#also why does breaking up a fight loose faith? why is that my problem

[notquitehuman-creations]

some asshat beat narinder to death and my game keeps crashing every time I go to bring him back

[thevindicativevordan]

Why isn't Nightwing a bigger deal? He has all of Batman's skills and Superman's faith in humanity and is arguably the most beloved hero in the DCU, but most people seem to know him either as the leader of the N̶o̶t̶ ̶J̶L̶ Teen Ttians or just Robin.

Thank you for asking me about Nightwing, I've been wanting to write a piece about him for a while now. The short version is that everyone who claims Dick becoming Nightwing was him "moving out of Batman's shadow and becoming his own man" is completely wrong.

Dick Grayson is a fantastic character, someone who saved Bruce Wayne in-universe both by forcing Batman to grow up a bit, and the countless times he saved Batman's life as his partner whether as Robin or Nightwing. Dick saved Batman in the real world as well, hard to believe but Batman was actually in danger of being cancelled due to poor sales early on. Enter Robin, a young daredevil audience stand in the creators hoped would get kids interested in reading Batman. And it worked! Sales on Batman doubled once Robin showed up which is crazy to think about, but Dick Grayson has always been a popular character. Cartoons like Teen Titans, Batman: The Animated Series, and The Batman only helped grow his audience.

Character-wise, Dick Grayson really does fill a number of crucial roles in the DCU. For Batman, Dick is proof that Batman is a positive force. Meeting Batman helped change Dick for the better, helped him heal after his parents died. With Dick, Batman can take comfort in knowing that yes, he has made a difference in the world for at least one orphan boy, which is all he wanted when he lost his parents himself. To the wider DCU, Dick is a friendly face who convinces others that Batman is competent and not a complete asshole. He took this kid in, trained him to be one of the best heroes the DCU has seen, and did it all out of the kindness of his heart. That someone like Dick can confront the evils of Gotham and not break means there's still hope for that city. As Robin, Dick has led the Titans and is an icon in his own right as The Sidekick, the original, the one every other Robin is built around copying or contrasting. The one all other superhero sidekicks are drawing on as a basis. As Robin Dick Grayson is very much on Batman's level.

Just not as Nightwing. As Nightwing, Dick has been a second rate Daredevil which means he's a third rate Batman (fully prepared to get hate for this but I've read and enjoyed the Miller and Bendis DD runs so I feel entitled to my opinion). A typical Nightwing run tends to go like this: Moving to Bludhaven (which is Gotham... but WORSE!), Dick Grayson usually enrolls in a pointless job we don't care about in order to provide some meaningless soap opera drama that doesn't go anywhere. Patrolling the city as Nightwing, he fights a variety of bad guys who are usually rather lame and unthreatening, with his big bad being a Kingpin knockoff called Blockbuster. Villains are fought, long running plotlines are set up, then everything is abandoned because it's Batfamily event time, and Dick has to run back to Gotham in order to play sidekick again. Usually his involvement is completely superfluous and it would've been better if the writer had gotten to opt out. By the time we finally get back to Nightwing's solo plotlines, the audience has usually ceased to care and the run gets cut short.

That's how Nightwing has been since the New 52 at least. Anyone who thinks that's "becoming their own man" is out of their mind. Dick is so thoroughly in Batman's shadow that he got shot in the head and spent a longer time as "Ric" which everyone fucking hated and sold like shit, than he did as Agent Grayson which was extremely well-received. Reiterating: Ric went on longer than Grayson because of a fucking Batman plotpoint Tom King wanted where Bruce was sad and cut off from the Batfamily because of Dick getting shot. Not just calling out King either, how many times was Kyle Higgins Nightwing run derailed because of Scott Snyder's crossovers? Or how about that entire run getting dumped to the side because Johns wanted to out Dick during Forever Evil, a Justice League/Lex Luthor story? DC has repeatedly made their contempt for Nightwing clear, he's Batman's sidekick still in their eyes, and he serves whatever story role the Batman writer wants.

Hell his best stories tend to have been the ones where he's not Nightwing. He was Robin in a good chunk of the Wolfman/Perez New Teen Titans run. Morrison really showcased his depth as a character when they wrote him as Batman, their time with Dick under the cowl was actually one of the first Batman runs I ever read, and no Nightwing run has ever matched it in terms of quality in my humble opinion. Scott Snyder's work with DickBats also was a high point for the character, showing Dick as competent and examining his relationship with Gotham and the Gordons. King and Seeley gave him one of the best comic runs with Grayson, a series where he wasn't even a "superhero" technically! When it comes to actual pre-New 52 Nightwing runs that are highly recommended where he *is* Nightwing, there's Chuck Dixon and uhhhhhhh... Tomasi's brief run before Dick became Batman? It's not exactly an overwhelming list.

Look there has been good work done with Nightwing, I'm not claiming there hasn't been. Tim Seeley wrote a great run with Nightwing Rebirth. Seeley fleshed out Dick's Rogues Gallery with cool new ones like Raptor, he brought back old foes like Dr. Hurt (why oh why couldn't you have brought back Flamingo too?), he gave Dick's world some character it solely needed. Bludhaven under Seeley is pretty much the only time I've really felt like it lived up to being Dick's city.

The problem with fictional cities is you have to put in the work to give them the character of real cities. You have to make the cities feel like characters in their own right. Gotham is the best example of this, it's a character all it's own, one that tells you a lot about Batman and his cast. In contrast Bludhaven is usually one of the worst. Any place that wants to claim to be worse than the city that is built over the gate to hell and gets wrecked every other month by the Arkham freaks has to really put in the work to compete. Simply put, Bludhaven typically fails utterly. There's nothing about it that makes you really buy it's worse than Gotham, I mean does anyone really think Nightwing's Rogues wouldn't get their lunches eaten by Batman's? No, no one genuinely buys that. When Bludhaven claims to be worse, it just comes across as tryhard, an attribute that does end up telling you about Nightwing in unintentional ways.

So Seeley didn't do that. Instead he created a city built for a hero like Dick Grayson. Someone who is bright and flashy, but does have an element of darkness to him. Someone who loves the spotlight, but often uses it to obscure. Seeley turned Bludhaven into Las Vegas, and that was the fucking best concept for Bludhaven I have ever seen, it makes so much sense. Las Vegas is the "Entertainment Capital of the World" and isn't that the perfect city for a hero who got their start working in the circus? Isn't the aesthetics of the gleaming casinos, the glamorous sex appeal of the performers, and the spectacle of the shows, all being used to cover up the seediness of mob bosses meeting backstage perfect for Nightwing? It's so utterly unlike New York City, yet Las Vegas is still dangerous, it's got a crime culture all it's own. Seeley used it to great effect, as did Humphries during his brief run, and I will always be pissed that DC didn't continue to use it. That should have stuck around and been the definitive look for Bludhaven.

How Seeley's take on Bludhaven was treated feels like a small scale version of how Nightwing in general gets treated. Whenever creators pitched ideas for him, if editorial thought there was potential to break big, they asked for those ideas to be repurposed for Batman instead. Anything big or good gets repurposed for Batman or tossed to the side so Nightwing can go back to his default: having irrelevant adventures in a city that is supposedly worse than Gotham but can't live up to it. Just like how Nightwing is supposedly better than Batman but never gets to show it. Goddamn it's so frustrating seeing his potential get wasted like that.

The Nightwing book should be one of DC's most ambitious books in terms of storytelling. You can go from traditional superhero stories, to romantic soap opera, to spy stories, to crime noir, to horror, to cosmic adventures, and ALL of them would fit because Nightwing is someone who has a foot in both Gotham and Metropolis. He's got friends everywhere on every team, and has been a hero longer than most Leaguers have at this point. No reason DC should still be afraid to let him loose and insisting on hewing close to what Dixon established almost over 30 years ago is only holding him back. At the very least get him some better Rogues, why the hell didn't he get to keep Professor Pyg? That's Dick's villain not Bruce's! Bullshit that they didn't let Dick keep him. Hopefully Flamingo comes back, with a slight revamp I think he'd make a great reoccurring Nightwing Rogue.

Luckily it does look somewhat like Nightwing fans have reason to be optimistic. While Taylor isn't to my taste, DC clearly views him as a "big" writer, and that they put him on Nightwing says a lot. Taylor has been selling well so far, so hopefully he gets to tell his story, hilarious that even he lampshaded having to write Dick running over to Gotham for another tie-in after Taylor's big opening arc was all about Dick committing himself and his money to Bludhaven. Scott Snyder is apparently working on a Black Label Nightwing book which will explore how he's a different detective than Bruce. The Gotham Knights video game has him as one of the main stars, and while Titans is... controversial, it's one of the most popular streaming shows and Dick is the main character. There's a lot of content coming that features him in the starring role, and that will only help his star rise further.

For the first time in, well, ever it feels like DC may be serious about elevating him. Time will tell if it pays off, but I for one choose to be optimistic that the 2020s will be a turning point for Dick Grayson where Nightwing becomes hugely popular in his own right. Not just as Batman's sidekick.

[miraculouscontent]

(miraculous asks)

Anonymous said:

Oh My Gosh!!!! I was just thinking about Party Crasher and man I hate how they had Ladybug get captured for the men to save! It's a continuous thing you see in media: strong heroic woman gets put in peril so that the men can shine. I didn't even realize it until you said it! I get that it was probably meant to be a "role reversal" of Chat always getting kidnapped or brainwashed for Ladybug to save, but the fact that this is the "guys' episode" it read like "well damn, we can't have the guys be strong if a girl is in the way; let's have the girl get captured so the boys can prove their worth by rescuing her!".

At least in Sandboy, Ladybug was still competent and came up with the plans, but this?! It makes me sick, and it's all too easy to fall into these traps; even Kim Possible did it! In my magical girl story, the heroine does get put in a magical coma and require someone to bail her out, but it's her female friends AND her boyfriend who save her, so it's not just a girl being weakened so a boy can be powerful, especially since said boy actually does a minority of the work required to save her; the focus is on the female characters so it's her girl friends who do most of it. I still ended up scrapping that side plot anyway, and do you know why? Because regardless of who saved her, I still didn't want my female protagonist to be put in distress at all due to the unfortunate implications! Needing help in a fight? Sure. But outright being captured or kidnapped? Nah fam.

I was honestly thinking about that when the first episode came out. Like, they could’ve just had Marinette NOT SHOW UP in time so the guys take care of things, which at least gives more of a message that Paris wouldn’t go to hell just because Ladybug is a little late or something.

And yeah, the “boys squad episode so gotta toss the girl out” is... sigh.

Anonymous said:

I think the writers were trying to show Chat angsting to show his regret instead of an actual apology. Still doesn't explain why Aeon didn't bring up her death afterwards. Did Olympia delete that from her memory banks?

I guess? :|

I don’t know why Chat can’t just apologize without fishing or trying to earn sympathy. Like JUST SAY YOU’RE SORRY, DAMMIT.

Anonymous said:

If you haven't read Maribat, then you won't regret it. I am not in the DC universe but I started reading it and WOW. Literally every single time Marinette is a badass queen and gets her complete revenge and is actually happy! Even if you absolutely love Lukanette (which I have nothing against) you should totally try it.

Appreciate the comment, but I find it hard to ship other Marinette ships outside of Lukanette. Ivanette is a very loose exception and it’s not like I ship it hard or anything.

Anonymous said:

Despite not being a Lukanette shipper I love you. Why? Because you amazing, so right in literally everything and I love you <33

gkdfjgfdngjkfdg thank you

bat-anon said:

The NY Special made it so that Max is literally the only Black/Brown kid that doesn’t exist to make Love Square happen and that just makes me hate it even more.

I wish you didn’t make me have this realization because I hate it.

At least Delmar existed in the New York special???? I guess???? I dunno, I’m trying here, I don’t recall him doing anything love square centric.

Anonymous said:

I honestly don't mind Alix's outfit as Bunnix! I feel like it fits her, plus she's an adult so its not much of a problem, not saying it can't be improved however. I DO have issues with the designs for the underage girls outfits however....those are very sus

Yeah, the problem I take with Bunnyx’s is that it’s a bodysuit. If there was just more definition, like having actual boots, I wouldn’t complain as much.

Anonymous said:

I actually just really like the idea of the new bee being a genuinely nice person who becomes friends with Marinette. Not exactly close friends (since I like the idea of friendly working relationships without actual personal stakes in them). I also enjoy the idea of the new bee having some small animosity for Chat Noir- just because their personalities aren't the greatest mix. I also think that it would make sense for the miraculous of subjection to be at odds with the miraculous of destruction

Full agreement but we know how much the writers are resistant to have characters go against Chat.

Anonymous said:

Not gonna lie the scene where the girl squad gets akumatized almost makes it seem like they got akumatized on purpose, similar to Manon in Puppeteer 2(although she was a little kid who was probably just imagining she could enact revenge). And why can't they have a uniformed design, like they're a team but wear different colors, similar to the Sailor Senshi(like, Alya's the leader and wears orange, Rose wears pink, Alix wears green, Juleka wears purple, and Mylene wears yellow). It's so boring.

Mood.

Not to mention that WE ARE SO TIRED OF THEM GETTING AKUMATIZED INTO THE SAME AKUMA.

AT LEAST PALETTE SWAP THEM.

Anonymous said:

Relating to the Didn't Need Burrows and Treatment of Marinette bingo cards, have you considered making one for whenever the show fails at girl power? It could say things like "sexualized frames of teenage girls" "boy tells girl what to do" "girls don't get to keep Miraculouses", and "girls are forced to apologize whenever a situation goes wrong". And in the center, it could say "Don't show this to your daughter!"! Lol! What do you think?

lol I feel like I have enough cards, otherwise I would.

Anonymous said:

I saw another post that talked about Miraculous New York, and they theorized that it was rewritten to focus more on Marinette and Adrien in order to get viewers invested in the Love Square again after more people started to lose faith in the ship. Do you think that's a possibility?

I think so. The whole special comes off as trying to reassure love square shippers because of how hard it goes for him. I cut out Marinette’s crushing and it cuts like 18% from the episode, meaning it’s even worse than Season 3 (15%).

Anonymous said:

Maybe the point of the [break-up episodes] is meant to discourage people from shipping Lukanette and Adrigami too?

Spoiler alert: didn’t work.

Anonymous said:

Are we not gonna talk about how in one ask, somebody legit said "(long dreamy sigh) Viperion"? Like same.

RIGHT????

Same.

Anonymous said:

Ml fandom: I hate how Ladybug keeps secrets from Chat Noir! He sacrifices himself for her all the time and she never appreciates him for it! He has EVERY right to get mad at her!!

ML Fandom when Chat Noir does the same thing in the special: ....Wow Ladybug was way to harsh on Chat Noir!! She doesn’t appreciate him at all!! Shes so mean to him!

:|

i hate it

Anonymous said:

Idk if it's just me, but a majority of the fandom is split in two; it's never one or the other "MARINETTE SUCKS AND IS A HORRIBLE PERSON GUARDIAN MARY SUE WHO SEXUALLY HARRASSES" or "ADRIEN SUCKS HE WAS NEVER ON MARINETTES SIDE" but im personally on the latter, but not to that extreme. i hate videos bashing marinette and then never acknowledge adriens faults

Yeah, the fandom gets more divided as time goes on because of the writers trying to increase the drama/tension.

Anonymous said:

I am PERSONALLY offended they gave Luka the snake miraculous. Snakes have such a negative connotation. A lot of people insult Lila by calling her a SNAKE. And now those ML writers DARE insult the best character in ML?! HOW DARE THEY!?????

I adore Viperion but I agree that I first heard he was getting snake and was like, “BUT MY BOI???”

It gets awkward too because other animals like the pig have negative connotations, like how Daizzi basically means “idiot/stupid” and they’re giving it to the freaking blond character, really???

Anonymous said:

I think that Ivanette would be even better if Marinette was plus-sized character.

I see why you’d think that. I just disagree because then it turns the ship into “let’s pair the heavyset characters together because they heavyset.”

Anonymous asked:

On the topic of romance failures and general series salt, my main issue right now is how the series puts so much focus on romantic relationships while failing to consider other levels of relationship or what they affect.

On the L² front I can completely buy Marinette being in love with Adrien. Most of the time she genuinely wants him to be happy and is ready to take a step back for him, however much it hurts. But in terms of romantic love? It. Is. A. Crush! But if we step back from the formula, what is there left between them? Their civilian relationship is held together by a “comedy” of errors and without that there is surprisingly little left. Well, besides two “best friends” desperately trying to make it happen because somehow they lost their individual characters and instead of being friends became matchmakers?

I too like Luka and Marinette together. Their relationship is pretty nice to see and all. But sometimes it feels like it happens in a dimension of its own, like the writers want to make the endgame clear in that the “sideships” can be easily cut out of the big “how they got together”-recaps. I especially miss reactions from and interactions with Juleka. She is Luka’s sister, Marinette’s friend, and IIRC someone aware of if not even a bit player in the great shipping game. She is in a prime position to step up and bring progress on all fronts: She can talk with Luka. She can either give Marinette helpful pointers or go “All in or nothing”, i.e. trying to make Marinette get her Adrien-feelings in order as she does not want her brother to get less than Marinette’s full heart. Similarly, she can counteract “friendly acts” and stop humiliating situations from escalating, or she herself can escalate them in the “All or Nothing”-scenario. Yet she remains basically a background character who gets little attention from the camera and almost no “non-focus identity”

As for Kagami, I may be too biased. *Any* positive Kagami/Marinette relationship is to me what Lukanette is to you. So naturally I have lots of opinions when it comes to her role ;) But can I just say that Adrien/Kagami is the weirdest ship for me? They have a few cute scenes and I think if they’d spend a lot more time together, they’d do each other good but I don’t know how they work. “No Hesitation” Kagami would lob Adrien’s head straight off with all his…everything. If we are meant to take Adrien’s love for LB seriously (and I guess we have to because how in the name of sanity is any form of the stated endgame gonna work otherwise???), how does Kagami fit into that picture as a girl who can hardly express emotions while Adrien is the definition of a  guy who can not stop flirting or goes for all kinds of romantic gestures? Sometimes it feels more like a “social fit” and “Mommy/Daddy approves” kind of deal which is quite the shame! Normally I like these kind of relationships in fictions but they need a solid underlining or good development. One they haven’t and one the series has not been giving to anyone so far.

Yeah, the whole thing with the love square versus side ships ends up feeling extremely forced. Keeping Luka away and forcing Adrien into Lukanette episode are the biggest giveaways, basically a big fat sign that says, “We know Marinette would forget that Adrien exists if she hung around Luka for more than five minutes.”

AND YEAH, KAGAMI WOULDN’T PUT UP WITH ADRIEN’S GARBAGE. I liked Adrimi but it’s definitely more flawed than Lukanette.

Anonymous said:

Watched your opinion on the New York special and I agree with you. It was mediocre at best. It could have been something nice, like if they added Kagami and Luka, for example, so that we can get a bit of development from the new couples on season 4, so that it doesn’t feel rushed when they start dating on season 4. It could also be a good opportunity to see the other temporary heroes one last time, since Marinette technically has the miracle box.

They could have had an epic fight with the American Superheroes, maybe even giving the bee miraculous temporally to Aeon or Jess so that we didn’t need to see their awful and uncreative superheroes designs. It would have been nice if they made something more useful other than being characters that believe that Adrien and Marinette are “Meant to be”, like, we already got a ton of these already, couldn’t we get someone who didn’t feel something about this ship? It has so much wasted potential that I don’t even know how to start. Do you agree with anything I said?

I agree, yes. They could’ve easily thrown Luka/Kagami into the mix (or had Marinette/Adrien stay behind while flipping perspectives or something; flawed but they could make it work).

Anonymous said:

I'm rereading ladybugout and wow... the moment of silence after "chat deserves that kiss" gets me every time. Everyone stopping and just staring because wow he really just said that

Me whenever Chat Noir opens his mouth in the show.

Anonymous said:

I saw the Backwarder post you just talked about and yes, it is so totally ridiculous. They forgot another thing, though. Miraculous isn't just about comedy, action, and romance, it's about embarrassing Marinette. And the fact that almost everyone in the comments was acting like the medicine scene at the end was funny was just stupid and saddening to hear or read about, because it shows how people have been conditioned to hate and rally against Marinette without even realizing it. Granted, there was one lady who said it reminded her of her husband, so I guess that's okay(but all it means is that Adrien will be Marinette's--aka "his lady's"--husband like eeerrrgh!). And there was one person who said they liked that Juleka's advice because "If you're friend isn't willing to commit crimes for your happiness, is she even your friend?". But everyone else liked the ending. And I don't get the person who said we got "Subtle progression with Adrien and Marinette". We're right where we started.

Weeeeell, I understand the “comedy, action, romance” comment because all of those basically boil down to embarrassing Marinette or invalidating her. Comedy and romance goes without saying while action involves her dealing with Chat “Nice Guy” Noir.

Anonymous said:

Is it just me, or does Snow White's "Red Shoes" form look a lot like Marinette. I know, I know, Marinette is Chinese and Red Shoes is Korean, but they still look strikingly similar. They're bodies are really similar, too, but that might just be because animation tends to use eerily similar body types for its female characters on a whole. It's sad and it makes me think of how cute Marinette would be if she was fat. I also think Snow White was cuter than Red Shoes but that's kind of the point.

I think it’s the body type thing but that’s just a guess since I didn’t immediately make the connection.

I agree that Snow White is cuter.

Anonymous said:

Am I the only one who's never liked "destined to fail" characters? Basically this is when characters aren't allowed to be good at/succeed at something or else the whole universe will somehow fall apart. Think of how in The Amazing World of Gumball, if Richard gets a job, the world will be in complete and utter chaos. So he's better off as a lazy, bumbling dad. In Phineas and Ferb, Candace is always trying to rat out her younger brothers but if she gives up or succeeds something bad will happen.

TV Tropes put it the best: "Not only is she not allowed to succeed, but she's also not allowed to stop trying!"(conveniently under the Cosmic Plaything trope). I just don't like it because it shows that the writers just want to lead them on with the promise of success then snatch it away at the last minute. And now we're back at Miraculous Ladybug, where Marinette is humiliated every time she doesn't sign a gift that's for Adrien, and yet when she does, everyone in Paris DIES. Except for...HIM.

you: *mentions Candace*

me: [a million awful flashbacks]

Also, yeah, it’s so hard to watch, especially in “Chat Blanc” because it’s like, “Oh, you want to give a gift to a boy and you dArEd to use your powers for it? Congrats, but everyone else is DEAD and you can hang out with him as much as you want! You’re welcome!”

Anonymous said:

I think it’d become a “faintest idea blackout card”rather than a bingo.

(referring to my “Faintest Idea” card)

We’re getting there.

darkmoonravewolf said:

I hate that everything on that list could happen and very likely will

(referring to “Didn’t Need Burrow”)

Yeah, and it makes me sad :’)

Anonymous said:

That’s be real here. Miraculous ladybug is not a show about Marinette; Miraculous Ladybug is a show about Adrien. Adrien is the real main character.

Notice that when they focused on Adrien in “Lies,” they only cut back to Marinette (IN A SCENE THAT CAN’T EXIST) to have her fawn over him.

Anonymous said:

Is it just me or are Lady Noire's eyes huge? Maybe it's just the green but they seem way bigger than Marinette's

I’m not sure, but considering Rena’s facial structure being different from Alya’s, it wouldn’t surprise me.

asexual-individual said:

With what you've said about Adrien lacking a reason to exist outside of development for Marinette and Gabriel, I have to wonder how different the show would be if Chat Noir's identity was also kept from the audience. Adrien would still be there as himself, but he only gets as much focus as Alya, and Chat Noir's identity is treated as a mystery (a Tuxedo Mask type mystery, but a mystery all the same).

I see what you mean but it might cause Adrien+Chat’s screentime to feel excessive once the reveal happens, because suddenly their screentime gets combined and it’s like, “oh wow so the combined screentime is his then.”

Anonymous said:

I know that the kwami's really only exist so we can hear our protagonists' thoughts outloud (like what the Coraline movie did with adding Wybie to the story). But honestly, what's the point in having magical gods in the jewelry if you're not going to do anything with them?

Marketing with “cute” side characters.

guisendisguise said:

It's funny, originally, I had shipped Marichat in the sense that Chat and Mari start hanging out and both fall in love with the other's supposedly less perfect, more real selves. Then Luka was introduced and I ended up putting both lukanette and marichat at the same level. Then S3 hit and killed any love I had for Marichat. The writers themselves killed the Love Square for me. At this point, it's very clear they are living in a delusion where the Love Square could ever work narratively without Deus ex Machina or Deus Lo Vult (God wills it). Basically, they've gone past scraping the bottom of the writing skills barrel and are now shoulder deep in the hole they dug thru the bottom of said barrel. I'd like to point out that the bottom of the barrel is writing poop and now they're digging thru the useless plastic landfill the barrel was sitting on top of

Uggggh, yeah. Any appreciation I could’ve had for Marichat died in “Weredad.” I already didn’t like Adrien/Chat and then “Weredad” just showed his complete lack of... well, ANYTHING.

cosmostellar said:

Honestly feels like MLBs writers are going based off the "JUST IMAGINE EVERY POC CHARACTER YOU'RE WRITING AS WHITE" instead of, yknow, fleshing them out while developing them also in the context of their cultures and giving them these little things that the audiences who belong to the same minority can identify with. I don't mean "have Marinette walk in qipao 24/7" bcs thats just... bad on its own but man, /some/ casual acknowledgments of her culture would be nice.

Reading the sentence “JUST IMAGINE EVERY POC CHARACTER YOU'RE WRITING AS WHITE” physically hurts me.

Anonymous said:

Ok, I've always thought that Chloe was robbed of redemption (they held it in front of us, but then jerked it away while Astruc says, "She's irredeemable! We thought she was redeemable, but she wasn't :)!" What are your thoughts! Also, I just recently found your blog and I really like it :)

Thank you!

But I have no sympathy for bully characters, so I didn’t want Chloe redeemed. Maybe I’m still bitter about my own bullying experience, but I just wasn’t here for Marinette being forced to forgive Chloe, which is basically what they did until they backpedaled.

The time spent on her was wasted though and that I can agree on.

Anonymous said:

Me: Writes a 1k rant about how the tweet makes no sense as the "mistake" is about motivation and not the critical plot. Also me: Remembers that in MLB the plot always comes back to the romance. Finally me: Wonders why he got involved with the series post-S3 when all the red flags were already everywhere.

Mistakes were made.

Anonymous said:

I'm semi-catching up on miraculous, and- is it my impression, or does Kagami rebel against her mother more in few episodes she's in (even though her mother's influences on her seem to be stronger in general), than Adrien in the entire show? I /know/ that I don't want to see Adrien free himself from his father w/ the desperation I want to see Kagami free herself from her mother and realize that the standards she's held up to are unhealthy and too strong.

Yeah, I’m way more invested in Kagami than Adrien.

Anonymous said:

Am I the only one confused about whether the staff stopped caring and half-asses the series or cares too much and over-produces the hell out of it?

Nah. It really feels like they secretly hate the love square so they have to keep forcing it.

