#alyssa kempinsky

[badflicks]

The Velocipastor (2018) 🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕

Perhaps the absolute highest cinematic experience one can hope to witness high on a certain strain or stone cold sober in one’s entire lifetime.

[haveyouseenthismovie-poll]

[chronivore]

Alyssa Kempinski

[adamwatchesmovies]

The VelociPastor (2017

You can’t make a movie that’s “so bad it’s good” on purpose. The VelociPastor proves it. Even at a mere 75 minutes, this horror comedy overstays its welcome.

After witnessing his parents die in a car fire, Pastor Doug Jones (Gregory James Cohan) briefly vacations in China. There, he receives a velociraptor claw from a dying woman. Now, whenever Jones becomes angry, he transforms into a dinosaur. He’s convinced he should try to remove this curse but Carol (Alyssa Kempinski), a hooker he saved while in his scaly form, thinks otherwise.

Other than the pun in its title, The VelociPastor has very little going for it. At first, you might chuckle at the premise and the wooden performances. As soon as the movie shows you it doesn’t even have the budget for lousy special effects, you'll realize this won't be the cult classic you were hoping for and shut it off. Instead of showing us the fire that kills Father Doug Jones’ parents, writer/director Brendan Steere has the text “VFX of Fire” appear over an empty street. To people who haven’t seen movies that are so bad they’re good, this sounds hysterical. Anyone with any experience with the ironic art form will know better. This is someone trying to cover up the fact that they don’t have the resources to make a good movie and aren’t even willing to try.

The problem with The VelociPastor is that without giving it too much thought, you could write a better movie. What if Pastor Doug gave a fiery sermon in front of his congregation and suddenly began changing? How would he hide his claws as he hands out communion? What if he faced an existential crisis because previously, he believed the Earth was only 3,000 years old? How about a scene in which he watches Jurassic Park for pointers on how to stalk the villains that prowl the streets? Maybe at one point, said villains chase him into a museum and he has to hide among animatronic dinosaurs! What about an important seminar he absolutely can’t miss that requires him to stuff the trademark velociraptor claw into normal shoes and tape his tail to his leg? What sort of hijinks do we get, if not these? None! In fact, the velociraptor barely appears in this movie and when it does, you’ll pray for death. Facing people who know you’ve sat through this film is too heavy a cross to bear. The dinosaur costume is clearly some generic Halloween disguise someone picked up on November 1st for 50% off because the crotch was torn. It looks shabby and you never see it do anything interesting. As for the gore - when you get any - it's little more than red fruit juice sprayed all over the actors.

It’s obvious no one working on this project cared. There are several scenes whose punchlines are so tired, lame and predictable they aren’t the least bit funny. In fact, they kind of make you mad. "This is the best you could come up with? Another pointless scene that wastes our time even more than the rest of the film, which is itself a colossal waste of time? Please Lord, just tell me we’re nearly at the end." You take a look at your watch. You’ve got another 45 minutes to go. This is a movie so dull it’s a battle to stay awake.

At best, The VelociPastor is a broken clock comedy - it manages to make you laugh/smile despite being broken and useless almost every minute of every hour of every day. At worst, it’s so cheap and lazy it insults your intelligence. You can’t make a cult film on purpose. I wasn’t looking for high art or deep meaning when I sat down with this film but I expected it to be fun. The only people who could enjoy The VelociPastor have their names in the end credits. (June 11, 2021)

[esperwatchesfilms]

The VelociPastor (2018)

This one holds an especially special place in my heart. I’m always proud of classmates and teachers and other folks from my hometown who go on to do amazing things. I knew he was a force to be reckoned with when he played Orin Scrivello, D.D.S. in our high school production of Little Shop of Horrors, and I’m so glad to see his talent and determination produced this fucking gem. Yes, I did just shamelessly brag about having been acquainted with the writer/director/producer/editor in high school. But in all honesty, I’m extremely happy to have known him and to be able to include this absolute MASTERPIECE in my world record attempt.

Father Stewart: So your parents died, Doug. It's what parents do. They die on you.

I love that Doug tells the homeless man he took a vow of poverty and then runs off, no change to give the downtrodden. Then Carol comes by, telling Doug off for being inconsiderate as he runs into her and then she digs some coins out of her purse to hand to the homeless man. I can only speculate, but that definitely feels like some pointed commentary. I love it.

