#although from what I’ve seen there’s a lot of overlap

[cannibalmetaphor]

new mutuals who followed me for the terror and now I’m hyperfixated on iwtv I’m very sorry

[writing-for-life]

Nuance in (The Sandman) Fandom

Send me asks about everything Sandman-related!

I thought a lot over the past few days, partly prompted by discourse on here, partly due to a couple of “interesting” asks and messages I received (the type you don’t answer). I *think* they might have been prompted by engaging in discourse on topics like anti-blackness/racism, misogyny/sexism, TERF characters etc in The Sandman.

Fandoms are always getting super sensitive if someone shines a critical lens on their favourite works, authors and characters. So to make this clear (in case it isn’t already obvious from my brain-rot blog):

I love The Sandman. I love Neil Gaiman. I have an extremely soft spot for Dream (and Desire btw, who deserves a lot more character analysis than just being summed up as “villainous, sexy bitch”. One day, perhaps ;)).

I can read The Sandman and just get lost in the story, even after decades and many rereads. 

But I can also view it through a critical lens—these things aren’t mutually exclusive.

Not critical enough or too critical?

As fans, we can get trapped in certain thinking patterns, like:

“My blorbo can do no wrong”-syndrome 

“Characters with flaws are inherently problematic and imply authorial endorsement of those actions” 

“Characterisation and problematic subtext are one and the same” (aka overanalysing and looking for problems where there are none is the death of every story, but failing to see problematic patterns where they are clearly visible is a problem, too).

Don't say anything bad about my favourite character

I think this doesn’t need much further exploration. It’s not my personal way of looking at stories through permanently rose-tinted glasses (I always feel it stalls my experience, but my experience is not everyone else's). Some people prefer that type of escapism, and I’m good with that (although the downside is of course that by not willing to engage with issues, we can unwillingly perpetuate them). Live and let live, ship and let sail. But please, for the love of god: Don’t insult people via their inboxes or messages just because their opinions and preferences don’t align with yours. I’m not going to sugarcoat it or phrase it “nicely”: It’s infantile (and a form of bullying btw), end of.

How can you even like a character who's so horrible? And that author must be equally horrible, too

We have to separate flawed characters, even those who are written to be really problematic, from real-life endorsement of these actions. 

Author, narrator and character are three fundamentally different things, and don’t overlap as much as some people seem to think. 

We can write vile, despicable characters to make a point (for me, Thessaly was always a prime example for this, and I explained why here). We probably hate them as we write them. I don’t know what else to say, but this facet of writing seems to get more and more lost on people, and it’s a worry. Crying for sanitised characterisation is one step away from censorship. We explore what is problematic about people and humanity through story. That’s how we process and learn. It’s nothing new, but it becomes impossible if we can’t write flawed and even disgusting characters. 

Face value…

Since I’m mostly in The Sandman fandom, I often read that its ending is hopeless, and that’s supposedly the entire message. 

It is agonisingly sad, yes. But is it truly hopeless? I personally see it as quite the opposite, but of course that’s my opinion, coloured by my life experiences.

I also get that show-only fans often haven’t read the comics, or at least not the whole arc. And as such, their outlook from what they’ve seen so far (and choose to focus on) has to be different by default. I also understand that many people are quite new to the comics, even if they have read them in their entirety. I’ve sat with them for 30 years, and I still find new things on every reread (and I read it more times than anyone should 🙈), and I still don’t feel like I’ve understood it all. Perhaps because I still haven’t fully understood myself (and it’s unlikely I ever will). If there’s one thing The Sandman isn’t, it’s one-dimensional and easy to grasp in its whole depth.

I just wrote a ginormous meta on it, if you’re interested, it’s here:

Subtext, (not so) glorious subtext

This is where it gets complicated:

We shouldn’t mix up characterisation and story subtext. Overanalysing every line to death will always make us find something that’s “problematic”, when it really isn’t in the wider context of the story.

Zooming in is NOT always a good thing. Sometimes, we actually need to zoom out. 

But subtext *can be* (accidentally) problematic. Even in stories we love. And none of this negates what I previously wrote.

Stories have real-life implications of sorts, and we need to be able to talk about it. That’s where those slightly flabbergasting, hostile inbox messages come in, and I want to expand on that "topic of contention" a bit:

Neil himself confirmed that the Endless basically warp reality, and that this is why, after Dream’s failed relationship with Nada, many black women in his vicinity suffer terrible fates (Ruby and Carla in particular). And that this spell is only broken when he dies, and that it is the reason why Gwen doesn’t suffer the same fate. And said Gwen then gets used as a plot device to basically absolve Hob (who canonically really is a problematic character, whether show-only fans like it or not) from his slaver past. Once again, very clearly: No one is making this up. Neil confirmed it (for the comics, and that was over 20 years ago. It remains to be seen if his stance has changed as we move into that arc in the TV show).

I don't think it is correct to imply that Dream as a character is racist (I've read that, too) because he logically can’t be. He holds *all* the collective unconscious. He is also, strictly speaking, not white. He is everything and nothing, and he shows up in many different ethnicities throughout the whole arc, depending on who looks at him. But Neil played with a subtext here (reality warping due to a bad relationship which then affects everyone with similar physical traits) that will read very differently to a black person than it reads to a white person, and we have to understand why that is an *extremely* slippery slope.

Plus, we are supposed to see Hob, who *was* a racist at some point (you can’t not be if you’re a slave-trader—it’s impossible by default) as redeemed. And yes, he *does* regret deeply, good for him (and if I were saying this aloud, you would hear the sarcasm in my voice, because it is indeed all about him. We are to sympathise/empathise with him and his character growth while there isn’t much mention of the people he maltreated). But also: it was a black woman who basically forgave him (with dialogue that personally makes me cringe). And that black woman who offers forgiveness is not truly a black woman—she is a character written by a white man. And as much as author and character are not the same (see above), there is an inherent sensitivity in that power imbalance that we can't brush under the carpet.

I don’t think Neil is racist. Probably quite the opposite, and I can even see that his intentions were good from a storytelling point of view. BUT intention and impact are two fundamentally different things, and telling the story this way (comic version) betrays blindspots only white people have. Just like women have blindspots when they tell stories about men, and men have blindspots when they tell stories about women (and there are a few of those in The Sandman, too). And and and…

As storytellers, we can’t always speak from lived experience. It’s impossible. And that also means we occasionally make mistakes that look bad in hindsight, even if our intentions were good.

I guess the proof is in the pudding: What do we do when people who *have* that lived experience tell us it looks bad? If they inform us why it is hurtful, plays into old stereotypes etc?

Are we willing to listen and yield (both are the foundations of allyship btw), or are we insisting that our viewpoint as someone *without* lived experience is right? That lived experience extends to all lived experiences (sex/gender, sexual orientation, age...), and from all we’ve heard from Neil so far, it seems important to him to rewrite what he sees differently today. Whether they’ll always get it right for the show—we’ll see. At the moment, it looks a lot better than in the comics, and certain issues are already being handled with a lot more sensitivity, but a few problems remain.

Pushing back on criticism that comes from people with lived experience is problematic—I’d encourage us to think about what it looks like if a white majority in the fandom is basically saying that the opinions of POC are essentially “overreactions” (and yes, that happened).

It’s complicated. The Sandman was written in a different time, and I think we have to distinguish between things that weren’t really problematic at the time but have aged poorly (again, Thessaly springs to mind, and I have lived experience as a queer person during that time, so I can see it in context while at the same time acknowledging that I would make changes to bring it to the present day), and things that were always a problem due to blindspots. They were a problem in 1990, and if they don’t get changed, they are still a problem today.

This fandom is generally so much more open and nicer than others I know. But that doesn’t mean it’s infallible, because it’s full of humans. 

Nuance is sorely needed, in both story interpretation and interaction between said humans.

[inappropriate-dance-breaks]

BEAM AND FLOOR FINALS LEOTARD REVIEW

Okay these are getting put together because there’s a lot of overlap. Last one! I’ll be doing a final review with best and worst, most consistent, etc…

Beam

Simone Biles- USA

This is so pretty. I love the dark blue going into the white and the design on the sleeves. The design on the chest looks a bit like a superman logo which isn’t my favourite but overall super solid. 7/10

Julia Soares and Rebeca Andrade- Brazil

Wow. Just wow. The mauve/burgundy colour is everything to me and the mesh creates the illusion of a beautiful off the shoulder neckline. The stones were so bright that they just sparkled with every movement. The blue stones on the chest really pop and the lines around the waist looked like they were dripping in gems. 9/10

Suni Lee- USA

I don’t know how to score this. From afar it’s super bland and doesn’t stand out at all but up close it’s absolutely stunning. You can just see a touch of the ribbons that were criss-crossed on the back. I’ll cover details later where they are clearer. For now it’s simultaneously a 3/10 and a 9/10

Zhou Yifan- China

This is a green edition of what we saw on her teammate in the bar final yesterday and it’s still gorgeous. The colours are stunning and I am in love with the brushstroke look. 8/10

Carryovers (gymnasts who did both and kept the same leo on)

Alice D’Amato and Manila Esposito- Italy

I know I joked yesterday that more contrast would help Alice get on the podium but this is the most contrast we’ve seen yet and they both took home medals. I’m not saying this is why but I’m also not saying it’s not. I still don’t love the design but they used several different beautiful shades of purple and it’s an improvement on their other looks. 6/10

Sabrina Maneca-Voinea- Romania

This is so simple but so pretty. She looks like a clear sky with a few whisps of clouds floating across. I wish they’d kept the same design going below the waist instead of the shiny fabric though. 7/10

Floor

Kishi Rina- Japan

Apparently Japan only have two leotards for this entire Olympic Games. This is a repeat from the team final. It wasn’t exciting the first time I saw it and it still isn’t now. 2/10

Simone Biles- USA

She’s gone with the same that Suni Lee wore during the all-around and wore it beautifully. Still an 8/10

Rebeca Andrade- Brazil

This is not my favourite of the Brazil looks but it’s still so good. The colours are gorgeous and I like the designs in the stones a lot. Not a huge fan of the teardrop in the middle but otherwise it’s fantastic. 7/10

Ou Yushan- China

We saw this yesterday and it’s still perfection. 10/10

Jordan Chiles- USA

This is the same as Suni was wearing in the beam final and this photo really shows off the details. The darker flowers in the mesh sleeves are nice, I like the checker patterns on the chest and sleeve and the lines across the chest, all in blue and red stones. The pearls bordering the strapless illusion and splitting the lines on the chest??? Are you kidding me?? I’ve never seen pearls on a gymnastics leotard but now it’s all that I want. It’s so classy and beautiful, although I still struggle with how plain it looks from afar. 3/10 from afar, 9/10 up close

Ana Barbosu- Romania

The colour is nice and I like the ribbon across the chest and arms but it’s a bit plain. Could’ve used more sparkle. 5/10

[driftingballoons]

15, 30, 34 for the pokemon ask meme?

