#and a heart murmur

[feverdreamsandlucidnightmares]

God I swear I’m not trying to be all doom and gloom talking about my health I know it’s annoying I just really need a break and everyone irl is already done with my shit bc I’ve been too anxious to go back to the doctor bc the last one told me I’d just have to deal with it and potentially get more surgeries and I’m 23 dude. It took nearly 3 years before my doctor even agreed that that surgery was necessary and it didn’t even fully fix my shit it just lessened the pain — which I’m grateful for, don’t get me wrong! But I haven’t had full limb function in my left arm since I was 15 and they made it sound like the surgery would fix it and then acted like I was overreacting when it didn’t. And my left leg has been deeply fucked for nearly as long, and at least slightly fucked at least since I hit double digits, and has gotten progressively worse. So like I know, I get it that I need to go to a doctor, but why would it go better now? What’s going to make a doctor take me seriously now?

I want to be angry, but I’m too tired.

[dejablonde]

I don't remember if I posted this here when I initially took it, but I'm thinking about it again, so enjoy.

[billystorm]

some paintings of my cat. his name is andy

[lilithhb]

🫀Experiences;

One night, in a room.

Years ago I went to a school trip with some friends.

I had these friend who I loved a lot during that time, I am a very loving person so I remember hugging him a lot and he would do the same. It was nice because he was taller than me so I could listen to her heart every time I wanted to by hugging him.

As I’ve had a heart condition for a time now he always took care of me making sure that I felt okay. Something that beyond cardiophilia I always found it cute.

“Did you take your pills?” “Make sure not to eat much junk food” “How is your heart?” “Everything okay with your dumb pump” are small examples of the things he used to say to me. I had that trust in which I would lie next to him and sometimes he would put his hand on my chest while doing stuff, feeling my heart. Something that I told him made me feel safe.

I remember the movement of his hand going up and down following my heartbeat as Ive always had a visible heartbeat.

I remember him getting worried when my heart decided to skip some beats while his hand rested on my chest. “Its fine” I would say, “It does that sometimes” and the he would say that it should not happen again as if I could control my heartbeat hehe….

During that trip he was extra careful with me. We had long walks and he would always walk next to me as I would get tired easily because of my condition. My heart always beating erratically with skips and pauses with the sun making me a sweat mess. He would take my wrist to feel my pulse just to know about my condition. One time he even putted his palm against my chest to feel it directly while he told me I should follow his breathe to calm my heart.

One afternoon after one of those long walks both of us sneaked into his room (girls and boys could not share room during this trip for obvious reasons) to rest and talk. We had small conversations but I was too tired to keep the dialogue going, so after a small silence he got closer and laid his hand on my chest once again. My heart beating strong following a fast pace.

“Does it hurt?” He asked, I started blushing for some reason, it never actually mattered to me that he put his hand on my chest but somehow I felt more vulnerable this time. “No, I mean yeah kinda” I reply. “You should rest then…”

I don’t really remember who things went, but we lay down on his bed, where after some time trying to sleep he would sit and watch me straight to my eyes asking me if he could listen to my heart. My heart started to race more in answer to the question, which I stuttered to reply with a yes.

He would lay his head on my chest while his hand rested on my wrist. I remember that I was having an arrhythmia during that time, so he would comment about every skip and rhythm change my heart would make, he told about how beautiful it was for him to listen the one thing that keeps working so hard, and kinda poorly, to keep me alive.

I remember his breathing, his head moving up and down my every shake my chest had in response to hard little pump. His attempts to follow my heartbeat with smalls “pump pum” coming from his mouth.

I loved every second of it. I never felt soy listened in my life. And we stayed like that for hours until the night came. I did fall sleep at the end, when I woke up I was hugging his head against my chest, with my heart beating slowly with the same pace of his breathing.

This was my attempt of writing some of my cardiophile experiences, sorry for the bad English I am not a native speaker;;; I have many more to tell so perhaps this is only the first of many posts with my experiences, who knows?

