#and I will end up behaving in ways. that I don't necessarily want to. I can't be normal about it is the TLDR

[lupins-hehim-pussy]

question: does your specific "proshippers dni" mean more of a "dni if you will be talking about «proship» ships" or a "dni if you're an advocate of letting people ship what they ship as long as they tag it properly". I'd say it just feels that your a) extremely thoughtful analysis and willingness to reach out with it and b) degree of acceptance of people who do use things as pure escapism feels contradictory to a blanket "no proshippers" ban. you are of course free to have any boundary you like and if it is indeed option 2 I will not encroach on it further.

I'm gonna try to keep it super straightforward and concise because by now I'm sure everyone knows I yap.

The pro shippers DNI interact disclaimer is just there for me. To make me feel 'safe', you could say. Not in the sense that I think pro-shippers are going to attack me (I don't think most people care, to be honest), but in the sense that I have to have it on every single platform I frequent otherwise I will combust. Don't ask me why /lh. You don't want me to get into it.

Thing is, I don't check. As long as I'm not forced to be exposed to it and the community/culture around it, I actually don't worry too hard about who might be interacting with my stuff most of the time. I know I can't control other people, and shipping discourse really isn't life's biggest problem. I am also fully aware of all the nuances to it. I just react very aggressively to pro-shippers/pro-ship rhetoric (or advocacy as you call it) and just the whole........... space, so I try to disengage all together.

So, in short. It's not a 'ban' it's more like. My emotional support DNI disclaimer lol

[ereawrites]

Hey gurl✨ I’m in my wife era rn so maybe some Shisui and/or Tobirama husband/jealous husband hcs?🫣 I loooovee your writing and tbh your thoughts are my thoughts so no pressure😩 If you not feeling it feel free to ignore me babe🧚🏻‍♀️

YOU HAVE FED ME SO GOOD MISS GIRL! under the cut for length

shisui

this isn't too relevant but I have to include it. it's too cute. I definitely see shisui getting married pretty young, like early 20s. if he finds his person he's going for it. probably gets a lot of shit for it from his family, but he doesn't care

loooong honeymoon period. in part because they're still a young couple but also... shisui is just a really devoted husband. he loves the married life. insists on kissing her goodbye every morning, eating together every night, stuff like that

LOVES DECORATING THEIR HOUSE are u kidding me. let's say they get a kinda shitty place right after they get married, and put a tonne of work into doing it up. he gets so into painting, building the furniture, even starts up a little herb garden in their kitchen

finds so many ways to drop his wife into conversation lol. he's down bad even after the honeymoon period ends, so he wants to show her off. his FAV is when she swings by his workplace to bring him his 'forgotten' lunch. he turns around to the rest of the guys like. yeah. that's my WIFE. isn't she hot.

very much a believer in keeping the romance alive. he wants to keep making the effort with her until the day he dies. veryyyy good at remembering anniversaries, scheduling regular date nights, etc. always makes sure she has fresh flowers in the house

obviously it isn't all perfect though. especially while they're young (and presumably both still active, high-ranking shinobi) their schedules keep them apart a lot. and this hits shisui really hard tbh. he hates coming back to an empty home after a long mission, knowing he might not even see his wife before he has to leave again

work is probably where most of their arguments stem from, actually. I don't see it being a regular thing, but it's easy for resentment to build in those kinds of situations. shisui is very torn between his love for his village, and his love for his wife, and the fact he can't prioritise both. thankfully shisui is a good communicator so they make things work.

in terms of jealousy... I don't see it being a common thing. maybe before they get married he tends towards it a bit more, but once she's his wife, why would he worry? she's his entire world and he knows she loves him just as much

the only way I rly see him getting jealous at all is if they're going through a bit of a rough patch for the reasons mentioned above. maybe they haven't seen each other in weeks, and they both get back from a mission on the same day. and there's some kind of event/function that evening that they have to attend

so they barely have a chance to acknowledge each other, before they're pulled apart again by the crowd. so if shisui sees some random guy getting a little too close and flirty with her, he gets more annoyed than he'd like to admit

even then though.. he's not necessarily jealous as much as he is upset. like goddamn just let this poor man have his beloved wife to himself for a night. in this situation he's more likely to behave more rashly than usual, and he might just make some excuses and take her home lol. he gets a little bit pouty until she gives him some attention

overall, though, he's very chill. he trusts her implicitly, and expects the same from her. they need to have a very honest, respectful relationship if he's going to wife her up

god okay and in old age they're so cute together. I bet they have a bunch of kids (probably accidentally tbh lol) so then they end up with a whole squadron of grandchildren. he's that fun grandpa who sneaks them sweets when the parents aren't looking. all the grandbabies want to sleep over at their house. and they LOVE it.

to sum up: very good husband. very relaxed, communicates well, makes her feel loved every day. why did he have to die I want to throw myself off a bridge.

tobirama

first of all. good job to this woman. wrangling tobirama into marriage is not an easy job. he's so fucking ANNOYING. it probably takes him years to confess he even has feelings for her, let alone ask for her hand in marriage

but once he gets there. it's pretty cute. he doesn't really act very differently for the most part - he'd already decided his heart belonged to her well before they married, and wholly committed. so his behaviour doesn't change much, and there isn't much of a honeymoon period. sorry. he's like marriage is just a contractual agreement why would it change anything between us

he does make a few little indulgences though. he gets this smug little look every time he introduces her as his wife. he's actually just a lot more prone to 'showing her off' in general, and more likely to show some physical affection in public. for tobirama that's maybe a peck on the cheek lol. but it's progress

he's definitely a lot.... gentler?idk. with her once they're married as well. he makes an effort to be more patient and less snippy, and shows his appreciation for her in a lot of quiet little ways. for example, he'll be sure to leave work on time no matter how busy it is if he knows she's putting a lot of effort into dinner that night. or if she spends a second too long looking at a new dress in the store, he's buying it for her

on that note. tobirama is such a provider once they're married. he does have that traditional idea of providing for his wife. he'll probably ask her if she wants to become a stay at home wife tbh. if she says yes, he still expects her to get out in the community of course. he'd love if she did volunteering work, maybe at the hospital or with kids or something. but he's also equally happy for her to keep working. power couple vibes very strong

they have a nice, quiet little house away from the village where no one bothers then and they loooove it. especially tobirama, his wife and their home are his sanctuary. everyone else gtfo

other than that, not much is really different from before their marriage. they probably actually lead quite independent lives, to the point where people don't even know they're married until tobirama drops it into conversation a few months later. they're very private and lowkey.

unfortunately for her, tobirama's paranoia also persists. he's a bit delulu sometimes lol and she knows this going in. but it does inevitably cause some issues, especially if she's headstrong (which is definitely the type of woman he ends up with)

he trusts his wife more than anything. he would never doubt her for a second. but other men? the enemy. not to be trusted. they're all dogs. it drives him absolutely batshit crazy to watch them ogling her, or god forbid trying to flirt with her. which is actually kinda common bc they're such a lowkey couple, so people assume she's single

tobirama isn't one to make a scene per se, but this definitely leads to a few awkward situations in public, and she probably ends up embarrassed a few times. and there's 10000% arguments behind closed doors. I don't see either of them being good with this lol. he acts like she's his political enemy he's ridiculous

but because he loves her so much, and he actually really wants to put work into the longevity of their marriage, he'll come around. he's a lot softer and more willing to compromise when it comes to her. but she can't point that out because he's mortified

over time, he chills out a lot more. they're one of those couples that just get stronger and better with time. they grow a lot together, and although they probably continue to disagree a lot throughout their marriage, it's always in a way that leaves their relationship stronger. and he only gets softer for her. people (hashirama) even start to point out how devoted he is and he can't even deny it. cute

overall a kind of difficult husband, because he is an exceptionally difficult man, but my god he loves her so much. he would do anything to make her happy.

[cassiesc0rner]

Impurities VI

Synopsis: You're the new girl at East Highland High, your only goal is to get through school. Until you come across Nate Jacobs

Genre: slight fluff, suggestive

Pairing: Nate x fem!reader

Warnings: manipulation, lying, jealousy, consumption of alcohol, mentions of weed, Imk if I missed something

Song rec: doin’ time - ldr I lauren - men i trust | the color violet - tory lanez | outwest - jackboys | private landing - don toliver

WC: +7,1k

Other parts: previous part, next part

A/N: Thank you guys so much for being so patient with me I really appreciate it, a special thanks to @lilyrachelcassidy for proofreading, and helping me with this part💋 and also thank you 💿 anon for the ideas you gave me in your asks ᥫ᭡

A few days have passed since Nate and Max's encounter, and to Max's dismay, Nate was now involved in the planning of his birthday. It wasn't only weird for you, because you felt like Max was scared of Nate, it was also extremely uncomfortable for Max, who felt like he was walking on eggshells.

The three of you sat together in a nearby café, as you went over the final details for the party. You couldn't help but notice that something was off. Something about the way Max avoided looking at both of you, and the way he sometimes stumbled over his words when he explained something.

He wasn't like this when you two met up alone. He was funny, constantly cracking jokes, talking to you normally and he was full of enthusiasm. He wasn't this nervous or quiet and reserved.

You tried to ignore the feeling, reminding yourself that this was for Nate's birthday, and that everything should be easier now that he's in on the plan. But you just couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.

You glanced at Nate, who looked as calm as ever. But something about his calmness made you suspicious, because you were sure that Nate was really perceptive, always paying attention to his surroundings and the way people behaved.

He wasn't oblivious, so why didn't he ask Max what's going on? Did he simply not care, or was he still mad because you met up behind his back? Did they have a fight you didn't know about?

You felt like, every time Nate said something or disagreed with something Max said, Max got quieter and agreed with him.

It made you feel weird, and you just wanted the meeting to end as quick as possible, so you could escape the tension and be alone with Nate. You remembered thinking about hanging out with both of them when you met up with Max for the first time.

But this is not how you imagined it.

"What do you think about that?" Nate suddenly asked, as he placed his hand on your thigh, the touch pulling you back to reality. You looked back at him, as you tried to remember what they were talking about.

When Nate saw the confusion written all over your face, he continued "Max and I were talking about who we should invite, and I said that we should only invite a few people from the team, the cheer squad and some of the other popular students."

You nodded along, trying to catch up "That sounds good.. but don't you think we should also invite those, that aren't necessarily popular?" you asked nervously.

The popular crowd always used to intimidate you.

No matter which school you went to, the popular kids would always make you uncomfortable. Whether it was because they saw everyone else as below them, or because they bullied everyone who dared to disobey them.

You didn't really interact with any popular kids yet, except for Nate, Maddy and Max, and you were absolutely scared about what the others might think of you.

You didn't dress like them, you didn't act like them, and you were well aware of the looks some of the girls gave you, when you walked hand in hand with Nate, not to mention the chuckles and giggles that would follow sometimes.

You weren't sure how you're supposed to spend more than five minutes in the same room with them. You didn't expect Nate to be by your side the entire time either, of course he would want to talk to his friends.

Nate pretended to think for a moment as his gaze sharpened "I'm not sure, baby.. I don't want a bunch of randoms at my party. I mean what if they cause problems?" he reasoned calmly.

You nodded understandingly before you responded "No, you're totally right.. It's just I really think, it might be a good chance for other students to feel included too, you know?" you explained carefully.

Nate didn't give a crap about the 'normal students' and he felt like you shouldn't either. Sure, some of them were your friends now, but he couldn't help but feel like you both were above them.

He couldn't tell you that though, you would get the wrong idea of him. "Fine.. I mean you can invite your friends too, it's just that I don't know the other students. I'm not.. excluding them or anything just because they're not popular. I just know the popular crowd way better, and most of them are cool." he explained

"Right Max?" he asked as his gaze wandered back to his teammate. Max nodded "Yeah, they're super chill." he quickly replied, as he looked at you –but not for long, way too scared that Nate might misinterpret it again.

You nodded understandingly "Alright, thank you for letting me invite my friends.." You smiled at Nate, who smiled back at you as his thumb rubbed over your thigh. "But there are some people who definitely aren't welcome, like Maddy and Cassie, and their friends.. They're just bad news." Max nodded in response.

"Are you sure they'd even consider coming in the first place, though?" he asked softly, to which Nate shrugged "I'm sure Maddy and Kat wouldn't, but Cassie... I mean fuck, she still used to text me everyday until recently." Nate scoffed.

That was new.

Why didn't he tell you about that? You furrowed your brows as you looked at Nate "What do you mean she still texted you until recently?" you asked, completely bewildered. Nate just shrugged nonchalantly "Why didn't you tell me?" you added.

Nate sighed "Because it's not important, I don't care about what she does." He reasoned. You nodded "Okay, but I think it's important. I mean, she's clearly harassing you.." you responded.

Nate wasn't sure how to feel about this side of you. He's seen you jealous before, but you never verbally showed it, so this was new to him. "Well, what am I supposed to do? I already blocked her, but she still calls me with an unknown number.." he defended himself.

The truth was, he didn't exactly block her.

He was seriously scared that Cassie would approach you one day, and tell you everything that happened between them, or him and Maddy.

That's why he was scared to block her at first. He even tired threatening her not to do it many times, but she had nothing to lose and he knew that.

"Maybe I should talk to her." you mumbled grumpily. Nate immediately shook his head "No absolutely not, you're not gonna talk to her, alright?" he declared, his tone more serious "Cassie's fucked in the head, you can't talk to her, who knows what she'll do.." he reasoned.

"Then it's even more important that I talk to her, because she clearly didn't listen to you." Nate sighed again "Y/n, please.. can we just not talk about this in front of Max?" he asked, his tone just the slightest bit annoyed. You shook your head "No, I'm actually glad he's here, I'd love to hear his opinion."

Max swallowed harshly. He was so glad he wasn't a part of this discussion so far, and now he had to give his opinion on something like this, while Nate was right in front of him.

"Um.. I'm sure if Nate says he handled it, you shouldn't have to worry." he shrugged. You sighed "He clearly didn't handle it if she still calls him."

Nate liked how much you cared about him, and how furious you seemed to get, just because another girl was texting and calling him. But he also felt weird because his girl was trying to take care of his business, when it should be the other way around.

Nate looked back at Max as you continued "I mean, calling your ex with an unknown or hidden number is so.. creepy. Especially if you bombarded them with texts for literal weeks." you explained.

"She's gonna stop eventually, it's really not that deep." Nate reasoned casually. "No, you don't get it. Do I have to remind you how angry you got when you found out Max and I were meeting up behind your back? How is this any better?" You suddenly blurted out.

Max was so sure he couldn't feel more uncomfortable at the beginning of your meeting, even when it became gradually worse, but now he was sure it was still possible.

He looked at Nate with fear in his eyes, sure that he was probably about to get mad at you, when he saw that cold look in his eyes for a split moment.

Nate looked back at you "You can't compare that. You literally lied to me when I asked you who you're meeting up with, I didn't lie to you about Cassie." he said, his voice slightly lower than before.

"Yeah, and instead of trusting me, and letting me handle something, you forced the truth out of me." you retorted sarcastically. Nate didn't like your tone at all, and he wanted to assert himself "Look, I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry for caring so much about you, and wanting to know the truth, jesus.."

You squinted your eyes at him, because that's exactly what your mother would say, when she tried to make you feel bad for something she did. You were sure that Nate didn't do it with any ill intent, and that he probably just did care a lot, but you couldn't help but notice the similarity.

And Nate seemed to notice that you were thinking about what he just said, just by the look on your face "That's literally something my mom would say in an argument." you pointed out, before raising your hand in defeat. "But, hey, I get it, you're worried and we both made mistakes. But please understand that I don't want Cassie to harass us."

Nate nodded understandingly, calming down just slightly, once he heard the sincerity in your voice. "I'll take care of it, don't worry, alright?" he said, as he stroked your cheek gently. Despite not wanting to let him go that easily, you couldn't help but smile and lean into his touch.

He knew this would work, it always did when you were to disagree with him.

"So, where were we?"

A few days had passed after you two met up with Max, and with the birthday party just two days away, you were more than glad the stress of planning everything was over.

You even found a birthday present for Nate.

You recently went to a jewelry store nearby, where you came across a silver bracelet. It was classy, but not too extravagant which meant he could wear it all the time. You even decided to pay some extra money to get the initials of your first names engraved into it, just to make it even more special.

You were sure you'd be broke after Nate's birthday, since you also had to buy something to wear to the party.

Which is why you were at the mall right now.

When Nate asked where you'd be going after school and you told him you'd look for something to wear to his birthday, he immediately wanted to come along, to help you choose.

But you wanted your outfit to be a surprise, and you definitely wanted to impress him and show him that your sense of fashion changed for the better.

