#and I feel sick like I want to vomit
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i like ghostmaker and batman as narrative foils not in the “ghostmaker is incapable of forming relationships with or feeling empathy for others, therefore batman is better” way but in the fact that ghostmaker IS better. literally. more stronger mentally, emotionally, physically. stronger in the way he carries himself and how he sees himself and how he treats others (depending on your definition of strong) and yet, he’s still so so miserable. he can lie to himself all he wants, or ignore everything but blatant fact, but it still doesn’t change the fact that even though he follows batman’s “I work alone” rule better than the actual batman ever could, he still loses to bruce in some way. bruce was willing to shoot someone for khoa, willing to follow and stay, and khoa straight up couldn’t handle it. therefore, he is worse in the one thing that makes batman, batman. that nothing will ever tie him down, no matter what. not Bruce or his city or his rouges.
except, that’s not entirely true anymore, is it? because this time, he does stay. he meets Bruce’s kids and indulges bruce in banter and playfighting and even fake ‘dates’. he stays, and leads, batman inc. and he does it considerably better than batman. of course, he still kills people. he can barely stand batmans kids and the feeling is entirely mutual. he still treats others as expendable next to his mission. but, he stays. he stays with bruce, with someone, in some way this time. he’s learning, he’s willing to learn.
#frankly the ableist take that ‘Khoa can’t feel which makes him weaker than the totally not mentally fucked other guy’ pisses me off#I think people forget he doesn’t kill because he enjoys it. he does it because he feels he has too. it makes his job easier#besides. those people are normally sex traffickers or drug lords or murderers or child abusers. would it really hurt taking them out?#ugh but anyways im super sick and i feel like i can barely get a point across. this might feel rushed or like it’s missing some points#so sorry for that :( but maybe ill fix this when i feel better#I just wanted to post some of my word vomit :)#batman#bruce wayne#ghostmaker#minhkhoa khan#dc comics#batfam#ghostbat#ghostmaker meta#batman meta
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thinking about the Lady again and she actually is the Character Ever.
Starting off with her design. How ridiculously simple it is, right? Her yukata is plain brown and has a single layer, her wig (and yes, I am positive what she wears is not her hair but a wig soley because of how easily it comes undone... that kind of hairstyle is meant to STICK when done with actual hair) has no decorations befitting a woman of her powerful status and her mask is nothing but... empty. You could mistake her for a mannequin and you wouldn't even be wrong. It's by design, after all: she is as insanely important, as a figure, as she is anonymous as a person.
But then, it's with amusement that you note that that boring, unexpressive mask is called the "Rascal's mask" when unlocked. It's such an oddly affectionate nickname stemming from a person so utterly despicable. And then you notice her hair. Her long, black hair that should be hidden under her wig, as the hairstyle goes, but are instead hanging out freely. Not very traditional at all, right? You could almost read it as a small act of defiance of... something. Now, what that thing is, I doubt even she knows. Maybe it's just her way to seek individuality without having to step into zones she does not want to touch.
And then, of course, the lack of shoes. It's not uncommon for people to wear slippers in the house - especially for the Japanese - but she just... doesn't. In that small, small way, she is similar to Six - and every other child in the Maw running around barefoot. Except she's above running, of course. She's got the privilege of floating like a ghost so that she may never touch the ground.
(The only time when this rule is broken is when she fights Six, poetically enough. You can see her visibly step back.)
These strange little things are the first things that push you to wonder about her as a person. Not the title, not the Lady of the Maw: the individual behind the mask. Who is that person? What is she like? Is there a way to answer these questions? I think yes, if you know where to look - but is it worth to ask these questions considering what she does?
That depends on you. Me personally, I think there is narrative worth to be found in what she has to hide. Her foil, Six, finds value in the aspects of herself she does not hide: she is very unapologetic in her selfhood. The Lady isn't, for the most part.
(I wonder if that would make her envious of her younger counterpart in a different context?)
Frankly, looking back on her choice of attire, the fact that her personal bedroom is barely decorated is not surprising. She only has the essentials: a bed, the vase with the key, a few pictures of importance (of people long forgotten, herself included no doubt) and... an ungodly amount of misplaced clothes all over her quarters. All the same yukata, repeated over and over, maniacally folded and arranged in towers, but never where they're supposed to be.
