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chackyxyooj · 9 months

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You Never Valued Your Own Desires

No Manga Spoilers Present! - Modern AU

WC ~ 9,000

“You say you love the rain but open your umbrella as it pours. That’s why I’m scared when you say I love you.”

There are an endless amount of reasons behind why any one person might tell a lie. Whether that reason boils down to protecting others or protecting themselves, people will lie. There are, of course, situations in which lying is the best course of action, but there likely doesn’t exist a kind of lie that is completely harmless. No matter the reason, someone will be hurt by the lies we tell.

Why, then, would people lie?

If the inevitable consequence of telling a lie is hurting someone, does that automatically make the liar a bad person?

Is it, after all, fair to condemn someone who lies? Among the many reasons a person might have to lie, how can we truly decide whether or not a lie makes someone a bad person?

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

Ever since you were young, you never understood how people could have favourite seasons - well more specifically, how people could bear to choose a single one. Each quarter of the year offered you different experiences and you could never find it in your heart to choose one over the other. How could you say that you loved the playful days of summer more than the cozy nights of winter? How could you ever say that the beautiful colours of autumn were worth more to you than the stunning beginnings of spring? People often agreed with your points of view, yet many people still found that they could favour one season over the other. In the end, you would only ever answer that question one way.

“My favourite season is whichever season is happening right now.”

The older lady smiled at you a bit quizzically, but handed you a bright yellow net. You grinned as you received the net, turning to meet the gaze of your companion.

“This is a summer festival, not a fancy interview. Why didn’t you just tell her that your favourite season was summer?” The older boy asked.

You crossed your arms. “Because then I’d be lying and lying is bad.”

“You don’t even have a favourite season so technically you were lying anyway.”

“That’s not true!” You retorted. “All of the seasons are my favourite!”

“If all of them are your favourite then you don’t really have a favourite.”

“Not true!”

“Is true.”

“No it’s not.”

“Yes it is.”

“I bet you’re just saying that because I got the last yellow net and you didn’t.”

“I only chose something else ‘cause I knew you’d say summer was your favourite. Besides, I bet you’re just saying that they’re all your favourite ‘cause you’re indecisive.” The boy teased, earning a small pout from you. Before you could think of a witty response, the older boy kneeled down and positioned his own net above the pool of water in front of him. “First one to catch a fish wins!”

“Hey! That’s not how this works!” You argued, but the boy was already attempting to scoop a fish. “If you’re going to make this a competition, you can’t start before me!” You whined.

The older boy grinned at you. “You snooze, you lose.”

You watched as he quickly dipped his net below the water and scooped upward again - to no avail. You noticed how the older boy’s eyes momentarily flickered toward you as if to ask ‘did you see that?’ You weren’t sure what kind of message the grin on your face had sent him, but you imagine that it said something like ‘definitely.’

After watching the boy fail to catch anything, you decided to catch one for yourself.

The reflection of the lanterns overhead made it harder to find a fish that you wanted to catch. Then again, you didn’t think your choice mattered since your parents wouldn’t let you keep it anyway. As you honed in on a fish to catch, the other sounds and sensations of the festival began to dwindle.

You lowered your net into the water. The fish you were eyeing slowly came closer toward you and you carefully moved your net towards it. Just as you were within scooping distance, your companion’s sudden movements caused the fish to frighten.

“Hey!” You whined, “you’re scaring all the fish away.”

“I won’t catch the fish if I don’t move quickly.”

“You’re not catching any fish anyway.”

“I was closer than you were.”

“Oh yeah? Well I’m not the one whose kimono is half drenched.” You pointed out, making the boy look down at his chest. “Your mom’s not gonna be happy about that.”

Panicked, the boy searched through his pockets for something or other. You chuckled as you watched the boy’s panic-filled motions, pulling your handkerchief from your own pocket.

You gently pressed the fabric against the damp sections of cloth the older boy wore. You could feel the dampness of the boy’s Kimono seep into the handkerchief. It was rather cold against your hand.

As you were about to lift your gaze, the older boy snatched away your handkerchief and turned away from you. “I can do that myself! You don’t need to act like my mom…”

“Oh… sorry.” You apologised, but it didn’t feel like you meant it. You had just been trying to do a nice thing. You didn’t think the older boy would get so upset with you for such a trivial matter. Then again, you had entered his personal space without consulting him first. So perhaps you did mean your apology?

As your focus eventually trailed back to the small pool in front of you, you noticed that a fish was close enough to catch.

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

“Oh, (L/n)-san, you’re back. I hope you’re feeling better.”

You smiled politely at the pharmacist from your side of the counter. “I’m not back to perfect health just yet, but I’m certainly feeling better than before.” You replied as you handed your prescription over to the pharmacist. They looked over the paper briefly before looking up at you again.

“You must be doing well if they’re taking you off of your painkillers. I’m glad.”

You nodded to be polite, but didn’t reply otherwise.

“I should be able to gather up your antibiotics in about ten minutes. Is that alright?”

