#despite actively not thinking about it. until im forced to again because it starts to bother me. teehee. haha.

[itz-pandora]

i hope u know that i am so so fascinated with ur android shadow in the misc au, i love him dearly and i need literally every morsel of lore about him please infodump about him as much as you want 😭💖

-🤖

AW IM SO HAPPY YOU LIKE HIM, THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO JOYOUS!!

In his debut, he's mostly following directives, trying to be the soldier he was coded to be, until Amy helps him remember his original directive, to help others. It activates his failsafe, MARIA, and he's flooded with false memories of her. This causes him to help the rest save the day!

Shadow doesn't learn he's an android until Heroes, (which he might learn through Neo), and it's a TOTAL mindfuck. It really makes him feel awful, and that negative feeling gets multiplied exponentially after Prime, where Shadow gets reprogrammed by Nine (which causes him to be deathly afraid of Tails). Shadow, who had grown very close to Amy at this point, decided to separate himself from her as to not hurt her, since he feels like he can't truly ever feel love like she can love him, because of how heavy the weight of being an android isn't him.

SHTH rolls around, and him and Hazard are the protags! This is where Shadow learns he's partially organic, with Black Arms dna. They both end up getting briefly mind controlled by Black Doom, which is TERRIFYING!!!! Shadow literally can't remember anything while being controlled because it doesn't register in his system! Just results in corrupted files. This cements to Shadow that he's never truly free, that the most autonomous part about him is still something that's controlled, just another drone.

He projects his insecurities onto Emerl when Sonic Battle happens. I think I might make this the part where Shadow gets really broken down, to a point the self-repair of the black arms in his circuits just takes too long, so despite protesting, Sonic brings Shadow to Tails for repairs, and Shadow has a PANIC ATTACK. He's actually so terrified of Tails tampering with him that his system overheats and he crashes. After Shadow is repaired, he's less afraid of Tails, because he realized he'd been too harsh, but he's angry at Sonic, and he feels so violated from getting repaired without his consent when Sonic KNOWS what happened with Nine!

Mephiles in 06 doesn't help the feeling of being artificial LMAO, but I don't have specific ideas yet! Shadow gets MAULED in Unleashed by Sonic btw lmao. Also, I don't have ideas for forces yet!

I dunno when this happens, but Shadow does Sonic's top surgery! Shadow wants to go into the medical field so doing this didn't take too much convincing.

After Forces, Metal is freed from the Eggman Empire, and Amy finds her. Amy gets Tails to repair Metal, and she ends up getting cosmetic upgrades to look like Neo! Shadow feels conflicted about Neo, but takes solace in the shared artificialness. Neo dates Amy, and Shadow feels conflicted, since he wants them to be happy, but a part of him never quite got over Amy. Neo and Shadow become close, and Neo is the one who suggests the polycule! They're all nice together 💕

Shadow, Amy and Metal move to Earth when Sonic retires as a hero! (Mobius is different from Earth). Shadow takes college classes to be in the medical field. Even though technically he could download information directly into his memory, he prefers learning in an organic way to feel more real.

When Eclipse comes to Mobius, Eclipse wants to be social with Shadow and Hazard, but struggles. When Eclipse loses his temper he accidentally mind controls Shadow and Hazard in the same way Black Doom did. After a while, he stopped, and Shadow and Hazard were terrified of him. Shadow spent so many years trying to convince himself if autonomy just to be stripped of it again and needing to start back at square one. He has to take a few days off college because it leaves him barely functional due to the sheer stress and trauma he relives at once.

And that's most of what I have planned!!!

[tea-and-secrets]

one of my best friends held me in his arms yesterday for about half an hour in his bed, just holding me close to his chest with our arms around each other. my head was under the blanket against his chest, and every breath i took was shaking, i kept having to force my body to relax, i felt like i was going to cry.

i hadnt had an extended kind touch from someone who truly cares about me and sees me for who i really am in... over a year at the very very least. it was so, so nice. i almost cried just from feeling so safe and cared for and im almost tearing up just thinking about it now.

i really really love him. in a platonic way, im not interested in him in a romantic way, which surprises me because im the type to fall head over heels for just about anyone im close to. but this is a gentle platonic love that im feeling for him.

ive been thinking for months about asking him to be in a queerplatonic relationship with me. i just feel so safe and happy with him. i dont know if he would say yes, but i know for a fact that if he said no, he would turn me down gently and not let it change our dynamic.

hes such a good person. hes so good for me. hes gentle with me but he doesnt treat me like im weak just because im physically disabled. in fact he actively helps me with things without any judging.

he came over a few weeks ago just to help me with household things like my laundry and the cats litterboxes. no judging or anything, he just helps me because he genuinely cares about me.

hes also offered to help me bathe when my pain is especially limiting my mobility, and i honestly think he would be the only friend i would be comfortable with helping me with such a vulnerable thing.

i havent taken him up on it, but i know that the offer is there if i ever need it, and i know he wont ever judge me for needing help, or judge my body.

he also encourages me not to feel bad about my body. im fat and im really insecure about it, but recently i started sleeping shirtless at his house when i stay over, because he does too and he noticed i get really overheated and suggested it might be more comfortable, and comforted me when i expressed insecurity. im comfortable enough with him to show my body despite being really deeply insecure around everyone else.

he also has said multiple times that he would like to help me clean my room because he knows my room being so messy lately takes a big toll on my mental health.

and also, his dog loves me. im pretty scared of dogs, and his dog is the only dog im not scared of, because hes taught his dog specific things during our friendship to help me specifically be more comfortable, and the dog is just silly and sweet and harmless too. very well trained and hes been so caring this dogs whole life which is also an incredible sign, hes patient and caring to every living thing in his life.

im going to be teaching him to play viola too. i played viola as a kid up until highschool but i quit because my tutor was incredibly abusive and horrific to me and ruined it for me and made me hate making music for many years.

but this friend said he would like to learn a string instrument and without thinking i said i could teach him viola. and i taught him a few small things the other day and it brought me such joy. hes a natural already and im already writing out a lesson plan.

hes also going to pay to get my viola restored for us because its slightly damaged after being stored incorrectly for the many years after i quit playing. i practiced for almost an hour yesterday and it was such a joy.

teaching him even just a tiny bit just that once (so far) has already healed something in me. im falling in love with my oldest passion again because of him. and being the teacher this time, knowing that ill never be anything like my old tutor, is just so, so healing and gives me such joy.

ive wanted to be a teacher for a very long time in general too, and have had a passion for teaching people my whole life, and now i get to live that dream thanks to him.

and im just so happy to share something i used to love so much with someone i love so much now, all these years later.

im just really, really happy to have him in my life. he brings me joy and he brightens my day every time we talk and every time i get to see him.

i might confess the queerplatonic thing in person next time i see him. because i know that even if he turned me down he wouldnt be cruel about it, and he wouldnt make things weird at all.

thank you for listening. ill update with what he says if i do manage to get the nerve to confess.

.

[neophytepagan]

25 for caecade?

25. one to five tropes they embody or could pull off in an AU.

mostly thinking of the canon verse and im giving more than five because i dont wanna cut down any

unrequited love/one sided - pretty self explanatory, caesar likes arcade and arcade despises him, making caecade one sided and more nonconny is fun sometimes but doesn't have that drama that i like in arcade's shameful attraction.

corruption - over time arcade slowly grows accustomed to caesar and living in his close proximity. he starts tolerating more than he probably should, growing numb to the tragedies around him until caesar pushes him to be a player in it rather than just a victim or a bystander, elevating him to a position of power. maybe arcade tries to do good, but he still becomes complicit by extension

caretaker/ing - emphasizing on the doctor/patient dynamic, despite caesar's atrocities seeing him vulnerable and weak still activates those parts of arcade's brain that makes him want to help and care for him. it makes caesar far more human, seeing him afraid, exhausted, in pain. arcade can't bring himself to deny him any treatment, tenderness, soft touches, words of encouragement

slow burn- arcade isn't breaking that easy, but caesar has all the time in the world to chisel away at his defenses. caesar doesnt even know arcade likes men at first, and feels somewhat ashamed of like, "forcing" that affection upon him. in caesars eyes arcade is the closest thing to an equal to him and after being lonely for... years. pushing away this new and wonderful thing because of his desires would be a shame. then he finds out arcades gay and he wont stop flirting with him

arranged marriage - is always fun especially with a side of political intrigue. this would mostly have to be in an au, but arcade being offered up in a political marriage after being found out as gay and refusing to wed a woman and continue to family line, so his parents will use him as a bargaining chip instead, throwing him at the slaving dictator. arcades afraid for his life and safety given the rumors about caesar... but caesar is so astonishingly different than what he'd expected that he's almost glad for the marriage so he can get away from the enclave

mutual pining - one of my favorite parts about this pairing is when arcade is pining for caesar and really isnt happy about it. he catches himself eyeing caesars body or feeling giddy and butterflies in his stomach over something sweet caesar says to him. its kind of a game. caesar seeing how openly affectionate he can be before arcade puts his boundaries up and gets angry and hides again. he gets to say some pet names but touching is too much... then after some time he gets to stroke arcades hair or caress his cheek but the second he leans in for a kiss arcade yells at him and pushes him away. one night arcade is the one who leans in and presses his lips to caesar, but the second he starts tugging at arcades clothes arcade says no and goes to sleep. progression like that. caesar daydreams abt arcade whenever he's not around him, gets him gifts, even blushes (caesar getting flustered is so good to me) when arcade flirts back

sharing a bed - a pretty cheesy trope but caesar only has one bed in his tent and it would be a fun way for him to try and get arcade to like him. hes being so nice offering his huge comfy bed to arcade. the soldiers have to sleep in sleeping bags on the floor. come on arcade... don't you see what an honor it is...

ruler/consort - i fold this in to like, everything i do with them. arcade always becomes something more than just a slave or a doctor. he becomes caesar's closest advisor, his sole confidant. he also becomes a little voice in his ear pushing him and manipulating to do things (for the good of the wasteland) and caesar lets him because he's both so head over heels and damn it's sexy when arcade is playing with him. arcade being officially recognized as caesar's consort or spouse... its so goodddd

[bastardrobocop]

not being funny, not being melodramatic i hope, but i feel like the last year has broken me in a lot of ways. 2023 i mean. i watched a long term relationship disintegrate in my hands until the ultimate betrayal of my trust and safety. i was so stressed and so fucked up all the time.

and now like, i can feel im withdrawing from my friends, im engaging in unhealthy behaviors i will not specify here, despite it all im more lonely than ive ever been, my hobbies are starting to feel like dust in my mouth, and while i'm not actively suicidal, the thought isnt far from my mind in that nasty intrusive thought sort of way.

there are nice things. i have the place to myself. the bed to myself. its quiet. but i feel like ive exhausted the amount of patience people have with me talking about what ive gone through. and as is the nature of things i dont feel as though ive built character or come through hardened. i feel mad. hurt. i want to hurt xer back somehow. take something back because something was taken from me. i feel like i have no recourse. god knows if xe'll hurt someone like xe hurt me again. but thats not even my primary motivation. i just hate feeling like theres nothing. no justice. no satisfaction. nothing that makes being raped a more tolerable experience, which is a silly thing to say. but you understand, right? like, sure i could post somewhere highly visible "In December of 2023 well known SCP Wiki author UraniumEmpire sexually assaulted me" but like what would that accomplish? it sure would put me under a microscope. its a surreal sentence too. hard to explain why. maybe its ultraminor celebrity combined with knowledge that inevitably it can just be denied and nobody will listen.

you know before now i never really noticed how much people fetishize sexual assault? "CNC" and the like. i dont care for it. i dont think they know. its frustrating as an adult online trying to navigate adult spaces. i know its an odd topic, but im fully stream of consciousness right now. i'll see something and it hits me in the gut and so i block the user or close the thing or leave the discord call. yet another addition to the list of things that make my tastes so exacting.

