#although if it is that long then that would be really neat because '10 Years' is also 31 chapters

[celestialtrolls-moved]

thinking about aelynn again

[alexissara]

What A Year For Games! Top 10 Games of 2023 For Little Lesbians Like me!

I am on and off again with video games often switching between years where I am really into games and years where I am snoozing but I started to dedicate myself to finding and sharing more sapphic art so people can stop saying it doesn't exist lead me to playing tons more games and wow I played so many fucking amazing games this year it was an extremally hard year to pick a top 10 games. Now these aren't a top 10 sapphic games, it's just the best 10 games of the year, on an objective scale because I am the goddess of this world and there for right. Not all of these games will have come out in 2023, it's games I played in 2023 why limit ones self?

These games are roughly in order by how confident I am to put them on this list but each of these games did something different than me so I wouldn't say that a game is "better" rather than what I got out of it at the end of playing felt biggest.

Stray Gods

It's a musical, it's a video game, it's Stray Gods: The Roleplaying Musical. This game is a really fun little Greek myth story telling experience with an neat interoperation of myth and the characters to provide a fun experience to people with or without attachment to the stories. The dynamic music changing to your choices is a really cool concept although I wish more of the songs were a bop. I also wish the game explored the idea of polyamory like the Greek gods were not monogamous and I see no reason I can't kiss Freddie and Persephone in the same playthrough. What is there though is still compelling, fun, and engaging with a great set of characters across the board romanceable and not.

Pokémon Emerald Rouge

Pokabbie's amazing Pokemon Rom Hack that shows the utterly wild shit possible for Pokemon experiences we could get. It's amazingly fun to do runs of Pokemon where you catch new pokemon, fight trainers and get to then recatch that species to use in later runs. It's a really great gameplay loop that really just uses what's fun about pokemon and allows for a lot of different run customization which leads to the loop not getting stale and makes it easier to find particular pokemon you want. This was my favorite Pokémon experience this year.

Street Fighter 6

Street Fighter 6 has some of the worst monetization to date in fighting games. However, despite that it provided a lot of fun to me this year playing the base game's amazing World Tour mode and in enjoying the greatly designed new characters who I hope become Street Fighter staples. All while making my favorite SF character Juri even better with new interactions, a little bit of progress to her story and more. I hope that World Tour mode encourages a lot of other fighting game devs to step up the single player experiences in Fighting games and I also hope [as seems to be the industry trend] that "modern" controls take over. It was so nice to be able to do all the special moves consistently and more easily feel like I was in control of the game rather than feeling light I was fighting my hands to move out an input.

Drums Of War

I sure do wish a Fire Emblem game came out in 2023, it's been so long since Three Houses and Hopes is amazing but not the SRPG gameplay I came to love. Well if there was a Fire Emblem game I am sure it would have ENGAGED me, wait, there was the amazing Fire Emblem rom hack Drums Of War. Parrhesia utterly killed it with this take on Fire Emblem. The heart of the story being an emotionally damaged lesbian and the dancer with a big secret who fell for her makes for an utterly captivating romance paired with a real "war is hell" story that really does it's best to show you how fucked all sides of this conflict are until the player finally gets to forge their own path forward. Roxelana and Calista would be among my most favorite Fire Emblem lords if I was ranking them alongside all the lords of the series with both characters being utterly delightful and some charming side characters too like Estrelle. The gameplay itself aired a bit on the harder side to what I like but regardless I had a great time with the majority of maps and by the end of it I think I finally managed to get with the curve of the difficulty even if I wish there was an easier mode.

Cassette Beasts

The soundtrack alone would put this game on this list but luckily it has even more than a soundtrack. The whole cast are really charming, I totally fell for Viola and the other characters all have their own special charms. The game has plenty of faults I talked about in my review of it but despite the flaws of the game basically right until the very end where it massively declined for me this was one of the best games in all of monster tamers for me. The DLC was sadly not so great that came out later in the year but I didn't mind giving the extra money to the devs when the core game was so good. The monster taming is fun, the gameplay feels flexible enough for you to find the niche you like to play in and become really good at that niche, it allows for a lot of flexibility from folks who wanna swap partners all the time to people who will find their favorite characters and monsters and stick with them. I really hope the developers keep moving forward with Cassette Beasts and making new strives forward with their concepts because of all the indie monster tamers I've played this is leaps and strides above the rest.

En Garde!

This extremally short little romp is a compelling experience that is just a little bit longer than your average modern block buster. It's a simple and sweet swash buckling game where you play as a bisexual vigilante woman with a big crush on a sexy pirate woman trying to stop the oppressor of the people's evil schemes. Each chapter is like another adventure of Zoro short and puppy, fun and with ever so slight tension but you know the hero will come up on top. It's a really good experience and it has some great accessibility features for folks with reflex issues like me to still be able to enjoy it. The music is staller, the voice acting is fantastic, it's a great package that instead of padding itself out fills every second with greatness.

Luxaren Allure

I am a massive fan of turn based RPGs, I love getting to look at menus and think about my actions, being able to multitask while I play, enjoy a big juicy narrative and so I was very happy to play a JRPG style experience that's all about lesbians. An amazingly fun concept for a JRPG plot where one woman's beloved whom she chickened out of confessing too gets corrupted by an evil power and she is tasked with being the hero to take her out. This gives the interactions and the end goal a sense of uncertainty, will this be a sad case of tragic yuri, will she find joy with someone else, will she be able to save the woman she loves from this evil power, will she submit to the evil herself to be by her side? Everything feels uncertain with just this little angle added to a fairly typical JRPG formula. All while on the side having an adorable romance between a naga and a human girl giving us the good good lesbian sweetness between the dramatic tension.

Baldur's Gate 3

I am so often the contain, the noted hater but not on this day, nay I say, it was pretty fucking fun. The game is flawed, pretty flawed, like it's got a lot or fantasy racism shit I hate, it's tied to an IP I hate, it's got so many bugs that happened on my own run but if there is one game from this list I will probably think of the most and play the most in 2024 and beyond from this year it's probably this game. The games depth of interactivity, the wide breath of options, and the mods, oh the mods, the many many many mods, this game has so much to do and will for a very long time. It's rare to get a truly great multiplayer game and this game also provides that, this is a fantastic experience for playing online with others and makes for really great runs. Then there is the romances, oh the romances are really great, the girls are all fantastic and the side queers are super brilliant too. It's just a really fun video game and it does a good job exploring trauma and different takes on abusive relationships and overcoming [or succumbing] to them.

Thirsty Suitors

What a fucking great game, while the gameplay is mostly quick time events it does an amazing job of making each aspect of the game feel distinct from each other. While skateboarding in general kinda sucks in this game the combat and cooking all feels really great. Then there is the vocal performances and writing which are all fucking stellar. It's really great to see a fully fleshed out and fully real feeling queer woman who has had messy exes of all genders and has done a lot of fucked up things in her time. Jala's road to redemption with her family and exes all feels really great and this is a special story and I realized sometime after there is some level of variance too that I could have seen if I made some different choices. It's really great and even if it's not a dating sim like I thought it might be it's still a really great little thing. Then you factor in all the cool queer brown people in this game and wow, like I felt so scene by this game like the angry mess Tyler is speaks to my little transbian heart, the high fem lesbian struggle with family that Diya has I could feel echoed in my own life, I just, wow, it was great. I am so happy this game exists and I will likely always see this among the best narratives in all video games.

The Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood

My game of the year, The Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood fucking blew me away. In a shocking twist of fate while I complained about a lot of endings this year I didn't like my original ending for The Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood either but then that drove me to go from liking the game to loving it as I ran the game again in spite of it, fueled by spite alone I felt a sense of determination, I would change my fate! This thematic fortune telling game where you make your own cards, help people or end up seeing a fate that only hurts them, I knew how to play it, I knew the systems now, I understood how the cards worked, the truth of my powers and the price I agreed to pay and I'd use all of that to make the happiest fucking story possible for Fortuna aka ME. So I dart through the game, I help the trans woman be herself and happy, I get my hot butch girlfriend, I help everyone out with their life problems crafting only the best cards possible to make sure I can give the best fates possible and then I hit the end point, the time to pay the price. I say no, the game says, you have to, I keep saying no, and then I draw my cards again and shape fate and in that I defied fate, made an ending I could be happy with, a better world for all my fellow witches, and so my story ends with my friends back by my side [probably gonna be a polycule] and a whole lot to look forward to. What a fucking experience, what a cool fucking game.

If you want to help me enjoy more art then consider checking out my Patreon or Ko-fi .and giving me a little bit of cash so I can do more of this kind of writing but also like make lots of my own art, art is hard to make and costs money and like maintain my chronically ill and trans body also takes money so anything helps, thank you.

[c-schroed]

Podcasts I Adore - Re: Dracula or This Year, Our Friend Jonathan Has a Podcast!

"I had for dinner, or rather supper, a chicken done up some way with red pepper, which was very good but thirsty. (Memorandum: Get recipe for Mina.)"

I wanted to join "Dracula Daily" ever since I heard of it. To me, this is a stroke of genius; it's just the perfect approach to this book. I mean, not only is Bram Stoker's horror classic an epistolary novel with precise dates given for every journal entry or letter written by one of its protagonists, it also spans quite an ideal amount of time, i.e. roughly half a year. Long enogh to give it a feeling of something interesting and important slowly unraveling, short enough to not feel like too much of a commitment.

So yeah, I really wanted to join "Dracula Daily". Especially because I wanted to read the novel in English for years already (so far I've only read its German translation, because that's my native language). But, alas, I do not find the time so easily to add a book to my to do list, so I ended up not joining this lovely book club last year, fearing I'd miss out on most of the entries sooner or later.

Enter "Regarding Dracula". Right after seeing it for the very first time I knew this will be perfect for me. I already have a habit of listening to audio drama on my daily commute, and preferably in the form of fictional podcasts. So quite literally, @re-dracula had me at hello.

And gosh, they did not disappoint. Although I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed to find out that the format is more that of a classical audio drama, with voice actors speaking every line of their respective character. Originally, I was hoping for a more podcast-like approach, meaning that each actor speaks all of the text of a journal entry or letter, period. As if Jonathan would make a podcast instead of notes in his journal. I simply like it when audio fiction uses the possibilities of podcasts, and "Dracula" felt like something that could profit from this way of storytelling, too. So yes, I admit it: I was a bit disappointed. But not for long.

After hearing just a few sentences of Karim Kronfli as Dracula, I immediately understood the decision to breathe life into each character this way. I mean, I love Ben Galpin's work as Jonathan, but Dracula really, really profits from Kronfli's nonchalant but still breathtakingly powerful and confident take on this charakter.

And Mr. Kromfli is not the only one who makes a redefiningly marvellous job here. So far, all the voice actors go far out of their way to make me fall in love with each and every one of them: Ben Galpin's Jonathan is heartbreakingly relatable, Isabel Adomakoh Young's Mina is capable and charming beyond measure, and Beth Eyre's Lucy is just gorgeous. Yes. I'm in love.

In addition to all that talent of its cast, "Re: Dracula" also has a neat and absolutely on point score and sound design. And, just like the basic idea of "Dracula Daily", it really gives you a feeling of how time passes between the journal entries and letters. Haven't heard anything of Jonathen for a while? One does start to worry a bit. Lucy answering to Mina just two days after the Mina's letter? Wow, that was quick, I guess (not sure how quickly the postal service worked back then, though). Even if one has read "Dracula" again and again, I am sure this form of presentation can grant new insights!

So, if you, like me, are a more eager listener than reader, or if you happen to like close-to-perfection audio drama, then please give this a shot! I bet you, like me, will soon be finding yourself eagerly, yearningly awaiting the next bit of news from your good friend Jonathan, who hopefully soon returns from that terrible business trip of his. 9 out of 10 points.

[186-3]

How would you rate Virginia as a state?

okayokayokay SO this rating shall be divided up into the five factors that i care about: politics, culture, nature, urban, and transit

politics rating: 7/10 virginia is actually really fun politically. first of all, it holds its major statewide elections in off years, leading to an absolutely absurd amount of swinginess that most states don't get (which is why it's fairly blue in presidential/senate races, but the governor's mansion is controlled by republicans, and both the state house and state senate are competitive) this also means that virginia is a fun state to stare at on election days where most other states are doing nothing at all. it's also got one of the wonkiest rules of any state: no governor can serve two consecutive terms. that means that every gubernatorial election can have contested primaries and a contested general election.

the major downside to virginia politically is that the only time they voted for a republican in recent years was for a guy primarily running on anti-trans panic: the current governor, glenn youngkin. on the flip side, though, they have a transgender state senator who regular runs in competitive elections: danica roem, who is really cool.

culture rating: 4/10. from what i can tell, virginia is a suburb state. from the suburban sprawl of nova to the suburban sprawl of virginia beach/chesapeake to the suburban sprawl of henrico county, a lot of virginia lives in suburbs. and suburbs don't tend to have very interesting culture from what i can tell, although this is very much an outsider's view.

the rest of virginia, though, seems cool. western and appalachian virginia, despite being chock-full of things named for confederates, seems fairly culturally rich. as do richmond, charlottesville, newport news (ships! ships are cool) and norfolk.

that being said, i don't know very much about virginia's culture, and maybe there's a reason for that. i don't know, though - take my opinion here with a grain of salt

nature rating: 8/10 appalachian virginia and the shenandoah area sure are pretty. chincoteague and assateague islands are also cool, i guess. the chesapeake bay is neat. actually, i take that back, the cheaspeake bay is awesome. it's absolutely massive, ridiculously shallow, drains the susquehanna and potomac rivers, and (don't quote me on this i'm kinda just guessing here) functions as a gigantic estuary. which is actually pretty amazing.

i was actually gonna rank virginia lower in nature but i bumped it up because chesapeake bay slaps.

urban rating: 6/10. nova is pretty suburban but it's got arlington. arlington is cool. arlington has big buildings and high density. yay, arlington. i think alexandria does, too, so yay for those places (arlington isn't a city so i can't say those cities, but you know what i mean)

hampton roads is super underrated, so long as we pretend virginia beach doesn't exist. norfolk seems really cool, and newport news seems pretty awesome also (did i mention ships????). chesapeake doesn't. that being said, the area has waaaaaayyyy too many highways for a mid-sized urban area (64! 264! 664! 464! 564! are we done yet?).

richmond also has way too many highways for a midsized urban area. downtown seems cool, but also, highways. and more suburban sprawl. henrico county, what is a "short pump?"

and then there's the other two major cities: charlottesville and roanoke. charlottesville is a college town, and i've heard it's nice. it also doesn't have too many highways. good for charlottesville.

i know absolutely nothing about roanoke. it's just one of those cities that exists. but it gets points for existing, and also for not having too many highways (but it's not as good as charlottesville in that regard, at least)

there are other cities in the state which i'm not going to mention because they are too small to count, or they are part of nova.

transit rating: 8/10. this state has a surprising amount of transit. amtrak hits all of the major cities (sorry virginia beach, you're not a major city) with fairly regular service at that, so it's not that hard to get around in the state by train - as long as you want to go to/through dc. it's also the northern end of the auto-train - taking cars off of I-95 (literally! it's a train that carries cars from nova all the way to florida!) since 1971.

it's also got the orange, yellow, silver, and blue lines of WMATA's metro covering a decent chunk of nova, bringing rapid transit from alexandria all the way into loudoun county! and you don't even have to go into DC to get between these places! isn't WMATA awesome?

and the tide! those nimbys in virginia beach preventing you from breaching its unholy borders do not take away from the fact that norfolk has a light rail line! and it has a cool name, too!

and then there's VRE.

for as good as WMATA's metro is, DC's two commuter rail systems SUCK. MARC, on the maryland side, isn't great. but VRE is worse.

8 trips a day in either direction. that would be fantastic if this was amtrak, but this is supposed to be commuter rail.

and commuter rail, it is - as long as you take commuter rail extremely literally. wanna take a day trip from DC to fredericksburg? sorry, all the trains from DC to fredericksburg run in the afternoon, and all the trains from fredericksburg to DC run in the evening.

you can take a day trip from DC to manassas, though - if you're willing to catch a 6:35 AM train from union station.

VRE is designed exclusively to serve suburban virginians who work in DC. in other words, it's not very good.

that being said, virginia's other transit plusses even it out - even without the hampton roads area's fairly extensive bus system, or richmond's actual BRT line. virginia's actually a half-decent state for transit.

overall rating: 6.6/10. pretty good, actually! maybe this will get bumped up if i learn more about virginia culture.

either way - please ask me about more states!!!! i love talking about this kinda stuff!!!!!!

[dandylion240]

OC Deep Dive Questionnaire Tag

A set of 20 questions to get to know your OC!

Thanks for the tag @bool-prop

I decided to do this for Josie O'Neil, a next gen sim and one of my favorites.

What uncommon/common fear do they have?

Her biggest fear is losing someone she loves. She knows death is a fact of life but she doesn't want it to be due to something she did or could have prevented.

Do they have any pet peeves?

People who never apologize even when they know they're wrong.

What are 3 items you can find in their bedroom?

Cell phone, Yellow Roses and a picture of her dragon. All three are on the nightstand beside her bed.

What do they notice first in a person?

If they're kind to other people. She takes special notice of someone who holds the door open for someone or offers to help when someone is in need.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how high is their pain tolerance?

Her personal pain tolerance is quite high, like around a 7 or 8. It's the pain of others she has a difficult time coping with. As an empath she tends to take on other's emotional pain as her own and it sometimes overwhelms her.

Do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure?

It depends. She tends to flee from a fight if it's for herself but if it's for someone she's close to she's more apt to fight. She doesn't like to fight but she will if it means defending someone.

Do they come from a big family/are they a family person?

The Reagan family is a huge but her particular family unit isn't that big. Just her parents and adopted brother. So quite small by Reagan standards.

What animal represents them best?

Goldne Retriever - she's playful, affectionate and loyal.

What is a smell that they dislike?

She likes most flowers but she can't stand the scent of marigolds.

Have they broken any bones?

No broken bones but she has sprained her ankle a few times.

How would a stranger likely describe them?

They would probably say she's naive, selfless and an easy mark.

Are they a night owl or a morning bird?

She's a morning bird. She loves getting up early and working on her farm.

What is a flavor they hate and a flavor they love?

She loves citrus fruit, oranges, lemon, limes although she doesn't really like grapefruit. She doesn't like cabbages, especially cooked cabbage.

Do they have any hobbies?

Gardening, horseback riding, long strolls in the woods taking pictures of the world around her. She's a simple girl who likes the simple things in life.

Boom, surprise birthday party! How do they react to surprises?

She get's embarrassed. She doesn't like being the center of attention. She'd rather spend her birthday volunteering at the homeless shelter with her dad or hanging out at the animal shelter.

Do they like to wear jewelry?

Yes. She has her dragon earings her parents gave her one year for christmas even though they're more than ten years old. She has the necklace that Hayle gave her that wears all the time. And one day perhaps a ring a certain dragon gives her.

Do they have neat or messy handwriting?

It depends what it's for. If it's meant to be read by someone else than she makes sure it's neat and legible. If it's just for her than it tends to be messy and she often has to guess what some of the words are if it's been some time since she wrote it.

What are two emotions they feel the most?

Love and contentment - but it does take a while for her to get to this point.

Do they have a favorite fabric?

She has a favorite snuggly blanket but she doesn't know what it's made of. She just likes it because it's soft and perfect to snuggle on the sofa with a good book.

What kind of accent do they have?

None.

Tagging: @wannabecatwriter @mahvaladara @stargazer-sims @rebouks @lynzishell @anamoon63 @kimmiessimmies

[mk-writes-stuff]

OC Deep Dive

Rules: answer the questions for an OC

Thanks @illarian-rambling for the tag! I’ve been debating on who to answer this for for a while but I think I’m going to do it for Cassie. One of her big scenes is coming up and I want to work with her a bit more

What uncommon/common fear do they have?

Cassie’s primary fear is that someone will pick her out as a clone (which I think is pretty uncommon though understandable). She’d do anything to avoid getting caught

Do they have any pet peeves?

Belladonna

In all seriousness though, her biggest pet peeve is people with sticks up their asses who take stupid things too seriously but can’t bother to see the big-picture issues. So, Belladonna, although she’s getting better

What are 3 items you can find in their bedroom?

