Pathetic
AO3
Fandom: Soul Eater
Characters: Franken Stein, Spirit Albarn, Marie Mjolnir, Yumi Azusa
Word count: 4 289
Tags: Sickfic, Hiding Medical Issues, Nausea, Dry-Heaving, Vomiting, Hurt No Comfort, Angst and Feels, Heavy Angst, Stuffed Toys, Mentions of Age Regression, Mentions of Violence, Hiding and Illness, Insomnia
Summary: Stein is unable to sleep due to illness which was partly brought on by the madness and worsened by the madness. He attempts to hide his illness and simply go to school like any other day and fails miserably. A hoard of other questionings ensue. This is an exploration of potential affection-starvation and pathetic desires and contemplations, as well as the effects the noise can have on one’s vessel.
Notes: This reminds me of a lyric from an unreleased Marina (formerly known as Marina and the Diamonds) song titled ‘Scab & Plaster’; “If nobody could see, I’d hold my hand out to be held.”
“Argh..”
Stein flung a tired and somewhat heavy arm over his eyes, squinting in avoidance of the influx of morning rays inviting themselves in through the thin cracks of his blinds - or what was truly a dreaded sign that he had no more time to attempt to sleep.
He’d tossed and turned about a thousand times, uncomfortably warm and yet uncomfortably cold, unable to breathe through his nose properly. His body felt more dense and difficult to control, his head swarming with dizziness and a constant, incessant pain. He found himself being forced to repeatedly take deep, long breaths, rubbing the pressure point between the two tendons in his wrist, his stomach randomly churning and aching. He just got that way sometimes.. often as a result of a certain strident volume. And worst of all, he had school in the morning.
“Stein!” Spirit’s grating voice boomed, as he banged his fist against the door, as energized as ever. “Get up!”
“Ugh..” He couldn’t help but groan and whine, though he certainly needed to help it.
‘Suck it up. Stop being such a pathetic sack of shit. You have work to do, go do it.’
His legs folded underneath him as the room spun, the walls mimicking the motion of waves curling and rushing against the beach, as he propelled himself up and off of the bed. It was truly as though he’d drugged himself to oblivion, and was facing the dire consequences of that, though he’d done nothing but wrap himself in his quilt and held his eyelids shut.
He crawled closer to the dancing walls, wobbling as he stood, leaning against and leveraging the cool surface. He could physically feel heat radiating from off of his face, encasing him, so the lower temperature was more than a welcomed, relieving soother.
He’d managed to trudge over to his closet, utilizing the wall as a sort of mobility aid, throwing on what he usually would; grey, baggy pants, and a grey, long-sleeved shirt, each article
having stitches embroidered in their seams.
Once he changed out of his somewhat sweat-soaked pajamas, he allowed himself to hunch over for the duration of his brief walk over to his bedroom door, a painful sensation sending repeated shocks all over and throughout his abdomen, before begrudgingly turning the silver knob and straightening his body.
“Did you sleep any last night?” Spirit’s countenance appeared almost bewildered and horrified at the sight of his disheveled meister, of whom was slowly and unsettlingly emerging from the shadows of the corridor, his eyes fixated on the pallidness of his skin and the rosy hue of his cheeks - not to mention his unkempt and mussed hair. There were tremors in his extremities that he looked to be desperately trying to conceal.
“Why do you ask?” There were tremors in his voice, as well, as he spoke. He shuffled over to the kitchen where Spirit stood, packing his lunch rather distractedly, in order to throw a snack or two in his own lunchbox. Hopefully, he’d make it to lunch. He needed to. He had work and training to drown himself in, he wasn’t a baby. He needed to stop behaving like one. Sure, there were certain reasons he’d felt so horribly and tossed and turned that night, but none of them were serious enough to warrant staying home. Serious enough to bring on and worsen illness? Sure. But that was only because he was weak.
“Well… you look like absolute shit, for one. And you’ve been kinda… off lately. You seem more-“
“I’m fine.”
