#although full disclosure the i would pick ‘other’

[appropriatelystupid]

i was gonna make a poll about the craziest hair they’ve ever made kmcg wear onscreen but then i realized it’s really just

elizabeth carruther’s marge simpson bouffant (i just stared at a shot of it for like ten minutes because it’s almost hypnotic)

elizabeth walsh’s whole thing

lena’s wedding hair

[hyunjinsjeans]

Can you believe it?

Masterlist

Pairing: Felix x Reader

Related: He Knows Universe: Felix ver.

Summary: You and Felix started your family in an unconventional way but it worked out and in the end you even got a little surprise.

Genre: 🧸 Fluff + ❤️‍🩹 Angst and Comfort

Warnings: Mentions of infertility. Mentions of pregnancy. Health issues are discussed. Half-ass proofreading.

Word Count: 3284

AN: Surprise! I played myself with this one (I want what these two have!) Also, full disclosure: I actually wrote this one months before I even got Felix’s He Knows part 1 done… 

You wake up to the sound of your baby girl crying. Your brain does not even register that someone is next to you on the bed, it sparks into "go, go, go!" mode and you jump off the bed to stumble into your slippers and all but run out into the hallway to hear the loud sobs growing louder and louder.

Kiri's cry was desperate, making your heart feel like it was being squeezed in a cruel invisible fist. Your feet carried you in a hurry all the way to her room where you could see her pretty face now all red and wet with tears. You opened your arms at her right away and cooed at the three-year-old.

She put her arms up and let you pick her up as soon as she saw you in the dark. Her sobs started giving way to more silent cries when you held her and handed her the fluffy brown cow print blanket you got her the day you brought her home.

"What is it, baby?" You kissed the top of her head and pulled her up on your hip.

The little girl laid her head on the crook of your neck and you let her settle there while you paced her room from the door to the window.

When people said you were never ready to be a parent, they were right. You knew it already, but adopting Kiri served as confirmation. She was small and sweet, a little girl who knew little more than the system. She was given up as a newborn and although when you and Felix looked for a child to adopt you had anticipated they would probably pair you with an older one, she was what the social worker saw fit. And after almost six months of paperwork and sneaky trips to Australia, you finally got to pick up your daughter at the centre.

You were happy to introduce her to Felix's family and fortunately, Kiri was in a good mood to meet everyone. During the last few days, you have been getting used to life at home in Korea as a family of three. And Kiri has been nothing but happy, her big brown eyes always discovering something to ask about. She clung to you and Felix as if her life depended on it - in a way, you supposed it does, you are her parents now.

This is the first time she wakes you in the middle of the night like this, and you have to wonder what happened? So you ask her.

"Ki, did you have a bad dream?" you rub circles on her back and hear how she calms down.

When you grab a tissue to wipe her face and blow her nose she looked around the room as if she lost something.

"What is it, peach?"

You used her nickname, both you and Felix agreed you would not change her name once you adopted her. She was given a beautiful Maori name that means "fruit", since she loved the soft peaches in Korea you two started calling her "peach".

"Others?" she wonders in response.

You frown for a second and look around, spooked for a moment before a voice of reason resonates inside your head. She meant the other kids in the foster home. When she was in Australia she shared a room with three older girls, it was natural that she was used to wake up in the middle of the night and catch a glimpse of one of the other girls.

"Oh, baby..." you held her tight against your chest. "It's okay, daddy and I are in the other room. You've got us, Ki."

She squeezed her blanket in her tiny hand. You swayed her side to side to cheer her up as your words did not seem to bring her the comfort you expected.

An idea sneaked into your brain and you fake gasped, "I know!" you looked down at her and bopped her pointy little nose. "A glass of warm chocolate milk will fix anything!"

"Milk?" She repeated, interested.

"Mhm!" You inhaled slowly to avoid yawning, "come on, Miss Peach"

You went up to her large crib and showed her the collection of stuffed animals, "are we bringing a friend?" you asked her.

Kiri nodded and pointed at a small rabbit with a pink bow. You reached down and grabbed it for her. Now she pressed the stuffed animal between your chest and her small body.

Once in the kitchen, you went to put her down on one of the tall chairs by the long bar but she protested. A loud panicked scream left her and you immediately held her in your arms. Not too long after, Felix made an appearance around the corner.

His hair was messy from sleeping and he had pulled a white t-shirt on before coming to see what you two were doing.

"Oh, good!" You smiled at him and pointed at the stove, "would you help us warm up some milk?"

Felix's eyes were not yet fully open, but he needed, needing no explanation he came up to you and your daughter and he touched Kiri's head, brushing her soft brown curls back.

"Chocolate?" he asked her in his deep, sleep-filled voice.

Somehow this did not scare Kiri. She looked up and put a side of the blanket under her nose, running it against it with her eyes on the blond.

"Yeah, that'll put us back to sleep in a heartbeat..." Felix looked up at you and showed you a tired side smile.

You watched Felix closely as he put a small pot on the stove and warmed up the milk before adding some powdered chocolate into it and allowing it to come to a simmer. Kiri in your arms stretched her neck to look into the cupboard once you offered to let her pick a sippy cup to drink from. The collection was humble as you had only brought her home to Korea three weeks ago. Still, you showed her the Molang cup and then the Pororo one, she was not super into either so you reached for the Bluey one. This got her attention and she almost dropped her blanket to grab it.

Felix smiled at her when she handed him the plastic cup, he poured a little over half of the cup worth of milk and then split the rest into two mugs for the two of you.

Kiri sat in your lap while you drank the chocolate milk in silence, Felix was sure if he began talking he would end up hyping her up and then you would have to stay up all night to play with her until she fell asleep.

"Hey," Felix whispered a few minutes later when the small girl cuddled into your chest began dozing off.

Your husband grabbed the sippy cup from her hands, catching it in time before it slipped out of her grasp to land on the floor. He put it down beside his mug and leaned over the kitchen bar to check her face. His eyes squinted and he turned to you with a small side smile, whispering again "she's asleep," he looked back at her once more and added, "she's really cute."

You took a sip of your milk and left the mug on the bar before wrapping your arms around her, pulling her closer so she wouldn't twist her neck.

"Yes, she is."

You kissed the top of her head and then watched Felix clean up, washing some of the dirty dishes before coming up to you to help. He grabbed Kiri and held her against his chest to take her to her room. Walking behind him you agreed to bring her into your room so if she woke up again she would not get scared once more. With your baby daughter sound asleep between the two, you and Felix fell asleep quickly.

The next morning you were the last one to wake up, Felix was already making little Kiri laugh. He had grabbed her bunny and made it dance for her, clapping its hands and sending kisses her way. The young child squealed in delight and admired Felix with enthusiasm.

For her good fortune, the two of you were taking a break from work to settle into your new family life. The next couple of days you went everywhere together and even took her to some play dates with the Hwang twins, which she seemed to enjoy more than meeting the younger yet louder Lee Ho-Joon.

You were worried about how she would react when Felix went back to his hectic schedule, and once the time came she was in fact somewhat fussy. She really took a liking to her new Dad and seeing her wander around the house looking for him in the mornings made you feel somewhat guilty. Felix was not much better with it, as soon as he walked through the door he was greeted with the happy yelling of an excited three-year-old, who rather soon began calling him dad. He was fond of the term but you were appalled as she did not call you mom until about the 4 month mark.

Coming into Kiri’s life was a painful ordeal, so her cuddling into you and calling you mommy was the most amazing feeling you’ve experienced.

After you agreed you wanted to have a baby with Felix it did not matter how much you tried or wanted it; your period was still coming and month after month you wondered if you were doing something wrong. A few times you had a late period and those couple of times were the worst. It was heartbreaking when you woke up one morning and saw the red stains of your late period on your underwear. You cried in silence in the bathroom both times it happened, not wanting to let Felix know exactly how useless you were. Because you felt useless. The only thing Felix ever asked of you, and you were unable to give it to him. It was killing you.

And Felix saw right through your strong façade. He knew you were giddy for a couple of days and then you wouldn’t look him in the eye for weeks. He could tell you were growing impatient, then desperate and lastly he saw your light dim. Felix hated what this was doing to you, so he put a stop to it. “It’s hurting you.” He said one day, early morning. You were reading a script in the patio and he drank a smoothie.

You were insistent that you wanted to have a family with him, that it made no sense you couldn’t get pregnant because there was nothing wrong with you. Felix had enough by then. Seeing you grow small and retreat into a quiet sad creature, he could not recognize his wife. He pulled the plug and brought up a new idea to ease your worries. “We could also adopt, you don’t have to go through all this…”

It took a couple of long conversations. You tried your best, gave it your best shot at doing it yourself, you wanted to have that experience with your husband. Bringing life into the world. Having a little boy or girl or whatever they decided to be and have them be half him and half you.

But it just wouldn’t work. And all the trying and trying was hurting you. 

In the end adoption was a great option, it did not matter that you were not blood related, it would be your baby - very planned, wanted and loved. Korea was a bit tricky for those things, especially as both of you had foreign passports, so it seemed easier to try to do it in Australia since Felix was born there, everyone helped with the process. His family and yours, even your managers helped by finding a law firm in Sydney to deal with the legal aspect, and Felix made all the arrangements necessary to travel with you for appointments with the social workers. You were over the moon when you got approved and then a few months later the email came in with information on your match.

It was Kiri’s file.

You did not know what to expect then, but it came as a surprise that she was still almost a baby. Felix was relieved but he liked to believe he would have been fine with an older kid as well.

You were instantly in love. Kiri’s drawings spoke of her sweet nature even if they were little more than doodles. She smiled in every single picture and her light brown curly hair reminded you of the foamy sea that surrounded her native land. Kiri was a Lee the moment you signed the documents and you were ready to give up everything for your daughter the moment her eyes met yours. She was so little and innocent, a pure little thing with no clue of what was going on. She had been all smiles when you introduced her to Felix’s sisters and then she won his parents over in a matter of seconds as she played peekaboo with his mom laughing that high pitched laugh that is so characteristic of smaller children.

You finished shooting for your last movie the year before and you were still not confirmed for the press yunket that would follow this year, you wanted to settle down with your family before leaving Felix and Kiri alone. Your time was spent at home, cleaning and cooking, playing with your daughter, dancing around the living room in your socks, going on walks to the park and occasionally watching a kids show with your daughter sitting on your lap. You laughed plenty in Felix’s absence and Kiri could never complain your attention was elsewhere.

Your career was obviously not a priority when you were growing so comfortable in your new role as a mom.

Kiri is still so dependent of you. Preferring to turn to you for food and asking you to go on walks. She calls you mom or mommy on rare occasions though. Maybe, you reason with yourself, the word mom is more difficult than dad. Maybe, the word mom does not come easy to Kiri, who was only a few hours old when her mother made the difficult decision to give her up for adoption.

But you chose to let her be, and let things fall into place on their own. Felix fell into a comfortable routine as well, would be out the door before Kiri was awake but at night he would play with her as soon as he was through the door again. He loved to read her to sleep and tuck her in. He would kiss the top of her head as she drifted to sleep and then he covered her with the blanket.

“I think she is going to outgrow that crib before her birthday,” you told him one day.

“I know,” his eyes opened wide, “she’s growing so fast!”

“Aww, are you upset that your babygirl has bigger hands than you already?” You teased, hugging him and placing your chin against his chest to have a good look at his unamused expression.

“My babygirl could be the size of Godzilla and I’d be a proud dad, but… I wish she could stay small for longer.”

You smiled at him and let go, turning on your heel to go put on your slippers and get breakfast started. If only you hadn’t felt your stomach float around inside you. In an instant there were goosebumps all over your arms and your mouth went dry.

“Love?” He grabbed your elbow to give you support as you tried to ground yourself. “Are you…?”

“I’mgoingtopuke!” You practically spat and ran into the bathroom.

Felix followed you, concerned, and entered the bathroom just as you emptied what little contents were in your stomach from the night before. He pulled your hair back and rubbed your shoulder as if he could soothe you. Throwing up on an empty stomach was horrendous. You did not look sick when you were done and allowing your husband to clean you up in front of the sink.

You did not say a word to one another until you had finished brushing your teeth and felt closer to normal.

“So…” Felix started, pushing his hair back.

You bit your lip and turned to your fingers, counting. Then counting again. You jumped and turned to him with a glint of something in your eye. He saw you and felt himself shift in expectation.

“Do you want to go to the store or should I do it?”

Felix reasoned with himself and smiled at you.

“I’ll do it, Kiri might freak out if she wakes up and you’re not home,” he grabbed your face and pulled you into him to kiss your forehead.

“Get two, different brands.” You instructed, holding onto his arm.

You let his arm slip from your grasp as you watched him go to pull on a jacket and a cap. 

He walked out the door soon after and when he came back his heart was racing.

He reached you and gave you the plastic bag, speaking while you both rushed into the bathroom. 

“Whatever happens, Y/N, whatever that thing says… love, it’s okay.”

You nodded frantically and at this point you two cared very little about watching each other pee, so he stood there by the bathroom door as you sat at the toilet and opened the two boxes. Felix bit his nails as you skimmed through the instructions before passing them to him. You were in the tricky business of actually peeing on the sticks when a small voice echoed down the hall.

“Eomma?”

