#also this makes me see the final showdown between them in an entire different light now

[chocolate-cream-soldier]

Oh my gods now that I know that there's a very real possibility that Agatha and Rio are maybe inspired from God Shiva- Devi Parvati it's all making sense to me in much deeper level now. I don't even know how to explain but YES their story is a direct parallel when you think about it..I need someone to come and scream with me. My mind is reeling!

[shmowder]

Okay, I have a few thoughts about Vlad Jr. as a partner that I personally find pretty interesting! You’re writing is really inspiring to me btw. Thank you dearly 🧡

It seems to me at the beginning of a relationship, when his main task is to charm a person, he is extremely gallant and cautious. The kind of gentleman who would rather put his coat in a puddle in front of a person than offer to walk around it. Bouquets of wildflowers, door holding, cloying compliments, gentle hand kisses without breaking eye contact are also about him. He positions himself not as an insidious seducer, as Andrey does, but rather as a reliable friend, or a knight from an old novel, ready to offer his help at any moment. It seems to me that he is scared to the point of trembling at the thought that he may be rejected, so he will find out everything about the preferences of his object of sympathy, starting from likes in literature and ending with the hours when his darling goes for a walk. And he definitely "borrows" his father's money to order expensive gifts from the Capital. As soon as he feels that his partner's mind and body are in his tenacious hands, he will noticeably relax, as if his ego is finally in safety. Being intrusive is not his style anyway, but noticeable nervousness will disappear from his actions. I don't think he'll offer to move in together as soon as possible, and anyway, it seems to me that the prospect of family life terrifies him. «Let's not rush things» is how he will respond, slowly stroking his lover's hair while their head rests on his lap. Oh, and he is always taking off his gloves then touching his beloved!

You're so sweet thank you <33 and Aaa those thoughts are so tasty! I love them jfosjdj I wanted to reply to this much sooner but got swooped up.

I have so many thoughts; young Vlad is very underrated. I always liked his character. He is someone who was loved and cherished all his life but still sees love as a business deal? Like a benefactoring relationship. He studies it and applies it to you. It comes out perfect, but there is always a hint of something being off, a gut feeling you can't deny.

Like how you specifically mentioned how he locks eyes with you as he plants a kiss on your hand. This simple act of looking at you, meeting your gaze, and studying your reaction, paints this in an entirely different light.

It's still the act of a gentleman, yes

But, by looking at you, self-awareness falls into the mix. Vlad is making you know this is something he is going out of his way to do, deliberately.

And the air is a little charged with sexual tension. Shifting the act from a courtesy peck on the hand to you becoming very aware of his warm lips pressing against your sensitive skin, pausing in place as he looks you in the eyes, letting you drink in the view of him kissing your hand in public. with every passing millisecond.

Then it's gone. He pulls back like nothing happened. As if it was your mere imagination altering your view of reality and nothing more. Puts the knightly mask back on after almost giving into greed. After this brief showdown with temptation, one he barely resisted.

It becomes a performance of chivalry, one he puts just for you. Not out of malice or his feelings being disingenuous, the man is just secretly terrfied to his core that he might mess this up.

So he leaves no room for error, he considers all possible scenarios and alters his own way to fit into the traditional romantic mould. Playing it safe.

Sure, he sometimes takes gambles in his endeavours. Defying the local customs and digging deep into the earth, going from behind his father's back to affect the termitary.

But he always leaves safe a space between him and the act, distancing himself from liability of any risk. He doesn't go into the well he digs, no matter the temptation.

He doesn't follow through with the gamble, always folds if the cards don't seem to be in his favour. There is no bluffing on his side, he is direct with his approach.

This is why it was so terrifying this time around. For once, he is forced to be directly involved. He can't be a backseat driver in this romantic endeavour. He can't have someone sweep you off of your feet in his stead. He has to be in the spotlights, and he has to take the risk.

Once his hand is dealt, he cannot restart.

So he spends months before giving away any hint of interest, you wouldn't have the slightest clue that you've been a constant in his dreams, a heavy weight on his heart.

Months of practising and studying, of making sure he truly understands everything there is to romance. Seeking advice, studying ancient tales, customs of affection in different cultures. Expanding his view.

But it just... has the opposite effect. Love is subjective, it is everywhere at once and ever shifting in colours. He can't break it down into a multi-steps plan, the factors are too variant.

Maybe comprehending emotions in general didn't come to him naturally. Maybe he has been trying all his love to decipher the mystery of the human desire, for what drives people.

For all his flaws, his father was clearly driven by the purest forms of love above all. Didn't everyone adore his mother and sing her praises even to this day as she departured into the ground?

So why didn't he feel sad that day, why couldn't he cry?

Why did wasn't his father angry or offended? Why did he accept his apathetic nature so easily and welcomed him back home with open arms...

Why doesn't Capella resent him for deciding to hang the family inheritance on her shoulders and go live his own life freely? Why does his sister sincerely smile at her cold brother?

Why do snakes starve themselves to death just to guard their young? Even before they see them, even as they're merely immobile fragile eggs akin to any other rock. They could just as easily slip away for an hour or two to hunt a prey, but they never risk it. They accept their own demise, feel the acid dissolving their stomach walls, hunger gnawing at their core, starvation akin to thorny spikes stabbing their insides.

Love is complicated and messy. Love could be the greatest invention in the world or the biggest illusion ever, a carrot hanging off a stick, evolution's cruellest prank.

Young Vlad is very observant. He is aware that his lack of comprehensive feelings is out of the norm. That society wasn't built for people like him.

He knows he cares about his family. It is an objective fact. He knows you caught his attention, that time spent with you puts him in a better mood, that you somehow manage to make the mundane seem interesting just by being nearby.

But he also lacks the other more common symptoms of attraction that should've presented themselves by now. He finds himself lacking in other types of love as well, a different symphony echos in his heart. The idea of marriage forms a pit in his stomach. He'd rather you find your own world and fulfilment in this life while he reamins supportive from the sides.

So when he finally begins officially courting you, he informs you of his plans with a neat letter. Putting everything upfront on the table, not expecting a reply but giving you a chance to put a stop to this endeavour before it begins. While he wants more, the idea of being a trusted friend is the next best thing he'll take if his proposals were rejected.

A day goes by and you're still on good terms with him, smiling his way when meeting on the street. No rejection letter arrives so he begins putting his plan into motion.

It feels... extremely clumsily. Every time he brings a bouquet, he spends hours beforehand picking the colours and comparing their meanings, how long each stem should be, and the way the flowers are arranged.

To onlookers he might look like an expert, to you he might appear as if he knows what he's doing. Calm and collected on the surface but completely on high alter on the inside.

What if you're allergic to pollen? That thought immediately invades his mind just as he's at your doorstep, about to hand you the flowers.

You notice the subtle tremble of his fingers, the thinly pressed lips.

He tries to balance between being attentive while not overwhelming at the same time. He counts the droplets of rain to determine their severity before finally deciding it's the right amount for it to be considered appropriate to bring out the umbrella he brought just in case and offer to share it together. He makes sure to greet you with a kiss to the hand only every other day so it doesn't lose its charm.

Vlad overcomplicates every step, overthrinks every action, and makes this performance harder than it ever could be. He doesn't consider the fact that maybe his clumsiness could be considered charming on its own or that his lack of knowledge in romance might have been interpreted as adorable.

Maybe some people do like partners who are reliable in times of need while remaining as intense as a soft breeze on any other day. That the freedom he so values could be just as equal valued by his parent.

Fear clouds his judgement. He'd rather be perceived as noble as a knight than a sleezy seductive man with no strings attached.

He wants something deep, something real and genuine. It's naive and completely stained by the pure love his parents shared. That selfless agape love is what he craves.

Vlad just isn't sure how to even reach it or attempt to, what do you mean just be himself? No, that wouldn't work. He is too different, what if he weirds you out or scares you off?

Oh? those are normal feelings, and every human doubts themselves the same way at times? That sounds fake to young Vlad.

Whenever he uses money to show off or impress you, he still makes sure to do it with refinement and grace. He buys you things you need or replicas of things you own but in much better quality. It's never extravagant or grandiose, he isn't trying to flaunt his money around but show you that he is reliable and can provide for you. That he is sensible with money yet would spoil you all the same.

But sometimes... he can't help it when a gem embeded necklace resembles the epitome of your essence, or when a watch especially fits your taste.

At least with the more luxurious gifts, he waits for an appropriate occasion before handing them over. Maybe a birthday or a specially impressive milestone you reached?

Alas... those come once a year. Don't worry about how many "just in case" gifts he bought for you on a whim then buried in his closet waiting for the right time.

... he might need a new closet.

A reader who is honest and forward would do wonderfully with him, someone who doesn't adhere to social rules or beat around the bush. Expressing your sincere opinions and feelings towards any of his acts, be it good or bad, will ease a huge burden off of his shoulders.

He doesn't take offence either, whatever thing you disliked will be immediately removed. You don't like flowers? Fair. Can he know why? Seeing them wilt and die makes you sad? He understands, then what about crystal flowers or fabric woven ones? Would those do or would you like for flowers to be removed entirely from the list of possibilities?

The more the two of you have these conversations, the closer you get in his eyes, the more he shows his true self around you and relax a bit.

Don't get him wrong, some of the courting habits he really enjoyed and would actually like to continue doing. The gifts for example or taking walks together and enjoying the weather.

Other stuff? not so much. He doesn't hate or love them, he feels nothing towards them really. Some of them he might continue doing if you ask, just to see you happy. It is a mutual benefitting relationship after all and he expects to put in effort.

While other things, no he wouldn't.

Take jealousy, for example. doesn't get why it's you he'd ever be angry about? So what if you went to the bar and danced with another man? You were just having fun, that's what matters. He trusts you.

But also, if that man gets the wrong idea about your intentions, he will step in to clear the situation. You don't have to fight your fights alone. He will always be there.

Does it matter to him if you're in the wrong or the right? Not really. It's you he cares about rather than morality in general. Be it bribes or blackmail, whatever gets people off your back is worth the price.

He wants to pursue his own interests in life. He has theories to put to the test and try out. You will live your own life, and he will do the same, except this time around the two, or you are together and have each other's back.

Enjoys you cuddling him, leaning your head against his shoulder, giving him a hug after a long day, resting your head on his lap.

Watching as he slowly pulls his gloves off of his fingers, sliding them upwards of your neck. Feeling your body shiver, caressing your hair, brushing your cheeks.

Massaging the knots out below your nape, just where it meets your shoulders. Watching your body tense then visibly relax, having you melt into his lap. Eyes fluttering closed shut by the end of it, he remains seated there until you're finished with your nap.

Studying your face, memorising your features. Etching every mole and blesmish to his mind,

[thatmidnightkid]

ok ok i have THOUGYTS on this because. remember the end of the couples’ therapy scene with Sam (a whole different kettle of fish by the way)? Bucky asks her what rule number 2 is. and instead of repeating rule number 2 with the wording we’ve been given so far every time it came up “nobody gets hurt”, she tells him it’s “don’t hurt anyone”. I loved that line and it killed me and solidified my absolute love of this extremely dysfunctional therapy dynamic and my absolute dislike of Dr Raynor as a character (not necessarily that she was written like that, although again, different kettle of fish).

What I love about it is both the implications of that line and the implications it leads me to have about Bucky as a character in tfatws. His whole thing in the series is him trying to make amends, right? As many more eloquent people before me have pointed out and elaborated, no one in his life is telling him that he should not have to because it’s not his fault. My guy was brainwashed. Anyway, as this meta has pointed out, Dr Raynor does not point this out to him either (at least for when we see them) which contributes to their extremely dysfunctional dynamic. The entirety of this making amends arc highlights how warped Bucky’s own self understanding is and while he does improve a little bit on that front through his relationship with Sam and him being reframed in a positive light (even so far as that Karli points out they have to give him something to save to get him off their asses which is incredibly hero coded as opposed to antihero/villain coded) specifically in regards to the GRC/Flagsmashers final showdown situation, it gets shaken by Zemo’s general existence and taunting, by the involuntary removal of his arm that he didn’t know about was even possible (side note this is also one of my fav scenes that i could probably write an essay about) and by Dr Raynor with this line.

Because “don’t hurt anyone” and “no one gets hurt” in this context differ in only two factors. One; the latter also includes Bucky getting hurt himself, whether self inflicted, accidental or due to other people, be that physical or emotional. Two; in the latter, Bucky is not necessarily the aggressor. In the second, he necessarily always is and his own feelings are dismissed entirely because of it. And it seems to solidify this self understanding that Bucky (mistakenly) carries, of himself as an aggressor, as the one who initiates and inflicts hurt on other people. For Dr Raynor, who, as a therapist should always be in their patients corner (to a certain extent depending on the client and the circumstances, professionals please don’t come for me), to almost disregard Bucky’s feelings and on top of that confirm this flawed, false and trauma-borne self image is shattering and horrible. And she does it in an off hand comment, something that has presumably been discussed between the two of them as a rule hanging over Bucky’s head as “nobody gets hurt”. It leaves the implication open that this is what she always thought of as rule number 2, with all the implications that come with it, and leave Bucky with another person not in his corner. I think this plus the removal of his arm by the Dora Milaje (which you absolutely can interpret as a safety should he ever turn against them given the circumstances in which he was given the arm + the fact he prefers to see his arm as the weapon that makes him deadly, not his super soldier existence because it makes him violently uncomfortable as this meta points out) highlights the ways in which Bucky understands himself to be dangerous first and foremost, and as someone who cannot be trusted. (This all on top of the fact that the arm should be prosthetic more than anything because the Hydra arm certainly wasn’t, but, you know. Bucky’s feelings don’t matter.)

I would argue tfatws shows Bucky at his worst mentally.

There are hints of his genuine conviction of these trauma-borne beliefs all over tfatws, and sometimes he leans into it to get away with quite frankly reckless behaviour to the point he almost embraces it (“i am crazy”) but he also shows signs that he knows it can’t be the entire truth. The aforementioned dialogue between himself and Dr Raynor is no exception, and this will certainly depend on your interpretation of Sebastian Stan’s acting, but his face is so resigned and tired when he says goodbye because he’s so fucking done. It’s Bucky being done with Dr Raynor, really. I see him like that in any case. If he doesn’t see the subtlety in the false repetition (or the true meaning if you wanna go darker) he certainly feels as if Dr Raynor has just pushed him into deeply, deeply hurting one of the closest people he has to a friend right now. He’s also certainly been hurt by this entire interaction and by the events leading up to it, and they go completely unacknowledged. “don’t hurt anyone” takes Bucky’s own feelings completely out of the equation as something that fundamentally doesn’t matter, because it’s irrelevant toward Bucky making amends because that’s all that really matters to the people who pardoned him, and Dr Raynor by extension if you want to go there. After implying all of that with one single line, how can you still think this person has your best interest at heart? It confirms the belief that Bucky is an aggressor, Bucky is the one to hurt people, his own feelings and desires do not matter and good writing will pick up on it and bring this arc to a close properly post tfatws.

It pains me to see Bucky like this, but if it’s intentional, it’s beautiful and brilliant writing. I do hope he gets a proper arc to work through the fact that fundamentally he’s a victim first and foremost, because otherwise Ill need a hell of a justification as to why no one fucking sits him down (like the way it happens with other characters in the mcu, it’s not an mcu problem) and tells him he has to stop with that part of his life. It’s over, it’s done, and he’s done the most he can when he didn’t even need to in the first place. If they use this making amends arc to highlight how it’s borne out of Bucky fundamentally being driven by things that could only be classified as good if you wanted to classify them (i’m struggling for the right vocab here, please help me out lol) then i’m actually strangely cool with it. If not…. imma need marvel to justify that. Although given how they’ve yet to justify endgame!Steve….

so random thought, also TW for suicide.

once again bringing up the article where Dr. Raynors actress said Bucky’s therapy was important bc her character was working to keep Bucky from killing himself. I wonder if when they were making the three rules, if they ever talked about rule number 2 including himself. Like when she gave him the rule “don’t hurt anyone”, she pointed out that also meant he couldn’t hurt himself.

[moonsun2010]

How Squid Game (2021) Reinterprets Childhood

[Major Spoilers Alert]

Perhaps because childhood games are so inbaked into the show's very premise, but ive not seen a lot of, or any analysis of Squid Game through the lens of childhood so far. Most of the analysis seems largely focused on the themes of social inequality and humanity, which is perfectly fine--these are obviously major parts of the show, which has interesting commentary on both themes. What i think is worth examining though, is how Squid Game pays homage to and reinterprets the concept of "childhood". It'll be remiss not to address them.

The episode that actually made me think about how Squid Game is linked to childhood was episode 6, appropriately titled "Gganbu" (yeah feel free to cry now I know I did when I first saw that). Like, I know that Squid Game's entire premise is Adults play Deathly Childhood Games, but only when Old man (i know he's Il-nam but it just feels right to call him Old man) and Gihun made the promise to be Gganbu did it really hit me that theyre not just forming friendships, but specifically reliving their childhoods. The set design adds to this idea too: we first begin with bright morning skies in "Red Light, Green Light", less sunny but still bright blue skies in the Honeycomb game, and now sunset skies in Ep 6. Sunset is usually when all the games end, when its time to return home. Hence the prop backalleys not just being remniscient of where these games were played, but also reminding us that at the end of the day, these games have to end. For Old man and Gihun, their game has to end as well. Previously the show let both the characters and the audience continue under the hope that maybe all these characters will survive, maybe the police officer will get help in time yknow? But Ep 6 bursts that bubble in reminding the audience that there can only be one winner. And in a game where losing is death, combined with their pact to be Gganbu, the sunset all at once represents the nostalgic feeling of regret at having to end a game, and also the death of their friendship. That's part of why its so heartbreaking when Old man is "killed", because its not just a loss of a beloved character, but perhaps also striking a personal nerve as we remember our own feelings of regret at having to end playtime with friends. And looking at Ep 9, when we find out the Old man was the mastermind, the death of their friendship becomes true in more ways than one. Jiyeong and Saebyeok's friendship represents a different kind of ending, with their friendship being more remniscient of the temporary friends youd make in the play area and then have to leave, never to see them again.

I don't think its a coincidence that when the players split into different groups (after player 101's group's murder spree), that it feels kind of like the stereotypical bully clique vs victims dynamic in schools. Whether the writers intended it is irrelevant, because that dynamic makes Minyeo's later "defection" from their group to Gihuns group for Tug of War fit so well into the "low grade bully gets kicked out from the bully group and allies with the victims" trope. Highschool dramas are rife with this! It works well in establishing a sense of camaderie and hope, which makes the later deaths all the more painful :)

Then with Gihun and Sangwoo's final showdown, we have flashbacks of them(?) as children playing squid game. It draws a direct parallel to their current grown up Squid Game. This contrast between the relatively innocent violence of the childhood version and the lethal violence of the adult version suggests the reason for such a drastic change is because of the pressure of adult life. Under the pressure of debt and death, childhood games become a microcosm of the larger "games" played in adulthood. With the artifical blue skies of the initial Red Light Green light game transformed into a dark rainy set by the natural thunderclouds overhead, it further emphasises how the line between childhood games and adult "games" are blurred.

