#and I'm going to pull back on doctor's appointments even though I still have stuff to address

[normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke]

I think it will be ok

[yuujispinkhair]

CollegeBoy!Sukuna accidentally knocking you up – Part 2 A

-> Option A: "I'm not ready to be a mom"

You can read Part 1 here

I decided to write two different versions of Part 2 (both are comforting). Option A: Reader has an abortion Option B: Reader decides to have the baby(s)

Modern!Sukuna x Reader (female). Fluff. Light angst with a happy end. 2K words. Unplanned pregnancy, Reader has a surgical abortion. Everything goes well. Sukuna takes good care of Reader. All characters are of age. Minors don't interact. Divider@/plutism + dollsciples + benkeibear

Finding out that you accidentally got knocked up by your college sweetheart was definitely a shock. And it didn't end there because now you are faced with having to make a decision that has the potential to change your life forever.

You sleep a night over it and spend the next day going on a long walk with Sukuna, hoping the fresh air will help you clear your mind. It's when you sit down on a park bench and lean against Sukuna's biceps when you ask softly,

"So what are we going to do, Kuna?"

And Sukuna wraps his arm around you and pulls you against his side,

"It's your choice, princess. I will be there for you no matter what. I'm man enough to handle both. And ultimately, it's your body, so you should be the one who makes the decision."

It makes you love him even more.

Sukuna is usually a very dominant person, someone who likes to be in control. Seeing him hold back and give you the reins fills you with deep affection.

You have contemplated both options, glad that Sukuna made it clear that he won't run even if you want to have the baby. But in the end, there is one option that feels more right for you at this point in your life.

When you tell Sukuna that you want to terminate the pregnancy, he doesn't comment on whether this is what he would have decided or not but just pulls you into his strong arms and hugs you, tells you again that he will drive you to the hospital and be there for you all the way.

You practically melt into the comfort of his strong arms as you add softly,

"It's not that I don't want a baby with you, Kuna. You know that, right? It has nothing to do with you. I just think we are too young. I am too young. I don't want the stress of having to be a mom while I still go to college and have to study for exams and try to find a good job, etc. It already seems so much, and when I imagine also having to take care of a little baby, I don't think I can manage all of it, even with you by my side."

Sukuna smiles at you, not one of his smug smirks or flirty boyish grins, but a genuine smile, soft and tender, a smile that is only reserved for you.

"I know, princess. Don't worry your pretty head about this."

Sukuna is with you throughout the whole journey. He drives you to your doctor and insists on going up to the waiting room with you because he knows how nervous you are. He sits next to you, holds your hand, caresses your fingers soothingly, and grins reassuringly at you. He makes a flirty comment and winks at you when your name gets called, trying his best to make you laugh and feel less nervous.

But you know that he is nervous too. When you get back twenty minutes later, you can see that Sukuna is still on the same page of the book he started to read when you left. His mind obviously occupied with other things, just as affected by the situation as you are.

It makes you reach out and hug him tightly, comforting him just like he comforts you, even though he would never admit openly that this makes him anxious just as much as you.

"My doctor already made an appointment at the clinic for me to have another examination and to sign all the documents and stuff. But it's when you have training, so you really don't have to come with me."

But Sukuna rolls his eyes and shakes his head,

"What are you saying? Stop it, baby. Of course, I am coming with you. If I can put my dick in you, I can also accompany you to your appointment. After all, it's my apparently super-fertile sperm that got you into that situation in the first place! I'll skip training. It's not important. Nothing is as important as you are to me."

The next four days feel weird. You go to the examination at the clinic. You listen to the doctor explaining the procedure to you. You nod, you smile politely, and you sign several documents before you get sent halfway through the hospital to meet an anesthetic and sign more papers. They send you home with a sheet full of instructions on what to do before and after the surgery.

You spend the days until the surgery in a daze. Everything feels unreal.

But you aren't alone. Sukuna doesn't leave your side. It's almost funny how he follows you around like a puppy. The big bad boy, all sweet and doting.

On the day of the abortion Sukuna drives you to the hospital. He walks with you to the unit where the surgery will take place, and his large hand squeezes your smaller one so tightly it almost hurts.

You can see and feel how reluctant he is to let go of you and how worried he is about you, even though he tries to hide it and play it cool so as not to make you more anxious than you already are. But his hug is even tighter than usual, almost bone-crushing the way his strong arms tighten around you, and he pulls you against his tall, muscular body.

He kisses you, too deep and with too much tongue for the location, but you tilt your head to let him push his tongue even deeper into your mouth, craving his kiss and his love and the reassurance he gives you that way.

You leave towards the room where you are supposed to change, looking back over your shoulder one last time and Sukuna is still standing there in the hallway, his hands shoved into the pockets of his grey sweatpants, looking so cool with his tattoos and the pink hair. But you can see the tenseness in his broad shoulders and the worry on his tattooed face.

It makes your chest feel warm, and you can't help but mouth "I love you" in his direction, smiling when you see him say the words too.

Your surgery goes by without any complications, and the moment you wake up, a nurse is already by your side, bringing you tea and something to eat, and some painkillers. But you are impatient, wanting nothing more than to leave and be in Sukuna's comforting embrace, feel the warmth of his body and inhale his scent and hear his velvety low voice murmuring sweet nothings in your ear.

You're glad when you are finally allowed to get up and get dressed again, promising the nurse that you have someone who will stay with you for the next 24 hours.

When you leave the changing room, you see Sukuna leaning against the wall right next to the reception. His tattooed face is a bit pale, and he is playing nervously with his tongue piercing once again.

His maroon eyes meet yours, and he is by your side in a second, a strong arm wrapping around your waist and carefully pulling you against his side, steadying you, holding you securely, making sure you won't fall. His lips press against your temple, lingering there for a long moment, warm and soft,

"Fuck. I'm glad you're finally out of there."

You can hear the strain in his low voice, can hear every ounce of worry and anxiety he felt during the last hours when he was sitting in his room, waiting for the hospital to call him and tell him, you are ok.

You lean gratefully against him, feeling a bit dizzy from the anesthetics, glad that you have your strong boyfriend to hold you.

"I'm so glad you're here, Sukuna."

"How are you, princess?"

"I'm good. Just a bit wobbly on my feet. And I need something to eat. I'm starving!"

And Sukuna laughs softly, sounding so relieved,

"Well, how lucky you are that your boyfriend spent the last few hours in the kitchen to distract himself and prepare your favorite dishes for you."

And suddenly, your sight becomes blurry as tears well up in your eyes and run down your cheeks without you even knowing why you suddenly start crying now that it's over when, in the days leading up to the abortion, you didn't shed a single tear!

But maybe all the stress and anxiety of the last few days finally caught up with you. The contradictory emotions of feeling a bit wistful about letting go of that fantasy of Sukuna and you having your own little family versus the relief you feel that it's over and that you can live your life the way you planned.

But you suspect that, most of all, it is the overwhelming love you feel for Sukuna right at that moment. You are so touched by how caring he is. How mature he was in this situation. That he didn't run, that he didn't leave you to deal with all of this on your own. He is so worried about you and does so much to make you feel okay. He is so strong all the time, so you have someone to lean on.

A sniffle escapes your trembling lips, and Sukuna's eyes widen. He pulls you against him, burying his face in your hair and murmuring soothingly to you,

"Hey, baby, it's ok. Everything's going to be ok. Don't cry."

Your hands are on Sukuna's broad chest, and you feel the warmth of his skin and the beat of his heart through the soft hoodie he is wearing, comforting and reassuring.

"I'm ok, Kuna, I swear. It's just... I love you so much."

"I love you too."

His voice sounds tender when he says the words, and you snuggle closer to him, lifting your head to look at his beautiful tattooed face. And Sukuna leans down a bit, enough so he can brush his lips over yours.

That's how you end up standing in the middle of the hospital hallway, hugging your boyfriend and kissing him slowly as if the two of you are the only people in this world.

But you make it to the parking lot a few minutes later, walking there with the help of Sukuna's strong arm wrapped around you.

Sukuna is so gentle, so caring. He helps you into the car and puts on your seat belt for you as if you can't do it yourself. He stops at a convenience store to get some pads for you, jogging back to the car as if he is running from a crime scene because he is worried about letting you out of his sight even for a few minutes.

He helps you out of the car again, once you have reached your apartment, picks you up princess-style and carries you up the stairs. He sits you down on the couch, wraps you in a warm blanket and glares at you when you try to get up.

"Don't be a brat! Just stay right here and rest and let me bring you the meal I cooked for you with all my fucking love!"

He brings you the food and plops down next to you, checking if you really eat something, like some super stern nurse, and you can't help but feel warm, knowing that your bad boy is so amazingly sweet and caring when it comes to you.

The moment your face twists in pain, Sukuna is on his knees in front of you, fear in his maroon eyes, his large hands on your thighs, looking up at you with worry written all over his tattooed face.

"What's wrong?"

You grit your teeth and smile shakily at him, reaching out to cup his cheek and caress it tenderly, touched by how worried he is for you.

"It's nothing bad, Kuna. They told me I would get cramps after the surgery. It's perfectly normal! But it feels like really bad period cramps. They gave me some painkillers for that. Can you..."

You can't even finish the sentence before Sukuna is on his feet again, already walking over to your bag,

"I'll get them for you!"

You thank him, and he sits down next to you again, watching you the whole time with narrowed maroon eyes until you chuckle and reach over to ruffle his pink hair,

"I won't drop dead if you stop looking at me for one second, you know, baby? Eat something, too, I know you are hungry!"

"Don't joke about stuff like that, princess. I am just taking my job as your personal nurse seriously."

And he really does. For the next few days, Sukuna barely leaves your side. And even a week later, he is still acting differently around you, and you begin to realize that this is probably how he will always be now. Even more protective. Even more caring.

The unplanned pregnancy and the abortion didn't drive a wedge between the two of you. Instead, it made the two of you grow even closer. You shared a life-altering experience. Because even though you decided not to have the baby, it still will be something you will always carry with you. And you will never forget how Sukuna reacted. How he was there for you. How he respected your decision and how he cared for you.

You learned that Sukuna is more than just the sexy bad boy you can have fun with. He showed you that you can always count on him, that he won't run when real problems occur. You learned that if one day in the future you actually want to have a baby, you have a wonderful man by your side who would be a loving partner and a damn good dad.

