#although i've noticed it happens when they make me feel extra insane

[imstillhere-butallislost]

1 Year On Testosterone, Androgel Timeline Update

June 10th marks my 1 year on testosterone, and although this post is probably posted after that date, I thought i'd make a big 1 year update on my timeline on (low dose) androgel. Here you'll find my thoughts on using gel instead of shots, my current and future transition plans ,thoughts on still not passing one year on T, and my full timeline of changes. I imagine this will be a very long post, so buckle up. Feel free to ask or DM me any questions

My starting dose in June of 2022 was 1 pump of 1% androgel daily, which has 12.5mg of testosterone. In December of 2022 my dose was upped to 2 pumps of the same gel, so 25mg of testosterone applied daily. The gel has the same consistency as hand sinitizer and dries within 20 or so seconds when applied. The gel has risk of transferring to other people or harming pets, especially within that first hour of applying. If you go on gel, be careful about tranfering it to people who might not want extra testosterone in their system. That being said, one year on androgel, and I have had no issues with tranfering the gel to other people or harming my 2 cats and dog. I started off applying the gel to my left upper arm and shoulder, but occasionally switched to my right arm and shoulder, but recently have been applying the gel to my abdomen

Now onto the timeline part

The immediate and most impactful effect was the change testosterone had on my mood. I struggled with depression for all of my life, and suddenly that was just gone.
One year on T, and I am happy (as well as EXTREMELY surprised) to say that I don't have depression anymore. I have a lot more energy, I'm rarely sad these days, let alone depressed. This won't be the case for everone, but it was the case for me. 4 days on testosterone I was flexing as I passed mirrors, not proud of that

one. I also noticed that my general body temperature went up, I have bad circulation so my hands used to always be cold, and that has lessened. Also within the first

month, I noticed increased hair growth. Stomach hair, and also hair where I applied the gel on my arm. Just a little bit more, but noticable. My labido went up a lot, like it was insane. I was able to gain muscle mass easier. I started growing hair on my thighs, which I never had before. I also noticed a small amount of facial hair growth.

Not many more changes happened until my dose was upped in December, because I was started on a really, low dose and still am on a fairly low dose. after getting my dose upped to 2 pumps of gel, I did start actually noticing bottom growth, but looking back i'm sure I did have some amount of bottom growth before December, but it definitely got more noticable when the dose was upped. Around mid February, my voice had some drastic changes. The median of my voice used to be 190-200hz, and now it's 130-140hz. Technically in the "male range", but I still don't think my voice passes, maybe it's androgynous. The voice drop was rather sudden, although not extremely drastic. I had to sort of learn how to speak properly again without my voice cracking, not being used to the new range. Before my voice even got lower, I knew it was going to drop soon because I noticed it just couldnt go higher like it used too. My voice drop started with losing the higher range rather then going lower. I've noticed that my body fat has I think begun to redistribute, I hold a lot of fat in my stomach rather then hips. I never dealt with much acne on my face, but my back around the left shoulder where I first applied my testosterone has a lot of acne. Hair growth has continued, which honestly has been one of my favourite things. I never thought i'd have such a strong attachment to stomach hair. I still have my period, which absolutely sucks.

Thoughts On Not Passing One Year On T

I'm still not where I want to be one year on T, and that is a little bit hard on me. I'm not saying I regret it, because testosterone is the best thing that has ever happened for me, but it's a special kind of hurt seeing other people with the same timeline that i'm on that pass while I still don't. which is exactly why I think I wanted to add this part in here. I still don't pass as male, while being one year on T. I think maybe starting T made me feel more present in my body, which is good, but also led me to have to really face all of the dysphoria and issues I have with myself. I used to be able to ignore it by dissociating, without even realizing that that's what I was doing. Being misgendered has just begun to hurt more, because now it feels like a failure on my part (or my bodys part) because I can get angry, asking myself why after a year on tesosterone I still am not passing. It leaves me afraid, I think. Maybe I always testosterone was THE thing I needed and then i'd pass consistently after just a couple of months, but that just didn't happen for me. I assumed that it would just be easy. I think that has to do a lot with the culture when I came out. People didn't share timelines if they were unhappy or non passing, or if they did they were laughed off the internet. This is because I started questioning my gender around 2016, and came out in early 2018, where "SJW TRANS CRINGE COMPILATION" was like... the norm on YouTube.

People shared a lot less of their struggles in fear of being lumped into that and being harassed, or they just felt like maybe during those times the passing trans people should take the stage because it was easier for cis people to digest and understand. I don't blame anyone for not sharing the hard parts of their medical transition, because this is very personal stuff and people will question you if you say youre not 1000% happy to be where you are, but i'm glad that I see more people talking about not being satisfied with how their transition is going, and how they still don't pass X amount of time into being on testosterone. It's nice to see posts and videos and timeline updates like that. These things take different amount of times for different people, and that's alright.

It's hard, but I'm alright with it. The fact that I am where I am at all is something i never thought i'd get to at all. I'm proud to be where I am, when I think about it.

Testosterone has helped me greatly. I'm a happy person now, happiest i've ever been, and I see a future for myself now. A very happy one. Without even passing, testosterone has helped me so much. Just internally. I don't know how much of my happiness comes from just having consistent hormone levels everyday, or if my depression was just all a manifestation of background dysphoria that is being directly treated by hormone therapy now.

On Gel Vs. Shots and Dosage

I'm not really sure what made me decide to take gel rather than the shots, but I was adment on gel. I don't know how I feel about that decision in the long run.

For cons about the gel, it's expensive.

Around $200CAD every 2 months. It's really hard without insurance. I don't think my changes have been slow because of gel,

just because of my low dose. It's hard to contact my endo, and they even sent bloodwork paper to the wrong location, so generally it's been a bit hard to get my dose upped. I also started T as a minor (17) so that is specifically why I was kept on a low dose to start with. I'm assuming that now that i'm an adult, it will be easier to get my dosage upped. Being on the gel I also kind of feel, not left out, but not really a part of the classic transmasc doing their T shot experience, which I did always assume i'd do when I was 12-13 and I first came out because I didn't know gel was an option. These days, there's more talk of gel and patches, which I think is definitely good for people exploring their testosterone options.

For pros of gel, consistant hormone levels daily is very very good for me I find. There's no big spikes and low lows like there would be with weekly or biweekly shots, it's just daily consistent levels. I can feel kind of bad if I miss a day of gel, which i'm unsure if that is caused by me mentally knowing that I don't have testosterone for that day. or if that's actually just due to not having the regular hormones that I get daily. This is one of the reasons Why i'm unsure about switching to shots despite the expense of the gel. I don't think I would do good at all with such major fluctuations to my hormone levels, and it's not something I really want to play around with in fear of my mental health declining again with big hormone fluctuations like that. I also like the little daily routine of putting on gel everyday, it fits into my routine well and I feel i'm more likely to remember a daily routine rather then weekly or biweekly

I think often about maybe switching to shots, but I just don't know if the increased risk to my mental health with big hormone fluctiations is at all worth it.

I'm hoping to ask my endo about 1.62% gel and if its available in my area, because it has a higher concentration of testosterone and one pump would nearly be my current dose of 2 pumps of 1% gel, so id need to refill it the same amount of time for a bigger dose, instead of doing 3 pumps of the 1% gel, which I would need to refill more frequently which would cost more money more often.

Uncertainty of Medical Transition

This may be a shock considering i've been talking about how much medical transition has helped me, but I want sure if I even wanted to go on testosterone at all at one point. I've been out for from ages 12-18, and flip flopped on what I wanted many times. I knew I wanted to be on testosterone when I first came out, but that waned with time. I think after being out for so long without medical internevntion, the idea seemed so far away, I sort of let myself believe that it would never be able to happen. I let myself believe that maybe I didn't want to medically transition, becuase it was easier then addressing the fact that it would take a lot of time and it would be a hard process that I didnt know how to start it. It was a hard, confusing process to get hRT as a minor. There want just a quick guide for my area that I could find, if there was one at all it was in the depths of a website that hadnt been updated in a decade and was hard to traverse. I was at the appointment to get my perscription, uncertain about it. I took the step anyway, holding on to that sliver of hope that maybe I could actually have that life I dreamed of as a child

It turns out that going on testosterone was the best decision i've ever made. I'm glad, and i'm very lucky, that I stepped into the unknown.

The Future of My Transition

I'm largely happy, hoping that my testosterone dose gets upped again soon. I'm hoping to actually start passing with an upped dose, too.

I'm in the process for top surgery, which is another thing I thought could NEVER happen to me. So far out of reach, for more fortunate people, but this month i'm going to be sending all my forms in to see if my top surgery can get covered. I could have top surgery within the year. I have never been more happy in my entire life.

I think that's really all, My life is going good. I'm generally happy with my medical transition, despite not being exactly at the point where I want to be, but every single day gets a little bit easier for me. Feel free to look back on some of my other update posts, which i'm sure go more in depth, and of course ask me any questions. I'm happy to share, I know timelines on gel are a little bit harder to find.

If anybody is reading this who is considering testosterone, debating gel, or early on testosterone and trying to map out what their future will look like, I want to say hi hi hi hello. You'll be alright. You'll figure it out. You can not medically transition ever. or do it later in your life, or go on testosterone and then go off if you decide it isn't right for you. I genuinely believe that everything will all work out. Take your time, enjoy your life, there is community out there for you.