15. Zigzagoon! It’s such a little baby thing :3

30. Hmm, that’s a tough one. I’d have to say either N or Lillie. N is interesting from a conceptual point of view—imagining a child growing up first with pokemon, and then in such a controlled environment to mold his entire wordview is really fascinating idea. Also the way he went through all that and only emerged as somewhat off-putting is amazing. He maybe ranks just a tiiiny bit below Lillie, specifically her character in the first version of SuMo. I found it really inspiring that, despite how overbearing and frightening Lusamine could be, this fairly sheltered girl could get the courage to do what she felt was right and leave to save Nebby. Really loved seeing how she slowly became more confident through the game, and how she eventually had the strength to tell her mom how she really felt about her and her actions (another reason I got mad at the remakes lol—that whole speech was very important for both characters) 

34. I think it would be fun if drifloon had another form! Given how they seem to get a bit more attention than the average pokemon, I’m a bit surprised they haven’t got another form so far. I’ve seen a lot of cool ideas where it’s more of a paper-lantern themed ghost, but I was thinking maybe swapping flying with water type could be fun too! Had an idea of an alternate drifloon where the main body is a bubble, and the details are maybe made up of seaweed or trash from the ocean. Could keep the ghost typing and have it try to drag swimmers to the depths, although I think that overlaps with frillish a bit lol. 

[roblogging]

just had to block someone on tik tok bc they said people give regulus lily’s personality & tweak it slightly and i want to scream 😭 bc no ?? i don’t think i’ve read many fics where they have similar personalities at all. if anything in aus or canon divergent fics i’ve seen their personalities clash before warming up to each other. like sure they might have overlapping character traits like enjoying reading & being studious but imo i think that’s where the similarities end. similarly i’ve also seen people say that about pandora & luna as well, that pandora is given luna’s personality in fics (although i do understand where it’s coming from, i do disagree w/ the sentiment). idk maybe it’s the fics i read or the characterizations i enjoy, but i would never say that any of them were “given” the other characters personality. i would love to hear your thoughts especially about pandora being “given” luna’s personality in fics but pls feel free to ignore me !!

WAIT ABAHAHA I HAVE A DRAFT OF THIS CAN I DO TWO IN ONE!? im doing two in one !! first cut is pandora, next cut is lily/reg.

oh. i can only do one cut. oopsie. okay pandora is here and lily/reg is under the cut

luna and pandora i actually dont have many thoughts on?? i think i tend to characterise them quite similarly as well which i'm just noticing now !!

i think the big difference for me is how pandora died and how that plays into her personality? like i see her as a lot more headstrong and action-based than luna? not to say that luna doesn't do anything, but that pandora will rush into it regardless of visions etc and luna does it based on them ?? if that makes sense ??

woah. we've unlocked something i cant talk about. rarely seen before. might have to update the software (read more pandora centric fics) ANYWAY!

something i can yap an atrocious amount under the cut for people that want to avoid these discussions 🫶🏻

im now realising that this isn't EXACTLY what you were saying, but it does touch upon their different personalities and dynamics

but yeah. sorry, it's like 4am none of this will be coherent i fear.

[jerich-0]

Shifting Introduction

Still a little new to this, so sorry in advance for any unintentional rudeness or misunderstanding.

I first heard about shifting in 2020, however I, admittedly, completely disregarded it as total bs at first. I was pretty firm in that belief up until a couple months ago, when I came across a video on TikTok of someone (don’t remember who) getting the shifting symbol tattooed on them.

I was under the impression that the people posting about shifting back in 2020 were just lying out of their asses, which discredited the entire notion of reality shifting for me. The tattoo video made me reconsider.

For starters; I didn’t even know there was a symbol for reality shifting (a pretty cool one at that,) but the video also made me realize that maybe these people weren’t all lying out of their asses about it. And even if they were, the dedication to the bit was impressive enough to inspire me to look a little deeper into it.

I did my own research, and while I’m still not entirely convinced of reality shifting, I’m very open to the idea of it. The Get Shifty podcast on YouTube really helped to change my perception of reality shifting and helped ground my (growing) belief in it. I tend to lean very (maybe a little too) heavily on hard data and scientific explanations for things, which oftentimes leads me to totally disregard anecdotal evidence about this kind of thing; but after listening to the podcast and hearing how easy it was for them to talk about it, I’ve learned to see the value in personal experiences instead of relying solely on numbers- especially for an experience as personal as shifting (although I do still appreciate a good graph or two.)

I’m still unsure about the actual mechanics of reality shifting, and right now I don’t really subscribe to any specific theory regarding it (multiverse theory, consciousness theory, etc.,) but I’m not really worried about that anyways. I’ll try to look more into it once I actually shift for the first time, but for now I’m just going off of people’s individual experiences as a way to help my understanding.

That being said, a couple months ago (starting in may, I think?) I decided to start my own journey. Conveniently, a lot of shifting practices overlap with practices I’m already familiar with (meditation, lucid dreaming,) which I think should help to progress my journey a little bit quicker. I’m already cracked at meditation, and maybe how easy it is to completely clear my mind says something about me as a person, but I feel safe saying I have that part down. Lucid dreaming is a little trickier. I used to be really good at it, but not so much now. I’ve been relearning, though, with some progress. The goal with that is to be able to stabilize my dreams enough to try out the lucid dreaming method.

This blog is just to help me track progress. I’m sure I’ll be yelling into the void 99% of the time, but having a public blog should make it easier to peer pressure myself into actually tracking progress instead of totally forgetting about it (like what I’ve been doing.) If anyone does come across this, feel free to drop advice or information on me. I’m pretty eager to learn more about reality shifting and become more active in the community, because from what I’ve seen the community on tumblr is a lot nicer than the one on tiktok, lol.

I’m also looking into topics like the void state and subliminals right now, so recommendations or information regarding those specifically is much appreciated.

[sketchycozy]

What is a furry?: Definitions and misconceptions

Furries are one of the most misunderstood fandoms both in person and online! In this post I will be discussing what a furry is, as well as discussing some common misconception in regards to the fandom!

What is a furry?

In order to dispel misunderstanding, we first need to define what a furry actually is. A furry is a nickname for anyone in the anthropomorphic animal fandom, much like how swiftie is a Taylor swift fan and Trekkie is the nickname for someone who’s a fan of Star Trek! To put it simply: furries are people who find animals who look and behave like humans cool! That all someone need to be a furry. They don’t need to own a fursuit, be an artist, or even have a fursona! All they need is to like the concept of anthropomorphic animals and call themselves a furry!

Some definitions!

Furry: a person in the anthropomorphic animal fandom

Anthropomorphic: giving human characteristics to non-human things

Fursuit: an hand-made costume, either based on the client’s own character or a pre-existing character the designer made (known as a premade suit). Fullsuits are full fursuits, well partials are just some pieces like owning just a head, tail, and paws.

Misconception 1: All furries own fursuits

Although fursuits are a big part of the fandom, they arn’t the main point, and not all furries own or even want a suit!

According to a 2011 survey done by FurScience:

Only around 10-15% own a fullsuit

Only around 25% own a partial suit

A little over 10% have no interest in owning a fursuit

Around 5% have no interest in owning a partial suit.

People with fursuits are more likely to attend conventions, with around 40% owning some sort of fursuit. This is likely part of the reason most people think they’re a much bigger part of the fandom than they are. They’re a lot more noticeable, and people often look at conventions as an accurate representation of the whole, which often isn’t the case as many can not afford to travel and attend conventions.

Misconception 2: Furries believe they are animals (aka the litter box myth)

This misconception likely comes from a mix of two things: media misinformation and getting therian’s and other kin confused.

No, furries do not believe we are animals. It is likely people are confusing us with Therians (those who believe they have some sort of connection to an animal, such as believing they were one in a past life). According to a survey, only around 10% of furries identify as therians. Is their overlap? Absolutely! But not all furries are therians and not all therians are furries.

Furry isn’t an identity. You can’t “identify as a furry”, just like you can’t “identify as a swifty”

When it comes to the whole litter box thing, it’s almost all hearsay from kids. It initially started with one kid telling their mother that they had litter boxes for kids who identified as animals. The mother took her kids word for it, talk about it at a school board meeting, the video blows up, and boom, suddenly kids everywhere are saying it’s happening, and yet despite kids constantly talking about it, I’ve never seen a video or picture of any of the incidents described. Now, schools may have litter in their schools, but these are often for either students who have service animals, schools to have a place for students to pee during a lockdown, and for cleaning up vomit and other accidents kids may have in school

Misconception 3: Furry is a new thing

The furry fandom started as an offset of the sci fi fandom, dating all the way back to the 80s! It’s definitely grown in popularity with the internet, but we’ve been around much longer than you probably expected!