“Yes, that’s fine. Thank you very much.” As you turned away from the counter, you accidentally bumped into the person who had been standing in line behind you. Despite giving an immediate apology, the person you’d bumped into muttered something beneath their breath. You couldn’t make out what they had said, but for some reason it irritated you. Although you usually considered yourself as a very levelheaded person, you found it quite difficult to bite back a response as you walked away.

In your haste to get away you had walked in the opposite direction of where you had meant to go, but you weren’t about to turn around after the encounter you’d just had. From your interactions with others to the very weather, it didn’t seem like much was going your way today. Another minor inconvenience would only make this day go from bad to worse.

You walked around in the small pharmacy to bide your time. Perhaps you could buy something for yourself to make up for the unpleasant interaction from earlier.

As you scanned over the options that the pharmacy offered, a particular candy caught your eye. It was one that your childhood friend used to share with you whenever they had the chance. Speaking of which, you couldn’t help but wonder what that friend of yours was doing now. He had moved to Tokyo with his parents just after he finished elementary school.

Back then it had always been you, him and one other boy. The three of you were practically inseparable, though that was probably because all three of your parents knew the others well. Although you had lost contact with your two childhood friends, the bonds and memories of them resonated deeply within your heart. You couldn’t say with certainty if you could still be as close with them as you had been before, but that notion could never taint the memories you had.

As you reached for the candy, another hand reached toward it at the same time.

You immediately pulled away and kept your gaze down as you apologised. You waited for the other person to take the candy first, but they didn’t. How irritating. Perhaps this was just a sign that you would never get that candy for yourself.

You reached for a different treat the stranger, for some reason, had reached for the same thing as you yet again.

As you pulled away this time, you looked up at this pesky stranger.

Speak of the devil and thou shall appear.

“Long time no see, huh?”

You could feel your lips curling into a smile at the familiar voice. Even if it wasn’t for his peachy hair or lavender eyes, you could never forget that cheeky grin of his - that certain smile he’d give every time he saw you. “Sabito!” you greeted eagerly. “It’s been forever! How are you?”

The older boy, your childhood friend who’d moved away so many years ago, grinned the same way you always remembered him doing. “Doing pretty alright.”

“Is that so? Well then, how is Tokyo treating you?”

“Tokyo? It’s uh… crowded I guess. I think I’m still waiting for it to grow on me. B-but what about you? Are you finally working hard now that you’re in highschool?”

“I’d like to believe that I’m not doing terribly. And for the record, I’ll have you know that I’ve always been a hard worker.” You insist.

“And that’s why I always had to tutor you in math, right?”

“Hey, just because I’m not the greatest at math doesn’t mean I wasn’t working hard! Besides, my mother only asked you to tutor me because you’re a year older than me.”

“You know what that sounds like?”

“What?”

“A skill issue.” The older boy teases.

At first you’re surprised, but you eventually find yourself laughing at Sabito’s antics. To be honest, you’d forgotten how easily he makes you laugh. After the long day you’d had, this was a welcomed change of pace. “It’s great to see you again, but what are you doing here?”

“My parents and I came back to town a little while ago… probably three weeks now?”

“Oh sorry, I didn’t mean why you’re in town, I meant to ask why you’re at the pharmacy?”

Sabito shrugs as he forces out a short laugh. “My grandfather needed someone to pick up his meds so my parents sent me. Seeing you again was a lucky surprise!”

“Is he alright? Your grandfather, I mean.”

“Oh, uhhh yeah… he’s just getting up there in age I think…” Sabito’s eyes suddenly dart away from you as he glances at the pharmacy counter, making you realise that your antibiotics were probably ready for you to pick up.

“It was wonderful to see you again, Sabito. We should catch up sometime.”

Sabito turns sharply to meet your gaze once more. “We should!” He agrees, though perhaps a bit louder than he’d intended to. “Did you want to go out for lunch tomorrow?”

You feel excited jitters rush into your body at the thought of catching up with Sabito, but something in the back of your mind holds you back. “I’d like to, but I think a storm is supposed to hit this area tomorrow. I’m not sure it would be a good idea to risk getting caught in the storm. Maybe next weekend?”

“Are you sure?” Whether consciously or unconsciously, a pout pulled at Sabito’s lips. You could tell that the moment he realised his expression was changing he tried to hide it, but he wasn’t very good at it. Something about the action sparked familiarity, but you couldn’t really put it into words. Perhaps Sabito has always been this way but child you never realised it? Either way, you couldn’t help but find his antics endearing.

“Well…” You pulled out your phone and checked the weather forecast for tomorrow. Not much had changed, but the storm wasn’t supposed to hit until the late evening. “Catching up does sound like a great time. Who am I to decline?”

“You're not just saying that to make me happy, right?”

“Of course not!” You assured the boy. “Does tomorrow at 11 o’clock work for you?”

“Yeah, 11 sounds doable.”

“Prefect. 11 o’clock it is.”

At that, Sabito breaks out into a grin. “Heck yeah! I’m so excited to-!”

