#also: people in the PR world are definitely mad about this

[dollypopup]

Okay, I pinky promise this will be my last post about this, but I genuinely think the fury and hellfire people have about Luke Newton and him having a girlfriend (and insisting he was disingenuous or lying during PR) boils down to the desire for authenticity from celebrities and the lack of understanding that we will never get it. This fandom hungers to feel like they KNOW the people they are fans of, and so feel betrayed when something comes out that shatters that perception in any way, getting unreasonably upset because of it. We are in a culture where we want to feel like they're relatable, that we know them. And I think the world and fandom would be much better in understanding that not only will we NEVER truly know the famous people we admire or look up to or enjoy performances by

but that it is very much by DESIGN. Acting and performing is their JOB, and it requires a lot of sacrifice of the self to do so. You go into the public eye and have very little opportunity to leave it, so when you see them live, when you see their interviews, when you see their social medias, these are cultivated. They are wearing Personas, and they HAVE to do that for their own protection. No one person can give all of themselves to someone or something all the time, else they burn out and fade away

Luke Newton and Nicola Coughlan BOTH put on personas on their Press Tour. I know people don't want to hear that, but they did. All that you think is genuine and relatable is very, very carefully curated. The stories told, the outfits worn. Sure, there were definitely moments of true genuine glimpses into who they are as people, because that is inevitable when you are constantly scrutinized, and they DO have a close relationship that was easy to embellish, but the Nicola you admire is not the Nicola she truly is, just as the Luke we see is not the Luke he truly is. These are enhanced versions of themselves that are polished for the sake of their careers, and it is very much a PART of having that career. That's not to say they're disingenuous, it's to say that they are protecting themselves, and portraying a specific facet of who they are for the sake of their careers.

Nicola herself even says that people will be upset at her for wearing a specific outfit or for changing her hair. It is a protection mechanism to go 'well, then they don't actually dislike ME, they dislike the persona'. Furthermore, it's a way of differentiating who you are professionally and who you are personally. The person I am around my friends and in my personal life is very different from the person I am at work, and that's by design.

So being upset at Luke Newton for shattering your fantasy of him means considerably less and hits much softer if you recognize that it has always been just that: a fantasy. You and I will never know him truly. Sure, he's much less guarded now early on in his global career than otherwise, but we have seen this change happening slowly but surely over time. He left Twitter, having started it interacting heavily with the fandom, sharing jokes and memes, his Instagram is highly polished and professional, having deleted a lot of personal touches from it, and he has become more comfortable in interviews. Partly from immersion and just having so many of them so he's used to it now, but also partly because he has fully settled into the expectations of his role: he is not the same Him with his family and friends as he is to his fans, and that is FINE.

That's not him lying, it's him doing his job: acting. And being mad at him for that is as silly as being mad at a teacher for not shooting the shit with parents- he is taking on a professional role. Him having a girlfriend should have no bearing on that professional role because we have to recognize that who he is personally and who he is professionally do not actually intersect. We want it to, we crave that authenticity, but it is on us as fans to recognize what we love is a persona, is a role, is an act. And that he is no lesser for that, just as ALL the celebrities we love are no lesser for that act. Because fans can be HORRIBLE, and they have to protect themselves, and they also have to think of their careers.

I think this fandom would be a lot happier if they recognized that Nicola has had years over him to come to this understanding, and so of course she acts accordingly. She has kept her personal life so private and separate BECAUSE she understands that she is putting on a persona in her professional life that is cultivated to appeal to fans and amass fame, and that people accept that now because she's kept it under wraps. She sells the mythos of authenticity from celebrity figures, but no celebrity is relatable. No celebrity is truly authentic. And that is OKAY!!! That is par the course for being so in the public eye. Every single popular figure does this. No poet, no author, no artist, no musician, no actor, no ANYONE is their true, pure, 100% authentic self to their fans, and they do not OWE that to them, either. Luke Newton does not owe us a fantasy, he does not owe us a sacrifice of his personal life, he does not owe us anything, just as Nicola doesn't.

We would do well to remember that, and simultaneously not to resent them for it. We are fans of their performances. That's the point.

[lorekeeper-backset]

PKMN IRL Master Post

This post is a list of every single one of my Pokemon IRL blogs. It will lengthen or shorten as I create or delete blogs. Mostly lengthen, probably.

@fox-poke-fanatic: A blog run by Caleb, average college student who wants to become the ultimate expert on fox pokemon.

@aura-acolyte: My take on the protagonist of ORAS, here named Mare Birch. She has Aura Powers and is also the Chosen of Rayquaza, a role that is both poorly defined and well defined. She gets involved in a lot of high stakes stuff. She's also the protagonist of that fanfic I linked.

@the-looker-bureau: A blog focusing on Looker and Emma. In this universe, Looker continued being a private detective and father figure for Emma.

@last-lorekeeper: A blog run by Zinnia, the Lorekeeper of the Draconid people. She's taken up teaching in her spare time.

@twinchampionsofkalos: A blog run by Calem and Serena, who in this universe both take the role of Champion of the Kalos region. Calem's the responsible one while Serena's the more reckless one. Calem is an Acearo malewife and Serena is a Lesbian girlboss and certified disaster gay.

@appeallove: A blog run by Lisia, contest spectacular idol. She's always peppy, never dropping her cheerful demeanor even when mad. She may be one of the scariest people on the planet.

@guardian-ofthe-sky: Rayquaza runs a blog where it tries to play the responsible parent. It's very proud of it's Chosen.

@aqua-magma-official: The account of the reformed Teams Aqua and Magma, run by their twin PR heads Magma Grunt Kai and Aqua Grunt Nicky. Yes, they are genuinely reformed this is not a secret evil plot. Blog is usually low stakes and will not become high stakes of its own accord.

@phantom-flower: A blog for Phoebe, Ghost Type Hoenn Elite Four Member.

@themostspecialestlegendaryever: A blog for Latias, the world's best, most specialest legendary ever.

@pokestar-rosa: A blog for Rosa who decided bring Champion wasn't for her and became an actor instead. It's also an excuse for me to give screenwriting and movie nerd rants.

@landandseaunited: Archie and Maxie are reformed and dating. Good for them.

@kalos-news-network-official: The official blog for the Kalos News Network, run by Malva, Chief Bitch.

@leavesofbattle: A blog for Leaf as an adult.

@naranja-uva-student-council: An AU where all four protags of ScarVio are on the Student Council instead of just Nemona. Inspired by Kaguya-Sama: Love is War.

@shiftingbetweenrealities: As a result of the final showdown at Spear Pillar, Cynthia has found herself cast out into the multiverse, constantly changing universes. Unfortunately, her physical body was not cast into the multiverse, only her mind, so she inhabits the body of whatever Cynthia is native to that universe.

@hoenn-battle-frontier-official: Blog for the Hoenn Battle Frontier, located in LaRousse City, run by Anabel.

@xxcodeveeveexx: Cassiopeia | Any Pronouns | Likes: Veevees, Coding, Anime, Video Games | Dislikes: Social Interactions, Bullies

@lea-hi: "Faller" (not really cause no Ultra Wormholes but I'm the only one who seems to care about the actual definition) blog for Lea from CrossCode.

@friendly-neighborhood-calem: You can call her Callie. Or Cal on boy days. Yes, I made a second Calem blog shut up. This one's the rival, not the protag, so it's different. And also she's gender-fluid.

@its-gonna-be-may: You ever see My Next Life as a Villainess? It's like that but with May.

@maydaysjournal: May's School Counselor suggested that she keep a Diary Journal. Also, her dads are Archie and Maxie.

@special-magma-friends: A blog for Courtney and Tabitha. Courtney chose the blog name.

@asterinspace: A blog for Aster, an astronaut an Astrobiologist living on the Lunala Moon Base.

@miles-edgeworth-official: Chief Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth has found himself trapped in the Pokemon World. Now he has become... Regular Prosecutor Edgeworth.

[dragonmistressivy]

Anyone want to burn down my school for me? /hj. School is hell and is fucking killing me. It will be my death. All the strees every single teacher puts on me. All the strees my parents put on me to fo well and mad at me for never having any extracurriculars. All of the thoughts destroying me from the inside out. The world falling apart and I don’t have the skills personal money to escape this hellhole. I sm scared snd streesed out 24/7. No wonder my physical gealth is starting to fail. I don’t have the wnergy to take care of myself snd i hate it. I don’t have anything in the real world. It is all pointless to me. Also i hate all the jokes my parents have made about judt plugging me and my brother into the matrix because we are addicted to the internet(as tho it isn’t their fault) and because we have no lives(as tho that also isn’t their fault and our bio mom’s given we have both definitely gotten secersl of our mental issues from her). Parents once made a “joke” about taking us out back and just killing us because we don’t want to live in the real world. Totslly what you say to your heavily depressed kids who at least one of them is suicidal(me) and would absolutely adore that. My parents suck. Also I don’t feel safe at school. Yet another three people i know for certain i can’t trudt and are evil given they were talking about have gender affriming care should be illegal(surprised they used the correct term given what they were saying) i was just sitting there like wtf. I am scared. Also two of those three girls sit at the same table as me in marketing do yet another reason to hate and fear that class. I fucking hate that class. It causes me to completely freeze and break down because of the assignments revealing some of my weaknesses which no one can be allowed to know especially given how many people are openly evil and i am a easy target. I widh i could drop the class but i missed the absolute deadline(the fucking literal 3rd day of school. I didn’t wven know the syllabuses for any of my classes but one by then) to drop classes because i was sick. I am dying because of school. I also have no energy to actually do anything outside of school besides bed rot and hide in my room and sleep most of the day because of everything. Thanks parents for fucking emotionally neglecting me for do long that you didn’t notice that i had so many fucking issues that could have been prevented or treated like 5 or 6 or 7 or maybe 8 years ago. Suvh as putting me on anxiety meds since like first grade. I should have been on them since then because it was do bad then and has only gotten worse since. Or maybe antidepressants since like 7th or 8th grade because it was there then but didn’t get extremely bad until 9th grade and 10th grade where it completely nose dived into the ground and has been boring through the ground even farther down since. I am broken because of them ignoring me and my problems pr even making them worse. Like that one time in i think was it 2nd grade where carter(my brother) had been harassing snd bullying me since we woke up and the whole day until i finally snapped at him in the evening and completely blew up and threw several chess pieces at him and missed and hit the window and cabinet glass behind him and shattered them. I got my ass beat for that with a belt multiple times. And wasn’t allowed to go to the fair that night and got several of my plushies taken from me. Carter’s only punishment was not going to the fair for litwrslly bullying me all day. I learned to completely hide everything from my parents. Also the fact carter wouldn’t get in trouble for even like for example getting one of his close friends to kick a soccer ball straight at my head and breaking my nose.(just one of the many many many things Carter did. I just remember it so clearly unlike most of elementary) Carter didl got receive any punishment. And you know whst my parents epuld tell me every time when he would bully me? They would tell me to just ignore him because he will stop if i do that.

I don’t know if they never deslth with bullies or not but that is notvhow you get a bully to stop. That only makes them worse because they will instead of doing badic stuff to get you to completely explode the will do more and more extreme stuff until you do. Also no wonder i have anger issues and barely don’t explode at anyone for the slightest thing. I was suffering from several mental issues snd was constantly without stop made fun of and harassed and the people who i was supposed to protect me did nothing and actually made it worse. Some things carter would do all the time are make fun of my speech impediment, the way i walk, the way i move my arms, the way my face looks, everything about the way i look, call me things like fag or tranny and all the slurs under the sun he knew even if they made no since like calling me the n word(i am the palest you can probably get do it made no sense), sexually harassing me, and raping me a few times as kids, and so much fucking more. I need him to have a fate worse than death Maybe lock in sydrome without the ability to close his eyes andhave everyone think he is in a coma, or maybe to get tons of brain damage that omly affects his physical ability to fo stuff do he finally fucking know what it is like to be fucking disabled. I fucking hate his guys and want him to feel pain for everything he has done to not just me but all his gfs and his current bf. He is a monster. I hope he gets his karma soon.

I hate how i can’t trust anyone especially authority figures for already mentioned reasons and many other ones such as for example my 2nd grade teacher would pretend i didn’t exist when i was literally talking to her or her not stopping bullies when i was being bullied right in front of her, or my third and fourth grade typing class teachers for getting so fucking mad at me for not using both hands to type(as tho i could because i can’t use my right hand or things like that) and literally coming over and forcibly correcting me, the fact that the best of my teachers in elementary(being my 5th grade teacher) was still very weird and purposely made me stick out from all my other students by literally changing her whole curriculum that year just because of me or like when we read “wonder” as a class she would basically say hiw i am simplar to august(the protagonist of that book) who is in fact disabled but in such s fucking different way that it just make me feel worse and internalize self hate about how i am not disabled enough to be treated as equals to everyone but too disabled to be like everyone else. So many people basically treated me like a baby that year i hated it. Another example from that year was when we read “fresk the mighty”(good book) why did she have to constantly point out how i was disabled. Also one more thing she did was on my birthday she literally have a massive party about august from “wonder” I don’t even share a birthday with him do it was so fucking creepy and i was do called out. There is so much more from judt my fifth grade class but at least wasn’t bullied that year tho was mostly ignored and isolated from my peers but at least no bullying like 2nd, third, and fourth grade there was do much that happened in those three years. Also i hate how much of 6th grade i missed because i had surgery on my right foot to find a lot of issues caused by it. Unfortunately the surgical site didn’t heal and almost got infected and that caused recovery from taking a like 2 maybe 3 months at most to around 6 or 7 months and only went back from like the last 3 months with taking a lot of time off because of recovery. That isolated me a lot more from everyone. Then i had seventh grade where nothing really happened besides isolated more. Then there was 8th grade where the pandemic started that march so was completely shut off from the world without being able to talk to literally anyone and was so alone and my grades started to slip and depression started to nose dive. But 9th grade was worse for do many reasons including me getting covid(still can’t taste or smell that well but the taste is slowly coming back now) and everyobe having changed including the few friends i had either them literally becoming fucking evil like one called me for having cp(not cerebral paldy) whwn i explained i had cerebral palsy and he knew i didn’t have the other thing but wanted to get me in trouble all because i was different and not like him. He was like the nicest person in 8th grade so who knows what happened but he became insanely ablest and sexist. Also i then hung out with a group of misfits(with two of them being trans and one being bi but somehow didn’t realize i was trans yet) but lose contact with all three of them over the summer. Then in 10th grade i made a friend. He was the nicest person to me ever and i also got a phone that year so i got his number and actually talked yo him outside school. He was so nice to me. But for some reason as soon as school ended he completely abandoned me and definitely blocked my number. No idea why. There was no reason why he completely abandoned me. Probably one of his other friends told him to. I mean he was friends with one of carter’s exes(she luckily broke up with carter after like 2 or 3 weeks once she realized how evil carter is). Also realized i was trans that year and he was the first person i came out to(wasn’t the reason he abandoned me given that was months and months before he did)

Then last year was completely alone and had nothing but at least could listen to music almost day and ignore the world as best i could. I have finally broken completely and have no way to ignore it like can’t even listen to music at school even during individual working time. I am so done

I am just so exhausted and done with life but unfortunately can’t kill myself to end it

[evansblues]

If she still chooses to be with this man knowing Alba and her racism and her group, I side eye her also and then she can’t be all that you say, because she wouldn’t be with him if she was. This is just the step he took that he can’t come back from. I don’t see why she would want to do that to herself. ///

I’m not copying and pasting that whole book but this is why celebs will never be with a “fan”, yes this situation is messy but it’s Hollywood and if FS becomes famous it’ll be like Alba who? This mess seems like a huge shitshow to various fans and they can imagine Chris counting back, but guess what worse and crazier things have happened. I’m old school, we saw drama and mess from the 80s/90s and it’s a thing of the past.

This shitshow isn’t even over and you’ve just basically said “Chris is done, it’s a wrap”

How old are you anon? Worst mess has been cleaned up publicly. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Life moves on, I hate when people kick others when their down even if they are down because of their own stupidity.

But the reality is We don’t even know the entirety of this situation and FS is not even in the picture yet and you’re judging her already?!

FS will have to have very thick skin for sure.

Chris could hit rock bottom and go through and transformation and boom they meet, you don’t know people’s journey, but I guess it’s easier to judge when it’s not you.

You know how many Hollywood scandals and marriages the public has witnessed over the years, only for not many to remember years later.

George Clooney was married decades ago but when you hear about his wife the only woman that pops up is who…..Amal Clooney!

If FS chooses to be with a man she actually knows to her core vs you not knowing said man and presently judging him based on how this current mess is being presented, you’re going to “side eye” her……... okay.

This situation is very easy to bounce back from publicly, PR and crisis teams are hired for a reason. I’d suggest you go google Hollywood scandals from the past and then come back and let us know if this this as bad as you originally think.

Chris will need someone who isn’t going to jump ship so easily when shit goes down and also someone to put him in his place, but he definitely doesn’t need anyone who gives up on him so easily, be mad at this mess and him all you want, but to say it’s not fixable or he can’t be redeemed when you know nothing and are just a bystander……sheesh.

I’m sure Chris will tell FS everything and she’ll be a good judge of character.

It’s funny people are claiming Chris must be racist due to Alba yet in twenty plus years not one time has anyone accused him of being racist, damn he must be good at covering his ass. 😂

Sorry for the rant, I don’t like people judging while not understanding they don’t have every exact detail to even judge.

Ugh, humans. 🙄

I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s seen worse shit. It’s odd to me the way people talk about this in context. There are wars in this world, children are going hungry, I’m about to read Britney’s book and I know it’s going to be some bs that happened to her. I have perspective on this, yeah it’s sad he’s not acting like who we thought he was, but that’s it. It’s just some messy PR. Even if he is racist, call him out and don’t watch his stuff. He’ll be fine on the other end.

[majaloveschris]

And it's not that I don't want him happy or that I want him to end with me; I just don't think she is a good person, and I don’t want somebody I like to end up with somebody I don't consider a good person.///

THIS!!!

👏

I hope Chris looks past the crazies in the fandom because yes they unfortunately exist, but I hope he realizes that if and when he gets in a truly HEALTHY and happy relationship with a awesome woman, this fandom will show support.

He’s been with problematic women which is why many think this is a legit relationship, but this PR stunt chick takes the freaking cake. She and her crew are racist and the reason we’re screaming PR is because he’d hope Chris would NEVER purposely associate with trash like the PT trio.

Also, it’s Chris Evans, the man expresses his emotions freely, if this man was truly in love he wouldn’t be acting like this nor sharing or trying to prove this shitshow to the world. We would know absolutely NOTHING about said relationship and if we got anything it would be an article stating he’s taken and maybe a personal IG post….like ONE not twenty five and it won’t be a freaking story that’s for sure. 😂

This man goes goo goo ga ga over Dodger and you can tell that is the current love of his life. Dude would be happy and smiling, not displaying Arthur fist and putting his hand in his pocket after dropping his hand from hers right after ensuring his photographer got the pap walk and was no longer in distance.

Like you can’t make this crap up.

Anyway like I said when it’s real we’ll be excited for him because that’s what many want, him to find his one and be happy and ensure said woman is good hearted like him, no trolling, not clout chasing, no riling up the fandom. Someone who loves him for HIM and a queen that he will protect and unfortunately he hasn’t gotten close to that yet. I’m sure he’s aware of that too, but who knows.

Mind you, yes there will be obviously be those select fans mad at anyone he dates but that’s not the case for majority and who knows if said woman is great we might start seeing Stan accounts for the two and people in the fandom defending her.

I welcome it. 😌

I'm also pretty sure there will always be people who won't like whoever he dates, but that's kind of unavoidable when you are famous and a lot of people have a crush on you. And yeah, I know he's dated questionable people, but let's be honest, some people will always dislike the woman he's dating just because she's dating him. But as you said, those are just a tiny part of the fandom, and there are a lot of people who would support a relationship if it was with a woman who is a good person.

I agree with you that if it were a real relationship, I don't think he would post this much about it or that we would've gotten that pap walk. Every picture and video are unnecessary since they won't change either side's opinion, and those who don't like or support them as a couple won't start loving them just because of a few scary videos and "lovely" pictures.

I also want him to be happy, and I think a lot of you feel the same way. I just don't see him as happy or healthy. The clout-chasing and trolling parts are one of the things that make this whole thing look so toxic. I don't think they are good people, and yeah, people can change, but to me, it doesn't seem like either of them did. I obviously don't know them personally, so this is just my opinion.

I think he should definitely work on himself. I do think he is a good human being, but I also think he shouldn't let people walk all over him. I think that sometimes he can be too indulgent with people around him, and I think this whole PR shitshow could teach him to stand up for himself and for the things he wants. I do think he wants to settle down, and I'm sure she is looking for a normal, nice woman and for someone who wants normal things like going on hikes or road trips. Who doesn't want to parade in LA every single day. Who just wants to lay low. However, he also needs to work out his issues before he can get the partner he's been looking for. I think he's already done some work, but yeah, you know what I mean.

I just hope one day he finds the person he is seeking. He deserves to be happy.

[9w1ft]

Thank you for your answer! Yup, a good chunk of people have a tendency to oversimplify things or take them at face value from my personal observations.

Red scarf = she compared it to her innocence = she's young = omg, it must be a metaphor for her V card!!! Let's ask Taylor about that theory and ignore that she gifts a red scarf to the bride in the IBYTAM m/v!!!

Bad Blood = is about her feud with Katy Perry over some back up dancers!!! Ignore the fact that the phrase "mad love" was used in romantic context in other songs in the same album!!

So I guess I can see why people may be inclined to think we're basically saying "Taylor and Karlie are together because they've carried the same bag this month!" and simply ignore all nuance or not ask why these information are being shown to us in this manner given how Taylor operates in a careful and strategic way ... like a Mastermind, if you will.

But I guess calling Karlie "poor" for "sitting in the nosebleeds" is much more fun 🤷‍♀️

thank you for your follow up!

yeah i’m not that great at explaining it but i’m glad we got on the same page!

i think the reason why things are simplified is one thing i have always found interesting about taylor and a lot of her core fans that grew up with her music

its that she in a sense raised them to be on alert to her easter eggs, and made this a part of her persona, but she did so while her fans were also firming very personal and real bonds with taylor in their minds, to the point that the easter egging became melded into the big ball of feelings a lot of people harbor for their image of taylor swift which is an extension of their own identities. the patterns which a lot of us have come to see as PR are also core easter egging memories for a lot of fans, growing up with taylor, and represent a sense of comfort and culture.

which is a wordy way of saying that, any suggestion that taylor does the things she does for reasons either than what they experienced.. it can feel like a personal attack.

what’s so fascinating or beautiful about all this to me is that—and i think this is a common tension of our times—when you go to look at things objectively or try to deconstruct institutions or concepts or biases or modernity.. it can come off clinical and cold and cynical to a lot of people, you know? sort of… ruining ‘nice’ things, right?

but the thing is, when you do this with taylor you instead open up a whole fascinating and lush world of true love and pain, deep stories and fascinating people, actual secrecy and high stakes, that feels incredibly historic and full of meaning. like i can’t tell you how much coming upon gaylor but also kaylor specifically in all its complexities and intricacies has made me feel so much more present in my life and grateful to be alive and to experience the world.. to be more introspectful and to grow.. there’s something so moving and… epic… epoch-ful… about their story. i’m not sure how self aware taylor was when writing timeless but my god, it’s exactly what it is.

so while i definitely understand the mechanics of how some of her core fans instinctively push away thinking critically about taylor, i don’t think i will ever stop feeling like i want to share it to more people because it’s like… if you can break through.. it’s so fucking beautiful 😭😭😭

[shayshaybiscuit25]

All I know is that I’m waiting for this crap to be revealed as legit or not. Yes, even after Chris Evans claimed to have two “ceremonies”. There’s enough evidence that has me like…..no way any of this is legit, but if I’m wrong about this being PR…..😮‍💨

See …..this current mess and him claiming her as his “wife” is bad enough. It would mean he’s bypassed the racism and has the same views as her and her racist friends, and that his entire image is bullshit. His rep, image and namesake is still on the line at the same time the public doesn’t see that nor care for them at all, but they don’t know what the fans do and the simple fact that it appears he’s in some behind the scenes crap is what still has me here.

These are my thoughts and opinions, I don’t need anyone fussing or screaming how I’m dumb for not seeing this is obviously PR. Well PR is stupid to have this man married publicly if he actually isn’t and the damage is technically already done fandom wise. I’m black, miss me with the he’s doing this for his career advancement or he purposefully signed a “contract” because that still means he’ll compromise his morals and values for a nice check or role. I like to think the mess behind the scenes is more so he’s being threatened with losing everything or something like that because that’s the one thing I won’t fault him on. Fortunately for him, it’s common for men his age to pull this shit so no major red flag except the obvious age gap public wise. 🙄

Okay, hypothetically let’s say we’re all wrong and they are a legit couple, you know what that means. Chris would indeed be a creep. I don’t care how much Hollywood or the world tries to normalize 40+ yr old men with 20+ yr olds, it’s NOT NORMAL! She’s old enough to be your oldest child, like stop. It’s a power dynamic and weak men pull this shit when they refuse to man up and know women in their age range won’t tolerate their bullshit.

Where are all the women in their 40s win 20+ yr olds?……EXACTLY! It’s rare for women and mainly women going for a younger man would be her past 40+ and dating a 30+ year old.

These men have nothing in common with mere young adults and most are too stupid to realize if they weren’t in a place of power ie having a shit load of money and/or fame…..HER ASS WOULD NOT WANT YOU! Majority of the time these young women aren’t innocent, they are money hungry yet still too dumb to realize the consequences of their situation long term. He’ll waste your time, until you wake up one day and realize you were never in control the way you believed you were, it’s an abuse of power and once you’re too old for him….on to the next.

Karma is a bitch and these mofos aren’t thinking about if they one day have daughters and some pedo creep gets their daughter and rinse and repeat.

So yeah it doesn’t look good especially with him claiming to be married. Each day I’m like……did this guy really pull the wool over our eyes for 20+ years…..(omg is his career older than her or is she about the same age as his career?!)😬😳

But yeah anyway, my answer is nope, I don’t believe Chris is anything like that and if he was and just wanted to “be himself now”, I’m sure he’d have shut up the team pr vs real debate by now. He’s done everything to make me go…..something is definitely wrong here. 😢

All I can do is pray for him. Nothing about this screams real, healthy let alone love.

Thank you all for reading. 😎 we’re all tired and ugh it just sucks.

Also, the idiots trying to cancel Sebastian for playing trump is absolutely RIDICULOUS, he’s an actor and if he gets nominated for some awards the same people currently mad will be screaming with joy, so stop the madness. 😂

[hazzascul]

This is my first post, and I may come of as strong, and straightforward but it's stuff which has been waiting a looooog time to get out.

So, I really wanted to address the situation or 1d, the reunion and Larry.

Sometimes, things are not as they seem.

And its so f*cking often that it seriously terrifies me. You never know what someone is going through or how your words may effect them.

This is in context of 1d,mainly Larry, mainly Harry.

Over the top, it looks so much like this is a perfect band, who are perfect frends in the real world, where they have all this fame and win all those awards. But do we ever think about how they feel? Personally, when I joined the fandom, I didn't. I desperately wanted them to get back together, because I felt like they owed it to us, coz they made a promise. But now, 3-4 years later, I'm not mad at them, I'm mad at me. Because it never occurred to me that maybe they didn't wanna do that!

Today, seeing who they are and how far all of them have come truly amazes me and makes me so proud.

Yeah, nobody's prefect, and perfect is boring. Your imperfections make you who you are.