Anonymous said:

ngl I haven't watched any new episodes since Chameleon and I've been getting all that Miraculous News via tumblr to avoid that Marinette Brand Second Hand Embarrassment™

Understandable.

Anonymous said:

If they aired the 6th one first WHAT WHAT HAPPENED TO LEAD UP TO THIS???? WE ARE ON SEASON FOUR WITH TWO SPEICALS, GETTING A THIRD, AND ANY DEVELOPMENT WE HAD HAS GONE BACKWARDS, SUCKED, OR STATUS QUO YO-ED AWAY!!!!! HOW THE HECK DO WE GET ADRIENETTE FROM FOUR SEASONS OF NOTHING?????? I USED TO FANGIRL AT THIS NOW I AM TERRIFIED.

Answer: We don’t get Adrienette. We get forced love square and rushed/fake “development” of it while being constantly confused as episodes air out of order.

Anonymous said:

im sorry But adrienette has been suck in this limbo of one sidedness for 3 seasons. neither of them have become closer, neither of them have confided in one another, but somehow people still ship it? at least luka was able to make a move on marinette lol adrien still repeats the same boring “shes just a friend” line. adrienette is a really boring ship.

lol don’t apologize, you’re absolutely right.

nahte123456 said:

Very minor bit of salt to throw to the pile, but can this show just decide on how strong Miraculous holders are? Yes it's a cartoon and not the focus but in the Furious Fu episode we literally get Ladybug dodging lighting and then Su who seems mostly human and is at least slower then Fu was outspeeding her. It's distracting trying to figure out what is and isn't a serious threat in this show.

The deciding factor in the strength of the miraculous holders is “whatever works for the plot.”

Anonymous said:

At this point the only thing I'm excited for concerning Miraculous Ladybug is when it gets a reboot in like, a decade with actually competent writers

Best case scenario is that Zag goes bankrupt and Disney/Netflix picks up the series and gives it to competent people.

Problem is that the love square has been ruined so badly for me that even a “good” version of it wouldn’t be something I’d be into, but still.

Anonymous said:

Honestly, the problem with having all of Marinette's mistakes result in huge disasters (ex. Feast), is that is gives off the impression that teenagers aren't allowed to make mistakes. This show clearly doesn't like giving second chances to the protagonist, so why would life give one to you? Am I right, kids?

Exactly.

Marinette makes mistakes and suddenly the world is ending.

Anonymous said:

If your gonna watch the show, at least pirate the episodes so the writers dont get your support

Don’t worry, I have no interest in financially supporting the show.

Anonymous said:

ml in a nutshell: wasted potential, then giving themselves more potential, only to turn the rest of it into a dumpster fire

Yup, that’s it.

Anonymous said:

u know, when My Little Pony, Sofia The First, and fanfiction carries out character development, respect, romance, and the main plot better than the original show, especially when the shows mentioned above are aimed more at little girls and the original show is aimed at slightly older audiences... somethings wrong

*sigh*

And then it’s like--people will excuse the show because “it’s a kids’ show” and then I’m just “okay then, why are there actually good kids’ show?”

If shows get a pass for being for children then all childrens’ shows should just not try and be garbage since the standard is so low.

Anonymous said:

ive seen some cool fic ideas/concepts/reviews that made me think: ml could use so much more looking into how a character thinks in some situations. one fic i read had alya in chameleon (i know its been forever since the ep came out but hey) not question lila cus she thought: "hey, lb wouldnt befriend a bad person" w and added a plot line of lila making her think lb was cobsidering replacing rena rougue. like, just a few lines to make them seem better pls?

YES. Like, show us characters’ perspectives and why they’re rolling with the facts that they’re rolling with, otherwise they just end up looking like jerks.

We sort of got it in “Ikari Gozen” with Kagami but of course it was just to make Marinette look bad.

Anonymous said:

You know I’m honestly considering making reviews of this show and if I do I could create hour long rants about the show just from that mans twitter.

Yeaaaaaah, once you had in the Twitter stuff, it just becomes, “okay so this is going to add another hour or two then.”

Anonymous said:

Okay one thing that bothers me is how plain marinette's suits are despite being a DESIGNER. Her multimouse suit it just blocks of color and her ladynoir suit is just grey with green lines. I think the lines are supposed to represent actually clothes. Like the limes on the calves are supposed to make it look like boots but why not actually GIVE her boots. (Right, because she has to have a skintight suit unlike the boys who get some layers.)

THE SHEER DISRESPECT OF HAVING THE FASHION DESIGNER WEAR SUCH A PLAIN SUIT.

It also goes to show who really designs here, like oh, interesting, the girls get skin-tight simplistic bodysuits and the boys gets all the cool stuff--

Anonymous said:

I heard some people in my class saying they watched Miraculous Ladybug for the first time, and they were saying how good it was, and I was like: 'Oh you poor fools. You have NO idea what it's truly like.'

You know what they say: ignorance is bliss.

bat-anon said:

Isn’t it INTERESTING how in Frozer, Luka understands that Marinette is torn between her crushes and continues to support her even though he knows she probably won’t chose him, and in the exact same episode Chat Noir refuses to help save the city because Ladybug told him AGAIN that she wasn’t romantically interested in him? HMMM 🤔😑

dbfgjbdfjkgf

I’M REMINDED OF “FELIX” WHERE IT’S LIKE--THEY WERE CLEARLY TRYING TO SHOW HOW MUCH “BETTER” CHAT NOIR IS THAN FELIX, BUT LUKA WAS THE RESPECTFUL ONE.

Anonymous said:

You know what I want to see? An evil kwami, like they just want to commit crimes. No moral high grounds, just chaotic evil.

That’d be amazing just because I wouldn’t be able to take them seriously.

Anonymous said:

Watching S1 and S3 episodes back to back, it feels like reading salt fics at times, especially in regards to the L². Like, Marinette was happy about weird plans, she both needed and wanted the final push, and most of the time there was at least something coming out of it. Nowadays it just makes her sad, Alya and the girls act *against* her, and we get shipping for shipping's sake.

That’s a good point. The shift from Seasons 1 to 2 to 3 is rather noticeable.

Anonymous said:

I hate how Adrien's busy schedule seems to only matter when it's used to make Marinette feel bad, but the second Marinette has a bit more to do, it somehow has a negative effect on not only her, but also everyone/everything she cares about, like, what's up with that??

I’m reminded of “Lies” here and I hate it. :|

Anonymous said:

Honestly, the way the show treats teenage girls is horse ass. The show treats the teenage girls of this show as if they're stupid, naive, emotional, clumsy, and need a boy to tell them what opinions to have. Marinette is always treated like the show's punching bag and blamed for everything that goes wrong because she's "emotional" or "obsessed with Adrien", Chloe could've been redeemed but the writers would rather keep her a brain-dead Alpha Bitch Valley Girl(even though Gabriel and Felix, the latter of whom is a teenage boy introduced in one episode, get to be treated as redeemable, despite the things they do being far, far worse), and Lila is a conniving, self-absorbed fox.

And even though Kagami seems better, she's still roped into the "girls catfight over an oblivious guy" cliche and so far, all of her akumatizations have been because of Adrien. Whenever Marinette tries to move on from Adrien the other characters tell her what's good for her and steer her in the "right" direction because she apparently can't think for herself, and the writers LOVE to use the girl squad to tell us who Marinette should be with, because they apparently know better than she does.

Plus the show loves to treat all the girls as the same, making them all either fight over Adrien or be obsessed with shipping, as if teenage girls are all one assimilating, homogenized group(also when they treat Marinette as if she's "just as bad as Chloe", rinse and repeat for the other ladies.). Honestly, the show feels like it was written by those types of people who think "teenage girls are the worst" so they make them all mood-swingy, obsessive, showoffs, emotional, and downright clingy.

Plus the way Thomas Astruc talks about the female characters on Twitter is even worse, and only serves to make this more evident: he claims Marinette "has poor control over her emotions"(all the while calling Adrien "perfect"), that Chloe was racist in Kung Food "because she's stupid"(so rather than having that scene serve as a lesson on respecting other's cultures, he just did it to pick on Chloe and make her look "stupid"), that she's incapable of being redeemed, that Lila's unlikable but Gabriel and Felix aren't(even though he claimed Felix was a terrible character and a "cliche", that's not what the show says my guy), and other such nonsense.

Other Twitter users have also called out Miraculous Ladybug and its stereotypical treatment of teenage girls. The only shows I've ever seen do this worse are those pretentious "darker" Magical Girl "deconstructions" aimed at grown men such as Madoka Magica and Yuki Yuna, as well as most shonen/seinen shows such as Naruto and Death Note, which says a lot. Honestly, whenever I feel like watching a show with empowering and respectful depictions of teenage girls that treats them as bright and intelligent and actually unique from one another, I just watch Equestria Girls, Liv and Maddie, LoliRock, ANT Farm, Moesha, PreCure, or Sailor Moon. Because the way the show acts towards them is deplorable, absolutely deplorable.

Yes to all of the above. Almost all of the girls are involved in love affairs in some way, the two teenage girls are irredeemable while Felix got a sympathetic backstory right away (Chloe took forever to get hers which is a failure), and Marinette is flawed because she’s “too emotional” (a misogynistic stereotype).

Anonymous said:

Hi, I'm the anon who got upset at the lady who made the "Miraculous Ladybug is a Mess" rant, and yes, thank you zodiacspirit17 for liking and agreeing with my rant! I'm glad someone else saw that video! And ugh, Marinette learning to love Chat Noir? Really? I don't remember that line but I also don't want to go back and revisit it to make sure so I'll take your word for it. Ew. That was actually one of the things I hated about the Glaciator scene. Chat was supposedly comforting Marinette by taking her to the rooftop where he planned Ladybug's date, and yet only Marinette finds out about Chat's crush on Ladybug and comforts him on that(while rethinking her feelings), while all Chat knows is that Marinette's heart was also broken. He never asks who it is, or tries to help her get over her crush even if he doesn't know it's coincidentally him.

I know it's because of the "love square" but it's unfair that only Chat's love problems are directly addressed. Come to think of it, the reason Chat took Marinette to the rooftop...I know he was doing it in-universe to help her instead of intruding on her personal feelings(which might have also been why he didn't ask her who her crush was, he was probably thinking along the lines of "we don't have to talk about it right now, we can just have fun!"), but meta-wise, since we know she's Ladybug, the writers were probably trying to tell her "See? This is what you could've been doing, but you missed it. Shame on you!" That's a huge issue I have with the show: characters will do things in-universe to help Marinette, but the show has a different motive in mind. Compare to how Tikki gave actual advice to Marinette in Puppeteer 2, but the writers intended that for the statue scene so they could embarrass her in front of Adrien and the thousands of eyes watching the show(except we're not laughing.). Even if characters do support her, the writer is using them as props for her ritualized humiliation. And yet Luka is the problem somehow.

If Marinette needs to learn how to love Chat Noir, then it should at least be balanced out by Adrien learning to Marinette. I'm sick of this double standard that "girls need to learn to accept boys who like them but guys can do what they want". Another thing she said was that "Marinette needs to learn to define herself outside of who she's crushing on." NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. You see, unlike Adrien, Marinette HAS a life outside of who she's crushing on: she has school, she has Kitty Section, she has her "girl squad", she has her parents, she has her outside family, she babysits Alya's and Nino's siblings, and she has OH YEAH HER FASHION DESIGNING! I didn't even count being a superhero since Adrien does that, too. She has so many things to do outside of Adrien, and yet the fact that she makes gifts for Adrien or dreams about Adrien or wants to have kids with Adrien somehow makes her nothing but an "Adrien fangirl"?

First of all, she's the bloody protagonist?! That's such a "Real Women Don't Wear Dresses" argument, that she can't have her own life AND be in love at the same time! And somehow her crushing on Luka also means her life revolves around him, too! But Adrien's life doesn't revolve around Ladybug even though he doesn't really have anything going for him in his ordinary life? Outside of being rich, hot, white, and male, that is? What are his interests and hobbies, besides what Gabriel lets him do to pass the time? He doesn't even like modeling! And the Agreste plot is more about Gabriel, Emilie, and Nathalie than it is about him.

And what about his friendship with Nino? He didn't even care that Nino was getting strung along by Lila with the others! What about his friendship with Chloe that also waxes and wanes? Granted, Chloe's not a GOOD person, which that lady acknowledged, but she at least tried to change and has more development than him, the writers just won't let her change. I hate when people come for Marinette for doing literally anything when the show won't let her have agency and progress. It's so unfair of her and I wish they could see that. These double standards are driving me insane and they're sexist(maybe even a little bit racist, too), and it hurts even more when a woman's doing those things.

(I had to cut off some of this ask because I didn’t get all of it, so I cut it off at the point where it still seemed like a full ask.)

I FEEL THE “GLACIATOR” THING SO BAD. It hurts even worse when you realize that “Frozer” has to take place after “Glaciator,” so Chat Noir heard that Marinette has love problems and then ignored it to ask her for advice about his own love problems later on. The total lack of insensitivity???

Also, the idea that Marinette’s life would revolve around her crush on Luka is stupid. It’s the exact opposite, in fact.

Meanwhile, Adrien has so little going for him and the “interesting” parts of him involve who he’s connected to or what his father has forced him into.

[umbralstars]

Basically an "All you need to know" about how I personally write Byleth/All of my Byleth headcanons. This is probably not everything but it's still long enough I have to put it under the cut.

* His birthday is 26 day of Blue Sea Star Moon 1159

- I know that 20 of Horsebow is probably the canon date but I've always used this one since my first playthrough and keep it cause I find it funny

* Byleth has all kinds of memory issues

* Demi-panromantic & demisexual

*Trans masc (He/Him & They/Them)

- He remembers and has dreams of things that are from when Sothis was alive

- He sometimes has trouble recalling facts about the world he lives in (such as who is currently ruling, his teaching plans or things that he has taught before, sometimes can't recall where he is). He keeps a journal of important things that he saw, learned, needs to know etc

+ Caused by being misaligned with Sothis' soul and her consciousness trying to overtake his own

+ He doesn't lose memories outright and can recall things if given the right direction. Once a memory is solidified as more long term it's much harder for him to forget it

- Sothis' memories can cause bad flashbacks that can take him minutes to get out of

+ Jeralt and the other mercenaries look out for him when episodes happen. They often have him talk about them afterwards if he wants too (ie like Jeralt and Byleth's conversation at the beginning of the game after the dream about Seiros/meeting with Sothis)

+ He can't speak during them and gets very spacey

- Fighting and strategy is instinctual for him so memory issues in those areas are non-existent

- When his soul fuses with Sothis' his memory problems mostly cease. All the memories about his own life are permanently solidified and he can somewhat tell the difference between his memories and Sothis'. He still can be paralyzed by her memories but has a much easier time getting out of dazes

* Has a love for learning about the history and culture of Fodlan and everywhere else

- When he was little Jeralt would often tell him stories and folktales about Fodlan while they were riding across the country side. The pre-month cutscenes during White Clouds are Byleth recalling those stories

- Loves learning about the places outside of Fodlan just as much as learning about Fodlan itself

- His favorite books are about history or folklore

* At a crossroad between trusting people implicitly and keeping others at arm's length

- His life as a mercenary certainly wasn't easy, even though he doesn't resent it, so he tends towards giving others the benefit of the doubt even when he may doubt their intentions. Cautiously trusting if you will. Some people may view him as naive because he's willing to trust off the bat and he's fine with that.

- Does fall in line with mercs not really trusting nobles but he points that more towards the parents currently in power and not the kids he knows

- Goddess help you if you break his trust. Once you break his trust it's very hard to actually get it back unless you give him cause for why it was broken in the first place

* Very protective of the people he cares about

- Death or injury of people he care for has always been his biggest fear. His family has always tried to tell him it's just a fact of life, their life especially, but he would rather fight tooth and nail to keep someone alive then to just let them die

* Really good with children actually

* Takes his job as a teacher very seriously. He knows how rough Fodlan and fighting can be, so wants to impart good lessons in the hopes of making his students' lives easier. He knows that some of them have already seen horrors or have been on battlefields, so he treats each person accordingly

* Has a really bad resting bitch face so people think he's really intense/scary when first meeting him

- He has complicated feelings towards being perceived as "intense" or "terrifying" since on one hand it's very useful when he needs to be perceived that way, but on the other hand he feels like that first impression makes it hard to connect with people afterward

- He doesn't ever go out of his way to make people perceive him differently mostly because it would be a hassle and he's thinks people who really know him would understand he's not like that

* Byleth is actually very introverted and somewhat has social anxiety

- He spent almost his entire life around the same people moving from place to place so introversion aside he's not the most experienced about talking to new people

- He never stops people when they want to talk and doesn't really hate talking to people it's just that he doesn't go out of his way to do it unless he likes talking to someone or it's important

* Jeralt's mercenary company is his family and the people he's closest to until Garreg Mach. The Mercenaries are an elite group of about 13 people of various backgrounds

- All of them are basically his aunts and uncles cause they practically raised him alongside Jeralt. He does call a lot of them Aunt and Uncle as well

- One or two are also like siblings to him cause they joined with their parent or when they were younger (like 15)

- They were the only people able to get close to Byleth or get him to talk for the first week or so after Jeralt's death

- I need to expand on them more cause they're very important to me and him

* Byleth has trouble outwardly expressing emotions and understanding his own. He actually feels very deeply but just has trouble really expressing it. Very monotone and straight to the point when he speaks and only slight shifts in tone tells how he's really feeling. Actually has hyper empathy

- Grew up like this despite Jeralt and the Mercenaries' best efforts. Jeralt was always best as reading him because he acted so much like Sitri

- Caused once again by a misalignment with Sothis' soul

- After his awakening, Byleth has a better ability to express himself, and even took on some of Sothis' characteristics, but he still has trouble explaining or talking about what he's feeling

* Generally very calming to be around for most people. Won't ever force anyone to talk but will talk if you start conversation

* Has done some very questionable work as a mercenary

- He has taken on a few assassinations in the past despite Jeralt's insistence he never get his hands dirty like that. The Remire Medicine Incident is one not spoken of much within the company

- He's dealt with brigands, putting down rebellions, guarding caravans, guarding nobles, helping train the standing armies, etc everything under the sun. Will practically do anything if the pay is right

- He does have standards and expects a full rundown of the job beforehand like his father and the rest of the company though

* Loves cats and dogs

* Actually pretty religious and devout by the time of his awakening

- He wasn't completely raised without knowledge of the Church as some of the mercenaries are religious, but he was agnostic for a good portion of his life

- As he lived at Garreg Mach and learned more about the Church's teachings he grew to appreciate it more and more

- Rhea taught him a lot during his many conversations with her

- As Archbishop he does his best to learn every aspect of the Church and exemplify them best he can. Really emphasizes giving aid to those in need, leans heavily into the "Goddess" aspect of his soul, reforms many aspects whilst keeping the core of the faith

- Personally speaks to Sothis on more of an equal and friend level then true God and devotee

- Does become known as the Holy Saint and Avatar of the Goddess within the Church years after he steps down as Archbishop. Doesn't really know how to feel about it but can't say his inclusion is wrong

* Byleth doesn't have the highest opinion of Edelgard

- As I write AM/VW Byleth he was never close to Edelgard at all during his time at Garreg Mach

- He really only sees her as the person who started the whole continental war (which he despises as he very much dislikes war in its entirety) and the person he believes to at least be complicit in his father's death (do not debate with me how much Edelgard knew Kronya's plan. This is entirely how Byleth views what happened)

- He never wished for her death, but does view her as someone very misguided and only wishes she never went as far as she did

* Very terrified of sleep after waking up post-Time Skip

- Fears falling asleep and loose more parts of his life an leaving everyone behind again

- Prefers to have someone close by who can wake him or being woken up in the morning

- Got into the unhealthy habit of just working himself into exhaustion and having a very irregular sleep schedule until his friends had an intervention to talk about what was going on

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Remember Me ~ Worick Arcangelo x Reader

Disclaimer: This is going to have mentions of past abuse and supposedly illegal behaviour, but considering it’s Gangsta we’re talking about, I don’t think anyone should be surprised by darker themes addresses.

Birthdays...Have always been tedious. A drag. More work than they are worth...So, I wonder...Why do I actually bother doing a party at my home?

I mean, it’s true, I get it, I’m 21, I’m of age...Legally an adult, legally allowed to drink, legally everything whatever...The same as it has been for the past 3 years...

And MAYBE it’s fun to sometimes gather around with your friends and do the same things everyone always does at parties, loud music, alcohol, cigarettes and gossips...

But there is always that annoying anxiety feeling surging through my veins whenever I have to be around more than 3 of my friends, considering this is a party organised by me, and everything has to be done perfectly, everyone must feel good, and at home, not to be left out...

I can already envision myself being the only outcast, anyway, but that’s besides the point.

It’s already evening, the alcohol is sitting on the table, the pizza boxes are stacked up in a mountain on the floor, plastic cups everywhere, ash trays placed strategically, dim lights, coloured light projectors to make the room look like a disco...

And then there’s me. Sitting anxiously on the couch in the living room, dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a long plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up, along with some silver rings and a necklace. Casual, comfy, yet pretty elegant in its simplicity.

My friends arrived soon, very loudly congratulating me on aging one more year, fantastic...But they had a mischievous smirk on their faces...

And they brought in a tall, blond man who looked very macho, and I could only blink in confusion as everyone walked inside.

“Uhm...Who is he? One of yours boyfriend or something?” I asked, eyeing everyone attentively. “Nooo, silly! He’s our gift for you!” my best friend grabbed the man by his arm, shoving him towards me. “I’m...Not sure I follow.” I spoke with even more unease, not wanting to believe what I was hearing. “He’s Ergastulum’s most wanted Gigolo! And tonight, he’s all yours to do with as you please! C’mon, you deserve to let loose and have fun once in a while, y’know? Forget about all those jerks and enjoy pleasure like you’ve never felt before~!” my other best friend grabbed me by my shoulders from behind, putting her chin on top of one of her hands, slurring seductively. “...I see.” I muttered, looking away, trying to mask my displeasure at what I was hearing. “Anyway, let’s get you drunk! You won’t get to enjoy anything if you’re so cold and reserved with everyone, y’know? Maybe that’s why you’re always alone! Now c’mon, let’s have fun!” she dragged me to the drinks table, and we started playing drinking games like never have I ever...

Gotta say, Vodka and Bailey’s has always been a shot combination that I adore, and I’m grateful that it takes a long time to get me drunk, because these girls are wasted, while I’m not, so I can escape their grasp. Drunk dancing isn’t that fun, even to watch, and they were making fools of themselves, screeching, giggling...More or less sounding like pained donkeys.

Or maybe I’m just too judgemental and mean because I’ve been in a bad mood and spiraling since they got in my home. To be fair, I don’t even care what is the truth. These are my feelings and I’m not going to play them off as insignificant or non-existent.

Eyeing them carefully, I take a pack of cigarettes and make my way out of the house and sit on the stairs, taking a deep breath of the cold winter night air, I light up a cigarette, taking a drag and staring up at the sky, letting my endless train of toxic thoughts overwhelm me.

I was so long in my own mind that I didn’t notice the door opening until a shadow blocked my vision, and I noticed the platinum blond man sitting down on the stairs below me, resting his back on the wall on the side.

“Y’know...I haven’t been to many birthday parties before, but I’m pretty sure the birthday girl is supposed to be pampered and the center of attention, and yet, here you are, outside, alone and sad.” the man spoke seriously, with his usual light glint. “How much did they pay you?” I muttered, lighting another cigarette, realising that the other one burn without taking another drag of it. “Hmmm? What do you mean?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at me. “I’m tipsy, not stupid. You think I can’t think rationally after 8 shots? You’re dead wrong. Now, tell me, how much did they pay you and what exactly did they tell you to do?” I asked in a pressed tone, side-eyeing him. “You’re certainly perceptive, I give you that. T’was quite a lot of money to spend the night with you.” he tilted his head in a playful way. “Not only they have no faith in me to get someone to even remotely like me...They have to pay someone to do something that I dread with a burning passion. Do you even know my name? I don’t know yours.” I shrugged, hanging my head, gritting my teeth in annoyance. “I see your friends screwed up a bit. Name’s Worick, nice to meet you.” he extended his hand towards me. “...Y/N. Nice to meet you too...I think.” I sighed, staring reluctantly at his hand, before slowly shaking it. “Pretty name for a pretty girl. Wanna talk to a guy you’ll never see again? I heard that venting and letting out pent up emotions helps.” he offered, making me look at him with a weird face. “You know you’re not gonna get any action, so you try to do something for the money you earned, huh?” I snorted, raking my fingers through my hair. “Hey, don’t look at me like that. Contrary to my profession, I’m a pretty chill guy. What do you have to lose, talking to someone you’ll never see again? And besides, I have little room to judge you, so if that’s your worry, you can throw it away.” he lit up a cigarette, puffing up into the sky. “You’re...Not wrong here. Okay, fine, Pretty Boy. Imagine this. You’re not even of age, you get your first lover and you’re happy. You finally feel superior. Someone gives a fuck about you...That’s the definition of a lover, after all, I guess...But here’s the deal. Barely one month into the relationship, the person starts getting very pushy and pressures you, without you realising. Words and actions. It goes to the point that they force you to do things that you don’t want to and you’re not ready to, mentally or physically...And you can’t do anything except for denying, since they don’t listen and they overpower you. How is that, so far?” I spoke, taking a few breaks in between sentences to keep myself grounded and lucid. “Very suckish. Does any of your friends know that?” Worick asked in a gentle voice. “They do...My two best friends do. The ones who apparently paid you. I don’t know what’s in those tiny brains of theirs, but I don’t think a one night stand is going to somehow magically get me rid of all problems, traumas, self-issues and nightmares I’ve been having for the last years. Or maybe I’m just paranoid. I don’t know, and at this point, I can’t stay that I care.” I shrugged, leaning back on the stairs. “Maybe you have the wrongs friends. I heard words about you that I don’t think friends should speak like that about their so called best friend who trusted them enough with their bad experiences.” he pointed out nonchalantly, as I shifted my gaze towards him with a frown. “After today...I...Think the same. I...Just...Wasn’t expecting something like this. What more can I say. I am disappointed. And if that wasn’t enough, my second boyfriend, who was a virgin, saw my own virginity as a prize. And the third pity-dated me. Can it get any worse? Because, if yes, I honestly give up.” I sighed, ruffling my hair, obviously done with life. “Life sure sucks, huh? And most people don’t make it any better. All we can do is get stronger, carry on, and fight our nightmares.” he nodded in agreement, clearly sympathetic. “...I see you’re speaking from experience. I wonder what happened to your eye...It may sound insensitive, but after what I just told you, I don’t think there’s any more need for caution.” I smirked at him with a dark sort of self-deprecation that I could also sense in him. “Well, y’know...Sometimes parents aren’t the safe haven they ought to be.” he shrugged, extinguishing the finished cigarette on the stairs. “I see. Yeah, life sucks. I guess I can see why you become a Gigolo. An attractive guy selling his body for money...By what they said, you are the most popular. I can see why. I feel sorry for you.” I gave him a sympathetic smile that disappeared as fast as it came. “You have a pretty smile, y’know? I always thought that people who can smile despite all they’ve been through are the strongest.” he commented, smiling back. “Is that why you appear to be so cheerful? You’re strong, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too? Wish I was the same. Maybe people won’t find me such an easy target to take advantage of.” I snorted sarcastically, making him chuckle. “It’s a pity people are shit to the few remaining ones who don’t give in to society’s awfulness. But what is a sweet girl like you doing in a shithole like Ergastulum? Doesn’t quite add up.” he asked, getting in a better sitting position. “Life happened. Dad left us, and mum is abroad working to get me enough money to go to university by the end of this year. This place, despite how scary and dangerous it is, was the cheapest place I could afford.” I bit my lip, trying not to worry too much about the future. “I’m sure you’re gonna nail it, so don’t worry too much. You seem like a smart girl, so just study hard and don’t forget to enjoy life. By your standards, not others’.” he smirked, tilting his head towards the door. “You’re funny, Worick. I wish we met under different circumstances.” my voice became lower, only to get interrupted by the door slamming open and the girls leaving the place. “Well, look at you two, lovebirds! You look so cuuuuuuuute! Hey, Gigolo, better take good care of her, got it?! The night is still young for you two! Awesome birthday party, as usual, Y/N, see ya next time!” the girls left, making me blush from embarassment, looking away. “You’ve got very sensible friends.” he muttered ironically, shaking his head. “I’ll...Go tidy the apartment. Maybe I’ll be able to focus on something else. Come one, I’ll warm up some pizza.” I shrugged, getting inside the house. “I didn’t think you’d want me around in your home.” Worick pointed out, leaning on a wall. “You got paid to spend the night with me, correct? Then you’ll do what you got paid for. Keeping me company. You have no idea how refreshing it is talking to someone with some fucking brain in their head.” I plopped down on the couch, putting my feet on the table, turning on the TV to a rock music program and patting the seat next to me for him to join. “It’s an honour to spend time with you.” he chuckled, taking a slice of pizza, leaning back on the couch and mimicking my position.

