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ya-so-im-here · 2 years ago

Text

I’m Not Insane

Writer: Me, I have it published under my Wattpad account TheNinjaOfCake22

Fandom: Avatar the Last Airbender

Concept: Azula wasn’t born while Ursa is still a caring mother to Zuko but after his banishment, her time alone with Ozai causes her to become more like Azula at the end of the series until she goes insane like Azula.

Word Count: 10733

Link: https://www.wattpad.com/1090164048-avatar-one-shots-i%27m-not-insane

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Anyone maybe even everyone should be excited for their wedding day, but I dreaded it's arrival. I stood before a mirror dressed is white robes lined with red and gold trim along my arms and shoulders, the fabric and design was the finest I had ever lain eyes on and yet I couldn't care any less.

It was utterly silent in the room as the servants worked on my hair and gown not one daring to say a word. Was this truly to be my last moment as Ursa? The troupe performer? The last moment as a free women?

"Come my lady, the ceremony is to begin" stated one of the royal guards that stood by the door waiting for me. I simply lowered my head gently then departed the room leaving behind what seemed to be my entire life.

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I stood before what seemed to be the entire Fire Nation, even common folk were standing outside the gates in hopes of getting a glimpse of the new royal union. I sneaked a glance amongst the crowd and caught a glimpse of my family, my mother was crying dabbing tears a way with a handkerchief; though even with so many around including family I had never felt this lonely before.

I tried to smile as Ozai and my life were bound together, but my face felt heavy as though it forgot how to smile. The union was set and complete, my life now bound to Ozai, the Fire Nation, the royal family, and to a cage I knew I wouldn't ever escape.

Once the ceremony had ended I sat at a head table alongside Ozai, my family the table over and the rest of our guests at tables before us. I attempted a smile once more as I over heard conversations amongst my parents at their table.

"Oh look at this linen, I dare say it's the finest table cloth I've seen" exclaimed my mother with awe.

"Within the royal palace it's expected to have the finest" my father added taking a bite of his roast turtleduck. I smiled lightly for this truly was a grand display of wealth that none who'd lived in Hira'a had ever seen.

"Yes, I do suspect your right" I heard my mother mumble softly sadness making it's evident return to her face, my father took her hand as a form of comfort but I could see his eyes getting teary.

"You have lovely Parents" said Ozai catching me in surprise he had yet to say anything to me other then the required words for the ceremony.

"They've always been good to me" I said keeping a steady and delicate smile as I responded.

"Be sure to tell them that when you say goodbye. Your last words should be filled with gratitude and kindness, so their memory of you will always be sweet." said Ozai his voice calm as though he had just asked me my favorite treat, he took a sip from his goblet with a smirk lining his lips.

"Last words?" I asked fear coming through in my voice. Ozai's smirk didn't falter as he leaned in close to my ear.

"After this day, do not mention Hira'a, your family or your old life ever again." I felt my face pale and my blood utterly froze "You belong to the royal family now. And to me."

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Days within the palace pass quickly with everyone nearly if not the exactly the same as the one before, I rarely saw Ozai throughout the days; he spends his time in the throne room bowed before his father Fire Lord Azulon, obeying his every command. My days were far more bland for I never saw anyone outside of the guards, servants, or the occasional generals on their way to meet my husband.

Husband. I despised that word, Ozai wasn't a husband, a spouse, nor a partner. He was the future Fire Lord, Prince of the Fire Nation and I, his servant who slept in his chambers.

"My lady, you look ill" whispered one of the servants her voice thin and frail as she spoke.

"I feel well, it's just a little stomach pains. I assure there is no need to fret" I responded back with my best attempt at confident, but I was merely acting. I had felt sick nearly every morning for the past month, but I refused to let it show.

"Please my lady, let me fetch a healer just so we're confident in your well being" the servant pleaded before me, but I would not allow it.

"I am very well in health. I will not be forced to see a healer if I am well." I snapped annoyed everyone has been telling me what to do since I've arrived, I can't take much more of it.

The servants eyes widened and regret filled my chest, those were the eyes filled with fear I had seen the expression so often because of Ozai and here I was the reason for them.

"I'm sorry, It was wrong of me to yell at you. Thank you for your concern, but I truly am well." I placed my hand on her shoulder for comfort, but the damage was done. She bowed her head and left the room, leaving me alone again.

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"My wife" cooed Ozai as he entered our shared room, I was by a mirror as servants took the crown from my topknot releasing my hair and letting it fall down.

"Yes my love" I responded my voice sweet and loving, acting always acting, looking in the mirror I saw him gesture towards the servants to leave which they did without a moments hesitation.

"I heard you've become ill" he stepped forth and whispered in my ear softly as though he was whispering sweet nothings to me, but my heart rate quickened and my mind began to race.

"I assure you I am in peak health" I said attempting to allow confidence to flow through me.

"Well that's not what I heard. I heard you were ill and that you refused to see a healer" he smiled a tight thin line as he caressed my cheek bringing my head to face him. "You are part of the royal family Ursa, I demand that you see a healer at once. So young still, I will not allow sickness to me your undoing." his amber eyes stared straight into mine and I dared not look away.

"Do you understand me, my wife?" he asked as his caress tightened on my jaw, I swallowed back my fear and blinked just lightly.

"Of course my love" I responded maintaining the sweet and loving tone as I felt his grasp loosen until I no longer felt his touch. He walked away making his way to his bed allowing me to finish getting ready for sleep.

"I want an update from you right after your meeting with the healer is finished, understand?" I looked over my shoulder to the bed where he was now sitting and I smile sweetly.

"Of course, my love"

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"My lady? Are you all right?"

I blinked twice then found myself staring in the direction of the healer who sat before me, my face felt cool and pale as my breathing faltered.

"Yes. Yes I believe I'm fi... are you sure? You aren't mistaken?" I asked interrupting myself and as I expected the healer nodded firmly.

"I have done all the tests my lady, you are pregnant" pregnant. How could I be pregnant, was I ready to be a mother? Could Ozai even be a father? "This is good news my lady, the baby is healthy and strong there's plenty of fight within em. I'm sure you'll have a normal and healthy pregnancy" the healer continued on talking but I felt myself dazing out in thought.

I had to tell Ozai.

As I was told, once the healer left I went to the doors of the throne room which was guarded by two guards on either side of the door.

"I request an audience with my husband" I ordered firmly, two of the guards exchanged quick looks then one went inside while the other held up their hand...

"Wait here"

They drew open once more and out stepped Ozai his face solemn as he approached me ignoring the guards present. "What do you want?" he asked not raising his tone, but nor was it friendly; this was to be the father of my child.

"I saw the healer as you requested, all is well I am in fact quite healthy..."

"If you're healthy then why was I told you were ill?" interrupted Ozai, tinge of annoyance and disbelief in his voice. Clearly not believing my words.

"I am with a child" I said interrupting him as he did me and with that action I saw two emotions pass through over his face. One of anger for my interrupting and the other excitement.

"Why, that is grand news indeed and you're healthy you said, good very good. Another heir to throne is to be born and welcomed into the royal family" he smiled, not a half nor forced smile an authentic and full smile... it unnerved me.

"Well thank you my wife, you've brought great news to these halls. You are free to go about as you please, but don't strain yourself that child is of royal blood and will be bound to the throne." he continued to smile as he gestured lightly for me to depart as he went back through the doors into the throne room.

I turned away and made my path to the gardens as Ozai's words lingered in my head and his smile haunted my memory.

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Seven months had past slowly at first, each day seemed to linger on. I blamed this on Ozai, since I had announced my pregnancy he had been more inclined to speak to me then the courtesy "Good morning" and it was strange. He had hardly shown any interest in me before hand and now he had even started accompanying me with my morning walks in the garden.

The garden had become my favorite place within the entire palace, there were beautiful fire lilies, turtleducks in the pond, it was beautiful. The only damper was Ozai, who insisted on being close during those walks.

"I was thinking about baby names... you know we're seven months in, don't you think it's time we begin talking about names?" I asked looking over to Ozai as he walked along my right side, his face solemn as it often was, but then again he had been smiling a lot more lately, more cheery even.

"Azula" He stated briskly "I do think we're having a daughter and I want her name to be Azula after my father" Ozai kept his pace as he spoke not giving me any look.

"Well... what if we have a son?" I asked tentatively mildly hoping he'd actually look at me.

"I don't think we will"

"Well there is a chance for either" it was silent again. "Though I do love the name Azula, if it is a girl I think Azula is a wonderful name."

"I don't have a boy's name in mind" admitted Ozai

"Well... I do, if it is a boy... I was thinking Zuko" I looked over at Ozai I could tell he was contemplating the name "It's a very strong name and I thought that a prince of the Fire Nation aught to have a strong and powerful name" I added hoping it would help convince him.

"Zuko" he mumbled to himself "Prince Zuko... Yes I agree, if we have a son we shall name him Zuko" he smiled lightly then he turned to face me still possessing the smile "Yes, I quite like that name" I felt part of my stomach flutter knowing that I had just made a suggestion that he actually liked, I couldn't help but smile a little. I, Ursa lady of the Fire Nation made a suggestion that Prince Ozai actually liked. I had to admit I felt rather proud.

We continued our walk in silence after that both of our minds occupied on other matters to pay actual attention to the other. For me it felt like the first time I fully grasped I was truly going to be a mother. A feeling that elated me, but left me fearful nonetheless; for what sort of life was I bringing this child into?

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"Aaaahhh!" my screams were echoing throughout the halls of the palace, my head pushed back against the pillow.

"We're almost there my lady" comforted one of the healers. My hands gripped the bed sheets from the pain.

"Where is Ozai!?" I shouted out, he was supposed to be there, the husband is always supposed to be there for the birth of the child.

"He will not be joining us my lady" answered the same healer.

"WHy not?! he's the father!" I cried out "He's supposed to be here" my face red and flushed as I cried out, tears gathering in my eyes.

"He said he'll be by once the child is born" a new flow of tears began to fall from my eyes from the healer's words, why should I be surprised I know that Ozai doesn't care... he never cares. "My lady you gonna have to get ready to push again, you're almost there"

"I'm not supposed to be alone!" I shouted out as I pushed once more gripping the bed sheets with strength I didn't know I possessed, my emotions were free and pushed to their limits. I was always alone why would I possibly think it would be any different in childbirth.

"Here we go, my lady. Push now" and I did, tears streamed down my face as I gave it my all and I stopped when I heard the piercing scream of a infant. My tears relinquished as I listened to the cries of my child. "My lady" said the healer holding the baby, they came near and placed my baby in my arms "You have a son" and almost on queue I began to cry again.

"Hi Zuko" I smiled, his face so small and sweet even as he cried, but once I spoke I saw the look in his eyes as he realized who I was. "I'm your mother" I whispered to him.

Ozai came by to see his new heir hours later, after I already dressed Zuko in his new prince clothes and had gotten myself back to looking like the lady of the Fire Nation. "Where is my heir?" he asked as he entered the room, not in a playful nor excited manner, it seemed more as a demand. I lifted up Zuko from his grip and held him for Ozai to see, he came over and took him from me and seemed to examine him closely, not even a linger of smile on his face.

"Yes, I think I see great things in his future, he will be a great Firelord when the time comes. Yes... a prince the Fire Nation will be proud of" he spoke slowly to himself as though he had forgotten I was just there. A wicked smile began to stretched across his face "Yes, I do believe the royal family will remain unbeatable"

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I raised Zuko alone it seemed, there were nannies and servants helping with whatever I told them, but Ozai remained loose from the picture, never a permanent fixture. With Zuko now in my life, I felt as though I had a purpose again, I felt like myself. We spent our days together in the garden where I taught him about plants like my mother taught me, I helped him learn manners and empathy. These were our days and they were all I ever wanted, but Ozai wanted more.

"I don't understand your anger, he's very bright he learns things quickly" I spoke with annoyance in my voice, in our room it seemed where more arguing occurred then actual sleep.

"His studies matter not, Ursa if he's not skilled in his bending" snapped Ozai his voice lined with anger.

"He's only five, give him time..." I began

"Time? I was bending by the age of three, he's two years too late"

"He's not too late, he might just be a late bloomer" I interjected anger starting to become evident in my voice

"Hah, a late bloomer. No great Fire bender started as a 'late bloomer' Azulon was wrong about you" he snapped turning away from me.

"Wrong about me?!" I asked taken aback "He's only five, give him time to learn. Don't you remember what you said when he was born!?" I shouted at him, but didn't give him time to respond "You said that he was a prince the Fire Nation would be proud of and now you've changed your mind?!" I practically began to scream at him, causing him to turn around and slap me across the face.

"Yes I changed my mind" he seethed "How could the Fire Nation be proud of a nonbender? Tell me Ursa... how could a nonbender make anyone proud" his amber eyes wreathed in livid light, I brought my hand to me cheek where he hit me. He had never physically harmed me like this before.

"If you didn't want a nonbender part of the royal family then why marry me?!" I cried out in anger and hurt. "I was happy back in Hira'a, I had my family, friends, a life I was proud of..."

"Please Ursa, you were a troupe performer, your family hardly made enough to get by. Your life had no meaning unlike here where it now possesses more meaning" he sneered "unfortunately you even failed at that, for being the granddaughter of the Avatar, you possess no power whatsoever."

I froze taken aback, I was here because of my grandfather? There was no other reason for me to even be here? Ozai truly never loved me in anyway.

"Azulon was a fool, how could he think that a nonbender could possibly have a powerful bender as a son, you disgust me." he snapped as he looked down upon me. "You have no power to you whatsoever, it was a mistake to bring you here" with that he stepped past me leaving me where I stood. Everything I had gone through was pointless, there was no reason for me to even be here.