You sigh happily as you lie in your bed with Sukuna behind you. He has become more cuddly since accidentally knocking you up. He wants to spend every night at your apartment or asks you to stay at his. As if he needs to hold you every night, keeping you safe and sound, wrapped in his strong arms, his buff body pressing against your back, and his lips trailing lazy kisses over your neck.

The two of you are living your regular lives again, going to classes, studying, going to training, to parties. No one else knows what happened to you. It's a secret between you and Sukuna because you both want it that way. No one else has to know. This is just something the two of you share.

A commercial for baby food starts playing in between two episodes of the crime show you are watching. A young family, mom and dad, and a tiny baby. And even though it's been weeks, it still makes you feel a bit weird to see it.

Sukuna's arm tightens around you. Maybe he felt you tense up, or maybe he had the same thoughts as you when seeing the commercial. Either way, his hand slips down to your belly, caressing it gently, and there's a smile in his low voice when he says,

"You know, it's not the end of it, princess, right? We can still have one.... when we are older. If we want."

You smile and snuggle against Sukuna's warm, muscular body. Your hand lands on top of his larger one, which is resting on your belly now, and you interlace your fingers with his, feeling the weird tension leave your body again.

"If I ever want to have a baby, it will definitely be with you, Sukuna."

I LOVE HIM 💗😭

Thank you so much for all the love on Part 1!! The story wouldn't leave my mind anymore, and after I got several comments and asks where people asked about a possible Part 2, I wanted to continue the story about College sweetheart Sukuna knocking us up and show how Reader and Sukuna deal with both options, so I decided to write two different versions.

I hope you liked Option A and that it could give you comfort.

Option B will be the version where Reader decides to have the baby (or rather babies lol). I plan to post it next week!

Comments and reblogs would be very sweet 💗

You can find Option B here

[chaosandmarigolds]

okay it has been the longest time since I've asked for a request but I freaking LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE!! So I have a Simon riley request. You can really run off with my idea and write it however you want but Ive had an idea in my head about Simon and the reader adopting because reader or Simon can't have kids and I want to know how he'd handle a kid who's probably been thru some stuff to end up in the foster/adopting system.

ANYWAYS ILYSM keep up your amazing work 😍😍

(no cause I actually screamed omg thank you so much for your kind words they truly mean the world to me <333 )

Adoption! Simon Riley Who had zero doubt on that he wanted children with you, even though he was terrified of failing them he wanted to try

Simon Riley! Who took you to all of the doctors appointments and the testing and the trails and never once mentioned how expensive it is

Simon Riley who was probably the only person a bit more crushed than you when the doctor told you both that it wouldn't be possible to have children of your own.

Simon Riley who let the matter go under the radar for a few months before you walk into the bedroom, tablet to chest

"i'm gonna say something and I need you to be open to it."

He blinks a few times as he sets his book down on his lap, "Should I be scared?"

"No. But..." You hold out the tablet, showing him the adoption application you had half filled out, "I mean there's thousands of kids who-who need a family an-and-"

"Finish it up, why don't ya- lemme get the bank statements, yeah?"

Simon Riley! who would rather go back on deployment than have more people walk through his home while making judgments on if it was 'child friendly'

Simon Riley! Who sat up with you every time you were waiting for an update, watching easy going bake shows on the sofa with the laptop email service open on the coffee table in front of you

Simon Riley! Who was a little bit disgusted when the agent sat you both down with the files of children in need, because he did have half a mind to just take them all

"Now I know you both told me you were looking for a baby, and I understand that however the waitlist for that is incredibly long and ultimately it is the mother's choice in that situation," The agent's eyes go to Simon, almost as if to say 'no mother would ever choose that' and she pushes the file to you, "And I always push for the adoption of some of the older kids. There's no pressure."

Your eyes narrow to the folders in front of you and you gulp down, hands shakily going to the folder in front of you and pulling it to your lap, all the while you could tell Simon was just still a little confused by the statement the agent had made before. However, you humored it, flipping through the photos and the tragic backstories that made your eyes water, until you open one that caught your attention, two children sat in the photoinsteadd of one.

Name: Macey-Ann Adams

Age: 11 years

Name: Taylor Kate Adams

Age: 24 months

"Si..." You didn't tell that your voice was muffled by a bit of tears and you hold the file over to your husband, who looked over the pictures, taking you slight interest. So he lightly takes the file and then looks up at the agent.

"These two?" He speaks as softly as he was able to.

The agent looks at the file and then a frown appears on her face, "Macey, she...she's a troubled girl, on her fourth foster home, and she's jumping schools, I would not recommend her."

with a shuttered breath you breath out, "But...but she's just a kid- can...can we meet her and Taylor?"

Simon Riley did extensive research as soon as he got home, finding the articles from the local newspaper on the two girls who were so severely abused by their father that they wouldn't look the police officer in the eye

Simon Riley who was beginning to think it wouldn't be a good idea until they met the girls at the local park

Simon Riley who saw so much of himself in that little girl it made him almost puke

Simon Riley who got over himself when he saw your beaming face as you held Taylor, helping her get the cherry blossom from the tree

Simon Riley who would be lying if he said he wasn't estatic when you were approved for the adoption

Simon Riley who tried to get to know Macey but the girl was quiet, self suffiecnt, she was him

"You're taking Taylor." Macey mutters as she sits on the swing, watching you with her baby sister

Simon squints against the sun and sits down in the swing beside her, and then he looks to you, a smile on his lips for a moment, "Not jus' her."

To that the eleven year old looks at him, a frown on her face, "What? People want babies. Taylor is a baby."

There was a long silence and Simon looked down at his boots, "You like trampolines?"

Macey blinked, "I do."

"Gonna buy you a trampoline for the backyard when the court says it's all over."

Another pause, "You're taking both of us?"

"Figured you'd wanna stay with your lil' sis."

"I-kinda....thanks, Mister Riley."

"Simon. You can call me Simon, or...whatever you wan, and' we gotta get a move on your sister was wan'n a ice cream."

Simon Riley! Who takes careful care in helping Macey unpack

Simon Riley! Who takes the girls shopping every weekend until he thinks they have everything they need

Simon Riley! Who loves his girls more than anything else in the world

( I hope this is good and honestly this is so cute I may write a more in-depth one shot type of thing. Comments and feedback make my day! annnd yeah! that's it <33

[mxqdii]

cardigan - m.s

pairings: matt sturniolo x reader

summary: cardigan by taylor swift lyrics as matt and readers relationship (idk how to explain just read it)

warning(s): angst, fluff, some sad stuff.

not proofread

and when i felt like i was an old cardigan, under someones bed. you put me on and said i was your favorite.

i sit in my room muffling my sobs as i hear footsteps coming towards the door.

i hear three light knocks along with matts soft voice

"y/n? are you okay?" he asks and i quickly wipe my tears and clear my throat.

"yeah, yeah i'm fine." i croak out and the door slightly opens, the sight of matt filling my eyes with more tears

he sits down on the bed next to me wiping my tears as they fall

"what happened? talk to me." he says tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

"i'm no ones favorite person, i know that sounds stupid i just-" you ramble on before getting interrupted.

"you're my favorite person"

a friend to all, is a friend to none, chase two girls, loose the one.

im sitting at home when i get a text from nick saying to come to a movie with him.

i groan, feeling all comfortable in my spot on the couch when i feel my phone vibrate again.

"come on, ill pay if you drive" the text says.

i agree and get ready, pulling up to the triplets house and opening the unlocked door.

nick comes downstairs and i pause

"oh! i almost forgot, i have to get my sweater back from matt, i left it here last time" i say, walking upstairs to matts room.

i forget to knock and just open the door, seeing what was about to be a kiss between matt and some other girl.

matt jumps at the sight of me and tears fill my eyes

"what the fuck matt??" i yell

"its not what it looks like!" he says and i laugh as the tears roll down my cheek

"ohh okay, enlighten me then." i snap back and he looks down to the floor

"i just- i wanted to be sure.." he mumbles

"what?" i say, fidgeting with my rings.

"i'm just- i'm being a friend okay y/n!? i comfort you when you're upset don't i?" he explains

"okay then, tell me you feel absolutely nothing for her then, tell me i'm the only girl you like" i protest, waiting for his response

he stays silent, looking down, which is all of an answer that i need from him.

"you've just lost me matt, goodbye."

but i knew you, playing hide and seek and giving me your weekends.

i sit at the table amongst my friends, them all engaging in the conversation.

meanwhile, i'm looking at old pictures and videos of me and matt, remembering what we had.

the adrenaline, the laughter, the love.

tears brim my eyes but i push them back, not wanting to burst out crying in the middle of lunch.

i come across a video of me and matt trying not to laugh while hiding from chris and nick.

i smile as a tear falls, remembering our movie nights every weekend, our date to the aquarium, everything.

i don't wanna miss him, but how could i not?

you drew stars around my scars, but now im bleeding.

when things got rough, matt was always there. he was the one telling me it was alright, the one who got me through it all, even if it was silly little things.

"no way! i am not going" i protest and matt laughs

"y/n, you have to." he says, grabbing my hand

ive hated going to the doctor since i was little,

(which matt is very aware of.)

sadly he still wants me to go even though im begging him not to make me

(we both know he'll make me go)

"listen, i know you dont like going, but i'll be there the whole time okay? plus it's this appointment and then one more next month, and thats it."

i sigh in defeat, knowing i can't be upset when he makes it all better.

"fine but you're coming to the next one too." i say and he laughs

"its already in my calender" he says with a smile

i stare at the reminder on my phone about tomorrow's doctors appointment, remembering how matt promised he'd go to it with me.

but that was last month, and things were different then.

i feel tears fall down my face, remembering how much better things were with matt.

i go on messages and click on matts contact, debating on calling him.

i groan, putting my phone back in my pocket, driving to the appointment.

but i knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss, i knew you'd haunt all of my what if's

its been 2 months since everything, and me and matt have been texting a little bit since, thing's aren't the same, they never will be.

it'll never be like how it used to.

"matt! stop!" i say laughing

"get off!" i yell with laughter

if someone were to walk in right now, they'd see two lovestruck teenagers in matts bed.

he's currently tickling me to death and attacking me with kisses.

and even though i'm telling him to stop, in this moment, i feel like i've never been happier.

he stops his actions and his face hovers above mine, his eyes flickering to my lips

i smile, and he kisses me softy.

a kiss filled with love and passion, a kiss i'll never forget.

i knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired

me and nick have been on call for a while and somehow the topic stumbled on to matt and the girl i walked in on him with

"yeah i think matt's tired of her or something, me and chris don't really like her either" he says and my eyes widen

"what do you mean he's tired of her?" i ask

"well, he used to be more excited around her but now the most i see him smiling is when he's texting you"

nick says and my heart flutters

i can't go back to matt, not after what he did.

but i do really miss him, and i know he misses me too.

