#and a lot of ppl from my graduating class took one too (in their case many didn’t come back 😔 but still)

[lazyspeedy]

rory gilmore did a number of things “wrong” but taking a break from college was not one of them

[hanrinz]

Hello! Hope you’re doing well. <33 On requests, I’m hoping for some Shinsou dating headcanons or maybe on S/O being rivals to lovers with him. Idk, but hope it can give an idea :))

✰ ˖ DATING SHINSOU HITOSHI . . . !

content: fluff! a little ooc shinsou, friends to lovers (bc it's cute), reader is chaotic, and maybe this is a little self indulgent

notes: omgg anon!! i love the idea, maybe i'll write the rivals to lovers in a different post, but for now i really like the idea of dating shinsou hc!! oh and also i'm doing well anon, ty for asking !

dating the shinsou hitoshi might be the most unexpected thing that has ever happened to you in attending UA

if someone ever told your first year self that you're dating the purple haired guy, you would have laughed at their face

well, jokes on you

you've been together for two years, and happily spending your days training as a hero! y'all already in third year and closer to graduating, it was definitely not an easy journey but you made it!

you've been each other's person back before you've even got together

he has a habit of bringing you your favorite coffee every morning & the time he had forgotten to make you one, the both of you shared his

or if you don't like coffee he probably brings you something to eat.

probably has that day where the two of you would talk shit of someone who has wronged the both of you (they deserved it)

most of the time you do your homework together, but you kind of get distracted.. so as much as you really like spending time with him, studying separately was more ideal

one time you took him to an amusement park on your second date, and you really had fun, maybe minus the part where the whole class followed y'all (they were like the paparazzi, they even made an effort to put on a disguise)

forehead kisses!! lots of forehead kisses, like before you go to class he'll never forget to give you a forehead kiss and you would kiss him on the cheeks!

it took him at least two months before he got used to the physical touch, very clingy when he got used to it!

he sleeps on your lap! he said it was so comfortable and your thighs were like pillows??

he writes you poems omg, like he sends it at midnight, when he can't sleep. he's very sweet😭 please hug him

there was one time where he sneaked into your room at night, just because he wanted to kiss you, y'all got caught by aizawa midway. mans never got that kiss that night

would always hold your hand randomly, just to feel if you're really here beside him :(

he loves cats, he does! but you were on a different level in liking them. he has to physically stop you from petting every stray cat you see. he's very worried you might just die from rabies before you even become a hero😟

he's a little spoon! idc what other ppl say, i rest my case, your honor.

takes candid photos of you, he has an album of them with little notes written in it. "the most beautiful person to exist" or "mine" <3 STOPWBHSJH

literally the best in comforting!!

surprisingly, knows how to style a hair🤨 i mean he babysits eri so.. like he's so good!

speaking of eri!! y'all always take her outside to enjoy! would always have that 'y/n, shinsou & eri day!'

when y'all become pro-heroes and took eri for a picnic, ppl would always mistake you for a family (don't y'all look a little too young for a family?)

a lot of ppl support your relationship, lowkey but not a secret<33

[luvdsc]

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

[poguesofthebau]

hiiii okay so i'm a capricorn and i'm 5'6ish and i have long brown hair and green eyes and im pale! i like swimming, going to the beach, going to the movies, going for drives umm and i'm very shy 👉🏼👈🏼but i can be firey when it comes down to it bc im very stubborn and a little opinionated and i dont take shit from anyone. but i love with my whole heart and im very affectionate and i love love laughing so much and making people laugh and making sure ppl are comfortable! hope thats enough info!

i ship you with john b!! (honorary mention: pope definitely had a phat crush on you when you first came into the group, but like one of those short-lived, week-long friend crushes if ya know what i mean)

[ev’s pre-blurb rant about john b: okay this may just be my brain making jb into a better character than he actually is, but i feel like he is such a social butterfly, and even though he sucks a lot of the time i see him as super family (friend, in his case) oriented. before the whole treasure hunt, we hear him talk about all of his friends in such an intimate, loving way, and like, the guy’s whole summer goal was to have a good time all the time. seriously, he has to be kinda nice when he’s not adamantly searching for some fuckn treasure. but also like the dude’s dad is dead so give him a break he was in denial, okay?? but yeah i just feel like there’s kind of a lot of john b hate around here so i thought i would clarify my feelings abt the mans before i dove into this]

i feel like you would be that girl that john b always knew. like, even before jj, there was you. maybe your dads were friends, or your mom helped big john out right after jb’s mom left or something like that, but you probably wouldn’t remember the first time you really ever met him-- you just always knew each other. it wasn’t until his dad went missing, though, that you two would get really close. before, you’d smile at each other from across the hall at school, and if you were in the same science class he would ask you to be lab partners. but most of the time, your interactions were limited, and your relationship was simply acquaintances. once you heard about his dad, though, it would be your natural response to have to check in on him. you’d drop down next to him in class the first day he showed up after the news broke, and the look in his eye would absolutely break your heart. he was smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes, and even though he put up that facade for 9 months, you knew that he knew. big john was gone, and he might never come back. maybe he wasn’t necessarily dead, but he wasn’t with john b, and that was enough to cause an inexplicable pain.

so you’d start going over to his house after school to drop off his assignments, because you knew sometimes he couldn’t ignore the really big swells that happened after lunch and wound up missing history and maybe a few math classes. you brought him homework a couple of times, and then one day he asked you to stay a bit longer to help him out with the history paper you both had due the next day. while you were sitting on the couch reading the essay, jj barged in without warning, eyes widening when he spotted you in his spot. “jb... did you know there’s a girl on your couch?” you would immediately jab back, barely making eye contact with him before going back to editing. “nice to see you, too, jj. maybe i should read your paper next-- that is, if you even have it written yet.” john b chuckled at the interaction, strolling back over to you and dropping down on the cushion next to you. when he picked up another notebook, jj squinted at the two of you in disbelief and slight confusion. “are you guys... are you doing homework?”

“yes, j,” john b would sigh, half of him wishing his friend would shut up, and the other half wishing he would leave altogether. “we are doing homework.” when john b went back to what jj [barely] recognized as pre-calc, jj stood there for a few more seconds, dumbfounded, before spinning on his heel and going into the guest room. hearing some rustling from the room, you looked up to find john b already glancing at you. “whatever he’s about to do... i apologize in advance.” you smiled, shaking your head and going back to his paper once again. a few moments later, jj walked back into the room, arms full of notebooks, papers, and books, while his mouth held two highlighters, a mechanical pencil, and a blue pen. he would plop down in front of you, spitting out his writing utensils and dropping his books before looking hopefully at you. “i got some homework to do, too. i fucking hate this shit. but i would also like to graduate some day. help?”

after another look was exchanged between you and john b, you smiled at jj and leaned forward to ruffle up his hair. “sure, buddy. i’ll help ya out.” he groaned at the affection, but started flipping through worksheets anyway. john b finally choked out a surprised sound, knowing it usually took much more to get jj engaged in anything educational. “you’re gonna be a real good thing for us, aren’t you?” with one last smile, you nodded and returned to his paper. it wouldn’t be the last thing you did with the pogues, or the last thing you did for john b.

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

[inkskinned]

literally just a dumb unorganized list of school tips

source: im a grad student. i’ve had a lot of school. also i’m adhd & mentally ill and require +8 organization. this is mostly directed @ college students, but maybe high school students can use it too, fuck, idk, it’s been forever since i was stuck in that hell hole

just say “professor” either ur using the correct title for a person (will make them feel good) or you’re giving them a bigger title on the assumption they deserve it (which will make them feel good) and also prevents having to ever i mean ever use their names

talk at least 1 time a week in each class, aim for 1 time a day. even lecture classes. i fucking hate talking in front of more than 5 people, so what i would do is prepare a question about the hw/etc (even if i didn’t need it answered) to ask the professor after class so they saw me and got used to me and saw i was invested in their class. about 89% of teachers - if they see you try, they will pass you. i mean it’s literally that easy. i know people who went from like a c- but because they legit tried, their grade got bumped up to a b-. 

if u have to bring a laptop, pre-download the required material/screenshot it, and then turn off your wifi. it’s too easy to not listen.

physical writing will always give you more information recall over typing.

nobody cares about stupid shit anymore trust me they don’t remember that you were accidentally locked in a towel out of your room bc they have their own dumb shit that happened.... in college all the “cringe culture” turns into “god i wish that were me” culture ... wear ur onesie to a party trust me you make +800 friends and 799 of them will be girls telling you you’re adorable and they’d die for you

about locking urself out.... if ur like me and can breeze past post-it notes placed in obvious areas, don’t be a dumb bitch and rely on post-it-notes. while most schools offer 1 free lockout, dont rely on it - it once took 2 hours before someone could get to me. i was in a towel, which meant no phone. so like. anyway, what i do now is i put something on the handle of the door i have to open/unlock. i can’t just open the door w/out the thing falling down and making a loud “you dumb bitch unlock the door before u shower” sound. 

this works for all important don’t-forget it things. other obstacles i’ve used to remind myself to do something include: putting a chair with my wholeass posterboard in front of the door, an entire printer with a single piece of paper that just read “for the love of god check to be sure you have that essay”, and a recycling bin i kept forgetting to empty. guess what bitch finally emptied the bin once it was between me and a swift exit!

no offense and like the whole “it’s the best years of your life!” thing is great but in reality everything goes better scholastically when you treat it as “i came here to win, not to make friends.” i still did make friends, went to parties every weekend, was popular enough i’d be invited to several on one night - but i came there to win. when i put my scholastic life and my mental health first, i went from a 2.0 to a 3.98. yes you can, bitch.

you’re spending the money. don’t squander it. trust me when i say i know plenty of people who breeze through, bc you often can. but like. don’t. challenge yourself bc like. talk about an investment.

if you hate your major, change it. don’t make your life something you can’t stand. on that note, do NOT agree 100% to a track until you have at least some experience in the field. i cannot tell u how many ppl i know who got their whole masters/phd program done, walked into their new profession, and were like, Oh Fuck, I Can’t Live Like This.