You entered one of the many stores in the mall and immediately felt somewhat.. strange.

You were so used to going shopping with Nate, that it felt strange to enter the shop alone now. It felt like your social anxiety got even worse now that you were alone with all these people in the store.

You wished you were invisible.

It was hard to understand why you felt this way, because you were so sure that you missed going alone, with your earbuds in, trying to ignore everyone else around you. But now you wished Nate was here with you, holding your hand and almost dragging you along with him when he found something new for you to wear.

You didn't like how dependent you were on him, because you didn't want to burden him in any way. Just because you were together didn't mean you'd have to be glued to each other all the time.

But the urge to call him and tell him to come right now was immense. Especially because Nate told you that you could call him if you want him to pick you up from there.

You tried to calm down, and turned the volume of your music up, before taking one last deep breath, and walked further into the store, deciding to check the dresses out first.

Once you saw the rack of dresses, you instantly knew you had to get one since you were sure Nate would want you to wear one.

However, upon further inspection, you noticed that they were all either short, see through, or both. You were used to wearing skirts on the shorter side, so you decided that choosing a short dress wouldn't be that bad.

Not to mention, that you were sure the other girls would also wear something that would show a lot of skin. You didn't want Nate to look at them, and be sad that his girlfriend didn't dress nicely.

You took three different dresses, and made your way to the dressing room.

Once you closed the thick lilac curtain, you sighed feeling relaxed now that you were truly alone. You tried each of the dresses on, looking at each and every angle.

Then you finally decided to wear the last dress you put on: A sultry black satin dress, which had a more sexy look compared to the others. It was also rather short and contained two strings next to the waist, which you could use to adjust the length of the bottom.

You missed wearing darker clothes, and this dress was the perfect opportunity to do so, while also making Nate happy.

You made your way over to the cash register, trying to calm your nerves as you prepared what you were going to say to the young woman. Usually Nate always handled this kind of stuff, and you never had to say anything to the cashier, except for a 'bye' once Nate was done.

But you had to get used to it, you didn't plan on letting Nate do everything for you in the future.

"Where are you going dressed like this?"

You were just about to leave for Nate's party when your mother interrupted you.

It wasn't just the fact that you wore a short dress this time, no. You were well aware of the fact that you looked like you were about to go to a club.

You adjusted the length of your black dress on one side earlier, causing the dress to expose one of your thighs. You also decided to wear some simple, matching black heels, which you wore to one of your dad's company parties, as well as the YSL bag Nate bought you.

And yeah, maybe you also wore more makeup, and smelled like you bathed in perfume, but today was an important day after all.

"I'm going to Nate's birthday party.. I already told you." You rolled your eyes, not ready to have yet another discussion with her, just because of the way you dressed.

"Yeah, of course you are.. why did I even ask." Your mother scoffed, to which you rolled your eyes. "Your dad and I have to talk to you.. either now or when you're back." she announced.

You tilted your head and looked past her, your eyes landing on your father who was sitting in the kitchen. You gulped, scared of what they were about to tell you.

"Fine, just tell me tomorrow.." you said. Sure, you were curious about what they wanted to tell you, but in case it would ruin your mood, it would be better to find out after Nate's birthday.

You didn't want to be pissed on his special day. Also, you and Max worked so hard to make this day perfect and you wanted to enjoy yourself. Not to mention that you couldn't possibly hide your feelings from Nate.

Your mom nodded in response "Alright," she eyed you up and down in a disapproving manner once more, "have fun at Nate's party." she added coldly, but you didn't miss the undertone.

You subtly narrowed your eyes at her before leaving. Now you were sure whatever it was your parents wanted to tell you, would put you in a bad mood.

You were well aware of the fact that they disapproved of your relationship with Nate, and it was safe to assume that they were about to try to separate the two of you.

"Max, where are the balloons?" you shouted across the huge living room "Um.. I think they're still in my car, I'll get them just gimme a sec!" he yelled back.

You two were currently decorating the living room, since the party was about to start soon. You told Nate explicitly to let you two handle the decoration alone.

Which obviously irritated him again.

Not really because he was scared that you'd cheat on him, it was more the fact that Nate had no control over what the two of you would be talking about. What if Max would come clean with you, and tell you everything Nate said to him in the locker room?

Nate knew deep down that Max probably wouldn't do that, or that it might only happen if you would confront him about it. But since you didn't have any suspicions in the first place, he was sure you wouldn't ask.

Not to mention that Nate could –and would– ruin Max's life in return.

Once Max returned from his car, you started pumping them up together. "I'm so glad almost everything went well." you sighed. "What didn't go well?" Max asked as he furrowed his brows.

"Actually, the most important thing.. It's not a surprise anymore." You replied "But that was his fault, not ours." you added jokingly. Max nodded in return, contemplating whether to ask you about what happened or not. But his curiosity got the best of him.

"How did he find out by the way? You never told me, you just texted me that he knows." Max asked carefully, yet with a hint of a chuckle to keep the conversation as lighthearted as possible.

You sighed in return "He.. got mad at me. Apparently he saw me get into your car after school, and he thought I was cheating on him." you rolled your eyes.

Max chuckled nervously "Oh.." he was so glad that Nate didn't approach him first, because he definitely wouldn't have listened to Max. Hell, he'd be glad if he'd even still be alive afterwards. "Yeah, I was so sure he didn't see me.." you frowned.

Max was also sure he couldn't have possibly seen you.

Because when your lessons ended, Nate still had one lesson left. So how was he able to see you get into his car when he was sitting in his classroom?

The only possible time when he could've seen you two together, was maybe at the mall in case he rushed there after school for some unknown reason. Or... when he drove you home..

Goosebumps broke out on his arms at the mere thought of him following you around. Sure, Nate was possessive, but that possessive? "Yeah, same..." He added as he played around with the balloon.

"But.. why did he think you're cheating on him?" Max started again. "Probably because I lied to him about going to Mia's place." You explained, "He basically had to force the truth out of me." you joked.

Max suddenly looked up from the balloon in his hand. "He forced it out of you?.. How?" He asked hesitantly, not sure if he wanted to know what horrible things he put you through in order to get you to speak.

This time you looked down at the balloon in your hand. You didn't want to think about it, you knew he was just scared and acted out on it. "Oh he just... kinda lost his temper.." You responded softly.

Max cursed himself for actually caring. He shouldn't be this close with you, even if he had no romantic intentions with you.

Nate made that very clear.

But he just couldn't help but feel incredibly bad for you. "He didn't hurt you.. right?" he chuckled drily, his eyes scanning your expression.

You quickly shook your head, chuckling as well "No, Nate wouldn't hurt me.. he just got angry and hit the wall.." you trailed off.

Sure, that's what happened, but you definitely left out a few things. The fact that he said a lot of condescending things, and pushed you against said wall, for example.

Max noticed that there was more to the story, simply by the way you were fidgeting with the balloon. But he decided not to press any further, since he didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. Plus, he could already tell that Nate probably berated you.

"Jesus, that sounds pretty rough.. I hope you're okay now." Max responded to which you nodded "Yeah, everything is fine now, don't worry." you reassured him.

Just as Max was about to say something, you were interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. You didn't pay attention to the time as you two decorated everything, so you didn't notice that it was that late already.

You looked at Max, as he stood up and went to open the door. You were praying that it was one of your classmates which you invited earlier this week. But once you heard multiple voices, which all didn't belong to any of your friends, you started to feel on edge.

Max came back into the living room with three other girls and two guys. You smiled at them as you greeted them. You noticed that the girls were part of the cheer team.

You haven't really talked to any of the girls from the cheer team before, but you were sure that Max was close to them. So the thought of just sitting there while they all chatted and laughed, made you feel extremely anxious.

But to your surprise, they were friendlier than you thought. Once they entered the room they greeted you, the girls even complimented your look, despite them looking just as good.

And as you chatted with them, the time seemed to go by so much faster. Until everyone arrived and it was finally time for Nate to arrive.

It wasn't a surprise party anymore, but you demanded Nate to only come once everyone arrived and you finished decorating.

You looked into the mirror in the hallway once more to check if you still looked as good as you did when you left the house.

You quickly grabbed your purse and refreshed your perfume before fixing your dress a little bit "Y/n, Nate just pulled up in the driveway!" Max whisper-yelled. "Coming!" you responded.

You asked Max if he could buy a cake for today and luckily he found one. He even refused to take your money when you wanted to pay for it.

You placed a few candles onto the cake, ready to welcome Nate with the cake in your hands. "Did you light the candles?" You asked as you quickly jogged into the living room. "I'm on it.." He said, as he and another guy from the football team lit the candles.

You heard the thud of Nate's car door, and looked back at the candles which were finally lit. Then you quickly took the cake into your hands while Max made his way to the door, opening it before Nate could ring the door.

Nate's eyes widened in surprise, as everyone said "Happy birthday!" in unison. But even despite the fact that there were about 40 people in front of him, his eyes landed on you, his beautiful, gorgeous girlfriend who smiled so lovingly at him.

And then his eyes were fixated on your dress.

And the way your current position allowed him to catch a glimpse of your chest "Make a wish!" you pushed him, as if the candles were waiting to be blown.

He chuckled, before closing his eyes and quickly thinking of a wish. Then he blew the candles out, and everyone cheered.

And still, he only spared them a quick glance and a smile before putting his focus back on you, and making sure to place a kiss onto your lips. This again caused some of the guys to roar once more.

"Thank you guys for coming, I really appreciate it," Nate finally spoke. "and thank you, for planning all of this with Max." he smiled down at you, as he cupped your cheeks. "Can we get a round of applause for my beautiful girlfriend?" Nate added, which caused you to shyly nudge him.

And as if on demand they started to applaud you.

It always fascinated you how much influence Nate seemed to have over almost everyone. No matter what it is, they'd literally do anything if he demands it. You couldn't help but wonder what caused everyone to just blindly follow him like that.

After a few minutes, the party finally got started. Hip-Hop music was blasting through the speakers, and some of the students already made their way to the kitchen, grabbing bottles of liquor and cups, ready to mix their drinks.

Some other students were simply sitting in the living room while chatting and laughing, some were outside smoking. And you were left with Nate who just smirked at you.

You chuckled once he stayed silent "Why are you looking at me like that?" Nate scoffed "Have you seen yourself? You look fucking amazing." he reasoned, as his hands made their way to your waist.

"Can't believe you chose that dress..." he added, as he paid attention to how the material felt under his hands.

"I'm glad you like it.." you smiled.

"Shit, I don't just like it, I love it." he confirmed.

"I wish I could take it off though.." he added as he looked down at your cleavage. You shyly glanced around, hoping no one saw or heard the two of you. "Can we go outside for a moment? I still need to give you your present." you smiled proudly.

Nate furrowed his brows. Did you really buy him something? After you must've spent so much for this party already. "What present? I thought this party was your present already." he chuckled.

You shook your head "Nope, I got you something." Nate blinked at you, seemingly at a loss of words. "Come on, I wanna give it to you!" you exclaimed as you grabbed his hand and pulled him outside.

Nate was still dumbfounded, trying to guess what you could've possibly bought him. "Close your eyes and extend your hand." You grinned. Nate scoffed before he complied.

You quickly pulled the small gift box out of your purse, before softly placing it in his hands "You can look now.." you whispered. Nate slowly opened his eyes and inspected the gift box, before looking back at you "Y/n, you really didn't have to do this. I'm sure the party was expensive enough.."

And he really meant it.

He knew that Max also paid for some of the stuff, but that didn't change the fact that he didn't want you to spend that much money on him. He was the man in the relationship, and he should pay for your things, not the other way around.

He already planned on paying you back, giving you princess treatment, taking and eating you out, the list was long.

"I know, but I don't care if I spend money on you for once. It's your birthday after all, and today should be your special day." You smiled, and he couldn't help but lean down and press a slow, loving kiss onto your lips.

You kissed him back softly, before Nate looked down at you and caressed your cheek "I don't deserve you.." he whispered softly as he frowned.

You shook your head in response "I don't deserve you, Nate." you responded, as your hand stroked Nate's. "You've done so much for me, it's only right I treat you good too for once."

Nate knew he was right. He didn't deserve you.

But he just had to be selfish and keep you all to himself. He was sure you two were meant for each other in a way, and he'd try his best to make you happy.

"Come on now, open the present!" you urged, excited to see his reaction. He chuckled in return before finally turning his attention back to the box in his hand. He lifted the top and looked at the bracelet inside.

Then he removed it from the box and inspected it further. "Do you like it..?" you asked nervously. When Nate didn't respond and just continued to inspect the bracelet, you added "I actually... engraved something into it."

Nate looked at the silver rectangle-shaped charm, which indeed had their initials engraved. Nate swallowed harshly as he just stared at it for a moment.

While his silence was a sign of adoration and appreciation, you took it as a negative sign, maybe he didn't like it, or it was too much that early into your relationsh- "Y/n..." he said softly.

You looked up at him "Y-yes?" Nate averted his gaze from the bracelet back to you "Fuck.. I don't even know what to say..."

Nate recently thought about buying promise rings for you two, but he didn't want you to think things were moving too fast, so he decided to wait.

But your present just showed him that you felt the same way about him. He couldn't help but feel proud as he looked at you "That's probably the best present I've ever received. Thank you so much.."

He opened the bracelet and tried to put it on, as fast as possible. When you noticed how he struggled however, you chuckled "Come on, let me help you.." Nate held his hand in front of you, and you instantly closed the bracelet. "I'm so glad you like it." you finally squealed in excitement.

Nate chuckled before wrapping his arms around your waist and leaning down to press kisses all over your face, and neck.

God, he needed to be inside you.

"I love you so much, princess," he whispered into your ear. "Can't wait 'til we're all alone later, so I can show you just how much I appreciate you," he rasped, which caused your eyes to widen in both excitement and shock.

"Is that a promise?" you asked shyly "Of course it is." He smirked in return. "Let's go back inside, and get something to drink, yeah?" You nodded in return, as you followed him back inside.

Nate made a beeline towards the kitchen, your hand in his as he pulled you through the crowded living room. "So... I assume you never really drank any alcohol before, right?" he asked as he opened Max's fridge.

You nodded slowly "I had like.. one glass of champagne at one of my dad's company parties.." you stated, hoping he wouldn't think you're too boring "Cute." he chuckled "But I'm gonna show you the real stuff now, I'm sure you'll like it."

Nate placed a cup in front of him before he grabbed a bottle of bacardi, and poured some of it into the cup. Then he placed the bottle back onto the cabinet and grabbed some pineapple and coconut juice, also pouring some of it into the cup.

He himself grabbed a bottle of vodka and poured it into his cup, not bothering to mix it with anything. Once he was done, he handed you your cup and smiled at you. You excitedly looked into the cup, and took a sip of it.

You furrowed your brows, since you expected it to taste a lot like alcohol, but for some reason you could only taste the juice. "Wow.. you're a pro at mixing drinks." You smiled "It barely tastes like alcohol, right?" he smirked, to which you nodded.

Nate took a sip of his cup as well, his facial expression barely changing as he drank the vodka. "Can I try yours?" Nate smiled in return "You can, but I'm not sure if you really want to." he held his cup invitingly towards you, before you grabbed it and took a small sip.

Your face almost immediately contorted as you shivered. Your stomach started to heat up, as you felt the hard liquor run down your throat. "Ugh.. How can you even drink that with a straight face?" you asked.

Nate couldn't help but laugh at how innocent you were as you looked up at him, completely confused. "You just get used to it when you attend a lot of parties." he reasoned.

You shook your head "I don't think I can attend enough parties to make this taste fine.." Nate chuckled, as you took a few large sips of your own cup, to make the taste go away.

Then you placed your cup down onto the counter "You want me to mix you something new, before we go back to the living room?" Nate asked, once he noticed your cup was almost empty.

You contemplated for a moment before finally nodding "Sure, as long as it's not just vodka.." you joked. Nate smiled before reaching for your cup.

While he was busy mixing you a new drink, you couldn't help but think about what he said earlier. You were anticipating whatever Nate would do to you later. No matter what you two did so far, it always felt good and he paid so much attention to your pleasure.

You noticed however, that he was holding back sometimes, maybe because he was scared to hurt you, or afraid you'd judge him. You weren't sure.

You were hoping that Nate would let go tonight, and fully trust you. But no matter what would happen, he promised to appreciate you tonight.

And you knew that Nate always kept his promises.

Nate and you made your way back to the crowd as the loud music blasted through the speakers. some students were dancing, some were chatting, and some were downright making out.

Nate walked over to the couch, before plopping down next to one of his teammates, who was clearly in another world judging by the look on his face.

