#I know the betrayal will (presumably) be related to the [redacted] thing but I am inventing new problems for fun

[silverhalla]

I think it would be rly sick if you went to go build a crow rook and the surname was Arainai

like…. just another little compradi trying to bring glory back to your house - rinnala and taliesin are dead by the house’s hand, zevran failed and deserted, guili murdered in the night, all semblance of power lost once again. the house is trying to claw its way back up, futile as it seems. that’s the way of house arainai, isn’t it? talon to knife to talon to knife to nothing, same as it’s been since the house first lost power in the early dragon age. but you, bright-eyed little crow, you’ll break the cycle, won’t you? for the family?

after all, caterina’s prized heir is right there - the demon of vyrantium, the infamous mage killer, sleeping just down the hall. you can be quiet, can’t you? all those means at your disposal, and all the opportunities you could want. you could find a way in under that armor, get to something soft and bruisable and make it bleed. he’s far from home, isn’t he? without a friend? confidantes are few and far between - even a demon must get lonely.

maybe he’d even trust you. you’re a clever little bird, right? you can find something to exploit. after all, what does a would-be talon do except claw, except maim? what else would you be good for? there is no gentleness to crows - you are here to deliver a message: run, little demon, quick as you like.

house arainai will make carrion of you yet.

[amothersmagik]

11-26-2022

Gossiping Shadows Article #1

Toxicity Within - “[He] Left Because of You!”

By: Megan B[REDACTED]

This article comes with a trigger warning for emotional trauma and PTSD, as well as a spoiler alert for the movie Encanto. If you have not seen it – you should. It's very good in my opinion. But perhaps do not read further until you have.

She didn't know I knew.

She couldn't have.

No one knew he was still here, let alone that I'd spoken to him. She didn't know I knew.

And yet – she still said it. The anguish I felt cut me deeply. The hurt reverberating in my chest as only pain from familial betrayal can. And then I realized how much worse it truly was. Because she didn't know I knew. She had no way to know that I'd already found out and sort of processed the information, albeit from a much more positive angle. The realization hurt me profoundly – but now it had taken on an edge of understanding. How long had she carried that blame inside her? The blame she placed oh so heavily on me, a mere child. The shock that it had probably been since the day my door did not present itself settled somewhere in the back of my mind. I looked around at the discomfort and frustration on my family's faces. Discomfort – but not shock. Did they know? Had they known all along that she blamed me for him leaving? Did they see it as she saw it – as in, it was my fault rather than his choice? As in let's blame the five year old for something she couldn't possibly understand let alone affect.

Even my parents look upset. At me? Or at her for saying that, for feeling it? Do they all blame me as she does? No – it's not my fault. I was a child, I am a child. This is...this is her fault. Abuela how could you? I've only ever loved you. Why can't you love me? Love us? As we are! Not as who you want us to be?

Can you imagine being her? Feeling all that in the space of a few mere seconds? Maribel Madrigal, in that moment, realized that Abuela had placed so much pressure and blame on her for every little thing that had gone wrong. As though the audacity (sic) that she had shown (at five years old) in not getting a Gift is what had lead to every small or large misfortune that had occurred since then.

Can you imagine? Placing adult problems and worries on the shoulders of a five year old who is scared and hurt and wondering why she isn't special like the rest of her family. How quick the seeds of trauma and hurt can be sown into a family. Abuela hurt her family badly. But why? Why was Abuela so toxic? And is she as redeemable as the end of the movie suggests? I truly believe that yes she is redeemable. Because so are we all – if we recognize our toxicity.

Haven't we all been there? Hurt terribly by someone we love or by circumstances out of our control? And worse – haven't we all, at some point, acted as Abuela had? Placing blame on an easy target, whether it truly lies solely with them or not? Lashing out in our pain and, perhaps without realizing it, hurting others?

Let's take a moment to think back to a time when we were so horribly hurt by something that even now as adults, it is hard to remember and think about. How many of us have lashed out in return? Just as Maribel did. Because, right or wrong, she did lash out at Abuela. She hurt her grandmother in turn by pointing out how much of the blame laid equally at her feet.

