#also the susan thing has me genuinely very very hopeful

[billpottsismygf]

The Devil's Chord! This was my most highly anticipated episode of the series because of The Beatles - who I'm very nostalgic for, sue me - but they had a much smaller part than I expected. That may be for the best, as the actors don't look anything like the real deal, but they did an admirable job considering the circumstances.

I love the idea behind this one. I'm a musician myself and love things about music. Music being important, music being holy, I love it all. Everything from Maestro playing us into the theme tune, to the way it aligns with the characters' established personalities (the Doctor's jukebox and Ruby's band), made me very happy. The music battle was especially cool. Very The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Out there, but I liked it a lot.

Maestro was also a lot. I liked them, though. Great costumes, great performance. A campy villain in the best way. They're the Toymaker's child, which is interesting in itself, and I like that the rules around fair play seemed to extend to them as well.

There was a lot of series arc stuff here. So, Ruby has Carol of the Bells deeply ingrained within her. There was some important figure (another of the Pantheon, presumably) at her birth - is Ruby herself a child of the Pantheon? More snow, as well. There's also the One Who Waits coming up again. It all feels a little too self-conscious and crammed in - "remember, there's pay-off coming for these random mysteries that you have no context for!". I know we live in an era of heavily serialised media, in large part because of streaming and the binge model, and obviously Doctor Who has been semi-serialised since the revival, but it just seems like a lot. Maybe even too much, especially since the first episode was quite heavy with it too.

Although, I did wonder if this one was meant to be later in the series. First Ruby saying "you never hide" and then "you always know what to do" signaled a far longer association with the Doctor than she has had, but then it was especially jarring when she said it was hard to keep track of when her time is and it could be June or July... That sounds like someone who's been travelling with the Doctor for a while, not like someone who's on their second trip. And it was Christmas for her only last episode. Obviously there can be off-screen trips, but usually for the first couple of episodes we want to feel that this is the start of their journey as the audience gets to know them. Did this get plucked from later in the series and dropped into the episode 2 slot? Because it seems a bit of a shame, if so.

There was a lot of fourth wall breaking in this one as well. There was a wink to camera each from Maestro and the Doctor, as well as the Doctor's comment about thinking the music was non-diegetic (a nice little moment that probably a lot of people will miss). I do quite like a meta moment, and particularly loved the Twelfth Doctor's partaking in them, but I wonder if these serve a particular purpose, because we also had Mrs Flood talking to camera at the end of the Christmas special. Since RTD seems to be going with a theme that the rules of the universe have changed and become a bit more magical, I wouldn't be surprised if the meta elements tied in somehow.

Then, this is less meta and more fully surreal, but that whole ending musical number was... odd. I don't know what I think about it yet. The Doctor with his wink and "there's always a twist at the end" seemed to signal that we were leaving the normal reality of the show, but then... Did that musical number literally happen? How about the Abbey Road zebra crossing acting like a piano? It's part of my specific brand of autism that I struggle with surreal things when it's not clear how/whether they relate to the more realistic things going on, so maybe other people love it. It just made me feel confused, though, and slightly annoyed. I expected a musical number because the trailers showing this made that fairly clear, but I'd assumed it would be explicitly connected to the strange happenings of the episode. Instead it's just plonked at the end after everything has been fixed.

A lot of this latter stuff sounds quite negative, but overall I really liked this one! As I said before, the music stuff speaks to me personally very much, and I'll withhold final judgement about the serialisation stuff and even the meta/surreal stuff, as it may well pay off yet.

Small things

Love their outfits so much, and obviously we've known about them for a while, but it was funny they were worried about blending in when both of them (especially Ruby) were wearing pretty 60s adjacent outfits at the start. The Doctor was more 70s, but I don't think many people would have looked askance.

Ahhhh, Fifteen mentioning that One was in the junkyard made me exceedingly happy! The speculation about what happened to Susan also has me hoping beyond hope that this might be set-up for a Susan return.

I loved that extended instrumental scene where Ruby just played on the rooftop and people listened. It was quite moving!

Love hearing the word "lesbians" on Doctor Who <3 - I don't think even Bill explicitly got to use that word!

Just the general queerness is really nice. Ruby writing a song for her friend's gay break up. Maestro being they/them and it not really being a thing beyond their introduction. Ruby's mum having a "girlfriend" who was a Beatles fan that makes me wonder if that's in the platonic or gay sense.

I want to know the behind the scenes details of how they chose the music they did, especially when it comes to the chords that both summon and banish Maestro.

Henry the child is real and alive at the end! (Though it's during the musical number, so I guess real is dubious.) When he vanished into nothingness (and his music teacher didn't seem to care), I had thought he wasn't real. Does he have his own world-ending powers?

The Doctor referring to bigeneration as having had his soul "torn in half". Hmm, don't like that! I won't rehash my feelings on bigeneration here, but this implies that there is not continuity between the end of Fourteen and the start of Fifteen, which mucks up one of the only ways I could hold onto being just about okay with it.

[upslapmeal]

73 Yards

Doctor lite episode!! On the one hand these are usually good fun (and we've not had one since...Flatline kinda??) but with only 8 eps it's a shame to be missing out on Fifteen even more than just the reduced ep count!

ok so straight up getting the title without the title sequence

Doctor you’ve really got to watch where you’re walking this is becoming a problem

forget BSL I'm going to learn SLSL (spooky lady sign language)

Susan Twist!!

that was genuinely chilling......what on earth did spooky lady say

oh they completely got me with that fairy circle stuff

there I was thinking about how fairy tale the show had got and just fully buying into it lmao

lol poor Ruby with legitimate reason to think they didn't know about paying by phone #timetravellerproblems

ngl I'd kinda hoped she was in the past

would have caused some more problems

looks like they’ve fixed the kitchen ceiling!! Fifteen better have coughed up some cash for that

is Spooky Lady going to be like. Ruby from the future

oh the lady from the train window...actually genuinely unsettling congrats RTD

maybe this is going to be an Aliens of London situation where Ruby’s been gone for a year and it’s not actually 2024

oh lol no

I guess Fifteen and Ruby just used the time machine to.....go a few miles west lol

Mrs Flood!! always slightly suspicious

not Carla :(((

what can she possibly be saying about Ruby?????

‘even your real mother didn’t want you’ oh Ruby babes

nightmare scenario she must have imagined before and had Carla talk her out of :((((

Kate!!

‘I was hardly with him’ give us a concrete length of time!!!! are we talking less than 6 months

oh no

Ruby :(((((

world's most youthful 40 year old

skincare tip: have an unperceived lady who follows you wherever you go and was maybe created by a fairy circle drive away everyone you love so there's nobody but yourself you can stress about!

glad to know the people of 2046 are worried about the same stuff as now

2031 the Great Russian War nice let me stick that in the calendar

very Years and Years vibes

did Ruby…use Marty as bait to find out what Roger Ap Gwilliam is really like

she's been relentlessly positive in general this series so interesting to see this more (reluctantly) ruthless side to her

I wonder if younger Ruby who hadn't had a life of Spooky Lady would have made the same decision

the most fake thing is still using yards in 2046 lol

she got him!!

‘don’t worry everyone had abandoned me my whole life’ :(((

the abandoned tardis is sad and beautiful

it was Ruby from the future!!

the only person she has had with her all her life is herself, and the reason she only has herself is because herself has driven away the people she cares about most. and even herself is always distant

poor Ruby just a life of not allowing herself to form connections

so that was actually a fairy circle??

and why did she make everyone run away????

where did the Doctor vanish to!!

I want answers but also I feel like so answer would truly be satisfying

What an episode!! And I can't get over the fact that this was Millie's first episode, she really arrived and decided to make her presence Felt!!

[elizabethshaw]

hm. thinking thoughts

under the cut for spoiler reasons:

this is literally just me writing stuff up in no real order so there is probably not all that much coherence to it. ah well

loved how unsettling it was having something wrong with the tardis! the tardis (in the tv show at least) is usually the one guaranteed safe place in any given dr who episode and so to have it suddenly a threat like that felt genuinely unnerving

the time window sequence was cool. really liked the fuzzy, there-but-not-quite-there visual effects

i also loved the monologue/prophecy/whatever, built things up very nicely and idk. i just vibed with it. i have more to say but the words are not coming to me right now

"and standing on high is the Mother and Father and Other of them all" i haven't even read lungbarrow but them saying "other" here immediately got my attention lmao

for an episode called "the legend of ruby sunday", it felt like (particularly in the last third of the story), there was remarkably little actual focus on ruby. while i do genuinely like her as a companion, i do feel like she's been one of the biggest casualties of the shift to a shorter series length with less time for "filler" episodes - we simply haven't had the time to get to know her on a deeper level, and i was hoping, given the title, that this story would do something to rectify that a bit. and then it didn't.

saying that, i did appreciate them giving her some more scenes with her mum this episode, i think she has a really nice dynamic with her family and we haven't seen enough of it since the christmas special imo

no trickster :( he got a mention at least but i was hoping he'd be the villain ngl

i have watched pyramids of mars once, four years ago, and barely remember the plot (my main memories of that episode are sarah with a gun ngl), probably going to have to rewatch it before next week. dailymotion you may have to be my saviour once again

not entirely sure how i feel about sutekh as the main villain. this is at least in part because my memories of pyramids of mars are hazy as anything, but i'm just... undecided. to its credit, the episode itself actually did a good job of getting me very excited about the reveal while i was watching, but as an overall thing? i don't know yet. i think i'm going to have to wait until i've watched the finale next week to form a full opinion

i reckon he must have hitched himself onto the tardis around/during "wild blue yonder" though - this is the first time where the tardis starts making The Noises, and is also the first time susan twist turns up, and that can't be a coincidence, especially given that, as previously established, it was likely fourteen's salt trick in this episode that let the toymaker back into the universe

i rewatched "the church on ruby road" earlier this week bc i figured it'd be a good shout and i hadn't watched it since broadcast, and during that i felt like mrs flood was maybe a "retired" companion, possibly a future companion (maybe of a future doctor) that we haven't met yet. after this ep though, i'm not so sure. she seems at least aware of sutekh in some way, and also seems potentially antagonistic, but i'm not sure she's actually directly linked to him. i'm fairly sure as well rtd said at some point she's more of a mystery for later series so. hm. it'll be interesting to see what more we get of her in part two

i can't shake the feeling that they are going to do something with susan further down the line. there have been more mentions of her in this series than in basically the rest of new who put together and i can't help but think that this must be for a reason even if susan twist wasn't her

anyway the real mystery for me: what is the vlinx. i have been thinking about this on and off since december. what is it. how did it get into unit to begin with. i need answers

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi! I really admire you for always taking time to give advice to everyone and always having a kind and wise word for people. today I'm the one asking for advice.

I was very awkward at work today, and I just started. I always know how to make good first impressions but I always loose control once we move past it, because there's so many parameters I just can't be socially correct, I never pick the right things to say or do. sometimes I just start talking, about myself often, and then I just feel like I only talk about myself and I take all the space. I don't like it but it feels like I only care about me and want everyone to revolve around me. it's like I can't help it.

do you have any ideas (no pressure) on how to deal with that better, by any means? I tried not using the word "i" too much before but I ended up counting each time I said "I" and it wasn't a nice place for me. I don't know how else to stop myself from taking the space...