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We tried again and again for a second child, Ozai utterly ashamed of having a nonbender son, but no matter how many times we tried I never got pregnant again. This lead to insults and physical punishment for my "lack of ability to grant the Fire Nation a proper heir." I possessed bruises all along my body, all hidden perfectly by my clothes at all times.

Loneliness, guilt, sadness all set into my life, the only light in my life was Zuko so I gave him everything I could. Even though Ozai claims he's a nonbender I refuse to give up on him, cause Ozai is right a long line of Firebenders lives through his veins and I know Zuko's destined for something great.

"Mother!" I heard Zuko shout out, one evening while we were in the Garden.

"What is it Zuko?" I knelt before him looking him over, his eyes were wide, but they weren't filled with fear as I expected.

"Look...look" he pulled his arms away from me punched his fist out infront of himself ejecting fire from his fist. "I can bend!" he exclaimed excitement and joy evident on his face.

"Oh Zuko" I grabbed him once more and brought him into a hug "That's amazing!" I exclaimed with my own joy, the thought that perhaps Ozai would love his son more knowing he wasn't a nonbender as he assumed.

"I'm like father now! I'm going to be a great bender too!" I felt a small pain from Zuko's words but I kept up a smile. "Can we show him?" he asked eyes wide with pure excitement.

"Of course my dear" with that I took his hand and we made our way through the palace to Ozai, he was in the library looking for something for his father, he had spent many hours in there looking for something, but refused to tell me what.

"What do you want?" he snapped noticing our presence not bothering to look up "You can clearly see I am occupied, can you not?"

"Zuko has something he wants to show you" I stated taking a step back so that Zuko could get his father's attention. Taking a deep breath, he pulled his arms back then with a quick thrust of his arm, his fist ejected fire just as it had in the garden. Now Ozai looked up from his scroll and looked down at Zuko with a strange look on his face.

"Can you do it again?" he asked coolly

"Yes!" exclaimed Zuko as he brought his fist forward again this time harder and more fire arose. "See father, I can firebend just like you"

"Yes, yes you can firebend. Quite grand indeed" he turned his gaze towards me as I gave him a face of "I told you he could bend" he ignored it "My wife, it seems my son will need a teacher" he smiled out of what seemed relief and twisted excitement.

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Master Piandao was at the palace everday, training Zuko for hours on end which greatly lowered our time together. I was happy for Zuko with his training Ozai proudly announced that the Fire Nation had a powerful firebending heir and he now excepted him as his son.

But I felt alone once more and now that Zuko showed firebending skill, Ozai still wanted another child "Incase of an accident, it's always wise for the royal family to have more then one heir" is what he said on the topic, but I couldn't no matter how many times we tried I could never get pregnant.

This always led to the string of insults from Ozai that I had become oh too use too "Disgrace of Avatar Roku", "Burden to the Fire Nation", "Mistake of the royal family", "pathetic nonbender", and "insufferable wife".

I push it all down, ignore his words I wouldn't let them linger, if they lingered I would think about them and I just couldn't... I just can't. Zuko still needs me and I'm here for him not Ozai, I tell myself this everyday; because Ozai doesn't want me... which is... fine.

But Zuko wants me here, I'm here for him no matter what happens with Ozai.

"Mother! look what I can do now!" exclaimed Zuko with excitement as he showed a new firebending technique I've seen him practice for months and it looked nearly flawless as the fire grew about his fist.

"You're amazing Zuko, see all the training has fully payed off" I knelt before and hugged him feeling his smile against my cheek "With more practice you're bound for greatness" his smile only widened at my words, but I felt a pang in my chest I don't know why, but my smile faltered for a second then I heard the footsteps behind me.

"My lady" I stood and turned to face the guard behind me, it was one of the firelord's personal guards "Firelord Azulon requests your presence in the throne room immediately, yours as well as the young prince." I nodded solemnly before reaching down and taking Zuko's hand and followed behind the guard.

Anxiety crept its way into my stomach making me feel ill, my head racing fear evident in my mind. I had only met Firelord Azulon twice before and he wasn't the hospitable kind. When we approached the grand doors I saw Ozai already standing there waiting for us, his face was solemn, but in his eyes I could see he was also nervous.

"There you are my wife, he's been waiting" with that the doors to the throne room opened broad and wide giving full view of the room. It was dark exempt for the roar of fire at the end of the room that blazed high blocking our view of the Firelord himself. We entered close to each other, shoulders high, and emotions in check. The guards followed before and behind us as we walked down the long room towards the end until we stood before the blaze of fire.

"Firelord Azulon, your son and his family" announced the leading guard as they bowed before him, Ozai and I followed suit behind the guard. Hearts pounding in our chests, that if the fire wasn't so loud the heartbeats were bound to be echoing throughout the hall.

The fire lowered lightly finally revealing Firelord Azulon's face for us to see. "Father" began Ozai standing upright once more, though me and Zuko didn't dare to move not yet. "You requested us?" he inquired, his voice still strong and steady as it always seemed to be, but I could hear the difference. the commanding tone he used with everyone he met was gone, it was submissive which only increased the panic of my nerves.

"Yes I did" his voice was old, but he held it strong and firm "Sit. I command it" he ordered us three and we all promptly did, sitting in order Ozai, me, then Zuko who's face was stone steady not daring to look up at the Firelord once.

"I regret to say this for I wish it wasn't so, but Prince Iroh has lost his son Lu Ten in battle at the hands of filthy earthbenders in the wretched city of Ba Sing Se. He will be returning soon, I suspect within a fortnight to prepare the funeral. I deemed to tell you so you heard from me instead of rumors about the palace from the lowly rabble." finished Azulon, my heart ached as I held my emotions in check not even daring to cry a tear in the Firelord's presence. I glanced and looked at Ozai he didn't show any emotion, but I knew that look; gears were turning, he was thinking and I didn't like it.

I looked to Zuko his eyes were watering, his jaw clenched holding back the tears that threatened to fall down his cheeks. My instincts told me to hold him and comfort him, but I dared not move.

"That is all" he ordered as we stood before him, bowed once more then turned to leave, I glanced to my side, but didn't see Ozai beside as he just was. I turned my head lightly and saw he had yet to leave the Firelord's presence. As we approached the door I grabbed hold of Zuko's hand and looked to him.

"Darling go to your room, I'll be there momentarily. Mother and father have somethings to discuss" I whispered to him as I encouraged him on, then snuck quickly behind a large tapestry then hung along two pillars and listened for what my husband was about to say.

"Father" started Ozai kneeling before the Fire Lord once more "The tragedy that has befallen this family with the murder of Lu Ten is tragic of its own event, but it posses other issues" Azulon looked down upon his son eyes focused.

"What issues are you referring to?" He asked voice cold and stern.

"With the loss of Lu Ten, Iroh no longer has an heir to fulfill his place. Father I have an heir and my wife is still young chances for another heir is possible. Iroh's bloodline is obsolete" the first reaction from Ozai's words came from the rise in heat in the room, I felt my back begin to sweat and my skin clam. Fire lord Azulon glared down upon Ozai with such disdain, fear boiled within my blood.

"How dare you say such a thing to me!" He roared with outrage as the fire within the room reached for the ceiling. "Your brother's only son has passed and instead of sympathy for his loss you wish to take his rightful place as my successor?!" Azulon stood firm his throne outrage flowing through his veins.

"Iroh will remain my first heir but for your treason you will suffer. Your wife is young you say and can still offer you an heir, then do so. For you will now learn of the pain and suffering of loosing your first born son." All life left my body with the rage of those words, my knees faltered and I leaned against the pillar to hold my self upright, not wanting to reveal my location. Ozai had to correct this. There was no possibility he would allow this to happen, he knew we couldn't have more kids, we've tried. He was going to fix this, I knew it, he had to.

"Father. I meant no dishonor-" began Ozai his voice corrupt with submission.

"You lack all honor prince Ozai. You're family should be the most valued aspect of your life and to turn on it so quickly THAT is dishonorable" Fire Lord Azulon glared down upon his youngest son, no mercy nor pity simply rage fueled his words.

"I will suspect that by morning you have completed your punishment. Now leave my sight, it sickens me to look at you" The Fire Lord sat down upon his throne once more and rose the fire blocking himself from sight.

"Yes father" Ozai began the walk back towards the door his head still held high but there was something in his eyes I had never seen before, the unknown of it increased my nerves. I quickly slipped out of the throne room, I had to talk with my husband.

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Ozai was standing before the lattice window within our room, staring out in contemplation and silence, as though he was waiting. I walked in and dared not to hesitate nor give him the chance to decide the subject, he was going to fix this.

"Ozai! You can't do this!" I snapped at him, I hadn't done so since he first slapped me concerning Zuko and his bending. Ozai turned just enough to be facing me but not away from the window

"I have no choice, refusing the Fire Lord's command is treason. But I am a merciful man. I'm waiting until he's asleep, he won't feel a thing." he turned back to face the window, not bothering to face me fully. My heart sunk but I did not loose my spark rage, I would do anything for Zuko including raise my voice to Ozai.

"You Listen carefully" I spoke sternly without a hint of hesitation or fear laced within my voice, my next words had to be precise and they had to be convincing. There was only one way I could convince Ozai to spare his son. "I'm going to make you a deal."

"You have nothing I want" he retorted, still facing the window the lattice leaving shadowed marks along his stone face.

"You want the throne." I stated in response.

"Go on." he said, though it was different. It wasn't a command nor order, I could hear the curiosity and intrigue escape his mouth. This was it, I had one chance I had to convince him no matter the cost.

"I know how to make a poison that is colorless and odorless, completely untraceable. It causes a person to pass quietly, as if he'd simply fallen asleep. I'll give you a vial of it in exchange for Zuko's Life. Once the poison is in your hands, you do whatever you wish." It was dark plan, one that the royal family would certainly conduct. The poison was meant to stay with him and out of others hands, but for Zuko I had no choice. No matter how wicked the act was, it was my only way to save my son.

"Just where did you learn to conduct such a substance?" asked Ozai with disbelieve evident in his voice.

"My mother was a master herbalist." I simply stated in response

"Very clever, dear wife, very clever." he stared out the window thinking over my plan then within the reflection of the window I saw a smirk creep up on his face, wicked and corrupt. "I accept your plan- on one condition" he added still not daring to look me in the eye.

"Once we've made our exchange, you must leave, to inhabit another part of the palace away from everyone and never show your face again. With you around, it's only a matter of time before a colorless, odorless poison is used against the new Fire Lord." my heart sunk, to be away from everyone else would be utterly lonely, but no I wouldn't go alone.

"Fine, but I take my son with me."

"No. The child is my collateral. As long as you keep your word, no harm will come to him." with a swift and sudden movement Ozai turned from the window, his face now looming centimeters from my face "Should you try to stay or take your child with you, however, I will remove you from the royal family permanently." I knew very well the permanency of his threat; I also knew that this was the only way... I couldn't turn back.

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I wasted no time, I left Ozai within the room and went to collect the ingredients needed to make the poison. The palace had the items I needed, they were harmless on their own but combined they created a great weapon; one I never wanted to use.

I worked efficiently and quietly not wanted to draw the attention of anyone as I created the means of which the Fire Lord would die. I tried not to think of it too much, this was for Zuko; that's what I kept telling myself. This isn't really me but the truth was I was doing it, whether or not it was to save my son and even if I wasn't the one who slipped the poison to the Fire Lord, I was still committing treason, I was still killing someone.

I finished the poison and I returned it to Ozai who stood where I left him in our room, now Ozai's room; it was something I wasn't going to miss. I gave him the vial to which he examined fully to which I doubt he even knew what to look for within a poison, not that it mattered since it was untraceable.

"You've done your part. Grab what you must, then go. If you try to anything, I promise your child will pay the consequence." He left the room, vial in hand as I quickly grabbed everything I thought I might want. Living my life in a hidden part of the palace was not my ideal solution, but I knew I wouldn't miss these cold walls nor the bed of which Ozai would lie beside me.

I grabbed all I needed as well as could carry. I would leave before morning light as promised but not without one last goodbye.

Zuko was asleep, innocently asleep unknowing of all that unfolded around him and he would never know. He'd never know why I left, or what I did to save his life, but as long as he was alive and as long as Ozai kept his word; Zuko would be safe and that's all that mattered. I dared not wake him, I couldn't bring myself to it, it would be better if I was too simply slip away in the night. I knelt above him, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek then turned away.

"Mom?"

Zuko's gentle voice broke the silence of the night as he slowly sat up in his bed, rubbing his eyes and looking around for me. I still had to leave, but not like a trespasser in the night, I returned to him. I sat down on the bed by his feet and softly held his shoulders and whispered what would be my last words to him, our only goodbye.

"Zuko, please, my love, listen to me." I pulled him into a hug, holding him close to my chest "Everything I've done, I've done to protect you." he nodded his head sleepily and I placed him back on his pillow. "Remember this, Zuko. No matter how things may seem to change, never forget who you are." I placed the hood of my cloak over my head and I turned and left, Leaving behind the only happiness and joy in my life, but it was the only way and I knew it.

I passed through the halls till I was met by a castle guard holding his hand out as a torch. "Come with me, my lady" instructed the guard as he escorted me through the castle, passing through hallways and passages I had never seen before and reckoned I wouldn't see again. The realization that I was never going to leave was beginning to settle in as we passed down farther and deeper in to the palace, and then we stopped. Standing before a large tapestry of the royal family, ending with Ozai and Iroh.

I watched as the guard lifted the corner of the tapestry, revealing a secret door, covered in cobwebs and dust. The guard unlocked the door as a gust of musty air filled our lungs and I was encouraged inside, the guard followed behind for a little longer as he lead me to a second door but this time when I was escorted through he did not follow.