i feel like i should come to some overall point but the only thing coming to mind right now is just 'i hate this'. and i do. i hate this so much. i'm crying a lot more. at stupid things. weird things. memories. dreams. this post. the funny thing is that despite it all, despite the content, despite everything, i hope people read it. i like feeling like i exist. i like feeling real to other people. reminding folks that im not just a joke machine. i have an internal world. i have had a life that's lead me here and despite advantages it has not been good.

did i ever talk about how my high school graduation went? odd digression, bear with me. i feel like its emblematic of how things typically go for me. it's the day i graduate high school. i come downstairs to find my mother on skype with my kansas family. my grandfather is dying. they put him on skype. i watch him die over skype. after sitting alone for some time, i tell my parents i do not want to go through with high school graduation. i am forced to regardless. it is the most miserable day of my life. nobody listens to what i need in the moment. i go through with it, and then we are all shepherded to some kind of entertainment center. for reasons i cannot fathom, we are not allowed to leave for a couple hours. enforced fun time. they bring a stage hypnotist. i sit in silence and watch his antics. i get up and ask one of the people supervising us if i can leave now. they finally say yes. my mother takes me home. she asks if i have a nice time. i say of course i didnt. we drive home in silence.

i have have very rarely felt understood. very rarely felt like i was built to exist in the world. i feel as though i have an expiration date beyond the obvious one. i have grown older and watched people i know operate normally in the world and wondered how they do it. it never clicked for me. autism, transness, otherings. experts looked at me, told me i needed accommodations. never really got them, or they didnt help.

this is getting too long. i asked myself partway through if this was a suicide note but concluded that it wasn't. this is primarily because im scared if i die, they'll separate my cats. adopt them to different homes. they're best friends, they should not be kept apart. i love my cats, even when they're breaking shit and tearing open trash bags.

final paragraph. this whole post thing is probably going to sound embarrassing to me when i have hindsight on it. oh well. i am going to hit the post button now.

[the-heron]

how would you like to respond to this ask with absolutely as much as you can possibly say about the terror. it does not need to be comprehensible. just say things until you can no longer say things. let it all out. or let some of it out and let the rest of it spill over into the tags of reblogged gifsets, i have no qualms with either. this is entirely to give you another avenue with which to go as feral as you would like. have fun!!

hey anon quite frankly i would love to start talking incessently about the terror and also im gonna kiss you on the lips for asking me to

one thing ive been thinking about a lot after rewatching the whole season maybe. three or four times now (i am not mentally sound) is just how much the theme throughout the show is Being Something You Are Not. and its such a gradual realization cause you start with one character but the more you think about it you realize how that theme affects everybody and everything about the show.

i read something in an analysis post written by somebody MUCH more eloquent than me about Silna and Crozier and the parallel of them being thrust into a responsibility they didn't want. Silna was forced into a role that she knew she could not handle and it fails on her! multiple times! despite having NOTHING to do with everything going wrong shes been shoved into everyone's field of vision as The One Responsible INCLUDING by her own community. and by all means she does try to fill those shoes but even Tuunbaq has a say and it doesn't want her. and by the time she tries again its already too late.

and Crozier's situation wasn't identical but it's very similar in the sense that he did not want to be here and do this. being the only one not volunteered, but *asked* to go on this expedition, having already not been what Sophia wanted but doing as she asks anyways. good grief the man is in the middle of writing his resignation letter to sir john when he gets mauled. and now hes got no choice and that ALSO fails on him and gets people hurt and eventually its too late for him to make anything better.

but once you notice it with somebody else its like oh! that's right! EVERYBODY is doing this. sir john wasn't anybody's choice to lead the expedition and in fact he is actively detrimental to everybody's safety with his choices. Fitzjames is not half the man he says he is and has actively been lying To Everybody about about who he is an his accomplishments Forever. Goodsir is NOT a doctor and despite how happy it seems to make him to be considered as such he knows its not true and all of that scientific knowledge ends up killing SO many people. Hickey thinks hes hot shit and thinks he can gain control of everybody else AND Tuunbaq and yet he can hardly even do his own dirty work and gets other people's hands dirty before he does it himself.

i mean if you think about it too even the landscape isn't what it seems. they all think its a conquerable land and then they get there and realize its not. and because of this, they assume that must mean there's no way to survive out there. except there IS. there IS wonder. it IS beautiful. life CAN thrive out there and it HAS they are just so hazardous and invasive to the environment that they don't get to see it!!! they don't see the wonder and they are trekking to their deaths amongst a COMPLETE lie. this isn't, like, News to anybody else who's watched the show i just noticed how it all connects everybody and it blew my mind a little bit

[ozfi]

collected decade thots+analysis [to ep 25]

bold: calling back to another point OR something added afterwards

italics: notes from another person

写真 - sha+shin, made of copy/truth 写心 - sha+shin, but copy/heart he miswrote and had to cross out "heart" and write the hiragana but writing the hiragana means he doesnt knwo the second kanji is actually 真 so his pictures are an image of your soul . and also he cant write. im going to kms

source: pas warriorfujoshi

i know hes saying "peel" because shes a tangerine but 肌を剥くぞ　is literally "im going to tear your skin off" and its driving me to tears

> start decade after yrs of internal beef with kadoya tsukasa

> the world doesnt accept his being, he knows things he doesnt remember why he knows, things unconsciously stream out of him easily that he has consciously forgotten, no matter where he goes he is actively being rejected by existence itself and he doesnt know why

> he does not belong here, he does not belong anywhere

> and yet he moves forward anyway

> start screaming

both worlds hes been to so far have made him stand not exactly as monster (though identified with them at times, as riders often are) but also literally dehumanize him by making him stand as an other to the world’s humans as well, inherently discluding him from actually existing in that world by default whether human or beast. and while that external perspective can help him end fights, it again means there is no world in which he is not an outsider, and there is no place he actually belongs

he doesnt belong anywhere and all the worlds actively reject him by labeling him an ULF or that hes dangerous that hes not linto that hes somehow not human in the way other people are human and it doesnt let him connect with others

this includes his rider suit being obviously "other" to all other suits, that even other kamen riders do not recognize him as an ally and are instantly on guard against him up until the very end

hes told over and over he exists as to destroy and he has no place for himself and hes not even really considered human in the worlds he goes to hes always some nebulous Other, made to fit the world but never made to belong

i cant trust other people - natsumi and yusuke i cant feel the pain of others - he smugly (front) pushes people into addressing their issues and continuing their story im just going along with that idiot - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "im not human im just acting like it" YOU ARE HUMAN DIKEIDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

from: pas warriorfujoshi

while the premises of these individual plots seem a bit nonsensical im really enjoying the way decade plays with established lore to do both reuse old and do new things- getting to reuse old suits and kaijin, the directing and areas matching their shows, a new ryuki rider suit, playing with time vent, seeing BOARD be a real company. I’ll be real I’m making this post because the sequence of BOARD having to authorize the blade riders henshins made me so happy

i cant believe decade is like ichigo is gay for real and renshin cannon king but then kenhaji is doomed here too there is no blade/chalice love is fake. they cant even have anything in an AR world

decade sincerely critiquing capitalism?!

and an extremely kenzaki face. in this moment, they are one.

you know now that i think about it a lot of decade so far has been about "accepting outsiders"

tsukasa is affiliated with the heroes of the story, sure, but when someone is disadvantaged she always steps up to help them even if its in her own dickhead tsukasa way

the orphnochs yelling "humans have always excluded and hated us!" is cementing it

tsukasa is just as much of an outsider, and he cant belong to any of these worlds, but the world itself does try to help him fit in

and then everyone ends up loving him despite it not being her Place To Be

[4] it's really compounded by how unbending he is. he says he doesnt understand others, he cant trust them, he doesnt feel joy the same way, but his raw force of will combined with other's belief in HIM lets him get through anything

tsukasa himself can never capture the same face twice, as hes the one behind the camera, and technically he himself doesnt have to be seen within the stories he journeys through. but a space is made for him anyway- for the one behind the camera

[long break where i was talking about blade cast members instead of watching my damn show]

this is all shes been doing the whole time wdym

tsukasa told momo to stand up and imagin(e) a form for himself and then the card glowed and final form ride was used and momo was restored… tsukasa "cant take pictures" but his imagination is broad and wide and she helps people find themselves

tsukasa can see through to ones true self just like her photos do

first time daiki has ever actually gotten mad at tsukasa

8. why is daiki working for the roach something worth making her Fourteen's Most Wanted when the roach are the ones in charge

9. thats not the real reason...

10. itd be defecting and leaving .

11. or maybe something even beyond that, but i think even just doing that is pretty dire in a place like this

12. maybe the two other riders believe because daiki defected jun'ichi was abducted and brainwashed [only slightly incorrect]

13. but i kind of get the feeling jun'ichi isnt

14. [13] yappari na

15. it wasnt for any heroic reason it wasnt for free will - daiki herself invented a program to "fix" people before - it wasnt for values - daiki is not a typical rider and laughs in the face of sentimentality, even as a front - it wasnt for the other riders - daiki is willing to hurt them to keep them out of her way

16. it was just for her brother himself

17. not that free will wasnt a factor. obviously the knowledge that jun'ichi believes in it and acknowledges it is important and the fact that daiki is so averse to any show of kindness would make it so she wishes if she ever came back it wouldnt be like this, clinical and stiff and fake

i want to point out jun'ichi's usage of destroy here ......

from: pas warriorfujoshi

but in this case the "destroy" daiki wants to do is break down the structures of the roaches influence on her brother. she functionally wants to literally destroy the world that exists as it is and have it be born anew

All she wanted from the beginning of leaving her world was to return with the power to save her brother . She would break down the entire world to do that

losing your own identity to keep the spirit of the brother you love alive... losing faith in yourself and in everything else because the world took the one you loved away from you.....to have one stupid schmuck take your hand and refuse to let go and look you in the eyes and go I trust you. I believe in you. And you can believe in yourself.

HAVE HIM SEE THROUGH YOU SO EASILY EVEN WHEN YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR LONG ENOUGH YOU CAN'T SEE THROUGH YOURSELF!

the thing tsukasa tells her is that she cares for her brother. He saw through her that easily

but its because tsukasa doesnt know herself that she can find other people like this so easily, i think. daiki doesnt like that answer though, and kind of refuses to face it up to this point

she was only willing to give tsukasa an answer now, after tsukasa tore her to shreds (Emotionally), but was cut off by that thing that was more important

and it was such perfect timing for jun'ichi to reveal he was lucid all along, and the one who believes in daiki and trusts her most now is tsukasa, it felt like a sort of a metaphorical torch pass.... for daikis primary focus to shift

technically every world is a world without tsukasa

I AM CLEARING THIS SHIT WITH FULL POINTS

something something daiki not only taking on niisans traits to make sure he lives on at cost of herself but throwing everything about her past self away in the process- a thief is a criminal, theoretically the opposite of a cop. while its an act of resistance, its also shuttering the doors on her self up until that point, and when she can get to zio, or change her style and appearance to fit who shes chosen to be, then she will truly be free

its so interesting that diend DOES natively have that butterfly motif its just hidden

what did they mean by this

someone pointed out all tsukasas outfits are so warm and soft and shes so often wearing sweaters and jackets and looks snug

also the universal transgender experience of covering up your body w sweaters/jackets. so people don't know you're transgender. because she's

a woman

to that end can i

say

somethi

so every world rejects her, but then she comes to a world that welcomes her and its with open arms, free food, maids, women- essentially, its a world too good to be true. kept as an item and THE status symbol in a world considered evil, wrong, and antithetical to the "normal world"

we will only accept you if you understand you belong nowhere else but here, because you are bad and wrong.

