#and I definitely can't tell my doctors I've been off it for almost 3 months at this point

[schizokaneko]

I think the fact that I think it'll be different this time is proof enough that I've already crossed the line into complete madness, whether or not I'm aware of it

[heartfucksmouth]

spent the night in the ER. As we all may or may not know, I got an IUD placed in Oct when I was 4 months postpartum.

I've been bleeding ever since. Not "spotting," but bleeding. Heavily. I've had ultrasounds to check on the position - it's in place. at 6 months of bleeding, I was put on Junel Fe to see if it would calm down. Nope. I started getting cramping so bad, I thought I had another cyst burst. I was getting really big clots/tissue.

Back to the doctors, I'm taken off Junel and put on doxycycline bc I guess it can slow the bleeding? and an ultrasound is scheduled for the first week in June, where, after imaging, I'd most likely have it taken out.

well, 3 days later and I'm bleeding so heavily and passing tissue like I've given birth. I bled through a heavy overnight pad in 3 hours, and left a blood pool on my cough 6 inches wide. the tissue I passed was like the size of my palm. I called the on-call midwife and she told me to go to the ER.

So, new pants, fresh pad (heavy flow overnight ~guaranteed 10 hours!~, I go to the ER and I'm ofc crying bc I didn't know wtf is going on and I hate leaving Aidan. I think I sat in the waiting room for less than 2 hours, getting up twice to get vitals and bloodwork done. When i got up to be wheeled to ultrasound, I realized I had bled through my pad and my pants again. Badly. I told the attendant while holding up my blood covered hand and he just went "oh. I'm sorry" LOL K

The tech tells me to get undressed and get on the table etc and I'm like "um, I'm bleeding like really really bad.." she was just like "it's fine" and left. I'm crying a little, and I pull down my underwear and I shit you not, felt clots and blood just gush out and splatter on the floor.

Now I'm sobbing bc there's nothing for me to clean it up, I can't find a trash can, and I just keep bleeding anyways, so I put some paper towels over the murder scene on the floor and lay on the bed, covering my face with my arm unable to stop crying. the tech is a cold bitch as usual and then I'm told to get dressed (in my bloody clothes thanks!) and sit in the wheelchair to be picked up.

the attendant. brings me back. to the waiting room. WHICH HAS BEEN PACKED WITH PEOPLE BY THE WAY! I'm crying still, and I get out if the chair and go to the desk to be like "hi I'm bleeding through my clothes??" but the male nurse grabbed and was like "THERE YOU ARE! I've got a room ready for you! I tried to call ultrasound but they didn't answer. what were you looking for?" and I just mumbled that I didn't want to get blood on the furniture as I followed him.

he had the nurse get me mesh underwear and pads and it was the first time I felt like someone empathize with me. he said "it's gonna be ok" with a reassuring look, and left.

I waited a while in there. listening to the ridiculous chaos that they were dealing with, all definitely more acute than me - esp bc my bloodwork showed I wasn't bleeding out or anything. a man with dementia was being aggressive with the staff even though he had broken ribs and a pneumothorax and had been dosed with fentanyl. he kept trying to dismantle his bed, almost broke his foot, and I was just waiting for one of the nurses to get hurt.

I got a pelvic exam, and the doctor used about 12 gigantic swabs trying to get all the clots he saw. he said "yeah i see what you mean, it's a slow constant ooze" wow, I feel sexy.

ultrasound was apparently clear, and he asked if I preferred to go home for the night or stay -bc he wanted me to be seen by obgyn within 2 days. I chose to go home. it was after midnight. I asked for scrubs to go home in and thankfully got some.

my ultrasound showed my right ovary was fine, no torsion,cyst etc. then "suboptimal view of left ovary due to secondary location"

sorry What. also my uterus is LARGE and my endometrium is thickened to 11mm AND THATS AFTER 7 MONTHS OF BLEEDING THAT i KEPT GETTING TOLD WAS My UTERINE LINING THINNING OUT BC THATS THE IUD'S JOB

all I can think is endo/adenomyosis/cancer.

so I'm getting this thing (the iud) taken out. I want my hormones checked. and the dr im seeing already said i can get a hysterectomy or my tubes tied or whatever. and I can't stop thinking of my aunt who died of ovarian cancer bc they failed to catch it in time despite her going to doctors constantly with symptoms.

I'm really scared,actually. my history of medical trauma is on hyperdrive. I feel like I'm failing my kid. I'm not capable of being the mom I want to be. I feel betrayed and sabotaged by my body again. I also can't think straight whatsoever so I could be misunderstanding the meanings of things.

just don't kill me you piece of shit meatsack. not now that I've been trying to actually stay alive.

[caintooth]

Okay this is a little weird but I have a DID question.

I had a friend in high school who claimed to have DID. I met several alleged alters and she really would change a lot between personalities, even seeming stronger, having a higher body temp, and having different handwriting as certain alters. She also definitely had a real, terrible childhood that I could see causing her to split off an alter for protection. At the time I was about 80% convinced.

It's been years and we're still good friends, but she hasn't mentioned any alters since high school, and she has also not mentioned being able to integrate some or all of her alters, even tho we talk about mental health often. I haven't seen her be (or at least I haven't noticed her being) any of the alters I would recognize from high school. But I also used to spend almost every day with her and now I go weeks or months without hanging out with her so my sample size is smaller.

Starting a few months after I stopped seeing her every day I started to become more skeptical of her claim to have DID, because it felt a bit too much like a movie to me at the time. Sometimes I could request time with a specific alter and they would show up, but sometimes they wouldn't. It didn't seem like she was someone else without willing it, very often if ever. She had like 3 main alters when she told me about it - a protector, a little kid, and one more I can't remember and didn't see often - and she allegedly acquired a cat alter sometime after that.

