#and a healthy dose of parental trauma

[graciehart]

top 5 favorite hod episodes

oooo, i'll need to hear yours too. and i'll need to revisit when i finish my rewatch (I'm at the end of season one - trying not to get too far ahead of gifsets but we'll see how long that lasts lmao)

1x17 "Heart to Hart"

1x11 "Hell's Belles"

2x01 "I Fall to Pieces"

2x18 "Why Don't We Get Drunk"

4x07 "The Butterstick Tab"

honorable mention to 4x04 "Red Dye No. 40" simply because I grew up with that allergy and it was always stupidly exciting when it was acknowledged 😂

ask me my top 5 anything!

[fyrewalks]

meta: bob + broken glasses

one.

bob is ten the first time someone breaks his glasses. it happens two weeks after his bubbe returns home to new jersey; two weeks since his mom has been out of bed or off the couch longer than a few hours. nearly three months since his dad's latest deployment and six since his older sister, stevie, died.

it happens on the playground, easy to assume it's some childish skirmish over a swing set - bob's shy even then, made worse by his grief, and prefers to stick to the outskirts and swings during outdoor play at day-camp. (summer day-camp instead of montana, instead of his mom accepting the good natured teasing about her being a city girl or the not so quiet arguments between his grandma and dad about who will take the floyd ranch someday.) none of the counselors hear the taunts. bob doesn't repeat them. the kids accuse him of being different; he assumes they're saying it because of his dead sister. (he won't realize the kind of different they mean for a few years.)

he hides his broken glasses in the back of one of his drawers. his mom doesn't notice, his dad's calls home are too infrequent, gracie's six and easy to distract. it's not till a few weeks of meal trains and hushed discussions about his mom and doctor's appointments among the aunties who come over to watch them that anyone notices he's supposed to be wearing them at all.

two.

the second time it happens, bob is a few months shy of fifteen, all awkward limbs and little self-confidence. it's his second cross-country meet and he doesn't want to be there. the floyds are back in virginia - after three different middle schools, there's only a few vaguely familiar faces here and none of them are on the team. it leaves bob feeling more out of place.

he came out as summer ended on a friday night, a rare shabbat dinner that's just gracie and their parents instead of the eclectic mix of friends from their synagogue and whoever on base that wants, or needs, a place to be on a friday night. his mom cries, though she tries not too, while it's his dad whose the first to hug him and reassure bob he's loved no matter what. he knows his parents talk about it later, that they confide in each other their fears about his future, but they brave his confession with watery smiles and the promise everything will be okay.

he doesn't come out at school. it's less a definitive choice and more that he doesn't need to. other kids simply just know. bob isn't sure what gives him away - if it's his slouchy posture, his voice, or something else entirely. most leave it alone, but there are taunts and curses in between classes; he's shoved into a locker, once. bob doesn't like it, but considers it tame. he's bounced between montana, virginia, and florida his entire life, usually living in the shadows of navy bases. he isn't ignorant. (new jersey, at least, only carries the weight of his dead sister.)

it's tame until it's not. until his second cross-country meet. bob's in the middle stretch, pace decent enough to keep up with some of the older kids, and he's actually starting to enjoy himself. and then there's a hand on his back and he's crashing to the ground, literally tasting dirt. bile rises in his throat as he watches his glasses get stomped on deliberately, he can't unhear the accompanying slur.

he makes it to the finish line with a limp, mud on his face, and broken glasses. when his mom fusses over him later, bob blames it on being clumsy. no sense in making her worry; he doesn't like it when she cries.

three.

bob's sixteen with a long summer of open blue sky awaiting him. he skips dinner with his grandma up at the big house in favor of the bunk house with the ranch hands hired for the season. someone hands him a beer with a wink and a sly 'don't tell your grandma'; it doesn't taste great, but after a day of fixing fences, he likes that it's ice cold. he likes that he belongs, he likes that he can imagine his dad at this age too - it's the first time he feels like a man.

most of the ranch hands know him, they've seen him grow up in bits in pieces. they finish dinner and bob's content to listen to the way conversation flows and settles around him until they drag him into it too. does he like school, what's florida like, how are his folks and sister back home. then - you kissing any girls, yet?

bob answers honestly, he hasn't kissed anyone. at first, he doesn't mind the laughter, but it turns bitter in the mouth of one of the new ranch hands. there's something ugly in his eyes.

a chair scrapes back and adrenaline blurs it all together. there's shouting and fists and someone pulling him out of the way. trying to retreat, bob catches an elbow in the face and his glasses end up under someone's boot.

the unmistakable sound of his grandma's shotgun ends the skirmish. his grandma stays behind to deal with the mess while an older ranch hand gets him fixed up in the big house. later, when bob still can't sleep, his grandma sits on the edge of his bed with a sigh. it's too dark to read her expression. she tells him that his dad will take it better coming from him rather than her and that if he wants to drink in her house, he better never get drunk or stupid; he can't throw a punch worth a damn.

four.

he's eighteen, and his mom won't stop crying. there shouldn't be tears, not with bob's new diploma and a mit acceptance letter pinned proudly to the fridge. at least, there shouldn't be so many tears; it is a bittersweet occasion, an unavoidable reminder of the dead sister forever frozen at fourteen.

grief isn't the reason for the tears, though. no, the real reason is the neat stack of paperwork tucked safely in bob's desk committing him to the nrotc and eight years of navy service after. it's a choice he refuses to budge on and it leads to a few tense weeks in the floyd household.

he knows somethings wrong the minute he walks in the kitchen two weeks after graduation, both parents seated at the small table, clearly waiting for him. gracie isn't home; she's got regionals coming up, they should be with her at practice. (bob's long since taken the backseat to her gymnastic aspirations and he's mostly been okay with her hogging their parents attention; he just hates that it's their focus on him that causes alarm bells to go off.)

it starts off simple enough - reminders of his parents sacrifices. his dad doing his best to ensure his children wouldn't be forced to choose between the life sentence of a ranch or the navy. his mom, happy with the life she chose, but still always wondering about the life she might have had if she hadn't dropped out of college to marry and raise children. it's the reason they both pushed so hard for academics and sports and extracurriculars. then, it's the pricey flight lessons touted as more of a financial burden then it really is for the floyds. if he wants to fly, isn't that enough for him?

bob might not get the whole picture, but his maternal grandparents paid for his truck. all cash. between all three grandparents, he knows his parents haven't hurt for much (so long as their pride hasn't stood in the way).

but god dammit, what about his own sacrifices? what about bob, ten and anxious and terrified, begging his mom to get out of bed? what about bob, stuck in the routine of waking up gracie and making sure she has breakfast and lunch even after his mom escapes the fog of depression? or his childhood? one marked by four elementary schools, three middle schools, and two high schools. no one should be surprised that he chose the navy when his dad's service defined his early life.