tsukasa is someone with something missing even when being filled up, there will always be something missing - she finishes her journey, she still doesnt have a place to belong, and then is offered a world. youve been given a world. a place to belong. this place is what youve always been searching for

and that world shes offered is. nega world. evil riders run the show, and their lackeys make sure humans cant survive by. actively murdering them. all love and appearances are fake. it is tailored for the ones who stay, that it is a perfect copy of the world tsukasa started in and feels closest to, natsumis, but its different and wrong, everything is fake

just like daikis world

by the way

but even the vague sense of belonging tsukasa gets from this world - photos showing "properly" - is a lie. theyre actually in negative, and even then are still her own pinboke shashin

this implies things about tsukasa, to be honest! but whats even more evident is that she doesnt WANT it to. she doesnt want to be here. she wants to keep going, she tells herself to not fear the journey. this place is too good to be true- this place is bad and wrong- suck it up and keep moving

my thoughts are essentially .... okay, im missing something, but im also not. whatever this implies about tsukasa is no longer true. i mean. well. shes said to be a destroyer, but i think it goes deeper than that. but again, thats not the part that matters. and the show constantly dancing around tsukasas past, and the one who knows hiding it and only being willing to say it after being stripped bare, but doesn't seem especially opposed to tsukasa in general, just because of their "i got here first" dynamic

but daiki is also a freak. i admit that

daiki's a freak it's okay

but you know through fandoms lack of filter and general kamen rider knowledge i think i have a pretty good guess.

which is interesting.

you know.

but also whatever it was, tsukasa has clearly changed, clearly doesnt want to be that anymore, and its still a story worth telling

daiki like. (ME TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO SAY THIS) she genuinely

did not give a fuck about tsukasa until what happened in her world

that flipped a switch she was playing and having fun and flirting up until then because that's just how she is. but when he

believed in her. when she told her she'd help. when she SAW her for who she was

They're fuckinf gay

tsukasa in the past was no different than anyone else that was fucked up to her. Tsukasa was just another means to an end for daiki. until she saw her change with her own eyes

imagine being snagged. like a butterfly in a net. by some shithead you dont actually give a fuck about. and instantly your opinion flips like binary

crazy ass dynamic...

theres something missing frm my tsukasa analysis and im frustrated but its the fact that theres something missing frm tsukasa im not sure how to define

theres a lack of self confidence despite appearances. when she is genuinely praised she gets confused. she does not consider the journey her real home, despite protagonists usually going My journey was the friends we made along the way. and granted it is probably because im not done yet and am only halfway done with what should have been a 50 episode season. but natsumi is still.. against her. in nega world she refuses to trust tsukasas words despite liking her quite a lot, choosing her old friends over tsukasas words instantly and easily. in kabuto world tsukasa asserts her selfhood obviously against the worm, and then the worm argues, and natsumi is visibly unsure

even between tsukasa and her first friend in the world she appeared in theres a fundamental disconnect

granted, tsukasa should have said "there are evil riders trying to kill me", but natsumi immediately shut down "something is wrong" with "Youre JEALOUS! that i found my world again and you didnt!" and thats just. unimaginably cruel

*i love natsumi

-

tsukasa is bringing people together despite being an outsider, that she helps them bring their story to completion with their belief in her

and even then she's no one's home either. she can't even be her own home because of what's missing

i don't really like the concept of daiki having a home anywhere else either because daiki will forever and always consider her brother her home. she will always consider her home gone. something only in her memories

and yusuke knows his home he's just journeying

and yusukes home is his own world, with yashiros smile helping him go on a journey, yknow, like. Actual Kuuga

daiki's got a fixation on FREEDOM too

she has to be free. she can't be tied down. nowhere is a "home", anymore

which is another reason butterfly imagery auits her

transformation and freedom.

tsukasa is a traveler looking for a place to belong

daiki had a world she treasures dearly but still bandies around

theyre good foils

tsukasa wants belonging and daiki wants freedom but they still like each other so so much

i think something important about them is that tsukasa would never ask her to stay. she'd never ask her to give up her freedom (BITING MY TONGUE ON THAT) tsukasa knows how important that freedom is. daiki's freedom is as important as tsukasa's own Place

but... daiki .. (coughs blood)....... will always come back to her.... (die

DAIKI HAS NO HOME, NOT ANYMORE, BUT SHE'LL ALWAYS FIND HERSELF AT THE PHOTO STUDIO, MAKING BREAKFAST FOR THEM.

the photo studio is "a place to return to", not a home

it doesn't have to be a home, it's just the place they rest when their journey takes a break

i think tsukasa is interesting cuz she asserts shes a destroyer (everyone tells her this, and she thinks she may as well lean into it), she doesn't feel joy the same way, she doesnt trust people, but she's "just trusting what yuusuke does". the thing is. the show is about her finding happiness. and trusting people. and people seeing her and immediately liking her and trusting her, and it's always that trust in her that allows her to help them in turn

shes just.. so dehumanized and feels so wrong next to those people that she feels like her joy is not theirs, that this trust must not be actual trust but "just going along with them" despite not actually being the case

it speaks to how disconnected she is.. literally dissociated from all of her own emotions and they manifest as a front of detached, airy confidence

tsukasa is immediately warm and someone people ARE drawn to in a way no other "smartass" category rider is

people get pulled into tendous orbit but it takes a lot for people to actually like him, sento is actually pretty hard to get to know because of her own identity issues. shes very similar to tsukasa in many ways when i think about it, though tsukasa isnt the same type of smart ass

but tsukasa has a front and a core and kindness to spare. tbh. even if she can be a dick sometimes. who isnt

tsukasa continues trying no matter how much the world tries to bring her down. and it draws people in to be around that

an unmatched, one-of-a-kind aura

tsukasa may feel empty but that emptiness is why she cant give up

[divasdiaries]

5/2/2023

I went to Paris (Texas)

With a suitcase in my hand

I had to leave

Knew they wouldn't understand

When you know, you know

When you know, you know

It's time, it's time to go

When you know, you know

Then the more you know

It's time to go.

Ive reached a point where I realized I must drop my friends, again. With all the senior activities going on,  realized in my heart that I didn't want to spend my last year of high school with them. This sense of loneliness that lives within me flooded through my veins again. Like a dormant virus silently replicating in my cells until one day it decides to flare up again. These past two days its gotten bad again, and Im thrown out of my derealization fairytale and forced to face reality that I don't have friends, just people I get along with. People I only talk to because I see them everyday. I just wish my younger self wouldn't be so disappointed with my new self. I  cant seem to ever not be alone, I always am and no matter how hard I try to fool myself, Im in this world entirely shrouded in solitude. It doesn't help that every year Im in a new friend group. Every consecutive year of school. Im scared that when school is over ill really be alone this time, no distractions. I've been listening to an audiobook called “Demon Copperhead” which at first was a way to feel more intellectual with the time I had while driving, but its starting to take its toll on me. The main character is on his path to becoming a junkie, like his mom. And I know, I know whats going to happen. I don't want it to. I see myself in him and its scaring me, I never realized how much of my fathers mistakes took a toll on my being. Watching people get high on minuscule drugs like weed makes me irrationally angry because they don't know. They don't know what it did to me. I like to think I have self control over the emotional side of my brain, that I'm a rational thinker and reactor, but this, this is my kryptonite. When I went to the doctors office they weighed me and I've lost about 20lbs in the course of 6 months and at least 5 in the past month. My diet is really working but I cant help feel like Im coming to a standpoint. I feel myself slipping back into my ED ways. Whatever it takes to be pretty. My life despite all the sad sappy swift I just spewed has been slightly positive. My calisthenics training has been paying off, I can feel it when I do a handstand and I can feel the improvement in my stretching, I just need to keep it up. Plus I joined my schools dance team, I think this will be good for me, a change. A new distraction.

[tauforged]

woah sorry i accidentally wrote a novel. readmore for everyone’s sanity and also because im talking about cavalero here so there’s going to be some suicide

cuz like. in my brain. my beautiful mind palace. the only way what’s going on btwn laz and cav is working out in ANY capacity is because laz is not actively purposefully trying to get cav to realize/work on/etc Anything. he is just, by nature, a very earnest guy who also happens to be clingy and idealistic and deep down is a HUGE worrier, even though he doesn’t let it on because he makes an effort to be easygoing and relaxed. cav would be already anticipating someone coming at him trying to convince him that he needs to take better care of himself or whatever, he’s had untold amount of time to dig his heels in on this, you aren’t moving him. quinn has been trying to nab him on this for centuries, he’s become incredibly skilled at dodging Loaded Conversations.

but in a situation where laz walks into cavs dormizone to the smell of blood and finds him in a heap on the floor for the third time that week, sighs and drags him away to try and clean him up as best he can, stop the bleeding for however long it takes for his body to heal itself, wipe up the mess as best he can, wash off whatever he used and unload/otherwise pack it all away, and then heft his body up onto the cot tucked into the corner, curl up next to him and Wait in silence until he starts breathing again, it’s not like he’s doing that On Purpose to try and prove something. thats just the only way he knows how to react. despite all better judgement, laz cares about this asshole and gets scared when he’s gone, especially when it happens like this. so he cleans up as much as he can and then he waits because he doesn’t know what else to do. he can only hope that the pattern will continue and that cav WILL, eventually, wake up and start halfheartedly smacking his hands away and grumbling about how much he hates this lovey dovey bullshit, get the hell off him already. what if that doesn’t happen? what will laz do if five, ten, fifteen, twenty minutes pass and he just gets colder and colder in his arms? he can’t think about that. he’s just going to count the minutes and fight off that worry for however long it takes.

and god forbid, every now and then it starts to get REALLY scary. sometimes ten minutes turns to half an hour turns to two turns to four, and cav finally drifts back awake and finds laz clinging to him and just Sobbing? THAT’S the kind of situation that genuinely shakes him a bit. it’s uncomfortably real and impossible to ignore and he doesn’t know what to do with it. and an idea very slowly starts to finally force its way in and widen the cracks: maybe this ISN’T what he wants. maybe this isn’t what “having it handled” should look like.

and of course, he’s stubborn and hates being wrong, he won’t accept this right away. but as time goes on and little things like this keep piling up it gnaws at him more and more. ever so slowly he DOES stop wanting to Actually Die. sure, he’s still fine with going through the motions, but the thought of getting unlucky and it finally taking is going to be there and the possibility starts to genuinely scare him again for the first time in a very very very long time.

if laz was any bit more well adjusted and capable of actually articulating to cavalero how this makes him feel and ask him to stop, they’d be getting nowhere, it would be a dead end. but they’re both rough around the edges in JUUUST the right places to slowly smooth eachother out over time. they’re like beach glass. do you understand me? is this thing on

i keep fucking posting about him but he’s just on my mind lately. i do think that approaching cav with the “i can fix him” mindset is a doomed endeavor HOWEVER despite all my joking to the contrary. i honestly believe it is indeed possible. you just have to not be trying

[ivyquinzel]

.

[risaonda]

I am so fucking angry. teehee

[thisisadonaldduckblognow]

yes a thousand percent absolutely lets go

(firstly i am sorry my post put anyone to a point of feeling the need to apologize for or feel bad for being Very Into Leo’s character. as someone who is flagrantly Very Into Raph’s character, i promise i wasn’t trying to throw a stone in this glass house. i’ve gotten burnt out on a lot of fanon leo stuff but part of why im so !!!! about it is bc i too love leo’s characterization and potential.. i swear

catch me catching my brain and tone malfunctions behind dennys later, sorry again gang)

BUT YE I’LL TALK ABOUT MOVIE RAPH STUFF TO MY BEST CAPACITY ALL DAY

overall i honestly... totally get raph being hard to get a handle on in this respect. like it’s pretty difficult to pick where to start and how to express it even just in an informal tumblr analysis post, i still haven’t managed to put together any kind of fic myself LMAO. bear with me i will do my best!

so firstly there’s just the veritable gauntlet of “stuff raph experienced/was dealing with in the span of the movie” to consider, i think. 

- his fear and anxiety over his family’s safety, for which he always always feels personally responsible. when he called the retreat during that first fight with the krang, he was absolutely terrified-- and i can only imagine how much scarier it was after leo bailed on the escape pod. like, there’s no way raph was not hauling ass after leo the second he saw that happen.