I hope you are having a good day, and I'm wishing you luck with the other asks, and also anything you might need luck for!! keep it up!!!

ps: I'm also a bit excited about getting an anon name, not going to lie :)

Are we the same person? I feel like we're the same person.

Honestly, as a neurodivergent person I struggle with this so much. It's not like I don't care, it's just that it's genuinely difficult, especially with people who like...aren't friends or I don't have a lot in common with. The way I deal with it is:

I honestly don't try with every coworker. If I did, I would tap out my social battery. If we don't talk a lot, they're kind of mean, or whatever, then I don't worry about it. You can't win over everyone.

With the coworkers I care about, either because they're genuinely nice people or because I need to work together with them, I try to remember at least one important thing to them. 'Susan' has a kid in college who's struggling. 'Beckey' has a five year old. 'Amanda' has two dogs that she loves. I may not know their whole story, but I know enough to ask about something that's important to them.

If I notice I'm talking too much about myself/my interests, I try to change the subject by either asking someone else's opinion on the subject (people LOVE to share their opinions) or asking them about that thing I know about them.

If a coworker talks about an important day coming up (birthday, kid's surgery that they're worried about, whatever) I put it in my phone, so I remember to ask them about it. That way they feel listened to.

Try to find one or two people at work that you don't have to overthink with. When you're feeling overwhelmed or tired, seek those people out and just chill.

I know it sounds like...calculated, I guess? But again, it's not that I don't care at all, it's just that my brain really struggles to grab into things that aren't my special interests or that don't have to do with the people I'm really close to. So I try to make up for it in other ways.

Naming you excited anon :)

[safifonhasstrel]

what's your thoughts on sd's newsletter on witchshadow and ppl's reaction to it? art's meant to be analyzed and adored AND criticized and imo it's reasonable to express frustration when the book we paid for with our hard earned money doesn't live up to what's promised

Yeah honestly I am with you on this, anon. I think she's taking the criticism a bit too personally, which she really shouldn't. It's hard, I know that all too well. I am on my way to unlearn that too, so i know its easier said than done.

Every piece of media can, should, and will be criticised. That's just how it works. It's also very valid for the people who payed for said piece of media, not just with their money but also with their time, to be upset about things. I feel very bad for her and I know she went through a lot. I am glad everything worked out fine for her. But if I want to truthfully review something, I cannot think about what the creator might have went through. Then I wouldn't be able to give my honest opinion and we would have a whole bunch of 5 star rated books and reviews would no longer be valuable.

I myself have tried my best to be respectful in my review and give valid examples. I cannot speak for everyone though, and that people have contacted her personally is nuts. But people should be able to post freely on their own social media. I think, or I hope, that she knows that.

I am a bit annoyed about the bit saying it's fine if the book is confusing at first and readers will be able to catch up. It wasn't just confusing at first. Witchshadow genuinely made me feel stupid. Because some plot points were never mentioned before! Like the paladin who has taken over Aeduan, whose name I have already forgotten because that felt so random, and the hellbard loom. I did an entire reread of the series before starting Witchshadow, and non of these things were mentioned before. I even went back and checked again. That was one of my main complaint. Things that have never been mentioned before suddenly being more important than what we already know, and we as reader are just supposed to roll with it. Same with retconning relationships, and focusing on the wrong things/characters. Why was Iseult's book, a book she's been most excited for, centred around the Hellbards??? I genuinely couldn't care less about them, but I know a portion of the fandom loves them, but really? I was expecting to learn so must about nomatsi culture but we got so little. It didn't really feel like Iseult's book at all. I think that's incredibly valid criticism. I am not sure if she would agree with this, but it is what it is. Again, not to be taken personally please. We are all adults.

Also, taking advice from someone about a series you are writing, who hasn't read said series, even if they are your friend, is a CHOICE. While I loath time jumps in general, they CAN work for some stories. But the Witchlands is simply too complex for that.

And oh boy, that got way too long. But valid criticism is supposed to help you grow. And as my boss told me when I was facing a lot of difficulties and hard choices, that, too, is incredibly valuable for you to grow as a person. It sounds harsh at first, but it's true.

Anyway, I hope no one is going to come after me or any person who has criticised the book. I really don't want Susan to feel bad, but readers negative feelings are valid too.

Now I am gonna shut up.

[scxttershot]

So I copied this over from my Discord rants last night - a brief text-based analysis of Floyd Lawton's character depth.

Re. Possessing no outward feelings except sarcasm and general assholery, suppresses everything else, subconscious belief that we deserve to be punished, chronic intimacy issues probably stemming from how fucked up his family is, actively suicidal with a death wish, debatably has 0 redeeming qualities on the surface, generally homicidal [bitch me too to all of this!!!!]. Despite everything, Floyd cares. He wouldn't be around other people by choice if he didn't. Waller has canonically offered him the chance to walk several times, as he's served multiple sentences. He wouldn't have damn near agreed with Peter/Ragdoll saying the Secret Six were his family if he didn't. Wouldn't have manipulated a doctor at gunpoint into telling a young woman who he at that point barely knew that she didn't accidentally cause her father's end stage lung cancer re. Lori/Black Alice. Also yeah his flings with Jeannette, Michelle, etc. were a lot more than just sex if you read Deadshot: Bulletproof or Gail Simone's Secret Six series, there's actual romance and protective feelings there. Susan Lawton who knows, it's hard to say and I really think what they had completely fell apart after their son was murdered, + her character wasn't super developed. In any case it's the classic machismo thing of "showing human emotion makes you weak and a liability" coupled with what I'm damned sure is PTSD. The reaper follows Lawton like a shadow. re. The Get Out of Hell card, he specifically steals it because he doesn't want to watch the Six tear each other apart over it. Also re. Floyd cares, 1987 Suicide Squad: he went with Digger to Digger's mother's funeral as a plus one and stuck around without even being asked. Meanwhile the entire time he's claiming not to like Captain Boomerang.

 And eventually, Floyd breaks out of that hard shell a little. It takes fucking RAGDOLL calling him [and Catman] out over it, and it's literally the final issue of the 2008 Secret Six series, but he's genuinely concerned and pained when Catman gets shot. For reference. If the guy who replaced all his joints with cybernetics and banged his own sister calls you out and makes an actually good point while doing so, that is both concerning and something you should probably listen to. Earlier in the run he also cares enough about Thomas to ask him personally to chaperone a date with Jeannette because Floyd is legitimately scared she'll take advantage of him, also. Is that referring to physically? Sexually? Emotionally? Probably all three. But nothing happens. Like. Damn. There's not a lot of content that goes out of its way to specifically show that a lot of Floyd's generally abrasive personality is an act. AS IT STANDS given pre-Crisis on Infinite Earths Floyd Lawton, lately DC has made him far too sympathetic for a homicidal contract killer. There is a very fine line between "likeable asshole" and "this is watered down to the point where sometimes it's but the vapor of a character". We need a balance, DC. And I hope, one day, someone can write that again.

[cdaae]

Hi, I know this is long but I wanted to talk about this, cause I don't think I can on my personal account. Reading everything about the POTO author is very disappointing to me. I read the first book and looked forward to the sequel. I did have some qualms about the two characters of color and I was concerned in how one of them perpetuates the "Woc is only there as support for their white friend" trope, but I was hoping this would get improved with the sequel. As I've been going through the sequel though, more of my concerns are being validated. There's frequent use of slurs regarding mixed-race people and said character is still only used as character development for Christine. Also, despite the author claiming they created Christine to be relatable to all people, its very hard to imagine her as anything but white/white passing when confirmed characters of color in the series are constantly degraded and dismissed for being Brown and Black. Now reading all the history regarding the author, I'm not surprised the characters of color are being treated this way. As a Black phan that loves Phantom immensely, it's sometimes hard being in this space and even being an e/c shipper when a lot of the aesthetics in this franchise are focused on whiteness and associating it with purity and good. While this series alone has its issue, I do think its important to note that a lot of Phantom work has issues regarding race whether its stereotyping (Kay) or erasure (ALW) so its a little unfair to single out this one creator. However, maybe this could be a good opportunity in analyzing the racial issues regarding this franchise as a whole! I'm genuinely thinking of writing my own version of POTO with e/c being poc because it's a perspective not explored yet

Thanks for listening! Love your account!

I don't necessarily feel it's unfair but she's also not being singled out for her racism in a phantom work but rather the fact that she's not only racist but a serious bully and is continuing both of these behaviors using her work and her platform. Race is definitely a phandom issue, but it's not the only issue with this particular author. Not to take away from anything you said though- you're absolutely valid in your assessment of the phandom.

The fascination with Kay has always bothered me- I could never get into it because of the problematic elements, but it's still something you have to be aware of when navigating the phandom because it's so popular. I actually think it's quite funny because this author dislikes Susan Kay but they're extremely similar- Older women clearly horny for the phantom and clearly writing with ALW in mind claiming to be adding on to Leroux but just making a mediocre book that doesn't fit in his canon at all with some added racism for good measure.

And yeah, her Christine sounds lifted out of ALW, and honestly, so does the phantom, since she still gave him a white mask. She also seemed to argue that Christine should be a brunette in the show because it looks better on women of color over blonde and that didn't sit right with me. Women of color with dark hair keep the "Christine look" according to her.

I'm disappointed but not surprised that the second book has the same issues. It's such an unnecessary thing to add to a phantom story. Meanwhile she had a video a while back essentially bragging about adding pocs and queer characters to her story like she's making strides for representation.

I do hope you write your poc phantom. Our phandom does need more representation, but it needs to come from the right place. You might also enjoy Music of the Night by Angela Ford. I haven't read it(yet), but I was told that Christine is black and the cover art supports this. But I don't think I've seen one where Erik and Christine both are poc.

Thank you for voicing your thoughts and please let me know if you write that story <3

[crows-murder]

20 questions for writers

thanks for the tag @they-reap-what-we-sow!! <33 💜💜

1. how many works do you have on AO3?

92! my goal for the end of the year is to get to 100!

2. what's your total AO3 word count?

545,947 which is an insane number ajskdsl

3. what fandoms do you write for?

i've written for a lot of fandoms, but my current active ones are MacGyver (2016), ROTTMNT, and the batfam

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

buried hope - tim spends another birthday alone and makes bad decisions, lots of angst and some jason being (reluctantly) protective, my favorite thing. krow made me a cover for this fic and i absolutely ADORE IT.

Familial Bonds - crack-ish fic where the fam finds out tim has been minus a spleen for months and didn't tell anyone. i have an angstier version of this fic lmfao.

Late Night Encounters - a classic! it is so very dear to me. jason meets tim late one night after patrol and doesn't realize he's looking at tim drake, the robin he's sort of trying to murk, and ends up really caring for this tiny little kid.

My House of Stone, Your Ivy Grows - jason rescues tim as a civilian and his attempt at getting revenge is thwarted by big brother protective instincts. a CLASSIC TROPE.

Fever Dream - tim has a nightmare the night jason as red hood shows up at titan tower and thinks he's straight up hallucinating jason lmao.

