#and I’m fighting for my life to focus and motivate myself

[cxrrodedcoffin]

Nightvisions - Spencer Reid

Likes are always appreciated but reblogs and feedback keep artists going!

Summary: This is part 2 to Dead of Night, Reader and Spencer face the fallout of an intense first sexual encounter, which leads to a second one.

Word Count: 2.5k

A/N: i’m overjoyed by the positive response to ‘dead of night’ and i’m a woman of the people so despite my lack of plan to do a part 2, i wrote one anyway, and this is it! tbh i’m not too sure how i feel about this but i had fun writing it anyway ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

TW: pervert!spencer, dom!spencer, angst, established relationships, confession of feelings, semi-public sex, noise control, hair pulling, spit, oral sex (reader receiving), unprotected sex (wrap it b4 you tap it), penetration, creampie, panty stealing, references to knifeplay, slight biting, hickey (kinda?) pet names (angel), fem + afab reader, happy ending

Rating: R, 18+

——

As the work day dragged on you could feel your initial shock and intrigue twist into an anger that burned in the pit of your stomach. Every glance Spencer took at you from his desk across the bullpen made your blood pressure spike, unable to properly focus on the paperwork you had been working through for the better half of the day. Your mind kept drifting, trying to rationalize his potential motives, but the more the thought stirred in your mind the less you could justify it to yourself. You had to hear it directly from him, as soon as possible.

“Spencer, can I get your input on something?” You called him over to your desk, masking the frustration in your voice. He scrambled to his feet, eager to be close to you again for the first time since this morning. He leaned over your desk, glancing at the paperwork in front of you.

“How can I help?”

You pointed to an insignificant line of text as you leaned forward, bringing your mouth inches from his ear.

“Meet me in the conference room in 5 minutes.” You whispered, watching as he gulped and nodded.

“That should be good.” He said as a cover, hoping not to draw suspicion to the two of you before returning to his desk.

You grabbed a file for show and walked to the conference room, checking that the blinds were pulled down over the windows overlooking the bullpen. The minutes ticked by agonizingly slow, starting to pace to keep yourself occupied as you waited for him.

Moments later there came a gentle knock at the door before Spencer slowly opened it, dipping quickly in and locking the door behind him. A short silence hung in the air until your emotions got the better of you, his soft expression causing tears to well up in your eyes.

“How? Why?” You blurted out, a mix of confusion, exhaustion, and desperation playing out in your features. He took a step toward you and you took a step back, keeping distance between you. If he touched you, you might break, shatter into a million pieces and never be put back together.

“Please just let me explain.” His tone held such strong desperation that you almost forgot how betrayed you felt. You wiped a tear from your cheek, crossing your arms over your chest as you leaned against the wall, waiting.

“You left your profile up on your computer one night and I couldn’t help myself, I wanted to give you everything you’ve ever wanted, I always have.” He took a deep breath, for once careful to articulate his words as he watched your expression carefully, searching for any sign of forgiveness.

“I know it was wrong, but I never thought I’d stand a chance with a woman like you if I went about it the traditional way. I never intended on hurting you, but I clearly have, and doing so is the biggest regret of my life.” You wanted to believe him, he seemed so earnest, but the doubt was eating you alive by the second. What if it was all an act? Was the connection you felt that night built on lies?

“Was everything you said in our chats a lie just to sleep with me?” You kept a straight face, fighting back more tears to keep your composure. You couldn’t let him know how badly you were hurt, not if he didn’t mean it.

“Oh god no, angel, everything I said was the truth.” He grew more frantic, nervously stretching his fingers as he fought the urge to step toward you again. He just wanted to hold you, to comfort you in the simplest way he knew how, but he couldn’t do anything that might make you more uncomfortable.

“Don’t call me that.” You snapped, still too frustrated with him at the moment to deal with your feelings for him. He nodded, keeping his mouth shut to resist the urge to ramble on and on about what he felt for you.

“I’m not sure I believe you Spencer, I just don’t know if I can trust you anymore.” Your voice cracked, biting the inside of your lip as you watched his face drop.

“You can.” He weighed the risk and took a step closer to you again, and you didn’t move away from him this time.

“How do I know that?”

“I’m in love with you.”

It was the most confident he’d been all day, his voice unwavering with every word.

“Don’t say that if you don’t mean it.” Tears threatened your waterline once more, hanging on his every movement as you tried to read him.

“I do mean it, I’ve known from the first time we spent 2 hours talking nonstop on the jet. No one has ever seen me the way that you do.” His eyes were glassy with tears and your heart began to melt, dropping your arms to your sides and finally closing the gap between you.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” You took his hand in yours, your thumb swiping over the veins on the back of his hand.

“I didn’t know if you felt the same.” He sighed, averting his gaze from yours.

“I do.” You confirmed, squeezing his hand. He looked at you once more, the tension between you practically suffocating.

He leaned into you, his face dangerously close to yours as he searched your eyes for any lingering apprehension, but there was none to be found. He took a leap of faith, hoping he was reading you right as his lips met yours, his hand cupping the side of your face. You melted into the kiss, allowing him to guide your mouth against his. Your skin grew hot, your hands gripping the front of his shirt as his actions grew more intense, his lips pushing almost bruisingly hard against yours.

His hands moved lower, ghosting down your sides, the slight pressure against your healing cuts from the night before making you shiver. He finally reached the hem of your skirt, slowly hiking the fabric up your thighs. You pulled your mouth away from his, panting for a moment in hopes of catching your breath once more.

“Spencer, we can’t.” You sighed, meeting his hungry gaze.

“We can if we’re careful.” He countered, pushing you gently back until your hips bumped against the large circular table in the center of the room.

“What if someone hears? If we get caught we could lose our jobs.” The rational part of your brain seemed to be dueling with your primal urges, your body betraying your mind as the thought of getting caught only made the wetness between your thighs grow more intense.

“Then you better be quiet.” He whispered, his large hands gripping your hips as he spun you around, bending you over the edge of the conference table. He dropped to his knees, pushing your skirt up the rest of the way to bunch around your hips, humming to himself as he admired your perfect ass. He hooked his fingers into the waistband of your panties, slowly sliding them over the curve of your hips and down your legs before pocketing the lacy fabric.

You whined, wiggling your hips back to urge him on.

“Be patient.” He laughed, his voice low. You didn’t have to wait long, his head dipping between your thighs to find your waiting pussy. His strong grip kept your thighs spread as his tongue delved between your folds, quickly giving ample attention to your swollen clit. He was hungry, plush lips drinking in your arousal with every extended lap of his tongue, practically suffocating himself as his nose brushed against your weeping entrance.

You brought your hand to your mouth, biting your wrist to stifle your whimpers as you rocked back against him, indulging in the way he devoured you. He moaned against you, muffled vibrations sending shockwaves through your body, your clit growing more and more sensitive by the second. You were starting to get desperate, riding his face until the table underneath you began to squeak with every rock of your hips. Spencer suddenly pulled away, sitting back on his calves.

“Your desperation is going to get us caught.” He brought his hand between your legs, fingers massaging your clit for a split second before rearing back and slapping against it, causing you to jolt forward. You yelped, a bit louder than you intended from the shock of it, and you swallowed nervously, anticipating his next move.

He rose to his feet, his clothed hips pushing against your bare ass as he gripped your hair in his fist, firmly pulling you upright. You bit your lip to hide your moan, letting him guide your every step as he pulled you across the room, finally pressing your back against the wall.

“Spencer, please.” You sounded more pathetic than you intended but the way his mouth felt on you got you beyond worked up, and in that moment you felt like you needed him inside you more than you needed air.

“Are you going to be quiet?” He questioned, his hand resting on his belt buckle as he waited for an answer.

“Yes, I’ll be good, I promise.” You looked up at him, giving your best doe-eyed look as you began unbuttoning your blouse. He began to undo his belt, letting his pants and briefs fall to his ankles as he held out his hand in front of you.

“Spit.” He commanded, the dominant side of him coming out more with every sweet sound that left your lips. You did as you were told, spitting in his hand to provide a bit of lubricant for him to stroke his cock, fully preparing himself to enter you.

You were mesmerized, unable to look away from the way his shirt rode up his torso, toned but slender stomach flexing with each movement of his hand, his hair falling messily in his flushed face, a thin layer of sweat forming on his skin. You pulled the cups of your bra down, toying with your nipples as you enjoyed the show, feeling like you were watching the most intimate sex tape you’d ever seen.

“Are you ready?” His voice snapped you out of your trance, blood rushing to your cheeks in embarrassment over how desperate you were for him. You nodded frantically, draping your arms behind his neck, pulling him to you. You raised your leg, wrapping it around his waist, looking down between your chests to watch him lineup his cock with your cunt. He pushed the head in, cutting off the gasp that threatened to rip from your throat as he pulled you into another intense kiss.

He sank fully into your tight walls, the soreness you felt from the night before melting away with every stroke he laid into you. You moaned into his mouth, eyes fluttering shut as you allowed him to take the reins, his controlling grip digging soft bruises into the flesh of your breasts, then your hip, electricity flowing between the two of you. You pulled away from the kiss, coming up for air, so lost in the feeling that you couldn’t make out any coherent sounds, only gentle whimpers and whines.

“You feel so good.” He moaned quietly, quickening his pace, his hand sliding between your bodies to find your clit, the rough pad of his thumb pressing firm swipes up and down over the swollen bundle of nerves. Your whimpers grew louder, and despite your hazy state, you knew you had to quiet yourself quickly. You pulled him closer, burying your face in the side of his neck, your lips latching onto the soft skin behind his ear.

A groan rose from the back of his throat, your mouth sucking against his pressure point pulling him dangerously close to his release. You swore you were seeing stars, supernovas erupting between your thighs as you started to contract around him, your senses overwhelmed with his touch, crying out against his neck. Your knee began to buckle, your leg almost giving out if it wasn’t for his firm hold on your hip. He continued to pump in and out, helping you ride out your orgasm until you had gained a bit more of your composure, able to support yourself again despite how fucked out you felt.

Spencer felt himself falter and anchored his hips against yours, keeping himself seated within your warm walls as they coaxed him to completion. He quietly moaned your name, his head hung to observe the view of himself pulling out of you. You dropped your leg, still in a daze as you began righting your clothing. After you redid the last button of your top and yanked your skirt back down over your ass, you realized you couldn’t find your underwear.

“Looking for something?” He questioned, that familiar dorky smile plastered across his face. You turned to face him, seeing the lace dangling from his fingertip, but as you grabbed for it he pulled it out of reach.

“These are mine now.” He shoved the fabric back in his back pocket before you could attempt to steal them back again.

“Spencer, your cum is dripping down my leg, I kind of need those.” You took a stride toward him to close the gap between you, hoping to wrap your arm around his waist and take them out of his pocket. Your plan was quickly foiled as he grabbed your wrist, pinning it behind your back.

“You better keep your legs closed then, I’m not giving them back.” He whispered in your ear, his tone low but hinted with mischief.

“Whatever, pervert.” You pulled out of his grip, starting to walk toward the door. Your slight annoyance with his teasing quickly faded, unable to deny that walking back out into the bullpen full of Spencer’s cum was an incredibly hot concept.

“What does that make you, then?” He laughed, running his hand through his hair to make it somewhat presentable.

“An angel, according to you.” You turned back to him momentarily to wink in his direction, giving him a comfortable resolution to your slight outburst earlier.

“Can I see you again? Outside of work, I-I mean.” He slightly stumbled over his words, his dominant demeanor fading back into his signature awkward cadence, clearly a bit flustered by your tongue-in-cheek show of affection. You almost laughed, the question feeling a bit absurd given that you’d both just confessed your feelings for one another in more ways than one.

“Take me out to dinner tonight, I’ll be ready by 6. You have my address.” You smiled, watching a blush rise over his cheeks in response to your callback before unlocking the conference room door and returning to your desk to finish out the workday, eagerly awaiting your first real date with Spencer.