Cassie doesn’t have much in her bedroom since she doesn’t own much. She has spare clothes, a spare eye patch, and the odds and ends she’s tinkering with for her new hand in there

What do they notice first in a person?

How dangerous they might be. Like whether they’re being threatening (or just being a noble)

On a scale of 1 to 10, how high is their pain tolerance?

10/10. Cassie chopped her own arm off in a door on purpose and kept going on her escape attempt. She has nerves of steel

Do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure? (or freeze and fawn)

Fight. You put too much pressure on Cassie, you will get punched

Do they come from a big family/are they a family person?

No and no. Cassie considers herself as having no bio family - Cassiopeia clones are kept isolated enough that they can’t really form familial bonds, so Cassie doesn’t consider them her sisters, or the Stellaris clones her brothers. She has no real interest in forming familial bonds either, although she has a close friendship with Nellie

What animal represents them best?

Cassie gives me feral cat vibes. She will scratch you

What is a smell that they dislike?

Blood. She’s not squeamish per se, but it reminds her of Sixth Station

Have they broken any bones?

I actually haven’t thought about it. I’m sure she’s broken ribs once or twice, probably not much else (assuming you don’t count her chopping her arm off)

How would a stranger likely describe them?

“Yeah, I met this girl today. I think she’s the bodyguard for one of the nobles? Super buff, could absolutely break me in half. Gorgeous hair although she doesn’t look like she takes care of it, I wanted to sit her down and brush it for her. I think she must’ve been in one of those power depot disasters a few years back, because she’s missing an eye and an arm - and I didn’t think ‘metal arm’ would be my type, but I think she might’ve changed my mind. I got her number, though, so here’s hoping.”

This is from the POV of a background character named Leila who Cassie flirts with in book 1

Are they a night owl or an early bird?

She gives off night owl hates-getting-up vibes but she’s actually an early bird. She likes getting up to get a workout in before she starts her day

What is a flavour they hate and a flavour they love?

Cassie hates nutrient cubes, although whether “cardboard” is a flavor could definitely be debated. One of her all-time favourite flavours is blueberry

Do they have any hobbies?

She doesn’t have a ton of time because she works a job with long hours, but she likes working out. She also enjoys watching trashy sitcoms

Boom, surprise birthday party! How do they react to surprises?

I think she’d honestly be flattered. She’d get startled, but I doubt she’d actually go as far as punching any of her friends, and she’d like the party, although I think she’d be confused as to how they know her birthday, because she just kind of picked one at random for her ID and honestly doesn’t remember what it is

Do they like to wear jewelry?

Nope. It’s expensive and not her style

Do they have neat or messy handwriting?

Cassie is illiterate :)

What are the two emotions they feel the most?

Annoyance and glee. She’s so tired of nobles and their bullshit but she can’t help but be delighted at the trappings of being rich

Do they have a favourite fabric?

Probably cotton. It’s nice and comfy and breathable

What kind of accent do they have?

I am terrible at accents. I genuinely do not know. I’d love to know how y’all interpret Cassie’s accent if you have an idea

This was a fun game! I love obscure OC questions, they always make me think :)

@ominous-feychild @autism-purgatory @somethingclevermahogony would y’all like to play? Blanks are below the cut

What uncommon/common fear do they have? Do they have any pet peeves? What are 3 items you can find in their bedroom? What do they notice first in a person? On a scale of 1 to 10, how high is their pain tolerance? Do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure? (or freeze and fawn) Do they come from a big family/are they a family person? What animal represents them best? What is a smell that they dislike? Have they broken any bones? How would a stranger likely describe them? Are they a night owl or an early bird? What is a flavour they hate and a flavour they love? Do they have any hobbies? Boom, surprise birthday party! How do they react to surprises? Do they like to wear jewelry? Do they have neat or messy handwriting? What are the two emotions they feel the most? Do they have a favourite fabric? What kind of accent do they have?

[cinamun]

TAGGED by @simmerstellar ! Thanks friend!

Come get to know me y'all!

1. What’s your favorite sims death? I haven't had a sim die from anything other than old age in a HOT minute but I saw a LP and the murphy bed death seems so unecessarily violent lmfao.

2. Alpha CC or Maxis Match? BOTH! I consider my style Maxis Mix. We love a nice combo of both.

3. Do you cheat when your sims gain weight? Not anymore but at one point I had to. Let me explain: I don't know if it was a glitch but like after every meal with grannie's cookbook, Indya would gain weight instantly. Didn't happen with anyone else (although everyone else are athletes of some sort). She's always and forever thick but something was definitely up with the food mods I was using. Anyway, we're good now since I'm not playing her HH exclusively anymore.

4. Do you use move objects? Absolutely. Its too restrictive! Gotta play test when I do though because routing errors make me irrationally angry.

5. Favorite mod? Wickedwhims. I don't care! If I want my sims to get freak-nasty I have a blog for that and WW never fumbles. If I want them to do cute little intimate things, WW is there. If you don't like the smut, I feel bad for you son.

6. First expansion/game/stuff pack you got? I've gotten pretty much ever iteration of this game except for almost all of the kits and the star wars pack.

7. Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or LIVing? ALIVE. I don't understand the other one honestly lol. We're going LIVE as soon as I press play so....

8. Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made? Obvs Indya Drake!

9. Have you made a simself? Yes! But she needs help lol I'm not good at that at all so there's a resemblance but she doesn't really look like me. When I do gameplay with her I say she's my "sorta-kinda self sim" lol

10. What sim traits do you give yourself? gloomy, neat, loner, romantic

11. Which is your favorite EA hair color? Black but like BLACK Black, not the BLUE Black lol.

12. Favorite EA hair? All of the afro textured ones.

13. Favorite life stage? Young adults.

14. Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay? Gameplay mostly stories but I love to decorate!

15. Are you a CC creator? I will recolor the shit out of something! That's about it lol

16. Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad? All my mutuals and anyone who reads my story! #Squad

17. What’s your favorite game? The Sims 4 is the only game I play. Don't @ me.

18. Do you have any sims merch? Nope.

19. Do you have a YouTube for sims? Nope, but I have been asked to make a channel and got that far at least. No videos lol.

20. How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing? If anything, less alpha and more maxis match.

21. What’s your Origin ID? [redacted]

22. Who’s your favorite CC creator? All of the ones that do it for FREE and for the love of the game. I donate too because I understand its not easy, but also not worth a month long paywall or conveniently forgetting to publicly release something.

23. How long have you had a simblr? 2015 are my earliest posts I think.

24. How do you edit your pictures? Gshade and Photoshop Elements 2020

25. What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far? Cottage Living is the goat IMO even though I don't play it much anymore. I do very much enjoy Island Living and Growing Together will round out a nice top 3.

26. What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next? I haven't really thought about it. I just figure the sims 4 is nearing the end of its era and we're gonna start hearing about project rene more and more.

oh! tagging @shesthespinstersimmer @bridgeportbritt @iplaysims4 @beebeesiims @thegloomiestwhim @hazelminesims @therichantsim @omgkayplays @softerhaze @crsentfairy

please ignore if you don't do these or already did this!

[seregios-seer]

Monster Review: Najarala

(I’ll also be instantiate by a new rule here that any monster with subspecies/ wildly different fights from game to game will get the long post cutoff after base monster intros)

Snaky Jakey here is a funny one. This guy was one of the monsters that blew ten year old men’s mind when I first saw his intro cutscene. Najarala still defines the primal forest to me even now. It’s the first time Monster Hunter had a proper snake monster, but thank god not the last. The coloring on Najarala really strikes me sometimes, the muted tones still coming off vibrant in contrast to the fins (plates? Spines?) on its neck. I must say I have a weird outlook on this one, since I really like the design but it somehow still comes off as middling for me, and I’m not really sure why.

4U (IG): The actual fight with Najarala is just as unique as the snake itself. The most unique attack of his (that he really likes doing in my experience) is his coil. He makes a wide circle around you, and slowly pulls closer before bursting upwards in an inescapable burn. Requiring hunters to either find the gap in his loop or dive is really neat, but as a Glaive main I never actually had to deal with this attack. The second big thing Najarala has is the scale launch. The massive tail scales he launches from his tail being able to explode due from a follow up screech is really unique, although once again I never really found much difficulty in this, although the detail of being able to destroy the scales is not lost and very much appreciated. The biggest issue by far comes from the lunge and sliding attacks at the Najarala’s disposal, and are about 8/10 hits I take from this one. Despite this, I was well into master rank before I ever realized some of the bite lunges could inflict paralysis. Not sure how tbh.

GU (Various): This fight's a lot like the 4u edition, but it certainly feels like paralysis bites are more frequent in this one. When played against hunter arts, and I used a lot of diffferent ones against this one, it becomes a really short fight tbh. Najarala flees less, and doesn't seem to have the burrowing attacks like in 4u, which were already somewhat rare already. I'd usually manage a kill before the bastard even leaves the area more often than not, so I'm overall kinda shocked how much easier this fight is.

Rating: 7.7/10

Much like his biggest attacks, the design just doesn’t hit for some reason (still soo good though).

Tidal Najarala:

So it took me a looong time to hit G rank in 4u (I was an idiot kid when I first got the game, ok?) and when I finally did, the new monster subspecies felt so refreshing and unique, and this beautiful, glorious freakshow-colored reptile is right up there for me. The colors and the elemental effects really bump my personal opinion of Najarala as a whole. Plus the coloration and status given to being a G rank monster really lands the whole "exotic" aspect for me.

4u (IG): This fight is by far faster than the baseline Najarala, and that obviously bumps the difficulty quite a bit. The amount of slam attacks I got hit by really skyrocketed in this fight. It was a bit of a coin toss on whether it felt balanced or unavoidable, but more often than not seemed like my bad. The addition of a spit attack for instilling water blight really gave some ranged ability to this fight, although Tidal tends to do wide tail sweeps compared to the small swipes of the baseline species. One of these sweeping attacks is actually the pin attack Tidal uses, which I hate purely because it makes no damn sense. If you're hit on the right, why would you ever go flying perfectly forward? But that's really more a stupid peeve of my own than anything, and overall the fight is still really fun, even moreso than the base species after you acclimate from your first attempt.

Rating: 8.6/10

Preddy colors... so cooool...

[pinkrangersarah]

Okay so about your Max post I’m also a kid who was neglected a lot myself and I’ve always headcanoned Max was neglected. He’s not necessarily shattered by like, physical abuse, but rather he’s strained and seems to have given up on his parents slowly over a long period of time like a victim of neglect. CPS tends to look at abuse more than neglect and don’t step into a sad amount of neglect cases just because a kid may not have bruises or whatever, and that could very well contribute to how Max feels about authority. His parents were foolish to think they could handle him and see his entire existence as a mistake on their part, so he has zero respect for his parents since they didn’t do their job, yet the governmental systems meant to protect him also didn’t do it’s job. Why would David be any better?

Hello there! I'm sorry to hear about the neglect you faced, and I hope that you are in a much better, healthier environment now and are doing well.

I agree with your sentiments, especially your input on Max's view on adults and authority figures! You're also on point about CPS. They're unfortunately very picky about what they consider "abuse"; my roommate is even currently in that situation with them, having called CPS on his ex-girlfriend several times because of her neglecting their son (on top of other things) but CPS not actually stepping in due to their being no physical signs of abuse (i.e. bruises, malnutrition). It is a very broken system, and I can see that being a big part of why Max is so cynical towards many adults and authority figures.

As for David, it's been a long-term headcanon of mine that Max finds it incredibly difficult to accept that not everyone (namely adults) is a piece of shit, but I guess that could be considered canon with "I refuse to believe someone as happy as you could possibly exist". At 10 years old Max is already pessimistic and cynical enough to believe that David A) will prove him right and he's not the person he pretends to be and B) ultimately let him down, like every other adult in his life has.

A small part of me is kind of disappointed that the subject of Max's parents are never brought up again after Parent's Day. I suppose they don't really need to be, but it would be interesting to see how his home life has affected him in other ways, if it has at all. Maybe Mr. Honeynuts could get a backstory. The bear is most definitely a comfort object and it would be neat to see how Max came to receive it (although I do have headcanons about that, too, lolol).

[gamergirlboy]

January 2024 Game Diary

Dredge

Alan Wake’s American Nightmare

Fishing Vacation 

Quantum Break 

Nightmare Frames

Dredge

Dredge is a game I picked up in the winter sale of last year as part of the indie game kick that I’ve been on. I saw “horror” and “fishing” and was like yeah, that’s for me. I did like it quite a bit but I found the story bits a little… underwhelming. It wasn’t bad, just pretty typical for anyone who likes “ocean is full of horrors” type media. The NPCs are all foreboding with their talk of “things happening at night” and whatnot, and I was like cool, stuff happens, yeah it’s a horror game (I’ve played so much survival horror over the past few hours so I may be a bit desensitized). I did like the ship customizing a lot, and the drawings of all the fish I found were delightful. I also enjoyed plundering shipwrecks for treasure, although most of what I found was the same junk over and over. That did make the relics I found that much more exciting, so maybe that’s not a terrible thing. Stellar Basin was easily my favorite section, although it took me some time to figure out what I was meant to do, mostly because I didn’t figure out how ship upgrades worked until I had spent a few hours wandering around with the standard engine. The glowing fish and algae combined with the large creature looming underneath kept me intrigued enough to power through until I figured out how to keep the creature from attacking me. Overall I would say I liked it! It’s a neat little game that could’ve used more content, but for the price I would say it’s worth it if you’re looking for cozy horror. 7/10 

Alan Wake’s American Nightmare 

I became a bit of an Alan Wake superfan last year around February when I decided to play the first Alan Wake game on the assumption that the game was kind of bad but funny. I streamed it in discord to my friends and we enjoyed the dated expressions of the characters and the low budget Twin Peaks experience that the town of Bright Falls provided. It ended up having more points in its favor than I expected - it takes place in the Pacific Northwest - which works so well for me in terms of horror -, the characters are genuinely lovable and funny (Barry, not Alan really he is a bit of an asshole), and exploding the darkness with the flashlight was satisfying if not a bit tedious after a few hours. So I played this game, then Alan Wake 2, then Control… and now I love the Remedyverse, the universe that connects all these games. 

THIS game kind of sucks, but because this company apparently owns my ass now I played it anyway. It is short, and the premise of the game is you’re basically playing a monster of the week groundhog’s day episode. As someone who has watched X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Supernatural, I consider this trope tried and true. Alan Wake wakes up in Arizona and has to figure out how to defeat Mr. Scratch and escape the loop. Every character in the loop is a conventionally hot woman, one of which is hypnotized and actually tries to fuck Alan. It’s pretty crude and sexist, but unsurprising from an older game. It does manage to encapsulate the Remedy charm despite its shortcomings, with television sets and projectors spread out throughout the levels showing snuff films of Mr. Scratch himself committing evil deeds while negging Alan. This was easily my favorite part, and you can see how Remedy had begun experimenting with live-action film in video games long before Control and Alan Wake 2 came out. I think if you absolutely love the Remedyverse this game is worth playing, especially because you can pick it up for a few bucks in a sale. Is it a masterpiece? Absolutely not, but I don’t regret playing it. 5/10 

Fishing Vacation 

I bought this game for the same reason I bought Dredge - it was tagged as fishing and horror on steam. It was also $1.99, and somehow even shorter than AWAN. I had a good time playing this for the 2 hours it took me to get 4 out of 5 of the endings, but it really is a bite-sized game. In the style of a very simple gameboy advance game, you and a childhood friend of yours go to visit a fishing cabin that you used to visit as children. You go fishing. Weird things happen. Whether you find the three keys hidden in the lake and open the basement up or not changes the ending. It’s cute, it’s an alright game. If you feel like playing something a little weird for 20 minutes to an hour I’d say go for it. I don’t even feel comfortable giving it a rating because of its shortness, but I will say playing shorter games has been nice because it allows me to appreciate the tiny studios that produce them. There is a special type of creativity behind these microgames that I can appreciate. I played Iron Lung last year and while this game isn’t quite as good, I did enjoy the creepiness in the same medium I experienced games in as a young child. 

Nightmare Frames

I am new to point & click games. Last year I finished my very first p&c game, “The Excavation of Hob’s Barrow”, and I bought this game immediately after because I was craving more. This one did not disappoint me - the second time around anyway. I started playing it immediately after Hob’s but lost interest due to how different it was. A few months later I picked it up again when I was bored and found that it was actually a pretty solid game. I like p&c puzzles and these did not disappoint. The story is better than I expected, the character development is solid, and the visuals work well for me. It takes place in 1980s Hollywood, and funny enough you are playing as a writer named Alan who has become disillusioned with his career as a horror writer and craves fame. He resents the work he has done despite being beloved by many of the people he encounters. He wants more, and that desire ultimately leads him down a dark path. Would recommend to horror p&c fans, 8/10! 

Quantum Break 

This game is also kind of sort of in the Remedyverse (Remedy no longer owns the rights). I realized I had a code for it on my Humble account and figured if I already own it, I might as well give it a shot. It is an action game, with episodes of a real TV show slotted between each chapter. It’s kind of fun! It is very weird! I like the parkour, I like the romance between Jack and Beth, and the fact that it is a video game that feels exactly like a 2010s cop drama (I’m thinking of Bones) is neat. The episodes were well done for a video game for sure, but they did not especially capture me. I wanted to keep playing the game! The shooting and time powers Jack has were what I was enjoying, and I didn’t want to stop doing that to watch what was happening in the background. Also the graphics are more impressive than you’d expect. It really feels like Xbox put more stock into this than they should’ve (I could not get over how expensive looking this game is), because I really cannot fathom who this game was actually made for besides freaks like me who want to soak up every drop of the Remedyverse, but I liked it for what it is. I think because it’s so weird - the random Night Springs episodes for example, or the fact that it feels so much like you’re in a tv show - feels like it would not really appeal to the average gamer. It seems like a game that wants to be a lot of things. 

I would not spend $40 on it, but I would say it’s worth playing if you love all things Remedy. 6.5/10 

[hellcatinnc]

Our Private Home Room Game Review

Includes Spoilers....(Love365 App)

Shuya Komaki

He is super strict at school and like a big brother telling you what to do when your at his house. Gets a bit annoying but you can tell they grew up together he also has his softer sides along the way its just catching them. Like you can tell he cares from the moment he runs back into you after years not being in touch. He has some of the sweetest moments that make me want to cuddle him. Omg as things get closer between you and you talk about old times you find that both of you are like totally on the same page. Like its too damn cute... he really cherishes his sweet girl thats been part of his world and heart forever. Honestly I think I saw him being in love the moment he saves you that night soon as he saw you all his feelings flooded through. I will say this much though he is very attentive like even to the point of making sure your hair is dry, when your right out of the shower even gets the towel and dryer himself to do it for you. Its sweet and endearing in itself though.

I honestly wasn't sure I would like him but he grew on me with his sweet sentimental things he would do. Like when he would stare at you in class in the middle of the test or smile with his eyes as he walks past your desk. He takes forever to give into his feelings to tell you because he is worried about what others may think or that he could hurt you but when he finally tells you how he feels you know he is the only man in the world that matters from that point on. There is even a point where its a love triangle between him and your other best friend. This man really is wonderful and feels more real than the other two and I loved each story but he was the one I thought I would like the least and he won my heart over the most.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ryota Mochizuki

This man took me by surprise for someone who seemed to be all prim and proper mr perfect teacher. He cared about his students but not too much until circumstances changed and then he would go through hell to save this one girls future as well as her life from a stalker. He even admits at one point because he let himself fall it made him a bad teacher and he failed his students however he would cook and take care of you any way he can. He was willing to even quit his job, and fight with the principal to keep it where you can have your dreams even if he has to give up his to do it. He never thought anyone could love him because although everyone sees the clean neat side of him at school he hates to clean and his room is a nasty mess. The moment he hears another person say they love him he is all in his heart is forever yours. I love that he loves to joke around often and honestly felt like the perfect non perfect guy if that makes sense. .