5. do you respond to comments?

i try my best but i am a very anxious person and i tend to bluescreen anytime i receive praise and all i think i could manage to say in reply is just keyboard smash. sometimes if i'm asked a question or if it's a close friend, i'll reply.

usually it takes me a long time to do so, but i'm trying to be better at replying to comments 💪

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oh i've got a few hurt/no comfort fics but i think i'd have to say my one and only MCD fic. it's part of my urban fantasy series that is very dear to me <3 i DID cry writing it, yes.

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i have a handful of fluff fics with no or minimal angst, but i think my favorite one is this extremely silly one i wrote for my urban fantasy AU, Summer Memories, with dick and jason

8. do you get hate on fics?

rarely, which i'm so thankful for. i don't even bother wasting my time with those, i just immediately delete them.

9. do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i don't lol.

10. do you write crossovers?

not really. i have exactly one (1) crossover fic and it's actually the very first fic i posted on ao3!

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

as far as i'm aware, nope.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no, not yet!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes! there's a round robin fic i wrote with my friends in our batfam server!! it was genuinely so much fun i'd absolutely love to do another round robin fic.

i also have a 911 series with @dottie-wan-kenobi and @they-reap-what-we-sow that originated as a discord thread where we gave buck a daughter pre him joining the 118 (that i have yet to post something for. one day, i promise). it's one of my favorite AUs we came up with, and boy did we come up with a lot of those lmao.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

honestly? probably several, but i'm currently rewatching narnia with my sisters and susan pevensie and prince caspian had SUCH an impact on 7 year old me.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

oh boy. i don't talk about this fic for several reasons (one of them being that it was written when i was very new to the batfam fandom and the way i wrote most characters was influenced by fanon, which i've definitely grown past now) but Born to Run is a fic i'm... unfortunately not sure i'll ever finish. maybe one day i'll rewrite it because i still really like the concept, but i'm focused on other projects and it's not actually very high up on my list of WIPs.

(i think you can tell i was really new to the fandom with that fic, and to fic writing in general (prior to this fic i'd only written like, 3 others?) my writing has improved a LOT since then and i cringe just thinking about my old writing)

16. What are your writing strengths?

oh boy lmao. i suck at answering questions like that because i tend to fixate much more on my weaknesses lol.

but i think i'm good at describing settings and feelings. i've been told in comments before that i'm very good at immersing my readers in the story i'm telling, which is the compliment EVER actually.

i also like to think i write good, human dialogue because i act it out a LOT with myself and probably look insane to anyone looking at me asjdskdfld

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

unless i can have a native speaker to check the grammar of the sentence for me, i don't usually write dialogue in another language. i don't trust google translate. anyway i do prefer writing the dialogue in english and in the dialogue tags add "she said in [x language]"

19. First fandom you wrote for?

oh boy. fucking voltron back in 2018.

20. Favourite fic you've written?

oh. i'm very critical of my own writing but i DO have several favorite fics!! it's hard to pick just one but. shamelessly putting the steph-centric fic i posted back in february bc i love it very much <3

no pressure tags @witchofthemoss @goldenraeofsun @cuephrase @a-canceled-stamp @silverandsunflowers @fleur-de-violette and anyone else who wants to do this! <3

[aaronstveit]

jaaaaamie i need book recs pretty please; you know what i like :) (also HOW ARE YOU ILY)

hiiii arwen my beloved!!!! i'm good, how are you? 💛💛

this is truly so much pressure.... i genuinely have five tabs open just to answer this ask, it's that serious. i don't know if you've read some of these but i hope there's at least something on this list you enjoy!!

first things first you can always check out my book recs tag or my goodreads <3 i have an all-time favorites shelf and shelves of my favorites each year if you're interested!

putting the recommendations beneath the cut because this got longggg omg

Sawkill Girls by Claire Legrand — Young adult, horror, mystery, LGBTQ+. Three teenage girls come together to fight a dark and magical force that has been killing young women on Sawkill Island for decades.

Cover Story by Susan Rigetti — Adult, contemporary, crime. A young woman becomes trapped in a con artist's elaborate web.

To Break a Covenant by Alison Ames — Young adult, paranormal horror, LGBTQ+. A group of close friends investigate the haunted mines beneath their town.

Hangsaman by Shirley Jackson — Coming of age, historical, understated. A young woman leaves home to attend a women's college. (Jamie's note: the summary of this book says it's loosely based on a real-life disappearance. There's no evidence this is true other than the fact that Shirley Jackson lived in the same town as the missing young woman and her husband taught at the college the young woman attended.) This a strange book with little actual plot — it's much more a character study of our main character, Natalie. That said, I really loved this book. It's very fascinating to try to piece together what is really happening in Natalie's life and what is her imagination running away from her as a coping mechanism.

56 Days by Catherine Ryan Howard — Adult, mystery thriller, contemporary. Over the course of 56 days at the very beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic, two people go from strangers to living together - and then one of them is murdered. This is one of the strangest and twistiest books I've read in the last few years and I am still not completely sure how to feel about it.

The Woman in the Library by Sulari Gentill — Adult, mystery thriller, story in a story. Four strangers are sitting together at a table in the library when a scream sends the building into lockdown. While they wait to be cleared to leave, the strangers become friends. Later that day, a dead body is found in the library. One of the four characters from the table is the killer. But how, and why? And then, of course, there's the other story.... This book genuinely creeped me out. The dual storylines aren't for everyone but I personally loved it.

Rules for Vanishing by Kate Alice Marshall — Young adult, paranormal horror, LGBTQ+. In the faux-documentary style of The Blair Witch Project comes the campfire story of a missing girl, a vengeful ghost, and the girl who is determined to find her sister—at all costs. A group of teens disappear into the woods in the middle of the night to play a game that will help them find the ghost of a lost girl and the main character's missing sister. I believe my review of this book describes it as "a mindfuck and a half."

The Cartographers by Peng Shepherd — Adult, contemporary fantasy, mystery. A famous cartographer is murdered and his estranged daughter, whose academic reputation he singlehandedly destroyed, begins to investigate his death. This book has rare maps, one of the most original magic systems I've read, second-chance romance, dual storylines (with flashbacks that I found, at times, more interesting than the modern storyline) and a main character named Nell. What isn't to enjoy?

Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson — Adult, mystery, humor. A man attends a family reunion at an isolated ski lodge where the members of his family are slowly but surely being murdered. I believe I've recommended this one to you before! It was silly and definitely a love letter to golden age mysteries. A little outrageous at times, but it definitely kept me interested.

Firekeeper's Daughter by Angeline Boulley — Young adult, mystery, romance. A teenage biracial Native girl witnesses a murder and is thrust into an undercover investigation inside her close-knit community. This book made me cry approximately a billion times. I have my problems with the romance portion, but this book truly blew me away. It's a slow-build that tackles a lot of topics but ultimately I think it does a phenomenal job.

I'm the Girl by Courtney Summers — Young adult, mystery thriller, LGBTQ+. A teenage girl discovers a dead body on the side of the road and quickly finds herself thrown into a world of luxury, opulence, and violence. It's dark and uncomfortable, but it's also a powerful and emotional read. Also includes a nod to Summers' earlier novel, Sadie. (If you haven't read Sadie, I also highly recommend it! Very gripping and dark YA mystery novel.)

Portrait of a Thief by Grace D. Li — Young adult, crime, contemporary. The story of a group of young Chinese American adults who plan to steal back stolen Chinese art on the dime of a mysterious benefactor. This story is a lot more about the characters and their lives than it is about the heists, so make sure you're ready for that going in. This is a stunning, fast-paced novel with multiple POVs and characters you can't help but love.

Ace of Spades by Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé — Young adult, mystery thriller, dark academia. Comped as "Get Out meets Gossip Girl," this is the story of (the only) two Black students at a private school with a sinister secret.

The Girls I've Been by Tess Sharpe — Young adult, thriller, LGBTQ+. Seventeen-year-old Nora, her girlfriend, and her best friend are trapped in a bank while it's being robbed. Or are the robbers trapped in the bank with Nora?

The Dead and the Dark by Courtney Gould — Young adult, paranormal horror, LGBTQ+. A book about a small town, the things that lurk in the dark, and two teenage girls who team up to discover what is haunting their home and killing their friends.

Check, Please! by Ngozi Ukazu — Graphic novel, sports, LGBTQ+. This series follows Eric Bittle, a gay hockey player at a liberal arts college. There are few series that hold as special a place in my heart as this one. It's got found family, a cast of the most lovable characters you'll ever meet, baking, vlogging, romance, and more. Just writing this recommendation makes me wanna reread right now.

Perfect on Paper by Sophie Gonzales — Young adult, romance, LGBTQ+. A teenage girl who sells love advice anonymously is hired by a classmate to help him win back his girlfriend. This book is for the bisexuals. It's also probably my favorite YA romance in the world.

okay this is getting out of hand so i'm gonna end it here. i hope there's something here that you enjoy <3333 and i also hope you haven't read all of these because that would be so awkward </3 anyway ilysm arwen!!! 💕💗

Trigger warnings: (Preface to the trigger warnings: I'm listing these a while out from reading them so these lists may be incomplete, I recommend checking out reviews as well to get a more complete picture.)

Sawkill Girls: murder, death of a parent, death of a sibling, grief, grooming, body horror, child abuse and neglect, suicidal ideation, misogyny

Cover Story: car accident

To Break a Covenant: death, loss of a loved one, gore, animal death, mention of suicide attempt, child abandonment

Hangsaman: implied sexual assault, misogyny

56 Days: murder, suicide, death of a loved one

The Woman in the Library: murder, mentions of sexual assault, stalking

Rules for Vanishing: death, loss of a loved one, murder

The Cartographers: murder, death of a loved one, fire

Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone: murder, death of a loved one, death of a child, drowning

Firekeeper's Daughter: murder, suicide, rape, drug use and addiction, gun violence, grief, kidnapping, racism, misogyny

I'm the Girl: Murder, sexual assault, grooming, death of a loved one, grief, suicide

Portrait of a Thief: generational trauma, colonialism

Ace of Spades: racism, homophobia, stalking, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, murder, car accident, forced outing, bullying, panic attacks, gun violence

The Girls I've Been: listed by the author here

The Dead and the Dark: murder, drowning, major character death, homophobia, hate crimes, grief

Check, Please!: homophobia, anxiety, overdose, sports-related injuries, sports-related violence, internalized biphobia, bullying

Perfect on Paper: biphobia, underage drinking, divorce, cheating

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

I'd like to get a ship from Percy Jackson and Narnia. My pronouns are she/her, and I'm bisexual (with a huge preference for women) I'm around 5'5, overweight, I have pale skin, brown hair and blue/green eyes. I'm a ISFP, Gryffindor, an Poseidon's daughter and Apollo's legacy. I'm introvert but I actually like people a lot, it's hard for me to make friends but once I met the right people I'm fun to be around, and I'm a good friend. I like spending time with my friends and family but I also like spending some time alone. I'm fun and a nice person, maybe a bit intense, I'm open minded, and I care a lot about other's people opinion about me. I'm smart but I like to play dumb once in a while, and I'm also quite childish, but at the same time I'm responsible in the moments I have to. Likes: Rom-Coms, pop and rock music, musicals, greek mythology, Harry Potter, I like car rides, the color blue, sunset and sunrises, football (soccer). Dislikes: Irresponsible teammates, people giving me dirty looks for no reason, being ignored. Social injustices, people closed minded, people that think they can get what they want just because they have money or whatever. Hobbies: Planning activities for kids, playing the guitar, playing football (soccer), composing music and watching movies or series. Sign: Scorpio Rising sign: Capricorn Moon: Virgo

Thank you so much, I hope you have a great day.