Nate smirked, as he patted his lap invitingly. You shyly sat down, not putting your full weight on him until he pulled you closer towards him. The smell of weed filled your nose and you scrunched your nose in return.

"Yo.." he slurred, as he held what you assumed to be the source of the smell in his hand. "Is that your first one tonight?" Nate nodded towards the joint in his hand. The other guy shook his head "Nah, probably my third." He mumbled before taking a drag.

Then he held it towards Nate, offering him a hit as well. Nate hesitantly took the joint out of his hand before taking a drag.

He wasn't sure how you'd react to him smoking, maybe you'd think bad about him, or dislike it. But once he noticed you were just raising your eyebrows at him in surprise, he was sure you didn't.

"Didn't know you smoke." you said teasingly, which caused him to chuckle. "Yeah, I mean I don't do it regularly of course.." Nate defended himself before taking another drag, and passing it back to his friend.

"Why? Do you mind?" he asked nonchalantly, wanting to make sure you really didn't mind. You shook your head "No, as you said, you don't do it everyday." you replied.

To be honest, you were curious about what it felt like to be high, but you were way too nervous to try it. Everyone perceived it as something dangerous, and your parents warned you, telling you it’s a dangerous drug.

It was already exciting enough to drink properly for the first time, and so far you didn't really feel much. You just hoped nothing bad or embarrassing would happen to you.

Nate paid close attention to your cup, encouraging you to take a sip from time to time. And whenever it was empty he'd ask if you wanted a refill.

After your third refill you started to notice the effect of the alcohol. You were currently sitting next to Nate, since his friend decided to get up at some point.

Nate observed you well enough to notice that you were starting to get tipsy. He was surprised it didn't happen earlier since you were so new to drinking.

But it didn’t bother him, he knew there was enough alcohol left to get you absolutely drunk. "Everything alright?" he asked, placing his hand on your thigh to get your attention.

You slowly looked over at Nate and nodded with a content smile "Yeah.. what about you?" you asked, visibly tipsy. Nate chuckled "Yeah me too. Is your cup empty? You haven't tried malibu one yet." He added.

You chuckled in return "Malibu.. sounds fun, I'm in." you quickly emptied your cup, and hummed afterwards. Then you held your cup towards Nate, your moves uncoordinated.

"Don't you wanna come along?" he asked as he got up. You pouted and shook your head "I like the couch, it's comfy." you mumbled before leaning your head back onto the headrest.

Nate actually would've preferred it if you would've come along with him. He didn't want to leave you on your own in your current state.

He didn't trust the other tipsy or drunk guys around you, who knows what kind of ideas they might get. He sighed "Alright, I'll be right back. Stay here okay?" he said sternly, but the tone didn't reach you "Yeah sure.." you smiled, as you closed your eyes.

As Nate rushed into the kitchen, you lost yourself in the music which was blaring through the speakers, as the bass vibrated through your body. And before you knew it, Nate already returned with your cup in his hand.

"Wow, you were so quick." you exclaimed as you tried to sit up straight again "Yeah, didn't want to leave you alone here." he explained, trying to sound neutral.

Your eyes followed his every move as he sat down next to you again. Your gaze completely fixated on your boyfriend. You still weren't over the fact that you got so lucky to be dating him.

You couldn't help but stare at him as the dim party lights illuminated his face. He looked so pretty while he took a sip from his cup, before licking his lips. Everything about him was mesmerizing.

Your eyes trailed down from his face to his shoulder, then to his muscular arm which held the cup in his hand. You wanted nothing more than for Nate to manhandle you. You blamed it on the alcohol, as if you didn't also have these thoughts when you were absolutely sober.

"You still there, Princess?" Nate asked, as a smirk threatened to make its way to his lips. Nate felt your gaze burn into his side, and when he looked at you he instantly knew what kind of look that was.

"Mhm, why?" you asked before taking a sip from your cup. "Mhh, is this the malibu drink you were talking about?" Nate smiled as he nodded "You like it?" you took another large sip before answering "Yeah, this might be the best drink I've had tonight." you said.

Nate chuckled before leaning back against the sofa. When you remained quiet for some time, Nate glanced over at you, noticing that you were still staring at him "What's wrong, hm?" he asked as he turned towards you.

You giggled in return before averting your gaze back to the cup in your hand. "Nothing 's just.." Nate waited patiently for you to continue "You just.. you're really hot.. you know?" you finally responded.

Nate chuckled in response, "That so?" he asked before leaning in closer "What's so hot about me, hm?" You swallowed, because even that was hot.

"Where do I even start," your speech seemed to have become more slurred by now "you're so, so tall, your voice makes me feel things I didn't know I could feel."

Nate raised an eyebrow at your bold confession, not used to you being so open about your thoughts with him, but also loving every second of it. Then your free hand moved towards his arm, slightly squeezing at his biceps "And your arms.. hmm.. so strong." you giggled.

The way you talked to him made him want to ditch his own birthday party, and take you home to have you in every way possible. Nate leaned in even closer "My arms huh?” he teased, slightly flexing the muscle below your hand. “What else, Princess?” He asked, his tone almost teasing as he was genuinely curious.

You smiled, your heavy lidded eyes glued to his face. “Everything about you is hot.” you confessed, the alcohol clearly loosening you up. “Your jawline,” you breathed “your eyes– the way you look at me sometimes.”

You felt a shiver run down your spine once you noticed, that Nate was giving you the exact look you just mentioned. “The way I look at you.. How exactly do I look at you?” he asked, “I don’t know how to explain it, it’s like… you only have eyes for me,” Nate hummed in response.

“like you own me.” you pointed out, too amazed to stop the words from slipping out. Nate raised his eyebrows ever so slightly, pleasantly surprised by your words. “Like I own you, huh?” he murmured, his voice low enough to make your stomach flip.

He leaned in, his lips nearly brushing the shell of your ear “Maybe that’s because I do.” he whispered, his hand slowly moving to rest on your thigh, and his grip firm enough to make you gasp.

You felt a wave of heat wash through your body. The alcohol in your system seemed to make things even more intense than they were already, everything around you felt blurry, but his touch and his words were crystal clear.

He pulled back slightly, just enough to meet your gaze “Do you like that? Knowing you’re mine?” he asked, as his thumb stroked over your exposed thigh. As if on autopilot you felt yourself nodding.

“Yeah?” he pressed, loving the way he clearly affected you. Before you could answer his hand slid further up your leg “Good,” he said, his voice low and commanding.

“Because you’ll always be mine.”

✎Holy shit this took way too long, but here it is. I’m currently working on the next part and hope that I can finally add hyperlinks again since it hasn’t been working for a week now. As always I hope you guys enjoyed it, and I’d like to thank you all for reading and supporting me throughout this truly awful time.♡

- Cassandra

Taglist:

@lilyrachelcassidy, @endless----love, @sophsss867, @jennnsthings, @digitalpup444, @vividfleur, @tsofo26, @lunalvrsblog, @sunshinedaisy21 @cc13723things

[clubdionysus]

[BAD DECISION #1] Purple Starfuckers

warnings: alcohol, clubbing

soundtrack: bad decisions - bts, passionfruit - drake, promiscuous - nelly furtado & timbaland

wc: 3.5k

bd total wc: 540k (on-going)

minors dni | AO3 | series masterlist 

"Don't think of it as a bad decision. Think of it as a lesson learned. Something to remember for next time."

The way Hoseok looks at you is borderline comical - face all scrunched up, mouth hanging ajar. He's scowling, but it isn't new. He's had a face like a slapped arse all evening. Kinda goes with the territory of a fresh break-up, mind you.

"You don't seriously believe that?" He scoffs, before swallowing his words down with the rum and coke that he's been nursing for the past fifteen minutes. It tastes like shit, and is far too strong - but he's the one who asked for a triple. No one else to blame

The bartender had raised his pierced brow, told Hoseok that he's "not allowed to do that" - but had offered to make him a double and pour a separate shot, instead. "What you do with that shot is up to you," the bartender had shrugged - and so Hoseok had poured it straight on in. 

You finish your own drink with a roll of your eyes and shake of your head. "What I believe is that she wasn't 'the one', Hobes. Was a lucky escape, if you ask me. She was fucking vile to me and Danbi."

"You guys just didn't get to know her proper-"

"Hobi, she wore white to Jungmi's wedding," Danbi interrupted. Truthfully, she could not have cared less for how badly Hoseok's ex had treated her - it was when she started behaving badly around other people, embarrassing them in the process, that she started to take offence. If there was one thing Danbi had, it was pride. "WHITE! Who does that?! Poor Jungmi. She's a better woman than me. I'd have fought that bitch on the spot, right in the aisle. Don't care if it's my wedding day, when bitches deserve a slap-"

"Dan," you laugh but try and get her to quiet down, knowing that Hoseok is still reeling from the break-up. As true as her words are, he doesn't need to hear them right now. Turning to Hoseok, you stroke up his shoulder tenderly, with a soft smile on your glossy lips. 

You didn't cover yourself head to toe in glitter just to sit in the smoking area of a shitty club all night. There's fun to be had.

"Look, Hobes, it sucks that things ended the way they did -" a screaming match over the price of asparagus in the middle of a supermarket, that was totally an argument about something more than that, but Hoseok is still in denial - "but not everything we lose is a loss. Okay? You've still got us."

Which is admittedly more than he deserves after how much of a shitbag he'd turned into during the relationship. He'd go days, weeks - hell - sometimes months, without getting back to you. You and Dan had been fine - you had each other after all - but it still sucked not having your third musketeer with you. 

"Now c'mon," you smile. "Get that drink down you, and get that pretty ass of yours on the floor. We both know you're dying for a good dance."

"I don't feel like it," he groans - but he downs his drink regardless, and is dancing to a noughties classic within five minutes. 

You think it's Nelly Furtado - it is - but you're so drunk that you can't really place it. It's the kind of song that everyone knows; the kind of song that gets everyone's hips moving just right. Bodies are hot and sweaty, the clammy dancefloor a pit of sin. To you, though, it feels like heaven at that moment. This is all you've wanted for months. You're holding Danbi's hands, Hoseok between the pair of you, unable to escape and not really wanting to, either. He's smiling, and it's the best thing you've seen all night. 

The lights of the club beam down on you, pinks and blues reflecting the satin dress you're wearing. It's short, barely covering your ass, and silver. Picked out especially for a night like this; when attention is welcome, but not necessarily encouraged. You think you look like a trophy. Maybe someone will be lucky enough to win you. Maybe not.

From the bar, Jeon Jeongguk thinks you look like a little disco ball. 

He's wiping a tumbler dry, fresh from the glass washer, making most of the lull in customers coming to the bar. There are only three of them behind it, and it always makes Friday shifts feel that little bit more hectic. 

Dionysus, a club just on the outskirts of the party district, is always busier on a Saturday, so he prefers Friday shifts. A relatively small club, it has only a single dancefloor and a bar area with a few seats. The back entrance leads to the smoking area, which is where he'd first noticed you coming from with your friends. There's nowhere to hide, really, in a club like this. If you're in Dionysus, everyone knows about it. 

Especially the bartenders. 

"What do we reckon," Yeonjun, the youngest of the crew, smirks at Jeongguk as he nods towards you and your friends. "They all going home together, or what?"

A little air squeaks through Jeongguk's lips as he purses them, trying to get a read on your little trio. The way you're moving your hips towards the dude in the middle certainly seems a little more than friendly. At least, if a girl he'd never met before was dancing with him like that, he'd take it as a good sign he was getting laid. 

What makes it interesting is the fact that there are two of you. You in silver, another girl in black. Both pretty. Both incredibly different, but both captivating nonetheless. Like a pair of shooting stars, he thinks, cracking through the crowd at a vibrancy that could blind. Is a little confused as to how the fuck you aren't being pestered by other guys - doesn't complain though. Makes for a clear line of vision.

It's nights like these which make Jeongguk wish he worked a normal job. He misses out on all the fun always being behind the bar, he thinks. Does also save him from making some bad decisions that he knows would surely haunt him. If anything, he should be thankful.

"Fuck knows," he simply says, closing the glasswasher and whipping the towel over his shoulder. "10,000 won says he's going home alone."

Yeonjun smirks. "You're on."

It's less of a bet for Jeongguk. More of a manifestation. He likes watching you dance. Doesn't like the thought of you dancing with the dude by yourself. Doesn't like the idea of you leaving with him, either. Considers the fact that maybe you're not even interested in dudes, and that it's the girl you're holding hands with who you'll be leaving with instead. He's less intimidated by that - at least your disinterest in him would be preference based - but it's still not his favourite scenario.

It's not like he knows you, nor will he ever know you. He just likes to live in the what-ifs. They're always so much safer. Can't get rejected if you don't put yourself out there.

And so he carries on with work just like he should, serving the next punters who stumble to the bar. He pours them a water with their order, because lord knows they need it, and laughs when someone tries to pay for it thinking it's a vodka lemonade. 

"On the house," he shrugs, letting their drunk minds believe it really is a vodka lemonade. Easier that way. Will get them drinking water, at least, even if just for a sip or so before they clock on.

You're laughing, a little out of breath and not entirely steady on your feet, as you head to the bar. 

He'd been so busy with the last customers that he didn't even notice until he saw you using the bar to help steady yourself. You aren't looking in his direction, but up at the row of spirits behind him, trying to sus out what you fancy. 

Your hair is dark, up in a ponytail with grown-out bangs framing your face. The makeup you've been wearing has faded, melted off from the heat of the club, but the glitter remains. You really do look like a disco ball, he thinks. It makes him smile.

"Hey, sorry," you beam towards him, eyes just as sparkling at the glitter dusted on your collarbones. He raises his brows, expression open, receptive, as he moves closer to the bar. "What's something that can get me fucked up but also tastes delicious?" 

Oh, how he loves a challenge. He licks his lips and tilts his head to the side. "What do you qualify as delicious?"

"No passionfruit," you say almost instantly. "So no pornstars." And then you gag a little, to emphasise just how much you hate passionfruit.

"No pornstars, noted," Jeongguk says as he pulls an imaginary pencil from behind his ear and pretends to jot it down on his palm. He looks back up at you, and doesn't bother fighting the way his teeth bite down on his bottom lip - why would he? You're giggling. He likes it. And he also knows you're probably drunk, so won't remember this interaction in the morning. 

"Well, I mean, none of the drinking variety," you grin, tongue in cheek. "If you happen to know any of the human variety, send them my way."

He almost chokes on his own spit. The shock in his eyes has you laughing again.

"I'm joking, you idiot."

Although you kind of totally aren't. You haven't been laid in a while. You'll take anything with a pulse who is interested at this point. 

"I knew that," he bluffs, and looks back down at his palm as if he's reading again. "Okay, so no pornstars - pornstar martinis. What else?"

"Don't like orange juice."

"Do you like anything?"

You like lots of things. So many things that your brain can't think straight, actually.

You like the way a tattoo is peaking out of his shirt sleeve. You like dancing with your friends. Being drunk. His smile. The way he's joking with you. The knowledge that Hoseok is probably doing the robot as you speak. Sunsets. The chain around the neck of the man in front of you. Those cute tiny straws he puts in some of the cocktails. Him.  

But you narrow your eyes, and ignore your brain. "Alcohol." 

He narrows his eyes right back. Purses his lips. Looks down at his fake notepad, then back up at you. "I think I have just the thing for you."

Reaching for the plastic cups which you know are reserved for water, you almost look offended. Does he not think you have eyes? Are too drunk to know he's giving you water?

He places it in front of you and smiles, lips together, eyes round - but still challenging you.

"It's water," you tell him, and he nods. No denial.

"Uh-huh. Cleanse your palette first."

"Are we fine dining?"

"We aren't doing anything," he assures you. He's on the clock. "But everything tastes like shit after a smoke, so if you wanna enjoy it, have some water."

Your brows furrow together, head tilting and then you're self-conscious. "Do I smell like smoke?"

You'd doused yourself in perfume and had been chewing on gum to hide it, but apparently not well enough.

Jeongguk shakes his head, realising how much wider your eyes are. You don't seem as confident. You're not smiling anymore. 

"No, no," he says quickly and nods toward your clutch, which is propped open on the side of the bar. A packet of cigarettes are sticking out slightly, a lighter tucked into the side. "I just guessed - sorry. I didn't mean to- I mean, no. You don't. Not at all."

You follow his gaze, and find yourself smiling. Small misunderstanding. That's all. But he seems just as panicked as you had been. It's sweet. 

"Fine," you elongate your response and let your eyes narrow again, to let him know you're ready to banter again. "I'll drink it - but whatever you're making better be good."