For the rest of the night, he was gracious enough to help me tidy up and clean everything, and when we were finally done, I went to change in my nightgown, taking a book and getting in bed, only to see the man leaning on the frame of the door awkwardly.

“Ah, yes, how could I forget. Let me find some larger clothes for you to change into.” I put the book down, going to the wardrobe and finding some oversized clothes in which I sometimes sleep. “Are these yours?” he chuckled in amusement. “Yep.Gotta be comfy when you sleep, right?” I shrugged, getting back in bed. “Yeah, you’re right. That’s why I sleep naked.” his grin grew wider, making me frown in confusion. “Sleeping naked is comfy for you?” I put the book on my lap, looking at him for an answer. “Did you try?” he asked smugly. “Yeah. I felt incredibly uncomfortable and anxious the for hours and couldn’t sleep. At 4 AM I couldn’t stand it any longer and I put a nightgown on.” I scratched my cheek, looking away. “That’s adorable. What were you reading?” he asked, getting closer to me. “Get changed and you can come over. I’m not letting you sleep on the couch. You got paid, you deserve better.” I waved my hand at him dismissively, only for him to leave the room, get changed, take the book from my hand, flip through all the pages, and return it. “Ah, Picture of Dorian Gray. I’ve been wanting to read it for a while, thanks for the opportunity, I have to say, I rather appreciate his monologues.” he gave me a shit-eating grin, plopping in bed next to me. “I...You...Huh?! You can’t tell me you just read THIS book, right now, for the first time in your life, by just flipping rapidly through the pages!” my expression was that of pure shock and disbelief, which clearly amused him. “That’s exactly what I’m saying, sweet cheeks.” he smirked, laying his head down on the pillow. “You...You have an extraordinary visual memory?!” I asked in a voice that I wasn’t sure was heard. “You’ve got that right, darling.” he chuckled with a satisfied smile. “...WHY THE HELL ARE YOU A PROSTITUTE?! YOU ARE A GENIUS! YOU COULD DO SO MUCH MORE WITH YOUR LIFE! EARN AN UNBELIEVABLE AMOUNT OF MONEY! DO YOU HAVE NO AMBITION AND SAFE-LOVE?!” I grab him by the shoulders, shaking him, until he stopped me. “Calm doooown, Y/N, calm down. Thanks for looking out for me, but life is life. Don’t worry about me. I’ve got all I need here. You, however, have the whole life ahead of you, so don’t waste it like I did.” he advised in a soft voice, making me look at him for a few seconds, before sighing, getting up, and picking another book. “We won’t be seeing each other again, will we? Well, if that’s the case, take this. It’s a thanks for being nice to me today...But promise me you will take your time reading it, unlike now. Rest, relax, drink a hot cup of tea, and read each page carefully. Enjoy it, live it, feel it. Can you promise me that?” I asked, handing him the book. “The Hobbit, huh? Pretty cover, intriguing summary on the back...Fine, Y/N. I can’t 100% promise you, but I will try. Are you really willing to part with this one? It seems special for you.” he asked, more serious this time. “...Maybe sometimes the stupid ideas that your heart gives you are better than the rational ones from your brain. Now go sleep, I want to read.” I looked away from him, opening my book and pretending to read, away from him.

Five minutes passed, then ten, and fifteen, all of them in a deadly silence, almost awkward, until a chuckle split the atmosphere, making me turn around, looking at the man with a confused look.

“Usually, when people read, they turn the page after five minutes. What’s on your mind?” he asked, taking a strand of my hair and loosely twirling it with his finger. “..Well...You’re a stranger. And...We’ve only talked for a few hours. I know it makes no sense to ask this of you, but...I won’t be seeing you tomorrow anyway, so...Uhm...Do you think...I'm...Cold and mean...And unapproachable?” I mutter, looking away from him. “Not at all. I find you very endearing. The quiet ones are always the ones who have the best surprises once you get to know them. People deal with problems differently, it just takes the right person to want to understand you.” he kissed the strand of hair, making me bite my lip and turn off the lap light so my possibly pink cheeks won’t be noticeable. “Great. Thanks for the info. Now...How about you earn the money you got paid? You can do that by holding me and playing with my hair until I fall asleep.” I try to keep my voice from wavering. “You don’t have to put that pretext as a front, I would do that even if I wasn’t paid.” he chuckled lightly, holding me close to his chest, his fingers masterfully soothing my senses as he caressed by hair. “...Thanks.” I muttered, hiding my flustered face in his chest. “I have insomnia and general sleeping problems, including sleep paralysis and nightmares...And the only thing that used to be able to put me to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night would be mum holding me and playing with my hair until I fell asleep.” I confessed, my voice becoming softer and more emotional. “Thank you for trusting me with this precious memory, Y/N. It’s going to be okay. Now close your eyes...Sweet dreams, Y/N.” his peaceful, velvety voice was the last thing I heard before falling into a restful and calm sleep, for the first time in ages.

When morning came and I woke up, the bed was empty on the side that Worick was and I almost feared I imagined the whole thing...Until I noticed a piece of paper on the pillow where he slept.

“You’re a beautiful person, don’t let the darkness take over you. I hope to hear from you again, in the future, under better circumstances. ~ Worick”

To that, a phone number was written, and the first thing that came into my mind was to get that it tattooed on my body so I won’t lose it.  Of course, that will never happen, so I’ll settle for writing it everywhere I can.

For some reason, I wanted to make him proud, and I still had no idea why, so I only called him once a year, on my birthday, and on that day, we would chat on the phone all night, in memory of that night.  Finally leaving Ergastulum to go to University and get a better life for myself was something revolutionary for me, but after over 6 years, I managed to do just that. However, there was something that never left my brain, and that was the platinum haired man that completely changed the way I viewed life and how to approach it.

And I returned to Ergastulum after almost a decade.

I was dressed in a cute dress, and this time, unlike last time, a confident smile was on my face. Even though it’s fake, I adopted the “Fake it till you make it” motto, and nobody has to know about my problems.

I vibe.

Asking around for Worick, I find out he works as the Benriya with another man called Nicolas, who’s a tag, and even better, I got his address, so I knew just where to go.

As I entered the shabby apartment that was, for some reason, unlocked, I see a meek looking woman sitting on the couch, looking down.

“Did Worick get a girlfriend?” I leaned on the wall, a playful smirk on my face. “Wh-What?! G-Girlfriend?! W-Wait, who are you?!” she shot up to her feet, looking at me with big, blue doe eyes, frightened, might I say. “You’re adorable. What’s your name? And can I ask where Worick is? I’ve been told this is where he lives.” I played with a strand of my hair, trying not to intimidate the girl...Too much. “U-Uhm...He...He’s in his room...Who are you, miss?” she asked, trying to get some courage. “A friend, I’d like to think. From about ten years ago. Now, if you’ll excuse me...” I was ready to go look for him, only for a door to open, and the man in cause to appear, wearing only black boxers, and stretching...He obviously just woke up. “Ally? What’s all the noise?” he yawned loudly, rubbing his eyes. “Do you have a cute nickname for me too, Worick?” I smirked at him, as he widened his single eye, his jaw dropping in shock. “Y/N...?” he muttered my name, making me grin widely. “Glad you remember me. It has been quite a while since we’ve seen each other...And you age like fine wine, I’m telling you...You’re a sight for sore eyes.” he chuckled softly, only for him to come and pick me up, spinning a bit, before putting me down, cupping my face and kissing my forehead, leaving me a surprised and flustered mess. “And look at you! Can you get prettier than this? I told ya, you have a beautiful smile!” he grinned childishly, pinching my cheeks, making me yelp in pain and slap his hands away. “Jerk! That hurts! Ahem...Anyway, dear Gigolo, how are you? I heard some stuff about you working with someone named Nicolas...But I doubt her name is Nicolas.” I chuckled, pushing him softly away. “Oh, yes! Y/N, this is Alex, our new friend. You can say she’s kinda...Our secretary? I guess? Anyway, come over, we have a lot to catch up on!” he guided me to his bedroom that was, unsurprisingly, messy. “Wonderful and clean, just as expected. Have you ever thought of opening the window?” I teased him, plopping on his bed that was unexpectedly soft. “You, lazy little vixen...Here. I bought it years ago, after finishing the book you gave me, and I wanted to find out more. Now, I’m giving it to you. Are we even?” he smirked, handing me a copy of Fellowship of the Ring book. “We’d be even if I’d spend the night over as well. And if you gave me drinks and pizza. Basically a date. That will do.” I told him, looking dearly at the book I got gifted, although I already read it before. “My God, since when are you so bold?” he asked, getting on the bed, resting his chin on my knees, looking at me like a happy puppy. “Did you miss me, Worick? I hope you did, otherwise that little piece of paper you left would be incredibly disappointing and misleading.” I pointed out, booping his nose. “I’ve been thinking about you since then. By the looks of it, so did you. Are you sure you want a date with someone like me? You are beautiful, you are brilliant, your attitude in endearing as hell...And I’m still a Gigolo and my life is here, in Ergastulum. Don’t regret it later on.” he asked with a more serious tone, only for me to scoff and pull on his hair playfully. “I wouldn’t be here otherwise. Besides...Unlike you, I don’t need to be paid to spend quality time with you, doing nothing but chilling and chatting.” I teased him, making him laugh, as he plopped next to me, poking my cheek. “Great, problem solved! You’ve got yourself a parasite latching on you. Good luck getting rid of him now.” he grinned cheekily, only for me to cup his face and pull him into a kiss. “Why would I wanna get rid of a parasite this cute? Now shut up and hold me, it’s been ten years and I’m touch starved.” I grinned, nuzzling in the crook of his neck. “Damn, how I missed you.” he held me tightly to his chest, occasionally peppering my face with kisses.

It was definitely worth coming back to this God Forsaken place, even if it is for only one person. There’s place for everyone in this world, and in others’ hearts, and I found my place, in Worick’s warm arms, where I feel safest and most loved.

[thequibblah]

⭐

anon: omg hi I think I sent in a ~free choice~ directors cut a while back but if you can't think of anything you wanna talk about I would LOVE to hear more about the way you write the Snape/Lily relationship and and the way it breaks apart, and even specific scenes related to it because in this house we are Anti S/nily

i hope this person was you but if not HAHA i will take this opportunity to answer their prompt as a "free choice" if you don't mind!

so. good old.... severus. ahhh.

writing interactions between snape and lily is like, one of the most rewarding challenges of this fic. now.... pitchforks away, my lovelies.... it's such an interesting emotional space to explore on her end, to me. personally i've never had a friendship end over something big and irrevocable, so it's really brand-new water to tread.

what makes it even more fascinating is that because of the setup of CT — starting after the lake incident — snape is less a presence in her life and more an absence she's working around. if i can get boring and pretentious for a sec, this was something i worked on a lot in college creative writing classes — writing about a thing in the past by avoiding it, or touching upon it and flinching away, or approaching it sideways.

now. we none of us have the patience of serious literary fiction readers in our fic HAHAHHA so this is a lot more dialled-back (dialled-forward??). but that was basically the approach to begin with, with these two. and then it was a matter of exploring the trajectory of it — how when the wound is rawest, lily is actually most forgiving and generous towards him, as she's had less time and space away from him/their friendship, and is busy making excuses for him.

(aside: i didn't realise until actually confronted by it that so much of her attitude towards him comes from her attitude towards petunia, a relationship in which she got used to receiving barbs before she gave them back, but the blood tie keeps her from a clean break. with snape there's no blood relation, obviously, but there's a shared sense of history, of childhood, that kind of lives in the same part of lily's brain/heart. so... really, two people who loathe each other overlap quite significantly in lily's emotional landscape.)

re: lily's excuse-making — it doesn't help that the only person who pushes her on snape is james. (her friends all have learned to avoid the subject, as you do when your friend is friends with someone you don't like but you can't say anything until after they're finished, and then you're like omg thank GOD i hated them from the start!!! but of course in this case they couldn't go overboard with that sentiment, lest it come off as "you should've known better/we knew better and you didn't") thanks to the circumstances of the lake incident, some of those messy feelings towards snape are entangled in messy feelings towards james (early on in the story especially), so the resulting conflict is.... bad....

She half-stumbled backwards, as if she’d been slapped. “I don’t need you to remind me,” she hissed. To her embarrassment, tears of frustration sprang to her eyes. But if she’d thought that would make him back off, she was wrong. “Yeah, except you do need the reminder,” said James. “Because you don’t get it yet. He chose them. Not you.” Lily was shaking. “I believe in second chances,” she said, fighting to keep her voice level. “But you really, really test my faith, James.” And without waiting for him to answer, she stormed up the girls’ staircase, wiping at her cheeks.

bad.

lily's true blind spot is, of course, that she's more willing to forgive snape's missteps with her. and of course james has to go and point that out :/

“Let me put it this way. If Sni — if Snape were Mary’s friend and he’d said that to her, wouldn’t you tell Mary she ought to never speak to him again?” Lily shifted uneasily. “Well, sure, but I’ve known him since—” “—you were children, whatever. Say Mary did too. Would that change anything for her?”

so the first time lily is like wait actually fuck this!!! it's because he reminds her, in an argument, about how callous he can be — a callousness which i think she's never liked, but it's easier to forgive sharpness when it's your friend poking fun at people you don't like, and less easy when...

“Yes, do let’s talk about Potter,” she said, dangerously calm now. “Let’s talk about how your mate Mulciber used an Unforgivable Curse on him—” To her absolute shock, Severus scoffed. “It was three bloody seconds—” “Shut up,” Lily said, too stunned to think of something better to say. “Shut up, you don’t seriously think that — that because the two of you have a childish rivalry, he deserves torture?” “That’s not what I said,” he replied, looking mutinous. “I just meant, everyone’s acting like he’s some big survivor — always playing for attention—”

...well, when that.

best/worst impulses aside, lily knows that the true measure of someone is how they treat the people they dislike, not their friends, and in a sense his attitude towards james (and generally other people) in this scene makes her realise what she'd read as inconsideration or insensitivity is in fact...

"...You’re weak-willed and pathetic and you’re — you’re not a good person.”

...so there's that.

as anyone who's read lily's current petunia drama will know, she's got a bit of a problem with letting go. but after her mother's death (and the attached stick to your sister she's all you've got), she manages a weirdly good break from cokeworth — because a lot of her childhood was wrapped up in hogwarts, and in snape (whom she hasn't spent vacation time with in over a year at that point). with neither at hand, she hardly has time to process it/feel homesickness.

but note this, at the start of 7th year:

“Was last year nothing to you?” Her voice had sharpened. “I wasn’t freezing you out to punish you, Severus. I was treating you how I plan on treating you from now on.”

of course lily's just making a point here, but when i wrote that i was like wow she (and i lol) are kind of onto something — snape totally does think this is like, a temporary purgatory period after which she really will come around. and through months of her getting visibly closer to his nemesis, he holds onto that belief — despite what she says. (funnily enough, childhood rose-tinted glasses make them both see what they want to see in each other, in very different ways)

that's why when he hears her say what she says to una in that hogsmeade trip, he immediately comes to his own conclusions. that was another important, interesting thing for me — for other slytherins, "loose ends" are opportunities for cruelty, for punishment, to finish what they've started. (not so for regulus, who's grown up with sadism and is frankly repulsed by the idea of pain for a flimsy cause — best believe there was absolutely a point to him orchestrating an attack on the teacher getting close to his brother. but that's another story.)

not for severus either — his loose end, in his own mind, will always be lily. he senses that something's broken, but he has absolutely no self-awareness about what it is, and his extending an olive branch was more about her coming to his level than him going to hers (aka the way apologies ought to work). he realises, over a year out, that it's up to him to fix it, but it's too late — lily's quite moved on at that point, and her residual emotions towards him are indifference and pity.

if only snape had known to leave it there!

looping full circle back to the lake incident, then, the argument in 41 is once again very personal — but rather than him pushing her away, it's him trying to get her close again. and now, stressed about all the bs in the world but also with all the petunia-related learn-to-let-go stuff fresh in her mind, lily is absolutely in the right state of mind to recognise when she's wrongly judged someone. this calls for scorched earth, she realises, or she'll never be able to shake him and move on for good.

and so what started with severus telling her that she's special, that there's a place in a new world for her, ends sort of the same way.... and the break that began with his casual, almost unintentional cruelty, ends with her very deliberate cruelty. as a bonus, she's ready now to use the one thing he's always wielded like a shield in their arguments — james, how the marauders are, etc. etc. — against him, and genuinely mean it.

(she might regret that soon. but not the way you'd think!)

[cargopantsman]

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

Trigger warnings: All of them, because I am lazy. Also none of this is sensical.

Utter, hyper-caffeinated brain noise.

The problem with the concept of a "sense of self" is it already tries to concretize an amorphous abstract. It makes us want to point at some thing and say "Well... that's me." Whether it is a set of ideals that we try to live by, a set of activities that brings us a sense of joy or fulfillment, or, gods forbid, and entirely different and other person that "completes us."

I've always had an affinity for trickster figures and shapeshifters. The wearers of masks, the truthful liars, the artisans of duality, yada, yada. Since I was a child my first instinct has always been to blend in. If into the background, great, but if need be, if I needed to blend into the social fabric around me, I could do that too. To throw this into the high school backdrop; I wasn't a social butterfly, I was shy as could be, but I got along with the jocks, the goths, the nerds, the art freaks, the band kids, the preps, the whatever. Where ever I was I could fake that I belonged there. I was comfortable drifting in between worlds. (Looking back, I could have caused a lot more chaos with the information I was privy to at the time...[Oh, there's a constant point. I'm good at keeping secrets, keeping confidence. I'll lie my ass off to keep a secret.]) Does any of that really help drive a sense of self though? When your natural instinct is to mirror, to blend, to fade? When your point of pride is walking into a room unnoticed and, even better, leaving a party unseen? Does being a ghost count as an identity?

"Expression of Will" comes to mind... what does that mean? Ok, so some abstract thing is inside of you and you manifest it objectly outwardly. I was an artist. I made images in my head and "kind of" manifest them on paper. Some times people see that paper...  I was a writer... images in my head "became" words and some people saw that. I combined them into comics. Some people Saw that. Is that a lasting affect? Maybe the fights I've been into?! That time in 2nd grade someone was picking on a friend and I laid them out... the time in 8th grade someone was picking on me and clocked them down. Or in high school when someone decided to start some rumors and I held them up by their throat in the air until they turned blue? That was an inward thing that manifested outwardly. Nevermind good or bad, but was any of that... me?

Hmm. The beast. The primal... come back to that later.

"Expression of Will," "Expression of Will," "Expression of Will" ... What the fuck even is "Will"? Is this why philosophers get their heads so far up their ass? Is it a desire? The will to live.... living requires eating and the amount of times I forget to even do that... Maybe been looking at the phrase all wrong...

Will to Live (noun) It isn't a thing.

Will (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Why does that sound better?

Desire to Live (noun)

Desire (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Okay, that feels better even, but still... Sense of self, will, desire, expressions thereof. Are these just the aimless desires and wills? The fleeting flights of frivolous fancies festering forlornly in frontal cortices?

The self with the will can direct the desires towards living. "Get in the fucking robot Shinji!" "I don't wanna"

The (ghost) with the (strength) can direct the (impulses) towards (being). Getting too close to a concept of a soul on that one huh?

Forget self. It's a useless moniker right now. There is no self. It's just this mind alone for the first time in its entire life. (Not alone alone, there are friends, but they've learned more about me in the past two weeks than the past 6 years so...) "What did they learn?" asked the projection of self that defines itself by interactions with other.

I thought we were forgetting self.... not an option really. Sentience is a bitch like that. But they've learned I'll put up with a lot of bullshit under the guise of strength and integrity when I should've callously called this whole thing ages ago. That I can shut myself down completely in the interest of bodily-self preservation. (Not Self-self preservation, fuck the English language). What did I sacrifice? What did I shut down?

Everything.

That is less than helpful.

The Beast. Vince. Your Shadow.

My Shadow...

What do you desire?

Blood in the cut, tears in their eyes, power over someone that wants that power over them...

Do you want that? I don't want it, I just need it. No... I want it.

Is that all you are? A sadist? An animal?

Maybe... probably not though. A caretaker, and a sparring partner. A trickster and a shapeshifter. A crafter whose tools are destruction.

Next problem, grandeur. Mythologizing everything. But how to see a thing if you don't blow it up/magnify it?

You lack a sense of self because no one ever tested your sense of self. No one actually fought you for who you are. To find out who you are. The ex didn't. An old friend did until she got scared by what she found there.

You don't want to be yourself because it's not nice is it? You were raised to be nice.

College. I controlled the group. Never hit anyone after high school aside from set matches in classes or sparring for funsies. They all saw my eyes and stopped if they were getting out of hand.

The Dom-Friend.

Don't use the d-word on me.

Destroyer? Yeah, that one's fine. That one fits. He says as he carelessly tosses lit matches around his entire life. Can we bring up the phoenix or is that too grandiose? Why shouldn't it be grandiose? We spend every day of our lives going through the same kind of tedious bullshit all the time why not make our inner lives a bit bigger, a bit richer?

A bit darker.

Why do you want them to bleed? Hurt and comfort. That's a big theme, a trope if you will. Why not have both at the same? Why not let her think that I'm about to kill her but let her rest in the trust that I won't? Why not let me think that I'm about to break her while believing she is the most precious thing in the world?

Caretaker. A caretaker kills all the time. Tearing out weeds, uprooting the prized plant to move it to a better place for its growth.

Growth.

The self isn't going to be found just in ones self... not in another either. No, the self has to be found in everything. The things one wants to run to and run from. The soul (oops) is formed by what it crashes into right? The mind recoils from traumas races towards panaceas, why not, if one can, flip the polarity on the two. Bring the darkness screaming into the light so you can see it, bring the light quivering into the darkness so it can loose its terrifying brillance. Balance in all things right?

You're not a very positive person, they say. No... I'm not. It lashes out in bad ways sometimes, sure. Control, control, you must learn control. But being negative isn't bad. Not if you can grow from it. No plant can survive the sun for 24 hours. Trees sleep in the winter. We sleep, we heal, we grow.

Self-Destruction!! That's a fun one... seven fucking months downing a bottle of whisky a night. Whooo boy. Do Not Recommend.

Got a nice stay in the underworld though and trudged up a lot of shit. Now I'm sitting here with my ears ringing because I finally hit the personal limit on Monsters and my brain is overclocked enough I can finally see shit at 4 angles at the same time. I am a god damned quantum supercomputer of emotions right now.

Faith and faithlessness are the same thing. Have faith, trust the future, don't expect anything, don't plan your now for your future. Sounds sadly like live in the moment type bullshit, but life is weird and people are complex. Shifting drifting clueless animals that want to be safe but don't want to get stuck in anothers arms even when there is one whose arms are so safe.

The damage runs deep... and two people with damage running that deep. Hmm. How much healing can falling do? The other just puts a bandage over a puncture wound and both try to ignore it, but then the blood gets pumping, the heart pounds and poisons surge to the surface. It's neither one's fault really. Life is a trial of knives and we don't always have time or concern to tend the wounds properly. There's always something else that needs to be taken care of first.

Divorce is a helluva drug. It is maddening, the freedom to finally to be yourself is line having the lineart stripped off, there is a terrifying infinity in front of you and the only thing to do for awhile is melt. Let the slings and arrows just pierce and sink in. Anyone else tries to push the sludge of you into a shape might get hurt when they find the arrows. I want to go absolutely feral in a way. In a way the whole COVID mess is keeping me under lock and key so I'm just prowling around the empty house like I always have been, but now there's some sense... of purpose.

I'm raging against any depression, the executive dysfunction is going to have a talking to. The sense of self is going to be found in stripping this house down to bare walls and making a blank canvas. Bring everything down, ruin it all, start again.

My self is emptiness, it always has been. I can be anything, but I should be wary of ever wanting to be something. (My career options are AWESOME). But this is a different emptiness than before. Before I pulled the trigger and splattered the brains of the marriage across the floor I was just a void, and inky black pit of nothingness. Somehow, having the Shadow rise up and finally start getting along with the rest of me, the emptiness isn't.... void. It's just nascent possibility and that shouldn't scare me.

It does, of course, terrify me. First time in 40 years being legitimately alone is terrifying, should have done this kinda thing when I was 20, but... I was an idiot back then (60 year old me laughs from the future). But I think I can get a grip on the concept that "I" don't exist, but I'm real... ever changing ever dynamic, not who I was while I was married, but a mix of the me before, a angry beast now, and something yet unseen in the future.

[hoodwinkd1]

Your Eyes Whispered Ch 15

Ch 14 here.

Chapter 15: light hearted jokes

A pillow smacked his face, shocking Eris out of what had been an extremely pleasant dream. He almost snarled at the attack, turning onto his side, before remembering that the object of said dream was lying beside him.

“Sorry,” Rhia whispered, her eyes wide. “Did I wake you up?”

Her fingers played with the edge of the pillow still sitting between them. To Eris’ delight, she appeared to be in the process of removing the barrier, explaining the early morning attack.

“Not many people are brave enough to assault the High Lord first thing in the morning.” Testing the waters, he placed his hand next to hers, palm splayed open. The tumultuous ocean between them turned into a gentle stream as she took it.