"Take this, light the room. Make it has homey as you like, you don't need to worry about anyone hearing or seeing you, so feel free to live comfortably. Maids will bring you your food and tend to your needs as they have thus far, though now they will be accompanied by a guard to ensure you don't attempt anything unsavory. Do you have any questions of me my lady?" spoke the guard formally.

I looked about the room, it was larger then my bedroom was, but it looked even colder and more unwelcoming then the other. I held the torch the guard had lit for me and decided there was nothing to be done. "I have no questions." I stated firmly keeping my composure.

"Then sleep well my lady" with that the guard closed the door and latching it behind him, leaving me alone in a room unknown to the rest of the world.

----------------------------------------------------------

Days passed strangely, I had no sense of real time other then the scheduled visits by the maids bringing me my meals, or wringing up a bath for me. There was no windows, no natural sunlight I missed deeply the outdoors, my garden, my son. I had no visitors because no one was allowed to know I was here, did they even know I was alive?

For awhile I have been attempted to talk with the maid and the guard, they've been my only form of communication with people. They would talk some, but mostly they went about their business efficiently and left, but I talked to them anyways. I needed the stimulation of conversation and there was no one else to talk to.

I kept the torches burning all through the day and night, as I did not know when was day or night I wasn't able to wake up naturally by new morning light so I kept the torches burning so that I'd never get lost in the dark of the room.

It was becoming a fear of mine, that one day the torch would go out and I would be stuck sitting in the dark waiting on anyone to come by and relight it for me. I wasn't going to let it happen, I kept two lit at all times at minimum otherwise I tried to keep it at three. As a nonbender I needed to keep the torches lit.

I heard the lock click, so I took a step away from the door and stood near the bed as I've grown accustomed. "Please step away from the door my lady" ordered the voice of the guard as the door slid open, even with the door open there still was no escaped sunlight leaking into the room. The guard entered first assuring that I was away, then in came the maid; these were the only two that knew I was here.

"What have you brought me today?" I asked, striking up the conversation first as I often did.

"More wood for burning, and tonight's meal" stated the maid placing down a tray on the table then placing the wood on the ground.

"So it's night?" I asked out of pure curiosity, I had enough energy about me I had thought it was earlier in the day, my schedule wasn't right.

The maid nodded her head before returning to her job "I'll be taking your old dishes, my lady and any clothing that needs washed." she gestured for me to grab what needed cleaned so I did as such, giving her an dress that was beginning to smell musty just like the rest of the room. "Thank you, my lady."

The maid went to turn away and leave me once again, but our of desperation I stopped her "Please, tell me something?" I asked "Anything at all, I know nothing outside this room."

"Take a step back." came the booming voice of the guard startling me, my hand was on the maid's wrist there was fear and nervousness in her eyes as she stared at me as though I was a dangerous animal that over took my step.

I dropped her wrist and stepped away in shame and embarrassment "I'm sorry, my composure escaped me. I only meant that I much desired some conversation, you must understand how lonely I am?" I asked watching both the guard and maid as they eyed me carefully, their gaze filled with distrust.

"I'm sorry my lady, but we were instructed not to converse with you." informed the guard

"You're not supposed to talk with me"? I asked in shock and utter disbelief. "Why not?" I asked, still keeping my composure, though I could tell my voice was beginning to shake.

"The Fire Lord, says your words cannot be trusted so we mustn't speak to you as you may try and deceive us" explained the maid, the fear in her eyes had disappeared something new was in her eyes, sadness? pity?

"So he expects me to live utterly alone and I'm not even allowed to talk with people?" I snapped as tears began to fill me eyes. I turned away from the two not barring to even look at them, they were simply doing their job and he made sure that I was alone no matter who came by.

"I don't know why you're here my Lady, we were told that you committed a crime against the crown and for that you can't be trusted. We are to serve you as he wishes, but not to engage as it can be detrimental to us" elaborated the maid as she placed a gentle hand on my shoulder as a form of comfort but I could tell she was still standing as far away as she could.

"I understand" was all I could mutter, I felt the warmth of her hand leave my shoulder, the shuffling of feet, followed by the latching and closing of the door. I was alone again.

Alone again...

How? how was this my fate? "committed crimes against the crown" I muttered, "I wasn't the only one, Ozai" he ruled in his father's stead, in Iroh's stead and I had to be okay with it! Yes I had to be okay with it, It was for Zuko, this was all to protect Zuko. As long as my son was okay, I would endure any and all of his rules and restrictions. As lonely, scared, and miserable I felt; I did this for a reason and for that I would be okay "I'll be okay."

----------------------------------------------------------

The distinction between days is impossible, I've entirely lost count and at this time I don't care enough to try and figure it out. I'm awake when I'm awake and sleep when I'm tired, no matter the time of day. Sometimes I'll wake up and my food was delivered while I was asleep, sometimes I'll be awake and receive nothing from maid, who still refuses to speak with me, she won't even give me her name.

I spend most of my days reading, or practicing my calligraphy writing letters to Zuko and my family even though none of them will ever see them. It's one of the only things that bring me comfort that the idea that one day Zuko will find me and I'll be able to share with him all my letters of everything I want to tell him, and for him to know I never forgot about him after all time we've been apart.

The maid had already arrived today with a platter of food now resting on the nightstand, the food was becoming less and less identifiable as the days passed. The smell still possessed some form of appetizing however the appearance was abominable. I detested it, the mysterious food that was brought to me but with it being all I had, I ate it anymore each and everyday.

It was this food I had decided and lack of natural and fresh air that lead to my sickness, I was bed ridden for days to sick to move from the confines of my blankets. My head ached and banged with every noise and lack of noise around me. I felt isolated and confused. The maid brought me medicine but she said that the healer's weren't permitted to enter, that if they knew I existed then it would be detrimental to the royal family, to Zuko.

So, I waited it out. prayed to the spirits and hoped for a recovery, I wasn't about to allow sickness take me away from the world while trapped within a small and desolate room. With my existence unknown to anyone as I wasted away over time.

It felt at times I thought I heard another voice in the room with me, the maid or guard perhaps but when I looked about they weren't there. I had decided I was most likely hearing their voices from when they visited while I was asleep and it was a memory echoing back to me and that I was too sick to tell the two apart.

I was confident that Ozai visited me once, for I heard his voice ringing in my ears. Mocking me, belittling me, telling me how because of me the Fire Nation is now in good hands, as is my son. That it was for the prosper of the nation and Zuko that I remain here, I wanted to argue back but when I went to speak to him he wasn't there. I must have been dreaming.

----------------------------------------------------------

Today the maid came in to bring me my meal as she did everyday, it was as I have grown accustomed. Until she stepped further into the light then normal and I saw speckled strands of silver hair mixed with her black. My eyes widened, I hadn't seen her hair as such before. I knew she wouldn't speak to me, she had refrained from doing so all this time, but I had to ask just one question.

"Please. How long have I been here?" I asked softly not wanting to startle her or concern her with worry of my voice. She looked at me not with a sense of fright but worry, if not a bit of horror.

"Have you lost track of the time, my lady?" she asked even softer then my own voice was. I nodded gently worry building in my bones at her tone and word usage. "You've been here for four years my Lady..."

Everything stopped. My mind, body, focus, I felt utterly and entirely frozen and disconnected from my body I couldn't even move. This couldn't be true, it just couldn't. I had expected to spend time here, but four years. I hadn't realized the passing of time, let alone the years. In some corner of my mind I always assumed Ozai would return and safe me from this prison, it wasn't until now when I realized he truly meant to leave me here, completely and utterly alone.

"Please, can you answer one more question from me?" I pleaded, falling from my bed and landing on my knees harshly "My son, what has become of him? is he okay?" my eyes swelled, worry within my tone was unmissable. "Please. I never meant to be away from him this long."

The maid watched me closely, instead of worry and horror, sadness and sympathy filled her eyes as she watched me plead. "You're son is alright my Lady. He is close to the Firelord, attends meetings and is learning quickly" her voice was comforting and gentle as she spoke. She continued to keep her distance but I could tell she was trying to give me some comfort after I heard the news.

"Thank you" I mumbled back meekly, my eyes stuck to the floor as reality seemed to crush in and all around me. I heard the soft click of the door close and latch as my hands clammed up, my heart pounding within my chest, and my breathing grew irregular, I didn't feel right.

"Four years..." I mumbled below my breath "you've kept me here for four years?" a spoke louder, my voice rising. I looked over at the door, closed. Locking me inside as some form of criminal. I wasn't the criminal, he was. Yet here I was, drifting away in a dark room away from everyone and everything.

I couldn't remember the feeling of sun on my skin, the smell of fresh air in the spring, the ability to be free to wander the grounds. The taste of food that wasn't this mush of beige and grey colors, something with spices and a pleasant aroma. The taste of fruit and vegetables, warm soup. The sight of a clear night sky, or the feeling of another's hand.

I had forgotten it all, it was a faint memory of what was before but it was nothing more. Here I was fading and forgetting the outside world and he was ruling it in his image and with my son by his side. My son, my Zuko. He was my sunshine, my purpose in life, the one I did all this for. How dare he have my son by his side when he was the very one that tried to have him killed.

"HOW DARE YOU?" I screamed as I scrambled to my feet and banged on the door with all my strength "HOW DARE YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME?" I screamed as loud as I could, as tears overfilled the brims of my eyes and poured down my cheeks. I was being forgotten by the world... what if Zuko forgot about me? what if Ozai poisoned him against me? "LET ME OOOUUUTTT." I fell to my knees but I continued to bang my closed fists against the door, someone, anyone had to be able to hear me.

"PPLLEEAASSEE?!" I cried out for anyone and everyone. "I SHOULDN'T BE HERE!"

----------------------------------------------------------

When I woke my head was resting against the door, I had fallen asleep crying. Trying to listen if anyone was there that could hear me, but no one replied. The door though now was being banged on, on the other side. As if someone was trying to open it, but my body was in the way keeping it shut.

"URSA! MOVE!" Shouted a gruff voice from the other side of the wood as the door was getting pushed harder and harder slowly starting to pry open. I gathered my thoughts in realizing my screams and cries were heard. I quickly scrambled away from the door as with another bang it burst open and the person nearly fell through.

Within that moment all my excitement and joy left my body as I came face to face with Ozai.

He hadn't dare visit me ever within this place, but he was here now. I stood up quickly to make myself appear his equal as he himself straightened up his appearance after nearly falling over from the door. He snickered when he saw me try and tidy my appearance, looking down at me with disgust and pride.

"Don't bother. You've no way to impress me anymore" he mocked

"You misjudge, I wasn't trying to impress you" I mouthed back in deviance. "Why are you here, Ozai?" I questioned, as I fell back so smoothly into Lady Ursa of the Fire Nation.

"Don't play coy, the maid, the guard. They all heard your screaming and crying, your begging" he sneered in disgust as he drawled out the last word. I should have felt insulted but all I could think was they could hear me.

My face must have given me away, as Ozai smirked down at me "I wouldn't be to excited. It was only the nurse and guard. You're too far away for anyone to hear or find."

My heart skipped a beat at his words. "Then why are you here?" I demanded.

"Because. You are a nuisance." the words stabbed me as he spoke "You are pathetic, begging on all fours to a maid. Really Ursa? and I foolishly thought better of you."

"Don't demean me, you've locked me away from every aspect of the world for four years. No contact with anyone. I'm lonely and I miss my son" I snapped in irritance.

"Remember who's fault that is now, Ursa" You killed the Firelord, you were too dangerous to be left alone, but your son is spared. For that you should be grateful" sneered Ozai with indigence.

"I never thought this would be my fate. At least let me see him. just once, to let him know I didn't abandon him, that I still love him, that-"

"I don't believe you are of any concern of his. He has much more important things on his mind anyway. Besides after the wretch you've raised, it's a good thing that I separated you two when I did." my heart beat quickened at his words, at his tone of pride and self-righteousness.

"What did you do?" I asked, my voice quivering as I spoke.

He only smiled.

"What did you do!?" I shouted grabbing his robes, attempting to shake the answer out of him, it only caused his smile to change into an expression of pure rage. He grabbed the my robes from the neck, pulling me off him and throwing me to the ground.

"HOW DARE YOU?" He boomed, infuriated with my actions, but I cared not "You dare, touche me. You filthy nonbender. No wonder you raised such a disrespectful, and dishonorable child!"

"What did you do!?" I screamed again, still on the floor. My hands cut from flooring from when I fell. I voice shook now far more then just a quaver, I knew something happened, I just knew it.

Ozai's smirk returned as he knelt forward, looming over me with such malice my skinned crawled "I banished him." He stated it so coolly, so calm, as if his words carried no importance weight.

"YOu....You what?" I asked, my voice drain of volume

"I. Banished. Him" he stated slowly, into my ear "He was just as dishonorable as you. Speaking against me and my rule, questioning my word and say. Not unlike you did just now" he cooed with malicious intent

"You. Promised me that you would look out for him, that you would protect him!" I screamed into his face and over his voice as loud as I could.

He then slapped me across the face and corrected his posture. "And I kept my word, my brother is with him. He'll live, and he'll live away from me and my rule." my cheeks burned from the slap, as I tried to keep my tears at bay, holding my palm to my cheek. "You'll be fine. It compares not the mark I left on your son." He remarked darkly.

He watched me eyes widen in further fear as he continued "I challenged him to an Agni Kai to learn some honor, but he wept before my feet, like a coward. So I burned a permanent mark into his face, so he will never forgot his place ever again."

The thought, the picture in my mind of Zuko's beautiful sweet face scarred by fire by his own father's hand.... I couldn't let that be...