college literally offers so many free things and if you’re not taking advantage of them whenever possible i get it but like. try to take advantage of them. this is everything from your gym (which probably has free classes dude) to clubs to like. sober events. these sober events are so ... fuckin good dude i’ve made mason jars with little plants in em... bee aviaries... candles.... go to the free stuff

oh ps on free stuff i wanna say about 4 of 5 days there’s free food on campus just look for things like job fairs, presentations, or discussion groups. also while you’re there at the job fair like. u know, go to the job fair in earnest

i took off 2 years to work and also to just. recover from my bullshit. and it took me 6 years and 3 schools to get my bachelor’s. it wasn’t easy but bitch i lived. there’s no such thing as “too long” to graduate if that’s truly what you want to do.

if on the meal plan, eat as clean as you can the first week. then introduce each part of the cafeteria’s possibly-food-poisoning-creating foods one at a time. give @ least 2 days between each experiment so you know for sure if you get sick what caused it. i literally never eat meat at school but you can still get sick off of unwashed lettuce/salad dressing that hasn’t been refrigerated properly/weirdass things you won’t even think of. this prevents like. dying in a public bathroom.

white loaf bread can be gross & boring. discount bakery section for your slightly chewy artisianal bread needs. if overstale, either toast it or dunk it into water and microwave it (unless u got an oven. use the oven if u can)

steal as many apples from the dining hall/events/etc as physically possible just do it they keep FOREVER and @ some point you’ll be like. fUCK i need a nutrition. ps if you’re keeping them in ur backpack (i wouldn’t keep more than 2) make sure to wrap w/a few paper towels so if you drop your bag you don’t get apple mush

write it all down bitch. “i’ll remember it” no you won’t. unless you are capable of remembering every idea on this list and in order, you won’t remember it. in general, if you write something 3 times, you will recall it correctly at least 80% of the time. i also read it out loud to myself, bc, you know, auditory recall

DO NOT just put your assignment at the top of your notes, unless you’re 100% sure that will work for you. in most cases, it’s much better to have a planner/agenda/place you expect to look for assignments. +7 points if you lie to yourself about deadlines and move them all up.

like not to sound too much like a DARE ad but like. if you don’t like it/don’t want it, don’t fuckin do it. the idea that “there’s nothing to do if you don’t party” is such bullshit. like i promise if you’re like “i am a grouch and want to stay in and binge netflix” about 45 ppl will show up in pjs like “bitch fullscreen it, im a grouch too.” there’s also like. the chance to just.... not overindulge. on wednesdays i have “wine wednesdays” where we sit around and drink a glass of wine while we do our hw. it’s chill and friendly instead of like. drink until u vomit. don’t feel like you either gotta slam the breaks or the gas pedal, is what i mean.

PLEASE know the signs of alcohol poisoning/overdose. most schools have a “Safety Always Matters Most” policy, which means that you can call for help w/out getting into trouble. if you think someone is in danger, act. this also goes for making sure ppl get home safe even if they’re just incapacitated, not poisoned. step in, dudes.

also just. notice when ur starting to rely on stuff too much. i’m super easily addicted to things, so i keep a healthy distance from liquor. i don’t let myself “drink to feel better” bc that’s a scary, scary thing to link to feeling better. if you or somebody u know starts drinking all the time/gets anxious if they don’t drink/drinks in the daytime .... get help. schools have counselling services for a reason.

you’re gonna get a cold/flu of some sort in the first 2 months just brace for it. in the meantime, drink vitamin c, try not to touch too many handles, and when people say “there’s something going around” believe them.

watch kaplan nike just do it 

if you can teach it, you know the material. a super good way of knowing if you studied the right way is to try and teach the material to a stuffed animal/imaginary class.

“i don’t know how to study” bitch me too the fuck. this is usually bc we’ve been taught that studying is just sitting down and staring @ ur notes. it’s not. it’s different for everyone, and you need to understand it’s 99% preventative care. if you don’t go to the class or do the homework, studying is going to fucking suck, bc you’re learning the material all at once for the first time. the place you should consider “studying” is “i’m confident in 70-90% of the material, but need to review.” do not let yourself fall behind .... just go to office hours and ask questions if ur not getting something. studying should feel like you’re remembering what you already knew but kinda forgot, not like you’ve been blindsided.

the whole “writing it down in ur own words” while u have been told this 700 times it really helps bc it means u gotta translate it through your own understanding. if you can’t, and it’s not bc the material seems too obvious to you to state in another way - ask yourself if you don’t understand the material. chances are u are missing a bit of info.

i know it’s like A Thing that Some People do but i never had the mental health points for it but i know some people just take 15 minutes after every class to review their notes. since i’m 100% early to every class ever, obnoxiously so, i try to do it before class. having the last class’s notes up in my head super helps. like. put down the phone i know you’re socially anxious me too but review those notes. chances are if u start flipping through pages other ppl will too. this is also fun bc as soon as you start this whole thing, at least one person will be like “is there a test?” no bitch there’s no test but im gonna be ready when there is!

literally so much of success is fucking posturing i could link about 800 peer-edited studies that show that when a student is expected to do well (and knows they are), they do well. like i literally didn’t change my appearance at all, never bothered to look nice (once winter hits i wear 67 layers all the time), but when i showed up after my 2 years off from school, i presented myself with the whole “i came here to win” vibe and people... really respected me? i mean in hs i remember ppl saying shit like “yeah, well, you aren’t gonna have the homework”. by the time i was in college i had an honest-to-god conversation which included someone being like “so tell me what you’re overachieving at right now” like they just expected it from me. wild.

i live by “bite off more than you can chew, and then CHEW IT” but it’s probably unhealthy. the truth is that i have a lot of energy all the time (lmao adhd!!!) and i used to get told i was “trying too hard” and for a long time (still???) i didn’t (i don’t?) know what that was, you know, bc i had a D average, clearly i wasn’t trying. it turns out i was just. putting all my energy into stuff that wasn’t making me happy like toxic friendships etc. when i decided “nope, all this energy is for me and my schoolwork”..... uhhhhh suddenly i was a golden child and everyone praised my try-hardness ... it’s a fuckt up system tbh

take at least 1 class just for fun. i try to do that every semester. it helps break up all the requirements. if you’re like an engineer and got no time or credits left to spend, try to audit your fun course.

make ur advisor love you i don’t care what it takes make them cupcakes show up to thank them i dONT CARE just do it 

the library isn’t always the best place. if i start getting anxious bc i pavlovian train myself that library=work, i find a new place to go to do hw. try to go outside if you can!!! not like where i live bc like it’s snow all the time but try. a little green really really really helps depression. 

if you’ve been in the same “Studying” place for 1 hour and haven’t done anything the chances are Something Isn’t Right. first, look @ ur body. are you not focusing bc of some pressing physical need? sometimes just taking a shower and coming back helps. are you uncomfy? are you too comfy and going to sleep? if body okay, look @ the material. do you not understand it? do you just need to switch to a new topic for a little bit? can you find a youtube video that will help you better understand it? make notes on what you don’t get so you can ask in the next class. if it’s not the material, it’s not ur bod, check the Actual Space. sometimes just getting up, going for a short walk to a new place, and trying it there actually? really works? if none of this is working.... try ur brain next. hardest to reset bc like, what, turn it on and off again? i use things like caffeine, a short workout, a nap, or a podcast all to just... give me a little boost. 

don’t be afraid to leave. i mean this about class, friend groups, and the college ur at. just get up on outta there if ur not feelin it. i cannot recommend “drop the class” enough. even if it’s a required course see if u can switch the times if u hate the professor day 3 it’s not gonna get better just get the fuCK out

don’t nap in the same position u go to sleep in, nap upside down w/ur head away from ur pillow. don’t ask me why but it works to 1. fall asleep faster 2. make sure u sleep okay at night and 3. wake up less annoyed 

on that note don’t ever do anything in ur bed in a sleeping position unless it’s genuinely sleeping in it. body will get confused. just sit up, lazybones.

when/if the library has those therapy dogs during finals week.... just go pet them make the time for it

ask before hugging people, but don’t expect a “yes”

get a backpack that fits and doesn’t hurt ur back u fuckin hippie idc how cool it is to wear ur backpack super low just don’t do it it’s not worth it

the tutoring center is a fucking goldmine.... free essay edits my dudes

bring a fan dorms are always hotter than u expect

switch dorms if u can if u realize ur in the wrong room/wrong roomate like just don’t bother with nonsense

when in doubt, follow preschool rules. tell ppl when they did something cool, just ask when u need help, and be confident even in your mistakes, because at least u tried

[mvlcnes]

hey what’s good hunnies, i’m rollin up late but uh !!  my name’s maia, 25 y/o living it up it up in the ast part of the world and uh listen i don’t have discord bc i’m a literal grandma when it comes to keeping up with all the new means of being social lmao so if you would like to chat and/or plot?? just shoot me an im on here — i’m usually always mobile & i obviously love to talk a lot !  and i’m a heaux for dramatic / angst-fuelled plots .. just a little fyi … i’m excited !! so anyway !!!  onto the Idiot of the Hour you’re actually here to read about; my darling malone. i have a pinterest board for him  HERE  , a playlist for him  HERE  , his stats page set up  HERE  , and a connections page  HERE  which as you can see is bare as all hell so let’s plot !

i think i just saw  MALONE SINCLAIR  looking down at their phone in the middle of lecture hall . i wonder if they think that will help them get through their  BIOLOGY  major . i’m sure professor baker doesn’t mind , though , especially since  MAL  can be so  + BODACIOUS . then again ,  HE  can be a little  - EVASIVE , so maybe prof b will mind after all . what do you think is catching their attention all of a sudden ? surely it can’t be more pictures of  LUXURY CARS . hey , you know , sometimes they really remind me of  BOYISH CHARM AMPLIFIED BY A ROGUISH GRIN, SPARSELY SCARRED FINGERS CLAD IN GOLD RINGS, THE LINGERING SCENT OF CLIVE CHRISTIAN NO. 1 , but maybe that’s just me . oh well . i hope their  FOURTH  year is treating them well !