Being as young as they were, especially Harry, I mean 16! F*cking h*ll, I'm 16! So I kind of understand his background, and his pov in what he did and why he did it. I feel like it's such a, crucial age to be growing up, I feel like everything that happens around me, influences and affects me. And him having all this fame and attention and everything, obviously it goes to your head, and changes who you are. I am a people pleaser, I don't like it when people are not satisfied with what I'm doing, and I'll do my best to please them, no matter how much time, effort and energy it takes.

I feel like Harry is kind of similar in that aspect. He was and is such a people pleaser and then suddenly one day he had a world to please! He had to impress people, and had this constant pressure of not fucking it up in front of thousands of people yk? And that's not f*cking easy! He makes it seem like it is.

I specifically hate management for what they did to hary and louis, obviously all the boys suffered, and maybe I'm biased cause I am a huge Larry girl, but still. It was so much like, there's 5 boys, who have no background, no identity, no idea of what it's like to be out in the world, no experience basically. And they took sm advantage of that. They shaped certain images of how the boys are and how they will or not do stuff according to how they want them to look like!

Harry was called a womanizer when he was 16! He was asked uncomfortable questions in interviews and even tho he laughed it off, it was very serious! He was constantly shown with women older than him, with huge ass age gaps, and we don't even know if those relationships are true, but it still paints a picture of him. They s*xualised him so much, to the point where it became normal to ask offending and personal questions casually in interviews.

You could Definitely see how the boys changed over the years, especially Larry. I'm a huge Larry, ngl, and they weren't allowed to show affection or be together or whatever, and louis had to maintain a fake relationship was so many years, I mean that relationship is faker than Kim k's ass, they had to do pr stunts, just to keep those rumors away about them being gay. I mean- Ofc how did they even have the audacity to shake hands or smile at each in public or sit next to each other?!

Its not wrong. Its who they are!

But I also feel like fandom did make a huge deal out of it, but that was natural, really.

Over the years, Harry most probably felt like he had to make people happy, and he probably made very irrational decisions. But everyone makes mistakes right? He was allowed too.

It's so many years after that now, and it still reflects in his actions and decisions. He is so much more private about stuff now, I don't think he was like that before, but now he is. And that's partly because he doesn't know what how people get affected or twist his words and make a big deal out of it.

After the pandemic tho, he finally looks happy, like he's finally figured out what he likes, and what he wants to do, and not care about what people think of his actions. Even tho all of their contracts are still on, and Modest! can still control them (honestly f*ck s*Mon cowbell, the parasite), it finally feels like they have all found themselves again. All of them look happy, although zayn and Liam are still struggling with stuff. Louis, Harry and Niall have come so far, have put out such good music and found themselves a safe place.

I right now seriously feel like being in 1d was like a traumatic past experience for them, from which they are finally moving on. Obviously, like all of the boys constantly say, all of us including them are glad that something so epic and unforgettable like 1d happened, but it is better left in the past.

I truly feel like forcing a reunion on them is gonna ruin things, because they have a past that they can't just forget about, they have to figure out so many things, and do so many things and achieve so much more because they deserve the world just like you do.

I know that all of us think that supporting them and encouraging Larry or the reunion and stuff is good and nice, but it can build up a lot of pressure guys. Seeing such a huge fanbase for Larry, people often question or directly consider or assume their s*xuality,which is neither fair nor nice.

Sometimes it's nice to back off and give them their space, and let them figure things out on their own, with their own time.

It can happen a lot sooner than you think and if it doesn't happen, don't be mad at them please, because they're doing what makes them happy, and you can't be selfish enough to take that away right?

They've come so far, and all of us are so proud and so happy for them, do we really wanna mess that up for them?

This is a very unpopular opinion guys, and I meant no offence to anyone, but s*Mon cowbell, he can die for all I care. Please don't mind the strong language.

Treat people and yourself with kindness, because you deserve it!

Don't be afraid to seek out to me!

All the love,

Kats ❤️

[dreamings-free]

okay gonna do some anon asks/answers in batches cause I have so many and I don’t wanna clog up people’s dashes..

these are all about the beard/break up

yeah I really doubt she’ll keep posting from L’s house even if she did before the break up was official but must have “happened”. that house is like his office we’ve seen him working there many times in the past couple of years; planning the first AFHF, doing vocal training with helene, and latest recording his thank you speech and doing radio interviews when FITF went #1. I assume he’ll keep using it that way. but it’ll be interesting to see once she starts posting again where she’ll be..

asjfhkajsfk even if she did dump him the first time around she came back like? so who looks more the fool lol. and yeah tbh most of her stans have only been pretending to be fans of louis. because them being together would mean larry couldn’t be a thing. and most of them are harries. see also this ask:

it’s pathetic is what it is. if we are to believe the official narrative that they broke up because long-distance was too hard and they’re blaming him? he has a career he’s been doing this for the entirety of their “relationship” so who isn’t commiting here.. (also the sexist shit I’ve seen about him being an asshole for “leaving her at 30 and without a ring” like.. women are not worthless because they’re unmarried jfc) but yeah as i answered above it’s not about louis it’s about them being mad about him not being kept straight by being with her. (also sidenote but they way her stans who a few years back wouldn’t touch the subject of “his son” with a ten foot pole are suddenly all about dad louis.. same reason)

no I definitely not a fan. like.. I don’t care about her as an influencer or whatever. and I’m looking forward to not keeping up with her once the final pieces of the puzzle falls into place like will she still walk both dogs, is she completely done working for L etc etc. Hopefully we’ll know soon..

tbh the most annoying thing about her is her stans who like to tell themselves that the minimal amount of work we’ve seen her do (sponsored posts, pr trips etc) would cover even an inch of the spending we’ve seen from her. a few instagram stories about an armani perfume or some sportswear brand isn’t gonna pay for all the wildly expensive shit she wears. and then there’s this gem:

girl attends one (1) fashion show…omg move over anna wintour 😂

like they’re living in some alternate reality she can’t even write a clever instagram caption to save her life lol

I doubt she’s had another job while working for L and that rumour about her attenting the royal college of art doesn’t hold water either. she’s been jetting all over the world all year there’s no way she’d be able to keep up with fashion school at that level at the same time. so we can assume L has been paying her well enough to keep her in endless balenciaga leather jackets over the years.

[theblogtini]

To add to the points about her fascination with Catherine. - I also think she bought into the whole "effertlessness" of Catherine's persona. As in, Catherine makes it all seem effeortless, like it's easy and second nature. To look nice and presentable. To manage her kids and work. To make it seem like she doesn't work too hard because she also has a life outside of the royal box which seems very fulfilling.

Those of us with an iota of brain know that it's probably far from effortless and easy. But it seems so because of the kind of person Catherine is - someone with intwrgrity and passion and who gives a part of her heart to the work she does. She genuinely cares about presenting the monarchy in a good light. She genuinely cares about how keeping her family close so she outs in the efforts and in turn they all say nice things about her.

To Meghan, who only sees the end result it seems like it's all about making people say nice things about her. She doesn't understand what efforts to put in, or what being genuinely interested in someone, anyone or anything else actually means. Because she, you see, is also genuinely I yer sted in that someone else, but only in so far as what that someone would do for her and how they would make her look good.

That's why all her PR blah blah is always about how kind meghan is, how sweet, how caring, how humble, how friendly. Because she is putting in enough cunning and enough efforts to build a story with the end of telling everyone how awesome she is. That's it. That's all she sees.

So when someone else, or Catherine, makes it seems so easy, Meghan gets spitting mad. Meghan is constantly trying to appropriate the "cottage core" trope because she thinks that's why Catherine is famous and well liked. Without bothering about the fact that for Catherine it's not an aesthetic. It's just a way of life. That's how she is. That's how she was raised and built.

Meghan's authenticity lies in being a hardcore, ballbusting bitch. If she genuinely embraced that, she too might be finally accepted. But right now she wants us to accept her as what she desperately wants to be (not yet is). And we see that, we call her out for that. Harry sees the "potential" so he is still around. The rest of the world saw through the facade so is rejected. Catherine is rejected and insulted so as to erase the fact that she is OG.

YESSSS - she definitely strives for the "effortless" effect... but you can tell she's reaching for it a bit.

TBH I do really like Meghan's style (both in clothing and decor) and I like the kind of minimalist chicness that it has. Regardless of how much work it takes to achieve it, I just really like her style. It definitely has the air of "effortlessness" about it - but when you look closely there is nothing "effortless" about any of it because there's always SOMETHING ... the smile is a little too tight, the desk is just a liiiiiittle too artfully arranged, the sleeve cuffs rolled just a liiiittle too matchy-matchy. At first blush it all looks like "wow, look what she pulled together" but when you look a little deeper you can see the work that goes into it all.

By contrast - and I have NO IDEA how she (and her team) pull it off - but Catherine really does seem to have "effortless" down. Even when she's wearing a brand new, bespoke dress that costs thousands ... I think it's that she just looks COMFORTABLE, always. And I mean mentally comfortable as well as physically. Meghan (and Harry) always seem stressed and strained and a little tense. And Catherine manages to just always look like she's cool, calm, collected, and genuinely happy. And that lack of tightness and visible stress just allows her to pull off pretty much anything.

I also think that Catherine might be content with the idea of "done is better than perfect" - she knows that most of the time, the important thing is to just get out there, do the thing, and dig in. And sure, things are very, very close to perfect for The Cambridges, but I think Catherine is able to get the small things go.

\Whereas with Meghan, there is no "done is better than perfect." Perfect is perfect and there is no leeway for that. (I also think that's where the friction with her and her UK team came in. There was no room for error or growth or anything less than absolute perfection from her team, she held them to an incredibly high standard and perhaps that's a standard that they either weren't used to or was unrealistic for the given situation.)

[moldisgoodforyou]

bahamas (v)

wordcount: 6.2k

warnings: hinting at sexual content

______

Rafe found Colin the next morning, lanky limbs sprawled out on the couch with a blanket haphazardly tossed on top of him, his arm hanging off the edge of the couch as he slept. “Yo.”

“Mmph.” Colin grumbled in reply, stirring. He blinked a few times as he realized Rafe was standing in front of him, looking confused. “Hey.”

“Hey. You got kicked out?”

“James and Julia, they…” Colin trailed off, gesturing toward their rooms. “So I let Allie have my bed, and I’m out here.” A small scowl settled onto his face as a wide grin grew on Rafe’s. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say a thing.” Rafe laughed. “You are down bad, brother. Down bad.”

“Do not breathe a word of this to anyone, or I’ll tell Sophie you’ve been pining after her since high school.” Colin sat up, stretching. “I mean it.”

“Oh, she already knew that.” Rafe shook his head, grinning. “But don’t worry. Secret’s safe with me. You think Allie will remember? Did anything happen?”

“Nothing. Literally nothing.” Colin shrugged. “Does Sophie know about Julia and James?”

“What about us?” Julia asked, James and Allie trailing right behind her as they came down the hall for breakfast. “That we fucked?”

Rafe winced. “Can you not?”

“She doesn’t know?”

“No. And I’d like to keep it that way.” Rafe pointed at everyone, serious. “If any of you tell before we leave tomorrow, I’ll strangle you and leave your body here. I swear.”

“Dibs on telling her when we leave.” Colin said quickly, grinning.

“Be my guest.” James shrugged.

“Okay. Now. You two need to promise to not hook up again, I swear, you’re aging me by years. I’m tired of navigating your sex lives and you both know you’re not good together.” Rafe instructed, arms crossed.

“That’s fair.” Julia nodded, turning to shake hands with James. He nodded too, shaking her hand then kissed the back of her hand just to make her grin. She rolled her eyes, tugging her hand away.

“Thank you. Now. Breakfast?” Rafe gestured toward the kitchen.

“Where’s Sophie?” Allie yawned, stretching as she followed them all in.

“Definitely hungover and she was definitely drooling on the pillow.” He smiled fondly as Sophie came into the kitchen, hair in a messy bun and pillow marks still pressed into her cheek. “Morning, sleeping beauty!”

“You talkin shit on me?” She asked, leaning into his side as he looped his arm around her.

“He said you looked like shit.” James grinned. “He was right.”

“Shut the fuck up, James, I’m still mad at you -”

“Just because your boyfriend prefers my kisses -” He stepped around the kitchen counter, trying to avoid as she came closer.

“Oh my god! I forgot about that! I can’t believe you -”

“Look, he technically kissed me first -“ James gasped, looking way too delighted with himself. “Oh my god! Sophie! We’re spit sisters!”

As she grabbed the wooden spoon from off the counter, Rafe plucked it out of her hand from behind just as quickly. “Whoa! Hey. Can you two please be civil? James, stop antagonizing. Soph, quit arguing with someone that isn’t me.”

Colin wrinkled his nose. “Really? That makes you jealous?”

“It’s our thing.” He frowned, pulling Sophie into his arms again from behind, satisfied when she leaned back against him.

She tilted her head up to catch her lips on the underside of his jaw. “You’re too possessive.”

“Bold of you to talk.” Julia snorted.

“Whatever. What’d I miss?”

Everyone shared a look, Rafe glaring at everyone behind Sophie’s back, until Allie shook her head. “Nothing, we all just woke up too. I think we should go surfing today, it’s our last full day.”

“Only you three can surf.” Julia replied, pointing at Allie and Rafe and Sophie.

“We can teach you.” Rafe suggested, only for Sophie to snort.

“You can’t surf for shit, Rafe.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re excused. I haven’t gone in years, but yeah, we can try.” Sophie pulled out her phone, starting to google board rentals until Rafe poked her in the side.

“I know how to surf.”

“Okay, so your concussion sophomore year of high school wasn’t from a wipeout? Because I’m pretty sure I can still find the video on YouTube, actually, thanks to Wheezie uploading it -”

“Hey, Sophie, no -” He grabbed at her phone, scrambling to get it away, but she just tossed it to James who caught it easily with a grin and pulled up the Youtube app immediately.

“Is it saved? Under...oh, here.” He laughed as Rafe struggled against Sophie’s arms.

“Everyone knows Kooks can’t surf, baby.” She murmured to him, grinning when he scowled and bumped his forehead against hers.

“What’s a Kook?” Colin asked.

“The kind of people Rafe grew up with.” Sophie let him go, moving to his side.

“Didn’t you grow up with them too?”

She laughed, shaking her head right away. “Ha. No. I only went to school with them starting in eighth grade. I’m not...no. That’s not me.”

“It’s not a bad thing.” Rafe interjected, careful. He’d never directly told James and Colin about the environment he grew up in, but they picked up on a lot of things - they didn’t have to go through etiquette classes, or own mansions or attend literal balls every year. He also hadn’t told them about how Sophie wasn’t like that at all, figuring if she wanted to share more, then she could do so on her own terms.

“So you’re a pog?” James cocked his head and Rafe winced, hating the direction the conversation was going in.

“Um...it’s pogue, but no? Not quite?” Sophie answered with a shrug. She’d never found herself fitting in with the rest of the kids on the Cut, especially once she started going to the private academy, but then again, the kooks weren’t exactly her world either. She lived in a weird in-between, working side by side through high school with the pogues, serving all the kook kids, then partying with the kooks on the weekend. It was a strange balance. “I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.”

“I thought there were just two. Rafe, when we came to visit summer after freshman year, didn’t your dad say that we needed to stay away from that one side of the island with the pogues -”

“I don’t remember.” Rafe interrupted quickly, then spared a glance at Sophie and hated the way her face fell. “I don’t think he said that. Can we figure out what to do today?”

Oblivious as ever, Colin furrowed his brow. “No, I think I remember that too, he was joking a lot about it -”

“He wasn’t joking.” Sophie muttered, suddenly sullen as she felt a pit form in her stomach.

“It doesn’t matter.” Rafe replied, firm, and shot both the boys a pointed look.

Julia and Allie had been subjected to Sophie’s worries about money and fitting in with Rafe time and time again, and knew exactly how she felt at the moment. Allie took Sophie’s phone back from James, pulled up the browser, and cleared her throat. “Alright. Three board rentals for $30, I figure we can all pair off? Pick them up at eleven so we have time to eat breakfast?”

“Yeah, I’m starving.” Julia chimed in, slipping past Sophie and squeezed her shoulders in a reassuring gesture before opening the fridge. “James, can we do omelets again? Colin, you’re on toast duty?”

“But I -”

“Colin.” Julia sent him a glare and threw the loaf of bread toward him, narrowly missing his head. “Toast.”

“She gets one embroidered apron in a PR package and suddenly she’s queen of the kitchen.” James quipped, bumping Rafe out of the way with his hip and pulled out the pan, spatula, and whisk, prepared.

“Exactly, I’m glad you understand.” Julia grinned.

Rafe moved closer to Sophie’s side, leaning down to murmur in her ear. “You good?”

“M’ fine.”

He rolled his eyes and took her hand, pulling her out of the kitchen and down the hall to the foyer. “Soph. Talk to me.”

“I said, I’m fine -”

“And I know damn well that means you’re not actually fine -”

She huffed and caught a glimpse of the giant chandelier behind him as she looked up to meet his gaze, and was finding it harder and harder to conceptualize the place as his house rather than just a vacation home of a friend’s. “You haven’t told the boys about The Cut? Pogues, kooks, all that? That I’m not like you?”

“Of course not, Sophie, that doesn’t matter to me.” He frowned, taking both her hands in his. “Besides, I didn’t think it was my place to share.”

“Oh.” She sighed, stepping forward and dropping her head to his chest. “Sorry, I just - I’m trying to be chill.”

“You have been. We’ve been good.” He nudged her chin up, catching her eye. “Haven’t we?”

“Yeah, yeah, just - I took a wrong turn this morning, found myself down some hallway and in some office, and there was this giant painted portrait of your family behind the desk, and -” She forced herself to take a breath. “It’s a lot. You looked like fucking royalty.”

He nodded slowly in understanding. “Oh. Yeah. That’s my dad’s office, uh...there’s a reason I didn’t give everyone the full house tour.” He rubbed the back of his neck, giving her a sheepish smile. “The guys would give me so much shit for that.”

“You’re not, like...embarrassed of me, right? Like how I grew up?” She asked before she could think, uneasy as her stomach twisted in knots.

“Sophie.” He frowned, stroking his thumb over her cheekbone. “You really have to ask that?”

“No, sorry, no. I know you’re not. Just - agh.” She screwed up her face in concentration, frustrated. “It’s me. I’m sorry.”

“Just try not to stress so much about it, okay? You’re the only one worried about it.”

“Oh, that’s easy. Thanks, Rafe, I’m cured.”

He rolled his eyes and pushed at her shoulder gently, making her smile a little. “I want you to be comfortable with me, angel.”

“I am!” She flexed her hands, frustrated. “That’s the thing. I am, with you. Not...you.”

He furrowed his brow. “Now I’m confused.”

“I don’t know how to explain it.”

James rounded the corner, yelling out before he reached them. “Yo! You two done making out yet?”

Sophie sent Rafe an exasperated look before crossing her arms, turning to James. “We weren’t -”

“Yeah, yeah, I don’t care. C’mon, your breakfast is ready and I know Rafe throws up if he has to eat cold eggs.”

“It was one time -”

“One time is enough.” James shuddered, thinking back to freshman year. Rafe had gotten a little too cocky with the pledge masters during their hazing and was forced to eat five cold scrambled eggs in front of the whole pledge class, after he’d already had his fair share of alcohol to drink, and it didn’t end well. He extended his hand to Sophie, grinning. “Sophie, doll, breakfast awaits.”

“I hate you.” She replied with a straight face, but took his hand anyway and let him pull her back to the kitchen.

He laughed, glancing back at Rafe following them and winked at him before kissing the top of Sophie’s head. “Love you too. I need a wingman tonight at the bars, you got me?”

“I thought that was Colin’s position.” She shoved him away, taking her plate and sitting at the bar with the rest of the group.

“Yeah, well, Allie’s the only one that’s been getting some this entire trip, so -”

“But -” Colin started, only for Julia to stomp on his foot under the table, hard. She forced a grin, thankful Sophie was oblivious.

Sophie furrowed her brow but nodded, pouring herself a glass of juice. “Yeah. I got you.”

“Excellent. You know what, everyone should get laid tonight. If they want to.” James declared, shooting a meaningful glance at Colin.

“If you lay a finger on Julia again, I’m cutting off your balls in the middle of the night.” Sophie replied calmly, staring James down over the top of her glass as she took a sip.

Julia pretended not to hear, keeping her eyes intently trained on her plate. She’d considered Sophie’s feelings for the briefest of seconds last night, but then James was kissing down her neck and his fingers were slipping under the waistband of her shorts and - yeah. It may have slipped her mind. She was a little preoccupied.

“Sophie.” Rafe reprimanded, affronted. “Be nice.”

“Yeah, be nice or you’ll be the only one not getting some tonight.” James teased, smirking when Sophie gave him the death glare across the table.

“Jesus Christ, you guys fight like siblings.” Allie mumbled, rolling her eyes. “Let it go already.”

“Thank you.” Rafe affirmed, shaking his head. “I need everyone to be packed tonight, we’ll need to be on the plane tomorrow by 9am.”

“I thought the beauty of having your own plane meant we didn’t have a schedule.” Colin asked.

“...No. You can’t just fly it whenever, you have to tell people. And my dad needs it later tonight, he’s going to New York.”

“I didn’t realize he went there that often. That’s kind of nice though, right? You’ll be able to see him more when you and Sophie move?” Julia asked unknowingly. Sophie had told both the girls that Ward was an asshole, but didn’t say much more, just that Rafe still worked for him a lot. (She figured anything more was Rafe’s business and he could tell them if he wanted.)

Everyone else stayed quiet and Sophie froze, halfway to shoveling a forkful of omelet into her mouth. Rafe was stiff and his smile was forced as he nodded, not daring to look in Sophie’s direction. “Yeah. He does business there sometimes, so. I’ll see him around.”

James pushed away from the table, making everyone wince as the chair squeaked against the floor. “Okay, I’ll dry if someone else washes the dishes. Then I vote we hang out at the beach, last chance before we get to go back to Ohio - and I’m pretty sure it’s only forty-five degrees today back home.”

Julia looked around, confused at the abrupt topic change, and mouthed to Allie - did I say something wrong? - only for Allie to shake her head surreptitiously, glancing toward Sophie.

“Beach sounds good.” Colin nodded, standing and taking everyone’s plates to the sink. “Allie, can you confirm those board rentals?”

“Yeah, I got them.” She stood too, getting up to help with the dishes.

Julia frowned, lowering her voice so only Rafe and Sophie could hear. “Rafe, I didn’t mean to -”

“No, it’s cool. Don’t worry about it.” Rafe shrugged it off easily. “Seriously.”

Sophie exhaled, nudging her knee against Rafe’s under the table before she got up and pressed a kiss to the top of his head, then ruffled his hair. “Love you.” She murmured as she grabbed his plate.

He smiled back, tugging gently at the hem of her (his) t-shirt before she busied herself in the kitchen with the rest of the group.

Julia watched the exchange with a furrowed brow. “Is she good?”

“Hm?” He replied absentmindedly, moving his gaze from Sophie to Julia.

“She’s okay? Earlier, with James and Colin asking…”

“Oh. Yeah, we’re good, I think. Probably just ready to go home to normalcy, you know?” He paused. “Are you gonna tell her about last night?”

“I probably have to...right?”

“Yeah. I think it’s better coming from you, rather than the boys.” He offered a teasing smile. “Don’t worry, I’ll talk her down from homicide.”

Julia groaned, covering her face with her hands. “She’s gonna hate me.”

“She won’t.” He promised. “You two are consenting adults, it’s maybe not the smartest decision you two have ever had, but. She can’t be that mad.”

“Have you met your girlfriend?” She raised her eyebrows back. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her let go of a grudge.”

Rafe smiled, pointing to himself as he shook his head. “Ever?”

“You don’t count. None of those arguments were real.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m serious. You’d know.” She shook her head, smiling fondly. “Freshman year, this guy was being a little too touchy with me, hanging around a little too much at a frat party - she went and found his big brother and when he didn’t do anything, she threw a drink in the guy’s face.”

Rafe laughed, shaking his head. “She what?!”

“Yeah. I know way too many incriminating details about her.” Julia nodded with a grin.

Sophie came back to the table, curious. “What are you two gossiping about?”

“Nothing.” He dismissed, waving his hand and got up, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “C’mon, let’s go get ready.” He mumbled something in her ear, making her blush.

Julia raised her eyebrows, watching as Rafe tugged her down the hall, hand in hand. “Don’t be late, you two!”

“Never!” Sophie called back, giggling.

______

After an attempt at surfing and hours of lounging in the sun, the group finally made it to dinner. Rafe had insisted they go to the nicer restaurant for their last day, making everyone dress up just a little more, and was happy everyone complied with the dress code he suggested when they had all packed.

When his phone pinged, again, he huffed and fished it out of his pocket. His dad had texted him five times within the last hour, making sure he would remember to be on the runway at a certain time, and that the airport security needed to be paid in cash, like usual, and that he left enough of a tip for the maids before they left, and - yeah. It was a lot. He was surprised when he saw a text from his screenwriting professor from the previous semester instead, with three words - check your email.

“Your dad again?” Sophie murmured quietly, resting her hand on his knee.

“No…” He trailed off as he opened his email and found that his screenplay had been one of two chosen to be produced for their final semester. He had a meeting next week with his professor to start working out logistics, casting and choosing a production team. “Oh. Wow.”

“What is it?”

He smiled, hesitant, and tilted his phone toward Sophie. “Um, the screenplay thing. Mine got picked.” He shook his head, in disbelief as he smiled wider. “Holy shit, mine got picked.”

“Rafe!” She exclaimed, throwing her arms around him and smacking a kiss to his cheek.

James perked up, leaning next to Sophie to read the phone too. “You got it? For real?”

“I got it.” He confirmed, now grinning ear to ear. The phone was passed around the table so everyone could read the email and everyone congratulated him, making his cheeks turn red as he beamed. Julia ordered a round of shots almost immediately. He had made the boys read it over at least five times each, for proofreading before he submitted it, then once he gave a copy to Sophie, she’d made the girls read it too because she was so proud.

“This is the one where you confess your love to her like twelve times over?” Colin asked.

“Yeah, remember, Rafe, the characters hated each other in the first draft? And then you changed the girl’s name to Sloane one day, wherever the fuck that came from -” James added, oblivious to the growing smirk on Sophie’s face.

She leaned closer, raising her eyebrows. “When was that changed?”

Rafe’s blush spread to his ears now, and he rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t remember. It’s not important, anyways -”

“I think it was barely September -“ James supplied helpfully, yelping when Rafe kicked him under the table. “Hey!”

Julia grinned. “You changed it to her middle name in only September? Weren’t you still fighting then?”

“I didn’t know -” He started to defend himself, only for Allie to roll her eyes.

“Oh, okay, you just happened to change it to that of all names. Sure, we believe that.”

Julia laughed once she caught Sophie’s eye and her extremely pleased expression. “She’s had a crush on you since high school, anyways -”

“I did not -” Sophie instantly retorted, ignoring the smug grin Rafe wore. “She’s lying.”

“I’m not. Jesus, Sophie, you two could have saved yourself all that arguing and just been together, you two are dumb.”

“Wait, you’ve liked me for that long?” Rafe cocked his head, oblivious.

“Oh my god, you two are blind.” Allie giggled, accepting the tray of shots from their waitress and passed them around. “Here, everyone - congrats, Rafe.” She lifted her shot and everyone else clinked theirs together, then took it at once.

