#and I'm tired now so it remains for now
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Puts the “plates” in “Fellplates” (Patreon)
#Doodles#Handplates#UT#Fellplates#Gaster#Papyrus#Hurt Gaster! Do it! Maybe classic will get a shiver down the infiniteness of the multiverse!#I wonder if he'd actually do it to himself or if he'd get it put on him by someone else for the full dramatic twist haha#Who even would? Asgore from sheer force? Alphys?? Idk lol#It's just the irony for me for now ♪#Although to completely cover them there'd have to be four rather than two :0 Hmm#Alphys' gift of fingerless gloves was a lot less invasive hm ♪ But that's part of the fun#I don't mean to keep doing crossovers - quite anyway lol - but hmm could that be 2-P from Fellplates with so much empathy in his eyes?#I guess it's the question of if Monsters Are or if they are Made ♪ Personally I'm partial to the latter but I do still fall into the former#Well either way - the important part is a Papyrus that doesn't like what he sees! He knows how much those hurt first (or 2nd? pfft) hand#And then just some errant thoughts about the Lost Soul head style and Gaster's void scars - give 'em to this version why not#Does any Gaster remain unscathed? Would he even be Gaster in that case? :)#A smile behind the white glow and tired eyes ringed by dark scars ♪ Fellplates is fun because he always looks good when he's suffering#The void smoke is still quite fun to draw hehe
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Apologies AU - Good Ending Drop
Hey, everyone. It was my goal to finish Apologies in tandem with the Tournament, but for health reasons, I won't be able to as I planned. Because I tied the story to the tournament and don't feel like untangling it again and making everyone wait more, I'm going to give you all the ending spoilers, as I promised I would if I became unable to finish the story.
What I'm about to describe is THE Good Ending. The True Ending I had planned out almost from the beginning!
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In the main-verse...
Susie, who sees too much of herself in Adeleine, decides to take matters into her own hands to bring the girl's older brother back.
She takes the vial of Dark Matter Swordsman DNA that was harvested from King Dedede. Meta Knight catches up with her and argues against it. It's foolish, dangerous, and liable to be nothing but painful to all parties involved. But Susie anticipated interference and asked Zan to bodyguard her. When Zan arrives (late) to the lab, the argument has caused the vial to begin to react to all the negativity in the room. Zan recognizes its contents as Dark Matter and insists on calling Lord Hyness, who in his own quirky way, analyzes their problem and suggests that while the contents are too weak to survive on their own, a resurrection could be possible, using Void's powers to mimic a hive queen, supplying whatever creature emerges the power to survive on Popstar without burning up into ash...
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In the tourney-verse...
White-Haired Noir is at peace with his life and has come to accept the death of his precious little sister many years ago, but...a part of him still wishes to make Adeleine happy.
Using his fairy-born dimension sight, he discovers an Alternate Noir who is 98% percent compatible with main-verse Noir. This is the Purgatory!Noir from the Re_Birthday post. And he drags this unstable, utterly clueless Noir out of this peaceful void without his permission and secretly "volunteers" the massively confused, un-alive but un-dead teen boy for the Kirby OC Tournament.
It is White-Haired Noir that is the "good" voice on phone and in Noir's head, encouraging rationality. His goal? Get Noir some friends. Get him to face up to/open up to people about his past. And get him caring about his life enough that he wants to live...!
White-Haired Noir has seen what the main-verse Star Allies are attempting and knows that the odds of them actually bringing "Noir" back instead of just an emotionless monster are low without a compatible "Noir Soul" (haha) to inhabit the new vessel.
Over the course of many in-tourney events, including Noir learning to have faith in the sibling bonds he built with Gooey despite being Dark Matter at the time, learning to separate himself and Adeleine as individuals instead of clinging to her to his own neglect, privately opening up to King Dedede, who put the pieces together post-possession, about some awful stuff Noir put up with for years in secret from Raquelle's father (who privately loathed Neichel AND her kids and took it out on Noir) to "pay" for Adeleine's good life...
And lastly, using the power of wishes to interrogate if THIS Noir's true wish is to die and be free, to have never been born, to have had a normal "perfect" life, or if he simply wishes for a second chance to be with those he cares about... White-Haired Noir determines that Tourney!Noir is ready and reveals his plan to him. Noir confesses to him that he really does want to live and be with his family again and offers up his stronger soul for Susie and the gang's vessel.
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Back in the main-verse...
The experiment is a success! They have brought, well, something back. It is not quite like Dark Matter Swordsman in form, nor is it exactly a human boy. It looks a little bit like a spiky haired-Gooey.