——

tag list: @pleasantwitchgarden @lover-of-books-and-tea @theoraekenslover @placidus

DM me or send me an ask if you’d like to be added to my spencer reid taglist :)

also tagging those who requested a part 2, thank you for the inspo!: @silver138 @espressoparis @futuremrsreid @charmedkim @lilcuutiee @cryxbabyxxx @c1rcus-baby

[storycraftcafe]

Hello there!

Do you have any neurospicy friendly tips for staying motivated? I'd love to write more, especially long-form, multi-chapter works but after a chapter or two I either get bitten by other plot bunnies or real life eats me whole.

Thanks!

Hello friend!

Oh this is right up my alley, grab a cuppa, I get wordy.

As a chronic “too many ideas, too little dopamine” ADHD brain that’s always seeking that lil extra dopamine, I suffer from the exact same problem. My motivation is a fickle thing, as is my ability to focus and my goblin brain is always after the new shiny idea.

But, I’m also at the end of drafting the biggest project I’ve ever completed(it's over 100k words right now), while also planning a novel, developing a few more ideas and writing short stories and doing this blog (intermittently at least for now).

How the hell did I manage that?

I learned to work with my brain, lean into novelty, made things really easy for myself and when needed, got some help and made things fun. 

The truth is, motivation comes and goes, as does inspiration. So we have to figure out how to keep writing without it, and how to wrangle those plot bunnies. That’s the work we do. 

My short answer is this: The solution to focusing on a big project is to make working on this project easier than working on anything else, make it the most enjoyable, and make it the most rewarding.

Here’s some advice on how:

Advice Tidbit the First: Work with your brain

Since us neurospicy types come in so many flavours, it’s impossible to give advice that works for everyone. So find what works for you. You know what helps you focus, you know what your weaknesses are and you know how your brain works. If you don’t, now is the time to find out how to work with your brain chemistry rather than against it. 

If this means having music, using a pomodoro timer, something like a special focus based word processor or a notebook, use it. If this means working with a trusted friend, a community, or alone, do that. 

For me it really means that the big project is always front and centre. It is always open, it is always flagged in my notebook, it is always present and easy to come back to and I always know where I’m going with it.

I’m gonna share some things that work for me and I encourage you to try them, keep what works, and cast off the rest.

Advice Tidbit the Second: Lean into Novelty

My brain relishes novelty, and will happily chase a new idea down a rabbit hole like a Jack Russell on speed and after years of fighting it, I’ve learned sometimes, it’s best to chase the white rabbit and see where it ends up. Just make sure you have a way of putting that idea on a back burner and coming home to the project you want to focus on.

And I do this through a few different means. 

First I write that new idea down, which in turn helps me get it out of my head instead of it repeating ad nauseum like the chewiest earworm. The brain repeats things to remember them, but if you write it down, and then immediately get what you wanna focus on in front of your eyeballs, you might be able to switch gears and get back on track.

Second, I create my own novelty by balancing a few projects at once, that are all at different stages of development, and focus on different ideas. I have the big one that's almost done, I have a novel that’s in planning, a few short story ideas that’s percolating  and this blog which is focused less on creation and more explaining things I’ve learned. And I bounce from these, as needed, to keep things fresh. 

Third, if all else fails, I stop fighting and go wild. I’ve stumbled onto some amazing gems of projects by embracing the mad rush of inspiration until I hit a wall. And the trick for me is, once I hit that wall, I go back to my big project and it always feels a little fresher after that time away.

Writers are creative creatures, and inspiration is a wonderful, amazing, maddening thing that we cannot rely on, but shouldn’t ignore when it strikes. 

Advice Tidbit the Third: Make that shit easy.

A fun, and by fun I mean hellish aspect of my brain chemistry is that the more barriers between me and doing a thing there are, the less likely I am to do the thing. Executive dysfunction is an asshole and should pay but until I can figure out a way to do that, I instead focus on making this as easy for me as possible. 

When it comes to focusing on a specific project, I make sure I have it ready to go when I wanna work on it. I open up the word doc before I go to bed, I leave some notes for myself before leaving it, I never close it unless I absolutely have to, and I always, always have a notebook or my phone on hand to write with, and I have a playlist on hand to get me in the mindset while writing or walking, or working out.

Now if you’re looking at that and going “But Cas, that’s a lot of prep-work”, yeah, it is, and that’s what I do to make things easier to start and stay focused with. Call it the neurospicy-tax. Sometimes shit comes with extra prepwork, but it will help you in the long run.

Thankfully the execution is less painful than it sounds. I just don’t close the word doc for my main project unless I absolutely have to. Opening it first thing is a habit I’ve developed over time as is carrying my notebook around everywhere. Right now I’m trying to build the habit of writing first thing in the morning after breakfast, which means I have the project, or project notes up to read while I eat.

The less I have to think about it, the less steps it takes to start, the easier it is to just do. And do it enough, consistently enough, it becomes habitual. Ish.

Advice Tidbit the Fourth and Most Important: Make the writing easier too.

Yeap. I’m gonna say it. Learn to plan in a way that works for you.

It is so much easier to write freely, consistently and confidently when I have a damn good idea of where I’m going and what targets I’m trying to hit. If you’ve read my waffling about approaching chapters, I go on at length about how that pre-planning makes the work easier. This doesn’t mean you need to have the whole thing planned down to the finest detail, you don’t need every chapter and scene on cards ready to go, unless that’s what works best for you.

However, I have found that I can stick with big projects the best if I have a rough plan consisting of story beats, knowing my character arcs, and solid idea of the ending. With that roadmap, it doesn't matter how lost or distracted I get or how long I spend in the warren of Ploticus Bunnicus, because I have that guide at hand to bring me back to my story. But when I don’t have it… I get lost. And I stay lost. I lose motivation, it’s harder to pick it up again, I lose hope and I abandon that story and feel awful about it.

So if there’s any advice I want you to try it’s this: Figure out where your story is going, where you want it to end up, a few ideas on how you’ll get there, and make a map to keep you heading in the right direction.

It can be as easy as dot points giving you a few ideas about what’s ahead, a few notes from the last writing session to remind you of where you were going, or a paragraph blocking out events in a really condensed summary. Whatever works for you, but have a plan for where you’re going for those moments when something shiny crosses your path. Make working on this main project easier than working on anything else, make it the most enjoyable, make it the most rewarding. Let me know if you want me to talk about my roadmapping/planning process.

Advice Tidbit the Fifth: Get some help.

I would not be as far along in my big project as I am if I didn’t have two really amazing people that helped me along my way as alpha readers. Ie: the two people who got frantic messages at 3am asking if they could look at the raw draft I had just churned out to see if it was okay, and who also, graciously, acted as rubber duckies and brainstorming partners and problem solvers as I figured my own process out.

I owe these two so much.

Writing can be a terribly solitary craft but it doesn’t have to be. So get a buddy, someone that can hold you to task, who can give their opinion, act as a sounding board, who is as excited about the project as you are. I am so glad to be that person for my bestest buddies and they are that person for me.

So find that person, someone you can trust, a friend, another writer, or just someone that has your back. And if you don’t have that person, there are communities aplenty floating around. And I am always, always, ready to cheerlead a fellow writer. Hell, I created a whole damn server just to help other writers that I haven’t been brave enough to advertise yet.  You can find it here. [If the link isn't active, feel free to ask me for one!]

Advice Tidbit the Sixth: Make that shit fun.

Writing is work, there’s no way to get around that and writing a big multi-chapter project is a LOT of work even if you don’t plan, edit, revise, or rewrite (though you should). All my advice so far has been focused on making that work easier, on working with your brain, embracing novelty for your own ends, making the work easier, and working with a friend.

Now we get to have fun.

What makes writing enjoyable for you? Is it having a tasty treat while working or after as a reward? Is it good music? An excuse to go to a cafe? To use a pretty pen? Whatever it is, DO IT. 

I like to have a nice cup of tea in a nice mug while I write. I always have music or something ignorable for background noise on the tv. And I use my very pretty pens in my very nice notebooks.

If you’re anything like me, you possess strong opinions regarding notebooks and pens, and likely have a neglected collection of some pretty stuff. So I’m gonna say something shocking: You should use those nice pens and notebooks.

 No seriously. 

Use them. Use the pretty inks and lovely pens and use them to make writing fun. Switch colours at the drop of a hat or to show scene and pov transitions, practise your handwriting. Use different notebooks for different projects or one big bullet journal style thing for all your writing. 

Create yourself an everyday writers kit and take it everywhere with you. Use it. If you’re doom scrolling, switch your phone for your writing kit and start jotting down some ideas or write a single sentence for your story. Use these pretty shiny things. I dare you.

Keep in mind, you DO NOT need expensive pens or papers ever at all. You can do this with a cheap notebook and a ballpoint. I’m just a stationery nerd and I like using the nice things I’ve bought instead of them sitting there doing nothing.

Here’s my kit, a black traveller’s notebook with three inserts and a kraft folder, two pen loops stuck onto the folder and two TWSBI eco fountain pens. Each insert is for a different kind of project (drafting the long project, brainstorming and planning or short stories, and planning and drafting articles for this blog.) and I have sticky tabs in the folder to make pages and specific projects. Sometimes I add a pouch of yet more fountain pens because I don’t have a problem, I have a collection.

Flex aside, my point is use tools that you enjoy using. If that means a nice clacky keyboard, use it, if that means fancy ass pens, use them, if that means something you’re not scared of breaking, use it. 

Now for gamification: A common bit of advice I hear for ADHD brains specifically is to gamify the tricky things and thank the gods, there’s a bunch of people who have figured out ways to do this.

For writers specifically we have a few tasty choices.

A quick search for ‘gamifying writing’ will turn up a bunch of results but here’s a few favourites of mine.

4thewords is web browser based RPG game where you write to battle monsters and make your way through the story. It is a subscription however but it’s fairly affordable ($4 USD a month) if you end up using it everyday. It comes with progress trackers, avatars you can get cool things for, a big community and it has a 15 day trial that does not need a credit card for. Wahoo. I’ve used it, it's a lot of  fun, but it doesn’t gel with my other needs quite as well but I do turn to it none and then when I really wanna buckle down and focus. Give it a go~

Write Or Die is a classic sprint writing tool that I’ve been a fan of for years. Basically you write or you are ‘punished’ via flashing screen, loud noises or if you’re brave, there’s the mode that eats your words if you stop typing for too long. It is a one man developer that said and a bit old and neglected but Write or Die 2 is worth it if this helps you stay focused.

Too high stress? Think about trying…

Written Kitten is a web browser based writing motivator that gives you a cute kitten picture every time you write a certain number of words. It’s adorable.

Or you can grab that writing buddy of yours, or just yourself, a timer and do a writing sprint. Pick a number of words, set your timer and write until the timer goes off. See how well you did, see how any words you can get and how far above the set number you can go.

In the end all this leads to the same key point, which is to make working on your long multi-chaptered project as easy, fun and rewarding as you possibly can. If you have a mind that chases fun, make the work fun, if it chases novelty, make the work novel, if it lacks focus, figure out how it likes to focus and apply that to your project. 

You can wrangle your brain, but you have to work to its strengths. But before I wrap this up

Advice Tidbit the Seventh: Go easy on yourself.

Neurospicy brains are particular and challenging and common advice doesn’t always work for us and that’s okay. It can be tricky figuring out what works and what doesn’t, and spoons aren’t always plentiful, our moods aren’t always cooperative and sometimes the work really is hard no matter what we do. And that’s okay. What matters, I think, is that we keep trying. A few words a day are still a few words a day.  It adds up.

You got this and I am always happy to have a chat or listen.

Good writing!

[veerbles]

thoughts about dream thieves (and some predictions!)

After probably almost a decade of thinking to myself, I’m an adult who’d like to read more and also enjoys YA, I should finally pick up TRC, I finally picked up TRC. I finished Raven Boys and immediately started Dream Thieves, so I didn’t pause to gather my thoughts on the first one, but here I am now. Ready to unleash several K’s of words by using my limited information to analyze characters and make some predictions that may or may not come true.

