#also thinking about how ill never have a family either because ill never actually fall in love and im gonna sob all over again

[amyispxnk]

y'all ever wanna be loved so badly but you know you never will be so you read things like fanfic and daydream scenarios where someone actually loves you and they're supposed to be sweet and they are for a while but then you keep thinking about the actual reason why you're making these scenarios is because they will never be true for you and you will never experience anything close to it and suddenly you're crying and then nothing helps make you feel better about it anymore?

cuz like same ��

[atrwriting]

selfish - frank castle x reader

hey y'all back in action with another porn no plot one shot

all i'm saying is,,, they knew who their target audience was with this (or are we just all mentally ill?)

summary: frank shows you what it means to be a real, selfish man.

informal warnings: frank is the selfish man in this, but I was the selfish woman writing this. couldn't get this out of my head as I started season two of the punisher, and frankly (haha get it -- sorry) after this scene you wouldn't be able to either

as always, the actual warnings: vulnerable frank, #sadboihrs for both the reader and frank, smut, porn no plot, choking, dirty talk, and ROUGH frank

anyway... selfish:

“what’s your type?”

the million dollar question. the one that you had been troubling yourself over for years.

“my type?” you repeated, eyeing the man who asked you. “or my pattern?”

he tilted his head in curiosity. “both.”

you chuckled. “my pattern… well, they’re usually useless. man babies.”

it was his turn to chuckle. “you like taking care of them, yeah?”

you shrugged. “i love taking care of people, but not men that de-age into babies as time goes on. did you know a guy i dated asked me how to boil water once?”

“you’re joking,” he took a swig of his beer, eyeing you. “no way that’s true. made that up.”

“i wish,” you laughed, rubbing a hand over your face. “i’m also not making it up that i stayed with him two years after that.”

“sounds like your fault.”

you nodded. “the pattern made me realize what my real type is.”

“what?”

“it’s corny.”

“say it.”

a smirk attempted to appear on your lips, but you pushed it back down. “i don’t like selfless men.”

he let out a laugh in disbelief at that. “you and every other chick.”

you chuckled too. “i heard this an analogy once… if you’re falling over a cliff, would you want your person to save you? or someone else about to fall on another side of the cliff?”

he stopped talking then, listening intently.

you kept going. “obviously, i’d want the other person saved… but in my head, when i’m all alone and there’s no one that has to be saved… sometimes it’s nice to think that someone would be so selfish that they would save me over doing what’s right.”

“you could live with that though?” he asked, narrowing his eyes, a bit of judgement lacing his words.

you shrugged. “never been the person that was saved, so i’m really not sure. it’s not that i want to be saved or anything — that’s super fucking corny. but man, a fucking masculine man, putting you over other things? deciding that in that moment, you’re what matters to him? i spend all my days being selfless, putting myself in danger so other people are saved… and i’m tired.” you took a swig of your drink. “i’m really fucking tired.”

“why don’t you save yourself, then?”

“for the same reason you’re here,” you sighed. “when have we ever been selfish, frank?”

he laughed at that, but almost scoffed. “i don’t do anything i do for anyone but me.”

you swallowed then, clenching your jaw. “so many people have wronged you… but you’ve only done what you’ve done because of how people have wronged those you loved. hate to break it to you… but you’re as selfless as anyone could be.”

he folded his lips underneath his teeth and stared aimlessly off into the distance. there were bags under his dark eyes, and no amount of sleep or beer would ever take them away. the man would never know peace, and your heart broke at that. however, it was nice to know someone was going down the rabbit hole with you.

“i don’t think i’m selfless,” he finally spoke after a bit.

you raised an eyebrow at him, calling his bluff.

“i did the things i did because my family was what was most important to me,” he admitted. “that’s selfish.”

you swished his words around in your mouth a little, and decided he was right. the spin on your words made you nod, agreeing with him. “i see your point.”

“so, what?” he asked. “you want a man that would choose you over innocent people?”

you huffed, standing. “i know you know that i never said that. i’m saying that in the back of my mind, it would be nice, just once, for a selfish man to decide that i’m all he wanted. it would be nice to know that i don’t always have to carry the weight on only my shoulders.”

he didn’t say anything then, staying planted on his seat on the floor. he twisted the bottle in his hands and listened to you.

“if i’m being honest with myself…” you began, swallowing your heavy statement. “i would prefer if they saved the innocents, but only so i could die, as i probably would falling in that situation, with a clear conscience. all i’m saying is… it’s a heavy fucking burden always doing things so i don’t feel guilty.”

you walked away then, not muttering a goodbye. frank didn’t say anything either. you heard him raise the bottle to his lips once more before you shut your bedroom door behind you.

it would be an hour or so before you heard a gentle knock on your door. there was no yelling or screaming outside, so you were grateful to hear there was no imminent danger present. in your tiny pajamas, you answered the door to find none other than frank. he was leaning against a wall in the hallway that led to your door, only a couple feet from you.

he didn’t say anything when you came face to face with him. he just stared at you, placing all of his focus on your confused face. it would be a few moments of silence before he finally stepped closer to you, and placed a calloused hand on your face.

you froze. frank castle never touched you, especially in that way.

“wanna know my type?”

you stared at him and swallowed thickly. your lips parted to whisper, “sure.”

“an escape,” he whispered back. “i know what you meant by always having the dark cloud of duty hanging above your head, ready to kill any moment of peace you happen to get your damned hands on. i’ve done everything i’ve ever done for the people i loved, and i know the only way for me to experience any fuckin’ joy is with another person.”

his dark eyes held your gaze, and you soon grew lost in them and his words. you swiped your tongue across your lips and stepped closer. you could feel frank’s breath on your chin, but you couldn’t breathe. his scent, his stare, and his fucking words were more intoxicating than any alcohol you had before.

“you want an escape, frank?” you softly asked, eyes darting to his lips.

“i do,” he stated, before he lowered his head and kissed you.

his free hand immediately came up to the other side od your face and pressed against your cheek. there, he held you in the palms of his hands as you rested your hands on his thick, muscled chest. his lips were dry and cracked, but you didn’t care. the fire that brewed from his affection was enough to fill any of the cold, dark, and lonely places inside of you and you greedily drank from anything he offered.

“you want someone to want you, darlin’?” he asked in between kisses.

you hummed in agreement, not wanting to break apart your kiss for anything — even words.

“can’t get you out of my head, sweetheart,” he spoke, dipping his tongue into your mouth. “need to feel those long legs around me.”

you whimpered at his words, letting his tongue dance with yours. you could taste the heineken on his tongue and savored every bit. “please, frank… i need to feel you so badly.”

“i’ve got you, darlin’.” he picked you up by the backs of your thighs and you wrapped your legs around him. the pads of frank’s finger tips dug into your flesh and a warmth spread throughout you. “those fuckin’ legs.”

you would’ve giggled, but you were too consumed with the very touch of frank to even care. you pulled at his shirt and threw it over his head, sad to break the kiss for even a second. you immediately went to his neck and began to nip at the thick skin, causing a growl to rumble in the deepest parts of his rib cage.

“y’drive me fuckin’ crazy,” he grunted. “sweetest fuckin’ kisses.”

“oh, frank…” you moaned against his neck before he threw you onto the bed. you turned over onto your back to face him. he locked eyes with you as he stood over you, muscles naturally flexed as he undid his belt. your mouth watered at the sight of the fucking man before you, taking off his belt for only you. the way his shoulders, pectorals, and arms worked in the dim light of your room… that man would be the death of you. you hissed, “you’re such a tease.”

he smirked at that, throwing the belt somewhere in the distance. “think you’ve just never been with a real man before,” he replied, before engulfing you into another kiss.

frank’s hand dipped into your shorts and immediately went for your slit. your body fucking sang at finally being touched the way you needed to be as you arched your back into frank, his chest pressed against yours. when frank began to run rough circles around your clit, nothing could hold back your moans or him swallowing them whole.

“only took off my belt, and this is how wet you get?” he asked, biting down on your neck. his long, thick middle finger dipped inside of you as his thumb worked at your clit. he tapped against your upper wall and you keened into his touch, whimpering his name. “now i know it’s the men before me. barely doing a fuckin’ thing and i’ve got you like this.”

you nodded pathetically, just wanting him to continue. “it feels so good,” you gasped, bucking your hips into his hand. “please, please — don’t stop, frank.”

he leaned over and pressed his chest against yours before his lips found your neck once more. his kisses were wet and sloppy, and there was nothing better than feeling the weight of a strong man above you working at your needy pussy. his rough movements against your sensitive skin were sending you into a frenzy as if nothing mattered in the world besides frank — your world started and ended there. your body felt hot — steaming from everything this man was doing for you with barely any effort. your whimpers and gasps fueled frank’s movements as if he couldn’t get enough of them.

“such a good girl f’me,” he said before he bit down on your neck and kissed the spot. “y’get so worked up, i want to see what it’s like when you fall apart.”

“i’m so close, frank…” your voice was hoarse and full of lust, and you were about to break any moment.

“that’s it, baby, yeah,” he spoke, slipping a second finger inside of you. “cum all over these fingers baby. let me taste you after.”

“fuck, fuck, fuck —!”

your world came crashing down onto you. your strength was no match for frank’s, but with the way your back arched and body curled into him, your chests both rose off the bed. he wrapped a strong arm underneath the curve of your back as you fucking sobbed his name, holding you to him and supporting your weight.

“that’s it, darlin’,” he grunted against your ear. “yeah — that’s it. keep cumming for me, fuck…”

your hands grabbed at his thick biceps and you grew lost in his movements against the most sensitive parts of you that never ceased. your hips were rolling in circles with his fingers and your vision went hazy.

“so beautiful like this f’me,” he groaned. “might be mean and not let you stop.”

“fuck, frank,” you cried, whimpering for him. your body fell limp against his arm, and he lowered your bodies back down to the bed. during your comedown, frank kissed at your neck as his free hand ran up and down your body. his other hand continued to rub against your pussy and it was driving you fucking crazy. “let me ride you — please.”

your voice was full of desperation, and frank smirked down at you. he slipped his fingers out of you and rolled off of you onto the bed. you tugged his pants down to his thighs, not wanting to waste any time. you were so greedy, but he didn’t care. he smirked as he watched you pull down your tiny shorts. you straddled him, pressing his chest to yours, as you sank down onto his thick cock.

“my fucking god —“ you gasped, your pussy stretching around him.

frank immediately grabbed your throat and you sucked in a sharp breath at the sight. he placed the tips of his fingers in his mouth, and tasted your juices that remained on his skin. there you were, impaled on his cock, hovering over him as you watched the most sensual thing you had ever seen him do. his dark eyes were locked on yours, but your lips parted as you watched him taste you. only a smirk remained on his lips.

“sweetest fuckin’ pussy i’ve ever tasted,” he spoke. “now show me how she rides me.”

he roughly pushed you upwards so you stood up straight. the angle made a whimper leave your lips, as he was now fully inside of you and the deepest anyone has ever been. you planted a limp hand on his stomach, and began to roll your hips against his.

his calloused hands found your hips as he threw his head back against the bed. the tendons in his neck were on full display as he stretched his head back as far as he could. the pleasure he felt was spreading all throughout his body, and he couldn’t help but go taut at the feeling. you watched his mouth fall agape and his eyes close as a moan pushed passed his lips.

the pads of his fingers dug into your hips and pushed you forward and back. even his fingers were strong and had control over you, and you couldn’t help but willingly give everything over to him. your whines filled the room, getting lost in your own pleasure with him. there was nothing like the sight of being thrown into vulnerable pleasure with the man under you, succumbing to your touch.

“fuckin’ god —“ he moaned, raising his head back up to keep his eyes locked on where your bodies connected. “never felt so fuckin’ good.”

his hoarse voice caused you to move faster as you ground your hips against his. his hands were rough and desperate as they pulled you up, down, back and forth — until you didn’t know which way was anything. all you knew were the directions of frank’s hands, and you followed in suit as he dragged you down another road of ecstasy.

“greedy fuckin’ pussy,” he groaned. “never enough for her, huh? needs more, even after what i did?”

“yes, yes,” you whimpered pathetically. “your cock feels so good, frank. so fucking good.”

“yeah, darlin’, that’s it,” he grunted, brown scrunching together. “such a good fuckin’ girl f’me.”

“fuck, frank — don’t say that,” you cried loudly, biting your lip. “feels too good when you say that — i can’t cum yet.”

he immediately reached for your neck and pulled you down to him. you gasped at his rough touch, but your hips never stopped. he bent his knees so your ass could bounce off of them, giving you more leverage. his cock curled deeper into you, hitting your cervix.

“oh my — god —“ you sobbed so close to his lips.

“nah, baby, that’s not how this works — you’re gonna take everything fuckin’ i give you,” he grunted. “i know y’want to be a good girl f’me, yeah?”

“yeah, yeah, yes —“ you were incoherent at this point, ready to tell frank anything he wanted to hear as he bucked his hips into yours. “frank, i’m so close — how —“

“love a needy pussy like this,” he spoke, pulling you closer by the throat for a kiss. “you gonna be good to me? you gonna cum around my cock?”

“fuck, yes —“ you sobbed. “i want you to cum with me, baby, fill me up.”

that set him off. he rolled both of you over before you even knew what was happening. he had you pressed against the bed, hand still around your throat. you grabbed at his arm, loving having the feeling of his strong muscles hold you down. you wrapped your legs around his back as he threw his hips into you. over, and over, he drove himself inside you.

“dirty fuckin’ girl,” he growled, biting down on the skin of where your neck and shoulder met.

that was it. that was how you crumbled a second time for frank that evening.

you fucking wailed his name.

you grabbed at every part of him you could, struggling to hold on for dear life. your body shook with convulsions as your pussy tightened around him, locking his cock in place. nothing could stop his strong hips as they continued to rut into you — riding out your second orgasm of that evening.

you fell back against the bed, fucked out and gasping for air pathetically. frank pressed several kisses to your neck before he stood up on his knees, leaving your weak body below him. you pushed yourself to your elbows with whatever strength you could muster. frank grabbed you by the hips and you watched him slam his hips into yours.

you watched his forehead scrunch as his mouth fell agape. his chin was almost tucked to his neck as his eyes never left where his cock fucked into you.

