#also some of my tweet gave out information about my personal life so… | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

allylikethecat · 1 year ago

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i hate inflicting more pain onto him but you do "insecure matty comforted by g" so well, could we get a little snippet on him reacting to all the "twink death" posts on twitter 🥹

HELLO KIND ANON!

Thank you so much for going rogue and just like... sending me a prompt that wasn't on any kind of list. If anyone else wants to just... send me a prompt situation from the depths of their mind I am HERE and READY for it!

This little snippet ended up being 2k words and I'm not totally sure how that happened and I was going to try and cut it down some but then decided that this was my blog so I can do what I want and we are full send posting the entire thing. I'm not sure if this is what you are looking for, but here we are! Also I mean no offense to anyone with this one (Fictional!Matty per the prompt is upset about the Twink Death posts and it sends him spiraling about his relationship with fans and also fictional!George) and I hope you enjoy it! Also I 100% made up the twitter handle and I mean no offense if there is anyone out there with that handle.

Thank you so much and let me know what you think!

❤️Ally

Matty knew he wasn’t supposed to be on Twitter anymore. His therapist had told him so, George had told him so. Social media was a cesspool, it wasn’t real life, and it only ever served to bring him down. Matty knew he had an addictive personality, and a short attention span, so sometimes it felt like social media had been made just for him, projecting colorful, easily digestable, bite size bits of information right to his brain. (Rationally he knew that was the entire point of an algorithm but that didn’t mean it made him feel any less special.)

Scrolling through Twitter was like pressing on a bruise, he couldn’t help but love the sting even though it only hurt him. Whenever he went on Twitter he ended up doom scrolling until he sent himself into a depressive spiral, focusing on all the people who hated him and wanted him to overdose and die, which he then coped with by getting drunk and posting the wrong thing.

Matty knew he wasn’t supposed to be on Twitter anymore, but George was distracted and Matty was too tired to even sleep and apparently a masochist as he settled onto the hotel bed and re-downloaded the app, a white X on a black background instead of the blue bird he had grown to love to hate. He logged in quickly with one of his many burner accounts, a ‘75 fan account that no one had even joking speculated was actually him. A tingling thrill of anticipation moved up his spine, not unlike the buzz he used to feel when he went out to score, as his feed loaded. He quickly glanced over at George guilty, who was still staring intently at his laptop, sitting at the hotel desk, headphones on, working on something. He felt like a little kid with his hand in the cookie jar, just asking to be caught and disciplined.

Confident that George wouldn’t be paying him any mind, at least for a little while, Matty began scrolling. There were fans proclaiming their love for him, and that they wanted to have his babies, invasive fan theories about him and Ross of all people that couldn’t be further from the truth, pictures of Taylor in Brazil, then more pictures of her pretending she gave a rat's arse about football. Sandwiched between a gif of a cat falling off of the counter and a tweet proclaiming Jack Antanoff a chaos gremlin Matty saw it.

He nearly scrolled past the two pictures posted side by side. If he was going to be naughty and looking through twitter, he was going to at least try and avoid too much of his own press, but he couldn’t help but stop. It was a picture of him from 2014, he was on stage, clutching a microphone and a cigarette in the same hand, his pale blue button down half unbuttoned and nearly slipping off his shoulder, his collar bone jutting out razor sharp. His curls were overgrown and unbrushed, falling around his face, a dark curtain he used to desperately hide behind. He had a vague memory of that day, at least he thought it might have been that day. He had been wearing that shirt the first time George kissed him for real. It had been the last time he had worn the shirt as well, the buttons hadn’t survived George’s eager hands.

The other picture was from a few nights ago, a tight gray tee shirt clinging to his chest and biceps, the mustache he had grown back at George’s sheepish request twitched in amusement. He looked so much healthier in the second photo, and he was surprised to see it, surprised to see how stark the contrast was. He was pleased that the fans were seeing it too, that they were seeing how much work he had been putting into himself. He wasn’t hiding behind his hair anymore, hence the shorter curls. He was eating better, he was working out. He was trying not to drink as much, he was trying not to smoke as much. He was, after years of therapy, and a few hospital stays that he was happy never actually made it into the press, and more patience and support from George than Matty was sure he deserved, he was actually doing well. The new combination of medication was helping, even if he didn’t want to admit it.

Then he saw the caption. Twink Death. He blinked. What did they mean, twink death. He was actively taking steps to better himself and healyslut69 was clearly being ridiculous, acting like a piece of him had died. He was the same person, he just wasn’t twenty five and addicted to smack anymore. Not that he had ever been a twink in the first place. He was a manly man, thank you very much. He clicked on the tweet, eager to scroll through the thread and see the replies calling out healyslut69 for being absolutely ridiculous. Twink Death, he scoffed, absolutely ridiculous. That was until he saw that all of the replies were in agreement with healyslut69. They were all mourning his alleged twink death.

He let out a little whine of frustration, then quickly glanced up from his phone to make sure George hadn’t heard him. Thankfully, George was still engrossed in whatever track he was working on, headphones on, clicking away. This is absolutely ridiculous, Matty thought, thumbing away from the thread to go back to his feed. This group of fans didn’t know what they were on about. He frowned as he saw another post relating to the topic, then another, and then another. He swallowed hard. Maybe healyslut69 wasn’t the one that was wrong. Maybe he was.

He scrolled up, finding the original tweet once again. He looked at the two photos, bringing his phone up closer to his face to examine them as if he wasn’t looking at the face he saw in the mirror every morning. Maybe he didn’t look like the same person anymore. Maybe it was more than just getting clean, cutting his hair and gaining at least a stone. Maybe a piece of him really had died. He swallowed hard, his thick smoker’s saliva catching in his throat causing him to cough wetly. At that George did turn his head, lifting one of the headphones away from his ear.

“You ‘right?” George asked, frowning, as he took in the look on Matty’s face.

Matty quickly waved him off. “Yeah, just swallowed wrong,” he said, flashing George a thumbs up.

George frowned but turned back to his laptop anyway and Matty went back to his phone, clicking on the original tweet must have triggered something in his algorithm because he was suddenly bombarded with posts about how much he had changed, how much the fans wanted the “old Matty back” how they wanted to “Make Matty Gay again” as if he wasn’t in a fucking relationship with a man and had been for the past nine years.

The more he read the more the self doubt started creeping in. It was slow at first, and he almost didn’t notice it. It was like frostbite, creeping through his body, overwhelming his senses without him even realizing until it was too late. He pressed the side button to lock his phone and tossed it onto the bed, where it proceeded to slide off the sheets and land on the floor with a clatter. He let out a groan of frustration and self pity, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes. He just couldn’t fucking win.

“Okay,” said George, taking his headphones completely off and spinning around in the swivel chair to look at Matt, quickly glancing at his phone on the floor, then back to Matty. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” said Matty stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest, feeling ridiculous for even being upset that some faceless fan account was mourning his supposed “twink death,” even as his lower lip began to tremble. Fuck Matty though, unable to meet George’s gaze and the loving concern he knew he was going to see painted across his face. He was going to start crying. He froze, feeling like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over his head. What if George didn’t find him as attractive anymore, what if George missed how he used to look, all skinny and delicate, with long messy hair, sucking on a cigarette instead of eating breakfast, lunch or dinner.