Felix jumped and left the paper on the sink, without a word he left to get Kiri out of her crib. Unaware of what happened with her parents, the little girl was thrilled to see daddy was home. She bounced on the crib, small hands gripping the edge of the wooden railing to support herself. Her hands reached for Felix, the strange blond man who had the funniest things to say and the craziest brothers - for all she knew, all of Felix’s members were her uncles.

“G’day Miss Peach!” He pulled her up with a smile on his face.

She allowed for Felix to carry her in his arms as she gave his cheek a loud kiss. Kiri was most definitely a morning person. 

“Mommy?” She wondered soon.

“Hmm, she is busy right now,” he explained, “should we go get something to eat? Are you maybe in the mood for… waffles?”

Kiri’s eyes lit up, she cuddled into her father’s chest and the two found their way into the kitchen where you had left things half prepared for breakfast. He started warming up the waffle iron and was setting up a chair for your daughter to watch from when you ran into the open kitchen with a tear stained face and two plastic sticks in your hand.

“We did it!” You yelled, making Felix turn around with Kiri on his hip.

“Mommy!” She made grabby hands in your direction. “What we do?”

You laughed like an insane person and rushed around the island to take her from Felix’s arms.

“We made a little surprise for you, baby!” You held her into your chest and more tears slipped down your face. “But we’re all going to be patient until it get here…”

Felix took the tests from your hand and stared in bewilderment. It was true. It was happening. His eyes found you again, his entire world was right there. His best girls. You and Kiri. You, Kiri and your baby.

He went to put his arms around the two of you, his world was bigger than ever and his heart felt like it was about to burst with happiness and excitement.

“We have been patient,” Felix kissed your wet cheek, then he smiled at your daughter. “We’ll wait some more…”

The two of you shared a look, aware of how delicate the topic was to tell your young daughter right now. But the thought crossed both of your minds: Kiri was growing up fast indeed, so much so that she was going to be a big sister soon.

——— Likes, Reblogs and Comments are welcome! Thank you for reading!

[hard-core-super-star]

May I please request that Hailee and reader are in a secret relationship, and hailee is on instagram live, fans can hear movement and voices in the background and keep asking hailee whose with her.

meet me there, i'll give you your roses [H.Steinfeld]

pairing: hailee steinfeld x reader

summary: just because you two are supposed to be keeping your relationship a secret doesn't mean you can't have some fun with it.

warnings: none, just fluff; secret relationship shenanigans; weird descriptions of an instagram live chat; still can't write endings :)

wordcount: 1k

a/n: full disclosure, the title has nothing to do with the fic at all, i'm just spreading the måneskin agenda. i sort of messed around with the point of view in this fic, it might not be noticeable but just wanted to point it out in case it's confusing. it's more hailee-centric than my other fics instead of it just being about R's thoughts. you'll see what i mean, hope you enjoy! <3

* * * * * * *

Hailee’s eyes are trained on the screen of her phone while she tells the most ridiculously random story she could think of. It’s been far too long since the last time she did an Instagram Live and her excitement at getting to interact with her fans again is more than a little obvious.

Free time has been harder and harder to find between all the photoshoots and interviews, especially considering there's only one person she wants to talk to when her schedule allows it.

“And then y/n had to come in and-”

You look up at the sound of your name. You hadn’t been paying much attention to her story, too busy looking through food delivery apps and trying to decide what to have for dinner.

The original plan was to cook something for dinner but a certain someone decided to do an impulsive Live instead and so the plan was scrapped. Not that you mind. Hailee’s skill in the kitchen is…a work in progress, at least when it comes to potato peels.

Her eyes meet yours almost as if she knows exactly what you’re thinking about. You half expect her to stick her tongue out at you but doing that would only lead to more questions she can’t answer.

You offer her a smile instead before the two of you go back to looking at your respective phones.

Hailee resumes her story, pretending she got distracted by one of her dogs and not her lovely girlfriend. It’s practically impossible to act like she can’t see all the questions pouring in about who she was actually looking at but she manages. (It’s not like acting is her job or anything)

The questions and comments flying by her screen should be annoying or at the very least overwhelming but she ends up finding them quite entertaining. She’s not about to pretend like questions about her sexuality or who she’s dating are anything new but at least now they’re less straightforward (no pun intended) than when she was on Dickinson.

At least she's not actually trying to keep things a secret this time. She's just waiting for the right time. Although the waiting gets harder every time you look at her like she's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen. She'd be upset if she wasn't aware that's exactly how she looks at you.

She tries to keep your name out of her mouth for at least a few minutes to not look super obvious but she fails miserably. “Where’s y/n?” She reads the question out loud before she can stop herself. “I don't know, probably burning down the apartment.”

An offended gasp comes from the side of the room where you're standing and you know you're kidding yourself if you think her phone didn't pick up the sound.

The look she sends your way says as much and you mentally curse yourself. Although, to be completely honest, if there's one thing you both love more than each other it's feeding the theories about your relationship.

The both of you should definitely be more careful if you don't want to get found out but creating chaos within her fandom is just too much fun. Plus, the only reason you two are sneaking around is because Hailee wants to come out ‘the right way’. Whatever that means.

(You're pretty sure it means a song and a music video featuring you but your girlfriend has been very tight-lipped about her music since SunKissing came out. A song that very well serves as a coming out announcement in your opinion.)

You decide to fix your mistake by turning people's attention elsewhere so you open up Instagram and click on Hailee’s profile. You can hear the chuckle she tries to hold back once she reads your comment.

yourusername: are you insulting my cooking skills again, Steinfeld?

The chat explodes into a flurry of comments that a certain pair of brown eyes can't keep up with.

“I'm just telling people the truth,” she replies. “There's a reason you always order food instead of cooking.”

yourusername: yeah. you never wash the dishes

“Oh, that's low.”

She forgets the game you're playing for a second, looking up to glare at you. Her eyes don't end up meeting yours since you're too busy staring down at your phone.

A small smile spreads along her face as she admires you. Even in the middle of teasing her in front of her fans, you're the most amazing thing she's ever laid eyes on. Eyes that give away the fact that she's not home alone like she originally said she was.

She looks back at her phone just in time to catch sight of the many questions she has to avoid. Such as,”Who are you looking at? Is y/n at your place? Are you having dinner together?”

She ignores them all except the one that comes from the person who owns her heart.

yourusername: so, what are YOU cooking for dinner, chef steinfeld???

The response she comes up with is definitely a bad idea but it slips out anyway. “I don't know. What do you want for dinner?”

She tries to cover up the sound of your laugh by ‘accidentally’ kicking some of Martini’s squeaky dog toys. It's a bad coverup but it's the only choice she has. It would be a lot more believable if her dogs weren't asleep in the bedroom.

yourusername: too late, i already ordered cheeseburgers

“Marry me right now,” she replies, her smile turning into a slight smirk.

You know she's messing around but your heart still skips a couple of beats as you type out your response.

yourusername: i'll think about it ;)

The doorbell rings just in time.

You let her wrap up the Live as you pick up your food. By the time you come back, her phone is gone and she's already curled up on the couch scrolling through Netflix for something to watch.

“That was fast,” you say.

She shrugs. “Thought I should help you reconsider my proposal.”

“Food first, proposal later.” You hand the bag holding your dinner over to her.

“Seriously, y/n, could you be any more perfect?”

The laugh that escapes you is enough of an answer for her. You're everything she's ever wanted.

[safarigirlsp]

Halloween Requests Open

✨🍁🐈‍⬛🎃💛✨

✨🍁🐈‍⬛🎃💛✨

REQUESTS ARE NOW OPEN for anything related to AUTUMN and HALLOWEEN! Please read this entire post for complete information, and if you're new, please take a look at my Masterlist.

This is my general theme and what I expect to cover this season, however, feel free to send in absolutely anything! I will definitely deviate from the regularly scheduled program if I like an idea. More info and prompt lists below.

Monster Monday - Zombies, Cryptids, Mummies, Dragons, Beasties, and any Monsters not covered by another category ☠️🎃🧟‍♂️

Transfusion Tuesday - Vampires 🌙🧛🏻🌙

Werewolf Wednesday - Werewolves 🌕🐺🌕

†hursday - Demons, Devils, Exorcists, Possession, and any related themes 🔥😈🔥

Phantasm Friday - Ghosts, Ghouls, Specters, and everything else that goes bump in the night 👻🪦☠️

I Put A Spell On You Saturday - Witches, Magicians, Spells, Rituals, Occultism, and anything similar ✨🐈‍⬛✨

Sunday, Bloody Sunday - Murder, Mayhem, Slashers, Cannibals, and Serial Killers 🪓☣️🔪

I’m only writing for Mills, Flip, Jacques, and Kylo for big oneshots. I will do HC’s for anyone I have ever written for. I am open to shorter ideas for Clyde and Henry, although full disclosure, they interest me a lot less these days, so any idea would have to really pique my interest. I have a strong preference for horror, adventure, and AU's.

This is an Adults Only event. My content is not for minors, or people who are easily triggered or offended. I write mature content intended for a mature audience only.

My Official Lineup will be announced October 1.

Here are Halloween fics from previous years.

Halloween Fic Recap 2022

Halloween Fic Recap 2021

Halloween Fic Recap 2020

This is my favorite time of the year! As far as I’m concerned, Halloween runs from September 1 - November 15, if not longer! I currently have a big fic to finish up that should be done soon, but nothing else slated fic wise. After that, it’s full steam ahead for anything and everything related to Autumn and Halloween. I generally put aside other non-fic writing projects during this time to focus on Halloween content.

For the week of Halloween, October 25 - October 31, I intend to post a big daily oneshot. My stories generally range in size from 5k to 25k, and some are even more! Look for a mix of horror, humor, romance, and adventure! Everything will contain adult themes and mature content. There may be other writing throughout this time too. The quantity of stories I post depends on the length of them. In the past, I have posted a lot of shorter things, but I’ve gotten more into writing longer stories now. The last few years, I have averaged over 100k words for Halloween and Autumn content!

Please send me requests, ideas, thoughts, HCs, anything you like! I’ll pick my favorites or, very likely, a combination of a few different ideas, and I’ll write a oneshot that includes everything I can fit in. Feel free to send in multiple ideas or requests! The more ideas to choose from, the better! All AU concepts, time periods, etc are welcome. Anything is fair game. This is generally the only time of year I open requests anymore, so get them in if you ever want to. Requests will be open from now until Halloween. However, because I tend to write longer stories, the sooner an idea comes it, the more likely I am to use it.

Below the cut are some of my favorite prompt lists, but do not feel bound by them. If you do include a prompt in your request, copy and paste the prompt itself because I hate chasing them down on lists.

Edgar Allen Poe Prompts

Ballroom Prompts

Eerie Prompts

Halloween Themed Prompts

Things to do in October

Autumn Aesthetic Starters

Terrible First Meeting Starters

Magic Starters

Spooky Aesthetic Ideas

Spooky Alphabet

Sexual Tension Prompts

Spicy Prompts

XXX Prompts

Pirate Prompts

Battle Prompts

Bad Reputation Prompts

Fighting Prompts

Attacked Starters

Witch trial Prompts

Horror Movie Starters

Stupid Things to do in a Horror Movie

Horrorland Prompts

Tarot Prompts

October Writing Challenge

General Prompt Masterlist

✨🍁🐈‍⬛🎃💛✨

Tagging some witches who may interested!

@babbushka @in-silks-and-flesh-and-leather @mrs-gucci @mrs-zimmerman @iamburdened @gabesprincess @reborn-rekall @maybe-your-left @rynwritesstuff @caillea @cas-backwards-tie @candycanes19 @queeniebee @lumberjack00fantasies @mythrielofsolitude @icarusinthesea @ghoulian13 @darkhairedmenrule @reyloaddict55 @fizzywoohoo @heartlight-starlight @richbrittstein @clydesfavoritegirl @bensolodyad @thepalaceofmelanie @celiholland @durangoninetyfive @reveluving @fax4life27 @vedavan @queen-of-elves @srorgana1 @reylokisses @kyloremus @vixenofcourse @loveofaddy @kylofrk @dyaddu

All edits by the amazing @kyloremus

[endykelopaedia]

I actually deleted it because I realized you hadn't tagged it and I try to pick less fights out the aether like that for the sake of being nice and not hopping on the backs of random people. I did not notice you being Black until you've said so just now. Since you've presumably tagged me for a reason, we can go ahead and discuss the matter.

For context I had said something like:

No trans people have gendered privilege, it's just also racist when you talk about how much society loves Black trans men

Obviously, you are not racist towards Black trans men and I would not call you racist towards Black trans men knowing that you are. I'm also not going to tell you to be angry when White people do this in regards to Black people, although full disclosure I'm not going to stop calling them racist myself.

On the other hand, it's still a lot of other things besides racist to Black men. I could have just as easily referred to any other category of person whose marginalization makes it extra awful to powerjacket them because they happen to use he/him pronouns. Male privilege for trans men simply isn't a thing, just as it isn't for trans women. The idea that one can simply identify into it is weird and people don't bring up their other competing marginalization for nothing.