After some tense questioning of the emotionless, memoryless, unresponsive goo, it...suddenly seems to awaken. With the voice of a deeply shaken and scared young boy, the violet-eyed blob questions the mad scientist, cultists, and masked man surrounding him... Where the hell is he? And where are his little brother and sister?
Meta Knight welcomes Noir back to the world of the living.
Later, after Noir has time to dress himself in an appropriate scarf, Adeleine and Gooey are brought in and it is a happy and tear-filled reunion all around as Noir confirms that, while this form is strange, it's not dangerous and he's not in pain. He is then re-introduced to King Dedede, whereupon it's revealed that even though Noir likes him, he's still a snarky teen punk at heart, as he sasses the king horribly. (Dedede has gained another kid, but at what cost? XD)
...And that's it.
That's the ending to Apologies I've held onto for nearly a year.
For reading through all that, here is a short comic I drew a while back of the reunited family having a snowball fight in White Wafers.
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(Not to unnecessarily over-explain the story but because the comic is a little vague, I have to tell you that no, Noir does not ever return to human after his revival. I meant it when I wrote in several places that their parting on Shiver Star was the last time they'd see each other "...in this form." This is merely meant to depict a moment in which Adeleine, seeing her brother alive and smiling and laughing and having real fun for the first time in so long, is able to imagine his old self smiling and is at peace that her brother is finally free from the hurt and misery he bore up with for so long.)
(...And yes, he has a long, silly tongue just like Gooey. Which is why he hides all but his eyes behind the scarf. Gotta keep up that cool older brother look even as a little goo creature! While Noir can't become human - frankly, he doesn't miss having a human body, given the stuff in his adolescence and being over-stressed, underfed, under-slept and just overall sick all the time in his later teens - he does eventually acquire the ability to shift into his old "Swordsman" form for short bursts of time.)
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(Lastly, you might wonder how I could have had this exact ending in mind from almost the beginning when so much of it is tied up in recent posts like the tourney? ...Well, originally what was going to happen to allow Noir to be properly resurrected into the Dark Matter Goo body is that the Dream Rod from Star Allies was going to appear in response to a grieving Adeleine's wishes to see her brother again, bringing Noir-as-Swordsman back. At least for a LITTLE while, as it would be revealed that with Zero dead, Noir, who was entirely composed of Dark Matter at this point, couldn't survive on Popstar. Every moment he was there, his body was burning.)
(Still, he lasts long enough to have one final talk with Adeleine that helps heal him from the torturous events of DL 3 - in which we learn a highly disappointed Zero drove Noir to the absolute breaking point, shattering his mind and his newly regained soul. Adeleine also tells Noir she has finally realized everything he did for her during their childhood and apologizes to him for not seeing it before. With dawn on the horizon, Noir asks to look over Adeleine's sketchbooks with her before the end... He dies one last time, peacefully, while Adeleine finally gets to properly mourn him.)
(Then, all the "main-verse" sections proceed to happen as stated above!)
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(...Okay, okay. One last thing. There was also an alternate ending planned where Magolor, taking advantage of the fact that Merry Magoland was built on a nexus point, finds a way to reunite Adeleine and White-Haired Noir - still a teen in this version - using his theme park as a union point, as special birthday gift for Adeleine.)
(I was kinda fond of this one for reuniting the timelines, but it opened up a lot of questions such as, if Magolor made it so that Noir and Adeleine from two different dimensions can see each other as long as they're both in Magoland, could others from the WH Noir-verse see the main-verse this way? It invited too many questions, so that's why I scrapped that one and just let White-Haired Noir grow up instead.)
#Apologies AU#Noir Fontaine#PS: going to be on posting hiatus for a bit#To make a long story short this is the fourth(?) time in a year I've had serious wrist pain. And it's BOTH wrists this time ._.#Possibly carpal or radial tunnel - which I don't want - so I'm cutting out all drawing and non-work writing for a few weeks#But I'm tired of the same ol' song and dance of putting the happy resolution off again and again and again...#...and I'm worried about getting distracted playing catch-up when I come back so ...You get the ending NOW!!#(Want to keep this post clean so all you get about the background stuff in Noir's adolescence is heavy context clues)#(Speaking of background things - after 02's destruction Raquelle's damaged soul is left wandering the void...#...she is salvaged by Drawcia who is herself part Dark Matter and has been 'repainting' discarded Dark Matter shells)#(Mistaking Raquelle's memories of '...girl...painting' (Adeleine before she was attacked) she assumes she is an artist and...#...makes her a brand new body out of the remaining dark matter and adopts her under the name (yes) 'Vividria.')#(Vividria and Ado meet in Star Allies and though Vivi has no memories they immediately become super close once more!)#(Adeleine doesn't know it's her but Noir will eventually put two and two together - though he doesn't press the issue)#(So yeah! Things basically end happily for most everyone!)#(As for Neichel and Rim they probably ARE watching from heaven - sorry Noir!! - and happy to see their kids happy!)
