#and Ben also struggles with dealing with his mistakes

[afinestoutlove]

things i love about heartstopper 1/?

I fucking love the way Nick doesn't get defensive about his feelings for Charlie. This is huge for a boy in this kind of culture, especially Nick who until this point has been repressing so much of himself in order to fit in with “normal” guys.

We see what can happen with Ben. He resents Charlie for making him feel this way. He hates himself and he can’t deal with it, he doesn’t know how to handle it, and he punishes Charlie for it.

But Nick goes the opposite way. He's scared, he runs away, he makes mistakes, but he always knows those are his fears and not Charlie's fault. He keeps trying to do better, to do right by Charlie. He keeps being friends with Charlie even after he realises he likes him. He learns to stand up to his friends and challenge their behaviour, not only because he cares about Charlie, but he also learns from him. He learns that he’s been wrong to accept that behaviour and he needs to do better. He changes his own behaviour because he cares about Charlie and because he wants to be better for himself.

I think it's also a really important part of Nick’s story that he’s not just learning and growing for Charlie, he’s doing it for himself too. He’s becoming a person he wants to be and can be proud of. Yes, Charlie’s a huge part of that. He helped Nick realise all the things he was accepting that he shouldn’t, partly because Nick had to face a lot of it as a result of realising he was bi, partly cos Charlie's so different from the rugby lads and offers an alternative way to be in the world. But even though he is doing it for Charlie a lot of the time, Nick is also becoming a better person because it’s who he wants to be for himself.

I think that’s partly why it’s so important for Nick to say “I love liking you”. It's important for Charlie to hear, yes. But it's also super important for Nick to say for himself. It’s so opposite to Ben, who hated himself for liking Charlie and hated Charlie for it too. Even though it was hard for Nick, he never saw it as a bad thing. Yeah, it was hard. And he struggled. But it was worth it to him. It’s so fucking important.

[ohquail]

SBG as Voltron AU

Friends that wanted to be tagged: @blue-eyed-moon-child @niredsw @random-gamer1942

The roles

Black Lion: Tyler He's very much leadership material and with Ashlyn as Allura, it gives Tyler the perfect opportunity to be leader when she's not around yet give her the ability to run things like she does in the comic and Allura does in the show.

Blue Lion: Taylor She's thoughtful, caring, puts others first, like Lance did with everyone (LANCE STOP GETTING HURT), and Allura did at the end of the show.

Red Lion: Aiden Very loose and fast, likes to live on edge, very much a second hand man and doesn't take leadership even when he could, allowing Tyler and Ashlyn to take over. But also protective of everyone, like Keith is of Shiro and King Alfor was of Allura.

Green Lion: Logan Probably the smartest in the group when it comes to school like things. I think that he would struggle in the same way Pidge did when connecting to nature, in the "I like being inside but if I have to connect to the tree I will"

Yellow Lion: Ben Big guy, smart, compassionate, thoughtful, just like Hunk and Gyrgan.

Ashlyn is Allura Ashlyn is Allura because she fits the role of Red as much as Aiden does. So when/if Aiden gets the Keith running off to galra arc, Ashlyn gets the red lion :D

Alex is Coran

Maverick is Zarkon

Ryan is Thace

Jasmine is Haggar (without the weird, being honerva bit? like no romantic feelings please)

Charlie is Sendak (Maybe I'll draw these later)

Continue for Chapter 1: (This will be a continuing series & I will be splitting episodes into one-two chapters depending on length)

“You come up here to rock out?” Aiden asked, removing Logan’s headphones slightly. Logan jumped, whipping around to see who was behind him. “Oh, Aiden, Ben.” Logan greeted with a sigh of relief, “No, um, just looking at the stars,”

Aiden and Ben exchanged a glance. "Stars?" Aiden echoed, lifting his gaze to the empty canvas of the sky. "It's a little cloudy tonight, don't you think?"

Logan shrugged, “So?” “Where'd you get this stuff? It doesn't look like Garrison tech.” Aiden frowned, giving Logan a confused look. “I built it,” Logan sat up proudly and grinned at Aiden and Ben. “You built all of this?” Aiden asked as Ben bent down to touch one of the pieces of equipment. Logan reached over and gently smacked Ben’s hand away, “Stop it!” He turned his attention back to Aiden, “With this thing, I can scan all the way to the edge of the solar system.” “That right?” Aiden asked, a smug grin on his face, “Would you say, all the way to Kerberos?” Logan froze, slightly glaring at Aiden. “You go ballistic every time the instructors bring it up.”

Logan glared at Aiden. The blonde continued, “What's your deal?”

Ben reached towards Logan’s equipment again. “Second warning Ben!” Logan turned and scolded.

“Look, Logan, if we're going to bond as a team, we can't have any secrets.” Aiden squatted down to Logan’s eye level. Logan sighed, “Fine. The world as you know it is about to change. The Kerberos Mission wasn't lost because of some malfunction or crew mistake.” Ben reached over to touch Logan’s computer. “Stop touching my equipment!” Logan demanded.

Ben made a face of disgust before sitting back and nodding that he’d listen this time. Logan continued, “So, I've been scanning the system and picking up alien radio chatter,” “I’m sorry what?” Aiden asked, blinking in disbelief. “Aliens? Really?” Logan nodded.

“So, you're insane. Got it.” Ben’s phone spoke out for him. “I'm serious.” Logan promised, “They keep repeating one word, ‘Voltron.’ And tonight, it's going crazier than I have ever heard it.”

“What is Voltron?” Aiden asked as if Logan had all the answers.

“I have no clue,” Logan gave a helpless shrug.

Suddenly the PA activated, “Attention, students. This is not a drill. We are on lockdown! Security situation Zulu Niner.” The gentleman on the comms instructed, “Repeat: all students are to remain in barracks until further notice.” “What's going on?” Aiden asked, a frown as he looked up at the PA system. “Is that a meteor?” Logan asked, squinting through his glasses. “A very, very big meteor?” Aiden asked, in disbelief as he turned back around. Logan grabbed his binoculars from his bag and held them up to his face. “No. It's a ship,” Logan looked slightly panicked. Aiden grabbed the binoculars and pointed them at the sky. “Holy crow! I can't believe what I'm seeing! That's not one of ours.” “No. It’s one of theirs,” Logan shook his head and started packing up his stuff. “Where are you going? We’re under lock down,” Aiden furrowed his brow in confusion and upset.

“I've got to see that ship,” Logan told Aiden, grabbing his binoculars back before dipping over the short edge of the building they were on. Aiden watched for a moment as Logan hit the ground and started running towards the airship that had now crashed into the ground. “Come on Ben,” Ben grabbed Aiden’s arm before the blonde jumped off the building after Logan. “This is the worst team-building exercise ever,” He had typed into his phone. It read the message out loud before Aiden laughed and turned to jump off the building.

The sound of multiple Garrison vehicles departing to the crash site erupted from the building just before Aiden landed with a thud on softened earth, a cloud of dust billowing around him. Ben touched down more gracefully, landing on the balls of his feet. His eyes remained focused on Logan's receding form.

——— As soon as they approached the crash site, Ben and Aiden noticed that Logan had set up his computer behind a rock formation. Aiden and Ben ran over and crouched down with Logan. “What are you doing?” Aiden asked, looking over Logan’s shoulder to see the computer. “Trying to hack into their security cameras,” Logan shushed Aiden with his finger. “You can do that?” Ben’s phone spoke out for him. “Yeah,” Logan answered without anymore explanation. Aiden and Ben glanced at each other with concerned emotions etched onto their faces. “They set up a camera in there and I grabbed its feed.” Logan moved the computer for Ben and Aiden to both see.

“Look!” Aiden pointed at the screen at a teenage boy struggling against restrains. A staticky voice came through the feed, “Hey! What are you doing?” The boy asked, continuing to struggle. The head of cadet training, Iverson, motioned for two people in hazmat suits to hold the boy down. “Calm down, Tyler. We just need to keep you quarantined until we run some tests,” Tyler continued to struggle against the people in hazmat suits, “You have to listen to me! They destroy worlds!” He grunted as one of the people threw his shoulder into the table, “Aliens are coming!” “That's Tyler! The pilot of the Kerberos Mission! That guy was in our class!” Aiden looked completely shocked.

Ben watched the video feed for a moment longer, his fingers quickly tapping on the screen of his phone. “Guess he's not dead in space, after all,” the robotic voice echoed around him.

“But where's the rest of the crew?” Logan asked, his eyebrows furrowing as he scanned the screen for the other crew members.

“Do you know how long you've been gone?” Iverson asked Tyler. Tyler shot Iverson a disgusted look, “I don't know. Months? Years? Look, there's no time. Aliens are coming here for a weapon.” Tyler continued to ramble, “They're probably on their way. They'll destroy us. We have to find Voltron!” “Voltron?” Logan asked, staring at the screen in disbelief.

“Put him under,” Iverson instructed, “Until we figure out more,” Tyler freaked out, “Don't put me under! No! There's no time!” He assured them but one of the hazmat suited people stuck a needle into his arm.

The trio outside the tent watched as Tyler drifted off to sleep. “They didn't ask about the rest of the crew.” Logan frowned. “Why didn’t they ask about the rest of the crew?” “What are they doing? He's a legend. They're not even gonna listen to him?” Aiden exclaimed, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

“We have to get him out.” Logan decided, shutting his computer and stashing it into his backpack. Before Aiden and Logan could jump the gun and rush into the tent to save Tyler, Ben held up a hand as he tried to quickly type out his thoughts. “I hate to be the voice of reason, always, but weren't we watching on Logan’s computer because there was no way to get past the guards?” “That was before we were properly motivated,” Logan assured Ben with a pat on the shoulder before a large explosion rang out on the opposite side of the canyon.

“Is that the aliens? Are they here? They got here so quick!” Ben’s phone rang out after a moment. “No, those explosions were a distraction, for him.” Aiden pointed at a hooded figure parking a hover bike before they rushed into the tent where the Garrison was keeping Tyler.

“The Garrison's headed toward the blast, and he's sneaking in from the other side.” Aiden frowned.

“Who is that?” Ben’s phone asked before Logan and Aiden both jumped over the wall. “Only one way to find out!” Logan called up to the tall boy before the blonde and brunette started to sprint towards the tent.

Ben hesitated, glanced toward the distant explosion once more, then sprinted after them, his phone clutched tight in one hand.

Inside the tent, Tyler was still unconscious, his face pale against the cold metal table. Two people in hazmat suit were examining the unconscious boy as the hooded person walked into the tent. “These readings are off the chart,” One man said before the other noticed the hooded figure. “HEY!” The man shouted, pointing a gloved finger at the intruder.

But the hooded figure moved with a speed that didn’t seem quite possible. They knocked the two men unconscious swiftly and efficiently before rushing over to the table and yanking off their hood. “Tyler?” Taylor asked, her eyes seemingly playing a trick on her. She unbuckled her twin brother from the table before wrapping his arm around her shoulder. “Nope.” Aiden walked in with Logan right on his tail. “No, you— No, no, no. No, you don't. I'm saving Tyler,” “Who are you?” Taylor asked, before looking at Logan. “Logan?” “Hi Taylor,” Logan waved before looking around the tent. “Where’s the rest of the crew?” “No time for that! We need to get out of here before the Garrison grumps come back,” Aiden insisted.

Text from Logan’s phone rang out in the silence. “They’re on their way back. Now.” Logan pointed at the entrance where they had left Ben on look out.

Taylor glared at them, her eyes flitting between Aiden and Logan. But she could feel Tyler sagging against her, his breaths ragged. “Come on,” Taylor sighed, motioning with her free hand for Aiden to walk with her.

Logan followed after them, casting a nervous glance over his shoulder. "We're coming out," Logan sent a message to Ben, who was still outside the tent. As soon as they got outside, all 5 of them loaded onto Taylor’s hover bike, “Can we catch a ride with you? Thanks!” Aiden smiled at the hispanic girl as he climbed up on the bike after her.

“Is this thing going to be big enough for all of us?” Logan asked, as Aiden handed him Tyler. “No,” Taylor started the bike and took off as the Garrison professors and admin started to approach the tent. “Why am I holding this guy?” Logan asked, adjusting Tyler’s weight on him but careful not to let the boy fall off the bike.

“Can't this thing go any faster?” Aiden questioned, with a judgmental tone.

“We could toss out some non-essential weight,” Taylor shot back with a smirk on her face.

“Oh, right!” Aiden looked around for something to toss off the bike, “Okay, so that was an insult.” “Big guy! Lean left!” Taylor instructed to Ben. Ben leaned as instructed. His silent compliance added a much-needed stability to their chaotic escape. Tyler groaned softly in Logan's arms, stirring but not waking.

“Aw, man! Mr. Harris just wiped out Professor Montgomery! No, no. He's fine,” Logan assured the rest of the group. Taylor rolled her eyes.

“Big guy, lean right!” Taylor instructed Ben again and he did as he was told. “Guys? Is that a cliff up ahead?” Logan asked with stammer in his voice.

“Oh, no, no, no!” Aiden protested. “Yup,” Taylor smirked and pressed on the gas pedal. “No, no, no!” Logan and Aiden screamed as the bike approached the edge of the cliff.

“What are you doing? You're going to kill us all!” Logan asked, regret of this adventure seeping into his voice. “Shut up and trust me!” Taylor commanded, her grip tightening on the handlebars. As their speed increased, the ground beneath them dropped away and for a moment they were suspended in air.

————— In the morning, Taylor walked out to where Tyler had been admiring the sunset. “Hey Ty,” She greeted her brother.

"Hey Tay," Tyler responded, not taking his eyes off the horizon. He was sitting on a rock, legs folded beneath him in criss cross applesauce.

“It's good to have you back,” Taylor moved and sat down next to Tyler.

Tyler turned and looked at her with a faint smile on his face. “It's good to be back,” Taylor smiled back before laying into the questions, “So, what happened out there? Where were you?”

“I wish I could tell you, Tay. My head is still pretty scrambled from the whole experience,” Tyler shook his head softly. “I was on an alien ship, but somehow I escaped. It's all a blur. But, how did you know to come save me when I crashed?” “You should come see this,” Taylor stood up and offered Tyler her hand.