INSPIRATIONS

chad radwell ( scream queens ) 

chuck bass ( gossip girl )

reggie mantle ( riverdale / comics )

sebastian valmont ( cruel intentions )

BACKSTORY

okay so homeboy here has had it pretty easy his entire life. his dad works relentlessly as chief of neurosurgery in lower manhattan and his step-mom had worked as a prestigious legal practitioner; one of the most sought out lawyers in the state, and later, a socialite. like the infamous philosopher dr justin roberts once said: “six figures, i was only four”, malone was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. while most would assume he’s a straight up trust fund punk, though, he inherited his father’s impeccable work ethic to a fault.

as an only child and therefore sole heir to the sinclair estate, his parents have been on mal’s ass his entire life to give his absolute best in everything he does. health, school, sports, friendships, relationships, the whole shebang. his marks were always near the top of his class, he excelled at his two favourite sports; hockey during the winter, baseball during the summer. but it wasn’t until he hit his mid adolescent years, started developing an interest in girls ( whom he once thought were riddled with cooties ), that his focus faltered a wee bit and good lil o’malley boy started being a teenager.

embracing his lavish lifestyle and all the popularity / opportunities it handed him on a silver platter basically, mal was ho-ing himself around, partying it up with the elite crowd, earning himself a pretty risque rep among his peers. it wasn’t until he met his first actual serious girlfriend that he did his best to tone it tf down. and it worked, for awhile. but !! of course he fucked it all up and even though what’s done is done, he has big regrets. BIG regrets. mainly bc girl went absolutely wild and took a baseball bat to his ferrari yikes.

after graduating high school with exemplary marks, instead of taking the opportunity to potentially thrive in the big leagues of the sports world, malone opted to stick to his roots, following in his dad’s footsteps. he got accepted into powell as a pre-med student, studying all the biological sciences, and is finally finishing off his last year as a bonafide senior. his next big plan is to attend harvard to earn his medical degree and get the ball rollin.

FUN FACTS

pitcher for the university’s baseball team, his absolute favourite hobby

future doc in the works, he’s proudly maintaining a 4.0 gpa

distinguishing labels: the casanova, the playboy, the philanthropist

money is no object to him. will relentlessly spoil his current conquests

the second a girl tries to get serious, he ghosts & moves onto the next

fancy social events are his element but he also loves letting loose 

big partier. has gotten mixed up in cocaine & hard liquor many times

his family own several luxury cars, a yacht, have their own private jet

contributes to charitable causes 24/7 but he’s a lowkey narcissist oops 

WANTED CONNECTIONS

1) ok so uh he obviously needs his boy(s), 1 or 2 who he’s pretty close with. they travelled together, were each others’ wingmen at one time or another, always have each others’ backs through thick & thin. 

2) he need him some fwb / hook up type deals, whether they be a regular occurrence or a one time thing. if you’re bored with your man or need help getting back at an ex? that’s his specialty hit him up. 

3) while on that note, maybe a fella who’s shown interest in him & mal’s hit on them while drunk?? nothing too serious, just a lil harmless curiosity. maybe they kissed / made out on a dare or some shit at a wild frat party.

4) ex gfs!! i don’t see him having like… a fuckton of exes bc he tries to stay away from relationships but probably anywhere between 1-3?? whether they be on good terms, bad terms, lingering feelings, etc. i’m cool with whatever. 

5) maybe somebody he tutored?? bc while he gives off mad Big Dick energy and tends to think with that head lmao, mal is actually very intelligent. 

6) how about some enemies tho. like… idk man i’m SURE there are ppl he rubs the wrong way bc he’s kind of narcissistic lmao. or maybe they think he’s fake. or maybe there’s some sports rivalry or classic case of polar opposites or he broke ur bff’s heart?? the possibilities are endless.

[ruinmylifc]

[ muse #1 ] ●● is that cillian murphy? no, that’s just dante armstrong, the 45 year old cismale who is a 𝐅𝐁𝐈 𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐓. some say they’re self-destructive & unpredictable, but their family and friends will swear they’re efficient & candid. when i think of them, i think of at least sleepless nights, bullet proof vests, movie nights with the family, confidential case files, last minute therapy sessions, hidden gun holsters, sunday night roasts, clean shaves. i wonder if his family knows that 𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐔𝐅𝐅𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐀 𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍 𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐄𝐑. ●●

yeah, i did another thing and this one is gonna stick bc well... if you look under the cut i have given you all of dante and myself so i apologise for the length but it just flew out of me. i haven’t even put any wanted connections bc that would make it 10x longer. just love me and i will love you all the same.

trigger warnings: medical terminology, chronic illness, hospitals, vomiting mention.

i’m proud to present dante sean armstrong, eldest son of eris dorothy (nee may) and basil wayne armstrong. his sister was born two years later and then came his younger brother another three years after. 

his childhood wasn’t exactly rainbows and glorious days of splendor, but it wasn’t horrendous either. their family lived on a property in the countryside and owned some animals. farm work and chores were to be done every day as well as keeping up with their school work.

both of his parents were strict and enforced a lot of rules and there were to be no questions asked. they hounded into the three of them the importance of working hard and providing for the family and that’s stuck with dante. he wasn’t allowed to get away with the things some of the kids these days do ( eyes at all you rebel lil shits ) and dare he disrespect his parents, he’d be punished for it. 

UPDATED NOV 24: with that being said, his parents didn’t show their love physically but they showed it in a lot of other ways. long holidays to the beach, constantly spending time together on the lake, picnics, going to sporting events when they could, traveling sometimes, card game nights. spending quality time together was their way of showing love. to this day, that is still how they show their children their love. 

dante is incredibly intelligent ( unlike myself so i’m sorry pls bare with me ) and that could be seen from day dot. he was hitting milestones before the average child was and his parents saw potential in him. they pushed him harder than his siblings, with school work and work on the property. basil originally wanted dante to take over the property but once he hit high school, he knew there was no way he was going to be able to keep this boy there. 

he graduated high school top of his class with a full scholarship to boston uni for law, so he packed his bags and he was off. he only saw his family at major holidays whilst he was at college as he put his head down, bum up and studied hard with a job on the side. 

with that being said he played as hard as he worked and knows how to have fun, so he says anyway. when the armstrong wife comes along we will plot when they met and we will go from there but aside from that! he was a bit of a player, enjoying the attention and action if you catch my drift. 

UPDATED NOV 24: cue graduating college, moving to ashcroft in his early twenties and he went to work in the force for two-ish years until he was qualified, fit enough and had the experience to apply for the fbi as a special agent. blood, sweat and tears went into this passion of his and lord behold, he got in. it’s fair to say that dante should be married to his job, bc he honestly loves it so much and worked so hard to get in. it’s a bit sad. that’s where he’s been since his mid twenties. cue actual marriage and along came their first child.

UPDATED NOV 24: the main goal in his life when children started coming into the picture was to go out everyday and protect his family, no matter the cost. if he worked a 80 hour week to solve a case or to lock up criminals, then so be it. that was more people who cold potentially hurt his family behind bars.

dante is a family man as much as he can be, but he finds it hard to separate work and home as they both mean so much to him. so yes, he is a workaholic and the things he has seen through the years as brought him night terrors but he loves his family to death. anyone touches them and he will go wild.

ADDED NOV 24: dante is one of those parents that has always said it how it is, not wanting to lie (to a certain extent) to them or shielding them from the dangers of the real world. he is a softy especially in times when his family are upset, things are happening, appts needed, etc, but he shows a lot of tough love. before he joined the fbi and the kids were little, he was as soft as one could be but with the trials of his line of work, he had to learn to be tough. that unfortunately comes home with him, like his work.

ADDED NOV 24: if there is a problem, dante wants ppl to tell him about it straight away and not cut out minor details. he needs to know everything and as soon as possible so he can help, can work it out whether that be work, social life, family, etc. he is v unpredictable with his response too so one day if someone doesn’t come to him abt something for a long time, he could be rather tame and just move on with it. on another day, he could go off his rocker. you can’t really pick it esp when he comes across as being cold. (he’s not!! he is really warm with those he trusts and loves i SWEAR)

dante not long had become a supervisory special agent when mateo’s case came up. dante found himself being emotionally drawn to mateo and the situation at hand, having always struggled with not letting things get personal. so he offered him protection, took him in and opened up his home for him. of course, keeping him around is detrimental to the case and there’s no way he will be letting him go any time soon, but dante cannot help but feel protective over him. he is putting his family at risk by bringing him in but he doesn’t regret it and is more determined to resolve the case. 

UPDATED NOV 24: emilio is now caught and dante is suspended for using his weapon. now begins the process of gather evidence, trials, etc. 

personality. 

he is completely unpredictable ; you may think he’ll react to a situation one way but will completely go the opposite. he says things that would be unexpected from him and he keeps shit real. he won’t sit there and talk abt the world being a wonderful place bc he will laugh in your face and tell you to fuck off to fairyland. he’s seen too much shit and done too much shit to know that life is not a movie.

he can come across as cold but he just doesn’t like to talk if he has nothing to say and he has a resting bitch face, sorry. 

UPDATED NOV 24: it can take a lot to anger dante but when he gets angry, oh you know about it. he’ll yell and throw things and throw a tantrum if it’s really bad but most of the time, he tries to keep quite calm. if it involves his family getting hurt, he’ll get violent, period. no one touches his family. 

THIS: as much as he keeps a guard up due to his job and is a somewhat strict parent and whatnot, he is a sweetheart. he’ll make his kids breakfast in bed on the weekends and would come in and kiss their heads when he’d come home from work and he’d be the one setting up easter egg hunts and is MUCH more affection than his own parents. his family’s happiness brings him happiness and they’re really the only people that see him smile often. also, he won’t go to work without telling them all he loves them. always. even if they’re sick of it.

UPDATED NOV 24: also, he beats himself up and is normally the one that tears himself down to shit. once he has his mind set in a bad way, he’ll tear himself to pieces and he really is his own worst enemy. and it’s bad. like, he beats himself up about everything and even won’t sleep at night over little things like having a fight with the kids, or not filling in paperwork right, or not speaking to his wife one night bc he is just too Stressed. v much is not okay

ADDED NOV 24: bc of this he tends to push ppl away, very badly too. he doesn’t think abt himself often and just wants to make those he loves happy, but he just??? can’t sometimes??? and i think that can be so frustrating

bonus point ; he is a very passionate lover!

secret.

in terms of his secret!! when he was in his final year of college, dante was mucking around with a group of friends throwing a football and tackling one another in between lectures. he had run backward off of the grass onto the path to catch the football and one of the guys ran and tackled him, knocking him to the ground with a very nasty blow to the head.

knocked out cold, dante was taken to the hospital were he had a severe concussion but there was no bleeding in or around the brain. 

after this he became violently ill ; he knew that concussion caused disorientation but this was weeks, even a couple months after the incident and he was still having trouble. he suffered from severe headaches, vomiting, eyesight troubles and even his personality changed. 

dante knew he wasn’t okay so he went to a couple doctors, had a bunch of neurological tests, ct and mri scans and he was then diagnosed with non-communicating acquired hydrocephalus. basically, the blow to his head caused one of the ventricles in his brain to block which restricted the flow of csf ( cerebrospinal fluid ).

with that, a shunt was surgically inserted in his brain to drain the excess fluid to other parts of his body and he has lived his life with this as his own personal secret. he hasn’t told his wife or children and his siblings and parents are the only ones who know ( bc they were by his side ofc ). 

