#am i so wrong to want to worry about what's on earth while I'm here and to worry about death after death??

[fluffableraccoon]

i hate that Religious Folks™️ always have to try to convert me under the pretense that "it's just 'cause I Care about You So Much"

I'm agnostic I'm not a damn swing state

[bunny-jpeg]

bet it on black

toto wolff

tags: smut/pwp, las vegas, sugar daddy au, sugar daddy!toto, mafia boss!toto, gambling, drinking, ditzy!reader, hotel room sex, daddy kink, dirty talk/degrading language

a/n: didn't write any christmas fics because i'm not the biggest celebrator of christmas, so here, are some fics to enjoy all year round! i am going to devour from wontons and take a nap- happy holidays <3

"play that card." you pointed to the ten of hearts while you were seated in toto's lap. you were currently at the aria hotel and casino on the las vegas strip, curled into the lap of your alarmingly older lover. the type of age gap to raise an eyebrow at.

you didn't care, you were both adults! plus toto wolff took very, very good care of you. he shifted you in his lap and said, "shh, shh, i don't think that's the best i can play." his tone low, for such a dangerous man, he was quite gentle with you. as gentle as a mafia boss could be.

you nodded and held onto the front of his crisp button up. you pressed your cheek against his shoulder and could almost hear his heartbeat. you asked quietly before toto played, "can we get ice cream after this?"

you know what you were doing was wrong. you shouldn't have gotten involved with a mobster. such a dangerous man. but, how could you not? not when they looked like toto wolff! you had no choice, but to fall head over heels in love with him. tall, handsome, dangerous, the type of man you wanted. and he so happen to want you in return.

you were his slice of heaven on earth, so when he went on a "vacation" to the united stated, he had to bring you. it was only a night in the city before you two traveled towards california. you were close to his side the entire time.

the city of sin, this was where he took you. despite it being an informal vacation, there still was work to do. there was always work to do. when he left you stayed in the hotel and when he returned, he gave you his undivided attention.

"let me get that for you, princess." he often said as he got you what you needed, he guided you from place to place with a hand on your lower back. his kisses were soft and loving. he was a guiding hand, a caring force in your life.

so even when you gazed at the cards he put on the table, you clearly didn't know your way around a card game. but he still kissed you on the face and said, "good try, my love." you made quite the pair, especially when toto teased you by slipping his hand up your short skirt for a moment. his long fingers grazed your panty-clad pussy. his other hand held another round of cards. you squirmed a little in his lap and he held you a little tighter. "no need." he said, "be a good and stay still, my good luck charm." then pressed another kiss onto you warmed skin.

"are you winning, daddy?" you asked softly.

toto kissed you at the top of your head and replied, "no need to worry about that, my prize.' his fingers grazed your clothed sex once more and you felt a shudder run through you. couldn't be too loud at the cards table.

the stallion, the wolf, the feared man of europe. so many names for a man like toto. you kissed his shoulder and shifted in his lap a little as his fingers continued to make home under your skirt. you felt protected, safe in his arms. he was terrifying to most, but to you, he was just toto.

after another round and more chips in the man's possession. he asked you, "why don't we go back to the hotel? i know you wanted ice cream, but i'd rather something much warmer instead. let's collect our winnings, my prize." he said as he kissed your jaw that he held in his hand.

and who were you to deny your lover?

toto kept you close once the chips were cashed out. you both made it back to the hotel room, his larger hands were all over you once you were in the lavish room. he kissed your warmed skin, any inch of bare skin he could get his mouth on. you got out of your heels hastily and he soon looked down at you and rubbed himself through his slacks. he was a man who carried so much power, and you were the won drove his mad. to hold you, to have you, and devour you through sexual endeavor.

you laid naked on the king sized bed in the hotel room. toto found is amazing, an angel in a place like this. he smirked as he said, "you look beautiful, especially with no clothes on. you look like a dream."

he swallowed as he stripped himself free of his clothes. you admired him as article after article of clothes ended up on the floor. you rubbed your thighs together with anticipation. when he got into bed you wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. your bare breasts against his chest. he held onto you by the middle and smiled at you.

"are you going to be okay, daddy? do you want me on top?" you asked innocently.

toto raised an eyebrow, "what are you implying, my prize?" he pressed further into you and held you a little tired.

you replied, innocent still in your tone, "your knee, daddy. it was bothering you earlier, that's why i was seated on your other leg." and toto took you by the face.

"implying i can't keep up while in a little pain, my darling?" you were playing a dangerous game. you swallowed and shook your head. toto chuckled and kissed your heated cheek, "you look adorable. i know you worry about me, darling."

you soon ended up face down in the covers. toto had shifted your hips up and you moaned a little. you called his name, "daddy." and it was music to toto's ears as he teased your cunt.

he soon sank in, unable to wait much longer, and your noises got louder. he loved the feeling. it was unlike anything he had before. unlike any drug or person he ever had before, you were addictive in your own way. a scary man like him could easily fold because of you. it was sweet, toto knew his greatest weakness would be his forever. he quickened the pace of his hips up against you.

the older man kissed at your shoulders. he knew he could keep up with his prize. in the bedroom, man younger than him needed a little help. he didn't need anything to get him going, definitely no medications. he worked himself against you. your noises fueled his movements. you sounded like heaven with a body of an angel.

"mmm, fuck daddy!" you arched your back with a lustful force. your breathing was heavy as he fucked you with quicker movements. even at his age, he still hadn't slowed down.

"my little treasure. my little slut. most would kill for what you had. but you got it so easily all because you knew the right man to fuck. putting that needy cunt and slutty throat to use." he pressed into you further, "you're a special little thing. spoiled too, but i guess that's my fault." he held onto your hips a little tighter and until your voice got caught in your throat.

toto spoiled you and idolized you like the sun. but he could also be quite aggressive in the bedroom. you could feel him in your stomach, his hard length hit against the right areas. you were how everything. in a world of money, power and violence. you were a sliver of heaven that toto could come home to. not just sex, but when you cooked him dinner and played with his dark hair while on the cough together. being in your space, in your arms, in your heart.

you made his laugh just as much as you arousing him. you were his always his. toto was protective of you, that was why he needed to be as close to you as possible when he could. you arched your back a little and panted against the soft covers. it was probably the most comfortable place he had fucked you. you were certain that you still had imprints in your skin from the leather seats of expensive cars. you preferred a soft bed like where he was fucking you now

"all mine." he said with a bit more tenderness, "every inch is mine. top to bottom." his pace grew hungerier with each just of his hips. he wrapped a strong arm around your middle and bounced you on his cock.

"daddy!"

"you're just my little slut, aren't you? you love all the attention i give you. you leave me hungry for more with each time i have you. i'm obsessed with you, my little angel." and the devil would defile an angel, a wolf to devour a lamb. and toto wolff would fuck you until you were left a shaky, whiny mess. he continued to fuck you, he was rough with his movements and you were left moaning. he moved your body to his liking, which brought pleasure through your body.

his cock was bully inside of you. the head of a dangerous family, the man who knew his way around guns, knives and baseball bats. danger and blood clung to him like a second skin, but yet, he needed you. his angel plucked from heaven.

the woman he carnally desired.

"fuck, my prize. my treasure." he groaned as he listened to your sweet noises. you sugary sweet needy noises only fueled him to fuck you harder. he felt the excitement run through him as he worked your sweet pussy.

"daddy, please. i'm close." you arched your back a little more and your face further buried in the covers. you held onto them as he rocked into you. it was like a symphony of pleasure in your head. you were moved up and down on his cock, he fucked you with a heated purpose and left you gasping below him. it didn't take much longer before he felt you clench around him. your heated body came around him, encouraged by the bullying pace of your lover.

heavy pants and weak grasps of the covers, you came around his hard cock with your back arched and your voice muffled into the covers. the pleasure and lust boiled over and it made your entire body feel amazing. he kissed the back of your neck and you melted a little at his touch. you laid perfectly under him as he worked your spent body.

a few more heavy, heated thrusts and he finished inside of you. he shoved his entire length into you and felt the splash of heat. he groaned through a tense jaw at the feeling. he slowed to a stop and turned your head enough to kiss you on the lips before he pulled out. soon you were laid out on the bed together, toto had his briefs back on and you were wearing the undershirt he wore.

you were curled up at his side, your lover kissed our face. praise was loose on his tongue, you did such a good job for him. you felt like a dream and he loved you. you held onto him, and despite the danger that he could pose. he held you softly, with a total love and conviction he held for you. that he'd always have for you <3

[flamingpudding]

I love your writing so much but I'm here with a crack idea just imagine deage Dan is Klarion.

Dan was able to find out who he is outside of Danny then he was able to change his name Klarion Jackson Fenton/Nightingale he is still a little villain boy also now a mom boy.

Ghost King Danny is his mom young justice was so confused when Klarion you're the best gifts get your mom after not talking to him for a while to also begging them to pretend to be his friend . Justice League dark is panicking in the background about the electric being that just shows up.

Danny in full ghost king attire standing there with a plate of cookies ready to meet his son's new friends.

Thanks so much! I am glad you enjoy my writing!

Also thanks because I absolutely love this Idea/Prompt! Sooooo please enjoy this piece inspired by it! Also I haven't consumed a lot of DC material lately so i am basing this all on my memories. In other words.... I went with Tim's little team here.

Hope that's okay and that this won't disappoint.

-------------------

Dan, who was going by Klarion for some years now, had a massive problem. It was the huge kind of problem build on small bubbles of lies that then turned into this one giant bubble that was about to pop just because of one little question asked by his mom when his sister decided to throw him under the bus to deflect from herself and the fact that she was dating a demon. Don't get him wrong he still loves her, but man did he want to strangle Danielle right now.

"So Klarion, Ellie is right. When will I get to meet your friends you told me so much about?"

It was such an innocent question from his mom. And while his moms titles don't scare him, cause at some point in time they could have been his too, the happy dopey smile like nothing was wrong in the dimensions with little expectations directed at him was the scariest thing his mom could ever direct at him when he had asked THAT question.

So now Klarion was in need of a quick solution. When his mom had asked he had mumbled out a quick: "Next week maybe. We won't be busy with hero stuff then." He had started to form a plan. First of all, he needed to remember what all he had told his mom about his new and redeemed life on Earth 43 he had build for himself with the name Klarion Jackson Fenton-Nightingale.

Which fuck. There was a lot he had told his mom just so he wouldn't worry.

Cause now he also remembers that whenever he had gone out to cause some chaos he had made it seem to his mom like he was going out to bond with his new friend or help them with their hero duty. Well, in a way maybe his chaos causing could be seen as bonding. The ghostly kind, that is. And as for helping with the hero duty... he did give them work, something to do with their hero status. Anyway Klarion tried to remember all possible names he had dropped. Shit why did he also mention to his mom that he was working with heroes to make her proud? He should have name dropped some villains instead but nearly all of them were adults. He knew his mom would have frowned if he had only adult friends and no one around his age.

He was pacing his room in their castle. He need a plan, a good one at that. He knows he name dropped Robin, now Red Robin, Superboy and Impulse on a whim once. Superboy more so cause his mom had been interested in the Alien Heros of the Earth of the dimension he was partially living on now. He had mentioned Robin for the joke of knowing that there is a Dinner in an other Dimension with the same name. And because his Grandfather didn't like the Flash-clan which meant his mom didn't like them too much because of their messing with timelines either, he had mentioned being friends with Impulse on pure spite because of a punishment one day and to see their reactions. So he had to get these three on board anyway, and because for the heck of it he would get Wonder Girl involved too. It was never bad to have a girl in a friends group.

Klarion stopped his pacing. Turning towards his demonic ghost cat companion, kind of what Cujo was to his mom now. "Teekl, I think I have a plan. I will convince these Idiots, that shouldn't be a huge problem. Most of them are normale little flesh sacks." Teekl and him stared for some time at each other and after a moment Klarion huffed turning away with crossed arms. "It's a good plan don't be so sceptical, they are heroes right? They will not refuse my request!"

Well maybe Klarion should have planned this a bit better.

The next day Red Robin blinked at the witch boy up from the ground in the living room of what looked like to be an normal apartment. He had just been in Gotham, working on a case and now he was here? Looking to the left he also noticed that Superboy (the older), Impulse and Wonder Girl were also with him. They all looked stunned he observed and partially disoriented. Additionally they hadn't heard from Klarion since the last time they had foiled his plans on raging chaos upon the earth, that had been weeks ago.

"Kla-"

"I have summoned you heroes here. For the moment it is fruitless to try to leave because of the magic barrier." Okay rude to be cut of but that explained why he suddenly wasn't where he remembered to be last anymore. It was now Superboy who opened his mouth first but before he could even make a sound Klarion decided to speak over them again. "I have presents."

Four young heroes collectively blinked, confused, stunned and weirded out. As the which boy before them waved over to wards a table filled with boxes and packages. "I come in peace today, to proof that I brought these are presents, filled with various goods from different dimensions that should be to the liking of you all. Technologie, accessories, snacks, weapons, as well as clothing styles."

Red Robin shared a glance with his friends, a silent communication but before he once again could say anything Impulse was already by the table going through the stuff. They could here his 'oh's and 'ah's, which inevitably made them curious and they wandered over too. Klarion was not acting hostile at all yet but Red Robin did not trust that so he kept the which boy in clear view the entire time.

"Rob! You gotta see this! That actual futuristic Tech!"

"Look at these snacks."

"These accessories don't look to bad..."

His eye twitched when he noticed Klarion was sporting a smug look. Red Robin had to ask now, because this was not normal for the other. "Okay usually you would have started some big shot chaos plan by now. I don't buy this peace offering act and your way to formal talking. So what is going on?"

The other three, thankfully in Red Robins opinion, finally looked away from the tempting gifts and also turned their attention fully on Klarion. Who's smug smile falter as he let out a sigh and stared at them with what they could only describe as a frustrated look.

"My mom is planning to visit me."

"And?" Impulse asked between munching on three different bags of chips that where on the table.

"And he believes I am friends with you idiots."

They stared slack jawed. Impulse was pinching himself like he couldn't believe what they had just heard. Did one of their Villains, just informed them that their mom believes they were friends? Red Robin was starting to think he might be in a sleep deprived Hallucination.

"Why would she?" Wonder Girl questioned next to which Klarion glared at her with fire in his eyes.

"First of, my mom uses the pronouns he/Him. Be rude to my mom and I will find a way to make your life a permanent hell on earth." Wonder Girl blinked lifting her hands as in a sign of peace. "Second, my mom is under the believe that i work with heroes not against them. I do not have the heart to disappoint him after everything that happened in the past. So I embellished the truth a little."

