#also the first thing I’d ever written so I am not judging myself but holy cow it’s cringy and hilarious

[bastardsofravenkroft-blog]

Damn that pretty terrible fanfic I started writing was only in TWENTY NINETEEN.

[punkrockmads]

Found Family

Abby Anderson x F! Reader Mini Series

FINAL CHAPTER

Song Used: Dear One, Mary Lambert

Chapter Fourteen; Dear One

*TWO YEARS OLD*

"I look ridiculous." I groan, adjusting the pale blue dress Kayla had helped me fix up a few weeks ago.

"You look beautiful." Kayla assures, running her hands down the lacy sides to smooth them out. I look at myself in the mirror. I have to admit, the dress is very beautiful. A beautiful ruffled skirt and rose patterned lace sides and metal buttons along the back, all a soft periwinkle color. I even let Kayla put a small braid in my hair on the right side, tucking it as well as the rest of my hair behind my ear. Kayla stands beside me, pulling me into a hug. "This dress really suits you." She says.

"I never thought I'd be getting married." I say with a nervous laugh. "I didn't think weddings were still a thing after the outbreak."

"Yet here you are." Kayla smiles. "You're about to marry the love of your life." I smile, feeling my hands shake.

"I'm nervous. Why am I nervous?!" I laugh. "I shouldn't be nervous!"

"Awww!" Kayla chuckles. "You're just excited! It's adorable!" She fixes her hair, loose strands of red falling out of her ponytail. The pink sundress she wears is the same style as the small white one she found for Evangeline.

"I can't wait to see Abby." I sigh, hugging Kayla. "Thank you for everything. You've planned an amazing wedding, Kayla."

"I'm your best friend!" Kayla smiles. "It's my job!" A knock at the office door pulls our attention toward it. Lev stands there wearing the same suit he wore when Evangeline was born. Kayla fixed it up so it would fit him better, seeing as it was too long in the first place.

"Y/N!" Lev smiles, running up and hugging me. "I'm here to walk you down the aisle!"

"Oh God it's already time?!" I feel my heart race in my chest, reaching into my pocket for the yellow paper I had written my vows on months ago. "Okay okay. Let me just go over these one more time."

"Nope!" Lev links his left arm with my right. "We're going now!" I turn around to look at Kayla. She gives me a warm smile, grabbing a bouquet Evangeline had helped her make.

"I'll see you out there!" Kayla whispers, hugging me tightly before walking out the door and around the corner.

"Lev." I mumble, staring straight ahead as I slowly walk with him out the door. "I'm terrified."

"Don't be." Lev says, squeezing my hand. "Remember, it's about you and Abby. Everyone who's here is here because they love you guys. They support you. You and Abby are the only people that matter right now, so just pretend it's only the two of you in this church."

"You're right." I nod, taking a deep breath. The music gets louder as we walk closer to the doors of the main room. She Keeps Me Warm by Mary Lambert. A song Abby and I have slow danced to a million times. "Thank you, Lev."

"You're welcome." Lev says as we stop right before the doors. "Ready?" I nod again, pushing the doors open and walking in with Lev. The flower petals Evangeline had thrown earlier litter the dark wooden floor. All of our friends and neighbors turn to watch. I can feel their stares, but the only stare that matters to me in this moment is Abby's. Her eyes are locked on mine, a huge smile on her face. I feel myself tear up, seeing how beautiful she looks. She decided to wear a suit that matches Lev's. It fits her perfectly, making her look like as incredible as a marble statue. A tear falls down my cheek as Lev lets go of my arm, standing me right in front of Abby. I take her hands in mine.

"You look beautiful." Abby whispers, tears sparkling in her eyes.

"You should see yourself." I whisper back, laughing quietly.

"Mommy!" A familiar squeaky voice calls from the front row. Evangeline wriggles her way out of the arms of Kayla's little sister, running towards me as the crowd laughs. I bend down and open my arms for her as she runs into them. I lift her up, holding her close as Abby and I pepper her face with kisses. "Can I stay?" Evangeline asks, wanting to stay close by her moms.

"Yes you can." I nod, smiling as I set her down by my feet. She sits cross legged beside me, watching as Abby and I listen to Kayla's mother, Eileen, speak a bit about the two of us. I can't tear my eyes away from Abby's, feeling so safe and at home here with her. The whole world seems to disappear when I look at her. I don't even notice Eileen say it's time for vows until Abby lets go of my hands, pulling a piece of notebook paper out of her pocket.

"Okay." Abby sighs, her hands shaking. "Y/N..." She looks at me with so much love and joy. "When we first met, you were floating down a river trying to figure out how the hell you were going to survive. And when I saved you, you threatened me. Even though you had no weapons and you looked like a half-dead drowned rat." Abby and I laugh at the memory. "That's when I realized 'Oh fuck, I'm falling in love!' Then you trusted me, you came home with me and let me give you safety and food and comfort. It kinda felt like bring a wild animal into my home for the first time."

Abby's chuckle is cut off by a sniffle. "When you woke up screaming one night after a nightmare and asked me to stay with you, I knew I wanted to protect you and do anything I possibly could to make you happy and give you the life you deserve just like you've done for me. You've been through so much and you're still the strongest woman I've ever known. You gave me your heart. You've shown me a love I never thought I deserved until I met you. Fuck, you even gave me my own family! I wanna spend the rest of my life loving you and treasuring every single moment I have with you and our family. I love you so much." Abby wipes her tears away as I reach into my pocket for my vows.

I wipe my own tears away as I look at my writing. "Well." I pause, chuckling a bit. "I mean how the hell am I gonna top that?" The guests and Abby laugh at me as I take a deep breath. "I'm not great with words or romance... or people, really. But, when I met you, I felt this comfort and love I had never felt before and it made me want to try to love people again. When I told you about my past, you didn't judge me. You supported me every step of the way and stepped in to raise Evangeline as our baby. You are my angel. You are my savior. I..." I sniffle, wiping away more tears. "I should probably get to the vows before I start sobbing." I laugh. "Abby and I fell in love with Mary Lambert's music after I forced her to listen to it with me and... one of her songs has always stuck with me and made me think of her. So... Abby, I'm gonna use it as my vows to you, if that's okay." Abby laughs quietly, nodding and urging me to continue.

I take a deep breath. "Where did you come from, bright star? What heaven did you leap from, dear love? How can I say your name without the sound of Autumn underneath my tongue? Without acknowledging the lovers who bent me in half? Bless them for bringing me to you. How can I say your name without also breathing the words 'My God, I found you!'" I pause, taking a deep breath as I feel tears pour down my cheeks. "How can I ever speak again with this mouth when it has found where it belongs? When you touch me, I am a bed of calla lillies. I will make a house for you and fill it with evergreens. I will paint sunsets on every wall so you can only see beautiful things." Abby watches me, sobbing quietly as her smile grows even bigger.

"How can I say 'love' without wanting to fold myself into you like a thousand paper cranes. Dear one, I was halved the moment I was born. The other piece of me is inside of your mouth. And I was found whole the moment you spoke." Every single eye in the room is teary, Abby full on sobbing as I pull her in for a tight hug. She hugs back, whispering 'I love you' over and over into my hair as she holds me in her arms.

"That was absolutely beautiful." Eileen says to us, wiping a few of her own tears away. "Now. If there are no objections, let's continue. Abigail, do you take Y/N to be your wife, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?"

Abby pulls away, locking eyes with me as she squeezes my hands. "I do." She nods, smiling at me. Her eyes shimmer, full of pure love.

"And Y/N..." Eileen pauses. "Do you take Abigail to be your wife, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?"

"Damn right, I do!" I grin, squeezing Abby's hands as I nod at her.

"By the power vested in me. I now pronounce you, Mrs. And Mrs. Anderson. You may kiss." I waste no time grabbing Abby by her shirt collar and pulling her in for a long, passionate kiss. She immediately kisses back, her arms wrapping around me as the guests cheer. We pull away once our lungs are screaming for air, pressing our foreheads together.

"Holy shit." I whisper, chuckling with Abby as I look into her beautiful hazel eyes.

"Holy shit." Abby repeats, laughing harder. "I love you so fucking much."

"I love you too." I reply, kissing her once more. We pull away in surprise when Lev yells.

"Party time!!" Lev cheers, waving his hands in the air. He runs towards us, wrapping his arms around both of us as I pick up a giggling Evangeline. Kayla follows close behind.

"Group hug!!" Kayla yells, squeezing us. I wrap an arm around Abby, resting my forehead against hers once more.

"I love you guys so much." I smile, finding comfort in the arms of my loved ones. Abby gently puts a hand on the back of my neck, gently guiding me up for one more kiss. I let my eyes fall shut.

"We finally made that last name official." Abby smiles against my lips once we pull away.

"Yeah." I hum. "We finally did."

END

[youremyonlyhope]

Starship Rewatch

10 years ago today (well, yesterday since I’m posting it a day later), 15 year old Hope curled up on her couch to watch a new StarKid show called Starship right as it dropped. This was the first time I got to watch a show when it was posted since I didn’t become a StarKid fan until a months earlier. I was so excited.

And now, I’m rewatching Starship for the first time in full in at least 5 years I think. I listened to the soundtrack twice earlier today, singing along at my desk at work (thank god no one else was here tonight to judge me). I still know so many of the lyrics. And so many little jokes and stuff were flooding back. Starship was my favorite StarKid show for a long time, so I’m so excited to watch this again to see if it’s still my fave.

This post ended up being really long, so you’ve been warned. But it also includes pictures of the crocheted Roach and Bugette plushies that I made as a teen.

OH. THE OLD LOGO. AHHH. I already have so many feels. The future is now! I can’t handle this. The nostalgia! The Galactic League of Extraterrestrial Exploration. My facebook account to this day says I am a Starship Ranger at the G.L.E.E. because I’ve never bothered to change it. Also, shoutout to anyone from the StarKidPotter FB and EFST days if you’re reading this. AHHH IT’S CHRIS AND ERIC. Ok I might have to pause 20 thousand times during this Starship Ranger ad to acknowledge all the StarKid cameos. Tyler! “We come to conquer... in peace!” Tyler I love you. Brian and Richard! I forgot they painted Richard BLUE. Britney and Ariel! Nicholas Joseph Stauss-Matathia! I see that StarKid’s website has shortened his name to just Nicholas Strauss but remember the days when we’d purposefully say his full name? Anyway, I literally just screamed “NICK” when I saw him because he was always one of my faves. The Old Snatch was and still is iconic. Devin and Lily! The Wizard God himself, AJ Holmes. God... remember those AJ Holmes appreciation days where we’d make Chuck Norris-like memes about AJ? So much is rushing back from the depths of my mind oh my god... It’s been so long yet it feels like yesterday... “Someone really *static* F- *static* -ucked up big time” Love it.

2 minutes and 22 seconds in. I’ve written so much. I had to pause before Joey started singing to take a moment. I love this show so much. I love these goofballs so much. And they’re all so young. Most of them are younger than I am now. This is insane.

Ok I have to promise myself not to pause as much now. *Spoiler, I failed*

“I’ll fight off this gamma radiation if it’s the last thing I ever do!... We’re going down! This is the last thing I’ll ever do!” Oh my god. Look at baby Joey. He hasn’t even graduated from college yet. And that Bug puppet! Someone remind me to dig up the pictures of my crocheted plushies of Starship puppets since I made Roach and Bugette and gave them to the StarKids at SPACE and Apocalyptour. (I also did Rumbleroar, but the bugs were my own pattern I made so I was more proud) The camera is focused in on Bug instead of Joey’s face. I love it. So much. Brannnttttttt. My god. Am I gonna freak out over every single entrance? Roach pretending to die, he’s the best friend ever. “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs.” “Or the one bug, I know.” Oh man, when that line comes back... “Dirt eater” “Exoskeleton polisher” “I wanna build honeycombs” “The bug that ruins your picnic” “A fly on the wall!” That line came back to me earlier today and I died. Remembering that line was like 50% of the reason I listened to the soundtrack today.

Nick Lang! Julia! LAUREN LOPEZ. THERE SHE IS. Lovebugs, I can’t. *Sentimental music* “You could come over to my nest and I could... tear off your head and let my larva devour your body?” How did I forget that line? The way Lauren has to kick Bugette’s larva sack to walk. But the way that it also works so well with the character. I can’t. The Mosquito Brothers!! I forgot they show up so early. “This is our sister, Sweetheart” “...YO.” I CANNOT HANDLE JIM POVOLO. The “zzzz”s like buzzing as backing vocals instead of the usual “ahs” and “oohs.” The things you don’t appreciate until years later. Darren, you genius. That is such a good detail. For a second I couldn’t remember who the Overqueen is played by. 99% sure it’s Jim (It is). Also. Overqueen like ovary... and it looks like a giant vagina. That had to be pointed out to me later. “FLATTERY WILL GET YOU... everywhere.” Why did I forget that line too? “I’m a starship ranger” “Quiet you, you’re drunk” “No I’m drunk!” I remembered that line probably like... 2 minutes earlier when I noticed Joe huddling in the background and realized that line was coming up. The way Joey lets go of the puppet so both he and the puppet walk away with their arms limp... so cute.

Before even pressing play on part 3, I can hear February saying “Let the record show I am super ahead of schedule.” and I’m dying. I forgot about Brian as the escape pod. Denise Donovan! That Star Trek prop. I’m dumb so I can’t remember if it’s a communicator or what. But I know my Uhura Barbie had a mini one that I lost within a month probably. “OxyGen” “Schience” I can’t. “Mission Log... I think I just heard a spooky noise.” How am I forgetting all of these amazing lines? “Pika-pi!” AHHH I JUST SCREAMED. “My stars, I seemed to have landed in a field of these aMiNals!” I can’t. “Can I tell you guys something?” *port de bras and falls gently to the ground* “Hello!” “TOTORO!” I’m dead. The balloon mechanism on the mosquitos! I forgot about that! “HOLY SHIT IT’S A BUUUUGGGGG” Ok something I noticed but didn’t mention earlier. The bug puppet that Joe uses when he says “I had my heart set on nourishment” is the same one red and pink one that Julia used when talking about wanting to be nourishment. When Julia actually gets eaten, she’s using a different bug puppet, the green and pink one, but the same character voice. So, I can’t tell if they intentionally had her play 2 bugs so Joe could be one of them later, or if it was a mistake. I might also just be overthinking things. “ME THINKS IT WENT THAT-A-WAY” I cannot handle Jim Povolo. That scream Joe does as he slimes her. Woah I originally wrote “There seems to be no signs of intelligent lifeforms anywhere” earlier and then deleted it since I don’t know why I found it remarkable. And then looking at the comments of this part I see someone mentioned a Toy Story reference. So that’s why that line stuck out to me. Aww StarKid. There are so many Disney references in this show.

THERE SHE IS. THERE’S MY GIRL TAZ. The pew pew effects how could I forget that!  “Hey Taz. You’re pretty tough for a chick.” “I was just going to say the same thing about you.” “Woahhhhhhhh” JoMo oh my god. “My spectrometer readings are off the wazooooooo” That line kills me. Why am I JUST NOW noticing, 10 years later, that Tootsie enters this scene with his gun facing the wrong way. Oh my god. “I saw the empirical proof that science killed god. It’s comforting to know he was once alive though. I like to think that when he died, he went to heaven.” Oh Tootsie Noodles. “...What the hell kind of name is that?” “He’s got bear hands??” Why do I forget all of these lines??!? That record scratch and freeze frame to go “BOOOOOO” oh my god I forgot that. “Like the other day, he was in the cafeteria, just cah-rying in front of everybody.” BOOOOOOO. Here we go, Taz’s amazing Up monologue. “And when Up, cuts an onion, the ONION is the one who cry.” HELP. Also 99% sure I used that joke for AJ appreciation at least one year. “Now take a walk off my knife” What a line. So awesome. I remember having a profile pic on FB that was the text of that monologue and the image of Lauren screaming “WALK IT OFF” I’m still convinced that first “WOO” from the audience that we hear when Up enters is Darren. “I do not peepee sitting down” “Huh??” JoMo’s face as if he’s trying his hardest not to laugh and I can’t tell if that’s him breaking character or if Krayonder is actually trying not to laugh. “I peepee like big boy, deadgoddamnit. So stop making fun of me because it hurts my feelings” I’m dying. Also, deadgoddamnit is amazing. “if you don’t go out there and die for something, then I will kill you for nothing.” I remembered the mirror scene, just seconds before it started and already started laughing. “You’re not a failure, overall.” “Allow me to introduce you to the final member of your team. MegaGirl!” I forgot how DRAMATIC that was. I also forgot that’s how MegaGirl comes into the story.

I need to stop pausing every 5 seconds oh my god I’ll never finish this tonight if I don’t.

“All hail AstroBoy” That was the funniest line. “MegaGirl, can you kill humans?” “No. But I’d like to.” I can’t handle it. “A horse ate my cousin! Me and horses got a feud.” #1 MegaGirl doing the “I’m watching you” hand sign. I can’t. “Hey. Miráme. *Slaps* NOW ESCHUCHAME” amazing. “Or that time. You taught me calculus... CALCULUS WAS TOUGH.” I never went past pre-calc. Nope. Ah. Get Back Up. One of my fave songs. “And now we dance.” Dylan’s “OW” as they lean back. “Ok Idiotas. Say something nice. Or I will kill you.” It’s all so iconic.

“So you still think being an egg planter is lame?” “...Yes.”  The larva oh my god. I forgot we see one before the end. That’s Jaime playing the larva I think. Life is definitely one of my all-time favorite StarKid songs to this day. I wish it was longer. I love it so much. And I love that its instrumental is scattered as a motif throughout the show. “It’s a short, small thing we lead. With so much potential, pointless or essential, which one can I be?” Wow. Near Pippin levels of giving me an existential crisis. Also wow Joey improved his singing so much between AVPS and Starship. “My name’s Bug” “*Gasp!* Like a bug??” “Uh... no.” “Good. I’m February, like the month, but a person.” I should start saying that honestly. “I’m Hope, like the concept, but a person.” “You boldly go where every man -hey- woman -bark woof- or data dog has ever gone before! Sorry K9DX” Adorable. Joey’s subtle little double nod he makes the Bug puppet do when he’s shocked she thinks he’s a Starship Ranger. Amazing. Ah he said goddamn not deadgoddamn! February should have known right then he wasn’t human! “Take my claw” that too. "The only thing that needs to rest are your jokes, because they are so tired.” “Woahhhhhh” No but like... why don’t I use that line in everyday life... “Now I am slightly less weak.” “Ok. I’m going to shoot this metal bitch!” I’m dying. How did I forget the Taz/MegaGirl rivalry?? “That thing is a R-O-B-O-T man” “Can’t fool me with numbers, Krayonder.” I’m dead. “The stack of hay was my cousin!” #2 The way Meredith says “barometric pressure” is great. And Tootsie saying “Well you must take real good care of it, because I never would have guessed.” He’s such a sweetheart. “Nobody shoot dammit, nobody shoot.” “KILL KILL KILL” I never really liked Hideous Creatures but it’s so cute to see MegaGirl do the choreo robotically. I love that the Gap hasn’t changed. “Cool it skank, you do not know me.” Another line that I forgot until a split second before it was said. I’m so glad whoever edited this added some pews going in the wrong way for Tootsie’s gun. I know I definitely noticed Tootsie’s gun was backwards during this part, but I don’t know if I noticed it was backwards in that very first scene too. I forgot about MegaGirl tossing out Specs. That “MEGAGIRL!!!” scream from Joe though.

“Never in my 6 long days of life.” Underappreciated joke. Also, I think this is the 4th unique upright bug puppet. We got red/pink, green/blue, green/pink, and now red/blue. Also, Nick Lang is a great puppeteer. “Yes, I helped her escape. But I swear, never in a million years, did I think I’d be caught and yelled at for it!”  Oh I forgot Bugette is the witness. Jaime’s angry face behind Joey is killing me. “He didn’t know the humans were evil.” “Oh, they’re not.” “Shut up!” Humoons and hoomans. “And no more singing or dancing” *gasps of horror* “The Overqueen has overspoken.” “Well, that’s not gonna help your chances with Bugette” Oh Roach. “PERHAPS.” Jim destroys me.

God the 4-person Pincer puppet. Amazing. Dylan’s arms being strong enough to be above his head for 10 minutes straight. Amazing. Also, Nick Lang is so emotive as a claw. It took me a sec but yeah JoMo is the tail. “There were? Where are they?” Joey’s face. “Tell me all about her” The claws under the chin I can’t. Hey StarKid, I see you throwing in an ad mid-video before Kick It Up a Notch. You’re lucky I love and support you guys. “Put ‘em together and what have you got?” bibbity boppity boo. More Disney references! This scene is full of them. Man, remember when we were all blown away by Dylan’s voice in this song the first time? Like we could tell he could sing in AVPM/S, but his songs were just so jokey and only his long “Welcooooooooooome” showed us his talent. But then Kick It Up a Notch happened. And we FINALLY appreciated Dylan’s beautiful voice. “I pushed it to the limit.” and “To coin a phrase, be a man.” more Disney. I might be overthinking this and will have to rewatch Life to confirm, but I think the camera zooming out as Pincer reprises Life is just like the camerawork when Bug sang it originally. If so, then wow even when filming their shows StarKid really thinks it all through. (Update: It totally is referencing the original zooms for Life and that’s amazing. Except it’s zooming out instead of in. I LOVE the attention to detail even in filming the show. I’m gonna guess that’s Liam’s doing.) All I can see when I hear Bug’s chorus of this song is Jaime and her SPACE tour dancing, which they incorporated in Apocalyptour as actual choreography. Because they’re goofballs. The kick line. Love it. God. Even though it’s not my favorite song from Starship (just because I love Life and Beauty more), Kick It Up A Notch is one of the best StarKid has ever done. I really has everything. Dylan’s gorgeous voice. Not one but two reprises of earlier songs to throw Bug’s own words back at him. Jim’s bass line. Awesome puppets. Disney references. It’s so amazing. I love how all the comments are either about Dylan’s voice or Dylan’s ability to hold his arms up for a 10+ minute scene or both.

