#am I a little depressed? of course
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I'm in Greece! I'm visiting my grandparents and will spend the next two weeks working on my novel, reading books and doing some work while sitting in their garden or patio
#nat talks#books#bookstagram#did I bring too many books? naturally#am I a little depressed? of course#BUT I'm having a good day today and I think life is all about those little good moments#also realize how lucky I am to be here#they're getting older so idk if I would get another chance to come here#especially since my brother's getting married in the middle of summer next year and so maybe they won't go to greece at all#who knows what will happen after that#because they spend half the year in sweden and the other half in greece#I found really cheap tickets too#gonna try to just live with my emotions even if they're sometimes bad#idk maybe I'll write more about it later#me
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i love my sister and for the most part, we are very close and genuinely like each other a lot but the one place where i'd just really, really, really like to see inside her brain is the part where she is still incredibly comfortable and cheerful—and even thinks it's really funny—talking about how much she didn't like me as a child while I'm like. yes. I am and was aware. and it sucked so so so much
#we had a really wild moment over dinner last week where she actually acknowledged#EXPLICITLY with her OWN WORDS#that things like our brother dying right when i was going into my senior yr of high school#and covid lockdown starting right when i'd graduated college + moved to a new city where i knew no one except her + was applying/auditionin#for jobs#were harder on me than one her in some unique ways#and i was literally like . is. is this a test? am i supposed to deny it?#bc like when our brother died she told me i was a selfish brat (for not grieving the way she did)#and during covid she told me (right after i got laid off) that she had ''way more reasons to be depressed'' than i did#personal#anyway she was laughing so much as she said this (abt not liking me) and i was just staring at her nodding slightly like#yeah. i know. i know you didn't like me#do YOU know how much it sucks to know that your older sister--whom you idolize--who you *desperately* want to like you--#not only doesn't like you at all#but even up into high school/college#would talk about how she couldn't wait till our LITTLE (five year old) cousins were old enough to hang because they'd be so much fun#and know that she had absolutely never thought or said that about you#do you perhaps! think that might still have ramifications on our relationship to this day#if your little sister spent 20+ years knowing that your love was conditional on them being the person you wanted her to be#like. do u???#(the answer is no of course but#i remain boggled by the fact that this eludes her considering she is! in fact! a really smart person!)#it's also like when i was first offered my current job#and our now bosses asked both of us like ''are you worried at all about working with your sister?''#and she laughed like lol no of course not?#while i was like ''honestly yes.'' adskjfglkjasds#very different perspectives sometimes
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2023 art summary ヽ(´w｀) i ended up not posting most of my stuff for the latter half (yet) but i’m really happy with a lot of what i worked on!!!!!
#my art#art summary#2023 art summary#art school is actually so fun sometimes did you know that. i made so many fun comics and experimented with new stuff. sometimes i wasn’t#any good at what i tried but it’s still sooo rewarding when i improved even just a little. and it feels REALLY good#to be able to show off some skills or familiarity with materials that i use less often these days#bc i can show my marker or colored pencil drawings and my classmates who have only seen my digital stuff are excited about it sometimes :-]#bc i really just like working in a lot of different mediums and i’m really thankful that my love for art and art making hasn’t dwindled#even though of course i have dormant periods and times where i don’t feel like making art or i feel frustrated with what i am able to do#it always comes back around. just like how i always feel better whenever i feel depressed#and i just love art and colors and i love the world and the people in it and myself and all the people i have been#anyways i hope you all feel happy or you will soon hugs and kisses goodnight (extremely loud thunk on the floor)
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I think it would be rly sick if you went to go build a crow rook and the surname was Arainai
like…. just another little compradi trying to bring glory back to your house - rinnala and taliesin are dead by the house’s hand, zevran failed and deserted, guili murdered in the night, all semblance of power lost once again. the house is trying to claw its way back up, futile as it seems. that’s the way of house arainai, isn’t it? talon to knife to talon to knife to nothing, same as it’s been since the house first lost power in the early dragon age. but you, bright-eyed little crow, you’ll break the cycle, won’t you? for the family?
after all, caterina’s prized heir is right there - the demon of vyrantium, the infamous mage killer, sleeping just down the hall. you can be quiet, can’t you? all those means at your disposal, and all the opportunities you could want. you could find a way in under that armor, get to something soft and bruisable and make it bleed. he’s far from home, isn’t he? without a friend? confidantes are few and far between - even a demon must get lonely.
maybe he’d even trust you. you’re a clever little bird, right? you can find something to exploit. after all, what does a would-be talon do except claw, except maim? what else would you be good for? there is no gentleness to crows - you are here to deliver a message: run, little demon, quick as you like.
house arainai will make carrion of you yet.
