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jodilin65 · 8 years ago

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SUNDAY, JANUARY 31, 2016 Going to attempt to start updating what’s turned out to be a nightmare of a trip so far. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and then some! I, along with some other cruisers, am recovering from a nasty heat stroke.

Before leaving the hotel in Fort Lauderdale, I updated on Facebook, Twitter, and texted Aly. We’ve been Internet-cursed all the way, not that we absolutely need to get online. But the hotel’s wasn’t working and I doubt it would have been all that safe and secure if it had been. The ship’s Wi-Fi has been out as well. On top of that, we forgot to pack my laptop’s charger, couldn’t purchase one onboard, and so my battery, which is currently at 62%, probably won’t survive the rest of the trip.

So here’s the story. We hung out in our room for a few hours, then headed toward the front of the hotel to await the free shuttle that takes people to both the dock and the airport. However, there were so many damn people and the shuttles were taking forever, so we grabbed a cab. Before leaving we talked with a few really nice women and a black guy who was sailing on a much smaller ship we’d never heard of. It was called something like AIDA vita.

The women said I sounded and looked like someone they knew named Brenda, also from the northeast. Yeah, all these years later, I still sound northeastern, LOL.

There were so many damn motorcycles blasting by as well and I could tell that others found it just as annoying. I wish they’d ban the damn things nationwide, especially the thunderously loud ones.

It took us nearly a half-hour to arrive at Port Everglades. “ID’s ready,” said the (Jamaican) cabby as we approached the port, and we then showed our passports to a security guard who asked if we had any weapons. Do they really expect any potential criminals to admit it if they did? LOL

Then he goes, “Who’s the weapon here?”

I laughed and said I was. Tom was confused at first, though, as he’s not used to security guards joking. Usually, they’re all serious and businesslike.

So we get to the port and I thought that just like when we sailed the Westerdam (we saw it docked next to our ship), we would just go into a large room where people “zig-zagged” their way to where they take your picture for your ID/room card after taking your boarding pass and checking your passports and all that fun stuff. I figured at most the whole process would take about an hour.

Wrong! Very wrong.

Instead, we were caught up in a 4-hour nightmare. Not only will we NEVER cruise the highly disorganized, greedy Royal Caribbean ships again, but we’ll never cruise again period! One couple said they’d cruised 14 times and this was the first time what we went through ever happened, but I think we’ll still stick to solid ground and airplanes in the future be it Hawaii, Jamaica, Greece… wherever we go.

Because the ship holds over 4K people instead of the 1500 or so the Westerdam holds, the room where you check in simply isn’t big enough to loop lines of people to accommodate everyone. Therefore, the line extended outdoors and pretty much wrapped around the building. This macho, loud-mouthed security guard made us form loops around certain areas. This meant that a lot of us were exposed to the sun depending on where we were within the line.

We were kind of in this large alley where one of the Princess ships was docked right across from the Independence of the Seas that we’re on, and I was gazing at it, sorry we hadn’t gone with them instead like we almost did.

We also saw the Oasis, which is RC’s largest ship. Thank God we didn’t go on that! There are way too many people on this ship as it is. Just waiting for a chance to get on one of the elevators can be quite a task, and some of these people walk as slow as Californians drive.

I have seen people from every race, color and country imaginable and got to use my Spanish twice. I thought most of the people would be older, but there’s a diverse variety of ages as well as cultures… white, black, Hispanic, Asian, Muslim, etc. The couple next to us is Hungarian. It was neat to be able to hear so many different languages spoken around me, and I could understand some, of course. We all got along just fine and it’s sad that the media still exploits and portrays some people as victims when the vast majority of people have no problem with them, and they have just as much freedom and opportunity as anyone else. Maybe even more. I guess it’s just “popular.”

Back to the nightmare. I’m standing out in the sunlight and wishing to hell I hadn’t forgotten my light pink cap with the shiny sparkles. The top of my head where my hair parts, as well as my face and chest began to fry. Tom, being a head taller than me, tried to block me from the sun as he is more tolerant to it having grown up in Arizona, and was smart enough to hydrate himself with plenty of water beforehand. Had I known the damn ship’s computers and scanners were going to cause a delay, along with something pertaining to immigration, I’d have watered up, too. But there was no way to anticipate this shit.

The minutes turned into hours. My feet began to blister. People began to try to cut ahead in line. Some even began to shout and I didn’t know if they were going to start fighting or what. One of the idiot crewmembers told us 2 hours before we embarked that were finally boarding, inciting a round of cheers all for nothing.

I started feeling worse. I was hot, weak and dizzy, like I was going to pass out. I finally ran down to the bathroom, which I was afraid to do at first because I didn’t want to lose Tom in the crowd if God forbid the line actually started moving. But I eventually had no choice and I ran for it only to find that the water fountains were fucking broken. I complained to one of the security guards but they pretty much didn’t give a shit or do anything to help me.

I then ran into the bathroom, heart booming up a storm, and struggled to run water in the sink which had a motion sensor. I couldn’t get the damn thing started and it would only run for a few seconds at a time. I have come to pretty much hate anything motion-censored! I finally managed to bend over and get a few sips of water into my rapidly dehydrating body.

Then I ran back through the searing sun to find Tom, which wasn’t hard. The line hadn’t moved and so he wasn’t in one of the inner loops of people, which would have made it much harder for me to spot him as I would have had to struggle to see over people’s heads as short as I am, and then squeeze through the crowd to get to him.

I really thought that after experiencing a cold winter in NorCal I would enjoy soaking up the sun, but instead, it soaked me up. I hoped I’d be okay and that we’d board soon, but instead the line remained still and I began to pass out. Several people were kind enough to make way for me to sit down on a curbside. I was forever grateful but also feeling too shitty to care about the scene I knew I was making.

A middle-aged woman stepped forward and advised me to put my head down between my knees, saying she was trained in first aid, CPR and other things. If that didn’t help, she’d have had me lie down while she held my feet up. But it did help enough.

Then someone else handed me a bottle of water as well as a banana and that helped even more. Again, I was thankful as hell. I was so damn dehydrated that when I overheated my body couldn’t even sweat to cool me down. I will never forgive Royal Bastards for this, and yes, I am going after them. I learned the hard way years ago… turn the other cheek and you’re giving people the wrong idea. In other words, you’re saying it’s okay to screw you over, intentional or not, and they most certainly will if they can.

I wasn’t the only one to suffer a heat stroke. Oh no. Far from it. Paramedics came for someone else, but they must have recovered because they didn’t take them away.

Finally, Tom decided we should get out of line and stay in the shade. Then we would jump in at the very end of the line if that time ever finally arrived. Thank God he at least stayed hydrated and with it as I never would’ve thought of this. By that time I’d “gone Dureen.” Well, heatstrokes sure do leave you confused and disoriented so now I really get why they call them heatstrokes.

Many people called and bitched to the cruise line and a couple of crewmembers finally came and passed out bottles of water to people, including some Broward County police officers that I guess must have been called to the scene. Pretty sad that it took two hours for the crew members to care enough to offer water, while it took just two seconds for someone to hand me a bottle of water AND a banana which they very well may later have come to regret giving me since it took so long. I hope not, though! Especially since the other passengers cared more than the crew.

We went around the corner of the building where several carts containing our luggage stood and saw some guy finally dragging fences to set up rows for people to stand in who were out of the sun.

After what seemed like an eternity, the seemingly endless line of people finally ended and we were FINALLY indoors! After checking in we walked up the tilted gangway and onto the ship and I thought of how hard that would be for Tammy. Not only did a part of me wish I could grab our money back in one hand and our luggage in the other and just forget it, but I remembered how she said she and Mark wanted to go on a cruise. Personally, with her health issues, I think that would be a bit much for her. Even on a smaller ship you still have a lot of walking to do.

This isn’t the end of the shit we’ve had to deal with. I’m just too out of it to write anymore right now.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 30, 2016 Got up a little after 3am and am typing this from the hotel. Am I tired? Well, of course, even though I didn’t sleep any worse than usual. I think I am just permanently tired for life.

The “free” Wi-Fi here doesn’t work, so I’m not going to check in online anywhere. I’ll wait till we’re on the ship.

Going in order of events… we dove under Mississippi and Alabama and crossed the Gulf of Mexico and then into Florida. I wished I were telepathic so I could mentally send a message to Tammy saying, “I’m here, big sis! I’m here!”

The two things I saw most of were water and palm trees. We flew over these swampy marshes that probably housed who knows how many alligators.

Using tongs, the flight attendant gave us warm washcloths to wash up with before eating. We noticed brown spots on ours and decided we weren’t interested in “cleanliness” after all. Then the girl returns to say, “Those weren’t dirty, they just had coffee spilled on them.”

After she was out of earshot Tom and I laughed at that one. Coffee spilled all over them doesn’t make them “dirty?” It was a hilarious thing to say, not that it mattered. We weren’t these filthy creatures in need of a washcloth bath in the first place, haha. Still, Alaska Airlines was more organized than United.

We got some better snacks on this flight, though. I loved the mix of cashews and almonds, and since Tom hates nuts, I saved some for this morning. Well, I had to wait 30 minutes after taking my damn thyroid meds. The hotel’s restaurant opens in 15 minutes. Hopefully the food and coffee will help perk me up.

The best snack that we both liked was a warm chocolate chip cookie that was both crispy and soft.

From what I noticed, we got as fast as 661 MPH and as high as 38,613 feet. Upon landing, the pilot headed out over the ocean, turned around, and then landed. For a minute I was like, “Yo buddy, you just passed Florida!”

If it weren’t for seatbelts, I would be thrown right outa my seat upon landing. Fat or not, I’m still lighter and shorter than most adults.

Florida is surprisingly cool and dry at just 55°. This is not the Florida I know and remember from the 3 times I was here in the past, twice seeing my parents, once going cruising.

WTF?

I’m not moving here if it’s going to be too much like Sacramento. In that case, we may as well just shoot on over the border into the Nevada desert when he retires and save money that way since it’s cheaper there than Cali.

The area around the airport seemed rather shabby. Lots of rundown homes and businesses.

Later…

Breakfast took place in a too-loud sports bar with blasting TVs all around the room, and a waitress who spoke loudly with one of the just as loud customers. Tom got an omelet and I got eggs with a chopped steak, home fries, and buttery rye toast. I’d give it about a 7. Sorry, but Denny’s is better.

Anyway, we shuttled here to the Red Carpet Inn, even though there isn’t a stitch of carpet in the room. It’s just a ceramic tile floor. The room is kind of small, though not too small, but it kind of smells like wet towels in here. The shower isn’t the greatest because the water barely gets hot, but the bed is super comfy. Tom thought it was a bit soft, but I liked it.

After hearing a motorcycle roar out in the evening and someone’s chair scraping across the floor, I thought I wouldn’t get much sleep, but I didn’t sleep any worse than usual. We’re on the end and semis have been idling alongside one wall, though they don’t bother me

For now, we just sit and wait till we shuttle off to the dock!

I suppose I should get caught up on my dreams until then before I forget them and my notes no longer make sense to me. Last night I was talking to Andy on the phone and I was reminded of his selfishness as he never cared to ask about where I was or how I was enjoying my trip.