I grabbed Ozai's legs and pulled them from underneath him, knocking him to the ground. He fell back with a harsh thud as I grabbed his hands to prevent him from using them against me. "You VILE, ABOMINABLE MAN! How dare you touch him!" I proceeded to hit him, in his face, his ribs, and his, anywhere I could reach as I screamed as loud as I could. Tears poured down my face and dripped down onto his robes as I tried to hurt him as much as I could, so he could feel just the smallest amount of pain that I was in, that I had been in for four years.

"GUARDS! GUARDS!" Screamed out Ozai as he squirmed beneath my punches, I wouldn't let go. No. I wouldn't stop, he was a monster and he deserved this pain. Make him pay was all I could hear as though someone was whispering in my ear. I was entirely and fully engulfed within the moment that I hadn't notice the door open. Two guards entered the prison and hauled me off Ozai by my arms as though I weighed nothing.

"YOU MONSTER!" I screamed trying and succeeded in some instances at kicking him as they dragged me off. He deserves to feel as you do "You'll pay!!!!" I shouted out, choking on my tears.

Ozai stood up as soon as I was taken off, he quickly tried to fix his robes and take control of himself and posture. But he was shaken up, I could see it. "As you can see, she isn't well. She's not only a danger to me, but also herself." He looked me dead in the eye, expecting me to quaver, to look away but I didn't. I kept eye contact, I wasn't scared of him. "Restrain her." he stated and went to turn away.

"You can't leave me here for ever!!" I shouted as the guards pulled me away from the door "OZAI! YOU'LL PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID!!!!" I screamed ans shouted. The maid I had known these last four years came in holding a jacket of white fabric that she and the guards used to tie me up, restraining and removing all my ability to move.

"LET ME GO!!" I cried falling over face first into my bed, my arms wrapped tight around me, unable to move. My tears poured from my eyes forming a puddle on the bedsheets. Within a moment they were gone, they were all gone. No one was in there with me, no one would help me as I cried and cried. They heard me before they had to have heard me again. so I cried out for everyone, I wouldn't be quiet, not anymore.

I screamed until my lungs were out of air, until my throat was dry and was unable to rasp out a quiet and dire "help" as I laid in my bed, trapped and alone.

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"Mother. Mother wake up" I opened my eyes, red and swollen from hours of crying "Mother" I looked about the room, only one torch still lit leaving the room is a somber near darkness.

"Hello?" I rasped out, my throat damaged from the screaming.

"Mother, why'd you leave me" The voice came from behind me so I turned towards it, but there was no one there. I looked back forward and then I saw him. He was in the mirror, looking at me with a large bandage over his face. "Why did you let him hurt me?"

"Z-Zuko?" I cried out softly, my beautiful boy. He looked the same when I last saw him all those years ago, except for the bandage over his face "My darling, I-I'm so sorry-" I tried to speak but with each strained word my voice hurt more and more.

"He did this to us. And you let him" he began to cry from his one eye as he stared at me with as much pain as I was in.

"I'm sorr- sor- sorry-" I coughed from the dryness. I tried to move, but I couldn't no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move my legs, my arms, I was trapped unable to move and now unable to speak.

"Mother. Why did you let this happen?" asked the child reflection of Zuko as the last of the torchlight went out.

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protagonistscum · 4 months ago

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realized why I don't read alta fics all that often despite there being major bangers

#i genuinely don't care about alta ships. it was the middest part of the show #and love drama between a bunch of teenagers isn't compelling when compared to the rest of the world #anyways. i look up fic recs. ant.i aa.ng comes up first #yall are REALLY beefing with a 12 year old? deadass?#granted that was at the top since i block a fair amount of alta ships #just lmao??? beefing with a fictional 12 year old?

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monamipencil · 1 month ago

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the way i smiled when i got the notif lmfao. so you love me afterall 😌

BUT WHEN I TELL YOU THIS WAS SO GOOD UGHH. i can't believe i haven't read ur fics yet, is this what im missing out on?!?! and oh this was a pleasant surprise. i love jihoon fics with everything in my being.

and this hit all the spots for me. jealousy? yes. him being so freaking cheeky? yes. and it's jihoon? yes. and the last line EJFAGBVOJSGRNLOUETJN

i had such a good time reading this!! tysm baby 🫶

"Don't forget about me, sweetheart."

ooh, starting off strong

He'd grimace inwardly a bit if your lipstick stained anyone else's lips on the big screen, he'd clear his throat one too many times if you shed any tears during a scene.

CHRIST, a little jealousy

With eyes that never strayed and a heart that only beat for you, he proposed softly as the two of you took a midnight stroll for the first time in a long time.

omg, ur writing?!? i love it so much

Her hand was on his shoulder as they spoke music, and he swiftly moved out of her grasp, sure.

sure

I'm married, please don't touch me

i love reserved men. yes ik this is the BARE minimum.

the same woman you'd starred alongside for three seasons of the very same show you were all celebrating a renewal for tonight

i'm appalled and disgusted. wtf??

"So? She doesn't have to know."

🧍my disgust cannot be translated into words

He raised his brow, and the driver nodded, swiftly raising the partition as Jihoon turned to face you.

me when i read this line

"Something bothering you, sweetheart?"

I choked on my fucking tea. the nerves on this guy

He feels almost guilty for the growing tightness in his pants

KDBFFEDHTRODGI i want to laugh as well as swoon over this man

he can't help but feel his cheeks heat at the visual.

PERVERT

"No." He smiles against your skin,

this cheeky man, jdcidsyfgdxifhycivk

"Why? Aren't you mine?"

You feel his teeth on your shoulder, his voice low as he speaks into your ear. "And keep those heels on for me."

HNDBHKXUGYGVHUJRJNHJ

this is so hot?? ugh, i love this so much

stairway to the stars ☆ l.jh [m]

⤷ part of 'a very seventeen christmas' secret santa event! synopsis: your husband has always been supportive of your dreams - from the sidelines. he stays to himself, he keeps his mouth shut. it's you that can't stop running yours when your co-star is all over him. genre: established relationship au, tiny bit of angst, fluff, smut? pairing: husband!lee jihoon x actress!fem!reader word count: 1.5k...it pained me to stop it here. rating: 18+. minors do not interact. warnings: mentions of jealousy, ideation of infidelity, general relationship dynamics. clit play, kissing, in the backseat...you know the vibes. what to listen to: stargirl interlude - the weeknd, lana del rey ; never lose me - flo milli ; the boy is mine - monica, brandy. author's note: hi baby @monamipencil ♡ i hope you enjoy my little segment for you! i did 1000% pull this out of thin air but please let me know if there is ever anything else i can write for you. much love from your secret santa. ♡

"Don't forget about me, sweetheart." It was one of the few phrases your husband burned in your brain when your career really started taking off. He'd only been your boyfriend then, trying his hardest to prove himself worthy of your affections and time. You promised you wouldn't, over shared bottles of heady Cabernet and stolen kisses. The following years proved most difficult – from fighting over not spending enough time together because of your jobs, to vacationing for months on end without repercussions – you were rising to the top way too fast for him to wrap his head around it.

But never once did his love, loyalty, or respect for you falter. He watched quietly from the sidelines, silently supportive of all your endeavors. He'd grimace inwardly a bit if your lipstick stained anyone else's lips on the big screen, he'd clear his throat one too many times if you shed any tears during a scene. He held your waist at events, a silent reminder that your ascend up the stairway to the stars was in good company.

When you finally got a bit of time for yourself, he made it his priority to become someone more permanent in your life. With eyes that never strayed and a heart that only beat for you, he proposed softly as the two of you took a midnight stroll for the first time in a long time. He apologized for not making it something grand, promising your wedding would be to die for and he'd pull every string possible to give you the honeymoon of your dreams – only for you to stop his rambling with a teary kiss to his lips. Telling your friends the news of the proposal was an exciting feat, until it fell on the ears of multiple of your co-stars. You hadn't ever even spoken of a boyfriend (you had, they just didn't remember), and a few of the men you'd worked with questioned the validity of your engagement, of your relationship – and it eventually got back to Jihoon. Whispers of the startup CEO dating an actress filled his office, side-eyed glances made him uneasy in his own skin and he hated it – he hated that people wouldn't mind their own business.

Needless to say, it pissed him off. He'd never been openly possessive, but a part of him knew that neither of you had an issue understanding where you stood in each other's lives. From dating, to girlfriend, to wife – you'd always been open about who Jihoon was to you and what his presence meant. You never shied away from answering his questions if any, and you proudly presented him as your significant other if he managed to attend any of your events. This alone was enough for the two of you to realize that people in your industry didn't take relationships too seriously, and enough for you to hard-launch your relationship by posting your wedding photos on social media.

The industry did not like that, but you didn't care. You and your agent continued to book role after role, your husband continuing to grow his business and make a name for himself in the world of music production…a stepping stone for him, and the first moment of blood-boiling jealousy you'd ever experienced at the side of Lee Jihoon.

Her hand was on his shoulder as they spoke music, and he swiftly moved out of her grasp, sure. The dance floor was full of couples, a dance floor you'd intended to whisk him onto after reapplying your lipstick in the washroom. Someone Like You by Van Morrison played as you stood a few feet away, your face contorted in a fit of envy as you saw your husband push her hand away, the words I'm married, please don't touch me falling from his lips. The woman grimaced – the same woman you'd starred alongside for three seasons of the very same show you were all celebrating a renewal for tonight – and she shrugged her shoulders, before the dreaded words fell from her own red lips.

"So? She doesn't have to know."

Jihoon looked taken aback, and it was almost like he was a moth drawn to a flame – his eyes landed on you, and the way your jaw was tight with anger as you made your way over.

"Soyoung, nice to see you. Did you lose something here, dearest?" You speak softly, staring at your co-star with eyes of fire. She gave you a sleazy smirk, shaking her head. "Not at all, Y/N. Enjoying the party?" "It's lovely, isn't it? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm feeling a bit under the weather." You gave her a tight smile, your hand wrapping around Jihoon's wrist watch as you pulled him away. He'd never seen you in such a state, eager to get him out of the venue and into the backseat of the black car waiting for you. Your arms were crossed as you sat facing away from him, before he made eye contact with the driver. He raised his brow, and the driver nodded, swiftly raising the partition as Jihoon turned to face you.

"Something bothering you, sweetheart?" He saw the way your shoulders tensed under the wine red straps of your dress, your legs crossed at the knee baring the skin of your thigh under the slit of the skirt. You gave him a glance through the corner of your eye, your lip jutted out in a pout as he cooed at you, making you huff in embarrassment.

"I don't like her." You mutter, "I don't like what she said and I don't like how she was all over you. She's literally my co-star. She knows we're married." "As much as I like your little pout and think you're adorable, I don't like that you're upset. You know I'd never wrong you, especially not like that." He tilts his head at you, making you pinch the bridge of your nose. "I know, Ji. I know." He's not satisfied with your answer, his hand reaching over to graze your knee, biting back his smile at the way your shoulders lose their tension at his touch. Your jaw remains tight, shaking your head in disbelief. "We've been co-stars for three years. You'd think she'd have some fucking respect for me." You were always so calm and collected, never too outwardly expressive of your disdain for people or their actions. He feels almost guilty for the growing tightness in his pants as you click your tongue, facing him as his fingers trace circles into your skin. "You're literally my husband. That's how I introduced you. My husband, Jihoon. Not Lee Jihoon, not the CEO of Ruby Productions, my husband. She's so shameless, I almost pity her." You tongue your cheek with a humorless laugh, and he can't help but feel his cheeks heat at the visual. He's silent as you run a hand through your hair, your earrings swinging as you shake your head again, giving him a pitiful smile.

"I'm sorry, I know this is out of character." You sigh, leaning your head on his shoulder. He nods, shifting slightly as your hand splays across his thigh. You press a kiss to his cheek, stamping your lipstick on his pale skin when you notice the flush on his cheeks. He clears his throat as you stare at him, a look of disbelief glossing over your eyes as you gape at him.

"You liked it?" "In my defense, you're hot when you're mad." He scoffs embarrassedly, making you huff out a laugh. "Jihoon." "I'm sorry." He presses a kiss to your temple as you roll your eyes. "Are you?" "No." He smiles against your skin, and you feel your cheeks heat as he trails his lips down your neck. "I love you, sweetheart. Just you." "I know, Ji." You sigh, feeling a bit of heat pool in your lower belly as he nips at your shoulder with a hum. "I don't think you do. Maybe I should remind you." Your cheeks grow hot as he gently pulls your thigh over his, his teeth nipping at the shell of your ear as he snaps the waistband of your underwear against your hip. "Now you know how I feel. Everyone always has their hands all over you, like you're not spoken for." You shudder as he slips his fingers under the cotton fabric, smirking against your skin as your hand wraps around his watch. You bite down on your lip as his finger traces your clit, your nails barely digging into his wrist. "Ji, not here." Your body betrays your words, your grip on his wrist loosening as he pulls your thigh higher on his lap. "Why? Aren't you mine?" His voice is sultry as you shiver against him, slim fingers collecting your arousal while he nips at your ear.

"Yes, but-" "Oh, there's a but?" He slides a finger inside you easily, your words getting caught in your throat as you whimper. "Hoonie…" "Tell you what, pretty." He slips his hand out as the car slows to stop, the front of the hotel you're staying at coming into view. "We're going to go upstairs and you're gonna take this dress off for me, and I'll show you who the brightest star in my sky is. Go."

You nearly stumble as your husband walks out behind you, his arm wrapping around your waist as he bids the driver goodbye. You feel his teeth on your shoulder, his voice low as he speaks into your ear. "And keep those heels on for me."

