#and I dont feel ive seen enough of the world to Know what I'd like to poke in that way that like

[shazzbaa]

Ooo!!! Acid Washed Jeans for the colour thing!

acid wash jeans: what would an exceptional story featuring them be about?

GOSH this is always such a difficult question and I still only have a vague idea honestly.......… I feel like Samuel has to be sort of a damsel deacon in distress, yeah? In order to have the player be the main character but for Sam to keep his Situations Keep Happening To Him energy. Or sort of a Youthful Naturalist situation where just getting mixed up with his nonsense drags you into danger, too. One time a few flondon friends were pondering What Unique Menace Would Your Flondon Give, and I decided Sam would be some sort of "getting wrapped up in what he's doing puts you increasingly in the AOE of the Everything-Happens-To-This-Guy guy" concept which Mafic described as "Entangled with a Dangerous Gentleman is increasing…". THIS STILL DELIGHTS ME.

Bonus if it becomes apparent the Deacon has been agreeing to these implausibly dangerous tasks because he has a huge crush on whoever gave him the assignment (Bishop Southwark? Feducci? The Overworked Commodore? A new NPC just for this? Lots of options), and a surprisingly significant portion of the ES is deciding whether to just set him up with whoever it is he clearly wants to do extracurricular wrestling with, or extricate him from this dangerous crush, or agree with him that all this life-or-death adventure is quite attractive and seduce him yourself.

"But what would the actual thing you're doing be" I DONT KNOW, it feels like it could be anything as long as it puts Samuel in physical danger because that's the sort of thing he tends to agree to eagerly. The Zee is the obvious choice but like, Hell? The Roof? Parabola? Polythreme? There's so many places he could have cool moments but be a little out of his depth and need rescue.

[gortash-week]

hello gortash nation. it is i, host of this week @sankttealeaf here! gortash week may "officially" be over but that means nothing when the archduke wants more! (he will not stop until he has more, please i miss my family he's keeping me locked away in wyrms rock prison and is making me dance for his amusement! i cant dance! help please!!)

anyway - despite the event ending, i will be leaving the AO3 collection open until the end of august / early september for those who found the event a little later and want to make something for these prompts. time is a weird soup after all, we don't follow rules here!!

if you've made something and have thought "oh no! its not the day of the prompt anymore - i cant post it" PLEASE share it!! i'm still accepting submissions and i'll still reshare any gortash week work here & tag whichever day its for! i know some people found out about the event as it was happening and if the prompts have inspired you - please share!!! i'd love to see it!!

thank you from the bottom of my heart if you've participated in this event - whether that's making things or simply engaging with the content shared. it means the world to me that people found the prompts interesting enough to take time out of their day to make something for it. i had no idea this event would be as big as it's become and i'm so so so impressed with the wide variety of work made and shared!! everyone is so talented and i cant wait to see what other things you all make and write <3

as for the future? well, i'd love to run more events like this! i've mentioned before about a hypothetical "gort month" that would include two prompts per week, 8(ish) prompts in total. that way there's a loooot more time to work on things & if people wish to join halfway through it's a lot less pressure to do so! my aim for running events is to keep them as stress & pressure free as possible because theyre here to be fun! i'm also open to comments & ideas & feedback on how you (yes, you!) found this event so if i do end up running something else in the future it can be better and better! pls feel free to shoot me as ask (anon or not it's fine! be respectful though, that's all i ask<3) if you have any post-event comments you want to air and i'll respond!!

again, if i've missed any of your work you've posted, please send it my way! no message required, just drop me the link & i'll share it asap!! thank you to those who have done that already!! i easily miss things and i dont want anyone to feel like im purposefully leaving them out!!

thank you again for making this week so enjoyable! ive had such a blast hosting it and if i see any other events i'll be sure to reblog them here (for those interested: i've seen a wyllmancer week, a galemancer week (both on twitter), and a lae'zel week on here that i can't seem to find the post for to link to :( )

again - super open to comments and feedback or even if you just want to say hi! i'm way more active on my main blog if you're interested in hanging out there :3

thank u so much for this week, it's been so much fun <3 <3

[roxyzwritez]

pearlrose content

wanna see how ive been writing all these episodes? spoiler: it was not written with the intent to be read. but its really cute if you can get past and decipher my writes. (also im not 100% sure i like how i did this. may redo this one.) pls feedback. also @rosenotactuallyquartz i think you may like this ((im sorry abt the near daily tags))

under the cut so dashes don't get flooded

greg wakes up. gets coffee. gets breakfast. sits outside. frown.

rose floats over.

rose: good morning greg!

greg: hey rose.

rose: what's the matter? :(

greg: i was hoping you wouldn't ask.. im not doing great.

rose: why is that?

greg: i thought i'd be so happy that you're back. i thought i'd still be completely in love with you like i was before, but.. i just don't feel it anymore. im sorry.

rose, frown: that's okay, greg. we can be friends. i understand. i disappeared for 14 years- not that long to me, but that's a long time for humans. i understand if your feelings changed. especially with all my.. mistakes… revealed. im just glad you told me.

greg: are you sure? its okay to be upset, rose.

rose: i dont follow human relationship dynamics. im a little sad, sure, but you're still a friend. its not the end of the world.

greg: as long as you're okay.

rose: i am. don't worry about me, greg.

greg: okay.

she looks at him with a smile before flying off back home. she walks in.

tumblr note: im really unsure abt the breakup thing honestly. it feels weird especially how she just instantly goes to pearl. tell me ur thoughts yall!

stv, eatin chaps: hey mom.

rose: hi steven. wheres pearl?

stv: ooooooo-

rose chuckles: oh, stop it.

stv: i think she went to her room. she's been in there a lot recently.

rose: huh. alright, thank you steven.

stv: no problem.

rose goes into pearls room.

rose: pearl?

pearl quickly gets up: y-yes rose? sorry, i didn't know you were coming.

rose floats on over: i would like to talk to you about something.

pearl,😳: o-okay.

rose: i know how you feel about me. but im not entirely sure you understand how i feel about you.

pearl looks away: but- greg.

rose, chuckling: pearl. i talked to him just now, and he told me he doesn't feel that way towards me anymore. and from what i understand about human relationships, being with multiple people is a bit of a problem. ive always loved you, pearl. i knew either this would happen, or he'd… reach his time at some point. this was always going to happen, pearl. i don't need future vision for that.

pearl: i-

rose tacklehugs her to the ground and they roll around happy. pearl happycries

rose: ohh, my beloved pearl. not my pearl, but my beloved pearl. does- does that make sense?- oh my- (starts laughing)

pearl, chuckling softly: i know what you meant, rose.

rose: okay. good. le smoochie

pearl: i love you, rose. so much.

rose: i love you even more.

pearl: no, i do.

rose, chuckling: oh, pearl.

they smile at eachother.

stv: that was the cutest thing i've ever seen in my life.

pearl extremely embarrassed: STEVEN!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE-

rose: pearl, its okay. they're all allowed to know. we don't need to be a secret. besides, garnet probably knows anyway.

pearl: o-okay. but steven please don't do that again.

stv: it was so worth it. i will never forget this.

rose: alright, steven. can me and pearl talk in private again?

stv: aww mann. okay. (leaves)

rose: you don't know how badly i wanted to be with you. always. it hurt that i couldn't be there for you for those years.. trapped in his gem. i wish i could've done something, but i just couldn't. believe me, i tried.

pearl: its okay. its not your fault. you're here now, and that is enough for me. (squeeze hug cry) im sorry for crying so much i cant help it.

rose: let it out, pearl. its okay. (soft hug n comforts back, headpats and otherwise adorable shit)

[desert-flowerz]

actually CANNOT explain to you how thrilled i am about this one oh my goodness.

once again, going off this post, this time in response to @tigerbears !! i couldnt screenshot the whole message so im doing this in segments going from top to bottom and cataloguing my thoughts and counterpoints.

