#also yes this is what my cryptic post earlier was about

[hamelinsnightmare]

Thank you for 1000 followers!!!

[imperator-titus]

Be My Juice Box Ch. 5

Giving posting this here another try because it's pretty popular over on Ao3! I already posted Chapters 1-4 before on this post.

Every morning, Rowan poked her finger into the dirt of her new plant. The days were getting shorter, so she didn’t expect to see much in the way of growth, but she still carefully inspected it every evening while doing her blood draw.

This brought her happiness.

Every night, while Rowan was tucked away in her bed, Astarion very gingerly touched one of the leaves of Rowan’s plant. He didn’t know what this accomplished other than sating some strange curiosity he had about it.

This brought him something a little close to happiness.

Eventually, she replaced the plain cup it was given to her in with a ceramic pot in the shape of a cat. Next to it she placed a small seasonal gourd that she picked up at the faerie market across the street.

Astarion scoffed when he saw it. It didn’t fit at all with the rest of the decor.

“Oh, how charming,” Gale remarked during one of his visits, picking up the plant and giving it a look-over.

“Of course you like it.”

“Come now, Astarion. It’s a good sign.” Astarion lifted an eyebrow. Gale chuckled as he put the plant down. “It means she’s comfortable here. Even after your little conflict.”

“I apologized,” Astarion said a little petulantly.

“Yes, well, you only get so many of those.”

After Gale left, Astarion regarded the kitchen windowsill once more.

Okay. Maybe it was a little cute. He could live with it. 

----

Astarion rarely got up so early that it overlapped with Rowan’s work. Most of the time, he was entering consciousness around the time she was making dinner, lazed around in his coffin for another hour or so, and then was ready to go out when she was winding down after dinner.

That day, he got up a little earlier and only lazed about for 30 minutes before rolling out of “bed.” 

“AAAAAAAGH FUUUUUUUUUCK!”

Astarion actually lifted out of his seat. The vanity he was sitting at rattled, proving this fact.

If he'd been in his coffin, he probably wouldn't have heard.

Astarion came down and poked his head cautiously around the doorframe of Rowan’s office. She sat at her desk, one hand over her eyes, the other holding her phone to her ear. Shaking her head, she sat up and saw him.

Yeah. He knew that look. Idiots, who didn’t know they were idiots, and in fact thought they knew better, were telling her idiotic things. She even moved the phone away from her ear, the tinny voice from the other end going unheard, the universal sign of “I am done with this person.”

Knowing that she was fine, he left her to her work.

Later, while he was doing his nails, his phone buzzed.

>I’m sorry for disturbing you. Normally you can’t hear me.

🐑🌳?<

>I’m fine, just being asked to do the impossible, same old

Nails drying, Astarion thought. Hard. 

Acts of kindness did not come easily to him, but Gale recently gave him a lecture (affectionate) about how actions had meaning. This included a long list of suggestions for things he could do or say that might positively impact their relationship. Also warnings of things that might upset their delicate balance.

He needed Rowan to feel wanted. Not physically, Gale corrected sternly when Astarion made a comment that she wasn’t his type. She belonged in his space and he needed to show her that. She should be able to ask for help. She should be able to tell him when she was uncomfortable.

Otherwise, she would feel alienated from the world around her, or even herself, and feel beholden to set aside her self for his wishes.

Astarion could understand that. That had been his life for centuries.

In some ways, that was still his life.

Carefully tapping out a message with the tip of his fingers, he gave up his usual cryptic style of communicating for something more clear. Much like Gale, she could understand him, but they were much more forthcoming when he spoke their language.

Would you like to come out with me this evening? To let off steam, I mean.<

He watched in trepidation as the screen indicated she was typing. And then wasn’t. And then was typing again.

>It’s kind of you to offer, but that’s not really my thing. Thanks for asking! I have things I want to do around the house today. Have fun!

In her office, Rowan had her face in her hands, her ears burning red.

She, too, had been thinking about a lecture (affectionate) that Gale had given her.

----

Like most “creatures of the night,” Astarion didn’t like going out in the daytime. This was easier to avoid as the days got shorter, but the sun would rise eventually.

There was a subtle pain nestled behind his left eye as he walked home. Did he have too much to drink? Was he just tired from being out past sunrise? Who knows.

Thankfully, he could look as horrible as he felt under the safety of the hood and veil that protected him from the sun.

When he got home, he found a door open, spilling light into the hall. This door had gone unnoticed for perhaps the entire time he’d lived there.

It led to a basement. Snaking up the stairs came the sound of music and a rhythmic whirring and scraping.

Was this how it all ended? His home invaded by some crazed killer, some self-proclaimed vampire hunter with delusions of grandeur? Down there, ceremoniously butchering his donor?

“Oh, hey,” Rowan said breathlessly with a smile. Sweat glistened as it ran down the side of her face and down her chest.

Astarion had never seen so much of her skin.

The point being, she was fine.

He watched, a little bit in shock, as she stopped her exercising to give him her full attention. She even pressed the button on top of her little speaker to pause the high-octane music she’d been listening to.

“You just get back?” she asked, wiping off her sweat with a towel. Even over the ever-present smell of a basement, he could smell it. The notes of her unique biology that he could taste in her blood. Her.

“Yes,” Astarion answered simply, teasing off the fingertips of his gloves so they would come off more easily. “I didn’t realize you came down here.”

Rowan’s mild happiness retreated. “Oh, is that a problem? I’m sor-”

Astarion held up a still-gloved hand, cutting off her apology. “I didn’t mean it that way. You’re free to do- Whatever it is you’re doing.”

“I was looking for some things and found this,” ‘this’ being a row-machine, “which I thought I got rid of. Figured I’d get back in the saddle.”

“Well, don’t let me keep you,” he said with a subtle smile, waving his gloves about in a flamboyant gesture as he turned to leave.

“Good night,” Rowan responded with a little laugh.

Tiredness was overcoming him, but Astarion decided to grab a bag of blood anyway. It was frankly awful, but he’d sip it straight out of the bag cold as he trudged up to his room.

On the kitchen island were some more ceramic pots, empty. They looked used, but freshly washed and drying. Perhaps those were the things she was looking for. He gave them a cursory inspection before breaking the seal on his “midnight snack” and heading for bed.

As he passed her rooms, something caught his eye.

She had started decorating. Just little things, like leaving trinkets around or propping up pictures.

Astarion wanted to snoop so badly. But, he knew that if she caught him in her space without permission, they would be back to square one, which he was already lucky not to be at after his master’s voice came out of his mouth.

So, he moved on.

When he got up later, he passed by again, stopping only because she was inside. Looking up from a box of her things, she gave him a small smile and a soft “hey.” 

She was listening to music, the kind of stuff that was supposed to be “subversive,” music he’d hear in clubs for humans who pretended they were creatures of the night. It was odd to hear it out of context, to see someone just… enjoying it, bobbing along with its beat, happily singing a line under their breath. 

It somehow annoyed him to know she liked that sort of thing and also… she was different.

Rowan noticed him lingering at the threshold, so clearly wishing to step forward. “You can come in, if you want.”

He wanted, so he did.

The furniture in the room was very “traditional,” mostly because it came with the place when he bought it forever ago when that was “modern.” Her things clearly didn't match, but they were… mostly tasteful. She was clearly considering them and their place.

Figurines, interesting rocks or shells, a specimen of a beetle. Photos, predominantly landscapes, reprints of art, some clearly handmade pieces.

She apparently really liked owls. There was a small cluster of frogs.

But what caught his attention most were the gnomes.

Not modeled after real gnomes, of course. They were an old folklore type of gnome, with big round noses and bushy beards or braids, their round stout bodies accentuated by tall pointy hats.

They came in many forms. They had themes. He could see boxes of them, but the ones that were out were fall and Halloween themed. A lot of oranges and yellows and browns. One was holding a little bat.

“Something wrong?” Rowan asked, watching with keen interest as he picked one of the little dolls up. It was green and had a nice heft to it, which Astarion tested by gently tossing it up and down in one hand.

“You have very curious tastes.”

Perhaps he didn’t use quite the right tone, because she looked a little hurt by this statement. Astarion did mean something by it. But it wasn’t supposed to upset her.

She snatched the creature from him and carefully fixed the little tangles he’d made in the beard or the particular way she wanted the hat’s point to be crooked. Then, as if placing a holy relic in its dedicated spot, she put it back where he found it.

“It looks nice in here,” he partially lied, putting a light laugh on top of his words. “Like someone actually lives here, for once.”

Her back turned to him, she sniffled. “Thanks.”

Oh. Tears. Astarion wasn’t prepared for tears.

“Well, I should go,” he said rather quickly, obviously trying to leave before this got worse. Already halfway into the hall, he called unconvincingly over his shoulder, “Good night!”

Well, that didn’t go well.

----

The plant had re-awakened a lot of things in Rowan that, at first, made her feel foolish.

After talking to Gale and thinking about the situation further, she felt less foolish.

It occurred to her that she only felt foolish because she’d been conditioned to hide herself. It even took her a while to stop hiding things she liked to do from her husband and capitulating to his non-existent desires when it came to things like decorating the space around her.

When he died, it was like all the progress had reset. Her space became boring and sparse. Looking at the things that once made her happy made her ashamed and sad and she put them away.

Then she moved and felt that everything must stay the way Astarion left it. But then she got tired of looking at bare walls and empty shelves.

It started with her idea to look through her boxes for an old Halloween costume to use for Gale’s party. She hadn’t actually confirmed if it was a costume party and, in fact, would later question this assumption, seeing as she couldn’t imagine Astarion inviting her to a costume party.

Nonetheless, she went through her things, neatly packed away in Astarion’s forgotten basement. She found her row machine and resolved to start working out again, to get out some of the frustrations of work. With her costume, she found some of her decorations and spent some time just digging through the wreckage of her old life.

Some things stayed down there, things that she wasn’t ready to look at again, but she figured, why not put some stuff out? It’s not like Astarion cared about what she did in her rooms. 

Like the plant, this made her happy.

Rowan didn’t really like the way Astarion was looking at her things, but per Gale’s advice, she reminded herself that his face didn’t always reflect his thoughts.

Then he picked something up and it was like he knew it was the one thing that would upset her.

The first thing that reminded her of her late husband that she felt comfortable taking out.

He couldn’t have known that, Rowan told herself. And it was okay to be a little upset.

After taking a moment to do some deep breaths, she went back to sorting through her things.

[saintmeghanmarkle]

Meghan Markles Dog Guys Broken Legs prove they faked their engagement footage for Netflix by u/somespeculation

Meghan Markle’s Dog Guy’s Broken Legs prove they faked their engagement footage for Netflix Meghan Markle’s dog Guy made two appearances in their Netflix shows before he died. In announcing his death on her not yet week old active Instagram, Meghan writes, “because many of you will now see Guy in this new series, I hope you’ll come to understand why I am so devastated by his loss.”Since Meghan filmed not in her house, but a rental property, she presumably brought him to set.Regardless of how one feels about Meghan Markle, it is very sad to lose a beloved pet. Onto Guy and the Netflix engagement: When and how did H&M really get engaged?​The official engagement story is a cozy event in Nott Cott roasting a chicken early in Oct 2017.[Transcript from Engagement Interview] https://ift.tt/pO75lb1 lie/tidbit here is if they were dating a year and a half, this solidly puts her cheating on Corey with H. Check out my post on fact checking their first date for receipts and details* https://archive.ph/qWSdF​BUT: Were they already engaged before the official story they told?Perhaps Harry proposed earlier without asking the Queen’s permission. Like in August, months earlier, as per Finding Freedom.https://archive.ph/iJvT3​Perhaps this tracks due to his impulsivity and fear of losing her; wanting to lock it down. It also would explain why he was reluctant to ask the Queen’s permission. Imagine already being secretly engaged and then risking being told “no” or “not yet”. It would also explain why he was mystified by her cryptic response, “I suppose I have to say yes.” (Especially if the Queen’s sources had already told her this had happened.)Perhaps this forced the Palace to approve of the ‘official’ engagement since it was a done deal already.Perhaps the secret engagement was an idea not so subtle planted by Meghan as ‘something special and romantic for just them’ before involving the family. It sounds like an awfully similar set up to the “just for us” secret three day early ‘wedding’.It would also partially explain Harry’s odd comments implying their engagement interview was orchestrated, and basically fake. However, the BBC then called Harry’s comments false. It's likely both of them were press trained for it, but it still doesn't explain the differing engagement story accounts...Proof from the BBC and Harry’s comments:https://ift.tt/F67bGKV what does the dog's broken legs have to do with it? Here's another alternate engagement that doesn't match THEIR OWN previous accounts...Now for Guy the dog’s broken legs:Here’s the unexpected twist. In the Netflix doc, Guy’s legs are broken during the proposal. But multiple articles indicate the dogs legs were broken “shortly after their engagement announcement”.So: It appears they staged a third proposal/fake reenactment for Netflix content in Nott Cott??This would explain why the engagement interview talks about it being a complete surprise to the point where she even is so flustered she forgets about the ring. BUT - in the Netflix doc, Meghan is filmed whispered phone call to the friend “Jess” (IIRC) that “it’s happening!” . Meghan then goes outside and Harry is there with Guy in casts.​​https://preview.redd.it/s3x882v599ka1.png?width=381&format=png&auto=webp&s=75cca517002b041607ff5b9eb548e6f961662844https://preview.redd.it/zalb7qu799ka1.png?width=367&format=png&auto=webp&s=ac6f5091eaf1d0e9e57bbc4d93787c5843c352aa​[Confirmation his Legs were Broken After] https://ift.tt/ZYOxbSv were they really engaged? Which version is true? post link: https://ift.tt/Bzy5UHw author: somespeculation submitted: January 08, 2025 at 01:39AM via SaintMeghanMarkle on Reddit disclaimer: all views + opinions expressed by the author of this post, as well as any comments and reblogs, are solely the author's own; they do not necessarily reflect the views of the administrator of this Tumblr blog. For entertainment only.

[dribs-and-drabbles]

Vice Versa ep 11

Much like Puen and Talay shifting back to their original universe (ou) this week, the show made a clear design shift. Before the ep, I was eagerly awaiting red - so much Red - in the clothes, in the lighting, in the set and in the props...so I felt bereft when we didn't get it. It felt strange, as though this ep didn't seem to belong in the same 'world' that the series had set up over the past 10 eps...and of course it didn't!...because we weren't in the alternate universe (au) anymore...we're now back in the ou. Of course it would be different.

But I didn't realise this at first.

At first I didn't understand. I missed the look and feel of the show that I had gotten used to over the past ten weeks. I wanted the vibrancy of the multi-coloured palettes, the saturation of single colours throughout the scenes. I was sad the show had changed and I couldn't, at first, find reasoning to it. But then I did - I realised I was basically being made to feel how Talay and Puen (and probably Pakorn and Tess) must have been feeling to have left somewhere that they had gotten to know and love. Their bereftness was also my bereftness. My sadness that I didn't get all. the. red. was their sadness to leave the lives they had lived for two years.

And what a perfect way to emphasise this change from one thing to the next - the end of one thing and the beginning of the next - than Fuse's (maybe final, if we don't see him again) t-shirt, "SUNDAY". Incidentally, the colour attributed to Sunday in Thailand is also, yes, you guessed it, RED.

Despite it being the red episode, there was actually a lot of blue and yellow (see Aou above and Pakorn below for examples). I can reason blue could be because of Talay but the yellow I'm not so sure about (I come back to this later!). The very first shot of the ep is of Pakorn in the blue and yellow windbreaker...but in the ambulance Puen has changed to the other actor's top. Now, this could just be a continuity error...but it could also be very deliberate and I want to know why. (It could I suppose have been that before going into the ambulance they changed Puen out of his wet top and put him in the dry one of his co-star...but that doesn't seem like a likely scenario in an emergency):

But back to red...and the red we did get was small and subtle - one could say 'normal' amounts of a colour that we'd expect in our everyday lives. Perhaps to show that Puen and Talay are back to their 'normal' lives in their universe (albeit changed by Tess and Pakorn). @talaypuens wrote a fabulous post looking at this understated use of red, about how the red both represents Puen (in Thai, red = "daeng" - which sounds like how Talay kept drawing out the the name 'Dang' which he used for Tun in jest - and which can translate to being 'famous' or a 'celebrity'), and also as a symbol of things preventing Talay and Puen from getting to each other - literally as a 'stop sign'.

I loved Talay's time at the beach in particular, because we not only have the cryptic blue and yellow (of the fisherman's t-shirt and Talay's shirt) in the daytime but when Talay finally gets to the island at night, he's wearing a pastel red linin shirt. Maybe because on one hand he's closer to being with Puen again, but on the other hand the pink, along with the different blues of the sky, sea, and fisherman's t-shirt, and the slightly orangey-red of the boat, make up the 'Sea palette' that Puen named in ep 7.

The same colours which are in the painting beside Talay's bed as soon as he gets home:

I won't go through all the red instances (because @talaypuens did that in their post linked above)...but I'll just point out two which weren't included. First in the cinema, with Puen's pink beside Talay, the red behind...and Gyo in a blend of their colours beside him (red+blue=purple):

And earlier with Talay's friend group (miraculously accepting him back after a two-year estrangement). Just look at all that blue and yellow!

In their post, @talaypuens points out that there's a push and pull of the universe trying to get Talay and Puen together and this is shown in the the form of green vs red - the green "nature/set is organically telling them where they will eventually end up (the glass house), but the artificial inserts of red also is STOPPING them from letting it happen". And we see as the ep goes on that more and more of the screen is taken over by the green...which I realise now is made from mixing yellow and blue...so that could be the reason those colours are more prevalent in the beginning of the ep and less so after the green itself takes over. The above friend scene is one of the last ones with yellow in it, as is the greeny-yellow jacket of the interviewer in the following scene. Blue and yellow pop back again briefly in the cinema as Talay is rushing back to try to see Puen:

And then Talay and Puen finally meet at the glass house...which is full of green...but also both are wearing dark blue, and the fairy lights bringing in the yellow. Everything adds up to green. Everything is screaming GO. Finally.

But before we get the reunion, Talay reaches out to the pinky-red plant in the cage, perhaps representing Puen or their love (pink is them remember) but whilst they've been estranged from each other they are trapped, stunted, unable to grow and develop to their full potential. Or maybe the plant represents everything from the alternate universe and how it's shut away from them, unreachable, and potentially slowly dying...as memories do when they fade away...? @grapejuicegay also made some wonderful interpretations about this here: "Puen trapped back in this universe when Talay had to struggle to make his way back, Puen trapped behind the wall of fame that is keeping them from meeting".

And so we get to the end and this below, this was the only moment I felt we were back to the 'world' of Vice Versa. In Puen's bedroom, with the pink and blue feel of the lighting (along with that pop of golden light) that the past two eps have been leaning on so strongly. I felt a comfort, a familiarity, a sense of 'this is where we belong'...very much like Talay and Puen must be feeling to finally be back within each other's orbit, no?

And so for next week...I've done a lot of theorising already about the final ep colour and right now I don't think I could guess from the preview, so I'll just keep it to what I'd like it to be -> either a blue (for Talay) or a 'sea green' (to match the ocean blue) or silver (because of the moon reference we got in the preview), or even a violet/purple for @grapejuicegay 💜

These little easter eggs (the colour-wheel clock and artwork on the wall) might also be telling us that it's a light colour...or just giving us a red herring because the show has either purposefully left it blank or used two slightly different shades so as not to spoil it...we'll soon see!

'Transparent' has also been suggested (by @demichirua), which I like because Talay has been carrying a transparent bag this ep, but also because, as @grapejuicegay said: "the barriers between the universes are sort of clearing up for them" (if they do universe-hop again as the preview is leading us to believe).

Anyway, never trust a Thai trailer/preview...so I'm hoping they are just leading us on and that they won't actually switch universes again. There's a lot to suggest that they do universe-hop - Talay doesn't have his glasses on in one cafe scene (and in the bathroom and in bed), so it could be in the au, and sometimes Puen and Talay are wearing clothes more in the style of Pakorn and Tess...

But, there's a lot to suggest they also don't universe-hop - Talay has his glasses on even in scenes where their clothes look more like from the au (they could have just bought similar clothes in the ou because they've gotten used to them) and he also has his glasses on when he has the Friend Credits folder and when it looks like he meets Aou (who could be someone else in the ou like with Joe/Pramote -> @grapejuicegay here I go with my clown Dol agenda again because what if Dol makes it back and he looks like Aou in the original universe!). Remember, similar objects/locations exist in both universes...

[Ep 1] [Ep 2] [Ep 3] [Ep 4] [Ep 5] [Ep 6] [Ep 7] [Ep 8] [Ep 9] [Ep 10] [Ep 11] [Ep 12]

[k3rm1e]

hi love,

what about a short reader, like really short (i’m 5’0 lol) meeting ranboo irl for the first time. they get kinda intimidated by the height difference and their love language is physical touch so once they do feel better standing near ranboo it’s like the exact opposite, so now they’re all over him as if he was monkey bars.

also if you do end up using this could you tag me? i really wanna read it as soon as it comes out♥️

playground

hi love,

what about a short reader, like really short (i’m 5’0 lol) meeting ranboo irl for the first time. they get kinda intimidated by the height difference and their love language is physical touch so once they do feel better standing near ranboo it’s like the exact opposite, so now they’re all over him as if he was monkey bars.

also if you do end up using this could you tag me? i really wanna read it as soon as it comes out♥️

hi!! sorry this has taken a while, i am shit at scheduling (like really bad lmao) but i hope you like it anyways!!

cw: cursing 

playground:

  sitting in the airport, you waited for ranboo and his parent’s to pick you up. the california heat was absolutely miserable, burning you up. everyone in the airport seemed miserable, covered in the slick of sticky sweat. leaning your head over the back of your chair, you stared at the fluorescent lights.

  seeing someone shouting your name you picked your head up, only to flop it back down. how fucking tall was that kid…? would he crush you? stomp on you like a large goblin man? take you with his long arms and kidnap you, like slenderman? seriously, what the fuck were his parents feeding that kid????

  after a few more seconds of indulging your strange thoughts of the possible cryptids ranboo may be related to ((mothman possibly??) please?), he walked over and stuck his head over yours.

  “hello!” he stared at you from above, your brain racing with ‘tall man… tall man scary. but tall man friend…? confuse brain: ACTIVATE’ .

  “uh, hello ranboo.” you went to pick your head up from over the back of your chair, clashing skulls with ranboo. tall man = threat. 

  sitting on the floor you held your head, wishing you could simply evaporate in the sky and then be rained down on the earth. maybe droplet-you would land somewhere colder, like greenland. or alaska. knowing your luck, you’d probably enter the fiery pits of a volcano. maybe a desert. life is a misery of pain cursing you to feel the heat radiating of the sun. your existence was the explosion of one of the endless stars occupying outer space.

  “uh, you okay there? you’ve been sitting there for a few minutes now.” when you didn’t respond, ranboo made a confused noise. “i didn’t concuss you, did i?”.

  “no, no you did not.” finally coming back to earth, you looked at ranboo. sure, you had known he was 6’6'' but the knowledge of his height was not the same as seeing him in person. you would just barely reach his height if you sat on the shoulders of a small child. even then, you would still be shorter, as the small child would be flailing around. heh. small children are funny.

  standing up, you walked next to ranboo. with any other person you would be running to hug them. you had finally met one of your best friends, why weren’t you bursting at the seems. the simplest explanation for that is that he is so much taller when your next to him. thought he could crunch you like goblin earlier? wrong. you are jack and he is the beanstalk.

  while he moved his arms for a hug, you patted his arms in a way that felt cryptic. ranboo, already accepting your strangeness, patted you back. after the arm-patting-friendship-initiation ceremony,  you walked to the car. time to leave the stuffy airport.

  throughout the entire car ride, you sat as far from ranboo as you could. when he slid closer to you to show you something funny, whether it was on tiktok or twitter, you tried to press yourself into the car door. yeah, you might’ve been over reacting but who cares? he was a foot and a half taller than you, were you supposed to welcome him with open arms? if anything, it's good you were afraid. it means your survival systems were still (somehow) intact and working properly.

  once you arrived at the house, ranboo gave you your very own tour. within this tour, a pool was shown. a pool that would become your very new home. it was already decently late, which caused the enforcement of sleep. while you each went to your own rooms, you snuck out. pool time, as an escape from the blistering heat.

  in the dark of the night, you jumped in the pool, ignoring the noise you made. finally, a reprieve from the merciless, miserable heat. “finally, sweet, sweet, cool water.” you let our a pleased sigh, reclining in the pool, floating on the surface and lightly kicking your feet.

  with a quick end to your relaxation period, ranboo put his head through his window. “why are you in the pool?? its like two in the morning??” he stared down at you and you stared back. subconsciously, you moved further away from the house.