A bedroom is the reflection of yourself. Of your inner world. The fact hers looks so barebones is quite telling about who she is. Or isn't. She herself may have some trouble trying to figure that one out.
I think that, in a vacuum, it's easy to assume that the reason she's so displeased by her reflection is soley out of vanity. That is definitely part of it, but I don't think that's all there is. Because after seeing the mannequins that all look just like her, the four women in the picture who also wear her same exact clothes... and that hidden quote.
This quote, which is from Alice in Wonderland. Specifically from a conversation in which Alice expresses how she doesn't recognise herself anymore because of how many times she grew big and small during the course of the day. She is not the same person she was before entering Wonderland.
I find the way she clings to the dolls and the music box to be much more... sombre when keeping this in mind. In a way, that scene is reminiscent of Monster Six clinging to her music box in the chaos of the Tower; an attempt to attach to something safe. For the Lady, it's even more personal. Those are her toys. Her song. No one can take them from her and claim them as theirs. These materialistic tomes are physical proof of her identity. She likes dolls, and she likes to sing that song from her music box. Surely, that much is something.
But a ceramic toy and an old music box are not really enough to placate the inner turmoil. Hence the broken mirrors, the hidden statues... the hung down portraits with their eyes scratched out - from times of the past. There is a person looking back in the mirror which she does not recognise. That can't be her, right?
It isn't. The reflection is but a faux image of her outward appearence. The inside, however... much like this concept art shows, she is melting away. Rapidly decaying no matter how much she tries to stick to her youth.
Because at the end of the day, that's what she's doing, no? The toys, the music box, her appearence... all of it, just to cling a bit more to the person she used to be. Point being that I doubt even she remembers what she used to be.
You'd think a person like this would be inclined to feel at least some sympathy for all the lost children wandering the Nowhere. A sense of kinship, perhaps, or even just... basic human compassion. She has proved to have very human emotions, after all. This is where she proves you wrong. Whenever you think she's stepped the lowest, she always goes lower.
In her humanity, she is brutal. Relentless, ruthless. She offers no sympathy to anyone and has no empathy to spare either. She is very much aware of what's going on under her roof: she not only allows the Maw to continue being the way it is in spite of having the power to change things, but she actively engages in its despicable practices. She has petrified children in her quarters, as well as their ashes - of which the use is unclear - and then she is responsible for the Nome population and exploitation being so large and so eerily heavy. She's twisted necks, broken bones, murdered innocents.
The Shadow Children are, to me, one her greatest offenses. I don't think they serve any particular purpose other than... being there because she wanted to make them. Children ripped away from their life because of her whims. Not even in death can they rest because she can get her hands on their souls. They're nameless, forgotten shadows with blank masks: they're just like their creator, in that way. Ripped of all individuality and devoid of everything.
Everything she sees, the Lady devours. Not a creature is safe from her shadows and her wrath, especially if they come and actively intrude in her activities. She's twice as aggressive if the Maw is at stake.
The Lady's personal bedroom has another motif piece which I did not previously mention: the Maw wallpaper. While Roger and the Chefs have wallpapers that portray them with her, the Lady... does not. She only has the Maw. She's not part of that picture.
The Lady can't let the Maw change its ways. She is the Maw. The Maw must survive: so must she. To change the Maw would mean challenging herself enough to bring about a change; to her, who does nothing but lament what she lost, that would be too much effort. Too outside of the comfortable zone where she can survive in peace. Miserable, but unbothered.
... For the most part. Until Six comes around.
