#and I’m not done til mid January

[blessphemy]

get called into bossmans office (x2 bosses)

- you’ve been great and professional

- responsive and easy to work with

- take feedback well, good follow up

- done a great job, great work ethic

- hope we cross paths professionally again

- anyway bye!

[cariantha]

A Chance Encounter (2/3)

Book: Open Heart (Pre-Series) Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Sawyer Brooks) Rating: Teen Warning: Implied sexual activity Category: Fluff Word count: 3.3K Series Summary: Ten years before meeting at Edenbrook, Ethan and Sawyer have a chance encounter during spring break.

A/N: Artwork by the incredible @/artbyainna on Instagram.

Chapter Summary: Knowing the odds of ever seeing each other again, Ethan and Sawyer throw caution to the wind and spend a magical night together.

Part One

Part Two: The Hook-Up

January 2023 - Miami, Florida

“And I’m beginning to realize…” Ethan paused, reaching for Sawyer’s wine glass and placing it along with his own on the patio table behind him, “There are some things that are worth any risk.” 

Though it was winter, the cooler Miami temperature was as comfortable as a summer night in Boston. But Ethan wasn’t thinking about home. With the moonlit backdrop of the Atlantic Ocean, a scene from his past began to play out before him. 

When he turned back to Sawyer, he met her hopeful eyes. Reflecting the bright, silver moonlight, they looked just like sea glass.

It had been six months since the mystery woman he met a decade ago in East Hampton, New York found her way back into his life. If Sawyer had any memory of those days at the beach, she had kept it tucked away. When her shaky hand cupped his dark stubbled cheek, Ethan was suddenly desperate to remind her. “Sawyer, I…” 

“I know,” she said softly, never breaking their intense gaze. 

Immense relief coursed through him as he closed his eyes and leaned into her caressing touch. With that long-awaited admission, Ethan’s remaining reservations were drowned out by overwhelming lust for the woman he had dreamt of for years. When his eyes opened again, the dam built of steadfast resolve finally broke.

In an instant, she was finally - after all this time - back in his arms. His mouth covered hers in an intense kiss. He held his lips to hers for many heartbeats, needing to make up for lost time. 

“Dr. Ramsey, you’re–”

“Ethan,” he insisted. There was no need for formality anymore. They no longer had to pretend they were only ever co-workers. Their pact of anonymity became null and void the day Sawyer walked through the doors of Edenbrook Hospital.

Time was a blur as a frenzy of hands and mouths allowed their bodies to become reacquainted. After a clumsy, lip-locked dance across the balcony, Ethan fell back into a cushioned patio chair. Sawyer lowered herself onto his lap and began slowly rocking her hips against his, matching the lapping rhythm of the shore. 

“Sawyer, I’ve never done anything like this. Ever. This is—” He needed her to know he would never take advantage of his position of authority. He would never take advantage of her in any capacity. Hell, it’s why he had kept this memory to himself to begin with. But he could no longer deny their history. Their attraction. Their connection. 

Sawyer stopped him mid-sentence, placing her hand over his pounding heart. She then took his hand and held it between the valley of her breasts, and he completely forgot what he was going to say. Instead, he sighed contentedly. “You… feel amazing.” 

His blonde temptation smiled coyly. “Wait ‘til you feel the rest of me.”

Her confusing words and a perfectly timed chilly gust of ocean breeze released him from her spell. What does she mean by that? Ethan quickly replayed the last few minutes, realizing he may have made an erroneous assumption. When Sawyer said “I know” was she referring to their past or acknowledging their current and undeniable attraction to one another? The jolting thought made him face the harsh realities of their situation yet again. She was an intern. He was her boss. This can’t happen no matter their history.

March 2012 - East Hampton, New York

The day after her best friend's accident, Christian headed into the big city with her employer on official nanny duty. Having stayed behind, Sawyer took the opportunity to walk to town and explore the local shops and eateries. She enjoyed window shopping at high-end stores catering to wealthy vacationers and locals. But wearing cut-off jean shorts, a tank top, and flip-flop sandals, she didn’t dare go inside fearing a “Pretty Woman” scene the moment a salesperson sized her up. 

Deciding it was time for a morning pick-me-up, Sawyer made her way to the crowded Starbucks on the corner. She was about to follow a couple of hoity-toity customers inside when a row of quaint boutiques across the street caught her eye, a little coffee shop nestled between them. She looked both ways before dashing across the bustling thoroughfare, eager to try something different.

The bell on the door rang as she opened it, drawing the attention of several patrons. As Sawyer surveyed the charming and seemingly popular cafe, her face lit up when she saw Ethan at the back of the order line. 

Also excited by the surprise meeting, Ethan let the older woman behind him go first so he could stand next to Sawyer in line.

“I didn't take you for a coffee guy," she greeted.

"I'm a med student, remember? We only function on coffee or energy drinks. I prefer coffee."

“And why this place over that one?” she wondered, tilting her head toward the large bay window. The siren in the middle of the familiar green logo smiled back at them.

“In my experience, local coffee shops have better quality coffee. And they tend to be much quieter. There’s a lesser-known place close to campus where I like to go to study. The owner is from Hawaii and occasionally serves an amazing Kona.”

“In other words, you’re a coffee snob,” she poked fun.

Ethan shrugged unoffended.

The barista took their orders when they reached the counter. “Are these together?”  

“Yes,” they both answered at the same time. 

“Let me,” Sawyer turned to Ethan. “I owe you one for your help yesterday.” 

But Ethan wouldn’t have it. “It’s on me,” he overruled, handing his debit card to the barista.  

Moving out of the way for the next customer, Sawyer thanked him for the coffee. “That was sweet. But I still owe you. I might just have to give you one of those private surf lessons for free," she smiled coyly.

Clearing his throat, "Speaking of… how's the leg?" 

"It's bruised and tender,” she shifted her body to show him. “I found some of that same ointment at the house and rebandaged the big cut this morning."

Ethan nodded satisfied.

Sipping from their to-go cups, they stepped out of the small eatery together. Hoping to extend their time together with a walk home, Ethan asked which direction she was headed. 

Looking down the street, she answered, “I was going to take this way around. I wanted to check out a few more of the sights.”

“Care for some company?” Ethan asked hopefully.

Sawyer couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face when she turned her head to respond. “I’d love some.”

Strolling through the village-like setting, they chatted about all sorts of things, especially medical school. With a big decision to make soon, Sawyer wanted to know more about the application process, Ethan’s favorite classes, and his plans after graduation.

“Wait, seriously? I’ve heard of Dr. Banerji! I recently read one of his case studies for my Viruses and Application for Biological Systems class. Wow, I hope things work out and you get the chance to work with him,” Sawyer commented with sincerity.

Spotting a gift shop with tacky tchotchkes and souvenirs, she tugged on his arm to follow her inside. They browsed the displays, making a game of who could find the most ridiculous item. Ethan was determined to outdo himself every time simply to hear her lovely, melodic laughter. He found her minutes later flipping through a rack of novelty t-shirts. Ethan mindlessly flicked through shirts on the opposite side. He found it endearing how she giggled at the silly ones, and more than once their eyes met over the clothing rack, eliciting shy smiles.

When they exited the store, Sawyer handed him a bag. “Here.”

“What’s this?” he furrowed his brow in question.

“Open it,” she instructed.

Ethan pulled a white t-shirt from the bag. The red print said “LIFEGUARD,” and below the cross symbol it said “The Hamptons.” 

“I know it’s cheesy, but I owe you a new shirt and you did come to my rescue,” she explained. 

With a nod of appreciation, “Thanks. You didn’t need to do this,” he said, tucking the shirt back into the bag. 

As they trekked through the neighborhood, their conversation continued to flow effortlessly, like they could share anything and everything without hesitation. Sawyer made him smile often with her carefree playfulness and gentle teasing. Not an easy feat if you ask those who knew him well. Likewise, Ethan made her laugh, even snort a few times, with his dry humor and quick wit. They walked just inches apart, their hands brushing together so many times it no longer felt accidental. 

It felt like they had been walking and talking for hours, but it all came to an end too soon when they reached his driveway.

“Thanks for the coffee and company.” She looked nervously at her feet before continuing, “It sucks that you’re leaving tomorrow. Maybe we can–”

"Hey! Is that you, Gidge?” Tobias interrupted as he came outside to unload party supplies from his Jeep. “I see you've met Moondoggie here.”

"What the hell are you talking about, Carrick?" Ethan glared at him. 

"It's from an old movie," Sawyer helped to explain.

"Gigde, we're throwing a beach bash later tonight–”

“We are?” Ethan interrupted with a vexed look on his face. 

“You and your friend should come," Tobias continued, ignoring his roommate.

"We'd love to come to your orgy… I mean luau, Kahuna," she played along. 

Ethan just looked between the two of them, the movie references completely lost on him. 

Tobias elbowed him playfully, "I like this one, man.”

Rolling her eyes, Sawyer turned back to Ethan, “Later then?"

Ethan nodded and put his hand up to say goodbye as she continued down the road.

The back of the Jeep was stockpiled with several cases of beer and brown paper bags with various assortments of liquor bottles. “Jesus Christ. How many people did you invite over?” Ethan groaned.

Shrugging, Tobias responded, “Who was counting?” 

Ethan jumped when he felt fingers slide into his back pocket. “What the fuck are you doing?” he asked, swatting his annoying friend's hand away. 

Tobias patted Ethan’s ass where he deposited a strip of square foil-wrapped packets. “Just making sure you’re prepared for later.” 

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

Christian had to put the kids to sleep before going off the clock for the night. By the time Sawyer and her best friend finally made their way next door, the party was in full swing.

As the ladies made their way to the kitchen for drinks, Sawyer’s eyes swept each room they passed, hoping to spot a familiar face. Every room was crowded with college-age partiers, most of whom looked like snobby rich kids. Guys wearing polo shirts and plaid shorts, and who sported expensive watches, mingled with women wearing tight, short dresses, with blown-out hair and manicured nails. Sawyer wasn’t sure if they’d been invited to a spring break party or a country club clambake.

“Gidge! You made it,” Tobias greeted, throwing an arm around her shoulder as he squeezed in between the two friends. 

“Kahuna,” she acknowledged. 

“Let me introduce my boys, Stinky and Lover Boy,” he joked, nodding to his pals. “Moondoggie, who you’ve met, is around here somewhere. Probably sulking in a corner.”

“Annnd, I have no idea what you guys are talking about,” Sawyer’s friend laughed, “but, I’m Christian.”

Tobias looked her up and down, then said with a smirk, “Challenge accepted, angel. We’ll make a sinner of you before the night is over.”  

A while later, Ethan came out of hiding and weaved his way through the party. He scanned the many faces gathered in nearly every room on the first floor of the mansion, searching for a pair of brilliant green eyes. But as luck would have it, they kept barely missing each other. No sooner had he left the room than she entered. After a couple of passes, Ethan grabbed a beer from the kitchen, and with a disappointed sigh, he made his way outside. 

Sawyer stayed by her friend's side for a while until Tobias wrapped his arm around Christian's shoulders and led her away for a dance. With a beer of her own, Sawyer ventured outside to get some fresh air. On the far end of the deck was a spiral staircase that led to a second-story balcony. Hoping to at least enjoy the view of the moonlit ocean while she worked through her own disappointment, she coiled up the stairs. When she reached the top step, she saw Ethan leaning on the railing, looking sullen and staring out to the water.

"Oh! Hey,” she tried to contain her sudden excitement, “Sorry. I didn't realize anyone was up here."

"Hi," his voice sounded glad to see her.

"Mind if I join you?"

Ethan shook his head.

"Not much of a party guy, huh?" Sawyer asked, joining him at the railing. 

"It's not really my scene."

“Oh? And what kind of scene do you prefer?”

Ethan slightly shifted his body toward her. “Coffee and conversation. A stroll through the neighborhood. Beers on the porch,” he answered, clinking the neck of his bottle against hers.

With knowing smiles, they each took a swig of beer, then fell back into the same comfortable conversation as earlier in the day. There was an undeniable connection between them and, as if they both came to that same realization, a timid silence settled between them. 