Hi Anon! Thank you for your request! Sorry it took a while. I hope you like your matchups!

In Percy Jackson, I match you with...

Annabeth is so glad you like Greek mythology. Sure, everyone in camp has to have some interest in the myths they deal with on a daily basis. But having someone who’s genuinely interested in it? That’s a nice change.

She’d love talking to you about mythology and hearing your opinions on different variations on the stories. She’s also quite open minded so she likes considering all viewpoints.

She enjoys listening to you play guitar. Annabeth appreciates music from a very technical perspective but when she listens to you play, she’s able to relax her mind and just listen.

One of the most responsible people in the entirety of Camp Half-Blood. She’s very motivated and dedicated to her projects and those she cares about.

She may get busy sometimes and ignore you but please know that it’s never intentional. She loves your company, she just gets overwhelmed by work sometimes.

In Narnia, I match you with...

Two smart boss women in one matchup? You certainly are lucky!

Much like Annabeth, Susan is a very responsible person. As a result, she sometimes gets overwhelmed by her workload.

Please spend time with her when she’s especially busy. She enjoys being in your presence, even if you’re unable to do the same thing or talk too much.

Susan would love watching the sunrise and sunset with you. It’s some of the one time she has free in her busy routine so she likes being able to spend time with you at least twice a day.

I see Susan as someone who likes musicals since they’re (most of the time) well crafted and take a lot of planning and skill. That’s something she can appreciate.

[bambiesque]

New thread for Davison!Doctor:

Serial: Castrovalva - Everyone is wonderful. I love Davison!Doctor so much and I love his affecting the mannerisms of the earlier Doctors. He has Hartnell!Doctor's annoying little laugh down.

Serial: Four to Doomsday - An enjoyable story and very diverse for a change. I hope the androids found a nice home.

Serial: Kinda - Weird but interesting. I love Tegan so much. I'm glad we got to keep Nyssa too.

Serial: The Visitation - The androids are very sparkly. Nyssa is clearly the Doctor's favourite because she does as she's told or tries to help in practical ways. Tegan is reaching Sarah Jane levels of brainwashing, poor thing.

Serial: Black Orchid - Love Davison!Doctor wanting to be train driver and getting to play cricket. Also Tegan being a cricket fan. Two Nyssas and Tegan dressed as a flower fairy. I love this one.

Serial: Earthshock - Oh we're back in our favourite filming location - a quarry. Brave heart, Tegan. <3 The Cybermen are hilarious this serial. The ending was very sad. Poor Adric. I didn't hate you like I used to.

Serial: Time-Flight - The Master is back in another terrible disguise. The Doctor has to be pretending that he doesn't recognise him at this point. An enjoyable story with a cliffhanger ending (sort of).

Serial: Arc of Infinity - Nyssa is a badass this serial and I love her even more because of it. More Gallifreyan shennanigans so obviously a fave. Colin Baker making his first appearance. And a Leela mention!

Serial: Snakedance - Martin Clunes wins this story - genuinely the best I've ever seen him. I like Nyssa's new clothes and the Doctor not giving a damn about them. I want to hug Tegan.

Serial: Mawdryn Undead - Turlough, my love, you are such a little shit. The Brig is back! I love this story so much. Different timelines, two Brigadiers, baby Tegan and Nyssa, Turlough the snarky space twink. No notes.

(Actually, one note: Why is there not more 5/Turlough fic?)

Serial: Terminus - Quite a slow one and not one of the best. I'm sad to see Nyssa go though. I will miss her.

Serial: Enlightenment - One of my all time favorite stories. Everyone is wonderful. Tegan in her beautiful dress <3 PIrates. "Your companion is a beautiful woman" / "Is she?". Turlough being a sad puppy but a very good boy.

Serial: The King's Demons - The Master in another "disguise". Tegan in a magnificent coat. Aww The Doctor and The Master are having another swordfight. Just kiss you idiots!

Special: The Five Doctors - This is the story I have watched the most in my life and I love it. I love all the Doctors meeting and the companions meeting - Five meeting Susan again - and the phantoms of Mike, Liz, Jamie and Zoe. The Master being excellent. Tegan getting to spend time with the grumpiest Doctor of them all. Turlough doing his art. The Brig getting to punch the Master. Dinah Sheridan. Rassilon. Borusa getting his (creepy af) comeuppance. The Doctor becoming President. <3

Serial: Warriors of the Deep - Davison!Doctor is all wet (be still my heart). Turlough jumps to the worst conclusions even quicker than I do. What's the point of having TARDIS keys if you never use them? Turlough being a badass there. The production isn't great but the story is a good one.

Serial: The Awakening - The crack in the wall looks suspiciously like the crack in Amy's wall. Tegan has another pretty(ish) dress but is going to be burnt at the stake/maypole. This is bonkers but lots of fun.

Serial: Frontios - Another good one. Giant woodlice. Turlough defending the Doctor with a hatstand. Actually poor Turlough really goes through it in this serial bless him. Kudos to Tegan for running around all those tunnels in her heels.

Serial: Resurrection of the Daleks - So much death! Really this is just 90 minutes of people dying. I'm so sad my darling Tegan has gone. That ending made me cry.

Serial: Planet of Fire - Turlough and Five are on honeymoon. Thank you to whoever put Mark in those shorts and Nicola in that whole outfit. I am an easily pleased bisexual. The Master is here looking quite dapper and not in a stupid disguise for a change. And Turlough is leaving too - now I'm crying again.

Serial: The Caves of Androzani - An excellent send off for my fave. Great story, great performances. The Doctor being a big damn hero. And then seeing all the companions again when he regenerated. So good.

Davison!Doctor Era Round-up

Favourite Companion: Tegan Jovanka - my love.

Least favourite Companion: Kamelion - kind of pointless.

Favourite Serial: Enlightenment / The Five Doctors

Least Favourite Serial: Terminus

Davison!Doctor is MY Doctor. He projects the weariness of age despite being (so far) the youngest Doctor. He's smiley and kind but at the same time, serious and determined. I love him.

Current Doctor standings

Davison

Pertwee

TBaker

Troughton

Hartnell

Current Top 10 Companions

Jo Grant

Tegan Jovanka

Barbara Wright

Vislor Turlough

Sarah Jane Smith

Nyssa of Traken

Brigadier Lethbridge Stewart

Leela

Romana II

Zoe

[rawwkfingers]

The Dominators

A pretty average serial, not bad but also not necessarily strong either; tbh I don't have much to say about the actual serial itself

Once again we've missed a lot due to missing episodes: the introduction of Lethbridge-Stewart, the first appearance of the sonic screwdriver, Victoria's departure and Zoe joining the cast. Thankfully there aren't too many more missing episodes

The sexism is really starting to show here, even more so than it did in the First Doctor's era imo. Yes, Susan, Vicki, and Dodo were largely damsels in distress but they all had some influence on the plot and were treated with respect to their autonomy. And Barbara was genuinely fantastic

With the Second Doctor we have: Polly, who was introduced as being a great people person but relegated to just making coffee for the men as they talked, and Victoria, who I don't think had a single impact on any plots she was in until her final episode where she's so good at screaming she defeats the sound-sensitive aliens

I have really high hopes that Zoe will be different; she's introduced as a mathematical genius from the future who can calculate complex equations in her head. And she did a lot of that in this serial, her first as a companion. She helped the Doctor figure out what powered the Dominator ship and, while the plot involving the council of elders or whatever kind of fizzled out, she was well-written in her scenes with them as well

That being said, I did notice that in her very first serial they changed her out of her cool space outfit and into a piece that showed as much thigh and chest as they could get away with in the 60s. Which makes me think about how recently all of the actresses cast to be companions have been classically Hollywood beautiful and have their appearance commented on by the characters often. Which then also makes me think about how later companions also have the reputation of being cast to be little more than eye candy

Which, to be honest, if they're written well I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing! Billie, Freema, Karen, and Jenna are all extremely beautiful women but their characters are also strong enough on their own merits and their story arc doesn't revolve around being "something for the dads" as has been said about previous companions.

I'm just hope that Zoe (and Wendy as an actress) get the treatment that modern companions got but I have plenty of reasons to doubt she will unfortunately. As it is now though, I'm enjoying her and Jamie and the Second Doctor quite a lot

Also, I forgot to rank last seasons episodes but there's only two so its an easy fix

The Enemy of the World. Cool idea with some really great twists, genuinely fantastic stuff

The Tomb of the Cybermen. A pulp science fiction story that I would have liked if it hadn't included all the negative elements of pulp as well

[mhysa-leesi]

му вℓσσ∂у ναℓєηтιηє

{Gif Source} {Gif Source 2}

Pairing: Dark!Steve Rogers 𝒳 (femme) Reader 🩸.

Summary: "Steve Rogers is madly in love with you and he'll do anything for you to see that--no matter who gets in his way."

Word Count: 4,765 (Sorry, this is a long one!)

TW‼: Non-Con, Smut, Stalking, Yandere Themes, Murder (Description of Side-Character Death), Blood, Description of Gore, and Strong Language. 18+ ONLY, MINORS DNI‼

AN: This story contains adult and dark themes, please do not proceed if you are under the age of 18 or if ANY of these warnings upset you! I am not responsible for your media consumption–you and only you are. Also, I used one of the prompts from (@the-modern-typewriter) to describe a character's death, ALL CREDIT GOES TO THEM. 𝒯𝒽𝒶𝓃𝓀 𝓎𝑜𝓊.

AN Cont.: If you or anyone you know has been a victim of sexual violence, please reach out for help. I do not condone ANY of the actions described in this story, this is merely a work of FICTION.

The first love letter was delivered on a gloomy Friday afternoon. The clouds above the city were dark and full of frigid torrents of rainfall. Gold and scarlet autumn leaves whispered against the chilly winds as acorns scattered about; rolling and cracking underfoot as you made your everyday walk to work. You had chosen to stray from your usual route that day, deciding on a new corner coffee shop instead of your normal stop.

You remembered that day clearly, as if it had happened just yesterday. The new coffee shop was a small, hole in the wall with plastic vines of ivy and fairylights rimming the framework of the inside. You ordered rich and dark coffees, with creamy oat milk for you and your coworkers, and an apple pecan oatmeal cookie for yourself.

Your workday was seemingly the same as any other. Pam was gossiping with Susan, and Scott was hiding from Mark, your manager, in the breakroom. You remember you were seated at your cubicle when things turned, staring at the rain against the window, and tapping your pen against your notepad, when you were startled by the mail carrier. He handed you a single, pink envelope with a heart stamp on its flap and left with a mumbled “you’re welcome”. You frowned as there was no return address or other name besides yours. You had opened it anyway.