What if that was why their sex life had gotten less active as they got older. They still had plenty of sex, and Matty had always been satisfied, but what if that was the reason the shirt destroying urgency was gone, what if that was why George wasn’t tossing him onto the nearest surface at every opportunity anymore. Matty had thought they were just getting older, maturing, leveling out, but what if George just wasn’t as attracted to him anymore?! What if that was why George had wanted him to grow the mustache, what if he was trying to find some new way to make sleeping with him less of a chore.

Matty couldn’t help it, he looked up, at kind, sweet, understanding and supportive George, who forced himself to fuck him even though he wasn’t attracted to him anymore, and instantly burst into the tears he had been fighting.

George blinked in surprise, clearly he hadn’t been expecting that. He stood up, closing the distance between them as he sat down next to Matty on the bed, carefully pulling him into his arms even as Matty kept his hands pressed to his face.

“What’s wrong, love,” said George softly, rubbing a large hand in careful circles against Matty’s back. “Did something happen? Is your family okay?”

Guilt burned in Matty’s stomach, as he pressed his hand to his mouth as if he could push all the upset back inside of his chest, as if he could swallow it back down to his belly where it belonged.

“They’re fine,” Matty said with a hiccup, “I’m fine, sorry, fuck, I’m fine,” he rubbed at his eyes, even as his breath hitched, “you can get back to work, I’m fine.”

“Matthew,” said George softly, pulling Matty’s hands away from his face. “Something is clearly wrong, what can I do to help?”

George’s kindness just made Matty cry harder, burying his face in George’s shoulder. He knew he was being extremely dramatic and over the top right now, crying because some fans on the internet were mourning his alleged “twink death” was ridiculous even for him. But it wasn’t just about the fans on the internet, it was hundreds of little things he had pushed down until he just couldn’t take it anymore and it all boiled over. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be famous anymore, he wasn’t sure he ever had.

It was the fans that seemed to hate him always criticizing his outfit choices, the ones complaining about the set lists he painstakingly put together, the ones who complained that he didn’t talk enough during gigs, and the ones who complained when he did. It was the fans, and not fans, that took every word he had ever spoken ever, and twisted it round in circles until it didn’t even make sense anymore. It was the ones accusing him of being the worst person alive. It was the ones wishing death upon him and his loved ones. It was the way that no matter what he did, no matter how much of himself he gave to the masses, it was never enough and never what they wanted. He was just so fucking tired, and seeing that tweet broke something inside of him in a way that he hadn’t been expecting. It filled him with even more self loathing and doubt, why had he even bothered to get clean, why had he even bothered to try and get healthy, everyone liked him better strung out anyway it seemed.

“Just some dumb fans on the internet,” said Matty quietly, trying to get his breathing under control, George was still rubbing his back soothingly.

“Matty,” said George sadly, his heart breaking. He wasn’t going to address the fact that they both already knew Matty wasn’t supposed to be looking at Twitter.

“Do you,” said Matty, pulling away slightly, needing to hear the words straight from George’s mouth, needing to rip the bandaid off. If George didn’t like him like this he would figure it out. He’d lose the weight again, he’d grow out his hair. “Do you,” he swallowed hard, “do you still like me?”

“What kind of absolute bullshit question is that?” George asked, “of course I like you Matty, I fucking love you.”

Matty swallowed again, weighing his words. “Are you, are you still attracted to me?”

“Jesus Christ Matty,” said George, “what is this about? Yes I’m very much still attracted to you, always have been and always will be.”

“Even though I’m not as,” Matty could bring himself to say the word, “delicate anymore?” he asked instead.

“What do you mean?” George asked not following along. Matty sighed and pulled away from George’s arms, leaning over the side of the bed to retrieve his phone. He unlocked it, keeping his eyes down cast as he handed it to George.

George frowned, looking over the tweet, a crinkle forming between his eyebrows. He relocked Matty’s phone without saying a word and reached over to set it on the nightstand.

“I,” said George leaning in and pushing Matty onto his back so he could hover over him. “Love you.” He kissed Matty’s deeply, licking into his mouth, before nipping lightly on his lower lip. “And I will always love you and think you’re the sexiest man alive.”

“Even though I’m not a twink anymore?” Matty couldn’t help but ask even as he felt George’s erection digging into his thigh.

George snorted. “If anything, it’s even hotter that I don’t have to worry about hurting you.”

Matty couldn’t help the grin that broke out across his face, and George couldn’t help but kiss it away.

#allylikethecat #ask ally #anon ask #fanfiction #keep it kind #matty fic #gatty #this one got away from me a little bit #and its so long i actually decided to be a grown up and use the read more function on tumblr lol #probably should have just put it on ao3 #but thats okay its here #but its funny because the last one i should have put on ao3 i should have put on tumblr lol #ALSO just want it to be clear #i absolutely adore writing fictional!matty and fictional!george together #and will continue to do so #BUT i am very aware that its just fiction #and i am so irrationally overly happy that irl george and charli are engaged #like i feel like my friends just got engaged i am so happy for them #that's why this is fanFICTION #emphasis on fiction #its all fake and for my own amusement #no part of me thinks its real #even if it is sometimes inspired by real events #anyway i hope you like it lol #prompt fill #prompt fills

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milllies · 2 years ago

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Good day or night everyone!

I really don't understand how people can think that Midleven can be canon when they lose on all fronts.

1. Love actors

Yes, actors do not always need to be listened to, because they are told that they must answer certain questions and it is very important for Duffers that unnecessary information does not leak into the network, but by their reaction you can see how they feel about certain pairings. I think you've all seen those interviews, but the conversation where they were talking about how the ending of Stranger Things was similar to the ending of Shitts Creek. Let me remind you that it ended with the wedding of a same-sex couple. I advise you to look at your leisure) The faces of David and Finn when they said that Will wants to spend his life with Mike in the basement playing D&D. Also, the serious attitude of other actors towards the byler, they don’t joke, they don’t condemn, they don’t laugh, but they say that their love is beautiful and all that. By the way, it’s very strange that they don’t talk about them a lot, that is, it would be it is logical to mention the other side of the triangle and say that Will's feelings are unrequited, but Mike will still be on his side and all that, instead we get Finn's words that Mike will accept this and understand (though he will understand himself too)).

2. Marketing

Things have recently been released with a picture logo on them, would they release a collection with a picture that is not needed and will not matter in the Mike and Will arc, and also if the feelings are unrequited and our boy is rejected. Seriously? This is very strange, given the type of thinking of the Duffers and their love of logic in everything.

3. The goals of the characters

For El, the goal of her entire journey was to find family and friends, she began dating someone before she knew what relationships and romantic love were. Her ideas about love are made up of soap operas that she watched on TV and thought that this is how love should look, and then she started projecting it onto Mike and nothing good came of it.

For Mike, acceptance was the goal. That is, starting from the end of season 2, Michael realized that he was in love with Will (his view of the ball and the state Dustin was also in because of Lucas and Max). Due to the homophobia that was developed in the 80s, Michael was unable to accept his feelings in season 3, but he had to do it at the very end, when El kissed him and it was clear that he did not feel anything and was in confusion.