#there is no world in which I think this would happen BUT I think it would be fun#house arainai doesn’t even have beef like this I’m just making it up for sport#just a cute little assassination attempt to enemies to lovers arc for the nerves#I also 1) don’t imagine caterina is dead (but maybe over the course of the game) and 2) I think other succession plans would be followed#but what if someone put a contract out for Lucanis and he realizes that caterina was the one who would’ve had to approve it?#and there’s any number of people who would call in a contract like that in exchange for power#but what is gained in taking one man out from a line of succession? who benefits from his death enough to pay for it?#and then he realizes (whether it’s true or not) that the person who stands to gain the most with such a contract#is illario (who would finally be clear in his path to first talon)?? what then???#ohohoho they didn’t tell me what betrayal Lucanis is coming back from so in my mind I am giving him them all#I know the betrayal will (presumably) be related to the [redacted] thing but I am inventing new problems for fun#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: tevinter nights#lucanis dellamorte#also I wrote this as a little brainworm treat but now I’m like ‘am I……… playing a crow rook??’#(not until I finish my beloved depressed orlesian girlboss warden rook#but maybe someday)#idk man my brain is so rotted from rotating this game and this character around in my mind like a gas station hot dog#went directly from ‘I should write a baseless and unfounded account of this guy whackin’ it’ to ‘and also I want to end his bloodline’#the blorbo dichotomy………….#also ALSO I think it would be even funnier if every faction had to kill their double#mourn watch rook smothering peepaw with a pillow for the grave crime of uhhhhh kidnapping manfred from the necropolis#SOMEONE PUT THAT OLD MAN DOWN HE’S TEACHING THE SKELETON THE FOUND FAMILY TROPE#da thoughts
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not to be a milennial but harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban really is that bitch....
#mom wanted to rewatch the movies so we've been going thru them <3#talk about a movie thats just like. grief. i turn into the jamie lee curtis halloween trauma supercut#SORRY..... the visuals are peak like that IS the hp vibe to ME and i am BLOWN AWAY this movie was made in 2004 it feels ahead of its time#the first two are so whimsical and magical enrapturing and this movie is like. a well worn cardigan. this feels 2011 cozycore to me#sorry but the introduction of lupin becoming a comforting trusted guardian type of figure AND the dementors representing hollow depression#this 13 yr old whos been kept in the dark on so many things being extra vulnerable prey to them bc of the severe trauma#but getting lessons on how to withstand that creeping dread.. through happy memories... still bonding w lupin increasngly ouagh...#the grief between them both over james and lily. also btw ofc defense against the dark arts being fighting yr fears through laughter. aaaaaa#and then sirius. black. im. i know we meme on the twelve years of it! in azkaban! but as a bitch whos now closer to those characters in age#and can appreciate and understand them obv more than i could when i was. a tween. that just hits like ok shit. VALID#so valid and real to see the child of your friends you knew at that age but who DIED and then see the friend who betrayed them#to see like the best of BOTH of them mirrored and living on in him and be like yknow what???? you WILL be protected frm that same fate#hoooo the briefest moment where harry might hope things will turn out okay. w sirius' name being cleared and peter having to explain himself#and sirius being like hey i get it if you want to stay w your family that is fine but. if you wanna move in w me...#(harry relaying this to hermione later as well. dreaming of a place fr just the two of them somewhere in the countryside#somewhere..... sirius might see the sky..... bc he thinks he would like that after all those years locked up do not even touch me rn.......)#only fr everything to turn to shit two friends fighting w deadly force. the chance to set this right slipping off into the night.#a million dementors descending relentlessly until utter exhaustion and certain death. some strange salvation? fight for a second chance?#but then still havign to say goodbye when they only just GOT this. and everything still being so. god. and lupin having to leave as well.#the thought of sirius also WANTING that guardian type connection but being forced to live in 1. a cave barely living more freely than before#2. then being confined to the stuffy somber abusive home he ran away from as a teen w that portrait still up there and everything.. bitch...#oh man the way i KNOW when we get to ootp (my favourite) its gonna leave me blasted into a million little pieces#the way i know shit like the knowing wink the entirety of the wall tapestry room scene and of course nice one james is gonna DESTROY me..#dont even talk to me abt that dark turn at the end of gof and how everything after gets soooo. god. w everything just getting destroyed and.#i cant even think abt it i cant even talk about it. wah#i dont care btw that they aged those guys up undermining how insanely young these people died. perfect casting fr the remaining marauders ok
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secured an appointment with my doctor on monday to discuss upping my meds or changing them plus getting something different for my anxiety because I've been bursting into tears randomly and then crying for an hour to hours on end for a couple of weeks now and three family members and my therapist all suggested I look into updating my prescriptions 🤙🤙🤙
#i am having just about the hardest time (mentally/emotionally) i've had in my 20s jesus christ#good thing i'm gonna be out of my 20s in 10 days!! 🤪🤪#minus 2019 of course but that was a specific series of huge terrible life events that sent me into a tailspin#whereas 2024 i've just been...collapsing in on myself like a dying star#and i don't even get a cool black hole out of it 🤬#shit i've even been losing weight and have very little appetite and the last time i was so depressed i lost weight was uhhh#The Great Near-Deadly Depressive Episode Of Junior And Senior Year In High School 2012-13#so. that's shocking!#ann with an ie
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I've just realized that I use youtube exactly the same way I use pinterest.