I dislike when people are dicks to me and then immediately get all polite when I turn out to be a trans woman rather than a trans man like they assumed. That happened just today, ironically. So to be absolutely clear, you and your opinions on transfeminism do still suck, but I made an error deserving of addressing and I apologize for it.

ig im the only one who reads the bio of people they wanna publically disagree with lmao sloppy work & still weird how bad you wanna bring race into this as a whitey. i wouldve ignored u if u didnt do that. but w/e.

still, im "powerjacketing" black trans men by asserting we have male privilege? craaazy stuff. do i rlly have to tell you - a white trans woman - how people can be privileged in some aspects and oppressed in others? (unless you think these privileges/oppressions "cancel out" in which case LMAO)

trans men arent just like, he/him women/females or w/e you wanna call us. we're men. and a lot of us live our lives that way, socially & medically, and absorb & perpetuate society's ideas about gender as a part of our self-conceptualisation. we just men! men who dont have cis privilege (n in my case white privilege) but men none the less! we gotta actually reckon with that n do work to not perpetuate the (trans)misogyny that we're capable of & can benefit from.

& dont worry. im not gonna tiptoe round the fact youre a trans women when i think youre wrong n part of a half-baked & deeply transmisogynistic movement.

[ananke-xiii]

Form and Void... Hands and Hearts.

Intro + the post before this you kinda need to read them all or it won't make a lot of sense lol

Dean and Crowley's relationship is not fun.

Full disclosure here: I have no problems in terms of shipping and having fun with the characters outside of what's canon but I personally don't see Dean's canon relationship with Crowley as "fun", it's not something that I particularly enjoy watching. Like, the actors are great etc. but the actual story makes me feel... uncomfortable. I actually find it sad that Dean's still attached to Crowley because, as much as I like him as a character, the King of Hell acts like a total predator towards Dean and this episode highlights this side of their relationship in uncomfortable ways. So be warned that things get a little ugly from here.

Let's see how food is treated in the episode: Crowley is presented as "Father Crowley" while he puts sugar in his tea and calls Dean "a rather scrumptious altar boy". The image I get from this is both that of the sugar daddy and, because of the religious references, of the scandals surrounding the Vatican and its priests (I'm trying to be as sensitive as I can but the show is really not and Crowley literally makes a reference to these events later on in the episode).

Father Crowley is a piece of shit.

He will later pull up in a van and kidnap young Amara with this line:

My, haven't you grown into a sweet young thing? Want some candy, little girl?

If we consider that Amara and Dean are connected (by the mark that's above Amara's heart and that was on Dean's right arm) Dean and Crowley's past relationship doesn't look so much fun anymore (well, it never was fun to begin with as I've written although the show did its best to make it look like it was fun with the karaoke, the cowboy hats and the sex. I mean, on paper it does look like fun if we can just forget that Dean was very much Crowley's guinea pig).

In case you were wondering, Dean and Amara are bound, guys.

Crowley here is the preacher/hunter of "The Night of the Hunter". He dresses like a priest but he's hunting for demons (yeah, I know, it's a clear reference to "The Exorcist" too). He happens to find "the child that eats the souls" and proceed to kidnap her. I mean, brrrrr.

And how does Dean feel about it? He still loves him! Poor, poor, poor Dean.

While Sam went for the heart of Poor Guy with the electrocution device, the angels went for Cas' heart (and other parts too) with the angel blades, Dean goes for Crowley's heart with Ruby's knife. Unlike Sam and the angels, he doesn't finish what he had set up to do.

Dean's knife is pointed at Crowley's heart but I'm bad at taking screenshots so this is what you get.

Instead, he pins Crowley's to the wall by stabbing his left hand (the hand of love and receiving) with an angel blade. Visually, it's quite similar (not the same, similar) thing that happened to Cas at the end of S10. It couldn't be more sexual (angels blades are the dicks, also interesting choice of weapon to stab Crowley: Cas' ghost in their relationship is ever present) and more problematic: in a heartbeat Dean goes from prey to predator.

They re-used this very explicit image in S12.

Just like Dean is bound to Amara, he's still bound to his former abuser Crowley. And, I mean, from a storytelling pov it tracks because Amara is very much Crowley's and Dean's baby ("You're very maternal, Dean"). Yeah, I can hear your "ewwww" from here knowing where they went with Dean and Amara but I didn't write the show, they did and I'm picking up the things they've put down. Anyway, Dean and Crowley's relationship will be over only once Dean's not bound to Amara anymore. Or, at least, it should be but like any love triangle writers liked to milk it unti it was dry, i.e. one of the three permadied. This is why, I think, we had the echoes of the same trite trope in S12 too and if you enjoyed it good for you. For me it was torture.

Demons would be the perfect angels. Sam too.

A SPN-related theory of mine is that demons would make perfect angels. Both demons and angels are cursed with the "I get what I want" mentality. Abbadon said it, Crowley says it again in this episode. It's a very angel-like mentality, however demons are unironically more likely to put in the effort, follow the guidelines, work behind the curtains. They would be perfect angels for Chuck.

Ironically this time, angels and demons have hardly ever gotten what they wanted (hello Castiel!). They all tend to work in a certain direction only for the result to backfire in the end or leave them dead. Which reminds of a certain character named Sam Winchester.

"Form and Void" is an episode that explicity parallels Sam to the angels and to Crowley. Sam and Crowley's parallels are my everything. Up until s8 they were quite obvious while after that they're in the story's backbone rather than clearly on screen. If you care, this is one of the reasons why Crowley and Lucifer's power struggle could've been way more interesting if they had thrown in Sam in some capacity instead of doing whatever they did with Sam in s12. *breathes and calms down*

The End (of this rambling post).

"Form and Void" foreshadows how S11 would end: dark and light becoming One. It's something that US tv shows (tended to) do a lot when they deal with Christian themes: when they're going a little over the edge and very close to blasphemy they pull a "Eastern Mysticism" card to signal that they were just kidding! In SPN they did the same thing to Jack in s15. When they deal with God they use buddhist concepts as a cop-out to avoid doing things that may upset Christian believers (and no, canon bisexual God is less of a threat than canon God's older sister who's more powerful, female-presenting and holding a huuuuge grudge or than having a world with no God, no Hell and no Heaven).

Hands and hearts are a huge motifs and they signal what the characters will be doing and/or their true intention/identity. In order to see this, though, one must pay appention to the scene shown at the very beginning of the episode, a scene from the movie "The Night of the Hunter". This specific scene tells us that what we see is the opposite of what the writers mean and that the core theme of S11 is not so much God vs The Darkness but rather love. This love, however, lies in cages protected by keys and it's secret and forbidden but, as that scene tells us, love's a-winnin'. To save the day and let Love still win we've got a giant plot-twist in the form of maternal love and the resurrection of Mary Winchester. The heart's needs are met, its wants are still unknown. You can't always get what you want... SPN really did believe that.

[friendofcars]

i've revised my trb chapter 36 notes and they've somehow expanded to ~15 pages. you can read them here (i've also pasted the text into this post under the cut). the notes don't constitute an essay or produce a coherent thesis but they're a pretty comprehensive list of observations and interpretations i drew from the chapter.

TRB chapter 36 notes (content warning for abuse)

Last updated: 230610

“’The buck stops here,’ Ronan said, pulling up the hand brake. ‘Home shit home.’” This is the first chapter where Adam and Ronan are the only main characters present- their first scene entirely alone, set in the BMW before Adam gets out. I’m thinking about a few things: how differently Ronan and Gansey talk about Adam’s trailer, his parents, his poverty, etc.; how Ronan’s flippant insults and nonchalant offers of help (despite genuine concern) are less alienating to Adam than Gansey’s more openly heartfelt concern, since it’s paired with criticism of Adam’s pride and a tendency to command rather than suggest (full disclosure- I love Gansey and understand his point of view, but it’s clear why his approach upsets Adam more, and I think Ronan, having felt smothered by Declan, is more capable of empathizing with Adam on the matter of refusing help moving out); the recurring theme of cars being a place of refuge and solace for Ronan and how he wishes Adam would stay inside the BMW (even though he knows he won’t). I didn’t verify what I’m about to say so if I remembered incorrectly please let me know, but I’m pretty sure that we see Ronan drive Adam in the BMW to the trailer park twice (in this chapter, and in TRK when Adam scries while Ronan drives [the “wrong devil” scene]). Nobody else drives Adam home (although Gansey repeatedly stops by to pick him up). Gansey is constantly bringing Adam away from the trailer, for good reason (and practical reason too- sometimes they’re just going to class). Ronan brings him back, setting Adam up to confront his life and make decisions to change it. I know someone else has written a tumblr post about Ronan putting Adam in these types of situations and it’s very insightful and I’d love to cite it here (so if you wrote it or know who did, please tell me!). But ultimately this sets up an arc that ends with Adam driving the BMW alone for a final conversation with his parents, in which he can come and go from the trailer independently and in control of his interactions with his parents- the effects of the abuse are not erased, but his character arc has such a trajectory that he’s able to get some closure on his own terms via his hard-won autonomy and healing (the BMW/Ronan has played a key role in establishing both).

“In the dark, the Parrish family’s double-wide was a dreary gray box, two windows illuminated.” The description of the double-wide has gone from pale blue in daytime to an absence of color- things are even more grim. No love, no liveliness. A strong contrast to the home from which they’ve just driven (300 Fox Way, which has a bright blue exterior). The illuminated windows seem like omens or warnings rather than beacons. “Box” implies simplicity, a lack of architecture, a constraining place, a place in which one might be trapped. I’m thinking about how the flat ceiling of a box-like trailer also contrasts with the multi-sloped attic of 300 Fox Way, perhaps symbolizing Blue’s family’s proclamation of Blue’s potential versus Adam’s family’s stifling of his talents, needs, wants, etc.

“It was a comfortable enough arrangement; Adam and Ronan weren’t in a fight at the moment, and both of them were too startled by the day’s events to start a new one.” Not that they don’t get genuinely upset with each other on page (things get heated in BLLB as the development of their relationship becomes more prominent/less subtextual), but I feel like we get told that Adam and Ronan don’t get along but they…usually…do, from our vantage point. When they do have conflict in the first book, it doesn’t seem as heavy/personally directed as when Adam and Gansey fight. I get the sense that a lot of their bickering is routine and low stakes, especially since the passage tells us that the day’s chaos and threat to Gansey’s safety has jostled them out of their typical (mundane?) arguing.

“Adam reached in the back for his messenger bag, the one gift he’d ever permitted Gansey to give him, and only because he didn’t need it.” I remember this sentence being critical to my understanding of Adam’s character the first time I read this series. Adam accepts the one gift he doesn’t need because he could get rid of it and suffer no dire consequences if the friendship ended. He wouldn’t have to rearrange his carefully made plans over a messenger bag if he wanted or needed to give it up at all. There’s no desperate gratitude or a gnawing need to pay back a debt- it’s superficial, not connected to his precarious survival, no implied reliance. There’s also something in here about a bag being used to carry things (burdens?) that I’m trying to tease out into words but haven’t yet. whoreshoecrab also made the brilliant observation that a messenger bag is more of an academic, white collar (and relatively impractical) choice of bag which I think plays into Adam’s willingness to accept something since it doesn’t highlight his desperate need for the bare necessities.

“Another silhouette, distinctly Adam’s father, had joined the first at the window. Adam’s stomach curdled.” We don’t get much information about the relationship between Mr. and Mrs. Parrish (although Adam’s later concern about leaving his father’s gun behind implies that Robert also abuses his wife), but here there’s an implication of a united front against Adam. His stomach going sour is a visceral description of his fear- how terrible to go home to danger rather than safety. This sentence reminds me of one from TDT in one of the Gray Man’s chapters: “The Gray Man’s stomach wrung itself out… His brother had never intended for him to pick up; he merely wanted this: the Gray Man stopping the car, wondering if he was supposed to return the call. Wondering if his brother was going to call back. Untangling the wired threads in his gut.” (TDT, chapter 7), both serving as descriptions of a particularly physiological, visceral fear stemming from abuse.

“He tightened his fingers around the strap of his bag, but he didn’t get out.” Tightening -> builds tension in the narration as Adam braces himself for a confrontation. I mentioned this already, but cars often serve as places of refuge in the series. Ronan goes to wait in the Camaro after his brawl with Declan in TRB chapter 7 and after Calla goes for his neck in TRB chapter 15; Adam lingers in the BMW to delay having to go home in this chapter. Adam joins Ronan in the BMW in TRK in silent solidarity as Ronan grieves.

“’Man, you don’t have to get out here,’ Ronan said. Adam didn’t comment on that; it wasn’t helpful. Instead he asked, ‘Don’t you have homework to do?’ But Ronan, as the inventor of sly remarks, was impervious to them. His smile was ruthless in the glow from the dash. ‘Yes, Parrish. I believe I do.”’ A suggestion, not an order (i.e.. You don’t have to get out here vs. don’t get out here). Adam’s arguments with Gansey are often about how Gansey views/treats Adam; Adam’s arguments with Ronan are often about how Ronan wastes the time he has, the time he could be using for school work, the time Adam wishes he had. He’s genuinely frustrated that Ronan wastes such a precious resource, but the frustration is with a behavior that doesn’t have anything to do with himself (if he doesn’t compare himself to Ronan, which is another can of worms). Adam ignores Ronan’s comment- would he have ignored such a statement from Gansey, or started to argue? Would Gansey have ever phrased it like that? We get more insight into how they interact/communicate; Adam avoids arguing over serious circumstances but is comfortable resorting to banter since he knows there’s no risk of actual offense. There’s also a microscopic bit of dramatic irony here if you’re re-reading since the outcome of the events in this chapter directly lead to Ronan doing his homework in earnest.