#lola's recs <3 #this is the best christmas present and i dont even celebrate christmas #and alta #your writing skills?!?!?#holding everyone at gunpoint to read this pt. god knows

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thelargefrye · 1 year ago

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🌷 SMALLS’ FIC RECOMMENDATION LIST.

i've seen a lot of fic rec lists circulating in the community recently and so i felt like i should also make one to support fellow writers who i think really deserve that extra love and attention.

so this is also an appreciation post because i have quite a few things to say. these are mainly writers that i enjoy reading and think need a lot more love and attention because let's be honest, they have amazing ideas and people are just sleeping on them.

so, i'll just jump right into it! make sure to send these writers love and reblog their works!!!

my best friend and person i share a braincell with : @sanjoongie

check out her master list.

like you want to talk about talent? topaz is the one who breathes talent and ideas that literally no one else is coming up with. like if i had to read only one person for the rest of my life, it would be topaz because her writing is just amazing. her moodboards that she makes for her works, perfect. everything topaz does when it comes to writing is amazing, and i'm so glad that she's my best friend and braincell.

and not only that, but topaz is just nice to be talk to! like she makes you want to repeatedly talk to her and she is so good at helping flesh out my own ideas. i wouldn't have written half the things i did last year if it wasn't for her.

anyways, i'm so grateful and proud to call topaz my braincell because she's so amazing, talented, and nice. it breaks my heart that more people don't talk about HER. like you want to read something different and so well written then you need to read literally ANY work topaz has written.

topaz, my lovely braincell, thank you for putting up with me and my shit 24/7. if it wasn't for you i probably wouldn't have gotten out of my writer's block. and just now that i love you and thank you for being an amazing friend and writer.

and if you've gotten this far, i'll just straight up tell you that this is topaz appreciation post. so now i'll link some of my favorite works by her and tell you why i love them:

twilight academy ( all parts ) ( rated : mature )

wizard professor!seonghwa x wizard professor!f!reader ft. ateez

this currently has four parts and is still ongoing and is literally SO good. like who else is writing about a professor au WHERE THEY ARE ALL WIZARDS. and not to mention the worldbuilding and history that is all mentioned and talked about. its so so so good and the smut in it is absolutely to die for. and the chemistry between seonghwa and mc is so good, i love when they go back and forth.

breed ( part one ) ( rated : mature )

ateez x f!reader ( most of the members are aliens with san and another member being human )

now THIS is an alien au done right and different and basically sum it up with one sentence its "alien!teez doing sexual experiments" (from @/morethingsfandom). like its just so good and the SMUT! THE SMUT IS WHY WE ARE HERE PEOPLE!! THIS IS WHAT SCI-FI SMUT IS ABOUT!!! like this is honestly pure pwp and a nice switch up if maybe twilight academy isn't your thing.

see? topaz does everything!

dragon oracle ( here ) ( rated : mature )

dragon!ateez x dragon!f!reader ( based off of my own dragon au )

THIS!! in my opinion is one of topaz's best works (i may be biased lol) and def my favorite from all time. topaz took my au and did her own spin on it and made it her own. she cared about the source material, asked questions, let me ramble, and then boom! a masterpiece was made. if you like my dragon au, then i highly, HIGHLY recommend you read this. and if you've already read... then read it again.

i wish it was me ( here ) ( rated : 18+ )

water bender!san x avatar!hongjoong x water bender!f!reader x water tribe warrior!yunho ( implied ot8 )

again another fic that is based off of mine but literally made it her own because topaz is just that talented. a "what-if" au for my alta series where mc is a water bender and with san and yunho. absolutely amazing and does so well with writing all the characters and their dynamics. a def read if you love atla!

sweet sorrow of evil ( master list ) ( rated : mature )

ateez x evil queen!f!reader ( members have different roles within the story )

this is a collab story between topaz and me and i couldn't make this post and NOT include this series that we are working on together. this really just shows what two authors can make when they come together. we co-wrote the prologue and are currently writing the first chapter. this world is our baby and i love and it has the both of us in a chokehold, i'm so proud of the world me and here built and i want everyone to see it.

and honestly, that's just the tip of the iceberg cause topaz has SO MANY more but these are just the ones that i always think about. like, i really suggest you all check out topaz's works. i have more of her fics on my fic rec blog (@comicsan) so if you want to see more of her and other fics that i have enjoyed then i would check that blog out.

please go show my bestie support, it would mean the world to me!

thank you 🩷

#ʚ・◞🍥 // smalls talks.#appreciation post #ateez x reader #ateez blurbs #ateez imagines #poly ateez x reader #ateez scenarios #ateez smut #ateez reactions #ateez fanfic #ateez fic recs #ʚ・◞🍥 // moots.

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hometoursandotherstuff · 7 months ago

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This 1978 home in Las Vegas, NV is the ultimate millionaire's Vegas pad. 7bds, 6ba, $2.85M. It's a mid-century modern home, but it's been renovated.

Unlike the usual MCM homes we've seen, this one has few original features. It's very colorful and full of art, so we have to look beyond the decor to determine what it really looks like. I don't know if the ceiling is original, but it looks like the front doors are- they were just painted turquoise.

I like the yellow closet doors and orange in the ceiling, plus the lion mural. They will stay. So will the chandelier (not a fan of it, though).

What a colorful staircase. Not sure that I like that fake garden thing hanging on it, though.

Let's see... take away all the colorful furnishings and there's a stone fireplace and a purple wall. Interesting that they hung all that stuff on the fireplace. Huge living room.

Ultra modern kitchen with an interesting curved wall. I like the colored lights.

Love the colorful countertop. The dining area has a long stone wall with a fireplace and it's been painted white.

Long gallery hall with one purple wall and one white. I would imagine that they leave the carpet runners.

Large primary bedroom has a fireplace and a terrace.

There's a wide pass thru to the en-suite. Very nice MCM graphic on the wall and bright yellow cabinetry. Love the tub.

Look at mirrored shower.

Now, this bedroom I like. They have so many odd-shaped carpets. How do they vacuum them? They'd move all over that floor.

The en-suite has a beautiful floating pink sink.

Very large guest room. The wallpaper's nice, it's a neutral black & white, so the new owners can have whatever colors they like.

Smaller room has a lovely purple graphic wall.

Love the mural in the rec room and the rounded windows. They may or may not take the pink pole.

The rec room opens to this room with purple closet doors.

And, a cool motorcycle bar. I wonder if that conveys. It doesn't look like a built-in.

Now, we've come full circle to the family/pool room off the main entrance hall.

There's an apt. with a large combination living room/kitchen and a bedroom.

I'm disappointed. I thought there'd be a pool, but instead there's a basketball hoop.

The large driveway goes past the front door and the coolest gorilla topiary.

https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/2315-Alta-Dr-Las-Vegas-NV-89107/112465455_zpid/

#mid century modern homes #colorful homes #houses #house tours #home tour

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creads · 8 months ago

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⭐️ guilty as sin. fem!reader x esteban kukuriczka

🪐 minha masterlist

» cw: smut! por favor só interaja se for +18! ; sexo desprotegido; breeding kink; um tico de size kink; alusão à infidelidade; sexo oral fem rec.

» wn: (obviamente) baseado em guilty as sin da mamãe taylor! ouvi a música e pensei nesse cenário, e aí acabei escrevendo essa coisa bobinha rapidinho, espero que vocês gostem!! 💐💋💗

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Lembra-se muito bem do primeiro sonho: Se passava na cozinha da casa que o elenco alugou para comemorar o início das gravações, estava escura, quieta, a única coisa que iluminava o cômodo era a luz do luar que entrava pela porta de vidro que dava de cara para o jardim que vocês tanto riram e beberam durante o dia. Você entrava timidamente no cômodo e deu de cara com Esteban, encostado na bancada com um copo d’água na mão. “Que susto, Kuku…”, você disse, rindo simpática. Ele retribuiu o sorriso e logo começou uma conversa sobre sabe-se lá o que, a lembrança do o tópico se tornou completamente irrelevante quando só conseguia pensar no momento que você tentou alcançar algo na prateleira alta, e Esteban se ofereceu para pegar o objeto, chegando por trás de ti e encostando o corpo no teu. Enquanto Esteban descia lentamente o braço, te olhava com intensidade, e percebia que você contribuía para a tensão palpável que preenchia o recinto, atenta a forma que a luz da lua iluminava a bochecha coradinha e cheia de sardas e como o corpo dele praticamente engolia o seu, de tão maior. Os peitos subiam e desciam rápido ao perceber a distância minúscula entre vocês dois, mas nenhum fez nada para aumentá-la, pelo contrário, se beijaram. O ósculo já começou desesperado, mas ainda lento, Esteban arfava dentro da sua boca enquanto os braços envolviam tua cintura, te puxando para mais perto enquanto uma das mãos grandes descansava na sua bochecha quente, deslizando lentamente até a sua nuca. Interromperam o beijo para só para respirar, inspiravam pesado e expiravam ofegantes, ainda com os narizes encostados, sentindo até o arzinho que saia da cavidade do outro. Não queria abrir os olhos porque sentia que era exatamente do que se tratava - um sonho - e, mesmo assim, não teve nem a oportunidade de retomar o beijo: um barulho vindo da sala assustou vocês dois, fazendo com que Esteban se afastasse, com o olhar hesitante sobre a sua feição, antes de se virar e ir embora.

Talvez o barulho fosse o subconsciente tentando avisar que não era certo pensar assim sobre a pessoa com qual trabalhou junto por quase dois anos, mas isso não era nem de longe o pior da situação: Esteban tinha namorada. A culpa tomava conta do corpo ao pensar que possivelmente o barulho que interrompeu vocês dois fosse ela, indicando o quão errado era imaginar isso. Por mais que a atração sempre estivesse ali desde que se conhecerem, se sentia uma pessoa má, uma pessoa completamente louca. Chegou até a recorrer ao amigo mais próximo de elenco, contando como se sentia mal em ter tido esse sonho, o qual simplesmente assegurou que “Pensamentos ruins não existem, apenas ações falam sobre o seu caráter”. Era difícil reprimir a falsa lembrança dos lábios macios contra os próprios ou como as mãos grandes dele passeavam pelas suas curvas, realizando um desejo que existia desde a primeira semana de filmagem. Se tornou mais difícil ainda depois do próximo sonho.

Nele, vocês dois estavam na sala do apartamento de Esteban, o qual você tinha visitado poucas vezes nas reuniões do elenco que foram lá. Estavam sentados no sofá com um cobertor fofinho que cobria as pernas enquanto assistiam um filme, se refugiavam do frio que fazia em Buenos Aires com ajuda do pedaço de tecido e, principalmente, com o calor vindo do corpo um do outro. Os braços de Esteban te envolviam, conseguiu também ver pela visão periférica que o loiro te encarava, e assim, virou o rosto para ele. “Que foi?”, você perguntou baixinho enquanto admirava o sorriso que se formava nos lábios fininhos, desviando o olhar só para apreciar a beleza dele, como ficava lindo com o cabelo baguncadinho e a barba responsável por te fazer cócegas as vezes, além dos óculos que de alguma forma destacavam mais ainda os olhinhos marrons que te fitavam com tanta adoração. “Filme chato…”, ele disse e chegou o nariz perto do seu, tombando a cabeça para o lado só para encaixar os lábios nos teus, deixando um selinho ali. “Você que me chamou pra ver ele, Kuku…”, você sorria entre os selinhos que cada vez ficavam mais demorados, e sorriu ainda mais quando os beijos desceram até seu pescoço.

“Eu pensei em outra coisa tão melhor pra gente fazer…”, ele dizia enquanto descia cada vez mais pelo seu corpo, deslizando para fora do sofá e agilmente se posicionando de joelhos entre suas pernas, depositando um selinho no seu joelho exposto. “Kuku… O diretor não mandou você ver esse filme?”, você ria baixinho enquanto questionava o loiro que te olhava enquanto beijava sua pele macia, franzindo o cenho e balançando um não com a cabeça ao chegar na barra do seu short de pijama. “Mas do que adianta eu ver esse filme se não vou prestar atenção?”, ele deu de ombros ao falar a frase, se fazia de inocente enquanto enfiava os dedos compridos no cós do seu shortinho e lentamente o retirava, fazendo você suspirar ao sentir beijos molhados sendo depositados na parte interna da sua coxa. “Então presta atenção, boludo…”, você rebateu enquanto fazia carinho nos fios claros e desalinhados, como se não quisesse que ele te devorasse logo. E ele sabia disso, é claro, te conhecia como a palma da mão, sabia que você suspirava assim quando já estava extremamente excitada, sabia também que não resistia quando ele apertava as suas coxas e deixava mordidinhas leves ali, tudo enquanto não tirava os olhos de ti.

“Mas eu quero te chupar, nena…”, o tom de voz era doce, nem parecia que a frase saia da boca de alguém que tanto te provocava. Esteban te lambeu por cima do tecido fininho, lentamente, enquanto ainda te fitava com os olhos marrons por trás das lentes. Admirava o jeito que você mordeu seu inferior e balançou um ‘não’ desacreditado com a cabeça, e principalmente o jeito que seu peito subia e descia mais rápido, com os mamilos marcados na blusa confortável devido ao frio. “Nossa, nem deu pra perceber…”, você disse, espontânea, o distraindo ao fazê-lo rir, e logo se juntando a ele, as risadas baixinhas dos dois preenchiam o cômodo. Ele permaneceu com o rosto pertinho da sua buceta, esfregando até o nariz devagarinho ali, te fazendo arrepiar quando esbarrava no seu pontinho sensível, e ainda mais quando ele, entre sorrisos, deixou mais um beijo molhado por cima do tecido, logo enfiando os dedos no lado da calcinha, arrastando ela para o lado. Te admirava enquanto uma das mãos ficou encarregada de manter a calcinha afastada, expondo sua intimidade já molhada para ele, e como ele ainda ria do seu comentário, passou os dedos livres entre suas dobrinhas, espalhando ainda mais a umidade que você liberava.

