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woozi · 4 years ago

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Um this might be annoying but your descriptions on that mutuals as svt members was so wholesome! So I thought if you could name your mutuals and say what you like abt them? Your favorite thing about them kinda? Idk I thought it was cute but you don't have to do it if you don't want to ! 💚💚💚

i went through my following list and i think these are all of my carat mutuals/friends <3 i only included those who i'm mutuals with here on this blog, but with that in mind i hope i included the right people/and all of you! if not, i may have gotten confused with your main and sideblogs. :/ i divided this into 4 sections (because that's how i think of them in my head, lol). so, without further ado, here they are in the order of my following list (from the most recent):

caratblr

@leechaerok (mirelle) - mi!! i love how you are always striving to be positive and that this is something you share and extend to other people! you literally remind me of sunshine and i hope that only good things are coming ur way. ily!!

@ohoshi (cora) - cora my naughty (IN A PLAYFUL WAY) friend <3 cora's really fun to talk to and she keeps you on your toes. idk why i didn't follow her earlier (i didnt know i wasn't following her jsdjkdsjsdk). extremely talented!! also love the upbeat vibe.

@soonyoungs (cara) - same with cora, i've been seeing cara around but never got to interact with her until recently! i love how versatile cara is and how she always always always appreciates even the little things. 10/10 would let her visit my home again <3

@wrongnanab (aya) - i get mom/older sister friend vibes from aya and i think it suits her a lot. she’s also not afraid of reaching out and i love that sm about her!! i relate to her a lot and i love how she’s always there.

@junhaoshua (e) - something interesting always comes up every time i speak to e! i also love her initiative and how well she manages her time. she’s really passionate about the things she likes and i love how she can get people to be interested in them too!

@choibeomgyus (kale) - kale has excellent taste! i love her aes so much. <3 her work is particularly right up my alley and i just love how clean looking they are. kale’s also such a sweet friend, and she’s not shy about showing affection. i love her sm!!

@dokyom (izy) - izy’s one of the first carats i first followed when i got into caratblr and i’m so glad to have made that decision! her work always wows me and although we haven’t talked much, she’s one of the people i always look out for in here.

@seohoshi (nele) - nele, my mutual at heart. <3 the way we became mutuals is so funny and memorable to me, and i can’t say that about most people! i really like the way nele presents herself as well. she can have fun while still being collected, which i find really interesting. i think she’s someone who brings stability, but i can’t really explain why i get that from her. <3

@art-hao (carrie) - goddess on earth. so elegant. a literal virgo. i love how carrie doesn’t want to be too invested in one single thing. that being said, she’s multitalented, yet is skilled in each of the fields she’s venturing in. she also speaks what’s on her mind, and i admire that a lot. what can’t this woman do :/

@svtreasure (kate) - kate is one of the first people i got to talk to here on caratblr! and although she’s not on here that much, i always look forward to seeing her. i feel like i have to protect her like a younger sibling <3

@uriboogyu (lee) - lee definitely has feisty younger sibling vibes which i think is so cute! like carrie and e, she’s not afraid of saying what’s on her mind. lee is also such a go-getter! the future is very bright for this one <3

@smallkore (kore) - i remember first talking to kore after she tagged all 3 of my active blogs in one post, and i thought it was kind of funny <3 kore is super talented and entertaining! i also think she’s super interesting, and i love her strange picture collection. <3

@rq-s (katrina) - katrina is also one of the first few people who i interacted with here on caratblr! she is so supportive and always has a nice word for everyone. even though she isn’t here much, i always like seeing her around <3

@boosbin (isa) - iconic. legend. will kick your ass. my beloved <3 isa is SUPER talented and she never fails to amaze me. she’s also very relatable and is super fun to talk to! idk i’m just really fond of isa lol

@dk-s (zay) - i love zay’s sense of style and her overall aesthetic! she also is really smart and gets really invested in her interests. i love her dedication and initiative!

@scoupsy (dreamy) - dreamy and i haven’t really talked much aside from interactions here and there, but she’s someone i really admire. i love how she doesn’t take anyone’s shit and knows what she wants. she’s really skilled in her areas of interest and takes pride in her excellent work. love that about her!!

@julyprince (madison) - i was really shocked when madison followed me back because i love her work so much! i love how she is so consistent and dedicated (honestly, the constant 9 sets say it all <3). she’s intimidating at first, but she is actually so nice and likes reaching out!

@xuseokgyu (belle) - one of my treasured moots. belle is literally the seok to my soon. <3 she doesn’t know it, but i was kind of shy during my earlier days in caratblr, and she encouraged me to be myself just because she was always reaching out to me. i see belle as someone who really nurtures and is just a reliable older sister for me!

@haniehae (anna) - also one of my favorites <3 anna doesn’t really need too much words but u can always feel the love from her by her little tags here and there. she’s also super supportive and very appreciative of the little things! anna is such a cute person to have around. i lalso love how much work she puts into caratblr. also an amazing dancer oh my god???????

@jaemtens (kevin) - like dreamy, kevin and i haven’t really talked much, but i always love seeing him on the dash! one of the people i admire. it absolutely blows my mind how he has a phd (about to have one? :D) and that he’s still somehow able to make gifs (BEAUTIFULLY!) consistently. love that dedication, wish that were me!!

@tearsofsyrup (vi) - vi thinking of me and tagging me on cute stuff really just makes me feel so :’>. i love how easygoing vi is and i just feel light whenever we interact!!

@soonhoonsol (chey) - everyone’s bestie!! chey literally is the go-to person on caratblr. idk how she manages to do it but she’s always so nice to everyone and really does go out of her way to make everyone feel comfortable! chey has a special place in my heart, and my stay in caratblr wouldn’t be the same without her. <3

@iiasha (emily) - you all don’t understand how much i LOVE emily. i can’t even explain why i love her i just do. she’s also one of the first people i followed when i came on caratblr and i’m so glad to have met her here on our own personal hellsite. emily’s the perfect balance of smart, cool, and funny (this sentence sounds lame as fuck but idk how else to put it)! i appreciate how much she likes her job and that’s something i hope to also imitate! i’ve said it before but i also really love how generous she is. emily also made my stay here on caratblr very enjoyable and i always love reading her text posts <3 i think tumblr junation would nearly die without her so go thank her rn. (she also spotted me turning full dinonara without me even noticing that i am one so. <3 /mwah/)

@coupsnim (izzie) - izzie gives me calm artsy vibes. her work is always stunning omg. queen of red lips (and i think it’s so fitting bc it suits cheol the best imo???). ALSO love how much she loves cheol!! izzie’s just a sweetheart. <3 would also support ur 0 note posts, lol.

@kyeomshine (lyns) - lyns coloring queen <3 i looove how clean and cohesive her work always is! she’s also one of the people who encouraged me to stay here on caratblr (although she doesn’t know it!!). and though we don’t see lyns as much nowadays, i still think of her as the resident dk fan <3 one of the memorable people for me.

@heartgyus (rhys) - my sister (dISGUSTANG!!). my enemy. THE mutual to have homoerotic subtext with. rhys is actually my closest friend on caratblr. she’s multitalented, almost all-knowing, and has prettie vibes. i’m not elaborating anymore from here on out because i just know she’s gonna be a little devil about it on the dms. 🙄

@hanwooz (kellie & christine) - one of my absolute favorite blogs! i think of them as one of the constants of caratblr. i absolutely love their posts sm and just enjoy when they’re around!! (and how do ur gifs always look good omg tell me ur secrets pls <3)

@7ww (yasmin) - one of my favorite (if not my favorite) gfx maker!! i love how you can immediately tell something is from her because of their trademark look. we haven’t talked yet, but she’s one of my favorite carats!

@mngys (sofi) - coolest person in the world. idk why we’re even mutuals i don’t deserve this <3 sofi always has the coolest ideas and i look up to her sm!! i’ve also seen her from the birdie community before i got into caratblr so i’ve been following her for quite some time now, but we became mutuals here!

aes carats

@vixenjun (kaya) - another one of my beloveds <3 i always say kaya is funnie and sexie but she really is, and those are always the first words i think of when i’m reminded of her. one of my absolute favorites. a bestie that's close to my heart. <3

@tiddie (deniz) - i don’t see deniz posting much about svt anymore, but deniz is one of my first carat moots (i followed aes carats first). this one really witnessed my jeonghan downfall. :/ so funny. is a great friend!!

@bwaldorf (ramasha) - A SWEETHEART!! ramasha and i don’t talk much anymore but when i think of her i only am reminded of good things. i rmb how much she supported my weird posts back then <3 also iconic aes hello????

@vernons (oona) - oona and i are literally just vibing here <3 i actually met her from the aes side of tumblr before i got into caratblr (like deniz) and discovered that she’s also a carat! i really like oona’s presence and i just feel like she’s someone i want to protect. <3 also makes amazing pastries. she’s also so pretty!!!!! (i really like ur hair sm i think i’ve said this before lol) a cute friend. would send u things saying ‘this reminded me of u’, and i’d get heart attacks from it jsdjdjksd

@oldbooks (fawn) - my frog friend. i think it’s so cute that fawn shares this agenda with hao <3 also unexpectedly tags you on things and leaves cute little notes/tags that makes me want to :’). sophisticated taste!! also really friendly. ily!!

@scoups (hani) - hani is so friendly and takes really good care of her friends!! i was intimidated of her at first, but learnt that she’s an absolute sweetheart. i love how she’s also giving us sm svt content when she’s around! hani’s a supportive friend that you’ll always find yourself looking for.

@snwo (joy) - refined taste. funny text post advocate. i love joy’s vibe sm!! i first got to know her when she had a hao url and i was super intimidated of her. now she’s one of my absolute besties! aside from her impeccable taste, she’s also such a great friend. this one always has ur back. ily ms joy <3

@sataemism (sof) - sof literally the funniest person in the world!! i’m always happy to see her and she brings me so much joy. very lowkey chaotic vibe (the taemin and hoshi urls speak a lot abt this lol), and just a very fun person overall!!

birdie carats

@flowerbeom (kat) - kat, like the rest of those in this category, is someone i’ve been following for a while now as i came back to tumblr because of got7. kat and i haven’t really talked much but always interact with rb/s and likes and i love that JSDJSDKJDSJ that being said kat’s tags are always so enjoyable to read. + it’s so funny as well that when we actually got to talking we didn’t realize we had a lot in common! a very generous friend. gave me a yugyeom pc even though i’m literally from another continent. 😭

@tuanzie (joanna) - content queen. i looove how joanna’s work has a trademark look to them! they’re always so gorgeous and smooth-looking. i love how joanna’s able to speak her mind and would not take shit from people. i see her as someone brave, but not too out there! also someone you can rely on to put reposters on hit lists mwah<3

@gotseventeens (belle) - my name twin <3 belle is actually one of the people/reasons why i got into svt and i’m eternally grateful to her for that!! we’ve been talking since i first became a birdie but somehow we both have 0 recollections of our conversations JSDJDKSJKSDJ tumblr wouldn’t be as fun for me if belle weren’t around ngl. i love how she seems to be mature yet you’re also up for a wild ride with her!! she’s my own personal wonu <3

@secndlife (karoline) - i’ve also been following karoline since i was a birdie, but we only became mutuals here! i love her writing so much and i enjoy seeing her lose her mind over hoshi (mood <3)

@defgyus (val) - i often associate belle with val and i think they have a lot of similarities!! val also gives me the mature yet fun vibe. i think val’s so successful and i admire her a lot!! i love her work sm and just love how she interacts with people. very warm and homey!!

more carat moots i haven't really talked to but enjoy seeing on the dash

@emailclub (emily), @kyeomblr (maddie), @joshuahong (bea), @delicatecy (deli), @mintyseoks, @syuperseventeen (nat), @haol (mali), @svtclub (hannah), @cutiejoshi (siri), @chanswu (mandy), @jeonghannie (myrena), @squishy-woozi (kris), @wonwooo (hiba), @rameniji (rain), @cafevernon (ish), @hoshluv, @minghyu (nicole), @mingyiu (katya), @yeol (tat), @dearkyeom (kristy), @seokgyus (kai), @bbaksu (akemi), @1adyluck (sushi), @shineesbag (gen)

#i didn't know i had this many mutuals lol #and i just figured out i was mutuals with some just now sdkjkjdkjsd #also #are u my mutual anon <3 #y.ask #anon

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hopefullystillatheatrestudent · 4 years ago

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*sigh*

about the whole ‘do not ship real people. ever’ argument i’m gonna HAVE to say my piece on it and then i’m gonna shut up forever because i’ve heard it ALL and i just have to get all my thoughts out there even if no one reads them

i don’t know how else to explain i have never once ‘shipped’ something ever in my whole life. i have merely perceived and enthused over what EXISTS. like, correct me if i’m wrong, but....what would you ever get out of shipping two people who AREN’T actually together??? what is the point? you don’t get anything out of that; i mean, it sounds pretty exhausting and sad to look for proof where there is none. and they don’t get anything out of that. THAT is where it absolutely becomes gross and creepy and i have no respect for rps like that. septiplier is a PRIME example, where both people involved have gone on the record saying it destroys relationships because of course it does! why don’t people have any common sense! which is why my rule is to never let myself ‘ship’ something unless they are indisputably an item, and THAT’S where the cardinal rule of ‘don’t ship real people’ gets fuzzy.

i have been around the block in terms of rps HEAVILY with dan and phil. i have also engaged in a small way with joey and lauren(richpez) and reeve carney and eva noblezada from hadestown.(i have been correct in my assumptions[that they are in fact together] all three times so.....yeah, i kind of know what i’m on about) and from my well-versed experience, the essence and entertainment factor of rps is kind of the whole investigative nature? we become body language analysts and experts and stories resurface as do old tweets that when you put everything together, the natural conclusion(that yeah duh they’re obviously dating) would be super hard to ignore. and here is my thesis: shipping real people is fine as long as, 1. you have REALLY good reason to believe they are in fact in a relationship, to a point where it’s undeniable and 2. the speculation stays ONLINE, AWAY FROM THE PARTIES INVOLVED. both of these two coinciding statements have to be true for me to get behind it in any way.

anytime one of those rules are broken is when things get SUPER messy, and SUPER harmful SUPER fast. i’m gonna use dan and phil as an example again because i know what happened there the best. i’ve heard countless stories of people going right up to dan and asking who tops and who bottoms. there have been more than one instance of people going to meet and greets purely to corner them both and ask if they’re in a relationship. and props to dan and phil for putting themselves out there and risking...you know, those kind of interactions. because what the actual fuck. and yes, dan and phil are together, have been since 2009(and if you disagree i literally do not know how to explain that you are both blind and being willfully heteronormative), but that doesn’t give anyone the right to play an active part in it. witness it, sure. speculate with like minded individuals on tumblr? of course. but when you cross lines, and you KNOW you’re crossing lines..that is super, super uncomfortable for everyone involved. i do not disagree that that sort of thing is seriously stupid and harmful, which dan also confirmed in his coming out video that that sort of thing quite literally scarred him for life. just imagine how dehumanizing it would be, for people to perceive you as, not a person, but one half of a ship on the internet? and to feel entitled enough as to literally ask them about them it? gross. creepy. weird.

BUT! youtube clip analysis posts on tumblr is NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING DISRESPECTUL. honestly, any posting on tumblr(again! AWAY from the parties involved) is NOT THE SAME THING. talking about them in youtube or tiktok comment sections, not the same thing. and i’m talking about specific ships here, LIKE cockles, because they are what prompted this post from me.

i am not saying you have to agree with those type of posts, but like...just leave them alone? maybe? and if you call me crazy, i’m gonna laugh at you, because i know what i’m talking about and i could blow your mind.

to go even further, and i’ll use my two comfort couples as examples: on some level(WITH COUPLES THAT ACTUALLY EXIST), they probably, definitely appreciate being shipped. think about it. not the invasive aspects of it, like asking about what they do in private and investigating their addresses so you could maybe stalk them(which has happened and i think larry stylinson got it worse? i’m avoiding that whole thing because it sounds like an otherworldly mess). i’m talking the best part of it, which is seeing and sharing clips of them looking at each other and saying ‘they look so in love here’. both of my couples have terms coined after these types of things...’heart eyes howell’ ‘love eyes lester’ and the ‘unicorn laugh’ all come to mind.(misha doesn’t have a term but boy does he have the expressions) i mean, if you were in a relationship, and people saw how happy you were, and just like, basked in that happiness online, that’s kind of beautiful, no? i would want that.

and about my actual post where people are like ‘go outside. stop shipping real people this is crazy’ ...does my posting about an interview answer jensen gave in 2016 seriously hurt anyone in any way? really? maybe,,,,don’t interact with posts that aren’t to your own personal taste? again, jensen literally SAID THOSE THINGS. jensen and misha SAY CRAZY THINGS LIKE THAT. they SHARE ANNIVERSARY POSTS. THEY MAKE JOKES ABOUT THEM HAVING SEX 24/7. THEY ARE PUTTING A GUN TO OUR HEADS AND FORCING US TO WITNESS THEM. jensen SAID that answer because that’s the furthest he can go without completely outing himself as a bi, poly man and i’m simply seeing that and reacting to it, just like he wants me to. i don’t feel wrong or weird for any analysis posts when it comes to them because they are actively egging us on and actually do want us to know. so.

i guess i’m ranting because i resent being called, like, a crazy shipper fangirl or something. i am not crazy. or stupid. and i have a brain and would never cross any lines. and maybe consider why ships like cockles and phan gained so much traction in the first place. maybe consider we’re not reaching and never have been. on that note, maybe consider why DESTIEL gained so much traction when tptb never intended for it to happen. ...

#ethics of rps #ethics of rpf #anti rps for ts #cockles #dan and phil #phan #jensenxmisha #myposts #larry stylinson #septiplier #rps #rpf

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thedreadvampy · 4 years ago

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ok look please understand that it is absolutely normal to want to live with your best friends, have casual sex with your friends, raise kids with your friends, and keep your friends as the most important people in your life.

whether it's a qpr or not, that's normal and it's healthy.

I think people are often encouraged to think that the historical, traditional expectation is to put your partner before your friends but that isn't...really true? men have very rarely been expected to have a stronger social connection with their partners than their friends, and the only reason women have been expected to centre romantic relationships is because they've historically been socially and financially dependent on making and maintaining a strong relationship.

that isn't to say that your partner shouldn't be as important as your friends. after all, at least in my social setting, relationships aren't a primarily financial and political arrangement - hopefully you are with your partner because they're a good friend to you as well as a partner.

like it's cheesy to say but Sam and Kofi are some of my best friends and that's a big part of our relationship. but like. they aren't the only friends I'm that close to. I'm differently close to, say, my friends Alex and Jake (who I think are probably the most important people in my life), or my friend Joe (who I've lived with in a mutually supportive way for 5 years), or my friend Courtney (who I hook up with regularly and love dearly) or my friend Lesedi (who I have very seriously considered co-parenting a child with) but I'm not less close to them.

and this isn't a Weird Me Thing either. like:

probably about half the people I know have housemates who they've lived with, moved house with multiple times, and who are as intimately involved with their lives as their romantic partners, often more

where I grew up and most places I've been, most people have "aunties" - your mum's best friends who stepped in to help with the kids and who are part of the family. I myself traveled down half the country regularly to help support a friend who was a lone parent while his son was little, from looking after a baby for days at a time to helping him look for daycares and booking doctors appointments, and that's super normal - when I and most of my friends were kids we were all used to spending up to 1/3 of our week at a parent's best friend's house. that's literally a big chunk of the role godparents play in many people's lives too. it takes a village to raise a child and formally or informally most cultures expect that the parents' close friends will chip in and love and care for the child.

Most adults I know have at least one friend who they carve out at least a few hours a week to spend time with - go to the cinema, go for a coffee, cook dinner, catch up and vent and offer emotional support.

Friends with benefits? totally a really thing whatever people tell you, it doesn't have to be emotionally romantic and often actively feels weird to be

It's normal to grieve when a friendship ends and it often affects people as deeply or more deeply than a relationship ending

like, this isn't to say that a lot of media messaging posits this sort of stuff as immature/less important (and for men, the dreaded A Bit Gay) but that messaging actively runs counter to how most people live their lives in the real world, and you know. in a film when someone finds a partner they become the Most Important Thing In Their Lives. in real life most of your friends will agree you're being kind of a jerk if you consistently blow them off in favour of your partner at any age.

and I think the thing that concerns me is the degree to which the idea that you're expected as an adult to choose between romance and maintaining close, meaningful friendships is uncritically absorbed and reflected in how a lot of otherwise very thoughtful people talk about relationships, romance, sex and friendships.

like if your expectation is that having intimate friendships can only happen if you don't have important/lasting romantic/sexual relationships, or that having a relationship means you can't have or want friendships deeper than casual hangouts and occasional Emotion Chats...like, that will harm you.

Not everyone wants or needs romantic/sexual relationships, true, but everyone, regardless of whether they also want that, needs supportive and meaningful and lasting friendships as part of a fully actualised social life. As I say, those needs might be met by some of the same people (I've been in a relationship with Sam for 9 years, but we've been friends since I was 14 and while I can imagine a life where we're not dating or having sex, I genuinely can't bear to imagine a life without his friendship) but emotionally close friendships are still a genuine need.

(plus honestly if the only place you can get emotional closeness is a sexual/romantic partner, that's a very vulnerable place to be in. both for you and for them. It's not good to only have one person you have a serious, close, mutually supportive emotional relationship with - ime most people do best with like 4 or 5 close friends minimum (one or more of whom may or may not be their sexual/romantic/queerplatonic partner)

and this is where I'm dipping a toe into the Spicy (shitty) Discourse, because I don't at a object to the idea of queerplatonic relationships (I don't necessarily understand them, but honestly I haven't understood anything since 1999) it worries me how many people defend the idea of qpps by saying WOULD YOU DO X WITH A FRIEND????

and I understand the defensive impact bc tbh when people say "explain the difference between a queerplatonic partner and a friend" they are very rarely asking in good faith - they've already decided that aro/ace people Just Want To Be Special and that qpps are a Stupid Tumblr Queer Concept.

and it's a shitty question anyway imo because like. I know there's a difference between friends-with-benefits and Girlfriends on an emotional level, or between a friend and a non-sexual romantic relationship. I know there's a difference and most of these people would agree but if you asked me to draw a hard line to define This is Not Romantic and This is Romantic I'd be stumped. it's an emotional reality not a behavioural one so it's not a clearcut concept and it may be different for everyone

B u t

When people respond to this (shitty, bad-faith) question by insisting "friends don't kiss! friends don't live together! friends don't co-raise kids!" they are just flatly Wrong. And it's a really weak argument because of that, because people will just say 'yeah we literally do, a qpp is a normal friendship, qed' and that's. Uh. Based on what's been said that's kind of a reasonable conclusion? because those things are all normal friendship things for a lot of adults.

there are many possible arguments for the term queerplatonic. it's about describing an emotional connection that isn't quite romantic. it's a way of clarifying that your intention is to commit to spending your life with someone. it's a way to define the expectations you have of your relationship. but ultimately it's not your job to justify this to anyone. many people (me included) might not understand exactly what a qpp means to you, but that doesn't mean we have any right to go 'that's meaningless' or talk it down if it isn't hurting anyone

but like. these specific types of defences of qpps (the "qpps are Important Vital Relationships and friends are just People You Don't Mind Spending Time With" attitude) are harmful, both to people not in qpps and to people in qpps

Exceptionalising the idea of having friends you love like family, who are the most important people in your life, who you might choose to live with or share your life with or be the person you'd trust with your children/your wellbeing/your health? That's dangerous!

and it takes us no closer to adequately valuing close friendships to say "close friendships are what QPPs are and they're a direct replacement for romantic/sexual partnerships". we can have both, and we should feel able have both. not necessarily both a qpp and a relationship, but both a life partner (sexual/romantic/queerplatonic) and other friends who are intimate parts of our lives and families. That's such a profoundly vital part of being queer particularly but also just of being, and it stresses me that people think that's a Special Kind of Relationship not a normal close friendship.