The dream I had before we left was the first dream I had of the black bitch in Arizona that was, well, different. Usually, any dreams involving her are negative and she’s trying to screw me all over again and I’m powerless to do a damn thing about it. Yet in the dream, I found her to be amazingly beautiful instead of the uglier than fuck piece of shit she really is. I also forgave her, unlike I ever would or could be willing to do, and she seemed to be over my supposed “victimization” of her.

We were staying in a hotel somewhere and some fellow black she knew stopped by the room at some point. Laughing, she said something funny about him to me, and I said something about going lesbian, dropping hints that I was liberal, open-minded, and perhaps interested in some fun.

They then asked if I wanted to join them for a bite to eat as I was looking for a bag of coins I had somewhere. I said I wasn’t hungry and asked where my bag of change was.

Then I was alone in the room, realized it was noon, and that it was time for me to get to a dance class I had signed up for. I stepped out of the room and into the chilly air, sorry that I was sleeveless, and began to walk alongside some black guy. In my mind, I wished I could be seen walking with him by all those I’ve ever known for some strange reason.

What else… apparently Becky is being taunted for her weight based on the posts she’s made. Let me guess… one of those bullies is none other than the lovely Bill G, right?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 29, 2016 Greetings from United Airlines! As always, I’ll post this online when I can.

How wonderful it is to fly with a laptop to write on instead of a notebook. The only problem is that I’m not used to this keyboard so I may make several typos.

We’re about 100 miles from Albuquerque right now after flying over parts of Nevada and Arizona. All I see below me are snow-capped mountains. Things are browner down there than they were earlier in the flight and the snow is thinning out. I see more of civilization down there now that we’re past the Sierra Nevada mountain ranges.

Although the plane is said to have Wi-Fi, we didn’t feel it was worth paying for. There are supposed to be outlets for charging things, but I have a full battery. I just wish it were easier to type on this thing!

I posted to Facebook from the airport from my phone.

It was exciting in those final moments before leaving the house. We turned the water off and waited in the driveway for Super Shuttle. It was drizzling and chilly. Anyone looking out their window would’ve thought I lost my mind with the way I was happily twirling around singing part of Napoleon’s song, “They’re coming to take us away, ha ha, hee hee, ho ho.”

Saw Bob trimming our tree the day before we left, and had some nervous butterflies right before we left, but none since then. Wish it could always be that way.

We took off in the dark and had many patches of clouds to go through, causing turbulence. Takeoff was exciting as hell and I shed a few tears of anticipation in seeing Tammy in a few days.

We didn’t want to take the Caddy in case all its fancy gadgets drained the battery and caused us to need to jump it. We’d rather jump it in our driveway than at the airport.

Looks like the guy in front of me – well, in front of Tom – also has a MacBook Air. How appropriate for first-class, huh? It’s lovely being up here with all the other “rich snobs.” Tom and I joke about that. I mean it kinda makes you feel rich.

Tom was right… he hated what they served for breakfast except for a nice tasty buttery bun that was actually the best part of the meal. The oatmeal was bland as hell, but I had some fruit and a few bites of yogurt. I was served a cup of much-needed coffee after boarding but before taking off. That’s one of the perks of first class; drinks before takeoff as well as after. He had soda.

We’ll be arriving in Houston in a couple of hours. Just wish I were a little more awake. But when you’ve got PMS fatigue and you didn’t sleep without waking up a million times along the way, it’ll make you tired.

Other than Tom spilling his drink on me, I’m just kicking back and waiting till we land. Because I’m tired I’ll be sure to have a second cup of coffee on the next flight to Florida. I’m going to be exhausted by the time we arrive at our hotel. I just hope I can sleep when I need to. Rowdy kids or not, drunk adults or not, I know all too well just how much people like to slam doors and other shit.

Later…

Signing in once again from the friendly skies now on the way to Ft. Lauderdale. No offense to you Texans, but you sure do have some of the brownest, muddiest-looking bodies of water, LOL.

As we waited in Houston, Tom said he never feels like he’s in another place when he travels. Me neither. Maybe that’s because we’re such well-traveled people. Besides, you find the same things no matter where you go… hotels, stores, restaurants, hospitals, etc.

At the Houston airport, we got breakfast sandwiches, since we were both hungry. Tom said that if he didn’t get something there, then with his luck they’d really have something he hated for lunch on the plane.

I checked in on Facebook and texted Aly while on the ground, too.

The flight attendant just asked us if we wanted blankets. I passed. Funny how they offer them on this flight where it’s a little warmer. It was 43° when we left Sac Int’l. I think it was 55° in Houston.

As always, taking off and landing was fun. Very loud, but fun. Can’t believe it took them 45 minutes to board, though. That just seems silly. My ears have been popping like crazy, especially upon climbing and descending. We took off quicker this time and I watched the cars turn into little ants and then disappear altogether. This flight is 2 hours and 1 minute long. Lunch will be served soon. I’m beat and I just want to land and fall into bed! My butt is sore too. I already miss my gel cushion.

I love how this plane has a GPS thing in the back of the seat in front of me so I can watch the flight’s progress. We’re now going 560 MPH. We haven’t hit cruising altitude yet and are still at 28K feet. There’s a delay in updating its stats because it tried to tell us we took off at a speed of just 28 MPH.

We’re hitting turbulence now, but are now up over 30K feet. We’re over 600 MPH now, too. We’re skirting under the southern part of Louisiana.

Chicken and Swiss sandwiches are about to be served.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 28, 2016 Can’t believe I read 5 books so far this year, even if I really listened to them being read to me. Reading may not resume till after the trip, though.

Tammy had surgery the other day and has another procedure done on Monday. We’ll be in Mexico that day. Hopefully, this will help finally end some of her pain issues!

As for those evil butterflies that live in my chest just above my tummy… they’ve been mild but annoying. They come and go. Stacey’s trick still helps, but I really wish they’d sign off for good.

When a friend who’s two years younger said they didn’t have it too bad and has already gone through menopause, I said to myself, it totally figures! I’m happy for her, but leave it to me to get it the worst. It’s been horrible so far and definitely the worst medical experience of my life. Plus I still do have periods. I have a bad feeling I’m going to suffer more intensely than most for many more years to come.

In less than 30 hours we’ll be gone! We’ll be heading to the Sac airport before sunup and this may very well be my final entry before we leave. I want to save my writing for the plane anyway. I won’t be able to get online, of course, but it’s going to be a very long flight and I want to have things to do like writing and reading.

Tom’s last day of work was yesterday. He upgraded me to OS X El Capitan while I slept because Safari lost its mind. Also got one of the surveillance cameras up and running that’s trained on the back door. Today will be mostly a waiting game, but tomorrow we’ll really be bustling about getting those last-minute things done… and hoping we haven’t forgotten anything.

Okay, until I return, whenever that may be!!!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 2016 Two days to go till take-off! Weeeeee!

So I got an email confirming that yes, I won not just 1, but all 5 Springfield dolls, Maria, Olivia, Madison, Abby & Emma. Although not very realistic looking, they’re cute 18” dolls, and it’s funny cuz I almost bought one of these.

The set includes a blue-eyed blond, a green-eyed redhead, a brown-eyed brunette, a black doll and a Hispanic doll. Where the hell I’m going to put them is beyond me at the moment, despite having a decent-sized house, LOL. As it is I already have an Asian doll of the same size, a blue-eyed redhead, and a green-eyed blond, only they’re made by different companies.

It’s a nice reminder, since returning to sweeping, that even though things have changed since 2005, people can and do still win these things.

A headline caught my attention yesterday about Thai airlines accepting tickets for dolls believed to be possessed by children’s spirits, and how snacks and stuff like that are bought for them, and I was not only LMAO at how silly this seems (to each their own, though), but I swear one of the dolls pictured is my Workout Chic doll by Adora. Mine just has short hair and a different outfit. She is a semi-expensive doll that is very lifelike and realistic at 22”.

Next time I shower I will remove my Fitbit till after vacation since I’m not going to be here to accumulate and log my weekly step goal anyway.

That’s it for now. Damn, I wish we could just pack up the rest of our stuff and go! NOW!

Later…

The other night I got to thinking about her. The piece of shit down in Arizona that ruined my life for years. And that of my husband.

For the longest time, I was afraid to even look in on her, not that I could stand to very often. The plan was to give it X amount of years and then have my final say about the email from the bogus cop. But then when I looked her up on Facebook I was surprised to find she’s not around anymore. I’m pretty sure I blocked her and left it that way. There’s always a chance that I unblocked her and forgot about it and then she turned around and blocked me, but I’m pretty sure I’ve had her blocked for the last 5 years.

As I said, I was afraid to even think of Googling her, but the day the law tries to screw me for looking up a person’s name is the day I really will be a seriously rich lady.

I also didn’t think she would block me because that’s not what vindictive people like her do. She would want me to contact her so she can hope to screw me again.

I did find an account of hers on Google+. To help her “case” from 2011 since the pigs supposedly subpoenaed my account info there? Either way, I can’t swear that it’s her because it was a shitty picture. This is the first picture I’ve seen of her without glasses if it was her, and she’s just as ugly as I remember her to be. She also looked drunk as hell.

If I was going to contact her I would want to do it in a way where I could get some kind of verification that she received the message and I don’t see how I could at this time. Not only that, but I realize she’s no longer worth getting the last word. This doesn’t mean I could ever forgive her or the others involved in screwing me, and this doesn’t mean I wouldn’t beat the shit out of her if she suddenly appeared at my door telling me to shut up as she did once upon a time. I’m just saying she isn’t worth the message, especially one she would never get anyway. Nothing anyone could say to her would get her to see herself for the true piece of shit she is, and it shouldn’t be my problem or my responsibility to hopelessly try to drive it through her sick head.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 26, 2016 If just the thought of running into my big sis’s arms tears me up, I can just imagine how emotional I’ll be when I actually get to do so in 9 days! jumps for joy Just 3 days till we trade Cali for the Caribbean, woohoo!

Surprised the excitement hasn’t been messing with my sleep, but it might the night before. It’ll be worth it, though. I’m flipping my schedule, which means right now I’m on half nights, half days.

Can’t wait to pack the rest of our stuff and go! Tom may add one more bag of clothes. Oh yeah, I forgot that we’re going to do laundry the night before, as we’ll want to take some things that are currently in the hamper. I’ll run the dishes then too, and just wash the few we may use by hand at the very last minute. We’ll be served breakfast on the plane, but I expect to be up hours before departure. Just the thought of going to the airport excites me. skips happily I love flying, and when you were 99% sure you were going to die of a heart attack 1.5 years ago, it makes it all the more special. I survived! And I will continue to do so no matter how much shit random fate (or an evil God) may toss my way. I just fling it right back. :)

The results of my cortisol lab tests came in and I was normal on two tests and on the low end of normal on the other two, which is good but at least does indicate something’s up hormone-wise. As in the perimenopause I wish my original team of doctors had been smart enough to recognize. As Tom said, I think that having been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, distracted them from focusing on that, thinking that my symptoms were all related to that. But my second Endo was smart enough to recognize that not everything is caused by the thyroid.

