#although this year has been hard
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Beloved Husk
Here I stand in her scorched remains.
This is not the first time, nor will it be the last, and her vacant body has acclimated to my presence.
No longer do her damp, wooly tissues squelch beneath my feet-
they have long since dried out, compressed into a single mass of dull, cotton-candy pink.
In some places, her flesh has completely burned away, leaving nothing behind but blackened, splintering bone. There is no ink in the world rich enough to match the soot that clings to her skeleton.
Sun rays filter through her blown, empty eye sockets, and the daylight is no less beautiful for its thoughtless transgression.
How dare you illuminate her suffering so callously! You have made her into a spectacle- a cadaver to be prodded and studied, rather than a soul to be mourned.
My cheeks are wet, but I can't be sure if it's from grief, or the ever-present haze of smoke. The cause doesn't matter- I am weeping all the same.
#poem#poety#body horror#for anyone wondering- this is about the immediate aftermath of my house catching on fire on mothers day earlier this year#we were living in a rental house up until our house was rebuilt and we were able to move back in#the house didnt burn down per se- it was still standing. but the kitchen was completely destroyed as was most of the living room#i refused to go into the house for a little while at first because i didnt want to look at it. but i eventually did go in#and this poem is kind of a symbolic recollection of the various times i'd gone inside before they started repairs#this has been my home since i was three. although my room was opposite from the kitchen and unscathed bc my door was shut#there were still a lot of sentimental things that were destroyed.#and since the house was built so long ago it looks like a completely different place now#its not the same. and thats been kind of hard for me#i thought i was over it but my dad watched this show with a house fire scene and i had to leave the room bc i was remembering all of it#this was my way of getting some of that grief out#im not much of a writer so this probably sucks but i dont care. and maybe someone else will find some value in it
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im just sick of feeling guilty for spending money 😭😭 ..
#og#i wanna save my money so bad but the past year has been really hard on my family. lots of bad shit has been going on#and i just wanted to get stuff to treat everyone so we can have a nice holiday and to show them i love them#but now i have less money in my savings and it makes me really sad </3#im trying to save my money up to eventually get a car which will allow me to get a better job and be able to move out#although i probably wont be able to move out for another few years bc. everything is so expensive#although my mom is trying really hard to find a job even tho i really dont think she should bc she's sick. but like. we're poor#and it's even sadder bc my younger brother wants to get a job to get some money too and it's like. no please it's fine#we can handle it you don't need to help out we're okay right now#OOF SORRY FOR VENT..#next year i just really hope i'll be able to like. save my money up a lot which. idk if i can#so to make myself happy i get myself a lil treat here and there otherwise im probably gonna get depressed LOL
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oh my ... what you said about Oda using the "I want to be a man bc women are weak" trope made me think about Kuina.
I am bit upset we didnt encountered a strong swordwoman yet. I hope we will soon. Some people think Tashigi could be Kuina but that would really hurt me. She isnt near Zoro level at all. I dont want Kuina to be right.
This would be stupid.
But.
I think the best case scenario we could have, is if Zoro somehow encountered Ivankov before Mihawk, he could ask for HRT so that he could then go fight and defeat Mihawk "as a woman" and fulfill Kuina's dream for her and prove that a woman could be the strongest (and maybe get turned back into a man afterwards)
That's not how gender works of course, but Oda doesn't get it either, and I'm trying to picture the best case scenario Oda could actually give us
Because the only way Kuina's fears could be proven wrong is if both Mihawk and Zoro lost to a swordswoman at the end, and I do not think that is ever going to happen. Because the clash between Mihawk and Zoro has been like The Ultimate Goal of Zoro's whole story, so him losing to someone else would just feel bad
Like it'd be a lil dumb (from a queer POV (unless Zoro turned out to be a butch trans woman, which to be fair, valid, and I would enjoy the dudebros getting Fucking Angry About It lmao)), but like. Oda does have his issues with the gender essentialism and misogyny, and the way the chesspieces are arranged on the table right now, it's either that or Kuina's fears end up correct. And it definitely sucks
#Moon posting#Of course when thinking about Kuina's fear#Like emotionally I do think part of the point was that Kuina's gender did not have an impact on her skill despite her fears#Like yes she was afraid of being weaker because she was AFAB but just because she was afraid it didn't mean it was true#Or alternatively Oda wasn't making a statement about misogyny etc with that backstory and the ''women can't be strong'' was like for real#It's hard to fucking tell which it is#Especially because the series has changed so much over the years#IDK man#Time will tell#One Piece#Although hey remember what I said in the last post about trans people just wanting be seen as regular people etc#How it's the same person deep inside regardless of the gender presentation and they still deserve to be treated with respect#It would be interesting if Zoro was a non-dysphoric trans woman and it could help drive those ideas home#And it would force the fans to like. Respect people who've just come out/are starting transitioning#And not just the people who you've only known ''post-transition''#There was actually this video from the channel Berry For A Thought called ''Escalation and Mythology''#(''A One Piece Theory about Crocodile (also Crocomom)'')#And it went into detail about queer and trans rep in One Piece and how the representation has been slowly ''escalating''#From Kuina ''wanting to be a man'' to Bon-chan to Iva-chan to Okiku and Yamato#Suggesting trans man Crocodile could then be the ultimate stage of the escalation#But imagine if trans femme Zoro was actually the peak of the escalation#How am I slowly warming myself up to this idea#OP Meta