Frankie Mermaid: Now, what’s my name? Carol: Frankie Mermaid. Frankie Mermaid: And why is my name Frankie Mermaid? [Carol mumbles] Frankie Mermaid: Speak up girl, or else I’m gonna give you the fucking boot! Carol: [raises voice] ‘Cause you’re swimmin’ in bitches! Frankie Mermaid: You’re goddamn right!

Frankie Mermaid: Yo, Cherry! If you stuffed dicks in your mouth like you’re doing that sandwich, I’d be a fucking millionaire by now!

Doug Jones: I don't believe you. Dinosaurs never existed, and even if they did, I don't transform into one.

Doug Jones: You're a hooker? Carol: And premed/law, but people aren't surprised as much by that one.

Carol: You think I like turning tricks to pay for college? There’s surprisingly little demand for hooker-doctor-lawyers.

Doug Jones: What is it that you'd like to confess? Frankie Mermaid: Oh, geez, I guess we could cover the last... four days? Stole candy from this baby, then I threw the baby in the river - so it couldn't snitch, obviously - then, ah, well, I pimp bitches; I do drugs, sell drugs, murder people - really, you name it, I've done it, padre.

Carol: I don’t know much about God...

Doug Jones: Father Stewart, what if I told you that I was different? Father Stewart: You're not that different. There are plenty of men like that in the church.

Doug Jones: I might be on a mission from God himself! Father Stewart: That's insane, Doug! God does not want people dead! Doug Jones: Oh, I think God wants a lot of people dead.

Father Stewart: War is war, and war is hell, and hell never changes.

HOW DIDN’T I NOTICE THAT ALTAIR IS PLAYED BY MUSICIAN VOLTAIRE!? I LISTENED TO SO MUCH OF HIS MUSIC AS A TEENAGER!!! WTF!?!?!?! THIS IS CURRENTLY MY NEW FAVORITE THING ABOUT THIS FILM!!! How am I this stupid? How did I not notice this sooner!? I’m a dum-dum. Oh my gods, that makes this movie a thousand times more perfect.

Oh my god... another sort of subtle joke that I’m not sure whether or not it was intentional (It fucking has to be... it just has to) -- there is a ninja called Choi-Min who doesn’t say a word except in a voiceover while he’s ignoring a ninja who’s talking strategy. The ninja talking strategy has Australian accent. When he says “Choi-Min” it sounds like he’s saying “Chime in”, making the name Choi-Min super punny... and I know that’s a small thing, but it made me ridiculously happy that I noticed another thing I hadn’t noticed in this film before.

Doug Jones: Your ancestors are my ancestors!

I love that Carol was dying, but she ends up in a general doctor’s office-looking place rather than a hospital. It cracks me up more than it’s probably meant to.

ESE: 98/100

50 +5 for “Rated X by an all-christian jury” -10 for blowing up Doug’s parents +10 for VFX: Car on fire +10 for the “what parents do” line +5 for the subtle Jurassic Park riff at the end of the opening credits -5 for China looking a lot like the woods behind my house +3 for mannequin head +5 for hooker-doctor-lawyers +5 for Frankie Mermaid’s confession +2 for the high-five +5 for prolonged goofy ninja laughter -5 for Vietnam also looking a lot like the woods behind my house -5 for Ali’s death +7 for Ali continuing to puff on his cigarette after death -5 for poor, sweet Adeline’s demise +5 for Altair -5 for ripping out Father Stewart’s eye +8 for the way the sex scene is edited +5 for kicking ass in their undies -5 for stabbing Father Stewart +5 for prolonged ninja laughter again -5 for neglecting poor Sam -5 for cutting Carol +5 for the ninjas crying for Carol +10 for hilarious AF dino costume +3 for re-use of the mannequin head -5 for smoking in a hospital +5 for the Chevelle

[moviesandmania]

ANIMOSITY (2013) Reviews and re-release news

ANIMOSITY (2013) Reviews and re-release news

‘The forest never forgives’ Animosity is a 2013 American horror film in which a newlywed couple moves into a house in the middle of woods. Unfortunately, the pair soon discover that the surrounding forest is host to sinister supernatural powers which turns them against each other. Written and directed by Brendan Steere (The Velocipastor; A Cat in the Forest; Dead by Dawn). The Laika Come Home…

[olvaheiner]

1x02

[flashfuckingflesh]

EVIL's Confessional Will Be Their Rex-oning! "The VelociPastor" reviewed!