[ladysophiebeckett]

I love all your YSBLF opinions. It's hard to find nuanced takes in other platforms tbh

I read that you have also seen the mexican remake, and boy do I have many feelings about Aldo (and not the good kind) which in part made me appreciate that Michel's role was never expanded. He served his purpose perfectly well which was to give Armando a worthy rival for Betty's affections (even if she never felt that way about Michel). Aldo, however, was given too much importance even over Lety's character growth and development. For instance, her great triumph as the president of Conceptos was completely overshadowed by Aldo's involvement (in fact, the whole Turismo Gastronómico project was all about him) and to make matters worse, they make her, and Tomás, look like incompetents who couldn't notice that they had exceeded their budget beforehand thus officially failing in their roles to keep the company afloat (Betty and Nicolás would never tbh). And they did all of this to make the story even longer even if it was at the expense of the main character. In fact, while she was in a relationship with Aldo, she barely did anything for Conceptos and only remained the president because of Aldo's conditions (he says he acquired Conceptos' debt to set Lety free from her ties to Fernando and his family, but something about this whole thing seemed manipulative to me even if it was a great act).

The extension of the plot only benefited Fernando who did redeem himself and worked hard to get the Conceptos out of debt. Admittedly, Armando also needed a few more episodes of a redemption arc to be more sympathetic with the general public. Although, I do think that we could see his change for the better by the end of the series.

Anyways, sorry for the long essay but it's soo good to finally find someone who has seen multiple versions and has such great opinions such as yourself.

I completely agree with your statement that without all these extra episodes, it could have been an excellent remake.

I've only seen opinions via tiktok comment sections and theyre all horrible. Ive heard instagram and fb are worse. It's like they watched a completely different novela. Like, if you want to talk about who shouldn't have gotten the girl, i can pull out 10 different novelas from the 90's that fit that category.

RE LFMB: i was there. in the trenches. circa 2006. in the forums. helping my sister make lety\fernando fanvids. she using pando to download eps from mexico bc univsion was MONTHS behind what was airing in mexico. i was reading forum fanfiction, which is the worst way to read fanfiction. (Conchi from cuba, i think about ur lety\fernando letters once in a blue moon and im sad i never saved them). i was there when they started adding the filler eps fm the world cup in germany and then when they went Cuernavaca (and still didnt have sex). I was there to see them hire juan soler. I was there when they decided to not give her a makeover and just change her clothes but not really. i was there when they had tiziano ferro on as damage control bc he said some comments about women with mustaches. I was there when i realized that Aldo was never gonna go away. I was there when they did that jessica rabbit thing. I was there when they turned lety and fernando's wedding into a parade\concert special for all of mexico city. I was there for the rise and fall of it all.

I. was. there.

Aldo and his never going away was the worst thing to happen to LFMB bc it ruined Lety for the reasons u mentioned above. They dragged the story out and as a consequence of that they didnt know what to do. Lety and Tomas are economists--logically they never would have gone over the budget.

When Aldo said he would get conceptos out of debt for Lety....the forum went crazy bc now Lety would feel in debt to HIM. It doesn't free her. It was INSANELY manipulative. It was also insane to put him in a relationship with Lety, on top of that. It's similar to how in YSBLF, Armando feels in debt to Marcela and that's part of why he feels forced into giving the relationship another go.

Yeah, making it longer only served Fernando bc everyone felt bad for him bc he was openly pining for Lety and Lety looked like the bad guy bc she was with Aldo, on top of making really dumb jessica rabbit like decisions.

Ocampo and Televisa, for ratings and money hungry reasons, ruined Lety and took away a lot of her agency by making her so indecisive.

LFMB is not that bad, it's fairly good until a point. Lety and Fernando manage to come off as original despite being a mexican version of Betty and Armando. They're cute together. There's tenderness brought about bc they're both kind of immature. (Betty and Armando are the Original Sexy Couple, like that needs to be said and stated. Lety and Fernando aren't Sexy bc they come off as sad nerds who both have been deprived of love )

As I was saying, it's not the worst version. and it could have been so much better had they just followed the original storyline. You can tell they decided to deviate once Lety was in Acapulco, right when they start delaying her healing process and makeover.

I have mixed feelings about Michel (but that's another post) but I'll never dislike or feel the hate i feel for Aldo\Juan Soler, who we called 'Fishface' in our house and now whenever there's a love triangle with ugly guy, we call them 'Fishface'. A meme here for all the wrong reasons.

[theirloveisgross]

harry: ... louis: ...what? harry: what did you do? louis: what'you mean? harry: louis, your merch... uh... for latam... why..? louis: y'know how i love adding more random shapes to these so they go fookin' mental trying to figure it out. harry: right, yeah... i know that... but um... the colours? louis: well i thought i'd use these colours because a lot of countries in south america have them on their flags, yknowotimean. harry: i think... i think you're only touring in one of those though. louis: but it's fookin' representation, harold. it's important. harry: right... did you, uh... did ya look at my new merch by any chance? louis: yeah yeah, ofcourse, the houses, the flowers, your mustache, you cute, baby. harry: *grins* thank you! ... no, but um... did you notice the colours on the, uh, merch? louis: yes yes, a lot of yellow... and blue, of course. and- oh. harry: oh. louis: oh, shit. harry: yeah... louis: ... nonono, wait a fookin' second! harry: what? louis: this wasn't me. you saw all me merch plans for every leg before tour! harry: uh-huh. so? louis: so...? ... harry. you fookin' used the same colours! harry: i- what? no. i think it was... i think they said, uh, they wanted to go back to basics and, uh, use primary colors for simplicity. louis: but you knew about my latam merch. going out the same month of your little album! harry: well... i- um, i think i forgot...? fookin' hell! louis: *sighs* whatever, let them freak out. what's another fookin' coincidence? haha. harry: *sighs* true. um... but lou, you did not have to use a polo with the same colours the day after the album came out. louis: oooh, i didn't? is that right? harry: ...no. i mean, yes... *fonds* thank you. lou, they're gonna hate us. again. louis: they love us more. harry: mmmhm... i should say they do love you a little too much. *mumbles* pullingonyourshirtandgrabbingyourneckandtouchingyourfaceandhair louis: alright, alright, shhh. let them adore me, haz. harry: *pouts*

i'm just gonna... oh, look, this is a nice window. *flings herself out of it*

[flockofdoves]

i recognize that cats are like. infamous for begging for food and meowing like theyve never been fed in their lives

and also i recognize when i first moved in my roommate was like 'don't worry if the cat meows at you her old owner overfed her so she's always begging for food but i have her on a special diet with specific proportions on a regular schedule so you don't have to feed her when she begs at you'

but also with my roommate leaving for a week without telling us and just setting out extra food but then not responding at all to my texts (or acknowledging this at all after she got back) i sent 4 days into that week when the cat almost was out of food asking if she was coming back that day or should i start feeding her cat and if so what portions she feeds her cat and at what times. plus also that while idk how much cats poop per bowel movement, it does seem to me like the litter box looks almost as full as it was when i scooped it after 4 days of my roommate being gone and she pooped on the floor (i feel really bad about that i should have looked up how often litterboxes should be scooped as soon as i noticed my roommate set out extra food for her, even if ofc she should've given a heads up or timeline or any info when me and my gf have been clear we've never lived w cats before)

like. it makes me not sure what to trust :(

like i almost never see her feed her and i recognize we have kinda different schedules (although a lot of times shes home but just in her room and i cant hear her so dont even realize shes home) and that the cat eats fast the times i have seen her eat so its hard to figure out the situation

and it sucks bc theres like no safe side to lean on bc either way could be harmful for the cat if i'm mistaken

the only real way to know would be something deranged and unethical like a camera monitoring the litterbox and food bowl lmao. so like idk the only normal solutions i can think of are just like. trying to spend as much time as possible downstairs on days when me and my gf aren't doing anything to see what happens? taking pictures of the empty bowl to see if the crumb positions look different later and taking pictures of the litterbox to see if it looks worse later? but even then its not very conclusive

and of course i'd love to propose like. idk. putting up a little white board seeing if shes got fed yet but. shes not my cat and im not the one directly responsible for feeding her and proposing that potentially either could sound like i dont trust my roommate or some ridiculous thing to assuage my anxiety that makes her do extra work or if she really is hiding neglect that wouldn't necessarily do much depending on what her routine is compared to mine and also maybe proposing that would make boundaries unclear and make her think she could rely on me for stuff like that without having to communicate it first

idk part of me worries also considering that shes started just like. taking me and my gfs dishes (which are in an entirely separate cabinet) and using them when never asking if thats cool with us as roommates. and like theoretically i love to share things ofc as long as people are considerate but some of those dishes and pots have been sitting out dirty for over a week now so unless i see her around (feel insane like just jumping to texting about that) im sure at this rate me and my gf will have to clean these encrusted dirty dishes and pots and stuff whenever we need them again, that maybe despite her saying before that i wouldnt need to worry about feeding the cat, that somehow without communicating either that as an expectation when i've checked in with her about her preferences in cohabitating or communicating details to us as ppl w no experience taking care of cats that she expects taking care of her cat to be an equal task for all of us. and like of course the most important thing to me is that this cat is healthy and okay and i wouldn't mind helping out even if i'd slightly prefer not having the responsibility of a pet foisted on me at this point in my life and from past communication expected just like. vibing while she took care of it as her pet. but god that just needs to be communicated by her. itd be scary to me if there is neglect happening and if it was happening that it was happening bc she just expected me and my gf to know exactly when and what to do with every day cat care.

so yeah. ig just gonna try my best to monitor stuff over the next couple days to understand the situation better and just communicate from there :(

any advice appreciated tho tbh god idk

[dutchdread]

No offense bro, but why are you always so protective of Cloud? No disrespect to you or anything but I've heard quite a bit of different opinions and theories on Cloud myself and I do agree with the people who say that he takes Tifa for granted. Going through trauma in the past is not really an excuse for his behavior. He also does act like he's the only one who has suffered in his life. Do you have other reason to defend him other than the fact that you "relate" to him? Just wondering.