You remembered how your frown had deepened as your stomach dropped. The paper trembled in your hands as you stared at the small heart sketched at the bottom. You frantically looked around the office for any sign of a joke, hoping to see one of your coworkers giggling at your shocked reaction. But everyone had their noses deep into their screens, typing away at their work. You turned the letter over, looking for a name or a clue as to who had sent it. But it was blank.

And you remembered how you had crumpled up the letter and tossed it as you refocused and finished the rest of that workday.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Weeks passed before you got another mysterious love letter delivered to your desk, a small bouquet of roses and baby’s-breath with it. And again, you crumpled it up and threw it away; leaving the flowers in the breakroom. You had made a mental note that day to talk to the mailman about the delivery of these letters.

For a time they stopped and you thought you were out of the woods or thought your secret admirer had lost interest at the very least. But you were wrong. Your third envelope had been waiting for you in your mailbox when you had gotten home from work one Monday evening. You didn’t bother opening it as you sent it straight to the garbage.

You were growing paranoid and antsy as you constantly looked over your shoulder. You’d freeze every time you came across an envelope, even if it was just your monthly rent notice or bank statement. You had refused to live like this, in a constant state of anxiety and fear, so, that’s how you found yourself moving into a new apartment across town.

You were met with months of peace, you were finally readjusting to life before the letters. You had even moved in with someone you had been seeing from your new job, Chris. He was perfect, someone straight from a romance novel; tall, dark, and handsome, with a taste for adventure and romance. You were happy with him--you were in love and had long since decided that if Chris were to ask you to marry him, you’d say yes in a heartbeat.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today was your anniversary with Chris, and the two of you had an entire evening planned. Dinner at your favorite restaurant, a surprise showing of your favorite movie at the corner cinema, and then home, where you’d give him his gift. A red lacy lingerie set with fuzzy handcuffs, and a silk blindfold to match.

Your heart skipped and your stomach alighted with butterflies as you touched up your makeup in the bathroom mirror. The evening had been absolutely perfect and it was about to get even better. You stepped out into the bedroom, dressed in nothing but red lace and a bathrobe. A spritz of perfume here and a mint there, and you were ready to go surprise your man.

You walked out into the living room and seductively leaned against the wall, watching as he poured two glasses of red wine. He turned and froze, swallowing hard as he abandoned the drinks on the kitchen counter. You smirked as he pulled you to him by your hips, instantly locking his lips to yours. He looked down at you through his eyelashes, his deep brown eyes darkened with lust, and you couldn’t help but bite your lip. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him down to your lips once more.

Your eyes closed and moaned as he peppered kisses along the curve of your neck, tilting your head back to give him better access. His hands roamed your body hotly, squeezing and caressing your dips and curves. Chris entangled his hands in your hair as he moved you to the counter, lifting you up as if you weighed nothing. He pushed your robe down your shoulders to reveal the red lace hidden underneath, and with a groan, he bent to trace the rosette lacework that covered your breasts with his tongue. You hummed and wrapped your legs around his waist, your hands running down his back to toy with the bottom hem.

Chris gently pushed you down to an angle as he kissed down your body, stopping just below your navel to wink up at you. You bit back a laugh as you wiggled your hips impatiently as you leaned back on your hands. With your fingers splayed against the wooden countertop, your touch met something smooth and waxy--like the waxy seal of an envelope. You reached behind you and grabbed a pink envelope, with a wax stamp of a heart on its flap. Your heart seemed to stop as you stared at the envelope in your hands.

You vaguely felt Chris’s lips on your inner thighs, kissing and nipping at your skin. When he heard no reaction from you, he looked up, his brows furrowed and eyes full of questions.

“What’s that?” he asked, “You wrote me a love letter, too?” he winked as he reached for it.

You jerked it away from his grasp, your heart hammering in your chest as you ripped open the flap; ripping the waxy heart in half.

P.S. You should really lock your windows, doll. You jumped off the counter and ran to the windows, each one was locked--except for one. You locked it and double-checked its strength, fighting against the lock as you tried to open it.

“Babe? (Y/N),” Chris said sternly, snapping you out of your trance.

You looked at him now. You didn’t know what to say, you couldn’t think of how to form the words. You wanted to say everything was fine and okay, but it wasn’t--it was far from it. Whoever had been writing and sending you these knew where you lived now, and that scared you. After months of trying so hard to move on from this, you felt as if you were right back at square one again.

The rest of the night was unclear to you. You moved like a zombie, your brain on autopilot as you crawled into bed to hide under the covers until the morning sun rose. Chris asked questions, of course. But you had no answers for him. You had no idea who had been writing them and had absolutely no clue how they had found you again.

Chris had suggested going to the police, but what could they do? No one had physically harassed you, and although creepy, the letters weren’t threatening. And not to mention, you had thrown away most of your evidence. You were at a loss. Chris was supportive, always there to comfort you during the night when you were restless, but that never kept you from feeling alone.

Your paranoia increased tenfold by the end of that week. You changed your daily routine every few days, hoping that’d throw your stalker off your trail, but it never did. They always seemed ten steps ahead of you, whereas you struggled to even think to keep up with them. Your breaking point was reached on Sunday evening as you met with one of your old friends from high school for breakfast-dinner--an old tradition you two had decided to revive for the night.

Things were going good, and you even dared to forget about your own issues as you cut into your syrup-soaked pancakes. Madison was telling you about her newest fling and how good he was in the sack, and you genuinely found yourself happy to listen to the vulgar details. After painting you a vivid picture of her sex life, Madison excused herself to the restroom; leaving you alone with your pancakes and empty cup of iced coffee.

You saw a head of electric blue hair and you perked up. Your waitress came with a smile and handed you a paper cup of steaming coffee and a single napkin.

“Oh, I didn’t order this,” you said with a polite smile.

“A gentleman ordered this for you,” she winked before walking away.

You frowned as you looked at the writing on the napkin. Refusing to even acknowledge the cup of coffee in front of you.

Your mouth went dry as you stared at the familiar handwriting. Brown dress, he knew what you were wearing--he was here. You shot to your feet, the chair scraping loudly against the floor, as you looked around frantically, ignoring all of the judgemental looks and hushed whispers you were getting.

“You okay, (Y/N)?” asked Madison, her brows knitted in concern.

“Yeah,” you lied, “I just… I’m sorry, but I have to go. I’ll call you later, Mads.”

You dug through your wallet and gave a twenty to your waitress on your way out, only stopping to yell over your shoulder for her to keep the change. You practically ran home from the restaurant as your anxiety started to settle in your bones, making you heavy with unease. You called Chris, but were only met with his voicemail. The elevator ride up to your floor was tortuous as you watched the floor numbers slowly light up one by one until finally, they stopped at your floor. You panted as you slammed the door shut behind you, sliding the lock and chain in place as you dropped your head to rest against the wooden frame.

You sniffled as the words from his letter were seared into your eyelids. You just wanted him to leave you alone, you didn’t know what you did to catch his eye, and worst of all, you didn’t know how to make it stop. You choked on your hiccupped breaths as tears streaked down your cheeks. When you finally calmed down you switched on the lights and finally turned around…

You stared at Chris in horror. Blood drenched the entire living room, his corpse sat limp in a chair like a broken, bloody doll. His throat and wrists had been slashed. You tried to hold your hand over the open wounds as you screamed for help, but no matter the pressure you applied, the blood still gushed and seeped through your fingers, oozing down your arm, and dripping from your elbow. The gore of it all brought waves of nausea that went beyond physical retching, the sickness you felt was indescribable. But the smell, the smell was something much worse. Metallic, iron, copper… Your ears started to ring. You couldn’t hear, couldn’t breathe. You could only stare at the bloodstain on your hands and scream.

You left that following weekend, abandoning the big city to move back in with your parents and younger sister. You spent most of your days locked in your room, hiding from the world under the comfort of your blanket and drawn curtains. Days turned to weeks, and weeks to months. You’d look at yourself in the mirror and cry as you no longer recognized yourself as the woman you once were. You knew it was time to move on, but you couldn’t, not when you’d see Chris’s bloodied body every time you’d close your eyes.

You started small by taking baby steps toward your recovery. It started with family meals, then a cashier job at your local supermarket, shopping trips with your mother and sister. Then you eventually graduated to therapy, where you’d stare at a forest green ceiling as you reclined on the chaise longue. Therapy helped and it was admittedly one of the better moments of your monotonous days, you felt heard, seen, as you walked through your own thoughts and nightmares. Your appointments even inspired you to reach out to Chris’s parents for closure, to go with them to visit their son’s grave. It was bittersweet, leaving behind a bouquet of roses for the man you had loved so deeply instead of a kiss goodbye; but it was something you knew you’d have to come to terms with. It wasn’t your fault, that was the mantra you’d tell yourself when you’d catch glimpses of his blood on your hands.

Before you knew it a year had passed since the incident, and in that year, you had not received one letter. You had made a resolution for the first time that New Year’s Eve as you waited for the midnight ball to drop. You told yourself you’d forget, to start fresh, and become an even better version of yourself. You were a flower that was fighting against all odds to blossom.

You cut your hair, got bangs and highlights. Saved up for a brand new, off-the-lot car. And moved into a cozy apartment with your sister. Things were looking up for you and you truly believed that you had finally found your way out of the woods. But life had a habit of playing cruel tricks on those who were naive enough to believe such a thing.

It was mid-February, just a few days before Valentine’s Day, when things started to go to shit. You had just come back from the gym with your sister when you saw it. A pink envelope with no return address or any other name besides yours, with a wax seal in the shape of a heart on the back flap, sat on your pillow. It felt like it weighed a thousand pounds as you held it in your hands. You debated on throwing it away, on pretending you never received it. But you wanted to know what more this twisted bastard could have to say. You ripped it open and read.

You didn’t hesitate as you ripped the letter to shreds, throwing the pieces into the garbage with an angry grunt. Delusional piece of deranged shit, you thought. You raked through your brain for the millionth time since your first letter, trying to figure out who the fuck could possibly be the sender, but you came to the same conclusion you had been coming to for years--nothing. It was agonizing, not knowing who your torturer was. It was your shadow, how could you not know who was living in it? But, no matter how hard you thought, you kept drawing blank after blank.

Your sister comforted you with a glass of wine and dumplings from the takeout place up the street. She was going out tonight, but offered to stay home with you instead.

“No,” you shooed, “I’ll be fine, I’m a big girl.”

“You sure?” she frowned, “It’s no big deal, Girls Night is every Friday night, I can always go next week.”

“I’m fine. Go and have fun for the both of us,” you said as you waved her away.

She left a few minutes later, dressed in heels and a short skirt. You ate the rest of the dumplings and finished the bottle of wine before calling it a night. You undressed down to your underwear and threw on an oversized t-shirt and plopped down onto the bed with an unceremonious bounce. The wine coursing through your system made it easier than usual to fall asleep, and the next thing you knew, you were in a deep sleep, dreaming of a life with Chris--of a life without the letters. It was one of those good dreams you wished you’d never wake from.