“He didn’t like the agitation of his father’s silhouette. But, it was unwise to loiter in the car — especially this car, an undeniably Aglionby car — flaunting his friendships.” This chapter obviously shows Adam’s father’s physically abusive nature but also demonstrates how absolute his effect on Adam is, whether or not he’s actively enacting the abuse. Adam is constantly tuned to his father’s posture and follows a set of rules designed to minimize conflict and harm to himself. For someone running so low on time and sleep, this perpetual monitoring must add an additional layer of exhaustion. There’s no place to hide- to stay safe in the BMW is to potentially worsen his father’s mood, and to go home is to put himself in the path of danger anyway. Re: it being unwise to flaunt friendships: this was also crucial to me understanding Adam and his independence/lonesomeness; because the Parrishes are poor and Adam’s friends are wealthy, and mentioning his friends (which is criticized as flaunting) threatens his father’s insecurity about their poverty, Adam is conditioned to see connection and community as shameful, as a betrayal to his roots (which he is also taught to see as shameful- there is no winning). In the context of his family, he is safer on his own (but in the context of the world, he cannot move forward alone, and this is a lesson he must learn).

“If he shows up for class,” Adam replied, “I think that the reading will be the least of his concerns.” Subtle threat/hint at Adam having zero remorse for Whelk in future chapters

“There was quiet, and then Ronan said, ‘I better go feed the bird.’ But he looked down at the gearshift instead, eyes unfocused. He said, ‘I keep thinking about what would’ve happened if Whelk had shot Gansey today.’ Adam hadn’t let himself dwell on that possibility. Every time his thoughts came close to touching on the near miss, it opened up something dark and sharp edged inside him.” Like Ronan calling Adam “man” and “Parrish,” referring to Chainsaw as “the bird” serves as an example of Ronan keeping his emotional distance, maybe as a way of giving Adam space in a tense situation, maybe to disguise Ronan’s intense emotions. Ronan engages with his concern for Gansey by obsessing over the worst case hypothetical outcomes; Adam (who is typically concerned with planning for all the possible futures) chooses to avoid thinking about such fears at all. As explained in the remainder of the passage (next section), Adam cannot fathom a life without Gansey. This is a clear reminder that Whelk is Adam’s foil, not someone on a parallel path- for Adam, harming Gansey/Gansey’s mortality is too heavy to even think about, much less plot out. Something dark and sharp edged- a hole, a grave? In BLLB when Adam figures out that Gansey is on the St. Mark’s Eve death list, the narration says, “his heart was a grave” (ough). A place to bury impending grief? Or, if you’ve read TD3, this sounds a lot like the Lace, which is to say it sounds a lot like fear and insecurity and terror and being seen and the infinite and abandonment and grief and a lot of other things I haven’t processed yet.

 “It was hard to remember what life at Aglionby had been like before Gansey. The distant memories seemed difficult, lonely, more populated with late nights where Adam sat on the steps of the double-wide, blinking tears out of his eyes and wondering why he bothered. He’d been younger then, only a little more than a year ago.” Not only is Adam currently repressing the thought of a life without Gansey, he recurringly prevents himself from crying. Adam alone at Aglionby, struggling to adapt and feeling like a fraud, with no one to believe in him but himself, is incomprehensibly sad. “Lonely” followed by “populated with” makes it seem like the late nights themselves were Adam’s only company.

“His hand worked on the steering wheel; something was frustrating him, but with Ronan, there was no telling if it was still Whelk or something else entirely. “No problem, man. See you tomorrow.” This assessment of Ronan (aside from an incidence of Ronan in motion/his kinetic way of processing emotion), in my opinion, serves to illustrate Adam’s self-perception and paradoxically egocentric and unselfish thought process (he’s self-centered in the sense that he has to prioritize his own needs to survive and is constantly worried about how he acts and feels and interacts with others and looks and on and on but is unselfish in the sense that he doesn’t consider the possibility that Ronan might be frustrated and worried about Adam himself). Ronan is reeling from grieving Noah, worrying about Gansey almost getting killed (which was a pre-existing fear, as we know from chapter 16 and the wasp encounter). And while we’re on the topic of chapter 16 and the aftermath of chapter 33, I hadn’t realized until now that Gansey’s “dual vision” when death is imminent (“Two narratives coexisted in his head. One was the real image: the wasp climbing up the wood, oblivious to his presence. The other was a false image, a possibility: the wasp whirring into the air, finding Gansey’s skin, dipping the stinger into him, Gansey’s allergy making it a deadly weapon.” And “Gansey had that same, detached feeling that he’d had in Monmouth Manufacturing, looking at the wasp. At once he saw the reality: a gun pressed against the skin above his eyebrows, so cold as to feel sharp — and also the possibility: Whelk’s finger pulling back, a bullet burrowing into his skull, death instead of finding a way to get back to Henrietta.”) is perhaps an effect of him living two lives at once, at both dying and surviving twice (but sort of at the same point at the time loop because both deaths and rebirths are temporally linked to Noah’s favor, powered by Cabeswater and the ley line). ????????????????

“With a sigh, Adam climbed out. He knocked on the top of the BMW, and Ronan pulled slowly away. Above him, the stars were brutal and clear.” Who else notably sighs? Noah, another target of physical violence. Ronan is slow, reluctant to leave. Over the next few pages (as Robert berates Adam and accuses him of lying) Ronan continues to slowly leave the driveway because Adam can still see his break lights (antithetical to a stereotypical Ronan response- speeding off recklessly). The brutal and clear stars- perhaps an acceptance of the inevitable cruelty he is walking into? Adam feels destined or cursed to suffer, maybe as if fate, is cold and uncaring. (but does he believe in fate? Evidence in TDT chapter 8 says yes, if not literal fate but a general doomed-by-your-origin/bloodline sentiment, although he also persistently rewrites his narrative and seeks autonomy in his own life, so I don’t think there’s a clear answer. If anything, if he does believe in fate, he sees it as mutable and probably something not named fate at all). I think it’s also notable that the stars are a source of calming comfort to Blue, rather than harsh and distant observers of her struggles. “The stars were brutal and clear” always reminds me of Javert’s Suicide from Les Miserables: I am reaching but I fall/ And the stars are black and cold/ As I stare into the void/ Of a world that cannot hold.

“Hi, Dad,” Adam said. “Don’t ‘hi, dad’ me,” his father replied. He was already revved up. He smelled like cigarettes, although he didn’t smoke. “Come home at midnight. Trying to hide from your lies?” Adam graciously attempts civility; Robert eschews all pretense of acting like any sort of father at all. He’s already agitated, by Adam breaking curfew (which he’s broken for good reason, though Robert doesn’t and can’t know this) or by anything else in the world- his anger is out of Adam’s control. We’ve recently learned Adam does not like to be accused of lying from his encounter with Declan (TRB, 31). The cigarette smell on an adult non-smoker is probably indicative of the company they keep- co-workers? Friends, if he has them? An affair if Adam’s mom doesn’t smoke? The midnight curfew is surely a measure of control rather than care, and is relevant to interpretation of Adam’s constant meticulously meted out aliquots of time (for school, for work, for friends, for sleep) and deep envy for/resentment of those that have time and waste it- not even his own time exists outside the shadow of his father’s fist. 

“Adam’s knees were slowly liquefying. He did his best to keep most of his Aglionby life hidden from his father, and he could think of several things about himself and his life that wouldn’t please Robert Parrish. The fact that he didn’t know precisely what had been found was agonizing. He couldn’t meet his father’s eyes.” Emphasizes Adam’s need to always be hiding, keeping secrets, protecting the truth. Ronan is also familiar with the burden of keeping secrets in the name of safety. More description of the physical impact of abuse on Adam (in addition to the actual physical abuse- here I’m referencing the physical manifestations of fear and dread). I’m really interested in Adam’s relationship to his body throughout the series (and I’d have to dig up some other notes to elaborate but his POV chapters often pay acute detail to physical sensations, he dissociates on a number of occasions, his sacrifice of his hands and eyes and ongoing struggle for autonomy on physical and psychological levels especially as the unmaker/demon gains access to his hands and eyes, his healing occurring metaphorically via ley line work/outside of his own body, being alive because he bleeds, perhaps positing his awakening in BLLB as a reintegration of his mind and body after that pivotal scrying scene, etc. I would LOVE to discuss this more but I think I to collect my thoughts or the input from someone else on which to reflect- but this is probably the foundation of a legitimate essay imo). The liquifying sensation intimates a dissolution of the body, or the loss of restrained solidity and form, an unwilling spilling out of his tightly rehearsed outward projections. And finally, not knowing what his father found = lack of control = lack of strategy to defuse the conflict and protect himself.

“Robert Parrish grabbed Adam’s collar, forcing his chin up.” This is a repeated gesture in this chapter: a proprietary, controlling action, forcing Adam to make eye contact he’s trying to evade.

“Think fast, Adam. What does he need to hear?” Adam ends up carrying the burden of resolving the abuse inflicted on him, as if it’s his responsibility and not just a deescalating survival tactic. In TRB chapter 32, Blue muses that Adam isn’t often lost for words- but here, he’s scrabbling for words (he’s too panicked for his words/intellect to cooperate). This is another example of Adam’s solution oriented nature (the mechanic, the scientist)- here is a problem; how do I solve it?

“His father drew Adam’s face a bare inch from his, so that Adam could feel the words as well as hear them. ‘You lied to your mother about how much you made.’ ‘I didn’t lie.’ “Do not look in my face and lie to me!’ his father shouted.”  This is one of the more visceral, tactile chapters in the book, with the narration appealing to sensation to convey the intensity of the conflict. The physical nature of the scene also highlights the running theme of Adam’s relationship to his body- how it’s integral to his survival but also how he bargains it away and how it betrays him, the duality of mind and body, etc. I’m remembering that in chapter 31, Adam is highly displeased to be accused by Declan of lying. And not that it really matters, but I wonder if Robert not originally realizing how much money Adam has to accumulate in order to cover the remainder of his tuition is due to a) a lie by omission or b) him simply not listening to Adam’s needs in the first place. Robert also keeps invoking Adam’s mother as she stands idly by, perhaps to emphasize that everyone is against Adam, as if Adam alone is in the wrong here. It’s also interesting that the yelling here is italicized rather than capitalized. I don’t think the books are entirely consistent about this, but I believe we see capitalized yelling from Maura, Neeve, and Jesse, at least. Because the characters’ internal monologues are also italicized, we get a visual representation of how Adam’s parents’ cruel statements worm their way into his own self-talk and therefore self-esteem, self-perception, and reflexive victim blaming (Adam later muses that he has some sort of Stockholm syndrome). The italics in external dialogue and internal monologue collectively simulate abuse survivors’ internalization of abusive rhetoric against themselves. It’s also a little impressive how quickly a knot forms in my stomach at hearing a father say the phrase “your mother.” Has anything good ever followed that phrase?

“When his father’s hand hit his cheek, it was more sound than feeling: a pop like a distant hammer hitting a nail. Adam scrambled for balance, but his foot missed the edge of the stair and his father let him fall.” I’m thinking about hands as tools used as weapons (recurring knife motif in the books, especially in TDT, and how Adam works with his hands, offers up his hands to Cabeswater and in the process the demon uses his hands to nearly kill Ronan). Previously, sound and feeling converged; here, they diverge; Adam is possibly dissociated from the violence to some extent (like a distant hammer, more sound than feeling, etc. … a hammer is also a tool that could be used as a weapon). Adam is literally scrambling for balance here (but also does so figuratively at all times and is often quite successful at maintaining his tightly orchestrated and exhausting equilibrium). The precise nature of Adam’s fall here is brutal- the hit doesn’t make him fall, but it knocks him off balance and the subsequent misstep makes him fall, which his father makes no effort to prevent- the abuse not only aggression but neglect, which is to say control in both positive and negative (not good and bad, but additive and subtractive/maliciously neutral) ways.

“When the side of Adam’s head hit the railing, it was a catastrophe of light. He was aware in a single, exploded moment of how many colors combined to make white.” The prose... The pain is absolute, infinite, world-ending. A railing is a safety feature; a parent is obligated to prioritize their child’s safety. Adam’s injury involving the railing is a testament to his parents’ failure to consider his safety at all. When Adam comes to on the ground, his face, especially his mouth, is “caked with dust” (which frequently appears when Adam expresses shame about his roots); I take the dust as a symbol for a dearth of love given that water repeatedly stands in for love and longing. It’s also a reference to Adam from the Bible being made of the earth. I think his mouth being mentioned in particular references his usual ability to talk his way out of scrutiny and concern or hold his own in arguments, but in the trailer park, his words don’t work as weapons.

“Adam had to put together the mechanics of breathing, of opening his eyes, of breathing again.” A bit of a symbolic rebirth moment, coming back to life. Similar sentiment: “a miracle of moving parts, a study in survival.” My original notes for this chapter said, “I do think this could have been revised though- ‘breathing’ is repeated but not rhythmically or frequently enough (in my opinion) to actually simulate the act of deliberately inhaling and exhaling to self-regulate.” But as I’m re-reading, I understand the choice better. It emphasizes that to live, you must breathe, and breathe again, (and this is relentless), which in turn emphasizes the labor Adam puts in to take yet another breath, to keep going (but the effort to breathe is so great that it’s impossible to consider anything past this breath and the next). Maybe it’s not meant to be a cycle but a Sisyphean climb. Adam has to choose his path forward over and over again.