Going on levothyroxine definitely accelerated the peri, though, which to date remains my worst physical/emotional life experience. LOL, I never thought it’d be so intense. Just like I once thought thyroids were only responsible for weight, I thought menopause was just about hot flashes where you were dripping with sweat. I don’t usually drip sweat unless I am very active in a humid place. I had no idea, though, that there is actually a huge array of peri symptoms.

Sometimes it takes a second set of doctors and therapists to find real answers and relief for our symptoms. Not that my first PCP and therapist were “bad.” They just weren’t as knowledgeable and as helpful as my current ones. The only shitty doc was my first Endo.

The evil “butterflies” are minimal tonight, but I did have some last night. Last night wasn’t quite as bad as the night before, though. I’m still doing the emotional tapping exercises religiously, and have found that yogurt is as calming as tryptophan-rich foods.

Started the book Tweedledee and Tweedledum by Willow Rose. I like most of her books.

No more guilt. No more slacking off. I did a half-hour on the treadmill and then another half on the Bowflex. I had been a little lazy the last couple of days.

We tested the surveillance cameras. Their motion sensor so it’s not like they’re going to be filming all the time. One will be aimed at the front, the other aimed at the back, and one will look at the interior. You can watch almost the entire house from where we’re going to put it. I still think everything will be fine, but if the place does get hit, at least we have insurance. Meanwhile, our most valuable/important possessions will be with us… Our top devices, the wedding rings on our fingers, and our medications.

The only dreams I remember are just quick little flashes, as usual, of strange and senseless things. My butt was parked on a toilet I realized was the standard 14” in one, and then in another, I watched running water from some kind of flood (rainstorms?) sweep underneath a manufactured house with no skirting.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 24, 2016 Really, REALLY getting sick of Aly’s constant demands and expectations. The way she (although not intentionally) makes me feel guilty is rather insulting. She’s gonna lose me or make me wish she’d just dump me if she can’t remember that I can’t be everywhere at once. It isn’t that I don’t care. It isn’t that I’ve forgotten she’s in a shitty way. But I can’t be available 24fucking7! A little less selfishness and a little more consideration would be appreciated. :)

We all have tough times and it’s only natural to reach out to those we care about. But we still have to keep in mind that people need to live their own lives, too. Sometimes they need to sleep. Sometimes they need to do things, and well, I’m really getting sick and tired of having to remind her of this and if they don’t want to lose me, they should back off a bit and cut me some slack. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing either.

If I could make copies of myself, I would do so in a heartbeat! That way everyone I care about could have me around whenever they wanted/needed me. But I’m not a machine and I feel insulted when she makes it like I haven’t been there for her when I have. Every. Single. Day. It may not be in text form as she prefers but in some form or another.

As I told her, if I’m asleep or out running errands when you’re feeling down and out, please don’t assume it’s cuz I don’t give a shit, okay? :) That’s all I’m asking. Eventually, I’m going to get sick of feeling like I have to explain myself and I’m going to get sick of having to remind people that I can’t spend every waking moment socializing.

God, how’s she going to survive my vacation?!

Getting so excited as it gets down to just 4 days to go! I can already hear the plane’s engines revving and roaring in my head! Can’t wait!

Tom picked up some space bags that are really awesome and we might not need that third suitcase after all. Love how you don’t need a vacuum for them. You just stuff the clothes in, push the air out, and that’s it. They look like giant Ziploc bags and have 1-way valves. Great way to keep clean clothes separate from dirty ones, and to keep clean ones organized. I’ve got dresses in one bag, tops in another, and shorts and swimsuits in another. Socks, bras and undies can go in a side pocket. Tom’s clothes only required 1 bag instead of 3. LOL, typical male, huh?

Decided not to take the 3 pants/shirt sets I was going to take. The trip is 10 days and I have 15 days’ worth of clothes without them.

Woke up to a message from Tammy asking me to call her. She wanted to verify if we made hotel reservations and said that since we had to go by her place on the way there anyway, she wanted us to stop by because it would kill her to know we were so close yet hadn’t seen each other yet, LOL. I assured her we would stop by. We’re both super excited!

Won’t be meeting Mark until Sunday, however, because every year he meets his brother at a men’s retreat and this was planned long before we knew we were coming. So we’ll visit the 4th – 7th. On the 8th, I’ll be dragging my then no doubt exhausted ass out of bed right before check-out to jump on the plane home.

Again, I’m going to try to document at least quick little highlights of the journey as it unfolds, but may not get a chance to provide details. Then again, I may not get online at all. No guarantees.

Anxiety was a little more noticeable than it has been a while last night, but nothing catastrophic. It’s stable so far today. No doubt it’s tied into menopause. No doubt at all. Just wish I’d caught on sooner and that the Sutter “experts” had, too. Meanwhile, I’ve got my coping tools if it does pick up. Part of the trip excitement is probably fueling it, if not knowing I’ll be alone in the morning.

LMAO at the snow dumped all over New England. Not the accidents and the power outages, of course, but everything else. Poor little Andy.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 23, 2016 Had a dream that a serial killer was on the loose and I threatened to find them and kick the crap out of them, eyeing what was first a young, tall slender black woman. Then there was a group of guys that I guess were suspects, and I thought of a quick test that would exclude or convict the killer. Not sure what that was, though.

Forgot to mention yesterday that I won a cute 18” vinyl doll. If you Google Springfield Dolls, you’ll see them. I’m just not sure if I’m getting a set or only one doll. The picture showed 4 dolls, but it said there were to be 5 winners, and listed 5 doll names. I’m guessing, since the prize has an ARV of $22, that it’s just one doll.

Looks like we’re going to have to grab another suitcase before we go. If it were a 5-day trip instead of a 10-day trip, these two would be fine. It was fine for the week we spent in Maui two years ago, but when two people need to pack twice as many clothes and leave room for the stuff they buy along the way, additional space is needed.

Friday morning can’t come fast enough! This next week is going to go by sooo slowly. On the bright side, I’m eating anything I want for the next 15 days, but will still keep in shape for the trip. I’ll do a mix of the Bowflex and treadmill tonight. When I come back I’ll still be too old and too thyroid-cursed to lose weight, but I’ll definitely have no problem staying the same weight with sensible eating and working out.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 22, 2016 Had a dream I killed some woman in her house. As I was leaving it, hoping to escape unseen, some woman pulled up in her car, got out, and asked, “Is she home?”

I shook my head and ran into the house across the street.

Fitbit logged Tom’s tree trimming as a sport, haha. He got 10K steps for the first time today. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. When you work at home you don’t always quite make it, even if you treadmill. Other than bustling about the house in preparation for the trip and doing laundry, I may skip exercising today. 5-6 days a week is enough.

Thanks for all the nice trip comments on my last entry. :) I will definitely not only write all about it but will create photo albums on Facebook and maybe even Photobucket in which I will provide links rather than embed each and every pic in my entries.

So far I have packed way more than I should need:

4 sleeveless tops

4 short sleeve tops

3 shirt/pant sets (all are long pants, but summery, with short sleeves)

6 dresses

3 pairs of shorts

1 cover-up for the pool

2 swimsuits

1 slip

1 light jacket (it gets nippy on the ship balcony at night)

2 pairs of flip-flops, 1 pair of wedge sandals with heels, purple glitter flats, aquatic shoes, and the sneakers I’ll be flying to and from airports in.

We’ll layover in Houston. Imagine if Molly knew just how close I’ll be. LMAO!

I basically have an unlimited supply of panties but only 8 bras. If we don’t do laundry on the ship, we’ll do it at Tammy’s, who we will be seeing on the 4th or 5th. Still not sure exactly which day, but I can’t wait!

Not taking any sleepwear since I prefer to sleep in just boy shorts. I can always jump up and throw a robe on (which will be provided for us) if someone comes to the door. Or better yet, just put the “do not disturb” sign out.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 21, 2016 It’s a good thing I woke up early because the Fitbit alarm I set never went off today. It did yesterday, though. Also, I couldn’t sync my phone to their website and had to reboot my phone. So with one successful alarm and one failure, I can’t say if it’s going to be reliable or not. I hope so because it’s really cool to be able to set alarms online and have it “vibe” me awake.

Yesterday Tom trimmed the bushes with large pruning sheers that almost look like giant metal cutters, and Bob came out to say hello. After a few minutes, he left saying, “Sometimes I’m just looking for things to do.”

LOL, yeah, I know. I hear it enough of the time. He’s Jesse minus the mutts and motorcycle. What the guy needs is a computer. :) Nonetheless, Tom told him he’s welcome to trim anything he wants, anytime. It shouldn’t wake me up when I’m sleeping even though these particular bushes are outside the bedroom window.

Got a bunch of stuff we ordered for the trip and wow! These new Nikon cameras are WAY better than my pink slower, ancient camera with fewer dots that we got in something like 2007. It was a nice camera while it lasted, but it’s nice to have better ones, and it’s great that we each got one (not the same exact kind) for if we’re off on our own somewhere and want to take pics. Mine will load pics to my computer wirelessly. :)

Eventually, I’ll strap one to my chest or something and film the house, me riding my bike around the park, and maybe even using the Bowflex.

Saw Stacey, and because I’m doing so much better she asked if I’d prefer to see her on an as-needed basis, or if I’d feel more comfortable knowing I had an appointment down the road. I chose to just call if I need her.

She was amazed at how much better I’m doing and said she’d let me know if she ever needed a testimonial, LOL. She’s a sweet lady, but I hope to never see her again in my life. Sadly, though, I can’t believe the anxiety is gone forever. Like I said before, perimenopause takes years. The question is if I’m now tough enough to cope on my own with the skills she taught me.

She’s a little older than me and said she doesn’t have as much anxiety as she used to. Just an occasional hot flash. If I never again go through anxiety half as bad that’ll be major progress! Every so often I feel like I’m creeping toward the edge so I grab a few bites of chicken and do the tricks she taught me.

I asked her if she ever checked out my blog and she said, “No, sorry.” I think what she really means is, “No, I’m not interested and never will be.” I just told her she wasn’t missing much.

After a half-hour with Stacey, we stopped at the Carl’s Jr. by our place and waited too long for my soggy, slippery, messy beer-battered cod burger, which I’ll never get again. There was way too much tartar sauce and lettuce with it. I’ll stick to burgers and fries, though we rarely do fast food anyway but maybe just once a month or so.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2016 I’m now 23% through the book Killing Me Softly by Bianca Sloane. I like it better than the last book that I finished last night.

Tom should be leaving work soon and then I guess we’ll either go out walking or bike riding for the first time in several weeks since it’s sunny and not too chilly out. It’s in the 60s. It’s supposed to be that way tomorrow too, when I see Stacey. I accidentally said I was seeing her today, but it’s actually tomorrow that we meet.

I’m so glad I haven’t had any anxiety – no racing hearts, no scary butterflies – since I saw her a couple of weeks ago, but I’m not ready to feel confident that it will never come back. All I can say is that I enjoy it immensely when I don’t have it.