“(L/n)-san, your medicine is ready!” The pharmacist called from the other side of the store, cutting Sabito’s excitement short. Still, as the older boy smiled you couldn’t help but smile with him.

“I’ll catch you tomorrow then?” You wondered.

“Of course!” Sabito replied. “Make sure you don’t forget about me.”

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

“Congratulations young lady!” the older woman who was overseeing the festival stand smiled at you. She very quickly kneeled down and held a plastic bag out in front of your net. You couldn’t help but watch in awe as the older woman tipped your fish into the bag and swiftly tied it. “Make sure to put it in a tank as soon as you get home, alright? You may not know it, but-”

Not really listening to the older woman, you grinned and nodded. You couldn’t remember the last time you had been this excited about something, let alone the last time you had beaten Sabito at something! When you turned around to meet the boy’s gaze, you couldn’t contain your excitement.

“Sabito, look! I caught one!”

The older boy didn’t quite meet the same level of excitement as you. He only nodded curtly and replied with a short “cool.” Before you could respond to the older boy’s indifference, he had returned his attention to the small pool and was back to his attempts at catching a fish.

“You should really try-”

“I know already! Just let me do this.” The boy snapped back.

Taken by surprise, you sat in silence and watched. Was he still upset about what you did earlier? Or was he now upset about the fact that he had technically lost to you? While on any other day you would’ve rubbed your victory in the boy’s face, you decided to keep it to yourself.

Between watching the fish scurry away from Sabito’s net and the boy’s growing frustrations, you couldn’t help but feel that something about your companion was off today. Although many people described the boy as hot headed, you’ve always known Sabito to be a very tender person. The last time he had been this snappy was when his grandfather was sick in the hospital - at least, you were pretty confident about that being the reason for his shift in mood.

Your eyes eventually trailed away from the older boy and to the fish you held. Its body was littered with a beautiful combination of golden and white splotches. You put your finger against the plastic bag and to your surprise, the fish turned to look at it.

“I think I wanna name you… Comet!” You grinned. “What do you think, Sabito? Is Comet a good name for-”

“(Y/n), can you stop-”

Both of your words were cut off as Sabito’s hand knocked into yours, sending your bagged fish tumbling onto the ground. At first neither of you said anything but as the bag tipped over and began spilling out, you began panicking.

As quickly as you could manage, you grabbed your bag and pushed the fish back inside. The festival bustled around you, indifferent to your smaller form as you checked on your fish. You mumbled apologies to the passersby and avoided eye contact as you scrambled to gather your bearings, nearly falling over several times.

"(Y/n)-!" Sabito chided. There was irritation evident in his tone, but the boy had clearly held back from full on lecturing you - which you were thankful for.

"I-I know. I'll be more careful…" you stammered, your eyes glued to the bag in your hand. You bit your lip, feeling a pang of guilt. But why were you feeling guilty? It wasn’t really your fault for dropping the fish, but you didn’t want to be so mean as to put the blame on Sabito, either. He clearly hadn’t meant to, right?

Sabito sighed, his gaze locked on the net he held in his hand. Confused by the sudden shift in his mood you tried to catch his eye, but Sabito avoided your gaze. You wanted to ask him what was wrong but you couldn’t find the words to do so.

Just as it seemed like Sabito was about to say something, the boy tossed aside his net and took your hand in his.

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

The next day, as the clock neared 11, you found yourself standing outside a quaint cafe where you and Sabito had agreed to meet. The anticipation built within you and you couldn't help but glance at your phone, checking the time repeatedly. Surprisingly enough, the weather was holding up well with no signs of the impending storm.

Just as you were about to step inside to escape the chilly breeze, you spotted Sabito approaching. His eyes brightened as he noticed you and a warm smile spread across his face.

"Hey (Y/n)!" Sabito greeted, quickening his pace to join you. "I was worried you might change your mind because of the weather."

You chuckled, "No, the storm seems to be holding off for a bit. Let's make the most of it while we can."

Sabito nodded and the two of you entered the cafe. The atmosphere was cozy, filled with the comforting aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the gentle hum of conversations.

As you settled into a corner booth the friendly banter between you and Sabito flowed effortlessly. The initial awkwardness melted away, replaced by the easy camaraderie of old friends catching up. The smile that had become a constant presence on Sabito's face was infectious, and soon you found yourself genuinely enjoying the moment.

Between sips of coffee and shared laughter, you couldn't help but marvel at how much Sabito had grown since your childhood days. The pout that made a brief appearance yesterday was long forgotten, replaced by a confident and charming demeanour.

As the conversation drifted, Sabito's expression turned thoughtful. "You know, (Y/n), I was looking through some old photos the other day. Found one of us from when we were kids. It brought back a flood of memories."

You leaned in, intrigued. "Really? I'd love to see it."

Sabito chuckled, "Maybe next time. But it got me thinking about how much has changed. Life takes unexpected turns, doesn't it?"

You nodded, "It sure does. But some things remain constant."

Sabito met your gaze, a softness in his eyes. "Yeah, some things do."

