#and I'm so excited to finally FINALLY get this fucking diagnosed

[sapphicautistic]

Guess who has a tilt table test April 9th!!!!!

[not-goldy]

Nah the way Jk whipped it in the parking lot and hit he brakes had me dying. He trying to give Jimin whiplash. Just eating the hell out of my popcorn and watching.

Jk: You're here. FINALLY Jm: I miss V. Jk: ?? okay lets call him. Jm: Should we call RM. Jk: Hi Taehyung Hyung, you're adorable, I love you. Jm: Lets call Suga. Jk: I miss members. Jm: I'm a member. Jk: ….

They really went to bed fighting & woke up fighting. Alexa Play, Pillowtalk by Zayn.

"So we'll piss off the neighbors. In the place that feels the tears. The place to lose your fears. Yeah, reckless behavior. A place that is so pure, so dirty and raw. In the bed all day, bed all day, bed all day. Fucking and fighting on. It's our paradise and it's our war zone."

Lmho

I think we saw different shows🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I nearly posted a meme about them going to bed but was saving it for my analysis on my other blog.

They didn't go to bed angry at all. Like I said, by evening Jungkook's anger had been dispelled.

He was literally singing the moment he saw that bed that night and exclaimed he "loved this" while rolling on the bed😭

Went on and slept passed out next to Jimin- probably the best night in a long time for him stress free with a warm sexy boy next to him😩😩😩😩

Then he went out and made a stone flower for Jimin the next morning and prayed to it for him to get better. Called Jimin to come and pray for good health too. Again I don't know bout yall but that was sweet as fuck.

But for real, someone seemed excited to go to bed next to Jimin the previous night🤣🤣🤣🤣

Woke up well rested and in a good zen mood😌

And Jimin had to stink the room for sure but he was like don't mind me at all go poop it out I'll just lie here and sniff it all in🥴💀💀💀💀

And by the way he was the one who diagnosed Jimin with a stomach bug and said they had to get medicine the next day cos it must be a stomach bug.

I don't think they woukd have gotten drugs for Jimin at all because until Jungkook pointed out he needed to take something for it, the crew did nothing for JM even though they knew about it throughout the day when he would run off to use the loo every where they went to.

And he didn't tell JK about it earlier. Jk had to keep asking where Jimin was throughout the day when he would disappear out of the blue.

If he didn't care at all he wouldn't have been searching for him any time he disappeared. Even with V, he still asked where that man was when he wasn't coming.

Dude literally hopped and skipped away from Tae just to catch up with JM. And not to make this a competition but when JM said he regretted coming to be with JK JK said well its too late for that now 🤭

Meanwhile Tae said I shouldn't have come and he said go then. This is our show anyway 🥴

So I dont know why people are exaggerating his sass towards Jimin😩

To be frank, I would have fled the room if anyone was taking a dump three feet from where I slept I don't care if Jimin's shit smells like roses🥴

Jungkook just sniffed it all in if that's not love I don't know what is😩😩😩😩

[dollfaceksj]

It's Cal Day!!!😭🎊

Ugh, I'm so excited you have no idea

😘🫶🏽

can’t afford love | myg (m) #18

⋆ TAGLIST ⋆

⇠ PREV. ⋆ MASTERLIST ⋆ NEXT ⇢

you go to pick up jun from daycare the following monday

upon arriving home, you instantly start cooking his favorite food

have dinner with him

tuck him into bed

stare at him for a moment longer as he sleeps

so peacefully

and he looks so damn much like his father

his father

whom you haven’t been able to get out of your head since yesterday

fuck

you regret asking him

you regret leaving like that

but if you hadn’t

you’d have broken down in front of him

cried your eyes out in front of him

it would’ve felt like you made it about you.

even though it is to an extent

it’s a weird thing

you always thought yoongi handled the separation pretty well

him drinking to forget the pain sounds so unlike him

even when you knew him

even when his father—his best friend—died

he’d find comfort in you

would come home

hold you

he’d let a few tears escape but he never drank to that extent or cried his heart out

just held you

needed you to stroke his hair

kiss him

kiss his face

tell him everything was going to be okay

and in the end, you really did help him get through it

other than that, the most pain you’d seen him in was when the results for jun came back

because your pregnancy with jun was overdue

the thing is

jun was diagnosed with epilepsy

:(

there’s nothing more terrifying than watching your tiny little baby have seizures

jun’s a sick boy too

bad immune system

you’d never seen yoongi as bad as you did when jun had been hospitalized for the furst time for a seizure that wouldn’t stop

yoongi didn’t sleep for over 48 hours

he’d lost so much weight

looked so weak and tired

so to think

your divorce

had him crying and drinking until he passed out in his vomit

:(

oh gosh

fuck

you feel

so

fucked up

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

your week goes by slow

by the time it’s friday

you still haven’t heard from yoongi

:(

you’re not sure if dinner is still on or not

you take a deep breath and pull up your phone

from: you

‘we still on for dinner with jun tomorrow at mine?’

you put your phone down

waiting for him to respond

seconds pass into minutes

minutes pass into hours

by the time you want to go to sleep, your phone finally buzzes

from: yoongi

‘👍.’

oh

okay.

you suppose that’s an appropriate response.