UPDATED NOV 24: he’s had regular check ups every so many years and as of lately, the shunt has started to play up and he’s suffering from headaches for a while now. will he do anything abt it? probs not. there has been too much going on for him to even think about himself. 

[iphisquandary]

Hi Iphis, I hope you're doing well. I'm wondering if you have any advice or warnings or anything about working at a tutoring center? I'm about to graduate with some informal teaching experience & am on the market for education/tutoring/etc jobs. I've seen you post a lot about yours - not sure if you still work there - and would appreciate it tons if you're able to reply!

Yeah, sure! I have a lot of advice I can give about that. I worked at a tutoring center for three years and had a lot of ups and downs from the experience. This is way too long btw because I am a long-winded person by nature.

Positives

1) You don’t have to find your own clients, which CAN lead to more job security

One of the tricky things about being freelance is you have to find all your clients yourself and make a name for yourself and slowly build a client base and positive reputation.The company will do this legwork for you. Emphasis on CAN because at least in the case of the company I worked for, how many hours you get is based on how much students request you, which meant that tutors start out with low hours and gradually build a client base if they’re good at what you do–it’s just easier than doing it on your own

2) It’s a good way to figure out if teaching is right for you

Tutoring one-on-one is less high stakes and overwhelming than throwing yourself in to teaching an entire class at say a private school that doesn’t require a credential. it’s a good way to get a feel for what age group you like best and whether you enjoy teaching or working with kids

3) it’s a good way to get experience

Tutoring gives you opportunities to try your hand at lesson planning and building your skills and it’s something impressive to put on your resume if you want to get into education. During my time at my tutoring job, I mastered teaching grammar, college essays, and school essays. I developed some of my own material and became an expert in teaching certain skills and concepts

4) It’s super flexible

If the company is anything like mine, you pretty much get to choose when you work and how often. Vacation days are easy to snag, as long as you give them notice. Hours can be inconsistent when you’re new, but it’s flexible.

5) The students are amazing

Most of these students are driven to learn–they’re willing to put in extra hours of cram time to get higher grades or test scores or get into a better college. Every once in awhile you’ll meet a dissatisfied kid whose parent is forcing them to be there but mostly, these are kids with parents who are OVERLY invested in their education and that impacts the student. These are bright kids with a lot to offer.

Negatives

1) They’ll probably underpay you

Even though the job likely pays more than a lot of other jobs available to you, considering the specialized work you are doing and the going rate for tutoring, they’ll probably underpay you. Since it was one of my first jobs that paid that much, I thought that was a sweet deal. Now that I have more experience, I know tutors deserve a lot more than these companies pay. It’s especially glaring  because they tend to charge parents about three times more than what they are paying you and tend to have you tutor three students at once. You do the math. Also, I got less than a dollar’s raise during my entire three years there 

2) They will probably undervalue you

The company sees you as a replaceable cog in a machine, even though, if you have experience and have been there a long while, whoever they hire will need to be trained again and won’t know the material or students the way you do. Despite the fact you may be the only reason certain students keep coming back. Despite the fact you might bring something special to the company (I made material for the company, for example). They will never let you know how much you are worth. Because it is a profit-driven, soulless, money-making apparatus 

3) They WILL exploit you

They will drain every extra second of labor from you–even when it hurts the quality of your work. The 3:1 model most of these companies use, which essentially is you tutoring three students one on one  switching between them with completely different material, juggling an impossible level of tasks, reduces the efficacy of your teaching. It took me probably two years to fully master being able to teach well in that model. This means you will likely feel frustrated at your quality of work. Also, they may pressure you into working unpaid hours. My company did that to me for years. They pressured us through various tactics, such as only paying us for the set hours our classes were scheduled and not prep time, only paying a set, puny amount of time for prep, penalizing for going over time, giving you material to read at home unpaid, etc. 

4) Consistent hours are not guaranteed

At tutoring centers, hours correlate with demand–the demand of students for you or your subject specifically, the demand of the company for more labor, and the demand of local students and parents for tutoring in general. Hours can fluctuate by season. Usually at the beginnings and endings of semester, my hours dwindled. At my tutoring center, we got more hours during school vacations, since helicopter parents sent their kids during free time for tutoring. But I had periods of time, especially during my first year or two, where I went without much pay because my hours were reduced during dry periods.

5) There is a questionable moral component to what you are doing

Some of these kids are being pushed to the brink by insanely demanding parents who send their kids in during vacation, when they are sick, when they are burnt out, etc. Sometimes these parents even abuse their kids, but you can’t really do much unless you decide to report it. You may have to teach students with disabilities you are not qualified to work with. You may notice weaknesses and errors in the material at the company. You will also likely not be adequately trained. The 3:1 ratio, lack of training, and your lack of experience means the quality of your work will suffer at times. These companies also use deceptive practices to hook in families and get them to sign exorbitant contracts.Considering all that, there may times you wonder if your students benefit from what you are doing, particularly if they’re doing test prep.

BUT if you are good at and passionate about teaching, you can help students learn and grow despite all that. Ignore the bottom line your boss gives you and the pressures of parents as much as possible. Focus on having fun with students and having them walk away knowing something new they might use. In that way, I think I did more good than harm. Because while the company will do all it can to make you forget this, the tutors are its ONLY valuable resource. Despite the lack of training, experience, and insurmountable tasks we were given, practically every tutor I met cared about their students and did good work. The company model and culture around test prep and cram school is what hurts the kids. Just be aware that while it can be a blast working with students, and  it’s what literally pulled me out of my depression and the reason I am in this teaching program now, the company you work for is evil. For-profit education is a sham. Tutoring the students = awesome. The company = shit.

My biggest pieces of advice

1) Don’t work too long at one of these companies if you can help it - I probably should have left after two years - they do not recognize longevity, seniority or experience and while you can gain really useful experience, it has diminishing returns after a point. pay attention to when you stagnate

2) Don’t get too invested - do your best, but within reason - you can give and give and the company and students will take and take - I worked free hours with students online during crunch time for their college essays, I devoted extra hours to lesson planning, i’d take calls and emails from my boss at all hours, etc - people just keep taking. set boundaries when you can. 

3) Try to make it a side-gig, if possible - with its flexible hours, i actually think this type of job is perfect as a part time gig while you’re in school or on the side with another job - that will prevent you from getting too invested or too exploited or stressed or burnt out or over-relying on the position when hours dwindle

4) Don’t talk to the parents- if your company is anything like mine, the admin side does all the communication with parents and this is one god-send about these companies, you don’t have to deal with these crazy ppl. limit yourself to a quick hello/small talk and even then BE CAREFUL they may try to harangue you

5) Have fun and be you - make the lessons fun for YOU and the student, teach your style - as long as you’re good at what you do and the students like you, they’ll keep coming back. the admin people don’t know shit about education and they will try to tell you how to do your job, but once you hit your stride, be confident and know that you’re the teacher

6) REMEMBER YOUR VALUE - know that this job has a steep learning curve and any initial difficulties you face are not your fault. especially as time goes on, you will be good at what you do despite what anyone says. You are always worth more than how people treat you in that job. Always. 

TL;DR the students are great; at one time they were literally my only reason for being alive, and if you’re new to education you can learn A LOT, and the job is way flexible, but the companies are evil and soul-sucking, so do your best to protect yourself and get what YOU can out of the job enrichment-wise. leave when it’s no longer beneficial to you. 

Sorry that was so long! I hope that was helpful!

[lilragekitten]

Listen: It’s 2:30am and I am bored af at work so here, learn about me. 

tagged by: @mommalosthermind (ILY)

rules: answer twenty (20) questions and tag twenty (20) people you want to know better.

nickname(s): JennerJen, Eddy, that quaking noise donald duck makes? (Ken calls me that)

height: 5′5″ maybe? I am Smol. and round. 

orientation: Bi and ready to cry. 

favorite fruit: Hmmm, I like strawberries a lot. And Watermelon, except I had Bad watermelon this summer so I’m kinda Off it right now. Asian Pears are good, and Golden Delicious apples. 

favorite season: Season One of new doctor who with Nine. Oh not that kinda season? Fall. I love how the colors change, how it’s not swelteringly hot, and I love sweater weather. Also, Halloween. (Can I also cry how I had literally Two Weeks of Autumn this year before we got snow?? I am sad)

favorite flower: Calla lilies. I think they’re so pretty. and Blue Moon roses. I’m not really a flower person. 

favorite scent: food? Homemade bread baking, fresh apple pie, citrus. The smell of the ocean (which, this perfume I find hits pretty damn well, also this hand/body cream.)

favorite color: Black, purples, reds, greens, blues, Usually darker tones.

favorite animal: Cats. Cat are amazing, they’re so weird and adorable and huge ass jerks. I love northern breed dogs too, the big floofs. 

coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: hot cocoa, though I’ll more than likely be found drinking cranberry juice. 

average hours of sleep: HA. Um... welp, I work graveyard shifts so I’m supposed to sleep during the day. so I can go anywhere from 3-18 hours. seriously. There is no .. pattern... there is no logic here. I pass out and sometimes I wake up when I’m supposed to, sometimes I wake up bc my cats are assholes. 

cat person or dog person: I think at this point we’re safe to say cats. I’ve always had cats growing up, Usually at least one, but usually two. I’m at 5 right now. I’d love to have a dog some day, but right now with my schedule the way it is, it wouldn’t be fair to it. 

favorite fictional characters: ....I think... I’ll go through chronologically? How I remember it and if I still think fondly of them now? Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Xena. Peter Parker/Spiderman, Trunks from DBZ, Jared from the Pretender, Buffy Summers, Faith, Spike, Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan, Tony Stark, Sherlock Holmes (BBC for first two seasons), GOTG, Toothless,eevee,  Megamind, Fuck I give up... 

number of blankets you sleep with: Two soft minky and one electric for my feets. 

dream trip: I’ve always wanted to go to Japan and just... flutter. I’d like to see both coasts here at some point (Canada). Visit all my american friends <3 Iceland, Phuket, New Zealand, I don’t really have a dream place anymore, just want to escape for a while. 

blog created: uhhh?? 2013? 2014? Apparently August 2014. 

number of followers: It says 410... and I’m usually pretty good at cleaning out bots, but I shall purge soon, just in case. Hi how are you people? Do you enjoy disappointment? Thank you for being here :) 

random fact: I shall give you Several:

One time when my ex was trying to be romantic, he took me for a walk to a lookout. It was all outdoorsy and wooded (yuck) but Suddenly, a Lynx jogged out from the trees like, 25 feet in front of us. I am ... Not Smart but it was a giant Fluff RighT TheRe... I can not be blamed. I lunged for it going “KITTY” (I was 28/29 at the time fyi) He (the ex) grabbed me going NO and the cat just stared at us,... looking back probably sizing us up lol oops, and then took off. I still get shit for that. 