#ok I'm tagging this because it may or may not be Discourse #ace discourse #but TO BE CLEAR it is NOT my opinion that qprs are Not A Thing #it's just that I'm getting a bit into the ways i think some of the ways people to about them can be problematic #so i just don't want anyone to be caught off guard by that #people to about = people talk about. sorry typo

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ropebunnykant · 4 years ago

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So, I genuinely wasn’t planning on making one of these because I’m really not the best when it comes to expressing my feelings in words. However, I also wasn’t expecting to get tagged in the amount of these that I did tbh. I never really think of myself as someone that’s gonna be noticed all that often, I guess, and I’m also not exactly the most social of people even on here. But, the fact that I have been tagged in so many of these truly warms my heart and I do wanna say thank you to everyone that tagged me in one because it really touched me and made me feel so very loved. 💙

Before this year, it’s been about three years since I’ve actively been involved in any sort of fandom. I’ve watched things, I’ve engaged with things, and this blog has remained pretty active with me mostly just reblogging stuff for the last few years, but I didn’t really have any sort of place in any fandom and I certainly didn’t have any mutuals that I interacted with. This year, I finally started engaging more. While it was Lucas’s season that pushed me to get into Skam in the first place, it was Robbe’s that pushed me to start interacting more with the fandom. There really is nothing to compare watching that season live to, the fandom experience during that time was truly unique and one of my favorite parts about it and it’s exactly what drew me into becoming apart of it all.

I really didn’t expect to end up making so many friends, finding so many talented and wonderful people that I would love interacting with and I am truly grateful to just be here and experience it all.

Now for some individual appreciation 💙💙

@perfectsilence22 I tell you all the time how much I adore you and how much I appreciate you, but of course you gotta be top of my list here!! You’re truly one of my favorite people to talk to, to share theories with, or to even just see on my dash. It truly blows my mind how there are so many things the could have kept us from being friends, but I’ll gladly thank whatever it is that ended up pushing us together because I can’t imagine what it would be like not having you in my life. I love you so much 💙

@fatoudixon You know according to Tumblr, we’ve only been mutuals for about two months? It’s absolutely crazy to me that that’s the case, because not quote Robbe, but it sometimes feels like I’ve known you my whole life. I have no idea what it was that compelled you to message me, what it was the even got us to follow each other in the first place, but I’m truly grateful that it happened because talking to you is just the best part of my day a lot of the time. I know we make jokes about being unlucky because we’re the sobbe that are separated by an ocean, but in a lot of ways, I still feel so lucky that the universe brought us together anyway. I love you, baby 💙💙

@tsjernobyl Emma!! You’re one of my favorite blogs on here, and like I said when you followed me, I really wasn’t expecting it lol. But I’m grateful that you did because you’re definitely one of my faves to see on my dash and to interact with. You gifs and art are always so creative and beautiful and your presence in general just brings so much warmth 💙

@sonderthroughthestreets / @embeddedinmybrain Tasfia, you are truly one of the sweetest souls I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. You’re so sweet and supportive and any time I get an ask from you or just see you on my dash, I smile. There’s a reason your emoji is the sun, and it’s cause you’re like a ray of sunshine ☀️. Also, you’re just a crazy talented writer and I can’t wait to see what you have in store for the future!!

@robbesdriesen Bianca, not only are you just so kind, but you’re also just one my favorite writers. I haven’t gotten a chance to reach your new fic (25K girl, how do you do it?) but I know it’s gonna be amazing like all of your others. You’re writing is so beautiful, which really just reflects the wonderful person you are as well 💙

@zoesrobbe My emo over the flatshare buddy! Lmao, as much as I curse you for it when make me miss them, I’m definitely also grateful for it, not just cause I’m soft for them but also because it usually means seeing your wonderful gifs. You’re so very talented when it comes to gif making, be it the coloring of the effects or the custom shapes added over, it all just adds up to truly gorgeous sets that always make me happy whenever I see them on my dash. Not to mention that you’re just such a lovely person on top of all that talent 😘

@suburbanenigma Carmen! We really haven’t gotten to talk much, but your shitposts are always some of my favorite things to see on my dash. You’re so funny and I definitely hope we get to talk more in the future 💙

Because I have a lot of mutuals that I haven’t really interacted with a whole lot, I’m gonna add a little section here to just thank all of you as well. I’m not the best at talking to people but know that I appreciate and love all of you as well and seeing you guys one my dash always makes me smile 💙

@dagcutie @mrijzermans @birthdaysentiment @joanabianchi @nyttvera @gele-gordijnen @annonymannonym @sanderxrobbee @mirroroferisedx @angel-necklace @itubainaretro @welcometo-saturn @sander-klaas @driesenrobbe @jebentnietalleen

Thank you so much to all of you and I wish all of you a very happy New Year!

#I love you guys 💙💙💙#mutuals 💙

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hanniiesuckle17 · 5 years ago

Text

Just For A Week

WARNINGS: Swearing, partial smut (Maybe but like not really but also like just gonna but it in for Tumblr’s algorithm), drinking

Summary: Seungmin and Y/n have been friends for years. Their schedules finally coincide and they decide to take a vacation for a week. However, it is a little too expensive for both of their wallets. Y/n finds a discount that is just perfect for them. The only thing is that they have to pretend to be married.

Genre: Romance, friends to lovers!au, fake marriage!au

“Are you serious??” I screamed into the phone. Hearing his laugh on the other end made me smile even wider. “Yeah! I’m off schedule all of next week.”

Seungmin was always busy as of late. There was always some variety show, practice, or tour that kept him occupied. I hadn’t seen my best friend in what felt like forever. My apartment didn’t feel normal if Seungmin wasn’t in it and rearranging my things constantly.

“We have to do something. This is never going to happen again.” I could hear him pulling out his laptop and his fingers tapping on the keys. “Let’s go on a trip. Just us. Like when we were younger!” My mind flashed back to Seungmin’s trainee days where we would get on a random train with $200 and spend a weekend somewhere fun and new.

“I’m down.” Seungmin tapped some more and listed locations all around Korea. “I’d rather go to the beach, especially while it’s warm out.” He hummed in response and looked some more. “What about Jeju? There is a resort right on the beach. They have one room left…and two beds! Also, they are offering a discount!”

“Seungmin book the damn room before someone else does!” I said with a laugh. “And done!” Both of us cheered over the phone. We made plans and bought plane tickets for two days from now. It had been so long since I had seen Seungmin. We still texted a lot and there was the occasional facetime, but I still missed him. Even with all his quirks and weird slightly annoying antics. Happily, I threw clothes and swimsuits into my suitcase and begin to fantasize about my upcoming vacation with my best friend.

The plane ride was uneventful. Seungmin and I met at the airport and a great reunion was made. We both slept on the plane and when we landed in Jeju, we immediately rented a car to take us to the hotel. Seungmin drove us to the beautiful resort and parked in the circular driveway as hotel staff came and retrieved out bags. As I stepped out of the car the sundress I was wearing blew slightly in the wind. Seungmin thanked the attendants and walked over to me with a smile. “A little swankier than our normal adventures isn’t it?” I joked as we walked inside.

The woman and the desk greeted us with a smile. “Hello, welcome to our wonderful hotel! Are you checking in?” Seungmin nodded and replied, “ Yes, the room should be under Kim Seungmin.” She tapped on her computer and a bright smile lifted her already high cheeks. “Wonderful. Here is your key card and congratulations you two!”

“I’m sorry, what do you mean ‘congratulations’?” I asked. Seungmin looked confused as well. The woman’s smile faltered. “It says here your discount is for newlyweds. We are a very popular honeymoon destination. Was there a mistake-”

“No! Thank you. My wife and I were just wondering that’s all.” Seungmin said latching an arm around my shoulder. I gave her a hopefully not too fake-looking smile. “We also have many tourist attractions near the campus perfect for young couples. Would you like a brochure for LoveIsland?”

“NO!” “NO!”

We both exclaimed a little too loud. The lady looked shocked and very confused but slowly pulled the brochure back from on top of the counter. I cleared my throat and placed a hand on Seungmin’s chest. “What we mean is, we already have the planned itinerary the hotel sent and we really just want some time to relax in our room.” A small smile quirked up at the edge of her lips and I instantly regretted my choice of words. “Well, we hope you enjoy your stay. Dinner is served at eight. Please do not hesitate to ask us for anything at all. Your bags will be brought shortly.”

Once Seungmin and I were a safe distance down the hall from the lobby our facade dropped. “What the hell, Seungmin?” He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “I’m sorry! I didn’t know! All I saw were the words discount!” I stared at him in disbelief. “Why did you agree with her? We are not married. That’s lying! This might be fraud!”

“Y/n have you seen how expensive this place is? This gets us a discount on literally everything! Why can’t we just pretend for a week?” Seungmin stood in front of our door fiddling with the card. Just as the words left his mouth a couple maybe a year or two older than us walked out of the room next door. A snarky smirk latched itself onto the beautiful girl’s face as she clung to her husband’s arm.

“Oh, trouble in paradise already?” She said in a silky smooth voice. “Hope the rest of your honeymoon goes better.” The man said. He looked like he came straight out of a Calvin Klein ad. With just a quick glance between each other, we had already agreed that these two were agreeably the worst people on the entire planet with huge sticks up their asses. Instantly I latched myself onto Seungmin’s arm and laid my head on his shoulder.

“Don’t mind us. If we are too loud by the way, just knock on the door. We’ll try to keep it down, but no promises.” Seungmin said with a new air of confidence as he laced his fingers with mine. A shocked look plastered itself onto the couple’s face. “The same goes for you too. We can also get pretty loud, so just knock.” With that, the man and woman strutted down the hall and towards the pool.

“Okay, now we have to sell this,” I said with a frustrated sigh. “I don’t know why but I really want to kick their ass,” Seungmin said through gritted teeth as he still stared down the hallway. “I know right! We are a fake couple and we are totally already less fake than them. And better too!” “And better too!” Seungmin said in agreement as he opened the door to our hotel room. I froze at the sight.

“Why is there one bed?” Seungmin asked as he tossed his stuff onto the couch.

“I thought you said there were two beds?”

“Yeah, it said double beds!” I pinched the bridge of my nose and tried not to scream.

“Min, did it say double beds…or a double bed?”

“A double bed. What’s the difference?”

“Seungmin a double bed means that it is one bed! A bed that is double the size of a normal bed!”

He looked at the bed in defeat. “Shit.” I sat down, the white comforter soft against my bare legs. “It’s fine we can share the bed.” The words came out more like a sigh. There was a silence that fell over the room. After a moment, I couldn’t help but laugh. Then Seungmin started laughing too. “This is a great way to start our vacation, isn’t?” I said through soft laughter. “Definitely will be memorable.”

I sighed and kicked off my shoes. “I’m gonna shower. Do you want to go swimming after?” With a smile, I nodded and grabbed my phone from my purse. Seungmin closed the door of the bathroom and I saw the light turn on from under the door. I walked over to the nightstand to plug in my phone until I realized I forgot my charger. Remembering some hotels put chargers in the drawers I opened it only to let out a scream a the contents.

Seungmin burst through the bathroom door and ran to me on the other side of the bed. “What? What’s wrong?” I laughed and pointed to the drawer. “Sorry, it just shocked me.” Seungmin pulled open the drawer further to reveal an entire string of condoms branded with the hotel’s name as well as a bottle of lube and ironically a bible. “That’s funny in a twisted sort of way,” Seungmin said with a chuckle.

A blush rushed to my cheeks when I realized in his hurry to make sure I was okay, Seungmin didn’t put his shirt back on and only stood bare-chested in his jeans. I had always known Seungmin was attractive, it was kind of a requirement for being an idol. But, it was astonishing and ironic that I was just now noticing the fact as he was standing in front of me- shirtless- and holding a string of condoms.

Maybe it was just the fact that I hadn’t gotten laid since the beginning of university? Yeah. That made sense. Seungmin returned to his shower and I started unpacking. We spent the afternoon playing in the pool and relaxing on the pool deck. It was so nice to catch up with Seungmin and hear what he had been doing. Seungmin had called ahead and confirmed it was a private property and no press would be allowed on campus.

“Okay, so what does our fake honeymoon package get us?” I asked flipping over onto my stomach so the sun could reach my back. Seungmin lounged on the beach chair next to me, his brown hair blowing slightly in the breeze. He pulled out his phone to answer my question.

“We get a dinner experience with all the rest of the couples, several planned activities, spa package, and we have tickets to the Jeju music festival at the end of the week.” Seungmin scrolled more on his phone, reading something else on the hotel website. A young waiter came by carrying a tray of drinks. “Would you like one, beautiful?” He said leaning down and giving me a wink. My cheeks started to heat up as I gratefully took one of the Mai Tais.

“Hey, chill. That’s my wife you’re flirting with!” Seungmin said standing up in front of the waiter. I tried to hide my shock at his reaction. “Sorry, dude! I didn’t see a ring. My bad!” The ring! Oh my god, we were so stupid. “Oh- I left it in the room, babe. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to lose it.” I interjected quickly, hoping to distract from the fact that Seungmin and I had no actual explanation for not wearing wedding bands.

The waiter stared as I wrapped my arm around Seungmin’s waist, drink in my other hand. “I apologize,” He said before walking off. Just when we thought we were out of the woods, “What was that commotion all about?” Walking up-of course looking like she came out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog- was the woman from before, her husband trailing behind. “Oh, it was nothing! I left my ring on the nightstand so I wouldn’t lose it-” “And the cabana boy over there just started hitting on her. I took care of it. Seungmin wrapped his arms around my waist and moved behind me.

The lady scoffed before holding up her hand. “I would never take off my ring! It’s too precious.” She said smiling at her husband next to her. Her ring was huge and sparkled in the light. It had to cost at least $10,000. The woman herself was drowning in designer and expensive products. I mean she was wearing heels at the god damn swimming pool.

“I don’t think we have been properly introduced. My name is Kwon Si Hyun and this is my wife, Jin Ae.” She waved politely but that arrogant smirk was still stuck on bother her and her spouse’s face. The sight of it just made me want to smack her. Instead, I put on my nicest smile and my hand found Seungmin’s cheek resting on my shoulder.

“I’m Y/n and this is my amazing husband, Kim Seungmin.” Seungmin smiled, but I could see he was just as disgusted as I was. “Kim Seungmin? Why is that so familiar?” The man asked shaking his head. Jin Ae’s face lit up. “Yah! You are an idol! From that group Stray something!” Seungmin’s grip tightened and he tried to hide his annoyance. “Yeah, Stray Kids.”

She playfully smacked her husband’s broad chest. “I knew we should come back here! They are always saying celebrities stay here!” She eyed Seungmin up and down and instantly I felt very angry. “Yeah! Minnie is great! He is just so busy all the time so I am left by myself so much.” I turned around to face Seungmin and took his face in my hands. He glanced over at Si Hyun and Jin Ae briefly before smiling back at me.

“I know how that is! Running my company can be time-consuming, that’s why I take Jin Ae out so much like this.” Si Hyun gave her a playful smack on the ass before kissing her cheek making her squeal. Slowly Seungmin and I inched apart. Jin Ae grabbed my hands. “Kim Y/n, we should play while our husbands talk about business!” Before I could object she dragged me off to the other side of the pool towards the hot tub. I gave Seungmin a sorry look over my shoulder as I watched Si Hyun clap him on the back and hand him a beer.

Two hours later I slammed open the door of our hotel room. Seungmin let out a gasp from where he lay on the bed, dropping his phone. “Hey! Don’t scare me like that.” Seungmin had changed into jeans and a shirt and was playing on his phone, while I was standing cold in my bikini from sitting in the pool for hours.

“I hate her.”

“I hate him.”

“I want to smack that fake tan and boob job right off her.”

“Be careful they’re right next door!” Seungmin said with a laugh. He tossed me a towel from the counter. Quickly drying off, I sat on the edge of the chair. “We need rings if we are gonna pull this off.” He nodded from the bed. “All Jin Ae would talk about was how she and I would make such great friends and how we should meet up and drink daiquiris when we get back to Seoul. She’ll take me shopping because my swimsuit is just so last season.” I said mocking her high pitched voice.

I turned and walked to the dresser. I didn’t notice the way Seungmin’s eyes followed me as if just now realizing I was standing before him in a bikini and water still on my skin. “Okay well, I could find a pawn shop near here and get some rings?” I nodded pulling out a dress to wear for dinner. “If you leave now you have just enough time to make it back and change for dinner.” He shrugged. “What’s so important about dinner?”

“Another happy coincidence, “ I said dryly pulling some heels out of my bag- a pair that I had wanted to hopefully go clubbing in. “Jin Ae asked around and managed to get us switched to her table…for the rest of the week. apparently, we are now their partner couple. You know all those awesome activities. Thanks to that bitch we are doing it with them!” I said throwing the towel onto the bed.

Seungmin walked over and took my hand. “Hey. We can still have fun okay? Anywhere I am with you I’ll have fun.” He looked at me sincerely and pulled me into a hug. “You’re the best, Min.” With a sigh, he pulled away and grabbed his keys and wallet. “Okay. I’m off to get us wedding rings! Wow. I never thought I’d say those words.” He laughed and exited the room leaving me an hour to get ready for dinner with the dreaded Kwons.

Dressed in a nice white dress that hugged my curves and my favorite pair of blue pumps I played with my earrings waiting for Seungmin in the lobby. He ran up to me, hair styled and his shirt was switched our for a dress shirt he had half-tucked. I couldn’t deny the fact he looked good. He eyed me up and down before handing me something.

Opening my hand revealed a beautiful silver diamond ring. “Seungmin! This must have cost a fortune!” My eyes went wide as I tried to keep my voice down. I watched as Seungmin slipped a matching silver band onto his left hand. Seungmin smiled. “No, it’s okay! Think of it as a gift.” Seungmin took the ring from you and gently pushed it onto your ring finger on your left hand.

“So, better half, you ready for an excruciatingly long dinner?” Seungmin said with a laugh, offering me his arm. “Only for you.” Together we ventured outside to the huge outdoor restaurant. The ceiling was covered with vines, plants, and dangling lanterns. The hostess greeted us with a bright smile. One that seemingly everyone in the hospitality industry had. Did they have a class for it or something?

“Name?”

“Kim? Kim Seungmin.”

“Ah right here! If you and your wife would follow me this way to your table for the week.”

Grabbing two menus, she led us through the beautiful restaurant and to our table in the middle of the floor. Not surprisingly, Kwon Si Hyun and Kwon Jin Ae were already seated and sipping on wine. “Don’t forget to smile,” Seungmin whispered through clenched teeth. Nodding I put on the absolute nicest smile I could manage and waved to Jin Ae. Seungmin sat beside me and next to Si Hyun. The minute I sat down Jin Ae pulled my hand to look at my ring.

“Yah Kim Seungmin! You have such classy taste. Maybe a little understated compared to mine, but who could compare to me!” She said with a snobby laugh. Seungmin took my other hand and laced his fingers with mine atop the table. Maybe it was the drive to prove we were better than this snobbish egotistical couple, but things like this with Seungmin were starting to become more natural and it made me wonder.

“Y/n is the only pretty one in my eyes,” Seungmin said looking at me. “Seungmin-ssi! Don’t you think I am pretty enough to be an idol?” Jin Ae said in her annoying voice. I struggled to hide my disdain, instead choosing to drain the glass of wine in front of me.

Dinner was exhausting. Seungmin and I barely survived by glancing at each other as pretentious remarks were thrown back and forth between the other couple. After finally escaping their company Seungmin and I headed back to the room. “Oh my god, they are so terrible.”

Seungmin laughed and opened the door. “Why did we agree to go clubbing with them tomorrow night again?” I sighed kicking off my shoes and throwing them somewhere near my bag. “Because I like clubbing and not even she can ruin that.” “You sure?” I glared and he laughed happily. “This isn’t so bad. It honestly isn’t that different from how we usually act.” He said changing into nightclothes.

I shrugged thinking back on tonight. Did Seungmin really see no difference? Was I the only one who noticed? He hopped into bed and played on his phone while I changed. “I’m glad I’m on vacation with you though,” I said climbing onto the other side of the bed. “I missed you. I love the boys, but hanging our with you is different.” Why did that make my heart skip a beat?

“Yeah, you too.”

“Goodnight,”

Turning off the lights the both of us drifted off to sleep. The warm island breeze softly blew through the open window drifting over us like fairy dust. As if it was casting a spell over our eyes so that the next morning we would wake up seeing differently. Or at least one of us would.

Seungmin and I took breakfast in the room the next morning. Not even we could deal with the chaotic mess that was the Kwon’s first thing in the morning. We played in our room and lounged on the patio. To be honest we were hiding from Jin Ae and Si Hyun. Seungmin and I sat in PJs and simply talked the whole day, something we hadn’t done in a while. The boys called to check in and I joined in on the video call.

“Y/n! Jisung called out once my face appeared on the screen. I leaned over Seungmin’s shoulder to see all eight faces on his laptop. “Oh? Sungie? How are you guys?” Catching up with the boys was fun but I could see how Seungmin could easily get exhausted by them.

As night grew closer I actually began to grow excited about going out. “Seungmin, which should I wear?” I said holding up two dresses. A faux hunter green velvet dress and the white dress from last night. “You know you’ll never hear the end of it from Jin Ae if you wear the same dress twice.” I sighed knowing he was right. Slipping on the tight dress, I fiddled with some earrings before finally deciding on a pair. “Why do girls take so long to get ready? I swear you take longer than Hyunjin.”

“Really?”

“I take that back. No one takes longer than Hyunjin.”

Chuckling I finished applying some eyeliner and lip tint. “Whatever I wear Jin Ae will outshine me, so this will do.” I zipped up my shoes securing the three-inch chunky heeled boots to my feet. Seungmin looked me up and down his eyes widening slightly. “Don’t be silly you look great.” Seungmin stood in heavily ripped black jeans and a black button-down with some of the top buttons undone. He had rolled up his sleeves and for some reason, his ring was more noticeable. Maybe because I knew he never wore accessories.