——— “What have you been working on, Taylor?” Tyler asked as Taylor yanked a cloth off the cork board on the wall. Logan, Aiden and Ben paused what they were doing and looked over at the twins.

“I can't explain it, really,” Taylor looked at the bulletin board, “After getting booted from the Garrison, I was kind of lost and found myself drawn out to this place. It's like something some energy, was telling me to search,” “Search for what?” Aiden asked. “Well, I didn't really know at the time until I stumbled across this area,” Taylor pointed at a picture that was almost out of her reach, “It's an outcropping of giant boulders with caves covered in these ancient markings. Each tells a slightly different story about a blue lion, but they all share clues leading to some event, some arrival happening last night,” She turned to Tyler, “Then, you showed up.” A thought dawned on Tyler, “I probably should thank you all for helping Tay get me out of there,” He extended his hand towards Aiden. “Aiden, right?”

Aiden nodded and took Tyler’s hand in his. After a firm handshake, Tyler moved to Logan and Ben. “The quiet guy is Ben. I’m Logan. So, did anyone else from your crew make it out?” “Uh, I’m not sure. Everything is a bit of a daze still,” Tyler frowned, “Sorry,” “It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” Logan assured Tyler.

Ben typed up something on his phone, “Yeah, sorry to interrupt, but back to the aliens. Where are they now? Are they coming? Are they coming for us? Where are they at this very moment?�� Everyone chuckled at the automated voice messing up a few words at the general repetitiveness of the message. “I can't really put it together. I remember the word ‘Voltron.’ It's some kind of weapon they're looking for, but I don't know why,” Tyler paused, “Whatever it is, I think we need to find it before they do.” Ben quickly typed up another message, “Well, last night, I was rummaging through Logan’s stuff, and-” “Why were you going through my stuff?” Logan asked, cutting off the automated voice. Ben rolled his eyes softly before typing out a new message and letting it play. “I watched a lady bug crawl in. But, then, I started reading his diary.” “What?” Logan asked, grabbing the book Ben pulled out of his pocket away from the taller boy. Ben’s message kept playing out of the phone, “I noticed the repeating series of numbers the aliens are searching for -looks a lot like a Fraunhofer line.” “Frown who?” Taylor asked with a frown on her face.

Ben typed a reply quickly, “It's a number describing the emission spectrum of an element, only, this element doesn't exist on Earth. I thought it might be this Voltron. I think can build a machine to look for it, like a Voltron finder,” Aiden stared at his cousin in shock as the tall boy pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. Ben typed up one more message before opening the paper up. “The wavelength looks like this.” “Give me that!” Taylor demanded before holding it up to the picture she had pointed to earlier. The two pictures, the graph and photograph, matched up perfectly.

———

“Okay, I admit it. This is super freaky.” Aiden mumbled under his breath as the group traversed the desert plateaus. “I'm getting a reading.” Taylor looked at the small device that Ben had put together and given her to read. “This way,” She pulled Logan, who’s bag was filled with the rest of the equipment and attached to the device in Taylor’s hand, in the direction of the reading.

After a while of walking, they came across a cave. Adorning the walls was several carvings, no, hundreds of carvings of a female lion.

“Whoa.” The group looked around and gasped simultaneously. Tyler turned towards Taylor, “What are these?” “These are the lion carvings I was telling you about,” Taylor assured Tyler, before dragging her hand over the dust on the wall. Immediately the carving lit up bright blue and shined in Taylor’s face. Taylor jumped back into Tyler’s arms as the ground crumbled beneath the small group. Everyone screamed as the floor collapsed and shot them down a slide like earth fixture. “TAYLOR!” Aiden complained as soon they landed. “Why do you and Ben feel the need to touch everything?” Ben turned and glared at Aiden, but remained quiet as usual. “I didn’t know that touching the wall would make the floor collapse,” Taylor told Aiden, everyone turned toward a large giant Lion with a force field. “Is this it? Is this the Voltron?” Tyler asked. “It must be,” Logan took the tracker device out of Taylor’s hand. “This is what's been causing all of this crazy energy out here.” “Looks like there's a force field around it.” Aiden point out as Taylor and he started to walk up to it.

“Does anyone else get the feeling this is staring at them?” Taylor asked, moving slightly. “No,” Tyler followed his sister and the blonde up to the lion. “Hm, yeah no. It’s definitely following me,” Taylor decided. Aiden walked up and gently put his hands on the force field. “I wonder how we get through this,” Taylor smirked as a idea popped into her head, “Maybe you just have to knock,” She rapped her fingers against the cool energy field, it immediately fell away. “AH!” Taylor jumped back slightly. A vision of a large robotic man appeared in all five kids minds. “Woah,” Logan looked up at the lion.

“Uh, did everyone just see that?” Tyler asked, rubbing his head slightly. “Voltron is a robot.” Aiden muttered as if in a trance, “Voltron is a huge, huge, awesome robot.” “And this thing is only one part of it! I wonder where the rest of them are.” Taylor mused as she walked up to the lion. “This is what they're looking for,” Tyler whispered, mostly to himself. “Incredible.” The lion stood up as Taylor approached, and Ben and Logan screamed. “Come on babies! Let’s check it out!” “Hate to be a voice of reason, like ever, but Taylor stop touching things!” Aiden ran after the girl as she darted into the Lion.

Tyler motioned for Ben and Logan to follow him after the other two. Ben typed something up on his phone quickly, “Isn’t this a bad idea?” “Yeah but it’s a fun idea, live a little,” Tyler smirked before walking up into the lion as well. Ben and Logan glanced at each other once before following Tyler into the ship. As soon as they entered the lion, Aiden turned to them. “Okay, guys, I feel the need to point out, just so that we're all aware. We are in some kind of futuristic alien cat head right now.” “Yup,” Taylor smirked, moving to sit down. She put her hands on the controls.

As soon as she did, a deep purring spoke through her head. “Woah,” She turned to the rest of the group, “Did you guys just hear that?” “Hear what?” Logan asked, looking at Taylor. Taylor looked around the small cockpit, “I think it's talking to me.” She mumbled, before moving the controls around. The lion immediately took off, and the lion shot out of the cave.

Aiden, Logan and Ben grabbed each other and screamed. Tyler started at them in disbelief for a moment before turning his attention to Taylor. “Careful Tay,” He pointed out a rock formation. Taylor responded immediately, moving the controls around to avoid the obstacle. “You are the worst pilot ever!” Logan screamed as Taylor sent the Lion into a spiral.

With an eager grin, Taylor turned to the others and exclaimed, “Isn't this awesome?” Taylor asked. “Make it stop.” Logan begged, “Make it stop,” “I’m not doing anything.” Taylor promised, “It's like it's on autopilot.” The Lion steered itself towards the atmosphere, “Where are you going?” Aiden asked, stumbling as the lion rocked violently.

“I just said it's on autopilot!” Taylor insisted, “It says there's an alien ship approaching Earth. I think we're supposed to stop it.” “What did it say, exactly?” Tyler asked, leaning forward to look out the window.

“It's not like it's saying words.” Taylor felt the eyes of all 4 boys fall onto her in disgust and disbelief, “It's more like feeding ideas into my brain, kind of.”

“If this thing is the weapon they're coming for, why don't we just, I don't know, give it to them? Maybe they'll leave us alone.” Ben’s phone read out for him. Tyler turned, offended, “You don't understand,” He assured Ben, “These monsters spread like a plague throughout the galaxy, destroying everything in their path.” Ben gulped, clearly distressed but Tyler continued, “There's no bargaining with them. They won't stop until everything is dead.” “Okay, he gets it,” Aiden defending, “Don’t lay into him like that,” They all turned to see an alien ship entering the space around Earth’s atmosphere. Taylor interrupted the boys before a huge argument could erupt, “Okay, I think I know what to do.” She pushed the controls forward and the lion shot forward into the sky.

“Hey! This isn't a simulator,” Logan reminded Taylor as the Lion reached the exosphere. “That’s good. I always crashed the simulation when I was in school,” She smirked at Logan who gave her a panicked look. “That’s not calming!” Logan told Taylor as the girl moved the controls around. “Let’s try this!” She exclaimed as she pushed the controls forward. The jaw of the lion open and a beam of energy shot out towards the alien ship. The energy beam hit the side of the alien ship, causing a series of bright, violent explosions to ripple across its metallic hull. “Nice job, Tay,” “I think it's time to get these guys away from our planet.” Taylor said, piloting the lion away from Earth. They got a good distance before the alien ship started to follow them. “Oh no,” Tyler mumbled under his breath. “They're gaining on us!” Logan panicked, pushing the back of Taylor’s seat. “It's weird. They're not trying to shoot us. They're just chasing.” Taylor observed, her fingers nimbly adjusting the controls as she kept a steady eye on the pursuing ship. Aiden put his hands up to get everyone’s attention, “Okay, seriously, now we think having aliens follow us is good? I am not on board with this new direction, guys.” “Where are we?” Ben’s phone read out, the digital voice cutting through the noise in the cockpit.

“Edge of the solar system. There's Kerberos,” Logan pointed at the moon of Pluto. “That’s impossible, it took us months to get out here,” Tyler gasped in disbelief, “We got out here in five seconds.” A spherical opening, a distorted sphere with a glowing center opened up in front of the lion. It was a good distance away but the Lion seemed to be dead set on going through.

“A wormhole of sorts, where does it go?” Logan asked Taylor, who struggled and said she didn’t know.

“Tyler, you're the senior officer here. What should we do?” Taylor looked up at her brother.

Tyler looked at the other kids, “Whatever is happening, the lion knows more than we do.” Tyler looked at Aiden, who nodded, “I say we trust it, but we're a team now. We should decide together.” Taylor glanced around, all for boys nodded at her. “Alright, guess you’re all skipping class tomorrow,” She pushed the controls forward and the Lion shot into the wormhole.

———— As they exited the wormhole, an entirely new vista unfolded before their eyes. Kaleidoscopic patterns of nebulae painted the alien sky, with twinkling stars that seemed to breathe and pulse with life. “Where are we?” Ben’s phone read out again, its digital voice sounding even more surreal amidst this cosmic seascape.

“I have no clue,” Logan answered, “I don’t recognize any of these star patterns,” “Me neither,” Tyler looked out the window at the sky. “We must be a long, long way from Earth.” The lion approached a earth like planet, “The lion seems to want to go to this planet.” Taylor told the boys, “I think I think it's going home.” The lion soared into the planet’s atmosphere, plunging through plumes of vibrant, iridescent clouds. As they broke through the final layer, a sprawling cityscape came into view, nestled amidst a lush expanse of emerald-green forests and crystalline rivers.

"Doesn't look like anything from our textbooks," Aiden remarked, his eyes wide with awe.

“Um, is it just me or is anyone else having second thoughts about flying through a mysterious wormhole? Why are we listening to a robotic lion anyway?” Logan asked as the Lion approached a castle like building. “It got us away from that alien warship, didn't it?” Taylor shot back. “I don't know if you noticed, but we're in an alien warship.” Tyler pointed out, patting Taylor on the head.

“Oh, are you scared?” Taylor teased. “With you at the helm? Terrified,” Tyler poked the side of her face before turning his attention to the castle they were approaching.

The castle was enormous, a towering structure of gleaming spires and arching buttresses that seemed to shimmer with an ethereal light. As they landed, Tyler pulled everyone’s attention to him. “No one's happy to be in this situation, but we're here now. If we want to get through this, we've got to do it together.” “Yes sir,” Aiden gave a teasing salute.

“Don’t do that,” Tyler crossed his arms.

“Look at that castle though,” Taylor got out of the pilot seat and tried to book it out of the lion. Tyler grabbed her arm and stopped her, “Keep your guard up.” “Is something wrong Tyler?” Logan asked, cautiously prodding for information. Tyler turned to him, “My crew was captured by aliens once. I'm not going to let it happen again,” As soon as the kids were out of the lion and walking up to the castle, the lion moved. “No! I knew it was going to eat us! No!” Logan screeched, covering his head with his hands. The lion roared and the entrance to the castle opened. “No, it’s just opening the door for us,” Aiden pointed out, touching Logan’s shoulder. The slightly taller boy looked up and sighed in relief. Taylor ran into the castle, “Hello?” She called out into the pitch black foyer. “Taylor! Be careful!” Tyler scolded his sister as the boys walked in after her.

“I am!” Taylor promised, “Hello? Is anyone there?” “Please hold for identity scan,” A voice called out before a beam of light scanned over the five kids.

“What? Why are we here? What do you want with us?” Logan asked as the beam stopped scanning them. Lights leading down the hall flickered on, “Guess we’re going that way,” Aiden started walking down the hall. As they all walked down the hall, the lights continued to flick on, lighting and leading their way. Eventually, they were lead to a room with two cryo-pods. Ben typed up a quick message on his phone and played it out for everyone, “Where are we?” “It's some kind of control room,” Logan observed, scanning the unfamiliar technology around them with a hit of curiosity. “Are these guys dead?” Aiden asked, tapping onto one of the cryo-pods. The pod opened with a hiss of air and a red headed girl fell out, her knees buckling as she called out, “Dad!” Aiden leaped forward and caught her, “Hello there,”

“Who are you? Where am I?” The girl asked, looking up into Aiden’s eyes. Aiden smirked, “I’m Aiden, and you’re right here in my arms,”

"Quit the flirt, Aiden. We're not in a rom-com," Tyler grumbled, stepping forward and offering a hand to the girl. “Who are you people?” The girl asked, pushing Aiden to the ground as she took Tyler’s hand. Tyler helped her up. “Where is King Mike? What are you doing in my castle? “A blue lion brought us here,” Taylor butted in. “How do you have the Blue Lion? What happened to its paladin? What are you all doing here? Unless,” She paused, “How long has it been?” “We don’t know what your talking about,” Logan said as the girl pushed away from Tyler and walked over to a small panel sticking out of the floor and started typing on it. “Why don't you tell us who you are? Maybe we can help.” Tyler suggested, sticking his hands in his shorts pockets. “I am Princess Ashlyn of Planet Altea,” Ashlyn informed the earthlings, “I've got to find out where we are and how long we've been asleep.” Logan looked over her shoulder, “Okay, that's how that works. What is that language though?” A man groaned before Ashlyn could answer. He fell out of his pod before jumping up, “Enemy combatants!” “Nope! Nope!” Taylor assured him otherwise, “We’re friendly, I promise,” The man looked skeptical but stood at ease. “It can't be.” Ashlyn gasped, covering her mouth. “What is it?” The man asked, suddenly very worried for the princess. “We've been asleep for 10,000 years.” Ashlyn stared forward, “Planet Altea and all of the planets in our solar system have been destroyed. Alex, Father is gone. Our entire civilization,”

“Maverick,” Alex shook his head is disbelief. “Maverick?” Logan asked in confusion. “He was the King of the Galra. A vile creature and enemy to all free people.” Ashlyn started to sink onto the floor. “I remember now, I was his prisoner,” Tyler crossed his arms over his chest. “He's still alive? Impossible!” Alex stared at Tyler in disbelief and distrust. “I can't explain it, but it's true,” Tyler nodded, “He's searching for a super weapon called Voltron.” Ashlyn stood back up, “He's searching for it because he knows it's the only thing that can defeat him, and that's exactly why we must find it before he does,” “We?” Aiden interrupted, “Why us?