The rest of the night was a blur for everyone, but especially Rafe. He kept taking other people’s shots on accident and sucked down any drink presented to him with a straw, but absolutely refused to hydrate normally (Sophie resorted to giving him vodka waters at the end of the night just so she could keep him upright). He kept an arm slung around her shoulders or waist the entire night, not letting her out of his sight for a single second.

“Baby, please stop leaning.” Sophie told him with an exasperated tone, pushing at his shoulder for the fifth time that night.

“I love you so much.” He replied, bright-eyed with a grin. “So damn much.”

“Okay. Stand up straight.”

“I am.”

James ambled back to the two of them and ducked in between them so Rafe’s arm was around his shoulders instead, taking the weight off of her for a moment. “Jesus, Cameron, lay off the drinks.”

“He’s fine, he’s celebrating.” Sophie smiled, patting Rafe’s cheek affectionately.

“Enabler.”

She shrugged. “So be it. Where have you been?”

“Trying to talk with some girls.” He supplied, nodding his head toward Colin with the same group. “Apparently they’re more into nerds.”

“The one time in your life you’ve failed to score.” She teased, batting his hand away as he went to flick her.

Rafe leaned into James, resting his head against his. He had a few inches on him, making it just comfortable enough. “James. Guess what.”

“What, bud.”

“I’m gonna marry Sophie.”

“Yeah, dude, we know.”

“No. Tonight.”

James snorted. “Yeah, okay. I feel like you’re gonna be out within the hour.”

Rafe ignored him, eyes scanning across the crowd. “Where are our girls?”

Sophie beamed, loving how he’d adopted her friends as his own. “I think Julia’s just getting guys to buy her drinks and Allie’s hovering around so she can benefit.”

“Julia definitely had some guy’s tongue down her throat earlier.” James confirmed. “I told him to fuck off.”

“Does she need help?” Rafe frowned, handing his drink to Sophie and straightening up like he was going to go hunt for her.

“No, she’s fine.” James nodded toward Colin, Julia and Allie all coming back toward them.

Sophie looped her arm back around Rafe’s waist, taking his weight again, and intercepted a drink that Allie offered to him. “No more. You guys having fun?”

“Yeah, a couple guys might be coming over to join us later.” Julia informed them casually. “Rafe, you good with that? I won’t show them any of your fancy shit.”

“Uh...yeah. That’s fine.” He cocked his head. “Wait, a couple? Just for you?”

“No, me and Al.” At Colin’s affronted look, she shook her head quickly. “Not at the same time!”

“Wait, no, we’re busy tonight.” Rafe shook his head and smacked a kiss to Sophie’s temple. “We’re getting married.”

Colin widened his eyes. “You’re what?”

“We’re not!” Sophie amended quickly, pinching Rafe’s side. “We’re not. He’s hammered.”

“She doesn’t wanna marry me ‘cause she’s scared of my dad.” Rafe informed them, his expression a little too serious for it to be a joke. “It’s true.”

“Okay. I think you need to go home.” She pursed her lips. “Are you guys staying, or…?”

“Family sticks together!” Rafe exclaimed, looping his arm around Colin. “We’re all going home. Did someone pack a white dress?”

“Rafe, we are not getting married.” Sophie sighed, exasperated. “Not tonight.”

“But I have the ring.” He protested, making the whole group stop in their tracks.

Julia nearly choked on her drink, mid-sip. “You what?!”

Rafe held up his hand and slid his pinky ring off his finger, the only one that barely fit Sophie’s thumb. “See? I have a ring.”

“Oh my god.” Allie breathed out, shaking her head. She stepped around him and strode forward out of the club, knowing he’d follow. “Hey! Come on. We’re going home.”

Sophie just stared at Rafe blankly, not following the rest of the group until James gave her a little shove from behind. “Chill out, Flint, I’m not gonna let him propose like that.”

She shook her head to get herself to snap out of it, laughing weakly. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

“No panicking.”

“I’m not - just. Jesus. Okay. He says that so easily.” She mumbled, walking out with James behind the group.

He laughed, nodding. “Of course he does. It’s Rafe. He loves hard.”

“Yeah.” She smiled to herself, twisting her ring on her finger. “He does.”

Once they all made it home, after some convincing on Allie’s part with the taxi driver and a little extra cash thrown in from Rafe, James and Colin helped wrestle Rafe into their bedroom. (They made the mistake of looking the other way once and he took off across multiple lanes of traffic, convinced he needed to go rescue the kitten that was on the other side of the road - it was actually a crumpled paper bag.)

“Okay. He’s your problem now.” Colin brushed off his hands for emphasis, swatting Rafe’s hand away as he went to tug on Colin’s shirt. “There’s no way he’s getting anything up, so sleep is probably your best option.”

Sophie blushed, running her hands over her face. “Great, I needed to hear that. Helpful.”

“Fuck you, Colin.” Rafe slurred, flipping him off.

“Mature.” James commented, kissing the top of Rafe’s head, then Sophie’s, before turning to leave. Any other time it would be weird, but she’d gotten used to his drunk affectionate state. “Night buddies!”

“Night! Love you!” Rafe called after him and Colin as they left and shut the door behind them. He turned his gaze to Sophie, smiling goofily at her. “Hi, sweetheart.”

“Hi, baby.” She replied, glad he was compliant as she tugged off his shoes and socks, and shirt too. “Can you take off your shorts for me?”

“You can take ‘em off.” He grinned, wiggling his eyebrows at her.

She rolled her eyes, having to shove a little, but finally succeeded to strip him down to his boxers. “Okay. Will you come brush your teeth?”

Without a warning, he grabbed her and pulled her onto his lap, meeting her in a full-force kiss, hands roaming.

“Hey!” She squealed, shoving at his chest out of instinct. “Watch the hands, Rafe.”

He immediately dropped them to her sides, nudging his nose against hers. “I love you.”

“Love you too. I’d love you more if you would brush your teeth.”

“Dental hygiene is that important to you?” He skimmed his palm up her back, teasing his fingers along the zipper down the back of her crop top. “You should be naked right now.”

“Cameron.” She warned.

“Not my name.”

“Rafael.”

“Sophieeeee.” He whined, pouting. “Say my name for real.”

She rolled her eyes and kissed along his neck, resisting a laugh when he so easily melted to putty beneath her. “Rafe. Asher. Clifford. Cameron.”

“Sounds like I’m in trouble.” He mumbled, unzipping her crop top and hummed in satisfaction when she slipped her arms out of the skinny straps, letting him toss it aside. “I don’t like that.”

“Baby?” She murmured, sucking a small spot at the base of his neck before returning to kiss his lips.

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”

“That’s not nice.” He frowned. “Be nice to me.”

“No.”

“You have to be nice to your boyfriend, angel, it’s the rules.”

“I’ve never heard these rules.” She countered, pushing him back against the bed. “I don’t think I got the rulebook when we started dating.”

“Because you hated me when we started dating.” He argued, flopping back against the mattress. “Are we gonna have sex?”

“Can you stay awake long enough?”

He nodded enthusiastically, reaching up to palm her breast. “Yeah. I got you. I’ll make you come, like, five times.”

She snorted, tugging off her skirt and pushed it aside. “I don’t think you’ve ever made me come five times. Maybe three, but that’s it.”

“What? No. That’s not right. You definitely have - like, in Nice or something -”

“Nope. I would remember.” She rolled off of him to pull off her underwear and toss it on the floor, then laughed as he rolled on top of her, frowning.

“I totally have, Sophie, come on. You’re lying. I can get you off.”

“Yeah, but not five times. That’s so long, Rafe.” She argued, grinning as he ran his hands down both her arms before pushing them above her head, one large hand encircling both her wrists.

“I’ll show you five times.” He argued, glancing around the room, unfocused. “Where’s some string?”

“You are not tying me up with string, Rafe, pay attention.” She arched her back a little, practically shoving her chest in his face to get him back on track. He nodded, dropping his hand down to her hip and skated his teeth across her nipple, loving the moan it elicited from her. She curled her fingers into his hair, sighing when he left open-mouthed kisses across her chest.

He hummed, his head bobbing a little and his eyelids fluttered as he felt her nails rake across his scalp. “More.” He mumbled.

“Yeah?” She replied, scratching his head a little more and had to bite back a laugh when he rested his head on her chest for a moment, then pressed lazy kisses against her skin. “Don’t you dare fall asleep on me.”

“M’not, just...resting.” His breathing slowed and he reached one hand up to cup her breast, though the way he did it felt more like he was holding it for emotional support than to turn her on.

“Rafe.” She whispered, squirming underneath him. “Get off.”

“Shh.” He nuzzled a little closer, relaxing his full body weight into hers. “Nappin.’”

“Are you fucking -” She sighed, pushing him just enough so he rolled onto his back. “I’m gonna go brush my teeth.”

“No, no, I’m ready.” He mumbled without opening his eyes, gesturing loosely to his lap. “See.”

She rolled her eyes and tugged on a pair of underwear and a big shirt of his that she’d packed, then leaned over to kiss his cheek. “You’re not even close to hard.”

“No...what’sit you say?” He squinted one eye open to look at her. “Have at me?”

She just laughed, shaking her head. “I’ll be back.”

“Sophie, baby, Sophie.” Rafe repeated, grabbing at her arm. “You gotta stay.”

“I’m just getting you water, Cameron, I’ll be right back. Promise.” She slipped her arm out of his loose grip and pressed a kiss to his forehead, smiling at the way his lips turned up in a dopey smile back. “Stay here.”

“Okay. Be safe!” He called out.

She shook her head and went out to the kitchen, grabbed two water bottles and returned to the room not five minutes later to see him fast asleep, snoring softly with his phone in his hand, screen still shining bright. She rolled her eyes and pried his phone away, then paused as she saw the screen - he’d just donated $5,000 to the local animal shelter in Columbus. This wasn’t an entire unusual occurrence - she’d seen a couple emails in his inbox here and there thanking him for a donation, but never this much. “Holy shit. Rafe.” She nudged him, trying to wake him up. “Rafe.”

“Mm?” He grumbled, rolling back over.

“Did you mean to do this?” She showed him his phone screen. “Five thousand?”

“Uh huh.” He reached over and wrapped his arms around her waist, trying to pull her into bed. “Come sleep.”

“You’re sure? You didn’t mean, like, $50? Or even $500?”

He pouted, lip wobbling a little as his eyes began to water. “Baby, all those animals are in there on the cold floor, and they don’t have homes -”

“Oh, honey -”

“No, no, listen. They don’t have homes, and it’s not fair, but if they get more money they take away their adoption fee, and then they can have a home.” He stared her down seriously as a couple tears slipped down his cheeks. “They need homes, Sophie.”

She nodded, taking a seat at the edge of the bed and stroked her thumbs over his wet cheeks. “Yeah, sweet boy. They need homes.”

“I hope Josie’s okay.” He yawned, moving to rest his head on her lap.

“Josie?”

“She’s five, and she’s a very sweet yellow lab, and good with other dogs and people, and she’s been at the shelter since July,” he recited from memory. Rafe had checked the website at least every two weeks and had found himself attached to this one dog for reasons he couldn’t explain, even going as far as buying her toys from the shelter’s Amazon wishlist. He absolutely knew he couldn’t visit, because he’d be taking her home in an instant. When he’d been looking for apartments in New York for them, he found himself selecting pet friendly as a search option - just in case.

“Oh. Okay.” She murmured, a little confused as she stroked his hair. “I’m sure she’s alright, Rafe. Will you drink some water for me? Or at least take your contacts out?”

He blinked hard, rubbing his eyes until his contacts popped out, and set them on the nightstand. Sophie resisted a scowl. He slipped his hand under her shirt and held her tight, palm splayed flat against her ribcage. “G’night.”

“Night, baby. I love you.”

“Sophie.”

“Yeah, Rafe?” She settled in against him, pulling the covers over them both.

“Marry me.”

She laughed, rolling back over to nudge her nose against his. “No.”

He yawned, not bothering to open his eyes. “Please?”

“Later. Now we’re sleeping.” She kissed him softly, smiling as she whispered. “Sweet dreams, favorite boy.”

“Love you.” He mumbled back, barely coherent before falling asleep.

____

The next morning, he was all too smug as he woke Sophie up, blindly reaching for her in bed and pulled her close against his chest. “Baby.”

“No.” She grumbled, pulling the pillow over her head as she tried to wriggle away.

“Soph.” He tried again, holding her tight as he pressed kisses against her hair. “Sophieee.”

“I’m tired, Rafe, fuck off.” She sighed, frowning up at him as he grabbed the pillow and tossed it to the floor. “Hey.”

“Tired from last night, huh?” He smirked, trailing a finger down the center of her chest, down her stomach. “Sore?”

Sophie rolled over to look him in the eye, eyebrows raised. “Sore from what?”

“You know.”

“I don’t.”

“C’mon.”

She furrowed her brow at him, confused. “Rafe, you fell asleep holding my boob. You weren’t even hard.”

“Huh?” He cocked his head, sitting up a little. “But we...did I dream that? The navy lace?”

She laughed, loud. “I don’t own navy lace anything.”

“Well, shit, we gotta buy you something.” He ran his hand through his hair, still a little confused as Sophie smiled up at him and fixed his messy hair, sitting up to straddle him. “Really? We didn’t do a thing? I swore, you were, like, having the time of your life.”

Sophie shook her head, placing both hands on his chest as she shifted forward a little. “No. You left me high and dry. Glad dream-me could get something though.”

Rafe quickly picked up on her cues, his hands going to her hips to steady her. “I think I can help fix that.”

“I think you can too.”

Just as she leaned down to kiss him, James pounded on their door, thankfully being smart enough to not barge in. “Yo! We’re leaving in an hour! Do you want breakfast?”

“Fuck off!” Sophie yelled, rocking her hips against Rafe’s. “We’re busy!”

“Busy packing, I hope!” James called back.

“He’s packing!” She replied with a giggle, laughing harder when Rafe quickly clasped his hand over her mouth and shushed her.

“We’re not hungry!” Rafe yelled, pinching Sophie’s side. “Leave us alone!”

She squealed, batting his hand away and couldn’t help but laugh as James’s footsteps faded away. “What, I’m not allowed to brag about you?”

“We don’t have time for you to brag.” He replied, wrapping a strong hand around the back of her neck to pull her into a bruising kiss. “C’mere.”

“How much do you remember of last night?” She asked in between kisses, leaning back just enough to pull off her shirt.

“Not much.” He flipped them over, then leaned down to graze his teeth over her nipple.

“You asked me to marry you.” She breathed out, a little wary of his reaction. “Multiple times.”

“I did? I’m a smart man.” He replied with a smirk, trailing his fingers up her inner thighs.

“You are.” Sophie moaned quietly, then pressed her hips up. “Just get inside me.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive, Rafe, please, I gotta shower and pack.”

He laughed, loud. “Sure we have time?”

“Rafe Cameron, I swear to fucking god -”

He laughed, cutting her off with a kiss. “I got you, baby. Always got you.”

taglist: @drewstarkey @lemur46 @jjmaybanksbaby @edgeofgr8 @quxxnxfhxll @obxtess @hoodpankow @vtgirl802 @outerbankies @messagesinthesky @nicolecarsley @svechnikolan @ilovejjmaybank @obxtess @abbyj1822 @oopsiedoopsie23 @g4bster @jjmaybankzz @freddymaybank @dontjinx-it @illbesafeforyou @moniamaybank @tovvaa @jailcalledlife @sunshineitsfine44 @randomficsandshit @outerbankspreferences @outerbanksbro @karsinner @kkmaybank @whoeveniskendall @lemur46 @outerbankies

[shihalyfie]

Hi :) If it's not too much trouble, could you please share your take on why they'd continue the Adventure brand after tri. was such a flop? (and a tangent: what does "dark history" even mean?). We got Kizuna, the reboot, and a 02 movie. Logically, it doesn't really make sense they'd keep investing in it.

This is a thorny topic, and I'd like to reiterate that although I've ended up making more posts related to this series and the discourse surrounding it recently (probably because it's even more on the mind now that another movie is on the horizon and a lot of people are apprehensive for various reasons), I do not want this blog to be making a brand out of being critical of this series. I’m writing this here and in public because I figured that there is a certain degree I need to clarify what I mean about audience reception/climate and how it might impact current or future works, and I’m admittedly also more than a little upset that I occasionally see Western fanbase criticisms of the series getting dismissed by people claiming that the only people mad about it are dramamongering or ignorant Westerners (which could not be further from the truth). However, this is mainly to address this and to answer your question, and is not intended to try and change anyone's existing opinion or impression of the series as much as it's me trying to explain (from my own personal reading of the situation) what practically went down with critical reception in real life; no more, no less.

The short summary of the matter is:

The series was a moderate financial success (albeit with some caveats; see the long version for details) and definitely outstripped a lot of prior attempts to revive the franchise;

However, the overall Japanese fanbase-side critical backlash from tri. was extremely and viciously negative to the point where even acknowledging the series too much could easily result in controversy;

Kizuna’s production and the PR surrounding it very obviously have this in mind with a lot of apparent “damage control” elements.

The long version is below.

Note that while I try to be diligent about citing my sources so people understand that I’m not just making things up wholesale, I’m deliberately refraining from linking certain things here this time, both because some of the things mentioned have some pretty crude things written there -- it’s not something I feel comfortable directing people to regardless of what language it’s in -- and because I don’t want to recklessly link things on social media and cause anyone to go after or harass the people involved. For the links that have been provided, please still be warned that some of them don’t really link to particularly pleasant things.

I am not writing the following information to suggest that anyone should agree or disagree with the sentiments being described. I know people tend to take "a lot of people like/hate this" as a signal of implication "it is correct to like/hate this" when it's not (and I especially dislike the idea of implying that Japanese fanbase opinions are the only correct ones). There's a reason I focus on "critical reception being this way" (because it influences marketing decisions and future direction) rather than how much this should impact one's personal feelings; this is coming from myself as someone who is shamelessly proud of liking many things that had bad critical reception, were financial failures, or are disliked by many. As I point out near the end, the situation also does seem to be changing for the better in more recent years as well.

Also, to be clear, I'm a single person who's observing everything best I can from my end, I have no affiliations with staff nor do I claim to, and as much as I'm capable of reading Japanese and thus reading a lot of people's impressions, I'm ultimately still another “outsider” looking in. These are my impressions from my observation of fan communal spaces, following artists and reading comments on social media and art posting websites, and results from social media searches. In the end, I know as much as anyone else about what happened, so this is just my two cents based on all of my personal observations.

A fanbase is a fanbase regardless of what part of the world you're from. There are people who love it and are shameless about saying so. There are people who have mixed feelings or at least aren't on extreme ends of the spectrum (as always, the loudest ones are always the most visible, but it's not always easy to claim they're the predominant percentage of the fanbase). That happens everywhere, and I still find that on every end I've seen. However, if I'm talking about my impressions and everything I’ve encountered, I will say that the overall Japanese reaction to tri. comes off as significantly more violently negative on average than the Western one, which is unusual because often it's the other way around. (I personally feel less so because the opinions are that fundamentally different and more so because we're honestly kind of loud and in-your-face people; otherwise, humans are mostly the same everywhere, and more often than not people feel roughly the same about everything if they’re given the same information to work with.)

This is not something I can say lightly, and thus would not say if I didn’t really get this impression, but...we're talking "casually looking up movie reviews for Kizuna have an overwhelming amount of people casually citing any acknowledgment of tri. elements as a negative element", or the fact that even communal wikis for "general" fandoms like Pixiv and Aniwota don't tend to hold back in being vicious about it (as of this writing, Pixiv's wiki refuses to consider it in the same timeline as Adventure, accusing it of being "a series that claims to be a sequel set three years after 02 but is in fact something different"). Again, there are people who openly enjoy it and actively advocate for it (and Pixiv even warns people to not lord over others about it condescendingly because of the fact that such people do exist), and this is also more of a reflection of “the hardcore fanbase on the Internet” and not necessarily the mainstream (after all, there are quite a few other Digimon works where the critical reception varies very heavily between the two). Nevertheless, the take-home is that the reputation is overall negative among the Internet fanbase to the point that this is the kind of sentiment you run into without trying all that hard.

I think, generally speaking, if we're just talking about why a lot of people resent the series, the reasons aren't that different from those on the Western side. However, that issue of "dark history" (黒歴史): there's a certain degree of demand from the more violently negative side of the fanbase that's, in a sense, asking official to treat it as a disgrace and never acknowledge it ever again, hence why Kizuna doing so much as borrowing things from it rather than rejecting it outright is still sometimes treated like it’s committing a sin. So it's somewhat close in spirit to a retcon movement, which is unusual because no other Digimon series gets this (not even 02; that was definitely a thing on the Western end, but while I'm sure there are people who hate it that much on their end too, I've never really seen it gain enough momentum for anyone to take it seriously). If anyone ever tells you that Japanese fanbases are nice to everything, either they don't know Japanese, are being willfully ignorant, or are lying to you, because there is such thing as drama in those areas, and in my experience, I've seen things get really nasty when things are sufficiently pushed over the edge, and if a fanbase wants to have drama, it will have drama. This happens to be one of those times.

(If you think this is extreme, please know that I also think so too, so I hope you really understand that me describing this sentiment does not mean I am personally endorsing it. Also, let me reiterate that the loudest section of the fanbase is not necessarily the predominant one; after all, as someone who’s been watching reactions to 02 over the years, I myself can attest that its hatedom has historically made it sound more despised than it actually is in practice.)

My impression is that the primary core sentiment behind why the series so much as existing and being validated is considered such an offense (rather than, say, just saying "wow, that writing was bad" and moving on) is heavily tied to the release circumstances the series came out in during 2015-2018, and the idea that "this series disrespected Adventure, and also disrespected the fanbase.” (I mean, really, regardless of what part of the world you’re from, sequels and adaptations tend to be held to a higher bar of expectation than standalone works, because they’re expected to do them justice.) A list of complaints I’ve come across a lot while reading through the above:

The Japanese fanbase is pretty good at recordkeeping when it comes to Adventure universe lore, partially because they got a lot of extra materials that weren’t localized, but also partially because adherence to it seems to generally be more Serious Business to them than it is elsewhere. For instance, “according to Adventure episode 45, ‘the one who wishes for stability’ (Homeostasis) only started choosing children in 1995, and therefore there can be no Chosen Children before 1995” is taken with such gravity that this, not anything to do with evolutions or timeline issues, is the main reason Hurricane Touchdown’s canonicity was disputed in that arena (because Wallace implies that he met his partners before 1995). It’s a huge reason the question of Kizuna also potentially not complying to lore came to the forefront, because tri. so flagrantly contradicts it so much that this issue became very high on the evaluation checklist. In practice, Kizuna actually goes against Adventure/02 very little, so the reason tri. in particular comes under fire for this is that it does it so blatantly there were theories as early as Part 1 that this series must take place in a parallel universe or something, and as soon as it became clear it didn’t, the resulting sentiment was “wow, you seriously thought nobody would notice?” (thus “disrespecting the audience”).

A lot of the characterization incongruity is extremely obvious when you’re following only the Japanese version, partially because it didn’t have certain localization-induced characterization changes (you are significantly less likely to notice a disparity with Mimi if you’re working off the American English dub where they actually did make her likely to step on others’ toes and be condescending, whereas in Japanese the disparity is jarring and hard to miss) and partially due to some things lost in translation (Mimi improperly using rough language on elders is much easier to spot as incongruity if you’re familiar with the language). Because it’s so difficult to miss, and honestly feels like a lot of strange writing decisions you’d make only if you really had no concept of what on earth happened in the original series, it only contributes to the idea that they were handling Adventure carelessly and disrespectfully without paying attention to what the series was even about (that, or worse, they didn’t care).

02 is generally well-liked there! It’s controversial no matter where you go, but as I said earlier, there was no way a retcon movement would have ever been taken seriously, and the predominant sentiment is that, even if you’re not a huge fan of it, its place in canon (even the epilogue) should be respected. So not only flagrantly going against 02-introduced lore but also doing that to a certain quartet is seen as malicious, and you don’t have as much of the converse discourse celebrating murdering the 02 quartet (yeah, that’s a thing that happened here) or accusing people with complaints of “just being salty because they like 02″ as nearly as much of a factor; I did see it happen, or at least dismissals akin to “well it’s Adventure targeted anyway,” but they were much less frequent. The issue with the 02 quartet is usually the first major one brought up, and there’s a lot of complaints even among those who don’t care for 02 as much that the way they went about it was inhumane and hypocritical, especially when killing Imperialdramon is fine but killing Meicoomon is a sin. Also, again, “you seriously think nobody will see a problem with how this doesn’t make sense?”

I think even those who are fans of the series generally agree with this, but part of the reason the actual real-life time this series went on is an important factor is that the PR campaign for this series was godawful. Nine months of clicking on an egg on a website pretending like audience participation meant something when in actuality it was blatantly obvious it was just a smokescreen to reveal info whenever they were ready? This resulted in a chain effect where even more innocuous/defensible things were viewed in a suspicious or negative light (for instance, "the scam of selling the fake Kaiser's goggles knowing Ken fans would buy it only to reveal that it's not him anyway"), and a bunch of progressively out-of-touch-with-the-fanbase statements and poor choices led to more sentiment “yeah, you’re just insulting the fanbase at this point,” and a general erosion of trust in official overall.

On top of that, the choice of release format to have it spread out as six movies over three years seems to have exacerbated the backlash to get much worse than it would have been otherwise, especially since one of the major grievances with the series is that how it basically strung people along, building up more and more unanswered questions before it became apparent it was never going to answer them anyway. So when you’re getting that frustrated feeling over three whole years, it feels like three years of prolonged torture, and it becomes much harder to forgive for the fallout than if you’d just marathoned the entire thing at once.

For those who are really into the Digimon (i.e. species) lore and null canon, while I’m not particularly well-versed in that side of the fanbase, it seems tri. fell afoul of them too for having inaccurately portrayed (at one point, mislabeled) special attacks and poorly done battle choreography, along with the treatment of Digimon in general (infantilized Digimon characterization, general lack of Digimon characters in general, very flippant treatment of the Digital World in Parts 3-5). If you say you’re going to “reboot” the Digital World and not address the entire can of worms that comes with basically damaging an entire civilization of Digimon, as you can imagine, a lot of people who actually really care about that are going to be pissed, and the emerging sentiment is “you’re billing this as a Digimon work, but you don’t even care about the monsters that make up this franchise.”

The director does not have a very positive reputation among those who know his work (beyond just Digimon), and in general there was a lot of suspicion around the fact they decided to get a guy whose career has primarily been built on harem and fanservice anime to direct a sequel to a children’s series. Add to that a ton of increasingly unnerving statements about how he intended to make the series “mature” in comparison to its predecessor (basically, an implication that Adventure and 02 were happy happy joy series where nothing bad ever happened) and descriptions of Adventure that implied a very, very poor grasp of anything that happened in it: inaccurate descriptions of their characters, poor awareness of 02′s place in the narrative, outright saying in Febri that he saw the Digimon as like perpetual kindergartners even after evolving, and generally such a flippant attitude that it drove home the idea that the director of an Adventure sequel had no respect for Adventure, made this series just to maliciously dunk on it for supposedly being immature, and has such a poor grasp of what it even was that it’s possible he may not have seen it in the first place (or if he did, clearly skimmed it to the extent he understood it poorly to pretty disturbing levels). As of this writing, Aniwota Wiki directly cites him as a major reason for the backlash.