Will's goal was to forgive himself. He was able to get used to and accept what he tried to reject all the time, but his arch in is not yet closed and will not be until Mike's confession.

4. Tips of the creators.

There are a lot of them, the entire twitter dedicated to the series consists of them, but I want to show my favorite tweet:

5. Lies and everything else

We all know about the lies in Michael's monologue, because El did not find any memories on any of his words, except for a T-shirt, and it was disgusting and painful for her to hear Mike's "confession", because it was Will who suggested this to him. She heard it. She's not stupid. You know, it hurts so much when you try to knock out a declaration of love for 3 years, and another person succeeds at the snap of his fingers. In an instant, he gets what was not available to you.

Will and Michael used the name El to talk about each other because, Mike, everyone knows she's special, you're not the first to discover this, but the first to see things in Will that you didn't see in anyone else. He's special to you, right? Some of his words were really about El, but such a lie is immediately visible, because it refutes what was in the series)

And this is the minimum that I can call, midlevel is not created to be canon, because they do not have the foundation that they gave to Will and Mike, they are the prototype of typical lovers who think that their feelings are not mutual.

Most likely it turned out to be confusion, but these are just my thoughts on this matter

#byler #will byers #el hopper #mike wheeler

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fish3s · 1 year ago

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some explanations and amendments about the neil gaiman situation. this is the last i’ll say about it because i literally do not have the mental capacity to talk about it anymore without melting down. hope this is clear enough as english is my 3rd language.

text below the cut

these are the events as they happened:

1. i saw a post accusing neil gaiman of being a zionist apropos of nothing; seeing countless other posts baselessly accusing other jewish people in the public eye of zionism, i assumed it was simply because he was jewish. that was wrong, and for that i am sorry.

2. i was informed of a tweet neil gaiman made in 2015 where he said: “I think Israel has the right to exist. I think Palestine needs to be a country, or Palestinians need full Israeli citizenship.”

3. i wrongly interpreted the meaning as “i think israeli citizens have the right to live. i think palestine needs to be a country. or palestinians need full israeli citizenship.” right off the bat i disagreed with the last sentence, because palestinians should not need a permit to be in their land, and i voiced this. because the first two sentences were so short and vague, i gave him the benefit of the doubt (saying he echoes “very dully” the UN’s statement from 1948) with the hope that he would explain himself about the first two sentences, and own up to the second. i gave him this benefit of the doubt because it’s been 8 years since he tweeted that, and yes, because i wanted to believe he has been educated since then. i was wrong to do that, and if i had known he didn’t, i would never have tweeted any of it in the first place.

4. at this point the original tweet was at about 25.5K likes, having gone WAY outside my twitter bubble and having reached people who haven’t even heard of neil gaiman. these people, along with others, started qrting and calling me awful things. among those qrts there were people who were trying to explain where i was wrong, and i would’ve sought them out if it didn’t mean sifting through all the tweets telling me to go fuck myself in varying degrees of graphic language.

5. people have found a tweet i made in 2021 about supporting the two state solution and decided i must still believe it today. all the local palestinian organizations i have interacted with at that point advocated for this or a similar solution in their core beliefs, though reading online since then, i found it’s not a consensus and have advocated for the full liberation of palestine since, because i also learn and grow.

6. people helped themselves to my tumblr asks, where i got bombarded with anonymous asks telling me how awful i am and in graphic detail how i should kill myself, threatening violence, and threatening to kill me. as a person with cptsd-related paranoia, this was so distressful to read that i had to take a tranquilizer to be able to close my eyes and go to sleep. in a paranoid person’s mind, these threats become an actual danger, and they were coming in en masse in my inbox.

7. neil gaiman reasserted on tumblr that he has not changed his mind.

8. people started spreading the tweet around on tumblr, assuming malicious intent from me and twisting my words to mean something i never said or meant. assuming all of this went down after neil gaiman said his beliefs remained the same. people spoke about me with the confidence of someone who knows me, despite not knowing anything about my life or the advocacy i’ve done for palestinian human rights organizations here, in real life, marching and protesting with them weekly, sometimes risking arrest or police violence as i did, because i care about palestinian rights and i always will, regardless of what internet randos have to say about it. and i will continue to go to protests and to donate to those organizations because i feel it is my responsibility to do so, and i’ve felt that way since before this war, this tweet, and certainly before people decided i must be a terrible human being on tumblr, and i will always feel that way.

now add step 0:

0. i had the misfortune to be born in israel as an israeli citizen. i grew up swamped with misinformation and fed propaganda at school. i worked very hard to leave that indoctrination behind — but sometimes i still fuck up.

sometimes i still fall for fake news crafted deliberately by israel’s hasbara (propaganda) office, sometimes i don’t know what’s true, and sometimes i hope that — like me — people with flawed beliefs can change.

add to that the immense stress of living in an active warzone, having to see people be cruel and sometimes straight up lie about me on the internet while i’m hiding in the missile shelter in terror.

or when there isn’t a missile alert and i have a few moments of quiet for myself in my bedroom and not huddled with the rest of my family in a small room, and i open up my tumblr or twitter, who’ve provided escapism for me during this war, and i have to feel terrified for my safety again because i’ve gotten graphic death threats from a brave anonymous soul on tumblr and the cptsd i developed through so many wars (yes, israeli citizens have it, too, because we are also put in danger by our criminal government) makes it feel like i am again put in a life threatening situation.

i am begging all of you who don’t know what it’s like to be in a war, who don’t know how much it takes out of you, who don’t know the bizarre ways in which your body and mind cope with being in a long-lasting danger, to please consider your words when you’re talking to or about a mentally ill person who cannot close twitter to avoid the war. who cannot defend themselves from every accusation, legitimate or otherwise, because they’re conserving their energy just to brush their teeth or run to the bunker when necessary. a person who’s been advocating for palestine for years, who’s been vocal enough about it to be kicked out of creative writing groups and local queer spaces, and yes, who’s been very vocal about it online as well, even when there wasn’t an active war going on.

i am truly sorry for painting a false picture with my tweet. i am just as disappointed by the neil news as the next person. and it is news for me as well. i am sorry for not being able to reply to the good faith criticisms i received, if i had the mental capacity to do it well i would, historically i have done so. i am especially sorry to the palestinians whom i hurt without meaning to.

but i do not deserve death threats, and i do not deserve to have my words intentionally misconstrued. it’s not about me. it’s not about neil gaiman. there’s a genocide happening in gaza at the moment, being carried out by the israeli government. if you’re a westerner perhaps divert your anger towards that, instead of lashing out at someone — who fucked up, who is owning up to it — who is more physically affected by this war than you, who’s been living in nonstop terror for two weeks, who’s had the only source of comfort in their life at the moment stripped away from them.

and i would like to thank the people who have done that, who asked for my well-being and cared enough about me to offer some compassion my way that they absolutely didn’t have to offer, despite me royally fucking up, when everything else is just distress. when so many anons tell you to kill yourself, every one of these positive messages is a light in the darkness.

sorry and thanks for reading. i’ll be keeping to myself for a bit. please listen to palestinians.