Abuela, in many ways, represents the frustrated parent. The PTSD Parent. The stressed single parent. Because she is all these things and more! As toxic as she starts out in the movie, Abuela, for me, is such a relatable character. Abuela become a mother at a presumably young age and was near instantly faced with a life altering trauma. While she is given the Gift, Le Casa de Madrigal and all it's wonders – she is still left to deal with her trauma and to raise her children alone. Not just because she has suddenly become a widow; but also because she quickly closed her pain off from herself and her community.

The parallels are painful to think about for me, and maybe for some of you as well. How many times are we asked in a day, a week, a month, “Hey, how are you doing?” How often do we respond “I'm fine”? Often with a forced smile or refusing to meet the questioners eyes? Abuela, much like any parent who must face the world every day whether they wish to or not, hid her pain behind a mask. When we take her trauma into account, it is easy to see how she could become the exacting, high-horsed woman we see at the beginning of the film. Does it excuse her behavior? Absolutely not! Does it make her relatable and her behavior easier to understand? Yes. Abuela never dealt with her trauma. She buried it in favor of presenting a strong front to the village and her children. Her Gift became her mask.

However, the gift weakened, as we saw in the film. Resulting in Maribel, born without an individual gift. She represented to Abuela the weak spots in her mask. The spots where others could see her pain. She ignored those spots and ignored her pain just as she ignored Maribel. Culminating, of course, in the events of the film.

This is what happens when trauma isn't dealt with. It rots within you and becomes toxic. It will eventually see the light of day in the form of that toxicity. And that toxic trait can crumble the very foundations of relationships – and families. In the movie, when Casita falls to her knees, it points out how fragile life can be, how fragile good fortune can be, when we ignore our trauma and our own toxic traits.

That's the scariest part of Encanto, for me. Realizing there is no “villain” because the villain is residing within each of the heroes. Just as toxicity and “Evil” can reside within each of us. From pain can come healing and learning, or can come toxicity.

None of us is perfect. We all, at one point or another, have or will hurt those we care about because we ourselves are hurting. It's a vicious cycle that needs to end. But how do we do that? How do we unravel years of pain and trauma and realize we were being toxic?

We do as Maribel did in Encanto. We recognize the hurt in ourselves and in others. Though, unlike Maribel, rather than lashing out we work through our traumas and pain. Recognizing where it started and what we need to do to heal those wounds, is a lot more effective. For some this can mean talking to a therapist. For others, maybe a good solid home renovation while quietly deciding what is best for themselves and what no longer serves them. And still others might find that confronting the issue (in a healthy manner, and with support) is the way to go.

A lot of trauma healing comes with recognizing and acknowledging what it was that hurt us and why.

If another person's toxicity is what hurt us, we must recognize that. Is it a forgivable offense? Have they grown out of their toxicity? If yes, we must forgive them, learn the lesson the situation has brought us, and use that lesson to grow ourselves and correct our toxic behaviors in turn.

Now, not all things are forgivable of another. If that be the case, or if they have not grown out of their own toxicity, then it is time to recognize the pain they would continue to cause and walk away.

In either case, we must also forgive ourselves. For whatever part we had in the situations leading up to our trauma, for how we handled the trauma after and whatever misconceptions we may have had against ourselves in that time, and for whatever hurt we have caused since. I will never blame a victim for being a victim. I will remind myself that hurt people, hurt people. I do not use this to excuse those who have hurt me. I use this statement to remind myself that I am forgivable for the hurt I have caused. As long as I make amends and do my best to grow and be better as a person. A victim deserves justice and healing. And while any person can be a victim to trauma, it is how we deal with that trauma that matters.

All of us have the capacity for toxicity within us. Does that make us bad people? No. It is how we handle it that defines who we are and whether we are good or bad. It's our choices and how we handle what life throws at us that make us who we are in the end.