In general, consensus seems to be that the most positively received aspect of the series (story-wise) was Part 3 (mostly its ending, but some are more amenable to the Takeru and Patamon drama), and the worst vitriol goes towards Parts 2 (for the blatantly contradictory portrayal of Mimi and Jou and the hypocritical killing of Imperialdramon) and 4 (basically the “point of no return” where even more optimistic people started getting really turned off). This is also what I suspect is behind the numbers on the infamous DigiPoll (although the percentage difference is admittedly low enough to fall within margin of error). However, there was suspicion about the series even from Part 1, with one prominent fanartist openly stating that it felt more like meeting a ton of new people than it did reuniting with anyone they knew.

So with all of that on the table: how did this affect official? The thing is that when I say “violently negative”, I mean that also entailed spamming official with said violently negative social media comments. While this is speculation, I am fairly certain that official must have realized how bad this was getting as early as between Parts 4 and 5, because that’s where a lot of really suspicious things started happening behind the scenes; while I imagine the anime series itself was now too far in to really do anything about it, one of the most visible producers suddenly vanished from the producer lineup and was replaced by Kinoshita Yousuke, who ended up being the only member of tri. staff shared with Kizuna (and, in general, the fact that not a single member of staff otherwise was retained kind of says a lot). Once the series ended in 2018 and the franchise slowly moved into Kizuna-related things, you might notice that tri.-branded merch production almost entirely screeched to a halt and official has been very touchy about acknowledging it too deeply; it’s not that they don’t, but it’s kind of an awfully low amount for what you’d think would be warranted for a series that’s supposed to be a full entry in the big-name Adventure brand.

The reason is, simply, that if they do acknowledge it too much, people will get pissed at them. That’s presumably why the tri. stage play (made during that interim period between Parts 4 and 5 and even branded with the title itself) and Kizuna are really hesitant to be too aggressive about tri. references; it’s not necessarily that official wants to blot it out of history like the most extreme opinions would like them to, but even being too enthusiastic about affirming it will also get them backlash, especially if the things they affirm are contradictory to Adventure or 02. And considering even the small references they did put in still got them criticism for “affirming” tri. too much, you can easily see that the backlash would have been much harder if they’d attempted more than that; staying as close as possible to Adventure and 02 and trying to deal with tri. elements only when they’re comparatively inoffensive was pretty much the “safe” thing to do in this scenario (especially since fully denying tri. would most certainly upset the people who did like the series, and if you have to ask me, I personally think this would have been a pretty crude thing to have done right after the series had just finished). Even interviews taken after the fact often involve quickly disclaiming involvement with the series, or, if they have to bring up something about it, discussing the less controversial aspects like the art (while the character designs were still controversial, it’s at least at the point where some fanartists will still be willing to make use of them even if they dislike the series, albeit often with prominent disclaimers) or the more well-received parts of Part 3; Kizuna was very conspicuously marketed as a standalone movie, even if it shared the point of “the Adventure kids, but older” that tri. had.

(Incidentally, the tri. stage play has generally been met with a good reputation and was received well even among people who were upset with the anime, so it was well-understood that they had no relation. In fact, said stage play is probably even better received than Kizuna, although that’s not too surprising given the controversial territory Kizuna goes into, making the stage play feel very play-it-safe in comparison.)

So, if we’re going to talk about Kizuna in particular: tri. was, to some degree, a moderate financial success, in the sense that it made quite a bit of money and did a lot to raise awareness of the Digimon brand still continuing...however, if you actually look at the sales figures for tri., they go down every movie; part of it was probably because of the progressively higher “hurdle” to get into a series midway, but consider that Gundam Unicorn (a movie series which tri.’s format was often compared to) had its sales go up per movie thanks to word of mouth and hype. So while tri. does seem to have gotten enough money to help sustain the franchise at first, the trade-off was an extremely livid fanbase that had shattered faith in the brand and in official, and so while continuing the Adventure brand might still be profitable, there was no way they were going to get away with continuing to do this lest everything eventually crash and burn.

Hence, if you look at the way Kizuna was produced and advertised, you can see a lot of it is blatantly geared at addressing a lot of the woes aimed at tri.: instead of the staff that had virtually no affiliation with Toei, the main members of staff announced were either from the original series (Seki and Yamatoya) or openly childhood fans, the 02 quartet was made into a huge advertising point as a dramatic DigiFes reveal (and character profies that tie into the 02 epilogue careers prominently part of the advertising from day one), and they even seemed to acknowledge the burnout on the original Adventure group by advertising it so heavily as “the last adventure of Taichi and his friends”, so you can see that there’s a huge sentiment of “damage control” with it. How successful that was...is debatable, since opinions have been all over the board; quite a few people were naturally so livid at what happened with tri. that Kizuna was just opening more of the wound, but there were also people who liked it much better and were willing to acknowledge it (with varying levels of enthusiasm, some simply saying “it was thankfully okay,” and some outright loving it), and there was a general sentiment even among those who disliked both that they at least understood what Kizuna was going for and that it didn’t feel as inherently disrespectful. (Of course, there are people who loved tri. and hated Kizuna, and there are people who loved both, too.)

Moreover, Kizuna actually has a slightly different target audience from tri.; there’s a pretty big difference between an OVA and a theatrical movie, and, quite simply, Kizuna was made under the assumption that a lot of people watching it may not have even seen tri. in the first place. An average of 11% of the country watched Adventure and 02, but the number of people who watched tri. is much smaller, in part due to the fact that its “theater” screenings were only very limited screenings compared to Kizuna being shown in theaters in Japan and worldwide, and in part due to the fact that watching six parts over three years is a pretty huge commitment for someone who may barely remember Digimon as anything beyond a show they watched as a kid, and may be liable to just fall off partway through because they simply just forgot. (Which also probably wasn’t helped by the infamously negative reputation, something that definitely wouldn’t encourage someone already on the fence.) And that’s yet another reason Kizuna couldn’t make too many concrete tri. references; being a theatrical movie, it needs to have as wide appeal as possible, and couldn’t risk locking out an audience that had a very high likelihood of not having seen it, much less to the end -- it may have somewhat been informed by tri.’s moderate financial success and precedent, but it ultimately was made for the original Adventure and 02 audience more than anything else.

I would say that, generally, while Kizuna is “controversial” for sure, reception towards the movie seems to be more positive than negative, it won over a large chunk of people who were burned out by tri., and it clearly seems to have been received well enough that it’s still being cashed in on a year after its release. The sheer existence of the upcoming 02-based movie is also probably a sign of Kizuna’s financial and critical success; Kinoshita confirmed at DigiFes 2020 that nothing was in production at the time, and stated shortly after the movie’s announcement that work on it had just started. So the decision to make it seems to have been made after eyeing Kizuna’s reception, and, moreover, the movie was initially advertised from the get-go with Kizuna’s director and writer (Taguchi and Yamatoya), meaning those two have curried enough goodwill from the fanbase that this can be used to promote the movie. (If not, you would think that having and advertising Seki would be the bigger priority.) While this is my own sentiment, I am personally doubtful official would have even considered 02 something remotely profitable enough on its own to cash in on if it weren’t for this entire sequence of events of 02′s snubbing in tri. revealing how much of a fanbase it had (especially with the sheer degree of “suspicious overcompensation” Kizuna had with its copious use of the 02 quartet and it tagging a remix of the first 02 ED on the Hanareteitemo single, followed by the drama CD and character songs), followed by Kizuna having success in advertising with them so heavily. Given all of the events between 2015 and now, it’s a bit ironic to see that 02 has now become basically the last resort to be able to continue anything in the original Adventure universe without getting too many people upset at them about it.

The bright side coming out of all of this is that, while it’s still a bit early to tell, now that we’re three years out from tri. finishing up and with Kizuna in the game, it seems there’s a possibility for things improving around tri.’s reception as well. Since a lot of the worst heated points of backlash against it have a very “you had to have been there” element (related to the PR, release schedule, and staff comments), those coming in “late” don’t have as much reason to be as pissed at it; I’ve seen at least one case of a fanartist getting back into the franchise because of Kizuna hype, watching tri. to catch up, casually criticizing it on Twitter, and moving on with their life, presumably because marathoning the whole thing being generally aware of what’ll happen in it and knowing Kizuna is coming after anyway gives you a lot less reason to be angry to the point of holding an outright grudge. Basically, even if you don’t like it, it’s much easier to actually go “yeah, didn’t like that,” not worry too much about it, and move on. Likewise, I personally get the impression that official has been starting to get a little more confident about digging up elements related to it. Unfortunately, a fairly recent tweet promoting the series getting put on streaming services still got quite a few angry comments implying that they should be deleting the scourge from the Internet instead, so there’s still a long way to go, but hopefully the following years will see things improve further...

In regards to the reboot, I -- and I think a lot of people will agree with me -- have a bit of a hard time reading what exact audience it’s trying to appeal to; we have a few hints from official that they want parents to watch it with their children, and that it may have been a necessary ploy in order to secure their original timeslot. So basically, the Adventure branding gets parents who grew up with the original series to be interested in it and to show it to their kids, and convinces Fuji TV that it might be profitable. But as most people have figured by now, the series has a completely different philosophy and writing style -- I mean, the interview itself functionally admits it’s here to be more action-oriented and to have its own identity -- and the target audience is more the kids than anything else. As for the Internet fanbase of veterans, most people have been critical of its character writing and pacing, but other than a few stragglers who are still really pissed, it hasn’t attracted all that much vitriol, probably because in the end it’s an alternate universe, it doesn’t have any obligation to adhere to anything from the original even if it uses the branding, and it’s clearly still doing its job of being a kids’ show for kids who never saw the original series nor 02, so an attempt to call it “disrespectful” to the original doesn’t have much to stand on. A good number of people who are bored of it decided it wasn’t interesting to them and dropped it without incident, while other people are generally just enjoying it for being fun, and the huge amount of Digimon franchise fanservice with underrepresented Digimon and high fidelity to null canon lore is really pleasing the side of the fanbase that’s into that (I mean, Digimon World Golemon is really deep in), so at the very least, there’s not a lot to be super-upset about.

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Tues 23 March ‘21

The Dermot O’Leary podcast ft Niall is out! X Factor host Dermot being “the guy in the suit on the stage next to 1D throughout The X Factor in 2010” (he goes on to say “and I’m immensely proud of the boys in the band and how far they’ve come and the men they’ve become”, awww) they have lots of reminiscing to do! They start at the very beginning with Niall talking about the Irish tryouts being judged by Katy Perry, who told him, “don’t let me down!” “She still reminds me of it. I see her every now and then and she will always says ‘you know, you didn’t let me down’..she’s the one that let me through.” Dermot talks about all of the boys’ auditions (“I remember Louis, cause he was just devastated”) and then they just keep on going chronologically right through it (Dermot makes Niall rate every 1D XF performance lol); “we literally packed up a suitcase in September, moved into the X-Factor house and literally never came back. That was it.”

They go through the move into Princess Park (“we’d heard Girls Aloud had lived there as well, it was like the place where the groups go to live”) and whether they ever got time off (“I had knee surgery, so the boys had four months off then but I was in rehab every day.”) “When you’re in it it feels like 10 years… when you’re in the thick of that, it feels like it’s never going to end,” and the fan madness; “I have to be doing something all the time... I struggled with the idea of ‘why won’t you just let us out? We just wanna go for a walk.’ You can’t get inside the brain of a fan. Now, I completely get it. But at the time, you’re our age, let us out, we just want to walk down the street,” “Liam comes and goes cmon, let’s go, and Louis goes ‘just have a look out that window’ and he opened the curtains and the police had done a headcount and there was 10,000 people on the street.” That leads naturally to “there was no conversation of ‘lets leave it 20 years.’ It was just very much a conversation of ‘right lets not book anything because we’re all knackered.’ We’ve been working flat out since we were 16-17. It’s a bit of both, you can’t have your cake and eat it. I would’ve loved a couple years off but then within a year I brought out music. You miss the buzz. Whether it’s with the lads or not,” and to Niall’s first solo steps; “the first gig I did, when they were calling us to go on, I was like I’ll just wait here til the last minute, cause usually it’s like someone’s in the toilet, someone’s out for a cigarette.. and I get to the stage and there’s just one mic… quite a weird experience.”

So present day and onward? “I agree but coronavirus didn’t [that HBW is better than Flicker]. I personally just kind of felt really deflated over it. I just thought what’s the point of releasing it, you know what I mean? And I nearly pulled the album release. I was doing a week on the Late Late Show with James and Ben. I remember watching on TV Trump coming on and saying ‘I’m closing the border to Europe. You’re either in or out.’ So I flew back to the UK. Just as he was on TV, I said we need to pull the album, but it was minutes away from coming out in Australia. I wanted to cancel it.” Dermot says so what do you do now, do you just abandon it and move on or what, and Niall says, “I started coming up with some good stuff and thought well if I bump into something, I can release it when we can get out into the world a bit more and then it’ll attract people back to my last album,” and “This year has definitely made me... feel like I don’t have to be active all the time. And hopefully with the break, I can come out with my best stuff… I’ve learned more about myself this year than I have in any year of my life. Patience... I have definitely lived the most normal life that I’ve had in 10 years. Working out, cooking, even really mundane things like making my bed… all that kind of stuff that I never had the chance to do before because I was always on the move. For our listener: this is good insight cause it’s like… it’s a really abnormal life.” They also talk about golf and Niall says the most exciting person he’s gotten to meet is Michelle Obama (“she really took that first lady job by the... scruff of the neck” and “the [Obama] girls were fans of One Direction and they would come to our shows in DC, turn up in Escalades, bulletproof cars, and we weren’t even allowed walking down the same corridor.”)

Louis sent love to a fan going in for a third surgery, and we got storytime from a girl who talked about being present for the infamous Haylor pap shoot in Central Park who speculates that hmm, maybe they didn’t really date and it was just PR? They were only together for like 10 minutes and only to get their picture taken, she says, wouldn’t that be kind of weird if you were actually dating someone?! Lol. Yes, it would indeed.

[smoochkooks]

—lost stars, part 2 (m.)

⟶ pairing: jeon jungkook/reader

⟶ genre: smut, angst, bits of fluff, (troubled) idol au, childhood friends to lovers

⟶ word count: 20k

⟶ summary: in dead hours of the night he stumbles upon the bars, reaching, searching, trying to feel something, for once forget about consequences and taste the bittersweet freedom. between sips of addiction and faint touches of nameless lovers he finds you again: his own long-lost star on a blackboard sky.

⟶ warnings: explicit sexual content, soft dom!jk but also bit possessive!jk, sub!reader, oral (f receiving), praise kink, jk calling oc his pretty girl, unprotected sex (stay safe kiddos!), creampie, implicit car sex, mentions of infidelity, smoking, both oc and jk are emotional mess sometimes.

✔ read part one here!

a/n: i’m sorry i keep you waiting for so long but it’s finally here. as i promised, by the end of october. this story has a really special place in my heart, i’ve had it in my drafts for over a year now. i hope you’ll enjoy it!

Twenty-two. No, twenty-three. Or maybe it was actually twenty-two? Jungkook starts counting again.  

Various, different certificates are aligned on the wall in front of him, every single one dedicated to the same man, sitting across the table with crossed arms and stern expression. It’s rather obvious his ego reaches far beyond the printed sheets of paper with his name written in swirly fonts. They are here just to make an impression, to fool people into believing that the pastel blue shirt he’s wearing and expensive watch on his wrist are the outcome of his hard work.  

He opens his mouth to say something, but it doesn’t reach Jungkook’s ears. He starts counting again; this time the number of letters on the first certificate.

“What do you suggest we should do then?”

The man whose achievements in marketing and public relations Jungkook currently attentively analyzes, is Lee Ilsug, or at least that’s what those diplomas indicate. To be honest, Jungkook couldn’t care less about his name or the list of accomplishments that made him be employed here.

He’s new in the company, that’s certain. Jungkook didn’t have to deal with him before but Yoongi had the unpleasantness though, when he needed to deny the rumours going all around the Twitter about his slightly too close friendship with a female singer he had collaborated with.  

Quoting Yoongi, Ilsung was pain in the ass. 

“The photo is blurry. It’s debatable whether it’s Jungkook-ssi or not.” Another voice, this time female, cuts in. Jungkook remembers her face fleetingly from some PR meeting he had attended before. It looks like she’s now Ilsung’s assistant. “I checked SNS. Fans are on Jungkook’s side, they don’t believe what that girl had written, which is a good situation for us to interfere and release a statement.”

“What do you think, Jungkook?”

It’s Sejin. He was the one who contacted Jungkook about the ruckus in the company that has been going on since morning. The case is simple: on the day he did his walk of shame out of your apartment, he stopped to light up a cigarette that happened to be another one of his cardinal mistakes he’s made in span of 24 hours. What started with getting the temptation and alcohol got better of him and sleeping with you, ended with someone taking a picture of him while smoking.

It’s truly a miracle the photo’s quality is moderately vague. His mom always tells him he was born under the lucky star but for Jungkook it’s more like fate was playing hide and seek with him. This time, he managed to blend into the shadows in time.

Ilsung clicks his tongue. It’s not a secret he hates his job yet cherishes the money he earns. He pushes his thick-rimmed glasses up his nose and leans over the table. He’s close enough for Jungkook to notice the fresh cut from shaving on his cheek and a small, golden cross hanging on his neck. 

He raises his brow, eyes trained on Jungkook. Cold, emotionless. Clearly, his ambitions don’t end on dealing with some idol’s reckless shenanigans. “Well? What’s on your mind, Jungkook-ssi? We are ready to release the statement denying rumours about the incident in an hour.”

Jungkook bites the inside of his cheek. “But that will be a lie then. I did smoke, it’s me on that picture.”

Next to him, he hears Sejin clearing his throat uncomfortably. “Jungkook, I know it’s unfair but we can’t let it affect yours or boys’ reputations right now. We are a month before the comeback.” he says and no matter how much he tries to make it sound neutral, pulling the ‘what about the rest of the members?’ card is usually the last straw to bend Jungkook.

Jungkook releases a long sigh at that. He feels unworthy. He let down his brothers again, made them worry about him countless times before and that’s what he offeres in return: disappointment. He cannot risk his bandmates’ good name because of his incautious behavior. They sacrificed too much to be where they are now to lose it over a silly scandal.  

“Do what’s best for the team.” he decides after a while.

Once he’s out of the office, his thoughts drift instinctively to you. Do you already know about the mess he created? Do you even search through social media, looking for the updates about him? No, you wouldn’t go there, he tells himself. He’s almost sure. He hopes those revelations won’t ever reach you.

Sejin breaks his chain of thoughts, stepping into the elevator after him. “What were you even doing in that part of the city so early?” he asks, staring at Jungkook’s reflection in the mirror.

“Does it really matter?”

Sejin’s features soften a little. He’s been with them practically since the beginning. Seen their best and worst, always by their side even when the whole world seemed to be against them. Piggybacking Jungkook out of the practice room because he complained about his feet being sore, joking behind the stage about trivial things when no cameras where around. They trusted him. And he’s never stopped believing in them.

“I told you that million times before. You are allowed to lead your life the way you want, Jungkook. I know how you feel, but as a public figure you have to be extremely careful, first and foremost. People don’t forget, nothing ever disappears from the Internet,” he says, or rather repeats the same mantra he’s been telling them since they broke into the mainstream and started being overly recognizable. “I am here to protect you but I won’t be able to do that if you don’t take care of yourself first.”

He places a strong hold on Jungkook’s shoulder and squeezes reassuringly. Jungkook releases a sigh and the door slides open behind them. “Thank you, hyung.”

“Always, Jungkook-ah. I’m feeling like a father of rebel teenager now.” Sejin laughs lightly to clear the heavy atmosphere, making Jungkook snort.  

“Hey, I’m twenty-two!”

Sejin ruffles Jungkook’s hair, ignoring younger’s grumbling protests. The walk into the spacious parking lot of the company and Jungkook suddenly stops in his tracks.  

“Does Bang already know about this?“ he asks matter-of-factly, although he’s sure what the answer will be. The confirmation he needs comes with a nod from Sejin. “Is he pissed?” he adds then.

Sejin raises his brows, looking down at him. “His golden boy let him down, what do you think? He might not be mad but he’s sure as hell disappointed.” He gestures to his car and Jungkook follows him without a word, imagining his boss’ sour expression next time he sees him. In Bang’s self-made ranking he’s sitting at last place right now probably.  

“Want to grab a proper breakfast with me? I’ve been called into the company while I was in bed. I didn’t even have time to finish my coffee.” Sejin offers, pulling Jungkook out of his thoughts.

“Okay.” Jungkook says, hopping in Sejin’s car. “You’re buying?” he asks, mustering a snickering smile even though he’s definitely not in the mood for joking.

Sejin rolls his eyes, fastening his seatbelt. “Don’t you think you own it to me for saving your ass once again?”

“But I’m your rebel teenager kid, remember?” Jungkook pouts. When he sees Sejin hesitating, he opts for another strategy. The one that never fails. “Rock-paper-scissors?”

“Deal.” 

Tonight, Jungkook pulls up in front of the club you’re working in with his car. It’s Friday night and he recalls you saying you work here every two weeks. He counted the days three times. There’s no way he made a mistake. He’s sober. And he has no intentions of getting drunk.  

You’re surprised when you see him. You haven’t spoken a word for a whole week since he walked out of your apartment. He seems happier when he approaches you, flashing a bunny-toothed smile like nothing ever happened. Maybe he’s good at pretending. That’s exactly what you told him to do - act like the night he stripped you bare and fucked you silly was merely a mirage.

In a way, you’re relieved he makes everything seem ordinary, even though it’s anything but normal.

He waits for you to finish your shift. Tells you he drove here with his car and your eyes involuntarily widen. When you’re standing in front of his black Mercedes Benz, you can’t help but gawk.  

“I don’t even want to know how much money this cost.” You take in the all-polished, black glory of his car, muttering “Holy shit” under your breath.

Jungkook chuckles to himself, gesturing for you to get in. You do it without a word, making yourself comfortable on the leather seat. If he manages not to make things awkward, you can do it to, acting as though he isn’t a well-known persona in your country with an addiction for unhealthy lifestyle.

He starts the engine and drives in the direction of your neighborhood, humming to himself the tune playing in radio. It’s awfully domestic, the way he navigates through the streets like he knows them like the back of his hand although you’re aware he’s glancing at his phone once in a while to check the directions. You catch yourself watching him from the corner of your eye with curiosity, biting your lip to suppress the urge to ask him million questions at a minute. Instead, you let him do whatever he has in mind. You can’t ruin this, you remind yourself.

Later that night, you’re sitting in his car in the darkness, parked on the rundown parking lot where no one’s standing expect for you. The only source of light is coming from the single street lamp nearby, illuminating delicately Jungkook’s features in dim, yellowish lighting.  

He doesn’t say much. He fumbles with the hem of his jacket almost absentmindedly and you know him well enough to sense there’s something plugging his thoughts. You call his name and he turns his head to the side. It’s too dark for you to spot the tiredness on his beautiful face, too dark to read from his eyes and find all the needed answers in them.

“Is everything alright?” you ask and it sounds awfully loud in a small space of his car. Despite the silent promise you made to yourself about keeping things between you civil, you can’t help but interfere.

Jungkook then whirls on his seat so he can face you fully, flashing you a smile meant to throw all your former worries away. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just wanted to sit with you for a while like that, if you don’t mind.”  

If anything, it doesn’t cure your concerns but you shove it to the back of your head for now. Nodding at his words, you fall into the distressing silence. The street lamp nearby goes out and if it wasn’t for the digital dashboard in Jungkook’s car, you would have been surrounded by darkness completely.  

Jungkook chuckles under his breath and you follow suit. The sudden change in the atmosphere should be taken as a sign to abandon this damned parking lot and go somewhere else, but he looks like he has other plans in mind. Hearing the soft whisper of your name, you start feeling like it all was meant to happen. Him appearing in front of the club, the lights going out and enabling you to read the true emotions from your faces – it’s all like fate is again playing tricks with you.  

You don’t know who moves first, crossing the invisible oceans between you and reaching homeland, but the next thing you feel is his lips on yours.

He tastes like the non-alcoholic beverage he drunk earlier, mixed with faint bitterness of his beloved cigarettes and something akin to mint, yet you’re drowning in it, in him, in the warmth of his breath on your wet lips.

You feel the world spiraling in front of your eyes, despite your soberity. You’re moving automatically; leaning into his touch and accepting the kiss with raw passion, welcoming his tongue in your mouth willingly. It should be alarming how good it feels to have him like this, in your arms, teeth scrapping your neck until you’re writhing in your seat. Breathless, he takes the hint, maneuvering your body until you’re straddling his lap.  

It feels dangerously familiar. You know what’s going to happen next, when he unzips your jacket and places his hands underneath your sweater, relishing in the way you shiver at the coldness of his touch. When he sinks his teeth in your neck and withdraws seconds before leaving a blossoming mark. Yet you make no vow to stop him.  

From this exact moment, it’s just a blur of hushed whispers, broken moans and quick caresses that leave you yearning for more. Jungkook acts like he knows your body inside and out, thrusting his fingers knuckle-deep into your heat until you’re keening and begging him for more. And he gives it to you with earnest, coaxing you into an orgasm with one last, final flick of his thumb on your sensitive bud.

Jungkook groans when you palm his bulge through the material of his pants, but he’s too desperate to feel your wetness around him to let you tease him any longer. When you sink down onto him, all of your rational thoughts fly away with the breathy moan you let out in unison with his choked gasp.

It’s fast and ragged, chasing the high that it’s both forbidden yet so craved. And it hurts, when tears well in your eyes, when you’re at the brick of pleasure and you know there’s no way in the world you’re going to experience a desire so raw and overwhelming with anyone, ever again. It hurts when Jungkook picks up the pace and fucks into you with ferocity and anger, because the world is unfair and he’s a slave in the system in which freedom means fucking you dirty in his car when it’s dark out.

And he hates it, hates it so much when you unveil in front of him, whimpering his name hoarsely and tightening around his cock deliciously. He swallows every sound you make with his mouth, clenching his teeth because the pleasure is right there, but he needs an extra push to throw himself over the edge. It’s his name on your lips and the whimper of “Inside, please” that finally makes him snap.

Then, there’s only guilt and laboured breaths. In his self-made list of mistakes, you’re aiming for the top.

Grocery shopping has never been your favourite thing to do.

You would never quite enjoy doing it, not due to the constant anxiety of forgetting about buying something even if you make a list of products beforehand, not when you don’t have enough money to buy a little extra than needed (thanks to the dear capitalistic world we live in).  

Right now, you’re standing in the middle of an aisle with cereal, trying to look as much casual as possible so people passing by wouldn’t suspect you to be a wanna-be thief. The cause of your distress sits at the very top shelf and there’s no way in hell you’ll manage to snatch that Reese’s Puffs without knocking everything over.  

Defeated, you raise your hand to take your second option (good, old Corn Flakes), but a familiar voice coming from the right stops you in tracks.

“Need some help?”  

Twirling on your feet, you’re now standing face to face with Kihyun – Minho’s friend from work. Smiling sheepishly, you nod. “I do, actually. Can you pass me these ones, please?”  

You feel stupid asking that but fortunately, Kihyun doesn’t seem to mind your awkwardness. You talked to him briefly a few times before thanks to Minho, who took his friendship with him as far as to go on a double date together.  

“So, how are you?” Kihyun asks, placing the cereal box in your cart.

“I’m good, thanks. I assume you’ve been also doing well,” He raises his eyebrows at that and you clarify, “Minho told me you got promoted lately. Congrats, chief Yoo.”

“Ah, yeah, thank you,” There’s a tiny bit of pink covering the apples of his cheeks when he waves his hand dismissively at your comment. “But it’s not that big of a deal.”