Word Count: 5,074

[the-other-art-blog]

Benophie wish list: Benedict and Anthony (PART 1)

It's no secret I have my criticisms about Anthony, one of them being his treatment of Benedict. I hope we see some exploration on this relationship, especially now that Johhny Bailey called Benedict "the beating heart of the family." 🥰🥰🥰

First off, I don't think it would be easy to be Anthony's younger brother. Let's be real, he was not an easy person to love until s3, even Kate struggled. And when you are in a system like the aristocracy, it's even worse. Anthony gets all the authority just for being born first, and Benedict is automatically undervalued as the spare.

I want to be fair to both of them because they both are good people. So, if at some point you feel I'm going too hard on Anthony, I promise I'll judge Benedict too here and in other posts.

I think Ben has been accumulating a lot of frustration regarding Anthony since they were children. One of my fav scenes in First Comes the Scandal (Rokesby series #4) illustrates this relationship since childhood.

Here is Anthony (7 years old) and Benedict (5 years old):

Before this scene, Anthony and Ben are described as "little terrors" by Edmund. Yes, they have fun together and were having fun before this incident, but Anthony does something to upset Benedict every now and then.

I wonder if this is how Ben got his black eye, mentioned in To Sir Phillip with Love:

My headcanon is they were practicing boxing and it got out of hand due to some brotherly teasing gone too far. Anthony threw a punch too hard and knocked Ben down by accident. I don't think Anthony meant it, but Benedict didn't move quickly enough. I wrote a little drabble about this:

And if we remember the fencing scene in s2, Anthony is a sore loser. Benedict says that whenever Anthony doesn't win, he accuses them of cheating. We can see how he reacts when Benedict bests him at fencing and it's not very mature, because he holds all the authority granted by birthright. An aristocrat like him is used to get everything he wants and he can't even deal with his brothers.

Thankfully, by the time the show began, Benedict was old enough to fight back in his own way. Some of Benedict's best moments in s2 are when he's teasing Anthony. That is one advantage of Benedict, he can tease all he wants because he's more likable (in the story), so he gets away with it. Who doesn't love this scene:

It must have been so satisfying for Benedict to see Kate winning the argument. He loves her for putting Anthony in his place.

Of course not everything is negative and this is not a post meant to trash Anthony. Benedict also has made plenty of mistakes in this relationship. For starters, he should have helped Anthony much more in estate management. He's just a couple for years younger and he must have been trained in management, just in case. Honestly, I cannot understand how an aristocrat fills his time. What was he doing? Yes, we all have lazy days, but years? of doing nothing but sleep around and attend parties? (more on this in my next post.)

Onto the positive. Anthony and Benedict are still very close despite their differences and frustrations because for 5 years they were the only children. That's a considerable age gap between them and the rest of the siblings.

The whole thing of the heir and the spare also plays into this relationship to stay as tight as it is. It falls upon them to continue their father's legacy by law (which is why Ben should have helped Anthony more). The scene before the duel tells the audience so much about this. Colin, Gregory, and the girls loved Edmund as much as Ben and Anthony, but they will never have the connection these two had with him. They knew him longer and got the chance to have more mature conversations with him.

So for good or for bad, they have to have each other backs. Yes, Anthony pushed Benedict during the fending match, but he also helped him get up.

I have divided this post in various parts cause there's so much to unpack with these brothers. So, next post will be about the Academy fiasco. If you thought this was too harsh on Anthony, wait for it. No matter how wrong it was what Anthony did, Ben is taking advantage of that to blame Anthony for his self doubt.

[short-wooloo]

@david-talks-sw recently made a post (https://www.tumblr.com/david-talks-sw/712987173655363584/luke-skywalker-in-the-last-jedi-22) about Luke in TLJ, specifically on how some ideas struggled to work due to the film being unable to delve into Luke as deeply as is ideal, and how this can be remedied through additional media

So in that spirit, here’s my Ideas for what can be done with a pre-sequels Luke and Ben series, expanding on Ben’s turn to the dark side and basing the relationship between him and Luke and the falling out off of Shifu and Tai Lung from Kung Fu Panda

(Originally this was from a reblog I made on @ensomniaa​ ‘s post on the Jedi and Oogway https://www.tumblr.com/ensomniaa/696816137236774912/the-jedi-and-master-oogway)

This would start 10 years before TFA/TLJ (thus 4 years before Ben’s turn which is 6 years before TFA/TLJ), and cover a period of time of 4 years, so the timeline is 24-28 ABY

Let’s start with Luke, in line with basing him off of Shifu, Luke has a great deal of love and pride for his nephew/student, unfortunately this is clouding his objectivity on the subject, that love and pride is becoming attachment, Luke is not seeing what his nephew is becoming/not taking the warning signs as seriously as he should, ironically Luke is attempting to learn from his past mistakes, in ESB he rushed into Bespin without thinking because of a vision, so here Luke is seeing visions of Ben falling, but he’s trying not to overreact to them and make the same mistake or worse cause what he sought to prevent, that’s good, but as I said, Luke’s attachment to Ben is clouding his judgement and he’s not taking it as seriously as he should, and of course over time these visions will become more frequent and Ben’s own behavior (we’ll get to him in a minute) will worsen, but Luke, somewhat arrogantly (ties into Rian Johnson’s commentary that Luke is conflating his own failures as failures of the Jedi as a whole, he was arrogant and it caused disaster so now he’s thinking of the Jedi as a whole as arrogant in bitterness) reassures himself that he saved Anakin so he can do the same again with Ben

Speaking of, for Ben Solo, his bloodline and abilities are a great source of pride to him, but that pride is turning to arrogance and entitlement, we would see him grow more aggressive and cocky (which Snoke/Palpatine would eagerly encourage), becoming more violent in fights and prone to un-Jedi like behaviors, while also believing himself to be the greatest by virtue of his bloodline, we also have the revelation of Anakin/Vader (this is largely taken from the eu stuff), like Luke before him, Ben idolized Anakin Skywalker and was not made aware of his identity as Darth Vader, and the reveal is crushing, again just like it was for Luke, but whereas Luke came to terms with it, Ben will not, and it makes things worse,

Now I want to take a break from Luke and Ben specifically to address some additional factors

during all of this Luke would have some outside factors making things worse (and not just Snoke/Palpatine prodding at Ben trying to make him turn), obviously we know that the correct way to go about Jedi training is one Master focusing all their efforts on one student

unfortunately, Luke can’t exactly do that

in addition to mentoring Ben, Luke is also trying to rebuild the Order, Lead it, recover artifacts, and train a few dozen other Jedi all at once

It’s the worst of both worlds, nobody/nothing is getting the proper attention needed

Now I want to be clear, this is not a criticism of Luke, this is just a fact of how things are, he’s one man with a ton to do (and also maybe this feeds into his later self loathing, Luke thinks himself responsible because he tried to do everything), ideally it should not be this way, but like with the Prequel Jedi, Luke is lacking in good options, and taking on all of that work at once is simply the least bad option

As I already said, we wouldn’t see this all at once, this would be a gradual process over the course of years, I kinda would approach this like a lot of prequel material does: that feeling of dread as we slowly approach disaster

And speaking of disaster, we set the stage, the point in time is just a few days (or hours even) before the flashback in TLJ (the year is 28 ABY, 6 years before TFA)

Luke and Ben have returned from a mission, while it was a success, Luke is concerned, his visions have gotten worse, and the reality is not much better, Ben was very aggressive and arrogant, and even killed the darksider (who maybe is another apprentice of Snoke’s and Kylo’s own predecessor in the First Order) they fought after that darksider had been defeated (why yes that is an allusion to Anakin killing Dooku), and the whole thing has Luke questioning if he’s been going about this the right way, and then Ben does it...

He is demanding to be made a Knight, and this is where we lock in Ben’s parallels with Tai Lung (and parallels to his grandfather), rather than awaiting the time as to when he is judged to be worthy of something (knighthood/the Dragon Scroll), Ben in his arrogance is demanding it of his teacher

and the rejection of it causes something to snap

In a blind rage Ben lashes out, igniting his saber and attacking Luke, the fight is brief but furious, with Luke winning soundly

(and yes, I did deliberately inject aspects of the Obi-Wan/Anakin relationship and decline into Luke and Ben’s, if Kylo Ren’s story is going to mirror Vader’s so to should his fall)

though this all seems like should be the end of it, in truth this is the beginning of the end, Luke orders Ben to return to his hut to meditate and think on his actions, in a combination of attachment to Ben and an attempt to not act rashly, Luke is not taking this situation as seriously as he should, he’s not seeing Ben as the person who gave into anger and attacked him, Luke is still seeing Ben as his nephew and student

ut now Luke is questioning everything, he fears he has made a mistake, his love for Ben is clouding his mind, and after a little while he heads for the hut Ben stays in hoping to try and resolve this

But what has happened with Ben since the fight?

Well he is mad, he’s stewing in rage, dark murderous thoughts flow freely, self control is out the window, he’s not over the edge quite yet, but its enough for Snoke/Palpatine to use to create a disaster, they cultivate these dark thoughts, amplify them, even in Ben’s dreams knowing it will just take one wrong person in the wrong place and wrong time to set everything off

And thus, as Luke enters the hut hoping to speak with Ben and resolve things, he’s hit by darkness in Ben’s mind (Snoke/Palpatine probably took care to make sure that Luke was able to see such), and those thoughts, in tandem with Ben’s growing violent behavior and the fight just a few hours earlier, Luke seriously considers the unthinkable...

And from this change in context, Luke contemplating killing his nephew as we seen in the TLJ flashback is less out of the blue and instead shows that this is the culmination of a low point in the relationship

Of course, all of this wouldn’t exactly fit in a single movie’s runtime, but it just goes to show what disney should be doing with the sequels, expanding on the context to help improve them

I had a few other ideas but they’re not really about the Luke/Ben relationship, more just ideas for “if this was a show”, stuff like ongoing plots, arcs, other characters, etc

[summercourtship]

Um… hi Kyra! Be prepared bcs this will be a long one…

So, I finished KCU about four months ago, and let me just say that I think it’s a masterpiece, everything about it is perfect, one part in particular that I loved was how relatable the reader was (Believe it when I say it, it is HARD to do that, especially when you don’t know WHO is reading) I could definitely see myself doing exactly what she was doing! I loved how possessive Kylo Ren was and how he as also extremely conflicted about the reader herself, you managed to portray his turmoil really well! A part that BROKE me was when Leia was talking about how he got his soulmate phrase… Damn… you’re telling me this kid, that already thought of himself as a monster, was super happy that he HAD a soulmate, because that was a confirmation that he could be good and be loved unconditionally by someone, only to have his hopes CRUSHED when HIS MOTHER read to him what it said???!!!! DAAAANNGGG GIRL!!! You woke up and chose violence!!!!

But anyway, let’s get to the point that I wanted to get… ahem… if you’re comfortable… AND ONLY IF YOU’RE COMFORTABLE… (if not, ignore this part all together) I wanted to know if you have plans to continue it, i have been searching in your profile (stalking) for a reason why you stopped(not that i am obligated to have one!!) and the only thing i could find was that you stoped writing for KCU was bcs you felt that people wanted to end in a certain way and you didn’t (I could be wrong btw it has been a long time since I saw it) and that’s so sad! BUT I am really happy with the chapters we have! I love re-reading them! In the end you should put yourself first, if it’s not making you happy then you should not stress about it!

Also… if you don’t have any plans for it… I think it would be really cool if showed some BTS! I saw the other ask saying the same thing about STBOTDI (amazing fic btw) and i thought “hey it would be pretty neat if she did it for KCU too!” so if you’re feeling generous, feed this starving woman?

Anyway! thanks for listening to my rant! Thats all Folks

oh, kingdom come undone, my beloved. thank you so much for your kind words- it's been a while since I've looked back on KCU. I'm pretty sure I cackled when planning the part with Kylo's soulmark and the revelation about how it appeared because it's so sad lmao.

I do have plans to continue it, eventually. I want to go back and edit earlier chapters (and truly EDIT them, like overhaul level of editing) because I want to put it back on track to the vision I had for it originally. A big part of why I kinda fell out of love with writing it is because I felt like there was going to be a lot of people upset that I didn't make "Ben Solo" happen because fuck that shit, I like Kylo Ren bc he's a piece of shit who is sad sometimes not because he's an uwu soft baby who made a lil mistake.

But also, I started writing it in a really hard time- I had been dealing with extreme isolation due to both COVID and some things that happened with my friend group that ended up separating me from them (I had my family and I'm very grateful but there were months before I returned home from my college apartment because I wanted to be independent and believed it wasn't that bad and ended up just... not coping well with that, I'm afraid). I started planning KCU when I was in Pennsylvania for my grandmother's funeral and was writing it while dealing with extreme anxiety and depression combined with the struggles of being on different medications. So, while I do hold KCU in my heart and I love it, I do view it as a time capsule and know that I was writing it to distract myself from and cope with the shit I was dealing with. All of that makes it hard for me to go back to it because it feels very vulnerable, even if it doesn't come through in the text. I don't know if that makes sense.

BUT yes, I would love to one day go back, give it some TLC, and finally finish it for you all. I don't know if I have any BTS I could share right now because I really want to sit down with it and fix it, but once I'm comfortable with the state it is in, I will share.