= he takes a hit for leo, as in just barely stops it and loses a chunk of shell/plastron in the process. he sacrifices himself using his pod to get leo out of there safely (and there’s so much to be said about the fact that raph’s pod seems to be the only one that didn’t auto-activate. that only he and donnie seemed to know they even existed. there’s a whole talk they must have had right there, like raph would probably have had to ask specifically for this feature.)

- the krang try to intimidate answers out of him about the key, and when that doesn’t get them those answers, prime literally jams tentacles into his brain and roots around until he can find what they’re looking for. so that’s one bullet point on the list for outright mental violation. it looks/sounds very painful, not to mention terrifying. 

^^ and honestly, this point of suffering in particular is one that i think would be hardest for raph to actually bring up/talk about with his family. because none of them were there. none of them KNOW. and how do you explain that to them? how do you try to make yourself break that out when they’re already worried about the other stuff that happened to you and to everyone else? when part of you is guilty about it despite yourself, because so much of your identity is tied into being a protector that you can’t help but feel like you should have been able to wall that info off somehow and keep your family safe?

- gets infected by the krang and put into the big gross pod to... incubate, i guess? there’s so much unanswered about the point between brain torture and getting found by his family tbh. was he conscious and aware of being left alone in there? was that why he was so out of it even before the mutation?

- and then of course there’s said painful, grotesque body horror forced krang mutation that he has to go through once he’s out of the pod! thanks i hated it! like it seriously looks so gross and painful.

- ah yes and the mind control... being used as a tool and a puppet and specifically set out to hurt or even kill the family he loves and wants to protect. 

- the standard “we had our cool epic boss fight against the evil alien but he kicked our asses with one flick and then punched mikey and donnie all the way to staten island” physical roughage, too. leo portaled him after mikey and donnie so he could catch them. donnie took the brunt of the krang punch, and raph took the brunt of the hard landing (he is holding his side like he might have some rib issues, they all look rough af down there phew)

- leo’s sacrifice is leo’s sacrifice and definitely a leo development moment as an action itself, i’m never gonna say 'yep here’s how leo getting brutalized in prison dimension is all about raph’. i’m talking about the like, aftermath and pre-rescue emotional toll that that has etc etc etc. ftr.

point one there is obviously just the grief. like, raph is literally incapable of standing when it hits. he’s on all fours, he can’t open his eyes. i made a post comparing the caps of raph’s face getting stabbed and raph’s face when it was sinking in that leo was (apparently) Gone gone bc the expressions are nearly identical. like just. absolute agony. 

- and on top of that, i sincerely think that leo’s “you’re one to talk, hero moves are totally your thing” apparent last words are gonna stick with raph for a very long time. even after they save leo. the look on his face after leo says that... man. i think there’s a very real moment of raph going what have i done, what did i teach him? about the entire situation.

the way this is already tl;dr oh well SO IG SOME OF MY GENERAL TAKEAWAYS AND THINGS I THINK ABOUT WHEN IT COMES TO POST-MOVIE RAPH:

first and foremost. rip raph sufferer of some of the most intense eldest child syndrome i’ve ever seen. he feels bad that he got used to get his family’s location. he feels bad that he got used to harm and nearly kill his family. he probably feels bad that leo feels bad that his shell is damaged, smh. it’s guilt all the way down. the kind where he knows logically his family does not want or need apologies, that getting controlled was literally not his fault, but he feels bad anyway.

and like i said i get how it’s hard to get a handle on him for stuff, because raph is also... not super good at the emotional vulnerability sharing? it’s so wild because he’s very openly emotional and easy to read! he’ll cry during a sad movie scene and yell at a frustrating video game no problem, he’s very straightforward! but when it comes to sincere vulnerability and actually seeking comfort/closure about it, he has a big struggle vibe. good luck to the entire family bc every single brother is gonna be in a “oh but everyone else already has so much to deal with i don’t wanna pile more on with my problems” zone, i think. 

also just like. raph is a protector. that’s one of the core pillars of his sense of identity and worth. he takes care of his brothers. he keeps his family safe. and so so so much of what he went through or experienced in the movie went directly against that. raph, the big brother, the beating heart of the team, the one who takes hits, the overprotective mother hen, gets used to track down his family, and then gets used to hurt them. very nearly gets used to kill leo outright. isn’t there to take the hit for leo again at the end of the movie, is helpless as his little brother seemingly sacrifices his life to save them and the world. how does he come to terms with that? how does he feel like he still deserves the trust and faith that his family puts in him to keep being a rock? (they’re not scared of him, but he’s scared of him.)

and for real seriously how does he ever ever get around to dealing with that brain probe and the mutation specifically. his mind and his bodily autonomy got so deeply violated in the process of this movie. it’s scary! and painful! what kind of scenario would a writer even have to rig up to back him into enough of a corner to share those feelings with his family (who would absolutely want to comfort and support him)! it’s nightmarish stuff that’s gonna linger with him for the rest of his life. 

and in fact on the mutuation/mind control. i think the fact that leo was able to get through to raph just with words, that that was how he managed to break through the control, maybe means that raph was aware of what he was being made to do all along and just. unable to pull enough strength together to stop it before that point. woof.

idk idk if any of this makes real sense or helps for getting a handle on raph’s character at all tbh, it’s just a lot of me nonsensically putting him in a jar with a leaf and a stick for scientific observation ig. if ppl wanna hit me w questions or discussions about my personal opinions on my favorite boi feel free tbh

maybe the real raph character analysis was the hug and nightmare-free nap he probably desperately needs all along....... ah its too late hes dissociating on the couch. relatable.

[mysteriaqueen]

hi. im gonna obsess over these now. not sorry about it.

1.

oh my god yes yes yes yes yes. that man is getting the sparkiliest fruitiest, random drink you can find. i can imagine him trying like all different flavors of red bull or kickstart too (or whatever energy drinks they have in hsr world.)

like imagine he goes up to gallagher and asks him to put caffeine in whatever fuckin drink he gets dude. tbh, I can imagine him having a slight caffeine addiction. probably not slight.

2.

girl gift giving is his most natural love language. you saw how much money he was giving to TB after the penacony quest? he gives gifts like he fucking breaths air. not to mention, the gift box he gets you when you do that one quest on the radiant feldspar bro. (lmk if you haven't seen it I'll keep my mouth shut about it just in case).

and ooooo oooooo ooooo hand made giftssss from aventurine????? askdjfhalksdjfhalksdjfhalksdfhj dude im going insane im gnawing at the bars of my enclosure.

in addition to that, imagine him trying to get a gift for someone but he notices that the quality isn't great so he a) fixes it up himself and/or b) takes it up with the seller and depending on their reaction just gets a refund or gets their shit closed dude. like imagine he's like 'hey... this isn't really up to par. esp with the price' and the person is karen-ish and then bro just laughs and then the next thing you know that mofo is getting no customers. "did you hear? they tried to scam a stone heart!! isn't that insane? who knows what they'd try to do to a normal person"

3.

PREACH. PREACH. PREACH. PREACH. OH MY GOD I HAVE BEEN SHOUTING THIS FROM THE ROOFTOPS. THIS MAN IS NOT WEAK. he might *pretend* to be weak for the bit. he'd do a lot of things for the bit. but that man could never be weak. do you remember what he's been through??? never weak. he would never let himself be weak again. you think after watching his family die one by one he'd ever put himself in a position where he can't protect those he cares about? cute. you're wrong. and insane. to solitary confinement with you (/j)

he's not mentally weak either. he took that harmony consecration bullshit from sunday like a goddamn champ. bc, mind you, he was still dealing with it WHILE FIGHTING US. it didn't go away until he got hit by acheron. HE WAS FIGHTING US NOT EVEN AT 100% MENTALLY WITH A BROKEN CORNERSTONE. ARE YOU HEARING ME RN.

and don't even get me started on the mental fortitude you must have to go through all he has and not off yourself lord have mercy.

4.

work is how he copes. if he's not working, he's actively on a mission. if he's not actively on a mission, he's drinking. if he's not drinking, he's giving someone something or chatting with someone or annoying someone. if he's not doing that he's sleep. if he's not doing that he's eating. if he's not doing that then it's a very rare rare moment (prolly most often when he's just woken up from a nightmare) where he's quiet despite how loud (or maybe not) his thoughts are and he just sits with himself. that doesn't happen often. he doesn't find it pleasant.

5.

never considered this but you are in fact real. i have a feeling the impulsive/intrusive thoughts you mentioned sorta get worse if he has to drive, esp if there's traffic.

6.

as someone who love a person who is good with kids. YES. and small slightly unrelated rant here it's not that hard to be good with kids. it really isn't. you treat them like people because they fucking are. the issues arise when you *expect* them to do what you ask just because you're an adult and they aren't. rant aside.

because of his trauma, he very much wants to give everyone in a situation as much agency as possible. as much as he can, he doesn't push, doesn't force, doesn't coerce. and that lends him to working really well with kids. i don't think he intuitively understands why he's so good at it, but he just is. he knows even if he doesn't know he knows.

7.

my man has nightmares. night terrors. (imo) so yes, he sleeps insanely. bro is fighting demons in his sleep. literally. i'd like to think if he's sleeping with someone he trust he doesn't have nightmares so he sleeps less wildy and his movements are restricted to locate person, attach to person, push person away because I'm hot, nevermind person is comfort repeat cycle. he's clumsy about it in his sleep though so you may in fact get whacked.

8.

i think because of how fidgety he is (and often he's in situations where fidgeting would be read as weakness) he pain stims a bit. digging his nails into his palms. picking at his cuticles. scratching unnecessarily. it's prolly not the best way to go about things but it's grounding and he needs that. desperately. serious aventurine, got to fucking therapy.

9.

nothing to say here you summed it up perfectly. 10/10 no notes.

10.

i think he wonders what a 'normal' life would be like a lot. growing up in a house. with his family. getting to call his sister and mother and father whenever. having their phone numbers. randomly sending them gifts. texting them that he loves them. i think he thinks about it a lot more than he wants to. i think those are the type of thoughts that fill the silence I mentions earlier

-------------------------------------------------------

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR POSTING THESE THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN TO THINK ABOUT. i love seeing other peoples ideas man it fuels my ideas its a great time. okay bye.

Random Aventurine Headcanons

Just a quick disclaimer; these are just my opinions and are not canon in any way, so don't take them too seriously 😭

Now, have a handful of my Aventurine HCs. There's 10 of them, and they're just general ones, nothing too angsty or heavy aside from mentions of his past (also, look how perfect he is. I love this pic.)

1. He loves caffeine and its effects but not the bitter flavor of coffee or espresso, so he's always rolling up to work with one of those really sweet specialty drinks.

He's also constantly changing what drink he orders, so no one can ever predict what he's going to show up with. Sometimes, he makes his employees concerned because he'll just be sipping on this bright, radioactive looking drink with a shit ton of espresso in it (kinda like the shamrock macchiato from dunkin).

2. He loves giving/making gifts to people he cares about. For people like clients, business partners, and "friends," he gives them gifts like credits, expensive sweets, just polite catch-all gifts that have no real thoughts or consideration behind them; things that everyone would like. He doesn't really find joy in giving these gifts.

However, for people he truly cares about, he will listen to every word they say in order to deduce the best possible gift. Since the Sigonia link rope states that the Avgins were meticulous craftsmen (I'm assuming that if they made the Knots of Cyclicality so well, then their craftsmanship didn't stop there), I also think that Aventurine would try his hand at making things for people if he's especially close to them. I think he would get kinda nervous when actually giving the gifts, though (especially if it's something he made himself). I feel like he's insecure and doubts himself a lot when it comes to his close relationships.

3. Aventurine has a sleeper build. That man is way stronger than people give him credit for. He had to kill the other slaves in the labyrinth with only the chains around his wrists while he was most likely malnourished, dehydrated, and wounded in order to prove his luck. Adrenaline can only do so much, so I highly doubt he's weak by any means.

I think people around Aventurine- much like a majority of the fandom- perceive him as physically weak when he's not using his cornerstone, since he's not that tall and he doesn't appear well-built. Others probably get surprised when they see him use a lot of strength because of this.