The cafe buzzed around you yet it felt like time had slowed down, allowing you and Sabito to reconnect in the most unexpected and delightful way. Little things about Sabito that you’d never noticed before began jumping out at you. Perhaps they were things that the boy had always done but you never noticed because you were young - well, younger.

You enjoyed listening to Sabito talk. The way he would slip out of his Tokyo dialect when he began talking about something passionately was certainly something new, but not unwelcome. The boy, however, would awkwardly apologise or laugh whenever he swapped.

For a moment, you wondered if you should tell him to stop apologising and to speak however he felt most comfortable. It wasn’t like you couldn’t understand what he was saying - you were familiar with both dialects, after all. Still, you didn’t think it was in your place to tell Sabito how to speak. You’d always kept unwarranted opinions to yourself and this was probably one of them.

“Do you want to go for a walk or something?”

You turned your gaze away from your drink abruptly, embarrassed to be caught spacing out. “As in right now?”

“When else would I be suggesting it, silly?”

“It sounds nice, but I don’t think we should be out and about when the storm hits.”

“But when’s the next time we’ll have an opportunity to hang out like this? Come on, please?”

You look at Sabito curiously. His behaviour was similar to yesterday but nothing like the young boy you remembered - or maybe this was exactly as you remembered? Three years was a long time. Besides, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to continue chatting too.

Despite your prior judgments, you agreed. It seemed that Sabito couldn’t be happier, too.

Before long, you and Sabito were walking the familiar paths you used to walk when you were kids. Aside from the running and playing, it was just like you remembered.

The two of you took turns talking about everything and nothing all at the same time. As you began spouting off about the strange weather, something about Sabito’s demeanour seemed to change - or perhaps it was just the weather itself? A cold breeze had made its way past you at that same moment, after all.

“Oh, that reminds me!” the older boy suddenly chirped, a grin on his face as threw his hand into his pocket. Surprisingly, he pulled a familiar package of candy and held it out to you.

A delighted expression spread across your features. “These are…!”

“I noticed you were reaching for them yesterday but you never ended up buying them.”

“That’s because you distracted me before I could get them!” You retorted. You reached for the small package and opened it eagerly. You could see Sabito watching you from the corner of your eye. He looked to be caught between a laugh and a witty comment but refrained from doing either. Not thinking too hard about it, you popped a candy into your mouth.

“I knew it!” You grinned. “It tastes way better when you’re the one who buys it for me.”

“Don’t get your hopes up. Apparently they’re going to discontinue these within the year.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, didn’t you hear? Their mother company filed for bankruptcy earlier this month because they spent too much money trying to create a mobile game to promote their partnership with a new up-and-coming technology company.”

“For real?!”

Sabito looked at you with amusement. “Yup.”

You paused for a moment, a grin of your own pulling at your lips. “Well then, you better buy me a million packages before they go out of business.”

“Jokes on you, I already have.”

“With what, your allowance? Wait! Don’t tell me that when you moved to Tokyo you got coerced into joining the Yakuza and now you break knees for a living!?”

A certain look pulled at the boy’s lips but it was quickly replaced with a smile - the strange kind of smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “What can I say? I’m a bad boy who-” Sabito is cut off when his phone suddenly starts ringing. When he checks the caller’s ID he turns to you with an apologetic look. “Sorry, it’s my parents.”

You shake your head as you reply. “Don’t worry. I can wait.”

The boy nods and answers his phone call. You feel a bit awkward to be standing right beside him while he talks over the phone so you try to keep yourself occupied. Even as you turn your eyes towards the sky, you can’t help but listen to what Sabito is saying over the phone.

“He what?”

There are dark clouds in the distance.

“Is he going to be okay?”

They seem to be closing in rather quickly.

“Right now? But I can’t!”

Was it just you, or did it suddenly get a lot colder?

“Tomorrow?! But you said we’d wait until he was better!”

And perhaps darker too?

The phone call ended with Sabito shoving his phone into his pocket. You turned your attention back to the older boy, doing your best to have a comforting smile on your face. “Is everything alright?” You asked.

“Don’t worry about it.” Sabito replied, though he notably kept from making eye contact with you.

“Telling me not to worry will only make me worry more, silly.” You try to lighten the mood, but you aren’t sure if it’s working. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Sabito shakes his head, but doesn’t reply otherwise.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I also want to help you if I can. Does it have something to do with Tokyo? Or does it have to do with your grandfather? I’ve known you for a while and-”

“(Y/n), can we just…” Sabito’s words trail away as rain begins to pour from the sky. The two of you turn in near unison and look when the first droplets hit your heads. There’s hardly a moment to realise how much rain was about to pour. By the time you could process what was happening, Sabito had grabbed your hand and was pulling you along.

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

The sky above suddenly burst into a bright array of colours. Before you knew it, you were running hand in hand with Sabito through the crowded festival. For the most part you had to focus on the ground in front of you in order to keep from tripping, but between shallow breaths and rapid footsteps your eyes peeked above the crowd and into the sky above. You could only catch glimpses of the colourful waves of light that rippled through the sky, but it was beautiful.