I love cooking with peppers and onions, but I can’t eat them, it’s a texture thing. I will gag as soon as I feel one. Red peppers also make me sick. I am a very picky eater, but I’m trying to be better. I don’t eat pork or beef, but love chicken. 

I’m very shy, I’m a lot better now but when I was a kid up until high school, I wouldn’t talk to strangers, and I pretty much didn’t have any friends. When I did go to high school, I ended up leaving behind my best friend who was a year younger than me. She had been dating someone older than her (she was 12 going on 13 and he was like 16/17) but he broke up with her that summer to be with someone else who was also just entering HS. So she told me that I should find this person and fight them. Now... some of you know me, some IRL, some from a few years of talking behind this screen, and Y’all Know.. that ain’t me. Except I sometimes I really want ppl to like me?? So my first week of school was Hell, the few people I was friends with weren’t in ANY of my classes, I didn’t know anyone and then, one day, I hear this girl talking from the back of my science class about her Bf, who happens to have same name as my friends (who I haven’t spoken to since graduating at this point :( ) so I... smol bean I am, in my... kinda preppyish clothing go stand next to this girl with bleached blonde and black hair, wearing a marilyn manson tshirt, and black raver pants and I say “Are you Blank?” and she looks at me and laughs a bit and says ‘Yeah” eyebrow raised and like Whatchu want. so I say “ Are you the bitch that stole BF boyfriend?” And she CRACKS UP. And anyways, that’s the story of how I met my best friend, and got folded into this scary little clique of people and how no one messed with me for my entire high school career. She’s still my friend 20 years later, but another girl in that group (there was four of us) is now my best friend and I love her so much. 

The Tagged Ones:  @thecronescottage @maythefirthbewithyou @laglemon @fail-boat @stopmarkus @puresaltking @waywardfangir1 

[alien-bodies]

Oversharing Time!!!

(i just made that title up that’s not the official title I’m just Like That)

Ok so @frogyell​ tagged my main account (I am BLEST) but that’s for Refined Star Trek Content and this one’s for excellent moodboard content and garbage so here’s the garbage!!! I’m putting it under a cut bc it manipulates your brain to want to read through 85 fuckin facts about me more wow I love science

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

1. last drink: Water! off to a great start

2. last phone call: my local Hot Topic. I feel like I should also mention I work there. But if you don’t know that and steal my phone you’ll see I have a contact named Hot Topic

3. last text message: Google sent me a verification code, but the last one I sent was to my brother it says “k”

4. last song you listened to: It’s called The Horror Of Your Love by Ludo, if I had to delete all but one song on my 121-song Best Enemies playlist I’d keep this one it’s Peak and kinda has vore but it’s metaphorical. metavoreical, if you will

5. time you cried: during my latest EMDR sesh! I was in Wales and everything it was a Lot I got ice cream after

6. dated someone twice? Big No

7. kissed someone and regretted it? Not really?

8. been cheated on? my ex had 16 anime dating sims downloaded at one point while we were dating does that count

9. lost someone special? yea

10. been depressed? hella

11. gotten drunk and thrown up? I’ve been drunk 1 time and it was when I was playing English handbells at my dad’s church’s wassail night but I did not throw up no

fave colors

12. Black

13. Lavendar

14. Light blue

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends? Hell Yell!!

16. fallen out of love? k i n d a ? ?

17. laughed until you cried? oh absolutely

18. found out someone was talking about you? OH BOY YUP YUP

19. met someone who changed you? yes! she managed to physically alter my hippocampus without touching it how fuckign whack is that

20. found out who your friends are? It’s always the same miraculous group chat

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list? sure have

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? I keep it nice and refined so all of them. My old account is another story

23. do you have any pets? one beautiful and talented cat named Moriarty. A good description is she’s got puppy software on cat hardware.

24. do you want to change your name? listen I’ve been through 4.5 of these fuckers, I like Nate, I’m Quite Finished

25. what did you do for your last birthday? invited 2 pals over, I remember one of them suddenly whipped out I Am The Doctor and the Dr Who theme on the piano out of fuckin nowhere and I was like “Daniel what the hell you’re so talented” and then I hardcore dissociated the rest of the day

26. what time did you wake up today? 10:00

27. what were you doing at midnight last night? chatting w @houseofoakdown​ and also editing my monstrosity of a fanfiction

28. what is something you cant wait for? Going back to school! then I can graduate in my pajamas and eat creamed corn in celebration

30. what are you listening to right now? the same goddamn playlist, this one’s called Battle Cry by The Family Crest, i cri erytiem

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom? probably???

32. something thats getting on your nerves? my brother vaping in the bathroom with the fan on at 12:30am

33. most visited website: tungle dot hell

34. hair color: I started out blonde af now I’m less blonde but still blonde.

35. long or short hair: short

36. do you have a crush on someone: :[] yes

37. what do you like about yourself: i’m hella smart, my moodboards are bangin, my writing is cool af, I’m well-hydrated at all times

38. want any piercings? Big No

39. blood type: A+!!!!! thats me!!!!!

40. nicknames: my brother calls me a goon sometimes

41. relationship status: im married to my laptop

42. zodiac: I was born on the last day of Taurus so I’m a definite Taurus/Gemini power combo

43. pronouns: they/them, tho in some places I use he/him bc The Dysphoria got hog wild enough I decided to pretend to be a trans guy so ppl would take me seriously, but I’m moving more towards they/them everywhere now. 

44. fave tv shows: Dr Fuck, Sherlock (I’m armed with a pitchfork and an arsenal of beefed up tv & film knowledge come on fight me), DOWNTON ABBEY

45. tattoos: in August I will get a bee on my right arm and probably a Secret Word in Gallifreyan on my left it’ll say fuck

46. right or left handed: one time I was bored in grade 10 and tried to make myself ambidextrous but that was a hassle so I’m firmly right handed. Except in archery.

47. ever had surgery: got all 4 wisom teeth out not long ago! I still need to squirt water in my gum holes so I get all the mushy food out :{

48. piercings: I used to have my ears pierced but they’re grown tf over now!

49. sport: first of all what the hell is this question looking for second of all I have a red belt (which is 2 below black belt) in Taekwondo. I really need to do that again hhhhhh

50. vacation: i went to England and France in the summer with my family as a “””grad trip”””, it was lots of fun but my collection of sensory issues extended to chomping and I dissociated so intensely in The Louvre my mom told me to go back outside so I wrote fanfiction while listening to 21 Pilots and chatting w my imaginary friends and it took me like 18 hours to process I’d seen The Mona Lisa with mine own 2 eyes. Also the plane was delayed twice bc we used Air Canada for some godforsaken reason and I had 0 hours of sleep when I went to the Sherlock Holmes museum and I started talkin to this bust of Sherlock Holmes and then I hadn’t eaten enough and we were walking to this bookstore and I said “I need food!” and my dad said “We’ll get it AFTER” then I shouted “I’M GONNA DIE” so I got a BLT from Tesco. 

51. trainers: h

more general

52. eating: the last thing I ate was chocolate chips straight out of the bag

53. drinking: I got another cup of water

54. im about to watch: my entire fanfiction to take 3000 notes on consistency. and by watch I mean read

55. waiting for: my brother (not vaping) to get out of the bathroom so I can PEE

56. want: Orphan Black to be on Netflix so I can actually binge watch it then call my grandma about it

57. get married: idk I didn’t think I was a get married person but since realizing I’m a lesbian it seems like a good idea!

58. career: nurse and a writer. I might just move to London and work double time to write enough scripts I have some street cred then pitch a TV adaptation of Faction Paradox to the BBC and win

which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs bc it means my friends are in my vicinity not Toronto

60. lips or eyes: uh. eyes???????????

61. shorter or taller: i’m 5′3″ and I would love a tol partner

62. older or younger: i don’t think I care

63. nice arms or stomach: what fresh hell does this mean. I’d like a nice stomach free of gastrointestinal issues and acid reflux. not that I have either of those but just in case

64. hookup or relationship: I have 300 many self-esteem issues so imma say relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant: AU where I don’t have anxiety and I’m a trouble maker

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: noop

67. drank hard liquor: I PUT RUM IN THE WASSAIL HELL YEAH also once someone bought me a shot at a queer dance thing bc it was payday and my friend told me to gulp the WHOLE SHOT and then the lemonade so I don’t barf and I was like “brah this is too high-stakes” so I poured the vodka in the lemonade and took sips and everyone stared at me

68. lost glasses: in grade 6 and then my mom threatened to make me wear one of those granny glasses chains so I never lost them again

69. turned someone down: ya this kid Cyrus used to chase me around in grade 5 and I’d run away always he was weird af one time he made out with a folder right in front of me in the middle of class

70. sex on first date: probs not at this point but I’m not opposed to the general idea when I’m less w h a c k e d  u p

71. broken someones heart: Not that I know of?

72. had your heart broken: c o n s i s t e n t l y in the most fricked up ways god

73. been arrested: no but once I booed at the police bc the local nazis (yeah) were gonna have a rally so we had a counter-rally and I dropped in but there were no nazis except one old dude in a MAGA hat showed up 2 hours late lmao

74. cried when someone died: oui

75. fallen for a friend: Big Lesbian Mood

do you believe in

76. yourself: YA BB

77. miracles: not as such

78. love at first sight: nah

79. santa claus: I wasn’t allowed to believe in Santa as a child bc he was “too much like God” sad

80. kiss on a first date: ye!