:(

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

saturday rolls around

yoongi arrives a little after 7pm

you open the door for him in your silk bath robe

let him in

he barely looks at you

just walks up to jun, picking him off the floor and hugging him

kissing his cheeks

jun giggles and plays with his father’s hair

you’ve cooked yoongi’s favorite

he loves cheese tteokbokki and thats exactly what you made

with extra side dishes

you go to sit by the table, filling each plate

yoongi sets jun down and doesn’t say much else

he sits across from you, next to jun

hands jun his fork

and jun digs in without much thought

you hand yoongi his plate

he simply takes it without looking at you, muttering a low and quick ‘thank you’

mad or not

yoongi’s always gentle

you take your seat

and eat

in silence.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

yoongi uses the bathroom after 2 hours of sitting by the table

when he comes back

jun’s nowhere to be found

and you’re done cleaning the table

so he goes to look for you

finds you in your room

you’re a sick bitch for doing this btw

he frowns as he walks in, watching you remove your jewelry in front of your mirror. “where’s jun?”

you glance over your shoulder

it’s the first time he’s directly addressing you today

you look back at yourself in the mirror. “my mom just picked him up.”

he tilts his head to the side. “why?”

you put your earrings down and turn to him

walk up to him

you’re nervous

you’re starting to chicken out

but your hand reaching out for his almost comes like an automated act

he glances down at your hand

back up at you

but you keep staring at him

slightly shake your hand in the air so he understands that you want him to take your hand

he eventually takes your hand with a frown

you lead him to your bed

make him sit down

he sits down

looks up at you

you’re so

fucking nervous

but you bite the bullet

and place your hands on his shoulders as you climb onto him

start straddling his lap

he looks up at you

leans back on his hands

doesn’t give you the satisfaction of touching you

as if he wants to see what you’re trying to do

you cup his face, rub his cheeks softly

“you gonna let me take care of you?” you whisper, leaning forwards

his eyes instantly drop down to your lips

you nudge his nose with yours

and your lips barely graze his when he whispers, “take care how?”

you stare straight into his eyes

you’re so damn close to each other

his hands slowly travel up your thighs to your hips, giving them a firm squeeze

well… that didn’t take long

but he doesn’t lean in for a kiss and neither do you

and unfortunately

you chicken out last minute

so you kiss down his neck instead

kiss his jaw

suck on his neck gently

until you get some kind of reaction out of him

a soft exhale

lip bite

tense body

all of which happen

hmmm

you keep stalling

almost chicken out

but you’re done doing regretting this

now suck it up because you wanted this

you slowly slide off his lap

get on your knees in between his

and look up at him

he leans back on his hands to be able to stare down at you through hooded lids. arrogantly licks his lips. “what are you doing, sugar?”

you rub his thighs softly. “taking care of you.”

he stares at you with intende eyes and a skeptical expression

“will you let me?” you ask, squeezing his knees

he rolls his tongue against the inside of his cheek. “i hate you so much,” he whispers quietly

you place your cheek on his lap and look up at him, feigning innocence. “hm?”

he shakes his head. “hate how easy it is for you to make me forgive you. all you have to do is bat those fucking eyes at me and i’m sold. so damn pathetic.”

you know it’s exactly why he refused to even glance your way when he arrived and all throughout dinner

he reaches out to rub the shell of your ear between the pad of his thumb and index finger

you rub the side of his thighs. look up at him. press a kiss to his thigh through his slacks

you reach for his belt

glance up at him for permission

all he does is stare at you

“please,” he whimpers, encouraging you to keep going

you unbuckle his belt and pop the button open

pull the zipper down

he pulls his pants down

growing bulge in his boxers

you rise to your feet

hunch over, place one knee beside his thigh

press your lips to his neck as you palm him through his boxers

softly and gently squeezing

feeling it harden under your hand

“fuck,” he whispers

and somewhere

somewhere deep inside

there’s a voice

that shuns you

there’s a tightening in your chest

the tightening in your chest

is guilt.

it’s guilt.

you’re start to feel guilty.

are you using sex to get him to forgive you?

because if that’s not the case

you’d have to confront yourself and the fact that you want to do this because you still love him.

to be continued

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— enjoyed it? you can always show your appreciation by buying me some coffee if you want ☕︎♡

@pamzn @jknoah @ahgasegotarmy116 @jaiuneamesolitaiire @Teddytaee @pnkmyg @yoongallery @agustdswifey @purp13st4r @busanstarkoo @busanboykoo @kookssecret @p34rluv @xumyboo @jojowantstocry @minjenna @codeinebelle @Futuristiclovedreamland @rirushu @taegicity @namgihours @ultminyoongi @swinterr @butterymin @partyparty-yah @bettybloop @secfir @coffeedepressionsoup @keroppitae @manuosorioh @whoa-jo @etaerealboyv @kaiparkerwifes @luvjiminandyoongi @luvbeomkai @petalsofink @paradiseyoongies @gaby-93 @MMFranklin @llallaaa @vickyyy97 @osakis-gf @luna-astro-star @shabbamadapot @rrrapmonste-rr @jjeonjennie @yoongisducky @s3l3n0phil3 @itsmina29 @namjoonsbuspass @hoseokshobagi @laurenrodr @keshiadeija @acquiescence804 @swga-ficrecs @sato-hana02 @honsoolhour @kimseokgen @Imene1609 @joonsmagicshop @yunki-yunki-yunki @ellesalazar

[lyoneve]

I need to scream into the void for a bit. Just get some thoughts and feelings off my chest.

I really fucking miss tumblr, making ofmd fanart, even to some extent following the drama (that's a lie, the drama stressed me the fuck out).

It gave me such a wonderful escape when I was at a place in my life where I really needed it. I've thought a lot about coming back but one big thing that stops me every time is that I lost my biggest supporter last year. Mom got diagnosed with, and died from cancer. All in the span of nine months or so. She was the first person I showed my fanart to every time. She was always so amazed and excited and couldn't wait for me to post it on here. She would send me messages to tell me to check my reblogs and look at the wonderful and funny tags people left me. She would text me before i woke up to tell me how many notes I had got over night.

She's the one that got me into fandom in general when I was 12 or 13 (back then it was the x-files).

I hope some day I feel like I have the time and energy to start making fanart again. Because it gave me so much joy and gave me the inspiration to draw again. I think I'm just afraid that the "bitter" would outway the "sweet" now that she's not here to see it.

(Oh and yeah I watched season 2, but looking back, I was in complete survival mode and I got almost nothing out of watching it. So that sucks. She also watched it but got too sick before she got to watch the season finale. So she never knew that Izzy died, and I don't know if I'm glad or sad that she didn't see it.)

[lunar-years]

How do you think Jamie’s mental health issues present/the effects of his father’s abuse in adulthood especially when being in a relationship with Roy and Keeley.