“use me just like that, baby,” you cried. “i want your cum inside me.”

his strong, trim body went taut as his orgasm hit him, and you watched hungrily as the man before you fell vulnerable to the only pleasure he could allow himself these days. you watched as his conscious mind slipped further and further into the sensation until every ounce of stress and exhaustion left his face. you couldn’t help but bite your lip in pride and satisfaction — knowing that you will never see a more beautiful sight like frank castle using your body to get off.

you fucking loved selfish men.

----

DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN NOW EVERYONE GO WATCH THIS SCENE -L xox

[ineffable-suffering]

Why Aziraphale is an unreliable narrator

Part 1: The Story of Job

I'm absolutely not the first one to talk about this on here and I probably shan't be the last either. Alas, here's my take on why all of the minisodes in Season 2 should be enjoyed with great care – and taken with a grain of angelic salt.

I'm gonna split this into 3 parts, aka the three minisodes we are shown, since I tend to get a bit waffley in my posts and want to still be able to include all the little details. Once I've written them, I'll link Part 2 & Part 3 here as well!

Alright, let's get into it under the cut of doom.

Episode 2 opens with the Story of Job. Right off the bat, I noticed that it sort of looks like an old film playing. At first I didn't read that much into it, but once we see the cut-away to Aziraphale at the bookshop, currently reading that part of the Bible (presumably), I immediately thought: "Oh! It's because it's his memory. He's remembering how it went down and therefore it plays like a figurative film in his head."

This, I then came to realize, is a very crucial difference to all the flashbacks of S1, which were exclusively told and narrated by God. May her intensions be as ineffable as they are: She did tell us all of these stories from an objective outsider's point of view. Now, however, it's Aziraphale who's re-telling those stories to us from memory.

And if there's one thing that's for certain, it's that a memory is something entirely different to an objective narration of a story. Just think about how you yourself remember things. Especially things that happened years, maybe even decades (or, in an angel's case, millenia) ago. What is it, that you really remember? Can you know for sure, that a conversation was held with those exact words? Are you 100% certain that the clothes someone wore weren't different? Had it really been snowing or would that make very little sense given what you're remembering happened in May? And did it even happen in May? Or does that just happen to be your favourite month, the current weather, your preferred style of clothing and what it was that you would imagine someone would have said to you?

What I'm trying to say is: The further away it is that something happened, the more your brain has to fill in the gaps. This is why, for example, your parents will remember the family summer holiday entirely different when you ask them about it 20 years later.

"No, it was Sarah who puked on the car ride home!" "Nonsense, Sarah never puked as a child. Bobby had that gone-off pizza, he's the one that was sick the whole ride long!"

We've all been there. Bobby made it out alive. Don't buy gas station pizza.

Alright, back to the plot: Naturally, Aziraphale is not actually human, so it is a pure assumption on my part that the way his memory works is similar to ours. However, the whole topic of "memory" is actually quite a recurring one on Good Omens.

Crowley seems to have lost his in the Fall, yet somehow managed to get most of it back. Not all of it, though, he clearly has some major gaps ("You used to jump on me back, little monkey in the waistcoat!"). Beelzebub helps Gabriel store all his memories in their little fly container before they get wiped entirely too, by the Metatron and/or Saraqael. Crowley and Aziraphale (and possibly Jimbriel) perform a miracle together that makes everyone in Heaven and Hell forget who Garbiel is or what he looks like. And we know that the Book of Life apparently has the ability to completely erase someone from existence – ergo also erasing them from everyone's memory and making it is as though the person had never been in them at all.

So, clearly, angels and demons being able to remember, forget, reconstruct and, if you're the Metadork, wipe memories, is very much canon. Apart from that very last one, it does make them quite human-like in a way. We too can forget or (wrongfully and incompletely) reconstruct memories, due to things like trauma, illness or simply a lot of time having passed.

So, just like Crowley remembers going into battle but doesn't remember Furfur being there, or just like Jimbriel has entierly forgotten who he is but still remembers the tune and lyrics to Buddy Holly's song Everyday, and just like archangel Michael was miraculously made to forget Gabriel and yet says "Don't I know you?" when seeing him again – just like that, Aziraphale's memories of the story of Job, the story of wee Morag and the story of the magic show in 1941, might not actually be the whole truth.

So, time to look at where the furniture isn't.

Now, it could very well be that the costume designers of S2 thought: "Fuck it, let's go crazy" – but given that this show has a track record of meticulously making sure to stick to accurate and cohesive character design, doesn't it strike you as odd that Crowley would go from this look at the Flood in Mesopotamia, 3004 BC:

... to the (very iconic, don't get me wrong) Bildad the Shuhuite drip in 2500 BC:

... back to this at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ in 33 AD:

I mean ... I mean– come on, that seems like a bit of a far stretch, even for someone as enthusiastically experimental with fashion as Crowley.

And it's not just that: Where did the sunglasses come from, all of a sudden? And why do they look like some sort of obscure, ancient optometrist's device? It's a known historical fact that the Romans were the ones to have invented sunglasses, somewhere around 50-ish AD. Which actually matches perfectly with when Crowley and Aziraphale meet again in Rome 8 years after the crucifixion (51 AD).

So, where do the weird spectacles come from, over 2000 years too early? Maybe from Aziraphale's brain filling in some gaps? Hasn't Crowley always worn those ridiculous sunglasses? Was it Rome? Or Golgotha? Wessex? Oh, blimey, what does it matter!

And it's not just Crowley: Aziraphale's own clothes, as well as the other angels', seem to be very different from the rather plain linen we see him wear before and after the story of Job.

They're laced with golden embroidery along the neckline and sleeves. The remind almost of the clothes angels are depicted wearing in biblical and historical drawings. Ornate and decadent. Not at all like we see Aziraphale in the other flashbacks of S1.

Even Bildad the Shuhite's hair within the minisode keeps changing, going from all pouffy and voluminous to rather deflated and straight-looking:

The costume department either had to fix up two seperate wigs or manually straighten out the volume of the one again to give it a more sleek look. I'm not a professional in this field, but if there's anything I've learned from watching hours of behind-the-scenes material of movies and shows, it's that very little about costume, character, prop and set design is purely coincidental.

You know what it could be, though? An accurate representation of how memories aren't linear, historically correct and objective representations of a certain event, but rather an ever-changing, jumbled mess of impressions, emotions and exaggerations.

More specifically: Aziraphale's impression, emotions and exaggerations.

Like "remembering" Crowley with sunglasses because he's been wearing them for so long.

Like "remembering" himself wearing more luxurious, angelic clothes because that's how he thinks of the difference between Heaven and Hell.

Like "remembering" the permit as a ridiculously long scroll that folded out over an entire valley.

Like "remembering" Job's children to be weirdly sassy in an almost Aziraphale-esque way (Enon: "Don't be silly!") for the fact that Job would have probably taught them to be more humble and obedient in the presence of a literal angel.

Like "remembering" eating an entire fucking Ox after having just one bite of it while Crowley watched him lustfully, sipping on his wine.

Like "remembering" Crowley calling him 'angel', despite them having barely known each other back then.

There's a reason why the flashbacks in S2 seem so much more alive, quirky and, at many points, confusing and all over the place. Because they're not objective stories being told by a third party. They're Aziraphale's. So much of his own thoughts and feelings at the time get projected onto them because that's simply how memory works!

It's subjective. It's unrealiable.

It's not that I'm calling Aziraphale a liar. He's no more a liar than your parents are, mixing up Sarah and Bobby. Or you, remembering snow instead of sunshine. Memories aren't lies. They can simply be faulty, focus on things that you thought were more important and leaving out or changing things that weren't, to you.

The real challenge in all of this, is trying to filter through Aziraphale's stories to see what it actually is they're telling us. Where it is that the furniture isn't. And I think in this case, that's 6 main things (eff you, God, I know you like sevens, but I don't care):

God and Satan (still) talk to each other We see that Aziraphale is quite surprised when Muriel mentions that the whole Job thing is God's bet with Satan. But clearly, despite having made him and the rest fall, God still converses with Her number one traitor about whether or not the humans simply love Her because she gives them nice things or because they truly believe in Her.

God and Satan (and Heaven and Hell) can and do collaborate with each other when they feel like it So much for choosing sides, huh? Truthfully, this is not the first time this is shown to us, but still. It's another piece of evidence on the growing pile.

Aziraphale understands the World and humans way better than any of the other angels "Well, you see ... Citis is 58 ..."

Aziraphale, despite having troubles voicing it, absolutely disagrees and even condemns God's plan of destroying Job's children (and goats and camels and––)

Aziraphale is willing to lie and thwart the will of God Also not the first time we're being shown this but again, piiiile of evidence.

Angels don't automatically Fall simply by doing the above To me, this is one of the most important take aways. It's already hinted in S1 as well that 'Falling' seems to have been a one time even back when the first war broke out in Heaven. And I actually believe that ever since then, no other angels have Fallen again. Aziraphale is the best example for this. He has gone against God's plan numerous times and even lied to her very face (voice?) about it. And yet, nothing ever happened to him. Why exactly that is the case remains a topic for another meta (that I might or might not be working on already, teehee).

Alright, that concludes this first look at the Job minisode! If there's anything I missed, feel free to share it with me. I'll try and add Part 2 (the story of wee Morag) and Part 3 (the magic show of 1941) soon.

Update: Part 2 and Part 3 have officially been written, you can find it them right here:

Part 2: The Story of wee Morag

Part 3: The Story of the Magic Show in 1941

Hugs and kisses, (God)!

[saturns7moon]

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS P2 ٩(˘◡˘)۶

hihi everybodyyyyy, astro observations p2, let’s gooo 😋.

personally!!! i’ve seen that a lot of venusian influence within a family can show instances of having health issues linked back to sweet foods. like for example, my taurus mother is a pre-diabetic, and she’s told me that it generally runs throughout our family. i don’t have diabetes but i’ve noticed how me and my siblings have a really bad sweet tooth. eating too many sweets makes my (7H taurus moon and mars, sidereal libra sun and rising) tooth ache, the youngest (taurus rising, sidereal pisces stellium) has been scolded a lot for eating way too much sugar as well. same as i, lol.

now question for my fellow taurus placements. how do u feel about cooking? are you good at it?

i’m crying, right after i wrote this, i was scrolling on tiktok and there’s this video of this woman, meg deangelis, who says that one thing that she can never understand is when people say they can’t cook, and she’s basically saying how it baffles her. i had an inkling, so i searched up her chart and she’s a taurus sun and aries venus 😭. taurus people are commonly stereotyped to liking food a lot, which makes sense since taurus is the more down-to-earth side of venus, and venus is about comforts, and taureans find comfort in food! aries is ruled by mars, aka planet of war and what-not, and i’ve found that aries placements mixed alongside taurus placements love to cook in the kitchen because the kitchen is known to hold sharp cutlery in there, which commonly used whilst cooking.

i was listening to criminal by britney spears earlier today, and i swear that song is so so 7H mars coded. like falling for someone that isn’t the best of the best or people being against who you love like. i still can’t word it properly, but if you’re a libra rising/taurus rising/7H mars (scorpio/aries/venusian mars can count as well depending on aspects!!) please listen to the song (specifically whilst watching the music video🧍🏾‍♀️) or read the lyrics and tell me you understand what i’m talking bout 😭. like i know y’all would get it 😭���️

^ also “why try” by ariana grande feels the exact same to me toooo omg.

having an afflicted 3H, 7H and 11H is literally my villain origin story. like it’s either i have no friends, i get bullied/outcasted or i go through the WORST friendship breakups ever like oooooh whoever has it out for me did a good job bro 🤧🤥.

(i have a 3H capricorn chiron, 7H moon and mars, virgo rules my 11H, and my mercury (sagittarius) is afflicted, i was never gonna win bro 😭)

a mutual of mine on twitter said something that i completely agree with, and it’s basically saying how having any ill feelings towards someone like, for example what she talking about, beauty can really damage ur venus personally. like, people who are severely racist for example, do y’all see how they age or look so ugly because they were berating how other people look specifically. or people who hate on women are just naturally nasty to be around. they don’t have to be physically ugly (they usually are tho) but you can tell by how they treat women what rewards and punishments they receive in life.

does that make sense? let me know guys 😭.

i absolutely love when i have my venus return/when venus is in capricorn because i feel so so pretty which makes so much sense considering in sidereal astrology i’m a libra rising ruled by my sagittarius venus, like i love all things venus, and when venus is in capricorn/sidereal sagittarius, i feel so good. which makes a lot of sense on why i don’t really care for or feel irritated when mars returns to taurus (or sidereal aries) because aside from the fact that i never really related to being martian ruled, my natal mars is literally retrograde, so yeah mars returns are not my favourites at ALL 😭.

(actually i take it back it’s not that i feel irritated? i just don’t think anything significant happens to me during my mars returns. i probably need to go check personally in my own time, but yeah. i just backtracked since in both my tropical and sidereal chart, i’m martian and venusian either way 😭.)

what’s ur favourite planetary return?