EVIL’s Confessional Will Be Their Rex-oning! “The VelociPastor” reviewed!

Father Doug Jones witnesses his parent’s murder by a violent car explosion and begins to question his devotion to God. At the advice of his friend, Father Stewart, Jones travels the world to rediscover his faith, landing him in the deep forests of China where he comes in contact with an ancient, mystical artifact. His discovery is life changing, or rather physically changing, as the power of the…

[dailydaveeddiggs]

emmyraver: II FAM. II

anthony_ramos_nyc: Thank you @savetthewales, @avenueny, and @bernyce21 for giving us a great night out. Dioe exoerience coming off of the @numberproject banger. #fam #it'sMonday! #Monday? #homies

daveeddiggs: Thanks so much for having us @avenueny! We are super #lit right now. Shout to @bernyce21 and @savetthewales for the hook up. We love y'all!

bettcm: Homies. So good to see all these people last night! #hamilton #broadway #nyc #ny #friends #party #celebrate #homies

emmyraver: II THE. HOMIES. II

[collectingrafaelcasal]

emmyraver II FAM. II

[discovisiondreams]

Top 15 First Watches of 2020

I’ve never been good at staying current on pop culture, and that became especially pronounced in 2020. A year where most of the anticipated theatrical releases were pushed to VOD (and the price nearly tripled) meant that a lot of flicks I was excited for got added to the end of the “Maybe Someday” watchlist. 

But in this strange year, I did manage to watch 245 movies- and 195 of those were first-time watches. Some were new, only available on the (virtual) festival circuit. Some were Criterion mainstays, films I’m horrified to admit I hadn’t seen before. But this year, when movies cemented themself as my biggest joy, I began to really track what I watched- including a “top 5 first watches of the month” roundup for every month. These top 5s weren’t ranked, and weren’t even based on technical ability, strength of dialogue, or critical acclaim. They were just the 5 I loved the best. 

So without further ado, here are my top 15 of the year- one selected from the top 5 of each month, with some bonus entries thrown in as well. As a general rule, I only included features on this list- I was fortunate enough to catch shorts that streamed at Chattanooga Film Fest, Celebration of Fantastic Fest, and more, but to add them to the running would have made writing this listicle absolutely impossible. 

HONORABLE Honorable Mention: The Holiday. Inspired by the fine folks at Super Yaki, I finally watched this Nancy Meyers classic. Why is it two and a half hours long?! Why is that two and a half hours so significantly lacking in Jack Black?! The scenes that Black is in, though, really shine. This one is going to be a Christmas mainstay in the Disco household (and not just because I spent money on the DVD).

15: The Love Witch (Honorable Mention, April). This one came highly recommended to me by friends of all sorts, and like most of my 2020 first watches, I’m deeply embarrassed that it took me this long to get to it. Upon finally watching it, on a rainy Sunday, I described the movie in general (and the color palette, specifically) as “sumptuous,” which is one of the most complimentary visual descriptors I can bestow upon a movie. The plot felt a little convoluted at times, but I still found The Love Witch incredibly enjoyable and am hoping to explore more of writer-director Anna Biller’s filmography in 2021.

14: The Guest (Honorable Mention, October). The Guest is one of the few movies I watched multiple times this year- and the only one I watched twice in one week. From the sultry industrial soundtrack selections to the numerous visual nods to Halloween III: Season of the Witch, The guest was Extremely My Shit. The casting here is truly tremendous- especially Maika Monroe, who was similarly brilliant in It Follows. Also of note: Lance Reddick, one of my current favourite character actors. 

13: The Fast and The Furious (Honorable Mention, May). 2 Fast 2 Furious (and its bespoke theme song, Act A Fool, by Ludacris) came out when I was in the 6th grade. Do you remember the music and movies that entered the world when you were in 6th grade? Do you have an inexplicable zealous love for them? 2F2F was the only film in the Fast Cinematic Universe I had seen for a long, long time. Then I saw Fate of the Furious. Then I bought the series box set, as a joke?? And then, slowly but then also all at once, I genuinely started to love this franchise. Some of them are truly ridiculous. Some of them are genuinely bad. But the first one? The Fast and The Furious (2001)? Timeless. Point Break updated and adapted for the early-aughts, The Fast and the Furious walked so The Italian Job (2003) could run. Without The Fast and The Furious, Paul Walker would just be “the guy from Tammy and The T-Rex” to millions of casual cinemagoers. The cultural impact of The Fast and The Furious simply cannot be denied!! 