  “... hot. i wanted a reprieve from the rise of hell.”

  ranboo laughed and yelled back to you. “yeah, i expected that. i’ll be down soon.”

  you yelled back a “wha-!” but he had already moved away from the window. he was coming down there to what? join you in the pool with his tall-ness?

  you heard the back door slide open and out came ranboo. it seemed he also did not have the energy to change, both of you in normal clothing. Running torwars the pool, he jumped in, covering you in water.

  “oh my god! jesus! why is it so cold?!?” his head popped up and he was trying to push all his hair out his face. while he swan towards you, you backed away. he paused. “look, i don’t know if you’re playing some prank on me or whatever, but why are you acting so scared of me? seriously, i was super excited to meet you and i understand if you’re tired, but what’s your deal right now?”.

  you stared at him in silence. breaking the awkward silence, ranboo sighed and went to leave the pool. “... you’re too tall.” you muttered.

  “what?” ranboo turned around and stared at you.

  you sighed, accepting your fate. “you’re too tall. you’re like, a whole foot taller than me.”.

  he stared at you before breaking into laughter. “are you kidding me? seriously? that is NO reason to be scared i’m not gonna hurt you.”.

  you threw your head back. “i knowwww.”.

  ranboo started dying laughing, and soon enough you joined him. breaking out in a coughing fit, you stared at him. “i know, i’m an idiot.” you moved from the corner of the pool and moved near ranboo.

  “yeah, yeah, you are.” ranboo stared laughing at you and you could see him scheming.

  “no. no. nonononononono.” ranboo picked you up and through you into the water as hard as he could. swimming up as fast as you could, you saw him grinning like a fox. “you bitch!”.

  this started a disaster, of splashing each other and throwing people in the water. grabbing pool floaties, you both fell asleep in the water.

  the next morning your behaviors were a bit different.  “ranbooooo. i’m bored. hang out with me.” laying on his floor under an air conditioner, you looked at ranboo as he was editing a new video. from the corner of your eye, you could see a phone pointing at you. he better not post anything on tiktok.

  “i’m editing.” he smiled and kept looking at the screen, ignoring you.

  “like i give a shit. let’s go out. get ice cream.”

  knowing you would never shut up, ranboo gave in to your idiocy. “alright…”.

  quickly getting up, you forced him to take you to the ice cream shop, holding his hand all the way. arriving at the shop, ranboo was forced to pay for both cones.

  smiling, you chuckled. “gold digger…” you heard him mutter.

  sitting at the benches, you leaned your head on his shoulder. “so, what caused this change in personality?” ranboo leaned his head over to look at you.

  “nghhhhh;;;;;;; no.” you laughed at him, knowing you were frustrating him.

  “so you just magically decided i could be a replacement for a playground?”

  “i just got an idea! let’s go to the park! we can play on the playground.” ranboo sighed. you were the embodiment of :3, and definitely a handful.

finally this is out!! i hope you liked this, even though its late. very late… yes! But i hope you enjoyed this. side question - what’s everyone’s favorite ice cream flavor? personally, i always get superman from ice cream shops but strawberry from cartons.

tagged ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@feverish-dove

[ontowanderlust]

SYPNOSIS. What do you do when you couldn't find the right words to say? You express yourself through different means, of course. But what about years worth of things left unsaid? Well then, what better way to do so than express it through a mixtape, right?

PROMPT. Prompt #23 [The Way You Said "I Love You"]: Through a song

TROPES. S2F2L; Idiots in love; Slow Burn; Two timelines; Non-linear storylines

WC. 19k words. (Longest fic of mine as of the late. Yes, I am so happy and satisfied. 😌)

WARNINGS. Unedited; Grammatical errors; This fic is written in tagalog so most of the story won't make sense to some; Slow burn. You know what that means, folks. [angst. lots of it.]

NOTES. I had been contemplating whether to post it here or in wordpress but since I've gotten too used to tumblr's features, I chose to post it here under this account. Forgive me as it's been a while since I last used this style of writing [I call this one: my wattpad-ish style] so if you see any inconsistencies in grammar or if it's a bit clumsier, you know why. This fic is also a commissioned piece- some parts are written in tagalog so please bear with me, non-filo tumblr users.

DEDICATION. There is beauty in stories. It’s where you can escape when reality hits too hard. And while people may not know it but sometimes, all we ever need are just little opportunities for an escape. Just for a little bit. And so this is for you, dearest. Belated happy birthday. Hope it's worth the wait.

She must've been really tired than what she had expected because for some reason, the counter that separates the living room and kitchen had been void of clutter.

Why, earlier this morning, she couldn't even take a glimpse of the marble top of that same counter since she and her roommate just loved dumping all of their stuff there. So we could see our stuff easier, Rianne had reasoned out. Oh the irony.

So why is she looking at a clutter free counter?

Taking a step forward, her eyes narrowed as she found a single parcel lying on the counter with her name written on it.

Was Rianne trying to prank her again? Hasn’t she learn her lesson last month?

Before she could even spiral down her thoughts, the phone in her hand buzzed with a message from the devil herself.

What the hell.

Furrowing her eyebrows, she reached over the post it note stuck on the parcel, confusion written all over her face.

You know how I'm shit at expressing my thoughts so I figured, if I can't tell you directly, what better way than to tell you the best way I know how, right?

Kinda old school, but here's a mixtape of some of the music I found myself listening into these past few months. I hope they convey what this heart of mine can't.

So. Will you listen?

Despite the nondisclosure of the sender's identity, the neat handwriting had given it away. Scoffing to herself, she swiped the parcel from the counter, pushing all rampaging emotions deep down.

The nerve of this guy to send cryptic parcels and vague post its when he hadn't even bothered staying in contact after graduation. Ano, wala lang sa kanya yung pinagsamahan nila? Ah so that's how it is, huh?

Come to think of it, it's quite weird that Rianne seemed to know a thing about this package even if her message says otherwise. Was she still in speaking terms with Cj? Not to be that person but she would've thought Rianne would be the last person Cj would get in contact with. After all, it wasn't a secret that the two had acted civilly just for her sake.

So- since when are they close enough that Rianne would willingly let her roommate borrow one of her prized possessions? Was there something she missed?

Traipsing her way to her roommate's room, she ignored the way her stomach would flutter as she searched for Rianne's vintage speaker- the one gifted to her by her boyfriend- which is kinda odd that she would let her borrow it considering all the times she tried telling her friend multiple times that owning a vintage item would be the start of every horror films.

Ah but then again, this is Rianne and if her friend's in need, she would still let them borrow her stuff- despite the slander she had spoken against that speaker.

Heaving out a small sigh, she gingerly took the speaker before going to her room, unwrapping the parcel only to find a single cassette.

Well. Only one way to find out then.

-=-

Now Playing: Atin ang Mundo 0:46 ─ㅇ─────── 4:13

Paglingon ikaw agad ang nakita, di maiiwasan na ikaw ay titigan.

He noticed her first.

Oh how he noticed her in a room full of people whose attention had either been towards one of his friends who had been cracking jokes in his abnormally (affectionate) loud voice or the group of people arguing about the latest gossip just in front of them.

She always chose the second row, right wing of the room, aisle seat which baffled him at first because- who would want to sit in the professor's line of sight where the probability of getting called during recitations were at high rate- only to understand where her sentiments lie when he realized just how soft spoken this professor was. Should he switch seats as well? It’s not like he’s learning anyway, right?

That, and he had learned from someone that she had poor eyesight, something he inwardly winced at. This professor of theirs is not only soft spoken that he suspected only dogs could hear that decibel level but they also wrote in miniscule lettering. Nagtitipid ba ‘to ng space or what?

Despite their professors obvious flaws, it’s not worth exchanging seats, nope.

Actually, he'd prefer if he is seated two rows behind her just... because. That could mean a lot of reason, right? Not just the fact that his interest on her grew each passing day, nope. Maybe it could mean that he just doesn't want to answer the professor's questions or maybe it could mean that he wanted to play mobile games discreetly.

See, there could be a lot of reasons he could make up on why he always always chose to sit on the fifth row, left wing of the room, second chair to the aisle and no, it's not because he had been staring at the girl with ridiculously huge glasses that it framed half of her face, weird hair style that could use just a little bit of brushing or iron- whichever she prefers, no judgment there- and a permanent glare that often sends people running to the opposite side of the room or- from what he had heard, gives them the ominous chill (trademarked) that often gets associated with psychopaths.

Truthfully, the moment he had set foot in this department, there had already been rumors circulating around and more often than not, it sounds terrible and paints her a not so good image.

But if she were terrible, he mused, his head unconsciously tilting. Then shouldn't she be shunned instead? From what he could tell, she had at least three friends by her side. And from what he had gathered, two of those friends of hers happen to have good reputation for themselves, in terms of academics that is. Though, it’s not like she’s a problematic student when it comes to academics, that he could see. But perhaps, her reputation as someone unapproachable painted her in a bad light.

So which among her rumors are true then? Oh how he wis-

Before he could even spiral down his thoughts, he could feel a sharp jab to his side making him glare at the person beside him who had this annoying knowing look on his face.

"Baka matunaw," his friend gently warned, chuckling at the automatic eye roll he had earned from him. "Seriously, CJ, you're wasting your time with that fleeting interest of yours." he continued, knowing what- or rather, who's consuming his thoughts.

Cj hummed, a small smile slowly creeping across his mouth albeit the annoyed expression he is currently sporting. "Who said anything about fleeting interest?"

His friend's amused expression quickly morphed into bemusement, exasperation seeping through his eyes. "I'm telling you this now, nothing good will come if you associate yourself with her. I'm trying to save you from becoming the object of her piercing glare."

"She's not Medusa, you know."

"She might as well be,"

Scoffing, he jerked his head slightly towards the girl who had been sitting beside their subject who is now being engaged into a small talk.

"See, hindi naman nagiging bato si ate girl na kausap niya." he argued, earning a small groan from his friend. "Makes me wonder... do you think I won't turn into stone if it were me to talk to her?"

His friend stared at him for a bit, shoulders shrugging in defeat as he heaved out a sigh. Sometimes, he just couldn’t understand what goes in his friend’s mind. "You're going to talk to her nevertheless, aren't you?"

Grinning, he let out a small chuckle. "Better yet, I'm gonna befriend her."

-=-

"The first time I saw you," she jumped at the suddenness of his voice as she stared at Rianne's speaker, wondering if it was one of those possessed shit they usually see in horror movies. (How many times had she been telling her roommate that owning shit like this would most likely result to haunting? Or worse, possession?)

"You were an urban legend. People don't like you because of your piercing gaze. Kala nga nila nun you were the embodiment of Medusa."

The fucker had the audacity to laugh. What the fuck. If it weren't for the fact that she didn't know where he lived, she would've choked him to death. She could only imagine his amused look as he record this shitty of a commentary.

"My friends told me not to get involved. They told me I'm wasting my time. And siguro, at the time I do like challenges or maybe it's because I'm bored but I told them I'm gonna befriend you."

"You, out of all the people enrolled in Doc Hina's class."

-=-

Now Playing: Fine Time 0:13──ㅇ─────3:02

I hope we could spend more time together, a few hours is better than never. If we could only make it longer, a whole day would be fine.

"Nandito ka na naman?" oh if looks could only kill, he would've been six feet under by now.

They really weren't kidding about how her glare could pierce even the sturdiest material known to man, huh? But of course, what an exaggeration it was for how can he still be alive with all the glares she had thrown his way?

Or baka masamang damo lang talaga ako, he mused as he gave her his most charming grin (try: annoying shit eating grin that could most likely earn him a punch or two) as he sat down next to her, waving to their silent audience of one (the same girl who he learned was a dear friend of Monique) who looked all too amused with what was going on.

"Didn't I say I was gonna see you again soon?" he asked in response to her question albeit her rude tone. "And besides, I did say that I wanted to be your friend and friends hang out so..." he purposely dragged his words as he gestured to the review materials he had oh so graciously placed on their table.

Looking at her, his expression morphed into an all too pleading one. "...let me review with you?"

"No." not even missing a beat, she gave him her most deadpanned look as she went back to reading while at his peripheral view, Rianne's mouth pressed into thin line, obviously hiding her amusement at the on-going conversation.

Normally, this is where people usually give up, retreating with their tails tucked in between their legs but not him. If anything, this had just spurred him to do better.

And do better, he shall.

"Ah but as you can see," he purposely let out a small sigh, earning a raised eyebrow from the girl across them while Monique simply ignored him. "All of the tables are occupied and yours is the only one that could accommodate one more person."

"So?"

"I'm saying wouldn't it be better for you guys to share this table since you still have space and all?"

"Both of us are claustrophobic. Adding one more person to this table is an invasion of our personal bubble."

A small snicker in front had her jerking her knee to kick her friend on her shin, causing the table to jerk slightly.

Staring at the unbothered girl, he decided to lean forward, catching her attention as she looked up at him partly surprised and partly annoyed. "Didn't you just hear what I said? What part of it did you not understand?"

"The part where you said you were both claustrophobic. Why, if I recall correctly, don’t you two hug on a regular basis as a form of greeting? So, hindi ba ‘invasion of personal bubble’ yung ginagawa niyo?" he asked, making her eyes widen. For a second there, he swore he had seen one of her eyes twitched at his remark but maybe that was just a trick of the light?

Gotcha.

Her jaw dropped as her eyes squinted in suspicion. "Were you watching us? Are you a fucking creep?"

"I was merely pointing out my observation. Besides, creepy na ba agad kung lagi niyong ginagawa yun sa public space?" he countered as he leaned back, mouth curling into a smug smile when he saw her falter with her words.

"Yes it's creepy," she fired back, her reading materials now abandoned in favor of him. "No one would willingly watch random people go about with their daily activities. Especially not with us."

"Why's that?" he hummed as he placed his elbow on top of the table, cheek resting on his palm. "Look, I just want to sit with you guys, is that too much of a bother?"

"Yes. Kanina ka pa sagabal, actually. Learn to take a hint, will you?" waving her hands in a shooing motion, she then gave him a scathing look. "So please lang, pwede bang lumayas ka na? We're not comfortable with having a stranger sit with us."

"Why didn't you say so? "Yun lang naman pala eh." Brightening, he managed to find his opening as his hand straight up took hers, vigorously shaking it. "The name's Christian pero hindi ako mabait eh so just call me Cj."

Oh how he wished he had his camera with him. With the stunned look on her face, he could only imagine her thoughts are filled with nothing but curses and questions about his sanity and audacity. He had a feeling that he had been pushing his luck since the beginning but what he had just done would be the reason for his demise.

Lord, baka naman gusto mo akong tulungan dito. Kakapakilala ko lang sa kanya masyadong maaga pa kung kukunin niyo na ako after nito.

Just before she could even open her mouth- probably to shout at him (or kill him, whichever comes first), her friend had beaten her to it.

"Well, well..." they both turn their heads towards their audience, her eyes twinkling in delight as her eyes shifted her gaze from their faces towards their interlocked hands, her mouth curling into an amused smile. "Mukhang nakahanap ka na ng katapat mo, Monique." she commented, sending her a knowing look before nodding at him in acknowledgment as she went back to her studies.

He could feel the hostility from his side softening as he turned his attention back to her only to see her snatch her hand from his as she grumbled underneath her breath.

"This means nothing, Christian na hindi mabait. You're still a stranger to us."

Letting out a small sigh of relief, he could feel himself relaxing as he discreetly looked up with shit eating grin plastered on his face. She's saying that now but wait till he charms her! Oh but first things first...

The best ka talaga, Lord!

-=-

"So ayun, I was on a mission to be your friend. Kaso langya naman Monique, you make it so hard to approach you!" she couldn't help the small giggles escaping before her hand slapped over her mouth in an attempt to control it. "Sana masaya ka at nagmukha akong desperado nung mga panahong gusto ko lang naman makitable sa inyo."

"Ang hirap grabe. Though, I guess it could be karma because- well, the intention sprouted from boredom but then, when you finally talked to me? Shet, kaya mo akong sabayan. And I couldn't help but think, the best nga talaga si Lord for giving me persistence otherwise, I wouldn't have known what an awesome person you are."

-=-

Now Playing: Asan ka na ba? 0:23 ──ㅇ─────── 3:55

Nasa'n ka na ba, maghihintay nga ba? Para 'kong tangang nalulungkot sa wala

"Ay wow, it looks like the elusive prince charming had finally graced us his presence," one of his friends bellowed as the rest hollered while the others laughed boisterously, making him raise his eyebrows at their antics. "Quick, somebody give him a drink before he change his mind!"

"Or worse, might bail on us cause his girlfriend came calling!"

Another round of laughter ensued as they continue enumerating possible causes why he couldn't be with them.

"Mamaya niyan di pala kasi alam ng jowa niya na andito siya!" Taking a seat next to his friend, he smacked the back of his head, rolling his eyes as he shot a glare towards him. "The fuck you're going on about, Rob? Hinay hinay lang sa kakainom, pwede ba? Kakarating ko lang at ayokong umalis nang maaga."

"Oh dear lord, there's two of them!" someone in the background laughed at Rob's statement, making him frown. Was there an inside joke that he failed to understand? "Totoo pala yung nakukuha mo yung mannerisms ng jowa pag palagi kayong magkasama no?"

Staring at his inebriated friend, he gave him a lopsided grin as he slung his arms over his shoulder, offering him a glass to which Cj downed in seconds.

With the company he's with? He'd definitely needed more than just a glass of beer. "Speak clearly, Rob. What's with you guys and this girlfriend nonsense? Ano, nag materialize bigla jowa ko out of nowhere?"

Letting out a small tsk, Rob looked at him as if he was deciding if he was joking or not. "You're still sober," he mused, flagging a passing waiter for another round of drinks. "Di mo ba pansin na you kept ditching us to hang out with that little girlfriend of yours? Sana pinapakilala samin no? Whatever happened to us being your ride or die? Grabe, nagkagirlfriend lang and suddenly you have no time for us, shame."

Scoffing, he shrugged off his arm from his shoulder, reaching over for another glass, flipping the drunken man the finger. "One, sinong may sabing girlfriend ko siya? Di ba pwedeng maging friends ang opposite sex? Two, that one time I hadn't been able to come, ditching na agad yun? And three, di ba pwedeng busy lang?"

"Busy pursuing that medusa girl!" someone from their circle piqued to which he easily shot a glare at, making her cackle before shrinking to her seat.

"Oh god there's really two of them!"

"Are you sure sa mga desisyones mo sa buhay, Christian?!"

"Can you guys stop with the medusa jokes already? I swear, para kayong mga bata- just because there had been rumors surrounding the person, does it make it alright for you to call her names?" his voice had started to raise but with the chuckles emerging from different sides of the room, he couldn't press down the annoyance bubbling within him.

"So would you rather us call her your girl instead?"

"Mukhang ganun na nga, he hadn't been correcting us ever since we started the girlfriend jokes!"

"Ah so should we refer to her as The girlfriend, ganern?"

"The chosen one!"

"Guys, ano ba?" he bit off, gritting his teeth as the rest of them kept on hollering. "Enough already."

"Wait, wait! I think I have one more- ang nagpatibok sa tigang puso ni Christian!"

"That's a fucking mouthful! What if-"

"Enough!" he bellowed, the noise surrounding the group slowly faded as he looked at them in the eye. "My god, tama na pwede ba? You guys are adults so fucking act like one."

The silence was too deafening as all eyes of the room fell on him. Can he blame them? It was a bit out of character for him to be pissed over something he could've laughed off.

Why was he pissed anyway? There's nothing wrong with what they were saying, he could've denied everything they were playfully accusing him.

"You're awfully too easy to rile this evening, Ceej," James’ voice cut the tension down as he turned to meet his gaze. "Katuwaan lang 'to, we're not trying to imply something. Unless..."

"Unless nothing," he cut him off harshly to which the other man shrugged off before turning back to his companion as the buzzing noise slowly returned until they all went back to their respective conversations as if what had transpired did not happen at all.

"Aight," Rob's voice is surprisingly calm coming from someone who had been too close to being inebriated few minutes ago. "What was that all about?"

He knew that outburst would pique his friend's curiosity and knowing Rob, drunk or not, he wouldn't just let it go without getting the answers he wanted.

"Nothing," even so, it couldn't hurt to try and deflect the man from getting the answers he wanted but seeing the disbelieving look on his face, Cj rolled his eyes before swiping another drink to drown himself into. Can't he get drunk any faster? "Look, it just doesn't feel right to hear that the person I've befriended's being called different names. And I wouldn't want any misunderstanding that may evolve into rumors, okay?"

He didn't know what's more unsettling, the stares or the prolonged silence, and so groaning, he turned to meet his gaze. "What?"

Humming, his friend had the audacity to smirk before reaching for another glass- looks like them leaving earlier than expected is inevitable after all. "You're playing a dangerous game, Ceej. Especially since you're unaware of it."

Their staring game seemed to reach for an impasse as Cj took the glass out of his reach, prompting him to stand up. "You've had your fill now," he announced, pushing the man to stand up. "Tara na bago pa tayo palayasin dito."

Shaking his head, the inebriated man let out a small satisfied hum. "Are you sure you can see it through?" he slurred, making Cj freeze.

"What the fuck are you going on about now?"

"Hmm... I wonder."

If only this bar prohibited fist fights, he would've punched him already. Well, he still can- it's just that, he had already caused one awkward situation, it would be embarrassing to start another one.

"Robert, I swear-"

"Just... be careful, dude." Rob cut him off, slinging his arms once more over his shoulder as Cj began walking beside him. "As much as I wanted to see you humiliate yourself on a daily basis, I'd rather you not get hurt."

-=-

"My friends weren't exactly the perceptive type. Well, not like Rianne," by the time his voice came around, she had gotten a bit comfortable, chin tucked over a pillow she had been hugging as she listened. "So imagine mo, they had been teasing me ever since I began spending my time with you. You know the drill- they think I had hots over you cause I've been putting too much effort in being your friend."

"I think I even caused a scene because I've been vehemently denying all their teasing kasi hindi ba pwedeng maging magkaibigan ang magkaibang kasarian? My god." hearing the exasperated tone from him had her fighting off a smile before dropping it completely. How was it that he keeps having that effect on her? "But you know what, Monique? They were on to something," he let out a small shuddering sigh.

"And that scared me."

-=-

Now Playing: Upuan

1:38 ───ㅇ───── 4:32

Isang tingin mo lang hanggang dun na lang ako.

Minsan, nakakabadtrip din ang pagiging isang overthinker.

Isipin mo yun, he rarely uses his brain for the things that required critical thinking like say, school works, perhaps? Tas bigla bigla na lang sasabay ang pagooverthink mo sa mga bagay na di naman dapat pagtuunan ng pansin like say, feelings.

So yes, nakakabadtrip ang pagiging overthinker. And he is definitely not amused.

And yet, here he was, lying eagle spread just at the corner of the campus' quad, staring blankly at the clear skies, head empty except for thoughts about certain... things.

Well, to be more precise, a certain person.

Were his thoughts useless? Never. Thinking about his friends had never been useless, not to him anyway. It's just that, when feelings are involved then that perhaps is where things get useless.

