#and I'm like really struggling with feelings of guilt because I'm honestly a little glad she's dear

[variantoutcast]

Not sure how to insert a read more on mobile so this post about my personal experiences with transphobia and ableisn will be in the tags only 👍

[cfr749]

I love your 6x04 spec about Lucy's camera being broken and her being investigated! You should totally write a fic about that if you're inspired ✨️

hi anon - thanks for the ask!

So @literali1110 pointed out to me that there were footage from Lucy's camera after the fall, so doesn't look like this is the route they'll go 😂

I do keep circling back on how hesitant Angela and Nyla looked when Lucy made her suggestion, and it makes me wonder if they may end up questioning whether protocol was followed or something instead? Or maybe Lucy will simply struggle with her own feelings of guilt around ending up in that situation because she was trying to prove herself?

I am glad that there's not really any ambiguity about whether she had to take the shot and whether the guy was 100% guilty, because I think it would destroy Lucy if those things were in question.

I'm definitely feeling some angsty inspiration from Lucy's struggle this season; jury's still out on whether it ever becomes anything more than random sentences in my notes app.

Regardless, I'm gonna hijack this ask to ramble a little bit on why I'm actually okay with the choices they've made and the story they are telling for Lucy this season so far. Like a lot of people, I hate seeing Lucy going through a hard time and of course I want to see her be supported. Give me the scene with Tim in the hospital a million times over; I'll never get tired of seeing that she is valued and loved by the people in her life. We honestly haven't gotten enough of that for literal years.

We've seen Lucy go through so much. But in five+ seasons, we've barely seen Lucy be anything other than her sunshine-y self for more than a handful of scenes. Even more so in the last few seasons. It is beyond time the writers take the time to give her character more depth and emotional range. It is beyond time they turn her back into a character that is deeply empathetic and relatable to the audience.

It has sucked seeing more and more commentary on social media the last few seasons about Lucy being childish, silly, unprofessional, and even manipulative 😭. And I think that's a direct result of the lack of care and intention the writers have put into writing her character since she graduated the FTO program. She's been used as little more than comic relief and a plot device outside of the ship for way too long.

Gif Credit @livelovecaliforniadreams

While other characters have progressed professionally, Lucy has remained mostly stagnant since she graduated the FTO program, beyond a few UC missions that all pretty much ended the same way without doing anything progressive for her character (why didn't we see her struggle with the ethics of UC work when it came to using Aaron's puppy? why haven't they helped us understand how she reconciles her love for UC work to her empathetic nature and the reason she became a cop?).

I think of Lucy's journey in comparison to Tim's -- we've seen him go through awful things. We've seen him suffer. We've seen him struggle. We've seen him evolve and grow.

With Lucy, we've mostly just seen her go through awful things and move on as if nothing has changed. We all have our head canons, I think, about grief and coping and what's going on under the surface, but we don't actually know what she's feeling 99% of the time.

Do I wish they would have taken the opportunity to explore the impact on her character in the aftermath of DOD or after Jackson died? Of course I do. I would have preferred that to having to see her struggle professionally in the shadow of Nolan getting handed success for simply existing. (And if I thought they intended the juxtaposition, I'd give them credit for telling a realistic story, but I seriously doubt it 😂).

But I'm still glad they are taking the time to tell a story for her now. And I'm glad they seem to be doing it with intention.

And this was not at all what you asked about, but here you go anyway, anon 😜🥰

Thanks for the ask!

[kittycatherder]

Ruminations about femboys (not in a fun way though) cw for slurs/words with a lot of baggage to them

I'm reminded of a conversation earlier where I brought up how I saw the main character from Lies of P (the P-man himself) and like immediately saw people making pinup art of him calling him a femboy and like how funny I found that.

To say more about it like P-man (I have yet to play the game so I'll just keep calling him that) is very pretty and dare I say a classic example of a pretty boy/bishounen but he doesn't even dress effeminately and just looks pretty victorian era combat twink with how he fights.

Like for a while I struggled to like think about why this bugged me like at all. Like I'm so down for people to sexual characters and have fun with it but I think it's partially that people like feel like they*have* to force characters they like into predetermined little boxes to really enjoy them instead of like just appreciating a twink and it doesn't help that the art I saw also gave P-man like "has been on hrt for half a year/a few months breast growth"

Like to clarify; I'm also down for any and everyone who wants to get into hrt to do so. Shit; that should be avaible over the counter for fucking free to whoever wants it and knows what all it can do. However people being horny about like femboys with either low dosage/ early in transition doesn't exist in a vacuum and I feel like it's something a lot of people either forgot or honestly maybe never heard about in the first place so let's get into it.

from what I've seen most people who call themselves femboys/into femboys are cool and I'm glad it can help them on their gender journey... However! Ever notice how like Bridget keeps trending on twitter every once in a while despite being canonically a trans girl like years ago??? There's a good reason that. Like femboys as a concept unfortunately came forth from Trap porn/models especially on 4chan.

Making a new paragraph because oh boy this is some mental gymastics: Back in the day (and still now unfortunately) there were cishet guys who had the hots for some trans women (even if it's a fictional and exaggerated representations of them like futanari smut and the such). That said they believed that it's gay to be attracted to trans women and instead of fighting against that learned and deeply ingrained shame and guilt they double downed on it without truly giving up their attraction in the funkiest way possible. You see, dear reader, imagine you were some 4channer cishet guy some like 10 or maybe even 20 or so years ago (I forgot when trap porn got really popular on 4chan but somewhere between those years sound right). You think that a pretty women with a penis could be really hot but that's gay (negative) right? BUT!! What if there was a boy that was just So incredibly pretty and feminine that he even looks like a [cis] girl that if he revealed that he was a guy that you'd be so caught up in the moment that it's somehow less gay to be into him and bone him then just any trans women!! This is like one of the core fantasies of trap porn and I would now since I was lurking on 4chan as a teen and saw quite a large bit of it!!!

Especially sharp readers may have also noticed that this is basically a sexualized version of the trans/gay panic defense except of murdering some poor trans woman after learning she was trans you just have to fuck her though. I'm not gonna go into the whole history of like the trans/gay panic defense but the wiki article is a good enough starting off point and like content warnings for transphobic and homophobic murders like jesus fucking christ. It's awful which leads to how trap porn/trap kink/whatever changed it's name to femboy almost universally after a point.

There was mountains of pushback especially from various people but (not surprisingly) from my perspective a lot of transfems had issues with "Traps" for several reasons including the whole "this is just the trans panic but horny" and still fetishing trans women but in a weirdly indirect way. Like even back in the day of the like early 2010s I saw trap art/comics/doujins/etc that had "traps" have kinda wide hips, some small but almost budding breasts (like they've been on estrogen for months) and really thick thighs and fat asses (like they have had the fat redistribution of mtf hrt).

To go on a tangent for a sec; I bet there are people into femboys from back then who realized they might be bi or gay but there's a large number of them who are still straight and it'd be the easy route to just joke that they haven't realized they are bi yet but! A large part of current principles and understanding of gender and sexuality is self determined. That also includes cis and/or het people. Why would mostly cishet men who were into traps/femboys be so obsessed with them and still call themselves straight then???

It wasn't hard to see that a number of these guys into traps were looking at porn that both depicted idealized transfem bodies that combined both masculine and feminine traits in ways they found attractive but in a way to never acknowledge that trans people but especially trans women exist in the real world. Like back in the day you'd never see any trap art or trap models on 4chan or other sites that would dare utter the words hrt and that feels absolutely on purpose.