Stein shoved his lunchbox in his computer bag, throwing the strap over his shoulder haphazardly. He ignored the raised eyebrow he received, instead focusing on not making the aching in his joints as he bent down to tie his shoes too obvious, as well as the violent rolling of his stomach. His limbs were still heavy and cumbersome to maneuver. His body felt weak and weathered and fatigued. He always got that way after… those nights. Just never before to such an excessive degree.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Mhm.”
Talking was no longer possible the longer he held in his coughs and sniffles.
“Okay….” His voice was coated in, dripping with suspicion. “Are you already leaving? Did you even brush your teeth?”
‘I need to cough in peace.’
“Mhm,” Stein rushed out of the door.
He knew he was behaving conspicuously. He knew he was not hiding his illness well. He, too, knew he was being over-dramatic about it. It wasn’t that bad. He was lying to himself. Many had it much worse than he did. He needed to cough into his hand, blow his nose, and get his act together. He shouldn’t let it destroy his functionality. He needed to stop being so weak and pitiful. He was not a baby.
-
If Stein thought that the light peaking in through the blinds was bad, actually stepping outside and rushing through the bustling crowds on the streets had to be the worst thing in the world. On a good day, that level of noise, light, and polite “excuse me’s” left him annoyed and overstimulated. On a bad day, he could truly understand why so many mass shootings had occurred the year prior.
By the time he’d made it up the DWMA’s infamous flight of steps, which were clearly designed by a fellow sadist, he was covering up his wheezing, the agitating eyes of his group of friends and a few other students not leaving his face.
‘For the love of God, can everyone just stop fucking staring at me?’
“Stein?”
He sniffled. He loudly sniffled. He wasn’t supposed to sniffle in front of anyone. Why did his own body have to betray him?
“Stein? Are you okay?”
He didn’t dare look anyone in the eye or in their face, not when he was publicly displaying how weak and vulnerable he was, but by how concerned and somewhat gentle the voice was, he could easily discern that it was Marie who was prodding him for information.
“I’m.. perfectly fine, why do you ask?” The amount of effort it took to muster just a simple response was astounding. He’d commend himself for that, and for somehow, by the grace of Death himself, not having accidentally killed himself whilst walking up those stairs, but given how easy it was for everyone else, he knew he shouldn’t. To be fair, he was sick, but did it matter? No.
“Are you joking?” Azusa snickered, as obnoxious and pompous as usual. “Did you really just ask her why she asked?”
“I did, indeed.” Stein adjusted the strap digging into the skin of his rather bony shoulder, even fiddling with his bangs in a last-ditch effort to make himself appear even somewhat normal and okay.
“Did you look in your mirror this morning? You look dead.”
“Honestly, he’s been looking more and more like a corpse for weeks now.. I’m surprised it took this long,” Spirit remarked, standing beside Stein with a faltering, twitching smile on his face.
“Yeah, I noticed.”
Marie moved closer towards him, her hands outstretching, coming to button up the few buttons he’d apparently missed. Before her nimble, quick, and threatening fingers could reach his shirt, he jerked away, holding his own hands out in defense.
“Don’t touch me,” he blurted out in a moment of failure- failure to settle and conceal the feeling gnawing at his insides. “I.. c’n button it myself,” he mumbled in a small voice, desperate to disguise his little outburst as a simple penchant for independence.
“What’s wrong with you lately? You’re even more weird and off-putting than usual,” Spirit stepped a little further away from him, what looked to be a disgusted, confused, and bothered look on his face. “You could afford to deny people’s help and generosity a little more nicely, and not be such an annoying jerk.”
“No, Spirit, it’s okay! Really. I don’t mind.”
‘Why can’t they all just leave me be?’
“He looks really sick. I’m sure he feels horrible, I don’t blame him for being a little… on guard…? I wouldn’t want to be out in this heat and have to walk up that behemoth of a staircase if I was sick.”
‘Can we just go inside?’
“Yeah, I agree with you, but he’s been…”
The more they continued discussing him, the more jittery, antsy, and almost whiny he felt. Was it anxiety? Was it purely agitation? Both? Why did they have to focus on him so much? Were they planning something? Was it in their dialogue with one another- subtle hints and language that only they would understand?