#the lady#carols.txt#ln meta#{dude i dont even know where i was going with this#if it seems like this post comes from a place of love it does#not at her as a person but like as a character. i find her so interesting and i feel oddly tender about her writing#usually when this happens its because i see pieces of the person i could have been in a character (like scaramouche for example)#but this time its from the completely opposite perspective#i am a person with a very clear idea of who i am. i know what my identity is and i am not afraid to express it#so witnessing a character with such a confused identity is both alien and fascinating to me#i wanted to focus more on her atrocities and how capitalism is what changes a person but its... 2 am and i am sick rn#i spent an hour literally vomiting my ramblings on this post#as a person and what she stands for i despise her. as a character i wish to put her in a security blanket and see how she gets out#this post feels terribly personal for some reason. like whatever . shes not even allat#im lying she literally IS allat#idk i love well written female characters who feel like people and dont fit in a specific convenctional box. sue me#< goes for six too#not opening *that* can of worms rn but. yeah}#little nightmares
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^ face of someone (me) who just finished the arcane finale
#GOODNIGHT I NEED TO PROCESS#im STRUCK#there r tears rolling down my cheeks fuck this damn show😭😭 (affectionate. this is the peak of all media ever)#okay yall arcane spoilers#arcane#arcane s2#that ending was honestly SO well done#the WHOLE finale#and all the rest lmao#but fucking GOD#the cycle....and the way each character was considered within..just- SO GOOD#and ekko......#and JAYCE oml yall better take back all the shit tbh he's genuinely become such an intriguing character throughout s2#and going to admit. i did Not care abt him in s1 sry😞#but the s2 arc has been captivating from the start and jayce is NO exception#also viktor's eyes im so glad we got to see them again. ohhh the irony of grief and relief mean SO much to me#his eyes. mean sm to Me. doomed scientist yaoi i lov e u#and mel.....omg not much to say regarding initial thoughts. im afraid haha. buuut i wanted to learn more about her link to the black rose#LOVED ambessa. her characterisation was so brilliantly captivating that i dont think i ever rlly hated her lmao#and jinxx omfg im sick. i love her so much. oh fucking hell ep7 killed me actually. im dead.#the sisters r so close all throughout the show and i loved the little direct confirmation of this like i actually started crying then#and VI oh my goddddd vi. could write a thesis on her. the visual rep of the lessening of her guilt after jinx. with singing. with acceptanc#oh fml im going a little insane i love this show so much#and VANDERRR and the beast and FUCK how even at the end he covered jinx.#i love how the show covered her end. it feels like a sigh of relief. the final breath. u end up hoping the best for her.#OH MAN THE MUSIC STARTED AND I STARTED CRYING SO HARD.#this is s1 ep3 all over again#oh and HOLY SHIT we got lesbian sex im ECSTATIC. thannk u fortiche for the whole show but yeah. especially. uhm. this.#okay im loggin off now i need to clock out and sleep. process my thoughts and then word vomit tmr.#nyx talks shit
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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Puppy is not feeling well, I’m worried :(
#he’s not doing bad but not great :(#my mom said he chocked this morning and vomit#and now he chocked again and it took a while to calm down#it seems better now but I’m scared it happen again and I’m alone for another 2 hours :(#i would bring outside to breath some air it helps sometimes#but he start doing that after going outside so I Don’t want to accidently make it start again since he’s okay now#i feel like staying a lot a long time yesterday messed up is heart a little especially since he was so excited before we left#cause he though he was going too :(#we took good care of him yesterday and he was fine so idk if it’s really that#alex.txt#tw sick pet
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I feel like I need to vomit but I physically can't
#js remembered my online friend is gone#like i know for sure now#she's dead#she ended her own life#my mind cannot grapple something so terrible happening#she should have talked to somebody#I knew she was struggling and I knew it was bad#and I tried my best to support her#She'd attempted before so I thought maybe the people in her life would keep an eye on her#but she hated herself so much that she ended her life#I couldn't even cry#I just felt sick#physically#like I wanted to vomit#the kind of feeling you get before you go on a rollercoaster#sick#dizzy#a rock in your stomach growing#I dunno#I'm okay tho#it was only momentary.#yuck#I miss her#sm#I miss my May#:(#oh! Long ass tag list mb gang#vent moment#vent#I don't even remember the last time I vomited
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To quote bo burnham: i am not feeing good👍🏻
#tw: emetophobia#i woke up feeling sick to my stomach but i have that more often due to several issues#but usually it goes away after a bit#but it doesnt and i am at work and every time i have to help a customer i keep feeling like ik a bout to vomit#and i have emetophobia so i am straight up not having a good time#i hoped it would go away if i just ate something with salt in it (bc i need to get ny blood pressure up and that usually helps)#but i ate halve a sandwich and it is NOT helping#i am shaking and my heartbeat is going crazy and idk if it is bc i am sick or bc i have emetophobia and living my nightmares#i keep thinking ‘what if i am helping a customer and i have to throw up’ or similar things#and i think i should just go home but that would mean calling my manager and telling her and needing to arange another person to fill in#STRESSSSSS#and now my break is over and i should go back but i dont want toooooo#my stomach hurts and i am feeing so sick but i dont want to be a nuisance or a problem#anyway cool news too i will have a carpe diem tattoo soon👍🏻
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im thinking about possession aftereffects that linebeck experiences immediately after the events of phantom hourglass, so here are bullet points i have down for my own ideas
he’s out cold for roughly five days after the fight. he’s conscious for a bit after being freed, but it doesn’t take long for him to collapse once he’s transported back to the great sea. link finds him when he reaches his ship to see him again (he takes a lifeboat or w/e from tetras ship its a whole thing and not the point) and ends up having to take care of him for those five-ish days.