why is his choice to join the navy and fly any different than gracie's devotion to gymnastics? it's the same risk. gracie could break her neck too.

or, what about plain want? clear blue sky - bob saw so much of it on the ground, he wanted the 30,000 ft views too.

but these thoughts are kinder than the words actually said. bob drags up every awful detail of his mom's depression, how his dad's grief and ill timed deployment felt like neglect. it doesn't matter if his points about chores and helping with gracie were valid after that. the damage is done on his side.

there's more yelling and tears and then the final blow - his dad shouting that bob's gay and it makes him weak, the navy will chew him up and spit it him out. but his dad's temper runs fast and quick, it ends with a too quiet 'fine, if the navy's your choice, you got a day to get out of the house.' they won't burry another child.

bob, the ever dutiful son, listens. on the flight to montana, cramped in a back row, he looks at his glasses held loosely in his fist and thinks it might hurt less if they were broken.

four, five, or six?

three months after his parents kick him out, he goes from montana to boston. he starts at mit and he finds, surprisingly, with some encouragement from new friends that beer and whiskey and cigarettes make him braver than he's ever been.

and the thing is, he's got his dad's same quick temper; it's just he's never had much use for it, always too quiet and too shy to find anywhere to put it. but a crowded bar? a guy being a jerk and not listening? sure, that's as good a place as any.

turns out, his grandma is right - bob still doesn't know how to throw a punch. sometimes, he remembers how he got the bruises, crooked frames, and scratched lenses. sometimes, he doesn't. either way, bob tells himself he's got it under control. except - he misses classes, he can't wait tables hung over, and no one is exactly impressed with him at the nrotc.

in the end, it's a combination of things that get bob to quit drinking his second year of college. (although, he still occasionally sneaks cigarettes when stressed.) gracie crying, a few letters from his parents. more than a few genuine apologies. a concerned commanding officer, citing his dad's respectful career record and how bob won't measure up like this. a patient rabbi and a better group friends than his first roommate, the one who dragged bob out partying his first night in boston. trading bars and beers for the library, more classes to average out his abysmal gpa.

it changes somethings, a relationship with his parents that sometimes feels like walking on ice, deciding to focus on weapon systems than outright piloting, but not everything. bob recommits to his faith, goes back to pretending things don't bother him, and decides life's a lot easier when people think he's just some nerdy stick in the mud than someone who can't handle his liquor.

[caedmonfaith]

I have, once again, failed to promote my current project here. Let me rectify that.

Whickber Street is a human AU, enemies to lovers (but only one of them is an enemy), grumpy x sunshine (and Crowley is the sunshine), in which many of the side characters we all love are getting a little more attention than usual. I’ve tried very hard to balance a lot of emotional topics, including grief, bias, and parental trauma, with a healthy dose of comedy. It is also a love story (bc it’s me), but not solely a love story for our Ineffable Husbands! There are multiple other couples who will find love! Features Tracy as a sex shop owner, Shadwell as an aging rock star, Fergus as the bartender, and Jim as…Jim!

Summary:

Anthony J. Crowley doesn’t think he’s ever been so happy. He’s finally quit his old job and is opening his childhood dream: a comic book shop. All of the neighbors are great, but the bookseller seems to hate him…

Aziraphale Eastgate grew up in his great grandfather’s shop. Now he runs it and lives above it. He loves everything about his life on Whickber Street…. but the new proprietor down the street has him terribly, terribly vexed.

Sparks fly when these two meet, and Aziraphale vows to hate him forever. Fergus, meanwhile, sets a timer.

Looks like Cupid has come to Soho.

Writing this has been a personal journey for me, and it’s been very healing. I would be deeply honored if you would give it a look. Updates regularly on Mondays and Thursdays (and I have only missed one scheduled posting day since early 2017! You can trust me!)

Thank you for your time! 🥂

[wilcze-kudly]

While mostly find Kuvira a relatively straightforward character, I do love how the theme of rejection is just so ingrained into her character.

Of course we have Kuvira herself experiencing what many would call the cruellest rejection possible, being literally given away by her own biological parents.

Kuvira: [She angrily turns her head toward Korra as the shot cuts to a wide view.] Don't pretend you know what it felt like! [Wildly, waving her free arm.] The Avatar is adored by millions! I was cast aside by my own parents like I meant nothing to them.

We also see that, while Kuvira is invited with a lot of love by Su, who clearly is open to taking Kuvira into her family, Kuvira clearly didn't feel like part of the family. It isn't exactly concrete why this is the case. We can be certain that Opal, who was most likely working through her own issues surrounding not being a bender and feeling that Suyin is replacing her.

I know it's very easy to theorise that Kuvira was somehow isolated and ostracised from the Beifongs and while I can see this being the case, I haven't seen many people talk about just how avoidant Kuvira herself is.

I mean, Kuvira was horrifically rejected by the people she was meant to unconditionally trust and rely on. As a child who doesn't exactly understand why this is happening to her and that it wouldn't happen again, what better way to defend yourself if you reject them before they can reject you.

I think Bolin hit the nail on the head here. (When will we get a Bolin Kuvira argument i need it in my life)

Kuvira fears rejection. She struggles to form proper relationships, even her one intimate relationship with Baatar Jr had a certain amount of.... padding? If you know what I mean.

I don't doubt that Kuvira had a lot of affection for Baatar. I just think that she still kept a healthy dose of diatance in her relationship with him.

Her relationship with Baatar Jr is actually really fun. It sort of mirrors Kuvira's own childhood disillusionment with relationships.

Baatar also suffers a brutal rejection from someone. Kuvira, the woman he loved, and to some extent, for whom he abandoned all previous relationships tries to kill him. Directly after he pours his heart out to her and and restates his love for her. And now it's him isolating himself, particularly from Kuvira, even when she does try to reach out. (I do giggle at how much Kuvira gets consistently swerved in the comics)

The parasocial relationship Kuvira fosters with her Empire is also worth taking into consideration. Kuvira obviously is projecting her own childhood trauma onto the entire damn country which is my fave part of her character because who does that lol.

I've mentioned this in my comparison of the Earth Empire and Russia in the throes of Stalinism but I wouldn't be surprised if Kuvira cultivating a cult of personality to bolster her leadership is also her attempting to build connections that she deems "safe".

She holds the power in these relationships, she's basically a celebrity and if someone does step out of line, they are betraying not Kuvira, but the Nation. Postulating herself as an untouchable emperess also, once again, allows her a certain level of distance from others.