Thank you so much. <3

[par-slayyy]

Across the spiderverse miguel analysis (spoilers)

So Miguel is definitely projecting onto miles. He sees himself in Miles and it scares him shitless that Miles might succeed where he failed. Miguel is traumatized from losing his family a second time and blames himself that he copes by calling spiderman's tragic events canon. 'It was supposed to happen. There was nothing that couldve been done.' He clings to the idea of spiderman's fate/destiny that he cant handle it when someone steps out of bounds. If it isnt the fate for everyone, then why do some experience this suffering in the first place? If some dont have an 'uncle ben' die, then why did others? Miguel wants to preserve canon events because he fears that altering them for enough people will shatter the spiderverse. But I dont think Miguel realizes that it's not the canon events specifically create spiderman, but spiderman's theme of resilience and responsibility. Every spider person challenges the canon in their own ways from the original/first spiderman, but the constant for spider-people has been choosing between their spiderman duties and civilian life.

The struggle for balance has plagued them across the spiderverse. Sometimes they cant save everyone, but that doesnt stop them from trying. The thing is, not only does spiderman have a responsibility toNew York, but also themself. Being spiderman is supposed to give them the power to do both. Miles is trying to do what Miguel failed to. He wants to have a balance between being Miles, the civilian, and spiderman, the hero. He wants to save everyone, including his loved ones. If Miles succeeds, then what does that mean for Miguel? What was is all for? Why all the suffering he experienced and inflicted? He feels he's gone too far to back out, so he clings to 'canon events.' He insists that Miles is the anomaly despite being the spiderman with, so far presented, the most variation of what it means to be spiderman.

So far, Miguel's origins is filled with questions I havent stopped thinking about: what happened to his original family? Was the Miguel he replaced also a spiderman? How long ago was it? Before or after Into the Spiderverse? Compared to when Miles went to his alternate dimension where he still glitched, why didnt Miguel glitch out of existence in his own alt? Is this why he started assembling spider people? Did the glitch he caused spread to other universes and he's trying to fix his mistake?

On top of observations of him in the film like: He doesnt have a spider-sense. Miguel started telling his origin before gwen interrupted him. Gwen calls him a ninja vampire spiderman but good. The wings of the vulture behind him in the museum was purposeful staging to indicate Miguel to have wings. He almost bit the vulture before the helicopter spotted him. He injects something into his arm. When Miles sees him climb with his claws, he also asks if he's even spiderman. Peter comments that he's the only unfunny spiderman, but in the previous film, he was just as witty as any other spiderman. Also in the end credits, he was already working on stable inter-dimensional travel. He had returned from somewhere to learn about what happened to the collider and miles.

Miguel's origin and even status as a spiderman is up in the air. He's hiding information about himself. He might be more of an anomaly than Miles. Miguel might not believe himself to be worthy of being spiderman but keeps going and wont stop until he meets his end goal. Whatever it is, Miles is either in the way or a mirror to Miguel and it terrifies him.

It's also interesting how these films deal with grief. The prev dealt with kingpin unable to accept that he scared his family and they died in fear of him. Kingpin created the collider to take his family from a different universe. Miguel also lost his family, for unknown reasons, and thought he could step into one from another universe. Both caused a tear in time and space.

[semper-legens]

193. The Changing Man, by Tomi Oyemakinde

Owned: No, library Page count: 382 My summary: Ife is a scholarship student at the prestigious Nithercott Academy - and she's not dealing with the pressure of being one of the few working-class Black kids in school. But something strange is afoot at the school. Kids are disappearing, and either they come back...different, or they don't come back at all. With outcast Bee and brother of one of the missing Ben at her side, can Ife solve the mystery of the Changing Man? My rating: 3.5/5 My commentary:

I was expecting this one to be a bit more...horror, than it was. That's not a criticism, it was just a surprise. Urban legends and cryptids are an interest of mine, so this story about the 'Changing Man', a being that supposedly lurks around Nithercott and takes lonely kids, is right up my alley. I found it to be really fun, honestly, if a little weird at times. But I'd prefer weird and fun to polished and boring. It was a good read!

Ife, our protagonist, is one of those classic heroines of this sort of story. She's struggling under pressure from both her parents, who expect great things from her, and the school, which might expel her if her grades are poor. She also feels disconnected from her home and friends - an attempt to smuggle herself out to see her best friend fails, and she's increasingly isolated as one of the only Black kids in a sea of white posh kids. If you've ever been a lonely teenager (which, let's be real, most of us have) you will relate to Ife. She's isolated, awkward, and troubled even before the Changing Man nonsense happened. And I find her to be a really credible protagonist. She's in over her head, and has a lot of moments where she's overwhelmed or breaking down over everything she's seen and done. She makes mistakes and further alienates herself from the kids that would naturally be her allies. But she keeps going, she keeps fighting, she doesn't back down, because she sees an injustice and she can't give it up. I loved her a lot, even if her narration was a little selfconsciously teenagery at times, the narrative leaning on a few teen cliches to characterise her in the earlier parts.

I also really liked her friends. Ben is the brother of missing kid Leon who bears a lot of guilt over Leon's disappearance. He's a weird kid, a bit of a delinquent but not a bad person, and adds a sort of quirky charm to the proceedings. Bee, meanwhile, is an awkward ambiguously-autistic nerd who finds herself alone because other people often find her offputting, and she latches onto other social outcasts to befriend out of a sense of desperation. They're both credible teens, and despite how I'm describing them here, they don't really fall into any of the classic Teen Story stereotypes. Sure, Bee is an awkward nerd, but her love of the school's history and self-awareness about Ife being cold to her at first elevate her. Ben is also complicated by his love for his brother and his big heart. They make a really cute trio!

Finally, let's talk about the Changing Man. Not the alien cryptid creature that forms the centre of this story, but the idea of change as a whole. Ife is worried that, being at the Academy and separated from her old friends, they will change without her and grow to not like her. She's also worried that she will change, and be left behind. The kids who disappear come back as pod people who act exactly as they are supposed to, a change that is clearly unnatural. Change is a huge theme, and the shapeshifters preying on the kids just underscore the point. Change is inevitable, and not necessarily to be feared, but too much change too quickly can be a red flag. The messaging is obvious, but not so on the nose that it gets in the way of the story, which I liked. Overall, it was a good story! I'm glad I picked it up.

Next, the pharmacist in a bunker beneath the world is facing a moral dilemma.

[annieintheaair]

Look, I don't mean to frustrate but I always make the same mistakes cause I'm bad at love

I’m doing my safety demo this morning and there’s a screaming baby to my left and a group of people speaking in Spanish to my right. I’m trying hard to listen to the whisper that is the PRAM but it’s a struggle. Background noise when I need to listen has always been difficult for me. I think it is for most people who have full hearing but for me, it’s so much worse.

I don’t think about it much because it has always been part of my life for as long as I can remember. I do things without thinking— like turn my head to listen or sit at a specific seat at a table that offers me optimal hearing. Having hearing loss really has its challenges at times but it’s what’s normal for me.

One thing I really try to avoid is large groups. It’s hard for me to socialize with many people at once. It’s best for me to be with someone one-on-one or with a small group. It’s stressful for me to be in an environment where I can’t hear well and end up spacing out because I feel like I can’t be part of the conversation. I feel bad when I can’t participate or people get offended that I can’t converse with the entire group and have to focus on one person at a time. It’s not until people make a big deal out of it that I really notice. It’s just what I’m used to and the adjustments I automatically make in my life. I hate being forced into situations like this where I’m uncomfortable and frustrated by my lack of hearing.

Even in college, there were times when I’d go to a party and get overwhelmed. I didn’t have any hearing aids back then so it was even harder for me. I stopped going to clubs and chose to stay home and be the DD for my friends (we didn’t have Uber back then). I couldn’t really avoid fraternity parties but usually found myself talking to one person at a time or upstairs away from the noise. No one ever tried to force me into situations that I didn’t want to be in where I felt uncomfortable because of my hearing loss.

Anyway, speaking of parties, one night in college, Dan and I got into a fight. We had too much to drink (to this day, I still don’t drink Kettle One) and I was so mad that I said I was going to walk home. I guess that was the beginning of my leaving— getting angry or upset and trying to literally walk away. One of Dan’s fraternity brothers, who hadn’t been drinking that night, went after me on his motorcycle. Long story short, he got me on the motorcycle and took me back to the house. Dan and I went to sleep after that and everything was fine the next day. Even though Dan himself didn’t go after me (because he had been drinking), he sent one of his friends after me. They say to think back on things that may have started patterns and that night, the pattern that I learned was that someone would always come after you if you walked away. Of course, now I know that that’s not always true, even though I hope it is every time. You can’t help but wish that you’d turn around and they’d be right there behind you.

The thing about relationships and fights is that over time, you learn the things that get under the other person’s skin. You know what to do or say that can make them really mad and you also know the things that can make it better. Dan knew that if I was having a crappy day, Ben & Jerry’s was always helpful. He also knew that I loved Target and one time put on a Target documentary to cheer me up. We also both knew the things we could say that would hurt each other. 

After we broke up, for what I think was the final time, we both said some awful things. After Dan passed away, I couldn’t remember the password to my MacBook. I tortured myself trying to remember it so I could get back into the computer and reread our text messages. Eventually, when I did, I felt really bad. Between the things I had said to him over the years via text and Facebook messenger, I had so much guilt. I couldn’t go back in time and unsay those things. Rereading, I realized, all the years later, that I could have responded differently and maybe it would have changed the outcome.

I think sometimes we get so caught up in the moment that we forget to look at the overall picture. When we're hurt or angry, it's hard to take a step back and pause before reacting. I can remember myself on my phone or on messenger, typing fast without thinking. While Dan knew all of the things to say and do to make things better, he also knew how to make things worse.

One of the things that drives me completely mad is being ignored. It's like a pot of water on the stove, boiling over because no one has turned down the temperature. Communication is so important for me that when I get shut out, I boil over, and then it's hard to come back from that after becoming water all over the stove, just burning up the surface.

Last night, as I was getting ready for work, I changed out the screen protector on my phone. I got a new pack of four in the mail and wanted to switch it out. I was kind of in a hurry so by the time I got on the bus at work, I realized that there was a bubble underneath where a small speck of dust had been left behind. I thought I'd be careful and lift it up to smooth it out but instead, I cracked it, completely destroying the new screen protector.

Just like the screen protector, I think sometimes you want something to be so perfect that you ruin it. One little thing doesn’t seem perfect so you destroy it trying to fix something that’s not even broken. Could I have lived with the small speck of dust? Probably. Could I have waited for another time to be more gentile? Yes, I think so. But most importantly, could I maybe have been more careful to avoid getting that speck of dust in the first place? Absolutely.

Instead of rushing through things, like sending those messages you later regret, or acting in a moment of frustration and making rash decisions, it's important to remember to slow down, take a minute, breathe, and think it through. Why is that so hard to do sometimes?

There are two types of people: those who think everything is their fault (often because others lead them to believe that it is) and those who think nothing is their fault. Those two types of people usually get together. One is constantly pushing the blame, not taking any responsibility, and the other is letting it all weigh on their shoulders, accepting the responsibility of it all.

Unfortunately, I oftentimes feel that I am the first person, always taking all of the blame. I write here and I go to therapy and think about what I could have done better and what I might have done differently to change the outcome. Just like when I went through the old messages between me and Dan, I'm always trying to learn something more about myself and how I can do and be better next time. Deep down, I know that everything isn't always my fault but it's still hard to accept that when others aren't accepting their own shortcomings.

Someone once told me that when it comes to therapy, people usually go to help them deal with others in their lives who won't go to therapy. Not to say that those who go to therapy don't actually need it but to be honest, I think everyone could use therapy. I stopped seeing my therapist at the end of 2023 because she started at a new practice that no longer accepted my insurance. I decided it's ok to try a new therapist so I'm totally switching it up tomorrow and meeting with a male therapist for the first time ever. The thing is, even if others won't work on themselves, the best thing I can do for myself is continue to work on me.

When we landed back in DFW this morning, the sky was a beautiful rainbow. Even though things may feel a little grey, I know there are always rainbows.

xoxo

Annie

[skullhub]

MUSE PROFILE: Peter Parker (Earth 26496-B)

Name: Peter Beckham Parker

Age: 17

Pronouns: He/Him

Height: 5'2"

General alignment: Lawful Neutral

General personality: Impulsive, Intelligent, Socially Awkward, Anxious, Has a blunt way of speaking, pays attention to details, Energetic, Sort of an insomniac, Puts others before himself, Hard working, Overly prepared for everything.

Family: Mary Parker (Mother, deceased), Richard Parker (Father, deceased), Ben Parker (Uncle, deceased), May Parker (Aunt)

Home: Queens, New York City. Earth 26496-B

Backstory: Peter parker’s backstory is nearly identical to every other spiderman’s story. He got bit by a genetically modified spider that gave him superpowers, lost his uncle ben after he got killed by a mugger, and learned that great power came with a great amount of responsibility.

It wasn't until his junior year of highschool that things really started to ramp up for Peter. For the first time he now on top of dealing with the burglars has to deal with a bunch of superpowered villains that absolutely despise him for multiple different reasons. He’s been struggling trying to adapt to all the new changes in his life, and currently he’s also grappling with his own guilt after realizing his own impulsivity and recklessness possibly created a couple of the same villains he still fights to this day. Despite everything he deals with as Spider-man, Peter still tries to live as normal as a life as he can outside of his heroic duties. He still goes to school, he still has a side-job where he takes photos for the daily bugle occasionally for money, and he’s doing his best to try and have a social life again now that he’s able find balance again.

Extra Info: Peter is sort of Symbiote-phobic due to his traumatic experiences dealing with his universe’s symbiote, both when it was trying to control him and when it had bonded with Eddie Brock. The ladder having traumatized him so bad that now he looks over his shoulder near constantly whenever he goes out by himself.

Peter excels when it comes to science and math but he often struggles with subjects like English or Art due to him not being totally invested in those classes.

He made the spider-signal belt he wears when he was around 15, having gone through a couple prototypes of the signal before he finally settled on the model he wears now.

Peter is often a bit clumsy when he’s not paying attention to the world around him and his spacial awareness is also affected by how tunnel-visioned he gets while doing certain tasks.