• I really enjoy the whole magical-realism, bordering-on-alternate-dimensions theme, but I’m SO SORRY Cabeswater gives me the creeps. I can read context clues and infer from the fact that Blue and Gansey both love it that it’s not meant to be sinister? Probably? But like, talking forests and time loops and magical possessions have, in the history of literature, revealed ulterior motives. I’m mostly side-eyeing the way Adam’s sacrifice to Cabeswater immediately derailed his life and mental stability. It might just be an Adam thing. It’s probably an Adam thing. But like, if I were these kids I’d be a biiiit more wary of the scary time-defying magical land I stumbled upon.

• The sudden emphasis on how time is circular kind of came out of nowhere. There was definitely a point made in the first book about how time doesn’t flow the same way inside Cabeswater, but mid-second book the nonlinearity of time was suddenly a huge thing and all the Sargent seers made a point of how every prophecy is something that both happened already and hasn’t happened yet. I’m totally down with some time-fuckery, but I would’ve liked some more build-up. Also, is this meant to play into Blue’s prophecy? Adam’s visions? Gansey’s fate? Glendower’s fate?

• I was preparing myself for a long, drawn-out love triangle B-plot, and I’m glad it didn’t happen. I couldn’t tell if I missed some subtext and Blue’s intense attraction to Adam faded before their fight at his room, or if it was a direct result of it, but I like that their thing (he called her his girlfriend and I was kind of like… is she? Who established that?) was short and not too well-developed. I think it mostly served as a lesson that Blue can influence her fate, but she can’t run from it (“Why couldn’t it be Adam?”). 

• Also, I think the marketing of the first book did it a HUGE disservice. I have nothing against romance as a main plot and maybe I would have enjoyed that as well, but adventure and the found family trope have a much stronger pull. Was really glad the romantic relationships aren’t really the main focus (at least yet?).

• On the same note, these books are so far really good with show not tell. The numerous unspoken hints about the Blue/Gansey attraction did such a good job making me root for them. The slow progression from Gansey caring an inordinate amount about how Blue views him, to Blue dedicating large chunks of her time analyzing him and trying to figure out all of his layers, to Gansey definitely growing aware of his feelings but not doing anything explicit because of Adam… The boat scene with Orla was pure comedy, lmao. Tell me you’re 16/17 years old without telling me you’re 16/17 years old.

• The Blue/Adam “break up” scene was so good because it evoked true emotions in me. I think a reasonable percentage of teenage girls were once The One Girl in a group of guys, and Blue’s feelings of being treated differently because she’s a girl really hit right where it hurt. I think Adam’s inability to understand that she wants to be his friend first and a love interest later was so real. I also do think that this scene brought up multiple points and maybe Blue’s character would have benefitted from addressing each of them separately, even just in her own head. She feels left out because she’s a girl, and she feels he only views her as a Girl and not as a friend; she’s wary of his anger issues and feels she doesn’t know him; she has feelings for Gansey; she has an ominous prophecy hanging over her head. Ultimately, her saying he’s not “the one” is what hurt him most, because she hit him directly in the insecurities, but it wasn’t really the most interesting or impactful point. Who is Blue Sargent and what does she really want in a relationship (or in general?)

• I have a hot take, but don’t kill me for this. …Adam gives off real Peter Pettigrew vibes. I’M SO SORRY. I really hope he gets more character development later on, because right now he’s straight on the path to evil villain. Or, okay, maybe he veered off that path after his talk with Persephone and their quest to fix the ley line, but for a minute there I was like… My guy, I get where you’re coming from, but you’re slowly gnawing on the leg that you used to stand on. It’s okay to be mad at the world because you were handed a worse hand of cards, and it’s okay to want to climb your way up to prove your own worth. But a minute ago your whole point was that you HAD worth, and now you’re acting out because you feel worthless? Adam’s getting eaten away by his insecurities and thinking/saying/doing really uncool things to his friends, and it’s just Not It. At this point of time, I personally would not have made him Secret-Keeper of the house I’m hiding in.

• Direct follow up: Honestly? Gansey should punch someone. As a treat. Gansey certainly has flaws, but he’s also certainly the most self-aware of the whole bunch. He is continuously harder on himself than anyone else is hard on him, and trying to make things right, and he’s kind of getting stepped on by his best friends. Adam stole his most prized possession and sneaked away to do exactly what Gansey didn’t want to do on GANSEY’S search quest, and then took the offer of networking but spit it back in Gansey’s face, and admitted he’s going to fight Gansey for Glendower’s favor because he thinks he deserves it more. Ronan ALSO stole his most prized possession after letting Gansey clean up his messes, and didn’t even really apologize? Like, it’s somehow okay because after he stole it he wrecked it and then dreamed it back? Nah dude. It wasn’t okay you took it to begin with! Now, I definitely think it’s not a black-and-white situation; Adam brings up plenty of good points in his arguments, and Ronan, to the best of my recollection, never asked to be cleaned up after. They’re both super traumatized and Gansey chose to stick by their sides through that. But everybody else gets to lash out and make stupid decisions and I, personally, think Richard C. Gansey III should pull a teenage boy move and punch one of his best friends. Which one is up to him. The punch can be metaphorical.

• This book focused mainly on Ronan and Adam’s journeys, and I have to say I loved the night terrors as a symbol of self-loathing. But I remain unsure about Ronan himself. Unlike Adam I don’t think he’s doing villain-y things, but he’s definitely doing very normal teenaged self-destructive things. And that’s fine. It's expected. But it’s also not really productive to self-acceptance? Which he somehow reached at least partially by the end of this book anyway? My point being, Ronan kind of lost it when Gansey was gone and went on a weird dreamer-bender and took all kinds of suspicious drugs and made all kinds of bad decisions, and I expected that to have ramifications. He didn’t really face any of his self-hatred or made efforts to be a better friend. He did kind of face (literally) his grief over his father, which is obviously huge, but I would have liked him to take down some of those walls, be vulnerable, apologize? Face some of his obvious inner homophobia? Anything before that wholesome ending. I guess I just stay hopeful that it’d happen in the next two books.

• On that note, the whole goddamn Lynch family needs therapy. What the fuck. Hated Declan significantly less than the last book, but all three of them should get some professional help for their asses. Their mother is a dream? Ronan’s new friend’s mother is dating his father’s murderer?? Ronan’s dad kicked him out of his home on the heels of his tragic death to teach him some lesson about… dreaming??? So much shit happened in this book. However: loved the idea of Ronan having an actual parent and functioning sibling relationship now. Hopefully, that would do some good for everybody involved.

• Very happy at the subtle queer themes and foreshadowing that led up to Ronan’s very understated sexuality revelation. I could smell it coming from a mile away without it being spelled out for me, which is good: it means it was written into his character really well. I was both thrilled and kind of confused by some of the Adam/Ronan hints in this book, though. Ronan… slept on the floor by Adam’s bed…? ("Surely he would wake up soon and find himself [...] lying on the floor beside Adam’s bed at St. Agnes.") This was literally mentioned in one line and then never again. And he doesn’t spend too much time thinking of Adam, but somehow the epilogue still explicitly states that his secret is Adam and not his sexuality as a whole. I’m rooting for them, but I’ll need more convincing in later books that this apparent crush didn’t spring out of nowhere. 

• On the subject of themes I didn’t see coming, the redemption arc for The Gray Man with the gray morality surprised me. It’s not that I’ve never read or enjoyed books where this subject was explored, I just didn’t expect it to happen in this book series. It seems to me like so far every character we’re supposed to root for is very clearly that, and evil characters give off hints in advance. Gray Man definitely did some dubious things in this book, even if you disregard the killing itself, so I expected his ending to line up with that. I guess it still might? Truthfully I find the subject of responses to trauma and how it affects your moral compass very interesting, and I’m definitely into characters’ redemption arcs, but I just don’t know if romantic entanglement with a known dissociative killer is a smart thing for a mother of a sixteen-year-old. If the Gray Man drove away at the end and started a new, less-violent life, I’d be far less conflicted. But he very clearly stated his attachment to Henrietta, which just… leaves me mostly confused. 

• Speaking of, I love how a major theme of this odd little magical book is how different people handle childhood trauma (Adam, Ronan, Gray Man). No further notes, just love it.

• I also really like that adults are directly involved in this story, instead of being intentionally kept out of the loop like in most YA stories. In the majority of the YA books I’ve read I really felt like 70% of the problems could be solved by a whole ass grown up swooping in instead of letting a bunch of kids handle real life-endangering shit all by themselves. The 300 Fox Way women are certainly a specific breed of adults, but they are adults, and they do intervene when needed and are kept mostly informed. It’s a nice change of pace. 

• Going to quickly mention my only real point of criticism and then move on. The dialogue in this book isn’t very realistic, and the clear preference for dramatic chapter endings is a little excessive. I can forgive the dialogue issue, because it does help create the atmosphere that this isn’t a real place in the real world but a magical and intriguing town in some mystery land, but I don’t know if this is what the author actually intended. In every other way, the kids are all pretty well fleshed-out and realistic depictions of teenagers. But every time they open their mouths I think: this is not how a natural conversation sounds. And the dramatic chapter cliffhangers isn’t terrible, because it does keep my interest, but I think it’s fine to have a few chapters not ending with a dramatic one-liner, lol.

Predictions! 

Gansey is a reincarnation of Glendower’s. This is not a certain one, but if it’s not true I feel like it’s a missed opportunity. Gansey is constantly described as “both very old and very young”. He died, but mysteriously didn’t die. He has this connection to Glendower and for some reason connects his sense of self to him. It would tie in to the theme of nonlinear time. I think it could be a good ending for this journey, a la “the thing you were looking for was in yourself all along”.

Gansey answering with “That’s all there is” will have more meaning later on. It could be that dialogue thing again, but I found it to be a weird response in the context of that scene. Since I am of the firm belief that this is all heading to a Blue/Gansey kiss, Gansey dying and then undying, and Blue somehow walking him back down that corpse road, I feel like that quote could maybe tie in to that future scene.

Is Adam’s vision really “gone”? In the scene where Adam makes peace with his powers and returns to Cabeswater he remembers the vision from the dreaming tree and thinks: "That wasn’t going to happen now. He’d changed his future. He’d chosen a different way." And I simply can't help but think that that's just... too easy. Why mention the vision so many times if it's not going to happen now? On the one hand, it would be far more interesting if it did happen, but it had a whole different connotation to it than Adam can currently imagine (he specifically says Gansey is dying, not dead.) On the other hand, it does seem like that vision fits in the reality where Gansey dies back in the first book on Neeve's pentagon, if Adam hadn't rushed in and made the sacrifice. I just feel like it's going to make a comeback.

Noah should not be a ghost. There was not once a good explanation for why this happened. Because he died on the ley line? Presumably, if the ley line runs through the US, many people die on the ley line. Gansey’s backstory is that he came back to life from those hornet stings because someone else who should not have died has died. But Noah is like. Not exactly dead? I’m assuming this will need to be addressed later on and serve as some sort of plot resolution.

Persephone has a connection to Cabeswater. She essentially told Adam that she was in his place once (“They won’t understand,” Persephone said. “They didn’t when I came back.”). That lady has something weird going on with her and this tell me it will have some sort of connection to Cabeswater. She kind of gives off the vibes of someone who will get forever lost in a magical forest. Also I feel like maybe one of the psychics won’t make it out alive, and I dread it’d be her or Maura.

Artemus is definitely a Cabeswater creature. I think this was almost explicitly stated? He appeared suddenly and disappeared suddenly? Almost like the surges and outages the ley line causes? Also, I don't remember the specifics from the first book but I think Maura needed Neeve's help to find him because he was in that "place where they can't see", or something like that - presumably Cabeswater. Also, his story does not give human.