Rhia let out a soft sigh. “Go on then, if you must. Lock me in the dungeons, imprison me for life.”

Was it his imagination, or had she shifted closer? Either way, Rhia looked entirely too tempting in the mornings. Her hair had fallen out of its updo and into complete disarray, but framed her face in a way that reminded him of cozy sweaters and falling leaves, of the brief moments he had ever truly relaxed in his life, of safety and of comfort.

He twisted their joined hands so he could press a kiss to her knuckles. “You shouldn’t dangle an idea like that in front of me. I may just keep you here forever, though certainly not in the dungeons.”

She hummed in response, releasing his hand to run hers through his hair. Her fingers continued to explore, drawing the most delicious shapes over his cheekbones, his nose, his jaw, and his neck. Eris would have traded all his fire power in exchange for the fiery lines her touch brought forth.

He also would have traded his powers in an instant for nothing at all. The unpleasant memory of the night before shadowed his thoughts, reviving the roaring self-hatred and guilt at causing her pain.

“Is this why you wanted to remove the pillows? I hadn’t guessed you’d be so affectionate this early.” Eris kept his tone light. She could take his question at face value or use it as an opening to talk about what had transpired.

Rhia grimaced. “Am I that easy to read?” She pushed his shoulder lightly, and he let himself fall onto his back. Eris almost lit the curtains on fire when she moved forward so they were chest to chest, one arm slipping on the other side of his waist. He curled his hand, the arm pinned underneath her, around her back, reveling in the simple touches. “The pillows were in my way.”

“We can’t have that,” Eris concurred. He grabbed the remaining pillow, resting against both of their knees and threw it over the side of the bed. He might have aimed too low and brushed her cheek. All’s fair in love and pillow fights, of course.

“Asshole!” Rhia launched herself on him in earnest this time, straddling his waist with her insanely gorgeous legs. She let a wisp of magic loose, pulling the pillow from the floor to her hands. Eris sat up, hands flailing to grab her wrists, but she got a good smack in before he could. He caught one of her hands and--

“This is too cute!”

Eris let out a snarl that could have woken half the palace at the intruder's voice.

---

Rhia desperately needed to catch up on inter-Court politics. She was relatively confident that  foreign diplomatic officials weren’t allowed to show up in High Lord’s bed chambers without invitation or announcement. And yet, Carina Archeron leaned against the door frame.

“Take your time! Just letting you know I’m waiting in the sitting room when you’re ready for a chat.” The dark-haired female sauntered out of the room, shutting the door behind her.

Eris dropped her hand and pinched his forehead in frustration. “I would say she’s not usually like this, except...she is.”

Rhia sighed and removed herself from his body. She had hoped that in the morning light, maybe some activities would be marginally easier than the night before. “We shouldn’t keep her waiting.”

“I have some very choice words for her,” Eris grumbled. “No more showing up wherever, whenever like she owns the building.”

“Oh? Does she show up in your bedroom often?” Rhia raised an eyebrow.

Eris’ reaction was better than she’d hoped. The High Lord, halfway through putting on a new shirt, whipped his head around, almost ripping the fabric apart. “We haven’t, she’s not, I can promise you that there’s nothing to worry about--”

“I’m teasing, love.” She reached up and helped navigate the sleeves down his arms. “Do you have a spare dressing robe? And not one that was meant for your previous consorts?”

He bit the tip of her ear as he moved past her towards the massive closet. “You’ll be the death of me.”

Carina perked up when they finally joined her in the main room. “That was much quicker than I expected. Look, I even put up a sound barrier.”

Rhia could feel the magic buzzing, right as Carina popped it. At least she had more faith in their sex life than Rhia did.

“I’ll be brief.” She sat back on one of the golden chairs, watching as the couple settled themselves on the couch. “I am sorry for interrupting; I forgot you would stay the night. Anyway, long story short, my parents have invited Eris to come stay the week before the Winter Solstice.”

“How wonderful,” he replied drily. “My ideal vacation.”

“They’ve also extended the invitation to you.” Carina winked at Rhia. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell them about your hero worship tendencies.”

She glanced over at Eris, who’d gone surprisingly stiff at the statement. “Isn’t that normal? Letting a fellow High Lord bring guests?”

“Of course it is,” Carina continued. She shifted in her chair, crossing one leg over the other. “Half of Prythian has heard the news of your mating.”

Eris let out a low growl. “I’m sure Rhysand has the purest of motives here.”

“Ignore him. Rhia, they stressed that you’re invited to come, even if you must come alone.”

Eris growled louder this time. “Not a fucking chance.”

Rhia whipped her head to face him, mouth gaping at the blatant demand in his tone. He never, not once, had said anything territorial or commanded her in anyway. “And who are you to stop me?”

“I would never stop you.” Eris clenched his jaw. “I just want you to see this charade for what it is.”

“Is it? A charade?” She directed the question at the Heir of the Night Court, who looked increasingly uncomfortable with every tense remark.

“I wouldn’t be here if I thought it was anything less than genuine,” she insisted. “Eris, you know I’ve never taken their grudge seriously.”

He leaned forward in his chair. Rhia tracked the movement of his arms as they slid down his thigh, hands joining together and elbows resting on his knees. “Tell me, then, with complete certainty, that the Inner Circle has no plans to investigate our relationship. That they have no desire to inspect my mate for themselves. That they have no beliefs that she might be in any danger.”

“What?” Rhia almost choked on nothing. “They can’t think — they have no reason to believe that you would harm me.”

Eris looked down into his palms, searching for something in the creases that brought her so much comfort. “You know our history. Of course they have reason to believe I would treat you maliciously.”

Carina glanced between the two of them. “Yeah, so third wheeling a fight isn’t really my idea of a grand time. I might just go—“

Eris cut her off. “Answer my question or return home with our most insincere apologies.”

“I don’t know! I didn’t ask and I honestly didn’t consider it.” Carina uncrossed her legs and stared him down, intensifying her gaze. “I swear on all the stars in the sky, I only came here with good intentions.” Her eyes jumped to Rhia and her smile turned apologetic. “And if they did pry, it’s only because they happen to be the nosiest assholes in this world.”

Rhia wanted to sweep this entire conversation under the rug and never address it again. She knew that Eris, like he would with any topic, would let her do exactly that if she asked him to.

But something in her heated. Some fire in her core, some deep-seated instinct urged her to defend, to protect, to snarl at any threat with every drop of her power.

“That isn’t fair. They have no right to judge what’s ours, without proof or complaint.” Her words were quiet, but the look from Eris screamed so loudly that she blushed. “If they have any sort of motive, then I have to decline.”

Carina dipped her head. “I can send that message to my parents. If you did say yes, I would set down clear and strict boundaries for your comfort.”

“Thank you. It’s not a yes or a no at this moment.” Eris’ response was much calmer than before, drawing a soft sigh of relief from her lungs.

Rhia offered a weak smile to the other female. She genuinely wanted to bond with Carina, sought friendship with one of the few Fae Eris trusted, and this conversation had deterred her from that goal. One last question lingered, though.

“I know the history between our Courts is tense, and rightfully so,” she began. “But truly, what purpose does it serve to antagonize Eris like this? After successfully allying with him for so long?”

Carina shrugged. “They always have to be the hero. My parents and family have centered themselves in one narrative for too long, unable to really break the molds they were forced into.”

“My father grew more powerful than anyone expected, than anyone knew how to handle, all while facing scorn from both halves of his bloodline. He had to comprise his own beliefs when dealing with the Illyrians and the Hewn City, yet never could find a way to actually fix the problems. My mother was thrust into almost unlimited power and given a hyper-dedicated soulmate at 19 years old, with no worldly perspective or aged experience.” Carina bit her lip, as if holding back a grin before adding: “oh, and of course they both died for Prythian, so that really set the entitlement in.”

She waved a hand casually, wiping away the fact that she had just analyzed the two most magical beings in this world with utter candor. “Whatever, enough about them. Think on it, and send me a note when you decide. Either way, I’ll still visit and demand the latest Autumn gossip.”

She winnowed before Eris or Rhia could move, a person much too used to always getting the last word.

“How are you feeling?” Rhia leaned back into the couch cushions and placed her hand on his shoulder.

Eris draped his hand over hers and squeezed. “I don’t think I ever feel normal after conversing with Carina,” he admitted. “But I’m no longer angry. I apologize that you had to see that.”

Rhia snorted. “You’re much too calm normally. I can appreciate some rage now and again.”

“Never at you.” He leaned over to kiss her knuckles. “Not ever at you. If you’d like me to rage at someone on your behalf, however, that’s completely acceptable.”

“A wonderful sentiment.” The hand on his shoulder slid behind his neck, while its twin danced across his abdomen. “I would like to see the Night Court someday.”

Eris hummed. “I’ll make sure you see all the Courts and the continents beyond, if you wish.”

“Even Illyria?” she teased.

“Nope.”

“Why the hell not?” Rhia pouted. Rhia hadn’t felt any actual desire to go to the bitterly cold mountains, but his denial struck her as a bit odd.

Eris glanced up at the ceiling. “It’s embarrassing.”

“Well now I simply must know,” Rhia giggled. “Or I’ll assume something much worse than what it is.”

She watched him scrunch up his nose in the most adorably frustrated way. “The General and I....we don’t mix.”

“Eris,” she sighed. “You can’t let this grudge eat away at you like—“

“It’s not the grudge.” A blush crept up his neck. “It’s not me that, well, I don’t want you meeting  Cassian.”

Rhia swatted him. “Is he so horrible? Or are you worried I’ll take one look at his hulking body and fall madly in love?”

A beat of silence. Another. Too much time passed, and Eris still didn’t respond to her taunt.

“No.”

He groaned and pulled her closer to him, hiding his face in her curls. “It’s not what you’re thinking! It’s beyond silly, I know, but he did manage to take not one, but two betrothals from me.” His voice went soft. “It’s silly to even think this.”

Rhia bit her tongue, trying to think of anything comforting or sweet to say. She couldn’t do it. A giggle slipped out, and Eris shot his head up.

“Don’t you dare laugh at me.” His eyes flashed in warning, pushing her over the edge.

Rhia gasped for air as the laughter fully overtook her. She covered her mouth. “I’m sorry, I’m trying to be serious but...” Another laugh interrupted her sentence. “That is so incredibly ridiculous and superstitious!”

Eris glared at her. “My ego is utterly shredded right now, thank you very much.”

“I love you.” She finally calmed down enough to  press a light kiss to the edge of his mouth. “I love you and we’re mates and I promise I won’t leave you for the General of the Night Court.” She kissed the other side of his mouth, punctuating her words.

He wouldn’t risk her pulling away, gripping her waist to keep her against him. She teased him with a few more pecks, adjusting her position to hover directly on his lap.

“Kiss me, you cruel, despicable creature.” His breath fanned her neck and she smiled against his forehead.

A heartbeat later and they were tangled up in each other, lips and tongues and limbs coming together as one. Rhia gasped when he bit her bottom lip and Eris purred when her nails dug into his shoulders.

"Promise me we won't be interrupted this time," she breathed, as he moved down her jaw and back to that one spot on her neck.

Eris smiled against her skin. "I've tripled the wards."

She licked her lips, drawing his attention back up to her face. Slowly, torturing them both, her fingers grazed the neckline of the dressing robe, gliding it down her shoulders, letting it fall off her arms. He looked at her with all the intensity and desperation of a drunkard on his last bottle of wine.

She leaned forward, kissing her way from his chin to his ear. "Should we try again?"

-----

thank you for reading! 

tag list: @moonbeamfenrys @qamariana

[erin-bo-berin]

Faith (Part 2)

If you haven’t read part 1, called Hope, you can read it here

The final part to Hope is here! This is insanely long, the longest I’ve written yet. Not gonna lie I’m really glad I split it into two parts because all together it would’ve been nearly 13k words. Anyway, in this part you’re gonna get some Spencer POV, daddy Spencer (I might have gotten carried away with the cuteness, I apologize in advance) and some smut. Also I might’ve gotten carried away with that part as well, you’ve been warned. Quick fun fact: The Lonesome Bunny was an actual story I wrote in 5th grade that won in a competition. You’ll see that I’m referring to later on in the fic. Enjoy!

Spencer Reid/Reader

Word Count: 8,407

Rated: M (Smut)

So much can happen in a week. 

Emily had gotten Spencer a great lawyer; one who happened to be a friend of hers. She reassured you that he was in good hands. Even that reassurance did nothing for the constant state of anxiety that twisted your stomach.

The next step was going to be his hearing. Rossi was already ready to post his bail and get him out of jail while he waited for his trial. The whole team had a moment to breathe, thinking that this next step would be a break in luck.

None of them saw what was coming. You, most of all.

After the shocking result of Spencer’s bail being denied, everyone had to face the fact that he was going to be sitting in a prison cell while awaiting trial. Emily and the rest of the team promised to work their hardest to get him out of there. You believed them, of course you did. But no one prepared you for how it would affect not only you, but your daughter as well.

“Daddy bye bye?” 

You ran a hand over her hair, trying to smooth the loose curls before kissing her head.

“Daddy will be back soon.”

You weren’t sure if you were saying the words to comfort Abbie or yourself. Her wails and cries still rang in your ears, the haunting sound breaking your heart a little more each time you remembered them. She was too young to understand what was going on, but it was clear she knew something was wrong. You knew she could sense your stress, your despair.

She laid her head on your shoulder, eyes growing heavy. JJ had just gotten back from taking the boys and Abbie to see Diana. You passed on this initial trip, afraid your emotional state might upset her since she hadn’t any idea what had happened. Even though Diana didn’t understand what was going on in her own ways, you were glad the kids were able to lift her spirits.

Abbie whimpered, fighting sleep, rubbing her fists into her eyes.

“Hey, why don’t I take her and give you a little break?” Penelope said, reaching out to take her. 

“Besides I always love some auntie Penelope time,” she grins, rubbing your shoulder, concern showing on her face. “We’re going to get him out of there okay?”

You nod, giving a small smile. She’d given you a visiting schedule she’d made, listing the order of her, you and the team could visit him. You were up second after her because since she’d made the chart, she got to go first—her words. It gave you a small comfort to know you’d be able to see him soon.

•

“What do you mean I’m not on the approved visitor list?!” you exclaimed.

“Spencer made his list of visitors…” Emily trailed off, “And you weren’t on it.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“I don’t know, Y/N,” she said, clearly feeling as helpless as you currently felt.

“So what does he want me to do? Sit at home, take care of Abbie and twiddle my thumbs?!”

You knew this entire situation was crazy. Spencer was going through a lot, the team was going through a lot, but yet your anger came. The only reason it came was to mask the hurt you felt. It was like a punch to the gut when you realized he didn’t even want to see you. With no reason or explanation why. You could get past the personal hurt even if he just wanted you to visit to talk about Abbie. After all, you were only his co-parent. 

“I wish I knew what to tell you, Y/N. I can’t begin to imagine what’s going through his head right now.”

“I know, I know.” You rubbed your temples, the beginnings of a headache starting to pound behind your eyes.

“I just wish I could do something. At least you guys are able to work on his case to help and free him. I can’t even do that.”

You swallow, tears once again blurring your vision. You’d tried so hard not to cry in front of Abbie but now it was beginning to catch up to you.

“You’re doing something very important, Y/N.” Emily wrapped her arms around you and hugged you tight.

“Yeah? What’s that?” you mumbled into her shoulder.

She pulls away from you, holding you at arms length with her hands on your shoulders.

“Taking care of that little girl.” She points in the direction of her office window. You look out into the bullpen and Henry sitting at his mom’s desk with Abbie in his lap, both of them coloring.

“You’re taking the absolute best care of her until we can get Spencer out. I know it puts him at ease to know she isn’t alone.”

“How is he?” you asked, knowing she’d been to see him recently.

“Alright for now, he’s gotten some sleep. He was mainly concerned about Abbie and his mom. He didn’t say it, but I could tell her reaction just about broke him.”

“JJ said she cried herself to sleep,” you sighed, wanting nothing more than to scoop your baby up and hold her, to protect her.

“How’s she doing now?”

“Okay, I suppose. She’s been really fussy and clingy ever since it happened, I’m surprised she’s gone to anyone here so well. At home, she won’t even let me out of her sight. She keeps asking about daddy, too.”

“She’s a tough girl. She gets that after both of you.” 

“I wish I felt as strong as you think I am.”

“MA MA!” You heard an excited shriek, all the way from the office.

“Yeah, she’s definitely Reid’s kid,” Emily commented.

You shake your head, exasperated, walking out of the office to head down to the bullpen.

“What baby?” you called, descending down the steps.

She’d gotten down from Henry’s lap and was toddling in your direction, a piece of paper in one hand, a crayon gripped in her other. 

“Ook!” She held out the paper in your direction and you took it, picking her up in the process.

“It’s beautiful, baby girl,” you smile, looking at the scribbles on the page.

“We’re making pictures for Uncle Spencer,” Henry said, looking up from his own picture.

“I told the kids that they could draw pictures and I’d take them to show him when I go to visit him,” JJ said, “I remember you said that she loves to color and I thought I could take hers as well.”

You smiled, “He’ll like that.”

Looking around at all the lengths his team was going to, to help him made you realize just how much of a family the group was. You could feel their love for him, their determination to work their asses off to free him.

Suddenly, it felt like things might actually turn out okay.

•

38 days.

He’d been keeping track of the days with notches in the wall.

He’d been in prison for 38 days. 

In that time Spencer had been jumped by a group of prisoners wanting to attack him since he was fresh meat. He was moved to a private cell. There he encountered even more problems. He was pressured to help move drugs within the prison which he time and time again refused to do. He befriended another prisoner in hopes of keeping him from being attacked only that effort resulted in him being beaten up instead.

The days were long and stretched out. He could feel his sanity slipping a bit more every day. Prison really was a place of desperation. The unthinkable happened inside these four walls. 

He missed the team so much. He missed his mom. He missed his little girl. He missed Y/N.

The last time Emily had been to visit him she’d told him only what he expected; Y/N was bewildered, hurt and angry at his decision. He hadn’t said much on the topic. He did what he had to do.

Today’s visitor was JJ. He hadn’t seen her for a few weeks. Apparently there was a whole schedule for visiting him. He was so happy to finally see a familiar face again. It had seemed like weeks since he’d seen any of his friends when in reality—by his makeshift calendar—it had only been 6 days.

“Hey, how are you?” JJ asked, concern brightening her eyes.

“Okay, I guess. Just trying to survive here,” Spencer said.

Her brows furrowed and he knew what was coming next.

“You’re hurt. What happened?”

“It’s nothing, I’m fine. Why aren’t you working on a case?”

“Actually I stayed behind so I could visit you,” she answered. 

“You shouldn’t have. You should’ve gone.”

“No. I should be here. You’re not alone in this Spence.”

He nodded, watching her through the glass that separated the two of them as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a few papers.

“Henry drew this for you. See that’s you and that’s him. It’s from that day we went to the park.”

“Tell him it’s beautiful,” he could hear his own voice cracking, “Tell him I love it.”

JJ smiled, folding it again.

“I will.”

She opened another picture, showing scribbles, a heart and what appeared to be stick figures.

“Michael drew this one. He said he thought you needed lots of love while you were away on vacation and that he misses you.”

That brought a slight smile to his face. His youngest godson had quite the imagination and at only 3 had thought up that Spencer was away on vacation. His heart ached with how much he missed them. He watched JJ once again reach for another piece of paper.

“Another drawing?” He laughed dryly.

“I thought you might like to see this one too,” she said softly, “Abbie did this one for you.”

There was nothing but colorful scribbles on the page, the complete normal for an 18-month-old. But this was different because it was made by HIS 18-month-old. His little girl.

Of course he believed in his team that they’d get him out of here and catch Mr. Scratch—the asshole that put him here—but it was truly his baby girl that helped him go on. Abbie gave him faith. He had to have faith that he would get out of here and not give up. If he gave up, she might grow up without a father and he knew from firsthand experience that was the last thing he wanted for his child. 

“She’s very artistic.” He tried to laugh, but it came out more of a dry, raspy sound.

“That she is,” JJ smiled.

“How is she?” Spencer whispered.

“Abbie? Or Y/N.”

“You know I mean Abbie.”

“Spence...why don’t you just reconsider your decision. Please?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Why not? She’s worried about you. She wants to see you too.”

“Jennifer. I don’t want to talk about this.”

“But Spen-”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it okay?” he snapped.

Her words died mid-sentence and she went quiet.

“I’m sorry JJ,” he ran his hands through his hair, then rubbed his eyes, “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“Have you been sleeping?” JJ’s concerned tone reappeared again. 

“Not much.”

“I’m worried about you. We all are. I know this hasn’t been easy on you at all.”

“I can’t even explain it fully, JJ. There’s a sort of helplessness in here that causes people to do things they normally wouldn’t do.”

She seemed to be a loss of words. He didn’t say it to scare her or cause her worry, it was just the truth.

The alarm sounded, signaling that visitation time was up.

“Spencer.”

He looked back at her as he stood to leave.

“Please be careful okay? Keep your head down, don’t attract any unwanted attention.”

He nodded in response. 

The hand of a security guard grabbed his arm, escorting him back to his cell. Every step took him back towards his own personal hell and away from the life he once so naively took advantage of.

•

Things didn't turn out okay. Bad news suddenly became the soup du jour.

Every time Emily or JJ, Rossi or Garcia gave you an update your outlook just became bleaker and bleaker. It was affecting everything in your life. 

You’d cut the number of the interior jobs you normally did in half, not having the motivation nor the time to complete them. Soon you ended up taking a leave of absence. Fortunately, with the past financial aid of Spencer, you could afford to leave work. Your mood was affecting Abbie more and more, her often crying and wanting her daddy. Most days you felt like crying along with her.

You hated being in the dark. Technically you did get updates about what was happening, but you hadn’t seen him in 3 months. That night at the BAU when he was brought home had been the last time you’d been in his presence. Your anger at him for refusing to see you had faded leaving you feeling drained. You could only imagine how the team felt when they were the one trying their hardest to find Mr. Scratch.

In the last month, Spencer had witnessed his friend die, potentially poisoned and killed some drug dealers—you didn’t ask for specifics on that one—been beaten up pretty badly and stabbed himself to get into protective custody. You had no idea how the hell he’d survived all of this, but he had.

Many of your days were spent at the BAU now. When the group wasn’t off working on other cases they were required to give their attention to, you were at Quantico. How different it was spending so much time in the unit in comparison to 3 years ago. Then, you couldn’t stay long enough. Now, all you wanted was to be anywhere else.

You were seated on the couch in Emily’s office, attempting to keep Abbie preoccupied with a few toys. That was about all you could do now was to keep her attention elsewhere before she became irreconcilable once again. 

You were making her favorite bunny plushie kiss her repeatedly causing her to giggle when the door busted open and in ran Penelope.

“Y/N, Y/N! We got him!”

You were so startled by the sudden entrance that you didn’t understand what she was talking about.

“Who?”

“Mr. Scratch. He’s been caught and he confessed to everything. Framing Reid and all of it. Me and JJ are heading to the prison to get him. You’re coming with. Not a question, an order.”

You nod, dazed at the amount of information slung at you and picked up Abbie and her bunny, following behind the tech as fast as you could.

Twenty minutes later, you were waiting outside the prison with Garcia while JJ went to take care of all the legal proceedings that came with freeing Spencer.

You were just picking up Abbie’s bunny that she had purposely dropped on the ground when Garcia spoke.

“Hey, Abbie.”

She turned towards Garcia’s voice.

“Look over there sweet girl. Look who it is,” she pointed ahead.

Abbie looked over just in time to see JJ and Spencer coming out of the front doors. The moment she saw him, she was in action, trying to squirm out of your arms. 

You set her down and she went running as fast as her little legs could in his direction, her bunny still in her hand.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY!” She shrieked as she ran.

He scooped her up in one swift movement, hugging her close.

“I’ve missed my Abbie-bear.” 

He tapped her nose making her scrunch it in response. 

“How’s my baby girl?” he asked, pushing her hair back from her forehead and kissing her head.

She babbled in response, holding out her bunny to him, clearly happy to be in his arms again. He kissed the bunny’s nose, then Abbie’s. He did it again only this time playfully attacked her with kisses, making her squeal and giggle.

“Hey, you.” Penelope had gone over to hug him tight while you and JJ stood back.

“You know I always knew he would be a great father, but seeing it in action is even more heartwarming. He’s so great with her,” she said.

“He is,” you agreed.

“He cares about her a lot you know. But not only her.” 

JJ gave you a sidelong glance before going to join them, leaving you to puzzle out what her cryptic comment could mean.

•

The aftermath was hectic when you returned to the Bureau. With everyone hugging Spencer and talking to him about the details of Scratch’s capture, you naturally just fell towards the back of the flurry of activity. You noticed the entire time he didn’t let go of Abbie even though she was now sound asleep on his shoulder, her bunny positioned underneath one of her arms and his chest.

You thought you’d heard Rossi say he was going to get some champagne when Spencer finally approached you. Things had never been awkward for the two of you, but they sure felt it now.

“Hey.” 

He leaned against the desktop next to where you sat.

“Hey.”

“She’s out cold,” he motioned to Abbie with his head.

“I noticed. She missed her nap today and has been fighting sleep.”

“Poor thing.” He rubbed her back and she stirred slightly, repositioning herself before going back to sleep.

“So, I was actually wondering,” he began, “Would it be okay if I spent some time with her? I’ve just missed her so much. I feel like she’s gotten so big since I last saw her.”

“Sure. That’s fine. I can get you her diaper bag and some things if you want to keep her for the weekend.”

“Actually I meant like the three of us together. If you want to come to my place or...I just mean I feel like we have some things we need to talk about.”

“Well most of her things are at my place,” you said, purposely ignoring the last part of his comment, “So I guess that would be easier and you can spend as much time as you want with her. You know you’re always welcome to.”

“I’m not sure when or if I’ll be able to come back,” he said quietly, “A lot has happened.”

“Yeah. A lot has.”

You could feel the weight of the last months weighing heavily not just on him, but on you two. Things had worked so smoothly between you both up until this point that you couldn’t help but wonder if this would be too much strain. Some things you just can’t come back from.

Emily noticed the last time she’d visited, just how much prison had changed him. He was suffering from bad PTSS—post-traumatic stress syndrome. He was having nightmares, not sleeping, constantly battling the demons of what he’d had to face in those short months. Emily never said as much, but you knew how close he’d come to death by the hands of the inmates.

Everyone was mentally and emotionally exhausted. They’d all been granted six weeks off work to rest, Spencer especially. He’d have to see a therapist as well and retest before he could even be considered for reinstatement.

“Emily thought it would be best if I wasn’t alone for now.”

“That’d be wise,” you agreed.

 “She suggested I stay with you…” he trailed off nervously.

You were caught off guard and found yourself staring at him, most likely resembling a deer in headlights.

“I mean she just thought being around Abbie would help me a lot and you...”

You had no idea what he was going to say and unfortunately, he didn’t finish his sentence. You couldn’t possibly turn him away at a time like this, even if you desperately didn’t want to have to deal with your complicated feelings about him.

“Uh yeah. That’s fine. She’ll love having you around more.”