81. angels: big no

other

82. best friend’s name: I don’t exactly have a proper best friend but I’m goin with Liam

83. eye colour: blue/grey

84. fave movie: either The Force Awakens (bc I love bb8 and I’m gay 4 Rey) or Interstellar shut up

85. fave actor: uh idk let’s go with my brother

WOW THAT WAS LONG JEE🅱️US. I’m tagging @houseofoakdown @spoonietimelordy @gemvictorfromtheponyverse @spockswhales @raesand and that exhausts the ppl I know but you’re all worth quadruple in my heart 💖

[luvdsc]

Hihi Cat! I've come to deliver some good news! (This is pretty long huhu ToT)

MY ERB HAS BEEN APPROVED AND I CAN PROCEED TO RECRUIT PARTICIPANTS!! Ahh it's been such a blessing to be able to proceed immediately! I've actually hit my target amount of participants in less than a day (IT'S CRAZY) but I'm gonna collect more responses cuz the more the better! (Would you wanna check the questionnaire out? I can PM you the link!! :3)

Also also I PASSED THAT FINALS! The one I took a day after my vaccination (1st dose) ToT GAHH I'm so happy I won't even ask for more, it's enough :3

I've been writing my thesis during this sem break but it's progressing pretty slowly cuz I've been so drained from last semester and the vaccine itself. Huhu but I've written a brief rundown for my proposal so there's a rough idea there, just needa rly assemble it into a clear narrative. And yes I agree! Psychology studies are a beautiful fusion of science & human essence imo, and its fascinating learning more abt ourselves and how we as the human species progress in life ya know? 😌

I got my second dose exactly a week ago and got the same side effects - headache, arm soreness, hunger, fatigue; I felt like a fusion of psyduck & snorlax HAHAHAHA 😂 - it wasn't anything serious so yay I'm fully vaccinated! (in a few weeks time keke I'll be)

HAHAHAHA my vaccination appointments were pretty eventful. The nurses and volunteers were all so warm and friendly! I'm the type of person who feels whatever's being injected into me, it's not the pain that I wanna distract myself from (it wasn't pain tbh) but that sluggish discomfort I get from the needle ejaculation >//< sooo as they showed me the vile and syringe before injecting me, I prepped my Yangyang photocard in my hand. During my second dose, the nurse thought I had some fancy way of taking a video when in actual fact I was just looking at my Yangyang photocard hehe UwU she asked me whether I wanted to see the needle going in (smtg I can't look at tbh) and I was like HELL NAH ToT

And also some recap from the previous ask!

There's no need to apologise for the delayed response okie!! UwU my sem break is ending this week, but I've spent my time completing my academic research trainee tasks (transcribing audio clips), I've also created the content & design for my uni's newsletter, did some thesis writing, and I took a course on financial planning on Coursera to prep myself for the adulting life ToT

And idm sharing my back up / failed topics! I didn't have a lot of cards in my hands, but here are some of em!

1) time perspective and meaning in life 2) anticipatory nostalgia 3) not a topic but a variable! fragility of happiness / happiness aversion

what ideas did you settle on for yr art pieces? If you dm sharing, I'd love to hear abt it! 💖💖💖

Tbh I can't think of a fav ice cream flavor hmm 🤔 i rly didn't think it'd be so hard thinking of a fav ice cream flavor but the first that comes to mind is green tea! I like them milky flavored ice cream😍 though my fav from this ice cream place I go to is thai milk tea, it's so fragrant and milky!! 🥺💖 I just got myself a tub of milk & biscoff gelato keke UwU what's yr fav ice cream flavor? :3

For my course structure:

We have 2 long sems (Jan - Apr, & Aug - Dec, 16 weeks) & a short sem (May - July, 9 weeks)! Our sem breaks are only around a month then it's back to sleepless nights ToT AND YES those weeks were the most stressful weeks ever 🥺😭 I'm glad I'm graduating soon for that reason 😂(though idk what awaits in the working world ToT that is another fear I have :/)

Thank you for being part of this journey and being open to listening to my lil adventures! 🥺🙆🏻‍♀️💖😭 esp w the amount of responses and ppl helping me, I feel a lil more motivated to work and excel in this pregnancy (thesis, I call it pregnancy cuz it's around 9 months too HEHE) Since the pandemic, it's been pretty hard separating studies & hobbies :/ I've learnt it the hard way from my period cramps last sem (mine's the severe type where you can faint ToT), and it was also on my last paper for finals !! Very traumatizing ._. but I'll continue to manage myself better! :3

Huhu Cat since you're working now, I also wanna ask abt yr experience in job seeking! Cuz unemployment is a real deal here esp. w everything that's going on :') I don't have working experience either (only had 1 through internship) and it literally feels like I'm going into the unknown ToT I've been running over some case studies and assessments just to better prep myself for this. Do you have any advice as someone who's already working? UwU

Take care and stay lovely as always!! 💖💖💖

hi, sweetpea !!!! 🌸 omg major congratulations for getting your ERB approved, honey bee !!!!! 🥳🥳🥳 that’s absolutely amazing, and I’m uber proud of you 🥺💗💗 also, it’s wonderful that you hit the required number of participants so quickly !!!!! (And I would love to participate if the questionnaire is still open 🤧)

AND HECK YEAAA CONGRATS ON PASSING THE FINAL TOO 🤩🤩🤩🤩 big congrats to you all around, miss smarty pants 💓💓💓

Oh gosh, I hope you got to rest during your semester break too ): you’re working so hard, please remember to take care of yourself !! 💕 your mental health is more important 🤍 have you finalized your proposal now? And omg yes exactly !!! It’s so interesting to see the thought process behind an action and how it can be manipulated or influenced by various stimulants or there’s also the argument between nature versus nurture too and how that affects psychology and it’s just all so cool to learn about 🤩

Omg you had so many symptoms, I’m so sorry to hear that 😭 I only had a sore arm, but that’s what happens when I get any shot 🤧 I hope you’re feeling better now 💘💘

I’m really glad to hear that the nurses and volunteers were kind and friendly !! it’s always comforting to have nice people as doctors, especially when you’re trusting them to stick a needle in you bshdjdjdkd omg yangyang to the rescue !!!! 💞💞 we’re not allowed to record record any medical appointments, like I think the nurse thought the person in front of me in line was recording when they were getting their vaccine and said they weren’t allowed to do that 😅 and aaaaa I always have to look when they inject me, I don’t like being taken by surprise 🤧

oh my gosh you were so productive over your semester break !!!! :o and oooo you do content & design for your school’s newsletter? Do you do stuff like graphic designing and write articles? 💓 and how was the financial planning course !! Did you learn a lot? Did you like the studies? :��)

aaaaa those topics sound so cool ??? 🤩🤩 I would definitely be down to read about those omg 💛

for my 3D design class, I decided to do lightbulbs and flowers as my overarching theme for my art pieces !! I included a couple pictures below under the cut at the bottom 💓 the first one is a soft sculpture made out of newspaper, and there’s a pencil next to it for size reference, the second one is made of wires that I shaped myself, and the third one is made of foam boards that I cut and assembled myself as well 💕 and I included a picture of my final painting project! it’s a triptych and I believe the size was like 18 x 24 for each one? If you click on the picture, it should be better quality!

omg I love green tea ice cream too !!!!! 🍵🍦 I like going to somi somi for their matcha and milk swirl ice cream with red bean taiyaki 💚 I only had thai milk tea ice cream once, but it was phenomenal 🤩 I wish they sold it near me too !! milk and biscoff :o I’ve never tried that flavor! I’ll have to see if it’s sold around here :’) green tea is my favorite, but I also really like everything but the... from Ben and Jerry’s !! 💛 also alcoholic ice cream.... like there’s this one kind where it was a breakfast esque type with vanilla, corn flakes, and bourbon, and it was delicious 😋

omg what 😭😭 you’re basically going to school year round with no break bahsjdjdjdkd when I was in uni, i had a month off for winter break (usually something like dec 9 - jan 9) and then mid june to mid September off, so around three months of summer vacation? Your school schedule sounds absolutely brutal 💀💀

and omg of course !!! Thank you for letting me be a part of the journey 🥺💗 bdjdjddj pregnancy omg that’s such an interesting way of seeing it :o sending you all my love and support for a successful delivery of your thesis baby 🥰🥰 oh yeah, it’s definitely been a struggle to separate everything, especially when the lines between home and workspace blur with online school or working from home. And oh my god ???? Are you okay ?? Did you go see a doctor or take any medication? I hope you’re feeling better now !! Please take care of yourself 😭

ah, I got my job through my internship, so I’m not sure how helpful I will be 😅 but during the process of interviewing for internships, there were several rounds for each company that range from a group interview, a one on one interview, video interview where they give you random questions that you have to answer on the spot (some of mine were discuss the stock market, give a sales pitch on something you’re interested in, etc), a test, etc. I think it’s different depending on the job you’re going for, but that’s what I had to do in the business field! It’s important to study and prep for all of this!! It’s like taking an verbal exam for one of your classes. And also make sure to study the company’s website and familiarize yourself with what they do/sell.

