#also why did i not try chinese starbucks ???? i passed by so many and it totally just went over my head lmao

[calpicowater]

Day 280/365: October 7th 2018 | 韭菜包 (Chive Buns??)

Slept from 6am to 3:30pm “last night” LMAO........ literally woke up at 3:30 wtf so LATE...... I ate food, talked to people on text, showered, watched some videos, and suddenly I already had to go to work. Work was a drag, as usual ;0; but yay money I guess LOL. The repetitiveness of night market is making my life seem sort of meaningless??????? :’s (excuse me while I cry.... I wanna travel somewhere or even just go back to China again lmao ToT)

[number9robotic]

9-24-19 Update

 The long-awaited sequel to my 9-22-19 Update!

(plugging my newest pic as an artist tax)

Short version: I’m in physical danger right now.

Long version: My relationship with my parents are breaking down significantly because changes to plans of my living situation, my inability to cope with my depression, anxiety, and other mental/emotional compromises, and the resulting inability to do anything outside my comfort zone like finding a proper job/source of income or going to school. 

As a result, my mom over the course of a few days have been physically threatening me (in public, no less) to send me back to my home in Vancouver while also shaming me for ruining their lives, and I feel legitimately unsafe being in my own home because I don’t know what they’re gonna do to me. All while this happens, my ability to stay motivated as a creator is really being tested.

Fuller version is below this line because I don’t wanna flood the feed and my account with walls of unpleasant text:

Please read my 9-22-19 Update for full context and backstory, there’s a lot of text and I don’t wanna retype it all.

1. THE REAL-LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES GOT WORSE

Yesterday as I was in my weekly therapy appointment, my parents had a renegotiation with each other about that plan I mentioned for my dad to come here and basically repeat the process of my legal anchoring to LA away from my home in Vancouver. Even though I responded with a (resigned) “sure, I’ll do it for you,” suddenly my dad made a conscience decision and told my mom that he changed his mind, because he’s really concerned about my mental well-being and the complete stagnation of my life because of my time here in LA.

This... didn’t go well with my mom, because as usual, this is ultimately about her, I guess. Later that evening, she took me to a Starbucks because she wanted to talk with me about something important, partially as a result of her indeed getting her travel permit document that day. She told me she also talked to her lawyer earlier that day, who said that as it stands, while the case isn’t expected to be finished until April 2020 at the earliest, I’ve technically done all I need to do to be declared a resident of the US, and my job is effectively done. Combined with my dad’s newfound desire to not keep me here any longer, I was told that I could return home.

buuuuuuuuuuuut

She was VERY clearly not happy about this. Despite being the one who decided to talk about this publicly, she had a very loud meltdown as she was explaining this and decided to erupt all of her frustrations not just with herself, but also of me. 

To summarize her very long and confusing tirade, she started to outright force at me “JUST GO BACK TO VANCOUVER! GET A TICKET AND MOVE BACK TOMORROW! JUST GO!!!!”, yet was simultaneously also venting about how much damage this would do to HER and her career; that my lack of presence is a sign of failure on her part as a parent, because she hasn’t been able to get me to go to school or a “real” job or even learn how to drive. Keep this one little bit of info in mind. 

A third argument she was trying to convince me of is that the return to Vancouver for me is only going to fuck ME up, because she doesn’t believe that me returning back to a comfortable place where I’m familiar with and am actually able to get around using public transit (which is so much better than LA, it’s not even a fair comparison) would be better for me and my personal health. She also said that Vancouver’s ability to help me with my mental health is so much worse than that of LA... which... that’s incredibly laughable on so many levels, the least of which is the fact that we spent a several-month assessment process to apply for job assistance because of my autism, only for the result to me to deem me and my autism diagnosis as invalid, but whatever, I guess... 

I responded by telling how incredibly irrational she was acting in her hysterical state (again, in a very public area) with her a bunch about what I felt would help me through this, which I’ll talk about later. Reason not now is because she promptly forgot about it and this morning, SHE DID THE SAME THING AGAIN. This time she invited me to talk at a different Starbucks, asked me about my future, and then had ANOTHER very public meltdown screaming about her and my life problems, but this time it was at a time before McDonald’s stopped serving its breakfast menu.

Once again, she slammed me in my inability/refusal to try anything that would apparently help justify me being here in LA, me ruining her life no matter where I go in the world, and also threatening to send me away to Vancouver. This time I just had to outright leave the conversation because she was getting violent this time; I’m currently typing this in a library and she hasn’t found me yet. This isn’t an entirely new feeling, but currently I am legitimately scared for my future and physical safety.

2. EMOTIONAL HEALTH AND PARENTING

I (re-)explained to her that my problem with all of these personal development hurdles -- my inability to try anything where it feels like the failure of which will be utterly emotionally devastating -- is because I flat-out do not have the ability to deal with it. The entirety of grade school and post-secondary have collectively been the most emotionally devastating times of my life to me, I failed my written exam that’s the first step to get a driver’s licence 5 TIMES, and I have a smattering of emotional, communicative, mental, and physical hinderances preventing me from finding work.

And here’s why that affects me so much: my parents are not emotionally supportive. Mom and dad have outright admitted that due to “Chinese parenting”, “it’s just not my personality”, “I don’t know how to help reassure you” they don’t wish to help me with my emotional problems directly, often times finding it to be the job of others they can then shunt that duty off to, such as therapists, psychologists, counselors, or others. This ignores the fact that my meetings with them are weekly, whereas my greatest exposure to other people come from them, my supposed “loved ones”. I feel like I should be able to go to them for emotional strength. I do not, either because they aren’t capable of or just simply don’t want to be that.

Just to note how little they care about my feelings, I came out to them as nonbinary a few months ago, explained to them what that actually means, that I don’t like my pronouns or birth name at all, and asked for them to respect that. They have yet to comply despite me broadcasting my discomfort constantly, because they simply won’t “get it”.

Yknow... as someone who’s failed a lot in life... I can safely say that the resulting emotional wreckage isn’t fun. 

The thing about being emotionally wrecked is that without any reliable source to go to like family or friends, my only solution is to just wait for my depression to pass... which if anyone knows anything about it, you’d know it’s super-unreliable and can take either a week or a month for me to feel better again, and is incredibly destructive. What I’ve recently realized is how much it utterly fucks with my perception of time and continuity -- depression cuts off my ability to feel anything significant or optimistic, including my ability to perceive a future worth looking up to. As a result, I feel like I’ve wasted A LOT of time in the last few years because nobody has been able to help me with that, at least in my actual time of need.

I’ve made this point to my parents many times throughout the year, and I’ve been desperately trying to communicate to them that the easiest solution to my mental trauma? To actually be there emotionally as loved ones; to help me through that potential sense of failure that I’m so afraid of experiencing again, and for them to comfort me as their child.

This request has pissed off my mom on multiple levels: the first I established already is that she’s constantly claiming she doesn’t know how to/isn’t capable of doing it because “it’s just not me” or “I’m not white mom” or some other crap. The second however is where things got super-confusing: she was also offended that I would ever think that she doesn’t support me on that level, and shared me a bunch of wechats to our extended family supporting my minor hobbies, even though they’ve been sucking really bad (again, please consider my patreon, this is a super-hard time to be motivated as a creator)

So I was like... “You ARE capable of being emotionally reassuring! I want to actually hear it myself!” because she almost never expresses positive emotions; it’s either complete ambivalence or negative frustration. She continued to express negative frustration at this, and at that point I just gave up because at this point it struck me that she just outright doesn’t want to help me with it because she felt like she can shunt the duty to someone else... even though she’s pissed about having to pay them therapy bills to do so. Ugh...

3. EVERYTHING BITES

To summarize: this entire breakdown and my future is emotionally fueled not about my needs like my dad wished, but about my mom’s, who believes that it is far more simple for me to be sent back to Vancouver at her blatant behest, and for me to just “get over” my depression and anxiety to do all the shit she expects me to do which she also believes me to be incapable of doing, than to just... be a caring parent who expresses positive feelings.

And during all of this, she’s also shaming me as a failure who ruins her life no matter what I do.

I am... so exhausted... and it’s super-difficult to stay motivated as a creator these days as a result of it. Fuck, I barely feel safe returning home either in LA or in Vancouver, because I know my mom hates me for it.

I still don’t have friends, and I still have depression and anxiety... and I can’t even ask my mom to be there for me in my time of emotional distress... thanks.

[capybar]

Codeland: My First Conference

Let me tell you: it was an adventure. We need to start at the very beginning.

Arriving in NYC

I (last minute) bought tickets via Grayhound and booked a hotel to the New World Hotel. The Grayhound bus driver didn't accept my e-ticket so I had to dig around my phone for a printable receipt. I landed in Port Authority around 9.30pm on Sunday. But I didn't know how to use the subway and was too anxious to ask for help so I walked from there all the way to the hotel. Of course, my phone ran out of battery so I had to drop by a Duane Reid to purchase an emergency batter pack. The hotel wasn't obscenely far but I am poor with direction, thus I arrived at 11.30pm. The hotel reeked of cigarettes and there was an unkempt mattress propped against a wall along with hand towels strewn in random places. I checked in, got my keys and went to my (very small) room. The bed sheet was disgusting and there was a loud TV blasting the benefits of Chinese healing cream that could make you look significantly younger. I tried to go to sleep but couldn't because I felt super itchy. By 4.45am I gave up, checked out of the hotel and wandered around Bower St. looking for a place to shower. At 6am I stumbled into a YMCA. They were generous and because it was my first time there, let me shower for free. I almost passed out in the shower from sleep deprivation.

At the Conference

Finally after an hours' respite (thanks YMCA!), it was off to the conference! The line to the NYC Skirball was decently sized. Getting inside was easy. The conference was super well organized. I got a small pink tote bag that was filled with goodies (hey Flatiron, thanks for the battery pack). The breakfast was much needed. I was beyond thankful for Flatiron's lattes.

The beginning. talks had dancing-which made me really nervous (I didn't want people to see how visibly sleepy drunk I was).

Luna Malbroux's talk was hilarious. It reminded me of Starbucks' #racetogether movement (one question the Bux posed was: how many people did you eat with who wasn't the same race as you? And how often? Well my brother is a different race and I, a Chinese person, am surrounded by white people so this is often. However, this absolutely doesn't make me more #woke). I loved the fake app and everything about the talk.

Pedro Cruz's speech was inspiring. A lot of the programming hype is around the fat paychech or making beaufitulf design or having a snazzy "programmer" lifestyle, but I love how he talked about an existing problem and how he tried to solve it using existing technology. He's truly made a difference in Puerto Rico, moreso I can easily see his solution being used globally (it probly is). His DronAid tackled many problems, from recieving "Help" messages from people in need, to seeing what they actually needed, to making sure non profits weren't getting redundent information to creating a form of communicatlion between various groups.

I chose Raymond Camden's Real Person's Guide to Vue.js. I'm new to learning JavaScript (I only know HTML and CSS) but I've always wanted to know: why do people always talk about Vue, React and Angular? What's the big deal? Although this talk was aimed towards more advanced web developers (aka not COMPLETE noobies), I gained so much from this workshop (plus cats!! A lot of them!!). I learned how useful Vue could be for acquiring data and also allowing interactions between the user and the site. I've been able to go over his github and Codepen at a (much) slower pace to fully peice together the workshop.

The closing talks were very fun and entertaining. I loved Ali Spittal's talk about blogging (I'm going to try to put real effort). It is necessary for me to explain what I'm learning to someone so I can sort of figure out what I'm learning. It is also a good way to keep myself organized. Building a Gendered Dictionary and An Immigrant's Journey into Tech hit home with me as I think we should consider what we are doing and how they impact society.

Coding is a tool. It's what we do with it that matters.

I didn't go to the afterparty but next year, now that I know better how to plan my trip, I will!

[yujachachacha]

Glad you're feeling better! Though I have to say now I'm super nervous about Rikako. Is it something bad? or just sad?

Ahaha, this is what happens when I have a sudden meltdown over seiyuu feels…

To Anon #1: Thanks! About the Rikyako thing, I guess I kinda overreacted because it took me by surprise (though again, in hindsight I shouldn’t have been all that shocked). As to the nature of it…uh, both? Well, it’s bad to me because it’s something sad, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing itself.