"A little?" Superboy retorted sarcastically, to which they caught a light blush dusting the which boy's cheeks.

"Look my sister threw me under the bus and my mom wants to meet my friends now! So I need you idiots to play nice with me for when he visits!"

"And we will do that because?" Red Robin crossed his arms, watching their villain sceptically still not really buying this entire act. This was to strange of an behaviour change. Something was up, and he was going to get behind it.

Klarion on the other hand was starting to panic internally. His plan was not as he had hoped. The presents he had specifically gotten from other dimensions with what he believed was their interests did not work to make them simply accept his request. This was the last time he would listen to old man Vlad on how to bribe humans, he wasted his entire week on getting all that stuff. His mom was going to show up soon enough he need to have them act as his friends by then so he could remove the magic barrier. Or else his mom would notices he faked everything.

They left him no choice. He would have to throw his pride away for the sole reason to not disappoint his mom.

All four Young Justice Heroes blinked as Klarion suddenly threw himself on the ground before them into a pleading position.

"Please! I beg you, just for the time my mom is here. Please act like my friends!"

"I didn't think Klarion was a mama's boy...." Impulse whispered to the rest of them in pure disbelief as they stared stunned at the kneeling witch boy.

Cut to the heroes that noticed their teens were missing.....

"Where is he?" Batman growled at the Constantine who was sighing tiredly.

"Look mate, the way you and the other Spandex wearing friends explained it, made it sound like they got summoned by a being of the Infinit Realms." The blond man sighed lighting another cigarette eying the four heroes, Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman and Flash. Zatanna was behind him pouring over a book about the realms and trying to find a tracking spell to trace it back and to where they could have been summoned.

"Don't you have something like a tracker on your boy?" Batman only growled something under his breath to which the Brite couldn't help to arch and eyebrow. Constantine was going to say something sarcasting as Deadman suddenly appeared a panicked look on him. "The Ghost King has chosen to come to our dimension."

"Say bloody what now?" All attention that had been on the heroes and their problem of missing teenage heroes turned now to Deadman and the news he brought with him. "The ghost, shades and spirits talked, for the king has decided to visit our Dimension. They are in an uproar, no one knows of why our King is on his way."

"Bloody fucking hell!" Constantine cursed. "We are fucking screwed! Isn't that guy a fucking tyrannical eldrich war maniac?!"

Deadman nodded solemnly and Constantine uttered another hearty and colourful 'fuck'. While the heroes present exchanged worried glances, not only were their kids missing but now a, by the sounds of it, highly dangerous being decided to appear in their dimension? Batman couldn't help but think that there had to be a connection to the missing teens and this.

Meanwhile in the Infinite Realms the Ghost King Castle...

Danny smoothed out his fur trimmed cape and adjusted his crown so it was floating nicely and evenly on his head. Today was the day he would get to meet his sons friends. He needed to make a good first impression. That was why he had chosen to take on his Ghost King form for this. With the wave of his hand he made an ice mirror appear before him, checking how he was looking once again. Once satisfied he nodded to himself looking over towards Fright Knight who was holding the plate of cookies he had baked himself. It was the fifth batch, and the only one that didn't turn out burned. He had needed Jazz help for this one to turn out well. It was only proper if he brought some cookies for the kids. Also he would have loved to bring his families fudge but... the last time he had tried making them had turned into a disaster.

"Thanks Frighty. Do you think Klarion's friends will like these? Wait don't answer! If they don't like them I will just get something else to thank them for taking care of my boy." Danny rambled on as he glanced at the plate of cookies in his hands. Why was he so nervous? He was just going to get to meet his little boy's friends. Sure his boy had dropped some stories about them and his adventures with them here and there. But hearing stories and meeting the kids were two different things.

Shaking his head Danny put on his best smile as he summoned a portal to Klarions apartment in the 43th Dimension of Earth. It was time to visit his boy in the place he had made his second home and thank the people that looked after his kid.

[faeryarchives]

savanaclaw with a furina - like female reader!

the "regina of all waters, kindreds, peoples and laws" is deeply loved by all. under her flamboyant and imprudent facade, lies a girl holding an unbearable weight and guilt on her shoulders to save her people. note: as requested and i love furina sm hihi i will also write for other dorms warning: major spoilers for genshin archon quest other fics: heartslabyul with a furina-like reader & i'm not jealous !! & to my beloved & more than words

-‘๑’- leona kingscholar

"huh? what is the esteemed dorm leader of savanaclaw doing in front of my house?" "... why do you look like you didn't sleep for days? nevermind, take back your pets - they've been following me the whole day and poking me with water." "oh my archons, they like you!"

leona knew different kinds of people, faes and beastmen but never a god! not that you broadcasted it to the world - of course he heard it while grim was chatting away from the garden

so this lion observed your moves and to be honest, you were just like an ordinary person

"what are you doing hiding behind me?" "ahem! you know, i don't really know the forest that much so i would appreciate if i would put myself behind yo- ahhh! what is that?!" "it's just a branch, herbivore. i never knew you are scared of branches."

he actually gained another chess player buddy - he discovered it at the cost of being drenched in water from your water familiars

never he would imagine how on earth did you not go crazy standing in for your archon and acting for so so long? and despite belittling you and your friend group, he couldn't believe his ears when you stood up for him against the other dorms

"what leona did was wrong but how would you feel if all the trainings and efforts were all in naught and overlooked by the people you considered as family? imagine if your fate has already been sealed before you were even born?"

oh, he didn't expect you of all people to do that honestly + not so bad at all so expect a lot of sweets everyday curtesy of this lion

don't tell anyone but with you acting just as yourself and discovering your passions with him as a witness - leona feels proud like a lion watching his cub succeed

extra: you and cheka really go along well to the point that leona thinks cheka might replace him with you someday

-‘๑’- ruggie bucchi

ruggie trusts his skills in sneaking around and swiping things if needed and he will bet that no one could ever discover him immediately

"after pulling a prank on grim and my salon members, you must think that i am much of a gullible fool?"

now you both did really met at a rough start - the hyena thought you would be more snobbish and not to mingle with people below his level especially after hearing you being a god

but seeing you shielding him during leona's overblot and regularly visiting him during his recovery at the clinic made him questioned his thoughts about you

"why are you always visiting me? i thought you hated me?" "...? where did you get that nonsense? if i do hate you, i would go out of my way to buy these doughnuts for you."

well look at you two now! close like two peas in a pod - you really enjoyed spending time with ruggie because you were seeing the world in a different perspective

having hard time picking your new macaroni menu for the day? no worries, ruggie will make sure you will be able to cook other meals than this. not good with bargaining with sam? hold his groceries, he have this in the bag.

"more interesting trinkets for me~!" "oh you collect trinkets? why didn't you say so?"

omg new trinket collector buddy 🥺 whenever you give him something such as a bracelet or even a hairclip he will wear it like a badge of honor

it's alright to help other students but he is worried that being to kind in nrc might backfire on you

"you shouldn't be too trusting here. i know you just want to help but like your friends said - you should also help yourself at times."

while he might not look like it but ruggie can sense your mood change accurately especially when it involves the topic of your past

this one whole year on nrc might not be comparable to your 500 years of living but ruggie will make sure that it will be the best one

-‘๑’- jack howl

other than the adeuce and grim team - jack is the person you actually vibe with!

maybe its because his sense of justice and responsibility reminds you of a dear friend back home and it actually comforts you to see it + makes you feel less homesick

this man is very used to his little siblings so expect him to come off as a brotherly vibes + probably makes you an exemption to touching his ears and letting your salon members put some design in his hair

"... do you think these three would be great teammates during magift competitions?"

"hmmm, i must say they do make a great team. what if we bring it up to leona, i think these three will enjoy it very much."

well the dorm leader liked the idea but seeing how they acted during the practice - it's safe to say it is very risky because they only listen to you, jack and leona

ANYWAYS jack sometimes come to the ramshackle dorm just to wake you up knowing you probably stayed up late reading your novels

he tried inviting you to his morning run only to see you the next day already tired and carrying you on his back after one run

"you can't blame me okay! i was born to drama and directing not in running!"

speaking of carrying you on his back he sometimes do it just because he wants to especially when jack knows too well how much you overwork yourself

while he can read you very well, you can also read this guy by the book through his ears and tail movement

"... jack what are you doing here so late?" "…what? it’s not like i was waiting for you or anything." "i never said that though?" "hmp." while he look away, his tail would impatiently wag and hit the wall behind him making you laugh "uhuh, whatever you say. let's go back to our dorms now big guy."

it turns out that while spending the whole afternoon up to evening, jack wanted to accompany you back to the dorm safely - worried that someone is bullying you because you were down for days.

he is not that expressive with words - but just know that jack will always be your friend despite your upbringings or not being open to tell your past, he understands it pretty well

[andy-wm]

i'm wondering how your thesis of "idols will come out when they want" fits into your insane shadow analysis attempting to prove jimin and jungkook fucked in the middle of their travel show (amongst other things)? like do you get joy out or trying to drag someone out of a closet they might not be in? or is it something else? just curious! 😀

Hey wdcmaxy

Since you have the guts to use your name I'll respond :)

So, you read my thesis?

*Sips whisky*

Cool. And you read my insane shadow analysis too?

Hmmm... do you come here often?

Let me answer your question then.

I think we both know the shadows analysis isn't really insane - it's based on very basic earth science. Shadows grow longer as the day progresses because of the rotation of the earth on its axis. You sound reasonably literate so i assume you know this already.

I guess your description of my shadow analysis ( I think I'll name my next racehorse 'Shadow Analysis') as insane is an attempt to discredit the idea that a fair bit of time passed while Tae was out of the house? But that was kinda silly on your part. Even children know that shadows change as the day passes.

Nothing insane about it.

He was gone for hours, no debate.

Now let's move on to the fucking part, and when and how idols choose to come out.

This is actually worth discussing.

As flattered as i am that you think my tiny insignificant blog could be a game changer for anyone, let's be real.

How many people, besides yourself, do you think read my blog?

Serious question.

I'm estimating maybe 100. Double that on a good day. Maybe 300 if i write something REALLY profound which doesn't happen often.

I am way less excited about my impact on the world than you are, because I'm a realist.

BUT if by some strange twist of fate my blog came to the attention of someone whose opinion mattered (I'm not counting you, don't worry) do you think they would take it seriously? Do you REALLY imagine a random tumblr post about shadows could make someone believe that an idol was gay if they didn't already believe it?

Here's a great example of how that wouldn't happen:

You, dear reader.

You're my example.

You came here to tell me I'm speaking shit and that I should pull my head in, correct? My insane shadow analysis hasn't changed your beliefs at all. You're here, throwing a tantrum on my page, because you don't agree with what I'm saying, not because you suddenly believe it.

Or ...

Perhaps you suspect it's true and that scares you. Maybe you can't be absolutely sure I'm wrong and that's why you need to yell at me? Could that be it? Time for a bit of self reflection?

Either way, it's not going to make an iota of difference in the grand scheme of things.

We are all just dust motes floating through time and space, my friend. You dont need to worry so much. The universe is unfolding exactly as intended.

However... There are a couple of things we should agree on:

The fact is that the shadows grew long and therefore, time passed. And Tae was out for several hours. Maybe he went out for a bit of afternoon delight himself? Maybe Jimin and Jungkook played Pokemon Go all afternoon, or prayed, or practiced their English, or braided each other's hair.

Regardless of whether they did or didn't fuck, or how many times, or on what surfaces, the time still passed.

And whether I write my blog or not, people will believe what they believe. And they will be gay or they won't be gay.

And even though I never mentioned anything about them fucking in that post, whether you like it or not Jimin and Jungkook might be fucking right now, as you read this.

One last thing...

Please bear in mind, through all of this, that fucking is not the be all and end all of life. Sure its a lot of fun if you do it right but the notion that it's more meaningful than sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings, or giving someone your time and energy, is bullshit.

You can have a roots-deep love for someone and never even think of fucking them. Or you can meet someone in a public toilet and have at it, and leave without even knowing their name.

Sex does not equal love. Fucking is not that big of a big deal.

Unless...

Unless you're fucking someone the patriarchy doesn't want you to fuck. Then its a major issue.

Hear me out.

The need to control who we fuck is based a patriarchal need to control material wealth.

To control material wealth, the patriarchy needs to control reproduction (so they can be sure their wealth stays with their bloodline, because wealth is built over many generations) and to do THAT they need to control womens' bodies.... and to do that, of course they need to control who women fuck. And who men fuck too!

Do you know what the ACTUAL issue is with men who like dick? They don't automatically buy into the patriarchal way of life. (where's the solidarity, lads?)

Why don't they?

Because lifelong monogamy and marriage and nuclear families don't matter as much when you're not equating love with sex, and sex with reproduction. When your goal isn't to accumulate wealth and pass it down to your children.

Same thing applies to women who love women. They aren't focused on being demure and pleasing the men in power. They aren't focused on making themselves wife material. They will challenge the status quo and maybe even (shock! horror!) decide not to have children. How the heck do you make sure your money and power stays in the family, how do you build an empire, when the women are perfectly happy having sex with each other and don't want to love, honour and obey??

And whose fault is all this?

Its got to be the damned queers, right? They're making people think there might be other ways to share your life with those you care about! That's why its important to squash down gayness whenever you can, right, wdcmaxy?

Look at them destroying the fabric of society!

If Jimin and Jungkook ARE fucking every chance they get, good for them. I hope they're balls deep and breathless, hitting all those sweet spots for each other having a really good time.

And if they're not fucking, it actually doesn't matter to me because the way they support each other and share their hearts is beautiful. (I do think they are fucking though)

Truthfully, whatever they're doing, as long as they're happy I'm happy.

Can you say the same, wdcmaxy?

Peace.

[girlgenius1111]

you aren't a chore...

mapi x ingrid x reader

r tears her ACL. her girlfriends struggle to help her heal. angst + fluff. mapi didn't tear her meniscus in this because i said so <3

Tearing your ACL while on national duty was less than ideal; not just because it was a months long, intense injury that you knew would be hell to go through. It happened while you were in England, and your girlfriends were in Norway and Spain, respectively. You were dreading having call them with this news, news you knew would hurt them almost as much as it hurt you, but there was no avoiding it.

You were at the hospital, and the doctor had just left the room, confirming what you'd known since you'd gone down on the pitch a few hours ago. You were finally alone, and you couldn't put off calling Ingrid and Mapi any longer.

You started a group face time, wincing when you noticed in the camera how red your eyes were from crying. It only rang a couple times before both girls clicked on, almost simultaneously.

"What's happened?" Ingrid asked frantically, not needing to see more than your tearstained face to know that something was wrong. Mapi's excited smile dropped into a frown, too, and you took a deep breath.