This was the moment, the one where someone made a move or made an excuse to head back downstairs. Ethan pushed off the railing and stood up straight, setting his beer bottle on the railing. Sawyer followed his lead, doing the same. When she turned to face him, a gust of ocean breeze blew her hair into her eyes. Ethan's fingers were there in an instant to help push it away, and after tucking it behind her ear, his hand lingered on the side of her face. Sawyer wrapped her hand around his wrist to hold it in place as their eyes met in contemplation.

Ethan considered whether the instant gratification was worth it, knowing it would make their inevitable goodbye that much harder. Given their current realities, he was under no illusion that this would be anything more than a spring break fling. But the voice of reason was drowned out by the overwhelming need to taste her lips and feel her skin under his fingertips. In that instant, he decided the reward far outweighed the risk. 

During those few seconds of hesitation, Sawyer made her mind up too. When she wrapped her other hand around the back of his neck, the dam broke. 

Though their lips were eager to meet, their first kiss was not hurried. It started soft and slow. Ethan pulled back after a moment to gauge Sawyer’s reaction, seeing the smile in her eyes. When he felt the gentle tug on the back of his neck urging him to return to her lips, he angled his head to the other side and kissed her again. Sawyer parted her lips, inviting him deeper. Their kisses grew in intensity, and the longer they stayed lip-locked, the more desperate they became for more.

Tongues still dancing together, Ethan clumsily backed them away from the railing and toward a reclining chaise lounge. Mindful of her wounded leg, he laid down so that Sawyer could straddle him. 

Eager to feel more of him, Sawyer lifted his shirt over his head. As her fingers dragged over the contradiction of velvety skin and concrete muscle, Ethan’s fingers found their way under the hem of her shirt. The lower hers traveled, the higher his went. When she reached the button of his jeans, Sawyer hesitated.

His hands instantly dropped to hers, tenderly wrapping them in his own. “If you want to stop, we can. This is probably a terrible idea given the odds of seeing each other again.”

The fact that he was being so considerate only made her want him more. If she was going to check this experience off of her college bucket list, she wanted to do it with him. 

Staring down at their joined hands, she shook her head. “No, I want to. I’m just a little nervous,” she confessed, looking up with a shy smile. “And honestly, the fact that we probably won’t see each other again seems like a good enough excuse to just give in. No strings attached. No complications,” she assured him. “Do you? Want to stop?” 

“Hell no. I want you,” he insisted, squeezing her hands. “It’s just… I don’t usually do this sort of thing… but I just can’t seem to get enough of you.” Ethan rubbed the knuckles of her hand with his thumb. “I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give. No pressure.”

His eyes spoke nothing but the truth, and in response, Sawyer weaved her fingers through his. She then pushed their joined hands over his head, leaning down to capture his mouth in a heated kiss. 

When things turned red hot again, Sawyer murmured against his lips. “Do you have–”

“In my back pocket,” he whispered, letting go of her hands.

Sawyer laughed as she reached underneath him and shimmied her hand into his pocket. “For someone who doesn’t do this sort of thing–” 

“Let’s just say my roommate is the type to do this and wanted everyone to be prepared tonight,” Ethan defended, plucking the foil packets from her fingers. “As much as I hate to give him the satisfaction, I’ll have to remember to thank him later.” 

The stars in the night sky replaced the ones behind her eyes after experiencing something she could only describe as magical. Feeling as though she had finally descended back to Earth, Sawyer shifted in Ethan’s arms, attempting to disentangle herself and stand up.

“Not yet,” he begged, locking her up in his limbs.

She inhaled the scent of his bare skin and placed a kiss over his still thundering heart, “Okay.”

The ocean mist cooled their flushed skin as they stole gentle kisses from each other, hoping the next wouldn’t have to be the last. Propping herself up on an elbow, Sawyer stared down into Ethan’s moonlit eyes.

“What?” he asked, confused.

“It’s just… you’ve been so amazing, and I don’t even know your name,” she giggled.

Caressing the side of her face, “Let’s keep it that way. It will be easier to let each other go. No complications, remember?” 

Nodding in agreement, “Okay. No complications,” she echoed. Sawyer repeated the mantra in her head several times as she reluctantly pried herself free of Ethan’s embrace. “I should find my friend before she starts to worry.”

“Right.”

They handed each other pieces of clothing and got dressed. Standing in front of each other, Sawyer reached up and took Ethan’s face in her hands, offering him a final kiss goodbye. Ethan swept his hands over her hair and held her head as he returned the sentiment, not letting go until they were both out of breath. 

Slowly they pulled away. Sawyer took a few steps backward, before finally turning her back to him and walking away. Before descending the spiral staircase, she turned her head and met Ethan’s gaze. “Bye, Moondoggie.”

“Bye… Gidge?” he tried to remember. 

With an affirmative nod and final wave, Sawyer winded her way down the stairs. 

She found Christian inside, sitting on Tobias’ lap. They were watching and laughing as Stinky, whose real name she thought was Andrew, sang a horrible karaoke rendition of Gotye’s “Somebody that I Used to Know.” 

When Christian spotted her friend in the doorway, she whispered to Tobias that she’d be right back. “Hey! Are you good? Have you been having fun?”

“Yep,” Sawyer beamed uncontrollably. 

“Hold up,” Christian looked her up and down, “Sawyer, did you…?” 

Sawyer eagerly shook her head in the affirmative. 

“You and your lifeguard?” 

Sawyer nodded again. 

“Eeeek! Girl, how was it? Are you okay?”

“I’m good. Really good. It was incredible.”

Part 3: The Realization

Tag List: @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics @peonierose  @potionsprefect @trappedinfanfiction @jerzwriter @queencarb @coffeeheartaddict2 @quixoticdreamer16 @jamespotterthefirst @liaromancewriter @zealouscanonindeer @tveitertotwrites @tessa-liam @youlookappropriate @kyra75 @socalwriterbee @txemrn @midnightmelodiz

[therapybabbie]

writing this down so i can know what to expect for my next breakup and that every bad feeling is temporary............

this wasnt a normal breakup so its a little less straightforward, but im counting the end of november as when we “broke up.” we hadnt been together officially since april and we hadnt slept together at all since the beginning of november, and we didnt stop hanging out completely til mid-december, but the end of november is when i feel that i truly 100% accepted that not only did i not want to be with this person right now, but i NEVER WOULD bc of things he had done that i finally realized were unforgiveable.

end of november - end of january (first 2 months): absolute hell on earth, withdrawal symptoms, couldnt stop myself from talking to him sometimes. waking up crying all the time, either crying for myself and how he treated me or crying for him and his fucked up life and being worried about him. also still doing drugs. couldnt go on any dates without talking about him. tried to have some sort of “relationship” with another guy for about 2 weeks but i just felt like i was recreating my relationship with my ex and i couldnt do anything sexual w him bc it felt wrong and i didnt want to.

after 2 months: started to get real fuckin pissed off. texted michael a long list of things he did to me and was really mean, etc. then regretted it. then started to make peace with the fact that we shouldnt talk to each other at all for a very long time. but at this point i was still holding out hope that we’d talk again eventually (during no part of this process did i want to get back together though, i got rid of those feelings prior to november)

beginning of march - mid-april (3 months-4 months after) just pure blinding anger and rage, but with no more urge to reach out to him about it bc i know he wont help. still nightmares about him every once in a while but very rare. he was still the first thing i thought of every morning, but it wasnt sadness or missing him anymore. now its just annoyance that i have to think about this, or anger that he did this to me. still hope we’ll talk again eventually and he’ll apologize to me, but i’m no longer expecting any messages from him to pop up on my phone. i never look at my phone hoping to see his name, which is a huge relief.

late april - now (mid-may) (4-5 months after) he’s not the first thing i think of in the morning. i have at least one or two other thoughts first, which is nice. i hardly even look at his social media anymore bc thinking about him mostly makes me feel sick. i cant even imagine texting or talking to him at this point, even if i were blind drunk. the only social media of his i ever look at really is spotify and its just so i can feel a little happy if hes listening to a lot of sad music bc i want his current relationship to be going poorly (sorry...), not even bc i am jealous in the way that i want him back (i do not), but more that i am jealous he gets to be with someone right now and i don’t bc he was the one who treated me so badly in our relationship and it feels unfair. if i were to look at a picture of him, i’d probably still feel sad but i no longer have the urge to do this. i kind of hope we’ll talk again but mostly bc i still feel he wronged me and owes me an apology, not bc i want us to “be on good terms. a big part of me also knows that by the time i’d be in a position to talk to him again, i probably won’t care very much whether we do or not. i no longer care about his opinion of me bc my opinion of him at this point is pretty low. i wouldn’t say i forgive him at all, i’m still mad when i think of how he treated me, but i mostly just feel kind of sorry for or even contemptuous towards him. im a lot more comfortable being alone and no longer feel the need to go on dates unless i really really want to. i have things to focus on that are boring but still make me happy, like changing my diet, learning to cook, exercising again, etc. i don’t even want to meet someone quite yet, even if they were perfect for me, bc i want to get comfortable working on these things about myself first. its like the void that michael left is almost all the way filled, and once it is and i feel like myself again, i think i’ll be ready to find someone new.

[runenc03]

Til the light goes out (and after) - part 1

Writing date: I started in October ‘20, got scared by the amount of personal issues I put into “the reader” and procrastinated. I eventually finished in January ‘21, lol.

Genre: Angst, I guess? But not too badly, it’s fine.

Warnings: Insecurity (to everyone reading this, you are worthy!!)

Word count: 3.6k words

---------------------------------------------

"I remember when I reached the age of 25 and I had this jarring quarter-life crisis. I felt like I wasn't at all where I wanted to be: I wanted to be deeply in love and almost married to my soulmate. (...) I also wanted to be a publishing author. Yet I was single, and had never put a book together, even after writing hundreds of poems, journal entries, and essays in my life. I felt like I was just wasting my time, and that felt terrifying. That was three years ago. I look back at that time in my early to mid twenties so differently now. I see many beautiful poems written. Deep conversations with cherished friends. Night walks, early morning walks. Dinners with my family and birthdays, going around the table saying what we love about each other. (...) None of it was wasted. It was beautiful, and the life I had lived was so meaningful and precious. I wish I could go back, and tell myself that, so the younger me could appreciate each moment, rather than comparing where she was to where she wanted to be."

~Katherine Cimorelli Straneva

-----------------------------♡--------------------------

"I think Miss Swann over there should have the role."

Your hands stopped their movements to free you from your pirate costume, and you looked up. Your entire group of colleagues was staring at you, expectantly.

You see, you worked at a theme park, and it was just about the most amazing job ever. Every holiday period, it opened its gates, ready to shower people of all ages in everything magical. You were part of the actors crew, which basically meant that you acted out entire stories at fixed intervals and filled the rest of your time with walking around the theme park in costumes, doing small acts on your way. Often you ended up improvising, dancing with your guests, and of course posing for pictures. If you could, you would live in the theme park. Really, there was just something so entrancing about the atmosphere there, the music coming out of the lanterns beside all the roads, the roller coasters, the beautifully decorated buildings. A big part of the magic was because of the work you and your crew put into your characters and its stories though, you shouldn't underestimate that, which was exactly the reason you weren't too keen on taking the lead role in your next story. The pressure to create the biggest part of the magic was something you didn't know you could handle.

"I'm...not too sure about that. Ariel always plays the lead role, why shouldn't she now? I've never even done a lead role."

'Ariel' was one of your colleagues you were probably the closest with. She was funny, kind, and seemingly good at everything she did, acting included. Her real name wasn't Ariel, but you never called each other by your real names. It was like a tradition within your crew to call everyone by the name of the character they were currently playing. Seeing as she had had the lead role in your newest play, a crossover between Pirates of the Caribbean and The Little Mermaid, her name had been Ariel for the past two weeks, and yours had been Elizabeth.

Your friend wriggled herself out of her tail, her eyes still on you. A smirk was playing around her mouth, and your stomach gave a swirl. She had actually meant it when she proposed to give you the lead role.

"Because, dear Elizabeth, you wrote the play, and you did so beautifully! Your talent is ridiculous, and I think the entire thing is going to come across as much more honest if you play the biggest part in your own story. Isn't that logical?"

The other members of your crew nodded in agreement, and while you couldn't help but smile at their faith in you, the nerves in your stomach grew. You started to untie the laces of your pirate boots as you voiced your concerns.