Seungmin handed me my purse and grabbed his phone and wallet and then we headed to meet Jin Ae and Si Hyun at the club. Seungmin and I drove into the city and sang along to the music on the radio. We pulled up and heard the music from the club before even reaching the building. “Seungmin,” I said grabbing his arm, stopping him from exiting the car. “What?” I pulled open my bag and grabbed a piece of black fabric.

“We aren’t at the hotel anymore. Someone could see you.” I pulled him back and gently placed the mask over his face. He stared at me while I tucked the fabric behind his ears. “Thank you,” For some reason, he didn’t pull away. At first, I was confused, but I quickly grew comfortable with how he was looking at me. Just as he was about to speak my phone rang. Sighing he pulled away and let me answer my phone.

“Oh, Jin Ae?”

He looked over at me as we got out of the car and walked across the street to the club. “Yes, we are walking up now.” Aggressively pushing the end call button I turned to Seungmin. “She gave our name to the VIP bouncer, so we can just go in.” He nodded and walked up to the bouncer outside. “Name?” He said without looking up. “Here,” Seungmin said pulling out his driver’s license. The bouncer’s eyes went wide and he did a double-take. “Welcome, Mr. Kim! Please enjoy your night.”

I smiled feeling the vibrations of the music and the bright colored lights flashing throughout the room. “You want a beer?” I yelled over the music. He nodded and I left his side to walk up to the bar. “Two beers!” I yelled to the bartender. He nodded and went to the other side to get them. Suddenly I felt a hand grabbing my ass. “Hey!” I yelled turning around. My eyes widened to see a very attractive man behind me, a handsome smile on his face. “Oh, sorry. I thought you were someone else, but what’s your name?”

He leaned against the bar and his hand brushed against my arm. Normally I would love this kind of attention from someone as hot as he was, but I could smell the alcohol on his breath and oddly my mind went back to Seungmin. “Listen, buddy. You can fuck off. I’m married.” I said holding up my hand and showing him the ring. He scoffed and took my hand. “Oh please! Girls these days are wearing rings like this all the time.” The bartender handed me my two beers, but the man stopped me from leaving.

“Come on, baby stay a while.”

“I told you, I’m married.”

“Really, where’s your husband? I don’t see him anywhere.”

Where was Seungmin? My eyes looked everywhere not seeing him. I tried to shrug off the guy’s grip but he wouldn’t let go. “Dude fuck off!” I yelled. “Come on, you lied about your husband! No one is even here!” He said getting too close for comfort.

“What are you talking about? I’m right here.”

The man turned around to see Seungmin, still wearing his mask. He honestly looked intimidating with his fists clenched and a glare piercing into the other man. “Really? You’re her husband? Man, your taste in men is shit. He can’t be.” Seungmin tugged me by the waist into his side. Before holding up his left hand. The man gulped as he looked at the silver ring glinting in the lights. He scoffed.

“Yeah, whatever. The bitch wasn’t that hot anyway.”

Seungmin took his beer and lifted his mask to take a swig. “Come on, we should meet up with Si Hyun.” Seungmin led me to the VIP lounge upstairs. His hand latched tightly onto mine, making sure I didn’t lose him in the crowd. The bouncer let us in and immediately Jin Ae waved to us from their table.

Obviously, the both of them had started drinking long before we got there. “Y/n-ah! You are my dongsaeng now! You must call me Unnie!” She said draping herself all over me. “Yeah, of course, Unnie.” She poured us a shot of whatever liquor was on the table and handed it to me. Seungmin talked with Si Hyun as Jin Ae pounded shot after shot. I drank but only enough to get a little buzz going.

“Hey, you two should do a love shot! Come on get the night started!” Si Hyun said with a bright grin. Jin Ae happily clapped along in agreement before pouring us two shots. “No, I’m driving tonight-” “Come on, Seungmin! Don’t be a downer!” Jin Ae whined. He looked at me briefly before picking up the shot. After linking arms, we were so much closer. Seungmin looked into my eyes before saying, “Cheers.” We both took the shot and heard loud cheers from the other couple.

“Si Hyun, come dance with me! Y/n, you should come too!” She said pulling Seungmin and me out of our seats and drastically changing the topic in her drunken state. Si Hyun followed happily as Jin Ae dragged us to the VIP dance floor. We dance for hours and had a few more drinks. Soon we ended up back in the booth, Jin Ae and Si Hyun sucking each other’s faces off like some creatures out of the movie Alien. Seungmin, sat next to me his arm lazily draped behind me over the back of the booth.

“Yah! We can’t be the only two kissing!” Si Hyun said suddenly, his words slurring. “Seungmin, kiss your woman. Show her you love her!” He let out a nervous laugh. “Hyung, we don’t normally do that type of stuff.” Jin Ae whined in her annoying voice. “What?! You don’t kiss?”

“No! What he means is, we don’t usually kiss in public. We can get carried away to easily.” I interjected. They seemed content with my answer. “I certainly know what you mean there!” Her lips captured Si Hyun’s in a sloppy kiss, causing both Seungmin and me to cringe and roll our eyes. “Still! We are all friends here! No one cares if you get carried away! Fuck on the couch for all we care!” Jin Ae said over the music.

The two of them looked at us expectantly, waiting for us to do as asked. Fuck, I couldn’t think of a way out. Seungmin desperately glanced at me, hoping I would think of something he hadn’t but I came up empty. “Fine, you want to see us kiss so badly?” Seungmin asked. I’m sure they couldn’t tell over the blaring bass but I heard Min’s voice shake as his arm came down to rest on my shoulder, pulling me closer to him so that our sides were pressed together.

“Yes! Do it! I’m eager to see this uncontrollable passion Y/n says you have!” Jin Ae said wiggling her perfectly plucked eyebrows. God damn it. Why did I have to say that? Seungmin turned to me already a very short distance away. Gently I pulled down his mask revealing his face fully. His left hand came up to my cheek and he looked into my eyes. There was almost a silent question he was asking. It was one of the things I loved about Seungmin- that we could have entire conversations with just a simple look.

My breath caught in my throat as I saw him move closer. Our eyes met briefly before I looked down at his lips. Why wasn’t he making the move? If he didn’t do it soon they might suspect something? Growing impatient, I closed my eyes and smashed my lips onto his closing the tiny distance. Seungmin hesitated to kiss me back but soon he took control. His hand slid down my body to rest on my thigh. The touch sent shivers down my spine. As he kissed me again he pulled part of my leg closer to him, pulling me almost into his lap.

I had never thought kissing Seungmin would be like this. I had never thought about kissing Seungmin. His grip tightened on my thigh as he continued to press rough kisses on my lips. instinctively, my hand went to his jaw and traveled into his hair. He smiled against my lips and his thumb rubbed across the bare skin of my leg. His teeth snagged my bottom lip, pulling at it gently and muffled sound escaped my throat bringing me back to reality. I pulled away out of breath and looked at Seungmin.

We had crossed a line. A sort of invisible line there was in every friendship between a boy and a girl. Kissing to convince them was one thing, but something felt different now about the way Seungmin was looking at me. “Y/n,” I turned to find once again Si Hyun and Jin Ae making out with full force. “Really? Are they that horny and self-obsessed?” I said sighing. I didn’t even worry about them hearing me.

By the time it was three a.m, all four of us were slightly stumbling to our rooms- some more than others. Seungmin had an arm thrown casually over my shoulder and we watched as Si Hyun raced down the hall with a squealing Jin Ae on his back. I rolled my eyes and looked at Seungmin who scoffed. It always seemed like they were putting on a show for someone.

“YAH! DONGSAENG!” Jin Ae screamed. “Unnie, be quiet! There are people sleeping!” I said putting on another fake smile, but she was too drunk to notice. “Shhhh! I expect you to fuck him good tonight! Right? Give your husband what he deserves!” She slurred. “I’m sure it won’t be as good as how well I’m going to fuck my Si Hyun, but do well!” She hung off of her husband like a wet curtain smiling with a crazy look in her eyes as she began to kiss all along the side of his neck.

“Seungmin! You use protection! You and me…we can’t have kids with our careers too early.” With one last clap on the shoulder, Si Hyun opened their door and they disappeared within the room. We walked into our room only to be met with a loud bang against our wall followed by some very lewd sounds. “Holy shit! Are our walls really that thin?” Seungmin quickly put a hand to my lips keeping me quiet. “What?” I mouthed to him. “They’re showing off! They are trying to prove they are better than us at you know….” He whispered.

“Fuck them. We can’t let them think that!”

“Are you really suggesting we-”

“Seungmin!”

“Sorry, that’s what you were implying.”

I scoffed as Jin Ae loudly and dramatically called out Si Hyun’s name. “What should we do? They are probably listening.” Seungmin whispered. Suddenly an idea popped into my head. I walked closer to the wall and as loudly as I could manage I let out a strangled moan. “Ahhh Seungmin!” I looked over to see Seungmin frozen in place. A crimson blush flooded his cheeks and ears. The sight was almost as cute as it was funny.

“Wha- what ar- what are you doing?”

“Shhh! Just follow my lead.”

He jumped as my hands pulled at the hem of his shirt. “Shhh Just trust me!” I said with a laugh. He let me pull the shirt over his head and push him over to the bed. Loud and overdramatic sounds were still coming from the room next to us. “Okay now grunt, really loud.”

The sound he made sounded more like he was constipated and I did my best to hold back my laughter as I sat next to him on the bed. “No, like grunt, moan, sex noises. Come on!” He tried again but only slightly improved. “Come on Seungmin we have to make this convincing!” My hand flew across his cheek and he screamed in shock. I shoved Min’s shirt into his open mouth muffling the sound making it sound more like a moan. “See more like that!”

“Ahhh Seungmin! Again!” I moaned. Seungmin arched a brow and took the shirt out of his mouth. “Shit, Y/n! Just like that!” He groaned loudly, a bright smile on his face as he tried not to laugh at the situation. “Oh fuck!” I whined, making Seungmin fall back onto the bed trying to keep in his laughter. “Quick get up on the bed!” I whispered. Seungmin stood on the bed with me and looked to me for what to do next. “Okay jump!” Both of us started jumping causing the headboard to bang against the wall.

“Oh fuck! Harder, Min!” I screamed. I started jumping closer to the head of the bead so the sound would be louder. The sounds from their room started to dwindle until suddenly there was a loud combination of moans and strung together curse words. “Come on Seungmin we can last longer than that!” I whispered. “God-Y/n!” He moaned again, the sound becoming more natural.

“Seungmin! Fuck I’m so close!” The two of you laughed as you continued to jump on the bed faster. I let out a strangled set of moans before a loud and high pitched whine at the end that could almost be a scream. “Keep jumping!” I whispered. He nodded and continued to groan and string together some dirty talk I didn’t know he had in him.

“Fuck, you take me so well! Ahh!” I couldn’t help but giggle interrupting the moan I was previously imitating. Seungmin pressed a finger to his lips with a smile. “Okay, big finale. Just trust me, okay.” Seungmin nodded with a grin as he continued to jump. I stopped jumping and caught my breath. This was almost as much of a workout as actual sex. To seal the deal I gave Seungmin a hard and swift kick to the balls sending him crumpling over and letting out the perfect groan that to any ear would sound perfectly convincing.

I joined him in letting out another strangled moan. Seungmin lay on the bed, his hands between his legs. “I fucking hate you,” Seungmin whispered his voice considerably higher. “You love me,” Rushing over to the mini-fridge I grabbed a cold bottle of Coke and handed it to Seungmin who immediately placed it against his crotch.

“If it helps, it sounded very convincing,” I said with a laugh. Seungmin glared at me from his spot on the bed. “Oh wait!” I said sitting up and grabbing Seungmin’s hand. “Pinch me!” I said. He pinched me very hard on the wrist. “Ah! Not there, you idiot!” Bringing his had up to my neck he nodded. He pinched the skin on my neck hard. “Again.”

His hand moved lower to just below my collar bone and he pinched hard there as well. I rushed to the bathroom and checked the marks. They were red, but not as convincing as the real deal. You could tell when you had a hickey. This didn’t look like one. With an aggravated sigh, I returned to the bedroom and pushed Seungmin onto his back. “Hold still. Mine don’t look real.” Seungmin froze in shock as I leaned over and pressed my lips to his neck, near his jaw.

“Okay either move your head, or I’m getting on top of you,” I said when Seungmin lay frozen looking up at me, his head unmovable from looking straight forward. Rolling my eyes, I threw my leg over his waist and leaned back over so I could finish making it look real. My teeth must have grazed over a sensitive spot because my movement froze when Seungmin let out a tiny low toned moan. Choosing to ignore it, I moved down to his collar bone and shoulder leaving a couple of marks there too.

I pulled away to see a blush covering Min’s ears. He simply looked at me, his lips parted slightly. It was then I noticed his hands and wandered to rest on my thighs. I don’t know what compelled me to say what I said next. Maybe it was the adrenaline. Maybe it was the leftover alcohol still circling my system.

“Now, you.”

“What?”

“Do you know how?”

His brows furrowed as he sat up. He was so close now that our noses softly bumped together. I couldn’t tell if he nodded, but Seungmin didn’t say anything. His stare flicked from my eyes to my lips before he leaned over and placed his lips just under my jaw. I could feel his teeth softly bite the skin there. A shiver went down my spine when I felt the cooling touch of his tongue soothe over the spot. My hands pressed against his bare chest as he moved to the other side of my neck. On instinct my body let my head roll back, giving his lips full access to my neck.

A shaky breath escaped my open lips as his hands moved from my thighs to wrap around my waist, one of them coming up and around to just below the base of my neck. “Seungmin,” I whispered as the bites became open mouth kisses all along my skin. He stopped and let his lips drag up to my jaw. It was like every fiber of my being was standing at attention, waiting for what he would do next.

I stared at him through hooded eyes, while his gaze never left my lips. After what seemed like an eternity his lips met mine in a soft and slow kiss. A sort of fog overtook my brain and my body went into autopilot. My hands moved to his neck and wrapped around him. Seungmin pushed me closer to his chest as his lips moved against mine.

The blaring of a telephone broke us apart. My head started to spin. In some sort of a daze himself, Seungmin picked up the phone. “Yes?” He listened to the speaker intently and then his face visibly changed. “What’s wrong?” I asked, finally finding the courage to speak. He ignored me and continued to listen to the person on the other line.

Without warning, he got up from under me and walked towards the patio, but didn’t leave the room. I watched Seungmin with tired eyes and a slightly drunk mind as the lean muscles in his back shifted with his movement. Shaking my head I tried to push through the alcohol’s effect.

“Okay, yes. Thank you.”

Seungmin turned back to you a stressed expression filling his face. “Min, what’s up?” He looked back over at me before sitting on the edge of the bed. “I can’t talk about it now.” Nodding I moved to give him more space. “Is there anything I can do?” He shook his head and laid back down on the bed.

“No. I just want to sleep.”

I stayed silent and got up from the bed. Going to each light I turned it off and then quickly changed for bed. When I returned Seungmin was already under the covers and staring up at the ceiling. I wanted so badly to reach out and comfort him, but clearly, he didn’t want that. I climbed into bed and turned away from him to give him space. Maybe he would tell me in the morning.

A morning breeze once again blew through our open patio door. I turned to find Seungmin gone from his side of the bed. My ears picked up on the sound of the shower running. Sitting up, I clutched my head cursing my past self for drinking so much. Tequila shots were not a good idea. Memories from last night slowly crept to the surface of my mind. We went to the club. Seungmin saved me from that douche bag. We drank with the Kwons. We….kissed.

We went back to the hotel. Jin Ae was a bitch. We had what could only be described as a fake sex-off. And Seungmin…kissed me. He kissed me. Like a real kiss. Not a fake one like at the club. That was a full on fucking make out session. I mean I was drunk. He was tipsy. It probably didn’t mean anything. Why did that thought disappoint me?

Looking over I saw a glass of water on the nightstand as well as a bottle of ibuprofen. Smiling a took the pills Seungmin left me and pulled my phone out to look at the time. The door opened and Min walked out in shorts and a hoodie before. “Morning,” I said. He looked over and nodded at me before sitting at the table with his laptop. “Thanks for the medicine.” He shrugged his shoulders and continued typing, but I swore I saw the tiniest smile.

“Looks like breakfast is in a couple minutes.” Seungmin nodded again and continued to look at his laptop with a serious expression. Getting up and grabbing clothes from my suitcase I went into the bathroom to change. Immediately, my eyes landed on my neck and I almost screamed. Scattered across either side were dark hickeys all down my neck.

“Hey, Seungmin!” I called out. “Yeah?” “Will you grab my concealer from my bag?” After some shuffling, Seungmin knocked on the door before entering. His eyes instantly went to my neck and stayed there while he handed me the makeup. “You’re covering them up? I though the whole point was to see them.” I turned back to the mirror just in time to miss Seungmin’s smirk as he looked at the dark marks he made all over your neck.

“I’m just gonna cover up this one.” He nodded and left the bathroom. I went about covering the biggest mark and then changing clothes before applying a little bit of makeup for the day. As I exited the bathroom Seungmin was getting off the phone with someone. “Y/n we need to talk.” Sitting on the bed, I nodded and looked back over to him. “Okay.”

“It’s about last night.”

I tried to hide the blush as the heat flooded every inch of my face. “What about last night?” I asked innocently. Just play dumb. I can always say April Fools if he asks me about it. Wait-fuck it’s not April.

“There was a picture of us taken last night.”

“Last night?”

“Yeah at the club.”

He tossed me his phone, a page already pulled up to a very popular gossip blog.The picture clear as day showed Seungmin and I making out in the booth. It also hand a close up of my hand which was on his jaw. The ring sparkled in the colored lights. The headline read: Stray Kids Main Vocalist, Kim Seungmin Spotted With His Secret Wife At Jeju Club.

Scrolling down I saw more pictures of the two of us. In the club. Walking out with Si Hyun and Jin Ae. Even Seungmin opening the car door for me. More articles popped up in the recommended. Titles like: Seungmin’s Hidden Marriage, Seungmin’s Mystery Girl, STAY’s Response to Seungmin’s Secret Marriage.

“Oh my god,” I looked up to see Seungmin had started to wander outside. Probably giving me time to process the situation. His ringtone sounded in the room making me jump. Looking down I saw the stupidest picture of Jisung.

“Hello,”

“Y/n? Have you heard what’s going on? Are you okay? Wait why do you have Seungmin’s phone?”

“He stepped out for a minute. Yes, I saw the articles.”

“ARE YOU ACTUALLY MARRIED TO SEUNGMIN?”

His voice was so loud I had to pull the phone away from my ear. Rolling my eyes I brought the phone back to my ear. Running a hand through my hair I couldn’t help but chuckle at my friend.

“I don’t know how to explain it. It’s kind of complicated.”

“Man, Y/n. I thought you and I were endgame. Way to betray me.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. Jisung and I were close friends. Sure we flirted sometimes but we both knew getting together would be a terrible idea. For much the same reason that Seungmin and I were now in trouble.

“But, really are you and Seungmin married?”

“No.”

“But you’ve kissed him?”

“….yes….”

“And you have a ring?”

“…..yes…”

“What more to marriage is there?”

“Well for one thing legal documents, dumbass.”

His laugh could be heard probably even without the phone. “So, it’s not real?” “No,” I then started to explain everything that had happened to us in the past few days. Even the part about last night. “You kicked Seungmin in the balls!” Now hearing it out loud it was pretty funny.

“But, seriously. The…other stuff…Do you like Seungmin?” Did I like Seungmin? I watched as he stood on the patio. He looked really stressed. My thoughts drifted to last night and the last couple of days. Did I really like Seungmin? Friends definitely didn’t do what we did last night. And they certainly didn’t act like how we were acting. But, it was all because of the fake marriage right? All for a discount? But, then again. I didn’t have to say I was married to that guy in the club. And Seungmin could’ve let that guy hit on me if he wanted to.

“Are you dramatically rethinking the entirety of the last couple of days?”

“Shut up.”

“So, I’m taking that as a yes?”

Maybe Jisung was right. “I think so? Maybe… I don’t know. We’ve been friends for so long. I don’t really know if I can tell.” A sigh escaped my lips filling the empty room. Now my thoughts were running a a mile a minute through my head.

“Can I give you some advice?”

“Sure, why not.”

“If someone seriously wants to be a part of your life, they will seriously make an effort to be in it. No reasons. No excuses. Seungmin does that for you.”

The thought made me smile. Did Seungmin really care about me that much? Quickly I finished up the conversation and walked out onto the patio, joining Seungmin. “Jisung called.” He gave me a half assed smile before taking back his phone. “Come on. We should head to breakfast.”

Perhaps it was the conversation with his hyung, but I couldn’t help but notice Seungmin’s hand on my back as we walked back inside to leave. The staff all smiled at us as we made our way back out to the restaurant. As usual Si Hyun and Jin Ae were seated at the table. Seungmin took my hand without warning as we approached the table.

“Y/n! I had so much fun last night!” She said in her shrill voice. “Me too! I loved clubbing with you!” Seungmin tried not to laugh at how fake my voice sounded as we sat down. Lightly I elbowed his stomach and he regained his composure. He draped his arm behind my chair letting his fingers brush my arm when he saw the waiter from a few days ago walk up to our table.

“I’ll have a mimosa. My hangover is killing me.” Jin Ae said not even sparing the boy a second glance. Si Hyun ordered a black coffee and before I could speak, Seungmin ordered for me. “I’ll take an americano and she wants a chai latte with a glass of orange juice too.” Seungmin turned back to me with a surprised smile.

“You remember what I drink in the morning?”

“Of course.”

“That’s so sweet,”

He smiled and leaned in to place a kiss on my lips. It shocked me at first, since I had been the one to initiate our “fake kisses”. He chuckled when he pulled away, seeing my face. “Yah, dongsaeng. That’s quite the love bite on your neck.” Jin Ae said with a smirk clearly pointing at my neck.

“Yeah, we heard you guys last night. Didn’t know little Minnie was so rough in bed.” Si Hyun sent Seungmin a look and he scoffed before sipping on his water. “Ah, hyung. Let’s talk about something else.” He laughed and thanked the waiter as our drinks arrived. The conversation finally drifted away from last nights events and onto today’s schedule and ordering.

Breakfast was delicious despite the company. Seungmin and I did our best to ignore them and spend time with each other. That was what we came here for in the first place. Right? This time it was Seungmin who threw us under the Kwon bus when he absentmindedly agreed to accompany them to the beach for something called the Couple Comp.

The second we were out of eyesight I slapped his shoulder repeatedly making him laugh. “Hey! Stop!” “Seungmin what the fuck!”’ He laughed as he ran back to our hotel room with me right on his heels. “Why did you agree to go?” He opened the door and jumped back onto the bed. “Because I love the beach and you love kicking their ass. Well I also love kicking their ass, but I’m excited about the beach too.”