"you should start talking to him more, i know he really hurt you after what he did but i think he's truly changed, he seems just- i dont know- different." nick rambles on

"i dont know nick... after what he did, if he's really changed, he's gonna have to prove it to me." i say.

i knew you'd come back to me.

"happy birthday to y/n, happy birthday to you!" the party sings and i blow out my candles

i am happy, but i can't help but feel like somethings missing.

all my friends and family are here, everyone i know and love, everyone except matt.

i feel sadness fill my thoughts for a moment but brush it off, i can't be sad right now, not here, not today.

i watch as everyone encourages me to open gifts, agreeing while sitting down around the pile of presants.

i open them, listening to the chatter around me and the rain pouring from outside, opening all but 1.

"who's this one from?" i ask, laughing at the handwriting, but nobody answers.

i look around at everyone as they stay silent, making me look down at the writing again, instantly remembering that only matt writes his T's like that.

i smile, unwrapping the gift.

my eyes widen at the sight, its a necklace i said i wanted last year.

he remembered.

a smile, observing it, when suddenly there’s a knock at the door.

i look around, confused because everyone was already here, but still getting up to open the door.

i widen my eyes at the sight of matt, soaking wet, drenched by the rain.

"listen, i'm sorry, truly y/n. i was so fucked up for leading you on like that and then just throwing it all away, it's you y/n it's always been you. you're the one for me, and i know i messed up but i can't sit at home re-reading our texts and watching our old videos, i want you back- please i- i need you back." he says, voice hoarse from crying, tears streaming down his face.

"i-" i try to find the words to respond, but can't

i step out onto the porch where he was standing, letting the rain drench me as well.

pulling matt in, kissing him.

a kiss that will forevermore top any other kiss.

a kiss filled with need and desire, a desire to just be close to eachother again.

we pull away after what feels like forever, and he places his forhead against mine.

"you're always gonna be my favorite"

[noodyl-blasstal]

Pretty huge Doughnuts

The word count's droppin', but I'm not stoppin' - @taznovembercelebration day 15. Prompt "baby"

Read below or on Ao3. Missed yesterday's catch it here.

-

“You’re doing what now?”

“Planning Lup a baby shower.”

“Lup’s pregnant?” Barry’s voice is doing something high pitched and weird and Taako’s unsure exactly what the fuck is going on, but someone’s forgotten they have like 8 PhDs.

“Wanna think that through, Barold? Do you think that maybe she might have told you if she’d cracked that one.”

Barry looks less panicked. “Yeah… fair. Uh.”

“Anyway.” Taako ploughs on valiantly, he’ll pull this one out at a later date, once Barold thinks he’s forgotten. “I’m planning a baby shower for her.”

“If she’s not pregnant…” Barry starts.

“Which she isn’t.” Taako adds, helpfully.

“Yeah. Uh. Which she isn’t.” Barry looks pale still, poor, sweet idiot. “... then why are you throwing her a baby shower?”

“It took her more than nine months to birth the thesis” Taako says, he shrugs because it’s obvious, obviously. He doesn't know why literally no one so far has understood. They're definitely the problem.

Barry’s still scrunkling his face up like Taako's being irrational. The joke's on him because Taako's never irrational.

“She’s had a tonne of appointments.”

“Uh huh.”

"She brought new life into the world."

"The necromancy thing isn't part of the main thesis after, you know, the legal issues."

“I meant the concepts, not the zombie. Anyway the university are cowards for not embracing him." Before they get into the ethics of free education after reanimation Taako diverts Barry again. "She had to do that scan.”

“What scan? Wait, Taako, do you mean the MRIs she did for the data collection?”

“Now you get it.”

“I…”

“Cha’boy found this banner.” Taako unfurls it dramatically and holds it up, it’s gold and spangly and far too much, which is, of course, the perfect amount.

“Congratulations, it’s a…” Reads Barry.

“PhD!” Taako replies. “I’m gonna write it in and add flames. It’ll be great.”

“She’ll love the flames.” Says Barry, probably trying to tactfully dissuade Taako from the rest. Optimistic fool.

“I made a game for us where we have to guess the circumference of her thesis. There's prizes.”

“Is the thesis measurement bound or unbound?” Asks Barry far too fast. Oooooh, Taako has him on board now. Suddenly he loves BaPhD showers.

“No can do, Bluejeans, you wouldn’t want to cheat, would you? Wouldn’t want to ruin Lup’s special day by making it all about winning?”

“No.” Says Barry, unconvincingly.

“No cheating, Barold!”

Barry doesn’t say anything. Taako never should have taken Bluejeans under his wing, he’s created a monster.

“What’s a baby snack?”

"Mush?"

"No, like, for this."

“Are you asking what a baby thesis would eat?” Barry sounds more delighted by the concept than he should be.

“Baby researchers, I assume.” Chews them up, spits them out, not that Taako’s bitter. He’s fine. He can come back any time. Any time the police get round to officially clearing him. Not that it’s a problem, he’s not bothered about his degree anyway. He’s peachy. It’s not weird to see Lup get her doctorate before him when they were supposed to do it together.

Barry seems to realise he’s triggered some kind of horror even though Taako's definitely doing an incredibly normal face. He's going to try sand be nice about it.

“What are PhD snacks?” He asks before Barry can say anything kind.

“Pretty huge doughnuts.” Barry replies without hesitation. Taako knew there was a reason he kept him around.

Taako makes a note in his phone. Giant doughnuts mean giant frying, mean big oil, mean big pan.

“Why’re we making big doughnuts?” Kravitz asks, cracking the door to his room.

Of course it was food discussion that summoned him from his regimented work schedule (ignoring what he needed to do because he got distracted by other things and then panic typing up everything for his deadline.) It bodes well for Taako’s ongoing wooing, the stuff about hearts and stomachs was true probably, but Taako was also hoping to make his way to Kravitz’s di…

“Taako’s throwing Lup a surprise baby shower.” Barry cuts through Taako’s wandering thoughts. “We’re planning the menu.”

“Oh.” Says Kravitz. “For her PhD? Neat!”

-

Hey, hey, enjoyed that? Find the next prompt here!

[rotationalsymmetry]

A Spoonful of Sugar

I'm a teenager. It's a school day and my alarm just went off. 20 minutes later one of my parents sticks their head in my room to complain that I'm not up yet.

I'm a kid, not sure what age exactly. My dad comes in and pretends to be a dog to wake me up. (This has happened many times. He does it with the exact same phrasing and intonation and pretty much the same set of behaviors each time. Probably got it from a parenting book or something.) Kid-me finds this hilarious and an excellent way to start the day.

I'm an adult, early to mid 20's, with a group of other mostly young people in New Orleans post-Katrina, to tear down houses contaminated with black mold at the request of their owners (mostly black people) so that even if they don't have a house any more at least they own the land. If we don't do this, the city will hire people to do it at the owners' expenses and seize the property (ie the now vacant lot) if the owners don't pay it back. Anyways, point is, someone comes around with a guitar and a song when it's time to wake up.

I'm thinking about all the things parents of babies and toddlers and otherwise very young children do to cajole them into doing things. Stickers and little prizes. Oh, you aren't sure you want to eat that? What if the spoon was an airplane flying around, what then? Which toothbrush do you want to use, the red one or the blue one? (I loved getting to choose my school supplies, what cartoon characters the pencils had on them, the erasers shaped like fruit that didn't really erase, all that.) Bedtime routines. Bath toys.

Little kids are still young enough to make it everyone else's problem when they're forced to do something they don't want. So, everyone else finds ways to make it so that it isn't being forced, so that the kid wants whatever has to happen. Gummy vitamins. Chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs.

But adults, teens, older kids, have enough self control for that fight to be strictly internal, and often when other people stop cajoling us into doing what's best for us we don't pick up the slack ourselves, we push instead of finding ways to pull. And one thing I love about this site is the genre of posts that are about finding ways to get yourself to want to go into the carrier.

I've been pretending I'm in ninja training while brushing my teeth. Do not ask me how tooth-brushing prepares me to be a ninja. I got the idea to stick though. I've been using mnemonics -- ridiculous association mind games -- to practice remembering people's names, something I've always been bad at to my embarrassement. I have so many things I don't really want to do but that I think I should do. Sometimes it's not fun silly stuff, sometimes it's more sort of stoic reframing, like "ok I'm dreading this doctor's appointment because I'm telling myself it'll be frustrating and a waste of time, I can't make sure it's not a waste of time but there is some chance it won't be a waste of time and if so then showing up is doing the right thing, and I can make sure that I show up" (and so I give myself a good grade in showing up to a doctor's appointment, something that may or may not be normal to want but is in fact possible to achieve as long as you're doing the grading yourself, or can convince someone else to do it for you.)

I'm trying to notice intrinsic joy more. Taking a shower feels good so I get free "reward" as long as I'm noticing that it feels good. Physically moving my body, stretching and using my muscles, at least some of the time, feels good. Resting can feel good. Routines like having tea in the morning feel good and give me something to look forward to and some sort of continuity in my life, predictability. This feels good. This feels good. This feels good. This feels good.

[dizzyluc]

Incoming vent rant (needed to air out my anger after the past 3 days, considering my pain level I'd say is at a 6 out of 10, and the more constant pain I'm in, the more pissed I get lol...)