Today’s Lisa’s 33rd birthday. Although there’s been no mention of it, I really hope she’s not at my sister’s place. I have no desire to deal with her after her rudeness in 2010. It wasn’t that what she did was oh so unforgivable; it was how loudly she smacked of Molly. Everything about what she did and how she went about it screamed of bipolar Molly, and I know she’s been diagnosed as bipolar in the past. I can’t deal with people like that. Melinda in jail was that way, too. Nice to you one minute, pissed off at you the next for nothing at all, and overly hyper the whole time. I can’t (and won’t) deal with that shit. Not saying she’s still that way, but I don’t want to just meet with her. I want to have a little heart-to-heart first and make it crystal clear that I won’t tolerate such rudeness and emotional drama. Instead of automatically accusing me of something she thinks she hears as Mary did, she needs to ask me first or stay out of my life.

My dreams have been so weird, vague and depressing that I haven’t shared them publicly lately. In one dream some woman was showing me a waterfall somewhere, and then her extremely white-faced daughter passed by and recognition clicked in a way that said they hadn’t seen each other in a long time but knew who they were. I could see the resemblance in the daughter’s face and knew the woman showing me the waterfall was her mother.

In another dream, I was either attacked or bullied while possibly at a pizza parlor. I don’t know who the attackers were, but they seemed young. There were a few of them, and I don’t know what they did to me. I just knew it would be pointless to report them for God had their backs all the way… just like always.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 19, 2016 Wrote down the dates that we’ll be gone on a Post-it for next door and walked it over. Both of them were home. Bob said it’d be no problem yanking in the trash bin for us since we’ll be leaving right after we put it out.

We’ll be testing the surveillance cameras this weekend, as they know, and assured me they’d call 911 if they saw anything suspicious. Again, we’re not expecting any trouble. People have come and gone on vacation in this park for decades without incident, even the houses at the park’s edges, particularly the ones that back up against wooded areas. Well, we’re not on the edge, and we’re in a high-traffic area with busy roads and houses all around us.

At one point I made the comment about wishing I’d caught whoever took my bike (I still think it was a worker or a visitor) and Virginia was all surprised like she was learning about it for the first time. At first I thought to myself, “Oops!”

So I told them where we were going when she asked, and then when Bob followed me outside I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t keep my big mouth shut if you didn’t want her to know about the bike,” and he assured me he did tell her and that it was just in one ear and out the other. Then when I thought about the last few times I talked to Virginia, it all made sense. She’s going Dureen. Poor Bob. Bob is very sharp-minded despite being 86 and a few years older than his wife, so it must be hard for him to deal with. Poor Virginia too, though she’s probably not aware that she’s losing it. It makes sense, though. One time she didn’t seem to recognize me right away, and well, everything is a little too funny.

“The lady on this side of us is cruising now, haha, and I didn’t know your bike was stolen. One should be able to just leave things right smack out front of their place if they want to, haha.”

So Bob led me in back and my first thought was that he was going to show me a section where the retaining wall busted with all the rain, but instead he showed me how a couple of our bushes, one being a camellia, was dangling over the wall and dropping blossoms and twigs onto his trash and recycle bins, and asked if he could trim them back.

I felt so bad as I had no idea it had sprung over the wall so quickly, but he understands how busy we are. I offered to pay him, but he said he didn’t mind trimming them at all and has his bins right there anyway. Unless Tom beats him to it tomorrow after work since it’ll be clearer then. Since he won’t be working as much OT, he expects to have more time to keep up on the landscaping.

There are WAY too many trees and plants for this lot! I’m guessing the lot size is something like 70’ long by 40’ wide yet we have a HUGE variety of shit on it. I guess the previous owners had nothing better to do but keep planting and planting away till they ran out of space. We’ve got an organ pipe cactus, aloe vera, Yuccas, that grassy-looking thing that’s sort of roundish, rosebushes, Cypress trees, a birch tree, African daisies, camellias, azaleas, and tons of other shit I can’t even name. I’m surprised there are no palms. If it were up to me, though, we’d just have a couple of palms and nothing but nice bright white gravel.

Will definitely get them a little something on our travels as a way of thanking them. I almost feel bad about being so annoyed by his saws and hammers, LOL. Going to take the addresses of some folks too, in case I send postcards, but the problem isn’t finding postcards so much as it is finding stamps. I wish they’d make more pre-stamped postcards, but just in case, I will be armed with addresses. :)

Outside he said, “You lost a lot of weight.”

Wow, really? The scale only says I’ve lost a few pounds, but I guess I definitely do “look” like I have as the bodybuilding re-sculpts my body that still has a long way to go yet probably will never get there. Yeah, Fitbit is already losing its excitement for me. Sort of, anyway. I realize I’m just as hungry increasing my workouts as I am decreasing my calories. Working out an hour or more a day makes me hungry as hell, but I like how I can eat all I want and get away with it.

Had a strange dream where Norma and Sharyn were showing me something they found that my mother had created when I was around 10 years old. It appeared to be a piece of celery in a wooden box with a glass cover. Inside of it, just above the celery, she’d written: Jodi’s kitchen diet.

I suddenly took off crying, feeling insulted by it, knowing it was a “creative” and “artistic” taunt about the extra weight I’d sometimes carry as a child. A part of me hoped one of them would come after me to comfort me, but they never did.

MONDAY, JANUARY 18, 2016 Didn’t like the book Windwood Farm, so I’m now reading The Broken Saint by Mike Markel and it’s okay. It’s a murder mystery. I’m at 48%.

Today’s nice and sunny for a change and we even made it into the 60s. Still too chilly for me, but you would think spring has sprung just by the bugs that are already starting to show up. It’s supposed to rain again tomorrow, but fortunately, it’ll be nice Thursday when I see Stacey. Just a little cloudy.

I have to cut my workouts down to about 20-30 minutes a day because any more than that is making me too hungry and causing me to sleep too long. It’s not like the extra activity makes me lose weight anyway. All it does this allow me to eat more and get away with it. This is why I probably won’t gain any weight on vacation.

Tomorrow night I will dye my hair and shave my legs. Wednesday I will request a lorazepam refill from Dr. A, and give our vacation dates to next door.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 17, 2016 It’s been a very busy, but fun and active day. Can’t believe I got 1.5 hours of exercise, but I did. A half-hour on the Bowflex, a half-hour on the treadmill while I watched my show, then over 20 minutes breaking in my new sneakers. This doesn’t count walking through parking lots and stores either.

We only went to one store, actually. Just Payless. I got a pair of black women’s shoes in 5.5 that can be worn with both casual and dressy clothing. I like how the strap crosses the top of the foot at an angle. I swear Dr. A had an identical pair on the first time I saw her.

I also got a pair of girls’ sneakers in bright neon yellow with hot pink laces and accents. Now I have a little variety for running shoes as I still love my black ones with Velcro ties and hot pink soles.

The main reason we went there was to see if they had water shoes. We were going to go to a sporting store afterward but decided to order some from Amazon instead. We had to get a lot of stuff for the trip anyway. He got a couple of polo shirts and cargo shorts. Got a couple of cameras, too. One’s faster and has more pixels than the one we’ve been using for several years now, and the other is a cheap camera you can wear around your neck to film what you’re doing.

We got a case for the camera, a box of batteries, and protectors for both the laptop and Paperwhite. Got a memory card and a pouch to keep our phones and other devices safe and dry, a purple sleep mask with earplugs, and a goat. No, not a real goat, of course, but another figurine for my collection.

We want to wait till next week to tell next door we’re leaving, thus giving them less time to possibly mention that this house will be empty to the wrong person(s), however innocently it may be. We’re going to use our old phones to watch the front and back of the place. I’m still 99% sure the house will be fine, but after having my bike stolen, I’m reminded that anything’s possible.

We registered for the cruise online so we don’t have to spend as much time checking in right before we get on the ship. We had to provide passport info, and then we looked at packages, services and excursions.

Really wanted to rent a 2-seat speedboat for the day and go snorkeling and hanging on the beach, but he’s over the weight limit for the boat. We’re still not sure what we’re going to do for excursions and didn’t want to book them this far in advance. They sure do have a lot of dolphin swims down there. A dolphin swim would be okay, but we’re still more interested in snorkeling and maybe even scuba diving. In some cases, you have to be certified, but in others, they guide you through it.

Don’t know how well it will work or how often we’ll have a chance to use it, but for just over $100, we will have Internet access. As Tom said, it’ll be worth it just to load our pics to the cloud. I will try to keep my journal as up-to-date as possible, but there may be delays in posting entries. We’ll just have to wait and see. I might not check into social sites at all, though I think I can manage a few check-ins here and there. I just don’t want to do what we can do right here at home in our everyday lives unless it’s late at night and I can’t sleep or something.

I know I’ll want a manicure and a pedicure, but some of their massages sound a little disturbing, maybe even brutal, LOL. A deep tissue massage? And bamboo sticks and hot stones? Well, words may never hurt me, but aren’t sticks and stones supposed to still break our bones?

We’re also getting a soda package for $9 a day, but I passed on coffee and tea for a ridiculous $30 a day. I’m not big on tea, and I only have 1 cup of coffee a day.

We printed our luggage tags and prepared my spit to be sent to Oregon, LOL. That’s for the adrenaline test. They should get it on Wednesday.

As much as I know we need it, I’m getting sick of all this rain! I can just imagine all the mold growing in the walls of Jesse’s trailer by now, haha. I can’t wait to escape this cold, wet, dismal place!

Again my dreams were too vague to really make sense of. Something about me observing someone inquiring about a death certificate on me, and then me being in an elevator. I guess we were moving or something. Then Tom killed a big spider for me in an old creepy-looking place with dark walls.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 16, 2016 Just took a walk around the park with Tom. We took over 5K steps in 43 minutes. Only he burned 450 calories and I burned 240. No fair! That’s 10 per minute for him and only 6 for me. His maximum HR reached 115 and mine was 136, but only for a second. It mostly peaked at 125.

I love how I can set the phone on the treadmill and watch it count my steps as I run.

On the way back we passed Evie who was in her driveway and I introduced her to Tom. So that’s who lives in the long house on the corner of Astronaut and Tandy, huh? Bob and Virginia were heading up Oak Lakes too, and we waved to each other.

I’m doing that adrenaline test today and OMG, it’s not easy to spit half these tubes full! Thank God only half a tube is needed. It takes time to do. It took me 10 minutes to spit half of the large tube full. The other 3 are smaller. I feel like it’ll be $140 wasted, but at least that will be one more thing I can rule out if it comes back negative. We’ll mail it off tomorrow or Monday.

I hate not being able to wear lip balm/gloss. My lips are so damn dry. Can’t eat a couple of hours before each spitfest either. I did the 8am and noon tests, so at 4pm and 8pm, I’ll do the last two.

Finished listening to Eleven, Twelve… Dig and Delve by Willow Rose and now I’m reading/listening to Windwood Farm by Rebecca Patrick-Howard.

Later…

Aly continues to drive me crazy with her constant clinginess and cries for texting matches. I don’t know why tweets and emails aren’t just as good, but either way, I can’t be there any more than I already am. I can’t spend every waking moment texting with her unless she’s busy, sick or asleep, and I can’t make her problems go away, though I’m glad she’s giving Lexapro a try for her depression. That depression, so I’ve learned, could very well be one of the many symptoms she’s experiencing due to the blood cancer she’s got.