Liked videos=profile
Playlists=boards
My brain really just sees media I like and goes "sort it bitch"
#youtube#pinterest#and yes#i am of course#✨️neurospicy✨️#i love the word neurospicy#like#oh yes#my brain just has a couple extra shots of hot sauce#thats why im depressed#all the cayenne#i also love the sparkly emoji#makes me think of the twilight thing#you know#edward: im a killer#bella: but sparkli#that was a weird movie franchise#wasnt the author mormon#maybe thats why#isnt mormonism a cult#whats the definition of a cult#okay google says it's a system of religious veneration and devotion directed toward a particular figure or object#which just sounds like a religion to me#but hey im just a crazy little atheist#actually google probably isnt reliable#i keep trying to leave google because i know theyre super shitty#but I know fuck all about computer shit#i cant even screen record#oh god i cant even remember what this post was originally about#take these tags as evidence of the neurospice
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After years of job rejections and life in general full of bad luck, I’m left to rely on the one thing I’m actually “good” at. Which means:
👉Self Promotion.👈
I am open for work, c0missi0ns or otherwise, and there is my P*treon as well. Which ever works best for anyone.
#dreamer speaks#buy me a cup of ko fi?#on patreon#self promo#art related#I’ve been job hunting for three years#I’ve only been able to land one ‘job’ and it was seasonal part time where they didn’t keep me afterwards#and after seeing posts about most job posts are actually fake#I am both very discouraged and depressed#I’m used to having little to nothing#but I’m tired of my own kin thinking that I’m not a good adult and incapable of survival#so any support in any way is greatly appreciated#no pressure of course sense everything is going nuts across the world#just spreading the word is more then enough for me
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holy sh¡t a Deception fan in the year of our lord 2023?? how does it feel being in a fandom with 4 people in it bestie
Do not cite the deep magic to me, child... I was there when it was written!
#jokes aside#I remember when the fandom had a somewhat active 200+ fans that made fan content for the show#I was 18 when I started this blog#I'm 23 now and... wow#I made jokes about how it'll be five years and I won't be over this show... apparently I was not wrong lol#though now it's more of a fond nostalgia#I have fics I never finished#though I kinda wanna make little summary posts to just explain how those fics would've ended#in the summer of 2018 I wrote SO MUCH fanfic content because I didn't take summer courses my first year#tbh sometimes I wish I never even heard of the show but then I think of the good things it brought me#like the cool online friends I found#to discovering that I love to write and pulling me out of my first year depression#wow this got kinda sentimental#point is...#I am still kinda a fan#I make incorrect quotes now and then when I find something I think would work#I would love to see some sort of closure to the story#and tbh I still get excited by new fics#especially the Kaymeron ones#but I would love to talk more about it#if people were interested#deception
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please forgive me, but I need to complain and over-share or my brain is going to explode please feel free to ignore
#I'm not doing well.#the last two places I worked (in a tourism-adjacent sector) closed. broadly speaking due to post-lockdown financial issues#for the past year at my current job I've been earning less than half what I used to. this was the only offer I got at the time and#I haven't found anything better since. this is not sustainable I'm barely making it each month...#I live with my parents and cancelled my health insurance I don't know how else to reduce my budget. it's depressing tbh#the solution is obviously to find a better job but that's just not happening and I'm beginning to feel discouraged.#I hate being negative it's a very unattractive character trait but I just feel myself slipping and spiraling#I know I should be taking short courses or volunteering to boost my cv but like when ! and how !#I can't afford to work less but I get home at 20h so even evening courses are tricky. I work every other saturday too so weekends are out#and like I do need to rest at some point you can't be depressed and burnt out that's a terrible combo#was looking at a dtp/typesetting short course and 1) I'll need a new computer that can actually run design programs#and 2) the course itself is like 2 month's salaries which I cannot realistically save right now#and yet I'm still ''over-qualified'' for entry level positions because I went to uni. well maybe that's just a polite excuse#because as interesting as my humanities degrees were they didn't equip me with any practical or marketable skills#besides being good at reading and writing. but AI can do that for free now so that's not helpful#I always thought I was reasonably intelligent but I cannot solve this puzzle. there must be a creative solution that I'm missing#but i feel so stuck and trapped#and at least once a week some poor soul stumbles in to the office practically begging for a job so I feel bad for complaining#a little truly is better than nothing#but thank god we elected more pro-business capitalists into government that really is going to be great for us workers (sarcasm)#also I should acknowledge#I am getting some déjà vu. I feel like I've vented about this topic before#the difference is. back then it was a potential concern. now the concern has materialised into reality and rendered the situation desperate
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seeing something list “Guilt and shame at not being able to keep clean” as an ADHD symptom...bitch what if i dont feel anything about it? Certified to not have ADHD because I revel in the chaos. I leave something on the floor and forget about it and when it finally renders in my vision later I’m like “Fuck yeah!!! Environmental Storytelling!!!!!”
