#and 2 finals im not worried abt
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sweet divinity
#literally have 2 papers due on wednesday#and 2 finals im not worried abt#this is my emotional support baizhu#baizhu save me#save me baizhu#liart#baizhu#outfit from spring festival divine inquiry#bc im STILL not normal abt#it#hes so sexy#and i love the idea of adeptus baizhu#or baizhu ascending to godhood because of his drive and altruism
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色彩 [Shikisai]
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#itafushi#fushiita#yuji itadori#megumi fushiguro#fanart#jjk fanart#megumi#yuuji#finally...some not angst.....#im worried out of my mind fr these two right abt now but we cope we cope :)#i woke up early n rushed to render this bc im leaving 2 catsit today n wont b able to spend every waking hour drawing like i have been#almost uploaded it without rendering megumi's ear and frgetting the sukuna scars so im sure ill find something i missed once i hit post smh#this pose fought me also >:( sighs why when i try to do not angst they do not want to cooperate . do they prefer being hurt#anyway !!!#i dont think any1 Listens when ppl put song links in the caption but if anyone is curious ! colours/shikisai galileo galilei#SO themcore im unwell i say that a lot but i mean it every time#speaking of colours i Love how these turned out but they ended up being a lot more cohesive than i intended GKHSDFK#wanted to have yuuji in warm and megumi in cold but that appears to have blended everywhere but their uniforms Oops#sighs these 2 and their sun/moon imagery r my cause of death. i die thinking abt it#resisted the urge 2 have a lmhs caption but let it b known. i amn Thinking it.#anyway i say ill b away from my drawing tablet but i fully plan 2 uber home one of the days so i can draw#i cant b slacking now the itfs reunion is nigh and i feel nauseous abt it i need to channel the nervous energy#have sketches.......just in case....but we dont Talk abt just in case >:(#itfs nation hold strong <3
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I like to draw nutcracker yaoi for character reasons trust fencer(hurt fella) belongs to @ballcrusher74
#this is dumb yaoi angst but i need to get them out my system#also a wip#i wont post the final product probably because the cringe will catch up but for now i WILL gush abt how silly their contrast could be#metal body damaged wooden body worn#woody just way more emotionally driven because fencer is literally the only nutcracker he can connect with#the silly tendrils bristling as a defensive display but involuntary because hes so scared#woody talks in more broken sentences to fencer because he infers that he can understand him as is a lot better then his human crew#fencer very nonchalant because its not the first time his shits been rocked on the job#i worry this is ooc for fencer so idk how far i will finish it#but ugh i need to stop using these 2 as nutcracker behaviour dolls#SORRY BUT DAMAGE TO A METAL SHELL BEING MORE SIGNIFICANT BECAUSE THE VIOLENT VIBRATIONS#THUSLY WHY NUTCRACKERS IMMEDIATE BECOME EXTRA AGGRESSIVE WHEN HIT WITH SHOVELS#im normal im normal....#woody mimics a human in body heat because the wood better insulates the interior of his body#tw blood#tw body horror#tw gore#lethal company
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nintendo het baiting w sidon and his fiancee only to pull the gayest shit ive seen in a While by having sidon renew his vows w link (they got married at the end of ruta’s quest in botw. obviously. clearly.) and giving him a power that lets him ‘stay by his side forever’. i see you husbands i am so glad your marriage is thriving. good for them. good for them. they also both have two hands for anyone who wants to pull any nonsense im js. there is room for yona she just has to understand link has held sidon’s heart for years first.