To Anon #2: Hello there! You’re right, I was planning to mention it in a future post. Since your ask was worded so politely though, I’ll actually just go over this part of the video now! And holy crap, you’re like the second person or something who’s told me that about my posts. Thank you! I’ll keep trying my best. :’)

Context for those who missed my spaghetti last night - I was watching a video about Rikyako’s past in the entertainment industry that was kindly submitted to me by @rikakomod. The video was made by a Korean fan who wanted to inform others about how Rikyako debuted long before her role in “Love Live! Sunshine!!”. I then stumbled across a fact that led to me figuring out a possibly sad detail about Rikyako, and I promptly went “NOPE goodbye not gonna deal with these feels, why am I like this???”

Back on track. The video goes over how Rikyako used to do modeling as a child, and was even in an idol group when she was in middle school. I already knew about that. What I didn’t know was that for a brief period in 2007, Rikyako and her mother performed as a comedic duo. Here’s a picture from the video, which appears to show a 14~15-year-old Rikyako with her mother(!!!):

As cute as this image this, that’s not why I freaked out.

It’s the name of their comedic act that held the surprise - a rather sad implication about Rikyako’s personal life. From what I deduced from that fact plus other details I knew about Rikyako, I would hazard to say that the above picture is the entire Aida household.

In other words: I suspect that Rikyako was raised by a single mother.

Explanation under the cut.

So in the video, the OP said that their act was called “모자가정” - which to my eyes, means “Hat Household”. Huh? What the heck kind of name is that?

Then I smacked my forehead and said, “Duh, I should be looking at what 모자 means in hanja (Korean pronunciation of Chinese characters), not Korean, since the OP must’ve translated it straight from Japanese.”

A bit of Googling led me to the conclusion that it stood for 母子, which means “mother-child”. I thought, “Oh okay, they’re a mother-and-daughter duo, so I guess that makes sense. ‘Mother-child household’ is kind of a weird name, but whatever worked for them.”

But then I got curious and decided to look up what the full unit name would be in Japanese. I ended up with 母子家庭 (boshi katei), plugged it into a Japanese dictionary, and came up with this:

…excuse me, what?!

Cue Yujacha going through the 5 Stages of Grief:

Denial: “Haha, I must have just translated this wrong…there’s no way that’s right…even though I’ve checked about three different sources…”

Anger: “Actually, why the heck would you name your comedy duo something like this?! It’s not funny! Being a single mom is not a joke!”

Bargaining: “Maybe it’s just them casually claiming that they’re the real breadwinners of the family? Though, Rikyako did also say in her KaneTomo interview that her mom got married at 19 and gave birth to Rikyako at 20. Oh, but she never said anything about not having a dad! …though she didn’t say anything about having a dad either. And being a young single mom is stressful, which would also explain those vicious fights Rikyako mentioned in the interview as well. Oh my god.”

Depression: “Just recently on UraRaji, Anchan was talking about how her dad was so proud of her that he bought her a new game console. And to think, Anchan was planning on quitting seiyuu work if she didn’t pass the LL audition. I wonder if Rikyako’s dad would’ve been proud of her too, after all those failed idol groups she went through…”

Acceptance: “Well, it wouldn’t be the first time people used tragedy for comedic purposes. Plus, everything I knew about Rikyako before this doesn’t seem to contradict this theory.“

I don’t have anything that explicitly confirms that Rikyako doesn’t have a father. But at the very least, the evidence does seem to indicate that she grew up in a single parent household.

I guess…it just made me feel for her. The entertainment industry is pretty rough in general, but Love Live has a particular knack for picking up cast members who’ve gone through a lot of hardship.

Kussun worked at a maid café. Suwawa, at one point, was a part-timer at a fast food restaurant.

Furirin debuted as a seiyuu in 2014, long before the Sunshine project was announced, but never found any work. Ainya also moved to Tokyo in 2014, and couldn’t find any major jobs for a year either.

Emitsun used to sit in a Starbucks and worry about not finding work as well.

King was able to advance from being an utaite (amateur singer on Niconico; the JP equivalent of YouTube singers) to a professional signed with Victor Entertainment - but her major single had poor sales and she never made it big.

And who could forget Pile? She’s a beautifully talented artist, but she failed to debut not just once, but twice. Without Maki, she would’ve given up her dream to be a singer. Now, instead of being stuck in a white-collar job, Pile has fans around the world who flock to her concerts.

Which leads us to Rikyako. If it’s true that she really did grow up without a dad, that could explain why she’s dabbled in acting, idol activities, and modeling since 2003. Perhaps Rikyako had to help out with bringing money into the household from a young age. Though, it couldn’t have been easy, as she went through multiple talent agencies before ending up at Ken Production.

That’s part of what makes me admire the Love Live seiyuu so much - despite their failures, they pushed on and eventually found something that brought so much joy to their lives, and to millions of fans as well. It’s all thanks to the hard work these girls put in that they’ve come this far and finally found success. But I do also think back to how the tagline for “Love Live! Sunshine!!” when it debuted was “Save us, Love Live!”. For people like Pile, Emitsun, Rikyako, and many, many, others, that’s exactly what this awe-inspiring franchise has done.

[amieyhko]

The Last (for now) Days of Being a Student

29 Oct 2018

Honestly though, my last semester in uni wasn't very studious. I had one course called Sixteenth Century English Literature in which the professor basically mocked all forms of religion and pointed out all the sexy details in Shakespeare's sonnets. For the final exam, which was three essays long, I wrote one very indignant essay about why I needed more women in literature and how all of the supposedly feminist writers in the sixteenth century were full of *$#% (but in a literary chic way). I got an A.

To top off the not-student like behavior, I TA-ed for my advisor's Freshmen English class. I survived a semester before and couldn't be prouder of myself for the job I was doing. It was mostly writing emails to students, making photocopies now and then, and sending reminders to the professor. The most excruciating part probably was correcting their essays' grammar and spelling. My friend said "Why bother? They probably won't read them," to which I retorted "CUZ I LIKE BEING RIGHT!"  On the anonymous end-of-the-term survey, I've received many confessions of love to which I awww-ed and laughed. But most of them genuinely thanked me for the effort I put into emailing them, asking them questions, and drumroll correcting their grammar.

But why bother reading about my boring school life when you can read about what I have been doing not in school! Here is what went down in my life from April - June 2018.

The Diary of Anne Frank

The best way to cure jet lag is to go straight into tech week the following week. I have experienced many ailments from traveling and found jet lag from Europe to Asia is quite the worst. Fortunately, I signed myself up to run the lights for the Butterfly Effect Theatre's production of The Diary of Anne Frank. This was our second run but this play just doesn't get old. Fun fact about this play: this show's original Broadway cast had young Natalie Portman playing Anne. The Diary has been adapted into many plays but this version doesn't deify Anne into a hero figure but truthfully illustrates the inner drama of a teenage girl and the struggles of seven people living in a cramped up space. Honest to God, I cry almost every curtain call.

During the production, I read many young people don't believe that the Holocaust happened—this information killed me a little. It's absurd that someone wouldn't believe in a historical event with monuments and memorial sites all over the world with many primary sources and survivors who are still alive to tell their stories. Don't even get me started on how good some great works of fiction are based on WWII, like The Reader, Everything is Illuminated, and The Fiddler on the Roof… Also, there was a group of high school students in Taiwan that dressed up as Nazi soldiers and marched around the school for an event. Ignorance is not bliss, naïve is not cute—history is there for us to reflect and learn. I somehow took these news very personally, maybe because I grew up listening to the same Bible stories as the Jews, maybe because I cannot stand uneducated people, probably a combination of both.

A representative from Israeli cultural office was invited to open the show (we had free falafels, hummus, and pita during the last run of the show but not this time, insert whimpering). The weekend swooshed by. I was just thankful I could be a part of a show that spoke a story that some started to neglect.

That was the last time I worked with this theatre company because 1. they did have one last show August but I was helping another show the exact same time 2. rent issues with the theatre space 3. the artistic director got a new job in Vienna. He moved early September and he basically sold everything from costumes to lighting equipments. It was a hectic process to watch a theatre company that I truly felt at home turn into a goodbye yard sale. I learned a lot about running low budget shows, programming with too-old consoles, but most of all I made connections with people I know I will meet again in this tiny theatre world.

Fashion Revolution Taipei

April was a month where I went crazy juggling all about. I collaborated with Totes & Tees, a small social enterprise that focuses on ethical and zero-waste fashion. I have been following this small company for a while through a mutual friend and was really interested in what they did. The owner was also going to be one of the hosts for Fashion Revolution 2018 in Taipei. The idea was to have a runway showcasing up-cycled items handmade by many different designers. I was to crochet a beanie from a no-longer-used piece of fabric. Sadly, I couldn't participate on the actual day because I went on a family trip to…

Rome & Paris

To say this was a family trip would be a misleading statement. My parents were there to lead the seminars they have been running for 10+ years. As I mentioned in Update 3.0, their heart is for the Chinese speaking people all over the world. The Asians basically took over a whole hotel on the outskirts of Rome to host Fathers' School and Mothers' School simultaneously. This meant, there needed to be a baby sitting club. Slowly raise your hands if you're a pastor kid you basically did everything that was assumed of you! (Did I volunteer? Did I chose to be their child? We'll never know) No, I'm not being bitter, I just simply love poking fun at my stereotype. Besides, I was asked nicely to participate in taking care of the children—a member from the Taiwan side of the team had activities prepared for them, I just had to support. I said "WHY NOT? I JUST DID THIS A MONTH AGO!"

But, this crowd was tough. It wasn't like calming down super rowdy Hungarian-Romani children nor was it like being dragged around by crazy bubbly Filipino kids. These were well-educated, cellphone-hogging Chinese-looking kids who preferred classily sitting on chairs, not the floor, chattering away in Italian. Of course, they were all embedded in their Chinese-ness from their parents, so they still understood most of what we were trying to do. However, whenever the head teacher asked them to do something extremely "Asian", my TCK heart ached, feeling all the "well, they are NOT going to relate to that at all…."

Because the seminar lasted three out of the five days we were at Rome, we only had enough time to look around the Vatican and trot around to sneak peek here and there. One of the free days was taken over by a tour set up by the local church. They took us around historical sites that were related to the early underground churches and Apostle Paul. We visited way too many cathedrals that all of them started to look the same. The most memorable place was the underground tunnels where the early Christians escaped to and hid from the Romans. Going to a Christian school, we would always play Underground Church when we had class sleepovers—even though it was just a game, the danger felt extremely real. But as I stood in the tunnel, I could actually really imagine how real their fear must have been. I was in awe of the way these early Christians kept their faith even in the dark, cold underground.

After eating one too many cones of gelato and faking one too many Italian conversations in Spanish, we arrived in Paris. They were only going to host Fathers' School so umma and I had plenty of free time. However, being the only linguistically competent person in the group (but honestly, my French is basically nonexistent), I had to take everyone around the city. I was annoyed at having no time to myself and just my parents but thankfully, appa had three days free and the crowd let us be for two of those days.

Paris' reputation really proceeds itself, it's a bit dirty, there are more rude strangers than nice people, and they really hate you if you ask "parlez-vous anglais?". Despite all the negative stereotypes, I took my little tour group all around the places I've researched in advance. I was also allowed to go off on my own when I wore them all out by 5 p.m. I'm proud to say I've actually hit all the touristy places I wanted to visit with and without the group. We even visited Versailles kudos to the fact umma is so internet-savvy that she actually researched. She was very intent on visiting a few places like Château de Versailles, the top of the Eiffel, and the Louvre—her excuse always being "I'm never coming here ever again!"

After two-ish weeks of venturing around Western Europe, we emptied out the 99 cents cheese blocks at the local Carrefour market, squished it into our luggage, and sat on a long plane ride. Umma commented that I seem to be the "vacation type", she couldn't understand how I could still be so chipper being gone from home so long. Although her observations were accurate, I wouldn't have wanted to stay longer unless I started taking French classes or something—the language barrier was devastating.

Sharon McGill Memorial Service

My dorm mother passed away from cancer last fall. Her favorite drink at Starbucks, toffee nut latte, just came round again. I received the news via McGill dormie Facebook group while I scrolled through my phone during class, bad idea. My commute back home that day seemed five times longer than usual. Halfway through my walk home from the bus stop, I ran into umma. She asked if I wanted to go to Costco with them, then asked why I don't look so well. I honestly had no clue how to break the news. Appa's car rolled around to pick us up for Costco, I said Sharon died, we cried a little and had a moment of silence. I always thought about how umma and Sharon, appa and Terry are the same age. My mums and dads. They are some of the most important people of my life and one of them was gone.

I'd like to think I had enough time to process through this situation. Then I'd realize that not all valleys in life are empty holes. You don't just get over it. You live with their memories. Some days will pain you more than others but they're there to remind you that you are that much alive. You can still feel. As cheesy as I'm starting to sound, this is something I have been needing to remind myself lately.