Sorry for the late reply, my life has basically left no room for hobbies these past months. Your question is hard to reply to because I am not sure what you mean when you say I am protective of him. I guess you mean I defend his actions? Specifically in ACC? Firstly let me state that there is a difference between being a good character and being a nice character, there is also a difference between agreeing with someones actions, or just understanding them. Personally, I never really liked Cloud, especially not when I was younger. A lot of my defense of Cloud doesn't come from me personally liking him, but from me thinking he's a good character. I also think Snape is a good character, but I don't like his actions, and I don't defend them, although I still understand them to a certain degree. I should also say that as I started to understand Clouds character more, I also started liking HIM a bit more, although I still don't like the things he did, and would very likely not be friends with him. But I do understand why he did what he did and cannot be too critical of him because of that. You've probably heard that before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That's great advice, if you want to judge someone, you should imagine what it would be like to be them, however, I've noticed that too often when people try to walk a mile in someone elses shoes, they refuse to take their own shoes off first. They don't think "what would it be like to be him", they think "what would I do in that position". But Cloud is not you, and you cannot judge him by how you would act, you've not gone through the same things he has, your thought patterns aren't the same etc. This matters because too often I see people judging Clouds actions in ACC, and establishing his motivations by saying things that boil down to "If I were in his position, I would only do those actions if I loved Aerith/didn't love Tifa/whatever". But they're not Cloud, and they're not understanding how Cloud thinks, and that it's different from how THEY think. But like you said, I do see some recognizable elements of myself in Cloud, which is why I do understand his actions, and why I feel relatively certain in defending them, because I see them coming from a good place. It's common for me to react to things in a way that others find counter-intuitive. Let me give you an example, my brother once was mad at me because I had not told him my girlfriend of several years and I had broken up while I did tell a random stranger at the pub. He said that he felt like he wasn't important to me if I told a random stranger but not him. The truth was the exact opposite, I love my brother, and could not bear to face him for some reason, as I told him: "if not caring enough was the problem, then I wouldn't have told a random stranger". I see people exhibit that same lack of understanding when discussing Clouds actions, where they feel like his actions must be the sign of him just being a bad person, or not caring. But ask yourself what is more likely, that Square-enix wants their hero to be a bad person, or that you simply are misunderstanding the character? I understand why people don't get Cloud, Cloud suffers from obvious mental health issues, and mental health issues simply are not something that the general public understands, even today. Not only that, but Cloud went through the most insane series of traumatic events anyone could ever imagine. He had an alien parasite in him, saw his entire town murdered before his eyes, then saw Zack murdered in front of his eyes, then saw Aerith murdered in front of his eyes, and just when he started living a peaceful life he is forced to watch his child succumb to sickness in front of his eyes, and then he finds he himself is dying. All this on the psyche of a man who had had a fear of failure ever since he was a child, spent most of his life essentially in war, and had a severe identity crisis as well. Do you think you can honestly judge him by going "that's not what I would have done"? Would that not be incredibly

presumptuous? Have you suffered from depression as a result of severe post-war PTSD and a lifelong feeling of inadequacy combined with a fear of failure and the belief that many of your loved ones died because you failed and were inadequate? Because that's the context in which you have to view Cloud when watching Advent Children. Saying "Going through trauma in the past is not really an excuse for his behavior" is just incredibly short-sighted, your behavior is determined by who you are, and who you are is determined by what you go through in the past. You can't expect a broken child to become a well-adjusted adult when being a well-adjusted adult is the result of having a normal childhood.

I also don't want to cause offense, but this really is a mindset you should change, because this mindset is one of the most pervasive and damaging ones in our society, it's the one that probably bothers me most when I hear it because it makes zero sense. It's like breaking a robots self-repair unit, and then being angry at it on the grounds that the self-repair unit should have fixed it. It's also very insensitive in general, it's the equivalent of saying "why are you depressed, just stop being depressed", people don't choose to be depressed, people don't choose to have a fear of failure. People don't choose their emotions, they're just there. They can be influenced by behavior over time, sure, but behavior is equally influenced by who you are and your emotions, which, as mentioned before, is determined for a large part by your past. People don't just "snap out of it". They fight and fight and fight, and sometimes they win and break out of the spiral, and sometimes they lose and it breaks them.

FFVII, and especially Advent children, is all about that struggle, and during those struggles you will have high-points, and low-points. FFVII shows all of those. It shows Cloud trying, it shows Cloud wanting, it shows Cloud failing, but it also, ultimately, shows Cloud prevailing. Judging Cloud for not breaking out of the spiral by the time of Advent children, when he was mentally only barely 18 years old, and when he started at the worst place anyone could ever imagine, is just not reasonable. It's the modern day equivalent of "let them eat cake", something that can only be said from the place of privilege of not knowing what the struggles of the people you're critiquing are actually like. So having that out of the way, lets look at Clouds actions from the perspective of Cloud. Cloud is a young boy, and he's in love with the girl next door, he wants to get her to notice him. One day said girl walks up a mountain and he follows, she falls off a bridge and ends in a coma. Cloud followed her because he's in love with her, and he gets the blame from the adults. Cloud internalizes this, and its important to imagine what this must be like for a child, to have the adults all tell him it's his fault that the person he loves ended up hurt. "your fault", "your fault". Afterwards Cloud starts thinking Tifa hates him and starts acting out. I think this is a good moment to point out btw that this child has no father figure. This is the start of his feelings of failure and inadequacy, he blames himself for not being able to protect Tifa, failure number 1, he thinks that if he were strong, he'd be able to protect her, he thinks that if he were like Sephiroth, then even Tifa would have to notice him. Now until this time Cloud is not an asshole, he's a bit of a rebellious kid yes, but notice that he's not a bad kid as much as he's a kid who wants to protect someone, has no direction, and is acting out. So Cloud thinks he's not good enough, but he leaves town confident that he'll become good enough, and even makes a promise to Tifa. All this follows logically from what we know about Cloud, and tells us a lot about how deeply seated these feelings are. Becoming Soldier wasn't a small thing, not some small passion project that he just came up with one day, it's the result of the things that happened in his childhood and he left everything behind make it so. He told the girl he loved, he promised, he boasted. And then he failed. Failure number 2. He comes back to Nibleheim and can't bear to look Tifa in the eye and admit that he couldn't do it, that he's a failure. His entire life so far has revolved around this and he wasn't good enough. So here we have Cloud, not in a great mindset, thinking he's a failure, and what happens? His entire town is murdered by the person he admired, someone he worked with. His Mother is killed, and Tifa, the girl he PROMISED to protect, gets slashed open so badly that apparently she needed to have her ribcage reinforced with metal. I think we can all agree that this by itself would be enough to potentially scar a person for life. (Cloud, not Tifa XD) So what's next for the boy who left town in order to become a hero? Well, he gets captured and experimented on for 4 years, during which his mind and sense of identity is bombarded with memories and knowledge of the lifestream in the form of mako, muddying up his thoughts. Cloud already had a weak sense of self as a result of his childhood, it's why he failed to enter Soldier and now this distaste for who he is makes him extra susceptible to Jenovas influence. The next thing Cloud sees, (he didn't consciously experience the 4 years of mind-fuckery) is his best friend getting killed trying to protect him, because Cloud wasn't strong enough. Failure #3. At this point, in Clouds mind the list of people dead because he could not protect them, because he's a failure, include his mother, his entire town, his best friend, and as far as he knows, the girl he loves. This is his life. His mind is broken, he hates himself, he doesn't want to be himself,

he has a mind-altering parasite inside of him trying to adjust his identity and Clouds just goes "I reject this reality and constitute my own". And why wouldn't he? Why wouldn't he want to live in a fantasy world where he wasn't a failure, where he made it into soldier, where he was cool and successful and not a disappointing failure? Zack tells him to be his living legacy and Cloud goes with it, then he runs into Tifa, Jenova adjusts Cloud further based on Tifas memories of them and rejoined with the girl for whom he joined Soldier Cloud is unconsciously all too willing to play the part. FFVII starts and it doesn't take long for the cracks in his fake persona to show, he meets Aerith, and becomes her bodyguard. He gets to be the hero he always wanted to be. But then, even as "Cloud strife, soldier first class", Cloud is still a failure, the plate still drops, killing thousands, he gives Sephiroth the black materia, he beats up Aerith, and ultimately, fails to save her as well. Tifa was the First Failure, and Aerith was the Final Failure. Even as a soldier, Cloud still couldn't save anyone, he loses even more faith in himself, he doesn't know who he is, he doesn't trust himself, and then when he also loses Tifas trust in who he is, he just breaks and gives over to Jenova/Sephiroth. Even Hojo calls him a failure. Cloud feels like a nobody. Now mentally weakened, under the influence of jenova cells, he gives Sephiroth the black materia AGAIN, and meteor is summoned. Another entry on the long list of moments Cloud can look back on in shame later on in life. He falls into the lifestream and again his psyche is under attack. We know what happens afterwards, Tifa finds him, cares for him, and saves him through his feelings for her. Cloud realizes who he is, realizes he's weak, and goes after Sephiroth without lying to himself. In the end he defeats Sephiroth mentally and is supposedly rid of his direct influence.