#i dont have the ability to keep talking about this but people who’ve never even heard about any of this are beginning to circulate it around #so here i am clearing things up for good and im not going to talk about this anymore. if you saw what was in my inbox the last few days it #would be enough to traumatize you without having to see it while going through a motherfucking war. so there #this is all the information start to finish #not art

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danicahija · 5 years ago

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Morals

2020, April 2

There are times in your life that you don't want to talk about. There are moments in your life that you don't want them to be informed. Moments that you just want to hide and play dead from their eyes. It's alright, that's okay. They will think that you don't care about anything, that you don't know anything that's been hyping around anymre, but no, it's never like that. You could be thinking about sharing your thoughts and then it will end up you having an anxiety about it.

And it's okay too. There are times that you just wanted to be you, alone in your own element. Getting away from toxic conversations that bothers the hell out of you, having a life outside tweets and trends. I will tell you it's not easy, making friends with them and shutting back your doors at the same time. Then they'll start wondering about you, and that annoys you.

Growing up switching places and traveling away after staying for a long years, abandoning those who once have me, and made me, hurts. They gave me their stories, their minds and incomparable friendship. Sometimes I don't know what to do next after leaving them, shall we begin again? or the best question for that is; can I begin again? Life fucks us. We win some, we lose some and I will go for not competing anymore. I've met my persons already, purest ones. That's when you realize you have had enough. It doesn't matter who or which president embarrassed other, what corrupts do outside the jail or who manipulates whom. We're all involved, I know and I get it.

And also, I get that my mind has so many qualities that doesn't fit on some media platforms that others were having. I can't be in a place where people are either reacting to their own judgemental acts or swearing at each others disappointments, or anything worser. My mind can't stand it.

This letter is to emphasize that stepping outside the mouths of most people doesn't mean we have no care at all. Sometimes it means we're quiet because we chose to. We all have mouths, we all talk and stands for what we believe is right. Then we all have this choices, that is when the famous line "our choices doesn't have to do with your own" comes to its meaning. I stand with the choices I make and for who I want to be during tough times, I stand with what I allow myself to be involved with. I depend to speak on situations I chose, and those situations are not for others to decide. So for all those who are bragging about us being this quiet and unbothered cold chameleon, you don't know how we careless about anything, so stay pressed. Neutrality isn't overrated. Morality is.

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hawatson · 3 years ago

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I hate being sick because I tend to get flashbacks when I’m sick. I need to stick by my partner’s morals because if I don’t I might walk out the front door of the house and do something my partner would never be okay with.

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dnpsuck · 2 years ago

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(different anon) i do want your opinion on the john mulaney divorce drama actually. i may even agree

i have a loooooot to say about this and it’s not at all popular so it’s under the cut and it’s long lmao cw: nuance

my opinion is that the treatment he received after he left rehab and filed for divorce shows that we don't care about drug addicts at all. literally i once saw a tiktok that made my blood boil because they listed "is a drug addict" as a reason to hate him and... how dense can you be? addiction isn't a personality trait or a quirk, it's a fucking disease that could still kill him if he ever relapses again.

his life was never as publicized and torn apart as it was the minute he left rehab (and yet somehow people still managed to get so many things wrong?), there were tweets and tiktoks spewing all kinds of hateful things about him right after he received treatment for his relapse. also people started coming up with extremely invasive speculation and rumors (that may or may not be true but that's not the point here) and accusing him of things none of the people involved accused him of and still doubling down on their hate for him when... most things actually back the timeline john himself gave us?

around oct-dec 2020 (or even earlier) a much smaller, but super invasive, group of people in the john fandom were already aware of their separation because they were never spotted together anymore and anna fully stopped using 'mulaney' as her last name way before we knew john was in rehab (as well as people with information from "sources" etc but that's too deuxmoi-y for my taste). then john left rehab in february 2021 and decided to divorce - and y'know how in rehab people are encouraged to get out of situations and relationships that can lead them to another relapse? and then he left rehab and immediately chose divorce? what's. not. clicking.

but, anyway, the divorce news only came out around may, almost at the same time as the news about olivia and because of this timing some people to this day still believe that it all happened on the same week when in reality he and anna had not been together for like. half a year lmao

and i love anna. i'm not in any way saying she's in the wrong in this situation, she went through a shitty divorce, after a shitty year and unfortunately her ex-husband moved on really fast, and because of exaggerated public attention, he also moved on REALLY publicly, and that's fucking shitty. i felt awful for her because of course i didn't want that to happen for them, i loved john and anna together, i genuinely believe they’d be together forever and obviously i was disappointed by the news.

but the thing is... divorce happens. life in 2020 was tough on everybody, people were forced to be confined and everything was put to the test, and a relationship with an addict is difficult as is; now add the weight of a global pandemic and everything else? it's chaos. survival of the fittest and they weren’t the fittest regardless of what people imagined of them.

and we don't even know if it was the relapse leading to the divorce or the divorce leading to the relapse but it was definitely a year that put their relationship to the test and they fucking failed. people who love each other still get divorced. and they can be individually really good people who genuinely loved each other but even then relationships can become bad and if divorce seemed like the solution for the guy that needed to do something about his life in order to not relapse on cocaine again then... i'm glad he chose what was best for him.

but then you go on tiktok and there were hundreds of people who watched 2 john mulaney specials and read deuxmoi like the bible and they were saying shit like "anna got me in the divorce!!!" and doing the most to have the cleverest joke or make the best disappointed face for a few likes and it was genuinely draining. because even if the timeline he offered was 100% false and he did cheat on anna with olivia and all the other awful things he was senselessly accused of (again all anna officially said about the divorce is that she was heartbroken that he decided to end their marriage but wished him well etc), even if he did all of that, the lack of care in the way people talked about him in the first year of his recovery is just fucking cruel.

i’m not saying everyone should’ve babied him and been like “uwu love u mr mulaney you’ve never done anything wrong ever” but on the simple basis that the guy was in recovery for a cocaine addiction, after being sober for well over a decade (for context: anna met him years after he got clean), ideally people would’ve just backed off and let the guy live his life as best as he could. even if he did things i personally wouldn’t have done in my recovery lol

and i wish anna had been left alone too - i love that she got recognition with her work because she’s very talented and dinner in march + the december 2021 version of dinner in march are fucking beautiful (the dec one is my favorite). but it’s sad that most of the people that are paying attention to her art, even now, almost 2 years later, are only doing that because they wanna diss her ex-husband. and if you’re only admiring anna’s work to find clues of john in it, then she’s not the one that got you in the divorce after all.

the other day i saw a tiktok edit of anna to some sad music with the caption like “omg it’s her song 😥” and it’s... genuinely so sad that if these are the people that are gonna be promoting her work to new audiences, she’s always gonna be tied to her ex-husband. she’s always gonna be introduced through this kind of really pathetic lens instead of having her actual work be the selling point (and her work is fantastic when you see the art itself and not the comedian she used to be married to). they’re basically dooming and reducing her to this divorce.