From what we’ve seen on the show alone I think Jamie is very well adjusted in general and has a bright and amazing future ahead of him in every sense ❤️

Cycling back to how his mental health issues present... we actually got a lot of canonical insight into this and to me it's an unpleasant cocktail of repression, overcompensating/excitable euphoria, shutting down, and depression. His repressive tendencies run pretty deep and it's been easier for him historically to push forward by pushing certain emotions down. When he gets triggered by being constantly around his dad in Manchester, he fucks off to Lust Conquers All. When he's upset in Amsterdam, he's cartwheeling down the streets with a hyper sort of constant energy. he's veryyy "i'm so depressed I act like it's my birthday everyday." Then you have moments like Wembley and the week leading up to Mom City where he freezes and falls into subsequent bouts of depression.

To me, I think quite a bit of those episodes stem from the fact that he's spent so long repressing his trauma that he fully does not realize he has it nor has he spent any time openly confronting it. Jame very much that guy who will drop THE most upsetting personal lore whilst laughing and then not understand why the room has gone silent. He can't remember what happened in Amsterdam. In Mom City he tells Roy he doesn't know he's upset, and when Keeley is listing off all the reasons he might have for not being himself lately, he's so overwhelmed by that because he hadn't even considered those reasons, or more aptly hadn't let himself stare them in the face.

Personally I think therapy helps him a lot and he takes to it like a fish to water. Finally he has someone to help him name the things that have happened to him and then help him process and reckon with those things in a healthy way. I definitely think he would learn to lean on others a lot more and develop new coping strategies to lessen instances like the one that drove him to Lust Conquers All.

That said, I think those first few weeks/months/years would be TOUGH. He's dealing with realities about his own life that he's spent much of the course of that life continually shoving down, and there's a lot of big words and diagnoses being thrown his way that overwhelms him even as it eventually relieves him to know there's a name for it.

It would be particularly difficult for him if that level of reckoning was happening at the same time as other big changes in his life, for instance getting together with Roy and Keeley and all the other anxieties that would come with that, or trying to reconnect with his dad. How long and in what capacity James Tartt Sr. remains in his life has to have an enormous impact on how his trauma related stuff presents, esp. given what we see in the finale. His father is very obviously his most prominent and longest-standing trigger. It's that sort of combination, along with him allowing himself to feel emotions outside of shutting down in the face of triggers, that I think could lead to panic attacks.

As for the royjamiekeeley aspect...they all deal with various mental health issues and are incredibly understanding and supportive ofc. As with all things, they have to find their footing and figure out through trial and error how to best help one another, but once they get it down they are incredibly solid. They help Jamie lessen his exposure to the stuff that triggers him (incl. his dad, in whatever way that works) and know how to best help to bring him down from panic attacks, how to talk to him when he's in various funks (he does the same for them), etc.

So it boils down to: I think future Jamie is on very solid footing but that doesn't mean he never stumbles. He's got a lot of healing left to do but I firmly believe he's up for the task.

[mdhwrites]

What Do I Mean When I Say I Am Disabled By My Depression and Anxiety?

Yesterday my therapist finally 100% agreed with me on a statement I've made so very many times in the past. That my depression and anxiety don't speak. They don't present the worst possibilities, they don't tell me I'm a failure, they don't present reasons for why I shouldn't do something like how many describe depression. No, instead of weighing a choice towards the negative... They give me no choice because they don't speak. They act.

I am a writer. I adore telling stories. When I go for a walk, 90% of the time I spend the entire time listening to music, going over concepts, refining plot points, stuff like that. I can hear the voices of the characters, see the words I want to use to describe what happens, the narrative I wish to tell. This excites me because it's my passion and it's what I love doing. So I'll get home, excited, and this is the process between me and my brain.

Me: Alright, I'm home, let's get to my computer and start typing.

My brain: Begins constricting lungs and adding pressure to head

Me: Okay, I'm sitting, I'm breathing to help cope with this. Let's turn on the music and open the doc because we want to do this.

My brain: Further tightens grip on airways, add stinging to eyes, put pressure on the front of his face

Me: No. I'm doing this. I'm going to write. Here, I'm at the part of the document I'll be writing on. Reviewing the last... Last...

My brain: Add desire to scream, constrict arms so they don't want to move like they should, begin killing ability to think. Head to the void.

Me: ...Okay. I'll... I'll go to bed then. I'm tired anyways. Maybe it will help.

It won't.

Me: And when that's done, I won't type but I'll have an okay day. Find something to lose some time with, maybe make me smile.

I won't. The damage in these two minutes is too severe. If I try to smile in this moment before resting at all, my chest will collapse and try to make me not able to breathe even harder.

Me: I just... It was the wrong day I guess.

And if you're going "Oh, that's only on the worst days," No. In fact, my worse days are easier because when I wake up and my anxiety is already simmering, or my depression makes me tired, I don't even try. However, this morning, I was feeling good. I put on my music and my brain tempted me towards walking even which I took as a potentially good sign. It was a warning. I wanted to write though. I opened the doc...

And have not been able to leave my apartment since. That was at seven in the morning. It is a bit past two as I write this. I have an in person psychiatry appointment technically in forty minutes. I spent until one desperately trying to normalize. That appointment is now on Zoom.

This is why I'm disabled. It's not that things are just harder. It's that I will try to do laundry and I have two options. I can either listen to my brain and stop immediately when it hisses and have a bit of panic for a little bit but otherwise an okay day. Or, I can try for five minutes, STILL not do my laundry, and be fucked for at bare minimum an entire day. Either way I lose, just one way I don't suffer. The only reason I use my writing as the more common example is because by all means, by every conceivable metric, I should be slamming out chapter after chapter, book after book with all the ideas I have and the passion I have for this craft, but I have no finished a long running story in over two years because I have no control over when I can or can't write. My passion, joy and creativity don't matter. Only whether or not the storm in my brain will abate for long enough for it to be made.

And so I sit, waiting as close to the eye of the storm as possible, praying for a glimpse of daylight so I may move again without being hurt. See you next tale.