Like it was nice to see how he was so relaxed yet when he needed to be he was dominate and protective. He spoils you with your favorite meals, candy for a sweet tooth, and just love and care. He has a bit of a naughty side sadly you never get to see much of it even in the seductive side which sucks cause I feel like he might be pretty sexy in the bedroom. I would love to see more of him and plan to read more of his story. What I got of him was main story only but damn is this man sexy. He is also very caring like when someone tries to force their way on to you he stops them but then holds you like he has never hold you before. It doesn't take long to realize he has fallen in love as well. This guy is my favorite from the series and there is only 3 guys anyways.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yohji Furuya

Oh my this man is sexy and sweet in all the right ways. He ends up being your lost love from 10 years before and that story makes this all the sweeter. He loves to joke around even with flirty jokes and even though you don't find out until the end that he called you kid and all and tried to divert you that he had no interest in you when all along he had been in love with you since he was a kid. Yes its a lot of lines crossed with him her teacher and her a student but if they have known each other before all that can that really even be counted anymore. Anyways you could tell he had a good heart from the start however was nice seeing him let you in all at once in the end.

I wish it had ended on a more seductive spot because between all the flirting he was dishing out over the time, even though he would say he was joking he really wasn't. The point being to get the seductive ending and he is your first kiss in the story. That being said never went past that when I expected like some heated up scene of they waited 10 years and couldn't wait to rip each others clothes off and make love all night. Instead I just got a simple kiss at the end of this. It is a good love story and love interest just hard to be my favorite due to that though.

[traditionalfemininewoman]

Pie Baking Advice

People have a misconception that because glass is a poor conductor of heat it doesn’t make for a good pie pan. But throughout my many decades of baking, I’ve found that not to be the case.

Although metal pans conduct heat better, glass more than makes up for that because it is clear, so radiant energy can pass through the pan and help the crust bake. Metal and ceramic pans impede this.

That means that although glass takes slightly longer to reach the same temperature as the oven, it cooks crusts faster and darker. This is why many cookbooks suggest lowering the oven temperature by 25 degrees when using glass, so the filling can catch up.

The downside with glass, is that it’s more slippery than metal, making it easier for crusts to shrink and slouch, even when secured with pie weights.

Easy solution: Add a touch of baking powder to the dough. It helps the crust expand into the pie plate, which is good no matter what your pie pan is made of.

Personally, I like glass because I hate guesswork. I like to see I’m getting the color I want. But, you can make a great crust in any pan as long as you start with a good dough.

So how to choose a pan? If you want more control and don’t mind a little shrinking (or if you are comfortable experimenting with baking powder), go with glass. If you would rather give up control of the color for a neater shape without altering your dough recipe, choose metal. Ceramic pans make the prettiest presentation, though they are the slowest to bake.

Maybe the better question is: what is your pie priority?

Pre-Baking Dilemma

Should you, or should you not, bake a pie crust before you slip the filling into it?

The question stirs up such a quandary that Dorie Greenspan, a prominent cookbook author and one of the owners of a newly hatched New York cookie company called Beurre and Sel, can’t quite figure out how to answer it. “This is a big issue,” she said. “It’s huge. This is really a problem issue.”

Purely from the standpoint of flavor and color and texture, the simple answer is yes: pre-baking a crust crisps it up and helps prevent it from going soggy when it comes in contact with the filling.

Then you’re ready to pour in the filling (which, in the summer of Ms. Greenspan’s dreams, would be blueberries). You add a top crust before a follow-up stretch in the oven.

But here’s the catch: In spite of all that, Ms. Greenspan usually does not bake her crust in advance. To affix that top crust, you have to use a sleight-of-hand, moistening the rim of the pre-baked bottom crust and getting the raw dough of the top crust to stick to it. “Somehow it feels like a trick and un-American,” she said. “It’s not the way American pies are supposed to be made. I prefer it pre-baked, but I don’t do it.”

Maybe, she suggested, a touch of sogginess is not the end of the world. What she’ll sometimes do, before filling the bottom crust, is to sprinkle an absorbent layer of challah pieces or cake crumbs along its top, to sop up (theoretically) some of the liquid.

The Right Thickener

You want to cut nice, neat wedges of that summer pie. The pieces of fruit must nestle cozily and close, thickly bound, and not run off into a soupy puddle. Do you reach for flour to bolster the filling? Cornstarch? Arrowroot? Tapioca? Nothing?

Ron Silver, an owner of the TriBeCa restaurant Bubby’s who co-wrote “Bubby’s Homemade Pies” and has held a pie social with home bakers for the last 10 years, said his thinking on thickeners has evolved.

He started using just flour years ago when he tried to enter the Pillsbury Bake-Off. (He was disqualified from the competition for amateurs because he did his baking at Florent, where he was the breakfast cook.) But now he prefers something along the lines of a butter and flour roux.

“I toss the fruit with flour and then add melted butter,” he said. “It’s classic and the most flavorful.”

“When you have very juicy fruit like raspberries or cherries, instant tapioca is also good,” he said. Tapioca turns clear and glossy, does not impart a starchy flavor and adds interesting little gelatinous beads to the texture.

But for a fresh blueberry pie, Mr. Silver’s favorite, his choice is cornstarch. He cooks half the berries to make a thick sauce with sugar, lemon juice and the starch, which has first been dissolved in cold water. He then folds this mixture into the rest of the raw blueberries to fill a cooked pie shell. He does not bake the pie further, but lets it set for about two hours before serving.

You might get away with no thickener (just sugar and melted butter) especially with denser fruits like figs, stone fruit, apples and pears. But thickened or not, it’s important to wait two to three hours before cutting into the pie, allowing the filling time to settle so the juices released by the oven’s heat are reabsorbed.

Choosing the Fat for a Crust

As American as apple pie, the saying goes. But according to the food scientist Harold McGee, our national identity resides specifically in the crust.

“As a country,” he said, “we value a macroscopic discontinuousness in our pie crust.”

To translate: A pie crust that shatters into large crumbs and shards when you press your fork through it is good. A crust that crumbles into sand or needs to be sawed through is bad.

Fortunately, that patriotic, macroscopic discontinuousness can be achieved with flour, water and almost any cool, semisolid fat such as butter, lard, suet or vegetable shortening.

But which is best?

When Mr. McGee wrote his magisterial study “On Food and Cooking” in 1984, he came down in favor of vegetable shortening, because its consistent proportions of fat, water and air make it easier to produce flaky crusts. But since then he has modified that position, leaning toward the savor that butter and lard add. (Also, the hydrogenation process used to make vegetable shortening was later found to produce trans fats, which are unhealthy when consumed in large quantities.)

For a truly ideal pie crust, you would need a fat with the flavor of butter, the water content of lard and the temperature flexibility of vegetable shortening. When temperature is an issue, shortening is the clear winner. While a crust is being mixed and rolled, the butter needs to stay between 58 and 68 degrees to achieve the right texture: shortening works at anywhere from 53 to 85 degrees.

“The Fourth of July brings a hot kitchen and hot hands,” Mr. McGee said. He said that not only the fat but also the flour should be chilled until the last possible moment.

Lacking that fantasy fat, Mr. McGee said the proper choice is a matter of technical skill and personal preference. Sometimes the flavor of butter can be too aggressive: just as many chocolate cakes and banana breads are made with neutral oil to let the flavor of the main ingredient shine through, a plain crust made with vegetable shortening can be desirable.

[luimagines]

*walks in tiredly, offers you a mug of tea, downs my own like a shot, makes it like the Wild 100 years ago* Hey there, hope you're doing well today ^^

Probably long ask so uh, warning and apologies in advance. I'm glad the Lustrous ask was seemingly well received? XD It's just a snippet of a bigger thing, I'm writing a full thing for them when I have the time (along with a series for the Fairy Tale prompts, which I also have snippets of if anyone's interested?) which I'll post later and tag you if you're interested, plus you listened to me basically just come into your little corner of the internet and ramble about a crossover of a series you're not familiar with and LU, so it's only fair since it basically inspired me to keep going, so thank you ^^. Although, uh, Citrine/Little Link won't have a good time, apologies in advance, I blame the evil moon people. Yeah sorry he's probably going to pull a Time or Sky in the bad sense. That was an exchange from a draft of chapter 4 and English is not my first language even though I've been using it more for years, so that's likely why it's off, I apologize for that. Also I promised I'd come here and scream about how much I adore your writing of the boys (and once again, thank you for posting, great pick me up after a rough week that really does make me want to walk right into a Guardian beam, so here we go while I can even if I may need to split this in two if I hit the word limit.

Also the small family with Warriors and Wind is so wholesome, I think I went under from cavities alone (or maybe it’s the sleep deprivation, eh), please let the Link’s have parents and parental figures who stick around and don’t contribute to their trauma universe and Wind and Aryll are definitely up there in both deserving and needing it a lot, had to say I laughed at Warriors not being as thrilled by the crab as someone who makes friends with them and seagulls every time I’m near the ocean, they’re neat little fellas ^^, Poor Legend probably ain’t gonna be thrilled to find one on his clothes though, I know I wasn’t before figuring out how to keep them out, also, Reader comforting Aryll- just yes, also Wind’s grandma is the best I don’t make the rules. Sick Reader is such a mood, the boy's reactions hurt to read though it's really heartwarming how much they care, perfectly in character, 10/10, would definitly die over it again. Reader being good with a bow made me chuckle and smile because the irony of being familiar with a bow and seeing Reader and Wild excited of it reminds me of when I first picked it up, sweet and humorous and I adore it. Four getting a taste of his own medicine- *cackles hard in current Minish Cap player and Manga reader of it and Four Swords* That's what you get for your canonical flirting boy! He was as bad as Warriors and look where it got him XD Also he's so gone for Reader's Colors and Reader in general, it's sweet and just really good, I love it so much, plus the Reader’s colors have so much personality and it’s great. The Fear Room, goodness THE FEAR ROOM. I'm going to need to save it in for another ask because there are so many little details that I adore and I am a sucker for horror and it's too good- 20/10, would scare my poor dog again over my pain and elation.

Reader accidentally spilling who’s their favorite (and suffering as a result) also makes me cackle and smile a lot, it’s soft and sweet and each Link being so elated by it is literally so sweet (though Time, Wild, and Twilight literally murdered me during that segment, not a bad cause of death all things considered, but how dare all Link’s be so sweet? Like I’m already dead here, shoveled dirt into my box and everything, no need to try finishing me off), na interesting detail is how Hyrule and Legend both have the almost immediate reaction of asking why, dunno if it’s intentional or not but it’s a very neat touch, like you don’t have to elaborate but either way they’d happy if you did decide to which reflects really well with their characters. Four overreacting the second Reader takes it back (be smothe, smithy boy, specially so you don’t plot), Sky being sweet but oh so oblivious and basically killing Reader and Warriors being flattered, Wind just being triumphant in general and wanting to make Reader smile, Wild basically getting a critical hit in, Twilight and Time existing, it’s just so nice and I am soft. Plus the consistent and cackle worthy betting always makes me wheeze.

Speaking of betting, the Link’s being so gone for a tall S/O is both hilarious, consistency I greatly appreciate and a mood, plus the lines where definitely on point for sudden hilarity (“They got family?” “They took all your height” “And ours too-“ “Twilight wondering why he got none of that” absolutely sent me, great pick me up after a generally bad time existing), and all of them being soft and just so happy their S/O is in their lives and how they can show them off when meeting in each Hyrule is really wholesome, plus the consistent betting and friendly teasing which really sells how they are as close as brothers is really nice to see.

Soft Fierce Deity, honestly the main thing I can say coherently is that if the favorite scenario, and then the meeting scenarios slayed me, then this man came into my house and stole all my bones before killing me again in a good way because I am too soft, I have a really soft spot for the Fierce Deity, and the way you write for him is great and we usually don’t see much for him in any corner of the Zelda (or adjacent) Fandoms, it’s in character sure because Nintendo has a tendency of mentioning deities in Zelda or Link variants and then just refusing to elaborate, but it always makes me happy to see people write stuff for him among other things, 50/10.

How to Be a Heartbreaker delights me, always nice to see Warriors being the flustered one instead and his and Reader’s banter (and Twilight cameo) gives me life, I could probably write a small essay on why it delights me so much, but again word limit so let’s move on, maybe during another ask or something.

... Actually maybe I should save the oneshots for another individual ask, more organized that way.

Anyway, onto there’s only one bed! Also know as, Wild killing me with cackling that had my dog nuzzling me with concern and being my spirit animal all in one go, never change Wild Child, knew there was a reason you managed to bring me back to the Zelda fandom, me trying and failing not to be soft for Warriors, soldier boy deserves good things and it’s really sweet how much he cherishes reader, and me and Legend having the same trauma (aka KOHOLINT, if I could I’d fistfight the Windfish, I can’t go to the beach without a seagull being nearby and remembering Marin, specially with the friendly ones who actually come by just to stare and chirp for a while and it hurts), the fact he doesn’t want Reader to look down on him, because he doesn’t want them to leave him like how he basically lost or was left by most people in his life, the correlation with when he was stranded at sea, Reader comforting him- Just yes, bless the veteran. Flustered Reader is also my spirit animal, and cat Reader delights me to no end,  thank you once more for the wonderful contente and all your work in the fandom!

Also, while the urge to nap has not yet claimed me yet (and with hopefully the Tumblr wordcount not vibe checking me), I saw an ask about Time/Mask/Sprite with a resistance leader s/o? May I raise an idea/au of this au that’s been haunting me every second when I’m not doing anything much? Resistant Leader in the pre-timeskip timeline (aka The Child Timeline) started out as a Terminan Thief, that’s why Mask didn’t run into them when first going to get the Master Sword, they haven’t left Termina yet. The first contact Mask had with them after the timeskip was when they stole his wallet as a Deku Scrub, ran from him on the second day and then vanished on the third day. After the loop starts Thief/would be Resistant Leader Reader is somehow always just there, stealing random stuff from him and generally making his life harder (he would like to know how they snatched the Bunny Hood from his head and the Gilded Sword without him noticing, please? But Thief Reader definitely ain’t going to start divulging tricks of the trade) but always vanish on the third day before he can really stop them to talk, so honestly done and just really wanting to know why someone he remembers as this really amazing, confidente and badass leader would be acting like this (because it honestly doesn’t seem in character, given they were fighting Ganon for so long and stalled him several times on his search for Link) and just really missing a friend and being tired of these loops, he manages to follow them, maybe Reader was in a spot of trouble with other thieves and couldn’t get out of it unless they stole a certain quantity of rupees or rare items, and by the final day they snap and that’s why Link doesn’t see them (maybe the Gorman Brothers? If Reader spoke out and maybe tried using one of his stolen weapons to have a go at them for attacking Cremia and Romani if they’re close, although it’s generally ambigous, maybe it could be someone from Ganon’s former band of thieves who ran to Termina, and that’s why they became a Rebellion Leader in the timeskip? They couldn’t leave, saw what Ganon was going to do to Hyurle went, “Hm. Don’t really like that!” and probably fought their way out, maybe getting other thieves to speak up and rally together as well and it just escalated?) Either way, Mask sees what’s happening and that they probably can’t get out of it alone like usual and helps them because that’s HIS friend lord darn it he hasn’t seem them in forever and thought he wouldn’t ever see them again, the first familiar face since maybe Lullaby and Malon he’s seen in a while, he isn’t leaving them behind (casually raising my headcanon of Fae possesiviness being Time’s fault in the bloodline if we want to figure out where Hyrule’s came from, because the Kokiri are basically another branch of Fae and have fairies near them), and as thanks they not only give him his items of whichever loop his in back but maybe something of their own as well to remember, and help him out with the rest of the tasks or a temple (probably by somehow getting him the dungeon item, or a few dubiously acquired potions ahead of time), but if he had to reset they get caught up in it and actually remember the previous loop, given the way they just SPRINTED through Clock Town on the first day and instead of being subtle like always to steal something, they just bowl him over in a glomp and start checking him over, breaking the pattern.

Cue a bit of panic, several explanations and either an ear pull, cursing or stealing of rupees and holding masks hostage as revenge (and the threat of leaving him with nothing but the clothes on his back if he tries stopping them from helping, oh you’ve lost count of how many times you’ve done this now? And don’t want me to get hurt? Well too bad I am not letting you do this alone, News flash, technically I’ve already been hurt I’m not losing the one person who bothered to help me), and now he has an impromptu loop buddy to help him out even if it’s through questionable means after they usually deal with whichever other thief is around first. Maybe if after he defeats Majora and goes to leave he doesn’t tell Thief Reader, assuming they don’t want to come with since he’s caused them a lot of trouble and they’re technically free to do as they please now, only he can’t, because Thief Reader absconded with two more things of him: One of his earring’s, and the Fierce Deity Mask, which they are cheekily  waving to show off to him atop Clocktower, the earring on their own ears. (And seriously? HOW?!) Shenanigans ensue, maybe a chase or two, and Mask acquires himself a travel companion on top of Epona, Tatl and Tael on his search for Navi.

And honestly? Chaotic and bullheaded as they are and probably something of a magpie to boot, he wouldn’t have picked anyone else. You can hold your own and you’ve been ride or die with him twice over now, if that isn’t a sign you’re sticking around he doesn’t know what is.

Or something, idk, I’m running on three hours of sleep, maybe someone with more energy can expand on this into the War of Ages later or I’ll do it myself (Wind would have the best/worse role model ever, given ya know, Pirate and really light footed, feather touched and chaotic thief, Warriors is having heart attacks every five seconds even if he has to admit that when Thief Reader is going for soldier’s who talked badly about him, Mask, Wind, Ravio or Zelda is the most hilarious thing he’s ever seen and that one time they stole Cia's staff and were going to bash her over the head, Ravio is probably side eying them the whole time or seeing a business opportunity, Artemis and them trade tips due to her Sheik alter ego and both Mask and Warriors have to drag them away from one another, the possibilities are endless). I just find the idea of the Link’s with any morally dubious, but clearly cares a lot and wouldn’t hesitate to cut or bite someone for them amusing. Gives way for some interesting dynamics, like say Twilight and cattle raider reader (aka the cowboy/wild west themed rivalry au that I will not elaborate on), or Warriors with an Assassin Reader, or Wild with a mercenary reader, the possibilities are infinite folks.

Also also, if for some reason Mask and Thief Reader got separated before LU, and they reunite as Time and Still a Thief but much closer to their Rebellion Couterpart Reader. And their reunion basically goes like that one Puss in Boots, or the Lion King one scene: Thief Reader: *Holding dagger to throat, teeth bared as they just managed to steal the Fierce Deity Mask for the 10987th time from this strange man they don’t recognize after he gave chase, pauses for a couple of seconds in disbelieving, shocked recognition, dropping the blade*... Link?

Time: *Also in fight mode and ready to kick the attacker off of him and getting the mask back, actually takes a good look at their face and pauses in shock, long dead hope suddenly burning again, hesitant* (... Reader)? Thief Reader: *Not even hesitating to throw themselves at him in a hug with a slightly teary laugh* LINK! Time: *hugging them back just as tight, still somewhat in disbelief* (Reader).

Thief Reader: *pausing as they notice the Fierce Deity’s marks, flashbacks to all the times they told Mask not to over do it on the battlefield with it because they saw how much it hurt and affected him even if the Deity is pretty chill with them, chillingly livid as they level the tone at him, you know the one, pulling at one of his ears* ...Link.

Time, Knowing he is in danger as he recognizes that tone: ... (Reader). *wisely stays silent as they smack him hard on the shoulder and starting the lecture of a lifetime, silently glad Malon also isn’t here because she’d probably join you, but also just glad you’re even here to lecture and get mad at him in the first place after so long* The Chain, watching all this drama and telepathy display go down and who just wanted their stolen stuff back: I can just imagine the sheer confusion and bewilderment as to how Time knows this seemingly random thief who stole their stuff and would have probably dipped sucessfully if not by somehow getting Wild’s Slate, the Fierce Deity Mask and almost all of Legend’s rings at the same time and why they’re arguing like an old married couple about self care of all things. Most amusing reactions probably going for Twilight, Wild, Legend, Warriors and Wind. Or something, i’m probably not making much sense.

Anyway, I’ve probably bothered you with my rambling enough for one day xD Thank you once again for all your work in the fandom, maybe I’ll have more stuff on Lustrous reader or even Vessel reader next I’m by but until then, thank you ^^.

-Signed, Just a Tired Anon on A Stroll 🐚.

Anon!!! Hello again!!

NOT MY BOY LUCKY DX NOT LITTLE LINK!!!!! WHAT DO MEAN BAD TIME LIKE TIME AND SKY?!?!?!