#idk it is just genuinely funny 'oh yeah uh this chara that we never met or heard mentioned in botw has been my childhood friend#and also we are engaged.#anyway so link is my best friend and when he went missing i was so worried i couldnt handle it and i love him the most in the whole world-#and also i wish we could stay together forever and he agreed so i used my sage powers to grant him a piece that lets him do that-'#i love them your honor. sidon tysm for taking such good care of my precious son i trust u and u alone w him in my stead#and ik u take that seriously thank u sidon. my king [bows]#totk#totk spoilers#legend of zelda#botw 2 spoilers#mine#sidlink#nah but fr i completed the water temple a few days ago and havent stopped thinking abt it since i loved it SO much#sidon is my favorite descendant by far bc he loves link just as much as i do so getting to fight w him like that#and having him being there cheering link on and encouraging him sincerely meant the world.#and seeing how far sidon himself has grown and aaaaaaaaaaaaa#im not gonna go into details beyond that bc i dont wanna spoil more than i have but. yes. yes i sobbed my EYES out#at the final cutscene of the story quest for the mission oh my GOSH
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quick N to manifest good luck for my math final
#drawing on the puter again..thats why the lineart's a little wobbly#anyways!! im not too worried abt my final. my grade's pretty good and we're allowed a ginormous cue card#pokemon#pokemon black and white#pokemon black 2 white 2#pokemon bw#pokemon bw2#n harmonia#pokemon n#natural harmonia gropius#my art lol#gengar's cool art
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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avoidant tendencies whispering sweet reassurances in my ear like "you'll just wing it" or "put it off. there's pleny of time"
#cant even jinx anything anymore all i can do at this point is rly fuck up by not being prepared so#long story short im like moving to a new place in the next 2 weeks basically#(have never moved before <3 mentally checking out as soon as im not filling out paperwork <3)#and in fucking 3 weeks i have a flight to uk for julia's (yes we are on first name basis) book signing#(have never been been to uk <3 been on a plane literally once <3 dumb and will get lost before i even reach the airport <3)#ok feeling better now. i need to get through this and buy the green gay couch of my dreams etc#if im weirdly stressed abt hacks season finale more than a person reasonably should be. Do Not Worry
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my friend pisses me off soooooo bad
#i text her first to ask abt how her essay is going wish her luck 2 times and she doesnt even like the message or say anything she just#changes the topic and then leaves me on read. okay#plus shes been getting so weirdly paranoid that im talking shit abt her to other ppl just bc ive finally made some other friends that arent#her after 1.5 years of suffering alone at my uni#(which i seriously to be honest do just bc shes been getting on my nerves with a lot of things lately)#but like man . throughout the 1.5 years that weve been talking to each other we havent progressed enough to call each other by#our first names to get the other to turn around etc i dont think we r close enough for me to abandon the wonderful religious practice of#sometimes discussing the things that your 1 friend does that piss you off with your other friends but then still hanging out with them#not because youre some sort of irredeemably evil two faced motherfucker but because thats just a normal part of having social relationships#mp#like i get that insecurity sucks and its a shitty feeling etc but ive literally dealt with this my whole cringe embarrassing childhood &#teenage years LOL like as long as your friends still make a conscious decision to spend time with u & u have fun together#then i think you dont need to worry. which is what i do so#the sun will rise again tomorrow
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planning courses for the next semester is not for the weak
#WHY IS EVERY SINGLE CLASS GOING ON AT THE SAME TIME.#WHY DO WE ALL START AT 9AM AND NOT GO PAST 11AM. PLEASE#please just strart at 1pmplease plase palseasee#i dont wanna take only 3 classes next semester but like erm.#mostly because im a little picky abt my professors. less so for electives but classes im worried about (SPEECH)#ive been pushing speech off for the longest time because i have crippling social anxiety 99% of the time. so i made sure i got a good prof#uhgghg#theres this one prof who does a lot of erm i think sociology classes yeah#she is so chill and nice and uses my prefurred name and pronouns (i really need to get my name chaged in the system uhghgh) but she did uh#the reverse grading and i hated it. everyone did. she was so nice and understanding..#one time i went 2 talk to her about my missing work (chronic pain and fatigue had me bed bound for days on end) and she literally just said#erm u have an A so u dont have to do it.#>@>>@>/1/1/?!?!?#live saver. i had a breakdwon in her office i was literally sobbing telling her about my health issues. it was really hard because i never-#-really talk about it. i didnt realize how hard it would be when i finally did#anywasy what was i saying. yeah i love her so much but not her grading and teaching system. but idk maybe ill try it again she has a gender#-and sexuality class i kinda wanna take because im a professional faggot