.... OH YEAH speaking of hrt! It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone but yeah there are absolutely people who enjoyed trap art and/or who were models who later on realized they were transfem in some way. For everything that sucks with it's inception it was probably the first exposure that some people had to crossdressing/experimenting with their gender or that like a Boy(tm) could ever dress or act in feminine manner. Like now that people stopped calling it trap porn and moved away from a lot of the main fantasy scenarios of it's inception it's easy to see why femboy art/models have been influential to some people and realize that they can either just be a girl, or be a boy in a girly way, or something inbetween in a myriad of ways! Like as someone who almost never saw trans people in media until I found porn I totally get it. What kick starts the first serious questions about one's own gender and/or sexuality is different for everyone and I have no ill will or anything for that.

However, the fact that femboys as a trend (especially in the west) really kicked off on 4chan has left it's mark in a various ways and in addition to this the fact that it's historical ties to all that mess often feels completely ignored and/or forgotten can really get to me at times. It feels that a lot of people who got into femboy stuff nowadays may honestly not even know about some of this due to just not being online on 4chan and other such spaces when anything we now call femboy was very much considered in the niche of trap porn (more or less). There's more and more people who can look at femboy not just as a porn niche but as a gender/a gender goal they wish to emulate and gives them gender euphoria even if they are very much still a cis (or maybe cis++/cis# depending on your programming preference) guy but wants to be on estrogen for a while and be called a good girl and get headpats. Again, I bring of Bridget guilty gear because why are there so many people mad about her being canonical trans and still mad and denying it? Like I once saw someone on twitter and checked out their profile and saw that they are a self identified femboy and while scrolling down saw that they were big mad and denying the translation of the article where daisuke says that bridget is trans! I was pretty surprised for a while even after muting and blocking their account (lol). While thinking about that transphobic femboy it dawned on me that "oh yeah, there were quite a number of trap/femboy fans who were weirdo 4channers" and even if they are now are a femboy they were a bigoted channer first. I'm starting to ramble now but to speed things and wrap this up; I think seeing femboy art of P-man so soon after the game launched where instead of just putting that twink in lingerie and a sexy pose the artist also gave P-man some budding breasts (and removed the cool looking robo-arm which is just wack but more purely a matter of personal taste) just sorta reminded me of that past and I forgot about that feeling till today.

Like again I don't hate on femboys or nothing but I wish it's weird history was remembered more and that when I do come across I hope they can get excited for a twink without giving the boy estrogen for a couple months. Ya'll gotta learn to appreciate twinks without small estrogen tiddies at some point or are the beauty standards for femboys that strict :P

oh and Post Script: Like for femboys having fun posting photos online I never have a problem with them unless they do invoke that old trap porn bs and/or they are bigoted 4channers or redditors or whatever. It's only some art that rarely can rub me the wrong way

[blueepink07]

Things that I hate about Milgram's novel! (Spoilers!!)

Initally, it was supposed to be a comment, but it got so long that I decided to do a separate post.

I only read the summary so other than Torch and Tatsumi I couldn't get very attached to other characters so my opinion on this novel it's kind of biased lol, but I still want to share, because I can't keep it inside me!

(murder, suicide mentions!!)

The thing that I hate the most are the murders themselves in terms of judgment. (Most of them were quite easy to predict.) To me, Tatsumi's case was the only one that felt more morally gray. Because, while it was an accident and killed a person who had already committed murder, at first he justifies what he did and said that it was an act of "Justifiable Righteous Murder". Torch, fortunelly sees past his act and decides to forgive him. (Tatsumi really resembles Fuuta a lot, tbh.)

However, Rina and Mei's murders felt very forgivable to me. The only struggle in the judgment would be that the reporter's death would be considered an act of "Justifiable Righteous Murder" which, to be honest, I couldn't care less about. I personally feel like the reporter should have been in Milgram, not Rina and Mei. Because, in the end, she was the one who pushed Mei until she wanted to murder her. The article (the same reporter wrote it) was the cause of Mei's bullying, and so on. Not to say that in the moment when Rina and Mei stabbed each other, the only thing she could think was that she had an interesting topic to write about. Like, girl, in front of you, two people murdered each other, and that's all you can think about...

Because of that, for me, Rina and Mei were forgiven, making it an easy choice. Again, I didn't see how their murder could be considered morally gray.

Next is Mako.

I hold a little bit of resentment towards her because she killed Tatsumi. Which really felt so unecessarily, I honestly consider it a lazy writing choice. It's like they didn't know what to do with Tatsumi anymore. Also, it was very predictable that he would be pushed off and by whom, at least to me. The first chapters that I had the chance to read had a lot of moments with Tatsumi. So it wouldn’t make sense for other characters to die, considering that we don't know much about them.

If Mako had been pushed off, I feel like it would have been an interesting turn of events. (Waisted potential, really.)

Mako's murder has been cataloged as suicide, which I honestly disapprove of so much. She started all the Justifiable Righteous Murder stuff. You tell me that she, who played a part in so many murders by encouraging and spreading it, only gets to be judged by her suicide... And again, because it was a suicide and she killed herself for Tomonari, of course the murder alone will be considered more forgivable. I'm honestly surprised that in this novel, Torch holds so much to the idea that he has to judge only the sins in the book alone. Mako killed, controlled others, and spread a stupid thing online that resulted in many deaths. I don't know, it's just too much. Somehow, I'm glad that in the current Milgram, we don't have to judge only by their sin alone but also by their development.

(By the way, I don't hate Mako!).

However, I truly feel bad for Mako because she had to spend her life with Tomonari and constantly be told by him that she was the reason he became "so twisted". Again, because I only read the summary, I can't understand how she came to love him so much that she made so many sacrifices. Perphas, because of her guilt, she sacrificed her life to "cure" him and end it all with her own death, only for it to not work. I really feel bad for her.

Also, her book only had three pages. It's like the only purpose of her book was to "complete" Tomonari's book.

(Here, I'm just criticizing the writing choice. Mako would have been more interesting if her whole crime and motivations didn't revolve around Tomonari's character. Again, wasted potential. I had so many hopes for her character. Truly dissapointing.) 

Tomonari.

The things that he did at the end made me so uncomfortable. His book wasn't even open, but I could already smell a guilty verdict. He wanted to lick Mako's "dead" body. Do you tell me that there is something that I should find forgivable about this man?? And the fact that the book of sin portrayed his crime as only him letting Mako die, felt like an excuse to reconsider if Torch should vote him guilty. A poor excuse either way, because in the next moment he "kills" Rina and Mei and, admits that he also killed other four people, after Mako's suicide.

For me, this novel didn't really put me in the Milgram vibe. Many murders were one-sided, and it felt easy to vote. Other than Mako's reveal that she wasn't punished and voted guilty, nothing felt surprising for me; it was really predictable. (Tbh, even Rina and Mei's murder was predictable from the beginning. Tied by the same book of sin? Either they both killed themselves or they were accomplices to the same murder. I really hoped for the latter, because It would have been interesting if one of them had more influence on the crime than the other and would've created an imbalance or something. It would've tested Torch's judgment more.

Not to forget that the novel Torch states something similar:

So many characters were killed off only for Tomonari, whom I truly despise.

But who knows? Maybe this was the intention? After all, Jacka and Torch hate Milgram and escaped into the real world. Perphas, this was the intention: to create something that doesn't feel so Milgram-like for the reader to have the feeling that this novel is about the upcoming(?) Milgram's downfall.

Rereading this makes me realize that it looks like I hate this novel a lot, but I will point out briefly a few things that I liked or found interesting in another short (hopefully) post!

[choppedpainterchaos]

The world is broken.