This month, let alone this week, has not been kind to me... and it's only Tuesday, THE THIRD ">_> When this month starts off shitty due to something personal related (not health related thankfully, (although it IS insurance related is all I'll say, it could definitely be worse though, but...) it's actually put me in a pretty pissy mood these past few days, which I'm praying Friday it's taken care of, so hoping Friday goes over well) Monday, my "rest up before a long ass week" day, I had to take my car in to get an oil change as my light just lit up, went to a "Take 5" and after waiting 30 minutes, being inside the place that does it, with my car off cause no idea when they would actually just "start" doing stuff... "Oh, we don't have the right thing to change your oil, so we can't do it." THANKS FOR SAYING IT AFTER MAKING ME WAIT (instead of checking real quick if it can be done... then having me wait for everyone that came before me go... although I think they were understaffed too) Then after, I go to a local donut place, that I have been trying to get a coconut flavor for, for WEEKS, even went the day before and they said "oh we will have it tomorrow!" and they still didn't have it... (they have said this 3 times now at this point) pretty much making my outing a complete waste of time. Today being Tuesday? I've been almost crashed into 6+ times (at least twice my mom yelped at people almost creaming me) The donut place, after saying I'd be back at noon today? "It will be ready at 5-6 today!" How. Many. Times... I drop my mom off for her appointment, which normally this one takes 3 hours due to ALWAYS being behind, get a Slurpee... which tasted like a cheap drink... and then every place I went to, for SOME reason, after lunch? Big lines. I get done with the final place almost, expecting to get back and chill and relax after such a hectic afternoon and week so far... (after picking up a pizza cause a good deal usually happened at a certain pizza place nearby on Tuesdays) Mom texts: Oh, I'm just about done, there was no one in the doctor's office today! So we can keep doing errands once you get back! Me thinking... "Can I get just 5 minutes... FIVE. MINUTES." Dealt with more cars trying to ram me (If you go to Florida, be VERY CAUTIOUS about driving here, the people are lunatic drivers, even more so lately it feels like, literally had to slam on my brakes twice today because people THINK THEY OWN THE ROAD, TO PULL OUT IN FRONT OF ME) After finally eating today (I only had donut holes at this point btw today... it was pizza though, but...)

I think my nerves from all the shit happening these past few days finally caught up to me and I got nauseated for like an hour or so, which going back to the donut place didn't help (it still wasn't ready when I got there, it was almost 6 pm) and after they brought it out... it wasn't even the right donuts. "Wait, OHHHH... you wanted the white, coconut donuts we served like, 3 months ago right? With the coconut drizzle? Oh yeah, no that was discontinued." Me thinking: ... I LITERALLY TOLD YOU THIS EVERY TIME "I want the coconut donut that had white frosting, and coconut flakes drizzled on top of the donut" I got whatever the hell they made, got home, let dogs out (while it pretty much was almost raining) and it took me 2 hours to get a shower and now lay down in bed. ... and it just keeps going tomorrow lol... (Gotta be ready by noon, and will be out probably till 6 or so doing "Military Monthly run" aka pick up medicine, pick up veterinarian stuff for dogs, maybe mail some stuff or do a bank run (these 2 not always), followed by pick up cards and any random stuff at the Base Exchange, then the Commissary for almost 2 hours for the family monthly grocery supply [and this is why I call it "grocery day" as it's an all day affair, that literally is dedicated for goods for the month])

[sailorsharky]

⚓️Journal of a Sailor V⚓️

Foreword:

Terribly sorry for the long wait on this log, I've been quite busy with some personal matters once I got back home, along with resting up. My injuries have healed up well so far, my ribs just hurt a bit still. But through that time it completely slipped my mind to post this part of the log. Still, just know that I'm safe and sound and on the road to recovery. And once I am all healed up, I plan to return to sea once again. My deepest apologies for keeping you in the dark for so long. Fair winds and followin' seas to you.

----------------------------------------- -= Log: 2 =-

-= Day: 8 =-

-= Time of writing: 2041 =-

-= Weather conditions: Mostly sunny, occasional clouds. Wind and swell picking up toward the evening. =-

Hello again, dear logbook.

I'm afraid I don't have much news to report on for today, as my day consisted of the usual duties. Dredging is still ongoing and will take a while longer to complete. After which, we can pick up the last section of the rig and bring it back to port. But that won't be for a while longer.

-= Day 9 =-

-= Time of writing: 1702 =-

-= Weather conditions: Overcast with moderate wind. =-

Welp... It's one injury after the other.

I bruised my ribs earlier on, and that meant I was relegated to light duties. Even so, there was still some stuff to do here and there.

I had to shift the gangway and I did so with a ratchet strap. It all went fine until I started pulling the strap out once finished, and because of my ribs, I could only really pull with my left arm.

And that's when I severely pulled a muscle between my neck and shoulder.

I'm unable to do any more work because of this and so, my contract is coming to a close much earlier than I'd hoped for.

We'll be leaving for port again soon, due to upcoming bad weather here on the North Sea. Then I'm signing off and going for a doctor's appointment.

Still, it's not all bad news.

My colleagues do like the cut of my jib, and I'm free to return for a new contract once I'm fit again. So that's what I plan on doing.

But for the time being, my tour at sea is over because of these injuries.

-= Day 10 =-

-= Time of writing: 0609 the next day. =-

-= Weather conditions: Partially cloudy. =-

Nothing much to report on. Injuries are still just as bad.

We have lifted anchors and are underway back to port as the weather is taking a turn for the worse, so we cannot continue with decommissioning of the rig.

Chances are high that I'll be heading home once in port, as I'm of little use aboard at the moment.

I will return to this company once I'm fit again though. At least, that's the plan. Though given how long it takes for bruised ribs to heal, that'll take a few weeks.

That's all for now.

-= Day 11 =-

-= Time of writing: 1016 the next day. =-

-= Weather conditions: Cloudy, windy with frequent l rainshowers. =-

Nothing to do. Asked around if anybody had anything that I could help with. Deck, bridge, even the kitchen. Nothing.

Day's passing by slowly. Finished another of the three books I brought with me.

Will arrive in port soon, more on that in the following entry.

-= Day 12 =-

-= Time of writing: 1836 =-

-= Weather conditions: Overcast with occasional rain in the morning. Partly cloudy in the afternoon. =-

Paperwork is signed, the waiting is almost done and I'm sitting on the quay, waiting for transport back home.

It's a shame that I couldn't stick around for the full four weeks of the contract. I'm missing out on the most interesting part of the salvaging operations, but it can't be helped. What I need to do now is rest up back home and let my ribs, neck and back recover from the punishment I put them through by bad luck.

I've bid farewell to my crewmates, and was wished well and hopes for a speedy recovery, and I hope to see them again soon, as this vessel and her crew, for all the hard work and pain it gave me, was kind to me in other ways.

But alas, sometimes these things happen, and there's nothing you can do other than to try again at a later time.

So, with that, this log comes to an end, sooner than I'd anticipated, but with the hope of resuming it soon after recovery.

✨️May Polaris guide you always.✨️

End of Log V.

[gwydionmisha]

Personal: 12/23/23 AM

All but two of the Millennials are off visiting family right now. Over the course of the year, I've been inducting Newest Millennial into assorted seasonal activities that we do as a friend group, like swim in the lake, secret pumpkin/my birthday party/Friend Fest, etc.. When we were doing Friend Feast planning, Newest Millennial wanted to know if there was some sort of end of December Party. I was like, most people are gone and I'm not Christian, so I do what a lot of the people who aren't christian do in big north east Cities for Christmas Eve: get Asian Food. (I explained the origin, etc., which I'm going to leave out here).

They found the idea delightful, so I was like: Do you want to see if Goth Millennial wants to come and the three of us can have a nice dinner and hang out? And newest Millennial loved the idea. None of us are Christian in different ways. For Goth Millennial and I, this is our home; there is nowhere really to go back too. Though I have a couple family members living in other parts of the country, none of us travel anymore. Newest Millennial has family but there are no important holidays in their religion this time of year this year. (Squirrel is also non-christian, and what little family he has left is local, but he works all this weekend. Also, he's not into vegetarian Asian food).

So we got to mid-December and I'm like: do we want to do Christmas Eve? Solstice? One of the nights in between? We ended up picking Friday for assorted reasons, and had a really nice hang out with dinner and presents and tarot, which I like to do at the turning in any case. I am now up to two shirts I can wear post surgery, which means I will have something to wear when the other is in the wash. I suspect that I will spent most of the two weeks with my arm immobilized just running around in sweat pants or boxers, so I can save the shirts for Doctor's appointments and the like. I have a couple other shirts I can use when I'm in the limited motion recovering period. I'm hoping it will be all right.

There is talk of a potluck Saturday the 30th which sounds perfect. I don't like leaving the house at night on major drinking holidays, and my part of town is extra bad on those, plus full of cops looking for an excuse to pull people over. Goth Millennial and Newest Millennial don't drink, and I basically only drink for weddings and wakes (Election night 2016 counted as a Wake. I still have left over alcohol from that, gathering dust for the next close to me death or National Disaster). None of us have partners and like quiet evening at home better than loud drunk parties, etc..

All this may explain my posting pattern.

Man, I miss when there was most of a month of quiet in the news cycle to catch up on stuff. It's been firehouse of news since 2o16. Sigh. There used to be one around August too, but that went out when Republicans decided to make it wander the country saying and doing horrific shit season. These days it's democratic politicians try to talk Republicans into doing the bare minimum of their job season. Sigh. anyway, I'm doing my best.

[chaosdisorganized]

My job fucked me over yet again. All my shifts for July were canceled and their needs list only had like 6 facilities, all of them 2+ hours away from me. My appointment for my physical and tb test is this Tuesday so with any luck I'll get in with that new job relatively soon.

The workers compensation stuff for my boyfriend has been slow moving. The hospital hasn't sent over his records even though his case worker has requested them 3 times now. We're going to the hospitals medical records department either sometime this weekend or on Monday and see if talking to someone there gets the ball rolling because the sooner the BWC gets those records, the sooner he can start being compensated for his injury. He also sees a spine specialist on Wednesday and they'll hopefully be able to figure out why he's in so much pain and what's wrong with his back. He's been suffering from this injury for a few weeks now so hopefully the spine doctor will be able to give him some real help and treatment. We've been to the hospital twice now and the urgent care once and all they've done is poke his back a bit and say the same things and perscribe him medication for the pain. They say it's probably a pulled or strained muscle, I think it's a torn or ripped muscle but I'm not a doctor so my opinion doesn't really matter. They did do x-rays and fortunately nothing is wrong with his actual spine, so it's definitely a muscular issue.

Still struggling a lot financially and still accepting donations. All of this has been really hard on us and our mental health is declining rapidly. We keep splitting and are unstable again. All that progress we made in therapy is lost. The host group is bigger now, more frequent fronters and new splits hanging around. It's just been fucking awful.

Anyways, DM for donation information, we have CA, PP, and VMO (abbreviated to avoid shadowban)

[planetarybound]

Feeling better today. Long personal post about lots of stuff. 🙂

Finally felt like the dark cloud that's been over me since the transphobic therapist appointment is dissipating, still not feeling as good as I was before then though. Had a wonderful morning video chatting @mercuryrisinginvirgo for a couple of hours. We went to the gas station and I got some more energy drinks and taquitos, and I couldn't ask for a better beginning to the day.