"I'm not too sure about that. It's a love story, remember?"

The grinning on Ariel's face turned into a warm smile, but her eyes showed determination, and at that point you knew that you had lost this particular battle.

"I remember, and I also remember that you're the biggest romantic out of all of us. Come on, we all know you're going to be fantastic."

Another colleague of yours spoke up, telling you that he'd been in awe of the script you'd written, and another joined, claiming she'd even cried a little at the end. Your doubts slowly folded themselves back up again.

"The story belongs in this place, just like the lead role belongs to you, Elizabeth."

The words were spoken by the most timid guy in your crew. He never talked in your plays but provided the music in them, and even though he was terrific at adding that extra touch of magic to your stories, he never contributed to conversations about their content. You thought he just didn't really mind, as long as he could play his music. If he was willing to speak out loud about it, it must mean you really were meant to follow your crew's judgement.

You smiled, a blush blossoming on your cheeks, and you knew your eyes twinkled when you finally gave in.

"I'll do it."

_______________________________________

"Hey!"

You plopped down next to the music guy in your group, feeling extra cheerful today. You would start rehearsing the piece you had written today, and now that you'd been able to get over the initial insecurities you'd had, you felt really excited about this first rehearsal.

"Good morning, Jade."

You grinned at your brand new name, rummaging through your bag. Tossing aside a water bottle and some elastic bands, you found what you were looking for. Your eyes scanned over the words, making sure you had taken the right document out of the stack you had brought with you, before stretching out your arm in the direction of the music guy. He looked in your direction questioningly. Your grin turned into a warm, although somewhat insecure smile.

"If you're okay with it, your name is Sam from now on."

He read your script in silence, a small smile appearing on his face.

"Who says I can even act?"

"Who said I was able to play the lead role of my own story?"

He threw his head back in laughter, and you watched, surprised you were able to get such an exuberant reaction out of him.

Your alarm chose that exact moment to go off, the bright letters "START REHEARSAL" instantly reforming the knot in your stomach. You frowned at yourself. Weren't you over it by now? It was time to start the whole thing and you were still nervous, for God's sake.

"Hey, you'll be fine. Even better, you get to kiss the guy everyone wants to marry. You should relax more, maybe you can enjoy acting again then."

You tore your eyes away from your phone and onto Sam's face. His comment didn't help at all, and your face must have shown it, because his eyes went from warm to panicked, and your guilt punched the knot of nerves in your stomach. What a mess you'd made of all of this, already. You managed to send a tired smile in his direction, trying to salvage as much as you could from whatever it had been that had made him open up to you a bit.

"Thanks for trying to calm me, really it means a lot. I think I'll calm down once this rehearsal is over though. Are you ready? You're in the scene I want to start the rehearsal with."

He nodded again, awkwardly showing you the flute he was holding, and followed you to the middle of the room where you beckoned everyone to come join you so you could start.

Taking one last deep breath, you started.

"Hi everyone! As you know, we're starting our rehearsals for my story today. If everything went well, you've all received the script for the character you're playing. I actually wanted to start with one of the last scenes,..."

Everyone nodded at you encouragingly throughout your little speech, and as you realised that these were all your friends who genuinely cared about you, you felt the knot in your stomach slowly untie itself.

The first scene you rehearsed was actually the ultimate confrontation between the good and the bad in your story. Your friend Ariel, whose name was now Ruby, played the villain in your story, and you played Jade, the lead character. This scene basically consisted of the fight between Ruby and the main character's love interest, Dante. The story situated itself in the medieval times. Dante had come to Ruby's tower to rescue Jade, who he believed was kidnapped by Ruby, but upon arriving, he - and the park's visitors - would discover that Jade wasn't actually kidnapped and Ruby had made it all up. Then, Jade would realise everything just in time to go up to Ruby's tower as well and rescue Dante, instead of the other way around. What could you say? You'd always been a feminist at heart. Dante was played by a great friend of yours, and you'd actually written this piece thinking he could play the male love interest, while Ariel would play the female lead role, but things had, evidently, taken a turn. The two of them had been friends way longer than you'd been friends with any of them, and even though the three of you were really close, you couldn't help but marvel at the chemistry the two of them had, something you and Dante would very much lack, or at least that's what your insecurities made you believe.

However, you didn't want to rewrite the entire thing just so you wouldn't have to play each other's love interest, and you had showed the script, including the initial cast, to everyone anyway, so it wasn't really something you could get out of without a whole lot of awkwardness.

The rehearsal started off well enough. Ruby was, as you'd expected, really, a brilliant villain, and apart from some minor corrections from you, everyone executed the script exactly the way you had in mind. You were starting to believe in this.

That was, until the very end of the play, in which Jade and Dante would get all cute because of the whole we-just-survived-a-villain-attack-and-thought-we'd-lost-each-other situation. You thought you'd mentally prepared yourself, really, you had, but apparently it hadn't been enough. The awkward tension was palpable, your own movements, usually so fluent, were now stiff, your rigid body seemingly forgetting how your limbs worked. No one said anything about it, but you felt it and you know the others did too.

And you tried to pull out of that awkward moment, tried to chase your insecurities away, you really did, but they seemed to cling to you, and the longer it lasted, the worse your mood became. When you almost fell off of the stage because you'd instinctively set a step backwards when Dante had tried to pull you into his arms, you knew you couldn't continue like this.

Hastily, you grabbed your jacket, quickly telling everyone you would have a 15-minute break and that they'd done a good job, before hurriedly walking out of the building, and into the cold.

_______________________________________

The wind quickened your tears, and you angrily wiped them away before they could hit your neck, mad at yourself for allowing them to fall down. You knew you'd had to get back inside your rehearsal room eventually, and while everyone had a good image of what you were doing, you weren't looking forward to letting them see the evidence.

Most of all though, you felt vulnerable. Vulnerable because you had failed, and because everyone had witnessed you doing it. Vulnerable because your biggest insecurities had just come true.

"Hey, what is up with you?"

You looked up, watching as Ruby flopped herself down on the bench you were sitting on, turning herself so she was completely facing you. She wore an expression of confusion, and worry.

You let go of your eye contact, your eyes drilling holes in the soil beneath your feet. You owed her the truth. In fact, you owed your entire crew the truth. Being completely honest with yourself, you knew that was the only way this play would end up being a success. You took a deep breath.

"I'm just....not equipped to play Dante's love interest."

You couldn't look at her, too ashamed, but her voice conveyed honest surprise, which, in turn, made you surprised. Didn't she realise how obvious it all was?

"What are you talking about? You were fine until you had to reunite with Dante, and if you didn't like physical contact or if you were extremely hesitant for anything romantic, I'd agree with you and say you should probably focus on roles you are very good at, but you, you're a hopeless romantic at heart, and you like physical contact. Why is it so difficult then? I'm not making fun of you, I genuinely don't understand."

You scoffed, too caught up in your own head, annoyed at her lack of understanding.

"How can you not? I've never had a boyfriend, and that explains everything. Don't you see? It's not that I don't want to play a character that's in love, and I'm sure that if I managed to calm down I'd even enjoy it, but whenever I come close to Dante I feel like "forever single" is practically inked on my forehead."

You had, by now, managed to look at your friend, your annoyance chasing away a bit of the previous insecurity and shame. Her face morphed into a look of understanding, and you didn't know if that made you feel better of worse.

"I know it's a bit intimidating to play Dante's love interest, and I know that, like, everyone wants to date him, or at least gushes about how good-looking he is, but that doesn't mean that you can't play his love interest. Stop thinking you're too ugly to be around beautiful people."

If you hadn't been feeling so terrible, you might have literally facepalmed. Maybe you should've seen this coming, but Dante being known as the Adonis of your group really was the least of your worries.

"Wait...what? No, this has nothing to do with him being attractive, you know he and I are only friends. In fact, I think you would be great as his girlfriend, I would totally ship that. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that he's just a friend and it's not about playing his love interest, it's about playing someone's love interest in general. I just...what if it looks completely stupid? I know it looked stupid now. I can imagine all these cute things in my head, but then when I have to execute them, the only thing I can think about is that no one wants to do this with me in real life, and that just...I don't know. You all one by one find the love of your lives, or at least good partners you're happy and in love with, and it...it just makes me wonder if I'll ever be good enough to have that myself, as well."

"Oh, honey..."

You felt Ruby's arm wrap around you, her hand stroking your back, and you eyes filled themselves with tears again. She wasn't a physical person and therefore didn't like touching people, but she did now for you because she knew that you were. The tears started falling again.

"I mean, I knew you were ready to have a boyfriend, or like, to commit to someone and be in love with them, but I didn't know you were so insecure about not being in a relationship, and now I wish I'd realised that earlier. But you have to realise that while you're insecure now because you think no one is going to want you, you're going to be insecure about not deserving a boyfriend when you have one. Trust me, the insecurities don't go away, they just change. I guess what I'm trying to say is... don't wait for that moment that you're someone's girlfriend, the insecurities aren't going to magically disappear then. Now's the time to work on them. And, this shouldn't matter, but for the record: I fully believe that you are very worthy of being someone's girlfriend, and when the right person comes along, you'll give your all, because that's who you are, and it'll go a lot better than most of the relationships you wish to have yourself now. For now though, just have fun. You get to kiss Dante and make lots of bratty girls jealous!"

You chuckled at her attempt to cheer you up. You were really grateful for her. The two of you were complete opposites, and her radiance sometimes made you insecure, but right now, with her words, you believed yourself a worthy person again, and that meant more than you could express.

"That's what Sam said, too."

Ruby's eyebrows went up at lightning speed, her eyes wide.

"Wait, he talks? And he told you you'd be a good girlfriend?"

You rolled your eyes, but also noted how you had to fight the blush off of your cheeks.

"No, dummie, he told me I'd be able to kiss the guy - and I quote - everyone wants to marry. I guess he's not wrong, a lot of female visitors do seem to want to faint whenever he includes them in improvs."

Your friend chuckled, and, her laugh being so infectious, you chuckled along with her. Then, when you didn't expect it, she jumped off of the bench, beckoning you to follow her. As she entered the rehearsal room, she yelled that you'd come with her, and as the rest of the group started cheering, you realised that that had been a good choice.

_______________________________________

"Dante, hold on, I'm coming!"

A few of your younger spectators started whispering excitedly as you stepped into view, quickly climbing a long, round staircase to get to platform on which Dante and Ruby were battling. You were busy concentrating on tripping and falling off of the stairs. That had happened once during your rehearsals, and if you hadn't still been in the lower half of the stairs and if Sam hadn't discarded his flute to catch you, you probably wouldn't have been able to play Jade. While that scenario would've actually sounded appealing a few weeks ago, you had to admit now that you loved playing the lead role in this play.

You threw yourself in the battle, pulling just about the bluntest sword out of its holder around your waist, and clashing with Ruby's. Needless to say, Ruby was no match for you and Dante together, and with a dramatic last breath of air - and a smirk only you and Dante could see from so high up - she fell backwards, tumbling down. This part had actually taken quite some organisational talent. Right in front of the platform you were battling on, there was the staircase, while there was some kind of wall behind the platform. Ruby always fell down behind the wall, where multiple thick layers of soft material made her fall softly and unharmed. The visitors, however, only saw her tumbling down the platform, which made for a very dramatic effect. Of course, Ruby, out of all people, loved it the most.

While the enthusiastic applause intensified, you and Dante fell into each other's arms. You separated a bit, and patiently waited as Dante pulled a lock of your hair behind your ear, something that was in the script. Then, he leaned down slightly, pulling you in for a small, but cute kiss. This wasn't your first time enacting the play, and so you'd gotten used to kissing Dante, and even though you both really didn't have romantic feelings for each other and this was only just a play, you found that the enthusiasm during that kiss from both the kids and adults who were watching, had cured a lot of your insecurities over time.

Hand in hand, you walked down the stairs. Beneath you, the crowd started cheering again, and Dante squeezed your hand, smiling at you. You knew he was congratulating you for once again bringing the play to a successful end. Every time the two of you walked down those stairs, he did it, and every time, you were really grateful.