But that doesn't mean that this mentally 17 year old is now fine, we should remember these events when analyzing ACC. Cloud has been in constant fighting/war/peril ever since he left home as a child, and is now a traumatized 17 year old in a 21 year olds body. Novels and other materials give us an insight into how Cloud thinks during these times, and how he thinks about himself. We hear him say that he's going to live because that's the only way he can atone for his sins. He talks about wanting to change, and about believing he can change because he now has Tifa. He's a man (boy) who just exited war, and wants to be positive, but is still clearly blaming himself. We see that this initially goes well, we are told that Cloud experiences peace and happiness that he's never experienced before. We're also told about the things that make it go badly, when he has to deliver flowers to the ancient city for instance. While Cloud regained the sense of who he was the belief that he wasn't good enough, that he was a failure, was never solved, if anything it was put on hold until he got his memories back, and now he is forced to deal with it.

While he is no longer directly manipulated by Sephiroth he's still suffering from PTSD and, most notably, survivors guilt. He blames himself for the deaths of Zack and Aerith in particular, and starts visiting the church. Now most people might think it's natural to avoid places that make you feel bad about yourself, but that's not how a depressed person thinks, Cloud thinks he deserves to feel badly he WANTS to punish himself, he WANTS to feel bad. He's ashamed of the moments where he's carefree and laughing with Tifa. Why should he get to be happy when Aerith and Zack are dead because of him? He shouldn't be happy, he should be in pain, he should remember them, not doing so would be an insult to their memories, he must never forget how he failed them! That's how Cloud is thinking. We know of course that this is non-sense, Aerith and Zack wouldn't want this, if anything it's this mindset that is tarnishing the memories of Aerith and Zack, but that's not how a mentally unwell person thinks. Cloud wants to atone, and thinks he finds salvation in Denzel, whom he finds at Aeriths church. He thinks that by saving this life, he can, in some way, make up for all the death he caused. Tifa has a similar belief when she finds out Denzels parents died in the plate crash. And when Denzel joins the family, and Cloud has path towards redemption in his mind, things start getting better again. Because this is the cause of the problems Cloud is having in ACC. When Nojima says:

first off, there’s the premise that things won’t go well between Tifa and Cloud, and that even without Geostigma or Sephiroth this might be the same

This is the conflict he's talking about, he's not saying "Tifa and Cloud are incompatible, it has nothing to do with Sephiroth", he's saying "if Sephiroth didn't show up during Advent children, Cloud and Tifa would still be having problems because Cloud is going through survivors guilt."

But the good times don't last, Denzel has Geostigma and Cloud cannot find a cure, Denzel....is going to die. Cloud, has failed again. Not only that, but Cloud catches Geostigma....Cloud is going to die. And THIS is why Cloud leaves in Advent children. And you have to look at this as Cloud. Cloud said he was going to live to atone for his sins, but instead he's going to die. He won't atone for his sins, even worse, he's going to leave Tifa and Marlene behind. He failed again. He couldn't protect Denzel, he potentially brought an infectious disease into their house as well. Literally all Cloud can think about is that literally everything he's ever tried has ended in failure, everyone he's ever tried to protect, he's failed at. Do you understand how easy it would be for a person like this to fall into the trap of thinking "I deserve to die", "I don't want Tifa and Marlene to see me die", "Tifa and Marlene are better off without me anyway", "they'd be happier if I weren't here". Etc. Now we know this is nonsense, but come on, how many instances have you heard of depressed people genuinely believing that their loved ones would be happier and better off if they just didn't exist? However, throughout the movie, Zack, Tifa, and Aerith, all confront Cloud, and urge him to not give up. Cloud eventually does try again, and ultimately finds redemption not by being stuck in the past, but by letting the past rest and be beautiful (a lesson Cleriths unfortunately never learned). "I never blamed you you know, not once" "I want to be forgiven. By who?" "Isn't it about time you did the forgiving?" In the end, Cloud moves on, and therefore, so do Zack and Aerith. Aerith and Zack walk into the light, Cloud plants flowers on Zacks grave, and lets Zacks buster sword rest in Aeriths church, now no longer rusting, but shining. Instead of the past being a negative reminder, Cloud lets the past be beautiful. Cloud was doing Aerith and Zack a disservice by remembering them the way he did, because it was ruining his life, it wasn't a good thing, but it did come from a good place, from a good man whose ashamed of not being good enough. Yes, it harmed Tifa, people going through these things often do hurt those around them, but it's not because they're bad people, or even weak, but because people are imperfect and Cloud has gone through hell, both internally, and externally. Are his actions really that weird or deplorable? "He didn't even go save the kids!" Yes, he's hesitant about saving the kids, why shouldn't he be? Everyone Cloud tried to protect or save, ended up maimed or worse, or as Cloud puts it: "I can't even save myself". "He left Tifa alone!" Yes, he thinks he's going to waste away and die, can you blame him for not wanting to put Tifa through that and for thinking she'd be better off without him? "He drinks!" Wouldn't you?! Who wouldn't want to forget that stuff? But in the end, He's only gone for about a week, he never intended to harm Tifa, he never physically harmed Tifa or cheated on her, his entire life revolved around wanting to be better for Tifa and blaming himself when he wasn't good enough, how is it reasonable to say this man takes Tifa for granted when the fact that he thinks he has to BE BETTER in order to be worthy of being with her has been a constant throughout his entire life and story? He DOESN'T take Tifa for granted, that's why he's beating himself up, that's why he leaves, not because he thinks he's better than her, or that he'll always have her, or that she'll follow him like a dog, or something like that. But because of the opposite, because he thinks HE is not good enough, that SHE would be better of without him. Saying Cloud takes Tifa for granted, is honestly, simply, wrong. It's 180 degrees the opposite of what is happening in FFVII, the biggest constant in Clouds life, is that he doesn't take Tifa for granted, and I don't understand how anyone could argue otherwise.

[redxblueihateloveyou]

honestly you're one of the rare ones who didn't lie about reading the dmbj og books bc after seeing some ppls tweets there are way too much of 'its bc i've read the book i hate it' and then they proceed to describe the thing they hated that was in the book and i just start laughing. anyways same about the 'restart'. like hell i'd exchange what zu yilong and huang junjie did for what was happening in there and it all ending with wu xie rapidly aging and going bald no thank you

I just think that this is the kind of a rare fandom, where whether you are a fan of the books or not, it doesn't matter unless you're making sense and consistent with what you're saying, bc the novels are a hot mess tbh. Like even if you're a huge fan of the books for some reason, there had to be places where u were like "well that was... strange" lol

So like it weirds me out when ppl keep agressively yelling ooc and he'd never do that, if that's what he did in the novel. you mean like "ooc compared to what this character is in your head?" but thats not ooc lmao

For me it's just the overall feeling I guess, like if I'm watching and it feels right or it feels.. well, not. Chemistry plays a huge role too.

Like the only Qilings I love are Yuliang & Junjie, but whoever came up with the "Yuliang is the closest to the book Qiling version" is hella wrong and lying, you can check it yourself. But I can't consider the fact that they're so much softer and more gone on Wu Xie as a flaw, although some aparently do xD

Same as I personally can't accept the Wu Xie's "don't worry about him" line in the new one, but know for sure that there was tons of moments in the books like and I quote here Wu Xie literally going "knowing how skilled Xiao Ge was I wasn't worried about him at all, so I just watched him as he ran, distracting the creature". Like I'd rather have SOP version of Wu Xie being hella scared even when XiaoGe just jumps down stuff and running to check on him first out of everyone else after bomb explodes. But thats not whats happening in the novels, so it's technically ooc haha

Those who read also know that like "I'll notice if you disappear" 'I'm a man with no past and no future' scene in UN that was done so touchingly and romantically.. well, to say that it didn't carry as much emotion in the book is to say nothing lol. It just wasn't the vibe UN went with.

And why would I even want the Reboot book reunion going "why are u here?" of nothingness, if I can have what these idiots did with their heart eyes and "you're here, I'm okay now" and everything?

I mean, if you want the book version, fine by me, but like blaming people who wanted by novel #...12orsmth for them to pass some stages and get the warmth we got in UN and SOP is insane.

I mean, just the fact that in the Restart book Wu Xie had an internal thought that next time they see each other they might not even know how to behave with each other and that for him he's just a random person he passes by in his long life just almost made me close the damn thing lolz

yeah, about him basically dying at the end.. also no thanks. stupid me prefers them living together and Qiling hating Wu Xie being hungry birdy and going to buy him food xD

"going bald" lmaaaaaao it said it'll grow back its ok

I honestly considered myself an extra Xiao Ge fan, until I saw some ppl's reviews and opinions and thought "omg lmao some just go straight overboard with everything", esp considering canon.

I was straight up laughing at that one comment "all he does in this part is looking lovingly at Wu Xie and protects him". I was like damn, so many of my faves are cancelled like that... I mean, you're watching HOB anime and like "my god it's such a bad representation of the Hua Cheng character, all he does is stares at Xie Lian and protects him" lol (I'm sorry but this 11 episodes are NOT the part of the book that tells his story and who he is, but this in fact doesn't mean that they "reduced him to a tool" lmao). Meanwhile some DMBJ books Wu Xie goes "I knew he was hired by the 2nd uncle just to keep us safe". LMAO SO WHAT? this is not making him a tool, that's just what he does, it doesn't make his FULL CHARACTER, just bc he does that.