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Y'know I WAS trying to spend the last few days writing, doing stuff that's like decently productive to ME, but....after finishing OneShot I thought I should play In Stars And Time, because I saw a post that said Undertale, OneShot, and ISAT had similar underlying themes so I might as well play all of them.
But ISAT....just keeps going. I'm like 40 hours and 60 something loops in and it just....keeps.....going.......I feel like Siffrin I am straight up losing my mind and it is destroying me. How can I write sappy fanfiction when I have THIS to deal with. It's just not happening.
#No spoilers to or from me plz#I just can't handle this#THE HOPE KEEPS FADING EVEN THOUGH THE LOVE REMAINS#THE LOVE IS THERE ITS THERE BUT IT DOESN'T FIX ANYTHING#GODDAMNIT ISABEAU TALK TO ME I CAN'T HANDLE THIS#Started this game looking at Siffrin like 'woah new fictional crush its been a while since that happened'#And now I'm just#Tired#And so is he#I'm like immersed to an unhealthy degree#In Stars and Time#ISAT
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ah. ok. so from what I'm seeing from some shadow of the erdtree spoilers, fromsoft has doubled down on some incredibly troubling tropes that were already present in the main game and that they really should know better than to employ this way. there's some really ugly history attached to the themes and ideas they're presenting here, and playing it this straight is both irresponsible and annoying. disappointing at best, objectively not funny.
the fact that they decided to publish this dlc during pride month, though? fucking hysterical
#let me remain vague but full of newfound levels of ennui about it lol#elden ring#elden ring spoilers#shadow of the erdtree#shadow of the erdtree spoilers#I'm a bit sad that this has killed all my desire to play the dlc everyone is so excited i really feel like a party pooper haha#and also just depressing and tiring that I don't think the fromsoft community will ah. handle it gracefully or well! let's say#there was already some shitty stuff with equating male queerness with predatoriness in the main game and. well! well well. ok I guess#the mogh stuff already had me all grimace emoji and now it feels like they were very much doing it on purpose. which sucks!#waiting for tbskyen to reach this part of his boss designs playthrough b/c he's the only bitch I trust to dissect this properly haha
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sorry, Spahr, the divorce is back on. sorry, Imogen, I'm not divorcing him for you. I'm marrying Emmet Crowne now.
#Emmet! it's my boy Emmet! I'm SO fond of him for no reason.#I apologize to all of you who are tired of this joke now but it remains SO funny to me. me and my dreams of quickly divorcing Trustees 😌#Midst things#Midst spoilers
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why do we have summer already? last time i checked it was february
#im so tired#while i'm already chronically fatigued any temperature above 15C is sucking the remaining energy out of me#don't get me wrong i'm happy to have one warmer day and go out on the sun for a while#but soon i won't be able to sleep again and i'm gonna be a ghost for few months#and everything gonna be sweaty and ughh the horror of wearing less clothes or dying in jeans on 30 degrees#it cam stay how it is now fine but we can't have summer yet boys i can't take it
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Bruh people aren't fucking lying about COVID fatigue goddamn
#covid#life of sponty#ive been sick since i got back home on 12th#infected probably 1 to 3 days before that#so im coming up on 2 weeks of covid#and right now the worst symptom remaining is the fatigue and exhaustion#i got up and showered and sat at my desk for 30mins and now I'm so exhausted i have to go back to bed#it's effort to stroke the cat#the other day i did a small physical exertion and afterwards was so intensely tired it tooo about 6 hours of recovery#just to be able to lift small objects without dropping them#shits fucked bruh#also I'm getting the classic taste fuckery and bitter and alkaline flavours are literally making me choke#it's wild#desperately hoping it doesn't last because i really dont want to lose onions forever#i love onions#i was scared for a second that I'd lost mango too but it turns out it's just the mango skin flavour. the flesh is fine#cough was only monstrous for like a day#rest of the time it's not been any worse than ive had from normal nasty coughs. pretty manageable#the fatigue is wack though#I've never been this weak before#it's kind of fascinating from an authorial perspective#this is going to be useful experience for the writing banks
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Miserable, horrible, I hate throwing upppp
#Tmi in the tags#I am laying on the couch now with a bucket by my head just in case#But truly nothing feels quite so pathetic like sitting on the toilet with a bucket in your lap#Cold sweat and shaking#I usually try to avoid throwing up at all costs. This time i wasn't fully opposed bc you're supposed to feel better after right?#I guess I feel better in the sense that I'm not immediately nauseous upon moving#But my stomach is still cramping and the undercurrent of nausea remains#So I'm laying here and sipping bitter tea that's supposed to calm the stomach#Wallowing in my misery by myself#I don't even know what caused it!!! Was it smth I ate? Did I catch a stomach bug? Why didn't it start earlier???#Anyway as usual when I'm sick. I want my mum#I'm so tired#Personal