I'm split about it now. I believed her for the most part at the time, because she really did seem different, but I also knew that was the kind of thing high schoolers sometimes lie about so I was always mildly suspicious. Now looking back I feel bad doubting her because if she was telling the truth, it would probably really hurt her to know I doubted her. But also that is the kind of thing high schoolers sometimes lie about! I had other friends lie about similar shit. And I haven't seen any evidence in so long and it hasn't come up in just as long.

I've always wanted to ask her about it but I don't want to embarrass her or harm our friendship which is still strong despite this question lol. I know you're not a doctor and it can be dangerous to speculate, but I just wondered what your perspective as someone with DID is?

This is such a strange thing to anonymously ask a stranger.

Are you hoping I’ll tell you she was faking? Are you hoping I’ll validate your assumptions about her inner life? What you have described is incredibly textbook for DID.

To help you understand, let me explain that Dissociative Identity Disorder presents in two ways, typically: overtly, or covertly.

An “overt” presentation is as you were describing her high school presentation— the disorder is easier to see as an outside viewer, because an “overt” presenter has (comparatively) more visible switches between alters, with (comparatively) more noticeable differences between their abilities, voices, interests, personalities, mannerisms, etc.

And so, a “covert” presentation is the opposite of this, where the disorder is not very obvious to an outside viewer at all. Switches may seem seamless, or they may seem to not switch at all. Alters do not have as many outwardly visible differences, may have similar or same voices and mannerisms, may not speak openly about their differing opinions or likes/dislikes.

DID is a disorders which forms, as you acknowledge, to protect the haver from trauma. And because the disorder is trying to protect you, it can shift between “overt” to “covert” presentation as needed.

A system may present more overtly, for example, if some alters are better emotionally or physically equipped for a task than others, if some alters are more likely to be treated in the way the system most needs at the time, if some alters have stronger interests and knowledge about a certain subject, etc. And many systems, myself included, find themselves presenting more overtly simply when they are safe and comfortable with the people around them!

In contrast, then, a system may present more covertly when it is not safe to have visible differences, and/or to help disguise the system as one person. Alters may mimic each other to help keep their differences from putting them in danger, and this can happen so discreetly that the system themself may not even be aware of switching when it happens. This being said, systems can also present covertly just because super visible differences are not needed to keep them safe / if being outwardly visibly different from one another doesn’t serve as much of a purpose as being inwardly different.

Systems can also move between these modes for other reasons besides safety and comfort, but as far as I know, those are the main two reasons. And I want to clarify that this move isn’t, most of the time, a conscious choice. The disorder kinda decides for you.

So, if your friend who once presented very overtly around you and spoke of their DID often, is now showing a much more covert presentation and not sharing details of their disorder with you… I have two guesses.

One, your friend may simply be in a different phase of their life, where they don’t feel the need to share many details of their DID with you. People can decide to be more private about things they were once open about, and there’s nothing wrong or suspicious about that.

Two… Your friend is presenting covertly around you for comfort and safety reasons. Maybe they no longer consider you a person they can openly be themselves around.

You might want to reflect on why either of these reasons might be the case. I am not going to tell you your friend is faking. Everything you described is very typical of DID and, again, I think it is very strange you would come into my ask box seeking my opinion on this, as if you assume I, and very good friends of mine, have not presented in similar ways throughout different points in our lives.

Have you considered, I don’t know— just asking about how her headmates have been doing lately? This is indeed a very weird way to handle your feelings about this.

[cloverslovelygarden]

1. I have chronic migraines, irregular menstrual issues and hyperacusis. (All obviously physical)

2. The menstrual stuff has gone on since I got my first one and the chronic migraines happened about 4 years ago, hyperacusis is new to me though as it has only been here for half a year!

3. I dont really have any specific meds yet but I use regular painkillers like Nexproxin and Ibuprofen. (When a migraine is present I use maxalt.)

4. Alot of my friends and family have mental disabilities but I think I only know maybe one other person who had migraines like me in my family and she only had hers once a year. (So not really many like mine.)

5. Yes, I do. If my menstrual issues are acting up really bad then I will get a migraine (which is usually) but it doesn't happen vice versa. My hyperacusis can cause very bad migraines and a slight headache can cause my hyperacusis to become just the slightest bit more sensitive which gives me a bigger headache.

6. Almost nothing but there is a very slim chance that when you tell people they will be incredibly aware of it and make sure they don't to anything to make it worse/happen.

7. Honestly I wish people talked about how common disabilities are and also how its not something to be afraid of. Whether it be mental or physical its a challenge nonetheless and your should talk to a doctor or a trusted loved one about it. I also wish educators would talk about periods more. Especially menstrual isses or irregularities.

8. I dont think they affect my gender or sexuality but they definitely effect my hobbies. I cant do sports because I always get a headache from the heat and end up throwing up and Ive even stopping some of my more complex hobbies like candle making because of the stress and low energy from my migraines.

9. I usually say juice or just energy. Like for example, "My juices are running low, I need to lay down."

10. I talked to my doctor and she understood and wrote me a note for all of my classes of something along the lines of, "They need to drink lots of water so make sure they get extra bathroom passes if needed. When having a migraine take student into a dark, quiet room until migraine it dampened or gone." and she even used the exactly words, "Sometimes absences are inevitable." Which was really cool. I also use earbuds or noise cancelling headphones when I have bad noise sensitivity and sometimes and ice pack or cold wet rag for my head to help.

11. The need for quiteness /j but on a real note probably the ban on noise canceling headphones in school to be lifted. I know people who just like to use them that don't have the common sense to take them off when instructed which is taking some resources away from disabled people which is incredibly annoying.

12. A lot of people don't know that my migraines can cause excessive dizziness or tiredness so they don't understand why I can't do anything with a migraine "just because your head hurts."