Like seriously, it sounds as insane as someone splitting MDZS in 3 parts, watching the last one, then the first one and saying like "you know in the last part all that LZ does is stares lovingly at WWX and protects him, he was much more complex and flawed in part 1". Like wth lol... ITS THE SAME FUCKING CHARACTER.

Also I saw one UN review that was positive, but just went that Xiao Ge in that part felt more like humane or smth, bc "at some point he even grew a scruff". I was just sitting there like... out of all the things in this series that made him humane, why mention the scruff? Like since when it's a thing...? I mean just bc Shen Wei or Lan Zhan look perfect all the time that somehow means they don't have feelings or less human beings? I do not get.

So all these tantrums of "ISTG IF THEY EVER SHOW QILING JUST PROTECTING THEM... I'M GONNA BLEW UP" and the same one saying that they're the book fans, I'm like "how didn't u blow up during several books already?" lolz

I like love reading so many different opinions, when it comes to this fandom, bc it's so fascinating, but some arguments just don't go together well haha

And I'm a huge fan of UN, but like.. some go a bit TOO extra about it and their arguments just don't stick sometimes, bc they're trying again with the "it's the less-est ooc from books", but it wasn't as much it, as the fact that it just had soul in it, which sometimes in my opinion actually completely lacked in the og novels.

Anyways, as an extra Qiling's fan myself, I can tell that some are going waaay overboard with stuff.

[skittles1229]

Old Expectations Die Hard (Dashie x Reader Fanfic)

Chapter One: Weird Circumstances

You know your life is complicated when the friend you always complain to says "you never have a dull moment do you?" I sigh as the weight of the world seems to make it impossible to breath. You see recently things have been rough. I lost my job and my fiance all in the same day, that itself was an unbelievable story. I was so upset and strung out on thoughts of what to do that once i got home early from work i didn't notice the extra car in the driveway. i stepped into my home and my own floors felt as if they'd given way when i saw the guy i thought i'd be spending my life with in bed, with my sister... my sister and i hadn't been on good terms for a while and for a good reason! The drugs she took either made her unreliable and selfish or crazy and murderous. He, of course, pulled the its not what you think, id never hurt you, it was a mistake, and honestly i could write a book out of the excuses i heard in the time of two minutes but maybe another time. Needless to say i left. I never thought about going back and to be honest my sister looked more hurt then i was. I took a job in California a few weeks ago and moved in with my friend (BFF Name). They always seemed to know what to say and honestly i truly believe They  knew me better then i know myself. 

California gave me the biggest culture shock I've ever had. I came from Mississippi, the bible belt and the most rural part of the world. California was sooooo different then what i was use to. The weather is awesome. There's lots of jobs for technical people, at least until you're 45 and then you're considered ancient and you can't possibly know anything when some 23-year old out of Stanford tells you that they know it all. (a little bit of sarcasm there) It's a great place to start a new company, money is available as is talent. The risk of starting a company is lower since you can always find a new job The politics are insane, if you aren't towing the progressive party line you should just STFU. If you even once say that Trump has done something positive, or that Obama did something negative prepare for the wrath. Read the stuff behind the recently filed lawsuit against google for a taste of what it's like. Seriously, don't say a word. The state if structurally bankrupt, although the finances look good because so much stuff is off of the balance sheet. The public pension liability dwarfs the "good" part of the budget, and some day it is coming home to roost. Watch out when it does. The cost of living is absurd, really absurd. I'm not talking just a place to live but gas, electricity, haircuts, milk, pizza, you name it. The traffic is absurd too. (can you tell i like the word absurd) The public transit, although usually on time, is a mess. People are pigs, they throw trash everywhere, the cars are overcrowded almost all the time. 

I've got to say, from how much it sounds like i hate California, i actually don't.  Mainly because its so far away from my original family, leaving really helped me start to grow up and feel like maybe i was getting a hold of my life again. Only problem has been getting to my new job on time. I work as a barista and a waitress at a brunch place a good minute away from the apartment. The money is good, otherwise i wouldn't waste my time with the commute everyday. i keep being late to work because i still haven't adjusted to how terrible traffic is and so my boss was "nice" enough to switch me to the later shifts. The hours are long and boring because my shift starts in the middle of rush hour to the slowest hours at the end of the day meaning you have to find things to keep yourself busy with. the only good thing is, we can wear pretty much anything we want as long as its black. all i wear is dark colors so i didn't have to spend any extra money on a uniform and i didn't have to wear the same thing everyday. Today i decided i wear a v-neck shirt that with an emperor waist (body forming) with black skinny jeans and my regular converse. i decided against driving to work and decided it would be far smarter to catch a bus to the nearest destination. My (hair color) hair was done is a fishtail messy braid, i always liked this style because it made me look like i had a head full of hair when in reality i thought i was going bald. 

My personality was a little odd, you see some days i felt like the beautiful nerd who has no confidence and wants to hide away in a hole. other days i feel like a model from Victoria secrets, of course those are the days i get the most tips. today was honestly a mutual day, where id rather be at home in my bed asleep, or listening to music. The bus finally stopped a block away from my job and i sighed obviously not wanting to go into work. surprisingly there wasn't nearly  as many cars as there usually is around this time but i wasn't complaining. i walk in to see that most of the downstairs was empty but whoever was upstairs definitely had a loud mouth. i walk to the back in order to clock in and i bump into melany ( the girl im shifting with). "wow you actually got here on time! Maybe the boss's mood will cheer up." i huffed a little. "yea, i dont know why i thought id need a car in California, say whats with the low level of customers? its NEVER this slow." she looked at me in disdain, "some guys reserved the entire upstairs and we had to make this huge table out of all our tables up there, glad im not gonna be the one fixing it later." i rolled my eyes, i hated when a huge family came in and they just had to move everything around because little johnny wants the sit next to suzzie and suzzie HAS to sit by her parents bc she likes to throw her food on the floor, all fake names but a real situation ive been in before. "well have they at least been fed so that i only have to clean up after them?" she shook her head while hanging up her apron. "nope, they've only ordered their drinks and they are getting those onto trays now." so today was gonna be like every other day. "guess i better go help them take those upstairs then, have a good rest of your day." i walk away and slip on my apron, grabbed one of the trays of drinks while another waiter grabbed the rest of the drinks. Once i got upstairs, that's when i met him...

Chapter Two: Last Will and Testament

          He was sitting on the far end of the long table of people laughing and joking. everyone seemed to be loud and all had their own inside jokes. This guy, he stuck out. i changed my attention to the task at hand, finishing this shift. i hated when people moved all the tables and seating around. all the waiters and waitresses have to go back behind them and look at the layout of the floor to put them all back exactly as they were before. it was a struggle and because of this nobody actually wanted that job so usually the manager gives it to her least favorite workers and i happened to be one. "who all had coke?" nobody answered me so one of the men bellowed out the same line and somehow was able to get a show of hands. i walked around handing  out drinks, catching the lingering smell of strong liquor. i could tell by the end of tonight they would all be wasted and loud. please, just don't make more of a mess then you have to, i thought to myself. i had one drink left on my tray, "sweet tea?" the guy i saw before at the end of the table waved his hand and i dreaded going over there, i always seem to make a fool of myself when it matters. 

     i make my way slowly down the table with the tray under my arm and the tea in my hand. i lean over to sit his drink on the table.."here's your t-" *CRASH* while joking with one of his friends his elbow crashes into my hand sending the tea flying all over me and the cup crashing to the floor, thank god i wore black. he turned around and looked more horrified then i did. "i'm sorry! i'm so sorry!" his voice was deeper then i imagined it'd be. "no, it my fault i'm sorry ill get you a new one." i turned away to hide my embarrassment and walked away really just trying to get away from the situation. i could tell from the silence behind me that all eyes were on me. i ran to the back where the lockers were for the service. i went to the bathroom and stripped the sticky clothes off throwing them aside. i sat on the toilet  trying to catch my breath, my social anxiety had struck me  hard. a feeling of worthlessness and dread fell over me like a blanket. after the past few months i've had just one day without something terrible happening would mean the world to me. i heard a knock on the door, it was melany, she walked in with a towel from the kitchen. "hey, i heard what happen upstairs are you ok?" i covered my breast trying keep myself as unexposed as possible. "oh yea im fine, im just cold, and sticky, and... covered in tea." melany and i made eye contact and both laughed just to lift the dread in the air. "let me guess, all the guys are getting a kick out of watching me fumble again huh?" i said a little less concerned and more annoyed. she rolled her eyes "they are boys, they get a kick out of picking their own nose. we both slid to the floor beside each other, she hands me the damp towel. i get most of the sticky off as possible, throwing my hair up to make it look less clumped together by the sugar. "i have an extra black t shirt in my locker but i don't know how it will fit you. your breast are at least a size larger then mine." i shrugged my shoulders, "who cares ill make do. thanks for your help melany." she smiled her weird anime girl smile and ran to get the shirt from her locker.