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anyone else play twst & genshin & also thinks that twst is nicer to them? like oh my god i’ve been pulling for kokomi for THREE fucking banners now & it’s gonna be four because i still didn’t pull her 😭 but i pull SSR’s on twst easy peasy. like literally last night i pulled riddle’s halloween. twst’s gacha is so much nicer istg
#i’ve been pulling for kokomi for over a year now this is insane#although because of her i got guaranteed xiao & wanderer on his first banner#i should’ve accepted the L for kazuha why did i fight to get him so hard#bro i wanted thoma so bad too but i pulled mika & razor instead then saved the rest for kokomi#JUST FOR HER NOT TO COME HOME#i also missed tighnari’s first & only banner because of her & i regret so bad#also if you remember i did 100 pulls for harveston epel.. i mean the gacha has gotten kinder#i pull SSR’s so easy now. back then.. rip fairy gala leona & vampire vil i’ll never pull 4 u again#twst#genshin impact
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one thing about getting sick for me is that before covid (the first time) my colds and flus and whatnot all went in a very specific pattern: i would get a sore throat for a day or two, then violently congested for three or four days, then a runny nose/drainage for three or four days after that, and finally a cough, which was my favorite part of the cold (if a person can be said to have a favorite part of a cold) because it meant it was almost over AND that the problem was largely not in my face and neck anymore. but any illness i've had since that first covid has been all over the map - either i don't get the sore throat at all, just straight into the congestion, or the sore throat happens at a different time, or longer, or worse, or i have to spit a lot because otherwise i get so nauseous from sinus drainage that i throw up, or the congestion and the runny nose happen concurrently with not just each other but ALSO the sore throat (which is what's happening right now and i hate it) and like. because it doesn't follow the pattern i spent twenty-six years of my life getting used to, i'm always freaked out. which i would be anyway because ever since i had the first covid getting sick freaks me out. and it should freak more people out if im being honest. but this is a weird one bc like. i dont know how it did that but it disrupted MY trusty sick pattern
#i say 'first covid' because even though both rapid tests were negative yesterday there's a high likelihood they were false negatives#the most likely explanation is 'my brother brought covid to christmas and three days later i also got covid'#a perfectly reasonable chain of logic that my family refuses to entertain because it would make it His Fault#and nobody wants to blame mister perfect#he's my brother and i mostly love him. but the thing with him and me is that he's two years younger than me but has always had an energy of#i dont know. maturity? know-it-all-ness which comes off as maturity? emotional stoicism? < thats it probably right there#i was always a very emotional child. and undiagnosedly autistic. so he is in some ways the eldest child. and i resent it#like. we all know he's NOT the eldest. but he takes charge of things like he thinks he is. and when i take charge of things i am...#not authoritative#anyway he's the engineer and emotionally stoic and can 'beat' any problem by simply glaring at it hard enough (he thinks) and he's like#the oldest son. and i think somewhere back in the family hindbrain where they'd never recognize or admit it . that holds weight#oldest son holds just SLIGHTLY more weight than oldest daughter#although. had i been born a boy and been exactly the same personality-wise as i am already. he would still be like this#and we would still have this uncomfortable dynamic#anyway mister special can't get anybody sick and it's probably not his fault because i come into contact with people all the time!#sure. at my much more secure workplace where i spend less than five minutes with most patrons. and a lot more people mask#versus . him a foot away from me at the dinner table sniffling into his ham. hmmmmmm. you're an engineer. you do the math
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A lot can change in 10 years--
#hes not even the same character really as when i first made him#and then i revamped him 2021 as well#but damn hes been with me for so long i cant help but be emotional over it#its really mindfucking to me how i got this game as a birthday gift for myself at my 18th bday#and now im turning 28 soon#like holy fuck how things change in that timespan.#i guess its hard not to feel like staring the passage of time in the face when looking through ieeha screens between 2014 up until now#he has changed a lot and so have i#its funny how i made him to be a short angry beef gridanian lancer#only for him to turn into an ishgardian pretty boy scholar#the temper didnt go away though (although the way it manifests changed)#hysterically i picked lancer for him cause i wanted THE most basic looking bland class to match him being bland#but then i unlocked dragoon and well. theyre everything BUT basic#and then when my main changed from drg to scholar like half a year into playing and its been my main ever since#and now im forever bewitched by pretty boy midlander scholars#i cant help it alas!!!! sue me!!!!#ieeha#ieeha de verral
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okay maybe i lied a tad bit but a few months back I went through a whole character arc of rediscovering my love for dinosaurs and other prehistory things, and that's just kinda informed my actual serious IRL art projects.