He began fiddling with the same buttons he was supposed to fix, ruthlessly rolling his lips between his teeth, ripping the lifting skin off of his bottom lip, as his head reeled with a sensation he could not quite describe, though it did make his chest feel pressured and dense.
The urge to beat on his arms and legs had nearly overcame him, despite him trying desperately to ignore it, instead grabbing fistfuls of his pants, yanking on them roughly, though gently enough that he hoped it wouldn’t be pointed out.
“You should really take him home, Spirit,” their voices came back in after being replaced by a familiar ringing sound. “He kinda looks like he might throw up, doesn’t he?”
She wasn’t wrong. His stomach felt as though it was being crushed under the weight of a hydraulic press- or perhaps stretched out, squished, and flattened by a rolling pin. He could taste the bitterness of his stomach acid, as it crept up his esophagus.
“Well, he hasn’t eaten anything in a while, so-“
“Oh, my God!”
Each and every single one of them jumped away from him on instinct, though, as Spirit stated, he’d not eaten anything in a long while, so all that his stomach managed to evict was its own acid. And while there was thankfully no real mess to clean, unfortunately, the lack of contents in his stomach only made the experience all the more painful, as his abdomen forcefully sunk in, frantic to wring and squeeze out anything that it could, causing him to hunch over, convulsing and folding in on himself.
After a good minute or two of gasping coming from multiple different groups of students, as well as his profuse gagging, his body finally gave up. Stein straightened himself out, wiping his lips, clumsily rubbing the slight moisture from out of his eyes with his other hand, before his arms quickly came to wrap around his mildly sore abdomen.
Spirit raised one of his furrowed brows, sarcastically gazing at Stein from over his shoulder. “Are you still just ‘fine’?”
He shook his head with a pout of defeat.
“Do you want me to take you home?”
“I have work to do..”
“You can’t be serious, Stein.”
“……Fine.”
Spirit released a dramatic, dreadful, and burdened sigh, waving the group goodbye, as he motioned for Stein to follow him down the monstrous steps, holding his hand out for him to take as though he were a stumbling, klutz of a small child.
“Is Marie coming?” Franken glanced behind himself and back at the group, begrudgingly taking his scythe’s hand.
“I don’t think so. …Why? Do you want her to?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Not necessarily… just curious.”
“Well… it makes more sense for your weapon partner to be the one late for class just to make sure you don’t die on your way back home, you know?”
‘I could’ve gone alone.’
“You’re not staying, then?”
“No, there’s some stuff I have to catch up on, so….”
“Oh. Okay.”
At least he wouldn’t be there to witness his little moment of weakness. And the next one that would surely come, like little episodes.
If he was miserably failing to hide it all just mere moments ago, what would you even call his supreme failure now?
-
“Go get in bed, Stein. I’m gonna.. grab some.. medicine and water and stuff for you to take later…. I really have to get back- shit,” Spirit rushed into their kitchen, looking down at his ever-ticking watch with an anxiety and stress-ridden fervor.
Franken, stuck between grasping onto his precious independence for dear life and simply obeying his partner’s order to avoid any possible obnoxious frustration from him, lethargically marched into the kitchen - quickly turning away from it, only to turn back a second later.
“Hey, what are you still doing in here?” A thin stream of water erupted from the shiny faucet, finding its way down into a plastic, grey cup. “Shoo,” he, somewhat playfully and lightheartedly, waved the sniveling meister away, the creaking of wooden cabinet doors reverberating within Stein’s sensitive ears. “Go tuck yourself in, you look like death.”
The shaking of pills trapped within a bottle had Stein picking up his pace almost instantaneously, racing to leave the room, the throbbing in his temples and in the rims of his eyes increasing with each bang of a capsule against the plastic of the walls, which confined them.
Upon reentering his bedroom, he breathed a sigh of relief when he found that his room had remained pleasantly dark, only a small fraction of sunlight peeking in. He slid underneath his covers, quickly grabbing his stuffed T-Rex and holding it under the blanket as to avoid any probing, teasing comments about it, before curling in a position that seemed to lessen the degree of the repeated blows his stomach happened to be taking.