4. He's a very hard worker, and he's prone to overworking himself, especially if something is upsetting him. He's very good at hiding when something is bothering him due to his past, but when he starts working a ton of overtime, it becomes easy to tell. He does this to tire himself out so he can avoid thinking about whatever troubles him, and he usually continues on this path until he burns himself out and is forced to confront what's upsetting him.

5. He sucks at driving and doesn't enjoy it at all. He likes car rides, feeling the wind through his hair, and just vibing while listening to music, but he hates being the driver. He has his license, but he doesn't like using it, so he either uses public transport or hired a driver just so he can get around without the inconvenience of driving.

He also really hates traffic. He already doesn't like standing in line, so traffic is way worse to him because he can't just pay people in the other cars to let him cut in front of them.

6. He's good with kids. I think he's one of those people who are like, "Kids are fine, I guess," but then he interacts with children, and all of them absolutely love him. He's gentle with them, plays with them if they want, and only really scolds them if they do something that could get them hurt. He also treats them with respect, like actual people, instead of just extensions of their parents to order around. I think his dynamic with kids is similar to how his sister treated him when she was still alive, so interacting with children is bittersweet for him because it brings back memories.

7. He's the messiest sleeper in the cosmos. Aventurine tosses and turns, snores, drools on the pillow, and always wakes up to at least one corner of his fitted sheet popped off. Half the time, if he falls asleep using his phone, it gets so tangled in his sheets that he has to pull the blankets off of the bed and shake them until his phone falls out. If he's sharing a bed with someone and trusts them enough to fall into a deep sleep, they are 100% getting accidentally slapped, kicked, or partially laid on.

8. He's very fidgety. Sitting still makes him feel restless, so he's always doing something to move around. He paces in his office, plays with his coin, clicks pens, bounces his leg, and taps his foot. Trying to sit quietly in a room with him would be a nightmare unless he's occupied, focused on something, or just really tired.

The only thing that tends to properly ground him and make him calm down enough to stay still is physical touch, but that's a double-edged sword. Due to his past, a touch from the wrong person can be problematic, and there's not many that he trusts enough to touch or soothe him, so he doesn't usually reach a state of calmness and stillness.

9. He has a lot of impulsive and intrusive thoughts. These range from impulsive and harmless things like going on an online shopping spree or dying the tips of his hair to more intrusive and potentially dangerous ideas, like shoving his hand in a pot of boiling water, hurting himself in other ways, or harming others.

His impulsive thoughts don't bother him too much, but the intrusive ones nag at him a lot even though he knows they're not his fault.

10. He wishes he had the opportunity to go to college and have a formal education. He knows he could've done it if he had the privilege and the opportunity, but that was never afforded to him, so he tries not to dwell on it.

He doesn't even know if he would choose to go to college if he had the chance, doesn't know what major he would pick or what extracurricular stuff he would do, but he wishes it had been an option. It ties back to how he wonders how life would've turned out for him if he had any semblance of normalcy- a stable home planet, a living family, the chances and opportunities that people in less oppressive situations had been given-, but he always just pushes those thoughts aside and refuses to consider them, knowing it wasn't a possibility for him and never would be.

-------

I hope you guys enjoyed my thoughts! These headcanons are dedicated to @mysteriaqueen who encouraged me to post these. I would've just forgotten about this app if it wasn't for this kind stranger. I hope these live up to your expectations :)

God, I haven't written anything like this in years. I really hope these are good 😭

[bangtaninborderland]

Risk It All (19)- feeble freedom.

Genre: Chishiya x f reader.

Warning: death & violence

An: I’m sorry for not updating yall, I was really struggling with a lot of things personally. I was so lost in what I wanted to write or where I wanted to take this story, it was getting depressing writing about an emotionless character when I have so many of my own overwhelming me. I guess it also grew hard because I had no one interacting with RIA, I always asked for feedback or such but rarely ever got it. It felt like people were demanding chapters but not even giving me much of a reason to write? Anywho im going to try and update more I will be more active on tumblr from now so please please message me or comment whatever you like! I hope you have all stayed healthy and safe in the time I have been gone! ❤️ Im thinking to start a taglist for this so if you’d like me to add you please pop me a message or a comment and I will! Thankyou all!

Ch.18 | Masterlist | ch.20

The sky had gone from a light grey to a dark black, the stars illuminating the sky above you. You didn’t realise you had become lost in them until Chishiya cleared his throat, your attention returning to the one sided conversation that you had been trying to have for the past two hours.

“You know we could stop if you aren’t strong enough. It’s not like I didn’t expect you’d need breaks.” Despite his words Chishiyas voice is filled with concern rather than annoyance.

You smiled to yourself at his unusual worry. “I’m fine but will it be much longer? I’m running out of water.” You sigh holding up the almost empty water bottle.

You wasn’t surprised when Chishiya grumbled underneath his breath, his patience already growing thin. His hands brushed upon your shoulders as he turned your body towards a large building.

“You see the building?“ he mumbles, his breath grows hot on your neck.

“Y-yes.” You stutter, your nerves becoming more dominant.

“It’s near there. You can have my water I am not thirsty.” He holds the bottle against your back forcing you to turn and face him.

Your hands shook lightly as you took the clear plastic into your grasp, Chishiyas fingers lingering mere centimetres away. You didn’t look up but you could feel his gaze on you.

The closeness didn’t last more then a second before he was pulling away, resuming his walk towards the distant building. You stood frozen for a moment before scurrying to catch up with him, your mind still cloudy at the close encounter.

“Slow down” you lightly shout, earning a disapproving glare from him.

“Hurry up” he mumbles back, his feet coming to a halt as you join his side, your arm once again brushing against his.

The walk once again grew quiet as you reached the building Chishiya had pointed out to you, it had appeared much further away than it was and for that you was relieved after all the stress and moving from the beach you wasn’t sure how much more physical activity your body could take in one day.

You stood back as Chishiya led the way, slipping down a small walkway at the side of the building. You followed behind him carefully, giving him enough room to lead you both in the direction of wherever you would be staying.

You couldn’t see much through the overgrown vines against the walls and the complete darkness of the city didn’t help. You could barely see when Chishiya held his hand up to you, signalling for you to stop, which you did. Hanging back whilst he walked ahead. You remained alert whilst he disappeared out of sight. Tokyo was safe but this is still the borderlands.

It didn’t take long before he returned. “It’s this way.” He nodded his head in the direction behind him as he extended his hand. You looked at him blankly for a moment before extending yours in return as he led you around a few more dark corners.

You was shocked when you first see the small cabin style house, you wasn’t even sure these kinds of places existed anymore, especially in a city such as this. It was truly beautiful, you was in awe by the sight that you didn’t realise Chishiya had pulled away from you. You wasn’t much bothered, your focus remained on the small house. Dim lights wrapped around it, allowing for you to see the overgrown flower garden at the front of the house.

A small smile pulled at your cheeks, memories flashing through your mind of the times you and your sister would pick flowers together on the way home from school. You would describe them to her, their colours, their shape and she would ask a thousand questions but you would be ever once get angry. You hadn’t realised you had begun crying until a small drop of water landed on your hand, you effortlessly brushed away the tears, after all these years you had grown somewhat good at holding back your emotions and right now definitely wasn’t the time to be sentimental.

“Im going inside.” Chishiya waved as he opened the door.

You nodded at him as you walked to join him, your pace faster than normal, although the lights made it clear you was never a fan of the dark.

Your shock grew as you was met with a warm feeling as you slipped your shoes off at the door.

“There’s heat?” You asked Chishiya, unbelieving that you had such a luxury anywhere but the beach.

He nodded towards you as he shuffled further into the house. “Heat and hot water.”

You followed behind him, not to sure where you should go. “How?” You sounded a little more blunt than you needed to but after all he had left you and you hadn’t forgotten it.

“I wasn’t going to stay somewhere that didn’t have basic necessities.” He snorted flipping on a small lamp in the corner of what appeared to be the bedroom.

You rolled your eyes at his arrogance, this was the side of Chishiya you hated. “No Chishiya, I mean how did you get heat and hot water. The beach had it because they rigged the generators. So how?”

You slouched against the wall as he threw himself onto the bed, his eyes fixed on the ceiling.

He hummed as he shut his eyes. Once again avoiding another one of your questions, it really was getting tiring trying to figure him out but even so you couldn’t stop.

“Get up.” You huffed.

“What?” He shook his head, his eyes still shut

He really was getting annoying. “I said get up, if you want my help you give me answers I’m tired of playing cat and mouse with you Chishiya.”

He laughed at your words which only fuelled your slight anger towards him. “Who’s the cat?”

You hadn’t been the kind of person to let anger be an emotion that led you, it wasn’t one you favoured or focused on, Instead always choosing to try and stay calm. After all anger never solved anything, yet even so you knew that you couldn’t help what you was about to do, it was almost as if your body had a mind of its own.

Your legs began moving your hand reaching out to grab his arm, with all of your strength you pulled him off the bed onto the floor. His eyes shot open as he pushed himself up. Chishiya although short was still taller than you but somehow it seemed as if in this moment he was completely towering over you.

You let out a laugh at the scowl on his face.

“You think this is funny?” His face was stone cold, you was used to his blank expressions but this was a look you had never seen before.

Your laughter continued as you tried to talk. “You know Chishiya this is hilarious.”

“Shut up.” His voice was monotone and low, Chishiya patience was growing thin but that didn’t stop you.

“You know what I think is funny? I think it’s funny that we are stuck in some fake world, I think it’s funny that men in masks can kill us, I think it’s funny that even after all the deaths we are still stuck here! Don’t you? Don’t you think it’s funny Chishiya?!” Your laughter had disappeared, your voice growing louder.

“You need to calm down.” He turned away from you rolling his eyes.

Maybe it was his complete lack of emotion or your exhaustion but whatever it was it only encouraged your actions in this moment. Your body once again moving as though it had its own mind as your arm reached out to pull him back to you, his body turned to face you allowing you to hit his chest with your fists as words flew from your mouth before you could even think about what you was saying to him.

“What is wrong with you?! Are you fucking crazy or something? Can’t you understand Chishiya? Can’t you understand how dangerous this is? I want to go home, I want to not be afraid anymore because I am! From the day you met me you pulled me in and used me in your little games but I’m done being a pawn for you! You’re just as bad as the people who made this game!” Your hands continued placing blow after blow on his chest, I welcomed tears falling down your face as you did but only when you finished speaking did he react, and not at all in the way you expected.

His slender fingers wrapped around your wrists and his body began pushing yours back against the wall, you tried to shake your arms out of his grip but it was pointless, he was always much stronger than you.

“Let me go you psychopath!” You screamed in his face causing him to look away from you.

His voice was quite but even in your struggle it was clear. “Calm down and I will.”

He held you against the wall for what seemed to be a long time, eventually you had given up fighting, your body exhausted and your weight being placed on Chishiya. The tears hadn’t stopped, if anything being stuck only made them worse.

Chishiya released your arms, your body falling against the wall until you had landed on the floor, you brought your knees up to your chest and wrapped your hands around them. Chishiya sat next to you, his shoulder was close enough for you to lay your head on so you did, letting him once again bear the weight of your head as your tears fell in silence.

You had both sat there for hours, long enough for the sun to rise, taking the world from a eerie darkness to a summers day yet even so neither of you moved. You had fallen asleep after some time, only waking up when Chishiya moved your head onto his leg. When you woke up his jacket had been placed over you, he was so still you thought he was asleep, you finally you wasn’t as you tried to peak at him only to see his eyes staring back into yours.

You say you awkwardly, stretching your neck after being in an awkward sleeping position. You resumed your earlier position with you head on his shoulder, this time you pulled his jacket on instead of having it draped over you.

Even though you had unleashed your anger and fear on him he still stayed, guilt overtook you once again and suddenly it felt as though you was back in his room at the beach. “Chishiya im sorry, I didn’t mean the things I said.”