My one piece of overall advice would be about interviews! Interviews are important in which the person interviewing you is seeing if you’ll be a good fit with the company, not in terms of skill, but personality. They already know you’re qualified and have good skills - that’s how you got the interview. With the interview, they’re essentially trying to see how personable you are and if you will work well with their team. Some people are so intent on proving their skills that they kinda just rattle off all their achievements and whatnot, and it’s like... the interviewer already knows this, it’s all on the resume they reviewed when they decided to give the interview offer. Be friendly, open, maybe make a little small talk at the beginning (“hey, how are you? any weekend plans / how was your weekend?” This is what I did for all my business interviews, and I got an offer back from every one 🤧💗), make appropriate jokes / be a little funny, just show that you’d be a fun person to have in the office whom people will want on their team, but that you will also be dedicated to the job and work hard 💘

And thank you so much, honey bee!!! 💞 I hope you’re doing well and having a good week , and please take care as well 🌷🌷

[palestinianliberator]

koshersexfantasy

so making Aliyah during Birthright isn’t smart bc I already paid the housing deposit and (by that time) the tuition for next year. I might as well stay here until next summer BUT then my parents will have “wasted” money for tuition for me SO I might as well wait until after I graduate, which is the smartest option? I think bc then I’ll have a degree in government and international relations, which I’m hoping will help me land a job there even tho it’s another country. Also if I make Aliyah now I have 24 months of IDF service (which I am totally fine with) and it gets smaller as I age, which I’m also fine with but I was thinking that if I join the IDF I’ll have more of a chance of landing a job, I believe… I’m trying to work all this out without telling my family members and most of my friends bc if I tell my family, they’ll get pissed bc they’ll see it as me wasting my career and most of my friends hate Israel (well one does and the rest are tired of hearing her bitch at me about it) and also I’m pretty sure my bf wouldn’t support my decision So while I’m in Israel I’m going to talk about it with my Israeli family and see what they think (my uncle married a woman who made Aliyah around my age) so then I’ll be able to get more info and I’ll probably talk to some recruiters while I’m there I also don’t want to deal with the social media backlash of moving to another country bc ppl are going to ask why and there’s so many reasons but one of the main ones is “the antisemitism and blatant Christian normativity/ superiority complex here gets on my nerves” and I feel like that’s not an acceptable answer you know, and then also people already hold me accountable for literally everything israel does once they find out I’m Israeli and I don’t want that to be multiplied by ten I’m still seriously considering making Aliyah though

palestinianliberator

Funny that “…blatant Christian normativity/superiority complex here gets on my nerves” while the Israeli superiority complex and erasure of Palestinian culture and identity doesn’t~

I’d comment on the irony but oh well

koshersexfantasy

Funny that 1-you thought my post was an open invitation to comment on, when it wasn’t 2- Your comment is coming off as “The Jewish normative culture in the state famously labeled as the Jewish State is annoying and Palestinian culture is being erased even though I know you didn’t say anything about the West Bank or the Gaza Strip.” So I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but the demographics of the State of Israel is very diverse. One fifth of Israelis are not raised in Jewish homes, and that does not account for those who identify as non-religious. Israel pays money to help institute Sharia courts, sends aid to imams and other Islamic institutions, and there’s the case in Jerusalem. In Jerusalem, there is the Muslim Quarter (which is the bigger piece of Jerusalem and much bigger than the Jewish Quarter), the Jewish Quarter, the Christian Quarter, and the Armenian Quarter. As someone who has been there during Ramadan, I can certify that all Muslim holidays are respected and observances are allowed for- sometimes even state-wide (look at the markets on Fridays, for example). Also, I’m not sure if the Palestinians you are referring to are in the West Bank or in Gaza. Israel left Gaza in 2005 and instead of instituting any sort of functional government, Hamas took over and uses Gaza as a rocket launch center, committing many human rights abuses. Israel sends aid and supplies to Gaza while providing health care for those injured in the crossfire for free. If you’re referring to the West Bank, I’d focus on the schools that the PA provides, which recently denied UNWRA funding because, in order to get the funding, the schools would have to stop teaching suicide terrorism and terrorism in general as something to be glorified. So if a culture that glorifies suicide terrorism, car ramming, and stabbing random people is being quashed, I don’t see why you’re fighting for it, as that would effectively state that you support state-sanctioned terror and terrorism in general. You could also look at the recent arrest of a cancer patient coming out of Gaza who had tried to smuggle in explosives. If the culture you want to preserve preaches sick people, women, or children smuggling explosives, I think that says a lot more about you than it does me.

(I’m making the post like this because the moron blocked me after spouting complete lies....typical)

Your post is full of bullshit and was tagged with Palestine, so yeah I couldn’t care less about you not extending me a personal invitation to comment on it. It’s typical for Israelis to leave Palestinians out of the conversation anyways.

And you can interpret it as you wish, but the fact remains that Israel is only in the place that it is through the ethnic cleansing and slaughter of Palestinians during its founding, as well as the ongoing apartheid & settler colonialism that sees our homes destroyed and our land stolen.

The irony here is hilarious to me because you speak of how you’ve been to Jerusalem during Ramadan...whereas despite the fact that both my parents were born in Jerusalem, none of our family is allowed to set foot there without sneaking in [which isn’t too difficult given how inept Israeli soldiers tend to be].

Your claim about the PA and terrorism taught in schools is nothing but a backwards, racist lie. For starters, the part about funding being denied is just entirely untrue and I don’t even know where you pulled that from. Second, as someone who went to school in the West Bank [where we learned about the holocaust and were taught in religion class about all major religions and that to kill anyone in the name of religion is the ultimate sin and spent our time writing letters to pen-pals around the world], /no/ textbooks me or my family ever used had any ounce of what you claim they have in them. Furthermore, a freaking US State Department study concluded that Palestinian textbooks feature no “incitement against Jews” or “promotion of terror”, but again, I wouldn’t expect someone so in love and brainwashed by Israel to accept facts, or even the word of someone who has lived through what you’re trying to speak about.

I won’t even comment on your blatantly racist remarks about Palestinian culture, as they are both untrue and seeped in such great amounts of your typical racist Israeli dogma that I’d have better luck arguing with a literal pile of shit.

[offiona-blog]

♡ ┋ INTRODUCTION !

i know i’m pretty late on this intro, but i’ve been a busy bee the last twelve hours so i’m only just now getting around to it ! this is my trash bby FIONA TOSCANO. she’s a twenty-four year old self-titled princess that’s traveled all the way here from milan, italy after her parents cut her off for spending all of her trust fund within the first year of receiving it. and i’m MIA, a total loser who is barely getting through my last year of college because all i do is procrastinate :):):) (i’m really lazy in case you haven’t noticed)

anyway, i love plotting and chatting and getting to know people so if anybody wants to do anything just hmu. i would love to talk to all you gorgeous ppl. ♡

TRIGGER WARNINGS INCLUDE: alcohol & drug mentions.

♡ ░ — look who just checked in, it’s ARIANA GRANDE! oh, no. that’s just FIONA TOSCANO, the TWENTY-FOUR year old HETEROSEXUALFLEXIBLE sugar baby. the CIS FEMALE just came in from MILAN, ITALY and i hear it’s because HER PARENTS CUT HER OFF. from social media, you can tell that they’re FUN-LOVING & VIVACIOUS, but can get to be FLIGHTY & POSSESSIVE if set off. maybe the resort will help HER explore HER interest in THREESOMES, LIGHT BDSM, & PUBLIC SEX while hopefully finding someone to help support HER financially.

fiona giovanna toscano - also see: fi (noun) bradfords very own wild child who is convinced she’s a princess. synonyms: dramatic, emotional, needy, materialistic and whiny.

fi grew up in a family that was way too wealthy for their own good. her mother made money by exploiting the lives of her children by broadcasting the intimate details of their lives into self-help books. her father was into politics. on the eve of her thirteenth birthday, yet another one of her mothers books was released. this one happened to speak of an affair she once had, and a pregnancy that occurred from that affair. that was the night that fiona found out her dad wasn't really her dad.

although she’d never admit it, finding out that her father wasn't her father biologically really got to her and is one of the main reasons she’s been a rebellious moody brat ever since she was thirteen. and living in her sisters shadow for more than half of her life didn't help. from then on out, she did anything she could to be the center of attention. she acted out a lot. and she still does b/c she's got mad daddy issues.

another thing that didn't help with her development is that she forced herself to grow up way too fast and threw herself into all the wrong things. fi was probably the prime example in nearly all of her mother's self-help books (but calling it 'tips on how to handle your insane daughter 101 and whatever' was too long of a title). she was the girl skipping class to smoke behind the school and dancing on tables at parties on the weekends, too drunk to care about who was recording her on their phone. she slept with other girls boyfriends and teachers and anybody else she could get her hands on. it was a miracle that she even graduated high school (it probably took a lot of bribing tbh) and as soon as she was of age to inherit her trust fund, she left home.

but it wasn't everything she thought it was going to be. in fact, she hated it. she hated being alone and was constantly inviting people over or sleeping around at other peoples places so she could avoid all adult responsibilities and drown her emotions in boys, alcohol and drugs. eventually, she burned right through her trust fund and tried to move in back home, but her parents were fed up at that point and refused to help her. that’s why she’s here.

to sum her up, the first thing you should know is that fiona is a lot to handle. not only does she have a ridiculous superiority complex that helps her cope with her own flaws and insecurities, she is loud and has a serious need for attention. for the most part, she is a very social and outgoing. once you get past her rough exterior, you'll see that she she loves making new friends and having a good time. she is bubbly and silly, sometimes a tad (or a lot) ditzy. she loves to party a little too much, whether it's drinking, smoking or experimenting with anything else she can possibly get her grimy little hands on. she's a little messy sometimes but never sloppy and is usually the life of the party. but she is also very impulsive and doesn’t exactly think before she talks/acts. it makes her a little difficult to get along with sometimes b/c she tends to rub people the wrong way but she means well... mostly. she is a very loyal and supportive friend to have once she considers you one, but she’s clingy. worse than a stage five clinger. like i mentioned previously, she hates to be alone, so she’s constantly texting/calling her friends or showing up unannounced. she just needs to be surrounded by others.

some of her negative traits include being really selfish and vain. fiona loves to talk about herself and is obsessed with taking selfies. she literally considers herself italian royalty and expects everybody else to view her that way. she can also be very moody when she's not on her medication, but it doesn''t help that she’s emotional and dramatic in general. she's sensitive and takes everything way too personally. and because of that, she's also very defensive when she doesn't need to be. in short, she's very angsty and dark and twisty and messy and flighty. she's the queen of eye rolls and picking at peoples flaws in a way that she deems to be joking but it doesn't sound like it (she has an odd sense of humor).

TL;DR fiona isn't the easiest person to get to know since she's very guarded and can give off a very unapproachable vibe when you first meet her (not bitchy or impolite - just cold), but she's a very loyal friend when it comes down to it. she tends to relax a lot when she's in intimate settings with people she trusts, but when she feels uncomfortable or pushed too far, she kind of retreats into herself and goes all ice queen, which is probably a little scary to watch. she loves to argue and cause a scene but she’s the type to run her mouth and run away before it gets physical. and as far as her sexual relationships go, she has a tendency to sleep around a lot in a really self-loathing kind of way. she doesn't really trust men but she also defines her self-worth by how attractive people find her to be, so she hyper sexualizes herself in a way that gives off major vampy seductress vibes. but even though she talks a lot of shit and pretends she doesn't care, she kind of secretly craves the idea of someone to take care of her and understand her and all that kind of stuff. but at the same time she's kind of self-destructive and wants someone to treat her badly?? it's really complicated and unhealthy.

anyway, if you actually read all of that you're a super star because it got way longer than i wanted it to wow. i'm basically up for plotting anything and everything, so if you're interested in any kind of connection like this or shoot me an im / ask and we'll go from there !