"It's my ACL." You told them, swallowing the lump in your throat.

"No, amor," Mapi said in disbelief.

"It's completely torn. I need surgery." You continued, gripping the sheets under you in your hand, not wanting to cry.

"Are you sure?" Ingrid asked.

"Yeah, I just got the scans back and the doctor confirmed."

"How did it happen?" Mapi's questioned, voice shaking as she spoke.

"I planted my foot and twisted I guess, and it just. Really hurt. I heard it pop."

"Amor, I am so sorry. I'll come to you, I'll fly tomorrow," Mapi said, shuffling around, clearly looking for her computer to book a flight.

"No, no, it's okay. They're flying me back tomorrow to Spain tomorrow. They offered to do the surgery here but I wanted to be home. With you guys."

"Love," Ingrid began, and you could tell from the desperate look on her face what she was thinking.

"No, Ingrid. You'll stay with your team, and win for me. Mapi will take good care of me." You insisted. Ingrid's teeth bit at her lip, an anguished expression etched across her features.

"Love, I want to be with you," She said, and you could tell she was fighting back tears.

"I know, I want that too. It's only a few more days, though. The team needs you, Ingrid, you have to stay."

"Y/n's right. You have to stay with the team. She'll be a handful, but I can handle our girl." Mapi joked, face falling when you only cracked a small smile. She wanted to reach through the phone, to call up one of the English girls and tell them to give you a hug, anything to make you feel better. Glancing at Ingrid's face, the Spaniard could tell she felt the same.

"Can we do anything?" Ingrid asked, thinking that she would move heaven and earth to get rid of the sad frown on your face.

"No, I'm fine, I promise." You said, although your voice and expression told a completely different story.

"Cariño, neither of us expect you to be fine." Mapi said softly.

You forced a smile onto your lips, hoping it was convincing. "Really, I'm fine. I have to go though, they're about to discharge me. I love you guys." You hung up, rolling onto your good side, muffling your sobs in the pillow.

Ingrid and Mapi hung up with each other soon after, both agreeing that they needed to keep a close eye on you. You'd never handled injuries well, but the state you were in on the phone was worse than they'd ever seen. This was a worse injury than you'd ever had, so it made sense, but they were still incredibly worried.

-----

Mapi had wanted to pick you up from the airport, but Barca had insisted on you going to meet with the surgeon right away, sending a car to grab you and take you there. Mapi promised to meet you at the hospital for your consultation, and arrived there in the parking lot a full 10 minutes before you did. She wanted to prepare herself for whatever you were feeling. Honestly, she had no idea how to best help you; neither her nor Ingrid had ever had an injury of this magnitude, they couldn't know what you were feeling. The defender had never felt more helpless in her life, watching you slowly get out of the car, grabbing your crutches, and making your way towards the door, where she waited.

"Mi amor," she said as you neared her, moving forward to carefully wrap you in a hug. You were stiff in her arms, jaw set stiffly, as you murmured a greeting into your ear. It became clear to your girlfriend that you had completely shut down, not allowing yourself to feel the intense emotions she knew must be tugging at you. Not wanting to challenge that unhealthy coping mechanism at the hospital, she simply kissed your cheek lightly, before leading you into the building.

You were quieter than Mapi thought you'd ever been in your life as you made your way into the surgeon's office, face pinched in pain as you settled into a chair next to her, moving your crutches to rest next to you with a disdainful look at them.

You waited for the surgeon, turning to the team doctor that had accompanied you and speaking, voice raspy from lack of use.

"When do you think they'll do the surgery?"

"Depends. Some doctors like to do it sooner rather than later, to preserve muscle strength, while others think the more time taken to reduce swelling, the better. This guy did Alexia's, and he only had her wait a week."

You nodded absentmindedly, reaching one hand over to grip onto Mapi's. She squeezed your hand comfortingly, pulling out her phone to update Ingrid.

Your meeting with the surgeon may as well have been 2 seconds, for all the information you absorbed. Once he told you that he'd operate in a week, you couldn't force yourself to focus on everything he said about the recovery process. If you didn't take this one step at a time, you were sure that you would fail. Mapi could tell you weren't all there, and she allowed you the time to process on the way home, not bothering to speak to you until she asked if you wanted to call Ingrid and update her.

"Can you just tell her?"

"Of course, amor. I'll be right back, okay?"

"Thanks Maps."

If this was a hint to how you'd be for the next week, Mapi felt like she'd almost rather have torn her own ACL. She could tell that you were hurting, not just physically, but deep within you. You wouldn't speak about it though, repeating the words "I'm fine" until they no longer sounded like words. You weren't overly upset, nor were you overly happy. Instead, Mapi got used to the version of you that was quiet, giving her only small smiles and chuckles when she tried to joke around, instead of the full laughs that had been part of the reason she'd fallen in love with you.

As the days passed, and your surgery grew closer, Mapi noticed you become more irritable, frustrated more easily. She talked to Ingrid often about it, completely at a loss for how to help you, as nothing she was doing seemed to work. Her and Ingrid agreed that this period of waiting was especially hard for you; you couldn't do any rehab work, nothing at all could be done until after the surgery. The hoped that being able to focus your mind and body on recovering would bring you back to yourself.

Ingrid, for her part, made up her mind to leave the national team and come home to you at least 10 different times, but you and Mapi always talked her out of it. She was due home the day of your surgery, and you both were adamant that this injury not affect Ingrid's playing time with the team. Ingrid was packing one day, after a particularly rough night where Mapi confided that she wasn't sure you'd slept at all, and Mapi was clearly failing at convincing her to stay. You'd grabbed the phone from Mapi's hand, expressing the most emotion that they'd seen from you since your injury.

"Ingrid, please don't do this for me. I love you, and I miss you, but I want you to stay. Coming home now will only make me feel guilty. Besides, watching you play is one of the only things I'm looking forward to right now."

Mapi practically froze when you spoke, waiting to hear Ingrid's response.

"Okay, elskling. If that's what you want." Ingrid sighed, dropping her clothes back into her drawer. She wasn't happy about it, but she trusted that if you really did need her, you'd ask for her.

"Mapi is taking good care of me, anyway. Not as good of a job as you could, but it'll do." You joked, shooting Mapi a smirk. She feigned being supremely insulted, but really, she was just happy to see you smile again, even if it was at her own expense.

"Alright, you can shower by yourself tonight." She teased, and you glared at her.

"I might as well be showering by myself, for all the help you are."

"I shaved your legs for you yesterday!" Mapi gasped.

"That's not the kind of help I'm talking about."

"If I had sex with you while you were injured, in the shower, while Ingrid was in another country, I think she'd kill me." Mapi defended.

"I absolutely would. You'll just have to be patient and wait for me. And till after your surgery. Think of it as a fun challenge." Ingrid smiled, enjoying the glimpse of the you she was used to seeing, not the empty version that you'd been for the past few days.

"What is fun about that, Ingrid, be serious."

"What's fun is that we're all waiting, and we will all have a very good time together once I'm back, and it's safe for you. I promise, you can be a pillow princess the way you like, and Mapi and I will do whatever you want." Ingrid said sweetly, and you tried to ignore the way you felt suddenly warm at her words.

You gave a dramatic sigh. "Whatever I want?"

"Whatever you want." Both girls promised together. Mapi saw the most excitement she'd seen in you all week, and couldn't help but leaning in and leaving a gentle kiss on your temple. You softened at her loving action, growing slightly more serious.

"I'm sorry I've been so awful this past week. I know I haven't been very much fun to be around."

"You have every right to be grumpy, mi amor. You're doing your best, we don't expect any more than that." Mapi promised.

"I can't imagine what you're feeling, elskling. You can act any way you feel like acting." Ingrid assured you. "It'll get easier post surgery, yeah?"

You nodded like you agreed, but you weren't exactly sure about that. You hoped Ingrid was right, you really did. Mapi caught your reluctance.

"No matter what, we've got you, mi amor." She said, tilting your chin to look into your eyes as she spoke.

"Always, kjære." Ingrid echoed, and this time, you felt more confident when you nodded. You weren't sure that you trusted your body anymore, not when it had betrayed you so grievously. You did, however, trust your girls with everything. Everything.

-----

Mapi hated being in hospitals. When she had gone to your initial appointment with you, it was just the surgeons office you were visiting, which was tolerable. But a hospital, with patients and sick people, and doctors and nurses in scrubs, she hated. She always had, and the night before your surgery, you could tell she was getting nervous. You were nervous too, but magically, your stress evaporated when you realized that Mapi was anxious, and all you cared about was making her feel better.

Ingrid was set to touch down in Barcelona after you went back, and she would probably arrive at the hospital right as you were coming out of recovery, which wouldn't be very much help to your other girlfriend who wouldn't hear a word about leaving the hospital while you were in surgery.

You were debating on making Mapi talk about it, when she started bouncing her knee rapidly, and picking at her cuticles; 2 things she only did when she was really nervous. You knew if she continued like this, she'd get no sleep. More than that, she looked miserable, although she tried to hide it, and you hated seeing her upset.

"María," you called softly, getting her attention. She turned to you, and you watched her literally change her face from one of slight panic, to one of reassuring confidence. If you didn't know her so well, you would have bought the second face with no questions asked.

"Come here," you said, gesturing for her to move closer. She must have thought you were seeking comfort, because otherwise there was no way she would have accepted your comfort, and she moved closer, resting her head on your shoulder.

"Are you nervous?" She asked.

"A bit. You seem really anxious though, baby. Are you okay?" At your question, she sat up, leaning away from you.

"I am fine, amor. Nothing to worry about." She said. "I am going to go shower, and then I'll help you to bed, alright?"

"Okay." You agreed, letting it go for now. She smiled at you, pressing a kiss to your forehead, before leaving the room.

You sighed once she was out of earshot. You'd let Ingrid know that Mapi seemed more anxious than normal, but you didn't want to overly stress out the Norwegian, not when you knew she was already kind of freaking out at the thought that you were having surgery before she arrived home. You pulled your phone out, hitting the contact of the one person you knew Mapi trusted almost as much as she trusted you and Ingrid.

"Alexia? I need your help with something."

-----

Worrying about Mapi turned out to be a wonderful distraction for you, as you both woke early and headed to the hospital. You were nervous, but your attention was on your girlfriend, who had a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel with one hand, and yours wrapped tight in the other.

"Maps?"

"Sí?" She said, looking at you out of the corner of her eye, her worry evident in her slightly shaky voice.

"Ale is going to meet us at the hospital."

Mapi blinked. "That is nice of her to come for you." She said, although she was slightly confused. You hadn't wanted to see anyone recently, and although you'd been talking to Alexia, as someone who had, and was currently, having issues with her knee, Mapi was surprised that you'd agreed to her being at the hospital, and seeing you in such a vulnerable state.

"She's not coming for me, she's coming for you. I don't want you sitting alone around the hospital for hours, not when you're already nervous." You stated plainly, never having planned on hiding the real reason Alexia was invited.

"Amor, you should not be worrying about me," Mapi complained, although her grip slackened slightly on the wheel.

"Well, I am. So is Ingrid. And with Alexia there, we won't worry as much. Really, you'll be doing both of us a favor."

"You will be unconscious, but worrying about me?" Mapi rolled her eyes.

"I always dream of you, baby. Even when I'm under general." You winked at her.

Mapi snorted, but you were delighted to see a faint blush on her cheeks. She was quiet for a moment.

"Thank you. I appreciate it." She spoke softly, and you could just barely hear her over the sound of the engine.

You pull her hand over, still laced with yours, kissing the back of it. She smiled at you, eyes crinkling the way they did when she smiled really genuinely. You returned the smile, feeling incredibly glad that you weren't really freaking out.

-----

You sat in the hospital bed, all dressed in the stupid gown, feeling significantly less calm and collected. Mapi had settled after learning that Alexia would be around, and her decrease in stress had allowed you to focus back on your own.

You were visibly nervous, hands shaking, teeth chattering, holding rather tightly to Mapi's hand. They put the IV in, and you noticed Alexia mumble something to one of the nurses, who took one look at you, nodded, and disappeared from the room.

"What did you tell her?" You wondered.

"Nothing, just a question." Alexia replied calmly, but the her eyes flicked away from your eyes; Alexia could lie, but she couldn't meet your eyes while doing it. The nurse returned before you could press your captain.

"Something to help you relax, alright?" The nurse said with a kind smile, injecting something into the IV. You didn't know what it was, but the effect was almost instantaneous. Your neck went limp, and your head dropped onto the pillow. Your body drained of tension, and you loosened your painfully tight grip on your girlfriends hand.

"I feel better," you said, fighting back a yawn. The nurse left the room, telling you that they would be ready to take you back in a couple minutes. Mapi was looking at you, amused by the sudden relaxed version of you in front of her.

"Alexia, you really are a great blonde." You said, squinting at her.

"Thank you chica," she said with a laugh. "They gave you the good stuff, huh?

You turned to look at Mapi, raising a clumsy hand to boop her nose. "You're so pretty. Like so, so, pretty."

"They really did give you the good stuff," Mapi laughed. You returned her grin, eyes beginning to flutter shut. You were lightly snuffling against the oxygen tubes not seconds later, out cold, still clinging to your girlfriend's hand.

"What did you tell them to give her?" Mapi asked, turning her attention to her best friend.

"I just asked if they could start her early on the stuff to relax her. My mom had them do it for me when I had my surgery, because she thought I was going to break my sister's hand, I was holding it so tight." Alexia commented.

The nurse entered again, followed by several others, and Mapi knew it was time. She leaned down, placing a light kiss on your cheek.

"Good luck, mi amor. I love you." She whispered the words into your ear, squeezing your hand once more, before allowing them to roll your bed away. She watched as they wheeled you down the hall, feeling a flutter of worry in her chest. They better be careful with you.

Alexia stood next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

"She'll be fine, amiga." Alexia reassured, and Mapi nodded, trying to convince herself.

"Thank you for being here. I really appreciate it." Mapi mumbled.

"Of course." Alexia replied. "You better text Ingrid and tell her y/n went back. You know she bought plane wifi, and if you don't update her, I wouldn't want to be you when she arrives later."

-----

Ingrid hated plane wifi, potentially more than she'd ever hated anything in her entire life. All she wanted was to hear that you'd gone back for surgery okay, and also that Mapi was alright, but the wifi was hardly functioning, and Ingrid felt like chucking her phone across the plane. Her texts began to load, finally, as the plane was landing. Perfect timing. She had a text from Mapi, and a text from Alexia.

"They just took her back. She was nervous but they gave her something and she was... no longer nervous. Waiting with Ale now. Fly safe, princesa. Te amo."

