#I can give myself a bad grade and treat that as neutral information that has nothing to do with what kind of person I am

[rotationalsymmetry]

A Spoonful of Sugar

I'm a teenager. It's a school day and my alarm just went off. 20 minutes later one of my parents sticks their head in my room to complain that I'm not up yet.

I'm a kid, not sure what age exactly. My dad comes in and pretends to be a dog to wake me up. (This has happened many times. He does it with the exact same phrasing and intonation and pretty much the same set of behaviors each time. Probably got it from a parenting book or something.) Kid-me finds this hilarious and an excellent way to start the day.

I'm an adult, early to mid 20's, with a group of other mostly young people in New Orleans post-Katrina, to tear down houses contaminated with black mold at the request of their owners (mostly black people) so that even if they don't have a house any more at least they own the land. If we don't do this, the city will hire people to do it at the owners' expenses and seize the property (ie the now vacant lot) if the owners don't pay it back. Anyways, point is, someone comes around with a guitar and a song when it's time to wake up.

I'm thinking about all the things parents of babies and toddlers and otherwise very young children do to cajole them into doing things. Stickers and little prizes. Oh, you aren't sure you want to eat that? What if the spoon was an airplane flying around, what then? Which toothbrush do you want to use, the red one or the blue one? (I loved getting to choose my school supplies, what cartoon characters the pencils had on them, the erasers shaped like fruit that didn't really erase, all that.) Bedtime routines. Bath toys.

Little kids are still young enough to make it everyone else's problem when they're forced to do something they don't want. So, everyone else finds ways to make it so that it isn't being forced, so that the kid wants whatever has to happen. Gummy vitamins. Chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs.

But adults, teens, older kids, have enough self control for that fight to be strictly internal, and often when other people stop cajoling us into doing what's best for us we don't pick up the slack ourselves, we push instead of finding ways to pull. And one thing I love about this site is the genre of posts that are about finding ways to get yourself to want to go into the carrier.

I've been pretending I'm in ninja training while brushing my teeth. Do not ask me how tooth-brushing prepares me to be a ninja. I got the idea to stick though. I've been using mnemonics -- ridiculous association mind games -- to practice remembering people's names, something I've always been bad at to my embarrassement. I have so many things I don't really want to do but that I think I should do. Sometimes it's not fun silly stuff, sometimes it's more sort of stoic reframing, like "ok I'm dreading this doctor's appointment because I'm telling myself it'll be frustrating and a waste of time, I can't make sure it's not a waste of time but there is some chance it won't be a waste of time and if so then showing up is doing the right thing, and I can make sure that I show up" (and so I give myself a good grade in showing up to a doctor's appointment, something that may or may not be normal to want but is in fact possible to achieve as long as you're doing the grading yourself, or can convince someone else to do it for you.)

I'm trying to notice intrinsic joy more. Taking a shower feels good so I get free "reward" as long as I'm noticing that it feels good. Physically moving my body, stretching and using my muscles, at least some of the time, feels good. Resting can feel good. Routines like having tea in the morning feel good and give me something to look forward to and some sort of continuity in my life, predictability. This feels good. This feels good. This feels good. This feels good.

[datasfaveslampoem]

A bad fan fic

Anyway, last night I said I’d post a bad AOS fan fic I wrote when I was 15. It’s under the break. Be warned though, this is genuinely really bad.

“Captain’s log, stardate 2259.76.

“The Enterprise is on its last day of patrolling the Romulan Neutral Zone. I’m looking forward to R&R on Starbase Twelve in three days time.”

 There was a relaxed atmosphere on the Bridge of the Enterprise. However, it was over in a moment.

“Captain, two Romulan ships decloaking directly ahead,” Ensign Chekov said as two large ships appeared on the viewscreen.

Kirk stood up dramatically. “Hail them,” he said, waving a finger vaguely.

“They’re coming onscreen,” Uhura said.

A Romulan came on the viewscreen. He was a man with a bowl cut and a v-shaped ridge on his forehead. His face was heavy and grim.

“This is Commander Tarkin of the Romulan Star Empire,” he said. “You are now entering Romulan space. Remove yourselves or be destroyed.”