Emotions, he came to realize, are trivial thing. You either feel, or you don't. And the last time he checked, emotions aren't tied with friends- not the emotions that would give you reason to overthink, anyway.

Friends... are there during happy moments, and they are also there whenever you needed someone to lean on during your lowest.

At least, that's how he see it.

So. What's up with these stray thoughts, then?

Thoughts wherein he'd suddenly have this urge to pull her close, to reach for her even when she's just a few steps away. Maybe these urges flare up when she's just... right there.

And maybe, he'd always acted upon these urges whenever he had the chance, always justifying it by saying it's crowded at the hallways or if the situation calls for it, in the pretext that he was just looking out for her safety whenever they were walking just along the sidewalk.

Sometimes, his straying thoughts weren't always about subtle touches. Sometimes, it's about how their gazes lingered more than necessary during these past few days- perhaps even more than how she looked at that up and coming professor.

And if his brain is feeling too productive, his thoughts might even waddle over the fact that she had finally started to open up to him, filling him with blooming hope that all his efforts had finally started to come to fruition- something he couldn't understand himself.

See? Useless, useless things.

Ah, he should be preparing for his next class. Hell, he should be worrying about the difficulty of the exam he hadn't bothered studying for. ("Bakit mo ba lolokohin sarili mo, hmm?" a little voice at the back of his head whispered.)

And yet, here he was. Consumed by nothing but these conflicting emotions that he could only feel whenever she's-

"Huy! Christian! What the fuck are you doing just lying there?" Startled, he found his view being blocked by Monique, the expression on her face looked like a mix of weirded out and flat out concerned for his sanity. "Di naman sa nangaano, ha? Pero mukha kang mas tanga than usual."

He didn't think that such combination of expressions exist and most importantly, he didn't think she'd be able to pull it off- ah, Jesus Christ. What on earth has been happening to him?

"I'm resting, can't you see?" he found himself answering as his free hand patted the space next to him, earning a bemused expression from her.

"You do realize we have class in like, five minutes, right?" chuckling, she began nudging him with her foot, making him reach out to her free hand, pulling her next to him.

Her landing just right to his chest, an oof escaping her lips had his mind screaming how bad of an idea it was to pull her in without thinking the consequences.

Is it just him or is it becoming hotter than usual?

"Why bother showing up for an exam when you know you're gonna fail anyway?" he mumbled, clearing his throat. Is he coming off with a flu? Right in the middle of summer season?

Laughing, she shoved him off as she stood up, offering her hand for him to take. "Uh-huh, wag mo akong idamay sa mga kalokohan mo, pwede ba?"

Looking up, he couldn't help his breath hitching just as his eyes met hers, the light surrounding her had gone seemingly brighter, the chatter around them becoming nothing but pleasant white noise.

Ah, shit.

-=-

"Alam ko naman na may pag ka-goldfish ang memory mo so I wouldn't bother asking you to remember but there was a time- out of all our campus' quad shenanigans- when you found me lying on the grass and you said- and I quote, 'mas mukha kang tanga than usual'," his voice came out light and airy as if he was trying to be nonchalant about it but something within her tells her that he's been all too consumed by the memory.

'You're wrong', she'd want to interrupt him before he could even feel melancholic about the memory. 'I remember that time all too well.'

"Ang di mo alam, I was too far up in my headspace that time. Too busy overthinking things and you know that nothing good comes with overthinking, di ba? But there I was 'nagmumukhang mas tanga than usual' because I've been too busy thinking of our dynamics." furrowing her eyebrows, she looked over Rianne's speaker with an unreadable expression on her face, willing for the sentient object to sprout out answers.

What did he mean by that?

"And then bigla ka na lang umeksena as usual." aaand he is back with his playful tone. Goodness, Cj. Couldn't you be straightforward just for once? "Okay na sana eh kaso panira ka talaga, Monique! But... y'know, Ben and Ben were right- isang tingin mo lang, hanggang dun na lang ako."

-=-

Now Playing: Ikaw Lamang

0:10 ─ㅇ───────── 5:26

'di ko maintindihan ang nilalaman ng puso, tuwing magkahawak ang ating kamay. Pinapanalangin lagi tayong magkasama, hinihiling bawat oras kapiling ka.

"So nasaan ang anino mo ngayon? Mahina ba ang sinag ng araw?" the suddenness of Rianne's voice had him freezing in his tracks, eyes widening as he looked up only to sigh in relief when he saw the two girls seated a table away from the bookshelf beside him.

"The fuck you're talking about, di ba ayaw mong naarawan ka?"

Maybe it had been a few days since he last interacted with them for how could a simple statement from the girl he had been unconsciously hiding from had his heart beating wildly against his chest?

God, how could her voice affect him that much? Granted, it was simply her usual fuck off tone.

"I swear, I'm surrounded by idiots," he could hear the rolling of Rianne's eyes as she muttered, the sound of rhythmic tapping can be heard between the two friends as silence followed, the shift in the air had became a little bit palpable. "Did something happen between the two of you kasi for some unknown reason, ang lawak ng table and I've already took out all of my reviewers, plus my laptop."

Stifling a laugh, despite Rianne's complaints of how he took up the space when he began joining them at their table, she still let him have the space next to Monique whenever he's around.

"Not that I'm complaining," her voice brought him out of his musings. "But for some reason, ah how do I say this? Parang you looked as if may kulang sa’yo? If that ever make sense."

His head perked up. He wasn't the type to eavesdrop on others' conversation, this he swore. In fact, those two girls loved rumors more than he did. It's just that, when it comes to Monique, he just couldn't help but stop and listen.

There's always something about her that had him stopping in whatever he's doing and just listen... whether the rumor be bad or not. He liked to think he always wanted to see for himself if they were true or not.

Making himself comfortable by slumping against the bookshelf he had so graciously hid himself from them, he waited for Monique's inevitable scoff, all too aware he had pissed her off with how she tried to brush off her friend's prying earlier.

Hearing a scoff, he let out a small grin as if celebrating a small victory. Whoop, there it is.

"The hell? Tignan mo nga, sinisiksik mo na ako sa dulo oh. Paano mo nasabi na may kulang pa?" Ah, these two. It will always be live entertainment so long as he hang out with them, won't it?

Shuffling could be heard at the other side, making him wonder if they had engaged in a playful fight that had him wishing he's in Rianne's position instead of sitting against the cold floor.

"So, ano nga?" he heard Rianne probed after rounds of shuffling and giggling had subsided between the two of them. "Where's that giant of a shadow-"

"Ewan ko, okay?" Monique snapped, earning a sudden bout of silence between the two of them. He didn't need to be there to see the suddenness had startled Rianne as it did to him. "Sabihin mo nga sakin, may ginawa ba akong masama sa kanya or anything for that matter or something na nakakaoffend na bigla na lang siya mang-g-ghost? May nang-g-ghost ba na kaibigan? Ha?"

Just as she had uttered the last line, collective 'shhs' can be heard throughout the area, making her huff in annoyance as he could imagine her shrinking to her seat while her friend gave her an amused look.

Oh how he wanted to see it all. How tempting it must be to give himself away if it weren't for his curiosity getting the best of him.

"Well, well..." he could feel his heart dropping as he heard Rianne perk up, immediately sensing that whatever it is that is about to leave the girl's lips would not help his case. "'Ghost' isn't a term I would use. Try mo 'drop'. As in din-rop ka niya as a friend."

For the first time in his twenty something years, the urge to commit murder had never felt so strong.

"Ikaw ba ay nangiirita or nagc-comfort?"

"...both? I think both. Okay, wait. Seryoso na." the fucker had the audacity to laugh. Which method of murder best suit her? "Again, my statement stands. You guys are both idiots." The sound of Monique's muted protest tells him the fucker had flicked his friend's forehead.

"Rianne, isa." Monique warned, earning a tsk from her. "Can’t you just go and I dunno, fuck off for a few minutes or so?”

“Sure. But answer me this first, bakit affected ka?” she asked immediately before Monique could even put another word in. “You, who gave no flying fuck towards other people has become suddenly affected by a single dude who just upped and left… or so you say.”

Furrowing his eyebrows, he craned his neck onto the bookshelf as silence engulfed the two. Despite his murderous intent towards Monique’s friend, he had to admit that this girl is scarily perceptive of the people around her. She could be really dangerous when she put her mind to it, making people face the things they hide from.

As the silence dragged on, he heard a sigh from the other side, making him perk up as he anticipated for his friend’s answer.

He had to know if she could sense that something is indeed brewing between them- those lingering stares, the accidental brushes, the prolonged skin contact, and the comfortable silence in between.

He had to know, did they mean anything to her? Did they even mean something or had he been just imagining it?

Was it a wishful thinking? Or was it all just lost in the translation?

It wasn’t as if he intentionally put his distance between him and her. It’s just that… for the past few weeks, there’s always a cloud of confusion looming above him as he found himself hanging out more and more with her.

And in his typical way of understanding the situation, he had to step back and try and see the bigger picture but in doing so, he may have unintentionally… ghosted her, as she said. But was it wrong? Had he been wrong in choosing himself? Choosing to understand what has been happening to him?

Never had he been the type to be mindful of people. Not that he cared about their opinions but with her, it’s different.

Hence, the urge to eavesdrop had never been so strong.

“I’m not.” Never had he heard Monique use a somber tone before and for some unknown reason, it made him nervous. Had something happened when he was lost in his thoughts?

Had Rianne took it too far this time? Does Monique need him to save her from her own friend?

“I’m not affected, Rianne.” He heard her repeat her words, this time with conviction- as if she’s pleading for someone to believe her. “I don’t give a flying fuck to anyone and that won’t change, even if it’s him.”

Ah. He should’ve expected this. He should’ve known better.

Was it just him or had the silence between had gotten a bit heavier? Was this a sign to come clean and come out of his hiding place, facing the wrath of not one, but two crazies? Or was this his cue to leave with his dignity intact? What dignity? he scoffed inwardly.

“I see,” before he could even decide his next course of action, Rianne had once again filled the silence between them. Was he reading too much or had he picked up the disappointment from her voice? “So be it then.”

Ah. For some reason, everything hurts.

Clutching his chest, he let out a muted laugh as he bowed his head.

So be it then.

-=-

"Confession time," for some unknown reason, his voice was breathless and-Jesus Christ, why does it affect her so much that she had to pause the godforsaken music player as she took a minute to compose herself.

The air conditioning unit is functioning well, right? So how come she could still feel the heat creeping through her face as she clutched her chest, willing for her heart to stay still.

'My goodness, Monique. Pwede bang huminahon ka kahit saglit?' She silently berated herself. 'Ano na naman ang naiisip mo, ha?'

Pressing play, the next words that came out of the speakers had her sobering. "Sometimes, I accidentally find myself wandering into the middle of your and Rianne's conversations." he what now? "At nang dahil sa inyong dalawa, natuto akong makinig sa mga usapan na di naman dapat pinapakinggan."

That little shit! Panic bloomed into her chest. Just how many conversations did he stumble upon? Did he stumble upon all of them??

"Yung pinaka tumatak sakin was the one where you told Rianne that I 'friend ghosted' you." oh god. "And I think an apology was overdue, don't you think? Monique, I didn't mean to. Please believe me, it wasn't my intention."

"But for the sake of my sanity, I had to." he let out a small bitter chuckle. "I had to step back so I could listen to what my heart was whispering about."

-=-

Now Playing: Lihim

1:04 ───ㅇ─────── 3:56 'Di mo ba nakikita sa isip mo'y ibang-iba, damdamin ko'y 'di madama

Did he miss something?

Knowing Monique, he knew just how petty she can be whenever she wanted to but this… this is a new type of pettiness that even he was not expecting for her to do.

Of all the things she could've done, he was definitely not expecting to see a cardboard cut-out of a random Korean dude occupying the large space he had claimed for himself at their table.

Looking across the cardboard cut-out, he met Rianne's amused stare, biting her upper lip to avoid laughing boisterously all the while her gaze shifted towards the unbothered girl sitting beside the cardboard cut-out.

"Mawalang galang na ho," he started, earning a scoff from Monique making him frown. Yep, she's still pissed. "Pero parang meron po yatang naligaw na bantay ng mall dito or sadyang nakaw to?" he couldn't help the helpless tone coming out of him that he had to look at Rianne for enforcement, the girl cringing as she shook her head as if she couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth, bowing her head in the process as her shoulder shook in silent laughter.

Gee, thanks a lot, Rianne. Ano pa bang silbi mo dito? Really. He would've dissed the girl more if it weren't for Monique's sharp turn of head, her eyes wide in offense, mouth curling into one of her deadliest sneers, nostrils flaring with undisputed anger.

The fuck did he do now?

"Excuse me?" she drawled out, her tone lowering as chills began to creep into the back of his neck. "Bantay ng mall? Nakaw?" she repeated his words, genuinely affronted all the while their audience of one is shaking uncontrollably and yet, they paid her no attention to.

"…hindi ba?" oh how he hated her effect on him. Asan na ngayon ang tapang mo, Cj? How was it that the mere slight of change of her tone had him cowering in fear? Was this the power of guilt? "I mean-"

"Out."

What?

Meeting her steely gaze, she gestured for him to leave and find another table to study on. "Namumuro ka na ah. First, you dare befriend us and then had the audacity to ghost us-"

"-Why am I being dragged into this?" Rianne deadpanned as she composed herself when she saw the fight between them wasn't going to escalate.

"-then you go and diss my man sitting beside me? How dare you? Fuck off. Layas. Humanap ka ng bagong table dahil di ka dito welcomed." Monique finished off, completely ignoring the bewildered look from his face.

"Teka, teka, teka- you mean to say, this guy is my replacement?" he couldn't help raising his tone as he turned from Monique to the dude with wide eyed innocent look, and a hint of small curl of his lips— what, is that supposed to be tantalizing? (seryoso, sinong matinong guard ang magpapapasok ng estudyanteng may dalang ganyan?) and looked back to Monique who looked at him, challengingly.

"Seriously? You replaced me— who, by the way, had some issues that needed resolving that's why I was gone for a while- with some fucking cardboard guy na pwede nang maging bantay ng stall sa mall? How on earth did you even manage to bring that thing inside the campus without anyone questioning your sanity?"

If he was in the right state of mind, he would've known better than to speak his mind about the cut-out but it's been days- weeks, even since he last seen and talked to his friend.

Was it that bad that he'd want to have her attention on him? So excuse his lack of tact, thank you very much and yet, it seemed that Monique has yet to perfect telepathic communication as she just stared at him with that offended look on her face, snarling at him as if he had just declared himself as anti-fan of whoever the fuck is that dude sitting beside her.

"You're dead to me." Monique spat as she huffed, standing up as she gathered her things making his eyes widen as he shot a helpless look to Rianne only for her to gesture her head towards Monique, silently urging him to act fast.

And act fast he did.

Without thinking, his arms reached out towards her, wrapping them both around her arms, effectively caging her and preventing her from leaving them.

"Let me go." she gritted her teeth, squirming from his hold.

Holding her this close, he could feel the warmth emitting from her despite the coldness of the library. He didn't know if it was because it had been weeks since he last saw her but the overwhelming need to snuggle closer to her had never been this strong.

"Never." he breathed out, acting upon instinct as he pulled her closer. Was it just him or did she gotten warmer? If only they could stay like this for even just a little longer then maybe he might be able to-

"Okay ang cringe," Monique suddenly declared, pulling him out of his reverie as she shuddered in his hold. "Jesus Christ, Cj sang lupalop ka ba napunta at bigla kang naging ganyan? Yung totoo, did you ghost us just so you could read your Wattpad stories in peace? Alam mo naman na tanggap ka namin ano man ang hilig mo, right?"

The small protest in the background about being dragged into the middle of this had gone unnoticed as he watched her twist against his hold.

Looking straight in her eyes, he knew for a fact that her anger towards him had slowly melted but just to be safe, he untangled one arm from her, raising it to flick her forehead, earning a small cry from her.

"Guard, may nakawalang baliw na naman po oh." he grinned as he watched her nose scrunched in annoyance, breaking herself free from his hold as she pushed him half-heartedly.

"Guard, may bastos po oh." she fired back, making his jaw drop in mock offense as he pointed to himself to which she nodded at with that playful annoyance displayed on her face.

Oh how he missed their playful banter.

Just as he was about to retort, he watched as her eyes widen in surprise as she ducked her head, turning away from him. What just happened? And was that- did Monique seriously blushed just now?

Before he could even comment on it, he felt the air behind him whoosh, making him turn to see what had caused his friend to act weirdly only for his stomach to drop.

She couldn't possibly, right? There's no way in hell was she acting all shy up when the university's basketball varsity team had just passed by.

Turning back, he could feel the dread rising up when he saw Rianne's amused expression had turned sympathetic towards him.

He could feel the cold seeping through his fingers, not caring as he snatched a chair from the neighboring student's hold, crying out a small protest to which he paid no mind at as he sat down next to Monique, the cardboard cut-out guy had been long forgotten.

"What the hell was that?"

"None of your business. Mag aral ka dyan."

If she thought he was going to drop it, then she didn't know him that well. But she did know him and he knew that she knew he wouldn't just simply drop the topic.

"So sino dun?" he didn't know that he could physiologically feel pain just by saying random things. "Sino sa mga higante ang nagpapatibok sa iyong malamig at patay na puso?"

Sending him a half-hearted glare, she let out an exasperated sigh. "First of all, hindi pa patay ang puso ko. Nakikita mo ba ang bebe Yoseob ko?" she gestured at the cardboard cut-out guy beside her making him roll his eyes. "Two, bakit parang may hinanakit ang tono mo? Hindi lahat ng babae nagkakandarapa sa'yo, we've talked about that already."

Why would I care about their attention when I only wanted yours? He wanted to protest but with the way her eyes twinkled just at the sight of the guy, he just couldn't find the courage to.

"And three, para sa ikakatahimik ng kaluluwa mo, his name is Adam and no, he's just a happy crush. Okay na? Happy?"

Flashing her a sarcastic smile, he dumped his bag on top of the table slightly harder than normal. "Very much so."

-=-

"Sa lahat ng babaeng kilala ko, ikaw yung pinakatopakin, alam mo ba yun?" his tone had gone softer- fonder, dare she even say. And if he were here, she would've probably opened her mouth to retaliate-- no, scratch that, she WILL retaliate. "Opps, wait. Alam kong kating kati ka dyan mangaway, patapusin mo muna ako, pwede? Perfect ka?"

Letting out a small laugh, she couldn't help but press pause as she looked at the speaker with her own fond look flashing across her face.

Ah, Cj. I wonder how you're doing now.

Shaking her head, she let the tape continue where it left, savoring the words that came out of his mouth.

"It's not necessarily a bad thing. Siguro, pahamak lang. Remember the time where you snuck in some cardboard cut-out of some random korean guy sa library just cause you overheard my friends that I'd be coming to share a table with you guys?" Fighting a grin, her eyes shifted towards the exact cardboard cut-out next to her closet. How could she ever forget? "It was so weird that I was torn between throwing that piece of cardboard out of my spot or if I should just find another table to sit on. Pero syempre, support lang tayo sa kaibigan natin gaano pa ka-weirdo sila, di ba?"

'Tangina, matapos lang talaga tong tape na 'to, hahanapin talaga kita,' she vowed silently, ignoring the sudden clenching of her heart as she heard the last part of his comment.

"Being with you is quite the rollercoaster ride, Monique. Isipin mo, sa'yo ko lang naranasan maweirduhan, maging masaya, malungkot at matakot in a span of minutes."

"Is that a bad thing?" she found herself asking in time with his same question, their voices blending in chorus. Her hold on her pillow tightened as she waited in bated breath for his answer.

Humming, he let out a sigh. "I don't think so."

-=-

Now Playing: Di Bale Na Lang

1:12 ───ㅇ─────── 4:42 Hindi ko na alam kung makakaya ko pa, 'di bale na lang kaya

Is it just him or did his friend gained attention the past few weeks?

Well. There's nothing really wrong with gaining attention here and there- in fact, he's secretly hoping that the nasty rumors surrounding her would dissipate as time goes on and people get to see how true and great of a person she is.

Heaven knows she's a good person. Despite all the weird and aloof exterior she possess.

So really. He's all for supporting Monique with her newfound popularity. Though the thing is, what ticks him off was the fact that most of the attention she's gaining were of male population.

Yung totoo, Monique, pumunta ka ba ng Quiapo?

"Weren't you the one to say na ayaw mo sa mga exaggerated phrases?" Rianne's voice drifted somewhere behind him, cutting him off from his offhand rants that he didn't knew he was voicing out loud. "Kala mo naman ang dami dami ng competition with the way you're acting. Ano ka, boyfriend?" snickering, she gave him a side eye, making him cringe at how easily she had caught him.

"Oh wait, you haven't even confessed!" and now she's mocking him. Wow. The audacity. "So pray tell, bakit ka nagmumukmok dyan?"

Squinting his eyes, he let out a small groan. "Ano na naman ang pinagsasabi mo dyan?" it was a poor attempt to salvage the damage, that much he knows. And with the look she's giving him, he knew that she knew what he was doing yet, he didn't know why he even held on to the hope that this girl would pity him and let him have his dignity back.

Was it too much to ask for a little empathy? Then again, this was Rianne he was talking to. Her empathy towards him is little to none.

"Asus, patay malisya ka pa dyan when you've already outed yourself," letting a disapproving tsk, she continued despite the roll of eyes they threw at each other. "Like siguro five minutes ago pa. So again, bakit ka nagmumukmok dyan? Do you even have the right?"

"Don't you have an off switch somewhere? You're being extra annoying today." he gritted his teeth, glancing momentarily over her shoulder, narrowing his eyes before turning back to his abandoned laptop, fingers pressing the keyboard harder than necessary. "And di ba pwedeng maging reason kung bakit nagmumukmok yung tao ay dahil iniwan siya ng kausap niya in the middle of the conversation?" he snapped, earning a shake of her head.

Looking at her back, she let out a small scoff. "Dude, you do realize that she's just talking to the professor, right? I don't know what kind of scenario you've conjured in that petty head of yours pero I think-- and this is a crazy idea but hear me out, it's pretty much a violation of several codes of ethics to form a relationship outside of professional setting, especially one of professor to student."

"With Monique? Don't count that idea out." he muttered, earning a snicker from her, silently agreeing with him.

"Well," she drawled, leaning back on her chair, twirling her pen on one hand. "Kinky." she commented, laughing at the disgusted expression on his face. "While that may likely to happen, I don't think Professor's is the type to engage a relationship with a student so I guess that's one less of competition for you, huh? Shame. Was hoping for drama, at least."

"Why are you so adamant with this competition thing? Ano, are you really that bored that you just impose your imagination onto people? Pwede ba tigilan mo yan? That's not healthy."

"Harsh," she commented airily as if his comment hadn't fazed her. "Are you being like this because she cheered the loudest last week at that basketball game? Or perhaps, was it because you're not the sole focus of her attention these past few days?"

"Hah," he let out an exasperated sigh, his eyes flashing her an irritated look that had her mouth curling in a lazy smirk. "Stop psychoanalyzing me, psycho. Gaano ba ako ka-self-centered dyan sa utak mo that you think her shifting her attention to someone else had me in a bad mood?"

Shifting his eyes momentarily, the irritation he felt had somewhat grew just as the professor gestured for the newcomer to join his conversation with his student.

Feeling the shift on the mood, Rianne turned just in time to see the varsity that caught Monique's eyes reaching for her friend's hand, shaking it firmly, the growing smile on her friend's face didn't go unnoticed. "Just admit it, Cj. Mas lalo mo lang sinasaktan sarili mo the more you deny it." she found herself saying. "You're jealous."

"Me? Jealous?" his reply had been instantaneous as if he had been expecting her to say it their entire conversation. Shaking his head, he gave her the most serious look he could muster. "Di kaya."

