#and I’ve made a ton of progress with it since discovering food psych a while back

[honeysuckle-venom]

I’m back to actively trying to work on my eating and it’s so so so hard. I trust my therapist and I know she’s right but the amount she ideally wants me to eat feels impossible. I had a really good food day yesterday, I felt like I ate so much and I did eat significantly more than normal, but when we went over it together apparently I was still like a full meal’s worth of food short. And her concept of a meal is bigger than mine. ED recovery is so exhausting, in large part because you’re constantly confronted by it. The only way to get better is to eat, every day, multiple times a day. It’s constant. And that’s so difficult.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you feel bored with your life? I do feel that way, some days more so than others. Like some days even the few things I like to do, like Tumblr and surveys, just don’t cut it.  Who’s someone you miss that you haven’t talked to in years? Ty. Do you miss anyone who was mean to you in the past? No. How do you feel right now? Tired. Do you have severe withdrawals from medications? I imagine I would if I had to stop taking my pain medication. 

What’s the most weight you’ve ever gained from a medication? I’ve never had weight gain from a medication. Do you have a doctor you can trust? I just answered this in the previous survey. Wth is going with these surveys, man. So many will have the same questions, and not just the basic ones that like all surveys have, but ones that should be more random like this.  What’s the stupidest decision you ever made? Oh where to start. The health related ones definitely top the cake. There were things I could have and should have done, but didn’t for some stupid reason. I should have taken better care of myself.  What’s the best thing that ever happened to you? When my younger brother was born (cue the “awwwwww”). I was 9 and may not have been psyched about having a brother at first (sorry!), but he’s the best little bro ever. Turned out so much better than me. He should be the older one, honestly. I look up to him. And also of course all the doggos I’ve been fortunate to have in my life. How old were you the first time you encountered God? When I was a young kid, but I didn’t really understand it and then I got to be older and went through many years of being atheist and agnostic. I was led back to Him when Ty came back into my life in late 2015. Have you ever been filled with the Holy Spirit? I believe so. Have you ever had an encounter with the supernatural? No. How many tattoos do you have, and what are they of? I don’t have any. How do you get through hard times? * I dont rlly do anything all that different. Like, my overall routines dont rlly change, I still do mostly the same stuff on a day-to-day basis. I do try to find more comforting and distracting things to do, tho, and I try to be extra kind and patient toward myself when Im struggling or when life puts some bit of unwanted chaos in my path, ahah <<< Same for the first part about not doing anything different in regards to what I do and my overall routines staying the same, but also trying to distract myself more. I’ve been going through a really hard time for a long time, but here we are. That being said, I’m not doing anything to try and better it, and that’s where my issue is.  What’s the most physically painful thing you’ve ever experienced? The pain after surgical procedures.  What’s the worst level of emotional pain you’ve ever experienced? Losing loved ones and my depression, particularly these past few years. Have you ever been suicidal? Not actively. I can’t say I’ve never thought about it, but I’ve never seriously planned anything or tried anything. I’m too scared and I don’t want to hurt my loved ones. And truthfully, I don’t really want to die. I just want to start living. I want to not feel this way anymore and not have this battle with my mind and feeling as sad and miserable and crappy as I do. I want to live a live I’m passionate about and actually do something. Do you pray? If yes, to whom? Yes, to God. Do you ever feel lost and alone? “If you’re lost and alone, and sinking like a stone, carry onnnnn.” What do you miss about high school? I mean, I wouldn’t wanna go back, but there were some good parts. It had its ups and downs.  What do you miss the most about college? I’ve answered this recently. Did you like high school? Like I said, it had its ups and downs. What was the name of the first dorm you lived in? I never lived in a dorm. What was the last thing that made you angry? Blah. Have you ever been the victim of a crime? Yes. I’m a victim of a drive-by shooting. Is your life worse than you could have ever have imagined it to be? I mean, I didn’t imagine my life being how its been these past few years... …or is it better, or just what you expected? No. Are you married? No. Are you hurting in any way right now? Yes. Are you currently missing someone? There’s a few people I’ll always miss. What are you wearing? Black leggings and a gray Nirvana shirt. What was the last flavor of tea you drank? Peppermint.  