That much is stating the obvious, whether that is on a personal level focusing purely on the everyday relationships we maintain or not. Whether that is on the slightly broader spectrum of your surroundings/your place of living, your province/state, your country, the continent or even the world, problems are staring us in the eye at almost every turn with no obvious solution in sight.

The world is broken, and honestly, I'm struggling to believe it can be fixed. I'm struggling to keep my hope for my future, for the future of my generation, for the future of the communities I am a part of and the ones I'm not, and for the future of our species.

However, I refuse to believe the world is fucked.

I don't have some groundbreaking way to solve all the world's problems (sorry 'bout that ).

It's pretty easy to point out the wrongs of the world.I have no struggle recognising the so-called "flaws" in the "system."

It's easy to realise something is wrong; all you really have to do is listen to the people suffering from those flaws.

However, I struggle to find a solution.

How do you fix systemic problems in a way that pleases everyone?

I'd like to say that I believe all we can do to fix the world is make our environment a kinder place, but what do you do when that doesn't feel like enough?

How do you speak in a way that offers hope when you yourself are steadily losing what little you had to begin with?

How do you live without feeling an insurmountable guilt for not doing more? How do you live aware of a problem when you have nothing you can do to help?

That being said.

The most important thing a human can do is survive.That has to be something we as a species can agree on.

From there on, it's unique. Our idea of survival is unique, and many people are more informed than I am about particular subjects. And I'm glad about that.

Personally, my idea of surviving and thriving even lies in learning. There is little that brings me more joy than learning.

This is kind of my way of saying please survive. Begging even. If what makes life worth living is commonly viewed as silly, dumb, a waste of space, freaky, or cringeworthy, it is not. Unless it actively harms someone, it is not any of that. It is important purely because it keeps you alive.

I understand looking at the mountains of problems this world throws at us and feeling overwhelmed by it.

So this is me extending my hand towards the world.This is me sitting on my proverbial porch with a beverage made explicitly for you, saying, "I see you. And I'm here for whatever it might be you need" Feel free to contact me.

Now, you might wonder why I'm doing this? Because I genuinely care about the state of the world and the well-being of my fellow humans. And this is the only way I can see myself able to help the world, broken as it might be.

[koukouture]

Hello please perceive my Azem OC

Okay thabk ye for looking at her I will now ramble abt her under the cut

So Lucifer's whole deal is that she inspired Emet Selch a lot as his senior. Like, his theatrical nature largely comes from her and so did quite a lot of his ideals. That is to say, we should be glad that Lucifer didn't survive the sundering bc uh... that would have been messy. I mean she'd be super unpredictable and she just generally has very off-putting vibes.

She's Emet Selch and Hythlodaeus' senior- not by a lot but enough that she still kind of sees them as kids/younger siblings lmao. She always used to kind of baby them... much to Emet Selch's chagrin lmao.

Anyways ON our dearest Emet Selch-

He puts her on an unrealistically high pedestal to kinda parallel how everyone holds impossibly high standards for WoL. See, the thing is, he probably shouldn't have put her up on such a high pedestal because she's highkey a sociopath. Yeah uh, he knows and elects to ignore it. Emet and Hyth both think they can fix her and yk what good for them but they look like a fuckin construction crew lol.

I'm only slightly exaggerating when I say that Emet got all of his problems from her. Like A LOT of his Solus persona comes from Lucifer. Like it's not healthy at all lmao. He is imitating her as a (fucked up) form of love and also to remember her. His love for theatrics and the arts? Lucifer. Fat fucking liar? Lucifer. Sadism? Lucifer. General apathy and/or detachment? LUCIFER. Seriously the degree to which he looks up to her you would think she was a SAINT. Something something, when someone dies you only try to remember the good things about them.

As for Hythlodaeus, at least he's aware that something is wrong with her and actually wants to help her. Emet kind of just bought into the persona she put up and while Hyth did to an extent as well, he tries to dig deeper.

Hyth has actually seen Lucifer be vulnerable, but only sort of. Honestly, Hyth is the therapist friend oftentimes to his own detriment. He gives that vibe to me. And about Lucifer being vulnerable; it's not exactly her unloading her sad baggage (bc you best believe she has it) but it's more of her being a little more honest about the fact that she just doesn't feel anyway about anything. She is very self aware about that whole thing but she also struggles with whether or not all of the stuff she says while putting up her act is genuine.

To an extent, Lucifer did genuinely care for those in her circle. She genuinely liked being around Hyth and Emet, and she genuinely respected Venat as her mother/teacher figure. It's just that she's never really honest with them, you know? Listen, Emet, Hyth, and Lucifer have been friends since they were teenagers but if you asked either of them any questions about her that go deeper than the surface you would get nothing. Lucifer on the other hand, despite her troubles with empathy and general emotions, is a little too good at recognizing what makes people tick. She is kind of a piece of shit in this regard because she will use that knowledge.

She uses this knowledge to gain favor with others, to get information, and even to preserve herself. Venat especially is really good at recognizing this and it's something they tried to work on when she took Lucifer under her wing. Key word tried bc you'd best believe when she deserted the Convocation during the Final Days she guilt tripped Emet to hell and back.

One other thing about her I want to highlight is that Venat, Hyth, and Emet are her moral compass. Not exactly in the "I love you and I will follow you" type way, but in the "oh okay you don't like it when I do this" type of way. She has no real concept of right or wrong nor cares much for the moral codes of others, she just kind of cares about how it makes her look and if it'll make her fit in.

Like, maybe she creates a concept and it's dangerous. She doesn't see a problem with it unless Hyth or Emet go "Hey girlypop, this is a little fucked up" and then she'll do a complete 180 and be like "oh haha yeah I guess it is" but she won't destroy the concept. Because why would she? A little personal project won't hurt anyone...

As you can probably tell by now, she is not the ideal person to be Azem. But of course, nobody actually knows what's going on in her noggin and by virtue of being very likable and appearing to enjoy helping other people (it's really just her trying to copy normal human behavior) to the average outsider. Does the Convocation think she's messed up? Yeah, they're not blind- but they think she's just depressed/despondent or something not that she's a high-functioning sociopath.

Now, given all of the above information, we should all be happy it was Emet Selch who survived the Sundering because Lucifer would be much worse. I think out of their little trio, Emet was actually the most merciful outcome because I also think Hyth has the capacity to be a terrifying villain. Dude just think about it; you could either have the sociopath, the one that attaches his entire identity to his friends (who would be dead in this scenario so where does that leave him) or the guys who's just a little grumpy. Shockingly enough, Emet is the most well adjusted one in this polycule. And that is saying a lot.

Lucifer would be worse than Emet because hey, at least Emet has something resembling a moral compass and only works to restore the status quo and get all his friends back. Lucifer? She'd do it for the hell of it. Everyone guiding her morals is fucking gone, what is she going to do? Without them, she has no idea what qualifies as right and wrong anymore. No she doesn't care about restoring the star or whatever she just wants her ego to be fed again. So she'll sort of go along with whatever the hell the Ascians are doing.

Anyways yeah that concludes this essay. In my next one I will go over her parallels with my WoL.

[batter-sempai]

Just saw your responses to my asks! :D No worries about however long it takes to answer them, I'm honestly just happy to ramble about my thoughts to someone interested in the same character as me!

Update on that Charon fic: I actually finished that one up! I'm really happy with the outcome and am glad you find my theories interesting.

The songs can indeed for angsty Papyrus situations, but a good few of them just are for a general Vibe of papyrus that doesn't fit what the majority of the fandom perceive him as. Please do listen to the new songs! :D I love inflicting my song obsessions on other people and tried to include as much variety as my preferences allowed.