"If you hate it, it's on the house," he says, knowing that you won't hate it. He sets about making your drink as you sip on the water, not really watching him because you're trying to focus on not falling over. Water actually seems like a great idea. You're thankful for it. 

When Jeongguk returns to your spot by the bar, he can't stop blinking. The glass of water - an entire pint - is finished. You're smiling, lips a little wet, eyes a little hazy.

"Thirsty," you shrug. 

He checks your jaw to make sure it's not grinding, but it's perfectly still. Not a gram of MD - the drug of choice in Dionysus circles - in your system. You just really are thirsty - had been dancing all bloody night. He knows this, but he's naive to how hot it is down there. Hasn't actually been on the dancefloor himself in a while. Always working.

He accepts your defence, and holds up the shot in front of you. It's tiny, and pretty, all purple and shimmery. 

Jeongguk smiles. "Purple Starfucker."

The water you've just finished almost comes back up through your system. "Sorry?!"

"Purple Starfucker," Jeongguk simply repeats. "Amaretto, peach schnapps, a little curacao and cranberry juice. Fucking delicious."

You do love all of those. It's the ideal drink for you. You've never had it before, but you know it's gonna be good. He places it down in front of you, but that challenging look is still in your eye. 

He laughs a little. Can't figure you out. Has no idea what you're thinking. "What are you waiting for?"

"Nothing," you grin, picking the shot glass up by the rim, raising it with a nod. "To Purple Starfuckers."

Jeongguk nods back. Toys with his lip piercing, the tip of his tongue peeking out ever so slightly before he bites down on his lip. "To Purple Starfuckers."

From his peripherals, Jeongguk can see Yeonjun leaning against the countertop at the back of the bar, watching him with a curious smirk.

Un-fucking-believable, Yeonjun thinks. Reckons Jeongguk is trying to fuck with the bet. Trying to lure Disco Ball away. He doesn't hear the conversation, but he can read your lips - 'Holy shit? That's fucking delicious? How much do I owe you?' - and watches the way Jeongguk shakes his head. Hands too. Shrugs. Bloody git is giving it to you on the house. 

10,000 won ain't that much, but Yeonjun doesn't like losing. "Oi, Disco Ball. Get your friends"- he nods towards Hoseok and Danbi. -"We'll make you a round."

He ignores the way Jeongguk's eyes burn into him, knowing that his shit-eating grin is enough to wind Jeongguk up. They love each other really, but in a way you'd love a sibling. Fully capable of hating one another, too. 

You glance up to Jeongguk, almost as if you're asking his permission. You kind of are. You trust him. He's been kind. This other bartender? He's a bit louder. Far brasher. And he'd called you Disco Ball? The fuck?

Jeongguk nods. Doesn't want you to leave, but equally knows the only reason you're looking at him like that - eyes all wide and innocent - is 'cause you're drunk. Doubts it would be the same if you were sober. When he comes to think of it, he'd rather you were with your friends. Safer that way. "Hurry. Before we get really busy."

And so you scurry off, running on the balls of your feet to avoid awkward heel mishaps. There's something endearing about it and it's almost enough to distract him from Yeonjun's taunts. 

"If he doesn't take her home, I will."

"She's fucked," Jeongguk tells him, voice stern, eyes still on you. Fucking around with punters isn't against the rules, but taking advantage of drunk girls? Yeah, not on his watch. Doesn't matter who it is. He's seen enough creeps and enough girls in tears because of them to know when to step in. "You're going nowhere near her."

"I clock off in an hour," Yeonjun reminds him. Jeongguk the one who's closing the bar tonight. "Plenty of time to play catch up."

Yeonjun - brilliant, blue-haired, and with enough boyish charm to seduce almost anyone - isn't a creep. He looks up to Jeongguk. Respects him. Follows his lead. Would never take advantage of a punter. He just likes winding Jeongguk up a little too much. 

Jeongguk ignores him. Doesn't put it past him. While Yeonjun likes to think he has values, Jeongguk knows he's just as horny and desperate as the rest of the fuckers in the bar. 

That's not to say Jeongguk is discounting himself from the generalisation - he just actually does have morals. To some degree, at least.

You're on the dancefloor for no more than thirty seconds, dragging Hoseok and Danbi with you to the bar. They complain and moan - "but I love that song!" - though as soon as they're faced with a tray of shots, their moods shoot up. You go to pay Jeongguk, but he shakes his head.

"On the house."

"You're trying to get me drunk," you accuse with a knowing smile.

"You're already drunk," he smiles right back. It's not his goal. It's a fairly quiet night. If anything, this is entertainment. Not like there's much better for him to be doing. Not until his friends drop by later, at least. "I'm just a nice barman."

Part of you wants to protest. He's covered in tattoos - his hands, the ones peaking from his shirt at the wrist and the neck - and has more piercing in his ears than you do. There's a stud in his brow, and a ring on his lip. It's his eyes though, that you think scream danger the most. They're deep and they're dark, and you know better than to trust them.

And yet when he smiles like that, your tummy feels all fuzzy in the same way that your head does.

"Well thank you Mr Nice Barman," you nod and curtsey, because that somehow feels appropriate. 

"Jeongguk," he corrects, before knocking his head to the side and nodding towards the dancefloor. "Go enjoy your night, trouble."

Not too much, though, he thinks to himself, but watches as you bounce back to the dancefloor with your friends. 

The drinks were a small gesture, but one that he knows will have made a difference to their night. No skin off his back. He likes doing things like this. You're not the first, likely won't be the last - but he spends a lot longer than usual quietly observing you as you get on with your night. Doesn't notice the smile on his face.

Yeonjun does, though. Chooses not to say anything. Knows when to pick his battles.

Does warn him when he sees Jeongguk's friends bundle in through the door, though. "Watch out boss. Same as usual?"

Jeongguk nods, and Yeonjun sets about making a round of drinks for the usual suspects. Three malibu and cokes, one rum and lemonade and four purple starfuckers. Jeongguk'll make those. They're his signature. 

"Look what the cat dragged in," he grins towards his friends, all a little worse for wear. Bleary-eyed, they're smiling and joking, having come from dinner - which turned into drinks, and then more drinks and then - fuck it - clubs. Dionysus is always the final stop. They like the atmosphere; like the free drinks even more.

"You know us," Park Jimin grins at him in the sleazy way he so often does, which lets Jeongguk knows he's up to no good. "Where the pussy goes, we surely follow."

"Speak for yourself," Namjoon snorts beside him, a little more sober than the others. Taehyung and Yoongi are engaged in their own conversation - something about the Samsung Lions and baseball strategy that Jeongguk doesn't care much for. "Quiet night?"

"Fairly," Jeongguk nods - which can only mean one thing. Same thing it means every week. 

He'd always thought that by the time they hit their mid-twenties, they'd be over this lifestyle by now - but his friends like to make just as many bad decisions as he does.

"Round up boys," Jimin cheers, his voice booming above the bass of whatever noughties classic is on. "Purple Starkfucker time!"

Jeongguk laughs. Shakes his head, rolls his eyes. Unfolds his defensive arms. Glances up to the crowd - but you're lost to the night. Maybe not forever, but for now, at least. 

And so he just nods, and cheers along with them.

"Purple Starfucker time."

AO3 | MASTERLIST | NEXT

[leathfaic]

I've been sitting on a headcanon for over a year now because I know that once I put it out I will want to expand on it.

But fuck it what is one more writing project?

I want Ghost to be fucking paranoid about Laswell finding out about him and Johnny. Not even because she would necessarily tear them apart but because she would absolutely use it. To her advantage and thus potentially against them.

Send them out on a dangerous undercover op for months under the guise of having left so they could be together. Infiltrating some dubious PMC perhaps that doesn't quite care, they're getting the Ghost and his Sergeant after all, if they just look the other way. What a fucking deal and how dumb the government is to let those 2 become mercenaries just because they like to fuck each other. One wrong step one wrong word and they might both end up dead.

But far more than physical harm just the threat of keeping them apart if they don't comply. Days that easily spin into weeks and months that they just keep missing each other, mission beginning before the other gets back from his current one. Until Laswell pointedly asking if they are going to behave this time is "graciously" giving them another chance to work together.

Because really, there's nothing they can do, right? They could be dishonourably discharged for fraternisation and instead Laswell is "only" using it to twist their arms.

Price, even if he knows can't really help them either because again, any kind of ruckus about this and it could end so much worse.

Soap probably has a little more faith in Laswells morals, although I'm sure the more they work together the more that quickly fades and he understands Ghost's caution. That woman got to where she is in life for a reason.

So they are still close with each other when she's around. Would be weird if they stopped all of a sudden, bound to draw her attention too. But always minding a careful line. Keeping it to the "brothers in arms". Never giving away too much. And sometimes that stings even more. When Ghost sees Johnny's need for physical contact and can't do more than give him a manly pat on the shoulder. Torn apart by the need to hold him.

When Soap notices that Ghost isn't sleeping on an op, knowing he should be there and talk him through the night until the bad dreams fade and Ghost gets at least a few hours of shut-eye. Nothing he can offer but empty phrases and a dumb comment about Ghost clearly needing to get laid.

They both know of course. What they really mean. It's still grating.

Better than it could be if she knew though. Worth to keep what they have safe.

[eldritch-nightmare]

do they have deal breakers?

a/n: idk i just thought this would be an interesting thing to write.

synopsis: what are some deal breakers for them? what can they not tolerate?

includes: slenderman, jeff the killer, eyeless jack, laughing jack, jane the killer, nina the killer, the bloody painter, candy pop, the doll maker, jason the toymaker, dr smiley, nurse ann, the puppeteer, clockwork, zalgo, hobo heart, ticci toby, zero, kagekao, nathan the nobody, homicidal liu + sully, tim wright, brian thomas, jay merrick, jessica locke, and alex kralie.

SLENDERMAN doesn't have a lot of deal breakers, to be quite honest. it doesn't have any preferences when it comes to romance. i suppose if it had to pick something, it would say that it would rather avoid dating people with a disdain towards nature. it literally lives in nature, so... it would also probably avoid people who have children in their life, be it a parent or a teacher.

JEFF THE KILLER has a two off the top of his head. firstly, he will never date a Fangirl capital 'F'. if he even gets the slightest inkling that someone might be a fan of his, it's an immediate no and that person very well may lose their life. and secondly, he refuses to date anyone who hates his brother. yeah, he and liu don't get along and liu wants him dead but in his mind, liu is still the most important person in jeff's life. people who commit arson are on thin fucking ice.

EYELESS JACK is fairly lax when it comes to 'deal breakers'. he doesn't have anything he dislikes, and there isn't any type of behavior that he necessarily avoids either. people who aren't fond of cannibalism would be difficult to date, he supposes. he doesn't really like people who may try keeping his as a pet either. and... maybe people who are in cults...

LAUGHING JACK is one sick and twisted bastard so deal breakers are very unlikely. realistically, his partner being around kids should probably be a deal breaker but that's... literally the only way to meet him. he's incredibly complex so he really won't know his own deal breakers until he's like... in the situation, y'know?

JANE THE KILLER has one immediate deal breaker. if you like jeff the killer, she immediately feels immense disdain toward you and she will never even acknowledge your existence, not unless she's forced to. jane richardson is also lesbian, so men are an immediate no.

NINA THE KILLER has one immediate deal breaker as well. if you dislike jeff the killer, she will not get along with you. she and jeff have a love-hate relationship but at the end of the day, he's still her idol and she looks up to him a lot, so.

THE BLOODY PAINTER barely interacts with people to really know if he has any deal breakers. perhaps people who dislike art? though, he can't really fault someone for not seeing the beauty held within the multitudes of art all around the world.

CANDY POP isn't the biggest fan of people he deems to be annoying or boring. now, i know what you're thinking, candy pop literally finds joy in annoying people, so wouldn't he be delighted to have a partner who behaves the same way? absolutely not. he likes to be the one terrorizing people; he does not want to be terrorized.

THE DOLL MAKER is immediately hesitant around older men, so if you are a guy and you're older than him then just know he'll avoid you like the plague. also, due to his pyrophobia, arsonists and people fascinated by fire get an immediate no from him. anyone who may poke fun at the dolls he creates aren't welcome either, and he'll probably end up turning them into a doll.

JASON THE TOYMAKER has one goal only and it is to find 'the one for him' so like... not many deal breakers here. just fall in love with him and never ever reject him and everything will be good! you'll be turned into a wax doll, otherwise, and that's a terrible fate to suffer.

DR SMILEY also rarely interacts with people, though he's not the biggest fan of people who so desperately cling to life and believe that death is something to be afraid of.

NURSE ANN just doesn't like people in general and only has like... three people she enjoys being around so the likelihood of her growing to like someone is small. that being said, something that immediately makes her dislike a person is when they mock her for not speaking often.

THE PUPPETEER has major disdain for people he cannot control. unless he's already grown attached to (ex. emra) or reliant on them (ex. zachary), then disobedience is not something he can tolerate. he's also not the biggest fan of super-duper cheerful people, though that's only because it makes killing them harder.

CLOCKWORK by default cannot stand anyone who reminds her of her past. she wants nothing more than to forget the pain and hell she went through, so to find a person who reminds her of all that trauma? yeah, no, they gotta go.

ZALGO literally hates everything and everyone but on the very slight chance that someone manages to worm their way into the essence of his being, then so long as they don't mind humanity's downfall then they're fine. bonus points if they're good with kids because holy shit he doesn't know how to be a dad. and if they dislike kids then like... that's fine, i guess, but he'll be a bit bitter.

HOBO HEART is fairly hesitant when it comes to love. the one time he fell in love, she threw his heart away. he's hesitant to fall in love again, but he could never fall for anyone who would so willingly leave him behind. he's not the biggest fan of liars either. simply put, he could never love someone who doesn't value their own heart.

TICCI TOBY already keeps people at a distance, but it's an immediate deal breaker when someone starts making fun of him. if someone makes a bad comment about lyra or his mother, then that's also an immediate no. anyone who heavily drinks alcohol is a no. anyone who 'teases' him about his tourette's is a no. anyone who doesn't take his CIPA seriously is a no.

ZERO could never be in a relationship with someone with the mindset of 'i can fix her' because she doesn't need to be fixed. honestly, you should consider yourself lucky that she's somehow managed to grow an attachment to you considering her disregard for everyone around her. do something to make her hate you and you'll regret it.

KAGEKAO is gay, first and foremost, so if you're a woman then it just won't work out. he's fluent in english as well so you don't necessarily have to know japanese, though he'd love for you to learn. people who make comments about his wine habits or tell him to cut back on drinking wine will be disposed of immediately. he also isn't fond of boring people.

NATHAN THE NOBODY tends to believe that most people are in the organization that took away his sister, so by default, it's an immediate no if he comes to believe that someone is in the organization. he can't come to terms with his sister's death, so he'll get rid of anyone who tries to make him see that she's dead.

HOMICIDAL LIU hardly ever gives romance any thought because he's so caught up in his goal of trying to kill jeff that it rarely ever crosses his mind, so deal breakers aren't something he's given much thought. people who aren't fond of arson probably won't like liu, so they're a no. anyone who thinks he should forgive jeff is an immediate no. anyone who is a fangirl of jeff or idolizes him the way nina does is also an immediate no. people who aren't fond of smoking most certainly won't like him so they're also a no. anyone who sees no harm in mocking and bullying other people is a no.

SULLY has deal breakers relatively similar to liu. if you're a jeff groupie then he honestly wants nothing to do with you. if you are a threat to liu in any way shape or form, then he's already planning a way to dispose of you. other than that, he's pretty laid back with this sort of stuff.

TIM WRIGHT has a habit of smoking so people who can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke should probably avoid him. he isn't close to a lot of people so when someone betrays his trust, it really hits him hard so people with a habit of lying are an immediate no.

BRIAN THOMAS is a bros before hoes sorta guy in the sense that if his partner doesn't like his friends then suddenly he doesn't have a partner anymore. he can't date someone who dislikes the people he's closest to, it just doesn't work that way. especially if they dislike tim, like... that's his best friend there, dude.

JAY MERRICK is a gay man so if you are a woman, then... yeah. it won't work. you stand no chance with jay if you don't believe him when he tells you that something is seriously wrong. he doesn't like people who avoid telling him about an issue because it stresses him out a lot so he would rather prefer people who can openly tell him if something is wrong.

JESSICA LOCKE is lesbian, so men simply just do not have a chance with her. she doesn't really have many deal breakers though, to be honest. at least none that come to the top of her head. she'd probably have to experience something to decide whether or not that's a deal breaker for her, y'know?