My heart totally breaks for her and I can understand how terrified, depressed and hopeless she must feel right now. She’s on the verge of the final stage of Chronic Myeloid Leukemia, which is rare. She may be allergic to the chemo pill she’s taking and may need a stem cell replacement, which isn’t covered by her insurance and is very expensive. She believes her odds aren’t good. But is that her emotions making her feel that way? Or are the odds truly against her? It’s hard to believe she could be dying, but people do still die of leukemia despite the advances in medicine.

Crazy Kim popped into mind as I was thinking how I might deactivate my Twitter account and create a new one if God forbid she did die as it would be sad not to use that account to check in with each other. I wondered if Kim was still obsessed with me, even though she’s been too afraid to contact me (maybe partly because her sister babysits her online activity?). Then I got curious enough to check her accounts from Tom’s accounts, realizing that’s how I would know for sure if she was following my activity since she’d block the account if she was. Sure enough, when I checked two of her many accounts, I found she had indeed blocked it.

I asked Aly if she mentioned me creating an account in his name to sweep from (which I deactivated, realizing I can just use my own), and told her that if she casually said something like, “Jodi’s going to Mexico,” that’s fine. But I don’t want any online activity or personal info given out. She swears she hasn’t said anything and this I do believe. So it proves that 6 years after dumping the loon she’s still acting like the victim she never was, and still assuming I care enough to read her tweets or contact her. I can’t stress it enough when I say I still want absolutely nothing to do with her and never will. She’s just too crazy, and I thought Andy was repetitive! She could have a million accounts easily accessible and I would never follow them or contact her. Yet she falsely flatters herself with her paranoid delusions and assumes that’s exactly what I’m going to do, thus risking my accounts. I would think that after so many blocks it could jeopardize one’s account.

She’s still paying attention to Aly’s followers and who she follows, no doubt, and is probably reading their tweets to each other as well. Aly doubts she reads my journal because she doesn’t read her stuff.

But she’s not obsessed with Aly either. Because they’re friends, of course she wouldn’t be interested. She’d only be interested in someone who’s dumped her and that she’s stalked and that she thinks may mention her. This will be kept private, of course. I’m not going to give the bitch the negative attention she craves. Again, I don’t fight with, spite or try to change and reason with people I dislike or don’t get along with. I simply avoid them.

Some people really never do change, though. She still has the wrong idea about me and obviously takes note of way more than I would’ve thought after all these years. To still be playing vicky vic after this long and paying attention to things that don’t concern her and that she shouldn’t be interested in is a bit disturbing. But in the end, it’s her problem and not mine.

I also thought of Molly. Molly, who wished Aly death when she was in her worst of stalking us both and Aly was dealing with breast cancer. Really hope the sick bitch doesn’t get her wish in the end, but between modern medicine and a lack of negative dreams pertaining to her (although I did have a dream she died a few years ago), I don’t think she will.

Decided to send Maliheh a message for 2016 and this is the first time I didn’t see her show up on my tracker afterward. I played the usual game of that she contacted me on Facebook and I couldn’t reply cuz the account disappeared, etc.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 15, 2016 So Andy checked in on Ask. I could tell by the way he removed his cover photo. Figured he would at some point. Now he can see just how awful the new layout is. Just for kicks I reactivated, deleted all 8K questions/answers, then allowed for anonymous commenting while blocking him. Just curious to see if he contacts me anonymously, not that I’ll respond if he does.

I wasn’t going to do an entry today, but got all excited when I learned of Alexa’s newest trick. I LOVE how she can now read our Kindle books to us! We can alternate between her and the device. It’s nice to be read to while I color.

I have been incredibly lazy today otherwise. I tended to my online job, did the laundry and made up the grocery list, but I skipped aerobics class and haven’t touched the Bowflex or the treadmill. Some days I just want a day off, you know? No counting calories. No watching cholesterol. No watching sodium. No nothing. Just good old-fashioned laziness is all I want every now and then. Guess we all need a break at times.

I may decide to move my butt a little more later on. Right now I’m as blah as the weather and worried for Aly. They’re doing a biopsy on her because they’re pretty sure she does have leukemia. Research shows, however, that she has an excellent chance of survival.

Not much else to say. I can’t even remember my dreams from last night.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2016 I’m sick of coughing like a smoker! It’s getting better, but both of us are STILL coughing up remnants of our flu. Gonna skip next year’s flu shot. Why get one just to have flu-like symptoms the next day and then actually get the damn flu for real?

Unlike the last two days, I’m a lot less hungry as chicken definitely curbs hunger much better than pasta does. I have to remember to have more protein but stay away from meats high in cholesterol. I read that women do get hungrier with age as they lose estrogen. It’s a good thing I prefer meat to pasta then.

I don’t always bother to log my food on Fitbit since I’m not only not going to lose weight, but some things are hard to measure accurately. If I grab a pinch of sunflower seeds to sprinkle on my yogurt, it’s hard to say exactly how many calories that is. I suppose I could put more effort into measuring calories, but I really don’t want to bother.

Fitbit is amazing and the clubhouse ladies are wowed by it, too. It knows when I’m walking vs. doing aerobics, something I still can’t get used to. Didn’t know I’d be in for a crash course in dancing yesterday, too. LOL, yeah, Janice is eager to make a dancer out of me (other than the VERY different and less intricate kind I used to do), and took me aside after exercise class to demonstrate the Electric Slide and the Texas Waltz.

Afterward, Shirley, Claire and a few others wanted me to join them for coffee, something they traditionally do on Wednesdays, but I declined, wanting to limit my caffeine to one cup a day and that’s when I first get up.

Just as I was going to leave, it started pouring again. I made the comment to Janice that I told my husband on Skype this would happen to me, and she offered to drive me home, which was very nice of her, though the cold rain wouldn’t have killed me because I bundled up in the ski jacket I used to wear up in Oregon.

She knows Bob and Virginia really well and I guess Virginia used to attend the workouts.

Sure enough, as soon as we left the clubhouse, the rain eased up, and as soon as I jumped out of her car and into the house, out popped the sun.

I was going to skip class today to give my muscles a break. Since working on the Bowflex Tom can really see a difference, especially in my abs and lower back. I’m growing muscles I forgot I had since we haven’t owned a Bowflex in over a decade. I forget just how much pain bodybuilders go through, though it’s in a good way. I’ve probably gained 2-3 pounds in muscle. Decided not to skip, though, as I thought I felt those “butterflies” start to kick up and that it’d do me good to get out.

As I explained to Tammy, Stacey’s help along with the Lexapro resetting my brain’s serotonin to stop sending false signals telling me to be scared of absolutely nothing at all isn’t 100% foolproof. I still have Hashimoto’s and I’m still perimenopausing which means the anxiety is going to come and go.

Today we worked out to a video which got a little tricky for me at times. Again, I’m not used to aerobics.

Then Evie asked for my number and gave me hers, saying that they sometimes cancel class and all that. Yeah, but I’ll be hit or miss anyway, as I told her. They know we’re going on vacation in a couple of weeks, too. She said they also do prayer and of course there’s the line dancing they’ll never get me interested in. I prefer simple workouts. Not dancing. I’m athletic and muscular. Not skinny and graceful.

As for the prayer thing… I don’t know if there’s a God, but I know I don’t believe in prayer. If prayer couldn’t help those about to be killed by terrorists, why would it help little old me?

Okay, who’s talking? Amazon Echo? My phone? My laptop? My Tablet? My Fitbit? Somebody just said something somewhere. sighs Nothing like having so many devices you can’t keep track of what’s doing what!

We’re looking so forward to the trip. I can’t wait! We decided we don’t feel comfortable leaving the Caddy at the airport, so we’re probably going to go by Uber. We could ask next door, but that’d be a huge inconvenience for them that we don’t want to bother them with.

I’ve been up 7 hours and so far I’ve walked 7103 steps, traveled 2.75 miles, burned 938 calories, and my current heart rate is 86.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 13, 2016 Fitbit continues to be fun, but reality hasn’t changed. I’ll never lose weight. Not with the way I need 1500-2000 calories a day. 1200 every day for months in order to lose 20-30 pounds just won’t work for me. As it is I have been utterly famished the last two days for some reason. Probably due to my period, however wimpy it may be, and the increased activity. Hell, I woke up hungry as hell and I’m usually not ready to eat for a couple of hours after getting up. I’m trying to kill the hunger without stuffing myself silly.

The rain’s really coming down this morning and I might not go to the clubhouse for aerobics if it’s still going on at 7:30. Walking in the cold is one thing. Walking in the cold rain is another. I’ll hit the Bowflex either way.

Thanks to the 80-somethings I work out with, I’m learning the more intricate moves of aerobics as opposed to the simple and straightforward walking, running and strength training I’m used to doing. I learned what windmills, ice-skating and chorus lines are, LOL.

Janice and Claire were there, but this time Judy led the group and she did the best job, IMO. She didn’t blast the music too loud, and she called out the moves in a clear voice and went through them fluently without having to stop and struggle to remember them.

Joy went by again too, smiled and me, and made me wonder how she got so good-looking. She’s heavy and in need of a dye job, but she’s so tall and nice-looking for her age. She looks very American Indian.

Later…

Yesterday I got in over 11,000 steps but today I don’t think I’m going to even hit the recommended goal of 10,000. I just finished working out on the Bowflex and I thought I would hibernate in the bedroom and do a private entry via email to bitch about some things and express some thoughts.

First of all, the house for sale is pissing me off, as usual. It was quiet over there yesterday, but today they’re cleaning the carpet and that is not only insanely loud but it takes an hour or more, so that’s why I’m in the bedroom as it’s the furthest room from that house.

Aly still annoys me with her clinginess and constant need to text because she is lonely and depressed. Only texting will do. DMing each other on Twitter just isn’t the same.

I know it’s not always easy, but I wish she would do more to help herself. I’m not a professional trained to deal with depression. I wish she was busier and knew more people. She doesn’t have a single local friend, which is weird because she does drive and is younger, and has also been single for years. It makes me wonder why. The more I get to know her, I see that yes, she is intelligent, creative and perceptive, but she definitely has her share of emotional problems. I wonder if that’s why she’s friendless. The last guy she met was in and out of her life in a matter of days, and she said it was because he got fed up with her ways.

Anyway, neither of us has heard from Molly, and I admit it. Yes, I admit I sometimes miss the drama and tracking Molly as she tracks me. I definitely don’t miss the drama for the most part, however, and would not want to go through that again. I’m actually surprised that with the millions of people on the Internet, no new stalkers have latched onto me since. Presently, there is no way to contact me anonymously other than on LiveJournal since I’m no longer on Ask. But still, some people are too crazy to care and will even use their real names like Molly did. I just wonder when I’m going to have to deal with the next Molly, and if they’ll be even worse to deal with. Kim sure was worse in some ways, and Aly just told me her sister monitors everything she does. She and her mother are supposedly living with her karate sister who got divorced and is now engaged to a woman.

I can block someone easily enough if I get fed up enough. The problem is if they reach out to my friends and family and try to get them involved. That’s where the real problem is.