Once Sangwoo kills himself, ending the game, the clouds clear and the VIPS (representative of the corrupting force of adulthood/debt/capitalism??) disappear. Gihun can now return to his adult life, but at the cost of his childhood friendships. The way Squid Game reenacts both the negetive and positive aspects of these childhood games really heightens its tragedy because above all, there's no real way to return to that childhood without warping it in some way.

[linkspooky]

Kunikida + Oda: Death of a Good Man

While Kunikida and Oda have never met in canon they are characters with a lot in common. They both essentially play the same role, as the moral center of their respective groups (particularly acting as a conscience for Dazai). They both share the same strengths and weaknesses. However, one lives and one dies. MORE UNDER THE CUT. 

1. Relationship with Dazai

Dazai is a character who has trouble seeing himself as a person. That is, he doesn’t see himself as the same as everyone else. (His ability is titled No Longer Human, surprise, surprise). Oda says as much to Dazai, that traditional values like good or evil don’t really mean that much to him. 

“Whether you’re on the side that takes lives, or the side that saves them nothing beyond your own expectations will happen. Nothing in this world can fill the hole that is your loneliness. You will wander for eternity.” 

...

“Be on the side that saves people. If both sides are the same, then choose to be a good person.” - Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era

It’s not that Dazai is a sociopath, or even unfeeling, it’s just that he is so distanced from his own humanity, and from other people. He genuinely believes he can’t feel the same way as they do. Dazai even described the way he saw himself to Fyodor. 

Dazai tells Fyodor that he feels like he’s sperate from everyone else. It’s like he’s the player, and everybody else is pieces on the game board. But, even though he might come up with strategies and move the pieces, he’s not really the one changing things, or affecting other people’s lives because he’s not right there in the middle of things he’s far away. 

Dazai even flashes back to Oda and Gide’s final showdown when trying to explain this feeling to Fyodor. Oda his closest and only friend at the time, who he could not reach out to and save. Dazai believes he can’t touch other people, he can’t reach out and save them, because he sees himself as lacking in feelings or a heart. Which is why, Dazai relies on the people around him. Dazai attached himself to Oda when he was in the Mafia, and then again to Kunikida when he was detective agency to essentially act as his heart, his external conscience for him. That’s the relationship he shares with both of them. It’s why the first two light novels are essentially about Dazai, but narrated from the point of view of his partner at the time. Light novel one is about his partnership with Kunikida, and Light Novel 2 is about his friendship with Oda back in the dark age. The connection between them is that both Oda, and Kunikida are good, just men who have tried to understand Dazai in one way or another. 

The events of both light novels even mirror each other to an extent. Entrance exam is about Dazai joining the agency, Dark Era is about Dazai leaving the mafia. Entrance exam is about Kunikida failing to understand Dazai, but learning to trust him anyway. Dark Era is about Oda being the only one who fully understands Dazai, but then not listening to him at the end of the story. They both end with a symbolic death, Oda commits double suicide with Gide, whereas Kunikida pretends to shoot Dazai in order to follow his plan. 

Dazai’s a master strategist, but he’s not a leader of men, nor does he have any particular ideals he stands for. Dazai was given a position of leadership within the port mafia, and not only did he spend the entire time tormenting his closest subordinate but he didn’t care about the lives of his subordinates the way Chuuya does. 

Dazai sees Kunikida as someone having the ideals he does not have, therefore doing what he cannot, and being what he cannot be to others. This is a role Oda used to serve as his one and only friend. However, while they occupy the same spot as Dazai’s most trusted person their relationships with him are very different.

Kunikida is very combative with Dazai and always fighting against him. He personally expects Dazai to be better in all aspects. He scolds him for being lazy and neglecting his work. When Dazai messes with other people or manipulates them, it’s Kunikida who is the first to get frustrated with him. Kunikida also, tends to lack a fundamental understanding of Dazai. It’s a running joke that he’s always a step behind him (he’s the last person to find out Dazai was a mafia member when everyone else already knew). The literal first thing established about their relationship in the first chapter, is that they are constantly fighting with each other. They barely make it through a dinner with Atsushi. 

However, Kunikida also listens to Dazai when it’s important. It’s the other way around with Oda, Oda is someone who does fundamentally understand who Dazai really is deep down. However, at the same time Oda doesn’t really try to exert any influence over Dazai until the very end of his life. Their relationship was defined by being distant to one another, and not asking questions.

The reason why Ango and I were able to be by his side was that we understood the solitude that surrounded him, and we never stepped inside it no matter how close we stood. 

But in that moment, I kind of regretted not stepping in and invading that solitude.

Dazai Osamu and the Dark Era. 

 Him, Ango and Dazai could only keep meeting as the Buraiha at the Lupin bar if they pretended to not know anything about what each other did outside of the bar. They’re different in one main aspect, Kunikida fights Dazai, and Oda doesn’t start fighting until it’s almost far too late. 

2. Living and Dying for One’s Ideals

One more direct parallel between the two is that Kunikida and Oda are both characters who strive to live up to the ideal they find in a book. Literally. Kunikida obsessively writes out his ideals in his notebook where he has his whole future planned out.

What are ideals? There are innumerable answers to that question. One could say it’s merely a term, or an idea, or perhaps even the soruce of all meaning. But if you ask me, the answer is obvious. It’s the word written on the cover of my notebook.  My notebook has all the answers. It is my creed, my master, and a prophet that guides me. At times, it can either be a weapon ro a solution. Ideals. Everything I am is written in this notebook which I always carry with me. My entire future lies within it - Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exam

Oda picked up a book and loved it so much he wanted to write the ending for himself.

After worrying about it for so long, I came to one conclusion.  “Then you write what happens next.” I decided to write about it myself. I would become a novelist, and write a story about why the man stopped killing. But to become a novelist, I needed to sincerely know what it meant to live. So, I stopped killing. -   Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era. 

Kunikida and Oda are both characters who find their will to live for the future within the pages of a book. Which makes sense as both characters struggle with lofty ideals and a harsh reality. Oda and Kunikida are characters written about the struggle to be a good man, in a world that is not good. To hold ideals, in a world that is not ideal. This once again ties back to what Dazai said to Fyodor, God isn’t perfect harmony, he’s illogical and absurd.

The world isn’t ideal and orderly. It’s extremely, extremely messy. Kunikida and Oda are both characters who strive to be better, and want the world to be better and because of that they fall into conflict. However, Oda lost his fight, and Kunikida is still fighting. Part of why Dazai got so attached to Kunikida is also because he saw Oda’s ideals within Kunikida, and knew that carrying those ideals could crush him so easily. 

“Justice is a weapon. It can be used to harm, but it cannot protect and save others.”  -Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exams

The meanings of Dazai’s words are clear when you look at them in the context of what he learned after losing Oda. Oda decided to throw his life away to avenge the children after Gide. He achieved justice then. However, nobody was saved. The children were already dead. Oda himself wasn’t saved. Dazai lost his only friend. 

“Something?” I looked at Dazai. “There isn’t anything, Dazai. It’s all over. Everything. Whatever else happens now is meaningless - just like I’m about to do. AM I wrong?”  “Odasaku...” Dazai said softly. “Forgive me for the absurd wording but - don’t go. Find something to rely on. Expect good things to happen from here on out. There’s gotta be soemthing...”

[...]

Oda’s march against Gide isn’t just tragic, it’s a deliberate choice. It was a suiide. He’s given several oppurtunities to just walk away, or wait for something else to give him a reason to live and he doesn’t. His final actions hurt more than they helped. Yes, he did save Dazai in a way by throwing his life away, but Dazai also lost the person who could understand him. Oda could have lived. He could have done more if he had lived. Dazai even says so in dead apple, saving people is the more beautiful path, but you have to be alive to see that beauty. 

This is also why Kunikida and Oda have such a connection to Dazai. Underneath their struggles to be a good man they are both constantly dealing with suicidal feelings. 

Kunikida is far more fragile than he lets on. Part of the reason he attaches himself to ideals rather than people, is because caring about people hurts, and he is so afraid of failing the people in his life (the same way Oda eventually failed to protect the children) that he can’t admit the depth to which he cares about them.

Kunikida struggles to save everyone in front of him, but that’s also because Kunikida is internally someone who is very fragile. He can’t handle the loss, especially losing those he is close to. When Atsushi is hospitalized after his first fight with Akutagawa, he pretends to be unconcerned. When Atsushi wants to save Kyoka, Kunikida tries to persuade him to not save her. Oda and Kunikida are both avoidant characters, Oda avoided ever stepping inside of Dazai’s loneliness, and Kunikida avoids getting close to others because they fear the people they cannot save. Kunikida cares so much and so deeply, that he’s completely shattered when he fails someone. 

Every strategy by the detective agency’s enemies relies on crushing Kunikida because he’s the easiest target. When he fails like this he wants to give up. Kunikida and Oda have this dark underside to their actions where they’re fighting continually to be better, but when they fail, they long to throw their lives away and give up the struggle. 

Part of the reason they’re attracted to Dazai is deep down Kunikida and Oda both have the same suicidal feelings. Kunikida knows that his ideals will never live up to the reality. 

However, secretly he longs to fail so he won’t have to struggle against it anymore. 

“I let go of Dazai. I understand what he’s aying. Perhaps righteousness isn’t something you seek in others, but something you search for inside of yourself. Even then... Miss Sasaki is dead, and so is Rokuzo.  All I’ve found in my search for righteousness within myself is a sense of hopelessness.”

Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exam

The question is can you continue to live? Even if you fail over and over again to do better. Even if the things you try to protect all die. Kunikida’s arc so far mirrors Oda’s. The things he told himself he would protect, he failed to. The promises he made, he breaks. He said he was never going to watch a child die in front of him, and then it happens. 

He said he was never going to fail to protect the agency again, but then the agency became the victims of the hunting dogs, and Kunikida had to go completely on the run. He said he was going to throw himself away in a big bang against the hunting dogs to show his ideals would never fail, and instead.

He even loses his ideals and his ability to write in the notebook. So, what is the difference between Kunikida and Oda that allows Kunikida to keep struggling where Oda did not. I think it’s not really a difference between them, so much as it’s a difference between Dazai. Dazai’s grown since then and realized his mistakes with Oda, and because of that doesn’t stay at a comfortable distance from Kunikida.

Dazai has grown enough between then and now he’s able to reach people who feel similiarly to him. He understood the suicidal feelings of both Kunikida, and Oda, but he didn’t reach out to Oda until it was too late. However, Dazai has grown to the point where he not only understands Kunikida’s struggle and sympathizes with him, but he’s also able to say the words he couldn’t say to Oda until it was too late. 

There’s no such thing as a point of no return. There is no point where everything is already over. Even if you fail to protect someone, even if you fail to protect everyone. 

"Anything I would never want to lose will be lost. It is given that everything that is worth wanting will be lost the moment I obtain it. There's nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging life of suffering."

Dazai is still the same person that said this. Deep down that’s what Kunikida and Oda both fear, that after Oda failed the orphans, that after Kunikida could not save an innocent child in front of them, that no matter how hard they fought all of their attempts to protect someone would fail that way. At which point their fighting seemed to become meaningless.

Dazai knowing those feelings has moved past that lament. He still believes that the struggle may be meaningless, but he reassures them that they can keep fighting anyway. 

If there’s no great glorious ideal to live for, if nothing we do matters, than all that matters is what we do. The world isn’t good, the world will never be as good as we want it to be, yet Kunikida can still strive to be good in the face of that.

[askmerriauthor]

Jedi: Fallen Order thoughts 2/?

Discussion on "Star Wars - Jedi: Fallen Order". First post here, spoilers and lengthy rambling after the jump.

Honestly, I love this box art so much purely for the facts that 1) I made sure to remove that poncho the instant I could because the game's cloth dynamic rendering had it flailing about wildly as if it were trying to attack the universe through sheer defiance of physics in every cutscene. And 2) see that alien dude on the left with a pistol? In-game, he's an utter coward who never once participates in anything remotely resembling violence and sure as hell never wields a gun. It just reminds me of how Kirby is always given angry eyebrows in the US because marketing people are fucking stupid and think players won't be drawn to the game with an abjectly cute mascot.

So! The story.

As mentioned in my previous post, "Fallen Order" basically wants to tell a Found Family tale about a ragtag group of remnants who leave behind their previous lives and forge a new future together. We have our main character Cal Kestis; a former Padawan who survived Order 66 and has been in hiding for a handful of years. Cere Junda; a former Jedi who's cut herself off from The Force, Greez Dritus; a gambling addict pilot with a troubled past he's trying to leave behind, and BD-1; an annoyingly named but utterly lovable Droid who is far and away the best character in the entire damn game. There's also Nightsister Merrin; the presumably last survivor of the Nightsisters and potentially Cal's love interest, but she basically only shows up in the last 10 minutes of the game and doesn't get a lot of screentime despite being presented as a major part of the cast.

The game takes place a handful of years after the purge of the Jedi in Order 66, where both Cal and Cere's core character thrust is tied into. Cal was a child who survived only due to his master sacrificing his life to save him and has been wracked with guilt and PTSD ever since. Cere, on the other hand, unintentionally abandoned her own Padawan and other younglings, directly leading to their death, corruption by the Dark Side, and almost falling to the Dark Side herself. The bulk of the narrative throughout the game is dealing with the relationship these two have with one another, coming to terms with their own trauma, and moving forward from there. Meanwhile, the overall plot itself focuses around finding a Holocron that has a map and list of Force-sensitive children throughout the galaxy, which the gang can use to rebuild the Jedi Order while also keeping it - and thus the children - out of The Empire's hands. The whole series of events culminates in a big showdown between Cere's former Padawan whom she abandoned and became corrupted into an Inquisitor, Cal contending with his own guilt, and the decision on whether or not the gang has the right to interfere with the Force-sensitive children's lives and potentially put them in danger if another purge were to occur.

On paper, it's a solid enough story. The actual execution leaves something to be desired.

Something I absolutely hate in games (which has become frustratingly abundant in recent years) is the illusion of choice. If a player is presented with choosing A, B, or C, that decision should matter. Which path is taken should have impact, consequence, and change the course of the story. If all three routes converge back together at the same outcome regardless of what you picked, then your choice never mattered at all. "Fallen Order' suffers from this. There are fairly sporadic points in the game where you're given the option to choose how Cal will reply to a given conversation, or whether or not to take a certain action, but it doesn't matter at all. The conversation's outcome nor the overall story isn't affected by your choice (or even if you bother to have the conversation at all), and the any time you try to do something other than what the game wants you to do, it'll just reset itself endlessly until you cooperate. You have no choice in the matter, but the game makes it appear as if you do to emulate your involvement.

I absolutely hate this in games. If a game presents you with choices, then your choices should have consequences. Your input should matter. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a linear, plot-driven game where the player has no direct input on the narrative. If anything, that gives the story even greater opportunities to shine because it allows the writers and directors to be in full control of the presentation, characterization, and story.

At the risk of sounding like a cranky old man, this is very much a "back in my day!" sort of situation where older games wouldn't shy away from simply locking a player out of content if they chose a certain path. If you pick A, you don't get to see what happens down B or C. If you want to join the Jets, you don't get to join the Sharks. If you want to see what lies down those other routes, then replay the game and make different decisions. Sometimes it was a specific design choice, other times it was a way to handle hardware/programming restrictions. But there's a big notion these days in particular where there's a desire to make sure the player sees all the game's content up front. I anecdotally chalk it up to an increase in non-gamers entering into video game development at management level and making design decisions they're not qualified for, but that's just my own take. Like, I understand the thought process behind it. "We have all this content, so we want to make it a selling point and ensure the player gets to see all of it! If they play our game and miss a bunch of stuff, they might bitch at us and cause reviews". I get it, I do. But it's also bullshit because it directly harms the final product. If a game is good, players will replay it ad nauseum for ages beyond release. So they're going to see all the content one way or another. When the "we have to let the player access all content up front" mind set is in effect, it means the player's choices ultimately don't matter and the resulting abundance of content is quantity rather than quality.

In the case of "Fallen Order", your choices don't matter one bit and it's not even out of a case of accessing content. For some reason the developers put in this vestigial, pointless façade of a dialogue tree and choice system when the game frankly would've been far stronger if it had just been left out entirely. Developers have to invest one way or another. Either make it a fully narrative-driven game and tell a solid story, or make it a player-driven game and put in the effort to make the player's choices matter. Especially in a Star Wars game, as RPGs in this franchise have historically have Light/Dark Side choices, character deaths, and alternate endings based on your decisions. A big part of "Fallen Order"'s story is characters contending with the risk of falling to the Dark Side because of their trauma, but the game itself never actually gives the player any chance to explore that at all. It's a huge missed opportunity either way.

I think that's where a lot of the story's trouble comes from in the end. It's a lot of build up on a good idea that fizzles out and goes nowhere. Cal spends the entire game getting to a point where he's ready to move on, and then the game ends. Cere comes to terms with her past mistakes and tries to redeem her fallen Padawan, only for said fallen Padawan to be killed abruptly and completely cut off that entire story thread. Greez's past coming back to haunt him is shoe-horned in randomly and never goes anywhere. Merrin doesn't have enough time on screen to matter. There are three major villains throughout the game who are just cast aside casually and with no lingering impact for ever having been there. The biggest final boss, who has been the core antagonist and a major point of emotional conflict for the entire game, is discarded with no resolution because this is a Star Wars game and we just can't have one that doesn't feature Darth Vader sweeping in to steal the spotlight.

It's just... ugh. There's potential here. There's obvious, glowing moments of potential where things could've been developed into something really impressive if they were just given the opportunity. It feels like a huge waste and the end result is just a "meh" game that doesn't go anywhere, doesn't contribute to the setting, and could very easily be dismissed entirely from the franchise with absolutely no impact.

[mshermia]

What’s In Your Heart - Webpril 03: Soul World

summary: 

Peter had been dodging Tony for weeks now. A few months after the world was saved, Tony wasn't sure what he had done but every time they had scheduled a day at the lake house, Peter found a new excuse to cancel.

Or, Peter struggles with the aftermath of the Snap.

read on AO3

###

"What the hell is wrong with my cooking?" Pepper had spun around, not too far off from that metaphorical steam coming out of her ears.