"Mapi's alright. Definitely anxious but I'm distracting her by asking her to tell me what her favorite goal she's ever scored is. She's been talking for 20 minutes."

Ingrid relaxed, even cracking a smile at Alexia's text. Her and Mapi's relationship was so entertaining to watch. They spent most of their time together giggling, making fun of each other, but if one of them needed the other, she would be there. No matter what.

Ingrid made her way off the plane, resisting the urge to shove everyone out of her way. She made record time getting to baggage claim, and was just pulling out her phone to call and uber when she felt someone land squarely on her back.

"La princesa! Your taxi service has arrived!" Ingrid tried to be annoyed, she really did, but when Pina climbed off her back, and Ingrid turned around to find her and Patri smiling goofily at her, she couldn't manage it.

-----

Ingrid arrived at the hospital, leaving her bag with Pina and Patri, who had promised to get it home for her, before heading inside. She'd gotten a text from Mapi a couple of minutes ago, one that had worried her.

"Taking longer than they expected. Not sure why. We're in room 402 when you get here."

Ingrid hauled ass to room 402, her stiff legs from playing a full 90 the day before, and then getting on a plane making it rather difficult. She made it at the same time, apparently, as the surgeon, and she felt slightly nauseous as she walked into the room. There were plenty of reasons why a surgery would take longer, but Ingrid could not, for the life of her, think of one that wasn't negative.

She walked right into the room, just before the doctor, quickly hugging Alexia before pulling Mapi into her side. They all looked at the doctor expectantly. He looked frazzled, which didn't make anyone feel better, and he scrolled through your chart for what felt like minutes before finally speaking.

"The surgery was successful, and y/n is in recovery. There was, however, a slight, unforeseen complication."

-----

You woke up slowly, and you could hear before you could open your eyes. You weren't sure where you were, or what was happening. You heard rhythmic beeping, and it sped up as you grew more aware. You shifted lightly in the bed, unable to get your eyes to open. The beeping sped up faster, but someone laid a hand on your cheek, and a soft voice filled your ears.

"You're alright, cariño, we're here with you." You settled instantly when you heard Mapi speak, the beeping that you now realized was measuring your heart rate slowing down again. It took a few more minutes before you got your eyes to open, and, by that point, you remembered where you were, and why you were there.

It was bright when you looked around. Mapi was in a chair next to you, hand holding yours. You looked around, realizing Ingrid was supposed to be there, as was Alexia. Even just waking up from surgery, you wanted to see your girlfriend, more than anything.

"Ingrid?" You croaked out, directing the question to Mapi. She smiled when she heard your voice, and helped you take a few sips of the water on the table in front of you.

"She's just talking to the doctor, she'll be back in a bit," Mapi informed you. There was something off, though, a tightness to her smile that shouldn't be there. It could have been her general discontent being in the hospital, but something in your gut told you that it wasn't that.

"What's wrong?" You asked, forcing your eyes back open when the slid shut again.

"Nothing," Mapi lied, looking at the door almost pleadingly.

"María, what is going on," you said. Before she could lie again, Ingrid and Alexia appeared in the doorway, the doctor behind them. Ingrid smiled softly when she saw you awake, moving forward to sit next to the bed, and kiss your temple. You returned her smile, but focused back on the doctor. He looked... not troubled, but like he was about to deliver bad news.

"What went wrong?" You asked him, feeling suddenly much more awake.

He smiled sympathetically. "Nothing went wrong, the surgery was successful. There was more damage to your surrounding muscles than we expected, so we had to go to the hamstring instead of the patellar tendon for replacement tissue. It means a slightly harder recovery, as you also need to strengthen the area where the graft came from."

You were quiet for a moment. You'd thought so hard about the surgery, considered every aspect, but didn't think that this was a possibility. You weren't quite sure what to think.

"How much longer will recovery be?" You asked.

"The time shouldn't be affected, but you'll be in more pain at the beginning." He explained. You let out a sigh of relief. You could handle more pain, what you couldn't handle was being off the pitch any longer than you already were going to have to be. The doctor informed you that you were free to go once you were more awake, confirming that you'd made a follow up appointment to remove the sutures, before leaving the room.

You looked down then, seeing your leg wrapped up in heavy white gauze, encased in a black brace. Your knee had been swollen before, yes, but it hadn't really looked like anything was wrong with it. Now, though, it was glaringly obvious, a stark reminder of the long months ahead.

"Hey, what are you thinking?" Ingrid asked, tearing you from your thoughts. It took you a minute to gather your thoughts, but when you did, you addressed everyone in the room, trying to put their obvious nerves at ease.

"It's fine. As long as I can get back to playing in the same amount of time, I don't care what they use. I can deal with the pain." You smiled at your girlfriends, and at Alexia. They all returned the gesture, glad to see that you weren't too upset.

-----

You were feeling less confident the next day. The initial drugs wore off, leaving you in considerably more pain than before. Your knee felt hot and swollen, and it throbbed painfully anytime you got up. You were in the extra bedroom, having insisted that Ingrid and Mapi sleep in your bedroom together, so no one would worry about accidentally bumping you. They were reluctant, and Mapi checked on you at least 10 times the first night.

Ingrid had finally managed to get a enough sleep, though, after struggling the whole time she was gone. She was exhausted, and slept for 14 hours. When she woke up, she was furious that you and Mapi hadn't woken her, seeing as though both of you had been up for hours. You, because your knee felt like it had been run over by a snow plow, and Mapi, also because your knee felt like it had been run over by a snow plow. She hated seeing you in pain, and she had hovered over you all morning.

Ingrid shuffled into the extra room a few minutes after finally waking up, curling up next to you in the bed.

"How are you?" She mumbled, looking up at you, face still scrunched with sleep. You smiled down at her, running your finger over the sleep lines etched into her skin.

"Did you sleep well?" You asked, ignoring her question. She yawned, snuggling into your good leg, laying her head on your thigh.

"Slept good. Would have slept better with you there, though." She said, voice muffled against your skin. "You didn't answer my question."

"It hurts." You said simply. You didn't want to talk about it, so you changed the subject. "I missed you." You said. You'd been so out of it yesterday, you didn't really feel like you had enjoyed having Ingrid back home.

"I missed you too, elskling. I'm sorry I wasn't home sooner."

"Don't be. You were where you needed to be. You're home now, that's all that matters." Ingrid smiled at you, eyes fluttering shut again. Sleepy Ingrid was your favorite, and you began to run your fingers through her thick hair, avoiding the tangles. She hummed with pleasure, relaxing further into you.

"How are you feeling, amor?" Mapi asked from the doorway, looking anxiously at you. The smile fell from your lips. Was this what the next 9 months would be like? Every nice moment interrupted by your stupid injury?

"I'm fine, Mapi." You said, voice slightly harsher than it needed to be.

-----

This began a new pattern to your behavior. When you were distracted, you were fine, happy to be with your girls. When you weren't distracted, though, you were miserable. In pain, mostly helpless, and in a foul mood. It only worsened when you girlfriend's asked you questions about how you were feeling; you knew you were being ridiculous, but you felt like the only think you guys talked about was your knee.

Your newfound grumpiness did not, however, mean that you were expressing your emotions. On the contrary, they had never been more inaccessible. Your anger never faltered into sadness; frustration, sure, but neither of your girls could get you to acknowledge that you were upset.

As the weeks passed, and the recovery felt like it was going too slow, you grew more resistant to the help your girlfriend's were anxious to provide. Things were tense around the house, your girlfriends felt like they were walking on eggshells around you, waiting for your frosty exterior to crack, which it eventually did.

-----

You were in the Barcelona gym, 3 weeks post op. You were doing simple exercises, walking from one end of the room to the other, bending and flexing your knee, raising up on your toes. Things that should be easy, but weren't any longer. Alexia was on the other side of the gym, doing a much more complicated exercise. Ingrid and Mapi were out on the pitch, presumably. There was just one physio with you guys today, watching carefully as you did the world's lamest and smallest squats, barely bending your knee, leaning against a table. There was soft music playing throughout the gym, and it was rather peaceful.

That is, until Alexia dropped the barbell she was lifting with a loud clatter. You startled at the sound, twisting without thinking to look towards the noise. As soon as you did, you realized your bad leg was still planted when you turned. It didn't turn much, but it was enough for your knee to erupt in pain.

"Fuck!" You shouted, and Alexia was at your side in a second, as was the physio. "Fuck, something's wrong, jesus," you said, leaning back on the table and taking the weight off your knee.

"Alright, relax, let me look," the physio said, guiding you to lay back on the table. Alexia moved to stand by your head, laying a hand on your shoulder.

"Something is wrong," you said again, even though the pain was rapidly fading. The physio looked at your knee, poking and prodding at it gently, before looking at you.

"How much does it hurt?" He asked calmly.

Tears were stinging your eyes, and your voice trembled as you responded. "Not-not much, it's fading."

"No pain?" He asked again after a minute, applying pressure to each side of your knee.

"No, not anymore," you choked out.

"I don't think anything is wrong. If it was, the pain wouldn't be fading. The incisions look fine. You're okay, you just tweaked it."

"No, no, no. Something is wrong, it doesn't feel right, Ale it doesn't feel right." You cried, turning your attention to Alexia over you, her hand moving up and down your arm. You were fully panicking now, tears falling freely down your face, hands gripping at your shirt as if to tether you to the present. Alexia exchanged a look with the physio.

"Chica, you're okay, this is normal, nothing is wrong." She assured you, but you just shook your head frantically in response.

"No, I messed something up," you gasp. You sat up suddenly, almost smacking your head into Alexia's face. "I need scans, I need to do something," you say, moving to get off the table. Your knee didn't hurt anymore, but you couldn't shake the feeling that you had messed something up, horribly so. Alexia stopped you, resting her hands on your shoulders, holding you down on the table.

"Y/n, you need to calm down. You haven't messed anything up, everything is okay." She soothed. It clearly wasn't working to calm you, so she turned to the physio. "Get Mapi and Ingrid," she murmured before turning her attention back to you.

"Come on, amiga, you need to calm down," Alexia said. You could only shake your head, broken sobs falling past your lips. You hid your face in your hands, completely disconnecting from the world around you. Your ears were ringing, the only thing you could hear was blood pumping in your ears. You didn't know how much time had passed before different set of hands were cradling your face, urging you to look up. You do, and find the worried faces of your girlfriends in front of you. Ingrid has her hands on your face, and Mapi has taken one of your hands in hers, squeezing gently.

"Somethings... wr-wrong, help," you get out, looking between them frantically.

"No kjære, it's okay, nothing is wrong." Ingrid promised. For some reason, you believed her when you hadn't believed the others.

"Are you- are you sure?" You asked.

"Yes, cariño, the physio said you just tweaked it. You are completely fine." Mapi said softly.

"I didn't mess it up?"

"No, darling, you didn't mess anything up."

You nodded jerkily, leaning forward to rest your head on Ingrid's sternum, tugging on Mapi's hand until she moves closer.

"Y/n, I'm so sorry about the barbell, it slipped out of my hands," Alexia begins from the other side of the table, and you can hear the guilt in her voice.

"It's okay, Ale, it's not your fault." You mumbled into Ingrid's chest, reaching a hand out to the side. Alexia grabs it sighing in relief, squeezing once, before pulling away, giving you and your girlfriends some privacy. You stayed hidden away, leaning against Ingrid. You're clearly still emotional, but you don't seem interested in speaking, or moving again. It's quiet for a few moments, before you finally pulling away, wiping at your eyes.

"Can we go home?" You asked.

"Yeah, let's go home." Mapi agreed easily. You stood, taking a tentative step. Your face burns with embarrassment when you don't feel anything out of the ordinary in your knee. You'd freaked out for nothing. Absolutely nothing.

-----

You'd been sitting in silence on the couch since you'd arrived home 20 minutes ago, staring blankly at the dark TV. Your knee was propped up in Ingrid's lap, an icepack wrapped snuggly around the swollen appendage. Mapi was on your other side, resisting the urge to take you by the shoulders, shake you, and beg you to talk to them. Her and Ingrid had agreed to let you come to them, though. There was no use pushing you. Their patience is finally rewarded.

"Sorry I freaked out and you both had to leave training early." You said, raw voice startling your girlfriend's out of their thoughts.

"Don't be so-"

"-Please don't tell me not to be sorry. I've been such a burden for weeks, and you keep telling me not to be sorry about it. I am sorry about it, and I don't understand why you aren't annoyed with me." You cut in, spitting the words with an intensity neither of women was expecting.

"You are not a burden, y/n," Ingrid said, hurt bleeding into her tone.

"Yes I am," you dismiss. "You've had to do everything for me these past few weeks, and all I've done is act like the world has ended. It's just a knee injury, I don't know why I'm acting like this."

"Amor, it is okay if you feel like the world has ended. This is a big thing, and you are allowed to feel things. You don't have to push everything down, it's not healthy."

You shifted uncomfortably, avoiding eye contact. "You already have to take care of me. You shouldn't have to deal with the mess inside my head too."

"You could not be burden, darling, not to us. We don't mind taking care of you, not at all. And we want to know what's going on inside your head. It's been driving us crazy, not knowing what you're feeling. We want to know, y/n, we want to know it all." Ingrid's voice has a clear undertone of determination in it.

"You guys are so busy," you argue weakly. They were; the past weeks juggling you and the team had been draining. It was obvious to you. They hadn't realized how much you'd noticed it.

"We are never too busy for you, amor, and I'm so sorry if we've made you feel like we are." Mapi said gently. "You are our priority."

You finally looked up at them, eyes glistening with unshed tears. "It's just been hard. You guys get to go play, and I stay here, or go to the gym. And you spend all this time together at training. All the time you spend with me is you guys making sure my knee is okay."

Both of your girlfriend's faces are ones of horror at your confession. They hadn't realized you'd been feeling like this, not at all.

Mapi places a hard kiss on your temple, resting her chin on your head. "If I could switch places with you, cariño, I would. Watching you go through this, be in so much pain, has been killing me. I want to fix it, but I can't. All I can do is try to help, try to make you feel better. I didn't mean to make you feel like you were just a task for us, just a chore to be taken care of. You are our girl, nuestra niña bonita, and we love you, more than anything."

There are silent tears falling from your eyes when Mapi is done talking. She's said everything you've needed to hear this whole time, but were too nervous, too worried about being a burden to them to ask for their reassurance. Ingrid's hand lifts, carefully wiping a tear off your cheek, prompting you to look at her.

"No more of this, okay? When you need us, whether it's attention, or our help with something, or just a distraction, you tell us. You tell us, and we'll do it, whatever you need. You're not alone in this, darling. We're here for anything, really. Just like you would be for us if the roles were reversed."