Do you feel like youtube’s gotten boring lately? No. What would you change about your hair if you could? I just need to get it dyed and trimmed. Are you jealous of anyone? No. Do you have a secret? Maybe. If you could tell anyone a secret right now, who would it be? No one. Do you miss someone that you blew it with? Yes. I’ll always regret how things went with Ty.  Is there a guy (or girl) you wish you hadn’t screwed things up with? Yeah, Ty. What was the best date you’ve ever been on? Coffee shop and bookstore dates with Ty. What’s the last great song you discovered? Hmm. Do you prefer color or black and white? I like both, just depends. Do you own a thermometer? Yeah. Has facebook gotten boring lately? Yeah it kinda is.  Do you feel free to post how you feel on facebook? I don’t really post anything on there anymore, especially not anything personal or about my opinions on big topics.  Which stereotype do you fit the most? Don’t know, don’t care. What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Burger King, Taco Bell, Chick-Fil-A, McDonalds, and Jack in the Box. I haven’t been into fast food; though, the past couple months, which is very odd for me.  What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? For my birthday we took a gondola ride up 9000ft and got the most beautiful view of the mountains, lake, and city. It was incredible.  What is one place you have always wanted to visit? Hawaii. What was your favorite vacation you went on as a child? Disneyland. Who were your favorite celebrities as a child? I was the 12/13/14 year old with tons of posters all over my wall from magazines.  What was the first CD you bought? I think the 1st one I bought myself was Ashlee Simpson’s CD, Autobiography. ha.  How old are you? 30. What year were you born? 1989. Did you go to prom? Yes. Are you jealous of people who are ten years younger? I’m kind of envious in some ways. For one, they’re 20 years old aka babies and not old like me haha. But second of all, they’re really just starting out. I’m envious of the ones who are living their best lives and having fun and the ones who are starting college and making the best of it while also having a good social life. People at 20 still have so much time ahead to figure things out, and that I’m very envious of. If you could rewind time ten years, would you? It would be tempting. There’s so much I’d like to do differently. The thought of going through college all over again isn’t appealing, though. But man. Some changes that I’d like to change might make it worth it, though.. they would make such a big difference for me. Some of the things I’m dealing with now I don’t think I would be if I did some things differently. What do you miss the most about your past? I miss my childhood the most. Do you like getting older? Not at all. What is the last song you played on repeat? Hm. I’m not one to really play songs on repeat, so I don’t recall. Do you own a CD player? Nope. What hard thing are you going through right now, if applicable? My health and life stuff. What do you need prayer for? Good health and strength.  Are you ok? “I’m not okay, I’m not o-fucking-kay.” What’s the best retreat you’ve ever been on? I haven’t been on a retreat.  Do you love free falling? “Now I’m freeeeeee. Free fallin’.” Do you prefer slow songs or fast songs? I like both. Have you made any progress toward going after your dreams? No. I don’t even have any dreams to work towards right now. Who encourages you to go after your dreams? My family definitely would. They always have. Do you have regrets? Do I ever. Does anyone really know you? I don’t even really know me. I’ve changed these past few years and became someone I don’t know and certainly don’t like. I’m struggling with whether this is who I really am now, or am I like this because of my depression and health stuff? I really don’t know. Are you close to anyone right now? My mom and brother. What color is your trash can? The one in my room is white. Do you know anyone who is stuck-up? Yes. What color is your dresser? Brown. Are you more boho, hipster, sporty, goth, or girly? I’m just casual. What were your favorite clothing stores in high school? Hot Topic, Macys, JCP... I don’t really remember where else I shopped in high school.  Do you drive a car? No. If not, do you wish you had a car? I don’t drive, so I have no use for a car. Do you own a computer? If yes, is it a desktop or laptop? I have a laptop. What color is your cell phone? Coral. How old were you when you first got a cell phone? 16. What is your favorite season? Fall. Do you wish you had a popsicle right now? No. I’m not a popsicle person. Or ice cream in general, really. I rarely have any. It’s been like 3 years since I’ve had any. Who was your favorite family pet when you were growing up? My dog, Scruffy. He was with us from the time I was 5 until I was 18. What’s your favorite color? Pastels, yellow, mint green, rose gold, and coral. Do you like pineapple on pizza? Nope. List five of your favorite youtubers. Nah. Who’s your best friend? My mom. If you don’t have one, who do you wish were your best friend? Is your heart hurting? Not physically, but yeah. What song are you listening to right now, if any? I’m not. At what time of day do you usually feel the most energetic? Never? What medication or drug has given you the worst withdrawals? I’m sure my pain med would.