Which was why you were so annoyed when a loud noise startled you awake. You looked at your phone and the time read “1:00 AM”, you frowned, it was too early for your sister to be back already. You padded along the hallway, rubbing the sleep from your eyes as you called out for her, worried she might’ve passed out drunk on the floor or something. You stopped as you reached the front room--the very empty front room. Your heart started to pound as you stood frozen, staring at the empty room before you. A shuffling from behind caught your attention, then. And against your better instincts, you turned around slowly to see a shadowed silhouette of a man standing at the end of the hallway.

You stood there for what felt like an eternity, just staring dumbstruck at the man. With every step he took toward you, you took one back. Inching closer and closer to the front door with every backward step.

“Doll, don’t,” he warned, his voice striking you with fear like a bolt of lightning.

Without a second thought, you ran toward the door, fumbling stupidly with the locks in your panicked state of mind. The man was on you in a flash, easily dragging you away from your pathetic attempt at escape. His arms slithered around you like snakes, their hold constricting as he locked an arm firmly around your neck, silencing your screams as you struggled to breathe. You slapped and clawed at his forearm as he pulled you back to your bedroom.

“Please be a good girl for me, (Y/N). I don’t want to hurt you, baby,” he said against your hair.

With his arm still wrapped around your neck, he threw you down onto the bed, quickly straddling you before you could scramble to your feet. He pinned your arms above your head with one hand and forced you to look at him with the other. His face was illuminated by the moonlight. The silver shine highlighting his familiar eyes through the holes of his helmet. You froze as he pulled off his blue cowl.

You were beyond confused, to say the least. You stared up at Captain America, your brain working overtime to try and put the puzzle pieces together. What was Captain America doing in your apartment? And why had he called you “baby”? What the fuck was going on? Were you lucid dreaming? You must’ve looked as confused as you felt because he smiled down at you, gently promising you answers to the questions that you hadn’t yet asked.

“You’re even more beautiful up-close, doll,” he said as he brushed away hairs that fell in your face from your struggle.

Your eyes widened. Doll. The nickname sent chills down your spine as the word flashed against the pink color of the envelopes, against the red of spilled blood.

“You…”

He ran a finger down your cheek and nodded, “Me.”

You paled under him, your bottom lip trembling as you shook your head in disbelief. He frowned and hushed you, caressing your cheek and wiping away the tears that fell.

“Shh… Don’t cry, baby,” he cooed, “I’ll take good care of you, you don’t need to cry.”

“W–Why?” you hiccupped through your sobs, “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I love you, (Y/N),” your stomach dropped as he answered you as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

You shook your head, “No. No! You’re Captain America. You’re supposed to be a hero!”

You fought against his grip, flailing and kicking wildly as you tried in vain to get away from him. You trashed against him, kicking against his thighs with all of your strength, but it was nothing to him--nothing but an annoying inconvenience.

“Stop,” he said, his jaw ticking with simmering anger.

But you refused to stop. You whined and fought against him.

“Stop,” he repeated, his anger coming to a rolling boil.

You shot up and headbutted him. He reeled back and glowered down at you, his jaw clenched and nostrils flared.

“I said stop,” he shouted as he finally stilled you with a sharp slap.

The sound was as sharp as the feel of it. You sobbed as the pain stung your skin, the right side of your face becoming numb from the harsh impact of it.

“Why are you doing this, Steve?” you asked again.

“Because I love you,” he answered again, “I know you love me, too, (Y/N).”

“No,” you exclaimed, “I don’t love you! I don’t love you! I don’t love you!” you sobbed.

“You will,” Something seemed to change within his eyes. No longer were there hints of green in his blue eyes, but something much darker… Something more sinister. You swallowed as you shrunk under his intense glare.

You exclaimed as he forced his lips against yours. Squeezing your jaw until he could slip his tongue into your mouth. You pushed against him, beating on his shoulders as he shoved his tongue further down your throat. He pulled away, breathless and flushed, a ghost of a content smile on his face. You gasped and tried to wiggle away once more, rolling onto your stomach as you did so. A yelp escapes you as you feel him grab your hips, pulling you back under him.

Steve puts his weight on you, trapping you underneath him as he begins to undress you. You try to roll onto your back, but his knee keeps you in place. You fight to keep your shirt on, knowing you wore nothing but your panties underneath it. But you were fighting blind. You kicked up, the heels of your feet hitting the backs of Steve’s strong thighs. He manhandles you easily as he rolls you onto your back, finally ridding you of your cotton shield.

Your hands went to your chest before he could. He pried your arms away, baring your breasts to him with a jerked jiggle. He licked his lips as he cupped and squeezed your breast. You flinched as if his touch had burned you, and in some sense, it had. Your eyes widened in shame as Steve blew on your nipples, the skin hardening into pointed peaks. He brings his lips to them, circling them with his tongue. Sucking, licking, pinching. You press your lips together to keep you from whimpering, and you close your eyes in hopes you can will him away. But your feeble defense attempts don’t last long.

Your eyes snap open as you feel his lips leave your breasts to trail kisses down to your navel, stopping at the band of your underwear.

“Please…” you beg. You bite your lip to keep it from trembling as fresh tears begin to form at the corners of your eyes.

Steve smiles against your skin, “I’m going to make you mine, (Y/N). ‘M gonna make you feel so good, doll.”

You stifle a sob as you feel him slide your panties off past your ankles, his fingers scorching your skin as they explore back up between your thighs. Instinctively, you try to close your legs around his hands. But he doesn’t stop. Steve digs his fingers into the soft skin of your inner thighs as he forcefully spreads you wide. Your pussy on full display to him. You stiffen under his gaze, your face burning with shame as he stares in awe at your spread folds. He runs a finger from your clit to your entrance, dipping knuckle-deep into your channel. Your thighs flex as your body tenses at the intrusion. He adds another and languidly pumps them in and out, curling and scissoring them. You fight against the blossoming heat within your belly. Your shame grows as you hear the squelch of your wetness around his pumping fingers.

Steve presses a firm thumb to your clit and you cry out before you can stop yourself. He pumps his fingers into you harder, faster, as he pulls more moans and cries from your lips. You sob as you feel that coil deep within your belly begin to unravel with every stroke and pump. You fight against your own body as you keep yourself from teetering over the edge of pleasure, refusing to let yourself submit to him. But Steve had other plans for you. Suddenly, before you could register his movements, you felt his tongue against your most intimate area. You mewled and curled your toes as he fucked you with his tongue, his thumb never stopping their firm and fast circles against your clit. You sobbed as your body convulsed with white-hot pleasure, and before you could stop yourself, you came on his tongue with a loud, dragged out moan.

You sniffled as you cried, but whether it was from the intensity of your orgasm or your shame and fear, you didn’t know. The lines were starting to blur for you.

Steve gently kissed around your folds before crawling up over you. He held your face and forced your lips to his once more before he began to undress, leaving the taste of yourself on your tongue as he pulled away with a wet smack. He unclothed himself, then. Stripping himself of his spangled-stars and red and white stripes. He looked down at you with dark, lust-filled eyes, and a breathless quirk of his lips.

You were limp as he folded you to his needs. Bringing your bent and spread knees to your chest as he took himself in his hands. His length stood tall and proud, the tip swollen and leaking down this thick shaft with anticipation. Your legs flinched as they tried to close on their own. You choked on a sob as he wrenched them apart. Your heart hammered in your chest as you watched him tap your pussy with his cock, running the tip up and down your folds as he wet himself with your soaking arousal until finally, he pressed himself into your entrance. You let out a strained whine as he slammed into you.

Steve’s eyes were shut and mouth slightly agape as he hisses at your tightness. His hips thrust in excitement as you clench around him. You whimper again as he slides out, just to slam himself back in. Your body jolts with every lust-driven thrust. He slides his hands under you and brings them to hold onto your shoulders, bringing you down to meet his every forceful thrust. The sound of skin slapping and lewd moans fill your bedroom, your sweat sheen bodies glowing under the moonlight. Steve speeds up, mercilessly hammering that hidden sweet spot that makes you scream and clench around his cock. You spasm and shake as Steve forces another orgasm from you.

“Tell me you love me,” he pants.

You shake your head, pushing on his shoulders as the realization of your situation comes crashing back into you.

His hand wraps around your throat as he pounds into you harder than before, “Say it, (Y/N).”

You scratch at his hand as your vision begins to dot and blacken, “I–I love you…”

“Louder,” he demands, “‘I love you, Steve’, say it, doll, I wanna hear you say it.” he moans.

“I love you, Steve,” you choke out.

He releases his grip on you then, and you cough and gasp for air. His rhythm becomes erratic as his hips drive into you with renewed vigor, “Again.”

“I love you, Steve,” you moan.

His body jerks as his hips stutter to a stop. Steve comes with your name on his lips, and you whined as you felt his warmth flood inside of you. He panted above you, his hips languidly thrusting as his abdomen clenched with his drawn out release. He pulled out of you and collected the spunk that leaked from your weeping cunt on his fingers. He brought them to your lips and forced you to suck them clean.

“I love you, too, doll. Forever and ever,”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*тαgℓιѕт*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧: @hoosier-daddi

[intergalacticaquarium]

Last Night of Summer

More of the Max and Eddie au! (One shots, listed chronologically in the masterlist!) I got really stuck on one scene even though I had a ton more written so we're just gonna do that one later and do this one now because i really love this one!

Summary: it's the night before school starts and Max and Eddie are both kinda nervous- but he has a very important question: is she gonna join Hellfire?

Pairings- none! Just Max and Eddie being besties

(Masterlist)

Let me know if you want to be tagged in anything!

1.6k

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Max and Eddie would be lying if they had been struck by the back to school spirit this year. The sun was setting and they had both wandered off after pizza with Susan and Wayne to try and turn the nerves from their kids into some kind of celebration.

    Without talking they both got to the trash hole, bending over to pick up the metal cup full of little projectiles and making a selection before starting to try and toss them into different things.

    “You nervous?" Eddie asked her, and she shrugged like she hadn’t thought about it. 

    “Are you?” She asked, turning it around on him. She hoped he couldn't see her nerves, she never liked not seeming brave about silly things. 

    “Kinda, yeah. Like…my second senior year had kind of a weird vibe so I can’t image how the third is gonna go.”

    “Weird vibe?”

    “Like every day was just a million glances in my direction from every teacher trying to say are you listening this time? That or they treated me like…an…I don’t know, an old pipe.” He tried, unsatisfied.

    “You know you’re gonna have to elaborate on that one.”

    “Yeah, I figured you weren’t gonna just let me have that one. Like…oh, there’s Munson. He’s noisy and annoying and obviously a problem but he’s also been around for so long that everybody decided to just kinda leave it. Maybe a pipe is too important. More like a busted window with plastic over it. Just like…a background problem. I feel like that second one is gonna get a lot worse.”

    “Why’d you never drop out?” Max asked honestly, Eddie shrugged.

    “I dunno. Never really…obviously I knew it was an option but it still never really occurred to me as like, a serious thought. I kinda just- I’m a broken window, yeah, but like-maybe I like the fact that everybody has to be a little colder because I’m around. And like…where does the window go, man? Once they replace it. I don’t really know if my whole…thing works out in the real world.”