Tony was on thin ice. On very thin ice. No matter how much his awesome brain had been praised left and right over the past decades, it sure was failing him now.

"Nothing is wrong with it. And while I personally love your lentil and chicken sausage stew, I'm not sure the kid has the pallet to appreciate your hard work, honey," he rambled, trying not to stumble over his words. "Plus we're out of kale."

Pepper shrugged up her arms in bewilderment. "How are we out of kale? I just bought some yesterday!"

"Erm..." Tony quickly moved away from her, fiddling with the tab and a jug for a bit to hide the cringe on his face. "I think Madame Secretary fed it to the chickens instead of the lettuce leaves." Tony ignored Pepper's groan of annoyance and pressed on back to the topic at hand. "So, I was thinking I can just order in Thai food when he gets here. You know how the kid loves Thai food."

With a deep breath, she rubbed two fingers over the crease between her eyebrows. "When will he be here?"

"Sometime after lunch," Tony said quickly, adding a quieter, "I think".

"So, we're not entirely sure if he'll be here," Pepper clarified, her arms crossed in front of her. "Again."

"He'll be here," Tony waved her off. "He'll be here."

By 5 o'clock, Tony was bent over his workbench in the basement. Elbows perched on the tabletop and head balanced between both hands, he was staring at nothing in particular, wondering what he'd done wrong. He'd been down there for a while when Pepper's soft steps echoed off the walls as she came down the stairs. Tony didn't bother to move, didn't even bother to pretend that he had been doing anything but mope over the fact that Peter had not shown up. One hand tangled in his hair, the other cradling his face, Pepper pulled him close, his head dipping against her chest.

"Did he message you?"

"No..." Tony mumbled against the fabric of her shirt. It wouldn't be long now though. The kid had not been shy for excuses whenever he had canceled lab time.

"Did you guys have a fight?"

Tony turned his head to the side, wrecking his brain and not for the first time. Had they had a fight? Had he done something wrong? 

Things had been perfectly fine right after that last showdown. Well, fine might not be the best word. Tony hadn't been fine, physically at least, but Peter had stuck by his side, never far off when Tony would wake up from a procedure. Every time he had found the kid next to his bed, Tony had been elated. 5 years of agony without him and then, there he was like he had never been gone.

Things had been fine and Tony had no idea where he had gone wrong.

"Maybe it's nothing you have done, hm? It has to be a shock for all of them. Coming back to a world that's so different than what they remembered."

"Yeah," Tony mumbled. "Maybe..."

Just then, his phone lit up with a received message. Pressing his eyes shut, he turned his face back towards Pepper. He didn't need to see it. He had gotten that message too many times already.

It was always the same. Whenever they had finally set a new date, there was something that had come up. Homework. Decathlon practice running long. A late patrol, he needed rest from. May had asked him to stay after all.

"He says that he has a project for school that he's had to finish today and he's not quite done yet and that it'll be too late to come over afterwards," Pepper read out loud for him.

Schoolwork. On a Saturday.

She ruffled her hand through Tony's hair and pressed a kiss on top of his head. "I can still make some stew?"

Tony grimaced against her. "I don't like it with no kale."

With a soft laugh, she pressed another kiss to his head, then untangled Tony's arms from her waist. "Well, me and your daughter will be up there waiting for when you're done feeling sorry for yourself, okay?"

"Funny," Tony grunted, slumping against the top of his workbench again. Pepper was halfway up the stairs when he called out to her. "Is it me? Am I... am I expecting too much after... after everything? Maybe it was all just in my head?"

"Babe, I think I'm the wrong person to ask all that." She tilted her head with a sigh. "Just talk to Peter."

Tony leaned back in his chair, eyes on his fingers toying with the nanites on his right hand. Sure, talking was his area of expertise. Feelings, not so much.

 #

 It had been a long time since Tony had been to the city. Even with all the years, he had lived in Manhattan, that lake house had been terribly easy to get used to. The glare of the streetlights of Queens was definitely something Tony could live without. His fingers drummed on the steering wheel as he squinted up at the apartment building.

This was a horrible idea.

Tony straightened the sleeves of his jacket as the elevator doors opened onto the floor of Peter and May's apartment. He hadn't felt this awkward ringing at someone's door since his first date in college and back then his biggest worry had been if his fake ID was convincing enough. He brushed his knuckles against the apartment door softly first, then a little hard before he stepped back a little. As the door flew open, it was neither Peter nor May who stood in the frame.

Happy, dresses in boxer shorts and a white t-shirt, was the last person Tony had expected to run into at the Parker's apartment.

"Erm..." Tony blinked a couple of times, his mouth gaping just a bit too wide for his standards.

"Tony! What..." Happy's eyes had grown round and big, his complexion paling as he tugged down the hem of his shirt a little further. "What... what are you doing here?"

"Yeah," Tony mumbled. "Yeah, me... I'm the surprise."

Happy's mouth clapped shut. He retreated a little further into the apartment but there was no convenient place for him to hide.

"Do you need more change?" May called from somewhere within the apartment.

"Er, no..." Happy stammered, his voice pitched far too high. "It's... er...." He cringed at Tony, clearly unsure what to say. "All good here."

Tony rubbed a hand over his face. "I just want to talk to Peter."

"Peter?" Happy's shoulders lost a little of their tension. "Peter's not here."

"What?" Whatever awkward energy had been pulsing through Tony before went flat at once. "He was supposed to come to the lake house today and then sent me a messaged to cancel."

Happy frowned. "He did?" His hand shot up and scratched the back of his neck. "May said he's spending the night at Ned's."

"Oh." That stung. Tony couldn't deny it.

"Come on, give the kid a break," Happy sighed. "Listen, I know you missed him and you did all... all that stuff for him, but he needs some time for his friends, too. Don't be an ass about it."

Tony's heart gave an unpleasant squeeze. "Excuse me?"

"Hey..." Happy pulled his hands up, giving him a look like he didn't want to fight. "I'm just saying. He's been out there with you every other day. He's 17. He needs to live a little." A hot flush rose on Happy's face. "I mean like... do some... some teenage stuff."

Stunned, Tony stared up at him. Just as he was working past his confusion enough to get out a mumble 'What the fuck are you talking about?' did the elevator doors open once again.

"Oh, thank god," Happy groaned holding out money for the delivery driver to take. "Listen Tony, I'd really appreciate it if you could keep all this..." He vaguely gestured at himself and the apartment. "...to yourself. May wants to wait for the right moment to tell him, so, please just, you know..."

"Right," Tony breathed. "I'll... er..." He pointed back at the elevator where the delivery man had already disappeared again. "I guess I'll head home then."

With an awkward little wave, balancing the take-out, Happy closed the door leaving Tony alone in the quiet hallway. His heart was beating harder and faster with every passing second, dread spreading through his veins.

"FRI," he muttered. The nanites in his right hand illuminated at the sound of his voice. "Find Peter. Now."

 #

 It was only thanks to how fast FRIDAY found him, that Tony managed to calm himself enough to take the car instead of commanding the suit to encase him. Well, that and the fact that Peter was less than 15 minutes drive away from the Parker's apartment.

Mount Olivet Cemetery was quiet. The gates had been closed, visiting hours for the public long over. It left Tony with few options but to suit up after all once he was out of sight of the main gate and then hover over the high fence. He walked the rest of the way guided by FRIDAY until he found Peter sitting in the grass.

He didn't look up at Tony but didn't hesitate to speak when he had walked up behind him. "What are you doing here?"

Tony crossed his arms, carefully to keep his own bruised ego in check. "I went to your place because I thought that maybe we should talk about why you're avoiding me. Of course, then I heard that you're at Ned's and I thought cool, I wonder how the kid's friend is living it up. Was expecting a little something different, not gonna lie. Needs better lighting. Also, I'm quite a fan of this thing called central heating."

"That's hilarious," Peter mumbled.

With a sigh, Tony dropped his arms. He walked up the last couple of steps to Peter and sat down in the grass next to him. The October air was not quite frosty yet but far from comfortable.

"What's going on?"

Peter shrugged. "What do you think?"

"Well, I was hoping you'd lie to your Aunt and me about a secret party schedule or a teenage romance you wanted to keep quiet." 

The quiet brooding, the way Peter stared ahead, not baited at all was so unlike him.

"You know, don't you?" Tony kept his eyes on him. "About Happy?"

Peter's chin was resting on his pulled-up knees, eyes staring ahead at the gravestone of Ben Parker.

"Kid?" There were goosebumps on Tony's skin, but now was not the time to freak out.

"Yeah." He hesitated for a moment, then added, "May invites him over when she thinks I'm at your place. Or at Ned's."

"And then you come here instead?"

"Sometimes," Peter whispered.

Tony pressed his eyes shut, battling the rising resentment that Peter would rather sit here alone than to come to him, only to hate himself for making it about himself.

"What's going on, buddy?"

Peter huffed out a breath. "You wouldn't understand."

Both of his hands braced against the wet grass underneath him, Tony swallowed the testy remark that was burning on his tongue. "You're a smart kid. I'm sure you'll find a way to explain."

"Yeah? Well, maybe I'm not as smart as you thought. Maybe I'm not—" Peter pursed his lips, gave his head a little shake.

"You're right," Tony nodded. "Maybe I don't know what it's like. It was just you and May and now you come back and this all seems to have happened too fast and—"

"That's not..." He shook his head again, this time a little more forceful. "It's not that. She's... she's happy and I want that. She deserves that."

"Pete, I'm sure they just don't want to overwhelm you. If you talk to her and—"

"Just drop it," he hissed. "This isn't your problem."

Tony bit the inside of his lip, painfully hard at that. His eyes had snapped away, now squinting down at his own chest, watching it rise and fall with the deep breaths he sucked in, hoping to calm the temper that was blazing up inside him.

"Maybe..." Tony blew out another low breath, determined to keep the edge out of his voice. "Maybe the fact that I'm here and asking should tell you that I'm rather willing to make this my problem, Pete."

For the first time, the kid's head moved just enough that he could squint in Tony's direction. After a moment of hesitation, his eyes flickered back to the grass in front of Ben Parker's headstone. "You're happy now." Peter pressed his lips flat with a little shake of his head. "You don't need this. It's not fair to you."

"No, buddy, what's not fair is you being out here lying to us about where you are. After everything." Tony sucked in a deep breath. "After 5 years of missing you."

Peter hid his face behind his hands and just when Tony thought he had gone too far, pushed too much, the kid's arms dropped drown to his knees. "If I tell you, you can't say anything to May."

"Pete—"

"You have to promise me." At last, he looked right at him, eyes pleading. "She can't know."

Tony held his stare, hoping that maybe it would be enough for Peter to yield, but he didn't falter for even a moment. Tony inclined his head at him, banking on the terms changing after he knew what was going in.

"Alright then."

For a moment, Peter didn't move at all. Then he slung his arms around his legs, pulling them a little closer to his chest like it would help to hold onto his composure when he would speak. Only, he didn't speak. He stared into thin air, lips trembling but not a single word rolled off his tongue.

"Pete?"

As if pulled from a dream, his head snapped in Tony's direction, his eyes swimming with tears. 

"I saw... I saw Ben," Peter whispered. "I... Just for a moment. Or..." He narrowed his eyes a little in thought. "Or I thought it was just a moment but now... I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe... maybe it was longer."

"You mean..." Tony swallowed hard, nerves fluttering in his stomach. "After. When you were gone?"

Peter nodded, a first tear dropping off his lashes.

It wasn't surprising. In fact, it was quite in line with what Tony had thought this might be about. Stories of those who had been dusted seeing dead loved ones had sparked up soon after those lost during the Snap had returned.

A trip to heaven for the fallen, was what the tabloids had coined it. A nice sentiment for some, Tony was sure, but they didn't know what he knew. They didn't know about the Stones.

Tony moved a little closer. One hand on the back of Peter's head, his thumb brushed through the kid's hair. "It's normal to miss him, bud. You think May doesn't still—"

"It's not..." Peter shook his head, causing Tony's hand to fall down to his shoulder instead. "It's... I can't explain. You wouldn't understand."

The inside of Tony's lip was sore where his teeth had been grazing and biting, giving an outlet to his own nerves. "I do, buddy. I understand. It's..." He blew out some air, centering himself. "It's unreal. Beyond words, beyond explaining. I... Honestly, I thought it might have been a reaction to the anesthetics at first before I— Well, anyway..."

Peter had sat up at that, his eyes red, eyebrows drawn together. His eyes flickered over Tony's face, studying him while his jaw moved like he was gritting his teeth.

Tony squeezed his shoulder. "All I mean is that all this, magic tricks and... and Infinity Stones, their effects, it's not logical. It's not something we understand yet. Maybe we will one day. If you want to..." Tony shrugged. "We could try and figure out the energy structure of—"

"You saw something?" Peter whispered.

Tony swallowed hard, fighting his instincts to look away, to reach for his glasses, something to shield the uncertainty that had been plaguing him for the past few months.

Peter's eyebrows twitched. "When you... did you see something? When you... did the thing?"

"Did the thing?" He dipped his head at Peter, trying for some humor. Inappropriate, outrageous, the cliché he was supposed to embody.

"When you... when you snapped the gauntlet. When you died..." Peter sucked in a shaky breath, his eyes never leaving Tony's face. "You saw something then?"

Tony swallowed hard. "I didn't die, kid."

"You... you were gone. The arc it was—"

"The nano housing unit's structural integrity was destroyed by the stones. I didn't die, buddy. I— Hey..." Tony moved a little closer, his arm now wrapped around Peter's shoulder. His other hand cupped the kid's face. Peter's breathing had become uneven, panicked almost. "It's okay, kid. Just breathe. It's all good. I'm right here."

Peter nodded like he wanted to believe him, hot tears running down his cheeks onto Tony's hand. He might have tried to hide his tears from Tony before, but now that didn't seem to matter anymore. Just like it hadn't mattered after that last battle. Tony would never forget the fear on Peter's face on the battlefield that day. The way he had been curled up in a chair next to his hospital bed. It was the stuff his nightmares were made off, causing the kid that kind of pain, only second to those memories from Titan.

No, the kid was way past hiding his tears. His eyes were glued to Tony's face. Calmly, Tony mimicked for Peter to breathe in, hold the air, then breathe out. It wasn't like Peter didn't know what to do. This wasn't their first rodeo. Over the years, they'd been here more often than Tony really cared to admit.

They sat there for a while as Peter's heartbeat slowed, as his tears dried, his eyes a little more focused. It took effort for Tony to keep a light smile on his face as he looked right at Peter, not to pull away now. It took effort not to lie to the kid's face like he had been lying to himself, avoiding the trauma, the toll that day had taken on him.

"I do know, buddy. I... I did see it. Or at least I... I guess it was likely the same."

"You saw someone?"

"Yeah," Tony breathed. "My mom."

Peter's eyes widened. "Your... your mom?"

"Yeah." Tony nodded, trying not to think of her face now. "It was just a short flash. She didn't say anything. Just stood here and I... Come here, buddy." Tony pulled him close enough to wrap both arms around him. "I'm not sure, but I think it was the Soul Stone. The orange glow. Did you see that?"

Peter nodded against his chest and Tony hummed in agreement.

"Yeah, must have been that one. I think it just lets you see the people you love, the ones that are already gone. You know, what's in your heart."

Peter's hand shot up but not in time to stifle the sobs that bubbled out of him, deep and agonizing. It caught Tony by surprise. The only thing he could think of was to pull Peter a little tighter against him, mumbling soothing words, trying to calm him down.

"It's okay to miss them, bud. It's okay." When he kept his voice low, it was less likely to shake or worse, break.

"But I didn't... I didn't see them... My mom and dad." He shuffled in Tony's arms. "I loved them. I... I swear. I just... it was all so fast and I... I didn't know. I just didn't think and—"

"Oh buddy, shh. That's not... Maybe..." Tony blew out a breath, cursing himself. His chin was resting on top of Peter's head, his eyes burning for the kid. "Maybe it doesn't work like that, hm? Maybe it's not who you love. And maybe it's just one person, hm? I only saw one person."

"But Ned he... he saw his dad and... and all his grandparents and then..." Peter sucked in a few breaths, his voice muffled against Tony's chest. "He asked me if I saw my parents, too, and I... I lied. I said I did but— You can't tell May, please."

Tony pressed his eyes shut, his heart breaking for the pain the kid had been harboring.

"I swear, I love them," Peter mumbled. "I do. I don't... I don't know why... why they weren't there, why I didn't think, why—"

"Oh buddy, no, no, no. Come here...." Tony grabbed him by both his shoulders, maneuvering him in a way that Peter could look at him. "Hey, look at me for a moment. How old were you, hm? When they died?"

"I..." he frowned, fingers brushing away his tears. "Like... like 4..."

"Do you even remember what they looked like? I don't mean from pictures just... memories of them?"

Peter's eyes filled with more tears his chin trembling.

"Hey, no, I don't... Pete, it's not your fault if you don't, okay? You were so tiny. Just think how tiny Morgan is. If I had—" His lips slammed shut as he pushed the thought out of his mind. "Maybe it has nothing to do with what's in your heart, okay? Maybe it's all up here, hm? What you remember?" He tapped Peter's temple a couple of times, not looking away from him. "We just don't know. But I promise you, it's nothing you did wrong, okay?"

There was reluctance from Peter as he huffed and pressed his face back against Tony's chest.

One hand in his hair, Tony gave it a ruffle then softly tapped a finger against the back of Peter's head. "I know that big brain of yours is trying to rationalize everything that happened, but you gotta trust me with this, kid. This is not on you. I promise. I'm sure if love would have been enough you would have seen them."

Peter didn't say anything, he only held onto Tony, hands balled up in his jacket. The wet grass, the chilly October night, all of that didn't matter anymore. Tony would sit through a lot worse if it could take some of the pain away.

He still had his chin resting in Peter's hair. The kid had calmed down, his breathing even now, the sobs had subsided. Just when Tony was starting to wonder if he had fallen asleep did Peter's stomach give a rumbled that must have echoed through all of Queens.

"Wow! I think I'm gonna have to call animal control and warn them, just in case they get a bunch of calls for a starving wild animal running loose in Queens."

Peter snorted. "Don't be an ass, Tony..." The tiny giggle the kid had let slip, gave Tony hope, but it was forgotten just as fast. With a heavy sigh, Peter shook his head, his voice muffled in Tony's shirt. "You think it's too late? To drive out to the lake house tonight?"

His hand was still in Peter's hair, brushing back and forth through the strands. "Not if you stay till Monday..."

Peter's chest vibrated with another laugh.

"Fine," Tony sighed extensively. "Sunday night then?" He craned his neck a bit, trying to get a glimpse of Peter's reaction. "Only if you want to, buddy."

"I do," Peter nodded. "I do want to."