"Gameover man, gameover!” “I feel like cutting open your belly, and filling it with jelly” *Gasps* Oh my god, I put on the captions for a second, and  the caption said *Sad spayed puppy noises* “I am in charge of this mission now.” How did I forget about the mustache until 2 seconds before it happened? “She’s got the mustache now. *Kisses head* I love you” Oh my god Tootsie. I FORGOT ABOUT THE SECOND STACHE. There’s an ad right when we see Bug’s human form and I can’t even care because look at him! Ahhh. And the blue headband! Ahhhhh. Joey you’re so adorableeeee. “Bug? Well that’s a fine name.” His concerned face then the relief. Adorable. “Thank you sir. I am a tough bitch.” “Getting nothing but bug muff?!?” I love the slight delay the audience has before laughing as they realize what was just said. “Bug. You hard, ese. You flame.” I die. “Up there. In Space!” *dramatic pointing* No I totally didn’t just do the dramatic pointing with them... no that’s not in my muscle memory from 10 years ago... why would you think that. I’ll rave about Status Quo after it’s done. “But, what if I miss you?” Awwwwwwwww. And that “Just look up.” screenshot was used for “This.” memes in the fandom for years.

Oh Joey. Status Quo is such a good song too. And he really did improve as a singer to sing it. Earlier this week I remembered that this week is also the 10th anniversary of that time Darren was hopping from city to city every single day to promote the Warblers album. And at one point in that week he did a livestream that I remember rushing home to watch. In that livestream, I am 99% sure he sang Status Quo as a little sneak preview for Starship being released later that week. (Just checked, yep he sang it in a livestream on April 20 2011) God I love this song. Then the version the boys all sang for SPACE Tour was beyond beautiful too. Ahhh I love this musical.

Ok. It’s almost midnight. I started this 3 hours ago. I’m probably not finishing the show until 2am at the rate that I’m pausing and stopping to comment. But OH WELL.

“Dr. Spaceclaw” wow. “Leaving them behind was of little consequence, but a pleasure.” Oh Megagirl. “You did a very good job today too, son.” “*Gasp* Thanks dad.” That Star Wars fake-out though. Speaking of Star Wars, I really need to rewatch Ani now that I’m actively a Star Wars fan unlike last time when I still wasn’t invested in the movies I just watched them. How did I forget about Jaime playing Junior’s new mom?? ...Does Junior get an alien incubating in his chest... is that foreshadowing... I can’t remember. (This was like... half a foreshadow) This scene is funnier now that Breredith is married. The way Junior says “Phew” I’m dead. I remembered how they restrain MegaGirl once again 2 seconds before it happened oh my god. “We deserve bubbles on our skin.” An iconic line. “Well thank the long dead god you made it, Bug!”  The crunching of the handshake, I can’t. Oh someone in the comments pointed out that Bug and February are doing the Tarzan hand thing while Up’s asking Taz to see a movie. Adorable.

Get yourself a man like Tootsie who won’t stand for you talking down about yourself. “Maybe this was all part of God’s plan. He made before he died.” I love the dead god jokes. I remember years ago some kid on facebook was like “The dead god jokes are offensive” and I was like “It’s a sci-fi musical about a bug in a human body but sure worry about god being dead.” but probably in an even more immature answer. I’m just mesmerized by Tootsie and MegaGirl’s verses. God. The first Dylan and Meredith duet. Amazing. And MegaGirl’s confused face is great. “Don’t press that button, or we’ll all be sucked into space.” So... Can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Oh shoot... ok wait no I’ll comment on that when we get there. God that is such a cute love song. I wrote barely anything just because I love that song so much. Would love to know where Tootsie’s taking her though.

Oh my god this scene! I forgot about this. How could I forget this. “Well the world always looks a little bit brighter, from on top of a lap.” I had remembered Bug sitting on Up’s lap, but not Specs. This is the part I forgot. Adorable. Ahhhh so cute. The Specs/Krayonder relationship was apparently cut from the filmed version, but was present if you saw it live. These moments are adorable. And I love how this is the second person JoMo’s had to carry in this show since he also carried Denise earlier. “Why if it isn’t Bug, my oldest friend.” and “Don’t say that, my dear.” are adorable. Oh wait. Up sat on Bug’s lap. Not the other way around. Ok. I didn’t remember this scene as well as I thought I did. I’m dying. I didn’t want to write anything during this, but oh my god “That son of a bitch Optimus Prime” I forgot that. I love the audience’s reaction to “The entire right side of my body, it’s a robot” because they all gasp, and then laugh at themselves for gasping. I knew there was something he couldn’t do without crying. I didn’t remember it being “Sir I Wanna Buy These Shoes” Christmas Song. It’s ok Up, I haven’t listened to that song in full in years. I can’t handle it. But Christmas songs in general make me cry too. Oh Up said goddamn instead of deadgoddamn too. Hmm... Aww the mother spider story. “I think the old you was just killing out of hate.” “Oh I was.” I’m dying. Awwww the nose kiss. I definitely remembered that. “Deadgodspeed soldier!” The way Joey misses catching the keys and also Darren’s “Woo!” in the audience again. So great. That 12 minute scene is just adorable and the Up story is so dramatic and hilarious.

Hmm finishing before 2am might be ambitious... “Hahaha. Then I’ll shoot him!” “Taking care of my business down on the planet is that cool with you?” Brian’s delivery of that line has always intrigued me. “How much I care about my MegaGirl unit’s survival is also a percent equivalent to zero” Rude. “You are nothing like my boyfriend, Tootsie Noodles.” “Yes, well - wait WHAAA” This scene is so different now that they’re married. “Ha. Ha. It was cute.” “You’re... a toaster.” *Slaps* Ok 1) I used to use that insult all the time and only half ironically. I was a strange teenager. 2) She just hurt a human... isn’t that against programming, or can she just not kill humans? Evil angry Brolden is something we need more of. I love Brian as a villain. More please. “You stupid goddamn robot” So I guess they say goddamn and deadgoddamnit. I’m overthinking the evolution of language in this universe. Also Brian’s screams while being choked are amazing. I’ve never forgotten those, if anything they’re better now.

AHHHH I REFRESHED AND DELETED ALL OF MY STUFF FOR BEAUTY. Kill me. I’m so mad. Let me try to recreate it but I hate myself. I was saving this draft after every part but OF COURSE I don’t save after my favorite song and then refresh.

Oh poor Meredith. Her white wig doesn’t let her blend in as much when she’s in the hoodies playing a bug. “Oh hey Bugette, we’re just trying to get Bug laid!” That bug had to know about Bugette’s crush though? That’s just cruel. “The ending is killer” ruuuuuuddddddddddeee. I know I had at least one more point, but that’s lost to the ether. Beauty is probably my fave, if not tied with Life. When I was listening to it earlier, I was overcome with emotion because it’s just such a joyful song. These days I cry over happy stuff almost as much as I cry over the sad. And these lines just hit so hard... I love it. I love this song so much and this scene so much. “Bug. She excreted her filth for you. WE DID IT!!!!!!!!” Brant Cox is so good. It really is a shame he’s not in anything else besides AVPSY and the 10th Anniversary with everyone else. “I do accept you for who you really are. A genius.” Well February, you’ll be glad to know that you thought of that, so you’re the genius. Wow. Junior’s 25, Brian was 25, and now I’m 25. This really was perfect timing for the 10th anniversary. Also I do not feel 25. “Suck off!” amazing.

I’M SAVING THIS TIME.

Ok next part. Luckily I was only 1 minute into the next part when I refreshed. Still so mad at myself... “Someone really firetrucked up big time” (Dead)God I love that line. I also used firetruck unironically. Once again, I was a strange teenager and I didn’t like cursing and I still don’t. “This is so weird, I’m so used to the scrambly version.” (It was while writing this line the first time that I refreshed and lost Beauty....) Ok as I watch AJ, it’s hitting me that he almost definitely came to the set during rehearsals and filmed his part since it’s not a green screen like the rest of them. “The hunters have become the hunted, and it’s wabbit season.” “That was a good video, until the end when it got sad.” Thanks Bug. “I think, I just had a think” See February’s smart. “I’m in a weird situation” Love that line. “Bug is a BUG!? I DON’T BELIEVE IT” Oh Junior. Dylan’s insulted face at “I am not... a dumbass.”  So I can’t tell if Brian forgets he’s trapped when he moves his arms into a more relaxed position to lean on the column and then puts them back, or if it’s purposefully staged that way. Brian’s acting while he pretends to be shy and embarrassed about his evil plan is amazing and adorable. Brian has a good evil laugh, why don’t we get him as a villain more often? Also I was gonna make some sort of joke about Nick as Pincer’s left claw vs. Robert as Snarl’s left paw, but I’ll leave it be.

I FORGOT ABOUT THAT WEIGHT TAZ WAS LIFTING JUST FLOATING UP TO THE SKY WHEN SHE LETS GO. I just laughed out loud. “Damn that G.L.E.E. They’re always making twisted abominations of everything!!” I cannot handle it. And the wink. Poor Darren but also not poor Darren at all. I was just now WRACKING my mind for who could possibly be playing Pincer’s tail if JoMo was being devoured by mosquitos. It’s Brant. Literally the entire cast is currently onstage. Ok Krayonder’s been getting his blood drained for 3 minutes, why is he alive? OH I FORGOT KRAYONDER GETS UP AND SHOOTS THE BUGS. Ok and he gets chopped by Pincer’s claws too so HOW does he survive? StarKid answer!!! I forgot how dramatic this musical gets when you got both the bugs and MegaGirl coming after the humans. Aww the Vulcan salute from Specs. “I changed my name. To Tootsie... MegaGirl.” I love the reactions of the people in the audience who immediately realize what that means. I hear at least one “oh my god” that sounds like sobbing. Awwwww Tootsie’s “that’s real” speech and “I’d love you if you was the horse that ate my cousin.” (#3) just... get yourself a man like Tootsie MegaGirl. He is perfection. God the downloading love scene is so cute. I can’t handle it.

The Up saving Taz scene is so dramatic. Then Brian and Jim just calmly walk offstage. It kills me. Also why did Jaime just continue to lie there? “I just needed to learn how to kill with my heart.” Not exactly what Bug meant, but it works. God Taz climbing onto Up’s back is still the most hilarious thing ever. Whoever thought of her climbing that way was a genius. So funny. I always wanted to try it. Holding the gun up to her head like a blowdryer always gave me anxiety. Making the door out of a scrim that can be backlit was genius. Oof and bringing back “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs. Or the one bug.” just hurts. Poor Bug. My heart. This is probably the line that sticks with me to this day and I do think about sometimes.

Ok it’s now 2am and I still have 2 more parts.

I sorta love that Joey didn’t have the time to change into his blacks so he’s still in the Starship Ranger suit while playing the Bug puppet. “Save the Overqueen. I love her.” Awww. “Roach, I’m gonna get the job done if it’s the second last thing I do.” Love it. That Kick It Up A Notch Reprise though. Brian, you should play villains more often. Also remember all of us being like “LUPIN CAN SING?!?!?!??!!” “Lucky for me, God is dead. When you see him in hell, tell him Junior sent you.” Deadgod I love that line. This whole deadgod thing was just leading up to that amazing line. Oh no Bugette! Bug saying “maestro” oh my god. “DFSDSJFDSJKFDS... I’m dead.” I forgot that part! Oh my god the way Brian flicks the glasses back down on his face. Ok so I saw Lauren wiggle her way behind the mucus sac, but I didn’t see Nick come onstage. I rewinded, and I guess the zoom in shots on Brian and Joey were timed so we can’t see Nick join Lauren to be the first larva to come out. Oh well. And I love the crowd cheering as Junior dies. “And bingo was his name-o” That callback though. I forgot that the Overqueen eats Bugette’s body while crying. “Or Bugette! Oh...” Also god Roach is adorable.

Last part. 2:21am. Here we go. Krayonder got his blood sucked out by giant mosquitos and was cut up by a giant scorpion, but all he needs is a bandage around his head. Awwww the soft “I Wanna Be” playing the background as Bug begs the team to accept his bug form. Bug being so mad “It’s that bastard Pincer isn’t it?” and then being so happy that Joey does the little nose scrunch thing. So cute. JOEY’S FACE WHEN DENISE KISSES THE BUG PUPPET. Cannot believe I forgot that until 2 seconds before it happened too. “I now pronounce you man vs. machine. Fight!” WOAH. Why in the WORLD did “eep op ork ahah” come back to me. I was able to say it WITH Joey. That was straight from the DEPTHS of my teenage brain oh my god. I forgot about that oh my GOD. THAT’S INSANE. I FORGOT SO MUCH STUFF BUT I REMEMBERED HOW TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” IN BUG.

And the Beauty reprise.

God I love this musical. It’s still my fave StarKid show I think. And I’m horrified to see that it has only 500K views for the last part, so only 500K people have watched it all the way through after 10 years. That’s disgraceful. It’s amazing. Watch Starship.

It is 2:32am. I started at 8:50pm. Got sidetracked when I had to rewatch the Beauty part of Act 2 again to make sure I got my notes back in the post. Took a few bathroom breaks. But this is mostly because I paused every like 10 seconds to make a comment, so it took 5 and a half hours to watch a 3 hour musical. This why I take forever to watch things while liveblogging. I take too long to writing notes.

I’ll probably just post this in the morning. Gotta proofread for mistakes before posting.

Ok it’s the next afternoon. This post is literally 5,000+ words and takes 20 minutes to read according to a online word counter. I’m sorry to whoever read this entire thing. Your reward is the pictures of the Starship plushies I crocheted when I was 15 and 16.

(Ignore the bad lighting and my horribly chipped paint. That’s the only picture I have of the Bugette one since I gave it to Lauren Lopez a day later. I started making another for myself shortly after but never finished. Maybe I should finally finish the second one... hmm...)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #424

“got no superspeed, but i’m running this town”

What is the first line in the song you are currently listening to/last listened to? "I’m running out of time; I hope that I can save you somehow.” Are you an easy lay? Not in the slightest. What was the last reason you cried? Life and how inexplicably I'm failing at it. What’s hurting you right now? More like what isn't. Do you remember important dates? Only some. I'm awful with numbers. Do you own anything with the Playboy Bunny on it? No. Do you own a bean bag chair? No. Have you ever played Gamecube? At a friend's house. Have you ever played with toy cars before? Yeah, with my nephew. He LOVES monster trucks. Have you ever touched a caterpillar? Oh, definitely. I loved picking them up as a kid. What is your favorite kind of salad? Just plain 'ole iceberg lettuce with ranch, really. Are you any good at Ping-Pong? Holy hell no, I SUCK. What was/is your high school mascot? A firebird. Can you make cute little animals by folding paper? God no, I'm awful at origami. Like, I have zero concept of how to do it. What kind of music do you like? Various types of metal and rock. Do you like apple juice? Yeah. Do you like to draw? It's funny, like I do love it, but I barely ever do it because I get frustrated when I can't get what's in my head onto paper. What do you put on your french fries? Generally ketchup. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed? Two. Do you want to have a big family in the future? I don't want kids, just pets. Probably a lot of pets. Is Vegas one of your must-see places? No. Pet rat: yay or nay? I've had multiple pet rats and I adore them. I've come to find I'm not the best at keeping rodents because changing the bedding so much sucks ass, but nevertheless they are fantastic pets for people who don't mind the maintenance. Would you call yourself a writer? Written any stories lately? Yes. I haven't written in a while, though. I just have absolutely zero motivation to RP. Are you good at reading people's body language? I probably overanalyze it, really. Ever threatened somebody and actually went through with it? I don’t threaten people. Does holding newborn babies scare you? Extremely. I feel like they're made of thin glass. Piercings: yay or nay? I LOVE piercings. They add an interesting touch to your appearance and to me just (usually) look super cool. There are very few piercings I don't like. Do you have a collage of pictures in your bedroom? No, but I want to make a motivation board very badly. Favorite Nicholas Cage movie? Ghost Rider. Were video games better in the 1980s, 1990s, or the 2000s? Why? '80s games bore me honestly, but I love some '90s and many 2000s games. I've got to say ultimately newer games win, because of graphics increasing immersion (no, I do not whatsoever believe graphics are everything or always make a better experience), voice acting improving immensely, etc. Have you ever watched The Beverly Hillbillies? Yes! Mom loves it so I used to watch it a lot with her as a kid. I'd still watch it. Did your mother ever sing lullabies to you when you were younger? Yes. Are you ready to get out of this town? I HATE THIS TOOOWN, IT'S SO WASHED UUU-UP, AND ALL MY FRIENDS DON'T GIVE A FUUU-UUUUUCK god hell yes get me the fuck out. Do you know anybody that is pregnant right now? Quite a few. What are you listening to? "Superluv” by Shane Dawson. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? No. Does your father have any facial hair? Yes. Did your grandparents teach you anything? My maternal grandmother, the only one I really ever knew, taught me I'm a disappointment, pretty much. And a bitch. Do you want/have a Bachelor’s degree? It'd be nice to have one, but I don't, and I'm not pursuing it again. I've wasted enough of my parents' money. Are you into superheroes? Who’s your favourite? Not seriously, but I enjoy them well enough. I like Spider-Man. What did you have for dinner last night? Mom ordered Mexican. I had two shrimp and cheese quesadillas and rice with cheese. Do you think you look similar to your siblings? No. Have you ever played Cards Against Humanity? Did you like it? Yeah, it's fun. Do you know your best friend’s middle name? Yes. Are you close to your father? I am. Have you ever had a serious conversation with your dad? Yeah. Would you rather have long or short hair? I enjoy having short hair way more. Who did you go/plan on going with to prom? I went with Jason twice. Have you ever been to a debate and speech tournament? Hell no, and I never would. Arguing makes me cry lmao. Are you someone who enjoys stand-up comedy? Yep. What’s one thing that scares you about living alone and being independent? A lot of things do, but one thing in specific that I fear is that I let the house become cluttered and messy. I'm so shit at cleaning, especially when I'm depressed. It's why my own bedroom isn't even fully decorated, and we've lived here since I wanna say last November. If someone offered you an all-expenses paid trip to one European country, where would you go and why? Germany, 'cuz I enjoy the culture and would love to try some foods and visit places. Have you ever won anything on the lottery? No. Are you interested in the World Cup? I couldn't possibly care less. What’s the longest time you’ve ever been on a plane for? Idk. Do you let your hair dry naturally or do you towel-dry it or blow dry it? I use a towel to dry it some, then let it really get the job done naturally. How many of the Harry Potter books have you read? None. Who last gave you their number? When I posted on Facebook about going on a mental health hiatus, my good friend Alon messaged me her number if I ever needed to talk. I was really thankful. Are you often the last one to understand a joke? Honestly yeah. I'm slow to grasp a lot of things. Your first black eye: Did you give it or get it? Never gotten or given one. Have you ever slept in a tent, indoors or out? Yes to both. Are you mad right now? I'm annoyed, but not mad. Are you allergic to nuts or dairy products? No. Has anyone ever called the cops on you? No. Do you ever actually drink milk alone? Yeah, I love milk. Do you have a sensitive gag reflex? It is EXTREMELY sensitive. What was the last situation to upset you? I'd rather not talk about it. Have you ever had an online argument? I have been heavily active on the Internet since I was like, 11. Maybe younger. I have been in plenty. Are you at risk for any medical issues? A lot of heart problems run in my family. I'm also suspicious I may develop diabetes, which also runs very heavily in my family. What were you doing at 7:00 a.m.? Surprisingly, I was asleep. Do you own a robe? No. What would you consider your life to be? A wreck. What is your favorite mark of punctuation? I like question marks. Who knows your biggest secret? Nobody. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Probably not. How do you know? I just doubt it. I'm so unlikable right now. Could you go a day without eating? I don't think I could. I do not react to stomach pain well, and that includes when I'm hungry. How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? None. What’s your favorite drink? Strawberry Sunkist, but I don't allow myself to have it. I will DESTROY a can or five of it. Who was the last person that texted you? My mom. What are you craving? Nothing really right now. What was the first thing you ate today? An everything bagel. What was the last type of meat you ate? Pork. Have you taken any medication today? Yeah, I take some prescription meds in the morning and at night. Have you ever been to Hawaii? No, but that'd be cool. Do you know anyone who has diabetes? My mom, for one. Have you ever made a boy cry? Sadly. Who are you talking to? Nobody. Do you think you’ve ruined your chances with someone? Absolutely. Your parents split; would you want to live with your mom or dad? My parents are divorced, and I stayed with Mom. Would you strongly prefer to go out with someone of your own skin color/racial background? I couldn't care less. For you personally, is abortion an option in case of an accidental pregnancy? For others, absolutely. It's your right. For me myself, it's possible, idk. If I was God forbid raped, I probably would have an abortion. If I accidentally got pregnant in a healthy relationship, I'd probably have a "too bad, so sad" outlook where I'd suck it up and go through with the gestation because having sex and risking pregnancy was my own decision. Even if I'm pro-choice, I think I'd feel too guilty aborting, especially with the child being someone's I love. Is it a requirement that you communicate every day with your significant other (via phone, text, in person, whatever)? IF I had an s/o, no. I like to, but sometimes you just want space. Are you fetish-friendly? I'm not gonna lie, some fetishes are just too fucking weird for me. I TRY not to judge, because I doubt you can actually help fetishes, but I inevitably do sometimes. If you're asking would I engage in fetishes because my s/o liked them, possibly, but it would really depend on what it is. Have you ever cosplayed? No. I think cosplay is really cool, though. Do you support the exploration of outer space? If yes, would you consider taking a trip into space, or even to another planet? As creatures who crave knowledge and understanding of our universe, I do support space exploration, but I do NOT believe we should be spending as much money as we do on it. Taking care of the planet we're actually on is far more important imo. I wouldn't personally go to outer space. Is it okay for men to wear makeup? What’s your opinion of male crossdressers? It's totally okay! Guys with makeup can be super attractive. Crossdressers, too. Go for it. You’re in a new relationship and your partner admits that they have had 14 sexual partners. Does that sound like a lot to you? For me personally, yes. I don't even know if I'd date someone with 14 past sexual partners, honestly. I would admittedly question their loyalty. Would you let your children under 13 watch movies with full nudity? No. If someone asked you, “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” would you know the answer right away? I would. What is your opinion concerning strip clubs? Not my scene at all, but so long as you respect the dancers, whatever. You do you.