In Adam’s head: “Just go, Ronan.” He thinks this as he’s rising to his feet after his head hits the railing and sees Ronan’s brake lights go on. The light (Adam indirectly associates Ronan with light multiple times in the text) should be a symbol of hope, but Adam is both too proud and too ashamed to want to hope/accept Ronan stepping in on his behalf. Is this the first time someone not-Parrish has observed the abuse first hand and not just lingering evidence of it? Ronan becoming a direct witness is a line they can’t uncross, a truth Ronan can’t un-know.

“’You’re not playing that game!’ Robert Parrish snapped. ‘I’m not going to stop talking about this just because you threw yourself on the ground. I know when you’re faking, Adam. I’m not a fool. I can’t believe you’d make this kind of money and throw it away on that damn school! All of those times you’ve heard us talking about the power bill, the phone?’” There’s just so much awful here- the victim blaming, the immediate trivialization of Adam’s injury, the devaluation of Adam’s education and opportunity for freedom, and the guilt-tripping over financial burdens a child shouldn’t have to cover, the implication that Adam is running some sort of con, etc.

“His father was far from done. Adam could see it in the way he pushed off his feet with every step down the stairs, from the coil in his body. Adam drew his elbows into his body, ducking his head, willing his ears to clear. What he needed to do was put himself in his father’s head, to imagine what he had to say to defuse this situation.” Keen observation of body language, pattern recognition, (and conscious use of empathy – understanding his father’s thoughts to protect himself). We see these behaviors from Adam in a variety of contexts outside his household; his survival tactics have become ingrained, and while they keep him safe and probably make him a better student too, what is the cost? Exhaustion, mistrust, hypervigilance, repression, isolation. Defusing the situation is what Gansey references back in chapter 7- Adam keeping things quiet.

“But he couldn’t think. His thoughts crashed explosively across the dirt in front of him, in time with the rhythm of his heart. His left ear screamed at him. It was so hot that it felt wet.” Re: previous discussion of mind/body duality, dissociation, etc. his thoughts feeling like they’re outside his body in a dynamic/describable way, the distinction between his ear and himself and the pain transmitted between them, etc. An inability to think as a critical loss given his reliance on his perceptive and intelligent nature.

“Grabbing Adam’s collar, he pulled his son up, as easy as he’d lift a dog. Adam stood, but only just. The ground was sliding away from him, and he stumbled. He had to struggle to find the words again; something was fractured inside him.” In this instant, Adam’s body is at the mercy of his father. This is from where his desperate drive for autonomy comes. Gansey fears that something essential in Adam will break- I’d posit that Gansey fears Adam’s inherent goodness or happiness or youth or curiosity or humor will be trampled beyond help; Adam’s fear of something breaking is more along the lines of his self-assumed potential to be violently angry/a threat to others being unleashed, as if his ability to choose to be good will shatter. Dog/collar – what does this evoke? Adam often laments his upbringing through metaphors about animal behavior (he feels cursed by both nurture and nature. I think this observation is in conversation with my earlier questions about Adam’s thoughts on fate). The ground slides away- the foundation of the world moves (much like the earthquake when he sacrifices himself in Cabeswater); the moment is unstable and unsafe; Adam is unsupported. Struggling for words is unusual for sharp-tongued Adam, but he’s too threatened to think as he usually does.

“’To do this,’ Ronan Lynch snarled, smashing his fist into the side of Robert Parrish’s face.” Reading about Ronan swinging at Declan from Gansey’s POV (nooooo) versus Ronan decking Adam’s dad (YES). I get the feeling that Ronan has been waiting for an excuse to do this for a rather long time. A core aspect of Ronan’s character is not hesitating to cause some damage for a cause in which he believes (especially in TD3).

“Beyond him, the BMW sat, the driver’s side door hanging open, headlights illuminating clouds of dust in the darkness.” Ronan (the BMW) being a source of light in a field of dust, taken with Adam finding the light switch in a previous chapter (29) only once Ronan appears -> Ronan as a source of light (probably more accurate to say source of energy) in Adam’s life.

“Out of his right ear, Adam heard his mother screaming at them to stop. She was holding the phone, waving the phone at Ronan like that would make him stop. There was only one person who could stop Ronan, though, and Adam’s mother didn’t have that number.” Adam’s mother has been a silent bystander while Adam’s dad screams and berates and hits Adam, letting him fall and blaming him for “theatrics,” but as soon as Ronan steps in, she yells for the violence to end. Gansey helps mediate the fight in Nino’s parking lot (TRB, 7)- but Gansey (i.e. Ronan’s impulse control) is not here. The bit about Adam’s mother futilely waving the phone of all things at Ronan is so fitting- she’s found the person perhaps most scornful of phones and telephonic communication on earth.

“Get up, Adam. He was on his hands and knees. The sky looked the same as the ground. He felt fundamentally broken. He couldn’t stand. He could only watch his friend and his father grappling a few feet away. He was eyes without a body.” without a body: dissociation from the current pain and overwhelm; foreshadowing to sacrificing his eyes (and hands) to Cabeswater. The empty, unreal sensation of incredulous “how can this actually be happening” is terrible, and he feels it here. (The sky mirroring the ground reminds me of one of my favorite concepts, probably because of the tomb/shroud quote from the Les Mis chapter about the drowning man; the motif is best summarized as “as above, so below”, which is particularly fitting for the Magician.). I can’t help but think of the sky and the ground as mirrors, reflecting one another in perpetuum like Neeve’s in the Fox Way attic, between which Persephone’s soul gets lost from her body. In “my” tv adaptation (or any visual adaptation really) I’d have Adam’s posture on the ground here (before he gets onto his knees) be the same as Persephone’s on the attic floor when she dies scrying. The fight proceeds without Adam; he has lost a say in his narrative for the time being.

“It was all just noise. What Adam needed was to be able to stand, to walk, to think, and then he could stop Ronan before something awful happened.” The cops show up incredibly quickly here, unless the fight is particularly long and/or Adam’s sense of passing time is warped. “What Adam needs” is a recurring and often tense theme in his character arc, and as usual, his needs are linked to a drive for autonomy, capability, and independent action. We get evidence of Ronan and Adam’s developing, mutual, and unspoken care for each other- the instinct to protect the other, often at the expense of their own wellbeing. Adam, while he’s already gravely injured and unbalanced, worries about something awful happening- but something awful HAS happened, has been happening.  I’ll go on a bit of a tangent here because “it was all just noise” that Adam wants to filter out reminds me of things like signal to noise ratio, electrical impulses and synapses, electricity and ley lines, and how once Adam becomes the magician, he learns to scry intentionally (metaphor- healing from, or at least understanding, dissociation) and to rewire the ley line (metaphor- rewiring his brain as he heals, eventually distinguishing Cabeswater from his father, and accepts the necessity of connecting with others to do so/accepting the dual risk and reward of love, connection, magic, etc. which are double-edged swords in this context). I’m jumping ahead here, but I think Adam’s awareness of the way in which he takes in data from his environment, synthesizes a response, and acts accordingly is always relevant. Ever the scientist and all that.

“This can’t happen. He can’t go to jail because of me.” This is one of Adam’s sacrifices – pressing charges and losing his home/a say in how and when he leaves the trailer, all to keep Ronan out of jail (and expulsion, and Declan-induced eviction from Monmouth, and self-destruction, et cetera). In some ways, this is The Big Sacrifice of the book (and the bargain with Cabeswater at the climax gives an additional magical and metaphorical layer of commentary? discussion? on how and why Adam makes sacrifices and the consequences that arise from them). There are a lot of similarities between the sacrifices. I haven’t read the latter chapter in a little while, but from memory: “he was eyes without a body” links to “I will be your hands, I will be your eyes,” both of which play into the overarching theme of Adam’s fight for bodily autonomy, dissociation and eventual reintegration of body and mind (BLLB I am alive because I bleed chapter is crucial to this), a focus on his senses and how they become unreliable as he processes the events of the first book, etc. The foundations of Adam’s world figuratively (first sacrifice) and literally (second sacrifice, with the earthquake/stampede) shift beneath his feet. In the center of the pentagram, there is no sound at all. These vestibular and auditory effects of the magical sacrifice emulate detail from the mundane counterpart, which sets up the narrative about Adam learning to distinguish between the two (Cabeswater is not the boss of you, etc.). There’s also the parallel intervention of Ronan/Cabeswater on the behalf of Adam’s safety that forces him to make decisions/confront the consequences, even though Ronan intervening catalyzes Adam’s sacrifice of his pride, autonomy, and home and Cabeswater intervenes against Whelk after Adam sacrifices himself to the forest…much to chew on here. Mirroring experiences, perhaps. I’ll also say that one thing I really appreciate in TRC is that the metaphors don’t obscure the real life experiences (like you pointed out, Adam dissociates because of his magical connection/sacrifice to Cabeswater, but also as he copes with his father’s abuse, so the metaphor enriches and further discusses rather than sanitize the effects of the abuse; another example of this is Ronan’s dreaming, at least in TDT, doesn’t supplant him being gay and the associated identity, isolation, exploration, etc. experiences- the magical counterpart to the real experience is additive, not obfuscating or censoring. [I say at least in TDT because in TD3 I think the dreaming takes on additional metaphorical meaning such as chronic illness, generational trauma, amongst other things).

“He knew he looked drunk. He needed to get himself together. Only this afternoon he’d touched Blue’s face. It had felt like anything was possible, like the world soared out in front of him. He tried to channel that sensation, but it felt apocryphal.” Concern with outward appearance- his injury is internal, so there’s no way for the cops to believe him without his or Ronan’s explanation. The assumed concussion temporarily robs Adam of his resources- clear headedness, analytical skills, etc. “He tried to channel that sensation, but it felt apocryphal” is such a painful and effective way to describe someone grasping for hope and having it slip through their fingers. Adam, whose faith is “imperfect” to start with, is further challenged here. I always think of the word “apocryphal” when I think of this chapter. The infinite (the world soaring out in front of him) previously gave him a sense of optimism, but in this chapter, the infinite mirrors (ground and sky) trap and dwarf him. Blue’s face (which is to say connection with Blue) felt like potential. I think you could interpret this chapter as the beginning of the end for Blue and Adam’s romantic relationship- the attraction and care for one another persists, but there’s a distinct shift in their interactions after this chapter that disconnects them in a way they don’t resolve until after they break up.

Adam replaying what his mother has told him previously to keep the abuse quiet: “Don’t say anything, Adam. Tell him you fell down. It really was a little your fault, wasn’t it? We’ll deal with it as a family.”  Encouraging him to keep secrets, to lie, to blame himself, to believe in the guise of a family his parents hide behind (he’s ostracized in his own home for acting “against the good of the family”). This rhetoric from his mother gets woven into his own internal monologue.

“If Adam turned his father in, everything crashed down around him. If Adam turned him in, his mother would never forgive him. If Adam turned him in, he could never come home again.” These statements are written like hypotheses. If _, then _. Scientific. Even though she’s watched him endure so much pain and violence and has done nothing to help him, he grapples with the guilt of leaving behind his mother. This moment is a crucial turning point for Adam, when he’s standing at the crossroads of two of the existing paths described in TRB chapter 15 at his reading. It’s one of several explanations of his hesitation to live somewhere safer, of why the more arduous and painful way of doing things is in some ways easier for him.

“Adam couldn’t move in with Gansey. He had done so much to make sure that when he moved out, it would be on his own terms. Not Robert Parrish’s. Not Richard Gansey’s. On Adam Parrish’s terms, or not at all.” Full names invite the reader to consider [confront?] these characters as complete and distinguishable entities -> what defines each character/what is intrinsic to each?, how can you distinguish their own goals and personal ethos? If Adam succeeds in the world, he can claim all credit. If he fails, he resigns himself to shoulder the blame alone without the messy implications of shared culpability. He doesn’t see anything as worth doing if he can’t do it independently in the way he’s meticulously determined to be optimal, in the way that keeps his pride most intact.

“Adam touched his left ear. The skin was hot and painful, and without his hearing to tell him when his finger was close to his ear cavity, his touch felt imaginary. The whine in the ear had subsided and now there was … nothing. There was nothing at all.” The loss of his hearing is representative of greater loss- of literal (vestibular) and figurative balance (oh by the way do you know what requires good balance…riding a bike), of the ability to observe the world in the precise way in which he observed it before, the curse of an invisible injury he must explain by telling rather than showing as well as the unquantifiable psychological impact of surviving abuse, etc. Adam feels that he has nothing after losing not just half of his hearing but his home, even if said home is dangerous, the opposite of a sanctuary. He ends up at St. Agnes, which he thinks of as “Adam Parrish’s nothing,” something visually unimpressive but valuable in the way that it is his alone, untainted by the authority of others. I’m thinking about “Gansey. That’s all there is.” versus “There was nothing at all.” and how their experiences are so heavily shaped by their families and the associated expectations based on their upbringings and how they worry that others perceive them as their origins rather than their actions. “His touch felt imaginary” echoes the sentiment of Blue’s touch feeling apocryphal; the abuse disconnects Adam from others and from himself.