By the time they had left the city, Peter was curled up on the passenger seat, eyes closed. He looked peaceful like that, at ease. 

Tony blew out a quiet sigh as his eyes went back to the dark road. There was no point in pretending like things would be all dandy now. It wouldn't as simple as this, to have one talk and voila, trauma gone. No, this would take time but that was okay.

Time, they had.

[lizacstuff]

SCK/Edser Asks Episode 36 (+37 spec)

(asks under the cut)

Anonymous said: I really liked parts of SCK this week, but other parts made me want to scream. What did you think?

Same, same. This episode taken as an exercise in just watching Hande and Kerem doing their thing...  AMAZING. But... even they can’t save the writing. 

I’ll get into detail as I answer asks, but I felt this episode was a bit disjointed and I’m wondering if that is due to some of the alleged rewrites that happened. We know  for sure there were rewrites for Bige, for instance I’m guessing that the Serkan/Selin conversation was supposed to be in person and not on the phone and that it might have been watered down due to that. But even prior to that, we know that they delayed shooting for a day and a half and it was said to be because there were rewrites. I’m honestly wondering if they got the scripts and there wasn’t enough Eda and Serkan, and so maybe the producers had the writers go back and try and fix that and maybe that’s why there seemed to be some emotional inconsistencies scene to scene? Who knows, but I got that feeling just like I did with episode 24. Another one with great scenes that didn’t always make sense one after the other. 

That being said, lets jump in:

Anonymous said: Just me or did anyone else feel uneasy at how quickly everyone in SCK decided to just forget the last 6 weeks? Eda & Serkan were just so happy to be back together and we got lots of sweet moments but it just felt like something bad was going to happen. Plus did the characters (and the viewers) really go through all this pain just to gloss over it and pretend things were normal again? While I think the Selin pregnancy story will be wrapped up quickly mostly due to Bige’s current situation, I think (and hope) it has brought to light that Eda & Serkan have some work to do before getting married. They love each other but something feels off. The super quick proposal with a random ring just felt so wrong to me. I am still struggling with Serkan’s character and Eda needs some time to process everything that has happened.

Uneasy is a great word to describe how I was feeling. I think that was a huge problem with this episode.  It’s almost like as the audience we’re being gaslit. Like they write this huge traumatic, dramatic storyline, they have Serkan go through hell, break Eda’s heart over and over again, they have Selin and Deniz as awful, manipulative people terrorizing the protagonists, but then at the end the narrative is like *handwave* “Nah, you’re crazy, it wasn’t that bad. These people don’t need to talk about anything or heal, no apologizes, no emotional showdowns and the villains don’t need to be punished, we’ll all just move on.”

IT’S UNSETTLING AS A VIEWER. I feel cheated. I invested in this story, watched in week after week, and then they’re not even going to give us a remorseful, devastated Serkan? Everything was glossed over. They gave us some wonderful, sweet Edser scenes (especially visually) but on my first viewing it felt like this weird cloud was hanging over everything and I couldn’t really enjoy them because I kept expecting the narrative to make some sort of meaning out of everything they’d been through, and that did not happen. (notes on my second viewing down below) 

The problem is these writers. They seem fine at coming up with melodramatic plots and shocking cliffhangers, but they have no idea how to give the emotional pay off for what they’ve set in motion.  When you put your audience through hell, you owe them to really deliver the emotional climax and these writers dropped the ball pretty much in every way they could throughout this story.

The random ring felt very wrong, but I’m sure they didn’t want to go back to the flower for a proposal that wasn’t going to be successful. No need to make it even more cursed than it is. Serkan’s decision to propose while sweet, was way too soon. I think what the writers were going for was having him propose in front of all of their family and friends, because deep down he knows how much he hurt her when he proposed to Selin in front of all of them. There was a hint of that at the wedding when he wanted to make sure everyone knew how he felt. Especially with the imagery of him getting down on one knee. Getting down on one knee signifies loyalty, obedience and respect so I think there was a lot of significant to him laying himself open to her, and symbolically declaring himself subservient to her in front of everyone. 

It’s actually very sweet and does a bit of work in the righting of wrongs, but it’s misguided, and I’m glad it failed. Maybe if we hold out, there were be new writers before she next proposes! 

Anonymous said: The real crux of SCK is that these writers cannot write for Serkan. They do not understand his character and probably never watched previous episodes. Since episode 29, there almost seems to be an internal battle with the character because he jumps back & forth between almost being old Serkan & then a straight up cold jerk usually directed at Eda. Still felt it in this recent episode, honestly the only thing that seemed to change was having his memory back & being 100% sure that Eda loved him. Maybe Eda turning down the proposal and him confronting Selin about the pregnancy will finally bring him?

You know maybe that will bring him back. I agree with you, I very much doubt these writers have seen all the episodes, it almost seems like they’re writing him from a character description or something. 

On the other hand, I could see after being through a plane crash and having a brain injury, amnesia, PTSD and then weeks of brainwashing and manipulation, that Serkan might be different, especially at first as he adjusts to getting his memories back. I don’t know how retrograde amnesia usually works, if it’s just bits and pieces as he learns to access them or a flood, but I’m sure it’s a lot to handle.  And I would be FINE with that, if that was the story they were telling. That he’s overwhelmed and hasn’t processed everything yet, that he’s not exactly the same as he was. However... I have zero faith the writers are doing that on purpose or telling this story. They just ain’t that nuanced. 

Anonymous said: I am wracking my brain trying to come up with something to justify Serkan asking Selin to stay at the company & not sell her shares. Like how is that acceptable? And he wanted Eda to be happy with just getting an apology from Selin.....nope, still do not get it. We all know that Serkan does not love Selin but he is never willing to make her feel bad about awful decisions & never goes out of his way to humiliate or hurt her. Nope, he tends to save all of that for Eda.

As I was watching, that scene made my blood boil. BOIL. 

However, afterwards, I calmed down, and I can think of a few reasons to justify where Serkan’s head was at.  First, we don’t know what Serkan exactly remembers, or if he’s just been hyper focused on Eda. He might not have thought a ton about what Selin had done and how they parted when she left the country the first time around.  

Second, remember that Serkan does not know what we know. He doesn’t know that Selin has been actively conspiring with Deniz to keep him and Eda apart and working against them every step of the way. He doesn’t know that she sabotaged Eda’s presentation and Art Life, he doesn’t know that the car accident was fake, that her injuries were fake, that she has been stalking him or that she goaded Deniz in to running from signing the marriage thing. 

He doesn’t even know all the things she did in the past. He doesn’t know that she leaked that story to the press which caused Eda to faint. And he can’t even be sure she switched the addresses that caused them to miss each other at dinner, though we assume he suspected her. 

From what he said to her, he now has processed enough to realize that not all was on the up and up, she was trying to steal their love. Insert herself where she didn’t belong. But as soon as he said that, she started manipulating him again. She instantly turned herself in to the victim and put him on the biggest guilt trip ever. Blah Blah He called her. She was there for him. She loved him. She was trying to build their life together. Blah Blah Blah. All his fault. She’s spent months brainwashing him, that doesn’t wear off in a few hours.   Manipulation. Guilt. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I also think they wanted to show him being more than fair to her, so that he wasn’t the asshole in her story and it would be clear that he doesn’t deserve anything she’d done. We saw him tell her that he wants her to be happy, to show that he is a much better person than she is. She’s still trying to ruin his life, when he’s being more than fair and equitable about things. Plus the guilt is not new. He’s felt guilty about Selin since the beginning, because he knew he used Selin as an excuse to keep Eda near during the entire fake engagement period, and it led to her broken engagement with Ferit, that’s why she got away with a lot in the first 20 eps, Serkan's guilt, and she’s still playing on it. 

Also, lets remember he did give her that epic take down in 20. Which lets face it, does it get any more hurtful or humiliatingly to have your ex yell in your face that he never loved you and your childhood friend say that your friendship is over?  So I don’t entirely agree with you that he’s never done that. He has, it just took him seeing her hurt Eda to get him to act. 

You also say that he saves all his hurt and humiliation for Eda, first for most of that he had amnesia and was being brainwashed, so lets take that into account. Second, he also saves ALL his love, trust and admiration for her.  And I think that’s part of it, its the dynamics of the relationships. I don’t think Selin and Serkan really ever fought, there was no passion, there was no heat. They seemingly treated the relationship as an extension of a business relationship. Very cold and impersonal. Simply stated he rarely gets upset and angry with Selin, because he just doesn’t care. With Eda their relationship was built on passion. They spark. They argue, they like to argue. And for her, he cares more than he ever knew was possible. Falling in love and learning to be in love is part of the character’s journey on this show

It goes back to that scene in 18, where he came down a little hard on Eda. Maybe it’s not right, but from Serkan’s perspective, how he interact with them is very different because how he feels about them is very different. He said it during that conversation when Eda asked how he can be kind to Selin when she sold the shares, but discard her... and Serkan blurted out because he has never loved Selin. At that point she couldn’t inspire him to anger. But with Eda sometimes all the emotions overflows and erupts.  

Anyway, to that scene, yes it pissed me off, but I do think there is a way to justify it. Also I wonder if they watered it down and decided to save some of it since it had to be a phone conversation instead of in-person because of the death of Bige’s father?

That being said, I would have stood up and cheered if Eda said right then and there that it’s her or me. Serkan needed to be shaken out of his stooper and made to realize that they can not have Selin’s toxic presence anywhere near them and he needs to understand how hurt Eda was.  I’m hoping he just hadn’t had time to put all the pieces together yet. 

Anonymous said:Mar 21 · a day ago 1) i've seen the garage scene has been making its round across the fandom as the #1 example of how "this is not our serkan" because of he was "being cold." what are your thoughts on it? because to me.. they were literally just stress bickering and then made up. eda wasn't offended by anything, so why is the fandom tied in knots over it? isn't this what we wanted from them? for them to bicker and fight but at the end of it just BE together? i guess i saw that scene differently than most people.

I think that’s exactly how that scene was supposed to be taken. IMO it was the writer’s attempt to insert an argument (because Serkan and Eda’s relationship is always going to have arguing, and the audience loves it, so they have to find a way to give us that every so often) to get that dynamic going. 

But the problem is the narrative didn’t earn Serkan bickering with her after everything that’s happened. If you take that scene and insert it after they’ve had a heartfelt talk where Serkan has acknowledge how hurt Eda was through everything and we saw real remorse from him, then those scenes are absolutely fine. Well minus the one line where Serkan tried to dismiss her talking about things with, “Didn’t we talk about this yesterday?” That was not great. Serkan has not earned the right to shut down any line of conversation about his amnesiac behavior. 

The writers are just so BAD! They trapped them together with nothing to do but talk, this was the perfect opportunity for them to actually go deep and real and to have Eda tell him how hurt she’d been and for Serkan to really show some emotion and let us see that it hurt him that he hurt her. But they didn’t do that. 

I went back and rewatched these scenes and I enjoyed them. Hande and Kerem were great. Without the angst of expectation hanging over them, they’re good scenes. As two people under stress from a race-against-the-clock situation, stuck in a garage and arguing about that, and then making up they were fun.  It’s just that lack of emotional consistency after everything they’ve been through that is a problem. 

I have no idea why the writers didn’t have the big conversation between them. They gave hints of it. We saw Serkan offer an apology while dancing the night before and Eda shut it down. They had some tender moments in his loft, but it wasn’t enough because we really didn’t see that Serkan was hurt by how he hurt Eda.  He seemed to realize that he needed to apologize and that she was the hero and that he needed to make things up to her, but the thing that was missing was them really talking about it. And that would have been okay, Eda was exhausted, both physically and emotionally after everything, but then they should have addressed it later in the episode. 

Anonymous said: Can we talk about how the side characters actually serviced the main EdSer plot this episode? I loved that Aydan/Ayfer/Seyfi were out there trying to catch Deniz, and they still had time for an Aydan/Kemal conversation. That Alex plot did these women a huge disservice.

Yes! I agree the supporting characters were all doing what they should be doing, supporting the A-story. I enjoyed the Aydan/Ayfer/Seyfi scenes, glad they were useful!  

Plus I was actually touched by how Aydan called Ayfer in her time of need, they’ve actually become real, true friends which is a cool development. I’m looking forward to the Kemal storyline. Dude is way too interested in Serkan... I’m not sure if he’s Serkan’s father or not, but I think he thinks he might be.  Loved that Serkan’s spidey-senses were tingling when it came to him and he was on his guard... if only those spidey-senses worked with Selin. 

Melo remains queen and Ceren earned a few rights back by getting the legal in order. 

However, WTF was that random Piril/Engin storyline with the hospital? For a second there I thought this show was going really DARK. 

Anonymous said: Is it weird that the scene with Serkan apologizing to Eda in his apartment and her kind of brushing it off with the comment “you did not do it on purpose” reminded me a lot of Max trying to apologize to Liz after getting his memory back? Like you just knew that the happiness was not going to last for very long. You cannot gloss over all that pain just because the person you missed is back. Although I will say Max was a lot more apologetic than Serkan and did not act like a jerk during the rest of the episode. Feels like even if this Selin baby situation is resolved quickly that Edser still has a lot of work to do before getting married.

Oh interesting comparison, but right, Max lost his memories for about 30 minutes of screen time (vs Serkan’s almost 900) so Max had a lot less time to do damage! I was always left unsatisfied with that memory-loss storyline I think it should have lasted until the next episode, but everything with the timing in S2 RNM was a little off for me. 

But to you point about Edser having work to do before marriage, I completely agree. Although, I don’t even think it’s like they need to take a ton of time, they just have to spend some real, uninterrupted time together and talk all this through. There is no need to rush it when they haven’t dealt with any of the trauma. Like a nice two-week vacation would do them a world of good. 

Anonymous said: So are we supposed to think that Eda slept by herself on the sofa downstairs after they had sex? Not exactly romantic. Serkan’s character is still coming off very cold to me although it was definitely a lot better than previous episodes.

Not sure what that was, other than maybe (HOPEFULLY) they want to show us Edser’s carnal reunion and that episode wasn’t the place for it? Also, tbh, I assume with shooting schedules they just didn’t want to have yet another location to prep and shoot in, which the bedroom would have been, so Eda on the couch. Though I don’t know why we couldn’t have had both of them waking up on the couch like ep 11. 

Anonymous said: The whole scene at Serkan's house at night felt like such a balm to my soul after the past few episodes. Him telling her that she's the hero in their love story and he owes all the happy moments for the rest of their lives to her... whew it had me welling up. I feel like we'll get more of that guilt out of Serkan after this whole new Selin plot is unraveled, but that scene (with the beautiful music) was honestly what I NEEDED after ep 29 onwards.

Oh I’m so glad it worked for you. I enjoyed those scenes, especially on rewatch. On rewatch I could take them for what they were, but while watching the episode as a whole I was so on edge waiting for some sort of emotional conversation or breakthrough, so that was harder to enjoy.  

Hande and Kerem were terrific in them as always. I like that Eda suggested they start fresh in a place of their own, and that he immediately agreed. I liked him wanting to dance with her and hold her, and he did say some very nice things, apologizing and saying she was the hero of their story, but the scenes just didn’t go deep enough for where they were the next day with Serkan being a bit flippant at times. These scenes didn’t do enough repair work to warrant his behavior, though I do acknowledge he was under a lot of stress. 

Anonymous said: I'm convinced that these writers are here to sabotage the show. There is no other explanation. No offense to Bige but they should've just cut all of her scenes out and have Selin leave the country abruptly. We didn't need Serkan wishing her happiness, wanting her stay at Art life, and arguing with Eda over it. (what the actual fuck?) To have Bige come back to set this week to play out this pregnancy plot is unfortunate - they really could've just ditched it last minute and that makes me so mad.

The writers suck, and I need them to go like I need a giant vat of sangria while watching this show, but they are not here to sabotage the show. 

Anonymous said: I've seen some people say that the serkan now is not "our" serkan and serkan from 28.. do you agree with that? Because of COURSE he won't be the same after everything they've had to go through since then.. I think mainly people seem to think that unless he's like on his knees sobbing for Eda's forgiveness, he's not "back" which I don't agree with. Or maybe I'm just personally over the sadness and don't need a huge breakdown scene and would rather just see them move past it.

I’d take the breakdown scene. This is the man who sobbed when he found out his father was responsible for Eda’s parents death.  How has he not had been devastated by how badly he treated her? He said some very nice things in the last episode, but hasn’t offered any specific apology or explanations. It’s all been very broad and on the surface. 

Seriously, the scene could last only 3-5 minutes and be amazing and not drag down the entire show. The writers insisted on Serkan treating Eda pretty roughly for a LOT of episodes in a row, they owe it to us for him to face that and deal with it. Maybe it will happen when this Selin stuff comes to a head. 

Anonymous said: idk if i'm the only one who feels this way, but after 6 WEEKS of no edser, we get an episode full of happy (except the last 10 mins) and somehow people still nitpick the scenes? and im the first one to admit the writers have sucked all through out the memory plot, but im also not gonna just hate scenes automatically bc i hate them? if you're at the point where you can't even enjoy edser in love and together then what's the point watching? maybe i need to get off twitter after watching the ep.

First I do agree with that. Twitter after the episode is a toxic pit of joyless negativity. Also it always has been that way, even after awesome episodes. For whatever reason on that platform, people knee-jerk react to everything and it’s super unpleasant. 

As to your point about nitpicking, I agree. It’s very prevalent in fandom. Because maybe you watch something and liked it. There were a few things that weren’t great, but over all, enjoyable. Then you go online and you see people spiraling about things that hadn’t even hit you and you start thinking about them and all of a sudden something that didn’t bother you while watching is now looming large as as a huge flaw in the show. 

In a vacuum the Edser scenes were great. Lots of sweet moments, stunning visuals, H/K chemistry on full display, it’s a shame that it was all a bit disjointed while watching the first time through. The writers just can’t seem to do the big moments justice. 

Anonymous said: Thoughts on the ending? She can’t really be pregnant can she? At least not with serkans kid. How the hell are they going to solve this if bige probably isn’t in the next ep or more? :(

Well since you sent this we’ve seen the fragman. At this point, my money is on her being really pregnant with Deniz’s child (By the way, before the fragman I wasn’t sure if she was really pregnant, but if she was I was pretty sure it was Deniz)  and I still have a ton of hope that Serkan will know it’s not his, because they didn’t sleep together.

If she’s really pregnant and there was any possibility that Serkan could have been the father she would have been throwing it in his face and making a play to keep him. There is no doubt about that. The fact that she was fleeing the country and adamant that she didn’t want Serkan to know? I think it’s because it can’t be his because they never had sex and she doesn’t want him to know she was cheating on him while they were engaged. She couldn’t continue to play the victim card if he finds that out. 