[silke-doomflare]

Meet the character: Silke

BASICS

► Name ➔  “Silke Doomflare. And yes, it’s got something to do with my profession!”

► Are you single ➔ Silke’s eyes suddenly get a bit wider. She blinks, and then purses her lips, becoming oddly interested in the nearby wall. “It’s complicated.”

► Are you happy ➔  “Mm, yeah, I guess I could say so”, she states after thinking for a moment. “I’m studying things I love, my family is safe and alive, I have a handful of people I could consider my friends.. Can’t really complain, although a little bit more gil wouldn’t hurt...”

► Are you angry? ➔  “Well, usually not. Though, at the moment I’m a bit pissed off at a certain colleague of mine who loudly and unnecessarily harshly judged my thesis of pyromancy in front of our professor and classmates. Like, hellooo? You can give critique and still be polite about it, geez…”

► Are your parents still married ➔  “They are”, Silke nods proudly. "I’ve seen so many broken families lately. I feel very privileged… and lucky.”

EIGHT FACTS

► Birth Place ➔ “I’ve heard it was the place named Skatay Range. But I can’t remember a thing from it. I was so young when I was taken by slavers. So I like to think Kugane as my real birth place, since I grew up there.“

► Hair Color ➔ “Black I guess? At least it was the last time I checked! In bright light it looks like dark grey, though.”

► Eye Color ➔ Silke leans closer, so that the deep turquoise can hardly be missed. "You have troubles with your eyes or what? I happen to partly know a shady medic from a certain dark alley nearby. Want to know the address?”

► Birthday ➔ “Ninth sun of the first astral moon, I’ve heard.”

► Mood ➔ “Right now? I guess I’m feeling somewhat eager. There’s this new portal we’re going to test out tomorrow, and I was permitted to take part in it. Can you believe that? Usually they’re just like ‘no, Silke, don’t touch it, don’t touch anything’, but this time I’m allowed in. They must’ve finally noticed the genius I am.“

► Gender ➔ “God!” Silke yells and gets on her feet, pointing towards the roof. A long silence follows. “Seriously! Have you ever seen me on a battlefield? Have you seen the havoc I’ve --- no? Oh...”

► Summer or winter ➔ “Agh, such a difficult question. I like both. I like to swim and lay on a soft grass under a tree. But then again I also like to drink hot cocoa when it’s cold, wrap myself up into a blanket and watch the flames of our fireplace or snow falling outside.“

► Morning or afternoon ➔ “Afternoon of course? I’m not even awake before noon… no, wait. I like sleeping as well. Both?”

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

► Are you in love ➔ “Of course I am. If we don’t count the feeling of aether flowing through me while I cast spells and blow things to smithereens, I love most the smell of old tomes, parchment, ink and all sorts of sweets, especially ice-cream. I also love chocobos. If it wasn’t possible to be a mage I’d definitely become a chocobo breeder. Perhaps I’ll become one when my career is over and spells no longer stay in my head. I’ll retire and start breeding chocobos. Yes, a perfect plan!“

► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ “I definitely do! I fell in love with my dog the moment I saw him. Have you ever visited Kugane? Well anyway, they have these small, orange, pointy eared and curly tailed dogs there in almost every house. It’s like their national dog or something, they’re so popular.”

► Who ended your last relationship ➔ “I hate to admit this, but it was him… I thought we were doing fine, but one day he started to complain I didn’t give him enough attention, and that I was studying too much. I mean… how can one even study too much? I don’t get it.“

► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔  “I guess I have. Not on purpose, though! Honestly, some people are so sensitive it’s harder not to break their hearts, geez… What an annoying subject to talk about, anyway.” Silke ruffles her head uneasily.

► Are you afraid of commitments ➔ “Of course not. I wouldn’t be able to ever become an archmage if I wasn’t dedicated to my studies.“

► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ Silke’s usually cheerful expression grows darker suddenly. "My sister. We don’t see very often, but when we do, I try to show my care as much as I can. She’s hanging out with shady folk sometimes, and I can’t help but worry at times will she come home or not.”

► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ “I surely hope not! Would be creepy to have someone admiring you from afar, without letting you know. Isn’t that like stalking? It’s only good manners to make yourself known so we can find out do we get along or not.“

► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ “No, I don’t think so. Or perhaps I once almost did… there was this huge tome - as big as those holy scriptures they have in the cathedral - in a certain old bookstore. The merchant was old as sky and I was afraid they’d close the place soon. And the tome was expensive. I was a lot younger back then and didn’t have much money, and my sister was like ‘no Silke, you totally won’t buy a book written in some dead language no one can read to take more room in your previously cramped room and collect dust.’ At first I was about to leave it at that, but I ended up snitching money from her cache.” Silke grins impishly. “No regrets!”

SIX CHOICES

► Love or lust ➔ “I have to choose again? You’re, like, asking me do I like to enjoy nice things existing or actually take them to be mine.”

► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ “What if I started to ask you annoying questions like strawberries or chocolate? Can’t choose, huh? Huh?”

► Cats or Dogs ➔ Silke falls silent for a moment. “…just when I was yapping at you for silly questions. Dogs all the way! I like cats too, and maybe I would be more of a cat person if my first pet had been a cat. But it was a dog, and there’s no going back!“

► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ “A few best friends, absolutely. I have both, but I’ve noticed I enjoy the company of my closest friends a lot more. You can do all sorts of crazy stuff with them you can’t with anyone else.”

► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ “Definitely a wild night out! I have romantic nights by myself all the time with wine and chocolate and our fireplace, and I rarely get to go out.“

► Day or night ➔ “I like both, actually. At days I’m studying, and at nights I’m doing my homework.” Silke shrugs and grins.

FOUR HAVE YOU EVERS

► Been caught sneaking out ➔ Silke becomes more serious once more. “Like I told you, I was taken from my original home by slavers. Life wasn’t very nice back then. I tried to run, many times. But I was very small and weak, and they were big, strong and fast.”

► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔ “This actually happened during one of my escape attempts. I was lucky I didn’t die. I still have a scar left.“ Silke lifts her bangs and shows a scar near her temple.

► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ “Freedom. Yes… I think losing our loved ones is the first thing we usually think of when someone asks for the thing we fear the most. But I think losing your freedom would be even worse. If you’re free, you can always start anew, but if you’re being held captive, you can’t do anything. Nothing at all.”

► Wanted to disappear ➔ Silke gives a long look at you and raises an eyebrow again. “Considering the things I just told you, there just may have been such situations...”

FOUR PREFERENCES

► Smile or eyes ➔ “Mmh, both are important, but I think I like eyes more. I’m not a spiritual person, but I still think you can kind of see their soul there. Their essence. If they’re good or evil. The creepiest thing I’ve seen is probably living people with empty eyes, especially those without any kindness in them…”

► Shorter or Taller ➔ “Shorter, definitely. I’m quite short myself despite my heels and I don’t like it when someone looks down on me. Well, most of people  kind of have to, they can’t help it, but you know?“

► Intelligence or Attraction ➔  “Pff, do you even need to ask? Intelligence, of course. There are very few things that… truly infuriate me… But the one thing I absolutely can’t stand in others is chosen stupidity. Yes, chosen! Can you believe, that there truly exists people who don’t want to learn new things, be it about themselves or other people or the world that surrounds them?” Silke starts to imitate an elderly person, talking in a low, hoarse tone: “Silly girl. If we would discover new things or try them out, we would be in a situation we’ve never been in before.” She bursts into a mocking laughter. “Yes, someone really said that to me…”

► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ “Relationship, hands down. I’ve had my share of hook-ups.” Silke apparently can’t stop her eyes rolling towards the roof as a protest.

FAMILY

► Do you and your family get along ➔ “Yeah, we get along very well. I have some arguments every now and then with my two siblings, but nothing too serious.”

► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ “Not anymore. It used to be such a mess, though.” Silke lets out an uneasy laugh. “After me and Asagi were adopted, we got our life eventually back together. Despite a few ups and downs it’s been quite stable after that. A place to belong to and meaningful chores do wonders.”

► Have you ever ran away from home ➔ “No, definitely not. My parents have always been reasonable. Even during our wildest teenage years I can’t remember there would’ve been anything too major…“

► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ Silke has some difficulties holding back a sudden laughter. "I got kicked out of class, yeah! Though I still think it was unfair towards me. It wasn’t my fault. It was an alchemy class and I guess I had made some miscalculation with my mixture… I tried to tell my professor I’m not quite sure about it, but he just had to go and push his big head too close to the cauldron.”

FRIENDS

► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ “No, I don’t hate my friends. If I did, I wouldn’t be friends with them, would I? Some of them have some annoying traits, but... hate? Nah.“

► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ "Sadly no… I’ve had some… disappointments. You know, there’s quite a lot of people who seem like they’re good friends, but once you have a bad day, or few bad days, they suddenly disappear and want to hear nothing about it. So weird. I certainly wouldn’t abandon my friends like that.”

► Who is your best friend ➔ “Absolutely Iris. She’s a bit odd sometimes, in a good way though, and her vocabulary is quite vulgar and it upsets some people, but I think it’s hilarious. I’ve never met anyone so quick-witted before. There’s not a single boring moment while she’s around. Oh, and nowadays there’s also this certain miqo’te called Shaura. We haven’t known each other for very long, but just like with Iris, we just clicked right away.“

► Who knows everything about you ➔ “I think my sister might… I’ve tried to keep some secrets from her, like me loaning her gil without asking sometimes, but I think she knows. I have no idea how the heck! I mean, I’m smart, but she’s even smarter… If it was possible, I would like to change brains with her for a day or two. I want to know how she does it.”

[screamhole]

MY DATE WITH DEATH: A TRUE MEMORY & STORY

Did I ever tell you about my date with Death? Well, it’s a pretty horrible day where I’m at, so what better way to kill it than by spinning up one of my famous stories? And let me tell you, this one spins like a Beyblade in Hell on acid! 

Folks, let me tell you about the time I died, and all the fun I had along the way.

1. 

It all started in the bathroom, as so many classics do. I was brushing my teeth in the shower, as I am wont to do (note to reader: this means ‘as I want to do’; it looks dumb written out, but it’s actually smart as hell). Shower-brushing is a small time-saving trick of mine, which I never fail to apply on the daily. This day was no exception. I was all over those holy molars of mine when suddenly, I lost my footing on a bar of soap that I stand on (another of my time-saving manoeuvres) and I came tumbling down onto the slip mat. Slip is right, I thought, and would have made a note of that zinger had the toothbrush not become stuck in my windpipe. Choking, as I recall, I scrambled out of the tub and, knowing the house was empty because my wife Angie was at work, I rushed over to the neighbours’ apartment. Maybe they had air at their place, I thought. Sadly, I wasn’t quick enough; I was inches from their door when my body just couldn’t go anymore, and I collapsed on the landing floor. Luckily, I wasn’t naked; I had paused on the way to put on several pairs of pants. 

So that was it. Dead. Me. Me = Dead. Except it wasn’t how I expected. I mean, I wasn’t seeing all-nothing, or even all-black. In fact, I got up and saw myself, lying there, all-dead-and-all-soapy. “Ghost!”, I said. And I was right. I was a ghost. A ghost who got to hang around and see it all, as it unfolded over the next few hours: the neighbours finding me, the two police officers standing over my stiff, sud-ridden corpse. “What do you think, Sarge?” said the young one. “Another shower-sex hallway suicide?” “Don’t be stupid, kid” said the sergeant. “This guy’s wearing pants. I think we can chalk it up to a classic toothbrush-in-the-neck life hack gone wrong.”  “Good think I put on all those pants” I quipped, realising immediately that it was pointless because they couldn’t hear me. They couldn’t hear me! Damn, that was the deal, wasn’t it? You have to get all of the talking out of the way while you’re livin’. But there was so much I still needed to say about dyin’! This chin could be wagging forever, let me tell you. That’s some deal, huh? The one thing we all want to know about and here I am in the middle of it, with lips too stiff and dead to flap about it. How’s that for ass blastwards? So there I was, with a hell of a story to tell. And I knew there was only one person I’d be able to tell it to. 

Whoopi Goldberg. 

2. 

My grandma was dead. Is dead. She was dead, and now she is dead... again. Am I making sense here? She told me about the first time she died, back in the 90s. She was sucking on a Werther’s Original when it went down the wrong way and got stuck in her toaster and burned her house down. Lying on that hospital bed, she was legally dead for a good 27 minutes before they realised and resuscitated her (I think they were too busy watching some dumb Patrick Swayze movie on the communal television to notice). Thinking back, we all felt like she had gone crazy while she was dead, but now it seems there might have been some true-speak in all that wack-talk of hers. “If you ever die,” she once said to me as a kid, “If you die and you have to say something to a loved one, go to Whoopi Goldberg. I saw it. She helped me tell your grandfather he had soup on his good pants in the hospital, it was driving me crazy and was probably what set me off dying in the first place. I know it will work, son. If you need her, she’ll be there for you”. With those words in my ear, I packed a bag and headed out in search of Whoopi. 

I made it to the airport, and was having trouble scanning my passport with no corporeal form, when out of nowhere the whole room grew dim. People froze in motion, and there was an icy chill which took over the whole space. And then, a small light, like from the end of a tunnel, grew from behind the baggage claim. A screeching whistle came with it, before a train of bones roared past my face. The brakes braked, and as the bones ground to a halt out stepped a cloaked figure from the carriage. 

“Hello” he said. “You’re dead”. 

“I’m dead?” I asked. 

“You’re dead” he said. “And I’m Death.”

“You’re dead too?” I asked. 

“That’s right, I am Death” he said.

“Me too” I said. 

“I doubt it, kid” he said. “Anyway, sorry I’m late. There was some protest at Limbo station. All the staff walked out right after this demon... you know what? Not important. What is important is that you kicked your bucket. So hop on in, pup, next stop is your new forever home: Hell. OH. OH! That is, unless you want to play chess?” 

I turned away from the stranger. “Sorry, I don’t play that game… not anymore, that is.” I was kind of hoping that he would dig into my deep dark past relationship with the game of kings. 

“Suit yourself, friend” said Death. “Half the pieces are missing anyway. The one chess set on this hell train, you think these devil freaks are gonna put it back neatly? Fat chance. Anyhoodle, let’s get moving, up you come”. 

“I’m really going to Hell?”

“Yeah” said Death. “Frickin’ Hell City, USA. And unless you wanna effin’ play chess, kid, I don’t wanna hear any more fuckin’ back talk. Hop the eff on”. 

I couldn’t believe it. I had to escape; to re-live, and tell the tale of what death is like, and also what Death is like (note: make clear very handsome in second draft). A plan formed in my head, just like the plan to do a checkmate on the other guy forms in the head of a grand master chess player. “Oh, but Death,” I said “I really do want to play, but like you said we can’t play on that old set. It has no bishops”.  “That’s how we like it in Hell,” said Death, “it’s really more of a drinking game. Anyway, I take your point, kid; this chess board sucks. But where do you suggest we find a decent travel chess set at this hour, in this realm of existence? You got one in your great coat?” 

“No” I said. “But I think I have an idea. Let’s make a stop in… New York (maybe?)” 

3. 

Luckily, my plan worked out. I had managed to guess Whoopi Goldberg’s exact location: a Starbucks on 6th Avenue (note: check real place). I had also tricked Death into taking us there on the promise there’d be chess, and also he wanted a coffee. The train of bones crunched through the coffee shop window, shattering the glass and grinding the tables beneath it. Thankfully, this all played out in the dead dimension so it was totally fine. No one noticed. No one, that is, except Whoopi. 

“What the hell?!” she cried, jumping back from her table. 

“Whoopi,” I said climbing down, from the bone train, “you’ve got to help me. I’m dead and I know for an absolute fact you can send messages to the living.” 

“Oh I get it,” said Whoopi, “you think just because I played a medium in that movie that I can really talk to dead people?”

“Listen Whoopi, I’ve never even seen Sister Act, so please don’t assume I would be so irrational and quick to judge people like that. Instead of accusing me of stuff, how about you accept that you’re talking to a real ghost right now, and so therefore I am right.”

“Oh my God” said Whoopi. “I guess I can speak to ghosts. I guess all my years on The View have made me capable of speaking to anyone”. 

“Yeah: you, Jimmy Kimmel, Graham Norton… all supremely cursed folks. Talk-show hosting is a real double-edged sword. Back to me, though. Whoopi: can you call my wife and tell her I loved her? Oh, and also I won’t be able to make it to our Saturday UNO game for obvious reasons. Oh, oh, and that the obvious reasons are that I’m going to Hell on the bone train with Death. Sorry, so much has happened today, I forget to bring people up to speed.”

“I guess I don’t have much of a choice” said Whoopi. She closed her script for Sister Act 3 and opened up Skype, making a call to the account details I gave her. The little jingle played before a familiar voice answered. 

“Angie?” said Whoopi. “This is Whoopi Goldberg”

“And?” said my wife. 

“Angie, I’m calling on behalf of your departed husband.”

“Oh my god,” Angie said. “What has he done now?”

“He’s dead, actually,” explained Whoopi, “choked on a toothbrush before you got home. The police must have taken him away but stopped for lunch, so they’ve not gotten a chance to let you know about it. He wants you to know that he loves you, Angie. You were the best thing in his life. Doesn’t sound like tough competition for a man who loved toothbrushes and chess, but all the same, he wanted you to know.” 

“Cool, good to know” said Angie. “Hey, one second: does this mean that he’s talking with you right now?”

“Yeah,” said Whoopi “his spirit is here. Right now he’s looking at his hair in the window, even though he’s literally invisible.” 

“Well, if he’s really there,” said Angie, “I’ll ask him something only he would know and that will prove ghosts are real. What’s my favourite colour?” “Shit…” I said. “Uh, I dunno, green maybe”. 

“Uh, I dunno, green maybe” said Whoopi. 

“Wow, that’s spooky”, said Angie. “It’s actually purple, but that idiot always thinks it’s green. He even painted the house green for our anniversary. What a dunce. Ok, cool, tell him no worries. If he can make it home tonight for UNO, great, but I’ll not be holding my breath.” 

“Don’t worry, my wife,” I said. I have a plan”

“Don’t worry, his wife, he has a plan,” said Whoopi. 

“I’ll definitely not wait up then. Thanks Whoopi. We loved you in Sister Act by the way” said Angie, and hung up. 

“Ah, guess I have seen it,” I told Whoopi. “Well, thanks for your help. I guess there’s only one option left: I’m gonna have to kidnap and murder Death”. 

“Why don’t you just beat him at chess and win your life back, like in that movie?” asked Whoopi. 

“For the last time, Whoopi, I don’t remember Sister Act at all!” I said. “More to the point, I don’t play chess. Not after… that night.” I was kind of really hoping someone was gonna ask about the deep dark past thing. It’s not often I get to tell these stories. 

“Suit yourself, kid” said Whoopi. “I guess you’re going to Hell, then”. 

4. 

The bone train door slammed open. 

“Ok kid,” said Death, “it’s been 50 minutes now. Do they have my mocha frapp or what? Are we gonna play chess now, or what? Honestly? I kind of feel like you’re using me for some kind of plot thing that’s going on for too long, and I just want to play some games to take my mind off the fact that my job sucks forever. You + Me = Hell, RIGHT NOW.” 

Think fast, I thought, at a normal thought-speed. Suddenly, it hit me. 

“Alright, Death. Time to play, for my very soul.” 

“Sweet,” said Death. 

“But not at chess.” 

“Ah, Jeez!” Death groaned.

“No, I could never play chess again. It’s actually a really cool and dark story that I haven’t had a chance to tell, but maybe I could tell it if…” “Yeah, yeah, what’s the game, kid?” said Death, doing the wrap-up-the-story hand gesture with his bone-fingers. 

I pulled a pack of cards from my great coat pocket (as in, the coat pocket is really great, it’s just a regular modern fashionable coat). 

“UNO?!” cried Death. “Kid, you really are going to Hell.” 

“Not if I can help it,” I said. “I was taught by the best: my wife. She made me the player I am today. And she takes no prisoners. So yes, Death. I’d wager my life on the back of her teaching”. 

Death pulled up a table, and leaned his scythe against the coat rack.

“Whatever, dude. Just deal ‘em out.” 

I played Death best of three. Best of three is right, I thought. More like the best three games of my life, let me tell you. They had to be, given what was at stake. We tied one-to-one. Death learned the game so fast, and he was soon a worthy competitor. It was down to the knuckle, which was unfair given his were so much more visible. We were down to two cards each, and it was his turn. I had to pull it out, but these last two cards were the worst I could have had. He slammed down a green 3. 

“This is it, kid. This next card’s a ticket to Satan’s ass. STANDARD CLASS.” 

I flipped a yellow 3. 

“UNO,” I declared, “and guess what, Death? You were so busy sassing me, you forgot to say UNO yourself, so you have to PICK UP.” 

Death shuddered realising his mistake. 

“What?! No!” he cried. “Ah, fuck this game! Why couldn’t we have played Demon Party Drunk Chess anyway. Oh my god, these cards suuuuuck!” 

The last card was one of those wild cards you can write on. “I’m done, Death. And my custom rule is that you have to give me my soul and my life back.” 

“The game’s over kid. Also, I don’t think that’s a real rule you can make anyway. But a bet is a bet.” He waved his hand, doing cool Death magic or something. “Now get back to living before I do something I regret”. 

I felt my spirit form fading as I regained my life inside my body. It looked kind of like that scene with Marty McFly in Back To The Future where he’s almost erased from existence. 

“Wow,” I said. “This is just like that movie”. 

“Yep.” said Death, walking away sulkily. “Just like Sister Act.” 

“Thanks for everything” I said. “So long.”

“You know, it is a shame. I would have liked to play with you again. But I don’t have friends much anymore. Things have been a little tough since the whole… incident.” 

“Suit yourself, kid" I said, vanishing into the air. 

“Oh well I guess I could stop by now that you mention it, ok thanks, see you and your wife tonight at 8??” 

Damn, I thought. My body had left that realm, but his words followed me. I guess it wouldn’t be the worst date I had in my life! I thought (man I gotta write these zingers down). “See you then, Death” I whispered, my voice going all ethereal. “See you then.” 

5. 