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#this isnt like a real vent or anything hfjdh but like#im feeling a little down cus i rly need 2 finally get some new shoes even if theyre expensive#(cus i cant get decent womens shoes in my size anywhere except expensive online places)#& i've found some i rly like but im not sure if i should get them#because i currently live with my mum n im worried she'll make fun of me for buying pink shoes#cus she doesnt seem 2 like me wearing so much pink#n i get rly anxious abt what she thinks of me so idk if i should get some other shoes just 2 avoid that possibility#but i like these ones :(
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i hate drawing plans literally die. build the things by vibes idc
#i still cant finish this project: day 2#i was SO stupid in 2021 girl this building literally does not have a fucking structural system... and the worst part is that#g**** had literally told that to me in the final and i was like yeah sure but it's finished and i prbly wont have to worry abt it later :]#2 years later im fighting for my life trying to revise it. literally no one couldve guessed that i will need this project for portfolio#totally unpredictable and upsetting. ugh#🗒
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i do not want to get out of bed omfg. this week has been so fucking insane im exhausted but we have aprogram tonight until 7 and i have to facilitate and there are a million things to do today
#but i got my p*riod and cotaught on tuesday and broke up w my counselor on monday and a few days before that redacted redacted so im ph#physically and emotionally exhausted but we have this program tonight until 7 and then 2 trainings tomorrow andi have like 2 meetings inbetw#between those. and i just want to sleep and/or lie down w a heating pad bc my cramps have been brutal this time around. literally could#barely get work done on tuesday bc i was in AGONY and forgot my heating pad and no one could bring it to me from home but it s like i have n#nowhere on campus to lie down or get checked out or anything bc im not a student anymore so i need to just writhe at my desk (<- i have one#of those now finally btw 🥹��) and jusf hope i don’t pass out. and i didn’t but it was so bad and im not recovered from it yet. idk.#everything is so much. there are some intense and in some cases horrible things happening. iwwish we had time to pause and process them and#that we weren’t so tired and stretched all the time. i wish we didn’t have all these pressures to worry about. i wish we could just have#time to love each other and check in truly and to support each other bc we are friends before we are colleagues methinks and i jsut want us#to be ok and happy and rested and healthy. idk. augh#delete later#purrs#also i think i am not normal when it comes to cramps btw. i think maybe it might not be normal to be in this much pain. or maybe im just#weak or have a low pain tolerance but i feel like it’s a lot worse than it used to be + i get cramps at Other times too and it’s ummmm bad.#ask to tag#like how absolutely insane that this is a huge part of my life and i feel like i can’t even talk abt it and it’s so embarrassing but it#literaly is like.. every other week im scared that im gonna be unable to function bc of pain but i literally say nothing at all and just smi#smile and pretend im fine and barely talk abt it. i don’t think that’s good or normal. and i think ppl should talk abt p*ripds more so it’s#not as weird or bad or gross or cringe whatever to talk abt being in pain and to accommodate urself or whatever despite other ppl knowing#abt it. cringeeeee augh i don’t want to be one of Those people but like. it’s bad and i fucking hate it
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subnautica is so good
#i love the lost river#also the lil ghost leviathan guy is rlly cute :) he kinda just hangs out and vibes#i was rlly worried abt him potentially attacking me or my cyclops#but ive gone up reaaaal close to him and he doesnt seem to care#anyways i finally found a tank to hatch my cuddlefish eggs in today so im excited to see my babies grow up#i think im progressing pretty well??#im at 28 hours rn and ive found all the pods and every degasi base#plus 2 of the alien facilities#i believe there are 2 more of those?? although im not sure where to find them#i know theyre like deeper im just not sure where i can go to go deeper#i guess probably the deep reef or w/e that area was called?? i remember that had a ton of holes#i got lost there for ages and my prawn almost ran out of battery lmaooo
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To think i didnt gaf about you for months, Leaf from pokemon you have become a dear friend to me. I love you leaf.