======+++++======

Btw, just because I imagine some might care: I am not self diagnosing here. I have been considered to be disabled since September 2018 and was officially given disability by the US Government for my anxiety and depression in November 2019. This was two years after I had psychiatrist tell me not to bother trying because no one gets on disability for depression because he thought I was faking it and just wanting an easy way out. Life has not been kind to me.

Special shoutout before the rest of mine: The last book I finished was actually inspired by and using my experiences with depression and anxiety and the shockingly only time I've been in a Crises Recovery Center. It's also is a sappy, teen romance between two girls who meet in Crises and need help. Is love really the answer they're looking for though?

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Hey kiko!

First off, i saw the stardew valley stream right before going to office (twas my mom's birthday the day you streamed and an ungodly hour where I'm at) and i was in such a good mood🥹🤌🏽💖 gojo is adorable, I cannot.

Second, I was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism and adhd (not a surprise, figured i was ✨ neurospicy✨ since i figured what it meant) and I was wondering... Gojo is neurospicy for sure, it's canon. But the way you write him, it's even more so. So out of curiosity, how would Goinko react to finding out their kids might be neurodivergent? And would that lead to satoru getting his own diagnosis?

HELLO!! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO YOUR MOM!!

Thank you for your message and question!!! 😊

Gojo in Stardew is so fucking cute that it makes me wanna die. My Kiko playthrough is already in year 2 and they’re living their best life (though, I did discover SVE Lance, recently, and all I’m sayin is that if Satoru didn’t already have my heart, Lance would be the first contender that’s actually piqued my interest).

I FUCKING GAVE YOU A HELLA LONG RANT SO THE REST IS BELOW THE CUT

WELCOME TO THE NEUROSPICY (I love this and I’m stealing it) COMMUNITY. We don’t have t-shirts yet because we got distracted before we could finalize the design and then all of our inspiration left and now we just cringe in self-hatred whenever we think about another project that’s half-finished… 🙃

I will die on the hill that canon Gojo is one of the most autistic coded characters I’ve seen in my entire life. There’s literally no valid argument against him being a member of our wonderful neurospicy community.

As I’ve mentioned before, I am also very fucking autistic and adhd. I wasn’t diagnosed with adhd until a few years ago, and I didn’t find out about my autism until last year 🫠🫠 the journey to that discovery was a wild one… To give context for how extreme my adhd is, I’ve gotten distracted mid sentence for this reply a total of three times already and went on my own tangents of making random notes and literally forgetting about this for ten minutes while I started googling things and then I looked down at my phone and realized I’d completely forgotten that I was TYPING THIS REPLY 😭

ANYWAY. YOU ASKED A GOINKO QUESTION AND I WOULD LOVE TO ANSWER IT.

How would Goinko react to finding out their kids might be neurodivergent? And would that lead to Satoru getting his diagnosis?

I LOVE THIS QUESTION. I LOVE IT. WITH MY WHOLE HEART.

I’m assuming we’re talking about Physical Paradox Goinko because you sent this not long after I posted begging for questions about them and their kids!

For those who don’t know, neurodivergence (adhd, autism, ocd, etc.) tends to be hereditary, which essentially means that neurodivergent parents have a high chance of having neurodivergent kids.

I’ve specifically written Physical Paradox Gojo with the idea in mind that he’s got a variety of neurodivergencies (Rai’s fun facts about brains have helped a ton and I always love hearing them! Rai, this is me telling you I wanna know more fun facts when you have the time). I’ve talked before about how he’s absolutely got adhd, whether hyperactive or not remains to be seen in the story, but I’ve been nailing a few things down lately so I’m excited to explore that more…

BUT THATS NOT THE POINT OF THIS REPLY. FUCKING FOCUS, KIKO.

I’m gonna answer these backwards because Gojo will get his diagnosis before they have kids. Because Rinko is studying cognitive and behavioral psychology, as of Summer Nights, she’s already noticed a few ticks and signs that Gojo has something. But she’s avoided saying anything for multiple reasons. (she’s still only a student, she doesn’t want to overstep in case he already knows and doesn’t want to talk about it, and she doesn’t want to offend him if he doesn’t know and doesn’t receive that kind of information well.) She literally had the thought in Summer Nights that it wasn’t like she could give him a diagnosis.

At some point in their relationship, she’s going to realize that he has no fucking clue and she’s going to say something. I haven’t decided if she does this before or after they start dating, but my main point is that by the time they’re talking kids, they’re gonna know they’ll have some neurospicy in them.

As for how they’ll react? They’ll love them no matter what and do everything they can to support them. They’ll struggle and have their bad days but they’ll figure things out and do their best to be there for them.

I imagine Eiji will be a lot like Satoru. I see him being loud and excitable as a young child and becoming more reserved and closed off as he gets older, which is how Satoru was.

I don’t know if I’ll explicitly include it anywhere in the series, but Satoru was loud and outgoing and friendly as a kid. As he got older, he struggled to connect with people because they couldn’t keep up with how chaotic he could be or they showed no interest in what he was passionate about. We’re sprinkling some rejection sensitivity that’s manifested as “fuck you, I don’t care about your shit, either then.” He keeps things surface level with most people because it’s not worth the time and energy just to be rejected or misunderstood. Obviously he’s different with Rinko, but that’s mainly because she’s shown that she can keep up with his ranting and there’s a part of his brain that desperately wants her to know he isn’t a shitty person and he doesn’t realize it’s because he’s pretty much already in love with her 😂😂😂 but really, Rinko can keep up with him and she meets his sarcasm with her own instead of brushing him off.

IM FORCING MYSELF TO STOP HERE OR ILL GO ON FOREVER. DID I ACTUALLY ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?? I HOPE I DID 😭😭

I hope you have a wonderful day or night!! 💕💕

[boobblog]

I've had a couple of really good days. I got my drains out finally and can do people things again, like bend and twist, and breathe. The pain is still there from the mastectomy, but that's is manageable. I've been trying to explain it to Luke, because it literally takes my breath away. It's like millions of electrical fires snapping all across my chest. It's especially bad after I've done literally anything.