“Commander, under the Romulan Neutral Zone treaty, this is our territory,” Kirk said.

Commander Tarkin went offscreen.

“They’re firing phasers,” Sulu said.

“Red alert,” Kirk said. “Raise shields and brace for impact.”

A red alert siren went off in the background. Suddenly, everyone flew around as some disrupter fire hit the Enterprise. Kirk was knocked back into his chair. He tried standing up again, but then sat back down.

“Captain!” Spock exclaimed. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine babe,” Kirk said. Spock almost smiled.

“But Sulu, my man,” Kirk continued. “Lieutenant Sulu, evasive action delta four.”

“Aye sir,” Sulu said. “Evasive action delta four.”

“Fire phasers when ready,” Kirk said.

“Firing phasers.”

On the viewscreen, several bursts of phaser fire were hitting the Romulan warbirds. The Romulan ships continued to fire their disrupters, but many of their hits missed the Enterprise. The Starfleet ship had the greatest defense of them all: a thick set of plot armour.

Suddenly, one of the Romulan warbirds fired its plasma weapon.

“What the fuck’s that?” Kirk asked.

“Some kind of torpedo,” Chekov said. “I’m engaging full impulse.”

The Enterprise shifted left. The plasma torpedo still came ever closer to the ship.

“Sensors indicate it could be some kind of plasma weapon,” Spock said. “It appears to lose potency the further it travels.”

“Can we outrun it?”

The plasma weapon hit the Enterprise.

“Not that time,” Sulu said. “Shields down to twenty-three percent.”

“Fuck,” Kirk said. “Alright, fire a full spread of torpedoes. Get ‘em.”

“Aye sir, firing torpedoes.”

The Enterprise fired a full spread of photon torpedoes. They hit the Romulan warbirds directly on the shields. This didn’t matter though as both warbirds fired their plasma torpedoes back.

“Full speed ahead,” Kirk said. “Give us warp one.”

“Aye captain,” Chekov said. “Full speed, preparing for warp.”

The first of the plasma torpedoes hit. Consoles burst all over the bridge; sending smoke and sparks all over the place. ‘Twas chaos.

“Shields are down,” Sulu said.

“Can we still get to warp?” Kirk shouted over the exploding consoles.

The second plasma torpedo hit. The Enterprise was shaking up and down like it was the kid on the bed in The Exorcist.

“No,” Chekov said. “Engines are down.” He paused for a moment and then shouted, “Sir, we’re getting reports that the Romulans are beaming in all over

“Sir, Commander Tarkin is hailing us again,” Uhura said.

Kirk rolled his eyes. “Fucking alright, okay?” he said. “I get it. He’s taken the Enterprise and he wants to gloat.”

“Sir, I don’t think he’s gonna let you ignore him.”

“Alright, put him up.”

Tarkin appeared on the viewscreen.  “My soldiers have taken over your ship, Captain, and now we’re going to drag you back to Romulus,” he said. “And believe me, my soldiers won’t mind killing you or your crew in the process. I’d suggest you cooperate.”

“Fuck you, Commander,” Kirk said. He signaled for Uhura to take him off the viewer. A moment later, he was gone.

“Engineering reports being taken by the Romulans,” Uhura said. “So does Sickbay. Hold on, sir, all the main sections report being taken by the Romulans.”

“Lieutenant, are we the only place on this ship not taken by the Romulans?”

“Reports indicate so, sir.”

At that point, two Romulans stormed onto the bridge with their disruptors drawn.

“You will set course for Romulus,” the lead Romulan said.

Kirk nodded. Chekov and Sulu set a course and engaged it.

The lead Romulan walked up to Spock. “Commander Tarkin wants an audience with you, Vulcan,” he said. “He will be beaming over within the hour.”

Spock looked at Kirk.

“Sorry babe,” Kirk said. “I think you’re gonna have to deal with him.”

“Will the Commander be expecting anything resembling the human custom known as a gobby?” Spock asked.

“A gobby?” the Romulan replied.

“Trust me, he’s good at them,” Kirk said. “I know. But Mister Spock, if Tarkin’s a gentleman, he won’t ask you for that straight away.”