12: Come to Daddy (Top 5, July). Honestly, this is the exact flavor of bonkers bullshit I’ve grown to expect from Elijah Wood, and that is not an indictment. Wood’s genuine love for genre film is evident here, in what can only be described as an uncomfortable film of family, reunion, and redemption. The tense and abrasive first half gives way to a surprisingly relieving wave of violence and exposition in this critically-acclaimed flick. 

11: The Stylist (Top 5, September). The feature-length debut of writer-director Jill Gevargizian, based off her short of the same name, is female-led horror that pays homage to genre mainstays like Maniac and Psycho while still being decidedly singular. Not only shot in Kansas City, but set in Kansas City, The Stylist made my midwestern heart happy. This is one that I really, really would have loved to see in a crowded theater auditorium, were this year a different one. 

10: In The Mouth of Madness (Top 5, March). Despite being the beginning of pandemic awareness, March was a slow month for me, movie-wise (even though it’s not like I had anything else going on??). But I finally made time for this Carpenter classic, and I’m so happy I did. I’ve long been fascinated by stories about stories, and the people who find themselves trapped within those stories, and this one is truly, in the most basic sense of the word, horrifying. Sam Neill proves that he belongs in horror here, making his role in Event Horizon seem like a natural fit. Also a highlight: noted character actor David Warner, best known (to me) as “Billy Zane’s bodyguard guy in Titanic,” who never ever fails to be unsettling. 

9: Profondo Rosso (Top 5, April). Before this year, my only Argento exposure was Suspiria (which is phenomenal), but Deep Red goes off the deep end in all the best ways. The score (by frequent Argento collaborators Goblin) is truly groovy. The number of twists and turns the plot takes is kind of mind-boggling, but also delightful. Daria Nicolodi (RIP)  is at the top of her acting game here. This quickly became one of my beloved background movies- if I opened Shudder and Profondo Rosso was playing on one of their live-streaming channels, it stayed on while I was cleaning or cooking or paying bills. Profondo Rosso is a must-watch for those hoping to get into giallo.

8: Crimson Peak (Top 5, November). This one was definitely not what I was expecting, but it was GORGEOUS. I loved the world immediately (a Del Toro trademark, to be honest). As a longtime Pacific Rim stan, it made my heart happy to see Charlie Hunnam and Burn Gorman reunited under Guillermo Del Toro’s vision. 

7: Palm Springs (Top 5, August). I am not typically a time-travel movie enthusiast- but I am a sucker for witty repartee and Andy Samberg. This one made me ugly-cry, which I should probably be a bit more ashamed to admit. August had a lot of really great first watches, but the Hulu exclusive takes the cake due to its novel premise, some truly heart-wrenching reveals, and the amazing casting (is there anything JK Simmons cant do?). 

6: Scare Package (Top 5, May). Is there any format I love more than the horror anthology? While there have been so many over the years (Creepshow, All the Creatures Were Stirring), Scare Package might be my favourite of them all. A variety of fun and inventive stories combined with a genre-lovers dream of an overarching narrative make this one a must-see- in fact, it was the whole reason I bought a pass to this year’s online version of Chattanooga Film Fest. There’s a cameo here that absolutely knocked my socks off (and continued to do so even on repeat viewings). While the scares here are honestly minimal, Scare Package is a great love letter to the genre at large.

5: Do The Right Thing (Top 5, June). Yes, it took me until 2020 to watch Do The Right Thing for the first time. The palpable tension, the interwoven stories of Bed-Stuy’s residents, all seem timeless. Giancarlo Esposito is, as always, a joy to watch. 

4: Knives Out (Top 5, February). “It’s a Rian Johnson whodunnit, duh,” states the SuperYaki! T-shirt famously worn by Jamie Lee Curtis, star of Knives Out (2019). This one has received worlds of critical acclaim, I truly do not know what I could even hope to add to the conversation. I want more old-school murder mystery cinema.