But also, please tag in anything. I'm so intrigued and I want more fairytale stuff. Go ahead. XD

I'm glad you like the oneshots! Please tell me more of your thoughts on the Fear Room o.o I'm not big on horror so I'm glad it got the terror across ^.^*

And Fierce Deity and How to be a Heartbreaker and other because I want to hear all your thoughts. XD

And what do you mean Twilight- wild west au- rivalry?!?!? Hello!!?!??! You can't just drop that and say you won't elaborate!!!!

But this idea with theif! Reader is a good one :D

Clearly, you put a lot of thought into it and there's just so much potential.

The boys are all awkward and shuffling in the background as Time gets scolded because they're not sued to the leader cower back like that and even then he's not even trying to defend himself at this point and they're just staring. "....Who is this person?"

"No clue, but the Old Man finally got what was coming to him."

"I feel like my parents are fighting."

"I know them..." Warrior sighs. "I guess they haven't change at all."

Multiple heads turn to look at him.

He puts his hands up. "I'm not saying anything."

[pepperf]

First ten lines writing meme

Tagged by @starrybouquet - thank you! This one appealed to me - not too much work!

Rules: share the first lines of ten of your most recent fanfics and tag ten people. If you have written less than ten, don’t be shy and share anyway.

1. somewhere on the steepest slope (there’s an endless rope):

Cold.

That's the first thing he notices.

He's never been so cold. It's beyond pain and into something purer—it's all-encompassing, and he embraces it, because…this is it, right? An end to it all. And it's a relief. He feels like he's been fighting forever, and he doesn't even remember who he's fighting or why, he just wants to rest… 

2. Tell all the Truth but tell it slant:

It's so obvious, he doesn't know why it never occurred to him that Lila would have enemies. 

3. Not Romeo, Not Juliet:

Working as a janitor didn't pay well, and vigilantism didn't pay shit, so Diego had a third job as a bouncer-slash-bartender a couple of nights a week, at a club that opened just as Al's gym was closing. It wasn't much, but it kept him in knives and iodine. Anyway, sleep was for losers. 

4. Mansion, Apartment, Shack, or House:

When he's thirteen, for reasons that he doesn't fully understand, Diego and his siblings are packed off for a year at the School for Overprivileged Assholes.

Oh, it has a different name, officially. But that's how he always thinks of it, from the moment they arrive and he sees the neat little uniforms, the polished staircases, the list of rules…

It's just like home.

5. like it was written in my soul, from me to you:

It goes something like this:

"I'm going to ask Lila to marry me. Any bright ideas?"

There is an immediate chorus of groans from about 50 percent of his siblings. Five doesn't even look up from his newspaper.

"Don't."

6. Stray Cat Strut:

Anita was at the age where she embraced new experiences with all the fervor of someone who had never met anything like it in her entire life—all two years of it. Diego loved it. Choc'lit!!! was a perennial favorite. Truck!!! had been the Biggest Deal last month, applied to everything from the garbage truck to the pizza delivery bike. But this month…

"Titty!"

Diego grinned at the woman, more proud than embarrassed. "She's struggling with her 'k's. She likes the cat on your bag," he explained.

7. I may be bad (but I’m perfectly good at it):

"And then you lock the cuffs around your ankles, and voilà. You can attach a dildo with a suction cup to the bench and ride that, and have someone's cock in your mouth, and still have room to give a handjob. Great for parties!"

It’s been a long six months.

8. one wave short of a shipwreck:

The bank isn't where it starts, not really. It started a long time ago, maybe even further back than he remembers—but the bank is where it feels like it starts. 

9: and they were roommates:

There are many ways to tell someone that you're pregnant. Cakes are, according to the internet, fairly popular, as are piñatas, although she thinks the latter is a little disturbing. You can take out an advert, call a radio station, have the test framed (ew), take them to an important local monument that your friends have draped with banners…

Lila being Lila, though, she chooses to do it this way:

"Diego, I'm pregnant."

Diego—who is, appropriately, scrambling her eggs right now—freezes for a long second. Then he unfreezes and shoots her an unimpressed look. "Har har," he says. "You know that to give someone a pregnancy scare you need to have actually slept with them, right?"

10: The Midnight Laundrette:

"What the actual fuck?"

The moment she'd said it, Lila regretted it.

Lol, I swear no. 7 is not what you think!

No-pressure tagging @lochrannn, @himbohargreeves, @bending-sickle, @nicehatgeorgia, @annerbhp...and anyone else who wants to play!

[rotten-milk-and-honey]

kinda bored, kinda tired, and kinda stressed :']

so hot ;-; I hate summer

depends on what it is about, I tend to be very impulsive when it comes to buying stuff though

also depends, I'm organized in my own way but it always looks like a mess to other people because it's not neat

no, I doubt myself a lot :']

very urgdyeyxy

ig how I care? it can definitely be too much though

my inability to just do stuff whether it be because of executive dysfunction or being autistic or my chronic pain or just plain being tired, it is so frustrating

yes :3 I have a dog named bernard and I love him very much <3

so many 😭 I've fucked up so many times hfhcyfhchfg

nope :3

not much, I think we just kinda go poof although the concept of reincarnation is really cool so idk considering the options is fun though

I don't have a particular water bottle 🧍

yes, it is actually pink rn LMAO

yes, I already have a helix and septum but I also want a tragus and to redo the helix on my other ear since it never healed properly and just closed up :c

yes

I think the concept is cool but no

no

no

kinda?

world history and math :3

physical education (derogatory)

I think 2 years <3

read manga, research and interact with what I'm interested in/hyperfixated on, collecting cute stuff, listen to music, and study cool stuff like anatomy

cry and isolate myself 😭

vent channels on my favorite discord server or friends that are willing to listen to me vent

sweet probably :3

atm probably mug root beer or lemonade

mexican or japanese <3

dress up by chloe moriondo and that charlie xcx song from the barbie movie

pajamas (as always) but yeah it's a t-shirt and shorts

night probably, I usually am at my best around 10 pm to 3 am

my dog

excluding my dog, no

no

no

yes, grass 😭

yes, several people actually

probably periwinkle since it is cute hehe

kinda strained, I only really talk to my mom

elise ;-; (not a bad name I just find it too feminine for me)

"real" 💀

yes

ehhh not really, it usually just makes me very stressed and agitated

honestly idrk, it really depends on the situation and what the other options are

yes and no, I can easily follow my own routines and plans as long as I remember them but not others'

kinda the same as now where there is no career I truly want to do because I don't dream of labor 💀

currently suckerpunch by chloe moriondo but I'm generally not very into albums

having my dog

I hate a lot of foods but my most loathed has to be ambrosia salad or mushrooms

ig my legs? I think it would be harder to function without being able to grab/move stuff with my hands

my dog

I think it was something about having to do math to smoke 😭

not really

serendipitous or kaboom or epitome

ig loved?

no, never

kinda nerdy/geeky smart one who didn't have a lot of friends 😭 basically the epitome of undiagnosed autistic

my friend koi

a day where I have to do nothing at all and I don't feel guilty about it and just get to enjoy my interests

italy? idk I just really love the architecture and food there

have fun as much as possible

nope :3

no but I used to (unfortunately)

I can play a few easy songs on a keyboard but that is pretty much it

realizing I forgot my birthday when I was 5

freezing time

ignorant and uncaring people

coughing, I just can't stand the sound of it

13 since it is my birthday <3

no

yes! squishmallows and other plushes, stim toys, books, playing cards, earrings, etc.

idk why since I really love learning about bugs but the sensation of them crawling on me is terrifying to me and I have intense fears about them crawling in my ears and stuff 😭

no :3

cats although I really love both, as much as I love my dog I cannot stand barking plus he is heavy

I like dull pastel colors because they are cute and the easiest on my eyes :3

I usually just talk to people on discord or do stuff with my mom

I have several so my top favorites are sharks, jellyfish, snakes, lizards, and cats

alice in wonderland, big hero 6, or coco

freeze because I hate the heat

ruminating 😭

uhhh I probably shouldn't get into it :3 I have bpd if that helps htcgtgxy

a language fluently because I've only ever learned bits and pieces

mantises or moths or beetles

idk if it is the best option I am ok with it but it should never be the first choice

I chose it myself so I like it :3 I loathe my deadname though

there are a lot of cool names so idrk but rain and fae are such cute names to me

neither, I'm scared of both

I love them (unless I'm having a bad motion sickness day)

hmmmm a banshee maybe?

no

I start college in a little over a week 😭

mostly just lonely and stressful

depends on whether I'm sleeping too much or too little because I usually switch between those

buzz cut

18? idrk that is just how old I am rn

punk or rap (at least lately)

the south

only online

whatever you make it

random asks ♡

how are you feeling right now?

what’s the weather like?

are you impulsive?

are you organised?

are you self confident?

are you sensitive?

what’s something you love about yourself?

what’s something you hate about yourself?

do you have any pets?

do you have any regrets?

do you have any siblings?

what do you think comes after life?

what colour is your water bottle?

have you ever dyed your hair/would you ever want to?

do you have any piercings/would you want to?

do you believe in aliens?

do you believe in ghosts?

do you believe in karma?

do you believe in astrology?

do you believe in luck?

what is/was your favourite subject in school?

what is/was your least favourite subject in school?

how long have you been friends with your longest friend for?

what do you do in your free time?

what do you do under stress?

who/what do you turn to to vent?

spicy, sweet or savoury?

what’s your favourite drink?

what’s your favourite cuisine?

what song is currently stuck in your head?

what are you wearing right now?

what’s your favourite time of day?

who do you trust the most?

do you trust anyone completely?

would you ever want to get married?

would you ever want children?

do you have any allergies?

do you hate anyone?

what’s your favourite colour and why?

what is your relationship with your family like?

what is your middle name?

what word do you think you say the most often?

do you miss anyone right now?

do you like making art?

do you believe in the death penalty?

do you follow routines/plans easily?

growing up, what did you want to do in life?

what is your favourite album?

what’s something you’re grateful for?

what’s a food you hate?

would you rather lose your legs or arms?

what is the most important thing to you right now?

what’s the last dream you remember having?

do you believe in soulmates/true love?

what is your favourite word?

would you rather be loved, trusted or respected?

would you want to be famous if you had the chance?

what are/were you like in school?

who’s the last person you talked to?

what would your perfect day be like?

where is a place that you’d love to visit?

what is your main goal in life?

do you exercise often?

do you play any sports?

do you play any instruments?

what is your earliest memory?

if you could have a superpower, what’d you choose?

what kind of person annoys you the most?

what is your biggest pet peeve?

what’s your favourite number?

have you ever been in love?

do you collect anything?

what is your deepest fear?

have you ever met anyone famous?

cats or dogs?

warm, cool or neon colours?

how do you deal with loneliness?

what’s your favourite animal?

what’s your favourite disney movie?

would you rather freeze or burn to death?

what are some of your bad habits?

what do you do when you’re angry?

what is something that you’d want to learn?

what’s your favourite insect?

what are your thoughts on euthanasia?

what are your thoughts on your name?

what’s your favourite name?

would you rather go back or forward in time?

what are your thoughts on roller coasters?

what’s your favourite mythical creature?

do you believe in love at first sight?

what is something you’re currently worried about?

what was your childhood like?

how long do you usually sleep for?

what hairstyle do you have right now?

if you could be one age for the rest of your life, what’d you choose?

what genre of music do you listen to the most?

where do you come from?

do you curse/swear often?

what is the meaning of life?

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2005 The silicone doll is definitely off. I’m learning that it doesn’t last forever like porcelain and vinyl, even if you’re just a doll collector and not out to screw them. The woman I asked said they’d start breaking down and tearing in just 5-10 years, even with proper care. And they consider that long-lasting! If we were rich, I’d gladly get one every 5-10 years and a different one each time, but I think I’ll pass. I just don’t want to spend nearly 7 grand on something I can only have for 5-10 years. They seem to acquire dents really easily, too. I was wondering just why in the world this person who was giving feedback was bragging about how their 2-year-old doll was in great condition, thinking well any 2-year-old doll that isn’t a child’s toy should be in great condition. Maybe I’ll go back to striving for a mannequin. It’d be a hell of a lot easier to save 4 or 5 hundred than thousands of dollars, though it would’ve been so neat to have one. It’d still be nice to have a mannequin if I can find one with a halfway decent face. The bodies are nice and very realistic on most of them. It’s nice faces that are hard to find. So many of them look too cartoon-like.

I decided to try bringing the big palm into the bedroom to see if that would help it. I still think it’ll slowly die off, but in the store, it was in an area with no natural light. Just artificial fluorescent lighting. Although I have regular light bulbs in the bedroom, maybe that and the fact that it’s warmer in there will help it. I’m glad it was only $10, but still, I’d like to save it if I can.

I wish to hell the guy at the transmission place would call! I still fear he’s stuck at MCX, we’re both stuck here, and I’m not getting any of these damn cavities filled in anytime soon.

I also hope to hell that given what my schedule is right now, they’re right about tomorrow’s PM showers to deter our little knife throwers.

Later…

I was stunned to learn they mowed here, according to Tom, yet I slept like a baby. They couldn’t have come before 10 AM cuz I was up till then. I’m glad I didn’t know they were coming or else I’d have woken up a zillion times expecting to hear them.

It was one week ago that all hell broke loose here. The question is, is the nightmare coming to return? God, I hope not! I am so sick of being badgered by other people’s kids! This has been going on since the NHA. At least I’m no longer badgered by other people’s dogs. I’m sure I will be again sooner or later, though. Especially in a warmer climate.

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 2005 Well, there’s the usual bullshit going on in the news. A Mexican gang member involved in a gang rape/murder got his death sentence turned to life imprisonment all for being a Mexican and cuz they suspected the jury went by the “an eye for an eye” saying in the bible. Who gives a damn what the bible says! He should die for his crimes.

What I don’t get is why the girls he raped didn’t bite his dick off when he shoved it in their mouths. You’d think it’d be a reflex and an instinct to do so. I know if any guy shoved his dick in my mouth, if I couldn’t punch him in the face and beat him to death first, I’d bite it off even if it meant I’d get killed in the end. At least that way that pecker wouldn’t be going anywhere else ever again! Most guys are such sickos. There are just not many Toms in this world. They either spend their lives thinking with their dicks, are so damn stupid, or both. I have no pity or respect for straight men in general. I think most of them make their own beds and so they ought to lay in them! If I could make extinct all the men in the world except for Tom, I’d do it in a heartbeat. They’re one species the world could definitely do without. See, I ain’t just racist, I’m sexist, too! I used to think most lesbians were, but that’s not necessarily true. Lesbians are that way cuz they’re attracted to women more so than because they hate men, though some of them do happen to hate men. I think even most straight women hate them!

I got a couple of letters from Mary dated the 21st and 22nd and was shocked and disappointed to hear she still hasn’t heard from me. I know I’m getting mail from her faster than she’s getting mail from me, but I’d have thought she’d have gotten the first two letters by now. Then again, she said it took 9 days for my first card to make it to her. They’re either really backed up in their incoming mail, or somebody’s reading her mail word for word and maybe even making copies, too.

Meanwhile, they were all about José, and I’m like yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever turns you on. One of the things to turn her on is anal sex, which to me is disgusting. To each their own so long as no force or children are involved, but when she said she wanted to touch, taste and smell José’s ass, I felt my stomach flip-flop. I wouldn’t even do these things to a woman. She also tells me she’s excited about the idea of getting it on with another woman while José watches and that she wishes she could lick her own tits and pussy, because how much safer than that can you get? Both Tom and I had to laugh at that one, though again, to each their own. She said she thinks like a guy even though she’s feminine. Yeah, I’d say this is true! She has some gross fantasies and does seem to be pretty hung up on sex, but hey, she’s only 27.

She also praises gay men, saying how neat they are because they’re honest and neat and that if she had to be a man, she’d want to be gay. Well, I know I’d rather a gay male friend than a gay female friend myself.

It’s almost April and it’s still cold, still snowy at times, and I still want out of this state! I never thought I would miss warm weather so much! Not surprisingly, I don’t miss Arizona and most of the shit we had to go through down there, but I do so long for the warmth again! I miss summer clothes, sleeping nude, and not having to wear socks and gloves and shit like that. Trying to get as much space as we can will be doubly important in California than here, cuz if they dog their yards 24/7 in Arizona, they are certainly doing it in Sacramento and places like Redding. It’s funny how the shit we’ve gone through has made my dreams so simple – just for us to live happily and comfortably in a simple yet nice and functional 1000-1600 square-foot house with space enough around us so that our neighbors are seldom seen and very rarely heard, would be enough for me. All else after that would be considered a bonus.

I wish I had someone to talk to who knew both English and Spanish well so I could ask some questions. Estoy and soy both mean I am, but I don’t always get when is best to use which one. I read long ago that there is no set rule for when to use por or para which means “for” and that you just have to get a feel for which is best, and I have done so as my Spanish has gotten better, but there are still some things I’m unsure of.

I just hope he gets this job at the transmission place! Right now that’s our biggest thing. The guy told him to call him if he didn’t call him by the end of the week if he forgets, but I hope he’ll want to hire Tom bad enough to “remember” to call him on his own. He could have said that, though, to test him. Some places want to see how badly you really want to work for them that they will wait and see if you call them if they don’t call you. Something up there would really have to hate us if it’s determined to keep him at MCX and us in this duplex.

Things are still back to normal around here, but now I’m all stressed out knowing that she could have overnight company like that again anytime. I’m pretty sure it was a rare occasion and just maybe it was all about Easter, but still, I worry about her having company again, or moving and being replaced with something worse. I also worry about next door raising hell when it warms up or them too, being replaced with something worse. I try to remind myself, though, that it’s been quiet 98% of the time here and that noise will follow us no matter where we go.

For now, it’s a matter of going through all the steps it’ll take to get to either renting a place that’s more suitable for us in California, or owning one down there, and the depressing and stressful part of that is not knowing how many steps there’ll be and how long they’ll take. It usually takes years to climb back up when you hit rock bottom like we did. I wasn’t kidding when I said it’s so much more common for your life to fall apart overnight while it takes forever to put it back together. Only winning many thousands of dollars could solve our problems quickly, and of course, that’ll never happen. I just hope I won’t have to deal with too many people’s shit and noise along the way. If our lives are going to be budgeting to the point that we have to decide whether or not to get sweetener or Kleenex one week, versus what doll to get, I just hope we can do it in a better location. One that’s warmer and has more space around it and no one attached to us. I know there’ll be other noise sources, but I’d rather go back to an occasional sonic boom than kids stomping around for hours so much so that you feel as if the place is going to come tumbling down upon you!

MONDAY, MARCH 28, 2005 It looks like I’m not going to be submitting any more books after all. He was taking forever to do the editing what with trying to find a new job and then with his computer breaking. Between that and believing that nothing I could possibly write could ever be allowed by God to get accepted and published, I decided to forget it and just keep it as what it was always meant to be – just a fun hobby. Then he said he wanted to rewrite the story because he thinks it’s that good and is worth developing, but I know him. He never sticks to things. Never finishes what he starts unless he has to. I agree that my story needs work and wouldn’t be accepted as is no matter what, but now I’ll always be curious as to what they might’ve said had we stuck to the original agreement, but oh well. I don’t have to get anything published. Especially since it would’ve paid shit. I’ll just keep having fun with it because I know that if God wanted me to succeed with anything like that, I would’ve done so by now. I’d also have had to do my own editing when he was too busy or didn’t feel like working on it, and I wouldn’t have liked that. Everyone needs an editor they can depend on. I also get the feeling he doesn’t want me to submit anything, though I don’t know why. If this is true, then he’s not going to admit to something like that, but it won’t kill me to wonder what Barb would’ve said. It won’t be the last thing I’ll ever wonder about. On the other hand, he did say we could submit what he rewrites if I wanted to. But will he really rewrite it? And is there really any point in submitting something that wouldn’t bring any money even if it did get accepted? At least if I continue writing for fun I won’t have the stress of having to perfect every little thing I write.

He took that test at the transmission place but still doesn’t know if he’s going to get the job. The test was a combination of personality and puzzle. For the puzzle, he had to fit 5 big pieces together and he said he did lousy at it because he was slow. He still thinks he got the job, but he’s such an optimistic person that I’m not surprised. However, he always did know and admitted that he had no chance at the big-paying job he applied for.

The stereos are driving me crazy today. I don’t know why, but some days they go by one after another really loud.