13. Its a strong tie between, "Well you don't look sick." and "Well youre speaking okay, you don't sound bad." (Its not being sick Karen, I'm not going to have a raspy voice from a headache, also I've dealt with migraine long enough to look my lowest constantly.)

14. No, actually. I've had almost no moments where I've thought, "I have the same struggles as you!" or "I can relate to you because we go through some of the same things." (I mean my OBGYN totally understood my problems but I do not know her very well so I didn't really see it as a community moment.)

15. What disability pride month means to me is being able to talk about my disabilities and share with others so that other people could possibly get the help they need. I like sharing my stories to bring light onto hardly talked about situations like menstrual irregularities in children and teens and how to help someone with a migraine or dizzy spell. It also allows me to show how I can talk about disabilities without feeling embarrassed or alienated so it gives confidence to others who may feel strange to talk about them.

16. Happy disability pride month, drink lots of water or re-hydrating sports drink. Eat balanced meals if you can and do not feel forced to eat 3 meals a day if you feel like you cant eat but don't starve yourself either!! And also tell people about disability pride month, spread the word and share your stories!!!

disability pride ask game

I'm so sleepy but I have persisted anyway bc i am so brave

feel free to reblog, try and send an ask to the person you're reblogging from so the game doesn't die, and absolutely never be pressured to answer anything that feels too personal--this is about/inspiration for what you Want to share about disability and experiences being disabled, not what you feel like you have to! (also: this ask game is PRO SELF DX.)

what disability/ies do you have? (and are they mental, physical, or both?)

how long have you known you're disabled? does that match up with diagnosis?

what, if any, disability aids do you use? (mobility aids, sensory aids, braces, communicative devices, IVs, etc. meds also count here). do you customize them/their containers/outsides?

do you know any disabled people irl? what about online?

if you have multiple disabilities: do they affect each other? how?

what's something good that's come out of being disabled?

what's a struggle you wish more people talked about?

does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your identity? (gender, queerness, culture, even hobbies/life goals you're very passionate about)

how do you measure your energy? (spoons, battery, something else?)

whats something youve come up with or integrated into your life that makes disability easier, besides typical aids?

how would you label your support needs?

what's something (a struggle, a symptom, a weird phenomenon, or even a funny experience) people don't realize about your disability?

whats the most Abled Person Thing someone has said to you?

has there ever been a time where you felt solidarity/community with another disabled person in a situation with you?

what does disability pride mean to you?

free space to talk about whatever disability issue or experience you want !

[maneskings]

fresh and low quality but this is it! my homage to the five people who have been my harbor in the worst storm.

if you wanna find out what happened keep reading under the cut but you need to know that:

- tw: mentions of disease, blood, hospitals and surely a lot of stuff that can be triggering but i can't identify as it.

- you can find it disgusting and a story not necessary to tell publicly, but i feel like doing it and it's my blog so fuck you :)

- i'm not looking for condescension or anything like that. i just want to pour my head out.

so i've said it briefly many times but last year was the worst of my life. we started the year with a tearing news: my dad has leukemia and needs a donor.

that's how the process begin: my sister and i had a lot of testing done to find out who was going to be his donor. we went like 3/4 times to the hospital: blood tests, veins tests, resonances, etc. they finally decided that my sister would fit better so i thought they were done with me.

but a few days later i received a call saying that they've realized my sister couldn't be the donor because of an incompatibility thingy. so i had to take again the same tests i had taken a couple weeks ago.

after everything, i had to start medicating in order to produce more mother cells than the human body does on a regular basis. i started the treatment (basically two jabs a day) half an hour before Eurovision final. that's when maneskin enters in my life - i usually follow all the ESC season but last year was completely impossible.

anyway i was under treatment for four days and the result was a lot of back pain and side effects like mood changes, hair loss, etc.

the day of the donation arrived and it was definitely the day i went through the worst pain of my life. long story short: got two veins broken and i had to undergo a minor (haha) surgery to be able to donate through a catheterization on my leg.

but that's not the end of the story. the transplant went wrong and after a month of waiting for the results, it was rejected so the process had to begin AGAIN and we couldn't lose any time.

i remember the doctors telling me i could chicken out and it would be understandable. they would support me no matter what. but what the hell??? it was my dad's life. by that time, he and my mum had spent two months locked in a hospital room not being able to go out even to the aisle.

so in two weeks i got the treatment done again (this time much more strong). i remember how the night before the donation i got up from bed to close a window and almost fell off the floor because all of the back pain i was suffering.

second donation was much more better than the first one but it doesn't erase all the mental pressure and physical pain i suffered from both donations + being home alone + uncertainity + bad news almost every fucking day.

but this time it worked. my dad was very weak by that time and took him a month to show signs of recovery. he and my mom came home a day before my birthday.

by now he's still recovering at home and i'm proud as hell of him and my family.

if you're still reading you may ask "what then hell does this connect with the tattoo?". well, måneskin played a huge part in those months. their music, videos, performances, etc., kept me entertained while my world was crumbling. this is a homage to l'altra dimensione but this sentence reminds me how to life have its ups and downs, embracing any tiny bit of happiness that can come along the way and if you get tired from gray days, you can always fare le valiglie e scappare.

that's where the handwriting of the sentence becomes important. it's made by my favourite author: juan gómez-jurado. his books and podcasts were a door to another world where i could spend hours and forget pain. also he's one of the kindest humans i know, gifting me with a couple books i lacked and being super caring.

that's all of it. thank you for reading 🖤

[chao-writes-stuff]

DELTARUNE SPOILERS

Heyyy! I wrote a thing involving Jevil and the Chapter 2 Superboss! I'm going to put it under the cut, but at the end, there will also be an Ao3 link if you wanna support me there!

Thank you! Remember to Reblog if you wanna

The Lightner Trio walked down the stairs in the Queen's massive manor, their hurried footsteps echoing like a rough pitter-patter in the technological nightmare. The massive lair confused and bamboozled them, but they definitely wanted to figure out the mystery behind what the Fountains were about, what Queen's true intentions were… and what was in the basement?