I vacuumed the other day, (don't worry, the vacuum is light) and wanted to die. I was so out of breath and sweating, it made me realize that although I still look "good," I have such a long road ahead of me. I'm not really excited about it. In fact, if I think about it for too long I get mad all over again.

In the next 2 weeks I have a chemo class, pre op testing at the hospital, dr. appts with my gynecologist and plastic surgeon, my port placement surgery then 2 days later my total hysterectomy. I feel like I've been run over and then eaten and spit out already. I'm so grateful that everything is moving quickly, and it's all because I've pushed for it to happen this way. Remember that unhealthy sense of urgency I mentioned, well these are the results.

I was diagnosed in September. It is the beginning of December now and all I will have to do next year is chemo. After that it's port removal and reconstructive surgery. But the cancer treatment will be coming to an end.

That's the hope anyway. I got my pathology results from the mastectomy. All clear margins, and she even said I'm cancer free. It was such an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. The thing living and growing inside my body, attacking me and making me sick is out. I was overcome with emotion. I wasn't expecting to hear that. If I'm cancer free then why am I still doing ALLLLLLLL these things? I know the answer to that, but telling someone they are cancer free and then telling them to celebrate feels insulting when they can barely make it up the stairs in the hospital parking garage.

My breast surgeon followed up her statement about me celebrating with, "oh, it says here that your right breast had a cluster of cancer cells as well, it's a good thing we took them both!"

Hold the fuck on! I've had 79575675035 imaging tests ran, some of them were even repeated, how was this missed? Why was it not sent for mammoprint testing? How do we KNOW that it's the same as the boob bandit in the left breast? Did we get clear margins on it?

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS CHANGE?

The answer is, I don't know, and they don't seem worried about it, so the only choice I have is to trust them. I do. But, now, theres a tiny voice in the back of my mind telling me that this has to change something. The one thing I keep thinking is that because my cancer is so aggressive and walking around like it's got an invisibility cloak, it will come back, somewhere else. Just because I'm having a hysterectomy and will be on hormone blockers for 5 years, doesn't eliminate the other areas in my body producing the hormones that caused my cancer.

I should have gone to medical school, damnit.

I am consumed with all the horrific prognoses I've gotten. Arthritis, menopause, weak bones, blah blah blah.... In my mind, I'm still young and fun. In reality, my body is not able to keep up.

Sometimes I dream about when I was still dancing. How I was so in tune with my body that I could do all the things with my eyes closed. In my dreams, my body is still mine. It doesn't feel like that anymore.

I feels like I lost something, something I never knew how to keep, or that it could even be taken from me.

I think I'm just unsettled. My soul is tired, if that makes sense. I spend the majority of my time, hiding how I truly feel. My boy is in online school and home with us, so he sees everything, and apparently I'm an excellent actress, because this fool was just going about life like I have my shit together enough to handle his foolishness and teenager tendencies.

I lost my shit with him. To be fair, I tried having a feeling circle. You know, like in The New Girl. I even had a feeling stick, which was a ruler I found. But I started the feeling circle and I guess my feelings were still too strong to try and have a calm discussion about priorities and helping mom out more. I lost it. I wasn't yelling. We don't yell in our home.

But, I was saying, "I have cancer....", I just kept saying that, it's like I was caught up in a hamster wheel, just repeating it. Partly because I needed him to realize how serious this shit is, but mostly because saying it out loud to my son, made it sink in.

Still, today, it doesn't feel real. Also, why in the hell is it NOW that my hair is the healthiest it's ever been? That's pretty shitty Gods. But whatever. I'm alive, right. That's what everyone says anyway. It just doesn't feel like I'm living.

I have been reading though. Alot. It makes me want to write fiction books. I am able to lose myself in these stories. The room around me fades away and it's like I'm in the room with the characters, watching as everything happens in front me. It's such a personal and special experience. And because of the type of books I'm reading, sometimes it's kind of SPICY....(that last part MUST be read in Stefan's voice from SNL).

But did you know, not everyone is able to have images in their minds like that? Luke cannot imagine moving images in his head, and has a hard time visualizing things based on a description. It has something to do with our brains. However, he says when I write, he can. Maybe he is just being nice, but maybe I write things in a different way, a way that other neurodivergents can participate in. That's a fun thing to think about.

Maybe I can try that out here too. Chemo starts 1/14. I'll have 4 rounds 3 weeks apart that last 4 hours each time. That'll give me soooo much time to write. Maybe.

I haven't done much soul searching lately. It's been nice to turn my brain off. After our family meeting, Killian got his shit together and is back to being the best human on the planet, so I've just been allowing myself to feel safe and peaceful, for the time being. So, no big revelations this time. For the moment, I'm enjoying not crying.

[roenters]

Full on walked into my local book shop today cause it's closing down, worked up the courage to ask if they had The Outsiders cause I don't have a copy. Got into a huge chat with the guy that owns the shop cause he wanted to know why young people - he said not to generalise me as all young people which was funny but yo anyway - liked the book and I was like well I just really liked the characters and I cried when they all fucking...well..yknow and you could understand why everyone did what they did and the whole social commentary thing and turned out he'd read it like five times and he was a mental health professional originally and that the author based the lad in the book on one of her mates that had autism but it wasnt diagnosed cause there wasn't a label for it back then and that's why the lad in the book was so dead set on telling the truth and shit like that and I was like you whatttt. Very interesting. Then my mate came over and we started going on about ADHD and Autism and misdiagnosis and overlaps and all this shit and then he was talking about derogatory terms and mentioned like schizophrenia and then my mate was like oh yeh and a lot of people mix that up with DID when it's a completey different thing and obviously my ass just full on went 'Fight Club reference'. So then we got onto that. While still talking about mental health. And then I brought up Primal Fear cause yk...connections?? And this guy said he'd watched the film and I'm like heck yeh and I'm like oh yeh I'm getting the books for Christmas (confirmed. So excited) and then we got back on the autism shit and we were talking about it in the media and cause obviously not every person with DID is a serial killer......or pretending to have DID so we were on about like the stereotypes that can be sparked like every autistic person is like mystically intelligent and I was like oh yeh like in Rain Man when he was gambling and can just do it all- and he finally was like 'wow. You watch a lot of old films.' and I'm like...fucking...now I do lmfaoooo- but yeh and then he was on about the matchstick scene and saying about how obviously not all autistic people can do that and stuff but some can and how just yk talented it is and interesting how different people's brains work.