I'd love to read your Papyrus Gaster Blaster fic! Is it on Ao3 or anything (no worries it not! I usually don't post my WIPs because of just how many I end up dropping midway.)

Ps: little tibit of a Papyrus idea I've been rolling around in my head (gosh this guy. I can see why Flowey took so long to get bored of him.) What if he's a lich? Would explain why both he and Sans have human traits, having his soul artifact hidden in his own skull could explain the different dusting patterns of his body and head, he has reason to do it (if Sans was sick as a human, I don't doubt Papyrus would go to that level to save him. The two act unhealthily codependent at times.)

See ya when I see ya!

Hello! Thank you so much. ;w; I’m always happy to see your asks in my inbox and would love to read more stuff from you.

Ooh, got a link to then fic?

Also no problem! It’s been a while since I got Papyrus asks so these are nice to receive.

I’m saving the asks with all the songs up and try to listen to the songs. ^^; I’ve heard of some of them before and I do feel they’re pretty fitting.

I haven’t finished the fic, and have left it on hiatus for a very long time. But still, here it is: X

I do feel guilt for leaving the fic on such a long hiatus, it’s been difficult trying to get back into writing it, but I really do want to finish it someday. Could be because I lost interest in reading fanfics a few years ago, so it’s been a struggle to write them too.

Oooh, I like the idea of Papyrus and Sans being liches. They seem to have monster souls too, but maybe liches are considered monsters in this universe? Though then again this is just a theory so I won’t think too much into that. I love that this incorporates Papyrus’ unique dusting scene where his entire body dusts rather than his body. Also, both of them do act like they had hair once (Sans combing his skull, Papyrus wanting to feel the wind in his hair and sun on his skin), though these could just be running gags. (And yeah, they do seem unhealthily codependent, but still, it could just be the situation both of them are in).

Thanks again for the ask. ^^

[pierrotwrites-hc]

I discovered TGB on AO3 last week and read through all of Part I and Part II of TGB and the Interlude in the the span of about 48 hours. It reminded me of my middle school tearing-through-books-in-an-afternoon phase and I was both delighted and a bit heartbroken when I got caught up - delighted to have ingested the whole story so far and heartbroken that I have to wait to read more!

I started leaving comments at some point during Part II but they weren't very detailed so I'm coming into your inbox to scream about all the things I enjoyed. Hope you don't mind!

First of of all, your pacing and the timing of your story beats is wonderful. The narrative has a satisfying tempo, if that makes sense. The push-and-pull of tension and release, of when good and bad things happen to the characters, is timed very well and feels extremely satisfying.

Luca and Robert's character arcs are so satisfying and so different from each other! I really like the thing where you narrate some scenes from both of their perspectives or change perspective mid-chapter so we see a scene from both their perspectives. I love how much legitimate mis-communication and struggle to connect there is because of Luca's trauma and conditioning, and I love seeing both of them fight for each other anyway.

You're really, really good at inserting characters into the background and then drawing them out bit by bit as they become more important and our main characters learn more about them. Ged is my favorite example of this. I love how he starts out as just a gladiator in the area who improbably survives and gradually gets more and more developed as he gets closer to Luca and then to Robert. It's like watching a picture come into focus. (To go on a bit of a rabbit trail about Ged: I was convinced he was going to die. So. Many. Times. during the story and watching him survive instead and actually get to have some agency was one of my favorite parts of the story! I really hope he gets to talk with Luca at some point in the future and that they can work out some of their mutual guilt towards each other.)

The way you did the same thing with Doran and Asher were also particularly good. But honestly all the side characters are incredible - it seems like they're all fully fleshed out people with their own stories and hopes and fears, no matter how much or how little of those inner worlds we get to see. There are also some characters who were extremely striking and memorable even without lots of internal development, like Tam and Silva.

Also the amount of characters who are morally gray, conflicted, or otherwise extremely contradictory is so satisfying. The whole story is morally complicated in a really good way, and a very respectful way I think.

I could also go on and on about how much I enjoy your prose style and the way you describe environments and people, to say nothing of your worldbuilding!

Thank you for sharing your writing with us! I'm so glad I got the chance to read it. I know I'll be coming back to re-read soon.

WOW WOW WOW this was lovely to receive (as were your comments!). You've picked up on so many aspects of the story that I enjoy writing (trauma, memorable side characters) and really struggle with (fckn pacing), and it is so wonderful to hear that these elements were successful for you. Also reading the ENTIRE thing in 2 days -- you deserve a medal for valor and fortitude. <3

[gutsfics]

I have like. Zero energy today to do anything more than this. so here r some info pages for my It Lives mcs! if you wanna know more about any of them feel free to shoot me an ask <3

Devi Casil

ILITW MC

he/him, but any pronouns work

genderqueer

born October 3rd, 1999

died 3 days before his 18th birthday & was resurrected half a month before his 22nd

5'10 but wears thick soled stompy goth boots that bring him over 6'

LI: Noah

on somewhat shaky terms with Jory because he's kind of pissed that Jory gets to live a more normal life. he tries not to let that effect their relationship but man. it's hard.

on horrible terms with Dent

because of the murder.

fucking shreds at Through The Fire And The Flames on Guitar Hero, even after he comes back to life and struggles with his motor function

his hair is actually 3C curls and the under half is dyed purple

more info can be found about him here

Harper Vance

ILB MC

he/him

trans man

born April 13, 1998

5'4

LI: Tom

he's super friendly and cheerful, and way too psyched about get into fights. he wants to be a pro wrestler

at the same time, he'll try and defuse fights by saying "woah, hey I'm just a little guy! and it's my birthday! I'm just a little birthday boy. you wouldn't hit a little birthday boy?" it really depends on the context of the fight

"has killed before" is in reference to Richard

"will kill again" is in reference to Dent

he and Jory are chill

wishes he could have helped Grandma Josephine move on more peacefully

lowkey struggles with the fact that he killed someone, even if that someone was a huge jackass that really deserved it. especially because that someone's son is dating his brother. plus like who's he supposed to tell? how is he supposed to get therapy for that? "hey i killed someone but it's okay because he tried to kill me first"? yeah. no.

Jory Fields

ILW MC, blood ending

he/him

trans man

born July 7, 1999

died in August 2016 but was brought back by Loha the same day

6'0

LI: Abel

really sarcastic most of the time, but knows when to dial it back. there's being a jokster and there's being a dick and he knows where that line is

lost his eye. wears an eyepatch so people know he can't see through it, but has a bunch of neat prosthetics, which he jokingly compares to wearing lingerie under regular clothes. like having a spicy little secret throught the day.