Anonymous said: Selin is def not pregnant IMO. But would she have even concocted this plan if there wasn’t a good chance of eda and serkan believing it for a while? So does that mean the writers are going to make it so that Selin and serkan slept together :( would they really go there?

I think if you watch the Eda/Selin scene again you will see that Selin never says that Serkan is the father, she just says she’s leaving and she repeats again and again that she doesn’t want Serkan to know.  

As I said above if she’s really pregnant and there was any way to sell it as Sekan’s, then she would tell him right away and keep on keeping on with the guilt and manipulation.

Even if it’s fake, then she’s doing it just to try and throw one last wrench at the relationship. She told Eda not to tell Serkan over and over again. It it’s fake, maybe a Hail Mary hoping Eda will pull the breaks and potentially leave.  This woman is desperate to ruin their happiness, she would do anything even if all it does it cause upset and turmoil for a day. 

Anonymous said: I keep hoping that they would pull of one of the biggest twists in dizi history and say that these last 7 episodes were a dream. Imagine how epic that would be.

That would be amazing. Let it all be Serkan’s coma dream after the plane crash and he wakes up to Eda at his bedside.

Anonymous said: While I don’t like Eda saying no to the proposal due to believing Selin’s pregnancy story, I was actually happy that the Edser reconciliation was not wrapped up so quickly. I want them back together but had a real problem with Serkan’s attitude for most of the episode. And him allowing Selin to still work at the company and just apologize to Eda like she borrowed her favorite sweater & never returned it....like who is this guy? And being unwilling to take any blame with the Deniz situation? He needs to actually seem remorseful considering everything that Eda went through. I fear the real problem with his character is the writers which means we may never see episode 1-28 Serkan ever again 😭.

I’ve pretty much addressed all this, but, yes, I feel you. I think it’s a good thing that their reconciliation is going to take more work. Let’s hope the writers find some sort of nuance and skill and get it done! 

Anonymous said: I wish bad things on those people who came up with the rumors that we were getting new writers 💀Or the ones who keep saying that Selin will be gone in the next episode and we are coming up on #9 with her. I know it's my own fault for getting my hopes up but still lol - they are purposely extending her stay on this show to spite us, no? This is starting to feel like a personal attack 😂

I KNOW! Those damn spoiler people with their snake oil and false promises! LOL. I have believed them more than once (mostly because I wanted to so badly). That Yasin person (who lies more than he tells the truth) still insists there will be new writers. We shall see. I know more than a few hearts broke when we saw the same names wrote ep 37. 

Anonymous said: Do you ever think we’ll get our serkan (ep 1-28) back? Even though he recovered his memory he’s acting so different. In the moments when he’s not being super sweet with eda, he’s inexplicably cold or apathetic. Like when they were stuck in the garage, it was hard to believe he just dismissed her when she brought up being hurt by the memory thing. And telling her to shut up when she was worried instead of comforting her? ESP bc he knows she’s claustrophobic. And answering the phone in the end, even though that “efendim... sevgilim” was turned into a comedic bit, the way he just didn’t seem excited to talk to eda at all? Compared to their phone convos in 12(?) and 27. Idk I can’t believe he has the audacity to be 1) annoyed with eda’s lingering frustration 2) in general not be more apologetic 3) so civil towards Selin? Asking her to stay and saying he wants her to be happy? What the ABSOLUTE FUCK?

I get it, but I think you’ll enjoy the show more if you take a deep breath, realize these writers SUCK, and then try and enjoy the Edser scenes individually. They’re actually pretty good that way. It’s like what I said last week, in order to enjoy, emotionally detach yourself from the plot, and view this as an excuse to see Hande and Kerem make their magic together. 

Anonymous said: Ugh sheesh of eda doesn’t tell serkan about selins non pregnancy right away and we have to spend a whole episode with both of them hurt and serkan confused idk how I’m going to have patience to watch it through

This came before the fragman, but from the fragman it appears it’s going to take the whole episode, but I thought it looked like it would be watchable.  Seems to me Eda is not going to tell Serkan about the pregnancy. Deniz is going to tip Eda that Selin might be up to something. Cue the girls investigating. At the same time maybe Eda tips off Deniz that Selin is pregnant. Deniz confronts Selin asking if he’s the father.  Separately Serkan is trying to find out what’s going on, he finds out Selin is pregnant and the trailer is him telling Engin. I think his reaction could very well be because he’s super confused because how can Selin be pregnant when she was engaged to him but they weren’t sleeping together?? Or he’s furious because he thinks Selin told Eda that and he knows it can’t be true (at least that he’s the father).  At least we know that Serkan and Eda have a romantic night at some point...  

Anonymous said: I feel like the SCK fandom is on pins & needles waiting to find out in the next episode if Selin & Serkan actually slept together during the 3ish months they were together. Like I want Eda to be honest with him about why she turned down the proposal but then it is either a quick “we never slept together so not possible” that ends that storyline or he admits they did and we spiral into figuring out if she really is pregnant/who is the father. But if she decides not to tell him then he has to spend the episode trying to figure out what happened. Worst case scenario is her not telling him, him spending the whole episode trying to find out and then it ends with a reveal that they did sleep together & pregnancy is possible.

I’m still sticking with that they always purposefully showed us them not sleeping in the same place AND these writers have proved they are aware of the whole “Nobody touches you but me” thing. Why, out of everything, with this storyline looming, is that what he remembered if it wasn’t going to come into play?  

And honestly, I don’t want to even speculate it could go the other way, so everyone can stop asking me about that. If we have to cross that bridge, we’ll do it when the time comes. As long as there’s hope, that’s where I’m camping.

Anonymous said: damn, people were just joking about it, but selin and deniz really DID get freaky in the woods lol. no wonder the next time she visited the cafe after the trip she was all awkward about it.

She was totally awkward! And she was checking herself out in the mirror, primping, before she saw him. That’s totally when they did the ugly. 

I was cracking up today reading all the people on twitter screaming about “HOW?  WHEN?” in regards to Selin and Deniz. UM... they had ample opportunity. They were constantly meeting to discuss their nefarious plans. She was always at his coffee shop. That night at the cabin, Selin and Deniz both went away disappointed and angry leaving Eda and Serkan at the shelter, makes sense they would find cold comfort in each other’s arms. She was acting weird in the last couple of episodes like she’d almost given up and like she was disheartened by how into the sabotage Deniz still was.   Also they are side characters in the Edser show, we’re not always going to see what they’re doing. (THANK GOODNESS, last thing we need is that burned into our brains!)

[love-sapphirerose]

Yashahime: Princess Half-Demon Episode 16 Review

https://www.animenewsnetwork.com/review/yashahime-princess-half-demon/episode-16/.168486

I got a bad feeling about "Double-Edged Moroha" from the moment it started. You'd think, given that last week's episode randomly decided to break away from the story to have a flashback story time with Riku, that the show would take even a scant minute or two to establish things like context and pacing: Where the girls are. Why they are there. Some vague idea about how long it has been since that godforsaken misadventure with the Rapey Mountain Arsonist. You know, the simple stuff that helps the audience figure out what the hell is going on. But no, it doesn't even take a couple of seconds for Yashahime to start screwing up the most basic rules of “How to Tell a Coherent Story”, as we're plunged right into the middle of some anonymous mountain valley or something, with Moroha staring down Yawaragi, telling her cousins that there's some major beef going back three whole years that needs settling. If you don't recognize who this woman is, she's one of the Wolf Tribe members who has appeared exactly one time in the series before now, in a single frame from the very end of last-week's episode.

It honestly feels like something got supremely screwed up in the show's pre-production, and the Yashahime staff realized that they needed to cut an episode right out of the middle of the run, so they took the final scenes from the episode that led up to this climactic showdown between Moroha and Yawaragi, cut everything else that came before it, and slapped it on to the beginning of “Double-Edged Moroha”. Maybe that would explain the seemingly arbitrary placement of the Big Reveal episode from last week? The way it was written meant it could have been aired at almost any time and made an equal amount of sense (read: Not a whole lot), and the only information from “Farewell Under the Lunar Eclipse” that ties into “Double-Edged Moroha” at all is that Moroha ended up with Kouga and the wolves when her parents got sucked into the Black Pearl. If we hadn't gotten that single shot of Moroha being left to the wolves by Hachi, then “Double-Edged Moroha” would have come across as completely nonsensical. As it stands, it's now only 95% nonsense, which is technically an improvement. Good job, I guess?

If you couldn't tell, this was yet another episode of Yashahime that made me absolutely furious with how poorly written and executed it was, but in order to fully explain why, I'll need to cover the events of “Double-Edged Moroha” in chronological order, because the flashback-structure of the episode is stupid and pointless. We begin with the very last flashback, which shows us how Yawaragi attempted to train Moroha in the art of mastering her demonic transformations. We later learn that Kagome apparently placed a seal on these powers in some scene that we never got to actually see because the show was too busy failing at Towa and Setsuna's backstories, but Yawaragi decided to give Moroha the power to transform into Beniyasha with the rouge. Yawaragi then spends years yelling at Moroha for relying on the rouge too much and warning her about how too many transformations will result in her becoming a permanently bloodthirsty monster, so, uh, great call there, Yawaragi. Really thought that one through.

Anyways, one of the days Moroha goes berserk with her Beniyasha self and ends up calling down the wrath of a horde of

terribly-animated Birds of Paradise

before passing out. Instead of doing the logical thing and running away, Yawaragi just sort of stands there and decides they're screwed. That's when a weasel man (who is very helpfully named “Weasel Man”) wanders into frame from literally nowhere and offers to sell Yawaragi the Armor of the Iron Rat he's wearing, so that she can blow up the Birds of Paradise and whatnot. Not only is the completely random appearance of this obviously sketchy weasel not draw Yawaragi's suspicions at all, she also doesn't seem to find it odd that the guy can't even remove the armor himself without getting another person to unlock it with a key. Keep in mind that, for the entire duration of this stupid, stupid conversation, Yawaragi could have very easily just run away from all those birds and hid in a cave or something, but no, she casually takes the armor from the weasel, and wouldn't you know it, the darned thing is cursed to eventually crush its wearer to death unless they pay an exorbitant fee to the smithy rats for another key.

This is, to put it mildly, a very silly chain of events that do not paint Yawaragi in the smartest light, but we just have to roll with it, because that set of Iron-Rat Armor is precisely why Moroha has found herself sold into indentured servitude for the last three years. You see, Yawaragi decided that Moroha needed to complete the “crucible of Kodoku”, which has the eleven-year-old fighting a horde of demons in a spooky cave by herself to…get stronger, and master fighting without relying on Beniyasha, somehow? Yawaragi claims that Moroha needs to absorb the powers of the strongest demon in the cave, but she definitely did not do that, and we've never seen any of these so-called disastrous consequences of the Beniyasha transformation so far, which makes the entire venture basically pointless for our little heroine. For Yawaragi's part, the whole thing seems to have been an excuse to do some gambling with Jyubei, because she previously lost a bunch of ryou in the demon gambling house, which one apparently has to travel through in order to even get to the Crucible of Kodoku; also she needs, like, thirteen Ryou in order to buy a key for the armor that is going to eventually kill her. All of this leads to Jyubei offering to buy Moroha as his own little bounty-hunting slave, which Yawaragi accepts instantaneously, and there you have it: The ridiculous, contrived, and ultimately meaningless explanation for why Moroha has been trying to buy her way out of debt for three years.

Then, the second flashback, which is actually the most recent chronologically, shows us how it took Yawaragi three whole years to get to that damned hidden village of rats, only to discover that Konton arrived just beforehand and killed all of them. Whoopsie! We even get a nice shot of a dead rat mother cradling the corpse of her rat child – a weirdly dark moment that Yashahime certainly hasn't earned or anything – just to remind you that these Four Perils are super evil and powerful (despite the fact that they keep getting their asses kicked by a trio of teenagers who can barely be bothered to acknowledge their existence). Konton makes a deal with Yawaragi that he'll hand over the key if she kills Moroha and the others, and she accepts. “But!” Yashahime then asks, “Is she really going to betray her adopted daughter figure? Or is Yawaragi preparing Moroha for the final and most important lesson of her training?”

The answer is clearly supposed to be that second one, but Yashahime is just so goddamn bad at even the simplest character writing that the point doesn't land. Throughout all of these flashbacks, Moroha and Yawaragi have been dueling one-on-one, with Towa and Setsuna being told to sit uselessly on the sidelines, and Yawaragi keeps insisting that Moroha use her “creative imagination” to beat her, instead of relying on the rouge. This kind of falls flat when Moroha's victory just comes from her busting out a new special move, the Crimson Dragon Wave, which is neither a creative or imaginative resolution to the fight. Every Yashahime fight boils down to some combination of the girls' different special attacks, so why is this any different?

Way late in the episode, Konton suddenly teleports into the fight to gloat at Yawaragi. Nobody else really notices or acknowledges Konton's arrival, though you'd think this is the point where Towa and Setsuna would get off their butts and do something, because it isn't like Moroha's honor would be besmirched by kicking Konton's ass again. The show even forgets to include Konton in the next couple of shots of Yawaragi reacting to Moroha's attacks, even though it is absolutely critical that he be standing right behind her, because when Moroha unleashes the Crimson Dragon Wave, she whips behind Konton to hold him down in an act of self-sacrifice.

Here's the kicker, though: The guy can teleport. Yawaragi just saw him do this, and not thirty seconds earlier! So it shouldn't be surprising to anybody when Konton uses his Rainbow Pearl powers to teleport out of Yawaragi's arms and escapes anyways while the other girls throw some useless attacks at him. So, to recap: The audience learns that Yawaragi created the whole issue of Moroha's Beniyasha transformation in the first place, and she then spent years fruitlessly attempting to undo the problem, including purchasing a deadly set of cursed armor from a random weasel that was traipsing about the forest one day. All of this led to Moroha being sold to Jyubei, which was ultimately pointless because Yawaragi just ended up being coerced into attacking Moroha by Konton, and the one thing that might have made this entire cavalcade of terminally stupid decisions worthwhile – killing Konton – ended up being foiled by random Rainbow Pearl Powers. In other words, absolutely nothing of importance was learned, the girls are not one step closer to any of their goals, and Moroha inadvertently murdered Yawaragi for no reason. It is positively stunning when Yawaragi dies, and the show has the gall to play the moment off like some huge, emotional payoff…except Moroha is more or less fine by the time the credits roll.

Good Lord, this show is continuing to outdo itself in all of the worst ways. I won't damn it with the non-score of Episode 14, because “Double-Edged Moroha” at least has some halfway-decent looking action to try and distract you from how bad everything else is. I did, however, spend far too much time teaching myself how to use image-editing software so I could slap together this dumb meme that perfectly sums up my feelings about Yashahime at the moment. That said, it was probably more time and effort than anybody working on the show spent going over its sorry excuse of a script.

[yurimother]

LGBTQ Light Novel Review - Bloom Into You: Regarding Saeki Sayaka Vol. 1

*Contains minor spoilers for Bloom Into You*

I have always said that Bloom Into You is a little bit too popular and awarded more praise than the typical and trope-filled story deserves. However, fame and success have their benefits, and thanks to the series’ popularity, we are gifted with the phenomenal light novel spin-off Bloom Into You: Regarding Saeki Sayaka. This wondrous collaboration between the original creator, Nio Nakatani, and famed Yuri author Iruma Hitoma (Adachi and Shimamura) takes the very best elements of Bloom Into You, namely side character Sayaka and her experiences with LGBT identity and life and puts them front and center. The result is a beautiful and important coming of age story about a young woman discovering her sexuality. A story that not only escapes the common traps of the Yuri genre but utilizes and subverts them with flawless execution.

The first volume in the Regarding Saeki Sayaka light novel trilogy revolves around the titular character before the events of the main series. The entire book is narrated from Sayaka’s first-person perspective and told in the past tense, with Sayaka occasionally giving brief retrospective insights to contextualize her experiences. This presentation excellently frames the story, giving valuable analysis to its events, heck, Sayaka can probably do my job better than I could. The ex post facto storytelling also pairs nicely with the dramatic irony present in the story, provided that the reader has read the manga or seen the anime. On that point, while the light novel effectively stands on its own legs, reading it as a companion piece and prologue to Bloom Into You will significantly increase the book’s impact.

The first of the volume’s two parts, Year 5 Group 3, paints a portrait of childhood Sayaka. She is serious and mature for her age, often pushing herself to be the best in every area, both academic and extracurricular. However, she has apparent social deficiencies, remaining distant at best, and hostile at worst to others. She is surprised, annoyed, and challenged when a student in her swim class attempts to bond with her. The girl displays a strong affinity for Sayaka and, although at their age describing their connection as romantic or sexual feels inaccurate, she clearly yearns for a bond beyond friendship.

Frustrated by the girl’s advances and erratic personality, Sayaka angrily tells her to be more serious. Determined to win Sayaka’s affection, the girl attempts to mimic Sayaka’s mature demeanor. This act subconsciously implants the idea in Sayaka’s head that people must change themselves to suit the ones they desire, a lesson which later proves dangerous for her. Soon after, Sayaka begins experiencing strange feelings for the girl, which further her frustration. The confused Sayaka attempts to explain away her emotions, “I mean, the person next to me was a girl, and so was I.” However, after a sexually charged moment in the pool, the fearful Sayaka runs away and quits her swimming class.

This first chapter effectively lays the foundation for Sayaka’s sexual awakening and foreshadows some of the situations in which she will later find herself. Although Iruma’s prose, and Jan Cash and Vincent Castaneda’s translation’ is expressive and beautiful, capturing Sayaka’s inner voice superbly, there are a few flaws. The service described, including details about the locker room and the girls’ swimsuits, is incredibly awkward, especially considering the elementary school-aged characters. The climactic moment between the two, while appropriately dramatic, is undercut by this exploitation and its inherently ridiculous nature. Thankfully the second half of the book, Class 2-C, Tomosumi Girls’ Academy, lacks the off-putting elements of the first and perfectly sets Sayaka up as the character we know and love from the original series.

As Sayaka enters middle school, she becomes slightly less rigid and strict than she was as an elementary schooler. Instead, she is an excellent reflection of the girl seen in the original series, a serious and driven person but reliably kindhearted. She joins the choir club, where she meets Yuzuki Chie, referred to almost exclusively as “Senpai.” Followers of the original will quickly come to recognize this character as Sayaka’s ex-girlfriend, briefly seen in the manga and anime. Yuzuki confesses her love for Sayaka, leaving the latter to ponder the implications of dating her.

The sequence which follows this confession is nothing short of masterful. A once again conflicted Sayaka struggles to comprehend the possibility of dating Yuzuki. She thinks of the potential relationship as both one between two individuals and as a romance between two people who are both women. In the end, she decides that, although she does not yet love her senpai, she wants to try dating. Their relationship is full of adolescent naivetés and fluttering emotions.

