kittychosis

[kittychosis]

my mom is not a safe person to be around. she makes me deeply uncomfortable.

[kittychosis]

i wish i was doing anything besides being alone in this evil house w my narcissistic mom

[kittychosis]

me grey rocking my mom bc her teasing is actually guilt tripping n she annoys the fuck outta me

[kittychosis]

the amount of people who have mistaken me as a trans woman the whole time they knew me is insane

[kittychosis]

me becoming psychotic in my room all alone just like my dad used to do in the garage :D

[kittychosis]

i hate when bitches ask me how im doing while im mentally spiraling and i cant tell them that so i leave them on read for hours while i come up w a lie that doesnt sound like im on the actual verge of buying a gun

[kittychosis]

got way too fucked up at a party then everyone wanted to go to a bar and the minute i stepped inside i started throwing up in my mouth then i threw up all over myself, my partner and the dance floor. my room mates boyfriend high fived me then told me he threw up on and knocked over an autistic kid. i asked for context and he walked away. we left and i immediately ran straight into a stop sign full speed in front of everyone.

[kittychosis]

Religion was wrong to assume and assert that there is only one god. Everybody is God. (Thats the big secret)

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who the FUCK is ready for Crashout Christmas!!!!

[kittychosis]

no one:

joe on instagram: look at this big jar of GLOP i just made... aha.. ha 🤓😎

[kittychosis]

i really dont fw this bitch lol

[kittychosis]

had a dream last.nihjt that i ran into my exes mom and she asked how our relationship is going (i still think about the fact they never told anyone they knew that we broke up for moths to a year after we split ways)

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me in middle school: wow! i dont think i have depression anymore :D

me in college w a bipolar diagnosis: oh girl...

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of course the second im not sick anymore my eye gets infected and inflamed till its half way shut

[kittychosis]

why am i always so fucking angry

[kittychosis]

my mind is a steel box in which i can lose memories within the mess and yet when i come back i will still find it

[kittychosis]

i dont think i talk about this enough or give myself the credit for this ever but i struggled severely with addiction for the longest time. for about 10 years, since i was 10 years old, i fell into depression and addiction. but i wasnt addicted to abusing substances, i was addicted to abusing myself. for the longest time i just could not find it in me to stop cutting. even when i wasnt sad or overwhelemed, i would find myself cutting. i would spend all day thinking about it, waiting to go somewhere private with something sharp. i was addicted to the release of pain and physical proof of it. i loved the way cutting myself felt, i loved how that was one of the only times i could cry genuinely, i loved seeing the blood and stretching out the wounds, i loved watching the scars form, i loved the way taking showers hurt, i loved watching the blood seep into my carpet and all my clothes. i loved torturing and punishing myself. i loved knowing that i was "getting what i deserved". it absolved me of the guilt i felt about being alive. i felt that i justified my existence by punishing how burdensome i am. i fell in love with the feeling, the action, the aftermath; i never saw a world where i could stop. i never wanted to stop. it was a fix for every feeling i didnt like. i was forced into therapy so i would stop, but they didn't care why i was doing it, they just wanted me to stop. its been 2 and a half years since the last time i cut myself. i carry the scars always, and now they feel like they are proof enough. my pain does not feel so unmanageable. i no longer feel that i have to justify my own existence. i no longer want to keep doing what others will do for free. i put my coping mechanism down, now i know i can change.