[thatonebirdwrites]

Kara and Heat

Follow-up to L-Corp, Chill, and Scotch (Lena's POV) and Catco and Family (Kara's POV)

Lena's smile didn't reach her eyes, and her heart murmur sounded more pronounced. Kara gave her a hopeful smile as she handed over Lena's favorite Irish scones.

"Piping hot and direct from Ireland," Kara said, cheerfully. She was still in her supersuit since she hadn't given herself time to change before she dropped by to hand it off.

"Thank you?" The way Lena spoke made it sound like a question. "Are you not concerned what others will think, Supergirl? You, giving me, gifts as if we are..." Her heartrate abruptly sky rocketed, and she looked away, her scent profile switching to a more acidic one. "... dating?"

Kara tilted her head. "Why would that bother me? I'd be honored."

Lena's breath hitched. "I -- I see." Footsteps signaled the approach of Sam, and the door to Lena's office opened. "Ah, Sam's here to review--"

"I -- I thought Sam was in Metropolis?" Kara looked past her toward the other woman, who walked up to Lena's desk and dumped her briefcase on it with a thump. Lena winced.

"She returned." Lena gestured vaguely with her free hand. "Surely you've read Andrea's exclusive? She's taking over as CEO. I will be a research consultant."

No, Kara had no idea. "Oh. You didn't mentioned it. Andrea has me doing what cafe has the best scones at the moment."

Lena looked down at the box and fiddled with its lid. "I -- I can talk to her about that."

"No, don't bother. She'll just take it out on someone else." It'd been several weeks of Kara trying so hard to talk with Lena, to bring her breakfast and other gifts, and Lena still won't look her in the eye. Then came the complexity of Andrea as a boss. If Kara had to write another article about cafe scones, she might torch her new workstation.

"I see. How is that going?" Lena glanced back at Sam, that forced smile still on her face.

"Andrea took away my office." Kara slouched against the railing on Lena's balcony. "I know you set that up for me because of my hearing issues. Those walls were a blessing. I don't know what kind of glass you used, but it cut out half the sound of the city and I could focus. No one uses the office now."

"She-- she did?" Lena frowned. "Kara, how much does your hearing bother you? Since you can..." she waves her hand toward the city at large.

Kara hesitated. The urge to lie still pulsed, and she had to actively fight it. "The glasses I wear? They have lead in them, which dimmed my supersenses to some degree. I have gotten better at filtering out sounds, but..." She nibbled on her bottom lip. "Okay, picture yourself standing next to a gun, but you have no ear protection. Now amplify the gunshot sound by a hundred -- no a thousand."

"Jesus, Kara." Lena's eyes widened. "Is that how it is now?"

"Why do you think I like this balcony?" Kara patted the concrete railing. "I'm up high enough that the sound takes longer to move through the air to reach me. The longer time also pulls some of its energy out of the sound, thus it's quieter. I can still hear when bad things happen up here, but it's not like an explosion in my ear like it is when someone slams a door or a phone rings at full volume next to me."

"Ah." Lena tilted her head to study Kara for a long moment. Kara assumed her thoughts were still on the hearing issue, but her next words end up as whiplash for Kara. "Kara, why are you doing this?" She held up the scones.

Kara blinked. "Because you're Lena? And I wanted to do something special for you."

"Right..." Lena sighed. "Look, Sam is waiting, and I really must be going. I'll give Andrea a call and tell her to stop breaking ADA. We have on record your accommodation request, and she can't violate that for no good reason."

"Lena," Kara stared, unsure whether to be delighted or worried. The sudden topic change had her floundering. "You don't have to--"

"When I signed the sale, part of that was an addendum for her to follow the accommodation requests to the letter." Lena's voice turned frosty. "I do not like hearing she's violating it already." She pivoted and muttered under her breath, "typical of her."

Had Lena forgotten that Kara could still hear her? She watched Lena greet Sam and offer her a scone. Neither glanced at Kara, who stood on the balcony still.

She hadn't meant to listen in, but she couldn't stop herself.

"So, you really okay with Ruby and I staying with you? It might be a few weeks to sort out the housing situation," Sam asked right before she bit into the scone. "Holy shit, this is good."