“bedtime story” by frank ocean (unreleased!!) is the most scorpio venus ass song i’ve ever heard in my life…i love it so so much sigh. the poetic, angsty, yearning that a scorpio conjures up because who could honestly be better at being so deeply consumed by emotions than scorpio? (many many other signs but it’s not about them rn!!)

yknow a while back i did a part one for sos the album by sza as the signs, and i haven’t made a part two but would y’all like another part!? or would you like me to do this with other albums? let me know pls 🧍🏾‍♀️.

this is probably common knowledge amongst other astrologers, but i definitely believe that virgos, specifically the risings, are so mean to their selves is because their 12H is ruled by the sun, and whilst the 12H is the shadow side of ourselves that we choose to hide from, as much as they would like to hide, virgos have their shadow side constantly in their face as the sun shines so hard on everything they aren’t ready to touch or aren’t ready to see. whether it’s their selves personally or others around them, there’s an underlying sense of dread that they live with because they know that no matter where they run, their mind will always remind them of what they choose to hide underneath, which results in the fear that people/society (scorpio 3H) will see the absolute worst of who they truly believe they are, and judge them ruthlessly for it (aquarius 6H).

one thing i’ve noticed is whilst saturn in pisces has been transiting my 5H, is the romantic side of my life has been lacking so much 😭. like coming april would make a year since i last had a crush on someone, which is funny to me since i used to crush on ppl so often. however, it makes sense since saturns main themes are about structure, discipline and what you want to create in the long-term, and i’ve noticed that i don’t just want to even have small crushes or what not on others because not everyone meets my standards (structure) and i want my first relationship with someone to mean something and to become something (long-term plans involving relationships) and nobody around me has given me that, so the lack in my love life is mainly just because i’m sticking to my standards and they haven’t been met yet 🤷🏾‍♀️. saturns job is to make you understand what you truly want and what you don’t want or what isn’t benefiting you, and since saturn had gone direct back in november, i’ve definitely been noticing this, especially since we’re in a saturnian season rn (aquarius) and valentine’s day just passed lmao. so just to give an example or help you understand how saturn has been impacting you, let’s say saturn is trainsiting your 9H and you’re in education, maybe you’re realising the course that you’re on isn’t for you, or your long-term plans just don’t mesh well with what your studying for yknow or you could realise how you’ve started building more around your education in regards to what you want in place for you in the future.i’m also using that example since saturn is currently trining my 9H and i’ve realised university is definitely not what i want to go through with after i graduate college tbh.

thinking about how majority of my planets are in my 1H-7H axis (1H sun and jupiter, 7H moon and mars) and how i genuinely can have the choice to create multiple identities 😭. to explain, when i was born, my mum gave me three names. mae, lola and the last one i don’t wanna disclose lmao, but i saw a tweet a while back talking about how your name(s) can definitely link back to your birth chart, and remembering this again makes me love astrology a whole lot more tbh.

(actually i lied i have 4 different names, but that name is very very close/similar to my younger sisters name as well and i can never tell the bloody difference 😭, but y’all get my yapping.)

feeling tired or like u can’t be bothered to do shit???? the moon is most likely void of course or your mars/moon is negatively aspecting (square, opposite, conjunct) transit mars/moon. when the moon is void of course, it’s basically just a period of time (usually less than a day i believe) when the moon is literally like not aspecting anything in the sky, so she’s wandering around until she transitions into another sign. usually astrologers say that during this time, it’s difficult for ppl to make plans or have any motivation to do anything as ppl are less likely to make solid decisions about anything in general, to summarise, it makes ppl lazy 🤥!!

having 1H synastry with anyone depending on the planet is so interesting to watch from an outside perspective, because you can either see two people adore one another’s energy or be completely revolted by one another. like for example my best friend has my younger sisters aquarius stellium in her 1H and it’s hilarious to me how much those two dislike each other, and then not too long ago my best friend told me how my sister reminded her a lot of herself at my siblings current age and it just clicked for me lmao.

i’ve noticed that people with a mix of aries, gemini with a small dash of water in their chart have such a hard time processing their emotions or are just very abrasive when it comes to their emotions, putting practicality over emotions most of the time, leaving people to perceive them as quite emotionally stunted or selfish to be honest. i’ve noticed that it’s commonly believed that these types of people don’t really care for others as much as people care for them, leaving a lot of miscommunication within these relationships, especially if the other person is water heavy compared to them.

hi yes this is long overdue, i’m very very sorry, i just lost motivation to continue with my stuff and life unfortunately has been a mess to keep up with! i’m not gonna promise anything new cus knowing me i’ll probably dip for awhile again, but hopefully you all liked these observations and pls leave ur thoughts and opinions in the replies, i always enjoy hearing what you guys have to say :)

okay bye bye, lots of love, lola <3.

[ask-the-rag-dolly]

okay . while i was writing the essay , i was going on a big spiel about how fandoms often reduce characters to familiar archetypes . then when i finished writing i realized i actually don't know what the Fuck i was yapping about because it all doesn't really apply to the tadc fandom post-ep 2 ? like Cool !! ragatha's an absolute loser of a woman , i think everyone has known that at this point .

basically ragatha's not the Best model for when i want to talk about nice characters being mischaracterized in fandom because i stopped seeing people making her put-together anyway . i can think of other characters that'll fit the thesis better .

i'm only deciding to post what i had down because i think i did say some stuff of note and because people were interested for . some reason ! . just keep in mind that it kind of became a nothingburger .

i'm in the middle of rewriting it to be less about the fandom though and my god it's already around 1118 words what am i doing with my life

also apologies in advance for the walls of text

——— this is not an essay to get you to like ragatha if you’re feeling meh towards her , or even dislike her . opinions are opinions , you have characters that appeal to you and i have mine ! this is just a ramblefest on why i love her , how people characterized her , and commentary on fandom culture as a whole

this is also not meant to bash any headcanons ! like good for you if you see her as the mother figure in the circus found family . the term ‘ mom friend ‘ here is used to describe how people often reduced her and similar characters down to a caretaker role for other characters while ignoring the Depth they have

as i think is clear in this blog by now , my favorite character in a piece of fiction has always been a mentally ill woman . the more complicated the brain , the better . i don’t have a type , but i know more often than not i would gravitate towards characters that are either misunderstood or disliked by most of the fandom

can you guess which category ragatha falls under —

don’t get me wrong , i am NOT generalizing tadc fans here ! the idea of her being a well-put together person lessened around episode 2 which is GREAT because i got to read very cool fics — and i’m not saying you have to know every part of ragatha’s thought processes to talk about her ( though at this point i think i’ve heard enough takes that makes me want to say that — )

‘ nice characters ‘ ( especially female ones ! ) in fandom never have the most pleasant development in my experience . either they will be pushed aside because they’re seen as boring compared to the more brasher characters or they’ll be disliked for the few times they did something seen as ‘ not so nice ‘ . and in the few times where they Are being paid attention , they’ll be put in an arbitrary box that waters down their traits .

in other words , fandoms put characters in boxes . terms like ‘ mom friend ‘ and ‘ cinnamon roll ‘ are those boxes . they're common tropes in media that fandoms typically like . it’s why people were so disappointed to find out that jax is actually an unlikable asshole instead of a ' jerk with a heart of gold ' — these boxes make the characters easy to consume and understand .

as you can tell , i don’t agree with putting characters in boxes ! first of all , how are they supposed to breathe in there ?

secondly , it’s just restricting yourself from genuinely engaging with a piece of media , especially for a character-driven story like tadc . i would be More forgiving of this problem if tadc was a plot-heavy show where the lore’s the main focus , but The Characters Are The Focus , Johnathan . trying to understand the characters personally to extract any potential moral lessons from them Is The Point of those types of stories

thirdly , i call those boxes arbitrary for a reason ; they often don't describe the characters at all , and in some cases , even goes against their characterization . my biggest problem with mom friend ragatha is that it Takes away the things that makes her interesting as a character .

do you know what's so compelling about ragatha ? it's that , believe it or not , she is Not the most reliable . one of the most fascinating things with ragatha in episode two is how it shows her approaching emotions Vs. Pomni approaching emotions .

even though it's unintentional , ragatha can be seen as Dismissive and Overbearing . the way she tried to reassure pomni of not feeling hurt by being left behind can seem Passive-Aggressive . her conversation with kinger shows that she Assumes what the other person thinks without hearing them out . this contrasts against pomni who lets gummigoo speak out his feelings and actually had viable things to say than ' don't worry about it haha '

this contrast is interesting to note because it shows the world of difference between ragatha and pomni's emotional maturity .

you can tell that ragatha can be simple-minded . not in a ' she's a dumbass ' way , but in that she's Reluctant to approach uncomfortable emotions without beaming it with a ray of positivity . like you can tell she thinks that Repressing her emotions to the point she can't feel them is the same as ' processing ' them . all of these are stuff that don't fit the Mature Mom Friend archetype .

and that's Fine !! because she was never meant to be in the role anyway !! there's a common theme of Community and Support in tadc , and that Everyone Has Each Other . ragatha was never meant to be the Glue holding everyone together , she's meant to be a part of the Unit that is the circus .

there's also a conversation to be had about how older female characters — or at least characters that are seen as having stereotypically ' feminine ' traits of being kind and caring — are often being pushed to a reductive , supportive familial role that reinforces gender roles , but you didn't hear it from me !

anyways uh in conclusion ragatha's awesomesauce ok i'm going back to drawing

[i-thirsty-boi]

Platonic Yandere Metkayina Family X Human Child Reader Part 3

~Hey! I know this took me a while to do, but now that a new semester is started I actually have motivation to write consistently. So, I should be posting a bit more frequently now! Anyway, on a side note, I'm not sure if it was obvious, but Ronal isn't pregnant in this story. Mostly because I think it would be too challenging to write an infant into this storyline.

Masterlist

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3

CW: yandere behavior (platonic), protective behavior, near drowning, fall risk

~

-It had taken you about two more days to feel almost completely better. But your family was still babying you… a lot. 

-And you were getting VERY frustrated with it. 

-Sure, you liked all of the attention. However, you wanted to move around on your own now that you were feeling better, not be in a wrap!

It was just after breakfast, and your mom was trying to put you in the wrap to take you with her. And you were not having it. You were groaning and sinking to the floor to delay going into the wrap. 

Ronal was kneeling on the ground in front of you, trying to get you into the wrap so she could take you with her, and was bewildered by how you were acting. She had never seen you act like this, granted she hadn’t known you very long either. But that wasn’t the point! The point was she didn’t know why you were so upset about the wrap, when you’ve never complained about it before. 

-She tried one more time to pick you up and put you in the wrap. And you just dropped straight onto the floor and started crying. Loudly. 

-Ronal just frowned and sat down fully in front of you, picking you up into her arms and rubbing your back to try to calm you down. 

-You had thrown your head back already by the time she asked you what was wrong. 

-You just gasped before spitting out that you didn’t wanna be in the wrap anymore since you felt better. 

-As soon as Ronal heard this, the meltdown made sense. She untied the wrap from herself before fully picking you up to take you with her. Luckily, you were calming down by then and wrapped your arms around her neck. 

-She turned to look at the rest of her family, who she had forgotten were there to witness that, and gave them a reassuring look before making her way to her healing tent. In the end, she wasn’t surprised that a small child would want to move around a lot more after recovering from an illness. 

As she was walking, she looked down at you to see you fast asleep, and she just kissed your head while continuing on her way. She also felt your feet swinging against her sides, making her smile, but only a little bit. 

It didn’t take her long to make it there, and set you down on what might as well be your personal cushion at that point. And she set down her human medicine bag and got out the thermometer, putting it in your mouth without disturbing you. And when she took it out, she was pleased and relieved to see it say 98, the correct temperature for you. She smiled and calmly sat by you and mixed together more balms and salves. 

At one point a new mother of the clan came in to talk, and asked to set her baby on the cushion next to you, which Ronal allowed. And it was adorable to see an infant that was about half your size next to you. The woman commented on you not looking so bad anymore, and that she had heard you were sick and was glad you looked like you felt better. 

-Ronal smiled and said that you definitely felt better, if the fit you threw to escape the wrap this morning had anything to say about it. She laughed with the other woman, who said her baby had done the same thing this morning as well. 

-Although it wasn’t long until the infant woke up and started crying, waking you up as well. You were confused, but quickly woke up, and picked them up with you as you sat up. You rocked the both of you until the baby had calmed down. 

-You looked to the side once they stopped crying to see your mother and another woman looking at you and the baby. They each had a very soft look on their face, which you figured was because of you calming down the baby. 

-You looked back down at the baby again to see them staring up at you, then they reached up and put their hand on your face. You smiled at them before their mother took them from you and into her arms. Your mother doing the same with you. 

-You looked up at her to see her smiling down at you, and you smiled back. Then, she got a weird, far off, look on her face. You just scrunched your nose at her and looked over as the mother and her baby were leaving. 

-She was only loosely cradling you in her lap, so you rolled onto the ground in front of your mother and made your way over to grab your craft basket. Then you went and sat on your favorite cushion, which was next to where your mother did her healing duties daily. 

Ronal had finally seemed to come out of her daze as you started weaving some shells into an anklet for yourself. She made her way over to her station and gathered the things she needed to make more of most of her healing pastes and salves, then sat down right next to your cushion. And the both of you worked on your separate activities for the better part of two hours. 

By the time she looked at what you were doing, you were finishing up a second anklet for yourself. And once you truly finished it, you looked over at Ronal and asked her if she could put both of them on you. She, of course, said yes. Then gently grabbed your legs and tied each anklet securely, but not too tight, around each of your ankles. Once she was done, you got up and walked around in the hut, smiling at the shells clinking together as you walked. 

-Ronal was watching you enjoy yourself with a small smile on her face, happy that you can create accessories that you enjoy. 

-Though her thoughts were interrupted by Neytiri walking through the entrance of the hut. Ready to get more lessons of the metkayina way of life from Ronal. 

-Neytiri had seen you, now, skipping around the hut. In your own little world. And she just lightly scowled at you. She knew you were a sweet little kid, but her opinion of humans in general dampened her reactions to you. 

-She just quietly made her way over to Ronal and sat down to help her finish making the pastes and salves. Keeping a distrustful eye on you the entire time. 

-The novelty eventually wore off for you and you went back over to your mother and plopped down in her lap. Looking over at the darker woman with curious eyes. Though you quickly looked away from the, almost, nasty look she gave you. 

-You just settled against your mother and looked around the hut, and before you knew it, you were being carried out of the hut and slightly into the water before being set down. 

-You knew she was going to be teaching the forest woman their way of life, and that included the breathing techniques they had already taught you. 

You were gently set into the water next to your mother and started slowly swimming around the two women. Both women keeping watch over you. Your mother to make sure you were safe, and Neytiri because she didn’t trust you. And you were ignoring it to actually swim around like you wanted to. 

Ronal had been teaching the breathing technique to Neytiri for a couple days at that point, and she had done well and just needed to push herself to stay under for longer. So, as soon as you dove under the surface of the water, Ronal had done the same with Neytiri. 

She had been guiding her through the reefs under the water while also making sure she could still see you. They had been swimming and communicating in simple sign for about five minutes before she saw you swimming towards the surface to get some air. She made sure you made it there without issue and started diving back down again before she moved her attention back to the forest woman. Though instead of you going off on your own among the reef, you swam to her and wrapped your arms around her neck. She just turned and kissed your cheek before continuing to guide Neytiri around the reefs. 

She just continued swimming while gently dragging you with her while trying to teach Neytiri. Though as soon as they had made it to a spot with a large amount of glowing coral, your favorite area to swim around in, you had let go of her and swam to gently touch the coral. Which glowed brighter at your touch, which is why it was your favorite. 