3: The VelociPastor (Top 5, January). It should be testimonial enough that The VelociPastor beat out Miss Americana, Netflix’s Taylor Swift documentary, as the top pick for January- but in case it isn’t, let me end 2020 the way I began it; by evangelizing the HECK out of this movie. Written and directed by up-and-coming triple-threat (Director/songwriter/prolific cat-photo-poster) Brendan Steere, The VelociPastor is a true love letter to genre cinema, complete with a big wink to the criminally underloved Miami Connection. Alyssa Kempinski shines as Carol, a doctor/lawyer/hooker with a heart of gold. The VelociPastor premiered in 2019 but gained tons of attention in 2020 (thanks in part to YouTube sensation Cody Ko)- attention that it truly deserves. A sequel is rumored to be in the works, but mark my words, anything to come from the imagination of Brendan Steere will be worth a watch. 

2: Dinner in America (Top 5, October). I genuinely feel sorry for the other movies I watched in October (there were a lot) (they were all SO GOOD). Dinner in America, which I caught during the Nightstream hybrid festival, was not at all what I was expecting. While the other features were all very solidly genre flicks, this was…. A comedy? A modern love story?? I’mn honestly still not exactly sure, but I do know I loved every second of it. I laughed. I cried. I threw my hands up in the air exuberantly (in front of my laptop, looking like a true fool). I did not shut up about this movie online for weeks. I told anyone and everyone that Kyle Gallner is the most underrated actor of my generation and I still believe it! Dinner in America, the story of a punk band frontman who unwittingly takes refuge from the police in the home of his biggest fan, was an unexpectedly heartwarming tale of family, young love, and arson. Watch it as soon as you can. 

1: Promising Young Woman (Top 5, December). This last-minute debut from Emerald Fennell, originally scheduled to hit theaters in April of this year, finally made its way to the big screen on Christmas Day, and became the 2020 entry on my annual “Christmas Day Trip to the Theater” list.* Carey Mulligan is an icon and deserves all of the awards for this. The soundtrack is sublime. The casting choices are truly incredible. While I have no doubt that the general themes of the movie will be polarizing, I absolutely loved this one- I sat in my car in the theater parking lot for a WHILE, considering just buying a ticket for the next showtime- that’s how badly I felt like I needed to see it again immediately. I look forward to writing its inevitable Criterion essay.

*Nobody else in rural iowa was interested in seeing this movie at noon on Christmas Day. I’m shocked.

[brokehorrorfan]

The VelociPastor will be released on DVD and VOD in August via Wild Eye releasing. The real movie that actually exists will also have a special midnight screening at Texas Frightmare Weekend in Dallas, TX on May 3.

Written and directed by Brendan Steere, the indie horror-comedy stars Gregory James Cohan, Alyssa Kempinski, Daniel Steere, Yang Jiechang, Jesse Turits, Fernando Pacheco de Castro, and Aurelio Voltaire.

No special features are listed, but you can watch a man of the cloth turn Jurassic in the trailer below.

After a devastating family tragedy, a priest travels to China to find deeper spirituality, but instead is endowed with an ancient ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first, he is horrified by his newfound superpower, but a local prostitute convinces him to use his newfound gift to fight evil – and ninjas.

[chronivore]

Alyssa Kempinski

[jamieroxx]

★ Watch a Video of the Movie Trailer Below: ⬇ ✔ Mark your Calendars! Thursday Aug 29, 2019, on #JamieRoxx’s Pop Roxx Radio #TalkShow & #Podcast w/ Featured Guests: Brendan Steere & Alyssa Kempinski ​ (The VelociPastor / ​(#Wri, #Dir / #Actress) 2019 (#Action | #Adventure | #Comedy | #Fantasy | #Horror | #SciFi | #Thriller) LIVE at 2pm EST, 1CST, 12MST, 11am PST .. 2300 GMT UK or catch the #Podcast anytime you would like after. ☎ Lines will be open (347) 850.8598 So call in with your Questions and Comments Live on the Air. ● Click here to Set a Reminder: http://tobtr.com/11449751

Click to Watch the Video The VelociPastor - trailer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emUaCzIB1T8 Pop Art Painter Jamie #Roxx (www.JamieRoxx.us) welcomes #BrendanSteere & #AlyssaKempinski (The #VelociPastor / (Wri, Dir / Actress) 2019 Film: Action | Adventure | Comedy | Fantasy | Horror | Sci-Fi | Thriller) to the Show! to the Show! ● www.facebook.com/thevelocipastor After a devastating family tragedy, a priest travels to China to find deeper spirituality, but instead is endowed with an ancient ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first, he is horrified by his newfound superpower, but a local prostitute convinces him to use his newfound gift to fight evil – and ninjas. The Brendan Steere directed classic-in-the-making will premiere on DVD and Digital August 13 on such platforms as iTunes, Comcast, Spectrum, Dish, Vudu, Amazon, Fandango and Sling. A Blu-ray release will follow Sept 17.