Misconception 4: Furry is LGBT+

Although there are a lot of furries who are LGBT+ in some way, being a furry by itself does not make you a part of the LGBT+ community, and their are plenty of furries who are not a member of the LGBT+ communities. LGBT+ is about romantic/sexual orientation and gender identity, and being a furry is neither of those.

Misconception 5: furry is a kink/fetish

Although their absolutely is a NSFW side of the fandom, it is not the main point of the fandom, and there are plenty of people (like myself) who don’t partake in it at all. Even for those who do partake in the NSFW side of the fandom, they often arn’t their just for that aspect and enjoy the SFW parts of the fandom as well. After all, if it was fully an NSFW fandom, 18+ dealers dens (vender halls at furry cons) and 18+ events at conventions wouldn’t be sectioned off or during after hour times. They’re kept separate for a reason, and that’s because not every member of the fandom is interested in it.

Additionally, most fursuits are actually not made to accommodate NSFW activities, and most fursuiters don’t use their suits for things like that, reporting things such as “they don’t believe it would be comfortable” and that they do not want to ruin an expensive suit.

Additionally, many people confuse pup play (those leather pup masks) with furry. There is absolutely overlap between these two cultures, but again, not every furry is a pup player and not every pup player is a furry.

Let’s not forget how many minors are in the fandom too! Trying to call a fandom that has many young people in it as a sex thing is- very uncomfortable.

Misconception 6: furries are zoophiles

You’re going to get your gross people in every fandom, and unfortunately when you have a fandom centered around animals, it’s going to attract those who have bad intentions with them. That being said, zoos are not welcome in the fandom, and being called out as a zoophile is social suicide in the fandom.

For example, a very popular fursuit maker known as DHC was exposed to be a zoophile and animal abuser. After this was called out, they lost thousands of followers, and anyone who buys a suit from them is ostracized by most of the fandom for supporting someone who hurts animals. Some people even took it too far by harassing those who bought their suits before DHC was exposed, and although I don’t agree with harassing people who had no idea, it is a testament to just how much the fandom hates these people.

When it comes to art, it’s pretty looked down upon too, with being caught making “feral” NSFW art (art when an animal appears like an actual animal with animal anatomy) being a career ender for many artists. The general rule of thumb being that 1. The character has the ability to consent, 2. The character is anthro and 3.The things being sexualized are human characteristics.

Unfortunately, there will always be gross people in every fandom, but just like every other fandom, we shouldn’t generalize it based on the worst of it.

And that’s it!

Feel free to reblog with your own thoughts or things I missed. I’m sick of seeing people, especially kids, being harassed and threatened over things that arnt even true. For more Info as well as to see where I sourced my statistics, check out furscience, a group dedicated to researching the fandom!

[buckysgrace]

Chapter Twenty Two

Previous Chapter

Kim pulled her hair up in a ponytail as she worked, concentrating on getting the lasagna noodles in an even section in the bottom of the pan. Her eyes narrowed a bit when she realized the pan was too small and part of the noodles would be overlapped. She sighed, her eyes heavy and tired from the night before. 

She hadn’t seen Billy outside of his room yet. He had the privilege of being off while she was very unlucky to have to work today. Despite that, she made sure to check on him before she left and when she got back. He slept peacefully the entire time. She thought that maybe walking back and forth to work would clear her head but in fact it just made her a bit more paranoid. She couldn’t help but think about how Jason knew where she worked and that if Billy had given Tommy their phone number what were the chances of Jason knowing it too?

She knew she was overthinking. He hadn’t ever tried to speak to her or do anything else up until last night. Yet, it was something for her to obsess over as her mind continued to wonder if she was overthinking what had happened. Every time she was reminded of the fact that his friend had lifted her dress up high enough to expose her underwear. She thought that gave her more than enough validation that there was something sinister behind their actions. Yet, Tommy was making it seem like there was no issue behind their actions. She didn’t know what to think anymore, it made her feel crazy. 

She dumped the rest of the cheese on top before shoving it in the oven. This was one of the rare nights that her mother and Neil went out to eat and it left them alone. Kim was more than pleased with that as she had been very concerned that they would start asking her questions. She was sure with herself that Neil had known when she finally managed to drag her tired body into bed, with just enough time to cover up before he was checking in her room. She knew he would’ve flipped out by now if he had known but she was still anxious about him finding out. 

“Since when do you go to parties with Billy?” Max questioned her with piercing blue eyes as Kim turned to face her. She looked at her younger sister sheepishly, watching as she sat up on the counter. Kim leaned against the fridge and shrugged as she tried to stay as casual as possible. 

“I mean, I don’t know,” She felt awkward as she spoke, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, “I think he was just being nice last night.” Max stared at her as she thought and Kim felt like fidgeting even more. Kim really was beginning to believe that Billy brought her there because he figured she’d cope with disasters the same way he did, by drinking them away. Maybe she would’ve if she’d been more comfortable around the people there, but she was glad that she didn’t do it after the incident. Max looked like she was trying to read her in the same way Billy did. She took a deep breath as Max spoke again.

“It’s kind of weird. I mean you guys usually just ignore each other.” Max responded slowly. Kim felt her pulse race as she shrugged. She was trying to act indifferent as she rubbed her freckled arm. She wondered what they had done that was making Max act suspicious. Maybe they had been too loud in her room before? She was trying not to panic.

“Yeah, I don’t know he’s changed a lot from when we first moved here,” Kim fumbled for her words. She was growing uncomfortable with the way Max was questioning her. She was afraid she’d slip up and say the wrong thing, “I think he’s just trying to be better.” Kim admitted slowly, feeling some truth behind her words. Although, she was unsure if having sex with his stepsister made him any better than before. 

“He’s changed or you have?” Max asked, tilting her head to the side. Kim looked at her surprised, unsuspecting of that question. She wasn't quite sure how to answer that either. She was a bit relieved that the conversation was changing from how they were acting together.

“I’ve changed?” Kim blinked in confusion, trying to figure out what had changed about her. She felt she was similar, minus the fact that she was no longer a virgin. She couldn’t really understand how she’d been acting differently. Max shrugged.

“You’re drinking, partying and getting high. I don’t know, is Billy making you do it?” Kim shook her head quickly, making sure she dismissed that Billy had anything to do with what she had done. Max didn’t look convinced. 

“No, I did all of those things on my own. He had nothing to do with it, he was actually nice and helped me out.” She still thought of the first night and how he had helped her through her window. She could remember the way her skin burned on her thighs where he touched her. She popped her knuckles as she waited for Max to answer.

“Hm,” Max kicked her feet lightly in the air, “It just doesn’t seem like stuff that you do and well it is the stuff that Billy is known for.” Her heart fluttered nervously but she felt herself growing defensive of the older boy. He hadn’t made her do anything. In fact, all of the above instances she had planned on her own. 

“I just wanted to experience things and yeah, he likes to drink and do that stuff,” Kim fiddled with the hair behind her ear again, “So he just happens to be at the same place.” Max nodded, still watching her like she didn’t quite believe the older girl. She was worried, realizing that if anyone did find out about them that they would place the blame solely on Billy. She began to feel guilty all over again, this time for something that didn’t even happen.

“I think he drinks too much.” The younger girl laughed as she began to twirl her feet in the air. Kim grinned as she rubbed her arms, wondering if she really was acting differently. She hoped she wasn’t. She thought that she was still the same person as always, she was just having sex now. Maybe she really was a prude before all of this.

“Yeah, last night was a bit much.” She agreed, watching as the younger girl hopped off of the counter. Kim stayed planted to the side of the fridge, worried she would give away the smallest details between her and Billy if Max continued to question her. She never thought that she’d have to worry about people thinking it was odd for her to hang out with Billy but she would remember that from now on.

“I’m going to make sure he’s not dead, maybe draw a penis on his face.” Max replied too cheerily, grabbing a sharpie out of the cubby on one of the counters before parading to his room. Kim shook her head, trying not to let more of her anxiety consume her. She was thinking too far into this. Max wasn’t catching onto anything, only concerned with her older sister’s behavior. She tried to reassure herself that everything was alright.

She checked on the lasagna again before taking short steps to the living room, turning on whatever program was on the TV and willing herself to concentrate on it as she laid across the couch. It was no use, she kept thinking about what Max was telling Billy at the moment. She wondered if he was okay, but couldn’t find the strength in herself to go see him.

She really wanted to tell him off about his creepy friends, but fell short to do it. She knew there were only two outcomes. He would be pissed and Jason and his friend would be dead or he wouldn’t believe her. The second option scared her the most and the more she thought about his hardened glare on her the more she was unable to speak about it. 

She grumbled into the arm of the chair, closing her eyes and sighing deeply into the rough material. She heard a door slam but kept her face in the material, unbothered as she tried to clear her mind.

“Are you okay?” Billy’s voice surprised her and she quickly snapped her head up, pushing away red locks that clung to her face as she looked towards his amused face. Despite sleeping for so long she could see the bags under his eyes. She approvingly stared at his face and noticed how well his bruises were healing.

“Yeah, yes,” She shot up quickly on the couch trying to compose herself, “I was just waiting for the lasagna.” Kim pulled her hair completely out of her face, watching as Billy chuckled.

“That sounds good.” She watched as he crossed across the couch and plopped down next to her. She sat up quickly, holding her knees towards her chest as she watched him curiously. She could see the bags under his eyes blended in with his bruises and made the blue color pop out even more than usual.