“You did mean them and that’s okay. They didn’t bother me.” His voice sounded empty but there was a hint of something within it. you couldn’t tell if it was hurt or anger but you guessed a mix of both.

“I wish you talked to me more.” You huffed, your voice full of defeat. If you was going to die or be stuck here forever than having regrets was pointless.

“Talking isn’t my kind of thing.” He whispered. His head slightly falling against yours.

He wasn’t lying. “I don’t understand you, I try to but I don’t. I don’t understanding anything about you or anything you do.” You hummed, your hand tracing patters on your knee.

“I wished you used your brain more.” He sighed. His voice clearly disappointed.

You furrowed your eyebrows as you sat up to look at him. “Are you seriously calling me stupid?”

He shook his head at you, his eyes much softer than last night. “No, but if you used it you may be able to see that if I didn’t care you would be sitting here alone right Now.”

Your mind froze at the sound of Chishiya practically admitting he cares about you, you watched him stand up and walk towards another part of the yet unexplored house. “I’ll make food.”

“Can I help?” You mumble, cooking always was something you found fun.

“Only if you use your brain, I won’t reattach your finger if you chop it off.” He calls back already out of sight.

A small smile tugs at your lips as you stand up and Follow behind him pulling up the sleeves of his white jacket as you prepare to make breakfast together.

“So.. what are we making?”

[noritoshiikamo]

lunch date

part 2 of this childhood friend drabble (ok fr frshould i name this childhood friend series or public sex series bcs hmm you'll see) pairing: gojo satoru + fem!reader genre: smut bcs i think with my hand down my pants when i see gojo tags//warning: established relationship public sex, gojo thinking with dick part 2, mention of breeding kink tagging: @unabashednightmarepizza @sukirichi @sassyeahhhh [lemme know if wanna be tagged in the next part] note: the obligatory trio of mine: unedited, lowercase intended, the obligatory trio of mine: not well edited, lowercase intended, english isnt my first language im sorry if i murder it.

“toru- ah, that hurts!”

his grip to her thighs tightened, “shhh, they can hear you.”

when gojo satoru suggested that they have lunch together, she happily accepted. she didn't suspected anything odd of his behavior. he was so kind to offer to bring her something over and she has been so stressed with her works, she just accepted it with no questions. it was the first text she’d replied after ignoring his many messages and calls.

it has been two weeks since the staircase incident and she started to suspect that he knew that she was actively trying to avoid him for almost a week. she knows gojo satoru like the back of her own hand, she knows he will not forget his promises, and he will hold against her until he gets it. their newly blossomed relationship was doing okay until he popped the question out so casually as she cooked. she couldn’t forget the look on his face.

“so, when are we going to have a baby?” his question that freaked her out lingered in her mind.

a baby

what was she thinking? she smacked her head on the table. “you could’ve asked for a house, or his black card, or something else. but a baby?” her voice strained.

“yes?” the hair on her back stood at the familiar deep voice.

she looked up so fast, her head spun to see her door opened wide. sara, her colleague stood with a slight frown on her face and on her side, gojo satoru. he wore teasing smile, traded his blindfold for his glasses and he looked different. he wore a white dress shirt, sleeves rolled up with a pair of black pants and boots. his outfit looked simple and minimalistic, but don’t be fooled. she knew his shirt costs about the same as her monthly rent.

i can’t believe i picked a baby over his black card, her mind cried at the thoughts.

“i’ve tried stopping him,” sara explained, a glare on her face. he interjected. “i don’t need appointment to see my girlfriend,” gojo stepped inside, holding the door. “girlfriend?” sara questioned. she couldn’t help but to feel satisfied at the reaction her assistant’s face held.

“she gave you, her number?” she asked, one night where he came over. the bed sheet wrapped around her bare body as her eyes raked up and down satoru’s own bare body as he leaned against the headboard. his eyes shut close with his arms flexed behind his head. a small satisfactory smile on his face as he said, “right after telling me that you like me.”

“that bitch,” she hissed, gritting her teeth.

“y/n chan,” his eyes opened, a teasing smirk grew on his face. he leaned forward, the blanket pooled around his waist as he cupped her face in his hand, “didn’t see you as a jealous kind.”

it wasn’t that fact that she was jealous that sara is actively into gojo. she was fuming at her assistant for divulging her personal matter to him. that part first, and then maybe she was a little jealous. but then, sara was the reason she finally gets the guy she’s been waiting for; so at the end she still wins. sara will remain a bitch for a reason.

“it’s okay, we are having lunch together. you can leave,” she dismissed her, rubbing her strained eyes. gojo happily slammed the door shut.

“so, wanna tell me why you’re avoiding me?”

she sighed, her fingers ghosting over the keyboard, his presence has disturbed her mind, “i’m not. i-i’m busy.”

he sat on her chair, crossing his legs as he rested his lanky body against the chair. “you can’t even look at me. what is it?” he asked. her finger stopped above the enter key. she wanted to press it, but she can’t. something is holding her back. she knew what he’s doing. she sighed in defeat and turned to face the elephant in the room. her brows frowned when she realised; “where’s the food?” she asked staring at the empty table.

“huh?”

“lunch? you told me we are having lunch?” she frowned. this idiot did not just suggest that they’ll have lunch together, show up at her office without the promised food. gojo looked at her sheepishly, a small smile on his face.

“oh, that. yeah, i just want an excuse to see you,” his small smile turned sinister as he lolled his head to the side, “you could be my lunch.”

her face pressed against the glass window overlooking the city. her floor wasn’t that high, they could see the streets bellow and the office in front of them. she repeatedly told him that they can’t do this. “they can see us,” she panicked, despite being delirious from his kisses as she let him unbutton her shirt. but a few kisses later, her skirt hiked up, panties in his pocket and his dick hitting her cervix roughly, she was convinced.

“you think you can come for me six times?” he heaved, lips against her bare shoulder, accentuating his words with his every thrust, “six for the amount of days you've ignored me. another five to go, buttercup. should be easy.”

his hand trailed down her chest, her belly until he found her neglected clit. a gentle tap of her bundle of nerves had her throwing her hair back. she was about to come undone; he could feel it from the way she was desperately clamping down on his length and her whining. tears streaming down her face as she bit down on her lips to hold herself from screaming, she could taste blood. her body shuddered, her sweaty skin leaving marks on the glass and the way he just mewled against her ears, praising her made her legs buckled.

he was quick to catch her, hands gripping her waist.

they moved to the desk, pushing all her files and pens aside as he laid her down. he showered her with kisses, slowly trailing them down to her cunt. he eyed her glistening slit, mouth watered. grabbing her legs, he held it open, she whined at the feeling of his warm breath ghosting over her. “satoru, i can’t,” she moaned at the first lick, her hand pressed on his head trying to get away, but he held her tight. “n-no more, ah fuck, fuck!” she could feel his eyes on her, watching her every reaction as his tongue worked their ways. the feeling on his teeth grazing her clit, the tip of her tongue teasing around her entrance, before slipping in.

she tasted so good; it was more pleasurable for him than her. she looked pretty squirming to get away as he held her tighter, tongue darting in and out. overstimulation was hitting her full force and she was high in pleasure. her brain couldn’t comprehend; between the feeling of his breath against her slit, his tongue fucking her, his calloused palms against her waist and the sound he was making. she didn’t give two fucks if the office heard them fucking.

“close, fuck, toru i want-” her words cut off by her own moan.

his tongue switched, sucking on her swollen clit as his finger took over the fucking. it didn’t take long for her to gush out. her head was pounding, his words went in one ear and out the another. he stood up, drools and her fluid covered his chin and onto his bare chest. he helped her sat, she was beyond exhausted. the feeling of his fingers brushing her hair back brought back to the office, she looked up to him with her eyes half drooped. a soft chuckle escaped his lips as he pressed it on hers. “you okay?” he whispered, planting kisses after kisses. “i miss you so much,” he cooed.

“miss you,” was all she could mustered out.

“did i scare you? with the baby talk?” he asked, pulling her in his arms. truth be told, seducing her into fucking in front of the glass window wasn’t the actual reason gojo was here. but her words were just so inviting, he doesn’t mind a little detour. she tasted delicious. she mumbled something against his chest, but he was sure it was a maybe.

“i thought you wanted it.”

she pouted, finally the first sentence her brain could scrambled, “maybe i change my mind.”

“that’s why you ran away from me? you’re scared?” he tilted her head up, his heart warmed at the little pout she had on, “oh buttercup, i won’t lie. the thoughts of you all round and milky with my child is turning me on-” not a lie, because she could feel his cock pressing against her slit, “but it’s okay. one day i’ll change your mind but for now, i’m fine with a little practise now.” she groaned against his lips as she felt his tip slipped in, stretching her once again.

this one was quicker, she was already sobbing mess, clutching desperately on his chest as he chased his high.

the deeper he pushed into her, the faster he had to circle her clit. he’s not a selfish lover, he wants her to feel as good as him too, despite being borderline torturous as she was clearly an overstimulated mess. “you’re so good to me,” he hummed, “you take me in so well. i love the way your tight cunt suck me in.” she really was, with mouth apart panting his name, eyelids drooped, and fingers dug into his flesh with legs apart.

she’s his good little girl.

she nodded, soft mewls could be heard through her pants. the wet kisses he was peppering her skin soon turned into a desperate attempt to leave a mark. she was beyond exhausted to berate him for doing it, so she learned to enjoy the feeling of his fangs against her flushed skin.

“toru, it feels so good,” she rolled her eyes back and he hummed in agreement.

gojo held her throat, not too harsh but not exactly gentle too, “it does, does it?” he grinned, “come, clench around my cock, y/n chan," he teased, in a sing-song tone, "i’m about to fill you up to the brim.” he tightened the grip, she whined. the way the walls tightening around him, had the world strongest’s sorcerer a moaning mess, as his hips snapped faster.

the sound of their skin slapping each other got louder and louder with the squelching of her cunt. his eyes rolled to the back of his head, as he forced his cock all the way inside, his thick seed shooting directly into her womb. his grip on her waist tightened, he was all choke up. they stayed in each other’s arm, struggling to catch a break.

he pinched her cheek for the fun of it, seeing her annoyed and bothered for his own personal pleasure. “what luck you have, y/n. falling in love with someone like me,” he brushed the tear stains on her cheek.

“who said i love you?”

he pressed his hand on his chest, faking the pained look on his face with an ouch. it was never an exchange of i love yous between them; it was him annoying the fuck out of her and her being constantly concern by his childishness. “would you still come home, y/n. i miss you so much, no lies.” he asked as he pulled his pants back up. "i will," she promised. he helped her off the desk, cleaning the mess they’d made and her chasing him around for her pair of panties. she never got it back, her face was as red as her stilettos as she made her way out of the office bare under her skirt. she could hear him snickering behind her.

“c-cancel the rest of my day please, sara. i have some business to take care off,” she glared at the white-haired man running toward the elevator. lunch time was over, and she was beyond fucked to continue her work. literally. not when gojo had made sure to give her the fucking of her life, she couldn’t focus on her work no more. sara gave her a glare, a dirty one, as she eyed her skewered hair and wrinkled clothes. she placed the files on her assistant’s desk, rushing as gojo held the elevator opened.

she made in, jumping instantly in his arms as the door closed. it was just two of them in the empty lift.

she giggled in his arms; his huge smile was contagious. he kissed her so gently, thumb on her back rubbing shapes. his smile grew wider as they pulled away. she tilted her head, confusion on her face and he nudged his head to the door. she turned around only to see their reflection on the elevator’s door. “look closer,” he whispered, and her eyes widened as she realised a trail of his cum, peaking out of her skirt down her legs. her face got even redder as she wasn’t sure if it had just happened or gojo has been letting her walk around with his cum down her legs.

“i’ll murder you, satoru.”

the lift suddenly halted. the number stopped at the ninth floor and she cursed. the lift wasn’t malfunction; she knew exactly what he was doing, and he wasn’t even trying to hide it.