Once down, your entire crew formed a line, taking each others hands to make a collective bow. You were already holding Dante's, and reached with your other hand to Ruby, but to your surprise, Ruby completely dodged it and went to stand next to Dante on his other side. You were about to grin, your hopes at getting them together once more reviving, before Ruby looked at you and sent you a wink. You were puzzled for a second, until you felt your fingers being intertwined with someone else's, a warm, and, let's be honest, a bit of a clammy hand. Normally, your entire crew held hands with closer fingers, kind of a palm-to-palm thing, so this was a surprise. You were quick to turn your head, and looked straight into Sam's warm eyes. He flashed you a shy smile, and congratulated you on your performance. You smiled back, bowing down with the rest of your crew.

When you got home tonight, you wouldn't slip off your smile along with your costume, for you finally understood that you were just as worthy of a fairytale as all the princesses, goddesses and fairies you had played along the way.

[chappedandfadedvds]

Nov 13th, Friday 23:16

Jens stood in the doorway to his mother’s bedroom, as she was fixated on the screen of her laptop, sitting propped up against the backrest behind her. A thick blanket covered her, as she froze easily lately, always big wollen socks on her feat and a cozy cardigan within arms reach.

She looked up at him, the blue light in contrast to the warm orange tone of the lamp on her nightstand.

„Everything’s alright?“

Jens could just shake his head. 

They had eaten dinner and his mother had brought Lotte to bed, while Jens had chatted with Yasmina for an hour, going over the short presentation they had to prepare for french. And after all that was done, he had sat at his desk, feeling incredibly lonely, without any real reason.

His mother smiled at him, lifting the blanket on her right side, as she closed the laptop and put some loose papers with it away onto the nightstand.

Jens didn’t hesitate and quickly went to join her side, sliding down low enough that the blanket reached his chin, much to his mother’s enjoyment, as she laughed and ruffled his hair. He complained for the briefest moment, not saying another word when his mother began to carefully comb though it with her fingers.

„Lucas is a nice boy.“

Startled at his mother’s attentiv words, he looked up from his position, clearly not having expected her to have met him. Not that she didn’t know that a friend would sleep over, but his mom had only kept to her room for the whole day til the evening. Jens had only brought her late breakfast before he had seen Lucas out after second period.

„You two talked?“ He inquiered curious and very impatient for an answer, as his mother grinned at him. Almost letting him think that something must have happend.

„Well when you brought Lotte to school, I thought I may get some water and smoke in the kitchen. Lucas came downstairs not a minute later and found me, my freshly rolled joint in hand. He was a bit overwhelmed, I reckon.“ Yea Jens could definitely see that. „But he immidiately asked if I also wanted some tea and how could I decline his polite offer, so we both drank our tea and smoked a bit, while he told me about himself. That he was from the Netherlands and you helped him out on his first day. And that he is glad to have made one friend so quick, as with the corona regulations in place, he would have felt very isolated. I told him he was welcome any day, before I went back upstairs for work.“

His mother finished, leaving Jens quite surprised as Lucas hadn’t said a word to him about having had met her. Also they smoked weed together? In what kind of world did one’s...potential boyfriend?...smoke weed with one’s mother? Sure she did it for medical reasons, hence the really good stuff she had, nonetheless it didn’t change the absurd picture building inside his head. 

It was then that she seemed to remember something else.

„Oh right! He took a picture of me too, that was quite fun. He said he liked to take photographs for his account or something along those lines. He told me how to sit and everything. It was quite nice and you couldn’t really see how shit I looked, my hair even looked like it used to be, not so thin and flat. It felt quite nice. But what I just wanted to tell you is that I like him and I’m fine with you inviting him over whenever. And that I didn’t tell him about my illness.“

Jens wasn’t sure where to even start thinking, as the words and their meaning fromed in his mind. What photographs? What account? Also his mom specifically stated that she liked him...did she assume there was more and wanted to let Jens know she was fine with it? 

„You okay there, sweetheart?“ She asked him carefully, as he was basically frozen in his position beside her. So he nodded to give her some sort of indication that he had listened to her and then looked up again, meeting her smile.

„I didn’t know that he enjoyed to take photos. His insta is pretty sparse contentwise.“

„Well you learn something new every day, especially with new friends, huh? But I think he said it was private or something. Just for himself.“

Okay new goal, get Lucas to show him his work. He was so curious to see, how the dutch boy saw the world around him. And if he had taken any pictures of Jens. That was probably the most important thing to figure out.

„Also thank you for not telling him. But you could have, if you wanted to. I don’t try to purposely hide you from my friends.“ His mother gave him a look, one that only could only mean she saw straight through his little lie. It was Jens who had told her mid lockdown in spring, that he wanted to have til the end of the year, if possible, to be allowed to keep living a halfway normal live as a teenager. Just get some more normalitiy with his friends. He wanted to attend parties and hook up with girls, make stupid videos for their youtube and play videogames all day, without their pity or constant offer to help him out. 

He knew it was a lot to ask of her, but she had assured him that she was fine and that she could understand him and would try her best to do as much as long as possible. He still was sometimes overcome by a faint tug of guilt at his conciousness. Jens was selfish in that regard. It just got so much harder in the last couple of month, the balance shifting gradually to Jens taking over most tasks. The year also came to an end and with it the fear that he may not even be able to push his pending explanation of truth towards even january. 

Every week he just prayed for another one to follow after, to procrastinate till he grew old.

He knew very well that that wasn’t going to happen.

He just couldn’t quite accept that fact yet.

Jens lifted his head, shuffeling closer to his mother, lying his head onto her lap, as she continued to comb through his hair. She wasn’t talking.  She was just there in that moment. Existing, breathing, alive.

„I want to sleep here tonight.“ His voice was dropping into a whisper, a little ashamed to ask his mom at his age, but he only heard her chuckling quietly, a quick „of course, I’d love that very much“ followed by a kiss on the top of his head.

He couldn’t hold back the little smile on his lips, happy to have a bit more time with his mother, even if it would just be tonight. That was alright with him.

They both started moving, ready to find some sleep, as his mother turned of the lamp on her nightstand and slid down, the blanket pulled up high, mimicking her son.

Jens was so tired, physically but much more mentally, that he immidiately drifted off, his eyes closed as the room turned dark and the warmth wrapped around him.

He could feel his mother blowing a kiss to his forhead, like she had done when he was still her little boy. He didn’t know how much he had needed this, when the last thing he heard was his mother telling him goodnight. Maybe there was a quiet quiver in her voice, Maybe it was just his imagination. He would never tell any of his friends about this. It was close to embarrasing. But in this minute it meant the world to him.

„Sleep well my brave boy. I love you.“

__ __ __

tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

[catsnuggler]

What didn't help my whole subconsciously-missionary-minded, silent-echoes-of-Mormonism socialism illusion, which made me think it would be selfish and wrong to demand my own liberation, was the misapplication of standpoint epistemology - put simply, when "identity politics" goes bad.

Putting the rest under a cut, because this is a long post.

While it's crude and ultimately incorrect to only say, for example, "Listen to Black voices", without emphasizing the critical thinking skills and empathy necessary to listen to Cornel West, and dismiss Candace Owens for the right-wing corporate hack that she is, what is for certain is that someone like me, a 100% white American settler of Mormon pioneer stock (on one side of my family, anyway), and with no formal education on the subject matter, doesn't have authority to speak on the experience of Black people in America. I have no argument against that, because it's true.

Continuing further, just because, in spite of the fact neither racism nor colonialism oppresses me, capitalism still does, this doesn't mean I have as much authority to speak on it as a Black member of the working class does, as anti-Black racism and capitalism compound on and depend on each other, making the lives of Black working class people more difficult than the lives of white working class people. Doesn't mean I can't speak on capitalism, just means I'm not the leading voice.

That being said - I'm going to talk as if I'm still a believing Mormon, let alone Christian, in this and the next paragraph, to better explain the subconscious workings of my mind, due to their brainwashing - the difference in our positions can be wrongly perceived, especially by someone raised in the illusory colonial missionary mindset, similar to the position of those with "the gospel" and those "of the world", where those with "the truth" have more, but are, like all, oppressed by "sin", yet at least believe themselves to have the knowledge and wherewithal to resist, while those "worldly" people aren't blessed with the wealth of God's Word, nor the solidarity of the church, and are thus further deprived of the perfection God desires for his children than those of His Flock already are, and must be ministered to, brought into the Fold, and Saved from On High.

Yet there must ever be a humility to such actions, there must ever be self-denial, for all are imperfect, even those in the church, as, just as Christ shed His blood, and allowed His flesh to be pierced, even to His death, in limitless sacrifice for the sins of all of the Children of Men, that they may be redeemed, so have countless socialist, communist, and anarchist revolutionaries died for the cause, and yet all who live, who do not seclude themselves from the world and its markets, facilitate the continued exploitation and robbery of each other by the capitalist class. All are imperfect, and all would deserve bondage and bloodshed, were it not for the bleeding hearts of the martyrs.

So, you see, even someone who consciously attempts to reject Christianity can still fall victim to its logic, even after abandoning the official doctrine of it, if proper safeguards against the general thought processes of it are not taken. Returning to the original point I've tried to raise, I've fallen for a long time to a Christian-esque stance of personal martyrdom for the sake of "saving others" to the point I believed pursuing my own liberation would be selfish.

I'm mentally ill and neurodivergent to the point that getting myself to even get into the habit of seeking jobs is difficult, much more so landing myself an interview; and getting an offer of employment? Only happened once, at the end of my first interview. As you predicted, the job sucked, they were desperate to hire me because it sucks, and it wasn't 3 months before I quit. I quit in late September of 2018. It's been almost 3 years of me not having a job.

I got my driver's license in mid 2019, but got into a minor parking accident that only broke a headlight on the car I drove, and didn't damage the other car, in September of that year. It was over a year before I drove again, because of the depth of my depression and anxiety over one accident, which cost about $150. Since January of this year, I've driven somewhat regularly, and have some measure of confidence, but am still anxious every time I'm behind the wheel. I could drive to and from a job, if needed, but it would be a while before that would be comfortable.

I still live with my dad, at the age of 23, and barely have any friends where I live anymore; those local friends I still have, I haven't seen face-to-face for a long time. My dad... my dad could die any day, and I would be royally fucked. Something happened earlier this month, and he wasn't healthy before, but this was really serious. He amazingly got away with few symptoms, and can make a full recovery with the right effort, except... it could still happen again, it would just be less likely. If it does, he could die. Again, I would be royally fucked. I don't know how much his treatment cost, but I know it must be a pretty penny. There's only so long I can continue like this.

Due to my dependence and general impotent state, I can't do a goddamn thing for what I believe in right now. I have to fight self-hatred with the argument that if I die, I'll have died useless and unhelpful, when I could potentially have kept living til I got my act together and finally done something helpful before passing.

I have a college degree. Not a "real" degree, in the sense of it mattering, but I have an Associate degree, DTA. No major; I never could figure out what I wanted to do. It would have been a close call between anything in political science, which would have led toward a government job, which would be unacceptable as an anarchist, or perhaps a professorial job, teaching would-be politicians and bureaucrats, hardly educating anyone of revolutionary intent; or something in chemistry, perhaps biochemistry, leading to some kind of colonial agrichem shit, or making expensive medicines nobody would be able to afford for private entities' profits, possibly having research appropriated by Uncle Sam for weapons purposes - I don't know, but none of that was appealing. I graduated community college with Honors, as a member of the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society. I could have had promise as some or other kind of technocrat or bureaucrat - but I wouldn't be able to live with myself. It seems the less one is exploited, the more they exploit others. I don't know what job I can take that would exploit me enough that I wouldn't hurt others so much, while leaving me alone enough that I wouldn't kill myself, which... which has been a temptation, at times. Not too strong, but it is fucking there. I have promise; at short-term memorization and obedience, at least, like a mongrel dog who can read; but no conviction, no confidence, and a surplus of fear.

There are more woes I can recollect, I can continue this pity party in a book, but enough of that. Suffice it to say, all this time, I should have wanted my own liberation. Colonized people (in an American context, Turtle Island Indigenous and Black) have it worse, LGBT* people have it worse, women have it worse, physically disabled people have it worse, people with greater mental disabilities than my own have it worse, and I can't lead any of their struggles. But I do have the right to demand my own liberation, and I shouldn't convince myself otherwise.