while he’s out cold, he develops a bad fever, and has a good few physical injures from being possessed; all of his wounds from being possessed manifest as burns, the worst wounds bring cauterized and mostly closed, while smaller ones are still open wounds. the largest wound is a large burn covering most of his back, which is cauterized by the time he passes out, and then there are smaller, still open burns on his upper arms and legs. (the smaller wounds are manageable by link when he follows some medical instructions, [there are some medical books on the ship] the larger one is also manageable, but takes a lot longer to properly heal).
(link asks tetra and her crew to stick around for a while to keep linebeck stabilized while he’s unconscious. when linebeck wakes up, tetra and her crew are good to leave because then linebeck can better report what’s going on, and knows how to handle injuries).
linebeck’s fever persists after he wakes up, and he experiences… pretty much every fever symptom, with especially bad chills and full-body aches. the aches are really bad for the first few days after he wakes up, he’s extremely physically weak and shaky for a while, too. that weakness and shakiness get better with time, but he doesnt go entirely back to normal without actually moving around and doing things to build that strength back up.
he’s delirious and struggles to stay awake for those first few conscious days, too, which makes that weakness and shakiness worse; he struggles to eat and drink water, and struggles to string together thoughts or words to talk to link, and both of them figure out pretty quickly that they’ll have to wait a bit longer before so much as an attempt to coax him out of bed can be made.
beyond existing problems with food, linebeck struggles to keep anything down while he recovers, and becomes ill pretty much every time after he eats anything, so a bucket is kept near his bed. with water, he obviously needs to drink a lot of it considering that he’s feverish, injured, and vomiting frequently, but while he’s sick he has a bit of an irrational fear of water (along with an irrational fear of air and the wind, which makes him hesitant to go outside while he’s sick).
he’s generally pretty irritable, which isn’t particularly new, but it makes him prone to refusing help with certain things. he’s less irritable when tired and just resting. he’s also especially nervous, and despite the overall fatigue, he struggles to sleep for very long while he’s sick, and as said before, is often delirious and even confused when things are bad.
along with the other difficulties eating, linebeck has a hard time swallowing for a bit, and salivates a lot more than normal while he’s sick. he is soooo fucking dehydrated the whole time and that really doesn’t help.
while the weakness and shakiness stays for the entire time he’s sick and even a bit afterwards, for the first few days after he wakes up he’s stiff and also experiences some muscle spasms and numbness in his limbs, and has a hard time keeping his balance the first few times he gets out of bed.
once the sickness clears up fully, linebeck has to still be careful with the scar on his back; it’s sensitive to touch for a while and hurts when exposed to the sun or air for too long and when he stretches his back too far, but eventually just reaches the point where it’s a bit sensitive but is otherwise just a large scar.
obviously he’s also going through the wringer in an emotional and mental illness sense too but those would require a whole new bullet point list.
#ask to tag#loz#legend of zelda#linebeck#phantom hourglass#this kinda just turned into early post ph chapter notes and you know what? i really needed it to be that way actually#post bellumbeck wounds manifest as burns bc i think that purple… ooze? from bellum is like fucking acid#also magic shit yadda yadda bellum burns those he possesses cuz like. melt skin so it fuses to whats touching it. yknow#salty talks#why does tetra’s crew leave when linebeck wakes up? linebeck wants them to leave and he wants to keep secret the fact that he got possessed#hes lucky that link doesnt say anything and lucky that tetra never saw any of it#he uses the story that he just got attacked by bellum and knocked out while link fought bellum#i might just leave his long term bellumbeck aftereffects at. huge burn scar on his back and some fun magic stuff#cuz he does go through all of this shit and survives what is basically literally fucking rabies its a lot of rabies symptoms#its like. mixture of real sickness/disease and Burn Wounds with a dash of. hmm what would he be experiencing as like#his body gets use to actually being in control of itself after that control is forcibly and violently hijacked by something else#also theres just some nasty shit in his blood/body in general which is why he vomits most of the time. get that shit outta here#also this whole scenario is ig a fun reversal since all of ph link is the one who gets injured/sick snd linebeck has to take care of him#so. switch things around. link is Going Through It as well this is DISTRESSING for him but he feels better while talking with linebeck#link being present seriously tipped things in linebecks favor. if he was alone he wouldve still survived. it wouldve fucking sucked tho#wouldve been really really hard but with enough effort and will to live linebeck could survive on his own thats important#seriously considering adding that at his worst he has seizures but i dont know enough abt those rn so maybe layer
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Me: yeah I'm a pretty chill person overall.