Antes mesmo que ele pudesse se afogar no meio das suas pernas, o sonho foi interrompido pelo despertador. Depois disso, o dia inteiro foi um inferno, o banho gelado não conseguia tirar a imagem tão íntima da cabeça; pior ainda quando chegou ao set de gravação, sentia as bochechas arderem só de ouvir a voz que sussurrava coisas sujas no sonho. Desde então, os sonhos ficavam cada vez mais recorrentes, o que por um lado era bom, afinal, esse era o único jeito que conseguia viver esse amor impossível: na imaginação.

O mais recente se diferenciou dos outros pelo fato de vocês - aparentemente - já estarem juntos, os toques e os beijos afetuosos não eram novidade para nenhum dos dois, que entrelaçavam as pernas e as mãos por baixo dos lençóis, enquanto a luz do sol entrava pela cortina, iluminando levemente o cômodo “Só mais uns minutinhos, Kuku…”, você dizia enquanto beijava o rostinho sonolento do homem, arrastando o nariz pela barba falhadinha que exalava o cheiro do seu sabonete facial. “Nena… Você sabe que não vão ser só minutinhos…”, enquanto ele te advertia, as mãos grandes apertavam sua coxa e subiam lentamente até sua bunda exposta, uma vez que você usava apenas uma camisa dele e uma calcinha. “Dale, amor… Tô com saudade…”, seus beijos desciam até o pescoço e você jogava a perna até o lado oposto do quadril do homem, se posicionando no colo dele e mexendo devagarinho para frente, o permitindo sentir a calcinha quente e já molhada contra a ereção, só coberta pela bermuda de moletom. Sua língua entrava devagarinho na boca do loiro, que sorria contra o beijo, fazendo você copiá-lo ao sentir os dedos compridos descerem pelos seus corpos cada vez mais, e sem muita enrolação, abaixando o cós da bermuda e logo depois chegando sua calcinha para o lado. Esteban gemeu um “Hmm…” baixinho em satisfação ao sentir o quão molhada você estava, antes mesmo de firmar a base do pau e te afundar nele. E quando finalmente fez isso, os dois gemeram, as bocas que formavam um ‘o’ perfeitinho contra a outra, só se desfazendo para darem um sorriso preguiçoso, completamente em sincronia. Você - que nunca se cansava do jeito que ele te preenchia como ninguém - afundou o rosto na curva do pescoço dele enquanto gemia baixinho ao sentir as mãos grandes agarrando sua bunda, fazendo você subir e descer no comprimento do membro.

“Acho tão bonitinho você desesperadinha assim por mim, amor… Te comi a noite toda ontem e você ainda quer mais, não é?”, ele sussurrava no seu ouvido entre gemidos. “Sorte a sua que eu não consigo resistir essa bucetinha gostosa, nena… Deixa eu te encher de porra de novo, hm? Só pra ter certeza que coloquei um filhinho dentro de você? Hm?”

Ao acordar, sentia o corpo pesado, molhado de suor até. Era tudo tão real… Não conseguia evitar em olhar para o teto e se sentir mal. Se sentir mal em desejar que esses sonhos fossem ainda mais recorrentes. Pior ainda por, na verdade, desejar que eles se tornassem realidade: o jeito que você chupava os dedos compridos, que ele agarrava seus peitos e que beijava seu pescoço. Até as juras de amor, como era bom externalizar que te amava e te queria para sempre sem sentir culpa nenhuma. Afinal, com você em cima dele e ele dentro de você, se esvaziando todinho na sua buceta que cada vez mais o apertava, não tinha problema nenhum falar isso. Bem, era a realidade, no sonho.

Já na vida real, Esteban olhava fixamente para o teto do quarto escuro enquanto ouvia a respiração baixinha da mulher ao lado. Soltou um ar pesado que segurava nos pulmões ao sentir a culpa novamente tomar conta do seu corpo, já que a protagonista dos sonhos dele estava longe de ser a namorada deitada ao lado, a qual dormia tranquilamente. Não, a estrela dos sonhos era você, a amiga de elenco que fazia com que fosse cada vez mais difícil de ver as fotos que você postava nas suas redes sociais: já trabalhando em um filme novo, de volta no Brasil. Ou pior ainda quando pegava o celular de madrugada e mexia na própria galeria de fotos enquanto fumava na varanda do apartamento que dividia com a outra mulher, perdendo até noção do tempo ao ver as fotos do elenco que você aparecia, ou os vídeos que registravam sua risada e seu jeitinho que o encantou desde a primeira vez que colocou os olhos em ti. Será que você já tinha tido sonhos assim com ele? Ou talvez, será que sonhava acordada que nem ele as vezes? Será que você pensava tanto nele quanto ele em você?

— Esteban? Estás despierto? — A voz baixinha e sonolenta da mulher ao lado interrompeu os pensamentos do homem. A frustração que o corpo inquieto demonstrava deve ter acordado ela, ou o suspiro que deu enquanto pensava em você.

— Aham.

— ¿Qué pasó? — Ela perguntou ainda virada de costas para ele.

�� Nada, solo un sueño. Pero no te molestas, ya me voy a dormir.

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» wn2: ihihihi 🤭🤭 confissão: o que me animou de escrever isso foi o plot dos sonhos serem dele e não da leitora espero que tenha surpreendido!! se não, por favor finjam! e ai KKKKKKKKKK JUROOO que eu pensei nisso e fiquei assim okayyy its giving camila shakespeare lispector 😛😛😛 mas aí lembrei que vi isso em bridgerton e aí pensei ata daí que veio essa ideia 😆😆 muito silly da minha parte mas enfim, gostaram?? novamente minhas lobinhas swifties this one is for you!!! obrigada por terem lido até aqui!!! amo amo amo vocês 💋💋✨

#cwrites #esteban kukuriczka smut #esteban kukuriczka x reader #esteban kukuriczka #lsdln x reader #lsdln cast #lsdln smut

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lucca-strangee · 1 year ago

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[Uma thread informativa a todos! <3]

𝕄𝕒𝕔𝕣𝕠𝕤 𝕖 𝕄ú𝕤𝕔𝕦𝕝𝕠𝕤💪🏻

[A] Carboidratos:

Principal combustível utilizado pelo corpo como fonte de energia. É ele que vai te fazer aguentar correr, respirar, treinar e etc.

Ele pode ser divididos em dois tipos: carboidratos simples e carboidratos complexos.

— Carboidratos Simples:

São digeridos de forma rápida, produz a sensação de fome com facilidade. Elevam o índice glicemico (famoso pico de energia).

Exemplos = qualquer fast food, açúcares, doces em geral, bolos, massas, etc.

— Carboidrato Complexo:

São absorvidos mais lentamente, promovem sensação maior de saciedade, ajuda o organismo a processar melhor as vitaminas e proteínas. Ricos em nutrientes.

Exemplos = batata doce, arroz integral, vegetais em geral, aveia, feijões, ervilhas, lentilhas, etc.

[B] Proteínas:

Repõe a energia que foi gasta, aumenta e reconstrói o tecido muscular.

Proteína após o treino sempre! Quando você treina, seus músculos ficam "machucados" pelas contrações, a proteína ajudar a "sarar" o seu corpinho pós treino.

Mas, lembrem-se: nem toda proteína é limpa!

A proteína será considerada "suja": quando vier acompanhada de muito sódio e gordura saturada. Evite a proteína que vem de embutidos!

Exemplos: salsichas, nuggets, carnes fritas, e etc.

— Proteína limpa: peito de frango, atum, tilapia, soja, ovo, grão de bico e etc.

[C] Gorduras:

Fonte importante de energia (dá um gás para a contração muscular), promovem saciedade, produção de ácido biliar (essencial na digestão), ajuda na produção de hormônios.

Evitem passar de 15g de gordura saturada por dia, pois, assim como o carboidrato, nem toda gordura é boa!

— Gorduras limpas: oleaginosas, ovo, peixes, abacate, coco, chocolate amargo e etc.

— Gorduras saturadas: todas as porcarias que você imaginar ☠️ manteiga, miojo, salsicha, pastel, nutella, sorvetes e etc.

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• O que leva a perda de músculos?

Simples, dietas altamente restritivas e o porquê disso é simples:

Poucas proteínas provocam perda de massa muscular!!

Como expliquei antes, é a proteína que ajuda na construção e manutenção dos músculos, logo, a falta de proteína reflete diretamente na perca dos mesmos!

Aliás, a restrição total de carboidratos também contribuem pra essa perda!!

Mesmo que o carboidrato não ajude no tecido muscular, ele é a principal fonte de energia do corpo, logo, se você consome pouco ou nada, o corpo vai buscar energia em outras fontes, consequentemente queimará músculo.

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• Já respondendo uma outra pergunta que muitos fazem: Academia não vai te fazer crescer!!

É simplesmente IMPOSSÍVEL ganhar músculo com você fazendo alta restrição.

Você vai no máximo desmaiar por não comer carboidratos suficiente e não ter energia pra terminar uma sequência de exercícios!!

• E respondendo a mesma pergunta só que ao contrário: Você não vai hipertrofiar (ganhar músculo) comendo tão pouco!!

Multiplica seu peso por 1,6-2g e o total é a quantidade de proteína, em gramas, que você tem que consumir por dia pra ter PELO MENOS uma definição.

Pra ganhar músculo mesmo (hipertrofiar) é de 1,8-2,4g de proteína por quilo. Tem que comer a mais que a TMB e fazer musculação. Faz o cálculo que com o resultado você verá o porquê eu digo que é impossível ganhar músculo comendo 500 kcal!!

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[Parte dessa thread não é de minha autoria, foi inspirado na thread de um querido do twt que entrou em rec e desativou, então não tenho link do perfil ou da thread original !]

Espero ter esclarecido todas as dúvidas e acabado com suas paranóias.

Beijinhos <3

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unwarranted-opinions · 7 months ago

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Book Recs Based on TV Shows

If you like Avatar The Last Airbender then you might enjoy reading So Let Them Burn!

So Let Them Burn is a fantasy YA book written by Kamilah Cole following the point of view of two sisters trying to save their country and each other.

What happens to the child hero after the major battle is over? Where does their story go from there? Faron Vincent was gifted the powers of the gods to defeat the dragon-riding Langley Empire and free her island of San Irie at only the age of 12. And at 12 years old she freed her island. But now what? It's been five years since, she has all the powers of the gods and nothing to do with them. From what the queen asks of her it seems Faron is now just given the powers to remind other nations of San Irie's threat and preform party tricks at peace summits.

Elara is Faron's older sister and has always been in the shadow of her saint sister. Together she ran away with Faron to fight Langley Empire. After her island is freed, Elara is nervous that her name will be lost to history while her sister's name is praised as legend. This all changes when at the peace summit Elara gets bonded to a Langley dragon and it's rider, a bond only breakable by death.

Reeve Warwick is Elara's best friend, the son of the leader of the Langley Empire, and the Langley Empire's biggest traitor. He risked his life to give crucial information to the San Irie army that changed the war, now he lives in San Irie when the people still hate him for sharing a face with the people who enslaved them for decades, even worse people think he might be a spy. Faron doesn't even trust him, but to save her sister she has to work with him.

Queen Aveline was a normal farm girl till Faron was told by the gods to find her. Aveline's parents have given her up for her protection, but after their death Aveline was forced into the role of queen at only 16. Queen was not a job Aveline was prepared for, especially in a country recovering from war with threats everywhere and war still on the horizon.

Will the political challenges of the nation and this sisterly bond bring the world down or will Faron and Elara be able to save their country and each other.

BTW: This is part of a series and only the first book is out so if you can't read incomplete series then I don't suggest reading this one.

Here is my character comparison to ALTA (because I couldn't stop thinking about while reading) Faron: If Toph was the avatar rather than Aang. Elara: Sokka. Reeve: Zuko. Queen Aveline: Katara.

#books #queer books #ya books #fantasy books #new books #sapphic books #lgbt books #books and reading #avatar the last airbender #atla #zuko #katara #so let them burn #dragon #fantasy #kamilah cole #avatar fandom

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ricardian-werewolf · 10 months ago

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Chapter 2: When I am King, you will be first against the wall.

Ao3 Link

Song rec for this chapter;

Not Yet/Love Run, by the Amazing Devil. Summary:

What happens the morning after an epic meltdown from the Sankta Sol? Healing, a chance at newfound hope, and a whole lot of information on botany and embroidery.

Word count: 5,629.

Notes: Title taken from Paranoid Android by Radiohead - specifically the line that @rovinglemon always loves. TWs: None.

Chapter below the cut:

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Alina’s eyes blinked open. She squinted at her surroundings, at the dark green curtains of velvet with their corded ties. The bed she was tucked into certainly wasn’t her own. Alina’s fingers instinctively twitched, to summon even a bare flicker of light. Yet, the hunger remained unfulfilled.

Exhaustion and misery filled her, and she flopped back down in the bed, turning away. She slipped under the sheets warmed by her own body’s heat and drew them over her. Cocooning herself made the most sense - for what good could she do? She was naught but a broken orphan girl.

Even her cartography skills had been torn from her hands. That last thought stilled the spiral of her thoughts, however - she was not naught but a broken orphan girl. She’d been a soldier longer than she’d been Grisha. Her allegiance was owed first and foremost to Ravka, not to Mal or to Nikolai, but to the state. She could still draw a fucking map.

Alina’s golden eyes narrowed in the dim light, and she parted the tented curtains of the four-poster bed to reveal the rest of what was certainly Nikolai’s bedchamber. He was long gone, of course, but a note rested on the love-seat of green velvet under the bed’s baseboard. Alina’s slender fingers reached for it, and she broke the sapphire blue seal.

To my dear friend, Sankta, lover….