#i love the 'to think i tried to kill you 2 times in this quarantine you have become my friend...i love you manuel' post#any time i go from neutral-dislike > like for a character or person that instantly flashes in my mind#when i want my idv teammates to go to hell only for us to have some crazy bonding moment i hear that picture in my mind#and to think i was going to kill us both because you threw the match before this...doctor that threw the match you have become my friend#it does require them to actually fix it though if youre a dick no amount of pinging “lets stick together” is going to make me change my mind#but if you are very cute and actually try to be a good teammate finally...well i am a lover not a hater. what the hell. come here man#lets emote at each other and actually stick together. im not mad anymore but that doctor really will stay with me in my mind forever#top 10 worst to best teammates#as opposed to yesterdays faro lady who genuinely was mad at the rest of us for actually working together and wanting to help eachother.#like actually. i can't even comprehend this. she did 0 communication like all it took is 1 button press to ping her progress but no#she threw what probably wouldve been a win with her total lack of communication. and even then we rescued her.#but when we went back for another person she was in post match complaining that we got a draw for trying to help#1. this is qm bro 2. it was support and actually fun when you have any amt of team spirit 3. ITS YOUR FAULT.#i asked her why doesnt she worry abt the fact she threw the game and she instantly left. girl go to hell.
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Rereading ayaka is in love with Hiroko senpai!!! Last time I read it I don't think it was finished/I didn't finish it but ack. Now I also want to be in love 😭😭😭
#i want to say i want to be someone like ayaka but in reality im probably more like hiroko#i used to be someone like ayaka. i was really tunnel visioned and i didn't consider much aside from the person i was interested in#but it's been years now and there's a lot more to consider and it's. hard and im even more scared now.#i think there's someone who im currently talking with who's trying to figure out if im into women or not and if im available or not#but it's that sort of thing where there's just. a lot in my shoulders and a lot to consider. i want a relationship eventually but.#there's just so much to consider right now. in the past i thought that as long as i could make my partner happy a rx is just btwn 2 of us#but when i did actually get into a serious long term relationship i realized that most people. do expect getting to have in laws.#people for the most part want to be loved proudly and not have to hide it. and i do too. but at the same time. i just. there's so much on me#i almost came out to my dad the other day while trying to console him. but maybe that news would just be the last straw for him. idk.#i just can't really afford to have my life be shaken up much more right now when i just rebuilt some stability.#especially when my parents are having a midlife crisis and both of them are leaning on me. my health worsening also stressed them out too.#i really thought I'd be braver and have less to worry about the older i got and the more independent i became but. ig not.#in my teens i told myself once i reached adulthood I'd be free to be myself and pursue happiness. in my 20s i tell myself after med school.#maybe once I'm finally out of med school and etc I'll have the opportunity to live my life. or maybe by then there will be another reason.#it's a real concern. i mean. sure I've never wanted kids I've always been ace and I've always liked women but. the societal pressure.#to other queer people the gaydar goes off easily but to the cishet audience i've mostly. been able to go unnoticed.#and when you're younger not having a bf or ppl you're interested in and being focused on your studies is a thing your parents are proud of#but as i get older. it's just been harder. i don't know how much longer i have before i have to conform or have the cat out of the bag.#i don't even get it sometimes. i really don't. the expectation of family and marriage is wanting happiness for your child right? but somehow#idk. idk. i really don't know. sometimes maintaining an image. might be more important than your child's feelings.#and i really can't be certain that between ego and saving face compared to me that. I'll come out on top. i really don't know.