“Yeah, I thought I’d make something. Neil and mom are going out to eat tonight.” She explained feeling her heart racing when his thigh brushed against the back of her thigh. She wondered if he really needed his legs spread that far.

“Max said I was pretty bad last night?” Billy questioned her, having the decency to look sheepish as he rubbed the back of his neck. Kim just hummed, pretending to watch the program on tv and not his features. She hoped he felt more than embarrassed for how the night had gone. She believed she deserved an apology. At the same time, she struggled to feel angry because he had taken care of her in the past as well. She kept going back and forth on her emotions and wasn’t sure how to feel at all anymore.

“I had to drive us back.” She replied shortly as she pretended to be interested in the characters talking on TV.  She looked up as the sunlight brushed across his face, lighting up even his bruised features. It was hard to be mad at him when he looked so sweet in the daylight. He scrunched his face up playfully.

“I noticed,” He chuckled as he ran a hand across his chin, “The car was sort of parked on the curb.” He laughed about it and she was genuinely surprised that he wasn’t angry with her. She felt a smile growing on her features despite her irritation in her chest. 

“It’s your fault,” She admitted. She didn’t want to be agitated but she still was a bit bitter over him ditching her for his friends, “I’m glad to see you at least lived through the night.” She turned to look at him this time. His blue eyes watched her curiously before he looked down at his knees. 

“Yeah, heard you had to take care of me.” He shifted awkwardly on the couch, his thigh moving closer to her knee as he did so. She rested her cheek against her palm, glancing around to make sure Max wasn’t around.

“You took care of me not too long ago. It’s fine,” She replied, unable to turn away from his features, “I guess it’s payback.” He winced as he intertwined his fingers together over his lap.

“Yeah but you had to like -,” He took a deep breath, looking too horrified to repeat whatever he was thinking, “Thanks for not leaving me. I’m sorry I got so shitfaced, I really wasn’t expecting to do so.” He shuffled his feet awkwardly in front of him as she watched him fidget with his hands. She wondered when he smoked last. She didn’t quite believe that he hadn’t been planning to do so. She seemed to have been the perfect babysitter for his drunk shenanigans. 

“Bathe you?” She finished her sentence playfully watching as he shifted even more in discomfort, “It’s fine, better than having you sweaty and covered in vomit trying to kiss me.” Her tone softened as she finished her sentence, afraid that Max may overhear from wherever she had wandered off too. She couldn’t be sure, but she thought she saw Billy’s cheeks flush.

“I was wasted.” He spoke gruffly and she grinned at his reaction. She thought this served him right for all of the times he had teased him before. Maybe he did really feel guilty for what had happened last night. She felt a sour feeling growing inside of her as she thought about Jason again. She wondered if she should tell him. 

“You were,” She felt the irritation sliding away as he turned to face her, “You said something odd last night.” She began, as she twisted a piece of red hair that had fallen from her scrunchie. He raised an eyebrow as he watched her, looking almost nervous.

“And what was that?” He looked like he really didn’t want to know, but she really was curious about what he had meant. She pushed aside his discomfort, thinking she at least deserved an answer for all she did last night.

“You said I have sad eyes,” She tilted her head as she watched him curiously, “I don’t think I’ve ever-“ 

“Is it done yet?” Max shuffled out of her room dramatically, making Billy and Kim shift long distances apart despite not doing anything intimate. Kim jumped up and made her way to the oven, quickly forgetting about what they had been talking about. She felt Billy’s eyes linger as she moved and she wondered if he was just happy for the topic change. 

“Yeah, it probably is.” She tried to act like she didn’t forget about it while in her conversation with Billy but she definitely did. She still wanted to know what he meant by her eyes. She wouldn’t ask in front of Max. She quickly pulled the hot pan out before the cheese got too done and sighed softly. She was beginning to hate feeling like she had to hide being around Billy, even if they were talking about mundane things.

“Do you want to wait a minute? It’s hot.” Kim watched as Max scooted her smaller body in front of her, holding a wooden spoon. Max shot her an irritated look.

“I’ve got this.” Kim held her hands up in defense, stepping back and stumbling over Billy’s feet as he caught her by her waist. She winced, looking down where their feet were linked together.

“Are you okay?” She asked quickly, ignoring the way he was holding onto her. She was standing too close to him, his minty breath fanning over her warm cheeks. She thought of what Max had mentioned a few minutes ago about how her and Billy never interacted before.

“Yeah, you’re just a klutz as usual,” He chuckled, keeping his hands on her waist even though she was more than steady. Despite being so angry at him earlier, she still melted against his touch and hated herself for giving in so easy. She gulped hard, having a hard time looking away until she heard the sound of Max’s fork scraping against the plate.

“It’s hot.” Max was in her own little world, her words mumbled as she fanned the hot pasta in her mouth. Kim stepped out of Billy’s hands, too afraid Max would look over and spot them. She didn’t know if she’d be able to think of an explanation for how he was holding her. 

“I told you to wait a minute,” She opened the fridge, grabbing a can of Coke for herself as she turned to the other two, “Anyone want anything to drink?” Max nodded enthusiastically while still fanning her hot mouth.

“I’ll have a beer.” Kim felt her eyes narrow as she grabbed three cans of coke, completely ignoring Billy’s request as she handed him one. She wasn’t going to be responsible for him drinking again. She felt like she really would flip out then.

“I think you should lay off it for today,” Kim couldn’t believe she spoke that into existence and Billy looked stunned that she said it too. He took the can of soda from her, rolling her comment off of his shoulders like she hadn’t said anything, “Maybe drink some water too.” She added after a second thought. Max watched her curiously as she grabbed her can.

“Okay, mom .” Max mocked with a roll of her eyes. She took her plate and drink, heading towards her room. Kim shrugged, used to her comments. Next time, she could let the younger girl force him into a bath as he vomited everywhere. 

“You sure I can’t have a beer?” Billy questioned as they stood around the kitchen island. Technically, they didn’t have to eat with each other. Something about it just felt right as she stood near him, feeling his blue eyes watching her hazel ones. She scoffed at his comment.

“Mhm, no,” She laughed as she pulled her can towards her, fiddling with the tab on the top, “I think I cleaned up enough puke last night.” He flushed a bit and turned to her fingers, lingering on how she struggled with the metal piece that just wouldn’t pop.

“You’re really bad at this, you know?” Billy told her as he leaned over the table, his hands brushing over hers as he took the cold can from her and opened it with ease. Kim shot him a playful glare. She blamed it on the odd feeling she got when her finger pressed against the aluminum. 

“So? I have other talents.” She shrugged it off as she took a sip, referencing her other academic abilities. His smirk grew as he took a big bite from his food.

“Mhm, yeah you are pretty good with your mouth.” Her whole face turned bright red when his words left his mouth. She stared at him stunned before kicking at his shin. She felt herself quickly looking over her shoulder, making sure Max’s door was still shut tightly and that she couldn’t hear his vile words. 

“You’re so mean!” She huffed out horrified by what he was suggesting. Billy laughed, leaning forward to rub his shin. She hoped it really hurt. He didn’t have to tease her all the time, especially after she had been so nice to him.

“I thought you liked when I was mean,” His hand reached forward, brushing between her milky thighs, “You seemed to really enjoy it the other day.” Her face was on fire as she scooted away from his hands, completely unable to handle him at the moment. She crossed her arms, hiding herself away from him. She had really enjoyed it when he had pulled on her hair and grabbed a hold of her neck. Even thinking about it now, she could feel herself growing excited.

“I hate you.” She mumbled as she distracted herself by eating. He licked his bottom lip as he stared up at her like she was his next meal. She knew he was thinking about the same situation that she was dreaming of. She urged her body to quit thinking about it, to think of anything else at the moment. 

“You’re the one who brought it up. I was just agreeing.” He chuckled softly, pushing his blonde curls out of his face as he leaned against the kitchen island. His fingers drummed over the marble as he watched her. 

“You know what I meant.” She felt like she was trapped as Billy moved, looming over her. He stood up against her, pressing himself to her  as his fingers brushed over her waist. She gulped, looking back at him. 

“Did you have a good time last night?” He questioned her as she peered over her shoulder to look at his mischievous grin. She stared at his lips as he spoke, knowing she should push him away in case Max came through. She grinned nervously, knowing she had anything but fun last night.

“Yes.” Her giggle was awkward, a bit too high pitched. He looked even more amused as his fingertips pushed up her pink tank top and rubbed circles into her soft skin. Her heart was racing but not in the normal way it did. She was scared about telling him what had really happened. She didn’t know how he’d react. 

“You’re shit at lying.” He chuckled, pulling her even closer to him. She gulped hard, feeling his bulge up against her backside. She thought about swatting him away but couldn’t find the energy to do so.

“It wasn’t awful.” She mumbled, stabbing her fork into the noodles as she suddenly didn’t feel hungry anymore. She was nervous about his touch, “Would’ve been better if you were around.” She admitted slowly. She wanted to mention how he had promised not to leave her but he had done that very thing. She wondered if he had only said that to get him to go with her in the first place. He hesitated with his movements for a moment.

“I thought maybe you would’ve enjoyed the drinking and everything. You know, get your mind away from your dad.” Kim gulped hard. In truth, she didn’t think that drinking would solve those issues. She wasn’t like him, she couldn’t just erase what had happened and not think about it. 

“Um, yeah I didn’t really drink last night,” She admitted slowly, “Plus I don’t really like beer.” His chin rested on her shoulder, resting softly. She could feel his stubble rubbing against her smooth cheek in this position, tickling her softly. She felt like her emotions kept switching from anger to being content to be around him.

“What do you like to drink then?” He pushed her hair to the side, exposing her neck as he rocked her side to side. She felt her insides tightening, unsure of how to feel. This was okay but he couldn’t stay with her after sex? It was all so confusing to her.