Alina,

I’ve taken the liberty of leaving you undisturbed in my chambers for the night. Please don’t even dare to think that this is a debt to be repaid, lovely. Most certainly not. I spent a most splendid night on the couch, and while my back may hate me for the next decade, I slept easy knowing you would be safe.

Dominik the Bold, my dearest and oldest of friends, and coincidentally also a First Army Major in the 22nd, has elected made himself available to you. While he is my right-hand, I hope he shall be a confidant for you. The man with him, no doubt there now, is Isaak, my valet. He’ll be sure to provide you with my whereabouts, whenever you read this.

Please feel free to avail yourself of anything in my wardrobe if it suits you - yes, I know that robe of mine you’ve adopted will no doubt be part of your trousseau - I hope that some other clothes make it there as well. Either way, what is mine is also yours.

Your devoted princeling,

Kolya,

Nikolai L.

Alina’s smile grew as she traced her name in his slender hand, which in Ravkan reminded her of the strokes of a pen on a map, titling Os Alta or Amhrat Jen. That kind of handwriting had to have been trained into him. She had an almost innate sense that normally Nikolai’s handwriting would’ve been on-par with David’s.

Alina’s fingers reached for the green satin robe that she’d become so attached to when they were in Os Alta, and she drew it over her shoulders. Belting it in a knot, she padded over to the door, and pushed the handle down. It swung open with a low click. The nagging fear of him locking her in dissipated.

Standing by the fireplace was a man, dressed immaculately in his First Army major’s field uniform, the hussar-style frogging on his chest was dim, even in the light in the Anbaric lamp at his shoulder. His hair was so dark brown as to be black, along with his eyes.

Alina had a sneaking suspicion this was Dominik. The younger lad at Dominik’s left, clad in the First Army uniform is a lieutenant in the infantry, was Isaak. Bubbly and prone to speaking several languages - both facts Alina had found on the back of Nikolai’s letter - she straightened.

“Major, Lieutenant. Good morning. Niko-The Tsarevich had the good fortune to inform me of your names.” she smiled, watching both men with slightly widened eyes. Innocence rolled off her in waves. She needed to be steel.

Penance, Sankta.

Alina imagined drowning the Apparat in a vat of Malmsey wine, a feat she’d not been able to do last night. Maybe breakdowns in Nikolai Lantsov’s private solar was a roundabout way to being cured of this lingering madness in her mind.

“General,” Dominik bowed his head, and Alina realized with a welcome jolt, that Nikolai had given Dominik her rank as head of the Second Army. Power still lay in her hands, even if she couldn’t summon it.

Isaak saluted her cheerfully, a grin cracking his face like a fine vase. Alina smiled, straightened her back. “At ease, gentlemen. Now, Major Lantsov informed me that Isaak would be willing to show me where his commanding officer is?”

Isaak nodded, crab-walking over to Alina’s side with pure joy written clear across his face. Knowing Dominik and Isaak, they’d probably heard a lot about her from Nikolai. Part of her felt shy about it, but their open smiles and easy, relaxed presence, put her at ease. These were men she could trust, who’d not sell her out at the first opportunity.

“Yes, general. However the major did advise that you might wish to change first,” Dominik answered, his gaze averted slightly. The lack of an urge to ogle her was a welcome relief. Alina moved the collars of the bedrobe tighter, just to be safe, but she slipped her hands into the pockets as a compromise.

“Major Lantsov left out clothes for you in the bathing chamber in the room to the left of the bed. Let me know once you’re done, and we can go,” Isaak beamed, then added a hasty: “General, ma’am.”

“The two of you may call me Alina. You’re as much the Major’s friends as mine.” Alina smiled as she looked at the two-gobsmacked men, and swept off to change. Crossing the bedroom, she slipped through a white oak door to a bathing chamber that had her jaw hitting the marble floor.

This was decadent. The main centerpiece of the bathing chamber was the massive claw-foot bathtub that overlooked the Elbjen mountains in all their snow-capped glory. The window was huge, in a rose style, stained with a kaleidoscope of glass in a rainbow of colors. It belonged in a church, if anything. But, Alina suspected, the window was as much for Nikolai as it was for her. She noted the wash-basin, marble. The floors were like all the others in the Spinning Wheel, heated by those boilers below her feet. The curtains around the tub provided privacy and there was even a window seat with a nook for books. The ceiling above her head was painted to look like the night sky, complete with all the accurate constellations, and the walls around her were painted to be a sea on a calm summer morning. The teal and blue accents on the back-splash over the sink made for quite the charming addition.

She could almost see Nikolai occupying the space, stretched out in the tub with his feet tucked up over the edge, a book in his perfectly manicured hands. The little strands of his hair, damp with warm water curling into an adorable frizz…

Alina shook her head, groaned, and went over to perform her morning ablutions. Nikolai had seen to have Genya tell him what Alina liked, and she was most grateful for it. Her toilette of hair-brush, toothbrush and paste, some Grisha Fabrikator creams for her face, all of it had been meticulously arranged. On a shelf by the garde-robe, her familiar olive Second Army uniform waited.

Slipping off the robe, Alina adjusted her chemise and drawers, and hoped that Genya had left out a corset. Upon finding it to be the case, she grabbed her boots from next to the garde-robe curtain, and slipped them on, pausing to lace each boot up. The stockings she slid on before them were secured with a garter. She wrapped the corset around her body and locked the hooks and eyes into place, then tightened the corset to her desired degree, and tied the ribbons. Technically she could have worn a girdle under the corset to allow her to fasten the stockings, but she preferred ribbons or the elastic garters. From there, standing, she reached for a light cotton petticoat, then over it went two woolen petticoats. Over that went the velvet woven skirt. Her shirtwaist was tucked into the belt of the skirt, and the suspenders snapped cleanly into place. The tunic with its hussar frogging and the braid, buttoned neatly up to her neck.

Alina stepped back over to the mirror on the washbasin, combed her hair out and began to braid her hair. By creating a hole in the top of the braid, she was able to tuck it all in, and then pinned the straggling strands in place with u-shaped pins. Admiring her visage for a second, she neatly hung the satin robe on the back of the bathing chamber’s door, and headed out, closing the door behind her.

Her boots tapped on the hardwood floor and she smiled at Isaak and Dominik once again as they noted her come in. Dominik was quick to hand her a cup of tea and a few pastries. “Apologies for the lateness of the breakfast, ma’a-” he smiled. “-Alina.” he looked sheepish.

Alina grinned.

“It’s alright, Major. No ill will.” She focused her gaze on Isaak. “Now, mind leading me to see Major Lantsov, Lieutenant?”

He gave her a snappy salute, opened the door of the room for her, and led her through a series of long, tapestry decked hallways. “These were the monastery’s old foundations. The rooms that you had, up above, were the rooms Major Lantsov added in first. He started from the top above and worked his way down. At that point in the renovations, he’d gotten very obsessed with the idea of Fabikrated glass structures. We’ve even got a greenhouse.” Isaak explained as they passed a series of map-rooms filled with various 22nd soldiers, Grisha, and former smugglers. Alina caught sight of Zoya and Mal discussing things with Colonel Raevksy.

Her stomach twinged. People would be gossiping. She’d not been in her room. It’d been 3 bells or later when she’d entered Nikolai’s rooms, and it was veering towards 12 now. She counted backwards. 9 hours in his room. Enough time for quite the rumor mill to begin turning. She silenced those thoughts with a sticky pastry filled with blackberry jam and washed it down with tea.

She was just glad it wasn’t pickled herring. Now that there was something in the black-hole of her stomach, Alina’s eyes returned to roving the halls. The tapestries weren’t, she was surprised to find, histories of Ravka. They were medieval European pieces of various mythical beasts of Ravka. Of course, the Firebird mid-flight, claws out to tear someone to pieces. The Stag, antlers gleaming in the moonlight, and Rusayle glared down at her from their flanking positions near the iron-box.

“He’s in the greenhouse. Tending to quite the plant, I believe.” Isaak explained as he shut the grille and the box rose up, and up. The blackberry pastry settled in her stomach. Being sick now was going to be quite the feat.

Isaak slid the grille aside, and stopped. “He’s just through the double-glass doors.” He saluted her, slid the grille shut again, and cranked the lever. He was gone before she could even blink. Alina watched the box descend, and turned back to the double glass doors.

The wall of the greenhouse facing the iron box was made of costly paned glass. Alina’s fingers paused on the cool metal handles. A part of her twinged in fear. What did Isaak mean by “quite the plant?” She hoped it wasn’t something dangerous. It’d do her no good to see Nikolai and be tended by him, only to lose him from a wayward rose thorn.

Get in there, Alina.

She settled her shoulders, and pushed the doors inwards. The temperature was warm, clammy. It reminded her of the summer nights at Kermazin, when she couldn’t sleep as a child. She unbuttoned her tunic and draped it over her shoulders, using the collar piece to hold it in place. The floor under her feet was red-brick with white seams, and the plants around her flourished with life. Summer cherries, apples, all kinds of fruits. Blossoming trees surrounded the space in a fragrance she’d not smelt in months. Not since the Little Palace. There was a whole wing of the greenhouse she noted as she passed it, sealed off in a heavy glass door with a dial-setting. The plants in there glowed with a strange luminance. No doubt for the Healers and Fabrikators.

“Nikolai?” she called out, disliking the uneasy silence.

“Alina! Over here!” Nikolai answered. Suddenly, there was a large, animalistic growl of some creature, and a wet squelch. Then, a purr broke the cacophony. “Good girl, you had me worried for a second…” she heard Nikolai murmur. Alina’s face turned puzzled as she rounded a bend. That puzzlement turned to horror, as she spotted a massive green plant with leaves and writhing tentacles sink her teeth into Nikolai’s hand.

“Nikolai!” she shrieked.

Nikolai grinned. “It’s all fine, Alina. Don’t shout, you’ll frighten her.” He murmured, turning back to the massive plant. He opened his hand and the monster released its grip, leaving his hand unharmed. Whatever was in his hand was swallowed by the monster.

“Her?” “Audrey.” Nikolai corrected, stepping over to scratch the plant’s leafy underside. Alina could only watch in shock, and horror. Her mouth opened and closed like a gasping fish, and she shook her head. “It has a name?!”

“She has a name. And don’t worry, she’s perfectly harmless. I was worried she wasn’t eating, so I’ve been coaxing her to take smaller bites of meat for the past few hours.”

“Meat.” Alina replied, still in a state of shock. “Fine. What is she?” She cocked her head to one side. Her simple education at Keramzin hadn’t covered botany, nor had her studies as a Sun Summoner. No one really dealt with plants when one was an Etheralki. Corporalki did, albeit in a limited sense since they were healers and were responsible for the body. Materialki were the most well-associated, especially Alkemi.

“A venus fly trap.” Nikolai replied cheerfully as Audrey let out another purr and let Nikolai examine her teeth. Alina noted the heavy blacksmiths apron he wore, and gloves. A thought overtook her suddenly. “Is this greenhouse… yours?”

He nodded without looking up. “I’ve planted everything here, tended to it. The greenhouse used to be where the hangar is now, before I figured out how to not crash my airships. Those were the days.” his eyebrows furrowed as he poked a finger into Audrey’s pot-soil.

“And how did you acquire… Audrey?” The name felt foreign on Alina’s tongue, but she pushed past it, forcing herself to look the plant in the eye. Audrey snaked out a vine, probed Alina’s booted foot, and yanked.

“Audrey…” Nikolai growled. “She’s not for eating.”

“But she’s so tasty!” the plant wailed as Alina was dangled upside down in front of the plant’s gaping mouth. “I could gobble her up!”

“Audrey, put her down, gently!”

The plant growled, then began whimpering. “I’m starvin, Nik!”

“I fed you a whole steak a mere bell-toll ago, and yet!” Nikolai shook his head in fond exasperation. “No, Audrey, you’re just a jealous little beastie, mm?” he calmly knelt at Alina’s feet and gripped the vine tight.

“Now, let go.” the princely mask slipped to become a general’s harsh command, and the vine slackened. Alina’s feet drew close to her chest and her face was full of ill-concealed fear. “W-was she really going to eat me?” Alina gasped.

“Of course not. She’s just in a bad mood because I ‘neglected’ her by not feeding her when she woke up. She’s like a house cat - one that could eat 4 fully grown men and still complain at me.” He noted Alina’s white face and rushed to add: “She doesn’t eat people… I supplement her diet with plants.”

“Cannibalism,” Audrey growled.

“And she just lives here?! W-what if she got out, somehow?”

Nikolai raised a brow. “She’d be very remiss to move from the green house. She’s a spoiled plant, and going outside even for a minute would give her frost so bad, she’d die. Which will not be happening.” He examined the belt at his waist and reached for a spray bottle.

Audrey hissed like an angered cat.

“Auds, it’s not for you, it’s for the hydrangeas.” Nikolai’s left brow rose in a mock confusion. He examined a sapphire blue blossom, and beckoned Alina over. “I got these in France as seedlings. They’re from the Normandy region.” His gaze softened as he stroked the petals with a hesitant finger.

“In the language of flowers they mean heartless, or frigid. Suppose that makes sense as for why Vasily made them his heraldic flower…” Nikolai’s fingers tensed around a petal, which tore under the pressure. “Some wealthy courtesan in Careyeva got it in his head, one summer.”

The ache of losing his older brother, even if he’d still been an ass intent on hanging onto the throne by his claws, haunted Nikolai. Alina’s fingers gingerly reached for his linen-clad arm, and she noted the lightly blue dyed shirt he wore. This one had little sea-serpent scales embroidered on the cuffs and tiny suns on the wide collar tabs that ended in a V covered by the apron’s front.

“Sea-whip scales?”

“I..” Nikolai looked down at the cuffs and blushed scarlet. “An embroidery project…” he rubbed at the back of his neck with his hand. Hives were going to erupt any second.