-You had been entertaining yourself with the coral while your mother and the woman from the forest continued swimming around you. 

-Though when you turned your back towards the coral to sign to your mother that you were going to swim to the surface, Neytiri was right in front of you swimming to the surface as well and accidentally pushed you into the coral behind you by your chest. 

-You had the breath knocked out of you, and that made you inhale some water. Your chest hurt and you started panicking. 

-You looked around for your mother and desperately gestured her to bring you to the surface. She noticed your panic right away and quickly grabbed you and rushed to the surface. Though you were just focusing on not giving in to the urge to cough. 

-As soon as your head was above the water you began violently coughing up water. You had your head hanging over your mother’s shoulder as you coughed, your chest rattling from the force of them. 

-You were clinging to your mother’s shoulders, and she was gently patting your back to help you get all the water out of your lungs. It had taken you about seven full minutes of coughing and gasping for breath before you winded down and slumped against your mom. 

-You two had bolted to the surface, and a couple minutes into your coughing fit, Neytiri had surfaced. And her attention was immediately captured by your distress. Her ears perked and her pupils dilated. She may not like humans, but she was concerned for you. Especially as a mother herself. 

-Though as soon as you completely stopped coughing, Ronal turned to Neytiri and let loose some scathing words for her about accidentally shoving you under the water. Though she did notice the darker woman’s ears droop down while being scolded. 

-Once she was done talking and had calmed down, Neytiri came a bit closer to apologize and check if you were okay. You just glanced at her and nodded before drifting off to sleep in your mother’s arms. 

-And after that, their session of lessons ended for that day. Both of the women made their way to the shore and went their separate ways for the day. 

-Neytiri was sulking while making her way back to their marui, and Ronal was power walking to her own marui. 

Once she got to her marui, she walked in and briefly set you in their sleeping space before tying the wrap on her and put you in it on her front, facing her. She began rubbing your back while walking around her home and gathering things to make a snack for you to eat once you woke up. Though as she was finishing putting the snack together for you, her older child Tsireya had walked into the marui. 

She seemed to be confused about what her mother was doing in their marui at this time of day, and came closer to see her making some food with you actually in the wrap. She came up to her mother and put her hand on your back, concerned because of some rumbling happening in your chest as you breathed. She looked up at her mother’s face and got a look that said she’d get an explanation later. 

Though it didn’t take you very long to wake up again, and immediately start coughing again. You didn’t even register the two women in your family fussing over you while you were in your small coughing fit. You were more focused on the small dribbles of water coming out of your mouth after being forced from your lungs. You stopped after only about two minutes, and pushed your cheek against the side of your mothers arm, verging on her shoulder. So, that must mean you were put in the wrap while you slept. You could only stare at the water, combined with spit, running down your mother’s arm. You then mumbled a ‘sorry’ as you laid against your mom's body. 

-Ronal just shook her head and started rubbing your back again. Before taking the snack and walking over to sit down and start feeding you the food. 

-She looked down at the water dripping down her arm, concerned about how much water is still in your lungs considering how much you coughed up so far. 

-Meanwhile, Tsireya only had an idea of what had happened to you, but was very concerned nonetheless. Still lightly patting your back. 

Both of them had sat down on the floor and took turns feeding you small bites of the cut up fruit Ronal got for you. You chewed them slowly, until they were all gone. And by the end you felt a lot better. You had started squirming a bit to get taken out of the wrap, which you were glad your mother didn’t hesitate to do that time. Though you still chose to sit in her lap and continue cuddling up to her.

Meanwhile Neytiri had made it to her family’s marui and had curled up on the ground and started sulkingly weaving a new top for her oldest daughter. And while she was doing that her mate had come in and sat down next to her after noticing her sullen mood. He waited a few moments waiting for her to talk, but sighed and asked what was wrong. Neytiri just heavily sighed and buried her head in her knees before saying that she had accidentally hurt the little human child earlier that day. Jake’s ears folded down a little bit and he asked how she had done that. So, she told him about the diving she had done that day, and how she had accidentally shoved the child into a wall of coral under the water. And how hard you had been coughing up water, and how Ronal had chewed her out for it. 

Jake just winced as he saw his wife’s tail curl even more into her body and her ears curl down harshly. He just put a hand on her shoulder and assures her that as long as it was an accident and she apologizes to you, she shouldn’t worry too much about this situation. 

She glances up at Jake while still resting her face on her knees to see if he was joking or not, and found the look in his eyes to be sincere. She sighed again and leaned against his chest as she said she would apologize again before dinner that evening. Jake smiled and kissed her head before saying that that was a great idea and would probably mean a lot to you.

-Meanwhile, you were getting coddled for the rest of the day, especially after your mom told your sister what had happened during the dive that day. 

-And then they roped your dad and brother into it too. 

-So now you were being babied like you were sick again. And it annoyed you so much. 

-During the lunch your family had, you were sat on your brother’s lap and your sister insisted on feeding you your food. You had huffed and tried to grab your plate from her but quickly gave up. 

-And after that your dad had picked you up and carried you with him while he went to teach Jake Sully. Who you waved at once you saw him. And he waved right back at you. 

-You guys would just be wading in the shallow waters while Jake was learning more of the sign language from your dad. You weren’t really paying attention as you swam around both of their legs, deciding to cling to one of Jake’s legs after circling him a couple times. 

-He just chuckled and lifted you above his head from under your armpits, and briefly threw you in the air above him, easily catching you as well. 

-You gasped when he threw you, but quickly broke down in giggles when he caught you. You had never had someone do that to you, but you loved it. You immediately asked him to do it again, and maybe higher. 

-He just kept smiling and prepared to throw you into the air again. But prepared to throw you higher by lowering you to his chest level in front of him before launching you up in the air. You laughed the whole way up, which was pretty high because of how light you were to him, and starfished out in the air while you were falling. Easily being caught again. 

-But this time he brought you to his chest to hold you properly. He leaned closer to you and brought a hand up to whisper that Neytiri felt bad and was gonna apologize to you again later in the day. And you just smiled at him and copied his hand motion to whisper back that you already forgave her, because it was obviously an accident. 

-He smiled at you again before noticing the mildly panicked and angry look on Tonowari’s face. He turned you around to face him and motioned like he was going to throw you. 

-Tonowari rapidly got the hint and put his arms out in front of him to catch you. And this time Jake threw you in a big arc to your dad. You were laughing and clinging to his arms when he caught you. And he just had a relieved smile while turning to Jake and asking how he knew you would like that. 

-Jake laughed and said most human children loved it. And that all of his children had loved it when they were small enough for it. 

-Tonowari was curious and looked down at you sitting in the crook of one of his arms, and you were still smiling. But once you noticed that he was looking at you, you excitedly asked if he could throw you just as high. Maybe even higher. 

-He nervously smiled before saying that he probably could, and gently brought you in front of him. Though he looked over at Jake and motioned him over to his side with his head. And he wanted to ask him how to do what he did. 

-Jake said he could do some tiny tosses to get used to the motions before doing bigger throws. He then looked at you and said, “You wouldn’t mind that, right Y/N?” To which you vigorously nodded. 

Tonowari sighed before lifting you up above his head and lightly tossing you up in the air a couple times to get the hang of it. He got more confident each time because of your delighted giggles. You caught your breath as he lowered you to be in front of him so he could throw you higher. And he did that a couple times as well, you being launched at least 10 feet up each time. 

And it wasn’t long before he was very comfortable with the activity and prepared to throw you up as high as he felt comfortable with. You were being dangled at his thigh level before being absolutely launched into the air. You probably went almost 60 feet up since your dad put a lot of strength into it. You just heavily breathed with a huge smile and wide eyes while stalling in the air at the peak height. 

Unfortunately, this is when your mother showed up at the shore beside the men. And she let out a panicked shriek when she saw you up so high in the air. Though she was left to stand there watching in horror as you started plummeting, in her point of view, towards the two men just standing there. She started rushing to be in range to catch you as she heard you laughing while falling, though she didn’t register it. She was a step away when you landed safely in her mate’s arms, though she collided with his side as you devolved into hysterical giggles. She also ended up knocking the four of you over into the water, though she had snatched you out of your dad’s arms and held you up above the water so you couldn’t accidentally inhale it again. 

As soon as she sat up in the water she was checking you over for any injuries. Though you just continued laughing and hugged her neck as you told her about your new favorite activity. She barely noticed the two men sputtering as they also sat up in the water and looked over at the woman who was clutching you for dear life. 

-She turned to the two of them and asked them why they had thought that was a good idea. 

-Tonowari quickly defended himself by saying he wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t think he could catch you. And he pointed out that you loved it. Though he said that if he threw you that high in the future, and he will, that he would do it in an area with deep water that would break your fall and prevent you from getting hurt. 

-She just blew air out of her nose before turning a sharp look to Jake. 

-He put his hands up in front of him and said that he knew most human children loved that, and that his children had loved that as well. Plus, he taught Tonowari how to do it properly to make sure you were safe. 

-She ended up shaking her head before saying that if you ever got hurt from them doing that, she would beat them. 

-Both men winced and said they would with drooped ears and tucked tails. She was very intimidating, even with you perched at her ribcage. 

-And with that, she said that it was time to prepare dinner, so they needed to come out of the water anyway. She had originally come to get them. 

-They just watched her walk away with you before making eye contact and wincing again. And they just started silently walking to the shore. 

-Though Ronal didn’t have a chance to calm down before Neytiri came up to her and asked to speak with you. She was about to hiss at the woman before you said okay and wiggled to be let down. Ronal just scowled before gently setting you down. 

-You walked to be in front of the woman, and she kneeled down to be somewhat close to your height. 

-She then briefly looked at Ronal before looking you in your eyes and very sincerely apologizing to you. Saying how it was an accident and she would never, ever want to hurt you. Plus, she was sorry for being distrustful of you, she was just wary of all humans at first. 

-You blinked up at her before slowly hugging her around her neck. You then told her that you forgive her and that it was fine that she didn’t trust you at first, because you knew most humans on this planet were terrible. 

-She was shocked that you hugged her, but she slowly wrapped her arms around you as well. And said thank you once you were done speaking. 

-She gave you a last squeeze when she saw the impatient look the other woman was giving her. And watched you skip back over to Ronal and make grabby hands to be picked up. 

-This time she parted ways with you two with a small smile. Making her way to her own children. 

-You were resting your head on your mom’s shoulder while she was making her way to where her older children were waiting for her and her husband. 

-Though she had to tell them that he would be a bit behind them as they were doing something reckless with you. 

-Both of them were concerned hearing that and asked what their dad was doing with you that was so dangerous. 

-Ronal just sighed and set you down before walking closer to her older children and telling them what she had seen. You, very high up in the air after being thrown by Tonowari. Ao’nung and Tsireya just gasped and made eye contact with each other. 

-Though their attention was grabbed by their dad joining them, and you running up to him and asking to be tossed. 

Tonowari saw the looks the rest of his family was giving him, but chose to ignore them. He lifted you up and held you up above him and tossed you a little bit up in the air a couple times in a row, almost bouncing you in the air. And you were just giggling before asking him to toss you higher. And he smiled before lowering you a little bit to give you some more air time, securely catching you each time. Though he set you down once he caught the sharp look his wife was giving him. 

Though his other children were looking at the activity almost in wonder. They would never say it out loud, but it looked fun. They were almost jealous, but seeing you having fun was enough for them. Their attention was, once again, captured by the Sully family coming up and joining them. The other kids sat down around you and your siblings, who also just noticed that you sat down in front of them. And the adults went to help finish the dinner and bring it back to their children. 

Though you took the opportunity to go up to Neteyam and reach up and ask if he can toss you. Neteyam just looked down at you before making eye contact with your siblings. They just shrugged, but you got frustrated and started slapping at his legs. He smiled and rolled his eyes before putting his hands under your arms and lightly throwing you as he stood up. You laughed as he easily caught you. But you grabbed his arms to ask how he knew how to do it right. 

-Neteyam blinked down at you, before saying that his dad taught him when Tuk was born because he was trusted. 

-Though your brother got pretty jealous and went over to tell him to teach him how to throw you. 

-You got snatched into the arms of your brother and held out in front of him while he demanded Neteyam teach him how to do the throwing you thing properly. 

-Though Ao’nung scowled when he was only told to throw you straight up, not in any other direction, and to practice the motion of catching you. 

-So, he held you up how he had seen the other boy and his dad doing, and lightly tossed you into the air. Though he was thankful that you made it so easy to catch you each time, along with your joyful laughs. 

-And he made the mistake of getting distracted when he had started tossing you up higher. He had seen the other forest boy, Lo’ak, sit down next to his sister Tsireya and briefly turned his head to scowl at him. 

-Though in the time that his head was turned, you had started falling and were going down past his shoulders by the time he was paying attention again. Though as soon as he was catching you in a panic, you had almost hit the ground. And he had just managed to get a hold of you before your head hit the sand, and quickly brought you up to his chest to wait to see how you would react. 

-But he breathed a sigh of relief that you didn’t start crying. You were just wide eyed, clutching him, and catching your breath. Though he insisted that no one told the adults, and got nods from everyone in return. 

-And everyone breathed a sigh of relief once they were all situated somewhere and the adults came back with food for everyone. 

-And you stayed on your brother’s lap as you were handed food, and were happily eating it on your own, with someone looking at you to check on you every once in a while. 

-Though as you all were going to sleep that night, snuggled together, none of you could think that things would change how they did soon after that.

(To be continued)

Tags: @eywas-heir , @ratchetprime211 , @konniebon , @thehoneymushroomhealer , @tulipatheticee , @msluccapotato ,

[sashi-ya]

𝑩𝒀𝑨𝑲𝑼𝒀𝑨'𝑺 𝑹𝑬𝑳𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺𝑯𝑰𝑷 𝑾𝑰𝑻𝑯 𝑺𝑬𝑿 & 𝑩𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑭 𝑺𝑻𝑶𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑺 𝚂𝚑𝚘𝚛𝚝 𝙰𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚢𝚜𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜. [part 1]

some ideas I have written regarding Byaku and how I actually think of him when I write when it comes to sex. This analysis doesn't cover his kinks, as I believe that should be a separate post! So, if you wanna read about those tell me and I'll post it 💖. There are also two short stories, one of them will be posted veeeery soon 🙊

tw: MDNI. not strictly a smut piece, but it is about sex. there is a brief story about his teenage experience, it is not meant to be a "smut" story either. Do not read it in such way. Thanks.