just leave these people alone. they’re grown adults trying to live their private lives after shitty years. if u wanna laugh at funny jokes, go do that. if u wanna look at art and photography about loss and whatnot, go do that too. stop acting like divorce is some sort of moral issue in the fucking 2020s. move on.

anyway, i know i’m biased and i'd been following john, his career and whatever he shared of his life since 2013-14, but more than a bias, it definitely makes me more sensible to the fact that john could still relapse again, and it could be fatal, and he has a lot at stake now (a whole child). so i do believe his well-being is a bigger priority than how upset i was about john and anna’s marriage ending.

he’d talked so much about his addiction and alcohol issues, which started when he was basically a kid, in his stand-up, in interviews, on podcasts, etc., and how drugs and alcohol made him a terrible person and how much work he’s had to put into controlling his urges with substances etc, and i remember him saying in some podcast (before the 2020 relapse) that he realized he needed help with his addictions when he looked at himself from an outside perspective and realized "oh i'm not rooting for that guy anymore" and then he relapses again, gets the help he needs and as soon as he's out, people decide that divorce is absolutely unacceptable and say "we're not rooting for this guy anymore" and it's like lol. nice priorities y'all got there. but anyway. i’m glad he managed to get by

TLDR; his divorce was a normal thing that happens to like 50% of marriages, and it was all blown out of proportion because of unhealthy attachments to celebrities (which i am definitely at a fault here but at least i do my best to have my facts right). people prioritized taking sides on a divorce they were not a part of and making annoying tiktoks with baseless speculation for clout instead of letting a recovering addict just recover, or letting a recent divorcee just move on

with all of that said, the most disappointing thing about john after rehab was the thing with chappelle. it was fucking embarrassing and truly unnecessary, and it’s what made me take a step back from stanning. still wishing him well

#addiction cw #drugs cw #alcoholism cw #lola.ask

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tearsof-scarlet · 4 years ago

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One Way or Another (yandere!Dabi x f!Reader)

Pairing: Yandere!Dabi x f!Reader, Hawks x f!Reader

Synopsis: Being a doctor at the hero hospital is stressful enough. However, what happens when your beloved friend Hawks begins to take a liking to you? And what if he isn’t the only one who has his eye on you? An evil Dabi starts to fall for you immensely after one dark night. Nothing can hold him back from his urge to have you.

Part 1 / ?

Words: 3.5k

Warning: This story will eventually have mentions of stalking, violence, gore, language, and hard smut. Viewer’s discretion is advised.

________________________________________________________________

The sounds of birds tweeting filled your ears. Today your bed seemed just that more comfortable as the sunlight dripped though your curtains. The sound of the traffic in your city was at a minimum as you sighed into your pillow. Finally, a day off from work. This week had kicked your ass hard. Your job at the Hero hospital was a privilege and a burden. While you were one of a very small group who could treat and aid the top heroes, it was a very stressful job. The hours weren’t exactly nine to five and some nights you were heading home with your head low in complete exhaustion. However, you still loved your job. You had a great sense of pride knowing that you could give back to the heroes who protected you and everyone around you.

But today is your day off. You knew how to separate your job and your personal life. You lay in bed thinking of what you planned to do with your free time. Your kitchen could do with a cleaning, but the idea of sitting on the couch watching bad reality television sounded more appeasing to you. You smiled into your pillow, finally a day to relax and do absolutely nothing.

Then your phone buzzed.

You opened one eye to see your boss’ caller ID on your screen. You grabbed the phone from your nightstand and reluctantly answered. Before you could even say hello, the sound of your boss yelling over the phone broke the silence in your room.

"_______ get in here now we need you!"

With your shoelaces undone and a piece of toast in your mouth, you dashed outside of your apartment with your work bag tossed on your back. Your boss informed you of a villain attack in the city centre which caused some heroes to be injured. Fire injuries were your specialty, so you were called immediately. Your legs were running to the train station, hoping not to miss the train to the hospital and having to wait another ten minutes for the next train.

While you were fixing your tie around your neck, your eyes caught sight of a small red object flying across in front of you. After a small moment of confusion, you heard the sound of wings flapping behind you and immediately knew who it was.

"Hey hey hey, didn’t know you were into running these days ______?"

You scoffed, swallowing the last bit of your toast as you dodged hitting into a random person in the street.

"Not now Hawks" You yelled up at him. "I’m running late."

Hawks. Number 2 Hero. You both met each other when he had only just graduated from this hero training. He survived a nasty attack from a villain, resulting in his feathers being pretty damaged. You were the one who took care of him and patched him up. He was in the hospital for two days straight and most of that time was spent with you monitoring his health. His determination to become a top hero and his snarky charisma allow you two to immediately have a connection. After he was discharged, he still kept in contact with you and now he could consider you one of his closest friends. Till this day, he is forever grateful for you helping him, but these days teasing you seems more fun to him.

The man was now gliding alongside you, clearly mocking your lack of speed.

"Why am I not surprised?" He chuckled, eyeing you.

You sent him a stern glare. Unfortunately, you could not argue with him and run at the same time without losing your breath.

"You know, sweetheart, the train is about to leave in a minute, and unless you just gained a speed quirk, chances are you're not going to make it," he teased.

You held your tongue at his words. When you first told him you didn’t have a quirk, he thought you were joking and laughed in your face. Needless to say, you weren’t too happy about that. So whenever he sees the chance, he always enjoys pointing it out.

Hawks continued to fly beside you, now sighing and crossing his arms behind his head.

"Only if you knew someone who could get you to the hospital in time." He groaned.

He raised his eyebrow at you. You knew what he was trying to imply. Your stomach immediately started to do flips at the thought of it. You hated heights and Hawks knew this about you. But he also knows about how much your work matters to you.

You eyed your watch on your wrist, already you were ten minutes late. You glanced down to see Hawks’ red feathers tying your shoelaces. You finally stopped running and stood trying to catch your breath. You ignored the rational thoughts in your head and returned back to glare at Hawks.

"I swear Hawks if you do anything funny." You sneered at him.

His face immediately lit up with glee and a smirk spread across his face.

"Trust me _____. It will be like floating on a cloud. " He reassured you by putting his hand on his heart.

"Just don’t throw up on me again." He hushed quickly.

Before you even had time to swear at him, he whooshed behind you and lifted you up in his arms. You immediately let out a squeak in fear, earning a laugh from Hawks. Your hands gripped his neck and your body tensed up as you both started to rise to the sky. You both were now above the skyscrapers and the whole city seemed so small. It was truly breath taking and you wondered if Hawks ever just spent his days looking down at the city.

You cast a quick glance down at the people who had turned into ants. Your stomach dropped and you turned your face into hawks’ chest for the rest of the journey to avoid throwing up.

"You can look up now doll."

You cranked your head to see if Hawks was telling the truth. You were relieved to see that his feet were touching the ground. He had landed on the hospital roof, a perfect spot.

"Nice landing" you jerked at him.

"You’re welcome Miss." He said, rolling his eyes.

You hopped out of his arms and stood attempting to fix yourself up before you entered the hospital. You could tell the wind messed up your hair quite a bit.

"You look fine ____."