Rolling my eyes, I pulled a swimsuit out of my suitcase. “I thought we needed to figure out the whole photo thing.” Seungmin shrugged and pulled out his phone. “I called my manager this morning. We talked and figured something out. He said he will release a statement tonight after talking to the CEO.” Did they really fix things that quickly? I thought a scandal like this would be more….scandal-y?

“So you aren’t getting kicked out because of me?” Seungmin shook his head with a laugh. The biggest sigh of relief left my chest and I jumped on top of him giving him the biggest hug. He laughed and hugged me back. “Yah, come on. We can celebrate this later. We have pretentious asses to kick.”

“You’re completely correct. Let’s go.”

Quickly we changed and raced down to the beach. Seungmin signed us into the contest and returned with two matching purple Hawaiian style shirts. "They said each couple had to wear these." He handed me mine and tossed his white t-shirt off to the side with my stuff. He slipped his arms through the shirt and then helped me put on mine. "At least you back won't get burned now." He said laughing.

Hand in hand we walked over to Jin Ae who was sipping on a margarita. Si Hyun was next to her sporting the same yellow Hawaiian shirt as his wife. Surrounded by other couples in brightly colored shirts we waited near a stage for further instruction. Seungmin and I talked just like old times. We joked and laughed. He told me funny stories about the boys, making time fly by faster in his company.

By the time the MC stepped on stage, the sun was high in the sky and burning down on us. Seungmin stood behind me with his arms wrapped around my waist, acting a sunshade for me with his shadow.

“Welcome, welcome, welcome!” The happy man said. “Are you guys ready to find out who the best couple is?” The crowd erupts into happy screams. Jin Ae blows my ear off next to me and Min cheers from behind me. “The first challenge we are going to do is for the men!” Everyone cheers once again as the MC starts to explain. The first competition was a relay race where the first twelve men moved on with their partners.

We all walked over to the course where the men lined up. Jin Ae gave her husband a huge smack on the lips. With a smirk he tossed her the yellow shirt revealing a very...very...very toned torso. The kind of torso that sent cartoon hearts popping out of my eyes and sirens playing in my head.

“Hey. You gonna wish me luck or not?” Seungmin said turning me to face him. There was a harsh look on his face and I noticed him shoot a glare at Si Hyun. “Oh, yeah. Sorry. Good luck!” His face softened when he saw my bright smile. Without warning he kissed me, his hand dropping to my waist and his free hand tangling his fingers with mine.

My heart skipped a beat. Closing my eyes I kissed him back resting my palm on his chest. My head started spinning when I felt his teeth pull on my bottom lip before Seungmin pulled away and kissed my cheek. “Hold this?” All I could do was stare Seungmin in the eye, frozen, as he removed the purple shirt and put it in my hands.

Seungmin was slim but toned in all the right places. “Cheer for me, gorgeous?” He laughed at my frozen state and raised an eyebrow. “Y/n,” Shaking myself out of hot Seungmin world I nodded and smiled at him. He waved as he went to join the other guys.

The relay was really challenging. The boys were doing a really tough relay race that ended with them swimming out to a platform, grabbing a flag and then swimming back to shore. I screamed at the top of my lungs as Seungmin grabbed our purple flag. Si Hyun was only a few yards ahead of him. Jin Ae cheered as her husband crossed the finish line. Seungmin followed soon after, running up to me out of breath.

I wrapped my arms around him, not caring that he was still soaking wet. He gave a breathy sigh and weakly draped his arms around my waist. My fingers tangled in his hair and I held on tightly to his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t win.”

“No! I’m proud of you, Min! I’ll kick her ass in the next round.” The boys dried off and the next challenge began. The remaining twelve girls got up onstage with the MC as he announced the next challenge. “For our wonderful ladies we have a beauty contest!” Jin Ae cheered next to me along with the other girls. I saw Seungmin and Si Hyun cheer and move up towards the front of the stage.

The girls shed their shirts and begin parading around in their swimsuits for the judges. Seungmin gave me a thumbs up as I walked on stage in line with the other girls. I put on my biggest smile and tried not to think about the big ass omelette I had for breakfast. Of course Jin Ae was in front of me with her big boobs and freaking thigh gap.

The judges deliberated and announced there was a tie for the first slot. They told two of the girls they were eliminated and went through the lineup until they got to me and Jin Ae. “The judges have determined there is a tie between these to beautiful ladies!” Everyone cheered as the MC walked over to us with the mic. “What’s your name?” The man said eyeing Jin Ae up and down. She grabbed the mic and waved to the audience. “Hello! I am Kwon Jin Ae! This is my dongsaeng but don’t think I’m going to go easy on her!” She cheered happily giving me the side eye. The audience cheered and some of them pulled out their phones.

“What about you?”

“Oh, I’m L/-- uh Kim Y/n. She may be my unnie but I about to kick her ass.” Seungmin cheered and I waved to him before handing the mic back to the man. “Okay these ladies are each going to pick a song and the best performance based on the crowd’s reaction wins!” The crowd cheers and my eyes light up. All those nights dancing in my living room with Seungmin or my roommate would finally pay off.

“What is your song choice, Jin Ae?” She thinks about it and then finally says. “I want to do Devil by CLC!” The crowd cheers and pulls out their phones once more as the MC motions me off the stage so she can perform. Seungmin latches on to me immediately. The music starts and Seungmin turns to me with a big smile and says, “Y/n you’ve got this in the bag.” I grin and turn back to watching her performance. She doesn’t do terribly. She only forgets a couple moves but makes up for it by jumping around and winking at the judges. She finishes and the crowd claps and cheers. Seungmin kisses my cheek and then sends me back up on stage.

“How about that guys? What about you? You think you can do better than that?”

“Oh for sure. My husband would be disappointed in me if this is the challenge I failed at.”

“So, what song are you picking?”

“Um...Let’s do Lip & Hip by HyunA.”

The crowd cheers and the MC goes over to the stereos to queue up the song. The familiar tune comes on and I roll my hips like in the video and I hear the crowd go crazy. I just let my body do what it remembers and I focus on what Seungmin told me was the most important thing in a performance. Charisma.

I just channeled being Queen HyunA and strutted across that stage and danced like I was one of her back up dancers. I rapped along to the song and made sure to hit every beat. As the chorus hit I dropped and danced along. The crowd went crazy and I saw Seungmin cheering like crazy with wide eyes.

For the second chorus I didn’t have a partner so I just free styled and had fun with it. Seungmin cheered me on and filmed me on his phone. God, if only HyunA could see me fucking slaying this song. The last note played and I posed and smiled. The crowd cheered and Jin Ae joined me on stage a sway in her step.

“Wow! What a performance! Who votes for Jin Ae?” The MC takes Jin Ae’s hand and the crowd cheers making her grin and do that fake humility thing everyone hates. “Who thinks Y/n did the best?” He takes my hand and the crowd erupts in noise. Everyone is screaming and cheering for me and I can’t help but laugh and blush. “It’s pretty clear who the winner of this challenge is. Congratulations, Kim Y/n you and your husband have a guaranteed spot in the next challenge!” I cheer and Seungmin runs up on stage and spins me around before pressing his lips to mine.

I was too excited to even think about the fact that I kissed him back without hesitation. Everyone cheered and we moved on with the competition. Several challenges later it is just down to us and the mother fucking fake ass Kwons. The sun is setting and we have spent the entire day trying to prove that we are in fact the ultimate couple. How ironic.

The last challenge was called “How Well Do You Know Your Partner.” We went head to head answering questions about each other for points. They were ruthless. But we wanted it so bad. It was down to the final question. “Y/n. You are tied with the Kwons. If you get this question right, you and Seungmin win.”

I nodded clutching the whiteboard in my hands. Seungmin rested his hand on my knee next to me. A warm wind blew across the stage and the waves good be heard over the music they were playing.

“Y/n...What did Seungmin want to be as a kid?”

“Oh I know this.” Seungmin laughed at me and wrote his answer on his whiteboard. “Y/n, what is your answer?” I flipped my board and said, “Seungmin wanted to be a professional baseball player. A pitcher if you want to be specific.” The MC turns to Seungmin who flips his board to reveal his answer.

“WOW! That is correct! Congratulations, Kim Seungmin and Kim Y/n! You are the best couple at Jeju Island’s Luxury Resort!” They give us weird graphic tees and a huge gift certificate. At the corner of my eye I see Jin Ae glaring over at the two of us as the rest of the crowd cheers. “Congratulations again! Now we have bonfire party for everyone on the beach so go have fun!” Everyone heads over to the beach and starts swimming and partying as the sun goes down.

Seungmin and I wander off as the night goes on, beers in hand as we walk down the shoreline, firelight fading in the distance. “You know what I just realized?” He shook his head and took a swig from his bottle. “I haven’t checked my phone all day. I had so much fun just hanging out with you.” He laughed and slung an arm around my shoulder.

“Well, we are still trending if you were wondering.” I reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone. “Why do guys’ swim trunks have pockets? That is so unfair.” Seungmin scoffed and looked at me as I put in his passcode. “Are you saying you could fit pockets in that tiny thing you’re wearing?”

“That is irrelevant I want pockets.”

He laughed and looked up at the night sky while I scrolled through Twitter. He was right, we were still trending. STAY and other fans were going crazy over the photos. Apparently a couple people from the crowd had posted the video of me winning the contest with Seungmin. I laughed and read a tweet a loud to Seungmin.

“Seungmin’s girl is a boss ass bitch look at her dancing to HyunA! JYP cast her NOW!” Seungmin laughed and turned to me, stopping our little stroll. “I’m tired, you wanna sit?” Nodding, I kept looking at the responses on Twitter. Seungmin sat next to me his hair blowing softly in the wind. I was very aware of him watching me and laughing at me reactions to the posts.

My brows furrow as I see a post from JYP Entertainment’s official page. I clicked on the post and read the statement.

Hello, this is JYP Entertainment.

We would like to address the rumors about one of our idols, Kim Seungmin from Stray Kids. We appreciate your patience and hope you will continue to support Seungmin and his members. Yes, Kim Seungmin is in a relationship. He is not married to the person shown in the photos taken by Dispatch, though.

We have been in contact with him while he is on his break. He has addressed this personally and would like to clarify that it is not a wedding ring, but a promise ring he gave as a gift. At this time we cannot release the name of the woman Kim Seungmin is seeing but we hope you can support Seungmin and his love for her.

“Seungmin, what is this?” He gently takes his phone back from me before reading the post. “It’s the statement addressing the rumors. Why?” Fully turning to Seungmin, I tried to read his expression in the dark. “Why? It says were dating. This could destroy your image! You could lose fans.”

He smirked and looked me up and down. “You haven’t said no.”

“What?”

“You haven’t said we aren’t dating.”

Blinking a few times, I just stared at him in the dark. Did he just say what I think he said? Did Seungmin....my best friend really just say that. That cocky little shit. He laughed at me and grabbed my hands, still holding the phone. “Seungmin, you prick! Is this your way of asking me out?” I said smacking his shoulder.

“You have to do it properly, you jerk!”

Laughing, he took his phone and slipped it back in his pocket. Giving me that signature smile of his that drove thousands of girls wild, including me, he took my hands in his and looked me in the eye.

“Hey, Y/n L/n, will you go out with me?”

“No.”

“What?”

“Sorry I was just in it for the discount.”

Seungmin stared at me. I saw real disappointment flash across his face and he started to let go of my hands. “I’m just kidding! Of course!” Seungmin let out the biggest sigh his hands covering his face. “Y/n!” He yelled falling on his back. “That was so cruel!” I couldn’t help but laugh and lean over him to see the look on his face. He moved his hands and looked up at me with a smile on his lips.

Reaching up he pulled me down to his lips. Seungmin smiled against my lips before he pulled away looking up at me. “Does this mean I can give you name to the press?” He asked, pushing a piece of hair away from my face. “Only if you take me to the next HyunA concert and I get to cuddle with you in bed tonight.”

“I guess to the first one and the second one is a definite. Duh.” Laughing, I leaned down and pressed another kiss to his lips. “Now we can really kick the Kwons’ ass in couple world.” Seungmin played with my fingers and chuckled. “Didn’t we do that just now?” “Yeah, well that didn’t count.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, you better take us back for Valentine’s Day so we can beat Jin Ae and Si Hyun to the ground.”

“Not cause you want to spend time with me?”

“.....yeah...that too!”

Hope you all enjoyed! I apologize if there were spelling errors!

Requests are open!

Masterlist

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ourstarscollided · 4 years ago

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jatp fanworks appreciation - day 1 (artists)

motivation - so in true me fashion and my aversion to brevity, i've made three (3) posts (see also writers, gifs/edits) to celebrate the wonderful people in this fandom who have made my jatp tumblr experience what it is; a community of people who simply shout into the void about their love of a ghost band and their fearless female leader. i've enjoyed simply being on the sidelines admiring everyone's love for the show, but i thought this would be a good time to really show my appreciation for all these wonderful people, because if i've learned anything from this pandemic, it's that there is NEVER a wrong time to tell someone that they are simply ✨the best✨.

disclaimer: i don't interact with most of these people personally and i simply absorb their content from afar and scream about how wonderful they are in the tags.

there’s definitely a bunch of people i am missing here because i’m horrible at cross referencing those on instagram to those on tumblr, so please know that there are SO many other artists i love that exist outside of this small list. (also if you saw that i just followed you... no you didn’t 🙈 i promise im following you on instagram.)

Once again, in alphabetical order:

@illgetmerope -> Hello, can I just say, I think you’ve been actively choosing violence with your recent art. That tombstone series was VERY uncalled for. But for real, your art elicits such emotion and as much as it pains me, I very much enjoy seeing it pop up on Instagram. Your tarot card series was so beautiful, and I admire your dedication to incorporating all the characters from the show into it!! I still cry about your drawing of the boys figuring out their band name.

@kidovna -> Your art is so fun and I honestly enjoy it SO goddamn much. The little doodles and comics you do are so smart and cute and I just really love your art style so much. Thank you for creating such wonderful art!! A special shout-out to your Double Trouble in Kpop outfits cause this was stellar.

@mamirugbee -> Please. Every time I see your art. I literally have to take a moment and remember to breathe. There is something about the way you draw Julie and Luke that just makes me lose all ability to function. So thank you, for sharing your amazing art with us. The set of soft Juke Kisses is on constant rotation as my phone background, and your Sailor Moon Juke literally made me gasp the first time I saw it.

@merry-the-cookie -> You are the captain of the Luke x Bobby ship and your little doodles and comics make me laugh so hard every time I see them. The way you draw movement and body language is exquisite. I think about the disembodied Caleb hand every day.

@theradioactivesoul -> You create absolute magic with acrylic paint. I do not understand how you get it to listen to you like that, but I am constantly in awe of your final pieces. I love your use of colours and the overall composition of your designs and the absolute insanity that is the SIZE of your paintings. Please know that your art brings me immense joy. Your Carrie piece is STUNNING.

@thesunwillart -> No words. Just a lot of Willex. Thank you for feeding my soul on a daily basis with your wonderful art. I also don’t know why, but the Mistletoe comic resurfaces in my brain every other day. I just think it would be very neat for them to do this. Also I am very much here for your Willex sock agenda.

@wendinella -> I love the way you draw expressions and body language!?! Everything about your art is so welcoming and warm and just so soft. I’m particularly obsessed with your Sunset Curve drawing because seeing the boys happy and pre-hotdog with Bobby really struck a chord in my heart.

@westywallowing -> Your art style is so unique and so warm and inviting and I simply adore it every time I see it pop up!! One of my absolute favs is the Juke mirror selfie simply because THEY ARE SHARING AIRPODS?!??! and they’re so wrapped up in each and look so happy. I wanna cry a little every time.

These are just some wonderful artists off the top of my head that I know are on Tumblr, and is in no way a definitive list of all the people I follow across all platforms for their wonderful art. Thank you to the people above, and to everyone in the jatp fandom who creates art in all formats. You guys visualize some of the coolest concepts and as a non-art person, it blows my mind every time.

#jatp fanworks appreciation week #fanart #afjpweof WHENEVER I SEE ART I JUST GO HOW AND REBLOG #ITS AS SIMPLE AS THAT #BECAUSE I CANT DO IT #SO THANK YOU FOR DOING IT #motivation monday

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waywardnerd67 · 4 years ago

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Starving Affection

Summary: It had been five years since (Y/N) had any physical contact with another person. When she starts talking with a man online who reads her fanfics, a battle of her mind and body begins. When the time comes to meet him, she finds that there are still decent human beings in the world. Characters: Jensen Ackles, Misha Collins, Sami (OFC), Plus Size!Reader Pairing: Jensen x Plus Size!Reader Warnings: Angst/Fluff/Smut/Body Image Distortion Word Count: 9256 A/N: Again, me working through my feels. Thank you for allowing me to do so.

My chest tightened. Jaw clenched until my teeth hurt. My body rigid and frozen as panic flowed through my veins. The overly friendly, new teacher had her arms outstretched towards me. If I had been a normal person, I would gladly hold my arms out as well embracing her kindness and affection.

I was not normal.

“Hey Katy!” My partner teacher and best friend, Sami, headed her off by stepping in front of me and taking the hit of affection.

There was a special place in Heaven for Sami and if not, I would fight God themselves to make it so. I could see Sami whispering to Katy and a nod of acknowledgement told me I would not have to worry about her advancements again.

“Sorry (Y/N), I didn’t know you weren’t a hugger. How about a high five?” Her sweet gesture had my trembling hand stretching out to her as she quickly slapped it with her own.

Only Sami could see my flinch from the physical touch of someone. Everyone else summed it up to my quirky personality and weird aversion to being touched. Thankfully our English department meeting was over and I could escape to the safe haven of my car. Sami was close behind me waving goodbye to everyone.

I bumped my shoulder to hers as she was the only one I had no problem with minor touching, “Thank you for taking that hug for me.”

She laughed, “You’re lucky I’m a friendly and huggy person. Hey, I meant to ask you before school today, but how is counseling going?”

I cringed, averting my gaze from her, “It’s… going fine.”

She stopped me with a tap on my shoulder, “The truth, please.”

I sighed as my shoulders slumped in defeat, “I stopped going,” I saw the incoming assault in her narrowing sky colored eyes.

“(Y/N)! You were making such good progress with this counselor. I was even able to give you a one arm hug.” The disappointment in her voice weighed my shoulders down even more.

I leaned against my car pulling on the sleeves of my hoodie, “I know, I know. She had me go to one of her support groups and everyone had to hug someone. I… I just couldn’t. I tried three or four times going to the group and I failed every time.”

My eyes fell to the ground, disgust filling my mind, “Yes, you really are as pathetic as you’re sounding.” My inner voice snarked.

I heard Sami sigh, “It’s okay. We can work through it together. We can keep doing everything you liked from her and work at your pace.”

Looking up, I forced my lips into a small smile to appease my only real life friend, “That sounds good. Thanks Sami for putting up with me.”

I made my way home to a small ranch style home that was off the beaten path. My grandparents had left it to me knowing I would love the seclusion of it. It was my Fortress of Solitude. The only living thing, other than Sami, to be able to snuggle with me was Charlie the cat. The copper Main Coon was sitting by the door awaiting my arrival.

My evenings were always the same. Check in with my mom for an hour on the phone. Make or order dinner, which tonight was ordering pizza for the leftovers tomorrow. Turning on my favorite TV show, Supernatural, on Netflix and working on one of my millions of fanfics.

“Yes, stay in complete denial by hiding in your fantasy worlds and falling in love with fictional characters. Loser.”

I pushed my inner thoughts to the very back of my mind and focused on my current series I was writing. Pulling up Tumblr, I looked in my notifications seeing someone binge reading my masterlist. My heart always swelled with joy whenever someone took the time to read my writings. This person was also leaving feedback as well.

“ChevyMan67: I love this version of Dean! You truly have captured his personality and sarcasm.”

“ChevyMan67: I can’t get enough of this series! Please tell me there is more to come. I need to know if Dean finally falls in love and gets his apple pie life.”

I read through every comment and looked at every GIF the reader posted. I hit follow on his blog then took a few screenshots from my activity page, pulling up a blank post adding the pictures.

“Thank you to @ChevyMan67 for binging my stories! Your feedback means everything to me!”

As soon as I posted it there was a notification of a reblog from him. He posted a GIF of Dean screaming with #Fangirling flashing underneath. My cheeks ached from the unusual tension of a genuine smile spreading across my face.

Online I could be anyone I wanted. I would virtual hug and blow kisses at my friends. I was able to be more like the woman I was. Social, happy, carefree, open to others. I could be the woman I desperately wanted to be but my mind would not allow.

“Stay guarded. Remember what happened when you trusted him? Trusted his family? Never again. You promised never again.”

My indeed guard held the line at the gate of my mind. She stood in full armor and shield ready to throw off anyone that even attempted to break through to the part of me that desired to be a whole person again. I shook my head with a firm nod and reaffirmed my promise to myself to never let anyone that close to me again.

As I was closing down her computer for the evening, a ding caught my attention as a message came from Tumblr. Opening the window, I saw a DM from my newest follower.

“Hey there, I just wanted to say thank you for following me. Apparently I’m a rarity on here for being male and a fan of Supernatural. I truly love all your writings and can’t wait to read more. Hopefully, we can get to know each other better and become friends. Anyway, I’ll leave you alone. Message me any time. Goodnight.”

I re-read the message several times before closing my computer. Sure I had people message me for small talk and a few close friends I had on there. This felt different. Something deep within me sparked and I did not know how to react. There was only one person I knew I could go to and her reaction was more frightening than the thought of responding to ChevyMan67. That night was the first of many restless nights for me.

A week later, I finally sat down and responded to him.

“Hey, I’m sorry it took me so long to respond. I’m… well, I’m not used to talking to guys here. I think it’s great that you’re on here and reading, BTW. I’m working on a few pieces right now, maybe you could beta for me if you have time. I hope we can be friends as well. Have a good weekend!”

I was nearly hyperventilating when I hit enter sending the message. I tried to work on my newest one shot story and ignore my anxious heart awaiting for the ding. It was not until I was in bed watching my favorite episode of Supernatural that my phone chimed.

“Tumblr: Message from ChevyMan67”

My finger hovered for a moment before opening the app. The message opened and I let out a air I had been holding in my chest.

“No worries. Everyone is busy and has their “real life” to attend too. I work odd hours and days all the time so I get it. I would LOVE to beta for you!!!! Reading your work before it’s posted online? HELL YEAH! I feel honored you asked and I’m fanboying hard right now. Crap… that sounded… I mean. Sorry lol. You can send your fics to [email protected]. Looking forward to hearing from you again.”

Over the next six months, Ross and I talked throughout our days getting to know one another. Three month into Tumblr messenger and dumb updates, he gave me his cell number to text one another. At times, I would have to catch myself from laughing while my students took a test. Everyone around me started to notice the small changes in me. Smiling more, talking more and one student commented on me wearing bright colors.

“You look good in yellow Miss (Y/L/N).”