........he's probably wearing lingerie under his regular clothes, actually

as much as he loves his fully human life, sometimes he feels a sort of.... survivor's guilt? for not fixing the breach and giving his friends the oppertunity to live a more normal, human life.

but ultimately he is very happy with his decision. he loves his life with his silly dorky husband and wouldn't trade it for anything

he did fix Amalia's college issues the second he realized he could! he'd never forgive himself if he hadn't

he did enjoy fighting monsters, but he's glad he doesn't have to anymore

Arthur "Dent" Hemmings

ILW MC, betrayal ending

he/him

the group's token cis boy :(

born January 1, 1999

died in August 2016 but was brought back by Loha the same day

5'8

had the strongest relationship with Lincoln before Everything Went Down, but didn't end up dating him because Joss overheard him being a dick about stringing everyone along

he was also FWB with Jocelyn

and he fucked Luis

and Marianthe

and he wanted to fuck Abel as well but he wasn't close enough with him

and yet for some reason he was Deeply Offended when Connor called him a slut, despite the fact he knew full well he was toying with everyone's emotions with no intentions to stop 🤔

ultimately (obviously) he ends up with Matthias

or maybe he kills Matthias to have the power all to himself

or he could have been sacrificed by Devi to become the new anchor

OR. maybe he and Matthias got a divorce and now he's living it up using his powers to manipulate mansplain malewife people into giving him nice things

honestly i love all of these endings for him & they're all equally canon. in my heart.

anyway. he's an agressive asshole who puts himself first & will royally fuck over everyone around him if it means he gets to have his fun

he did Not fix Lia's college issues. or tell anyone that he's the power made human until he was forced to

he would have just let Connor stay a horror had Noah and Devi not been there

The Real Dent Hemmings absolutely hates what faker Dent is doing with his life and had a hard time moving on because of it. he was still a bit of a brash asshole, but he wouldn't have done any of the shitty things faker Dent did

honestly if Real Dent had been the one to make the final decision, he would have merged with the power to close the breach for good. he's a hardass, but he'll do the right thing no matter what

---

@ila-appreciationweek

[odysseywritings]

The Better Sister

@flashfictionfridayofficial

My older sister came over for the first time since Dad's funeral. We talked about important things over the phone but we stopped being close by the time she moved to the city with a lucrative career lined up for her. It was strange seeing her outside of a holiday, and when I asked her why she visited, she said it was something to do while her boyfriend visited his own family. She helped me pick up branches scattered in the yard after a nasty storm.

"So," Cheryl said in between the cleaning, "have you kept up with painting?"

"A bit," I replied with little energy. "Not many people here really want what I make. And it's hard to get anyone on the Internet unless I'm a great marketer."

She nodded and added, "You know, Dana, if you're looking for extra money, you could go into programming like me."

"I tried, but it's too complicated, even with beginner courses. I just wish there was more stuff here where I could... I don't know, feel successful and happy."

"Honestly, that probably won't happen if you stay here. If you want my opinion, Dana, you should put more faith in yourself. Otherwise, you'll be stuck here feeling miserable."

I don't know why I was so mad at her for that. It wasn't wrong, but how she said it, like it was so obvious. Maybe things were just easier when she was the smarter and prettier one and didn't get why I might've struggled more. I just wish she helped me more before she left. I grit my teeth and put on my best face.

"Maybe. I do try, though. I recently got a raise at my job despite the headache it's giving me, haha."

"That's good to show some ambition. Glad to see you coming out of your shell. Looks like we're done anyway so let's get back inside."

"Okay, but it's not looking good. Mom got worse with the hoarding after Dad passed away."

"God. Is she home now?"

"No, out shopping. Kinda glad because we can just relax."

We walked on a clear path surrounded by mountains of CDs, books, movies, tools, food cans, magazines, newspapers, and other items that merged into towering mounds of junk. I cleared up some room on the couch as we channel surfed. Mom's cat Robert Scritchum jumped up to greet Cheryl with needy affection as she made voices and messed with his fur. I'd feel more like that if we got him while the house and our mental states were in better condition.

We ended up watching a bad b-movie about an alien failing to kill a bird with a laser gun to keep things breezy. The mindless movie just made me overthink about the future. Would things be alright if I moved out and left Mom alone? Should I stay and try to tough out my issues?

I just wasn't cut out for this dilemma with my mental and physical issues. Every view into the window hurt my heart no matter what I chose. Cheryl would've handled this better. She was always the smarter one. The flow of overwhelming thoughts burrowed into my brain with an absentminded "It should've been you who stayed."

I looked back at the TV and then at Cheryl. She heard me say that aloud.

"You want me to stay here?"

My face burned and my gut sank. That wasn't supposed to spill out and now she'd think I was guilt tripping her.

"I didn't mean it, it just came out!"

Cheryl's face was hard to read and fixed on me. Her shoulders relaxed and put her hand on mine to calm my nerves. My heart rate slowed and I could breathe and think easier.

"I just had a bunch of thoughts and one of them accidentally came out. It's like... You were the responsible, rational sister. Thinking about the future of the house and Mom and your career. You would've handled that way better than me. I'm trying, it's just..."

Tears rolled without realizing it, and her hand held mine tighter, and she looked at me with gentle eyes.

"Hey, Dana, look. I appreciate what you're saying, but it's not that simple. I just can't come back to this life. Not with how I've been living now. And you shouldn't have to burden yourself with this. I don't know the right answer for you, but you've got a lot of resilience to put up with a lot of this and still be you. No matter what, Mom and I will support whatever you choose. Just please don't stress too much about it."

I sniffled and leaned over to hug her, trying to not get my runny nose on her shirt. I don't know how much of that solved anything but it was nice to just say it and to hear her without judgement. Whatever tension there was went away as we continued watching the cheesy movie and could laugh more freely. For the first time in years, we felt like sisters again.

[semper-legens]

193. The Changing Man, by Tomi Oyemakinde

Owned: No, library Page count: 382 My summary: Ife is a scholarship student at the prestigious Nithercott Academy - and she's not dealing with the pressure of being one of the few working-class Black kids in school. But something strange is afoot at the school. Kids are disappearing, and either they come back...different, or they don't come back at all. With outcast Bee and brother of one of the missing Ben at her side, can Ife solve the mystery of the Changing Man? My rating: 3.5/5 My commentary:

I was expecting this one to be a bit more...horror, than it was. That's not a criticism, it was just a surprise. Urban legends and cryptids are an interest of mine, so this story about the 'Changing Man', a being that supposedly lurks around Nithercott and takes lonely kids, is right up my alley. I found it to be really fun, honestly, if a little weird at times. But I'd prefer weird and fun to polished and boring. It was a good read!

Ife, our protagonist, is one of those classic heroines of this sort of story. She's struggling under pressure from both her parents, who expect great things from her, and the school, which might expel her if her grades are poor. She also feels disconnected from her home and friends - an attempt to smuggle herself out to see her best friend fails, and she's increasingly isolated as one of the only Black kids in a sea of white posh kids. If you've ever been a lonely teenager (which, let's be real, most of us have) you will relate to Ife. She's isolated, awkward, and troubled even before the Changing Man nonsense happened. And I find her to be a really credible protagonist. She's in over her head, and has a lot of moments where she's overwhelmed or breaking down over everything she's seen and done. She makes mistakes and further alienates herself from the kids that would naturally be her allies. But she keeps going, she keeps fighting, she doesn't back down, because she sees an injustice and she can't give it up. I loved her a lot, even if her narration was a little selfconsciously teenagery at times, the narrative leaning on a few teen cliches to characterise her in the earlier parts.

I also really liked her friends. Ben is the brother of missing kid Leon who bears a lot of guilt over Leon's disappearance. He's a weird kid, a bit of a delinquent but not a bad person, and adds a sort of quirky charm to the proceedings. Bee, meanwhile, is an awkward ambiguously-autistic nerd who finds herself alone because other people often find her offputting, and she latches onto other social outcasts to befriend out of a sense of desperation. They're both credible teens, and despite how I'm describing them here, they don't really fall into any of the classic Teen Story stereotypes. Sure, Bee is an awkward nerd, but her love of the school's history and self-awareness about Ife being cold to her at first elevate her. Ben is also complicated by his love for his brother and his big heart. They make a really cute trio!

Finally, let's talk about the Changing Man. Not the alien cryptid creature that forms the centre of this story, but the idea of change as a whole. Ife is worried that, being at the Academy and separated from her old friends, they will change without her and grow to not like her. She's also worried that she will change, and be left behind. The kids who disappear come back as pod people who act exactly as they are supposed to, a change that is clearly unnatural. Change is a huge theme, and the shapeshifters preying on the kids just underscore the point. Change is inevitable, and not necessarily to be feared, but too much change too quickly can be a red flag. The messaging is obvious, but not so on the nose that it gets in the way of the story, which I liked. Overall, it was a good story! I'm glad I picked it up.