Last night my mom got drunk and went rambling about how I used to line up my toy cars and planes into perfect straight lines, but when I said maybe I'm autistic, she adamantly denied that and said I'm perfectly normal. So I mentioned how I had extreme anxiety and used to chew my fingernails to the bone, and then chew my fingertips to the bone once the fingernails were gone, but she didn't interact with that at all. Then went on about how she pulled me out of the private Christian school I was in as soon as I wasn't happy with it, which is wrong.

(I wanted out in 4th grade, by 5th grade I was suicidal and kicking and screaming in the car begging not to go, but was forced to go anyway, after a month of faking a fever to stay home, and would come home in tears begging to get out of there.)

Got me wondering how different things would have been if I could've gotten screened for and gotten some help for autism or other things.

I didn't know anything about trans stuff, but when I was 20 I definitely checked a bunch of boxes for gender dysphoria as well. I might have been having an autistic meltdown right around my 21st birthday, but instead of anyone treating it as anything like that, I ended up in a jail cell and did 60 days in adseg, followed by probation and psychiatry for a condition where way fewer boxes were checked.

And none of them are, now. They should still be, if that's what it were, but they aren't. But just...

Living a no income no nothing life at home on antipsychotics, until I was 26 and got approved for SSI, but then things went to hell in my house once again and I became homeless, and ended up in a halfway house, followed by moving back with family before covid.

That last night got me thinking of how different it all could've been. Wish I had more, or better direction than what I got back then.

Following a doctor in Oklahoma that realized she was trans made me go digging through my older blog posts on this and other blogs I had, and it reminded me of a lot of things I had repressed and forgotten. I took a gender identity test around a month ago, and here were the results.

Not sure what it means, or how different it would be if I were more independent than being forced into a son role at all times with zero privacy.

Anyway. I can't wait to be out of the house all day everyday until I can get to a different living situation. There's got to be something better than this life I'm currently living.

Big thank you to @mercuryrisinginvirgo for being there for me throughout everything. Not sure I'd be here right now if it weren't for her, and a big thank you to all of you who are here expressing yourselves on tumblr. You've all helped me so much, and don't even know it.

[casspurrjoybell-26]

💖Sweet Revenge💖 - Chapter 4

*Warning Adult Content*

Blake Welling

I have a confession to make.

I have basically no tolerance for spicy food.

The truffle thing I ate was delicious... heavenly even but it was also really spicy and I need to get away from the cute candy-maker guy before I lose my shit.

I dash back across the street, not even bothering to look this time and take refuge in my shop, where I promptly chug half a liter of water.

It doesn't help at all but it's all I have on hand.

Ten uncomfortable minutes later, the burning subsides and I'm able to think of something other than pain.

Well, actually I think of high school, which is almost the same thing. What I told candy-guy, Aaron, was true.

I was an asshole in high school.

I was the star of the track team, friends with a bunch of dickhead jocks and so deep in the closet, I didn't even know it had a door.

But I don't remember being any worse than any other dumbass kid and I certainly don't remember doing anything that would make someone still hate me for it ten years down the road.

It makes me curious and nervous.

I've been assured that the accident didn't affect my memory in any way but I still worry that the doctors might be wrong.

If I'd done something terrible, how could I make up for it if I don't remember what it was?

I write myself a note to ask Dr. Patreski about it after physical therapy the following day.

~♡~

The next morning, though, I get a nasty surprise when I walk down from my little apartment behind my store and go to start my truck.

The engine makes a grinding, grating noise, there's a muffled 'pop' and then... nothing.

"Shit... Shit, shit, shit..." I bang my fist on the steering wheel.

I've already missed the last two appointments and if I miss this one, Dr. Patreski's office has threatened to drop me as a patient.

It's not like she's the only physical therapist in the area but I trust her and I like her and I promised I wouldn't fuck things up for myself yet again.

I pop the hood and get out to see a cloud of steam rising from beneath it.

"Mother Hubbard, piece of shit," I swear, kicking the tire and instantly regret it.

I do it with my good leg but my bad one goes out on me and I lose my balance.

I catch myself on the side of the truck and a whole new flock of curses escapes my mouth on filthy wings.

"Hey, everything okay?" I turn and see Aaron the candy-guy looking at me with a curious expression, like I'm something strange and unexpected and not altogether welcome... an unknown substance or a weird stain maybe but even in my distressed state, I appreciate how trim and neat he looks in his black slacks, white shirt and candy-striped apron.

I tear my eyes away from the patch of smooth, honey skin revealed by his open collar.

"No. My God-damn truck just blew up and I have an appointment in Felton I can't miss," I say digging out my cell-phone.

"Does Uber work around here? Or is there a bus or something?"

He stands for a minute without moving or speaking and I begin to wonder if he's just going to watch me have my crisis like it's the local 5 o'clock news.

I'm just about to lose my temper when he speaks.

"I was planning to go into Felton this afternoon for supplies... but I can go now and give you a lift, if you want," he says, looking at my truck's steaming hood.

"Yes. Oh my God, yes, please. I'll give you gas money," I pull out my wallet.

"Here."

I try to hand him a twenty but he just makes a face.

"I don't want your money. When's your appointment?"

"Ten-thirty."

"Alright. Let me get my stuff and we'll go. That's my car there," he points to a little grey Fiat further down the street.

"Here," he tosses me his set of keys.

"Make yourself comfortable. I'll be back in a minute."

He turns and walks back to his own store, vanishing inside.

I feel kind of weird but I go and unlock his car and get in on the passenger side.

It's compact, more than a few years old and definitely a base model.

On the other hand, it's clean and obviously well-cared for.

I like it and it seems to fit him somehow.

A minute later he returns.

He's changed into dark jeans and a black t-shirt and somehow the casual clothes make him look even younger than he already does.

When I first saw him in the store, I'd assumed he was an employee because I'd thought he was twenty-two at most.

Now he looks barely legal.

"What?" he snaps, frowning at me. I realize I was staring.

"Sorry. I'm just... er... upset about my truck. Is it really okay for you to leave your store like this? Won't it impact your business?"

"I've got someone coming in. At least, as long as no one dies, and all the alligators are accounted for."

"Um?"

I'm kind of lost but I forge on.

"Anyway, thanks for offering to drive me."

"Sure, don't mention it. Where are we going, anyway?"

I give him the address and he puts it into his phone's GPS.

"A doctor's office?" he asks, then blushes.

"Sorry. None of my business."

"No, it's okay. It's just physical therapy."

"Oh?"

He doesn't press but after a few seconds, I'm compelled to tell him anyway.

"I got hit by a drunk driver about two years ago. I was riding my bike through this quiet little town... the kind of place you never expect anything bad to happen... and BOOM... out of nowhere, this guy just hits me coming off a side street. Shattered my left leg. I'm just glad they could save it... although from the X-Rays it looks like I've got more metal than bone in there at this point. That's kinda why I opened the shop. I'm not competing in any rides any time soon but at least I can provide some fuel for other people's dreams."

He keeps his eyes on the road but I can see from his profile that his expression is troubled.

"I'm sorry. That sounds... rough."

"Well, it ain't been smooth," I laugh.

"That's for sure but I know it could've been a hell of a lot worse and I've got a lot to be grateful for."

The corner of his mouth dips down in a little twitch of a frown.

"What about you?" I prompt.

He looks over and his crystal blue eyes are wide and bright.

"What about me?" he asks.

"What are you going into Felton for? Supplies, you said, right?"

I don't know what I said wrong but the iron curtain drops again and his face is suddenly as expressionless as a porcelain doll's.

"Oh, yeah," he says.

"That's right. Supplies."

[timeoverload]

Today was bad and I'm glad it's over already. I did 25 cases between 7 and noon and had 3 rooms going at the same time while trying to manage the department by myself because so many people were gone again. I definitely overexerted myself and I was stressed about other stuff and I ended up having a panic attack and throwing up. My anxiety is out of control today. My stomach is still in knots but at least I'm home now. It was nice of them to let me leave 3 hours early because that never happens anymore. I hope I start feeling better soon but I'm planning on just going to bed after I finish writing this.

The good news is that tomorrow I'm going to be celebrating because it has been 2 years since I survived sepsis. I got sepsis because I had a horrible kidney infection and acute cystitis that didn't respond to treatment initially.

The week before I was admitted to the hospital, I had to go to urgent care because I was so sick that I was losing control of my bodily functions. My kidneys and liver weren't functioning properly and were starting to shut down so my skin was turning yellow. I was so nauseous and couldn't eat and my right kidney hurt so bad. I remember my ex was fighting with me that afternoon because he needed attention and didn't care that I wasn't feeling good. His needs were always top priority. I still remember how he berated me because I didn't have the strength to satisfy him and he was really mean to me when he didn't get what he wanted. He didn't take me seriously at first when I told him I felt like I was dying because I always felt bad and also tried to make me go out and do stuff anyway even though I could barely stand up straight. He didn't seem to notice or care how bad I looked or that I was shaking. He finally agreed to take me to urgent care because I was having a hard time breathing and couldn't control my bladder and I was bleeding. I remember going in the bathroom and looking in the mirror and seeing a corpse staring back at me. When we finally got to urgent care, I had never been so confused and disoriented in my life and I struggled to fill out the paperwork without collapsing. I received oral antibiotics and a shot of Rocephin in the butt and that was extremely unpleasant. That made some of the symptoms subside temporarily but the infection didn't go away and it got worse as the week went on. Antibiotic-resistant infections are so scary and are becoming more prevalent.

I was in so much pain that week before I went to the hospital that I spent most of my time curled up on the couch in the fetal position and screaming a lot because I couldn't help it. I knew the medicine wasn't working and I was scared. I remember my ex coming home angry because I had been off work for a couple days due to the issues I was having. He thought I was being dramatic when I was crying. He was mad because I had been home and I wasn't doing any cooking or cleaning or being productive and so I had to get up and force myself to clean some stuff so he would get off my ass. It made me feel so much worse but he didn't care. I literally had to beg him to help me with things. The next day I made a doctor's appointment because I couldn't take the pain anymore. If I wouldn't have gone to the doctor when I did, I probably would be dead. She told me I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately and so I went and had to spend the night by myself because of covid restrictions. I was so dehydrated that it took them forever to get the IV in my arm. They kept stabbing me with huge needles and running tests and took so much blood from me. I was on IV antibiotics for 24 hours. It was a lonely and painful experience but I'm glad I pulled through. That would have been a very excruciating death. I'm thankful for modern medicine but I'm also afraid of being hospitalized now.