However it was Sami who demanded to know all about the changes going on with me. We sat at our favorite restaurant, the first round of drinks being set in front of us. After the waiter took our order, Sami began her interrogation.

“Tell. Me. Everything. You’ve been keeping me at bay and I’ve respected your space, but you have seemingly blossomed in the last few months. Spill.”

I bit my lower lip as my phone sounded with an all to familiar chime. I went to grab my phone when Sami placed her hand over it, “Me first. Tumblr second.”

“It’s not Tumblr. Let me reply to him and then I will tell you everything.” I dared to look up to see my best friend’s face frozen in shock.

Her eyes wide and mouth gaping, “Him?!”

I nodded reading Ross’s message, “Hey I know you’re out with Sami and going to tell her about little ole me. I just wanted to make sure you were still thinking about what I asked last night. Can’t wait to hear from you soon. Not now though, have fun with Sami.”

I smiled, locking my phone and putting it in my purse looking back to my ridiculously happy friend, “His name is Ross.”

There was a loud, attention grabbing squeal from her as I shushed her, “Leave out no details…” she rested her perfect chin on her folded hands.

I told her all about Ross and how we began talking. I told her everything I knew about him and what he knew about me. Finally, as our food came out and drinks were refilled, I told her about what he had dropped on me the previous night.

“He asked me to meet him at the Supernatural Convention in Dallas next month. He already has the passes paid for and a few photo ops that we could share.” My heart raced at the thought of meeting Ross and meeting my favorite celebrities all at the same time.

Sami’s smile faded slightly, “Does he know about your struggles with being touched?”

I nodded, “It was one of the first personal things I told him. He’s still talking to me so I took that as a frightening good sign.”

“What are you feeling?” her point blank question shook me for a moment.

My fingers drummed against the table, “I’m nervous, scared, anxious…” I paused for a moment before looking up at her with a smile.

“I’m also excited, hopeful and curious.”

Sami held out her hands to me, palms up and I hesitantly placed my hands in hers. It was something we had been working on for the last couple of months. This was the first time I allowed her to squeeze my hands.

“You really like him.” She whispered smiling like a fool.

I felt my own smile mirroring hers, “Yes I do and that scares me shitless.”

The rest of the evening felt like the old days before my life fell apart. When I got home, I decided to test my luck. Pulling up Ross’s number, my thumb hovered over it until I smashed it hearing it ringing.

“Well hello, this is a surprise.” His velvety smooth voice sent shivers down my body, “Take a deep breath and know it’s okay if you hang up to just text me.”

“N-No, I’ll be okay.” I stammered as he let out a low chuckle.

I could hear him moving away from other voices around him, “I interrupted something…” Guilt and shame weighing my shoulders down.

“Not at all. They can wait, you calling me is an important moment. Not everyday, I get to speak to my favorite writer on the phone.” His compliments calmed my queasy stomach, “Could I be so hopeful that this phone call is working up to a good answer?”

I took a deep breath in and let out slowly, “Yes.” The word seems foregin to her as it left my lips.

“Yes I can be hopeful or yes to my question?” His jovial banter eased the tension in my shoulders.

“Yes.” I tried to sound a little more confident, my heart beating against my chest.

There was a moment of silence before loud cheering and yelling came through her speaker. His excitement was silenced by my own unfamiliar laughter. Suddenly I was hyper aware that he was no longer making any noises. Panic and fear swelling inside me.

A soft sigh came from him, “You have a beautiful laugh. I can’t wait to hear it again.”

My cheeks burned, “Thank you.”

Ross told me he would send all the details for our trip and that I was not to worry about money of any kind. Mentally, I began planning out how to save as much money as I could in the next four weeks. Thankfully, my savings was built up enough to take a small hit and not dip into her emergency fund. Over the next several weeks, I began to prepare for my first convention, first time meeting an online friend, first time traveling by myself, first time facing the unknown in five years.

The morning of my travel day, I went over to Sami’s house with Charlie. I was surprised to see her sister sitting there. She waved to me before taking Charlie’s crate.

“What’s going on?” I looked around seeing Sami’s suitcase packed by the door.

She smiled, “Your friend Ross, reached out to me.”

The color from my face drained for a moment, “H-He did… How?”

“He found me on your Instagram page. DM me asking me to join you on your trip. Stating and I quote, ‘I know you being there with (Y/N) will make her more comfortable. I want this weekend to go as comfortably as possible for her. I know it’s a big step and I want her to be taken care of.’”

She smiled softly as my vision blurred from tears slipping down my face, “Oh… wow.”

“Yeah, he’s pretty amazing (Y/N/N). If you were ever going to work on overcoming your touch aversion this would be the man to do it for.” Sami turned around to help her sister, leaving me to my own thoughts.

“Absolutely not! There is no way he is getting through my defenses. I have held strong for five years. Your heart and mind are safe within my holds.”

“Do you really think he’s going to want to touch you? Look at yourself. Lumpy. Chunky. Squishy. Dull (Y/C/H) hair. Boring (Y/C/E) eyes. Not even a decent pair of boobs or ass. You’re nothing special. Always remember that you’re nothing special.”

“(Y/N)? (Y/N) stop it.” Sami’s voice rang clear bringing me back to the present.

I nodded slowly, “Sorry. I zoned out.”

“Freaked out. We will work through it. Sara is gonna drive us to the airport and we have an hour to chat. Okay?”

It was in the moment that I noticed my best friend had absentmindedly placed her hand on my shoulder and I did not flinch. My eyes looked to her hand and back to her, “You’re touching my shoulder.”

“Crap, I’m so sor…” she started to say but my bright smile stopped her, “What?”

I placed my hand on top of hers, “I didn’t flinch or move or even notice you did it.”

Now her smile was matching mine and we had a moment of pure excitement jumping around each other. True to her word, we spent the hour on the plane doing some meditative exercises. I thanked every high power who would listen for my best friend getting her psychology degree.

There was a man waiting with our names on a piece of paper. He took our bags and drove us to a hotel near where the convention was being held. Sami checked us in since there were so many people inside and my anxiety started to flare up.

Breathe in counting to six. Breathe out counting to six.

I repeated my breathing exercise until Sami returned her brow furrowed, “What is it?”

“I don’t know who Ross knows, but he must be connected in some way. We have a suite on the fourteenth floor.”

My jaw dropped slightly before I stood up bracing myself for the next hurdle of getting through the elevator ride. Luckily, there were only two other girls in the car and I could safely keep my distance from them.

“I heard that Jensen is staying at this hotel.” One mentioned as the other rolled her eyes.

“Yeah right. This is Dallas, I’m sure he’s probably staying with his family or something.”

The girls exit on the eighth floor and before the doors could close Sami and I were chuckling to ourselves. The chances of Jensen Ackles staying at this hotel would be astronomical. The car dinged for the top floor and opened to a small hallway. When we opened the door to our suite neither of us spoke.

Sami walked throughout the entire room before I could even move from the entryway, “This room is amazing! Check out the view we have (Y/N).”

“Hold on. Having a moment.” I breathed as Sami came to my side and I held my hand out, “I’m fine. Just need a moment to make sure this is real and not a dream.”

I watched as she walked over to the coffee table where there was a gift basket and she held up a small notecard, “Oh it’s real.”

“(Y/N) and Sami, I hope you love your room. Enjoy your night and order anything you want. The front desk knows it’s all on my tab. I’m hoping you both will join me for dinner tomorrow night after registration. Sadly, my job won’t let me leave before then. I look forward to meeting you both. -R PS: I highly recommend the spa and they have a large private jacuzzi just for you, (Y/N).”

Sami sighed, “I really hope he has a single brother, cousin, friend that is like him for me.”

I rolled my eyes walking over to the large windows looking out. Flashes of the last time I was in Dallas popping into my mind. I shivered as the one voice I hated yelled loudly in my ears. My hands covered them and I felt Sami tap my shoulder twice. For the first time, in several years, I reached out to her and gripped her arms.

“(Y/N) remember why we’re here. Remember talking with Ross on the phone. The tone of Ross’s voice. His laughter.” Her calm tone eased me out of the wretched memory.

She guided me over to the couch and went to get me a glass of water. I sipped it slowly before squeezing her hand, “Thank you.”

“You know, I can get used to you reaching out to me. Feels like the (Y/N) I knew coming back.” Sami squeezed my hand back before I let slip from her grasp.

She was right, the woman I once was before my ex was fighting her way to get out again. Still, my guard was up standing fortified at the gate.

That evening was a girls’ night of epic proportions. They went to the spa where (Y/N) sat in her private jacuzzi while Sami received the best massage of her life. Afterwards, we ordered our dinner from room service making moderate choices since neither of us were paying. When our food came there was a special dessert also with another note.

“A little birdy told me that your favorite dessert was French Silk pie. I wanted you to have a slice and some New York Style cheesecake for Sami. Have a wonderful night.”

Sami whistled, “Man, he has it bad for you.”

“Shut up.” I muttered lifting the dome to see a delicious slice of pie.

As they ate and talked, Sami took my phone taking pictures of them enjoying a very Sam and Dean style dinner. Sami having a Chef’s salad with honey mustard dressing. I took a picture of my dinner sending it to Ross with a text saying thank you.

“Dean would be proud! That bacon cheeseburger looks good. Enjoy!”

I smiled the entire time I ate my burger. Finishing out meals, Sami hooked up her laptop putting on Supernatural. I decided to try and work on some stories when a terrifying thought crossed my mind. I looked up to the screen as Dean began to talk. I closed my eyes listening carefully to his voice. The low tone and smoothness of it. It was the way he said the word writer that had my eyes snapping open and a gasp escaping my lips.

“What? What is it?” Sami sat up concerning filling her eyes.

Like pieces to a puzzle everything snapped into place. All the small details that would go unnoticed by someone who would never expect it. Sami tapped my shoulder and I turned to her with wide eyes.

“Ross… that’s Jensen’s middle name.” I mumbled reaching for my phone.

Sami stood up pausing the episode, “Okay… what are you getting at.”

“Listen.” I played for her the voicemail he had left a few days earlier, “Now play the episode.”

Sami’s eyes connected to her, “No way.”

“Ross is Jensen Ackles.”

That night my dreams were filled with my ex yelling at me. Fat shaming me. Calling me a loser. Calling me useless for not being able to bear children. His looming form made me coward into a ball on the floor. I woke up several times during the night, the final time close to six in the morning. Sami was peacefully sleeping on her side of the bed.

I picked up my phone going into the living area and dialing the all too familiar number. On the third ring she was going to hang up, but then his groggy voice pierced my ears.

“(Y/N), is everything alright?” All I could hear was Dean, which meant that it was truly Jensen on the other side.

“You tell me, Jensen.” I heard him sit up as I began to pace near the window.

A long sigh came from him, “I knew you would figure it out before meeting me.”

I scoffed, “Is this some kind of celebrity joke or prank? Pretend to be someone’s friend and embarrass them when they meet you.”

My guard was shaking her head muttering, “Told you so…”

“No, (Y/N) it’s nothing like that. Misha had read some of your stories and suggested I should read them. At first, I thought it would be weird because I’ve never read fanfiction before, but your writing… it drew me in.” His words came out all in one breath.

I froze, “M-Misha read my stories? Oh god…” My body burned from embarrassment.

“Honestly, there’s not a person on our crew that hasn’t read at least one of your stories. You’re talented and the way you write for the boys is amazing. Our own writer’s are impressed with your talent.”

I groaned slumping down to the floor, “This was all a mistake.” The last thing I heard before ending the call was rustling around as if Jensen was moving from his bed.

My phone slipped from my hand as tears streamed down my face. I closed my eyes allowing my inner voices to consume me. Dragging me down into the darkness.

“You fool! Here I stood guarding you from this and still you allowed someone in. You deserve what is coming to you!”

“You useless piece of nothing! You’re the biggest joke this world ever created. Fat, ugly, even your body can’t do the one basic thing god made it to do. You’re worthless. Sucking up air that could be used on someone contributing to the world. No matter what anyone says you will always be the biggest failure in this world. You. Are. Nothing.”

I felt someone tapping on my shoulder and I tightened myself into a ball, “Go away Sami.”

The tapping continued and I reached out grasping an unfamiliar hand. My eyes snapped open and were met with concerning, piercing olive eyes. The eyes I stared at for hours on my TV. The eyes I wrote about in hundreds of thousands of words online.

As soon as my eyes opened he withdrew his hand and my heart sank further into darkness, “I told you. He will never want to touch your disgusting body.” The snide voice of my inner self whispered.

“(Y/N), please hear me out. Please for five minutes just listen to my side.” He sat across from me leaving a foot of distance between us.

I nodded looking up as Sami gently touched his shoulder, “I will be just outside if you need me.”

He waited for the door to close to start talking. His large hands rubbing against his cotton covered thighs.

“I started reading your masterlist on Tumblr and couldn’t get enough of your stories. I didn’t know exactly how to work Tumblr so Misha showed me how. I noticed you don’t get a lot of notes and I wanted everyone to notice you. I started sharing your work with everyone after sending you that message.”

He paused for a moment as I fidget with the hem of my shirt, “Why did you message me?”

His smile was more radiant in person, “It’s just as I said. I loved your work and I wanted to be friends. However, the more I got to know you… the more I wanted to meet you in person. I knew that would be problematic.”

“Yeah, you could say that.” I scoffed looking down to my hands.

He inhaled a deep breath, “You connect with Dean Winchester the same way I do. To find someone like that is a once in a lifetime chance. I want someone who I can gush over Dean with because soon I won’t be hanging out with him as much and he’s the best imaginary friend I’ve ever had.”

Seeing Jensen open himself up to me was creating a battle of mind and body within me. He was just as nervous as I was to open up to someone else. Suddenly, I did not feel so alone in my isolation. My hand trembled as I reached over placing it atop of his.

“Dean Winchester saved my life and I don’t mean that figuratively. I was on the verge of leaping into darkness when I found him getting Sammy to find their dad. I found the strength to carry on because I knew that was what Dean would do. I found that being broken wasn’t a bad thing but something that could drive you to keep working. Dean helped me to feel again when I had become numb to the world around me.”

His eyes shined as I spoke trying to hold back his own tears, “I’m glad he could be there for you when you needed him the most.”

“Then you came into my life when I least expected it.” I whispered as I squeezed his hand.

My mind was screaming at me to get as far away from him as I possibly could. To call out to Sami to make him leave and move out of the state disappearing from the world. However, my body was urging me to jump into his arms. To open myself up to him as he had done with me. I felt like a spring coil ready to snap. My mind was holding my body back waiting for my consciousness to make a decision.

And she did.

I launched myself into his arms startling him as we crashed to the floor. His arms instinctively wrapped around me as mine encircled his neck. The door flew open as Sami came rushing in as Jensen’s laughter filled the room. I hugged him tighter to me as he tightened his grip around me.

“Oh my god… (Y/N), you’re hugging him.”

I did not need to open my eyes to know tears were slipping down my best friend’s cheeks. Her voice was thick with utter joy and amazement.

“Does this hug mean that you don’t hate me?” His question caught me off guard.

Jensen’s hands kept me in place as he sat up swinging my legs across his. My arms are still around his neck not wanting to lose the connection. Now that my body was against his, it flooded with the strange feeling of desire. Sami joined them on the floor sitting cross legged in front of them.

“I don’t think I could ever hate you. Though I’m still upset you lied to me.” I rested my head on my arm and against the side of his neck.

Feeling him sigh and seeing Sami grinning, I knew this was a big moment for all of us. We sat on the floor for another hour talking before Jensen had to go back to his room to get ready for the day. Neither of us wanted to let go of the other. He hugged me one last time before walking out of the suite. When I turned around I was immediately engulfed into another hug.

“I’m so proud of you!” Sami squealed.

“Thanks, I think…” My sentence drifted and she pulled away from me.

I walked back toward the bed and flopped face first onto it. I felt her crawl up on the bed beside me knowing me well enough to give me space.

“Talk it out, (Y/N). What are you feeling?”

My cheeks burned from the first feeling to pop into my head, “I feel warm, anxious, happy...” I paused gathering the courage to say the last word, “desire.”

“I’m sorry, what was that last one?” Sami eagerly asked.

I sat up, “Desire.” Saying the very word felt weird.

She began to clap and raised her hands in the air, “Praise the lord!”

“Don’t get all weird about it. I don’t know what any of this means. My body is tingling…”

Sami interrupted, “I bet it does…”

“Shut up, mostly not in that way. I don’t know how to act around other people anymore. What is too much touching? What is too little? What does a hug mean? I have too many questions and all the answers just walked out the door.”

I looked over as my phone chimed seeing a message from Ross, “I guess I need to change that now.” I murmured as I pulled up his message.

“First, thank you for trusting me with a hug. It means the world to me. I wanted to know if you wanted to have an early lunch with me? We could eat in my room or restaurant or your room with Sami. Whatever you are most comfortable with. Let me know.”

I held my phone up for Sami to read and she jumped off the bed, “You can have our room. I will go entertain myself by the pool.”

I texted him back that he could come to my room as Sami began tossing clothes out on the bed, “What are you doing?”

“Finding you the perfect outfit. Now go shower so I can play dress up with you.” She clapped her hands excitedly as I groaned loudly.

Looking in the mirror again, I pulled at the shirt clingy to every soft, round surface of my waist. I pushed my stomach watching as it bounced back into place like jello. Turning to the side, I sucked as many rolls as I could inward, holding my breath. The air rushed from my lips as a knock came from the door. Making my way towards it, I grabbed my zip-up hoodie slipping my arms in it quickly.

“Hi.” The word came out more breathlessly than I wanted.

My inner voice whispering, “Yeah fatty, let him know that walking across the room makes you lose your breath.”

“Hey there, I hope you don’t mind that I went ahead and grabbed lunch for us.” Jensen held up a paper bag from a local sandwich spot.

As he walked in, I took a moment to truly admire him. He looked like a male model in his tight dark jeans, black boots, dark olive Henley and sunglasses resting on top of his unruly, sandy brown hair. His smooth voice caught my attention.

“You could take a picture and it would last longer.” He chuckled sitting down on the couch and laying out their lunch.

I sat on the opposite side of him as far away as I could. Even though my body desperately wanted to be closer to him, I kept my distance not pushing my mental capacity. He glanced over a hint of disappointment in his eyes seeing me so far away.

Jensen slid a sandwich towards me, “I remember you telling me that you love ham and swiss with tomato.”

“Thank you.” I unwrapped the sandwich and grabbed a bag of chips.

We ate in silence as a strange tension built between us. My stomach churning to the point I could no longer eat. I would look over to him out of the corner of my eye to find his eyes drifting over me. I wrapped my hoodie around me instinctively trying to hide the imperfections.

“There’s no hoodie big enough to hide your ugliness.” The familiar voice whispered.

I shook my head when I heard music playing, looking back to Jensen. He smiled sheepishly as he set his phone on the table.

“I thought maybe some background noise would help,” He stood up clearing the food from the table then stood in front of me with his hand out, “Trust me?”

His eyes were shining from the afternoon rays of sun coming from the window and his lips were spread in a gentle smile. I exhaled slowly allowing all the tension to leave my body and placed my hand in his. He pulled me up from the couch taking my hands and placing them behind his neck. His large hands slid down my sides to my hips and I flinched.

“You do know that you’re beautiful, right?” He whispered swaying my body with the music.

I shook my head, “I’m really not. Ordinary at best.”

Jensen lifted my chin, piercing (Y/C/E) meeting , “You are far from ordinary, (Y/N).”

“You’re just being kind.” I looked away as he slowly turned us in a circle.

The music continued but Jensen stopped moving, “I have so many questions but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or have you running to the hills.”

“Questions for me? Surely, you have better things to do with your time other than sitting inside with me. Don’t you have fans to entertain?” I smirked.

He chuckled, “Lucky for you, I happen to have the day off. I normally spend the day with my family. However this year they all ditched me.”

I mockingly acted shocked, “Oh no! You poor thing.”

His eyes narrowed in on me before laughing, “My mom and dad are somewhere in Spain enjoying their anniversary gift. My sister decided a girls trip with her best friends was better than hanging with me for the day. My brother is always busy with his family. You’re stuck with me.”

“I guess there’s worse ways to spend my day. Okay, ask away but I’m not promising I’ll answer them all.”

Jensen led me back to the couch, but kept ahold of my hand as we sat back down. He laced his long fingers with mine. His thumb brushing over my knuckle. I settled back against the couch once again wrapping my hoodie around me.

“What were you thinking when I put my hands on your hips earlier?”

I bit my lower lip, “I was mortified that you were touching my squish rolls of skin. I was thinking you must be disgusted by it.”

“Wow…” He squeezed my hand, “Whoever he was he really did a number on you. If I ask his name and address would you be against me and Jared beating the crap out of him?”

A genuine burst of laughter echoed in the room, “He’s really not worth it. Plus, he is much happier with his life now and that’s all that matters. He deserves to be happy.”

I was surprised to see Jensen face scrunched up in anger, “But you don’t?” He leaned in slightly, his features softening.

“No, I don’t.” The words came out without even a second thought and seeing Jensen recoil from them as if they had slapped him in the face twisted my heart.

His tongue darted out over his lips and the electrical energy between us sparked wildly, “You’re wrong. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Any man who told you otherwise is no man at all.”

He was leaning in closer, his eyes never leaving mine. My heart pounding in my ears and my body urging me to meet him in the middle. His forehead pressed against mine and his nose caressed mine.

“I’m going to kiss you.” he whispered.

“I don’t think I remember how to kiss back.” The pathetic confession was followed by a wayward tear slipping down my cheek.

His soft, full lips pressed gently against mine. My mind searched for the file within the long abandoned cabinets for how to kiss someone. He pulled away for a split second only to return his lips to mine. I found my lips pushing against his out of basic instinct. Our lips melded together for a moment before I felt him smile against mine.

His hands cupping my face, “I think it will all come back to you easier than you may think.”

I took in a deep breath letting it out in a short burst, “I think you believe in me too much for only meeting me a few hours ago.”

Jensen was still holding my face as he leaned back, “Other than Jared and Mish, I have never felt closer to anyone, but you.”

“You have your work cut out for you then,” I pointed to my head, “because it’s a nightmarish mess up in here.”

He leaned in kissing me once again, “You are worth every second of being with you because you’re stunning, smart, talented, caring and most of all you’re beautiful inside and out.”

I stared up at him speechless as my inner guard laid down her shield, “I like this one.”

“No… no one has ever said that about me. I-I don’t know what to say or how to react.” I stammered, unable to comprehend what he said.

He smiled widely, “Get used to that feeling because I’m preparing for you to feel that way a lot. Now, I don’t want to test your boundaries too much so I think we should hang out here and watch a movie.”

Jensen moved to the end of the couch resting his arm along the back of it and propping his feet on the table. For the first time in forever, there were no inner voices to keep me from doing what I desperately wanted. I moved over next to him resting my back into his side and stretching my legs out to the other end of the couch. His arm draped over the front of my chest and his fingertips brushed against my side.

This time there was no flinching and I smiled at the small victory.