of course, this argument does make sense — queen showcases the hologram of a knife, kris is pretty known for their connection to knives, they even use their knife to create the dark fountain at the end of chapter two. seems like a pretty solid bout of evidence. but not necessarily.

see, I'd like to argue that queen doesn't truly know much about the knight, nor how the fountain was created, not in detail. for certain, she knows dark fountains are created via a lightners determination, that they stab into the ground and darkness is born from the act. but, if you look at the video she has — no actual further information is given, pretty strongly suggesting queen herself might not have a whole lot of further information, either. we know she's prone to making assumptions, particularly in regards to the knight — why can't the idea that a knife in specific was used be just one more assumption?

queen is just a computer, she doesnt know everything, after all. she might not necessarily be the most accurate source of information. and wouldnt it make sense, if the only thing she knows for certain is that the knight stabbed into the ground, that she'd draw the conclusion they used a knife? that's certainly what first comes to the frint of my mind witg the association of stabbing (but, then, i might have some confirmstion bias).

kris would also know that the knight, whoever it may be, must have left the computers on. its shown through text interacting with objects in the computer lab that kris has a decent understanding — at least by this point — of how dark worlds work, how they're affected by the light world and the surroundings of the fountain.

... ignore that theyre out of order ive only just realised how to put images side by side but i cant get them to go in the order i want.

BUT ANYWAY, back to theorising and debating. what im trying to say is — kris saw and understood all this before they made the fountain, they easily could have copied off what the knight was doing. of course, this doesn't account for the fact the tv got plugged in overnight, but if this was the plan all along, why make the cyber worlds fountain in the first place, why not simply create the fountain within the dreemurr residence to begin with? especially knowing we as the player would simply seal it as we did with card kingdom.

there could be a number of other reasons for this, i feel, that make a lot of sense as to why the knight has not yet managed to start the roaring. for example, if we were to ascribe to the theory that mayor holiday is the knight (among others, but this was the first i thought of and one i see discussed frequently enough to be of note), it could easily be written down to her being busy — a point that's made again and again whenever she's brought up. in other cases, it could be argued that the knight has to be careful about being discreet, as the more people find out about what's going on, the more people that will try to stop them, thus making their job tremendously more difficult.

and finally, to flip this on its head and argue in the oppisiye direction (because i am an unstoppable force) — i dont think the line in question is referring to what people assume it is, honestly. the closet is supposed to be the city — electronics, wires, all that good stuff. and, as seen interacting with other objects, particularly in chapter two — the text will at times reflect what we saw in the dark world.

i think, more likely than this line in particular being some reference to the knight, is simply another example of this established pattern. of course, there could be a double meaning to it, but it could also been a plain reference to giga queen, seen as that fught occurs within the city.

BUT thats all i gotta say on this, i think — might add on at a later date but honestly who knows. yet again, all screenshots were found on the deltarune text project so all credit there since my points definitely wouldn't hold as much weight without the visual reference (and its honesty just a cool as fuck project).

[hannahbarberra162]

thank you so much for responding to me twice now!! im sorry im sending these in so frequently, I dont know how tumblr works but i hope that, even if you dont post a reply to this, (which btw you NEVER have to, please dont feel obligated), i honestly only want you to read the ask. (even then its okay if you dont lol), im a bit overenthusiastic about your work, if you couldn't tell haha 😓 (not that it doesn't deserve all the enthusiasm in the world!!- I just know I can ramble when something excites me.)  I'll try to space out my asks more as to not overwhelm you or anything. i  honesty would love to read whatever you have to offer, even if it's just posting little snippets. I feel bad requesting stuff, though, from what I've read you're probably a busy college student with enough on your plate! still, without making any specific requests, whatever you have to offer, ill eat up like it's my last meal!! id love to see your works on other chatacters! i honestly didn't even really care heavily for mihawk or shanks but you know damn well i ate up your works on them! and like i said, i dont even really know Marco besides your interpretation, (which are canon in my mind haha) and literally had to look up who thatch was. yet i STILL have enjoyed your writings with them to the point ive been up late wondering what happens next. whatever you write, ill enjoy! you just have such incredibly intriguing stories, i honestly have never been so hooked before. thank you so much for writing! i guessed that either Marco or Ace was your favorite, so im glad i was close with Ace! i had the same sort of question as i did with Marco, but I didn't wanna ask both in one message. kinda a 'why him', sorta thing, not that i dont get this one completely- ive seen him in action and i love ace too! But i wanna hear why YOU love him, how YOU see him, same as what i asked for Marco. you don't have to answer if you dont want to! i know ive already typed a lot, so ill cut myself off here!! thank you my goat!! 🐐 and thank you for my appreciation of the WBP!!

(I've also really enjoyed your jinbe work so far!! he's one of my favorites🌊)

@celine-zzz Don't be sorry!!! This made my day, my week, my month! I lose confidence a lot and reading things like this make me think it's worth it. Thank you so so so much for your praise!!!! I actually screenshot nice asks like these and reread them haha. Ask whatever you want!! I like interacting with other people!!! Talk to me all you want!!!

I don't mind getting requests, I just don't ask for them bc I don't know that I can fulfill what people want. But I'm always happy to try! Heat Transfer is actually based off a Nonnie ask and I spiraled from there.

And, ah, I'm quite a few years past my college days 🫠🫠🫠 I'm not sure if that's better or worse, but time comes for us all.

In truth I started writing characters I felt I had a better handle on. I find Ace to be the most relatable. I think he's the most like someone you could potentially meet, maybe other than Law. Someone who is confident and self loathing and insecure and smart and dumb and self assured and all of that wrapped in a cute bundle with freckles. I also find Ace easy to write because I do feel that I've met people like him in real life, so I think of the dumb shit they would do lol. He reminds me a lot of a few of my friends, maybe that's why I feel protective over him.

That isn't a very good answer, but in summary he's my bby and I want the best for him <3.

Jinbe is who I'd actually want to ship myself with (see self indulgent fic) and I'd most want to be friends with and spend the day with Usopp.

[heartsoji]

hello, everyone. its been a while.

im really sorry that i kinda dropped off the map with no notice and YES i've seen the sweet msgs dropped by anons and moots and its really sweet to know that people ive never even met think abt me and care for me. will be responding to moots privately shortly - anons, just THANK YOU SO MUCH it means the world to me that you care sm. if you ever drop off of anon, i'd love to be friends :)

ANYWAYS, the reason(s) i sorta disappeared: just some family issues! my family is going through some problems with some certain family members going through a really hard time, falling into frail health, you get the gist. it hasn't been exactly lovely, but we're working things out rn and hopefully it'll get better soon. i kinda got caught up in everything and sorta forgot about my little community ive grown here. my apologies for that.

um sorry for this lowkey rly dramatic and overly lengthy msg but i didnt rly know what to say now that ive dropped off the globe with no signal of being alive, and i feel safe enough in this community (yes, the wonderful tumblr anime SIMPS u heard me right ugs (and me tbh) R SIMPS. community.) that i dont feel the need to just hide away my problems and just say smth like, "oh i got locked outta my tumblr account!" or smth idek. i trust ugs! love these ppl ive never even met <3 (more than some of my irls, even. some of them dont know that anything happened LOLL)

MOVING ON, i'll try to be active, but no promises! i cant say fs that any real work will be put out for a little while, but the biggest lump of the issues is over, and im in a better mental space now, so i can probs do some things? idk. at the very least, ill be doing some interactions and rambles and more abusing of my "jisu talks!" tag. i love all of you, have a wonderful morning/day/night! <3

[night-shadowblood-writes2]

Greatest Treasure

Chapter 1

The first 3 to 4 chapters are taking place before the first episode of dungeon meshi. This is a chilchuck x oc story he's a little nicer rn because this was when they were younger.