ALEX KRALIE is like... deeply unhinged in every way possible and will try killing his partner no matter what, so. let's just use the alex before all the operator stuff happened! he can't be with anyone who doesn't support him or his passion project, marble hornets. and in the midst of marble hornets, he will try to kill his partner. there's no avoiding that. he, himself, is a deal breaker, gotta be honest here.

[grey342]

The babysitter

Singledad!Phil x Babysitter!reader

synopsis - There's been an underlying tension between yourself and Phil for a while and he finally decides to do something about it...

warnings - MDNI 18+, Age gap (Phil is in his early thirties and reader in her early twenties), unprotected sex, kinda nipple play, breeding kink and hints of cockwarming.

authors note - ummm hey 😅 I know it’s been SOOO long but I hope you didn’t forget about me! Exam season is rough atm however it is slowly coming to an end (thank god) so I should be back to regular scheduled updates - I’m thinking once every two weeks? Let me know how you guys have been and give me some feedback, I’ve missed you all so much and I can’t wait to write for daddy Phil again 💗

please do not steal my work - belongs to @grey342

"Wanna make one?"

The baby finally settles. Well you say baby, he's nearly three but he'll always be a baby to you. You started babysitting Finley Wenneck when he was 18 months old and it's the best job you've ever had. The pay is great, Fin's very well behaved and his dad is sexy as fuck.

There was no denying Phil Wenneck was a very attractive man, the moment you met him you were immediately entranced by his good looks. However, your relationship was strictly professional.

Although, there were a few moments where you could've sworn it was more than that. Like last week: Phil came home a little earlier than you were expecting, you were stood in the kitchen making a snack when he came up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist.

This necessarily out of blue, Phil and you often hugged each other but, this time it felt more intimate in a way. His head rested in your neck and you could've sworn you felt him press a soft peck there. He didn't say anything though, he just got a beer out of the fridge and walked into the living room and that was it.

You look down at Finley's sleeping face and can't help but smile.

"That's how they get you," You jump and yelp quietly, turning quickly you see Phil leaning against the door frame. "look so cute when they're asleep and as soon as their eyes open you're reminded of just how much of a little shit they can be." You let out a sigh of relief and chuckle slightly.

"I disagree, your son is an angel."

"Yeah," he chuckles and walks up behind you, "that's what he wants you to believe."

"Maybe he just doesn't like you." You smirk up at him.

"Hmm, maybe." He hums, looking down at your lips. Feeling flustered you turn back to the sleeping baby.

"He's so adorable."

"Yeah?" Phil leans in close to your ear, "Wanna make one?"

You freeze and slowly turn to look at him, his face shows no sign of teasing. Oh shit he's serious. He begins to ramble;

"I'm serious, I know I don't say it often enough but you're so good to him. Well not only him but me too-"

"Phil-"

"Y'know he's started calling you mom, I know I should stop and tell him no but I can't because it feels right-"

"Phil-"

"I know, I know, I don't wanna scare you off but.. this fits and it feels SO right an-" You shut him up by pressing your lips against his. He wastes no time and wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you into him. Deepening the kiss, you throw your arms around his neck.

A little snore interrupts the steamy kiss and you quickly remember the sound asleep baby merely a metre away and reluctantly untangle yourself from him.

"Bedroom." Is all you need to say. He lifts you, you wrap your legs around his middle as the two of you stumble across the hall and into his room.

He throws you down on his bed and kicks the door shut with his foot. He takes in the sight of you sprawled across his sheets. He begins to unbutton his shirt and says only one word;

"Strip." And strip you do, right down to your underwear as Phil does the same.

"Holy fuck," he crawls on top of you, "you're so fucking sexy baby." He starts to kiss your neck and make his way down to your chest. Reaching around your back, he unclasp your bra.

"Shit." He says involuntarily and cups your tits. He starts groping then and leans down to take your left nipple into his mouth.

"Fuck," you moan, "Phil please honey."

"Talk to me, tell me what you want." He switches over to the right.

"You, all of you."

He groans pulling down his underwear and leans over to his bedside draw where you grab his arm.

"No condom, please." You plead with him.

"Fuck, you're gonna be the death of me." He pulls you back in for a searing kiss, he slides your underwear over and fully pushes into you. You moan in unison, he breaks away from the kiss.

"Shit, you okay?" You smile and cup his cheek.

"Yeah, never better." He chuckles and slowly starts to glide in and out of you. The only sounds that can be heard are your moans mixed with the sounds of slapping skin.

You reach around to rake your nails down his back, he hisses with pleasure.

"Gonna fill you up," he grunts, "give you my kids you want that huh? Want me to make you a mama?" He speaks through gritted teeth now, his pace quickens.

"Yes, fuck! Please, Phil!" You moan. His hand reaches down to slowly rub on your clit, you feel the knot in your lower stomach start to tighten.

"Yeahh that's it baby clench around me, c'mon cum for me." That's all it takes for you, your legs start to shake and Phil's movements begin to falter.

"Shit." He groans and you feel his cum fill you.

You both begin to come down and he rolls you over, him on his back with you curled into his side.

"I'm not moving 'till i'm sure that shit is in there." you giggle and lean up to kiss his neck. You feel his breathing slow down and begin to hear his soft snores, smiling you let sleep take over you.

[sysmedsaresexist]

I spoke with Colin Ross again.

The original post, for those who missed it.

This is going to be really disjointed and rough. I've been put in a really weird position and I want to just... talk about it. This is okay to reblog, I'm sure there's pro/endos that have been waiting for this. Unfortunately, it's going to be attached to a vent.

Sadly, talking to him brought up a lot of bad feelings. I'm still so sad to see so many people turn on me. I'm disappointed that there was so much pushback. I'm disgusted by people's hypocrisy.

People wanted to know why I wasn't posting my side of the emails to Colin Ross, they tried to say he didn't believe those things anymore.

So I emailed him again, recapping our previous conversations, and asking him if he still believed in non traumagenic plurality.

And he responded that he does.

I thought I could post it, and that would be the end of it. Proving we had spoken before, confirming the topics discussed. But in my email to him, I shared what I've been doing since I last spoke with him, what prompted me to reach out to him again. The same thing that stopped me from posting my side of the emails originally. I wasn't entirely honest with him, either. I don't think I would have gotten a response if I had talked about tumblr.

And I'm simultaneously so excited and so scared.

This is a man that, in a very vague sense, formed a mentor/professional relationship with me. Our interaction overall was brief, but it was exciting to discuss his work with him, ask him questions that had been bothering me-- I told him about myself, my educational and work background. I used my real email and name. My real school. He's Canadian, we talked about it. I shared real details of my life, and while it wasn't necessarily in confidence, I don't think he would appreciate knowing that I've shared his personal thoughts and emails on tumblr, of all places. I'm not lying or hiding anything in my side of the conversation.

I'm scared.

I'm terrified to post anything that could be linked to me. Even posting this, I'm like, "can people like... reverse edit my picture and get my email?" I genuinely don't know.

I worry about posting the full screenshots with his email, knowing people won't believe me if I don't, but not wanting to have these ridiculously immature people in his inbox. I have encouraged people since day one to find his email themselves and reach out. I figure that the only people who would put in that work are the people who genuinely want to learn.

But then I realized that there are people that could ruin the relationship I made with him.

People that could make it so that I can never contact him in this way again.

People could use this to find me, if they get Colin Ross talking. (The rational part of my brain says he's smart enough not to give someone else my name, but goddamn, some of you people are actually dangerous)

There are people that want to do that to me. People that hate that I even brought a professional into this conversation. And I get it. I sat on the original conversation for almost three years, remember?

It's really scary to admit you're wrong, that you've been close-minded and hardheaded. It's scary to confront your bias and actions.

But having him respond to me... I feel so lucky? Not that Colin Ross is a saint, but how often do you get to meet someone like him? How often do you have a chance to take advantage of a professional contact that seems willing and happy to have these kinds of conversations with you? Three years later and he remembered me. He took the time to answer me, again.

I don't want to fuck that up.

So I thought about reaching out to certain people, showing them the entire set of emails without any blockout and having them vouch for the authenticity.

Then I realized that I wouldn't trust any of you anti endogenic systems with any of my information after how you've all behaved.

And I realized that none of you are going to change your minds, no matter what I show you, and I'd rather to maintain my professional relationships than put any more effort into any of you.

And I know if I wait too long to post this, people will call it fake, so I either need to go ahead and make this post or just kind of let it disappear into obscurity.

It's so important, though.

Isn't it?

I can't tell anymore.

[pacifymebby]

Hello can I request the peaky blinders x selective mute reader pls, do you think any of them would understand what's going on or are they completely in the dark? And how would you think they would react to hearing your voice for the first time?

Tommy

🌿 Is drawn in by it, thinks you're mysterious, presumes you're like him and that you're just above the meaningless conversations people fritter through at the Garrison or the markets... He thinks you must be deeper than all that.

🌿 So he's endeared to you, but he's projecting this image he has of you onto you, not necessarily seeing the real you at all. He has this view of some, cool and removed, sharp girl...

🌿 But then he tries to speak to you directly and he notices the way you don't look him in the eye, the way you look to your friend for help only to find your friend has unfortunately been stunned into silence by the presence of Tommy Shelby.

🌿When your friend pulls herself together and apologises, and apologises on your behalf too, Tommy doesn't take his eyes off you, because you still haven't looked at him and he knows youre not going to talk...

🌿 Would want to unravel the mystery, get close to you, know you better than anyone else... Hes always very gentle and charming. He's realised now that he might scare you and so he's more careful not wanting to frighten you, never stern or sharp with you the way he often is with others.

🌿 He's persistent as fuck. Often if he sees you in public he'll say hello, he'll talk to you about what he's doing and he'll try to find things to mention about you. He almost always says something complimentary about your appearance, leaves you blushing nine times out of ten.

🌿 Hes always so calm and polite around you, you actually end up seeing and getting to know a completely different Tommy than anyone else.

🌿 It takes a long time for him to win your trust and keep your confidence but as time goes by you begin looking forward to seeing him, secretly hoping he'll come and sit with you in the Garrison. And whenever he sees you he always does.

🌿 Something about Tommy is that he's quite happy to sit in silence, he likes his thinking time, his peace and quiet and he likes just sitting in silence with you, watching the world go by, watching you.

🌿 He feels so pleased when you finally say something but doesnt show how shocked or pleased he is, just smiles softly and replies to you as if you were anyone else... Because he doesnt want to make a fuss and embarrass you and he doesn't want to behave as if your behaviour is abnormal for fear you'll be too anxious to try and speak again.

🌿 Won't rescue you in conversation because he wants you to know you don't need rescuing, that youre capable of speaking up for yourself.

🌿 He gently encourages eye contact, always correcting your gaze when he talks to you. He often cups your cheek in his hand when he's having a conversation with you, its this reassuring contact which also allows him to keep pushing your gaze gently back to his.

🌿 "Look at me angel, thats better... You've got lovely eyes y/n, let me look at you eh?" he's so gentle with you, his voice becomes a reassuring sound and even if you're still quiet with him, you feel comfortable and slowly, slowly Tommy helps you to build your confidence.

🌿 He'll never cut you off. Ever. Every word that leaves your lips is precious to him and he will never interrupt you. He knows that if he does you'll lose your confidence and start second guessing yourself so he always listens to you, always encourages you to finish what you were saying when you trail off or start to get shy and nervous.

Alfie

🐻 Is endeared to you, but concerned for you too. This is a nasty bit of town you're living in and a girl who can't speak up for herself could wind up in all sorts of trouble.

🐻 The first time he meets you he says all that, he's gruff and grumpy and he doesn't realise until its too late that he's making things so much harder for himself.

🐻 Because you're scared of him then, every time you see him you try to slip away and thats very inconvenient because Alfie is actually quite fond of you, and he wants to look out for you.

🐻 He thinks you're adorable and he's sure you must be one of the sweetest girls he's ever met. He wants to hear your voice, get to know you...

🐻 So he has to change his tact, from then on he's a complete softie with you, he's gentle, he's calm and softly spoken, he doesnt grumble or snap and he tries to hard to be friendly, nothing but charming.

🐻 Luckily for Alfie he can do enough talking for the both of you and your silence is hardly noticeable. He will walk with you through Camden Market, or wherever you're going actually (he's impossible to shake because he wants everyone to see you with him so that no one will think of messing with you) and he'll talk and talk and well... Talk at you, telling you all sorts of stories.

🐻 It takes time you do eventually warm to him. You look forward to seeing him and you enjoy listening to him. You find him very funny and he makes you laugh a lot, even though whenever he does you try to hide it or hold it back. His favourite sound in the world is your little giggle muffled by your hands or your sleeves.

🐻 Sometimes he'll get carried away and realise when its already too late that the story he's telling you is actually probably quite scary, its probably intimidating you...so he'll apologise and cough a little awkwardly and try to change the subject to something softer...

🐻 And thats what makes you speak up, one day he coughs and tries to change the subject just when he was getting to the gory details of a story he's telling you about ghosts people say they've seen down Camden Lock. He tries to change the subject and start talking about something else when you cut him off.

🐻 "Wait don't!" you shock yourself and blush immediately regretting cutting him off, you feel all kinds of anxious, expecting him to be annoyed with you but he isn't. Instead he just chuckles and asks "Don't what poppet?"

🐻 You're not sure you can speak up again, losing your voice immediately but Alfie thinks he knows and he chuckles, "you want to know more about the ghosts?" he asks and when you nod he tries to tease you, "say please..." you panic feeling the tightness in your throat until he smiles and shakes his head and gives your hand a squeeze. "Don't worry zieskiet, don't worry I'm just kidding with you, I know... Very cruel of me want it, I'm sorry poppet..."

🐻 Alfie feels a fatherly protectiveness over you, he can tell that youre an intelligent girl, he can see you have so much potential. He wants you to be more confident, wants you to be able to stand up for yourself, speak for yourself. He's sure you have so many interesting things to say...

🐻 He'll kind of daddy you through it, lots of gentle encouragement but also being kind of firm with you too. He'll ask you questions, he'll be soft with you, but he'll wait for you to answer him. He'll be very encouraging.

🐻 He'll constantly reassure you that he wants to listen to you, that your opinions are valuable, that he'll hear you when you talk to him. "All those thoughts you've got floating around your pretty head y/n, the big ones and all the little ones too right, they're important and I wanna hear every last one yeah... You can tell me anything you like, whenever you like right and I, will always be hear to listen to you yeah, cause you're a smart girl, and everything you think and feel yeah, important... Got that?"

🐻 He'll practice conversations with you, like basic every day conversations. And he'll be so laidback about it too, he won't lie or over complicate thingd. "See right, when you go down the market and such and such whatever his name is, yknow the ugly fella with them big fuckin Cauliflower ears, when he asks how you are right... You don't have to actuually tell him the truth you know... You could just say 'fine thanks' or 'perfectly happy mr Cauliflower ears' or 'fuckin miserable leave me alone' you know... Alright zieskiet you practice on me yeah, you pretend I'm mr fuckin Cauliflower ears and you tell me what you wanna buy from my shit little market stall yeah? Well done poppet, see we're gettin there aren't we... "

🐻 Selfishly he has to admit he enjoys the way you'll only talk to him, the way you look to him so dependently. He loves the way you turn to him when youre lost in conversation, feeling scared or overwhelmed. And he'll never let you down. When you look at him with those wide eyes he will always help you, whether that's answering for you (he feeks so proud that you trust him enough to look to him to do this for you) or whether its giving your hand a squeeze and giving you the gentle encouragement you need to find your words again.

Arthur

🍂 Honestly? You make him nervous. Well, silence makes him nervous, not you personally, it's just that you're a very quiet lass and when he's left alone with you he feels under pressure to speak because you never do.

🍂He ends up saying really stupid things, stumbling over his words, getting frustrated with himself and blushing, he would seem shy if he didn't just come out with every thought that crosses his mind.

🍂 "Funny weather we're having ain't it, well you know, not funny, nah, no one finds fucking weather funny do they, you don't see people laughing at the sun do you, nah I meant like... fuck sake I don't know what I meant..." Him trailing off, you watching him curiously, he's quite endearing, not as intimidating as other people.

🍂 Seconds later he starts talking again, "so what brings you to this end of town love? You don't really look like the kind of girl who should be sitting outside my brothers office on her own... now I'm not being rude, I don't mean you look weird or you know.. I don't fuckin know, I'm not trying to be rude lass I promise, I'm just..."

🍂 His awkwardness makes you laugh, you giggle when he gets flustered and so your laugh is the first thing he hears. And he loves it. He laughs with you, awkwardly, but decides he wants to hear your laugh over and over again.

🍂 He thinks you're probably scared of him and his family, and he's not wrong exactly, its just that everyone intimidates you and no matter who you're socialising with its scary.