I woke up in the ground, soil trickling onto a cheap coffin the cops had stuffed me in. Weeping, some folks were throwing handfulls of dirt into the hole where I was lying. I didn’t recognise them, I think they just wanted a day out at the graves. I bust through the lid of that thing like it was cardboard, and climbed out. “Come on guys” I said, pushing off the coffin lid. “You gotta throw more dirt on than that, I haven’t got all day. If you give me a shovel I’ll get it done much faster.” And I did. And when I was done filling my own grave, I walked home, knocked on my door, and was met by my beautiful Angie. “Boy, did I miss you” I said, shaking her hand in a friendly manner. 

“You have soap in your hair” she said. 

“I know. And soil in my shoes babe, it’s a weird combination. But there’s also love in my heart. And if you’ll have me, I am ready for UNO. Speaking of which, I may have invited a friend along…” 

So there you have it. That’s how me and my wife Angie got ourselves a weekly dinner date with Death, of underworld fame. And you know what? It’s a lot of fun having him round. It can be hard to make friends as a couple, and he’s a good guy. Even though I sometimes worry a little too much about our fate beyond this lifetime, every time I hear that screechin’ bone-train a-comin’, I smile knowing it will all be ok. In fact, I think I hear it coming now…

…ok never mind, it was just my wife screamin’ at me again. 

[jane-penvellyn-of-blackmoor]

Nancy Drew #33 Midnight in Salem Game Review

So I gave in and paid the damn $30 to play the dribble that HER's pawning off as their latest game. While there has been major controversy within the fandom over the latest Nancy Drew Game and HerInteractive in general, I'm going to stick to just the game here. My thoughts and opinions on how HER managed the fandom after Penny Miliken came onto the scene have been made clear on my sh!tposts on my blog lol. So we're talking just the game here, nothing pre-start menu - that includes real world HerInteractive drama, none of that. So let's begin...

The Start Menu - Tbh I hated the start menu. It was like a FNAF game's opening menu, clearly made in Unity and the grass textures were nightmarish. If this were my first Nancy Drew game and this was the first sight I saw upon booting the game up, I would never buy another one again.

Voice Acting - Now before ya'll go off on "That's just your nostalgia talking, give it a chance" I will have you know that I tried, I really really tried to like the new voice actress for Nancy but ugh I can't stand it. She sounds like someone pretending to be Olivia Benson off Law & Order: SVU. Like I get they wanted Nancy to sound more like a modern teenager and less "Barbie voice" like Lani's voice would stray towards but letting go of Lani was their biggest mistake. If they had kept Lani as Nancy's voice - especially for such a drastically different game setup - would have helped keep fans fixed within the Nancy Drew world that we've been following for years. Everyone else was great, I especially liked Mei and Lauren's voices and the emotions expressed within them. Also Tourist Girl outside of the Town Hall needs to be brought back in the next game and have her lines recorded on actual recording equipment because what you did HerInteractive was hysterically pathetic and unfair. I don't know if that was a place holder that got overlooked or what but for a $30 game released by a company with so many quality games under it's belt - I expect better.

Storyline - Was pretty good. Fire, robberies, political unrest, sabotage, fraud, hidden wills, all things we've seen before a dozen times but they never get old. I think it's safe to say that the storyline itself is actually what kept me playing, however about half way through I did know it was one of two suspects who was the villian and the very next reveal ensured me which one it was. Still though good story.

Script - Whoever was in charge of the character conversations, for the love of all that is holy please water the interactions down! I felt like 99% of the game was never ending conversations about crap that wasn't useful to the plot. Like filler and fluff is great but conversations that drag on and on and on aren't fun. Have a character say a line or two, then it's Nancy's turn - all this monologuing has me flying through conversations just so I can move onto the next thing. Also some of the way the lines are written make it hard for the actors to read and sound authentic. Like "I can not." (versus "I can't.") levels of unauthentic lines.

Characters - Loved the different characters, would have appreciated more that had models you could interact with.

Puzzles - Needed way more puzzles. Like WAY more. It felt like there was less than 10 puzzles in the game and the majority were stupid easy, the only 'difficult' ones were easy once you understood what they wanted you to do which for some reason wasn't made clear at the start of the puzzle.

Mini Games - Loved making Johnny Cakes and mixing herbs.

Graphics - Horrific. I played on the highest settings of graphics on my HD computer, I had zero issues with it rendering or playing through as intended and smoothly - the graphics were still shit. I've seen better graphics in Barbie's Horse Adventures or The Sims 3. If you're entire argument of shifting onto Unity was for better graphics, HerInteractive, then you need to deliver and you failed miserably at that.

Navigation - I actually had zero issue with the 'swoosh' way we moved around. At times it felt a little restrictive (like in Town Square getting around the stage) but it was fine. I just actually didn't care for the camera tilt feature, it made things ten times more complicated trying to figure out what nooks and crannies they wanted you to notice and which they didn't. I'd happily go back to the old navigation and old engines but I'm fine with the new one so long as they work on making it better.

Cursor - Hated the new cursor, bring back the magnifying glass plz.

Location - I felt that the location of Salem, MA. wasn't utilized to it's fullest potential and that the layout of the town square and the maps of the city were surprisingly unsimilar to IRL Salem. I liked the aesthetic of Lauren's Shop, The Cemetary, The Hathorne House, and Olivia's Store but all of those locations fell victim to the game's graphics, still though props to the designer of those locations in the game.

Austrian Castle - This was jarring. To have a game so drenched in it's location of Salem then it starts off in Austria, it was weird. I get it that they were like "It's connected to the Salem Witch Trials cuz of da Judge dude" but it was super unnecessary and felt like a strange sub-plot location to a game set in Salem, MA. 

Music - I liked the music, felt a little Harry Potter-ish at times and the 'indie rock' music they had that had zero lyrics was annoying but overall it was fine.

Witchy Stuff - I myself am a real practitioning witch, I am an ecclectic pagan wiccan and I know I am in the minority here but some of the puzzles were obnoxiously easy if you know anything about witchcraft. Like even the most basic level of witchcraft. If you ever skimmed through a wicca book in highschool with your edgy friends than you already know more than this game expects you to know. What pissed me off is that it's never actually explained to you. Like they bring up Samhain and fling the word around so it's all spooky and mystifying but they never once have a book or person discuss real Witchcraft with you. Like yeah Olivia is a 'real witch' or whatever and Lauren teaches you about mixing some herbs but it's still not like "Here is The Wheel of the Year, These are Sabbats and Esbats, This is an Athame, This is what we use brooms for we call them Besoms, etc" like the fact that we didn't get a wise old lady who was a clear rip off of Laurie Cabot teaching us about real Witchcraft in a very censor friendly and warm way pisses me off to no end. MISSED OPPORTUNITY HER!!!

Nancy's Behavior - So many times in this game Nancy behaved out of character to me. Like I get it, ya wanted to be all like "let's challenge her belief in ghooooosts!!" but it wasn't done correctly. Nancy wouldn't react to seeing ghosts like Scooby Doo and Shaggy.

Call Backs/Easter Egg - I appreciated the Easter Egg in this game being a literal colorful egg but it was a lame spot to hide it considering it was in plain view. However I appreciated the call backs to previous games with KoKo Kringles, Robotic Cats, and the Dear Sweet Charlotte jack-o-lantern.

Ghosts and Jumpscares - 10/10 best aspect of the game by far. The witch ghost over the bed actually got me really good and the ghosts in the underground tunnels were the best graphics of the game.

Pumpkins - Another charming part of the game that I actually enjoyed more than I anticipated. It was really cute and a fun stupid little thing to work on through out the game to find all the candles and put a pumpkin on each one.

Hardy Boys - PLEASE BRING THEM BACK FOR MORE GAMES AND NEVER STOP THE FRANCY SHIPPING. Also I could be tempted for Joe/Deirdre shipping js.

Overall - I'd rate the game a 4/10 and that's being nice. I liked it more than RAN but that’s really not saying much. It doesn’t come close to classic Nancy Drew Games.

Final Thoughts - I can't see any person who isn't a die hard Nancy Drew fan playing this and being like "Yeah I'll buy more of HerInteractive's future games!" like no. But I do see potential. I can see this as a beautiful beginning on a new platform making more immersive games. Or you know this could be the last game we get from HER and they close and go bankrupt and get flushed away and then the Miss Clue crew buys the rights for Nancy Drew and they make new Nancy Drew Games on the old platform with the old team....whichever works just fine for me :)

[gainerstories]

Muffin Tops: Chapter 7 (Community Story)

Written by: gainingfiction

After a sizeable breakfast, Diego found himself at the beach, where a few sunbathers were already sprawled on the sand. Wanting to enjoy the good weather, he wore one of his old tank-tops, now stretched over the curve of his ample belly. He also wore a pair of khaki shorts from last summer, the seams of which groaned under the weight of his ever-expanding booty. Diego knew he had gotten a little bigger since the last time he went to the beach, but he felt more than ready to reclaim his position as lifeguarding hottie.

Setting his eyes on the squat structure not far from the parking lot, Diego made his way over, letting himself into the cramped office with a knock on the door. Inside, his old boss sat behind a battered desk, shirtless, amid lost-and-found items and scattered paperwork.

Somehow Bradley—still the head lifeguard—had gotten even more jacked since the previous summer. Faced with this Men’s Health cover come to life, Diego started to feel a little more insecure about his own build. Bradley looked up from his magazine, glanced at Diego, and looked back down. “Bathroom’s the other way,” he grunted.

“Uh, Bradley? It’s me?” Diego said.

Bradley hesitated for a moment before looking back up, brows raised. “Wow, Diego, it is you.” He sized Diego up with a smirk, arms folded across his broad chest. “What, did you lose a tax form or something?”

“I’m here to get my job back,” Diego said.

“You’re joking, right?”

Diego furrowed his brows. “No? I’m serious. I want to be a lifeguard again.”

Bradley laughed. “Dude, look at you,” he said, pointing at Diego’s gut. “You’re so fucking fat. Holy shit, this is priceless. You’re huge!”

Diego’s face was flaming. “What the hell, man? I’m not fat. I’m just bulkier. I’d still be a great lifeguard.”

Bradley wore an amused expression. “There is no way I would hire you as a lifeguard,” he said. “The only thing you’ll be saving this summer is room for dessert.”

Diego crossed his arms, shielding his broad, beefy chest with a pair of impressive forearms. He looked around the office, remembering just how dingy it was. “You know what? You’re right. I’m overqualified. I have a degree now, and I don’t need you.”

On that note, Diego turned and walked to the door, his ass bouncing in time with his stride. On his way out, he paused in the doorway. “And, word of advice, ‘bro’? Being swole isn’t a substitute for an actual personality.” With that, Diego slammed the door behind him, leaving the head lifeguard in silence.

Hayden cooked lasagna that night, and he listened to Diego’s story as the two consumed plate after plate. They had planned a dinner for that night anyway, and Diego was happy to tell his boyfriend all about his obnoxious experience at the beach.

After his third plate of pasta, Diego leaned back in his chair, feeling the buttons of his shirt straining over his bloated gut. They had chatted about so many things that night, but the job market was still on Diego’s mind. “Have you ever thought about hiring a business consultant, for the bakery?” he asked. “I could be your accountant, too.”

A small grin crossed Hayden’s lips. He stood up, picking up Diego’s plate and carrying it into the kitchen. “I don’t know,” he said. “After you try my latest creation, you may not want anything to do with my bakery.”

Diego shifted in his seat, as if that could somehow make his clothes less constricting. “Now that’s impossible,” he said. “No matter how stuffed I end up tonight.”

“I think this might be my best work yet,” Hayden called from the kitchen.

“Wow,” Diego said, with a lopsided grin. He traced a finger around the space between two buttons on his shirt, feeling his soft, hairy flesh underneath. “I think I’ll be the judge of that.”

Usually, Hayden’s “samples” were piles of dessert that covered whole trays. Today, however, he placed a single donut in front of Diego, gently dusted with powdered sugar. Diego picked it up carefully, ripping into the puffy pastry. A large glob of filling dropped onto the plate.

Diego took a bite of the donut, which tasted vaguely familiar. “This filling tastes like your peppermint peanut brittle,” he said. The very first thing Diego had ever bought at Thick Treats.

Hayden nodded, biting his lip. Diego had never seen his boyfriend so nervous. Diego followed Hayden’s gaze down to the plate, where a shape now stuck out of the filling. Diego picked it up, feeling a lump in his throat as he wiped it off. He was holding a silver ring, with small diamonds inlaid in the band. “Holy shit,” he managed.

“Diego,” Hayden said. “I am so in love with you. I honestly couldn’t imagine baking anymore if you weren’t there to eat it. So… will you marry me?”

Diego nodded. “Absolutely, yes,” he said, rising to a stand and throwing his arms around Hayden. The two embraced, laughing from the release of so much tension. Diego pulled Hayden in for a kiss, and Hayden leaned into it.

“You are the hottest guy I’ve been with,” Hayden said, running his fingers down the small of Diego’s back and resting a hand on the curve of Diego’s round, well-developed ass. “And you’re a business genius. How did I get so lucky?”

Diego laughed. He looked down, seeing the way his own rounded gut pressed against Hayden’s still-larger paunch. He looked at his left hand, where even his fingers seemed softer, puffier. And yet, it didn’t bother him, as he admired his ring. “I… I feel like when I’m with you, I don’t have to work to be someone I’m not,” he said. “I feel like myself with you, Hayden.”

Hayden rested his free hand on the back of Diego’s neck. As they fell into another kiss, Diego’s heart fluttered at the thought of his marriage to Hayden, and the bakery empire they could build together.

[vizhi0n]

Sawney - Part 45 (End)

YOOO so lol. I combined the last two chapters because I felt like the finale really needed to just be one long thing, because so much happens. I’m also an OCD little fucker and the thought of this fic being 46 chapters long as opposed to an even 45 legit bothers the fuck out of me. Anywho, thank you guys so so so much for this - I think this is my longest TWD fic I’ve ever written,  and one of my favorites. I had such a fun time creating Desa and exploring her relationship with Negan, and everyone else. I’m super stoked with how the end turned out (I actually rewrote the finale sooo many times because I couldn’t figure out the right way to end it, but I’m glad this is what I decided on.) I’ll tag everyone in the masterlist once it’s complete so if anyone hasn’t caught up, they’ll have all the chapters in one place.

Anywho, thank you guys so much for following this fic. Enjoy!

Chapter Masterlist

@orchiddingme @i-am-negan-trash @jeffreydeanneganstrash @toxic-ink @negans-network @flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash @kellyn1604 @lovingzombiechaos @heartfulloffandoms @hannibalssweaters @strangersangel9 @my-achilles–heel @mypapawinchester @jasoncrouse @crzcorgi @collette04 @genevievedarcygranger @superprincesspea @kijilinn @ladylorelitanyfanfiction @nycktmcginn @imjustmakingsuffupagain @neganswinchesters @originalwinchestervamp @castielwinchester22 @deviousginga @darkangel66a @gremlinfuck @curlyhairedblueeyedangel @gay-for-negan @romeomontvgue @chiwawha @doyouhaveavacancy @fatedwisp @melodicdolls @mcnegan @rapsity @jessiellong1987 @moonypetyr @embracetheapocalypsewithme @backseat-negan @vinylmadwoman @itstotalyblue

Warnings: just gore. Lol. (also, I’m not sure if any of you might be triggered by graphic depictions of childbirth so I’ll just say that it happens somewhere in this chapter.)

They stumbled back into Alexandria, Negan hanging towards the back. The injured were carried away, while those that remained worked on securing the gate. It was Dwight who greeted him first, looking Negan up and down and snarling, “He let you fight after all, huh?”

Gary came to Negan’s defense immediately, towering over Dwight, but Negan raised his hand to stop him. The two men sized each other up, Dwight’s eyes lingering on the bag Negan had slung over his shoulder, which held the remnants of Lucille. Before he could speak, Rick approached to stand by Dwight’s side.

“Desa is here. She came with Maggie and the others. The Whisperer’s attacked the Hilltop, burned half of it to the ground,” Rick’s eyes were hollow. “She’s in the infirmary—”

Rick only had time to point at one of the buildings, before Negan was darting towards it. He wasted no time opening the door, eyes scanning the area, which had become packed with the injured, until his eyes fell over Desa in a nearby corner, lying on a cot. She was dirty, oversized clothes covered in a thin layer of ash. She smelled of smoke and blood. As Negan approached, he scanned her body for bite marks and found none. Her hair clung to her sweat-soaked forehead, one hand clutching her belly as she gave a low groan of what Negan assumed to be pain.

“Negan?”

“What’s wrong? What’s going on?” Negan knelt, reaching for her free hand. “The baby—”

“He’s fine. More than fine, actually. He’s ready, I think,” Desa chuckled. “Harlan said that if the contractions continue, it’ll be time. I’m not going anywhere, Negan. Trust me.”

Negan sighed, nodding his head. He leaned over and pressed a kiss against her forehead, squeezing her hand. In a soft voice, he said, “Good. Fucking good. We just have to get through today, okay?”

“I’m not worried. Well, I am, but not to the extend I’d thought I’d be,” Desa swallowed, staring up at the ceiling. “I just have to have hope. More than ever. And I do. So, so much of it, “ Desa’s eyes slowly fell on the bag around Negan’s shoulder. A jagged shard of wood poked from the top, and her face fell. In a soft voice, she said, “Oh, no.”

“Don’t fucking worry about it. She went out like a fucking champ,” Negan sighed. “You got your wish. She’s gone. I…I don’t feel anything. She fucking fell apart in my hands and I don’t feel shit—”

“You loved Lucille. Not the bat. Her,” Desa said. “I know that you still do. You don’t need a baseball bat to prove that. You never did.”

“Fuck. Shit. I guess you’re fucking right.”

Negan kissed her again on the forehead, then once on the mouth. Out of the corner of his eye he caught someone staring, and he pulled away, eyes flickering over to a familiar face.

“Take a fucking picture, it’ll last longer.”

Daryl snorted. In a gruff voice, he said, “Rick want’s ya’. Over by the gate.”

“Be there in a fucking second.”

“Now.” 

Negan rolled his eyes, and Desa lightly touched his shoulder. “Go,” she murmured. “I’ll be fine.”

“Shit. Okay. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Once again, Negan had to tear himself away from her. It was agony. Anger flared as he wondered what the fuck Rick could possibly want him for now.

He followed Daryl, picking his way through the injured. He was aware of the various caustic glances shot his way, and he welcomed them. As long as these people weren’t hostile towards Desa, he could have cared less what they thought of him. The moment he and Daryl emerged outside, Negan froze.

“Holy shit.”

Negan could see them through the bars of the main gate. The undead were hobbling towards Alexandria, led by an unseen desire for…well, whatever. Up on one of the watch towers, Dwight was waving his arms and pointing.

During a momentary strike of pettiness, Negan prayed that Dwight would trip and just fall face first into the oncoming herd. Of course, his wish didn’t come true, and Dwight began climbing down the tower, a sour look on his scarred face.

“How many?” Daryl grunted, hefting his crossbow over his shoulder.

“Thousands,” Dwight’s face paled, and he shot a worried glance at Rick, who was approaching hastily. He said, “Will this gate hold, Rick?” 

“Positive,” Rick replied. “We have time to come up with a plan—”

“I can call my guys, have them rig up a truck full of stereos,” Negan said hastily. There was a tremendous crash, and the wall vibrated as thousands of bodies began pressing up against its metal surface. Over the noise, Negan shouted, “Those deadheads will follow fucking anything.”

Another crash. The gate slowly began tilting forward, but held.

Rick nodded in a agreement, but Negan could see the twinge of fear in his eyes. Grimes was scared. And Negan was, too.

“It’s a plan,” Rick said.

Father Gabriel visited Desa with a bucket of water, a towel, and a sponge. The infirmary had settled down, and those that felt able had left, leaving it less crowded. This gave Gabriel some leg room, and he pulled up a chair, sitting next to Desa’s cot.

“I thought you might want some help getting the ash off your skin.”

“I am rather incapacitated at the moment,” Desa smirked, trying to sit up. She slouched back with a sigh, unable to fully pull her body into a sitting position. Gabriel steadied her.

“I’ll just do your arms and legs.”

“Thank you,” Desa huffed. She sighed as Gabriel began washing the ash and dirt from her skin, murmuring, “You didn’t have to do this for me.”

“My faith requires good acts. Besides, I have nothing personal against you,” Gabriel murmured. He fell silent for a moment, before saying softly, “When I was trapped in that trailer with your husband…he told me about you. You were his reason for keeping me alive. He needed my help so he could get back to you.”

“Even after everything he did to your people, you trusted him?” 

“‘Trust’ is a strong word. I understood. And understanding does not equal approval.”

“I barely went to church before all this. My mother…she would make it a family event. She’d have us all get dressed up…she believed. I dabbled in it, but found that it wasn’t for me,” Desa sighed. “I skipped out later on. Now it’s hard to see why I ever went in the first place. Even if all of this was planned, the end of the world, everything, I’m still going to hell.”

Gabriel raised his eyebrows, unfurling the towel and wiping the water from Desa’s skin. He said, “Why is that?”

“I’m trying to make up for what I did by bringing peace, trying to fix everything,” Desa ignored him and continued, too caught up in her own ramblings. “I know it’s useless, but I have to try. At least so I can prove to myself that I’m not the animal Alpha says that I am, and so that my child and Negan can have a good life.”

Gabriel nodded. He laced his fingers together, leaning forward. There was a warm, sincere look on his face as he said, “No matter what you are going through, the Lord is there. I turn to him in my time of need, and if you feel comfortable, I’d like to take your confession. I did the same for your husband. It’s why I was led to him, and why I believe I’ve been led to you.”

Desa raised her eyebrows. “I have things to confess. You might think less of me if I tell you of them.”

“I won’t think less of you,” Gabriel said. “I couldn’t. It would be hypocritical of me to judge you. I have my own transgressions.”

“Okay,” Desa sighed. She closed her eyes, trying to regulate her rapid breathing. A sharp contraction caused her to suck in a breath, and shakily, she said, “I…I shot my brother after he’d been lobotomized. I killed so many people out of fear…I ate human flesh. Like an animal. And I did it all without thinking, without flinching or pulling away. I did it all because I felt like I had no choice.”

“You are absolved.”