“not going to lie, seeing my cum down your legs, it looks hot,” he said sheepishly, a kiss on her cheek while his hands already made their way underneath her blouse. his brows raised up suggestively.

“will you stop thinking with your dick, satoru?”

“you still owe me two more orgasm, buttercup.”

the light of the lift suddenly tripped, engulfing them in a pitch-black darkness. she jolted in his arms. the emergency light turned on and under the dimmed light, she could see his blue eyes on her like a predatory to its prey. she could feel her throat drying as a kiss landed on her neck.

“we better make our time worth.”

[lovebecomeshim]

hello! your zutara posting today has finally motivated me to ask this question because I came to atla very late(last year, to be specific) and I Love It Very Much but am 1000% out of the loop as far as why what remains of fandom (at least that I've seen among my friends) is so very strongly zutara. I'm not opposed to it per se I just don't really know what has driven it to apparently be such a popular ship? can you help me understand and maybe convert me a little bit?

Hey!! Your ICON! :D I can try but I’m not sure how coherent I’ll be; however I AM sure someone a lot more competent will be willing to add to this. Either way, I’m glad you asked because my plan was to drag down as many people as possible with me.

*smacks the hood of zutara* this baby can fit so much mutual love and support!

This got so long, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to put it under a cut on mobile and it already got deleted once so I’m scared to mess with it lol. Moving on.

I’m gonna start this with a disclaimer that im on mobile so formatting is tricky and I’m also really new to atla in that I only completed my first watch through in like 2019??? So some of my info is all just based on what I’ve picked up from Discourse 👀 so anyway the sparknotes version: zutara was wildly popular from the beginning. To the point where the atla crew internally disagreed on which ship should be endgame. (Ex. Bryke [showrunners] asked the writers to rewrite The Southern Raiders to make Zuko seem less ideal for Katara than Aang [which failed, depending on who you ask]; the animation team purposefully created a visual parrallel between Oma and Shu in the Cave of Two Lovers and Zuko and Katara in the catacombs under Ba Sing Se in the Crossroads of Destiny; etc.)

The ship was popular enough that Bryke actually chose to display zk fanart at a con for the sole purpose of mocking the fans, but that’s neither here nor there. The entire episode Ember Island Players, while a love letter to/parody of the whole show, was an opportunity to address zutara’s viability as a canon pairing (while, again, mocking zutaras for romanticizing that catacombs scene). Point is! It’s always been popular but with it not being endgame, there’s got to be something that’s given it staying power.

And that’s honestly got to do with three things: their dynamic, thematic cohesion, and potential.

(You know what... you know what, it’s four things. The fourth is they’re so aesthetically pleasing together and individually. Like, they’re just good looking people [specifically when they’re grown but they’re also cute kids] and that absolutely doesn’t hurt) (but it’s not the Point, it’s just nice to point out sometimes)

The dynamic is hard to get into without also looking at the canon pairings, but I think I can do that without unnecessary bashing. It’s just that part of the magic of zutara is really highlighted by what they give to each other that their other relationships don’t.

First off, it’s classic enemies to (would be) lovers. The absolute truest form of it. It’s not too different from how CS started out: a rogue antagonist with a job to do—but no personal vendetta against the future love interest—who is deeply and emotionally invested in his personal storyline (revenge/redemption) with little regard for how it effects other people after his entire life and genuine good nature are marred by suffering, and a fierce warrior girl with a strong moral compass and her own personal investment in stopping him (protect her family and save the world doing it). Obviously frustration and animosity grew between them by the nature of them being on opposing sides, but that just lends itself to the sweetness of their later reconciliation.

The thing is that while they’re wildly different on the surface (he’s a hot-headed prince of a fascist regime who is trying to capture the Avatar to please his father; she’s a nurturing daughter of the chief who is trying to protect and train the Avatar in order to topple his father’s throne) they find out that they have so much more in common both in their experiences and their personalities.

(What follows is an excessive use of the word “both” and I’m sorry about that)(I can edit it. I can do that. That IS an option............)

They both have an innate sense of justice that they are determined to see done (zuko, at the war meeting, sticking up for the Earth Kingdom kid when the guards torment his family, choosing not to steal from the pregnant couple despite his circumstances, abiding by his word to leave the SWT should Aang come willingly, etc.; katara, literally.... at any point). They both have pretty one-track minds at accomplishing certain goals once they’ve put their mind to it, regardless of a lack of support in that endeavor (it goes without saying I guess, but zuko’s entire hunt; katara’s determination to get the earth benders to fight back, her determination to absolutely destroy Pakku until he agrees to teach her, etc.). They both lost their mothers at young ages. Their worlds are war-torn and traumatizing to them both, if in different ways, but that ultimately forces them to grow up too quickly to be wholly independent individuals. They both have issues with their fathers (for WILDLY different reasons, but). They both hold extreme prejudices that they need to learn to overcome (which ties into thematic cohesion)(bit like Lizzie and Darcy in that way but magnified by a million). They’re both extremely emotional and empathetic—which can and often does result in loud outbursts. Katara’s a bit better adjusted and can temper her anger for longer than S1 Zuko can, but they both feel that anger deeply and have no compunctions expressing it (Katara is, usually, more justified, particularly in S1. Again, S1 Zuko is severely maladjusted but at the point when they could’ve feasibly become a couple, he’s so much better off with the way he carries himself). They both struggle with feelings of inferiority in their bending abilities when confronted with prodigal benders like Aang and Azula, but have the work ethic required to double down and become two of the most powerful benders in the three remaining nations. This is a little more minor but it is a parrallel that appeals to some shippers that they both have these alter egos in the Painted Lady (notably fire nation coded) and the Blue Spirit (water tribe coded) that are pretty different from who they are day-to-day and are useful in accomplishing a purpose that they as themselves cannot.

(I’m.... I just realized that this could potentially get very long. Should I have made a slide show with bullet points??????)

Anyway, similar. I know there’s more but there’s literally so much to love about zutara that I’ll drive myself a little crazy trying to compile all the ways they’re similar. (Just gonna say that at this exact moment I went back to add more similarities.... so okay then)

Once they’ve reconciled, we see how all of these things only lend themselves to a deeper intimacy together than they share with literally anyone else. There’s a steady partnership that positions them as the mom/dad of the gaang, while also providing the support necessary to allow the other to not have to carry so much responsibility. A lot of zutaras will point out how zuko is actually depicted doing the more domestic chores that are normally relegated to Katara once he joins the gaang, since the others in the group are two 12-year-olds and sokka. The one that sticks out the most is how he makes tea for the group and then serves them, while Katara is able to just relax with her friends around the fire. Fanon expands upon this a lot to Zuko helping with the laundry or the cooking or whatever else needs doing since he, as a once-refugee, is used to doing his own domestic tasks. Before Zuko joined, Katara was the one mothering everyone, sewing for them, cooking for them, etc. She’s always tending to the needs of the group, and that includes emotionally. She does the emotional labor for the gaang 99% of the time, but when she’s the one falling apart, she’s usually doing it alone and without the comfort that she normally provides for others. Until Zuko. And that’s before they’re even friends.

Which is WHY people romanticize the catacombs of Ba Sing Se so much. Katara is verbally attacking Zuko out of her own righteous anger but also her own prejudice when Zuko, surprisingly, chooses to be vulnerable with her. He’s been on a journey that’s opened his eyes a bit, but he’s never actively chosen to expose the rawest parts of his past to anyone. But for some reason he chooses to do that with Katara of all people. While she’s yelling at him. He sees her humanity, and for once can look past his prejudice and empathize with her. And this time, when she breaks down, she gets to be comforted. Katara normally talks about her mother when she’s trying to explain to someone else that she sees and understands they’re pain, as a form of comfort to them. Here, Zuko uses the exact same tactic. He sees her and he understands. And for zuko? He’s not being shut down. He’s allowed to articulate his pain regarding his mother without being ignored and made to internalize it, and he’s allowed to process how he feels about his scar out loud without being told that he deserved it. And then he lets her touch his scar, something we’ve seen him actively avoid before. He’s completely open to her and she’s completely open to him and all it took was one five minute conversation. She was about to use the little bit of Spirit water that she had, that she was saving for something Important, to heal the scar that still daily causes him pain just because they had, somehow, connected.

Plus there’s the whole parallel to the star-crossed lovers forbidden from one another, a war divides their people—

And then zuko messes up, he regresses, he gets what he wants and he HATES it. And the sense of justice he had as a child has been restored to him against his will and he can’t think of anything he wants to do more than the Right Thing, so he joins team avatar. Before he does that though, we get to see his relationship with Mai, which is where comparison really comes in. And what we see is Zuko, fresh off of his encounter with Katara in the catacombs, trying to be emotionally honest with Mai... and getting shut down and dismissed. Which is just how Mai is and it’s fine, but not for Zuko. Still, he keeps trying, and he keeps getting ignored or scoffed at or yelled at. Which is really a larger symbol for how he doesn’t fit in his old life anymore, but again that’s about thematic cohesion. He tries to articulate his anxieties about returning home, he tries to make romantic gestures, he tries to explain how morally conflicted he’s feeling—and Mai diverts to some kind of physical affection to shut him up and a parting comment that is pretty much always, in essence, “I don’t wanna talk about this.” So they don’t. On the other hand, once zuko and Katara are friends, we see him again emotionally distraught and caught up in his anxieties about facing Iroh, and it’s Katara who comes to him and listens to him and comforts and encourages him.

Similarly, we have Aang clamming up and getting uncomfortable whenever Katara shows any negative emotion, usually resulting in him making excuses or running away. Or, in the case of the Southern Raiders, lecturing her on how she needs to just let go of her anger about her mother’s murder. People have talked this episode to death and usually better than I ever could, so imma... keep it brief. There’s a serious disconnect between Aang and Katara in his ability to empathize with Katara and her needs that has her tamping down her vulnerability and amping up her anger. He tells her that he was able to forgive his people’s genocide and appa’s kidnapping (petnapping? Theft??), which is blatantly not true but also not an entirely equal parrallel to Katara’s situation, and continues making these little remarks throughout the episode. But it’s Zuko that Katara opens up to. It’s with him that she’s able to talk about the most traumatic day of her life, and it’s with him that she’s able to get the closure she needs, cementing their bond as friends and partners. This disagreement between Aang and Katara is then... never resolved. They just never bring it up and hear what the other is saying.

There’s a fic called The Portraits of Ember Island that has a line that so completely sums up the heart of the matter for why people love their dynamic. For context, zuko has woken up early to help Katara with the cooking and they spend the whole time just letting one another talk, and zuko stops to ask why she always just lets him talk. And so she stops to ask why he’s always helping, and it goes as follows:

There’s just... so much mutual support! Trust! Intimacy!! And it just continues like that from the Southern Raiders on, listening to each other, advising each other, watching each other’s backs! And then! Literally saving each other’s lives!! I will never be over the last Agni kai. Not ever. Zuko may have been willing to jump in front of lightning for anyone, but he actually did it for Katara. And in a show, that’s the thing that really matters. It’s a fulfilled trope usually exclusively applied to romantic pairings, and it ended up applying to Zuko and Katara. And then she ran out into the middle of a fight with tunnel vision just to get to him.

Also!! Also Zuko pushing Katara out of the way of the falling rocks at the Western Air Temple!! And Katara catching him as he fell from the war balloon that he fought Azula on!! Before they’re even getting along, they’re the ones reaching for each other. They come to this place of equal ground, as partners, who watch each other’s backs, call each other out but still listen attentively and understand, and provide the support that the other has been sorely lacking up until they knew each other (whether that be from lack of effort or lack of understanding from others, or an unwillingness to accept it for themselves).

Then, trailing along under the surface of this, we see the themes of the show totally embodied by Zuko and Katara as individuals and in their relationship to one another. There’s a YouTuber, sneezyreviews, who has a, like, 2-hour explanation on why she not only loves zutara but also believes that their endgame would’ve actually elevated the writing of atla to new levels particularly because of thematic cohesion and resolved character arcs. It’s the zutara dissertation I never knew I needed, and it’s funny and eloquent and effective, so I’m just going to sum up her section on thematic cohesion to the best of my abilities and then link it for whenever you have the time. And I HIGHLY recommend it, especially if you want a full understanding of what makes zutara so great and gives it such longevity.