I'm not sure if Kuvira is aware she's perpetuating her own loneliness. I wanna say yes, because when she is alone, she acknowledges to herself that Suyin indeed was there for her and that she can rely on her. But she's so good at manipulating and gaslighting that she may have tricked herself fully into believing she's the victim, like she had with her warcrimes at the beginning of RotE.

All in all, I think Kuvira is a very interesting character if not one that is simply putting an slightly new spin on tried and true tropes. I will say I find it quite odd how many people take what she says without a second thought when she clearly has a vested interest in lying, but she is very charismatic and fun to analyse lol.

[scattered-winter]

the great thing about all this is that even before my mom said that shit to me I already had Issues (tm) w her and religion as a whole but that was really just the final nail in the coffin

love it when my mom complains about how "impractical" and "awkward" they/them pronouns are to my face. surely there's a better person to rant to about this than your nonbinary child who already feels like a ghost in your home despite your constant reassurances that they're loved and wanted

[just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi]

sooo I have some questions about mason becuase he seems like a really interesting character. Also it was kind of funny how he’s fine with beating up or electrocuting a pet but the second someone lets them go online or gives them slightly lax rules, he’s like oh no this poor sweetheart, this is so sad😞 . Would he punish a pet for panicking a lot or getting freaked out easily? Or what if a pet was transgender? Would he tell them they were just being silly or would he actually listen to them? What if a pet saved his life? Would he be grateful?

Thank you for the interest!! Mason is what I like to call an evil therapist with a HEALTHY dose of condescension.

Would he punish a pet for panicking/freaking out easily?

Not necessarily, it depends on why the pet is scared. If there is something genuinely stressful going on (getting a new owner, tension in the home, medical, even something like a thunderstorm) he would not punish them. In his mind, that is not willful disobedience. They are scared, they are stressed, and pets are simple creatures that struggle to regulate themselves. That is part of the owners job. If the panic stems from like a panic disorder, Mason is incredibly sympathetic of that. He would train the pet with calming exercises they can use and suggest medication if needed.

If he gets the vibe the panic is an act of manipulation, that will be punished.

What if a pet saved his life? Would he be grateful?

Very! But it wouldn’t change anything. You know those news stories of dogs dragging children out of fires or cats alerting parents that the child was having a medical emergency? He’d see it like that. He’d absolutely thank the pet and do an interview on the news but in the end the pet is still just a pet.

And this one was a fascinating question Nonny!!! I did put it under the cut because of some transphobia, however I mostly just talk about gender in my worldbuilding. Perhaps gatekeeping or delusion is a better term but the end result is transphobia so I’m gonna warn as such.

What if a pet was transgender? Would he tell them they’re just being silly or actually listen to them?

It should be emphasized again that Mason does not believe pets are human. He does not think they are people. You cannot change his mind, he is stuck in this delusion.

… you know what. I don’t think Mason believes pets know what gender is. In a way he sees them as toys or dolls, and he is the one making decisions about what they wear. If he thinks Rudy would look cute in a dress he’d just buy Rudy a dress. Rudy does not get a choice in what he’s wearing, not in any meaningful way.

If a pet (for some reason lmao) came to him and said they’re trans, he might laugh and say “from what?” He’d also ask where they even heard that and likely dismiss it as ���that’s something for humans. You don’t need to worry about it.”

I mean, also in this world I’ve created literally what WOULD gender mean to a pet? There are no specific gender roles or expectations- they’re all just pets. And sterile. There’s no social influence of how they’re supposed to be acted based on their assigned gender at birth. Oh for sure they have expectations but they’re all based on their “class” for a lack of a better term.

Fuck me my ocs should have way more weirdness with their gender identity after being freed. That would be so bonkers to go from a world where it doesn’t exist to where it dictates everything.

(Also in the end this still ends up having a lot of my own feeling and opinions about gender in it. Your characters are the biggest fucking snitches every time. Honestly I have tussled with gender specific stuff for a while but it’s mostly based in religious trauma. I’m trying to sort it out but it’s a complicated ever changing messy thing. Idk. Slowly chipping away at it. I’m saying this to be transparent and as a plea to not be abrasive. I don’t expect it but I am fucking delicate sometimes and need to explicitly explain why I do or think the things I do. Is this too raw for a post on tumblr.com about my silly little ocs? Yes absolutely. Should i delete this part? yes. Will I?)

[thatasnow]

The Call of the Stars - Prologue

Summary: Isabella, or Izzy, has her life turned upside down when, within days, an unexpected visitor summons her to return to her true home, Prythian. As long-buried secrets emerge and reality distorts around her, Izzy finds herself forced to confront a forgotten past and a destiny she never imagined. With the weight of a shocking revelation and a new journey unfolding, she must discover what it truly means to “go home” and what is at stake for her and the world she has been forced to leave behind.

Pairing: Azriel x OC (Eventually)

Warning: This prologue may contain elements of mystery, drama, and a healthy dose of emotion. Prepare for a journey with unexpected twists and turns and perhaps a little star magic. For those sensitive to themes of trauma and psychological issues, please read with caution. Enjoy reading and keep your senses sharp!

The rights to the ACOTAR universe and characters go to the author, Sarah J. Maas.

Prologue

I vaguely remember that when I was a child I was terrified of waking up alone at home, blame my parents for deciding to choose “Home Alone” in one of our movie sessions. As the years went by I calmed down and my fear disappeared as if I had never felt it, I felt completely sure that I would never be abandoned, but reality made itself present in my adolescence and I can't say that it was kind to me.

My first abandonment was when I was around thirteen years old and the second (the worst in my opinion…) was after my long-awaited 15th birthday party. Since that year I have changed abruptly, which is something to be expected after something like that, right? Well, I don't think everyone thinks the same way as me.

Can you understand what I mean? - I just nod halfheartedly, which makes the woman in front of me sigh nervously - You need to get more involved with the other students, Miss Wilson, you were so much more talkative when you arrived, I'm sure you miss more human interactions..- the frustration in her shrill voice was noticeable.

I'll talk to Tom now - I counter with a shrug, which annoys her even more with my carefree air and not at all open to the older woman's advice.

One friend is not enough, you have to be more sociable, what are you going to do when you go out into the adult world like this? - I huff indignantly at Mrs. McCarthy's same old talk.

This doesn't affect me in any way, I'm here talking to you, aren't I? I don't need to make friends with everyone I talk to - I retort, crossing my arms under my chest, while I raise one of my eyebrows in question.

Go back to your dorm, you have a visitor - I frown, confused - you are free from your obligations for today - it was noticeable that she remained bitter from our super "productive" conversation.