*I don't oppose the use of the other word, except people of my demographic have abused that word so goddamn much, I don't want to type it, myself, let alone say it. It's always tainted when it comes from those who aren't of that community. Please don't think I'm either a radfem or a libfem just because I didn't use that word. I support people identifying with that label in using it.

This post became increasingly personal toward the end. However, I hope my flawed perspective, perhaps unique (read: unrelatable) in some aspects, perhaps explaining, at least in part, some of the fucked-up mental hurdles of white socialist "allies" that we need to get our asses over yesterday, might help - whatever I might have illuminated, and whatever I surely missed. I can understand why someone might want to share and add, share and criticize, or leave this alone with a like, nothing at all, or an unfollow.

Not that I can prevent this from being shared in any way, except by not posting in the first place, but I'm okay with it being shared by other socialists, for whatever it's worth... although I understand the more traction it gets, the more likely I'll get anon hate about being full of myself (deserved, to an extent at least), for being some dumb socialist cuck (not exactly wrong, but rude, and likely from a Nazi, so fuck you), or perhaps from non-Mormon Christians accusing me, someone they'd call a Mormon (which is arguably almost a new ethnicity (not race though) as much as it is a religion) of daring to throw the Christian god and Christianity, in general, under the bus, accusing me of being in league with the devil. So be it.

If you're not a reactionary, nor a liberal, nor somewhere in-between, and you want to share this for some reason or another, you may do so.

[angst-in-space]

november ‘20 writing progress

total words written: 50.1k

most words written in a day: 3,024

least words written in a day: 268

current yearly total: 233,516

projects worked on:

- sylvix dreamscape fic - finished a draft of the sylvix christmas fic for the sylvix advent calendar event! - finished a draft of the klance hotel au! - worked on altea rising recap summary, and worked a tiny bit on chapter 19

november goals: - win nanowrimo?? lol - finish/submit final draft of my piece for long live zine (note: ok i only didn’t accomplish this bc it’s not due til mid-december, the deadline changed so lol) - finish a draft of the sylvix xmas fic - work on the sylvix dreamscape fic - finish (or at least work on) the kl hotel au?? - uhh at least finish the recap summary thing that i’m writing for altea rising? maybe if i feel extra spicy i’ll actually work on the actual fic lmfao (note: well, i didn’t FINISH the recap summary but i did want to note i worked on it a lot and only have like a chapter and a half left to summarize so YAY!) - perhaps do some more planning on my original story idk

december goals: - reach my yearly goal of writing 250k words....*sweats* - finish/submit final draft of piece for long live zine - finish editing and publish the sylvix xmas fic! - finish/publish [redacted] and [redacted] (two short secret things i’m working on, lol) - work some more on the sylvix dreamscape fic - finish the altea rising recap summary (and....maybe work a little on chapter 19 if i have time)

notes:

WELL UH.....that was certainly....a Month. there was a lot going on in the world, plus doing my part-time editing job, etc. etc. but i somehow managed to win nanowrimo?? which still doesn’t feel real to me, since i haven’t won in like....5 years. so i’m not really sure what possessed me to write so much but I DID IT and that was such a good feeling!

i finished two fics during november which i feel like is an all-time record lmao. but anyway, first of all i finished a draft of the klance hotel au that i started like...last summer, so i’m excited about that!! honestly not sure when i’m gonna publish it because i have three fics i need to publish this month already so uhhh might put that up in january, but we shall see!

i also finished a draft of the sylvix christmas fic, which i will be publishing on december 16th, so look out for that one!! it’s being beta’d right now and i will probs have to do a bit more editing but over all i’m quite excited about it and can’t wait to post it :’’)  other than that, i’d say most of my efforts went into the sylvix dreamscape fic. right now i think i’m like five(??) chapters into it, and saving up chapters so i can post them one by one on a somewhat regular schedule, but that might still not be for a month or two because i have several other things i need to post in the next few weeks anyway, lol. 

i also worked a ton on the altea rising recap summary which i’m almoooost done with, i just have like a chapter and a half left to summarize so *wheezes* i’m almost there... i also got a teensy bit of progress done on chapter 19 which is the first time i’ve worked on the actual fic in ages dkfdj. not rlly sure when i am going to start updating it again but....i do have a few more chapters of it done, they just need to be edited and whatnot. but idk it may still be a while (oh god it’s been like two years since i updated it huh....sobs violently). 

in addition to that.... i have two other fics i plan on publishing this month, both of which are Secret. one of them is for a fandom/pairing i’ve never written before but i’ve had a lot of fun writing it and i really look forward to publishing it when the time comes! the other is for a lil secret santa exchange and i only have a vague idea of what i’m writing for it but....AAAAH i think it will be fun to write!! 

so uh yeah december is gonna be a bit of a crunch for me bc i have three fics i need to publish, plus a piece i need to submit for a zine...*falls on the floor* but hey it will be cool to actually publish some things this month, so y’all can look forward to that! ;) 

[hartigays]

“Can’t you stay a little longer?” for harringrove 💓💓💓

36. “Can’t you stay a little longer?”

no one is immune to steve harrington’s pout.

he has it down to a science. with just the right amount of puppy dog eyes and the hint of a quivering bottom lip, whoever is on the receiving end of the pout is immediately reduced to putty in steve’s hands.

billy hargrove, however, seems to have built up a resistance to this particular pouting technique. which is like, next level annoying, in steve’s opinion.

“i gotta be at work at five tomorrow morning, princess,” billy reminds him, still rummaging around on the floor for his jeans. “jesus fuck, steve. ever heard of hanging your shit up?”

a pair of slacks are chucked in steve’s direction. they land perfectly across his face. steve has half the mind to just leave them there and continue pouting. instead, he tosses them back on the floor, whining low in his throat.

“can’t you stay just a little bit longer?” steve asks, leaning over the side of the bed to try and meet billy’s eyes.

billy is distracted, finally having found his pants. he hauls himself off the ground, yanking his jeans on one leg at a time, before leaning over the bed and pressing a sweet kiss to steve’s lips.

“would if i could, sweetheart. but it’s pushing midnight, i gotta go.”

this wouldn’t be a problem if billy would just ask steve to move in with him. which is absolutely what steve wants.

but, but. their relationship is new. billy had gone back to california the summer after graduation, and hadn’t returned until late october. reconnecting with steve hadn’t happened until mid-november.

their relationship? its humble beginnings occurred in early january, a few days after steve had shared a sloppy, drunken kiss with billy on new year’s eve. it’s barely been four weeks since then, so the probability of billy spontaneously asking steve to shack up with him is, hm. let’s see. down in the negatives? that sounds about right.

normally, steve just stays at billy’s apartment six out of seven days a week. but on nights like this, when billy has to be up at the asscrack of dawn to open the auto shop, steve is relegated back to his parents’ house.

which, by the way, he’s planning to be out of. as soon as he possibly can. it’s just that shit went down the summer after graduation, alright? upside down related shit. steve didn’t have time to get his shit together for a good while after that. trauma and shit, you know?

but he’s finally back at work, currently working with his father until he can figure something else out. and steve is stuck in this house until he can save up enough money to afford his own place.

so. several factors prevent steve from waking up next to billy every single day of his life. all of these factors are ones that steve would physically obliterate if they had a corporeal form.

sadly, they do not. meaning steve is stuck doing the adult thing and going through the motions of day-to-day life until he can grab that fairytale ending with billy by the horns and make it his bitch.

“i hate your job,” steve whines, intensifying the harrington pout.

he captures billy’s necklace between his fingers, preventing him from pulling back. it allows steve to press another kiss to his boyfriend’s lips. slow at first, but steve doesn’t waste time deepening the kiss, turning it into something more heated.

steve tugs billy closer, tangling his fingers in his curls and opening his mouth to him. billy makes this desperate sound in the back of his throat at the first stroke of steve’s tongue against his, nearly falling directly on top of him.

“steve,” billy gasps out, pulling back as best as he can with steve’s hand fisted in his hair. “i swear to god. you’re gonna kill me one of these days.”

billy’s cheeks are flushed bright red, his pupils blown wide and his breathing labored. he looks wrecked in a way that steve can’t ever seem to get enough of.

“if you’d just stay...” steve trails off, pressing little open-mouthed kisses along the column of billy’s throat.

“steve. steve. baby, look,” billy starts, extracting himself from steve’s grip and sitting up. “‘s already hard enough to leave without you coming with me, alright? if i stay, there’s no chance of me going into work at all tomorrow. only way i can get up at five a.m. is if i know i get to come home to you after.”

“you’d get to come home to me either way, though.”

billy smiles, kissing the tip of steve’s nose. “if i stay here with you, it’s going to be next to impossible to get me out of this bed in the morning. feels too damn good to sleep the whole day away with you to say no.”

“ugh, okay,” steve groans, his frown deepening. “fine. i know you have to pay rent. i just. i hate it when you leave. sucks not waking up next to you.”

“i know,” billy tells him. his voice is soft in a way that’s reserved for steve and steve alone. “i hate it too. but - hey, look at me. come over when my shift is done, yeah? i’m off for the whole weekend. you have me all to yourself ‘til monday.”

steve smiles, nodding earnestly. “yeah, okay. i guess i can handle one night until then.”

billy takes his hand and tugs him upright, then captures his lips in a lazy kiss. steve smiles into it, before pulling away and resting his forehead against billy’s.

“you better tell your gaggle of children that you’re all booked up for the weekend,” billy says, giving steve a pointed look. “if dustin walks in on us one more time i’m going to beat his ass to the moon. since, you know. you insisted on giving him a key.”

steve gives him an innocent smile. “what kind of mother would i be if i didn’t?”

“christ. you’re ridiculous, you know that?”

“i think you’ve mentioned it once or twice.” steve’s smile is sugar-sweet.

billy just manhandles him onto his back, tickling him without mercy. steve yelps in surprise, the sound of his giggles filling the room.

the clock reads two in the morning when billy finally makes it home. but it’s worth it. steve makes it to billy’s place later that evening, a duffle bag slung over his shoulder and a blinding grin on his face. it’s absolutely worth it.

dustin still barges in on them first thing saturday morning. billy almost kicks his ass to the moon. ends up cooking the little shit mac n’ cheese instead, somehow.

neither steve or billy will ever tell, but. it’s definitely still worth it.

send me a number + a pairing!

[toddperrys]

Two Minutes Til Midnight

This is so self-indulgent you have no idea, but I hope someone enjoys it maybe??? Anyhow, Happy New Years and I hope you all have a wonderful 2020!!!

In the final minutes of the decade, Anna spontaneously decides to confess her love for her childhood best friend and, more recently, college crush, Kristoff. However, it soon takes an unexpected turn.

Read it on AO3 here

Anna hunched her shoulders and pushed through the crowd gathered around the TV in the den. She reached Kristoff, who, thanks to his enormous frame, had no trouble looking over the partygoers to see the flashing images of Times Square as the camera panned from the crush of people to the glittering ball hovering above their heads. 

“Hey,” Anna said. 

Kristoff flinched, nearly spilling the wine in his hand. “Anna,” he said, relieved. “You surprised me.” He gave an easy smile and she felt her cheeks warm. 

She and Kristoff had been inseparable since childhood when he moved in across the street and the two became fast friends. Things began to change when they started college the previous fall. Suddenly, Anna took notice of the warm brown of his eyes, the way his hair turned to gold in the afternoon light, the timbre of his voice, the strength in his biceps…

She shook her head. The rise and fall of conversation filled her ears and her eyes returned to Kristoff. “Sorry about that,” she said, wiping her palms against her jeans. 

“Just a few minutes until twenty twenty,” he said. He raised his glass, “Here’s to the new decade together, just one of many.”

Anna touched her cup to his. The soft clink of their glasses reverberated in her ears as she took a sip. The wine’s sickly sweet taste coated her throat, momentarily muddying her senses and softening the scraping of silverware against ceramic and the cackling of makeup-covered women in clattering acrylic nails. Her gaze wandered to Kristoff, who somehow managed to stand out against the blurred backdrop of the party in crisp lines and a riot of gold, brown, burgundy, and gray. He seemed to draw her in, as if an invisible hook had lodged itself in her heart and was urging her forward. Before she could stop herself, the words came out in a tumble.