After what seemed like too long, the day of Sharon's memorial service came. I hopped on the familiar bus from Taipei to Taichung. Visiting high school wasn't a big deal but I've never thought I'd visit because my dorm mum passed away. The auditorium was filled. Dorm kids had priority seats. Terry gave a bear hug to everyone who made it. The whole thing began with Terry mumbling to the mic "Alright, let's get this over with," to which I definitely chuckled. I didn't even bother holding back my laughter or tears or both as they came and went throughout the service. At the end, I could just feel this was a closure that everyone who knew Sharon deserved. I cannot describe what kid of feeling that was. The feeling of home? Feeling of clear certainty. Maybe everyone's love for Sharon somehow became a tangible atmosphere. I must say it almost felt like a wedding.

During the reception, there was a photo time where Terry was huddled around 30-something out of 120-something of his dorm children. Later on he said that was the highlight of his day. He also said no one was allowed to leave the dorms before midnight, to which most of us complied to. Most of the dorm kids that showed up all graduated around '02 or '03 so I was just a little bit very intimidated, mostly because I forgot the fact that we were all bound by the similar experiences of studying in Morrison while living in a dorm with the same dorm parents. It was a good evening to be a McGill Dormie.

Bye Hair Day

I have been notorious for the way I treat my hair. If you know the song "Grace Kelly" by Mika, well, in the chorus, he is singing about my hair circa 2013-2015. Then I stopped. I hated the way my hair felt dry and crinkly, I wanted my normal long hair back. I also remembered I've always wanted to donate my hair to a cancer foundation. It was just something I wanted to cross off my bucket list. So I've been growing my hair out ever since—it took way longer than I thought. Throughout my hair growth, two significant people in my life died from cancer. It felt like I had way more reason to donate now.

June 16th was the date. My friend also wanted to join in. We found Little Princess Trust, an organization that gives out free wigs to young girls who have lost their hair due to illnesses. Their guidelines said they love receiving longer hair because they're more popular. After some measuring I decided to get a buzz cut so that I could maximize the length of hair I could donate. Besides, I've been wanting to have crazy buzzed hair after a couple of years of freakishly long hair. Fickle me, I know.

My hair stylist washed my hair way thoroughly, dried it for what seemed like an hour, tied it up into sections, and snip, it was in a plastic bag. My buzz cut buddy and I couldn't stop rubbing our heads the following few days.

But my oh my, I did not know that a head of hair was keeping me warm all this time. I was constantly dealing with extremely cold overhead AC on buses and I eventually caught a really bad cough for three plus weeks. I now never leave my house without a hat of some sort.

My hair has become so short that I have been tracking my days with hair length. My best friend, Fanny keeps saying it's like watching a little infant grow every week. I told her to stop being so overly dramatic.

oh dear, this is getting real long

Instead of asking how someone's day was, Sharon would ask us three things: 1. what was the low point of your day? 2. high point? 3. what have you learned today? or what do you think Jesus is teaching you today?

So to boil down my April to June into a few pointers, it sucked that I got really sick for almost a month, but I loved getting to travel and do a lot lot lot of things. I'm learning that well-done goodbyes are possible. Currently, I'm learning to do just that—slowly closing up gaps responsibly, honestly, and kindly. God is also teaching me that I'm allowed to chose and do what I love (but more on that next update).

Thank you for catching up on my life, I promise the next post will be just as long.

[lookatthedawn]

Leaving These Shores...

Tuesday, May 30th, 2017.  What a glorious day! Katrina is taking me to JFK airport in New York.  Trisha and JeanLuc, Daisy and Maggie are coming too.  I intend to finish two books on the way, which were things on my "Before Leaving" list that I was unable to do. I finish The Shoemaker's Wife and rush through the last pages of  Buddha and The Borderline.  There are only 10 pages left when we arrive at the airport and I have to go.  I'll definitely borrow it from the library again as soon as I get back.   Katrina is a beautiful driver.  Even more so when she is driving my economic Prius.  JeanLuc, Trisha, Daisy, and Maggie are excellent sleepers.  Really, I have pictures to prove it.  Arriving at JFK I recognize a beautiful woman being picked up by a black car.  When she looks at our direction I see that it’s Cindy Crawford!  She has a pleasant, down-to-earth demeanor, and an easy smile on her face. 

There are no tears at the airport because this is a joyous occasion. I'm living a dream!

Okay, a little problem: Just because my flight stops on Canadian territory, I must get Canadian authorization to board the plane.  That's because I'm Brazilian, traveling with a Brazilian passport. The whole process is done online and takes about forty-five minutes, cost me $7 and is valid for the next five years.  I think of Trudeau and pay with a smile on my face hoping he does some good with my money.   I don't even leave the plane in Vancouver, I just watch as it vomits most passengers but immediately fills its belly again.  Only the menu has changed, from Western to Eastern.  Passengers are speaking in different Oriental languages, none of which I can understand.  The flight attendants also speak Chinese (I guess), but they know enough English to remind me to order vegan meals twenty-four hours before departure next time. For this flight, I'll have the fruit salad and the bread. Hold the butter. Thank you!   For the next fourteen hours, I try to sleep.  Not being particularly successful, I give it up and read instead.  I (finally) finish The Warrior Woman and then sleep precious little, waking up often, before we land in Hong Kong.  I'm not ready, but planes usually are ready to land before I am.  Besides, I have a long layover in Hong Kong to which I'm not exactly looking forward.  All I want is to get some sleep, so I decide to get to my gate and wait until the time to board the plane to Vietnam.   Well, that's how naive I am.  My flight hasn't even been assigned a gate and they are not exactly in a hurry to do so.  Lack of sleep is getting to my head and I am deeply confused about the time.  Of course, I have World Clock on my phone, but when I start doing the math, taking into account the time I left Massachusetts, then New York, then Vancouver, then Hong Kong... I end up confused about how long had it been since I left home.  Here it's the morning of June first.  So, where did May 31st go?  Oh, yes I'll get that half day back when I return.  Good, I can use it. So, here I am, Hong Kong, June 1st.  The airport is packed.  I exchange money, turning a few dollars into millions of Vietnamese Dong.  I realize that until now I have taken the American perspective about wealth, thinking that in order to be a millionaire I had to have millions of dollars!  That's an absurd notion.  The word is "millionaire", people, not dollarnaire, or milliondollanaire.  If I have a million I'm a millionaire, and that's just what I have become in Hong Kong.  All it took was cross the Pacific to turn me into a millionaire many times over.  Had I known that, I'd have done that long time ago.  Well, now I know and so do you, that sometimes it's just silly to live by the notions of our own culture without seeing what else is out there.   I realize I should have exchanged some US Dollars into HK Dollars, but didn't think of that.  I charge my laptop and phone, connect with friends and family, and spend some time writing.  I'm suddenly terribly hungry and since I still haven't exchanged money, I use a credit card to eat some rather nice Hong Kong noodles.  There's a McDonald's in the HKIA, but I didn't come all this way to eat at McDonald's. The HKIA is huge and modern and they are still building around, possibly to expand it.  It's also busy with mostly Asians but enough Westerns to warrant the existence of places like Starbucks, Victoria Secret, and Seven Eleven.  Many airport workers are wearing anti-pollution masks. Pollution doesn't seem to be a problem in the airport per se so I ask a lady why she is wearing a mask and she replies, in broken English, 'many people sick'.  There isn't an epidemic or anything, but she sees people from all over the world and that exposes her to all kinds of viruses.  It makes sense. Most people at the HKIA speak English, at least a little.  There are a lot of teenagers traveling in groups. Some are color-coordinated and have some things written in their t-shirts that suggest an organization is behind their traveling experience. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that it's only two weeks before the end of the academic year or maybe they are coming back from a Dragon Boat Festival somewhere. They are no different than most American teenagers, they giggle a lot and take a million selfies, together and separated. They also have a great attitude; nobody seems tired, hungry or sleep deprived.   About two hours to board I decide to ask help.  I am told that Vietnam Airlines, the one I'm traveling with, operates from the other side of the terminal.  I am directed to take the train, turn this way and that, take the escalator and I will see the gate.  I do as I am told but don't find the gate.  I decide to ask for more help and am told to go back to where I was.  That was a train ride and three more escalators plus a lot of walk with all my luggage.  Did I mention the lack of sleep? At least I'm no longer hungry! Back to where I originally was, I ask help from the efficient-looking attendant who told me the gate would probably be assigned within the next half hour.  And it is.  She tells me where it is, and although it is a long way away, it is the right one.  A rude guard tells me "we're not boarding yet, take a seat over there!" and I do. Sometimes I let people be rude to me.  Only very rarely do I talk back.  It might not be very kind of me, but most of the time I let them live with their own rudeness.  I walk away and all they can remember is their own voices, not mine.  Sometimes I pity them because they must be an awful company to themselves. Anyway, there is a guy speaking in Portuguese on the phone and I want to say hello but he is talking earnestly to the person on the other end and I decide not to interrupt such passionate dialogue.  We are called to board and get in line but don't board right away.  They just want to see if we know how to queue.  I think we pass the test.  A guard came looking at all passports and boarding tickets.  He examines my ticket, checks my Brazilian passport, and tells me to go to the counter, where I am told that I can go on the business line.   I don't know why, because both lines go to the same place, namely, a bus.  I am surprised.  Nobody told me anything about riding a bus from Hong Kong to Hanoi, so what's going on?  The business line goes first, but there are no seats in this bus anyway, and then economy class comes and we are full.  This is all very unrefined, which is a stark contrast to the upper level of HKIA, with its Chanel and Calvin Klein stores.  It was unbearably hot inside the bus, and we just stand there, nicely packed under the 80+ Hong Kong weather.  The wait isn't long, it only seems so. The bus takes us to a point in the middle of the terminal where a small plane awaits.  We are quickly escorted in and fly to Hanoi in little over two hours.  The plane is small and simple, but even with such a short flight, they offer a nice meal.  The Vietnamese staff is also very pleasant, so I decide right then that I will like Vietnam.

[sarahinzhuhai-blog]