"From Ireland directly. And yes, it's fine. You're family, Sam." Lena reached over to grasp her shoulder. "Stay as long as you need. And eat your fill." She pushed the box closer to Sam. "I'm not hungry."

"Lena, you're never hungry these days." Sam frowned. "Please eat one scone."

"What are you my dietician?" Lena snapped.

"Hun, that doesn't work on me. I'm a mother." Sam took out a scone, laid out a napkin, and placed it in front of Lena. "No starving yourself on my watch. Now let's talk contracts."

That was when Kara learned several important things:

Sam currently stayed at Lena's, and Lena invited her to stay as long as she liked.

Lena knew Andrea well enough to suspect she'd cause harm.

Lena wasn't eating, and it had Sam worried.

Kara had no idea what to do with this information, because the second one had to be wrong. Surely.

Lena would never choose to hurt Kara on purpose, right?

The thought disturbed her so much that she shot off the balcony fast enough to cause a wake strong enough to rattle Lena's windows.

***

Lena sat at her counter, her feet perched on a rung, as she tabbed through the coding program. Her original idea she had to shelve because Sam's insistence that it was mind-control made her feel far too much like Lex.

She didn't want to be like Lex. As much as it hurt that he died by her hand, she could not forget what he wrote in his journals about her. He wrote of her as if she was a chess piece, and it had felt so dehumanizing. It's why she'd been so determined to hunt him down. She needed to face him and find out why.

Facing him had brought her right into his hands. He knew she'd find him there, and had prepared for the reveal. With his typical theatrics, he'd unveiled the truth in a way to cause maximum harm. The glee on his face as he did it? The way he laughed at her pain? Like always, he found a way to tug the rug out of the things she cared about.

She loved him, yet she'd killed him. He had been surprised at first that she'd done it, but even that hadn't stopped his plan. He'd gone through it as he struggled to breathe. His last words mocked her, and he was right. She was a fool.

Anger seared through her. Was that all she was? A chess piece for her brother and the Kryptonians? She slammed her laptop shut and stalked to the alcohol cabinet.

Except it was empty. That's right. Sam hid the alcohol. Ruby had a tendency to search the cabinets for snacks, eating what had once been saved for Kara.

But Lena suspected she hid it to also avoid moments like this. Where the urge to drink herself into oblivion saturated every fiber in Lena's being.

Dammit, it was her alcohol. She could drown herself in it as much as she liked.

After twenty minutes, she found the alcohol in the bedroom she gave Sam. Tucked into the back of the closet. She nabbed a bottle of scotch and stormed outside to sit on her balcony. She didn't bother with a glass. Opened it and drank directly from the bottle.

The scotch's heat did little to drown the pain in her heart.

At least one thing hadn't played in Lex's favor. Sam Arias threw a wrench into whatever he had planned.

She glared at the sky, at the faint dots of stars washed out in the glow of the city. Light pollution that made the sky treacherous for nocturnal life, which she could fix.

Leaning over her balcony, she scanned the city streets as she took another drink. Easy fix. Replace the hoods of all street lights so the light pointed down. It'd be more efficient and less energy waste too.

What else could she fix? All those rooftops could either be solar panels or community gardens. Be all self-sufficient or something.

She took another chug of the bottle. Making a gun with her other hand, she pretended to shoot at nearby buildings.

All that glass and concrete. Ugly as hell. Thermal equilibrium on hot days won't work with this architecture, as it was made for height and aesthetics, not thermal equilibrium, so hot days meant higher bills for air conditioning.

But how to fix that? She took another long drink. In the distance she heard the sound of waves. "Algae," she said out loud and giggled. That wouldn't work but moss should. Grow moss up the concrete and steel. A green city that would improve the thermal equilibrium, and less power on air conditioning.

What else? Her thoughts grew more erratic, ideas that were semi-connected, danced from moss to architecture to more efficient solar panels.

Ideas her and Sam sort of covered, but those had been silly mostly. This could change things for the better.

"Fixing everything but my heart," she muttered. She peered into the bottle. She still had more left.

Even if she did all these projects and some of Sam's silly ones, would it make any difference? Would it heal the pain in her heart?