[rainforestdawn]

Ang pt 2

I spent the summer of 2014 trying to process that Easter’s events. I couldn’t decide how I felt about it all, and that scared me. I identified with her ex-spouse. I knew what infidelity could do to a person. How difficult coming back from that is. I had spoken briefly about it with him, after they had separated. It old him to pop by for coffee and we’d chat further on the subject. That never happened. I, myself, could have taken those same actions, given the mix of intoxicants found in their family home. I mean, I don’t think I’m capable of violence, but, influenced heavily by other things who knows. I felt sorry for them.

Much of that summer was a drunken blur. Days at the beach (like, 10 hrs each day), and evening with a bottle of Reisling wine. My husband refused to listen anymore on the subject. I had no one to turn to, and I couldn’t keep it all to myself, it needed to come out. So it started coming out to anyone who would listen. Our core group of friends watched me. Struggling with coming to terms of what I gave her children in that short time, and how I felt about the whole thing. They were going through the same thing, each in their own ways. But when I self destruct, I do so in smashing fashion.

I waited, all summer, with multiple reminders. My husband didn’t once look into counseling for himself. I don’t know if he thought I was bluffing, or if he was just accepting that he was tired of having me around and dealing with me and my emotions.

As August came to an end, I was resigned. I made a plan to leave, and told him this. I also informed my family, who would need to take over the care of my Grandmother. She refused to stay in the house if I wasn’t there. I felt broken, and like I had failed her. I was so disappointed in myself. I love her more than I care for my own mother. She’s my favorite family member. I wanted to take care of her. I wanted my children to be close with her too. The family took one month to get things sorted, then showed up with a U-Haul, packed her up, and the house was emptier. I waited until the end of October to leave, making costumes for my boys. Making a plan for what I was going to do.

Leaving was one of the most difficult things I will ever have done in my entire life. Due to complications in our relationship, I was ineligible for Social Support Services. No income assistance, rental assistance, or child care subsidy. The meant, I left with a bag of clothing, a few token personal items, my cell phone, and my vehicle. I had to leave my kids with him. He had a good income, and a stable home, and could keep them in a school they were comfortable in. It was better for them if they stayed, rather than come with me and learn what poverty could be. I hated myself. I cried the entire way to where I was going. A 4 hour drive.

I arrived at my destination, and spent at least three days crying and dealing with shell shock. Then, I started. Wrote a resume for myself, started researching ways I could get a living income that would enable me to live an independent life. I got a job, and I enrolled in Community College, getting a student loan. This allowed my to live independently.

School suited me. I thoroughly enjoy learning. I’m passionate about knowledge, and curios about everything. I settled into routine. And when I was comfortable. I moved out of my friend’s and into a home not far away with 2 roommates.

When I had first arrived, I had adventured. It had been about 14 years since I had dated. And even before, I didn’t date much at all because I’m a long term partner seeker. I knew what I didn’t want in a partner. I wasn’t even sure anyone would find me attractive enough to date. I had basically forgotten how it all worked. So, I tried a number of people on for size. Men. Women. I started to get an idea of what I was looking for. And I was discovering that I was desirable. One of the texts I had discovered on my husband’s phone said “I’m just not attracted to her anymore”. It had devastated me. Dating was helping me actually see that I am a genuinely attractive woman, with a lot to offer.

I visited my kids once a month, at the very least, two if I had enough hours to manage the expense. The house actually echoed, whenever I visited them. Each time I left, I had to pull over to have a good cry before driving the rest of the way. My heart felt like it was torn out, each time I hugged them good-bye. A giant piece of me was missing. Leaving this void that ached so much, sometimes it’s was difficult to get up in the day.

As time went on, I began to find myself. Instead of identifying my self by my children and spouse, I actually discovered who I was. I mostly liked what I saw, what I found. With each discovery, I began to realize, my relationship with my spouse was NOT normal. I finally had to admit, that I had survived 13 years in an abusive marriage.

After a while, I moved into my own apartment. A big step for me, as I’ve never had my own place before, and I managed to snag the apartment of my dreams. My own sanctuary where I didn’t HAVE to talk, smile, or be generally approachable. I was often silent, listening to music, keeping myself busy with school work and projects. I knew my end goal was to graduate as a certified professional, and I didn’t want anything to go awry, so I stayed out of trouble. I didn’t actually have friends in the area, other than the one I had stayed with. And I don’t make friends easily, all the friends I had made while I was married had been people my spouse had chosen. He chose them because he was attracted to them. Any friend I had slept with my husband. Making actual friends was a very difficult thing for me to do.

And then, June hit. It had been a year since the loss of her. I was in class, and my kids called me (something which they knew they shouldn’t do between the hours of class, unless it was very important). When I answered, they said the police had been there looking for me. Puzzled, this was on my mind until I was able to visit again. The police we’re looking for me to serve me. I had been subpoenaed. When I returned to my apartment after that visit, the man I had been seeing, left me. While I knew he wouldn’t be a long-term partner, he filled the need I felt to be wanted. The combination of being lonely, and scared, led me to relapse. I spent a weekend in a cocaine induced haze, after actively seeking it out. And I knew I needed help. 

I researched a lot of businesses and companies and service providers in my local area, and selected one that I thought would fill my needs. I was satisfied with my choice when I was given weekly sessions with a one on one who specialized in recovery and dealing with trauma. After I was able to dish the entire story of what my marriage was like, losing my friend, being with her children, and what my life was like then, they had a clear picture of what was going on, and why I needed help. I was terrified I would slip into addiction and never see my kids again. My counselor could barely comprehend my story, and, after my story, looked at me in wonder as to how I was still alive. We identified some goals, and immediate details that needed to be addressed, and got to it. 

With their help, I was able to attend a debriefing session with the Crown Council (basically the ppl who were laying charges). When I had first opened my subpoena, I was mystified and in disbelief, that my name was on the same document that said “First Degree Murder”.  Having survived the debriefing, I would need to prepare to testify.

The end of the summer came, and i was subpoenaed twice more with the second bringing with it, the final solidified date of the trial. I was to spend my birthday, in October, in court. The summer’s end brought with it the end of classes and the beginning of Practicum (workplace development, basically training in the workplace I was in school for). I had had to book off an entire week (they couldn’t pin down an exact day, so recommended I take the week off), from my Practicum, ensuring I had my hands full doing the assignments in the weeks surrounding it to make up for it. 

My counselor and I did as much prep work as we could, going over what I was going to say, and how I might feel, and coping strategies. Each time we had brought the topic up in our sessions, I had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t sit still, and had tears in my eyes. My speech frantic and unhinged. I actually had a couple of weeks where I had multiple sessions to ease this terror as much as possible, before I had to face it. 

Just after I had been debriefed by the Constable who was assigned the case, he had asked me if I wanted to send a message to the perpetrator. I agreed, and he taped it on a voice recorder. I had asked the accused to do the right thing, and own up to his offence, so the kids would be spared going to court, and so on. It was brought up in a session. This is what I recalled and what lead to me discovering why I felt so scared. I felt guilty. I knew how the accused felt, and I felt I could have helped them. I felt guilty that I wasn’t a better friend. And I felt guilty that I was going in to testify against someone I still considered my friend. These feeling lead me to apply for a testimony via video. I had been denied, despite a fully written explanation to the judge of the state this impending trial was doing to me. I testified, looking at the accused, my friend, right in the eye, less than 10 feet away from me. During trial, the Crown Council was responsible for any expenses incurred by the people they brought in to build their case. I had been put up in a hotel, and had my mother attend with me for support.

When I got back to my apartment, I lost it. The weekend itself is a blank. I woke up naked in my bed, with friction burns, bruises and deep muscle sore spots all over my body. I don’t know what happened. And I had to finish out my Practicum. I survived the last four weeks of my schooling, and successfully completed my Collegiate training. I spent a full week in bed. I barely ate anything, I didn’t bathe, and my vehicle was accumulating parking tickets on the street outside. With no other options left, and unable to function on my own, I returned to my kids. I gave up on myself. I moved back in with my spouse. No one else would help me, and I had no savings to speak of.

With my kids’ care reverting to me as a Stay at Home parent, I had a routine to keep me aware of self care. I took a month to focus on this, self care. treating my body kindly, being gentler with myself when I remembered things, nourishing properly, pampering myself.

My experience with those events was over. After my testimony, the accused pled guilty to second degree murder, and issued an statement of apology.

I had told myself, I was going to try to make a life for myself until I had wrapped the whole thing up. I was useless to anyone as an employee or otherwise. I was falling apart easier and easier. I gave myself until I got word about the findings of the trial, to process everything so I could let it go and move on. When the plea came in, I was relieved. But I was still lost. And I had to admit, I just wasn’t sure how to move on.

After months of counseling, I wrote the convicted a letter. I explained how the whole experience had dominated my life for two years, how I was still trying to recover from it, how it changed me. I told them I was sorry. I hated testifying. My faith in the judicial system was broken. She had all the proper paperwork, and had taken all the legally recommended precautions. None of it stopped her murder. And because of this, many more people were affected. Despite everything, I still considered the convicted my friend. I forgave them for their actions, but I didn’t condone them. I still felt like it could have been me, under similar stressful circumstances. I told them how I wished things could have been. I told them about my involvement with their kids. And, I admitted my feelings of guilt for not telling the kids about their parents when they were with me.

It took me multiple years, to realize, I was ashamed that I had not told the kids about their parents when they asked me. It makes my heart ache. It brings tears to my eyes, even now. I wish, now, that I had told them. They deserved to hear it from someone who loved them. But, at the time, I thought professionals would be more ideal than me. Like I wasn’t qualified. I see now, that I was. But I’m also able to forgive myself for it.

It still hurts, and leaves me mystified when I think of it all.

I never did send the letter. But writing it, brought relief, and the ability to close that chapter with finality.