[successblueprints]

How I Deal with Tough Days When My Brain Won't Let Me Work

We all have those days where productivity feels impossible. It’s like no matter what we do, we just can’t seem to get started. I’ve come to realize that, for me, these days aren’t just about laziness or lack of motivation—it’s more complex. When I procrastinate, it’s often my creative brain, or what I like to call my “inner child,” throwing a tantrum.

Step 1: Understanding the Procrastination

The first thing I do is pause and try to understand what I’m running away from. Is it the overwhelming amount of work? In that case, I break it down into smaller, manageable bits. When the material feels boring, I add some fun—by creating colorful and funny interpretations of definitions or concepts. I turn words into weird characters, almost like a cartoon in my mind. Sometimes, I’ll turn it into a game, like seeing how many questions I can get right, or even trying new study techniques like rewriting a sentence or reading it out loud.

I find that when I’m bored, it’s a perfect opportunity to experiment. I might try drawing funny sketches of the material or use quirky interpretations to make it more interesting. The key is that I have to figure out what’s causing the procrastination—is it fear, perfectionism, or just the sheer volume of work?

Step 2: Naming My Inner Child

Once I understand what’s happening, I like to give my inner child a friendly name. This helps me communicate with it when things get tough. Every time I mess something up and feel like quitting, I know that it’s just my inner child reacting to the idea of perfectionism. Naming it makes it less scary, and I feel more in control of the situation.

A perfect example would be the time I noticed that my inner child shows up in my skincare routine, but not because I’m lazy—it's because I feel unmotivated when I don’t have enough of those colorful, trendy products, like the ones all over TikTok. You know, the Drunk Elephant skincare, with its fun packaging that every influencer seems to have. It taps into the same idea as “Sephora kids,” where even as adults, we’re drawn to overconsumption of things we don’t actually need, just because they’re colorful or trendy or aesthetically pleasing.

But I’ve realized that I don’t need fancy, colorful products to wash my face before bed. My inner child might crave those items, but recognizing that helps me let go of the unnecessary pressure to follow trends. I focus on the routine itself, rather than what’s missing from my shelf.

Step 3: Clearing the Distractions

Next, I clear my desk. Anything that’s not a school supply or a tool I need for work can be a distraction, especially if it’s colorful or unrelated to my task. I set a 5-minute timer and start working, just to show my inner child that it’s really not that scary. Once the timer’s up, I double it, taking short breathers in between. I repeat this until I feel like I’ve done enough for the day.

Step 4: Knowing When Enough Is Enough

After a certain point, I trust my own judgment. I ask myself honestly, “Is this enough for today?” If I feel like I’ve given it my best shot, I let go of the need to do more. I accept that some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. The important thing is that I’m not fighting my inner child, but working with it.

It’s a simple process, but it’s effective. Instead of battling myself, I’ve learned to communicate with that part of me that gets overwhelmed, bored, or perfectionistic. By understanding and breaking things down, I can get through even the toughest days without feeling like I need to drop everything.

P.S.: I’ve struggled to stay productive most of my life, and a part of that was because I didn’t grow up in one of those aesthetically pleasing, western-style homes you always see on social media. I live in the Balkans, and my bedroom looked nothing like that. It wasn’t perfectly curated or full of trendy decor, but over time, I grew to love my culture and my surroundings. Even though I wasn’t the richest or living the most "aesthetic" lifestyle, I’ve learned that what I have is enough, and it doesn’t define my ability to be productive or happy.

[evangelineshifts]

Failed Shifting Attempt

Dude, I tried shifting literally all day. I took out time off so I had the whole day off and instead of doing it my way(doing random stuff till it feels like it’s working) I tried subliminals.

Worse mistake of my life.

I cracked, I got self conscious and worried that the reason I wasn’t shifting was because ‘I wasn’t doing it right’ since I didn’t have a method.

So I tried Reya’s subliminal(I only got to 27 minutes) and I wasn’t feeling anything that made me assume I was getting closer to my dr so I just stopped, I tried a different subliminal that was just sounds and I felt like i was getting a little close(I was trying to turn over in my dr and I could feel myself(?) getting pulled over but my physical body was ‘keeping me here’ like a coffin or smth so it felt like I was just getting ripped apart inside my body head first. I tried briefly doing my own thing but I stopped after like 2 minutes cause I was impatient.

So overall this entire day has been a fail attempt(never thought I’d say that) and now I’m kind of disappointed? After all my shifting attempts so far I’ve been relaxed, any ‘failed attempts have brushed off me like water. But today was so bad, it’s almost devastating. I feel burnt out or something, I feel like I’m out of energy. I’m never trying another shifting attempt like this again-🦭

I’m gonna try to get all the points in here but they’re not gonna necessarily be in order.

Okay abt you giving up bc you didn’t feel anything, I totally get that honestly I used to do that too but shifting can vary from attempt to attempt if I’m being honest. It can feel like a whirlwind and it can also feel like nothing at all so I’d just advise that when you feel nothing during an attempt try to ignore it cause you’re unintentionally focusing on your body/the process instead of being in your dr. Like a couple times I shifted I didn’t even realize I did until I was back in my cr, other times it felt like I was being sucked into a vortex and it would be unrealistic to try and ignore the feeling. I shifted all the same. Just this morning I shifted and I didn’t even realize. (I’ll make a separate post if anyone wants).

Subliminals work on the assumption that you think they’ll work. That’s why some subliminals work for some people and don’t for others. If they were some end all be all thing than one of those *WARNING SUPER POWERFUL SUBLIMINAL YOU WILL SHIFT IMMEDIATELY* subs would work for everyone but alas 🤷🏽‍♀️ they do not. Don’t beat yourself up too much over it. I honestly don’t even choose subliminals on how much they “work” for me anymore I just choose them on if the background will allow me to focus and relax and if the affs in the background help me out, great. They’re a tool not the machine, treat it as such.

There’s no right and wrong in shifting and honestly failure isn’t real as I’ve learned. No matter what came of your shift you gained SOMETHING from it. Whether it be more knowledge on how to go abt it next time or movement that you’ve just yet to see. Every attempt gets you closer and that’s a success in an of itself. Persist through it if it helps.

You did shift! Good job!

Morph that disappointment into something that happened during your shift maybe?

Chiron told you, you can’t go swim with your friends until your set chores were done. Gods that must be frustrating, you must really want to hangout with your friends. I get that.

You had an argument with someone and they just wouldn’t see your point and got angry with you? Shit what was it abt? Honestly I’d cry, I’m so sensitive when it comes to fights.

Don’t brush it off just maybe turn your focus towards something more progressive while still feeling those feelings. Tell yourself that you’ll deal with the upsetting issue the next time you go to your dr. Motivation and Affirmation that you’ve already shifted all in one. Yippee 🥳

But all in all, I hope you feel better Mimi ☹️ and I swear on my life I will remember to get to your asks in my inbox. I’ve been consistently sick for the longest time 😭😭 I’ve been around little kids and those bitches will cough straight into your mouth without remorse.

- 🍓

[yourstrulylordi]

Dear Kathryn Hahn,

I’m writing to you because everything is your fault.

Ever since I got married to my beautiful wife I haven’t had a crush on anyone else. I suppose the only celebrity crush I’ve had is Jennifer Beals as Bette Porter on The L Word but that’s okay because I’ve liked since way before I ever met my wife, so that never caused a problem.

Well now you came along with Agatha Harkness and my little autistic antennas go absolutely bonkers and HELLO! NEW HYPERFIXATION UNLOCKED! So yeah… this is all your fault. Probably Jac Schaeffer too, but I’ll leave her out of it for now.

For the last weeks I’ve been completely immersed in Agatha All Along, watching every week’s episode, analyzing scenes and clues, studying the characters, sharing ideas and theories with strangers on the internet. This TV show started to heal something inside of me, this isn’t a story about witches, this is a story about women, about life, about finding one’s power. I’ve been finding my own power, I’ve been finding my voice and I have been fighting my biggest fear, which is to be seen. I’ve been reaching out to people whom I love and miss but I didn’t feel worthy of their love. I’ve been meditating, working on my emotions and negative thoughts. Trying to focus on the positive.

I’ll tell you a bit about us.

My wife and I are autistic, we both battle depression and anxiety, she also has OCD, so we deal with a handful but we are a team. We love each other so much and we are each other’s biggest fans.

My wife, she’s so precious, she’s beautiful, smart, witty, creative, intuitive, loving, funny, kind, a fighter, and is willing to give a lot for the people that she loves. But she’s so fucking terrified of living, she’s so angry at the world. She’s scared of being herself, of being seen, of being rejected, of being left, of failing, sometimes I think she is also afraid of succeeding and being accepted. She’s mad at the world for all the time it has failed her, for how mean and heartless people have been to her and are to others, for how selfish we as a society have become, always pursuing our own agenda and completely ignoring the well being of others and our planet, she’s mad because she’s also often misunderstood and made to be the “problem” (which also makes me mad), she’s always made to be too sensitive, too sick, too emotional.

She thinks she’s ugly and unattractive, but Kathryn… everyday I wake up and look at her I can’t believe how fucking lucky I am to be with her. We fought so incredibly hard for us to be together, I pretty much left everything behind and flew across the world to be by her side and I don’t regret it one bit. She’s my miracle. She gives me strength and hope and motivates me to want to get better and healthy and want to see the good things she sees in me.

So back to our problem… Agatha All Along. The real problem arose when I developed a celebrity crush on you… or on Agatha? I don���t know. My wife’s had a fair amount of boy crushes, the current one is basically present in our everyday life, we bought his vynils, I bought her a sweatshirt and a t-shirt from his merch, we have a poster of him on our bedroom wall, we watched livestreams of his performances all summer long, watched interviews, documentaries, I’ve learned all conspiracy theories about him, and I now find myself listening to his music on my own. At first I felt so hurt and jealous, like I wasn’t enough for my wife, I felt like she would leave me for a man similar to the crush, I felt like I wasn’t giving her what she needed so she had to seek for it elsewhere. But I knew deep down those were my own insecurities, I knew she loved me, I knew she makes a choice everyday to be with me, so I worked through the feelings and thoughts. I talked to her about how it made me feel, I cried, she cried, she promised she would stop liking him, I begged her not to because I knew it gave her a break from pain and obsessive thoughts and depression and anxiety and all her demons. She felt ashamed because she shouldn’t obsess about things like that, she’s 31, she should grow up. I don’t think so, I think it’s beautiful the childlike energy and passion she gives her interests and hobbies.

I know myself, as an autistic woman, that the way we experience life is different, we feel so deeply, when we like something it becomes a deep part of our personality, when we’re happy we feel endless and powerful, when we’re in pain we feel the deepest darkness within us to the point we think it might kill us. I love her autistic joy and I love mine. I don’t want her to repress any part of herself just because of my own traumas and insecurities. I want to work through them, because she’s not doing it to hurt me, she’s just enjoying life to the best of her abilities.

I know that all what I was thinking and feeling… she probably thinks it about herself. She thinks there’s something wrong with her, that she’s the reason why I am so obsessed with this fictional character, that she’s not enough, that I’ll leave her for a woman that fits the image of Agatha Harkness.

Dear Kathryn Hahn, you’re beautiful and charismatic, but even if you knocked on my door on that fabulous outfit that Agatha wears when summoning the road on episode two and offered to take me, marry me, give me the world…. I’d ask for a picture and then close the door and go back to the arms of my beautiful wife.

I want her to know that, I want her to understand why I love Agatha so much, why I’m so passionate about this show. It isn’t about how hot you are or wanting to cheat on my wife. It’s about the story, it’s about Agatha and her relationships and losses, how she coped different than me with abuse and became a selfish asshole. I became an asshole to myself, I have spent years insulting myself, punishing myself, telling myself I’m bad and ugly and stupid and unworthy. I’m fascinated by the two polar opposites, I see what could’ve become of me. I don’t like who Agatha became and I don’t like who I became either. I want to find the light and power inside of me, I want to let myself be seen, be heard, be loved. I want to give the world a chance before it’s too late, cause after all Death does come for as all.