#this is partially untrue#i dont revel in it or feel guilty or shameful im just like 'ugh fuck ill clean it eventually'#if i have a thing i want or need to do then that means i 'dont have time' (also untrue)#it is just annoying! i am sure clean freaks also feel shame when there is ONE THING on the floor#like when you are a parent and guests are coming. what do they have a temporary bout of adhd#idk the emotional aspect could be a way for someone to realize what theyre experiencing is a sign of something#but also i think just 'being unable to keep an area clean' would suffice???#someone with depression could feel guilt and shame about lack of energy to keep clean#of course like any diagnostic criteria could be connected to other things if its not occurring as part of a bigger picture blah blah#idk im just a le epic god of logic and do not understand Emotion Pilled cucks#anyway this was about a tumblr adhd ad so. i am wasting time.#this is not diagnostic like why am i still typing this#this was less a train of thought and more like a shitty little caboose of thought#maybe the epic logic fedora lord tag is where the caboose lit on fire
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hello. sorry i disappeared again i think this is just who i am now. finally living my dreams of being a cryptid
i wrote like a chapter and a half of a fuckign ladybug fic today. it is cringe but i am free. who is interested (it's not gonna follow canon very closely at all because i do not care it is for my enjoyment)
#i'm fine i just have depression and chronic issues and i have decided to stop forcing myself to post when i am not well#disappearances are probably just part of my brand at this point#me coming back from the dead once again#miraculous ladybug#the oc is named raven romero renato he's so bbygirl#he's got anxiety but he's also an adrenaline junkie which makes a terrible terrible combination.#of course he's given a miraculous and this just makes it so much worse#he's a coyote btw#and like a model n shit but who cares about that. show me this man vigilante-ing#(i am making them actual vigilantes not just responding to akuma attacks)#(i'm also aging them up because... 14 year old superheroes.......... insert throwing up emoji)#he also has trauma ofc hes my oc but it's also kind of a crackfic#if you couldn't tell his love interest is adrien#and maybe a little luka but idk. they might just be besties instead#marinette will be severely less creepy and things will overall be changed to fit my headcanons. cope.
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another day, more zelda totk brain rot i'm sorry guys. plus eurovision finals is TONIGHT so you will see that on my dash but i will try to tag it with #eurovision or #esc cause for some reason a shitload of people decided my tlou writing is good and follow me for that. this blog was nothing but a reblog factory once i swear.
ANYWAY silhouettes my fucking problem child. i think i solved the plot issues i had with it. i know what to write. it is being written in "chapter 13 for real now" so you can guess how that process went.
#alex yells at the void#alex scribbles tlou#i also have two tess and joel fics i wanna write/in the works#one about ellie's fedra trauma#one where i put joel into situations with his anxiety#ANOTHER fic about hands#the its quiet uptown one which girlies that one will take forever and it will be way too long but it is what it is#girlies (gender neutral) of course or id even misgender myself lol#plus a very painful idea about joel sleep and arms holding him the working title is sad little spoon joel#do i have college yes yes i do have i been going to lectures for the last two weeks no no i have no#in my defense my depression got my therapist so worried#she started sessions by trying to figure out if i was gonna kill myself or not#the answer is no miss therapist i will not#but boy i had her WORRIED that woman is losing sleep over me#best and worst patient at the same time i am winning at therapy
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Source: (x)
So I have never gotten to talk about this fic with another soul, but this is truly one of my Stories Of All Time. Every line of this fic is like if I speedran decades worth of talent and ability and ended up being able to actually write what I think and feel (about Rooster) in my head.