I don't usually post my IRL stuff here, but I'm willing to show the artwork/drawing for people to see.
#shallow rambles#this is probably going to be an outdated depiction in like. 15 years or so.#oh yeah its a t-rex and it's hatchling although any fossil data of t-rex hatchlings has been really hard to find let alone#find it preserved perfectly via fossilization.#shallow's irl things tag
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I quite honestly have not touched sims for screenshots in a while, I am kinda eating slowly away at screenshots I already have. I still have some, but because I can, and this game is really really pretty, have some Elden Ring.
The game I never intended to play, before someone gave it to me to test out, so 40 hours in I can say: Not my type of game, god I hate dying, but holy shit is it pretty! And the music, is on point!
🎶
#elden ring#I have basically played this#and FFXIV#and thats about it#2023 has so far been a shitty ass year#and I worked hard on just not falling into the pits I normally do#although I will admit it is very very hard#and some days#like today#I have conemplated just deleting every social media account I have#it will probably pass again#but this is why you get Elden ring#and not sims XD
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further proof facebook is over: it is 6pm on my birthday and so far ONE person has posted a message on my page
#and it is a person i did an internship with SIX years ago and never spoke to again. hm.#(plenty of other people have clearly been notified in some way and i have received appropriate messages via other channels)#anyway it is my birthday and that's fun or something#frankly the day has not been so great so far although it appears that my roommate has some assortment of treats or friends on the way#it seems that having a panic attack for apparently no reason during your morning commute will deeply fuck up the rest of your day#i'm fine now if still a little dazed but what can one do#my mom said she thinks it was the quarter life crisis hitting hard#and like am i really so predictable as to have my quarter life crisis start the very day i turn 25? ugh#rare pic of me in the wild
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AJR was right. It really doesn't seem like there's anyone for me
#not talking romance even btw. although sure yeah that too. but.#I don't know. 28 years without the kind of friendships where you casually hang out a lot#without a social network that you can see weekly.#it's not that I don't appreciate online and farther away friends. it's not. god knows they are my lifeline#but I can feel my heart growing a little more tired and a little colder every so on#and look. I go to activities and have some groups I genuinely enjoy being in#but it has to be said there are 0 individual bonds with anyone there. I enjoy the environment and physical presence of the group#but I can't call any one individual a friend. and that is hard#I know people say to find activities for shared interests and I'm sure some people find friends that way#and I have fun and new experiences but I don't. make friends. like it just doesn't happen#I don't know. I feel like I might as well wander through life as a ghost. virtually impactless#and it's fine. I'll wander through life. I'll travel to experience temporary kinship. all along I'll feel sorrow at the prospect of leaving#but in the end I will come home to an empty house and that is where one day I will die#it's just how it is. it's how it's always been. at a certain point you can't really ask for that miraculous turnaround in life anymore#nothing is going to magically shift. not when life time and time again grabs you and says this is who I am for you#you can wish and wait and hope and it will never ever be anything but this#bien rambles
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whyyyyy is there absolutely nothing i can find on how to build a quern?? i don't have the money to spend on like $150+ just to mill grain man, just show me how to wack rocks and put them together like has been done for millenia
#op#best i could find is some near illegible diagrams of the parts?? which i could only make the barest sense of#there's this one aussie guy who made a video showing like the first half of making one!!! and then apparently they moved#and he never finished it augh 😩#and i don't have access to visually take it apart. if i did i might just use it#although... perhaps the museum has one? don't recall seeing any but certainly couldn't hurt to go#i have an old coffee grinder i'll try to fix up for it but. it would be nice to try and build a rotary quern#yknow. have something actually *meant* for milling flour rather than grinding up beans for coffee#maybe this summer i can find some rocks and just fuck around and find out#i mean how hard could it be? ahahahaha :|#i wonder if regular sieves will work or if i'll need proper ones... at least those are cheaper. i can weave now too so maybe make that also#google why the hell is it so hard to find good information on something humanity has been doing for over ten thousand years
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cold as shit & freezing my ass off in this winter (But at least we made it to December.)