I want that life and I want my wife to have it too. I want her so badly to see how amazing she is, she doesn’t let herself be seen either, she masks as the person “she’s supposed to be”, and that’s so exhausting, I know it from experience. I want her to be unapologetically herself, I want her to say what she needs and wants, I want her to be loud, to say no, to try new things and enjoy failing, falling, and trying again. I want her to let herself shine because she’s my light, she saved me and she keeps saving me every fucking day.

I’m struggling because even though I know and understand how she feels… I know rationally that her feelings and my feelings are valid, that I didn’t intentionally hurt her and I am trying my best to be the best wife…. I feel like a piece of shit, I feel like I’m the biggest asshole, I feel like I should punish myself, throw away my AAA hoodie, cancel Disney+, self harm, do things that aren’t good for me, I want to hurt myself, I want to break me for hurting her.

I feel the same way she felt about her interest… embarrassed and like I should grow up and not like things so deeply.

I feel so undeserving of the tiny beautiful things. Depression is so crippling and debilitating… If I have to fight so hard for every breath of air am I deserving at all? Maybe I should just give up. But I know that’s not the solution.

Dear Kathryn Hahn, I know non of this is your fault. I know you haven’t done anything wrong at all, but it’s easier to blame you because you’ll never read this and it means it isn’t my fault.

Dear Kathryn Hahn… why?

Yours truly,

Lordi

[mellybouboulove]

My guardian angel🤍𓆩♡𓆪☁️

Chapter 7

Plot summary: Drug Dealer Ellie Williams X OFC slowburn fic, out of universe and takes place in college, set in the 2000s. Smut content to come.

previous: Chapter 6 , next : Chapter 8

Tags: #wlw #sapphic #drugdealer!ellie #modern!ellie #tlou #slowburn #smut #fluff #tlouau #au #modernau #drugs

CHAPTER 7

The morning after, I woke up just a couple minutes before Ellie and felt like the luckiest individual alive. I enjoyed these precious minutes the universe gave me to contemplate her peaceful sleepy face laying just next to mine. She looked so cute and innocent, her breathing was calm and relaxed, her hair was messy and falling on her face. The sun rays that were enlightening the room through the thin curtains of my window were reflecting on her face but didn’t seem to bother her in her deep sleep which helped me fight the urge to wake her up and cover her face with kisses. 

My room was a mess, our clothes were spread everywhere, I could see my bra on the edge of the bed next to one of her socks while my skirt was under my bedside table and her boxers near the door. The sheets were half removed from the mattress and the blanket was upside down, only covering our chests. I passed my fingers through her fluffy hair, not strong enough to resist the temptation anymore. I noticed she started to move and quickly took my hand out of her face, pretending nothing happened. She finally opened her eyes, yawning and smiling when she saw me. 

- Morning babe, did you sleep well?  - Best sleep of my life. She answered with a raspy morning voice which made me smile and giggle.  - Was I THAT great last night ? I chuckled. - Yes, you were sooo so great.  - Thanks, you were not so bad yourself.  - Not so bad ugh? That’s it? - I'm just kidding, it was perfect. I never felt so good with anyone before. I feel very good around you Ellie.  - Me too. I really like you, I care for you a lot, you’re an amazing person and hanging out with you has been making me feel so much better too. But I really want you to get better. You should focus on yourself and on your healing process. I don’t want this to go further before you manage your addiction; I will stay by your side and help you with everything you need but I don’t want anything to be official before you handle this. I hope you understand.

It took me some seconds to process this. It felt like a knife in the heart but I knew she had good intentions.

- Oh okay. I understand, you have a lot going on too. I don't want us to get together if it is to become a burden for you either. I guess you’re right it’s better like that. 

Saying those words broke my heart but it was the right thing to do. She thanked me for understanding, kissed me and took me in her arms. As we started cuddling and about to make it the only plan for the day, her phone rang. She rolled over me to reach it and picked it up.

- Yes? yes. okay. now ? ugh, ok. okay okay I’m coming. 

She sighed as she hung up. 

- Ugh I’m sorry babe I have some work today. She kissed me once more before standing up and collecting her clothes to dress up. 

She went to get herself ready and then I heard the door slamming, her footsteps running from outside and the sound of her car driving away. I was now left alone with my thoughts; I kept on staring at the ceiling and didn’t move an inch since she left the bed. I felt the warmth she left next to me slowly fade away as I kept her words on repeat in my mind. I will have to put in so much effort for her to accept me; I’m already feeling bad again, the creepling need for drugs in my blood submerging me again. 

I tried to focus on something else. I placed my Britney Spears CD in my Hi-Fi system and blasted some music to motivate me. I started to clean my bedroom then took some time for myself. I took a bath, did some beauty masks and shaved. I watched TV and chilled a little as I kept on thinking about Ellie and about last night, I smiled at the thought. It was helping not to think about drugs. 

Four hours later, Ellie still wasn’t home and I had no idea when she would come back. I got bored and decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air. This day alone gave me the time to take a step back and put everything into perspective. Ellie was right, there’s no way this is gonna work if I don’t get better first. I want to give us the chance to work, and I have to try my best to get better not only for her but also for me. And just like that I began the first step of my desintoxication journey.

[rhondafromhr]

Chapter 3 of the nerds corruption au

Update: this is still consuming my life and I’m not even mad about it. I’m just straight up having a good time.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

“We’re Gonna Become the Bullies” - Chapter 3: Hold Me Closer Than Before

Peter can’t believe he’s actually doing this. He’s going to go confront Brad Callahan. Not only that, he has Max goddamn Jägerman psyching him up to do it. The same Max Jägerman that was beating him up for trying to talk to Steph not even a week ago. If Max still objected to it now, he probably would’ve said something about them holding hands, so it looks like they have his blessing. Pete’s really glad Steph joined them. It’s both endearing and kind of hot how fired up she is to defend him.

They finally track Brad down in the hallway and corner him. Max takes the lead, shoving him up against a locker and snarling, “Did I not make myself clear that Spankoffski is off-limits now? Who the fuck do you think you are that you get to talk to him like that? The order of things here at Hatchetfield High has changed and there’s nothing your weak ass can do about it, so you’re going to show him some goddamn respect from now on.”

“Oh, what, just because I called him one little name? He’s suddenly too cool for ‘Micro-Peter’ just ‘cause you said so?” Brad fires back.

“What are you, new here? Yes he fucking is, that’s how it works! Don’t forget, I’m your god,” Max says, staring him down with unbridled fury in his eyes “And now, so are these two. So we’re going to make sure the message gets through your thick skull this time. Steph, I believe you mentioned something you’ve always dreamed of doing.” Max restrains him while Stephanie raises her arm and backhands him hard, her other one still gripping Pete’s. How’s that for learning to multitask, Miss Tessburger? she thinks smugly. God, that was fucking cathartic.

Max turns his attention to Peter, Brad still in his grip. “Okay, Pete, you’re up! Throw a punch, show me what you’ve got!”

Peter reluctantly lets go of Stephanie’s hand and begins winding up his fist. He has no idea what he’s doing. The closest he’s ever gotten to a fight was that one time he tried to stand up to Max and that didn’t exactly work out in his favor. Or maybe it did? It was the catalyst for the Waylon place incident, which is the whole reason he’s in Max’s good graces. But, he realizes, if he wants to stay there, it would do him some good to impress Max and not throw a weak, half-assed punch right now. To motivate himself, he thinks back to the pantsing incident, growing angrier and angrier as he remembers how small and humiliated and helpless Brad made him feel. Suddenly, punching Brad square in the face as hard as he can stops being an obligation to hesitantly fulfill and becomes a long-overdue opportunity he absolutely relishes. As Pete’s fist slams into his face, Brad tries to play it off like it doesn’t hurt, but the pained groan he lets out is unmistakable. Holy cow, Pete realizes, he gave him a black eye!

“Good job! That was actually really good for a first try. I could feel the righteous fury just radiating off of you. Chills. I’ve got chills right now,” Max says encouragingly.

“Oh, um, thanks. That’s what I was going for,” Pete replies, a little dazed.

“You, too, Steph. The form on that slap? Absolutely impeccable. You might even be able to teach me a few things.”

“Well, I have been training for this. At this point I’ve probably done like ten thousand practice runs of this scenario in my head,” Stephanie deadpans.

“Well, team, this has been fun, but we’ve gotta get to class now, so this trash’ll just have to deposit itself into the nearest receptacle!” Max releases Brad, who books it to get away from them. Looks like their message sunk in.

Later that day, Peter sits in Calc and as hard as he tries to focus, his mind keeps wandering back to the incident with Brad. Even if he didn’t do it alone, he can’t believe he actually beat somebody up. He feels like he should feel at least a little bit guilty, but he doesn’t, and he feels a little guilty for that. Then again, why should he? When has Brad been anything but a complete asshole to him? Still, it kind of concerns him how good it felt to be the one in control for once. Before he can dwell on it too much, a stern, clear voice over the intercom interrupts his internal debate.

“Would Stephanie Lauter, Peter Spankoffski and Max Jägerman please report to the principal’s office immediately? I repeat, Stephanie Lauter, Peter Spankoffski and Max Jägerman to the principal’s office.” Well, there’s a sentence he never thought he’d hear. Even just “Peter Spankoffski to the principal’s office” would be unusual. He really should’ve been prepared for this, but the possibility didn’t even cross his mind. Somehow, it felt like being with Max would give him some sort of immunity. He packs his things and stands up to leave, hyper-aware of his classmates’ curious gazes burning into him.

When he arrives outside of Principal Blim’s office, Steph and Max are already there waiting for him. Stephanie slouches in the cheap, blue plastic chair and seems more bored than anything. Much to her father’s dismay, this is a pretty familiar scene for her. Max just looks confused and possibly a little nervous. Peter supposes that makes sense; there’s a good chance he’s never been here, either. Max has been doing stuff like this for years and hasn’t gotten in trouble once. The school cares way more about keeping their star quarterback on the field and beating Clivesdale than they do about bullying. Principal Blim cracks open the door and pokes his head out.

“Oh, good, you’re all here. Take a minute to collect yourselves if you need and come on in. Let’s start a dialogue,” he says.

Stephanie notices how tense the boys both look. She can’t help but crack a smile. It goes without saying that Pete is adorable, but the sight of literal monster Max Jägerman dropping his tough-guy persona and acting like a scared little kid about getting a scolding from their (honestly pretty chill and understanding) principal is pretty entertaining, too. She squeezes Pete’s hand and gives Max a little pat on his shoulder.

“It’ll be alright,” she whispers as they all head in. It seems to relax them a little bit.

Principal Blim’s office is surprisingly cramped. Or maybe it just feels that way due to almost every inch of wall being covered in cheesy motivational posters, many of which feature adorable cats in ridiculous situations. Peter thinks maybe it’s supposed to brighten up the room and make it feel less intimidating, but to be honest it’s having the opposite effect on him right now. What is it that Max always says about intent versus impact?

“Well, I assume you all know why I called you here today,” he says gently. Stephanie shakes her head and gives him the most puzzled look she can manage. Max and Pete follow her lead.

“You know, owning up to our mistakes is the first step towards doing better. But you don’t seem quite ready to do that, so I’ll spell it out for you. You’re here because the three of you attacked Brad Callahan this afternoon. Quite frankly, this is, as the kids say, ‘out of pocket’ for all three of you, but especially you, Mr. Spankoffski.” How is this in any way out of pocket for Max? Peter always assumed the school administration chose to look the other way on his behavior, but maybe they really are oblivious to it. “Now, I can’t let this slide without issuing some sort of punishment, but I’m willing to hear you out before I make any decisions. You’re all good kids, why did you lash out at Brad like that?”