Week 3--gettin sick as heck in zhongguo

Before I get started, one thing about the competition on Sunday from last weeks post: one thing that really bothered me was that people were just talking/generally being loud as people played during the competition. While mostly this felt wrong to me, it was very funny when someone played Old MacDonald and a group of kids started singing along. ///////// Okay, now for week 3. Oh boy, week 3 was a LOT, so buckle up. // Last Sunday night as I was blogging, I felt the beginnings of a cough and decided to ignore it and stay up late. MISTAKE. I woke up Monday morning feeling very ~~toasty~~ and generally like garbage, pushed myself to go to school (my mom drove me), and got there very early. Since my host family didn't have a thermometer at home, Queen Isabel said we could check at school... After falling asleep in one of the chairs on the second floor, Isabel and later Sihong came. To my surprise, Sihong whipped out a mercury thermometer (!) that you put in your armpit (!!) for five minutes...that was definitely a new experience. I muddled through class, slept through every break, had some dumplings for lunch and quickly slept again until afternoon class. Afternoon class was 谁是卧底 (Who is the spy?) again (yay!!), then I went home and went directly to sleep. // Tuesday morning was worse. Now don't worry, I'm not just gonna keep talking about being sick...Tuesday morning is where the story gets spicy. My moms conclusion from feeling my forehead was that I definitely had a fever, but I went to school to check with the thermometer. After another hour long nap upstairs (which got very awkward when a random group of guys assembled for no apparent reason, we looked at each other, said no words, and then they left), the thermometer confirmed that I definitely did have a fever and we decided to go to the clinic on campus! Yay! // The clinic was nothing like any doctor I've been to in America. It was in a small house-looking building on campus, and definitely nothing like the sterile environments I'm used to seeing in the states--open windows, mosquitoes, etc. Also, while the doctor was asking me questions (and by asking questions, I mean asking questions at me as I blankly stared back until Sihong or Isabel helped me), she was also seeing another patient--a police officer with high blood pressure who she was telling to stop smoking/drinking but who kept insisting that he could just take medicine. After consulting with the doctor (nurse? I have no idea), she said they wanted to do some blood tests. Oh boy, blood tests! This was actually really cool because they have a machine that tests almost immediately (I got the results within 5 minutes) for a certain set of bacterial infections. Some fun and notable differences: Instead of drawing from the arm, they drew from the hand. Also they used iodine to disinfect, and I got to use a ~fun qtip thing~ to stop the bleeding afterwards. The final verdict: I didn't have any scary disease, just a nasty cold. They prescribed me an antiviral and some traditional medicine (a powder to mix with hot water and drink) and sent me on my way. Isabel accompanied me home (I would describe that trip as her being very productive and me being very sweaty and completely out of it) and I spent the rest of the day sleeping. // On Wednesday, Isabel gave me permission to sleep as late as I could, so I woke up around 7, got ready slowly and was late to school. I made it through morning classes and lunch, but by lunch I was feeling pretty exhausted again and I decided to go home to rest instead of pushing through afternoon classes and culture class, the reason being that on Thursday we had a trip to Shenzhen! I went home, got some much needed rest, and almost forgot to pack for Shenzhen. At one point (around 10pm), my parents were talking pretty loudly and I had to ask them if they could be more quiet. I felt really rude for asking that, but I also really needed to sleep, so I apologized in the morning. Also, the TCM tea was not as bad as everyone said it would be. // Thursday morning, I headed to school to meet up for the Shenzhen trip. I was hittin the squat pot every thirty minutes and still coughing a ton, but that wasn't going to stop me. We met at the bus stop, and after a trip to the canteen bathroom that I will never forget, we headed to the train station. We took some sort of fast rail (sorry, I only know the Chinese name), first to Guangzhou, and then to Shenzhen after a ~30 minute layover. The Guangzhou station was very impressive, both terms of size and number of people. Fun train station activities: 1) almost falling in the gap at the Tangjia station; 2) watching Anthony order one drink at the Guangzhou Starbucks and receive a very different one. Both trains were very, very nice; the first train had me seated next to some random guy, so I mostly napped when the baby in our car wasn't crying, but I was next to Isabel on train 2, so I talked a bit with her and ate some of Garrett's snacks (thanks Garrett). Before I knew it, we had arrived in Shenzhen. // The first thing we did was eat lunch at the station inside this huge food court. Maya and I had some really good soup dumplings (my first time trying soup dumplings and my fifth time eating dumplings in four days) and fruit. When we sat down to eat, we repelled whoever was sitting at the table too. After lunch, we took the metro to another area of town and headed to the hotel. The first thing we saw after getting above ground were these huge pink buildings and lots of skyscrapers. Definitely a different vibe from Zhuhai or my own town. After getting to the hotel, we spent a while waiting downstairs for rooms to finish getting cleaned. Our group is always very lively, and that day was no exception, so the wait definitely wasn't boring. Eventually, the rooms were ready and they sent us off to rest for thirty minutes. Lexi and I headed upstairs to check it out. // The hotel was definitely an experience. Like many hotels here that say the room is non-smoking, our room was very smoky, but the weirdest thing was that the bathroom wasn't its own room, it was in this outcropping of glass (apparently other rooms weren't like this?). After figuring out what was going on and checking out some of the more questionable items that were on sale in the room, Lexi and I bopped to some kpop before heading downstairs. // After our group reconvened, we headed off to this building called "Book City" and were split into groups. My group was Tully, Abigale, Josh, David and I, with Sihong as our leader. Our group was very divided [@ yk/Hannah the congruency levels were a bit small] as to what we wanted to do: some wanted to go shopping, some said they really didn't like art museums while I would have liked to see one, some wanted to make the trek to the PingAn Financial Center while others didn't think it was worth the effort. We decided to first check out the Shenzhen museum. On the way over, we got a chance to see a lot of really cool buildings, as we were passing through what appeared to be Shenzhen's cultural center; the concert hall was very neat, and I was very impressed by city hall. City hall was a gigantic metal building with a swooping yellow and red roof and a gap in the middle that framed some of the city behind it and the Chinese flag. I'll post pictures when I get the chance to upload them from my camera. Abigale also slipped in a mystery puddle, which is never good. // After arriving at the museum, I learned that Shenzhen has a very interesting history: it is the fourth largest city in China by population, but almost all of its development took place in the last 35 years, as it was turned into a special economic zone where a lot of government regulations over trade/economic ~affairs~ were lifted. Between the museums signs and Sihong answering my questions, I was able to learn quite a bit, but I would have liked to spend more time there; we only checked out one exhibit in the three floor museum. However, it seemed like my group members were ready to go, so after some discussion, we headed back to Book City. // We decided to spend an hour in Book City, and I have to say, shopping is usually boring but that was definitely not the case at 书城。Besides a gigantic bookstore and music store, they sold everything from milk tea to wooden toys to instruments. Josh and I spent the majority of our time perusing the books, the music offerings, and playing some of the instruments at the music store (as well as tuning others）. We also found a dinosaur egg to take pictures in that was 100% intended for little kids, but that didn't stop us. After meeting up with the group again, we decided to go walking around and check out some more of the neat places in Shenzhen. // At first, we stayed close to Book City. We checked out some of the nearby buildings and went back to city hall. In the space in the middle of city hall, there were lots of people; some were practicing some sort of performance, others just hanging out. [Side note: The use of public spaces here is so different from America; here, I see people on the street and meeting with friends at all hours, and ladies dancing in the squares....in America, at least in my hometown, I don't think I've ever seen something like that. Anyways, back to Shenzhen.] While we passed through city hall, a group of kids came up and talked to us. After realizing I could speak enough Chinese to talk to them, they immediately began asking lots of questions, wanting to know where I was from, how old I was, why I came here, how I got here, etc. They were all very nice and excited to talk, and we took some pictures together before my group headed off. // While some of us were okay with staying relatively close by, a couple kids really wanted to go check out PingAn, since it is one of the tallest buildings in the world and has an observation deck that is almost as high as the one in the Burj Khalifa. First, we agreed to head in that direction, but eventually we just ended up going all the way over. On the way, we saw the Shenzhen stock exchange, which was a very imposing black building. There were several really cool statues around it, designed by a famous artist who designed the Beijing 2008 Olympics logo. Then we continued on our way to the financial tower. // The tower was, as expected, gigantic. I had to look at an almost 90 degree angle to see the top, and when the wind moved the clouds around it, it felt like the tower was moving. We couldn't stand too close to the building (the security officer kept having to tell us not to do things), and the observation deck wasn't open, but it was still a sight to see. // Then it was time for the trek back to Book City to meet the other groups. Long story short, we went the wrong way, started to correct our mistake, then got lazy because we had walked 7+ miles that day and ran across 8 lanes of traffic instead of finding an underpass or crosswalk...when in China. // After dinner, we went outside and did a little bit of 广场舞，which translates to "square dancing" and refers to the groups of people (typically older ladies) who dance in parks and squares in the morning and night. This particular group, however, was going hard and doing all sorts of aerobic stuff, so I was lowkey exhausted. After a few minutes of that, we went back into Book City and watched a bunch of kids singing. I have to say, our group was probably the most supportive of the performers, but we also got a lot of attention ourselves...throughout all of our time at book city, I caught several people taking pictures of us (at this point, instead of ignoring it I do a peace sign so they know I saw). // After watching a couple acts, it was time to go on a "hike" to the top of this hill/mountain. My group joked that while the mountain had looked like a hill this morning, after our walking adventure it looked like Mt Everest. As we walked up the stone steps, Maya and I were the caboose of the group, also known as the feeling-sick-and-trying-not-to-drop-crew. But we made it up, and it was absolutely gorgeous! You could see all the city lights, and it was overwhelming to think that all of that development happened in just a few decades. There was also a pretty big statue of Deng XiaoPing (the guy who took over after Mao and is responsible for the Shenzhen development). There were also bats, which I've never seen. We took a picture and some of the other people on the mountain also took out their cameras to take a picture of us as we posed... // We also had a mini birthday party for Zack and Maggie on the top of the mountain. We got yelled at the police officers because we were definitely not supposed to have flames up there, and someone commented that it's not really a complete trip to China unless you get in an encounter with the police (hmm). Anyways, no real trouble was had and we continued with our festivities under the watchful eyes of the officers. Now, for this next bit, you need some context. Here, a lot of guys (particularly older guys who have a bit of a belly) will pull up their shirts over their stomach because it helps to keep cool. Queen Isabel told us that her study abroad group one year had taken to calling this the 北京肚子(běijīngdùzi，aka the Beijing Stomach or Beijing Belly if you like alliteration)...well, our group found this hilarious so we adopted the name. There's also a phrase, 小鲜肉，which literally means small/young fresh meat, and means exactly what it sounds like (specifically used to refer to younger men). So you can imagine the hilarity that ensued when, under the watchful eye of the officers, we convinced Garrett (and maybe David, I can't remember) to whip out the Beijingduzi while saying "小鲜肉”. // After a little bit, we headed down the mountain and Maya and I once again took the back. While we were heading down the mountain,Zack went into the woods and then hopped out to scare Princess Isabel, which was very effective and very funny. On our trips up and down the mountain, we saw people doing everything from Taiji to singing Karaoke, despite the fact that the sun had set long ago. I love how active and alive public spaces feel here, and that's something I'm definitely going to miss. // Before I knew it, we were at the hotel. After some more kpop and a quick shower, I was asleep and ready for the next day. // The next day (Friday) was incredibly different and probably one of the most perspective-altering experiences I have had here. After a breakfast of 包子 (at a restaurant whose publicly posted health rating had the "😑" emoji on it), we first headed to this street called 华强北 (Hua Qiang Bei, these are probably the wrong characters..oops) which is the number 1 electronic products street in China. 130,000 people work there and it's a place for a lot of young people to start businesses. Between the weather (a bit of wind and not so hot because we were shaded by tall buildings), I had a great time. Anthony and I explored, taking in everything from the dozens of fake Apple stores to this internet café/bar we found that had a full competition and competition viewing setup. My only complaint: the McDonalds ice cream machine was broken (was it 10am when we asked? Yes. Am I ashamed? No). // After meeting up again, we took the bus to an area called 百石州，where we met with an American anthropologist who was going to guide us through the area. As we started the walk, she asked us to not speak and to quietly document what we saw, whether that be with writing, drawings, pictures or video. What we saw then was like nothing I've ever seen before, which says less about the area and more about how much privilege I have had. 百石州 was a poor and very, very densely populated area. The buildings were what were known as handshake buildings, which means that they are so close together that you can shake hands through the window with someone in a neighboring building. Wires upon wires were strung across the alleyways, and rubble and trash were ubiquitous. During the time we were walking, I'll be honest: I wanted nothing more than to get out; it smelled awful, I was uncomfortable on many different levels, and I wanted to go back to the comfort of the day and weeks before. One of the most striking sites, for me, was when we were on the roof of a building and could see the contrast between the building we were on (and the ones surrounding it) and, probably less than two miles away, the ever growing set of brand new buildings that are the trademark of Shenzhen's rapid economic development. Other things that I saw on the trip: lots and lots of people going about their lives, whether that be storekeepers, the people at the meat market we passed through, or the little girl in a pink dress who I saw heading off to school; empty flat houses that, according to Mary Anne (the anthropologist), were inhabited several decades ago after a history that I'm not super clear about (it involved supplying water to Hong Kong, different local and immigrant groups, and the communist/capitalist conflict); and poop just chilling on the road. I have many pictures of what I saw that definitely do a better job illustrating than I am doing here, but I have a problem with the pictures as well: Garrett pointed out that taking pictures of people and their way of life there, treating it as a sight to be seen or a microenvironment to be examined, feels bad and wrong, and I agree...yet I took those pictures anyways, which has left me with a lot of bad feelings and is part of the reason this blog is so late. // At the end of the trip, we met up at a coffee shop, and Mary Anne had us write about our thoughts and feelings. Mine were all negative, and continued to be so until Mary Anne told us that the whole place would be destroyed in 5 years as Shenzhen continues to develop. She then explained to us the rich history of the area, and how hundreds of thousands of years people live within this tiny area. She mentioned the many different sites that we had passed, and I realized that in my discomfort and general not-wanting-to-be-there, I had missed out on so many great things. She also talked about some of the logistics of having an area like this, which I would have never thought about, i.e. getting food in and getting trash out. One of the most interesting things to me was the Christian church that we passed (couldn't go in that day)...apparently, churches have to register with the government and follow certain rules, but from what I understood, enforcement of those sorts of rules isn't really a thing in 百石州, so the church continued to exist. // After she spoke with us about the area, Mary Anne showed us a video on a project they did where they tried to get the ���石州 community involved in an art project, and then got that art project into the Shenzhen Art Museum, which is a big deal because apparently the art museum is pretty boujee. I also got to meet a dancer who is visiting from Uganda and choreographing a dance that combines different cultures' styles, and a PhD student who was very nice (I can't remember what he was studying because as I'm this part of the blog 2 weeks after that day). Anthony, Maya, and I stayed back a few minutes to talk more with MA, the dancer, the PhD student and another lady who was living in 百石州，but then we had to go...after waiting with Emily as others bought some snacks, we headed on the bus and started the 3 hour drive (traffic) back to Zhuhai. As quickly as it had changed to the atmosphere of 百石州，Shenzhen first became the highly developed area I had first seen it as, and then morphed to ports and mountains as we exited via bridge. On the ride back, we talked about what we miss most about America and the time we've had here. I accidentally went into a guys bathroom, got some weird looks, and before we knew it, we were back in Zhuhai. I headed home, exhausted from the last 48 hours. // On Saturday, my family told me they had to go to Guangzhou to see a contact lens specialist, so I was on my own to either stay in or go out. After falling asleep while trying to do homework, I made plans with Lexi to go to Gongbei again. On the bus there, I noticed this girl was wearing a BIGBANG bracelet, and then I ended up spending a few minutes talking with her and her friend about which kpop groups they like. After arriving, I met up with Lexi and her little brother (and later her sister and sisters friend) and we explored and shopped. This time at Gongbei was very different from the last...everything was much less overwhelming and confusing, nor did it seem as unusual as it did when I had only been in China for three days. My bargaining skills, however, were just as bad as before because I have had 0 practice....oh well. I got a Luhan (a Chinese pop star who I am a fan of and whose face is literally everywhere here, including all the line 69 buses) hat that has a 0% chance of being real, and Lexi got some glasses that her sister helped us bargain down. Her little brother was bored out of his mind. We also got this really cool ice cream that had this a cooling liquid underneath it that was letting off gas (like dry ice but not), and generally had a great time. After we finished, we walked all the the way over to this hotel because it has literally the best public bathroom I've seen in China, and then headed home. That night, I watched my sisters favorite TV show with her, and they played "Who's the Spy?"! This was very exciting because I was able to understand almost the whole thing, which was a first for TV watching (usually I just stare at the screen and pretend I have any remote idea of what's happening). // Sunday, we went to the second round of my sisters competition, and she blew the other kids out of the water. One of the judges even took a video of her as she played. For context, she's playing a famous Mozart sonata (and not one of the simpler ones) at age 9 while other kids are playing The Happy Farmer. Later, we found out that she scored a 9.5/10 which was the second highest score across the entire competition. Tl;dr, my host sister is awesome. After her performance, we picked up one of her piano teachers (apparently she has two? Language barrier stopped me from understanding more), and met her friend and friends mom for lunch, which was a bunch of delicious small dishes (from roasted goose and chicken feet to sweet walnut buns). I spent most of the lunch not understanding, like I do during most meals...I feel like I tend to just tune out if I'm not being spoken to, which is not great for my language skills or socializing. Eventually, I did talk to the piano teacher a bit, and she used a lot of words that I had definitely never heard before. // After lunch, we saw Macao across the river as we drove the piano teacher home. Then, I met up with Lily (Katie's language partner), Anthony, and Nina (Anthony's language partner) to go do pottery. Lily also brought two Egyptian guys who are here doing volunteer work involving 3D printing and the disabled. They were very funny and friendly, and we later met several other people that were part of their program. It's a good thing everyone had a good sense of humor, because our pottery was a mess. After the teacher helped me (aka basically made it himself) create a nice looking pot, I wanted to try myself...by the end of my tries, my clay was so wet I couldn't form it and I came full circle: I had to ask the teacher to help me make something that wasn't just a blob. Anthony actually ended up creating something pretty cool (after the teacher rescued his piece), while Ahmad...well, Ahmad tried his best and made a smooth solid blob 😂😂 Anyways, we had a great time. I decided to write my language partners name on the pot, but the clay was so wet that the writing was a mess...it's the thought that counts. // After we were done and my legs were sufficiently splattered in clay, Nina, Anthony, Lily and I headed to dinner inside a close-by mall. We had buckwheat tea (I think), dumplings, this vermicelli noodle dish, and a not-a-pancake-but-called-a-pancake that actually reminded me of Mexican food. Everything was very very good, and we talked about our high school lives in America and how they differ from China (aka we talked about Anthony's love life). After dinner, we went around the mall because Anthony needed to buy hairspray, I had another bathroom experience I'd like to forget, and Nina and I both got ice cream. Then we headed over to Maan coffee, which almost everybody in the program but me has gone to, and now I understand the hype--it was gorgeous, filled with lots of different lamps and chandeliers. I was full after my somewhat disappointing ice cream, so I just had some water, but had a nice time relaxing there. // As it was time to go home, I crossed the street with Lily and Nina to go to the bus stop. Now, when you have an 8 lane road like this one, there's often two crosswalk signs, one in the middle and one on the end. I didn't realize the middle one was red as I saw the green on the far side, so that's how we ended up walking into 4 lanes of moving traffic. I felt grateful that I was in a group, because I think traffic might not have stopped if it were just me...I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but in China cars don't really stop to let pedestrians cross, pedestrians find a way around cars. Luckily, besides a few honking cars and a deer-in-the-headlights moment, we made it across unscathed and I headed home!!/ Okay, that's it! Only two weeks late, woohoo!