I got curious, checked and noticed that Maliheh unblocked me on Facebook yesterday. I would periodically look in on her from Tom’s account even though there’s never really anything to see. I wonder why she unblocked me, though. She had blocked me for commenting on a public comment of hers. I still can’t believe I was dumb and naive enough to believe for a minute that she actually cared about me and wanted to be my friend. I know that if she came crawling to me right now and begging to resume our so-called friendship I would just laugh. I wouldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t be able to be her friend again without doubting her true intentions. She’d only dump me again. As I learned in 1991, Maliheh’s a gamer. A real head player that gets off on doing what she does.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 12, 2016 So far I’ve eaten 509 calories and burned 540 and still have 1060 left to eat today. A day goes from midnight to midnight my time. That calorie amount will go up as I increase my activity. I seriously love Fitbit! It’s the most convenient and motivating tool I’ve used thus far. Fitbit makes it not only easier to log my food but to see how much I’ve burned as well as what I can still eat depending on what I do activity-wise.

I slept 7 hours and 38 minutes, and even though I slept better because I took a lorazepam before bed, I still woke twice and was restless 20 times. This time my heart spiked to 115 in my sleep. Better than 125 like the night before.

Today it thinks my resting heart rate is only 82, but that’s normal for most people. Mine usually averages 90.

Was lightly jogging on the treadmill during my show and it went to 123. In a half-hour, I’ll be making the very cold walk down to the clubhouse for aerobics, and Fitbit will consider that 1 “floor” since it’s downhill, then back uphill.

MONDAY, JANUARY 11, 2016 So now both the cruise AND the flights are booked! Heading out of Sac Int’l and will layover in Houston in just 18 days! So excited! So is Tammy, whom we spoke with yesterday. I don’t expect to have access to the Internet like we did in Hawaii since we’ll be at sea for much of the trip, though I will try to document things each day on my laptop. I may upload entries all at once after the trip or do it a little at a time. Don’t know yet. But even the little things like that are exciting to think of as well as the big things. :)

As Tammy said, it’s also a shame that it’s taken this long as well as exciting. Yeah, well, we know who we can put most of the blame on for that one, don’t we? But even so, it’s kind of pointless to lay blame at this point when what’s done is done. We can’t undo the last 25 years.

I’m SO excited for SO much! Seeing my family, flying first class, cruising, swimming, shopping and just enjoying the warmth after freezing my ass off here. It’s in the low 40s right now. My morning walks to the clubhouse for the exercise group are nearly excruciating. I can see my breath in the air and can’t get there fast enough.

The ship we’ll be on is 4 times bigger than Holland America’s Amsterdam that we were on 9 years ago. It holds over 4K people, including the crew. I hope we don’t get lost on it, but I would think most decks would be useless to us as they’d just be staterooms.

The ship has a wave pool, rock wall climbing, and much to my surprise… an ice skating rink. No thanks. I did enough of that growing up in New England.

You have to pay extra for it, but what I look most forward to on the ship (besides eating and swimming) is a massage and a mani-pedi at the spa. I’m going to spoil and pamper myself silly.

Like I said, so many things, big and small, I’m totally looking forward to! The only thing I wasn’t too thrilled to learn is that men must wear shirts with collars even in the casual dining area, and both men and women must wear long pants. Jeez, give us a break! We’re on vacation, and well, not all of us appreciate being told what to do. But unlike what I went through 16 years ago, I can live with this demand. If we want to eat in our robes, we can just get room service.

My Fitbit report shows I sleep as shitty as I knew I did. Not only that, but this was the first time we could actually “see” a hot flash that jacked my heart up from an average of 80 to a whopping 124. That’s when I got up and took the lorazepam I didn’t take before bed. I’m taking it before bed this time around for sure.

Had to take the thing off the last hour of my so-called sleep because it was too tight. It’s such a pain to put on too, cuz it’s wide and that makes it hard with my tiny little wrist.

While they’re still highly annoying, along with waking up a lot, they’re less scary now that I know what’s going on and am equipped with better coping tools (Stacey, the emotional tapping, the chicken with the calming tryptophan), but it’s a shame no one could tell me what it was a year and a half ago when this shit first started. Although the higher doses of levothyroxine fueled it, the docs were right… it’s not the meds that’s the problem, but the perimenopause. And not that I didn’t have a few anxious moments when I was clueless as I really thought this stuff didn’t start till a woman was closer to 55. So I was anxious about being anxious and not knowing why. I just knew that that degree of anxiety was uncharacteristic of me, awake or asleep, and that something physiological was amiss.

This period has been wimpy so far, but that’s subject to change. I can say one thing for sure and that’s that I didn’t gain as much weight as I usually do before periods. I usually gain 5-6 pounds but this time I only gained 3.

Hopefully, we’ll both be done coughing up globs of leftover shit from our flu before the trip. We’re getting better little by little.

And I’m back! Yes, I took a break after my last paragraph to see Tom off to work and to do a more rigorous cleaning job than usual of the second bathroom. My heart rate was between 105-113 while I cleaned and right now it’s down to 97. Still a little high. My resting heart rate is about 90, though I did get as low as 68 in my sleep. Yes, I’m the opposite of Tom. I have a high pulse.

We added each other on Fitbit (plus I added a couple of friends) and he accidentally “taunted” me. Funny too, since he’s only over 1K steps and I’m currently at 5K steps, 2 miles and burned nearly 800 calories. I did get up a few hours before he did, though.

I feel ever so slightly anxious, probably because he’s gone and it’s early in the day, but I don’t think I’ll need to take anything before bed. I sure hope not anyway. After I post this I will be walking down to the clubhouse for the morning aerobics. If I had a slow heart rate and hated to exercise, I hate to think of just what my weight might be like these days!

I’m trying lavender-scented toilet paper for the first time and I kind of like it. It’s different and I like trying new things.

After picking up his blood pressure medicine and my thyroid medicine at Walmart yesterday, we went treasure hunting at Goodwill where I found two cute dolls and a cute fake plant. They’re pink flowers and they did a good job of making it look like it was really planted in dirt. It’s not very big and can fit in most windowsills.

One doll is a 9” all-porcelain ballerina dressed in pink with blond hair and brown eyes. The other is a 15” blue-eyed strawberry blond in a blue-green floral dress with pink accents.

And back yet again! Guess who walked down in the cold to the clubhouse with 6 pounds of weights in tow all for nothing? Yeah, you guessed it. Had I been smart enough to check the schedule first I’d have known they don’t meet on Monday mornings.

Here we go with the daily racket at the house that’s for sale. I’d say they’ve already moved out. The guy that lived there just pulled up in front of the open garage door, which tells me there will no doubt be some noisy shit going on inside of it today, and who knows how many other vehicles coming and going. I dread what the new people are going to use that garage for other than to park their cars!

Oh, he just shut the door and headed down the circle, probably to visit someone here before he leaves.

Again with the stuck-in-jail dreams. Why do I keep having these things? I’d rather go back to being broke and in hotels.

In one dream I escaped from jail and went straight home even though I knew it’d be the first place they’d look for me. I just wanted to savor whatever moments of being home that I could before I was captured. Tom wasn’t there, though.

He was in the second dream. In that one, he came to visit and I asked if he was adapting to single life since he now lived alone. He said something like, “Yeah, but your stuff won’t be brand-new when you get out.”

I became very sad and was about to tell him that I was afraid I’d never get out when I woke up.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 10, 2016 We have booked a room toward the back of Deck 6 on Royal Caribbean’s Independence of the Seas for the 30th – 4th!!! It’s kind of a deluxe suite. A superior oceanview stateroom with a private balcony.

On the site, there was a diagram of the ship’s various decks with little blinking red dots indicating the rooms that were still available. I picked the one furthest from the elevators and that would get fewer people going by on the lowest deck available. Sam’s had tech issues, so we eventually booked through Cosco and got a better deal from them in the end anyway. So it ended up saving us a little bit of money. Was surprised to find it’s more expensive the higher up you go. I don’t know why most people would rather be on higher decks. I like being lower so I’m closer to the water’s surface.

The plan is to fly from Sacramento to Fort Lauderdale on the 29th.

The ship embarks at 4:30 pm on the 30th and we will spend the 31st at sea.

We dock in Cozumel at 8am on the 1st and set sail again at 5pm.

We arrive at 7am in Costa Maya the next day and leave at 4pm.

We spend the 3rd cruising and return to Fort Lauderdale on the 4th at 7am.

On the 8th we return home.

We will then rent a car and drive up to Tammy’s where we’ll check into a nearby hotel. We’ll probably call her later on today to discuss the details.

We opted for My Time dining as we don’t care to dress up for a formal fancy dinner at a set time with the captain. We prefer the food courts that have a variety of cuisines as well as room service.

As for excursions. Besides the obvious… shopping and swimming, I’m not sure I want to swim with dolphins or see the ancient ruins. A dolphin swim would be okay, but I’d much rather go helmet diving. That’s where you wear a helmet that provides air and that sits on your shoulders. You go down 20’ and a tube extends up to the surface. You have scuba divers with you at all times, of course.

As for the ruins… I could see pictures online of that sort of thing. I know there are underwater pics as well, but that’s not quite the same to me. Tom was really impressed with the pyramids in Mexico which he saw long before we met. He said it was really neat how they carved each individual stone over centuries to fit together, and he stood on the platform on which many were sacrificed all in the name of twisted beliefs. Oh, the crazy acts and delusions of those into religion and the whole God fantasy thing. Ah, if only believing something could make it real, huh? LOL Oh well, to each their own when they’re not actually killing people.

We don’t yet have the flights booked or the details mapped out precisely, but we don’t want to book excursions too far in advance anyway in case we don’t feel up to doing a particular thing on that day.

Glad my 4-day late period is starting now to get some of this water off me, but I was really hoping it’d wait another week so I wouldn’t be PMSing or on it during the trip. Figures, though. I was on it during our last cruise, too.

Our Fitbits arrived, but tangerine? Mine looks red to me. Makes me wonder what the plum I almost got would have looked like, but red is fine.

In last night’s dreams, I was stepping into the street and saw tons of giant snakes all over the place. Some weighed hundreds of pounds.

Then I was living with someone who wanted to add another roommate. I expressed my doubts at first, knowing how many dishonest people there are out there, but the woman was very confident that she could find someone trustworthy and that people were still basically good.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 9, 2016 Did my daily emotional tapping, got my chicken fix, took a shower, and brushed out my hair which is now almost long enough to pull to the sides when brushing.

Strength training yesterday at the clubhouse was fun, though a bit more challenging than I expected. Though I may be stronger, most of the ladies are a lot lighter and frailer than me, which can make some exercises easier if you don’t have as much body weight to haul. Same people were there except for one I haven’t met before… Charlotte.

They have decided that with “young blood” around, they don’t have to worry about struggling to get up from their mats/steps, cuz I helped pull some of them up, LOL. They were all in their 80s.

The only thing they do that’s annoying is they blast the shit out of 50’s music. Even some of them get annoyed and get up to turn the boom box down.

Claire led the group this time, though she obviously has serious memory problems because she kept stopping and struggling to remember what was next.

Joy walked by at one point and even though she looked right at me and smiled, I wonder if she even remembers who I am since I last saw her at the pool two years ago.

A couple of guys played pool and one used the treadmill.