During the night I spent in the hospital, I spent a lot of time thinking about how unhappy I was with my life at the time. Even though I felt like shit, that was the first night I had spent alone in years and I couldn't believe how peaceful it was. It felt like the veil had been lifted from my eyes. That was when I officially decided that I was ready to leave my ex after contemplating the decision for a long time. It took years to build up the courage. I told myself I had to find a way leave if I survived. I didn't know how. He tried to be really nice to me after I was released from the hospital and shower me with gifts but I was so done after how he treated me. I was always loyal to him for almost 10 years, even when he treated me like garbage and was talking to other women. He kept trying to have an open relationship because he wanted to date other people but still have control over me. I never talked to anyone else. Going to get tattooed and going to work were the only things I was able to do by myself. He didn't really like that I was getting tattooed all the time though and would fight with me about it. I will just admit right now that going to the tattoo shop and seeing Maxwell was the only thing that made me happy at the time because I felt safe and accepted there. I wish it wouldn't have taken so long to get away from my ex and I thought I was going to die if I tried to leave but I'm glad I did it. I had to make a plan for myself and rebuild my strength. I was so afraid for my life but I didn't give up.

I tried to reach out to people to get help for months before I actually left because I didn't think I could do it on my own but no one would help me except my dad. No one took me seriously because I didn't know how to ask. I was just so fucking scared and I didn't know what to do.

Maxwell I'm sorry I tried to bother you back then right before I broke up with him in November 2021. I remember how mad you were at me for trying to ask to text you when I came in for a consultation. I don't blame you. I'm glad you let me come back anyway. I think you misinterpreted what I wanted because I wasn't trying to be unfaithful to him in the process but I suppose I was in a way because I can't say that I didn't have feelings for you. I was just lost and needed help and a friend. I just wanted to tell you what was going on. I was afraid to mention it while I was getting tattooed and also was afraid to talk about what was going on online because I was terrified he would find out and hurt me. I was so stupid for even saying anything to you in the first place. I still get embarrassed just thinking about it and I cried so much that day. I was seeking safety and guidance because I didn't have any at the time. I didn't know how to help myself because I was so used to someone else dictating most of my decisions. I've always had a tough time speaking up when I need help and I think my parents could attest to that. I was unstable and feeling impulsive when I did that. You were the only person other than my dad that I knew wouldn't hurt me and that I could trust.

I knew you and I were twin flames from the day we met. I knew about twin flames before I met you and I didn't think you would actually come along so I think that's part of the reason I'm so crazy. I couldn't believe it. Before I met you, I thought I was just going to be miserable forever. You helped me realize that I deserve to be treated better and you have always been such a gentleman. Thank you for that. I didn't think I could meet a man like you because I have had so many bad experiences. I also knew you were reading my blog and that we had an unexplainable connection between us so I was just being delusional and dumb and thought you would come to my rescue at the time for some reason. I have been truly ashamed of myself since I did that. I'm not a perfect person at all. I know I have made a lot of mistakes and I'm trying to learn from them and own up to it. It was still innapropriate and wrong and I wish I wouldn't have done that. I guess you live and learn. I should have never tried to ask you for help. I'm sorry again and I understand if you can't forgive me for that. I understand why you didn't want to trust me after that. I'm so bad at communicating sometimes. I just want to be honest with you because I don't feel right not telling you the truth. I hope you understand. That was the only time in my life I have ever done anything like that and will never do it again because I know that I won't let anyone put me in that position again where I felt helpless. You did the right thing by saying no to me and not getting involved and I'm glad you didn't get hurt because I care about you so much. I suppose you did encourage me to deal with stuff on my own and I did it and I'm free now. When we broke up I was honest with him and I told him I had feelings for someone else because I know I deserve to be treated better and that I was tired of him treating me like garbage and throwing me around like a rag doll.

I'm glad I have chosen to be celibate since I left him and I haven't dated or talked to anyone. People at work try to flirt with me but I don't feed into it because I don't want that. I want to get away from it so bad and that's why I complain about it. I don't like dating apps because they are scary and I tried those in high school and ended up in some really bad situations that I wish I could forget about. I'm too afraid of getting my ass beat again so it's better if I just stay home and not talk to anyone. I have been thinking about how much inner strength I have gained by being alone. I get a little crazy sometimes but I'm not going to let loneliness get to me. I deserve to be with someone who will appreciate me and protect me, especially when my life is in danger. I would rather stay single than settle for anything less. All I want is to be able to commit and love someone forever and feel safe and happy.

I'm also going to be celebrating my freedom tomorrow. I'm happy that I have accomplished so much in the last 2 years and I've become a lot more independent so I'm proud of that. I'm not exactly where I want to be in life but it feels good to set goals and actually achieve them. I am still grateful that I was given a second chance to live even though it hasn't been easy since then. I have had to be a lot more careful because it is more likely for me to have recurrent sepsis if I get an infection in the future. I read a study recently about how people that survive severe sepsis have a higher ongoing mortality rate for years even after treatment. It has definitely changed me a lot physically and mentally and I'm not as strong as I used to be. My health has really gone downhill from there. It doesn't help that I was born so early and I have so many other health issues going against me simultaneously. I really need to keep trying to take better care of myself because I want to live a long and happy life. I would like to be a mom someday. I want to have a family. I don't want to be a statistic. I'm not sure how much time I have left at the rate I'm going but I'm going to try to make the most of it and count my blessings. I will continue working on myself every day. I need to try to be more positive because I know I am very lucky to be alive. I'm looking forward to going to my appointment tomorrow and I'm going to do my best to make it a better day than today was no matter what happens.

[cheesus-doodles]

Yo is it just me or does it make sense for yandere kokonoi (and maybe inui too) to keep a very close eye on darling's medical appointments and physical health? Cuz he definitely was traumatized when he lost akane... so i'm thinking he'd be the type to run them to the doctor's over a small fever- since he has those resources now, he'd want to use them every chance he can.

(idk it just reminded me of how i have an uncle who grew up in an area where it was really hard to find/buy shoes, so now that he lives in a better place, at least once a month he'll try to buy shoes for me. I think that koko might develop similar behavior but with medical stuff instead of shoes)

ah I do love me some Koko love. I've been feeling kind down this week :/ back here to escape again - hopefully life has been kind to yall :)

Masterlist

‎

Ahh definitely sounds like Koko (and to a lesser extent, Inupi, no matter how much this boy denies it). Being unable to pull through for Akane all those years ago, now that Koko had the means, this boy was determined that he would never fail you the same way. He was your bestfriend after all, and he would make sure that you were well-cared for at all times, that you would never have to suffer even a single moment (or rather, he would never have to suffer through the potential mental trauma of losing someone so precious to him again).

Started out as just him pouring over you, anxiously wringing his hands whenever you have a sniffle even if its after coming out of an air-conditioned environment - you go along with it and allow Koko to indulge, dragging you to the doctor's whenever, because you don't want him to have another nervous breakdown like when you refuse. Somehow manages to pull Inupi into this as well when he finally gets to meet you - you and your mannerisms and the way you treated him remind this boy too much of Akane for him not to get involved in your life.

Koko definitely has a team of private doctors on his retainer and on call 24/7, all of whom are very well certified and come highly recommended, yet even still he can't quite trust them to see you without him or Inupi present. What if they didn't know how to properly handle someone as fragile as you? What if these "doctors" tried to fool around with you, or tell you all sorts of lies about him and Inupi, or tried to help you run away? The two of them make sure that they are there the whole check-up session, insisting that they can help to remember what was said, that they were making sure the doctor treated you right, honestly anything to convince you to let them sit in. And if words didn't work, crying always did the trick.

But when you start insisting that you were okay, that you really didn't need all the fussing and would like to stop having to see doctors every other day so you had time to attend school and do literally anything else, Koko would instead very guiltily start making you feel sick. Nothing serious of course, just enough to make you feel maybe weak in the limbs, or giddy in the head, enough to 'help' you to agree to yet another doctor's visit. A mild case of vitamins or sugar deficiency, some stomach discomfort - symptoms that are easy to induce and easy to resolve. The two definitely do collude to make you weaker as time goes on though - still nothing that could actually harm you. But you were a lot more agreeable and malleable when you didn't have the strength to do much more than sleep and eat, plus Koko had the opportunity to get you to see even more doctors and have more check ups.

And Koko and Inupi 100% absolutely loves it when you were so dependent on him - Koko especially loves helping to draw your blood every day for all the various blood tests that he orders under the watchful eye of a trained nurse (and then later on by himself), loves helping you swallow the variety of pills that you get prescribed for your various symptoms together combined with all the supplements he makes you take. Inupi secretly enjoying helping to spoon feed you and gently lifting you out of bed and into a wheelchair (refusing to let you walk even if you said you were feeling okay after that one time you fell over), pushing you around wherever you needed to go. And you were happy to repay them in anyway you could, letting the boys cuddle with you whenever they wanted (since you spend most of the days sleeping anyway), freely handing out affection and attention.

Once you "started getting better" and recovered your strength, Koko and Inupi definitely throw you an enormous party to celebrate - a cause to celebrate given that you were also finally starting to listen to them and give in to their strict supervision and close monitoring of your health.

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

White Lies (Pt. 20 of 21)

Pairing: Keanu Reeves X Reader

Word count: 1.6 K

Summary: Keanu found the girl almost dead, in the wrecks of what was once her car. While she was in surgery, stuck in a coma, he gathered the best doctors of New York to attend to her. They told him she is likely to have some kind of brain damage, what may lead to memory loss. And this possibility added up wit the fact that she's pregnant, made the council come up with an odd idea. They asked Keanu to pretend to be her husband, since the stress of finding out everything that happened could put the baby in danger. He reluctantly agreed, but only if she does has some kind of memory loss. He still goes she'll wake up soon, with her memories intact.

But when you finally wake up, there's nothing inside. You're quick to find your head is empty, void, like a blank canvas. The only thing that brings you some relief, that makes you feel less lonely is the mention of a husband. And you can't wait to meet him, because you know you can't deal with this by yourself.

<- Previous part (19)

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{Keanu Reeves Masterlist}

{John Wick Masterlist}

×

His

The moment you open the front door, you know something's off. It's night already, and you're sure, by how dark it is, that every single light is turned off. Keanu was supposed to stay with Liam as you went to your appointment with the psychologist. Another one, someone who will give you a different perspective. So you don't get why the house seems to be empty. He doesn't take Liam out without telling you, and you do the same, always letting the other know where you'll be.