[ecotone99]

[RF] Day Off

​

Thursday morning. I got ready for plans I knew my friend would cancel on. He wasn’t feeling up to it he eventually said after talking about bills that had just come out. ‘That’s grand, no worries’, I said half meaning it. He would often cancel closely held plans at the last minute, and I knew why but he never spoke about it unless he had 2 or 3 pints in him. Even then, they were soundbites.

I sat on the edge of my bed with one sock on, yesterday’s contents of my bag strewn across the duvet. But I felt defiant. Emboldened. I finished getting dressed, threw a few things into my bag and left the house. I was in a mood that was alien to me. I had only felt it a handful of times in college and never knew what to do with it. A kind of hollowness radiated from my chest, but I had new eyes and I didn’t care what happened anymore. I was going to have a date with myself in the city because I can, because I never could. I figured I would have a lot of days on my own in the city when I moved to New York in the summer, so this would be good practice. Dublin is more a town than a city anyway; a friendly introduction to cities.

Rain was lightly spitting, just enough to force your eyes to squint and blink a lot the way broken sunlight through sparse trees on a motorway would. I walked through my tiny town that was only recently a village. But for a handful of people going from one bookie to another, and some parked cars, the town was dead. I ended up in the new housing estate for rich people that was probably 15 years old, and took the walk it had down along the Liffey. I had decided I was going to meditate by the river. I walked along its bank for about 5 minutes searching for the best place to be and not be. I found a felled tree and put my bag on it and found myself quite comfortable. I scanned from the top of my head to my toes. My back ached. I opened my eyes after about 10 minutes and there was no red in the world. The river, the bank, the field, the sky, all hues of yellow, green, blue. Then my eyes adjusted and red crept back in. A little bird on the opposite side of the river was washing itself in the water and having a great time. So was I. I thanked it, gave a half-smile-nod to the river and collected my bag and left.

2 minutes down the river, I took out my joint and smoked half and checked the buses. I missed it. Next one was 30 minutes away. Fine, no rush. Why rush? I put on my headphones and heard the muffled rain get thicker. I felt the half joint start to hit pretty hard when I put a podcast on and my phone died. ‘Oh, well. Wait, no. I’m going into the city. I need my phone. Maybe it would be nice to be without it? I’m definitely going to get mugged and not be able to call home. What’s the time?’ I felt no grounding in time. The conversation in my head took about 10 minutes but I had only walked a few metres. My heart began thumping. ‘Fuck if I’m getting a whitener off half a joint. Fucking Chinese weed. The bus is half an hour a way, and the journey then is an hour. That’s grand. I’ll be grand by then. And I’ve been in town many times on my own for college. But fuck talking to a bus driver. What if I puke my ring up on him? Should I just go home? I can’t see my mam like this. Just walk and breathe.’ So I did, feeling more and more like someone you’d tell your kids not to talk to by the second. I was sure either my heart would break my ribs or I’d pass out before it could. Then I got on the main road. Cars. Dog-walkers. Civilisation. I can breathe again. At least if I pass out here someone will notice. The walk was entirely automatic from there which was good for feeling a bit more normal and safe but also bad because it got me back in my head again. I stood alone at a traffic light and pressed the button. No cars anywhere. No Green Man. Just rain scattering by a glowing Red Man, carrying his glow a little further than he could alone. People entered and exited the Tesco opposite. They must think I’m strange: no traffic, so why just stand there? I could feel their eyes on me, their eyes that were clearly nowhere near to looking at me. I crossed the road when the rain’s trail went from red to green and, as if as soon, the rain dried up and roaring hot sun belted down. April’s weird. The light blue with white clouds above me was besieged on all sides by angry, dark blue-grey clouds and no bees.

At last, I could see the bus stop. I made it, and with 4 minutes to spare. Success. Then it came and I hopped on after an entirely normal interaction with the bus driver that I didn’t even need to replay in my head. I sat upstairs in the front two seats on the left. It was far too hot but I made it and there was a plug socket by my seat so I charged my phone. Just like the blue sky that opened up amongst the dark clouds, I could feel my whitener anxiety leaving me. I put my ‘Pure Class Tunes’ playlist on and watched the sunny journey in my new stoney glow.

*

Being in the city for any length of time always gives me dry lips and a headache. It always feels like there’s grime or dust on my face. I can feel it in my nose. The Japanese tourists got it right wearing those medical masks about the city. They wear them if they have a cold or a flu or some kind of ailment so as not to pass it on. Something the West wouldn’t think to do. It’s different in the Far East, their society evolved differently. They’re much more communal, a mind for each other. Still though, I like to think they wear the masks because of the pollution, as if it vindicates me, nodding knowingly in my mind to any Japanese people I walk by wearing one.

I always wash my hands and face as soon as I get home. Wash cloth, roasting hot water, exfoliating passion fruit face wash. The city always forces its way into my home so I have to scrub it away. My face would be flush red afterwards but I could breathe again. Then into comfy clothes and on with the kettle for a cup of tea.

It was the bus in particular that felt the dirtiest. When you’re on a Bus Éireann in the early evening, when the sun goes kind of golden, when it gets lazy before it sets, the light shines through the manky greyed out windows, tiger-striped by god-knows-what, at an angle that reveals all the tiny particles of dust flying around that you don’t normally see. If you smack the chair in front of you, there’s this little mushroom cloud of dust that follows your hand up from the recoil of the impact and joins the attacking barrage of dust. It’s hard to breathe after you see that. Little sips through the gaps between your fingers, not big bellyfulls. Fresh air is a privilege, not a right, in the city. That’s why I always feel the dirt in my nose.

I run the tap as hot as it goes, filling the room with steam, to try and detox my lungs from the fallout. Deep breaths. In-two-three-four; Out-two-three-four; In-two-three-four; Out-two-three-four. I like to imagine the hot steam purging my trachea and bronchioles like rinsing a soapy J-cloth; the more you ring it, the more suds wash out, the clearer the water gets. It was almost uncomfortably hot, like when the boiling hot air hits the back of your throat in a sauna, but it would always do the job. I looked forward to that routine, as countryside became city outside my manky greyed out bus window.

*

I got off at Ha’penny and it was raining again. I didn’t mind because my pre-whitener mood had returned and I felt unstoppable. Just me alone in the city. I could do whatever I wanted. The Jehovas outside the GPO looked like a good place for a chat, but I didn’t. The vignette that being stoned places over your peripheral sight only allowed a few people in at a time. I heard the scream of Luas wheels and languages I couldn’t place. I could’ve been anywhere in the world and I could only have been on O’Connell Street.

I went to book shops and lost all track of time in the 2nd hand sections. How many people’s lives were here? How many generations? How many sold as a last resort, how many yellowed and dog-eared had once been someone’s bestfriend and where are they now? Book shops are other worlds entirely. The outside world tried to get in with bestsellers and 2-for-1s but it remained somewhere I could really breathe. Everyone seemed to know it, too. The college students that I no longer was, the first years looking blankly at the Philosophy section as if expecting the right book to reveal itself to them. Sartre, de Beauvoir, Deleuze. Towering names that would become poorly attended morning lectures. The hollowness in my chest made sure I knew it was still there. I bought 6 books, 4 by Irish writers, 4 by female writers. I felt good about that. The rain had stopped.