“Nikolai..” Alina held the wrist closest to her in her tiny hands - her thumb and first finger couldn’t even touch around the expanse of skin and linen. She realized that the cuffs also had tiny lace frippy bits at the edges.

“You embroidered them? That’s…”

Unmanly, feminine, too much, too weird. Nikolai’s mind was becoming quite the self-hating space, and he gulped as Alina opened her mouth again.

“Amazing. The details!” She held his wrist up to the light, noting the sea-whip’s scales were actually just the whole beast. The little ruby buttons were Rusalye’s eyes. The thread was probably silver with hints of gold-work. The beautiful work made the scales shimmer and dance in the Anbaric light from lanterns strung through the greenhouse over their heads.

“Don’t be daft..” his lip wobbled.

“I shall be,” she replied, noting the suns on the collar of his shirt. “Why so small? This is art, Nikolai.”

“It’s not respectable for a prince to embroider… though soldiers do have to learn how to sew if they plan to fix any of their clothes…” Nikolai’s head turned away, and Alina reached up to touch his chin as she’d done the night before, drawing his gaze back to hers.

“I can’t sew for the life of me, Nikolai, and embroidery was more my mangling the fabric than anything respectable. Your sewing, your gardening… All of this makes you more complex, more you. I wouldn’t change that for all of the gold in Ravka’s coffers.”

Nikolai blinked, chewed his lip. If he cried now, here, he’d die of shame. He’d not cried since Halmhend. Well… he had wept over the loss of the Little Palace, and again when he’d learned of Alina’s return from the Apparat’s grasp.

He just hadn’t cried today.

Alina’s hand touched his cheek again, and his composure broke. Sniffling, he pulled her to him and buried his face in her alabastar-white hair. He felt her arms snake around his stomach and run up and down his back, which all in all made him cry harder.

Alina glared daggers at Audrey, who had gone stonily silent. A vine snaked across the brick and mulched ground and yanked over a wicker chaise long, then gently nudged Alina and Nikolai to sit. All without Alina losing her grip on Nikolai’s back. If she did, she had a feeling he’d shatter.

He sat with a soft thump and instinctively sank back until he was lying down. Alina was compressed on top of him, and stretched out to accommodate. She took his tear-soaked face in her hands and gently kissed his forehead, his eyelids, and traced her lips down his cheeks.

“Let it out, love.” She murmured, blushing as his hands wrapped tight around her and his nose burrowed into the crook of his neck. Judging by the sounds of his sobs, he’d not cried properly for a long while. Probably barely even ever been soothed.

Alina wondered about that childhood nanny he’d mentioned the night before. What’d happened to her? She set her question aside for later, and returned to fisting her fingers in Nikolai’s curls as he stained her tunic collar with his tears. She should really be sitting up with his head in her lap, but she feared moving him.

Their size difference hadn’t ever really been an issue. As small and slight as she was, Alina was able to take up quite a lot of space in Nikolai’s life when the need called for it. A part of her fretted he’d be hurt by Morozova’s antlers poking out through the collar of her tunic, and she grumbled.

Nikolai whimpered, and she gently kissed his temple to soothe him.

“No, love, not you.” she breathed, tears pooling in her own eyes. Salty and hot, they flowed down her face. What were these blasted things worth if she couldn’t summon the sun? Her morning felt like it’d come full circle. Once more, her value rested on her ability to conjure what humanity had been doing for milenia.

You’re a soldier. Get off your high horse and put what Nikolai needs before you. He needs you, so act up to the challenge.

“You’re crying..” He sniffled. “W-was it me?” His voice cracked.

“No,” Alina breathed. “I was worried you’d get poked by the antlers.” A hesitant smile cracked her stoic expression.

“Oh,” Nikolai sniffed. He fought to keep a grin off his face. He looked so like the little boy she’d glimpsed the night before, that she couldn’t help but say the same words he’d said to her when she’d shut down.

“D-don’t shut me out, Kolya. Please,” she breathed.

He hummed something, and ducked his head. “I wouldn’t dream of it… Sunshine.” his voice wobbled. He scrubbed his eyes and settled back. Alina’s eyes locked with his, and she traced a finger down his cheek, tilting his chin.

“I mean it.” She looked at him with something harder than steel in her gaze, but it tempered itself. “You said it so yourself - ‘love makes no sense to those swimming in its tide. Yet, it’s a tide that brings you home when you need it the most, a tide that keeps you buoyant when storms rock your craft. It would never turn against you.’ I would never leave you to drown.”

Nikolai hiccuped, tried to hide his vulnerability behind one of his masks, but he relented. If he was going to be honest with her, he had to show her the prince behind the act. The boy who ran off at 16 with Dominik. The boy who did correspondence with Zemeni gunsmiths and Fjerdan shipbuilders to make himself into who he was as Sturmhond. The princeling who pulled the puppeteer’s strings to save Ravka from his own family. He sighed.

“And I you.” He whispered. “There’s… more.”

She tilted her head.

“More embroidery.”

Alina nodded, and settled back so that she wouldn’t crush his ribs and puncture a vital organ. It wasn’t much like she could, weighing merely 100 pounds soaking wet. But it was better to be safe than convicted of regicide.

“The tapestries outside my room, near the elevators. I said to Mal once how my inventions were all around the Volkvolny. I built her. But not just the ship. The curtains. The embroidery on my clothes, the tapestries hanging in the old infirmary, all of it.”

His gaze hardened.

“Was made with my hands. It… soothed me when my moods got the worst of me. When I couldn’t sit still in class even with Dominik there to keep me in line, I learned to embroider. Mainly when I was in my mother’s salon, she would often be embroidering.”

He leaned closer to her as Alina’s fingers traced over a jagged scar on his pristine nose. “Her embroidery looks like a soldier took to needlepoint. It’s tragic. Fjerdan women are kept much like pretty birds, and that embroidery is a sign of marital status.”

He cocked his head to one side, and a slow, secretive smile danced across his face. “Did you know that a Fjerdan woman’s marriageability is wholly dependent on her needlework skills?”

“Is it now?” Alina hummed, stroking his chin with her fingers. She wanted to kiss him again, to make him feel as safe as she had when she’d crawled into his lap. “Is that the only thing that a husband wants?”

“Well, it’s a determinant on how well they can keep house and if they’ve been schooled in it. Often the woman gives her partner a sort of sampler with certain flowers determining what she will bring to the marriage. There’s a system of meanings depending on the sampler’s weave, the linen’s strength, and so on. Richer girls use silk thread. In the Ice court, the sampler - I’ve seen one - was all gold and silver thread studded with sapphires in the style of the white ash tree in the Ice Court.”

“Who receives the samplers, if they’re for the man?”

Nikolai’s expression softened. “Normally, they’re placed over the household hearth. Before that, the courting season is notoriously complex.” He paused. “Are you certain you want me to continue?”

She nodded. “I don’t mind you talking about this.” She kissed his knuckles, and smiled at the grin that shot across his face, shattering the fragile calm he emulated.

“A man intending to court must ask for a chaperoned walk with his intended, dine thrice with the woman’s family before they’re allowed to be alone with one another - I believe to determine the man’s… intentions.” Nikolai’s brows furrowed. “Though it does call into question what would happen if something happened after they were alone.”

He shook his head, and continued; “Men bring their intended gifts of winter roses and a silver comb for their hair.”

Alina blinked. “That sounds… almost… too simplistic. I mean, traditional. Who makes the offer of courtship?”

“The man. They have to ask the woman’s parents before anything can go forward. Not like us…” His cheeks flooded crimson and he rushed to amend himself, but Alina put a finger to his lips. “Well, I have no parents to ask, and we’re basically essentially engaged in the eyes of everyone else.”

Nikolai rolled his eyes. “The rumors grow long tongues.” his gaze turned impish. “Not that I suspect you’d mind, sunshine?”

Alina snorted, blinked. “I’d mind much if the man I was engaged to left me bereft of gifts.” she said without thinking through what she meant. A blush colored her cheeks suddenly.

Nikolai stared at her. “Do you mean that?”

“Engaged?” she stared back.

He nodded, slowly. “I… I intended this to be a political match. No feelings…”

Her heart squeezed tight against her ribs. No, no, this wasn’t a political match. It’d never been, for her. She’d certainly been torn between Mal and Nikolai, but Mal was a brother. He’d make a poor lover, and his demeaning commentary always put her on edge.

“I-” she breathed. “No, wait. I worded that wrong. I never wanted it to be a political match.” she whispered.

“Never?” He breathed.

“Never.”

Nikolai’s eyes blew wide, the hazel swallowed by his pupils. His fingers reached once more for the hand on his cheek and he brought it to his lips, kissing each of her fingers in turn. “Oh, Sunshine..” He whimpered. “Why did you never say so? I’d have given you the world so much sooner.”

She laughed.

“Perhaps I wanted to wait. Besides… I was too corroded by my feelings about Mal, raising the Second Army, and then the White Cathedral made me realize how foolish I’d been. You… you’ve been the only one to actually get me, under the Sankta imagery. I’m just a poor girl from an orphanage, and you saw that… and you embraced it.”

“And you are the only to understand the wounded boy I am.” He murmured, tracing a calloused thumb over her gentle knuckles. His smile was fragile, like the first sunlight of spring. A change, a welcome one.

“Then let’s be our true selves with one another. No masks, no Saints or princes.” She gripped his hand in hers, and smiled properly for the first time in that long morning.

He grinned and kissed her softly. Off to the side, they heard the sounds of weeping, and both cast their glances to Audrey, who was wiping the spots where her eyes would be with her large, waxen fronds.

“So poetic!” She bawled.

Alina wanted to laugh, but instead she smiled again. “She’s a bit dramatic.”

Nikolai winked. “The best are.” He patted down his waistcoat pockets and then looked at her suddenly. “There’s something I’d like to give you.”

Alina’s breath fluttered as Nikolai retrieved a simple velvet box. Tears pooled in their ducts and she blinked furiously as she slipped off him and knelt by his head. He sat up, swung his legs over the side of the chaise and got to his knees beside her. “Oh..” Alina breathed. “Isn’t this unusual.”

Nikolai winked, and flipped the box open. There, glittering in the bright winter sunlight, was an emerald the size of a quail’s egg, surrounded by tiny stars of diamonds. The ring was gold, made most likely by skilled Shu-han jewelers, and costing what she amounted to as several Ravkan duchies.

“The Lantsov Emerald?”

“A queen’s jewel, Alina.” Nikolai murmured. “Every Lantsov queen has worn the emerald since my ancestor, Yaromir, took the throne and reunited the warring provinces. Three centuries.” He examined it.

He’s terrified that you’ll reject his suit Her mind hissed. Alina paid it every heed in this moment, and she gently reached up to touch his hand.

Nikolai shook himself out of a trance, and he smiled sheepishly. “Will you stay at my side, my queen? Be my general, my first mate, my Sol Koroleva?” he whispered. “Will you, Alina Starkov, be my wife?”

Alina had read a lot of romance novels as a child. Stories of golden-haired princes rescuing hapless princesses. When she’d gotten older, she’d devoured Ravkan myths, Greek tragedies, men burdened by their hubris and struck down by the Gods or Saints. All of these poor, poor people. But what was love if not to be submerged in a tide too strong to tread alone?

She’d thought love was too far out of reach for a poor girl like her. Never truly considered it. She’d dreamt of it, as any girl did. Hopelessly in love with fair-haired princes in her storybooks, boys who were good and kind and virtuous. Boys who did not set fire and chaos mayhem, boys who didn’t make friends with their whipping-boy. Boys who did not become men who ran away from court at 16 to serve in the First Army with their former whipping boy.

And yet, Alina had fallen for a golden-haired prince. A tsarevich who built boats of wood and screws, who knew the sea as well as any battlefield. He was her story-book prince, but those tales had never warned her of the scars that marred her prince’s soul. Scars that couldn’t be healed even with the summoning powers of a Sankta.

She cut her gaze back to her golden-haired, too-clever-fox, and smiled.

“Yes.” she said, even as tears poured down her cheeks. Nikolai blinked those glorious hazel eyes at her, and then, he murmured;

“Give me your hand.”

With little to no second thought, Alina Starkov held out her left hand, and let Nikolai place the Lantsov emerald upon her ring finger. The glitter of it caught the light, reflected it back. She felt the weight of it, yet unlike the halo of Sankta the Apparat had placed upon her, this did not crush.

It healed.

What Alina next remembered was the feeling of being picked up in a bridal carry once again, and Nikolai’s fingers woven through hers. The Lantsov Emerald upon her finger was protected by the pad of his finger wearing the University of Ketterdam signet he’d always worn since their first meeting.

But, as they stepped from the elevator, all the happiness evaporated as Dominik appeared within their line of sight.

“We have a development, Nikolai.” Dominik whispered, his eyes wide.

“Tell me.”

Alina stirred, sat up in Nikolai’s embrace. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and stared at Dominik, gauging his pale face, the fear in his eyes. Suddenly, the spinning wheel felt almost too stifling, too much all at once.

“The Darkling’s struck a deal with West Ravka…” Dominik trailed off, wrung his hands again. “They’re baying for blood.”

His gaze turned to Alina.

“And we’ve been betrayed.”

Nikolai’s breath came out as a hard hiss.

“Sergei.”

Suddenly, a loud boom filled the air. Then, another, and another. Through the massive windows of the central atrium of the Spinning Wheel, the three of them could see shadows surging like waves, cutting off the sunlight.

Snuffing out hope.

They were trapped - the Darkling had come to pay his due, with interest.

End of Chapter 2.

#my writing #Nikolina #fic: I will follow you into the dark #nikolai lantsov fanfiction #alina starkov #alina starkov fanfic #crossposted on ao3 #long fic #grishaverse au

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