“Keanu?” You call, throwing your purse on the couch and taking your heels off.

Fear starts creeping over your skin when you see something weird on the floor, some feet away. Walking there, you bend over to take it, and at the same moment you realize what it is, you see another, and another, and one more after, forming a trail that leads to the back of the house. Furrowing your eyebrows, you wonder why are there so many red rose petals on the floor.

“Keanu?” You call again, making your way to the backyard, an unusual yellowish light getting your attention. “What–” The words get caught on your throat when you notice more and more the petals, and as you follow and then, raising your head, your eyes go wide at the sight of the backyard, completely lit up by candles.

There's a table set in the middle and roses all over the place. Keanu stands by the table, in a damn suit, which makes him look even more handsome. Mouth half open, you take a look at everything, perfectly set, before starting at Keanu once again.

“Ke... What...” He moves his hand a little and a slow, soft song starts playing. You gasp, biting your lip.

“Can I have this dance?” He asks, and you nod, making your way over him and taking his hand on yours.

Keanu guides your arms around his neck, his big, warm hands resting on your hip, and it burns right through the delicate fabric of the green dress you're wearing. And then, you start moving, from side to side, following the rhythm.

“What's this about, Ke?” You have to ask. It's been a while since you decided to start dating. It does sound silly, given everything that happened, but you both thought it would be a good start. You also promised not to let out what happened between you two, since people wouldn't understand and you don't want to affect his career. You forgave him, wholeheartedly, and you know he did what he did to keep you safe.

“Just thought we needed a romantic dinner.” He simply says, taking your hand and pushing you away, so gently, before pulling you back into his arms. “And don't worry. Liam is with Mrs. Jackson.”

“Alright...” Raising an eyebrow, you look up at him. “Is it a special occasion? Like my birthday or something?” The day you were born was mentioned, but you didn't really pay attention.

“Not for a couple of months.”

“You're oddly mysterious tonight, Ke.” Tiptoeing, you place a kiss on his lips.

“What's wrong with a little bit of mystery?” When the song ends, he takes your hand, guiding you to the table.

“There's nothing wrong with it.” Shrugging your shoulders, you smile at him, taking your seat.

“I'll serve dinner. Give me a minute.” You nod as he walks back inside, taking the time to look around again.

The yard was never so beautiful, the candles casting soft, warm lights. There are red petals, scattered around the place, and roses on the centerpiece. Reaching out your hand, you take one, bringing it to your nose and breathing in the amazing scent.

“(Y/N),” Keanu calls when he's near you, and when you turn around, you don't find anything on his hands. “I was going to wait so we could have dinner first, but...” Taking your hand in his, Keanu pulls you up, and you furrow your eyebrows at him.

He takes a deep breath before searching for something on the inside of his suit, and you feel your blood running cold when he gets down on one knee.

Keanu reveals a small, dark box, and when he opens it, there's the most beautiful ring you've ever seen in it. It shines, lit up by the candles, and you see three stones, the one in the middle a little bigger than the others.

“(Y/N), I know it's only been some months since we started... Dating.” He begins, and you feel your hands shaking. “But everything happened to us in quite an unusual way and I'm completely in love with you.” You're already crying, a hand covering your mouth. “I thought I knew what love was, but I was so wrong. This is love, and it's... Undescribable. The way I feel when you walk in the room is... You own my heart, it's yours.”

Biting back a sob, you let him take your hand in his.

“So I couldn't wait anymore, beautiful. I want what we had while stuck on that lie to be real. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. Forever. So... (Y/N)... Do you want to be my wife?”

“Yes,” you mutter, a little too fast, but since you're not sure if he could hear it, you nod, watching as he slides the ring on your finger.

There are no words to describe this moment. As Keanu stands up again, welcoming you into his arms and lifting you up, and you know this is right. Maybe everything meant to lead you to this moment. You know there are important people you left behind, like Daniel, your first husband, but you can only count on what you remember. And maybe just maybe, this was meant to be since the beginning. And you're happy, beyond happy, to have found the love of your life.

So it doesn't take much until the preparations start. Actually, they start on the very next day. For the general public, you'll be just a wedding vow renewal, since you don't remember the first. But it doesn't matter what they think, only what you know.

Laura is overjoyed, and she takes it into her hands to help you with everything. The date is set for only two months after the proposal, so it gives you little time to put everything together. And Laura is as indecisive as you are about the wedding dress. You do want to know Keanu's opinion, but you really want it to be a surprise, so you manage to chose it without asking him.

Things start getting hectic as the day approaches, but thanks to Laura, and to some people Keanu hired to organize everything, stuff is getting done just in time. When the day comes, there's not a single thing that isn't perfect.

There weren't allowed any journalists, just a single photographer, who's friends with Keanu. You know the pictures will find their way online, and you're well aware of some paparazzi hiding away. But nothing else matters. When you say ‘I do’, dressed in white, eyes on the most handsome man on Earth, nothing else matters.

And when you kiss, sealing your love before all the guests, you finally understand the true meaning of happiness. And as you walk down the aisle, hand in hand with Keanu as he holds Liam in his free arm, you smile at the camera, barely able to believe your eyes.

Sometime later, you're watching Liam playing in Mrs. Jackson's arms as you're seated on Keanu's lap. It was just for some photos, but you decided to stay.

“I have some news. But only if you agree.” Keanu says, low voice on your ear.

“Let's hear it.”

“I thought about a week in the Caribean as a honeymoon. But in November, so Liam is a little older. And if you think he'd be alright without us for this period.” As he speaks, Keanu pulls your hair away, placing a kiss on your neck.

“If we can hire Laura as a babysitter, I think it'll be alright.” Biting your lip, you look down at him. “And you should at least try to control yourself, Mr. Reeves. There are still some hours before we can be alone.” Lowering your voice, you smirk, placing a kiss on his lips.

“Because you're so good on self-control, Mrs. Reeves.”

“Oh, I love my new name.” Kissing him again, you only pull away when a song starts playing. “Ok, we have to dance.” Jumping to your feet, you start moving already, holding his hand as you walk to the dance floor. The song is fast, so you get this chance to be all over Keanu the best you can without letting anyone else notice the teasing.

“Do you really think it's a good idea to tease your husband before the wedding night?” He asks, his huge hands coming to encircle your waist, pulling you against his chest.

“It's the best idea I ever had.” Winking, you turn around, moving along with the rhythm, rasing an eyebrow to see Laura dancing with Robert. That took some time, but you finally see something happening.

The rest of the party goes on wonderfully well, and when it's over, you go back home. Mr. and Mrs. Jackson offered to stay with Liam tonight, so you and your husband have the house to yourselves. You're not entirely surprised to find your bedroom all decorated with candles and roses. You love it, but before actually getting into bed, you completely fail on the self-control thing, joining Keanu in the shower.

But of course, it doesn't stop there, and in no time, the amazingly decorated bed is messed up, once again claimed as yours. And even though you're tired of the party and the ceremony, you can't stop. You can't have enough of Keanu, you can't have enough of finally being his.

×

@multific @inumorph @aestheticallywinchester @bvbwestfall @liviiii98 @allie1804-fan @gian-giannina @playboygeniusphilanthropist @partypoison00 @mariafetamina @fortheloveoffanfic @trin303 @june-harris

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Happy new year everyone 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I know 2020 has been hard for everyone.

And I want everyone to know, suffering isn't a contest and we all suffer in different ways. But I feel I should give my year in Review. Just some things that happened to me personally.

This was an intense, and long and spiritual and emotional journey for me...

I really discovered what it meant to have community, family and what my life means to me.

But I feel I need to get this in writing cause I can remember the year with vivid detail and I will probably forget if I don't get it down.

Do I have to share this publically online to my tumblr account for a bunch of strangers to see? not really.

Do I want to?

Yes. I think so. Just from how so many people on tumblr and real life have touched me.

This is kinda long and no one needs to read this.

(idk how to do a readmore on mobile. But this is where I would add it later. No one needs to read if they don't want to.)

January/February: (and some background on the last five years of my life cause.....well. it's important.)

As people knew, I got way into Invader Zim last summer. I spent most of my waking life working a dead end job at a grocery store. I lived a sad lonely life, going straight home to a single dark studio apartment. With not many material possessions outside of games, my laptop and my tablet to my name. Half of my material loves, such as home furnishings and books were still in boxes from when I moved in. In case I ever had to move again, or get some "big screenshot or copywriter" job in the city.

....

I lived in that city in the same dead end job and apartment for five years.

No friends. No social life. I often refused to make doctor appointments or attempt to establish myself in that city. I didn't even talk to anyone in my workplace.

Work. Go online. Go to sleep.

I lived like that for five years.

I thought it was good.

Even my therapist thought I was doing well.

When I really wasn't. My main character flaw I struggle with is motivation.

I can talk to someone about very detailed plans I have to fix a problem... But I tend to never follow through.

Just because I can describe in detail how to fix my personal problems, it doesn't mean I will do it.

(I have gotten better at this but it's a major struggle)

I might have been a Zombie during the day...

But by night I was pouring my soul into my AU and my analysis.

After being so thoughly ignored or overlooked by the Naruto fandom and the Undertale fandom, I felt like I had finally found my home and was settling into a community there.

I just loved that people loved what I had to say.

Especially my AU.

It's no secret that a lot of themes in my au revolve around found family, grief, and loss.......

Fatherhood, in particular.

What it means to be a father, how much do you need to try when you mess up, how willing should a child forgive their parent, especially those that have wronged you and how much of it is factually accurate and simply a self projection of what children want their parents to be and visa versa... What amount of forgiveness and change is nessasary...is it needed?

....

It's no secret that a lot of my AU is a giant coping mechanism for my Dad's death. Espessially the falling out and growing closer with a lot of my family members throughout the years following his death. (Most of the time I keep it ambiguous to how it relates to my personal life unless I include a readmore that states so outright. I feel my au can be enjoyed by a variety of people in the fandom who don't need to know me as a person or my life story.)

My Dad passed away in 2016 in February and my family still feels the aftershocks to this day.

It's part of the reason I moved to the city, alienated myself from my family and people that loved me and refused to experience life for five years.

My entire world was Zim, and I was okay.

March: When America finally realized and started to feel the effects of the pandemic....

A lot of people got scared.

Me included.

I didn't have any streaming services or access to the news. So I only heard accounts from my mom.

I didn't understand why the store was so dead quiet and empty for a few days, then it went into mass chaos and panic in the span of two days.