All of a sudden, Sabito stopped running. You nearly slammed into the boy but managed to catch yourself in time.

When you turned to see why Sabito had stopped so abruptly, you realised that the place you usually watched fireworks was already taken up by a crowd of people. You doubted that you’d be able to see over everyone if you tried to squeeze your way in and figured that Sabito had come to the same conclusion.

For what felt like a heartbeat, you and Sabito watched the light show in silence. Each explosion painted the heavens with vibrant strokes, creating ephemeral tapestries of reds, blues, and golds. The waves of colour rippled through the vast expanse of the sky, leaving behind traces of smoke that lingered in the air.

It was a sight that left your heart in awe.

As the finale of the fireworks fizzled away, Sabito’s gaze remained fixed overhead. The boy’s hand tightened around your own, but you didn’t let go. Only when the surrounding crowd dissipated did Sabito break the silence.

“Was that it?” The older boy began.

You shot the boy a quizzical look. “What do you mean?” The way Sabito kept his gaze on the sky made you think that the boy hadn’t heard you. You cleared your throat and spoke again, asking “you didn’t like the fireworks?”

“The fireworks were fine, but I-” The boy cut his response short. “Let’s go home.”

You quirked your head to the side with a small pout. “Is something wrong?”

“W-what?”

“I mean, are you okay?”

“Of course I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I just thought that you’d want to catch a fish or something. You were the one who wanted to go to that stand in the first place. We don’t have to go home just yet. I’m sure your parents won’t mind if we stay a little longer.”

Sabito shook his head but didn’t respond otherwise, only serving to confuse you further.

“I don’t understand. You were the one who wanted to catch a fish so badly, so why are you getting so upset? Is it because you couldn’t catch one? Or is it because we didn’t get to watch the fireworks where we usually do? If that’s the case we can always come back next year and-”

“(Y/n), stop! I said let’s go home, so let’s just go.”

For a moment, it felt like the world was standing still.

A heavy feeling pulled at your chest and it suddenly became hard to breathe. There were so many things you wanted to say but you couldn’t communicate any of them. You were afraid that if you started to talk, you’d only end up saying something you didn’t mean. This was a familiar feeling, though - not familiar because of Sabito, but a familiar feeling.

You’ve always known that people can have bad days and you’d be remiss to say that you’ve never had a bad day before. Still, Sabito had been particularly irritated tonight and you couldn’t understand why. At this point you genuinely couldn’t tell if you had done something horribly wrong. Was it something you said? Was it something you didn’t say? Was this something that had to do with you at all?

You tried to shake the thought away - now wasn’t the time to think about such things! But you couldn’t get the thought of Sabito out of your head. Perhaps if you two were a little older, you wouldn’t have been left with so many unanswered questions. Perhaps you would’ve been observant enough to realise why the older boy was acting so coldly, or maybe you would’ve had the courage to ask him directly. Even so, you didn’t.

Without a word, you pushed past Sabtio and ran.

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

Sabito had never really considered himself a people person. That wasn’t to say that it was hard for the boy to get along with others, only to say that Sabito didn’t enjoy the process of meeting and getting to know new people. He liked to believe that he was perfectly equipped to have normal interactions with people he didn’t know, but that didn’t always mean that he wanted to put effort into making new, deeper connections. He much preferred to keep people at an arm's reach. Why? The boy often found himself wondering that as well.

When Sabito was in first grade, his personality often drove people to one of two extremes: staying away or being a ride or die - as much of a ride-or-die a first grader could be, anyway. The other children tended to recoil at the intensity of Sabito’s personality, but he didn’t mind. He truly believed that people who were similar would gravitate toward each other, him included.

Then, when Sabito reached the third grade, he realised the kind of people his personality attracted were not the kind of people he wanted to be friends with. In his 8-year-old opinion, the children who were drawn toward him tended to be mean spirited or spoiled.

In a pivotal moment Sabito deliberately changed, challenging his established beliefs about personal identity for the first time.

Sabito’s change affected many of his relationships. It wasn’t an immediate change of course, but a gradual shift away from the people he’d previously considered his friends. In exchange, many people who considered Sabito an acquaintance began shifting toward him - you were one of these people.

Technically Sabito had known you since before he could read or write, but he never really considered himself your friend until he was in fourth grade. It was only then that the two of you began arranging your own play dates instead of following what his parents arranged with yours. It was only when he reached fourth grade and you were in the third grade that Sabito started finding himself eagerly awaiting the next time he would see you again.

“Sabito, are you still awake in there?”

Sabito sat up from his futon and looked over at his door. He wasn’t sure if he had heard you right over the sounds of the pouring rain, but he wasn’t so mean that he would leave you standing there.

When Sabito pulled the door open, he immediately took note of the way his mother’s clothes looked on you. The pattern made you seem older than you were, but the expression on your face made you look extremely young.

“You doing alright?” Sabito asked.

“I’m alright.” You answered, your eyes looking away from Sabito’s own. “I’m just not very tired. I was wondering if you wanted to stay up and chat for a little while?”