You feel slightly silly when she reminds you of that. Obviously, you would do everything within your power to help one of your girlfriend's if they were going through this. Why you expected them to not really want to do the same was beyond you.

"Okay." You murmur, eyes on Ingrid as she scoots closer, pressing into your other side. You've been reminded of something, something Ingrid had promised you over the phone. Whatever you want, she'd said. You knew what you wanted, and you knew you needed to ask for it.

"Could I ask for something now?" You wonder quietly, and you hear Mapi laugh above you, clearly anticipating what you're about to ask for. Ingrid has the decency to pretend she doesn't know.

"What would that be?" She asks, placing her hand on your upper thigh.

"You promised me something about you and Mapi doing whatever I wanted?" You grin.

"Hmm, do you think you're ready for that, elskling?"

"God, yes. I'm ready, I promise." Your voice is already needy, already desperate.

"Mapi, go get things ready." Ingrid instructed, and you feel Mapi rise from next to you, and walk away into the bedroom.

"How do you know what to get ready if I haven't said what I want?" You questioned, looking up into the Norwegian's dark eyes.

Ingrid leaned forward, pressing light kisses in a trail up your jaw, stopping just by your ear. "I know what you want better than you do, pretty girl. I thought you knew that by now."

You shivered with excitement. "Don't be too careful with me, okay?"

"We'll be as careful as we need to be," Ingrid promised. Ingrid's lips meet yours, pressing harder than she has in weeks. It's the most she's touched you since your surgery, really, and you wrap your arms around her neck, pulling her closer. The wait will have been worth it, you're sure of that.

-----

[minervas-hand]

Right to fear, wrong to believe

Just had a horrible realization and needed to meta it out.

How different they were before Edinburgh, when Crowley was sucked down into Hell.

Look at this flirty babygirl in the Bastille:

I mean could he climb that tree any faster?

(This is why I really like fics that place a more physical relationship here, pre-Bastille or just post-Bastille, because c'mon look at them. )

In S1 the next thing is 1862 and Crowley asking for insurance (with a cane ffs). And Aziraphale freaking out with his "fraternizing" BS. It's jarring, until we get 1827 filled in for us in S2.

@takeme-totheworld notes in this post:

Crowley sure went from "our respective head offices don't actually care how things get done" and "nobody ever has to know" to "walls have ears" FAST after Edinburgh. And Aziraphale went from looking at Crowley with hearts in his eyes to "I've been FrAtErNiZiNg" just as quickly. I'm more convinced than ever that Edinburgh was the first time Crowley ever actually got caught and punished for fucking around with Aziraphale/doing good deeds/whatever it was they yanked him back down to Hell for, and it scared the absolute shit out of both of them and changed the whole tone of their relationship after that.

Yes! - it's clear to me as well that the Edinburgh graveyard was a very bad turning point, where they both saw that Hell was listening and would intervene. And it did change their relationship drastically, for over a century and a half (really, until looming Armageddon loosened up the stakes for them).

But what about Heaven?

See the thing is, we know Azi's been worried about Heaven watching him for the past 6000 years.

But they haven't.

[GIFs posted by starrose17]

All this time, and Heaven had not seen them together. Hadn't noticed. Had not even LOOKED.

I want to mention what @starrose17 says about this here in this post:

What I love about this is her choice of words, “went back through the Earth Observation files.” This implies that these photos were already filed somewhere meaning somebody had to have been watching them which meant somewhere in the depths of the bureaucratic heaven there’s an underpaid angel clerk tasked with watching angels on Earth, and he’s been hording photos of his favourite Angel/Demon couple not reporting them to Michael because he wants to see what happens.

And that's exactly what this fic covers!: Spying Omens by @ednav

(Give this a read, it's fabulous.)

While I am here for this being exactly how that happens, the other scenario is colder and worse - there's no one watching, at all. It's just filing automatically and never seen until some Scrivener is called to pull a file.

From @fuckyeahisawthatat's comment here :

I found this scene to be quite chilling, actually. Not only is the idea of Heaven as a surveillance state brilliant (way to make “God is always watching” sound way more ominous) but this is exactly how modern surveillance states work. They don’t actively watch everybody all the time. That’s not physically possible for humans, and even if it is metaphysically possible for Heaven, it’s not a very efficient use of resources. Surveillance states watch people they deem “suspicious.” And once you’ve been put in the category of “suspicious,” they have massive amounts of data that they can comb through to collect a lot of information about you–to retroactively build a case justifying why you’re suspicious, to collect information about where you go and who you associate with, etc.

Yes.

So we either have secret collusion in the rank and file, or we have a surveillance state that is constantly reinforced to its subjects for fear's sake, for control.

(Well, it obviously could be both.)

BUT my point is… Up until Edinburgh, Hell has not been watching (or caring at least). And up until near the end of Armageddon't, neither has Heaven.

Oh, my poor Angel. Thousands of years, of denying yourself, of pushing Crowley away, of carrying around a tension that is it's own constellation.

After 1827 you might have reason, but for the 5000+ years before that?

Thousands of years and Heaven was not watching nor cared.

You were right to fear. And you were wrong to believe.

And that just breaks my heart.

[monsterswithimagines]

Undisclosed Desires - Part 6

Joe Goldberg x female!Reader

Summary: Twenty minutes before he would have met Guinevere Beck, Joe meets you instead. You intruige him, but it will soon become clear that there is something off about you.

Words: 845

Masterlist

Saturday can't come soon enough. I feel like this week has lasted an entire year.

Then it's finally Saturday morning. I'm happy to go to work today, because at the end of the morning shift, you'll be waiting for me. My reward for my work. You won't even mind that I won't have time to change out of my usual clothes - it's a deliberate choice on my end, because you like how I look. You told Nadia about it on Twitter just three days ago.

@MoonShadow_: waarom zijn jongens in boekwinkels altijd zo lekker 😭😭

Which translates to: why are boys in bookstores always so hot

I didn’t realize you were thinking this way, (Y/n). If I'd known, maybe I would have made a move already.

Candace wasn't nearly this hard to read.

Candace wouldn't have been worth all this waiting, though.

I'm not ashamed to admit that Candace was a wrong choice. I thought I saw something in her that wanted to be known by me, to be taken care of, but I was wrong. You, on the other hand, are unknown to almost everyone except your dear childhood friend. It must be so lonely. But when you're with me, you won't have to be alone anymore.

Ethan notices I'm distracted today, but he doesn't say anything about it. He's happy to take over the regular customer service duties if it means I'll run up and down the basement stairs carrying heavy books from eight to twelve. Ethan is the kind of guy who swears by a Kindle.

You'd never use a Kindle, would you? I can't imagine it. You buy books way too often to bother about something as asinine as digital reading.

Maybe if I tell you the Kindle is everything that's wrong with modern-day America, you'll laugh and agree with me. But then again, maybe you'll just think I'm a ‘gatekeeping dick’. That's what you called someone on Twitter when they said The Secret History was awful and that only insufferable, snobbish, self-absorbed, classist rich kids would ever think to read this shit. Don't kill me, (Y/n), but I kind of agree with the guy. One day you'll see my side.

I kind of agree with you too, though: the world needs to learn how to read again, it doesn't matter where they start.

I used to judge people for what they bought at Mooney's, but now I don’t anymore. At least they're reading. You're making me a better person that way. You're making me realize that even if people are just reading whatever bullshit they saw on TikTok, at least they're reading.

It's one pm, and you're late. I'm not too upset about it, though. You texted me about an hour ago.

YOU: omigod joe!!!

YOU: my boss is super pissed i forgot to send a client this important email

YOU: i gotta fix my mistake i might be like

YOU: 15 mins late

ME: Don't worry. Take your time.

YOU: 😅

I didn't reply to your smiley. What on earth am I meant to say to a picture of a smiling face? Besides, a smiley isn't worth nearly as much as your actual smile.

And there you are.

Only ten minutes late. It could have been worse.

You look flushed like maybe you ran here, and your hair is a mess so you've covered it with a beanie again, but you also look so happy to see me. I'm happy to see you, too.

You hug me.

“I'm so sorry,” you say. I'm not sure what you're apologising for, because I'm still trying to get over the fact that you hugged me. “I've had such a crazy morning.”

“You're not even that late,” I assure you, which is true. Candace used to be hours late, sometimes. Sometimes she didn't show up at all. “Do you mind giving me a minute? I want to wash my hands and stuff.”

I don't need a minute. I've been ready to leave for a while now. But I think you might need some time, and I can tell you won't ask for it.

“Yeah, yeah,” you say. “No problem.”

So I turn and I head to the bathroom. This means leaving you alone with Ethan, which may be risky. Ethan might say something stupid, or something about me. But then again, I don't think he'd ruin ‘getting some tail’ for me.

In the bathroom, I wash my hands and check my hair. I look how I always do after a shift at Mooney's, but I think that's fine.

You look beautiful, (Y/n). It's too soon to tell you something like that, but you do.

I emerge. You look calmer now. You're waiting in the office - Ethan must have let you in - sitting with your hands behind your head and your feet on the table. Stretched like that, I can see a bit of the skin above your jean shorts.

It's deliberate. You're taunting me.

“Hey,” you say. “All ready?”

You're wearing make-up. You don't usually wear make-up.

“All ready,” I agree.

[teardropsonmypaper]

Guided Kisses~Steve Harrington X Reader

Masterlist Requests Request-Guidelines Summary:Reader has never been kissed before, and Steve happens to find out. What will happen once Steve offers his help? A/N: My brain literally died writing the summary, it is so vague but I promise it's good(i think) and kind of short! PLEASE SEND IN SOME REQUESTS!! I have it linked at the top of this post and it is always going to be linked on my pinned navigation post Not proofread Word Count: 681 Warnings: Kissing, use of Y/N, nothing else really lmk if I am

.....

You were everything that consisted of awkwardness and anxiety, here you were sitting on your best friend’s couch listening to him ramble about his last hook-up while you were trying to not to get caught up in your own thoughts. You graduated high school a year ago and you never ever had been kissed, you thought it was silly, truthfully. Steve keeps rambling on about how his hook-ups mother nearly walked in, you try everything in your power not to eye roll, every hook-up story he ever told almost always consisted of someone walking in. 

“Earth to Y/N!”, he calls waving his hand in front of your face, trying to get your attention. You jump slightly,”Yeah?”

“You were zoning there for a minute”, he said,”Something wrong?” 

You don’t know why but all of sudden your mouth moved faster than your brain,”Whatsitliketokisssomeone?”

Steve seems to be taken back a bit but laughs shortly after before answering shortly,”Kissing someone is nice. It can be soft and gentle but also rough and passionate. It all depends on the person you want to kiss or the time and place”, he pauses,”Why? Have you never kissed anyone?”

Your throat suddenly felt dry and you shifted your weight, you knew your face was red. A brilliant shade of red to be exact, red enough to make a tomato jealous. You were at a loss for words so you just shook your head no. Steve’s eyes widened,”You seriously never kissed anyone?”

“Is that so hard to believe?”

“No, not at all”, Steve says reassuringly,”It’s just that you’re a beautiful girl….I kind of thought you had a line of guys waiting outside your door", he chuckled nervously, running a hand through his light brown locks.

You point to the front door, "Door's right there and there's no line behind it", you try to joke. Dumb humor was your coping mechanism. Steve lets out a small laugh.

"'Y'know", he began,"I can help you..with y'know kissing."

You swear any breath or air that was in your lungs, suddenly got caught, your eyes were bulging out of your head at his offer,"y-you would?"

Steve smirks, suddenly feeling cocky now, he nods. You open your mouth again,"OK..you can..but be warned I have no idea what I'm doing.."

Steve moves closer to you,"Don't worry about it, just follow my lead". He cups this sides of your face, you shut yours, scared and nervous for what is about to happen. Your best friend, Steve 'The Hair' Harrington is about to kiss you. "Ready?", he whispers, you can already feel his breath on your lips. You nod.

Steve closes the gap between you and gently presses his lips against yours. The kiss is soft and slow, his lips moving against yours gently. You are tense, you try to ease into but Steve pulls away slightly. "You're during good", he reassures, his voice soft,"Just keep going, don't think too much into it." You nod.

This time as he presses his lips to yours, he moves his hands to your lower back, bringing you closer to him. He deepens the kiss, and your hands wrap around his neck to meet his criteria. He gently begins to nibble on your bottom lip as an attempt to get you to open your mouth slightly which you comply to. He slips his tongue into your open mouth and begins to explore. You move a hand to his hair and begin to tug at his hair. He groans at your hand in his hair, he tries to pull you closer to him as he kisses you passionately.

You eventually pull away, to catch your breath. "That was amazing", you breathe.

Steve nods, smirking a bit."Yeah, we should do that again sometime", he says casually,"Maybe on a date?"

You swore your heart just leapt out of your body and is on a one-way ticket to loony-town. You nearly have to pinch yourself before realizing that this is reality. "Deadass?"

Steve laughs and nods,"Deadass."

......

A/N: That's all for this guys, I feel like I rushed at the end. I got writer's block towards the end but I like it. I wanted to add more banter between the pair but I like the awkwardness in this current one. As always leave me some feedback and REQUEST PLEASE!!

[nicascurls]

Both Arms Cradle You Now

Word Count: 1.9K

Summary: Victoria finally gains the courage to tell her mother she isn't sure about wanting to work in medicine. Whilst Dr Shamsi may not support her daughter, Dr Mckay always will.

Notes: I've been working on this fic on and off for ages but it's finally done. I'm still considering doing a follow up oneshot in the future but it could be a while. Also I know next to fuck all about how things work in hospitals in America, so please excuse my ignorance.

Tags: @barclaysangel @fairchilds-glasses

“No!” The word left her mouth before she had even registered it, it was a reflex she had been suppressing for so long. 

She wasn't too sure what the expression was on her mother's face, but Victoria was willing to bet that it was at least 75% fury.

“Excuse me?” 

Victoria knew if she didn't say it now, she never would but it didn't make it any less of a struggle to get the words out.

“I- I don't think I want to be a doctor.”

“What on earth do you mean by that?! You've been working towards this your whole life and what? You suddenly woke up this morning and think it's a good idea to throw that all away?!”

“No, it's not like that!” Victoria suddenly became self-conscious, quickly scanning her surroundings and lowering her voice again. “I just don't think I'm cut out for this. I mean I can't even have my own blood taken without passing out, how am I supposed to-”

“Victoria, that's enough!” Javadi could feel the tears starting to form from the frustration of not being heard, from the humiliation that was beginning to creep up knowing people were starting to look at them.