“Um,” She thought for a moment, “I don’t really know. I mean the drink Tommy made for me was good. It was like peach I think?” She felt Billy stiffen from behind her and she wondered if she said the wrong thing as he stepped around her, looking at her seriously.

Billy stared at her blankly, “When did Tommy make you a drink?” She shuffled her feet, not liking the intensity of his gaze. She crossed her arms stubbornly, feeling like she needed to defend herself again. She figured he was just mad that Tommy had been interested in her.

“At his party.” He stared at her, his eyebrows furrowing as he deepened his frown. She felt like she had done something wrong and she wasn’t sure what. She didn’t think accepting a drink would be a crime. She also didn’t feel like he had the right to be mad at her at all. She was basically letting all of last night slide with no issue.

“You shouldn’t ever drink anything that someone offers you. Especially if you don’t know them.” He responded quickly, his tone a bit hard. She looked at him confused, tilting her head. Wasn’t that part of going out and drinking? 

“He was being nice and offered me a drink. I was supposed to say no?” Her question was genuine. She felt very silly with the way he looked at her as if she had said something that was supposed to be common knowledge.

“Yes, you’re supposed to say no. He could’ve put something in it.” He sounded almost angry as he spoke but she felt even more confused than before.

“What would he have put in it? Tommy doesn’t seem like the type of guy to do that.” She responded, unsure if that was the truth. For a split second last night she had been worried he would join the other two boys last night. She realized she didn’t know anything about Tommy and that Billy was right. Even if she didn’t want to admit that. 

“You don’t know him,” Billy sighed, “There’s a lot of things he could’ve put in it but most importantly he could’ve drugged you. I’m being serious.” Kim didn’t think it was a laughing matter at all, she just didn’t know that those rules existed. She felt naive suddenly as she rubbed her elbow.

“Oh,” She looked at him sheepishly, “I didn’t know.” She admitted slowly. She watched as concern grew over his features.

“You probably shouldn’t go to any more parties. You could get hurt,” He tried to sound reasonable as he spoke but she stared at him flabbergasted, “Don’t look at me like that. I won’t always be around to watch you.” She snorted when he said that.

“Like you were doing last night?” She asked sarcastically, “I don’t need you to watch out for me. I’m a big girl, I can handle myself.” He looked more than amused when she said that, making her even more irritated. It wasn’t like he would’ve been much help at all last night with as drunk as he was. She was the one who was watching out for him. 

“You can’t even open a can of soda.” He spoke simply, acting as if that was the final say. She was in disbelief. How did that equal not being able to protect herself? She suddenly found herself dismissing Jason and his friend completely, not wanting Billy to have another reason to baby her.

“It’s a can of soda,” She looked at him exasperated, “Maybe you would’ve noticed that he made me a drink if you had been around me and not all over Tina.” There it was. The stupid jealousy that hid deep inside of her had crawled its way out, barreling off her tongue. Billy stopped his movements, irritation lining his features. She knew, she knew he would bring up and she hated herself for even speaking it into existence again.

“You were talking to Tommy,” Billy huffed as he stared her down, “What’s different than you talking to him while I talk to Tina?” She knew there was nothing different, despite the fact that he was allowed to talk to her, and Kim wasn’t allowed to talk to Tommy. Friend or not, it wasn’t fair in her opinion.

“I only talked to Tommy because he approached me. Because you left me !” She reminded him harshly. If he hadn’t been so drunk then maybe Tommy wouldn’t have approached her so much. She wasn’t able to control what Tommy did. It wasn’t like she was actively seeking him out. On the other hand, Billy was actively talking to Tina. 

“I don’t want you talking to him, I already told you that. There’s things about him that you don’t know,” She could tell that Billy was growing impatient as he spoke, “Don’t talk to him again.” This wasn’t a warning, she realized as she stared at the hard lines over his face. She didn’t know how else she could explain that she wasn’t interested in Tommy. She had no desire to be with the other boy at all. It was getting on her nerves.

“I think you’re worried about the wrong friends,” Kim snapped, “Tommy has been nothing but nice, meanwhile Jason and his buddy were total creeps last night. Tommy was the one to make them stop.” Kim knew it wasn’t completely true. Tommy had only stumbled upon them by chance and seemed more than fine with their actions. Not to mention how weird he had acted towards her at the diner. She wasn’t going to admit that at the moment. Billy watched her, traces of anger still on his features.

“Jason is dating Chrissy, he’s harmless,” Kim laughed dryly and she watched as his expression changed as he looked at her, “What did he do?” His voice was rough as he stepped closer to her. She moved backwards, hitting against the counter as his eyes turned soft. She didn’t like the way he watched her at the moment, like she had been ruined. She didn’t know if they would have tried anything, but the one boy had still messed with her dress.

“Nothing,” She tried to change the subject as he pulled her arms out towards him and began to look her over. She sighed, “Billy I’m fine.” He snapped his head up at her, looking angry again. She began to grow worried that he would think that she had come onto Jason too.

“Did he touch you?” He seethed as his fingertips cupped her chin and began to search over her face and neck and to her exposed collarbone. She swallowed, blinking at him confused when she realized the anger wasn’t directed towards her anymore.

“Just my wrist,” She mumbled, feeling ashamed, “His friend-“ She stopped herself suddenly, unsure if she should continue by the shadows that crossed his face. She swallowed her words hard, trying to pretend that she hadn't been about to say anything else. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not. 

“What did he do?” His eyes narrowed as he watched her. She could feel the dread filling within her as she shook her head quickly, completely trying to bite her words back.

“It doesn’t matter. You said they’re harmless, so I believe you.” She threw his words back at him, watching as he frowned deeply. She didn’t want to talk about this anymore. She felt the sudden urge to cry, not liking how mean his tone was sounding. He seemed to notice as he reapproached her. 

“Kim,” The urgent tone in his voice made her look at him again, feeling disappointed with herself, “What did he do?” He sounded softer, more relaxed as he watched her worried features. She got the sense he wasn’t mad at her.

“He pulled my dress up over my thighs,” She swallowed a hard lump in her chest, “It was nothing. They said they were just messing around.” She wouldn’t bring up Tommy again, too afraid of what his reaction would be. For a moment it felt nice to say those words out loud, so it wasn't beating around so harshly in her chest anymore. She watched as his face darkened as he examined her:

“Why were you even near them anyways?” He looked at her harshly and she felt the old Billy sliding back to life. She glared at him, pulling her arms away. She was expecting him to react differently, but she wasn’t sure why. Of course, he’d pin it back on her somehow. She should've been expecting that, but it still hurt that he thought that low of her. 

“Because I was looking for you,” She spat out, irritated that this was somehow her fault again. She didn’t want to go to this dumb party anyways. He was the one that asked her to do it, “You were probably too busy with Tina though.” She spit out bitterly again. Maybe part of her still was jealous but she could play it off as being upset that he still left her alone. He looked at her exasperated.

“Jesus, what is the deal with Tina? She’s a friend. We fuck sometimes,” He pinched the bridge of his nose and she could tell she was running his already nonexistent patience thinner, “You’re not my girlfriend, it shouldn’t matter!” His tone took her by surprise by how angry and rough it was. She could already feel the tears forming inside of her. It didn’t matter who yelled at her, she always ended up crying.

“I don’t care like that,” She finally found the words to speak as he scoffed, pacing the floor in front of her. She frowned, “I don’t but she was trying to take you home. Billy, you couldn’t even walk straight.” He stopped his pacing to look at her in disbelief. She felt worried again, unsure of what she had said that was wrong. She didn't think it was a crime to care for him, especially when it was obvious that Tina had been trying to prey on him. 

“So?” She couldn’t believe the words that had come out of his lips. He knew as well as she did that the chances of some girl just taking him back to their house to be kind was slim. She held her shoulders out straighter, confirming within herself that he would’ve been taken advantage of the same way she would’ve been if Jason and his goon had driven her back.

“She was going to use you.” She spoke slowly, giving him time to take her words in. A grin cracked upon his angry lips and she stared at him. She was beginning to realize just how dangerous his coping habits were.

“Not like you should care anyways, you’re not my girlfriend.” His voice was harsh but his words were true. She wasn’t his girlfriend, but did that mean she shouldn’t care what happens to him? What did they qualify as? Because she certainly wasn’t going to sit here and tell him that she cared because she was his sister, since she did not view herself in that way. She also wasn’t going to refer to them as friends since she was sure they were far away from that. They were mixed somewhere in the middle, unsure of what exactly to label them as.

“You weren’t in your right mind to make a decision,” She responded slowly, feeling pretty silly saying that as he stared at her through a bruised eye, “Billy, you don’t deserve that. It’s disgusting.” She reached for him without thinking, watching as he jerked his hand far away from her. She let her hands dangle awkwardly to her sides as he looked at her furious.

“I don’t need some girl to protect me. I know what I’m fucking doing. Mind your own damn business.” All she could do was stare at him, frozen to the spot when he pushed past her. She wasn’t sure where it had gone wrong or what she had said to set him off so badly. She flinched when his door slammed behind him. She hoped Max ignored it, that whatever she was doing was too important to be bothered by one of his tantrums. She didn’t know how she would explain how his mood had changed so suddenly without bringing up all of their issues. 

She tried not to remain bitter as she walked towards her own room, completely unsure if she was in the right or wrong. She didn’t think she deserved to be yelled at after she took care of him last night. She could’ve left him there, let him leave with Tina.

Even though she was in a bad mood, she couldn’t imagine actually doing those things to Billy. He may drive her crazy but she knew he didn’t deserve any of that. There must be something else bothering him that was causing him to lash out, she decided. He always seemed to be at the root of her conflicting emotions.