My mate also was trying to market The Magnus Archives throughout the convo the whole time and I'm like. Bro. That's not a book. Or a film. 💀💀

[paradoxinabottle]

(Just wanted to ramble about my pc for a while)

After 7 years of occasionally inadequate yet loyal service, my PC will be finally retiring in about a week.

My dad bought it for me in 2017, it was used and incredibly cheap. I wasn't very knowledgable about pc specs at the time, but i had some surface knowledge, like RAM, GPU, CPU and stuff like that.

From the vague specs that my dad told me, it had 4GBs of ram, a 1GB gpu, and DUAL PROCESSORS. I asked him how can a pc have 2 processors, he just said "so it can work 24/7". For its price, i wouldn't really say he got scammed, but he sure as hell didn't get what was advertised to him.

When i finally got my hands on the pc, i was so incredibly excited! I checked out the specs to see what was inside this thing...

It had... 2 xeon 5140's? Never heard of that before. 4GBs of ram, and a... radeon HD 3400? Doesn't ring any bells.

I installed just cause 2 on it, and the intro sequence ran at a fabulous, hollywood cinematic 4 fps. Lowest settings by the way.

I was devastated. I thought i would have something much, MUCH better than this. But i wasn't smart, nor old enough to influence my dad's decision.

Despite that, i kept using it! I played the lowest end games on it, such as half life 2, NFS carbon, a few old COD games, it was running fine... until it suddenly died.

I wasn't running anything at the time, it was completely idle and just fainted. I pressed the power button and it didn't turn on. I did it again and again, until it made a sound that i still vividly remember...

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

4 beeps, i looked online for the meaning of this, and found a bunch of beep codes for my specific case. 4 beeps meant power failure. I suspected the problem was the power supply. I was incredibly sad and anxious.

A few months passed, then my dad finally decided to get it fixed. After a fucking century, it was fixed, albeit with one of its hard drives dead. I had so many games on that drive, i was incredibly sad that it died.

The next day, i booted it up and it GUESS WHAT.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.

6 beeps, this is the code for "graphics error" was something wrong with the gpu?

After a few Presses of The Power Button, it actually booted! It was incredibly annoying to start it up, but it did boot eventually. One time, my dad wanted to get the dead hard drive working, so he tried to boot up the pc, but of it kept beeping at him. That was when he did something, in hindsight incredibly fucking stupid, but an act of desperation at present. He pushed and wiggled the GPU into the PCI slot, and for some god forsaken reason it booted up.

This deathly move became the de facto way to start the pc for the next 3 months. Then one day it broke again. I pressed the power button a few times and after the last press, the gpu literally caught on fire.

That card is officially dead. Dad took the pc to a nearby store to get a new graphics card. That was when i finally got an incredible upgrade!!!

A geforce 210

It was better than my old card, but man. People meme about the gt 710 saying its the worst card ever made, and here i am, literally DREAMING of having one.

After a while, the cooling fan on the card decided to pass away peacefully and delegate its appointment in hell to the GPU. The card constantly overheated until it hit max temps and crashed the whole pc.

To diagnose the problem, i borrowed my uncle's graphics card and it worked perfectly! Finally i decided to get a new graphics card. For really really cheap, i managed to find a Quadro k600. It was much, MUCH better than the god awful 210, and even a tiny bit better than the gt 710!

I'm still actually using this card. So far, its been incredibly reliable for the stuff i put it through.

I decided to get an SSD for this pc, and its still the best upgrade i could ever ask for. I finally dont have 100% disk usage all the time!

For the next few years, this guy has been quite reliable. In the last few months tho, its been having new problems every day, and i have to defibrillate it whenever something bad happens.

Very soon, i will finally be getting a new PC for college. I wont get into detail about the new PC because i'm not sure what ill get yet, but it will be something along the lines of GTX 1660 ti. Until then, this pc will serve its last week.

This pc went through a power supply change, 3 graphics cards (4 counting my uncle's) many BEEP BEEP BEEPs, a small fire, and many things way over its paygrade.

Thank you for your wonderful service, xw6400.

[banjjakz]

WAHHH IM SO EXCITED FOR UR TAKE ON SATORU IN FINAL GIRL !!! while I've eaten up fics where he is positively characterized and I personally (partially) choose the see Good in him, I am always on board for a "there's no way you act out of the kindness in your heart" discussion when it comes to him. Not to get too Canon Plotline in your ask box but I think no sorcerer is a good person - they've all got dubious morals and ideals at best. He's no exception at all (something something if Geto had agreed to killing off the Star Vessel Cult or whatever its name was Satoru would have obligued) and I love it being brought up in fanfiction Sooo much! The psychologic exploration aspect of it all is so appealing...

"there's no way you act out of the kindness of your heart" what an incredibly succinct way to sum up the conundrum of Fandom Sweetheart, Gojo Satoru

it's interesting that you bring up the morality of sorcerers... personally, i feel that it's a nuanced issue. for the ones who stumble into it, like nobara and yuuji, it may definitely be possible to begin with good intentions. they aren't yet jaded by the internal politics of the jujutsu world, and they wouldn't have been tainted by either the bitterness of low birth or the aristocratic privilege that comes along with noble/high birth... but, of course, the quintessential part of the job of any jujutsu sorcerer is to spend nearly every second of your day focusing on, honing, surrounding yourself with, and studying negative human emotions. this is enough to drive anyone far away from their initial purity (see: the Geto Suguru Incident)

if you throw into the mix gojo's unique standing as "The Strongest" both by virtue of his noble birth as well as his extremely rare CT combination... yeah i'm sorry but he is not a "good" person (whatever that meanskddksjnfdndf)

and like we've seen that. at risk of dissing the Fandom Sweetheart i truly think that gojo has been fucked from like at least pre-adolescence. his perception of self? skewed. his same-age peer interpersonal skills? stunted. his love life? nonexistent. family relationship? rocky at best. that's at least like three different diagnoses in the dsm 5 right there

[trashboatprince]

Today, the fourteenth, marks this being the 20th anniversary of me going into a coma because of pancreatitis and DKA, resulting in me being diagnosed as a type-one diabetic at 11 years old.