*

I wanted to get a coffee or some lunch but all I could see were international chains. Starbucks, Insomnia, Costa. You could imagine kids on playgrounds trading cards with those names. I thought about these chains and prison chains. That’s profound. I congratulated myself. Walking up Dawson Street, passed busy, well-dressed people, I studied the buildings. Centuries old. Entirely out of place against the backdrop of hybrid cars, suits on bluetooth phone calls and the Luas. Dublin is an afterthought. If I looked hard enough at the Victorian and Georgian buildings, I could see cobble streets, heavy coats, peak caps, black smoke, workhouses, laundries. A steampunk film set establishing itself around me. Architecture is the most overlooked art, I thought. I congratulated myself again. In the end, I got a bottle of water and a Nutri Grain bar in the Londis on Grafton Street; it’s a chain but at least it’s an Irish one. I couldn’t find any small or family-owned businesses in that part of the city, rent’s too high. It was cold now.

I wandered into Stephen’s Green and sat on a bench by the ducks and seagulls and pigeons. They were all flocked around an older woman dropping breadcrumbs out of one of those thin opaque plastic bags you get your croissant or a couple loose lemons in. The last time I sat watching the birdlife in the Green like this I saw a great big heron overlooking the pond. I was still in college then. I couldn’t see the bird now.

I dug through my bag and found the small conical tube I stored the remaining half of my joint in, and smoked it while walking around the park, making sure not to light it until I was beyond a small group of kids. A tour guide spoke to a gathering of Spanish students in heavy read coats about this particular area of the park. I couldn’t see what she was talking about so I waited around til the group moved on. The Three Fates. I had never seen it before. Three faded-bronze-green figures, one in front of the other, the first kneeling, all with their hands held in some Christ-like position. It was a gift from the Germans after World War 2 for all we did for refugees after the war. The figures looked ancient and Celtic, like the Germans were acknowledging a shared history; family looks after family. Then I thought about the internet and direct provision and your uncle who spits bile about refugees in the comments of an article he hasn’t read and then calls the Famine a genocide. And then I remembered I’ll be leaving for New York in the summer, like millions of Irish before me and how, at one stage, Manhattan was one third Irish. And then I put my roach in the bin.

*

It started raining again, but this time it meant it. Everyone lifted their jackets over the heads and put on hats and opened umbrellas and run-walked towards trees and gazebos. The rain drops on the mud and tarmac smelled like scrapes on your hands and knees in playgrounds. I played ‘Rain’ by the Beatles in my headphones and walked the labyrinthine paths, taking no care over whether I turned right or left or carried straight on. I could feel my steps landing on the steps of Victorians and Georgians long ago. I saw a bench with a golden inscription on it so I stood by the mossy saxifrage, and under the tree, opposite it to see what it read.

​

IN MEMORY OF LOUIE BENNETT, 1870-1956, BUILDER OF THE IRISH WOMEN WORKERS’ UNION, WORKER FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE, WORLD PEACE AND THE UNITY OF IRELAND, HER SYMPATHY AND LOVE FOR HUMANITY KNEW NO BOUNDARIES

​

Of all the people I could have had lunch with on this day, I was glad it was her. I stood with her for a long time, staring at her bench, thinking of the internet, pulling off small lumps of Nutri Grain and eating them. After a while, after I had become present again, the rain tried to ease off, so I walked back to the pond to feed the ducks with the end of the bar.

*

On the bus home, my inevitable dry lips and headache came on in full force. I tucked my knees into my chest and thought about the summer, being in New York, leaving home, friends, family, memories, childhood. The football pitches opposite our house was being developed into a new housing estate. Just like that, a new future was made. A new past. All the houses looked the same; fresh red bricks, newly muddied pavement, almost-grass lawns. I hated that the children of those homes would never know the forest adventures down the lane that was now to be someone’s back garden. They’d never know skipping school on hot days in May, when everyone was allowed to take their jumpers off and undo one or two shirt buttons, when you should have been studying for your Junior Cert., to lie in those pitches as the only people in the world and talk about boys and girls and flick bottles caps at each other and play World Cup Doubles. What would their stories be? Where would they take place? We’re running out of fields! Why does progress always look like a clean-up crew at a bomb site? When I got home, I opened my suitcase and didn’t know what to pack.

​

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[shybunnymia]

김동훈 필리핀 방문.

I want to write this down before I completely forget this day. Exactly Sept. 9, 2017 you came to the Philippines without me expecting you did. You texted me Sept. 10, 2017 @ 11:33 PM “Hey...How are you?” then saying it was so. I was not able to reply that night because I was sound asleep. I read it the next morning with a smile in my face thinking “He is already here.” I then replied with “I am okay. How have you been? I mean there is so much to talk about. Are you working now?” Technically. I don’t know where to start. It has been 8 years since we last met. You said “You are on a vacation here.” So I said, since we have a planned dinner later, “See you later.”

Sept. 11, 2017 @ 3:00 PM, You called me see you later and said the instructions to your driver. For the past hour during my work, I cannot think straight. All of these questions came to my mind like bullets from a gun. I wanted to ask how have you really been since March 18, 2008 you left for Korea. I wanted to know, what happened to us back then? Did you change or did I change? Well, I wanted to ask but language is a brick wall. 

Sept. 11, 2017 @ 4:03 PM, you texted me, “Where are you? I have arrive in front of your office.” I tried to text back but you called instead. I told you I was going down already just wait for me. As I went down, my heart was pounding out of my chest. This is it, I said. I cling to my phone and tried to look for the car he was in. But a maroon Hyundai Grand Santa Fe went in front of my office. You can out then opened your arms calling my name. Instinctively, like out of the movies, I ran to you and you gave me a warm embrace. Then we went inside your car trying to look normal. I don’t know how to talk to you. 

Sept 11, 2017 @ 4:30 PM, We arrived at Megamall and you told the driver to pick us up after. As we got off, you ask me where I would like to eat while waiting for our friends. But I ask if you want coffee or tea. You said you wanted some coffee so we decided to go to Starbucks. For about an our or so, we talked about so many things. From work to politics, to our old classmates and to your vacation photos from Batangas. But I was so shy to ask you my important questions because this was not the place to ask you everything. You just came back and I do not want to burden you will all those questions. How can I ask such questions when I saw that you were enjoying the company we had? You were making me laugh and joking each other that makes you smile. 

Sept. 11, 2017 @ 5:30 - 9:10 PM, We are now accompanied with our old friend. You were enjoying the company we had. We went around Megamall, even ate at McDonald’s while waiting for our other friend. We decided to go to the parking lot to check out our friend’s car. Then you liked one of her pillows, that you can’t even let it go because you said it was comfy. Then I told our friend, why don’t we buy something like that in the Department Store while he is here. So we got one for you and our friend got you a cute toy. You laugh because we got you gifts. So I thought you like them. 

Sept. 11, 2017 @ 9:30 PM, Our other friend was out of the office by then and we try to go to the restaurant we are going to eat. We ate at a Korean Restaurant called “Ye dang”. You taught us how to drink and eat ssamyopsal the Korean way. We all laugh and laugh while the night was growing old. You were so caring for me while I was drinking, you gave a piece of meat so the alcohol taste would subside. When you saw that I was not holding my chopsticks right, I stopped giving me shots and told me to eat. 

Sept. 11, 2017 @ 10:45 PM, it was time to go home since the restaurant was already closing. It started to rain and you tried your best not to let me get wet at the entrance of the restaurant while you were smoking. You called your driver and we gave our goodbyes to you. But instead of holding my hand, you wrapped your arms around me and gave me your sunglasses as a gift. I was surprised. You hugged our friends once again then lastly gave me a final hug. I accidentally dropped the sunglasses because I was wearing it on my head. You panicked a little but told you I would not drop it again. I said, I will miss you then you told me to text or call when I got home already. You went inside your car and with a sad goodbye you went off. 

Sept. 12, 2017 @ 12:04 AM, You texted me that you have already arrived in Manila. I texted you back that I was going to sleep and said my thanks for today. Then you texted back, if I was available tomorrow. I texted you, yes after work I have time. So you said okay and then good night.

Sept. 12, 2017, was not the best day for your vacation because there was a typhoon. So we were not able to get out that day. I was really sad that I was not able to go out with you. I wanted to spend the whole day with you. This was the day i wish it did not rain that I was upset because I can’t go out.

Sept. 13, 2017 @ 9:40 AM, You replied to my good morning and anticipated today that it did not rain. I was excited but a bit scared because it will be just you and me. You told me that you plan to go to our subdivision this morning and to Antipolo to meet up with your guardian. I then told you i was going to work until 4:00 PM today and that we will see each other later. 

Sept. 13, 2017 @ 3:21 PM, You texted me that you are on your way to Megamall. You were sorry because you were so late but I said it was okay. I just wanted him to arrive safe. Besides I have to do my bills that time. Around he time I was at the mall, I was thinking of giving you a letter but I was also thinking what do I write down? I don’t even know what to say to him and he might not understand everything that I wrote. 

Sept. 13, 2017 @ 5:12 PM, You arrived at Megamall then you called me where was I. Then I told you the same place we went when we came to meet your driver. This is at the food court. So you said you remembered and you were on your way. After that call, I was really getting nervous. I was thinking of what to say or what would happen. I regretted writing you a letter because I usually contain everything in a letter more systematically. 

You arrived with a big smile on your face telling me where we were going to eat. So I was thinking taking you to a Filipino restaurant since you wanted to eat Adobo the other night. But you said you wanted Chinese or a Japanese restaurant or some place nice to eat that I know of. The only thing that came to my mind was Ooma. A Japanese restaurant that I know serves the most delicious rice bowls. We got to the restaurant and ordered pork rice bowls and maki. After your order you were telling me how your day went. You went to our old high school and the sari-sari store where you used to stand by and smoke. Then you went to Antipolo to visit your guardian who is now a pastor. You also told me you went to your old house in our subdivision where you and your guardian used to stay. You even told me that you paid the maid 500 pesos just to have a peak inside while the owner was away. 

Our order arrived and you insisted that I eat the food first. When our rice bow; came, I wanted to take a picture of the dish while he was mixing his rice bowl. But instead of me eating the rice bowl after picturing, he got my bowl and exchange it with the one he was mixing. I kinda thought it was a bibimbap. But I have to admit, it was kind of him. We continued our talk and after eating he called for the waiter. He paid for the bill and we went off. 

He told me he wanted to buy dried mangoes and Tang juice for his pasalubongs. I told him the best place is the supermarket. But on our way to the grocery, he saw some snacks at the Department Store and he said he wanted to buy there. I was insisting him to buy at the supermarket, thinking that it would be cheaper. But he did not listened. He went anyways.

He got all these packs of dried mangoes, small and big ones. He also brought some powdered mango juice which I think would be expensive. When we got all the grocery he needed we lined up to the cashier. In front of the cashier counter was a row of umbrellas. He was looking at one thinking maybe he was going to buy one for himself then he put it in the cart. While the cashier was scanning the items, she scanned the umbrella first then put it in a bag and gave it to my friend then gave it to me. I was surprised! I thanked him so much because I finally have an umbrella. I was thinking of buying the other week. After the Department store, he wanted to buy some cigars. So we went to the other side of the mall to check if the store was open. But unfortunately, it was close. So we went back to go to the Supermarket. 

On our way to the Supermarket, he ask me what brand do I like. I did not understand the question at first. So I said in Korean, “I do not know.” And then he laugh saying something in Korean. Then he made some examples to make me understand. I then said “UNIQLO” that’s my favorite brand. But when we got to UNIQLO he saw that the clothes they were selling were all winter clothes. He laughed again telling me, “How come they are selling this? This is too hot to wear in the Philippines.” I agreed with him, “Yeah, because it is almost Christmas.” “Even though. It’s not for here.” he said laughing again. So we went back to the other stores we passed by. He saw a Calvin Klein Jeans store which interested him. He went in and started canvasing some men’s clothing. He then ask the Salesman where are the women’s clothes.The Salesman pointed at the other section of the store and my friend started looking at the T-shirt. I was thinking, maybe it was for his sister because I remember he has a younger sister. He took out two designs and ask me to pick one. I was shocked and uneasily pointed out the white shirt with a black floral print. He ask the Salesman if there was other sizes. “For whom, sir?” the Salesman ask. “For her.” my friend pointed at me. “Oh okay. Hmm. Small?” Looking at the size of the shirt which I knew was not my size because it was an x-small. The Salesman went to the stock room to get my size. But while we were waiting I was a bit uneasy because the Sales lady in the store was looking at me like I was a gold-digger with a foreigner boyfriend buying me a nice shirt. So to break the awkwardness, I smiled and told her I didn’t know. The sales man came back with my size and I went to the fitting room to try it on. It fit like a glove. I showed it to my friend and he like the fit. I took it off and put on my regular clothes. While I was changing to my clothes, I took a peak at the price. IT WAS AT LEAST $80! Then I handed it to the sales man and my friend was already taking his credit card to pay for it. I was all in shock. No one ever bought me something that expensive. I told him again thank you from the bottom of my heart. Then I ask him while going out of the store, he told me not to tell our other friends that he bought me something like this. I promised him and told him thank you again. 