A knowing look overtook Sabito’s expression. “It’s the storm, isn’t it?”

“So you haven’t forgotten about that, huh?” You chuckled nervously. “Yeah, the storm has been keeping me from falling asleep. If you’re trying to fall asleep though, that’s okay too! I wouldn’t want to disturb you.”

Sabito shook his head. “Nah, don’t worry. Just come on in and make yourself comfortable.”

As Sabito turned away, he could feel his heartbeat racing within his chest. He tried to focus on other things instead. Reaching out toward the lamp in the corner. The sound of his bedroom door sliding shut. Your shuffling footsteps as you ventured further into the room.

When was the last time he’d felt this way? Sometime within the past three years? The night his parents received the phone call from his grandfather? This afternoon when he was on the phone with his mother? No, this feeling was different. It was oh, so very different yet somehow all the same.

“Do you mind if I sit on your futon?” You asked.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Without looking up, Sabito walked over to the edge of his futon and took a seat. He imagined that you were probably sitting on the other end of the futon. Not so far that you felt like strangers, but not close enough to be anything more.

Ah, things like that shouldn’t be important though. The two of you were friends - are friends! There’s no need to complicate the relationship between the two of you. This didn’t have to be any different than how it was before. It didn’t need to be different from how it was just a few hours ago! Still, Sabito couldn’t seem to calm his nerves.

Was this how it had always been? Sabito has never been someone who lingers on any moment for too long, yet it felt like he’d lived this moment before. Sitting across from you with nothing to lose or gain; the sound of silence drowned out by his own fears; it was all so familiar.

“Sorry if I’m causing you trouble by being here.” You apologised, catching Sabito off guard.

“To be fair, I was the one that dragged you all the way here when it started to rain and I was also the one who suggested you stay over. If anything, I should be apologising for putting you in this situation in the first place.”

You shook your head. “No, this is fine. Actually, I’d say this is rather nice.”

“Why? Because of the storm?” Sabito can tell that you’ve shifted in your spot so that your body was turned toward him. Still, he kept his gaze focused on the floor.

“Well yes, partly because of the storm… but we both know that when it comes to storms I’ve always been a, what was it that you used to call me, a ‘chicken?’” You let out a short chuckle to yourself. “There’s a part of me that’s here because I genuinely like your company, but there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want to be alone.”

“So I’m your babysitter?” Sabito teased.

“Of course not! You’re someone important to me!”

Sabito lifted his gaze and suddenly came face to face with you. Your smile was gentle and warm - exactly the way he’s always remembered it.

Sabito had always remembered you being a little bit of an oddball in comparison to other people he knew. There was hardly a person who talked to him the same way you did. Always so matter-of-fact yet teasingly go-with-the-flow.

There were other things that he noticed about you too. Like the fact that you would always save your last piece of candy for someone else; how you always said your favourite was one colour when really it was another; and the fact that you loved every season so much that choosing one over the other seemed to physically pain you. These weren’t the kind of things Sabito noticed about other people, so why did he notice them about you?

The answer to that question quelled Sabito’s beating heart as much as it prompted it to race.

“I think I’m in-”

“I didn’t mean to put you on the spot there.” You suddenly chimed. “This is the first time I’ve gotten to see or talk to you since you moved three years ago. I don’t want you to feel like you have to say something bold to me just because of what I’ve said to you.”

“Oh, yeah…” Sabito replied with a forced laugh. “Don’t worry, I get that. I was just going to say that I think I’m ready to throw in the towel and head to bed.”

“Did you want me to leave you be?”

“And leave you alone to brave the storm on your own?” Sabito mused. “What kind of person leaves their friend in their time of need?”

“A mean one?”

“And is that the kind of person I am?”

You smiled. “Of course not.”

Sabito helped you bring the futon he’d set out for you earlier into his room. The storm outside had worsened but Sabito tried not to pay it any mind. It wasn’t long before the two of you were laying down in the dark and talking about whatever came to mind. Eventually you began phasing in and out of consciousness until Sabito was left to his own devices.

As the two of you lay in the dark, Sabito was hit with the sudden awareness that he was smiling. It wasn’t the kind of smile people considered beautiful or genuine though. It pulled at his lips like instinct but never reached his eyes. This smile was nothing more than the polite smile he’d come to perfect for when others expected him to do so - a mask he had perfect for when others were watching. Yet despite how no one could see him he still smiled.

He smiled knowing he hated the way it felt.

There was a slight warmth against Sabito’s neck. The boy turned his head already knowing what he’d see - he’s thought about you plenty of times while falling asleep before, but that didn’t make it any less strange.

When was the last time you’d fallen asleep beside him? It definitely wasn’t while he was living in Tokyo, but he couldn’t really remember the last time the two of you had a sleepover. It must have been while the two of you were just children. Not really that much younger than he was now, but not old enough that any indecent thoughts crossed his mind.

Sabito examined your features slowly. The shape of your eyes; the softness of your skin; the colour of your lips; all of it was so familiar yet so foreign.