Anyway, yesterday was a very busy and physical day and today will be somewhat busy but more relaxing. We’re going to shop for new shorts for the trip, plus Tom needs new work jeans.

Tomorrow I’ll do that adrenaline test and we may go treasure hunting at Goodwill.

My vision seems noticeably worse tonight and I don’t know why. Even the larger print on the screen is blurry. The best thing is that I still haven’t had any anxiety since the 6th. I just wish I’d sleep better! Didn’t take anything before bed, and sure enough, I woke up constantly. After a few hours of that, I got up, peed, took a lorazepam, and slept more solidly. I hate how the disrupted sleep is causing me to need to sleep closer to 10 hours instead of 8, but it’s better than being anxious/fearful.

I was just thinking earlier about how the anxiety backed off tremendously after stopping the Lexapro. Well, it did the same thing after stopping the Prozac last year. It’s almost as if the SSRIs reset and normalized my moods or something, not that Stacey, the chicken, the emotional tapping, and other things haven’t helped as well.

I was also thinking about those two dreams where I was told I’d always need crutches to walk yet I walked on my own. Having a history of dream premonitions, I wonder if that’s a sign saying that yes, I’ve overcome this anxiety. I’m not going to dare tell myself it’s gone forever, though, as A, that’s what I thought several times before, and B, perimenopause doesn’t just disappear overnight. I still can’t even sleep.

During one of those times I was asleep, I dreamed I didn’t know Tom and was living in the 4th-floor apartment I lived in 25 years ago in MA.

I took a nap one afternoon and awoke to a loud crashing sound. I bolted out of bed and into the living room, which didn’t “look” right. Certain there was an intruder in the apartment, I ran through the living room, down the narrow hall to the front door, and out into the outer hallway. I peered over the stairwell and saw someone slowly coming up the stairs.

“Please be coming up to this floor!” I urged myself. I was quickly relieved to see that they were and that it was a guy, figuring a woman would be less likely to want to check my place out with me.

“Hi, my name is Jodi,” I said to the guy, stocky, in his 40s, and carrying a package.

“Good for you, Jodi,” he said and began to enter the apartment across the hall as I explained what happened. At first I thought he wasn’t going to help me, and was surprised to find a small club of some kind behind the door instead of an apartment.

But he put the package down and followed me to my apartment, as bored as he seemed. A woman soon appeared beside us as we inspected the living room, me peeking in the closet. The guy then discovered that the living room’s fluorescent bulb had fallen to the floor.

I said, “Wow, I don’t know how I missed that.”

As he screwed it back in, I picked up a clump of something and asked, “Does this look like wood or pine needles?”

They said it looked like wood, and that somehow convinced me, along with the fallen bulb, that no intruder was present after all.

The other dream I remember was very depressing. Something or someone forced Tom and I to live apart. We would not be able to see each other and he would not be able to help support me, though I don’t know for how long this was to go on.

He told me he knew I would want to kill myself, and I did. I felt totally trapped. I didn’t want to kill myself because he was still alive, but I didn’t see how I could survive either and I knew the limited money I had would eventually run out.

I was extremely depressed, had to do my writing by hand, and slept in a parking garage for the first night. When I awoke I gathered what meager belongings I had surrounding me and took off somewhere.

At one point Andy visited me with a female friend. I said, “I’d go back east with you but there’s no way I could afford my share of the rent.”

FRIDAY, JANUARY 8, 2016 Nothing serious anxiety-wise since those freeway butterflies. :) Slept longer without my heart racing me awake, but still woke up a lot. The sleep itself was more solid, though.

What was really strange was that I had TWO dreams that an accident paralyzed me. I was told I’d never be able to walk without crutches, but in both dreams, I eventually tossed the crutches aside and started walking on my own. I expected Tom to be amazed and impressed, but he just stood there stony-faced.

Since I plan on meeting my clubhouse buds for strength training this morning. I’ll only do just 10-15 minutes on the treadmill.

We both ordered a Fitbit that monitors, sleep, heart rate and how active we are. He got a black one in extra large and I got a tangerine one in small.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 7, 2016 In yesterday’s therapy session, I got a dose of Chinese medicine which is known as emotional tapping. It can be used for anxiety as well as other things.

I was calm for several hours before the appointment, but a few hours before leaving I noticed the “butterflies,” as I call them, begin to kick up just under my ribcage. I tried to breathe them away and I tried to will them away, but they just wouldn’t dissipate. They came to a peak during the wet drive to Stacey’s office. It got so intense that I felt myself tearing up in frustration again. Like I said before, it’s a horrible cycle where you get anxious and then you get depressed because you’re frustrated that you got anxious.

So we parked the car and ran through cold wind and rain like you wouldn’t believe, and soon Stacey brought us to her office, which stunk like shit. It smelled of old fast food.

Just like learning more and more from my current endocrinologist has proven how worthless my old and endocrinologist was, the more I learn from Stacey, the more I realize that Dana wasn’t very helpful and all. At least not for me.

Anyway, I told her how up-and-down things have been for me and that we really suspect the main culprit for my anxiety, which sometimes reaches epic proportions, is mostly due to perimenopause. Even she has had similar symptoms. Well, it may not be any one thing, and the extra levothyroxine definitely had a hand in fueling it, but I think most of what I’ve been feeling recently is due to menopause setting in. I was supposed to get my period yesterday and I don’t feel like it’s even close. I don’t think they’ve stopped altogether yet, but I think by the time I’m 55 that will be it. It’s exciting but every bit as torturous as I’ve always heard it is.

Sometimes I feel so bad that I fear I’ll never get better. As I told Stacey, I never had fear and anxiety like this even when my life was horrible. My sleep is still shitty, too. Even when I’m not waking up with my heart racing, I still wake up a lot, and a lot of the time I feel tired. As much as I’m looking forward to our upcoming vacation, which will probably be booked this weekend, I dread how exhausting it may be for me. As Tom said, though, vacation is about relaxing. If I’m too tired to do any of the excursions, we can just lay around on the beach, at the pool, or even on the balcony of our room. We’re probably going to go with Royal Caribbean which only goes to Mexico, instead of Princess, which goes to both Mexico and Honduras because they have more rooms available, but I’m getting off-topic.

Back to Stacey. She is a very easy-going woman who seems very understanding, compassionate and knowledgeable. I honestly didn’t think she would be able to help me at first because what’s causing my anxiety is physiological. But then as Tom pointed out, being overweight is physiological yet exercise helps it.

The emotional tapping seemed silly to me at first and I really didn’t see the point in it, but it is surprisingly more helpful than you might think. You tap a series of spots on the body 6 or 7 times (hands, head, around the eye, under the nose, chin, chest, and under the arms) while you recite a positive phrase such as, “Even though I hate this anxiety, I love and accept myself.”

You can personalize your statements if you want but I prefer to keep it simple. Things got funny at one point because I misunderstood at first what she was asking me to do when she asked me to pick a word. Well, I picked rats since I love rats. This would have had me saying, “Even though I hate these rats, I love and accept myself.” LOL

When she asked me what my goals were for the future, I was totally stumped as to what to say. I really don’t have a clue. I guess it’s just to survive and be happy and healthy. At this age you just don’t see the world through the same eyes you saw them through 20 or 30 years ago. The things that were new and exciting back then just don’t thrill you like they once did. My goals and dreams have become a lot more simplistic than they used to be. I would just like for us to retire someday in either Hawaii or Florida, with Florida being the most likely given how expensive Hawaii is.

I told her about my three-day stint with Lexapro and various things that are going on (mostly my work and hobbies), as well as our upcoming trip. She wants to see me before we leave, so I have another appointment on the 21st.

I left her office without the “butterflies” that I would have killed with lorazepam. I still may need lorazepam to help me sleep better at times, but I’m hoping that I will need less and less of it until I eventually don’t need it at all. I still prefer natural remedies whenever possible.

After we left the building we treated ourselves to burgers and fries from Carl’s Jr. and next time I want to try their beer-battered cod sandwich, even though I shouldn’t be having any of that shit. It’s been a month, though, of mostly healthy eating, and everybody deserves a break every now and then.

I felt great for the rest of the day. I just had a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. I was tired for several hours after I first got up, and I was also pissed because they turned our water off. Tom crashed at 5:30 PM and I got up at 8 o’clock. That’s when I discovered the water was off. When I saw there was no message from him about it, I knew they had to turn it off after he went to bed. So I slipped a note under his door telling him not to flush his toilet until he had to take a dump because the water was off. These toilets will not flush if you pour a bucket of water down them like regular toilets do.

Well, he got up to pee and found the note. This was at 11 o’clock and he’s been up ever since, the poor guy. At one point he drove around the park to find where they were working. It was by the lake. He said there were 4 trucks there and he could see them carrying big pipes and all that. Usually, when there are water outages it’s only for an hour or two. But this time it was off for over 7 hours, maybe more.

Fortunately, the water was turned on in time for him to take his shower before leaving for work, and then I showered as well. Now the dishes are running.

After he left I did the emotional tapping twice. I will run through it once or twice every few hours even when I don’t feel anxious, and then there’s that lifetime supply of chicken I was sure to get because the tryptophan in it is calming.

Before emotional tapping, you want to rate your level of anxiety on a scale of 1-10 before you start and try to get it as low as you can. I was about a 7 when he left and I brought it to 5. Then I fixed myself something to eat and spent a half-hour on the Bowflex, and I would say that right now I’m about a 3.

My only other complaint – we both could complain about this one – is that we just can’t stop coughing. I first got sick before Christmas and I still have coughing and congestion. My voice was so raw after leaving Stacey.

I sure have been getting violent in my dreams a lot, or close to it. In last night’s dream, I was walking somewhere and was thrown in jail due to a misunderstanding that had to do with someone who was testifying in a high-profile case. It happened to be a Friday, however, and no one could be reached to explain things.

I was in a large room with several other inmates when a female guard was leaving the room. I urged her to help me. She said something about a simple misunderstanding. As she was about to pull the door shut, I tugged on it and shouted, “So I’m supposed to sit in jail all weekend due to a fucking misunderstanding?!”

Knowing the guard would feel challenged by my going off on her like that, she did exactly what I hoped she would do. She re-entered the room so I might have more time to convince her to help me.

One of the other inmates came between us to protect the guard from my wrath because the guard was petite, possibly even smaller than me. Even though I never actually struck her, she ended up hitting the floor and I awoke from the dream worrying that I would then be hit with an assault charge.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2016 Feeling the best I’ve felt in days. Not sure how long it will last, but I’m definitely enjoying it while it does. I even slept a little better, although I did wake up with my heart racing moderately at one point.

Dr. A has no problem with me discontinuing the SSRI for now. The scratchy feeling I felt in my throat is gone and it probably was connected to the Lexapro. It was definitely messing with my sleep just like the Prozac did, and who knows if it might have triggered suicidal thoughts as well after another dose or two? I’m glad I won’t be finding out.

The more I experience what I’ve been going through and the more research I do, the more I think that this is connected to perimenopause than anything else. Sure, the higher dosage of thyroid medication had an impact on it and so did the trauma I experienced, as well as the thyroid disease itself, but I think they fed off of each other and that the main culprit was and still is perimenopause. IDK, maybe estrogen supplements would be better for me at some point.