Anyway, I think what I’ve always thought – that we’re meant to be poor and held down, he’s meant to stay at MCX indefinitely, and we’re meant to stay in the city, very close to others. But I also know that we’re destined to make it to California someday. We’re talking about rural Sacramento as a possibility. What I mean by “rural Sacramento” is that it’s a big enough city to find jobs, but may have rural areas around it that aren’t a million miles away and building up. No city in the country is building as fast as Phoenix is. That’s why Maricopa built up so much in the 5 years we were there. The only thing I don’t like about Sacramento is that there are more blacks there than in Phoenix, but we’ve learned that we can move with no problem and therefore we don’t have to live with them. So if we get stuck next to any, we’ll split. However, if we can get in rural areas, they tend to avoid those areas because those areas aren’t good for gang activity and the gangsta hoe crap they’re into. If you want to be a good little gangster, you gotta stick to the city where opportunities to commit crimes are more plentiful. What much can you do in rural areas? Rob chicken coops? Anyway, I don’t know where or when we’ll go to California, but I know we’ll go somewhere in that state someday, my true home that I was meant to be in all my life. There’s not much we’ll miss in Oregon. We both like the summers, I like the tap water up here and he likes the winters, but other than that, there’s nothing for us here. He’d suddenly have to be offered a way high-paying job to hold us here, but money’s not in our cards, so that won’t happen. I miss both rural and big cities. I miss rural living and big-city shopping. Oh, the variety of stores big cities have as opposed to little shitholes like this! We’re going to look for a rural place in central or northern California where it’s less crowded and polluted, that is close to a big city, but not building up.

SUNDAY, MARCH 27, 2005 At last, the animals have left! It at least appears that way. They’ve been gone since around 9:00 this morning, and I got caught up on my sleep. God, I hope she never has company like that again while we’re here! They all drove me fucking crazy! However, I’m worried they’ll return tomorrow. Maybe Tom was right about them being from out of town. He says they could very well have arrived in the area before Thursday and stayed with others until then, and are now staying with someone else, no doubt driving the neighbors just as crazy as they drove us unless the neighbors aren’t connected or have animals of their own running around raising hell. I’m still going to make our last night here, whenever that may be, holy hell on this hypocritical bitch. I want to now but Tom said that may be sending a message saying it’s okay to slam and bang shit around if I do. Well, I definitely don’t want her to get the wrong idea, so I’ll wait till we’re on our way out of here. I still don’t know exactly when that’ll be. Right now my guess is November, but does it matter? Like I said, we’d only be going to a different noise source so we may as well keep the one that’s quiet 99% of the time until we can get out of this state.

I got 4 letters from Mary, who says she’ll try to write every day. I told her not to pressure herself with writing every day. Just don’t let a month go by if she can help it. I’m too tired to cover her letters, so I’ll do it later.

Later…

All’s still back to normal around here and hopefully it’ll stay that way for the next 7 months, but I’m sure it won’t. I’m sure it’ll just be only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan again. Meanwhile, Tom said it was dead quiet and rainy all day before I got up at 3:00. All that happened around here was the usual – a visit from Romeo and next door going back and forth a few times.

Mary’s letters were quite detailed. She asked a lot of questions and spoke of a lot of things. What had me laughing my ass off (of course I wouldn’t tell her this) was her saying God works through me to help her as far as getting to José goes. Would it finally shake her faith if she knew the truth?

Another funny thing was when she said the Spanish soap operas are more realistic, but that she couldn’t understand the language. Well, then how does she know the Spanish soaps are more realistic if she can’t understand the language?

FRIDAY, MARCH 25, 2005 I guess I’ll do some editing as tired as I am, thanks to the assholes next door. I am so, so totally going to raise holy hell on our last night here, whenever that night comes! They didn’t wake me up, but they did, just from the stress they’ve put on me. This meant having an upset stomach and a rapid heartbeat. My stomach hasn’t been this flat in ages. I also didn’t need to exercise. First of all, I couldn’t have mustered up the energy, but I didn’t need to with the way my heart was racing. The animals gave me my cardiovascular workout just fine. It was the NHA minus the screaming from when I dragged my ass out of bed at 11:00 to 8:30. I’m hoping that because they settled down an hour and a half earlier tonight that means they’re going to get up early to go somewhere tomorrow, but I doubt I could get that lucky.

I’m now sure more so than ever before that no matter where we go, there’ll be kids, music, dogs, banging and more, so like I told Tom, if we’re so destined to listen to other people’s shit so much of the time, let’s do it at a cheaper rate. Seriously, why pay $435 to listen to other people’s antics when we can do it at around $300? He still thinks they’re out-of-towners come to visit throughout the Easter weekend (he also told me school animals are on spring break), but I say it’s the local daughter-in-law running from her hubby. The deal we made is that if she and her rowdy brood stick around a lot longer than Sunday or Monday like I think will be the case, we give notice to vacate next Friday. If he’s right, we avoid the office in the hopes of them not making us renew our lease. If they do call or mail us a letter saying we have to renew it or get out, then we’ll give notice. Where the hell we’ll go, I don’t know. I’m sure it’ll be someplace noisy, but hopefully, the rent will be lower and he’ll be making more money.

Especially since the guy at the transmission place called to tell him to come in for a test. He’s going to do this Monday and is hopeful that this test is a pay-placement thing. In other words, if he shows how smart he is, it’ll up his chances at getting started at $8.50. Then at least one of my neutral/positive vibes will ring true! But will we move to a small old house by the railroad tracks? Time will tell. The guy he talked to yesterday was impressed with the way he’s worked on his own vehicles.

Anyway, the afternoon to the early evening was the worst next door. Before Tom got in I blasted the shit out of them and sang my lungs out, though I’m pretty sure they never heard a damn thing. Not over all their own chaos, and well, I don’t exactly have an 8-speaker surround sound system.

I’m not so sure a retirement community will save us from this noise curse that’s been put on me since ’92. After all, I’m learning here that 51-year-old single women can be just as bad as the young folks, so what’s the point? If it’s not mothers with kids, it’s grannies with grandkids. I just dread when they all hit the backyard so I can hear screaming along with the banging. There’s only so much the fan and sound machine can drown out. Especially when you’re not on a solid concrete foundation.

Next door did their Friday night barbecue, but if they did any knife-tossing, I don’t know. I just know I’d take their doors over Bev’s animals anytime. She’s so fucking weird. She cared enough to get headphones so I wouldn’t have to hear her bass thumping, but she doesn’t care if I have to listen to those damn kids shake the place down. Again, she should know better from when she had to deal with that shit herself, and I can see that that had to be true hell on her. So I did my share of music, stomping around and slamming shit. I was too pissed not to anyway. This shit happens everywhere I go. Everywhere I go! Like I said, there’s no fucking escaping it! Why are people so damn noisy? I realize that some are worse than others, but still, no one gets stuck with this many bad apples. It’s a definite curse without a doubt and if I haven’t shaken free of it by now, I know I never will.

Romeo’s been over too, to see the lying hypocrite that “rarely” has company. When we leave, we’ll be happy to tell Pam why, but we’re not going to bother to complain on her because we know we’ll get something like how her right to company takes precedence over our right to peace, and even if they have moved in, they won’t care. They didn’t care about the overcrowding that was in here before we got here. I don’t think they really care how many people live in their places as long as they get their rent.

I got that pad of construction paper, more stamped envelopes, and 4 books of stamps from Mary. Yeah, well come Monday, José’s letters will be returned with no explanation and I’ll be sure to break the news to her. It’s the only way to keep her from pestering me with him. “No” alone isn’t always enough. Meanwhile, I hope she’ll let me keep all the stamps and envelopes. It’s the least she can do for all the shit I’ve done for her, but we’ll see. If she wants me to send them to her aunt, I will.

We may go to that Italian place tomorrow during the peak of the outbursts.

THURSDAY, MARCH 24, 2005 I am so, so furiously pissed right now. God, I hate God for putting me through this! Not only did Bev’s animals get on my nerves for 7 hours, but they’re also staying overnight! The father probably threatened the newborn, the other kids, the wife, or all of the above, so now I gotta deal with them being over here until they patch things up. Of all the guys in this world who hate kids, why did this one have to have some of his own and marry into a ready-made litter? And why am I so destined to listen to other people’s kids?! There’s just no escaping them! How I’ve come to hate the little animals! Why oh why did I ever think I wanted one of my own? I’m doing the same thing I was doing a decade ago; listening to other people’s shit! If it isn’t their music or dogs, it’s their fucking kids. It never ends! I just can’t run from it. No matter where we go, we’ve got a guaranteed lifetime noise curse on us. So much so that we may as well get an apartment and pay just 2 or 3 hundred a month. Why not? I sure as hell felt like I was in an apartment today. The question is, how many days are they going to be over there? I can tell the mother had the kid, cuz although she’s fat and huge in the hips, she doesn’t look pregnant. When I saw they were still here at 8:00, I knew they were staying overnight. I just never expected them to show up on a Thursday night of all nights, and now they’re going to be here God knows how many nights. And I thought the quietness was a sign of the end of our time here. No chance! Between what Pam said and now this shit, I know we’re going to be here till at least November. Tom thinks we can get away with just a few more months and then there’ll be enough money to move, but I know better. Things always take longer than expected, and I know this management company is too greedy to let us go month to month. They’re going to demand we vacate in 30 days or renew the lease, but what does it matter? Anyplace we could live in for the rest of our lives will have some sort of noise, so who cares? It makes no difference. If it wasn’t the rumbling vibrations of running kids and slamming doors, it’d just be music, dogs, screaming, etc. I’m tired of running from what I cannot escape. So much so that I set a lot of my stuff back up and that’s the way it’s staying! Meanwhile, if Bev’s going to turn into such a rude selfish bitch by letting all this chaos into the place, I’m not going to worry about my stereo, not that she could hear it over the shit going on over there. How utterly rude to bring little kids into places like duplexes and apartments. We’re wild animals until we’re at least 12 years old. Most of us are anyway. She should really be a little more considerate!

They pretty much crashed over there just after 10:00, but the question is, are they going to let me sleep? The thought of living with other people for the rest of my life alone makes me want to kill myself, but he keeps on insisting that things will get better. Yeah, when? When will they get better? Nothing’s changed. We’re still listening to other people’s noise, we’re still broke, and we’re still unable to do the things we want to do in life, so why does he continually insist we go on? I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to be some puppet in a controlled environment. He’s so sure we can buy a house in 5-10 years, but what do we do in the meantime? Be forced to be a part of our neighbor’s business? Part of the reason I don’t want kids (not that I ever had a choice anyway) is because I don’t want to have to listen to their shit. Instead, I gotta listen to other people’s kids! Fuck this never-ending cycle of shit! It’s going to be a zoo here in the morning! Some of the kids may go to school, but if they’re staying overnight tonight, then they’re likely to be there indefinitely. As soon as those kids get out of school if not before, it’s going to be nothing but a series of bumps and bangs from 3 PM - 10 PM. As I said, it makes no sense to move other than to save money or to go to a warmer climate, and I doubt we’ll get to California anytime too soon. I just don’t understand it – live where you don’t want to live and don’t get most of what you want in life – why am I so doomed to fall under this rule? What did I ever do to anyone to deserve so much shit and for so long?

Meanwhile, Tom’s pretty sure he’s going to get the job at the transmission place. This is what he said about Walmart, so we’ll see. He says if we can stand to hold out another few months, we could save enough money for a house that’s more secluded, but why bother? Like I said, if it isn’t one thing, it’s something else. So why not spend at least 237 more days here? It’s better than jail, Phoenix or the NHA. All I know is that we can’t escape what we run from. We ran from the sickos in Phoenix, but they caught up with us in Maricopa. We came here to build a house on a secluded mountain and look where we are. Back in the city with kids, stereos, etc. If we’re going to have to deal with shit like this, we may as well take the warmth of California and the convenience of a bigger city, since we’re fated to live with people and their bullshit no matter where we go.

I said I wasn’t going to blast her out on our last night here – well, you can scratch that one! Like I said, I’ve been so stressed out that I’ve had very little to eat. Stress is a good diet, though I’d rather be fat and happy than thin and miserable. But that’s just the thing; I know I’m never going to be happy no matter where I go or what I do.

I’m still pretty sure they got in a fight, although they could be painting or remodeling their place. I wondered if it could be her birthday, but you don’t usually do slumber parties at 52 years old. Romeo was over at around 6:00 and had to park on the lawn cuz this bitch has a big old black SUV. I pretty much ruled out her being sick or hurt, cuz you wouldn’t have the damn animals running around like that in that case. I’m sure they just got into a fight and now her problem is our problem. Meanwhile, why did she have to come here? Doesn’t she have a mother to go to? Tom said that because we’ve never seen this vehicle before it could be out-of-town visitors, but I’m sure it’s her very local daughter-in-law and animals. If only we were on solid concrete! That’d eliminate the bulk of the banging, but like I said, if it isn’t one thing, it’s another. I see a very definite pattern here. Let me guess - we live with various people’s bullshit too close for comfort, then we get a nice house in a nice quiet area and we lose it. Right? We may as well just stay right here then. Or at least return to a warmer climate as soon as we can break free of this place. Getting out of places I don’t want to be is always tough, though I don’t know why it should be since we’d only be going to another one just like it. Maybe even worse. This isn’t a family curse. I’m the only one who’s been forced to move around like crazy and live huddled in with others like this. So why is it just me who has to live this way? Everyone else can have money and live in peace, but not Jodi. I hate God’s guts with a passion for putting me through this time and time again, year after year! Oh, how I hate Him!

I’m too pissed off to write any more about Tom’s interview or anything else right now. All I know is that just like old times, I want to hit the sack as early as I can, knowing they’ll be up by 7:00 over there.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23, 2005 Got two more Mary letters today, this time with just one small favor, on top of another José letter that I’ll tell her I sent, till Monday, when they all start coming back. I figure that by that time she’ll have my last letter and will stop sending stamps, envelopes, letters and now paper, from what I just read.

Before I get into her letters, Pam, not surprisingly, said we couldn’t transfer our deposit. Yeah, I knew the bastard in the sky wouldn’t let us out of here that soon. Oh well. At least the neighbors are annoying at times and not a round-the-clock nightmare. They’ve been quieter lately, but summer’s not here yet. He still holds out the hope of us being allowed to go month to month, but I know there’s no chance. Their unwillingness to transfer the deposit tells me just how greedy they are. And I thought it was easier to escape rentals than houses! God’s got us right where He wants us, but it’s nothing new. I’m used to being a puppet on a string with no control over her own damn life. I go where fate puts me and that’s that. Meanwhile, there’s a little, old rundown house for rent further down on this street, plus those cabins near the casino, but I’m sure we’ll be here till November at the very least. All I have to do is hope to hell Bev stays put and next door doesn’t get any worse than they have been. Or get replaced with someone worse. At least they have no dogs or little kids.

I just wish I knew when that fucking queen was going to die and how much she may leave us! Right now I feel as if everything, especially owning a house and some land, is just a dream. It very well may be, too. Something wants me to stick very close to people, but why? I wish I could make a deal with God and say look, if you’re going to squeeze me into the city, even if it’s a small, tame city compared to even Springfield, then how about a nice secretive, hot-looking chick on the side for when Tom’s not around? One to just play around with and who would also be okay with just playing around, as well as drug and cigarette-free? I know I may feel a little guilty and like a cheater, but can I really be “cheating” on someone I’m just friends with? I don’t think so, so any guilt I may feel should be worth the pleasure. However, I know there’s just no bargaining with whatever’s up there. I wish we’d gone straight to California! Our lives still may’ve been hell there, but I just didn’t think that was possible. I thought all of California was too expensive, even the parts that aren’t crowded.

To help ease my anger and depression, Tom took us to Burger King. We got fries and a burger, and man was that caramel cheesecake ever the best! He got a chocolate pie for himself, then we stopped at a convenience store for other little treats we shouldn’t have spent the money on or be feeding our bodies, but oh well. We felt we needed and deserved them.

They did come through on that certificate, too. It’s $30 at an Italian restaurant called Antonio’s. I expected $20 if they were going to really come through at all.

He also got a couple of additional old printers, so now we have two lasers and a dot matrix. At least dot matrix ribbons are only a few bucks as opposed to the $60 it takes for new inkjet cartridges. Inkjets do better for graphics, but dot matrixes are more consistent and reliable when it comes to text.

I’m only 10 pages into this new Mary Higgins Clark book and already it is so, so good! Without my reading, writing and music, I’d be totally dead.

So now that I got the usual drama out of the way, Mary’s letters were nice. She talked about many things and asked many things Paula would never care to ask. I still haven’t even heard from the selfish bitch! Oh well. I couldn’t call her anyway. We let my minutes run out, and I’m just going to send Tom text messages if I have to.

They’re now using rubber security pencils at the jail, so her letters are light and sort of hard to read. Especially on yellow paper. She says in many ways it’s worse there than Estrella cuz they can’t have things like radios, and not even hair conditioner or lotion. Without my lotion and Chapstick, I’d be totally lost! I’d be as dried out as an old lady.

They painted the place gray-blue, she wishes they’d have something else on TV instead of the news, and the inmates won’t let her eat in peace cuz they beg for food off her tray.

She has a cavity, and naturally, they’d just pull it there and not fix it, so she’s going to try to hold out so she can save the tooth. Me, I’d rip every single one of my molars out if I could!

The little favor was for me to look up what sentence an inmate got that she knew at Estrella. One that came after I left. That was no biggie.

She asked what I like about Oregon, versus Arizona, and what color is my hair. I told her 20% gray, but Tom, who says I don’t understand math, says it’s 1%. Well, I do have a lot of hair on my head!

She said hurricane season was really scary. Yeah, I wondered how she was taking it. I think I’d have found it exciting as long as I knew I wouldn’t be harmed. She said they never lost power, but the lights flickered and it was just a gray blur outside with palm trees bent sideways.

She fears José will kill himself if he doesn’t hear from her, and I’m like, please! Of course I didn’t tell her this, but his death might be doing us both a huge favor, though she’d just pick up with some other inmate somewhere else. She’s a bad boy lover. She just can’t seem to help herself. She feels certain the guy’s going to get clemency in 6-7 years. I think she’s going to be very disappointed in the end.

TUESDAY, MARCH 22, 2005 Surprisingly, there were no favors from Mary today or yesterday, but God am I ever so sorry I found José for her! Then again, she does tend to write in clumps. Today she should have my first letter saying I don’t think I should do any typing for her so she doesn’t have to worry about any false motives, and because the printer’s always so finicky. I started writing her a letter by hand, knowing that this other printer would go on the fritz any moment, and recommended she use my handwriting as a sample in letters to José. She should write rather than print and use pens, too. I also recommended the usage of punctuation and paragraphs whenever she changes subjects, but Mary’s always been hell-bent on writing her own way, so far.

Next door’s still quieter than usual. Is that the sign of the end to come of our time here? For some reason, things not only start off quiet when we move, but they go quiet before we move, too. Tom’s going to speak to Pam tomorrow. Meanwhile, I only heard them make a pass once yesterday and once today. I looked over there late last and things are still brightly lit as usual. I see the computer on in the daughter’s living room, but I never see anyone at it. There were balloons tied to the chair in front of it. What’s weird is that she’s got a nightlight in the kitchen yet you’d think it’d be a waste with the living room light streaming in.

They were all psyched at work yesterday because he fixed a printer that no one else could fix. The owners are a sister and brother team, and the sister talked about giving Tom a certificate to eat out as a way of saying “thanks,” but we’ll believe it when we see it. With all the people that have us do for them for nothing, I have to see it to believe it. It was funny, though, when Tom said that if they gave us the certificate and then he quit to go work elsewhere, he’d be like, thanks for dinner, have a good life now! Whether he stays or not, I think he deserves the certificate.

Meanwhile, he has an interview at a place that rebuilds old transmissions that starts off at $8 - $8.50. That’s what the bank started him off at, and at the end of his 8 years there, he was at $16, but I don’t expect to be in Oregon for 8 years! Anything’s possible, though. What looks promising about it is that it’s a bigger company so they’d be more likely to offer insurance for both of us without taking so much money. So, although it wouldn’t be significantly more money at first, we’d at least be insured, and he’d have a shot at overtime and advances.