🍂 So he tries to put you at ease by being gentle, kind and soft. He tries not to swear in front of you but thats quite hard for Arthur since he's got the pottiest mouth in town and he's always getting annoyed and swearing.

🍂 He does a lot of "fuck... sorry love I mean... f.." opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish because he can't think of any other word that isn't a curse.

🍂 And you find this very funny so you do a lot of giggling and he does a lot of blushing and although things are very awkward between you you warm to him very quickly. He doesn't scare you as much as other people even though he should.

🍂 Maybe its his own nerves that put you at ease, the way you can tell that it isn't easy for him either. The fact that he's always embarrassing himself in front of you... it makes you feel like he isn't judging you.

🍂 Arthur understands you a little, even if he doesn't understand exactly what's going on with you. He thinks you're scared/ shy and doesn't necessarily understand that there's more than that going on. He too struggles to regulate his emotions and finds a lot of things about the world quite scary deep down so he empathises with your anxiety and he understands why you always look so scared and overwhelmed. Its how he would look if he was allowed to express himself, if he didn't have to put on the tough guy act all the time.

🍂 The first time you speak to him its because he's said something daft again and is cursing himself for being "such a stupid fuckin dinlow sometimes..." Whenever you hear him put himself down you always want to argue with him but you never build up the courage in time and the moment passes just as awkwardly as it always does. But today it just slips out. "You're not..." you barely say anything at all but those two words fill Arthur with so much joy he can't keep the smile and the blush from his cheeks. He's really proud that you've spoken to him, since you never speak to anyone else around these parts.

🍂 He kind of gets his hopes up then that you're going to do the talking but of course that isn't how this works. He's disappointed at first but you've given him hope with those two words and every conversation he has with you from then on he sees as another opportunity to hear your voice.

🍂 He wants to help you to speak and he tells you that in his own way, "its a shame for you ain't it, I'm not exactly fuckin... shit I'm sorry lass... and sorry about that too I spose, I meant, am not exactly very good at this either am I... conversation like, it ain't really my strong point.."

🍂 but you'd just smile, a warm smile, half a laugh. Enough for Arthur to understand you're enjoying his company, he isn't scaring you, he's making you happy. Which is actually all he wants to do.

John

🌼 John takes it personally, he's heard you talking to his Aunt Pol before, and you talk to Bonnie Gold! But never to him. He thinks it isn't fair and it wounds his ego because he can't understand why you don't like him.

🌼 He becomes convinced it's his fault, that there must be something he's done to upset you. Tries going over everything he's ever said to you but he knows he's only ever been friendly. So then he gets more frustrated and more wounded and he starts getting sulky.

🌼 Probably stops speaking to you, probably avoids you when he can and, when he can't he probably gives you all these sullen glances and sulky looks that make you feel all the more nervous around him.

🌼 In the end Bonnie starts picking on him about it, telling him not to glare at you the way he does. "Girls shy enough as it is and you're not helping are ye..." "That girl doesn't fuckin like me anyway does she..." Bonnie would laugh at him then, "fuckin dinlow."

🌼 When Bonnie explains that you're shy John has a hard time believing him, "if she's just shy..." "she's not just shy... dinlow, its more than that... if you want her to speak to you you have to win her trust... show her you're not gonna make her regret speaking to ye.... that means smile at her steada whatever that sulkings all about eh..."

🌼 John begrudgingly accepts and tries to follow Bonnie's advice but its difficult. He's used to lasses smiling and flirting with him, he's used to girls who take to his charm immediately, but you can hardly even look at him.

🌼 He's definitely the sort to think that giving you little gifts like the odd flower is going to "bribe" you into speaking to him, and whenever these gifts fail to do so he is always surprised (because he's stupid and doesn't learn) and a little disappointed but not deterred.

🌼 He will pester the living daylights out of anyone you do speak to to find out if you ever say anything about him and when Bonnie says "oh aye she asked about you the other day yeah mate..." "What? What did she say?" "Oh god i dont know let me think... I think she said somet like 'here bon, my best friend in the whole wide world, you know John Shelby don't you... Do you know why he won't leave me the fuck alone?"

🌼 John will just blink back at him stunned, realising hes joking when Bonnie splits a grin and starts laughing at him. "Nah she hasn't said anythin but thats probably a good thing..."

🌼 So poor John has to persist, trying not to let it get to him the way you shy away from him. Its as if you're so scared of him and all he wants to do is show you you've nothing to worry about with him.

🌼 He gets really protective over you, always jumping to your defense when someone complains about how quiet you are. If someone says "she makes me nervous..." You're sure to hear John grumble, "here, mate... I'll give you somet to be nervous about..."

🌼 Eventually all his protectiveness, his little gifts, the way he just doesn't seem to want to give up on you, chips away at your anxiety and leaves you feeling comfortable enough to say "thank you," when he gives you a flower, and to ask him what hes giving it to you for. "Pretty girls deserve pretty things I spose..."

🌼 Naturally that embarasses you making you blush and avert your gaze. John wouldn't know whether it was a good sign or not but he'd try his best to think positively. He'd smile and shove his hands in your pockets and say something like, "not much of a talker are you lass? S'alright i can do the talking for both of us..."

🌼 He'll rescue you in conversation, when someone asks you a question he'll answer for you if you look lost. He'll introduce you to new people and he'll make light of the way you can't speak so that its not awkward and no one thinks you're being rude.

🌼 When it occurs to him one day that you just said hello to him first he'll be stunned, he'll grin the biggest grin and probably pull you in for a shocker of a hug. He can't help it, he's really happy but also really proud of you too.

🌼 No one really understands how the two of you came to be so close since you're practically polar opposites but thats because no one else really sees John's gentler side. His carefulness which is reserved only for you.

🌼 He has that natural fatherly worrying instinct, he worries about how you'll cope when he's not there and whenever you're going out with Ada and the girls he gives them strict instructions to look out for you.

🌼 He probably worries that if something happens to you you will be too scared to shout for help so he gives you a whistle to wear around your neck on a little chain. He says if anything happens to you and you can't shout for help you're to blow the whistle.

,🌼 makes you practice because he knows you well enough to know that if it comes to it you probably won't blow the fucking whistle.

Bonnie

🍀 Thinks he might understand whats going on. He's perceptive, he has to be as a boxer and as a peaky boy. He's good at noticing things about his opponents in the ring, when theyre nervous, when theyre worn out... He's good at sensing fear too, he knows exactly how to read his enemies mind, find their weak spots without moving a muscle or saying a word.

🍀 So he notices things about you pretty quickly. He can tell by studying your expression when you're in a group, or when he tries to talk to you that you're scared and uncertain. The way you never look anyone in the eyes, the way you freeze up and try to shrink away into your clothes when someone says your name.

🍀 At first he thinks you're just shy, and to be honest he's not exactly used to shy girls. None of his sisters or any of the girls he grew up with are shy. Quite the opposite actually. So this is unfamiliar territory...

🍀 Even so, Bonnie is an optimistic lad at the very least, obnoxiously persistent in the eyes of those less forgiving. So he doesn't give up. He tries his very best to bring you out of your shell.

🍀 He makes a point of always smiling at you, always meeting your gaze even if only for a second, he speaks to you directly, always makes sure to say hello to you directly even when you're in a group. He doesnt push it further than that at first but over time, when you start to smile back, he starts asking you questions, and when you don't answer he starts answering the questions too, "hows your week been?... Ah well mines been alright can't complain you know... Got a fight coming up you know... Come see me if you like am gonna win in the fourth round..."

🍀 Maybe he's naive but he thinks he can probably trust you with his secrets... Who are you going to tell them to afterall.

🍀 When he feels close enough to you he'll probably make that joke and hope to god you laugh rather than hit him for it.

🍀 The longer this all goes on though the more Bonnie begins to wonder if you're really "just shy" or if its somethint else. Something deeper than that?

🍀 He's extremely patient though and he will rescue you in conversations when he sees you need it, he's actually very protective over you and it genuinely hurts his wee heart when he sees you looking scared and awkward, if he thinks you're struggling he'll swoop in to rescue you, sometimes without even thinking about what he's saying so that he embarrasses himself. But no bother eh, anything to take the pressure is off you.

🍀 The first time he hears you laughing its because he's a embarassed himself in front of the peaky boys. You'd usually feel far too uncomfortable to laugh at anything, choking back your laughter, clenching your fists and holding your breath to keep it inside. But Bonnie makes you feel safe, and you're always just a little more comfortable when hes around.

🍀 So when he says the stupidest thing you think you have ever heard, the giggle just tumbles out of you and doesn't stop. Everyone's looking at you in shock because you've only ever smirked at most in the past. When you realise everyones looking at you you go quiet again but your eyes find Bonnies and the warmth of his smile settles your anxieties and reassures you that everythings okay.

🍀 For as much as Bonnie will always rescue you in conversations and speak up when you can't, he can see how much pain you're in, how anxious you seem to be all the time and he'll want to help you. He wants you to be happy and confident enough to speak for yourself even when he isn't around.

🍀So he'll try his best when its just the two of you, not to rescue you when you lose your words. Instead he'll take your chin with his finger, tilt your gaze back up to his and hold eye contact with you saying something like "go on lovely, what were you going to say?"

🍀 He makes sure you can see he's listening to you. If you're in a group and you try to speak but no one hears you, Bonnie will make sure people hear you and don't forget about you. All these little things build your confidence slowly over time.

🍀 And when you are anxious his hand always manages to find yours giving you a reassuring squeeze. Bonnie is all about showing you he is there for you.

🍀You develop this kind of telepathy almost, a simple look is enough from either of you to make the other laugh or understand exactly what youre both thinking. He'll look to you and roll his eyes when his dad is talking and when you start laughing everyone will know its the two of you up to no good again.

🍀People say he brings out the worst in you, hes a bad influence, but he's the opposite actually and everyone can see how much happier you are when you're with him. His confidence and happy go lucky nature brings out a calmer less anxious side to you and you've never smiled more than when you're with him.

🍀 One of your things is not ever being able to address someone by their name so he kind of craves hearing u say his. And whenever you do he loves it!

Isaiah

🐀It drives him crazy because he knows you can talk. He knows you're just "choosing" not to talk when he's around. He's interjected in conversations in which you were talking to Ada before and literally watched the smile fall from your lips at the sight of him...

🐀So much like John his ego is wounded and he just gets frustrated trying to work out what he's done wrong. Why you don't like him.

🐀It wouldn't actually occur to him that you might be scared of him because he's with the Peaky Blinders. Ada has to point that out to him... But even when she does he just shrugs and says he doesn't understand. "I'm nice? I don't get it, I'm always fuckin nice!"

🐀He copes with his insecurity about you by teasing you, making little jokes about how you never speak. He calls you little mouse because you're so mousy and shy. Ada tells him off for this so many times but trying to laugh at the fact you won't talk to hin is the only way he can be less embarrassed about the fact that you don't like him.

🐀He will be too embarrassed about his insecurity to ask anyone for any real advice, he'll just keep going, making the jokes, knowing hes making things worse.

🐀Finally when he gets you alone one day, he'll get annoyed at the awkward silence between you and suddenly just let everything out confessing everything to you. "I know you don't like me very much sweetheart, know you probably wish I'd shut up and leave you the fuck alone right now eh but I just wanna know what I've done like... Always try me best to be fuckin nice to you don't I but I don't reckon I have been cause you don't seem to have warmed up to me much do you... "

🐀"Yknow I don't mean anythin by any of that stupid shite i say don't you mousy... Truth is i think you're a really sweet little lass, all i really wants well, i dont know... Just a little hello every now and then would do... Just want to feel like we're friends... "

🐀When you still cant respond and you flee he just has to accept it and take the L cause he deserved it for taking the mickey out of you for as long as he has done. Honestly it's going to take such a long time for him to win your trust now.

🐀He'd maybe even need to give you a little space, get used to the fact that you aren't going to speak, accept that you're going to be quiet and shy and that you probably won't even look at him.

🐀He has a lot of learning to do tbh, like he has to learn that your silence isn't a reflection of him, it doesn't mean you don't like him. He basically has to work on his own self confidence (and i mean his real deep internal self esteem not that cocky arrogant front he puts on in front of others) he has to really work on his own sense of self and then look to working on his relationship with you

🐀He goes from being your most frustrating tormenter to your most fierce protector. If he ever catches anyone making jokes about you he'll shoot them down, sarcastically laugh at them all "like she hasn't heard that before cunt..."

🐀I think it takes Isaiah the longest to hear you speak. And then when you finally do he gets shy and paranoid he's going to fuck it up, that hes going to do the wrong thing and you'll never want to speak to him again.

🐀All you said was hello, a simple hello in response to his, that was it. But he forgets how to speak, just looks at you blankly, manages to smile and just sort of repeats himself, says hello again and gets awkward. Which makes you awkward too. You smile but you shrink away because you really need him to lead a conversation.

🐀Pulls himself together in time to say its nice to see you. You kind of just have this awkward conversation where everything he says you repeat back and he has to stop himself from repeating again, you just go round in cirlcles until Ada cuts in and rescues you both.

🐀One day he asks if you can forgive him for having been such a stupid git to you in the beginning and hes so relieved when you nod your head and let him take your hand.

🐀Considering how scared you used to be of him and his stupid jokes you feel so close to him now. No ones ever put this much effort into getting to know you and trying to win your trust.

🐀"You've got a really lovely voice you know," he isn't used to saying "nice" things to people and meaning them, he's usually such an empty flirt, trying to charm lasses into a one night fling. But with you its different and you mean a lot to him.

🐀Still calls you mousy but its affectionate and it becomes this sign of your firm bond. Only he gets to tease you and call you that name, he's earnt the closeness you share and you know he means it affectionately.

🐀Rather than actively helping you to get better at speaking, his boisterous personality and relentless cocky attitude probably rubs off on you. Its hard not to feel a little more confident when you're on Isaiahs arm. He lets you wear his peaky cap sometimes in big groups, it shows everyone youre with him, and he sees it bring out your confidence.

Michael

☘️ I think Michael was shy as a little boy, at least more so than all of his cousins, and then when he was taken from his mother probably even more so.

☘️He probably didn't talk much when he was given to his new family. Even as he got older he probably wasn't the most self assured young lad. In school he probably tried to fit in and did a little, but wasn't particularly loud or popular.

☘️ So when he meets you he recognises that uncertainty in your eyes and understands your social anxieties.

☘️ He wants to give you a hug and tell you it'll be alright, that even if things feel overwhelming for you now, if things feel scary and you feel like you're not capable of doing anything right, or that you don't feel like you fit in... It won't always be like this and if you give it time you'll find your place just like he did.

☘️But this is Michael we're talking about, he bottles all that shit up. Doesn't say a word to you, just watches you and feels that familiar uncertainty curdling inside him. All these things he wants to say and he can't bring himself to say it. He gets anxious because what if he's got you all wrong what if its not like that for you at all.

☘️ In the end its Polly who tells him he should try to get to know you, "you were like her once you know... She could do with a good lad like you to show her a little kindness... Its a cruel world Michael, if you don't nobody else will..."

☘️ So then he feels guilty too. Has to swallow his anxiety whenever you're around. It takes all his will to make himself sit down next to you, to say hello, to keep trying even when you only offer him the smallest of smiles in response.

☘️ But he's a mothers boy isn't he, so what Pol wants Pol gets and she wants him to try so he bloody well tries. And besides, he feels a connection with you, he's felt one from the very first time he saw you in the Garrison with his cousin Ada. He doesnt know whether you feel it to, in fact he knows you probably dont. He feels close to you because he thinks he knows how you feel.

☘️Eventually he gets up the courage to talk to you properly. He finds the whole thing absolutely painful and mortifying, trying to tell you how he used to be like you, so he thinks he understands.

☘️ You can sense how hard he's trying though and that means a lot to you, and you're honestly surprised too because for as much as he's reserved around you, you've seen him with other people, you've seen him charming the girls at the Garrison and you know the reputation he has is as bad as his cousins. So you're surprised when he tells you about his childhood shyness and how it took him a long time to feel accepted anywhere.

☘️ Its encouraging, the way he talks about it too, like its this thing that used to be a huge problem in his life but isn't anymore. You find it reassuring to know that you might not feel this way forever. That one day you too might feel accepted and comfortable enough to talk freely and take up space.

☘️ You don't realise, though you should, that its Michael and his family that are going to make you feel that way. That it will be him that treats you with the warmth and patience that you need to make you feel at home.

☘️ You pluck up the courage to say something to him a few days later, youve wanted to say something to him since he spoke so empathetically and gently to you, its been all you could think of, how to say it, when you'll say it, if he'll even know what you're doing talking about because its been awhile now and he's probably forgotten he even said anything to you at all ect ect... Youre riddled with the anxiety of saying something to him and the more you think about it the worse it gets.