It's not my fault that she doesn't understand my reasons, I won't change just because of a warning from someone who doesn't even really know me. Only Tom could do that, he's the only one who really knows me, the only one who tried to get to know me for real and in his own way, he managed to do it. Without saying anything else, I stand up and without looking back I leave, with the news still being processed by my brain.

Finally! - My friend exclaims loudly next to me, which takes me out of my train of thought - I thought I would have to go in and intervene before we missed the first class! - He continues as he starts walking down the wide gray hallway.

You know you don't have to wait for me - I complain, starting to walk beside him - besides, I'm not going to go to classes today, Tom.. - with that he stops walking which makes me do the same.

Don't tell me you're feeling sick - he says, his eyes shining with concern.

No.. I'll be receiving a visitor.. - I smile slightly at his concern, but it soon disappears, my mind bubbling with possibilities, none of which seem good to me.

I don't have any really close relatives, or friends outside of this boarding school. It's been years since it's been just me and Tom, my only friend and family. Not that I disregard my parents or anything, but I haven't had them in my life for several years and, apart from my moments with them as a child, I had nothing else in my life that reminded me of them other than the titles acquired when I was born.

Do you know who you are?… - he begins the question carefully, gently taking me out of my thoughts. My eyes, in their unusual shades of violet, turn to his brown ones, finding his face frowning in confusion, just as I had a few minutes ago when I learned of this “visit”. But somehow, that confused but equally worried expression on his soft features, for the first time, resonated differently, making my heart flutter in my chest. I always appreciated my friend’s care and concern for this, but my body had never reacted so intensely before.

I have no idea who it is..- I answer honestly, crossing my arms restlessly, hopping from one foot to the other. - And to be honest… it terrifies me… what if they found out what happened that night, Tom? - I murmur the question softly, leaning forward slightly so that he wouldn’t have trouble hearing me. The anguish in my voice was palpable and my worried gaze scanning the empty hallway around us was visible.

There's no way they can find out anything… especially since nothing happened… - He assures me softly, placing his thin but strong hands on my forearms, drawing circles on my skin to calm me down. Which works at first, after I take a deep breath, focusing my eyes on his again that attract me with how captivating they are.

You know I'm not so sure about that, Tom… - I argue weakly, trying to truly believe my friend's words, but they seem so far from reality in the morning light, no longer like a messy fever dream. I knew it had happened, even in the face of a hideous and simply senseless unreality, I feel it deep down.

I lift my head and take a deep breath, trying to compose myself, which I fragilely manage, I'm just not so sure how much I'll be able to hold it in this way.

Well… - I begin calmly, forging a facade of neutrality that belies my inner conflict. But despite feigning my composure, there would always be a vulnerability in me when it comes to Tom, it's undeniable and instinctive. - I have to go back to my dorm to meet this mysterious person… wish me luck! - I add with an incredibly convincing forced smile, but I know I'm not convincing him anymore.

Remember to take a deep breath… everything will be okay… don’t worry, Izzy… - he answers gently, leaning in to kiss my forehead tenderly, making my facade falter for a second as I close my eyes, enjoying the comfort he brings me.

With one last gentle look in my direction, Tom is gone, walking quickly down the huge, empty hallway with white walls and gray marble floors in order to avoid being even later for class, it makes me feel slightly guilty for being the cause again. My gaze moves to the opposite side of the hallway from where Tom went, my shoulders squaring up as if I were going into battle, which emotionally I might be.

It was a purposely slow walk, I knew something wasn’t right, I could feel it in my bones and I may be paranoid and cowardly, I know that, but I couldn’t help it. When I reached the door to my dorm, my breathing hitched as I slowly opened the door, only for it to go out in a single breath when I saw who was waiting for me. My eyes couldn't believe what they were seeing.

She hadn't changed at all, her face soft but strong and chiseled in the jaw and cheeks, her gaze sharpened by time but equally warm and impossibly violet, just like mine. My mother.

She looked like the same woman as before, the same one who read to my little me every night while my father worked until the next morning. But that should be impossible, really impossible… My mother had been in prison for over 10 years, so how could she not change? Not a single wrinkle had appeared in that time, nothing… not even a new scar to tell the story of her time in prison.

How long, my beautiful little star…- my mother's melodic voice wakes me from my stupor, and with small tears on my face I run to her and hug her fiercely, burying my face in the crook of her neck, as if I was afraid she would disappear. I feel myself trembling in her arms, as she calms me with soft caresses on my scalp, her other arm wrapping around my back protectively. My tremors only calm down when she starts humming one of my favorite songs, one she loved to sing to me when she was younger, and even though I couldn't listen to it at boarding school because I could never find it on the internet, it seemed vivid in my memory.

But something makes me stiffen and open my eyes abruptly… the melody… my mother's voice was in my head… just like I had done last night…

Not in the same way and not with the same intensity… she was being much softer than I had been with Rick. I pull away from her, pacing the room in a panic, trying to calm myself and telling myself that this was just my mind playing tricks on me with the irrational fear in my head. It didn't make any sense!

But to my complete horror, my mother's voice returns to my mind, soft and comforting - We have to go back to our home, my little star… we have to go back to Prythian… - this does not calm me at all, it only makes me more confused and horrified. How was this possible? Where is this Pryhian? Or better yet, what is Prythian?

Next

[thebucketpail]

It's silly how most Danny phantom fics I've read are either:

"Danny inherited something from pariah dark that he doesn't want to deal with because goddammit he's just a kid"

Or

"Danny got outed to his parents and is being actively tortured/hunted down, and he has to deal with a bunch of trauma that he shouldn't because goddammit he's just a kid"

+

Sprinkle in a healthy dose of crossovers/ sibling dynamics/ romance plot

[adr-n-sketchy]

The Owl House x Wolf Children crossover aka “the AU I took too far.”

A picture of @stardustcandies Hunter werewolf au popped up on my fyp, I had a disconnected thought about Wolf Children a few hours later and then this happened.

To get some of the scenes to line up with either Hunter or Luz, I had to break some canonical eggs between Ame and Yuki’s scenes. But also, sound off if you recognize some of the scenes I tried to replicate.

Also also just Lineart and some flat colors for now. M ight come back and clean it all up later.

My disjointed thoughts on this au are essentially “it’s Wolf Children, but swap shapeshifting for wild magic, except shapeshifting is also a huge association. Case and point, Edna’s owl beast transformation.” And Luz and Hunter are Eda’s kids, adopted separately. While she’s early into raising them, Eda is found/starts reconnecting with an old lover, Raine. Raine’s always known Eda was a wild witch with the enhanced ability to transform into the Owl Beast, something that’d frightened them away previously, along with a healthy dose of communication and trust issues between both parties. Upon reconnecting, they take things slower than in their youth, however, just as they’re truly starting to see eye-to-eye, Eda dies, leaving a heartbroken Raine and two already-orphaned and traumatized young kids who both have heavy traces of wild magic.