     ill have to admit, she was right about the size thing. it was far to small around the chest area but the rest fit fine. after the incident my boss stuck me down stairs wiping tables and sweeping the floor, i dont mind though because i get to experience the day coming to an end with a beautiful sunset over California. i secretly kept the the window to watch as the sun fell from the sky. the sky seemed to burn and darken while the clouds began to glow with the last bit of sunlight left. the sky filled up with burning Burgundy and faded orange and yellows, the tallest buildings seemed to reach for the skyline as if it were a sunflower moving to the last drip of sunlight. moving here had been hard, and this had become one of the things i looked forwards to. living in the apartment with my friend was nice, buts its not the same as coming home to someone you use to lay with every night. sleeping alone seemed so much colder and emptier then i remembered from childhood. my mother would be so disappointed in the way i turned out, in the places id gone and the decision to spend my life with someone who was most obviously the wrong one. she would have told me to slow down and to take my time, that growing up wasn't everything. she would have said love isn't something you just wake up and have, its something you make. i wasn't anywhere close to where i thought id be by now, and i could see that. it tears at my heart everyday, not being able to see her or any of my family. sometimes it felt as if they'd all died in the fire that night. 

     i suddenly heard a boom of voices making their way down the stairs, i hadn't realized how close to closing time it had become. all of them walk out stumbling and laughing at their own jokes, seems they all got a good bit of drinking in, all except one. The guy i ran into on accident seemed as sober as ever, designated driver i think, he was much taller now. he seemed muscular but in such a fitting way for his body. his teeth sparkle because their so white, his smile complimented him best. his high cheekbones made his chocolate brown eyes his best feature. His skin was glowing with a sweet honey hue and before i could notice that i was staring he turned his head. his eyes met mind before i could think twice and that's when i felt the heat rise to my cheeks. weather it be from embarrassment or silly school girl shyness i didn't know . i turned my face away but it was too late, i turned my face a little just to catch a glimpse of him before he made his way out of the door and that's when i noticed his cheeks had gone from a burnt caramel to a rosy color. i felt my body shiver at the thought that maybe, just maybe he found me as attractive as i found him. i shook the thought from head realizing they had began locking the place down. as i helped close up shop and wash dishes i couldn't help but to let my mine wander to all different kinds of thoughts, funny thing was they always fell back to him and his rosy  cheeks. i couldn't help but smile as i felt my heart race at the thought of him, even though id made a fool of myself today i was glad i hadn't ruined my chances. Even if he'd never get with me or i wouldn't ever see him again, i'd still take it as a compliment that he even looked my way. 

     before long we were all outside laughing and talking about today. The manager locked the doors and said his goodbyes. i turn to walk towards the bus station when i see a man standing aside awkwardly between the restaurant and the parking lot. suddenly my eyes adjusted and once they did, the joyousness butterflies came back and the blush suddenly reappeared on my cheeks..

There are lots more chapter after this if you are interested you can find them here

https://my.w.tt/sosFRmianbb

[minyoonkeeks]

Late Night Maintenance // JJK

Pairing : JJK X Reader (F)

Genre: Smut/Fluff

Warnings : good old vanilla sex in all aspects, there's some oral and pretty much it. Nothing triggering (:

A/N: I know I said I was starting my new series, but my good friend who I originally wrote this fic for, finally read it. It's my first smut fic ever, and generally the second one I've even written. I've reread it and there are things I wish I could word better, but it's a growth process so I'm happy with it right now. Please let me know if you liked it (:

_________

"Yeah sure I can work with that schedule. Thank you so much for working with us, we will get the prompts out to you by the end of the week"

You quickly hung up the phone and organized your desk. It was you vacation getaway with your best friends from your hometown. All of you grew up together but when college started, you chose to stay and help out in the family travel business to get your photography started. It wasn't as big of a deal to you than to the other girls who wanted you to go with them, but it made your getaway trips legendary.

Hence why you were on your way, bolting to the airport to get on the first flight to Hong Kong. It was insane how quickly everything came together. Your best friend Lia's boyfriend Yoongi was on a special trip out during the time of your trip and was able to secure 3 more tickets for you, your other friend Becca and her boyfriend Hoseok. You only had 2 weeks to get everything ready and packed as much as you could for your week out in another country. To be honest, being at home started to feel stifling and you really wanted to see if your photography would get you anywhere else. It wasn't that you didn't love home, but it was obvious that nothing would happen if you stayed in your bubble.

So off you were, 1 week in Hong Kong with your best friends and all on their boyfriend's dime. It was odd, while Lia had Yoongi, Becca had Hoseok, and you weren't feeling any vibes from anyone. It didn't upset you, but you knew if you stayed any longer you'd end up marrying that creep from down the street who would stare at you whenever you made any trips out of your house. This was the perfect opportunity. You would see if your photography fared with any other artists, and just maybe you'd be able to get rid of some of those bad love juju vibes everyone said you had. 

"C'mon don't be like that!" Becca yelled while she finished getting ready in the bathroom. "Yeah we can't have our annual dinner without you!" Lia whined as she hugged your leg, causing it to fall asleep from how hard she was grabbing at it. "I just feel a little off. I love the guys, I do, but I don't wanna be third wheeling. I promise, we'll go out together another time. Just take today and go be in love you babies." You sighed as you changed the channel on the TV. Quickly a hotel promotion popped up for a night in at Disney Hong Kong, courtesy of the swanky hotel concierge team since you were in a hotel suite. "Look I can go to Disney at night! You know I've always wanted to go see the castle, and it's special hours for us. See I have something to do, so get ready so I can be on my way!" You feigned enthusiasm so they could get the hint and leave you alone. You really didn't want to sit through 2 hours of making out on one end and cutesy talk on the other. It was bad enough on the plane ride having to sit through it while everyone gave you pity looks and to deal with it tonight would be a no thanks since tomorrow the boys were off to do their business venture and you'd be with just the girls. "Fine, but if we come back and you are still here watching netflix in your pajamas you are dead meat." Lia stared at you, you knew she meant business, especially when she wasn't getting what she wanted. There wasn't any getting out of it either. You weren't planning on going, but 10 minutes into your Strong Girl Bong Soon rerun you thought, why the hell not? There wasn't anything stopping you, and it was free. You changed into a long sleeve with your favorite overalls decided to grab your camera and go down to see what Disney was about.

The ride to the park was quiet. You really didn't think you'd be one of 3 people in the van going to late night Disney. It was Disney, you know? Happiest place on earth? But you guessed it was because it was almost midnight that you'd have most of the park to yourself. There was an older man driving who you counted as one because otherwise you'd have to acknowledge that you were sitting next to an incredibly good looking man. He wore black tshirt over some jeans and you could tell he wasn't really looking at anything, kind of like he was lost in his own mind. As you sat down, he jolted up and looked right at you, big brown doe eyes full of innocence. You face flushed, how couldn't it, when smiled at you and very cooley said, "Hi, don't mind me, please sit." You had just about choked on air from how beautiful he smiled after talking. And so you sat in silence, trying not to fidget too much, so he wouldn't notice your awkwardness. When you finally arrived, you realized just how alone you'd be. The massive entryway only had 1 lane open and there were no cars passing by to drop off or pick up non existent passengers.

"Don't worry, it's open." The ridiculously cute boy said as he looked at you, smiling a huge bunny smile. You couldn't help but notice him now. Tall, really tall, and although he was wearing a large shirt, you could clearly see defined muscles making your eyebrows lift up from the surprise, and hoping he didn't notice. But clearly he did as he smirked giving you your once over. 

"Oh, and you know this how?" You asked, trying not to sound too out of control from how your brain wanted grab his arms as a reflex to see if he was really built because you hadn't had any decent sex in so long. He stared at you for a second, trying to gage whether you were teasing him, or you genuinely wanted to know. "Oh, I work here. I'm helping renovate the castle with my uncle since I had some time off this summer and he needed the extra help. Most of the guests don't come out at this time since I guess they like to sleep." He chuckled to himself and you made a face worthy of laughter. Was he messing with you? "Honestly, I only came to get the churros and head out, thanks" you scoffed. You chuckled under your breath as you saw his reaction, clearly not expecting you to bite back at his teasing, or lame attempt at it anyway. You walked past him and into the park ignoring his eyes as he looked right at you, smug smile from being defeated at his own game.

The park was beautiful. Lights and rides lit up, although none of them were running at this hour for safety reasons. It was ok since you came to take photos anyway. You took your camera out of its case and began taking photos. It was so relaxing, for the first time feeling like your photos were yours and not solely for the purpose of putting them on a travel ad. You loved your job, I mean it was your parents blood, sweat, and tears that went into it, but it wasn't yours. It was their dream. And being here now, taking photos and being carefree for a second made you realize what you were missing out on.

"Beautiful, right?" You heard his voice behind you. Almost as if he was so close you could feel his breath on you, and for a second you had to get a hold of yourself. "Yeah, it's definitely out of this world" you mentioned, trying to keep the ache in your pants from making you choke on your words. He ends up right next to you staring curiously as you gaze out at the landscape and it's enough to make you lose your breath.

"C'mon, I'm not on a time crunch, I can show you around if you'd like. My name's Jungkook by the way." He smiles at you and extends a hand. You take notice at how he squeezes a little too hard and it makes you think of how it'd be like for him to squeeze your thighs to let him in and you have to snap out of it. "I'm ______, sure I could go for some company." 

As he's explaining the buildings while you're taking photos, you can't help but feel him looking at you from time to time and it makes your knees weak. If it was day time, it probably wouldn't have the same effect, but something about the lights and the fact that he kept getting closer to you made you think about how his arms would feel around your waist, or how his torso would feel around your legs. 