Maybe if she refused to rest. Dove into her work and not allowed her mind to rest like this. The pain became unbearable in evenings, and with the transition to Sam as CEO, it meant more time for Lena's projects, but she couldn't even make up her own damn mind.

She wanted to fix the world. To end suffering still, but she hated the thought of Ruby or Sam hurt by what Sam insisted was mind-control. She couldn't lose them.

They were all she had left.

She had almost finished the bottle when she heard the sound of footsteps behind her.

"Don't even, Sam," Lena growled, not bothering to turn around. "I'll drink as much as I like. So don't try me."

"Um, I'm not Sam."

She pivoted and almost lost her balance. Kara stood a few feet away in her supergirl outfit. She pointed the bottle at her. "You live in that now? Or is Kara Danvers no longer a thing? Since you know, you're trying being honest for once."

She recognized she was drunk, but at this point, she did not care.

"I was doing laps and heard your heartbeat spike," Kara admitted.

"Laps?" Lena frowned. "Like sky laps?" She wiggled her finger in the air in what she hoped was a a circle.

"Yeah. When I'm upset I..." Kara sighed. "Lena, you're not okay, are you? I -- I heard you weren't eating, and now you're... drunk." Kara's nose wrinkled.

"Oh? Can you smell it? Supersmell too?" Lena stepped closer and stabbed Kara's chest with her bottle. "What other secrets you keep from me?"

Kara's brow wrinkled. "You know them all now. I mean it. I promise to never lie again."

Lena laughed. "Oh, that's good. Real good. You almost had me there." She took another swig but nothing was left. Annoyed, she tossed the bottle at Kara's chest. It shattered and the glass fell to the ground between them.

"Lena..." Kara looked at the debris with a frown.

"You're impenetrable," Lena said with a flick of dismissal. "It can't hurt you and your perfect body."

Why did she have to look so damn hot in that suit? The skirt had been bad enough for Lena's libido, but these pants? The one's she'd designed and gave to Brainy to finish? All those interwoven layers, some anti-kryptonite fibers she'd devised with Brainy's assistance, hugged Kara's impressive guns and rock-solid abs.

Fuck.

She was too drunk for these thoughts.

"How about you go inside and drink some water?"

Lena laughed. "You, the liar, cares about me? That's rich."

"You're drunk and standing very close to a railing on a very tall building!" Kara gently pushed her away from the edge. "And yes I care! I've always cared. Honest."

She wanted to yell at Kara. To beat her fists against Kara's perfect chest. Instead, she grabbed the front of Kara's suit and pulled her close. Far too close, her breath hot against Lena's own, and that nearly unraveled her willpower.

God, why did she have to look so damn hot all the time? The heat of Kara's gaze only worsened Lena's struggle.

Fuck.

It'd be so easy to just kiss her. To shove her against the building and give in to her raging libido. Her lips hovered closer to Kara's. Heat radiated from Kara's body, scorching her, and Lena desperately wanted Kara to take her right there.

Her stomach had other ideas, however. Nausea clawed its way up from her stomach, her only food that entire day what Sam had insisted she eat -- a scone and half a salad.

She closed her eyes.

No use, her stomach rebelled, and she puked over Kara's irritatingly perfect boots.

"Well, that's one way to deal with alcohol poisoning," Kara said.

Lena didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Warm arms scooped her up and cradled her against Kara's chest. "Let's get you inside." With far more tenderness than she deserved, Kara laid her on the sofa and tucked a blanket around her.

Lena briefly closed her eyes, the glare of the lights too bright. She peaked when footsteps sounded next to her. Kara had placed on the coffee table a glass of water, pain and nausea meds, and a large bowl. Kara stood next to the sofa, but instead of the suit, she wore sweatpants and a hoodie.

"Where's the suit?" God, she had a headache already.

"Nanotech." Kara touched her glasses. "When I put these back on, it retreats. He said you helped design it."

"Yeah, yeah." Lena waved her hand at Kara. "Supergirl's an ass, but I don't want her dead."

"Oh. Thank you."

She took a pain med and drank some water, but that unsettled her stomach, so she laid down and covered her eyes. "What're you doing here anyway?"