    Max glanced at him with her head tilted slightly. 

    “Dude- you just gotta get out of Hawkins. In California all the grownups were weirdos like you.” She said, and he grinned. "Also- I'm here to talk about this with you, but if you make me listen to a shitty song you wrote about that metaphor I'm never speaking to you again. I can't take another Dream Warden and the Nightmare Prince. I just can't I still can barely look you in the eye knowing you wrote a fucking song about your chemistry teacher failing you."

    “Alright. Harsh, but fair it was not one of my best-"

"It was eight minutes long, Eddie." She said, still horrified remembering it.

"Maybe I just gotta take my show on the road. If all the weirdos are in California maybe they'll appreciate my music." He teased, and he saw her face drop a little bit. 

"Well…you can't go yet." She said simply, chucking another rock.

"Awww, would you miss me, Max?" He asked dramatically, though he did feel genuinely touched. She grinned again at the turn back into more comfortable territory. 

"Nah- but somebody’s gotta drive me to school, because I don’t want to take the bus.” She said with a laugh, and Eddie slowly dropped his hand to his side instead of throwing his stone.

    “You…sure about that? Not sure getting dropped off by the freak is the best move for your first day of High school.” He said, a little nervously, and Max rolled her eyes.

    “I’ve been hanging out with freaks since I got here. We haven’t really been…talking much- but still, I’m used to it.” She knew Eddie had a lot of problems at school but the idea of having to pretend to be okay around her friends was painful, the idea of being alone was worse.

    “I don’t want to make it harder on you, though. I’m used to it by now but the shit they say can be pretty brutal” He said honestly.

    Max shrugged. “Better get used to having me around, then. I’m scarier than you think.”

Eddie couldn't help but smile. Never in his life had he had a friend like Max. They had only known each other for a few months but the way she said it still almost seemed familially unconditional in a way that he felt too. Eddie had ways liked looking out for others, it make him think a little of him mom when he did it. It was a good feeling- but at the same time nobody he had ever helped out had ever been so ready to watch his back too- but this tiny redhead was absolutely willing to square up for him at any moment and it amazed Eddie endlessly. They had been at the ditch the other day when a kid rode by on a bike and called them trailer trash. Without missing a beat Max had grabbed the bucket and started throwing rocks at him until he fell off his bike, then turned back to him and went back to the game like it hadn't happened. 

    “Yeah? Are you gonna be, like, my bodyguard?”

    “Sure. People think I’m scary. Don’t underestimate me, Munson.” Max said seriously, and he shook his head.

    “Trust me, I’m never gonna be dumb enough to underestimate you, Mayfield. No matter what you do with your life, I’m betting on you.” He said, earnestly, looking at the fireflies over the trash pit so she could just look pleased with the compliment without trying to hide it.

    He gave her a moment, and knew she’d decide not to say anything when she smiled, feeling better about tomorrow. 

    “One thing I gotta ask, though- are you joining Hellfire?”

    Max gave him an apologetic face from where she sat and he fell back in heartbreak.

    “Whyyyyy? Is it because you’ve never played? Because i always start the year with a campaign for new players! Pleeeeaaase????” He said, like a kid trying to convince their mom for a puppy.

    “Nope, sorry. Not for me- my friends convinced me to try a game a few years back but, ehh…the whole fantasy adventure thing doesn’t really hit as well when you’ve already fought real monsters.” She said, and saw Eddie’s face fall. “And before you get that look,no, I don’t mean Billy.” She said, and watched in delight from the corner of her eye while he put that together.

    “...What does that mean?”

    “Have I really never told you about this? Mind flayer, demon dogs, alternate dimension?” She asked with a grin when his face folded like she was joking.

    “Ha ha.”

    “Oh, you think I’m joking? I didn’t march through an alternate dimension with Steve Harrington when I was twelve for yoooooou to not believe I ever even went.” She said indignantly at his more confused face.

    “Steve- oooh, is this the campaign they got you to play? Steve was like…why was Steve there? Wait, how do you know Harrington anyway?” He asked, and she gave him an oh, y’know expression.  “Was he friends with Billy?” 

    Max barked an undignified laugh at the guess. “Definitely not. I once saw Billy punch Steve in the face like 20 times because he was trying to attack my, uh- friend, Lucas.”

    He sat there with his mouth slightly agape, like he could figure it out with just what she said, and she almost exploded into laughter. She did this sometimes, dropped details of their various brushes with  death to Eddie and see him rationalize them as deadpan jokes. It was kinda nice to talk about, honestly, since she was seeing her friends less these days, regardless of why.

    “Okay, that part might be real and that’s concerning.” He said, and Max nodded, deciding to take mercy.

    “Yeah, uh, I was with my friends once a few weeks after I moved here and Billy…it doesn’t matter why, but he wanted to force me to come home and when I didn't he attacked Lucas because Billy was a racist and kept telling me to say away from him, and Steve just threw a punch. And got his ass beat by Billy so bad he passed out.” She said.

Max frowned remembering how terrifying that night had been, how terrified she had been when Billy locked eyes with Lucas and said the thing she had heard from him hundreds of times and always filled her with dread: You know what happens when you disobey me? I break things. 

Cassette tapes. Her first skateboard. Kibble, the stuffed rabbit her grandma gave he before she died. 

She should’ve known he wouldn’t have stayed satisfied with the things she cared about for long, it was inevitable he went after the people too.

“So what happened?” Eddie asked, seeing her deep frown lift into a look of satisfaction.

“I  happened.” She said with a full grin. When she remembered that moment it didn’t matter that Billy was dead. No matter what he did in the end, Max would never feel anything but fucking unstoppable when she remembered that moment. She leaned back in satisfaction, smiling. 

“Turns out people really listen to you when you slam a bat covered in nails on the floor between their legs. Especially if you’re Billy.” She said in a humble but undeniably proud tone. 

Eddie grinned at her and gave her a congratulatory pat on the arm. 

“Damn Mayfield- I wish I could’ve seen that. Just that part, the rest sounds…fucking terrifying. Jesus, didn’t you say you were like, twelve when you moved here? I knew Billy was bad but I didn’t know he was like…hate-crime bad.” he said with a grimace.

“Yeah. He was…a real piece of work.” She said in a resigned tone.

"Never thought I'd say this but...thank God for Steve Harrington. " Eddie said in disbelief, and Max nodded and smiled.

“...Why did the bat have nails in it?”

“Monster hunting!” She said, scolding him for forgetting, and this one he let go with a roll of his eyes.

Maybe this would be both of their years. 

Taglist: adding later I'm on mobile

[hargrove-mayfields]

The first summer after the incident at Starcourt, things have finally had enough time to slowly ease back into normalcy.

The day after school lets out, the kids talk Steve into letting them come swim in his pool. It’s only for a couple of hours, and honestly, it does them all some good, the kids getting to pretend things are okay for a while, and Steve getting to soothe that worry that crept in every time he didn’t have an eye on all of them, so despite the guilt they all certainly felt for having fun, they let themselves enjoy it, for a little while at least.

The gimmick of what made summer fun ran out pretty quickly for them though, so once they’d all gotten sunburnt shoulders and had tangles in their hair and wrinkles on their fingers from the chlorinated water, they decided it was time to go home. They weren’t up for the arcade or ice cream after the pool like they used to be either, but they had had just under a year now to decide they were okay with that.

So Steve loads them all up into his new Mercedes-Benz, the replacement for the BMW that became necessary post battle when they discovered his car had been crushed at some point during that night by the Mind Flayer, and took them all home.

Max’s house was the last on his route no matter which way he went, the only member of the party who lived on the outskirts of the wealthy part of town now that the Byers’ had moved, so it’s just the two of them in the car. As they pull up outside though, she hesitates to get out, instead nervously picking at the stitches in the seat, mulling over something in her head.

They aren’t really close, no bond between them beyond babysitter and grumpy teenager not happy to have one, but Steve feels an obligation towards all of these kids, so he shifts in the seat so he’s facing her, and asks her in a way he hoped sounds approachable, “What’s up, Max?”

Max takes another second and a deep breath before speaking, wringing her hands nervously, “Billy’s birthday is in a few days and I don’t think anybody knows that, but I want to do something for him.”

Steve nods, doesn’t really know what he’s supposed to do at first, “Have you talked to your mom about this?”

He asks because word traveled fast in a small town like Hawkins. Everyone and their mother knew that Neil Hargrove had split before they’d even stabilized his son in the hospital, and his wife had stayed with their children, taking full responsibility for Billy and Max. If anyone should be having a party for Billy, it should be Susan.

“Yeah and she liked the idea, but she’s been really busy with work and stuff, double now with Billy’s medical bills, and I know a lot of the other parents are too and some of them I just don’t know well enough to ask, and I don’t know who else to turn to because normally I’d take this stuff to Billy and I can’t do it by myself.” Max rambles all in one breath, has clearly been thinking about this for a long time.

Steve obviously wants to encourage that, so he asks, “What did you wanna do for him?”

“I just wanted to have a party for him at the hospital, but I know that’s kinda dumb since nobody goes to see him anyways.” Max mumbles, wrapping her fingers around the door handle like she’s going to get out, “I don’t know, it’s stupid.”

“No it’s not. What day is it, his birthday?”

“The sixth. I know that’s kinda short notice but-“ Max starts again, but Steve interrupts, a small smile on his face as if to prove he’s genuine, “No, it’s fine. We’ll figure something out. We’re not going to let Billy be alone on his birthday.”

It doesn’t seem to have the effect Steve wanted though, because Max scoffs and pushes the car door open, snapping before she gets out, “You do every other day.”

Even though Max had been so short with him at first, after that, she and Steve work on a plan at the end of every day when he was driving her back home, Max slowly evolving from tense about even bringing it up to actually excited for this thing they were working on together for her brother.

Steve doesn’t really have the time or the know-how for home made anything, but he buys everything you typically would find at an under twenty one birthday party, balloons and streamers, a chocolate cake, per Max’s request, and a tub of Superman ice cream, also a suggestion from Max.

He doesn’t buy Billy a present, he figures he doesn’t have use for much for anything material in the hospital, and although he’s willing to help, he feels he still doesn’t really know Billy like that anymore.

Or maybe he does, he just doesn’t know if the friendship they had been reluctantly developing would withstand the strain the accident at Starcourt had put on it, and didn’t feel it was very appropriate just to show up with an expensive knick knack that would just rub his wealth in Billy’s face.

Instead, he gets him a card, because who doesn’t want a birthday card, and leaves a hundred dollars and a heartfelt note in it. The money is because he has it and Billy needs it more than he does, and a hundred dollars was standard for milestone birthdays, in his family at least, and since Billy was lucky to see his nineteenth come around, he figures this counted.

So on the sixth of June, they’re ready to celebrate Billy.

Steve drives the kids all to the hospital that day, surprised that even without El around right now to convince them to, they were all willing to come. He guesses they’d all seen how torn up Max was when Billy was admitted to the hospital, and now that eleven months later he still hadn’t got out, it was bound to be hard on her.

It wasn’t a surprise anymore, Max had let it slip to Billy a few days beforehand in her excitement, so they just went straight up to his room, each kid and Steve carrying something, decorations or food or presents.