"And here's my stop." You quickly broke out of your thoughts to look up at the dark castle. He notices how you startle to his voice and laughs a little. "Oh, I didn't realize it was so soon. Thanks Jungkook, this was fun" you mumble back, cheeks red from where your thoughts were leading you. He looks flushed and for a second he's biting on his lip, making yours do the same. "You want to come look inside? There's a few rooms that don't have access for regular customers, but I can show you if you promise not to tell anyone." He nudges you, and you feel his muscles through his shirt, yeah definitely ripped, you thought. "Sure, as long as you'll let me take a few photos, I mean not like you own the place" you laugh awkwardly and slap his shoulder. He winks at you as you both start walking towards the gate.

As you walk in you have a great sense of… nothing. Its blank, gray walls coating the inside of something so beautiful on the outside. You see the lights through stained glass illuminating your pathway and you wonder for a second where all the illusion went. Jungkook is walking slowly behind you and you fail to notice when he puts his hand on your waist as he guides you in the dark. As you reach his work destination you see it's quiet and completely alone, but you aren't nervous. "It's kind of weird huh? We're supposed to be adding a terrace and it's already there but we're waiting on the designers to finish their sketching to continue. We're supposed to meet them tomorrow. Here, let me show you." He takes you hand and laces his fingers between yours as he guides you up to the terrace.

You get there and he holds you by the waist to pick you up. As you look out and see the view you can't help but feel how rough his hands are on your waist. You turn and stare at him gauging if it's your imagination, or if he wants the same thing you do. You shake the thoughts out of your head walking towards the edge to take a closer look around the park. You take a few photos, noticing how Jungkook stands behind you, leaning against a post. It kind of makes you take a second to breath, feeling like he's staring at you and not at the scenery around him. "Come sit with me" he calls out to you, and as you turned you saw him laying a blanket down. " Since I work night shifts, I usually spend my time listening to music and sitting here. It's pretty calm, and I like hearing the way the wind carries over." He sounds happy and you smile as you walk over to him sitting next to him. He grabs your hand and holds it, and at first it startles you, but seeing his smile as he lays back a little you can't help but wonder if he would be like this all the time. If this was how he treated his special someone. You talked for what felt like hours  about your home, your job, and you ambitions. He would smile occasionally and tell you about his life. He wasn't actually from Hong Kong, but just working while he figured out where he wanted to go or do. You admired him for that, being free enough to go anywhere and do what he wanted without falling into pressure. "Why don't you come with me next time? I'll probably go back home to Korea for a few months and then set out somewhere, anywhere. We'd have a lot of fun." He remarked and looked at you, big brown eyes full of interest. It was different, feeling like you were meant to meet him tonight, and although you'd never make a rash decision, you couldn't help but love the idea of hanging out with him, taking photos, and having fun. It seemed too good to be true but you didn't let that get in the way. 

You stand up and pull on his arm to help him up, Jungkook towering over you. "Sure, maybe one day, you never know." You smile at him. He's warm and sweet and yet you can't quite place what he's thinking as he squeezes your fingers between his as he jumps off the terrace.

He pulls you down slightly and places his hand behind your neck bringing you down to his eye level. You could smell his musky scent and moaned a little too loudly into him and his soft eyes quickly turned into lust. He took your face into his and kissed you, at first with so much yearning, that you couldn't help but open your mouth to let him in. " I've been waiting all night to do that." He smiled as he let go for a quick second before attaching himself to you again. He brought you down and sat you on the edge to kiss you harder and longer. You opened your legs to let him slide his body in between yours and you gasped when you felt his hardness brush against you. "Mmm Kook, me too" you whispered. He took that as an opportunity to let his tongue slip inside you again and you only moaned louder into him, making him smirk. As he pulled away he watched you, with dark lust filled eyes, as he spoke roughly. "You really couldn't wear something a little more convenient huh?" He said as he watched you catch your breath and slowly unbuckle your overalls. "I didn't really think I'd be fucking a hot ass guy at a palace, did I?" You chuckled as he went to suck on your collarbone. He went slowly up your neck sucking and leaving love marks, as you moaned in anticipation for what was next. "I knew I was going to fuck you from the moment I saw you get on the van" he growled into your ear and nibbled, "Well then, fuck me please" was all you could say before he crashed his lips back onto yours.

His hands quickly trailed down your sides, along your breasts, making you hitch your breath. He squeezed at your nipples between the fabric of your bra causing you to moan out his name in pure ecstasy. He tugged on the ends of your shirt and you lifted up your hands to let him take it off. As he stood back for a second, you started feeling anxious, but the look on his face gave away any inhibitions about what you wanted to do to him. You unclipped your bra staring right at him as you slowly took it off, watching as he devoured your body with his eyes. "This really is the most magical place on earth. You're gorgeous, come here" he said walking back towards you.

He started kissing your lips slowly, leaving love bites down your neck and into your chest. Once he reached your breast, he kissed around reaching your nipple and sucking on it making you gush between your thighs. He looked up to lock eyes with you and trailed the other hand between your legs to feel your heat. "I think it's time we take these off don't you think?" Jungkook said as he moved to take off the rest of your clothes.

As they hit the floor, Jungkook's lips were back nibbling on your nipple as his hand made his way back to your mound. There was no denying how aroused you were when he felt your slickness soaking through your panties. "Mmm, feels like I could fit right in already huh?" He said as he moved your panties to the side and slid his fingers through your slit, making you moan in response. "I want to see you too" you said as you tugged off his shirt. You ran your fingers over his defined muscles and kissed along his shoulder blade, smooth skin hot and cold at the same time.

"Lay down for me" he whispered as he tugged your panties off. He lowered himself to your thighs, kissing along and leaving a trail of bite marks, claiming every bit of your body that he could. Once he reached your core he trailed his tongue up your slit, bringing more moans out of you. "You like that baby?" He whispered as he licked once more, this time circling your clit with his tongue. You grabbed the back of his head as a reflex, and it only made him hungrier for your juices. He groaned into your pussy lips to suck on your clit. "Mmm, you taste so good baby, I could do this all night." His voice sounding an octave lower and full of sex. All you could do was moan, hearing him call you baby made a fresh wave of arousal hit you. 'More, I need more" was all you could say as Jungkook slipped a finger into your aching cunt. Your walls clenched his fingers, happy for the intrusion as your juices coated his finger when he started fucking you with it. Your moans getting louder, and his assault on your clit, making you grind into his face. You could feel him moving his stance and looked over for a second to see him palming his erection, waiting to be released. It made you so much wetter knowing that he was enjoying this just as much as you. He noticed you looking and slid a second finger provoking another loud moan from you. "You're so tight baby, I need to make sure you're ready for me" he said as he scissored his fingers into you. "I want to see you" you said between moans, earning another groan from him as he fucked you with both fingers. He curled them inside of you, hitting your sweet spot and making you gasp loudly only making him harder. "Cum in my mouth baby and I'll give you whatever you want" he whispered into you and began fucking you harder. Hearing those words were enough and soon you were toppling over the edge, seeing white and groaning out his name "Fuck , Kook!" Was the only coherent thing coming out of your mouth as you came. He kissed your cunt, stood up, juices covering his mouth and chin, as he smiled seductively, leaving your aching pussy wanting more. "That was so hot," He took your hands and pulled you up so you were meeting his chest. "Show me how much you want me"

You lowered yourself off the terrace, knees wobbly from how you body reacted to Jungkook, and held onto his jeans. Slowly kissing down his toned torso you skimmed the lining of his jeans to reach the buttons. Undoing the clasp, you looked kissed him roughly as he moaned into you. You pulled his jeans down  slowly along with his boxers releasing him from the constraints of the fabric. As you got on your knees you let out a huge sigh. He was big, bigger and thicker than you have ever had. "You like what you see baby?" He whispered bringing it down and stroking it in front of you, making your pussy ache from the sight. He has a slight curve and he was red with how hard he was, precum droplets coming out of the slit. It looked delicious and all you could think about was how he would feel fucking your mouth. You looked up at him, and he was holding his breath to see what you would do. You smirked and licked from his balls up to the tip of his cock, feeling him tremble under your touch. You licked the precum off, slowly engulfing him in your mouth. He groaned and gripped onto the edge of the terrace as you started to bob your head, licking around the tip to give.him a little more. "Fuck ____ you look gorgeous, so beautiful baby. Take my cock in all the way." He hissed as you licked around his cockhead once more. There was no way he would fit completely inside your mouth, but as you pumped your mouth on him he grabbed your head and began fucking you mercilessly. "Fuck _____ it feels so fucking good. Your mouth feels like it was made for me to fuck it" his thrusting getting more intense only made your arousal come back faster and soon you were rubbing your clit with the same speed as his mouth fucking. You pulled away fast, sucking and popping him out of your mouth when he started getting sloppy, knowing that he was going to cum.

"Baby, I need you in me." Was all you could say as he picks you up and throws you back on the terrace, placing his body right between you on the edge. You could feel his rock solid erection throbbing close to your core. "I Don't have protection, didn't really think I needed it tonight  you know?" He says, hunger in his eyes. "It's fine, I have a thing, keeps the babies away, just fuck me already" you moaned back waiting to see what he'd do. He brought his face close up to yours and kissed you hard, hard enough for you not to notice him rubbing his dick against your slit. "Good, it'll just make the sex even better" he whispered and slammed his dick into you, giving you no time to prepare. "Fucking hell, oh shit" was all you could say as he cradled you in his arms fucking you as if he'd prepared al alongl. It stung, more than you thought it would, but hearing his grunts and moans only made you want him to fuck you harder, and soon all you could feel was the intense pleasure from his dick slapping against your cunt. He nibbled on your ear as you repeatedly told him to fuck you faster and harder, wrapping your legs around him and holding on. "You're so fucking tight baby, just like I imagined. Even better. I can't wait to --ugh-- fucking spill everything in you, on you, everywhere." He cursed as he railed into you. He placed his hand between you and started rubbing circles around your clit bringing screaming moans out of you. "Kook, fuck me harder, I need more." Was all you could say. He trusted into you one last time before holding himself as deep as he could, trying to catch his breath, and trying even harder not to cum inside you yet. He pulled out, leaving you empty for a second and climbed on the terrace, pulling you down on top of him. 