“I’m sure working in a homicide department is a big deal,” you say. “And I heard it requires some extra shooting training as well.” you add, alluding to what Minho has told you the day you read the message on his phone from someone named Soyeon.

To your surprise, Kihyun furrows his brows in a manner that could only mean he’s confused. “I don’t know what you mean by that.”  

Hiding your astonishment with a light laugh, you explain, “Don’t you go to the shooting range with Minho after work? He told me so a while ago.”  

Something akin to realization crosses Kihyun’s face. He shakes his head. “Yeah, we went there together once or twice but recently he’s training there our new recruit, Soyeon.”  

His words punch you right in the guts. Minho lied to you. He wouldn’t come up with that shitty excuse if he didn’t have something dirtier to hide, right? Maybe you’re exaggerating, but he certainly hasn’t been truly honest with you for a while now. It must be a reason behind his strange behavior.

“Are you okay?”  

For a moment you’ve forgotten you’re in the middle of the grocery store with your boyfriend’s friend. Shaking yourself off your unpleasant thoughts, you send Kihyun an apologetic smile.  

“I’m sorry. I just remembered I need to go to the pharmacist’s and they’re closing soon so I gotta hurry now.” you lie. He doesn’t look like he entirely bought your story but nevertheless, he bids you goodbye.  

You leave the store with half-empty shopping bag, raging headache and a torn heart.

They say silence can speak more than any exchanged words.  

It hovers in the air, heavy and overwhelming, a tension primed to snap at any moment yet it has never happened before. There’s always quiet, no hushed sentences, half-lies or stuttered confessions leaving quivering lips.  

Sometimes you wonder when will you have enough. When will you be able to resist, to say you’re hurting so bad it aches right in your heart, like there are tons of bricks lying on your chest, suppressing your breathing. And maybe this is the night.  

A few unread messages on your phone, next one popping up and the screen lights up. 

[1:23pm] jungkook:

i need you  

It pains, a dull ache and suddenly there isn’t enough air in the room.   [1:24pm] jungkook:

please  

He never begs. It doesn’t suit him. There is too much pride and power inside him to crawl in front of you, to fall to his knees and plead. Yet, you falter, shaking fingertips typing a quick response. When brain screams fuck you, you don’t deserve me, a sight of him makes all the rational thoughts go to hell.  

He stands in your door, slender body leaning against the frame. You haven’t seen him for a while, a week or maybe two. His skin is pale, sheer and delicate you worry it might break if you trail your fingers over it. There are bangs under his bloodshot eyes and you know he had trouble sleeping again. It hurts seeing him like this, beautiful and broken but you’ve always loved picking up the damaged pieces.

He smiles, a lopsided smirk you know oh so well, a dark amusement because here you are, pliant under his gaze, vulnerable under his every command.  

“Hello, doll.”  

It’s the ‘doll’ that makes you grimace. Nickname he uses only when you’re stripped bare for his liking, bend to his will. It means he’s been drinking. Probably the expensive whiskey you hate the taste of so much when it lingers bitterly on your tongue after each swipe of his mouth against yours. “Will you let me in?” he then asks although he already knows the answer.

It’s cruel of him how he uses your weakness. You hate seeing him like this, hate when he’s thrown apart and you’re the only one who knows how to fix him. That’s why you move away from the door in a silent invitation, biting your lip when you see his slouching posture and unsteady walk.  

It hurts when you help him sit on your bed and he smiles at you lazily, in all his beautiful yet broken glory. You almost don’t recognize him. It’s not your Jungkook. Your Jungkook would never drown his misery in alcohol, he would never sit in your room barely conscious, smelling of cheap bars and cigarettes.  

But you accept your fate the way it is.  

“I need to sober you up a little. I’ll go get you a glass of water, okay?” He hums in response, although you’re worried it might have not reach his ears at all.  

Jungkook looks up when your back, accepting the water and drinking it with eagerness. “You’re too good to me, you know that right?” he slurs a little once he’s done. “I don’t deserve you.” he adds after a moment, cupping your cheek with his unoccupied palm.  

You squeeze your eyes shut because you fear you might break down in front of him if you look him in the eyes. He strokes your skin, murming “I’m so sorry” all over again.  

You stay like that for a few beats of silence, breathing in each other’s presences until you hear Jungkook’s phone buzzing in the pocket of his jacket. Taking it out, you see ‘Jimin-hyung’ written on the screen. “Your friends are worried about you.” you murmur, nudging his side.

“Tell them to go to hell.” You hear him muttering under his breath. Sighing, you decide to exit the room and answer the call.  

“Jungkook? Where the fuck are you?!” Jimin’s angered, thick with Busan dialect voice rings in your ears, making you flinch. “You should’ve at least answer my text once so I would know you’re okay!”  

Mustering the courage, you take a deep breath and say, “Hi, it’s Y/N speaking. Jungkook’s friend.”  

There’s a pause on the other side, until your hear Jimin clearing his throat. “Oh, hi. Is Jungkook maybe with you?” he asks and you smile to yourself involuntarily noticing how his voice has changed once he realised he’s not speaking to his friend.  

“He is. Drunk, but in one piece.” you reply, sparing a glance at aforementioned Jungkook who’s now slumped down on your bed, probably fast asleep.

Jimin sighs with relief. “That’s good then. You know, we got into a little fight today and he suddenly disappeared without a trace, and we are right before the comeback so–”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain anything to me,” you interrupt his rushed rambling. “I’ll take care of him.”  

“Thank you, Y/N-ssi. It means a lot.”  

‘’I’ve been taking care of his ass practically since we were kids, so it’s not a big deal for me,” you chuckle lightly, even though you’re definetely not in the mood for jokes. “Well, maybe not in that way but still.”  

“I know. He told me about you.”  

Your eyes widen. “He did?” you ask, failing to hide the surprised tone of your voice.  

“Yeah, he did. When he first told us he met his childhood friend accidentally in the club he got drunk in, we didn’t believe him at first. But then he slowly started opening up more about you and even showed me some picture of you and him when you were kids.” Jimin says. “You know, Jungkook hasn’t been himself for quite a while. He kept pushing us away but ever since he met you, he’s started smiling again. Please, promise me you’ll never hurt him.”  

You release a shaky breath. “I promise.”  

It’s easy to promise such thing. Because you’re for sure going to end up being hurt first.

It’s your alarm that wakes you up the next morning.

The sight of Jungkook is long gone, the only proof he’s been here in your bed last night is an empty glass on your bedside table and a small note written on the napkin.  

Thank you for everything. I really don’t deserve you.  

Jungkook.

Sheets have gone already cold underneath your fingertips where he laid beside you just hours ago. You didn’t get much sleep the night, watching his beautiful, pale features illuminated by the moonlight slipping through your window. He looked so peaceful with his chapped lips slightly parted and in that moment, you couldn’t think of any reason to hate him and what he’s doing to you.

Later, when you’re finally out of uni, you come home and take a quick shower. It’s Wednesday and Wednesdays are reserved for your small dates with Minho. The guilt you’re feeling while getting dressed and fixing your makeup is eating you from the inside. Staring at yourself in the mirror, you almost don’t recognize the shallow of a girl you’re seeing.  

You are not a bad person, you keep reminding yourself, then why did you sleep with him that night? Let him crawl into your bed again and again after?

Minho waits for you outside in his car. He’s taking you to a new Thai restaurant and you manage to hide the frown on your face, because your dear boyfriend forgot you don’t like this type of food.  

“You look pretty tonight, babe,” he says once you’re inside, waiting for your orders. You smile at him briefly. “It’s really been a while since we went out together, hasn’t it?”  

At that, you nod curtly. It’s true, you haven’t seen each other last week at all. Minho ditched your usual Wednesday date in favor of staying at work for something important. It happened second or third time this month. You feel like you don’t have right to be mad at him. If anything, that’s what you deserve for lying to him behind his back.

The rest of the evening goes smoothly. Your food arrives, you act like you don’t feel nauseous chewing on your pad thai and trying to break out the taste with red wine. Minho babbles about the new Netflix series he’s started watching and you’re pretending to be intrested. Wednesday date at its finest.

Then, when you’re about to pour yourself another glass of wine, Minho stops you with his hand on yours. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something,”  You fight an urge to roll your eyes. He wants to discuss serious matters? What a change. “We’ve been together for eight months. My parents keep asking about you.”  

“Oh,” you blurt out. To hide your anxiety, you force out a breathy laugh. “So, what about them?” you ask, however you already know what the answer is going to be.  

“I thought we could visit them soon in Daegu over some weekend when you don’t have work,” he proposes, squeezing your hand as if to calm your nerves. It’s not doing much to put you at ease. “My mom has already started making plans what food she should make. They’re really excited to meet you.”  

You feign a smile. It should be a natural progression for couples to take things at a time, step by step but you can’t help but feel uneasy. Minho wants his parents to meet you, the girl who lets a certain raven-haired boy play with her heart and mess with her head. In a sick game where both parties are out of reach, you’re terribly losing.

“I’d love to meet your parents.” you say finally, almost breathless.  

“You don’t look very excited.” Minho comments with a smirk and you know he’s joking but the lump in your throat only grows.  

You smile meekly. “I’m just nervous, that’s all. What if they won’t like me?”  

“I’m sure they’re gonna love you. You don’t have anything to worry about.” he dismisses your concerns, reaching for the wine bottle to pour himself a glass. “I’ve got one more thing to tell you. I know it’s a lot for one evening but I’ve been meaning to talk to you about it for weeks now so since we have this opportunity now, I’m gonna use it.”  

Color drains from your face. What else is there to converse about all of a sudden? Biting the inside of your cheek, you give him a sign to continue.

“I’ll go straight to the point. I want you to move in with me,” The bomb explodes and you nearly drop your wine glass to the floor. “I know it might be a lot for your but I really, really want to see you every day in my bed. My apartment is big enough for both of us but once I get the promotion my boss talked to me about last week, we can look for something fancier.”  

You stare at him blankly. First his parents, now this? Minho from the beginning of your relationship was the one who liked to take things slowly. He didn’t kiss you until your third date, he waited unnecessary amount of time to have sex even though you told him over and over again you were more than ready to do it with him.

The sudden rush feels weird. As if sensing your discomfort, Minho clears his throat and asks, “Don’t you want to move in with me?”  

You notice the subtle change in his voice, the way he’s not as enthusiastic as he was a minute ago but you shove it to the back of your head. “I’m surprised,” you respond neutraly. “And of course I don’t mind living with you. I just thought you wanted to take things slow.”  

Minho clicks his tongue. “This has nothing to do with that. I’m not asking you to marry me, Y/N,” he chuckles but you don’t mirror the sentiment. “I think it would be more comfortable for you to live with me than your current cubby-hole.”  

He’s already irritated by your reaction and you know it’s better not to poke the bear but those three glasses of wine down your throat give you enough courage to disagree. “Your place is further from my university and work. Not to mention I have a five minutes long walk to the underground now and it would take longer for me to get there in your area.” you point out.

“You can get a driving license then finally.”  

You frown. “What do you mean ‘finally’? You know damn well I can’t afford it now with the job I have and student loan. We talked about it before.”  

Minho is aware that with your current financial situation you’re barely making ends meet and you can’t let yourself have another, bigger expenses. But you’re fine on your own, you don’t mind living where you do because that’s the result of your independence. You showed your parents you are able to study and work without their extra help. You’re proud of yourself for that.

“Now you’re literally making excuses. Just say you don’t want to move in.”  

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” you try to reason. “I’m not ready for such a big step yet. I need more time to think about it.”  

Minho snorts, rolling his eyes. “What else is there to think about? Either you say yes or no!” His raised tone catches attention from the family sitting nearby and they send curious glances in your direction.

“Stop being so loud, please. We are in a restaurant for God’s sake.” you whisper-shout.  

“Do I look like I give a fuck?” he snorts, obnoxious and annoyingly snarky.

You stay quiet for a moment, debating whether you should give up entirely and hang a white flag or wait for the atmosphere to clear on its own. But you’re so, so tired. Tired of being lied to. Tired of always having to choose your words carefully and bending to his will.  

“You know, I met Kihyun the other day at grocery store,” Minho doesn’t seem much interested in your inquiry, still deeply frustrated with your tantrum. He simply hums, unfazed. “I congratulated him on his promotion. He for sure needs to visist shooting range more now, doesn’t he?”  

Minho arches his brow. “Yeah, I told you he goes there with me and that new recruit.”  

It’s ironic, how easily he can lie to you straight in the eye. But you’re strong enough now to fight back.  “That’s interesting actually, because Kihyun said something totally different.” you say languidly, watching your boyfriend narrowing his eyes.

“And what is that?”  

“He said you’re going there only with your new recruit, Soyeon. The one sending you messages on your private phone.”  

Minho gapes at you for a few short seconds and then, bursts into laughter. “What are you trying to insinuate here, honey?” he asks.  

The petname sounds mocking this time. Ignoring his lighthearted approach to the situation, you dodge a bullet. “I’m not insinuating anything yet. I just pointed out that you lied to me.”  

“Lied? That’s bullishit. I would never lie to you.”  

“But you did, Minho. The day I asked you who Soyeon was after reading the message on your phone. You said you’re visiting shooting range with her and Kihyun after work sometimes. Turns out it’s just you and her after all. Isn’t that a lie?” you press.  

Minho doesn’t like being backed into the corner. When you confronted him first, he thought he had everything under control. Now, he’s losing it and he isn’t used to being that helpless.

“So what? Maybe I told you that so you wouldn’t freak out and think I’m cheating on you. Because that’s all it is about, right? You think I’m fucking someone behind your back.” he snaps, making you wince.  

“I didn’t say that.” you counter but there’s no use for that. You stepped into the lion’s den.  

He aprubtly stands up from his chair and the cutlery on your table clutters. “You know what? I’m done. I’m not in the mood for your bullshit anymore.” He withdraws his wallet from the pocket of his jacket and throws a few bills onto the table.  

A bitter chuckle escapes your lips. “Your’e leaving? Just like that?”  

“Yeah. Are you going with me or not?”  

You shrug your shoulders. “I guess someone has to finish this bottle. It would be a shame to waste such expensive wine.” you say, mustering a sarcastic smile.

Minho doesn’t utter anything more to you. He nods and exits the restaurant, leaving you sitting by the table alone. Despite the stares, hushed whispers and an urge to run away and hide from the audience, you stay a little longer and drink up that damned bottle of wine until there’s no droplets left inside.  

Once you’re outside, you inhale greedily the fresh air. Your head spins a little and you’re debating whether to take an Uber home or just walk thirty minutes on your own to sober up a little. You choose the latter.  

You don’t know what makes you dial his number. You’ve never done that before. He was the one calling you in the middle of the name and begging without words to tend his wounds. Tables have turned, and here you are.  

You call once, twice. After the fifth attempt you give up, showing your phone into the pocket of your coat. As the first tear rolls down your cheek, you realise he would never be there to pick up your pieces.

Three missed calls from: Jungkook

[11:11pm] jungkook:

I’m so sorry y/n. I couldn’t pick up the phone cause we had late practice  

Please call me back. I’m worried

Two missed calls from: Jungkook

[11:36pm] jungkook:  

At least text me if you’re okay

Please  

[11:39pm] me:

I’m fine

[11:39pm] jungkook:  

Thank God

You sure you don’t wanna talk?

[11:41pm] me:

Maybe next time

[11:41pm] jungkook:

Okay  

Night, miss grumpy  

You’re sitting in your favourite cafeteria, typing furiously on your laptop the last paragraph in your assignment. Your philosophy proffesor has been a bitch lately, telling you to write essays about the most uninteresting stuff she could possibly think of. And here you are, writing about Hegel’s triads, reminding yourself the semester soon will be over and so will be your mandatory philosophy classes.

Taking a moment to sip on a caramel macchiato you ordered, you notice a message popping up on your lockscreen.  

[10:45am] jungkook:  

Do you have time now?  

I need to tell you sth  

It’s been two days since your date with Minho. You’re still mentally flogging yourself for calling Jungkook that night repulsively because of your tipsiness. In that exact moment, he was the only person on your mind you could talk to. Once the fresh air cooled down your emotions, you realised how stupid your idea was. 

With slight resistance (and raced heartbeat), you type a response. 

[10:46am] me:  

I guess  

[10:46am] jungkook:  

Great. I’m gonna call you now

Eyes widening, you stare at your phone. What is so important that he cannot just text you instead? Not even a minute later, you hear buzzing. Exhaling shakily, you answer it.  

“Hi, Miss Grumpy,” Jungkook says and you could tell by the tone of his voice he’s in a good mood. He sounds like the old Jungkook you know well. It’s a pleasant surprise. “What’s up?”  

“You called me to ask how am I doing?”  

Jungkook chuckles and something inside you flutters hearing that. “And what if I did?”  

Rolling your eyes, you respond, “Let’s just say it’s unusual of you. Shouldn’t you be at some dance practice right now?” you ask.

“We just ended a company meeting. And this is exactly the reason why I’m calling you.”  

“Should I be scared?”  

”Not at all. I’m gonna move straight to the point,” he says and your pulse involuntarily quickens. “Are you free next weekend?”  

You bite your lip. There’s a part of you that wants so bad to counter with “What? Do you need a booty call?” but you don’t let your facade break that easily. Instead, you tell the truth. “Yeah, I am.”  

“Would you like to go with me to Busan then?”  

You nearly spill the coffee onto your laptop. “Oh.” You can’t quite hide the surprise in your voice. You would never expect him to propose you such thing, yet here you are.

It’s been a while since you were home. Not like you don’t want to see your parents, it’s actually the opposite. The reason you haven’t been in Busan for months is simple: you don’t have extra cash on the side to afford a two-way train ticket.  

Sensing your bewilderment, Jungkook takes your silence as a sign to explain further his sudden proposition. “Our company gave us few days off to relax before final comeback preparations so I decided I could go home,” It’s what he says and unsure of what to answer with, you only hum in response. “You told me some time ago you haven’t seen your parents since Christmas so I thought you might accompany me.”  

Something squeezes in your chest hearing that. You fail to hide the smile creeping on your features and despite the many obstacles that should be a warning sign for you to say no, you find yourself reminiscing in the idea of spending a weekend at home with Jungkook. Just like old times.  

“Okay. I agree.”  

Upon hearing your response, Jungkook breathes out a sigh of relief to the phone. “I thought you would ditch me.”  

“Excuse me? Who do you think I am? I wouldn’t miss an opportunity to eat my mum’s bulgogi.”  

You can’t ignore how you’re feeling, cheeks flushed and a silly smile stretching on your lips. But there’s still that bugging thought present at the back of your head, reminding you of your illicit affair and every mistake you’ve made so far. Maybe agreeing to a small trip down childhood memory lane is one of them.  

Right now, sitting in a cafeteria and talking on the phone with Jungkook about the details and your mum’s cooking skills, you pretend like you’ve turned back the time and everything else is a mere drawback to deal with later.

“I can’t believe I agreed to do that.”  

That, is a blatant lie. You know damn well why you’re standing on the pavement in front of the building you live in as Jungkook pulls up with his high-priced, straight-from-the-salon black Mercedes. Something ignites in your lower stomach at the mere memory of what you’ve done there inside last time.

When he exits the car, you disregard as best as you can the aloof feeling in your chest, seeing him adjusting his bucket hat further down. This is the life he’s living, you remind yourself. If he wants to minimize the risk of people with preying eyes recognizing him.

Dressed in all black, he comes up to you and lifts his head up. That’s when you see him fully for the first time since he stumbled through your drunk and barely conscious. He smiles widely approaching you, not an ounce of uncertainty in his movements when he wraps his arms around you in a bear hug.  

“What’s that for?” you mumble.

“Just missed you.”  

He smells like the flowery fabric softener you know he likes. It almost lulls you into paying no mind to the thumping of your heart against your ribcage and redness blossoming on your cheeks.  

It almost makes you forget he’s not yours, and you will never be his.  

You’re the first one to withdraw, stepping away. “You’re such a sap.” It’s the first thing that comes to your mind to say after such intimate moment  – twist it into something without depth and meaning you’re so afraid of facing.

He shrugs, still smiling. “I’m just happy we’re going to spend some time together with our families.”  

You know he is. Jungkook has always been a family person. Moving out at a ripe age of fourteen paradoxically strengthened the bond he has with his parents and brother.  

He picks up your bag from the ground and throws it into the trunk next to his. Getting into the car, you mutter, “You know, I tweet ‘eat the rich’ every two days but you are safe from my hatred for high class as long as you drive my ass with this expensive car to Busan.”

Jungkook chuckles, starting the engine. “Thanks for your kindness, love. Good to know I’m pardoned.”  

“Jokes aside, I mean it though. I might want Jeff Bezos to rot in hell but at the same time I think you deserve that money because I know you worked hard to achieve it.” you say, buckling your seatbelt.  

He spares you a quick glance and arches his eyebrow. “I didn’t know you are actually a fellow comrade Y/N, Miss Grumpy.”  

“Oh, boy. Follow me on my private account. You’ll see then how radical I can get.”  

You earn another laugh from him and you find yourself getting more and more comfortable in the situation, sitting in his car and venturing onto a weekend trip to your hometown. The perspective of spending a couple of hours with Jungkook in the same car doesn’t seem to bother you as much as it did the whole week before.

Tapping the unknown rhythm on your thighs, you reach to press what you think might be the radio button. Your aren’t good with modern technology, so you smile triumphantly to yourself, hearing the first tunes blasting from the speakers. 

The slow pop-ballad ends and radio host announces next song as ‘fan favorite’. You look out of the window for a short while just to be brought back to the reality by the sound playing in the background. You know this song more than well.

“No. We are not listening to this.” Jungkook reaches to change the radio station with a speed of light, but you swat his hand away.  

“Jesus christ, stop being so dramatic. I love Blood Sweat and Tears! It’s a masterpiece.” you protest.

“I thought you don’t listen to our songs.”

You gasp, placing a hand on your chest. “Excuse me? I’ve been to your concert twice, dumbass. And I’m saving up money for another.”  

That, is true. You like listening to BTS not because of Jungkook (though he might one of the reasons you fancy them) but it’s their music and message in general. Now, since they’re over their badboy phases and objectifying women in every ‘love song’, you’re fond of them even more.

You start humming Namjoon’s part when Jungkook cuts in. “Okay, then. Who’s your bias?” he asks.  

You don’t miss the way he seems to grip the steering wheel tighter. Of course he would be that petty to ask you this. To entertain yourself a little, you quip, “Take a wild guess.”  

“It has to be Jimin-hyung.” he says right away.

You shake your head. “Boo. Try again.”  

“Namjoon-hyung. You bit your lip when he started rapping his part.”  

“That’s bullshit. Namjoon’s hot but not my type. And you should keep your eyes on the road, buddy.” Placing your fingers on his chin, you turn his head away.

Jungkook sighs. “Who is it then?”  

“Taehyung.”  

Hearing your response, he snorts. “I should’ve known that.”

“And why is that?” you ask, trying to hide your amusement.

“Because he’s the most good looking from us all. He dresses stylishly,” You could tell by the tongue in his cheek you’re irking him right now. Adding to the irony, Taehyung’s part in the song comes blasting from the speakers. “He has a nice, deep voice.” Jungkook adds and before he can name another positive trait of his friend, you chime in.  

“Is somebody jealous?”  

Though you’re clearly making fun of him, he decides to chuckle like he doesn’t give a fuck anyway. “Jealous? Of Tae? Please. I have no reason to be.”  

Smirking to yourself, you find his demeanor too entertaining. “That’s good then. Because I think you’re handsome too. And I love your voice when you sing.” you say, turning your head to the side to observe his reaction.  

No matter how much he tries to hide it, clenching his jaw and giving you an eye roll, there’s no use for that. The blush covering his cheeks gives him anyway. His agony ends with one last beat of the song.  

Hiding a yawn behind your palm, you lean back onto your seat. Last night you didn’t get as much as you’d like to and your four hours long drive to Busan seems like a great opportunity for a compensatory nap.  

Drifting off to sleep, the last thing you remember is Jungkook’s hands on the steering wheel and his soft voice humming the song playing in the radio.

“Hey, sleeping beauty, wake up. We’re almost there.”  

Slowly opening your eyes, you’re met with familiar-looking streets of your hometown, Busan. You jerk abruptly, straightening your posture. “Why didn’t you wake me sooner?” you ask, looking to your left at Jungkook.  

He shrugs in response. “You looked like you didn’t want to be waken. And trust me, I know what it feels like to be brought back to reality from a good nap too early.”  

You don’t dwell on that more. Instead, you look out of the window, greedily drinking in the city. You’re now driving through downtown, passing by shining skyscrapers. Both yours and Jungkook’s houses are situated in a more peaceful area of Busan, closer to the sea. That’s why you spent most of your childhood and teenage days there as long as the weather was merciful.  

Spring has always been your favourite time of the year but spring in Busan hits different. You don’t have an occasion to sit by the sea and watch the sky burning in orange and red in Seoul. Here, where you used to grow up, spring is the cherry tree blossoming, your mum planting vegetable seeds in her small garden behind your house, you and Jungkook smoking cigarettes underneath the pier while the sun hides  behind the horizon.

“Did you tell your parents you’re coming?” Jungkook’s voice pulls you from your thoughts.  

“No, I didn’t. I want it to be a surprise for them.”  

“Oh, that’s cute.” he comments curtly and turns right. You’re approximately thirty minutes until you reach your destination. “I need to talk with you about one more thing before we get there.”  

You focus your sight on him, however he seems to avoid your eyes. You give him a sign to continue. “Go on.”

Jungkook rubs his forehead with his hand and then sighs. It’s a nervous habit of his, you recognize. “I just want to apologize for causing you so much trouble. Not only last time but in general,” He stops at the red light and cocks his head to the side to look at you. “I acted like a complete dick and you don’t deserve to be treated like that. I’m sorry for everything. I thought this small trip here would be some sort of redemption for me, I don’t know.” The lights turns to orange, then to green and he focuses his eyes on the road again.

Reaching over the gearshift, you place a hand on his thigh to get his attention. When he peeks at you with the same, round, sparkly eyes you’ve grown to adore, all you can do is smile softly. “I’m okay, Kook. If that’s what you need, I don’t mind helping you. If only it means you’ll be okay too.”  

Perhaps he notices the sadness in your eyes when you say it. Perhaps he can tell your smile is not the happiest he’s ever seen. If he does, he chooses to stay silent. Instead, he nods. Taking his action as a sight to withdraw, you straighten on your seat.  

“There’s one more anything, actually,” Jungkook adds after a while.  

“What is it?”  

“You’re invited to a party.”  

“What party?” you ask, brows furrowed.

‘’We are celebrating Junghyun’s engagement.” he says casually.

Eyes widening, you let out a shocked gasp. “What?! Your brother got engaged?” 

Jungkook sends you a look. “Jealous, buttercup?”  

You roll your eyes. “I told you I had a crush on your brother when I was ten. It’s been twelve years since then. Twelve!” you exclaim, but he only smirks in response.  

The reason you liked Junghyun as a kid was simple: he was your best friend’s older brother. He was just there yet unreachable at the same time.  

(And he didn’t have as many pimples as Jungkook.)

But Junghyun getting married? That is a news to you. You clearly remember him telling you one day he would never form a serious relationship before he reaches thirty. Looks like he made up his mind.

“I’m just pleasantly surprised he decided to settle down. Junghyun has always been more of a free soul when it comes to dating. I even remember your mum throwing him a tantrum during barbecue because of this.” you say.

“Honestly, I’m not that shocked. You should’ve seen him looking at Hyerin during our Christmas dinner. This boy is whipped.” Jungkook chuckles.  