Now you were the one to roll your eyes. Last time he said that you walked into your meeting with your lipstick smeared across your face.

"Shouldn’t you have been helping save your colleagues from that villain attack?"

"Had to make sure my _____ was safe first." Hawks was always skilled at avoiding questions he didn’t want to answer. You chalked it up to his media training.

You made your way to the door leading down to the hospital as soon as you felt you had put yourself together decently. Hawks' mouth dropped at your actions. He flew to block the door to prevent you from leaving.

"Nothing else you want to say?" He pestered at you. "No thank you, hawks or hawks; you are my hero; you are incredible?"

He really made a poor impression of you.

"Thank you, Hawks. Now shove it. " You snapped thinking of the time you are wasting with him up here. Your words, however, did not convince the young hero.

"How about takeaway and a movie at your place?" He questioned.

"Did you just invite yourself over to my place?" You sneered at him; your arms now crossed.

"Is it a deal?" He spoke. You were beginning to realise that there was no way hawks was going to let you though unless you said yes. You both haven’t done anything together in a while, you thought to yourself.

"Deal." You nodded.

Hawks’ feathers fluttered and he busted into a sing-song voice.

"Perfect! I’ll buy the food and you can pick the movie. Bye _____! " He yelled, tossing himself over the building as he flew away into the clouds.

Your mouth dropped at how he was able to make you agree to invite him over to your house within a minute. You sighed, rolling your eyes as you pushed the door open to enter the hospital.

As you entered your unit of the hospital, your boss was stood there waiting for you and your co-workers busily hurrying around.

"Look who finally decided to turn up."

You did your best not to glare at him. You apologised profusely about being late to him and how it wouldn’t happen again.

"I heard she was seen with her boyfriend Hawks" A staff member piped up with a sneer.

You cringed at her words and her attempt to cause drama in front of your boss. Hawks is many things, but your boyfriend is definitely not one of them.

"He is not my boyfriend. He was helping me to work. " You defended yourself.

"I don’t want to hear anymore of the bird boy. Get working now _____. " Your boss yelled.

You gave a low nod and immediately jumped into work, making your way over to your first patient.

_______________________________________________________________

When you actually finished with the last patient, you had no idea what time it was. You gathered your belongings and exited the building, only to find the city engulfed in darkness. You sighed, your shoulders heavy from fatigue. The thought of a relaxing bath and a comfortable bed appealed to you. You checked your phone to find that the train station had closed long ago. Your eyes darted across the street for a taxi, but you had no luck. Walking it was, you thought.

You tried your best to stick to bright lit areas of the city. It was one of the disadvantages of being quirkless, you were practically defenceless. If a villain wanted to kill you, they would have no problem with doing it. That is why you prefer to work behind the scenes helping the heroes rather than being at the front of the violence.

Your walking stopped as you reached an alleyway. You debated or not if you should enter it. If you stuck to the bright areas, you wouldn’t reach your apartment for another fifteen minutes. However, if you went down this dark alleyway it would only take you five minutes. You stood listening for any noise to indicate if there was anyone down the dark path. After standing in silence, you made the decision to chance it. You took a breath and made your way down the narrow street.

All was well and you finally started to calm down as you walked. You thought of what leftovers you had in your fridge to eat when you heard the noise of glass breaking behind you. Your blood turned to ice as your body froze into place. When you looked to the source of the racket, a single drop of sweat ran down your brow.

A man with his head hanging low sat beside one of the big trash bins. You quickly realised the man wasn't all there when he didn't acknowledge you as you walked by. Your brain was screaming at you to keep walking. Your heart and morals, on the other hand, told you to check on the man's safety. You bit your lower lip, carefully weighing your options. Your morals came out on top.

"Sir?" you asked.

You were met with silence since the man did not respond. As you got closer, it became clear that the man was in pain. When you were within arm’s reach, you cautiously put your hand on the individual's neck to check for a pulse. Fortunately, it was at a consistent rate. You now knelt beside him. You tapped his shoulder lightly. Finally, the man let out a groan. You breathed a sigh of relief.

You gently pushed his head back, allowing you to see his face in the moonlight. You immediately noticed the faulty stitching and staples all around his face and body. The damaged deep purpled skin contrasted sharply with his pale skin. His eyelids hung low, but the brightness of the moon resulted in the stranger opening his eyes halfway. You were almost in shock at his bright blue eyes as they stared into yours.

"Am I dreaming?" He mumbled painfully.

You shook your head as you examined his body.

"What is the problem sir?" You questioned.

He sent a sly grin at you. Your concern was able to amuse the man. His finger weakly pointed at his opposite arm. One of the stitches on his arm had obviously ripped open and blood was steadily pouring out and onto the dirty ground.

You stared at the wound for a moment and considered if he needed to be taken to the hospital.

Almost as if he were reading your mind, he said, "No hospitals."

You chose not to question him and began to act on your feet. You removed your bag from your back and pulled out your first aid kit and some tools you used at work. You began to place a thread into your incision needle and prepared the medical stapler for use.

You could sense his apprehensiveness as he eyed your needle.

"Trust me sir, I’m a doctor." You explained to him.

"You'd better cut the sir crap; you're making me feel like an old man." He laughed lightly,

Feeling like you were getting somewhere with him, you continued the conversation.

"Do you have a name?" You asked, hoping to distract him from the pain about to happen.

The man had a slight hesitation as his name fell from his mouth.

"Dabi."

You placed some hydrogen peroxide onto a cotton ball as you continued to talk to him.

"You have a lovely name, Dabi."

"I bet you say that to all your patients."

You smiled at his words and you placed the cotton on his wound. He immediately tensed up and hissed in pain as the alcohol did its job.

"I can promise you I don’t, Dabi." His name fell off your lips with such ease.

After you felt the wound was disinfected, you grabbed the needle and began to stitch his skin together. Dabi was now sat up straight admiring your concentration with the needle. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had cared for him like this.

"Did you get caught up in that villain attack this morning? “You asked him.

Dabi's mouth turned into a smirk, "I guess you can say I was."

"I bet it was scary," you said.

Dabi raised his eyebrow at you. "Do I look like the sort of person who gets scared?"

You took your attention from his wound and looked at his unamused face. You giggled slightly at his expression.

"You can tell me. I promise I won’t tell anyone. " You teased him.

He chuckled at your humour. You really did do a good job at distracting him from the pain.

"Those villains are pieces of shit, aren’t they?" He said, hoping for your opinion.

As you took the stapler in your hand, you moved on to the staples of the wound.

"Hmm, I don’t know if I would say that." You mentioned focusing on placing the stapler in the right position on his skin.

"What? You side with the League of Villains? " Dabi pried at you, staring at you with interest.

"Not exactly." You explained, "I believe a lot of the villains didn’t exactly have a choice of which side they wanted to be on. Also, working with Heroes, you begin to see that quirks determine what society thinks of you. If you don’t have a quirk, then you must be useless. If you have a dangerous quirk, then you are destined to be a villain. I find it all very frustrating if I am honest. "

Dabi listened intently to your rambling. It was nice to see someone agree with some of his opinions. You were obviously very intelligent. As you continued to work on his arm, he made note of your face and its beauty.