For a moment, Sabito thought about leaning forward. If he did he would surely end up kissing you, but if he ended up kissing you now he’d never forgive himself for it. Even if you weren’t asleep and even if you wanted to kiss him back, that wasn’t the kind of thing a man should do. Even so, he wondered.

Sabito wondered if you’ve fallen in love already. He wondered if you’ve already had your first kiss or if you’ve already had a boyfriend. He wondered about pointless things and foolish things alike, but ultimately wished to ask one question.

Did you hate him?

What a silly question. Sabito knew the kind of person you were. He doubted you would ever utter a word as strong as hate, nor would you speak anything of love. You were never the kind of person who flooded others with strong words because you thought they wanted to hear them, you were the kind of person who noticed the little things.

You noticed how others always loved receiving candy from you when it was the last piece in the box; how some people loved it when you shared their favourite colour while others enjoyed it best when ‘their colour’ was completely their own; or how you wouldn’t reveal your enjoyment of all seasons just so that you would be more easily agreeable. Most notable of all, Sabito would be remiss if he didn’t already realise that you knew he loved you.

There was one more thing about you that Sabito’s always known about you; something that he was certain other people noticed too but never mentioned because of your carefully crafted smiles and deliberately chosen words.

Sabito knew that just like him, you were lonely.

Perhaps being lonely was the reason why Sabito was drawn to you in the first place. Neither yours nor Sabito’s parents could spare much time for their respective children, but there was one major difference that Sabito’s always been aware of.

Sabito has always had his grandfather to lean on.

To say that Sabito was surprised to see you while picking up his grandfather’s prescription would be an understatement. He was ecstatic to see you again, but a part of him was scared. When he moved to Tokyo he left without so much as a goodbye. He remembered how upset his grandfather had been on the phone when he confronted Sabito about it. You had arrived at the house expecting to see Sabito only to learn that he’d gone and moved to Tokyo. Even when your conversations fell back to how they used to be, Sabito felt that he was in the wrong.

He shouldn’t be allowed to be your friend again.

He shouldn’t be allowed to tell you how much he loves you.

Not after leaving you alone when he moved to Tokyo.

And especially not after making you cry.

Lightning raced across the sky and thunder shook Sabito from his thoughts. When the room was momentarily lit up, Sabito became aware of your curious eyes. Your body was tense with terror yet your eyes showed nothing but concern for himself - for Sabito.

“You say you love the rain but open your umbrella as it pours. That’s why I’m scared when you say I love you.”

Sabito shoots you a confused look. “What?”

“A part of a quote from one of Shakesphere’s poems.” You answer. “Well, it’s sometimes attributed to Shakespeare but there are similar poems out there that have come before it.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I’m not sure to be honest. If I had to guess I’d say it’s because of the rain. I’ve always been terrified of storms yet I have mixed feelings when it comes to rain. It’s beautiful and nurturing, yet can also be awfully suffocating and miserable. That’s why I get scared whenever it starts to rain.”

“I don’t think I’ve heard you say something so opinionated before.” Sabito explains.

You shrug. “And I’ve never known you to so adamantly avoid certain topics before.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

There’s a moment of silence as you seem to gather your words together - as though you’ve been formulating what you’ve been wanting to say for a while but haven’t had the courage to speak them until now.

Sabito feared the worst, yet your expression told him to lay down his guard.

How could he though? Sabito had never wanted or needed to be vulnerable in his life, yet in front of you he felt like his entire soul was on display for you to see. He couldn’t hide himself from you, neither could you seem to hide yourself from him. That’s what he’s believed until now, but the you who currently lay in front of him felt like someone he’s never seen before.

It’s a version of you who is far older than the you he left behind. A version that’s wiser, kinder and more mature than the girl he’d known three years ago - even more so than one might expect. A girl who’d matured beyond her years yet hides herself behind what others expect her to be.

Then you spoke the words he never thought he’d hear:

“Are you experiencing Adolescence Syndrome?”

It took a moment for Sabtio to understand what you’d asked, but his answer came out before he could really think it over.

“How do you know about Adolescence Syndrome?” Sabito questioned.

“It happened to someone at my school about a month ago. It was a pair of brothers who are known for having a less than perfect reputation.” You answered, your tone of voice softening ever so slightly before returning to how it had been before. “According to the internet, Adolescence Syndrome is something that only affects those who enter puberty and occurs due to extreme feelings and circumstances. So I’m curious, Sabito, as to why you’re experiencing it. Your symptoms are causing you to affect the weather, right? What kind of extreme feelings or circumstances are you experiencing that might be the cause of it?”

Sabito remains quiet as his eyes avoid your own.

“Does it have anything to do with moving to Tokyo? Perhaps something to do with your grandfather’s illness and placement in the hospital?” You pause for a moment. “Might it have something to do with me?”

“No!” Sabito’s eyes shoot up to meet your own, only accompanied by a flash of lightning racing across the sky. There’s fear in your eyes for a moment but you’re quick to hide it.