The rest of the weekend was like a dream. Seeing the convention backstage, meeting all the rest of the other actors on the show and most of all Jensen’s constant touch comforted me throughout it all. Sami beaming with pride as I pushed myself to be in the crowd for the concert on Saturday. When Sunday came, I found myself riddled with sadness knowing I would have to leave this magical weekend behind.

Sami had decided to go back to the hotel while I waited for Jensen to finish his autographs. I had noticed Clif, the boys’ friend and bodyguard, staying close by me. When the last fan left the autograph room, he motioned for me to follow him. Entering the room, I found Jensen with his head down on his table while Jared and Misha were fooling around at theirs.

Walking up, I slid my hands over his shoulders and began rubbing the knots out of them. A small groan escaping his lips sent a wave of desire over my body. I moved my hands down his back eagerly wanting to hear him again.

“Hey, if you’re giving free massages away I’ll take one!” Jared called out.

Jensen’s head snapped up, “Don’t even think about it Padalecki. Her hands are too precious for your sweaty self.”

I chuckled as he stood up letting my hands drift down his back. I knew he was fit but his body was firm and lean in all the right spots. As he moved away I found my fingers stretching out to touch him again. All weekend I had found myself craving his touch. My mind was obsessively thinking about his hand in mine or my arms around his waist or his hands gripping my hips. My cheeks felt like they were on fire and I heard him chuckle.

“You okay? You kind of spaced out for a moment.”

I nodded smiling, “I’m great. Just thinking was all.”

“Well come on, you and I can grab something to eat then hang out in my room.” His arm slipped around my shoulders and instantly I relaxed into his embrace.

Dinner was unexpectedly crashed by Jared and Misha tagging along. We found a twenty-four hours diner near the hotel that was nearly empty and we all spent a few hours talking, laughing. I could not help the sadness creeping over me as the minutes passed by. Minutes I was losing to have Jensen to myself. As if he read my mind he excused us to head back to the hotel.

We walked in silence, hand in hand. Stepping into the elevator, he pulled me into his side and I wrapped my arms around his waist. His room was on the opposite end of the same hall as mine. Stepping inside, the door clicking shut as we stood across from one another. It was like a shotgun going off as Jensen closed the distance between us. His hands sliding down my body as his mouth crashed to mine.

As suddenly as it happened, it was over.

“I’m sorry… shit. (Y/N) I’m really sorry.” His pleads confused me for a moment.

Breathing heavily as he stepped back further from me I blurted out, “W-Why are you apologizing? D-Did I do something wrong?”

His dark forest eyes snapped up, “You do something… you didn’t do anything but be you, (Y/N). I just couldn’t stop myself. This weekend has been the best one in my life. Being around you, holding your hand, kissing you has rejuvenated me. I just want more of you, all of you. Simple looks you give, the way you hold yourself and the moment you open yourself up to reach out to me. I just found myself unable to hold back anymore. I know…”

This time it was me who closed the distance between us. My lips crashing into his. My hands running up his broad chest and into his soft hair. The soft moan escaping my lips as we parted.

“I want you to have me…” I whispered in between breaths, “I’m nervous with a bunch of what ifs running in my head.”

“Do you trust me?” The corner of his lip curling upward.

“Yes.”

Jensen took my hand leading me into the bedroom of his suite. He gently picked me up and sat me on the bed. He knelt in front of me, slipping my shoes from my feet then pulling my socks off. His thumbs pressing into the bottom of my feet as I began to giggle.

“Oh… now that is an amazing sound. I must hear that again.” He smirked, tickling my feet.

I fell back in a fit of giggles as Jensen’s laughter joined mine. I leaned up on my elbows looking down at Jensen resting his chin on my knee. He lifted his brows asking permission and I nodded. His hands drifted over my calves, up to my knees and over my thighs.

“You have incredible legs. I found myself staring at them as you would walk in front of me with Sami. Wondering how they would feel beneath my hands.” He gently squeezed them near my hips.

His knee pressed into the mattress between my legs as his firm body hovered over mine. My fingers brushed against the hem of his shirt pushing it up and hesitantly touching his stomach. Jensen sucked in a quick breath as his hands paused on his hips. I focused on the feeling of his smooth, warm skin beneath my fingertips. His flat stomach is surprisingly soft.

I grasped the end of his shirt pulling it towards his head as he pulled back allowing it over his head. Taking it from my hands, he tossed it on the floor. I took in every inch of his skin from his muscles flexing to the freckles decorating it.

“You beautiful, you know that?” I did not think he heard me until I saw the smug smirk on his face.

He leaned down kissing me, “Stealing my lines, sweetheart.”

His hands went back to my hips as his lips left a trail of kisses down my neck, “You think that your softness is revolting, but I find it inviting.”

I froze as his hand pushed up into my shirt touching my stomach. I squirmed as he pushed my shirt up just under my bra. My hands threading through his hair as his lips pressed small kisses against my stomach.

“Jensen…” The tension in my tone caught his attention.

His eyes filled with worry, “Too much?”

I took a few deep breaths and shook my head, “I’m fine, promise.”

“See there you go, being brave and pushing yourself. You have no idea how sexy that is.” He murmured against my skin.

As Jensen’s mouth neared the waistband of my jeans, I tugged his hair motioning for him to come back up to her. He smiled randomly kissing spots along my body. His lips finally met mine as I slid my arms around him. His tongue swiped across my bottom lip as they parted for him. His gentleness and care to make me comfortable broke down the last existing wall of defense.

Their kiss deepened. My body burned with a need to feel Jensen’s skin against mine and to be close to him in every way physically possible. Foreign pressure began to simmer deep within me and I lifted my hips pressing them against his thigh.

He pulled away his eyes blown with passion searching mine for an answer to a silent question.

“Please… take away everything he did. I want to feel whole again.” I pleaded just above a whisper.

His lips were on mine again as he gently lifted me up further onto his bed. Sitting up, I pulled my shirt over my head holding it in front of me for a brief moment. His eyes watching my every move as I tossed it over the side. He reached behind me with one hand unclasping my bra in one swift movement.

I kissed his collarbone as he leaned in to do so, “Show off.”

He chuckled before leaning back and allowing me at my pace to unveiling my bare chest to him. I slid the straps down my arms holding it in place before playfully tossing it at him chuckling. Joking had always been my way of dealing with uncomfortable moments. When I looked up his eyes were drifting down my bare upper body.

“You’re beautiful, you know that?” He smirked as I rolled my eyes at him, “Seriously, (Y/N)... you’re absolutely stunning.”

He ran his hand down my chest, between my breasts and down to my jeans. He undid the button and slowly drew down the zipper. Hooking his fingers with a belt loops dragging my jeans down my legs. I shivered as the cool air hit my skin. Jensen tossed them off to the side then began to place gentle, open mouth kisses up my leg.

My breaths were coming out in small little puffs the further up my leg he got. His mouth hovered over her cotton cover mound inching closer to it. My teeth dug into my lip desperately wanting him to press them against me. Instead he kept his path up my body stopping at my breasts. He cupped the side of one running his thumb over my nipple.

A long sigh escaping my lips from just the slightest touch from him, “O-Oh… Jensen…” His mouth had gently suckled my other nipple, the pressure turning to an ache between my legs.

“You have no idea hearing my name from your lips does to me.” He softly said before circling my nipple with his tongue.

Feeling bold, I slid my hand down between us running it along the hard bulge being restrained by denim. Jensen sucked in a sharp breath dropping his head between my breasts, “Shit…”

“I believe I have some kind of an idea.” I smiled as he grinded himself against my palm.

He stood up at the edge of the bed, his intense stare making me tremble with anticipation. Leaning forward, his fingers hooked the sides of her cotton panties and pulled them down until they were on the floor.

“Exquisite, flawless, perfect.”

“As are you.” I sat up until I was sitting on the edge in front of him.

My hands trembled as I unbuttoned his jeans and carefully unzipped them. Jensen let out a soft hiss as I brushed against his length. His hands cupped my face pulling my lips to his urgently kissing me. I pushed his jeans and boxers down as far as I could before he pushed me back onto the mattress. His hand drifting down my body until his fingers pressed against my folds.

“Jensen, please…” I begged needing to feel any kind of relief from the pressure pulsating from between my legs, “Ohhh… god.”

Jensen began to rub lazy circles against my clit. My hips grinding against his hand as his lips pressed just below my ear, “Are you okay?”

His question sober me from the drunken stupor of desire and I placed my hand over his pushing down further, “More than okay.”

Jensen pushed one long finger deep inside me with a hiss, “Fuck pretty girl, your so tight.” He slowly pushed a second finger inside.

My head pressed against the mattress, my back arching as he pumped his thick fingers in me, “More, oh please Jensen, I need more.”

His pace picked up and I looked up to his face. His eyes wide and dark watching me come undone as his thumb rubbed harshly against my throbbing clit, “Jensen!” I cried out overwhelming pleasure wrecked through my body.

Breathing heavily, my body shaking slightly as he pulled his fingers from me, “Now that was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.”

A slow grin spread across my face as I pulled his mouth to mine. He positioned himself between my legs pulling away slightly, his lips grazing against mine.

“Are you sure? We can stop if you want.” Jensen’s tone was tense as I felt his length resting against my folds.

I kissed him, “I need you. All of you.”

He braced himself up with one arm as his hand slipped between us. Jensen ran the swollen head along my slickness before nudging it against my entrance. The room filled with groans and heavy breaths as Jensen slowly sheathed himself within me. There was a singe of pain as I stretched taking him his thick length but quickly was replaced with immense pleasure as he thrusted gently into me.

“So. Tight.” He panted against my cheek.

I wrapped my arms and legs around him digging my heels into him. Each stroke pushing me further to the edge. Feeling every muscle straining along his back and arms. His head buried in the crook of my neck grunting almost painfully. I knew then he was holding back.

I pressed my lips to his ear, “Jensen, I won’t break. You’re making me feel incredible, but I want you to let go. Show me how I make you feel.”

A low growl rumbled from his chest as he nipped at my neck and his hips snapped against me. The echoes of our skin meeting, loving praises and the headboard against the wall filled the room. I started to meet each thrust of his, the coil within me ready to snap. His hands were gripping my shoulders holding me against his burning body. I clung to him scraping my nails against his back making him growl again.

“Shit Jensen, I’m so close. Just a little more, oh god please!” I beg as he thrusted into me feverishly small grunts coming from him, “Yes, yes, oh… Jensen!”

My whole body was shaking as an intense wave of euphoria covered me. Pulsating around him, he abandoned all control chasing his own release.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” He gritted his teeth as his body went rigid before slamming into me his length twitching deep within me, “Holy shit…”

Jensen rode out his release, his arms shaking to the point he could not hold himself up anymore. I groaned as he pulled out leaving me empty. He rolled onto his back breathing heavily as I curled into his side burying my head into his chest.

“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” His concern only made me cling to him more.

I shook my head, “No, I’m just overwhelmed. Too many feelings at once.”

“Talk it out. Tell me what you’re feeling.” Jensen wrapped his arms around me holding me close.

I took a deep breath, “I’m feeling exhilaration, bliss, pleasure. Right now, I’m feeling empty and it’s almost like I can’t breath. I feel scared by how much I need to feel your touch.”

His fingers were drawing small circles against my bare back, “If that’s your way of asking for round two, you’re going to have to wait for a little bit. I haven’t come like that since I was a teenager.”

There was a brief moment of silence before I started to laugh. My body shaking from the laughter pouring from my lips. I kissed his chest, “Thank you.”

“You never need to thank me. It’s my honor to make you laugh. Bring your pleasure. Praise you for your beautifulness. More importantly, always holding you close to me.”

I entwined my legs with his as he pulled the sheet over our naked bodies. Just when I thought he was about to fall asleep, I slipped my hand over his soft member then pressed my lips just under his chin.

“Round two?”

If you enjoyed this story then check out my Masterlist!

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#jensen ackles fanfiction #jensen ackles fanfic #jensen ackles x plus size!reader #jensen ackles #angst #fluff #smut

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my-fanfic-soul · 4 years ago

Text

Writing Update

Feel free to skip over this, it’s going to be long and honestly, not many of you are going to care but I thought it deserved to be put out there. It’ll have information on the future of my writing on this website included, so if you’re here for my fics, it may be of interest.

There were so many moments this year where I didn’t think I was going to make it to 2021. I was never actively suicidal, but I wasn’t always taking care of myself. I couldn’t see how I could possibly make it this far. When my depression wasn’t at an all time high, the fear of catching COVID and dying had my anxiety at a level that I didn’t even know was possible. This year has been absolute shit for me and so many of you and my mental health took a massive blow because of it.

But in my darkest moments, I rediscovered a passion that I thought was lost to me. I’ve never stopped writing, but I had become reclusive. I shared my moments of perceived brilliance with S and dreamed of one day being published, but I was missing the spark to go beyond a few chapters.

I started reading on Wattpad because books had become my lifeline while the rest of the world was falling apart but I needed to find free material that still held my interest. I stumbled upon a (pretty niche) fandom and it was like I was alive again. I devoured the canon material. I waded through dozens of fics. Fic idea after fic idea of my own were racing through my mind. I tried to hold off out of guilt over my unfinished fics on this website and a gut fear that I would never be able to finish the new ones because I had lost my passion for the Harry and Niall fics.

I couldn’t stop though and I’m now 31 parts into my first fic in that fandom with two more nearly ready to join it. People are reading it and they’re enjoying it and even though they’ll never be published, these stories are giving me something that I had lost. When I post new chapters, I’m excited instead of filled with dread.

There’s still guilt over my work on this website, though. I still love Niall and Harry but I’ve been able to admit to myself that I don’t connect with Harry the way I used to. He’s a wonderful, attractive human but my interests have shifted. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to write about him in the way that I used to. It feels like a relationship where we both grew up and grew apart with no hard feelings but with an understanding that we just don’t belong together, anymore.

When it comes to Niall and the fic I have for him, life has changed far too much since I began that piece. I’ve grown, Niall has grown, and I’m really struggling with what I know I wanted to happen versus the way reality went. I think there’s a real possibility that I could come back to writing Niall, and even that fic, but right now it’s just not working out. I don’t even want to try because it puts my creative mind into a bad place that becomes a ripple effect for everything else I’m working on.

I won’t be deleting any of my one shots or fics. I honestly do hold out hope that one day I’ll be in the right mindset to come back and finish No Need to Regret (Niall fic). The biggest difference is that I’m going into 2021 writing in a fandom that I love, that’s challenging me, and it’s the first time in a long time that I’m comfortable with where I am, writing wise. While also not lying to myself (or you guys) about the likelihood of updates anytime soon here on Tumblr.

I’ll still be around here reblogging pictures and other random things and just in general being a nuisance. It still makes me happy when I see people liking or reblogging my old one shots. I still like keeping up with mutuals lives, even though I’m not reading much in the way of Niall/Harry fics these days. I’m just going into 2021 focusing on something that brings my joy even though everything else is shit.

#it's a little dramatic because im dramatic but whatever

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maaji-maji-majima · 4 years ago

Note

some kissing hcs for Majima?(if u can make it nsfw)

So I'm in a weird place with this. I don't want to leave you unanswered but I know you won't like the answer that I give. It has been a long time since I was active on tumblr and I'm not sure when along the timeline headcanon became synonymous with fanfiction. I appreciate fanfiction authors for their creativity, but I am not one myself. I use headcanon in the older definition of "this isn't in the source material, but it is true in my brain". They are either random things my half asleep mind thought of while walking home from work or a character analysis. At the same token your ask had crawled into my brainmeats and won't leave. So again, I apologize that this most definitely is not what you're looking for, but I hope someone out there finds this to be an interesting read.

Without further introduction, here is a character analysis of our favorite pansexual, gender fluid, emotionally stunted goblin in regards to relationships and why the he desperately needs therapy as brought to you by a different pansexual, gender fluid, emotionally stunted goblin who got therapy but probably needs more.

Trigger warnings: Abuse, self harm, mental disorders, poor coping strategies, unhealthy relationships, random tense changes, not fanfiction

Spoilers for the whole franchise, but very specifically for 0, K1, and 5.

Abuse does weird things to people's brains. In Yakuza 0 Majima has barely been out of the hole for a year. He might no longer be suffering the actual physical torture he had been subjected to the year prior, but he is still directly in the hands of his abusers and being watched every moment. He is still in a cage even if it doesn't look like one. He is depressed and likely suicidal, but doesn't follow through with those thoughts because he is determined to make sure Saejima has a home to come back to. He is willing to endure just about anything to allow Saejima a chance to exact that final moment of retribution because Saejima is the one who deserves it and Majima doesn't feel that there is any possibility for forgiveness. In all likelihood he hasn't sought out anyone for a hookup or paid company for an evening due to a combination of not feeling like he deserves anything that feels good and the fact that he's constantly being watched. The year in hole means he no longer really has a concept of privacy, but he's worried that getting close to someone, even for a few moments, could put them in danger if Sagawa or Shimano feels like holding something else over his head. It isn't worth accidentally dragging someone into his own personal hell. He no longer lives for the present, he is only living for that far-off future that he hopes isn't just a pipe dream.

Enter Makoto. At first she is a stand-in for Saejima's sister Yasuko, but it morphs rapidly from there. She is the light and kindness and hope that he hasn't seen in years and she's being dragged into his bullshit. He knows in his heart of hearts that she doesn't deserve what she is being forced into, so his mind snaps into the immediate and does everything he possibly can to save her. This is is the hill he wants to die on. Maybe, just maybe, he can end his miserable existence with a final act of good and he feels that Saejima might just be able to understand. But because he no longer has any relationships in his life that are not strictly professional or the abusers he cannot escape, he has little recollection of what a nuanced relationship or even friendship is any longer. Due to circumstance she is also the only person that he cannot keep at arm's length, no matter how desperately he tries. So he falls for her and falls hard. But in the end, after everything they go through he does the impossible. He lets her go. She has a life and a future, whereas he has neither of those. What would she do? Become his ane-san? Have some temporary happiness before she realizes she has a target on her back for the rest of her life? No. Majima believes she deserves so much more than that even though it hurts him deeply. What is one more hurt on top of everything else? He's gotten extremely good at burying his pain.

Getting to Tokyo flips a switch in Majima's brain. Like many people with mental trauma who don't have access to therapy he falls into excess as a way of self medicating. He fits virtually everything on the hedonism checklist. Drinking? Yeah. Violence? Hell yeah! Promiscuity? Yeah, but I ain't judging. Drugs? Probably, even though it isn't explicitly stated in game. Everything from his shift in personality to his wardrobe has become, intentionally or not, a defense mechanism. He has escaped from all of his abusers except for Shimano and he refuses to allow anyone to gain that kind of power over him again.

It is a double edged sword, however. His depression and PTSD are running unchecked. In all likelihood he hasn't fallen hard on vices as a way to reclaim ownership off his own body. Instead it seems more probable that he is dissociating. After everything he has been through he doesn't care what happens to his body in the long run because it isn't actually his anymore. Risky behavior, which is practically Majima's middle name, is also frequently used as a passive form of self harm because the end result is either temporarily feeling better thanks to endorphins and adrenaline or permanently feeling better after embracing death. He could achieve a similar feeling by taking up jogging and chasing a runners high, but that takes more time and energy than chugging a handle of whiskey or goading some chump into throwing hands. Sadly even now admitting to mental problems by seeking help is fairly stigmatized in Japan and it was only worse in the early 90s. Can't have a problem if no one tells you it's there, right?

Then he meets Mirei. She's intense but not wild like Majima. At that moment in time she is everything he needs. Head strong, domineering, and very, very determined. She knows exactly what buttons to press to wrap him right around her finger. And he lets her take the reigns, lets her run his life because he realizes he was doing a terrible job on his own. Better her than Shimano, right? Doing something wrong results in the cold shoulder instead of a vicious beating, and doing something right leads to more than simply the relief of avoiding a beating. He decides that making her happy is enough to make him happy. Until suddenly it isn't. He never wanted to be a father, but even the idea that he could have been was enough to cause a fundamental shift in his entire outlook on life. He could have had someone to live for, instead of just survive for. But he had no say in the matter and didn't know until the decision had been made for him. When Mirei told him she had an abortion he snapped. He hit her. The one and only time he raised his hands against her. Disgusted with himself, and wounded by her decision, he left. If he was capable of that, he knew couldn't be the person she had been trying to mold him into. He realized he was nothing but a weight around her neck dragging her down. And so that day signals the end of their short marriage. He spends the next several decades drowning in guilt for his actions while still resenting her for her choice.

That leaves us with Kiryu. Poor, oblivious Kiryu. Majima's fixation is multifaceted but in no small part due to the fact that Kiryu is one of the few people strong enough to hurt him, but is the only one that doesn't want to. And Majima just doesn't understand. After everything, he only deserves to hurt, right? Saejima, Yasuko, Makoto, Mirei. Everyone who gets too close to him ends up worse for it, so why won't Kiryu and his sense of honor seek justice on their behalf? So he does everything he possibly can to wind up Kiryu enough to Pay Attention Damnit, Fight Me. But Kiryu's response is always just flustered awkwardness because he doesn't want like fighting, it's just a part of his job, like wearing a suit or answering a phone. To Kiryu fighting isn't a thing done because it's enjoyable, it's done because it has to be. But he's still the only one who doesn't flinch when Majima brandishes a knife inches from his face.

And then Kiryu is arrested and in jail for ten years. And ten years is a long time to build someone up onto a pedestal. Like only wanting to talk about the best of a person after they've died. The same thing happened with Saejima. Build them in his mind to what he wants or needs them to be since they are not there to actively correct it. The decade is pretty miserable, going through the motions and trying to not make waves with the bigwigs while terrifying the minions into obedience. When he hears Kiryu is being released it is like waking up again. He all but waits at the taxi stand at the entrance of Kamurocho on the day of Kiryu's release, all but vibrating with excitement. It's a fight he has been waiting on for a decade, too bad it was little more than a disappointment.

So Majima decides to bring him back up to spec in that very Majima flavored way. Small fights, big fights, surprise fights. Kiryu is still reluctant because he doesn't have a reason beyond Majima's dreamed up training program he doesn't actually want to be a part of. Of course this only leads Majima to do everything possible to get under Kiryu's skin, including sharing his personal vulnerabilities while disguising them as jokes just to cause fights, but Kiryu just kind of rolls with it which leads to confusion and frustration on both sides. After a while Majima starts to get into Kiryu's hobbies, like pocket circuit, ostensibly as another form of picking a fight. And he discovers he actually enjoys a lot of it. And they are both too dense and emotionally stunted to realize they're basically dating at this point. At multiple points Majima takes potentially lethal blows meant for Kiryu and the excuse that he is the only one allowed to kill Kiryu is very, very thin. He just can't quite admit out loud that he doesn't want to see Kiryu truly hurt because that's weakness and he is Not Weak (tm).

Shimano's death and Kiryu's departure from the clan come as a whirlwind that destroys him all over again. He's left directionless. So he leaves the Tojo in an attempt to find his own way in the world, for the first time in over twenty years.