Gabriel’s face was stoic, and very slowly, he reached out to grasp Desa’s hand. In a soft voice, he added, “You and your child will be welcomed here. After all of this is over, no more will you live in fear. I promise you. You are not a hateful person. I see it in your eyes.”

“Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all wrongs,” Desa squeezed her eyes shut, before opening them. At Gabriel’s surprised look, she said, “My mother used to tell us that. My sister and brother and I. I forgot what that meant, for a while.”

“Your mother would be proud of who you’ve become.”

Desa smiled. He glanced away, and Desa followed his gaze to where Carl was picking his way through the room. He stopped at the edge of the cot, surveying Desa’s condition before nodding and asking, “Do you think you could make it from here to my house?”

“What?”

“This cot is too small. We need somewhere bigger for you to have the baby,” Carl placed a hand on Desa’s shoulder while Gabriel excused himself, grabbing the bucket and towel and moving out of Carl’s way. The boy said, “I mean, if you want too—”

“I’ll see if I can,” it took every muscle in Desa’s body to keep her upright. The minute her bare feet touched the cold floor she cringed, allowing Carl to drape an arm around her for support. The moment she stood upright, gravity took effect and she could feel the smallest trickle of blood slide down from between her legs. She ignored it, placing one hand on her belly and slowly, with Carl’s help, began hobbling towards the door.

“I’m sorry I’m so heavy,” Desa breathed, a bead of sweat dripping from between her eyes. They reached Rick’s house, and Desa let out a cry of pain as her insides contracted. She slouched against the stairs, slapping a hand against the railing.

“You’re pale,” Carl placed a palm against her clammy forehead. When he pulled away, he said,” Desa…”

“Just get me inside.”

Carl hoisted her up, and they entered Rick’s home. The place was empty, and Carl gently helped Desa lay against the soft carpet before retrieving a pillow and some blankets. As he draped them over her, he removed his hat and tossed it onto the couch.

A sharp, stabbing pain, worse than the others, caused Desa’s entire body to shake. She let out a hellish cry, toes curling as she lifted her knees towards the sky. Carl was next to her in a heartbeat, concern etched all over his face. Very, very slowly he lifted the blankets down by Desa’s legs, face flushed as he peered between them.

“Uh…uh…”

“Do I need to get Carson?”

“No,” Desa gasped, hand shooting out to grab Carl by the arm. “No. Don’t.”

“Negan?” 

“No—”

More pain, like a ring of fire. Desa slammed her head against the pillow, teeth clenching, face wrinkled into a grimace as she did the only thing that felt right. She pushed.

“Oh, okay — oh my God,” Carl yelped.

“Carl, lift the blankets again. Keep them up and just…make sure you tell me when you see a head.”

“Wait, you’re having this baby now?” Carl’s face turned even redder, and he began to fidget. “Oh, shit—”

“Watch your language,” Desa grunted. She groaned again, the ring of fire returning. Once again, pushing brought relief — if only for a moment. It was a vicious cycle, made worse by the burning pain of the bandaged wound on hand. She caught Carl glancing at it, but the fact that she was pushing out a baby pulled him away. He looked incredibly uncomfortable, and the expression didn’t go away. It made it difficultly for Desa to tell the time — when they’d begun, how long she’d been pushing, and so on.  Sweat trickled down her face, moist enough that it made her hair stick to her skin.

“There’s blood, Desa,” Carl said frantically.”Uh—and I see a head. Keep going. You’re doing good.”

“Just keep doing what you’re doing.”

“Is the blood supposed to be there?” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Desa tried to steady her breathing, and calm her hammering heart. She pushed, hard, and the relief came. She repeated the process, again and again and again —

“Desa—”

Crying.

There was a baby crying, voice choked and high-pitched. Through teary eyes, Desa saw Carl’s figure as he swathed the little newborn in one of the nearby blankets. He, too, was breathing heavily.

“Did you get a workout, kid?”

“Hey, I’ve never delivered a baby before,” Carl met her gaze and smiled. “I did pretty good for my first time, huh?” 

“You did,” Desa wheezed. She couldn’t lift her head — all the strength in her body had left her. There was still pain, copious amounts of pain, but it didn’t matter.

It was over.

For him, it’s just starting.

“Carl,” Desa murmured. She lifted her injured hand, and bandages fell away, revealing the crescent shaped bite mark that was red, raw and inflamed.

“I have another job for you,” Desa breathed. Her child howled, and she couldn’t help but smile. “One last job.”

“These walls won’t hold,” Negan shouted over the roar of the undead. He and Rick backed away, each drawing their guns as the support beams began to shudder. The wall was tipping forward, like a fallen pie crust. Negan lifted his walkie to his lips, yelling, “Eugene! You’d better have those fucking stereos ready!”

“On it, boss,” Eugene’s voice crackled. “We’re locked and ready to go. We’ve split the subsequent herd into two groups. Ezekiel and his people are leading one away while we take on the other.”

“Good. See you on the other fucking side,” Negan shoved the walkie into his back pocket, glancing over at Rick.

“Carl took Desa over to my house,” Rick said. “She’ll be safe there. Just focus on what’s in front of you.”

“I can multitask, Grimes,” Negan turned his attention to the biters. With a final sigh, the wall caved in. A sea of the undead began storming into Alexandria, met with ferocious gunfire from both the Saviors, and Rick’s people. “Shit. That’s a lot of fucking biters—”

“Keep firing!” Rick bellow. Body after body toppled, forming heaps, corpses strewn across the grass.

Still, they didn’t stand a chance. There were too many. Their fate was entirely in the hands of Eugene and Ezekiel’s people.

We’re so dead.

“Get back!”

They were split up — Rick and his people began to retreat while Negan, was forced to dart into a nearby house. Biters flooded the streets, and Negan barely had time to slam the door shut behind him. He scrambled through the empty house, towards the back and up the flight of stairs. He yanked open the first window he saw, sliding through it and onto the rooftop.

From here, he had a pretty good view of Alexandria’s expanse. He pinpointed Rick’s home, and, to his horror, saw a massive man swathed in biter skins weaving his way towards the house.

So, Negan ran and jumped. His feet hit the rooftop of the adjacent house, and he barely had time to regain his footing before he was sprinting once more, flinging himself towards the next house. And then the next. His lungs burned, and his ankles felt shattered — but he kept going until he slammed, hard, against the roof of Rick’s home. With a grunt, he hoisted himself up, fingers scrambling against the shingles. He began kicking in the upstairs window, until he was able to burst through and fall, hard, against the carpet.

Shit.

He heard nothing — no talking, no recognizable voices. The silence stretched on, prompting Negan to stand and slowly draw his handgun.

Then, he heard it.

The high-pitched wail of a baby, the sound muffled as if it were coming from behind a thick door. Negan froze, halfway down the steps leading to the living room.

“Desa?” Negan hissed.

No reply.

“Desa? Carl? Where the fuck are you two,” Negan’s voice hitched as he reached the bottom of the steps, moving slowly and methodically. A shape caught his attention, over near the sofa. He took a step forward, before the baby wailed again — the noise came from one of the closets, over near the master bedroom.

“What are you looking for?”

Negan spun, discharging his gun at Beta’s torso as the huge man swung his fist. The blow caught Negan in the face, and he dropped like a sack of potatoes. He blinked a few times to clear his vision, before reaching for his gun, only to realize that it had fallen and landed somewhere by the couch.

“Shit,” Negan cursed, pulling himself into a sitting position. Beta was clutching the oozing hole right above his hip, snarling. The wound didn’t seem to deter him, and he smiled. Not missing a beat, Negan half-pleaded, half-screamed, “Where’s Desa?”

The child cried again. Maybe it was instinct that caused the puzzle pieces in his mind to click together, one by one. He’d heard children cry before, many, many times, but this one was different.

Negan’s tongue felt huge in his mouth.

Oh, no, no, no—

Beta glanced towards the source of the noise, lips pressed into a thin line. He towered over Negan, before slowly drawing a pair of knives, one in each hand, from his belt.

“The boy and the child die next,” Beta said simply.

Enraged, Negan lunged. He wasn’t as big or as strong as Beta, but his momentum carried him into Beta, knocking the man off balance. They slammed, hard, against the wall — the impact shook the house and sent paintings crashing from their moorings.

A blade pierced Negan’s shoulder, but he ignored it. His anger was like a drug, shielding him from the lacerations made by Beta’s knives. When the man broke free, he delivered a hard kick to Negan’s gut. Then another that sent Negan sprawling once more. He could only gape and gasp like a fish out of water, the wind knocked completely out of his body.

The infant howled louder, and Beta spun and snarled in annoyance. Negan scrambled for his gun, only to find it missing. He crawled in front of the couch — the space was empty, the white carpet stained with patches of crimson. The blotches were wet to the touch. Beta turned the corner, knives raised and ready to deliver the final blow before Negan had a chance to retaliate.

A hole the size of a quarter was blown through Beta’s head. The bullet entered from behind, and through his eye. Chunks of hair and flesh and brain flew, and Beta toppled to one knee, mouth agape in surprise. He swung his knife, missing Negan by an inch, as he tried to hang on.

“Fuck you, asshole.”

Another gunshot. Blood burst from Beta’s neck, and he fell forward. Negan pulled himself away as Desa, skin pallid and drenched in sweat, bent over Beta and pressed the muzzle of Negan’s gun against the back of his head.

She fired for a third time, the noise muffled. Blood seeped from beneath Beta, soaking into the carpet.

Desa took a step forward, the gun slipping from her fingers. Then she collapsed, right into Negan’s arms. She went limp, barely able to keep her head up.

“Desa,” Negan squeezed her. He pressed a kiss against her damp head, and for a moment, his world seemed right. She was in his arms. Beta was dead. And very slowly, Carl was poking his head out of the closet, before emerging with an infant, swathed in cloth, in his arms. Judith followed close behind, a fearful expression on her cherub face.

Carl’s eyes were red rimmed as he slowly bypassed the couch, standing before Negan. After glancing at Beta’s corpse, he gulped, but remained silent.

“Negan,” Desa murmured. She mustered the strength to pull away, still slouched against Negan’s body. She lifted her hand, palm facing inward. “I’m sorry.”

“Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all wrong,” Negan stared blankly at the cross before him. Well, two crosses. One belonged to Jack, the other belonged to Desa. She’d wanted to be buried by her sibling. It was right.

“There are so many things we didn’t get to do. So much that we didn’t get to fucking experience together. I’m sorry. I didn’t keep you safe. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry that I fucking failed you while you were fucking alive. I won’t be who I was before. I swear on my fucking life. You made me such a better fucking man. I didn’t deserve someone like you. And now that you’re gone, and even though it’ll heal, it fucking hurts. So, so much. My heart fucking hurts. I love you, okay? I fucking love you more than anything. You’re my other fucking half, and that won’t ever change. I’m grateful for the time we had together…Jack will know how fucking brave and strong his mother was. He’ll be like his mother. I swear.”

Negan pressed a final stone against the little cluster at the foot of the wooden cross, marking her grave. He closed his eyes and breathed in the cool air.

“Don’t you dare cry, Negan,” Desa wheezed. Her uninjured palm pressed against his stubbled cheek and she caressed the skin. Negan felt as if he were in a dream, or some sort of drug trip. He wasn’t sure how present he really was.

His body felt numb.

“I’m sorry. I…Beta came in before I could…” Carl began. Desa cut him off.

“It’s okay, Carl. I told you to hide. You, Jack, and Judith are safe. That’s all that matters.”

“My son,” Negan breathed. He stared at the child in Carl’s arms, mouth opening and closing. He finally managed to croak, “That’s our son…” 

“Yeah,” Desa said wistfully. “He’s beautiful.”

“You can’t leave me,” Negan said. “You can’t. You can’t leave. I can’t…you can’t—”

“Negan—”

“Desa, baby,” Negan’s voice slipped from stoic, to pleading. Maybe if he prayed and begged the wound on her hand would disappear. “Don’t. Stay with me. Fucking please—”

“Negan, you have to let me go.”

“I can’t—”

“You can. I’m not scared,” Desa whispered. “Death is a part of life. It’s a journey. Sometimes it’s long, sometimes it’s short, but death is a journey. You’re still traveling. We’ll meet at the end. We will. I love you so much, Negan.”

Desa was already reaching for the gun. Her fingers curled around the weapon, and with what small amount of strength she had left, she lifted it to her temple.

Negan stopped her.

“Let me do it.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I’m strong enough, now. I couldn’t do it for Lucille, but I’m strong enough. I have to.”

“Always the gentlemen.”

Negan gave a teary eyed laugh. When he kissed her, he tasted her own salty tears as well. When he pulled away, she was wiping her eyes. She took Negan’s hand in her own.

“Thank you,” Negan murmured. Desa met his gaze. “Thank you for loving me. For saving me. You’re the fucking love of my life, Desa.” 

“You’re one hell of a man yourself.”

“We should head back. It’s getting dark.”

Negan opened his eyes. Carl was standing behind him, Jack asleep in his arms. Negan stood, retrieving the infant from the boy. He took one last lingering glance at Desa’s grave, knowing that he’d be back, most likely to bring flowers. Then he and Carl headed to the car, taking the time to strap Jack into his car seat in the back.

You made peace with her. Learn to let go.

“Are you doing okay?” Carl asked. 

“I’m doing fine, kid. Just fucking fine. Your dad is going to be pissed for coming with me,” Negan smirked, sliding into the jeep. Carl sat in the passengers seat, removing his hat and letting it rest against his lap. “I’m still ‘that douchebag that lives in a factory’ to him.”

“I won’t tell him. I just…I thought you needed the moral support. You know how I feel about you, but…Desa asked me to keep an eye out. Make sure you don’t make any stupid decisions.”

“She would say that,” Negan rolled his eyes. “Don’t fucking worry about me, kid. We have plenty of shit on our plate already. Biter cleanup from the herd, fixing up some of our defenses…”

“Save it. I’m still watching you.”

“Okay, yeah, fine, whatever,” From the back, Jack yawned. He made a few noises of contentment, and Negan chuckled. “We’ll be home soon, buddy. Hang in there. And please…for the love of God…please don’t puke.”

[dfroza]

in the conservation of spiritual truth

some people in this world oppose it. but people keep sharing and protecting it anyway because it is the True message of grace.

and Paul does this in the writing of his Letters. continuing with Today’s chapter of the Scriptures from the Letter of First Corinthians:

Rather than power brokers, think of us as servants of the Anointed One, the Liberating King, caretakers of the mysteries of God. Because we are in this particular role, it is especially important that we are people of fidelity and integrity. It makes little difference to me how you or any human court passes judgment on me. I even resist the temptation to compare myself to the ever-changing human standard. Although I am not aware of any flaw that might exclude me from this divine service, that’s not the reason I stand acquitted—the only supreme judge, our Lord, will examine me in the proper time. So resist the temptation to act as judges before all the evidence is in. When the Lord comes, He will draw our buried motives, thoughts, and deeds (even things we don’t know or admit to ourselves) out of the dark shadows of our hearts into His light. When this happens, the voice of God will speak to each of us the only praise that will ever matter.

Right now, brothers and sisters, the best thing I can do for you is to apply these principles to the situation with Apollos and me. Maybe we can show you the meaning of the saying, “not beyond the things written.” If you learn that, perhaps none of you will swell with pride because you fall into the seductive trap of pitting one against the other. Is there any reason to consider yourselves better than others? What do you have that you didn’t receive? If you received it as a gift, why do you boast like it is something you achieved on your own?

Now let’s see if I have it straight. You suppose that you already have all you need. You already are rich and prosperous. And without us you’ve already begun to reign like kings. To be honest, I wish you did reign so that we could reign with you because it seems to me that God has put His emissaries at the end of the line, like convicts in their final walk to certain death. We have become a spectacle to the rest of the world—to all people and heaven’s messengers. We are nothing but fools for the cause of the Anointed One while you are wise in Him. Am I right? We are feeble and tired while you are mighty and full of life. You are well respected by others while we’re treated as contemptuous creatures by pretty much everyone everywhere. Up to this very minute, we are famished, we are thirsty, and our clothes are shabby, practically rotted to pieces. We are homeless, hapless wanderers. But still we labor, working with our hands to meet our needs because, despite all of this, when a fist is raised against us, we respond with a blessing; when we face violence and persecution, we stay on mission; and when others choose taunts and slander against us, we speak words of encouragement and reconciliation. We’re treated as the scum of the earth—and I am not talking in the past tense; I mean today! We’re the scraps of society, nothing more than the foulest human rubbish.

I am not telling you all this so that you’ll feel guilty or be ashamed of how you have acted. I am only trying to warn you, just as a father would warn his children. You may have 10,000 instructors in the faith of the Anointed One, but you have only one father. In Jesus the Anointed I have become your father through my efforts in spreading the good news. So as your father in the faith, I want to encourage you to live as I have lived. Imitate my life. This is one of the reasons I sent Timothy to be with you. He is my dearly loved and faithful child in the Lord. His mission is to remind you of the way I experience life in the Anointed. In all the churches everywhere I go, I teach the same lessons the same way, and I live out those lessons. But the reality is, some of you have put yourselves on pedestals and live like you are high above the rest—it’s as if you assumed I would not return to confront your misguided pride. But I am coming. Lord willing, I will be with you soon. Then I will know what power is backing those arrogant folks and their words. The kingdom of God is not a realm of grandiose talk; it is a realm of power. So tell me what you want. Should I visit you, rod in hand ready to discipline a crew of self-important people; or should I embrace you, love you, and gently teach you as we celebrate the blessings of God together?

The Letter of 1st Corinthians, Chapter 4 (The Voice)

Today’s paired chapter of the Testaments is chapter 10 of 2nd Samuel that documents an ancient battle and another victory of King David:

Sometime after this, the king of the Ammonites died and Hanun, his son, succeeded him as king. David said, “I’d like to show some kindness to Hanun, the son of Nahash—treat him as well and as kindly as his father treated me.” So David sent Hanun condolences regarding his father.

But when David’s servants got to the land of the Ammonites, the Ammonite leaders warned Hanun, their head delegate, “Do you for a minute suppose that David is honoring your father by sending you comforters? Don’t you think it’s because he wants to snoop around the city and size it up that David has sent his emissaries to you?”

So Hanun seized David’s men, shaved off half their beards, cut off their robes halfway up their buttocks, and sent them packing.

When all this was reported to David, he sent someone to meet them, for they were seriously humiliated. The king told them, “Stay in Jericho until your beards grow out. Only then come back.”

When it dawned on the Ammonites that as far as David was concerned they stunk to high heaven, they hired Aramean soldiers from Beth-Rehob and Zobah—twenty thousand infantry—and a thousand men from the king of Maacah, and twelve thousand men from Tob.

When David heard of this, he dispatched Joab with his strongest fighters in full force.

The Ammonites marched out and arranged themselves in battle formation at the city gate. The Arameans of Zobah and Rehob and the men of Tob and Maacah took up a position out in the open fields. When Joab saw that he had two fronts to fight, before and behind, he took his pick of the best of Israel and deployed them to confront the Arameans. The rest of the army he put under the command of Abishai, his brother, and deployed them to confront the Ammonites. Then he said, “If the Arameans are too much for me, you help me. And if the Ammonites prove too much for you, I’ll come and help you. Courage! We’ll fight with might and main for our people and for the cities of our God. And God will do whatever he sees needs doing!”

But when Joab and his soldiers moved in to fight the Arameans, they ran off in full retreat. Then the Ammonites, seeing the Arameans run for dear life, took to their heels from Abishai and went into the city.

So Joab left off fighting the Ammonites and returned to Jerusalem.

When the Arameans saw how badly they’d been beaten by Israel, they picked up the pieces and regrouped. Hadadezer sent for the Arameans who were across the River. They came to Helam. Shobach, commander of Hadadezer’s army, led them. All this was reported to David.

So David mustered Israel, crossed the Jordan, and came to Helam. The Arameans went into battle formation, ready for David, and the fight was on. But the Arameans again scattered before Israel. David killed seven hundred chariot drivers and forty thousand cavalry. And he mortally wounded Shobach, the army commander, who died on the battlefield. When all the kings who were vassals of Hadadezer saw that they had been routed by Israel, they made peace and became Israel’s vassals. The Arameans were afraid to help the Ammonites ever again.

The Book of 2nd Samuel, Chapter 10 (The Message)

my personal reading of the Scriptures for friday, October 30 of 2020 with a paired chapter from each Testament along with Today’s Psalms and Proverbs

A post by John Parsons about the hope we carry:

When Moses proclaimed the good news of God’s forthcoming redemption for Israel, the Torah states that the people could not listen because they were “short of breath” (Exod. 6:9). Interestingly, this phrase (i.e., mi’kotzer ru’ach: מִקּצֶר רוּחַ) can also mean “lacking in spirit,” as if in a paralyzed state of hopelessness. But how did the people become so downhearted? Had they forgotten the promise given to Abraham (Gen. 15:12-14)? Had they disregarded Joseph’s final words (Gen. 50:24-25)?

According to some of the sages, part of the reason for their “shortness of breath” (besides the cruel bondage and hard labor imposed on them) was that the Israelites miscalculated the duration of their 400 year exile, and therefore they began to lose hope. When members of the tribe of Ephraim tried to escape from Egypt some 30 years before the time of the redemption, they were all killed by the Philistines, and many of the Israelites began to believe that they would remain as perpetual slaves (Shemot Rabbah, 20:11). They became “short of breath” and could no longer receive the message of the Holy Spirit...

Indeed, life in this evil world can be suffocating at times. And though we may not be under the oppression of a cruel Pharaoh, we are affected by the "princes of this age" who spurn the message of the Messiah's redemption and love, and we are still subjected to bondage imposed by taskmasters who defy the LORD and who seek to enslave us by means of lies, propaganda, and threats of violence... The devil is still at work in the hearts and minds of many of his "little Pharaohs" that govern the world system... The Scriptures make it clear that we are engaged in genuine spiritual warfare: "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places" (Eph. 6:12).

It is evident that one of the central purposes of God's redemption is to bestow freedom and dignity upon his people. As the story of Pharaoh reveals, God does not take kindly to oppressors, dictators, and other megalomaniacal world leaders who deny the truth and who therefore seek to enslave (or kill) human beings created in His image and likeness. Just as God judged Egypt for its oppression and violence, so He will one day break the "rulers of this world" with a rod of iron and dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel (Psalm 2:9-10). Halevai...