I don't remember much really. All my life my family has lived the nomadic life. Never staying in one place long I seen and met all types of people and heard all types of wild claims.

But I'm now 10 I was able to set off from my family a young half foot like myself was ready to make my way out into the world. And so far it's been good. A bit rough some people have their opinions of my kind but I've also heard opinion of their kind.

I'm currently in Kahka Brud I was picked up by an awfully nice old man he let me ride in the back of his cart until the we reached the next village.

"We are here miss!" He says looking back at me. I smiled and hopped off the cart, "thank you so much for the ride mister!" I called back happily going to the front of the cart and pulling out my cash bag but he waved me off. "No need for that I was already passing by keep it you might need it for something else." He smiled. I couldn't help but grin back and ask, "Are you sure?"

"Yes yes off you go get now" he swatted the air playfully before moving along. "Bye bye!" I waved before heading into the village. It looked really cute a little small but cute.

It was then that I saw a beautiful meadow and ran to it, laying on the ground I watched the clouds roll by the breeze was gentle the warm sun not tok bright just enough to feel nice and the sounds were nice too I couldn't help but doze off. How was I supposed to know I'd meet my soulmate the love of my life the boy who would own my heart years later still? How was I to know he'd give me my greatest treasure.

I felt a hand shake me awake it was gentle yet firm. My eyes open to see a boy with redish brown hair and brown eyes looking down at me with a look of worry yet caution.

"Huh didn't know I could dream up such a handsome boy.." I mutter but unfortunately our ears are too good and his face flushed red. "W-what are you talking about? Who are you I haven't see you around before?"

"I'm Izzybel Valz I'm a wanderer.." I say as I sit up. "Who are you?" I mutter sleepily. "I'm Chilchuck Tims nice to meet you. Ive heard anout you guys before! The nomadic kind who travel everywhere and dont stay in one spot right?"

I nod this guy was easy to talk to "nice to meet you Chilchuck Tims. Im not here to cause troublei just wanted to redt a bit."

"Well this is a lousy place to rest we have a inn not too far from here." He says. "Really?! Can you show me were please" I could help but smile at him cute and helpful he keeps getting better and better.

Chilchuck smiles back and nods holding out a hand which I grabbed while he assisted me up. I held his hand as he showed me the way telling me a few thing about this cute village. I had a feeling I was going to love it here.

I didn't know however that this boy was my true love and that in this meadow under a bright blue sky is were everything would turn upside down and all around yet what I also didn't know was that the boy also had a part of me in his heart too. Locked up sealed good and tight, these memories and feelings were locked away to protect his heart which yearned for its other half.

We had locks on our hearts but the keys were in the others hand waiting patiently to be opened again.

[isdalinarhot]

might be too soon to have many thoughts but since i can't stop thinking about painter and/or yumi i'd love to hear your thoughts

very excited to do this im like halfway through my second read of yumi and the nightmare painter and im enjoying it very much

okay FIRST painter

First impression: during the preview chapters time i was like YES FINALLY REPRESENTATION FOR THE MARGINALIZED CLASS OF PEOPLE WHO DO THE BARE MINIMUM <3 and felt very seen

Impression now: painter.... painter i would do anything for you....... painter

Favorite moment: OGH to pick is so hard but i think probably when he meets the dreamwatch and realizes theyre all a bunch of nepo babies and goes oh fuck so thats why i didnt get in and his world is like exploded

Idea for a story: well call me crass but i think that like every good m/f sanderson couple the world would be greatly improved by a tasteful 2k fic about him getting pegged. im not gonna write it though

Unpopular opinion: i dont vibe with the people calling him their little baby boy. just feels weird. hes 19. and hes probably roshar 19 so earth 20. i know thats young but that feels old enough for me to be like lets just stick with calling him a poor little meow meow lets not infantilize him. yknow?

Favorite relationship: painter yumi supremacy you know this

Favorite headcanon: i think hes transmasc and like. 2 months post top surgery 2 years on t. i think this because when he found out that yumi was inhabiting his body and making it look feminine he became "morose" and that sort of reaction is exactly how i would react if i was a 19 year old tboy and i found out that my tits were growing back on my body every other day like prometheus's liver. plus the first time they bathe together yumi is looking at his crotch and is slightly baffled and i KNOW thats supposed to be a "yumi has never seen a dick before" thing but IM READING IT as a "yumi was expecting a cis dick and did not get a cis dick and doesnt get it because she doesnt know what trans people are because shes a highly sheltered ritual priestess from the 3rd century" thing.

ok now yumi

First impression: i dont think i liked her in the preview chapters because i was like okay so her thing is she tries too hard and shes gonna meet painter and shes gonna show him the Value Of Putting Effort Into Things and i was like blech.

Impression now: yumi i would do anything for you. yumi. yumi listen to me. if you wanted me to kill someone i would do it.

Favorite moment: during the sanderlanche..... when shes stacking ten bajillion rocks........ please god

Idea for a story: see painter

Unpopular opinion: i dont know what constitutes an unpopular yumi opinion EXCEPT. that ive seen her get a lot less hype than painter and i really think theres no reason for that except for fandom misogyny. so like. begging people to be as enthusiastic about her as they are about painter please god

Favorite relationship: see painter

Favorite headcanon: she and painter would FOR SURE be t4t if yumi wasnt born with so much passive investiture for her to present as a girl for her whole life therefore effectively transing her gender as she is coming out the pussy and making her essentially cis. i believe this. brandon sanderson told me.

[sadistpet]

(( ok, i saw you post a portrayal meme i think and i just wanted to drop in there for a quick minute and do a thing; I AM SORRY IF THIS MAKES LITTLE SENSE I AM SO SLEEPY

oh my lord, where did you come from? like, you appeared one day and the volgin inside me was like 'AY OOP U WOT' and dont get me wrong i need to get on volgin and let these men make love but shhh enough of that a minnie while i talk some waffle;

firstly, your writing is. MWAH. the goOD CUSH. the best cush even? i've seen you talk of your education and like, in my opinion, it goes beyond that. like, i read your writing and im just- i feel as though i should get a hot cup of cocoa and snug up as if i'm reading a book. you're articulate and your words are beautifully written. im no critic by any means (high school level BAYBEEEE) but i can tell you now that when i read your writing, i'm simply blown away by how incredible it is. you can see the passion in your words, the way you describe things, people, places, etc. it's like seeing someone paint a beautiful picture - but with words! (if that makes sense???)

as for your portrayal; THANK YOU SO MUCH. seriously, thank you for showing us raikov. thank you for giving him more than just 'the pretty boy comic relief lover of big scary man'. you've given him so much more, while staying canon, respecting canon and doing canon justice. i think if kojima saw the way that you write raikov, he would give it his blessing because you truly do such a magical job with the character. i always say to people who are passionate about their characters that i love that, i admire it. it excites me seeing writers clearly in love with what they're writing and i always get that vibe from you. and AND as one side character writer to another, straight up solidarity with you, my friend. keep doing a wonderful job (i know u will).

fINALLY cause i have WAFFLED MASSIVELY, you - are so wonderful. seriously, always supportive, always sweet, always kind. i want to pat your head and show u to everyone like that one will smith meme. you're fab and i am SO so glad that we're moot moots. thank you for being so fabulous, i'd tell you to keep being amazing but i know that you will. <3 ))

OH MY GODDDDDS HAN YOU ARE SO SWEET ( CRUSHES YOU AFFECTIONATELY LIKE WHEN RAIDEN DOES IT WITH A SPINE ) YOU ARE LITERALLY SO SWEET IM THROWING UP SCREAMING CRYING

to answer your question of where i came from i was in fact delivered to this world in a very small little basket with pink bows on it and an atomic bomb in my hands. and i found out about raikov because my beloved showed me mgs2 and he loves raiden ( me too ) and raikov is obviously linked on his page and something about him just made me keep coming back. maybe because i am also blonde haired blue eyed love eating whiny mean and annoying. but something about him i just needed to write. i love love love taking neglected characters and doing a 2000s makeover to make them into an actual Character and he was a perfect candidate !