The two of you had never shared a living space for more than one night. There was no telling what the next six weeks would bring.

•

The first month was rough. Not only for him but for you as well.

Spencer would often wake in the middle of the night screaming from nightmares, resulting in waking Abbie. He felt so bad about it he’d often force you to go back to bed and sit up with Abbie until she fell asleep again.

One night, you’d been on the way back from the bathroom when you heard the soft rise and fall of his voice. Peeking into the nursery, you saw Spencer in the rocking chair with Abbie in his lap, a book opened in front of them.

When he turned the page, you caught a glimpse of the cover: The Lonesome Bunny, one of Abbie’s favorite books.

“The little bunny was so sad before,” Spencer frowned, pointing to a picture on the page.

Abbie cooed in response, looking up at him as he read.

“But now he was happy, knowing he was loved by all his friends. The end.”

Spencer closed the book and Abbie immediately reached forward and opened it again.

“No.”

“You want me to read it again?” Spencer asked, chuckling when she nodded.

“Princess, I’ve read it to you twice already.”

“No.” Her hands tried to turn the pages back to the beginning.

“Oh, alright. Once more and then it’s time to go back to sleep okay?” He kissed her cheek then turned back to the first page.

“There once was a little bunny, a lonesome little bunny.”

You smiled at the memory, staring up at the ceiling of your bedroom as you lay in bed, procrastinating getting up to start your day. It was a luxury you weren’t used to. Having Spencer around had been great because the help with Abbie was nice. He seemed to be getting better too. He still suffered from his demons and the nightmares still happened but not nightly like they once did.

It now had been 5 months since he was released. Things were seeming to finally get better. Spencer was reinstated—with a rule that every 100 days he worked in the field, he had to take 30 days off. He was initially disappointed at the decision, feeling like it wasn’t a full reinstatement. Emily reassured him it was for him to recharge mentally and physically and most importantly to spend time with his family. Now, he’d taken it in stride and loved the extra daddy-daughter time; Abbie was happy as she could be. The only thing that hadn’t changed in the least bit was the tension in your relationship with Spencer.

You got along alright, you just never talked about what had happened. Prison or his downright objection to seeing you was never spoken of. Of cours,e you were there to help him through his trauma, but you avoided any and every conversation having to do with the two of you. If it had to do with Abbie or any other subject, you could talk to him for hours. You just didn’t have the energy to unravel your feelings, nor get his no relationship wanted reply.

Yesterday was the beginning of his first 30 day stint of time off. Spencer being Spencer, he treated you and Abbie to a day at the zoo, anxious to teach her all about the animals. 

“Just wait until she’s old enough to really understand and retain what she’s learning. She’s going to have a vast knowledge of things just because of you,” you’d said, smiling while he helped Abbie feed a giraffe.

He turned towards you, squinting against the sun and smiled big.

“I want only the best for my little girl,” he had responded.

His smile was as bright as the sun, his eyes glinting from the happiness he obviously felt. A light breeze floated through the air, rustling the waves and curls of his hair ever so slightly. Your heart fluttered and it was at that moment you knew you could no longer deny the fact that you were in love with him.

Emily had been telling you the same thing for months, telling you that you had to admit it sooner or later because the moment of truth would hit you eventually. The moment of truth had finally come.

You were in love with the Halloween loving, chopstick hating, kickass profiler, amazing father, 187 IQ’d pretty boy that was Spencer Reid; and you were finally ready to tell him.

•

You glanced at the clock and were surprised to see it was already 9:30. You hadn’t stayed in bed that long since before Abbie had been born.

Noises from the kitchen pulled you out of your bed. You padded down the hallway, smiling when you heard Abbie’s babbling.

“What’s going on?” you asked.

You walk into the kitchen and see Spencer at the stove, Abbie’s high chair pulled up to the cabinet near him.

“Wel,l Abbie-bear here wanted to help daddy fix breakfast. Isn’t that right sweetheart?” 

You look over and see your child sitting in her high chair with chocolate smeared all over her face and hands, grinning big.

“Technically she was supposed to be adding the chocolate chips to the pancake batter, but she decided to eat the handful instead,” he chuckled.

“It’s the thought that counts right?” you laughed, grabbing a baby wipe from the pack on the counter.

You clean her face and hands as best as you can with her trying to squirm away from the wet cloth. 

“You’re silly aren’t you?” you smile, handing her a fresh cup of juice.

“No,” she giggled in response.

“You didn’t have to make breakfast Spencer.”

He shrugged.

“I wanted to. I figure since I kinda live here at the moment I can at least help you out.” 

He added another finished pancake to the growing plate of pancakes then poured the last remaining pancake batter to make a tiny one.

“This one is especially for you Abbie because it’s just your size, see?” 

He stepped aside, letting her see the small pancake on the griddle. She smiled around the spout of her sippy cup as she drank her apple juice.

“Thank you for making breakfast.” 

You stood on your tiptoes and quickly kissed his cheek, a simple act of gratitude. At least you hoped that’s what it conveyed. You’d turned to grab a mug for some coffee and when you faced him again you saw he was staring at you.

“What?” you asked, suddenly self-conscious that you were in ratty old pajamas and your hair probably standing up in numerous directions.

The spell seemed to be broken when you spoke. He scrunched his nose in the cute little way he always did, turning back to the stove.

“Nothing, nothing.”

Ten minutes later the three of you were at the table pigging out on pancakes. You tore Abbie’s pancake into smaller pieces and she was currently grabbing them with both hands, managing to get more on her than actually in her.

“Did you always want kids?” Spencer asked, watching you hand her a small piece of your bacon.

“That’s a random question,” you chuckled, picking up your fork again.

He shrugged a shoulder.

“Just curious.”

“Yeah, I always knew I wanted kids one day,” you answered.

“But not at 24, right?”

You winced, thinking of how in shock you were when you found out you were pregnant. You were 23 almost 24 when you’d initially met Spencer. He’d been 34 even though he easily passed for your age. You really understood what it meant that age didn’t matter. He was nearly 11 years older than you, but a majority of the time you didn’t even remember. 

“I mean I don’t blame you. When I was 24, I was only in my second year of working at the BAU. Kids were absolutely the last thing on my mind,” he said.

“It’s not that. I was just scared knowing that from that point on I was responsible for this tiny, fragile little human that would depend on me for the rest of my life. It was even scarier to think just how much she needed me, even during pregnancy. But I wouldn’t change having her for anything. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“She definitely is amazing, isn’t she?”

Abbie reached out towards him, a piece of pancake in her fingers.

“Daddy.”

He leaned towards her and took the bite in his mouth in which she smiled happily.

“Thank you baby girl.”

She started fussing, reaching for him, wanting out of her high chair.

“What about you? Did you never want kids or something?”

He lifted the tray off and unfastened her from the chair, taking her in his lap.

“I didn’t say that,” he said matter of factly, but not in a mean tone, “I just said at 24 I wasn’t thinking about kids.”

“Okay, so what changed your mind then?” You took another bite of pancake and chewed, waiting for his answer.

“I don’t know. It was different things. Encountering kids at work, being the godfather to Michael and Henry. I always loved kids. I just didn’t think it was going to happen for me because work kept me so busy. Then one day I realized I’m 36 and I don’t know if I’ll ever have kids. Then this little munchkin came about unexpectedly,” he said, tickling her tummy.

“I never knew if it would be a reality for me, but I’ve imagined having a big family before. Big house, lots of kids and toys everywhere, it just seemed nice and completely different from my childhood. I mean it was just me and my parents. Then my dad left and it was my mom and me. I just figured maybe having a big family of my own would fill that loneliness I felt as a kid, you know?”

“That’s sweet,” you smiled, “I understand what you’re saying. Who knows though? Maybe you still will. How many kids are there in your imagined future?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Maybe 5 or 6.”

You almost choked on your coffee.

“You poor future wife,” you sputtered.

“I don’t know, I have a feeling she’ll be the type to be cut out for half a dozen kids.”

There’s a small smile on his lips as he feeds another piece to an open-mouthed Abbie. He doesn’t look up to catch your questioning look though.

“These pancakes are amazing by the way.” 

You’d just finished up your third and Abbie was still shoveling hers in.

“I think she agrees.”

“Well thank you,” he grinned.

Spencer hands Abbie to you and you take her, cleaning her face.

“What’s on today’s agenda?” you ask, pulling her hands away from the coffee mug she was trying to grab.

“Actually, JJ is taking Abbie today.”

“What? Why?”

“Well, the boys have missed her and have been begging to see her again. I also think it’s time to finally talk about what we’ve been tiptoeing around for months, Y/N.”

You felt yourself stiffen. Sure, you may have just decided the day before that you wanted to finally confess your feelings to him, but you didn’t want to have to deal with all the other things. Unfortunately for you, it went hand in hand and you knew he was right.

“Y/N, please. I know you’re still upset about things that happened when I was in prison. But you do know we need to talk about them eventually.”

“I know,” you whispered; the buried feelings from those horrible months coming to the surface again.

“Let’s go get her dressed. JJ should be here by 10.” 

Spencer took her from you, setting her down on her feet.

“How about a race, pumpkin? I’ll race you to your room.”

Abbie shrieked, taking off on her little legs, Spencer behind her, pretending to be way behind.

“She’s off to a wonderful start, look at that form as she runs!” Spencer’s voice came from the hall as if he were narrating an actual race, “Oh no, she’s beating me! She’s rounding the corner! She’s at the last stretch of the mile! IT’S OFFICIAL! Abrielle Jade Reid is the winner!”

You hear squealing and her giggles ascend in what you assume is caused by Spencer picking her up.

You stare at the place where he was sitting minutes before, remembering something Emily had told you days earlier.

“Abbie may be almost 2, but she has faith in you and Spencer every single day. She may not know what it is, but as her parents, she quite literally trusts you with her life. So why can’t you have that kind of faith in Spencer?”

•

An hour later it’s just you and Spencer left in the house. You weren’t proud to say that you had hidden out in your bedroom while he was assisting JJ with Abbie’s car seat outside, your attempt at prolonging the start of the conversation.

You heard the front door close and his footsteps getting closer to your room. You sat your phone aside when he walked in and sat up against the pillows.

“I’m gonna talk and you’re gonna listen. Okay?”

It wasn’t often that you heard Spencer sound so stern, the steely tone of his voice unfamiliar. But you currently felt like a student in the principal’s office about to face punishment. He didn’t wait for you to answer before he continued.

“I’m going to tell you about what happened to me in prison.” His voice was gentler now, but you saw by his face that he was serious.

“Spencer-”

His hard look silenced you.

“I want to do this. I can’t tell you why I chose not to see you until I tell you this.”

So he told you.

And you listened.

He told you about the fear he constantly lived with of being discovered as a fed, while in prison. He told you how he tried to help another inmate that was being targeted which only ended up in himself being beaten up and later, the same friend being murdered in front of him. How an inmate he mistook as a friend was actually the most dangerous prisoner there; he controlled everything and everyone and tried his hardest to control Spencer too. How his mind seemed to adapt to the line of thinking of the others. It was either do what you have to do or get killed. He explained that he did something terrible, something that he would’ve never imagined he’d ever do but was forced to do it to spare his own life. He confessed how much it scared him, that prison had turned him into a monster. He told you how painful it was reliving the events as he worked to heal in therapy. He indeed told you everything.

It hurt like hell hearing every detail, each of his words etched with pain and bad memories. He didn’t continue for a few quiet minutes after he finished recounting everything. His eyes were closed, as if trying to erase the pain of the old wounds freshly opened. You reached out towards him, putting your hand on top of his. When he opened his eyes, he looked down at your hand over his.

Without a word, he turned his hand in yours until your fingers laced through his perfectly.

“The team is used to seeing things like this. Even though it was me in there, one of their own, they knew to expect the worst. They see bad things every day. But I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t let you see me like that. It would have completely broken you.”

He paused, swallowing hard before continuing.

“My job is to see horrible things and look how prison impacted me. How do you think I’d feel knowing I was responsible for putting you through so much pain? It was never about not wanting to see you. It was about protecting you, about keeping you oblivious to the true horrors of what it’s like in there. I was so afraid you wouldn’t be able to handle it. All I wanted to do was protect you and Abbie.”

You didn’t know exactly when you’d began crying, but now you felt the tears streaming quickly down your face. Months of pent up emotions came pouring out of you all at once.

“All I wanted to do was to see you! I wasn’t able to do anything to help you and then I’m told I couldn’t even see you? I had never felt so helpless.”

“Please don’t cry.”

He moved to where he could sit closer to you, concern etching his features. Pulling his hand out of yours, he put a hand on your face, wiping your tears.

“It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. Please believe me.”

“I know. I believe you.”

Your faces were mere inches apart by now and his eyes searched your face, repeatedly glancing down at your lips. All it would take was a hair of movement and your lips would be connected. You felt the tempting pull, wanting to kiss him badly, yet you stayed still, the moment seeming to stretch on.

“We can’t,” you whispered.

He was so close, you felt the breath of his words against your lips.

“Why not?”

He made the final move and kissed you. You didn’t fight it anymore. It was like having a drink of water after suffering from an agonizing thirst. His lips felt familiar, they were familiar but it’d been an awfully long time since you felt them against yours.

Your lips moved with his, parting every few kisses before reconnecting them to his. It was slow, sensual and full of love. All of your love for him was poured into the kiss, but you knew that was just your take on it. For you, this right now felt like coming home.

He inched you backwards until you were pressed up against your pillows once again with him hovering over you, his mouth not leaving yours once.

“I swear I didn’t intend to start something like this,” he murmured against your lips, between kisses.

“Not,” you paused as he kissed you again, “Complaining.”

Your hands moved over his chest and up his shoulders until your arms were wrapped around his neck. He was intoxicating and you were taking in as much of him as you could before this ended once again.

He pushed your pillows off the bed towards the floor, laying you flat against the bed. Though every time you’d been together hadn’t been fast and rough, you’d never taken it this slow with him before. The slow, intense kiss came to a standstill when he gently raked his teeth over your bottom lip before pulling away from you.

With his hands on your hips, he pushed them upwards, taking the bottom of your shirt up as well.

“Wait,” you grabbed his wrist, looking up at him.

“A-Are you sure you want to?” you asked hesitantly, not entirely confident his head was in the right place for something like this.

“I’m fine, Y/N. I’m positive.”

You raised your arms as he pulled the shirt over your head.

“Besides,” he paused to unbutton his shirt, “I want to take my time with you.”

You bit your lip, his words sending a warm flush all throughout your body. You helped him remove his shirt and pants at the same time because suddenly all you wanted was to feel his body against yours. After a lackadaisical kiss he began his descent downwards. 

His lips moved down your chest with soft kisses, a trail of them placed just above the cups of your bra. He reached behind you to unfasten it, slowly pulling each strap down your shoulder, his mouth following closely behind his hands.

He kissed each shoulder, your collar bones and breasts, his tongue softly flicking over both nipples in turn. You gasped, feeling goosebumps prickle your arms. His sloth like pace was both thrilling and agonizing at the same time. 

More followed down your belly, his fingers gently brushing the few stubborn stretch marks pregnancy had left behind. He paused briefly at your hip, sucking on it then running his tongue over the small bruise he’d created there.

“Mmm,” you hummed as he pushed your legs apart gently, clearly anticipating his next move.

Surprising you, he didn’t do what you thought he would. His lips brushed the top of your underwear, half on your skin, half on the fabric.

“Spence,” you moaned softly wanting more than what he was giving.

“I love it when you call me that,” he said, voice thick with desire. 

He licked his lips, looking up at you, eyes locked on yours as he pulled the silky item off you, hands trailing down your thighs, then back up. His gaze lingered on yours a beat longer, the intensity of it taking your breath away. You were the absolute center of his attention and he was relishing every bit of you. He was known to drive you crazy, but this was on a whole new level. There was something more intimate, more sensual about this that made you feel even more vulnerable in his presence.

His kisses traveled your thighs next, moving dangerously close to the area you were wanting him most. Just when you thought his next movement would be his mouth on your core, he would move in the opposite direction, much to your dismay. 

Back again he went, mouth moving in the right direction and-

“Oh my god,” you moaned, not even able to finish your previous thought.

The sly devil had distracted you just enough so that you weren’t expecting when his finger slid inside you, rubbing against you deliciously. If you thought that was mind-blowing enough, you almost lost your shit when his tongue met your clit before sucking gently.

You weren’t entirely sure if it was because it had been a long, long time since you’d had any sexual escapades or if it was just Spencer in general, but all coherent thought left your mind the longer he worked you.

Your hand grips his hair, your breath coming in rapid pants signaling your oncoming release.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck Spencer!” you half gasped, half moaned as your climax hit you, robbing you of your breath for a few seconds.

When you opened your eyes again, he was hovering over you, a small smirk on his face.

“You didn’t have to do that,” you chuckled.

He hummed, “I’m not done yet sweetheart.”

Sometime during your current shared kiss, his boxers were removed and he pushed into you. He moaned into your mouth, his tongue twirling with yours. 

His tantalizing movements made you able to feel every bit of him as he moved in and out of you repeatedly. Your earlier wish was granted as now your bodies were pressed against one another, moving as one.

“Feels incr-” he groaned mid-sentence.

“Incredible,” he breathed.

You couldn’t argue that. Somehow all the other times didn’t hold a candle to right now. 

Your hands gripped his biceps, giving in and begging him to pick up his pace. His hands hooked behind your thighs pulling you closer at the exact moment as a thrust of his hips causing you both to moan. His forehead fell against yours as your hips rocked to the new rhythm.

“You okay?” he whispered, watching you.

“God, yes,” you half laughed, half moaned.

His hands hadn’t stayed still the entire time, moving from one place to another, his touch gentle as if he were touching fine china. Whether they were stroking your hips, splayed across your stomach or resting on the side of your neck as he kissed you deeply your whole body automatically responded to his touch without you realizing it. 

Fire filled your veins and your body easily arched into his, more than ready to let that fire consume your senses. Your body inadvertently clenched around him and a growl came from deep within his throat, his teeth scraping over his bottom lip.

You’d often seen his face of concentration, the creased brow and the tip of his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth. That was the same expression he wore now, determined to shatter you for a second time. You couldn’t even begin to process how the hell it was adorable and sexy at the same time. 

The two of your movements become more hurried and erratic, the air hot with pants and moans. His fingers dig into your sides as his orgasm hit him.

“Oh god I love you,” Spencer moans into your neck as he succumbs to his high, your name falling from his lips.

Your breathing is suddenly heavier and not solely because of your own building climax, but because of his words. You don’t have a moment nor a clear head to think about what was just said as you’re a whimpering and writhing mess underneath him, the heavy knot in your stomach coiling tighter and tighter. You feel yourself coming apart at the seams, as if all your nerve endings are ready to burst into oblivion.

Spencer knows you well because within a short time of his own release he sends you falling into an abyss of ecstasy, caressing you and kissing you anywhere and everywhere he can, the entire time. You’re pretty sure it takes you a few minutes to breathe properly again.

Afterwards, he gently nudges your cheek with his nose and you turn to face him, kissing him softly once again. You can’t possibly wrap your head around what had just happened. It wasn’t normal sex like you used to have with him. This was tender, passionate, but hot. Probably the hottest you’d had. Then you remembered what he’d said.

Was it sincere or was it just in the heat of the moment?

•

Both of you lay quietly for a while; so long you’re almost sure that Spencer fell asleep.

“I have to tell you something,” you finally said, halfway hoping he was already asleep.

“Hmm?” he asked, looking over at you. 

“Before I tell you, I just want you to know that I appreciate what you did for me and Abbie even though I didn’t show it at the time. I’m grateful that you told me all you did earlier and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I don’t know what I’d have done if-”

“Y/N, you’re rambling,” he chuckled, aware he’s guilty of the same thing at times too.

“Right. Well, I wanted to tell you I love you. Actually, I’m in love with you. I had to tell you because I just realized that I can’t deny it anymore and even though you probably don’t feel the same way, you deserve to know.”

He’d been watching you intently the entire time you’d been speaking. He licked his lips before responding.

“I meant it, you know.”

You looked over as he rolled over on his side and rested his head in his hand. You were confused as that wasn’t the immediate reaction you’d expected.

“Meant what?”

“That I love you. I saw your face when I said it.”

“My face?”

“Y/N, I’m not a profiler for nothing. You were freaking out because I said it.”

“Yes, but not for the reason you think.”

“Then why?” he asked.

“I didn’t know if you actually meant it or if it was just you know, the sex making you talk.”

“Well, I did mean it. I’ve been in love with you for a while, you know.”

You laugh incredulously, unable to believe that all this time he’d actually felt the same way as you.

“You have? Since when?”

“I’m not sure when exactly. It just kinda hit me one day that you were the one person I couldn’t get off my mind, the one who knows me better than most. I just didn’t know how or if to say it. It kind of slipped out accidentally earlier.”

“I just assumed it was because of the sex,” you chuckled.

“Oh believe me, the sex will definitely make me say it as well. Repeatedly.”

His lips twisted into a smirk as his hand glides over your stomach, pulling you close for a kiss.

“I love you.” He paused for a kiss.

“I love you,” Another kiss followed.

“I love you.” A third.

He retreated, laying back next to you.

“I can’t thank you for all that you’ve done for me these last few months. I wouldn’t have been able to get better without you by my side.”

You smiled, happy to see some of the old Spencer you knew and loved peeking through once again. Prison may have changed him, but he was still Spencer in all the ways that mattered.

“So what does this mean for us then?” you asked, watching his fingers glide lazily over your skin.

“I mean we’ve sort of been a couple for nearly 2 years now, so now it’s just us finally being smart and admitting it,” he smiled, “But if you want me to be official, I want you to be mine. My only girl. Well, besides Abbie. Can’t forget her.”

“No, definitely can’t forget her.”

“I want to be a family. If that’s okay with you, that is.” He added the last part hesitantly.

You put your hand over his, stopping his motions then twining your fingers with his.

“That’s more than okay with me,” you smiled up at him.

Maybe good things had come from all the bad.

You lay in a comfortable silence after that, simply enjoying each other’s company. It was Spencer who spoke next.

“You know what got me through the long days in prison?” he asked.

You shook your head, “No, what?”

“I thought about Abbie a lot of course. I had faith I would see her again. Also, I had faith in the BAU, I knew the team would do their jobs and work their asses off to get me out of there. But that’s not all.”

“At the end of the day, after all my misfortune, I knew faith would lead me back to my family.”

Tags: @wefracturedmotivation @rt8815 @pastanest

[trenchcas]

episode origins p1

i was watching moriah earlier today and was wondering what the significance of the name moriah was, so i searched it up. i’ll explain it here in this. i wanted to learn which episodes have titles derived from pop culture, literature, etc. so i put together this list. it’s not complete, feel free to reblog with more!

why did i waste hours on my life on this, you ask? i don’t know. 

season 1

pilot: obviously, all the first episodes of shows are called pilots. nothing new here.

wendigo: they’re fighting a wendigo

dead in the water: the phrase means “unable to function, move”.

phantom traveler: the name of the demon they’re fighting

bloody mary: based off the legend

skin: shapeshifters, also there might be a meta about how it’s a metaphor for dean

hook man: they’re fighting a hook man

bugs: bugs

home: they go home

asylum: they go to an asylum

scarecrow: scarecrow

faith: the concept of god first comes into play here, i thought that was pretty interesting. that’s why it’s called faith, duh. dean + faith is explored.

route 666: racist truck yes

nightmare: sam’s visions

the benders: i think it’s based off of the bloody benders, a family of serial killers

shadow: meg’s stalkery?

hell house: it was literally a hell house

something wicked: originally chanted by WITCHES in shakespeare’s macbeth. the full line is “something wicked this way comes, open locks, whoever knocks”. obviously the shtriga is a witch and it refers to that.

provenance: painting provenances, it’s in the episode

dead man’s blood: they use dead man’s blood

salvation: being saved or protected, like the boys and john do with the family

devil’s trap: the devil gets them in a trap. and they built a giant devil’s trap too.

season two

in my time of dying: based off of the led zeppelin song [x]

everybody loves a clown: based off of the gary lewis song [x]

bloodlust: i think it’s for the vampires but they were also a band in the 90′s

children shouldn’t play with dead things: based off of the 1972 movie

simon said: the whole “you do what i say” thing with andy and evil andy

no exit: it’s a song by blondie and in the episode h.h. holmes captures blondes...? am i just clowning

the usual suspects: based off of the 1995 movie

crossroad blues: based off of the robert johnson song (fave!) [x]

croatoan: i like this one. okay, so you guys probably know about the whole roanoke/croatoan thing in the 1600′s. so there’s a theory that the settlers were wiped out by a disease (similar to this town). also, the town would disappear off of the map.

hunted: gordon hunted sam

playthings: dolls, but the little girl was the grandma’s sisters plaything

nightshifter: a shifter in the night

houses of the holy: based off of the led zeppelin song and album [x]

born under a bad sign: based off of this song [x] there are a bunch of others including jimi hendrix but...?

tall tales: yeah i think this one is self explanatory

roadkill: someone got killed on the road

heart: werewolf heart but also how sam gave his heart to madison aww also there’s a band called heart

hollywood babylon: based off of the book by the same name

folsom prison blues: based off of the johnny cash song!! [x]

what is and what should never be: based off of the led zeppelin song [x]

all hell breaks loose: yes it did

season three

the magnificent seven: based off of the pretty famous western go watch

the kids are alright: based off of the who song [x]

bad day at black rock: based off of the 1955 movie

sin city: there’s a bunch of songs but the city was sinning so

bedtime stories: they were bedtime stories

red sky at morning: the full phrase is “red sky at morning, sailors take warning”. with the theme of this ep it fits pretty well.

fresh blood: fresh blood yes

a very supernatural christmas: i’m not sure. i think it’s based off of a christmas album?

malleus maleficarum: a 1400′s book of witches. latin for “hammer of the witches”.

dream a little dream of me: i love this song! based off this: [x]

mystery spot: mystery spot

jus in bello: i can’t really explain it but here [x]

ghostfacers: g h o s t f a c e r s

long-distance call: long distance call

time is on my side: based off of the rolling stones song [x]

no rest for the wicked: a biblical quote that means “evildoers will face eternal punishment”. also, “one’s work never ceases”.

season four

lazarus rising: in the bible, lazarus is the righteous man, which makes dean the righteous man. and he rises. so. 

are you there, god? it’s me, dean winchester: based off of the judy blume book (maybe?), are you there, god? it’s me, margaret.

in the beginning: they go back in time

metamorphosis: with the rugaru but also sammeh

monster movie: monsters and movies

yellow fever: referring to the disease i think, but also there are a few songs

it’s the great pumpkin, sam winchester: based off of it’s the great pumpkin, charlie brown.

wishful thinking: yeah

i know what you did last summer: dean + hell, sam + ruby. is it based off of the shawn mendes song? i don’t think it is because this came out way before the song.

heaven and hell: opposite sides meet, dean’s hell experiences.

family remains: there are remains

criss angel is a douche bag: idk?

after school special: based off of the abc program? i think?

sex and violence: there was a lot of sex. and violence.