Peter recently has not been really paying attention to when he gets injured (like when he gets bruised after a fight or when he gets a small cut somewhere) and he only starts to realize how badly he got hurt either when he touches the injury by mistake, or when the adrenaline wears off after the battle and he finally relaxes. This is not the case for when Peter injures himself to a larger degree however, regardless though he’ll just try to brush it off as “just a little scratch.” To avoid worrying anybody around him.

Peter’s sleep schedule is all out of whack due to everything he has to take care of in the day. So he doesn’t usually go to bed until like around from Midnight to 3am.

[blue-mood-blue]

They tell him that his name is Benzaiten Steel.

They tell him that he’s been shot.

Officially, publicly, his condition is unknown - they haven’t released any details yet, pending the investigation. As he understands it, the investigation amounts to his mother and brother pointing to each other in accusation, both of them held in separate interview rooms of the HCPD while Ben lays in his hospital bed. They were hoping he could give them answers, Ben realizes when the doctor and the officer both hover around his door uncertainly before turning to go.

But Ben doesn’t remember anything. He can’t tell them if his brother in law enforcement went corrupt or if his mentally ill mother finally slipped too far. If it was an argument, or an accident, or which of his incredibly small family is more likely to lie. He wouldn’t have been able to tell them his name if they hadn’t told him first, because Ben hardly remembers anything at all.

It’s the head injury, the nurse tells him at two in the morning while she gives him more pain medication. Not from the blast, which had caught him in the shoulder and was more than enough damage to a body on its own, according to her. He must have hit his head on something on the way down, gave himself a nasty bump and some swelling. Nothing to worry about too much, she added quickly after getting a good glance at Ben’s expression. Just... just the memories might not come back. Hard to tell with these things.

Ben chews over the possibility after she leaves, slipping in and out of sleep. He should want to know, right? He should be searching for those memories, and the way he fit between them. He should be looking for himself... looking for the truth.

There are two people in his family. One of them shot him. He can’t imagine a truth there that wouldn’t tear him in two anyway.

Ben takes a moment to pity whoever it was he used to be - must’ve had a sad life, in the middle of that mess. Couldn’t possibly have been happy, in that little apartment in Oldtown, no one to call or contact besides the people led away in handcuffs. Such a small, tiring existence... didn’t he feel stifled, trapped? He does now. He thinks about going back to that, and he can’t breathe.

Ben looks at the window instead. He can make out some stars, but only a few - it’s hard to see much around the light pollution and the dome. He doesn’t remember, but logic tells him he hasn’t lived the kind of life that’s ever taken him off of Mars; he’s never seen any of those stars, or the planets around them, or their moons - not really. He thinks he might like to, and it’s almost a surprise when the thought comes to him; it’s as if his mind has been cleared of some dome hemming him in, holding him in place, and now there’s room to want. Ben feels untethered, adrift... free. Free in a way he knows, somehow, he’s never been before.

It’s a heady feeling. For the first time since waking, Ben smiles. He could be free. He could reach up to those stars and never come back down.

Benzaiten Steel might not remember anything about himself, but he learns that he’s a good actor. When the officer comes back with more questions, Ben tells them he’s afraid for his life, more afraid because he doesn’t know who or what to fear. “Be honest,” he asks, voice shaking with something (not fear, but the officer doesn’t know that). “Do you think this could happen again? Am I really safe?”

Benzaiten Steel is declared dead, and Ben boards a ship.

~~~

He still calls himself Ben; everything else, he cuts away and leaves behind as deadweight. He’s Ben Nothing, Ben Nobody, and he runs between the stars like there’s something chasing him. He finds work where he can, and he finds that the most lucrative work is the illegal kind. He finds that he’s good at it, charming people with a smile or disarming them with a few tears, and then liberating them from whatever they have in their pocket, or safe, or bank account.

Ben is happy. Ben is competent, secure, well-liked in the circles he moves through. Ben is as free as he ever wanted to be, in this life or any other. And if he feels like something unnamed is breathing down his neck some days, well, he is a thief, isn’t he? There’s always someone after him, law enforcement on several planets at least. If he avoids Mars and anywhere too close to that little, red planet, it’s his own business. There’s not much on Mars, anyway; only the Cerberus Province and the connections he could make there, and it’s a small sacrifice to make for all of the things he gets to see.

Ben isn’t lonely. He just feels a little adrift sometimes.

And it’s years before anything catches him.

He has a jewel that toppled a dynasty with the conflict it caused hidden in his pocket, and he slips into a dark, mostly empty theater to wait out the afternoon and the authorities. He already has a spot waiting for him on a ship traveling several planets away, but it won’t take off for hours. He has plenty of time.

Ben pulls out his comms to waste some hours, ignoring the movie playing on the screen; a kids’ movie, probably with the hope that whole families would make the effort of taking a trip to the theater to spend time together. It was a bad gamble, with the only person there other than Ben asleep in a chair in the corner. Ben snorts; kind of a stupid thought, that anyone would bother when they could stream whatever old movies they wanted directly to their home.

He’s in the middle of a game when he looks up at the screen. There’s a woman fighting a dragon, and he isn’t sure what caught his attention until it happens again.

“Andromeda!” someone on the screen yells.

Ben’s head hurts.

Andromeda! a younger Benzaiten yells. He can feel the warm sun beating down on him, the familiar sounds of shouting down a street somewhere too far away to worry about. His voice, thin and reedy and so young, makes its best attempt at a growl. You will never escape me!

“You will never escape me!”

His head throbs, and he could cry with how much it hurts.

I do not intend to run - I will stay and fight, because good must always succeed! Someone with his face answers back, swinging a sword made of paper towel rolls and too much duct tape, and then breaks from the script: And I’m faster than you anyway, Benten, so I can escape whenever I want to.

For a moment, he rests on the divide between Ben and Benzaiten. If he tries, he could pull back - but he also knows he could no more let go of that voice than tear his own heart out.

Juno. A knowledge from the long-dormant pieces of him whispers an answer he doesn’t ask for, as it drags the whole of his messy, painful history with it. That’s Juno. Your twin. Your family.

Benzaiten is still crying, hurt radiating from his head and his chest, and there’s no one around to care so he doesn’t stop. He watches the stupid movie three times, then boards a ship and tries to hide the evidence with makeup and a bright smile. He’s two planets away by the time he thinks about going back, all the way back, and by the time he’s three planets away he’s decided that it would be a ridiculous idea.

It’s been years. Fuck, it’s been so many years. Does Juno live in the same place? What if he’s married now; out of the two of them, he was always the one looking for someone to hold onto him. Would he even want to see Ben?

The answer should be yes, but Ben’s not an idiot, he knows reality is more complicated. Juno buried him, and mourned for him, and maybe even started to heal - and Ben had run. Run without looking back, leaving a death certificate and open wounds behind him.

Is Sarah still alive?

The question stops him cold, staring through the window and the pieces of galaxy he’s passing. If Sarah is alive, he would have to see her, too. That’s a promise he made himself a long time ago - that he wouldn’t choose between them. He was the one who held the family together. He’d always been that.

The Benzaiten in his head, the person he isn’t sure he is yet - anymore - tells him she loves you.

Ben, here and now, tells him she shot you.

Both of those things are true. And when Ben pulls away from the window, he tells himself that’s what he’s afraid of, that someone he loved hurt him and could do it again, that he might let them in the foolish, stupid need to find out if the love was still there somewhere under all of the hurt. To know trying hard enough could mean getting better.

If there’s another fear, if he can feel the gravity of Mars pulling him back and down and heavy, he doesn’t let himself think it. And he’s gotten pretty good at deception, so he might even believe it.

~~~

Ben dances more, when he remembers dancing. Nothing feels as free as the movement, as his total control over it. Not even the stars.

How much of his running was escape, and how much was just running?

~~~

He still calls himself Ben.

He has his reasons. “Benzaiten” is too memorable, and sharing a face and a last name with a sibling seems like a really good way to get that sibling into trouble. There’s a reputation in place already with the name he used. There are days when he doesn’t feel like he fits in Benzaiten’s life. He finds plenty of reasons.

He doesn’t visit. He thinks about it, comes close - as close as a planet and one ticket fare away, once - but Ben can’t bring himself to step foot in Hyperion City. Hyperion belongs to Juno, somehow. He was the one who stayed (I do not intend to run - I will stay and fight), and going home feels like... trespassing. Ben knows Juno wouldn’t say that. It doesn’t stop him from thinking it.

Hyperion City has a newspaper, though, and a subscription service that seems a little optimistic in its range. Maybe not all that optimistic, since Ben regularly takes advantage of it - between jobs, and only on his personal comms. Most of it has nothing to do with him, but he skips and skims through the digitized pages anyway, looking for whatever hints of a life he can find. Juno is a private investigator now, which doesn’t surprise Ben. There’s an engagement announcement and no following marriage announcement, which does.

(Sarah is guilty, and dead, and he doesn’t know how he feels about that. He doesn’t linger on the thought.)

Sometimes, when he feels brave, he imagines what it could be like. So what’s this about a gala at that new art gallery? You know, the one that lasted a whole night before it got blown up?

Juno’s laughter from the other side of the comms connection, maybe a little too young. Uh huh, I heard. The HCPD put it all over the news, along with how they saved the day. Or didn’t you hear that part?

They can say whatever they want, I know a Juno Steel case when I see one. Now, Ben adjusts on the bed, miles and miles away, glancing at the window to see if he can get a peek back the way he came, tell me everything.

Maybe the next time you come to see me, Juno says, and just like that the thought disintegrates. He can never put too many words in Juno’s mouth; there are just too many things he doesn’t know.

Ben gets lucky one day and sees a whole half a picture of Juno, looking out on a crowd. He’s not the focus - he’s standing next to some politician in the middle of a speech, a Ramses O’Flaherty who makes a lot of promises that sound like the “too good to be true, but wouldn’t it be nice” kind - but Ben will take what he can get. He can’t decide if Juno has more or less scars than he would have expected, given his line of work. He wonders how they all got there. Juno is standing on the stage with the politician; he must buy some of those promises to put himself so clearly in the man’s corner.

There’s a kind of worry in his gut about it, but Ben tries to take it as a good sign. The Juno he knew had a hard time trusting people; it would be nice if he’d found someone to believe in. It would be nice if that trust is well-placed.

Ben has to leave his comms behind for a job, taking a burner along instead, so he gets the results of the election at the same time he gets the announcement of O’Flaherty’s death and the conspiracy over Newtown. It doesn’t have to mean anything - just another politician who wasn’t what he seemed to be, or didn’t manage to hang on long enough to make good on his promises. That’s all it is.

He still looks for Juno in the stories he reads. He can’t seem to find him, anymore.

~~~

For the first time since they were nineteen, Benzaiten sees Juno across the room.

For a moment, he feels like he’s seen a ghost. A ridiculous thought, from the dead twin.

Juno Steel is so far away from Hyperion City, talking to Zolotovna in a resplendent dress as if he’s lived the kind of life that makes him belong, immediately and implicitly, among the disgustingly rich. Ben, who is there for a reason, he knows he’s there for a reason but fuck if he can remember why, tries not to make it obvious that he’s staring. He’s failing at that, he knows.

But Juno is here. Juno is here in the room with him, so different than he remembers, with so many more scars. With one less eye. Ben wants to ask when that happened, wants to demand that story, just as much as he wants to fade into the crowd and run.

He feels untethered; he feels like, if he runs, he’ll never find his way back again. Just this once, Ben lets himself understand that the tug of gravity pulling him back was never a leash around his neck as much as it was a rope around his middle - giving him a way back home. Juno had always been his anchor, keeping him from drifting too far.

There’s no going back, now. There’s no going home, no home to go back to.

Juno’s glance turns in his direction, and Ben is about to duck out of the way - an amateur move, guaranteed to catch his sibling’s eye, but he thinks he can be forgiven for being a little bit off his game - when Ben realizes he’s not who Juno is looking for. A man slips by him, tall and confident and familiar in a way that tells Ben exactly why he should be familiar. Juno can’t seem to help the way his face changes when he spots the man.

So the thief grabbed at Juno’s heart and pulled him away from Hyperion. That’s why Juno is here. It’s... infuriating, because there’s no way a common con deserves Juno Steel. Because it was never a thought in Ben’s head that Juno could be convinced to leave Hyperion, and he never thought to ask. (I do not intend to run. Running was Ben’s job.)

Ben is ready to do something stupid. He’s halfway across the ballroom, walking directly towards his brother well and aware that the impact will cause an explosion of a scene, when he sees Juno tilt his head.

There’s a comms in his ear.

Ben has been a thief long enough to recognize the habits of another thief - especially a new one.

He doesn’t remember what he came to this event for, but there’s nothing, mark or prize or job, that Benzaiten wants more than to understand the stranger in the dress who almost has his face. If he breaks something with an impulsive decision, he thinks as he continues to cross the room, well - wouldn’t be the first time.

He’ll let himself be selfish. That’s what Ben does.

[cafedanslanuit]

♡   —   pairing: kazutora x reader

♡   —   summary: after a long day at work, you want nothing but to spend a calm night with your boyfriend. however, you have no idea this is the night were all his demons finally get the best of him.

♡   —   tags/warnings: female reader, angst, breakups, hurt feelings everywhere, mention on mental illnesses and nightmares, based on ben platt’s song ‘carefully’, mention of tora’s job in one of the future timelines.

♡   —   a/n: i enjoyed writing kazutora so. damn. much. also, i’m quite proud of this one and the small details i added~ thank you @ofoceansandtombstones​​ for being my lovely beta <3

♡   —  masterlist

And all this time you've had a gentle way of holding me

So could you please release me that way too?

— “carefully” by Ben Platt

“It’s open, come in!”

The first thing Kazutora sees when he opens the door of your apartment is you, kneeling on the kitchen floor and picking up pieces of a broken baking dish. Red sauce has splattered everywhere and his mind betrays him for a second, imagining an accident far worse than what has truly happened. He blinks twice and starts to notice the small details that finally slow down the fast beating of his heart. There are pieces of chicken breasts next to the open oven door and what he thinks are sliced carrots next to your right knee.

You hiss when you pick up a piece of the shattered glass, the sharp end pinching your finger. Kazutora comes back to his senses, widening his eyes as he realizes he’s just been standing there.