Guru pathik has a line that goes something like this: separation is an illusion; things that seem different are just two parts of the same whole. Iroh also tells Zuko something similar: balance and strength are achieved when the different nations come together and influence one another and celebrate what makes them each unique. And this lesson is a massive central arc that both Zuko and Katara go through, moving past a black-and-white, good guys-vs-bad guys, us-vs-them mentality and into a greyer, more nuanced view of the world. Zuko sees the fire nation from an entirely new perspective and while he still loves and hopes for his nations future, he surrenders his blind loyalty to them in exchange for an unflinching loyalty to peace and love. Katara too had to come to terms with the fact that cruel people exist in the earth kingdom and water tribes, while some fire nation citizens are just regular, kind people who also need and deserve to have someone speak on their behalf. And this is honed in directly on how they view each other. They grow in their individual journeys to be open to the humanity in the other and then, once they’ve found that, they’re able to grow more in compassion for others in a beautiful feedback loop. And this is all matched in the symbolism repeatedly and intentionally associated with them in canon: sun and moon, fire and water, yin and yang, Oma and Shu who found love despite their warring nations. Their individual arcs are completed in each other and complement the themes of atla beautifully.

The canon pairs... just don’t. Which, again, is fine. But the very things that give atla longevity and popularity are anchored in zutara. Kat@ang doesn’t accomplish this. They’re... nice. Sweet. Especially when you erase a good portion of their interactions in S3. It could’ve been just a sweet love story. (Personally, the dynamic between toph and aang accomplish the same thing that zutara does, with complementary personalities that fulfill the theme of opposites blending in harmony) M@iko, on the other hand, is less sweet but I think wasn’t even supposed to last. Zuko’s relationship with Mai seems to represent his relationship with his old life as a whole. He can’t be emotionally vulnerable, he’s goaded into abusing his privileges, his agency and opinions aren’t respected. They just don’t have common ground with which to discuss anything that matters, so they don’t. As far as themes, the relationship doesn’t fit with atla. It’s zuko returning to and sticking with what is (on the surface) like him, what’s expected. Fire nation with fire nation. Fluid water bender with the flexible air bender. Like with like, separated from what is different and challenging and complementary.

And all of these things combined of course lead to the potential for the ship. I don’t know how familiar you are with the post-atla canon but... well, miss “I will never turn my back on people who need me”, miss “I don’t want to heal! I want to fight!” ends up living quietly in the SWT as a designated healer who turns a blind eye to the water tribe civil war happening right outside her front door. Which can be fine! People change! Some people just wanna stay inside. I just wanna stay inside! But the potential future for zutara is so much more satisfying, with Katara becoming the most unconventional Fire Lady the uppity old cads who are stuck on the old ways have ever seen. Fanon has her serving as a voice for the other nations within a kingdom at the point of its biggest political upheaval, as a confidante to Zuko who can actually help him while he’s trying to figure out how to move forward and make reparations. They have the opportunity, together, to accomplish what they both have set on their hearts to fight for: positive change that lends itself to harmony and balance. And the steambabies! A popular headcanon is that their firstborn daughter, the crown princess, is actually a waterbender, which causes such an uproar among the people who are adamantly clinging to the old ways. It’s just a future full of potential to be forces for good together, full of trust, intimacy, joy. The exact era of peace and love and balance that zuko announces that he intends to ring in with the start of his reign as Fire Lord is, again, magnified by the very personal zutara relationship. And we love to see it.

tl;dr zutara isn’t for everyone. Some people just don’t vibe with it. Some are nostalgic. Some love the canon they grew up with. Some have been disappointed for years. Some just see themselves in other characters and want their happiness instead. Whatever the reason, that’s fine. But for me, I love the way these two, from the moment they give each other a fair chance, are able to lower their walls and prejudices to see the other for the kindred spirits they are. They see each other’s humanity, and their response is to pour out love and support and compassion. I love that they’re a power couple in battle. I love the symbolism and, honestly, soulmatism that colors their every interaction. I love that they embody the whole storyline of atla in their relationship and how it develops, which is notably why their seasonal arcs always culminate in each finale with how they relate to one another. I love that zuko adopting a waterbending move is what actually saves his life and then katara’s. I love the chemistry! And I love the future they could’ve had, instead of the ones they were given.

So, in conclusion: I just think they’re neat and I hope you do too, at least a little bit. Even if it’s just respectfully from a disinterested distance cause you do you. And now here is the video I mentioned. I’m sorry this post got so long and then I gave you an even longer homework assignment, but I can’t recommend it enough. She says it all better than I can.

[pluviophile-imagines]

In Your Arms: Shigaraki

In Your Arms: a collection of short fics about cuddling with various characters. Find the masterlist here. This one does double duty as my contribution to another BNHA Sanctuary collab, with fics based around the prompt “[....] is concerned because Y/N isn't sleeping.“ The masterlist for that is here!

You’re being annoying.

Well, that’s not quite accurate. You’re not being annoying, which is annoying. Tomura hadn’t come all the way to your apartment for you to ignore him and focus on studying. He’d come all the way here to ignore you and focus on playing video games, and act irritated by the way you’d slowly drape yourself over him more and more until you’d sit completely in his lap, obscuring his view and forcing him to put down the game in favor of paying attention to you. That’s how it’s supposed to work.

You’re not supposed to be laying sprawled out on your stomach with your textbooks and laptop out in front of you, only just touching him with a single bare foot draped over the back of the bed.

He can’t focus on his game when you’re being so difficult. His character dies again—jumps straight into a pit of lava—and he huffs at the grating death riff that plays over the all too familiar game-over screen. He starts the level again. It’s the sixth time.

When he’d sent you his usual im coming over text, he’d been surprised and slightly offended when you’d responded by telling him you were busy. He hadn’t seen it until he was at your townhouse, though, and your window was open like it always is when you invite him in, so he’d climbed up the trellis and slipped through. You’d greeted him with a tired, distracted murmur and hadn’t addressed him since, aside from pushing yourself down as he took his usual seat at the foot of your bed to nudge his shoulder just barely.

What are you studying for, again? Some big important exam for your hardest class, or so you’d told him. He doesn’t understand why you bother going to university; it’s not as if you’ll be needing a degree when you’re spending the rest of your life at his side. He also knows how much it means to you, though, and despite how he personally feels about higher education he doesn’t want you to fail. You’d be devastated. Beyond that, he does want you to succeed in the things you care about.

Tomura’s character dies again. This time he quits, growling and tossing the controller to the side. He doesn’t even bother turning off the console as he whips about where he’s seated to glare at you over the edge of the bed.

It takes you a moment to realize he’s moved. That in itself makes his annoyance surge; he’s glaring harder as you flip over. When you begin to pull your legs back to sit up he surges forward to grab them and prevent you from moving away from him—carefully, always carefully, pinky fingers raised despite the double-digit gloves he wears to prevent any accidents.

“I told you I was busy,” you huff. “Not my fault you came over anyway.”

“You said you wouldn’t mind the company.”

“I don’t mind it, I like spending time with you even when I have to be working on other things.”

“You’ve been working on other things for six days,” he grumbles. Nearly a week. This is his first time seeing you in nearly a week. It’s a miracle he hasn’t died from lack of attention, and you’re lecturing him on giving you space? His reasons for coming over aren’t even that selfish, damn you and your supernatural ability to make him drop everything to make sure you’re okay.

But he’d been able to tell that you weren’t okay even through the phone. You’re exhausted, and it’s even more obvious now that he’s in your room with a good look at your face.

So Tomura doesn’t let you go back to your work. He tightens his grip on your legs instead (still cautious, constantly cautious, with six digits rather than ten, pinkies and ring fingers raised) and doesn’t wait for you to protest before he yanks you off the bed.

Your yelp is cute. Everything about you is cute, of course, but there’s something he particularly likes about the way your voice is laced with surprised laughter as he snatches you bodily from your place on your bed and drags you down into his lap. It’s clumsy despite (or rather because of) how careful he is with his deadly grip, and you end up turned around with your back along his legs and your feet propped up on the end of the bed.

“How much have you slept since we last hung out?”

You pout, clearly aware that he won’t like the answer.

“Brat,” he rasps, “studying is useless if you pass out during the exam.”

“What’re you gonna do about it, then?”

Well, he can’t let you get away with that. You forget he’s an S-rank villain.

He stands suddenly, arms strong around your torso as he lifts you and throws you back onto your bed. Again, you yelp; but you’re long used to his manhandling by now, and you’ve told him how much you like it, so he knows the shriek is mostly for show. You turn around, making to go back to your notes, and though he’s well aware you’re not actually intending to return to your studying he still lunges faster than you to shove all your supplies off the bed.

“Tomura!” you whine—he can hear that you’re half serious now, and six months ago when all this was still new he might have paused to apologize, but instead he just grabs you again to pull you under the covers with him.

It’s sufficiently distracting. All thoughts of your studies have clearly been dashed from your mind as he rolls over to hold you on top of him, chest-to-chest, thick quilt and soft sheets covering the pair of you.

Tomura can’t help himself as he tucks his head in the crook of your neck, burying his face against your soft skin. It’s always a little overwhelming simply being in your room, but your scent surrounds him now, both from the bed he’s holding you hostage in and you yourself.

It’s warm too, pleasantly so; so often Tomura feels chilled to the bone, but that’s rarely the case when you’re around, always sharing your body heat with him in one way or another.

Your arms move to drape over his shoulders. You prop yourself up slightly, staring down at him as he pulls his head back to look up at you. He’s come to know you well enough to recognize that you’re planning something; he tightens his hold on you, preparing for you to make a getaway attempt, not that you stand a chance to get very far against his strength and reflexes.

“You’re not leaving. We’re sleeping.”

You hum in response, an acquiescence (though he doesn’t loosen his grip, less because he’s afraid you’ll leave now and more simply because he likes the feeling of you in his arms). He holds you like that for a time, listening to or perhaps more feeling the soft rhythmic beat of your heart against his chest and your quiet, steady breath.

One of your hands moves, tracing down the side of his face, thumb reaching across to brush over the scar on his eye and then doing the same further downward to its companion on his lip. Then it drops, finding a permanent resting spot on his chest, heavy palm warming him over his heart.

You lean in. His eyes flutter closed, sight going dark so that he can focus on his other senses—the weight of you on him, the smell of your shampoo, the brief little sound you make in the back of your throat that he’s come to learn means you think he’s being cute.

Your lips land on his scarred eye, featherlight and fleeting, a brush of a kiss. Then they’re just below his mouth, an identical kiss on what you affectionately call his beauty mark. Finally, they press to the corner of his mouth, that other scar (he used to be self conscious of it, frankly, but you don’t even have to tell him just how much you like it, he’s figured that out on his own thanks to how much attention you give the little blemish and your minute reactions every time you get the chance to feel it).

You’re sluggish as you pull back. You’re finally feeling the exhaustion, he can tell. He should really let you sleep, that’s why he’s here and forced you into bed with him in the first place, but he follows your lips anyway.

It’s a sweet kiss, slow and languid but not entirely passionless as his hand slides up your spine to find home on the back of your neck. He can feel you melt into him, letting him take the lead and relinquishing any active part in the process to him. Your heat seeps into him. He doesn’t get tired much, but at times like these your own exhaustion affects him, bidding him to follow you into dreamland—not that he’d ever complain about sleeping with you.

When the pair of you separate, you all but fall onto him, finally letting your heavy eyelids close as you bury your face into his marked neck. You mumble something into the skin there, almost too quiet to hear; a slurred out, “G’night.”

Tomura turns his head into you to press a kiss to your temple as he succumbs to your siren call and joins you in slumber, voice impossibly low so you won’t hear (though he knows you will anyway, perceptive as you are). “Sleep well, player two.”