His brows pinched for a moment at the odd crinkling of wrappers in the kitchen, and the subsequent footsteps growing louder the closer and closer they came.
“I got you a snack too… You really need to eat something soon, okay?” Spirit sat item after item down on his nightstand, naming them all off, much to Stein’s annoyance. “Not eating anything’s only gonna make you start dry-heaving again.”
He placed his hands on his hips in an almost sassy, domineering fashion, giving Stein a particular look, which read as simultaneously parental and exhausted of dealing with him and his “trials and tribulations,” so to speak. Truthfully, that exhaustion confused him, as he never told Spirit anything, he had never vented to him, never pestered him for comfort, or assistance, or nothing. Perhaps his supposed ‘oddities’ and behavioral quirks were a chore to put up with in and of themselves. Perhaps he was simply a chore to deal with, whether he was seeking out another’s patience and care or not.. whether he was being entirely himself or not… whether they knew what was going on with him, and who he truly was, or not. Only sweet, normal people were deserving of effort and love, so it seemed in the eyes of the world at large.
“Take the pills I left on your nightstand. Water’s right there. ….If you’re legitimately on the verge of death or something, then call me. Otherwise, I’ll be back later. Don’t kill yourself. Don’t kill anyone else. Eat that protein bar. Take your meds. Okay?
…… Okay?” Spirit repeated himself with annoyance-induced emphasis after receiving no verbal reply, only being given a continuous and disturbingly alert stare.
“Okay.”
As to not be conspicuous, Stein stroked his stuffed toy gently back and forth with his thumb, repressing and resisting the urge to succumb to his incessant fatigue and foreign… craving. He would not shut his eyelids, no matter how much weight they seemed to gain, nor would he cuddle the dinosaur, until he knew the weapon was gone.
“I’m gonna go, then. Get some sleep, or something.”
Since, apparently, not speaking was not allowed and was simply so very rude, Stein mumbled, “Okay.”
Spirit turned swiftly on his heels, almost waltzing out of the room, before shifting his body around to face his partner, his hand on the doorframe. “Oh.. and, by the way, I actually have a date after school, so… I won’t be back as soon..”
“You mean you won’t be back until one in the morning?”
“Uh… maybe. Depends on how it goes.”
‘Why can’t people just say what they truly mean? What’s the point in dancing around it?’
“Ok.”
“Well, okay. …Uhm… Do you want this door open, or….?”
“No.”
“All right,” he drawled, uncomfortably grinning in response to whatever awkward air had been created, shutting the door rather speedily behind him.
‘Well, fucking someone’s most likely a lot less boring than trying, and failing, to ignore a sick person,’ Stein considered to himself, as he tucked his stuffie under his chin, holding it tightly against his seemingly weighted chest.
Something about that almost disappointed him, despite the fact that he’d longed for complete and utter solitude. Did he want him to stay? Not necessarily. Did he want him to shove aside his sexual escapades so that he could assist him? But ultimately, why would he? Stein should be able to take care of himself at his age. Couldn’t everyone else?
He did not need his help, nor did he want it. But then, why did it worsen the expanding hole in chest, why did it send dull and sharp aches throughout his body when he continued to ponder it? Why did the aching worsen when he thought about how patient and calm Marie was, in comparison to how Spirit often was towards him? Was he just being melodramatic? It’s not as though he was some poor, delicate, harrowed soul. He was just being an idiot. That was all. He could not for the life of him tell what it was that he was longing for, but his friends’ affection and comfort, and even attention? That most certainly could not have been it. There had not been a singular point in his life in which he’d ever desired that before. Was it simply that he got a small taste, a glimpse of what patience and care was like, and was suddenly desperate for more? But that was so terribly degrading and stupid. So, so, so stupid.