She sat at the edge of her bed, wondering if she was actually acting like a girlfriend. She wasn’t trying to push herself on him. She also didn’t think it was wrong for her to assume that Tina would do something vile, the same way that he was convinced that Tommy would put something in her drink. She was beginning to think that this was all too complicated, that more and more things were sneaking into their relationship when it shouldn’t be happening. 

“Kim,” She looked up to see Billy leaning against the doorway, peering in at her unsure. She laid her chin back on the pillows, raising her middle finger high so he could get the hint and leave, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have blamed you earlier.” She pulled her pillow closer to her chest as she looked up at him. He looked remorseful as he shuffled his feet towards the edge of her bed, clearly looking uncomfortable. She knew for sure that this was the first time she had ever heard him apologize without being forced to do so.

“Okay.” She said slowly watching as he pushed his blonde hair out of his face. She watched as he curled his lip and scrunched his nose and turned to look back at the floor. He looked pretty pitiful at the moment, but she wasn’t going to let it go so easily. She was still bitter, and she was very petty. She wasn't going to forgive him this time unless he actually apologized to her. She was unsure if he would actually do so, as he wasn't one to ever admit that he had been wrong. 

“Look, I’m not the best at emotions or handling them. Except for anger,” He mumbled, “I shouldn’t have gotten mad. I’m just trying to look out for you, but I guess I did a sucky job at that. I shouldn't have left you alone and I'm really sorry for that.” He sounded bitter as he spoke, but not like he was angry at her. He seemed to be more upset with himself and she found her anger slowly fading away. She didn't really want him to be mad at himself, realizing that he had been wrong was more than enough for her. She sighed and sat up so she could look at him better. She was surprised he had even opened up to her, usually they would fight and then pretend like nothing happened. She thought that this was at least a start, he was attempting to speak with her. Maybe, maybe she wasn’t conflicting her emotions after all. She didn’t want to push him away; she liked having him so close to her. 

“Billy, that’s not your fault,” She spoke truthfully about both situations. She knew why he had anger issues, and he really couldn’t be blamed for how Jason and his friend had acted. The same way she couldn’t be blamed for how they had acted towards her, “They’re just creeps. I don’t like that your friends with them, but I can’t control that.” She felt like it wasn’t fair to make him feel like that was entirely his fault. He had insisted that when Neil beat him, she had nothing to do with it, yet she had only looked out for herself. She wondered if these situations were even similar or if she was just grasping at straws. His eyes snapped up towards her suddenly and she was worried she had managed to say something wrong again. 

“They’re not my friends and they’re going to regret ever touching you.” He looked at her seriously. She frowned, reaching out to place her hands against his as she shook her head no. She had thought about what Billy would have done to them last night, but that was long gone. She just wanted to forget that it had ever happened. She turned his hand in hers gently, noticing the fresh, red marks painting across his knuckles. She sighed softly, wondering if his hands would ever heal. She thought that he needed a better way to handle his anger rather than punching things.

“Please don’t make this a big deal. I’m fine, they really didn’t do anything.” She bit back the acid taste forming in her mouth.  She didn't quite believe her words either, but she wasn't sure she wanted Billy to make a big deal out of it at the same time. She was afraid of what people would say about her if they found out. She was sure that no one would believe her over someone as popular as Jason. It scared her thinking about dealing with the fallout. She believed if she stayed quiet then the two boys would too and no one else would ever know about it. He looked at her unsure as he shifted his fingers until he interlocked their hands together. She felt her heart thumping harshly as she absorbed the feeling from him. She didn’t like fighting with him. She liked the way that they felt right now, as if they were all alone from the rest of the world. She felt the shivers racing down her back when he spoke again. 

“Still,” He leaned down until his face was close to hers, “I don’t like people touching what’s mine.” She blinked, looking into his blue eyes worriedly. She really didn't want this to become a big deal as she felt herself beginning to protest, but Billy quickly cut her off again. HIs lips pressed against hers urgently, cupping the base of her neck as he pulled her closer to him. She leaned forward on her knees, holding onto his forearms as his lips slid against hers in a desperate manner. She quickly pulled away, not wanting this to go any further at the moment.

"Billy, you left me." Kim was all too aware of hot pitiful and sad she sounded. She could forgive him, but her feelings were still hurt. HIs thumb traced over the side of her cheek, looking down at her with an emotion she didn't recognize dancing in his eyes. She wondered if he did feel bad at all or if he was just doing this to get back in her pants.

"I know," He finally said, leaning forward again to place a gentle kiss against her nose. She was taken aback on how sweet he was acting again. He really confused her, "It won't happen again. I promise. I'll make it up to you somehow." He added after a moment, sealing their lips together in a soft kiss. She decided to accept his apology. It wasn't much, but it was more than what she was used to. She wanted to believe that he meant it. 

"Okay," She held his hands gently in hers again, looking up at him sincerely, "I forgive you." 

Next Chapter

[prying-pandora666]

My Azula Diagnosis Analysis Part 6: Borderline Personality Disorder

As the master post I wrote was too long, I’ve divided it into parts. Find them all here.

Sick of bad armchair diagnosis for Azula? Me too! So in this thread let’s discuss Azula’s most commonly “diagnosed” illnesses and disorders, and find out what she actually meets the criteria for, if any.

Does Azula have borderline personality disorder?

This is an extremely misunderstood and stigmatized condition. The name itself is a relic from a time when psychiatry was still identifying and classifying mental illnesses and personality disorders (only two classifications existed at the time, now we have three), meaning BPD was named because it had overlap with some other conditions but didn’t fully fit any of them.

As such it was called borderline. Today some experts suggest the name should be updated, as it’s name is often misunderstood to mean that a person is only on the borderline of having a personality disorder, or that they’re borderline psychotic.

Neither is the case. Borderline Personality Disorder is it’s own unique and complex condition. Although it is famously known for being amongst the most difficult or even impossible to treat, patients who do manage to commit to treatment have a much better prognosis than many other PDs.

BPD Claims

—There aren’t any as far as I’ve seen. This isn’t a condition people label Azula with, surprisingly, as she conforms to it way more closely than more commonly cited PDs such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopathy).

So Does Azula have Borderline Personality Disorder?

As always, PDs are complicated and don’t express exactly the same way for every person. So let’s look at the symptoms considered diagnostically significant.

—An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection: Azula embodies this very well. She is terrified of being discarded by Ozai, and objects to being treated like the rejected child when Ozai finally does so. “You can’t treat me like this! You can’t treat me like Zuko!” She also uses fear and manipulation to keep her friends and brother close, as she is terrified that she is inherently unloveable and there is no other way. “What choice do I have?” “Fear is the only way.” It is unclear to what extent Ursa actually rejected her daughter and how much was perceived that way, but either way Azula certainly is deeply wounded by the perception of having been unloved and abandoned by her mother.

—A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel: To a certain extent, yes, with Zuko. Though she doesn’t idealize him, Azula does risk a lot to help her brother in her own twisted, manipulative way, and is even the first to tell him he doesn’t need Ozai to restore his honor and can do so himself. She also protects him when they’re home, calming him down when he has outbursts and keeping his visits to Iroh secret and warning him to be more careful. However, Azula spins on a dime once Zuko lies to her about Aang, setting him up to take the fall, and reacts even more poorly when he betrays her to join the Avatar, going so far as to attempt to kill him. She repeats this pattern in the comics, alternating between wanting Zuko to be on her side and protecting him one moment, and causing him significant problems the next. She also idealizes her father and strives to please him in The Show, but has lost all interest in him by Smoke and Shadow, content to let him rot in prison.

—Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all: We don’t know much about Azula’s self-identity in The Show as she never expresses her own wants outside of serving Ozai. She has, however, internalized herself as an unloveable monster due to her estranged relationship with her mother, and in the comics she is a mess trying to figure out her destiny.

—Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours: This happens during her breakdown in The Show and again in The Search. What’s significant about this symptom is that it can disappear entirely when under less stressful conditions, making Azula’s hallucinations and delusions much more in-line with BPD than, say, schizophrenia.

—Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship: Azula is a calculating person and doesn’t engage in such risky behaviors usually. After her breakdown she gets increasingly impulsive and erratic, but as this could be true of anyone after a psychotic break, it’s not necessarily symptomatic. What makes it more likely is that her more erratic and risky behavior continues on into the comics.

—Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection: While Azula never makes such threats, she does act suicidally after the rejection of her brother and two friends. She almost dies going after Zuko and agrees to an Agni Kai when she can barely stand.

—Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety: After her breakdown, this becomes common for her.

—Ongoing feelings of emptiness: Very much so, as demonstrated by her argument with “mirror Ursa” in The Show, culminating in her sobbing alone in a nearly empty palace.

—Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights: Azula’s anger is usually much better controlled than, say, her brother. After her breakdown she loses this control. But even discounting the psychotic break, Azula is often sarcastic and sometimes bitter, especially regarding the topic of family.

—BPD is more commonly diagnosed in women and correlated with higher intelligence: Not really diagnostic, but it is interesting.

Conclusion: Azula fits every symptom at least partially. It’s a distinct possibility she suffers from BPD, which would explain the intense emotions (and suffering) she goes through, as people with BPD are prone to feel emotional pain very strongly to the point of suicidality. This is likely a symptom of abuse, as Azula has had to keep her feelings tightly controlled to protect herself from her abusive father, who has shown what he does to those who display weakness. As such, she hasn’t actually developed emotional regulation, and the lack of proper healthy attachment with either of her parents in childhood has left her with deep psychological insecurities that affect her ability to form and keep relationships despite being otherwise charismatic and highly capable of empathizing with others.