death takes a holiday: death took a holiday

on the head of a pin: i’m not sure but this article is interesting, maybe related. probably related. [x]

it’s a terrible life: based off of it’s a wonderful life? i love that movie btw

the monster at the end of this book: ughhh! yes!!! first of all there’s a sesame street book by the same title. also, chuck actually was the monster at the end of the book! that’s crazy. insane. 

jump the shark: “(of a television series or movie) reach a point at which far-fetched events are included merely for the sake of novelty, indicative of a decline in quality.“ probably the whole long lost brother thing.

the rapture: a belief that christians will rise to “meet the lord in the air”. kinda like jimmy does.

when the levee breaks: based off of the led zeppelin song [x]

lucifer rising: lucifer rose

season five

sympathy for the devil: based off of the rolling stones song [x]

good god, y’all!: cas goes to find god

free to be you and me: a marlo thomas album and the brothers split up

the end: yeah it’s the end

fallen idols: i think we get it

i believe the children are our future: a lyric from a whitney houston song

the curious case of dean winchester: based off of the short story, the curious case of benjamin button.

changing channels: channels were changed. the end.

the real ghostbusters: based on the 1985 animation

abandon all hope: the full phrase is “abandon all hope, ye who enter here” and that pretty much sums up this episode.

sam, interrupted: i’m not sure?

swap meat: meats were SWAPPED.

the song remains the same: based off of the led zeppelin song [x]

my bloody valentine: based on jensen’s movie. but also the band?

dead men don’t wear plaid: based on the 1982 movie

dark side of the moon: a pink floyd album

99 problems: that one jayz song whatever

point of no return: a 1993 movie but also the poto song hehe

hammer of the gods: based off of the 1985 book i think? it’s about led zeppelin so probably yeah.

the devil you know: means that it’s better to deal with a situation you understand than one you don’t.

two minutes to midnight: this phrase is commonly used as a countdown to a global catastrophe (i.e. the fucking apocalypse)

swan song: someone’s final performance before retirement (i think this is about both brothers because it’s sam last battle and dean’s last fight before living with lisa)

season six

exile on main st.: based off of the rolling stones album [x]

two and a half men: it was a sitcom? but idk if that’s where it’s from

the third man: based off of the 1949 noir thriller? maybe? but there were also three men so idrk

weekend at bobby’s: it was a weekend at bobbys

live free or twi-hard: based off of twilight and that bruce willis movie that i watched once way back when

you can’t handle the truth: truth goddess. soulless sam gets exposed ig

family matters: based off of the 1989 sitcom? maybe

all dogs go to heaven: based off of the 1989 movie? probably

clap your hands if you believe: i think this is an original title idk

caged heat: based off of the 1974 movie i think

appointment in samarra: probably based off of the 1934 novel of the same name

like a virgin: based off of the madonna song [x]

unforgiven: sam does unforgiven things

mannequin 3: the reckoning: not sure

the french mistake: just... just read this link [x]

and then there were none: based off of the agatha christie novel of the same name

my heart will go on: y’all all know what’s up [x]

frontierland: they went to yeehaw town

mommy dearest: based on the 1981 film? maybe?

the man who would be king: based off of the 1888 novel by rudyard kipling

let it bleed: based off of the rolling stones album/song [x]

the man who knew too much: shares a name with the 1956 film

season seven

meet the new boss: they met the new boss idk

hello, cruel world: sad sam

the girl next door: there’s a 2004 romcom with the same name

defending your life: a 1991 romcom! wow!

shut up, dr. phil: sam and dean became philanthropists idk

slash fiction: hahahahaha i think we know what it means but wHY is it called that?

the mentalists: they met a bunch of magic people wow!

season 7, time for a wedding!: more like season 7, time for a slightly r*pey episode and GARTH!

how to win friends and influence monsters: based off of the 1936 book how to win friends and influence people

death’s door: they were at death’s door idk

adventures in babysitting: based off of the 1987 movie by the same name

time after time after time: based off of the cyndi lauper song? [x]

the slice girls: prolly based off of the spice girls idk

plucky pennywhistle’s magic menagerie: yeah idk

repo man: it’s a 1984 film too

out with the old: they were fucking around with antiques

the born-again identity: obviously based off of the bourne identity which i haven’t seen in forever

party on, garth: hahaha

of grave importance: it was very important

the girl with the dungeons and dragons tattoo: probably based off of the movie/book the girl with the dragon tattoo. 

reading is fundamental: reading is fundamental. go read a book.

there will be blood: there was blood

survival of the fittest: everybody fought idk

okay i’m gonna stop here for this one because i’m tired asf and i’ll do part 2 later 

[angrylizardjacket]

Run to Paradise {Nikki Sixx} Part 24

24. thus is winged cupid painted blind

Summary: Mick calls Lola out, which is not good. Roxie stabs Tommy, which is much worse.

Warnings: high impact swearing & (non-explicit) stabbing with a pen

ragtag bunch of misfits: @starlalove @toofasttofallinlove  @xrosegoldwolfx @obsessivesky  @trpwthme @lovehelpmewrite @angelicjoonie23  @marvelismylifffe  @lilytalebi @glitterdreamsz  @freddiessmallnipples @crazysaladchopshop @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies @dramatique-moi @missqueeniewrites @calspixie  @aryssav @catsoo12  @sweetshutter @silvertonguedserpent  @shamelessobsessions @lavenderbones22  @keepcalm-and-beyou @scarecrowmax  @nicholeh7 @unknownoblivion

{masterlist}

After getting back from brunch, getting back to the tour bus, Tommy's acting... weird. Of course Lola knows why, her smile sharp as knives at Roxie's distrustful glare the next day. If she was feeling particularly petty, she might have feigned sweetness, pretending to make amends for the months of mistrust, but she is content enough in her good mood to not make Tommy squirm with discomfort too much, since he's doing plenty of that on his own.

Roxie's stuck on him like a magnet, when they're on the bus, ignoring the rest of the band, acting sweet and kind and completely too-faced.

"Babe, where were you last night?" She pleads, practically curled up on him as they sit at the back of the bus. Everyone can hear them, can hear Roxie's fake worry, and Lola rolls her eyes, carefully pulling a baggie and razor from her pocket to start cutting up lines of coke on the table beside Nikki.

"Fell asleep in a gutter somewhere," Tommy snorts, wrapping an arm around her, sounding as calm and casual as he ever did. "Woke up to some junkies tryna'..." he trails off, spots Lola wearing a secretive little smile, talking quietly with Nikki at the front of the bus. She looks... happy. Happier than she has all tour. Tommy clears his throat, turning his smile up to a billion watts when he directs it at Roxie, "tryna' rob me, but it's all cool." He lies, "it all worked out."

And Roxie makes like she's worried, makes a show of cooing over him, and seems happy enough to snuggle with him for the moment, to take comfort in his without his mother around, with Lola keeping her distance. With Roxie wrapped in his arms, he can feel the sting of the nail marks Lola's left down his back. At the front of the bus, Nikki asks her what she'd gotten up to last night, and she doesn't even glance at Tommy as her smile widens, tells him that he doesn't wanna know.

"That's my girl," Nikki's sharp grin mirrors her, and he punches her in the shoulder lightly before going in for a line. Mick groans and takes a sip of his vodka.

Lola seems to be settling down again; she still drinks and snorts and fucks along with the rest of them, but she doesn't go out looking for a fight. She and Tommy don't really speak that often, but something's changed between them, even a blind man could see it, and it agitates Roxie more as each day goes on.

"You two are not nearly as subtle as you think you are," Mick tells Lola when she's delivering him his booze before a show. Lola's answering smile doesn't quiet reach her eyes.

"Me and who? You know I'm not good at subtle," but she still takes the makeup brush from him when he offers it, a silent question that he already knows the answer to. She dips the brush into the loose, dark powder and starts patting it just beneath his cheekbones.

"It's not healthy -"

"Don't talk to me about healthy, you old geezer," though her tone is teasing, there's a hint of warning in it. She starts blending out the black contour near his jaw. Mick is obediently quiet as she does his cheeks, his mouth opening as she begins applying his eyeshadow without needing to be prompted.

"To stake all your happiness on one person, and have it be our idiot drummer of all people, is fuckin' stupid."

They let the statement hang in the silence; Mick's eyes are still closed, but Lola's paused in her movements.

"I don't think you're stupid," he adds gently, and Lola leans back, sitting back against the mirror, her ankles crossed and makeup still in hand. She makes a half-amused, mostly disbelieving sound, and Mick, as a show of good humour, smiles a little, "I don't think you're that stupid." He amends, which gets Lola to laugh.

"You're an asshole," it's fond, as is the smile on her face. But then her expression, her shoulders, and the moment, drop. Moving off the counter top, she gestures for Mick to close his eyes again so she could finish, and her expression is hard. "But I don't know what you mean; sure I'm loyal to the band, but Tommy's happily engaged, we haven't -"

"Oh girlie, I'm sick of your bullshit, you know?" He finally snaps, "you're not loyal, you're just selfish; I've seen it happen with Vince, I've seen it happen with Tommy, and if Nikki ever falls in love, I'm sure you'll get yourself a hattrick, girlie." It's more honest, more spiteful than he intends it to be, and Lola's paused with the brush pressing against his closed eyelid. But he won't apologise.

The words sting so much worse than she's willing to let on.

There's so many things she wants to tell him, to scream at him, to throw, instead, what she says is;

"It's not fucking selfish to want to protect the people we love." It comes as a hiss, and the brush is moved from his eye. He hears her throws it down to the counter, hears her step away, but doesn't hear her leave. His eyes open, and she's a few feet away, haloed by the shitty, florescent bulb above; she's got her arms crossed, scowling at him. "Roxie is using him."

"Says who-"

"Says fucking everyone; says the fact that she fucked Nikki while she knew Tommy's parents were in town, says the fact that she's always demanding and demanding and demanding and even fucking Vince is sick of her, says the fact that Tommy still loves me-" and her eyes go wide, like she hadn't quite meant to let that slip, but it's out there nonetheless, and Mick sees the way her hands shake before she folds her arms again, defiant and furious. "Go be someone else's consciousness, Jiminy-Cricket-acting prick."

It's like several consecutive gut punches as everything she's saying, everything she's implying dawns on him, but she just seems to get more riled up in his silence. He'd never thought of her as someone who'd be a fan of Disney, in any capacity; the idea that Lola, who he'd always known as young, was also once actually small, fragile, and a fan of cartoons? It's almost painful to think.

"I may have made myself judge, jury, and executioner, but I will never stand in the way of what makes them truly happy," she spits, leaning over to look Mick in the eyes, "and if this band breaks up because of me, it's not because I fucked over one of my boys," she sneered, "it's because I gouged your fucking eyes out."

So now she's not on speaking terms with Mick, which Nikki thinks is hilarious, Doc thinks is a pain, and Vince and Tommy are pretty ambivalent about.

Roxie doesn't care; the sweet mask she'd been wearing since meeting his parents had been cracking as each day passed. She'd been dwelling, angry and mistrustful and insecure; she'd seen Tommy and Lola talking quietly together before a show, seen them share a smile, a laugh, a cigarette, and something about it made her skin crawl.

The problem was never that she and Lola were too different, the problem was that Roxie had always been aware that she and Lola, for all they hated each other, were different versions of the same person. They lie and steal and cheat their way through life, hot and sharp and mean, but Lola was here first. If Roxie had been here first, she knows she would have been just as territorial; Lola's found herself in the middle of a very good thing, she doesn't do well with interlopers, as Roxie may be, but Roxie is anything if not ambitious.

It had been going well enough, to keep Tommy to herself, Lola unwittingly helping her in the beginning, but now with Tommy's parents, with whatever's up with him and Lola, it had gotten under Roxie's skin. If she was being honest, she didn't exactly trust Tommy around other women, but he at least tried to be faithful, but Lola, she knew exactly how to play on Tommy's heartstrings, and absolutely would, if given half a chance.

So maybe sleeping with Nikki was deliberate, was spiteful, because Tommy had once drunkenly, and a little forlornly, made mention of how Lola 'was head over heels for Nikki' and that she sort of always has been. She saw the look in Lola's eyes when she came out of Nikki's dressing room, and in that one moment, it was worth it.

But it had ended up pushing Lola and Tommy back together, and Roxie wasn't stupid.

She was just sick and tired of feeling like a second-rate version of Lola.

Like she was a consolidation prize, just a version that Tommy didn't have to share. But Tommy was rich and stupid, and Roxie was ambitious, and thinks that if Lola could get him to love her, then Roxie would be able to too.

But even his parents could see it, and they'd barely met!

Why did Tommy have to call her his fiance? He should have at least made sure his parents liked her before telling them that she would be family. But fuck, it must run in the family; his mother's comment had stuck with her, had kept playing in her head.

"Like Lola."

"Your mom's a cunt." The words, deliberate and precise, come from Roxie one afternoon barely a week later, sore from being stuck on the tour bus all day, in her head about everything that's been going on, while Tommy had been waxing poetic to Nikki about a drum setup he'd seen in his dreams.

He'd just turned to ask her for a pen to draw up his ideas after ignoring her for most of the day, and yeah she's got a pen, buried somewhere in the bottom of her bag, so she gets it for him, but tells him exactly what she's thinking, playing with the pen. Of course, to no surprise, it riles up Tommy.

"What? Why would you say that?" But his attention is finally on her, and she'd take a fight over being ignored.

"Because she is," Roxie tells him, deliberate, like talking to a child, "she's a cunt."

"Quit it," Tommy warned, "give me the pen, alright?" After a beat, he makes a face when she doesn't even make a move to.

"I don't even know why you told them," Roxie continues, voice raising, catching the attention of the others, who had been trying their best not to watch the inevitable argument began to unfold. "It's not like she has anything to do with us getting married."

"Baby," Tommy tried to calm her down, turning back around, "it's sweet, it's tradition."

"Which tradition?" Roxie snarled, "The mandatory meeting of the cunt?!" Storming up to him, her lip curled in anger, she could feel the plastic pen in her iron grip.

"Don't call her that again, you hear me?" Tommy demanded, voice low and dangerous, standing, matching her toe to toe and towering over her, eyes blazing with a fury, trying to put her in her place.

After a moment, he seems satisfied that she won't try anything, and goes to sit back down, still crackling with an irritated energy, but Roxie seems to feed off of it, stabbing the pen into his back when he goes back to paying attention to anything but her.

"Here's your pen!" She spat, and the bus seems to light up around them. Tommy's flinching away, surprise and slight fear in his eyes, while Nikki looks on, concerned, but hazily high.

"Ow! What the fuck is wrong with you?" He gasps, looking up at her, pain radiating across his shoulder and back.

"Fuck you!" Roxie spits, as she feels someone trying to catch her hands; spinning, she sees it's Lola, wearing a stony expression, watching with fury written all over her face, "fuck you too!" Roxie continues, shoving Lola hard, sending the girl stumbling back before she turns back to Tommy, "and fuck your mother!"

"That's it, this fucking bitch is out of here!" Tommy shouted, hollering for the driver to pull over. He drags Roxie down the aisle, with everyone watching in shock. Lola looks murderous. "Get the fuck off my bus! Get the fuck out!"

Roxie won't back down, not here, not now; she shoves Tommy too, and it feels like a slap in the face when Lola catches him before he hits the table.

"You're such a spoiled little mama's boy," Roxie snarls, "'cause you wanna crawl back inside her cunt -"

Tommy punches her.

There's regret on his face the moments after is happens, breathless, watching as she wipes the blood from her split lip, shock and hurt written all over her. It's like he can't even believe what he's done.

"I told you not to say that," is what comes out of his mouth, breathless, a little frantic, before racing to the back of the bus, escaping to the only place he could. Everyone else looks shocked, like they can't believe her, like they can't believe him, like this whole situation is fucked. Except Lola. Stone cold and dead silent, she gives Roxie the single most withering look the other woman had ever received in her life.

"Stop the bus." Lola orders, her gaze flicking to the others in turn. Her gaze lingers on Mick, who won't look at her. Finally, she looks back at Roxie. "Get your shit," her voice is still level, terrifyingly so, "and get the fuck off the bus."

"We are in the middle of nowhere." Roxie tried, but there's a tremble in her voice, her hands shake a little, finally coming to terms with what had happened, what she and Tommy had both done.

"Get off this bus, or I will kill you."

With that, she turns, and all eyes are on her as she opens one of the cupboards, pulls out the medical kit, and follows Tommy to the back of the bus. She slams the sliding door closed.

Lola seems to be angry almost by default, loud voice, gnashing teeth, bloody knuckles, violent and ill-tempered, she was a fighter through and through. This is the first time any of them had seen her truly, and terrifyingly, furious. They'd always joked about her being the muscle of the group, but this is the first time they'd truly realised what that could mean; what she was willing to do for them.

"This is crazy, you know he's in love with her, right?" Roxie sat on one of the chairs by the front, tears pricking her eyes as the adrenaline starts to leave her system and her legs become too weak to keep her standing. Her words are a Hail Mary pass as she turns on Nikki, trying to drive a wedge before the bus pulled over and the good thing she had going comes to an abrupt end.

"We all are, dude," he admits easily, high as hell where everyone else is still on edge, but his smile is blurry, "if you figured that out, why are you still here?"

In the back, Tommy's got his head in his hands, sitting on one of the beds when Lola finds him. Looking up, fear and regret in his red-rimmed eyes, he heaves a shaky sigh seeing it was Lola. No words pass between them; she's still radiating that dark, protective energy, and Tommy's aghast at his own actions. She opens the medical kit, pauses, and reaches beneath one of the beds for a bottle of booze, setting it down in his lap.

Her hands are gentle as she pulls the pen from his back, and he winces and grunts quietly in pain as she does. The bus stops, and there's the sound of Roxie's heels angrily stomping around the bus, and quiet, furious talking. Lola keeps working, unscrews the bottle where it still sits in Tommy's lap, and directs him to drink some. After he takes a swig, she lifts his shirt, prompts him to take it off, he does, and blood begins to trail from the wound down the smooth plane of his back. Their medical equipment is woefully understocked.

Outside, Roxie is shouting. The engine is still running.

Lola wipes away the blood as best she can, patting the wound with antiseptic ointment which makes Tommy swear under his breath. He's drunk a quarter of the bottle by the time she's dressing the wound, and the bus has started up again. Vince and Nikki are talking in the main cabin, but they don't sound particularly somber.

"Don't say 'I told you so'." Tommy's voice is very small, speaking when he hears the lid of the medical kit close. Lola pauses.

Gently, slowly, she runs her fingertips down his spine. His head is still in his hands, and he hasn't made a move, but Lola sits behind him, her legs crossed, as close as she can, and she rests her forehead on his back, a quiet moment of solidarity. Now is not the time to be petty, or cruel.

"I'm sorry this is how it went down." And she means it, with her whole heart she means it. "I'm sorry you got stabbed." She wants to say I'm sorry I didn't stop her / didn't hold her back / didn't take the hit, but the words are stuck on her tongue. Tommy's breathing is shaky.

"I can't... can't believe I..." and he can't vocalise it, just looks down at his hands in abstract horror. Lola's quiet, reaching forward, she gently takes one of his hands in hers, lacing their fingers together.

"She did... stab you." Lola says flatly, and Tommy hums in quiet agreement; "you... she said some awful things about your mother; being protective sometimes means you'll do terrible things for the people you love," she murmurs, eyes closed. He gives her hand a squeeze, and heaves a sigh. They stay like that for a long while, and slowly, Lola feels the rise and fall of his chest become steadier with time.

[sirsharp-a]

Do As He Says. ❜

Summary:  Never be afraid again.  Recall that you can make even God quiver. Warnings:  None. Parts:  Part 1  |  Part 2  |  Part 3  |  Part 4  |  Part 5 ( here! )

                                                         _____   【 🞮 】   _____

    The words hung heavily in the air for what felt like eons.

    Maybe I misjudged this entire thing.  Maybe I was about to do something reckless.  No matter how much chaos the rogue hybrid had caused, did he really deserve to die for it?  And more importantly, even if he did deserve death, did an innocent woman like Grace Adler deserve the same?  She’d already made it clear that she was willing to follow him if he vanished.  The deity wasn’t used to feeling this unsure…  but he knew that such purposeful violence went against his moral code.  He certainly wouldn’t have entertained the idea of it had he not thought it was necessary.

    “What…?”   Grace asked softly, as if holding her breath, blue eyes shimmering with tears. They made the God feel ashamed.  How could he cause her such pain?  Sure, he had his reasons--  good ones at that--  but now that he was looking at her and not the source of his frustration, he couldn’t quite believe how overzealous he had become.

    Killing Edgar…  yes, undeniably, it would solve problems, but it’s wrong.     Inhumane, even in spite of all he’s done.    And this poor lady…     how     could I frighten her so?

                                       “It feels like  YOU  don’t see the big picture.”

    Perhaps I don’t.

    “... the things you said moved me,”   Raku admitted, form now tiny and timid.   “Something must be done, Grace, but perhaps I…  made a mistake.  I was…  under the impression that nobody would notice.  It seems that Edgar means a lot to you.”

   “I love him,”   she said through clenched teeth, her hands curled tight in the lapels of his jacket.   “Y-You’re God…  why else would I do all I could to oppose you if not for that?”

   She was far from foolish.  She knew that Edgar had been reanimated as a lye for  some reason  -  and that whatever the reason was, it wasn’t a good one  -  but she didn’t care. Whatever he had done back then, in his past life, didn’t concern her.  She hadn’t even been alive then.  His sins had not touched her.  Regardless of what lurked beneath his surface, she was quite certain that her opinion of him would not change.

   Shakily, she raised a hand to wipe at her eyes, trying to find refuge in the gentle grip on her waist.  Meekly:   “... what else can you do?”

    The God shuffled on his feet momentarily, thinking it through.  There are things I can do.  I cannot change the course of the universe, but I can work around it.  But does this creature deserve it, truly...?  Is my pity for her clouding my judgement?

    "Edgar is currently living on a borrowed clock.  Taking him off of said clock is the way to fix the imbalance.  Death, unfortunately, is the most logical answer.  But sustained life…  that is also an option."

    "S… Sustained…?"     "Mm.  Immortality.  That would have similar effects to death."

    "B-But…  how?  That doesn't make sense.  Those options are opposites.  And we...  we're already immortal."

    Raku shook his head gently.   "You are circumstantially ageless.  If a hunter comes along with a gun and shoots you, you die.  Why else do you not want wars to break out? Because lyes fight to the death.  People die.  Your people die."

    She hesitated slightly, then nodded in understanding.  He was right.  It was precisely the reason that even somebody as loose a canon as  Edgar  retreated when dangerous weapons entered the picture;  they could kill him.  At any point, just like anybody else, he could die.

    "Making it so that Edgar is unable to die renders the concept of time obsolete.  A life without end cannot be finished, therefore his pre-determined purpose as a hybrid no longer applies. It is a loophole, at best, but it will technically work.  It is more a burden on the conscience than it is on the universe."

    Fuck your conscience, Edgar thought bitterly to himself.  He was too smart to say anything, knew all too well that he was walking a thin line between life and death.  If he chose to speak now, it could wind up costing him dearly.  He had had enough shame for one night, being forced to his knees like a subservient dog, faced with the knowledge that he would die alone and unknown.  At this point, he'd do anything to escape such a cold fate.

    "But I must warn you, Grace…"   Raku began, tone ice-cold and serious.   "It is a very dangerous concept.  He may escape death but he will never escape pain.  And you…  you will remain as you are.  If you die, he is destined to continue alone.  He cannot follow you."   The explanation was grave, as dreary as rainfall at a funeral, and he fumbled none with his words as he did with his fingers.  Floating gently:   "Immortality is often used as a punishment too, you know.  The absence of an end is sometimes enough to drive somebody insane.  How did Valor put it… 'the journey to death is the point of our being'?  Not having a reprieve from the burdens of life can be far more incapacitating than--"

    "Stop,"   Grace interjected firmly.  Her nails were digging into her arms, body trembling lightly. After a few seconds of tense silence:   "Please, I know that you're … trying to be honest with me, and to help, but…  I don't care about any of that.  At least this way, there's a chance for us to be happy.  There's a chance for things to remain stable, better for everybody."   She hesitated briefly before finishing her thoughts.   "... I can help carry his burdens.  I can’t do anything for a dead man.

    The deity stared for a few seconds, then nodded in understanding.   Her love for him is crystal-clear.  It would be insane to look at her and see anything else.  She would do anything to stay with him, and she would walk to the ends of the realm to salvage what she thinks she has with him.

    Is that what your past wives thought of you too?                That you were a good man? Did they not ‘deserve’ it?

    Perhaps a sadness you cannot escape is a more fitting punishment after all.                 When your guilt catches up with you, there will be nothing you can do.

    Though he didn't comment on it, he made a vow to watch over them closely.  He could only do so much to intervene-- he couldn't control anybody's will, nor could he meddle with affairs that did not concern him--  but he'd make it a point to watch them from the shadows sometimes. There was no way he was granting Edgar a reprieve from the grave without making sure that the one who had appealed for it was safe.  If anything, this proved Grace's formidable character to him and little else.

    “... very well.”   He watched the pair observe him as he ascended a short ways into the air, short form glowing the same ghostly white that his weapon had before Grace had forced it back into its metaphorical sheath.   “I do not like to kill.  I want that to be clear.  I would only ever bet on death if I thought there was no other way.”   His eyes turned to Grace, head gesturing to the space beside her.   “Please step aside.”

    The scout was clearly reluctant to leave Edgar’s side.  For several seconds, she remained clinging to him, eyeing the deity with evident distrust.  Though she didn’t want to complicate the situation further, she was hesitant to place faith in a creature that had been so bent on killing her lover just minutes before.  Just because she seemed to have gotten through to him didn’t mean that he wasn’t trying to appease her--  to get her out of the way so that he could finish the brutal deed--

    “Grace,”   Edgar uttered softly, earning her attention quickly.  He could see it in her face… that  frazzled fear;  her attempt to look strong, even though she looked broken.  I hate that look for you.  I want you together.  I want you to be you.  His hand touched her shoulder tentatively.   “... do it.  Do as he says.  I want to stay with you.”

    “... I--”

    “It’s alright,”   he insisted, a meek smile shaping his lips.   “It’s alright.”

    Somewhat pacified, she did as she was told.  Watching with mounting anxiety as a pale light began to surround the God once more, she fell a little further back, valuing her safety.  He wouldn’t kill Eddie now, she told herself firmly, he wouldn’t.  A strange incantation reached her ears, though she knew not of the words spoken.  A different language, a tongue she could never imagine nor understand, like age-old Latin that had been rendered long dead.

    For just a brief moment, her world flashed a piercing white, pain exploding behind her eyes. Her arms shielded her gaze, a quiet whimper leaving her without much thought.  When she opened them again, she looked for him, searching desperately for his outline in the fading static, eyes still adjusting to the light

                                                                                                    Edgar was gone.

    Evidently confused, heart constricting painfully as the empty space registered in her brain, she looked up at Raku with a helpless sort of desperation, eyes wide and heartbroken.   “... where is he?”   It was asked softly, as if he she hardly dared to utter it at all.  When Raku looked down at her, it was with a hooded gaze.