“Ronan was defending me.” Adam’s mouth was dry as the dirt around them. The officer’s expression focused on him as he went on. “From my father. All this … is from him. My face and my …” A couple observations: Adam breaking his “keeping things quiet” habit to the cops; Ronan has already begun to make him loud. It might just be a function of his injured state but I think Adam referring to Ronan as Ronan, as if anyone would automatically know his name, posits Ronan as some essential figure in Adam’s life (although to be completely fair there are few enough people in this scene to make it obvious to whom Adam’s referring- but I do think the word choice is deliberate, especially since he doesn’t use Lynch, which to an outsider might imply more distance between them). The dirt/dust motif returns as he thinks of his father/his origins; his dry mouth indicates the strain of making this sacrificial confession. And finally, the double entendre of “All this.. is from him. My face and my…” to mean the immediate state of Adam’s injuries but also his pervasive concern that he has inherited his father’s violence and cruelty. We know that Adam resembles his mother more (at least facially), but these books are about mirrors (and Adam looks into them frequently, literally and figuratively), and he’s most concerned about seeing his father looking back at him.

“His mother was staring at him. He closed his eyes. He couldn’t look at her and say it. Even with his eyes closed, he felt like he was falling, like the horizon pitched, like his head tilted. Adam had the sick feeling that his father had managed to knock something crucial askew. And then he said what he couldn’t say before. He asked, ‘Can I … can I press charges?’” To make this decision is to completely disrupt his carefully planned life; he’s falling into a version of his life he wasn’t prepared to live in yet. Adam’s fear about being permanently altered echoes Gansey’s fears about Adam. I think, on a less central note, his view of Ronan is also knocked askew after this incident (him using violence on behalf of someone other than himself). I’ve been musing on the decision to mention his mother one last time at the end of the chapter, and I think it’s to emphasize the complexity of Adam’s decision (and that he’s considering the repercussions of leaving his mother alone in the trailer with Robert. I think the fact that she doesn’t have a canon first name indicates that she also lacks power and autonomy in the household, or will especially lack such things once Adam leaves).

I think it’s significant that we never see inside the Parrish house- the violence we see on page happens outside. The audacity of Adam’s father to yell at him and assault him on their front steps for anyone to see is…really something. Even in his own POV chapters, which are quite introspective and descriptive, Adam doesn’t let us in to the extent of his life at home (from a meta standpoint, this makes sense- it’s just as effective and less exploitative to characterize the extent and impact of abuse through Adam’s self-image and relationships and behaviors rather than saturating the text with repetitive, gratuitous, and graphic sequences of abuse). And while I’m dancing around the subject of private vs public spheres, I am very interested in discussing Adam in terms of unheimlich/the uncanny and I’m hesitant to do so because so much of it will come from Freud’s essay on the uncanny and with that comes all sorts of cans of worms but there’s something about the domestic vs public spheres and in the home and out of the home (stemming from the etymology of heimlich and unheimlich) and homelessness and Adam’s uncanniness and strangeness (both as in odd and as in foreign/estranged). Freud’s essay even talks about the loss of eyes as a castration metaphor in a different work that I’m forgetting at the moment, but even if we exchange castration for loss of autonomy (which might be a misinterpretation of the text but I’m still percolating), it works so well with I will be your eyes/the demon taking over Adam’s eyes/his visions that begin in TDT chapter 8/the blindfold on Adam and the figure on the two of swords and eight of swords cards, etc. (A lot of associated themes work for Ronan too- the intentional use of the word strange at the beginning of The Dream Thieves and the Lynch brothers’ estrangement from the Barns and Ronan dreaming about going home and him existing of and between two worlds and how these two uncanny and strange characters find themselves in these weird, isolating social valleys and seek a sense of home with from other…) anyway this is hopefully an actual essay I will write someday, but it will require a good amount of reading outside the series.

I did a final read-through of the chapter after I revised my notes to see if I missed anything (and of course I did) and I did want to highlight the switch from “his father” to “Parrish” when Adam describes the brawl that ensues when Ronan hits his dad, which I think serves the purpose reminding us how Adam separates himself from violence as a dissociative coping mechanism, how Ronan’s intervention grants Adam some distance from the situation, etc. but also how Adam views the Parrish name- violent, on the ground, in the dust. I also forgot to consider the purpose of flashing back to Gansey right before Adam makes his sacrifice (to press charges, to keep Ronan out of jail): You won’t leave because of your pride? We’re given a clear example of the circumstances necessary for Adam to give up said pride (it would be reductive but not incorrect to say the circumstances = Ronan).

[e-dubbc11]

Thank You for 400!!

Celebration Anyone?

Pic isn’t mine. Found it on Pinterest.

Greetings lovelies from my little blog!

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who follows me, comments and reblogs my fics, throws a ♥️ at anything I post/write or sends a tag game my way.

To my pocket friends that I chat with on the regular and sometimes not so regular, you always bring a smile to my face when I see your messages.

I know interaction has been down here in the Tumblr-verse lately but I’ve decided to do a celebration anyway. I hope you’ll come say hello and drop something in my inbox ♥️

I don’t really have a name or a theme for this celebration so I’ll just say thank you again and the rules will be under the cut.

This isn’t limited to my followers, although I would love it if you did.

My two muses I write for are Matt Murdock and Billy Russo, although there are a few characters that I wouldn’t mind trying to write for ( Dean Winchester, Donald Pierce, Quinn McKenna, Brock Rumlow, but I’m really scared to. Maybe I just need a nudge 🤣

Send in as many as you’d like

Fuck, Marry, Kiss (or Kill if you wanna make it interesting) I’ll do characters from the following…

MCU

Supernatural

Netflix Series ( DD, Punisher, Defenders)

Boyd Holbrook characters

Ben Barnes characters

Fall Activity Moodboard 🍁🍂🎃👻🍺

It’s getting to be my favorite time of the year in my neck of the woods. I love everything about autumn. This one is for mutuals only OR if you have ever reblogged and commented on any of my fics.

Send in any character with a fall activity (apple picking, Halloween related, cider tasting, etc.) and I’ll make a moodboard for you

Song Lyric Prompt

Full disclosure, I am not a new music girl. I probably stopped listening to newer music around 10 years ago. But I love anything from the 80’s thru early 2010’s. (I love older music too from the 60’s and 70’s)

Send me a character and a song lyric (from those time periods) and I’ll see what it inspires me to write

Miscellaneous

Send me a character plus a fluffy or smexy gif and I can try to write a drabble/fic based off of that gif

Pick a scene from a fic of mine and I’ll write it from the other person’s POV.

Prompt Lists

I’ll leave some prompt/dialogue lists below and if something strikes your fancy, send it on over with one of my muses (or challenge me with a new one from the above list) and I’ll see what I can do with it. Or if you have one in mind not on these lists, that’s absolutely fine also.

Confessions of Feelings

Kiss Prompts

Hurt/Comfort Dialogue/Prompts

Random Dialogue Prompts

Autumn/Fall Dialogue/Scenarios

I’ll keep this open until September 16 CLOSED

Again, thank you all for following me, for commenting on my fics, just all of the things! Nothing goes unnoticed, I promise you ♥️ Everyone’s support means a lot to me and I hope you continue to like the content I put out. ♥️

Tagging some of my lovelies that always cheer me on and hug me from afar whenever I need it, thank you again!

@mindidjarin @saintmurd0ck @munsonownsmyass @ilovewhiteroses @ruflirtingwithme @russosafehaven @qu1etwolf @kayhi808 @k-marzolf @wheresthesunshinesblog @danzer8705 @snowkestrel @fictional-hooman @itwasthereaminuteago @fluffyprettykitty @mattmurdocksscars @theradioactivespidergwen @skvatnavle @imagine-a-fictional-boyfriend @music-indie-tv @idaofinfinity @vaguekayla @pedrito-friskito @wint3r-h3art @freshabogados @gijos @nutmeg17 @jvanilly

[void-of-unparalled-chaos]

This whole civil war on reading vs not reading comics is baffling to me. Like honestly this whole arguement is stupid.

Full disclosure before people come after me: I am a comic reader! I love reading comics (although I havent been able to read nearly as many as I would like)

Anyway yeah my whole 2 cents on this.

On one hand, I get why avid comic readers are annoyed. You're favorite character being what you perceive as wildly misinterpreted and being unable to find the content you want is annoying. But also it's so easy to just... click off? Like no one is forcing you to read it, just go find a different work instead of complaing to the author or whatever.

Also, comic characters have been written and rewritten by so many people and have had so many changes to their storylines and personality that a lot of stuff being argued as "not canon" very likely could have been at some point! And that's not even talking about other media like shows and movies.

The first example that comes to mind is Superboy (Conner "Kon" Kent). Comic Kon and Young Justice Cartoon Kon are drastically different in both personality and appearance. Comic Kon is the most bisexual coded person I've ever seen and Cartoon Kon is a grumpy asshole who looks like he stepped straight out of bootcamp. But guess what? Regardless of which one you like most both are canon in DC!

As far as I'm concerned, comic timelines and characters are a mess with or without other media types and we should be allowed to pick and choose whatever traits we want from it. Do I want Kon to have bisexual hair? Yes! Am I ignoring that Batman beats his kids in some runs? Also yes!

And because I saw a few complaints like these once before I'm going to address them.

"Character A can't be into this. It only happened like 1 time in the comics!"

Yeah but it happened. If people want to take that little hint of a trait and expand on it then power to them!

"Character A never actually had this role or did this so stop writing them like that!"

It's called a headcanon or an AU. This may be surprising to you, but both of these are common in fandom spaces. If that headcanon or AU is popular it's because people obviously like it. That person may not be you, and that's fine too! Just let them have their fun and leave to read something else.

And I'm not claiming to be innocent in all this btw! Lord knows I get loud and angry about many MCU fans' interpretation of Jake Lockley from Moon Knight. That being said, the reason I'm loud and angry isn't just "oh they made him less friendly and changed some personality traits". Its the fact that they interpret him as an "evil" alter which perpetuates hateful stereotypes about a very real and very stigmatized disorder with very little decent representation. The whole "Jake is an evil bloodthirsty alter" spreads those fearmongering ideas and has the potential to harm actual systems in the long run whether it's intended to or not. Disclaimer: I am not a system, but I do try my best to listen to what they have to say. By all means listen to their opinions on the situation over mine.

Even so, I don't go and yell directly at those creators. I click off. I don't have to read or look at their stuff if I don't want to.

Another complaint from comic readers I see a lot is "oh but it's so easy for them to just pick up a comic and read it! They are just being lazy/stubborn/etc." And honestly...

It's really not!

It took me YEARS to start reading comics because it was so overwhelming and I had no one to help me. Keeping track of all the comic runs is hard enough let alone actually finding and reading them. Comics are simply not well organized and it's hard to find a part to jump into when so many of them rely on prior knowledge.

"Well ask somebody who works at a comic bookstore!"

I did. He had no answers for me and looked like he would rather be talking to literally anyone else instead of a clueless 15 year old girl. Stepping into spaces like that can be intimidating in itself for a variety of reasons, let alone trying to ask for help. Online it's not always much better. So many people won't give an honest recommendation and others won't be specific enough. Many comic runs have similar titles, and honestly it's best if you just know the name of the writer.

Trying to break into comics is just genuinely difficult for a lot of people depending on their situations whether it be enviornmental, financial, or mental.

Also you can't just force someone to read the comics! If they don't want to and just want to watch the shows or absorb fanon content then that's their preference! You don't have to interact with it! Am I saying that no one should read comics? No! But I am saying that not everyone has the same accessibility and the way some comic readers treat these people isn't doing favors. Attacking them over stuff and getting annoyed at them isn't going to encourage them to pick up a comic and read it but rather push them away from something really fun.

Okay now that's out of the way, time for me to turn my sights on the "not reading" camp.

You can't just attack people for suggesting canonical content under your prompts. Unless they are being a dick about it. Then you can go ham. But if someone is coming in like "hey btw A is a thing that happens canonically and it might be fun to do!" then there is no reason for you to act like they just ate your baby!

It is also not completely unreasonable for someone to simply suggest that you try out a comic or two (provided that they are being polite and are actually willing to help you with clear reccomendations). There is no reason for you to get pissy at them, just as it is not a requirement for you to take up their advice. If you don't want to read it or can't currently that's fine, but just know that you have the potential to be introduced to something you really enjoy and that consuming canon content will more than likely help you with your writing!

[dailycharacteroption]

Races Among the Stars 8: Haan

When we think of Bretheda’s many sapient species, one probably thinks of either the barathu or one of the many beings populating it’s numerous moons.

However, it’s easy to overlook that there is another species sharing the skies with everyone’s favorite form-altering jellyfish. I speak of course of the arthropoid haan, who sail through the skies of the gas giant on woven silk balloons! With these flotation devices and silken sails, haan can be shockingly agile in the air in their hunt for prey.

Although just as intelligent as other sapient species, the majority of haan society is extremely traditionalist, eschewing all but the simplest tools and weapons to hunt and roam the clouds of their homeworld as they have for millenia.

However, there are plenty of haan that leave their home to travel the stars and interact with other species across the galaxy, where they find their intuitive understanding of aeronautics gives them an edge as pilots.

This does come with a major drawback, as those who leave Bretheda are effectively exiled from their people, and written off as dead by their own families, unable to return. There is talk of these exiled haan creating a new colony home on a different gas giant, far from those traditionalist values, but most fear the upset that would be caused if they try recruiting directly from their kin still living on Bretheda.