It felt like Retail black friday in the worst way. Everyone was packed like sardines. Everyone was yelling. The lines at the registers bled into the clothing department.

I was witness to customers shoving others for toilet paper, being rude to cashier's and just overall unpleasantness.

At the time, I didn't even fully grasp what the pandemic was, and I feel a lot of people at the time didn't either.

I ended up absentmindedly scratching my eyebrow in front of a customer and she screamed and villanised me for it. That they didn't want groceries touched by my "unclean hands"

I ended up breaking down into tears.

The customer behind me gave me a hug and told me I was doing a great job.

But the damage was done. It was the final straw, I couldn't stop crying and I was breaking apart.

Thankfully my Boss (the one who likes me) pulled me aside and asked what's wrong.

It was then that I quit. No notice. Same day. I had to get out of there.

I was planning to move to an apartment with my sister in the summer, but my Mom offered for me to move back in with her temperarily just so I can get out of the city and away from the pandemic.

So I did.

I got scared, broke my lease a month early and quit my job of five years that gave me nothing back.

He told me, "take care of yourself and your family, I won't keep you here, do what you need to do."

So I did.

April-June:

A very eventful few months.

My mom offered for me to live at her place, but for some reason she was acting like I would live there forever. That this wasn't a temporary arrangement, and that I didn't have an apartment set up already.

This was in large part to my sister, who had lived with my mom taking advantage of her for years.

Even though my sister and I were going to move in together, I was just never sure about it cause of how she never packed her stuff or made any effort to find a job.

My mom often acted like I was lazy and not searching and was treating me like... Well, an unruly teenager instead of a woman of 29 years. She acted like I was a failure for returning home when it was her idea in the first place.

I would have just been petrified in the city.

Like usual, I retreated to my au again.... And in the spring, something eventful happened.

In may, 8th 2020:

I was invited by @rissynicole to join an invader zim discord.

Now, I've never really used discord before. I always thought it's interface is too confusing.. and I'm a member of a few other iz discords and I usually don't follow them that closely.

Rissy assured me it was different cause some friends of thiers made it and it was smaller.

Before I knew it, I was sharing memes and getting to know everyone there.

It wasn't long after I invited my partner in IZ crimes, @paketdimensioncomic who was genuinely wary of iz servers due to a bad experience with the last one they were a part of.

But soon they were sharing memes and laughing with everyone else.

My eyes were starting to open and I was able to connect to fans of my work in an interpersonal way. And I was able to discover new artists and aus I never knew about.

I was also able to meet so many others of the community and invite them to the server myself.

The moo-ping 10 server kept me sane while I was living with my judgmental mother.

Not only that, the summer was very productive for my au.

Drawing was all I did, and it was a huge break from the job as a cashier I had.

Not only that, June came, and with it, me and Ceph's first collab fic:

A result of us just going back and forth in our DMs constantly about Professor Membrane and how he changed in ETF for the better and how much we adamantly stan "trying-to-be-a-good-dad-brane" and how much of his ETF development has to be implied off screen in order for the emotional resolution in the movie to matter.

The only reason I never professed my love for Membrane as a character in the fandom before the fic dropped was.... Well....

Membrane can be a decisive character in the fandom and I was so worried people would hate me if I did an analysis on him, simply because he's not the best parent in the world. (As an understatement)

Ceph and I really encouraged each other to scream our love for the science himbo loud and proud more frequently and so often.... I actually start to see less Membrane hate posts and breakdowns then their used to be.... I like to think it's a combination of Me and Ceph's influence, along with ETF and the Quarterly's painting Membrane in a slightly more nuanced light then he was previously.

I never wrote a collab fic before and it's such a rewarding and fun and unique experience that I don't think I'll ever have again. And I love working with Ceph on our fics so much.

So much so we did it again...

July-August:

I never thought I would be one of those people who writes NSFW IZ fic... But here I am.

The Brainbrane au started.... An au of my au where Membrane and the Computer fall in love and Membrane makes him a body.

This ship was based around the idea where we joked that Membrane and Zim's Computer would have funny interactions if they ever met, under the pretense Membrane thinks Computer is Zim's parent.

Our headcanons morphed and shifted until we just full blown started shipping them.

Just because Membrane and Zim's Computer have overall REALLY entertaining chemistry.

It's a character dynamic never seen in the show or comics (yet) and I imagine thier interactions to be nothing but entertaining banter.

The fic was also born from spite... Making fun of the troupes and cliches that we found personally destestible in some questionable zadr fics.

So an angry ace and a demi-bisexual collab on a porn and end up blessing the fandom with

Compapa headcanons,

Computer being recognized as a more common used fanon character,

The ship of Brainbrane.

The fandom having a crisis of "oh God, not only are we xenophiles we're technophiles too!!!" Or "why you gotta give Zim's Computer an ass"

More android Computer designs

It was an eventful summer.

In the midst of all this, I moved into my new place, got a new job, and I was able to see my friend (who is def my platonic straight soul mate) who lives in Indiana.

She came to visit, showed me how to decorate and how to take care of my body better! Things were looking up! It was great.

September-November:

My job was at a boat store. If was approaching the fall and my hours were being severely cut.

I was getting into a rut of depression again.

I thought things were changing but the same routine I was trying to escape from was the same thing coming back.

But instead of letting it take hold, I decided I was going to do something about it... I was gonna visit a museum and go with my sister. Just... variety stimulation.

Well that didn't happen.

I talked about this shortly in my au itself...but..

My sister had a complete mental breakdown.

She stopped taking her meds, went off the deep end and was in the hospital a total of five times throughout November.

A lot of it was acting out and the perfect storm of environmental factors that made her scream and act out so she would keep going back to the hospital.

It was traumatizing for me.

I just can't explain what it's like. For her and for me to be in that position.

I'm not telling the full story and a lot of bullshit things happened I won't share here.

She got diagnosed with bipolar one and my mom expected me to be a caretaker for her.

I threatened to disown my family and move away out of state.

It was just too much for me to handle.

So much I was a nervous wreck.

I tried to pick up a second job... Cause my sister was in the mental ward so frequently and couldn't pay the bills.

But I was fired within a week cause I was so stressed I couldn't retain the basic information they were training me for.

It was an office job.

My dream.

It could have been.

I was fired from something I really wanted.

I was only there for three days.

I could not retain any information.

I was a mess.

My sister was a trigger, my mom wanted me to live with her. I couldn't live like this.... I had to get out.

I had to get out.

December:

Remember my Indiana friend?

Well the first week of December is my birthday.

My 30th to be exact.

While I did pick up a seasonal position at Target (not my first pick)

I took the first week of December off so I could spend time with her. Cause she agreed, I needed a break from this crap.

Surviving 30 years is cause to celebrate and if I had to celebrate with my sister I would have cried.

I know there was a risk traveling out of state during a pandemic...

But I needed out, I needed a friend..

And I kinda wanted to look at the place since I was considering moving there.

My friend's mom was sick so she avoided me and her daughter and got us a hotel room.

It was fun! I got to swim in a salt water pool, we talked about Naruto, I showed her the iz and su art books I brought, also Computer and Membrane tea.

I also got to meet her other friends and get crunk. And her bf who is super nice and funny!

I had a super fun birthday....

Until her mom told my friend that her grandparents had covid and that was what she had. And my friend got sick within that same day.... As did I.

I owe so much to her family.

I was an entire state away...about a ten hour drive from home.... She let me stay at her house. "The covid house" we called it.

Cause everyone (except the father. He avoided everyone and booked a hotel immediately cus he was an ER doctor) had covid within a day.

I called in, the test results were positive and I had to stay with her family for ten days quarantine before I could work again.

Which would have been fine....

If my tumblr didn't log me out perminately of my old account. @dana-chan325 .... Which really sucked cause I had a constant headache and was too sick to engage with tumblr or much of the fandom. I didn't want to make a new account when my head was in a bad fog and I could barely breathe or smell.

It's not like I saw much of my friend either.... We all slept at different hours and she had more symptoms then I did.

It was just netflix, danganronpa v3 and cry.

I was miserable, but at the same time.... Not?

I really feel like God himself was the one who pulled me off from tumblr, and my living situation.

Maybe a whole extra week feeling like a bobblehead was what I needed.

It gave me some much needed clarity on my relationships with my mom and sis and friend.

Running away to Indiana was not the solution here.

Once I was better within ten days and no longer had a leave of absence, I drove home.

I am glad I fully recovered (but from how I understand it, my dear friend is still ill. I'm praying for her)

I might have gone to work a bit too soon, cause I had an asthma attack after trying to unload a single cart in the span of six hours.

My boss lectured that my speed was unacceptable, and even though I explained the covid situation and breathing problems many times, she threatened that I'd be fired if I'm that slow again.

Que the next few days of work where they put me on register.

Instantly I was sent into a panic remembering the last time I was on the register and how that panic attack caused me to quit.

I even asked if I could go back to stocking, since my breathing had improved. My boss assured me that I was put on the register cause they needed help and nothing to do with my covid thing.

Then as December concluded and the new year began, my boss said that this was the last shift for me cause my position was seasonal and they were letting a lot of people go.

I then asked why I was on the schedule for Sunday, and he told me to ignore it and I'm free to reapply for full-time.

I mean.... They can act smart about it...

But putting your general merchandise stocker onto register after she had an asthma attack and missed working the first two weeks of December due to covid.....

Not a good look.

So once again, I'm jobless once more.

Will probably continue to live with my sister for awhile.

But I do not feel as if it's a bad thing....

I met so many good people this year....

My friend's family even gave me 500 usd to cover my rent since I couldn't work for a majority of December.

I've seen evil and good from humanity this year. I've seen acts of god, good friends and what my real family means to me as well as friends I consider family.

This year really made me look back at the person in the mirror and say,

"I deserve better."

And actually worked for it this time.

Oh and after Christmas I got a horrible yeast infection that burns over most of my body currently.

Very accurate doodle to the pain I'm in right now.

(seriously my body is a fungus.)

But hey, good news, I respected myself enough to go to the doctor about it!!

So that's progress.

I really hope 2021 holds good things for me.

Thank you to the mooping 10 server for always being there and keeping me sane,

Thank you tumblr for liking my au and everything.

AND A SUPER SPECIAL THANK YOU TO @evartandadam and her family for housing me and my dumb diseased ass. Everyone, she is an angel and I can't express how much she means to me. Please check out her art and buy her stuff on redbubble.

Anyways... Byebye 2020.

I look forward to what I can accomplish for myself this year.