As you had just finished the last staple, you asked him, "Did you patch your skin up yourself?"

"Yeah, I did. I prefer to do it my own way because the majority of my skin is brunt to a crisp.” He explained.

"You have a fire quirk?"

He nodded as your eyes moved across his body to look at his skin. Your eyes finally meet his face. Without even thinking, you reached your hand out to cup in check and brushed your thumb along the staples in his face.

Dabi let out a small gasp. It had been a while since someone had touched him. You finally realised what you did and immediately yanked your hand away from him and stood up, hoping he wouldn’t see you blush in embarrassment.

"I’m really sorry Dabi" you said, putting your face in your hand, "I’ve just never seen anyone with a fire quirk like this."

He smiled at your embarrassment.

"Don’t worry. There is no need to be sorry. I didn’t mind it. " He reassured you.

You sighed and reached a hand out to help him up off the ground.

As he towered over your frame, you suddenly realised how tall he was in comparison to you. As soon as you realised your work was done, you let his hand out of yours.

"Well Dabi" you said, "I guess I better be heading home."

"Thank you" was all he said.

While your arms hugged you around your stomach, his deep blue gaze on you made you feel even more insecure.

"Are you going to be okay?" You asked him.

A small smile was on his face.

"Don’t worry about me."

You nodded to let him know you understood.

"Then I better go." You said, turning away from him.

Before Dabi could open his mouth to say anything to you, a black car drove into the alleyway with a large honk of its horn. The tinted window rolled down the slightest bit and a voice called out Dabi’s name.

"That’s my ride," Dabi explained.

He didn't want to abandon you in the dark, but he also knew that you getting into the car would be impossible.

"Well take care Dabi", You said your last words and turned the corner away from him and the car.

You knew that it wouldn’t have been a good idea if you stayed any longer. You did your duty and left without anything else occurring. You had visions of the man’s blue eyes and face. You could tell from his body and face he was probably conventionally attractive before his burn scars. You ignored the flutters you had in your stomach as you took the stairs up to your apartment floor.

After entering the code to your apartment, you quickly tossed your bag to the floor and threw your jacket off. You sighed with relief to finally be home alone. Peace and quiet was the thing you needed after your long day.

"Finally home sweetheart?"

When you saw the man behind you holding a plate of takeaway sushi, you shrieked and nearly fell to the floor in shock.

"Hawks you little-!"

________________________________________________________________

Dabi threw up his hands in frustration as he approached the LOV's hideout. He completely forgot to ask for your name. After you had taken care of his injuries, the very least he could do was ask for your name.

He sighed and sat on the grimy couch. His thoughts returned to the events of your and his meeting. He was still bewildered that you chose to help a random stranger in the dark. Dabi knew that if it hadn't been for you, he would have bled out until he passed out and died. His fingertips traced the stitching on his arm that you had done. It was noticeably better done than his own work.

"What are you smiling about?" Toga spoke up, breaking Dabi of his thoughts.

His face immediately dropped, and he muttered a nothing. Toga shrugged off his reply and reached for the TV remote. The sound of the TV made Dabi’s head throb, so he stood up and headed out of the room to find somewhere more peaceful to rest for the night.

"What was the situation like in the hospital tonight Doctor?" the interviewer asked.

"Well, I would personally like to thank the heroes who were able to transport the citizens and other heroes who were harmed in the attack to the hospital so quickly."

The sound of your voice echoing throughout the room made Dabi freeze in place. He turned around to face the TV and ordered Toga to turn up the volume.

Dabi barely heard your voice as he continued to stare in a trance at your lovely face.

"We would like to thank you and your unit for all your help today. We are all grateful. " The interview told you.

You nodded and smiled at the camera as you wished everyone well.

Your name suddenly appeared at the bottom of the screen.

"Doctor _____ ______"

Dabi's face lit up with a big grin, and he couldn't help but laugh. He figured it wouldn't be that difficult to find you after all.

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genshin-impacted · 4 years ago

Text

lost & found // Diluc x Reader (3/3)

Word Count: ~6.5k

Notes: Seelie!Reader, GN!Reader, Diluc/Reader, Mondstadt people interaction + Mondstadt Archon Quest, mild violence/fighting description and mentions of blood, Diluc POV briefly, mainly reader!POV

Summary: Oftentimes you find yourself wondering about your life before becoming a seelie, but with Diluc by your side, you don’t let yourself dwell on the long-gone past-- not when Diluc offers you affection and a tenderness that no one else is privy to.

But on moonless nights, you let yourself wish upon a star.

(And sometimes, in this world ruled by the Gods and their stars, wishes are granted.)

Alternatively: Diluc has never asked you or needed you to change for him to love you.

[Part 2]

(thanks for the love for this fic! here is the final addition)

Diluc breathes out and sees the fog it makes in the frigid air of Dragonspine. The world continues to remind him that he’s lucky to have his Pyro vision, and again he’s inclined to agree that it’s a useful tool indeed. He cannot melt the snow that falls on the peaks of these mountains, but even he must admit that his flames have served him well in this icy winterland-- until it doesn’t.

His phoenix burns through ruin guards and hunters alike, along with the icy foothold beneath him, and he falls into this cavern with no way up. He thinks it’s ironic that he’s the one that led himself into this predicament and attests it to your influence as his trouble-finding seelie.

Diluc huffs as he dusts off the snow from his shoulders and continues further into the hole he fell into, leaving tracks wherever he can so that you can find him. He knows better than anyone what you can do, and he knows that you cannot find him if he doesn’t leave clues.

It is neither a surprising nor disappointing revelation to him. Diluc has always known that there is nothing special that binds the two of you together-- and perhaps that is why he cherishes what the two of you have. There is no contract, no string of fate, no hand of god that has put the two of you together or convinced the other to stay. You have chosen to stay with Diluc, and Diluc has chosen to let your presence change his life bit by bit.

Ever since coming back to Mondstadt, he has slowly grown more accustomed to working with other people, though with your appearance, his change has been accelerated. For with every adventure you drag him into, he meets new people, forming different teams. He’s helped Razor handle his broadsword better, and now he visits him ever so often to let him spar to his content. He let his stars be read by Mona, despite his initial hesitance (apparently, you are very into astrology), and can now see the constellations form above him much more clearly. And while he has never seen the need to be closer to his god, Venti sees the both of you more often outside of the tavern, and he sees a glimpse of Barbatos within the wind-weaving bard.

You are a comforting presence: straightforward, easy to read, and compassionate. And he does not resist, much like everyone else, when you twirl your way into his heart. It is no longer surprising for him to understand that he does not need to be alone on the dark side of dawn when you have chosen to accompany him.

Speaking of choice, Diluc thinks irritably, wringing out the water from his hair. How did he agree to wander around Dragonspine of all places? He must have been caught up in the logistics of the experiment itself as well as your easy agreement. Diluc is admittedly the only person that understands your every nuance (or, well, most of it; some twirls are lost in translation), but even he cannot quite decipher what you want to take from this experiment of Albedo’s.