Full disclosure, the appearance of the haan in their natural habitat versus the one wearing space armor… they almost look like different creatures. The haan native doesn’t look like it should be able to stand upright… Ah, but that’s just me.

In any case, haan resemble eight foot long, four-limbed arthropods with impressive mandible-like pedipalps near their mouths. They sport many barbs and bristles on their exoskeleton, which can be safely trimmed and groomed, fulfilling much the same role as hair does on mammalian species. They also possess silk glands which are equipped to create hollow balloons filled with light gasses from their internal stores to float themselves or whatever they attach them to in the air. Additionally, striking surfaces on their legs also allow them to ignite these gasses, making them an effective weapon as well.

As mentioned above, traditional haan society is very traditionalist and insular, eschewing many modern wonders in favor of retaining the hunter-gatherer society of their ancient past. While this is perfectly fine and viable, it does alienate and disown those haan who choose to join the wider galaxy, leaving them to struggle with their own cultural identity.

Strong and surprisingly agile despite their bulk, the haan’s focus on tradition over innovation has left most unused to exploring new ideas.

Their ability to ignite their own gasses allows them to have a strong weapon against multiple foes in an emergency.

While traditionalist haan are able to outright fly with their balloons and sails (not to mention sneak balloons onto foes to disrupt them), adventuring haan rarely do so, though they can reflexively craft a balloon on the fly to slow their fall in an emergency.

With their strength and dex, haan can excel in any combat role, favoring everything from soldier to evolutionist, solarian, vanguard, and even nanocyte. Outside of that, their dex bonus is also very useful for operative and even precog as well. Their weakness to intelligence does mean that mechanic and technomancer are hard picks for them, but they can get around this, as well as tap into non-intelligence options such as intuitive biohackers, mystics, and witchwarpers.

That does it for today, but I hope you enjoyed these floaty bugs. Tomorrow we’ll look into one of the new species from the Ports of Call book!

[fearowkenya]

Digimon Survive Week: Day 4 - Supporting Characters

Winds of Change - Chapter 8: Winds of Change - Part Two

“Yes, you screwed up in the waterway. Yes, shit’s dire right now.” Dracmon tells Shuuji. “Yes, it’s true that everything I’ve learned from the past is screaming that we’re fucked, that Lopmon’s memories are as good as gone. But the past doesn’t dictate the future, and it certainly doesn’t take into account what you’re doing right now, or that every single thing you’ve done since the second this egg landed in your arms has been for Lopmon’s sake. The strength of that resolve could very well change his fate—just look how much it’s already changed you!”

The answers to Shuuji's questions are disheartening at best, and he feels worse than ever about what happened in the waterway. Thankfully, Dracmon is around to remind him that although he cannot change the past, he's more than capable of changing the future.

As usual, ao3 link in source, extended author's notes below!

ok yeah maybe it's a stretch to spin the @surviveweek prompt "supporting characters" into "characters that are supportive (: " rather than "secondary characters", but i had been planning on doing this before The Dracmon Chapter was split into what is now chapters 7 and 8. I couldn't pick a (canon) secondary character i was interested in enough to dedicate art or fic to, and what i'd originally been planning for this prompt could also work for one of the others. i probably could have also used this chapter for the "future" prompt later this week, but i have other ideas for that one. so here we are!

i love the scenes scattered around the game where takuma is desperately trying to play charades with kunemon. he has no idea what that little guy is saying at all, and even if the player picks an answer that takuma seems confident in, we'll never really know! i think that's great. kew!

editing this chapter was pretty quick since i'd already gotten through most of it before i decided to split the dracmon section into to parts. that said, i did spend so much time rereading it that i ended up worrying that this chapter wasn't exciting enough. you know how it is. speaking of editing, i really cannot estimate when chapter 9 will be out. it's the last one, and when i gave it a once-over earlier i spotted a lot of things that i want to fine-tune. so we'll see! thank you for your patience - i hope getting two chapters in one week makes up for it a little.

"mattie can you elaborate on dracmon's fresh and spicy mysterious backstory??" no (:

i can elaborate on why i picked dracmon for this conversation though! in part5, it really stuck out to me that dracmon was the one to pull takuma aside to be like "hey you gotta keep an eye on shuuji , somethings fucked". im pretty sure he did it TWICE! there's also a point where kaito is watching shuuji freaking out in the waterway and asks dracmon smth to the effect of "isn't there something we can do?" and dracmon being like "not really no ): ", so it seems like the entire situation was weighing on both kaito and dracmon more than they made it seem. i thought it would be nice to give dracmon the chance to talk to shuuji after it was all said and done and see for himself that he's okay now. as for kaito…? well, we'll see. as for the lore, i'd already started using dracmon to explore the effects of repeated death and regeneration on the memory of digimon in ocean wave, so it was convenient to keep using the same character. also he's my favorite.

so full disclosure i did play a character (a terriermon named nova) in a digimon ttrpg that has a bad evolution and then loses his memories. nova's memory loss was probably a touch more intentional than lopmon's potential memory loss, and his bad evo wasn't a result of something his partner did , but a choice he made for himself. it's been a lot of fun exploring how it happens for lopmon, because it's the same flavor of angst as what happened with nova, but both the context and fallout are pretty different.

lastly, i really do think that if the waterway hadn't happened, kaito's trust issues, minoru's paranoia, and saki's fear would have eventually come up anyway. it manifested as mistrust toward their partners because of what happened with lopmon, but maybe in an alternate truthful part6 where wendimon doesn't happen, we get the library back and the Horrors are unleashed upon them there instead. would've LOVED to know what kaito's were, but i dont think it's ever touched upon other than kaito showing up to the kenzoku fight like "hey what the fuck was that." i know minoru definitely had a library scene but i dont remember what it was, but he was hiding under a desk for a bit??? and then i think saki mmmmight have one in harmony and in moral but i cannot for the life of me remember what they were. i digress.

i hope you enjoyed the end of The Dracmon Interlude! thanks for reading (:

[mousyjay]

EPHEMERAL - Fantasy on Dark

This is another game I would play for free in high school. I had it on my phone, and it would let you do one chapter a day. I played all but one route, so on this replay as an adult only one story will be new.

As someone who’s always loved monsters, Halloween and things like that, this games whole vibe really drew me in. It’s a fun monster academy type game, and each of the routes are very different from each other since each love interest is so unique.

One thing that is a little frustrating, but sometimes leads to funny situations is the Main Character you play as is very dumb and sheltered. She picks up on nothing, is super oblivious, and sees nothing coming, even when you as a reader do. She’s also a zombie, which I think is pretty unique from games I’ve played.

Shiba

Shiba was the first route I did in high school and so I started with his again. I didn’t remember everything about this route, but as I played through a lot of it came back to me.

Shiba is so fun. He’s a tsundere werewolf, who’s super kind as well as being kind of dumb. The fact he’s dumb I think is actually a positive because as I said before, the main character is also dumb, so they are really just two idiots in love.

His route made me actually laugh a few times, and is genuinely so fun to play through. His first story I would say is more fun than the second story. The second story has some fun and funny parts, but other parts are so frustrating to read (at least for me).

Overall I love the dumb golden retriever werewolf boyfriend. Shiba is so fun, and his route is probably the best to start with (although there is no real play order).

Natsume

I didn’t play Natsume’s route in high school, so his is the only one for this game that was totally new to me. Although, I did know some stuff going in because my brother actually played his route when I showed him the game back then.

At first I wasn’t sure about Natsume. In most other routes I remember him being not very talkative and sometimes rude. But in his route it’s kind of a roller coaster. Full disclosure he is 100% a yandere, super possessive, super jealous, and he can be pretty mean towards the main character. He often belittles her and mocks her for being dumb (which to be fair she is, but that doesn’t make it right).

His main story is a very hot and cold relationship, where at times he’s super mean, and other times he’s super sweet, and there is little rhyme and reason to his behavior. His route also has way more monster race discrimination than was in Shiba’s route. Natsume’s route is also pretty dark when it comes to themes.

His second story I honestly liked way more than Shiba’s. It has so much interesting plot developments and big revelations. Plus Natsume, while still being a yandere, isn’t super mean to the main character so it was way more pleasant to read.

Overall, I wasn’t sure about him at first. But after finishing everything, I think I enjoyed the plot points and story way more in Natsume’s route than Shiba’s. It was so fun and interesting, and had less parts that made me frustrated or mad. But if you don’t like yandere or overly possessive love interests you probably will hate it, because that’s most of what his route is.

Ray

I’ve mentioned I’ve played Ray’s route before, but I can’t remember if he was the second or last I played in this game the first time. But I remember liking his route.

Ray is arrogant/egotistical and also very possessive. He often talks to the main character as something he owns rather than a person. He can also be quite cold and mean, he often calls the main character dumb, although he also admits the fact she’s dumb and therefore very obvious about her thoughts and feelings, is why he likes her so I don’t know. If you don’t like those traits you probably won’t like his route much. However, I’ve always had a thing for vampires, so obviously I’m going to love him, plus based on other characters I like, the possessive and slightly cold thing isn’t a dealbreaker for me.

As far as his first story goes, I’m unsure if he’s actually not that bad compared to Natsume or if I’m just biased because he’s a vampire. I want to lean into it’s not that bad. He’s not super mean, he just thinks way to highly of himself and is used to treating people as objects (which isn’t good, but because of his high rank many people gladly allowed this behavior). So it’s kind of understandable why he is the way he is. And I also think it’s pretty obvious when he starts to actually care about and love the main girl, even if he doesn’t always show it in the most conventional ways. His route is pretty good, with a little bit of the monster race politics playing into it.

His second story is pretty good too, although it is a tad frustrating. It deals a lot with doubt and insecurity which isn’t always the most fun. But he is clearly in love with the main character, and the ending is honestly my favorite vampire ending. I feel like it’s very different from other vampire romances, and the ending is so beautiful and unique in my opinion.

Overall, I don’t have as much to say, I really like his route but I’m not sure if it’s my favorite. I think I liked this route more when I was younger, but it was still enjoyable now. My love for vampires could be skewing my opinion though. But I think if you like vampires and want a unique vampire love story, and don’t mind a possessive and arrogant love interest, you’ll probably like it.

Nagi

Oh, sweet Nagi. He just might be my favorite, it’s hard because I love all of them uniquely, but Nagi I’d probably say is my favorite. He’s a sweet, shy, insecure, and emotional invisible man. He’s so sweet and his route feels very unique. He’s a good student, he’s so kind and caring to the main character, which is refreshing since he’s the only smart love interest that doesn’t belittle the main character for being dumb. He frequently helps her with school, and they both make each other better.

The main story is very sweet. They have good chemistry together, and I feel have the most open, honest, and venerable relationship out of all of them. This route does have some monster race discrimination as both invisible men and zombies are very low ranks. This route also addresses some of the overall big plot questions brought up in the prologue and other routes, similar to Natsume’s.

The second story is pretty cute, and is fairly different from the other three, as to not spoil too much, I’ll just say one thing that happens in the other three doesn’t at all in this one. The ending is also super sweet.

It’s hard not to love this route because I love Nagi, they have such a loving and healthy relationship for a monster romance, or heck even for an otome romance. Another reason I love Nagi’s route is his has the most scenes from his perspective, which I love it when we see from the love interest’s perspective. I also think his jealousy and possessiveness is the most normal and true to real life, so it is very sweet. I absolutely love him and his route so much!

Overall

As I’ve said, I have a soft spot for this game. It has the nostalgia factor for me, plus it has many tropes and things I absolutely love in any romance or otome. When I originally played it was on the phone and spaced out. But playing it now was the first time I played a otome game that wasn’t mobile. I played it on my switch and could binge it with full voice acting, music, and sound effects. It was such a new experience for me.

The voice acting was great, I love how many voices they had and everyone did such a great job too. Plus the music is so fun, it really puts you in a Halloween mood, so I feel it would be fun to play in October.

The world building and lore is also pretty great, the game sets a lot of things up, and each route is fairly different and answers different questions and such.

On the negative side, the translation to English wasn’t always correct, I never had a hard time reading or understanding it, but it’s definitely noticeable. It’s also fairly short, one story is 11 parts long, and you can finish it in one and a half hours. So with four routes and two stories per route that’s only around 12 hours of play time. I’m not saying this is bad, but it feels a lot shorter than other otome games I’ve played. Also sometimes the pacing is kind of all over the place, and doesn’t always flow well. This is probably because of how short the stories are.

But, all in all, I really liked playing this again. I know it’s not for everyone, I’ve seen other blogs only give it a 5/10 ranking, and I can see where they are coming from. But I think if you can get the game on sale, you should. I don’t think I could justify paying full price, but if you find a big sale (like I got it at 49% off) it’s worth it. Especially since it’s a pretty fun and quick otome game. I think it’s a good game for those who love monsters and want a fairly quick otome to play during the spooky season. I love it, and it will always have a little place in my heart.

[crystalelemental]

As usual, here's the Gauntlet sweep, with some discussion of Variety Lorelei's performance.

General Overview For full disclosure, all of this is 1/5 Lorelei.  I put in the 7500 gems, and am not yet ready to hand her candy, although I will admit, candy would change her entire life by miles.  Hilariously, not for any of the reasons I suspected.