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Fun fact; I got a habit of opening docs for future -2+2 chapters ages before i actually get to them just to save the name idea and, to refresh my memory, i add like one or two sentences that resume the main points. So whenever i open a doc to start a new chapter i am greeted with this kinda thing
#I HAVE MORE NOTES it's not just one line that makes me elaborate a whole ass chapter don't worry#i just find this silly#especially since sometimes this desc of sorts will be wrong when i actually start writing#like. this is no longer a whole Ayame chapter. it starts from where we left off at ch22 and only switches to her by the end#i am a tad bit worried ngl#because i moved a scene from the last chapter onto the start of this one#so I'm worried this may be another gigantic chapter#and by now I'm getting kinda tired of writing such long pieces everytime(?)#there's just. a lot i wanna show and i don't wanna mess up the organization i got#at least i have a good feeling that the remainer ch4 chapters after this one will have a more moderate lenght#crossing my fingers that I'm not wrong on this one honestly-#this inconsistent lenght problem is mainly because i have a clear idea of how i wanna start and end chapters a lot of the time#and if i change stuff around i subsequently have to change stuff on later chapters and mess these fun ideas i had#oh well#dra -2+2#hyena ramblings
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Physically, I'm already lying down.
Emotionally, I feel like I need to find a soft spot and crumple dramatically to the ground and lay down for a few weeks.
#sonder speaks#personal#but also if I wasn't fine with this being read/reblogged without context I wouldn't have posted it here#this week has been exhausting#I feel like I need permission from someone to go crawl into a nest and cry#one of my budgies died a few days ago#but I was looking after other animals that normally have a more dedicated caretaker#which was hard enough to handle that I couldn't really mourn my budgie much#especially when I need to keep happy around the remaining one so he doesn't grieve or get lonely#and I had to do a few specific tasks that are really really hard on me because nobody was there to help#and I tried to help my sister with things but none of the things worked#and a plan our family is excited about started to hit roadblocks#and one member of the family had a meltdown that triggered trauma in others in the family and drove things downhill#the family members at the center of this meltdown normally help me with chores and animal care#I was looking forward to them being home so I could rest and recuperatr and mourn#and now the meltdown has followed them here and it's built on top of years of other meltdowns and everything is tense#and of course it's bringing up old traumas and expectations and fears for me too#and I end up as a 30 year old feeling like he has 16 year old problems again#my whole body is tense#I'm not tired enough to sleep#I almost feel like crying for my budgie and all my fears and the things I let mysrlf get excited for#the things that either won't happen at all or are tainted by this veil of persistent bitterness that followed them home to me#almost#but I fear the possibility that crying could make things worse in any capacity#and I've struggled to cry for years anyway#so I'm just trying to use therapy tools to quiet the spiraling thoughts#and making this post because it feels like journaling without the pitfalls I fall into while journaling or talking directly to a person#hoping I'll get enough sleep that I don't accidentally trigger a sleep-deprivation/stress seizure my meds can't stop#and tomorrow I have to get back to studying which is very hard for me but gets me closer to making money#I liked when things were mostly good and calm and just sucked on a passive level -- can I have that again?
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Every chapter I beg for his death
#yet he remains to torment me#he did nothing so why does he get a whole announcement it's not YOUR CHAPTER IT'S KY'S CHAPTER#most unnecessary shit they've drawn#god please kill him NOW#I'm tired of his ass#owari no seraph#seraph of the end
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probably the most Pathetic part of the sleep consult was when he was like "okay so we're mostly talking about hypersomnia here, but you mentioned some insomnia too??" and so i explained that sometimes i'm too dead tired to do anything but go to sleep, except that then i lay in bed trying to sleep for anywhere from 2 to 6 hours with nothing happening, and i don't get any more awake or refreshed during the process, and if i get up then i just want to go back to bed, and he was like, "okay. but you're also sleeping for 12 to 16 hours a day. so what's Most Likely here is that you're struggling to sleep because your body has maxed out its ability to sleep, not because of an insomniac condition keeping you awake"
and i was just.