-=-

"Did you know, may pagkademonyo yang kaibigan mo?" was it just her or did his tone changed into- how should she put it? Para bang nagsusumbong? "Wala siyang preno, Monique! Kung makapagsalita akala mo naman may karapatan siya no? Who does she think she is? My therapist? Please."

Jaw dropping, her eyebrows furrowed as she stared at the speaker with disbelief dancing through her eyes. He is! He really is complaining about Rianne!

She couldn't help the giggles escaping from her lips as she let him rant on. What did Rianne do this time? Not even trying to hide the smile creeping across her face, she sunk onto her bed, humming as she listened on.

"Just because she had my feelings figured out doesn't give her the right to call me out. At the end of the day, whatever I choose to do with my feelings should be my business and mine alone." his tone turned serious that had her frowning.

What? What exactly happened- that had him ranting like this? Did both of her dearest friends fought without her knowing? How come she hadn't heard about this? And why didn't they tell her?

Was she really out of the loop for so long that she had no idea what had been happening between the two people she considered dearest to her?

Is it just her or does it seem like her chest had been dumped with heavy bricks? Having half a mind to reach over for her phone and call her roommate, she was stopped on her tracks with Cj's next words.

"'Wag mo muna siyang tawagan, Monique. She and I didn't fight, if that's what you're thinking-- and I know you, lods. Whatever you're thinking, get rid of it. It was just the usual jab and bickering. It was a passing thought." Just how did he do that?

How is he quick to reassure her when she's far from him? When he couldn't even see her reaction? How does he know what she's going to do when they haven't even talked for a while now?

"Although, don't tell her this but she's right," mumbling the last part, she had to strain her ears to hear him, pausing it for a bit and rewinding the last part in disbelief.

Is the world ending?

"The more I deny, the more I hurt myself, yeah. I learned that the hard way. But as for her accusation?" he let out an exaggerated scoff. "Nope. Di bale na lang, talaga."

-=-

Now Playing: Balang Araw 0:58 ──ㅇ────── 4:52 Baka pwede lang kahit isang saglit, masabi lang na merong konting pagtingin

Head buzzing, ears ringing, the flitting sound of chatters and jazz music had all became nothing but muted as he came bearing to his senses, realizing his body had not been the only one that had slumped over the table helplessly.

What the fuck?

Blinking blearily, he finally became well too aware of the heat radiating from the body next to him, just as helpless and blissfully unaware like him.

Groaning, his face scrunched as he tried to fight the headache that had been pounding its way into his brain as he tried to remember what the fuck had happened because from what he could vaguely recall, it wasn't just Monique who had been with him earlier this night.

Did… their so-called friends left them both alone in this fucking bar?

Did they seriously finally acted upon their threats of leaving their sorry asses be?

Again, what the fuck.

Wasn't it already established never to let the two of them alone when they eventually became too shitfaced of drunks? Who knows what could've happened- slowly jolting awake, the sinking feeling of what could've been had him sobering in an instant, eyes wide as he looked around his surroundings only to relax when the familiar sight of Rianne's kitchen greeted him.

While he appreciated her being considerate enough to offer her home to them, he vowed he'd get her back for scaring the shit out of him, knowing she had deliberately mimicked the ambiance of the bar they had went to just to get a rise out of him probably.

Why did he get drunk anyway?

As if she heard his thoughts, Monique's hand reached over, pulling his arm towards her head, seemingly looking for comfort as she let out what seemed to be satisfied sigh, a serene expression painting her face as she succumbed further into dreamland.

Fighting off a smile, his free hand went over as he brushed the stray hair that had fallen over her face, fingers tracing her cheek as he indulged himself. "Alam mo, ang amo amo ng mukha mo ‘pag tulog ka. Pwede bang ganito ka na lang palagi? You kinda don't look like the gremlin you are during the day." he found himself saying as the reason for their spontaneous happy hour finally came rushing back to him.

Oh. Right.

She had been gushing over the fact that whatshisface had finally noticed her. That her months of pining had actually come to fruition. Hah. As if.

It’s bad enough he had to compete for her attention during one of their classes because of that goddamned professor, now he had to compete for her attention outside of their class too? And to that motherfucking giant of all people? Hah.

And while she had been talking their friends' ears off with the possibilities with her possible beau, he found himself drowning in liver poison, hoping and praying the burning sensation leaving its wake could at least ease the burning feeling he had desperately repressed for so long, ignoring the pitiful stares he had been getting from Rianne.

Everything afterwards became all too blurry and hazy even for his sober self. What had happened after? He knew why he had gotten drunk but what about Monique? Why had she gotten drunk?

Granted, getting your crush to finally notice you after so long is a reason enough to celebrate but if his memory serves him right (90 percent guaranteed), then why in the world had she been all too sulky in the end?

He knew her. He knows her. Probably more than he could ever know himself. And the stages of drunk Monique that came out earlier had not been one of celebratory kind. If anything, it felt like- it felt more like… something he couldn’t put his finger into. Ah, he’s too drunk to over analyze shit.

"Kung madali lang ako mahalin, it wouldn't be as pathetic as it is to celebrate the fact that he had looked my way," he recalled her hiccuping those words albeit drunkenly. Her eyes had been all too wide, glistening with unshed tears that he had forced himself not to reach for.

"It's not pathetic," he found himself saying as his heart skipped, heartstrings being tugged as he found himself helpless. "Madali kayang magmahal. Madali ka namang mahalin eh."

There was a pause between them, too palpable to ignore. And with the way her expression slightly crumble, fumbling with her quivering lips, he knew she was holding back.

What was it? his eyes screamed. How can I make it all better?

"If I am easy to love then how come-" Forcing a smile upon her lips, she had been the first to avert her gaze- just as always.

It had always been like that. Just as he thought he was close to figuring out the enigma Monique is, she goes around and shied away, fleeing as if opening herself is a crime against humanity.

If it had been a different time, he would’ve left it be- after all, he never tried to pry into her life, not like Rianne who they all know is easy to confide into.

But this is different, he justified. She’s hurting because of some asshole. And he didn’t like it. Not one bit.

Does it hurt? Fuck yeah. But that doesn’t mean he had to stop caring for her. Not when she means the world to him.

“If you’re easy to love…?” He prompted, eyes pleading to-just this once- trust in him, confide in him.

He heard her swore, making him hide his glee knowing she could never deny him of anything.

“Madaya ka rin no?” Giving her a small victorious grin, he dared push his luck, nudging her slightly as if to encourage her. "Akala mo naman kung sinong gwapo. May nagsabi na ba sayo na ang sagwa kapag nagpapacute ka?"

Letting out a guffaw, he could feel his insides twist with glee when he saw small hint of smile upon her lips, nudging her forehead with his as he settled for a cheeky smile. "Excuse me, ang swerte mo sayo lang ako nagpapacute. Andaming nagkakarandarapa sa ngiti ko, huy."

Is it just him but for a moment there he saw something flash on her eyes but just as he was about to comment on it, how quickly it faded. Perhaps it was all wishful thinking? Perhaps a moment of weakness, something to hope for? Was it a trick of the light?

"Nako, parang hindi naman," she scoffed and for a moment, she had let the moment between them simmer before turning melancholic. "If I'm easy to love then why can't he?"

"Because he's a fool," he uttered automatically as if it was the answer to the world's most difficult question. "Because he's a fucking blind pole and a fucking idiot. Sabi sayo panget na jowain ang mga basketball players pero nakinig ka ba sakin? Hindi. Sheesh."

"I don't think that's it," she mumbled, shaking her head as if she's dismantling the idea he had planted on her head or perhaps- it looked as if she was disagreeing about something he had said which he inwardly scoffed at. There’s nothing wrong with his statement, right? "Because if it were then…"

Something in him wanted to push her further, to confide in him the way she could with Rianne. Despite his heart going crazy, it felt like he had to know the rest of the sentence. Even if it hurts. But looking at her bittersweet smile and the way her eyes turn glassy with contempt, he knew better than to. And so, with heavy heart, he had to drop their conversation, acting as if nothing hurts.

Letting out a shuddering sigh, he willed himself to forget that piece of memory. He should've forgotten that. Fuck.

Oh but he couldn't. His traitorous heart couldn't let him. Not when it comes to her.

"You're easy to love," he found himself whispering as if he is finally sharing a secret he held close, not really caring the numbing sensation from the arm she had stolen from him nor the fact that the walls probably have ears.

He had, after all, downed in liquid courage tonight and he'd be damned to let it slip.

Threading his fingers over her hair in the barest touch as possible, he dared continue. "You make it too easy to love you, Nic." Letting out a small nervous chuckle, his eyes softened as he stared at her. "Because if you weren't then how come I have been hopelessly and tremendously in love with you all these years?"

-=-

She had been too accustomed for his voice to come through the moment the song ended but for some reason, all she got was silence.

Eyebrows furrowing, she turned her head to check if the tape had finally stopped or heaven forbid, Rianne's vintage speaker had finally gotten possessed. Just as she was about to lean over, his shuddering sigh greeted her ears once more, making her jump in surprise.

"The fuck naman Cj," she muttered, clutching her chest to calm herself. "Pwede bang bigyan mo naman ako ng konting warning dyan?" her tone had been too light, talking as if he was there beside her but when the silence that followed became all too deafening, she couldn't help but feel all too worried.

Which is- silly, thinking about it. This was pre-recorded. Meaning, it's not exactly happening as of the moment. She didn't even know this was being made so why worry?

"Give me a few minutes, will ya?" his voice- muted and soft and if she would strain her ears more, she could've sworn she could hear the shakiness he had tried to suppress.

Was the song that too deep? Granted, she wasn't really much of a fan of the singer, going as far as referring to him as Abu Bukar (no offence, really. She's just bad with names.) but was there a reason- a story behind this particular song?

"Cj, please…" she whispered. "Pakigalaw ang baso, I don't fucking care if bigla na lang maging Conjuring set 'tong apartment namin. Come on, I need to know-- are you okay?"

"I'm fine," turning her head in record speed, she couldn't help the fear spiking through her (did she really jinx it? Is this the start of her horror story?) "I'm fine, Monique. I'm fine."

If she didn't know him any better, she'd say that this is a perfect demonstration of the concept of neuroplasticity: repetition matters but she did know him… maybe just as well as how much he knows her.

Just who are you trying to convince, Cj? Ako lang naman to, di ba?

"I don't really know what to tell you, so can I just sing the song again? Well, wala kang choice. I'll sing it again. Magtiis ka dyan."

Flashing the speaker a small, bitter smile, she couldn't help but close her eyes as the first note hit her ears, relishing the warm baritone voice he had always possessed, ignoring the cartwheels of her heart and the rampaging dinosaurs in her stomach.

Bakit ako magtitiis when all I wanted was to listen to you all day?

-=-

Now Playing: 214

1:33 ────ㅇ────── 4:41 'Cause time may pass, but longer than it'll last I'll be by your side

“Bakit ako?”

It was quiet.

He could hear her voice dropping as if she’s trying to retreat back into her own void, the one she had created solely for her not because she wanted to but because she had to, which is something he hadn’t understood the first few encounters he had with her but as they gradually became close, this was a notion he had learned he hated. It’s like… a piece of him dies every time she does this.

The shift in the air was palpable as the sounds around them had faded into muted noise, his head turning to look at her.

Taking his silence as an invitation to continue, she shifted into a more comfortable position, knees coming to her chest as she wrapped her arms around them.

“Bakit mo ako nilapitan? Bakit mo ako kinausap?” she dared ask and suddenly, the ground seemed more interesting to look at than the incredulous look plastered on his face. “I mean… I’m not one of the typical people you’ve hung out with. I’m not really like your people so… why me?”

He could see her spiraling.

Down… and down to her thoughts, with no way out and with nothing to hold on to. It’s dangerous, he kept warning her. She’d drown herself before she could even notice she had waddled in too deep but that’s okay.

That’s what he’s here for, anyway.

He didn’t know when it happened or how in the fucking world it was even possible but he knew. A self proclaimed self absorbed person like him knew her like a lifeline.

He knew her like the back of his hand. He could see her eyes glazing with heaviness as she slowly entertain the thoughts that lingered at the back of her mind before she could even notice herself, the way her breathing went shallow and how her usual boisterous voice became subdued.

Looking at her now, he couldn’t help the small smile creeping across his lips.

Not to be that person, but he’s fucking grateful he’s the only one who could see her like this.

The only person she trusted completely as she let her guard down.

Ano ka ngayon, Doria?

Ah the sweet sweet scent of victory knowing he had one upped that motherfucking giant of a varsity.

Though despite the sweet satisfaction, he knew he couldn’t let her continue to think of whatever negativity her mind had concocted- not if he wanted her to feel saddened and burdened and so he had to act fast.

Humming to himself, he nudged her slightly, garnering no change from her attention and so he nudged her continuously until she turned to him with slight annoyance painting her face as he grinned at her.

“You done being dramatic? My god, Monique! Drama ah. Nakainom ka na naman?”

“Cj naman! Kala ko ba seryosong usapan tayo dito?” She all but exclaimed, prompting people to stare at them momentarily to which they both ignored. Maybe having a heart to heart conversation like this shouldn’t be done in the campus quadrangle, he mused. But then again, it wasn’t like he was the first to approach the topic anyway.

If anything, he’s blaming Monique and her impeccable timing as usual but he’d rather keep this to himself if he wanted to live another day.

Huffing, she rolled her eyes at him before turning to stand only for him to pull her back down, making her slightly lose her balance as she sat back down next to him, leaving no space between them.

Eyes wide, she could feel the air being sucked away from her as she stared at his eyes- those warm brown eyes blown wide with mischief and mirth dancing upon them, his mouth curling into cheshire grin as if he is offering every solution to her unending questions.

For a moment, it felt like the world around them had stopped just for the two of them. Dare he even say, it felt like time had stopped just for them.

Is this… is this normal?

Before she could even comprehend what was happening, she watched as he ducked his head closer to hers, his forehead coming up to gently nudge hers.

“Silly girl,” is it because of the mood or had his voice dropped a few octaves? “Because you’re interesting. Because I feel like you and I will get along well. Because I saw you and looked only at you.” He listed off, nonchalantly while she could feel the inner turmoil inside her grew despite quelling the first thoughts she had.

Does he… have the same effect he had towards other girls on her? Can she even feel the wild beating of his heart, how it beats because she’s near?

Before she could even think, he could feel her breathing hitch as she listened to his next words.

“And yeah, you’re right about that, Monique- you’re really not one of my people. Not typically anyway.” Having his forehead rest upon hers, eyes closing as if relishing this moment right here, just between the two of them.

As he opened his eyes, he could feel himself getting lost with her glint of hope and… something else. A sentiment he shared with her. Can she feel his utmost sincerity? “You are my person.” He whispered slowly as if he was… asking, pleading for her to understand.

A moment passed.

Letting out a shuddering sigh, she found herself relaxing onto his hold as she offered him one of her own sincere smiles before nudging his forehead gently.

“Hay nako Cj, ang drama ah. Ano, nakainom ka na naman?” She grinned as he let out a small annoyed groan, his finger replacing his forehead to gently flick hers, earning an indignant cry from her.

“Aray! What the fuck? Ang bayolente mo talaga no?” she cried, clutching her forehead in pain as she glared at him, to which he rolled his eyes at playfully before standing up, reaching over to pull her up as well. While he may have averted the crisis, he couldn’t help but wish he could’ve done more. And so while it’s not really part of his plan, and he knew his wallet will make him regret it later, he had to resort to other means of cheering her up.

“Bakit ikaw, hindi?” he singsonged, throwing his arm over her shoulders before she could even retaliate, pulling her close to him. “Tara, milktea tayo. Libre ko.”

-=-

"Classic Rivermaya. You gotta admit they do have one of the best songs, yeah?" Listening to his voice now, she couldn't help but reel in her shock at how he's quick to switch moods. If she didn't know any better, she'd say this dude could pass as a woman with the way he jumped from serious to light hearted conversation at a snap of a finger.

But she did know better and she knew this is his way of deflecting. His way of hiding what he truly felt, not wanting to burden people with the brewing storm inside his head.

Just what exactly are you trying to hide, Cj? After all these years, di pa ba sapat yung tiwala mo sakin?

She had to admit, it kinda hurt. They had, after all, been through thick and thin, survived all those hell weeks with little to no sleep only to get just enough passing scores.

Throughout those years, he had been her confidante. Her consistent companion. And yes, she knew if Rianne were to hear these thoughts of hers, she would beg to differ but if she were to be honest, there's just something different between Rianne's and Cj's companionship with her.

"Anyway," Cj's voice filled the air once more. "This song reminds me of that one time sa quad where you were asking me why I chose to befriend you. Ang weird ng timing pero siyempre, on brand na yan sa'yo so di naman na nakakapagtaka," hearing his small laugh should've annoyed her, should've launched her into strings of curses and promises of bodily harm the next time she saw him and yet, she found herself looking at the speaker with concern written all over her face.

Something's wrong, that much she knew and it frustrates her to no end that she couldn't fathom whatever the hell it is.

"Despite the weirdness, alam mo, ang saya ko that time. Not because you were wallowing in self-depreciating thoughts-- grabe Monique, inubos mo pera ko sa milktea, ah- but rather, because you chose to trust me." she could feel her stomach dropping at his next words. Blinking, she held her breath. "At that moment, you chose me… even if it was fleeting."

-=-

Now Playing: Dahan

1:30 ────ㅇ────── 4:57 Dahan dahan mong bitawan puso kong di makalaban

In a hindsight, he should've seen it coming.

He, of all people, should know how a person acts when they are hopelessly smitten- hopelessly in love?- same shit. After all, didn't he do the same to his circle of friends back then? Disappear on them, that is.

Di kaya, he disagreed. Hadn't I just saw them earlier this week? Besides, with the way they were swamped with their own shit, it would be a miracle for them to notice we don't hang out as frequent as before. he justified, leaning against the tree he had always frequented on the quad.

Even then, why didn't he notice the change in her? Or did he perhaps have known all along what was happening right before his eyes but chose to be blind about it?

Or baka naman busy lang siya, he reasoned to himself, heaving out a small sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose, trying his might to keep the headache. pero kahit na, di ba?

When was the last time he saw Monique? When was the last time he had her undivided attention? The last time they shared conversation, or ate a meal together? Weren't they supposed to study together today?

Looking at the sprawled materials before him, he let out a bitter scoff. Certainly, not. he wanted to laugh, a sinking feeling in his gut had started to make itself known.

Out of the two of them, he had to admit-- and he swore it's not that he intentionally did it- but he's the one who had most likely cancelled on them.

Sometimes, it's because his parents were visiting. Sometimes, it's because he had fucked up with the course he had struggling in that he had to make up for it and sometimes, it's because his friends have had enough of him ghosting them that he hadn't had the choice but to go out with them.

All are valid points, he supposed but actually, she was with him during the mentioned reasons so technically, it wasn't exactly cancelled but more of change of plans.

Not that he's saying that Monique hadn't had her fair share of blowing their plans off but during the course of their friendship, she would let him know beforehand if she couldn't make it so as he wouldn't expect her.

Not until now, he thought bitterly, looking up as his gaze wandered off, aimlessly watching other students mind their own businesses.

It's not that Monique owed him an explanation or something- there may be an emergency that she had forgotten to let him know and that's fine. Cool.

It's just that, shouldn't she really be prioritizing something right now when she herself had stated that she oh so desperately needed to pass this course? Hence, why he offered to tutor her in the first place.

So. Not to be that guy, but where the hell is she?

Baka nga talaga emergency? he reasoned to himself, picking a random notebook to distract him from the pain he's currently feeling. Was he being too overbearing? Was he being overly dramatic over something simple? Knowing her attention span, baka nga nakalimutan niya lang talaga?

But why does it feel like it isn't? Why does it feel like there's something else and that he's just trying to justify her absence more than he should've?

Shaking his head, he was about to revert his focus on his notes when a loud chatter of a nearby group of students caught his attention.

He could've easily ignored it. Just one of the background noise even. However, he could've sworn he heard her voice. He must've- after years of being with her, her voice had been one of the things he had imprinted on his memory. He could easily distinguish hers even if he was put in a loud room.

Turning his head, his gaze immediately found her figure, just in the middle of a group of students- varsities, he belatedly realised- laughing without any care, leaning against that same dude that had caught her attention.

He knew it shouldn't affect him. It wasn't even any of his business, she's free to do whatever she wants, right?

Her choice whether she wants to study or not, it was all under her discretion.

Ah but it hurts, his face contorting on that painful smile he had found himself sporting these days. Why does it hurt? Why is it something as simple as her blowing their study session off to hang out with that guy and his circle of friends hurt so much?

-=-

"Now here's what I'm curious about,nagtampo ka na ba sakin without me knowing?" he wondered as if she was there with him to provide him the answers he wanted. "Yung tipong di mo sakin sinabi na nagtatampo ka kasi wala naman ako at that situation tas di mo na sakin sinabi kasi nawala rin agad yung tampo mo or something along those lines?"

Frowning, she thought hard for any instances he had described. Was there a time where she was pissed at him and hadn't let him know?

Just before she could even blurt out her answer, she found herself holding back as she remembered that he wasn't there to hear her answer.

Nagmumukha akong tanga sa'yo, Cj, she groaned inwardly, thanking the heavens that Rianne decided to stay the night at her boyfriend's.

"It was a horrible feeling, did you know?" he continued his monologue. "Lalo na 'pag wala ka naman talagang karapatan magalit. Pero di ba common courtesy na lang din na magsabi kapag di ka makakarating sa usapan?"

What?

"Sorry," he let out a small mirthless laugh. "Naguungkatan na rin naman tayo ng past, right? Ah ako nga lang pala so might as well, no? That time where you and I had a scheduled study session, the time where you-- I don't know if you forgot- blew me off just to hang out with that wannabe varsity dude."

She could feel her stomach dropping with every sentence he uttered. True, he knew of her goldfish-like memory so to have him directly remind her of what had happened back then gave her a sense of dread.

"I know I have no right to get mad, cause you're entitled to do whatever you want pero sana di ba nagsasabi?" Was this the reason why he had been acting all too strange that time they had met afterwards? Was this the reason why he was all too tense before going back to his normal self? "But no matter, kahit naman nagtatampo ako sa'yo, tingin mo matitiis kita?"

That's the thing, she wanted to disagree. You should've told me off. You should've made your thoughts known. So why didn't you?

-=-

Now Playing: Di Makatulog

1:08 ───ㅇ─────── 5:29 Bago pumikit ang iyong mata, ayokong managinip ng mag-isa

"What are we even doing?" he didn't mean for the question to escape his lips but the thought had been all too overwhelming that it finally slipped out of his mouth, prompting the person at the other side of the phone cease her animated storytelling of the events that had transpired earlier that morning.

"Huh?"

Closing his eyes, he berated himself silently for not being able to control himself. Was it because it was the dead of the night? Was it because his sleep was interrupted? Or was it because he had been feeling tired lately that he couldn't suppress his inner thoughts? "This," Might as well continue- take it head on, right? "Why are we even doing this?"

"We're just talking?" he could imagine her frowning as she tried to make sense of the shift in his mood. "Cj, if you're tired, you could've just said so. Di na sana kita naistorbo, di ba?"

Panic bloomed in his chest as he shifted from his position. "Wait no, that's not it." he rushed out before she could even hang up on him.

When she made no move to continue on, he took it as a sign to elaborate and so he did. "It's just that- Monique, why are we talking this late at night?"

She let out a small noise of confusion. "Because we haven't seen each other kanina? I barely saw even the glimpse of your shadow today tas ngayon ko lang narealize so I tried texting you and well, you answered naman so I figured, instead na text kasi mamaya nyan tulugan mo ako tas magaantay lang ako sa wala, tawagan na lang kita, ganun." she rambled on, not knowing how her words made its impact on him.

Shaking his head bitterly, he let out a small sigh as he stared at his bare ceiling, deep in thought. So ngayon mo lang napansin, he wanted to tell her. After weeks of not seeing each other, ngayon mo lang napansin na di na tayo naguusap?