“I don't know what's gotten into you but here is not the place to start acting out!” There it was again, just like a child, she was acting out, causing a scene, practically having a tantrum in her mother's place of work.

“We'll deal with this later.” And with that her mother was gone but Javadi stayed frozen in place, the tears were threatening to spill over. She couldn’t cry. Not here, not in front of everyone. But she was just so tired, so burnt out, Victoria had thought about this for months, every shift further adding to her desire for a different career. Or maybe just a break for a while, she just knew she was exhausted and wanted everything to stop just for a while, she wanted breathing room.

Victoria blinked back the tears once more and just in time to notice Mckay walking towards her, the comfortable smile on her face being a tell-tale sign that she knew something was wrong.

“Hey,” Cassie greeted her, placing a comforting hand on Victoria’s upper arm, “Everything okay?”

She immediately put on a smile, “Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Do we have a new patient?” Victoria knew Cassie wasn’t buying it, she had been able to read her from her first day in the ER, so she just tried to get Cassie to understand. I can’t talk about it right now. Not here. There was an unreadable expression on Mckay’s for a few seconds before shifting  back to her usual smile.

“Uh, actually Dana just warned me about an ambulance arriving any minute. I was wondering if you could give me a hand?”

Victoria couldn’t help but breathe a small sigh of relief, “Of course.”

Victoria could tell Cassie was still worried about her, she would claim she couldn’t help it, she is a mom after all. Not that Victoria could ever recall her own mom looking at her like that when she was upset or nervous. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to talk to Cassie about her concerns. Actually, she would love to. Cassie has been the first person in a long time that actually seemed to listen to her and acknowledge the pressure that she was dealing with but if Victoria started talking she isn’t sure she’d be able to stop and an emergency department was definitely not the place to have a breakdown when you’re expected to treat people.

However, as they made their way out to the ambulance bay, Victoria watched as Cassie took a seat on the small wall next to the doors and she knew she had made that all up. 

“I’m sorry.” Cassie claimed with a sympathetic smile, “You looked like you could do with a break and I know you wouldn’t have asked for one. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.” 

Just like that, tears tried to creep into Victoria's eyes again as she walked over to take a seat next to her mentor. Her eyes still fixed on the ground in an attempt to hide her emotions. 

Victoria isn’t sure how long she sat there, eyes glued to the ground as she fidgeted with her hands yet Cassie never once pressured her to talk. Just stayed sitting next to her, a calming presence reassuring Victoria that someone was there to support her. After what felt like an hour, Victoria finally gathered the courage to talk.

“How did you know you wanted to be a doctor?” Cassie took a deep breath before answering. “I didn’t know for a while. I think at the start, I mean, I was still in recovery. I had lost custody of Harrison, I wanted to do something that wouldn’t only make me more determined to stay sober but also prove that I was responsible enough to get my son back, you know? Then as time went on, I liked knowing that I could help people, maybe even prevent others from making the mistakes I did.” It was only after that that Victoria decided to face her again. “Plus, being able to pick your shifts is a game changer as a parent.” She added with a smile.Victoria returned the smile although it didn’t quite reach her eyes and she knew Cassie noticed.

“I- I told my mom I don’t think I want to be a doctor.”

“Ah…” She was surprised by how casual Cassie was about it. “I’m guessing it didn’t quite go to plan?”

Victoria could only seem to shake her head in response before turning back to look at her. “You don’t seem very surprised about it. Did I make it that obvious?!”

“No. No, it’s not that. I guess I uh- There were some moments when I wondered how much you wanted this compared to how much your parents wanted it for you but I didn’t want to risk saying anything in case I was reading things wrong. I didn’t want you to doubt yourself.”

Of course Cassie picked up on it, she seemed to pick up on every one of her concerns but never once made her feel bad for them. The only way Victoria could think to respond was “Oh.”

“So,” Cassie cleared her throat, “Have you thought about what you want to do?”

“Like? Career wise? Instead of being a doctor?” That feeling of panic started to creep in again, she has to have a plan, people always expect her to have a plan.

“Um, yeah. Well, kind off.” She could feel the lump in her throat, she had to have a plan. What would Cassie think of her if she didn’t?! “No.” The admission was barely audible, “I don’t. But my parents will probably shut the idea down anyway, so… I’m sorry, I've just wasted your time now!” 

Tears were flowing freely now, years of pressure and expectations finally making the damn crumble under her admission but before she could even mutter an apology for her outburst she felt McKay's arms around her, pulling her close so her head could rest on her shoulder. She could faintly hear the shushes and reassurances Cassie was giving her over her own sniffles along with the slight pressure of a hand rubbing her back.

Victoria couldn't remember the last time one of her parents hugged her as she cried. Although she also made it a habit to avoid her parents at times like that, it would require too much of an explanation but even the hugs she experienced when she was younger were nothing like this. Cassie's arms stayed around her as strong and comforting as ever, seemingly in no rush at all to move away until Victoria asked her too.

“I really am sorry.” She mumbled once the tears had finally slowed down and it felt safe to look at Cassie without bursting into tears again, seeing people look genuinely concerned about her often caused that.

“Don't be sorry. Everyone gets overwhelmed at times working here, I know I would have been a wreck if I had started here at 20!” 

Victoria let out a watery chuckle before continuing, “I've been thinking about this for ages, there have been moments that I really enjoyed working here but it's just- It can get so-”

“Overwhelming?”

“Yeah.”

“You feel as if you would like things to slow down for a little while? Almost as if you want a chance to be bored or have nothing to do?” 

“Yeah, kinda. It just sounds so stupid.”

“It doesn’t sound stupid, Victoria. You deserve a break.”

Victoria forced a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, “If you say so…”

No matter what Cassie told her, Victoria couldn't help but feel as though she was overreacting about everything, maybe that’s further proof she shouldn’t be a doctor, she was too sensitive. That’s what her mother always told her.

“Well, y’know what I also say? I say we get through this shift, do your parents’ shifts end at the same time as yours today?”

“Uh, an hour earlier as long as nothing major happens.”

“So they’ll already be home, or will they wait for you?”

Victoria didn’t even hesitate, “They’ll be home.”

“Okay.” Cassie paused for a moment, studying Victoria’s face as she kept her eyes fixed on the ground. “How about this, I’ve gotta pick Harrison up later but I’ll give you a ride back to your house after our shift. That way you have another chance to try and talk to them, hopefully when they’re less on edge and if things stay the same and you want some space, you let me know, then we’ll come and get you and you can stay with Harrison and I for a while. If you’d like that.”

Victoria’s head shot up again as she looked back at Cassie, “I- I can’t. That’s not fair on you. Or Harrison-”

Cassie’s hand went right back to resting on Victoria’s arm, “Hey, Victoria. Just take a breath okay, honey. You don’t have to stay with us if you don’t want to but you would never be a burden to us and Harrison would love to have you stay. He counts down the hours until you come to babysit!” 

Victoria let out a small giggle at that before Cassie continued, “You don’t have to make a decision right now. I just want you to know it’s an option for you.”

She went quiet and weighed out her options for a moment. Victoria couldn’t see her mother’s attitude towards her decision changing anytime soon and her father would side with her mom without a doubt, but she was sure staying with someone else would only create a larger rift. However, Victoria was also motivated to continue working in the ER because she knew she had Cassie there, she taught her without belittling her, and was there for her when she needed her.

“I’ll talk to my parents later but- If things do go badly, I think I would like to stay with you. As long as you’re sure that’s okay.”

Cassie smiled as she shuffled closer to Victoria, moving the hand that she had been resting on the younger woman’s arm moved so it was over her shoulders, encouraging Victoria to lean against her.

“I’m sure, honey. You’re gonna be okay.”

[on-a-lucky-tide]

I just read through your "what are Nik's sore spots" ideas and I love them! I have a really horrible one for you if you like. Due to the sensitive subject matter though, feel free to completely ignore this entire thing: Nik values his intelligence, yes? He gets the news his father has Alzheimer's and while there is no love lost between them, Nik knows there are hereditary elements to this. He gets older, and he worries. Worries what it might mean for him. What it might mean for Price, who is statistically more likely to survive him. I'm sorry this got so dark. I uh had thoughts. Sorry.

Cylin I am... Ahhh. This is so heartbreaking and so good.

cw: Alzheimer's discussion.

My headcanon for Nik's early life is of an austere, really harsh father, but a very loving group of women (which is why I think he surrounds himself with strong, intelligent women, to be honest; Laswell, Syd, Farah, Iskra). They're the ones that turned him into this charming, affable bloke, but his father is the one that gave him everything that's not so great; the ruthlessness and the complex about being worth something to others, to name two.

I can absolutely see him losing the plot when he realises. He would fixate on it. Stew on it while he's up there in the skies until it's all that's going around his head. He doesn't want to bother John with it so he keeps it all on the inside until it starts affecting their relationship because he becomes distant, standoffish - "you won't love me like this when I'm useless to you, so I'm just cutting out the waiting period" kinda schtick.

I reckon it would end in a stand up row, because John doesn't like being taken for a mug; he knows there's something wrong and Nik better fuckin tell him and stop treating him like shit, or John's gonna lamp him one. It would come flooding out in an emotional tirade that makes Nik's usually calm voice crack. How he's terrified of losing his mind, how he "knows" one day he'll look at John's face and not know who he is, how he will forget how to fly, how he'll be a liability, a dead weight. How John will look at him with impatience and disgust.

It would take a lot. A lot. To talk him down. I think it's so ingrained in Nik that he has to be useful to deserve life that the idea of a very real and inevitable end to his utility that isn't simply death would be earth shattering. Nik tries not to be needy because that's being a liability so he always ends up swallowing these feelings down until they're eating him like heartburn. John realises that he needs to do the legwork here, but that's ok because he committed to a man, not a superhero stereotype, and Nik needs professional help as well. They can work through it together.

[butterflydm]

rings of power - season 1, eps 7-8

Now that I've watched the first season, I want to poke at Halbrand/Sauron a bit and kinda feel out where I feel his deceptions lie, and where I feel like his honesty was too. And maybe active deception vs his low-level tricking everyone because he's literally the most wanted criminal in the lands and doesn't want people to know. The divide between self-preservation and power-seeking, I guess I would say.

First my thoughts on the last two episodes of the season, and then I'll do a bit of a deep-dive into my thoughts and feelings on Halbrand specifically throughout s1. I am definitely looking forward to diving into s2!

Some spoilers for LotR in general and for what I know about the second season.

episode 7: Extremely emotional.

There were a lot of strong emotions in this one. If ep6 showed us war, this showed us the brutal aftermath, and how bitter it can be. Every storyline contained elements of worrying over fault and blame, and then a determination to continue on despite the struggle.

First in the Harfoot & Stranger storyline, where we have destruction and then renewal. "Be true to each other." "What's the good of living if you aren't living good."

Then in the Durin IV storyline, where Durin (and Disa) makes the choice to cleave to Elrond and their own ambitions instead of what the king wants (and suffer for it). The scenes between Durin, Elrond, and Disa were so touching! I love them, your honor! Do they have a ship name?

But I feel bad for the king, Durin III! He is trying to maintain OSHA compliance while Durin (and Disa) are throwing safety out the window. And... and I'm not sure that the king is wrong about the elves either. By the time of LotR, the elves have finally accepted that they must go to Valinor and leave Middle-Earth for Mortal Men. Here, they are not ready to. Galadriel is almost a metaphor for the rest of her people -- on the cusp of leaving, only to turn back and stay.

Miriel also makes up her mind to stick by the side of her alliance to her elven friend, despite the hardships. A lot of really powerful and heartbreaking scenes. Miriel reaching up to cup Galadriel's face while she cries and promising they will return! <3 <3 (Galadriel does not interact with women often, so I must cling to our Galadriel and Miriel moments!)

And we get Galadriel and Theo's extended time together, which I really enjoyed. I'm glad she was able to help him move past blaming himself, at least a little. We got our first mention of Celeborn as well, I believe, which was... interestingly placed for me (I will explain more below). But I really liked their conversations here - Galadriel trying to help him keep a level head and survive past the moment.

But then we have the footsteps of doom coming. Our first sighting of the Balrog down in the mines, after we have just heard Disa and Durin plan to delve deeper. The King was right about the mines. Does that mean he was right about the elves?

And the renaming of the Southlands to Mordor, which was surprisingly heartbreaking for a font burning away and a new word burning onto the screen. Everything that Galadriel was trying to do in the earlier episodes felt like it was burning away too.

My mom said this felt like a finale to her, so I will be interested to see how she feels about ep8! She also noticed everyone taking the blame and said that she agrees that they are all partially to blame to the disaster, because they were too quick to act without enough information. They underestimated the strength of their enemy. It's a really good point -- and we saw that happen with Nori in this episode too, when she thinks she can trick the people chasing Gandalf and it ends up with wagons all aflame.

episode 8: The Stranger's storyline worked here and I liked it, plus it is (again) very informative about the potential powers that Sauron has -- we see one of the bad guys here changing her form, which is something I know Sauron can do (plus I've seen s2 gifs), and we had the... moral, I guess, of all of it here in their storyline, I think.

It's all about choice. Other people can't show you who you are. Only you can do that.

So I did like that plotline and I feel like it was definitely important on a thematic level.

But the Galadriel & "Halbrand" storyline was the one that I was most captivated by in this episode (which I kinda expected).

First, Elrond and Galadriel's reunion was very touching. <3

I was pressing my hand to my chest and just... watching a master at work whenever Halbrand was chatting up Celebrimbor. That was some good fucking manipulation. He was just... in there. Very impressive!

This episode still had a lot of tension even though I knew where it was going. The reveal was so good! That build-up to it, and then the conversations that Sauron has with Galadriel inside her head, trying to convince her to side with him and... hmm.

So, he tried to convince her into two things.

a. Let the work proceed. This is the smaller ask, and I think the bigger ask helped mask it. This is something that he explicitly asked of her and that she ended up doing. She let the work proceed.

b. The two of them binding themselves together, light to power, and ruling over Middle-Earth together. I assume, given what Adar said earlier in the season, that Sauron meant to bind them together with a blood oath (he gave her brother's dagger back to her when he asked her).

That was a big swing for the fences that obviously blew up in his face but... but plan A still succeeded. He still got the first ask that he placed before her -- no need to lie but... let the work proceed.

And she did. So... yeah, very interesting.

She warned Elrond and Celebrimbor about Halbrand, but she didn't mention Sauron. Ashamed of not seeing what he was? Or desperate to stay in Middle-Earth, enough that she was willing to risk the creation of the rings and what they might mean? Believing even more than ever that she is not worthy of Valinor now, and believing that she needs to take care of the problem herself?