As the room returns to darkness, you hum a short tune of response before speaking. “Sorry. I guess I really am a part of the problem.” You apologise, catching the boy off guard.

Sabito can feel your body pulling away as you begin to stand and it makes the boy start to panic. He didn’t want to drive you away again. He didn’t want to leave you like he did last time.

He didn’t want to make you cry.

As the sky lights up once more, Sabito seizes the opportunity and grabs hold of your hand. Thunder shakes the room yet the older boy can only hear the sound of his own heartbeat. He’s certain that you can hear it too since you’ve tumbled onto his body. The boy can feel your trembling, but he can’t tell if it’s because of the storm or because of him.

He waits for you to push him away; he waits for you to hit him. He waits and braces himself for an onslaught of insults he certainly believes he deserves, but it doesn’t arrive.

Instead, you ask the boy a question.

“Do you remember the last festival we spent together?”

At first Sabito is surprised by your question. He doesn’t know where it’s going and that thought scares him, but he doesn’t feel threatened. Eventually he mumbles out his response. “Yes, I do. It was the last time you saw me before I moved away to Tokyo.”

“I often think about that night, you know.”

“You don’t need to tell me. I was awful to you back then.”

“Perhaps…” You replied, your tone now softer than it was before. “...but you were also just a child. We both were.”

“Oh… I guess so.”

“You guess?” You teased the boy briefly. It caused a short laugh to erupt from Sabito, but he felt guilty for laughing. “Sabito, it’s not your fault. Your grandfather’s sickness, moving away, missing the fireworks… none of that is your fault.”

“But I-”

“But you what? There were so many things going on in your life that caused you to suffer, but you didn’t talk about it with anyone because you didn’t want anyone to worry about you. It’s not your job to keep other people happy.” Slowly, you took Sabito’s hand and placed it over top of his own beating heart. “I want you to listen to me carefully because I’m likely only going to say this once: what you want matters too. Life is never perfect for anyone, but it’ll never get better if we don’t communicate our needs to others. It’s hard to know what’s best for ourselves since we’re still so young, but it doesn’t hurt to talk to the people you trust about what you want. It’s much better than suffering all on your own.”

There was a strange quiver in Sabito’s chest as he listened to what you had to say. It was like he was caught between a whisper and a scream, but could force out neither. To him, that feeling was what he hated the most.

“That being said…” you began as you moved to sit beside Sabito. “Talk to me about what you’re going through.”

“As in everything?”

“If you want to, then yes. You don’t have to tell me everything unless you want to. Just know that whatever it is you tell me, I’ll listen."

Once again, Sabito found himself waiting for you to do something. Whether it was turning and running, pushing him away or just falling asleep, he waited. He kept his guard up and waited in case what you said didn’t match what you did, but that moment never arrived.

Rather, it’s you who waits for Sabito.

Patiently, kindly, and attentively, you wait.

The pounding of the storm suddenly seemed to slow, and the whisper of a scream disappeared from Sabito's chest. For the first time in a while, Sabito felt like he could truly breathe.

It was liberating, terrifying, and everything in between, but you were here with him.

And for Sabito, that was enough.

══════════════════

Epilogue

Why, then, would people lie?

If the inevitable consequence of telling a lie is hurting someone, does that automatically make the liar a bad person?

Is it, after all, fair to condemn someone who lies? Among the many reasons a person might have to lie, how can we truly decide whether or not a lie makes someone a bad person?

You and Sabito ended up talking for hours that night. He talked to you about why his parents decided to take him to Tokyo with them and how he didn’t want to go; about what living in Tokyo is like for him and the kind of people who surround him and his family; about his grandfather’s sudden heart attack that brought his family back to town; about his fears of moving back to Tokyo and his fears of leaving his grandfather behind for a second time. For the first time he could recall, he was able to talk about anything and everything that had been weighing on his mind without the fear of being judged.

In the midst of it all, Sabito realised just how much he had been hurting himself by staying quiet. He still wasn’t sure when he had started lying in the first place, but Sabito realised that all of the lies he told to keep others happy weren’t harmless - they were hurting himself.

He had lied to his parents about Tokyo and had continued lying when he realised how happy it made them. If he kept it this way for any longer, he was certain he would resent his parents for a long time - perhaps even for the rest of his life! - which was the last thing he ever wanted.

Instead of going back to Tokyo, Sabito wanted to stay in town and live with his grandfather. The thought of going back and leaving one of the most important people in his life behind made him realise just how much he wanted to stay. Rather than just sitting on his thoughts forever, he would finally talk about it carefully, honestly and truthfully. If it was of his own volition, Sabito was sure his parents, as well as his grandfather, would let him stay.

There was, however, one thing that Sabito kept to himself that night.

Perhaps one day he would finally build up the courage to tell you about it.

#sabito #Sabito Demon Slayer #Sabito X Reader #Fluff #Angst #Childhood friends #reunited childhood friends #alternate universe #modern au #Adolescence Syndrome #that one syndrome from rascal does not dream of bunny girl senpai #oneshot #connected oneshot #memories of the future

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