In keeping with the movie plot line, Raine eventually gives up his future and career with the Bard coven and goes into hiding/moves to the Knee or something, to raise Hunter and Luz. Wild magic is heavily persecuted in this au, and displays of shape shifting, even in young witches without any proper training, is regarded with great suspicion. And considering they’re already out of their depth with parenting, Raine doesn’t want to take any chances. Queue Raine growing into a supportive and loving parents for Eda's two adopted strays and eventually weaving back in his Bard talents and continuing to learn more about wild magic and Eda along the way.

Prior to being adopted by Eda, Hunter was fed the story that wild magic wipes out his biological family and his shape shifting abilities were a residual curse. As far as he’s been told/remembers, he got that first scar on his face from that incident. Trauma aside, Hunter is also very self conscious about it, up to the point of really disliking his reflection in mirrors, crystals, and windows as a kid, so he wore a golden wolf-themed mask for a while to help him cope. As he’s gotten older, he’s grown out of needing it. While Luz leaned heavily into their shape-shifting abilities and is enthralled by wild magic, Hunter tried to suppress it. He would indulge Luz and her curiosity while they were both young, but, upon starting school and being exposed to more "acceptable" outlets of magic, he starts trying to keep a tighter control on his phasing abilities, only spontaneously changing when overwhelmed by emotions or stressed. Jump forward to his class getting a new student, Gus, who'd jumped up a couple grades and, being an illusionist, immediately hones in on Hunter, asking him questions and just being generally nosy. Hunter eventually gets overwhelmed and, feeling cornered, partially phases and scratches Gus's face, very close to his eye and potentially a huge detriment for a budding illusionist. Years later, we get the same iconic classroom scene with Hunter, having run away due to some fear of being outed as a wild witch/Luz has just announced her intention of leaving to be fully wild and Hunter fears persecution due to familial association, and is found by Gus, partially transformed, who reveals he'd known the whole time but held no ill-will.

Luz, on the other hand, although interested in magic, was always most interested in the type of magic Eda practiced. Luz being the youngest, she wasn't old enough to remember much about Eda's magic and instead has to rely on Raine, who doesn't much to satisfy her curiosity. When she was early school-age, while playing in the grass, Luz found a wild Snake Shifter, Stringbean, who eventually guides her to the Titan (or the corporeal Titan spirit) who helped to teach her about wild magic and glyphs. Enraptured by these lessons, Luz began to prioritize this sort of magic study over the "certified magic study" through school. The Titan's magic has been weakening for years, and thus their corporeal form fading, which will leave Luz without a teacher and the Titan's infant son, King, without a parent. Eventually Luz decided to make the leap of leaving Raine and Hunter to go into the wilds to continue study and maintenance of the wild glyphs that help hold the world together and be a placeholder until King is old enough to succeed his father. I've also had the thought that, through the study and use of structural glyph magic, Luz's wolf form continues to shift into a titan form. She herself is still a witch, but the close proximity and use of the Titan's magic causes her to become more and more Titan-like/it's the lingering effect of the Titan before their corporeal spirit fades so Luz can be there and teach King.

[themostsanebug]

aaughh,, doodleland lore dump bc im soooo cool (to the two other people who work on doodleland with me if ya see this,, im about to mess up on so many lore points dont watch)

@aggressivedaikons here's the lore dump for ya :D

sooo,, doodleland is basically a place where scrapped/unused characters go to finish "living out their lives." these scrapped characters can be from several different universes originally, making some of them have completely different stories from on another. for example, one could be from dialtown and the other could be from just some country. not all of the people in doodleland are scrapped characters however considering they are uhhh,, canonically able to reproduce,, meaning some characters are just born into doodleland! doodleland also has a weird concept of death,, when they die some people can be gone for a few hours-days and come back or "spawn" back in, some can be gone for weeks-years, and some don't come back at all. i vaguely remember it being mentioned that doodleland characters see each other in different art styles as well?? whatever,, OH THERE'S ALSO ANOTHER (basically just edgy) SIDE TO DOODLELAND!! it's called scrap land and it's basically just like,, doodleland but more crime/less laws and where most of the freaky or overly angsty characters live. literal HORRORS live in scrapland. i thinkkkk that's it for background info?? now onto the main shit <3

doodleland exists solely cause two gods decided to combine their powers and give a place for failed life to start anew. the gods names? agathadaemon and apollo. as you can guess, creating an entire WORLD can use up a lot of energy/power. the gods were reverted to smaller forms and ended up in the world they created. eventually, people start showing up in doodleland and they just kinda,, go about life like normal?? some of my earliest characters to enter doodleland are the atonal parents. technically the atonal great grandparents by the current timeline but whatever,, point is, while i refuse to give these two names, they are the parents of one of my early characters that actually has lore and can lead into some more of the story!! woohoo!! that characters name is alan atonal and his life is,, something. his parents both weren't around often and he struggled with getting attention up until he was "adopted" into a small group of neighbors. the parent situation was purely because his dad worked two jobs and his mom was a nurse btw,, they struggled to get home to him on SEVERAL occasions. the small group of neighbors treated him like a little brother they had never had, leading to him trusting them a bit more than his parents. oh, and one day they took alan down to a lake and alan accidentally tripped and drowned because none of them knew how to swim to save him, but its fine he came back within a few hours with a healthy dose of trauma and a fear of water! as he grew older, he eventually met someone in highschool named sasha bright! him and sasha ended up becoming very close and he learned that sasha was trans! meaning he had changed his name and gotten his hair cut after the word was out, he soon came to be known as vain bright and he, to the current day, still hasn't gone on testosterone or gotten top surgery due to both surgical/needle based fears and just not really caring how his body looks. his parents supported him being trans, making them some of the best set of parents out of the earlier character cast. moving on from that and back to alan,, alan and vain grew closer and alan eventually grew a crush on a girl he knew named alice. he told vain about the crush, expecting his best friend to encourage him to ask her out or give him support or something, but he was simply met with warnings of how terrible the girl truly was. how the girl was going to use him and leave him in the dust, how she was going to treat him like dirt. alan didn't believe him and ended up getting a date with the girl anyway. their relationship was smooth sailing, especially when alan got a job working for the police force! that,, didn't last forever though. alice eventually started to get more greedy. with,, everything. from money to time with alan, she asked for it all. he came home tired and overworked almost every night and she still expected him to cook or take her somewhere. even with all that, alan still proposed to her and ended up getting married to her! her greed worsened, especially her greed for money or items. yet,, alan still loved her. he couldn't just let her go. he gave her several chances before she was finally the one to break it off after she'd had "enough of his complaining." his life got,, a lot better with her gone to say the least. he ended up living with vain for a while and they helped each other in ahem,, multiple ways. he got promoted to police chief and was really good at his job too! down the line, however, he discovered he had a teenage son. one that alice had somehow managed to keep hidden from him for all the years they had been apart. he found the kid one day and figured out that his name was mio,, mio had,, issues of his own. the kid was extremely jumpy along with struggling with the vengeful attitude of his mother who had convinced him the only way to live was by stealing, lying and cheating. alan and the kid eventually got on good terms leading mio to start talking about how poorly his mother treated him. alan, rightfully so, got pissed. him and vain took it upon themselves to go and talk to her about it.