And her brother's dagger... symbolic of her vow to hunt down Sauron... being melted and reforged into the three elven rings... that is also very interesting. Lots of things to think about.

One big question I'm left with is - why does Sauron want the elves to stay? They were about to leave. They would have left Middle-Earth if he hadn't saved the project.

It does follow the advice that he gave Galadriel in Numenor, about how to manipulate people: find out what they fear (the elves fear death and diminishment and being forced to sail West), give them a means to master it (the rings), so that you can master them (One Ring to Rule Them All).

So... a calculated risk, because he'd rather have the elves in Middle-Earth and under his control than off in Valinor? He also may be assuming at that point that he doesn't need to worry about any of them picking up on who he really is, so he thinks it's a smaller risk than it ended up being. He clearly didn't expect Galadriel to confront him at this time, though he rolled with it once she did.

My mom's reaction, in her literal words: "He can't be Sauron. He's too handsome!" She was totally shocked and taken off-guard by the reveal. She did feel like the finale was appropriately epic, and is looking forward to watching s2.

I am uncertain if I would have picked up if he was Sauron or not if I were watching it during my first watch, but I would have found his convos with Celebrimbor suspicious just as Galadriel did, I think.

Oh, I did notice that Halband is wearing the same kind of jewelry around his neck that we've seen around the neck of the Sauron worshipper who used the key to blow up the mountain (who is still with Adar at the end of the season, it seemed). So that was a subtextual visual cue before the actual reveal.

Overall thoughts/vibes on each storyline & character throughout s1:

Nori & the Harfoots - this was not always the most exciting storyline, but it had warmth and charm throughout, and I definitely teared up when Nori was saying goodbye to her family and Poppy at the end of the season. The first Hobbit Harfoot to go off on an adventure with Gandalf a wizard!

Gandalf The Stranger: We definitely see lots of hints of Gandalf throughout the season, but culminating in "always follow your nose" made it really obvious. His plotline is still the most separated from everyone else's, and I suspect that it still is in s2, but maybe his path will cross with Galadriel's in s3. But his plotline told us a lot about Sauron's potential abilities, which was pretty useful since Sauron himself was keeping his powers on the down-low this season and relying on manipulation to achieve his goals.

Durin & Disa - I love them, I adore them, oh dear they are 100% responsible for waking up the Balrog due to their ambitions. The sharp divide between Durin III's dedication to safety measures vs Durin IV's 'dig deeper' feelings are... yeah, that's woken the Balrog. (but of course, it's complicated there too, because he doesn't only do it for ambition, but for friendship as well)

Celebrimbor - much like with Durin & Disa, Celebrimbor is a combination of ambition mixed with genuine desire to help. In Celebrimbor's case, it makes him incredibly vulnerable to Halbrand when he shows up and offers Celebrimbor both the solution and the ability to be the one to give that solution to his people. I kinda know what happens to him in s2 because of gifsets but, yeah. The echoes of doom are already there in his behavior. Much like Durin & Disa, he's willing to overlook the warning signs in order to pursue his desires.

Elrond - What a gem! We really got to see him as such a good person during this season, seeing his genuine friendships with Galadriel and Durin (and now Disa) and seeing his moral struggles.

Bronwyn, Arondir, & Theo - I already know that Bronwyn isn't going to be in s2, but I do appreciate what we got with her while she was here. She's strong and principled (just like Arondir), a good mother, a charismatic leader, and we also watched her struggle with moral choices during the season (whether or not to surrender herself and her people to Adar) but she stayed strong and did not give into temptation.

Elendil & family - okay, so I know that Isildur isn't dead (because I have watched the prologue for LotR) but I feel so bad for Elendil. Not only for believing that he's lost his son, but also because his daughter looked into the palantir, and I just feel like that is Bad News Bears. It seems like he's already had so much loss and pain in his life and I am concerned there is only more to come.

Miriel - I like her, I like her, but she is so doomed. Again, back to Durin & Disa and to Celebrimbor -- we have that mix of ambition and genuine desire to help, and we've been watching all season as ambition has led to dangerous overreach. Ambition awakes the Balrog; ambition leads to the creation of the elven rings (which are tied to Sauron, or at least the visuals certainly implied as much), and ambition led to the loss of her soldiers and her own blinding. And yet at the end of things, she was determined to double-down on her plans (just as Durin & Disa do; just as Celebrimbor does).

Galadriel - my feral angel, I adore her. Ambitious, driven by revenge, feeling like she doesn't deserve peace. And, just like in the other storylines, ambition brings doom along in its wake.

I do hope that Galadriel is able to take her advice to Theo to heart next season, and not blame herself too much for bringing Sauron back to Middle-Earth. Doom was not only coming from her side of things but from others as well. The Balrog was woken up because of Elrond & Durin's side of the story, not Galadriel's. Adar's plot to create Mordor would have happened whether or not Galadriel had brought Sauron to the Southlands. What she did was only one piece of the puzzle that leads us into the current situation.

But just like Durin & Disa, just like Celebrimbor, just like Miriel -- Galadriel chooses to ignore the warning signs in order to push forward with what she wants to do. (inversely, in the Harfoot storyline, we almost have the opposite -- it's the baddies in that one who are pushing forward with their ambitions despite the hints that the Maia they're pursuing isn't Sauron, and they get iced for it)

circling around on Halbrand throughout the season:

While I've seen gifsets from s2, I know that context changes things, so I don't know if any of my analysis of Halbrand/Sauron will hold up throughout the second season, but I wanted to place my thoughts down anyway before I press forward.

I think a lot of his early deceptions fall into the "self-preservation" area as opposed to "power-seeking". We know that he can "die" in some sense of the word because Adar believes that he killed Sauron and Halbrand definitely seems to carry a grudge over it.

I am inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt at the start, mostly because I feel like it's a more interesting story that way, and it's ambiguous enough to be read either way. So - let's say he genuinely wanted to start anew, and saw Numenor as his ticket to not being a Dark Lord again. He's gonna be a weaponsmith; he's gonna be chill and cool; and, hey, if he really needs a way out or he gets bored, there's always the pouch that marks him out as the lost king of the Southlands.

In the first half of the season, Galadriel acts as the great tempter to power and ambition. She tells Halbrand that he's better than just being a smith, and pushes and prods him to join her. He resists for a while, but succumbs after the forge scene.

Is he still trying to start anew, but maybe now he's gonna try to play the role of the King of the Southlands, hoping that it's an elevated enough role that it won't chafe on him?

His burst of temper in Numenor is potentially attributed to two things -- a. there's definitely the Galadriel angle, and disliking the implication that lowly Halbrand isn't ~good enough~ for her and that she deserves a man of "better breeding"; but b. there's also the distinct possibility there that part of what sets him off is being treated like he isn't good enough in general; that these mortal men look down on him at all. That the "clothes of the common" are already starting to chafe on him, as Galadriel tells him in one of their scenes together.

Once Halbrand says 'yes' to Galadriel, we get the King & Commander/Battle Couple section of their relationship, which I am so into. I love Battle Couples (Arondir and Bronwyn are also a great Battle Couple in these episodes, and I loved it for them as well). This is also when they are winding closer and closer together but also when it really feels like Halbrand/Sauron's ambition and deception are shifting more and more into power-seeking vs self-preservation. First the power of a king and then, after Adar cracks open the mountain, the temptation of seeking the power of being a god is irresistible to him, I think, especially if he genuinely believes that he can talk Galadriel into coming along with him.

Because the Galadriel x Halbrand relationship is both built on a lie (of him being Literally Anyone But Sauron) and also absolutely sincere (on an emotional level) from Halbrand/Sauron. And the reason I feel that way is because he doesn't need her! Nothing requires him to have a queen by his side. He wants her there. I remember a certain wizard in LotR talking about how the Dark Lord doesn't share power, but it seems like maybe there was an exception to that, once upon a time! (at least in theory)

And if you ignore the context of her dead brother (which she absolutely never would, but we're in Halbrand's PoV at the moment), then it makes sense that Halbrand believes that he needs to be more than 'just' a mortal if he wants her by his side, because she is the one pushing him to embrace more power in the early days of their relationship. It's easy to see how he might assume that even more power could result in even more approval from her, plus it's what he wants anyway.

We have some big emotionally intimate scenes between them in this section, where they bond over how similar they are. In the forge scene, they both confess to having darkness in them, in having done terrible things. In the woods scenes, they acknowledge that they each needed to be pulled back from the edge of revenge, and admit to the connection between them. Galadriel was into him.

Then the big kaboom happens.

And Halbrand is... yeah. I think this event is what marks his choice.

He was 'found on the road', dreadfully injured in a way that needs Elvish healing to fix. And once Galadriel is there, he can rally enough to ride a horse to wherever she's taking him? Adar created Mordor, but Sauron plans to rule it. When he leaves the Southlanders at the end of the episode, he's... he seems much more detached from them than he was in the previous episode. The King of the Southlands is a dead dream now that the Southlands are dead, but he does not plan to let Adar keep Mordor.

I mentioned in my ep7 thoughts that it was extremely interesting to me that we finally get a mention of Celeborn now. Between when we see Halbrand embracing the role of King of the Southlands (at the end of episode 6) and when Galadriel finds him again at the end of this episode.

Galadriel's husband disappeared into the fog of war and she never saw him again.

The Halbrand in the healing tent... he's making plans. He's being an opportunist. She used him to get an army to the Southlands for her ambitions to kill Sauron, but now he's using her to get to the elves. The Halbrand who was willing to limit his ambitions to being the King of the Southlands... he disappeared into the fog of war. She has lost him already, though she doesn't know it yet.

Those feelings only intensified in episode 8, as Halbrand is charming and ~in awe~ of Celebrimbor and managed to so quickly worm his way into the center of this new creation process. He is the one who suggests each new step as they proceed down the road, who is guiding the process of creating the rings.

If that scroll hadn't been in the catacombs, if there had been no proof that Halbrand wasn't the King of the Southlands, I wonder how Halbrand would have managed to get his (two) rings where he wanted them to be. He could definitely play Celebrimbor to act however he wanted.

But, of course, Celebrimbor did manage to accidentally trip Galadriel's suspicions, by saying something that echoed what Adar had said of Sauron's goals.

She must be so... devastated and humiliated right now. She invested so much into her idea of Halbrand, into making him the King who would help her against Sauron.

Was Sauron being honest in his offer to Galadriel? I mean... I kinda think that he was. But that doesn't help, because of who he is, and what he's done in the past.

The general vs the specific and personal comes into play here -- Galadriel is willing to look past a general dark past, but once it touches her own trauma, then that's too far. This is a very understandable and common barrier -- being deserving of redemption (if you choose to seek it) is a very different thing than deserving being forgiven by the people that you've actively hurt.

Redemption requires more than just doing things differently this time, especially if you are trying to redeem yourself in the eyes of the people who you've hurt. It requires a level of sincere humility on Halbrand/Sauron's part that I'm not certain that he's capable of.

It would mean letting go of his attempts at controlling the situation.

It would mean confessing his crimes and then accepting the consequences of that confession.

Sauron may have tried dedicating himself to "healing Middle-Earth" after Morgoth's fall but as long as that's entirely on his own terms, then he has not changed anywhere near enough.

Anyway, that's not the road that he chose to go down! (and choice is the key, as the Harfoot & Stranger storyline has been reminding us: no one can show you who you are, except yourself)

So I will instead enjoy watching the road that he has chosen to travel, because he is fascinating to watch when he's in full manipulator-mode. Tricksters are fun, even when they're scary. I kinda get Jareth the Goblin King from Labyrinth vibes due to the type of manipulation that it feels like Sauron favors - "Just let me rule you and you can have anything you want".

Yeah, my thoughts on this may change depending on what s2 shows me but for now, that's my feeling.

[liesinmyeyes]

hey, so I'm a new pagan witch and one who has barely practiced anything yet/ has only like 10 pages filled in their book of shadows

i am seeking advice on what to do with myself and my craft and practices, or just hoping someone has felt/currently feels the same way I do because I'm the only pagan witch I know irl and have no one to tell this to.

practicing witchcraft makes me anxious? I haven't really done anything aside from wearing crystal necklaces and sleeping with an amethyst below my pillow, but i'm lowkey afraid to do much more than that because whenever I do research across the internet (don't worry, I don't only take one pinterest source at face value, I make sure to look at other sources on the internet and always check with multiple witchy forums/threads or just simply history sources if the practice is closed/appropriated or should be done as a beginner) - but here is my issue. There's soooo many sources on the internet that tell you so many differing opinions. Some sources will say "NO WAY DON'T EVER DO THAT" while others will go "it's okay and totally safe". I haven't ever read a book abt witchcraft because I know how much TERF-y and culturally appropriate-y agendas they have and the amount of misinformation in a lot of them. I almost got radicalized once before and I told myself "never again", so i'm too afraid to pick up a book half the witches praise for being so good and accurate and half condemn for including TERF bs. I know I should form my own opinions on magic(k) and how I percieve witchcraft but i just get this BOUT of anxiety whenever I see a post anywhere on the internet saying "DONT EVER DO THAT AS A WITCH" or something along those lines... i can never tell what's just gatekeepy fear-mongering and what's an actual closed/dangerous practice anymore and it makes me too afraid to pursue anything because I fear bad things happening to me more than anything. I think it's a side effect of my neurodivergent self wanting to be told exactly what I can and can't do (considering my ethnic identity) and how and when to do it, what moral code to abide by, which is a tough ask in something like witchcraft.

i often feel swayed and get these bouts of guilt for NOT being christian. I grew up areligious in a very christian country with an added sprinkle of shaming people for being religious (which i dont agree with obvs). When I was agnostic and not giving any thought to religion at all, it was fine and dandy. But now that I identify myself as a pagan who worships the greek gods, I often feel, idk, ashamed of it? I'm friends with some very devout christian gals and whenever they talk about going to church or getting their sins forgiven I just feel so guilty and kind of like I'm sinning myself. I feel like I shouldn't be believing in the Gods and should be christian instead, even though SO many of my world views don't align with christianity's teachings and frankly, I don't want to be christian? I want the Gods to be real and I want to worship them. But I often doubt my faith in them and feel the guilt of not being christian like everyone else in my country. Is this a faith issue? On some days I won't doubt the Gods existing at all and feel all happy and uplifted and sure in my faith and on other days I'll be sitting around all day, questioning all my morals and beliefs and questioning whether I'm going to hell for praying to the greek gods. Maybe it's because of all my sorroundings (multiple churches in my town, Jesus statues everywhere, very christian friends) that I feel that way, but if anyone could tell me how to stop these thoughts I'd give ANYTHING to do that. (Not that there's anything wrong with christianity or finding comfort in it, its just that whenever I think about it I get anxious because the concept of eternal torture just for enjoying life on earth scares me. On the other hand, I DO find comfort in worshiping the greek gods. I feel more beautiful, inspired to write, so on and so forth...)