Not to mention, most people did not have to ask for comfort, did they? No one walks up to people and asks others for a scrap of care and thoughtfulness. And he should truly be grateful for what he’s been given. Most wouldn’t give him the time of day, considering how unempathetic, selfish, and generally parasitic he often was. All he could ever care about was satiating his own curiosity, his own often sadistic and hedonistic desires. No one wanted to care for someone of whom they knew would not do the same for them.
He hugged his T-Rex even tighter, embracing the toy with his strangely overheating arms.
He should be grateful. He was asking for too much. And asking people for things is often considered rude. And rudeness was to be denounced.
He’d asked Spirit for his stuffed T-Rex. Well, not verbally. He’d pointed at it, as he assumed that was the least offensive way one could ask if they could get something. Even then, he’d expected to be faced with pure vitriol. It seemed as though most assumed that him asking for something meant he considered himself entitled to that something, though it did not. He wouldn’t have minded being denied, maybe he’d be a bit disappointed, but asking someone to pay for something as dumb as a stuffie was more than rude- in fact, it was crude, was it not? He should have his own money to buy little trinkets with. So, looking back on that memory of Spirit nonchalantly allowing him to purchase the stuffie was so terribly confusing, though it seemed his body ached and yearned for more. But he was supposed to be yelled at. It was rude of him. Where was all of the anger and frustration with his demanding nature? Whatever the case may be, he definitely seemed to want more of that, though he couldn’t even begin to understand why. And what even was “that”? Being allowed an item without being reminded that his behavior is burdensome to the rest of the world? He didn’t mind being viewed as burdensome. It was a universal perception of him, one he’d shrug off. He wasn’t ever much of a fan of those whom he burdened, anyway. So, then, what did he want? To not be viewed in such a light? Was it simply nicer to not be a burden, an archetype, an urban legend of sorts, and something that is, too, alive and possible to love and care for? To be seen for who he truly is, and instead of being met with fear and repulsion, sincere adoration?
Perhaps it was only because of his moronic little episodes, which left him curling into his plushies even more so. Even when he was truly small, he’d not desired affection from anyone. He had never desired connection, either. Then again, why would he? He never came to quite understand what either two concepts happened to be. He was told they existed, but it seemed that they were entirely fictional concepts. No one genuinely treated anyone in such a nice manner, not without an ulterior motive at the very least. He’d surely have lost it if he believed otherwise, no?
Again, he was most certainly asking for too much, asking for something entirely unrealistic. Of course people were going to be angry with him- when were they not? His very existence acts as a complete defiance of any and all social norms and protocol. He was pretending as though patience was normal. He was acting as though he was just some poor, miserable baby, and not the same individual who was known for mercilessly and ruthlessly dissecting everything. Was it possible to be both? But how pathetic was that!
The fact that Spirit even walked him home should be enough. Of course, him tossing things onto his nightstand was rather suspicious, as he could have very well poisoned everything, but still, it should be enough of a gesture. He shouldn’t be disappointed because sex was more important than him- that was just being melodramatic, he’d never needed any attention. Not to mention the fact that anyone else his age could care just fine for themselves. Just suck it up. He was acting as though he’d never been treated as important or precious, as though Spirit hadn’t taken time out of his day to make sure he didn’t immediately die. The fact that he hadn’t been spit on for being so pathetic whilst ill should be enough for him to feel loved, though he didn’t need that either. It’s not as though he’d ever felt particularly cared for or loved before, so how could he ever want something he could not even begin to fathom? He’d never felt any form of love for anyone, of course people did not want to give love to him. But who said they didn’t? He didn’t know what love even was, who said being walked home wasn’t? However, no one had ever known him before. And can you really love someone you don’t truly know? He was even allowed his stuffie, that should be enough. Spirit didn’t scream either, that should be enough. Screaming was just obnoxious, not to mention homicidally-enraging, though sometimes a bit humorous.
There are people with real problems in the world. He was only being dramatic. What friend would actually take care of him, anyway? That sounds like something corny and dumb out of some children’s book. That doesn’t exist. And he wasn’t human. Of course he wasn’t going to be treated like one.
People don’t like pathetic individuals, nor does he. He’s lucky he wasn’t promptly mocked for his dry-heaving. And it’s not as though he wasn’t suspicious of such kindness. It was clearly a lie. He was being an idiot. That was all.