"Uhh… Kris?" Ralsei asked, his soft voice echoing out. "Why are we even here? Aren't Queen, Noelle, and Berdly upstairs? And not here…?"

Susie quickly interrupted him, punching his arm lightly to get his attention. "Of COURSE they aren't here. But whatever is here is probably important. Right, Kris?"

"I guess!" The currently blue human replied. "I've been asked by some… guy, about doing these weird favors for him. He really wants me to be alone."

"We sure he ain't a p-" Before Susie could finish her thought, Ralsei muffled her mouth with his scarf. "Who is he? And why does he want you to be alone?"

"His name is Spamton, I think. I don't know much about him, but he gave me this Loaded Disk earlier, and--"

Suddenly, a strange, chaotic voice rang out. Everyone recognized it. The tail attached to Ralsei's cloak popped off, diamonds and hearts flying out with it. The tail spun and took form, and the chaotic Jester they quite literally put to rest yesterday was reawakened.

"Spamton? SPAMTON? The same Spamton who wished for me to go, to go, and be free, free?" Jevil laughed chaotically, with Ralsei caught quite off guard. "You know him?"

"That dorito chip was part of the reason why I was set free, he was! He used to rule this world, before the Queen I've been hearing oh so much about took over. Oh, I MUST know more of how you met that ridiculous lunatic! And that's coming from ME, ME! Spamton, oh Spamton, I'd like to have a word with him~!" Jevil looked quite pissed off, his normally jovial expression looking slightly stern.

"I didn't wanna go down there anyway. Just come back, okay? You're kind of carrying us with your defense boost." Kris, with a neutral expression, gave the clown the disk they were gifted by the malignant salesman, and watched as Jevil immediately sprinted off into the basement. They could hear an echoed "Buh bye~! I'll be back in a few hundred words!" As the jester descended into the decrepit basement below...

Jevil entered the musty, rotting cellar. Despite him rarely stepping on the ground, each step he did take left a haunting impact on his feet. It was silent, save for the occasional rustling of his clothes. He didn't have long to do this. His physical form only had a few hours to be out and about before he solidified, just like the young boy and the puzzle freak. Thankfully, that's all he needed. He was getting excited, almost giddy, to interact once more with his old acquaintance. Oh, what a wonderful conversation they'd have!

He didn't walk for too much longer before he found the train station that was buried deep below. Or was it a roller coaster? Whoever had this built clearly had some elaborate roundabout in mind… too bad they were still imprisoned, haha! Jevil walked and floated across the tracks, reaching a room with a decaying robot inside.

He knew this was a bad idea. But when did he ever have good ideas?

Without hesitating, the joker put the disk into the robot. At first, nothing happened, and he was getting impatient VERY quick. He gave the robot a swift kick in the lower area, before stepping back out of the room.

Step…

Step…

SLAM! The clown was admittedly caught off guard with how fast the silhouette from above came and pushed him onto his knees. With a small gasp for air, Jevil looked up slowly at the encroaching menace. The jagged movements, the glitchy, unsolidified form… this was him alright.

"KRIS… MY LOYAL [Sponge!] THANK… YOU. THE [Clown Around Town!] I REMEMBER YOUR [Disgusting] FACE. EVERYONE WAS SO [Thrilled] TO SEE YOUR [Calcified] FACE." The massive robotic behemoth loomed over Jevil, rage in his glasses. Spamton NEO.

The clown got up, a smug, shitfaced expression on his mug. He knew damn well that the dorito in front of him was pissed off, so he leaned back in the air to retort. "At least I drink plenty of milk, uee hee hee! As for you, you haven't changed one bit since we last spoke~! Or would it be a byte, a byte? Regardless, I do hope you've given up on the illusion of freedom, freedom~! The only one who can be free is MEEE!"

The robotic menace swung around to the other side of Jevil, making it very clear who was in charge of the conversation. A small concentrated blast of Pipis was fired at the jester, pushing him back with a surprising amount of force. "YOU ACT SMUG, BUT YOU [Crashed our stocks!] AND THEN YOU [Spoiled relations with our Esteemed Partners!] I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU… GOT IN HERE, YOU… [Tuna Fish,] BUT I'M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR [Roundabout!] AGAIN!"

Jevil laughed maniacally at this thought. This guy was mad! Over something that happened how long ago? Why even bother holding a grudge still? Petty, petty! He knew why, and it's why he came back too. "You influenced him. That pretty little kitty. You gave him enough funds to release me into that carousel of bliss and innocence! But I wasn't done, not one bit! And all those years, spent being free… they made me realize something, my dearest Spamton."

The oddly calm tone coming from the jester put Spamton NEO at an incredible amount of unease. "WHAT? WHAT COULD YOUR [Calcified Lump] THINK OF THAT WOULD MEAN ANY GODDAMN THING TO ME?"

"I CAN DO ANYTHING!"

The joker used his latent power to pelt the giant mecha with small white hearts. Spamton was caught off-guard, stumbling back a fair amount. Of course, you have to fight fire with fire, so the robot used his abilities to send out a Big Shot of blue Spamton Head Pipis.

"YOU [Saturated Marketshare!] YOU CAN'T SIMPLY ATTACK ME AND EXPECT IT TO WORK [As seen on TV!] I'M A [BIG SHOT!] [BIG SHOT!!!]"

Jevil hopped up onto the ceiling, clearing the first few Pipis on the lower row heading his way. Unfortunately, the higher row caught him clean in the face as he bounced between the two, making a small Jack-in-the-box melody as he pinged around.

"SPAMTON, MY BELOATHED! I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND, UNDERSTAND, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE TRAPPED IN A CAGE WITH A SHARK, A SHARK! YOU GET BITTEN AND CHEWED UP!"