"Pero Cj, dude, wait lang," the concern in her voice brought him out of his reverie. "Why are you- what's with the question? Again, if you aren't up for talking, you could've just said so."

She's starting to feel agitated, that much he could tell. With the way she stuttered, the way she repeated herself even if she hated doing so. It's funny how easily he had picked up her tells despite her not being there physically. It's funny how observant he had become just for her.

And just how easy he knew her tells, he could've easily stopped right there and then with the game he wanted to play and just let her continue with her tale as if nothing's wrong.

But there is. Something's wrong and if he had gotten a hold of himself, he would've held back and let it be. But he was getting tired and in his haze, he felt a great need to let whatever's bothering him known.

"It's not that," he backtracked, running his free hand over his face as he racked his brain for the right words. "Believe me, there's nothing more than I want than to hear about your day. Kasi for some reason-- and I think something's wrong with me when I say this pero parang may kulang kasi ngayong araw."

Silence engulfed the air and for a second, he had feared that he might've set her off but all of that was washed off when he heard her chuckle.

"It's me, isn't it?" he could already picture the silly grin adorning her lips as she asked him and for that alone had him smiling lopsidedly as well. Is it worth setting aside what he felt? Perhaps. "Sabi na nga ba ako talaga ang kukumpleto sa buhay mo."

Ignoring the skip of his heart, he let out a small groan for her to hear. "And there goes your delusions again." he let out a small chuckle as he heard her huff. "You sure you don't want me to drive you to the mental institute?"

"Hah. Eh ikaw nga tong pabago-bago ng mood so baka ikaw yung may kailangan nang idiretso sa mental institute?"

"Please. Kung baliw man ako, dahil yun sa'yo. I think you just had that effect on people, yeah? Nakakabaliw ka, Monique."

Hearing her scoff, he closed his eyes as he felt the tension released from his body. "Lahat naman nababaliw sakin, Cj. Ewan ko bakit ngayon mo lang yan narealize."

Should he dare? Is it worth risking for?

"Uy, seryoso dude?" In his silence, he failed to notice how her voice sobered. "If you're tired, then I'll let you rest."

"Nah, I'm okay. Di pa naman ako pagod."

"Sure ka? Just earlier you were questioning why we're doi-"

"I just missed you, s'all." he was quick to cut her off, mentally kicking himself for even bringing it up. "You were right, di tayo nagkita today and we haven't talked for a while kaya let me just- savor this, I think."

She let out a small laugh. "Savor this? You speak as if we're not going to talk anymore. Na parang di na tayo nagkikita ah. Na parang di tayo naguusap ah."

"Haven't we?"

"Ah but I'm right here, di ba? And medyo busy lang tayo kaya siguro di tayo nagkakatagpo or something."

"Are you really? I mean, paano pag sobrang busy ka na talaga at wala ka nang time para makipagusap, much less makipagkita?"

"I don't think that's possible, Cj. You and I- we make time for each other di ba? Like right now, masyado na ngang late but we're still talking, di ba?" oh how he wished he could see her, figure out her thoughts as she uttered these words.

He let out a small shuddering sigh. "Yeah," he conceded but with the thoughts running through his head, he couldn't stop himself from adding, "But why does it feel like-"

She let out a small hum, as if she had all the patience in the world. "Feel like what?"

"Like I'm losing you." he let the gravity of his words sink in. "Am I losing you?" he whispered as he heard her breath hitch.

"No," it was her turn to let out a shuddering sigh. He wanted to think that the thought itself repulsed her. "Never. Di ba nga sabi mo, mas madikit pa ako sa linta?" she asked, eliciting a small choked laugh from him. "You're not gonna lose me, Cj."

Her words were meant to soothe his fears. She was meant to placate this wavering heart of his. But for some reason, all it did was to give way to the dread he had been feeling.

Swallowing this feeling, he made a sound of disbelief. "Bakit naman parang nangbabanta ka, Monique?"

At the sound of her exasperation, his mouth curled in a small smile. "Hay nako this dude. It's an assurance, Ceej."

"But you know, people tend to just leave."

"And I'm not gonna be like them, Christian na di mabait." her voice had been too firm, too serious. And for a moment right there, she had made him believe in her. "I won't leave you even if you don't want to be in my life anymore."

Closing his eyes, he couldn't help the sharp breath he had taken. Ah. He must've been so tired, after all.

-=-

Having friends with someone who articulates words really well (read: Rianne), she had been made aware of how much words can mean so much more when they are used in the right context.

Take the word 'Oh', for example. In her opinion, this word had been overused in every possible way. In songs, sonnets, poems, stories, and even in mundane conversations. She couldn't understand how this simple word can make such an impact that people would use it over and over and so in silent protest, she refrained to use it on her daily conversations much to Rianne's amusement. (And much to the latter's delight, she had lasted at least two weeks before breaking her self-protest.)

"Am I losing you?" he whispered, his voice quiet and careful as if there's fragility in every syllable spoken.

Oh.

Now she gets it. Oh. Like oh, how does he know how to break her heart like this? Oh, please don't do this. Can't he see her heart breaking for him? Can he break her heart even more?

"Have I lost you?"

Turns out he can.

As silence followed him, she heaved out a shuddering sigh, trying to reel in all the emotions that are about to spill out any moment now.

Oh how she wanted nothing more than to be oblivious of what he was referring to. Oh how she wanted nothing more than to have forgotten the myriad of emotions she had felt that night where they had shed off the illusion of a strong front.

"That day, I was missing you, you know?" Cj continued, voice wavering. "For some reason, my best friend and I see each other less and less as days passed and I- for some reason, I can't confront you about it because I didn't know how to approach the topic. So I just let it be."

Closing her eyes, she could feel his emotions bleeding through the speakers, becoming tangible enough that she could almost feel them as if they were her own.

For the first time that night, she was grateful for his shyness- she couldn't bear to see him bare his soul to her right now, not when she, too, are in too deep with her emotions.

"And that night when you called me, I was really grateful. Though a small part of me was thinking, ah so naalala mo pa pala ako. Salamat ah? Pero kasi mas nananaig yung pagkamiss ko sa'yo." She could imagine him smiling oh so bitterly to his recorder as he paused. "I asked you once, have I lost you? And you answered instantly-"

"No," they chorused, albeit hers was more of a whisper whilst his was more of a resolute.

"And like a fool, I believed you." he sighed. "You just have that effect on me. You could tell me so many lies and I would still believe you."

Words can be weapons if used in the right context, Rianne would often tell her. And right now, she's bearing the brunt of it.

Oh, how it hurts.

-=-

Now Playing: I need you more today

1:13 ────ㅇ───── 4:11 I need you now, more than ever, more than words can say

"Handa na ako," he had blurted out as he watched Rianne look up from her reading material, cocking an eyebrow at what he hoped to be determined expression on his face before giving all her attention on him. At her silence, he took it as a sign to continue. "Handa na akong aminin ang aking lihim na pagtingin sa kanya."

Letting out a small sigh, he scanned his surroundings, methodically making sure not even a speck of dust was out of place.

With what he had planned for tonight, would it be an overkill to decorate their usual place at the quad? Was the addition of fairy lights an obvious give away of what he wanted to talk to her about?

Originally, he would've preferred to do this at their usual table in the library since not only it's lowkey but he wanted to think there's sentiment behind such place but Rianne was quick to poke his forehead with a revolted look on her face. ("Are you serious? Library? What's next, will you give her a badly constructed love letter and some tacky chocolates?") If it weren't for JK- her esteemed boyfriend holding her back, he might've been smacked on the head multiple times. (Honestly, that guy is a saint for even putting up with her. How on earth did she even snagged the guy?)

Silence engulfed them until he saw her mouth twitching as she cringed at his words. "Wow naman, di ko alam na meron pala akong kasamang makata dito," she bobbed her head, raising her palms as she gave him a small applause, obviously mocking him.

Shaking his head, he began inspecting the fairy lights Rianne and JK had set up for him, making sure it was working properly, silently thanking them.

While they may not see eye to eye, he knew he could always count on Rianne on things that matter and this, right here, is a testament of how far she'll go to help him.

Before he could even open his mouth to retaliate, her expression turned into a complete 180, shooting him a serious look as she closed her book, sliding it aside as she placed both of her elbows at the top of the table, giving him a once over. "Thank fucking god. It only took you what? Four years?" she asked rhetorically, making his jaw drop.

Was he really that obvious? "What made you decide to end all of our misery and finally confess to her?"

"'Our misery'" he echoed, eyebrows furrowing as she nodded her head, blinking owlishly.

"You two are really perfect for each other, being painfully dense and oblivious this entire time." she muttered, shaking her head when she realized the reason behind his question. "It's cute that you think you've hidden your feelings for her that well." Setting her lips in a tight line, she let out a small sigh. "I guess when the object of your affection is equally dense as you are, you're really bound to think that, yeah?" Mirroring the smug grin on her face, he threw a small piece of paper at her to which she had dodged easily, cackling softly at his indignation.

Patting over his hoodie's pocket, he let out a small sigh as he felt the familiar weight of the cassette tape he had been carrying the past few days, giving him a small sense of comfort just to quell in the nerves he had been feeling as the night creep in.

"So what's the plan?" she asked, picking up the paper he threw only to throw it back at him, making him glower at her. "Confess to her in an empty classroom like a school boy or do you just blurt it out as if you're talking about the weather?"

"Actually," he trailed off, scratching the side of his face as he met her curious gaze, suddenly feeling all too sheepish. "I was kinda hoping this is where you'll come in." he muttered. "Well, you and your boyfriend!" he backtracked as he saw her mouth curling in an all too familiar smirk.

"Come again?" she leaned forward, obviously enjoying how the tables had turned. "I don't think I heard you correctly. Did you just admit that you needed my help?"

"I'm starting to think this is a bad idea and I should've just approached your boyfriend instead." he groaned, earning a cackle from her.

"You know, for someone who's asking for a favor, you're not being nice." She's clearly enjoying this. Why did he even think it was a good idea to ask her? "Besides, I don't think you've got the courage to ask Juju by yourself. Not when you thought you're being sneaky with your emotions."

He let out a small grumble. "You're never gonna let that go, are you?"

"Siguro mga for this week's punchline lang. Iba naman next week." she grinned. "So when are you gonna grovel for my help?"

Rolling his eyes, he clasped both of his palms as he stared at her directly to her eyes. "Pretty please, can you and your boyfriend help me set up a place for my confession to Monique?" he asked lifelessly, already dreading her impossible demands-

"Sure."

Stunned, he stared at her as if she just grew four heads. "Just like that? No- 'you owe me Cj', 'wow Cj, if you're that desperate drop and give me twenty burpees ya piece of shit?'" if she noticed how his voice went octaves higher, he was grateful she decided not to comment on it.

When he was asked by Rianne if he had a plan, he had let her know the mixtape he had put together way back, giving her the idea of setting up a small picnic blanket by the tree they used to hang out at, transforming it into a somewhat vintage-ish look that three broke college kids could come up with.

Scoffing, she rolled her eyes as she began packing her things. "Au contraire mon ami, I'm not that heartless." she said, giving him a pointed look. "I may be a demon but there are some things where I draw the line. Messing with my friends' happiness is one of them."

"Thank you,"

Glancing at his watch, his eyebrows began to furrow as he mentally recalled his last text to Monique. He hadn't texted her the wrong time, had he?

Checking over their last message, he could feel the familiar coil of dread creeping over his stomach. She wouldn't ditch him this time, right? Surely, she's just running late?

"Don't thank me. I haven't even talked to JK yet." Faltering, she blinked as if she has been struck by a sudden thought. Turning to look at him once more, he could feel that whatever she's gonna say would dampen the mood. "Say, Cj, I'm curious about something."

Raising an eyebrow at her, he wordlessly gestured for her to continue.

"What will you do if-" she furrowed her eyebrow as he saw her contemplate whether to continue or not but before he could even ask, she had made her decision. "What will do you if Monique might not return your feelings?"

Plopping over the blanket, he tilted his head back, eyes closing as he let out a shuddering sigh.

Ah, how could he had forgotten? No wonder the quad's been all too serene, void of life.

Ah. That. He was hoping she wouldn't bring it up but he should've known better.

Averting his gaze, he could feel a bitter smile creeping across his face. "Then… I'll let these emotions go."

"That easily?"

It's the homecoming game. Last game of the season and from what he had heard, the last game that guy would be in too so it is a big event. He should've known. God, what an idiot.

"You seem to forget, Rianne. I love her more than I cherish my own happiness. I'd rather wish she's genuinely happy with someone else rather than force her by my side."

The implication hanging between them weighed heavier than what he had intended but he knew- they both knew he was right. Was it his wishful thinking to have Rianne contradict his words?

Biting his lip, he let out one last huff of air, quelling in the raging emotions he had been feeling, hoping to at least hold the tears at bay just until he's back in the safety of his apartment.

Just a few more minutes, he pleaded. Maybe she just lost track of time. But when there's no sign of even a shadow of hers, he knew better than to keep on waiting.

"Confessing to her is just me wishing she'd choose me. That perhaps, I may be enough for her to choose me this time." he whispered carefully as he looked up only to meet her eyes. Times like this he'd wish he had her ability to easily read emotions but perhaps he's also grateful he hadn't. After all, ignorance is truly a bliss.

Shaking his head, he hung his head low, a slow bitter smile plastered on his mouth.

She made her choice… and it's not him.

-=-

"What happened to us?" his voice came out in a shaky whisper a few minutes after the song had faded out, breaking her out of her reverie. "That's probably what you've been thinking this entire time, yeah?"

"You're probably thinking it's shitty of me to drop off the face of the earth the moment we graduated tas out of nowhere bigla na lang ako magpaparamdam through this, right? Siguro nga naiirita ka knowing I made Rianne and JK my accomplices dito but knowing you, I don't think you'd welcome me if I do this directly."

Wait, what? Even JK? She knew about Rianne's involvement the moment she received her message but to hear that Cj asked for her boyfriend's help is news to her.

Why, the last she saw that boy, he had been shooting her looks she couldn't decipher. At that time, she thought he was judging her from the way she couldn't be bothered to get dressed, brushing it off as she had known him throughout their college days but if what Cj said was true, then could it be those looks were more of pity rather than judgement?

"Remember that day where I asked you to come by our place by the quadrangle? I had it all planned, you know?" She couldn't miss the pain beneath his cheery voice. "I suck at decorating so I asked their help- picture this, just beneath our tree, there's lights-- fairy lights as what Rianne called them- hanging from the branches, underneath them, there's a picnic blanket Jk borrowed from his roommate cause he claimed it's better than to lie on the grass. And man, Monique you should've seen it! There's an actual picnic basket full of food that they both cooked because we all know that I am hopeless in the kitchen."

Bakit ganoon? She wanted to ask, her free hand unconsciously reaching to clutch her chest as she felt her heart being squeezed with every word coming out from his mouth. It took so much for her to feel intensely, to feel strong emotions but with Cj, she could build a great wall around her heart and he would topple it in minutes tops.

"Sa gitna ng picnic blanket, nandun yung speaker ko," he continued with a shuddering breath. "With one cassette tape inserted. This exact cassette tape filled with songs that reminded me of you- of us, throughout the years. Siguro hindi mo ma-connect yung kanta but for me, they were filled with memories of me and you and how our story came to be. I had it all planned- to tell you all about these memories while listening to the songs just beneath that tree while stargazing.

"Ang corny no? Hah. I tried telling Rianne about that but all she told me that if I wanted to confess how I felt then I should be sincere and open and that's why I have this tape with me."

Her breath hitched as she felt her heart stopped along with time as she looked at the speaker with wide eyes. Did he just-?

"Cause if I can't tell you these thoughts, these feelings out loud then I'll do it in the way I best know how… and that is through songs, don't you think?"

She could almost hear his heart shattering at the background as her trembling hand reached for her phone. With her vision blurred with all those unshed tears, she had to use both hands to frantically send a text to Rianne all while willing her breaths to even out.

Millions of thoughts rushed through her that she couldn't comprehend them all but one thing stood clear-- she had to see Cj now.

"So now you know," Cj's hushed voice made her pause before returning her attention back to her phone. "Why I had to disappear for awhile. It's a shitty excuse but I had to step back because I had to respect your decision. But I didn't even made it clear no? I didn't made it clear to you that you have options- that I am an option too."

Could it be…? Faltering, she faced the speaker once more, hope sparking within her, her phone pinging with an answer from her ever so loyal friend. With renewed vigor, she took her hoodie and her keys before rushing through the door, not caring if she faced Rianne's wrath for leaving her speaker on- apartment haunting be damned.

Just before she closed the door, she could hear his voice- the quietest she had ever heard from him, "…do you think I can try again?"

-=-

It was just like he said but not quite like it.

They weren't at their typical place- there weren't any trees, nor students bustling around the quadrangle. There's no field of grass to lay on, nor picnic blankets to sit upon.

Instead, she was directed at some rooftop of a random apartment complex (no doubt this is the very one he lived in currently) situated conveniently in the middle of the city that never sleeps.

There's no fairy lights hanging from the branches just as he had claimed and yet, with the city lights glimmering from a distance, it almost felt like it added a little bit of etherealness to the ambiance he was going for.

There's no stars- not in this light polluted city but just a glance of his eyes, she could've sworn there's galaxies of stars shining behind his eyes the moment he saw her.

Really, it was just like he said: it was a sight to behold. But this, right here? She wouldn't let him know, but this is infinitely better than what he had described.

"Bilis ah," she heard him before she could even see him all in his glory. That mouth of his would really be his undoing, had she even told him that before? "Don't tell me, tumakbo ka kaagad papunta dito?"

Hay nako Lord, may preno ba ang bibig nito? Feel ko may masasapak muna ako bago magungkatan ng nadarama.

But that's just a part of them, isn't it?

The playful bantering that would often end up with one of them wanting to sock the other in the face, the endless jabs that would often leave the other scrambling for a wittier comeback, and the assurance that despite the gap that separated them, they would always be okay.

Scoffing, she took a step closer towards him. "Bakit naman ako tatakbo? Ikaw ba si bebe Yoseob ko? Hindi, di ba?"

It was his turn to scoff. "Oh please. Di ka talaga papapasukin ng guard dito pag dinala mo yun. And really, Monique? You still have that old thing? My god, di pa ba yun inaanay?"

Jaw dropping, she squinted her eyes as betrayal etched on her face. "How dare you slander my love?" she couldn't help the venomous tone seeping from her voice as the fucker had the audacity to laugh at her reaction as if he was proud of himself. "You take that back."

"Take what back? Di ba prone ang mga cardboard sa mga anay?" he challenged, grinning at her as he . "And what, di ba matagal na rin yung cardboard mong yun? Ancient artifact, ganern."

Oh if only looks could kill. He would've been six feet under this entire apartment complex.

"…You're dead to me." she huffed, turning back to the doorframe when she felt two arms snaking around her waist, engulfing her in that familiar warmth she hadn't known she had been missing.

Oddly enough, it felt like she had basked in his hold before as if… it happened once upon a dream. And while being in his hold made her feel like she's back home, she couldn't help the feeling of disappointment wash over her.

Disappointment for herself, that is. If only…

"Hey," his voice quiet and soft, tugging her to face him, meeting his equally soft gaze and a small smile hanging upon his lips making her think that despite everything, he's still the one comforting her. "What's going on up there?" he asked gently, knocking on her forehead softly.

There's so many things she could've said to him- after all, what do you even say to the person you've made to wait?

"Why me?" she asked instead, voice barely audible but with the way he stiffened slightly, she knew he heard her. "You could've had anyone and yet you choose to stick by me, why?"

For a moment there, she anticipated him choosing to answer the same way he did all those years ago- back when all her insecurities ran deep within her.

"I could ask you the same thing, why didn't you pursue him?" he countered, pulling away from her momentarily. "Wasn't that what you wanted? What changed?"

"He's not you," her answer was instantaneous, catching them off guard. She didn't mean to come off too strong, she hadn't mean to confess first and yet, when she saw the stunned look on his face, she knew she had to find the courage to continue.

Letting out a shuddering sigh, she muttered, "No matter how much of a total package he was, there's one thing he couldn't be and that's- he's not you." She could see the conflict dancing upon his eyes and while she understood, she couldn't help the pang of sadness washing over her.

She could've said more but with the way she saw the understanding dawning upon his eyes, she knew she didn't need to elaborate.

"Ang daya mo, alam mo yun?" he let out a small chuckle, shaking his head fondly at her. "Pinatawag nga kita para ako yung aamin and yet, here we are."

"Ayan!" She exclaimed, startling him, his hold on her faltering momentarily. "Kinuntsaba mo talaga sina Rianne? Goodness Cj, kala ko ba kaaway mo ang beshy ko?" she asked him, tone accusatory making him roll his eyes at her, good naturedly.

"Focus," he mumbled, poking her forehead before placing his arms around her once more. "Moment ko na nga 'to, aagawin mo pa talaga?" he whined, earning a grin from her.

"Ay sorry, sorry- please, do continue." she nodded off as if daring him to act upon what he had been planning the entire night for.

"I like you."

Drawing in a sharp breath, it was her turn to be stunned as she met his gaze. Taking her silence as his cue, he dared to continue. "I think I've said all I can in that mixtape so I hoped you listened to it carefully kasi ang hirap umulit, Monique please lang." if she didn't know any better, she could've thought he was offering her a cheeky grin when in fact, it was actually a nervous smile.

"I've liked you for a long time, Monique. Back then, I thought I would've been satisfied being your friend cause that's better than nothing but as time went by, my feelings for you just grew stronger and I-"

"-I think I got greedier, wanting to be the source of your happiness. Kasi if I can make you happy as a friend then maybe… just maybe, I can be a source of your happiness as someone more."

Ah. What's this feeling? How is it that this boy in front of her made her go through a rollercoaster of emotions in a span of one night?

How could he make her heart feel so full and content? How could he ease all of her worries with poorly constructed words and mistimed jokes?

But that's just it, right? That this right here, this is what love feels like, right?

Eyes boring right into her, she could feel the surge of emotions running through him as his eyes sought hers. "And so, Monique, do you think I can try again?"

A heartbeat passed.

"Yes."

[princess-of-the-corner]

👉👈 spare any dp headcanons?

Some of these will show up in my writing so here we go: 

I know it’s common and I’ve mentioned it before, but Danny is Trans and I will fight y’all on that. 

Honestly it’s me so everyone is somewhere in the lgbt+ but I’m narrowing down where. 

None of the Fentons are neurotypical. Yes this is me self-projecting.

Tucker is a furry. This is not me self-projecting. 

Danny once got snarky with Kitty and Johnny about them going to couple’s therapy, and they took him seriously. They’re friends with Jazz now. 

Clockwork enjoys being a cryptic motherfucker. Yeah, he could totally explain things more directly. But where’s the fun in that? 

I am adding that earlier ‘Jazz learned French to impress cute girls’ thing. 

I also mentioned this one before but Walker is actually Maddie’s great uncle and the reason she studies Ghosts in the first place but no one’s made the connection yet. 

Post-redemption arc, Vlad and Danny kind of bond over being weird as shit to everyone else. That and real morbid humor. Especially at each other. 

If you’re a Human and you know about all the secret identity things(and are chill about it), you will low-key get adopted into the family. 

Wulf is the Ghost of a Werewolf. 

There are a handful of Ghosts who would be cool with letting the Fentons dissect them for science. 

I have a whole thing about how while the GIW study the paranormal for the government, Jack and Maddie actually work for a Paranormal branch of the Government. (Like, not to bring up HP, but like how there’s the regular government and then the Ministry of Magic dealing with Nonhuman matters). That said, Jack and Maddie have limited knowledge of this other than it being where their funding comes from, and that said funders do not like the GIW. 

Everyone in Amity Park, but especially the Casper High kids, know how to throw down with a Ghost if necessary. ‘Team Phantom’ aren’t the only kids with ecto-weapons in their lockers and backpacks. 