Next, the pharmacist in a bunker beneath the world is facing a moral dilemma.

[hellcatinnc]

Collar x Malice - Aiji Yanagi Review

Includes Spoilers

So I gave up I really needed to meet Aiji and I knew I would never get to it at this point because Collar x Malice is such a dark game for me I can only handle it a little here and there and I'm at my there part so knew I couldn't sit through 2 more routes before Aiji but I will go back later and do theirs but I forwarded past them so I could unlock Aiji. Anyways welcome to my opinion of the sweet man every one knows as either Aiji or Yanagi which ever you want to address him as.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where do I start, well lets start here I heard so many people say he was like Dante from Piofiore now don't get me wrong he is has some characteristics like he is loyal and very much handles himself for the most part at treating you like a gentleman. However he struggles with not only his traumatic past but I don't think he thinks very highly of himself. He can't even figure out why you would love a man like him. He started off as a delinquent in high school to being a cop later to try to make admins to what he had done in his past. Now just because I don't feel like he is much like Dante don't let that full you one thing is time differences Dante is from the 1920's how they do things is way different. I am glad I did Aiji's story though he really is a beautiful man inside and out. Let me walk you down the sides of this man that make him so great. Let me tell you though he will draw you out to the end before you hear I love you. Thats where I missed Dante because once he knew he loved you he told you but Aiji struggles because he spent most of his life pushing everyone away so he has to learn how to let you in to love him.

He is so cute sometimes like he talks about how he takes care of things back at the office and everyone says he is like the dad of the group taking care of everyone. However the moment he is faced with a little girl who is lost from her mother clings to his leg this man froze up not knowing what to do with a kid. This is a man who could be a good father one day but got a long ways to go since he isn't used to being around kids. That being said if he is anything like how he is with you in the game and just needs to understand how you feel and how to connect and he becomes the best part of himself. The cutest thing was the little girl kept calling him uncle and when they walked her back to find her mother you get a glimpse of what they could look like one day married with kids. However damn Yanagi had to open his mouth and say they both looked like his little sisters in this moment, not long after though the MC makes the comment they must look like a family to anyone walking by. She stops herself realizing she was thinking about him as her husband. Of course Yanagi was so oblivious to this.

The story for him is pretty predictable because the prologue to him shows the MC as a little kid and the nightmares she has been haunted with cause she saw a monster killing a man in front of her. You find out the full story later when she was little she was kidnapped and Aiji was the one who saw her in the park so he followed. He tried to knock the guy out and take her but it ended up the guy beating the hell out of both of them. When he realized the man was going to kill them both he decided to kill him first. Downfall when the MC came to she saw Aiji beating the man as he screamed for his life. After Aiji tried to save her but she was scared to death of him after all that. He lived with that guilt his whole life and thought he didn't deserve to be near her or to have her forgiveness. You find out this how he recognized her the moment he saved her in the church in the beginning it was the same place where it all happened years before.

Honestly this is one of the things I loved about him the best because he may have been a teen delinquent but he saved her. One day when he tells the MC though she makes it clear she doesn't care about that she was just a scared little kid that saw things different however she was always thankful for that boy that saved her. This is what intertwines them together and honestly its beautiful because he was the one that saved her to even be there in his arms. It was like fate stepped in and even though Adonis was the ones that wants to torture them from the past the fact is he ended up there to be by her side again. He is a more serious type a guy in alot of ways but he has lived with this burden of hurting people so he just stays introverted away from everyone til the MC gets those walls down for him.

He isn't normally a blushy mess but ask him for pda in public like holding you and he will blush hard, and stumble his words don't get me wrong he will do it if it makes you happy. He just struggles doing something like that in person it takes alot even for him to start holding your hand but I honestly think Kei was the reason it was pushed because Kei had no problem taking your hand and once Aiji started to fall for you he wanted no other man to touch you. Its funny because Kei used to tease him about stealing his woman and all which really you got to see how Aiji changed over time. First he was irritated by Kei then it got to the point he would threaten Kei to the point you see he is very possessive and even tells the men that your his so back off. He still blushes if he is complimented because he doesn't know how to handle it but damn is he not adorable when he blushes... see for yourself.

This is what I'm talking bout the response that Aiji starts giving as Kei pushes his buttons. You have to know the scene though because he already admitted to knowing her heart was Aiji however I feel like he would jump on the chance to be with you if you had pulled away from Aiji thats just who Kei is. Sometimes Aiji needed that push though to make him comfortable with telling you how he felt so thanks to sweet Kei.

This cute moment when the MC wakes up from a night mare and Aiji is right there in her face. I love the banter she gives him after when she lays in the bed to sleep and she says it smells like him and she loves it and he starts coughing like man could not deal with that response knowing she was enjoying being close to him like that when they hadn't been yet. These are the moments when Aiji is freaking adorable.

How the MC grounds Aiji in the middle of a shootout was amazing and also the reason I think he was able to let go of the past and truly be hers in a different way. This was right after you find out he killed someone in the past and the MC tells him she knows who he is now and she needs him as a partner and I thinks its when they truly became insync. He tells her he is thankful for being partners and he believes you can take on anything together after this.

The first time he pulls you in for a hug then follows with a kiss was the sweetest most intimate things. By this point he has admitted every time she is so cute the more he loses his mind and can't control wanting to grab her and kiss her which he does. Its adorable this very serious man gets broke down by a woman doing cute little things that pulls at his heart. I think thats why the MC getting in his heart was so sweet and tender because it was when he least expected it. I love this scene because the MC had said she loved him before now but he hadn't replied but in this scene he admits it this was such a impactful moment in Aiji's life.

Now the moment after it all when he pushes you against the wall pressing up against you and kissing until your panting oh dear god I thought I was going to melt it was such a hot moment. I would have signed on for some more racy pics of him coming out of a shower or at least his shirt off. This moment showed his dominance and how he was struggling not to bed his woman every time she did cute things. Who knew this strong man, serious man would break the moment a woman did something he found cute he melted like butter. Even though he has a dominant streak he still pulls himself back knowing he never wants to make her uncomfortable with him but I think its hot knowing he has a animalistic side damn that freaking hot, boggles my mind this man exists...lol. Anyways just take my word for it scene is hot.

What can I say I really do love this mans character he is still my 2nd favorite in Collar x Malice, Kei is still my favorite but Aiji is a fast 2nd honestly. I do think his story is the most real feel to it though like to find out he has a traumatic past and he pushes people away until you. It progresses perfectly and never feels rushed. Its sweet when it needs to be and sexy in other parts. Also the other guys picking on him is too cute too especially Mineo and Kei.

The best ending is sweet it actually reminds me of the proposal you get with Dante in his good ending. No other Mc in this game is ready to take that leap into marriage but I think Aiji doesn't want games he wants to make the woman he loves his wife and wants to live with her as soon as he can. The proposal was sweet and he never gives like a full proposal speech but when you know him by this point you know this in itself was alot and the most vulnerable he has ever been and he did this as a late Christmas gift because things were hectic and he wanted to do it when things had calmed down. He even second guessed if you would like the ring cause its simple but he does love you and by this time he can tell you that and that he will be with you forever and always.

His bad endings of course ended in death of the MC or him but you never like saw them unlike in Kei's route you saw the death bleeding and all and it becomes more of a tear jerker. I didn't cry in Aiji's route per say well over thinking Kei was going to die because he pushed Aiji and the MC out of the way and saved their life then I had tears down my face. What can I say Kei has a place in my heart none of them else got to. However the tragic end is the MC kills Saike then loses her shit and runs away and he talks about in this scene he knows she needs him and he will search for him to find her because a world with out her in his he doesn't want.