It was a fucking scary experience, to going months without really knowing why I was always so tired, so thirsty and hungry and yet never gaining a pound even after everything I consumed, to my vision getting bad, and then suddenly... I'm experiencing the most horrible pain I've ever felt in my whole life after going to bed with a weird stomach cramp.

The pain was so bad that while an on-post clinic was trying to get me prepped to be taken to a German children's hospital (this was when my family was stationed in Germany), I closed my eyes and then... I didn't wake up again. I still remember looking at my mom and telling her that I was excited to be getting ice chips as they started to put me in the ambulance and then I remember nothing until waking up in pain and completely blind before passing out after screaming, and then suddenly I'm in a hospital.

Also, I fucking died.

I had a very short cardiac death, but still, I was technically dead for a moment due to the pancreatitis. Found this out moments after finally coming out of the coma, what a thing to tell a very confused child.

Anyway, I'm still alive, obviously, been dealing with this shit for more than half my life, and have had DKA a few times but pancreatitis only one other time (in 2014 and that resulted in organ damage, fun).

I dunno why I made this post, but it's the middle of the night, and I sorta just... thought about all of this and wanted to vent a little. Thought about how it was one of the big things that made 2003 the worst year of my life and one of the worst for my mom. She nearly lost her child the same year her mom died, so holy fuck.

I'm fine, I've learned to deal with this pretty quickly as a kid. Do I miss not having to constantly monitor my blood and using needles (which I'm still scared of, I don't like when I hit nerves or go too deep into the muscle), do I miss being able to eat whatever I want? Of course, but I'm fine, I'm dealing with it.

[the-lornacorn]

So, my job finishes in eight days and despite being sad, scared and kinda terrified about it I'm not angry. Can't really be angry when the fixed term maternity job finishes because the person who's rights as a new parent are being protected wants their job back.

I failed a job interview, pretty good one too. Youth work, remote and work from home, with trans and gender questioning kids. I had just started and was finding the comfortable spot on some new meds, namely medical cannabis, and I kinda fucked the interview. I spoke gibberish, listened to my mouth say things that I knew weren't the right answers while screaming inside and afterwards got the feedback that folks hoped I "got the support I needed". So I kinda, respected that my brain is actively falling apart and I'm going to be doing some as and when work into September with the same job. Otherwise I'm going to take time, get my health and mental health in order and managed correctly and then consider moving towards working again.

Thing is, I've been waiting to get certain things investigated and diagnosed until after the NHS got me my government funded bottom surgery because my Autism alone would cause the ablist folks at the GICs to start questioning if I have the capacity to decide things about my body. As such, if I don't get bottom surgery within the next year (it should happen, in theory) I can't properly tackle my mental health. The Hello Kitty plaster pack of free counselling options local to me is running out and they weren't doing masses for me sadly. I'm a bit worried about my mental health over the next few months as I adjust to not being in paid employment.

AS SUCH! I have a plan. I can't really manage self-worth if I'm not helping people, so, I'm going to immediately engage in a few different occupations to keep me going.

1. I'm gonna finally actually help out at that LGBTQIA+ youth group that I keep meaning to help at but I'm too tired to do so.

2. I'm gonna D&D plan too hard, like, legitimately way too hard.

3. Once the as and when work finishes I'm gonna start up a little community support thing.

So the community support thing is basically just gonna be me asking folks who are somewhat near to me if they need any odd jobs doing. Shelves putting up, lawns mowing, shopping grabbed and brought in to them for example. Then providing that support for free, just straight up. Obviously, I'll want them to provide the money for the shopping, the materials for the shelves and stuff like that but the labour will be completely free.

I think it's what I would do if I lived in the moneyless world I wish I was in, just going around and helping people.

So, that's my first post on here, excited to use a new medium to document my thoughts. I'll probably also share D&D stuff here like my homebrew world and maybe session stories. I'm definitely gonna share my art as well, it's pretty mid stuff but it's fun for me.

[yoiku]

Looks like I really have my pondering cap on today so i'm just gonna ramble some more

Since i got diagnosed with AuDHD a few years back, it's been really interesting thinking back on so many different things and having a new angle to examine it all from. There's been stuff that i could even say has felt cathartic in the sense of being able to be kinder to myself about some things after over 30 years of causing myself needless suffering. But also a lot of stuff that I have realised I really need to improve on and either haven't understood or even noticed before. Now that I'm learning about the toolset I've been setup with and have a better understanding of how to operate, maybe the improvement is finally possible. I've always really struggled with asking for help mostly because I was raised to be independent through both useful(actual skills) and harmful(mindset&left on my own way too much) means. The whole "don't ask other people to solve your problems/don't bother people with something that doesn't involve them" mantra i got repeated at as a kid, over time evolved into feeling really proud of being so independent. Nothing wrong with that in itself I think, but at some point it starts to be harmful. It can make you become distant while it feels more like selflessness, esp when you're always ready to offer help but never accept any. And somewhere in the back of your mind there's a bit of that "I'm better because I don't need to ask for help" -attitude brewing as well. All the while I could've seriously used some help on a good variety of things. But no, I felt like I had to figure it out on my own even if it was something that you actually need at least another pair of hands for. Now it feels a bit easier because I feel like I can start with "hey i kinda struggle with these things in general so I could use some assistance" or just straight up say that "uhhh sorry but i didn't understand that" instead of pretending that I did out of shame for not knowing everything i'm ever talked to about. Still difficult things to shake off often because its what i've done most of my life. I also still really struggle with being helped/instructed when I've not asked for any of it, I can get really annoyed really fast with that. I feel like I need to fucking go for a full meditation mode for a while to remind myself time and time again that people are usually just trying to be genuinely helpful because they want to. Funny how I remember that while i'm doing the same myself, but when it's being aimed at me, suddenly it's all upside down, huh. Stuff like this I've really started to see way better after i got diagnosed. Knowing that the wrinkly blob residing in my bone-dome is actually wired differently really allowed me to have a new perspective on stuff. It isn't a free ticket to be an ass or ignorant etc. But if you don't know how it can effect you, it's not surprising if you struggle so much more in so many ways and end up needlessly suffering. So when you become(sometimes painfully) aware of these things you understand your own and sometimes the behaviours of others better. Doesn't happen overnight for sure though. (The depression I've had accumulating since my teens definitely has had a negative effect on a lot of these things too making everything even more difficult.) Then there are the fun little things that suddenly start to make a lot more sense, like being told all of these things repeatedly: - You always seem disinterested in everything/ you're not at all excitable - You sound bored / monotone - You're always pouting / you always look uninviting / you should try smiling sometime ^u^ - You're so quiet / you never seem to have anything to say - You daydream/ space out too much - Stop bouncing your leg, tapping things, fiddling, biting/chewing things - Stop making weird noises - You do [thing] in such overly complicated/weird way - You forget so much stuff but remember the weirdest details about anything