Sayaka lacks a reference to healthy love and relationships, so, just as the girl from her swimming class did, she changes to become a figure that Yuzuki can love, telling her what she wants to hear and doing what will make her happy. For example, although Sayaka does not enjoy novels, she visits a bookstore, which turns out to be the Koito family’s, to buy and read one of Yuzuki’s favorite books. Eventually, their relationship escalates, and Sayaka admits that she has fallen in love with her partner. However, after moving up to high school, Yuzuki begins to pull away from Sayaka.

Their ultimate showdown and break up is reminiscent of Class S literary themes, with Yuzuki claiming the relationship was play, acting out, and mimicking fiction’s prevailing narrative of romance. However, now that they are nearly adults, and as they are both women, the “play” is no longer appropriate. Sayaka, however, does not feel the same way, and herein lies Regarding Saeki Sayaka’s pure brilliance. Iruma subtly and expertly hides small lines and hints to this difference throughout the book. Yuzuki speaks mostly in romantic clichés as if imitating romance movies or books, “Senpai often speaks like she’s in a story.” However, Sayaka shows genuine commitment and devotion to her partner, working (foolishly) to change herself for Yuzuki and occasionally thinking of their future together, once wondering if they would be together when they were old ladies.

Their actions contradict each other’s so much because Sayaka, the girl who strived to be mature and act like an adult from an early age, does not see the relationship between two girls as immature or a game. To her, it was a very genuine experience that helped lead her to her ultimate revelation and the light novel’s amazing final lines, “I accepted it. It wasn’t understanding or resignation, just acceptance. Of myself, and of the fact that I could only love girls.” Here both the author and the character have openly rejected the S era ideas that love between women is fleeting and childish, Sayaka comes to see herself as a gay woman (although she sadly does not employ this specific terminology). Here the book elevates itself past the original series and embraces the more modern and queerer era of Yuri.

Iruma Hitoma has done the impossible, taking a good Yuri story and transforming it into a great one, rewarding readers with a thoughtful and nuanced experience detailing a young woman’s confusion and strife as she discovers her identity. It is by no means perfect, as all the side characters are thin and underdeveloped, yet they do not need to be. This story is exclusively Sayaka’s, and the others exist only to serve the amazing development and growth gracefully communicated in this stunning light novel.

However, as I wrap up this review, I cannot help but think of how much easier Sayaka’s experience would have been, how much clarity she may have had, and the pain she could have avoided, had she learned about LGBTQ identities and experiences before her tribulations. It is so essential for the young to see positive representation of all peoples in both fiction and reality as they grow up, and perhaps ironically, Bloom Into You: Regarding Saeki Sayaka Volume 1 has joined the elite ranks of titles which can positively impact the lives of its readers. It contains a wonderful, authentic, and grounded story of coming to terms with one’s sexuality. This light novel is an absolute must-read, even if you are not a fan of the original series, and I cannot wait for its continuation, especially as the upcoming third volume hints at a tale about a happy Sayaka and her girlfriend.

Ratings: Story – 10 Characters – 9 LGBTQ – 9 Sexual Content – 4 Final – 9

Order Bloom Into You: Regarding Saeki Sayaka here: https://amzn.to/31QgIaR

Review copy provided by Seven Seas Entertainment @sevenseasentertainment​

[fantastic-rambles]

I totally agree with you about Tadashi. I honestly think I’ll enjoy however the final showdowns happen since the other characters seem to be at a good spot in their character arcs, so my main hope is that Tadashi sees his own worth and is able to move beyond Adam’s hurt and their past issues. Ideally for me, Adam moves on too but I won’t hold my breath for it lol.

And I get what you mean about Reki. While his worries and insecurities are understandable, I was definitely on Langa’s side in that he should have control over who he skates with. The only thing I think Langa did wrong is break his word and act as if it was fine. If he thought he would deliberately break the (unfair) promise he made more than once, he shouldn’t have agreed. Overall though, I don’t fault him for skating against Adam.

Also, you are the first person I’ve seen being up the best question in the entire show. There is no reason why Adam shouldn’t be able to buy S. He’s bribing politicians but he can’t buy a road that’s barely used because of rocks and debris plus a factory that’s been abandoned for years?? Thank you, I am forever gonna think about this every time I look at something Sk8 related lmao

Yeah, I think I’ll enjoy them however they turn out because I like all of the contestants who remain. Well, other than if Reki beats Adam because that’s absolutely unrealistic and would be absolute bs, but I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen. But Adam, Tadashi, and Langa are all approximately equal at this point (Langa lags behind the other two slightly in technique, but makes up with that in improvisation), so I think they’ll be interesting either way. (I’m also absolutely delighted that Shadow was taken out because I despise him. So glad that Adam doesn’t need to waste his time on that clown. >.>)

I definitely want Tadashi and Adam to get over their traumas, and I feel like that’s something that’s all-or-nothing: either they both do, or neither does, because their lives are so deeply entwined together. I personally believe that Cherry and Joe never knew Ainosuke: they only saw the skater Adam, so the only person who knows everything about Adam is Tadashi, who has always been by his side. So they can only really talk to each other about the past to help each other gain understanding/acceptance/forgiveness and start the process of healing. But yeah, I’d love for that to happen... and even if it doesn’t, I’ll probably have headcanons and maybe write a short fanfic about Tadashi visiting Adam in prison and just talking and slowly rebuilding their friendship, lol. Probably with a prologue of his aunts visiting first and heaping abuse on him and telling him that he’s an idiot and they never loved him and absolutely destroying him and shattering his world, forcing him to reflect on everything he’s done. <3

The thing is... did Langa ever actually promise not to skate against Adam? Maybe it’s because I’m neurodivergent and sometimes have difficulty in understanding implied statements and such, but in the talk after they got away from the police, I didn’t get that impression. When Reki says “Langa, you should stay away from him,” and Langa says “Got it,” I didn’t think that Langa was promising to not skate with Adam, but rather accepting his friend’s concerns and suggestion to stay away (without necessarily making a commitment to follow through). Yeah, Reki didn’t want Langa to skate with Adam again--that was clear enough--but to me, there’s a world of difference between acknowledging a statement with “Got it” and agreeing to it with something like “Okay, I will [stay away from him].” So to me, the whole “you broke the promise” felt like gaslighting, which is also why I got so pissed at Reki. >.<

Like, if my friend told me, “You shouldn’t go skydiving because it’s dangerous,” and I told them, “Got it,” I don’t think I’ve promised them that I’m not going to go skydiving. To me, I’m saying, “I acknowledge your concerns and am grateful for your consideration,” but if I go skydiving afterwards, I don’t feel that they have any grounds for accusing me of breaking a promise. They can be worried and fuss over me and want to make sure that I’m okay, but if they decide to cut me off for it because I “broke my promise,” then fuck them. Again, though, maybe I just have a weird understanding of the situation due to the way I think, so let me know if I’m wrong about that by conventional thinking. ^^;

AND YES. Like, sure, people are drawn to it because it’s “illegal”/underground, but he doesn’t need to make it obvious that it belongs to him (in truth, if not in name) and he’s letting them skate there. Though... the way he acts and all his dramatics (setting up a huge projector, skydiving in, etc.) would make me highly suspicious that it did belong to him, if I were there. Who throws so much money and resources and practically turns the place into a fireworks show every night without the police showing up unless it belongs to them? Even before Adam showed up, they had all the lights on--which yeah, it’s necessary for safety reasons, but nobody non-police wondered why an abandoned mine was always lit up at night and tried to investigate?? If they’re trying not to draw attention because they’re “illegal,” they’re going the exact opposite way about it. (Yeah, meta we know it’s because he’s throwing around bribes, but holy shit are they suspicious af.) xD

But if he buys it through a proxy, he can go on pretending that he’s secretly co-opted an abandoned mine and factory, but then they don’t have to worry about the police at all since they’d be unable to hold a raid unless they were doing something illegal like drugs or whatever. The only reason it’s “illegal” (that I’m aware of, at least) is because they’re trespassing on abandoned/private property, so that would easily solve that problem.

[ihatetaxes99]

Death Note: The Glorious Manga Ending (And the anime that failed to deliver)

Well, this is certainly something a tad different from my usual affairs. Yes, I'm delighted to bear the news that I am taking a break from writing sub-par fanfiction and selling weapons to Middle Eastern terrorists in order to follow something a little less creative, but more immediately interesting to me in my current time of writing. I mean, hell, there's probably a 60% chance that no one will ever read this, since I'll likely drop it halfway through and go back to my black market dealings. But, in that small 40% chance that I do get this out the door, or indeed any further than this very sentence before I forget about it for all eternity, then I want to have a little discussion, a fun little analysis. And of course, I'm going to analyse everyone's favourite slice of life fluff comedy, Death Note. Specifically the ending and how I think the manga surpasses the anime in many, many ways.

If you haven't yet read or watched Death Note, then you won't be reading this anyway, so it would be rather pointless at best and an insult to your intelligence at worst to give a recap of how the series works. If you must have a layman's explanation, big murder book gets dropped into the human world, shenanigans ensue. There, now go watch or read it for yourself. Preferably read, as I am about to discuss. The manga is far better, entirely because of the second half. It's no secret that the Death Note anime handled the second half poorly. Content was cut, elements were skipped, scenes were changed entirely and Near, my favourite character from the manga, was done so dirty that he generally ranks as many people's least favourite, for some understandable reasons and others that I consider rather weak. But the main part of the second half aside, I want to talk about the final showdown, the confrontation in the Yellow Box warehouse, and how I feel the anime adaptation butchered a near-perfect ending for the sake of either time, or budget, or maybe to appease Light fangirls (because that definitely has a factor in why I don't like the anime's ending as much.)

So, to recap, most of the confrontation at the warehouse between the SPK and Kira plays out very much the same. Mikami writes the names down, Light reveals himself, the notebook is revealed to be a fake and Yagami has his famous mental breakdown, followed by one of the most powerful lines in the series:

(Note: I condensed the speech to fit neatly into two boxes)

I love this speech. I think it's one of the best in the series, for reasons that very much tie into why the ending in the manga works better. I want you all to think for a moment; I've seen a lot of people say Death Note is a series that doesn't take sides on the conflict. No, that is bullshit. In the early series, maybe, but from the moment Light Yagami killed Naomi Misora, and arguably even earlier than that with Raye Pembre, he was consistently portrayed as being more and more callous, more evil, more of a scumbag. Let's look over what he did, especially in the later stages of the series.

He:

Murdered the FBI agents tailing him.

Only expressed regret over Utika's death because it may negatively affect Kira's reputation.

Watched with no emotion as his father died and indeed, encouraged him to use the Death Note moments before he died.

Mocked Matsuda for mourning his father's death.

Manipulated two seperate women into doing his bidding (albeit, one was unintentional) and killed one himself, with plans to kill the other had he not been killed.

Instigated a riot in New York with the intent of killing Near and the SPK.

Killed FBI agents who were tailing him.

Only cared about Utika's death because it compromised Kira's strong public image and not because he was actually a good man.

Manipulated two seperate women into falling for him (albeit one was accidental) and promptly killed off one with no hesitation, with plans of killing the other had he not met his end first.

Watched emotionless as his own father died and even tried to get him to use the Death Note in his last moments.

Mocked Matsuda for mourning the death of his father and used it in a last ditch effort to distract the detective and escape.

Staged a riot with the intent of killing Near and the rest of the SPK.

And these are just some of them. By the end of Death Note, Light was not a good person. I personally never agreed with him, but he went from a disillusioned kid with a minor saviour complex to A full-blown, sadistic, perverted image of what he used to be, utterly unfeeling and cold-hearted, with a major God complex, a complete lunatic. As Near said, a mass murderer and nothing more. After everything Yagami's done over the course of the series, it was just too satisfying to read this for the first time, and I will concede, the anime did a great job adapting it. I feel a lot of Light fangirls agreed with him because his ideals sounded good on paper, but in reality, they're completely childish and self-serving. I am not one to moral grandstand, I believe those who take any excuse to give lectures about morality are annoying and often hypocritical scum, but my point here is that this is not a man any reasonable person could agree with if he were a real person. So, this teardown of his ego was perfect.

Now, the first big difference is the ultimate fate of Teru Mikami. In the anime, he kills himself in the warehouse, in a scene that makes me laugh every time due to the comically large quantities of blood spewing from him. He dies defending Kira's ideals, believing in his God. Or, if you choose to interpret it another way, he has accepted that Light is not God, and he has nothing else to live for. Either way, the anime lacks a key scene, after Light is shot by Matsuda and begging for help:

This is extremely important, as it continues what Near did with his speech and sets in motion the following trend for what is to come. Light is humiliated, his second most faithful pawn has turned against him, called him scum, seen him for what he truly is, and worse still, he's done it in front of everyone else. Teru Mikami has denounced his God, and this is just the stepping stone for the humiliation Kira is about to suffer. Also, it's worth noting that just before Mikami denounces Kira, there's a scene of Light crawling on the ground, bleeding, calling out for Misa and Takada to help him, seeming to have gone totally delusional, forgetting that Takada was already dead. This may have been excluded from the anime, or it may have been the fault of the subs I was using. It still serves as a vital part of the theme that the final few chapters hammer in, over and over again, that being the complete and total humiliation of Light Yagami. And the worst for our criminal-killing protagonist is still to come.

Finally, we reach the fate of the original Kira, the end of Light Yagami. In the anime, he uses Mikami's suicide as a distraction to escape, wherein he runs off, seeing visions of his past self, and dies out in the middle of a staircase, from a heart attack delivered by Ryuuk, calmly and quietly. This is all very nice and emotional, we see for a moment, Light contemplates what he became and wondering how it could have ended differently, and him dying in the middle of the staircase, as many people have stated before, is oh so very symbolic of how he finds himself unable to reach Heaven or Hell. However, this does not hold a candle to the manga.

This is what Light is like upon his death there:

Yeah, there's no real doubting it, he's going out like a complete bitch. Like the anime was thoughtful and silent, with an underlying sombre soundtrack, in this the once great Kira is reduced to a blubbering mess, throwing a tantrum because he refuses to accept his time is up. It was made very clear to him at the beginning that he was to die at Ryuuk's hand one day and now that it's here, he can't take it. He tries to cheat death, the one thing no human nor Shinigami can do. I mean, just look at the panels. He's a mess. A privileged, pampered brat who isn't getting his way. That is why I consider the Death Note manga ending to be superior to the anime in almost every way. While the anime gives us symbolism and a sense of calm, the manga goes all the way in tearing down this character, who has been a piece of human garbage for years at this point. I find it so satisfying to watch him get what he deserves, not only the death but the shame.

Light's own hubris and mental instability stole from him the honourable death he received in the anime. And that is everything I believe he needed, far more than the mere reality check he was given in the anime.

Phew, damn this was a ride and a half to write. I always appreciate feedback, if anyone wants to share their own thoughts on the ending. Please do feel free to do so, and I'll hopefully be back soon with your regularly scheduled shitty fanfics.

[realm-sweet-realm]

Broken Strings, chapter 4: Meet thy Maker

Broken Strings is a story meant to complete the Showdown Bandit narrative and give it a proper ending. 

Previous chapters: 1 2 3

The door was a massive rectangular halo of light, taller than any box that Bandit had ever seen. There was plenty of space between the door and the floor for him to crawl under. Once he was through, Bandit felt as though he was being consumed with light- light more intense than he’d ever felt in his life. Before his eyes could adjust, he heard a voice.

“How did this get out here?” 

Then, he felt a giant, pudgy hand tightening around him. Eyes finally adjusting, he found that a giant woman, hands as large as his entire body, had picked him up and opened the door. Bandit screamed and pushed against the fleshy woman’s hand. The woman panicked in response and dropped him on the floor before heading off down the hallway. She disappeared through another door whose sign read “recording studio.” 

Finally able to get his bearings, Bandit took a look around. He was in a hallway- linoleum floors and metal doors. Thankfully it was a rather short one, for its scale at least. This was beginning to feel like a mistake, but there was nothing to do but press on. The recording studio seemed like his best bet- it was guaranteed that some of those giant creatures were behind the door, at any rate. 

What were those creatures? They were quite like puppets in shape, just... squishier. Bandit had never seen anything like it. He wondered if they also had rules to follow, and if they were the same rules. They must have. The only creatures he’d met that didn’t follow rules were the wood hornets. Slipping under the recording studio door, Bandit immediately came up with a name for them.

Unpretenders. 

He saw a fleshy creature working a camera as others moved tiger and elephant puppets around on a stage, oblivious to their little eyes moving around. Nothing the unpretenders did was for show. None of their tools were fake. The puppets on stage used fake props and pretended they were real, but the unpretenders never would. Did the unpretenders even know that he was alive? Bandit didn’t know, but he felt it was safest to sit limp against the wall as he watched all of this. He needed to make a plan if he was going to get help from any of them. Then, he saw a smaller giant- she was still enormous compared to him, but maybe half the height of the others. She was laying a few feet away from one of the walls, colouring a picture of the elephant character. A child. Children were open-minded- maybe she was his best bet at getting help.

Bandit got up up and ran to her. She looked up and saw him, eyes full of awe, and stretched out a hand to catch him. The tiger character took notice, and froze in place, unable to make sense of what he was seeing. A puppet, strings dragging, running unassisted across what couldn’t be puppet territory? The elephant brushed against him, trying to get him to focus, but he was stuck even as the puppeteer yanked harder at his strings.

“Cut!” the director said, and a variety of workers attempted to figure out what was wrong with the puppet.

Meanwhile, the little girl had brought Bandit up to her cheek. “Kid, ah need your help!” Bandit said. He wasn’t exactly enjoying this treatment, but it could have been worse. The girl flinched with shock. “That’s right. Help. Please.”

“Just a second,” the little girl said. The adults were still working trying to figure out what was going on, or otherwise were standing around doing nothing. No one was watching her. She escaped into the hallway. “What do you need? This needs to be quick- I need to stay where I belong or I’ll get in trouble.”

“Ah need to find the one who works on puppets- Showdown Bandit puppets. Do you know who that is?”

“I know someone who works on some puppets. What’s Showdown Valley?” The girl looked down to her colouring book. On its front were the words, “Jungle King, a Sillytoons production, created by Buddy Bublik.”

“That’ll do,” Bandit decided.

The little girl went to the building’s lobby. The front-desk woman’s eyes went wide. “Julia. You’re supposed to stay in the recording studio with your mom!”

“Yes,” the girl replied tearfully, “I was told to give this to Buddy Bublik, but I got lost.” She gave the woman her very best puppy-dog eyes.

“I’ll take care of that. And first, I’m walking you to the studio.”