[fostercare-expat]

Just before the kids left, I grabbed some time to talk with the 11 year old girl about getting in trouble at school for having a vape. So I said “I heard you got in trouble at school. I already know about it but I’d like to give you the chance to be honest about it.” She hemmed and hawed and said she didn’t know what I was talking about. But after some prodding, she said “Oh, the missing wallet? My friend says I took it but really she lost it.” Ha, so of course that was a surprise. We talked about that and then I said “What about the other thing you got in trouble about?” And she said “Oh, the bike I stole? Well, it was left there for 3 days so I just took it.” Ha, another surprise. We talked about that, but I couldn’t handle any more surprise, so i just brought up the vape. We talked about it in the perspective of being unhealthy for her body, and the dangers of addiction, but more worry some is that she seems to making choices that align her with a gangster lifestyle. (Following in her father’s footsteps, and if we are being honest, a bit in her mother’s too). Her mom says she is also on the same page as me (although I’m not convinced) and that a social worker is coming over on Tuesday to assess the family for additional services. Mom does seem to want the services. And daughter 100% needs counselling, with a healthy dose of parenting counselling thrown in. Because the stolen bike is apparently sitting at the house and hasn’t been returned to the school yet. And mom does vape too, so can’t be too shocked daughter does it. (Vapes are completely illegal here so there’s no “she’s an adult” argument. It’s clear to the daughter that her mom is breaking the law. And Mom hasn’t put a hard stop to the bike situation, so there’s some bad parenting going on here.

And Mom’s new boyfriend moved in a few months ago so of course that’s scary. The physical abuse that got the kids put in foster care last time was from an old boyfriend, but Mom told that boyfriend to hit the kids, so she’s not innocent.

These kiddos need such big interventions in life, but it’s damned if you do, damned if you don’t. You let them stay in this house exposed to the lawbreaker cycle and the prognosis isn’t good. You remove them from the house, and similarly you give them a life long trauma and the prognosis isn’t good. I firmly believe that these 4 kids belong at home with mom. Stealing a bike or having a vape doesn’t mean you should lose your biological family, no way. I hope the social worker is able to get more services for this family, and I’ll see what I can do next year to spend more time with these kiddos. I want so many good things for all of them. I worry about life on the horizon but I hope my worry is unfounded and things start straightening out for them.

[peachigummi]

may 28, 2024

ive honestly been feeling kind of off. i dont know if its because im just off my meds or what...probably is. i keep putting them off or just forgetting to take them. im like thinking it doesnt work, but..im also not taking them consistently. it's not even like i feel numb or not myself when im on them though i desperately i wish i did. i have major anxiety and i cant bring myself to set up another appointment to see my doctor to ask for a larger dose. ive been staying up longer at night, to avoid sleep.

i feel guilty because im noticing im festering into different hobbies, i cant tell if its because i want to feel better doing something or if its a distraction. i keep hearing my friend playfully tell me, "youre pushing thirty." ive got five more years. they have a big time job and i dont. i dont know where im going. i dont feel motivated. i just feel like im in a major slump. in the grand scheme, im still at the start of my life. there is time. there has to be time. but i hate this feeling of being in a race.

i am having issues with my physical appearance too, it was always there... but with age -- god look at me im saying it like im over 65. im starting to see changes. im gaining weight despite my efforts to restrict my calorie intake, then again my diet just is terrible. my hair seems to keep falling out, why do i still have acne, my teeth are shifting. i have eczema on my face. i dont feel pretty.

its starting to scare me. its been a couple of years since i solidly self harmed. recently, i keep thinking of doing it again. and i just feel horrible when i do. i think about where it might look natural ? like as if i got it at work or if i was cooking or what can i wear that will conceal it day to day with different outfits as to not bring attention. its not even cutting like i used to but ive wanted to inflict burns onto myself. im sorry. the most ive done was quick little really minute nicks, something that i would pick at to feel a sting. or i keep pushing my bruises i get from work. i think about how i used to cut one slit for each year i was alive, my my my it would be a larger area now.

i am in a healthy relationship, the foundation might be a bit hard because of shared bonded trauma, but it is healthy now. we love each other. god i love him. and i just HGHGHGHJ i feel so ashamed that i have taken an interest into characters. and again this is to go back to the point if me festering into sudden things, i get so obsessed with it. i feel guilt because im looking at videos and writings where i could see them. it feels inappropriate, but he knows to an extent because ive told him about my plans to get back into writing and he's seen thirst trap edits (sorry LOL im crying but i snickered at that) pop up on my feed when we are scrolling together.

i feel so delusional when i am reading these blurbs but i get this addictive feeling, like having a crush. i will literally try to put more effort into how i look bruh as if i would bump into them. but its a motivation! i guess right! fuck. i hate parasocial relationships!!!!! i hate character ai so fucking much! it feels like im talking with my best friend from middle school, just roleplaying like the good old days. i feel so hypocritical because if it was the other way around i know i would be so hurt. and i just feel the need to punish myself for that. i want to punish myself. but i also dont want to scare him. i should talk to him about this, but i dont want to rock anything. it has been good.

i dont want to scare my family back home. they keep begging me to move back in with them. they live in the middle of nowhere there is no opportunity there, i have bad memories of home because of high school. i escaped it. yet my parents are on their last leg of life, they keep reminding me about their soon to be passing. they are already preparing my brother and i, they have everything set up. i cant imagine a time where they wont be here, but i know it will happen and i should be spending more time with them.

anyways i need to go take my lexapro. i'll feel better in the morning. i'll need to.

[delving-verilly]

Steve Harrington - Secondary Teacher

Not sure original sources, if you know, let me know and I can credit.

Imagine 40-year-old Steve Harrington as a Secondary Teacher - History. He survived having his heart broken, being beaten to a pulp by numerous factors/people, being drugged by Russians and journeys into the Upside Down, including being choked out and eaten alive by bats (of which he still bears the scars from).