[misslacito]

Tony Awards 2017

Los premios Tony han sido este pasado fin de semana y su alfombra roja se llenó de estrellas. No solo el mundo de la interpretación se ve llamado a esta entrega de premios no, también hay modelos y diseñadores. Tuvo lugar en el Radio City Music Hall de Nueva York. Y ya os avanzo que es una alfombra roja muy colorida y bastante buena. Comenzamos!

84. Keltie Knight de Rodarte.

(more…)

[supercultshow]

“In the name of Nic the Lord of War, the National Treasure, and the Holy Ghost Rider…forgive me Supercult, for I have sinned.”

“What is it my son?”

“My name is Supercult South Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in Throwing Babies in the river so they can’t snitch with a Minor in oven baking the film to achieve that aged, old look). It has been 2-weeks since our last screening and yet…VeliciPastor has been out since 2019! A film called VelociPastor has been out in the world for months and we just NOW are seeing it for Supercult!”

“This is very serious. Tell me more my son.”

“I mean, what’s there to tell, father? It’s about a Pastor who transforms into a dinosaur and fights evil…and ninjas. I don’t think the film itself has any desire to explain itself to anyone. Apparently the writer and director, Brendan Steere, got the idea for the film way back in 2010 when his phone autocorrected Velociraptor to Veloci Pastor. Really. That’s the inspiration. He was in film school and made a joke grindhouse trailer for the thing which got 45,000 views on YouTube and from then on he knew he had to make this idea a reality. Steere said in an interview, “I kept trying to write it but because I was this film school dude who loves Bergman and Tarkovsky and so on, for years I was trying to ask myself what I wanted it to say about the Catholic Church, etc. In 2016, I thought, ‘Why don’t I just throw all that away, stop overthinking it and just make it as this fun movie?’ The movie is made to be fun, and anybody looking for deeper meaning in the man-turns-into-a-dinosaur genre is probably on a fool’s errand.” So, uh, yeah, that about sums up the whole film.

“Hmm…well that is what the film is about, but how did such a holy project become a reality?”

“Well, after two failed crowdfunding campaigns, a private investor financed the film. The whole thing was made for $35,000, about the cost of a midsize SUV. The film uses mostly physical effects, something the director was inspired to do by one of his favorite film directors, Guillermo del Toro. The priest is even named Doug Jones after the actor Doug Jones who played Pan and the Pale Man in Pan’s Labyrinth.

“Man of the clawth.”

I think…this about sums it up.

“I don’t believe you. Dinosaurs never existed, and even if they did, I don’t transform into one.”

Wait, the dork from Home Alone grew up to be a ninja?!

First date goals: Dinner, Movie, Ninja fight in undies…

Call the Dragonzord!

“Welcome to the Christ-aceous period.”

“What next my son?”

“Well it got a little bit of attention after its premier in Oregon in 2017 now it’s been released on DVD and streaming, and the cult film buzz is going crazy. It has a 58% on Rotten Tomatoes, it’s blowing up on Twitter, and there’s even a far-right candidate in Spain nicknamed El VeliciPastor. In spite of all of this the film creators still haven’t seen any money from the project. Steere commented “I was talking to my Mom on the phone, and I was like, ‘This is weird. I’m influencing European politics, but I can’t afford a Subway sandwich right now.’ Like I say, it’s pretty wild.”

“We must all support our local independent film creators if Supercult is to thrive in the future.”

“Amen to that father. So, what should I do?”

“You must immediately see the film, my son. Correct your mistakes and become a better person.”

“I understand. Tonight, I’ll make sure to–AUGH! For Nic Cage’s sake, I hit my damn head on the booth.”

“You take the Lord’s name in vain my son…”

“I apologize, father. Shit…John Woo help me that hurts.”

*sigh* “Some sins…cannot be forgiven.”

“What was that Pasto—AUUGH!”

*Ripping and shredding noises*

“OH NO! SUPERCULT SOUTH IS PROUD TO PRESENT, VELOCIPASTOR! AAAAAUGHH!”

VeliciPastor “In the name of Nic the Lord of War, the National Treasure, and the Holy Ghost Rider…forgive me Supercult, for I have sinned.”