The only sucky thing is that in order to get to California, we’d have to be torn down and start all over again. Even if we could manage to hang onto what stuff we have left without having to pawn things or play motel for too long, he’d still have to start from scratch and work his way up from the bottom. I don’t know, maybe our best bet would be better to stay in Oregon either until the queen dies or he retires. Then again, we aren’t out to do our “best bet” or else we would move into that $300 studio that includes utilities and suffer from the noise, the chaos and the lack of sleep we’d no doubt be in for. And of course that would also include a major lack of space and privacy in a studio.

I just hope we can find a house on a busy street. It’s the low-traffic streets that they tend to sit out in their vehicles blasting music. They’re not going to play them unless they know others can hear them, and while they could be heard here, they know it’s even easier to hear them when you don’t have all this traffic going by. Low-traffic streets also tend to have more kids out making a ruckus. I wish we could end up next to old folks or those who are single, but I know that if there were houses next to us, they’d contain families. God could never be that kind to us until and if we ever did make it into a retirement community. And dogs too, of course, but at least I could blast my stereo and not worry about what I did or about Bev moving and trouble moving in that we’d have to be attached to.

Something got jarred loose when he switched printers, so this weekend he’ll open up the case, unplug everything, then replug things in really tight.

SUNDAY, MARCH 20, 2005 Yes, I think resuming contact with Mary might’ve been a mistake after all. I don’t know. I have such mixed emotions about it. It’s just that she’s such a pest with all the damn requests! Who does she think I am? Her slave? I apparently misunderstood her. I thought I was to enclose José’s letters with mine, but she wants me to type up letters to him, which are novels, and then send them to him. This is because the place they just transferred him to recognized her handwriting and sent her letters back to him. I appreciate the fact that she sent 2 books of stamps and 20 envelopes and offered to send paper too, but she really should’ve waited for a response to the request. That’s nice that she was willing to send $25 a month in stamps and more, but she doesn’t understand that I don’t have the time and ink money for this. Unless you’ve got the money to keep replacing old cartridges with new ones, printing’s a major bitch that’s hit or miss. As it is, Tom had to swap our printers because we simply couldn’t get the Lexmark to print. So now I’m back to my old Epson. Like I said, I just wish she would have waited because now I’ve got all these stamps and stamped envelopes. I asked if she wanted me to send them to her aunt or just keep them. She hasn’t even gotten my last letter. In that letter, I really put my foot down about the favors and not wanting to do any typing jobs for others. I have enough typing of my own to do, regardless of ink costs and printer problems. She really overwhelms me at times.

Also, after saying in her last letter that she didn’t want to publish her book, she wants me to consider typing it to completion for her under a fictitious name and claim that any events related to real-life circumstances are purely coincidental. Again, I told her I don’t like doing favors for others, especially big ones, and explained the printer problems and the fact that it’s too time-consuming. I also reminded her for the millionth time that she’d be better off waiting till she gets out of there. She can’t get any money from it in custody. I appreciate the fact that she trusts me to hold any book sale money for her and how she says she’ll give me some, but I just wish she’d wait till she can be independent and learn to take care of herself. I know it’s hard to be independent in jail, but she can only expect others to do so much for her. Another reason I don’t want the job of typing her letters to this loser is that I don’t want to risk getting into any trouble. Remember, I’m the one that can’t get away with shit. I’m a white Jew living in a Christian country of increasing color, so I don’t want to set myself up for trouble. Meanwhile, I recommend she consider disguising her handwriting and having her aunt send letters like she has been, even though they can’t talk as freely as they’d like to that way. I told her I hoped things would work out, and I do. It’s just that I don’t want to get involved and I don’t want to be responsible for their silly, naïve little communications. It’s just so absurd the things they say and believe! I don’t know why he was transferred, but they’re supposedly really strict there, and José’s supposedly trying to get clearance from the warden so they can communicate, but I don’t see how he stands a chance. I encouraged Mary to just hang on and keep in mind that she’s not going to be locked up forever.

I know it’s dishonest of me, but I told her I sent José the first 17-page letter she sent me to type up since she already sent me the letter without waiting for a reply, but that I wouldn’t send any more, and to tell him not to send any to me to send to her. In a week from now, I’ll claim that the letter was returned with no explanation. Meanwhile, unless she wants me to send them to her aunt, I got a lot of stamps and stamped envelopes out of this frustration!

This doesn’t mean I won’t send any emails for her if they’re quick and not too often or do little things like that and occasional online research, but the book and letter carting are just too much for me. There is one request I can handle each time I write her. She asked me to burn incense while I type the letters which makes them smell like heaven – no problem. It does smell great! I wouldn’t mind sending her a light bulb ring and any oil I may try and not like once she’s out.

I believe her when she says she’d do me favors if I needed them, but other than keeping tabs on Teddy Bear back in Estrella, I can’t imagine her ever being in a position to do me any favors.

I also had to get on her for overstuffing envelopes and causing us to pay some of the postage. Given all the stamps she sent, 23¢ is no hardship on us, but in the future, I hope she’ll be more careful. I also told her she need not send any religious material to me. I just hate to see her waste her time and money sending me things I’m not interested in.

Mary has a lot of good traits. She’s a sweet, compassionate, generous and forgiving soul, but she’s also a pest, naïve and obviously unsure of herself. First she wasn’t going to have any more kids, now she wants to have either a son named Dante with José or a daughter named Bella with him.

She’s also still paranoid I’m going to post her book online and I had to again explain to her that I have no desire to do so. She said I could use her name in a book of mine once she’s released, but as I told her, I really don’t see why I’d need to. I’ve used other names and places I know, but her name or life story wouldn’t fit into any future projects that I can see.

She shared some of her and José’s sexual fantasies and desires with me in her letter and some of them are utterly sick and disgusting! She says José wants her to be a little dominatrix and the thought of that excites her. To each their own, but I don’t see how one can be excited about the prospect of beating someone they’re supposed to love, or of being beaten. I had to laugh when she said she wished she could have sex with herself cuz that would turn José on. It’s just funny hearing someone say how they’d love it if they could have sex with themselves. The disgusting part is that José wants her to pee all over his face. That’s sick! It also goes to show just what kind of guy he is, but of course, she can’t see it. She’s got this false delusion of him getting out, them marrying, then having kids and living happily ever after. Even if he could get out of there, which I doubt, they would never be allowed to associate with one another. Especially him. She may not end up on probation for life, but he certainly will if he gets out. They simply don’t let convicted murderers go that easily, and when they do, they tend to keep them on parole.

Tom learned that our new little dumpster isn’t for recyclables. He said every house on the block but ours has one of these for regular trash, and also a bigger one for recyclables. I don’t know why we don’t have a recycling dumpster, but we’re not gonna be here much longer anyway if all goes well. It’s nice to have these for trash in the meantime because it’s on wheels and has a lid.

I see a pattern beginning to form next door. This is the second weekend where those guys come over, they do a barbecue, toss some knives, then it’s dead quiet all weekend. I’d say somebody over there is taking off for the weekend with them. If there is a pattern, that means they’ll go back and forth tomorrow like crazy.

I know it can’t hurt anything by doing this, but I wonder if Tom’s losing it, too. He actually carried out one of the rituals that are supposed to remove curses. I was laughing, teasing him about being just as bad as Mary, though I did help him with it. You pour 3 drops of oil into a small bowl of water, place a small needle through the eye of a bigger needle and put it in the bowl. Then you add dabs of salt to it while you take scissors and cut at it and chant, “Eyes against eyes, return to sender.” He thinks it worked, but I doubt it. I still say the curse was put on us by God and that you just can’t fight God.

Someone went down the street just now shouting, “I love this woman!” I guess it’s based on a commercial where a man gives a woman either an engagement ring or a necklace or something like that. At first I thought it was Romeo screaming at Bev, who’s become a bit of a klutz. We’ve heard a few bumps and bangs over there that suggest she may’ve dropped things. I don’t think it’s the animals.

SATURDAY, MARCH 19, 2005 It’s been rainy, quiet, and Bev’s gone again.

Tom’s been working on my story and he says it’s such a good story that he feels it’s all the more reason we ought to do it up as best we can. In fact, he feels it’s such a good story that he thinks we can get it published anywhere and not by just a gay/les/bi company. I appreciate the vote of confidence, but I don’t know about that. Yes, there are some books with gay characters in the mainstream, but they’re usually not the main characters, and the authors are usually males. Again, it’s still a man’s world out there, like it or not. For a woman to sell a book with gay main characters, well, I don’t know about that.

He was also searching online for writing tips. One of the things he came up with suggests the author “do an interview” with their characters. At least the main ones anyway. This allows the writer to better develop them so that the reader gets to know them better and sees them as you do. You ask them mostly trivial questions, I guess.

Tom’s getting to be as bad as Mary. He came to me all excited about this ceremony you perform to rid yourself of curses. Then again, maybe we ought to try it. If it works we’d be free to die (as in how we always used to say that we knew we wouldn’t die young because that’d defeat the purpose of whatever wants us to live a cursed life).

FRIDAY, MARCH 18, 2005 That’s two blacks I’ve seen walking down the street today. That’s not good. I don’t like that at all. It only serves as a reminder that these second-class citizens are out there.

I thought I’d be hungrier than I have been seeing that as of last night, we ran out of food. All that’s here is peanut butter, bread, ketchup and mayo. I made toast in the oven a few hours ago and put peanut butter on it. Meanwhile, Tom should be in any second.

We’ve now got pails for recycling. I was wondering why we didn’t have those since that seems to be a big thing everywhere, but I saw them deliver them today. They’re smaller than the ones we had in Phoenix and an ugly shade of dark green rather than medium blue.

I’ve been a little too busy to write because I got a bit of a surprise in the mail. I got 3 letters from Mary. My first thought when Tom came in the door with them was that she was writing to tell me off. His response to that was, “And it took her 3 letters to do it?” When he mentioned mail from Mary, I didn’t think there were 3 letters till he handed them to me!

Hopefully, I won’t regret resuming the friendship. There were a few things I read that bugged me. As it is, she’s already asking for favors. She wants me to let José mail his letters to me for me to mail to her so he can speak more freely. They were using her aunt and his mother, who now lives in Puerto Rico, to do the carting. She assured me she’d send stamps. I told her I’d do it as long as they didn’t go getting carried away and didn’t cost me additional stamp money. I also told her I didn’t think I should type for her. That way she won’t get any false ideas about me doing it for some hidden, evil, selfish motive. Printing’s too much of a bitch anyway, we’re always so broke, and well, it’s just that I hate to do favors for others. They always get carried away on me and I end up overwhelmed and spending money I don’t have. I can handle an occasional email as long as she doesn’t give me a novel to send, and of course, I’m not doing for her friends. I’m much busier these days with my own writing to be spending much time on others and too broke to spend the money. I may have a ton of envelopes right now, but paper, ink and stamps add up quickly. Since saying “no” is often hard for her, I hope she’ll remember not to tell the whole damn pod there what I have, so they don’t all pressure her into asking favors of me themselves. Of course, I can say “no” with no problem, but that way she won’t have to go through any bullshit, cuz if I say “no” they’ll take it out on her. Even she said the place weighs heavy on her at times and she has to deal with a lot of assholes there.

The only other thing that bugged me was that she sounds like more and more of a religious fanatic by the minute, talking about how all of heaven loves her and how she’s freeing souls from purgatory. To each their own, but it does get to be a bit much with her. That’s how Andy ended up. I still feel most people get this way simply because they can’t face reality and that most of what they believe is hogwash, but oh well. Whatever turns her on. Despite the fact that I’ve told her time and time again that I don’t believe God’s good, for the most part, and that I don’t do prayer, she sent a prayer and a web address to a Catholic site, saying that if I ever felt like getting her a gift, she’d like something pertaining to angels and something else. I guess they’re books? Anyway, I didn’t bother to check out the site, I’m not in a position to send gifts and if I were, I probably wouldn’t. That way the person wouldn’t have to feel obligated to send me something in return. Other than sending Paula incense and CDs every now and then, I’m just not big on favors and gift swapping.

Anyway, she said she never dumped me and that I’m welcomed back with open arms. That’s really sweet of her, but I thought she was just as finished with me as I was with her only because she went over 4 weeks without writing. She’d never gone longer than that, but she says that after I told her off like best friends do every now and then, she thought everything was ok. She said she was hurt and angry over the letter but understood where I was coming from and that I was going through an awfully hard time, etc. She prayed for God to do good things for me, too. Well, He didn’t. And I’m sure He’s not going to let Tom have the job he put in for that pays $2700 a month and that he’s way, way qualified for, either. He’s applicant #39 out of 50. I guess they only want 50 people or at least 50 applicants so they can maybe narrow it down to the top 10 or something. He put in for other jobs, too. They only pay a little more than he’s making now, so there’s potential there.

Another thing she said didn’t bother me, but it was rather funny. I believe it, too. Typical paranoia and hype of those in law enforcement. Well, she supposedly sent my last letter to her lawyer, and according to the lawyer, he was insisting I sounded like a “woman scorned,” so I assured her there was not one stitch of sexual attraction for her on my part. Also, he was “disturbed over my feelings towards José.” Being in a country that’s so protective of its non-whites, I don’t doubt this.”

She says the trial’s been postponed to the 5-year marker, whatever that is because Monster’s got some new hotshot lawyer. She’s still sure that come sentencing day, she’ll go home. I hope so and that she doesn’t go to prison, because in prison, attitudes are much different. It may be more comfortable there, but if someone who’s in for life with no chance of parole and nothing to lose happens to want to kill her, what’s to stop them?

She says she doesn’t want to publish her book these days and that the hypocrites of the world aren’t worthy of reading it. She says that for now, it’ll be a journal for her son to one day read. She asked me about my book, and I told her about PD Publishing.

I was hoping she’d be done with José by now or that he’d be killed, but no chance of that happening anytime soon! In fact, the cock let some Hispanic gang initiate him into it so he could be safer. The Latin Kings, I guess it was. I was hoping he’d be out of the picture simply so she wouldn’t pester me with things like carting letters, but if it wasn’t him, it’d just be something else. I’ll just be sure to put my foot down whenever the requests get too much.

I’m also not going to bother sending many journal excerpts. That way I have the freedom to write freely without having to edit this or edit that, and I have less to print. This cheap shit of a printer is hit or miss. In fact, I’ll probably do short letters by hand.

I can’t think of anything else she discussed other than her academic achievements and how she wants to learn Italian because she’s part Italian.

Anyway, we agreed to forgive each other of our faults, and as I said, I’m not in the habit of forgiving, so hopefully I won’t end up making a mistake in resuming contact with her. I know I could always cut her off for good if I had to so I’m not too worried about it. For now, I realize certain things are more forgivable than others.

Later…

Bev’s been out ever since I awoke at 10 AM. This is a definite record for her. Meanwhile, they got on my nerves with the knife-throwing next door. Fortunately, it was only for a few minutes, but I still found it annoying. Also, it could be heard over the fan, so now I gotta sleep with earplugs on when I’m sleeping during most of the day. If the weather report is right, they should get rained indoors over the weekend. They were also barbecuing, too. I guess this may be a Friday night ritual with them. If those guys don’t live there, they may be at least spending weekends there.

Tom repotted my new palm. Hopefully, it’ll make it and hopefully, I won’t lose it in one of our many future moves.

He also helped me download some new cursors from a sight that doesn’t add a lot of shit on your computer along with it.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16, 2005 Sure enough, I hear her washer swishing away next door. Is this going to become a daily ritual? I would be sort of surprised if she hung clothes out today. It’s awfully cloudy out there.

Also sure enough, next door is hopping back and forth, and even stood outside to have a quick convo yesterday evening, as well as this morning. It’s getting old. These people are getting way outdoorsy on me which tells me that true to vibed, they will live out there all day when the weather warms up for sure. Today’s supposed to be 53º and mostly cloudy. Tomorrow’s supposed to be a degree cooler with rain and snow (I doubt it’ll snow).

For now, if we could just get into a house that doesn’t have dogs and screaming kids in the neighboring yard, and if he could get a better-paying job, that would be great. However, I don’t sense $10 or more dollars an hour for 3 years. This leaves a very big question – if California truly is meant to be, then how do we get there? We may be trapped here indefinitely. Then again, I only sense a year and a half, and Tom had some new ideas. Gas is outrageous right now thanks to those fucking Arabs who just have to fuck with us in every way they can every chance they get. This truck isn’t great on gas mileage, so he was thinking of selling it for an old used car. There was a Nissan Centra they were giving away for free the other day in the paper. All it needed was a new transmission which he says you can get at a junkyard for under $200. So if we get a car that not only saves on gas, but that has a hitch, we could get a trailer for much cheaper to make the move in. Then the question will be where to put the stuff and where to stay once we get there. More than likely, we’ll be stuck playing storage and motels again, a game God seems to like us to play.

Not that there’s money to be in a position to make the choice right now, but a part of me still thinks I shouldn’t get any more dolls. Incense is one thing because it’s something you use up and you don’t keep. It’s just that I saw how easy it is to come so close to losing everything like we nearly did, so I’m hesitant to get any more dolls. What’s to say we won’t end up in that situation again, and what’s to say we won’t lose everything the next time around? When we finally get down there, we’ll probably have to play the storage/motel game, like I said, which means anything could go wrong during that time to cause us to lose our stuff and end up on the streets. One is always more vulnerable until they get established.

Later…

Bev is hanging clothes out after all. It appears to be the same stuff she did yesterday. It must be her new daily ritual. Oh well. What’s a bored 51-year-old living next to an ex-con to do with her time? At least she’s a fairly silent presence. I’ve been up just over 2 hours and already next door has hopped across 7 times. Oh well again. I know other people’s noise is as much a part of our fate as a lack of money. I’m sure there’ll be barking dogs next to us in the house, but I think it’d be a worthy trade-off. Especially since it doesn’t seem customary to have your dogs live in the yards here. All but the blue house across the street has dogs and they all spend the bulk of the time indoors. If this place were in Arizona, then I’d want to stay here. But here, how often can little Susie and Johnny be out playing with Spot and Fido?

TUESDAY, MARCH 15, 2005 Again with the laundry hanging out. She had Roto-Rooter over yesterday, so maybe that’s why. If she had a clogged drain, though, why didn’t she just pour a drain de-clogger down the drain? It must’ve been a bad one and it must’ve been where the washer is because that’s where I heard them fiddling around. The clog must’ve held her up from doing as much laundry as she wanted. She definitely has a dryer over there too, so if she’s got a dryer, then why hang the clothes out? To save money? Or is it God’s way of annoying me by having me see people I don’t want to see, and stealing more of my privacy?

Next door’s back to the usual catcalls and hopping back and forth. They also replaced the bright floodlight bulb that burned out a week or two ago that I hoped they’d be too lazy to replace. I don’t get why they feel they need so much light outside when the light spilling out of both sides lights it up pretty damn bright enough.

Between them and Bev, I feel like I have no singing privacy whatsoever. I know I’m not a bad singer, and it’s not like I care what they think of it, it’s just that I like privacy on the home front. I know, though, that it’ll be years before we ever have space around us again if we ever do at all, so I don’t let it stop me from doing my thing.

Later…

It hit me the other day, that yes, we will get anniversary, birthday and Christmas money this year as usual. Tom had said he doubted we would because of how we’ve been ignoring them. However, I realize that whatever’s up there will see to it that they do pay up in order to stop me from having the wonderful gratification of speaking my mind and pissing them off really well. Because I decided that them stiffing us out of our anniversary and birthday would be a good final excuse to let them have it (preferably by regular mail so that the bitch reads it, rather than just hears the main highlights as would be the case if I emailed it), I think God will see to it that they send the usual money so I keep my mouth shut. If we were rich, I’d tell them off figuring that the few hundred bucks a year we get from them isn’t worth it, but we’re so damn broke that we need every extra penny we can get. See, God not only likes to see my perps get away with fucking me over, He likes me to keep my mouth shut, too. Oh well. I won’t be dying to tell them off forever (especially the queen) because she’s not going to live forever. Too many more years, but not forever. I know she’s in relatively good health too, or else they’d be crying to us about it in their letters. Unfortunately, though, that bitch hasn’t even got a toe in the grave yet, let alone a whole foot.

Roto-Rooter was here again. I guess that means another load of laundry will be hung out tomorrow.