“Your parents must be happy.” you comment absentmindedly.

He nods, the corners of his mouth stretching in a small smile. “Yeah, they are. They really like Hyerin. And considering they won’t be getting grandchildren anytime soon thanks to my line of work–” he trails off, “–they are even happier that hyung is settling down.”  

The air seems heavy now inside Jungkook’s car. He said an obvious thing you were aware of but something aches in your chest at the thought.

You will never understand why there’s so much stigmatization surrounding idols dating other people. Wanting to be loved by someone is a natural, human need. Prohibition won’t magically stop them from catching feelings.  

But there’s also another side of the story – the one Jungkook referred to. In his line of work even if there are no obstacles, it’s hard to maintain a long-lasting relationship. And he knows that.  

You still remember vividly his first girlfriend. Her name was Eunbi and she was one of their manager’s daughter. Her dad used to take her to the MV sets, introduced her to the boys because she was a fan of them. And that’s how she met Jungkook.  

Jungkook, age seventeen, was too shy to hold a proper conversation and keep eye contact with a girl at the same time but somehow, him and Eunbi got along pretty quickly. They shared a sympathy for the same video games and for Jungkook back then it was enough to fall head over heels for her. She was his first kiss as he told you (”First real one, because I don’t count that peck Jisoo gave me in fifth grade as a kiss.”)  

After that moment you decided you’d never like Eunbi. Not because you were furiously in love with him, no.

You just didn’t want to see him form such a close bond with anyone else but you.

Their fairytale love story ended when Eunbi’s father found out about their secret randez-vous. Jungkook sulked for a week and then eventually got over Eunbi.  

(And he was again texting you about that video game you had no interest in but you pretended to be a good substitute for Eunbi and her nerdiness you lacked.)

“What are you thinking about?”  

You’re standing on the red light again. Glancing at Jungkook, you find him staring right back at you. “I’m wondering whether I’m invited to the wedding.” you lie.

“Of course you are. I’m sure hyung is going to do it officially tomorrow,” he answers with a grin. “I think Taehyung is coming too. He loves weddings.”  

Narrowing your eyes, you reply with a saccharine sweet voice, “It’s about time you introduce me to your bandmates. Especially Taehyung-oppa.”

“Oppa?”

You bite your lip. There’s no doubt you did that on purpose. You find it rather amusing to see Jungkook so worked up over such a silly thing. You wonder how far you can go before he finally snaps.  

Smirking to yourself, shrug your shoulders. “The light’s green. Watch the road, Kookie.”  

Jungkook huffs, shaking his head. It’s approximately fifteen minutes until you reach your destination. “I’m sure you will be delighted to meet him.” he says with enough amount of sarcasm for you to know he’s irritated.

“Oh, I will be over the moon.”  

“Good.”  

“Amazing, even.”

You hope he doesn’t notice you failing to maintain a serious expression.

You moved with your parents to your new house in Busan at the age of eight, two ponytails, overalls and sparkly sneakers every kid wanted to have adoring your small frame, a look of pure concern worrying your childish, chubby features. 

It was a quiet neighborhood, on the suburbs of the town, a row of similarly looking terraced buildings and small gardens in front of them, every single one akin to the other. There was nothing distinctive about the area, it screamed dullness and tedium but for years you have grown to call this place home.

You know every corner here inside out. A local grocery store owned by a lovable, elder woman known as Miss Kim, who always has spare candies underneath the counter for children who come to buy something for their parents. Next to the store, there is a florist’s. Your first, high school part-time job. The intense smell of roses makes you nauseous to these days.

There is also your primary school, huge backyard behind it with a run-down playground. You never minded it though, spending there probably too much time for your parents liking. Many memories were made there. First, innocent childish peck placed on your cheek from a 6th grader named Jinyoung. Twisted ankle, tears, pain and regret because you decided to jump off the highest step of the climbing frame one Friday afternoon after classes. A punch to the face of school’s bully Dongin, who called your new pair of Converse trainers ugly.

It was exactly fourteen days before the end of August when you met Jungkook.

You had been living in the new house for almost a month but still felt too insecure to explore the neighborhood. Most of your time you were spending inside, missing your old friends and reading books to distract your attention from the approaching start of the second semester in school.  

It was probably one of the last scorching-hot days of the year and you were sitting in your garden alone, family’s cat named Leo purring on your lap, when all of a sudden a ball bounced on the grass right in front of you, landing perfectly at your feet and almost scarring Leo to death.  

And then, you looked up and saw him.

A pair of big, black doe-like eyes hidden behind a fringe of onyx hair staring at you through the fence curiously. The boy was not much older than you, probably around your age. He was wearing a striped football t-shirt with some popular team name.  

You fidgeted slightly on the pavement where you were sitting, glancing at the boy shyly like you didn’t know why he was looking at you so intensely. You noticed a small scar on his left cheek, his knees were bruised, splashed with dirt just like his sneakers.  

“Can you give me my ball?” he asked suddenly, startling you.  

Your eyes widened. Of course he would talk to you, you scolded yourself, he wants his ball back.

When you didn’t answer immediately, he continued, “I kicked my ball here by an accident. Can you give it to me?” He pointed at the object lying at your feet.  

You nodded and picked up the ball from the ground. You threw it over the fence, so it landed directly on the other side.

“Thanks.” the black-haired boy said. “I’m Jungkook, by the way. What’s your name?”  

“___.” you responded and the boy, Jungkook, grinned at you friendly, showing his bunny-like smile. He looked cute.  

“Bye, ___! See you tomorrow!” he beamed and headed back to his house.

Tomorrow. He wanted to meet up with you and what? Play football? You were petrified, as the eight-years-old girl should be after hearing such thing from a boy.

And just like he promised, Jungkook visited you the next day. He took you to that playground behind your new primary school. You came home with bruised legs and splotches of dirt on your skirt, to your mother’s dismay.

You also came home with a content grin plastered on your face and a new friend.

Unexpectedly, Jungkook appeared to be a pleasant company and you found yourself enjoying his boyish bickering while fulfilling the rest of the summer break doing things your old friends would consider inappropriate for a girl.

You never thought you could be friends with someone like Jungkook. He was a boy, for God’s sake, and your eight-years-old-barbie-phase-self absolutely despised boys. But months passed quickly and you both found yourselves stuck to each other sides. Something in your relationship simply clicked.

The neighborhood you grew up in isn’t a suburban area but it definitely seems more peaceful than busy streets of downtown. You pass by local church, miss Kim’s store and the big, luxurious house owned my Gwon family you dreamt of living in when you were a kid.  

And then, approximately two hundred meters further, there is your house.  

“Here we are.” Jungkook says, pulling up at his parent’s driveway. They left the gate open, anticipating their son’s arrival.  

Jungkook hands you your belongings, offering you sheepish smile. “I thought that once you unpack and eat dinner, we could go to the beach together,” he says, scratching the back of his head. “Of course, only if you want to.”  

You don’t give his proposition a second thought. “I’d love to.”  

He grins in response and you take it as a sign to leave and finally meet your parents. From the distance you see your mother in the garden, dressed in her usual clothing – black and red checked shirt and cropped denim pants she wears while gardening.

She doesn’t notice you yet, too busy pulling weeds from her precious tulips. You know her better not to creep behind her like that, so you take a deep breath and shout, “Eomma! It’s me!”  

She stands up and twirls around to face you. Her eyes visibly widen, like she actually thought her mind is playing tricks on her and she might have misheard you.  

“Good Lord, Y/N, sweetie, is that really you?” She throws away her gloves and jogs up to you, enveloping you immadietly in a bear hug. “I missed you so much. Why didn’t you say anything you’re coming?”  

“I wanted it to be a surprise,” you mumble. “Jungkook took me with him.”  

At that, your mother pulls away. She arches her brows. “Jungkookie is home as well?” she asks, earning a nod from you in response. “You’re talking with him again?” Her voice is laced with apparent bewilderment but that’s exactly what you expected her reaction to be like.  

Your mother is aware you and Jungkook haven’t been keeping in touch for three long years. She was basically your only source of information about him (besides Twitter) thanks to her close friendship with his parents.  

“That’s quite a long story. I will tell you everything later.” you say. Well, maybe not entirely everything. You’re for sure going to miss out the parts you’re not proud of.  

Your mother doesn’t press you more about it. Instead, she puts her arm around your shoulders and pulls you to her side. “It’s your lucky day sweetie, because we have your favorite bulgogi for dinner. Honey, come here quick!” she shouts and you chuckle, hearing your father responding with: “What is it again?”.

The door to your house creak open, revealing your flustered dad. His expression morphs into a genuine smile when he spots you. “Is it really my daughter or are my eyes deceiving me?” he asks.  

‘’Your eyesight is fine, appa. It’s really me.” You come up and give him a small hug. He was never the affectionate type of parent but once you moved out, he let his facade break a little.  

From where you’re standing now, you have a clear view of Jeons’ house. Here, fourteen years ago, sitting on your porch, you met Jungkook for the first time. You see his window upstairs, alligned perfectly with yours. You wonder if he’s already there, inside, unpacking in his blue-painted childhood room.  

(What if it isn’t painted blue anymore?)

“Come on, let’s go. You’re probably starving.” your mother says, pulling your mind back to the present.  

Walking into your house, all you can think about are his tears-filled eyes when you were bidding him goodbye almost ten years ago in his blue bedroom.

It takes you more or less thirty minutes to reach the bay.  

When you were younger, you used to ride there by bikes practically every single day during summer. You loved sitting on the beach and observing people enjoying their time; swimming in the sea, kids building sand castles and their mums trying to relax among childlike chatter and the smell coming from nearby fishmonger’s store.

It was Jungkook who discovered the spot underneath pier. His curiosity only a twelve-year-old can posses led him there one day after school. At first, you were rather reluctant to go and didn’t mirror his excitement but once he actually showed you it, you changed your mind completely.  

It was a perfect place to hide from the world. You called it a ‘temple’ because it really felt like no one beside you knew about its existence, and that’s what made it sacred to you. When Jungkook moved away you were left to go there by yourself. Without him, it always felt like it was something missing.  

Right now, sitting here feels like you’ve you’ve turned back the time.  

It’s like you’re eighteen again, running away from the whole world, starting your own rebellion with a cigarette caught between your lips and sun disappearing behind the horizon. Listening to the songs Jungkooks had saved on his old iPod and catching up with everything that happened during the last few months when he was absent in your life. 

When you were eighteen you didn’t even know how to smoke properly, blowing out the fume too quickly and stiffing a cough so Jungkook wouldn’t laugh at you. Now it’s a different story.

Looking at him from the corner of your eye, you notice how much he’s changed physically over these five years that have passed. Gone is the baby fat on his cheeks, replaced with sculpted jawline and prominent nose. His hair is longer, falling on his forehead. There’s more piercings on his ears, an expensive watch wrapped around his wrist.  

He looks breathtaking. It never occurred to you before just how beautiful Jungkook really is up close, when there’s no flashing cameras around and make-up covering every imperfection on his face with concealer.

This is your Jungkook. The same one whose competitive nature never let you win any of his computer games, who called you after their debut showcase with quivering voice, who always treated you as his equal even when other boys were making fun of him for being friends with a girl. Your Jungkook, who’s too good for this world to be treated so unfairly.  

“I think Minho is cheating on me.” you blurt out.  

It’s been sitting on your tongue for weeks and now you finally let the words slip. You don’t see his reaction but from the sharp intake of breath you assume it’s not something he’s expected to hear from you.

“Few weeks ago I read a message on his phone from some girl asking when he will be free next time,” you continue before you could stop yourself. “He’s been meeting with her alone behind my back this whole time and I didn’t notice anything until now.” A pair of arms wrap around your frame. Jungkook presses a fleeting kiss to the crown of your head. “I don’t even know if that’s true or I’m overreacting but I just can’t understand how he can lie to me one day and the next propose to move in with him.”  

You don’t realise you’re crying until you feel Jungkook hugging you closer to him. You burry you face into his chest as sob after sob shakes your body. “Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay,” he whispers, stroking your hair. “I’m here.”  

Few minutes pass until you calm down, wiping your tear-stained cheeks with your hand. Jungkook offers you a tissue and you thank him with a small smile. You can only imagine how ridiculous you look right now, with smudges of mascara underneath your eyes and red nose. Not a sight for sore eyes.

“I’m sorry. I just needed to get it off my chest.” you say after a moment.

“You don’t have anything to apologize for, Y/N. If you need to talk about it, I’m here for you. I’m still your friend, right?” Jungkook asks, meeting your eyes.

You nod, although he’s anything but friend for you. “Right.”  

Because friends don’t console each other with burning touches on bare skin. They don’t give into carnality and submit to pleasure, putting it before everything else.  

From the corner of your eye, you see Jungkook’s jaw clenching. “I’m gonna kick his ass when I meet him.”  

Before you could stop yourself, you mumble, “He should probably kick yours, too.”   

Jungkook visibly stiffens, hearing your words. He avoids your eyes, staring down at his lap instead. You wonder what he’s thinking about now. Does he regret his actions? Do you regret letting it happen? No matter how much you know you did wrong, there’s a part of you longing for more. Because with Jungkook, you felt alive. Minho could never compare.

Reuniting with Jungkook after three years made you realize just how much you needed him back in your life. You actually stopped being mad at him the moment he stood in your room for the first time that night, disheveled and sleepy.  

You could love him. Perhaps you’ve always did. But he cannot give you more. Nothing besides bitter-sweet pleasure between the sheets.  

It’s Jungkook who speaks first.

“I might not be the best man in the world but I would never, ever hurt you like Minho does,” he says and you know he means it. He stares at you intensely. “You do believe me, right?”  

“I do.” you whisper truthfully.

He then leans closer and when you think he might actually kiss you, he places a small peck on your forehead. ‘’Good,” he murmurs, still inches from your lips. “Come on, let’s go. It’s getting late and I can practically hear my mum already complaining she doesn’t have enough time to spend with her son.”  

You nod aabsentmindedly at his words.

There’s a tough conversation for you to have once you’ll be back in Seoul again. Finding out about Minho’s lies was a point of no return for you. It made you realise you’ve been on this path with your relationship for a while now, missing signs or not paying enough attention to the details.  

But what is even more disturbing to you, is that you didn’t let Jungkook warm your bed out of simple frustration or heartache. You did it because you wanted him. And that thought scares you the most.

The first thing Jungkook hears in the morning when he wakes up is the high-pitched chatter and the clutter of pots coming from the kitchen.  

He sighs to himself, staring at his blue ceiling. The clock on his bedside table reads 10am and at this rate, it looks like he won’t be getting any more sleep, not when his mum and soon-to-be sister-in-law are making a fuss downstairs preparing for the party.  

The strong smell of homemade food invades his senses as soon as he enters the kitchen. He spots his mum putting something in the oven, her usual red and white polka-dot apron adoring her form. Hyerin is right next to her, busy cutting some vegetables and listening tentatively to her mother-in-law’s babbling.  

“Good morning.” Jungkook says in a groggy voice followed by a yawn.  

“Morning.” Hyerin quips, flashing him a smile.

Jungkook’s mother barely acknowledges his presence, too busy moving around the kitchen and making sure nothing is burning or overcooking. Feeling the first rumble of his stomach, Jungkook opens the fridge and stares blankly at its contents.  

Miss Jeon runs her house by the rule the more, the better when it comes to preparing food for special family occasions. Hence why there’s so many different type of products lined up in front of him, just begging to become a remedy for his empty stomach.  

“Nu-uh, don’t even think about it!” she chimes in, closing the fridge in front of Jungkook’s face and crushing his dreams about having egg toasts for breakfast. He stares at her with confused expression. “Order yourself something for breakfast, please. We need kitchen to ourselves right now.”  

Knowing better not to argue with his mother, Jungkook sighs in defeat and opens the food delivery app on his phone. He chooses the first option that comes to his mind that won’t take too long to make and slumps down onto the couch.  

“Eomma, where’s dad and hyung?” he asks, debating whether to turn on the TV or not. He decides on leaving it silent.  

“I sent them to the grocery store. They should be back in two hours,” she responds. “Hyerin-ssi, please make sure to keep an eye on the soup. I’ll be right back!” The door to bathroom slams behind her and Jungkook chuckles under his breath.  

“Is she giving you hard time?” he asks Hyerin once he knows his mother cannot hear them.

Hyerin looks up to peek a glance in his direction. “Your mum is a lovely person, really, but she can be… a lot sometimes. Especially when she’s stressed.” she says, smiling coyly.

“Tell me about it.”  

She lets out a laugh that quickly dies down when aforementioned woman emerges from the bathroom. Instead of heading straight to the kitchen, she makes her way to Jungkook. “What are you planning to do after breakfast, Jungkookie?”  

Jungkook shrugs because honestly, he hasn’t given a thought it yet. “I don’t know. Maybe I can help you with something here.” he proposes, although cutting onions and cabbage is the last thing he would like to do.

Fortunately, the grimace on his mother’s face tells her she’s not quite fond of his proposition. “Oh, no, no, no. We’re perfectly fine on our own with Hyerin-ssi. We don’t need extra pair of hands. Why do you think I told Junghyun to go with dad?” she asks rhetorically with raised eyebrows.  

Of course Jungkook knows why. Kitchen is his mother’s kingdom. No one steps a foot there while she prepares food unless she permits it herself. Today she’s even more uncompromising about it because it’s the first time Hyerin parents are meeting Junghyun’s. It’s the matter of making a good impression as the host.  

“Maybe you could call Y/N and ask her what her plans are? I’m sure she won’t be very busy.” Jungkook’s mother prompts and he feels like he’s ten again, bored on Saturday and wondering what to do with himself. Then, an idea pops in his mind.

“Yeah. You’re right,” he agrees. “I’ll call her.”  

Maybe a literal trip down memory lane is everything he needs to feel like himself again.  

As predicted, at first you welcomed his idea with a little bit of qualm, yet you said yes nonetheless.  

And now here you are, hanging out together at the playground behind your old primary school. Getting there wasn’t an easy task, it required some parkour abilities and jumping over the fence because the place is apparently being locked on weekends now. Ten years ago it used to be your life estate on Saturdays.

You’re currently sat on a swing, watching Jungkook doing pull ups. You have a nagging suspicion that he chose to go on with his daily workout routine right now on purpose but you’re not better yourself, doing rather poor job at ignoring the way his hoodie rides upwards with every move he makes, revealing his toned abdomen.

“Okay, I’m done.” he grunts, letting go of the bar. He plops down on the other swing next you with a heavy exhale. “How many was it?” he then asks, referring to the number of pull ups you were supposed to keep a track off.

For a moment you forget you’re supposed to answer, eyes focused on Jungkook’s throat as he chugs down the whole water bottle.

“Hmm?” he repeats and you quickly snap out of your trance.

“I lost count.” Truthfully, you didn’t even make an attempt to do so. You were too distracted by the act itself to pay attention to anything else, let alone do basic math. Now you do understand all these girls going crazy when they get a glimpse of his sculpted body.

Jungkook rolls his eyes in response and starts swinging himself back and forth. It you recall correctly, he lost one of his front baby teeth here, jumping off the swing.

“I thought a lot of would change here after so many years. But it looks exactly like I remembered it.” he says, slowing down to a halt.

You nod at his words. Apart from a little painting and renovations done here and there, it’s like it all got stuck in time. You’re about to add that your mother told you the infamous principal Choi is still consistently running the school, but Jungkook doesn’t let you vocalize it.

“Wait,” He stands up suddenly and walks to the seesaw swing. You furrow your brows as he crouches on the ground and attentively observes the object, presumably searching for something. “A-ha! Here it is! I knew it still would be there.” he exclaims excitedly after a few seconds.

Confused, you come up to him. “What are you doing?”  

“Look,” he says, pointing at the wooden base of the seesaw. At first glance you don’t notice anything but as you get closer, you see what he meant.  

Jinyoung + Y/N = ♡ engraved on the swing.

“Oh my god.” you groan, covering your face in embarrassment.  

Jungkook ignores your whining and actually snaps a picture of his finding. “You know what’s actually funny? It was me who did this because you didn’t have enough strength.” He giggles, making your cheeks heat up in bright shade of red. “I stole my dad’s pocket knife for it. Such a shame your love story lasted only a week.”  

“I’m not listening to you!” you announce and quickly come back to your previous spot on the swing.

Jungkook doesn’t give up easily though, enjoying tormenting you with your pre-teen love life. He follows you, asking, “Wasn’t he your first kiss as well?” You keep your mouth shut, avoiding his eyes. He then clasps his hands. “Yeah, I remember now. Sixth grade. He kissed you here, am I right?”  

You wish you could wipe off that smirk from his face.  

“I never liked Jinyoung,” he continues, sitting down next to you on the second swing. “But I always wanted to have that black range rover his dad drove.”  

Your face heats up even more at the mere mention of Jinyoung and his dad’s car in one sentence. Jungkook can make fun of your silly crush as much he wants, but he doesn’t know one thing.  

That your little infatuation had a sequel.  

Taking a deep breath, you lean closer to him and ask, “Wanna know a secret?” He sends you a curious look and nods. You brace yourself for what is about to come. “I lost my virginity at the back of that range rover.”

Jungkook chokes on air. His eyes widen in pure shock and you have to fight an urge to laugh at how ridiculous he looks right now, gaping at you with mouth wide open. “What the fuck, Y/N?! Tell me you’re joking, please.”

You sigh, shaking your head. “I wish but unfortunately, that’s true. We went to the same high school and somehow… our paths crossed together again.” you explain.

“And you decided to fuck him in his dad’s car?”  

“No, dumbass. We were dating. For whole six months.”  

Jungkook sends you a look. “And you didn’t tell me?”

“It’s not like we were talking back then,” you reply sheepishly, toying with the edge of your sweater. Suddenly it’s hard for you to meet his scrutinizing  stare. “You stopped responding to my messages a little before I started dating him.”  

The atmosphere between you tenses. Jungkook’s expression morphs from astonishment into guilt and you curse yourself for ruining the mood.  

Jinyoung is just a mere memory, one of many mistakes you made during your teen years. He wasn’t anyone special to you anymore, he never had been. Not even when he deflowered you on the backseat of his dad’s car one night after some party. You were too drunk to care and too inexperienced to do more than just lie there and take it. With your skirt hiked up and blouse mid-open, wondering if Jinyoung was just as clueless as you when it came to sex or he simply didn’t know how to pleasure women.

What Jungkook doesn’t have to know, is that you jumped into the relationship with Jinyoung to fill the void your best friend created three years ago with unanswered messages and never returned calls.  You were lonely in high school, you couldn’t manage to form a close bond with anyone after Jungkook. You hoped Jinyoung was good enough for a replacement.

“What about you then?” you ask to clear the atmosphere. “I told you my secret, now you reveal me yours.”  

To loosen up the tension a bit, you decide to play the quid pro quo card. Partially out of curiosity, but mostly because you feel like you’ve exposed yourself too much in a short period of time. It will only be fair if he gives you the same in return.  

Jungkook smiles bashfully. For the person who had done many dirty things to you before, he sure looks shy now. “I was nineteen as well. She was a friend of a friend, four years older than me. We met a party, flirted a little and one thing led to another,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. “I’ve never seen here after that. She tried to contact me but I just… I didn’t want to commit to something more.”

Is he ready for more now? you wonder silently. The question stays at the tip of your tongue though. You can’t wish for more when everything he’s able to provide is a few, quick moments of blissful relief between the sheets when sun goes down.  

But what if you want more? What if you’ve always, subconsciously, felt like you belonged together but universe decided to split you apart? What if you’ve always been in love with your best friend?  

The realization hits you like a tsunami. All these years, you spent denying your feelings for him. And when there’s a chance for you act on them, you back away. 

Because even if he’s now inches from you, he seems out of your reach.

By the time you gulp down your third glass of champagne, Jungkook’s brother’s engagement party is in full swing.  

Junghyun and Hyerin didn’t invite many people to celebrate. It’s a small, family gathering. Your parents were invited thanks to the almost twenty-years-long friendship with Jeons, which started when you moved into the new house next to theirs.  

Jungkook looks painfully handsome dressed in black suit pants and emerald green button-up shirt. His raven hair is styled the way you like the most, parted in the middle and revealing his forhead. You, on the other hand, are wearing a simple, long-sleeved navy blue dress you’ve had on multiple occasions before but it’s still your top go-to garment when you have nothing else to put on.

“Have I told you look great tonight, buttercup?”  

Turning around, you’re met with Junghyun’s smiling face. Of course he would approach you with his childhood nickname for you that used to make your heart flutter.

Besides his hair color, there’s little resemblance between him and Jungkook when it comes to appearance. While Jungkook took a lot after their father, Junghyun is almost a cardboard copy of their mum. Even their characters are two polar opposites. Junghyun is the more outgoing, boisterous type but Jungkook still tends to act introverted towards strangers.  

And paradoxically, it’s the younger brother who’s making a career in entertainment industry.

“Shouldn’t you be complementing your fiancée instead?” you ask, accepting another glass of Martini Junghyun hands you.  

“As you can see, she’s busy being interrogated by my mother.”  

From the corner of your eye, you see Hyerin nodding along to whatever miss Jeon is telling her right now, expressively gesturing. It’s her brand to do so. Your father says that she talks with her mouth and hands simultaneously.

“I’m sure Hyerin-ssi went through it already when they were preparing food together earlier today.” you joke.

Junghyun chuckles, having a seat next to you. He sends quick, supportive thumbs-up to to his girlfriend when she glances at him from the spot she occupies on the couch. You can’t help but coo at the sight.

“So,” you quip, “when’s the wedding?”  

“Next year in August,” Junghyun answers. “You’re obviously invited as well.”  

You smirk around the champagne glass. “I wouldn’t miss seeing my childhood crush getting married.”  

Junghyun laughs at that, throwing his head back. After a moment he adds, “It’s funny though, how you were gushing over me when the boy who had heart eyes for you was right under your nose.”  

You arch a brow. “You mean Jungkook? He had a crush on me?”  

“If course he did. You were the only girl who talked to him and moreover, you always helped him with his homework and you know how bad he was at algebra,” Junghyun says, sending you a knowing look. That much is true. Jungkook did suck at Math and could not, for crying out loud, interact with girls. “If he could, he would’ve taken you with him to Seoul all those years ago.”  

Your eyes involuntarily drift to aforementioned boy, standing with his father in the kitchen. They are looking at something your dad is showing them on his phone, probably pictures of the car he recently renovated.  

(A classic Chevrolet Camaro 1969. For all you know it looked like Damon’s car in Vampire Diaries.)

You can see Jungkook’s eyes growing big as he stares down at the screen. Obviously, he’s genuinely amazed with what he sees. You can only hope your dad won’t try persuading him to sell his luxurious Mercedes and buy something vintage instead.

“Why didn’t ever tell me that?” you ask, your voice quivery. You take another gulp of your drink to soothe the emotions bubbling in your chest and you barely succeed.

Junghyun shrugs his shoulders in response. “Would it change anything? You were thirteen-year-old kids back then and he was moving out to another city to make his big dream come true.”  

Pursing your lips, you nod. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”  

You don’t know exactly what Jungkook feels for you right now. Back when you were teenagers, it was just a fleeting attraction. Perhaps he thought about you this way because you were a girl who liked spending time with him.  

“I know him giving up your friendship was a dick move but you have to believe me that this boy has been really lost these past three years. Now he’s trying to find himself again, to become a better version of himself,” Junghyun remarks. “He needs his best friend to help him do so.”  