Not a virgin, but pretty close. Raised with the idea of upholding the law no matter what I believe Byakuya had to be a pretty structured man, therefore I think he married Hisana before touching her. Also, he is a very romantic man (yes, he is. Imagine going against your whole family and ideals for love. Marrying someone that comes from an absolute different world just for love) so I do believe he must have wanted to wait for their first night as a married couple to make love to Hisana. Of course, the first time with your loved one it’s always wonderful and sweet, but also realistically clumsy (Which I find adorable, imagine a clumsy Byakuya blushing). So, unfortunately because of Hisana’s illness, I believe they haven’t had a lot of sex. Therefore, Byakuya is pretty unexperienced to me -at first-.  

𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 .Oral sex; what is this pleasure given by the gods?. -this is not a Hisana slander- Following the same train of thoughts as the first point, to me, Byakuya never experienced oral sex on himself (I do believe he has done it, though. Being the protective man he is, he surely tried giving it before receiving it). So, the very first time your lips surrounds his hardness he could swear tears pool in his eyes… “This is… absolutely… delightful”. His delicate fingers brushing against your hair, still too timid and in pure awe to be pulling from it. Byakuya only wants to caress the person that has kneel in front of him to pleasure him. .At first, he won’t ask for sex, nor he will do anything to start it… until he can’t take it no more. Because he is unexperienced (that doesn’t mean he is not a good lover, for the love of god), he is hesitant to try. Even when his mind would get lost in the deepest forest of insecurity, he will try to repress the need as much as he can (he is always fighting an internal fight to repress his own desires, sex is no different). Normally you could say pissing him off or disobeying him would be the key to make him fall, but I believe he is much more moved by the need to posses such beautiful creature, in a state of weakness and submission towards him. Be clumsy, cough, tell him you are feeling cold, let him protect you… the touch of your delicate skin against his own will spread like a wildfire inside of his soul. .It will take some time, but making love will become a daily activity before bed. Byakuya learns new skills through tough work and dedication; it is not different when it comes to sex. Even if he still tends to repress his needs and desires as a constant, he slowly but surely let go that “savage” side of his inner workings. Exactly as Ukitake and Shunsui mentioned, Byakuya is a very impulsive man deep down. (Back when he was still a teenager he used to have quite a short fuse, he was a brat, and a very naughty kid…) So, once he become confident with his “skills” he will try to improve even more. So, get ready… as a sacred ritual, Byakuya will devour your body night after night.

𝐓𝐰𝐨 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐒𝐪𝐮𝐚𝐝 𝟎 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠 & 𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐲 and 𝐒𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐏𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞 & 𝐒𝐞𝐧𝐛𝐨𝐧𝐳𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐫𝐚

The Healing ponds of Squad 0… 「this will be posted as a separate story very soon」 Let me tell you a short brief while you wait; those healing waters and food from Squad 0 made him incredibly strong… but also absolutely, desperately horny. Truth is after everything had been said and done, Byakuya couldn’t help but feel the burning sensation of desire creeping through his stronger muscles… guess he was hungry for more than revenge and battle.

Self-pleasure , and the first time he met Senbonzakura. ⚠︎ Please, do not read this point like something sexual but more funny/analytic about his character. We are talking about a minor here ⚠︎

As said prior to this point, Senbonzakura, his zanpakuto spirit, is the manifestation of his inner world: a clumsy, heavily impulsive, bratty, and childish side of Byaku’s soul. So, when did he presented to this sweet Shinigami for the first time? When did Byakuya met the real spirit behind his shiny and beautiful sword? Yes, during one of those nights at the Kuchiki manor after a tough training session while being just a teenager. Way before he could met Hisana, Byakuya didn’t attend the Shinigami Academy, so he used to be a very lonely kid. That’s why our young Yoruichi used to visit him to train -and annoy him-. The young Kuchiki may seemed like he hated her, but truth is the “monster cat” represented fun, a challenge, companion and also a first approach to attraction. Knowing the nature of Yoruichi, we could say she never tried any perverse interaction to him, but there is not much you need to wake a teenager’s hormones anyway…

Yoruichi’s freedom and rebellious spirit in conjunction with her natural beauty, woke in our young Byakuya a bodily desire and the need to satisfy it. Then, drowned, almost choking by that divine dichotomy of what should be done and what shouldn’t, his hand did what any other kid would have done. It feel relieving, it tasted like guilty freedom to succumb to his real inner rebellious side…

“Master!” “Wha- WHAT?” “Master, should we pay a visit to the noble bath house? She is probably there…” “NO. WHY NOW? WHY DURING….” "I know, the image of those two pair of..." "NO STOP SHUT UP"

(let’s not mention how embarrassing it felt for the poor kid… yet Byakuya understood, so perfectly well, the true nature of Senbonzakura that same night)

[im-out-of-it]

season 1, episode 5 continued

27. “Swear to me you won’t take your eyes off of clary. I, I can’t believe I even asked you that. you won’t let me down.”- jace. I can’t believe you asked that either jace. all he does is take advantage of Alec. he expects Alec to drop everything and help him right away. so not only does Alec have to watch someone he cares for falls in love with another girl, he has to babysit that same girl who is already causing enough chaos with his life and family

27. this is something clary will never understand. she doesn’t care about the law because it’s in her way.

28. Alec knows if he messes up, he will be held accountable. Jocelyn didn’t teach that to clary. Alec wants to be a leader and he’s aware that rules exist for a reason

29. and then clary is like I know you’ve been trying to help but basically you can do more. bitch, she is asleep, she’s not hurt, and Valentine has an army. you can’t just walk in and pick up your mother and be out. I’m trying to be sympathetic but she’s a migraine

30. Alec is already in trouble because of clary and here she goes wanting to go to her old loft without getting clave permission. not only does she need to be kept safe but she wants to go out where so many people are already probably hunting her. fucking hell, this girl doesn’t have a brain

31. okay so Magnus is getting right to it 🔥

32. ruining a perfectly good date Alec and Magnus could have had but noooooooooo clary had to go run off AGAIN. so not only has alec broken so many rules for her but she has literally no respect for Alec. not only does jace like clary but Alec has to witness jace’s feelings day in and day out. Alec has to babysit her while he gets berated by his own mother and then jace. GIVE THIS MAN A BREAK

33. I’m sorry but how is it Alec’s fault that she ran off?????

34. “You know the difference between the circle and the clave? I don’t. They all look the same to me. Shadowhunters think they are better than us. They’re the ones killing each other over petty disagreements. They expect us to obey orders they don’t follow themselves.”-wolf leader (I can’t think of his name) but man has a point. shadowhunters in general do think they’re better. they had the uprising but shadowhunters still don’t talk about how their own “people” committed atrocities and look at downworlders as if they’re the problem. Valentine was jealous of downworlders having powers he didn’t. Shadowhunters started hunting downworlders first I believe. Jace gets punishment in season two because he didn’t swear allegiance to the clave but he killed a wolf and I didn’t see much punishment for that. the clave and shadowhunters can do whatever and it’s not a problem until a downworlder does the same

36. Alec: am I gay? yes I’m gay but not gay for him

37. it’s insane how clary runs off and jace’s first instinct is to blame Alec. because that’s his fault, how??????

38. Simon gets kidnapped again because of clary because she ran off yet again.

39. Alec watching Simon climbing and being quick and seeing runes and he’s like now wait a damn minute. “running fire escapes excites mundanes, ill never understand these people” 💀

40. and the fact is, alec is genuinely worried and mad. he knows his mom will rip him a new one when she finds out. he also knows jace will be angry because jace is obsessed with clary. he could’ve been training at the institute or having a drink with Magnus but he has to babysit and now chase a stupid 18 year old girl because she didn’t care enough to sit her childish ass down. literally Alec can never be happy with all of his responsibilities. he has to keep jace out of trouble and now clary and prove to his parents that he can handle it. it’s not that surprising that he doesn’t seem happy.

41. (he’s just so fucking beautiful) 🥰

I don’t really see many people actually talking about what Alec goes through in the first season. Maryse is always spewing hateful comments towards Alec because apparently he’s not good enough, jace states Alec isn’t doing a good enough job, like he doesn’t really have anyone in his corner. he spends the first season getting berated. so no wonder he’s not happy

part 3 coming to a stadium near ya ✨

[sethdomain]

want my shipping takes that ill still probably get hanged for??? here we go. theyre basically all "everyone chill out" ...it seems like most people are just submitting ships theyd get cancelled for, not takes on shipping. ill do that after in case i completely misread what you were asking for

if ccbeeduo didnt want to get shipped they shouldnt have made their characters get married and have a son and fall in love. natural byproduct, really shouldve expected it. i still think ppl should have chilled fr but like, they both had plenty of examples of what fans were like, they shouldve taken that into account before making those character decisions.

cdapduo discourse was absolutely batshit insane and everyone who posted with a banner saying either "slime is quackity's son and if you ship them you're weird DNI" OR "they keep flirting, if you call slime quackity's son you're weird DNI" pissed me off. how about no one's weird because actually its a roleplay with lots of different perspectives and you can do whatever you want forever . obvs i understood people who were like "i believe this thing, dont fucking yell at me for it" but it sucks that people had to make banners for that fr.

in the same vein, the discourse with emeraldduo. though that one i dont/didnt see as much, i did still see those same banners. even as a family sbi fan, i never saw someone shipping emduo and thought "yeah let me go yell at them and tell them not to interact with me because i personally think theyre family-coded." the devotion is ambiguous but powerful.

Heat Waves was the funniest fic ive ever read because idgaf about either of those guys so it was just like 20 chapters of some guy crying and jacking off and then getting rejected.

i think rarepairs are based as fuck and mischaracterizing guys to fit your ship is fine do whatever you want forever!!!!!!!! people complained to hell and back about fanfics tagging characters and ships and them being ooc . WHO GIVE A FUCK THEY WROTE THAT SHIT FOR FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!! ALSO MANGOBALL'S MONSTER/CHEATER CHEATER WAS A MASTERPIECE

karlnapity was not perfect polyamory i see people glossing over the fact that when they first talked about polyamory quackity started attacking and biting when karl and sapnap kissed and thats fucking FUNNY i want to see more of THAT.

sorry for writing so much i have a lot of opinions

JESUS ANON, honestly idgaf bro i take any spicy opinion as long as its not going straight to 'i love pedophilia/incest' territory that my only rule man

For beeduo, idk if u mean the cc ship or the c ship cause honest to god i was a huge inniter back then and dont follow their stuff closelt that much, but im just gonna assume u mean the rpf cc shipping. Honestly, I don't really agree with ur take, its a bit victim blamey, both ranboo and tubbo were like young and in their naivety expect their fans to uphold their boundary to just not ship them in a rpf way and i think you should've respected their wishes man. You sometimes gotta be reminded that dsmp was just them guys having fun and if they want to rp as a husband then whatev man :p

I agree bruh, i think people were just sscared of a little doomed faggot in action

phil and techno doesn't even act like father/son in the dsmp canon anyway, they act like old bestie

imma be fr idgaf abt heatwaves but that sound awesome

sometime the back of my mind say that, but the evil demon that wants everything to be perfect take over anon.. its hard... I need to get mad at people...

no cucking is allowed in karlnapity... #lame

[glasswinggames]

How well would the Ever After interests take care of you when you're sick?

I've been unwell this past week so may or may not have spent far too much time both wasting away but also figuring out who would be absolutely useless at taking care of me 😂😅

In order of best to worse:

Farren - My love, the one who can do no wrong, not only would you get cuddles from Orion to keep you warm, but she knows all the best witchy remedies, so she would be calm and know what to do and you'd be assured you were in the safest hands. Whilst the medicine is doing its magic, she and her family of skellies would be fussing over you and making you food and keeping you hydrated.

Noah - He panics when you fall ill, especially if his healing magic doesn't work for whatever reason, but he tries his best to keep a cool head. He would wait on you, hand and foot, cooking whatever you need and just being there for emotional support. When you'd sleep, he would run out to buy literally one of every medicine just in case, as well as something sweet for you to take with it, as a little treat.

Il - He has never been sick himself, but he has looked after Zephyr far too many times when he's been sick. He'd think you were the most pleasant sick person in comparison because Zeph constantly complains and makes a fuss. He's a bit clumsy with it, especially if it's not something he's had experience with for his brother, but he'd learn quickly for you. He'd also struggle leaving you out of his sight, but he'd convince you to let him stay and sing to you until you fall asleep.

Eos - Surprisingly high on the list, but you have to remember they have raised half of the orphans and abandoned kids in the city, and as such has had to learn how to nurse them to health. Still, unlike the ones above they aren't as soft and gentle, and definitely more strict about taking medicine and resting, and won't hesitate to get annoyed if you don't listen to them, but still, it's only cause they're worried. You'd wake up to find them sleeping on the chair in the corner after trying to stay up to make sure you were okay, but if you called them out on it they would deny it to the end of the planet.

Oliver - Whilst I haven't shown you the resident journalist, potential partner to you and Jed, he gets a mention as a slightly above average caregiver. He knows basic first aid and how to look after a sick person, so you'd be fine overall, but if the illness didn't take you out then his incessant puns and jokes might just do so. In his defence humour is the best medicine. Unless you were passing out, Oliver is the type to let you make your own judgements for what you need and happy to just support where needed.

Helios - The ArchDuke has never had to look after a sick person in his life, after all, the nannies and maids do that for his sisters, and whilst he has visited them he's never actually had to do anything. Plus, when he himself gets sick, he actively denies it and pushes himself to continue working until it either passes or he passes out... so he himself might be a bit useless in taking care of you, but he'd bring the best doctors in the North to treat you. He'd come and sit with you whilst others look after you though, and he'd be a bit more amenable to any requests you have for him with his magic.

Athy - Whilst theoretically she has read enough medical books to stock a hospital, she has never actually had to put any into practice. If you got sick, she'd spend so long reading up on what it was she was meant to do and how to treat it, that you'd have either gotten yourself to a doctor, or just called for Noah and gotten actual help. She also can't cook to save her life, so it's probably for the best in the long run.