To make this very long day short, We finally went to the supermarket. He bought same cigars to give his bosses and powdered juice that will last him for a month. When he was finally done with everything, he told me this “When you go on a date with a guy, wear the shirt I gave you.” Which I promised him but I was thinking of wearing it when I go to Korea to meet him again. While waiting for his Uber, he told me how much he was going to miss me and the Philippines. He had a great vacation while he was here. He became emotional again and he was thinking he does not want to go back so soon. 

When his taxi finally arrived, he hugged me so tight that he didn’t want to let me go. He told me how he is going to miss me when he goes back to Korea. I told him the same thing. I was getting teary-eyed. But he told me not to cry and he went inside the taxi and went away. He rolled down the windows of the taxi to give out a cry to me which I found funny then waved goodbye for the last time. 

I was going home I have all his gifts that he has given to me. Its a reminder that he really did visited, we went on a date and finally said our goodbyes. I wanted to type everything down just so I do not forget every single detail. When I finally have the courage to let him read this post or finally translate it to Korea, I will let him read it and tell him all I wanted him to know. 

For now I am leaving this here and thanking you, my dear reader, for the time to read this very lengthy post. 

It is now Sept. 22, 2017 9:19 PM, we are still contacting each other. Though not that much because I know for a fact that he might be busy. But just wanted to let you know that I am planning to go to Korea by March of 2018. (Hopefully!) And instead of typing a blog, I might make a vlog for the whole trip. :) 

Thank you once again and have a good day! 

[theadventuresofhelena]

China 🇨🇳

We arrived in China on Jan 31st and immediately were so thrilled to get off to see the city that right when we got done with immigration we left the port terminal to go explore the city(And by we I mean: Molly, Yuhwa, Allie, Allison, Nabs, Hoku and I). We walked around for a bit looking for money exchanges and ATMs and in the process began to walk further away from the city centre. But, that turned out to be a good thing because we got to ride a ferry across the water to get to the other side and that was the first ferry that my friend Molly has ever been on! When we finally made it into the city centre we crossed a huge area that had different food places open. We had arrived during the Chinese New Year which meant that there was a lot of business that were closed. We decided to try these dumplings at one of the restaurants called Yang’s Dumplings. I freaking LOVED them. They were so good, the inside has a lot of liquid inside so it’s super flavorful and ugh-they were amazing. After we ate we walked around trying to figure out the address to a part of a city that is called the French Concession, it’s known for being a cool area to walk around in and just sort of explore. So we got wifi at a Starbucks, got the address, and left to go to a little taxi area. Because the group was so big, we had to split up. So Allie, Yuhwa, and I went into one taxi and Molly, Nabs, and Hoku went into another. On the way there, we lost them in traffic and weren’t sure where they were. Our taxi driver wasn’t extremely friendly, but dropped us off and we got out. However, as Yuhwa was getting out of the car she realized she didn’t feel or see her phone, so she walked back over the the taxi to peak in the window to see if it was on the car seat. I looked over and I saw the taxi driver look up to see her looking in and immediately he floors it and speeds off. Allie and I try to help Yuhwa find her phone in her bag and other random little pockets, but it became very obvious very quickly that the taxi driver most likely had stolen it. Yuhwa tried to run after him to get it/his license plate but he had gone off too quickly and she couldn’t catch up. Also, we hadn’t seen any signs on Molly, Nabs, or Hoku so we weren’t sure where or how to find them. We decided to find wifi to contact them to let them know whats happening with us and hope that they see it. We had been standing outside for quite sometime, most likely looking very distressed, when a man and a woman from a small building that read “Volunteer Shanghai” waved us down to come over. So, we walk over there and begin to explain what has happened. And these people went out of their way to help us, it was so so so nice of them, it just blew my mind. First, she tried calling Yuhwa’s phone and tried using the iPhone tracker, she asked us if we remembered anything about the license plate or if we had a receipt from the taxi driver which they are suppose to give out to you (he didn’t give us one). They then proceeded to walk us to the police station and they stayed with us to help translate while Yuhwa talked with the police. This event took close to 2 hours long, and during it I was taken back a moment because it just really showed me how many good people there are in the world. Yes, there was one bad guy who stole a phone, but we had nearly 10 people trying to help us somehow catch the driver/his taxi license. Although it was a stressful and unpleasant time (especially for Yuhwa) it was really beautiful to see that the majority of people aren’t bad people. Once we were finished talking with the police, we decided to head back to the ship because it was getting close-ish to dinner time and then we would be back once Nabs, Hoku, and Molly were back (because we still couldn’t get in contact with them). So we figured we would have dinner on the ship and then get all dolled up and go out to make the night slightly better than the beginning of the day. We got back, had dinner, finally met back up with Nabs, Hoku, and Molly we all shared stories of our days and then we got ready for the night. We all left and walked to the Hyatt hotel that was only a few minutes away walking distance. They had a bar at the very top called Vue Bar where (as I’m sure you can probably guess) there was an amazing view of the city, so obviously, we had to go. And wowzers, it did not disappoint. It was incredible to see the whole city lit up. Plus, the architecture is just insanely incredible, so it honestly was just marvelous. After we enjoyed our time at the top, we decided to go to a club for some dancing! But we didn’t realize that nearly every place was closed down because of the Chinese New Year. So it ended up taking forever to find a good club, but we found one called Bar Rouge and it was really fancy on the inside. When we first got in there it wasn’t super packed, but there was still a decent amount of people plus other SASers. More SASers ended up coming and we all ended up taking a few shots together and then heading straight to the dance floor, which was a lot of fun with the ladies. The next morning we decided to go on a mission to find the infamous black market. All we knew was that it was underneath the subway system near the museum. So, we got a taxi to the museum (Side note- normally I never take taxi’s at all and use the metro system only, but taxi’s in China are SO cheap! The most we paid for was $7.00 collectively, so we took taxi’s a lot in Shanghai) and once we got to the museum, we couldn’t see any metro signs anywhere so we just decided to walk around the museum. I’m not quite sure how we got so lucky, but we were standing around talking trying to figure out what to do when Nabs saw there was some stuff at the back side of the museum. It wasn’t large enough to be called a market but there were food stands and other stands that had random things people were selling. We went to go check it out and as we get down there I see the signs to a metro, it was straight across from the back of the museum building. So, I ended up getting this weird crunchy tortilla-but not dish outside and it was so delicious, I took a video of the lady who makes it! It’s pretty cool. Once we were done looking around we went straight into the metro station to see what we could find. As we were passing by shops, a man comes up to us and he just knew exactly what we were looking for, so we followed him through this subway station. Left one market and went to another and it turns out this black market we went to wasn’t sketchy at all. We all felt very safe. So this man brings us to a small locked off room and is showing us bags and we ask him if he has any shoes. He takes us to another shop and we were there for way too long lol, we tried on so many different pairs of adidas, yeezys, nikes, but we didn’t love any of them so Molly, Allie, Yuhwa and I all went to and kind of dispersed while Nabs and Hoku stayed behind to see if they could get 3 pairs of shoes for 400 yuan. And wowzers, they sure know how to haggle! They were screaming and yelling at each other for at the very least 10-20 minutes! Hook got her price though in the end so I was proud of them because I could never do what they just did lol We spent the rest of the day at the black market shopping, I definitely got a pair of yeezy’s (slightly ashamed tbh but slightly not) and then a really cute lulu lemon zip up. We took a cab back to the ship, which took forever because the cab drivers kept declining us. We aren’t sure why specifically it happened, but it happened to a lot of different SASer’s. The cab drivers would just say no to us. So we thought we were going to be stranded for a second there but finally one came along and brought us back to the ship! That night we decided to go to this karaoke bar that everyone had been talking about. It was definitely a low-key night so I just went in my new lulu lemon zip up and leggings. This karaoke bar has a deal where you spend $15 and you can get unlimited beer for the entire night. So, that’s what everyone was doing. We got to the bar and there were a good amount of SASer’s there already, we got our beers and I knew the two gals who were already on the dance floor, dancing and singing along to the karaoke so I decided to stay with them and I’m so glad I did because I had SUCH a good night, it was so much fun. I stayed on the dance floor all night long and just sang and danced to old songs that I use to be obsessed with. I did end up losing my voice which was slightly funny for the next couple of days. The next few days were spent exploring the city, we decided to do a Hop on Hop off bus touring and it turned out to be so much fun. We got to go to the Observation Tower where we got a full view of Shanghai in the day time. We also went to this one street that was near the Yu Garden and that was jam packed with people, but really cool to walk around and explore. That night we join Allie’s roommate and went to a restaurant that has little stoves in the middle of the table and you can order a soup and they bring everything out in front of you and cook it! It was super cool to see, they also made the noodles right in front of us! The guy literally danced with them to make them get longer, he was swinging them around everywhere (I’ll attach a quick video bc it is super entertaining to watch). Everyone at the restaurant was extremely friendly to us, which was quite abnormal for Shanghai so that was also really nice to experience! That night we were exhausted, so we just passed out once we had gotten back to the ship. The next morning we went to the Yu Garden which was probably one of the most intense moments of my life. We were packed into these lines like sardines, there was no space for anything. I felt like we were being cattle from one end of this place to another. But once we got out of the line and entered the Yu Garden it was really beautiful! We also did some exploring in another area of the city where I got chocolate for my cabin steward on the ship (his name is Rommell and he is just adorable and when I ask what he wants from each port it has nearly always been “milk chocolate”). That night Molly and I were still tired from going out the first two nights so we decided to have a movie night in my cabin and get snacks and just have a relaxed night. So, we went to the grocery store, got chips and salsa and some candy then headed back to the ship where we invited Sara (my roommie :)) to join us and then we all proceeded to watch a few episodes of Gossip Girl before falling asleep. The next day Molly and i decided to go to the Natural History Museum. And wow, that was a treat in it’s own. So, we’re not quite sure what really is going on in this museum, but some things just aren’t right. We were walking past an exhibit that had lions in it and I think Molly was the first to point out that.. something didn’t look quite right. I took a picture of it and will gladly post it on to here. It also happened to some wolves and another animal species I’m not too sure about. Something went wrong when they were stuffing them and the eyes just aren’t quite right. We were in hysterics at some point laughing at home odd these stuffed animals were. There was a really cool butterfly exhibit and then a random part of the museum that was temporary and we decided to check it out and it was kind of a place where they set a bunch of random things together. There was a container that had a buffalo, conch, and something else all together in one. There was tigers, dogs, cats, rats, and more just sort of randomly placed throughout this space. We were slightly confused, but it just added to the funniest of what we’ve been seeing. We had planned to go to the other museum nearby but we had run out of time, so we went back to the ship to eat food and get ready before going out. It was our last night in China and the New Years was nearly over so there would hopefully be more locals going out as well as SASers, so we were very excited for the night to start. We decided to go back to the karaoke bar to pregame and that was fun, I had almost fully recovered my voice but lost it again that night because I can’t help but sing along to songs when they’re playing. Some random kid announced that everyone was leaving in 5 minutes to go to a club called M1NT. So, after a while later of being there we took a taxi to the club. We had to stop by an ATM because a friend name Lily needed some cash, on our way out of the ATM we ran into some SASers and they informed us that we wouldn’t be able to get in unless we had made a reservation. Sara, being the wonderful human she is, wouldn’t take no for an answer. So, we stroll in and a woman walks up to us and asks if we have a reservation, Sara answers for us and says “No, but we’re from Finland” (everyone loves the Fins) and I go “And we’re so excited to be here” She asks us if this is our first time and we say yes. She then proceeds to unlock this red rope and welcomes us into M1NT. To say we were ecstatic is a slight understatement. We were led to a lobby area that had elevators on both sides of the walls. When one opened we all piled in and I look to the buttons for directions as to which floor M1NT was on. To our surprise, it was on the very top floor. I press the button and as the door close we all begin to giggle with excitement. We were one of the few groups of SASers who got to get in for free, without a reservation. When the doors open, theres a bar with a lounge area and to the right we can hear music and see flashing lights. We go to the lounge first and buy a drink before heading over to the club area. On our way over to the club there is another group of SASers we see whom we know, so we stop and talk with them and take a couple of shots before heading to the dance floor. That night, we had so much fun dancing. It is by far one of my favorite memories I have with everyone. Also, I guess at this club there was a shark tank, but I was really distracted the entire time and never noticed it lol. Kinda disappointed I never saw it, but I also heard it was a little sad so kinda not disappointed I missed that part. We were there for quite some time and just danced the night away, I had a few too many shots so I don’t quite remember coming back but I wasn’t drunk tanked so yay! The next morning I wake up and it’s 10:15am which I thought was a joke because I have never slept in that late before so I didn’t believe my clock. But sure enough, it was. Molly, Allie, and Allison come into Sara’s and I’s room and we all began discussing the night and everything that happened. Sara and I had left over Twizzlers so we were snacking on those while laughing over the random stuff that happened the night prior. That day, we got off the ship probably around 11-12ish and walked over to the Hyatt hotel and used the wifi for the day. I joined Allie and Molly at the cafe they had there, where Allie and Molly ended up ordering a bottle of rosé, chicken nuggets, and truffles. Weird combination, but I just sat there and facetimed my friend Tori while Allie and Molly would give me their leftover food and wine lol. We had to be on the ship I believe by 4pm so once that time came around, we left to get back on the ship. That night we watched from the windows in the Kaisersal us leaving Shanghai. Overall, I had an amazing time. China was much different from what I expected, but there’s still so much to see in this huge country. Luckily I have a 10 year visa so I can come back soon :)

[surveyjunkie]

0115

What’re you doing at the moment? Typing this survey 

Do you have sympathy for those who hurt you? Not really

Are you a forgiving person? Yes, too forgiving

What have you eaten today? A sandwich from Subway, chips, and a bagel and coffee from Starbucks

What time did you go to sleep last night? A little past 2

What’re your plans for today? After work, laundry and cleaning. 