“No, first we have to give this to him! I’m not doing it until then.” There was obvious distress in her voice. Julia was surprisingly good at acting.

“Alright. You run a hard bargain, but sure. We’ll go to him, first.”

So, the two walked to Buddy Bublik’s office. Buddy Bublik himself was a rather tall and stocky man, compared to some of the others Bandit had seen. He had  a short beard and mustache and was wearing a cowboy hat. His desk was currently covered in newspapers, and he was painting a puppet- an ape wearing a crown. The shelf above his desk was lined with other animal puppets- mostly jungle animals, but also a horse wearing a rustic-looking saddle. Bandit could trust this man.

“Mr. Bublik? Um, this little girl really wanted you to have this puppet. Would you mind looking after it for a while?”

He turned from his work. He seemed concerned upon seeing the puppet. “I’ll look after it. But, uh, tell her mother that she can’t bring her to work anymore. She must have fished it out of the supply closet.”

“Oh, okay,” the woman replied, sounding disappointed. “Julie, you shouldn’t have done that.”

Julia didn’t listen. She just put Bandit onto his creator’s desk and gave him a wink. Bandit winked back. With that, they left. Bandit turned to the man.

“You don’ have ta punish her. Ah got out on my own.

“What?!” A look of absolute horror had plastered itself over Buddy’s face. “Y-you- you-”

“That’s it, get it out of your system. Yes, ah’m alive. And I need help.”

“Okay... um, what help do you need, lil’ guy?” 

“The people of Showdown Valley have been invaded and displaced by an army of stringless. We need your help gettin’ our home back. Do you think you can do that?”

“I. I think so. The stringless. So... the backup puppets?”

“Backup?”

“Yeah. You’re actors. The, uh, stringless, as you call them, are for if any of you get damaged. The dumb nuts that are running this new show didn’t make any back-ups. That’s why I’m set on repairing this one.”

A wave of relief washed over Bandit. “You can repair us?”

“Yeah. People of this world would consider it a rather mundane talent. Now, here’s what’s gonna happen: I’m gonna get through the workday, pretend I’m working late, and sneak into the back to get you. I’ll get you all repaired over the weekend, and I’ll put your box somewhere nice and safe away from the back-ups, okay? I hope it’s not too many puppets that are broken.”

Bandit stifled a laugh. If he sold this as too big a job, Buddy might back out. “Thanks. Ah don’ know how I can repay ya, but thanks.”

“I’ll think’a somethin’,” Buddy drawled. “Anyhow, in the meantime, I have questions for you and you must have questions for me. Why don’t you ask’em while I work on the puppets?”

“Well, first and foremost- the rules. They real?”

“What rules?”

“The rules you go crazy for not followin’! Don’t look up, guard your strings, play your part! We all come into this world with an instinctive knowin’ of them!”

“You do? Fascinating. Well, I don’t know. I don’t think that would make you go insane, but there’s obviously a lot I don’t know about puppets. But you know what it sounds like to me?”

“What?”

“It sounds like you people started out with an understanding that the stringless were different from you, and a desire to think that your way of feelin’ and actin’ was right, and that’s how you decided there were rules. The stringless had no strings, no role, and no reason not to break the fourth wall. And all you understood is that you didn’t want to be like them.”

Bandit sat with that for a while. It felt wrong. He wished the idea were were something physical so he could shoot it. “So everythin’s arbitrary, then? We kept the stringless from joining our village peacefully for nothin’? Banker became a shut-in for nothin’? Penny plucked out her eyes and gave up her shop for nothin’? And that’s the other thing!” Bandit got up and pointed an accusing finger at Buddy, who remained unintimidated by the hand-sized puppet. “You’re... God, right?”

“I- suppose?”

“Why did you kick Penny out of her shop?”

“The answer is right beside you,” Buddy said, pointing to the horse puppet. “I was tinkering with her role. Thought that instead of a general store, she could run a stable. But before I could finish making her stable, the network changed their mind about the Showdown Bandit franchise. They decided to put it on hold so they could pour all their workers into Jungle King. So, I guess I got her stuck between roles to an extent. Sorry, I didn’t know you were alive.”

“So we’re not even actors. Is it all pointless, then?”

Buddy sighed. “If yours is, mine is. But look, were those rules you guys made really making you happy, or fulfilled? Isn’t it better to make rules that will benefit people, and decide for yourself what has meaning? And anyhow, when yoour show resumes production, you all are going to enter the stage as the first puppets who know that you’re puppets. The first ones that spoke to humans. And I think that’s magical.”

At the end of the day, Bandit rode on Buddy’s shoulder as they went back to the storage area. Even as Buddy’s shadow darkened their box, the Showdown Valley citizens didn’t look up. But as their box was lifted, there was commotion.

“It’s okay, everyone!” Bandit called to his brethren as he slid down into the box. “He’s with me. And hoo boy do I have a lot to tell ya!”

[arsnovacadenza]

Day 2: Standoff

Characters: Napoleon Bonaparte & Wellington (OC by @batteryrose) Pairings     : Napolington gen/pre-slash

“En Garde!”

By the third day, Leon was brave enough to look over his back.

He noticed somebody had been watching him as he left the airplane wreckage after looting for rations. Although they were distant, the crunching sounds his stalker's footsteps made were audible.

If they were in a war, he might have thought of them as foolish. But there was no war. There hadn't been any for years. Minuscule battles still occurred here and there, including the skirmish his squad encountered before they were separated from each other.

Now it's just you and I, Leon smiled wryly. Why you still think of me as a threat, I have no idea.

How long had they been alone?

Before this, the French soldier had been moving from one settlement to another, searching for a radio. Every building had been long abandoned, and he struggled to find one with working electricity. Sleeping places weren't hard to find (if you considered those cracker-thin mattresses comfortable), and neither was running water.

But scouring for food was an entirely different matter. Leon was no picky eater. His training (as well as recurring unfortunate circumstances) allowed him to withstand a relatively unchanging diet of flavorless protein bars. But even those were scarce.

Leon remembered the days when he and his comrades would keep an eye out for farms around their vicinity. At night, they'd jump over the fences and slaughtered whatever animals they came across. If they were lucky, they'd carry off a sack of potatoes or two.

It was unethical, they acknowledged. Nothing was in this fast decaying, dog-eat-dog world.

"At least no one's been murdered." His friend Joachim joked. "Hell, I heard that folks one town over from mine used to kill visiting foreign officers and cooked them!"

The town he was referring to had turned to dust long before they were born. Joachim himself disappeared one day during foraging and never returned.

Leon breathed out a long, deep sigh before he stood.

Reluctantly, he reached out for his rifle. Showdown or no, he needed to look for more bullets. Ignoring the eyes that were following him, Leon continued on his way.

Leon stared at his reflection. Dark circles were already taking shape under his eyes. The watering hole would've been a great place to nap if it wasn't for the lone soldier trailing him.

As if he was one to talk. What soldier under pursuit would do his laundry out in the open? Leon chuckled, imagining how baffled the other must have been seeing him setting up a clothesline and washing his shirt and jacket in just his undershirt.

But to Leon, his display of vulnerability was good enough of an invitation. If his predictions were correct, his adversary would come out of hiding and approach, knowing Leon meant no harm.

Not that he expected too much of their possible confrontation. If things took a turn for the worst, he would at least be free of starvation and solitude. Maybe he'd even reunite with Joachim and the others.

His sanity slippage must be very severe if he thought dying by an enemy's bullet was ideal, Leon thought.

Not that he had to wait too long for the end to arrive. Boots clunked heavily on the giant steel plate he was sitting on. Apparently, their owners no longer bothered to conceal their presence anymore.

Without waiting for Leon to turn around, the stalker greeted him in English. "Bold of you to turn your back on an enemy soldier. Are you not afraid of dying?"

Ah, it's a he. And just as desperate as I am.

"Other things can kill me faster." Leon promptly replied, the words rolling off oddly from his tongue. He hadn't spoken French in what felt like ages, let alone English.

Silence fell between them, the foreign man seemingly at a loss for words. Sighing, Leon got up on his feet and finally turned to face his opponent for the very first time.

The man's uniform confirmed him as an enemy soldier, alright. He was taller and had a slightly bigger build. Leon could make out tufts of unruly sandy blonde hair peeking out from beneath the soldier's helmet. Another defining feature was his icy blue eyes, glaring straight at the Frenchman before him.

Leon especially found it striking that the soldier wasn't even aiming his rifle at him. He was cradling the firearm diagonally across his chest, the muzzle raised above his left shoulder. The sleeves of his jacket were rolled back to expose well-defined forearms.

"Don't— don't be alarmed." Leon tried assuring him. "I'm holding no arms. I don't want to fight. See?" He gestured towards his clothesline and scattered equipment.

His opponent's eyes darted around the site before scrutinizing Leon from top to bottom. Eventually, he lowered his rifle with some hesitation.

"How ludicrous," The soldier scoffed without much bite. "The men from my company were fools, the lot of them. But I've never met anyone as reckless as you." Judging from his accent, the man was nowhere akin to the American soldiers Leon saw in the field.

"I," Leon struggled to come up with a witty remark on his own. "I'm alone."  he blurted out.

That was a nonsensical response if he were to go with the man's confounded expression. After a long, awkward pause, the gentleman cleared his throat.

"That makes the two of us, then." He set the weapon down and let it rest by his leg.

Relieved, Leon straightened back and rested a hand on his hip. The man seemed trustworthy, at least for now. All he had to do now was play the gracious host.

Until he kills me or leaves on his own, I guess.

"So," he cheerfully piped, mustering all his remaining charisma. "Are you hungry? I don't have much, but please help yourself." He invited the soldier to his makeshift encampment. "Do you still have rations?"

The soldier smiled wryly. "No. I was down to two bars when I came down to that wreckage. Was planning to loot some supplies, but there you were, an enemy soldier." He grumbled in laborious breaths. "I had been sustaining myself on those bars and some water those whole three days I followed you."

"How did you manage?"

"Fed on sheer anger." The Englishman flashed a smirk. "I was so jealous seeing you munching on those bars without a care in this bloody, shithole of a world. Hell, I was eager to shoot you right then and there before stripping you of every last protein bar you have."

Leon burst into a laugh, startling the poor soldier a second time.

His laughter rang loud and free, and Leon didn't care. It was a sign that maybe, just maybe, there was still hope after all these wretched months spent hungry and desolate.

The man peered at him with astonished, yet curious eyes.

"Pardon me," Leon apologized after his laughter died down. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at you. Um, I think I did not catch your name."

"Wellesley. Arthur Wellesley," He introduced himself with poise. "Second Lieutenant of the Royal Irish Regiment, 1st Battalion."

"Nice to meet you, Wellesley," The Frenchman stuck out his hand. "Bonaparte. Corporal Napoleon Bonaparte. But ranks no longer mean anything, no?" he grinned. "Call me Leon."

"Likewise," Wellesley accepted his handshake. " 'Arthur' is alright. Or call me Wells," the man muttered with a light blush on his cheeks. "That's what the blokes from my old regiment called me."

Leon nodded, standing back and regarding his new friend appreciatively.

"So, then, Wells." His emerald eyes glinted with newfound spirit. "What shall we do next?"

So with a 1, 2, 3, we will pick up our feet

Forgetting yesterday and every day, they don't mean a thing

Another 1, 2, 3, don't stop moving your feet

I'm sure that's all that we, that's all that we need.

Notes:

Made for Day 2 of Napoleon Birthday Prompt 2020 by @kissmetwicekissmedeadly .The lyrics I put in the ending are taken from this English cover of an anime OP. 

Also, Napoleon could've just gone with "Leon" instead of "Napoleone". It's less conspicuous for a nickname and it would suit him just fine.

[emblemxeno]

Xander Support Science Rebuttal/Review + How Mediocre Localization Could Change A Character (2/2)

Continuing From My Last Post (You can find my first post here with all of the links and citations referenced there also being applicable here)

This was originally gonna be three parts, but cutting down the rest of what I had, I don’t think I would have enough for three so instead you get a big second post. Please enjoy, and leave comments/asks one what you liked and what I could do do better in the future.

Continuation 

-At 20:57, Ghast talks about Xander’s final showdown in BR chapter 26, “Despite already establishing that Xander had his doubts about Garon and his way of doing things, calling his siblings naive is hilariously rich coming from someone who routinely overreacts and disrespects his own family members for making inarguable claims about Garon” Xander doesn’t say that in the original script. He instead says:

Xander: I see...So you deceived Camilla and Leo like that? However, that will not work on me. As the First Prince of the Kingdom of Nohr, I cannot allow those who threaten the Kingdom to exist. No matter what others may say, now...I will defeat Corrin. 

Nothing to indicate Xander disrespecting his siblings by insulting them, it’s simply a matter of defending his country.

-Ghast then goes on to also mention how Xander defended Garon and told Leo to shut up in Rev chapter 14. To that, notice the difference in the conversation between JP and the localization.

-

JP version, english patch 

Leo: ...Hey, Xander. We should help fight, too. Even if we become enemies of Nohr, just like Corrin…

Xander: What?! Don’t say such stupid things!! 

Leo: !!

Xander: Understand? We have our pride as the Nohrian royal children. No matter what happens, Father… He won’t let anyone betray this country. Remember this fact.

Leo: ...Sorry.

Xander: ...If you understand, then it’s okay. From here on out... There are things that we must do for Nohr. Corrin and them will meet at the Bottomless Canyon, when the skies over Nohr and Hoshido switch. Until then... Gather all of the trustworthy troops you can find.

Leo: ...Brother? What on earth are you…?

Localization

Leo: Xander, I’m not certain we should be fighting the Hoshidan forces. Even if it means becoming enemies of Nohr…

Xander: Enough of this foolishness!

Leo: !!

Xander: Listen. We are noble princes of Nohr--loyal sons to King Garon. No matter what… We cannot betray Father or this kingdom. Remember that.

Leo: I apologize for my words, Brother.

Xander: No need to apologize, so long as you understand. You and I must do all we can to protect Nohr. Corrin told where and when to meet him/her. We need to be at the Bottomless Canyon on the day the skies change. We have until then to gather our most trusted soldiers.

Leo: What are you planning to do, Xander?

-

The JP version has Xander shift his perspective, because this is the point where he realizes Garon is not the man he used to be. When he tells Leo to “shut up” in the JP script, it’s because Leo mentioned betraying Nohr not anything to do with their father. The conversation goes onto paint Garon as a tyrant by saying “He won’t let anyone betray this country” placing the blame unto his father for being an asshole, rather than having Noblesse oblige towards BOTH Garon and the Kingdom. The localization makes this conversation worse by having Xander still vehemently defend Garon when it was supposed to subtly communicate that it won’t be the case anymore. It also makes Xander look like more of a dick than he actually is.

Line Changes

-At 22:15, he goes onto the Conquest chapter 27 line where Xander says Corrin will be punished like any other traitor if they are leading the Nohr family into a trap to do them harm. He also says that Xander believes that Corrin is leading them into a Hoshidan ambush, but I don’t know where he got that from? He says nothing about Hoshido, he only says if Corrin’s actually trying to harm their family. And again, this is another case of localization making Xander seem more harsh than he is. The original line was:

“Xander:..I understand. You’re the one who has led and fought with us the whole time. That’s why...I believe you. I believe in your words. But, if what you say turns out to be a lie...We will determine you as an enemy, and our entire army will turn against you. Prepare yourself for that.” 

Nothing as threatening as the localized version, because Xander isn’t actually like that.

Xander’s Denial/Trust Issues

-Ghast goes on “While Corrin’s claim would be hard to swallow, without any context, Garon’s been a bloodthirsty monster the entire game (talks about Garon being evil and Xander witnessing it)...Xander even later says the war was pointless and that his real father, would never have started a meaningless war like the one they just fought in, showing that he knew from the start that what he was doing was wrong. So why would he threaten Corrin like that for suggesting disposing of Garon”?

Because, at that point, he was still in denial of Garon possibly being bad, clinging onto hope that his father would return to the way he was. As I mentioned earlier, it takes seeing Garon as a literal monster to finally push Xander over the edge, but it’s also why he and the other Nohr siblings are hesitant to fight against Slime Monster Dad, because they felt the exact same way due to how they grew up. 

Following up, he says, “Why would he not trust Corrin, when at that point of the game they chose to return to Nohr and fight with them and they probably have an A support which shows he’s been doubting Garon for years” 1) As stated before, the support wasn’t translated well, he’s not actually the type to stand up to Garon even if he had his doubts unless you have some very definitive proof and 2) 9 times out of 10, Supports don’t affect the story in any meaningful way. At best it affects whether you can not have someone unrecruit themselves, or in 3H in order to get the CF route. I can just as easily have Corrin not support Xander at all.

Further on, Ghast says “Even after Garon being a complete dickbag, and Corrin showing unquestionable loyalty the entire game, Xander still trusts Garon more” No, he doesn’t. It’s not trust, it’s fear. He’s afraid of his father. He visibly recoils whenever Garon barks orders at him, he says that as a kid he was more scared of his father than any ghost in the Boo Camp DLC. Xander is fully aware of Garon’s atrocities and how awful he is, but he defends him because protecting Garon is synonymous with protecting his Kingdom and family, and because he’s in deep denial of Garon’s behavior due to growing up in a destructive environment, AND because he’s utterly terrified of him. It’s a complex way of thinking, and something that has shaped Xander up to that point.

Logic vs. Emotion

-He goes back to BR chapter 26 at with 25:17 “He doesn’t even take a moment to think things through and ask himself why all of his siblings have stopped fighting Corrin already, he doesn’t consider Leo and Camilla’s feelings at all, completely dismisses Elise’s plight, and instead blindly fights for Garon to win the war...Xander’s reaction to Elise’s final dying plea in his arms that he’s responsible for, to get him to listen finally is to continue fighting Corrin. Xander’s hubris has blinded him from seeing why Camilla and Leo could see reason, he pushed his agenda so far that he literally killed his own sister. At this point, Xander has absolutely nothing but his annoying patriotism to his country and his blind obsessiveness with pleasing Daddy Dearest, so instead of finally beginning to see the light, Xander instead spits on Elise’s dying wish, and forces Corrin to fight him, despite literally being told not to do it.”

Ghast’s incessant desire for Xander to have no personality except considering others feelings and be a pragmatist is what drags down this analysis the most for me. Besides already ignoring literally everything that was changed in the localization, as well as the more-than-implied undertones of an abusive/destructive childhood, he is under the impression that after killing his own sister, there should only be one reaction to it, to join Corrin and fight Garon. Completely disregarding the darkest part about Xander, his suicidal desires, most of which are delved into his Nyx support. You can’t get this support in BR obviously, and that route is where he is pushed to his limits and is suffering the most on the inside; when he kills Elise everything inside of him breaks and he thinks the only way to atone is to die, hence why he triggers a Suicide-by-Cop by forcing Corrin to fight him. This is reflected in gameplay where his stats are lowered and he doesn’t move, showing that he’s holding back and wanting Corrin to finish him off.