and then i nailed down this url and i just HAD to make this blog ESPECIALLY WHEN I SAW THAT YOUR BLOG EXISTED. OH MY GOD. i was like no now i need to theres a fucking stellar writer here writing volgin. i need to throw raikov at them with all the strength of a baseball pitcher or whatever theyre called idk baseball terms BUT YOU GET THE PICTURE. part of the reason this blog exists is literally because of yours. SO YOU HAVE YOURSELF TO THANK

YOURE SO SWEET since i developed cfs/me in my mid-late teens ive felt my writing has kinda. gone downhill. so it makes me so happy to hear that people are still enjoying what i'm doing ;o; YOU ARE SO SWEET I AM SO GLAD I DIDNT LET THE AVPD WIN AND STOP ME FROM MAKING THIS BLOG CAUSE AUGH. AUGH. everyone intimidated me so much but youre all so so sweet and nice to me i fucking baheem sob sob THANK U SO MUCH. GRABS YOU

[indepth-mbti]

hi, i want to know what type you think i am, and if i am e7 or e9. thank you!

previously, i have thought of myself as isfp (e7) but i realised that i lacked a set of principles/ morals which is wat Fi is about. after reading more about the functions, i see a lot of Se and Ne in me, in that Se: i observe my surroumdings a lot, surroundings matter to me, i get distracted by them even when someone is talking to me. things like people dropping their phone, kids crying, what show the person in front is watching etc., Ne: i like to keep my options open, i like imagining myself doing things more than actly doing them. i work in spontaneous bursts of energy. i also need freedom of choice. i dislike people telling me wat to do and restricting me. making a routine/ timetable doesnt end well usually.

honestly, i cant fathom why i am so preoccupied with finding my "type" cos a big part of me just doesnt see the point, like i change a lot, i am inconsistent. i also mirror people easily like their accent/ way of talking, if they are more focused on logic or emotion. hanging out with more than 1 person is a bit weird, because it's hard to adjust myself accordingly so i tend to become a 3rd wheel.

ive seen many mbti posts but i only relate in bits and pieces across diff types. but a friend whose opinion i value a lot thinks i am an isfp which is probably why i am hung up on it.

however, she recognises that i can be v flighty, partly due to childhood trauma and partly because i feel too much and i want to detach myself physically and emotionally. that being said, when it's safe to express my emotions, i cry easily and a lot, like during movies. sometimes i even get headaches, fevers and nausea from very angsty stuff. (i dont understand people who dont cry during demon slayer, in fact, im scared of them.)

when making decisions i choose the path of least resistance. but theres one thing though: i felt that my previous job was treating me unfairly (logically speaking, it was very bad luck and carelessness but i felt cheated of my effort as a whole that i put in) so before quitting, i wanted to get even. i didnt plan or think in depth, i just did what i thought was fair to me. at first it was totally impulsive but later i did put some thought into reaching my end goal more smoothly.

when i first play an open world game (genshin) i spend 3+h exploring and having fun, not knowing abt the objectives. then i get lost and cant complete the objectives at all which makes me quit. heh.

I don't see enough proof to tell if you're Se or Ne dom, I won't rule out Fi dom tbh. You're for sure a high FiTe user.

"i also mirror people easily like their accent/ way of talking, if they are more focused on logic or emotion. hanging out with more than 1 person is a bit weird, because it's hard to adjust myself accordingly so i tend to become a 3rd wheel." "when making decisions i choose the path of least resistance."

This sounds a lot like E9, specially sx9. I don't see the narcissism and fraudulence of the E7 in you, if you're a head type I'll say that you're E6 - I think that you're E9, but there's an orientation towards justice and fairness that sounds super E6 in you, but it may also be FiTe.

I'd go for ESFP sx9 tbh. Specially for the "what's the point of finding your type?" part, Se users value practicity. But I recommend you to keep analysing yourself, specially regarding perception and what kind of information do you prefer - do you feel more comfortable with tangible facts? or do you feel more comfortable with big and abstract ideas? Don't answer this questions right know, your own psyche can be quite manipulative. Observe yourself, be patient.

[evelyns-writing-blog]

Catch the Wind: Reincarnated into an Idealised Shell - Chapter IV: The Cave

[Previous Chapter]

Much to my distaste, the cave was incredibly cramped. The crawl spaces were way too narrow, and we had to go through three of them.

Shiro had no problem.

Freesia got through just fine.

But I cried and moaned the whole way. Completely failing to keep up my fake smile.

Listen, it wasn't as if I had to lie flat against the ground and shimmy my way through, but the height of these crawl spaces only gave about a foot worth of extra space. For me that's too little.

Once we were through that, though, we found ourselves in a huge opening. I couldn't see the ceiling, and I couldn't see the wall on the other side.

I could hear water flowing.

Freesia walked ahead of us and she cast a giant fireball spell and sent it up to the roof of the cave. It acted like a chandelier, and the room lit up. It's a good thing she did that, because I was just a step away from falling over a cliff that I couldn't see. I silently took a few steps back and fell to my knees. That was close.

Once I gathered enough confidence to look over the cliff, my eyes were greeted by a massive structure.

No, it was more like a small town that had been buried or something. No windows, no doors. No people, either. It looked extremely primitive.

At the back of the room, I saw a waterfall. It was really pretty. Maybe it was worth crawling through those crawl spaces.

I anxiously giggled. "Even if I get a low ranking, it was worth coming all the way out here..." I mumbled to myself.

Shiro hugged my arm. "It's pretty. But don't forget we're here for a mission," he said in a whisper. "Besides, this cave kinda freaks me out, beyond its breathtaking view, I swear it's haunted."

Ghosts probably existed in this world. So I was a little put off by that comment. I've never seen a ghost before, so I held the belief that they just didn't exist. However if I did see one, I'd probably faint.

I shook my head. "Even if it's haunted, I'll protect you from any ghosts that come our way," I said, confidently. I was probably going to scream like a girl if I ever saw one, though.

Shiro giggled and hugged my arm tighter and I found myself blushing. "Well, ghosts can't attack us and we can't attack them anyway, but I appreciate that." His voice calmed me down a bit, and I felt more comfortable being in this cave. I regret not talking much to him on the way here.

"S-So, ghosts are friendly, then?"

"Well, that depends, they may not be able to hurt people, but I've heard of people dying from heart attacks just by seeing them."

Fressia spoke up for the first time since entering the cave. "That's false, don't go feeding him lies, Shiro."

Shiro huffed and crossed his arms. "Don't blame me, blame the person that told me in the first place."

"And who would that be?"

"The leader of Mountain Wolves."

Freesia cringed. "Geh. That guy should know better than to spread rumours like that after what happened two months ago."

"Huh?! He was responsible for that?! Him and his party were just as shocked as everyone else, though!"

"Haha, yeah, he admitted to it to me a month ago. Apparently he didn't realise how dangerous it would have been at the time, that's why he was so surprised then."

"Huh. You think you know a guy. I should probably stop listening to him then."

"Hey, he's a good kid, just dont take everything he says at face value."

...

I felt so lost.

I hadn't really thought about it until now, but this really was another world. Stuff didn't just magically show up once I woke up in that ditch. It has a history. It's existed alongside my original world the whole time, and not a soul knew about it. I suppose I'm the only one that ever will. It made me feel weird to think about.

Well, at least that means it's real. I'd probably feel even weirder if this world was all made up specifically for me.