“Captain, Engineering reports two fatalities in their section,” Uhura reported. “Two ensigns tried to overpower a Romulan centurion.”

“Lieutenant, tell all decks not to resist the Romulans until further notice,” Kirk said.

 Half an hour later, Spock stood in the Enterprise’s briefing room. Commander Tarkin was on the other side of the table. The Romulan Commander had offered Spock a very alcoholic drink of Romulan extraction, but Spock had refused.

“You fascinate me, Vulcan,” Tarkin said. “Are you aware you’re the only one of your kind on the Enterprise?”

“I am aware,” Spock said.

Tarkin turned dramatically and looked Spock directly in the eye. “And your affair with the communications officer, Lieutenant Uhura?” he inquired. “Do you not think it strange?”

“The only strange thing here is that you think Uhura is the one I’m with,” Spock said. “Everyone knows Kirk’s my one true love. But no, it’s not so strange to be with a human. Rare, perhaps, but not strange. You forget that I myself am half human.”

“But you’re also half Vulcan,” Tarkin said. “You certainly act like one.”

“Through choice, Commander. My Vulcan side has always been dominant.”

“Mister Spock, on Romulus, you would be treated like scum for being a half breed.”

“To be treated differently on the basis of being of differing parentage is most illogical.”

“Is it? Can a half human, half Vulcan be held to the same standards as one of pure blood? Of pure lineage, undivided loyalties?”

“One can only be expected to the best of their abilities, Commander. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“The Senate has provided very specific standards as to what is to be expected of a Romulan soldier. Are you telling me the Federation has no such standards for Starfleet officers?”

“If you speak of the duties a Starfleet officer is expected to perform, the Federation has such standards.”

“I meant a sharp intelligence rise in a matter of months,” Tarkin said. “The result of genetic engineering.”

Spock raised his eyebrow. “Commander, genetic engineering has been illegal on most Federation worlds for over a century.”

Tarkin took a sip of his drink, and then another. He then nodded. “Yes, of course. You don’t want the best of the best for Starfleet; you don’t see yourselves as soldiers. That’s why when the new war comes, we will conquer you all.”

“Many officers already have high IQs on joining the Academy, Commander, and it does provide a large amount of physical training.”

“A mass injustice, Mister Spock. You could be so much more powerful if you’d just engineer your officers.”

“I’m forced to wonder if such a policy is truly ethical. How would one properly judge a person’s abilities if everyone is engineered?”

“Yes, I suppose. You’ve given me much to think about, Mister Spock. Fuck off back to your quarters or something, yeah?”

And so Spock left.

 Captain Kirk was in his quarters when he heard Spock’s recount of his encounter with Tarkin. McCoy was there too, and gave the Vulcan a grim look.

“Damn it, Spock, I’m a doctor, not a detective!” McCoy said. “What’s genetic engineering got to do with this?”

“Doctor, genetic engineering may be the source of the Romulans’ sense of universal superiority,” Spock said. “Whatever real gains they might have in speed and strength could be lost if they don’t see us as an actual threat.”

“Spock, could we use this to our advantage to retake the Enterprise?” Kirk asked.

“Their overconfidence could allow us to cause a distraction,” Spock replied. “A very temporary distraction.”

“You pointy eared bastard! You’re not seriously suggesting a full on assault?” McCoy said.

“I was thinking more of a surgical strike.”

Kirk smiled and interlaced his fingers. “I want you to provide this distraction in the next few hours. Do you think that’s possible, darling?”

“Yes sir,” Spock said.

 One hour and forty-five minutes later, Spock entered the briefing room again. Tarkin was still there, now drunker than ever before. Spock sat down and poured himself a drink.

“So you’ve come back, Mister Spock,” Tarkin said. “And I see you’re being more fun this time, yeah?”

“Indeed,” Mister Spock said, taking a sip of the drink. “I found myself fascinated by your mention of military grade genetic engineering. Such things have not been practiced on Vulcan for many hundreds of years.”

“Of course they haven’t,” Tarkin said. “We’re the offshoot who liked that stuff, aren’t we?”

“Perhaps you could tell me more about it,” Spock said. “The science behind it must be quite interesting, and I am a scientist.”

“That’s classified information, Vulcan,” Tarkin said.