The kids in Danny’s class have subconsciously picked up on Danny’s Ghost Sense. They don’t know what it is, but any time Danny seems to cough up an icy mist and runs off, the class is already tense and preparing for a fight. 

Fighting for rulership of a location in the Ghost Zone is an established thing, not just a rule for Ghost King. But there has to be an intention to take over, not just a fight between the rulers. 

[eponymiad]

Day 4: Conspiracy of Kings (Late in the day again, because wasn’t going to do anything today, but I decided it was time to finally make this post...)

Encoded Love Letters...from Your Sister?; see also: I love this book, but yikes is it cryptic

The encoded love letter that Sophos gets while he’s “imprisoned” on Brimedius’s estate? It’s not from Helen, it’s not from Gen...it’s from Ina. 

(if you already know this, just go to bed tonight feeling good about yourself because uh, it’s not that obvious to...most people). 

1. We know Ina writes encoded letters. The magus says she’d written a sneaky one saying they were alive on Brimedius’s estate after the Letnos kidnapping. 

2. Sophos calls it the letter from Eddis. He’s talking to Helen when he says it, so if it were from her, it would be “your letter” or “the letter you sent.” It’s the letter that came from Eddis. (Also, Sophos never physically sees the letter, Akretenesh just reads him bits and pieces of it)

3. In Eddis, Ina had access to Gen’s story about their journey in The Thief. In TT, Sophos says if he could be anywhere, it would be under an apricot tree with his sisters, which is referenced in the letter to tell Sophos it’s from Ina. (Side note, this is where we find out that Sophos wasn’t a chatty baby because he was afraid of being captured like Gen thought. He was a chatty baby because he thought Gen was dying and he was trying to keep him alive. It makes my heart ache every single time I read it. I love them). We find out earlier in the book that Gen’s manuscript is still in Eddis. When they’re on their midnight kidnapping bar crawl, Gen tells Sophos that he wrote down the story of the trip (and more importantly, what he thought of Attolia) and meant to send a copy to the magus, but he never did. (Just an additional aside to say: Gen stares into the distance when he says he never got around to sending the book, and I really think there’s a meta implication that the gods made him forget to send it to Sounis so the book would stay in Eddis). 

4. Also—Sophos flat out says it. 

“I had watched Akretenesh underestimate the queens of Attolia and Eddis, and I wouldn’t do the same to Ina. And whether my mother and sisters were safe in Eddis or not, there was nothing more I could do in Brimedius. I chose to believe that I had come to rescue my mother and sisters, and they had already rescued themselves.”

Tl;dr Ina is the best, and also siblings are demons and she wrote a letter that would simultaneously tell Sophos they were safe and embarrass him, and Megan, if you’re reading this, please, the story about his mother and sisters and their escape from Brimedius... 

(also, just to hedge my bets, is it possible Helen also wrote part of the letter? Yes. But Sophos definitely isn’t calling her letter, and the neon signs all point to Ina being the main conspirator of kings). 

This is usually a much longer explanation, but I’ve done my best to condense it. (Yeah, this is unfortunately the condensed version). If anyone wants full receipts, let me know because I have...so many of them.

[blossom-hwa]

Sunflowers |Summer| - JUYEON

Can’t believe it’s already Juyeon’s birthday!!! Hope deobiblr enjoys my contribution for the birthday of one of the best dancers in the kpop industry <3

I will be doing a taglist for Sunflowers, so if you’d like to be notified when the next part goes up, send me a dm or an ask! Post dates are also on my posting schedule :)

Pairing: Juyeon x gender neutral!reader

Genre: fluff, high school!au

Triggers: cursing

Word Count: 2.3k

Juyeon is just a sunflower, following the light of your smile. 

Summer | Fall | Winter | Spring | Summer, Once More

TBZ Masterlist | Interwoven

~ in summer, a stranger comes home

. . . . .

It’s the middle of summer when your mom delivers you a little piece of seemingly innocuous news, a piece of glittering information wrapped in old magazines and tied with cheap string to disguise its sparkle. Her voice literally vibrates with excitement when she tells you, which probably should serve as a warning or a signal of some sort, but in your defense, you’re tired from a day of classes and research programs and just want to eat and die.

“Our old neighbors are coming back!” she bursts, a spring in her step that you haven’t seen since the day you were accepted to your current prestigious research camp. “You know, the Lees who used to live next door?”

You blink once, then twice before the information sinks in. A memory settles at the front of your mind. “The Lees?”

“Yes!” She smiles widely. “I missed Yuna so much, I can’t believe she and her family are actually moving back. Don’t you remember, you used to be such good friends with Juyeon?”

More blurry memories of playing in the grass and dancing in the living room with a chubby little boy flash through your mind. You remember playdates that turned into study sessions in middle school, study sessions that disappeared when Juyeon moved away. And though you’d like to forget it, you remember sobbing your eyes out the day he left at the end of summer, the weather turning to fall. Sunflowers were blooming that day, wreathing your lawn in an unfairly bright ring of yellow as you wrapped him in one last hug before his father started the car and the family drove away.

“Mhm,” you only say, taking a box of cookies out of the cupboard. “I remember.”

“Won’t it be so much fun for you two to meet again?” Your mother’s smile turns suggestive as she side-eyes you. “You two were always so adorable together. Didn’t you once say he was your boyfriend in kindergarten?”

That memory makes you cringe. “Thanks, Mom, I was doing a really good job of forgetting that before you mentioned it.”

“Oh, hush.” She shoos you out of the kitchen. “You two were so cute together. I have no doubt you’ll be the best of friends again when they come back.”

“I haven’t seen him in four years, Mom,” you remind her. “People change.”

A glint comes into your mom’s eye. “Maybe so,” she replies cryptically, “but some feelings remain.”

Okay, so in hindsight, you should’ve taken a lot of what she said as a warning that your life was about to get flipped upside down by Juyeon’s homecoming. But with everything already on your mind, you more or less forget about the news until one day towards the end of summer, when your dad tells you to come straight home after your classes.

You stare up at him over your bowl of cereal. “Why?” you ask, mouth full.

“You don’t remember?” Your mom sits down just across from you. “The Lees are moving back in today, and we’ve invited them to dinner!”

Your brain buffers for a good few minutes before you finally recall your dad saying something about “dinner with the Lees when they come back” a couple weeks ago. “I didn’t know they already came back.”

“Well, they are.” Your mom’s fingers tap on the table with excitement. “You have your research, but we’ll be helping them move back in today, and then they’re coming over for dinner. We’ll probably already be home before you get back, so try not to look too messy, okay?”

Wincing, you remember the several still-recovering formic acid burns on your forearms from several days ago. You can’t hide those. “I’ll do my best,” is all you promise.

So that afternoon, instead of staying behind and chatting with a few friends, you find yourself walking down the sidewalk to the front of your house much earlier than usual. There are new cars in the driveway next door.

With the sunflowers beginning to bloom on your and your neighbors’ lawns, it feels eerily similar to the day Juyeon and his family left.

A slight wave of nervousness roils in your stomach. Quickly, as you walk up the pathway to your house, you try to untangle your hair with your fingers, straightening out your shirt as best as you can. As tired as you are, you don’t want to make a bad impression on your parents’ good friends. You don’t exactly want to look horrible in front of Juyeon, either. Even though he probably doesn’t have any idea what you look like anymore.

With a deep breath, you grip the doorknob and twist. It’s locked.

Frowning, you look down at the unmoving handle. Your parents must’ve locked it by force of habit when they came back.

So you knock.

Literally nothing could have prepared you for the boy who opens the door several seconds later to your pounding. He’s tall, muscled, with fine features and a curious look in his eyes, and he looks vaguely familiar.

For several seconds, the two of you just stare at each other, neither saying a word. As you’re trying to figure out why a really hot guy is at your house right now, a much more familiar woman appears in your line of vision, smiling widely as she holds out her arms to you. “Oh, my!” she cries, pushing past the boy to wrap you up in a hug. “I haven’t seen you in so long! You’ve grown so much!”

“Hi, Mrs. Lee,” you reply, still trying to figure out who the tall boy is. It isn’t until she starts pulling away that you realize he has her nose and her eyes.

Huh?

Then –

Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

You nearly stumble back into the door from shock. “JUYEON?”

. . .

Juyeon thought his feelings for you had disappeared, he really did. When he moved away and thought he was never coming back, he took the love he’d held for you for so long, put it into a box at the back of his heart, locked it, and threw the key away. And as the years slowly passed, one after another, the box slowly disappeared from the forefront of Juyeon’s mind. He never forgot about it, but memories of you eventually stopped plaguing his mind day and night.

But that box never disappeared, not really. He thought it did, thought it dissolved into nothing over the years. Instead, it stayed, small but there, waiting for the right moment to burst and flood his body with the feelings he’d so carefully packed away so long ago.

That right moment is apparently when he opens the door to see a face he really never thought he’d ever see again.

Juyeon doesn’t recognize you, not at first. At second glance, he can pick out some distinct features that stayed the same (namely the sparkle in your eyes that hasn’t changed, even after all this time away). But during those first moments when he opens the door, he just stands there, trying to figure out who this person in front of him is.

Then it hits him, and the box of feelings explodes just as his mom starts pushing him away to wrap you in a hug.

You clearly don’t recognize him, judging by the curious looks you keep giving him over his mom’s shoulder. That makes Juyeon self-conscious – he hasn’t changed that much from when he left, has he? – and the embarrassment only compounds when you stumble back into the door, eyes widening as you yell his name in shock.

So, suffice to say, the conversation between you two at dinner is almost nonexistent. You look like you want the ground to eat you alive in your seat across from Juyeon, eyes barely looking up throughout the whole meal, talking only when someone asks you a direct question. Meanwhile, Juyeon’s stuck in his head.

Why, he despairs, didn’t these feelings actually disappear? Why does he still want to look into your eyes, get lost in your gaze like he used to so many years ago? Thoughts spin in circles in his head, thoughts of how you’ve changed and how you’ve stayed the same and how, oh God, his heart still races like no tomorrow when you meet his eyes for the briefest second before looking away out of embarrassment.

Juyeon needs a moment. He needs a moment to breathe, to think, to reason himself through this whole situation, which is why he volunteers to wash the dishes after dinner. Your mom starts praising him for being a perfect son and he dutifully lowers his head in embarrassed acknowledgment, thanking the heavens that he’ll have a moment to actually think, before she then looks at you to ask, “Why don’t you help Juyeon too?” and the world starts crumbling around his feet.

In perfect tandem, the two of you start picking up empty plates and bowls and carrying them to the kitchen sink. The adults make their way to the living room, laughing and chattering loudly, which only makes the potent silence between you two more prominent.

“I can wash,” you offer awkwardly, still barely able to look Juyeon in the eye (which is perfectly fine, because he thinks he might combust if you do just that). “You can dry? If you’re all right with that.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Juyeon tries to flash a smile, hoping it isn’t too shaky (the thumping in his heart makes it feel like the world is trembling around his feet). As the water runs and you start passing plates over to him, he does his best to ignore how close you are, how easy it would be to accidentally brush your arm with his.

Silence reigns until half the dishes are dry, and then you open your mouth. “Sorry about earlier,” you blurt, embarrassment and shame visible on your face. “I, uh, didn’t recognize you at first. Freaked out for a second.”

It’s surprisingly easy to laugh at that, to laugh at a statement that’s so blatantly you. You still haven’t changed, Juyeon thinks – you’re still the same bluntly apologetic friend he was in love with four years ago. It cheers him when your lips begin to turn up at his burst of laughter, face still embarrassed but beginning to warm with some happiness. “It’s okay,” he says, drying the next plate. “I didn’t recognize you either, not at first.”

“Well, I guess we can say that we’ve both changed,” you acknowledge, finally looking up fully.

Your smile could bring legions to their knees, Juyeon thinks. It certainly stops his hands from drying the next dish – in fact, he almost drops it. Even though the curve of your lips is small and he can’t see all of your teeth, the sparkle in your eye more than makes up for it. “Yeah,” he breathes. “Yeah.”

The two of you scrub dishes for the next few minutes in quiet again. Juyeon has no idea what you’re thinking, but he’s just trying to calm the beating in his heart.

This is not how he expected to feel when he moved back. Not at all. What he’s feeling isn’t even just everything he locked away at the end of seventh grade – somehow, the emotions have multiplied, compounded over years of neglect, and now he’s getting the full force of it.

“My mom wants us to be friends again,” you say, breaking the silence once again. “What do you think about that?”

Um, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Juyeon thinks. Do you want to be his friend again? Or are you only trying to be nice to him for the sake of your parents?

“Well.” Juyeon bites his lip. “If you want to be friends again, I’d like that. But if it’s, um, just because of your mom, we don’t have to.”

At that, you smack a rubber-gloved, soapy hand against your head, shrieking slightly when you realize there are suds in your hair. Juyeon laughs, really laughs as he hands you a towel from a nearby rack. “God, I’m a fucking mess,” you groan, wiping the bubbles from your forehead. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that. I don’t want to be your friend again just because of our parents, that was just the only way I could think of to bring up the topic and yeah, I should’ve thought this out, I’m a fucking idiot.”

“Didn’t you get into one of the most prestigious research camps in the country?” Juyeon counters, hands moving automatically to take the towel from you and wiping off the suds himself. “You’re not an idiot.”

“Yes, I am.” You sigh. “I think it’d be nice to be friends again. If that’s fine with you.”

With your words fluttering in his heart, it takes Juyeon a good moment to realize he’s been standing with the towel pressed against your head for a full few seconds. Heat rising to his ears (he hopes you don’t see that), he quickly wipes off the last of the bubbles and returns the towel to the rack. “That’d be nice,” he echoes softly. “I’d like that.”

The smile you give him, tentative but much wider than before, makes Juyeon feel like he’s flying. He’s so far gone, he thinks, drying the last dish. He’s only seen you again for a few hours, and already your smile has him feeling some kind of way.

He’d follow that smile, he thinks. He’d follow that smile anywhere, just like one of the sunflowers on your lawn outside chasing the sun from dawn to dusk. That’s all he is, after all. A sunflower, following the light of your smile.

And as you look up, eyes scrunched as he says something to make you laugh, Juyeon doesn’t think he minds.

Not in the slightest.

[authenticdesperation]

A Review of Every Single Episode of Inside No. 9 [1/2]

Disclaimer: my opinions are not definitive but they are bloody good. There may be spoilers so read at your own risk. This will probably have to be a two-parter for the sake of my sanity and your scrolling.  

Series 1

1. Sardines 

A killer way to kick off a series with an absolutely top notch cast. This episode probably wins the award for the episode I’ve spent the most time thinking about after watching, putting all the little things that went over my head at first into place. I love the set design in this episode as well with everything seeming delightfully old fashioned. 

2. A Quiet Night In

This episode is something of a masterclass in farce and it is a Bold Move to have the second episode of a new series almost completely free of dialogue. It’s dirty, it’s fully of silly slapstick and it’s a nice change of pace after the rather harrowing ending to the first episode. 

3. Tom and Gerri 

This is an episode I enjoyed more when I thought about it more. It beautifully shows the decline of Tom’s mental health (acted impeccably, lovely work from Reece) due to grief. Also it was quite nice to see Reece and Steve acting opposite each other more, they have great chemistry together and Steve as Migg is perfectly unsettling. 

4. Last Gasp

Now, I have to be honest with you: I do not exclusively have glowing praise for this episode. I enjoyed it far more after watching it more than once as I liked the humour of it. One of my favourite things was the video camera perspective at the start, as well as some lovely moments with the music. However, I’m not overly keen on the ending, I just found it slightly underwhelming. 

5. The Understudy

Back on the praise train kids! I am a big old Shakespeare nerd (as are Reece and Steve, apparently) and I studied Macbeth for my GCSEs so I was particularly excited when I watched it. I will also have to give a little nod to the directing of this episode, it was an absolute feast for the eyes. 

6. The Harrowing

Oh hell yes (no pun intended). I think this episode is a great one to cap off the first series, really demonstrating the versatility of Steve and Reece. Also, I’m a big horror fan and the entire atmosphere of it really appealed to me. Though I would say that the second I saw that house I would have run about fifteen miles in the opposite direction.

Series 2

1. La Couchette

This episode is very similar to Sardines in the sense that it feels rather claustrophobic, but this time it leans far more towards the comedy side of things rather than drama. Bonus points for Steve demonstrating his German skills. 

2. The 12 Days of Christine

Ah yes, the episode I’ve cried at every time I’ve watched it. This one is a strong demonstration of how to wrong foot an audience: you never quite know what’s going on until towards the end and all of the horror-esque moments just add to the confusion making the ending one hell of an emotional gut-punch. I wouldn’t watch it if you need something to cheer you up, though.

3. The Trial of Elizabeth Gadge

My second favourite episode of series two, The Trial of Elizabeth Gadge is packed to the brim with silly puns and smutty jokes. I personally predicted the twist but in this case I don’t think it really mattered as I was too busy enjoying the Horrible Histories for adults thing that was going on. Bonus points for another killer cast.

4. Cold Comfort

The first of two episodes directed by Steve and Reece and really quite a bold one at that. The whole thing is filmed in the style of a CCTV feed, which I’m pretty sure an experienced director would warn you off trying, but it really pays off in the narrative. Since the camera doesn’t switch focus at any point, it really relies on the acting performances to keep your focus which, in my opinion, the cast fucking nailed.

5. Nana’s Party

If I had to describe the episode in two words they would be ‘domestic drama’. It’s a fairly classic setup of a family with their fair share of secrets, namely adultery and alcoholism, but happily doesn’t give the game away too early and a layer of humour is added by the slightly irritating prankster character of Pat. It’s the second episode of the series directed by Steve and Reece and has a sort of understated quality to it, showing Claire Skinner’s character’s exacting nature above a layer of familial drama. 

6. Séance Time

My favourite episode of series two, at first you think you’re walking into another haunted house scenario until you find out it’s a prank show that went off the air due to a scandal. There’s a great sense of humour throughout, and I don’t know whether I’m easily freaked out or the final jumpscare was genuinely terrifying but I flew about fifteen feet into the air when I saw it. Once I’d peeled myself off the ceiling, I really appreciated that it felt like a slow burn horror despite still only being half an hour. 

Series 3

1. The Devil of Christmas

I live for schlocky horror films that are so cheesy they give you nightmares if you watch them before bed. So the 1970s film within the episode, accompanied by a director’s commentary-cum-police interview performed by Derek Jacobi, was an absolute treat. The story of Krampus is one that has been done a lot, but never as a snuff film (as far as I know) so it was a nice little twist.

2. The Bill

Every time I rewatch Inside No. 9 this is the episode I always have to watch no matter what. It is such a simple premise and it feels slightly reminiscent of the Geoff, Mike and Brian sketches from The League of Gentlemen. Now is probably the moment where I should sing the praises of director Guillem Morales who has, quite frankly, become my personal hero having seen the many, many episodes of this series he’s directed. The framing in this episode is absolutely genius, but it’s only really obvious after you’ve watched it a few times and I have to give kudos for making a dialogue-heavy episode visually interesting. There are jokes that I think about at least twice a week and I am obsessed with Jason Watkins’ acting...I think this will be my longest review of this whole post. 

3. The Riddle of the Sphinx

This is the best episode I will never watch again. I love horror, and I’ve watched some bone-chilling films but something about this episode made me feel so uncomfortable. It is also a real testament to Steve Pemberton, who I’m led to believe is the cryptic crossword fan who took the lead writing this episode, that he wrote something involving cryptic crosswords that didn’t give me a migraine. 

4. Empty Orchestra

Ah, what a nice change of pace after the last episode with something far lighter. The karaoke booth concept is so fun and I’ve never understood the criticism of the episode. That being said, of every single antagonist in every single episode of Inside No. 9, Connie is the character I love to hate the most. All of the characters feel more like people you’ve met before and the vibe of a group of work colleagues in a karaoke booth going through the usual petty drama feels familiar. I think series three is one that has some of the darkest concepts and this is a great exception to that. 

5. Diddle Diddle Dumpling

When I looked in the background more while rewatching this episode, I noticed a lot of things were in twos. I can only assume that was a deliberate choice made somewhere along the line, and one that pays off when you notice it. Both Mat Baynton and Keeley Hawes played their parts to perfection, with Mat really doing quite a lot with a fairly small part. The whole episode reads as an interesting analysis of grief, in a similar sense to Tom and Gerri. Also, Reece’s character did not murder the remaining twin and apparently I’m the weirdo for thinking that was what was being implied. In my defence, there was cannibalism earlier in the series; filicide did not seem like that big of a leap.

6. Private View 

Agatha Christie eat your heart out (that wasn’t meant to be a reference to the ending, it’s just a happy accident). Murder mysteries are my absolute jam so I am obsessed with this episode. The modern art show is such a great setting for a whodunnit as demonstrated by the reaction to the discovery of Peter Kay’s character’s body. All the characters have their brilliant little quirks, and the killer is revealed at the perfect time and it was a good idea to not make that reveal the twist. 

[emerald-amidst-gold]

Tin Foil Hat Time!

So, earlier I had stated I was donning my tin foil hat? Well, I think it’s time to let that baby shine, so let’s get crinkling! I shall put it under the cut since I’m rambler! >:3

I had had these thoughts before, but I saw a post once upon a time that literally made the idea reemerge from the depths of my scattered little brain.

Basically that thought was: Is Solas a spirit that has taken a form much like Cole has, albeit in a completely different circumstance?

There are three things that make my mind whirl with this concept and has me going, “Wait, wait! That makes sense! Are they seriously--? Waaaait!” I’ll go down the line.

1. Solas’s intimate knowledge about the nature and purpose of spirits.

Obviously, Solas is an expert on matters of the Fade due to that fact that he created the whole realm in the first place. However, there’s something more..deep in the explanations he gives and how passionate he gets when spirits are looked down on or misconstrued. I mean, yes, in the time of Arlathan, spirits were part of the world and were common place, so it would stand to reason that most ancients elves were intimately tied to spirits. But Solas...it seems like more to me. He pinpoints the nature of a spirit almost immediately, he can sift through their cryptic meanings with relative ease (i.e. Cole), and the way he speaks at times is like he’s detecting the flow of person’s thoughts or emotions. He’s even, calm, thorough, and it’s how I imagine a spirit of Wisdom would speak. It’s a shame we didn’t get to hear much of his friend’s speech patterns because it would have been cool to compare.

2. How Solas often times consoles or relates with Cole.

Solas and Cole’s relationship has always been a point of fascination for me. I love listening to the dialogue between them and trying to piece it together without looking it up because it’s amazingly profound. I also have to ‘Awww..” when Solas actively tries to help Cole acclimate himself to the physical world such as this banter sequence:

Cole: It's brighter here. Glittering. Glaring. Glinting. I can't...

Solas: It's a mild tremor in the Veil. Nothing to worry about. Focus on what is here, in this world.

Cole: But... what is here?

Solas: Feel the ground, the breath in your lungs, fabric rustling against your skin.

Cole: (Breathes.) Thank you.

Solas: It's nothing. It can be overwhelming for anyone.

The way Solas guides Cole through this moment of panic and anxiety practically screams to me: “He can do this because he’s felt this sensation before.” It could be simply that after awakening from Uthenera that Solas had a similiar experience as the moments in which Cole feels overwhelmed, but the fact that Solas pinpoints the exact reasoning behind Cole’s discomfort is mind boggling to me. Again, it could be just that Solas can detect distortions in the Veil since he created it, and therefore, it’s practically his magic, but the speed at which he responds to Cole’s nervousness is immediate--subconscious. 

3. (This is the big one for me) Cole’s one line of dialogue in Trespasser.

"He did not want a body. But she asked him to come. He left a scar when he burned her off his face."

This. This line had me going, “Wait. What?! Hold on, hold on! What?!” Let’s break it down.

He did not want a body. 