Me when a restaurant doesn't list all the stuff they put on a burger and I end up vomiting and nauseous for the next 36 hours:
#went to a restaurant last night to catch up with a friend who's rarely in town#they had a veggie burger i was really excited to try and was looking forward to all day#it listed a ton of ingredients including condiments so i JUST ASSUMED they would have mentioned all of the condiments#nope#got super fucking sick immediately#had to go home so missed out on time with my friend#couldn't get to sleep until one in the morning because i was so fucking nauseous#woke up at five still wanting to vomit#yaaay#i feel like such a whiny baby complaining about this#but man i feel fucking awful#i was excited to see my friend and eat this burger
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Friday night is gonna be lit
I have stir-fry plans and iguana marriage plans and I got a beer and we have cartoons to watch. Sick
#internalmelon#i like to buy the overpriced pint cans because if I buy a sixer then I either leave 5 in the fridge forever or drink them all in one go#but if i buy one drink then i can be done after it#because i guess im kind of all or nothing like that which sucks#my body doesnt tell me when to stop eating or drinking anymore for some reason so i need to make or buy reasonable portions#i went from not eating to not being able to tell when im full until i feel ill and vomit and it kind of sucks#even water. i either forget to drink water or i drink it until i start spitting it back out#my first year trying to get better i involuntarily threw up every day for 6-8 months and it sucked so bad tbh#i think something is broken but my last therapist said my body would remap the cues over time or something? idk it sounded reasonable enough#i still often forget and need a reminder if my meals aren't scheduled in advance. i still eat myself sick if the portion size is too big#idk it sucks#i said it sucks a lot and its true but im excited to officiate an iguana marriage and watch cartoons and have a beer!!!#i wanted a kirin but sapporo is good too
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is it childish to still want a birthday to be at least slightly enjoyable or am i just experiencing what its like to grow up
#vent#can u guess what happened today. lol.#asked for one simple thing that i literally sent the link to and specified what size and they still fucked it up#and my dog is sick. and idk if shes feeling better yet or not.#she threw up last night like 4 times and im deathly afraid of vomit. and im scared that shes super giga sick and dying.#i just want today to be over#i sound like a toddler. this sucks so bad.
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BRUH
EVERYTIME I feel like im starting to feel better my body just turns around and flips me off
mf sends me off w a shove down the stairs, nausea, sweating/tremors, headache, confusion, dizziness, it pantsed me, it stole my lunch money, it gave me a swirlie, i cant fuckin win
#venty? venty-ish idk#bruhhhh i might have to go back to the hospital once my medication is up#really not looking forward to that#i am so fuckin bored in this bed dude i havent been able to do anything fun i need cocomelon tiktok adhd stimulation hdhsdhjh#tried drawing and my body was like#nausea upon ye#ive just been rotting in bed on yt and character ai#at least i have husband leshy to talk to me 24/7 LOL#also i managed to eat something flavoured without vomiting#i may also be getting a yummy chicken noodle soup today teehee#rubs my little mitts together in anticipation#anyway yea kinda /neg post but uhh i have been feeling like ass ever since that outpatients visit lol#granted im feeling a lot better now but im still getting symptoms occasionally#like just earlier i was going on abt how much better i was feeling#then i woke up covered in cold sweat feeling nauseous lmfao.#like ur kidding#what happened between the time i fell asleep and the time i woke up#chill tf out pls i dont want to go to hopital#grrr#tw sick mention#tw vomit mention
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Bad day. Horrible awful terrible bad day