                                                          You didn’t.  You didn’t.  You WOULDN’T...!

    It felt as if all the strength she once possessed had left her, arms floppy, knees glued to the ground, eyes wet--

                                                                                      “ ... where’s my Eddie?”

[choices-binglebonkus]

Opinion post: best and worst LI’s from each series

I was pretty bored, decided I’d make a list of who I think are the best and worst LI’s in each series and why.  If you’ve got some time to spare, please be sure to post your opinions too, I’m rather curious as to see how the fandom thinks.

Note: Since Nathan and Paolo are antagonists/pseudo-love interests, and you CANNOT end the game in a relationship with them, I’m not going to be counting them on this list.

The Freshman/Sophomore/Junior/Senior

Best: Honestly? All of the love interests were a little bland for my tastes in this series, but if I had to pick one, it would be Becca.  She started out as a spoiled bully from a rich family and ended the series a humbler, kinder woman who learned to work for what she want, respect those around her, and she even got into the law school of her dreams.  Now that’s dedication!

Worst: Without a doubt, I think Kaitlyn Liao is the worst love interest in this series.  When the series started out, I actually thought she was great.  I didn’t want to romance her (or anyone else but I had to *eyeroll*) but she was my best friend.  But then I began to realize how detestable she was as a character.  She turned on MC after she accidentally came out to her parents, she turned on EVERYONE when she joined the Gutter Kittens, and only when her circus tent came crashing down did this sad clown emerge and ask for help cleaning up the remnants of the big top.  She’s immature, rude, she goes off on people for doing things she doesn’t want (Annisa talking to Natasha, MC writing an unbiased article about the Loose Pins and their strong performance, etc.), and worst of all, she’s a criminal.  

A LEGIT criminal.  Not on the level of the Alphas, but she’s committed her share of crimes, including underage drinking, breaking and entering on multiple accounts (when she broke into the observatory in TF book 4, investigating the studio’s security room in TJ, and breaking into the old dorm in The Senior), trespassing which basically goes hand-in-hand with the last crime, vandalism (when she broke a $500 bottle of whiskey in a bar in The Senior), and fleeing the scene of a crime (when she broke the whiskey).  The other characters have also committed some of these crimes, but I’m mainly gunning for Kaitlyn because she’s a repeat-offender, not to mention she’s committed more crimes than any of the other love interests.  Just...why did her character go totally south after book 3?!

The Crown & The Flame

Best: Raydan.  He’s loyal, incredibly strategic and knowledgeable, can hold his own in a fight, and he’s charismatic as hell.  Playing as Raydan was incredibly fun and I loved seeing what sorts of mischief he got up to on his adventures.  Plus, his romance scenes were incredible.  My favorites were the flower scene in book one and the tent scene in book two.

Worst: Shockingly, Dominic for several reasons.  He’s Kenna’s best friend and he’s held that title since their childhood, but I can only see him as her best friend.  The romance scenes between Dom and Kenna felt a little...I dunno, forced?  There’s not really any other way to say it.  I married Dom in one playthrough and I regretted it so much.  When Kenna and Dom get married, they become the most boring heterosexual couple in the game...honestly!  I also found Dominic just a very boring character in general, which is pretty shocking considering A. He’s a frickin’ fire mage and B. He’s in TC&TF, one of the best damn series in the game.  Whenever I saw the words “You are now playing as Dominic Hunter”, I wanted nothing more than to see “You are now playing as Kenna Rys” because I was so bored with his character.

Most Wanted

Best: ...I honestly don’t know! It’s been so long that I don’t even remember any love interests in the game.

Worst: Same here!

Rules of Engagement

Best: It’s a tie between Dean and Mira.  Dean was an incredibly down-to-earth character who started off as MC’s faithful companion and eventually fell in love with her.  Friendly and never afraid to lend her an ear, Dean made sure MC was faring well during tough times and took her out on dates/hangouts whenever she needed a pick-me-up even though his job as a Bartender *probably* didn’t pay that well.  During their marriage, Dean took on two roles, as not only did he agree to be her husband, he remained MC’s best friend as well.

Mira was also a really good love interest.  Even though she was paywalled to hell, she was a genuinely sweet character.  I got the wrong impression of her at first, thinking she was just a snooty chef brought to the kitchen to cause trouble for Party Girl Sister, but oh man.  Mira was fantastic.  When Party Girl Sister was in the middle of her pregnancy scare, Mira got involved and frequently checked in on her to make sure she was okay.  She helped her unwind and relax when the stress got to her, offered her advice from when she was pregnant with her son, and was overall an unexpected friend that Party Girl Sister needed.  When the time came to pick a love interest for PGS, I didn’t hesitate to pick Mira, who was truly her loving angel, and I don’t think I made the wrong choice in that at all.

Worst: I’m going to get plenty of hate from this I’m sure, but William and Leo.  They’re both incredibly rich and famous men who don’t even seem realistic, yet they fall for a completely ordinary girl.  William annoyed me on the first date when he saw my (non diamond!) outfit and had the audacity to say “Oh...” with a shocked look on his face.  I mean...”oh”? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?  But also, William was just kinda boring.  It seemed like he was using his money to compensate for how boring his personality was.

Leo is quite the opposite of William personality-wise, but I can’t say I liked his whole bad boy/rebel/”let’s do illegal stuff because in the end it’s fun” shtick.  Like William, Leo also seems largely unrealistic and rather unrelatable, which I think is a pretty big problem if you’re trying to resonate with the readers.

Endless Summer

Best: Jake and Quinn are a pretty tough choice, so I can’t say for sure which one I prefer.  They’re both attractive and both are rather different personality-wise.  Jake is brave, but at the start of the book he only really cares for himself.  As the story goes on, he starts to care about the other characters as it becomes apparent they’re all stuck on the island.  While Jake is a good guy, his nick-names got very, very old after three books.  Additionally, he’s one of the overused cynical/loner/sarcastic male love interest archetypes, but I’ll give him a pass this time because he was the first of his kind, plus he had a pretty good reason to be as cynical as he was.

Quinn is super cute and is probably one of the sweetest LI’s in the game.  She’s friendly and compassionate from the start, and knowing that she has an illness that will one day result in her death, she has become brave and willing to live her life to its fullest.  Her romance scenes were also amazing.  My personal favorite is the sex scene in the kitchen when she and MC make cupcakes together.  However, one thing I fault the writers for with Quinn’s writing is that she’s frequently portrayed as the damsel in distress.  You have to protect her from the Sabertooth, save her when she almost drowns, save her again when the Vaanti attack the hotel, save her AGAIN when she nearly dies from Rotterdam’s Syndrome, save her again when she and the group are held at gunpoint in the MASADA complex...the list goes ON!

Worst: Sean. Sean is an incredibly kindhearted character who cares about his friends to the point of not eating food until everyone else has eaten.  He’s selfless, brave, and an overall friendly guy.  However, that is his fault. I know it’s odd to be faulting such a great dude for being one of the sweetest guys in the game, but the only problem I have with him is that he’s a cookie-cutter clone of Chris, Caleb, Griffin, basically any strong, benevolent male character in the Choices series.  For the most part, they’re largely identical in personality, and that takes away from their originality.  I still love Sean.  Saying he’s the worst just means I think he’s the worst of any of the amazing LI’s in ES, but he’s still a really great guy.

#LoveHacks

Best: I really can’t pick any of them.

Worst: I’d honestly have to say all of them.  They’re either A. Wishy-washy B. Boring C. Introduced way too late in the game and their development is either non-existent or way too rushed.  Hell, I forgot Mark Collins even existed until I stumbled across his page on the wikia.

The Haunting of Braidwood Manor

Best: Eleanor by default.  She’s paywalled and you have to pay diamonds to keep her alive at the end, but she’s pretty, she’s sweet, she cares for her younger siblings enough to live(?) with a dark secret that’s left her traumatized, and we get to spend lots of time with her in the book.

Worst: Victor.  We barely even get to know this guy!  There’s almost nothing about him on the wikia pages either simply because he’s almost never in the story without diamonds and we barely even got to know him.  

The Royal Romance

Best: Even though I didn’t marry her at the end (I still had some flings with her though), Hana.  Hana is incredibly sweet, she’s really pretty, and she’s got overbearing parents which, in my case, makes her a really relatable character.  She does anything she can to please her parents/friends and she quickly becomes a very loyal friend (or lover) to MC as she finds her way as the newest noble in Cordonia.

Worst: Drake.  Oh, Drake, have I got a bone to pick with you.  Not only is he one of the many, MANY cynical/loner/sarcastic male LI archetypes, the story could have gone on without him, rendering him pretty useless.  I cannot think of a single non-romance scene where I thought: “Oh man, Drake is a really necessary character!”  Not to mention, Drake is picky as hell.  He gets to live in the palace for free, gets to eat food and hang out with Liam, but he whines about not wanting to become like those gosh darn nobles, and he whines about the food being “too fancy” or whatever when there are people starving in other parts of the world.  I would understand you not eating food if you’re allergic or can’t stomach it, but really, Drake? Because it’s too fancy?! Come on!

Hero

Best: I have to say, none of these love interests were up to par. The book is great, the LI’s are lacking.

Worst: All of them.  They’re not too bad per se, but man...they’re just so lackluster! Grayson is boring, Kenji is cocky, and Eva got on my nerves a lot.

High School Story

Best: Emma without a doubt.  She’s pretty, she’s very sweet to her friends and MC, and she’s a shy character who’s surprisingly well-written.  Though I didn’t choose to romance her, I still think she’s definitely the best love interest in this series because not only is she an amazing friend, but in other playthroughs I’ve watched, she’s a very loving girlfriend to the main character.

Worst: Probably a tie between Caleb and Maria.  Caleb, like I mentioned earlier, is pretty much the same as Chris, Sean, and Griffin, which makes him rather dull.  Maria isn’t too bad, but she could get very intense at times, and that gave me a really negative first impression of her that never truly went away.

It Lives in the Woods

Best: Andy. Frickin’. Kang.  He’s strong, rough and tumble, and really brave, but he’s also soft and gentle with the MC if they romance him.  He’s the first trans representation in Choices, and I personally think Pixelberry did a really good job with him.  I really felt for him when he and Tom were being discriminated against on the basketball team because they were both Asian, and because Andy was also short and transgender.  Yet, even after all this, Andy doesn’t quit the team and doesn’t give up his dreams, and if he survives the final game with Mr. Red/Jane, he becomes the basketball captain and eventually goes on to play for a college team.  Way to go, King Kang!

Worst: I don’t think I can really say any of them are the worst because all four of the other love interests in this series are pretty great.

Home for the Holidays

Best: None of them.  NONE.

Worst: ALL OF THEM! This book was abysmal, and one reason it was so hated is because the love interests were awful.  Nick was unnecessarily cruel, Wyatt was so happy it was creepy, and Holly was really boring.  

Red Carpet Diaries

Best: Oh dear.  Same case as HFTH, none of them.

Worst: I can’t choose just one, so...I guess all of them.  Matt was forced upon the player, Victoria is one of those mean girls/divas that has a complete 180 in her personality at some point, Teja and Seth were absolute morons for the entirety of book two, and Addison and Hunt were purely a fanservice for people who played Hollywood U (which is a good game, but if you ask me, Addi and Hunt should’ve never become LI’s for this series).

Perfect Match

Best: I really don’t even know with this one, you guys.  I was never a fan of this series (oof, I can feel the hate I’m getting from that sentence right now) and the LI’s all seemed really unimpressive.

Worst: Hayden.  While I really dislike Damien and think he’s undoubtedly the most overrated love interest in the entire game, I’ve got to say Hayden is the worst.  You get to customize their gender, appearance, and eventually their name, and while they’re a robot with sentience and human feelings, this just makes them seem LESS human.  Not to mention, they stupidly left the group on multiple occasions and went on walks alone to brood and be edgy, which eventually led to Harley infiltrating and causing our already feeble plans to fail yet again.  Lastly...Hayden is one of the love interests that repeatedly gets crammed down the player’s throat whether they like it or not.

Bloodbound

Best: Jax is a great love interest, but since he’s one of those overused cynical/loner/sarcastic archetypes, I’m going to have to say Lily is the best in this series.  She’s tragically underrated, quirky, goofy, and she’s a GAMER with GLASSES, which is totally my weak spot.  Lily is just the cutest thing, I swear.  And since I love Jax and Lily almost equally, I went NUTS when I was offered a diamond threesome scene with them.  That day was a huge win.

Worst: Even though he’s not too bad as a character, Adrian.  You don’t get to customize his name or gender, but you still get to customize his appearance, which I really don’t like in love interests because it makes them seem like interchangeable parts.  

Veil of Secrets

Best: Kate.  She’s paywalled unfortunately, and she only becomes a love interest at the very end of the book, but she’s very beautiful and sweet.  You have to spend the entire story saving her, but fortunately, she isn’t forced upon you romantically like some of the other love interests are in the game.  It’s really unfortunate that she became a love interest so late in the game.

Worst: Probably Naomi, only because she was boring.  Otherwise, she’s not too bad.

America’s Most Eligible

Best: None of them.

Worst: All of them because they’re really bland compared to some of the other love interests Pixelberry has given us.

Desire & Decorum

Best: Hamid.  He’s sweet, gentle, he’s good with kids, and he’s really attractive as well.  Overall, though, I think all the love interests in this series are pretty boring, but Hamid is slightly less boring than the others.

Worst: Sinclaire.  I originally hated his guts, but he’s not that bad to be honest.  He’s one of the cynical/loner/sarcastic male archetypes, and while not as extreme as some of the others, he’s still a part of the archetype.  He’s grown on me, I will admit, but only as a friend, nothing more.

Across the Void

Best: None of them.

Worst: All of them.  The whole book is a mess, and that trickles down to the love interests.  Minimal character development, forgettable love interests (I forgot Meridian and Titania even existed at some points in the book), Kepler freaks me out, Sol was a dick at certain points, Zekei is more of Eos’s love interest than MC’s, it’s a whole thing.  The siblings’ love interests aren’t any better.  Eos has Lyra who isn’t too bad, but damn is she boring.  He also has Deimos and Oberon who came in out of literal nowhere, same thing with Pax’s love interest, Zaniah, and she turns out to be a freaking villain that you have to pay diamonds to redeem.  Lastly, we have Holmes...who’s really annoying to me.  Sigh.

Big Sky Country

NOTE: I feel the need to tell you beforehand that I wanted to remain single for this series, but they force you into kissing someone in the last chapter whether you like it or not, so I picked the lesser of the evils.

Best: Juliette Mendoza, and I’m ONLY picking her because she’s absolutely beautiful.

Worst: Sawyer and Dallas.  Sawyer because he’s forced, Dallas because he’s yet another one of the cynical/loner/sarcastic male archetypes.  Urgh.

The Elementalists

Best: I don’t care for any of them.

Worst: Beckett, but before you murder me, it’s only because A. He redeemed himself in like one chapter which is incredibly lazy writing on Pixelberry’s part, and B. He and Griffin (who I rather like, actually) get lots of diamond scenes while love interests like Aster are getting sidelined.

High School Story: Class Act

Best: Skye, but I wouldn’t romance her simply because she’s more of a friend than anything.  She’s incredibly sweet and she’s the polar opposite of her shitty family, and having a storyline about Skye and the abuse she gets from her family would actually be really interesting.  I’d love to see her family get their comeuppance and Skye end up living a better life, because that’s what she deserves.

Worst: I legitimately could not choose who I hate more.  Rory and Ajay are both on my shit list.  Rory is one of the most forced love interests in the entire frickin’ game, and is a complete Mary Sue.  I’m not just saying that either.  Rory is attractive, talented, popular, and lots of people have crushes on them (Erin says in one of the first chapters of HSSCA book one that their last play got a good turnout because 1/3 of the audience had crushes on Rory), and is *supposedly* completely oblivious to how many people like them, which would be kiiiiinda hard to miss, especially with Natalie and Clint.  

But otherwise, Rory has almost zero personality.  They’re friendly, but most love interests have that trait.  They also have a mother with cancer and participates in a play to fund treatment for her, but that’s about as complex as Rory gets.  The worst part about them is that they’re constantly getting shoved down our throats.  The game and characters constantly imply MC has a crush on Rory whether we like it or not, and MC ceases to function during rehearsal when they realize Rory is going to ask them to homecoming.  For Pete’s sake, we join the damn play just to get closer to Rory.  And for people who don’t give a fuck about Rory, like me, that makes the book remarkably frustrating.

And we also have Ajay, who I hate about as much as Rory.  From the start, he was rude, condescending, and snarky.  But then when Rory tells everyone their mother has cancer, Ajay says “yeah man, I’ve been super harsh because I want this to go perfect, blah blah” which, to me, is a TOTAL cop out.  Even if the play didn’t go perfect, the audience would have already paid for their admission and donated beforehand.  I didn’t excuse Ajay’s dickish behavior throughout the book, especially when he never apologized for siding against MC after the whole theater cube fiasco, even when there was zero concrete evidence against them.  Annoying, rude, never apologized for making an accusation that turned out to be untrue, and...god, every time he speaks, my mind reads his words in Brainy Smurf’s annoying, nasally voice.

It Lives Beneath

Best: Tom.  What can I say except Tomoichi “Tom” Sato?  Ever since ILITW, he's been a good friend to Andy since they were toddlers, helped him throughout life with his friendship, prevented Andy from committing suicide at one point, and was friendly throughout the first book.  In this series, he's a love interest, and is one of the few love interests who isn't drawn with a super-duper fit body (thus making him a little more realistic).  And his sex scenes are wild, dude.  I mean, in a PHOTO BOOTH at a festival full of people?!

He's loyal, goofy, and he's realistic because he's awkward and flustered if MC flirts with him.  Be honest, if an attractive stranger starting forwardly flirting with you within not even a day of meeting you, wouldn't you be pretty awkward and stuttery?  Also, Tom is cute, he appears to have a friendly/romantic chemistry with MC, and all the scenes with him and MC are well-written and pleasant to read.   

Worst: Out of fear of being personally attacked again (I even got one or two death threats), I will not be going too in-depth about why Imogen is the worst love interest of this series.  All I’ll say is that, for the majority of the book, she was an extreme weak link and I feel like she redeemed herself too late.

A Courtesan of Rome

Best: Syphax.  He’s really gorgeous, and he takes the fall for MC when she sloppily murders a Roman authority.  That’s some serious selflessness, and I really admire Syphax for that, but he is a bit forced on the player in the first part of the book.

Worst: Marc Antony.  He really gives me the creeps.

The Heist: Monaco

Best: Eris.  She’s sassy, spunky, but she’s got a soft spot for MC and is actually really sweet.  She’s absolutely beautiful and I didn’t have a hard time choosing her as my love interest.  Though...if Sonia turns out to be a love interest, I might have a problem later.

Worst: Probably Fabien because, yet again (I’m sorry, okay!), he’s a cynical/loner/sarcastic male love interest archetype.  But he’s really not a bad dude, I like him.  He’s just the worst out of this bunch.

Ride or Die: A Bad Boy Romance

Best: One word: none.

Worst: All of them! They’re all criminals, and they’re not noble criminals who screw over corrupt people like MC and their crew in TH:M, they’re legit criminals who endanger other people’s lives for fun.

So, what do you guys think? Who are your best/worst LI’s for each series? Don’t hesitate to reblog and ring in with your opinions, because like I said before, I’m really curious to see how the rest of the fandom thinks.

[hilarymp]

PET SEMATARY (2019) REVIEW

SPOILER WARNING! This review contains spoilers for Pet Sematary (2019), Pet Sematary (1989) and the novel.

    I’ll admit straight out of the gate that I went into Pet Sematary (2019) with a negative attitude. For whatever reason (one that I am still struggling to comprehend) the studio decided not only to make a rather large divergence from the source material’s plot, but to also spoil this “twist” in the trailer and promotional material. That alone was enough to convince me that this remake/reboot/reimagining/whatever the fuck you want to call it probably wasn’t going to win me over. So let’s discuss that first and foremost.

    I am not at all opposed to film adaptations making changes. Case in point, 2017’s new IT. IT and it’s miniseries predecessor are among some of my favorite horror films of all time, despite the fact that they were not 100% faithful to the novel, especially the more recent installment. For me changes are totally fine as long as they a.) maintain the spirit, themes, and tone of the original story and b.) make the film more frightening.

    With those rules in mind the change prominently displayed in the trailer for 2019’s Pet Sematary, the fact the Creed’s eldest child Ellie is the one who is killed and brought back from the dead instead of toddler Gage, already failed at rule b. Don’t get me wrong, any reanimated evil corpse is going to be scary, but why on earth would you deny us an evil murderous baby just to give us yet another creepy little girl. The ‘creepy little girl’ trope in horror is so tired and overused it makes my head hurt. The Ring, Orphan, The Exorcist, Silent Hill, The Shining, Alice Sweet Alice, The Bad Seed, Let the Right One In, Hereditary, Sinister, I could go on and on and on. The use of the trope isn’t inherently terrible, but why would you go out of your way to use it when something less used and much scarier (a straight up homicidal TODDLER) is an option? The simplest and most likely reason, in my opinion, was for convenience. Is directing a 2 year old more difficult to direct than an 11 year old? Yes, of course, obviously. But it’s definitely possible, as Mary Lambert proved while directing Miko Hughes as Gage in 1989. (Honestly, to this day I can not believe the performance she got out of that little boy.) So to me the change is not only a disservice to the film, but also an indication that the filmmakers were unabashedly lazy.

    So now that you know why I had set myself up for disappointment to begin with, let’s break down what the film succeeded at and how it failed.

    Whatever problems I have with the film, at least I can say that I loved the cast. John Lithgow was extremely endearing and likable. His performance as Jud was a refreshingly grounded and heartfelt departure from Fred Gwynne’s high camp in ‘89. Jason Clarke was as engrossing as ever. I always enjoy Clarke’s performances, and he often brings extra depth to characters that would have otherwise fallen flat (Dr. Price in ‘Winchester’ being a prime example). And Jete Laurance was nothing short of incredible. You would never expect that this little girl could transform into something to sinister so effortlessly. Her performance in the first half of the film is filled with such sweet sincerity, that her turn into undead Ellie is all the more frightening. Not as frightening as being terrorized by a little ankle biting toddler, mind you, but enjoyable nonetheless. ESPECIALLY compared to Ellie in the 89 film. Do you remember her? My God, she was so annoying. 

    Speaking of annoying, Amy Seimetz as Rachel was the only weak link in the cast. Instead of being deeply troubled and complex as Stephen King wrote her, Seimetz’s Rachel is so one dimensional that by the third or fourth time we see her crying, I wasn’t just unmoved, I was borderline irritated. ‘The weepy mother’ role in horror films are never especially fulfilling, but in this instance Rachel was meant to be much more than that. And the cheapening of the Zelda subplot doesn’t help matters either. 

    To me Zelda, Rachel’s late sister who suffered from spinal meningitis, was hands down the scariest part of the book and original film, so I was extra disappointed here. I’m fully aware that the character of Zelda is extremely problematic and portraying her as a monster is ableist as fuck. (Let’s be real, 99% of all Stephen King’s works are problematic but if we pull on that thread we’ll be here all day.) But the in the new film she is completely under utilized. Her appearances have been shrunk down to generic Conjuring-like jumpscares. Like most horror movies these days, the film relies on quick cuts, loud bangs, and obnoxious music cues to startle us instead of showing us anything particularly alarming. There is one prolonged sequence of incredible suspense, as Louis slowly walks through his basement in search of his daughters reanimated corpse, that filled me with so much dread that I was finally genuinely scared. Alas, *sad trombone*, it was undercut with a cheap jumpscare just like all the rest.

    On top of uninspired jumpscares, the filmmaking as a whole was ‘meh’ at best, especially the production design. The houses nearly hidden among the picturesque dense woods are definitely more visually interesting than the ones presented to us in ‘89. It also makes the danger of the nearby highway much more palpable, with the road being both closer to the house and more believably prone to accidents, with the thick foliage hindering the drivers’ ability to see. And the ‘pet sematary’ itself is serviceable enough, not much different from what we’ve seen before. But once we are taken beyond the dead fall to the cursed burial ground, the scope of the film shrinks drastically, making everything feel cramped and cheap like a paper mache Haunted house, even with cheap smoke machine effects to match.

    There are a lot of loose ends in the film as well, though it’s hard to tell if they were caused by the script or the editing. For instance, when Jud is explaining the burial ground to Louis, he mentions the wendigo that is suspected to be the source of the land’s power. But… that’s all he says about it. He doesn’t explain what a Wendigo is, what it does, or why it does it. If you’ve never read the book, or have never heard of a wendigo before, the word means nothing. Why bring up the Wendigo at all if you’re not even going to tie it into the lore properly. They could just have easily just said ‘cursed Indian burial ground’ (it in and of itself a tired trope, but still) and we would have just went with it. Another example is when undead Ellie is terrorizing Jud, she turns herself into Jud’s dead wife, and mentions that says something along the lines of “Your wife is “n hell for what you did to her before she died”. What? What the hell did he do? Why the fuck would you even put that out there with zero follow up?!

    Oh and let’s talk about Pascow. His role in the film is minimized so much, they might as well have left him out entirely. If I’m remembering correctly, late in the novel Pascow appears to Rachel urging her to come home. In the first film he appears to Rachel instead, who tells Rachel they need to come home. But in this film he appears to Gage. A toddler. Who can barely speak. Now as disturbing of a notion it is to have a very small child being haunted by such a gruesome image (and you all know how much I love disturbing shit), it’s also kind of pointless and dumb. If Pascow wanted to get Rachel to come home, why would he appear to Gage who, again, can’t talk, instead of just appearing to Rachel? One could argue that Gage’s crying and saying the name Pascow freaks Rachel out so much that it makes her want to go back, but you could just as easily say she left to get away from her memories of Zelda in her parents house, or the fact that Louis wouldn’t answer his goddamn phone

    We’re also missing out on some crucial motivations to explain Louis’ terrible decision making. No scene of Louis and the grandfather fighting at the funeral, no Louis being blamed for his child’s death, no knocking over of the casket. I might be biased since, for me, that sequence is one of the most upsetting moments of the 89 film. But on top of a missed opportunity to shock, it also takes away the debilitating guilt that motivates Louis to resurrect his child, despite knowing it won’t go well. The guilt is still vaguely implicit, but sometimes horror films need to explicitly illustrate cause and effect, if for no other reason than to keep the audience from screaming “Why the fuck would you do that!?” at the screen for 2 hours.

    Speaking of motivations, what are Ellie’s? What even is Ellie for that matter? The film can’t seem to make up its mind. Undead Ellie has Ellie’s memories, remembers how she died, and holds grudges against her parents for both her death and her resurrection. So there must be some part of the real Ellie in there, right? But when Rachel says “You’re not my daughter” undead Ellie agrees with her! So if it’s not really Ellie why does she keep trying to guilt and punish her parents? If she’s just an evil demon or spirit possessing Ellie’s corpse, you’d think it’d be glad that Louis was stupid enough to bury her up there. Free meat suit, hurray! The spirit clearly wants more bodies buried up there, seeing as it takes out the entire family just to bring them back like she was. Surely she just wanted to kill them all for funsies, right? Who the fuck knows. The screenwriter sure doesn’t appear to.