MONDAY, MARCH 14, 2005 Wow, again with the laundry. That Bev does laundry every few days! She was out yesterday for what were more hours than I’ve ever known her to be since I’ve lived here. I’ve also never known her to hang laundry out this early either. She usually waits till around noon or later. Maybe she’s taking off all day again and that’s why she’s getting it out of the way now.

The last two days were next door’s quietest ever as Friday was their noisiest. The temperature’s going back down, so I don’t expect much from them over the next few days. It’s only going to be in the high 50s today and tonight it’s supposed to drop to the high teens. I thought they may’ve actually gone away which shocked the shit out of me. I just didn’t think these people would have the desire or even the guts to go anywhere. There’s a word for it – something phobia – for people who are afraid to leave their homes. Another possibility is that they got into a fight or that just one of them took off somewhere. Either way, I cannot complain. I don’t miss the door-slamming, and of course, I can do without the knife-tossing, too.

Tom, who insists on keeping an open mind, was looking up ways to kill our financial curse, but like I tried to explain to him, it’s not a curse, it’s fate, and you can’t fight fate or alter destiny in any way. I try to keep an open mind too, but I know I’d only be kidding myself in trying to find ways to get more money. You can’t do what’s not meant to be. The way the Phoenix and Maricopa houses had so many leaks; that was a curse. And once we stopped living in things we owned, it stopped. Money, however, is going to always be an issue for us no matter where we go or what’s going on in our lives. Like it or not, it’s simply something we’ll never ever have again, and it’ll be years before he’s making $10 or more an hour. Like at least 3 years. Meanwhile, he is still going to look for better jobs, but the “better job” may simply be another dime more per hour, and benefits for both of us. Maybe some overtime, too.

I did some sewing yesterday, using natural light which I seem to see much better in rather than artificial light. I sewed what was supposed to be a dress for the Tonners, but it ended up too small and on Barbie instead.

SATURDAY, MARCH 12, 2005 Although they were rather comatose next door as opposed to what we had in Phoenix, it’s looking more and more like we are going to get out of here in 50 days. Tom’s pretty sure that this management company will have no problem with transferring our deposit. Even if we can only get two more feet of breathing space, at least we won’t have anyone attached to us and I can blast my music and not worry about running around and doing tasks that may make a racket, unless he’s sleeping, of course.

Surprisingly, I haven’t heard much from next door today, though it’s not exactly their prime time yet.

My cavity is doing ok now, but it acts up on and off. I’ve decided not to bother with the queen, which I would’ve had to do by regular mail or else Dave would’ve played blind to any email I may’ve sent and made like he didn’t get the message. Unless it’s to tell her just what I think of her, just because I can and just because it’d make me feel good to do so and to piss her off like she’s pissed me off for years now, the thought of begging her makes me sick. The thought of being pen pals, visiting or doing anything with that selfish bitch, makes me utterly want to puke. I have come to loathe all three of them. For a while, Dave seemed like the only cool one left until he tried to ignore our pleas for help when we first got here. That showed me he was just as bad as the rest of them. Anyway, Tom’s going to look into some sort of dental plan that’ll allow us to make payments.

This weekend we’re going to work more on my story. We want to intensify some parts of it and hopefully stretch it to around 75,000 words to leave a cushion for if they accept it and edit it, figuring they’re going to take stuff out and not add stuff in.

What appeared to be Bev’s son and a few kids were next door briefly, but other than hearing the front door and a bit of squealing, there was no banging of any kind. The son seemed pretty pissed at one point, but I couldn’t tell at whom. Hopefully at his mom so he won’t be by for our remaining time here.

Tom had a “radical” idea last night, as he put it. That would be to pack the truck of everything but the plants and a few other things and to go to a motel in Sacramento, which would have more jobs available, using what would’ve been May’s rent money, our deposit, and whatever he could get from unemployment. Then he’d scramble to find a job and a house to rent.

While it may sound good and simple, I don’t like the idea at all. We’ve done radical before, and radical only gets us in trouble. For one, I think it would take several truckloads just to transport the bare essentials, even though we have significantly less than we did when we came here. I’d also be paranoid about running out of money before we got established, and of the one-month stay in a motel turning out to be a few months. I do not want to return to playing motel! We also don’t want to have to cram things in such a tiny space again like we had to when we left Arizona.

So, we both agreed in the end that we’d rather Klam it than cram it. This means we’ll rent a house here, and that’s ok because I know it won’t be for too long and that we’ll eventually get to California. It was meant to be. I’m thinking it’ll only be for a year or two. We may buy a few pieces of cheap furniture from the local Goodwill, then donate it back to them when we move.

I’m just glad God didn’t hate us enough to cause Tom to lose his job when we first started playing motel here. If that had happened, we’d have lost everything, and we’d have had to stay in a shelter. I think I’d have killed myself for damn sure if that had happened!

At the same time it’s easy for me to bitch about all the moving we’ve done and the changes we’ve been through, would I really have been any happier if things had stayed the same year after year? Like Miss Perfect who’s lived in the same state all her life, had the same number, the same email address, the same job, the same house, etc., for well over a decade.

FRIDAY, MARCH 11, 2005 It’s good to know that while not in my case, at least in some other cases, judges really do get what they deserve. After all, when we play God with other people’s lives and toy with people as if they were mere robots or pieces of clay, we’re asking for trouble. Period. As I said in the message I posted in a forum in regards to a certain article I read online about a judge whose husband and mother were shot to death (I meant it when I said I wouldn’t let the sickos scare me out of adding my two cent’s worth, and if others can get away with using racial slurs, then I can certainly get away with what I said which was pretty mild), I have personally seen too much injustice and abuse within our legal system by insensitive, power-hungry control freaks. They think they’re invincible and already this judge is “feeling safer” now that they know white supremacists aren’t responsible. It was a man dying of cancer whose malpractice lawsuit was dismissed by this bitch. He killed himself at a traffic light when the pigs pulled him over and left a suicide note implicating himself in the murders, which DNA from a cigarette butt later confirmed. While it’s easy to say that it’s unfair that two innocent people were killed, maybe this will send a message to judges everywhere that, no, they’re not God. This judge wouldn’t even listen to the man’s malpractice suit. What’s one to do in a case like that? Go home and say, “Oh well, shit happens?” I wasn’t there, but I think the bitch was simply in a hurry that day. Perhaps she was overworked and overwhelmed with too many cases, and so the quickest cure for that was to dismiss as many cases as she could to get caught up. Nonetheless, I don’t feel the least bit sorry for this judge. I just think she should’ve been the one to get killed. Then again, because it was her family and not her, she’ll have to live with what she’s done and with the knowledge that she’ll never see her husband or mother again, assuming they were close enough to be worth missing. She’ll also have to live with her children’s grief, and maybe – maybe – she’ll be looking over her shoulder from now on, too. That won’t be a very fun way to live.

Another one that’s going to get what he deserves if he doesn’t cut the shit is Bob. His letters are decent for a while, but then I have to remind him yet again not to bring up sexual stuff and so on in a never-ending cycle of shit. He’s just a natural slut. A natural pervert living up to his label and reputation. It’s ok, though, he’s going to die in a couple of years, so he says. Until then, I don’t want to hear it, and I warned him that if he writes anything sexual that’s not the contents of a joke, I’m gone. I’m not going to ask again for him to knock it off, I’m just walking for good.

Bev may be cool, but I’m still hoping to move. Not just because I want to be in a place that isn’t attached to others, but so I don’t have to have people right outside the window. They’re already starting to hang outside more often and it hasn’t been that warm yet. Yeah, I knew God didn’t reserve this side for us without a reason. Nonetheless, I hope we find something with more breathing space that’s cheaper. Or at least not more expensive than here.

By next Tuesday we’re supposed to be having highs only in the low 50s which is more normal for this time of year. We’re also going back to having a 40-degree difference between the highs and lows. Although that’s not good for the electric bill, it should deter them from thinking of hanging outside too much.

Several nights ago I peeked over there because it had been a while. As usual, the place was wide open and fairly well-lit. Both sides were. At one point as I was gazing into Crystal’s side, I was like, oh wow, what a pretty aquarium. But then I realized it was a screen saver on a large monitor I was looking at.

Bev sure is a laundry fanatic. Yesterday she was hanging out what appeared to be rugs.

Later…

They’ve been going back and forth like crazy all morning and afternoon. I usually only hear 2-3 passes between 7 AM and the late afternoon, yet they’ve already made at least half a dozen passes. Just what are they doing? Are they running a home business or what? They must be up to something to need to see each other that often. I hope it’s not a weather thing. If they’re coming and going this often in the mid-70s, then I hate to think of what the 80s and 90s may bring.

I am so sick of that cavity flaring up! I’m also so tempted to write the queen and say something like: I’m writing this in the hopes that you would be willing to help me with a dental problem I’ve been having for many months now that’s getting much worse. I have a cavity that flares up on me regularly and I need badly to get the tooth either pulled or filled. However, his job doesn’t offer dental. I am uninsured altogether because they would take an additional dollar an hour from his pay to insure me and we certainly can’t afford that. Also, I’m cleaning houses and babysitting under the table, so there’s no real money or benefits there either. A dentist would want to do an initial exam and then take some X-rays before they do anything. I don’t know exactly how much this would cost. Perhaps a few hundred dollars. I’m asking you to please, please help me out here, and I’m only asking for a few hundred, not a few thousand. I’m in a lot of pain and am sometimes tempted to pull the tooth myself, though I don’t want to have to do that. We’re supposed to be family here, and well, I don’t understand why you won’t help us simply because we’ve needed help before. We did not ask to be in this predicament and if we could help ourselves, we would. Please remember all the things Tom has done to help you in the past without ever saying “no more.” He wouldn’t do that to you. I hope you will care enough to help me out here. It would be greatly appreciated and I will gladly send you a copy of the dental receipt to show you that the money truly did go for that if you want me to.

If it doesn’t accomplish anything anymore than his last letter did, could it really hurt? If anything it’d just give me more of a reason to let them have it when the time is right, and I figure I’ll know when the time is right, and let them know what insensitive, selfish assholes they are. This tooth isn’t going to hold out much longer, so if no one gives a damn enough to fill it, then I will have to pull it myself.

I often read the headlines on my homepage, and when I see shit like 50 Cent selling 1.1 million records in 4 days, it really burns me up. Like most rappers, he’s a former drug dealer and a current druggie who’s also violent. He uses his rap, also like most rappers, to vent his hatred towards whites and to preach racial harmony while he continues to shit on everyone. And I mean everyone. They have no more respect for each other than they do for us. Rival rappers are constantly threatening each other, and some have even actually killed one another.

The point is, what do we have to do to make money? Deal drugs ourselves? Kill someone? Why is it that more often than not, the most undeserving of people are the ones to succeed while people like Tom and I who just want to live in peace and not get any shit from anyone, can never seem to get ahead no matter what? And when we do get ahead, it’s not for long.

Later…

Next door has been annoying on and off for most of the day. Not only are they slamming doors and barbecuing, but two young guys are now throwing knives like Bev told me they did. At least the fan seems to be drowning them out and I haven’t heard any music, little kids or dogs. It fucking figures, though. It totally fucking figures! It’s like, thanks, God. Thanks a fucking lot! And for having my tooth act up when we’re broke and I’m uninsured! It’s like my whole life is listening to noisy people and struggling! I knew it, too. I knew from day one that these would be very outdoorsy people anytime it was over 50 or 60 degrees.

THURSDAY, MARCH 10, 2005 I know this is just a dream, but without dreams, what do I have to look forward to other than a life of struggles and loss? Well, since a silicone doll is out of the question, custom porcelain dolls and Ashton-Drake dolls are too expensive, and PG dolls, along with Barbies aren’t quite as nice, I’ve decided to focus on expanding my Tonner doll collection. They’re overpriced too, and some of their dressed dolls can be as high as $300. However, most of the ones I like are in the $50 - $170 range.

What I like about Tonners as opposed to porcelains is that they’re vinyl so they can’t break easily, they have no soft-bodied parts, they have rooted hair, nicer outfits, and I’ve never had a problem getting them. I also like how they all have the same body molds so I can put their clothes on any of them, be it Tyler, Mei Li, Esme, or any of their friends I’d like to get like Sydney, Carrie, Kit, Angelina, etc. I think it would be cool to have different versions of the same doll, too. I have a brunette Tyler and there’s a redheaded and blond version of her I’d like as well. I just wish they weren’t so expensive! I think it’s because they’re limited editions which is silly. Wouldn’t it make more sense to make more of them and lower the prices so that more people could afford them?

I sent pictures of a few dolls to a site I’ve gotten dolls from before that say to let them know if you want to sell them any dolls, but they haven’t responded yet. I was hoping that if I couldn’t get cash for them, they’d at least let me use them to trade with, but I know I couldn’t get that lucky.

Tom and I were laughing about how Bev was going on about ex-cons in Redding and Yreka, never knowing she’s living right smack next to one herself!

As we both agreed, though, her logic makes no sense. If ex-cons flocked to borders, then they’d be at the borders of all states, and since K-Falls is a border town, there’d be tons of them here, too.

I definitely don’t regret leaving Arizona, despite the few things I miss about it, but I still don’t know if “Klamming it” was such a bright idea. That’s ok, we’ll be in California someday. We’ll have to be cuz he can’t get much more than what he’s making here. A part of me wishes we didn’t mind crowds cuz it’s the big cities that have it all. If we didn’t mind, I know I’d want to go to San Diego. Wherever we do end up going, I just want to get settled in someplace we both like for at least 10 years! Wouldn’t that be nice?

I went to call Paula like I do each month, but I got a recording saying her number’s been changed to a non-published one. No doubt it’s because of the lovely men she associates with.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 9, 2005 I was right. Mary’s not going to respond unless she’s taking her time to decide whether or not I’m worth it. I suppose it’s better if she doesn’t and that I should stick to my rule of once broken up always broken up. As I got older I came to believe less in forgiveness as well as in playing kiss and makeup. I think that if a certain couple or friendship was meant to last, then there wouldn’t have been a breakup in the first place and that if you do have a spat that causes a breakup, there’ll be others as well.

The best and most shocking news is that Tom got a raise, even though it’s just 25¢. So that’s $40 extra a week. Better than nothing, but still insulting when you consider how much money we’ve made/saved others. We’ve lost so much to others and have done so much for others at our expense that it just seems so unfair for people to have profited off us the way they have while we can’t have shit for money. Not even enough to pay for what we need, let alone what we want. We so seldom can get anything for fun these days, and we rarely can pay our bills on time. Once it warms up and we don’t have the big electric bills, maybe it’ll be easier then.

My rage at Queen Marge still burns red hot. Oh, how I wish she’d die! I just don’t understand why God won’t take her. All she does is delay us money we need, take up space, and make more work for Miss Perfect and Dave, who have got to be so sick of having her as their daughter. Their whole marriage has included her in the picture. Like I said, though, I don’t understand why she’s still alive. People need her help and the only way she can help us is if she’s dead and left with no choice! Alive, she’s nothing but a selfish, burden and a punishment, particularly to us, Miss Perfect and Dave. I don’t feel the least bit sorry for Miss Perfect and Dave what with the assholes I’ve come to know them to be over the years and the way they’ve offended, used and insulted us, but I feel bad for my husband and I! The only benefit to her living on is that she’d accumulate more money. However, she could lose most of it if the end is such a long, drawn-out and expensive ordeal. That’s totally something God would do to us too; see that she’s got a lot of money at the very end and then cause her departure to cost a small fortune. And I still don’t think Carol and Steven should get anything either. Not with Carol’s parents being as loaded as they are.

I wish Tom had been an only child. I know part of the reason he was meant to have so many damn siblings is to keep him from getting much money in the end, but if he’d been the only one, we could’ve had her living with us and we’d never have had to struggle. Two’s company, three’s a crowd, yes, and I wouldn’t have liked her tagging along, but we’d never have been as bad off as we have been, and we’d be getting a ton more money in the end.

It’s going to hit 75º, way above normal, in a few days. Meanwhile, it’s just 8º in Springfield. There’s a global warming trend going on that’s warming up some places. Fortunately, we’re one of them, though it’s still cold enough. I miss being able to wear shorts and sleep in the nude!

TUESDAY, MARCH 8, 2005 Bev really is one weird chick, if I heard what I think I heard and that was her having a conversation with herself while she vacuumed. I couldn’t hear that part until I placed my ear on the wall, but when I did, I could tell it was the same chatter I heard in the utility area. In the utility area, I had assumed she was talking on a phone, but maybe she wasn’t. I know there’s no one living there or else we’d have seen/heard evidence of it, and I could tell by the pitch and intonation that it was her and not her TV. Besides, how could you hear if you were talking on the phone while you vacuumed? It must be something she’s aware of and has control over because I’ve never heard her talk to herself outside. The only words I could make out were, “Oh yeah.” Either way, I’d still rather the nut than the wild welfare mom with the equally wild boyfriend and brat.

Later…

I saw Bev out hanging stuff and decided to go out and “get some fresh air.” The truth was I wanted to see if she’d mention moving in case we stay here. She was very friendly, as usual. She said she’ll be here for two years in May, but didn’t mention moving. I didn’t ask about leases/month to month cuz Tom said that wouldn’t be wise. If it got back to the property management, it could get ideas rolling in their minds for raising the rent and that wouldn’t be a good thing if we end up staying here. She asked when our lease was up and I told her and said we didn’t yet know if we were moving.

When I mentioned that we’d one day like to be back in a house, probably in northern California, she said to watch out for all the ex-cons in the Redding/Yreka area. She said they’re given bus tickets when they get out of prison and they go “as high as they can go.” Since they can’t cross the border into Oregon while on probation, they go to those places, she says, but I’m not scared.

She said this has been an extremely mild winter and that they still normally have snow at this time. She said there’d be snow as tall as her every winter as a kid, and once it even snowed in July. She also lived in one other place besides Washington and that’s Germany. She said it was “fun” and that she wouldn’t mind going back there as a civilian and not in the military.

I asked if it got hot in here in the summer and she said she opens her windows/doors in the morning, then closes them and her blinds a while later and it stays nice. Can’t do that in Massachusetts or Arizona! Too humid or too hot.

She said she bought headphones, but that her DVD player may get a little boomy every now and then. I told her she’s been wonderful. It’s true, too. An occasional cabinet, washer and vacuum are nothing. I hear more from next door than from her, but at least I know that if we’re stuck here, we shouldn’t have to worry about her or that she’ll move. Worst case scenario next door comes out and acts up, but I doubt they’ll be Phoenix-bad as long as they keep dogs and people under 12 out of the picture.

I just wish I were more psychic! See, if I could know we could go month to month, next door wouldn’t get too bad, and we were going to make it to Redding in about 6 months or the queen would die soon (that’ll be the day), then I’d say sure, let’s stay put. But if I’m right about the queen not going till ’09 or ’10, and if my two-more-years-in-K-Falls vibe is right, then I’m still all for getting a house. To ask for things to stay peaceful around here for another 2-4 years isn’t very reasonable at all.

Either way, for however long we’re here, it’s nice to know the one attached to us is quiet, respectful and considerate, yet doesn’t bug us. It’s nice compensation after what we’ve had to deal with in the past. I won’t blast her out on our last night here. Although I miss being in a house, not just to avoid others’ noise but also so I can be noisy if I want to crank up the tunes, I’m not as stressed out as I was about it. Like I said, I’d wipe out Mom and Crystal before Bev. So I guess you could say I’m learning to adapt to living with others to a degree, although it doesn’t make me want to socialize either.

I mentioned writing and we got into that. When I told her my main characters were gay so as to get out of an overly competitive mainstream, she thought that was a great idea since the world was pretty diverse anyway.

That’s pretty much all I remember. We only chatted for a few minutes.

What was funny about it was that if Mom and Crystal overheard me mention us both using headphones, they’d think I was the biggest liar. Earlier, when I noticed Bev’s car gone and Crystal’s door open, I blasted my stereo for a short while thinking it was about time they heard me, instead of it being the other way around as usual. I’ve never seen or heard of a family this tight. Makes me wonder just what in the world is really going on with these people.

When we went to Kmart the other day, I saw 4 cars at their places. One in each driveway and one on the street in front of each duplex. That’s a lot of cars for people who are always home. I’m back to not being sure when the hell they sleep. Judging by all the cars, there are probably more people living there than I thought, and some are up during the daytime while others are up all night. They may have their set times when they’re more likely to go hopping back and forth, but I hear doors at any given time of the day and night. So, although there’s a pattern, there’s not. Nothing definitive other than that they’re always there.