“I doubt I’ll be able to write a report about it to Starfleet,” Spock replied.

Tarkin skulled the rest of his drink. “Fuck it, why not?” he said. “But you better not tell anyone, alright?”

 Kirk and Scotty entered main engineering fifteen minutes later. Their phasers were drawn. The chief shot two guards as he approached a systems monitor.

“I’m taking the impulse engines offline, Captain,” Scotty said. “We’ll be dead in the water before we even enter the Neutral Zone.”

Kirk shot a Romulan who entered a nearby corridor. “Inform Lieutenant Uhura,” Kirk said.

 Tarkin stumbled onto the bridge. “Report!” he screamed.

“The impulse engines have gone offline, Commander!” a Romulan centurion replied.

“Signal the warbirds,” he said. “Tell them to double back and guard us.”

Spock now entered the bridge.

“You did this, didn’t you?” Tarkin said.

“That’s a most illogical assumption,” Spock said. “I’ve been drinking with you for the last twenty minutes.”

Sulu and Chekov entered the bridge with their phasers drawn. The moment the turbolift doors closed behind them, they opened fire.

Tarkin reached for his disruptor, turning his back to Spock. The Vulcan took the opportunity and nerve pinched the Romulan Commander.

Chekov pressed the intercom. “Captain, the Bridge is secure,” he said.

“Very good,” Kirk replied. “Place the Commander under arrest and set a course for Starbase Twelve. Signal any nearby Starfleet ships for assistance.” He paused for a moment and said, “Sulu, my man, go to red alert as well, yeah?”

The Starfleet crew started mashing buttons. The red alert klaxons went off as the Enterprise reentered impulse speed.

Captain Kirk entered the bridge and took his chair.

“The Romulan warbirds are closing fast,” Sulu said.

“Do we have warp speed again?”

“No sir, not for another three hours.”

Chekov pointed at something dropping out of warp on the screen. “Look sir, the fleet’s come,” he said.

Indeed, it was the fleet. Four ships had dropped out of warp and had opened fire on the warbirds.

“The warbirds are backing off,” Sulu said.

“Incoming message from the Farragut, sir,” Spock said. “They’re saying they’ll drag us to starbase.”

“Send them our thanks, Mister Spock.”

[jatamansi-arc]

as of today, i no longer have any biological siblings. also, uh, if anyone asks how i was conceived, i’m just going to say that the devil was likely involved. i’m done, officially, with my dad’s side of the family.

if you’re new, my mom almost died last week. here’s a caringbridge, it tells y’all about what’s going on. i’ve talked about it here, too, but there’s a lot of that. i guess some recent one are here and here, but long story: mom was in icu, almost died. bad shit all around. 

to make a long story very short before i put a cut in, i gave my sister a link to my caringbridge website. and some context? i told my dad to knock off his attitude earlier in the week, because he was being very rude to my grandmother and me and several other people.

then, uh. this happened today.

Me: Here's a CaringBridge for my mom, just fyi: www.caringbridge.org/visit/catkinson57

Sister:  Dad keeps me updated. I'll look at the site, but think I know enough between him and grama! Are you sure you can handle doing all this for your mom on top of trying to manage your own disabilities? Maybe she should have an advocate, a neutral person who can help her make life choices and care choices? That frees you up to do what you need to and she can get the help she needs to make sure she stays healthy. She can't be around a bunch of people who are gonna enable her right now so she can get healthy, or she might die Felicia. Like that scares the shit out of me. She needs some tough love. You need to just focusing on getting your stuff together so you can be stable and she needs to focus on learning how to do what she needs to do now with her current situation. I just don't know.