    Another super obnoxious thing about this film is it’s cheap fake-outs. It’s one thing to change iconic moments from the first adaptation, but constantly calling attention to it is another. Like the ominous close ups of Jud’s heel and him kicking the bed before Ellie gets him on the stairs. Yeah we get it. ‘The old movie had Gage under the bed, but watch out, we’re mixing stuff up in this one!’ Yup. Got it. Thanks for the reminder. Or the whole ‘Gage almost being hit by the truck’ fake out before Ellie is actually hit. This one is especially stupid since you already fucking showed us in the trailer that Gage isn’t going to die. Why even try to fake us out like that when we already know you’ve changed that too? You have successfully irritated and underwhelmed me, movie, no reason to draw more attention to it.

Here’s a quick list of some other petty little things that bugged me. These aren’t even necessarily the movie’s fault, some just come from the book itself.

If Rachel is so traumatized and adverse to talking about death, why the fuck did she marry an ER doctor?

You expect me to believe that Louis, pragmatic Louis who doesn’t even believe in an afterlife, would just follow Jud over the deadfall, through the woods, across a swamp and up a bunch of mysterious stone stairs, with zero explanation? No questions asked? I’d be asking “What the fuck are we doing?” about every couple of yards.

Why in god’s name would Rachel’s parents not only still live in the house where their daughter suffered and died, but also KEEP THE DUMB WAITER SHE DIED IN?

Why don’t movies ever address the fact that when you’re buried your eyes and lips are sewn or glued shut beforehand? And the scene where Louis is bathing Ellie and he sees the staples in her head and is all freaked out - wouldn’t she have huge fucking staples all across her chest and down her abdomen from the funeral home too??

    Despite my complaints, Pet Sematary isn’t completely devoid of entertainment value, not by a long shot. It’s not bad, it just could have been so so much better. Pet Sematary is riddled with missed opportunities,  and if you‘re an overly analytical jaded horror fan with a devotion to Stephen King like I am, they are much more obvious. I’m not mad, Pet Sematary, I’m just disappointed. To quote Tyra Banks, we were rooting for you, we were all rooting for you! You had so much potential, you just dropped the ball. Just like losing a loved one, there’s a mourning period that must be observed. Time to cope with the loss of what could have been. But rest assured, by the time you come out on blu-ray, I’ll be ready to try again.

[anxiety-musings]

In the Blood ~ Part 1

Summary: You were the daughter of one of the most powerful crime families in your home city. Until your uncle made a power grab, his ambition decimated your family, leaving you an orphan. After almost ten years training in the police force and becoming a detective you are sent undercover. Into your family’s historic rivals, the Winchesters.

Character Pairings?: Sam x Reader

AU: Gangster/Detective AU 

Word Count: 4180

A/N: Sorry it took so long to finish up this first part - I got distracted attempting to apply for future study! I also feel like this is going to be either a 2-shot or if it is received well enough we may extend to a mini-series!

Tags: Thanks to @eyeofdionysus who is always there for me to bounce insane ideas off of!

The usual suspects: @bkwrm523​ @littlegreenplasticsoldier @helvonasche @mamapeterson @mrswhozeewhatsis @manawhaat @aprofoundbondwithdean @mysupernaturalfics @eyes-of-a-disney-princess @spnashley @ruby-loves-supernatural @faith-in-dean @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell @writingthingsisdifficult @oriona75 @teamfreewillimagines @lovemydean-o-saur @kittenofdoomage @sis-tafics @but-deans-back-tho @winchester-writes @spnfanficpond

Apparently people like my writing and want to be tagged  o.O AHHH: @ezilyamuzed @drakelover78 @spnfangirl1965

The captain had called you in early on Monday morning, when he walked in you were laying on the break room sofa, humming to yourself. Shaking his head he walked past you and into his office. You grabbed your coffee and followed him into his office, taking a seat on his much comfier sofa. He sat at his desk and laughed slightly before looking you over.

“Detective, how are you this morning?” he asked, smiling a little too happily.

Your eyes narrowed, “you brought me in early on the worst day of the week and you have an evil glint in your eye. What do you want?”

Your captain chuckled, “You’re going undercover and you’re going to hate it.”

“Where am I being put,” you asked as the captain gave you a look, “no. I’m not doing that. I am not insane!”

“You have to. Commissioner’s orders. He wants you to find out all you can on the feud between the Winchester family and your own. We had to decide whether to send you in or have you train someone but we know that the latter isn’t an option,” the captain smirked, “you’ll be deep cover.”

You finished your coffee before throwing the mug at the wall, hitting a framed photo, smashing both. Rounding on the captain you glared, “You want me to go back, you better hope I don’t get burned or I’m coming back and I’m coming for you and the commissioner.”

“Keep the threats until you’re undercover,” the captain snapped.

“Bite me,” you hissed and walked out of his office, going to your desk and throwing your gun and badge into the top drawer, clearing off the desk and looking back to the captain, “my employment records better be classified. If anyone other than you and the commissioner know, I’m dead.”

The captain sighed as you walked out of the bullpen, walking to the weapons cache and signing out your old guns and holster. You headed to the commissioner’s office and walked in, without knocking. His head snapped up to your very angry face before he held out a file. Grabbing the file you took a seat and began reading, the silent tension in the room growing with every passing breath.

“I’ll go to my old apartment in the city, I go there every so often to keep my presence known. My new one is in your surname. Commissioner, why?” you asked, for the first time meeting eyes with your boss.

“I can only trust you with this. We have been lead to believe that your uncle is planning on making a move against Dean Winchester. The feud has been silent for years, why does he want to restart it,” the commissioner muttered lowly, “from now on you’ll be on your own. If you need help you know how to get in touch. And Ana, you know I wouldn’t put you back in danger if there was another way.”

You took a deep breath before nodding, “keep yourself safe. I’ll be fine, just need to make friends with people who want me dead and hope they don’t let slip to my uncle his boys didn’t finish the job.”

“Good luck Miss Taylor, come home safe,” he sighed and walked around his desk, pulling you into a quick hug, “Kaia, you best come back.”

You nodded and sighed, walking out of the office and to an evidence lockup, picking up a set of keys that were kept in a secure vault. Walking to the garage you climbed into your old car and drove into the city. It took less than half an hour to pull up outside your old apartment complex, even in heavy traffic. You took a moment to ready yourself before getting out of your car and walking into the building, taking the elevator to the top floor using your key. As the door opened onto your penthouse, you took a few deep breaths, checking the floor was clear before pulling out an old phone and slumping on your sofa. Scrolling through the contacts your paused before listening to the voicemails, hearing your mother’s last words to you once more before steeling yourself and hitting call on an old name.

The phone rang twice before a gruff voice spoke, “You have a lot of nerve calling this number Taylor.”

“Winchester, we need to meet. I’ll even come to you wearing a bow if you want,” you snapped, rolling your eyes.

There was silence before an address was muttered, “be there within the hour. Alone.”

“See you there.”

Pulling up in your car outside of the warehouse, you checked your guns and looked once more in the mirror. Your mahogany hair curled loosely past your shoulders, brushing the top of the waistband of your jeans, the white vest top clung to your figure as your leather jacket only partially covered your shoulder holster. Your polished, black, heeled boots came up to your knees, as you walked into the warehouse you threw the doors wide. Standing in the middle of the empty warehouse was the man you were waiting for, Mr. John Winchester, leaning against his impala.

“You know, I didn’t think you would actually show up Kaia,” he chuckled, “certainly not alone. Now, what do you want kiddo?”

“I want my uncle to pay. And neither of us want an all out war again, my uncle doesn’t follow the rules and we both know that,” you stated, walking forward. “Luckily for us, he thinks I’m dead. And it’s going to remain that way, or you and I will have problems.”

John laughed, shaking his head before his eyes met yours in a glare. “You’ve been out of the picture for a while kiddo. Ten years ago your daddy bit the dust, you vanished only a year later. Now you come back full swing, we know you went to the police academy and you were a detective. Did they finally kick the mafia kid out and she wants to come back to play the game?”

You stared at John as you pulled out the old phone and played the other saved voicemail, staring directly at the older man as you both heard your little sister ask her uncle what was happening. John flinched at the child’s screams as she begged for her mother to be saved, three shots sounded and the child sobbed. A final three shots were fired before silence and the call cutting out.

“Only reason I joined the police force was to bring him down. They decided I was not suited to the job and kicked me out. I’m getting my revenge, and I’ve heard whispers that he wants to reignite the war. Starting with Dean’s family. Not Dean, his wife and kids.” John moved faster than you anticipated, grabbing your throat and holding his colt to your head. “Why do you think I’m here John? I’m not letting what happened to me repeat itself any time soon.”

John’s grip loosened on your throat as he nodded, “My boys will take your car, get in.”

He stepped into the impala, waiting for you to get in beside him before driving out of the warehouse. You stared at the sky as he drove, nervously fiddling with the phone in your hands. John kept glancing over to you while he drove to his home.

“You know it isn’t going to be safe for you to go back to that apartment of yours. If we spotted you, it’s only a matter of time before you uncle catches wind,” John muttered, “I’ll get you set up properly.”

You nodded silently, “you know my father signed the truce, he didn’t want our families to fight. My uncle thought he went soft and shot him in the back of the head. He got to be the big man, just killed his brother to get there.”

John nodded and continued driving in silence. He pulled into the grounds of his home, his boys following behind in your car. The door to the manse opened as you stepped out of the car, within the seconds that followed Dean Winchester had lunged at you as his father yelled for him to stop. Dean pinned you to the floor and held his pistol to your face while his father yelled. With him distracted, you twisted and disarmed Dean, throwing his gun aside. You took a step back as Dean jumped to his feet, suddenly being separated by a taller figure as John shook his head.

“Stop it! Dean, Sam, learn how to treat a guest properly. Now get inside, all of you.”

After following the brothers inside you were escorted to John’s office. He took a seat at his desk, motioning for you to sit opposite as both brothers stood against a bookcase, watching you. John stayed silent, scanning the three of you in front of him, his hands folded in front of him, eyes lingering on each of you.

“Father, you can’t be seriously considering letting her stay!” Dean snapped, his glare never lifting from your form. “She can’t be trusted! She’s one of them!”

You tilted your head, looking to the older of John’s children. “You were the one who pulled a gun on me. Take a moment and realise how much of an ass you sound, then hold your tongue, Winchester.”

“If you even think for a second about hurting this family I’ll fill you with lead myself,” Dean snarled.

“Enough.” John’s voice boomed, his glare darting between both you and Dean. “Dean, if you cannot be civil, leave. Kaia came here because she found out about a threat towards us. We��re going to work together.”

Dean fell silent, as you glanced back to him, the harsh facade he put on had cracked slightly and he was staring in confusion. Sam however, had met eyes with his father in some form of silent communication. After a few moments in silence there was a nod from John and then a hand placed on your shoulder. Sam smiled to you and motioned for you to follow him.

You were given a room in the house and shown around. “Why am I staying in your home?”

“My dad wants to keep an eye on you, make sure you aren’t double crossing us. He’s made me your guardian, until we know we can trust you. You’ve been out of the game for a while Kaia, we need to make sure you still remember how to play,” Sam smiled and opened the bedroom door, “This will be your room, mine is just next door. We’ll swing by your apartment to grab your clothes and stuff, then you and I can have a proper chat.” Sam’s voice became very quiet as he spoke once again, “Detective.”

Your eyes widened as you looked to the tall Winchester, “What are you talking about?”

“Hush just now, we can chat after. Follow me, we’ll take my car.”

When you returned to the manse after grabbing your things Sam followed you into your new room and locked the door. You cursed and took a seat as he crossed his arms looking at you with a brow raised. Obviously waiting for your explanation. When you didn’t immediately speak he pulled a chair over and sat in front of you.

“I will wait all night Kaia. You should get talking,” Sam muttered lowly.

“Okay, what do you want to know Winchester?”

Sam’s face told you he wanted to know everything. You sighed and slipped out of your jacket, looking to the younger Winchester. Every possible lie passed through your mind before you realised, if Sam knew you were a detective, he probably knew enough that no lie would work.

“Okay, so I’ll start at the beginning? My uncle decided to make a power grab, tried to intimidate my father. He had my older brothers killed first, some job gone wrong. My father didn’t budge, and signed the truce agreement. The ink wasn’t even dry when my uncle shot him, the truce papers couldn’t be sent back to your father. But my uncle wasn’t satisfied, he wanted to wipe out my father’s side of the family. He killed my mother and baby sister, they had been on the phone to me, telling me to run.” you looked down, clenching your jaw, a fire in your eyes. “That’s when I decided he is going to die, and he’s going to die painfully. I ran and after a staged car crash, thanks to the police commissioner, I joined the police academy. They protected me and I told them what they wanted to know.”

Sam nodded and leaned back, taking his glock out of its holster and setting it on the side table. You watched the older man as he seemed to process everything you were saying. His brow furrowed as you continued.

“I became a detective, using the commissioner’s surname as my own. No one in the precinct knows who I really am. Then I got told I was going undercover because they caught wind that my uncle wants to restart the war, with Dean’s family,” you sighed and watched Sam tense, his eyes locking with yours. “And you wonder why I agreed. Dean has a wife, a son and a daughter and my uncle doesn’t respect the rules. You know if anyone else finds out about what I am, I’m dead and I can’t help your family. Trust me, I want to ruin my family more than anyone, dead or alive.”

“I’ll keep quiet, but if you betray us you know the first thing I will do is burn you. To your uncle and my father,” Sam muttered lowly. “I’ve been keeping tabs on you Kaia, since you disappeared. It was smart to use another name, but you have to realise this will end in one of two ways. Either you die or your family are taken out, there’s not an easy out here.”

You nod, “I’m not looking for an easy out, and my uncle best check I have no pulse next time.”

Sam chuckled and stood, as you copied, gripping his arm. He looked down to you and nodded in silence before stepping out of the room, you heard the door lock once more before you opened the window, staring out of it towards the city. As the sun began to set you unpacked the bags you had grabbed from your apartment, leaving one drawer for your weapons, the other 2 filled with your clothing. A knock at the door had you snap your head towards it, John was standing in the doorway watching you. He turned and walked away, you followed him quietly. Within the hour you were introduced to John, Sam and Dean’s closest family, whenever you glanced to Sam he was watching you, as if waiting for you to mess up.

Once you had dinner with the family, Sam pulled you away with him, handing you your jacket and walking to his car. You took a second to take a breath before following the man, climbing into the jeep. Sam squealed out of the manse and began driving through the streets, keeping an eye out for any strange activity in the Winchester’s part of town. He pulled the car over, outside a nightclub and stepped out, motioning for you to follow. As you walked towards the door the people outside stopped and stared, Sam wrapped an arm around your waist and nodded to the bouncer who stepped aside, nodding in respect.

“Stay close,” Sam whispered into your ear as you stepped into the loud club.

You looked around the club as Sam moved you into the VIP section. His hand stayed on your back as you were both given the once over by a security guard, who ignored the guns you both carried. Sam escorted you through the door and up a set of stairs to a quiet room where people were chatting quietly. The room fell silent as eyes fell on Sam, you watched as a flamboyantly dressed man stepped forward, smiling widely.

“My little Kaia! So good to see the little one again! And with a Winchester, tell me, who died?” he laughed, pulling you into a hug, “Sam here requested a new wardrobe for you. Apparently your outfits have grown a little drab, police issue nonsense.”

Your voice was low as you met his eyes, “Gabe, indoor voice. My uncle will want my head on a pike if he learns I’m alive. And he’ll come for you if he learns you knew.”

“Well then, come on into my parlour and we can gossip like old times. Good thing you don’t appear to have changed much…” he smirked and walked back into the room he had originally come from.

Stepping through the doors you relaxed, a breathless laugh escaping your lips as you took in the spectacle. As soon as the door closed you were enveloped in a bear hug by Gabriel, he kissed your cheek and stared at you, a wide smile on his face. You couldn’t help but to return the smile, looking to your old friend and feeling safe once more. Gabe had hidden you for just short of a month after your “car crash”, he kept you safe throughout multiple raids your uncle ordered. Walking through the parlour your hand brushed over the clothing Gabe would painstakingly spend hours working on. Sam watched as your friend walked to a closet and grabbed a suitcase, he began carefully packing piles of clothes, from everyday wear to ballgowns.

“They are all made the usual way and have hidden pockets, you are lucky you haven’t changed much Kaia,” Gabe smiled, looking to Sam, “I do have to ask what a Winchester is doing associating with a Taylor…”

Sam rolled his eyes, “More like what is a Taylor doing with us. She’s under our protection now.”

“You know there are those in this club still loyal to her family.” Gabe’s voice lowered as he met your eyes, “Not your uncle. They want him dead, I’ve been keeping up with the gossip… Kaia, they know. Your uncle has someone in the police department, not in as high a position as your father had but they recognised you.”

Sam looked at you, watching your reaction. You simply nodded and walked towards a desk, reaching under the desk you pressed a button. Gabe’s eyes flicked over to you as you lifted the fake-top on the desk and stared at your things. Looking through the desk you pulled out your old necklace, guns and a file. Sam raised a brow as you handed him the file - as he opened the cover you watched his whole body relax.

“We wondered what happened to the original…” Sam whispered as he stared at the blood-soaked paperwork.

While you stood in silence, watching Gabe pack and Sam read the file an alarm sounded in the room. Pulling up the CCTV you saw one of your cousins at the door to the club, yelling at the bouncer. Sam and Gabe shared a look as they pushed you through a back door to the parlour. Gabe pulled the suitcase as Sam checked the route was clear. Once you were inside the jeep Gabe put the suitcase in the trunk and smiled to you before disappearing back into the club. Sam revved the engine and pulled away from the club, driving back towards the manse. You stayed quiet as he pulled up, until you saw a car you knew parked out front. Climbing out of the jeep you walked towards the car, upon seeing it was empty you headed towards the manse. Dean opened the door as you approached, he sighed and motioned towards the dining room. Turning through the entrance hall into the dining room you almost ran into the back of a tall figure. As he turned to you he smiled, and you cast confused stares between the men.

“I think we should go to my office,” John muttered looking at you.

The man smiled to you, “Detective.”

“Commissioner?” you asked as he chuckled, “What the fuck is going on here?”

You were escorted to John’s office with the commissioner, they gave each other a look before the commissioner began to explain.

“I have worked with the Winchesters for years, much like how the DA worked with your father. When your father was killed we attempted to extract your mother and sister but were too late, we did manage to bring you to safety though. Using our resources we helped stage the car crash, but we couldn’t simply tell you all of this.” he began, “The Winchester’s have been protecting you since you fled from your uncle. Sam was the head of that operation, we kept this quiet so your uncle wouldn’t find you as easily.”

You looked at John, “Then why the act when I called you? And why did Dean try to kill me?”

“Only immediate family knew of this, so we had to keep acting like you were an enemy. And before you ask, we couldn’t have the commissioner tell you anything because his position would be at risk. Not to mention your uncle has spies in the police,” John stated. “Now, your uncle knows you are alive, and he may know we are protecting you. Sam is going to continue to be your protector, we won’t let your uncle harm you. I promise you this Kaia.”

Nodding you looked to the commissioner who smiled over to you, “Sorry we kept this quiet for so long. You were sent undercover because the police force became unsafe. Your captain worked for your uncle.”

“Knew I hated him for a good reason,” you muttered and ran a hand through your hair, “Thank you for everything, I should go, I kind of left Sam at the car…” you chuckled and shook hands with both men, heading to the jeep to grab your suitcase.

Sam gave you a look of understanding before helping you with the suitcase. Once you entered your room he closed the door behind the two of you and watched you. You began unpacking as he leaned against the door, waiting for the right time to break the silence. As you placed the final dress into your closet Sam finally spoke.

“You know, watching you for the past ten years got tiring. I’m actually surprised you never caught me out,” he began.

You looked at him and laughed, “I knew you were watching me after the first few months. You don’t run into the same person as often as I saw you without them either stalking you or they’re going to kill you. You were around too long for killing so you were watching me,” you shrugged, looking up to the man. “I didn’t know who you were - I had never met you prior, probably why your father sent you since Dean and I had gotten into fights before…”

Sam looked down to you, “You knew I was following you, yet you still…” his gaze dropped to you as you smirked, “Were you drunk that night?”

“Not in the slightest, you were cute and I decided I was going to mess with you. Unfortunately you didn’t come back to mine that night, I would have found out who you were that night. One way or another,” you smirked and stood, walking over to Sam, “You were this unknown quantity following me. But you made me feel safe, I watched you knock a guy out in an alley after he followed me. Not to mention, on a drugs bust you saved my ass by sending the other officers in my direction after my partner left me.”

Sam was looking down at you, his gaze locked onto your own. “I couldn’t let anything happen to you. That was my job.” he muttered, his eyes staring at your lips, conflict in his gaze.

You reached up to Sam’s cheek, brushing his hair back as you rocked forwards onto your toes. Sam’s hands instinctively rested on your hips as you brought his head forward, kissing him softly. His grip tightened as the kiss deepened, Sam pressing closer to you until your bodies were pressed together and he was holding you off of the ground. You wrapped your legs around the man’s hips, his hands moving so one held your ass, keeping you balanced and the other tangled in your hair. You had pulled back for a second, pulling your shirt over your head as there was a knock at the door. Both of you jumped, Sam quickly setting you on your feet as he responded to the knock.

“Yeah?” he called out, still holding you tightly against him.

Dean’s voice responded, “We’re taking Kaia out with the family tomorrow morning. Make sure you’re ready by nine, dress nicely.”

Sam responded with some acknowledgement before muttering how Dean was such a dick. He looked down to you and kissed you softly, “We can discuss this tomorrow. It’s late, you should rest.”

[pastorjdo3]

Fight Unbelief with Belief!  Judges 8:6

And the leader of Succoth said, "Are the hands of Zebah and Zalmunna already in your hands, that we should give bread to your army?" Judges 8:6

The pain Gideon must have felt when he heard the response of the leaders of Succoth.  His team, fighting to maintain good moral, is in position to receive sustenance but is being questioned as to the value of their life.   Though they can see the need of the troop, Succoth makes a decision for Succoth and not for Israel.   And who can blame them.  They made and assessment and made the decision they felt was best for them.

As a leader, Gideon had to stay focused and not become discouraged.  When following God's plan, we will encounter people and resources that seemingly fit well into the plan of God.  I'm sure he felt as though he had stumbled into a blessing.  Have you been there?  Walking!  Praying!  Believing!  Trusting! And Finding!  Only to discover a closed door, and walk away with empty hands and an empty stomach.

The leaders of Succoth were probably thinking:

Talk to me when you win!

No one has a problem backing a winner!  Everyone want to align themselves with the most dominant.  And while you might have the potential to win, most will say to you, "Talk to me when you win!"  When your numbers match your speech.  When our product matches your plans.  When your blueprints match product.  Talk to me!  This is a hard thing to swallow when you are carrying out Gods Vision, but it is often the perspective people have towards the journey.  It's not their battle, their responsibility or interest, thus their connection to it, and are support of it will be lacking unless they see how it can personally benefit them.  But you can't let this stop you!

You can't focus on it because:

Their help will help; but help doesn't guarantee a win!

Just because someone rolls up their sleeves, writes the check, helps with the fight, or gives resources to your cause does not mean you will win.  We must remember this as we walk into our destiny.

This allows you to 1.  Not take the lack of faith and support from people personally 2. Properly place your hopes in the one that can bring your into victory.

The one who had called Gideon had not abandoned him.  He was walking with him, guiding him, and though hungry; providing for him.  God would give him everything he needed, thus anything or anyone that chose not to be obedient to God, or had not been instructed by God to share resources with Gideon or his people were supposed to.  This should allow you to keep moving forward, as most tend to park their lives and reminisce or morn over what was lost or never obtained.   We often say what God has for me is for me, but our actions say otherwise.  Knowing this allows us to keep focusing on the journey ahead.  There are still two Kings to fight, and no time to mull over what could be done with what was denied!

Furthermore, we must take heart because:

Their lack of aide doesn't mean you loose!

We often hang on for dear life while God attempts to remove harmful and distracting things from our path.  Much like a dogs tussling with a rope toy, we tend to bite down with such force, that God Himself finds Himself in a battle trying to break our grip.  While it is true that ones lack of aid could lead to you loosing, one must continue the journey!  While we need the help of others, we must remember that our help comes from the hills.  God has called us, and is the greatest provider ever.  He is fighting the battle for us, with us, and through us.  We have enough power to win because He is how we are sustained and is our sustenance!  

We can release others from the responsibility,  and move forward knowing that they have not sealed our fate.  We can walk forward to the end, fully confident that their refusal will add a paragraph to the story in a chapter about victory that brings glory and honor to the Lord!

We have to also acknowledge:

Sometimes people lack faith in your ability!

Though this too is hard to accept, it is a reality.  People only know that they have seen, and sometimes what they have seen cant be comprehended.  This is especially true when you enter any scene.  Ones ability often must be proven by the "win" before one is determined a winner or a worth while investment.

Who can blame those who watch for not being eager investors in something that is unproven?  Truly, frustration and anger can not be directed towards those who are rational, simply realistic, or desire more information or proof of what one can do or what has been done.

When "new" comes, with its unfamiliar presentation, its considered unstable, undependable and unreliable in comparison with that which has already won battles.  Though Zebah and Zalmunna were on the run from Gideon they has previously won battles, and thus the leaders of Succoth had to consider this, the size of the army, and the potential and past of Gideon as a leader when choosing who to back in the fight, and so will it often be with you.

I have learned to embrace those that lack faith in my abilities.  It is made easier in that I have the same doubts at time (laughing out loud)!  But when those doubts come, I am always brought back to the fleece (Judges 6:36-40).  We have to go back to the moment when God called and when He confirmed His intentions through us.  We have to revisit the moment when God gave us the vision, and celebrate the moment when God sent the resources.

And we also have to realize:

People lack faith in the God you serve!

Just because you have faith, doesn't mean everyone you encounter will have faith!  Some are simply operating in flesh, which means they are only taking in data from their natural eyes.  They make sense out of what it tangible, not understanding that the spiritual  concerns both the tangible and intangible, making all things possible for those that believe.

For these people, the fleece means nothing, and the call is just a belief and or perspective, not a sign, authorization or guarantee.   And who could blame those who have don't believe for thinking God's Word and His call to be foolish?

They don't walk with Him, and He has not proven Himself to them, and the revelation they have seen, has been ignored for that which they feel is solid or concrete.  They opt for what they trust as proven, not understanding that proven is the end result of the process of testing and trying.  Thus our God says to test Him and to trust Him and allow Him to prove Himself to those who have yet to believe in Him.  They dismiss everything as a coincidence and chance, and believe themselves to be in control of it all, not acknowledging God at all.

Why should this person share bread with you?  They are not operating in the Spirit, and in the natural they haven't seen enough proof to trust what they know to be possible.  Yet, we must press on!  We must fight on!  We must overcome by the power that is within us, and speak with the authority given us.  Gideon did!

What will you do!

#PastorJDO3