MONDAY, MARCH 7, 2005 Only 55 days to go. Supposedly. I think about it, then I say to myself, nah, God ain’t gonna let you out of here anytime soon. Then again, we’re talking about going from one rental to another and not buying a house. That we won’t be allowed to do anytime soon. Also, God wouldn’t exactly be keeping me trapped in a living nightmare if He did make sure we got stuck here unless he has Bev move out and the wrong people move in. It’s not exactly “noisy” here. Since Bev’s cut her bass and kept her animals out of the picture, there are just a few bumps and bangs I could do without and the stress of knowing they’re so damn close. Other than that, this is hardly like the Phoenix house or the NHA.

Despite the poverty and uncertainty going on in our lives, we took $10 yesterday and treated ourselves at Kmart to candy bars, a book, a sample can of Primo and hazelnut cream oil for burners. The only catch is that it stunk once I got it in my lamp ring. I don’t know why, but it had a foul smell mixed in that reminded me of a filthy bathroom. Sort of like how the bathrooms smelled in the rooms the Mexicans had been in when we went to check them out at Tina’s place.

SUNDAY, MARCH 6, 2005 If the warming trend brought Crystal and her mom outside, I didn’t know it. I slept long and well. However, the mid-60s isn’t all that warm. It’s when we get up into the 80s that things may change around here. Bev was hanging clothes as I was falling asleep, but she never wakes me up. Strangely enough, her door, which is attached to our place, never wakes me. I guess it’s all in the angle and positioning of the doors around here that makes the difference.

Not that it really matters much, but if I had the window on Crystal’s side open during the summer, they couldn’t see in here if they were out there. The bedroom windows aren’t as low as the others, for one, and also, because we’re on a hill, the window is even with their roof. Shasta Way isn’t quite as steep of a hill as the street where the triplex was, but it’s steep enough. When I look out front at the white house on the corner versus the yellow house on the other corner, the floor of the white house is even with the roof of the yellow house.

This morning we’re going to go to a bookstore just to get me out for a while. Besides, I only have one book left that I’m halfway through, so I could use more. Although my vibes say we may be in this town another two years, I agreed with Tom to take just a few of the more expensive books I’ve read to trade in with, rather than all the books I’ve got.

I’ve been in a creative, fix-it kind of mood, so I sewed on snaps that had loosened or fallen off of some of the doll’s clothing and things like that. I don’t mind sewing by hand since machines are so unreliable with threads and needles always breaking. I just wish I had my old eyesight back!

We’re going to download some patterns online so I can use some of my material for making new clothes for the Tonner dolls. Most of my material is from the queen, though, so it’s old-fashioned and boring.

Maybe Tom can help me with that arm of Jade’s that’s too long. I think I can make an incision in the cloth, pull out some batting, then have him snap the armature in half, pluck out a bead, then scrunch the arm back together much like they did with mine.

FRIDAY, MARCH 4, 2005 I had a vision of myself being shot to death at age 42, had we stayed on the mountain and built a house there. In the vision, I’m sitting out front when a car, seemingly lost, pulls up. I think it’s people asking for directions or about available land in the area. Two guys get out. One pulls a gun on me before I know what’s happening. I quickly wrestle the gun away and fist his face just as his friend whips out his own gun and guns me down. I get shot in the back and the bullet goes through and pierces my heart.

Dead. Dead in one shot.

Instead, I’ve been fated to live a going-nowhere life filled with hardships and struggles. Filled with settlements and failures. Really, it’s not going to get much better than this. Knowing that even the simplest of wishes can’t come true if we’re the ones doing the wishing, like wishing Walmart would call, is no way to live. Anyone can work at Walmart. Anyone. Except for Tom S. Tom S who was no doubt discriminated against because of his age. It’s just as much of a loss to them as it is to us, though, because they just passed up a damn good worker! Tom says they still may call him because his application will remain active for 60 days, and he reminded me that MCX and that place that made T-shirts didn’t call right away. I know they won’t call because whatever’s up there that’s so against us knows we want them to. I’m just surprised they granted him an interview in the first place. They had no other way of finding out his age until they saw him because it’s against the law to ask a person’s age in an application, and while the lady never came out and asked, you’re talking about a guy who looks like he’s in his early 50s. Walmart has hired older people, but only for petty jobs like greeting customers at the door. This lady was talking about stocking merchandise, in which case they’d want some young stud for the job. As soon as Tom told me she told him not to call him or else they’d be bombarded with calls, I knew she was full of shit when she mentioned contacting him by the end of the week. In other words, what she really meant was, “Don’t call us because we won’t call you because we don’t want you working here.”

So now he has to find a part-time job to supplement the one he’s got because just as I predicted, there’s no higher-paying job for him. At least not here there isn’t. First we were trapped in California by the breakdown and now we’re trapped in Oregon! He can only work two jobs for so long, so it may be a very long time before we can save up enough money to move to Redding. I think we should take advantage of the garage we’ve got and kill ourselves. I really do. The sooner we do it, the sooner we’ll be cutting out of a lot of bullshit in life. I’m sick of how unfair life is, watching all kinds of people with money and things we can never have, going places we can never go, doing things we can never do. It really is a rich man’s world, and I’m tired of looking at life through the window of a locked door, wanting to open it and participate, yet knowing I never can. I’m tired of being screwed by fate, screwed by society. Tom and I did nothing to deserve the shit luck we’ve had other than making some poor decisions. He didn’t work as long and as hard as he has over the years just to get stuck renting a duplex. We both realize it’s better than being homeless, but we’ve been through this before and I can personally say for both of us this: when you don’t have much of a life to go with wherever you’re living, be it a nice place or not, then what’s the point? Just like there was no point in me keeping the beautiful apartment I had in Deerfield just to be broke and miserable, what’s the point of continuing on? What I didn’t know then that I know now is that life is never going to change, and when it does improve, it’s only for a short while. Tom is smart, yet naïvely optimistic when he says that in a couple of years, this will all be history. No, it won’t be. Money will be a problem for us as long as we live. The only difference is that sometimes it’ll be more of an issue than others.

I still have no vibes about moving, but I don’t need to. Again, I know we won’t move because I want to. Seldom does anything happen that I want to happen, and when it does, it’s not that fast. So I know without being psychic that we’ll either be here till November or next May. Maybe even longer. Besides, I don’t think he really wants to move. He’s just not going to come out and say so because he knows I do. That’s just Tom for you. He did this with the kid and he’s done it with other things. Putting his foot down and saying “no” to something only I want to do isn’t an easy thing for him. I’ve learned long ago to go by his actions and not by his words. On the bright side of staying here – nothing’s broken here, the truck hasn’t had any major problems, etc. Why? Because we belong here. If we did have money, then yes, God would go after the truck to keep us broke. Oh well. As I’ve said before, why not stay down when going up only means an inevitable fall back down to where we are now or worse?

Meanwhile, since I know he’s never going to want us to hop in the truck, shut the garage door behind us, and carbon monoxide ourselves out of this sorry world, the queen will live on in luxury and we’ll continue to struggle and I’ll keep on writing stories that no one will ever publish.

As I told him, if he just looks for a job with shit pay, no benefits, no raises, no nothing, he’ll get it for damn sure. Then again, I think he should quit trying to fight fate as far as getting us more money which we’re not supposed to have and just stay put. Trying to change fate only gets us in trouble.

Mom and daughter were both out back early in the evening. Something to do with the cats, I guess, because I heard the mother say, “Don’t bring him in the house, Crystal.” She sounds rather harsh compared to her soft-spoken yet high-pitched kid. I guess they won’t be that big a deal in the summer even if they are out back a lot. Meaning that because they’re not black-loud and because there’s no music, barking or ball-bouncing (I hope not!), throwing the fan on low should cancel them out so long as there’s no knife-tossing or little kids brought over and taken out back. I wish people in Oregon were like they are in Arizona cuz then they’d all hang in front. Hopefully, we won’t need to bother putting the AC in. You need it more in Massachusetts because it’s so much more humid there, even though the temps are pretty similar. I don’t think we’ll need heat at night like we did in the RV either. Then again, we may until summer gets well underway. I remember those cold nights down in the 40s and 50s. Still, being on a mountain in an RV doesn’t compare to a normal building in town.

Later…

The assholes next door woke me up, which of course, was coincidentally after 4 hours of sleep. And also, of course, there’s nothing I can do to wake them up in return. Oh well. If it wasn’t them, it’d be something else. God has to do something to wake me up every now and then if I’m not going to have to have an alarm clock doing that 5 days a week like most people. It’s like He doesn’t want me getting off that easy.

I wonder if Oregon is like back East where you get to go month to month after your initial lease is up? I doubt it. I think they’ll want us to renew our lease, but either way, I already know we’re not moving in May, so it doesn’t matter. What matters is that they don’t drive me too crazy when it warms up. I’ve never seen a family so damn devoted! No mother and daughter are this close! They don’t miss a day together. Some days I only hear one or two doors close softly. Other times they have a handful of slamming sprees where they go back and forth and back and forth. They almost remind me of the fucking freeloaders and their car doors! Why, God, why???

Anyway, I’m not even going to bother looking at rental ads or insisting Tom take us out to look at places. I knew God would never let us out of here in just 6 months. It took us 6 years to get out of the Phoenix house. We may not be here that long, but I always knew deep down, once we left the land, that I wouldn’t be returning to the sticks anytime soon, and I also know we won’t be returning to a place that stands independently anytime soon with no one just outside the window, so why fight it? As hard as it is on me, I must simply accept that this is where we live and make the best of it. It’s better than jail.

He started a new job at work stamping cables that they “say” may pay more, but I know better. The company’s in shit shape financially. They’re barely getting by. I’m sure it’s why God led him to that job in the first place. He talked about getting a part-time job so I could buy things, and that’s really sweet of him, but like I told him, don’t get a part-time job and give up more of your life just so I can do a little shopping. Shopping is not a high priority right now as much as all women love to shop. Besides, I have a block as far as mail orders go and who knows how long that will go on?

It’s going to be in the mid-60s next week. In other words, our electric bill will go down while my wake-up calls go up.

I just hate feeling like I’m in an air balloon, not knowing where it’s going to land or when. I only know the big things in life won’t change – the financial struggles, the wake-up calls no matter where we live, etc. (though sometimes will be better than others). I know this is an unrealistic fantasy, but I sometimes wish we could go away once or twice a year for 2 nights and 3 days just to get away from it all, even when things aren’t necessarily a nightmare. Just get away from the same old, same old. I’d want to go to places like Vegas, Reno, California, etc. All I know is that as long as our wonderful God won’t allow him to make more than minimum wage, we can’t save money. He’s all sure that we can make it to Redding in November, and I’m like – come on, will you! Get off your naïvely optimistic horse and be reasonable. Maybe we could do it in January if the queen pays up, but I don’t know about that. We just have to hope that wherever we go in the meantime, we don’t get hit with a 1-year lease or else we couldn’t leave till next May. Well, we could, we’d just lose the deposit or last month (whichever applies). Then again, I’m almost positive we’re not moving in May anyway, and if they won’t let us go month to month, which I also doubt, they should at least allow us another 6-month lease and not a year. It’s the houses that normally start off at a year.

I would suggest he apply at other department stores, but I know God would forbid them from hiring him for the same reasons Walmart won’t – opportunity, discounts, etc.

I was looking at the statistics in my native town of Longmeadow, and the average annual income there is $75,000! That’s money we’ll certainly never make. There’s virtually no crime there either. They have no murders or rapes per year, just a few assaults and auto thefts. Redding has about 55 rapes a year and there was even a murder in ’01. Phoenix, however, has about 200 murders a year and LA has nearly 700.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 2, 2005 I had a damn good idea. At least an idea that I think is damn good. We’ll have to see what Tom thinks about it when he gets up. Well, I would prefer for Walmart to hire Tom, even if it means 1-3 years more in this going-nowhere town. But here’s what I think we should do if they don’t. He said he’d be eligible for unemployment in April which I assume would be for 6 months (we’ll have to check to be sure). So he quits MCX in April and begins collecting. We don’t pay April’s rent (by the time they can evict us our lease will be up). We use April’s rent and the unemployment to U-Haul us to Redding. There, we go back to playing motel/storage till we can rent a house and he can get a job (a job in which Oregon couldn’t garnish his paychecks for that last month owed cuz we’d be in California). This time we’ll be smart and rent a motel room by the month and not by the day/week. The last thing I want to do is go back to playing motel/storage, but if the end result is a city with jobs for him, stores for me, a warmer climate, and a state I’ve always wanted to live in, why not? I think this is a damn good idea if Walmart blows him off (I don’t like the fact that they told him not to call them). It would be easier if Walmart called him, hired him and then transferred us, but when do we ever get to do things the easy way? So I say we should go for it and get out of here if they blow him off. He said he doesn’t mind living in California, and I know I belong there. My experiences there may not always be nice any more than they were nice in Arizona, but I look at it this way - I said life wouldn’t be happening for me and that I wouldn’t really get ahead in New England and then I said that about Oregon a few months after we got here and I was right. I also said just the opposite about Arizona and I was right, despite the few nightmares mixed in with all the fun wild, wild west adventures I had. So, the point is, if I’m saying good things will happen in California, why would I be wrong? Being psychic is like being a singer. I can get rusty, but I can never not do it at all. I may not be as detailed as I was in Arizona, but when it comes to overall things, big things, important things, I think I can be counted on!

I just wish we could stop “drifting.” All I want in life is a secure job for him and a secure place to live. A job that doesn’t treat him unfairly and a home I can comfortably live in without the neighbors butting into our peace. All else after that would be a bonus, be it dolls, incense, etc.

I don’t have any vibes right now about Walmart, moving or getting my book published (which has been delayed due to Tom’s not feeling well), so I guess I’d have to go by logic and say “no” to all because they’re things we want. I don’t think Tom cares if we move, but I’m sure that just like me, he’d like to work at Walmart and see my book get published. I’d like for him to work at Walmart and for us to move more than I’d like to see my book published because there’d be no real gain to getting it published. However, there’s opportunity in Walmart, and our moving could be a blessing in the end. I don’t know how quiet even a house would be if we got the wrong neighbors, but I’d rather the wrong neighbors in a house than in a duplex. Maybe Bev’s fated to move in June and trouble’s due to move in then, but if we split in May, we’d be getting out of having to be attached to it.

Later…

Tom pointed out that my idea isn’t so great because if we didn’t pay the last month, we would be losing the $450 deposit.

Oh well. I tried.

Not surprisingly, Walmart hasn’t called. You know we cannot have anything we want, no matter how reasonable or off the wall, so why bother submitting the manuscript or moving? We’ll just stay right here in this duplex till and if we can ever own anything. We can forget about California too, as Tom was right when he pointed out that I’ve had worse experiences in other states. It may be too cold here, but in Oregon, I never had to go to jail or a funny farm, never had a cigarette/pill addiction, never had to deal with my family, never wanted a kid or to be a singer, never felt deprived sexually cuz I’m content/used to being Tom’s friend, never had a cold/flu, never had a killer asthma attack, and never puked. If my only troubles in Oregon are being cold, broke, and 25 pounds overweight, why not stay in Oregon? Since I’m so sick of moving, the only way to stop doing that is to stay where I don’t want to be. If I feel this strongly that we’re meant for a lifetime of heavy-duty struggling and not having what we want, I don’t see how I could be wrong. I think Tom would be a fool to give up his job. Why trade in one minimum wage job that doesn’t do raises or normal insurance for another? And for one that may not be as secure. At least this job is secure. He’s getting these shitty-paying jobs because they’re what’s meant to be, so why don’t we just struggle along in this duplex till the queen dies and hope she cared enough to leave him something?

There is another option and that’s that since he’s not likely to get higher pay in K-Falls, we could lower the rent. This would mean cramming ourselves into that $300 studio and really being where I don’t want to be, but I’m such an old pro at struggling and being where I don’t want to be that I can’t imagine life any other way. Sometimes you just gotta accept things the way they are. Especially when you can’t control or change them in any way. So we should just make the best of what’s meant to be. It will probably take some stress off of us if we just relax and resign to fate.

I knew we wouldn’t be back to rural living anytime soon because lost things often take years to get back if I can ever get them back in the first place.

I was setting up Haiku and her arm fell off, so she’ll have to be redone properly just like Chris. They really fucked up on her! PG dolls are better put together than she was. I decided it was time to let the Palas know what shitty dolls they make. With all the times in my life that I’ve been forced to suppress myself, I look forward to any chance I get to speak out. I’m just itching to tell the queen just what I think of her and her perfect little daughter, but I don’t just in case they do continue to send birthday, anniversary and Christmas money, and just in case the bitch does have the heart to leave something to Tom if she can ever hurry up and die. Better yet, I don’t want to talk. I want to throttle the mother-fucker! This is someone who could care less if her own son dropped dead. In that sense, she’s worse than Doe and Art cuz they would’ve at least helped us out as often as we needed it. While Doe and Art may have other traits that are much worse, that’s really fucking cold when you don’t even give a damn if your kids live or die. Doe and Art may not have cared if I suffered at times, but they never wanted me to die. At least not to my knowledge they didn’t.

I was surprised to find myself down a whole 3 pounds. So it was mostly water bloating me out. I learned that tea is like water pills. It really flushes the water off quite well. I’ve been having backaches, though, so I’m back to doing more crunches, even if they push my gut out rather than pull it in taut. However, I did quit the extra 20-minute workout because I didn’t seem to benefit from it in any way. Now I’m just doing a half-hour a day, 4-6 days a week. Nothing ever changes with exercise other than that a bare minimum keeps me out of the 130s as long as I don’t eat 2000 or more calories a day. It also helps keep me strong, fit, flexible and agile and it gives me stamina too, so I can’t say there are no benefits to it at all. It just doesn’t make me lose weight/inches.

TUESDAY, MARCH 1, 2005 Well, my weight’s up again, but what else is new? 4 pounds in less than a week without even trying.

Things aren’t so great now because he has what he thinks is a mild case of pneumonia. I don’t understand why my spells haven’t protected him against this. I’ve been blocking him from colds for the most part, so why not this? He said maybe my spells have been effective and that he’d be a lot worse off otherwise. Whatever the case may be, I just hope he doesn’t get so sick that he can’t work.

I have had a bit of tightness and congestion, but I don’t think it’s from any sort of illness. For one, my spells protect me. Secondly, I had a lifelong pneumonia shot. It’s probably just because of all the incense smoke and the mildew killer I sprayed, but either way, my lungs are never perfect.

I’m a little worried that Walmart is going to blow him off, but should it surprise me if they do? I mean, since when do Tom and Jodi get what they want? As I told Tom, if he can’t get a better-paying job and we can’t move in May, I think we’d be stupid to try to fight it. Fighting fate only makes things worse, so we’ll just keep on struggling along and deal with it. We’ve survived this long so we can keep on doing it if we have to and hope the queen dies a lot sooner than my vibes say.

I just hope this place stays as quiet as it has been for however long we’re here. Tom very faintly heard her vacuuming on Saturday which told us there wouldn’t be any animals the next day since you wouldn’t vacuum just to have the little animals come over and trash the place the next day. You know how destructive little kids are! I just hope that if we renew the lease here she doesn’t say, “Fuck it. If they’re not moving, I’m not keeping my grandkids from visiting anymore. They’ll just have to deal with the antics.”

Mary should get my letter in a couple of days, and the more I think about it, the more I think that no, I won’t hear from her. Especially since she preaches forgiveness to others. I don’t know why, but quite often, it’s those who preach forgiveness and things like anti-violence that tend to be pretty hypocritical. I also doubt I’ll hear from her because she’s too sensitive. She’s simply way too sensitive. The things I said in my letter (which was just expressing my opinions and not aimed at hurting her) had to hurt really bad. So bad I may as well have been there kicking the shit out of her.

I got a Bob letter today. He says he’s been sore since they took his bandages off after doing biopsies, and that’s pretty much it.

Paula won’t hear from me till I hear from her.

We’re going to have to pay the rent in chunks this month since the last electric bill killed us. Of course, that’s no problem with the office because they make $50 extra that way. Once again, I have to ask myself – is something up there using us so that these people can make extra money at our expense?