Shiro went back to clinging to my arm again. "Let's get going then!" I'd like to say he was trying to flirt with me, but I could tell by his shaking that he seemed to be really scared. That alone made me feel a little more comfortable. I get as though I could handle anything this cave throws at me as long as I get to protect Shiro.

  Freesia stopped us before we even took a step. "Wait, something's wrong," she said, pointing down at the abandoned city. "Some of the buildings down there have been demolished."

  I squinted my eyes, trying to see what she was talking about. "Freesia, this place is pretty rundown to begin with, maybe they just collapsed overtime..."

  "No, that's not possible. This is technically a tourist spot, it's regularly maintained once a year. It shouldn't have been possible for it to collapse."

  Shiro let go of my arm and rushed to Freesia's side, it must've been more visible from over there. "Hey, i think i see claw marks on that building," he whispered. I could still hear him, and he seemed to notice and lowered his voice even more.

Whatever he said next, it made Freesia's face go pale, she backed away from the ledge and gripped her staff tighter than she was already.

"What's wrong?" I asked, my anxiety was getting the better of me, I was super worried.

Freesia looked over at me, and then down the path leading deeper into the cave. She took a deep breath, and then started walking towards me. No, towards the exit. "We're leaving," she said, shakily.

"What?!"

"I'm grading you as an A-Ranked Average mercenary. Let's call it quits here."

I didn't understand. "But what about—?!"

"Don't just stand there, let's get going!" Freesia snapped at me. She gave me a panicked look.

Shiro patted me on the back. "I know we came a long way to get here, but in all honesty, it might not be so safe right now," for the first time in the time I'd known him, he sounded timid, afraid.

Truly timid. Truly afraid. Not just about some ghost stories or whatever. He seemed scared for his life.

I stayed where I was. I didn't move. Why won't you tell me? That's what was running through my mind.

I suddenly felt really angry. "Let's keep going..." I said, monotone.

Shiro held my hand and tried to pull me along. "It's not something that can be helped, the cave isn't safe," he said constantly looking around, anxiously. "It's a monster. I didn't wanna freak you out so I didn't tell you, but if you're insisting on continuing then I have to."

I froze up. I wasn't moving. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to. "We're just going to quit right at the end?" I felt myself trembling.

Shiro looked me in the eyes, annoyance taking over his fearful look. "Why are you being so stubborn? Let's go."

"I'd rather die here than run away like a coward..." I muttered. I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

Freesia flinched and turned to me, she walked right over, pulled Shiro out of the way and slapped me. "There is a monster that is completely out of our skill range in here, and you're telling me you want to keep going?! Get the fuck over yourself, dude!"

"Hey!" Shiro yelled at her while getting between us. "Don't resort to hurting him!"

...

"I can even understand where he's coming from, so cut him some slack!"

...

"It doesn't seem like that thing is here right now, anyway, we can at least talk things out rationally and calmly for a while."

I had been looking at Freesia the whole time. She had her fist raised, but she lowered it once Shiro was done talking. She took a deep breath. "S- I mean, Marisa, why do you want to continue?"

I put my palm on my forehead. I felt like I was gonna pass out. "If I stop now, I'll just be seen as a coward."

Freesia sighed. "There's no one in this country capable of defeating this thing alone. Even with just me and Shiro, it'll be almost impossible."

What even was it? A dragon or something?

  I fell onto my ass and sighed. I was being selfish again. I really am terrible. My life was in shambles, I wanted to ruin it again. "I'll go by myself," I said, looking down at my knees. "You two can just wait here for all I care."

  They fell silent, the both of them. Cowards.

  I looked up at them and smiled weakly. "I'm not gonna let you two freaks stop me from actually doing something productive with my life. I'm gonna get that treasure and return to Nix with the highest rank I can achieve!" I stood up again, feeing more confident. I pulled out my sword. "I'm not scared of a dragon, or a demon, or whatever the fuck you two are scared of. If I run into it, so be it! I won't let a bunch of cowards boss me around!"

  Shiro backed off with a confused smile, he gave a hesitant sounding giggle. "M-Marisa, calm d-," he spoke, gently, unthreateningly.

  "Shut the fuck up!" I swiped my sword around dangerously. "Heheh...ahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!" I glared at Freesia next. "If you even try stopping me, I'll make it so you'll never be reunited with that man you like!" She grimaced and held herself back from retorting.

  I could tell she wanted to say something. She wanted to tear into me! Like a snake! Just waiting for an opening! To destroy me just like my sister did! But I won't let her! I'll not ggivr her a single opening! She won't even be able to respond! I'll control my life this time! I continued to giggle and laugh to myself. "I won't be a failure like last time! I won't just be a slave like last time! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

  I ran away, deeper into the cave. I'd do things the right way! My way! I won't have a repeat of my last life. I'd sooner die than allow that to happen.

  Whatever awaited me, deep in the cave, I'd kill it. Even if it's impossible. I'll die trying. Because I'm not some fucking slave to someone else's decisions!

  Never again.

  Never again!

  Never again...

The cave was dark, but not entirely. Small holes in the ceiling carried light from the surface all the way down here, so I could see where I was going with relative. This body had perfect vision. I didn't need to worry about a thing. "Stupid cowards. I'll show them."

  I'd been walking through the cave for ten minutes or so at this point. I didn't exactly know where I was going, but I could only hope I'd get to another big opening soon.

Another thing about this cave was the temperature. With being out in the cold for two days straight, being down here was warm. I had to take off a few layers. Being shirtless in a cave made me feel uncomfortable, but it's not like those scaredy cats would follow me, so I had no reason to worry about getting spotted.

I'm not a nudist.

This light armour was easy to carry around anyway, it's not like I'd actually fight anything in here anyway. This cave was narrow. Whatever they're scared of can't be that big at all. At the very least it can't come through here.

I gritted my teeth. "Those idiots..."

It was then, that I came across a choice. Left or right.

I didn't move for a while, then I smugly grinned. Other people have probably done this exact same thing before. I focused on the floor. There was probably going to be some sort of hint. There had to be.

And I found it. The dirt on the floor was more flattened heading to the left, so that meant most people went that way. Even if I was wrong, it probably didn't matter much, but I wanted a perfect score, no matter what. As best as I can do.

I kept going, dragging my sword across the ground, it was making sparks whenever I came across a stone floor. "I didn't travel two whole days for nothing. I'll show them."

The next room I found myself in was a domed room, with a drinking fountain in the middle. It didn't look like anything special, but it was kinda creepy that it was still operational despite being in a cave. I didn't bother trying to drink from it, who knows what sort of illness I could get if I did.

It pissed me off.

I chopped it in half with my sword. It took quite a few swings. In anime and manga, it always looked so easy to cut through stone.

Not that it matters anymore.

I sat down for a bit. I'd already overexerted myself. I'm way too weak. "I'm sure I'm close to the treasure," I mumbled to myself. "I wonder what it is though. Probably fake gold or something."

I heard it start to rain outside, some of the droplets reached down here too.

  I remembered the looks on Shiro and Freesia's faces when I talked back to them.

  I suddenly felt really bad about it.

  Why did I blow up at them? They were only trying to look out for me...

I got back up again after resting. "I should probably hurry."

The further into the cave I got, the darker it became, eventually I could barely see. It was scary, to be honest. I kept going onwards though.

Until I reached another room. It had a huge hole in the top, light shining through. I took a deep breath. If it got any darker, I might've gotten lost or something. I looked up through the hole, it went right outside. There were bits of dirt and rock still crumbling off from the hole... I guess this place must be collapsing or something. It's not very deep underground after all. The edges of the hole looked like it was charred. "..." my fears were gonna get the better of me if I stayed here any longer. I half-expected a monster to pop its head in from above through that hole.

...

Well. In the middle of the room was a treasure chest, and in that chest...

I sighed in disappointment. It was just a drawing of gold on some worn out paper.

I can't say I'm surprised, but I expected them to put a little bit more into the atmosphere of this trial job.