“He was, um, he was picking on Hannah Foster again!” Stephanie exclaims “We all saw! He’s always making fun of her for stuff she can’t even help and he won’t stop no matter what we say to him! We had to do something, but we just felt so powerless. Believe me, we didn’t want to resort to violence but we just didn’t know what else to do.” Man, being able to cry on command would be awesome right now. Maybe Ruth knows some theater kids that can teach her.

“Yeah,” Peter adds “we couldn’t just stand by and let him pick on a defenseless freshman! Being a bystander is just as bad as bullying. You said so yourself at the anti-bullying assembly!”

“I did say that,” Principal Blim admits “And this isn't the first I’ve heard about Brad giving Hannah trouble. I can see where you’re coming from. Standing up to bullying is always admirable, although your execution was less than ideal. I’ll let you kids off with a warning for today, but if you see Brad bothering Hannah again please just come to me with your concerns instead of escalating things to the point of physical violence.”

“We will! Thanks, Principal Blim! Go Nighthawks!” says Max cheerfully.

“Mm-hmm. Go Nighthawks, fuck Clivesdale. Stay out of trouble, you three.” On that note, he ushers them out of his office.

Once they’re safely back in the hallway and out of earshot, Max holds one hand out to each of them for a fist bump, which they awkwardly return.

“Good thinking back there,” he tells them “you guys are so smart!”

“We learned it from watching you,” Pete points out “using anti-bullying rhetoric to perpetuate bullying is kind of your signature move. I hate to admit it, but it’s pretty clever. And it clearly works.”

“Yeah, it really came in clutch today. If my dad got a call from the school about this, he’d hold my phone hostage even longer. You’re kind of genius for coming up with it,” Stephanie adds.

Max sniffles. “Thanks. That’s, like, the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

“Wow,” says Stephanie, feeling a sense of déjà vu “that’s really sad.”

“I guess it is.” Max chuckles. “It’s just, I don’t feel smart most of the time. I have horrible grades in most of my classes, even remedial algebra. My dad’s always on my ass about it, too. Says I’m lucky I can throw a football because I don’t even have two brain cells to rub together.”

“Well, what the fuck does he know, anyway?” Stephanie spits, suddenly furious at this man she’s never met. This hits way too close to home for her. “Grades aren’t everything. Look at me, my grades are abysmal, but read my takes on Twitter sometime. Some say I’m the voice of a generation.” She hopes her encouragement makes him feel a little better, at least, but she knows all too well that it’s not enough to heal years of having a shitty dad who loathes your existence and devalues you at every opportunity. She thinks of the striking parallel to her own father’s favorite jab: “I want to have an intelligent conversation with you. In other words, shut up.”

“I concur,” says Pete “Ruth and Richie both have really good grades and they’re absolute disasters sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I love ‘em both, but it’s true. Even they’d probably agree with me. Ruth’s an anomaly, I’ll never understand how somebody who regularly blows off homework to write erotic Star Wars fanfiction keeps her GPA so- You know what, I’m getting a little off-topic, but the point is you’re smarter than you think you are, Max.”

A lump forms in Max’s throat and his eyes water. “Thanks, guys. That, uh, that means a lot.” He pulls them into a group hug more gently than either of them would have thought possible for him. They hug him back tightly and after a solid thirty seconds they reluctantly let go. Honestly, all three of them could stand to be hugged more.

[aer-arts]

alright, here goes, this is Aer rambling about Eden from Despair Time for however long this ends up being (preemptive apology if this is long and incomprehensible) some preliminary context, Danganronpa Despair Time is a Danganronpa fan series over on YouTube, it’s really good so far (I find myself liking it more than the canon games) and I’m going to be mentioning spoilers

Anyway, Eden is easily one of my favorite characters in the cast, and part of that is because she’s such a refreshing take on the nice/optimistic character trope. The thing that sets Eden apart however is her views on being nice/optimistic. Most of the time, when a character falls into this category, them being nice is simply innate to their character. Blank acts nice because they are just a nice person. Additionally, I just don’t see a lot of explicitly optimistic characters, and I feel like when they are around it’s seen as weakness and/or being naive in series or by the fans. Eden however is unique in the simple fact that she states ‘Kindness is a choice and that I’m not being weak when I choose to be optimistic.’ (Paraphrasing of course)

and that little detail is so much more interesting to me, and arguably feels more human. It’s easy to be rude or mean to someone, especially if people have been the same to you. Being kind and respectful is a choice you consciously have to make. Throughout the series everyone has just been awful to Eden, pretty much every attempt she’s made to be friendly to others has gone wrong for reasons outside of her control. So it’s telling and impactful to me that she still makes the choice to be kind. She’s not doing it to gain anything, “relationships are not transactional”, instead she’s doing it because that’s how she wants to live. This creates the idea of ‘you aren’t a good person because you were born that way, you’re a good person because you choose to be that way’ which is a message I don’t see often and I feel could be a really interesting theme going forward. Also, it’s worth pointing out that Eden isn’t above blackmail, in context I do feel like it’s justified and Teruko needed that motivation because isolation is terrible for you, but still, kindness is a choice and being kind doesn’t make you immune to using underhanded tactics. Her optimism falls into a similar boat as well. Despair time doesn’t seem to be about hope like mainline, it’s more about trust and distrust. But Eden still someone embodies the idea of hope. From personal experience, it’s really easy to fall into a pessimistic mindset and it just sucks. Looking for the good in things not only helps improve my own mental health, but it makes it easier to just enjoy things. Even bad things can have silver linings or aspects that are well done. Being able to find these elements makes life worth living in my book. As mentioned, Eden has had an especially awful time this series and likely blames herself for the death of at least 2 people. (I’ve seen comments saying that she got over Arei’s death too fast and that makes her sus, my counter argument is that no, she didn’t, she’s just putting off her grief because she needs to focus if she doesn’t want to die, I’ll bet that after this trial she’ll allow herself to feel said grief. The trial system is not designed to let people process their emotions) Additionally, while her secret is arguably one of the most harmless ones, it’s effects on Eden are a bit hard to tell just cause we don’t know much about her life prior to the killing game, it still causes her worry about how she relates to others and opening that window of ‘depending on how people react I may be outcasted by everyone I trusted’. My point in this is that Eden is aware that the world sucks and that things don’t always go well, but she still chooses to be hopeful despite that. Her optimism is a strength, and it’s how she’s choosing to fight the high stress environment of the killing game

In this way, in my opinion at least, the cast, or at least Teruko, needs Eden. Not necessarily in a reliance way but in a counter balance way. I love the cast, but for the most part they all suck and kinda hate each other. Due to all of their flaws the cast feels so human but it also feels like a The Good Place scenario where the cast is specifically tailored to bring out the worse in one another. You cannot power of friendship your way out of this, I mean, you might but this cast can’t, there’s literally been 3 attempted (only 1 succeeded) murders and 1 accidental on. Which, side note, is actually really interesting and unique cause official stuff does play into the friendship route. In this mess where no one trusts each other, Eden provides a counter, she chooses to trust others because not trusting others is a worse idea. If the theme is trust vs distrust, and our protege falls heavily into the distrust category, Eden is needed to show the other side of the conflict. It’s for these reasons that I really don’t want her to be a twist villain

idk what’s gonna happen with Eden in future chapters, but I do think it would be a waste of her character. On one hand, that would undermine the idea of relationships not being transactions, and instead reinforce Teruko’s trust issues and kinda say ‘people are only kind to you because they want something/have something to gain’. On the other, it’s just an overdone trope. I mean, I get why it’s an interesting twist, but also we have David so if Eden is also a terrible person it won’t be as impactful. It’s just overall more unique and different if the nice character is genuinely just a nice character until the end because you don’t see that. Either the nice character dies early or they’re secretly evil, because being nice is a weakness. (I know this isn’t the case, trust me, but you know what I mean)

If Eden sticks around for a while and isn’t evil, I can see her going down 2 different routes. Either what Teruko said will happen and Eden will eventually break under all the pressure and grief. Which defiantly could be interesting and I’d be curious to see how it affects others. The other route is the one I prefer. And it’s that Eden survives until the end (or near end) and proves her mindset right. Let her overcome this awful situation through being kind and trusting others. Have her show that people can change and become better and how helping others is how you survive and thrive. The killing game feeds on distrust and hatred, so let her counter that.

I very much look forward to seeing where this series goes, and I could be completely wrong about all of this. I could probably write a whole paper about this topic and how all the characters feed into it, but I won’t. You’re all very much allowed to disagree with me, this is just my thoughts and interpretations. I just wanted to ramble some

[annoyinglandmagazine]

Lesbian Halenthir pt 10

Haleth didn’t mean to say it. She knew that whatever was going on between her and Moryo it was doomed to eventual failure and pain. After all she was only a ripple in the immortal life of an elf. But in this one matter these two infinitely logical women lost the ability to think clearly or rationally.

Caranthir had noticed the state of Haleth’s cloak when they’d begun to undo their armour and immediately demanded to have it handed to her. Haleth had been confused but passed it over and Caranthir had crossed her long legs and sat on the ground, taking out the thread and needles that she’d kept in her skirts, because of course she had. Who didn’t keep sewing materials in pockets under their armour while fighting.

Haleth had set to sharpening her sword next to her but found it hard to focus. Moryo was focused on her task and her long pale fingers moved nimbly while her curtain of hair, that she had slipped out of its braids, spilled over her shoulders and all the way down her back and around her in inky waves. She had started to embroider the most beautiful roses unto it once she’d finished and flushed as red as them once she realised that Haleth had noticed, pulling her eyes back down to her hands and nervously pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. And Haleth’s resolve weakened as she was overcome by deep affection for the person in front of her. The words were out before she could think of them fully.

‘I love you.’ Caranthir stopped, feeling her eyes widen, hardly able to believe what she had heard. ‘You don’t mean that.’ She said abrasively, angry at herself for doing this to Haleth. How could she deceive such an incredible person into falling in love with someone who never existed? For it must be that she’d presented herself falsely to her, no one would ever be capable of loving her if she had been honest.

‘What, am I too unintelligent to understand the meaning of the words I say? Too unsophisticated to know my own feelings? For how could a mere mortal understand the concept of love?’ Haleth was fuming her words practically spit out as she rose from the ground to glare at the elf. This was right. She should be angry at her, Caranthir must have been genuine here, anger was the correct response when she spoke. So Caranthir did what she did best. She straightened up to look Haleth in the eyes, squared her shoulders and yelled.

‘I’m a monster! I killed people, innocent people, my hands are drenched in their blood! My insignia, my face, my sword or my name invoke fear and hatred in most of my species, even in the children, those who have done nothing to invoke my wrath! I taint and burn all those who are unfortunate enough to know me let alone love me! I’m vengeful, harsh and too weak to stand up to my father or brothers even when they lead us and our people even further into doom for our crimes! Whoever you think you love they are merely a fragment of your imagination! A monster is all I will ever be and if you think there was ever anything more than that it is either the product of deception or wilful ignorance.’

Haleth refused to take a step back or flinch at Caranthir’s words looking straight into those dark blue eyes, now glistening with tears that refused to be shed. When she spoke she kept her voice level ‘I am not here to analyse your every decision and action and look into your every motivation to cast judgement on whether or not you deserve to be punished. I will not do this because I am nowhere near absolved of all wrongdoing myself and I cannot tell you if you are a good person because I do not believe such a thing exists in this world. I know only that you may well be all these things you have spoken of but you are also the Carnistir that I have known these past months and that elf may not be a good person but it is certainly a person with depth and most definitely a great deal more than a monster. And know that I love you not as some bewitched deceived victim but only as a woman who loves all the aspects of another so much they feel they could burst. And if you do not feel that my love could ever be enough to understand the depths of an immortal elf just tell me and you need never be bothered by it again.’