I think I need to call it here for now. I know I've left out Saejima and Daigo, among others, but I've been working on this for days and my progress has been eaten twice and I just don't have the energy to keep going right at this time. Maybe some day in the future I'll find the time and energy to write out the rest for all the other games.

tl;dr What Majima wants and what he needs are two different things. He wants to fightfuck, but he needs to be bear hugged into submission so that he can have that mental breakdown he's been carefully bottling up for over thirty years. He needs a good, ugly cry. And therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.

#ask #character analysis #not fanfiction #yakuza games #yakuza headcanons #majima character analysis #rgg #rgg games #majima #majima goro #broken people doing broken things

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imagination-is-key-in-my-world · 4 years ago

Text

Chime

Authors Note: I am 100% a big fan of A Cinderella Story which is what had inspired me to write this piece. I know it has been a long time since I had written anything but a lot has been going on in my life. This story is inspired by my own mental health issues as well as my ultimate dream that Tom Holland would sweep me off my feet. [Do not tell my Fiancé that I told you guys that!] Also, I got a brand-new laptop that has made writing so much more efficient than my iPad. Hopefully, I will be more active on my page. Please feel free to contact me to share your thoughts.

Summary: So, you are currently struggling with anxiety which is not easy as a high school student. Things are not getting easier now that your best friend is leaving to go to another school, leaving you behind to deal with your senior year alone. That is how you feel every day – alone. But your life suddenly changes when you stumble across an app that allows people to chat anonymously with people who share similar interests without sharing too much. Only you did not expect that this new app would take over your life and provide you with someone who you no longer think you could cope without. But who is on the other end of the phone?

Warning: Possible swearing and mental health triggers.

Pairing: Reader x Tom Holland

Word Count: 6,758

Counting the dew drops on the window was getting completely tedious at this point. There you sat in complete silence for what must have been a couple of minutes. But to you, it had felt like hours, if not days. Not that you were being dramatic at all.

You are not exactly the type of person who many people would typically associate with the nature of popularity. You did not have that many followers on your social media accounts. Therefore, it should not have been that surprising that your phone was not “blowing” up with notifications at this time of day.

Your best friend Cleo always told you that if you wanted to make something of your life, you needed to leave the house for more than just school.

“But!” You would always protest, “everything I need is right here.” Cleo was one member of a small social group that you bothered with both in and outside of school. When it came to forming groups in class, all your teachers knew that you needed to be put with a friend or you would be catastrophically unresponsive with a slight hint of a mini meltdown beginning to form.

The thing is you suffer with a high level of anxiety when it comes to meeting and conversing with people outside of your friendship circle. To make matters worse, the whole school was aware of this problem and would constantly tease and mimic the blubbering mess you turned into when you had to answer a question in the middle of class. There would be pointing as well as laughing as you would literally shake and break a sweat in front of everyone. Let us just say, this may have been one of the many reasons that your group only had 5 members and that includes you and queen Cleo.

The phone chimed and it shook you from your thoughts. When you finally unlocked it, you noticed that it was only Cleo cancelling on you yet again. Earlier that evening you had asked Cleo to come over and discuss the nature of Cleo moving schools in the fall. Both of you were meant to discuss how you personally were going to cope with the everyday torment and painful endeavours that was a big part of school life. But from that disappointed look on your face, it was obvious that Cleo was only blowing you off to spend more time with her new boyfriend.

“Knock knock” Your mother stated as she blatantly barged into your room. “Hey baby, I’m going to the store do you need anything at all?” As per usual you would shake your head and try not to make any eye contact with your mother at all. “Okay, well make sure that you feed the dog for me while I am gone and try and get some sun, you’re looking a little pale, baby.”

It was typical of your mother to attempt to force you out of your comfort zone. It was getting quite embarrassing for her at the teacher/parent evenings when she was called in to discuss another “issue.” It is not like you do not want to make more of an effort in class and with people, it just does not come as easy to you as it may for everyone else. The idea of people hearing you call out an answer in class and have it been wrong is absolutely devastating and crucifying for you.

You picked up your phone and decided that Facebook was worth one last scroll through before you decide that it was worthless and throw your phone back onto the bed for the 14th time that day. You were scrolling away half-heartedly, not really reading through the posts that people had shared as it was probably the same drama that it always was. It was as you thought, but suddenly your mind decided to switch back on when it reached a pop up that you would typically ignore. “Attention all Introverts.” Obviously, this caught your attention, it was in freaking bold print. You cannot ignore anything when it is in bold print! Clicking on the link, you decided to curiously read on.

“Attention all Introverts,

Have you ever felt lonely and isolated? Well this is the app for you. Become anyone you want to be, talk to anyone you would like – with total anonymity.

[This app gives you the confidence to express yourself to total strangers without the fear of judgements. If you are terrified of being vulnerable around other people while being your true self, then this is the app for you]”

Of course, you were sceptical at first but that was when you remembered how difficult it was to be your friend, relative and even teacher. Then before you could even stop yourself, you clicked onto the app and the download began. Nothing happened at all, other than the app appearing onto your phone’s home screen amongst other apps like Tumblr and Facebook. But you just thought there was going to be a sudden flash of lightning and you would be overwhelmed with confidence like you see in the movies. However, this was not the movies, this was your life and there you sat on the edge of your bed still shaking like a leaf.

It took you about half an hour to install all of your relevant information into the app. Mostly because you were trying to convince yourself that it was a stupid idea and that you should just delete it straight away. Although there was a faint voice in the back of your head telling you to do it. Part of it sounded like Cleo, while another part of the voice sounded like a stranger to you.

Once you had finished setting up the app, you left your phone on your dresser and walked into the lounge to watch that new episode of Ru Paul’s drag race that you had missed on Netflix. You managed to get through two episodes, a giant bag of Cheetos and a litre of Dr Pepper before crashing out on the sofa.

A loud chime from the bedroom woke you from your slumber. Your mother was sat on the edge of the sofa watching one of her true crime documentaries when she noticed you becoming startled.

“You okay honey?” You wipe your eyes and nod. “Do you want anything to eat or are you all set for bed?”

“Bed.” You mumble as you pick up the rubbish that had surrounded you on your makeshift bed for the afternoon.

“Okay, love you honey.” She called back as you threw away the rubbish into the trash and made your way into your bedroom. You practically fell onto your bed before you remembered the chime that had woken you in the first place. Grasping your phone, you unlocked it hesitantly, shielding your eyes from the brightness behind it to reveal a message from an unknown number. One word, one syllable and one emotion, fear.

‘Hey’

In your head these words kept rolling through your mind. What do I do now? Do I message back or do I leave it alone? Will they think I am ignoring them if I do not reply? Well of course they would, the app has probably notified them that it has been read. You started pacing in your bedroom chanting the words over and over in your head ‘What do I do? What do I do?’

It was almost like a reflex after a while as your fingers typed away.

‘HEY’ Too eager

‘Hiya’ Too girly

‘Hi’ Too blunt

Sup’ Too weird

Each message you typed your anxiety took over and criticised it, controlling your fingers to delete and retype.

‘Hey’ Was the message that you had settled for. It had been almost an hour and a half since you had received the message from Lonerboy101 and you had not even pressed send yet. The message was still sitting in your text box with the curser bouncing away at the end of the sentence.

There was a knock at your door which startled you, causing your fingers to slide across the phone’s screen. “I’m going to bed now Hun, goodnight.”

“Night.” You tried hard to sound cheery but as per usual failed to do so as your mother closed your bedroom door. ‘No, no, no’ you repeated in a small murmur. Fear washed over you as you regretted every minute that it took to write that message and the one milli second that it took to get sent out through the universe to reach this Lonerboy101.

You dropped the phone into your duvet and grabbed the pillow next to you. Bringing the plush cushion up to your face, burying it to let out a light scream.

*Chime*

Lonerboy101 - ‘How long did it take you to write that message. Mine took about 2 hours.’

You reread the message a couple of times because you couldn’t believe that although this person knew you were somewhat ignoring him off when you had initially received his message, he still replied to yours. Not only that but he had made a joke about how long it had taken to send a reply.

It took you a couple of minutes to decide whether you were going to go through with it and message this person back. Or whether you should just back out now and forget that this ever happened.

But that was your phone in your hand and those were your fingers typing a reply.

Hidingintheshadows - ‘About an hour and a half.’

You sent the reply off and almost felt a sudden pang of relief. That this was not as bad as you had originally perceived it to be. That it was almost the same as talking to Cleo or any of the other girls.

*Chime*

Lonerboy101 - ‘So, this is weird right?’

Before you knew it, the delays between the messages decreased quite significantly. There was the standard 3 minutes to think of a response and then another 5 to send the message but the conversation had felt a little less risky compared to how it did at the very start.

Hidingintheshadows - ‘It is a bit weird, I guess.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘So, are you an old creepy guy like me?

Hidingintheshadows - ‘That is a joke, right?’

Lonerboy101 - ‘Yeah it is a joke, sorry very dry sense of humour. Don’t have that many people to try my jokes out on.’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘That’s a relief.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘It’s a relief that I do not have many friends?’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘No! I did not mean that! I am so sorry.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘Another joke. Sorry when I am nervous, I tell bad jokes. I forget that I am not really good at them and text form is really hard to tell tone.’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Sorry for not being able to tell when you’re joking.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘Don’t worry, you wouldn’t be the first. Although you probably are, I only just downloaded this app today.’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Same.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘You don’t say [type] much do you?’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Not really, sorry.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘You know you don’t have to keep apologising to me all the time, right?’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Oh sorry.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘[insert face palm emoji]’

The last message made you smile. Cleo had always been telling you that you apologise way too much and that it can get annoying. It would get to the point where you would apologise for things you did not do just because it sounded like the right thing to say.

Hidingintheshadows - ‘I will work on it.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘So what brings you to Introverted Conversions?’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Fear of the world and everyone in it, basically.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘Oh my gosh same!’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Really?’

Lonerboy101 - ‘No, but I am touched that you still cannot sense my sarcasm.’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘I’ll work on that too.’

Lonerboy101 - ‘Promise?’

Hidingintheshadows - ‘Promise!’

It had almost become a routine for you and Lonerboy101 to talk during the late afternoon and evening. Occasionally, you would get notified in the middle of the day, but he knew that you were not ignoring him and that you had school obligations. No one really knows about him at all, you have done well at keeping this away from Cleo as you knew she would only judge you for it.

‘You’re talking to a stranger online who had admitted he was an old creepy man.’ Even the thought made you laugh. Since the first night, you had discovered a lot about Lonerboy101. Nothing like names and addresses. But more personal stuff like how it feels having crippling anxiety and not having someone who really understands.

***

It was the last day before Cleo left for her new school and you woke up feeling quite comfortable for the first time in a long time. It was almost as if your body has finally gotten used to the idea that the day was going to come that you would need to stand up on your own. It was not a good feeling per say, but it was slightly empowering to know that you could become your own person, instead of being Cleo’s weird friend.

*Chime*

Your heart began to beat rapidly in your chest as you practically dove for the phone on your bed. Only to have it violently shoot back down when the name on your lock screen did not read Lonerboy101.

Cleo – ‘Hey, I am downstairs! Snag me a piece of toast considering you are not exactly going to eat it!’

Every morning your mum would make pancakes, French toast, and scrambled eggs that you could choose from to snack on during your walk to school. Only you are not exactly a French toast and scrambled eggs kind of person and she knows that. It is just her way of trying to make a connection with you early in the day.

You – ‘Be right down, pancakes or French toast?’

You replied as you waved to your mum who was sliding through her emails while nursing a hot mug of coffee. “Hey, Baby! Have a great day at school, okay?” The last part of this routine she does every morning always feels like she is questioning you, making sure that you are aware that a ‘great day at school’ depends 100% on you alone.

*Chime*

Lonerboy101 – ‘Pancakes please. Although, I don’t think they will be any good by the time I receive them!’

‘Oh no!’ You thought. You did not think really think to check the contact that you were on when you sent the message out. You had simply read the lock screen and the most recent person you were chatting to was the person that appeared on the screen.

Quickly you grabbed a pancake and your bags and sulked out the door.

Hidingintheshadows – ‘I am so sorry, that was meant for my friend.’

Lonerboy101 – ‘Are we not friends? I am offended’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Wait no I mean yes you are, but I do not really know you. God I am sorry…’

Lonerboy101 – ‘Wow! What did I say about the apologising? And what about the whole sarcasm thing? You should now know when I am pulling your chain.’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Sorry’

Lonerboy101 – ‘No. More. Sorry.’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Damn, I didn’t mean to I swear.’

Lonerboy101 – ‘Calm, it is okay. Chain. Pulling. But going back to this pancake…’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘What about it?’

Lonerboy101 – ‘You have made me hungry. And now I need to go out and find me a pancake to soothe this carb craving I have going on.’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Good luck with that.’

Lonerboy101 – ‘Good Luck with school today! Speak to you later! X’

What the heck is that? Fear washed over your face as you met Cleo at the bottom of the stairs to your apartment building.

“Y/N? Are you okay? You look a little pale?” It took everything you had to not blurt out every little secret that you had been keeping about Lonerboy101 to Cleo. To almost get some advice on how to handle this newfound “boy drama” in your life. You open your mouth to begin to spill the beans. “Oh, I know!” Cleo interrupted, “it is because today is my last day and you have no idea how you will survive without me!”

Not quite on the nose but nice to see that your friend really does care about you, while she makes every drama about herself. This was just another typical response from Cleo. One you have put up with for an exceptionally long time. Instead of arguing with your best friend on the beginning of her last day, you decide to just bite your lip and nod.

“It will be okay, sunshine!” A little nickname she gave you when you were both little and in Kindergarten. “We will still have Facetime and we can still meet up during the holidays.” Suddenly you were pulled into a tight embrace as an overexaggerated sigh left her lips. “Now come on mopey.” Yet another nickname that you were given because of your constant state of enthusiasm caused by your mental condition. “Let’s get to school before people forget that they will never see this face walk those halls again.”

Meanwhile in your head the little “X” at the end of Lonerboy101’s latest reply repeatedly flashed across your mind as Cleo droned on about how annoying packing up her extensive collection of shoes and makeup has been for her.

***

It did not matter what lesson you were in, if you were having “a moment” as your mother likes to call it, everything just seems to become pointless. Science was one of your favourite subjects mainly because of the unpredictable experiments that you can perform. But today it just seemed as though someone had placed a weighted scarf on top of your shoulders and told you to “deal with it.”

“Can anyone tell me their findings from their group’s chemical reaction?” All eyes went to you as everyone in the class knew that you were Mr King’s favourite pupil. Mr King was the only teacher that managed to get a response out of you in class. But today, he might as well have been talking to a brick wall.

“Y/N?” This would later be explained to you after class that it was the fifth attempt Mr King had made to pry your attention away from your notebook where you had been filling in the margins with your pen.

When you looked up, there were people gossiping and snickering about what they had just witnessed. “Can I see you after class?” Mr King had asked once he regained the focus of the class.

This was not the first time that a teacher had asked to speak with you after class. Especially Mr King. Not that he made a habit to discipline you outside of lesson, but because he was always concerned about how you were feeling after you had one of you “moments.”

“What is going on, Y/N? Do I need to call your mother?” He did not say it in a stern way that other teachers would have. But for him, it was more of a genuine question for your own personal well-being. “Some of the other teacher’s approached me today in the teacher’s lounge to discuss you. They said that you have been unresponsive all day. I heard that Cleo is leaving today, does that have anything to do with how you’re coping with today?”

You shook your head. “Cleo has nothing to do with it!” You snapped, and you never snap which startled Mr King. “I’m sorry.” You whispered when you saw how set back, he was from your reply. “I just do not know what to do anymore.”

“With what?” He perched on the edge of his desk. Holding his hand up to stop the next class from entering the classroom. “What is getting to you? I can see if I can help?” While most teachers would just shrug you off, Mr King tried to get down to the root problem to help you resolve any issue that you may be having during the day. This was because Mr King had made you aware that his daughter too suffers from major anxiety issues as well.

“It’s stupid, I should not have said anything. I will be okay, Mr King.” You gathered your books from the table and stuffed them into the oversized backpack that was now slung over your shoulder. “Can you quickly write me a note for Mrs Bateman? I do not want the teachers to have more of a reason to talk about me.”

Mr King picked up a pad and pen and began to write a note excusing you for your lateness. “It will get better, Y/N. I am here whenever you need a chat, okay?” He handed you the note and you basically bolted out of the room.

Although you felt bad for being short with Mr King, you could not quite help it. It was not as if you could simply come out and tell him that you were not upset because your best friend for 16 years was now leaving you behind. But it was all down to an “X” placed on the end of a text message from a boy you have not met but have been talking to for 3 weeks non-stop!

***

You slowly approached the lunch table that you and your friends sat at during every lunch since you had started at the school. They were all laughing and joking which did slightly lift your spirits. Cleo had turned to look over her shoulder and noticed your arrival. The smile on her face had sank and the laughing at the table had died along with it.

“Hey Y/N!” Cleo tried to sound pleased to see you but you knew something was up. Since when was Cleo being false with you? She normally reserved that type of “hey” for the girls that talk about how amazing they are.

Sinking down into the spare chair that has been yours for years at the table you tried to force a smile. “So, we were all thinking…” Instantly you hated where this was going. “That it would be really fun to all go to the dance tonight as a final farewell to Cleo!” The girls shrieked as Hannah finished her sentence. A dance was the last place you wanted to be. Today of all days.

The girls all looked at you for your response. “A dance?” The girls all squealed again in unison, practically bouncing in their seats.

“Don’t you think it would be fun.” Hannah stated rather than asked.

“Dances aren’t really my thing.” You said hesitantly. The last thing you wanted to do was to annoy any of the friends that you had left. Especially considering how they were going to be the ones you would now have to rely on once Cleo had left.

“Nothing is really your thing!” Elizabeth snickered. Cleo’s death stare shot over to Liz and her head instantly fell. So that’s why Cleo was so weird when you came over. It was because she knew that you were not exactly going to be over the moon with the new plan for Cleo’s last day celebration. Before lunch, the plan was to go bowling and then get pizza. A less daunting but still hard to stomach plan. This new plan involved dressing up and trying to socialise with people who were not exactly the nicest to you.

“Y/N, it is completely up to you. We can go to the dance and party it up like it is the last day we are going to be alive. Or we can just go and get pizza and knock over a couple of pins with an over weighted bowling ball.” When Cleo said it like that, neither sounded appealing. But it was obvious the way that she laid it out that the dance was the one event she was going to be happy attending tonight.

“Can I think about it?” The girls all sighed and Callum shook you by the shoulders. Literally shook you as if physically moving your body was somehow going to make you change your mind. “Ow!”

“Callum! Do not do that!” Cleo yelled at her boyfriend. At least she was still defending you even if she was trying to push you to do something that made you uncomfortable. It was almost as if she defended you to make you reconsider. “Just one little dance? We can go whenever you want and stay however long you want.” Her puppy dog eyes were out and her hands were clasped in front of her.

Along with your crippling fear of being around other people, your anxiety also made you hate disappointing those that you care about. “Fine.” Was all you managed to say before all the girls and Callum began to cheer. At least he did not try to shake you again otherwise you thought you may physically puke from excessive unwanted physical contact.

While all the others were discussing what they were going to wear, you reached for your phone and began to contact the only person on the planet who didn’t make you feel like you were wrong for feeling this type of way.

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Have you ever been forced to do something you don’t really want do because your friends want you to?’

You debated for a couple of seconds before adding your own “X” onto the end of your text.

Your phone vibrated in your hand. Thank God you had turned the volume off when you got to school. Cleo would not have left you alone for one second if she knew you were texting a guy.

Lonerboy101 – ‘Who is making you do something? What something? Is it illegal? X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘1. Nothing illegal. 2. Friends and 3. Go to a stupid high school dance where I will be uncomfortable for the entire evening. X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘That wasn’t the order that I put my questions in. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘I thought I would start with the one that could get me in a jail cell! X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘I’ve got this feeling that you’d rock an orange jumpsuit so you would be fine. Although the lack of our communication would be quite unsettling. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘I think I will cope. X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘I was talking about me! I look forward to my Chime every day. X’

You could not help but blush when you read that last part of his message. You could not bring yourself to message him back stating that it was also your highlight of the day too. Lonerboy101 has become a big part of your life and that was quite hard to admit considering you did not know his name or what he even looked like. You barely even knew the boy and yet it felt as though you knew everything there was to know about him.

Lonerboy101 – ‘Sorry was that weird? Let us get back to the problem at hand… A party was not it? X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘No and my friend is leaving and I do not want to be mean and not turn up to her “leaving do” but I do not think I will be able to cope with that many people. Especially because they all think that I am a freak. X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘When is the party? You are not a freak by the way. Might I just add that is the longest text you have ever sent. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Tonight, at school. I do not want to go and be the joke of the party. X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘This is a tough one. I can be there if you want. For moral support. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘You can’t obviously turn up to a school that you don’t go to just to attend a stupid dance. X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘I’ll be a virtual guest. You can text me whenever you think that it is getting too much and I will use my powers of persuasion to lift those spirits and put a smile on your beautiful face. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘How can you say I am beautiful. You have never even seen me? X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘I see the beauty in everything. But you, you are something much more. X’

***

“You cannot wear that!” Cleo snapped when she saw the outdated and over worn outfit that you were wearing on your body. “No this will not do.” Lucky enough for her, your mother and Cleo are quite close. Closer than you are to your own mother. “Leanne! Come and tell your daughter that this is terrible and that she cannot wear this to a school dance.”

Within seconds your mother was in your room judging the clothes that she paid for that you were wearing. “No baby girl, this is your first dance. There is no way in hell I am going to let you leave this apartment building wearing that.”

Your mother’s hand was now grasped around your wrist and you were being dragged into your mother’s bedroom. “Now try this on.” In her hand she was holding a long black dress with a sequin detail at the top of the bust. She could tell that you were resistant so she pulled you in front of the wall length mirror and placed the garment up to your neck.

You could not deny that it was a very pretty dress. One that you would love to wear in a different circumstance. The whole idea of you attending a dance had still not sunk in yet. “Mum I couldn’t pull this off!” You exclaimed. Jeans and a tea shirt were more your speed.

“No Sunshine, you are most definitely wearing this now that I have seen it.” Cleo was practically foaming at the mouth the minute she saw this dress. You were sure that if your mother had not offered it to you first that she would have snagged the dress up for herself. “Right now, hair and makeup.” She slapped her hands together and both your mother and best friend stared at you with excitement in their eyes. Which only put the fear of God into yours.

***

The dance was as horrible as you thought it was going to be. There was loads of people staring at you. One of the girls from your English class even asked a friend of hers if you were a new student at the school. Shows how invisible you were before your boobs were pushed up to your neck and eyeliner was thickly applied to your eyes.