And there was also the fact that such affection repulsed him. He never wanted it from any specific person. Or did he? No. Sometimes it was still nice. It made his brain fuzzy with the incoming of another episode. But he was so violently suspicious of it, he couldn’t trust it. It was obviously a way to lure him in and mock him and take advantage of him. But it felt nice to be doted on.
Stein wrapped his arm around his torso, tenderly moving his nails up and down what portion of his back and shoulders he could successfully reach. He closed his eyes, hiding his face in his plushie, inhaling and exhaling slowly, though a bit shakily.
What was it like to not ruin things and have no clue as to how or why you even ruined them? What was it like to be treated as though you weren’t just a bizarre zoo animal to gawk at and be entertained by? What was it like to be a priority, someone’s favorite, to be important and wanted? What was it like to have the privilege of being fully yourself, and even loved for yourself? What was it like to not be able to overestimate your importance? What was it like for people to genuinely want to put in the effort to deal with you, to be burdened by you?
There were simply some curiosities he would not be able to sate. He was much too violent and apathetic and agitated of an individual. And that was fine. He had always been a solitary creature, someone who had the best time when alone. Though that did not mean that he wasn’t at all curious as to what it was like to be treated as though you were sweet, normal, and human. Then again, that sort of treatment did not truly exist, did it?
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names, most surnames (2)
Allow me to apologize again for this partial list of names in the library, titles available on request…
amis, acker kathy, ackroyd peter, abbey edward, aldiss brian, alcott louisa, m. anonymous, aldiss brian editor, ackroyd peter, allende isabel, acker kathy, adair gilbert, adams richard, asimov isaac, alcott louisa m., austen jane, azhayev vasili, asimov isaac, austen jane, ableman paul, amis martin, atwood marga,ret adams richard, abish walter, burroughs edgar rice, benn melissa, butler samuel, blyton enid, beckett samuel, beckett samuel, blyton enid, billington rachel, burnford. sheila, burroughs edgar r,ice bentley phyllis, burney francis, burroughs edgar rice, burroughs edgar rice, compton-burnett ivy, bryant arthur, burchard johann, bryant arthur, brame charlotte, bryant arthur, boll heinrich, buckeridge ant,hony boston l.m., buchan john, brightwen mrs illustrated by f carruthers gold, bronte charlotte, bradbury ray, banks lynne reid, barr pat, betto fre,i baxter stephen, banks iain, bronte charlotte, bryant arthur, banks iain m illustrated by nick day, bradbury malcolm, bell adrian, ballantyne r,.m. balzac honore de, benson e.f, barth richard, barrie j.m, bainbridge beryl, bronte emily, ballard j.g, bronte charl,otte borden mary, black lionel , bellow saul, introduced b,y j. michael walton wilde oscar, salgado gamini, ready stuart, besier rudolf, salgado gamini, euripides, euripides, williams t,ennessee sophocles, ionesco. eugene, ibsen henrick, marillier chri,stabel jonson ben, bennett alan, ionesco eugene, brenton. howard, stoppard tom, pinter harold, aristophanes, arnold mathew, daisenberger j.a., stoppard tom, eliot t.s., creeley rob,ert chaucer geoffrey - edited by walter w. skeat, cronin a. j., carr j. l., cooper edmu,nd colette, chevalier tracy, cosse laurence, christopher joh,n chatwin bruce, collingwood h, cather willa, cattieuchlan, crane stephen, calvino italo, collier eric, cela camilo c,ela crichton micheal, carpino f. brancaccio di, comrie margaret s., chabon michael, crofts freeman wills, carre john le, crace jim, michael co,x and r. a. gilbert cheever john, cardetti raphael, coolidge clark, chevallier gabr,ial coxe harmon george, cronin