#dadbots.txt#starting the new month off with a sore throat & body aches due to household cold-like symptoms. Thanks. Even when I was trying 2 avoid it#and with how cold it is — permanently staying In bed forever. Like it’s physically making me curl into a crab rn oh my god it’s so cold#Which is both hell and good in both ways. Bad since I stay in bed too much anyway. Almost everyday.#Especially with chronic low energy and 24/7 fatigued. Mentally and physically. And i really gotta do better -#- and reduce that since that adds up alongside other unhealthy habits. And I can literally feel it taking a toll on me unfortunately.#But also good since I’ll be resting more often than not. It’s not something i do and so having the opportunity to rest is kinda nice?#Still. Two sides of a coin right now. And this cold is definitely not helping me or the fact it’s easier to get sick 10x more.#Back to pain relievers and heat ig.#Although with this just. Might be a cold but also not? Thing? Since not all of my sore throats are colds but overproduced mucus. Gross.#But been drinking tea like habitually to knock this out and warm blankets and stuff. Feeling better as of typing this. So thank god it’s wo#This month been… interesting to say the least. A lot of personal talk and changes that should’ve happened years ago.#But hey. You live and learn.#And I’m not mad at it. I’m making progress when I would’ve shrugged and say it’d never happen. Now it’s happening and even I’m surprised#Doesn’t mean it’ll completely override everything in my life or push stuff to the side. Though it’s better than nothing so I’ll take it.#Winter is always hard for a lot of people and I’ve been hit with it as well. Even near the holidays and all.#Been rough. And the constant realization that each month I don’t remember…. Anything. That has happened.#But also that I did a little more than previously and slowly pushing it each month. Little by little.#There’s been a drastic change from last year to now. Went through new lifestyles and experiences. Exploring different fields. Etc#So it’s been one hell of a ride anyway. And that I can sit back and be content with. Even if nothing else is currently going on yknow#December probably gonna be slow. But we’ll see. Hope to bring new opportunities fortune and possibilities along the way. Take care y’all
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pick a song for each letter of your url.
i was tagged by @toffeeplays to do this and my music taste is still as erratic as it was in the last tag game, rip. hopefully y'all can find some bops here although tbh the only veritable bop here might be shikdum since everything else is rather laid back sksksksk
h. — hello, dawda jobarteh (adele cover)
a. — aankhon mein teri ajab si, kk
l. — leila je t'aime, le marchand du soleil
l. — love me, nafla
a. — ali maula, salim-sulaiman
s. — sinner, kai
i. — inn lamhon ke daaman mein, a.r rahman
m. — maninda - the storyteller's song, moussa diallo
s. — suraj hua maddham, sandesh shandilyas.