#idk. idk. i know there are ppl interested in dating me. but idk. i really need some time to process things through.#sometimes i ask myself how i would feel abt it and i really can't figure out how i feel at all.#it's ok to date someone u don't love ig. i mean. I've done it before. you can make yourself like someone after a while. but idk if i.#idk i just. i think im just really scared. and I'll need at least another month or so before anything is back on the table.#it's honestly just me running away from having to deal with sorting out thoughts and feelings 👍👍👍 which i eventually will have to face ig#but if i do fall in love ik i have it in me to sort those things out quickly i think. if im not too scared to let myself fall.#ig i just have to get more used to ppl being interested in me again ack 😭 it's easy to ignore it when dating someone but. now.#and it was fine in the summer bc i wasn't really around too many ppl my age. but. ugh. unfortunately. i do have. a face and a personality.#delete later
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ome day i will be so normal
#thought abt my apartment again sigh. MY CURRENT SITUATION IS NOT BAD RHIS IS NOT THE SAME AS WHEN I WAS IN WA THINKING ABT MY APT#disclaiming bc i dont want 2 worry ppl. im quite happy here im just also excited for when im finally able 2 move out.... i like. truly truly#honest to god think id be able ro shower everyday Which is my goal#like. itll be easier once i live alone and Im the one buying all my shower products and everything#bc rn since i dont have money i have to ask my parents to buy me more shower stuff and i feel so jnsanely guilty. + the general depression#making it hard to shower and all that#but i thnnk once i have my Very own place where i live by myself itll be so much easier to like..do things. bc ill be able tk move abt the#house freely Not that i cant here like im fully allowed i just. Get weird abt everything and ive been doing that even before wa i like#hardly left my room... yk. wa i think actually made it a bit better bc i realized how much i was missing out on LOL. but its still a bit bad#i only leave if i Have a thing to do i never like. Just go sit in the living room or whatever... bc i dont like to intrude#Which is so stupid but whatever. at my apartment i want to try not to lay in bed all day#and my bed will just be for sleeping and ill hang out in my livinf room and itll be all decorated and nice and ill shower EVERY SINGLE DAY !#bc i wont be scared of anything happening (not that anything would here but yk .)#and i might even have a window in my bedroom i used to hateee bedroom windows my family has always been very Blackout curtains#but in wa b4 i was in the garage there was a big bedroom window and it was kinda nice to wake up to sunlight and stuff...#but i also have trouble sleeping if not in complete darkness. so you know..... we will see#also i only want that if im like . Not on the ground floor and its not like a um. If anybody can peek in my windows im getting blackout#curtains im Terrified of being watched through my windows i have nightmares abt ir all the time. Which is funny bc there r no windows in the#garage LOL#i just hate 2 be seen its true. bud all of that will be fixed when i have my apartmenttt :] and in my apartment ill be buying the groceries#so i wont have to feel guilty abt trying new recipes and stuff (not that i have to now bc my family likes trying new recipes and if im being#real i WILL still feel guilty spending money bc i have a complex. but im fantasizing rn so we dont have to worry abt that)#AUGHHH im just excited ik its a ways away but i rly am so excited like :] i would even be able to take baths sometimes i feel rly guilty#taking baths bc i dont like to hog the bathroom but if i lived alone then i wouldnt have to worry abt it#and i could do the fancy baths like with candles and stuff. i used to do that when we lived in my hometown.... and when i have my own place#i could do that whenever i wanted i could even gt one of those fancy bath trays even though they scare me rly rly rly bad bc i get paranoid#avr them falling in . ive never used one injust imagine them falling in andget scared#i also dont fully know how they work if your bathtubs like a built in one yk. bc sometimes theres no rim to rest it on? but whatever. ill#figure it out. hopefully i di have a bathtub And in unit laundry i rly want those but yk i may have 2 settle. but those 2 things would make#my life so good .... and a kitchennn my own kitchen even if its small
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