Caranthir sank to the ground pulling her knees to her chest while the first silent tears slipped past her defences. She whispered then her voice barely audible, ‘I do not deserve it. You should give it to someone else, someone that is even a fraction of the person you are, or at least deserving of any form of love from anyone. I am not.’ She was aware of Haleth kneeling next to her. Then like a jolt of lightening she felt her cup her chin, pulling her face gently upwards to look her in the eyes. She waited for a response for Haleth to realise her mistake and get out while she could. She was probably being kind to her, letting her down gently with one last show of affection. More proof that Haleth was far kinder than she deserved.

‘You are. You deserve all the love on this world. I could not give my heart to any other even if I wanted to, ever since I first saw you that day, like a figure from legends. And I would not even if I had the choice for my choice would always be you. You are the first person I’ve ever known to look at me and really see the person I am and I feel more secure in that person every day just knowing that if someone as strong and intelligent as you can look at me with so much warmth I must be doing something right.’ Moryo suddenly wrapped her arms around Haleth, collapsing unto her shoulder to quietly sob. Haleth hugged her back and the knelt together in each other’s arms on the floor for what felt like hours. Caranthir then spoke into Haleth’s shoulder. ‘I love you to. So much.’

[gggoldfinch]

Hi yes obligatory personal update for those of you who follow me for Ghost content!!!:

I’m posting this as a preemptive apology, as Cemetery Gates chapter uploads will become sparse and/or cease for the time being. This is happening for several reasons, the primary of which being, I can feel myself losing motivation to continue writing it. I’ve learned the hard way not to force content when I’m no longer motivated to write for a specific work, so I’m not gonna risk fumbling something as dear to me (and many of you) as Cemetery Gates. It’s a shock I even got this far, considering there’s no definitive plot. Admittedly I also feel my hyperfixation focus shifting, as it usually does every 5-6 months after a seriously long period of fixation, like I’ve had with Ghost. It’s a cycle that I can predict now, which is slightly bizarre, but I’m getting off topic. This doesn’t mean I’m not still a diehard fan of Ghost/ won’t interact with your content anymore! I’m just not hyperfixated like I was in previous months, and may drop off in as active of engagement/ will start posting more multifandom geared things. Idk why I’m explaining this, y’all know how it works.

I’m also currently going through a very difficult time with school, so my emotional/ creative energy has kinda been rerouted, which sucks a lot (tldr: my school is going under and is currently bulldozing my department as a result, I’m actively losing staff support because the profs I’m very close to were fired, and I am fighting tooth and nail to graduate early and get the hell out of dodge). As a result of this my mental health has also been teetering on the edge of not great, so I’ve been taking comfort in older interests and fresh exciting things. Anyway— I say my creative energy has been “rerouted” and not “entirely depleted,” because I do feel some minuscule spark of creativity left, but it’s not focused on Cemetery Gates, unfortunately. Though, I don’t imagine I’d have a lot of time to write much of anything this semester either way, considering how loaded my academic schedule is.

Anyway, I just figured I’d update you all on where I’m at rn, and apologize to those of you who are readers of my darling little Cemetery Gates fic and were looking forward to more. I’m not saying this is the end of it—though if it were to be the end, I think I left it off on a fairly satisfactory note—just that it may be going on a little hiatus for now. At least until I get my juices flowing again, or until my brain decides to revert back into a hardcore Ghost hyperfixation again. Or, if it’s eons from now and the motivation never returned, then I’ll wash my hands of it and mark it finished. Such is the life of a fanfiction author I suppose.

Love y’all, thank you for the continued support— and as always, feel free to shoot me an ask about whatever!

[z1m1nys0ldat]

Shadow & Bone - S2

What I wanted to happen:

Kaz Brekker picking a lock 

Feydor showing of more of his heartrending abilities 

Feydor + Ivan reuniting 

Fivan (in general) 

Wesper (in general) 

Who I wanted to see:

Feydor Kaminsky 

Genya Safin 

Ivan

Kaz Rietveld (young Kaz)

Jordie Rietveld 

Favourite moments:

Jesper admitting to liking Wylan  

Kaz buries Pekka’s son 

David & Genya - “You don’t need fixing” 

Kaz fighting the Dregs 

The Crow’s flashbacks/hallucinations 

Baghra’s death

The Crows fight with The Disciple 

Genya finding David’s plans for a ring 

Inej & Kaz in the chapel saying their goodbyes 

Good things:

The sets were beautiful; Novyi Zem was so vibrant and full of life. The architecture and fabrics shown were so detailed, the streets honestly felt so full of life. I loved seeing more of Ketterdam and Kerch, it made it feel even more real. The darkness and grittiness of the streets was so clear and really added to the atmosphere of those scenes.  Shu Han was simply a work of art. The merchant’s tables and their wares were so intriguing and realistic, and the alter (if that’s what it’s called) where Zoya and Tolya paid their respects to the deceased was so beautiful. 

The costuming continues to impress me! The intricate details of each characters outfits really added to their realness and authenticity.  The Kefta’s were absolutely beautiful, as always! The details in each of them was amazing - I loved how Kirigan’s Kefta began to feature Alina’s gold throughout the season. 

The casting was fabulous! Jack was incredible as Wylan, despite not having red hair he really embodied Wylan for me.  I thought Patrick did an incredible job as Nikolai and really sold the performance. 

Some of the acting was absolutely incredible!  Freddy Carter really channeled Kaz Brekker this season, and not only that but he really channeled Dirtyhands. There were so many scenes where his performance gave me chills! His ability to really become his character is superb! The mannerisms, the posture, the facial expressions, the voice, everything just screamed Kaz - Dirtyhands - Brekker.    Ben Barnes continued to amaze me! His performance as Kirigan is honestly incredible. His ability to channel Aleksander’s vulnerabilities, manipulations, ambitions and cruelties all at once is something I will never not be in awe of. Kirigan’s pain and rage is so beautifully acted out this season and I found myself on the edge of my seat every time he was on screen! Amita Suman - Just Amita Suman! My God was she incredible! Not a single scene went by that she didn’t dominate. Her interactions with Mogen were so chilling and so harrowing. I wouldn’t be suprised if there was an Oscar with her name on it in the future.  

Matthias’ religion.  I loved how they showed Matthias relationship with his religion and how he is trying to reconcile wanting Nina while still believing in his God.    The fact that he refused to fight the wolves as they were sacred and important to his culture and his God, and then later calling out for Nina (A Grisha) and trying to get to her as he is dragged out of the ring is such an interesting dichotomy and I’m looking forward to how they might take this further. 

The transitions the season were insane: Kaz in The Disciples room -> Kaz in the river 

Bad things. 

Some of the acting left things to be desired.  There were a few characters whose acting was not at the level as everyone else’s, and I found this quite distracting and it did take away from my ability to suspend-my-disbelief a bit. An example of this was with some of the background Grisha characters, such as Fruszi. 

Some of the scenes could have gone further.  The scene where Kaz tells Pekka he buried his son was incredibly acted in the show and I did love it, however in the book the scene was much longer and there was no mention or motive of having Pekka confess to Heleen and the Constable’s murders or him releasing Inej. The focus is more on Kaz’s anger and revenge, he is much more insistent in the book that Pekka says Jordie’s name; however once he gives up the information about where Pekka’s son is after he begs and Pekka runs off, Kaz reveals that he had never even seen his son and his motive was simply to have Pekka seen running out of town with his medics in tow at the same time that the plague was appearing at his establishments. Kaz is far crueler in the books, mocking Pekka and saying how the sound of his son crying for him was the sweetest sound he had ever heard. I feel like in the show Kaz rolled over and gave in much easier and far quicker, whereas in the book the exchange lasted far longer.  

Inej should have gotten her own ship at the end instead of joining Sturmhond’s crew. 

I would have loved to have seen my two favourite characters come back - Ivan & Feydor Kaminsky. 

Overall 

I really enjoyed it! It was fun and dramatic and had some really cool action scenes. I think it followed the first season pretty damn well, and I’m looking forward to seeing what they might do with a season 3.  There was some bumps in the road along the way, things I wasn’t so keen on but isn’t that always the way... 

It’s definitely not an accurate and verbatim adaptation of the books but it is without a doubt an impressive and enjoyable one. 

[her-quiet-heart]

The beauty of the journey. How I’m learning to be  more present.

You know what they say: ''It's not about the destination, but it's about the journey.'' Perhaps it's one of the biggest clichés, but it's also one of the most true, and it only takes a little living to find it so. I want to talk about the ways I am learning to be more present in the moment and how life-changing it actually can be. I've always been future-minded. Always wishing, hoping, dreaming. Most things I do, I try to do with the future in mind. I don't believe this is a bad thing. In fact, I believe it's important that we are thinking of the future. Thinking long term can help us make wiser decisions and perhaps keeps us away from being too reckless. It's also important to have goals and dreams of course. We all need things to aspire to, something that keeps us moving forward. Having the hope for tomorrow or ''one day'' can inspire us when today might seem bleak and difficult. I also think it's important that we keep dreaming, even small dreams for our whole lives, as this is a big part of what keeps us alive and motivates us. However, even though living for the future can and does help me in these ways, it can also stop me from being fully present in the moment - something that I am beginning to realize that I need to be.

I never did like the idea of living solely for the present because ''that's all we've got''. The idea sounds hopeless to me. How can we have hope if we don't think about the future? In my opinion, it's important, and healthy to stay focused on the future. However, the main reason I would think of the idea of ''living in the moment'' as a hopeless one is the fact that I am not happy with what's happening in said current moment of time. I have been irritated when I would hear people talking about living in the present. My response was always ''Yeah well, my present sucks.'' I have needed and relied upon my future-based mindset, because that has been the only way I could find hope for better during hard times. Why would anyone who is not happy with their present want to think only of it? It is only natural to want to hope for the better in the future. In this case, I find this to be extremely important. Personally, I am at a point where I must keep reminding myself of who I want to be and the life I wish to have. Otherwise, under the weight of current circumstances, I will continue asking myself ''what is the point?'' and I will only become discouraged and want to give up.  So in this way, for anyone who has fallen upon hard times, keeping that hope for tomorrow can be crucial for your mental health and finding the strength and the will to go on.

Can you live too much for the future? Yes. However, it is also possible to dwell too much in the present that it may drive you to thinking there is no hope. So how then do we live? How can we be present in the present as it were, particularly in hard times, and still maintain our hope for the future? Without losing ourselves in either way.

Well, what I've learned is quite simple. The reason I find it difficult to focus on the present moment as well as the future, is simply because everything about right now feels bad and hard. You can imagine then why it can be upsetting when someone says ''the present is all we have.'' Why would I want to live only for this? If that were the case, I might as well quit now. But, I am finding that just as there in hope in looking to the future, there is also hope to be found here and now. It simply takes having open eyes to see it. My eyes are opening.

Times are difficult, without a doubt. When the present moment is full of pain, grief, frustration and struggle. What helps me is to realize that this is not all my life is. Oh sure, it can seem like it sometimes. There are days I feel so overcome by it all, exhausted from the fighting and drowning under the heavy weight of the heartache within. In the midst of trying times, darkness can be so overwhelming, and it's easy to start thinking that this is all there is. When we look to the past, and are filled with longing, we tend to romanticize it for the parts we miss. We forget about the rest which we might not actually want to go back to. It's the same when we go through hard times in the present. We can get so caught up in trouble that we lose sight of the good that remains to us even in such times. So, if this is what they mean by ''living in the present'' then I agree wholeheartedly as I am learning how to do it myself.

The truth is, not everything about my present life is bad. Recognizing this is what feeds me the hope I need right here and now. I have many good things, some of which I have had all along, but many that I did not have before. Either way, I have come to know that if it were not for the hard things, the good things would not mean as much to me as they do now. I wouldn't treasure them properly. Sometimes, if not always, it takes the bad to show us what the good is worth. In essence it takes darkness for light to shine. And although there are times when darkness seems to suffocate the light, it never truly does. In the darkness, the light shines brighter, and that light becomes so much more beautiful to you. Love, friendship and kindness mean more when your heart is broken. They go far deeper. If our hardships can do anything for us, they can really open our eyes to the good, if we let them.