a. j., cheyney peter, conway hugh, cullum ridgwell, christian catherine, crace jim, crace jim, dickens charles, dickens charles, dunn nell, defoe dani,el bernheim emmanuele, doctorow e.l., chesterton g. k., donleavy j.p., bronte charlotte, duggan alfred, delany samuel r. - petaja emil, durrell gerald, dallek robert, dickens charles, dickens charles, dalby richard ed,. dickens charles, chang jung, delacorta, dickens ch,arles dickens charles, conan-doyle arthur, du maurier daphne, dostoyevsky f.m, durrant valentine, durrant valentine, donoso jose, delillo don, delillo don, defoe daniel, defoe daniel, duke neville, colette, camus albert, cheever john, egan frank, eastwood helen, england barry, duke of windsor, eden emily, egan greg, edwardson ake, franken rose, fowles john, frzer douglas, fielding henry, frankau gilbert, featherstone don,ald fyson j.g., fitzgerald f. scott, fyfield francis, fletcher h.l.v., ford madox ford, fuentes carlos, fuentes carlos, fossum karin, fielding henry, fielding henry, fox gardner f., forester c.s., flaubert gustave, forsyth frederick, fitchett w.h., faulkner willi,am gallico paul, garfeld leon, galsworthy john, gaskin catherine, goldring douglas, greene graham, fletcher j. s., goldsmith olive,r grey zane, faulkner william, grisham john, greene graham, green f.l., delany samuel r, fenn george manville, gide andre, grimwood jon courtenay , gordimer nadine, grisham john, greene graham, greene graham, grass gunter, galsworthy john, gray malcolm, gou xiaolu, goldsmith oliver, greene graham, harsch rick, hill weldon, hall radclyffe, hibbert christopher, hanley james, hemingway ernest, hardy thomas, horvath odon von, conan-doyle arthu,r scott-giles c.w., kollings ken, herbert a.p., houellebecq m,ichel hawes james, holt anne, hopkins r. thurston, huxley aldous, hawkins paula, holwell william, indridason arnaldur, inoue yasushi, ishiguro kazuo, houellebecq michel, hesse hermann, hemingway erne,st hamilton peter f., howard cecil, hyland ann, jewett sara,h orne - with a preface by willa cather joinville & villehardouin, jelinek elfriede, james m. r., jonke gert, moyle j.b. (translator) - justinian, johns capt. w.e., jerome jerome k, jenkins elizabet,h jenkins elizabeth, james m. r., kipling rudyard, kipling rudyard, kipling rudyard, kipling rudyard, kerr j. lennox, kipling rudyard, kilvert rev francis, kipling rudyard, kipling rudyard, kent nora, kipling rudyard, king stephen, kipling rudyard, kipling rudyard, kipling rudyard, khadra yasmina, khadra yasmina, kipling rudyard, kipling rudyard, lovell ann, koontz dean, lucas-philli,ps c.e. kafka franz, leyner marx, linklater eric, kipling rudyard, kipling rudyard, kennard mrs. edward, kipling rudyard, kipling rudyard, kipling rudyard, kipling rudyard, kipling rudyard, leskov nikolai, leyner mark, lewis norman, carre john le, lee laurie, kilver francis - edited william plover, leyner mark, laver james, lear edward, lever charles, laing e.t., carre john le, longmate norma,n lane jane, lewycka marina, baker margaret, llwelyn davis w,eeks forestier-walker and bor wenstrom o. edmund and harlock walter e., 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valentino chance wolf dan davis, jim valentino chance wolf dan davis, mckillip patricia a., du maurier daphne, elgin suzanne haden, de teran lisa st aub,in collingwood r. g., winterson jeanette, carmody isobelle, perry steve, egan doris, moorcock michael, gaiman neil, gilden mel, larry niven jerry pounelle micheal flynn, eddings david, cooper louise, weaver micheal, claremont chris, hamilton laurell k., kepler lars, nothomb amel,ie staig laurence, wood anthony, murrary linda, kaveney roz di,tor plato, cumming elizabeth and kaplan wendy, reiss johanna, glover jonatha,n goodman nelson, plato, carmody isobelle, wilson robert cha,rles wilson robert charles, wilson robert charles, johnson george, kepler lars, brookmyre