Me:  I am capable of handling it, and I'm capable of stepping back when I need to. Her social workers and care team have been a joke, so I have taken the reins when they haven't. I don't think Dad thinks I know what I'm doing but I have friends who are actually doctors who have hands on experience with this and they give me advice, too. I literally have about 4" of every single doctor note that I read every day. The only thing I don't have is her medication list yet and I'm getting that tomorrow. I am the furthest thing from enabling, either. I was the first one who suggested sepsis because I could tell from her low grade fever and delirium, but wasn't taken seriously. I'm usually, hilariously enough, more right than I'm wrong. I have a really natural talent for medical work. I just don't have the stamina because of the Ehlers Danlos. And thankfully, despite the stress, I manage to stay disassociated just enough to stay objective but not like... robotic? Enough to function and then to let it out when I need to. But I'm actually the hardass, lol. Once she's in the hands of someone I trust, I will lighten the reins. I haven't met anyone who has given me the impression they deserve it yet. Once she's back in homecare and gets a good nurse or two I'm familiar with here, that will be good. And a local case manager who can meet with her like I have with Nadja, who is actively working on her case and paying attention. I got sick for four days and couldn't get out of bed and she nearly died, so that definitely isn't going to happen again. Sister:  Ok Felicia. It's in your hands. And the enabling I am speaking of is people handing her mozzarella sticks and chicken nuggets when she is supposed to be on a liquid diet. These are the things that are going to keep causing set backs, along with her own seeming unwillingness to take care of herself the way she needs to so she doesn't get infections, i can't. I'm out. You and your brother have a lot in common. My hands are up.

Me:  So, fun fact about the food: I didn't give it to her. Nicole was visiting and told by the nursing staff erroneously that mom could have solid food at that point Nicole let her have 1-2 of each of them. I had nothing to do with it and literally didn't hear about it until my mom jokingly told me a day later that they dun goofed. 

Also, she does take care of herself to not get infections. Her PICC line was infected by the care facility's substandard care. The hematoma ended up being an abscess that had not come to the surface.

How would you feel if someone was treating you this way after something similar? Dad has not been nice to me about any of this, he doesn't listen to me about anything I say about her delirium, for example, because he may talk to her several hours after the medication kicks in. He doesn't hear the frantic calls in the morning begging for help when she was hallucinating. It is incredibly frustrating not to be taken seriously.

Sister:  Felicia, I can't even read this. Everything turns into being about you. Here's my point I was getting to yesterday, if you are capable of taking care of your mom and yourself with your own disabilities you are able to work and not be ripping off the social security system. In yesterday's message you listed all these things you are qualified to do, yet you can't work to provide for yourself, you spend your moms money all Willy Nilly, and you let people hand her mozzarella sticks and chicken nuggets knowing god damn well it could send her right back down the hole and everything has to start over again. You have zero training as a mental health practitioner, can I see the schooling? Or as a health care practitioner, definitely need school from that. I'm sure allbthr online reading to study up on symptoms to play the ssi system has helped you understand mental health better but does not qualify you as a mental health practitioner. If she was being taken care of properly she wouldn't be having hallucinations, she has NO REASON to be taking psych meds, and a huge part of me wants to call social services and report elder abuse. Your mom needs an advocate who is only concerned about her. You have turned every single thing about this into it being about you, you needing this and that, cable bills. Woman, I have been out of work over a year with a legit injury that causes me so much fucking pain that getting trough a day with just a small reduction is amazing, I need to essentially have my entire spine fused. But I ain't running around asking everyone to pay my bills and scam systems. If you can't take full time card of your mom, make all her appointments and do everything she needs, you can work. And they will even PAY you for it, it's called home health care.

Your mom raised me. Your not gonna convince me of some bullshit and keep skirting around the issue. If she was being taken care of properly and nobody was giving her food she shouldn't have she wouldn't have just about died and be where she is. If that's the kind of care your providing it's sub standard. Makes me think you don't care if she loves or dies. I would smack THE FUCK out of anyone who even tried to hand her food, she ain't supposed to have it. It's like taking care of a kid in the way such as you know they want it but it's not good for them so you have to say no. I'm getting super mad now, I want to come speak face to face, but I would lose my temper. I don't go there and visit because I don't want to be around either you or Nicole, you both just bleh, gross.