Some days, the struggle is so intense that it can be so consuming, and it can feel like I am all alone with nothing. But in those times, all I need to do is look within my little world and see everything that remains to me, and I realize that is not true and it never will be. I am reminded that I have certainly not been left with nothing. In fact, I have been given some of the best things one can ever be given. Whenever I take the time to dwell on these things, I am comforted and filled with a kind of joy even when I don't necessarily feel happy. I have been blessed with things that fill my heart with warmth and my life with light even on the darkest and most miserable of days. Even though the bad often seems to outweigh the good and the light may be small, it’s always there somewhere and when I fix my eyes on it, it’s somehow enough to keep me hoping, even here - in the middle of it all.

It's in these hard times that I have found the most goodness, and it's been opening my eyes to the mercy that has followed me all of my life. To the care of a loving God who hears my prayers for help. I still pray for help, but now my prayer is also that my eyes will be open to the help that He sends. Oftentimes, it doesn't come in places that we expect, but always in places that we need it the most. Knowing and experiencing this is what keeps resurrecting and preserving my faith through the hardest of days. The biggest blessing of all I suppose; discovering that I have not been completely abandoned and left empty handed. God in His grace has provided for me all the way, sustaining, giving me strength, and everything I need, exactly when I need it. True to promise, working everything together for good. Shaping me, growing me, teaching  me, and making my life richer than any I would have had if things had always gone exactly my way.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes it can be easy to forget and not easy to see. And I still pray for change and better days ahead. I still dream of the future, with an ache so deep for things I hope to be. However, I am learning to be more present in the moment as I begin to notice on a deeper level, the goodness that is around me and appreciate every day for what it is. Sometimes I wonder if anything good can come of it all, but I don't need to look too far to find that good has already come. There is no place so hard in life that something good cannot be found.

If I had gotten to where I want to be straight away, and if all these troubles never existed or if they went away so easily, I wouldn't have half of the positive things I have now. The things I've learned, the people I've met and have grown to love, the small things that have become big, the memories I'm making without even knowing it, and so many other things about my life and the person I am now. Everything I love now and have ever loved before. None of this would mean so much if not for the hard times in which they found me. This, I'm discovering, is the beauty of it all. Learning that there is indeed plenty of purpose to the journey, and that all of it, every single thing matters. The cliché is true because when you think about it the journey is not just one part of our life, the journey IS our life. I still think it's important to have dreams, a vision for the future. Especially in our rough times. There's nothing wrong with hoping for things. However, I have come to a point where I no longer want to keep waiting for certain things to come or certain things to go before I start to truly appreciate and live my life. I certainly don't want to live with eyes blinded to the good things that exist here and now. A sad heart can still be a thankful one, and I am determined that mine will be so. And just think, all we have now was once unknown to us, and all we know now is not all we will ever know. That’s a reason to be hopeful right there, excited even. Remembering there still so much to be found and experienced along this hard, but beautiful and amazing journey that we call life.

So, this is how I'm learning to live in and appreciate the present, despite its hardships, without losing hope. By remembering the blessings that exist in my life, counting my rainbows as it were. I wouldn't say that I have been completely blind or ungrateful, but the trouble that fills our minds can cloud of view of the good that is still in our lives, right here and now. Now, I am waking up more to see these things. I no longer want to live as though there's only hope in the future, and lose out on what's here for me now. I'm starting to realize that in many ways, these are the days I will probably remember the most in years to come, and this is how I will learn to value them now. I am very guilty of living each day like it's merely something to get through. Something to endure until I'm where I want to be. I can’t honestly say that I have managed to stop this. However, I am learning that the best way to endure such days is to still keep myself open to what’s around me and the value that each present moment can still give to me. Living in the present has always thrown me into despair. I'm learning to change that by changing the way I view the present. Hard as it might be, each day really is a gift - one that can be used for many good things, not something we are forced to put up with. Sure, we can live life like that, but maybe there's a better way. Maybe there is meaning to the present. Value in every moment and season of life. Maybe there is a lot of learning and purpose in each day, and in each place we find ourselves.

To sum this up as best I can, God is good and gracious, there can be gold found in any wreckage. and life is not something we wait for or travel to. This is where our lives are lived and our stories told - right here and right now - in the journey. Ultimately, it's about our perspective. It's very simple, but allowing myself to see it this way is what is teaching  me to be more present in my own life. Helping me to embrace it more fully and experience it more completely. Because all of it matters. Every single day. Every little bit. 🤍

[ohmytomorrowisthursday]

Until I Fall - Part Seven

Levi Ackerman x Fem Reader.

Eventual romance but this is a slow burn, definitely angsty and darker. It will also focus a lot on Hange, Erwin and the original scouts. Eren and the 104th training corps will be around but I’m focusing on the older characters in here. Your self insert name is ‘Azeria Becker’ pronouns She/Her/Hers. Using a name because don’t like using ‘y/n’.  

Cannon universe. I wrote this for myself but I hope that you enjoy it, too lol <3

As you stood in front of Levi on that final day, you couldnt help but remember every last moment of your time in the scouts. How had you gone from that scrawny young rookie trying to fight titans to Erwin’s right-hand soldier who overthrew the government and was about to charge to your death? It was never fair, you’d never get enough time together. Standing before him, his eyes full of the sadness of the truth, it hurt too much to say Goodbye, don’t forget me. I’ll love you forever, so instead you said the only word that you could manage to speak; Survive.

cw: imagine literally every awful/gory thing that happens in SNK. Death, violence and gore. Drinking, sex.

I will be releasing 2 chapters at a time every few days. You can find all chapters here.

You were up and ready for your early morning training faster than usual. It was so hard to fall asleep, you were far too excited; Ilse and you talked for hours about the next expedition. And Levi. You hadn't expected him to do this for you. It's not that he was unkind, its just that it seemed like he found you annoying. Maybe you were wrong about him. There was so much that you still didn't know. He was older than you by a few years- not too many, but life seemed to have wore his edges down. His eyes were tired and you could tell he had been through hell. Maybe one day he would finally open up and tell you more.

The winter air felt like ice when you went out to train int he morning. "Hey, moron," Levi remarked as he met with you in front of your dormitory, "Wipe that stupid look off your face, it's too early to be this happy."

You kept walking, happy to ignore his grumpy disposition.  "You know what," you said with a little hum, "You can't ruin my mood today. I'm too excited about joining Captain Erwin on the next expedition."

"Tsk. Don't get your hopes up too high. If you stay this bad it'll be your first and last time out with us." He groaned, but you knew that you were up for it. You had only gotten faster and stronger since the 26th expedition out, and it was bound to be easier this time.

"You're just mad that I'm as good as you now, and that's why you don't want me to join," You nudge him a little and he grumbled. "Let's just see what happens, brat."

Training with Erwin was not like training with your previous squad. They spent more time sitting around tables and planning than running drills. Erwin was confident and to the point. They had new gear that he wanted to test out; signal guns that had different colours to indicate whether a titan was spotted, the area was clear, or if there was a problem. It made you nervous to have to test out new equipment with them; you had never even fought alongside them, what if you messed everything up?

Finally, it was time to drill. "Azeria, how are you feeling?" Erwin asked you. He seemed kind, but he wasn't soft when he spoke. He was like a king among men when it came to the scout; so many of you were rough around the edges, scared and motivated by survival. Captain Erwin never seemed to feel any of it, or at least if he did it was buried in some vault deep behind his eyes. He was always perfectly composed. "I'm okay, Captain. I've never used a signal gun like this before." You examined the contraption in your hands; it wasn't like the handguns you had seen the Military Police carrying; instead it was small and light, with a wide barrel for the smoke bombs.

"You'll be just fine. It's a new tactic for everyone, just do your best."

And so, you did. Even though it was just training, everyone seemed as ready as they'd be in a real battle. Mike and Levi were by far the fastest, disappearing into the trees before your eyes. It only became apparent as to where they were when you saw the smoke signal up in the sky. Hange; they were the boldest. When a 'titan' was spotted she always found a creative way to maneuver herself into a high range spot as fast as she could. Her and Moblit took on the titans as a team. You were paired with Oliver; a soldier from the training corps before you. He was young, but had managed to kill 2 titans during his first two missions. "Okay, rookie, here's the plan; you do the spotting and I'll do the killing," He said. You let out a snort.

"Fine, but you'll have to keep up with me!" You clipped your horse and ran straight ahead into the woods. "Hey!" He yelled after you. You were determined to prove yourself to Erwin and the group; you wouldn't be slowing them down. You spotted the fake titan in the bushes and let out a flair. "Good, Azeria! Keep it up!" Erwin called from behind. Using your ODM gear you shot up into the trees to practice luring the titan, Oliver flew in a few seconds later and sliced the neck. "How are you so fast?!" He exclaimed, landing on the tree beside you. It made you even more determined to do well.

Behind, Erwin was riding with Hange, watching the teams youngest soldiers. "Hmmf," Hange let out a laugh, "Not bad for a trainee." Erwin smiled. "Not bad at all."

After running the drill you were exhausted. Dinner could not come fast enough. Erwin's squad was the first in; the group was so experienced that training at times seemed a little pointless. There was no way Levi and Mike needed to run drills.

"You did well today," Hange said, joining you at the table. Your cheeks were pink with exhaustion and you couldn't even imagine what your hair looked like. "Thank you, but I think you all just make it easy for me." They smiled, "A team is only good if everyone works together. Just because you're new doesn't mean that you're worse; we've just had more time to fight those monsters than you."

You paused, staring at your plate. "I just don't want to hold us back. When we're back out there."

"You won't. I know you wont. Making it back alive from your first expedition is a good sign that you'll survive, and if you keep doing what you did today, you'll be fine." Hange replied, "Plus, I'm certain that Levi's been making sure that you're ready." You looked over to him, sitting down at the other end of the table. He glanced over at you, and let out a smile. You felt your chest tighten a little and your cheeks go pink. Why do I want to impress you so bad? All you wanted was to see him smile more.

chapter eight

[luna-writes-stuff]

WRITING UPDATES MARCH 2023

1. AO3, Tumblr, and Wattpad

AO3, Tumblr, and now Wattpad! I have created a new Wattpad account where I will publish my works from here for newer fans as well. It’s gonna take a while, since I’ve written quite a lot in the last few years. For now, the entirety of my Kili x OC series “Starcrossed Losers” can be found on there through this link <3

It’s gotten a new jacket on Wattpad too (she’s been yassified, guys :))) ). And, for the cult members, I have included some of your memes and reactions as well!

2. The Starcrossed Losers playlist

I have updated the playlist of Starcrossed Losers. The ‘standard’ fic titles have been removed and replaced with those actually relevant to the story. It can now be found back on Spotify right here, or find it on the masterlist of mentioned fic!

3. Concerning November Writings

Yes, I am still not finished with November Writings. I do not know if I ever will, but I’ll try to make progress when I find the energy. Truth is, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for the last four years now (as a fangirl does), but lately, it’s been getting worse, and - not to sound dramatic - I’ve been fearing for my own life. I am actively trying to fight it, and I’ve finally been seeking help and talking to people, but that also forces me to put things I want to focus on first. I want to write, but I oftentimes have trouble finding inspiration from requests. I have regained inspiration and motivation for Starcrossed Losers and a new series, so I’ll work on those first. Thank you for understanding! :)

4. The Mandalorian fic

Starcrossed Losers and a new series. Yes, I have been working on a Mandalorian x OC series. Seeing as the new season will start publishing now, I’ll have to work hard as a ficwriter. I’ll publish it on all my platforms once the first season is done! I cannot guarantee it’ll be finished before the ending of season 3, but I’m sure the Star Wars fandom won’t immediately go to sleep afterwards <3

5. Less activity

I have removed the Tumblr app from my phone due to personal reasons. By deleting distractions from my phone, I can try to focus more on myself and my mental health, but it will decrease my activity on this hellsite. Not to worry, I won’t leave you completely <3