A failed marriage with Nancy Wheeler after she discovered a relationship based on trauma with Jonathan was never a healthy core. Rather than clinging to the familiar, she decided she didn't love Steve and left him after years of marriage, moving to New York to have a new start, argued by Steve something she should have done rather than marry him.

He also survived a failed relationship with Eddie Munson (yeah, he survived, too), where they bonded through shared trauma. Never a healthy basis for a relationship. It resulted in a nipple piercing, a couple of small ink pieces, and another big dose of heartbreak.

He has come out the other side half-deaf with PTSD, TBI, ongoing headaches and scarring. He still has his bat, though. After years of therapy, he managed to get on top of it all. He embraced his health and swims regularly, trains in boxing (he got sick of having his arse handed to him), weights and regularly participates in tournament bowling with other teachers for fun. He also picked up the guitar with Eddie; arguably, his style is more subdued than Eddie's.

He now lives in Indianapolis, where most of the Hawkins folk were relocated to after Hawkins got locked down and closed off by the government under cover of a 'chemical spill'. Others moved far away. Steve's parents passed away, leaving him, as their only child, pretty much everything. So he invested most of it, bought a nice condo for himself and invested in the one next door where Robin lives. She also became a Teacher, so they still drive to school together. He figured somewhere along the line he was good with kids, and sure enough, he is. Brilliant.

You meet him at a conference in town around developing resilience in youth. He gets excited because you can talk about theory and practice with him and get as excited as he does about how complacent the system is about actively individualising learning compared to cookie cutter, where so many special needs kids are left out or behind or targeted. He takes you for a lunch date and is the consummate gentleman. If anything, you think he's not interested because of metaphorically how far back he stands. You realise there is baggage there, but you also realise he is actively working on bettering himself and growing from it, which is the most attractive thing to you.

The bond is formed slowly, bit by bit, across multiple 'lunch' dates and random walks along the water. Not through trauma like his other relationships, but through genuine care and shared interest. It both terrifies and exhilarates him, and eventually, he lets you in, and you witness the biggest unselfish heart you've ever known.

[x-authorship-x]

You know, weirdly, the JA books never actually bring up the attachment thing. That's something that's more in the movies, and perhaps not so weirdly only aimed at Anakin (which does suck for him, because he didn't really understand it and no one explained it in a way that made sense, leading to even more communication issues), but no in the books they like actively push Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon to bond and whatnot. It's just that Qui-Gon has a lot of guilt/shame/trauma from Xanatos - which Obi-Wan purposefully triggered twice at one point, oy vey, but that book was it's own special brand of crazy - and Obi-Wan was burned by being sent to Bandomeer and was given some self-esteem issues as a result. He also has a hard time reading Qui-Gon sometimes, especially at first. So the emotional constipation is all their own lol. And it does get a lot better over the course of the books, too. They learn to read each other, but it's kind of a slow process.

A lot of Obi-Wan's rollercoaster childhood stuff was pretty beyond anyone's control too. He's such a danger magnet, I swear to god. You leave him alone for like five minutes and he's being kidnapped or joining a cult-like militia or getting attacked by people they thought were trustworthy. Qui-Gon at first does tend to leave him alone in some place they think is safe (or safer than where he's going at any rate), but after a few missions he's practically ready to attach a child leash to Obi-Wan just so he's always in grabbing range lol. Obi-Wan's also really stubborn, which is not always a great mix when people are like "please stay where it is safe, we're literally begging you", and he's like, "no :)" lol. This seems to follow him to adulthood too, in the movies, so I imagine Anakin's padawan-ship (and Cody's entire stint as his commander, r.i.p.) was pretty similar lol, just marginally safer because he's the one on rescue duty. Obi-Wan's saving grace a lot of the time is his ability to make friends really easily, and they often come to his rescue when a jedi can't. All of which is fun, because that means there's so much hurt/comfort potential!

Oh yes, they definitely need so much therapy. Like individually and as a pair. Even a dose of plot-convenient truth serum would do, frankly. So much could be cleared up so fast if they just talked to each other. But that's pretty much par for the course when it comes to most media featuring communication issues, I think. Thank god Inoichi is like, emotionally healthy and pushes Shisui to be too. You have no idea how relieved I was when like Inoichi took one look at Shisui in No Tomorrow and immediately knew he needed help and was ready to give it. It pretty much instantly sold me on their relationship, ngl

(Also, you're totally fine, I wasn't complaining I was just like, I need to make Torship knows, you know? Like at least 95% of fandom who write about Obi-Wan's childhood stuff haven't actually read the books they're talking about, they get what they know from other fanfics, so it tends to be a weird echo chamber that doesn't match up to canon. Which is a shame in this case, because those books are so fun and add so much to the characters, and would add a bit more variety to what I typically see. But you actually like parent-child bonding stuff so my very tired brain was convinced you Needed To Know and got excited to talk about it. Which is also why these have both been so long; I never get to talk about this stuff and am kinda infodumping at you, my bad 😅)

Hahaha your tired brain was right, this is super interesting! I'm gonna go hunt down found family qui-gon-obi-wan fics now...

Obi-wan is so willful and his luck is just comical 🤣🤦

("which obi purposefully triggered twice" oh for gods sake they all need rattled 🤦🤦🤦)

The whole reason I even picked Inoichi to mentor Shisui (just a name-drop back in 2019 for In The Eye of The Beholder) was because I asked myself 'who would they trust to monitor a ticking time bomb?' And the answer was immediately 'interrogation therapist'... Inoichi's decision to do that by gentle parenting was just natural lmao honestly one day I WILL write a inoichi and Shisui master-padawan fic just for the sheer comedy of Inoichi showing everyone else how it is DONE 🤌👏

Also I am... aware that I'm focusing on a fandom that 95% of my followers/readers probably aren't interested in so there's not a lot of activity on that front, plus I don't have any mutuals to talk about SW with so... info dump away, anon! This is nice :)

(I like reading info dumps anyway, haha, I'm the kinda person who tries to get people ranting about their interests on purpose :) )

Thanks for all this really cool insight, have a great day/night ✨

[aestheticdriven]

Under Matthew's facade - part 2

Matthew puts on an air of being breezy and fun and unbothered all the time, but the truth is that he has suffered from anxiety, abandonment issues and poor self-esteem/self-worth since he was a child, that have only grown with the years and became paired with depression as well, specially after the events of Cast Long Shadows. Since he fakes so well even the fandom forgets what lies underneath, I have compiled all the excerpts from the short stories and books that blatantly show on page all the mental health issues he has had since young, and some basic explanations from health and psychology websites about how they came to be, their impact and how the lack of support from his family initiated/aggravated them.