“KristoffcanItalktoyouforamoment?”

He blinked, “Sorry?”

Anna hesitated. She could make something up, say she was just muttering to herself, but something inside her pushed her on. Too late to back out now, it whispered. 

“Kristoff, can I talk to you for a moment?” she finally managed. “Alone?”

“Yeah, whatever you need,” Kristoff said. 

Anna steeled herself and lead him out of the living room and through the quiet darkness of the house until they reached a pair of french doors leading to a balcony. She pushed them open, the freezing night air nipping at her exposed face and fingers. Frost coated the lawn below and crept over the balcony’s railing. Several rough hewn flower pots stood near the threshold, empty save for a few withered corpses of plants fallen victim to the bitter winter. They stepped outside and Anna closed the doors behind them. 

“Are you gay, too?” Kristoff asked. 

Anna snorted, “I’m not coming out, Elsa already did that.”

He chuckled and stepped forward, resting his arms on the railing and lifting his eyes to the night sky where a single star struggled to peek through the thick layer of fog. His breath came out in icy clouds in time with the rise and fall of his chest. The night hugged the curve of his nose and cut of his jaw. Beautiful, Anna thought. 

“So, if you aren’t coming out then what is it you want to tell me?” Kristoff asked, turning to Anna. 

Anna swallowed hard, “You know, we’ve been friends for a long time.”

“A long time is an understatement,” Kristoff said. “You were quite possibly the first real friend I’d ever had.”

Anna was suddenly grateful for the darkness hiding her blush, “Oh, come on, you’re a charming guy, I’m sure you had other people before me.”

“Not a lot of people saw much in me. To them, I was just the poor orphaned boy who lived with his grandparents and his shy cousin, Sven. No one reached out until you.” Kristoff said. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “You’re more amazing than you’ll ever know.” 

Anna shrugged, “I don’t know about that, Elsa’s always been the special one. She’s the one who left people in awe with her voice, who got into Juilliard and built herself a name and a fortune using nothing but her own talent and grit.”

“Amazing doesn’t always come in big, showy packages you know,” Kristoff answered. “Sometimes it just comes in someone who just stands by your side no matter what. You’ve done that for me all our lives.”

“That’s just what you’re supposed to do,” Anna said. 

Kristoff laughed, “And that’s what makes you so special. You don’t even realize that your kindness is a rarity, that you’re a treasure.” 

His gaze scanned her face and she suddenly felt bare. Her jeans were wrinkled from being shoved in the corner of her room the previous night. Her makeup was smeared, revealing an angry red pimple on her chin. The cashmere sweater she thought looked dazzling in the mirror at home suddenly seemed to pale in comparison to the designer cocktail dresses and silk blouses the guests inside wore. He’s seeing me for what I am, she thought, averting her gaze. A sidekick, a sad imitation of Elsa, someone to be pitied. 

“I think I love you,” Kristoff said softly, his voice nearly swallowed by a gust of mid-Winter wind.

Anna slowly raised her eyes to his. There was a faint ringing in her ears, warmth rising in her chest. “W-what?” 

Kristoff paused. His face went distant as the gravity of what he’d said hit him. Anna recognized the look from mere minutes before, when her mouth betrayed her and brought Kristoff out here to tell him the very same thing. 

His adam’s apple bobbed as he gulped and faced her. “I said I love you.” 

Blood roared in her ears and the world suddenly came into screaming focus. The scent of Kristoff’s cologne, evergreen and mint with a hint of mulberry, tantalized her nose. The cold suddenly turned brutal, stinging and burning her skin as it fought against the warm caress of her clothes. She could hear the party inside as the guests’ voices joined in a chorus, counting down the final moments of the year, “five...four…” It all paled next to Kristoff--handsome, brave, selfless Kristoff, with his powerful shoulders and bottomless laugh. Kristoff, the one who loved her.

The chorus rose into a roar behind her, “Three...two...”

“I love you, too,” she said. The wind hummed in her ear. The bare trees shivered and knocked against each other in anticipation. 

“One.”

Kristoff pushed forward, taking Anna’s hands in his and pulling her close. His movements were charged with excitement, his eyes dancing with a wild look barely contained by his own good nature. “May I kiss you?”

Anna squeezed his fingers, “You may.”

“Happy New Year!”

His lips found hers, and all at once the cold was chased away, her insecurities melted into nothing, and the world felt safe. The whooping from inside disappeared and the icy landscape dissolved. Her heart pounded and her head spun and she couldn’t tell if the kiss or the alcohol was to blame.

They pulled apart as the noise died down, leaving them surrounded by the newborn January silence. Kristoff leaned forward to touch his forehead to Anna’s.

“You’re so special,” he murmured. “So special.”

Anna caressed his cheek, his stubble scratching against her fingertips. “You are too,” she said. 

She could feel the lone star watching them from above and hear the underbrush whispering as a breeze rustled its bare branches. The world felt reborn, cleansed of its flaws and cast in a silver lining. 

Here’s to the first kiss, she thought, peeking out into the black. And the next, and the next, and the next.

[oldladyblogs]

While I technically finished this mid June (right in time for my birthday!), I just framed it and staged it a little bit ago. I'm lazy, my bad.

I made this same thing back in January for Jackie's birthday, and I wanted to make myself one since. I told myself I would wait til after the BOD was done. Well, blanket was finished, I wanted it, I made it!

Purple is one of my favorite colors. I didn't use the exact colors I wanted, but I also wanted to match the beads I had because I LOVE bead work. I'd throw beads on everything if I could.

Somehow, tending to my succulents and houseplants has become one of my new favorite things. I have a good 100 or so different succulents (not all in individual pots!), and then I have about 30 houseplants? It's become a Thing. Y'all should see my room! It's become a mini garden!

If you’d like, this pattern is available over at my shop

[chopcult]

👆👍👉 @parttimersteve @biltwell_peoples_champ *Update* This chop, due to my constant attention, was 95% done when the last round of voting occurred in mid January. 6 or 7 days a week, 6 to 8 hours a day(slinging drinks at night), driving 2 hours round trip to the shop, months on end, busting ass to get ahead of the competition. Since then, being a little burnt out, I've taken a vacation from this project. Recently though, I'm back at it finishing what's needed, which isn't much. Wiring, plug wires, fuel/oil/brake lines, throttle block/cable, a few minor mounts, loctite and torque what's still needed, and throw some fluids in. Then it'll be ready to heat cycle, break-in 500 miles, work out the kinks, check it all over once more, and then hammer down til June. Soon... @biltwell @chopcult #biltwellpeopleschamp #biltwell #chopcult (at Cook's Corner) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-mGNGrjUlv/?igshid=6n7pzfrl9eq5

[qualigs]

Introduction

So, as I approach my 69th birthday - and therefore the start of my 70th year - YIKES!!

I have decided that it must not be wasted. Recently I came across a website called "workaway.com" which facilitates the placement of workaways with hosts. It is a fantastic site and the germ of an idea was born.

My plan was to travel to Canada, stay on at least a couple of farms/ranches, where I would work in exchange for food and accommodation.....and combine this with taking the trans Canada train at least partway across Canada. I also intend to spend some time around the Sunshine Coast and with my brother Fraser, who lives out there.

After spending many long hours researching the various options, I sent about 10 emails to prospective hosts, expecting no replies or perhaps a few suggesting that "I was a bit past it for such a venture" and was amazed to find that I had replies from most and all of them were positive and happy to host me with my farming skills. So, how do I choose???

I'm a bit impetuous (who, me??) and impatient once I get started. Sense might have said to wait til the summer and spend the summer months on these ranches/farms, but I wanted to get going and genuinely wanted to work with animals more than anything and experience the winters in Canada.

Anyway to cut a long story short, I have now arranged to fly out mid-January to Vancouver via Toronto and then on to Prince George where I will be met for my 1st farm in Vanderhoof. Then towards the end of February, I will fly from Prince George to Edmonton where I will be met by my 2nd hosts who farm in Red Deer, Alberta. On both these farms I will help with lambing primarily, but all jobs which need to be done.

My plan then is to take the train from Edmonton to Toronto (3 days living on the train) before flying back home for Easter. (Good Friday 10th April). Unfortunately I will not have much time to see Fraser (apart from a stop-over in Vancouver) or explore the Sunshine Coast this trip.....but I already have the germ of an idea to maybe return in Autumn to put this right. We’ll see.

I hope to update this blog regularly and include some pics but it will depend on the internet out there......

[snazzyo]

In praise of J2M’s handling of the decision to end Supernatural

Supernatural has always been special.  And the way that they managed the news of the shows ending is another example of the care and skill they bring to the Supernatural experience.  This decision could have rolled out in so many different ways or different times that would have been much more devastating. But it’s clear from start to finish, the boys deftly managed this announcement in expert fashion.  Long ass post - skim the bold for the gist.  

Ways that showed careful attention to managing o this decision:

They unambiguously ending it versus the CW or the WB.   This is a victory for the show, for fandom, and for the boys.  And J2M didn’t just randomly make a decision. At some point this past year, they started to believe it was time to end.  But in order to make it a #SPNFamily choice they had to have some things fall in place and they had to time when they let people know in order for this to be a ‘choice’ rather than ‘cancellation’. Specifically:

They had to be renewed.  And renewed for 20 episodes.  This means the CW was prepared to continue at the ratings level they had achieved.  Once that happened, then J2M could take over the narrative.  Timing: renewal followed the traditional timeline of late January - which would give TPTB enough time to rewrite the last 4 episodes into a series finale if they needed to.  This has been a consistent pattern since S4.  The last time they totally flew off the cliff without a net was S3 (bless them!).  

They needed to time when they told Dabb & Singer. I’m pretty sure they told Andrew around the 31st of January - when CW made the renewal announcement. Some have made a case that this decision happened earlier and Andrew’s absence on Nov 16th (300th party) was related to him hearing S15 was ‘the end’ news.   BUT I'm thinking they did not share - or maybe hadn't even cemented the idea yet.  First, it would really dampen the mood.  Second, they wanted renewal.  Any hint of hanging it up at that party would have been hard to keep quiet. Too much press.  Too much alcohol.  So, I can't totally get on board with a final decision at that point.  Even if the boys were seriously talking about the remotely sad -- so they weren’t certain they were going to end at that time. These guys are good actors but not robots.  I think it would have shown.  BUT Andrew had to know how to shape the last 4 episodes of S14 (again end of January).  Which means the boys would have provided him the information that they were going to wrap in S15 and he should target the last 24 episodes as supporting that eventuality about that time.  

Either the CW was prepared to let the boys decide on duration or they waited til relatively the last minute so that the CW didn't restructure a shorter season.  I'm torn on this one.  Pedowitz has been respectful of the boys BUT there's definite bad blood on not picking up Wayward Sisters -- and the fan backlash. If Pedowitz did know early enough to weigh in on duration, he only did it for the boys.  Not the CW and not the fans.  He was visibly pissed at the fans backlash on Wayward Sisters.  And I'm 100% certain that him sticking the knife in the back of any other spin-off (which he did last fall by saying Supernatural is just the boys and he doesn't see another spin-off) is because Warner Brothers financial deal was not what he wanted.  Never underestimate the grudges that develop after failed negotiations (which is what the Wayward Sisters was -- it was all about the money).  So, I'm inclined to believe that Pedowitz knew before the announcement but not as quickly as Dabb and Singer did. The boys were more likely to hedge their bet here. THEY controlled the narrative by how they informed key players.

  They strategically timed the public announcement - literally the DAY of the wrap party. This accomplishes two important things for the crew. 

One, the crew WILL get new jobs but this gives them a full year to line up something new.  Some will jump early, some will jump no later than pilot season.  Others will go sporadically based on their intent. The point is that they have a rich portfolio to show and time to show it off to prospective bosses. 

Second, they gave the cast and crew to have one big happy cry-off/celebration.  The boys both stayed this year - which hasn't been the case in a while.  The party was immediately after the announcement - which meant they could have the bulk of the crew there before they headed off to various summer activities. And some now won't come back (as they leap to other jobs).  So it was a maximum crew party.   If there's one thing I'm confident of, it's that J2 understands they hold the livelihoods of so many in their hands.  You really couldn't have asked for a better handling of the end announcement from a crew perspective.   