At first, Billy doesn’t really seem to thrilled to see them, but Steve supposed he wouldn’t be either, it couldn’t be any fun aging in the hospital, especially surrounded by nobody but your little sisters friends.

But they still set it all up for him, tying balloons to his bed and hanging streamers above the door. Max sits with him and keeps him entertained with stories, but what makes his mood significantly improve is when a nurse interrupted them to give him another dose of his pain meds.

Once they’re all set up, it’s Lucas who points out, “We forgot the candles for the cake.”

And it’s Max who, without really thinking about it, reminds him, “We probably have some with all the decorations and stuff we bought.”

It’s Dustin who looks and finds a pack of candles that someone indeed had brought, and calls out, “Found some.”

But it’s Steve who is seemingly the only one able to remember that the birthday boy was still on oxygen after a lung transplant and didn’t think he needed to be blowing out any candles, reminding Dustin very pointedly, “Actually, Dustin, I don’t think we need any candles.

Of course he argues, because kids do, “C'mon Steve, it's a birthday cake. All birthday cakes have candles.”

“Yeah, but I said I don’t think this one needs any.” Steve says, through his teeth this time, nodding subtly towards Billy, and Dustin's eyes widen a little, and the candles get put back without another word about it.

Instead, Steve gives Billy the zippo from his pocket, flipping it open for him so a tiny flame dances in front of his face, “Make a wish, Hargrove.”

Billy takes the lighter, a little apprehensively, but he stays quiet, looking up at Steve as he presumably makes his wish to himself, then clicks it shut, extinguishing the flame.

Ever impatient, the kids decide that’s their cue to cut into the cake without really asking anybody, but Steve doesn’t stop them, because as Billy reminds Max when she sits down on his bedside with a piece, “I can’t really eat that right now, kiddo, but thank you.”

She blows him off, teasingly uncaring in that sibling way, “Oh, I know, that’s why I picked chocolate cake, ‘cause I know you don’t like it. I just wanted you to have one, so it felt like a real birthday.”

Billy smiles wide, holds his arms out the best he can anymore for a hug, “Aww, come ‘ere, shitbird.”

Max spends the rest of their little impromptu party at his bedside, talking to her friends but sitting with her brother, the both of them chasing that sense of normalcy that everyone else had been able to move on and achieve, but they had no chance at grasping so long as they were apart.

That is at least, until to keep himself busy while the kids argue about something, Billy reads his card from Steve, that long written out note that detailed all his feelings and regrets and thoughts about Billy that he had been grappling with since Billy was hospitalized, sorrys and thank yous and happy birthday, everything crammed into that card but the part about how Steve had been falling in love with Billy since they met in ‘84.

It makes Steve nervous, twitchy and vulnerable with Billy reads it, until he gently closes the card and looks up at Steve, eyes wide and a little teary.

The first thing he says is an unrelated question, ruffling his little sisters hair and asking her, “Maxi, can you go down to the vending machine at the end of the hall and grab me some stuff? I’m running out of candy to hide in the bedside drawer.”

Max nods and slides down from his bed, and Billy adds, “Take all your friends too. See if they want anything.”

He waits until all the kids are gone, their voices echoing distantly down the long hallway, to ask Steve, “D’you do all this for me, Harrington?”

Steve shrugs, not sure if he’s more humble or nervous about why Billy wanted to talk to him alone, “It was Max’s idea.”

“But you still organized it, right?”

“I guess. I don’t want a thank you or anything though.” Steve insists, but Billy smiles, a bright one like Steve hardly ever saw anymore, and insists right back “Too bad, you’re getting one. Thank you.”

Steve just shrugs again, “It’s your birthday, Hargrove. I wasn’t going to let you be forgotten.”

“I would’ve been okay, Steve. Birthdays were just… never really a thing in my family anyways.”

Steve can tell they were going to go back and forth all day, arguing over whether or not he should be celebrated, and if he needed someone by his side, if he doesnt change the subject, so he asks him, “What’d you wish for?”

“Can’t tell you that or it won’t come true.” Billy hums, thoughtful, and he says, sounding like his sister, “And it’s sort of dumb anyways.”

“Hey, I’m sure it’s not dumb. If it’s something you want, it can’t be.”

Billy looks up at him, a little smile on his face, and explains, “I don’t know it’s just, I’m going to be sick for the rest of my life, I’m stuck in the hospital for another month at least and my dad disowned me, but, my wish still wasn’t for any of that to change.”

“What was it then?”

Billy takes a deep breath, a noticeable flush to his face, “I wished that I would have the guts to finally do this.”

For a second Steve wonders what he’s talking about, worries briefly that he was going to use the distraction and the relaxed attention from the nurses on his birthday to make grand escape from the hospital or something, until Billy leans up and kisses him.

It’s chaste and it’s sweet, everything that he’d expect from anybody that wasn’t Billy Hargrove, and everything that Steve could ever have wanted. He sits down on the bed beside Billy to make the angle easier on the both of them, not breaking the kiss for even a second, bringing his hand up to cup Billy's cheek, and deepening the kiss.

They’re interrupted by the squeaking of tennis shoes on the waxy hospital floors in the hallway, the kids coming back already, so Steve pulls away, just as flushed as Billy was now and keeping one of his hands resting on top of Billy’s, “Happy birthday, Billy.”

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

As you all may know, my mother is on a ventilator for covid 19. She didn’t believe in covid. I tried to tell her but she didn’t believe it. She tried to tell me some kind of Qanon bologne when I’d try to tell her. I would give anything to have more time with my mother. There is some signs of improvement in her feeling better but I am not wanting to become too hopeful. She was on the phone with one of my elder sisters for six minutes rather than two the other day. She was angry at her for letting her kids come in to her house knowing they had covid.

I’m very angry at her doctor who told her she didn’t need the covid shot, in fact just telling her she is healthy. She has a small body frame and is on the shorter side but weighs nearly three hundred pounds and struggles to get around. She’s 59 years old and works as a nurse at a nursing home and works way too hard on minimum wage, has given birth to six children, has always had asthma and is prone to bronchitis and pneumonia. She’s a prime candidate for covid, in fact she is who I thought about the day I remember reading about covid. It’s like this disease was designed to kill my mother.

They sent her to southern Idaho for a ventilator. She is lucky to get one. They’ve run out in many of these red states that didn’t take covid seriously enough. It does not bring me any joy that right wingers and people who didn’t believe in the shot are dying. I’ve had liberal friends say over simplistic things about people from red states getting what’s coming to them and so forth, and people have rejoiced at the idea of trump supporters getting sick and suffering and dying.

I am left leaning, but I never want to get so caught up in my political ego that I eradicate any notion of humanity to the people I don’t agree with or might not even like. Their pain and lives are real and legitimate as anyone else’s. Their families matter too. They are wrong, my mother is wrong. She’s been backwards about a lot of the world my whole life.

But she’s also a very kind person. She is always giving to people and has contradictory, while supporting a fucking horrible president, also put up for and fought her job because of racism she was seeing all around her. She doesn’t really think like a conservative and her way of approaching life didn’t really ever reflect a deeper conservative value or drive. I’ve noticed other conservatives never liked her.

She believed the wrong things because she was driven by religious faith and loneliness to believe the rabbit hole of alt right Facebook. She doesn’t have much of an education, was bullied and abused for most of her childhood. she went to over twenty different schools and moved a lot throughout her childhood. She got married and started having children very young. She always worked as a bartender, or as a caretaker to children with disabilities or elderly folk. She barely understood the internet. She believed in god and joined religious groups on Facebook very open and blindly without even understanding propaganda or the political climate of what is being fought for, which pretty much took her down this poisonous road. And now she’s barely able to talk in an icu all alone, as this virus that she didn’t believe in tries to kill her.

Moving to the city and always being left leaning, but being from a rural area of the inland north west, where I was outnumbered and lived amongst these folk who didn’t like me all that much but I was always having to find ways to accept and understand sometimes gives me a perspective perhaps that maybe liberal kids from middle class families from liberal cities have missed out on. I will never be able to see it as black and white. It would be easy to just say that the people in Bible Belt areas deserve this and be rid of any sadness or guilt. I was disgusted by the anti intellectualism I was surrounded by and I lived for most of my twenties in my own world to avoid it when I was growing up and lived in my home state which is fairly red. But people are the same everywhere. They really are.

Her recovery is slow and I worry something terrible is happening to her organs and lungs as she has fights for her life. I hope her body is strong enough to keep fighting. I appreciate the care and labor and sacrifice the hospitals have given to keep people alive. There is so much anguish. We have lost a mural of so many wonderful and beautiful souls to covid. It’s hard to even fathom the grief and pain it’s left in its wake. I can barely cope with my own.

I took a walk today to think. I haven’t wanted to listen to music in a long while because my mood is on my mother’s condition, but I put in John Prine. He was one of the first people to die of covid that I cared about, albeit indirectly as I only know him through his songs. I had a ticket to go see him play before covid took his life. It was going to be small and intimate outdoor concert in town. His music was always so real and down to earth. He sings about the quiet sad things of getting old and the way that love is about the daily existence with other people. How you build and cope with things.

One of his last songs on the album before he died was about how science has no business tinkering with nature. It’s so genuine. And ironic. Not everyone shares this belief, but I think that the covid flu was made in a lab and someone made a mistake and let it out into the public. I believe it was just human error in Wuhan. Nobody, no government or anything wanted this. And the Chinese government did everything they could to avoid fessing up to the mistake. So the idea of a lab grown virus being what killed John Prine kind of hurts in a way, though he also often sang about being comfortable with death and having peace with a life that was happy.

There are countless people I could blame for my mother’s disease. I could blame the dystopian Chinese government and their inability to admit fault, I could blame our government and our long-standing capitalist system that monetary prioritizes gain over human life, I could blame my mother’s cruel upbringing for not giving her the tools she needed to make wise choices about the world around her, or she herself for not taking care of her body. I could blame her mother and father and brothers.

I could blame my sisters kids for their lack of consideration of what covid would do to my mother’s health knowing she was high risk, or my eldest sister herself for being lazy and letting them go to my moms house knowingly.

I could blame some mentally unwell woman named Susan who my mother might have vaguely known for inviting her to a Facebook group of hate and conspiracy, or blame the nuns who drove religion into my mother’s head as a child. I could blame the easy to punch Ted Cruz or Tucker Carleson or any of the right wing mouth pieces for spreading lies and misinformation to the people they are supposedly speaking up for on behalf of about covid. I could blame it on our artificially based two party system that prevents real discussion from ever happening.

In the end, there is a myriad of things I could blame. So many pieces to the puzzle I could write volumes. But it doesn’t change where we are at now. And I have little control of the world around me. Or what made it that way. It’s disappointing. And in a way, John Prine has that message too. I’m just sad. I try to remember that my mom of the many people I have known was very accepting of death. Maybe it’s because she’s a person of faith, but she has a practical dark humor about her too that makes her accept it. I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad, but I am all the same.

It’s happened at this point where I am genuinely feeling my age and kind of at a crossroads in who I am as a person and what I want to do. I’ll talk about that some other time though. There is only so much a person can read.