Although this was a new experience for you, to have all eyes on you for a different reason that being the weird girl from school. It was not an experience that you enjoyed at all. High school was nothing but a gossip forum where girls pick on other girls for being themselves or for being slightly different than them. For caring less about how much their bag cost and caring more about why their grade in English was lower than French.

Your friends were all on the dance floor which sadly left you on your lonesome at the back of the decked-out gym.

*Chime*

Lonerboy101 – ‘Please tell me you are having fun now? X’

You smiled. Seeing his name pop up on your screen was possibly the only thing that made you smile tonight.

Hidingintheshadows – ‘Nope. Everyone is staring at me. X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘They are only staring because they are jealous. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘What could they possibly be jealous of? X’

Lonerboy101 – ‘Well I bet you look absolutely beautiful tonight. X’

Hidingintheshadows – ‘You couldn’t possibly know that? X’

There had been a couple of minutes since Lonerboy101 had messaged back and that smile you had previously been wearing was starting to fade. You glanced down to look at the time on your phone, 22:14. You let out a relieved sigh, at least you stuck around for over 2 hours.

Grabbing your bag, you began to sculk about the dance floor to try and find Cleo and the other girls to deliver the “bad news.” Cleo was locked onto Callum as they shared a slow dance to one of the most upbeat songs you have ever heard. This immediately made finding Cleo a hell of a lot easier.

“I am going to head off now.” You detached Cleo from her boyfriend which left him both grumpy and a little annoyed at you. Cleo gave you a less than enthusiastic hug before quickly turning back to Callum. “Bye then.” You said when she did not say anything back to you.

It was cold outside which instantly made you regret the dress and the heels made the idea of walking all the way home even more thrilling than you could imagine. Glancing down to check the time once again, you noticed a message featuring on your lock screen. You must have not heard it with all the music when you were saying goodbye to Cleo and the girls.

Lonerboy101 – ‘Wanna bet? X’

Everyone outside the gym began to suddenly gasp. All of them were looking in a similar direction. For once all the eyes were off you and that made you feel a hell of a lot better than you had all night.

Hidingintheshadows – ‘I will take that bet. You cannot comment on something you cannot see. X’

“Then maybe you should step out of the shadows and see what I can see right now.” This voice was strangely familiar but not familiar in a way that you had heard Mr King’s voice almost every day. It was familiar because you had heard it from somewhere, but you were unsure of where. “Because what I see is 100% beautiful just like I had predicted.”

The crowd of people started to open as the voice got nearer and nearer. There were girls practically peeing their pants with excitement. Cleo had appeared with the girls and practically everyone from whom were inside the gym. Suddenly, this voice had become the talk of the whole dance and now all the attention was right back on you again.

There was now a stunning familiar face to match the familiar voice standing right in front of you. One that you would never have believed to have been stood there. It was his smile that you caught first when he looked at you in that long black dress. His eyes lingered on you for a while before you both realised that it had been quite some time that slipped away since either one of you had spoken.

“Lonerboy101?” You asked quietly. Not really wanting anyone to hear how speechless you really were.

“Guilty.” There in front of you stood the one and only Tom Holland. The freaking man who brought you Spiderman, Ian Lightfoot, and Lucas in the movie The Impossible. He was Lonerboy101, how was that even possible?

It suddenly dawned on you that everyone and that honestly was everyone was now staring at the pair of you who were staring at one another. “Maybe we should go over there?” Tom had suggested to get away from prying eyes.

Once you were both certain that there were not any lingering eyes, your protection walls started to drop ever so slightly. “You’re the person I have been talking to for 3 weeks? You’re Lonerboy101?”

“Yes. I am Lonerboy101, but if I am being quite honest, Tom will do fine.” He joked which did make you feel only a small degree better. For all this time you had been talking to Tom Holland and you had no inclination that it was happening. “I wanted to tell you who I was, but it was so amazing to have someone to talk to who didn’t see me as this guy who acts for a living and attends red carpet events, you know?”

You did not know of course. “I am not mad. But why would you tell me you have anxiety issues when you do not?” You sighed and started to look at the shine from the diamonds reflecting from your heels. “Was it a way to make fun of me?”

Quickly Tom grasped your hands without thinking. “No!” He spoke urgently but delicately as if he did not want to put his foot in his mouth and make the situation worse. Truth be told Tom was expecting this whole revelation to go a little differently. The sombre look on your face was not the result that he had wanted from showing up at your school. “I never did it to make fun of you or anyone who suffers with anxiety. Truth be told I do suffer with it. Not as bad as most people, but I have days where I wonder if my friends are my true friends because they like me or because they like what I can give them.”

“I want you to know that every message that I ever sent you, I was being the real me. None of it was an act or fake for me.” Tom’s head was not facing down, almost defeated. “From talking to you I knew that you were the most honest and kindest person that I could possibly ever get to know.”

“Can I ask you something?” Your voice was soft and shaky as if you were afraid of the response that you were going to receive.

“Anything.” He was almost pleading. His voice as shaky as your own.

“How did you know who I was and what I looked like?” Tom looked you dead in the eyes. You could see the sincerity in his eyes and how much he wanted this to go right. “You knew to come right up to me, out of all the girls in the world. You knew to come to my school and then up to me, how?”

Tom let out a little smile. “Well, you know that section on the app right at the beginning?” You nod keeping eye contact as he continued to speak. “Well when it asks you for a name, you can keep it blank and then put in a username instead. You actually put in all of your details and made them public.”

“Oh!” You stated feeling stupid for doing so. This entire time he knew exactly who you were while you had no clue that you were talking to a celebrity.

“No, it was a good thing.”

“How?” You question. Doubting that knowing who you were was ever a “good thing.”

“Because, I felt really lucky to be talking to you. I saw how beautiful you were and how smart you are as well as how kind you can be.” You were quiet. You were not used to guys calling you beautiful, and here he was saying it for what must have been the 3rd time since you met him. “If it makes you feel any better, I only looked you up yesterday. I was worried when you did not answer my message and temptation got the best of me and I peaked. Are you mad?”

“No. I am not mad.”

“Would it help if I said sorry?”

“What did you say about saying sorry?” You smiled which made the flash of panic rush from his face. The corners of his mouth started to turn up and his eyes sparkled.

“Yeah but on me it looks cute.” Both of you allow yourselves to laugh at the situation. Remembering some of your earlier messages. “Would it be too much to ask for a hug?” He looked down at your hands which were no longer scrunched into fists which proved that you were no longer as uncomfortable as you may have been from the first encounter.

You allow yourself to smile as he pulls you into his arms. “It is exactly how I imagined it.” Tom said into your hair as he held you close to him.

“What is?” You questioned

“That I would be only just taller than you when you’re wearing heels.” Both of you let out a controlled laugh at his terrible attempt at a joke. “You don’t actually want to go back in there do you?” Tom gestured towards the gym that probably did not hold any students inside due to his arrival.

“I am not going back inside there! But thanks for wearing a suit for me.” You pull away slightly to admire the suit that Tom was pulling off handsomely.

“Anything for my girl.”

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tema-makes-art-sometimes · 3 years ago

Note

I don't really pay attention to who's popular but I recognise your name more easily than others in the fandom. I do consider you an inspiration coz you're really creative and I love your AUs (the game ask blog one especially where Canada keeps breaking the 4th wall and someone can only "talk" using binary code), I can't say I look to your portrayals when working on my own, but I don't look at canon either lol. Can I ask why you're distressed, though?

nod nod I'm the same way I get you.

that makes a lot of sense. Also I'm very flattered thank you very much. /)///(\

I need to get back to that blog but recovering all the facesets I made is taking me for eeeeeever

What distressed me? Well uhm-- it's a long story but multiple ex friends have tried to use me being a 'major hetalia influencer' against me, specficically they would rant at me about me being lucky I get responses when they wouldn't get any and "why do people like your stuff so much anyway"

But in reality, it was only ever like 5 friends in a discord group and they were blowing it way out of proportion. But I suppose hearing it come again tripped that same wire in my brain as in the past, and since I was already upset because my works and aus haven't been getting response or doing well, and my attempts to engage in discord had failed I kind of spiraled.

I guess it just hit a trigger for me, because I get so little activity on what I do. Most posts have no reaction on them at all. No matter where I post discord tumblr instagram I get 0-2 actual responses at best and it really hurts me. So I guess hearing that I might be considered famous really scared me because I do everything I can to try and make it clear that people can talk to me, I'm not scary. I try to know the scope of my influence so people don't try and bend the rules for me or enforce them harder or things like that, which has never happened mind you but I keep myself aware of it in case something were to happen. So the thought of missing such obvious influence scared me I guess.

Part of it is my own mental conditions (general anxiety, depression, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD and others) and part of it was me being scared that if this is what meant to be popular than I didn't want it.

I've never wanted to be Fandom famous I just wanna have a group of people I can talk to about my ideas and hear their honest excitement and feedback and them wanting to engage with me and enjoy it with me. Making content isn't really fun for me without being able to share it and see people reactions. Their feedback their excitement their theories-- when I see people enjoying my works- the world's I build- it makes me feel like I succeeded.

So when I'm left with no response just ♡'s

I just feel mad... mad and empty

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they-call-me-megs · 5 years ago

Text

Let It Be Me - MLQC - Gavin x MC

Well....hello there. I’m new to Tumblr (or, new to being back--I was here for a while but fairly quite and then left for a bit, only to return once I realized I still was regularly checking some of my favorite pages/writers!). I’ve been reading fan fiction for a looonnnggggg time, but have only ever been and enjoyer and not a contributor. I don’t know if I will ever be a regular writer, but decided to give it a shot. I saw some writing prompts posted by a writer I really enjoy, and as I was thinking through a request I would like to make and stories I would like to see, I got the bug to just give one a try myself! So here we are. I’d like to shout out @hifftn for taking the time to read my rough draft and give me some suggestions--this was my first time reaching out to her and she was so kind and amazing and I have been following her page for a good while now, so thank you! I love the MLQC and Voltage fandoms and I’m excited to actually be active now and to give kudos to some of my favorites writers where they are due (because I am convinced that some of the best writers out there are housed here!).

So here’s my very first stab at writing. I don’t expect it to be read by many (or maybe any) but I think it’s good for me to try new things every once in a while. If you do happen to read it and want to give some tips/suggestions/encouragement/anything I’d love to have it! Here’s hoping the format isn’t crazy--thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Warnings: some language. No smut...yet ;)

_______________

Gavin.

The boy who everyone seemed to fear when you were growing up—including you.

Gavin.

The now man who took his job seriously to protect those around him…and as he regularly stated--to protect you.

Gavin.

The one who, after time, had been such a confidant and the one you could always rely on. Through job stresses, and heartbreak and messy break ups and all the ups and downs of life. A firm and steady rock when you felt like the waves—constantly raging. Constantly changing.

Gavin.

The one who you viewed as just a friend until more time went on. And the more you got to see who he truly is—the Gavin that only you seemed to get to see, the more you wondered “what if”.

But you.

You were too afraid of losing the person that meant the most to you, afraid he may not see you that way. So you decided to keep those “what ifs” at bay and push them out of sight and out of mind, satisfied knowing that he really did mean it, that he would protect you and be there for you forever. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind that his words were true. And you were stuck chasing the wrong person and after the wrong person hoping maybe someday someone squash the “what ifs” away.

_______________

After a great finish on your latest project, Willow, Kiki, and Anna insisted on a night of drinks and dancing. You weren’t one to typically go for that, but you’d been working so hard and sometimes it really was nice to let loose with your friends. You agreed to at least one stop and you’d take it from there. The four of you walked into a crowded bar with live music and found a small table towards the back as your home base for the evening. A couple of rounds in, you could feel yourself loosen up and were ready to see where the night would take you.

“Next round is on me! I’m getting us shots!” you told the girls as you headed to the bar.

You had been waiting at the bar for a couple of minutes when you “ahem” and a deep voice that exuded confidence.

“My, my. I don’t think I’ve seen you around before and I know that I’d remember your face if I’d ever seen it. I’m Michael—and you would be?”

You rolled your eyes as you turned his way, only to be pleasantly surprised. The man talking to you had reason to have confidence in his voice. He had dark hair that was just long enough to slick back with a small piece that hung just above his eye. He was well-dressed--maroon slacks and a button-up shirt that had obviously been tailor to perfectly show that he was fit underneath it all.

“MC”, you tried shouting back over the music and the crowd noise.

He slid right next to you and leaned in closer to your ear—a bit closer than you expected from a stranger you had never met, but you didn’t immediately blow him off.

“I didn’t quite hear you, and I want to make sure I don’t miss the name of the most beautiful girl in the room”.

“I said my name is MC, and while I appreciate the compliment and you’re not too bad on the eyes yourself, I’ve really got to get going. I’m here with my friends—have a nice night”.

You gave him a wink and turned to walk away, but he grabbed your hand right before you were out of reach.

“At least consider saving a dance for me before the night is over. I’ll make it worth your time,” he said winking right back at you after pulling you closer.

You couldn’t help but smirk—there was no lying to yourself. He was an extremely attractive guy with a smile that was dripping with charm. Not wanting to commit to anything while fully knowing you’d end up dancing, you left him with a flirty: “Maybe, if you’re lucky,” and turned to go back to your table.

“Who was that? He was cute.” Kiki couldn’t help herself--she had a radar for attractive men and she was always in favor when you considered chatting one up.

“His name was Michael—he very much so wants to dance with me tonight—I don’t know. He’s cute, I guess. I think he thinks he’s a real smooth talker…maybe a bit pushy, though.”

“Maybe pushy could be a good thing! You’ll get to find out if you actually go dance with him, if you know what I mean. He’s still got his eye on you”, Kiki said smiling at you and nudging your side with her elbow.

She wasn’t wrong. He was looking your way. And his look seemed to follow your every move.

“He seems a little creepy to me,'' Anna said. “I’d steer clear”. It was from her expression that she was not Team New Guy.

“I’m with Anna,” Willow said. “Besides, I still don’t understand why you even give some of these guys you talk to the time of day when you have the perfect person for you right under your nose”.

They all saw the way you were around Gavin. You tried to play cool but every once in a while, there was a crack in your façade and your friends could recognize the change in your eyes and the way your shoulders seemed to relax in a way they normally didn’t when he was around. You always got flustered when they brought Gavin in any way that involved you being more than friends--it was easy to push down any budding feelings when it wasn’t brought to your attention.

“You guys need to give it up. I care about my friendship with Gavin way too much to risk it. And besides—if he was interested in being more than friends with me, he’s had a lot of opportunities to take a shot. He hasn’t, and that’s okay. I’ve come to terms with it. And I’ve also come to terms with the fact that one dance with Mister Following Eyes won’t hurt anyone”. You downed another shot and marched back to the bar to find Michael, confidence coming from you to rival the confidence he had earlier. You insisted he’d buy you a drink before taking his hand, leading him to the dance floor.

And you danced. You closed your eyes and let his hands wander on your hips and you let your imagination wander into the idea that it was actually Gavin dancing with you, because no matter how many times you said you had come to terms with it, you really hadn’t and you wanted nothing more than for him to be the one touching you.

What you didn’t know was that Willow had called Gavin to come out and celebrate your success with you all. And that while you were grinding up on Mr. Smooth Talker, Gavin was walking in the door.

After losing yourself in the music and dancing, you finally “came to” when the house band took a break and lighter music began to play over the speaker. You started to turn back around towards Michael when you caught a sight of Gavin out of the corner of your eye. You didn’t know he was going to be here and you didn’t know how long he’d been there—or what he had seen. Gavin was always the one to let you cry on his shoulder when you’d go out with some guy you met at a bar or on Tinder after he’d stand you up or finally show you his true ugly and awful colors. And he was never critical. And he was always gentle. But that didn’t mean that you wanted him to see you dancing with someone else when you just wanted it to be him.

Michael pulled you out of your head when he grabbed your hand and pulled you back closer to him, this time face to face, moving in closer to whisper. You could feel his breath on your ear.

“If you move like that with your clothes on, I can’t wait to see how good it is once they’re gone.”

That’s when you knew your time with this guy was over. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes. Why must men always do this? You knew why—because an MC a few more drinks in would entertain the thought of it and might just go home with him. But you were a few shots short and had one set too many eyes on you to agree. The freedom and fun you were feeling was put back in it’s box to make sure this guy knew you were serious.

“I think you might be moving a bit too fast pal. Thanks for the dance, but I think I’m going to go back to my friends now.”

You tried to push him away so you could leave when he decided to double down and grab your hips a bit tighter, this time in a way that caused the exact opposite of pleasure.

“Come on, MC. We’re just getting to know each other, and I’m not ready for the fun to be over” he said. He tried nipping at your ear and you felt sick to your stomach. You just wanted to get away from him.

“Stop it, Michael. You’re hurting me. I don’t know you and you obviously don’t know me if you think aggression is the way into my pants. So if you could kindly back the fuck up, I’d appreciate it,” you said, pushing him harder to get him off of you. You were all for having a good time and had had your fair share of one night stands--but they were on your own terms and they didn’t start with a guy trying to suffocate you with a handful of red flags to get you to cave.

“Stop being such a bitch—I buy you a drink and show you a good time and this is how you repay me?”

A clearing of a throat came from behind you and you saw Michael’s face change as you felt a familiar hand on your shoulder.

“MC—is this guy bothering you?”

The sound of Gavin’s voice and the anger in his eyes was the encouragement Michael needed to finally ease us his grip on you. Thank God he was stepping in to help you. But also, oh shit—because Gavin did not act kindly to asshole dudes who wouldn’t leave you alone.

“Hey buddy—why don’t fuck right off and mind your own damn business?” Michael said, annoyance clear in his voice and on his face. He had no idea who he was talking to.

And then came the crack. And a howl. And an asshole falling to the ground after Gavin decked him for not giving up when you asked him to. Gavin grabbed your hand and started walking towards the door. Anna, Willow, and Kiki met you there.

“MC, are you okay?” Kiki asked. She was worried about you, and you could tell she felt bad about encouraging you to talk to Michael after the initial introduction.

“I knew that guy was a creep,” Anna said with crossed arms. She always seemed to be right about these things.

“How about we all go outside and I’ll call us an Uber,” Willow said, pulling out her phone.

“You guys take care of getting yourselves home,” Gavin said, handing them some cash. “I’ll take care of her—my apartment isn’t far from here”.

You felt awful--what was supposed to be a night of fun had turned into a nightmare. “Sorry for ruining the night guys. Maybe next time I’ll learn to just dance with you guys,” you said with your head downcast, taking the helmet Gavin handed you before patting the back seat of Sparky. You knew the drill. You hopped on and wrapped your arms around Gavin’s waist as he told you to hold on tight.

_______________

“You’re soaked,” Gavin said. “Go hop in the shower before you catch a cold. I’ll never forgive myself if you get sick because I chose to drive Sparky instead of my car. I really didn’t know it would start raining. I’m sorry MC.”

“Why are you sorry?! You saved my ass back there when that guy wouldn’t leave me alone. You’re always saving my ass. I don’t mind waiting—you can go first.”

“No—I insist. I’ll be fine. My hair will dry fast anyway. You can use the bathroom in my room. Feel free to use anything that you need. Once you’re in the bathroom I’ll just come in to grab something from my drawers and I’ll be out so you can have some space.” He spoke to you with gentleness and care in his voice. You could see from his face how concerned he was for you, even though he was the one that just punched a guy. That was so typical Gavin. Always putting himself last. Always taking care of you first. Never showing any sign of frustration or anger at you.

A quick 5-minute shower to clear your head of the evening’s events and you were done.

“Shit—I thought I had some clothes in here.”

This wasn’t your first time at Gavin’s place—you had become a regular here for movie nights and after it led to you falling asleep on the couch a few times, Gavin suggested you just leave a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt at his house so you could always feel comfortable there. Apparently, you forgot to change out of them the last time and brought them home with you, leaving you scrambling for something to wear. You panicked for a moment before looking through his closet and found the biggest t-shirt you could find and threw it on before heading back into the living room.

Gavin was in the kitchen making you a hot tea (your favorite) when he heard you come out of his room.

“Listen, MC. I don’t want you to ever feel like I’m trying to tell you what to do or how to live your life…I’m just trying to understand what it is about some of these guys that you find…”

It was at that moment that he walked out of the kitchen and saw you standing there looking through his movie collection, reaching to grab a DVD from the top shelf, causing the shirt to ride high enough to hit just shy of your ass. His shirt practically cradling your ass.

“Ah...are you wearing my shirt?” There was a bit of hesitation in his question that made you give him a soft laugh.

“Ha...yeah—I’m sorry. I thought I still had clothes here, but I guess I brought them home, so I had to borrow some of yours again. Just another thing you’re having to do for me. Clothe me. Pick me up at any hour of the day when I need it. Scare off the sleazy guys I always end up getting mixed up with. You’re the one thing I can always count on to be the same for me.”

“But what if I don’t want to stay the same?”

The hesitation he just had disappeared and he looked at you with a resolve in his eyes that he’s never seen before and you thought you saw his eyes go black for a moment. You wanted to think maybe he was messing with you, but Gavin wasn’t much of a joker and there was only seriousness in the way he was keeping eye contact with you.

“What?” You felt your breath catch in your throat. What was he trying to say? Was this moment where he had really had enough and didn’t want to deal with you anymore? You stood frozen and just looked at him as he slowly walked up to you…not quite touching but closer than he normally got outside of your rides on Sparky together. He reached out and lightly ran his thumb and his index finger across the hem of his shirt—the one you were wearing.

He kept his eyes down, watching his fingers on the shirt and you felt his grip on it tighten, pulling the shirt flush to your chest.

“What if I don’t want to stay the same with you? What if I don’t want to be the guy that scares off the sleazy guys you dance with? What if I want to be the one dancing on you. The one touching you. What if I don’t want to be the guy that just loans you clothes anymore when you come over? What if I want to be the one that takes them off of you?”

There was a moment of silence between the two of you. The only thing that could be heard was the rain falling on the window and low music playing from Gavin’s record player he must have turned on while you were in the shower. You saw his Adam’s apple move as he silently gulped, still too nervous to look up, continuously moving the hem of the shirt between his index finger and his thumb. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing--you wished that you could stop time to give you a moment to process what was happening. This was what you had wanted to happen for so long, resigning yourself to your wants believing it would never happen. But it was. And it felt real. And you made the decision to not hesitate or ask questions or wonder what might happen next because you would be damned to do anything that might make him change his mind.

“Then do it.”

He finally looked up at you with his beautiful amber eyes that were full of wonder and surprise and a fiery lust that was thirsty to get out when you broke the silence. His gaze refused to leave yours when he opened his mouth to speak again.

“What did you say?”

You grabbed his free hand and guided it to the bottom of your shirt to join his other. Locking eyes with him and bringing your face as close as you could without touching, you slowly lifted your arms above your head.

“I said, if you want to be the one that takes my clothes off, then do it.”

#mlqc gavin #mlqc #Gavin #oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh #I can't believe I'm doing this #please excuse me while I go throw up #nothing like quarantine to get you out of your comfort zone

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