Overall this man is so husbando material and is now on my list for sure. Its funny cause when you do his ending and its one of the bad endings it amazed me they even had a end where you side with Saike after he has killed all the other guys and although I don't want the other guys to die it was nice to see this side too cause I like Saike god I wish he was dateable. Damn why is so damn hot with blood on his face and dressed like that. Anyways only brought him into it since its in Aiji's route.

I also love how your able to fix the rift between the mc and the brother in this one. Its actually sweet how Kazuki worries about you and how irritated he is with seeing you all over Aiji lol. Thats the brother syndrome that no man is good enough but deep down I think he likes him, I know he likes his cooking.

[raeshutupandbookup]

"How pathetic am I?" Speaking shakily into the phone.

"What do you mean?" He responds as I hear him repositioning himself and shuffling some things around.

"Just. . .I went into a bookstore after months of not going to one. . ."

"Oh cool! I know you've been really wanting to go. Was honestly going to take--"

Taking in deep gulps of air, I hear him slowly stop, "Hey, what's wrong?"

"I. . .I didn't buy anything."

"What do you mean? I sent you some money to help you be carefree with--"

"I know but I couldn't do it!" Leaning into the headrest my car seat.

Taking a deep breath, he lowers his voice as concern seeps in, "Why not? Did something happen because I will be--"

"You need the money to help get new glasses and I know you have been--"

"Hey, easy." Struggling with talking I concentrate on him moving around before he continues in a calming tone. "Just breath. Was there a big crowd?"

Nodding I sigh, "Yes, it's the holidays so it was packed, I mean not like fully packed but packed."

"What else?"

"Just. . .moneys been tight, and I can't buy new clothes and the jeans I currently have on make me feel like I am a sardine in a can. . ." Reaching down I unbutton my jeans sighing with a little bit of relief. Trying to ignore the feelings of guilt that I have gained some weight.

"I bet they still look amazing on you and really hug your a--"

"I knew you would say that! Just that's not the point! The--"

"I know what the point is. You just need some new clothes; we can plan a trip together to do just that." He stated while chuckling.

"But you--"

"Listen, I didn't send you that money to make you feel guilty or to "test" you or anything else your brain is trying to formulate. I know you've been getting into reading and reviewing, and I wanted to help you out. Physical copies being your favorite form to read and everything."

Smiling I glance back at the bookstore still lit with people happily browsing and laughing with one another. Picking up books and gasping at the beautiful covers.

"I'm supposed to be this bigshot and yet I can't even go into a bookstore without feeling overwhelmed." Griping my phone, I look back down at the hood of my car.

"I should have come with you."

"You had to attend your conference and I wanted to get a Christmas present for myself. I honestly didn't even expect to be here. With the constant bills and expenses that kept popping up."

Hearing his smile as he spoke drew the corners of my mouth up. "I know, and that's why I wanted to do this for you. I should've known it would have been better if I had gone with you."

"I miss going into bookstores with my dad but. . ." Letting my shoulders drop I studied the chipped, artificial leather on the steering wheel. "He wouldn't approve of what I read and so we wouldn't really vibe as well as we used to. And since I'm not making money yet from reviewing, he doesn't care."

"That's a bullshit way of looking at things. This makes you happy and the way you light up as you talk to me about books? Priceless and if I could, I would buy you that whole damn store!"

Laughing I shake my head, "I know you would but please no nonfiction I live that every day. . ."

"It's a deal! Look I'm going to get glasses, okay? Mom's sending me cash because she wants me to graduate with honors and all that. I guess to get those certificates I need to actually see what I'm doing."

"You could go blind in the middle of your finals and still pass with marks higher than anyone else!"

"Aw, I'm glad you have such confidence in me. Did the bookstore have any of the books you wanted?" Asking as I heard him grabbing a glass of something.

"No. . .I mean they did but they didn't. Just I'm overwhelmed. . .I have so many books and reads I said I would get done before the end of the year and yet I'm at a bookstore. How can I justify buying new books when I can't even go home and instantly read them?"

Swallowing he chuckled, "You can buy books. You don't have to justify anything. You're simply knocking out some of your TBR list and having the physical copies. Even if you don't get to them until two months from now, they're still yours. They helped to bring that beautiful smile to your face."

Feeling my checks warm I squeezed the phone, "I want to come back here with you."

"When I get back in town we will. Buy the books you really want online, hell I will send you extra money so you can get the hardbacks."

"No, you won't!"

"Buy the books you want and then we will plan to eat at a fancy restaurant and go to the bookstore. And I will not allow you to leave without buying at least one book." Continuing his train of thought with a smirk on his face I could hear from the other side of the phone.

"You're encourageable." I mutter as I start the car.

"Only with you."

If you use or continue with these two, please tag me! Would love to read!

[forlornputato]

I have never really successfully listened to my body and my thoughts post-exhaustion or mental breakdown. I've always been so good at ignoring myself when I don't feel like confronting my worst enemies. But today, it's a little bit different.

Last Sunday, I finally mustered the courage to go to the hospital and have the bump on my bum area get checked. Right there and there, I was told that I needed to be admitted because it was infected and it needs to be surgically removed/drained. I had my doubts. I had my worries. I didn't have any emergency savings for this. Sure I'm earning above the minimum wage but I only just started with my 3rd client. I need to send money to my mom, need to send money to my brother as he's graduating from high school. I didn't have any money with me.

Leanne convinced me though, and I am so glad she did! The operation did it! I can now sit, walk and stand without the excruciating pain. The last week was hell. But to tell you honestly, my entire stay at that hospital was worse.

I was in an "isolation" room with no sunlight. Time was an illusion inside that room. I was in and out sleeping, or crying, or in agony. I had a withdrawal from not being able to smoke for days. I couldn't eat the normal way because my blood sugar was high. I couldn't sleep because emotionally, I wasn't doing well.

There came a point when I begged and begged people to let me out, and smoke. I begged and cried to my girlfriend, I screamed and thought everybody was trying to keep me their prisoner. I was hysterical. I needed sunlight, I needed my cigarette. I thought the doctors will kill me in the OR. I was fucking hysterical. I saw my girlfriend's struggle when she was trying to calm and reassure me. I saw the exhaustion in her eyes when I begged her to let me out.

To cut the story short, the worst was over. Everything went well. Nobody killed me. I finally had my 1st cigarette Tuesday afternoon. All's well that ends well. And so I thought.

But here I am, 1 day post-hospitalization and I am feeling a surge of guilt and self-loathing. I hate myself for putting Leanne through the experience. It feels terrible knowing that she didn't know what to do with me when I was hysterical. I feel terrible knowing that she had to support me physically, mentally, and financially ALONE. She had to spend her savings so we can settle the bill and I know how protective she is of her money. AND FOR GOOD REASONS. But because of me, she had to let them go.

There's this guilt inside me, eating me alive. Do I deserve this kind of love? After all the stress I put her through? I fucking feel so worthless. I didn't have any money for myself because all I ever did was spend and give them away. I feel so terrible and small and just worthless.

And now I feel guilty for feeling all of these. Because I shouldn't be feeling any of it. I should have my shit together and go back to work so I can pay her. I should fucking feel thankful and not hate myself. I should be okay.

Maybe this is normal? I don't know. I should have learned my lesson years ago but here I am again, spiraling for the same reasons. I fucking hate myself. I am so worthless.

[kitkatwinchester]

LET'S F*CKING GO!!