Cai - It doesn't matter how much you mean to them, they refuse to run the risk of getting sick themself. You'd tell them that you're ill and they'd be out the door before you finished your sentence. You don't see them again until a week after you've recovered and that's only after they've had a professional say you're okay.

Jed - Hahahahahahahaha he has tried to either dissect you or is trying to feed you suspicious medicine whilst saying 'trust me I'm a doctor'. Do not trust him. That man did not get a medical license.

🦋

[gffa]

Saw you're posting the spoilers form this week's Batman so i'm guessing you've read it. My heart just broke reading it, i do wonder how the family is going to get out of this. Like this issue alone Bruce telling Jason he should kill him like my heart

I'm still really on the fence about what Gotham War is setting up, because I'm still so annoyed by how bad the arguments of the characters are, I'm annoyed by how it feels like cheap drama to break the Batfamily up again because they don't know how to do drama any other way, but also I can't lie, I don't find Bruce to be that out of character, because he's in a really bad place and the narrative isn't portraying him as morally correct. Everything with Jason really hurt, but Bruce can be cruel when his mental health is in the toilet (and this storyline is leaning hard on Bruce's mental illness being really, really bad right now) and I don't take it that he was serious at all, he had no intention of actually killing Jason, he was following up on Jason's argument--if it's okay that Selina's way got someone killed, if that death being an acceptable sacrifice was fine, then why wouldn't Jason's death be acceptable, to stop him from killing more people? And the thing is, Bruce doesn't believe that Roland Gardner's death was an acceptable loss, just as he doesn't believe that Jason's death would be acceptable, either. But Jason was deliberately goading him, Jason was being cruel when attacking him, and Bruce snapped at him, but I don't think for a second it was meant to be serious. It was an ugly fight between a father and a son who find themselves on the opposite sides of an argument that is dragging up a LOT of issues for them. For Bruce, I've made my case on this with the first Gotham War issue and I think it still holds true, that a lot of his biased reactions are coming from a place of feeling betrayed by his kids, the ones he took in because they were victims like him, ones who stood up and said, "I will never let this happen to anyone else." so hard that he couldn't stop them, could only have ever put a leash on them, and now suddenly they're saying, "I guess this can happen to some people." and that's a betrayal of the very foundation of why they do what they do, in his eyes. And that tracks for me with what he thinks when he's fighting the kids together:

I think this storyline has been an interesting look at Bruce, where they're touching on his class issues, but also the heart of the reason he does anything and the biases that he brings to the table and that his mental illnesses are having an absolute party in his brain right now, like he's literally hallucinating and he slumps down against the wall and thinks about how shaky his control feels, how he feels isolated from his family, like this isn't Bruce being perfectly right and correct, this is him in the middle of a bad spiral and I think that's a potentially interesting storyline. Because he's full of so much doubt--it's TWO ISSUES into this series and in BOTH OF THEM, Bruce has had a major moment of falling apart and wondering what the hell he's doing, and while the storyline is billed as "Who's the one in the right?" here, I don't think that's what it's actually shaping up to be. This is a story about a traumatized character reacting very badly to having his mental health tanking and feeling like he's losing everything, only playing out on the stage that is Gotham. (I'm less enthused about the other characters' reasons, like I'm not sure I believe Tim or Dick or Barbara or Cass would go along with Selina's way, even if crime is down, those kids are stubborn and they didn't just agree with Bruce because they were scared of him, Bruce couldn't tell those kids shit about what to do, they had their own opinions, and while I buy that they'd think he's going too far, and I agree they would try to stop him here, because they're trying to talk him down, not make an enemy of him. So, I can see everything pretty okay in this issue, I'm just not sure enough thought will be given to ALL the characters that have a part to play in this story, beyond just Bruce.)

[cancerian-woman]

🔥 + bonnies friendships (either in general or with a specific person)

unpopular opinion: on Bonnie’s friends but in the end it makes sense why Enzo, Damon and Caroline are arguably the most important people to Bonnie first then Elena etc etc. Bonnie(and the rest of the group) would’ve been okay if she/them let Elena go. I know the writing says otherwise but hear me out. — lowkey turned into a barolena meta lol.

Bonenzo/Bamon both are built up on Bonnie depending on them when she had nobody else. It gave her room to see the good in them from her side of things. Makes her very dependent on somebody else. It filled up her abandonment issues. Which is never properly addressed in canon & she definitely has issues with her parents. The feuds for both ships is funny sometimes bc well…Enzo/Damon both started their relationships with her that way.

Elena reminds Bonnie of life pre-supernatural world. The life that was safe and normal. Bonnie spent most of her time with Elena and had her to lean on for anything. We don’t get enough of Bonnie’s emotions but we can tell Bonnie sees Elena/her orbit (and then everyone else as family) vice versa. Back to the point BE seemed to do just about everything together naturally. Cheerleading, sleepovers etc.. Bonlena also play into that Petrova x Bennett line repeated circle—which i think can have negative tones but pen in that lmao. The writing stopped aiding in Elena caring about her friends when she certainly did at first and thus Bonlena fell out without actually falling out heavily. But this does build an argument for Bonnie being okay, if Elena left her alone. With Bonnie having feelings in her own friendships and those feelings being loud.

Caroline plays into this because she slowly becomes the friend Bonnie needs without it being given too much focus. Baroline isn’t necessarily about life or death and has plenty of more non-serious moments. Keeping tvd’s weird “we’ll talk about Bonnie’s relationships without giving it focus” Caroline does defend Bonnie here or there. doing things like: begging Abby to stay or telling Elena, Bonnie suffers because of her. killing witches. Having Caroline admit when she’s selfish. stealing from Elena there with her happier bonding moments with Bonnie. Both Caroline and Elena have their moments just like the rest of the gang with Bonnie. Where Elena lacked, Caroline filled up the spaces that Elena had with others.

During Elena’s no humanity arc she didn’t act like Bonnie’s friend. Or anyone’s really. I think it’s something to be said here. That Bonnie is actually reflecting her choices in what Elena said to her. I know people think Elena attempting to kill Bonnie was the last straw or should’ve been. I think this should’ve been the moment the wheels started turning in Bonnie’s head. Plus Elena’s attempt. If Bonnie was allowed to be mad and stay that was after Elena bit her then it wouldn’t have been much Elena could’ve done with that. But fight for forgiveness. Humanity-back on/Human Elena would have a bigger time struggling without Bonnie’s presence than Bonnie would’ve had without Elena. Both Bonnie and Elena have lost a lot yes. But Bonnie is known for that independence and Elena isn’t.

Neither Rudy or Abby ever apologized (well)for how they treated Bonnie and while an apology from somebody would’ve been seasons late. It equally could’ve been nice coming from Elena during season 5-6. Bonnie still NEEDED family or support from them. Which she never actually has outside the vortex of the MFG. Yet has no feelings or ill thoughts to her family.

[geddy-leesbian]

Luis playing guitar for pregnant Leon because these bitches make me ill and I can't wait 2 chapters to post this

“Can I try to feel again..?”

“Yeah, the one on my left is moving a little bit. She's farther back I think and smaller, I don't feel her as much as the other, so don't think you will, but you can try,” Luis places his hand all over the left side of Leon's belly, but can't feel anything. He can't hide the disappointment on his face. “You'll get to feel soon, I promise. Usually me being up walking around relaxes them and they sleep. I just need to sit here for a while and the one on the right will wake up and start kickboxing in there. You can go back to doing whatever you were doing before I interrupted you, I'll tell you when the kicks start.”

Luis gets up to grab his guitar, then comes back to Leon to start playing.

“Keep playing!” Leon yanks a hand off the guitar to place on his stomach. “They like your music. Always kick when I put it on. Can't fall asleep to it like I used to, the kicks keep me up. They don't react like this to other music, just yours.”

Luis keeps strumming with one hand and feels the kicks with the other. When he stops playing, the kicking stops. He's mesmerized by it.

“They…” Luis moves his hand, back to the other side, to feel the other baby too. “They like my music…”

Luis keeps at it, playing and feeling, still in awe at every single kick, until Leon is asking him to stop.

“Sorry, darling,” Luis sets his guitar down while Leon starts rubbing his belly. “Glad you're finally able to feel and bond with them, the kicking just starts to hurt sometimes. You can keep feeling while they settle down, just no more exciting music.”

Leon takes his hands off his belly, letting Luis take over. 

“I love you. I love you so much,” Luis gently rubs Leon's belly. “I can't believe I'm having a family with you. I don't understand why you're putting your body through hell carrying my babies. I don't know what the hell you see in me.”

“A couple nights ago you were playing to a stadium of women that would probably kill to have your kids, don't get why it's so hard for you to believe that I want it too.”

“Because none of them know the real me. They have the idealized image of me that magazines feed them. They think I'm perfect, they don't know how much of a fucking train wreck I am. They don't know what I was like before. You were here wanting to spend time with me even before all the money and fame, when I was just a loser with nothing. And you're still here! Why?”

“You being a loser is exactly why I fell for you. Always hated you up until that conversation about this album being your last shot… Thought you were some rich asshole trying to buy his way into the music industry, just burning money until something worked because you could afford it. Then I found out you couldn't afford it, you were just so passionate for music that you were willing to be homeless to have another chance. I loved the passion. And since then I've learned so much shit that's made me fall more in love,” Leon traces over Luis's cheek scar with his thumb. “You're actually badass, you're a crazy cat person, you're a fucking genius and could have been an actual doctor if you'd tried, you're so protective, you dote on me… I could go on all night, there's so much I see in you. I don't get what you see in me either. You could have just about anyone, why me? I'm a fucking loser too! Became a receptionist because I'm a moron that broke my leg and never got motivated to do anything else with my life. I don't have a creative bone in my body, feel like you should be with someone artistic like you. I'm pretty, but I'm not special. You could find someone just as pretty as me that's also good at music or drawing or something.”

“I'm so in love with you because you have the nicest tits that I've ever seen. Kidding. Well, half kidding. You do have the most beautiful tits I've ever seen,” That is extremely high praise coming from Luis. He's seen a lot of them, after all. “I'm kidding about them being why I'm in love with you, they're just a nice bonus. The real reason is very close though! It's your big heart. The moment you said I could move in with you if I didn't have anywhere to sleep… We weren't even friends at that point. Just acquaintances. And you would have let me move in! Not to mention the way you just put up with all my bullshit and took care of me when I had that breakdown, when all I deserved was a door slammed in my face because I'd treated you like shit. And you don't give yourself enough credit– You are creative too! You decorated the nursery, painted those butterflies… You're also strong. But I already told you all about how strong I think you are last night, so–”

“God. Let's stop the sappy romance bullshit. Save it for when these kids are out of me and I can smoke pot.”

“Can I be sappy in Spanish?” Luis smiles playfully. “So you can't understand it?”

“Whatever.”

Luis lays down, head by Leon's belly, and starts speaking softly in Spanish.

[onewmin]

the perfume on the shelf. pt. 8 | bangchan

Pairings: Bang Chan x Fem!reader, Kim Yugyeom x Fem!reader

Summary: Falling in love with your best friend was never a part of the plan. So you end it up. But does he want to put a stop to it, too?

Warnings: AU, 3 time jumps (not big ones), mentions of parental abuse, mentions of the eating disorder, mentions of shooting (at a shooting range in the park), mentions of mental illness, mentions of depression, profanity, a lot of awkwardness, typos, the reader’s and Chan’s povs, a bit of Minho x oc (not the reader lmao)

Author’s note: so… If some of the actions seem rushed/too awkward, don’t worry — it’s intended this way lol

I originally planned like 10 parts… yikes. It’s going to be more, I guess. Anyways, hope you enjoy!! Tell me what you think!!

Disclaimer: the names and appearances of real people are used for inspiration and writing purposes only. I do not claim anything, everything belongs to its owners.

Part 7 | Part 9

A week had passed since then.

Chan hadn’t called or texted. You hadn’t either. You left home to go to work and get some food if you felt like eating. To be honest, you wanted to eat every food item possible.

That was your compulsive eating speaking for you: ever since you were a little girl, you found comfort in food. When your parents were fighting, screaming in their bedroom early in the morning, you’d sneak into the kitchen to get anything to fill your anxious stomach with. When you were hurt, another breakup hitting you, you’d find yourself in a bar, drinking and overeating. Your first big weight gain was when you turned nineteen: you had yet another heated argument with your parents, resulting in you crying on the street, while excessively smoking. You had saved some money to get your first tattoo done; however, your parents — the conservative people they are — only tended to scold you for that.

“No one’s gonna marry you now!” Your mother screamed over the phone. “How could you do that! You’re a Christian girl, that’s a sin!” You didn’t quite remember when the God said tattoos were a sin, but oka, whatever. Your mom would tell that your father said it was a stupid decision, but did she really think you cared about his piece of mind in this conversation? He was barely present in your life, and when he was, he would only criticize you for every thing you did. And your mother thought you’d care about his opinion? As if.

Nevertheless, your parents’ reaction hurt you. You’d always wanted to have an open, honest relationship with your mother, but it was not possible — it was always one step forward, ten steps back. You’d cherish the moments when the two of you bonded, laughing at something together, gossiping about some family members. And in those moments you desperately believed that it could always be like this. But whenever you let your guard down, you’d get stabbed in the already bleeding wound. Your mother would never change. And you would never share the sweet moments with her.

Your mother also blamed you for the weight gain. She constantly stated you shouldn’t be eating so much food, because, “No one would want to marry a fat girl”. Even though she’d totally support your desire to fulfill the career goals, she was still focused on the possibility of prosperous marriage for you. Yeah, your mother wasn’t exactly a mentally stable person herself.

And now you were eating as well. All of the hard work you’d put into working out to get back into the desirable shape of yours would be washed down the drain now. As you were sitting on the floor next to the TV, a third bag of chips out of the ten you’d bought being shoved down your throat. And the cherry on top? There were actually multiple ones, like two huge bottles of coke and a cake in your fridge. Your rice and the fried chicken you’d cooked a week ago rotting in the refrigerator as you spent half of your savings on junk food.