The fool retaliated by running circles around Spamton, turning into a carousel of horse bullets! The robot, in a surprising feat of puppeteering, dodged the attack almost perfectly… until a stray horsie cut a string, sending the mech's right arm into the horse race. One thing about arms with cannons on them? They fire.

As soon as it happened, Jevil was face to face with a swarm of Pipis all around him. He was stuck. All of them exploded brilliantly, sending the clown flying clean across the rotting tracks and into the wall. Tauntingly, mockingly even, Spamton NEO retorted.

"I'M THE SHARK NOW, JEVIL! I'VE CHEWED UP SO MANY [Failed Buisness Partners] THAT I COULD MAKE A WHOLE [Presentation] OUT OF THEM! STAY OUT OF MY GODDAMN WAY, OR [Sparkle like new!] YOU BRAT."

The buisnessman charged at Jevil, his hands becoming phones. "IT'S FOR YOU." Suddenly, before either of them could react, loud blasts of garbage noise manifest expelled from the phones, attacking the court jester with white blasts of energy. There was nothing he could do to stop this robot's onslaught, it looked like.

"OH SPAMTON, IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? THAT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S SO POWERFUL RIGHT NOW, NOW? I'D SUGGEST YOU LOOK UP, UP! YOU'RE NOTHING WITHOUT THOSE STRINGS IMPRISONING YOU, UEE HEE HEE! YOU'RE NOT A BIG SHOT, YOU'RE JUST A LAZY FRAUD WHO CAN'T STOP HANGING ON TO HIM! I GUESS SLEEPING FOR 100 YEARS DOESN'T MAKE LITTLE OLD ME MISS MUCH, RIGHT?"

Without warning, Jevil was myseriously gone from his corner. The spamware looked frantically for his target, before being struck in the arm, the leg, and the chest by scythes. Devilsknives. The last knive cut a few strings clean off the puppet, who briefly hit the ground before rising back up.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! [Hyperlink Blocked.] I'M STILL HIS LOYAL ASSOCIATE! HE MAY NOT HAVE TALKED TO ME IN [Employee of The Month for 144 months!] BUT HE'S STILL THERE…"

Jevil interrupted him cleanly and concisely. "FACE IT. YOU'RE NO BIG SHOT ANYMORE, SPAMTON G. SPAMTON. ALL YOU ARE IS A FAILED INVESTMENT, UEE HEE HEE!"

With those words, a purple blast came from behind the clown, striking the robot right in the noggin. He flew back a bit, giving the joker enough time to turn around to meet his esteemed guests.

"Ah, my imprisoners~! Didn't you guys have a Queen to rock-em sock-em?"

Susie immediately cut him off, as she punched him in the arm (causing his head to spring up, naturally.) "Well, Kris over here couldn't shake the feeling things were off. So they forced us down here, and now they're right. Somehow?"

"I know I'm right.. Jevil, who the hell is Spamton?" Kris replied, their worry about the situation starting to rise.

"It's of no concern to you~! His screws were almost as loose as mine, and I don't think it's my job to tighten them~! Uee hee hee! Thank you for the help, but I can do anything~! Even tell you guys that 3 coasters are about to come down and force you guys along for the ride~!"

Ralsei immediately stuttered something out. "Three… what?"

And just like that, with a loud rumbling, the heroes were swept up into 3 old, rusty carts, barrelling down the track. Jevil laughed to himself, proud of what he got to do. "Ah well, it's a shame I can't finish him personally…"

"But oh well! Are you proud, proud? They took care of him…"

"Doctor."

Ao3 Link!

[crazy-loca-blog]

Casey Valentine: About Her Future

A/N: This has been one hell of a ride! Talking about Casey and her life has been an amazing experience. There are many situations about her future that I haven't figured out yet, that's why I'm keeping things in a very limited timeframe (around 2 and maybe 3 years after the end of her residency). Thanks a lot to @openheartfanfics for organizing this event. I've had a blast!

Meet My MC || About Her Past || About Her Present

Casey has been leading the diagnostics team for over two years now. And things have changed a lot.

As soon as she assumed her new role, she was determined to make the team the core of a system that also involves the rest of the departments at Edenbrook. And she uses her friends for it.

Casey, Ines and Jackie are implementing a special program to evaluate interns and residents in order to discover outstanding doctors that may support the diagnostics team and other areas in the hospital after their boards. It follows a lot of the guidelines that Ethan used when they were interns, but it also gives selected residents an opportunity to assist the diagnostics team in some cases in order to improve their skills.

Elijah and Zaid became her go-to people when it comes to studies and reseach, especially in those cases where experimental treatments are the only option for patients.

Sienna quickly became a team favorite. As the best pediatrician at Edenbrook, every time the team receives a pediatric case, she is involved in the course of treatment of the patient. Casey is considering to offer her a permanent spot in the team.

Bryce's research skills when it comes to evaluate surgical options for patients are brilliant, so he frequently helps Harper by giving her second opinions on certain procedures. He also covers for her as member of the diagnostics team every time she's on leave.

When a patient needs rehab after some surgery, Rafael is the one in charge of the process. The results his patients achieve in their recovery are proof that he has all the profesionalism, the patience and the work ethics the team needs in their collaborators.

As per Baz and Ethan, Casey convinced them to keep collaborating with the team on an ocassional basis. They are one of the best immunologists and the best diagnostician in the country, so she needs their brains in her team, even if it's not permanently. They assist in the hardest and most enigmatic cases.

Despite all their efforts, the team can't accept every case they receive. And that's when Kenmore help is appreciated. A year ago, Tobias, Casey and Aurora developed a collaboration project between the diagnostics teams of both hospitals, which now allows both Edenbrook and Kenmore to help twice the amount of people they used to assist when they worked separately.