To help us “catch our breath” during this time of waiting for the coming day, it is important to remember that the LORD redeems us so that we may become His children and therefore be clothed with everlasting dignity... Our redemption makes us heirs of the Kingdom of God and citizens of heaven. We must never regard ourselves as slaves - not to the State, not to the bankers, not to fear, and not to religion (Gal. 5:1). God gave up His Son for us so that we could be made free to live with honor as his dearly loved children.... All the threats of the world system - economic, political, religious, social, etc. - are ultimately made empty and vain by the glorious redemption promised to us in Yeshua our Savior.

There is an old story of the Maggid of Brisk who each year would bring proof from the Torah that the Messiah would come that year. Once a certain Torah student asked him, “Rabbi, every year you bring proof from the Torah that the Messiah must come that year, and yet he does not come. Why bother doing this every year, if you see that Heaven ignores you?” The Maggid replied, “The law states that if a son sees his father doing something improper, he is not permitted to humiliate him but must say to him, ‘Father, the Torah states thus and so.’ Therefore we must tell God, who is our Father, that by keeping us in long exile, he is, in a sense, causing injustice to us, and we must point out, “thus and so it is written in the Torah,” in hope that this year he might redeem us.” This same principle, of course, applies to those of us who are living in exile and who eagerly await the second coming of the Messiah Yeshua. We should continue asking God to send Him speedily, and in our day, chaverim...

The Scriptures declare that "we are saved by hope" (ελπιδι εσωθημεν), that is, we are saved through an earnest expectation of good to come on account of the promises of the LORD God of Israel. Amen. The LORD is called "The God of Hope" (אֱלהֵי הַתִּקְוָה), indicating that He is its Author and its End (Rom. 15:13). God both gives birth to our hope (tikvah) and is the satisfaction of our heart's deepest longings. For those with God-given hope, gam zu l'tovah – all things work together for good (Rom. 8:28). In light of God’s promises, hope is the one "work" that we are called to vigorously perform: "What shall we do, that we might work the works of God?" Yeshua answered, "This is the work of God, that you trust (i.e. hope) in the one whom He sent" (John 6:28-29).

Don’t let the world system destroy or impugn your hope, chaverim... If the devil can’t seduce you with illusory hope or counterfeit joy, he will attempt to oppress you with fear, outrage, and doubt. Fight the good fight of faith and refuse to succumb to despair. Run the race before you with endurance (Heb. 12:1). Look up, for the time of your deliverance draws near... God redeems us for the sake of His love and honor... It is the “breath of God” that gives us life and courage to face this dark and perverse world (John 20:22). May you be filled with the hope and strength that comes from the Holy Spirit. Amen. [Hebrew for Christians]

10.29.20 • Facebook

Today’s message from the Institute for Creation Research:

October 30, 2020

Blotted Out

“Blotting out the handwriting of ordinances that was against us, which was contrary to us, and took it out of the way, nailing it to his cross; And having spoiled principalities and powers, he made a shew of them openly, triumphing over them in it.” (Colossians 2:14-15)

The old ordinances have been “blotted out” by Christ, having “broken down the middle wall of partition between us; having abolished in his flesh the enmity, even the law of commandments contained in ordinances; for to make in himself of twain one new man, so making peace; and that he might reconcile both unto God in one body by the cross, having slain the enmity thereby” (Ephesians 2:14-16).

The requirements of the Law were our “adversary” and must be eliminated before we could be “circumcised” by Christ (Colossians 2:11). The omnipotent Lord Jesus was the only One who could accomplish this. The arche (first ones) and the exousia (authorities) were “disarmed.” Jesus Christ has “gone into heaven, and is on the right hand of God; angels and authorities and powers being made subject unto him” (1 Peter 3:22). He made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them in it.

There is not much direct information in the Scriptures about the events in the heavenlies at the time of the Lord’s crucifixion. Bracketed by the agonizing plea of abandonment “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46) and the three hours of darkness (Luke 23:44), there are a few insights that help us grasp the wonder of His victory cry “It is finished!”

“When he ascended up on high, he led captivity captive...he also descended first into the lower parts of the earth” (Ephesians 4:8-9). Whatever took place in those awful hours, all of heaven now knows that Jesus now sits “on the right hand of God; from henceforth expecting till his enemies be made his footstool” (Hebrews 10:12-13). HMM III

[tea-and-toblerones]

Unison Chapter 3- All I Want to do is Try and Make a Connection

After a bit of a wait it's finally here! Thank you for the ongoing support! 

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My mind raced as Ed led me to his room. I'm going up to Ed Sheeran's hotel room. I wonder how many times he's -you know what, no don't go there. Definitely don't go there.

"It's not as many as you're thinking."

His voice pulled me out of my thoughts. We were standing in front of the elevator, waiting for its descent to our level. The entire lobby was vacant so we didn't really have to worry about eavesdropping.

"What?"

He gave me a crooked grin  "So you weren't just thinking 'I wonder how many times he's brought girls back' Not as many as you think. While I did do the whole one night stand thing for a brief, and I do mean brief, spell, it made me feel..." He trailed off, searching for the right word to use. I, however, was one step ahead of him.

"More empty than you were already feeling." I finished for him, avoiding his gaze.

I heard a faint 'ooooh' of realisation come from him, picking up on the subtle hint that I had dropped with that statement. The noise drew my eyes to him. He looked much more relaxed and at ease now. Some of the playfulness I had saw earlier was starting to creep back. The elevator opened and he snagged my hand pulling me in, since I was still halfway wrapped up in my thoughts and hadn't noticed its arrival. 

As the elevator rose, Ed dug through his pockets, pulling out his room key. When the movement stopped I made to walk out but he put his arm out to stop me.

"This isn't my floor." He said softly, intertwining his fingers with mine. "So you don't wander off while you're all up in your thoughts." He brought our hands up to his face, placing a kiss to the back of mine. His eyes gleaming with humor, a smile playing across his lips. If he wouldn't have stopped me I would have walked right off that elevator and kept right on walking. I'd like to say I would have noticed he wasn't beside me but I know myself. I wouldn't have until I was at the end of the hallway, asking which room number was his. Then the frantic turn around, the calling of his name and the confusion that comes after. It wasn't that I was thinking anything negative. I had about a thousand thoughts running through my head.

What would have happened if I hadn't sent that message tonight? 

How would thing of progressed?

How did he picture our first date?

Hell, how did I picture it for that matter? 

I closed my eyes. I could see a small restaurant. Small square table, with crisp white linen table clothes and plates to match. Floors a smooth dark wood that had matched  wood that made up the lower part of the wall and the trim. The other half being a cream color, with small lamps placed every couple of feet, giving a soft, intimate light. There was also track lights on the ceiling to provide just a bit more light.  Not dim enough to make you squint to see your dining partner, but not overly harsh. Small, cozy, fancy, yet, not overly so. I could picture Ed, wearing a dark button up shirt, reaching for his glass of wine. Laughing, his hand gesturing as he animatedly told his story. I catch myself smiling at the thought of it. 

I forced myself back into the real world just in time to see a couple businessmen enter. Ed nodded in their direction, asking them if they were headed for the ground floor. He hit the button for them and made polite small talk as the elevator ascended to his level. When it finally reached the level, Ed bid the men a good morning before we walked off. Keeping his word, his hand never let go of mine, however my thoughts were firmly planted on the ground. We were in front of his door, he paused before inserting the key. 

"I hadn't planned on company so I haven't really picked up after myself..." He looked a little guilty with a splash of shame. I picture takeout and pizza boxes scattered about, half empty cans of soda, random snack packages littering the floor.  

"I'm not here to judge you on your housekeeping skills. I'm here for the Simpsons and your company. Just open the door." 

He slides the keycard in and pushes the door open. He enters before me, just so he could hold the door open. Such a gentleman. 

"Welcome to my temporary home. Again, sorry for the mess."

My mouth dropped open and it had nothing to do with state of the room and everything to do with the room itself. The huge windows  catch my eye right off the bat. The view was spectacular. The sun had just started to properly rise, causing brilliant shades of oranges and yellow to burst across the sky, chasing away the dark blues hues of night, ushering in a new day. I pull my eyes away from the view and focus inside. This isn't a room, this is a penthouse. The walls were an antique cream color and the floors was a mix of woods in complimentary shades of dark browns and greys. There was a white sectional leather sofa, in the far right corner with a love seat across from in.  A glass coffee table sat in the middle of the area, a laptop resting upon it and various papers scattered across the surface.  A large television sat on the other side of the room. Beside it I see a door, presumably to the bedroom. Modern, yet, classic.  To my left there small, but fully functioning kitchen The countertops were white marble, the cabinets a dark wood. All the appliances were a sleek grey. There was three small lights hanging over the sink/bar providing the entire kitchen area with light. In front of the island there was a small square table that matched the cabinets and trim. Four white, incredibly comfortable looking chairs were around it. As for the mess, I didn't see it. There was a cozy, lived in feel. Shoes by the door, coat tossed on the couch. Papers scattered about. I had wandered into the room as I admired it. Ed had remained by the door, letting me look around. 

I turn back to him "Oh, Ed, this room is amazing!" 

"You should see the bathroom. Fucking amazing. You want the tour?"

I nodded, pulling off my jacket. Ed had did the same, taking mine out of my hand, he laid them on the back of one of the kitchen chairs. I told me I could put my shoes where ever, so I slipped them off and set them next to his. Wow, he has some big shoes. Next to his, mine look even smaller. Smiling he motioned for me to follow him. We head into the room beside the tv, which was the bedroom as I had thought. There was a thick plush creme colored carpet that I wiggled my toes in, savoring the feeling. There was a  large, unmade bed. A huge white fluffy duvet crumped up at the foot of the bed. The pillows in disarray. I wonder if he had a bad night's sleep? The headboard was an upholstered grey. Nightstand flanked each side of the bed, with a white lamp on each of them. The panoramic windows spanned into here as well. There were clothes laying about crumped in various spots on the floor. There was another tv mounted to the wall, underneath was a dresser that matched the black nightstands. A drawer was cracked open. I could see a mess of socks and other under garments.  

He wasn't exaggerating about the bathroom. Everything was a light brown tile The sink, the floors, the walls. A Jacuzzi tub? Holy hell. The tub was on a raised platform, big enough for two people to sit comfortably. I could picture us relaxing, the tub filled with suds, glasses of wine in hand. The shower was huge as well, glass doors, gold trim. 

"Oh that tub..." my voice bouncing off the walls, echoing my wonderment back to us. 

"It's great. I've totally fallen asleep in there." A sheepish grin adorned his face, He must have ran his hand through his hair since it was even messier than usual. 

"I can believe it. I'm a firm believer that a good soak can cure almost anything."

"I agree with that. I've written some of my best songs in the tub." I pictured him lounging in a tub, guitar in hand, strumming a couple chords, wrinkling his nose at the sound, trying a different variations until he found one he was satisfied with, quick to reach over and scribble it down in a notebook. I realise that's probably not what he meant by coming up with them in the tub, but the image was a humorous one either way. 

We had made our way back into the living room. The sun was fully up now bathing the room in a gorgeous light. It promised to be a beautiful day. Ed motioned for me to sit on the sofa as he dug through the cabinets. I hear running water, then a soft clang as he set a kettle on the range. There was two softer clinks as he set down two cups. I found the remote buried under a pile of papers. My eyes skimmed over the papers. Whatever he had written was crossed out. Brushing them aside I turn the tv on, flipping through the channels. He had sat two cups of tea down on the coffee table, going back to fetch the sugar. 

"I wasn't sure how you like your tea so...well, I don't even know if you like tea but its proper to make some for someone who's a guest." I reach for a sugar packet, shaking it slightly before ripping it open and pouring it in my cup. He snagged up the remote and within a few clicks The Simpsons opening theme was playing across the screen. I had tucked my feet up underneath myself, sipping on my tea. Ed sat next to me, his feet propped up on the table. One hand wrapped around his cup, the other resting on the back of the couch. Within a couple episodes, the tea was gone and I was resting my head on his shoulder. His arm had wrapped around me, his fingers idly playing with a few strands of my hair.

We spent the entire day in his suite. When we had started getting hungry, he called up some food. When a box of pizza showed up, with a bag of fries I couldn't help but laugh. 

"I promised you pizza and chips and I am a man of my word." He placed the fries on my slice before handing it over. Eyebrow cocked he watched as I took a bite, the cheese, sauce, pepperoni and potato coming together in my mouth. "Well? What do you think?"

I stare at the slice, letting the flavors run over my tongue. I swallow before I decided I left him in suspense long enough. “This is delicious!" 

"Yes!" He had done a small fist pump, his face beaming, "See, I knew I liked you for a reason!" he pointed his finger my way, shaking it slightly as he nodded. His eyes squinted slightly, mouth pulled in a sideways smile that could only be described as a 'they know what's up' expression.

He poured the rest of the fries over the pizza, grabbing a slice for himself. He took the first bite with gusto. I found watching him eat was just as enjoyable as the food itself. I smiled as a bit of cheese clung to his chin.  I reached across the table and pull the cheese off. I lick it off my finger before grabbing another slice for myself. It was only after his eyes had flicked from my mouth to my fingers did I realise what exactly I had did. 

"God, you're gorgeous."

I stopped mid chew. In my minds eye there was fries sticking out of my mouth, cheeks packed full like a chipmunk. Sauce smeared everywhere. You know how animators draw their characters when they're chowing down? Just like that. While in reality there was just a small bit cheese stuck to my face and sauce at the corners of my mouth. 

"Whut?" My mouth still full so it came out pretty muffled. I definitely hadn't felt that gorgeous. Messy hair, sleepwear, bits of pizza stuck to my face. Now I'm not as obsessed with my appearance as some, but I do like to look my best. This wasn't it.

"You're fucking gorgeous." He repeated,  "Not many women would show up in pajamas to a diner. Nor would they be attacking that pizza like you are. They'd be shy, proper. Dressed in their best clothes, hiding behind makeup, eating salads with little nibbles." He mimicked how he thought girls ate their pizza, with the daintiest bite, covering his mouth as he chewed, causing me to do a pretty unladylike snort. He swallowed and continued. "This, well this takes confidence and that's the key, innit?"

I put my slice back down in the box, reach for a napkin and wipe my fingers off slowly before dropping it on the table. "Well, I hate to disappoint, but I was almost that woman. Well, the whole fancy clothes, makeup bit anyway. But I will always enjoy my food. No dainty bites here." 

"Mmm, but you still did it and that's what matters." After the pizza had been cleared away, we went back to the couch, with one minor adjustment. Ed had pulled the duvet off the bed and threw it over us as we continued watching. I pulled it up to my chin, wiggling around to get into a comfortable position. There was no hesitation this time as soon as he sat down I snuggled close. I rested my hand on his chest, the other snaked around his torso, head on his shoulder. 

I don't know when I had fell asleep but I knew it was bound to happen. Full stomach, warm blanket. I vaguely remember Ed gently waking me up asking if I'd be more comfortable in bed. I had somehow wormed my way down into his lap. His fingers were running through my hair in a slow relaxing rhythm. I smiled at the memory of it. As I slowly gain more consciousness I realise his arms are around me. I could feel his breath on my face, light and steady, causing my hair to tickle my nose. I wiggle it, not really wanting to move too much and wake him. I open my eyes to find his face nearly touching mine. His face completely relaxed, peaceful, content. I take it in. The glorious mess of ginger hair standing out against the white linen. His ridiculously long eyelashes. Seriously, why do men have such long eyelashes? The light ginger freckles that were sprinkled across his cheeks. The light chest hair just peaking out from underneath his shirt, barely noticeable due to the colored ink. Hmm, his chest is tatted too. I tried to roll over and I heard him moan, tightening his grip in defiance, his eyebrows coming together. I felt a tug inside. People are the most vulnerable as they sleep and he was holding on to me like I was a salvation in a choppy sea. I place a kiss on his forehead, my fingers running through his hair.  I laid there for a moment, soaking in every bit of this I could. It had been well over a year since I'd just enjoyed sleeping next to someone. I missed it as much as I hated to admit it. 

I turn over as carefully as possible, another disgruntled moan, looking for my phone. Right on the nightstand, he must have put it there knowing I'd be searching for it as soon as I woke up. Smart boy.  I grab it, looking at the time. 8:45 am. I stare at it blankly for a second. At least my sleep schedule is back on track. Wait. That means it's Monday. 

"Oh fuck! It's Monday!" I flew up, tossing the duvet aside. Ed groggily rolled over, searching for any source of heat. He tugged the duvet to him, scrambling to stay warm.

"Shh, come back to bed." His voice thick with sleep. His hands came out, pulling my hips closer to him, trying to get me to lie back down. As tempting as it was, I really couldn’t afford to miss any work. I brush them off,  hearing the sad dull thud of rejection as they hit the mattress.

"I've got to be at work in fifteen minutes!” I was up on my feet in a rush, frantically looking  at my attire. “Fucking hell, I'm not dressed for work.” I groaned “ I'm not even wearing a bra for Christ's sake!"

Ed instantly became alert when I said work. His eyes snapped open, already alert, all signs of sleepiness gone. By looking at him your wouldn’t have had a clue only moment ago he was half out of it asking for a longer sleep in. The only thing that might have been a giveaway was the sleep tousled hair. He launched himself out of bed, heading to his closet.

I hear the coat hangers shuffle across the rack as he flicked through. There was a pause,"Wait, you're not wearing a bra?" There was a sly lilt to his voice.

I had been searching for my socks that had came off my feet as I slept. "Hey, you said come as you are and I wasn't wearing one at the time." In my hurry I had completely shoved the duvet off the bed has my hands skittered about the mattress feeling for an out of place lump.

"Well aren't you a naughty girl." I heard the door click close, his feet shuffling across the floor. He held out a white t-shirt for me to take. "Here, go put this one while I look for your socks." He eyed the fallen bedding. 

I take the offered shirt and bee lined to the bathroom. I slipped my shirt off, dropping it on the floor. I pulled his over my head. Well its better than what I was wearing but it doesn't hide the fact that I’m braless.

I walk back into his bedroom and he's clutching my bright blue socks. He gives me a quick glance over. "Yep, you're definitely not wearing a bra." I scowl and cross my arms. He puts up a finger and goes back to his closet. After a bit of shuffling he hands me a black and blue flannel. I slip it on and his fingers come up, making quick work of the buttons. "There. It's a bit on the thick side so it shouldn't be noticeable." His voice low. I could feel the surge of chemistry humming between us. My breath caught in my throat as I stare up in those brillant blue eyes. I noted that they were a misty grey color today. Fitting since I get lost in them so easily. His fingers still lingering at that top button. After a few seconds he clears his throat and pulls away. "You'd best get a move on. We don't want you to be late." As much as I didn't want to, I stepped back, taking a breath as I did so. Why in the absolute fucking hell didn't you kiss him Adi?!

"I'll message you when I'm on break, okay?" 

He slipped my glasses on my face, nodding in satisfaction. "Sounds good, now go on."

I grab my jacket from the back of the chair and cram my feet into my tennis shoes, wiggling them until they gave in and let my feet slide into place. I go to leave, my hand on the knob, but I turn back. 

"I forgot something."

"What?" He turned back around scanning over the flat, looking for my wayward item.

"This." I grab him and kiss him, his surprise evident, but quickly forgotten. "You can plan the next date." I say with a wink before rushing out the door. The last thing I saw was that crooked grin before the door closed. 

********************************************************************** Ed's POV

I stood staring at the now closed door, still feeling her lips against mine. I felt a bit guilty as I ordered room service, knowing she didn't get a chance to eat. As I waited I started gathering up all the rubbish that I had been neglecting to throw out over the past couple of days. I threw empty liquor bottle after empty liquor bottle in the bin, growing more disgusted with myself as I did so. As much as I played it off, I was appalled that Adi had saw my room in this state. She most likely wrote it off as 'Oh he's famous, he probably throws some wicked parties'. I don't know which I find worse. The fact she could see me as a wild drunken rock star or the truth. That I had drank all of these myself because everything was just too much to bear. I could hear the bottles clinking as I carried them over to the door. The sound of disappointment. 

After I decided to take a year off, I had cut ties with everyone. I rationalized it as I've toured for five years, we all deserve a break. While it sounded good, that wasn't the whole reason. I had became too reliant on my pain erasers. I was finding myself reaching for the bottle more and more. It was a nasty downward spiral and I didn't want them to see just how far I had fallen. They neglect to tell you that while everyone in the world may know your name, you'll never feel more lonely. The more they know of you, the less they know you. Nobody wants to hear the whingings of a rich, successful person who's living their dream. 

'How can you be upset when you've all this money.' More money, more people come banging on your door asking for it. They don't want to know what you've been up to, how you've been. They want to know how they can benefit from knowing me.

'You're out living your dream, doing what you love. You know how many would kill for that chance?' Yeah, maybe I'm lucky. I go, sing a few songs and get handed a big fat check. Easy peasy. Or maybe I worked my ass off, sacrificed alot to get to where I am. This didn't happen over night. 

'You sound like a real prat going on about how it's lonely when you could have your choice of so many women.'  Oh, sure I get my pick of the ladies. Of course, they're expecting this perfect rom com version that I just can't live up to. There's just too much pressure to be perfect and there is no way in hell I can live up to that. If that makes me sound jilted, so be it. Hell, maybe I am. 

After a while, you just stop trying. 

Then here she comes crashing into my life. I had been so wrapped up in conversation I had had with my dad earlier that day that I wasn't paying attention to what was going on around me and crashed right into somebody. Thinking I was going to have to put my powers of persuasion to the test, since I assumed I ran into a big metal head, I started coming up with what to say. I wasn't expecting to have run into a petite woman. Instinctively I grab on to her so she doesn't fall. I see her mouth open but the next band had drowned out whatever she had started to say. I gave her a thumbs up to show her it's all good, no harm done. She returned it, an embarassed smile on her face before continuing on her way. I didn't notice she had spilled a majority of her beer until after she had left. 

When I had finally found her, after an extremely helpful patron had pointed out there was a whole rooftop patio. There she was, not sitting at a table among a group of people like I had anticipated, chatting and laughing about whatever. She was alone, perched on the edge of the roof looking down on all the rambunctious people on the street. I could only see half of her face, but there was a distant look that I knew so well. That look had vanished as soon as I spoke and she faced me. 