The CS clear indicated something critical to me: Variety Lorelei functions best when she's completing the setup, not doing all of it.  MPRs are not her friend, because she needs to be attacking to heal.  MPR on her trainer move in particular does very little, and double Endurance would require her to hold off on using it until later, which rarely comes into play.  This maintains.  However, the more interesting angle is that under no composition was I going man.  I sure wish Lorelei could debuff defense right now.  Instead, the concern was usual "Oh god I sure hope this heals like three times, and recharges all five gauges."

Lorelei is slow as shit and her base healing is wildly inconsistent despite okay odds.  Inconsistency in these two factors means that she feels like she most wants the consistent aspects of First Aid 4 and Fleet Feet, to solve her tendency to get run over and inability to sustain gauge in Gauntlet.  Punishing Strike, even aside from its inconsistency, is just...not what she most wants.  No team was struggling because of lack of defense drops; they struggled because Lorelei can't heal them, and can't sustain herself.  Barring one comp, it's not the optimal pick.  First Aid/Healthy Healing/Fleet Feet is.  Trainer Move MPR can be used, but it should only be when your ally cannot buff crit rate at all.  Having Vigilance on grid would also have been massive, because it's the biggest distinguishing feature from Bruno.  Status Immunity or Head Start changes a ton for Lorelei.

Basically, Lorelei in CS doesn't get much time to attack, and is really there for a quick three-turn rotation. MPR on X Atk All is nice just for Fleet Feet boosts, but is otherwise non-essential. Lorelei in Gauntlet really craves consistent healing and gauge control, and the defense drops do not at all feel like her best trait.

Vs. Tapu Bulu I decided to bring Nate, as someone who can buff himself to cap but is in need of help.  Tech Kangaskhan helps out with defense drops and flinch rate.  As you can tell from the HP, the team handles it fine.  Lorelei is surprisingly good against Bulu, thanks to her high defense, ability to heal, and most importantly, Protect against Wood Hammer.  A few well-timed flinches can go a long way.  Nate, as usual, is not too impressive.  I want him to have help, because they all deserve it, but if it's much better than Caitlin's I'm gonna be mad.

Vs. Uxie This is the dumbest one.  Initially, I tried with Halloween Morty.  The reason for this is, base Morty's main attack is special, and his sync involves boosted evasion.  Which means he has to use his trainer move repeatedly anyway, and Lorelei isn't saving time.  But physical ghosts are rare, so my only other options were Acerola (no), or Halloween Morty.  And H!Morty at 1/5 was not doing it.  A large part of the issue is constant healing and the pressure of MP.  If Uxie isn't burned (bar 2), you don't regenerate MP, and Morty literally cannot harm the opponent.  Which sucks, and is game-ruining.  So, back to base Morty.  Who is a lot better, even if it's sub-optimal.  This is the only instance where Lorelei's defense debuffs would have been nice.

Vs. Azelf Bug is another pretty bad type to play with Lorelei.  Noland and Guzma are both options that appreciate the boost, but their sync nukes aren't exactly spectacular, and Azelf is fast-acting, so the entire team relies on sleep chaining anyway.  Which I always feel is a bit less...useful.  Agatha was chosen for the speed buffing, which...this team is slow.  It's a problem.

Vs. Latios Apparently it's a base Iris kinda day.  Iris actually does pretty well against Latios' fight, taking down the sides with some ease, and trucking Latios itself.  I brought Wulfric for some disruption.  His sync on the last bar dealt like 9k.  It was super sad.  I tried to get an Avalanche in to see his DPS, and Iris killed it before he could.  So...oops, I guess.

Vs. Moltres I tried this with someone like Cynthia and it wasn't really working.  The timing is atrocious.  So instead, we have to do this with good old flinch under Sun.  Roark rules, and Whitney has enough speed to actually handle the gauge.  That said, if we could get Fleet Feet on Lorelei, this would've been even stronger.

Vs. Regirock Another Whitney combo.  Gloria has Sharp Entry and Fierce Entry 2, meaning Lorelei perfectly caps her needs.  Gloria's damage output is tremendous for this fight; her grid expansion at 4/5 really did significantly bolster her damage.  That said, flinch is still necessary, and gauges are a rough time with Gloria, so Whitney and her speed buffs are ideal.

Vs. Terrakion Courtney is a solid partner to V!Lorelei, as Lorelei provides literally every stat boost that Courtney needs with minimal issue.  The problem is gauge.  Again.  Pep Rally.  Janine was brought along because I'm so very tired of flinch, and the Venom Drench approach seemed sound.  Unfortunately, Terrakion still hits like a truck, and Lorelei dropped.  Because 1/5 and no consistent healing.  You get the idea.

Vs. Cobalion This was, by far, the scariest, and the most easily fixed by Lorelei having better options.  Poison Jab is a non-issue with Status Immunity.  First Aid 4 alone would've kept her from dropping so early.  No problems would exist if she had this.  Anyway.  Silver's another solid pick, because she can cap out the needed offenses for him, conserving his second trainer move for an SEUN application in Bar 2 to avoid full burn immunity.  I mean.  Obviously it didn't turn out that way.  But you know.  Thought that counts.

Vs. Latias Champion Iris is another one of those fantastic, almost ideal picks to partner with Lorelei.  One use of her trainer move is +2 Atk/+1 crit, which is exactly what Lorelei supplements to cap.  This was also the funniest run I've ever had, because Iris just kept OHKOing Latias on sync, while Kangaskhan flinched the sides.

Vs. Entei Lodge Silver is another ideal partner to Lorelei, needing her exact buffing kit to succeed.  Tech Lickitung is also a great partner, thanks to Screech debuffs and the Trap condition to set up Interference Sync 5.  There's nothing particularly special about this clear, but I think Silver does well with Lorelei, and this is one of the instances where Lickitung could've been swapped for any Confuse/Trap pair, and Lorelei's defense debuffing could have been useful.

Vs. Tornadus And finally, Tornadus.  I hate this fight.  I initially thought about BP Sophocles, but Wild Charge kills him quick, and there's no healing.  So, I had to pick a different physical option, and it's like...N is fine on self-setup, Sophocles needs crit she can't provide, so I guess it's Marnie.  An important note, my Marnie is 2/5 non-EX, so her sync is sad because she's got nothing behind it, please understand.  That said, it was enough to get the job done.  Marnie's pretty solid as a partner, needing only one use of trainer move for the +1 crit and +2 attack while in Hangry mode, while Aura Wheel's speed buffs help out.  Nanu was brought along to debuff, since Marnie's Hostile Environment 5 on Thundershock leaves it with a 60% rate.  Which is why it missed the paralysis so often.

[my-brothers-corrupted]

Hey Jackieboy! I’m glad you get excited about Spider-Man. I know you weren’t sure about liking things for yourself before, so I’m glad you’ve got one of your things back.

I did want to say, just as something to keep in your head, that maybe you could go into this using your awesome brain looking for solutions that don’t end up with somebody dead. You save lives now, right? You’re a firefighter, a hero to so many people, even if they don’t know you. Judging by what you said in the kitchen, the people you’ve had to kill in the past still weigh on you. Sometimes that is the only—and even sometimes the kindest—solution, but you don’t know if that’s the case yet. There are other ways to assist JJ, and I think the ones where no one ends up dead or bloody or broken are worth looking for. You don’t have to wash more blood off your hands. That’s not the only way this can end.

I believe in you, Jackie.

"Yes, please no killing," says Max, blinking like he's been smacked in the face.

"I was just trying to express that we are all unwitting bad-asses," says Jackie.

"You said you'd kill anyone who touched JJ."

"Hmmm, well. I would."

"Jackie."

"But I won't if there are alternatives," he says earnestly.

"Sometimes you get worked up."

"Well, grab me and call me Juice Box and I'll come back to you."

He says it so honestly that Max can't help but smile at him. "Okay."

Jackie looks down at his hands and sighs. "The adrenaline thing has been a problem for me, sometimes. Had a problem for a while there where I was going out to pick fights for whatever reason I could find. Oh, I think you were there for some of it. I just - I spent so much of my life anticipating danger every single second, I think my brain sometimes wants there to be some just so I can kick it's ass and then go rest. It's better these days, mostly, but sometimes I still get myself into some dangerous situations. And then when there isn't that adrenaline, I get... sick."

"Numb," Max suggests.

"I get numb, I rock for hours and get frustrated over little things. I like when something's going on. Max is good, helps keep me occupied."

Jackie looks at Max. "Although you have your own shit too."

Max rubs at his arms and hums. "For the sake of full disclosure. Yes. I worry about you not coming home. I don't like thinking about living without you again."

"There's nothing in the world could stop me coming home to you. Could bring my monster back from the dead and he couldn't stop me."

"Does it haunt you? The people you killed?"

Jackie blinks at him. "Nightmares."

"Yeah?"

"Sometimes. But they're dead now, it's done. It was Anti's fault."

[joshuaalbert]

MY TIME HAS COME. assuming you’ve never been to chicago: navy pier is an iconic boardwalk area with a lot of fun attractions and a ferris wheel. you have to see the bean but while you’re there explore the rest of millennium park too. the chicago riverwalk is also cool to walk around!

museum campus is a really pretty area with the best views of the city, field museum has so many interesting exhibits i think you’d really love it. shedd aqurium and adler planetarium are also there (humblebrag moment but some of my dads research is showcased at adler 😏). they also have a basement where you can roleplay being a monk which isn’t relevant but i thought you should know.

the musuem of science and industry is on the other side of town but there is SO much to see and do there last time i spent 8 hours in that building. since you only have two days you probably don’t have time to go to wrigley field but im a baseball head so i have to mention it. you legally have to try authentic chicago deepdish pizza. i would recommend uno’s but there there are a million spots around town.

THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH FOR 2 DAYS BUT JUST PICK WHAT SOUNDS MOST INTERESTING. 💔 i would say spent maybe one day seeing the city (millennium park, riverwalk, and navy pier at sunset) and one day at a museum (field or science and industry could both be full day things, with adler and shedd and the art museum you could do multiple in one day). i used the citypass last time i went and that made it super easy to access the museums and stuff (you pick either 3 or 5 attractions and pay a set price and get tickets for whatever you chose to pick). oh my god sorry this is so long you have activated the sam chicago sleeper agent i haven’t even been in 2 years but i love it. BUT HAVE LOTS OF FUNNN I HOPE YOU ENJOY MY BEAUTIFUL CITY ❤️❤️❤️

woagh thank you

full disclosure i have been twice before although ive only gotten part of one day each time so i've done a couple of those things!! love navy pier (i did do the ferris wheel at sunset the first year i was there i was in hardcore tourist mode) and i think ive done part of the riverwalk and i think? i saw a fair bit of millennium park? and then i got very overwhelmed in the art institute but it was cool

i was trying to pick museums mostly so this is super helpful and i do have questions about the monk roleplay but i will try to stay on topic. might do the city pass or c3.......much to think about. someone else recommended museum of science and industry to me so i might see if i can do that on my longer free day depending on flight times etc

but yeah tysm!!

[exeggcute]

wholeheartedly agree with the usefulness of picking apart good/bad on a granular level—especially since that's the only way you can reliably apply lessons to other scenarios, through the whys and not just the big-picture whats—but I'm a stumbling a little over the utilitarian connection. at least in the colloquial-ish sense. (full disclosure that I have not engaged in like real formal moral philosophy since I squeezed out an ethics minor years ago so if I'm misunderstanding or talking past you here then that's fully on me lol.)

my gut instinct would be that this is more of an anti-consequentialist tendency where the overwhelming badness (or, maybe less often, overwhelming goodness) of a thing effectively poisons (or un-poisons?) that thing in its entirety, to the point where it receives a sort of unambiguous ethical category that overwhelms any need/desire to examine any constituent parts that would contradict that category.

although now that I type all this out and think about it more, maybe I'd actually argue that the consequentialist inclination is to ignore the bad within a net good, and the deontological inclination is to ignore the good within a net bad?

I just think people are too, uh, pessimistic, not in terms of predicting outcomes but in terms of evaluating known facts. Like, everything has a mix of good and bad, right. And people are very ready to act as if the bad of something negates the good, but much more hesitant to act as if the good negates the bad. Right, like, to do the former is to "be realistic" and "stop romanticizing (something)"; to do the latter is to "whitewash".

I think this is not a very useful way to look at the world. For my own part I would rather like to see the good and bad in things separately, to be able to say straightforwardly "well, I like this part but not that part", and resist reducing the judgement of things to a summary. I think that's what I don't like about utilitarianism: it is, in a very literal sense, summary. You sum up the good and the bad, produce a final assessment, and then throw away the details. It no longer matters what parts were good and what parts bad, or how, only the final total. I think that if you look at the world this way you are likely to miss a lot of what is important. Almost everything good is tangled up in some bad, that's the nature of the world we live in. I think by being so hasty to summarize and compress experiences, produce an evaluation and throw away the details, you risk losing the ability to truly appreciate the good things and at the same time to truly condemn the bad things.

This critique doesn't apply to people who are utilitarians in a sufficiently abstract or removed sense, it's more aimed at people who feel this need to like, gut their internal emotional world in service of utilitarianism. Or, more particularly, people who want to convince others to do that. Because if you want to do it that's ok, but I don't think it's very advisable and I don't think promulgating it is very good.