Ghast goes on to say “What were the writers hoping to achieve by making Xander completely disregard his little sister’s sacrifice and to continue fighting with absolutely no resolve or reason to fight? He couldn’t do anything else? Really?”

Uh, yeah. Really. At least that’s what Xander believed. Being suicidal does that to people. Context of the moment and not thinking rationally can really fuck someone up depending on what happens. It is an issue the audience can have, where doing the smart thing is obvious, and it’s bad writing when the character doesn’t do it, but 1) characters aren’t robots dictated solely by logic and 2) characters that always do the right/smart thing can get pretty boring, at least to me. It’s also why I enjoy Corrin as a protagonist and why Takumi and Leo work extremely well as Corrin’s foils.

-He then goes onto critique Xander claiming he didn’t have a choice like his other siblings, because of his responsibility as Crown Prince, saying that at that point, Leo, Camilla and Elise had left the war so what did he have left to fight for. And to that I say, he had the rest of Nohr to fight for, literally a bunch of innocents that he needs to protect. Meanwhile, his retainers are probably bleeding out, whoops.

-30:28 “Now Elise is dead. Her courageous sacrifice goes ignored by Xander, and the only possible reasoning behind his decision to continue was to keep fighting for Garon and Nohr” or, y’know, because of those not so subtle suicidal tendencies of his that were just triggered by him killing his sister, leading him wanting to be killed?

“But therein lies another problem, Xander’s responsibility is to his people, not to a megalomaniac king undeserving of his loyalty” Denial, fear, and a harmful way of thinking can do that to someone.

-Ghast actually acknowledges Xander’s suicide by cop thing with his stats and says it was supposed to be tragic but it’s not because he thinks Xander’s line of letting his feelings overrule my duty is baffling because “...he suppressed his real feelings because of his duty, there’s no instance where Xander’s emotions get in the way of doing what he should do as Crown Prince, someone who is to strive for the well being of his people” Chapter 2 he spares Kaze and Rinkah, and in chapter 3 he and the other siblings rescue Corrin despite not being ordered to. This is him doing what his feelings told him to do in spite of what consequence it might have for his country in the future. Not to mention a lot of his actions in Conquest have him do things based on emotion and feelings even if it might have ended the war sooner not to.

-34:55, “So guess what? He knew. He knew Camilla left for a good reason, he knew Leo was right to suspect Garon, he agreed with what Elise wanted the entire time, and he knew Corrin was right, but most importantly he doesn’t believe in Garon anymore. So what does he have left? His people. But how, Xander? How are you going to lead your people to the peaceful future you just admitted to always wanting as Crown Prince if you go ahead and throw your life away? So let me answer your question. Is that justice? No Xander, it’s karma, you colossal tool”.

People aren’t allowed to have feelings and who cares if he was suicidal and wanted his life to end because he felt like he didn’t deserve to live anymore, and most likely felt his people deserved better than him, yadda yadda. Again, it’s this desire to rope Xander into this box of not having a character besides being receptive to other people that makes this analysis worse. Because he’s ignoring intrinsic facets of Xander’s personality. Traits that really can’t be ignored when understanding the greater context of the siblings, Nohr, and the game as a whole. Unfortunately, said traits were also bogged down a bit by a bad localization.

35:37-”If this was support Xander he wouldn’t have done all of this and he would’ve made all the right choices” I don’t agree, for aforementioned reasons that I don’t wish to repeat again.

35:56 ”And if he can’t negotiate peace, Xander should bravely face his father like he said he did in the past and do the right thing for the countrymen he so devoutly serves. Stand up to the guy.” Basically the entire argument is based on one line that was never in the original script and therefore never intended to be something the audience would think. Xander never stood up to Garon directly before, the only real instance of that happening is chapter 27 of Conquest, where he finds his father is a literal monster. Any other time he tries, he recoils in fear. Even his line in CQ chapter 9 where Corrin might be executed for getting help from Elise and Xander says “Father, kill me or kill no one. That is all there is to it” isn’t in the JP script, it was literally just ellipses instead.

The Second Video: Xander’s Supposed Hypocrisy

The second video goes onto more story Xander and supports Xander stuff, once again closing Xander off into a box of just being selfless and being completely receptive.

-At 4:25 he says instead of letting the war be over quicker by letting Zola execute the Hoshidan royals Xander commits treason against his own army and people by destroying Zola’s company in chapter 18. Ghast makes this out as Xander being self fulfilling and not for the welfare of his people at all, despite this completely going against Ghast’s apparent need for Xander to consider his families’ feelings and wishes, and saving the Hoshido royals would what Corrin would want. I really don’t know what Ghast really wants from Xander sometimes.

-From 6:01 to 7:12, Ghast criticizes Xander’s way of doing things as hypocritical. “Xander acts like Garon (declaring treachery and using violence to get his way) to make sure the war is won in an honorable way”. Never mind the fact that since Xander is thinking about the future of Nohr, and he doesn’t want his country to be seen as deceptive cowards, and the fact standing by and letting a person like Kotaro do what he wants, despite being a greedy politician who destroyed a whole country in the past and can easily stab Nohr in the back later.

Further on, at 10:05, “It’s not enough to be a good person, you have to stand up to people doing bad things” ...that’s literally what he does against Zola though? Besides the aforementioned planned execution, there’s also the fact that Zola is committing a crime by instigating conflict in a neutral territory, why would taking him out be a bad thing.

Justice Is An Illusion

-At 11:00, he goes on to criticize Xander’s Justice Is An Illusion speech in CQ 24, specifically the line “If we allow evil men to let their vision take precedence over our own, we all lose. Remember that, and find solace in it” He says this is hypocritical of Xander to say, as Xander had done nothing to stand up for his own vision of peace in the face of evil men at point. This is despite the fact that, as we know by now, Xander isn’t the type of person to stand up and directly fight back against his father, because of fear and denial. So despite it looking cowardly, it’s consistent with how his portrayal was supposed to be, which the localization fumbled on.

Also, the line that Ghast criticizes? Guess which line isn’t in the JP script. Actually the speech is a lot longer in the localization than the JP version, like twice as long:

The localized speech:

Corrin: ...Xander, what do we--?

Xander: I know. I don’t like this plan any more than you do. But we must stay strong. If we falter now, the whole world will pay the price. Corrin… Camilla told me you once asked her where justice lies.

Corrin: Yes. She didn’t have any more answers than I did.

Xander: Little prince/princess… The sad truth is that justice is an illusion. A child’s fairy tale. There is no light path that always leads to good, nor dark path that leads to evil. To believe that--to see the world in black and white--is missing half the picture. All that matters are the choices we make--especially the hard ones.

Corrin: But this? It’s too much…

Xander: Letting innocents die is a tragedy, but so is letting the chance for peace slip away. This is war. There is no such thing as a clean win when lives are on the line. Instead of clinging to a false sense of justice, hold strong to something true… The desire to do what you know is right and to protect the ones you love… And the ambition to see your vision of a peaceful future through to the end. If we allow evil men to let their vision take precedence over our own, we all lose. Remember that, and find solace in it.

Corrin: You’re right, Xander. I know in my heart that you’re right. Gods, give me strength...

The JP Speech:

Corrin: ...Xander. I…

Xander: I know. You do not truly agree with these methods. ...Corrin. Before this, you… I heard from Camilla that you asked where justice is found. 

Corrin: Yes…

Xander: ...Things like justice, do not exist. This is war. In this world, there is no right or wrong way of being. There is only… Ambition and desire. Along with the expectations of the people who follow those emotions. You’d do well to remember that.

Corrin: …

-

I was surprised to see it was so short, so I double checked on a playthrough of the untranslated version to make sure it wasn’t a mess up with the patch, and it’s not. It’s actually that short.

Xander’s Honor

-At 14:22 he says Xander “Carelessly violates his code of conduct by dirtying his hands and by betraying his father and Nohr” What exactly does Ghast want, because Xander goes against Garon like he wanted, and allows his vision to hold precedence like he wanted (even though the line was a Treehouse add-on), yet this is apparently a bad thing because it’s contradictory to what he does later, when in the context of the situation, he literally can’t do anything because it would mean going against half the army as well as any Hoshidan forces. Xander says justice doesn’t really exist, because even when they did things like take out Zola and Kotaro for their scheming, who’s to say that was the most just decision, because as Ghast himself said, letting them do their thing could’ve ended the war faster. But on the other side of things, where would the justice be in letting people like that do what they want? That’s what Xander ultimately means when he says there’s no justice, further complemented by saying there is only ambition and desire; it was Xander’s ambition and desire to do what he thought was right, justice or not.

-At 16:03 to the end, Ghast concludes the video by saying that Support Xander and Story Xander may as well be different people. But the thing is, they’re not. Xander is in deep denial of his father being evil because he’s still latching on to what few good things there were about him, and Garon is what Xander is scared of the most. Xander’s multifaceted personality makes him out to be selfless and caring on the inside, whilst appearing intimidating, but none of this was intentionally cultivated, it’s just the way he grew up, and being a natural introvert, he’d rather not change how people perceive him because he’d rather not cause anyone trouble. And having a drive to do things for others, he also has personal issues and sentiments which influence his actions, such as suicidal desires and difficulty controlling and expressing his emotions.

This is shown really well, but mostly only in the original script. The grievous inconsistencies are a result of the localization adding in lines that contradict what was originally supposed to be conveyed. Apparently he stands up against Garon frequently, he fights for justice against evil men, and he doesn’t let his emotions rule over his logic. But none of that is actually true.

Conclusion

In general, I don’t really like either video because Ghast imposes what kind of character Xander should be like and doesn’t acknowledge (or outright dismisses as stupid) a lot of what could influence him. The final driving point is that it’s simply baffling that there’s no acknowledgement whatsoever of Xander’s story inconsistencies being possibly a result of bad localization (which they are) when Fates had one of the most controversial localization seasons in the past few years. Granted, yes, people were more up in arms about problematic content, the skinship, and name changes, but not many seem to recognize that maybe that it also extends to the script in general altering character personalities? It’s even more confusing considering Ghast’s main videos are about story and character analysis, yet doesn’t really seem to ever bring up how localization and translation can alter the script, thereby affecting the player’s reading of the plot.

Overall, what’s done has been done, most people see Xander as two (or three) different people because of Fates’ bad writing and not because messages possibly being misconstrued. I would like to say, that saying Xander was ruined was not the best choice of words, as even with mediocre translation, he’s still a fantastic character and not all of what makes him the way he is was lost.

It’s just I feel like we could’ve gotten better.

Anyway, thanks to all who read through this. Play Fates, it’s a good game, even though I think Treehouse fumbled a lot of it.

[normal-thoughts-official]

aaaand we are back back again with malec livewatch! you can read the first and second parts before if you wanna, or filter out “malec livewatch” if ur tired of this absolute bullcrap

yes i know it’s been years. not my fault okay i was studying

today: post-wedding 1×12! and finally freedom from the terrors of s1

forever a slut for that scene where Magnus just does that hand movement and a bunch of shit starts showing up in the conveniently empty table ugh we stan. imagine if the special effects had been this good all the time they really used up 10 out of their 15 dollars and all the two favors from cousin Mike for this one. 1×12 was so inspired tbh only valid episode

Alec's clothes look so much better without the stupid ugly blazer? could do without the high waisted pants (why) but he looks so much better and also more comfortable. again i hope the costume department staff got a big, fat paycheck because the difference we see in him during the wedding vs post-wedding alone is just insane. he looks so much better and more comfortable and more himself, the blazer made him look stiff and again DOESNT MATCH THE REST. also nice touch that the blazer is the only part of his clothing with gold, the sh wedding color. he gets that off and everything looks so much better

Magnus looks even better post wedding too. like the clothing is already *chef's kiss* but he looks even prettier afterwards somehow. the hair is a little softer and he's less stiff as a whole (for obvious reasons), and aaaa hes so beautifulllll he's so prettyyyy look at his perfect soft little hair falling softly over his head and the PINK STREAKS possibly the best Magnus look i said what i said. especially with him all soft and smiley like that i big love him

sexiest thing about Magnus is how Jace does anything and hes like NO BITCH

the way he says "warlock tracking is stronger" with that smile......... hes so prety

that's a deep inhale he makes before using the tracking spell lmao u ok buddy?

oof i can only imagine how he felt when he was doing the tracking and he was suddenly hit with an image of Camille screaming and hitting in his direction,,,....,,,,,,, Fuck

love how Raphael just locked her in the basement thats so sexy of him we stan

"i punched her there's no way she'll help me" ugh still salty that clary of all ppl got to punch her but not Raphael or Magnus fuck this tbh

STOP MAKING ME LOOK AT CLACE

they both look so giddy and happy to be talking after the whole wedding thing + camille drama like don’t look at me. alec can barely look at magnus because he’s so agitated but you have the smile on his face and magnus is also smiling disbelievingly and i just doaudjsuoiadsa i love they

seriously tho the way magnus smiles..... so private and disbelieving but also so obvious and he’s even looking down like he never expected stuff to go down this well..... bro i stan

i had forgotten about the specific cadence in which alec talks? lmao. there’s a certain tilt to his voice when he says “it’s so INTENSE” that i really love

also that’s a really funny line like honey who the fuck are you to complain about anything being intense. ur the most dive or die bitch in this entire building. and we stan

alec’s WIDE ASS SMILE when magnus says “you certainly know how to make a statement” I CRY. magnus looks so proud of him and still disbelieving that alec went this hard for him and alec is just still on cloud 9 that he really Did That and came out and magnus is just proud of him and wow he really gets to have this and duahdsudhsadajsas???? i adore everything about them

the way maryse shows up and magnus immediately recoils and alec immediately straightens up like magnus is lowkey expecting rejection and alec is just bracing himself for one of the hardest fights of his life

also their expressions are so funny like maryse is LIVID she’s absolutely losing her mcfucking mind with anger homegirl’s head is about to explode and robert is just looking like he pissed on the carpet or something

the way alec doesn’t back down at all is so admirable too like!!!! it’s one thing to make a big fuck you gesture, it’s another to still hold your ground against your abusers after that fact. but he really stands there and goes “this isn’t about you” “i’m the same person i’ve always been” and doesn’t give her an inch of room for clownery. like again once alexander gideon lightwood makes up his mind there’s no stopping him and there’s no going back and he’s just so fucking strong??? he really said “from now on i’m out and you’re going to absolutely deal with that and i will not compromise a single thing” and the lightwoods just had to deal with that lmaoooo 

you can see it in maryse’s face too, like after the “i’m the same person i’ve always been” she just pauses, realizing that she lost this battle without even knowing, she was on top of it a second ago and now there’s nothing she can do anymore and she’s just shook. and all that’s left for her is to scoff at magnus and leave, because that’s it, she lost every hold she had on him

alec’s little mouthed “what?” at “and all for a downworlder” too. i think part of him was like “wow she’s backing down already?” because you know he expected this to be a lot harder i think lmao. but i also like to think that there’s a side of “mom what the fucking fuck have you seen him he’s gorgeous and kind and smart and amazing and literally the best person i could have fallen in love with but go off i guess”

robert going all “just give her time” like he doesn’t understand what’s happening here at all. he clearly plays the “good cop” in the lightwood’s abusive dynamic tbh, like people often brush him off as being just spineless but i honestly think that he’s just the other side of her manipulative coin. specially with izzy, like, when izzy said fuck it and completely let go of maryse’s hold on her? that’s where robert came in, being the accepting, “nice” parent who listened to her and cared, and making sure she’d keep her loyalties. because he didn’t really stand up for izzy either and in the end he kept her still glued to the lightwood family through that, and kept defending maryse and izzy listened to him because he was robert. and i think that’s what’s happening here too, him trying to frame this as “don’t worry, she’ll come around” because he knows right then that alec is absolutely going to turn their back on them if that’s what it takes for her to be happy so he immediately slides in and reframes this under an affection light where everything will be alright! even if honestly i don’t think that’s what alec is really thinking about at all, i think he was 100% ready for a showdown 

and robert is clearly so disapproving and yikes at the whole thing too but he pretends he isn’t and like lmao

shoutout to their faces when robert asks “are you two in love?” like magnus just turns around like oh hell no we’re not gonna have this conversation and alec lights up for just a second with a small smile before he’s like wait wait no shit shit shit we’ve just met no of course there’s no love (and like... i don’t think there is per se, because i think love is something that takes longer to settle in, specially for alec, but i think the idea that he could talk openly about being in love with a man and even fall fully in love with magnus one day makes him super happy you know?) lmao dorks

tho tbh i think magnus shuts down that conversation immediately to avoid heartbreak. because i think that for this whole thing he was expecting alec to say something he’d hate hearing to get his parents’ approval, you know? like like i said it’s really unexpected and surprising/inspiring that alec didn’t back down an inch there, and i think he was expecting alec to kind of fall back slightly now, like, he played his cards and now he would negotiate with them, you know? find a place to make them comfortable. instead alec gives them a complete fuck you and he’s like... damn obviously super pleased but also waiting for the other shoe to drop

he just steps in like “pls no” and stops that conversation right there 

the way alec takes a deep breath and magnus opens his mouth then closes again quickly not knowing what to say and then changes the subject.... he’s really so scared of this talk and i just aaa

alec literally never fucking stops going from magnus’ eyes and lips in quick succession like alec. alec please. stop being horny for just a second man. please alec i’m begging you

it’s so cute how magnus mentions a date and alec is immediately like “hell YEAH we should do that” no hesitation like he’s 100% ready to leave immediately right now (i see his pause between “wanna... i don’t know, get a drink?” and “....sometime?”, i see it, you can’t fool me alexander) and also the fact that his first suggestion is something that he hates but that he knows for a fact magnus likes is so cute, like he immediately goes for magnus’ interests here and we stan

i also think that he’s come to associate drinking = dates after 1x06 and the way magnus called him specifically for a drink before he showed up too, like... it’s cute how he immediately came to associate those things because of magnus and just jumps into that because that’s what he knows. he’s so eager and like good for him

magnus’ SMILE when he says that like bro he can see how stoked alec is to go on a date with him they are adorable he is so fucking HAPPY i doubt he expected such a great outcome from this and yet here they are

ALEC DOES THE WHOLE LOOKING AT HIS LIPS IN QUICK SUCCESSION THING ONE LAST TIME BEFORE THE SCENE ENDS SHUT UP OH MY GOD HE NEVER STOPS. MATT DADDARIO THANK YOU FOR MY RIGHTS

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