Of course, none of this would be possible without Ethan's help. As Chief of Medicine, he has the power to approve most of Casey's projects, so he's been making a very good use of a position that he wasn't convinced to accept at first. It's definitely been a win-win situation when it comes to team work between Dr. Ramsey and Dr. Valentine.

Despite of them being very private when it comes to their personal lives, there is no doubt that Casey and Ethan are relationship goals. If seeing them working together in the past was a delight, the way they've been ruling Edenbrook after becoming official has certainly helped them become the power couple the hospital needed.

Because you can definitely tell they're not only great partners, but also each other's best friend. Their nonverbal communication skills are at a whole different level and they certainly boost each other in a way you can tell they're the best thing that has ever happened to the other. They're in love and it shows.

That's why no one was surprised when, after 8 months of becoming official, they decided to move in together.

But everybody was surprised when Ethan proposed only a few months afterwards. Except for his dad and her brother (who were the only people who knew about his plans), literally no one saw it coming, not even Casey (because yes, Ethan has mastered the art of surprising her).

They almost canceled the wedding... twice. The stress of their jobs plus the chaos that involves planning a wedding was beginning to affect their wellbeing as individuals. It wasn't a big issue for any of them: Casey never cared about having a ring on her finger and they both knew that nothing about their relationship would change if they didn't sign a piece of paper, as they were certain they had sealed the deal a long time ago.

The thought of an elopement also crossed their minds... and right when they were about to do it, Sienna came up with a brilliant idea to save their original plan: a micro wedding, that took place 6 months ago.

These newlyweds like saying they have a family of four: Ethan's dad and Casey's brother are pretty much the only relatives they have, so they consider them part of their household. They even have their own rooms in their new home in Boston!

They'd both agree that getting used to wear a ring has probably been the hardest part of their marriage, even when they cared about buying bands that were "compatible" with their jobs. But they are pretty sure that if they take it off, they'll end up losing it, so they kind of gave up. They expect to get used to it over time.

When they're not at work, they love exploring all the hidden gems that Boston has to offer. They've found a bunch of great places thanks to Rafael's recommendations, but they have also discovered a lot of new places by themselves. That doesn't mean they don't enjoy a good date at home after an exhausting day at work or getting lost and disconnecting from the world for a full weekend without telling anyone where they are.

This philosophy of discovering new places also applies to their holidays. Sometimes they'd go to well-known places, but they both agree that their favorite trips are those where they visit underrated destinations. Of course, they also leave a few days to visit Alan in Providence and to go to Casey's home in Virginia.

Kids? They have talked about it, but they don't feel ready to take that step yet. Not only their jobs are very demanding, they both have some baggage they need to get rid of before thinking about becoming parents. They're not in a hurry though, they're convinced that everything happens for a reason... they are happy, and that's all that matters.

She may not live with them anymore, but the roomies (and the rest of the gang) are still incredibly close. Casey still has lunch with whoever is available almost every day, and they still have a booth with their names on it at Donahue's.

When Casey moved in with Ethan, they didn't search for a new roomie. With the exception of Sienna, they all were attendings, so it was easier for them fo afford Casey's part ot the rent. They decided to turn her room into an office they all use a lot.

And none of them has the intention to leave their apartment any time soon. Housing in Boston is incredibly expensive, and they know none of them could afford a place like the one they have by themselves. This also gives them a chance to get rid of their med school debt a little faster.

Jackie, Aurora, Sienna and Casey also host a "girls just want to have fun" event at the apartment whenever Elijah visits his parents. It's a bonding tradition they started during their residency and they have no intention to finish any time soon. Sometimes, Kyra (when she is in town), Ines and Angie join them as well.

Bryce is the person she relies on when she needs a brotherly figure. She can definitely see a lot of her brother on him, and he always seem to have the right answer to everything. He also had to get a bigger place, as Keiki returned to Boston after being accepted at Harvard. Casey and Jackie guided her to attend med school... and convinced her to become a diagnostician.

The gang never knows when Kyra is going to make some surprise visit. She's been travelling around the world for a long time now, but she's been back home a few times for special ocasions. The last time they saw her was for Casey and Ethan's wedding.

Sienna and Casey have been exchanging recipes for a while now. Casey can cook to survive, but Ethan takes cooking to a whole new level, so Sienna usually comes to the rescue when her bestie needs help.

Casey is also playing matchmaker between Sienna and Rafael. She has been observing the way they look at each other for a while, and she's convinced they would make the cutest couple ever. Because beautiful souls deserve to be together. So yeah, she most definitely will introduce Sienna and Rafael's vovo very soon with some "help me cook dinner" excuse.

Tags: @adiehardfan @izzyourresidentlawyer

[justinsdaysinthedark]

Post # 6 - It is what it is

I'd be lying if I said I haven't spent the past half an hour with tears flowing from my eyes staring at a blank screen wondering how I'm going to get everything I've got floating in my head out. I suppose listening to Coldplay live in Argentina probably wasn't the best choice of music to set the mood. I'll work on that one in the future...

Where do I start? It's been a question I'm often asking myself at the start of these blog posts and it's certainly not the easiest one. What do you guys know? There's been so much happen since my last post on Thursday night.

Friday July 26th: I saw my doctors around lunchtime who came in quite concerned. Whilst they were confident my lymphoma was one called DLBCL (Diffuse Large B- Cell Lymphoma), some tests had come back with suspect results that it could be a more aggressive and harsh type of lymphoma called Burkitt's lymphoma and if confirmed, chemo was starting that night with no time to waste. There was also one marked in the middle (a cross of the two) called Burkitt's Like Lymphoma which is treated similarly to DLBCL. Whatever it was, I couldn't change it. I just wanted answers and if treatment needed to start, let's get it underway!