Turning once again to look at Jungkook, you catch him staring right back at you. He flashes a cheeky grin and completely fails winking at you. You’re lips automatically stretch into a smile seeing his goofiness. You like that side of him. It suits him.

“I think I need to go save my fiancee from my mother.” Junghyun whispers, catching you off guard. He follows your line of sight and smirks to himself. “Go talk to him. I’m sure your dad wouldn’t mind snatching Jungkook for a bit.” Unlike his younger brother, he lands a perfect wink.

Like beckoned, Jungkook approaches you when Junghyun leaves the table. “Aren’t you a little sad he’s getting married, buttercup?” It’s the first thing that night he says to you.  

Fighting an urge to snort, you ask, “Aren’t you tired of being jealous I chose Junghyun-oppa as the object of my affection and not you when we were kids?”

Jungkook bites the inside of his cheek, manifesting his irritation. You relish in it even more now, having the knowledge he used to pin after you. He ignores your witty retort though completely.

“Want to get out of here for a while?”  

Your heart skips a beat. “Where?” you blurt out, looking around the room for any place comfortable for you to stay in for a while.

“Isn’t it obvious?” When you raise your brows in question he adds, “To your house, of course.”  

“But–”

He shooshes you with a finger on his lips. “No buts, Miss Grumpy. It’s been ages since I’ve been in your room. Do you still have that Edward Cullen’s poster above your bed?” he asks and this time, you actually land a punch to his arm.

Downing the rest of your champagne, you get up from the chair. “Shall we?”  

“Ladies first.”  

“I still can’t understand why did you really hang a poster of some pale dude above your bed.”  

You’re climbing up the stairs to your room, and Jungkook is in the middle of his rant about Why Twilight Has Ever Been A Thing. You’re ten seconds from pointing out his teenage female crushes one by one, starting with IU just to rile him up.

“It’s just weird for me,” he huffs upon taking one last step to the top.

You whip your head to send him a glare. “Do you really want me to say the same thing about your fans worshipping your posters?” you ask, eyes narrowed. “You’re out of their reach just like Edward Cullen was out of mine when I was fourteen.”

He points his finger at you. “But he’s a fictional vampire and I’m real.”  

“Exactly!”  

You leave him with that, eyebrows scrunched in confusion, and open the door to your room.

“So you did get rid of him after all.”  

Nothing really much changed in your childhood room since you moved out four years ago. Your walls are still painted in lavender but the posters are long gone, much to Jungkook’s dismay. There is a bookshelf with all your favorite positions (Twilight included) standing directly next to the desk which is now pearl white, just like the rest of your furniture.  

Before you can say anything, Jungkook plops down onto your bed. “You still got them though,” he murmurs and you glance in his direction, waiting for him to elaborate on what he means. He raises his finger to the ceiling. “Those yellow stars that shine when it’s dark. You have the same in your apartment in Seoul.”  

“Oh, yeah,” you awkwardly reply, looking up. “I put them there so I can have something reminding me of home.”  

Truth to be told, you are a sentimental person. The very best evidence of your heart’s weakness is the corkboard with old photos in your apartment. As cheesy as it might sound, it gives you a sense of comfort.

Jungkook hums at that and pats the spot next to him with his hand. “Come lay with me.” he proposes.

“Why?” you ask, although you sit down on the bed anyway.  

“Because I want you to,” he grumbles and places his palm on your stomach, pushing you to lay flat. “There you go.”  

It reminds you of old days, how you used to lay down with him like that on your bed and just do nothing, simply staring at the constellations on your ceiling in silence or speaking about trivial things.  

Life was much easier back then, when there was no cameras flashing around and capturing every move your best friend makes. When you were just two kids with head full of dreams and dragging on forever doing your Chemistry homework. When you were each other’s beginning and end, yin and yang, sun and moon and the starry sky above you.  

It slips off your tongue eventually, what have you been meaning to ask him since the beginning of your illicit affair. And now it seems like you’ve finally reached the point of no return. “What are we, Jungkook?”  

You turn your head to the side, staring at his right profile. His chiseled jawline, black lashes ghosting the skin of your cheeks. He opens his eyes slowly, focusing his sight on you but you quickly look away.

“You know damn well that we aren’t just friends anymore. Maybe we’ve never been,” You sit up straight from your position, finally gaining enough courage to face the matter. “You can’t play with my emotions like that and expect me not to catch any feelings for you. You’re confusing me so much, Jungkook. I don’t think I can go on like that any more.”  

You feel his palm on the small of your back, comforting and bringing you a brief wave of solace. He follows suit, getting up from his position as well. “Look at me,” he murmurs and you jerk your head to the side. You don’t want him to see you like this again - vulnerable and exposed. “Please, ___.”  

It’s his pleading voice that makes you succumb to his request. Hesitantly, you accept his touch on your cheek and meet his doe eyes, two black charcoals shining in the dim lighting of your childhood room. He has the same look in them as you saw the first time he kissed you. If the teeth worrying his bottom lip are anything to go by, you could mistake it for nervousness.  

“I shouldn’t feel that way about you,” Jungkook finally says. “I shouldn’t wake up with an urge to text you because if I didn’t, my day would be incomplete. I shouldn’t picture us doing mundane things like cooking ramen in your apartment or picking you up from work,” he recites, voice laced with an emotion you can’t quite put the name on. Or maybe you do.

It’s longing.  

“I shouldn’t imagine us being together because I can’t give you all of these things, ___.” Lone tear slides down your cheek and he catches it with his thumb. “I’m so, so sorry.”  

You’re shaking your head, because no, he shouldn’t apologize for the world’s unfairness, for wanting to have more of you, of freedom. “Jungkook–” you start but he’s quick to interrupt you.  

“I told you this before and I’m repeating it now: you deserve so much better than what I can give you, ___.”  

He tries to distance himself, to back away and leave because that’s what he’s a master of but you beat him to it, extending your index finger and poking him right in the middle of his chest. “Now you listen to me, Jeon Jungkook,” you urge, not caring about your tear-strained cheeks and shaky voice. “I’m a very stubborn person, and you know that. If I wanted to leave you, I would’ve kicked you out of my apartment the day your drunk ass stormed back into my life.”  

He smiles sheepishly, putting a strand of hair behind your ear. “And why didn’t you do that?” he asks, his palm not leaving your cheek.  

“Because more than anything, I’ve never stopped caring about you,” It’s almost a whisper. “No matter how hurt I was, I couldn’t let you slip away from my reach again.”  

And then he’s leaning even closer, lips almost touching yours yet it feels like it’s not enough. It’ll never be. “___,” he murmurs your name softly, breath smelling of champagne hot on your skin. You feel dizzy, drunk on him. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”  

You both know it’s a white lie, that as soon as you’re back in Seoul the reality will brutally kick you in but you let yourself for a moment indulge in this fantasy – that you’re his and he’s yours. You’re on the opposite sides of the spectrum, yet you cannot be separated.  

And you need to hear him say it.

“Promise?”  

Jungkook seals it with a kiss, the one that leaves you breathless and pliant in his arms, blindly reaching for him and pulling him closer with your hands on his neck. “Promise.” he whispers, eyes trained on yours.

For now, it has to be enough.

Then, as if he can’t hold himself back any longer, he dives in for more, hands finding purchase on your hips. He’s tugging you closer until you’re perched on top of his thighs, feeling the hard flesh flexing underneath your weight. It feels familiar; that funny, pulsing sensation building up in your core when he swipes his tongue over your bottom lip to meet yours. It makes you tangle your fingers in his black locks and pull, just to hear him groan into your mouth.

But there’s another pressing matter on your mind and before you can go any further, you’re pulling away from his lips with a light smack. Jungkook doesn’t take the hint though, anchoring your hips over his crotch.

“Wait,” you mumble in between kisses, biting down the moan that almost tears from your throat when he uses the grip on your body to grind down on him. “What about the party? What if parents will come home and–”

“Shhh,” He silents you with a peck on your quivery lips. “They won’t. The party has barely started. And even if they do come home, you’ll just have to be quiet, right?” Something about his tone makes you nibble on your bottom lip to suppress a whimper. He sees it, and leans down to kiss your throat. “Can you do that for me, baby?”  

“Mhm,” you mewl, angling your neck to give him more access. He sucks a mark right above your sternum and it almost distracts you from asking him one more thing. “Jungkook,”  

He licks a stripe up the column of your throat and looks at you, lips shining with saliva. “What is this?”  

Despite the urge to kiss him stupid right here and there, you cup his cheeks and repeat the same question that led you to this very moment. “What are we?”  

Jungkook looks like a living sin with his blown out pupils and disheveled hair yet his gaze is nothing less than affectionate. He brings one of your hands to his lips and places a kiss on your knuckles. “Whatever you want us to be,” he responds, sincere. “You know I never give up without trying.”

You nod, a small smile dancing on your features. “I know.”  

He captures your mouth in another kiss, like he’s trying to prove his statement with actions; sucking, biting, kneading your supple flesh just right. Suddenly there’s too many clothes separating you and your fingers grip his silk shirt in faint attempt to satisfy your yearning to feel him fully.

As if reading your mind, Jungkook stops mid-decorating your neck with yet another red mark. “Get up and take off your dress for me, baby.” he says, all soft but still demanding enough to make your knees wobble. As much as you love the dominant side of him, you’re enjoying this new-found softness of his.  

You comply to his request in an instant, raising from his lap to a standing position. Your fingers travel to your backside and pull the zipper down. Your dress falls on the floor with light thud, leaving you in your underwear. It’s matching but not your best pick nonetheless; simple black lace bra and cotton panties. Jungkook doesn’t seem to mind though, two antsy hands gently pulling you closer to him until you’re in between his thighs.  

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs, leaning down to press a feathery kiss on your belly. You let out a shaky sigh, trying to avert your gaze away from his burning stare but he destroys your attempt. “Don’t shy away from me now.” A squeeze to your hip is a warning. You give in, looking down just to see him smirking right back at you.  

“I won’t if you take off your clothes as well.” you challenge despite your trembling voice.

He gets up, towering over your figure. “Undress me then.” Your shaky fingers reach for the buttons, opening one by one. He watches your movements attentively, lets you run your palms over his broad chest. His silky shirt joins your dress on the floor as you fumble with his belt buckle.  

There’s something intimate about this moment. It’s not the first time you’re seeing each other naked yet everything feels new, unchartered. You’re exploring each other again, mapping your bodies with subtle touches and observant eyes. 

Jungkook strips off his slacks, steps off his shoes along with socks. He sends you a cheeky grin. “Now we’re even.” He swallows your giggle with his mouth, not wasting any more time and pressing you against his body.  

You moan when you feel his erection touching your hip. He uses it as an opportunity to slither his tongue inside, each experienced lick making it hard for you to follow his tempo. You go lax in his hold, letting him snap your bra open. He maneuvers your body until you’re laying on your back and he’s straddling your waist.  

“So pretty,” he marvels, palms caressing your breasts. Your nipples harden under his ministrations, breathy moan escaping your lips when he pinches them. “Such a pretty baby.” he repeats, lost in touching every part of you he can reach.

Jungkook peppers kisses on your belly, hands travelling to your thighs. He leans to kiss you on your panty-clad mound. You mewl at the sensation, unconsciously sliding your legs wide open and giving him more access to your center. “Can I eat you out?” he asks, continuing mouthing over your pussy. When you don’t answer him in time, he slaps your thigh in reprimand. ‘’Hmm?”  

“Please,” you whimper, mind send into overdrive. Minho rarely went down on you and you almost forgot how good it feels to have someone’s mouth on you.

Jungkook grasps your underwear and pulls it down your legs, revealing your dripping pussy to his hungry eyes. His breath tickles your folds, sheets grasped tightly between your fingers. Jungkook kitten-licks your pulsing clit, eyes trained on your face to see every small reaction he emits from you.

“Jungkook,” you keen, hips rising to chase after his mouth.  

He nibbles on your thigh playfully, flashing you a sly smile. “What do you want, doll?”  

It’s the ‘doll’ that makes you whine pitifully at him. He relishes in it, sucking your clit into his mouth as an apology for his teasing.  You whimper, “Please, I want more. Give me more.”  

‘’Demanding, are we?” he snorts but complies anyway. No matter how much he loves hearing you beg, he enjoys eating you out more. He covers you your pussy with his mouth, tongue swiping over your sensitive numb. He licks up clean your soaking slit, not missing a single drop of your pearly arousal.

He groans at the taste and throws your legs over his shoulders. He pulls you even closer to him until his face is burried between thighs. Your fingers wander to his hair on their own accord, threading into his silky strands. After a harsh suck he abuses your clit with, you pull. It spurs him on even more, a groan mouthed against your pussy causing even more slick to drip down your opening. 

“Tell me how good it feels.” he mumbles, glancing up at your face. You focus your sight on him, his chin is shining with translucent substance, hair tangled and sweaty against his forehead.  

“So good,” you mewl.  

“Yeah? That good?” Jungkook asks, tone almost mocking. You’re now only nodding in response, your cunt pulsing with a need to release. “Can you cum for me like this, baby?” he mouths along your folds.  

“Please, please,” You’re nearly crying, tears pricking in the corners because the pleasure is too much to bear. Your clit throbs, eyes rolling to the back of your head. “Oh my god–Kook!”  

“Good girl,” He rewards you with two slender fingers pushing inside your pussy, searching for that one stop that makes your insides flutter. “My pretty baby, tastes so sweet for me.” he rasps before licking a stripe up your cunt.

His digits slide even deeper into you. It sounds sinfully wet but you don’t care, accepting whatever he gives you. And give does he, plunging his fingers repeatedly inside and flicking his tongue against your bud – a perfect symphony to finally send you over the edge.

“There you go,” he murmurs, feeling your walls tightening around his fingers. More juices leak out of your hole and he drinks them up eagerly. “My pretty girl doing so good for me.”  

He prolongs your orgasm until you stop him with a breathy whimper of, “’m sensitive.”  

Jungkook gets up to hover over your shaking body. He opens your mouth with a deep, wet kiss. You taste your arousal on his tongue, feeling no longer foreign and eliciting a moan out of you. His length presses against your hip, hard and straining his briefs. With a surge of boldness you reach down, rolling his underwear off his body. His cock slaps against his abdomen, curved tip leaking precum.

Nibbling on your bottom lip you watch as his hand encloses around his member, giving it a few pumps. He groans, head thrown back. Your eyes focus on the sweat dripping down his sculpted body all the way from his neck down his chest. Jungkook is a sight for sore eyes– slim waist, toned thighs. Everything about him is mesmerizing.  

He settles between your legs, cock prodding at your folds. “You sure?” he asks, searching for your eyes.  

You don’t answer him verbally this time and he doesn’t press about it. Instead you open your legs even wider, a small smile dancing on your features as you nod. You’re welcoming the stretch with a drawn out moan. He pushes himself inside slowly, until he’s flushed against your pelvis, his neatly trimmed pubic hair tickling your skin.  

“Fuck,” he curses, hands coming up to grip your sides so tightly you’re sure they’ll leave fingertip bruises. “You’re so perfect, baby. Made for me.” He leans to press a kiss on your mouth, tongue lazily lacing with yours. It’s messy, saliva trickling down your chin but you don’t care, reciprocating with vigor.  

Jungkook pulls away and places one last peck on your cheek. “Ready?” he murmurs.  

You couldn’t be more than. “Ready.”  

He picks up the pace, blindly reaching for your legs to make you encircle his waist. You’ve never fucked in this position before, with him so close to your face you could practically taste the sweat dripping off his body on your lips. He relishes in having you like this, palms caressing every square inch of your flesh. 

‘’God, I missed having you like this, doll,” he grunts. He props his hand next to your head and it gives him leverage to hammer himself faster into your cunt. “Do you like how I’m fucking you?” he asks and you keen in response. He doesn’t seem to be satisfy with your reaction. “Too fucked out to speak?” You hear him chuckling evily into your ear.

“Shit, Jungkook,” you whimper, throwing your hands over his neck. His skin his hot and slippery under your touch. He rams himself even harder into you, hips never losing the rhythm. You feel the pressure building up in your abdomen already, reducing you to mewling mess underneath him. “I-I love it. So, so much.” you stammer out.

“Yeah?” he prompts, fingers slipping down your belly to toy with your clit. “Love how my cock is fucking you?”

“Yes, yes–fuck,” you chant. “So good.”  

He loses himself in you, in the way how tight you feel around his cock. He tells you this, spits filthy obscenities into your ear and punctuates it with deep strokes inside you. He wants to have you like this forever, keep you to himself and hide from the whole world.  

It’s selfish of him to think that way but he can’t help it, not when you’re moaning so pretty when he tightens his grip on your waist and rails you harder into the mattress. Not when you’re there when he needs you, when you’re his lifeboat bringing him back to the land (sanity).  

He wants to see you smile for him, because of him. Wants to call you his. And that’s what he asks you to, begs in stranded voice. “Say you’re mine,”  You’re shaking your head, tears threatening to spill from your eyes but he needs to hear you say it even if it’ll be just this once. “Please, tell me you’re mine, ___.”

Your whole body shudders from pleasure. You open your quivery lips but nothing comes out of it except for a broken whimper of his name. “J-jungkook–”

“Please,” he pleads once again, entangling your hands from around his neck and pinning them over your head instead. “Say nobody will ever make you feel this way. Fuck you until you cry,” he continues, fingers circling your nub with ferocity. “Fucking say it!”  

You sob, pleasure rippling through your body and throwing you off the edge. “I’m yours,” you whisper hoarsly, staring into his dark orbs. “Yours, yours, yours!” you repeat, creaming his cock with your release.  

“Fuck,” Jungkook groans and you don’t know it’s because of your confession or your walls constracting around his member. Maybe it’s the mixture of both. “You’re mine just like I’m yours.” he spits as the orgasm approaches him, shuddering through his whole body. He comes with a call of your name, spilling himself inside.  

You whimper at the sensation, your arousal mixing with his and dripping from your hole. Jungkook lets go of your wrists, pressing a peck on each of them. His palm cups your cheek and he leans down to kiss you. It’s lazy, your mouths barely moving but it feels good anyway.  

He’s in the middle of pulling his softening cock out of your core when you hear your mum’s voice.  

“___, honey, are you here?” She’s downstairs, approximately forty-five seconds from reaching your room.

Jungkook sends you a panicked look. “Go lock my door!” you hiss. 

He obliges quickly, naked butt jogging across the room to twist the key. You can’t help but giggle as he tiptoes to the bed again. He puts a hand over your mouth and murmurs, “Shhh, be quiet.”  

Your mum’s heels clink on the stairs. Few seconds later she’s knocking on your door. “___, are you there?” she asks. You’re praying she won’t twist the handle because in that case you’ll have a lot of awkward explaining to do. Fortunately, she gives up. “I guess they went for a walk.”  

By ‘they’ she means you and Jungkook who’s currently stifling a laugh against your shoulder. “Well, maybe not for a walk but something equally energy-draining.” he whispers. You elbow him in the stomach, making him chuckle even harder.

When you hear the door to your house closing, you let out a breath of relief. “I knew fucking in my childhood bedroom wasn’t a good idea.”

Jungkook smirks. “You sure about that?” he teases, squeezing your hip. It makes you roll your eyes but you don’t hide the smile on your face afterwards anyway.

Jungkook reaches for your panties and rolls you onto your back, carefully cleaning you up and then himself. He tucks you beneath the covers, encircling your body with his arm. You relish in the heat radiating of him, pressing your cheek right where his heart beats.

“You’ve never told me what would be my biography’s title.” Jungkook says after a moment.  

You smile to yourself, fingertips drawing patterns on his skin absentmindedly. “I’d call it ‘Lost Star’.” you answer.  

“Because I’m a troublesome celebrity?” he chuckles and you shake your head.  

“Well, of course you can interpret it like that but for me it has more of a metaphorical sense,” you explain. “You’re a star, like those on the sky, which got lost and came to Earth instead. That’s why you’re so special. Because you’re out of this world.”  

“I’m no special,” Jungkook grumbles, pouting.  

You sit up from your position to look him in the eyes. “You’re wrong, Jeon Jungkook. And I think I’m not the only person who thinks the same,” you urge. He meets your gaze and you realise how young he looks right now. Young and boyish. “You make thousands of people smile because of your music. That’s a special ability to me.”  

He flashes you a small smile. “I’ve never thanked you for believing in me from the very beginning.” he says, cupping your cheek in his palm.  

“Always.”  

You drift off to sleep with his voice humming softly in your ears.

[4 months later]

“Bangtan Sonyeondan are currently at the Incheon International Airport, leaving for their upcoming world tour. Their first show will be held this Saturday in Los Angeles and–”

You walk into the living room and sit on the sofa, staring at the pictures Korean press took of Jungkook and his bandmates while they were departing to US. They are dressed in their casual clothing and you know the fans are going to freak out seeing Jungkook’s hair has gotten long enough to tie it in a man bun. You’re almost sure the news have already spread on Twitter.

The TV is too big for your liking but Jungkook insisted on buying it anyway. You can almost see the pimple on his cheek he woke up with this morning. It makes you smile involuntarily.

Rest of the design in his–now yours as well– apartment was mainly your idea. He bought it without telling you because he knew you would freak out. And you did, obviously, call him crazy. But he didn’t mind. Told you he needed a space for himself for a very long time and now he has someone to share it with.  

The house feels empty without him. It’s too spacious for one person and when he’s not around, you feel like intruder. But you’ve put on your big girl shoes this morning after a passionate round of love making and teary-eyed goodbyes. You won’t slip them off until he will come home to you in two months.  

He promised he would show you Paris and London. You know he will keep that promise, although you aren’t sure you’ll be able to make it with your new job. After breaking up with Minho, Jungkook encouraged you to try sending your drafts to different publishing companies. And one of them responded positively.

You check your phone–your smiling face meeting you on the lockscreen. Jungkook’s smooching your cheek, but prying eyes wouldn’t be able to tell it’s him from that angle. His last text message is from fifteen minutes ago.  

[5:55pm] jungkook:  

We’re departing in 20 minutes  

I’m missing you already so much:(

You reply, although he’s probably fast asleep like he always does during flying.  

[6:01pm] me:  

Miss u too!!

And you mean it. You’re missing him when he’s at his dance practice, when he’s in the studio. But it has to be enough for now.  

The dates he takes you for have to be in the confines of your apartment. You can’t go for a walk and hold his hand or kiss him in public. He said you needed to wait for the tour to end to discuss publicly announcing your relationship. You’re wondering what’s better: forever hiding or being judged for every step you take.

You’re a strong girl, he once told you. And you’ll continue being one. For the two teenagres on the beach smiling to the camera in the framed photo next to your TV.  

However long it takes.  

[youcouldmakealife]

SOTW: Willy, Joey, Scouts; solidarity

For the prompt: would love to see more willy + money interactions pre/during/post money being outed.

There were a number of people mad at Willy not letting Joey know he wasn’t alone when he was outed once it was revealed Willy wasn’t straight, and I would like to clear Tate Williams’ name by reminding everyone Joey is the most oblivious soul in the world.

Tate knew Joey was gay before the pictures were leaked. He wasn’t told, not in the ‘revelation solely related to content of leaked pictures’ zone that comprised solely of one Nick Angelopoulos, but he’d like to say he’s a pretty observant person, and Money is not actually all that subtle. 

Surrounded by heteronormative dudes who are oblivious at the best of times, it’s not exactly hard to hide not being one hundred percent straight, Tate knows from firsthand experience, so it was a surprise to everyone else, but to their credit, and Tate’s relief, they immediately come to Money’s defense like he’s faced the life equivalent of a dirty hit. Which, honestly, he has.

Scratch comes muscling in like Money’s personal bodyguard when they walk in the first time since, thundercloud face like he’ll punch anyone who looks at Money the wrong way. Tate’s already very firmly informed everyone intolerance will not be, well, tolerated, and the message was surprisingly well received. Scratch’s face gets more and more relieved as Money gets enfolded in the group immediately, all sympathy and ‘fuck that guy’.

“How’s he taking it?” Tate asks, low.

“I mean,” Scratch says, eyes still on Money, like he’s willing to bolt across the room to him if he sees anything he doesn’t like. “Not great?”

By his face that is an understatement.

“Glad you were there for him,” Tate says. Scratch was there when Money found out, and every time Tate checked in on Money after, asked if he wanted him to come over, Money told him Scratch was still there.

“Me too,” Scratch says quietly.

Tate waits until Money’s gotten mostly free of everyone, swears he feels phantom eyes on him when he goes over to reiterate his support. Scratch, almost definitely, still looking out for him.

“Hey,” Money says. His smile’s strained and weak, like it’s all he can summon up.

“I’m here for you if you need anything,” Tate says. “If you want to vent, or solidarity or something — I get it, bud.”

“You don’t,” Money mumbles, and that’s fair, Tate supposes. He’s never dealt with the same thing, never will: every picture of Tate with his clothes off has been consensually given. Also lacks his face, because his mother would strangle him, and then bring him back to life in order to strangle him again. Tate hopes Money’s mom is more of a sympathetic sort.

“You know the team’s here for you, right?” Tate asks. “Not just me, the guys are one-hundred percent behind you, you’re our Money man, we’re here for you.”

“You know you don’t have to like, go all You Can Play ambassador on me,” Joey says. “Just because they sprung that role on you.”

“I’m not YCP ambassadoring you,” Tate says, exasperated. And he offered, it wasn’t exactly an imposition. “You’re my friend, Money.”

“I know,” Joey mumbles.

“My friend who just had his privacy invaded and who got publicly outed in the worst possible way,” Tate says. “I’m checking in on you. Making sure you’re okay. Letting you know you don’t have to shoulder it by yourself.”

“M’fine,” Money says, in the least fine voice ever.

“You know you can press charges, right?” Tate asks. “It’s a felony in Missouri. Or sue for damages or—”

“Stop,” Money says. “I just — I just want this to like, go away. Or — I know it can’t, I just—”

“C’mere,” Tate says, and Money blows out a breath against his shoulder when Tate pulls him into a hug.

“You sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Tate asks. “I’m happy to listen.”

“I’m so sick of talking about it,” Money mumbles. “Between PR, and my family, I’m just—”

“Okay,” Tate says. “Here for you, though. If you want a different perspective, or just an empathetic ear or whatever.”

“Thanks,” Money says when Tate releases him.

“Your ex is a fucking asshole,” Tate says.

“He really is,” Money say, and blows out another breath when Tate gives him a supportive shoulder shake.

“You’re a tough guy, Money,” Tate tells him.

“Sure,” Money says, and Tate gets one more weak smile for his efforts.

[httphonsool]

Heather

synopsis; you’ve always been the last, the last to be chosen, the last to be remembered, the last. And it doesn’t help that you’re Heather’s best friend either. but maybe, your unfortunate fate can be changed.

word count; 5,957

time taken; eesh, let’s not talk about it.

warnings; angst, heartbreak, feeling inferior, insecurities, bullying (?? if you squint)

notes; hi! i’m back for the time being, i mean not really, but enjoy this for the next three months i guess, i’m joking, i think i might just get back into writing but updates will be fairly slow, and i’m not just doing bts oneshots/series anymore, i’m currently only doing bnha for anime buttt maybe it’ll expand. also, yes, this is inspired by ‘Heather’ by Conan Gray, listen to it whilst you read, you may just cry.

-

There’s always that one girl. The one nobody can hate, the one that everyone swoons for, the one that’s always right, the one no one can be mad at. Unfortunately for you, you are not that girl, but you are her best friend. Yes you heard right, you were the best friend of the Heather in your school, also known as Yaoyorozu Momo.