“Hey, let me. You’ll cut yourself,” he warns, walking up to you. Grabbing both your hands, he eases you into your feet and then guides you to the living room. “I’ll take care of it,” he promises as he goes back to the kitchen and starts cleaning up the mess.

You let yourself fall on the sofa with a loud thud and let out an exasperated sigh.

“I just had the most awful day,” you whine, taking off your apron and leaving it on the arm of the sofa.  “Work was hell, I got scolded by something that I didn’t do— like always, only this time my boss was all like: ‘You gotta be more careful, we wouldn’t want to lose such a valuable employee’. Like he was going to fire me over someone else’s mistake?!”

Your voice is getting louder by the minute and you take advantage of the fact Kazutora is in another room to keep the volume. You have been waiting the entire day to see him and vent about what a trainwreck you day had been. Just as always, he listens intently, the only noise coming from the kitchen being a soft scraping sound as he picks up everything and throws it to the trash. 

“Then, I went to the store and of course they had run out of basil. Tell me, how does a store that big run out of basil?” you ask. There’s no answer from the kitchen so you continue. “I mean, yeah, I could have gone to another store but my feet were killing me. I’m just not meant to work in heels the entire day,” you sigh tiredly, swinging your feet.

You reposition yourself, now sitting cross-legged on the sofa. Putting your right hand on your left shoulder, you stretch your neck, feeling your sore muscles releasing a bit of tension with a small ‘pop’.

“I ended up preparing something entirely different than I had planned for dinner. I tried to let it go but just as I was going to put it in the oven, it slipped my hands and—”

“I think we should break up.”

Words die in your lips the moment you listen to your boyfriend speak. The silence becomes loud and abrasive as you struggle to understand what was happening. Why was Kazutora breaking up with you with such a small voice? What had triggered him to come to that conclusion? Why had he decided to bring it up now? You turn your head to the kitchen door and watch him slowly make his way towards you, doubtful steps as he takes a seat on the other side of the sofa, avoiding your eyes at all costs.

“What?” you ask, your voice hoarse. His lips form a tight line and you see him swallowing nervously.

“I’m not doing okay— haven’t been for a while. I— it’s been two years since I left prison and I still haven’t— I don’t— I don’t know what I’m doing,” he explains, looking down at his hands.

You nod slowly, trying to comprehend where he’s coming from. Turning your body towards him, you take a deep breath before speaking.

“It’s okay not to know,” you assure him in a soft voice. “Just… take it slow. One day at a time and then I’m sure you’ll—”

“I haven’t been sleeping well,” Kazutora confesses and you notice his voice wavering a little. “I— I keep having nightmares about— about that day and— and also about the motorcycle shop. Those two mix up and…” he takes one of his hands to the side of his head, his fingers grazing his temple. “And I’m hitting Baji in the head. And there’s so much blood— so, so much blood and—”

Leaning forward, you take his hands. They’re shaking and extremely cold and you rub your thumb over his knuckles, trying your best to soothe him.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe now, Tora, you’re—”

Kazutora pulls his hands away hastily, leaving a tingling sensation on your palms.

“I can’t!” he says as he shakes his head. You spend a moment looking at your empty hands, never before having felt your boyfriend’s rejection. “I feel like I’m drowning and— You know what? I think relationships just aren’t for me,” he shrugs, his hands moving in exaggerated gestures. “That’s why I never cared for dating, never got myself involved in that kind of shit, not until—”

He finally looks at you and, fuck, you wish he didn’t. You’re not sure if you have the strength to deal with such hurtful discourse. You lick your lips and take yet another deep breath, deciding to ignore his hurtful remark.

“I’m… so sorry you’re feeling this way,” you say, slowing down your words, trying your best not to show how hurt you were. This isn’t him, you tell yourself. So no need for that tightness in your throat. “But you have to understand it’s not because of me. It’s because of everything that you’ve gone through and how hard it’s to deal with them. I don’t blame you, it is hard. But this… us,” you gesture to the both of you. “This is a good thing. Despite all the pain and hurt we’ve both been through, we—”

“Please, stop,” he says, raising his hand and pressing his eyelids together. “I can’t be with you anymore. That’s it, that’s all—”

“So you don’t love me anymore?” you counter. You scoff in disbelief, shaking your head. Kazutora’s eyes shoot open and you notice his pupils shaking in fear, like a deer caught in headlights.

“I love you,” he breathes out, and for a moment you see the boy you fell in love with in his amber eyes that are quickly filling with tears. “I do love you but it’s killing me. I feel like I’m dying,” he chokes out. He looks away from you once more and starts tugging at his fingers. “I’m rotting inside and I don’t know what to do to make it better. I just want it to stop. I want it to stop and— I don’t want you around when I’m like this. I want to figure out what the hell is happening and—”

“But if you love me and I love you then why—”

“I’m not happy with you!”

Kazutora widens his eyes, scared by his loud outburst. He parts his lips, silently muttering nonsense as he tries to come up with words that can make it better. You lower your head and he wants to punch himself over it. He doesn’t want to make you cry, not after everything you’ve done for him. Is he really going to be the person that hurt the one that made a home for him in her embrace? Is he going to hurt the only person that was brave enough to pick up the pieces of his shattered soul?

“I’m…” he babbles, in a soft voice. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

You snort. “No, you really did mean it, Tora.”

He can sense the hurt and sadness in your voice, even if now you’re the one that won’t look at him. He watches helplessly as you stand up and walk towards the living room window in complete silence. The apron you took off is still on the couch and the vast memories of all the times he embraced you while you were wearing it quickly fill his mind.

He wishes there was a way he could keep you. But no matter how much he wants to, he knows there really is no other way. He’s thought about this countless times. He has gone to work without getting proper sleep, stared at his blank tv screen for hours on end, trying to come up with a plan where he could keep you. Was staying with the person he loved the most too much to ask?

No matter in how many shades of light or with how much care he handled the memory of you, the only way he could spare you the greatest amount of pain was to leave you— even if he knew he’d end up shattering your heart as well.

Kazutora notices the way your fingers tightly close around the edge of the window, your knuckles turning white. He had come to terms that he’d lose you today, yet he never expected for it to be this way. It doesn’t matter, he tells himself. If hating him would mend your wounds faster, then he’d take it. Anything that would make the heartache he was causing you a little bit lighter. He knew you were the last person on Earth that deserved to go to bed carrying that much pain in her soul.

Looking out the window, you focus on a small girl walking her dog on the street. It’s a brown labrador and by the size of it, it’s barely a puppy. Rather than walk, it jumps on its four legs, his little head looking back at the girl every chance he has as he happily wags his tail. The pet shop Kazutora and Chifuyu work at immediately comes to mind. Would it be like this from now on? Small things eliciting memories of your days together without your consent and leaving a sour taste in your mouth?

You will need to find a new commute, you think, as you had been stopping by the pet shop on your way home for the past year. Is there another bus that you could take? As you try to remember the lines and their respective routes, you’re engulfed by the memory of the first time Kazutora dozed off with his head resting on your shoulder as you rode the bus together. You close your eyes and you can clearly see his peaceful expression and slightly parted lips as he slept, his fingers tightly intertwined with yours. His breathing is slow and his hands are cold and you wish you could go back, even for a minute and place a kiss on top of his head, since you wouldn’t be able to do so from now on.

Where exactly had you failed? You had just been complaining about your day when he dropped the bomb. Did you complain too much? Did you talk too much? Or was it you the one that was too much? You tried your best and supported him as much as you could but as it turns out, it hadn’t been enough. Good intentions were nothing but useless as you were now saying goodbye to the man you had loved the most.

You didn’t realize you were crying until you felt Kazutora’s cold knuckles against your cheek, wiping your tears. You gasp, startled by his touch and take a couple steps back until your back hits the wall. It takes a few seconds for him to bring his hand now, unsure on what to do next.

He looks so scared and small— it fills your heart with frustration. Your whole body is screaming to take a step forward and comfort him, cradle him in your arms like so many times before, assure him he’s safe with you and that he doesn’t have to worry anymore. That, if you can still go home to each other at the end of a bad day, you can take anything life throws at you.

But that’s the thing. You’re not each other’s home anymore. You don’t get to bury your face in his neck and hum happily when his perfume reaches your nose. You don’t get to have him take a nap on your lap as you watch a series or feel his lips ghost against yours seconds before colliding in a kiss.

You hate it. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, crossing his arms in front of his chest and looking down at his feet. “Please, don’t cry.”

“You know what, Kazutora?” you say, wiping your tears with the back of your hand. You taste venom in your words, yet that doesn’t stop you. “If you’re not happy with me, then what are you doing here?”

He flinches at your words. Biting his inner cheek, he nods, still incapable of holding your gaze.

“Yeah, okay,” he mutters. “I’ll go. I really am sorry.”

Kazutora turns on his heel, walking towards the door. Maybe it’s the way you know he’s not coming back this time that makes your desperation afloat. You don’t want him to go and you also know you can’t make him stay. And even if somehow you could find a way to keep him by your side, it would be worthless.

He’s just not happy with you.

“Are you happy somewhere else, though?” you ask, your words leaving your mouth before your head has time to process them. He stumbles on his feet and stops. “Because if you just can’t manage to be happy, then it’s not on me.”

Kazutora doesn’t have to turn for you to know he’s second guessing himself. The next seconds feel like years as he just stands there, mid-way to the front door, thoughts so messy and loud you can almost hear them.

“That doesn’t matter,” he finally says with his back to you. He closes his fists and you see his shoulders rising and falling as he takes a deep breath. “This way you don’t have to deal with... with the mess I am and—”

“Oh, please, I knew what I was getting into when I started dating an ex-convict.”

The weight of your words fall onto you the moment they leave your mouth. You squeeze your eyes shut, muttering a curse. It takes no time for you to walk towards Kazutora, standing between him and the door.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Tora, I didn’t— you know I didn’t mean it that way. Fuck, I’m so sorry,” you whimper, tears flowing free down your cheeks. Your wave your shaky hands, desperate to make your point across. “I just wanted to say I knew things would be difficult but I loved you— I love you and I—”

Kazutora shakes his head, a gentle yet sad smile on his face as he takes your hands in his. He holds them in front of his chest, squeezing them gently as they don’t stop trembling.

“Stop, it’s okay,” he assures you. “That’s what I am.”

“It’s not,” you protest. “I mean— yeah, but you’re more than that. You’re so much more than that. You’re caring, you’re noble— you’re so tender with the animals at your shop. You’re so sweet with me, always checking if I’ve eaten and offering to help me out if I have chores I need to do. You always come pick me up if I’m working late. You— you’re so fucking special to me.”

Kazutora’s lips form a tight line. “I wish I could see that,” he whispers.

“Then just— let me try. Let me try until you can look at yourself the way I do,” you almost beg. You let go of the hold he has on your hands to gently cradle his face. “I’ll do anything, but... don’t patronize me. I’m not a little girl. Whatever life throws at me, I’ve always been able to handle it. No— we’ll handle it. Together. Like it’s always been, you and me, I just— please, I don’t want you to go,” you cry. “We were going to be happy together, you were going to live with me and I’d give you half my drawers and half my closet and half… half everything. Please, don’t go. Don’t go, Tora.”

The sadness in his amber eyes only confirms what you’ve been fearing this whole time. You sob, your thumbs softly stroking his cheeks as you feel the world crumbling around you. This time, he doesn’t stop you, letting you cry as you hold his face, coming to terms with the fact he’s really leaving after all.

Your hands move to his hair, gently threading your fingers across his long, dark locks. Tracing the outline of his face, you push one of the dyed streaks away, only for it to fall back right where it was before. You can’t help the small smile that forms on your lips. He’s so pretty, you think, as the pads of your fingers gently caress his face. Your thumb grazes the space between his bottom lip and his chin and you dream of a world when he’s not saying goodbye, but rather falling asleep under your touch on your shared bed. You never knew loving someone as much as you loved him was possible-- yet the way your heart was crumbling in pieces was evidence of how much your soul was aching by being separated from the person it belonged to.

Sniffling, you rub your cheek against your shoulder to wipe your tears. You swallow before raising another question.

“Is this a… temporary thing? Or for good?” Your voice comes out in a whisper as you place down your hands on his shoulders.

“I don’t know,” he answers. He wants nothing more than to put his arms around your body like so many times before, but he’s aware that it will only make things more difficult. “But I don’t want to keep you waiting in vain. You should move on.”

Kazutora realizes how much he hates the idea as it leaves his lips. The idea of you starting over with someone else rots in his tongue. He doesn’t want you to hold anyone’s face the way you were just holding his. He wants to keep you all to himself, to go to endless visits to the grocery shop, to watch you fall asleep during movie night and then pretend you didn’t, to massage your hands as you tell him about his day.

But you don’t deserve the guck that’s forming inside his mind. He knows it’s only a matter of time before it comes out pouring and reaches you. And he’ll be damned if he lets himself ruin the one good thing he’s had in his life for many years. He promised to himself he wouldn’t let his ill state of mind touch his loved ones. Never again.

He watches you nod and feels his heart shattering, even if everything is going just the way he intended. You rub his shoulders and look into his eyes, a sad smile on the pretty lips he would never get to kiss again.

“Okay,” you sigh. “We’ll end this but… when you leave, never doubt how loved you were. No— how loved you are. I don’t know what is coming for either of us but… I do know a part of my heart will always belong to you, no matter who I hold hands with. I will always love you, Tora.”

Your words are enough to finally break him. Kazutora clutches your body tightly against him as he loudly sobs against your shoulder. You hold him, tears flowing free once again as you try and soothe the man you love, leaving small kisses on the side of his head and whispering soft reassurances that it’s okay. It’s not, you tell yourself. It’s never going to be okay. But it has to be.

Carefully, you move him back to the sofa, helping him sit down while he refuses to let go of his hold on your body. You lean on the back pillows, both your arms cradling him while he whimpers like a small child. Kazutora clutches the fabric of your sweater with desperation, wishing there was a way he could stay with you.

Why does he have to give up the person that had put a smile back on his face? He can’t quite remember a time when his stomach had hurt out of laughter before he ever met you. Or when he’d experienced such peace as the night he stayed at your apartment and got to see your sleeping face first thing in the morning. He’s never loved anyone as much as he loves you and, for all he knows, he may never love like this again. 

But he could never risk tainting you. He would never be able to forgive himself.