Adam, my incredible haematology doctor sent off another test of my gall bladder to finally get the confirmation I was after. It was urgent. He had to know. It was reassuring of Adam to state "Justin, we need to know what this is. Preliminary results are due back later this afternoon and that will hopefully rule out Burkitt's. if it is Burkitt's, we'll start chemo tonight and I'll be with you every step of the way - even if I have to stay back a few hours."

I know doctors earn a fair coin on a lazy day, but how many give you that much confidence that you and your health is important to them? I'm going to have it a guess and say not many but alas, I am so incredibly lucky with the team of doctors I have.

4:00pm and Adam strolls in the door heading straight for my room. My heart drops, similarly to what it had when Michael dropped the news I had lymphoma. "Good news. Preliminary results are back and we're confident it's not Burkitt's. You can't rule out anything in life, so there still is a small chance it could be. We're happy to wait for the final results on Monday, figure out a treatment plan from there and start Chemotherapy next week. Spend Saturday and Sunday on day leave and I'll see you next week."

This was news to my ears. In a time of what has been negative or no news, I could spend the weekend with family relatively freely and forget everything was happening for a few hours each day. My Uncle Bob and Aunty Denise were down from Tasmania to see me, as was my Aunty AJ and cousins from Bairnsdale so it all felt like it fit into place.

Friday night saw me considerably more relaxed with this news...that was until Collingwood started and it was the demolition it was. Slightly humorous side note, the nurse came in around 9pm for my nightly observations. Naturally, my heart rate was up a bit more than normal watching the football (118BPM - normally between 70-85BPM). This caused the nurse to call in the team of doctors who wanted to put me on an ECG machine for the night and monitor my heart. I assured them it was because Collingwood were on and if they gave me an hour, I'd be okay. It took some convincing, but it finally worked. Back they came an hour later and it had gone down - crisis averted.

Saturday afternoon and evening was wonderful. I went down to dads for dinner and was fortunate enough to spend some much needed time with family over a beautiful dinner and good laugh.

Sunday was much the same. I went home, mum did a fair chunk of washing for me as I spent it being me. Seeing Courtney, napping in my own bed and even headed over to Fountain Gate and got some much needed new clothes and other miscellaneous items - something that seems so simple but is such a luxury when you've spent the past 15 days in hospital.

Monday July 29th: They say the more you think positively, the more positive news you shall receive....or it goes something like that right? I woke up this morning the most upbeat and best I'd felt in weeks. I felt fine. I felt no pain, almost like I'd woken up from a shitty hotel! In all honesty, I felt like I'm abusing the system however I keep being quickly reminded how much I need to be here. Did I wake up so positive because I lived my old life for 16 hours over the weekend? Is it because I was hoping to hear a reasonably positive outcome with this lymphoma test? Probably a mix of both if I'm honest. But whatever it was, I was hopeful.

Adam came around at roughly 10:00am. Didn't really have much for me in terms of news but more of an outline of the day. If they hear the results of the test they were waiting on, they'd write me up a treatment plan ASAP and get chemo started this afternoon. At worst, I'd be starting it tomorrow (Tuesday). They just needed that definitive answer of what type of lymphoma I have - an answer I'd love more than anybody.

Either way, we agreed i'd need a PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) line in which basically is a long-term cannula. It runs from the inside of my arm right up and around and stops basically just outside my heart. This is for easy access for the chemotherapy and even an easy exit for blood tests - something that's proven incredibly difficult to take from me over the past few days. Additionally, these lines can last up to six months verses the three days you get from a cannula. There were too many positives to say no to!

This wasn't scheduled for any time in particular, so 1:00pm came around and I was about to be taken to get the PICC line in.

Just as I was about to leave, Adam came in with a few words I'm all too familiar with. "Well, the pathology tests we were waiting on have come back inconclusive..."

Woah. Wait. What? How do tests of my gall bladder that was removed six days ago come back inconclusive? How does one of the main sources not have enough 'data' to tell them what sort of lymphoma I have? I was just stunned.

Adam continued "As a result, we can see some signs of Burkitt's lymphoma and that's what we're going to treat you for. You're young. You should be able to handle it and it's better to over treat you than under treat and be stuck where we are at the moment. It's an intense 16-day chemo treatment that will totally wipe out your red and white blood cells as well as your platelets. We foresee you being in here for another 3-5 weeks, depending on how well your body goes getting these levels back up to normal post this first treatment..."

I honestly say this but that's all I remember from this conversation. I was hoping I'd be heading home this week but looks like that definitely won't be happening. Today marks day 40 of the past 55 days in hospital (day 15 of this stint) and if I go off the longest suggested time expected, I have another 35 days to go. That honestly crushed me.

I got taken down to get my PICC line in - quite an easy process. Very similar to putting in a larger cannula, just a whole lot longer and uses local anaesthetic as well as being guided by an ultrasound and X-ray. I'm lucky enough to have two ports, which will hopefully speed up some of my medication and how much they can pump in. Does it feel weird? The only weird part was feeling it slide down past and near my heart - but that's okay now!

By the time I return, dad made his was in to try and help process the news. We get Adam in to once again explain the process. In layman's terms, I'll be starting an intense and high-dose 16-day chemotherapy program kicking off tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. Most of the time across the next 16 days, I'll be hooked up via IV drip getting whatever medication is required. I think I saw I have rest days on days 7 & 8 which I suppose will give me two days to look forward to. At the end of the day, it's something I'm not certain on and will be a day by day process and constant learning about what's going into my body to help fight with me.

I do have one request for you all. With my body not producing red or white blood cells or platelets over the next few weeks, I do request if you are planning to visit however are sick to stay away those extra few days. With my immune system going to be at the lowest it's been, I don't particularly want to pick up something I don't need. Additionally, as much as I'd love flowers, they're also banned due to the infection risk of the spores mixing with the chemotherapy and causing some dangerous damage from the inside.

At the end of the day, if you're not sure please message me and check as I'm not entirely sure myself about everything. I'm constantly learning as I'm going.