  They clearly informed key recurring cast members before they made the announcement. This is a fitting professional courtesy to a trusted few.  Especially the ones that were likely to come back on the show.  So Speight, Benedict, Rhodes, Buckmaster, Connell, Smith.  Those guys knew for sure.  And knew no later than SPNNash.  But maybe not much earlier.  If these people were going to get a pilot during pilot season, their recurring role wouldn't have stopped them. 

Unambiguously, Misha was always part of the discussions IMO right from the jump.  He would have been engaged in the actual debate about what to do with J2 and when.  Because while it may be J2's show, Misha is IN that circle of trust.  He has a large dedicated fandom, he's got a huge international charity. And they just love him dearly.  Seriously, they ran a marathon cause he asked them to.  IMO if Misha needed more time, they would have given it to him.  But that's not Misha. He has zero sense of entitlement.    

But this also lets the recurring cast have a private freak-out because the show IS likely their primary professional income stream.  Veterans like Benedict & Rhodes have already been taking other gigs but the conventions mean big dollars too.  It's a nice testament to their friendship that they told them personally and early.

I think JDM was the exception.  I think Jensen told him that this was a real possibility before he signed onto the 300th.  I don't think they had made the final decision that early (pre-Christmas) but they were leaning that way.  

  The timing and approach of the public announcement ALSO massively helps the the fandom - They truly care about fandom. They understand this is going to be actually life-changing hard for some. But with this timing/approach they optimized it as best they could with a staggered process.

We get four more episodes this year while we are 'actively engaged'.  Versus some announcement during Hellatus when there's less folks on line.  It shifts our view of the last four episodes. 

It's done right before a massive con (SPNLV) where Jensen will sing (always a treat).  So it's really good pacing for us.  We get to react to the news and then hear MORE detail from them.  This is also the con that is broadcast via Stage-It.  Could be coincidence.  Maybe not. 

It keeps Comic Con a celebration not a bummer.  We'll start to 'wind up' versus be crushed. 

The announcement was a 1+1+2 strategy.  I don't know if they realized that. They said one positive (yay! S15), they got immediately to the bad news (it's the end), and then followed up with at least two positive statement (we're excited, this family doesn't go away).  Maybe it's instinct but it's a tried and true method.  (Full disclosure: 2+1+1 is the classic method, but I think they knew the jig would be up as soon as they started talking on the video so they ripped off the Band-Aid quickly).      

  All which leads me to the following speculation:

When they signed the S14/S15 contracts, they were prepared to walk away then.  It wasn't how they would want to end it, but they were going to prioritize family time.  Note: the timing of when they were 'asked back' was much later than I think they were hoping.  Based on things both Jared and Jensen said, I get the impression they were hoping to orchestrate the next two contracts earlier than Nov 17 (when they were 'asked back').  They had been talking 'mini-series' or other event-like content. I think understanding when/how they have leverage was informed by this relatively traditional November 'ask back' and this shaped how they went about the end announcement strategy.  But the 20 episode contracts with clearly more time off was both a necessity and a bit of a test -- would it hold up with that level of involvement?

I think they really expected Wayward Sisters to be picked up.  They thought crossovers with Wayward would help make a two-year transition smooth.  That they didn't get picked up, that Pedowitz crushed any spin-off hopes was significant in how they played the S15 decision.  Without Wayward, a S15 was necessary to give the crew time to land elsewhere IMO.  That also includes writers, producers, and recurring guests.  But the unexpected failure to pick up Wayward DID shift some storylines early in the season.  I think there is literally NOTHING left of Wayward tie-in after mid-season.  Except for a general "they exist in offscreenville' commitment.  As mentioned elsewhere Kathryn Newton was gonzo right away.  Yadira is on an Apple show with Jason Mamoa.  Kim has had guest appearances on other shows.  Briana has music going and probably actively looking for work for the last year.  The other 3 are back in the hopper, looking for acting gigs as far as I can tell. And I honestly think Berens still has a gaping chest wound from the loss of his hopes and dreams. I think Dabb has moved on but also feels the loss.  But without Wayward, the boys lost their structured soft ending for Supernatural. Maybe something pops up later (a special or movie) but that's dependent on how they end the series.  We won't know if it's even viable until 2020.  

They are truly ready to move on.  They've been prepared since Nov 2017.  I think they were open to more (under the 20 episode, less time contract terms) but they sense "now" is the time.  It could be the storylines, it could be the fan reaction to their less involvement (which has been understanding but generally unhappy), and it could be a variety of things.  Unless they say something specifically about the ' why now', I think it's fair to say they didn't see enough momentum to make it extend. Hence the 'go out on a high note'.  I'll be shocked if they ever criticize anyone or any story specifically.    

Bottom Line:  They brilliantly played the hand they were dealt.  It's so nice to be part of a fandom where the stars put such a priority on taking care of others.  It's why I buy in, completely, on the #SPNFamily concept. 

[schmilliam]

Time to Spare -- Spromeo

It‘s 2:30 PM, and Romeo is already bored to tears.

Outside his window, the January sun shines brightly, the sight at odds with the blistering winds and biting temperatures. With the outdoors being a living hell for any unfortunate soul who had to venture out, and with a lack of responsibilities for the rest of the day, Romeo finds himself holed up in his room. At this point, Netflix seemed the best option to kill time, but as the show progresses not even John Mulaney can ease the inattentive buzzing in the back of his mind. But whatever. It‘s something to do, and it passed time.

…not quickly enough, it seems. The show ends, and Romeo glances down at the screen’s clock again, sighing before absently clicking on the scroll bar and scanning through the next set of choices Netflix presented to him. After a moment he huffs, sliding down a little in the uncomfortable desk chair and clicking on a preview at random. As his eyes glaze over the summary, his phone dings, the noise sharp through the stuffy silence, and he scoops it up almost desperately.

Handsome: u busy?

A smile threatens to erupt as Romeo quickly unlocks his phone to respond.

Never too busy for you

Handsome: can i call?

ofc

Setting his phone down on his desk, Romeo has barely untangled himself from the blanket wrapped around him before his phone screen lights up, the ringtone cutting through the air. After a minute he stands, muttering “Yeah, yeah,” under his breath and kicking the blanket under his desk a little. Taking his phone again, his thumb swipes across the screen and he grins as Specs’ face flashes into view a minute later.

“Hey!” he greets, taking a few steps before flopping back onto his bed. His chest twinges a little as Specs smiles back, and Romeo tries to brush the lonely feeling away.

“Hey. How ya doin’?”

“Oh, fine, ya know. Third day of rehearsals, but who’s counting, huh?” He shrugs, quickly rolling his eyes before focusing once more on the screen. Specs must have found something to prop his phone against, given he was now leaning his chin on his hand.

“Yeah? Those goin’ good then?”

“I guess. First day was pushed back an hour, and then tonight’s got cancelled. So. I’m just kinda… sitting here.”

Specs stares at him a moment, and he doesn’t know if it’s the crappy dorm connection, or the lighting, or what, but he could swear Specs was trying to hold back a grin. “... bored?”

Romeo rolls his eyes, head dropping back as he falls into his pillows. “God, I’m so bored!” he groans. “Rehearsal’s the only reason I had to come back early, and the only other thing I have to do is finish cleaning up my room — but I got two weeks to do that ‘til Buttons shows up anyway, so of course I’m not gonna do that now-”

And after a minute or two of rambling, he catches himself mid-sentence. “... sorry, I should stop. How’re things goin’ with you?” He barely catches the tinny-sounding sigh through the phone speaker.

“They’re okay. I mean, same as usual, mostly. Still workin’.” Specs pauses, and after a moment finally admits, “... kinda quiet, without you around. It’s...kinda weird.”

“Yeah? It’s quiet here, too. Since nobody’s back yet. But… hey, guess what?”

“What?”

His smile softens, and his chest twinges again, wishing he could be at home with his boyfriend instead of being back at college so soon. “Two weeks. That’s all ya gotta wait ‘til you get back.”

Specs sighs again, the frown giving way to a small smile that Romeo could juuuuuust barely see, if the screen was lit just right. “I know...” Romeo watches as he glances down to the table before his face comes up again. “Is it bad to say I kinda miss you already?”

“Aww, you miss me?” Specs just rolls his eyes at the teasing, prompting a grin out of Romeo. “Turnin’ into a softie, Specs. Wasn’t expecting that outta you-“

“Fine, just forget I said anything.”

“No, no!” Romeo huffs, shaking his head in mock scandal. “You said it, you can’t take it back!” Sitting back, he grins at the screen, letting the moment die down before adding, “... I miss you too. Like I said, it’s quiet without you guys around.”

“Well...has Race gone back yet?”

“Race? Nah.” Romeo shakes his head. “He and Spot are comin’ up next weekend, I think. I dunno, he woulda told me if he was back at his place.”

“Right,” Specs sighs. “Well, you should go see him when he comes back. So you’re not just sitting in your dorm all alone for so long.”

“What’re you, my mom?”

Through the mediocre sound quality, he thinks he hears Specs snort. “No, but I think I’m allowed to be worried about you. Ya know, as your boyfriend and all.”

“Ohh, that’s right. As my handsome, charming, dashing-“

“Ro.”

“-caring, extremely talented, gorgeous-“

“Romeo.”

“-kind and thoughtful boyfriend-“

Specs’ face drops into his hands as he groans. “Stop.” Which was cute, really. Romeo loved doing this, flattering his boyfriend to no end. In fact, he just laughs as Specs talks again. “You’re awful.”

“But I’m just bein’ honest,” he answers innocently. There’s the sound of a huff, and Specs comes out of hiding enough to glare at his phone. Romeo just smiles.

“That’s what you always say.”

“Well. Guess it must be true then, huh?” He winks, laughing at the rolling eyes he gets in response.

“Right, yeah. Anyway, if you’re done flirting with me...I know you’re busy and all, but..you mind if I bother you for a little while longer?”

Well, it didn’t take long to figure that one out. “I could think of nothing better.”

[blizzardfluffykpop]

Parties

Summary: Maybe we should decorate for Christmas earlier, especially since we have guest coming over on the 25th.

One-shot

Chan X Female! Reader

This was requested by @leeknowfeels btw

Prompt: 22. “Two years ago today I met the (girl/guy) of my dreams and I was wondering if it could stop being a dream, and we could be a reality… Will you be mine? Forever?”

Winter the most wonderful time of the year, is not an opinion for me at least. I meet Chan, on December 25th, one of my favorite days of the year since. It’s not as good as January 27th though; that day Chan would ask me to be his lover. The way he asked was, “(Y/n) I’ve known you for less than two months, but I don’t need a long time, to know I want to be with you. Would you want to be mine?” We were just sitting at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to take us to the university. I said, “Did you even have to ask? You already had me.” After that you wouldn’t catch us without at least being arm in arm.

That was two years ago, and it’s winter again. Thankfully, I can’t stand the scintillating sun raining down on me with its rays of light; when I already had Chan. He can make a winter night, feel as hot as a summer with just a smile. He’s the light of my life, he knows that already, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t tell him. Or how I’m proud of him, for how far he has come, or that his voice is music to my ears whether it is singing or rapping, or just talking to me. That his dancing is god send, he’d mid as well tell me he was Apollo, I’d believe that, full-heartedly.

He inspires me to write endless poetry, I’ve been a poet and finished up school the summer before we met. I’ve written a few poem books, nothing has sold like Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur but Chan always tells me, that if not today someone notices my writing, then tomorrow. He gives me great hopes and he’ll sometimes come in when I’m in my mode, and grabs one I just finished. No matter how much I beg him not to read it, he does. He calls me cheesy as sin, for some reason he likes to read in a Shakespearean voice, which makes me crack up, no matter how many times he tells me I’m a sap.