Forever annoyed about people telling me how I look the way I do though, because bitch that's literally just how my face is. The corners of my mouth have never really curved upwards so matter how big of a smile i'm pulling. My neutral face really just looks like :( and when i'm smiling it's more like :I Maybe try looking for the smile in my eyes sometime. And hey, getting older is making everything sag and droop even more, so i'll keep getting more and more pouty with time! I'll become the most pissed off looking fossil there ever was.

[hazel2468]

Ok I gotta bitch about something real quick here.

So, good news first- got a diagnosis. PCOS. I had a feeling (and several of my friend are now correct), but it's good to have a solid "Yeah, this is what's going on here".

But anyway. Kvetch time.

So, my endo is pretty great. She offered to hook me up with their gender specialist, so I might be getting the ball rolling on that soon, which is exciting and terrifying. But we had a call and went over everything. More good news- my levels look great. Everything is normal and my thyroid levels are, quote, "beautiful". But we started talking about PCOS, talked a little bit about HRT. And then she brought up diet stuff, which I imagine is standard.

But what annoyed me was that she was talking about how to adjust what I eat because of "health risks". And so I asked her to clarify for me- is there anything in my labs of concern? And she said no- everything looks fine and dandy. I asked if there is any indication that I should be making any kind of serious changes based on my labs. Again, no. Everything looks good.

So... The only "issue" there is my weight.

My levels are good. I've been in a bit of an experimental "what can I eat that won't upset the void where my gallbladder used to be?" phase, but overall I've been eating the same as I have for years. I did tell her I wanted to work out more and, now that I'm fucking finally fixing my sleep schedule I might actually be able to make time to lift in the mornings.

But what annoyed me was that all of that stuff- good stuff- eating in a way that doesn't upset my intestines, working out more because fuck it I wanna be a strong theydy, the fact that my labs are not only normal but look great... All of it just falls before the fact that I am fat. All of it.

And to be clear, I'm not pissed at my doctor, specifically. I'm pissed because all of it seems so standard. It's the "this is the PCOS spiel" kind of thing- the general stuff that you say. And the annoying thing is that, apparently (and I was already well aware of this but it always sucks to be reminded), it doesn't actually matter what my habits are, what I eat, if I work out or not, how my labs look, at least in the eyes of the general medical standards.

No, what matters is that I am fat, and therefore I am unhealthy and need to change everything- even though literally everything else speaks to the contrary.

And what's even MORE annoying is that... I have PCOS. I have hypothyroid. Those are BOTH conditions that cause weight gain. Those are both conditions that make losing weight even harder than it already fucking is for most people.

So the fact that the medical standards for diagnosing someone with PCOS involve looking at their BMI and determining that they need to change their whole lifestyle solely based on how they look- not on their actual habits, not on their ACTUAL LAB RESULTS, but their weight?

IDK that just annoys me. It pisses me off. It put a damper on the whole "You have an answer finally AND also you're doing really well health wise.... OH but you're fat and so we need to lecture you about your diet and exercise and imply that the reason you should do those things is to lose weight."

[neurosky]

Sorry for making such negative posts recently, but it's just one of those times where I hate being sick.

It wasn't supposed to end up like this. I always imagined I'd be moved out of my parents house and finally (mostly) happy by the time I was 18. "Mostly happy" because even when I was a kid, I knew mental illness wasn't just gonna disappear. I knew I'd be sick in some way forever, I just thought it'd be in the background by now. 17 and 18 have always been my lucky numbers, so I was excited to be those ages. In a way, they did turn out to be lucky. I got diagnosed, got on treatment, and I'm happier than I've ever been. "Happier than I've ever been" isnt saying a lot, though.

I don't know if anyone will read this (no pressure, that's a genuine statement), but I gotta admit, I haven't been doing well. For a long time now. My mental health is down the fucking drain, but it's somehow okay at the same time. Like I said, better than ever. Yet somehow, still bad. The bar was very low, to be fair.

I'm just kinda ranting now. Idk. I'm starting immunotherapy soon and as much as I'm glad to be getting the right kind of help, I don't want another needle in my arm. I've had too many, yet not enough.

Someday, I'll be in remission, or at least be well enough for this to be in the background. Someday I'll wake up and feel good, and know it's there to last. Someday I'll celebrate with my friends and family and I'll be able to eat the cake without thoughts rushing through my head. Someday I'll walk up stairs without my legs hurting and my heart racing. Someday I'll forget the layout of the clinic. Someday I'll forget what getting blood taken feels like. Someday I'll be caught off guard by how cold the stethoscope is because I haven't felt it in so long.

That day just isn't today. But someday.