‘Cause it was comfortable. It was your solace. Alongside with occasional drinking when you were sad, overeating was the comfort zone. Like you gained weight after that huge conflict with your parents (which led you to carry that massive guilt on your shoulders and your mother wasn’t speaking to you for weeks), like you gained more after the breakup with Yugyeom (and kept gaining, ‘cause every time you talked to him or saw him, you’d end up eating half the menu in the bar) or like when you were rejected by a publishing agency. The latter got you to actually go and work within your major, leaving your dreams behind. Now you were in the same pit of shit.

The mere thought of your hard work in the gym was overshadowed by the image of Chan, helping you around, guiding you through the training. It seemed as if any gym experience had been forbidden, ‘cause the memory of Chan being your personal trainer was engraved in your memory forever.

“Ugh, you’ve got to be kidding me”, you turned around to see Eunjoo, Minho behind her locking the door. You were so engrossed in that TV reality and your thoughts that you didn’t hear them coming in.

“Hey”, you said in a flat tone, facing the TV again.

The two of them would come and see you almost every day: Eunjoo was your work wife basically, but she still made sure to check up on you outside the office as well. After you wept in her arms that day a week ago, fell asleep on her lap and woke up to cry more, she just couldn’t leave you all alone. Eunjoo was the greatest friend out there and you definitely owed her a lot — you weren’t sure if you were able to repay her for all the kind things she did.

Minho, on the other hand… If Eunjoo was this sweet and comforting friend, who was there to help you cope with the emotions and be your crying buddy through all of that, this ass was quite the opposite. Eunjoo didn’t bring the topic up, letting you forget it, dissolve the memory of him forever; Minho would be running around your apartment, screaming curse words, shouting,

“What an asshole! What a complete piece of shit! My mother told me not to trust him!”

That’s his best friend, mind you. Their energy in this question didn’t really match much, obviously; so Eunjoo had to physically drag him out of the apartment and locking the door on her way back in order to get rid of his annoying anger splashes. But Minho would bang on the door, turning the handle violently, and it would result in the two of them bickering while Minho was still outside your flat. That was probably the only thing that made you laugh. And as they noticed that, they went on doing it more often just to put the smile back on your face.

“You’re eating chips again?”, Eunjoo sighed, turning to Minho in a helpless attempt to get some support from him. He shrugged his shoulders and plopped on the floor next to you, snatching the bag of chips from your hands.

“Oh, cheese flavored? Thanks”, he started chomping loudly, not letting you get another chip from the bag. “They’re mine now”.

“Did you tell your therapist about it?” Eunjoo sat down on the other side; now you were between your friends, being unable to escape.

“I cancelled our session this week”, you mumbled, pretending to carefully observe the palms of your hands. Eunjoo let out a sigh and took your hands in hers.

“It won’t help you”, she replied, “you’re only making it worse by shielding yourself from the world”. You nodded, still unable to look back at her. “Your therapist is the only person who can actually do something”.

You listened to Eunjoo silently, gaze fixated on the TV. You missed every thing said on the reality show you’d been watching, thoughts long gone from your head. You were so tired of this, extremely exhausted from all this talking. You knew you had to go through it with your therapist, but you just didn’t want to be analyzed for now. Not by your therapist, not by your friends.

“Can’t you just leave me alone?” You stood up and marched to your bedroom, slamming the door when you got inside. It felt like fighting with your parents when you were a teenager; only if you dared to slam the door this way, your mom’d have slapped you.

You sat on the bed, back leaning on the headboard. Only, what, a couple of months ago, were you crying after Chan left and came to the decision to break up with him? Could you have ever imagined it all would go south?

You took the phone in your hands, the screen almost blinding you in the dark of the room. Scrolling down the gallery, you looked at the pictures you took of Chan, the ones he took of you, and the photos you’ve made together. Gosh, whenever you saw him standing close to you in any picture, you wish you could go back in time and punch him in the face. His stupid handsome face.

“Come here!” Chan’s voice rang out in your ears, looking at the particular photograph that was taken in the amusement park.

He looked so delighted to share that day with you — it was his debut anniversary, his first year as an idol had just passed. He had just gotten back from his tour around the country, and the first thing he did after stepping a foot in Seoul? Arranging a day out with you. “Tomorrow at 12. I’ll pick you up”.

And as you’d spent almost seven hours, running from attractions to food trucks to attractions again, your legs started getting wobbly with every step you were taking. Chan, on the other hand, with his body being physically stronger than yours, didn’t seem to be exhausted at all. So when he turned around to see you standing way behind him,

“Are you tired?”

“It’s a rhetorical question, right?” He chuckled at your sarcasm.

“Yeah, guess it is”. Your gaze fell behind Chan’s back, and he turned to follow it — only to see you staring at the shooting range. Before he could even utter a word, you already sprinted (wasn’t she tired a minute ago?) there.

After three unsuccessful attempts, you, for some reason, started bickering with the owner of the range, as he was making a lot of comments about you not winning. As amused by that as Chan was — seeing you bicker with strangers was a rarity — he took the matter in his own hands.

“Which one d’you want?”

You pointed at the plushy wolf. “That one”.

“Consider you have it”.

One. Chan wasn’t satisfied his first attempt was a failure, so he got his wallet out to pay for the next three rounds. Two. Three. Four. The smiley grey wolf in a sweater was still untouchable. “One more time”, Chan said to you confidently, “trust me, I’ll get him for you”.

Well, he didn’t. He was sulking, glaring at the owner from afar, when both of you had spent all of your cash on that stupid range.

“Sorry I didn’t get that wolf for you”.

You smiled, hand tapping his shoulder. “Don’t worry, Chan. You did your best”. He smiled back at you. “At least, it was fun”.

In the end, the two of you decided to take a selfie there, to capture the moment of your double failure. Now you noticed how closely to one another you were standing, as if your friendship was doomed to turn into something else from the beginning. Well, and Chris did admit he had always been in love with you, so it felt like truth.

“Do you want me to talk shit about him?” Eunjoo was sitting on the bed next to you. “You will show me the photos, and I will say everything that comes to mind”.

“I can do it without pictures, just so y’know”. Minho was leaning on the doorframe, your cat being scratched in his arms.

“I don’t think it’s gonna help”, you muttered. Having put the phone on the bedside table, you rubbed your face ferociously. “Wish I could… Just erase him from my memory”.

“Then lookin’ at his face won’t help”.

“Minho, shut up”.

“No, Eunjoo, he’s right”, your eyes welled up for some reason. Well, technically, there was some particular reason. That elephant in the room. “I’m, uh… Being too delusional, I guess. I think looking at him and knowing what he said to me will… Will make me hate him”. You draw a breath. “But it makes me hate myself more”.

Eunjoo took your hands in hers; that was a habit of hers whenever she needed to comfort somebody. “You know what I did when Jeong broke up with me?” You started nodding frantically. “No, I’m not talking about that”. The shadow of a chuckle in her voice made the corners of your mouth quirk up.

“When we broke up, the first thing I did was deleting our photos. Threw them away if they were polaroids. Put all the gifts he gave me in a box and then put it on the farthest shelf of my closet. That’s how you forget. Or, at least”, she added, “that’s how you start to forget”.

You didn’t need to think twice — because if you did, you wouldn’t be able to get rid of the memories. “I’ll start with the photos”.

Eunjoo smiled at you. “Good choice”.

Five hundred selfies. You and Chan had taken five hundred selfies, the majority of them during your situationship era. There was the two of you in his car, his mouth covered with your smudged lipstick; ten selfies taken on ‘a date’ Chris organized, and countless pictures of you two holding hands in various places. Looking through them, you couldn’t but wonder: how him and you weren’t a couple? Even your selfies, especially your selfies, were saturated with adoring glances and stolen kisses, many of the latter caught on camera. And he had the audacity to say that you weren’t his girlfriend? After basically admitting the fact that the two of you did, in fact, everything ordinary couples do?

Was Chris that stupid? Or was he just so bad at gaslighting that it didn’t take much to catch him do so?

Your blood wasn’t boiling, but you were not melancholically miserable anymore. Seeing his happy face in the now deleted from your memory photos made you just… Spiteful. Sick. You fell for his silky lies — the ones he himself believed too; and you were not going to grieve the relationship, the love that was actually never there anymore.

Your cat meowed loudly as she jumped from the bed, Eunjoo following her shortly. Minho went through your gallery after you handed him the phone, and hummed in approval.

“Does it feel better?”

“A bit, but… That’s enough for now”.

He nodded, standing up and slightly stretching his arms. “Good. I’ll tell him you did that when I’ll be in the studio”.

“Minho-“

“I’m kidding”, he huffed. “Dunno if we ever gonna talk again, like, as friends”. He sighed and shook his head; you couldn’t convince Lee Know to talk it out as well, ‘cause he just didn’t want to speak about Chris. “Anyways, who’s Jeong?”

You were dumbfounded for a moment. “What?”

“Well, y’know”, he scratched the back of his neck, “the guy Eunjoo was talking about”.

“Why are you asking about her ex?”

Minho shrugged his shoulders. “No reason. I’m just”, he cleared his throat, “I’m just curious, uh, who would date such a smartass”.

You let out a groan. “What grade are you in? Fifth?”. Having stood up next to him, you smacked his shoulder. “Ask her out, for god’s sake”.

You turned away to leave your bedroom, but you knew that Minho had this perplexed expression on his face. Yeah, you wished your best friend wouldn’t go out with Minho, knowing his dating history, but… There was just something about the two of them together, something that seemed right. And maybe in the endless circle of heartbreaks and hurt, at least Minho and Eunjoo would find happiness.

Although, you wish you and Chan would find your personal solace in each other as well.

Chan sat down at the studio, music blasting in his headphones. However, he didn’t hear anything but his thoughts, which were relentlessly torturing him for the past month.

The pain eased off a little bit, but… But Chris wasn’t numb to all of it yet. He was still clinging onto the memory of you, you, that were one call, one car ride away, but yet too far from his reach. And he was the problem. He was the epicenter of the explosion.

The moment you left, the moment the taxi drew away Chan knew it was over. Chan knew he screwed up so terribly that there was no cure, no mending to the damage he had done. Leaning back on his chair, he closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh. To this day, thirty-three days later, Chris couldn’t understand what possessed him to say all of that. Maybe…. Her words, anger, her lack of desire to forgive him then and there — he was embittered. He was willing to change, and she was leaving!

“What a pretentious asshole you are”, Jisung told him that morning, when he showed up at his place again. “How you manage to get girlfriends in the first place is a mystery to me”.

Chris knew what Han was implying. The thoughts that were lingering inside his head like unobtrusive memories — something that he remembered but wished to forget the moment he reminisced on it. His inability to maintain relationships because he chose to run away from every possible love expressed at him wasn’t the only problem present. He couldn’t admit a defeat; and he couldn’t admit he was wrong. Alright, the latter could happen, as he was willing to admit to his faults to some extent; however, if the other party pointed out other the things which he fucked up? A fatal mistake for them, a vicious victory for Chan. To throw more hurtful words, to cause more pain, reminding where they messed up instead of simply apologizing was the only possible outcome. The same thing happened with you. Instead of trying to fix it, he blurted out the stupidest shit, knowing that he, indeed, took it too far and, again, indeed, broke your heart by choosing to stay in a blissful oblivion.

Only now, a month later, Chan started to realize what he had done. It’s not like the both of you fucked up, no, for god’s sake, none of you would admit that; but, nevertheless, Chan got to the point when he knew, knew that it was him who spilled the darkest shade of paint onto the portrait of your love. Now he was starting at what used to be rosy background and had no idea how to scrub the black color off. Everything was in black. Because you weren’t there; and Chris could feel it in his chest, he knew it would take ages for your love to bloom like the first flower in spring again.

Having taken off the headphones, Chan stood up and rubbed his eyes. The action left wet traces on his face and fingers, and he tried to even his breath to avoid crying.

The door behind him creaked a little, and he turned around, swiftly thinking it was you.

“Hey”, Minho shortly nodded. Chan’s eyes widened as Lee Know was the last person he expected to see.

A glint of hope sprinted through his entire body, as he watched his best friend stand there, awkwardly twisting the ring on his finger. Maybe, just maybe, Chris would be able to save their friendship with Lee Know.

“So, uh…” Chan mumbled.

“Got a minute?” Minho’s voice was a little louder than usual. “Think we need to talk”.

A long drive in your car never seemed so nice like it did at the moment.

Summer was still present, the unbearable heat during the day changed into warm nights, and you enjoyed those. Windows open, the evening breeze gently touching your hair. Even though you cut it a couple of days ago, it was still long enough to get a bit tangled after the encounters with the wind. But you didn’t really care about that at the moment.

The traffic was slowly cooling off, which made your way to the destination shorter in time. There were still plenty of cars, but they were mostly going in the direction of residential areas, as everyone was headed home, even though it was Friday evening.

A week ago Youngjae invited you to his birthday party. You didn’t use to be very close before, he was just a pleasant acquaintance, your best friend’s cousin. However, in the past couple of months you found peace listening to his midnight radio program, Youngjae’s voice being the perfect lullaby to your unsettling mind. And since you texted him, praising his program, you’d become good friends. So him inviting you alongside Eunjoo didn’t come out as a surprise; besides, he really wanted to know who was that mysterious guy Eunjoo had been cryptically mentioning. Oh boy, you were willing to tell him.

Having left the car at the parking lot near the restaurant, you made the way inside, noticing how non-super-fancy the place was. Youngjae asked for no dress code and no gifts, but you did bring him a small one as a sign of your gratitude. If it weren’t for him and his midnight talks, you wouldn’t have fallen asleep at all.

“And as we finish today’s program, I wish we all could come to the road of finding peace and comfort within ourselves”. The tone of his voice slowly drifted you into sleep. “No matter how hard it is, it all gets better in the end. The hot line for the free mental help is…”.

His programs tended to have this unserious tone usually; however, quite regularly, he’d touch upon serious topics — mental health, depression, eating disorders — inviting specialists to discuss questions the audience would ask. As Youngjae put it himself, “I used to be heavily depressed when I was younger. And as I had no one to talk to, I listened to the midnight radio program. The host and their voice were my solace. I hope that I can be a help to someone who’s listening to my program now”. And he was. At least, to one person.

Youngjae pulled you into a warm hug upon your arrival. His shiny smile was impossible to resist; so after giving him the present, the two of sat down next to each other, some of his other friends greeting you simultaneously.

“Where’s Eunjoo?” You asked, having looked at your watch.