"Your heartbeat." Kara sounded timid, scared almost. "I -- I listen to it to make sure you're okay. Since, you know, the universe keeps trying to hurt you. And, well, you have a murmur. It's gotten worse."

Lena blinked at Kara, confused.

She had a what?

"Your heart. I -- I can hear it, and you have a murmur." Kara sounded embarrassed almost. "But you're drunk, so I'll wait until your sober."

Lena couldn't think of a response, so she closed her eyes and ignored Kara instead.

***

Kara hadn't lied to Lena. The heart murmur had been part of what she hoped to talk about, but she'd also wanted to ask her about whether she was failing to eat again. She didn't want Lena to get anemia again, that had worsened the heart murmur, and she still felt guilt over whether bringing that up might have saved Lena a few trips to the emergency room, during her first year in National City.

One of the many reasons Kara decided to just eat lunch with Lena as much as possible.

Bu that hadn't been her only reason either.

She wanted to ask if her and Sam were just friends or something more.

And yet, maybe she'd gotten her answer to that one. Lena had almost kissed her.

Was that just the alcohol? Or had Lena always wanted to kiss her?

To have Lena lean that close? Kara felt like she'd gone up in flames, and the urge to kiss Lena had hit her so hard that she'd been breathless.

Sure, the thought had hit her randomly during their long friendship, but it had been a random, idle thought she dismissed easily.

Now she found she couldn't. Lena's breath had been hot against her lips, and they tingled still as if they had kissed.

Kara landed on the fire escape stairs at her apartment and glanced toward downtown, a mile away. Leaving Lena hadn't been what she wanted, but she'd heard Sam and Ruby in the hallway, and it hadn't seemed a good idea to face Sam.

She'd been too rattled by the almost kiss.

She opened her window and slid through, deactivating her suit as she did so.

Instead, Lena had been drunk, antagonistic, and confusing.

Hadn't she said at the Pulitzer's that she would always be Kara's friend? Her hot and cold nature confused.

Something else was wrong.

Did Lena blame her for Lex's death?

Oh Rao.

Kara dropped face first onto her sofa. Why hadn't she thought of that sooner?

She knew Supergirl failed to save her brother. Knew Lex was dead. She still loved her brother, despite how mean he was to her.

Kara groaned. If Lena blamed her, then how could she fix that?

Apologize. Would that be enough?

Would anything ever be enough to make up for the fact Kara's at fault for her brother's death?

When Kara chose to become Supergirl, she had promised herself that she would not kill her enemies. No matter how easy it might seem, because she would not be like her mother.

She'd been angry still at being sent away, but when she learned the truth, she'd been angry at the legacy of her family and how that followed her to earth. Threatened life here, all because her mother and those like her had tossed people in the phantom zone instead of dealing with them in a more humane way.

She didn't want to be judge, jury, and executioner -- as Alex put it. She was here to help. Not be a god.

Except, she'd acted like one, hadn't she? Thinking she new what was best, trying to do it all herself, trying to control all the details. She’d controlled her and Lena’s relationship, held all the cards, all the information, and that hadn’t been fair, had it?

The worldkillers and Lex had taught her that she couldn't do it all herself. She needed a team to support her. Letting them help had been so hard, but hadn't that been a lesson Lena herself tried to teach her?

Lena had tried so hard to reach out to Kara after Mon-el's loss, and Kara had spurned her at first. Yet Lena persisted, and it had given Kara hope. Even if Kara kept fucking things up with Lena, she hadn't turned her back on Kara Danvers nor Supergirl, even if the trust had been fractured.

Had she lost Lena? Was she holding onto nothing but the ashes of a shattered friendship?

No, she couldn't believe that. There had to still be hope.

She couldn't stop herself. Her ears seemed perpetually tuned to Lena's heartbeat these days, and that awful murmur had gotten worse. It was louder and more frequent, and she didn't know enough human biology to assess what that meant.

Yet she listened to the heart murmur, to the slower heartrate of someone likely falling asleep.