However, there is a complication. Other conditions (such as CPTSD) can masquerade as BPD. But unlike BPD which is a lifelong condition etched into your very developmental neurology, CPTSD is more treatable, and it is possible for symptoms to reduce heavily or even desist altogether in some cases.

The best we can say is that BPD is the most likely personality disorder for Azula to have. If indeed she has one at all.

[ghosts-of-love]

I would love a director’s commentary on the Quick and the Dead (wow seasonal) and a 🌟 for Lost then Found

hello!! thank youuuu <3 <3

i'm not sure i can do a director's commentary on the entirety of tqatd so will just go for the first chapter! i'm gonna read it now and write down my thoughts as i go along:

I remember being really unsure about how much detail to put in the ao3 summary about Cap being a vampire or whether to keep it vague. I think I found a nice middle ground – some people know from the get-go and some people start chapter two and are like “omg that’s what this is” and I enjoy that!

always proud of using the word trepidatious in the first line :)

oh I’ve tried to explain this before but I do really like the alternating perspectives in this fic – it’s the first one I’ve written where the different perspectives are included in the same story and I like choosing which bits to overlap and which bits characters would want to skirt past. I also just enjoy the different ways that Pat and Cap speak and think!

Obsessed with how immediately unwelcoming Cap is, it’s hilarious.

The smells of rosemary and lavender lingering after all this time 🥺🥺 Heather my beloved

“The facade is 16th century.” He explains tiredly, “And Henry VIII actually dined here once.” → one thing about me is that I LOVE including actual lines from the show! i will always find a way to shoehorn my favourite bits (because then you know exactly how they would be said, although in this instance i've given Cap some of Alison's lines haha)

Pat could probably live five lifetimes before finishing every book in this bloody house. Hehehoho minor foreshadowing.

“I don't want…” The Captain pauses at Pat’s bedroom door with a resigned slump to his shoulders, “I don’t want to toot our own horn but some say this is the finest house in the county.” He says quickly.  AND AGAIN with the lines from the show!!

the Captain opens the boot, but not before he flinches slightly at the little ‘bib bib’ noise that it makes. Choosing which modern technology will scare or confuse the Captain is great fun :D

I just wanted Cap to be as endearing as possible and also largely terrible at pretending to be a normal human, on account of he spent the last 70 odd years in the company of a witch and some ghosts. (this is in response to him pretending that the box of books is heavy)

love the phrase “bitter gusto” – such a Pat-in-his-feelings-trying-to-unpack-his-car-and-see-the-bright-side kind of vibe

him cutting his hand on the grater was what prompted me to think about and then write the other hand scene in the later chapters. (more on that later in response to a different ask)

but the whole garden has obviously long since been forgotten. OUCH I forgor about this

He leans against the counter, looking more relaxed than Pat has seen him all day. Love the fact that Cap saw some blood and immediately had to yeet himself away to feed and then became more normal and friendly after that lol

the whole bit where they’re trying to fix the water pressure and the captain is SOOOO obviously asking the plague ghosts and Pat just thinks he’s scared, it gets me every time. I can see it so clearly in my mind. The ‘gah!’ noise is like the same thing he does in the show in response to Jemima I think? Or at least it meant to have the same vibe.

He’s sure the Captain smiles back at him, but he can’t have noticed him because he just…keeps walking until they both knock into each other roughly. This also makes me laugh a lot!! another symptom of the captain only having lived with ghosts for a long time.

The TV already being on when Pat wants to eat his noodles is because Kitty is the one watching West Side Story (love how Pat says it’s not his favourite musical) – she also goes and tells the Captain that Pat has fallen asleep and that ‘he might get lost trying to get back to his room in the dark, Captain!!’

“Sleep well.” He tells him.//The Captain smiles at him like they’re sharing a private joke. He’s so silly and endearing I love him!!

🌟 for lost then found - I actually reread most of it yesterday because I saw a photo of Larry wearing glasses while reading from the ghosts book and I vaguely thought to myself “hey his glasses are similar to the Captain’s. And then I paused and reminded myself that the Captain doesn’t wear glasses and got confused because I was sure I’d had this conversation with myself before and was imagining both Humphrey and the Captain wearing similar glasses and I finally realised it’s because I fucking wrote it in Lost then Found that they have the same glasses!! extremely silly behaviour of me but a part of the fic that I do like because it sits nicely in the ‘Cap is slowly opening up and getting to know people’ bit I think, in that he’s choosing to wear the glasses in front of people, and helping Humphrey out with school stuff.

Fanfic Writers: Director's Cut

[the-stabbiest-dragon]

hi, I saw you say this term in a post about biphobia, and I wonder: what does ‘bi lesbian’ mean ? I’m new here and I’m also not from western countries so I’ve never actually heard of any dynamic terms in the lgbtq+ community. I would appreciate being educated on the matter thank you 🙏🏾

hey, no problem! essentially, it's just one of many ways people will combine labels when they feel like they overlap, or that both describe their identity in different ways. lgbtq+ labels were invented to describe shared experiences, rather than sort people into neat little boxes, and because humans are so complicated and diverse very few of us actually fit into one label perfectly. for most of the bi lesbians I know or have seen on here, it means that although they have attraction to multiple genders, either the main focus of their attraction is sapphic or wlw, or they strongly identify with other aspects of lesbian culture (butch lesbian culture especially has been historically tied to various trans and nonbinary identities, particularly in the states) because of a bunch of factors to do with small but vocal exclusionist and separatist groups in the queer community and lesbian community in particular, people who get more fluid with their labels specifically around lesbianism get a lot of negative attention, which sucks. sorry if this was kind of a lot, but thank you for asking!

[theangryjikooker]

I'm not sure if jkkrs were bringing up silver day before this, but there was a twitter post semi-recently where a jkkr pointed out that on silver day last year (during the JITB party) Jimin wore the POLYC bracelet that JK also owns, and it was the first time we saw Jimin wearing the silver necklace he wore consistently for months. And I guess coupled with that shot of them huddled up with their hands overlapping at the party, some jkkrs thought it could mean something. I'm not saying I agree, but I did see the post and noticed an uptick of jkkrs placing significance on silver day out of nowhere (although... could just be because silver day was recently too).

For me, I started noticing the reverence of Silver Day as recent as last week, maybe two weeks ago. But in all fairness, when I go on my disappearing acts, I’m legitimately offline unless it’s for work. No social media for yours truly.

But even during the JitB party, wherein I was active, I didn’t see any references to Silver Day. I was aware that people were noticing the POLYC bracelet, but it was your standard matching jewelry observations. If Silver Day was mentioned as early as that, it wasn’t nearly as pervasive as what I’ve seen recently.

From my POV, the first time I saw Silver Day mentioned, it was presented like it was new information for Jkkrs. Then, I saw it again from a moderately big account, who also acted like it was an important realization for Jkkrs. From there, I started seeing people mentioning it more often. The fact it picked up steam because all of a sudden known accounts were pointing it out made it seem too suspect.

The most damning indication for me? My asks are scarily accurate of the circulating Jikook narratives, past and current. Even if I don’t talk about something, someone will inevitably bring up specific details to prove a point, especially when it’s relevant (e.g., White Day/Silver Day are often brought up together, and White Day is a familiar topic here). If Silver Day was as prevalent in the Jikook narrative earlier on, I guarantee someone would have already pointed it out because a lot of my more antagonistic anons are frequently very keen to prove me wrong at any given moment (which is really funny because as the daughter of a retired attorney, I have a particular thought process that conflicts with the Jkkr majority and what they choose to base their conclusions on).

(The POLYC bracelet has been mentioned before but on its own!)

Since you mentioned it, I thought the craze of their overlapping hands was a little funny? I personally didn’t understand it because when I watched it—and I re-watched it again just now—it didn’t seem like it was intentional? I get that they were doing the same pose, but I think the hand placement was incidental. This is purely my own perception, though!

[hopecomesbacktolife]

you’ve inspired me to watch star trek BUT i have a big question:

where do i start????

i’ve heard next generation is great but i also wanna know what the deal is with gay kirk and spock so??? what do you think???

first off, thank you! what a compliment, Star Trek really is great! You have so much wonderful stories ahead of you ♡

One of the many wonderful things about it is that you can start almost anywhere and enjoy it. TOS is where it all began (with Kirk and Spock, and yes, so gay) but some people may find it too campy as a place to start. Instead of starting at the beginning of TOS, if spirk is what you’re looking for you can start with Amok Time, which is one of the shippiest episodes for them :D

In between and overlapping with subsequent shows are the TOS movies— a lot of people will tell you that the odd numbered movies are bad and the even numbered movies are good, but I disagree. I truly love all of movies 1-4, and even 5 and 6 have delightful moments although they’re less comforting to me as a whole. The fourth movie, The Voyage Home, is also a wonderful place to start for lighthearted and absolutely lovely shenanigans and time travel and also not-so-subtle calls to action on animal welfare and environmental consciousness! It’s so good. 10/10.

TNG/next gen is a very accessible place to start, that was my first Trek and it’s what got me into the series! If you do start with TNG, rather than starting right at the beginning, I’d recommend starting with Measure Of A Man, Darmok, or one of the Dixon Hill episodes— or any of the episodes with Ro Laren. The Next Phase is really awesome and feels very quintessential Trek.

DS9 and Voyager are each a little special/unique from most of trek, as DS9 is a stationary (most of the time) space station positioned near the planet Bajor, and Voyager is flung into another quadrant of the galaxy and essentially cut off from the rest of Starfleet. For both of them starting at the beginning is pretty essential to understanding what happens as it goes along. They’re both excellent and I love them both for different reasons! With DS9 you get more long, multi-episode story arcs and the luxury of exploring the complexity of a culture ravaged by war over an entire show, allowing them to really dive into the Bajoran culture, it’s awesome. Voyager is some of The Most found family I’ve ever seen, it’s beautifully optimistic and intimately sad all at the same time, with some truly gorgeous and incredible character arcs (although the same could be said of the ds9 characters! Truly so good on both shows)

I still haven’t seen all of Trek myself, so once we get into content made in this century (all of the above was made in the 20th century!) I can’t speak as much to or recommend something specific—with the caveat that I’ve seen the first 9 episodes or so of Prodigy, and really loved it so far, as a spin-off of Voyager.