When was the last time you cried? I almost cried yesterday...if that counts. 

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mom.

Is there anything you should be doing right now? Nah

Is there anyone that knows everything about you? Yes

What was the last movie you watched? Don’t Breathe

Is there anything you want to do today, but probably won’t get to? I wanted to go to the salon after work to get my nails and eyebrows done, but I’m way too tired. Plus, I have too many chores at home waiting for me. 

What time did you wake up this morning? 8 officially

Do you wear make-up? Nope. I might start again though. I feel a lot more confident with it on, it’s just a bitch to get up earlier to do it. 

Why’re you taking this survey? Because I’m trying to pass the time at work. 

How many surveys will you take today? This will probably be my last one of the day. I’ve got chores to do at home and will probably end up watching shows. But who knows, I might get bored.  

What do you want right now? To not feel gross. I ordered the weirdest sandwich at Subway. I need to stop being adventurous and just stick to what I always get. 

Are you excited about anything? Just to get home. I’m also pumped for apartment hunting this weekend. I’ll probably end up turning in an application this time. 

Is anything bothering you at the moment? Just Josh stuff. Nothing he did, but you know, our situation. It’s something that always nags at me. 

Is your room clean? It’s cluttered, but it’s not messy. It’s like organized clutter. 

Do you spend too much time at home? I don’t spend enough time at home, honestly. I wish I was home more often. 

How’re you today? Slightly depressed. I feel like a grey cloud has been hovering over my head since yesterday. I’ll be okay though. 

Does anyone get on your nerves? Yes. 

What’re you thinking about right this second? The person who gets on my nerves the most. 

What were you thinking about last night before you went to sleep? Josh

Who was the last person you called? Josh

What’s the closest thing to you that’s pink? A bottle of eos lotion

When was the last time you were really mad? I was kind of mad on Saturday, but I didn’t express it as usual. 

What color shirt are you wearing? White

What kind of hair spray do you use? When I do use it, it’s Tresseme

What sports do you play? None.

Have you ever had a near death experience? I can’t say I have

When you get cold at home, do you get a sweater/hoodie or get a blanket? I put on extra layers. Usually if I just put on fuzzy socks that helps though. Our floor is really cold. 

Do you require visual assistance (i.e.; glasses or contacts)? I have glasses. Very strong ones. 

Do you work out? Yes, but only like twice a month. 

What is a food that you always are in the mood to eat? Chicken salad or fries

Do you like sausage? Sure

Ever held a newborn animal? Yes, a couple of kitties

Have you ever been to Boston? Nope.

Describe your hair at the moment. There’s nothing to describe. It just needs to be re-dyed. 

What are you sitting on? A chair. 

Could you use a massage right now? No.

Is it wicked hard for you to sleep when it’s hot in your room? Impossible, actually. <<< Saaaame.

Are you easily offended? Eh, no. I can be sensitive sometimes but I don’t get offended at people using profanity or talking about gross things around me, if that’s what you mean. 

Do make sure you dot your i’s when you write? Yeah.

Do you know anyone with a dual citizenship? I think so?

What did you wear today? Black jeggings, a white shirt and a grey cardigan. 

How do you feel about needles? They’re pretty gross

Do medical terms make you uncomfortable? I mean...I work in the medical field so I hear them everyday and they don’t make me uncomfortable. 

Have any unpleasant public transit stories to tell? No

Are you afraid of failure? Extremely. As much as I don’t like this job it’s the only thing I have going for me right now so I can’t quit. I’d feel like such a failure if I did. 

Have you been called a bad influence? Yes

What about Chinese food? Love it or hate it? Love it

Why were you last in a hospital? Allergic reaction

Pencils: Mechanical or Traditional? Mechanical.

Do feet creep you out? Yes

Do you get stage fright? Yuuup.

[thoughtspainter-blog]

On my Drive Back From El Paso

El December 21st 2016:

I made two trips to Goodwill in the Westside of El Paso, from my apartment at the Essex Alley, Unit 3, at 513 W. San Antonio Avenue. 

I played, for the last time for a while, my favorite Spanish stations, EXA 94.3 FM (which played Latin America’s Top 40) while passing by the Starbucks near Sunland Park, that I used to go to each Friday and Saturday to explore my passions for 3D art and painting, to avoid the nightclub noise in my neighborhood. The beautiful Franklin Mountains I drove past by is something I still miss to this day as there’s a certain underrated tranquility to the mountains that make it a hidden gem. 

The drive back from El Paso, Texas was incredibly reflective to me, but also a close to a chapter in my life that has changed me forever. These were thoughts that came up in my mind as I spent my last month in El Paso:

Three years ago, I thought that I had plans to go to Taiwan, get in touch with my Chinese heritage, speak Chinese, and utilize my urban planning degree in Kaohsiung, Taiwan. Instead, due to visa regulations, I could not go to Taiwan. Saddened, I continued applying for jobs and ended up in El Paso, Texas. Not knowing anything about El Paso other than being a city across the border, I accepted the job and went on an adventure for a lifetime.

El Paso, Texas is a border town - the El Paso - Juarez border-plex region is a population of 2.2 Million, is the 19th largest city in the United States, and among the most populated regions in the US-Mexico Borderland. It’s a working-class city with one of the most poorest Census tracts in the Country. 

As a result, El Paso doesn’t have a lot of upscale amenities, shopping, retail, and restaurants you see in many American cities. El Paso has a brain drain problem, where college graduates often move to other cities to seek better job opportunities and higher wages. As the education levels here are below the national average here, it’s tough to find a good job here. 

People have told me that there’s little to do in El Paso - compared to San Francisco; honestly, this was a impetus for me to create entertainment and art from nothing. 

Living in El Paso was probably one of the best things for me to happen to me.  

In the past two years I’ve lived there, I’ve created over 20 paintings, am a conversational speaker in Spanish, and developed a passion for cooking Mexican, Italian, and Indian food. The limited amenities actually meant that I had more focus to be who I truly am, versus being in San Francisco, where it’s easy to be distracted by everything that is happening. 

Through this intense focus, I developed a strong understanding of El Paso culture and the complicated reasons why people remain here. It’s best summarized through The Chamanas song, Purple, Yellow, Red and Blue:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyy2-OzeSlw

Whenever I miss El Paso, I play this song. I connect with the Spanish lyrics of the song. In El Paso, there’s this feeling of being stuck: it’s very geographically isolated in West Texas; very few flights go to El Paso: it’s a immigrant border town with very few job opportunities. It’s common in El Paso to bash El Paso for being a poor city with very little things to do, and very common to compare El Paso to other wealthier cities. That’s why in the lyrics of the song:

De grande yo quisiera ser famosa en la televisión /  El trabajo ya no es para mí / Desesperarme es inútil / Sólo el tiempo me puede aliviar.

When I grow up I wanna be on TV 'Cause workin' just don't work for me Being exasperated is useless: So I’l just try to relieve myself

The last two lines - there’s a contrast, a feeling of being stuck. There is that desire to grow and want a better life, but it’s that feeling of being stuck.

But, that feeling of being stuck creates this unique border town subculture that’s hard to describe until you actually live here. People create their own music and their own art of West Texas life in the Chihuahuan desert. 

As a poor border town and gateway from Mexico to the United States, for people who’ve lived here for generations, El Paso teaches you to be grateful for what you have. You’ve immigrated to a new country for a better life, and compared to being in Mexico, living in the United States, in El Paso is an improvement in quality of life compared to living in Mexico. 

While we are poor, we have our families, we made it to the country to seek better opportunities. El Paso, for being a big city, has a very small town feel: families are very tight knit, and surprisingly, people know each-other, and since there isn’t a large out-of-town population in El Paso, most people here are very local: it’s this strange cycle that creates a unique, border-town culture that, in some ways, is very beautiful. With a town with very limited disposable incomes, you are forced to be creative about how to have fun. Yes, there’s a sense of grittiness of El Paso art - living in the West Texas desert makes you a more thick-skinned person as your standards of beauty are much more... rougher. 

That’s what it means to feel stuck. You want to be more famous, but the isolation here makes it challenging to go out, so you have to make due with what you have. You pool together with your friends and family that you have grown up with all your life, and you use your limited resources to find new ways to have fun. 

This cycle is what El Paso Borderland culture is; being creative under limited constraints is what it takes to survive the borderland. I’m grateful for my time in El Paso as it’s made me a more stronger, resilient person ; as one of my colleagues stated, El Paso is like bootcamp, and other cities will seem like a piece of cake.  

I believe for some El Pasoans, this small-town feeling, tight-knit community, and unique crafty culture is what drives some people to return to El Paso to make it a better place. I really loved it - I knew its limitations, but I loved it. 

I’ve felt guilty, at times, for leaving El Paso. It took me several months to understood why I had to leave. 

I discovered my passion for art, painting, and design here. I had many opportunities to visit Mexico for vacation, and traveling there changed my life. 

At the end of the day, I left because I hit a plateau regarding how far I could go as an artist; I also recognized I wanted to put more time as an artist, but El Paso didn’t have enough of the infrastructure, workshops, and resources I needed to make it happen (this is improving, but if one is used to living in San Francisco, you’re used to the level of infrastructure and resources available there). I understood that many people I talked to wanted me to stay in El Paso, and those feelings do exist. 

The biggest thing to improve El Paso is to increase its tax base and job opportunities. 

However, I knew that it would be difficult for me to do this because: I’m not a STEM professional, nor I was a entrepreneur that had a strong product that could be exported out of El Paso and create lots of jobs. 

My biggest strength in life is to use art to improve the quality of life in a city, place, or a person’s life. I’m not at the level where I could contribute artistically at that scale. 

I also knew that, on a personal level, I needed to explore other areas of my personality. I loved the relaxed life in El Paso, but knew that I got very comfortable that it would be hard for me to learn more about myself if I didn’t make a next step. Due to the low cost of living in El Paso, it’s easy to buy a house, settle down, have a family and kids. 

But, there was a world I needed to explore. And, I didn’t want to begin this phase in my life too early yet.

Leaving El Paso was very difficult, but I reflect this way:

As much as I wanted to improve El Paso, there were things that I felt I needed to explore personally, or I would have regrets in my life later. If I did not make the leap to dedicate time to learn how to be a better painter, I would be devastated. 

I rather be authentic and stay true to my strengths, rather than half-heartedly stay somewhere and keep a happy facade, where in reality, I felt unhappy. 

I still have a very complicated relationship with El Paso. I won’t forget my time there, and it’s made me a tougher resilient person. 

But, I need some space away from it. There’s a sense of nostalgia I have for the relaxed life I had there, but it became a double edged sword where I became the character in Purple Yellow Red and Blue where I became stuck. 

I do want to revisit this chapter in my life again - it will take me some time to process and reflect on my experience there, and how I’d give back.