When had Lena become the center of her life? It had crept up on her, and yet, that gift of her presence had been squandered by Kara herself. She'd been unable to fully let go of control, out of that wild fear of loss.

If she lost Lena because of Lex's death, what would she do? How could she move on?

No, no, she couldn't lose Lena, and yet, wasn't this entire situation her fault? She'd kept Lena in the dark. Messed up as Supergirl and hurt her. And now Lex was dead because of her.

How could Lena ever forgive her?

Tears stung her eyes. She hated herself. Hated how she couldn't do anything to fix this. Everything she tried seemed to increase the distance between her and Lena, and it hurt so much.

[sidsforeverhome]

Black 🐈‍⬛ Cat Appreciation Day My Beautiful Boy ❤️

[wiltedprayers]

EUGENE NO! DONT JOIN THE MARINES! YOU'LL BE TRAUMATIZED AND FACE HORRORS BEYOND HUMAN COMPREHENSION. EUGENEEE

[heycallmeplease]

I love you, it's ruining my life.

[3heartmind3]

Here is a new file of my heart at rest in front of the computer. Smart Working is nice but my heart beats like this for 8-9 hours a day, 5 days a week.

3 minutes of heartbeat recorded with the stethoscope placed on the left side of the left breast stuck under the bra. You can hear the ever-present mitral murmur that accompanies every beat of my heart.

[rcmclachlan]

what if i put my life in your hands? what if i took your life in mine?

[elisaenglish]

Drink, Mina. Join me in eternal life.

[3m0-b1tchhh]

[housederiva]

I’ve talked about it a few times on my main blog but I’m going through a very difficult time in my life right now and it’s going to be getting exponentially more stressful starting at the beginning of September. I’m not exaggerating when I say that Veilguard coming out this fall is the only thing in my life I’m looking forward to and it feels like it’s gonna be my reward for not completely breaking down

Anywho! The point of this post was to thank you guys for sharing the joy with me xx

[coquette-heartbeat]

Sneak peak at some recordings coming 🤭 For reason my heart is a mess today (guessing from last night 😅 oops)

Apparently I have murmur tho? That’s new….

[pileofpawns]

I share this story a lot so apologies if you know me outside of tumblr and have already heard it

I have some cardiovascular problems and have to go to a cardiologist every now and then to make sure I’m not about to die or whatever. One time the doctor has a med student or something shadowing him. The doctor’s using the stethoscope on me, y’know, standard procedure, and then he stops to call the med student over like “hey come here and listen she has a really good murmur”

I was used as an example for a med student because of my heart murmur. That’s so fucking funny to me. It’s like when you’re in elementary school and the teacher uses your work as an example for the other kids. I GOT A GOOD GRADE IN HEART PROBLEMS.

[willowser]

WILLOWWWW i love love love your dad!bakugou stuff 😫 like omg i just can't get enough of it. also i'm not sure if you've ever done anything like this before so sorry if you have, but imagine bakugou taking his little girl to the zoo for the first time 🥺 and she's just so excited over all the animals!!

omg how cute 🥺 girl dad bakugou has a little home built right in my heart and in my head, i love it so much, i think about them constantly !! 🥺 but !! that's actually so interesting 🥺

because — i can't imagine that bakugou cares any specific way about going to the zoo; like sure, he guesses that he'll go ?? if that's what you wanna do ?? not something he would propose on his own but it's like !! 🥺 getting to witness his daughter in that environment, for the first time 🥺 not something he really thought about, but the pure joy on her face when she's seeing giraffes and elephants and all the animals that are in her little story, learn-to-read books 🥺 and the aquarium where she gets to see all the fish 🥺 and she's just so enamored by how close she can get to see them !! 🥺 how fun !! 🥺

or she wants a soft stuffed monkey that she carries with her everywhere, or some a little headband that looks like fox ears 🥺 gets a lion cookie 🥺 HOW CUTE like this isn't something he thought about doing, but he gets there and so quickly realizes, like, this is new to her ??? this is incredible and amazing and something she's never experienced in her little life, and how lucky he is to get to experience it with her THAT'S WHAT BEING A DAD IS WAAAHHHH 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🩷✨️