I folded it and put it in my pocket. Despite it being a pretty shitty piece of paper, I felt accomplished. Was it that hard for those two assholes to tag along? I would have felt more accomplished if they were here with me.

I felt better than them right now. I'm not a coward like they are. It's just an empty cave.

I laughed again. Maybe I overreacted a bit, but it just occurred to me back then that if I allowed myself to fall into that mentality of giving up, I probably wouldn't have been able to get out of it. Even if a serious threat was in the way, I had to keep going and complete this mission. Trial job or not.

To me, this job meant taking my freedom back. Freedom that I haven't had the privilege to use since I was 15. I wasn't going to let people I barely knew get in the way of that. Even if one of them is cute enough for me to want to give my life up for. This is my second chance at life, and I need to make a good first impression.

I'm someone that gets things done. That's who I want to be, I decided that. Suicidal thoughts and self hatred be damned.

Are you watching, sister? I'll prove you wrong, and I hope you're mad, I hope you never get a days peace knowing that I'm going to do better this time around.

  I stared at the now empty treasure chest and felt terrible. I crouched down and groaned. "They're gonna be really angry at me when I get back, aren't they?" I muttered. Coming down from my temper tantrum, I realised that I was probably an idiot.

I came back to the entrance of the cave, making sure to put my shirt and armour back on beforehand, and was promptly slapped by both Shiro and Freesia.

  "Seriously!" Shiro exclaimed in anger, he was pointing at me with his right hand, and had his left hand placed on his waist. What a tsundere. "You gave me all that crap for not letting that Donovan thing go and you're tellingg me you got all huffy about this stupid trial mission because you don't wanna just give up?!"

  Hypocrite, dishonest, pervert!

  Freesia was not equally as mad. While Shiro only slapped me once, Freesia decided to slap me non-stop. "I don't know what you're going through, but don't you dare bring my crush into this! I genuinely thought you were serious about that! And do you know how dangerous the stunt you just pulled was?! For crying out loud, Marisa! In some ways, you're just like him!"

  This barrage of violence and hate being thrown my way was 100% deserved, but I felt like I was gonna die. "Ahhhhh!!!! Stop! Stop! Stop slapping me! I'm sorry! I know it was really shitty, but I've learned my lesson!" I jumped back and got to my hands and knees. I got as low as I could, grovelling as best I could. "I promise to never say something like that, even as a joke, ever again!"

  Shiro got me up to my feet and hugged me. "Whatever Freesia might think, I'm just glad you're okay," he said. It was a shock to my system. I realised he was crying. "I wanted to go after you, but I was too scared, both of us were."

  "..." I cringed. "Sorry..." I think I'm supposed to hug him back, but Freesia was glaring at me, and that glaring got worse depending on where I hovered my hands over his body. I settled for just patting him on the back and petting his head.

  Freesia shook her head and sighed. "Well, he may be safe, but the fact that thing is still hiding in this cave is making me paranoid, can we just get out of here already?"

  Shiro wiped his eyes, and didn't turn around until any hint that he'd been crying had vanished. He smiled and put a finger to his lips.

  I finally cracked a happy smile too.

  After a few more apologies, we went on our way.

  I really am such a child aren't I?

  I wouldn't be surprised if that little temper tantrum I threw was enough to dock points off my final score. I really should've thought about that. Now that I've calmed down, this all seems kinda stupid. I didn't know I had that type of anger in me.

I looked down at my hands as I waited for Shiro and Freesia to crawl through the first crawl space. I noticed that I had quite a lot of burns and calluses on my hands... why was that? What was the original owner like?

A memory flashed in my mind for a moment.

I was having a sword fight with someone. Wooden swords. They looked younger than me but their face was a blur. In this memory, I also seemed to be shorter. This must be a memory from the original owner.

I was winning the fight, blocking every single blow and landing a finishing blow on my opponent's shoulder.

"Again?" The opponent said, he sounded disappointed, frustrated. Definitely a kid. Maybe in his early teens. "How am I the leader if my second in command can always beat me?"

My voice came out lighter. Definitely a younger version of this body. "Hey, leading isn't all about physical strength, [***]. You're a lot smarter than me. I could never come up with such a crazy plan."

Were they LARPing? I did it at a young age too, so I'm not gonna fault them for that, but still.

The boy in front of me hopped back up to his feet and swung his sword around. "Don't be so humble, [***]. I know you have a few good ideas in that head of yours, I just happened to think of it first."

"If you insist," the original owner sighed. "Well, you up for anoth—."

"Marisa!"

Huh?

I snapped back to reality. I was crying again.

"C'mon, Marisa, crawl through!" I heard Freesia yelling for me.

I got flustered and hastily made my way through the first crawl space. "S-Sorry about that," I said. I felt as though I had to be obedient for a while to make up for the fact I just snapped at these two for no reason.

At any rate, we made it out of the cave, and that's mission accomplished. Felt kinda anti-climactic. And because of that, I was still on edge.

It's better that nothing happened, to be honest, because I would have been dead already if something did happen. So what if it was a red herring? That's a good thing. The less conflict, the less risk, the better.

I glanced at Shiro, and he was sweating despite it being so cold out.

"Shiro, are you alright? Do you have a cold or something?" I said it, semi-worriedly, semi-jokingly.

Freesia grabbed me by the head and forced me to look forward. "Don't look back," her voice was trembling. I glanced over to her. She was sweating too. "It was waiting for us, the whole time."

"...That dangerous monster you were talking about?" I tried to keep my voice at a whisper.

"Yeah. You were probably right to go looking for that treasure. By the fact the snow had melted outside of the cave already, it's been waiting ever since we arrived." She glanced at me, I've never seen her this scared before. "Your temper tantrum gave us a good half an hour more to live..."

She seriously noticed that? Shiro must've as well. I was too focused on other things to realise that. I guess that just goes to show you the gap between me and these two.

  And half an hour? That can't be right. We could get away from this situation, can't we?

  ...Right?

Shiro squeezed my hand in his. He was hyperventilating. "It's gonna attack us. There was no avoiding this fight..." he glanced over to me, his eyes barely keeping steady, his lips trembling. "The best we can do is try and take it off its guard right as it attacks, but our chances of survival are low."

"..." I started feeling panicked. "W-What are we supposed to do now?" Stopped walking, but Shiro pushed me along.

"Keep walking, pretend like nothing's wrong," he whispered. I obeyed him. "You'll slow us down, so when I give the signal, please just run away as fast as you can."

I realised I was starting to sweat too. I nodded and kept my eyes forward. My walking had gotten really wobbly. My breathing was getting worse. The fact that Shiro and Freesia were scared was making me freak out.

What was behind me?

What was it?

I wanted to turn around so badly, but I felt that if I did, I'd die.

"Run, now!" Freesia exclaimed.

I booked it. I ran as fast as I could.

"Huh?! Shit!" Shiro yelled out almost immediately. "Marisa, jump to the right! It was aiming for you!"

I did as I was told. I ended up landing face first in the snowy dirt, and the next thing I heard was the snapping of something, and then something huge crashing into the ground.

I struggled to my hands and knees, but I suddenly felt a sharp and hellish pain in my leg. I couldn't even scream, my breath was taken away. I looked back and almost collapsed from fear.

The calf of my left leg had been snapped in two. I tried to scream but I couldn't.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream.

My vision was going blurry. I could barely handle the pain. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. Not even my sister had broken any of my bones before. And those wolves in the forest had at least the courtesy of avoiding my bones altogether.

  I couldn't move, if I moved it would hurt even worse. I tried to steady my breathing, but I couldn't at all.

  I looked up, finally, and I saw what had just crash landed.

  A dragon. It had red scales, sharp claws. Its tail had a sharp end. Perfect for stabbing. Its eyes were golden, and it was staring at me. Tears of blood were flowing from its eyes. It was boiling blood too. The smoke coming from its mouth. It looked just about ready to breathe fire at just a moment's notice.