Her hair was dark and sleek, hanging a bit below shoulders, the light bouncing off of it. Her eyes a captivating mixture of green and brown that brought to mind a vast forest, promising to be as strong and resilient and just as easy to get lost in. The way she'd cocked that eyebrow up, the way the right side of her mouth came up in a slight smirk. Her voice, silvery, with a slight smoky edge. If good whisky had a voice. I almost lose my nerve. She's stunning, there's no way I have a shot. 

She introduced herself. That smirk still on her face. She was obviously enjoying herself Well, it was nice being some random stranger. I took her hand and introduced myself. "Now you're not a stranger anymore," A glint of playfulness danced across her features, "You're Ed. How 'bout we get that drink, yeah?" There was no slight eye widening, no mouth opening. No awe. No wonder. Holy hell, she has no clue who I am. There is no way I got this lucky.

"Y’know what Ed? You're, well you're pretty fantastic." I see her reach over the bar grabbing the bartender's pen and a bar napkin. She starts scribbling her name and number on it, "Here, this is my number," She presses it against her lips, leaving a faint reddish pink lip outline before sliding it my way.” I really hope to hear from you." She walked out the door into the cab I had called for her. I quickly fold it carefully, slipping it into my pocket, snagging her jacket that she had left behind on the stool. I  hurry to catch up with her. I help her get into her cab. I leaned in to put her jacket on her lap. She giggled as I did so, placing a quick kiss on my cheek. "I should send your mother some- some flowers. She raised a proper gent." The way she blinked up at me, a lopsided grin on her face, her fingers lightly tapping my chest in an overdramatic way, swaying a bit. Not to mention her poor attempt at a British accent when she said proper gent. It was the first time in a long while I had felt the comment was sincere, not just because of my image.

I woke up the next morning with my head pounding. If you could really call it morning, it was almost noon. I shield my eyes from the light pouring in from the window. I didn't feel as despicable and pathetic as I usually did coming off a drunk. I rolled over, seeing the napkin folded on my nightstand. I smiled, remembering how she would lean over the table and say random words when I was drawing back to shoot. The way her hips moved as she danced around the cue. Then just forgetting the cue entirely, hands waving in the air, huge grin plastered on her face as she danced to a beat only she could hear. All too quickly reality set in. How long do I have before she figures out who I am and this all comes crashing down? I pick up the napkin and stare at it. Looking at the perfect lip print right below her number. Those lips had been pressed on my cheek. 'You're a proper gent.' A proper gent would message to see if she was okay. I type out a message, my thumb hovering over the send button. How long am I going to drag this out for? Once she knows who I am, it's going to change. You're just going to make it worse on yourself in the end. If it can even get worse. Binders in hotel rooms are about as low as you can go. There was one ember of optimism left in me that said give it a shot. 

After the message sent I started doing my usual morning routine. Teeth, shower, breakfast. While the shower calmed my nerves and alleviated some of my headache, I still felt like someone had filled me with cotton. I ignored my phone for as long as I could, until curiosity had gotten the better of me and I opened her response. I hadn't realised I was holding my breath until I let it out. Well, no outburst of are you Ed Sheeran yet. That's promising. When her late night text came through as I was riding in a taxi to a diner. I was taken by surprise. I was still getting used to the time difference so my sleep schedule was a little off, still in sync with back home. However that surprise was nothing compared to the surprise of her asking to join me for breakfast. Of course she'd ask when you're out in your pyjamas. She'll look marvelous and I'll look like a bum off the street. I wonder if she'll come in pyjamas too...won't know unless I try...

She spotted me first. How is it she still managed to look stunning in a old faded lion king shirt and yoga pants? Hair thrown up in a careless bun. There was a look of apprehension on her face. I could feel my heart sink, assuming it was all because of who I was. When she got closer and I saw the scar it clicked. I look over the rest of her face. If she thought it made her any less beautiful, she was fooling herself. It was soon forgotten after we started talking. 

Then she said the magic words. Can I ask you something? The way she was staring at her lap, fidgeting with her sleeve I knew it was something she found hard to ask. Then out pops Why me. So she does know who I am. I felt a bit disheartened at that, but her attitude hadn't changed since the previous night. So I decide to ask the question that had been burning a hole in me. Does this change things? The way her face remained neutral, I guess she had given this alot of thought. After her answer, I found myself able to enjoy myself. 

I felt a little dirty that I had went out of my way to keep who I was away from her. While I hadn’t outright lied to her, there was a fair bit of subterfuge. When we were swapping drunken stories I had purposely picked ones with my mates back home. She didn’t seem bothered by it, I had expected questions like how’s it traveling the world? Who’s the coolest person you’ve met? Stupidest shit you’ve bought. No one bothers with the common first date questions since it’s all over the web. So when she asked, where’d you grow up? What’s your folks do?  Siblings? I was happy to oblige. 

It was nice to feel normal, so when the first group came stumbling in, I was a little irritated. Don’t get me wrong, I love my fans. I’ll never be rude or hateful towards anyone unless they absolutely deserve it.  I know once I step outside, I pretty much belong to them. It doesn’t make it any less frustrating. So when one of them keeps eyeballing our table, I decide it’s probably best to leave.

I’m waiting for the waitress to bring back my card when the next wave comes in. I picked the right time to leave. Adi was leaning against the wall next to the door, flicking through something on her phone when some guy saunters up to her, looming over her. I could only see her face and she looked not only uninterested, but mildly annoyed. The way he towered over her, his stance, and her face told me this man was bad news. I felt a flicker of anger try and flare up. As soon as I got my card back I make my way to her, slipping my arm around her. I didn’t want him anywhere near her. As soon as I locked eyes with him I knew he wasn’t as drunk as he was pretending to be. I felt her hand come up, gently rubbing my back. She’s trying to soothe me.  I push the door open, easing her out it. 

I was on the assumption that this was the end of the night for us that now we'd go our separate ways. I was plesantly surprised when she offered to show me around the city, even if the shops were all closed and all we could do was walk by them. I slipped my hand around hers, letting her lead me along. She pointed out some of the landmarks, giving brief explainations of why the were so popular. Shops that she thought were worth a look, what had good food, what didn't and where to avoid if I wanted to fly under the radar. I made mental notes of each place she pointed out, forcing myself to remember them. Granted my memory is kind of poor, poorer of the late but I was certain I could remember the names. Even if I couldn't remember the location.

When she said she had one more place I knew it was the most significant by the way her eyes lit up. When we reached  it, she had broke away, rushing ahead. I could help but smile at her as she ran to a decent sized fountain in the middle. Spinning around, her arms open wide a huge grin radiatiating across her face. It was a quaint park. There was plenty of room for people to put a blanket down and relax for a spell. I could see why she loved it so much. We sat on a black iron wrought bench the was in front of the fountain. When she handed me a penny, I felt touched that she was including me in something she found comforting. The way the lights reflected off the water on and onto her face as she had her eyes closed in combination with the bittersweet look she wore when she said her wish came true is what made me reach out and kiss her. With the fairy lights all around and the overall romantic ambience that came with this little park it seemed like the perfect opportunity. I might not be able to erase the bitter taste the past left behind but I can give you a pleasing one now. 

We were standing in the lobby waiting for the elevator when I noticed  her face pulled into a worrisome look. She knows nothing of my "good guy" reputation. She just knows I could go home with a different girl every night. I quickly put her fears to rest, assuring her I'm not the type. I tried but I quickly learned it wasn't sex I was wanting. I just wanted someone to care about me. Adi had said it perfectly. Each encounter left me feeling even worse about myself. She's been through something similar, how else would she know the feeling?.  She was still wrapped up in her thoughts because as soon as the elevator stopped she was trying to walk off it. I grab her hand, really just looking for any excuse to keep her close. Whatever she was thinking of must have been pleasant, as she stared dreamily off. 

Her amazement at my suite was so pure. She bounced around as I showed her everything. The envious look in her eye when I showed her the bathroom. For a second I thought I saw a flicker of lust. Well well, what's on your mind you naughty girl? The way she sat on the couch, flipping lazily through the channel as I prepared tea. The light falling on her, casting a glow around her. She had pulled down her hair, running her fingers through it, teasing it. There was a bit of wave due to it being pulled up. She was a stunning work of art. When that work of art dove into the pizza with such enthusiasm I couldn’t help but smile. I tucked in with my own slice, enjoying it even though I only had it the day before. When I had lowered the slice, her long delicate fingers came up to my chin, plucking a strand of cheese that had adhered itself to my face. Her eye’s glimmering in a warm way, a little smile upon her lips. She’s such a beautiful person.

Since she had snuggled up to me prior to the food, I pulled the duvet off the bed and over us to give us a more cozy feel. Her arms wrapped around me, holding me close. I ran my fingers through her hair absentmindedly as I watched the screen. After a couple episodes I could hear her breathing deepening as she drifted off.  As her body relaxed she slipped down my torso, her head landed in my lap. She was snoring lightly, her mouth slightly open, hair sticking to my shirt and some to her face. I wonder if she’d rather sleep in her own bed? I lean down and softly whisper in her ear asking if she would be more comfortable in her own bed. She moaned, burying her self more in my lap. As carefully as I could I slide out from under her. I bend down, scooping her up in my arms and carry her to my bed. As much as I’d love to sleep beside her, I didn’t want to push it. The couch is plenty comfortable, seeing as how I usually fall asleep there most nights anyway. No, I can't really call that falling asleep. I need to face the facts and call it what it was, blacking out. When I went to pull away after I set her down, she grabbed onto my shirt a whiny no coming from her lips. I whispered in her ear that I’m just getting the duvet, I'd be right back. When I come back, she's curled in almost the fetal position, hugging herself. I expected her to spread out as soon as the duvet hit  her but she still stayed in that little huddled ball. She didn't move an inch when I eased into bed. It wasn't until my arm draped over her did she roll over and place her forehead against my chest. We stayed that way for the rest of the night. Our breathing slowly falling in sync. 

I could see light filtering in even through my closed eyelids but that wasn't what woke me up. Her fingers were running through my hair. Was she humming? I wanted to peak up at her but I didn't want her to know I was starting to come around. That's when I felt her lips press against my forehead. I conceal my smile until after she rolls over to check the time. The last little bit of peace before the chaos that insued after. 

The rap on the door pulled me out of my thoughts. Ah, my food's here. I take the tray, set it on the table, thanking the man before closing the door. As I ate I thought back to when I was helping her with the flannel. It had felt like I was touching a live wire. Why didn't you kiss her? Are you mad?! The hurried kiss before she left more than made up for it. The way her hands came up to my face, her lips crashing on mine. The hestitation to pull away and the way she bit her bottom lip after. That little sexy smirk with the wink as she closed the door. 

I heard a ping from my phone that was still sitting on the coffee table. I pluck it from its resting spot, flipping it open to see a message from Adi. 

"I'm so sorry about having to rush out the way I did. Monday's can be hectic sometimes. I feel awful about it. I'll plan better next time." 

That's right, I'm planning the next date. Maybe I should start fishing for some information so I can plan something extra special I type back "Don't worry about it, I understand completely. I felt like an ass since you had to scramble out of here in such a rush you didn't get to enjoy a decent meal."

"I usually eat here anyway so that's no big deal. However, showing up in men's clothing and no makeup caused the rumor mill to catch on fire. I'm playing twenty questions. What's his name? What's he do? What's he look like? Where'd you meet? Oooooh, you slept over? How about you stay in your lane and mind your own business CAROL. Vultures. Everyone of them."

I tsked at the first part of the message, picturing a banana or some other type of fruit as breakfast. Not if I have my way about it. I figured being seen in my clothes would raise some questions and I was curious how she would handle them.  A thought crossed my mind. Since she's keeping who I actually am quiet, why not have a bit of fun. "You want to fuck with them? I'll feed you a load of crap to tell them."

"Omg, yes! Lay it on me!"

We spent a majority of the morning coming up with an elaborate backstory. By the time we were done my name was Kevin, I worked at the local supermarket but that was only to support my dream of being an artist/slam poet. My parents didn't approve of my dreams so I moved away to follow them. I've been out here for 2 years now and I've almost sold one painting, which was surprising considering I only painted using my left hand since creativity flows through your non dominant hand. Some of the ideas were beyond ridiculous like being a part of underground street races, her majesty's top spy, a vigilante who broke into people's homes just to play with their pets while they were away and an embassidor of Hogwarts.

Adi  had been texting me their reactions towards Kevin throughout the day as I straightened up the suite. Apparently the reviews were mixed, while most had taken the good for him for not giving up on his dreams stance, one only wanted to know looks and if we'd shagged and one lectured her about how she needed to find someone who's feet were planted on the ground. Which she added thanks for the lecture I didn’t ask for Carol, causing me to snort as I sorted through my laundry. 

With the dishes clean, papers that were spread across the coffee table were tucked away in a folder. Dirty laundry was put in a hamper bag, ready for me to wash. It may have been something small and simple but it felt like I was finally going in the right direction. For the first time in months I had written something down in my diary. It started as a way to remember all the stuff I did during that time but it soon because a habit. I stopped at the end of my last tour because I just stopped caring. I didn’t want to look back and remember such a dark times. After a brief summary of the weekend I ended it with this.

Will she be the torch that leads me out of the darkness or the inferno that consumes me, leaving nothing behind but devastation?

[sawamura-daichis-thighs]

get to know the author

I was tagged by @yaoyoroses :D thank you En!

Tag | @l1nkp1t​, @astersandstuffs​, @eccentrick-stardust​, @amajikies​, & @hajiiwa​ (if any of you would like to!)

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean? i wanted a Haikyuu!! themed username since i fell deep so here we are :3 in terms of my ao3 username, Miah_Kat, it’s a mashup of my nickname & a name for an old OC; i use some variation of it as a default whenever i make a new account somewhere bc i’m bad at thinking up usernames on the spot. ^^”

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos). what if i told you...? is at the top with 734 hits & 133 kudos (!!!!! holy crow) on tumblr, Cafuné is the most popular with 46 notes :”D

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it? it’s of megane Oikawa! ^^ i chose it because he’s one of my favorite characters & he looks damn good in glasses

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters? @l1nkp1t, @wallynorthbynorthwest, @ninja-spacenerd, & @littleop always leave me wonderful comments/tags that never fail to brighten my day!! ❤❤❤❤

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again? hmmm i can’t think of one off the top of my head but y’all should def check out my bookmarks & fic rec tag for some awesome works!!

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked? i’m subscribed to 46 users, 20 series, & 127 works. I’ve bookmarked 257.

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most? i don’t stray far from canon-compliant stuff but i find myself writing a lot of getting together, first kisses, or domestic fluff kind of stuff. If I’m going to go full-AU though I lean towards fantasy.

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page) i have 8 user subscribers, 17 unspecified subscriptions, & 111 bookmarks total ^^

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!) mmm well i think every writer has some general fears of being judged, regardless of what’s written. for me, maybe smut since i just don’t write it often (& i’ve only ever posted one fic that has it)

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc. writing in general?? lol idk i’d like to be more...dedicated, i guess? i can’t seem to finish anything without it taking months. i also have a hard time with details, so i’d like to find a good middle-ground with that. oh, and world-building when writing fantasy (it’s just so much work aslkdjfk)

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often? i write popular ships more often but i’m absolutely open to writing rarepairs! i know it can be disheartening to really love a ship but not be able to find much content for it, so i don’t mind getting rarepair requests. i like making people happy if i can :)

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)? 33 on ao3

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program? 18 WIPs in Google Docs & probably...10+ in my laptop files?

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head? oh, definitely write them down! i can keep them in my head for a little while but there’s a 95% chance of not remembering them after something distracts me lol

15. Have you ever co-authored a story? kind of? back in high-school my best friend & i used to write stories together. it was all for fun though, nothing that ever made it to a site. i think it would be fun to do a collab with someone though! :D

16. How did you discover AO3? i think a post from tumblr linked me to it & i’d seen a lot of people talking about it, so i gave it a shot.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3? HAH no way lmao  😂😂😂

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers? not really. i just think everyone who reads my stuff are wonderful, lovely people ^^

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write? i’ve read basically my whole life and fanfiction led me to writing. there wasn’t a specific story or author though; just the realization that i could also put my own twist on characters/fandoms i enjoyed. i also have an amazing best friend who supported my passion when it first began, so she’s definitely a huge part of why i continued to write.

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author? read. a lot. write, even when you don’t want to or think it sucks. as with any kind of art, experience and practice is the only way you’ll get better. be open to constructive-criticism but don’t let the “rules” overwhelm or suffocate your passion. most importantly: write what you like! what you want to read! have fun with it!

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go? oh jeez, it’s a mixture of both? i usually start with a scene in my head that makes me go “i wanna write that” but then i have to find a way to get to the scene? so i either wing it, if the idea was clear enough, or i scribble down an outline to get my base ideas down but leave wiggle room for inspiration during the writing process.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do? i’m sure i have, back when i first started; i likely commented back that if it wasn’t their preference, there was no need to read the fic or leave a rude comment behind.

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)  a c t i o n, definitely. i also get kind of stuck on kisses? idk how much detail to put into them lol

24. What story(s) are you working on now? even tho i’m slow af about it i’m currently working on 2 actively:

a makoharu gift exchange fic!

a klance fic with which i’m taking my first steps into writing for VLD (i’m jumping on the bandwagon where they’re somehow physically stuck together (via alien handcuffs in mine) for a time & grow closer as a result)

i’m always sorta-kinda working on my various iwaoi fics; the nipple-piercing fic is near completion & i’ve recently remembered my single dads au that i hope to work more on soon ^^

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)? pffftt all the time. the ideas are definitely more forthcoming than the Muse & motivation like to be.

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself? nope. i tried that for a while but it didn’t stick.

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started? absolutely! although i sometimes have mixed feelings about it, concentrating in creative writing definitely helped me improve in many ways.

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written? i don’t...really...have one? ^^” i guess i am particularly fond of with a hoarse voice, under the blankets just because i feel i managed to get the atmosphere & imagery i wanted

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written? anything from when i first began lol

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years? hopefully still improving & enjoying what i write (as well as finishing what i start aslkdjfk). i’m not aiming for publication or anything; i just want to write for fun.

31. What is the easiest thing about writing? getting the ideas!

32. What is the hardest thing about writing? to quote En: “e v e r y t h i n g”

33. Why do you write? it’s fun! i enjoy making the ideas i have in my head come to fruition on paper. i like experimenting with styles and imagery & characters. i enjoy the happy dance my heart does when i know i’ve described a scene or a character just right. i’ve made a lot of amazing friends through writing & i love knowing something i’ve created might bring a smile to someone. ❤

[consulting-caffrey]

Fanfiction Questions!