Whenever inspiration strikes me anymore, it’s usually while I’m sitting and looking at a picture of us. Like the one where we were sitting in sunflowers and pointing at different clouds, and Jeongin, the little rat found out and took three pictures of us before he was chased off. I’d say it’s my favorite poem,

“Sunflowers,

Though it was hours,

Nothing seems long when I’m with you,

Laying there looking at the blue,

White and sometimes gray clouds,

Never cease to shroud,

Not in mystery,

Nor in blistery,

But us from the world,

Until we are furled,

In each other's arms,

Until someone finds us,

Leaving us absolutely superfluous,

In sunflowers,

Summertime lasted no more than hours,

But yet for years,

As I look back on it in happy tears”   

Yes, he makes me an absolute sap, but only for him. But he can’t say much either as he sings me to sleep with love songs, coming out of his mouth one after another. I don’t know how I ended up with such a soft, sweet, caring human being. “All I think of is you” I say when I open the door and he’s sitting there putting garland on the mantle, “Huh?” He questions me, “I literally walked passed a groot stuffed animal and heard you in my head go, ‘I am GROOT’ maybe that should be your next album” He laughs at me, “Maybe~” We stick up the tree together, decorating and throwing garland at each other to get it to the other side, whining about how much dust there is on the garlands, is a yearly ordeal.

Once we’re almost done with the tree and only a topper being our only problem. “I think we may have to call Jeongin for this one” I say scratching the back of my head as I realize we underestimated the size, and how tall we are. He hands me the topper, “I’m shorter than you sweetie, and I’m not scaling that thing either-” When all of a sudden I feel arms wrap around my waist, “Here we go!” I squeal as he says it, and I realize he is lifting me up to put the topper up. He gets me to the top, and I place the snowflake on the very top branch. “You got it?” He asks, “Yeah” I feel him stumble and I know immediately what was coming, I just had to place that emptied box directly in front of the tree…

The next thing I know is we are on the ground more or less, him in the box and me directly on top of him. He groans, and I laugh, “Oops” He shakes his head as he pushes me off of him and gets out of the box, I’m stuck in the box when I get a silly idea and before he can offer me a hand, I flip over and make sure it is over my legs, “Babe look! I’m a snail-” “We been knew” I glare up at him, “You know I may be slow but you can at least laugh at my jokes! These are the jokes kid!” “You’re really going to quote Monsters Inc. In this house?” I nod, and he rolls his eyes, “You’re cute, baby girl,... I love you and your jokes.” “Well, that makes two of us, I love you too-” “What about my jokes?!” “Whatever makes you sleep at night~” He rolls his eyes at me, “I love them, sweetie” I throw the box off of me, getting up.

I see some mistletoe on the ground, and I snatch it up, I raise my hand over our heads, “Hey look up~” He does, and he grins at me, pulling me into his arms and kissing me softly, I kiss back, when we, finally, let go I grin at him, “I love you~” “I love you more” “Nu-uh” “Ya-huh” We go back and forth until we, finally, finish cleaning up the boxes and collapsing on the couch, “Let’s agree to disagree” He asks, “I can go for that,... You know we should probably decorate December 1st not December 23rd…” I say as we lay on top of each other, “We’ll do it on time next year, baby” I shake my head, “Fine, sunflower”

We watch The Grinch until we fall asleep, waking up uncomfortable, and complaining. “4 more days til Christmas” I mutter to him, “Yeah, I can’t believe it” I look at the clock, “You’re gonna be late!! Go shoo shoo, get dressed!!” I say flinging myself off of him, and pushing him into the bedroom. He gets dressed in record time, and I wait for him by the door, “I love you” “Don’t you ever get tired of saying that?” “No, how could I ever tire telling the truth? Are you tired of saying it” I pout, “No, never, I love you, I love you, I loVE YOU!!” He screeches at the end, “I’m glad, I’ll see you later babe!” I peck his lips, and he races out the door.

I clean up and go out seeing the time, I still work at a bistro since my poet gig, although it may be my dream it hasn’t made it big yet. I’ll have to wait, no matter how many times Chan tells me I don’t have to work, that my poet’s income and his artist income is enough. But the job gives me something to do. And with the holidays coming up it gives me freedom of buying gifts and him not knowing how much they we’re. He hates me spending money on him, although I can’t say I’m much better at that. I hate it as well, we are much more for family and friends over for the holidays and love, not gifts. But doesn’t mean we don’t go over the top for each other.

Speaking of which our little apartment is going to be full, the rest of SKZ is coming over, thank god we aren’t having any family over or there would be a horrible line, to the restroom, worse than it would be just with the ten of us. I’m so excited for that day, which is why I ended up just spilling coffee, good thing it was iced coffee,... all over my hand. I clean it up and quickly make a new iced coffee for the customer patiently waiting for me to come over. Why people order coffee this late, or coffee at all is beyond me.

After all my shift is at 12, they order a salad, what an odd combo as well, I bring their coffee over. Shortly their salad comes out, for a Saturday we sure are slow, then again everyone is at work today. So that leaves me with only three tables to serve, which means the day isn’t as hectic but doesn’t mean it goes fast either.

When the day, finally, ends I just drag myself up to our bedroom and go to sleep, it must be 10 O'clock at night before I feel something snuggle into me, “You’re home early” I say looking over at him, “And you’re already in bed” “Says you” he laughs, and we just cuddle exchanging small talk falling asleep.

Today's’ the 25th, the bistro is closed, and I wake up to Chan’s sleeping figure. I brush the green hair out of his eyes and place a soft kiss on forehead. I put my phone on record and start speaking my thoughts, so I can write down the poem later.

“Waking up is different when it's next to you,

Christmas is no longer blue,

You haven’t gotten a clue,

How much I love you,

I’m a sap but you are too-”

Before I can add another line, “I love you more~” I laugh, “You wake up so weird” He chuckles, “Least I don’t snore-” “Chan, I love you, but sweetie… YOU SNORE LOUD! I’m surprised the neighbors don’t come over and complain…” I trail off, “You’re so mean” He pouts, my eyes roll to the back of my head, “Whatever major loser-” “Remember your dating this loser-” “Right my MAJOR loser” He shakes his head, “I’m going to date Woojin, he won’t call me a major loser-” “You used me for land development?!?” I laugh he shakes his head at me, “Come on we have to get ready, and I don’t mean get out of our pajamas, I mean make the boys hot cocoa!” And with that he is up in an instance, “Sometimes I feel like you care more for them, than me” I mutter, “I wonder why” I shake my head at him, throwing my pillow at him, and it hits the door before it hits him.

I turn off my recorder, and follow him downstairs and start making hot cocoa, just as we finish the ten cups, marshmallows all over them, filled over the brim. A rampage of knocks come, and Chan lets in the eight trouble makers. “(Y/n)!!! We haven’t seen you in forever” A screech called Jisung and then 8 people wrapped around me hugging, “I missed you guess too!” Chan scoffs, “It’s only been four days” “Ooh~ Someone’s jealous~” Changbin let’s out, “Am not” Chan pouts, “Come on join the hug, sweetie” I say, Chan grumpily joins, “Someone’s jealous because I get a better welcome~” I say and muss up Chan’s hair, “ANYWAYS WHO WANTS TO WATCH FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!” Chan announces, and they all break free from the hug, grabbing hot cocoa and rushing over with careful steps to the couch.

Chan wraps his arm around me, “We’re stuck on the floor aren’t we-” “Yeah but what you gonna do?” We laugh, grabbing our respective mugs and sit in front of the couch, and we all horribly sing along to the songs.

Three hours later, “You guys wanna open presents now?” Seungmin whines, we agree grabbing our own presents, all of the boys had brought theirs over from the dorm. The boys screeching along with me, as we open our presents. “IT’S JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED” “A CHRISTMAS DELIGHT” Surprisingly, we haven’t had a neighbor come over to ask if we were okay or the police called on us; always a good sign, but I’m not jinxing it, I knock on some wood to make sure of that one.

When Chan, finally, piped up after we all just open presents for I don’t know how long, “I have an important present” We all raise our brows, although I see a few little smirks, I don’t question it as Chan moves from the floor to his knee, the poor lad must be getting up to get it. So I get up ready to help him up, before I can hold out my hand to him, he pulls out a little box… No way… “Two years ago today I met the girl of my dreams and I was wondering if it could stop being a dream, and we could be a reality… Will you be mine? Forever?” My jaw drops, no way,... “Man you beat me to the punch,” I say because that’s the first thing that came to my mind; instead, of ‘I love you’ or ‘Yes’ so I immediately add to my response, “I would love to be yours forever, Chan~” He slips the ring onto my finger and I have to stop me from crying as cheers erupt from the couch. Chan’s’ fingers lock with mine, and I can’t stop looking into his beautiful eyes, “Hey you too look up!” Comes from Hyunjin and we do and it’s Changbin holding mistletoe over us, “Let’s give the people what they want?” Chan says to me giggling, I can’t hold back my little giggles as he kisses me.

[amypound]

Sorry for the long post

As i reflect back on being frickin done with exams and papers for the semester I finally feel ready to look back on the year...

Man I’ve had a hell of a year.

January started off pretty normal with working 40+ hours, school, life insanity until I had a cancer scare and the anniversary of my divorce. Yeah if you didn’t know til now about either of those it’s because I didn’t want to make a big deal about it. The cancer screening process kept me in a state of emotional death spiral until after i had surgery to remove the scary bit. I was not comfortably numb, I barely existed but pretended like everything was ok. In this I still went to work and school and with the exception of asking for an extension on a paper which was due a mere few days after my surgery, I tried to keep on keeping on.

Once getting the all clear, no cancer talk from my team of doctors i tried desperately to pull out of my spiral. However, work was over worked and understaffed and so i had a lot of responsibility thrown at me in a very short amount of time. In addition finishing up the second half of my first year of law school was not turning out to be a cakewalk like previous attempts at school had been. My spring break i went crazy socializing as much as possible and pulling extra hours at work. I got into makeup and fashion and whatever i could to fake it til I actually was together.

But by the end of March, beginning of April my life was out of my control, I was a wreck, taking my prescription xanax like candy to keep my heart from exploding out of my chest like a bat out of hell. I’d start a bottle of wine only to find I’d finish it as well because hey why not. I was working all the time but paralyzed by how much work i had to do. My school work suffered due to the same depression anxiety spiral and my home life largely consisted of Netflix binges of Disney movies in an attempt to feel.

I finally had a big break down one day at work and it was the worst. I got myself together enough to finish work that day and get to school, but took a much needed mental health day the next day. I called a therapist and made an appointment and started to get my life in order. I also had started applying for new jobs. I even started having serious discussions about moving back home with my parents. Something had to give.

Luckily, i really clicked with the therapist i had been recommended right from the get go and so I was really able to dive right into making real change in my life and getting to the roots of my issues. Also in April I got some great news, I got a promotion and transfer to a new job in the courthouse, which was just what I needed.

I finished out the year with decent enough grades and high hopes for my future at work I continued down my path. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though. May gave rise to more romantic troubles and believing who people are when they show their true colors.

June into early july was largely uneventful, merely taking summer classes 4 nights a week and trying to person when not doing the school, work cycle. I was tired, but i could tell things were better. Not what I’d call great, but marked improvement from crying myself to sleep. By mid July though, my therapist thought I needed additional help with my mental health struggles and suggested that I find a psychiatrist to get a leg up on my problems.

Finding a psychiatrist was not easy though as my insurance company’s website couldn’t be more unhelpful even if it tried. Finally got a referral from a referral and found a doctor that seemed like it may work and set an appointment for late July.

However before that could happen i was rear ended coming home from a long day at work, we had gone late on our criminal docket. The accident itself wasn’t life threatening but i was certainly sore and tired for the next several weeks. I had started physical therapy as well as my normal therapy and then of course in the middle of this was my first appointment with the psychiatrist who started me on the first antidepressant i had been on in years, after having bad luck with one back in the day, and swearing off of them. I was nervous to say the least.

However, the anti depressant was actually doing its job. I felt better. I had energy. I could focus on my work. I even managed a small vacation in mid August and lots of other fun things since then. When school started I could manage my school load despite taking 11 hours (the part time evening max). Things have been looking up.

I won’t say things are perfect now, but instead of wallowing, I make positive change. I’m on 75mg of Zoloft and might end up on 100 or more at some point. And that’s ok with me. I’m doing better, not perfect but it’s much better than it used to be. I organized my office and bought a happy light which also seems to help me with energy in the morning.

I don’t claim things are perfect. I don’t claim there aren’t things I shouldn’t still be working to improve about myself. I should make fewer impulse buys, and play fewer games on my phone.

But I’ve had one hell of a 2018.

And I look forward to 2019.