  It looked like it was smiling, almost. Mocking me.

  It roared, spewing boiling, lava like blood from its mouth. Was it sick?

  Or was it just like that?

  I felt like my heart had stopped.

  Such a simple and common monster in fantasy, and yet it always strikes fear into the heroes of the story.

  A dragon is God.

  That is the distance between humans and a Dragon. You couldn't hope to beat one on your own. Even an army would be better off fleeing.

  It instilled fear into me. I felt like giving up. I wanted to get on my hands and knees and pray to the dragon in the hopes that it would spare me.

  That wouldn't happen, though.

  It was hopeless.

  This was it.

  I was going to die again.

———————————

Author’s Note:

This was originally supposed to be a part of chapter 3, which is why it feels sort of fast compared to the previous chapter. Again, that chapter was taking too long as is.

Anyway, things aren’t looking good for our heroes. But I’m sure it’ll work out just fine.

I watched A Brighter Summer Day by Edward Yang in the cinema yesterday, it was so good that it got me out of a pretty serious writers block. I finished a majority of this chapter two hours before I’m posting this. Great film btw, I highly recommend it.

[Song of the Day]

[Next Chapter]

[kittychosis]

my friend referred to her as a penguin once, my penguin. she explained it was a term for someone you couldnt stand to have anyone else over. that no matter who came, my penguin will always be in the way. no matter who i loved, i would give it all away if she asked me to. a penguin is like a rock in your soul thats so deep in you gave up on trying to dislodge it. i thought it was a strange and incorrect judgement on my friends part. but its been years since ive talked to her, since ive seen her. its been years and i still feel that tension of her being lodged in my soul. i still wonder how fast i would walk out of any of my partners doors if she just asked me to. if i just got one message from her. i stay awake all night long tossing and turning. always wondering if she'll come back, always wondering if ill be weak enough to let her. i am terrified of the thought that our eyes might meet again, especially after the words i laid at her door step. i was out of place, but youve been there yourself many times before. i didnt know i had a penguin. i didnt know what a penguin was, but now shes here with nowhere to go. i cannot ask her to leave because truthfully, i dont want her to. i didnt want to walk away, but i did. i tried to leave but the penguin is a part of me. she gets between me and any love i may find, it makes me angry but mostly it just makes me sad. i want her back subconsciously in the back of my head every day. but i dont know if i'd have her back if she was here. i want her, i need her, i love her, but i cannot have her. no matter how much time or distance i have put between us, she remains in my head and heart, i cant imagine a world where she doesnt. pain arises from the absence she leaves in reality.

[melonpeel]

i feel like ranting about my job, career choices etc so here goes.

I'm currently working part time as a graphic designer to help pay the bills (or "marketing assistant" if you go by the contract - but it's literally graphic design stuff)

i dont dislike my job. i enjoy being able to work in an area somewhat related to the arts. the hours are good and the pay is not bad either. my boss and coworkers are all nice enough.

but they all seem to have this misconception that i took on this job as an act of love. that i have goals to stay there a long time and grow in the industry etc. im not sure where that idea even came from since i was honest from the get go that: im an artist. im in art school, nearly graduating, and im not a famous artist by any means but I've been doing a pretty decent job at building my career so far. I've had some local exhibitions, fairs, etc. I have good connections. i have a solid recognizable style. i know what mediums and materials i prefer to work with, which specific fields I'd like to direct my work to, i honestly got all that boring stuff figured out ages ago.

i guess it's just frustrating having well intentioned people trying to "guide" (or mold, really) you into the right path to succeed in career A, when you have no interest in ever growing in that field whatsoever. i understand art is a tricky career choice and it doesnt hurt to have a plan B, but frankly, i can't imagine a world where my plan B is just "getting a full time job and a couple promotions in an industry I don't give 2 shits about"

it also throws me off a lot how me focusing mostly on working and not speaking about myself is seen as me being "shy and insecure" and not me clearly keeping my work and personal life separated. i understand not everyone agrees to this mentality and some people like forming genuine connections with their colleagues. alas, i have been and am going to be with the team for a very short time, and in the time I've been with them already, I've heard a lot of prejudice about the type of person i am (which they don't know). when you're a queer creative who doesn't stand by the traditional family bs, and you're living in a highly conservative city, you learn to shut the fuck up and tone down your whole being real fast.

sure it sucks. sure i wish i could be my genuine, non-quiet/passive self. but ive tried before, and every single time it ended with me being mistreated quite badly. so who wants to keep trying? its been one too many years and i simply dont have it in me anymore. yeah its killing me slowly. never did i think id go back in the closet, but thats how life is i guess.

at the end of the day: im poor. i have no family or support system. i am the kind of person some hate simply for existing. i am going to keep my distance. i am going to do what i have to so i can survive. i am going to be unhappy until the day im not.

[littlelambdrgnfly]

Ok since you reblogged that one post I hope you know I reread The Sum of Them for the 3rd time, maybe like a month ago, up until the last chapter and i never finished it cause i didnt want to experience it ending again (if that makes sense), i wish it never ended. I wish they could play baby games forever but its so important it does end because the ending is soo beautiful but so devastating, and it's beautiful because its so devastating, and my heart cant take experiencing that again :'-(

i already sent a message on here saying that your fic was the first fic to make me cry, possibly the first piece of LITERATURE in general to make me cry (i could be wrong but i cant remember any piece before that), and it made me cry 2 times when reading it for the first time. It is truly my favorite piece of McLennon fanfiction, but the only reason i dont fully consider it mine is that if someone were to ask me, it'd be too taboo/freaky to say but its truly one of the most heartfelt and complex ways ive ever seen anyone portray John and Paul while also feeling completely accurate and realistic. My god. And i love so many of your other fics too but The Sum of Them really means so much to me and I cant even say that enough. i wish you could just live as me and be inside my mind to fully grasp how much of an affect it had on me, I dont think i will ever be able to explain it sadly </3. But just know out of every McLennon fic ive ever read (and ive read many), THAT one is my very favorite out of like 100+. The way you characterize them is just so completely different from any other fic ive read and its so intimate and raw and holy shit i dont even have the words. Sorry i know im rambling at this point but I just think about it a lot! Also your fics are the only fics i enjoy anymore, (recent) beatles fics have gone down the drain in my opinion and yours are the only ones i can be satisfied with because, as far as im concerned, anything you write is automatically in-character for them after reading The Sum of Them lol x) thank you so SO much for writing cause it's truly exposed so many of my own desires and hidden , sensitive parts of myself that couldn't be excavated any other way without your work 💖

Dude... this is legitimately one of the best comments I've ever gotten. I wish I could memorize all of this and replay it for myself whenever I'm feeling blue. Thank you so so much, it means the world to me! I think all writers insert their own thoughts and emotions into their work, and I definitely do that in all of mine, but especially The Sum of Them. This fic is basically my wishlist of things I would do with a partner, as well as coming to better terms with my own kinks, so I'm glad it's been able to resonate with people. I'm also glad that I managed to keep John and Paul in character, even if John is crying every other paragraph lmao! I totally get what you're saying about wishing I could experience what you did, I wish I could too. Sometimes I reread my fics with the mindset of someone reading it for the first time, but it's just not the same. I'd give my left tit for more writers on my level or higher who wrote bottom!John or even ABDL fics, I swear. I don't read a lot of fics these days, but I'm usually disappointed whenever I check the Beatles tab. I'm also really really bad at remembering titles and author names, so I never remember what fics that I like! Thank God for bookmarks. I definitely understand not wanting to tell people that this is your favorite fic though, lol! I've been writing Beatles fics for a long time, but I created a new account on AO3 when I started writing these fics. I'm comfortable talking about this stuff, but only with the help of an alternate profile. I'm really really happy to help people explore this side of themselves though-- too often fics like mine are just really gross over-the-top and completely unrealistic portrayals in my opinion, and I guess I wanted to bring something sweeter and more realistic to the table. <3