Kazutora softly pulls away from your embrace. His eyes are blotchy and red and you’re sure yours look the same or even worse. His nose is red, like it always does when he cries. It’s endearing, you think. Everything about him, from his hair, to his eyes, his hands— you’ve come to love every part of Kazutora. And that’s exactly why it’s so hard to let him go.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he says in a whisper, resting the side of his head on the back pillows of the sofa.

“Like what?” you ask, gently pushing his hair away from his face and behind his ear.

“Like I matter to you. Like I’m making a huge mistake.”

You take a deep breath. Imitating him, you rest your head on the back pillows as well, so you’re both facing each other.

“I don’t— I don’t fully understand what you’re going through,” you admit, your eyes locked on his. “But if you need to… get away, then you should. You’ve been nothing but loving to me. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, whether it’s with me or not. You deserve to fully experience all the beautiful things life has to offer.”

Silent tears fall from both your cheeks and his.

“I should be thankful I got to love you for this whole year. Because even if it ends this way… God, I loved you so much,” you sniffle, letting out a small laugh. “And I felt so loved. Isn’t that magical in itself? That we got to love each other at the same time?” you wonder with a sad smile.

Kazutora parts his lips, yet the doorbell interrupts him before he can even speak. You look at the front door, your eyebrows furrowing for a moment before you realize who’s probably there.

“Food’s here,” you say, wiping the tears from your face.

“Food?” Kazutora asks, confused.

“Yeah,” you sigh. “Didn’t I tell you? The baking dish broke so I called that restaurant, the one with the burgers we like.”

“Sorry. I wasn’t really listening back then,” he admits with a pang of guilt. He sits up on the couch and turns his head at you. “I’ll leave you to it, then.”

You sit up as well. “I ordered for the two of us. C’mon, stay for dinner. Let’s… remember us this way, okay? Without so many tears and sadness,” you offer, tilting your head towards him. “I even ordered your favourite one.”

Kazutora rubs his face with his sleeve, erasing the trail of the tears he just shed. Looking at you, he nods, drawing a small smile on his lips.

“Okay. I’ll get it.”

He only walks a few steps towards the door before he feels you tugging at the back of his shirt. Turning around, he notices you’re standing right behind him. Your eyes look up to him, biting your bottom lip and not even a ghost of the smile you previously offered him.

“Before that, uh— I want you to know I… I mean it,” you firmly say, taking in all his facial features, loving how they soften every time he looks at you. “I’ll always love you. No matter how many years go by or if I ever stop being in love with you— I’ll still love you.”

“I’ll always love you too,” he replies, taking your hand and squeezing it softly. “I don’t think I could stop even if I wanted to.”

You finally let out a soft chuckle and squeeze his hand back. The doorbell rings again and you walk around Kazutora to get to it. This time, he’s the one that stops you, not letting go of the hold of your hand. Looking back at him, you notice the soft pout in his lips and how they softly tremble, looming more tears.

“It’s okay,” you assure him, and you know you’re saying it to yourself as well. “Who knows, we might get together again someday. Have our own Casablanca moment. We’ll always have the pet shop,” you joke, trying to fight back to tears that threaten to fill your eyes as well.

It’s Kazutora’s turn to chuckle, only this time he does it along with you. You let go of his hand only to hold his face tenderly, a soft smile as you look at the man you love. Standing on your tiptoes, you press your lips against the beauty mark under his right eye. You feel his hands setting on the small of your back and watch his smile widen when you fall back on your heels.

Locking your fingers with him once more, you open the door.

[ben-101-rewrite]

So do each of the split transformations have a primary aspect of Ben's personality like the 2 bens in "Duped"?

Like would Rath become a representation of Ben's more intense emotions? (because I mean.... well it's RATH)

What would you attribute to each transformation, and how would they handle the tasks they're given, because I'd imagine Brainstorm would do well in an argument with Harangue, while Ripjaws might just be a bit inconvenienced since he can only be without water for so long before he can't breathe.

So each of the aliens isn't really an aspect of Ben's personalities, but instead it's Ben being slightly altered by the alien's instincts and biology. Some more so than others, cause I really like the idea that while each form is still Ben, different aliens make him behave slightly differently. So to explain how each behaves and how they handle their tasks. Big Chill is rather calm, wise, and slightly nurturing due to the event of the baby chills. However, he can get aggressive in a cold and sharp manner when defensive or protective. So at Julie's game, he would be very supportive towards Julie, cheering her on (though rather quietly since he's not a loud alien), but due to Ben being in an alien form, and his fame, many people would be pestering him, cameras flashed at him, and Big Chill would try and hide under his winds, go invisible at times, before eventually snapping and hissing at everyone to back off. Rath is fairly obvious for anyone who's seen him, lol. Loud, aggressive, and willing to fight anything, so him fighting the Forever Knights certainly causes a dent in their plans, being too much to handle. Unfortunately, it becomes a problem when Kevin can't get him to listen, and the two get into some nasty and even personal arguments by mistake. XRL8 has a hummingbird brain, in that he's always having to do something, keep talking and be on the move. So running around dealing with criminals is a fairly easy job for him, but due to how much crime there is, both large and small, even it can overwhelm him. Especially when trying to hide from those that are noticing how Ben seems to be in two places at once, posting photos online. Ripjaws by this point has a water breathing, so he can stay on land for a long time. But today happens to be quite a hot day. So at first, he's able to help his parents, like fixing up the garden, even if they're questioning why he's in alien form. But after a while, the heat becomes a bit much, so they end up all going to the beach to have some quality family time. Goop comes across as flexabile, adaptable, and has a slightly goofy personality, so dealing with fans allows him to keep up a good charismatic charm, and get a lot of people laughing. Also able to stretch himself around to do things with lots of people. But things do become a problem when people either wanna see another alien form, or aren't a fan of dealing with Goop's slime. Brainstorm has a lot of brain power to process, and often speaks openingly, bluntly honest, and speaks what he's currently doing to help process his mind. Doesn't quite have a filter. So he is good at debating against Harangue, which also makes him prideful. But when Harangue gets word on social media that somehow Ben is elsewhere, Brainstorm starts struggling to come up with a reasonable lie or topic to focus on. Upchuck is naturally a hungry fellow, has some poor manners, and basically goes with the flow of things as long as he's happy in the end. He's happy enough to fight Animo, eating up his tech. But after a while it can get very boring and repetitive due to how stubborn and crazy Animo is. Even Animo feels like Ben's off and questions it. Upgrade is calculated, loyal and creative. Taking in details around him and following those he trusts. And given his connection to Galvans, it seemed reasonable to have him go chat with Azmuth, even using it as an excuse to ask questions about the Galvans and Mechamorphs to distract his mentor. But out of anyone it was always going to be Azmuth to figure out something was wrong first, especially about the Omnitrix, and given Upgrade's loyal side, he can't help but let slip what happened. Nanomech is similar to Upgrade, but very loyal to the point that he struggles to say no, due to nanochips being used to taking orders. And once given an order he'll want to see it through to the end, no matter how hard or annoying. But given he also has a mix of human DNA, he'll be very open about his frustration while in the middle of doing a task. So as he tries to find Ghostfreak, he mumbles a lot to himself. And just never finds him in the end. Ghostfreak is quiet, distant, honest and even somewhat depressed. Ben has many conflicting feelings in this form, and due to it's apparent aggression issues, he does what he can to keep it under control. He does have a playful side still, but anxiety can push those feelings away at times. But he is honest in a clear and simple way that doesn't sound harsh, but not sugar-coated as well, hence why he had an actual nice and truthful conversation with Julie.

[thegeekydanishgirl]

What could have been... my thoughts on Star Wars

To me the most obvious critic of the Star Wars sequels is their total disregard of the prequel trilogy. I think it is so obvious that Disney was scared of the backlash that the prequels got back when they came out that they simply decided to pretend that it never happened. I could be wrong but I am pretty sure that they not even once mentions Anakin Skywalker's name, they only ever refer to him as Vader or Darth Vader. Yes you could argue that, that is what his name is for the original characters but are you really telling me that after 30 years they did not learn more about him? That Luke or Leia (or both) did not spend time and resources to find more out about their father! I mean the reason Luke survived the emperor's attack was because he was saved by his father aka Anakin. Luke made a very big deal to say that his father was Anakin Skywalker not Vader and now suddenly he is never mentioned again.

And even if you could argue for the characters use of Vader instead of Anakin, it is in the end because of the direction chosen for the movies and the ongoing franchise.

The sequels had a unique opportunity to do so much because they have all the information. The directors, writers, actors and everyone else involved had all the information from the previous trilogies as well as the clone wars series. The Originals dit not have the same information about the backstory of their characters because this was the first time they were made. In the prequels they had the job to fit into the originals as well as give us so much backstory and world building. And for the sequels to disregard most of that is just a shame, plain and simpel. They had all the ingredients and all the instructions but chose not to use them all and only listen to half, so they ended up with a half baked project with ideas just thrown in there, that sometimes contradicts each other.

It has always been my belief that Anakin Skywalker was the main character in Star Wars even in the movies about Luke, even in the Originals. Just because we didn't know that Star Wars was Anakin's story, it doesn't make it any less true. But Anakin died in Return of the Jedi and therefore the sequels were already off to a rocky start. They should have build on the legacy of Anakin of his downfall and sacrifice. I am not talking about glorifying all the terrible thing that he did or erase his mistakes but they should learn from them. Anakin was a real person and a rounded character. He made mistakes, he hurt and killed people, but he also loved fiercely, he protected and saved a lot of people as well. He isn't just one mistake (granted an epic and deadly mistake), he is everything. He didn't get everything right, he didn't learn all of it all at once. He didn't win every battle that he fought in but he wasn't scared to fight anyway and to learn (most of the time).

Anakin wasn't the perfect hero or the perfect person. But he was a Hero and he was a Villain.

To totally delete him from a Star Wars movie is to delete the very heart of Star Wars. Star Wars is his story and the story of his family, of his legacy. If the sequels had leaned into the legacy of him in the form of Ben/Kylo Ren and how in the original trilogy his legacy and family was the Hero (Luke and Leia), and now his legacy is the villain (Kylo). It would have been very poetic and a good balance but that is not exactly what they did. Most of the characters were one dimensional and their motive to do what they do in the movies are thin or non-existent. And quite frankly I find the idea that only 30 years later a new empirer could take the place of the old one, to be horrible and extremely sad. I would be fine with them still, after all these years, hunting down the last of the empire and fighting to right all the wrongs that had been done by Palpatine and Vader. But I feel like Anakin's sacrifice and the struggles that we saw Luke, Han, Leia and the resistance go through were for nothing. They had to go through it all again! Really! I love Star Wars and I love Disney. Have been a fan all my life of both. And this is not a "x is trash and everyone who likes/loves it is trash" kind of post, this is a "x could have been so much more and the thought of what could have been saddens me" kind of post. If you find my post to be the first rather than the latter then I am sorry. It was never my intention. Normally I would never do such a post and it kinda got away from me and I got a little carried away (obviously). My original intention was actually to talk/write about the scene in the Rise of Skywalker where they erase C3P0's memory as well as the scene where it is restored/given to him by R2D2 but that will have to be another post

But that will also especially be about the erasure of the prequel trilogy as I would have it be connected to this scene:

I have no idea if this post even makes sense anymore but if you have read the whole thing then thank you and if you read it all and actually understood what I have been trying to say, then I am impressed.

All I can say now is:

[rcksmith]

Felling — Five Hargreeves

Request: “Hi love could you maybe do #38 from the fluff prompts for Five where maybe Five is struggling with accepting the reader trying to be like romantic or affectionate with him !!! Thank you I love you !!!!”

Fluff Prompts:

38. “You say you hate it but your red face is telling me otherwise.”

A/N: We not tolerate any pedophilia here!!

I write about Five with their 20s. I write the same about the characters of Harry Potter.

I loved this request so much! I found it so cute and adorable!! ❤️ I hope it got close to what you wanted. I love you❤️

Here I used some fragments of Five's original chronology because it would help with the plot, but guys, keep in mind, please, that he is a 20 or more.

English is not my first language, so I so sorry if have a mistake.

Requests are open. Love you ❤️

Couple: Five Hargreeves/Fem! Reader.

Warnings: Just bad words, it is very fluff.

— — — — — —

The Hargreeves were a family full of wounds, trauma and deep-seated fears. They were trained to be super heroes. Strong, courageous, centered, perfect. And that was why no emotion could be on the way to that goal. Feeling love, passion, affection and affection was the gateway to becoming vulnerable. And a superhero couldn't be vulnerable. So they were denied that their whole lives.

Within each one pulsed a different problem, a different trauma. Denying love to a child only made him develop complications to connect with his emotions, feel empathy and be able to deal with different contrasts in a healthy way.

The Hargreeves brothers' lives were not easy, but some of them found, in the beginning, a way to connect with different types of love; Luther and Alissom for each other, Diego for the maternal love, Klaus and Ben in the partnership and complicity for each other. Vayna found her way in love for her brothers when her biggest internal problems were resolved.

But Five... well, Five was alone in the abyss of the apocalypse.

He did not have a chance to mature his feelings, deal with his psychological and transform the various traumas into something productive and healthy. Then, in the midst of loneliness, devastation and chaos, Five just threw his feelings under the rug until, like his childhood brothers, they stopped harassing him.

As they never had the opportunity to mature, those sensations remained on a primitive level. And his complications to bond with his emotions became even more broken when Five had to kill for the Commission.

Facing death and being the author of such devastation was not a mild endeavor. The smell of death was still in the air if Five stopped to concentrate on breathing, and the murder scenes were still fresh in his mind when he slept. But, just as Five did with any feeling, he just pushed them under the rug once again.

He didn't want to deal with them. They brought, for Five, pains, fears, weaknesses and a constant reminder that, perhaps, he... had failed in many things. And Five hated seeing himself as a failure.

And that was when he came home. And even when the waters have calmed down, when the winter breeze gently touched his face, when he can rest, dealing with feelings was something he still repudiated.

But that's when Five met you, and his whole world was turned upside down. When you first looked into his eyes, fierce, warm heat swept through Five's body, from the top of his head to his toes. The heat immediately gave way to a cold sweat.