☘️ But you do manage it, even if all you actually say is, "Thank you... For..." when you trail off you expect him to cut you off but he doesn't, he just smiles softly and watches you carefully, trying to work out if you are going to finish your sentence or not. When you stammer and cut yourself off again he puts his hand on your shoulder and gives you a reassuring squeeze.

☘️ "s'alright love, i understand, come on come sit, just me and you, try again in a minute eh?"

☘️ At first the way things develop between you its like he's a big brother to you, he takes you under his wing, protects and guides you as though making up for the sister he lost.

☘️ He spends a lot of his time with you, and whenever he sees you around he makes time to talk to you, or not talk to you depending on how he feels like you're feeling.

☘️ You have this unspoken connection, sometimes all it takes is a look from you and he knows exactly what you're thinking/feeling.

☘️The more you spend your time with him the more able to talk you are and he's so pleased and proud that you look to him in the way that you do, that he is one of the only people in the city who gets the blessing of hearing your voice, getting to know you intimately through conversation.

☘️He's especially pleased to know things about you that Tommy doesn't, that you trust him and nobody else. That without him you'd be lost.

☘️ Gets jealous if you do start speaking to someone else and has to remind himself that actually this is what he wants. For you to grow and become your authentic self not hiding or fearing being too much.

☘️ So despite his fear that once you can talk to other people you'll not need him and you'll stop wanting to speak to him, he encourages you and reassures you, tells you he's proud of you.

☘️ But of course his fears are unnecessary, you'll always look to him for comfort, company and reassurance, he'll always be the person who saw you for who you really are first. He'll always be the one who believed in you and took his time with you. And he's your best friend. And maybe you secretly want hin to be more than that.

[genericpuff]

You know what do you think of hanza cancelling her own comic that is the guy upstairs? Like for me,I really really hope she's okay. And I know blacklightjack(he make a video about this) and the line he says about artists need to grow a thicker skin is just. I'm sorry like,look I get what he's saying but hanza have to cancel the comic because of toxic shippers. Sure,you can just ignore them and pretend they don't exist but they will still still still annoy you and h*rass you to the point you can't take it anymore and have to cancel the comic because of the whole goddamn toxic fanbase.

(as a Malaysian myself,I need to say this,I really hope hanza is alright. And in my language saya harap dia dapat bantuan Dan menjaga kesihatan sendiri)

So...

sigh I feel like this isn't the answer or essay you expected but I hope you're open to at least hearing it out all the same.

I do not think Hanza handled the situation in a way that benefitted her as a creator or her audience of people who genuinely love her work.

I DO think she was justified to be pissed off with the people harassing her. Those people suck ass and they're the definition of "this is why we can't have nice things."

But like... the notion of "you need to grow thicker skin" is true in being a creator who puts their work out into the world for an audience. Hear me out, this does NOT mean "creators aren't allowed to have feelings". But it does mean that you have to find peace with the fact that there are gonna be weirdos and assholes who take shit too far within your community. You don't necessarily deserve that. But you can't give those people power over you by going scorched earth in the way that Hanza did, because who does it really benefit? Hanza is now out a job and she's soiled her own reputation with her audience by basically going "FINE, because of these few people who were shit, NO ONE gets to have a good time!" And that's just... not a productive or healthy way to deal with these issues because it's just doing what those trolls and shitheads likely wanted. They wanted a reaction out of her, and she delivered it to them on a silver platter.

Like, I think of the dumbasses complaining about Hanza "taking advantage of the dark romance community" (she didn't, she just made a horror thriller comic that they felt entitled to see romance in) and guess what? Now those dumbasses have power over here because she ended the comic and in their heads, I'm sure they're thinking "good riddance". By choosing to not only end her comic, but spoil it entirely for her fans who were there in good faith, Hanza gave power to the people who weren't even a part of her target audience to begin with.

I do think it's ironic if people assume I'd automatically boo the "grow thicker skin" mantra because like, y'all... many of my complaints here are literally about people like Rachel who behave badly with their audience and desperately needed to grow thicker skin. In a lot of ways she's not even reacting to direct harassers, she's reacting to people simply discussing her comic in their own spaces which aren't mean for her. If she spoiled the ending of LO for her fans and ended the comic prematurely, I would feel awful, but... it still would have been her decision at the end of the day that she'd have to stand by and take responsibility for.

I think, at best, if I were to give her any unsolicited advice, she should have just put the comic on hiatus, taken a break, focused on her mental health and given herself enough distance to ask herself if she wanted to continue TGU. Maybe it still would have ended the same way, but at least she would have given herself the time and space to heal and rationalize her choices.

Instead, by choosing the nuclear option of spoiling the series for her readers and axing the comic - just to backpedal and go back to "no no it's just an indefinite hiatus!" - she gave up her power to the people who were harassing her. She reacted in a way that gave them power over her, not herself over them.

And I say this as someone who's currently on an indefinite hiatus with their main project, which I still have not spoiled for the 5 readers I have, despite the fact that I have zero clue when I'll return or if I'll even be able to. Whether or not Cyra and co. break out of the Reaper Society is now a 2 year old question.

I say this all as someone who has been harassed and is still harassed for doing what I wanna do. My first ever webcomic website when I was like 17 used to get emails and comments from shitty classmates and other local yokels who knew of me and wanted to pick fights over a teenager's dumb lil' gag comics. I kept making those comics anyways for myself and for the people who did like reading them, until I was ready to drop the comic on my own terms and move onto my next project, which would be Reaper. Reaper also got a lot of nonsense complaints and harassment. As did my fanfiction projects, as did my digital art, as did everything that I've ever put out into the world through the Internet, because the Internet just sucks for everyone always and then you die 🤣

And now, 10+ years later, I get the occasional "you're a shitty talentless person who isn't gonna amount to anything and yaddayaddayadda" which, to be fair, is a reaction from the folks who are unhappy with my intentions to make a Lore Olympus rewrite comic!

But I'm not going to give them power over me by stopping. I have a story I want to tell and if I stopped telling that story due to the shitty things they had to say and do, then I would be punishing myself and punishing my audience for the actions of a few bad apples. I do not deserve to have those abusive actions targeted at me (though they surely do and that's on them) and I do not have to put up with it, but I genuinely would not be able to live with myself if I gave them power over me by reacting in such an explosive way that my bloody remains land on everyone around me, including the people who were supportive and loved my work along the way.

That said, I also don't know to what extent Hanza was harassed. I've seen people claim she was doxxed, but have yet to see any evidence of that. I have seen people claim she got death threats, but Hanza hasn't shown anything to back that up. I'm going to assume the best of her that the harassment must have gotten pretty fucking bad for her to want to quit, and again, that is justified, and I cannot in any way use my experiences as a way to diminish hers. Maybe she just flat out isn't interested in making TGU anymore which... I can definitely say I relate to that, too.

There's this sort of mindfulness technique in stress and emotional management where you have to recognize that other people's actions are NOT your responsibility, but your REACTION is, because your reaction is what you can control and have power over.

Rachel Smythe finished LO in spite of what wackjobs like me said (and still say) about her and she has power in that perseverance, power that wackjobs like me cannot and *should* not try to take away from her.

mongie decided Webtoons was not suited for her work and vision and decided to put the comic on hiatus until she could get her distribution rights back and continue Let's Play on another platform. She has power in that decision and integrity, power that Webtoons cannot take away from her.

Whether or not you like my work, whatever opinion you have of it that you're entitled to, I have power in knowing that I started a project that I now love dearly and can take pride in, and has brought closure to people like me who were left disappointed by LO. I have power in that stubbornness and refusal to let other people determine what I'm capable of.

Even if you remove the external influence of the audience from the picture, we all have power as creators that we need to harness and take ownership in.

By going nuclear and spoiling her comic for her audience and ending it entirely, Hanza may have gotten the short term satisfaction of turning the school bus around to go back home, but she still disrespected herself and robbed herself of her own power as a creator which will ultimately stick with her far more than it will the harassers who will inevitably move on to some other target and forget she even existed. And that's a decision that she has to live with.

The harassers got under Hanza's skin and gave her more than enough reason to feel frustrated. But they did not choose to spoil and end the comic. She did. And she is ultimately the only one who will have to live with the consequences of that.

I do hope she's okay and that she's getting the time and space she needs to heal from this. If this truly is the outcome that she feels gives her the most power and the ends justified the means for her, I hope she found strength in it, regardless of the opinions of people like myself that ultimately should not matter to her. I hope the people harassing her get what's coming for them whether it be actually getting called out or just the universe delivering karmic retribution on them. I hope Hanza can find joy and peace again either in TGU or whatever project she pursues next. But most importantly, I hope she finds the confidence and power she needs to stick to her guns and create what she wants to create, unapologetically.

"Growing thicker skin" doesn't mean we as creators have to be comfortable with abuse - it just means we need to do ourselves the honor and favor of making decisions that give ourselves power rather than giving it away to the abusers who do not have to live our lives at the end of it all.

And that is my very big bag of cents on that.

[hotwaterandmilk]

So I decided to pick up physical copies of The Vampire and His Pleasant Companions from Yen Press on a whim the other day. I've been in such a nostalgia hole about Ragawa's works thanks to the Hanayume 50th celebrations and I remembered her manga adaptation of Konohara Narise's novels had restarted not that long ago. It made sense to get the books and begin a catchup re-read before the fifth volume comes out in English.

I'll be honest, I don't remember much about the Kyuketsuki to Yukai na Nakamatachi novels or manga from when I first encountered them. I had the first two manga volumes in Japanese at one point, but gave them away when the manga went on hiatus years ago. However, upon beginning my catchup re-read in English I was struck by how much the story resonated with me now.

If you've never read the series before now, long story short from Yen Press, "When a vampire from Nebraska named Al gets frozen in bat form, he winds up in Japan under the care of a dark and mysterious man covered in a bloody scent!"

I'd like to get into why I think this series is worth picking up now and for that it's probably easier to throw my ramblings under a cut.

I feel like the humorous elements of the series are what get talked about in the (admittedly scant) English language reviews for the series and, while the whole setup can be quite amusing, the more serious elements are what actually makes it stand out from other vampire tales with romantic elements. While everything is exaggerated, there are some very "real" aspects that help The Vampire and His Pleasant Companions stand out in an endless sea of vampire tales.

For example, Al being bitten by a vampire wasn't a ticket to easy street. There was nothing glamorous about what happened to him. That bite ruined his life and through no fault of is own, he rapidly became destitute. Vampirism in fiction is often shown leading characters to social isolation, but not necessarily to poverty. Given that Al has lost everything that connected him to his previous life, it makes sense that in our current capitalistic society he'd also lose access to even the most basic things our societal identities afford us -- including housing.

So yes, it's amusing that this bat-boy ended up flash frozen and shipped with some meat to Japan. However, the circumstances that led up to that outcome are given the weight they deserve. You truly do feel for Al in these moments because haven't we all been, at one time or another in our lives, perilously close to losing everything? These fleeting glimpses at the past sting in otherwise rollicking segments of the story as they should. Everything beautiful in Al's present is something that he didn't have during his lowest points and you truly feel for him as he works to prolong these moments.

Another serious moment that lifts the series even higher in my eyes is when it becomes aparent that Akira has access to human remains. Rather than handwaving away the access to blood as a convenient way to get Al the nutrition he needs, a significant amount of time is dedicated to the ethics surrounding the situation. The gravity with which all lives should be handled post-mortem and just a generally respectful examination of embalming as a process.

Unsurprisingly, I find the portrayal of Al's "incomplete" vampirism as a form of disability to be a compelling take on the mythos too. Al gets almost none of the "benefits" of being a vampire due to the whole process "not being done properly." What this leaves him with are a lot of things that make his everyday life different from not just humans, but "complete" vampires as well.

These differences mean he struggles to feed himself properly, feels significant levels of pain, and his body is often weak or doesn't behave the way he wants it to. The cause here is obviously fiction, but the way Al's acquired disability impacts his capacity to function to an acceptable level in a society of "normal" folks (both human and vampire) really struck me as ringing true, at least for myself and my own disabilities.

Yeah, I'm not going to turn into an adorable bat (and truly, bat Al is A D O R A B L E) but the struggle to make use of the few good hours in a day when my body works to a degree, that's so goddamn real. Al wants to contribute to the household, to pay back Akira and to be a functioning member of society... but it's not as straightforward for him as it is for others and that's something I appreciate being explored here.

Another thing that stands out to me is Akira's sexuality. While there are a lot of misunderstandings with Al and Akira that lead to people assuming they're lovers, when Akira is pushed into a corner about having a lover he shuts this down by describing himself as being frigid or having a low libido (in very blunt language).

I feel like the depth of this is conveyed well in the English translation by the subsequent line:

While at this point in the series Akira hasn't labeled his sexuality as being either demisexual or asexual, this is definitely something that it feels like the narrative is leaning towards. Particularly when Al clarifies the difference, in his limited language skills, between the physical and the romantic.

Akira is still figuring out what is comfortable for him in terms of dealing with people, so it makes sense that his progress regarding intimacy has only accelerated after meeting Al. The batty vampire is pushing him towards understanding more about himself and how he chooses to interact with those around him, but the ball is still very much in Akira's court regarding whether he'd like to explore either the physical or emotional aspects of their relationship further. I found that really refreshing?

That this story allows the dark-haired, brooding hero who is one part of our lead will-they-or-won't-they, to assert that he doesn't feel the same level of physical attraction that others do. That he isn't entirely confident in this either, that it's a part of himself he's never opened up about before, that it's something Al uncovers and isn't suddenly changed to fit what is acceptable. But that it doesn't lessen Al's interest in him, it's just part of who Akira is... gah! It really resonated with me idk. I love some smut, but I also appreciate it when a story focused on something as sexual as vampirism chooses to eschew this in favour of raw emotional edging instead.

I've pushed the more serious elements of the text in this ramble, but before I wrap up I should really note that there are some very funny moments too. For example, Al's bluntness here when he speaks Japanese.

The Vampire and His Pleasant Companions isn't the best work of vampire fiction I've ever read, but it uses its recurring themes of isolation vs. the need for connection to craft an enjoyable narrative. One that I feel lingers in my mind a bit more than others. While Al's unique form of vampirism leads to some absurd escapades, the story is elevated by having its emotional core remain grounded in the intrinsic beauty of everyday human interaction and how even fundamentally different people can connect in small but significant ways.

Blah blah blah, you should check it out, I can't wait for the next volume, etc.

[13eyond13]

Something I think fiction does sometimes is make sex represent the end goal for relationships so often that if two characters sleep together it causes readers to automatically see them as truly in love / that it would solve all problems for the pair to be together forever, even when that isn't necessarily what the narrative is trying to say / depict otherwise.

I am thinking about this because of Guts and Casca... to me they sleep together initially almost as an act of friendship? A way of experimenting with each other and learning about sex, perhaps of distracting themselves from the person they're both more actually into, and of course also because they do care about each other and maybe are attracted to one another on some level, and want to see what it would be like to try to get even closer together. But I think the story also makes it pretty clear that Guts is more emotionally invested in his relationship with Griffith than with Casca, in what you might call a narratively romantic sense... and Casca is shown sort of seeing the futility of her feelings for Griffith and eventually growing apart from him that way pre-Eclipse, even though she still cares for him the most out of everyone she knows (though I don't think he ever feels nearly the same way about her). So getting with Griffith isn't end game for Casca (and she herself eventually realizes that), but I also don't read Casca as a character for whom getting with Guts is the end game character arc-wise, either. I'm not sure Miura even had a concrete end-game character arc in mind for her, to be honest. I feel as though unfortunately she was written mostly as something to be used between Griffith and Guts rather than to end up having her own fully realized narrative journey in the same way that Guts (and maybe also Griffith) will. I want to see her and Guts as friends and at peace more than I want to see them live happily ever after together as a couple, because I feel like that's actually more how they really feel for one another than anything else. Granted, there's a bit of an interesting ironic twist in the story that happens during the Eclipse, where Griffith (unintentionally?) drives Guts and Casca closer together than I think they might have been otherwise with the trauma that he causes them both (even though I think their relationship is probably something he'd be jealous of and read as more romantic than it actually might be and wish to destroy, simply due to his own insecurities and his own possessive feelings for Guts). But I also didn't really read Guts' reactions in the Eclipse scene as Guts being jealous and possessive over Casca in a sexual / romantic sense - I read it more as him feeling empathy for her pain and desire to protect her from harm / from the darker side of Griffith he maybe knew about a bit better than anybody else. I DO care about Guts and Casca's relationship a lot, and find it one of the most emotionally compelling things in the story. But I don't think shipping them together for a happily ever after is really what I'd want for them, nor something that the narrative was actually trying to work towards / suggest to be the best ending for anybody involved? I don't know if I think shipping Guts and Griffith necessarily is either, particularly because of how irredeemably awful Griffith behaved during the Eclipse... but I DO think the story intentionally hinges more around the Griffguts relationship and their emotional journeys / character developments than it does about any other pair/relationship in the series, and that both of them have intense unresolved feelings for each other that come off much more suggestive and stronger than ones of just simply wanting to be friends. And I think all of these characters are pretty explicitly aware of that themselves even in the story as well.