[ohleander]

2.9.23

Ive been in freeze mode for a couple of days and it kinda has me a bit shook. I'm still trying to learn to keep myself and body calm but my hormones definitely feel more out of control than I'd like. A little over a year ago I thought to myself that taking testosterone might be a good option for me but I also wanted to understand my body and my baseline better before I made changes to it.. I try to respect and understand my body for what it is, but sometimes I do want to change things. I often find myself feeling the best when I have more testosterone in my cycle and less so during the other parts of my cycle. The other parts are where I feel absolutely out of my mind and I cant take it, I've read where a lot of people who start taking T feel better and more "normal" and I wonder if that would be true for me. I'm kinda interested in a low-dose to start with. I also often feel sooo disconnected from my physical body, though I try to have respect for it as well. I wonder if I'll ever get to feeling okay with myself. I still crave so much external validation. Still learning to give it to myself. Learning to not give everything I have to others has been intense. Keeping things for myself is certainly a practice.. But here I find myself holding onto so much that I either don't want or don't even realize. I still find myself shaming myself over certain things. Its silly and I'd like to keep letting go. I'll most likely always feel a bit unsure. I'll most likely always feel a bit uncomfortable. Is that my baseline? I really want so much more for myself but why don't I feel like I deserve to go after it? Why do I feel like me taking up space will take space away from others? Why do I think making room for others instead of myself is more valid? Isn't there room for us all? That's a mindset thing I'd like to change.

I don't know why all of this serious self reflection always flows right out of me. I'd like to write about other things sometime but things just don't flow so easily like they do when I think of this serious stream of consciousness stuff.

Right now I really am just kinda taking it one day at a time.. I can only do so much.. and as always I feel like I'm bracing for something big that's coming next. Its hard for me to feel okay when I feel like I cant keep up with the modern world and it makes me not even want to try. I've still got to find another way. Another way that's more effortless.

Also these days I'm feeling more clueless.. I reckon thats fine. I'm really looking to simplify my mind.. I thought it was my duty to be the wise wizard type, the nurturer but lawd.. the minute I try, it feels like something I dont want to do. I think its my self destructive tendencies.. why actually succeed and risk being a hated fool when you can self sabotage and stay ~ in control~ of your vibe, amiright? I also fear that when I'm not paying attention others will point out something I didnt see and I'll feel so dumb.. and maybe thats okay.. I fear my boss coming in and telling me I'm not doing enough.. I fear the unpredictable rejection.. unpredictable rejection is a tender core wound of mine..

I find myself faced with learning all the things I did not get during my formative times.. learning all the things and ways in which I fell short and was fallen short.. its easy to blame the parents and the way you were raised.. nurture and nature are both important. I'm still coming to understand my nature. I wish I could see myself as a valid person who can be seen in this world but I just want to nestle back and be as opposite from the vibe as possible. Modern life has you feelin guilty over NOT sharing your life.. I dont have anything to hide, I just dont really want to be SEEN so much.. just by the right people.

I'm allowed to dream big and I'm allowed to be absolutely grand and silly with it. I believe I am worthy of my biggest dreams and dreaming big is not selfish nor does it take anything away from anyone else.

LA

[elysiae]

following this up with a more personal rant

ive always written for myself. i use my writing to release the emotions that ive got that i cant express anywhere else. im autistic, queer, disabled, and i spent my whole life being silenced and shut down and my writing was the only place i could ever go to outlet it. its why i tend to latch onto such heavy topics because ive gone through SO much of that. everywhere i go, im not safe, the only safe haven is when i can dump all of my anger or sorrow or desperation into words on a page and watch it coalesce into something that resonates with me and anybody else who might read it. ive always been told i can convey emotions so strongly through my writing and thats because i feel those when i write. all of my fiction is the product of turmoil and that sounds sad, yes, but i take so much pride in it because i can help people, i know i can help people, i have helped people!

i sent a story to my brothers a while ago, it was for my ELA grade 9 PAT that i'd gotten 100% on. it was a short story about a boy who had been blessed by the gods with powers to destroy everything he touched, and then he was told to use it for good (well, that gets complicated, but we won't get into that for this explanation). all he ever wanted was to help people, and he felt like a sort of pillar of bad luck, if that made sense. it seemed like everyone who he grew attached to were befallen by tragedy, and he wanted to feel like he was doing something right. and the way he did this was by leading a rebellion against the government forces who were doing everything in their power to silence the poor and weak and 'insignificant'. he was only 16 and he was so unsure of himself, but with the power of community and the unwavering determination he always had he managed to turn the tides and win the fight. my brother had just recently started getting into public speaking and leading at his job, and he said it resonated with him; the fear of others' reactions at first, the knowing that people are relying on you, wondering if you're doing good enough. he said he felt for the kid, and he understood. it stuck with him! and thats exactly what im going for with my writing; i want to help people feel heard and understood. i want people to know they're seen because i was never seen, i was never understood or heard, im still not.

but its so fucking hard to do that when ai is around. you can fearmonger all you want---ai doesn't think. ai doesn't feel. it is a soulless doormat of code that only knows how to spew out bullshit that it parasitically leeching off your work, the people you look up to's work, beginner's work, professional work, anything and everything it gets its slimy hands on and vomits out an unoriginal poorly stitched together, anything. ive seen people say 'well but look at this incredible thing ai made!' but no, its not incredible. i dont care how gorgeously ethereal the lighting and coloration is, or how eloquent the detail described is, there are artists out there who painted in those colors, there are writers out there who use the words and descriptions. and ai. stole it. from. them. AI is not original, it does not have soul, it does not have the thing that makes creation so beautiful. it does not. have. humanity. AI is not human, it will never be human, it will never understand our experiences and emotions and struggles, it will only ever spit out an amalgamation of countless creators who's love for their work is lost. i don't care if i get attacked for this. yeah, yeah, AI has it's uses, but it has no place in the world of creation. it never will have it's place in the world of creation. even if you want to get ideas from it, it's just recycled ideas from other creators. and i am NOT saying that getting inspiration from other creators is bad, LORD knows ive done it, but it's so much better when you sit down and discuss with another person. you might not have the vast ""knowledge"" ai does, but it's so much more real when you can talk back and forth with someone, especially if theyre just as passionate as you. ai only says what you want to hear, it doesn't have opinions, but people do! human connection is SO valuable and it's something i touch on SO much in my writing and it pisses me off to NO end that instead of talking to people face to face or online people go to ai which gives you stolen ideas and then steals YOUR ideas that YOU tell it and the developments YOU make and oh my god i need to go play warframe. but AM I MAKING SENSE HERE??? i am not very eloquent or good at speaking my thoughts but it drives me nuts.

and for people out there saying "nobody supports my work" TALK TO PEOPLE ONLINE! go on forums! make posts! join writer/artist/other creator communities! talk to those people! get ideas from REAL people! expand on your ideas there! let me tell you, worldanvil has an awesome community, i tend to stay in my own bubble but i can almost guarantee discord has hundreds or thousands of discord servers, if you're willing to try dipping into that (though id be careful). social media exists, and i know theres all this "social media bad" yadda yadda but there's good parts too. no matter how much people irl dont support you or your work there is guaranteed to be SOMEBODY online who WILL.

anyway i uh... yeah i dont think im upset anymore. i know my story is like a broken record and theres probably hundreds of posts out there but man man MAN i am so. ughhhh i hate ai

do any other creators have this fear of posting their creations with the rising of AI because the idea of it leeching off your work and spewing out unoriginal half-baked bullshit makes you genuinely nauseous so you just straight up dont post anything anymore