Okay I know that episode had kind of a bad ending with that cliffhanger of Lydia and the Nogitsune vanishing and Stiles's very emotional and worried and guilty facial expression that is gonna haunt me forever, but DUDE!!

THAT WAS F*CKING INCREDIBLE OMG MY HEART IS JUST--

First of all, YES LYDIA!! YES SCOTT!! WAY TO SEE THROUGH THE TRICKS AND GET OUT!!! Lydia obviously had some help from Peter, but she was still able to fight it and find her way out.

Also as an aside, I feel like, no matter what else he may say, Peter really cares a lot of Lydia, and I feel like she cares about Peter too, in some ways, which is why she keeps going to him and calling him for things. I know there's a romantic ship out there, but that kinda bugs me, so I see it as platonic and I'll stick with that. I fully acknowledge that they care, albeit begrudgingly, about each other though.

And then Scott!! I'm so proud of him!! He knew something was off, but he couldn't quite place it, and as much as he loves/loved Allison, I'm so proud of him for being able to look past that and identify that no, that wasn't right, and he needed to get out, and YES SCOTT I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!

Before we get into the big scene and ending that I'm obviously going to be adding to my "Best Sciles Moments" list, I do want to branch off for a second to acknowledge Kira and Allison (and Chris, honestly, breaking out of the chair and then not killing Derek because he's awesome), being f*cking bad*ss while fighting the werewolves and trying not to truly hurt them I just...

AND CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT THIS SHOT?!

WHEN I TELL YOU I SCREAMED I MEAN--

WHAT A MOMENT!!

So anyways. Just wanted to acknowledge that.

AND THEN!!!

THE F*CKING ALPHA ROAR!!!

LET'S!!!

F*CKING!!!

GO!!!!

"He's human. But he's still part of the pack, right?" "Yeah. Yeah, of course." "So how do wolves signal their location to the rest of the pack?" "They howl."

YES LYDIA!!

YES SCOTT!!!

LYDIA'S PLAN!!!

SCOTT'S REALIZATION!!!

AND THEN THE BIG OLD TRUE ALPHA HOWL THAT FINALLY GETS STILES'S ATTENTION!!!

AND THEN THE WAY STILES GLARES AT THE NOGITSUNE!!

AND HE DESTROYS THE GAME OF GO!!!

AND THE NOGITSUNE LOSES CONTROL OF ALL THE WEREWOLVES!!

AND HE'S FREE!!

And then it's really emotional and terrifying for a second because they think it didn't work, and everybody's all panicked, and now Scott is wondering what the f*ck Lydia and Peter are talking about, and then in the grossest f*cking way possible, Void Stiles pukes up Real Stiles (but they don't know that yet, but you know what I mean), and everybody's freaking out (and here we love these little subtle moments of Peter putting a protective arm across Lydia's body, and then Peter and Scott diving to grab Real Stiles (before they know it's him) to keep him away from the others and Alan putting his arms around Lydia and Melissa protectively <3) and it's all scary and terrifying and gross.

But then I LOVE that Scott picks up on it. I LOVE that he realizes that something is off, and that the struggling is much more fear than it should be for the Nogitsune, and I love how he considers it, and I love that SCOTT is the one that realizes what actually happened, and then he uncovers his face, and it's STILES, the REAL STILES, and the way he just says "Scott?" with all of this emotion and fear and guilt and relief and Scott just looks at him in utter relief and they both look like they're about to cry and GOD I WISH WE COULD'VE ACTUALLY BEEN ABLE TO ENJOY THAT REUNION BECAUSE IT WAS SO GOOD AND I'M SO GLAD WE GOT HIM OUT!!!

But of course not, because Void had to f*cking run off with Lydia and now we have to deal with that and there's still two episodes left which means this isn't over but STILES IS ALIVE and he's OUT and Scott SAVED HIM and I just....

I'm gonna revel in that, okay??

I'M GONNA REVEL IN THAT!!

And then now we can go save Lydia and kill Void and everyone can be happy and okay and NOTHING ELSE IS GONNA GO WRONG, OKAY?!

NOTHING! (She says not believing a word she says.)

THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT STILES IS FREE AND NOW WE HAVE MORE OF A CHANCE AND GOOD JOB SCOTT I'M PROUD OF YOU!!

Let's go kill this son of a b*tch.

(I couldn't find any of the gifs I wanted but this will work because THIS FACE I CANNOT THERE IS SO MUCH EMOTION IN THERE AHHHHH. Anyways. We love you, Dylan. <3)

[scaryarcade]

Hopefully this is okay to disscuss this kind of thing here. But in my own (and still on going) discovery of my plurarity ive found myself in a weird spot in DID/OSDD community where i relate to the some or most experiences of being a system but still feel like the way symptoms i DO experience is "wrong".

One of the examples i could give is criteria for DID/OSDD being "having repeated trauma before 6-9 years of age". But the only traumatic major event i can recall that started to affect me was at 11 years old. Before that age i almost zero memory from that period (which is terrifying on its own tbh). And from 11-13 i started devolping BPD and was probably the beggining of fragmatation of my identity/personality. My own dissociative spectrum feels more on then "just BPD dissociation when in stress" but still less severe in what you see in pwDID who have seperete identities. Though, lurking through your blog (im normal trust me /j) and knowing about "median system" did resionate with me a lot. I still feel like a huge imposter because i "dont have the worst trauma ever and have total seperate identities that make living hell", i for sure am disordered plural/system but i feel guilt when being plural doesnt completely ruin my life like it does with a lot of pwDID/OSDD. I am aware i probably have it better in this aspect of mental health in this community but i want to hear and knlw more about atypical/nonstereotyped way of living with DID/OSDD. And your blog gave me that comfort/closure i looked for so long lol. So honestly thank you for creating this little blog i appreciate you adding unique experience/opinions to the community a lot!!!!

I hope my ask is understandable and sorry for any errors i might have put here 😭😭

(Also im fucking losing it over the coincidence of sharing the same name/pronouns/age-range/interest ☠️☠️)

hi!! thank you for the ask + hell yes name twins!!! LMAO

i really appreciate you taking the time 2 share ur experience. there are a few things that came to mind while i was reading ur ask. this is not meant to imply you need to change how you view yourself/selves, but since you mentioned feeling like the way you experience symptoms is "wrong", you may find these things useful to know if you didn't already:

you do not have to recall trauma before the ages of 6-9 to be diagnosed with DID or OSDD! actually, you don't have to recall any trauma at all to receive a diagnosis.

anecdotally, there are a lot of people with DID who do not experience clear, rigid separation between parts/alters

also anecdotally, a ton of trauma survivors (especially those with complex and/or developmental trauma) struggle with imposter syndrome and feeling like they have it better than others.

i frequently feel guilty like i'm invading spaces/taking up resources/just generally don't belong in places for trauma survivors because "other people have it so much worse". this is a pretty normal way to feel, but it fucking sucks, so i'm really sorry you're dealing with what sounds like a similar feeling. i think this is what happens when we have been forced to spend a lot of time rationalizing the bad things that happen to us. mentally, we have to normalize and minimize our own trauma in order to endure it. so it's a lot easier to look at someone else's experience and go "wow that's horrible and traumatic!" than it is to do that with our own.

happy 2 hear that median terminology resonates with you!! it definitely was immensely comforting for me when i found a term that encapsulates the often REALLY confusing experience of, like. "we're separate people we're the same we're different from each other yes we are no we're not <3".

i'm rly glad to hear my blog has been a useful resource for u. i hope you know there is no threshold of suffering that you have to meet in order to deserve resources, support, and community. you belong here!