Haha I don't even know what I'm trying to even say here except to work out some of my own thoughts about the main 3 that I care about, I suppose!

[max1461]

Regarding the culture on here (and twitter) being overly concept-centric; people having a tendency to view particular things as being mere instantiations of concepts as opposed to concepts emerging from the particulars of life:

It's like, whether it's therapy jargon or Bayesian reasoning or Marxist analysis, people on here really seem to love analyzing everything through some kind of established frame. Often the frame is constantly rotating. When social justice was tumblr's épistémè it used to constantly pick up new frameworks, and still the rationalists are always picking up on some new framework (or rolling their own). There's always a new framework du jour.

Nobody just looks at shit and decides independently what they think of it. Nobody just has specific, isolated, personal opinions about this or that particular topic. It's all tied into some established body of theory. Or at least, when people do just look at shit and come to an independent opinion, they feel the need to articulate it in reference to some established body of theory.

I hate this! I can't express how wrong I think this is in terms of like, being a productive way to engage with the world. Like, this kind of social theorizing... whether Marxist, rationalist, or psychiatric... it should be secondary. It should be something you put in an essay or research paper, and not something you live your life by. Why? Well there are a lot of reasons. Models, even accurate models, are necessarily simplifications of reality. In your actual lived experience you have the kind of direct knowledge of a situation that makes this sort of theorizing superfluous. And more humanistically, subordinating the actuality of your life, your human interactions, etc. to like... static, lifeless ideas... it sucks! Why would you do this!

There are epistemic problems with social theorizing in general too, but that's not even the point, that's beside the point.

Before anyone is a proletarian, an autistic narcissist, a Bayesian agent... they are an individual, they are the person in front of me, right? Before any of my actions are elements of any system or pattern, they are my specific actions, taken in some moment to some specific end. All the concepts are secondary. The real world is actual.

Right? Right?

This is not really a fact claim so much as an... emotional claim? I am claiming the correctness of some specific outlook or way of relating to the world, not some specific set of facts. And actually I think there's a lot of value in the concept-first way of relating. I certainly don't want to embody it, to me it seems awful, sterile, frightening and lonely. But some people don't feel that way, they love it, and that's great on its own, and beyond that: through their way of engaging with the world they clearly produce all sorts of concepts that I and others like me would never think to produce, and some of those concepts are bound to turn out to be nonsense but some will turn out to be worthwhile, and there you go. There is value in being a uh... a conceptualist, I'm going to call this worldsense "conceptualism". But I don't want to be one. Or be expected to act like one, as is the implicit expectation on here. I want to be an actualist. I am an actualist.

See look. Even here I'm framing things in terms of concepts. I'm behaving now as a conceptualist. I don't do this naturally. But it's impossible not to write for your audience. It's impossible not to speak to your audience. Some people can do it but not me. Speech, for me, inherently involves a model of the other, and I cannot speak but specifically to the other I model. And on here, the other is conceptualist, so I behave as a conceptualist.

[onebizarrekai]

Fic Author Interview

I've been tagged by @unmaskedcardinal! been a while since I talked about any of this stuff, particularly as a very inconsistent fic poster haha

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

the visible number linked to my account is currently 60, no idea if this is counting the bizarre saga from my archive account or not. technically I've posted more, but they aren't part of that number.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

567,314.

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

ibvs season 1 & season 2 are (thankfully) the top two on my account, considering they're… well. ibvs.

number 3 is formal humiliation, a utmv fic back in 2019 where I wrote 3 oneshots all with different pairs surrounding the same idea. it's uh, it's something.

4 is behave, a saiouma despair disease fic I wrote sort of ironically in 2020. I did not realize this weird oneshot would be the thing that jumpstarted my kage obsession.

5, for some reason, is glow, a ds fic I wrote in 2019. I do not know why this is the ds fic with the most kudos. I am just really glad that it's not one of the ones I wrote in 2018.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

lately I have been trying to respond to more comments, if they're on a recent enough story and I can think of a way to answer.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

most of the fics I've written right now have been Random Spot In Time fics with no articulate ending, but game over is pretty edgy. I think. I've written a similarly edgy ending but it's in an anonymous fic. it occurs to me that edgy doesn't necessarily mean angst, but it can.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

somehow everyone lived happily ever after in the bizarre saga, no f'ing idea how they managed that

7. Do you write crossovers?

I have. I have as comedies. I tend to take a bunch of guys and put them in a new setting that they definitely shouldn't be in. poopenster high is an example of this, but none of that has ever touched the internet and I haven't touched it in like 2 years.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

oh my god like. maybe once? maybe? I don't even think it counted as hate. I think like several years ago some rando complained that season 2 of ibvs was trying too hard to be funny. I barely remember what it actually said, I just remember it being annoying.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

when I was in my v3 phase I wrote some, I think "feelings with smut" describes most of it decently. the nature of the kcu meant it was like, almost all trippy.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I dunno. I hope not. I think I've had people repost stuff without permission.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

probably?? when I was a teen I had people say they wanted to translate my utmv fics, I don't know which ones actually followed through anymore.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

(sigh) yes.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

oh god, I think I honestly just phase around stuff. I don't think I've ever permanently latched onto a pair, it's just that I've had fandoms and I have pairs that I've ended up liking in them and they just sort of stay that way even if stop paying attention to the fandom. I like most ships that happens to fit into my favorite criteria (that being protagonist/morally ambiguous deuteragonist or antagonist). if you asked me what my favorite series is, it would be an easier question. it's zelda. but I don't really have any permanent favorite ships in zelda.

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

this is a scary question because I have a number of major wips that I want to get back into once I get back into writing and I refuse to accept that they may not get finished. I don't know. moose hill? for a little while I wanted to see if I could come up with a whole side story, but it is extremely unlikely that will happen. maybe a better example is a continuation of shuichi and kage's blackout adventure, which is pretty low on the priority list for if my brain every gets infected by danganronpa again.

15. What are your writing strengths?

the jokes are very important. I put my heart and soul into them. I hope that people can see my vision when I tell them.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

actually doing the writing getting from point A to point B. I come up with this whole outline and realize there's 2000 words of empty space that needs to happen. and it's like dull shit, too. just plain old events. like look at them, it's the lunching hours again. because lunch is a thing that happens every day. is it redundant to have lunch too many times? it can't possibly! it's the only time they can talk to each other! do I need to pan the camera again because this 3 sentence exchange has dragged on for too long? help

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

makes sense to me. or like, depends on the context. if the POV is a character who can speak the language, the reader should probably get to know what they're saying (think like, subtitled sections of a movie), unless it's really easy to decipher. but if the POV can't understand it, the reader shouldn't necessarily know. it gets more complicated if it takes place in a setting where they should logically be speaking a language that is not english for example. like, if they're in a country where they are not speaking english but the fic is in english. it wouldn't really make sense to insert interjections in their home language because they're not speaking english in the first place. I guess it all depends on what you're trying to convey.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

sonic. does it count. I started writing once I was old enough to type. but I think the first story I ever put online was zelda.

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

on occasion I entertain the idea of writing for corpse party, but that's probably not going to happen.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I'm going to not include that one anonymous fic and my pile of unfinished longfic wips that I've been proud of in past years is way too big so… maybe game over?? it's complicated. I have a ton of comedy pieces that I love but they're just… not completed!!

[ feel free to fill this out yourself if you're a fic writer! ]

[sugar-grigri]

If you haven't done one before, could you do an analysis of Denji's use of sexuality as the only form of love he still has untouched?

Sex and love, two bets Denji wants to take

At first, touching breasts, getting close to a girl, was a way for Denji to fill something he didn't understand. Projecting his lack of relationships, and affection, into what was visible, represented on those posters and magazines, through all those sexual images. Denji is someone who reasons through his senses, his intuitions. For him, pure physical contact was love.

When he loses Pochita for the first time, Denji doesn't immediately place his feelings in the abstract. He's sad, having just lost his family, but physically, organically and symbolically, he remains in his heart, he is his heart. It's only afterwards, as Denji experiments, that he understands the ambivalence of relationships: things don't turn out as we'd hoped, we can even have bad experiences, be violated against our will even when we were convinced we'd get a reward, a pleasant, harmless act.

Proposing a carnal act is not necessarily an act of kindness; on the contrary, it's often a way of dominating and manipulating the other person. Falling in love and sleeping together isn't as simple as cooking and eating. It's a risk before it's a pleasure.

Then there was Aki and Power. The symbol of platonic family relationships. For whom Denji didn't realize his attachment until after their loss. To the point of understanding that losing someone isn't as simple to resolve as sleeping when you're sleepy. That it follows us without solution.

Denji understood this plurality of love, he also understood that sex, or one's own body, is a currency of exchange, as his dialogue with Yoshida had shown. A body can be bruised, sex can be non-consensual. These aren't just abstract concepts, Denji doesn't think like that; if he's understood them at all, it's through his own experiences.

In chapter 127, Denji catches up with Asa, subjected to the Falling Devil, who argues that life is only pain. What Denji is trying to do is reassure her, which is not easy for him as speech is not his strong suit. But he puts himself in her place anyway, and it's one of the rare times when CSM expressly and voluntarily helps someone simply to help them, without projecting anything behind it (he wasn't supposed to see Asa anymore).

He then talks about cats and dogs, because he knows that universally they are beings that bring us happiness. But he also evokes all his traumas: ice cream (Aki), cats (Power), but above all hamburgers (representing his mourning when he gave up control of his being to Pochita). Denji evokes them all positively, yet symbolically, they are all finely chosen elements that will evoke negativity.

But in the end, Denji says he's moving on to have sex one day. I know this isn't the right way to reassure Asa, but Denji wanted to help her, to comfort her, and he did it sincerely, because he can't change what he says if it's what he thinks. Wanting sex is what a teenager wants. It's also a desire for Denji not to compartmentalize growing up and not to pay attention to his needs.

Denji is attracted by what he can touch directly, by pure sensations. So it's natural that he only talks about sex. That's not to say he'll reduce his girlfriend to that, he just doesn't know what envelops the act, feelings, love. He's never had a girlfriend!

Denji was abandoned by his parents, dehumanized, having grown up with a demon, behaving like an animal. So he answers his questions with this latest experience, a sensation not yet acquired: the origin of humanity, his own, Asa's. If everyone's doing it, it must be good!!!

Sex is presented as two sides of the same coin in this part, as a kind of naive claim for Denji to move forward, to get out of his pain, but something that is constantly used against him, to manipulate him, that puts him in danger.

And once again, he begins to spot the danger, but can't fight it. Fumiko is the perfect example, a symbol of his sexual trauma to which Denji is completely subjected.

Denji is beginning to know that sex can be both positive and negative. But he also doesn't know how to discuss it, how to talk about it, especially to the girl he's interested in. As he thinks sex is something universally pleasurable so talking about it had to resonate in Asa as much as cats, dogs, ice cream. He presented something that was also traumatic in a beautiful light.

Denji wants a girlfriend, he wants to be loved and to love, yes. Even though love is rarely a pleasant experience, even a factor of despair.

Denji also wants to sleep with someone, yes something just as risky, or he consciously knows he can be used and manipulated for it.

Sex isn't Denji's way of being loved, it's like love, something as beautiful as it is traumatic. And Denji wants to experiment. Even if it means suffering. Because in suffering, there will always be pleasure.

CSM, the fruit of an act of love for Pochita and mourning for Denji, is above all the chimera of trauma.

Denji doesn't think he can get out of the trauma. He has experienced it so much that he now sees it as something necessary to experience. He doesn't confront suffering, he deflects it, even if it means suffering more.

How could Denji break out of this cycle?

By learning to trust.

And that's something he'll experience with a teenager who's distrustful, his opposite.

Both the attraction and the rejection of sex are normal reactions for two teenagers. But they are also two responses from the two protagonists to their own suffering.

Denji's obsession with sex is a desire to move forward, to tie the knot to the point of putting himself in danger. Asa's absolute rejection of contact is also symbolic of the fact that she no longer wants to suffer by connecting with others, even if it means suffering from her loneliness.

One is literally swept away by his suffering, while the other cuts off his own head to get some hope, accepting his suffering as necessary, even if it deprives him of his loved ones. And the result will be the same: solitude.

You can't throw yourself into someone's arms, just as you can't isolate yourself.

Loneliness will devour them if they don't bond with each other.

A relationship with someone you trust is enough.

[gabessquishytum]

Everyone seems to love warprize Hob so... what about something similar for Dream?

The Sun King has been fighting a war against the Endless kingdom for over a century. The Endless started it, and they're beginning to realize they can't win. They won't necessarily lose, but they definitely can't win.

So Time and Night offer their second oldest son in exchange for peace. Dream does not get a choice. The Sun King, Hob, agrees. He's tired of defending his kingdom, and Prince Dream is the most gorgeous creature he's ever seen. Time and Night immediately send Prince Dream to King Hob, no hesitation. Dream is certain he'll never see any of his siblings ever again (King Hob is not that cruel, his siblings can visit, but only if they behave)

Hob tries very hard to court Dream who is not having it. Hob's servants try to help after weeks of nothing and give Dream aphrodisiacs. Dream, unaware of what they are, eats them. The next thing he knows, he's on his back, on his bed, desperately trying to get off, but nothing is enough.

Hob comes in, and Dream immediately begins begging, pleading. He's so hot, and hard, and empty, won't his King fill him? Hob, unaware of the aphrodisiacs, takes Dream to pieces in what is the roughest, yet gentlest sex he's ever had; it's also undeniably the most satisfying. When Dream comes to the next morning, with the King wrapped tightly around him, he remembers everything. He's also certain that the King didn't actually have anything to do with the aphrodisiacs. He decides not to say anything. Anyone who can make him feel like that in bed deserves a chance to court him.

Weeks later, when Desire visits, they try to start shit with Dream, calling him a little whore for how easily and willingly he spreads for the King now. Hob is absolutely furious with the way Desire treats his beloved fiancé and nearly orders their execution. There is a reason the Endless feared him in the first place, you know.

- 🐺

Oh yes Dream can be warprized!! As a treat!!

King Hob gives me happy shivers because I imagine that he would generally be a fair ruler to his own people, but when it comes to the enemy in a war? He's merciless and terrifying. And he always holds a grudge, unless he gets adequate recompense or an apology.

Sending one of their princes is technically adequate recompense for the war, so Hob accepts the terms... and Dream turns up, absolutely agonised and terrified and so fucking angry. He's expecting Hob to be as awful as his own parents, but Hob is just like "wow super fucked up that you were sent here against your will, feel free to live your life as best as you can! I'm going to court you but you don't have to do anything unless you want to."

And Dream does NOT want to, so he gives Hob the silent treat... and tries to survive in his new life.

Unfortunately, Hob’s servants have questionable morals. While Hob is trying to make Dream feel safe and court him the old fashioned way, they... go for a different tactic. Dream ends up sweaty and naked in Hob’s bed, absolutely begging for some kind of relief.

(And ok, Hob isn't dumb. He knows what the symptoms of an aphrodisiac look like. He doesn't approve of what's been done to Dream, but he also can't waste the opportunity. At least he can make their first time together absolutely mind-blowing).

Hob is expecting Dream to hate him in the morning. Instead he wakes up with Dream’s mouth on his cock. All traces of the drug are gone, Dream is just... himself. And he's made a decision: if he's going to be the king’s pretty little plaything, he might as well be fucking good at it, and also have a great time. He can show his family that their actions mean nothing to him, now.

Desire shows up expecting to find Dream chained up to a wall somewhere. Instead, they find their big brother perched in the sun King's lap, wearing a diaphanous black robe that leaves nothing to the imagination... being hand fed a selection fruit. Desire is so annoyed. They wanted to see Dream humiliated, not cherished and loved!

Hob makes it very clear that Dream is his property now, and he won't stand for a him to be insulted in any way... Desire is already on thin fucking ice. They end up leaving early, metaphorical tail between their legs, to report back to the rest of the family that Dream is thriving. Damn him.