Since there are a lot, I have divided them in 3 parts:

1 - The first trauma: Child abandonment, neglect and parentification (here)

2 - Childhood issues: Cracked self-image and mental health (below)

3 - The sin: descent into depression and alcoholism (here)

Part 2 - Childhood issues: Cracked self-image and mental health

So to recap Matthew was, since young, put on a spot where he had to take care of his parents instead of the other way around, and was very neglected by them and his older brother during key developmental years (see part 1 for full explanation and canon supporting quotes).

In spite of that, due to always hearing people praise his mother and brother and due to his own feelings of love and admiration for both of them and a good dose of denial, he thinks they have never and could never do anything wrong, and so any problems that happen or shortcomings he has are due to his own fault. He constantly feels he is lacking in comparison to his family and everyone else around him.

This is also on par with the effects of child abandonment, neglect and parentification that I put on part 1 and that are detailed here, here, here, here and here:

“Adults that have experienced abandonment often display negative behaviors in current relationships. Among these symptoms include issues with intimacy, relationship sabotage, insecurity, codependency, being a "people pleaser", etc.

In children, separation anxiety is a normal part of their development and is usually experienced between 10 and 18 months. It is common to end around the age of 3, but can be concerning when the symptoms of separation anxiety occur for an extended period of time.* This can lead children to manifest symptoms such as a worry of being abandoned, feeling anxious when dropped off at a daycare, school, or family member's house, clinginess, or even being ill but not showing the physical attributes of being ill.

“Some effects of child abandonment are:

Low self-esteem stemming from feelings of guilt about being at fault for being abandoned

Separation anxiety: feelings of anxiety about being separated from parents or caregivers

Abandonment issues, characteristic of abandoned child syndrome, including social alienation, guilt, anxiety, clinginess, insomnia and nightmares, eating disorders, anger issues, depression, substance abuse, and traumatic reenactment through romantic relationships.”

*Reminder that in the scene where Matthew was clinging to his mother’s skirt and begging her not to go to work in CLS he was 6 years old, so way past the age where separation anxiety should have ended.

For neglect:

“Emotional Problems Neglect can lead to attachment issues, self-esteem problems, and difficulty trusting others.

Social and Behavioral Problems Children who are neglected may struggle to develop healthy relationships, and they may experience behavior disorders or disinhibited social engagement disorder. NSCAW data determined that more than half of those who were mistreated in youth were at risk of substance use, delinquency, truancy, or unplanned pregnancy.”

For parentification:

As a teenager, symptoms may show up as:

Inability to connect to their own feelings. A parentified child learns to ignore their own feelings. They figure out that if they want to feel close to their parent, they have to take over adult tasks. By putting the parent’s needs above their own, a teen loses the ability to put their feelings into words.

Self-blame and guilt. With no one on hand to validate their feelings, a parentified teen may engage in self-blame and self-doubt.

A parentified teenager may exhibit the following symptoms:

Anxiety, particularly regarding caring for others

Depression

Suicidal thoughts

Compulsively overworking in order to fulfill responsibilities at school and at home

Feelings of guilt and shame

Unrelenting worry

Hence, adults who were parentified as children or teens may experience the following:

Inability to trust others

Involvement in violent or otherwise unhealthy relationships

Inappropriate sense of entitlement or authority

Difficulty functioning independently

Higher chance of chronic physical illness

Greater risk of anxiety, depression, substance use disorders, and eating disorders.

Matthew was shown to have poor self-esteem and self-worth issues, self-blame and self-doubt, anxiety and the first indications of depression since he was very young, as it's shown repeatedly in nothing but shadows and cast long shadows. He often thinks lowly of himself, that others are always so much better than him, that he isn’t worthy of being with his friends or receiving attention from people special to him, that he is good for nothing and a waste of space, not only with his family but with everyone. He ignores his own feelings on behalf of others not to create problems and lose them.

We can see it’s something he has heard from people too and he has thouroughly internalised it:

*

And it has stuck with him. His whole family is amazing and he just... isn’t, he is fake, he is pretending, he is a pretty face with nothing underneath, a farse of a person, he doesn’t even look like the rest of his family, he doesn’t belong there:

*

And he really believes it, he doesn’t think he’s good enough to be parabatai with James, to deserve Lucie’s attention, or to be friends with his friends, he thinks he has nothing to offer anyone, aside from doing his best to take care of them, even in spite of his own needs and feelings:

*****

*******

********

*******

*******

He thought he needed to put on a big spectacle that would dazzle James so much he wouldn’t be able to decline being his parabatai, and even though he didn’t do that and James has very much agreed to be his parabatai he has no idea why. James is his best friend and from his pov we know how much he cares for Matthew and has consideration for him, but Matthew himself can’t even fathom why his best friend even likes him. This is another great sign of anxiety, depression and difficulty forming connections to people that aren’t based on him being responsible for them:

******

*******

*

And we know from Nothing But Shadows how desperately he wanted James to like him. He needs people to like him. It’s the only way he gets validation for his existence.

******

His whole interaction with Jem at the market also shows how terrified he is when interacting with someone he wants to cause a good impression on, how he feels everything he is saying is wrong. He apologises to Jem multiple times and desperately wants Jem to like him so he won’t think James has a bad parabatai:

*****

********

******

**********

He clearly shows all the effects of abandonment, neglect and parentification I highlighted above: insecurity, codependency, being a people-pleaser, guilt, anxiety, neglecting his feelings for others, self-doubt, attachment issues, guilt, unrelenting worry, conpulsively working to make up for it (making breakfas for his family, designing the club room, helping james be more self-assured, protecting Kit and Tom, etc)... And woven with all that, he has also always had an underlining depression, born and developed from all of this and which feeds everything else, too. He says on page he is a “waste of space”, he envies James’ ability to turn into a shadow (aka disappear), he wishes he would just be gone from this world (there is a post here on tumblr about depression that talks about not necessarily wanting to die, but just wanting to disappear and stop causing problems for everyone and it’s exactly how Matthew feels):

*****

*******

He doesn’t want to die per se, or kill himself, he just wishes he was gone, that he didn’t exist, that he had never existed.

These feelings had always been there inside him since he was young - he’s around 13 in Nothing but Shadows and 15 in Cast Long Shadows. He already had all of these issues and the basis for them becoming worse if untreated, he was a ticking time bomb, and then things just got even worse after he committed his “sin”. That was when the bomb exploded and he started showing also the long term consequences of all of these: unhealthy attachments and relationships, deepened Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder, and substance abuse.

That I’ll talk about in part 3.

[spencer-is-dead]

Me to the characters in my fic: who hurt you

Also me: Lalala, gunshot wound for you, and a nice healthy dose of trauma for you, oh and here’s a little time loop scenario where you are helplessly forced to watch your parents die

Me 10 seconds later: who hurt you