Also, if you decide you enjoy Star Trek on screen, oh my, I have So Many Star Trek novel suggestions! I have been getting so into the (secondary canon?) books and it is literally so much fun and such a joy, and I’ve found a new favorite author in the process (hi Diane Duane! ♡) there’s so much wonderful storytelling and achingly beautiful content in Trek novels!

If you want more specific episode suggestions from a certain show/era I’m more than happy to help! Thank you so much for this ask, Star Trek is truly such a delight, and I’m always down to chat about it 😊 I hope you enjoy, and Live Long and Prosper 🖖🏻

[earisu1]

The Imps Mystery, and Orphans-wearing-bags (part 3 & 4)

Original date of the posts: 7 & 9 of January, 2008 Disclaimer applied.

Part 3

“In my post “The Imps Mystery, and Orphans-wearing-bags (Part 2)” I wrote the following:

“…when pig-imps are introduced into the game for the very first time, we are shown a view into the pig’s mouth that shows a plain imp inside of the pig-imp, wearing the pig-exterior like a costume. Although we aren’t shown an orphan wearing the pig-exterior, the idea IS put forward associating imps with costume-wearing. I think that some of the bird-imps also look like plain imps wearing a bird-costume. I suggest that the idea here of an imp wearing an imp costume is a fantasy embellishment of the idea that the orphans are wearing imp costumes.”

We can see this idea that the animal-imps are costumes worn by plain imps by taking a close look at the pictures that I have included with this post.

If you look carefully at the goat-imp at the place where the neck and the shoulder meet, you’ll see that the goat-head, even though very realistic looking, is actually a bag-like mask worn over the imp’s head. The neck of this bag is not flush with the imp’s body; the edges of the bag can be seen to stick out from the body of the imp.

Similarly with the pig-imp, the head can be seen to be a bag-like mask, part of which overlaps the rope which wraps around the pig-imp’s body.

The bird-imp, like the goat-imp and the pig-imp, is also formed by a costume worn by an ordinary imp.

Take a look at the picture of the bird-imp below.

I think that when we are shown that the various animal imps are costumes worn by the plain imps, this is a fantasy-elaboration of the idea that, in Jennifer’s real past, the “imps” were just the orphan children wearing costumes… particularly, the orphans wearing bags over their heads, some of which had animal faces drawn on them.“

Part 4

“In “The Mermaid Princess” chapter of Rule of Rose, one can find a lot of imps that look like the one in the picture that accompanies this post. In past posts I’ve referred to this type of imp as a “plain imp” or an “ordinary imp.”

Notice that the right eye hole (they have black holes rather than eyes) of the ordinary imp is much larger than the left hole.

One can also find, in “The Mermaid Princess” chapter, many imps that wear bags over their heads that have squared-edges. If you look at the eye-holes of these bags you will notice that the right eye-hole of the bag is much larger than the left eye-hole.

I think that the imp-faces of the regular imps are just dream-fantasy elaborations of Jennifer’s returning memories of the bags that the orphans wore over their heads. The imps have eye-holes rather than eyes because bags have eye-holes rather than eyes.

I also think that the large right eye-holes of the square-edged bags worn by imps are reflected by the existence of the large right eye-hole of the regular imps, and that this is a way used by the authors of the Rule of Rose game to show us that these eye-holes are equivalent. In other words, at least one of the other orphans, in Jennifer’s forgotten past, must’ve been sloppy in making eye-holes for their bags, making eye-hole sizes that weren’t uniform in size… so Jennifer sees the ordinary imps the same way, with eye-holes that aren’t uniform in size.

In particular, Jennifer must have subconsciously remembered seeing an orphan that wore a bag which had the right eye-hole larger than the left, so in her dream she sees the ordinary imps that way… and when she starts to remember that bags worn over the head have something to do with the existence of the imps, Jennifer then sees the the imps as wearing bags with a large right eye-hole.

What do you think? Does this explanation make sense to you?”

NOTES: nice attention to detail, if this is deliberate and not a mere coincidence, game devs thought about everything right.

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

I know the feeling of "my feelings aren't 'feeling-y,' I just feel some specific kind of way right now" has been the source of endless frustration in my life, and I know that for some people it is worse for them than just feeling a way.

But I've found that these experiences have been kind of rare for me. Maybe I just have not had the same set of life experiences that produce the kind of things that can be said to be "feelings."

I guess for one thing I've been lucky in that I am naturally really good at compartmentalizing and controlling how much time I devote to thinking about or talking about things. I'm not sure how to describe what I'm doing here, but the main source of my life satisfaction is being able to spend some time "doing things" for reasons that don't really need to be justified, and also because I happen to love the kinds of things I do.

That has been pretty much the only life skill I've been really good at teaching myself. It's been hard to describe "compartmentalizing" as a life skill, because it just comes with the territory. You have to compartmentalize. You have to get your thinking organized. You have to develop good executive function so you don't just stay in one "thought-mode" and keep getting your life controlled by it.

I guess you can say this kind of thing is a skill, but in a very different way from other, non-skill-y, traits that people may find annoying or endearing about me. I have to think about my life when I'm not being busy thinking about work, so it seems less like I've just gotten distracted. I don't seem like the kind of person who gets sucked into daydreaming, and yet I do, and I think this is something that is just part of my personal narrative, not something I've just learned to do.

I guess there's also the thing about my particular personality which I think is related to this: I'm a very "systematizing" person in an unusual way. I've seen various people say that it is not normal or healthy to be "obsessed" with the details of some field -- to want to really understand a thing -- to want to do lots of careful research for reasons like "to know as much as I can about it." I suppose it's kind of hard to know how to square that idea with the fact that lots of people seem to want to know things about specific areas of science or literature, but for any scientific or literary topic I think it's totally normal for me to say that I "just want to know as much as I can about it." To some extent I've always had this inclination, and I'm still "obsessed" by various things, although these days it seems less relevant to what I do in my life, or at least it's less relevant to my life on tumblr -- I've moved on to other things that are a little less obsessive.

There's some obvious overlap between this attitude and the kind of interest in abstract theorizing that I was talking about last night -- it involves the same kind of fascination with the details of a thing, a kind of intense desire to make yourself the master of this thing. (The analogy there is: if you want to make the best sandwich in the world, you are going to study the way sandwiches are made as intensely as you can; you may not know much about how sandwiches taste, and you probably won't make the best sandwich in the world.) I suppose part of the reason I've always had such an intense drive to study (in a nerdy way) is that I can tell myself "I wish to be master of [thing]," and that makes it seem more appealing than it might be otherwise, even though I do know that "the way a sandwich is made" is not as interesting to me as "what kinds of things you can do with some ingredients and a sandwich maker," etc.

[acetechne]

occurs to me i forgot to aggregate the butter tart responses

cherisezed

a. depends on the recipe b. yes but pecan butter tarts > raisin butter tarts although both are good lol

roniebuttercups

idk about the corn syrup... I've heard about raisins but pecan or plain is the most popular from what I've seen and heard.

carnasnow 

me seeing the words butter tart for the 129th time#and finally looking it up#they look like mini sugar pies#which is making me curious#DO THEY TASTE THE SAME#if i separate my sugar pie recipe into smaller portions does that count as butter tart then

@cherisezed​ @roniebuttercups​ @carnasnow​

okay so why i was thinking about this is because i am a fiend for desserts and learning to make them and this is one thing my mum is very passionate about haha. a few notes under the cut for anyone interested.

pecans / raisins and tarte au sucre

this sort of but not really surprised me - generally i put raisins in because i am a freak who likes them, and generally when i see adaptations of butter tarts (in ice cream form, for example) the discourse is always about whether or not to add raisins. THIS SAID: butter tarts, american pecan pie and quebec tarte au sucre DO have a shared origin I’m certain, so it’s not surprising there is sharing/overlap in the ingredients there. I do think butter tarts are the gooiest of the three and also usually the smallest, the filling should be a bit runny. Also I think maple syrup is more likely to appear in some tarte au sucre recipes, i rarely see it in butter tarts.

the original recipe (below) mentions adding currants (and imho an amount that’s a Lot for my taste lol)

syrup

my mum insists that corn syrup is Not a component of butter tarts when i suggested we make them and kept shooting down every recipe i brought up. The ONLY recipe we could find that did not use corn syrup was from a WWII cookbook!

anyway since you’re all no doubt wanting a nice butter tart around now - sorry to say that I don’t have the (adapted) wwii recipe on me (but I’ll try to dig it up). I do have the one cited as the OG from Mrs. Malcolm Macleod of Barrie and it does not have corn syrup.

and on that subject i want to reassure you - butter tarts are super easy to make! my unsolicited advice is to buy a ton of tart shells (frozen food aisle), keep them in the freezer, and make the filling whenever you have a craving (it also makes a good topping for other things like ice cream...) [arts and crafts show voice] HERE’S SOME I MADE EARLIER

you can get premade filling in the baking aisle of superstore or loblaws or what have you - i can’t vouch for it and prefer to make this kind of stuff from scratch, it just takes a little time to stir on the stove and a little time in the oven and you’re good B) don’t burn the sugar

oh and i want to link the Rock Recipes version not because I’ve tried it yet but because it clearly demonstrates the gooey runny-ness of a good butter tart... and the proper thick crust... yes...