Amazing, amazing, amazing work.
#I picked a vagina passage because OF COURSE it's me#even beyond the pussy description I love 'his big body crushing him shielding him from his failures' - it me#but really - it was the build-up of everything that happened before which made this passage so beautiful and satisfactory to read#I wish I could comment on it but I am too depressed to comment on any fics without community - fandom is no fun to go about alone#but I will just post on tumblr because this is my sad little diary for myself
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augh augh augh i never ever used to get headaches i think i should be able to sue my employer for bodily injury or sth i am so fucking done with this shit
#it is funny and by funny i mean extremely frustrating#that yesterday i obviously overexcerted myself very badly#bad bad bad headache day yesterday#and today i think i didn't really do that much#at least not so much to get headache punished#but the think the overexertion from yesterday carried over#so my threshold is worse and i got a headache again#i kinda wanna cry this can't just be my life now#it just can't#i know shit takes time but. it Just doesn't get any better#if i felt like there was a little progress like snail pace idgaf#but i just feel like i'm getting worse actually#in the beginning i didn't feel depressed-depressed but now recently i am feelings more typically depressed as well#sigh#at least i will have sth to talk about in therapy tomorrow#and i already know it will be headache times because therapy is also exhausting enough for my stupid bitch brain to debuff me#i am starting to get so mad for real. i feel like my job caused me lasting harm beyond what i could have imagined#kinda my fault of course for going along with it. and having a stupid already fucked brain and an at least mildly chronically ill body#but what the fuck man i didn't sign up for this. for not even being able to do leisure activities without fucking headaches#i will burn this company into the ground if this doesn't stop soon ideally the kamikaze way
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~ ~ ~
#every time I call someone my best friend they turn into a fucking problem that just hurts me and makes me sick#is it me? am I doing something wrong? am I not supposed to have close friends?#or am I just such a fuckup that by being myself it’s inevitable that I’ll ruin my friendships?#kissed my bro on the cheek last week when he wasn’t doing too great and in my mind I was doing it just as an extra way to be encouraging#and show my support and that I’m here for him cause tbh I’ve done that with plenty of other friends and it ain’t no thing#but after a week of wondering why he’s been distant and not wanting to be around me when I’m saying I just need some time with a friend he#finally admits that he thought that was weird and out of line. so I gotta backtrack and try to explain myself but now all the stupid little#pieces be fitting and I realize that he’s probably been misconstruing me wanting time with him as thinking I’m gonna try to flirt with him#or something else fucking dumb like that. despite the fact that that has never been the case and he knows me fundamentally as a person and#should know I wouldn’t ever do anything that could make either of us cheaters even incidentally. plus he’s basically like a brother to me#and I have an AFAB partner so it’s not like I’m trolling for cock anyway and he knows that too. but now I gotta go back through every#interaction we’ve had since that happened and analyze whether or not I was weird or awkward or inappropriate in some way that he could be#upset about at all. and also act like everything is fine and keep it pushing like normal and police every future action to be safe too#because of course he can’t just be straight up about anything or tell me if something bothered him no I gotta play a whole ass fucking#guessing game. and now I also can’t trust that my best friend who is supposed to know me so well won’t take things I say/do the wrong way.#can’t trust that my best friend won’t see me in a poor light now because it’s clearly been affecting the friendship#and like totally that’s my bad I overstepped a boundary I didn’t realize was there but you should have just fucking told me at the time#instead of pulling this shit and giving me anxiety and blowing me off and making me feel like shit#can’t rely on him or trust him or anything and what’s the fucking point of even having a best friend if this is what happens? I’m at the end#of my fucking rope right now so stressed and anxious and no matter how much I try to talk to him or anything he just brushes me off and#won’t let me explain or get my feelings out or anything else. but hey at least I was around for him the other day when he needed somebody#good thing I was there to keep him from going back to drinking or something else stupid and could help him out. cause that’s what really#matters right just being able to help somebody else when they need it even if they don’t reciprocate and are actively hurting me instead of#just being there for me as a friend. guess we try again tomorrow huh? what else can be done I suppose. just get to suffer and be riddled#with anxiety and stress and depression eating away at me and ruining my fucking life. can’t even enjoy the Olympics or anything else because#I’m stuck overthinking this dumb shit. just want this to be over and things to be back to normal. wanna stop being upset about this shit and#be able to let it go but I don’t fucking know how and I can’t keep losing friends because it’s killing me#personal
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