Now I'm going to do what I need to to take care of my Dad, whom you seem to be carrying on with, and if he has another heart attack because you wanna play miss know it all and keep not listening to everyone else because you are miss know everything, just like Larry, then I'm really gonna be pissed. Do you know you could be reported for spending your moms money? Get your shot together, stop arguing with everyone and pretending you have a phd in everything, and do what's right by your mother and stop arguing with my fucking dad. If you can't say anything nice keep your mouth shut. They are all trying to help YOU, to help YOUR mother, whom at this point I think you don't care lives or dies, we all love her, grama barb raised your mom from 14. I'm sure the love she feels for cheryl would be much like that of a mothers love for her own child. Just fucking stop. Everyone keeps calling me and I have stayed out of it til today, but tomorrow I can start making some calls to social services and see what can legally be done cuz all this back and forth your doing with everyone just to try to prove your right, just like Larry, ain't helping mom, that's only Felicia wanting pity cuz poor her she's got all these weird diseases nobodies ever heard of and ptsd cuz of a lil break in, yet you only seem to be affect at the mention of the word JOB. Go to any weird costume festival and party it up tho.... sick.

Requirements to call yourself a mental health practitioner. I know you have none of this schooling. I will be reporting this. Stop telling people you are qualified to do that!!!

Me:  I never said I was a mental health practitioner. What I said was that mom's delirium diagnosis and Zyprexa was provided by a mental health practitioner. Dad is like, not telling you correct information. I am not kidding you. I can not repeatedly emphasis this. Also, you cannot keep repeatedly being me up and then tell me I am making it about myself. That's gaslighting, Joy. Cut it out.

Also, I didn't spend my mom's money 'Willy nilly.' I used it to buy her supplies and to visit her in the hospital?

and karma apparently bit her in the ass fairly quickly after this happened, because she was called about five hours after all this happened and was notified her biopsy came back and she had breast cancer. sucks, but you kind of just told me i was faking my illnesses, am allergic to working (odd that i have two jobs and she has none), said my break-in was minor (I WAS ALMOST FUCKING STRANGLED TO DEATH BY A COMPLETE STRANGER WHO WAS DRUNK), compared me to my biological half-brother (her full sibling) who is a fucking child rapist and who i want nothing to do with WHATSOFUCKINGEVER and of course i wanted my mom dead so uh, well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

sorry for ur cancer but ur still a fucking cuntcake in this instance, sry

but here’s some gems of mockery from my fb:

Sammy Plenskie (Me)

i am going to laugh really hard if she calls to report me to elder abuse because it's me, a 31 year old living very graciously with her 60 year old mom and her disabled 61 "uncle" (aka godfather) with lymphoma. and both of them are not, by any definition, "vulnerable."

my mother literally just told me twenty minutes ago that when her ltd came next week, i was under the order to go get the tattoo i wanted but only if i came and showed her immediately after.

like my mom is a biker, dudes. she could have fucking benched me before this happened.

Nicole ***

Well my bad this is bull shit I was told by one of the nurses Eric about her being on solid diet... so I apologize for any miscommunication and don't worry since it's such a big deal about me going up that and being a enabler I won't go back up to the hospital again... I will stay away

Sammy Plenskie 

I ain't mad about it at all, man. Shit happens. Like I said, both you and the nurse were under the impression she had been transitioned over and then were like OH SHIT WAIT CRAP like immediately afterwards. It happens. Joy is making it like you personally injected MRSA into the chicken nuggets and stuffed them into her otsomy bag while screaming "GET SEPSIS SO I CAN GET THE LIFE INSURANCE, BITCH!!!!!"

You were probably dressed like Dean Winchester, though. Because we're freaks who go to those weird parties where people dress up.

as opposed to those parties where... people get dressed up and drink just to get... oh wait

Sammy Plenskie 

Please remember that no matter what my sister says about you, at least you didn't reach your career's high point on the stage left of BJ's Liquor Lounge, okay.

Sammy Plenskie

I was going to say: [ Family Name ], care about money? THE [ FN ] LINE FROM WHICH WE DESCEND CAME OVER IN BOXES AND A LITTLE TOUCHED IN THE HEAD FROM THE PROCESS, AND LORD GRANTING US, WE SHALL NEVER RISE ABOVE OUR STATION. FOREVER WE SHALL BE POOR AS SHIT AND A CRAZY AS A BAG FULL OF BATS. IT HAS MADE US RESPECTABLE, MOSTLY. I, personally, know that I can punch you to the face with a dildo and you will take it like a champ without reporting my ass some human services division of the city. Who the fuck, even?