s. — shikdum, pritam
( alternate s. — saya, sona jobarteh )
tagging @rainymoodlet, @softerhaze, @ellcrze, @pralinesims, @cinamun and @eedeeyuh, pls ignore this if you are not interested
#* mine.#* community.#* other.#* tag games.#hallasimss#ts4#ts4 simblr#tag game#( * i have had Maninda on loop since i rediscovered it two weeks ago#| there's just so much going on in that song i love it so much#| and Ali Maula has been a constant in my playlist since i watched it last year i think?#| the live version is a spiritual experience although i do think that's the point of the original song#| note to self do not play it and Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan's Tracery back to back it will do something to you#| that you will have a hard time explaining#| anyway let me stop before i get philosophical in the tags )
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having several small but very specific health-related headcanons for human connor vs not really having anywhere to put them
#he has chronic pain in his right shoulder#he's allergic to strawberries (they give him a rash on his face & neck) but he's never been anaphylactic (although allergies tend to get#worse with repeated exposure)#he had an eating disorder for several years and can still pass out if he misses meals bc his body learnt to give him Stark Warnings#his testes were retractile as a child but resolved spontaneously without surgical intervention as the vast majority of retractile testes do#he isn't iron Deficient but he often has low iron levels and occasionally will have a craving for steak etc#dust makes him sneeze but it's not bad enough he'd count it as an allergy#he was a regular blood donor for every year after he was old enough To donate blood#but had to stop when he started sleeping with Markus bc of silly anti-gay 'men who sleep with men aren't allowed' rules#which he Knows is a silly rule but he won't lie about that sort of thing because he 'knows better' he'll wait for the guidelines to adjust#he's had pneumonia three times before#whenever he gets sick he gets REALLY sick in a 'you should be in an ER' sort of way but mostly he spends those days#beneath a running shower (passed out)#he also semiregularly. ends up delirious when that sick. his fevers get High#also his mother was a redhead and he's hard to put under or to keep under anaesthetic-wise#and pain meds don't usually do a lot for him Although he also has a higher-than-usual pain tolerance#not Invincible to pain but higher-than-usual tolerance for it and doesn't notice/won't ask#if he is Asking for pain killers he is in a lot of pain.#verse information (human)
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I love being insane and rambling/loredumping for over an hour in a voice note about a niche thing in the lore/world of my nonexistent book that will probably never come up and is probably not important to the story at all that I know of because I haven't really started writing it yet besides two chapters and some snippets that were like a few years ago because I cannot be bothered to do research for a different WIP that is not even past the basic stages (the real inciting incident hasn't even happened) bc it's not a current priority before finishing the first draft that I have been working on for the last four years or the first draft of the other WIP I've been working on since the year two thousand and sixteen.
#just writer things#truly hate my brain sometimes like why am I getting trivia for a book I have barely written like 2#20K* words for like I haven't even opened the doc for it in like 8 months and I haven't actually added anything for over 2 years now so.#I don't even have any particular plans to get to it until I at least finish the 2 WIPs I'm working on rn—#which includes one I've been writing the first draft for since 2018 and a basically done first draft of a WIP from like 2016#both are missing the 3rd act bc I suck at writing cliamxes + my writing style for either books isn't suited for that so it'll take a while#like the 2016 one is at 120K words and literally only needs 1 more chapter and an epilogue so maybe like 20K more words.#there's supposed to be a big climactic battle which intersects the stories of approximately 25 named characters until the actual climax#which is another battle but more small scale but also more epic bc it's personal and magical#and I've literally already written the second battle but the buildup to the first fight is hard and so is the actual battle#then there's the WIP that's haunted me for the last 4ish years which is at 160K of an expected 200-220K and is entirely missing the 3rd act#like I have some stuff written and I did plan a structure for a bunch of the main plot stuff bc the book takes place over a strict timeline#but like the actual climax is mostly missing like I have the ending written. the ending is fully done.#I've had it written and planned for a WHILE bc it's supposed to lead into a future story and it has to happen this way#but idk how to get there just yet with a cast of almost 50 named characters to keep track of and 6 'main' plots although it's really 3#like it's a lot to balance bc I prefer writing with larger casts and just getting things done is so hard#bc I physically can't do 'write later' to stuff bc those are some of the most important interactions to me and idk how characters act if—#I don't have those written precisely. it's sort of a story about the effects of the mundane. I literally can't 'write details later' this.#and in the middle of this nightmare — a 4 month writing drought — my brain in like 'here's a bunch of shit about a third story'#god sometimes I simply hate my brain#anyway yeah lol#truly just writer things#owad#anyway guess this is me sort of pivoting back to vomiting about writing on this blog#writbelr#writblr#james rambles#James yells in the tags
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THE BASTARD FOSTER KITTEN IS PROBABLY GOING BACK TO THE RESCUE TOMORROW !!
he's a sweet and silly little guy i think he'll get adopted super fast but it doesn't mean i'm not sad to see him go :(
he's eating normally and he's no longer a goopy, skinny little mess :)
#nonsense radio#the kitten that i was gonna reccommend he get adopted with got adopted with another singlet kitten#so he might go home as a singlet kitten although maybe not#it's been a while since i was there so idk if they have any other kittens still bc the petfinder page doesn't get updated much#it might be good for him to be adopted with a slightly older cat (~1 year) so that he can work off the Bastard Kitten Energy#while still being taught some cat manners#he has really good people manners and doesn't claw or bite hard :) sweet little guy
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