Youngjae rolled his eyes. “Running late”. You chuckled. “Tell me about the guy”.

“Oh boy”, you sighed, “but promise you won’t tell her that I told you”. Youngjae nodded. “It’s nothing serious for now”, you started, “they’re just… friends. But, from what I can see, they both really like each other”.

“Where does he work? How old is he? Who are his parents? How did they meet?”

The endless number of questions from Youngjae made you laugh. Him and Eunjoo were cousins, but they treated each other as siblings. Youngjae called Eunjoo his ‘little sister’ and you could understand why he was so interested and worried at the same time. You’d lie if you said you weren’t worried for Eunjoo as well.

“His name is Lee Minho, he’s 28, and he’s a choreographer”. Youngjae lifted an eyebrow.

“Minho? How does she know Minho?”

“How do you know Minho?”

Youngjae sighed. “Uh, well”, he ran his hands through his hair, “he was a guest on my program around a year ago. A really sweet guy”.

“Well”, Youngjae slapped his things and got up, “we’ll see. I want Eunjoo to tell me about him herself”, he giggled and you laughed back at him. You didn’t have any siblings, but if you had, you wished they were like Eunjoo or Youngjae.

Sipping a drink in the corner of the room, you saw Eunjoo walking in the hall, talking to somebody. Somebody tall, somebody dark-haired, somebody with a contagious laugh. “What the hell is Yugyeom doing here?”

You looked down, bringing the half-full drink to your face in a tremendously unsuccessful attempt to hide yourself. A desire to run away and hide came upon you immediately; it wasn’t the fact that you didn’t want to see Yugyeom, it was the fact that you unintentionally hurt him, choosing Chan when you shouldn’t have. And that made you really uncomfortable; he didn’t need your explanations or apologies, you knew that too well. But it felt like you needed to apologize to shrug this enormous weight of guilt off your shoulders. However, no matter how much you thought of him, you didn’t rush to get in contact. ‘Cause it was scary, and you almost never chose the unknown and terrifying path.

Fuck it. How long would you run? How long would you avoid uncomfortable situations just to stay in your imaginary tranquil world? How long would you escape the encounters with your fears? So fuck it.

You slowly raised your head to glance at Eunjoo, who was looking directly at you. Ignoring the tingling in the stomach, you waved at her, and she, having said something to Yugyeom, of course, made her way to you with him. Ugh. Eunjoo, why?

“Hey!” She almost sang, hugging you. “Remember that friend Youngjae told us about?” She immediately ranted. “This is Yugyeom”, she introduced him to you, “they met at Columbia University several years ago. Youngjae told us so much about you, it’s just…”

You didn’t hear the rest of her rather awkward speech as you looked at him for the first time after noticing him. The glimpse of smile on his lips, a white shirt covered by a black jacket and tucked into same-colored pants. His eyes didn’t hesitate to look at you, piercing through your appearance, landing somewhere deeper, somewhere around your heart.

You and him bowed to each other, and Eunjoo suddenly disappeared, using her cousin as an excuse. You gritted your teeth; she might have not remembered his appearance — as she only saw him in the rare pictures you’d shown her — but she definitely remembered his name and the fact the he went to Columbia University. Playing it off as if she’d ‘introduced’ you to each other was peak Eunjoo.

“Didn’t know you know Youngjae”, Yugyeom broke the silence a couple of minutes later.

“And I didn’t remember you do”, you answered. Awkward, to say the least. You wish it wasn’t this uncomfortable.

“On our way from the parking lot, she kept on telling me about her amazing best friend”, he continued, having taken a sip of his drink, “and also mentioned that this friend is freshly single. I didn’t understand what she meant until I saw the said friend”, he chuckled. You couldn’t help but smile back.

“She’s unbearable”, you sighed, “sorry about that”.

Yugyeom shook his head. “No need to apologize. I’m used to people ‘advertising’ possible girlfriends to me”.

“People?”

Now it was his turn to sigh. “Fine, not people in plural. My mom”.

You couldn’t stop yourself from snoring; in response, Yugyeom let out a breathy laugh. And in that moment, the time seemed to stop running as it used to. In that moment it seemed as if the two of you were laughing at some stupid jokes you shared when you were younger, when you were soaked from the pouring rain, riding your bikes on the country road, when you were lying in bed, your head on his chest, stomachs hurting after you laughed too hard. No matter how much times passed, you wanted to be absorbed in those moments, to stay in those memories forever. Because everything about Yugyeom just screamed home. You wish you could have changed the past after him completely.

God, you just wish none of it had happened.

Taglist:

@heylookwhoitis @amaranth-writing @itstorimf @tenshimara @whyyougottadothatbro

Fic masterlist <3

[castletown-cafe]

Life Updates, AuDHD, and A Mental Trainwreck

Content Warnings: Mental illness, current events, betrayal trauma, abuse, & family death.

It's time I talked about how things have been for me lately. I'm tired of hyping up all these things/projects I can't commit to, it feels like I'm making promises I can't fulfill. I get too ambitious, I get too many ideas, and even the ones I manage to see through, I just do not enjoy the writing portion.

About a year ago, my focus drifted away from Castletown Cafe. Many of you here may know what that's like to lose interest/hyperfixation on one thing and get fixated on something else, that's natural for us with autism and ADHD. We get an intense hyperfocus on a topic or project for a while only to shift to the next topic, losing interest or forgetting about the previous. I got really fixated on Pokemon Scarlet & Violet, Splatoon 3, and ACNH this past year, as well as making my own unrelated cooking projects revolving around seasonal ingredients. This fall, I got crazy ambitious for an entire fall-themed cookbook and even a Halloween one, things that obviously will take years of practice and experimentation (and need year-round work).

On top of that, however, I have not been feeling as well mentally this year. I've had less motivation to draw, and felt a stronger dislike of writing. If you have ADHD you know how hard it is to get yourself to do something you don't want to do. It's like pulling teeth. I've always had issues with executive dysfunction, and I wonder how much of it I've succumbed to this year. And while I've never been diagnosed with clinical depression, I'm wondering/concerned if I am showing signs of it like I might have been this year with my lack of motivation, my focus and drive getting worse, loss of enjoyment of things I ordinarily enjoy doing, such as drawing, feeling sad more often, and either sleeping too much or too little.

Granted the events of this fall haven't helped. We all know what's going on in the world right now. It's horrifying, it's depressing, and it's easy to feel helpless, but we all have the power to protest, to boycott, and to use social media to amplify voices of the marginalized. I have been very active on Twitter with this, but it has also been hard to enjoy my favorite times of year, the fall and Halloween, when tens of thousands are being massacred. It's no wonder I have been so depressed this fall, knowing the country we live in is siding with the colonizers and is actively funding genocide. Our tax dollars are being used to fund this and many, if not most, American brands and companies are also in favor of it.

Then, in November, I discover that an 80s band I liked is guilty of VERY inappropriate behavior toward women. One I had been listening to for the past few years. Fronted by a guy whose music I had enjoyed since childhood. I shouldn't have been so surprised, but it still broke me anyway. Another betrayal was a YouTuber who turned out to be an imposter with no thoughts or opinions of his own, only stolen from others. Yet another was a confirmation of suspicions I had toward a certain animator having NPD and being abusive, (who, to be honest, I never actually liked, just her art style and cartoons).

Oh, but that's not all! Here's where it gets really personal, but I think I really need to disclose this. On top of everything going on, I had two deaths in the family recently. One was a parent whom I didn't get along with very well, the other was my old pup Oscar. My old doggo has been easier to grieve, because he was a sweet, good boy....and honestly....he deserved a better end to his life than what he got. He was living with my father, keeping him company. My father was the parent I had a bad relationship with, and is the reason I advocate strongly for responsible and careful drinking. Because he failed to do that. He always used alcohol for self-medication, something you should NEVER do. His substance abuse got worse and worse over the years, driving him meaner and more abusive. He was never really kind to me, even if he tried to be. I never had a good relationship with my father, and honestly I know a lot of people can relate to that with one or both of their parents. A lot of us have betrayal trauma from growing up, maybe you have parents who don't love you unconditionally, or parents who never wanted to be parents, emotionally or physically abusive parents, you get the idea. Mine just so happened to be a man born and raised in a time where there was no diagnosis for his neurodivergence. He had tons of internalized ableism that he pushed onto me, and modelled horrible, angry behavior. He also had depression, but never sought help, and I believe that's due to toxic masculinity.

He can't hurt me anymore, though. I moved out of his house almost 5 years ago, and I wish it had been sooner. I'm not sure how to feel about his passing, because of how he treated me when he was alive. One thing I have been feeling though, is stress. He has left behind a house that is a disaster because he neglected to take care of it, tons of debt because he had failed to pay his bills, and no will whatsoever so inheritance is also going to be a mess to untangle. My family and I have been going back to that house to clean it, get it repaired, and figure out what to do with everything left behind. Right in the middle of a holiday season. What fun /sarcasm.

On the topic of Oscar, it's safe to say how he passed/what happened. My father went first, and so Oscar just curled up next to him.....and stayed there until he also died. And honestly....that's just heartbreaking.....I wish Oscar could've howled for help, that someone could have heard him and come to his rescue and taken care of him....but he didn't....I just wish i could have been by Oscar's side in his final moments. I know he was an old dog, he lived to be 15 and a half...but he's with my grandma now and I hope she's taking good care of him, wherever they are.

Meanwhile, Penny has been a new family member since July. She has been by my side to give hugs and cuddles, and I've needed them a lot these past few weeks. Since Oscar stayed behind to keep my father company when I moved out a few years ago, I missed my puppy, and having a little doggo around. And so, enter Penny. She's even registered as an emotional support animal, or ESA, and she goes all kinds of places with me. I love the attention she gets from other people when we go shopping together. Her cuteness lightens up a room and makes the day of many people.

My little fluffy girl has been a big help getting me through everything this season.

Back to Castletown Cafe, it may take a while, but I hope one day to return to it. I have all kinds of ideas and things I want to make and practice, and I also hope to create more content in 2024, even doing more live gaming on Twitch. I got a new computer for streaming, but I still need a monitor for it. I wanna have a streaming schedule and everything.

I really appreciate all of you who are still here even though I haven't been able to make many new things or deliver upon hyped ideas. I feel bad about my lack of content this year, though with recent life events I think it's really understandable as to why I haven't been able to churn out much in that regard.

One more thing: I do want to disclose that my ADHD is unmedicated. I can't get medication for it (not with this hell-thcare system) and I don't know what I should take for executive dysfunction. For those of you who made it this far with ADHD, what do you recommend?

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this, especially if you made it all the way to the end here. I know it was a lot, and some of this is REALLY heavy stuff. These are things that we all do go through, however.

Thank you.

~ Mari 🧡

[hopesandmountains]

I think people underestimate the idea of a safe space.

For people who have a troubled home life and a stressful job, there seems to be no escape.

And if you are battling emotional trauma or illness, one of the main ways to heal is to let yourself be vulnerable and relieve/feel that pain.

And if you don’t have a safe place at home and if you don’t have a safe place with friends, you will try to carry that pain for as long as possible before the burden gets too heavy and you have to unload some of emotions/vulnerability onto whoever.

And this is where I’ve seen so many people fall into a cycle, where they trust the wrong people who only traumatize them more. Which makes everything worse and causing unhealthy coping mechanisms and defense strategies that pushes everyone else away. And one of the types of people who aren’t pushed away are people who don’t care about boundaries and are seeking out vulnerable people, who will just traumatize and abuse you more until they can break you down.

And this is such an awful cycle to go through.

And the fear of being in that situation (or being in that situation again) causes you not to trust people. And this is where people either stay in isolation, or they try and find a way to move forward.

One of the key things to learn is how to discern against people you can trust and people you can’t. And that takes having boundaries. If someone lies or manipulated or puts you down or is just flat out self serving that should be a massive red flag. And sure you can try and give people second chances, sometimes trauma responses trigger when there really is not actual danger or threat.

But this is also why it’s important to take things slow.

As much as you want to find a quick solution, and seeing everyone else quickly jumping into relationships, you have to give yourself time to clearly see the situation.

One major red flag is when someone will try to rush the process along.

Entering a new relationship can trigger all sorts of fears and insecurities and vulnerability. And this can make you fragile and a little unsure of yourself. And this is where bad people can rush you before you can really grasp what’s going on and sink their teeth into you and get you attached before you really realize what’s going on.

And that’s scary.

Some people will stay in denial, some people can’t handle the extra trauma so they avoid it and ignore what’s going on, which leads to them going back because they are in denial about what’s wrong.

And part of the problem is since childhood they’ve been taught to ignore that feeling of everything being wrong (parents will argue and fight and maybe even be abusive, and then deny anything is wrong and claim they have a happy home life).

So they ignore that feeling of something being wrong and stay. And then get to a point where it’s just too tough to leave so they stay longer.

And yes this is tragic.

But it’s also never too late to break the cycle and more importantly for a lot of people it’s not too late to avoid that cycle.

There are people out there you can trust.

And you don’t have to treat everything like a ticking time bomb, you can learn to trust people slowly and have a wide social support net.

Really the key is unlearning.

People mimic their relationships around what they know, and their family, family friends, some of their own friends from childhood, toxic situations they’ve been in or see from social media.

And it’s just so difficult for people to tell something is wrong when they’ve never been taught.

They carry a deep shame within them so refuse to open up to people, and have abandonment issues and insecurities, so they see rejection when there is none.

And that mental trap they’ve built for themselves is so strong.

And when they sense rejection they pull away or have defense mechanisms, which push most people looking for healthy relationships away since all they see is someone pulling away or acting out.

But it’s also important to realize that most people are understanding.

If you can tell them what’s going on and communicate that. Tell them you need time but you want to make things work. A lot of people will work with you.

And the ones that don’t, well that’s okay, you want to open up to someone safe and that’s someone who will be understanding.

And that takes personal work.

Learning how to communicate your feelings and needs really isn’t easy, especially when you yourself are unsure of what those even are.

And quite frankly there will be people out there that just aren’t for you.

And you will have to work on your abandonment response because you will have to be okay with that if you ever are going to find the right person for you.

And you will have to believe that there is someone out there for you during this time of pain and insecurity.

But there’s always hope.

And there’s always good people out there.

It just may take work to get there and to do so safely for you.

And that’s okay

Take things slowly and one step at a time.