See, you don’t hate Yaoyorozu, no, no, that’s definitely nowhere near the case, you just hate that everyone views her as some perfect princess that makes no mistakes, in fact it’s not even that, it’s that you’re just seen as her best friend, the girl that’s just there, the one that’s always there, you know the face but never the name. The second choice. The last choice.

It doesn’t help that Momo is your only friend, and that you’ve always felt inferior to her, it’s not exactly the healthiest relationship, but it’s your only choice, there’s not really anyone else. You’re just not taken seriously, it’s always Momo this and Momo that, she’s the only one who really wants to talk to you. And you hate the world for that.

 It’s even more difficult as the days go by, a wave of insecurities, depression, and your childhood trauma finally catching up to you, you can’t even bring yourself to lift your head up during class, and the boy sitting to your right seems to notice.

“___? Why do you look like a deflated whale?” you hear a voice from your right, you look up to see a blur of red and white hair and heterochromatic eyes through your tears. Let’s ignore the fact that you are definitely not okay, how does the son of one of the most famous heroes in the world, Todoroki Shoto, know your name when nobody else can bother to learn it(excluding Momo, of course).

“You-you know my name?”

“I mean…I’ve been sitting next to you since the first day…it’s not that hard to remember.”

“Right.” You wipe away the streaks of tears.

“So…do you want to complain…isn’t that what people usually do when they’re sad?”

“I’m fine,” you tell him.

“You don’t look fine.” He says bluntly.

“And? Why does it matter?” Truth be told you love the attention you’re getting, you just want to keep the conversation going, even if it’s short.

“If you don’t want to tell me then don’t.” Well, ouch, but to be honest, you were asking for it.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Well fuck you, then.”

And you can’t deny how your heart flutters at the sight of the small smirk that’s planted on his face.

-

And so it began, a slow building friendship, one of those kinds of friendships you see on TV, it was just six pure months of happiness, a true friendship, and you don’t mind admitting that it feels nice to have a friend that isn’t Momo, it makes you feel somewhat better, and he makes you feel somewhat better. It’s nice to not feel insecure every time you’re near a friend; it’s nice to just hang out with him, even if he’s being blunt and a little straightforward, but that’s just how he is and it doesn’t make you love him any less. Except this bond you shared wasn’t just between the two of you, unfortunately Momo decided to come in. It struck your nerves just a little bit, it was almost like she couldn’t let you have anything for your own, but you know that’s not how Momo intended it to be, it just happened, and you couldn’t hate it more. You could tell how Shoto felt towards Momo, doing things for her he wouldn’t even do for you, dropping everything to take care of her, and it didn’t help your case because before you knew it, you were free-falling deep into the rabbit hole labelled ‘Todoroki Shoto’ and he was too; except the rabbit hole was not named after you.

You don’t blame him for being in love with Momo, you don’t. In fact, you can see exactly why he would, she’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s always right, and at this point you’re one-hundred percent sure she’s probably never wronged anyone, not a single sin on her list. It just sucks because, for once, you just wanted something for yourself, but now you can’t even have that.

You’re not quite sure how it happened, if you’re honest, one moment you were trying to get rid of him because he continuously tried to check up on you, and the next, you finally made him laugh for the first time, and you felt hope, so you continued to talk to him, and next thing you know it you were best friends, and then Momo decided to talk to him. And that’s when your special few months were over; Momo was back to claim what was hers, without even knowing it.

-

It’s a dark Friday night when Momo finally tells you exactly what you didn’t want to hear, you’re sitting behind Momo, braiding her hair, being careful not to pull her hair down.

“___? Ow- eesh, ____, be careful, it hurts a little,” she groans.

“I’m sorry, it’s just I’m not used to doing other people’s hair, plus yours is so long!”

“Yours is longer! Anyway, I wanted to tell you something…” your heart stops, time freezes, everything freezes…please no, please…

“I think…I think I…” no, no, please no, “I think I like Todoroki Shoto, no- I think I really like him.”

“Oh.” It’s all you can come up with, your eyes welling up, holding back tears…why, why, why. But like the good best friend you are, you can’t lie to her. “I think he likes you, too. You should confess.” You tell her.

God damn it. You’re so tired of this, you’re so sick of being second best, you’re sick of it never being you, but it’s different this time, you can feel it in the air. Usually Momo rejects everyone, girl or boy, she always says no…but the one time you like a guy…it just happens to be the guy you’re in love with that she decides to reciprocate feelings towards. And maybe you’re just finally done with it.

But you know, like always, it’s not Momo’s fault, not even Shoto’s, if you blame anyone, it’s you because you’re absolutely useless.

“Really? But I can’t…I don’t think he does…I mean…he always seems to love being around you. Is it possible you could…maybe talk to him for me?” You’re trying so hard to not have a mental breakdown, and it only gets harder…’I mean he always seems to love being around you’…is she serious? Is she blind? But you know you’ll still talk to him for her, like you would even if you didn’t love him.

But all of this reminded you, Yaoyorozu was truly Heather. And you were barely even on the list of choices at this point.

-

“We need to talk.”

Shoto looks up, noodles shoved in his mouth, an adorably clueless look on his face- and it takes you every fibre of your being not to shamelessly coo at him. He swallows down the noodles, taking a big gulp of water before looking up at you once more, “What about?”

“Your crush on Momo.” He freezes, a blush covering his cheek, clearly, you hit a nerve.

“Do we have to?”

“Yes. I think it’s time you confess.”

“…You’re right. But how do we...? I don’t really know how…to confess.”

“There’s no we in this, it’s all you.”

“You know, I’d appreciate it very much if you helped me a little.” You want to say no. You want to say no, and you’re going to, but…it’s Todoroki Shoto…the guy you’ve liked for way too long…

“Okay, fine, we’ll plan it over the next two weeks; it has to be perfect for Momo, she deserves only the best.” Yeah, no, you’ll always just be stuck as Heather’s best friend.

“Okay.”

“Meet me after school, at my dorm.”

-

You’re not sure if this will even work but it’s the best you’ve got. And what’s your plan, you ask? Movies. Romance movies, cringey chick flicks, everything there is related to romance that Shoto could possibly take note of.

And surely, as you knew, he shows up, a notebook in hand, and the most deadpan look on his face.

“So…what are we doing.”

“Films, Shoto, romance films, you get the idea, every time you see a romantic confession, you write down things, like how they might be describing their feelings…you know…that stuff.” Why are you doing this again? Oh right, because you’re weak, and because you just want to see your best friends happy with each other.

“Oh…okay.” He sits down on your bed, rolling over onto his stomach in front of your laptop.

“We’re starting with titanic.”

“But isn’t that a sad movie?”

“Well maybe I want to cry,” You state bluntly.

“Oh.”

You’re about halfway through the Titanic, when your phone starts ringing. It’s Momo. Both you and Todoroki tense up. You pause the film to accept her call.

“Momo?”

“___? I didn’t see you all day so I decided I should check up on you, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I’m just with Shoto…” beside you, Shoto relaxes, muscles going from tense to relaxed within seconds just at the sound of Momo’s voice. Your heart constricts once more.

“Oh…um…have fun? We’re still hanging out again tomorrow night, right?” She asks, her voice hopeful. But for some reason that makes you want to curl up and bawl your eyes out.

“Oh, um, I may have to cancel…” you can’t, you can’t deal with her.

“Oh, that’s okay, day after tomorrow?”

“I’ll see.” And with that you end the call, letting the tears in your eyes flow freely, sobs wracking your body.

“___? ___! What’s wrong?”

“What do you do when you’re in love with a boy…who’s in love with your best friend? Shoto, I can’t live like this anymore, I’m always second best, everyone loves her, and the one time I seem to like a guy, he likes her, it’s just so frustrating.” You can’t seem to breathe properly, your lungs seem to be constricted, blocking your ability to breathe, you feel so disgusted with yourself it’s not even funny.

“Well…if he doesn’t like you he’s obviously not worth the effort.” Shoto says monotonously, placing his left hand on your back and rubbing slowly, affectionately, it’s the most he’s ever touched you.

You scream out of frustration, why does nobody understand!? “it’s not just about the damn boy,” you pause trying to gain stability, “it’s everything, it’s always Momo this, Momo that, I’m tired, Todoroki,” he lifts his hand slightly, the unfamiliar sound of his last name leaving your mouth, “I just want someone to want me, I want someone to care for me, it’s not fair I always have to share everything. Half our class barely even knows my name, I’m never chosen to be on any teams, you and Momo are my only friends, and I don’t know what to do at this point because I want someone to choose me for once.”

“I want you. I chose you.” He tries to soothe you, continuing to rub his hand over your back.

“It’s not the same.”

“Why?”

“Because you like her better.”

And for the rest of the evening you both watch the movies in silence.

-

The next time you and Todoroki meet, Uraraka and Midoriya join you.

And Todoroki Shoto is late. For the first time in your eight month long friendship, he’s late.

“Where were you, Shoto?” You ask him as soon as you see him.

“I was giving Momo my sweater, it was getting cold, didn’t want her to freeze.” He mumbles, and there’s your daily reminder that you and Todoroki are just not going to happen.

“Mm, a sweater,” you attempt to joke, and Uraraka giggles.

“It’s just polyester.” He replies.

“Damn, she really has you mesmerised, doesn’t she?” you giggle as you turn away.

-

“So…what’s the plan?” Midoriya asks.

“We’re trying to help get Shoto to confess.” You tell him.

“Please don’t mention this meeting ever again.” Todoroki says.

“Hmm, I’d say describe your feelings? Like when I confessed to Izuku, I told him things I liked about him? Like how his hair reminds me of a broccoli,” Uraraka says, squishing Midoriya’s cheeks.

“I still don’t understand that, but anyway…s-sorry I forgot your name, what was it?” Midoriya asks.

A pang of hurt hits you, damn, you were right…you’re not even second best, your just nothing.

“___.” You tell him, and slowly but surely Shoto’s hand wraps around yours, tightening and squeezing in reassurance.

“Sorry, I’m not that great with names, ___, but I was thinking…how romantic does it have to be? Because knowing Todoroki…yeah…you get what I mean. I mean, I’m sorry Todoroki, you’re a great dude but I rarely even see you smile.” Midoriya says.

“Shut up.” And you almost laugh, because that’s your Shoto…but then you realise; he’s not your Shoto.

“Okay but anyway, you don’t want it to be too romantic, but you want it to be genuine, you know? Like…how about…you…name some things about some guy you like? Maybe it’ll help him?” You sigh as you realise Uraraka has forgotten your name, and it takes everything to not start bawling when Shoto’s hand squeezes yours again.

“Um, well, I like his eyes, they’re so pretty, like a contrast between the ocean on a sunny day, and a stormy day, he’s much taller than me, it makes me feel tiny and small every time he looks down at me, not to mention how he was one of the only people, excluding Momo, to notice me and care about me, his hair always covers his eyes but it never seems to bother him for some reason, and he’s really oblivious about how I feel too…” You trail off, focussing on how not to make it obvious you’re in love with Todoroki, but when Shoto’s hand falls out of yours so effortlessly, you immediately stop talking.

The entire table is in absolute silence.

“Wow…you…really, really like this guy…” Uraraka says, but the expression on her and Midoriya’s face tells you they’ve already figured you out, and the unfortunately concerned look in her eyes tells you it’s hopeless.

“But, er…” Midoriya trails off, trying to remember your name, and you want to scream.

“___. Her name is ___, it’s not that hard to remember.” Shoto grits his teeth.

Something tells you they’ll both be remembering your name for a while now.

But even as you move on onto other topics, you can’t help but shake the feeling that you’re being watched, and as you turn around you see a blonde boy with bright hazel eyes staring at you.

-

The rest of the night continues as it did before, changing from talking about the confession to talking about…normal things, you suppose, and you’re about to leave with Shoto, just as someone taps you on the shoulder.

You turn around to see a boy around your age, dyed blonde hair with curtains and hazel eyes that shine brighter than the sun, the same one from earlier.

“Hey…___, right? We’re in the same Math class.” He knows your name, he knows your name.

“Yeah, that’s me.” You tell him, a hopefully look on your eyes.

“I was wondering…are you…single?” He asks.

“Unfortunately so.” You blush.

“Oh, thank god, so would you…ever consider going on a date with me? I mean I know we don’t know each other or anything…but…”

“I don’t even know your name,” you tease him, his cheeks burning bright red.

“My name is Akio,” He tells you pushing a hand forward for you to shake, “so will you go on a date with me?”

You’re not done with Shoto, and of course, it’s probably not going to happen any time soon, but this boy seems to be nice, somewhat. This could be your chance to start anew, change the fact that you’re never someone’s first choice; you could finally get rid of the dead weight you’re holding on. You look around the table, at Uraraka and Shoto specifically, and while Shoto really couldn’t seem to care less about the situation at hand (which is what you insinuate from the expression on his face) Uraraka seems so pleasantly surprised and just one look at her expression gives you the comfort of knowing you should say yes.

“Okay,”

“Is tomorrow okay? Here? After school?”

“Yes, that’s fine!”

“Yeah, okay, let’s go, ___,” you hear Shoto grunt, pulling you out of the restaurant.

“Was that the guy you were talking about? I didn’t know he was so…”

You’re not quite sure what to say…so you just agree.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s him…I guess he does like me after all.”

���I’ll be honest…I was really hoping he didn’t like you.”

“You want him to like Momo instead, then?” You don’t understand…why couldn’t he be happy for you?

“No, but I don’t think he’s the kind of person you’d want to date.”

You walk the rest of the way back to your dorm in silence.

-

So surely, you show up the next day, after school, same place, you even dressed up for today, quickly changing into a short dress, letting your hair down and even applying lipstick and mascara for the sake of looking presentable.

You stand outside of the restaurant for ten minutes, he doesn’t seem to be coming any time soon so you decide to go inside, expecting to see him sitting at a table, but when you realise he isn’t here yet, you head inside to grab a table and wait for a while.

Ten minutes pass, Akio doesn’t show up, you assume he got held behind.

Ten minutes turn into twenty, twenty turn into forty, and forty turns into a whole hour and a whole hour turns into two hours and you’re starting to get sympathetic looks from the people around you, even the workers gave you sympathy and gave you a free meal.

And as you eat your burger and fries, you realise Akio was never even planning on showing up.

And you know now that maybe you should have trusted Shoto’s judgement.

-

The next day, you’re barely strong enough to get yourself up to go to school, and when you do…well you wish you had given in and just stayed in your dorm.

The door to your classroom bursts open, everyone expecting your teacher walk through but instead seeing a group of boys that you’ve seen amongst the school halls, and amongst the group you notice the blond head that stood you up yesterday, and your head immediately goes to Shoto’s seat, only to see he wasn’t here yet, and again to Momo’s seat, but as soon as Momo saw you, she looked away, face flushing a light pink colour.

“Ah, dear, ___,” Akio smirks, snickering along with his group of friends, “Did you really think anyone would actually want to go on a date with you?”

Truth is, you should’ve known, and you want to say something to Akio, you do, but you don’t, you can’t because he’s right.

“You’re honestly a disgrace; you really went to the same place after school thinking I’d be there for our date…what a bloody fool.” He cackles.

You don’t really want to hear this, all it’s doing is make you want to face the truth…and truth is you’re not ready for that…everyone in the classroom is quiet…even the exploding ball of anger, Bakugo, is quiet, and all you can do is wish that Shoto was here, but what would he do? Scare them off? Exactly. You’re on your own.

And what infuriates you the most is that even your best friend since childhood, Momo, of all people isn’t saying anything, everyone’s just watching it happen, watching the events unfold in absolute silence.

But you can’t hold it in anymore, and the sobs start racking your body.

“Aw, that’s cute…she’s crying.” And they just laugh more, and that’s when you decide to leave, just when Todoroki steps into the room, and all you can hear is Uraraka and Midoriya’s voices calling for you.

-

“___?” You hear Uraraka’s sweet voice call out.

You try and hold in your sobs in the echoing toilet stand, not wanting to be found just yet.

“Can you let me in please? I just want to talk?”

You open the door to the stall, letting Uraraka in.

“I’m sorry, ___, I didn’t know he would stand you up, I genuinely thought he was interested in you, I wouldn’t have encouraged it if I didn’t think he was-”

“It’s okay, Uraraka.” She starts stroking your hair, something you haven’t had done to you in ages, and tears start leaking again, “Besides, Todoroki and Midoriya took care of them, you know,” she giggles.

“Really?” You ask.

“Yeah, they took care of them, don’t worry…Look, I know, it’s difficult with…Momo and Todoroki…and I know how you feel, but he really does care you know? I can tell, I’m not sure whether it’s friendly or…more…but he does care as much as he might seem like he doesn’t…he’s just not good with feelings…I mean…do you remember how he described his feelings for Momo?” She starts giggling, and for a brief moment, you laugh too.

“’her hair reminds me of a spider web….it’s just so big…and it like never breaks…’” you laugh.

“’she reminds me of a very old tree…wise and somewhat tall’” Uraraka laughs.

“He does care you know…he wasn’t happy when he saw Akio, and he wasn’t…exactly nice either, Akio’s recovering in the medical room now…” oh.

You’re not quite sure what’s going on with Shoto at the moment, but when you figure it out, maybe you’ll finally be at peace with yourself, even if it’s only for a moment.

-

The next time you see Todoroki Shoto, he’s climbing through your window, and you barely heard the noise he was making due to you blasting Heather- by Conan Gray, crying out your heart.

“Shoto, what the hell?” You say, wiping your tears away.

“You weren’t answering your door so I decided to…” he points at the window.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” You says.

“’s okay,” he says, “anyway, we haven’t really talked about the confession lately, so I came here.”

“Oh, oh, right, should we continue with some movies? Or maybe practice it on me? Your choice, you’re the one confessing.”

“I just want to watch movies, I think.” You expected it.

“Do you have your notebook? Or your pen?”

“No.” You don’t ask why as you both continue to watch from where you last left off.

You both end up sleeping in your bed and running late for class that night, but (unbeknownst to you) in his eyes, it was worth it.

-

When you next meet Shoto, you’re with Momo, awkward tension filled in the air around you, and you don’t know what it is, but it’s almost worse than it was before you started discussing Shoto’s confession.

“So…It’s been a while since we’ve all hung out together…what’s new?” You ask, trying to ease the tension.

“What’s new is that you don’t seem to be acting like a best friend anymore.”

What?

“Momo, what do you mean?” You ask

“Best friends don’t date each other’s crushes.” Is she joking?

“I’m not…what?” You’re confused to the max right now, and Todoroki seems to not be able to say anything either.

“Forget it. I’m leaving.” Well, okay, then.

“I’m sorry, ___, I don’t know what’s wrong with her.” Before getting up and leaving as well.

And well, you’ve decided maybe going through all this effort to make sure Momo and Todoroki happy is just not worth it if it puts you at stake.

-

When you meet Todoroki next after the incident, it’s by the sea shore, you’re both sitting in the sand, a small wave coming by to touch your toes every few seconds. He’s shirtless, just wearing swimming trunks, and you’re in a black swimsuit, wearing Shoto’s shirt over it (it’s way too big for you but you’ll wear it because it’s his anyway).

“So tomorrow’s the day you finally tell her, huh,” you want to be happy for him…but you can’t.

“Yeah…something like that…” he sighs.

“I think you’ll be okay.” You tell him, “Just go with what you feel, even if it’s not perfect, at least it’s genuine.”

“Right.” Slowly, a smirk forms on Shoto’s face, his hand slowly reaching towards the water and splashing water all over you. Ah, so he wants war.

You splash water straight back at him, and he you, and it continues like this for a while until you both finally stop, giggles leaving your mouth and it makes you realise exactly why you love him.

You stare at him, eyes flickering down to his lips, and you just know…you need to know what it feels like to be loved by Shoto, even if it’s for a second, because after tomorrow, all hope would be lost for you.

Please don’t hate me, please don’t hate me, please don’t hate me, it’s all that’s ringing through your head as you push your lips against his, his hand coming up to grab your jaw, gently caressing your jaw line.

He’s kissing you back! He’s kissing you back! He’s…kissing you back…?

Surprisingly, he keeps it going, making the kiss deeper and deeper, and one kiss turns to two, two to three, and then finally you pull away, guilt coating your insides.

“I’m sorry,” you tell him.

“What was that for?” He asks

“Me. It was for me.” You pause, “What was that for?”

“Me. It was for me.”

-

Today’s the day, and the weather seems to really match your personality, it’s been raining since last night, and you don’t think it’s going to stop any time soon by the looks of it, but it’s okay…it’s not like you have school today anyway, and you’d rather stay at home today than run into Todoroki and Momo during their date, or worse; seeing them do some cute romantic couple-y shit.

You’ve come to terms with the fact that you’re probably never going to be a first choice, but it’s not that big of a deal, you had your moment with Shoto, and that’s all you really want for the time being, you’re satisfied.

Hours pass, you can’t bring yourself to get out of bed, instead just sitting up and reading a book, crying your eyes out as Rue dies in the Hunger Games.

You’re just reading the end of the book when you get a text from Shoto.

Hello, can you let me in?

You’re reluctant at first, assuming he just wants to tell you about Momo, but you begrudgingly lift yourself off your bed to open the door, not caring that you look like you have a hangover.

“Hi.” His gray and turquoise eyes stare down at you, your heart constricting and throat tightening at just his stare.

“Hi. How’d it go? Did you steal her heart?” You attempt to joke.

“…No, I think I broke it…” what? “Sit down, ___.” You take three long strides to sit down on your bed, pulling him along with you.

“What happened? I thought you wanted this?”

“I had to tell her the truth.”

“And what’s that?”

“That I don’t love her.”

“So I wasted two weeks on preparing you for this…for nothing?” You ask, you’ll never tell him, but you’re a little glad he broke her heart.

“Not for nothing…yesterday…when we…”

“Oh. Did I confuse you? Because you don’t need to worry about that, I know I should have asked, but I just wanted to know…what it felt like to be loved by you…”

“No, it’s okay, I enjoyed it, I mean obviously, I mean I was the one to continue it, and I mean I knew I wasn’t in love with Momo the first night when we were watching movies, but yesterday, I just knew I couldn’t go through with it,” your heart is beating violently in your chest, almost as if it’s threatening to jump out, “When you were telling me about how you were in love with a boy that loved Momo, it made me…it just irked me the wrong way, I don’t know why but I just knew that if I really loved Momo, it wouldn’t make me feel the way I did. And then at the restaurant…well you get it.”

“Shoto, what are you trying to tell me?” You breathe heavily, trying to control the breathing in your chest.

“I love you, no, I’m in love with you, I love Momo…but it’s nothing compared to how I feel towards you, and I think, even if you don’t return my feelings, I’m okay with that, because I don’t think I’ll be able to get rid of these feelings any time soon if not at all.”

“Well, I mean at least we know that my lessons worked on you,” you nervously laugh, he lets out a smile.

“So…do you?”

“I think…I love you, no, I’m in love with you,” you tease, squishing his cheeks as he laughs, “but you know…I heard you dealt with Akio.” Shoto stays quiet, a mild blush covering his cheeks. “You know, at first I thought it was a joke, but then I saw the bandages all the way up his arm in the hallways, and the broken leg…Shoto, what did you do?”

“It was Midoriya’s idea.”

“Mm, Midoriya barely talks to his girlfriend without stuttering, you really think he can break someone’s leg without being in a high-pressure situation?”

“He had it coming.”

“Do you even know what he did?”

“No, but from what I saw…he deserved it.”

“Shoto.”

“Mm?”

“Thank you for doing..what you did, even if I don’t like that you were violent.”

“…And I’d do it again.”

“Shoto-.”

-

You didn’t want to have to do this, but you think that the two of you deserve to talk it out.

You and Momo haven’t talked in three weeks, three weeks since you and Shoto became…well you don’t know what you are but it’s much closer than best friends at least, there’s no official label to it, but you’re content at the moment.

“Momo.” You call her name as soon as she sits down at your table.

“___.”

“It’s been a while.”

“Yeah. I think we should…look, I’m sorry I didn’t know, I would have backed off immediately if you had told me you’d been in love with him since the beginning,” Momo heaves, a crestfallen expression painted on her face.

“Momo, I’m sorry, I’m just so used to you having everything, I kind of wanted to have something for myself, I can’t tell you how much it hurt me when I saw him slowly falling in love with you, because I was hoping he’d be my little secret, something I didn’t have to share. I know it seems selfish, but I can’t help it.” You don’t want to cry, but something’s urging you.

“___, this is why…this is why I want you to be more vocal, I’ve known you’ve been insecure this whole time, but I didn’t want to say anything because…well, partially I liked all the attention I received, it was addicting and I felt good, I felt popular and special, but you suffered because of my selfish tendencies, and I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to do that, I didn’t mean to make you feel like that.” It hit you hard. So she knew? This whole time she knew?

“Momo, even I have to admit…it’s a little bit selfish, and it’s annoying, because this whole time I thought you genuinely didn’t know how I felt.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” she sighs, tears welling up in her eyes, “It feels so stupid now, I was so stupid, and the fact that I had a feeling you had feelings for Todoroki and I still decided to try my shot- you know, I had a feeling he liked you all along, from the moment I decided to talk to him, I’ll be honest with you, ___, I don’t think he ever liked me, or even loved me, those ‘lessons’ you two had were probably because he needed a reason to spend more time with you.” Momo had been selfish, at least you had figured that out, but you can’t deny how good it feels to finally be honest between the two of you, and with what she was telling you about Shoto- you had a feeling Todoroki had been lying a little, but the more you think about it; you hadn’t seen Shoto pick up his pen once during the films you watched, and if he did you surely never heard the sound of his pen scribbling away at the paper, the way he so awkwardly described Momo when you met up with Uraraka and Midoriya, and the way he was frustrated by Akio, and the way he so willingly kissed you back at the beach…you’re not sure if you’re looking too deep or not deep enough,

But that’s not what you need to be thinking about right now, right now, you and Momo need to set shit straight.

“___, I’m sorry, I love you, you’ll always be my best friend, whether or not you forgive me, I hope you know that I had no intentions to hurt you.”

“Yaoyorozu, maybe at some point, we can be friends again like we used to be, but for now, I want to keep some distance, I just want a little peace, I want to see what it’s like to be on my own.”

“O-Okay, that’s okay, I can do that, we can do that, thank you.”

“I love you, too, by the way.”

And you won’t forget the smile the smile that graces her face afterwards.

-

“So I heard…from my pet fish…that Todoroki Shoto, happened to have a crush on me before our lessons.”

“Does your pet fish happen to be called Yaoyorozu Momo?”

“Maybe…” You trail off, playing with Shoto’s red-white hair and placing kisses around his scar.

“I’m honestly surprised you didn’t figure it out sooner, I thought maybe it was obvious I was lying to you a little bit when I came to you three weeks ago.” A sweet sigh leaves Shoto’s lips as you pepper his face with kisses.

“Shoto, I couldn’t pick up the fact you liked me even after our kiss, also you called me a deflated whale when we first met, do you really think-”

“Does it really matter how long I liked you? I mean I thought it was obvious that this whole time I was using our lessons to spend more time with you, besides, even if I didn’t use our lessons for Momo, at least…at least they came in use at the end,” Shoto sits up and pulls out the notebook he brought with him the first time he came around, flipping through the pages showing you all his notes that seemed to be centred around you, and the terrible (don’t worry I won’t tell him you thought that) drawings of you he had attempted, it was so wholesome you thought you might burst into tears.

“Besides, asking why you looked like a deflated whale when you were sad was just an excuse to talk to you anyway. It kind of frustrated me when you started crying about how you were never someone’s first choice.”

“Why?” God you’re so clueless.

“Because you’ve always been my first choice, even if I didn’t show it.”