I will be seeing Stacey later on this morning and hopefully that will be more helpful as well.

I chatted with Tammy a couple of mornings ago and she really helped cheer me up. I just feel so bad that she is suffering as well, just in a very different way. She’s in such bad shape that she can’t even take walks. Hopefully, they will improve her health and she’ll quit smoking and become more active. Being smoke-free and keeping active makes a world of difference.

Although I’m more of a strength training and aerobics kind of person, I did a little yoga yesterday because it’s supposed to be very relaxing.

I’ve been anything but relaxed and some of my dreams. I didn’t get violent this time around, but some girl really pissed me off by threatening me and I said something like, “Fine. If you want to fight, we will fight.” Instead of reacting, though, she just made this strange guttural sound.

In another dream, my music teacher from high school agreed to give me rides to and from some kind of job and I realized I didn’t have a trace of the crush I once had on him way back when.

I was definitely wrong in assuming we wouldn’t have any more rain this year than we have had for the last several years. It pretty much rained all day yesterday. It hasn’t rained since I’ve been up, but it’s breezy out based on the wind chimes I can hear.

It has now been one month without Andy in my life and I can’t say I miss him. I say let him get on with his life and his false beliefs about me, his paranoia, his immaturity, his stupidity - the whole damn 9 yards - and I’ll get on with mine.

I know he couldn’t make me check in on Ask, but I often felt pressured to and I don’t miss that. Or having to hear about the same old shit over and over again.

So the Germans are kind enough to take in the immigrants and they thank them by raping them because their twisted minds/laws and religious fantasies tell them it’s okay to do so? When are people going to wake up and see these Muslims as the true honest to god savage beasts that they are? Especially the men with the way they treat women. Just wondering how long it’ll be before they are brought over here to rape US women as well because their imaginary “Allah” says it’s a good thing. Well, put one next to us and they’ll quickly see that “Allah” has other plans for them because I will have them moved in a heartbeat. I will not live in danger!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 5, 2016 Gotta stop the Lexapro because it’s making my shitty sleep even shittier. It was like, OMG! I’ve also noticed this scratchiness in my throat and wonder if that could be the flu-like symptoms someone mentioned.

Throughout my day I was stable and didn’t need any lorazepam, but during my first two hours of sleep, I flitted in and out of sleep constantly, only to wake up with my heart booming up a storm a few hours later. I was hot as hell, too. Tom and I totally believe this is perimenopause setting in. No doubt about it. I’m late more and more often for my periods, too. I’m supposed to get it tomorrow, though I doubt I will. PMS with menopause setting in is a real double whammy of emotional and physical hell, all right.

I called Tom who helped calm me down and then I took a lorazepam to help me fall back asleep. Because I kept waking up so much I ended up sleeping a long time. When I finally got up I felt more depressed than anxious, as well as hopeless. How long is this going to go on???

All I could do was lie around going from hot to cold as I do in my sleep. I had no energy to work out or do much of anything. Even this blog entry takes effort. Typical of me when I’m PMSing, but it’s more than that. It’s called sleeping shitty with menopause and whacky hormones that just don’t make you feel like yourself anymore, along with a head full of worries sprinkled with anxiety. Waking up for a second here and there is one thing, but when am I EVER going to be able to do it less often and WITHOUT the beatathons???

Doc A assured me she’d refill my lorazepam when I need it, and that’s better than nothing, but I think I’ll pass, once again, on the SSRI drugs. Maybe a hormone supplement would be better for me. I’ll eventually discuss that with her. Meanwhile, I see Stacey tomorrow and she can help with the psychological aspect of things.

For now, it’s raining hard and steady here and that’s always soothing to hear. Plus we still need the rain. I am definitely going to take it easy today. Even I deserve a break every now and then. The house is clean and my online work is done, so I can just veg out in bed and read. This cold wet weather is perfect for it. Aly and I can text each other, too.

I’m afraid to go to sleep later, of course, so I’ll stay up as long as I can. It might help me sleep better that way anyway. I might try sleeping without the covers, too. Maybe even follow a yoga vid on YouTube. This has been suggested to me, even though I’m more of a cardio/strength training kind of gal.

In last night’s dream, I wonder if I was homeless or something. I was sleeping on a tiny bench or cot in the corner of a small room in which anyone could enter, so I’m guessing it was in a public place. A guy approached my bed and woke me up. He seemed drunk and filthy. I yelled at him to get away, but couldn’t shove him very far with my hands as he was knelt down by my head. To achieve a better angle, I curled my body up and kicked him away instead.

Then I went back to sleep, but when I woke up again I was pissed. I got up and looked down at the floor where he lay on his back. I straddled him and started punching him in the face as I shouted, “You stupid son of a bitch!”

But the guy never moved, and so I ran out of there assuming he might be dead.

In the second dream, Tom and I were riding in the car. I was complaining that today’s music is boring and he suggested we go to K-Mart to look at what CDs they have (as if that’d be different from what’s online, LOL). I said, “I’m trying to think of what songs I can’t find MP3s of.”

SUNDAY, JANUARY 3, 2016 Yesterday was a shitty day that turned good. It seems I may’ve accidentally stumbled upon a cure for my anxiety. I’m still on Lexapro (took my second dose) and taking lorazepam as needed, but if I’m really on to something, hopefully I won’t need much of either for too long.

For the first 6 hours or so of my day, I was horribly anxious. At first it was mostly emotional anxiety with a little of it being physical. You know, as in those butterflies we feel in our stomach when our adrenaline gets pumping? Even with lorazepam I could still feel symptoms, as Stacey said I could. Eventually, I fell into bed and bawled my eyes out in despair and frustration. Then my heart started racing. It was annoyingly elevated but not so much that it got scary.

I then got up and ate some chicken I baked and then started coloring. After a while of that, I realized I was me again. Totally me. I felt not one shred of anxiety! It was wonderful to have myself back, not that I expected it to last, but it did for the rest of my day, including on our quick visit to Walgreens where I got a cute little gray rubber rat (hey, I couldn’t resist) and some light orange lip gloss.

I’m enjoying my new nectarine wax in the warmer on my desk, and have sandalwood warming in the bedroom.

Anyway, when I realized I was calm after eating my chicken, I remembered mentioning calming down after eating in past entries. So I pulled up my 2015 journal and found that I’d eaten chicken. Then I did some research on foods that are said to help ease anxiety, and sure enough, chicken was one of the ones mentioned.

I don’t want to get my hopes up, but if I could just down a slice or two of chicken anytime I felt the anxiety bite, that’d be awesome!

I slept better than last time, but still not as well as I’d like. I woke up 4 or 5 times along the way, twice warm and with a slightly racy heart. Five hours into my sleep I took a lorazepam.

The one time I wish I would get a little anxious so I could test the chicken again, I don’t, LOL. It’s just barely there under the surface, but as soon as it rears up again, the chicken will be waiting and ready to hopefully attack with a vengeance!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 2, 2016 How did I get so bad emotionally and all for no good reason at all? I keep asking myself this. Anytime I’ve been anxious or depressed in the past it was always for a reason and never this intense that it felt so scary and hopeless.

Of all the theories we’ve come up with since it began 1.5 years ago, it still seems a mix of things, but mostly my body has to acclimate to once again having normal thyroid levels. Then there’s the perimenopause thing that could be playing with my emotions and sleep, and well, this all makes more sense than the thyroid pills themselves since I did have those good months, my labs don’t indicate numbers that could make me feel this way, and it’s unlikely the initial trauma is affecting me or that something’s eating at my subconscious.

If this is a medical condition as Dr. A said, how did I get it and when will it go away? Tom pointed out that I was on edge a lot of the time 20+ years ago, but then as my thyroid became low it took the edge off of things. Now I’ve got to learn how to “be normal” again without lowering my thyroid and putting me at risk of other health complications. This task may sound easy, but the time it’s taking to do so is anything but easy given how much suffering I have done. I feel like I’m never going to feel calm and fearless again, but I’m still a little hopeful that the Lexapro will soon help.

If there’s any progress at all it’s that my heart hasn’t been overly racy lately. I took the Lexapro toward the beginning of my day yesterday and found it made me drowsy and even a bit hungry, as someone said it did to them. But I otherwise felt calm throughout the evening.

Sure enough, though, I had a helluva hard time staying asleep. I started to overheat with a racy heart but kicked the covers off and was okay. But just a couple of hours after crashing I had to take a lorazepam to relax enough to fall back asleep. I just can’t stay asleep more than a couple of hours at a time. It’s horrible. I miss having my sleep be normal. Or at least what’s “normal” for me.

Tom thinks I’m getting into bed too early. I really should wait till I’ve been up at least 16 hours. It’s just that sometimes I lack energy or feel depressed over my situation and all I want to do is lay in bed. Like right now. I want to get into bed, pull the covers over my head, and just cry, even though the tears don’t always come. But I have to push my schedule around a bit more for my Wednesday morning meeting with Stacey.

Due to how drowsy the Lexapro makes me I’ve decided to switch to taking it before bed and see if that helps me sleep with fewer interruptions. I just fear it backfiring on me over the next week or two, which is still possible, and I dread being alone when he returns to work Monday morning. How I miss enjoying my time alone! I always loved my solitude as much as I love hanging with those I love. But now I would relish in what once annoyed the shit out of me… being around people too often. But not just any people. My workout buddies at the clubhouse are fine, but I would still feel more comfortable around those who know me and understand my situation.

I just hope I’m not hopeless because I sure feel that way at times. My anxiety was coming and going in waves when I got up. I hoped it would back off on its own, but when it didn’t I took a lorazepam about 6 hours later.

Next weekend we’ll assess my progress (if any) and decide when to travel and whether or not to skip the cruise. We may have to as shitty as I’ve been sleeping, and possibly even delay seeing my sister for a month as much as that would suck.

In sweeter news, hubby and I made fudge earlier. Since I haven’t taken anything so far today but my levothyroxine and lorazepam, I’m not that hungry. The better I feel, the more I want to eat. But if I’m stressed, depressed, tired, worried or anxious, it snuffs my appetite. I’m still a good 20 pounds overweight, though. For now, all I can do is just savor the hell out of those rare moments of calm.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 1, 2016 A journal is like a best friend that you share everything with. You, the readers, are the “eavesdroppers” to those confessions.

2015 ended on a fearful note and 2016 is beginning on a hopeful one. I will be taking my first Lexapro pill in 20 minutes. I just wanted to be sure I waited 4 hours after taking my thyroid pill because it’s best not to take anything too close to taking that.

Thanks to those who have also taken it and given me your feedback on your experiences. It seems a lot of people feel numb, but I’d welcome a little numbness as opposed to off-the-charts anxiety.

Hopefully, it won’t mess up my already messed-up sleep patterns even more. As I told Tammy, the trip may be delayed a bit till we can get my wacky hormones, chemicals – whatever they’re all called – in a more sane fashion.

Last night I dreamed I was hanging outside with some people when a guy came up and dumped a huge bag of Chinese food on us. I told him I was starving and had just sent some girl to the grocery store for me, so I really appreciated it.

The guy said that the guy that gave him the address to deliver it to had screwed up, so that’s why he was giving it to us. I told him to thank the guy for fucking up.

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