#there’s not even a reason. nothing bad has actually happened#it just FUCKING SUCKS#I want to walk into a lake and never come back#I want to take my brain out of my skull and throw it at a wall and watch it splatter#I know today sucks because I’m so tense and upset that my back HURTS so fucking bad#cuz when this happens I tense up and my back muscles decide to coil around my spine and squeeze like a starving snake#it’s spreading through my shoulders and even to my chest which is a first#I just 😭😭😭 I want to go home except home also sucks cuz roommate#and I know he’ll be out in a few days but that feels like forever#and I’m so tired and I’m so upset and I want to curl up in a ball and cry and hide from the world#but I’m working a 7 day stretch at my job#and I have to transfer the power and internet to my name sometime before Wednesday#and I’m so sick of takeout the idea of eating it makes me want to vomit but I can’t physically bring myself to cook while they’re there#and I just. ugh. UGH#I’m so sick of existing#why does my life only allow me small handfuls of months at a time#where I’m not living in some form of disaster and stressed to all hell and back and just wanting to lay down and die#what did I do so wrong. what have I done to deserve all this shit#in my short terrible miserable fucking life#whatever I’ll just go home and stare at the wall#and then go to bed and come to work and come to work and come to work there’s always going to work#I’m going to fucking scream I hate my brain#why can’t it just regulate itself in a normal way cuz that’s the thing I know I’m being insane and nothing is actually this bad#but man if it doesn’t fucking feel that way#and being aware I’m being batshit really doesn’t make it better actually I think it makes it worse#kaz rambles
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oh for fucks sake i wish i would just throw up at this point
#i'm not nauseous or anything#but just. all night. and all day. i can feel the food sitting in my stomach not being digested#and maybe after 12+ hours of this hell my body will finally decide to eject it#and laying down sucks because i really feel it then#i know i'm literally sick rn and i shouldn't have ate so much#but holy shit could my stomach like. do it's job??? and digest food????#IT'S NOT POISON STOP ACTING LIKE IT IS#either digest it or get it over with#and i KNOW it's not being digested bc when i eventually DO throw up#it's still whole recognizable chunks. over 12 hours after eating [food]#< gross ik but that's how it be#how am i meant to sleep like this (despairing)#and i still intend to go work tomorrow and i really really don't want to be nauseous THEN#i'd rather be nauseous now and get rid of everything#i hate everything i hate everything kill kill stab me in the stomach just kill me rn#r.r#vomit mention#tw vomit
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dying again guys
(tag rant)
#bloodwork got back#i've got anemia#fucking hooray#anemia vitamin d deficiency and the weird cholesterol thing (not the bad one)#meanwhile im sick to my stomach in class and my body wants to throw up so badly#which is bad for me because im terrified of vomiting#and also I would get sent home and wouldnt be allowed to come back#which is NOT good#i need my schoolwork#i fucking hate being so sick all the damn time too#like my body geniunely just cannot handle anything#im so sick of being too sick to go to school and too sick to rehearse for theater and too sick to see my friends who are the people#that i love most dearly#im so sick of not being able to do regular stuff that other people can do because im so sick#im just sitting in class shaking right now after downing four pepto bismols that arent working either way#at least my eyes arent hurting now that i have glasses#small mercies i guess#it's just hard to stay positive rn but i'm trying! there will always be some good in the bad#no matter how fucking MASSIVE the bad is or gets#and maybe later today i'll be feeling well enough to smile#hug a friend#and remember that its okay that im sick; its not my fault that my body isn't wired properly#but its my responsibility to try as hard as i can and live <3#(sorry for the tag rant)
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>opens an irls discord server ive had muted bc i don't really know many people on it and ive been busy
>sees "oh i dont actually know if we should be calling it a genocide in gaza.... this issue is so complicated and if you're anti-zionist you're being antisemitic and woah hamas has done some problematic things.....i really don't know....oh well it's not the majority dead" and the like.
>starts FUCKING crying what is wrong with you what is wrong with you wha t is wrong with you
#ocean.mp3#hi i am. vibrating right now#how can you look at the thousands being murdered#the destruction of culture#the sheer glee with which the israelis murder people#the use of white phosphorus#the us supplying munitions#the people dying of starvation and illness and dehydration#the children who have been orphaned#the people who have lost everything#entire bloodlines erased#the hospitals the libraries the universities Everything that has been destroyed#and be like Oh im not sure what to think#Oh hamas is Problematic (tm)#Oh both sides have done bad things#this is not a both sides issue and it never was#im sick i feel sick i want to throw up i want to vomit#what the fuck
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