A great big thank you to @tohavealifetimeoffun for letting me use these! 1. What was the first fandom you got involved in? Heartland. 2. What is your latest fandom? White Collar! 3. What is the best fandom you've ever been involved in? The best? That's tough. That's really tough. But in the end I have to go with White Collar. 4. Do you regret getting involved in any fandoms? Nope. Not a single one. 5. Which fandoms have you written fanfiction for? Mainly White Collar because I only started posting just before getting into that fandom seriously. Before that, it was Avengers. 6. List your OTP from each fandom you've been involved in. Heartland: Ty/Amy Iron Man: Pepper/Tony Avengers: Tony/Steve Supernatural: Dean/Lisa (judge me all you want, destiel shippers) White Collar: Neal/Sarah but hell, its hard to choose between that and Neal/Peter because COME ON that show is practically throwing it at us! 7. List your NoTPs from each fandom you've been in. Hoboy... Heartland: Amy/Soraya Uncharted: Chloe/Nadene Iron Man: Pepper/Natasha Avengers: Clint/Laura (I'm sorry but I can't. I will die for Clintasha) White Collar: Neal/Jones (I've seen it, I respect it, I admire from a distance, but I can't. Same with Neal/Diana) 8. How did you get involved in your latest fandom? Well, it started when I stumbled upon it on Netflix and thought one of the guys on there looked cute (I'll let you guess which one) and so I started watching it only to get bored partway through and I went galavanting in the Avengers fandom for a few years before coming back like "Hey I never finished that". And here I've stayed ever since. Stuck. Thanks, Jeff Eastin. 9. What are the best things about your current fandom? Even though the show has ended, the White Collar fandom is still alive and active. Its like we all still stick together and keep track of what Matt Bomer is up to these days like "hey, The Last Tycoon! Also I just wrote another White Collar fic haha pry this show from my cold dead hands". 10. Is there a fandom you read fic from but don't write in? Nah, I don't stray far from White Collar. 11. Who is your current OTP? Gotta be Neal/Peter at the moment. I just love their bromance though. I know those two are like THE ship but I usually prefer Neal/Sarah, which for some reason isn't very well liked, I hear??? 12. Who is your current OT3? Um, the only OT3 I've ever had. Peter/Neal/El 13. Any NoTPs? Neal/Jones, Neal/June (what?), and I don't wanna say its a definite no, because I miiiiight consider Neal/Mozzie. And I have written Neal/Diana but I don't particularly like it. 14. Go on, who are your BroTPs? Peter/Neal of course, Neal/Mozzie 15. Is there any obscure ship that you love? Well not really. Neal/Kate, but I wouldn't call it obscure. 16. Are there any popular ships in your fandom which you dislike? Ehhhh not really. 17. Who was your first OTP and are they still your favorite? Ty/Amy from Heartland and yes, I still love those two to bits. 18. What ship have you written the most about? Steve/Tony. Funny since I started out HATING those two together and it was EVERYWHERE all up in my face but then next thing I know I've got like fifty stories about them 19. Is there a ship you wish you could get behind but you just don't feel them? Neal/Mozzie. 20. Any ships which you surprised yourself by liking? Peter/Neal/El, like I said. I like it, I do. I've just never had an OT3 before and I think that's what threw me off a bit. 21. What was the first fanfic you ever wrote? That would be a Heartland fic that took up an entire notebook. 22. Is there anything you regret writing? Eh... Sometimes. I regret writing things that I don't finish. 23. Name a fic you've written that you're especially fond of and explain why you like it. Neal Caffreys. Oh man I want to continue that little project forever. There are so many possibilities. 24. What fic so you desperately need to rewrite or edit? Ummmm probably Take Me Back To Normal. I need to offer more explanation and reason for my torture haha 25. What's your most popular fanfic? I haven't checked in a while but I believe it's Neal Caffreys. 26. How do you come up with your fanfic titles? Sometimes song lyrics or they just... come to me? 27. What do you hate more: coming up with titles or writing summaries? Summaries oh god... 28. If someone were to draw a piece of fan art for your story, which story would it be and what would the picture be of? Oooooooo It would be for a story that I'm currently working on (actually a chapter for Neal Caffreys but I really want to make it a full story) where Neal is a horseman. The picture would be Neal standing next to his horse, and the horse would look all badass and everything AGH! Please somebody. Also hey I do have a piece of fan art for my story Tale Me Back To Normal done by @kanarek13 and I love it so much 29. Do you have a beta reader? Why/Why not? I do not. I am very good with English and writing so I can edit my own stuff. In fact, I prefer to. It just kinda feels lazy to pass a piece off to someone else to do that for me. 30. What inspires you to write? Well watching the show helps. Also reading fanfiction. 31. What's the nicest thing that someone has ever said about your writing? Oh gosh, that they go back and read it all the time so I should never take it down. That just made me so happy to hear. 32. Do you listen to music when you write or does music inspire you? If so, which band of music/genre does it for you? I cannot listen to music when I write. I like to have quiet so I can picture what I want better. If I have music on, I just end up drowning it out anyway. But music itself does inspire me sometimes. 33. Do you write one-shots, multi-chapter fics, or huuuge epics? Oneshots are what I try to stick to, but the multi-chapter thing is also okay. Huge epics? Lol not so much 34. What's the word count on your longest fic? Oh man I gotta go look this up... 35,038 ...Holy crap 35. Do you write drabble? If so, what do you write them about? Hmmm I think I've written maybe two drabble fics? I don't do them often because I like my h/c action torture awfulness. But I do like to get in Neal's head. 36. What's your favorite genre to write? Everybody whose read any of my stuff already knows it's hurt/comfort and angsty things. 37. First person or third person- What do you write in and why? Third person preferably. I just like to get a wider perspective, but with third person, you can also hone in on individuals and their thoughts. 38. Do you use established canon characters or do you create OCs? Both? Obviously my fics are always almost 99% canon characters but I do have OCs that I like to slip in there. I have OCs that I use for RPing but you can find Finnigan Roderas here and there as well as Victor "Vito" Odell in For Your Entertainment. They're a couple of mine. I am a proud parent to at least three more. 39. What is your greatest strength as a writer? The way I can put myself in a scene and imagine all the details, mostly emotions, that go with it. 40. What do you struggle with the most in your writing? Well like I mentioned, I tend to write stories around one small thing I want to get out, and once that thing is out and I've created a mess, I just go "...what now? I didn't think this far ahead..." 41. List and link to five fanfics you are currently reading. Oh man I usually only read one at a time... But I'll put that one down and then add four that I read before it. Enemies http://archiveofourown.org/works/2290154 You Look Like A Koala http://archiveofourown.org/works/2329949 Somehow, Sundown http://archiveofourown.org/works/6159619 Wrong Time, Wrong Place http://archiveofourown.org/works/2435216 Love Lift Me Up http://archiveofourown.org/works/2503781 42. List and link to five fanfiction authors that are amazing. Now this I can do. pooh_collector http://archiveofourown.org/users/pooh_collector/pseuds/pooh_collector Sholio http://archiveofourown.org/users/Sholio/pseuds/Sholio Huntress79 http://archiveofourown.org/users/Huntress79/pseuds/Huntress79 Ashley5627 http://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashley5627/pseuds/Ashley5627 NYWCgirl http://archiveofourown.org/users/NYWCgirl/pseuds/NYWCgirl 43. Is there anyone in your fandom who really inspires you? Definitely @kanarek13 and @archivistsrock Also @hirunoka and all the anons who keep encouraging me to write and keep writing~ 44. What ship do you feel needs more attention? Mozzie/Gina 45. What is your all time favorite fanfic? A week ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell you, but then I found Out of the Wastes by Sholio and I can't tell you how much I love it. Seriously. Go check it out. 46. If someone was to read one of your fanfics, which fic would you recommend to them and why? Mmmmm... I don't know that I'd recommend any of them, but I guess Neal Caffreys is my pride and joy. That one. 47. Archive of our Own, Dreamwidth, LiveJournal, Fanfiction.net, or Tumblr- Where do you prefer to post and why? AO3 for sure. I like the setup and everyone on there seems nice so far (barring one strange incident). I used to post on FF but eh... A couple people on there really pissed me off. I'll leave it at that. 48. Do you care if people comment/reboot your writing? Why/Why not? I'm not sure what that means. Comments on my writing in a separate post? Rebooting my story to make a better version themselves? Idk I've never really experienced either of those things, if that's what this means. I guess maybe I wouldn't mind. Not sure. 49. How did you get into reading and/or writing fanfiction? I got into writing it first because the idea came to me all on its own and I thought I was a genius. Then I believe my dear friend @tfwhancock was like "let me show you FF" and I was stuck there for months. 50. Rant or hush about one thing you love or hate in the world of fanfiction! Go! I LOVE THAT IT EXISTS OH MY GOD YES I love that I can use characters that I love and write them and make them do what I want and just AGHHGGH I LOVE IT SO MUCH. It's so fun and exciting and just reading what people come up with is the most amazing thing! When you have to stop reading and just appreciate a line or a phrase like "oh that's good" Mmmmm love me that feeling~ Tagging: anyone who wants to do this!

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

8/9/19 1:15am Super Update 2/?

Yknow I really thought hard about naming this one “there’s something about mary.” it would’ve been delightfully tacky, right? Maybe not.

Nah.

Anyway, first let’s start off with tempering some of that unabashed dicksucking I just did. I still feel overweight. I don’t feel Fat per se, I’m gaining a little bit more confidence in myself (especially now that I’m hooking up with girls again), but I don’t really feel as attractive as I was a year and a half ago. I’m much Happier, don’t get me wrong, but it is a simple truth that I’m not quite as sexy as I was then. Baby steps, we’ll get there.

Anyway.

So here’s where we’re at then. Super skinny me, doing karaoke every week, I think I’m still blonde, Mary asks ME out, we start fucking. She’s delightfully kinky, and the way her pussy would writhe as she came and squirted on me every time is something I’ll never forget, for sure. Like it would do this squeezing and pushing motion like something in the back was popping forward and rolling onto me. Very unique. Super hot lol. Quite a mess, but I loved it of course.

Resumed, 8/10/19 12:56 AM

Sorry, had to take care of some patients and then I got distracted watching twitch the rest of the night. Mostly it’s laziness. But pacing these out seems at least a little more respectful to put the amount of thought and reflection on each that they deserve lol. 

I’m also gonna try to dig up the paper-diary posts that I was writing at the time. They’re hidden in some notebooks so I’ll try to go back and find them and insert them where they’re appropriate retroactively.

So Mary. Mary was fun. I remember her making me chicken noodle soup when we hung out and got wine drunk at her place before having lots of raucous sex. I remember getting snowed in at her place and building a snowman with her the next day, pouring wine onto the snow on the roof of our cars and eating it off like little wine popsicles. Mary and I were never exclusive, she made it abundantly clear that she was seeing other people. In fact, she was seeing one guy in particular who she was like... dating? Who I Think was under the impression that they were exclusive or something. In so many words, I was her side hoe lmfao. It was fun. I’ve already written about how we had phish concerts in common and that was enough to make me feel like she really got where I was coming from in a way not many people did. Plus she had these two cute kitties and a whole fuckton of vhs tapes of old 90s movies we used to watch. Had a nice day of watching Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

Mary always did fun little songs at karaoke. I remember she would do “I’m Just a Squirrel” to the tune of No Doubt, and whenever she Really couldn’t think of what to do and was a little drunk she’d do Tequila Wayyy before that meme guy happened this year. It was hilarious, I get why people freaked out about that guy, but she beat him to the punchline for me. 

But she was also into doing a lot of drugs and having sex with a lot of people. So while it was refreshing to be a side hoe it was also only just a bit disconcerting lol. I do my best not to judge though, I’d probably be doing the same tbh. I think just coke freaks me out just because I don’t Like it. 

I can’t remember how we got on the subject, but somehow or another Mary ended up finding out about my cat tail butt plug. I suppose it’s because I brought my sex toy box over to her place and it was in there. But when she found out about it she thought it was amazing and wanted to try too. I think it was just some random day, I suppose I could try to pull up the picture dates, but one day we hung out at Walkers drinking for a while, drove out to an Adam and Eve, got her a nice little black fox tail plug, and then I finally got to live out my fantasy of having sex with a tail on WITH me also getting to wear my tail. Holy fuck it was some of the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. Like absolutely beastial. I remember her meowing at me a lot, I literally came like 6 times after fucking for about 3 or 4 hours. Just pounding the fuck away at each other in every position imaginable. hahahahah holy shit at one point I leaned over the side of the bed to grab some more lube as I was fucking her doggystyle, but accidentally repositioned my knee onto my tail, pulling it out of my ass REALLY quick. One of the worst feelings, like it just ripped out. and then to make matters worse later when we finally finished and I tried to help her pull hers out I kinda just Yoinked it and did the same thing to herrrrrr hahahaha SHE DIDN’T EVEN SLEEP IN THE BED WITH ME. omfg yeah she left to go get a drink and never came back, and I couldn’t tell if she was furious or just too drunk and passed out on the couch. In the morning she didn’t remember being mad and said it was amazing sex though, so it was a relief to know it was the latter. And she posed up for me and let me take some amazing pics :3 It became the start of a furry tail self-porn folder that I’ve cultivated only slightly and solidified my fetish completely and entirely. 

Ah unfortunately that was one of the last times we hooked up. I think in total we were fooling around for like a month or two? Long enough for me to tell my fam about her and my mom to give me a bracelet to give to her which I never did because I thought it’d be weird.

In the end Mary told me that she wanted to get serious with her real boyfriend, and that I probably shouldn’t come over anymore. It didn’t really beat me up all that much, because we had moved on to really only hanging out when we hooked up at her place. She had stopped going to karaoke because her new job she had to work in the mornings on wednesdays, so I didn’t see her as much either. But what totally fucked me is that I had a bunch of stuff at her place. I had brought a PS2 I had borrowed from Spencer and a copy of Kingdom Hearts 1 that I had borrowed from Jimmy over to her place, and she gave me the ps2 back with an off brand controller and without the copy of KH1. She kept her plug and gave me my other toys back, which was to be expected. Totally worth for me lol. But GOD DAMMIT that copy of KH1 and the controller really frustrated me lmao. When she said I couldn’t swing by to just get my own stuff I wrote out this detailed list that she ignored and then her old roommate took my shit and moved out when he found out she was getting serious with her boyfriend. Also a little piece of shit. He was the first person I played magic with in years though so he wasn’t all bad. I think he was definitely jealous that I was fucking mary though. Lol this month one of the things I finally did was replaced that copy of KH1 to start playing it on my own and eventually give it back to Jimmy, and fixed a cable I broke on that PS2. I hate breaking people’s shit/not returning it to them, it really frustrates me.

Anyway, yeah that’s about it with her. We would still see each other once in a while and she was snapping me for a bit just as friends. We’re still really cool. I think her and her boyfriend are doing well still too, so that’s sweet. And I’d see him out at bars and he wouldn’t kick my ass, though I still don’t really know if he knew if I was fucking her lmao. I remember shaking his hand a few times and still being like “I fucking wonder lmao.”

But yeah, having a girl ask me out was a huge ego boost. Mary was a gem. <3

What’s more, is she gave me faith that maybe dating is worth my time. Maybe there’s actually someone out there in the world who’s as weird as I am. Maybe.

[dredshirtroberts]

y’all it’s been a month and i’m drunk so i’m gonna ramble

you know what FUCK HIM.

i have wasted my life focusing and obsessing over people who are not deserving of my loveliness.

Like i’m a disaster trashcan don’t get me wrong, but fuckin’....i’m worth more than people who don’t give a fuck about me.

there’s one guy right now that i’ve kinda been focused on for a lil while but I know it’s not ever going to happen so i’m just like...*shrug emoji*

but like...of all the people i’ve ever liked he’s probably the closest to someone i’d actually be happy with.

and i’ve been struggling with the whole sexual identity thing recently because honestly, i like dudes a lot more than i like the ladies - but I DEFINITELY like some ladies y’all. so like...i’m super attracted to the masculine, but I feel uncomfrotabel with that because I feel like...that’s not allowed?????

idk

Also I’m not sure how I feel about vagina...like...i don’t even like my own so how’m i supposed to like someone elses’sess? 

Fuck

I have a super high libido but like I don’t have “sexual attraction” i think? unless sometimes??? fuckin...

y’all my sexuality has always been a grey space and part of that is because I’m gender fluid but my preferences don’t change with my gender so it’s like super...idk

I should not be doing a text post this far into my cups y’all.

but I got some good music and I got a Big Ass Bottle of wine (BAB) that i’m onlay like...a third thru. and I’m lookin to get CRUNK tonite.

my fucikn disliexia man. i can’t spell for SHIT anymroe.

but i dont’ have to TRY. like...ain’t no one gonna judge me for my spelling and if they do what the fuck ever man. I ain’t got no one to please but myself and I can’t fuckin’ spell.Never done been able to do so in the first place.

I just...

I’m trying to get my shit together and it’s really fuckin hard because I honestly...am not cut out for capitalism. I’m looking at alternative jobs until my dad can hire me on full time because fuckin...i don’t want to be beholden to a fuckin corporation. i just wanna chill and handle my schedule on my time. need to do banking? I can go handle that at any point in the day and not worry about how long my break is. Wanna treat myself to lunch? Fuck yeah, go to lunch and enjoy yourself bitch. Need a haircut? Just do it hunty. 

I just...

I love the experience my current job has given me but i hate hte work. I don’t wan tot do it. how can I work from home and make a reliable amount of money? Maybe I start writing listicles. fuck yeah I coudl do that. 

Mom gave me a super nice compliment last saturday. Apparently I write well when I’m inspired. So like...if I could do that for the rest of my life I totes would because I FUCKIN LOVE writing my thoughts out. y’all i’m so good at it too. 

my glass is empty and i gotta pee...fuck...gimme a second.

...

aiight we back

fuckin...

So when I was younger my favorite bestest memories with my family were my parents and I just sitting down with a hockey game or anything paused on the fuckin tv while we just...sat and goddman...kibitzed. If that’s not a word it is now.

So in order to do the thing now I just turn my music up so I can’t ear anything else on whatever music app I’ve got while I get drunk as fuck and scroll thru the internet and shit.

I can’t fuckin read when I drink (barely can type so like...y’all if you can read this you fuckin amazing and you deserve a hug when I get to see you next) so like i’m limited. plus with the music up I don’t listen to videos I watch so...if I ever reblog a thing that the music is very bad (tm) let me know and I’ll listen to it properly because I probably did not listen.

I just...

fuck i just wanna make out with someone you know? I fuckin love kissing y’all. Kiss me all day long. I’m a fuckin sucker for it. Anyone. doesn’t matter if who you are or what your are or wahtever, I just wanna kiss you. cause like...that’s what I enjoy. no strings, no feelings (unless you want there to be). I haven’t had a proper makeout session in AGES. since I moved from c-burg. and even then that was...relatively not so great because dude could not kiss at ALL. i miss it y’all. i miss kissing so fuckin much. 

And the saddest part of my whole life? i have had so few chances to kiss and make out and fuckin I spent the past four and a half years with someone who didn’t even like it.

I wasted that time when I could ahve been kissing someone who fuckin’ deserved it and wasn’t a self-centered asshole.

cause like..FUCK HIM. He fucked me the fuck over and wants to play the victim. I’m tired of trying to be chill about shit and the bigger person and not slander his fucking name because he fucked me up. I’m fucked the fuck up because of him! I am so screwed and I had some part in the failing of our relationship I don’t want to deminish that fact but frankly I was not the biggest contributer to the bad bits. Frankly I did the most to try and keep that hsit together and he did fuckin NOTHING. 

I’m glad his mother lvoes him because otherwise he’s fuck out of luck y’all. Can’t even take care of his fuckin self. I mean I can’t take care of me neither but like...I’m better at it than he is.

I at least know how to run a household. 

DANCE FLOOR COVER OF I’M WITH YOU HOLY SHIT OKAY MY 13YO SELF IS JUST HAVING A MOMENT OKAY???

but yeah like...i fuckin...bent over goddamn backwards for a grown ass man who couldn’t function further than a 16 yo boy and you know they ain’t got self-sufficiency. I was the younger in the relationship but I was lightyears (yes i know it’s a distance) ahead of him maturity-wise.

is it so wrong to want to be taken care of, for once? I’ve spent my whole life caring for others and caring for myself. can’t someone care for me? just occasionally. id on’t really ask for much. I honestly just want someone to be cuddly with me and care about me. Take care of me when I’m sick like I take care of them when they’re sick. not ignore me, or brush me off when I’m talking, but understand when I’m needing time to myself.

Someone to sit with me and listen to music and drink and have a good time. Watch comedy specials and fun shows that we BOTH like. or at least show some interest in finding out what I enjoy and maybe giving it a try. Do you know how many things I gave up entirely because he wouldn’t enjoy them? so many. mroe than I want to think about.

I jsut...

I changed my life for him and I can’t get what I had back for a very long time and I am so MAD. but like at the same time...fuck him, you know?

like...he doesn’t deserve any emotional energy i’m putting into this. 

And...and the cats? Yeah...talking about that finally was a turning point for me. I’m still really fucked up about it but...I’ll move on. I lived so many years without anyone or anything relying on me and me not relying on anyone. I can do it again. 

Shit I’ve been more comfortable since i movd out. I haven’t even really felt lonely. I just...there are some aspects of a relationship that i miss even though some of them I never had in the first place???

so i’ve been missing them since before I was in a proper relationship? I’m 27 and I haven’t had a partner who gave a shit about me, ever. I have never had anyone have a crush on me and if they have then they apparently didn’t give enough of a shit about that to bring it up. I’ve had crushes on so many people and I’m terrible with secrets so anyone I’ve had a crush on has been told. 

and all of them are in happy healthy relationships. well. or halfway across the globe and I told them at the worst possible itme and I have like 0 chance because he definitely does not give a shit about me outside of frienship. but that’s fine.

it’s not but i’m going to pretend it is because...well...in some ways I’m more comfortable living in my fantasy world where i can maladaptively daydream about shit that will never happen because it’s easier.

anyway...

this has gone on for a lot longer than initially intended and i have no idea what iv’e written but i know it’s laden with typos. sorry abt that.

i love you all and you all are completely and utterly special to me. i hope you have a lovely evening/night/day and i want you to know that i care about you and your health and safety. don’t forget to drink water and get proper amounts of sleep for your situation. i love you <3

[rebecks2]

Believing Truth

July 3,2017

Everyday it’s been a battle for me to read the Bible, and a few weeks ago reading the Bible everyday seemed like something people only did in movies.

A few weeks ago I decided I was going to try and fill my head with the truth. I realized a few lies I had started to believe and I basically freaked out. I started reading in the early morning and at night to get these junk lies out of my head. And after what felt like a few short days of doing this I had like 5 or 6 huge realizations all at once. Truths about myself and about people started to become really obvious to me. I guess I became more objective in the way I saw things. I believe God was merciful, saw that I was trying and through His grace revealed to me those truths. One of the biggest things I realized was that Christians have to get “Saved” twice. The first time, we understand that we are going to heaven because of what Jesus did for us on the cross. The second time we get “Saved” is when we actually understand what it means to live it out. Allow me to elaborate. I had been feeling really guilty about sins I had committed. I didn’t really believe God forgave me for them. I believed God forgave other people. I would always tell everyone “you’re forgiven”, but when it came to believing it myself..I just didn’t. I went to a women’s retreat my church had and while I was there, It started to really hit me. I was talking to someone in tears about my life, telling them how I felt guilty. And that person rebuked me and said “Do you even believe the gospel? You believe it for everyone else but yourself. You have such little faith!” When that person said that, it hit me like a bullet because it was true. That night I laid in bed thinking about how I’d forgive any family member for anything they’d ever do to me, because of how much I love them. I thought about how we humans, forgive people we care about all the time without question. God loves you and I more than we could ever love anybody else. He loves us a million times more than we could ever love anybody. He has forgiven us for sins we haven’t even done yet. I started to cry because I realized God forgave me for everything a long time ago, and I’ve been wasting time by feeling sorry for myself. I had let myself believe a lie and I know the devil had been happy about that. It took faith and trust, but now I live everyday knowing that I am forgiven and that I am free. Nothing I can do could ever make God love me less. He knew beforehand who I would be and He took the decision to send His son to pay for my sins. When I forgive my siblings or parents I don’t want them to live in guilt. I don’t want them to feel like they are in debt to me. I forgave them and that’s the end, life goes on until I have to forgive them again. It’s a cycle… God doesn’t want us to live in shame or guilt. I’m a warrior for Christ and I have stopped self sabotaging myself, in that way at least..

I read this today: If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, Colossians 3:1‭-‬10‭, ‬12

We know this.. don’t sin, do your best, stay close to God so we can shine brightly for him.

And then I read this: For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:14‭-‬17

What hit me was the part that says “From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh.” To me that means that when we look at others we should see others as clean, the way God sees us. I’ve been trying to do this for a few weeks (I learned this a few weeks ago). It’s hard because it’s easier to look at someone and think of all the hurt or bad things they have done to you. But if God who is perfect forgives me, who am I to withhold forgiveness from anyone else? People who judge others don’t get the gospel. God sees you as clean, I see you as clean, and people who truly understand what it means to love Jesus see you as clean too. I used to not read the Bible because I felt like a hypocrite, but you know what?.. The bible was written for hypocrites like me. So you best believe I’ll be reading it.

But when he heard it, he said, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick.  Go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matthew 9:12‭-‬13

I’m still tempted all the time to go back to my old ways of thinking. It’s much easier to judge others and hold grudges, and to live in self pity. Facing the truth of who we really are is hard but it’s a blessing. I see myself as part of God’s army. And I’ve decided to start doing my best. Knowing that my best is all God asks of me. Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth. 2 Timothy 2:15