Five thought it was just a second of madness, in which his system had given a blue screen for something else, not for you. But as soon as you smiled at him, there was a quick feeling of being stabbed near the diaphragm or in the belly. His composure didn't waver an inch, but he felt like he couldn't breathe.

The situation took on unimaginable proportions. You are going the Hargreeves mansion a lot times , since, what has been said, you were friends with the brothers, and Five lived lost in an agitated sea of ​​exasperating feelings whenever he was near you.

You were brilliant as the sun, smiling as happiness, beautiful as masterpieces and stunning as the evening. You were the personification of…Perfection, was the Five thought at the time. And it almost broke his heart, because he could never have you for himself.

Five couldn't because, as much as he refused to admit it, wouldn't know how. He couldn't because the whirlwind of emotions was a fierce scream that caused a stir in his mind. Five looked at you and saw a masterpiece - sublime and human art at the same time - and he didn't know how to name those emotions. And now, unexpectedly trapped by the intensity, Five was unable to reason properly when he was close to you.

All he could see was an excessively beautiful girl who was standing in front of him as something he wanted very much. And if you understood the state Five was in whenever you talked to him, you would have stopped at the first sentence. No, if you really understood, you would end up running as fast as you could. But you could not understand what Five did not understand.

So he preferred the loneliness of the apocalypse to those emotions that made him feel hot and cold at the same time, which seemed like his stomach was filling with birds, all beating their wings and trying to escape, and then his hands started to shake.

Five didn't know what it was all about, a mixture of emotions; attraction, passion, an overwhelming desire to touch you. But even if he knew how to name it all, he wouldn't know how to act. Five was a genius, he could solve the biggest equations about space and time with his eyes closed, but as a lover, however, he put his feet in his hands.

Five never thought of the most tender emotions without coldness and objectivity, they were great to justify the actions of human beings. But you have revoked absolutely everything.

Over time, it started to hurt physically in Five not to touch you, not to succumb to the most overwhelming wills. And then, one night he took refuge in a bottle of vodka, you walked in the door and it was the end for Five. He got up from the bar, came to you in determined and firm steps, and, sending everything to hell, held your face in his hands and kissed you as if he wanted to do this for a lifetime. Maybe more.

You were the opposite of Five. It was as if you were the heat and he was the ice, day and night. You burned like summer heat and Five burned like winter cold. You were everything Five was not: extroverted, agitated, knew how to deal with emotions very well, you were passionate, caring, loving, you loved physical contact. So when you returned the kiss, Five felt himself burning with your warm touch.

You wrapped your fingers around the black strands on the back of his neck, letting him put your bodies together and the kiss started to heat up. And then you said:

“You're beautiful.”

And that's where Five fell in love with you. He fell in love because when you took a breath and looked into his eyes when you said that, he felt like you could see the depths of his soul, all the secrets, all the sins, all the fears. You knew him, deeply.

Five was no longer able to stay away from you after this event. He always chose your side at a table, he was very less acid in conversation whit you were. And when you two played chess, and he let you win on purpose just to see your happy smile and your eyes shining, he knew was in trouble.

While Five tried to deal with so many new emotions and so many traumas, you were the opposite. You have been in love with him for so long, even when you saw his painting on top of the fireplace, you felt something different. So when you two kissed, came closer, you let your feelings out.

You were a loving person by nature, you loved hugging people, physical contact. You were an incorrigible romantic and, to be honest, you loved being like that. You loved feeling too much.

So with Five it was no different. You liked holding hands, hugs, more tender kisses and also quick hello kisses or bye. You loved touching physically, either way. But being like that taught you that many people didn't taste the same as you. And in the case of the Hargreeves, so broken and lost, dealing with feelings was not easy, especially to express it physically.

But with Five it was… more difficult.

He was very reserved, controlled, closed. You felt perfectly when he went rigid whenever you touched him: any affection on the arm, kiss on the cheek when you had to go to college, hugs.

You started to think that maybe he didn't like you that much or didn't want something serious, but Five was always looking for you. Whether showing up at your apartment, in your room, or going to be near you at the mansion or kissing you. So you ended up realizing that he just didn't handle feelings well.

It was very cold that night, you were in your room with the books and college notebooks on the bed, trying to solve some calculus equations, otherwise you would end up repeating in that subject. Your head was already pounding and you were getting frustrated, it was definitely not for you and your desire was to hit your head on the book and give up.

“What a nightmare.” You mumbled.

“What a nightmare?”

The voice at your side made you scream out in fright, turning to the left and seeing Five standing on the edge of your bed. The distilled moonlight came in through your open window and bathed the man in front of him with a builder in his black hair and alabaster skin, you held your breath, Five was always so beautiful that he should be considered a crime.

His hands were in the pockets of his dark pants, followed by the shirt and blazer from the Academy uniform. Five looked at you with a small condescending smile in the corner of your mouth, and you felt your heart pounding.

“Ah, it's just a college subject.” You sighed, looking at the notebooks in front of you “It's a nightmare.”

Then Five leaned forward, looking closely at your notes.

“You know where you went wrong, don't you?”

You jaw dropped, and you turned to the notebooks with your calculations. That was the only exercise that you thought was correct.

You felt frustration rising from your feet to your head, snaking through your body. You snorted, running your hand through your hair, it had been hours since you tried to understand that misfortune.

“I will never graduate, that's it. I accept the defeat of the God of mathematics.” You grunted, leaving the pencil on top of the books, giving up.

Five laughed softly, sitting beside your bed, still far enough away not to touch you.

“Give me the pencil.” He pointed to the object and you handed it over.

You frowned when Five pulled your notes to him, balanced the pencil in your other hand and redo your calculations at the end of the sheet.

You should have paid attention to what Five was doing, at each step, but the truth was that you got lost looking at him. The winter breeze shook his black strands as if they were a cloth from the night sky, his emerald green eyes were focused, and a slight crease on his forehead indicated that he was concentrating.

Your heart raced, the world seemed to stop breathing and the air took on a caustic and magical intonation. You would show all your shadows if Five showed his, you would do anything to show how sublime he was.

Then Five looked up at you, and the hemisphere seemed to make sense that second. So you leaned over and kissed him. You kissed because there was no cell in you that didn't want to kiss him. Because Five was a young god and you were just a mortal surrendered to his charms.

But you felt his muscles go rigid, the spontaneous physical contact catching him off guard.

Five burned in contradictions. It burned in the hot fire of passion and burned in the icy heat of feelings. Your touch was potent and had an overwhelming effect on Five.

He wondered what would happen if he had sex with you at that moment. Would he burn in your heat or would he be consumed by troubled emotions? Would he feel every part of your body pulse or would he lose himself in the confusion of his own mind?

Five gently parted his lips, still close enough for his breath to hit your lips.

“I feel your tension. Everything is fine.” You commented quietly.

Five just breathed, his eyes confirming to you what his words didn't say.

“I'm sorry for everything you've been through.” You were sincere, and cautiously put your hand under his. “But you have to understand that it’s normal and good to feel emotions. It's okay not to understand them. Feelings are not like math.”

Five felt your touch become more present, and you gently approach. He should have said something, but his body started to contradict his mind and he got lost in a blue shambles. He desperately wanted you. Wanted to fuck you until feel you completely and kiss you until taste love. But he also wanted to get away. He wanted to go away and push all those feelings and emotions under the rug.

But when you sat closer to him, and your hands cupped his face, Five realized he couldn't leave.

“How would you react if I did that..”

Then he noticed your mischievous smile, and before he could say anything, you held him more firmly, and filled any part of his face with kisses that you could reach.

You laughed between Five's kisses and protests. But you only stopped after the twentieth kiss. Five was marked with your lipstick, his eyes closed for you, his face in a warning expression.

“Y/N!” He grunted, wiping his face “Are you crazy?”

But his cheeks were red and you could feel his temperature high from where you were.

You laughed louder, settling on the bed.

“.You say you hate it but your red face is telling me otherwise.” You pointed at his cheeks, waved your index finger between them, signaling.

Five frowned even more, trying to wipe the lipstick marks off his face. But slowly, a little smile was struggling to come to his face.

“You are smiling!”

“You are so childish!” he rolled his eyes, but his voice was soft.

“You love Me!” Then you threw yourself at him again, kissing his face where the marks had been cleaned.

Five grunted, but ended up just resting his hands on your waist, feeling ... relaxing.

When you stopped laughing and looked at him, Five held his gaze. Gently, his right hand went to your face, removing a lock of your hair from your eyes.

“I think you're right.”

His voice was low, like a summer breeze, and yours eyes lit up when you understood the meaning of what he was talking about. But Five didn't give you time to answer, he leaned over and captured your lips in a passionate kiss.

You love him too.

[destielhasmedead]

This is a post about Dean having undiagnosed ADHD by a person who has diagnosed ADHD. Therefore, I’m not a doctor and not an expert, but I know how I react and see many of those qualities in Dean.

Typical things that go along with ADHD are:

Hyperactivity

Hyperfocusing

Stimming

Hyperfixations

Impulsivity

Emotional dysregulation

Black or white thinking

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Trouble maintaining friendships/relationships

Substance abuse

Risky behaviors in general and sexual

*some of these also go along with other neurodivergencies- Ex. Stimming and Hyperfixations. This post is about his ADHD and not another disorder. And not all are needed to have ADHD Ex. I tend to not struggle with substance abuse.*

I’ll just go down the list:

So hyperactivity

This can be seen through fidgeting, restlessness, being talkative, and the inability to sit still.

In this example, it takes Dean quite literally 20 seconds before he gets bored and moves his attention, https://youtu.be/o1eL-3BJihg?t=20 (watch up to 40 seconds)

The clip below shows Sam typing and Dean having to sit in a chair and wait. Dean starts making noises and in less than a minute he is up and leaving to go somewhere else.

https://youtu.be/zvy_IKIHH5k

This might also be an example of stimming.

The definition off google is: “behavior consisting of repetitive actions or movements of a type that may be displayed by people with developmental disorders”

In the video, it is known as a vocal stim.

When Dean gets excited he is also known to stim - at the time I stamped in the link below, you can see his hands wave/tap at the railing. People with ADHD feel emotions more strongly than others do. This is why he may seem happier than usual when he gets pie (when it’s something he has regularly), or in this case, celebrate a holiday.

https://youtu.be/b82JDE0d6C0?t=29

Many of these can go together, such as you may stim when hyperactive, or stim because you feel strong emotions. So, with that in mind, I’m going to bring up emotional dysregulation.

Same as feeling extreme happiness, he also gets angrier over things that could be managed differently.

I hate to do it to you, but I have to bring up the prayer scene.

https://youtu.be/tcNVxm8HAXM?t=89

Specifically, the part where he talks about controlling it. Here is a part from the transcript if you don’t want to watch

“I – Ohh. I don't know why I get so angry. I just know – I know that it's – i-it's just always been there. And when things go bad, it just – it comes out. And I can't -- I can't stop it. No matter how – [Sniffles] how bad I want to, I just can't stop it.”

He is struggling to manage it. It’s an impulse.

And that’s what I’ll talk about next.

Dean is known to get mad, but there are other forms of impulses. Such as his tendency to make rash decisions and just go out on hunts without backup, or make a deal for Sam without thinking through the consequences, or through any part of it really. Also, besides his life, his relationships are also put in jeopardy.

He unnecessarily risks his life when if he waited for Sam or Cas he would be okay.

Risk-taking occurs because of the dopamine deficiency in ADHD minds. For him, these risks often are seen through him making deals for others at the expense of himself.

Part of this risk-taking revolves around sex

He seeks the dopamine high that comes out (sorry no pun intended but) of these situations. Dean has only had a few more long-term sexual relationships, but even those ended fairly quickly. He is prone to one night stands.

Okay, I’m going to switch gears to hyperfocusing and hyperfixations

The difference is the state.

Hyperfocus: This is a highly focused attention that lasts a period of time, but then ultimately goes away. Dean is typically in this state when working on Baby or when they are going after something. Or, how he spent hours building the Malak box.

https://youtu.be/YAkIQb7Xtzo (peep the gay moment)

This is also a state in which someone with an ADHD mind is able to be less distracted and stay on that task.

Hyperfixation: Is being immersed or obsessed with one subject or activity.

So, I can hyperfocus on a hyperfixation.

Some of Dean’s fixations are cowboys and old westers, cars, cult horror movies, and cartoons.

This can be seen in Scoobynatural when Dean knew exactly what was supposed to happen in the episode and things about the characters Sam, who also watched the show hadn’t known.

https://youtu.be/yWRZsq8nQT8?t=221

As well as the numerous times Dean has information on cowboys- one example:

https://youtu.be/nIsxiYkoBKk

Substance Abuse: It’s no secret Dean struggles with alcoholism. ADHD is 5 to 10 times more common among adult alcoholics. I don’t have much to say on this subject, since it’s very obvious he has issues with it. And again, these issues are more relevant for people with ADHD because of the impulsivity, and behavior problems that may occur.

RSD or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: The definition is “a condition in which a person feels extreme emotional sensitivity and pain due to perceived or actual rejection, teasing or criticism”.

Say what you will, but Dean is a very emotional person. Typically, he shows his pain or sadness through anger or alcoholism. Any time Sam does something small, he takes it personally. He gets mad at Cas and feels betrayed for seemingly small mistakes, that for him feel huge.

RSD also contributes to his difficulty maintaining friendships and relationships: He pushes people away when things get hard and before they can get too close to him.

This is shown when he erases Lisa and Ben’s memories. https://youtu.be/rTBCWT9c9lo?t=159

As soon as things might get hard he leaves before they can get mad or reject him.

Black or white thinking: Or, also known as all or nothing thinking, means that an individual thinks in extremes. Your mind doesn’t recognize the shades of grey. It wasn’t really until season 6 or 7 when Dean started to sometimes accept the grey area. But, that was a hard lesson to try and learn.

He saw good and evil - monster and human. Meeting Benny, and later the good that came from Rowena and Crowley helped.

Even with Jack though, even though he hadn’t met the kid, he saw only one half of him. He deemed him to be bad, cause in his mind he can’t see the grey part, which in this case is “he’s half-angel, half-human. But, that doesn’t define his character”.

Overall, in my opinion, this is enough to convince me Dean has ADHD, but, now you can decide for yourself. :)

*these are only some examples - there are more I did not include because this has already taken me 2 weeks to finish*