"Ride me, I want to see you ride me" he said panting. You aligned yourself on his cock, your lips slowly taking the head of his cock in as he looked with full lust in his eyes. "This is fucking amazing, you're so fucking beautiful" he gulped as you took him in inch by inch, moaning into him and dropping down giving him a kiss. It wasn't rough, just sexual and intimate, and you moaned out his name slowly grinding against him. He grabbed your thighs, the rough sweaty texture of him making you clench around him even more as you slowly roll your hips against his. "You're gorgeous Kook, let me look at you" you softly tell him as you move his sweaty hair from his face making him blush. He makes his way to your breasts and squeezes them gently making soft whimpers from where he wants to fuck into you. You lower your body and he takes a nipple into his mouth slowly circling and biting the perky nub, "yeah, just like that" you whisper as your fucking goes from intense and rough to sensual and intimate as you get closer to your release. He brings your hips lower into him, feeling his cock reach areas you hadn't ever felt someone reach and making you wimper and fuck back into him harder. "Yeah just like that baby, make yourself feel good for me. -mmmm- I want to feel you cum on my cock" he groans in small broken sentences, getting sloppier by the second. It only turns you on even more to hear him talk like that so you're grinding onto him harder. You grab the nape of his neck and pull him up with you as you move your legs around his waist. It gives him access to start fucking harder into you, holding your hips down as you ride him, unable to control your moans. He kisses you, hungrily, as if he's asking for something, and soon you grab onto him, seeing white, and feeling the pressure snap and release into pure bliss. "Fuck ____ you look so beautiful cumming for me, don't stop." You hear him through your orgasm as you go in for a kiss. He takes it and moans as he releases into you, spilling his seed inside and coating your walls. He rides out his orgasm, leaving you sensitive and holding tightly to his back to steady yourself. "Wait, too much." You say, panting into his neck.

As you slowly stop he turns and looks at you, his face happy and smiling, unable to contain himself as he kisses you again. "That was way better than working tonight, " he jokes and soon you're both laughing into each other. You nudge him playfully and rest your head on his shoulder,leaning back to lay down over the terrace. He takes his shirt and drapes it over you, and you can't tell when, but you fall asleep.

When you wake up in the morning, groggy from your late night escapade you see Jungkook shuffling away and cleaning the area. "Here, we're late. My uncle and our associates are coming to look at our progress. I'm gonna need you to go out the back," he says as he hands you your clothes, pulling you up to get ready. You quickly put on everything and follow him out the back way. He looks at you, kind of like he wants to say something, but instead kisses your forehead. "What was that?" You chuckle, cheeks reddening from the sudden intimacy. "For making my job ten times better last night." He says laughing and pulling you into a quick hug. "Oh that? No problem, anytime" you say and you eyes widen at the comment clearly stupid enough to come out of your mouth. "Yeah, I'd like that. Here, take my number call me when you get a chance to go out. And I don't mean just to do last night, although, I'd like that too" he laughs as he's trying not to blush. "Thanks, I'll see you around." You tell him as you walk out and towards the gate of the park.

By the time you get back to the hotel, all you want to do is sleep on your warm bed and bask in the way it felt to be touched by Jungkook. You let out a huge sigh and plop down only to feel someone tugging at your legs. "_____ !! What are you doing?? Where have you been? Wake up, we have somewhere to go. I promise you'll like it. " Lia says as she's tugging at you. "I told you I was going out. Where are we going? You didn't mention anything before" you groaned as you kicked her legs away wanting to engulf yourself in the pillows. "Come on, it'll be fun I promise." Becca said as she turned the shower on and Lia dragged you into it. "Wear something cute we're going out to celebrate Yoongi and Hobi making cash! They got the contract and are taking us out!" "Ugh fine, only if you'll let me come back early. I'm tired." You sighed making your way to the restroom and getting ready against your better judgement.

Once you got out of the taxi you walked into the diner looking through your purse and bumping into something hard. "Sorry, I didn't mean to," you reply as Lia's pulling you back . "It's ok " you hear a voice say and suddenly your eyes open wide and you look up. "____ this is Jungkook, sorry about that bro, sometimes she gets lost her headspace" Yoongi mentioned as you looked bewildered at the scene before your eyes. "It's fine, hey ____ nice to meet you, I'm Jungkook" he smiles wide as you take his hand and blush unintentionally at the contact. Lia and Becca share glances and giggle telling the boys to go sit down so you could have a moment. 

"What's going on" you say as you feel him tangle his fingers through yours. He gets close enough to not cause any suspicion but enough to put his hand around your waist and caress your side. " I didn't think it'd be appropriate to tell them I knew you as the girl who fucked me last night. Let's keep that between us, but…" he paused and got closer to your ear whispering, "this definitely makes things easier don't you think?"

[anakinthetrashking]

If y'all happen to want to include this in your fics and need/want some extra little details, here's some from me who has always hated shoes

I remember on road trips as a kid my parents would have to tell me 10mins ahead of time that we were going to stop somewhere, because I needed the time in order to put my socks and shoes back on. I guess there was enough times that we would get into the parking lot and I'd be scrambling to get my shoes on and they'd have to wait an extra five minutes for me to find get my shoes on. So they started warning me ahead of time. Although I would still end up scrambling because either I got distracted or procrastinated it bc I hated wearing shoes.

Now on road trips it was a bit whatever, but I had the habit of taking off my shoes and socks the minute we got into the car. We could be on our way to the grocery store less than 10mins away, but my shoes were OFF. Frustration abounds.

I also took my shoes off during school. If not all the way, I would atleast slip my heels out of them. Queue more scrambling to get them back on anytime we had to get up from our desks. (I was always too weird about germs to walk through my school barefoot, but for some reason with socks it was ok. But I tell you, sliding through school hallways in your socks while they're empty is WAY too much fun) most of the time if I could, the socks came off with the shoes, I don't like wearing shoes without socks, and if I've already got my shoes off, I don't want to be wearing socks either. The pressure of it on my feet feels weird to me. I think it's a sensory issue tbh.

The other thing that is VERY IMPORTANT. You can do sooooooo much more without shoes. Like the gymnast in the notes said, shoes restrict your range of movement, and tbh your grip, too. Climbing trees is soooo much easier barefoot! Running and spinning and chasing other kids and feeling the grass in your toes.. it's gotta be barefoot. (If you're on decent grass, that is. Where I grew up had nice thick soft blades of grass, but where I live now has pokey-stiff-ouchy-actual-blades grass. And fire ants which make it WORSE. It sucks. :/ )

Another upside to being barefoot is being able to pick things up with your toes. (Evidently not everyone can do that?? I think he'd be able to tho)

I tooootally agree with OP on loosing shoes by flinging them everywhere. I think ADHD!Dick is a pretty common headcannon, and lemme tell you, the amount of things I can't find because I take them off/set them down without thinking is insane. I keep misplacing my glasses, which I cannot see without, because I set them down while I'm distracted reading something. This is the worst. So. Places to loose them.

Alfred definitely makes him wear shoes when he goes outside to play. Without fail, he comes back in without shoes on. Where are they? Who knows? He probably gets sent back out to go find them LOL. I also feel like he would be the kind of kid who sees the first snow of winter and bolts out the door. And then runs back inside hopping because OW COLD.

And then there's Galas, oh man. His shoes are somewhere under one of the many tables that have floor length table cloths. They will not be found until the ballroom is cleaned up. Maybe they're sticking out from under the table? Someone trips on them. "Oops?" It might be someone particularly hated, tho. Were the shoes left there on purpose? Perhaps. (Speaking of running around in socks in the ballroom, go read this amazing fluff )

While most of this fits perfectly for a kid fic, a lot of it translates into being a teen/adult. His shoes still come off at his desk at school and later at his desk in the police precinct. And most definitely at Galas. He doesn't act any differently so most everyone doesn't notice, but Bruce always notices, and while he tries to give him a *look* bc Alfred tried to raise them all to be "civilised", it's one of the small details that Bruce loves. Because Dick may have grown up, but he's still his son, he's still the same energetic, enthusiastic, passionate spitfire of a boy, but now he's grown up and his own man and Bruce couldn't be more proud.

What’s weird about Dick in Robin Annual #4 is that he’s always wandering around without his shoes on. What’s up with that? Like for real. He sneaks out of juvie barefoot. Then later on when he runs away from the manor to get to the circus, he takes his shoes off and hangs them around his neck.

Why does he hate shoes so much? And why does no one include this in their headcanons/fics? Because I think it would be hilarious if Dick just constantly showed up to places without his shoes on or if he kicked them off as soon as he hopped off his motorcycle.

Imagine Robin Dick losing his shoes left and right because he always flings them off his feet in random directions, and Alfred is just like ?? where the fuck are all the shoes we just bought this kid?