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.189 Correction

When story time ended, Sophia took Desi to the bathroom and washed away the mess. With a few moments to myself, I went to the real estate website to see our house again and choose which side we'll call home. Both houses have an identical layout, so it really boiled down to which furniture we liked more. The gray house had a more sophisticated vibe, while the blue house was more relaxed and comfortable. Choosing was a lot harder than I imagined because they both were nice, and I couldn't go wrong with either. Ultimately, however, I chose the gray one. I figured since I'm taking on all the risk, it's only right we live in the fancier one. Just as I picked up the phone to call Less and tell her we have a house, someone knocked at the front door. It was Dub! I let him in and told him I was just thinking of him yesterday. Usually he'd take the opportunity to joke about how he has that effect on sims, but he just kinda snorted and said it was funny in the driest of tones. There was nothing funny about that half-hearted laugh and him standing in the foyer staring into the corner. Something was wrong.

"Earth to Dubstep. You coming in or you gonna stand in the foyer all night?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm good."

He definitely was not good because he didn't even flinch at the mention of the nickname he hates so much. Whatever's got him in a funk is probably why he's here. He always comes to me when he's in crisis. Well, when he perceives he's in crisis, rather. I love the guy, but he's a little high-strung sometimes. I'm glad he has sims in his life like Maia and me who are much calmer and more level-headed to keep him straight.

I didn't want to just dive in and spook him, though, so I started with a little small talk.

"Happy belated," I said.

"Thanks, man," he replied with a tiny grin.

"How did Tami like sharing her day with you?"

He let out a very long sigh, and I knew I had stepped unintentionally right into the middle of what I tried to dance around. I guess we're going all the way in.

"She didn't."

"Oh."

"How do you-" He stopped himself and turned away from me. "Nevermind. You wouldn't understand."

"Understand what?"

He swatted at me, trying to sweep the conversation back under the rug.

"Nothing. You have the perfect child and all this wisdom. You don't understand what it's like for the rest of us."

Was he mocking me? I've had it up to here with everyone assuming I live this perfect life and have all the answers. I'm one of the most down-to-earth sims I know, yet somehow I still end up being out of touch with everyone. Am I too confident? Too strong? I know I've carried things I shouldn't have in the past, and I need to be more open, but how does that equate to me having it all together? I know Dub is upset about something and isn't thinking straight, so I'm gonna try to let it go this time, but not before I give him a little dose of truth because, upset or not, this fairytale everyone thinks I live in ends today.

"Do you really believe that?" I asked.

He shrugged.

"Maybe. I don't know. But I'm sure you're gonna tell me how I'm wrong, so..."

"Damn right I am. You don't know my life like you think you do. And you definitely don't know what goes on in my head. 'All this wisdom?' I got it from all the shit and mental gymnastics I've been through. Now, I'll be the first to say my child is the best, but she has her moments too. And I've had my share of parenting and marriage fails, so don't tell me I don't know what it's like."

He sat silently for a few moments, taking in my reprove. Part of me thinks all he needed was to hear me say he's not alone, but another part thinks he still needs advice on something, so I got down to business.

"What happened, Dub? I don't like seeing you like this."

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that."

"Don't worry about it. What's going on?"

"You ever wonder if you're ruining Desi?"

His question caught me off guard, and I laughed. He has no idea how obvious that answer should be.

"Only all the time," I said.

His eyes lit up.

"Really?"

"Of course. Did Tami come with a manual? Because we sure didn't get one. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, man, so yeah...I wonder. Like, her birthday is in two days, but I'm still carrying her around like an infant. She enjoys it, so it's cool, but is it hurting her? Will she want to be up under us all the time when she's older? Am I keeping her from becoming independent? I question every move I make with her, even if it's not necessarily bad."

"I feel that." He sat there, nodding over and over as if to drum up the courage to make his next statement. "Tami has been doing and saying some mean things lately, but I just let it happen because of my own feelings about the sims she's doing it to."

"How do you mean?"

"I told you she kicked my former tenants. You know they deserved that. She also bit my father-in-law. I was so proud of her because someone needs to knock him down a few pegs. But she's older now and using words. She cut up this little girl in the park yesterday and told her she wasn't pretty."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. But the other girl started it, so she had it coming too."

"I see what you mean now."

"So, what do you think about it?"

Oof. Why does he always put me in this position? I have a lot of feelings about this, but I'm sure none of them are what he wants to hear. But what kind of friend would I be if I said nothing? I'd feel terrible if Tami grew up to be a monster, knowing I had the opportunity to shed some light early on. It won't be comfortable, but I've got to at least try. Here goes nothing.

"I think ... You're my boy, and I'll always tell you the truth, so ... You're her dad, Dub. You should be the one telling her those things are wrong, not encouraging her bad behavior. I know you think all those folks got what they deserved, which is also problematic, but is that the message you want to send Tami? That she can do and say whatever she wants and get away with it because 'they deserved it?' I'm afraid of the path you're putting her on. What kind of a woman will she become if you let her continue on like this? Do you think of her future?"

"Of course I do! What kind of a-"

He paused, succumbing to the realization I was right, even though I wondered if I had gone too far.

"I'm sorry if I'm out of line," I said. "I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't care."

"No. You're right. You always are. I was just thinking about what my parents will say if they find out how she's been acting. There's no way in hell they would have let me get away with the stuff I let slide."

I can't imagine my parents letting us get away with that either, but I honestly don't know what they would have done. Me and Less never really got into trouble, and my parents were both so lenient. I guess I'll never know. Hopefully, I'll never have to talk to Desi about this.

"I'm glad you always keep it 100 with me," he continued. "That's why I trust you so much. Can't lie, though. That hurt, but I know I needed to hear it. Deep down, I knew, but I never saw it like that. I'll do better, though. Believe that."

"I believe it, man. We don't play about our daughters."

"We absolutely do not!"

Not that I don't love these deep conversations with my best friend, but that one got really heavy, and he clearly has a lot to mull over later, so I pulled out my phone and showed him our new home, hoping a lighter topic would do the trick.

[ask-postcrash-curly]

Oh no, did you hear my tears again...? I am sorry if I worried you, dear. But they were not tears of sorrow this time, I assure you; after you had drifted off, my head began to settle, and all of a sudden I became simply so overwhelmed by a sudden rush of relief and joy and... oh so many other emotions. I suppose the thoughts of you finally being able to sleep again, to properly sleep... oh, I could not explain why, but it makes me wish to burst into tears once more. I am just so glad that your rest has been fruitful. It will surely help to speed your recovery along, yes?

Ah, so now we've a rough time frame of it as well— with substantial wiggle room, of course. That is fantastic, darling. I am sure that the anticipation must be astounding, but I hope that you do not feel in any rush to force yourself to pretend you are better before you are ready. It is okay if there are setbacks. They are a natural part of recovering, too.

Oh? That is just as wonderful news for them, too. I am sure Mr. Swansea is— oh. No, no, darling, do not say that. They would not do that to you. They would not... they would not leave you behind that way. Especially not Miss Anya. Not after everything you all have been through together. They... they cannot. Yes, I— I do understand that they also have families and friends who are just as worried about them, but— who will look after you? No, no, do not tell me that your doctors will, Grant Curly Warbler. I do not trust the healthcare personnel of Minos as far as I would be able to throw them!! Strapping you to your bed is barbaric enough on its own, yes, even if it was to keep you from injuring yourself!! What if they begin mistreating you again and there is no one around to remind them of your needs? No, no, no, they cannot return to Earth without you, they cannot leave you all alone. They cannot!!

I— I am sorry, dear, I must go and see if I am able to reach out to Miss Anya or Mr. Swansea again. Perhaps even Daisuke. I cannot accept this. I refuse. Oh! Your parents, they know now— perhaps I could contact them, and they could have a word the next time they are in touch, yes...?! Or even Lise!

Please, Curly, tell me where to reach them..!

There's a relief. They're talking about maybe getting me on sleep aids for a while so I can get some kind of circadian rhythm built back up. Something like that, I don't know. (It would be liquid or an injection. No pills.)

Really emphasizing the wiggle room here... It could be a while. Still, end's in sight, yeah? Or it will be once I can open my eye. Don't worry about that. I really can't pretend. It'll be pretty damn obvious if I'm not doing well at physical therapy because I won't be able to move.

It really is. I'm glad they're okay. Part of me was still worried about that... No, hey, I'm not asking you to reassure me. Just for an opinion. I'm sure they're desperate to get home and to their families. Do I want to be here myself? No. But I'd manage, yeah? I trust the doctors here to— Hey, hey, hey, it wasn't barbaric. It was while I was still pretty drugged up. They were just keeping me from falling out of the bed. Okay? If they'd let me move around like I was trying to do, I could've ripped out the IV or the breathing tube. Or messed up my skin and had to go back into surgery. They did what they had to, and I promise I'm not trying to make it sound better than it was. That's really how it went. I wasn't scared. They're not going to mistreat me, they've been good about listening to what I need— I'm okay. Seriously, I don't love the idea of me being alone here either, but it's just my anxieties. I'm safe here.

Wait, c'mon, you really don't have to do that. It's their choice to make, not mine, okay? I don't want them staying here against their will on my account— Mum. C'mon. You can't tell my family to tell the crew to stay here with me either. I'm okay, really. It's okay. Try to stay calm, yeah? Nothing's wrong. I'm right here and I'm safe.

[jamsmemes]

(     *     INTERSTELLAR PROMPTS   !    

a self indulgent meme based on interstellar (part 1). feel free to change pronouns / details as needed  !

❛ there's no ghost. ❜

❛ you know that's not scientific. ❜

❛ you say science is about admitting what we don't know. ❜

❛ start minding your business. ❜

❛ figure it out. i'm not always going to be here to help you. ❜

❛ murphy's law doesn't mean bad stuff will happen. it means whatever can happen, will happen. ❜

❛ almost got it. don't stop. ❜

❛ how long you think it's been up there? ❜

❛ what are you going to do with it? ❜

❛ couldn't we just let it go? it's not hurting anyone. ❜

❛ this thing has to adapt, just like the rest of us. ❜

❛ am i gonna be mad? ❜

❛ you don't believe we went to the moon? ❜

❛ our children need to learn about this planet, not tales of leaving it. ❜

❛ i, uh... got you suspended.❜

❛ you should come take a look, it's kinda weird. ❜

❛ been working on it, like you said. ❜

❛ we've forgotten who we are. explorers, pioneers. ❜

❛ this world isn't so bad. ❜

❛ you're the one who doesn't belong. born forty years too late, or forty years too early. ❜

❛ we used to look up and wonder at our place in the stars. now we just look down and worry about our place in the dirt. ❜

❛ you were good at something and never got a chance to do anything with it. i'm sorry. ❜

❛ popcorn at a ball game is unnatural. i want a hot dog. ❜

❛ what's a hot dog? ❜

❛ i think that's great. ❜

❛ you think that's great? ❜

❛ what's important is how you feel about it. ❜

❛ i like what you do. ❜

❛ you wanna clean that up when you're finished praying to it? ❜

❛ you can't leave me behind! ❜

❛ you don't know what you're going to find. ❜

❛ that's why i can't take you. ❜

❛ you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me. ❜

❛ fair enough. make yourself useful. ❜

❛ i think this is as far as we get. ❜

❛ you didn't bring the bolt cutters? ❜

❛ i like your spirit. ❜

❛ don't be afraid. ❜

❛ how did you find this place? ❜

❛ you had the coordinates for this facility marked on your map. where did you get them? ❜

❛ how did you find us? ❜

❛ you think you can flirt your way out of this mess? ❜

❛ i'll tell you anything you want to know. okay? ❜

❛ it's not that simple. ❜

❛ i don't know anything about you or this place. ❜

❛ you're sitting in the world's best kept secret — you don't stumble in. and you certainly don't stumble out. ❜

❛ please. cooperate with these people. ❜

❛ don't you know who we are? ❜

❛ we'll find a way. we always have. ❜

❛ tell me this is where you explain how you're going to save the world. ❜

❛ we're not meant to save the world... we're meant to leave it. ❜

❛ you're the best we ever had. ❜

❛ this is the mission you were trained for. ❜

❛ an hour ago, you didn't even know i was still alive. ❜

❛ we had no choice. ❜

❛ something brought you here. ❜

❛ they chose you. ❜

❛ how long would i be gone? ❜

❛ get out there and save them. ❜

❛ where does it lead? ❜

❛ someone placed it there. ❜

❛ whoever they are, they appear to be looking out for us. ❜

❛ it came along right as we needed it. ❜

❛ so if we find a new home, what then? ❜

❛ we just give up on the people here? ❜

❛ almost? you're asking me to hang everything on an almost? ❜

❛ i'm asking you to trust me. ❜

❛ all those years of training — you never told me. ❜

❛ we can't always be open about everything, even if we want to be. ❜

❛ find us a new home. ❜

❛ you have my word. ❜

❛ go! if you're leaving, just go! ❜

❛ this world was never enough for you, was it? ❜

❛ i'm not gonna lie to you — heading out there is what i feel i was born to do and it excites me. ❜

❛ don't trust the right thing done for the wrong reason. ❜

❛ the 'why' of a thing? that's the foundation. ❜

❛ next year ain't gonna save us. nor the one after. ❜

❛ this world's a treasure. but she's been telling us to leave for a while now. ❜

❛ mankind was born on earth. it was never meant to die here. ❜

❛ you have to talk to me. ❜

❛ i have to fix this before i go. ❜

❛ once we're parents, we're just the ghosts of our children's futures. ❜

❛ you said ghosts don't exist. ❜

❛ you don't believe me?! ❜

❛ i'm coming back. ❜

❛ one for you. one for me. ❜

❛ when i get back we'll compare. ❜

❛ you and me. imagine that... ❜

❛ you have no idea when you're coming back. ❜

❛ don't make me leave like this. ❜

❛ i love you. forever. and i'm coming back. ❜

❛ look after our place, you hear? ❜

❛ its hard. leaving everything. ❜

❛ we're going to spend a lot of time together... ❜

❛ we should learn to talk. ❜

❛ just trying to be honest. ❜

❛ maybe you don't need to be that honest. ❜

❛ absolute honesty isn't always the most diplomatic, or safe form of communication with emotional beings. ❜

❛ we'll be waiting when you get back. ❜

❛ do not go gentle into that good night. ❜

❛ rage, rage against the dying of the light. ❜