christopher, jordan robert, kinsella sophie, jewell lisa, parent gail, gibson williams, kinsella sophie, carofiglio gianr,ico hesse hermann, nesbo jo, duane diane, higginson wi,lliam j. ferguson margaret. salter mary jo. stallworthy jon, evanovich janet, evanovich janet, 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(edited by), rankin robert, rankin robert, mccaffery anne, evanovich janet, mccaffery anne, yoshimto ray - clamp nanase ohkawa, brookmyre christopher, allen roger macbride, pratchett terry, anderson kevin j. (edited by), connolly joseph, cherryh c.j., cadigan pat, mccaffery anne, divakaruni chit,ra banerjee zappa moon unit, vernadsky vladimir i, mackesy serena, waterhose keith, hines barry, golding william, keenan joe, ironside vi,rginia cullimore claudine, kawabata yasunari, motter dean and lark michael, mccaffery anne, mccaffery anne, mccaffery anne, packard vance, moore gerald, furey maggie, furey maggie, mccaffery anne, duane diane, gaiman neil, brown dan, furey maggie, lindsay dougl,as scott-giles c. w., modesitt jr l. e., bronte charlotte, murdoch iris, streatfield noel, leiris michel, bronte emily, williams ursu,la moray ecke wolfgang, pratchett terry, mclean lenny, edwards-jones, imogen nesser hakan, mcintyre vonda, fisk nicholas, evanovich jane,t tey josephine, robbe-grillet alain, aeschylus, baudrillar,d jean baudrillard jean, pagels heinz r., sen amartya, sen amartya, caputo john d., rossini, corey james a., holt tom, kube-mcdowell michael p., sweterlitsch tom, wolfe tom, 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eastland sam, kadare ismail, hertzberg max, grancsay stephen v., mcintyre vonda, kafka franz, piketty thomas, greene harris, butcher jim, ordnance survey, brodie bernard and fawn, kornbluth c. m., bull emma, seigel martin, imlah mick, thomas edward, maclean alista,ir de giovanni maurizio, banks iain m, banks iain m, banks iain, corey james a., corey james a., carver raymond, mason paul, reynolds alaistair, lagercrantz david, lagercrantz david, shakespeare willia,m brooks rosetta , brooks rosetta , grant richard, scudder bernar,d (translator) bull emma, eliot george, kadrey richard, lowry malcolm, de la motte anders, aaronovitch ben (cartmel williamson renne), dick lesley, herbert fran,k setterfield diane, lyall gavin, carr caleb, mcintyre vo,nda groening matt, groening matt, dark horse comics, groening matt, greene graham, gunn kirsty, klein rachel, bussi michel, wiltshire professor patricia, collins bridget, ford ford madox, bishop micheal, brandao ignazio de loyola, kube-mcdowell 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gonzale,z forrest richard, delany samuel r., cadigan pat, damasio anto,nio damasio antonio, ackroyd peter, evans i. o. (editor), mcdevitt jack, van vogt a.e, stross charles, hamilton edward, pratchett terry, herbert frank, appia adolphe, king laurie r, brown eric, clifton mark and riley frank, mordern s. j., russell eric frank, kuttner henry, robson justina, tchaikovsky adrian, robson justina, mattelart armand and michelle delcourt xavier, dick philip k, cherryh c.j., pohl frederick and kornbluth c. m., graeber david, graeber david, robin blackburn, stiegler bernard, stiegler bernard and derrida jacques, llansol maria gabriela, benkler yochai, robinson kim stanley, anderson poul, jeter k. w., king lily, moorcock michael , leon donna, silverberg ,robert pratt tim, mcarthur maxine, moorcock michael , stephenson neil, carver jeffrey a., van vogt a.e, wollheim donald a. (editor), simenon georges, clarke arthur, mossman keith, okuda michea, and denise, gibson william, daly mary, sterling bruce , rankin ian, evans peter, j. coleman gabriella, edmund spencer, edmund spencer, patrick hamilit,on alexander moszkowski, jane austen, alexander moszkowski, christine brooke rose, helmuth plessner, zubrowsky
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