This could mean one of two things. First, it could simply be referring to the fact that Solas did not want to be awakened from Uthenera--that he wanted to continue to exploring the Fade and believing that what had transpired was but a dream to be reflected in it. OR it could mean he didn’t have a body to begin with--that he was a spirit that manifested, much like Cole, because something resonated with his purpose so much that he decided to form physically. What that purpose was or is, I’m not sure, but it has something to do with the next line:

But she asked him to come. 

Assuming that ‘she’ is Mythal then it would lead one to believe that she ‘summoned’ Solas for a specific reason. Was it for justice? Revenge, as Flemeth stated? Or was it simply to be bound? Because the next line:

He left a scar when he burned her off his face.

This I believe refers to the vallaslin. I don’t believe we know precisely if Solas himself had vallaslin, but this insinuates he may have and it might have been Mythal’s design, which again, points towards the last line that states Mythal asked Solas to ‘come’. Had she branded him once he took a solid form? What were her plans for him? Did she take advantage of his purpose, whatever that may be? Wisdom or his namesake: Pride?  Is it linked to what will happen in DA4 since we still aren’t sure what Mythal precisely wants? Is she using Solas for something darker or grander? 

Did she warp a spirit into perceiving themselves as elven to achieve something before she was murdered? 

I mean, if we really wanna jump down the rabbit hole I could ask: Is it possible that a person, a solid person, could be made into a spirit? If Solas isn’t a spirit, could he have been made into one or did he himself do so, like how Cole made himself human? 

Tin foil hat. Tin foil hat. Thank you for crinkling it with me. Again, I could be over analyzing the fuck out of this and misinterpreting a lot of shit, but there’s something going on and, of course, it’s all about Mythal. What the hell does she waaaaant?!

[tobebugjewce]

THE WALTEN FILES: my jumbled notes on my blind run-in with this web series

first off this is gonna be long and unorganized, also this is my second time writing this as i had lost literally half of my progress and im This (imagine two fingers almost touching with a 0.0000000001mm distance between them) close to ripping all of the fucking hair out of my goddamn head. but now this will be extra long and yes, i will lose some accuracy to my first writing but thats okay ill probably edit this a kajillion times over

which brings me to my next tangent; im literally braindumping here. so to have a smidge of organization all afterthoughts, edits and corrections will be boldened, i forgot what im gonna do with italicized text but ill probably bolden it here yeah im pretty sure its for side tangents, separate from Corrections, which are in bold. also theyre for emphasis too.

so in general, this post right here is all of my notes i wrote down on my grid-patterned sticky notes (which i used WAYYYY too much of) about the first 3 uploaded walten files youtube videos transferred onto my handy dandy digital notebook, this b(l)og. yeppers peppers. you know im serious about this shit when i typed probably over like a thousand fucking words including boldened shit, italicized shit and motherfucking links, lost it ALL, and im sitting here re-typing it again.

i feel bad about this but im not gonna trigger warn right here, but this is technically a warning. if you want a list of triggers as to what this post (and the walten files in general) i will link a little list to that here

without further a doo doo, (mama mia) here the fucking fuck we go again.

THE WALTEN FILES - VIDEO #1

clarifying this now, im gonna put some useless shit which i thought was code onto this because even though it was useless it was part of my notes and im physically going to combust if i dont put down every single thing i wrote on my papers. so what i thought was code was in the closed captions, i started writing it down when i got to the second video but came back to my first videos notes to include them. i wrote down the first letter to every word that was capitalized in the closed captions, which i had on as a default because number one i knew going into this id need them because most web horror things like args and cryptic shit like that has some of the most crucial shits in the closed captions. number two i am autistic and have auditory processing issues and have most closed captioning on as a default if theyre available.

firstly jotted, i wrote down the closed captions “code” so im gonna put the rest here too: HYWITB(BSI)Y A(BSI)BJWFKWITW ILHHFSBBSBTLBWI USOISTBNBSFIRBCAWHSHCBWHTAIGRNB*C*BTWLTSFA(20)MCFP ILITIIACPH(1978, 1979)SA(4)YTSCH*C*OGSSU SFTGRPATDBBUTFBNLLCHMIHLBRALLCLAYTUKB*LC*WHATWASTHATTHING 

the numbers in parenthesis are there because i wasnt sure they should be included in the “code” or not. i also thought of this with the BSI - bunny smiles incorporated and also the years 1978 and 1979. the shits in asterisks are coughs and light coughs, which were capitalized in the closed captions so i included them too just in case

i then jotted, in parenthesis of course, the names of the animatronics when they were listed in the animation section of the video; bon aka the blue bunny, sha aka the sheep one, boozoo aka the clown<3 honk<33, and banny aka the purpled eyelashed up one who is also a bunny btw. also i got boozoo the clown and boozoo the mustache guy confused because apparently the clowns name is billy???? but they named “boozoo” in bons sleepover and showed the clown? idk maybe im an idiot and theyre the same or just an idiot and theyre different or a super mega (matt and ryan?!?!??) idiot in general which is probably the case

i started drawing little stars to write down things i thought would be super important or to 100% look at again. the first subject of this pointy torture was the part of the video where at 3:00, i marked it down to make sure to reverse the audio as it was most definitely a weird audio that has that signature warp-y effect that makes sure you KNOW its in reverse. i then listened back to it Very carefully (still got it wrong) and got this: “you finally start to remember. that old doll. they will look out for you soon” im also pretty sure i heard “sophie” at the end of that audio but im not entirely sure and dont remember and i dont wanna go back to check lmfao but anyways it didnt matter because i was wrong anyway. after i had finished all 3 walten files i watched the film theory video on the walten files (which didnt cover all 3 but was dece.) out of curiosity and to hear matpats signature silly little voice explain some stuff i already knew, and click some shit in my brain that i couldve thought up of if i was a bit more... i dont know honestly. anyways yeah so the actual audio is “you finally start to remember. that old day. they will look out for you soon.” so yeah. day, not doll.

i then wrote down “sarah evelyn”, the name on the bons sleepover animation (i dont remember if she created it or animated it or whatnot) and scribbled will she matter? under her name. turns out no, as i didnt see her name in the rest of the series, let alone the first video. this is also a great time to mention how matpat theory helped me realize that the walten files are collections of videos, uploaded onto youtube by anthony. (i already knew about anthony as he signed his name in the descriptions of the youtube videos, making me categorize this overall web series more into an arg type genre.) but yes, the tapes, recorded “irl” footage, animated clips, vhs tape recordings and other audio-visual content is all collected and labeled the walten files, as i had mistaken each video to be a tape. stupid me. alrighty, onward!

i starred this one, good for me; MISSING: Jack Walten LAST SEEN: 06/11/1974

i jotted down with an arrow that; sophie was a nightguard? she was wearing the uniform explained in tape 2 i dont know why but i went back into my video 1 notes after i had watched video 2. organization purposes. i guess.?? 

i then paused the video when the screen flickered a date, the beginning of video footage dated 10/10/1982 (Brian Stells?) god my little genius ass assuming the videographer was brian stells, based on the id card i saw earlier.

i then wrote down what text i saw on the dead, mangled, bloody body in the purple security suit; “i cant feel anything” “he thought i was her” then drew a little arrow pointing to; thought brian was sophie? or ashley? i also starred the name Brian Stells this is totally out of order LMFAOOOOOOOO also i wrote down ashley because, again, my little pea brain went back on my video 1 notes after watching video 2. but yep thats all i wrote for The Walten Files 1 - Company Introductory Tape

THE WALTEN FILES - VIDEO #2 

Tape #1 - created 07/02/1978

awesome how thats first and foremost in the captions. god. so sexy of you martin walls. /j /nsx

this pack of notes is chunkier because again, like i have mentioned before i am an absolute goober and thought the capitalized letters of the words would actually mean something. I MEAN MAYBE THEY DO AND IM JUST DOING IT WRONG but i stopped doing it after this video because holy shit it was exhausting and my stupid little fingers couldnt take the writing anymore becasue i am WEAK. 

so write off the bat (squeak) i wrote down 197[] the blacked out rectangle over the last digit of that year and everything im also now assuming its probably 1978 or 1974 because lore reasons but whos to say but yeah i also wrote down this;

Tape #2 - created 08/13/1978

then, straight up in the beginning of the video i caught it, the flash of text, as i had by now realized i gotta be SUPER stupid focused on the screen in case i miss anything, i wanted to be crazy precise on my theorizing and mental notes, among other things. but yes i saw it, the first half of a youtube link;  “https://youtu” 

claps hands together and rubs them evilly. oh yeah baby. thats the hot lunch. this shit right here? the cats pajamas. lets fucking go.

i wrote down this goofy shit i pasued to inspect when i saw bon sorting through a file cabinet and naturally scribbled down the labels and other written things i could see on the files; 

relocate X/X/75 felix

storage K-9 07/23/1975 felix k(ranken)

Bons Burgers 06/28/1974 Jack Walten

Shipping Service 1975

New Location -> 1982

i also wrote down more goofy shit, like when banny was created for some reason; in 1974

starred, i noted to go back and reverse the audio at 5:09, when played back, i didnt write it down so i dont remember. lmao.

i also marked to screenshot and brighten the darkened image i saw at 5:20, i was going to do it on my phone then realized i can just do it on my computer so i quickly took a screenshot, brightened it and wrote down what i saw; a missing person poster that read MISSING: SUSAN WOODINGS(?) Last seen: 1974 i was very unsure of the spelling of her last name because the image was so goddamn low quality and grainy but its what i saw. this is where tape #3 gets thrown in, which im gonna type again because i like how the formatting looks;

Tape #3 - created 07/09/1978 (BEFORE tape 2?!//1/1??? its more likely than you think)

i wrote down more dates, any dates i saw, i jotted down. i wrote; 

Technical Support 1978 

then, 

Brian Stells (for some reason i dont remember right now)

alrighty this is where the stupid capitalized letters come in, but before it looks like i vomit a keysmash time infinity on this, ill put down the little inbetween things i wrote in the midst of the caps lockalypse like timestamps and stuff, so here you go;

- Reverse at 8:16 which i did but of course didnt write down what i heard. i think it was too warbled to hear anything clear out of it, or it was just the good ol auditory processing issues fucking me over yet again. WAIT yep yes i did here it is: “rosemary would go to the restaurant every night hoping that [her] beloved husband would reappear after being missing for weeks but no response until one day [s]he heard a voice [saying] ‘i know where he is rosie’ coming from the back stage” the bracketed stuff is the corrections, i misheard the audio and thought the audio said “his”, “he” and “singing” like a nimrod

- Brighten at 10:14 which was another missing person poster, but i dont think it had any information on it because i didnt write it down, just;

- Sophie again (pic at 9:08?) (dismemberd and put in Sha) i was stupid and wrong haha idiot it was rosemary who was put in sha but anywho

i starred and underlined a huge thing i discovered which was;

- Walten had 3 kids which i dont remember how i found out but it doesnt matter, its good important info i uncovered.

- Tape #4 - Unkown Date

- recorded 07/12-07/14 1978 

- Hilary B, Ashley P & Kevin W i made sure to get these names down as soon as i saw them on screen but then realized shortly after i wouldnt really need to have it as the closed captions made sure i knew which person was talking by using their first initial (capitalized of course) before each line of text. this is the perfect time to announce the arrival of the clusterfuck of capital letters, which is going to include colons which will indicate that the letter before it is the initial of the person talking. without further aedue, here comes another chinese earthquake;

TCWTSTATO(K-9)TBSSFWFCNEHAWBSUBIUC(BSIIDC)OWHISF INBIJTILNSPL(K-9)LCSCKCCCWTTLTLITTTYROTFAJAMHPYYSTCSPMBBWSBIB H:NTPPCCK:DA:HH:YCPRPMWTCBCRAWK:JH:SYYTCPBACPSTBAWCA:TK(?):FMTTCMK:TCPNOA:DTOFK:ITNPPRA:YBUTIRRFH:HKIBESRAIA:TCK:WA:WPCCFTRRIDPEH:GGK:GPA:LKK:WA:HNCGTKMK:YH:IGKA:ESK:MFH:RK:HILRLBNTRPPUWHITRRTPEIFEPH:YWBEBPK:MAHPBTRPTRPEL(LN)HTACPKLIKHPFITSKLTKLB(LB?)ISIBSUBIPRW AEBATHSPUAICTPURTWBBRPHTRTIIIILTCITCUCCP S(bpe, be)WA”IDCPBPSIB

holy shit its finally over okay now onto some MORE of what i wrote down in between and also after that keysmash attack;

12 doors? (backrooms) 27? 26? i was unsure because ashley was unsure too lmfao

found cassette (6/11/78) <- says “discard”? yeah it did

Tape in clown audio, speaking voice; jack, susan, charles(?), rosemary, sophie, last word sounds like “walrus” it was walten lmfao

Ashley died? yeah she did lmfao OR AT LEAST I THINK SO??

starred this one, Reverse @ 17:06, then got this;

“they left the next day, they thought ashley left early, but she was in the backdoors, screaming as much as she could, but no one heard the screams, the following days the caretakers would complain about an awful smell coming from the backdoors, company decided to shut down facility until new advice, the relocate project was unsuccessful. ashley is still there, but she is not screaming anymore, she saw something she wasnt supposed to see and now shes beautiful” the phrase “shes beautiful” was repeating like a bajillion times in that wall of text. then, god motherfuckng bless: 

at 17:23 i found the other half of the youtube link, “.be/k07QqEDOfQ” i pieced that bad boy together as instant as i think any form of ramen could never be, but remained ever patient. because i made sure to jot down this before moving onto my next segment;

@ end of vid 2, “shadow man sees* me when lights go off” im an idiot *it was actually “feeds” not “sees”, which AGAIN, i only found out after watching the stupid little film theory video *begins snarling and foaming at the mouth*

okay im not proud to admit im editing this to post it and realized ive lost my notes. well. 

might as well post what ive got! if i find my shit ill add onto this, i suppose.

[gfpt-comic]

So. Here goes nothing... (1/?)

(Major spoilers for the comic, but since it won’t update anymore (besides PERHAPS some random comic strips/excerpts without context every now and then, but don’t count on it), I guess it doesn’t matter.)

If you read my answer to the ask posted earlier, you probably know what this post is about. I’ll make a list of every important point I wanted to tackle in the comic, in multiple sections. Be prepared for the long post that awaits you below the cut.

Summary of what was left of Chapter 2

Following their first appearance at the beginning of the chapter, Lolph and Dundgren try to question Blendin, who is staying at a hospital and is still under intense care. They discuss what exactly happened to Blendin in the first place: he was assigned what was supposed to be a routine mission to solve a minor time anomaly in the 21st century, but his time machine exploded when he tried to operate it and he was gravely injured. Dundgren mentions that any normal time device should hardly cause this much damage when malfunctioning, suggesting that Blendin’s level of incompetence is so incredibly high, it somehow managed to make something that shouldn’t be able to explode blow up in his face. On the other hand, Lolph starts to wonder if, exactly because it should be impossible, the accident may have had a reason other than just Blendin’s incompetence. Unfortunately, the accident had consequences so grave on Blendin’s physical health, it seemingly also took a toll on his sanity and questioning him only leaves them with esoteric sentences of dubious credibility.

Blendin: “This is very nice of you… to visit me. There isn’t much time left. I was starting to feel alone, before everything disappears.” Blendin: “Time Baby will succeed… He will free us from this time.”

July 13, 2012 again: back in the gift shop of the Mystery Shack, Wendy and Soos have captured Bill and tied him up to a chair. Wendy starts interrogating him, asking him who or what he is-- throwing in her multiple guesses: the Shapeshifter she defeated with Dipper in the bunker, a paper clone... She doesn’t suspect demon possession or a switch-because-of-the-carpet scenario, however. Bill just keeps trying to break free with little success, without answering; and soon, Stan interrupts them when he enters the gift shop as well, followed by the dozen of tourists he took during his latest tour. Wendy and Soos manage to evade Stan’s obvious questions by pretending they were making a new attraction.

Back in Mabel’s Dreamscape, Mabel encourages Dipper to have some fun with Bill’s powers, but he is scared of messing up because of just how powerful he is; having seen Bill’s powers both in the Mindscape/Dreamscape and in Weirdmageddon when he witnessed the alternate timelines, Dipper knows just how far those powers can go and he isn’t sure he can control them. Still, after some teasing Mabel starts a snowball fight with the surrounding ice cream, and gradually the twins have more and more fun starting with the ice cream, then with the tricks Dipper starts to use. When they take a break, Mabel points out that nothing bad happened, and Dipper grows a bit more confident that he can use Bill’s powers in a way that isn’t dangerous.

Dipper: “I guess it’s easy to do exactly what you want when it literally happens in your mind... Huh.”

Dipper notices it’s almost noon, and Mabel remembers that she was supposed to meet William at Greasy’s Diner for lunch. Mabel is unseasy upon thinking of talking to him again after what happened the day before, and Dipper confirms by showing William’s current whereabouts through a peephole that William seems about as worried as she is. Mabel takes a deep breath, makes sure that she will be able to see Dipper whenever she needs (during the night for sure, perhaps earlier if she asks for it). Still, just before Dipper wakes her up... She has a favor to ask him.

Mabel: “Now that you can do lots of magic stuff and all... Could you do something for me?”

Back in the gift shop, the tourists have left and Bill was untied due to Stan’s confusion over the situation. However, he is forced to stay inside and is stuck sitting by Wendy’s side behind the cashier desk. When Mabel goes through the gift shop to go to the Diner, everyone notices that she made a new sweater -- one with a pine tree symbol on it, no less. Bill is enraged but can’t stop her from leaving.

William has his first face reveal. He is a blonde 13-year-old, and is already waiting worriedly at Greasy’s Diner when Mabel arrives. He immediately apologizes for what happened on the day before.

William: “About yesterday, I... I’m sorry I said your brother was a bad influence. That was uncalled for.”

Mabel: “Yes. Yes it was.”

William is genuinely apologetic, but soon it is revealed that the reason why he thought Dipper and the Mystery Shack were a bad influence was because he doesn’t believe at all in the supernatural. Even if Mabel told him about her adventures, he assumed they were just stories she made up while playing in the Mystery Shack’s museum and never believed them to be true. Mabel tries to convince him by showing him some episodes of Dipper’s “Guide to the Unexplained” -- a series of videos he used to make and post online at the beginning of their summer break upon arriving in Gravity Falls, but stopped making altogether after Summerween. Sadly, the episodes made up until then did not revolve around exceptionally weird anomalies, and aren’t enough to convince William. The only thing William admits to being strange is the fact that every inhabitant of Gravity Falls is “out of their minds.”

Exasperated by William’s absurdly high levels of skepticism, Mabel eventually dares him to go on a forest expedition with her, Candy and Grenda on the next day, just so they can show him pretty much anything in the forest that is out of the ordinary. William strongly refuses and tries to dissuade her to go into the forest at all; he has been personally forbidden by his mother from going anywhere near the forest, and he has also read on the local news that there is currently a predator of unknown origin or species on the loose, which has been notably attacking sheep from the nearby farm. Mabel teases him about the fact that he believes that this creature is real, and suggests that it might be a werewolf for example; but William doesn’t take her seriously, especially because the creature is supposed to fly.

And... This is the part where my script starts getting wonky. I’ve been trying to fill the holes, but sadly it’s proven to be quite difficult, especially now that I know I won’t be drawing it in comic form anyway. Still, the main plot should be precise enough! The holes are mainly just “there should be some filler and/or foreshadowing to what’s coming here”, with little more than just prompts for what could be happening.

Back in the Mystery Shack’s gift shop, Wendy tries to sneakily question Bill, but when Stan asks them where Mabel went and Bill tells him she skipped her restocking duty so she could spend time with William at the Diner, Stan asks him to get her back. Bill happily takes this opportunity to slip out of the Mystery Shack, and have an excuse to bother Mabel at the same time.

Eventually, William is obligated to accept Mabel’s terms and intends on coming so he can at least make sure that the girls won’t put themselves in danger upon visiting the forest on their own.

Bill arrives at the Diner. William, thinking he is meeting Dipper again, tries to make amends for the things he said the previous day and says that he earnestly thinks they can start again on the right foot; Bill sadistically mocks him instead, all the while pretending to be Dipper, just so he can ruin Mabel’s hopes of reconciling William and Dipper. Bill finishes Mabel by forcing her to leave, saying that Stan expects her to work at the gift shop like she was supposed to since the beginning.

Mabel gone, William and Bill start to have a tense conversation; well, tense on William’s part, while Bill is mostly just having a blast driving William mad. The old fanfic that was the first “draft” version of the story has this chapter, which gathers most of the jokes I intended to keep, and at least some of the plot points. I’ll put a warning for awkward English, though. Oh and also, apparently in the old version it was July 3rd and not July 13th, so in the comic the “tomorrow is July 4th so the forest trip can’t happen anyway” excuse wouldn’t work.

About the Quetzalcoatlus thing: here, have some fun dinosaur size comparisons & history following my latest research on what the pterodactyl from S1E18: Land Before Swine.

William: “And how would you even know all that?”

Bill: “Because I ate Leonardo da Vinci.”

William: “. . .”

William: “… It must have been some VERY cryptic way for you to say that it was one of those conspiracy things mentioned in the old book supposedly written by a genius that you keep reading passionately every day. Right?”

Bill: “Oh, so your brain CAN work sometimes!”

Bill gets bit by a soothquito. His bite marks spell “FHOASE CORECULLY“

Upon leaving the Diner, they both see someone being kidnapped by a member of the Blindeye Society. William insists they immediately go warn the police, but Blubs and Durland prove to be ineffective as ever. Bill slips in one or two facts about the secret society, but William dismisses them completely as other random insane things Bill just happens to say all the time for trolling purposes.

Mabel is back in the Mystery Shack and starts her restocking duty, but her mind is clearly elsewhere. She starts mumbling to herself, but is interrupted by the decapitated head of Larry King who just happened to be in the vents nearby. Mabel isn’t surprised at all to see he survived, and when Larry King starts "interviewing” her about the issues she was mumbling about, she complies. Some time later, while Soos is cleaning up the floor, he overhears Mabel complaining about Bill being a jerk on purpose and making Dipper seem like a terrible person, and ends up hearing pretty much the whole story that way, without Mabel knowing. Soos proceeds to tell Wendy what he heard, helping them putting two and two together-- all the while understanding why Mabel didn’t warn them, and why they should stay silent as well. They decide not to tell Mabel they know her secret; but when Bill comes back later, just as Wendy’s shift was about to end, she has just one thing to tell him:

Wendy: “Tomorrow 6PM. My place.”

Night time; Bill is annoyed, but not very surprised by the fact that Soos is sleeping with him  for the night, in the room on the ground floor where Dipper had relocated. Bill is at least glad he no longer has to pretend to be Dipper around Wendy and him.

Soos proceeds to ask Bill what his intentions were; not just in the present times now that the switch occurred, but also before it.

Soos: “So you really are that triangle guy from two weeks ago?”

Soos: “Now that I'm thinking about it… A lot of things happened two weeks ago. That's when it began to get all wrong. Well, it was already wrong before that, but… That's really when you came that everything started to get all weird and… bad.“

Soos: “It all started because of that Summerween night. What did you want with us?”

Soos: “Why did you tell Dipper that Gideon summoned you?”

Bill: “It was just a job. Jobs are boring. There’s no fun in it if nobody’s trying to stop you.”

Bill: “Oh, and you wanna know the best part? If you’d taken Shooting Star along with you instead of going just the two of you, perhaps you would’ve had an opportunity to beat me.”

Soos: What did you do with Gideon two weeks ago? Dipper and I knew it wasn’t a coincidence that those government guys showed up just the next day. 

Bill: “Something that neither Pine Tree nor I want anybody to find out, I bet. Also if I were to tell you, you'd either faint or spend the next fourteen hours trying to explain it all to Red. Funny, but not worth it.”