"BUT. I'M TIREEEEEDDDDDDD"
:((((((((((((((
#everything he said was reasonable and logical though. definitely a guy who understands what he is talking about. no condescension#so it wasnt that he's WRONG about this it's just. i'm so tired :(((#he was like we gotta get you to a baseline amount of sleep per night even if it's 14 hours a night#and it's really telling that like. it would be a MIRACLE for me to be able to spend a consistent 14 hours in bed with#consistent sleep-wake times. and actually feel awake during those remaining 10 hours of the day.#anyway. on THAT note. i sleep a little more now. gnight friends.#autoimmune tag
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I'M FREEEEEEEEEEE*
*until tomorrow morning
#Honestly today wasn't THAT bad it was just like. A lot#6hrs public facing..... Coworker dealing with grief so. Trying to give her a break#Though she's terrible at her job anyway so it's kinda whatever#Evil coworker remained annoying and evil but it's fine#I'm sooooo tired this is why i don't stay up late#Now frisbee!
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Girl you gotta write your term paper and not cry about your poor life choices
#tw eating issues#seriously idk how much detail I'll go into but i had a full blown relapse of my eating disorder i thought I had overcome and i gotta cry#about it now so you've been warned#i didn't think it could get this bad again#I've been having ups and downs over the past 4 years and I've definitely had phases where i felt like I've relapsed more or less#but it was never as bad as it used to be#so now this is annoying#i avoided thinking about it the past few weeks telling myself it was fine even though i knew what I'm doing is stupid as hell#but yeah i guess crying about it isn't gonna solve anything either. i know exactly what helped me overcome it in the first place#and i know exactly why i couldn't get over it for so long. and unfortunately I'm currently in exactly that state of mind that doesn't want#to let me let go of it. i hate it. i hate myself for letting it come to this. i hate myself for everything I've done the past few weeks#i hate that i don't know what to do because one part of me just clings on to the obsession while the other part of me is just tired of my#shit. i don't know how to get myself out of it. it all might get better once I'm back home because food won't be as much of a problem there#I'm torn between not eating anything at all or obsessively calculating my calories and trying to get rid of every single one i consume by#running until my feet are bleeding and i just. don't. know. how. to. stop. it.#maybe deleting the three new food and exercise diary apps would be a start... but how do i delete these dumb arbitrary rules from my head#idk. i can't go home because of this obviously. i won't. but i don't want my remaining 3 months be consumed by obsessive thoughts and#self destructive behaviors either. i don't know#it's my fault so idk why I'm crying- i could at least wait until my term paper is done lmao#wasting precious time here#void screams#tbd probably
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you know i oscillate between appreciating and resenting this fact about me (which is VERY maretypical tbh) b/c of how complicated it makes things but in this moment i must step back from my emotions and say. holy SHIT i am so glad i do not possess a drop of impulsivity in me holy fucking shit oh my God.
#nightmare.personal#haha. bites my lip and looks around alluringly. I would ruin my life so fucking fast actually.#and that's why it's kind of shitty because i don't have uh. that many outlets? for how i feel?#which doesn't? exactly end well? sometimes i don't know how i survive this#but also i am very glad that i am not impulsive and further i am REALLY glad i have chronic exhaustion#because the way that i mentally feel right now is only being held back by the fact that i'm reigning myself back#and am too tired to even like. get up to brush my teeth#also this makes life easier on everyone who knows me because they know i won't try risky shit#i just remain Moderately Concerning to people which is how i'd like to fucking stay thanks#not to my family though. everyone in the world be worried about me but i don't want my family to even perceive me#... my mother and sister can. but they know my happy moments first and foremost#my father and brother will learn about everything a step too late and that's how i like it#it's the younger brother instinct in me what can i say!! i've got to fucking prove myself somehow!!!#God i do not feel good right now huh.
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eepy
#☕️ | chatter#im so !! tired#i wanna go to bed but the lack of sleep makes me less hesitant to do things so...#anyway shoutout to that one memory of an security guard accidentally calling me sir instead of ma'am i think about you a lot#like...that one memoery make me think so hard harder than me solving math problems#LIKE THE MOMENT MY MOTHER TOLD ME THE GUARD PROBABLY MISTOOK ME FOR MY DAD WHO WAS WALKING BEHIND ME I GOT KINDA DISAPPOINTED?#brain. brain you fuck what does this mean. BRAIN. WHY WOULD YOU KEEP THAT MEMORY.#anyway its engraved within me now i keep remembering it every now and again and it makes me afraid#i'm happy with myself!! really!! maybe...#i dont know im comfortable in my own body so i dont know where that came from#i'll probably delete this...later
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