How am I feeling? I'm nervous. I'm nervous at the unknown. How will this affect me? How bad am I going to feel? Will I lose my hair? What will my energy levels be like? In advance, I do apologise if over the next few weeks I'm not myself. Truth be told, that's because I probably won't be.

In a way, i'm finally excited to start my treatment first thing tomorrow morning (after yet ANOTHER lumbar puncture). I was so envious of both people next to me getting their first rounds of chemo today. I know mine will be intense but I just can't wait.

I've learnt so much about cancer and chemotherapy over the past four days and I know there's so much more to learn. Today I learnt I'll be incredibly highly cytotoxic, which basically means all needles and anything used on me need to go in a separate bin just for me. Additionally, I'll have to get used to the good old double flush after the toilet to ensure all waste is disposed of. Mouth ulcers are a big issue with most chemo patients as well. I'll have to start brushing my teeth after every meal and taking a special mouthwash 3x daily to assist with keeping these under control. There's plenty of other little things, but they're two I least expected.

Everything really hit me last night....not like it did tonight though. I just had twenty minutes to reflect and it just became a sudden realisation. What I'm going through is real. It's not a 'joke' anymore. It's not something they're looking at as a potential cause. It is the cause. I have a legitimate medical issue and it's finally time to fight lymphoma. All well and good to be talking the talk like I have been - it's now time to walk the walk. This sits well with me. If I give somebody my word, I do whatever I can to get it achieved. Unfortunately for the lymphoma throughout my body I've given it my word and it's time to fight it. Round one begins tomorrow morning.

I leave tonight feeling a whole lot better than I did when I started tonight's post. I didn't learn from my words earlier as Coldplay live from Argentina is still playing however I'm in a much more comfortable mind space.

My best friend of a lazy 20 years, Dylan visited tonight with his partner, Jacqui. One phrase popped up more than most and they made me aware it was a common phrase coming out of my mouth.

"It is what it is."

I can't control what's happened to me as "it is what it is." What I can control from here though is how I fight lymphoma. Thanks for the visit tonight guys, I appreciated the two hours spent here in what's been an incredibly tough afternoon.

Much love.

Juzz xx

[tooktoolongtogetthis97]

Personal Shit that You Don't Have to Read

What's the point anymore?

Everytime I try to make something go right or even just try to do something, I either fuck it up or just get further behind which just makes me more and more depressed/mentally ill.

I'm so far behind in my classes, feel like I'm a shitty teacher/lifeguard/friend, and have no motivation or energy to fix it as much as I may want to.

I was supposed to submit a project which I've barely started on Friday and just missing assignments for my classes. I'd be surprised if I don't fail a class this semester. Most people know but I'm student teaching right now and I had to teach a 3 day lesson sequence (actually what that project is) and at the end I had to give a quiz which the class average was a 67 which in the district I'm teaching in is just a F (70 is a D) which means I failed my students. I also had a student write on the top of her quiz that she didn't feel prepared/comfortable taking the quiz about 2 out of the 3 main activities were completely unhelpful (not including our class discussions although I doubt those seem to help her too since she missed questions on the quiz that were learned in the discussions).

When it comes to lifeguarding, I feel like why am I even doing it? Just today at work I didn't quite get a bandage wrap right for a girl who needed it and one of my HGs had to redo it. Sidenote: I was working with 2 of HGs because we are so bloddy understaffed that we have like no regular lifeguards that can work A, B, or C shifts so HGs have work LG shifts if possible or we're just short and stuck on stand for hours. I'm also good at some LG skills but are utter shit with others like stride jumps and back boarding out a passive victim. I know it's why we practice at inservice but it doesn't help me feel like embrassassed when I fuck up. [Inservice is a monthly meeting where we go over what's going on in the facility and skill and also practice skills]. I also tend to go to the first inservice meeting of the month and found out that my supervisour is going to start having sign-ups and if less than 5 people sign-up for one, it's not going to happen. Well twice in the last 3 months, it has only been me and 1 kid who went which means those are going to start being cancelled. Well the issue is that the other meeting is on a Sunday night and I can't do Sunday nights, I have other commitments like I play in my church's handbell choir. It's not fair...

I have been in such a terrible mental state that as caused me to be a shitty friend. I want to help so bad but I can't work through my own shit... I feel terrible that I can't help them properly...

Physically, mentally, and emotionally I've been a fucking disaster. Physically I got sick from my students 2 weeks ago and still stick. I've also been in absolute constant agonizing pain everywhere. Based off of some medical ads I've seen (because they're fucking everywhere), there were some for fibromyalgia and as I kinda relate to the symptoms they were discussing so I looked it up and there is a chance I may have it. Obviously not self diagnosing myself, but it's something I'm definitely concerned about and will have to talk with my doctor with (if I can get myself to call the practice to set up a physical exam appointment that I need anyway). Emotionally I've been much less able to hide my feelings which isn't good because as a teacher and lifeguard, you have to shut that shit up and suppress it when you're working. I tend to suppress everything anyway because I don't want people to worry or just deal with people who don't understand at all trying to help (and making it worse) or telling me to suck it up "because others have it worse" but it getting so much harder. Mentally, I have been super depressed with spikes of anxiety and I can't escape it at all. I think part of my issues are stress and not sleeping (like I'm averaging maybe 5 hours). I'm still taking my medications but it's just bad. I have been selfharming more and more recently. I went through a period where I managed to go on average 45 days, but now I'm lucky if I go a week. I relapsed on Saturday and almost again earlier today. I want to stop but much to my old therapist's surprise, it's not that easy. I also have been struggling with the bombardment of suicidal thoughts mainly late at night keeping me up. It's fucking terrifying. I'm not going to act on them. I actually cut myself to make the thoughts go away.

I want everything to stop. I want to end this suffering. I want something to go right for once... 😔