Soos is disturbed by Bill’s attitude, because of course he tries to both troll and traumatize at once, and given how Soos was already terrified of Bill because of the Summerween night (”I’ve had nightmares for weeks!” from an earlier comic page), it doesn’t help. Soos tries to ask Bill about the deal he made with Gideon -- more specifically, he asks what Bill wanted in return for stealing the code from Stan’s mind. However, Bill doesn’t answer and instead opens the bedroom door to reveal that Mabel was trying to eavesdrop.

Mabel was mostly there to make sure that everything was alright, and deduces that Bill hadn't slept at all during the first night and that he intends to never sleep at all, even after she tells him that humans need sleep to survive. Thankfully she came prepared with a “surprise gift from Candy and Grenda”, and sprays Bill with Fairy Dust.

Mabel: “There’s probably enough in that bag to knock out a gremloblin in an instant, so I think he’s good for the night. :p”

Once Bill is asleep, Dipper takes this chance to come to his Dreamscape and talk to him one-on-one; and, he is not happy at how Bill treated Mabel so far. Still, after a certain point the conversation gets to a more pressing topic.

Bill: “You saw it happen, didn’t you?”

Bill: “Weirdmageddon. You saw it, right?”

Dipper: “. . .”

Bill: “Oh-ho, even better! There’s a timeline in which YOU make it happen, isn’t there?”

Dipper: “That’s not gonna happen.”

Bill: “Look kid, take it from me. The more you try to actively prevent a specific outcome, the more likely you usually make it happen.”

Dipper: “You can’t make something happen if you specifically stop everything that can lead to it from happening first.”

Dipper: “Even if it includes lying to Mabel…  I saw it. If she learns there’s a way to get me a physical form, she’ll try anything to make it happen and disregard the consequences. I bet she trusts me to keep things under control, but everything else? There’s just... There’s too many variables. We can’t let her know anything about the portal. Or Weirdmageddon.”

Bill: “Well, that doesn’t change anything from my original plan anyway.”

Bill: “So you’re just gonna stay in the Nightmare Realm forever, is that it?”

Dipper: “That’s not much of a plan so far, but that’s still an effective way to save the world.”

Bill: “Don’t mess with me. You DO know that if you don’t make your way to another dimension eventually, you’re just going to die, right?”

Dipper: “... W-what are you talking about?”

Bill: “Wait. You REALLY didn’t figure that out yet?”

Bill: “The Nightmare Realm is unstable. It’s just gonna collapse one of these days, destroy everything in it. Could be in a billion years. Could be tomorrow.”

After leaving Bill’s Dreamscape, Dipper decides to visit Wendy’s and tell her everything. He confirms her doubts, tells her the whole story with the carpet... And he tells her about Weirdmageddon and what Bill just told him about the Nightmare Realm.

Dipper: “I mean, it’s better this way for everyone, and of course I’m not gonna go with Bill’s original plan to destroy the laws of physics or whatever, but… I-I just don’t wanna die, you know?”

Wendy: “Don’t worry. We’ll find a way.”

> Summary of chapters 3 and 4

[captaincravatthecapricious]

Reoccurring Nightmare- Prompt Fill

cw for exhaustion, anxiety, crying

Send me more prompts!  (Bingo by @celosiaa​) The ones with stars are the ones I already have prompts for, the crossed out ones are the ones I have posted! Send me a character, a prompt, and tell me if you want an art or a fic!!!!!! I am captaincravatthecapricious on tumblr!

There is a knocking in his ears.  At his door.  On his person.  On the inside of his skull.  The knocking in his chest.  His heart trying to get out of him.  Anxiety?  Mirroring the knocking on his door for two weeks.  Knocking that should have been Tim or Sasha or Jon.  

Every night the same.  Every night on a passible cot.  In this cramped little room.  Variations on the same theme.  The knocking in his head… in his memory shaking him for the same dream.  Leaving him bleary and only the slightest bit alive during the day.  Turning the past… month?  Into nothing but a sleep deprived blur.  Days having no meaning when nights don’t bring rest.  When there is no daylight, and few meals.  He isn’t hungry because all he can think about is that damp, decaying smell.  Of earth and compost and rot.  Gone past the restless hunger of exhaustion, and straight into the churning nausea of trying to stay conscious.  

His handwriting is worse than it ever has been.  Nodding off at his desk.  The notes he is taking turning into cryptic squiggles as the words blur before his eyes.  

He’s been trying to listen to Jon tell him something for the past 15 minutes, but he has no idea what.  His eyes keep sliding shut and his neck is getting sore from jerking as he tries not to fall asleep.  

“Martin?”  That would be Jon, right?  Yes.  Jon is right in front of him.  It would make sense if it were Jon.  Right?  Right?  Right?  Is he even at his desk?  Is he still backed against the wall at, in his flat?  Spare cloth shoved under every crack?  Duct tape and packing tape and linens and clothes?  Keeping them out?  But the knocking continuing?  Or is that his heartbeat?  

Jon is getting a little alarmed by Martin.  Martin had looked… rough when he burst into his office, weeks ago now.  But he isn’t looking better.  Jon watches Martin repeatedly fall asleep as Jon tries to express his growing… concern about Martin’s current state.  

Jon wrings his hands nervously for a few seconds before stopping himself.  He clenches his hands into fists by his sides to stop his fidgeting.  “Martin…. Are… are you all right?”  Stupid.  Stupid.  Stupid.  Of course he isn’t.  The man is falling asleep at his desk.  He isn’t alright.  

This jerks Martin awake again.  

“Fine  I’m fine!”  Martin’s voice has jumped an octave and breaks halfway through.  

Jon clears his throat.  He really hasn’t planned out what to do next.  What did he even think he could accomplish here?  He could get Martin to the cot, but as far as Jon knows, Martin has spent a lot of time there.  Jon has been keeping later and later hours since Martin got back, and has tried to keep an eye on Martin.  

He needs to do something.  

How did he not get suspicious?  

He should have checked in on Martin.  14 nights.  14 nights he spent sleeping or... trying to sleep... or to be fair about 10 nights sleeping, and 4 nights failing to and working instead... in any case he wasn't there!  He has to do something this time.  He failed last time.  He should have been a better boss.  He should have been less of a right ass.  

"Martin, I have to request that we continue this conversation once you have gotten some rest.  Please."

Well that probably wasn't helpful.  Especially because Martin looks slightly panicked now.  

"It's fine, Jon really.  I'm fine.  I'll just... I'll just get back to this..."  Martin glances down as if checking what he is actually supposed to be working on.  "Followup.  I'll have it for you in an hour, yeah?  I'll bring you tea?"  

Jon pulls a face.  This is not what he was getting at.  "Martin I want you to get some rest so you don't collapse, you can worry about that later so I don't have to redo everything because you aren't awake enough to do it properly."  Well... he got a sentence out, but it wasn't as... kind as he had hoped it would come out.  

Martin's face falls.  "right ...yeah.  Sorry."  Martin makes no move to get up.  

Jon is half afraid that he will just give up and sleep at his desk, which Jon can reliably report is not good for the spine.  And Jon does not have the means to lift Martin, nor does he want to break the touch barrier.  He doesn't know Martin well enough for that.  It had taken him months to get there with Tim.  Maybe Tim could carry Martin... but that is all the farther he get with that thought before Martin bursts into tears.  Which Jon honestly finds even more alarming.  

Jon prefers to do his crying far far away from prying eyes.  The idea of being comforted sounds both very nice and very uncomfortable and if anyone were to catch him crying at work, he would very much prefer they simply pretended nothing was going on. 

Right.  Martin.  

Jon nudges Martin's box of tissues a little closer and just... stands there, staring off just above Martin's head.  What else is he supposed to do?  He could bring him water, but that acknowledges that Martin is crying, which Martin might not appreciate?  Then again, Jon doesn't know what Martin likes.  Would it betray his trust to go and fetch Tim?  Or Sasha?  Or hell even Rosie would be better equipped to handle this.  Jon doesn't know shit about comforting people.  He is half convinced that that is part of the reason Georgie broke up with him.  

He turns on his heal and retrieves water and some biscuits for Martin.  It isn't tea, but Jon has no clue how Martin takes his tea and doesn't want to leave for too long.  Maybe he can shield Martin from the others if they actually come back from lunch on time.  Which ....Jon doubts.  

Martin is doing his best to dry his eyes with minimal success, when Jon returns.  Jon sets the water in front of him and nudges the biscuits in line with the water.  

Jon clears his throat.  "Would you like to be left alone or would you... like a hug?'  

Martin snorts at the clear awkwardness laced in the word "hug."  It's a damp sound.  "Not if you say it like that, Jon.  I'm fine.  I'll just... wash my face and get back to work."

"Martin, please I... you need to rest.  Not just for your work, that was supposed to be a... Martin I am actually worried about you.  Please go and get some rest."

Martin whines slightly and then flushes at the idea that he made such an embarrassing sound.  At least, Jon presumes that is why he flushes.  

He is clearly embarrassed enough to give it up and go to the cot because Martin gets up and heads in that direction.  Muttering a teary, "fine," as he leaves.  

Jon is jolted out of his work by screaming.  He follows it towards Martin's room, heart hammering loud enough to make him dizzy.  "Martin!"  He bursts in without knocking.  And Martin is...

curled up on the cot... looking even more tired and embarrassed.  

"Sorry," he mumbles, having come awake with his own scream, Jon presumes.  Or perhaps when Jon entered. "Nightmares.  I'm fine.  Go back to work.  Or better yet You take a nap."  

The last part was in a sharper tone then Jon is used to from Martin.  

"I'm fine," Jon echos.  Defensive.  He is.  Mostly.  True he's been pulling some ridiculous hours, but that is for Martin.  He needs to help.  He needs to try to understand what is happening.  "Martin, is there anything I can do?"

"No.  Jon.  It's fine.  Go back to work.  I'll have a lie down and then I'll get back to work."

"Would... would company help?  I... I could take a lie down on the floor?  And then you... wouldn't be alone?"

Silence falls heavily.  Jon is worried he has overstepped.  Wouldn't that be just like him?  Make Martin feel worse.  Just like he always does.  

Adrenaline from earlier getting recycled into guilt.  His hands are prickling with anxiety.  He tries to shake them out subtly.  

Martin is staring at Jon's feet.  Or rather at the floor next to them, and has gone a bit red.  

"Look, Jon, I don't want you to sleep on the floor."

"It's fine.  Better than my desk.  It will likely be the best sleep I've gotten in a while.  Think of it as a benefit to me.  ...I... I understand not sleeping well."  Jon also stares at the floor.  He distantly wonders if they are staring at the same spot.  An indirect staring contest.  Indirect like everything Jon does.  Everything just to the left of what he means.  He scuffs his foot on the floor.  

Martin scoots until he is pressed to the wall, and pointedly doesn't look at Jon as he pats the cot next to him.  

Holding himself stiffly, Jon toes off his shoes and folds his jacket, and stretch himself next to Martin on the too-narrow cot.  

Hardly five minutes later, they are both are in an uneasy sleep.  But it is an improvement.  

[pinkesthoney]

Howling at the Full Moon (pt 1)

Summary: Basically I’m hopped up on pre-full-moon-month energy and had to write something. You are Commodus’ date to a party wearing this dress posted by @it-vexes-me​. He drives himself crazy giving you wine to try and food to eat. 

Warnings: Dirty talk, suggestive themes but no smut yet!! 

Pairing: Commodus x F!Reader

Commodus almost couldn't bear the sight before him: you were (barely) wrapped in a gown made of fine black silk and a smooth gold ring. He had half a mind to demand you go and change until he saw how your eyes were absolutely glowing with pleasure.

He couldn't take away anything that made you this happy, even if it means he'll be snarling and glaring at any man who dares come within ten feet of you all evening–not that he wasn't usually possessive anyway.

30 minutes earlier. . .

"...Mistress, your dress has just arrived." the ancilla was very sweet, and very considerate about interrupting you while you were engulfed in painting. You glanced over, giving her a warm smile and waving her in along with the servus carrying the new package.

"Ah at last!! Ooh I am so excited for this one! Oh dear, will I have time to clean this mess off do you think?" you asked, looking down at the paint smudged all over your hands and arms.

"Certainly Miss, I'll fetch some hot water;." She reassured you, taking the dress from the servus and sending him off to go bring some boiled water. In the meantime she filled your bronze clawfoot tub partway with the water from the aqueduct. She helped you out of your paint stola and into a dressing robe. Quickly, the servi returned with the hot water and you were submerged in blissfully warm water, washing away the marks of your work.

After bathing, your ancilla helped anoint your skin with some crocus-infused olive oil. When you'd made sure your skin was glowing and soft as could be, you gleefully unwrapped your new dress, your ancilla giddily watching over your shoulder.

"Oh isn't it just magnificent?" you purred, letting it hang before you. "Do you think my Emperor will like it too? Not that it would change my opinion–but it would be a perk." you mused.

"Yes, Empress, I think he will be most...captivated." she giggled. With her help, you maneuvered into the luxurious silk.

"Ooh it's cold! thank gods it’s a warm night. mmm I can just hear the cicadas now." You felt goosebumps jump up on your skin both at the breeziness of the garment itself and the cold metal that kissed your skin from rib to hip.

You and your ancilla giggled together as she finalized your hair. You had her make it appear purposefully relaxed, framing your face gently without appearing over-styled.

Yes, you looked divine and you couldn't wait to steal the attention of every guest tonight. You had a knack for simultaneously being the center of attention without ever acknowledging it.

You dismissed your ancilla with a warm smile. You let yourself luxuriate it the power you felt. Your skin tingled with the cool metal, slick silk, and smooth as butter feeling of your oiled skin. It was divine.

This is how your emperor found you–stroking your hands gently along your exposed rib and across your collarbone. You glowed in the candle light, offset by the rich black silk and shining gold. He fell even more in love with you, just seeing you enjoy yourself so freely.

Commodus loved how innocently joyous you were. Like you'd never been hurt by the world–though he knew otherwise. You shone with some internal light, only accentuated by the candles.

"My Princess, you outshine the stars. Do you not think they will be jealous?" Commodus purred in his low timber, coming up behind you and wrapping his arms firmly around your waist, pulling you into his warm, sturdy body. He protected you in all ways, even when there was no threat present. That's why you could be so open and giddy.

"Well then, my King, kiss me for luck and I'll not fear their ire." You purr, leaning your head back, exposing your neck to him and letting Commodus swoop down and claim your lips. You let yourself melt into his hold.

"I can do you one better, my dear. See what I've brought for you here from Greece" as he said this he produced a delicate gold-link necklace with a blue eye pendant. Commodus knew you were firm in the spiritual realm and were always conscious of protecting yourself, so he'd found the most trusted mystics of his time, who had all recommended you wear a Nazar. The blue eye was found in many cultures and thought to ward off jealous thoughts and curses.

"It's perfect, thank you." You were smiling brightly as he draped the necklace around your neck. His hand lingered for a moment, not choking you, just holding you against himself. You could feel exactly how he felt about your dress and it delighted you.

"My King, I'm quite excited to make our appearance tonight." You giggled, gently prodding him to restrain himself... for now.

"I can't say I'm not dreading it in part. Those men will have eyes like wolves. But that will just give me all the more liberty to show them exactly who holds your heart."  He huffs against the nape of your neck. He's tempted to make a mark of some kind but thinks better of it. That would be a bit juvenile...maybe. He forces his mind elsewhere before he can consider it further.

"Ah, should we go, my moon?" He asks, voice just a bit strained.

"If it pleases my Emperor" You respond, feigning over-sweetness, knowing it would make him laugh. You loved his laugh–and it also took some of the tension out of his shoulders.

Together you made your way to the large peristyle, your hand linked in the crook of his arm. You entered the garden and was taken away yet again by the way the plants danced in the warm lantern light. Tonight the garden was filled with members of the patrician and equite classes along with artists whose patrons invited them to show off their work.

You loved nights like this that showed off the side of Rome you loved. The art and those who supported it in full bloom. Like your Emperor had predicted, glances rippled through the crowd as your appearance become known.

You felt Commodus' hand on your side tighten. You were sure by the time the night was through you'd have his handprint tattooed on your skin.

You loved Commodus for many reasons, one of which is how he doesn't try to pull you away from your thoughts and into the relatively dull conversations he has to politely endure thanks to his role as Emperor. Instead he just glances at you adoringly and supplements your responses whenever absolutely necessary. If there’s a conversation he knows would interest you, he knows how to gain your attention. Meanwhile you let yourself be swept from conversation to conversation by Commodus' guiding arm as you marvel at the colors, smells, tastes, and art of the evening.

You get lost often in the feeling of the night air on your skin and Commodus' warm palm pressing into you. Every now and then, Commodus will press a glass of sweet wine to your lips for you to taste. More often, he will press a morsel of meat, cheese, or fruit to your lips. When he does, you're sure to lick and suck the pads of his fingers. This always causes him to close his eyes in bliss, but the noises he makes have become progressively more needy.

First he barely even let out a sigh but that was hours ago. By now he's practically moaning at every occasion. He's torn between not feeding you anymore, so as to save himself this torture. But he's an addict. Not just for the feel of your lips, but the delightful noises of pleasure you make, the way your eyes shine just for him. So he continues, and he thanks the gods his armored waist hides how you are making him feel–not that his moans are that cryptic.

You could feel the tension in him building as the night went on and were eager to reach the end of it too, knowing Commodus was the best lover after a long period of denial. The longer the better as something inside Commodus snapped and his primal nature was given full reign.

You could see the lanterns dimming and guests making their goodbyes. With each one Commodus grew more and more tense. As Emperor, he could do as he liked, but you'd persuaded him that it might be a nice gesture to see each guest out. He was now regretting his agreement to do so.

Commodus was a live wire and you absorbed all that energy, which manifested in you giggled brightly and running your nails up his neck into his hair. When the last guest has said their goodbye, Commodus practically carried you back to your shared bedchamber.

He growled a terse order at your guards that no one was to enter. He would never leave you unprotected. The guards would remain outside your doors. As a couple, you were far from shy and your safety was priority anyway.

Entering the chamber, he dropped you heavily on the bed. He stood at the foot of the four-poster looking down at you like a wild animal that had been denied his prey one too many times. "Now. Since you've seen fit to taunt me endlessly with that divine mouth of yours, I think it's only fit to return the favour–wouldn't you agree?"

Stay tuned for part two ;)

[mimosaeyes]

“You were upset about Simon, though,” Jon muses. “And I don’t think it was because of the rollercoaster thing. Not really.” 

Post-174, with references to 173 and 151. Jon and Martin anchor each other in the Vast, and discuss agency and significance. 1k.

@emberidzae broke beta land speed records on this. Thanks fren.

The Vast is not just big — it’s bright, too. There had been an interlude of ordinary apocalyptic sky between the Dark and this, but somehow it’s like Martin’s eyes haven’t adjusted. The light hurts, and disorients him. It doesn’t have a clear source, like the sun; it’s simply ubiquitous, uniform in intensity no matter which way he looks, and unchanging over time.

It bleaches the colour of the ground, their clothes, his very skin. Three days? Another three hours, he thinks, and he might already be transparent. Incorporeal. He might blow away on the next gust of wind that radiates outward from each point where the Great Beast takes another ponderous step.

That impact has been the only sound for so long that he startles a little when Jon suddenly speaks. “Are you alright, Martin?”

Oddly, hearing his name brings him back to himself. He gives himself a mental shake and blinks against the light. His vision swims for a second, then focuses on Jon. 

“Fine,” he answers. “Why?”

Jon cants his head at him, while keeping his feet angled unerringly in the direction of the Panopticon. “I just thought... well. If the Vast is the fear of your own insignificance, it’s not all that different from the Lonely, is it.”

Martin furrows his brow. “How d’you mean?”

“Losing yourself in too much space, losing yourself because you feel disconnected from other people, because they seem so far away...” Jon lifts his shoulders in a halfhearted shrug, shifting his backpack’s weight around. “I lost you in that house. And you’ve been quiet for so long, I just — I wanted to remind you you’re not walking through this barren wasteland alone.” His lips lift in the shadow of a smile on these last words, wry and a little self-deprecating.

“Oh,” Martin says. His experience of the last who-knows-how-much-time realigns itself in his head, and he repeats, “Oh.”

Stumbling slightly in his rush, he reaches for Jon’s hand and clasps it tightly. Jon returns the pressure after a brief moment of hesitation. The sensation grounds him at once, reminding him exactly where and who he is in these homogeneous, apparently boundless surroundings. He sighs with something akin to relief.

“Martin?” Jon says tentatively.

“Better,” he responds, answering the unspoken question. “Thank you. I... I didn’t even realise.”

In response, Jon only makes a vague contented noise, and runs his thumb over Martin’s hand once, twice.

They walk on like that for some time before Martin finishes processing the rest of what Jon had said. “Wait,” he says slowly, “how long was I not talking?”

He half-expects Jon to give him one of his infuriating, cop-out answers, but instead, with barely a pause, he gets: “Thirty-one hours, seventeen minutes, and twenty-six seconds.”

Martin stops walking so he can properly rail on Jon, though the effect is rather spoiled by the fact that they’re still holding hands. “So much for Mr. Cryptic!” he says accusingly. “Mr. ‘What Counts As A Day? What An Excellent Question’. You know exactly how much time is passing.” 

He doesn’t really mean for it to sting, but he’s tired and apparently has been dissociating for more than a day, so his joking tone ends up far sharper than he intends. Wincing, Jon pulls his hand back from Martin’s, and rubs it absently. 

“No,” he explains, “I know how long I take to breathe in and out. Since the terrain is flat here, the rate was steady. I can’t do it all the time, it takes conscious effort. I only started counting because you seemed upset with me, and I didn’t know how long to give you — ha — space.”

“Why would I be upset with you?”

Jon scuffs his shoe against the ground. A muscle jumps in his jaw. “Because I didn’t kill Simon Fairchild, but I did kill all those other avatars. I didn’t smite them out of... righteousness, I did it for petty revenge.”

Gods or whichever-dread-power-it-may-concern help him, his boyfriend cannot process his own emotions. “Jon,” Martin says patiently, “I’m not upset with you.” He pauses, making his voice even gentler. “You’re upset with yourself.”

Jon looks up, his mouth falling open slightly. “Oh,” he says, echoing Martin earlier. 

It occurs to Martin how weird it is that they seem to know each other better than they know themselves. There might be a lot of tension between them due to various end-of-the-world reasons, but that still holds true.

“You were upset about Simon, though,” Jon muses. “And I don’t think it was because of the rollercoaster thing. Not really.”

Martin sighs. Now it’s his turn to stare at his feet and scuff his shoe. “Yes,” he admits. “I’ve been quiet because I’ve been thinking.”

A beat. “Are you willing to tell me what about?” Jon asks softly. Martin silently appreciates his effort to avoid asking a direct question and compelling an answer out of him.

“Peter Lukas asked Simon to explain the Extinction to me. He didn’t do anything, sure, but — but that’s just it. He was okay with Armageddon happening. He said it didn’t matter, cosmically, whether people ever lived, or whether they suffered before they died. He said it was about the big picture.” He takes a deep breath. “When we left those kids in the Dark...”

He trails off, biting his lip, but Jon comes in, fierce and certain. “No, Martin. It’s not the same thing.”

“Isn’t it?” Martin offers him a crooked smile. 

Jon is already shaking his head. “You don’t believe that. I listened to your tapes, every one of them. I remember what you said to Fairchild. You told him you thought our experience of the universe has value, even if it doesn’t last. Even if it’s only a, a blip in the universe.” 

He takes a step closer, cupping his hand over the back of Martin’s neck. “Don’t you still believe that?”

Martin’s breath catches in his throat. 

“I have to,” he whispers, in a vast, near-featureless plain. Under a sky that feels like it looks at him and sees absolutely nothing of significance there. “I have to believe that what we do matters.”

Jon presses their foreheads together. “Then it does.”

Their voices are almost lost in the great expanse. But only almost.

[also available on AO3 here]

[my TMA fic on AO3]