When you find him-- which you will, he will ask you, and he thinks you will tell him as best as you can. For someone that cannot speak, you are the most honest individual in his life, which is something he has repeatedly found endearing and refreshing.

Diluc climbs up the side of a cliff near the camp, only to see Albedo and Sucrose discussing at the edge of it. He briefly wonders if the experiment has ended, but when he does not see your light between the two of them, his breath hitches in the momentary panic he finds all too familiar to when he lost you the first time.

Albedo spots him before he can speak. “Master Diluc, I’m relieved to find that you’re safe," he says briefly, and Diluc can at least respect how quickly the alchemist gets to the point, because he continues quickly. “Your seelie left to go find you before we could assess the situation.” He sighs as Sucrose frantically hands Diluc a towel to dry himself and a seat. “You gave them quite the scare, disappearing on us like that.”

“You mean they’re out there on their own right now?” Diluc presses, feeling his hackles raise.

“Yes. We’re going to go out to recount your steps-- undoubtedly, your seelie will be trying to find you--”

Diluc doesn’t need to hear anything else. He holds the towel to Sucrose who nervously puts her hands up, unsure on what to do. “I’ll go find them,” he says. “The experiment is finished now, right?”

“Do not go." Albedo sighs, and however Diluc thought of him before, it’s evident now that he is, above all else, frustrated with how things have turned out. “It’s my experiment and a miscalculation on my part. You should stay--”

“I’ll be fine--”

“Your vision does not make you impervious to the climates,” Albedo says calmly. He thinks he sees a gleam of cunning in Albedo’s eyes when he glares at the alchemist. “Besides, would your seelie be happy if you got yourself sick going to find them?” And Diluc cannot respond to that.

“That being said,” Albedo continues, pulling at his gloves. “I predict you will refuse to stay here permanently. As it’s my fault, I’ll provide you with at least a potent heating potion before you go. Please wait; it won’t take long.”

“...Thank you,” Diluc says, taking back his towel much to Sucrose’s relief. When he sees Albedo head off onto his alchemy table, he sighs and settles into his seat. Where could you have gone, he thinks, drying his hair. After leaving the waterfall, he had… climbed the clifftop. Perhaps you lost him there without any way to notice which way he went afterward, which was a mistake on his part. Perhaps he should--

Diluc pauses his train of thought and instinctively turns his head to the left where he sees you floating. And the relief, oh, the relief he feels when he sees you fly toward him makes smiling easy. “There you are. I was about to go look for you since you weren't with Albedo." He swallows, beginning to breathe easy again. "I was worried," he admits, "I--" He stops abruptly when he looks up at you.

You are crying, and he almost does not know what to do.

He didn’t realize you could cry. Diluc isn’t sure if he can even call them tears-- these globby droplets that disappear when they fall off your body that, when Diluc brushes them away, does not make his gloves wet.

But he sweeps them away when they come anyways. “Hey,” he says tenderly, as you raise your voice from distress. “It’s okay. I’m fine; I’m here.” He cups your small orb-like body and listens to you as best as he can, sweeping his hand over your head and ears soothingly until your hiccup-like speech slows down to a halt.

“You found me,” he tells you firmly. “You found me.” He repeats himself until you are warm in his hands and his hair is dry, the towel left forgotten on the ground.

Even when you have long calmed down, he continues to look over his shoulder to watch as you converse with Sucrose. “Did you get what you were looking for?” Diluc asks the alchemist, who hands him the warming potions for any emergencies.

“Yes. Simply put, your mini seelie does not choose what it finds.” Albedo explains, “However, based on previous observations, they can hone in on things that are… otherworldly. You may be glad to confirm that you are, in fact, not otherworldly. And though this was not my intended result, I also would like to inform you that their attachment to you is out of their own volition…” Albedo watches in barely concealed amusement as Diluc glances over at you again. “Though, I’m sure you already knew this.” He clears his throat. “I would like to offer them future experimentation if they are willing.”

Diluc does his best not to look confused, but his pause gets the better of him. “Why are you asking me?”

Albedo only arches his brow and asks as a matter-of-fact, “Are you not each other’s keeper?” He continues without pause to quickly go over any logistics he has remaining, the details of Dragonspine (lest he fall into a pit again), before going over to talk to you briefly. Diluc wonders what the alchemist talked to you about but he decides to let the questions be asked later.

For now, you twirl up to him, beaming at him more brightly than usual, and he does not have it in him to say anything other than, “Let’s go home.”

.By the time the two of you arrive at the winery, it is dark. You do not hesitate to corral him into getting ready for sleep, and he indulges you by not protesting.

“What did you want to get out of the experiment today?” Diluc asks you, untying his hair and placing it onto his nightstand. Before he can finish his question, you bury yourself into his hair, and he thinks that your tweets and trills sound very much like laughter. He chuckles. “Avoiding the question, are you? How very unlike you,” he teases, and he knows you hear him when he looks into the mirror and sees you peek out from underneath the red and squeak indignantly.

“I’m kidding.” Diluc lifts his hair so you can climb out and face him. “You’re the most straightforward person I know,” he says fondly, and he briefly wonders when he has gotten so honest with himself, letting you know how he feels with the amount of emotion he puts into his words to you.

Sated, you flip around once before settling into his cupped hands, deep in thought. Diluc doesn’t quite understand how your mannerisms make your emotions so recognizable, but he imagines that if you had hands, they would be under your chin in a thinking pose.

He patiently waits for an answer, walking around his room and blowing out the lights. When he turns off the last one, you can only look up at him and let out a quiet coo-- an apology. His hands are already comforting you the moment after you answer him.

“It’s alright,” Diluc says. “I suppose it’s not exactly easy to explain that.” He adds on immediately, “And don’t apologize again. It’s fine.”

“I think I can understand why without you telling me,” he says, and if his voice is a little raw, he hopes it goes by unnoticed. “It’s hard, isn’t it-- not knowing what you’re supposed to be doing."

Quietly, you float up, and Diluc feels his heart tremble when you press a kiss to his forehead in a mix of an apology, a comforting notion, and an act of love. He lays down in silence with you, and if you make a nest out of his hair, and if he wakes up with you nestled at the crook of his neck, he does not say a word.

There is no need.

“Isn’t it enough?” Lisa asks him as she leans over the library railing. Diluc looks over to her as he puts away the last of the books he has asked to borrow, and he knows what she is asking before she finishes. Still, she tilts her head, her hat staying steady on her head, and repeats, “Isn’t it enough that they’re here with you?”

“Yes,” Diluc says without hesitation. “It is.”

“Can I ask why you’re still researching about seelies then?” Lisa pauses, putting her hand over her shoulder, and Diluc knows she will arrive at the right answer without him telling her. “If not for you then… for them? You’re looking for answers for your mini seelie?”

"I try to do what I can," he says, ignoring the way Lisa's eyes gleam all too knowingly. (He always knew there was much more to her at first glance.) "Thanks for the help, I--" He pauses when he catches Lisa smiling behind her fist. "...What is it?" he asks warily.

"Oh, nothing." Lisa croons, giggling, "I just think it's sweet how the two of you treat each other. Anyone would get jealous of that." She pauses, looking out the window as the sun sets in the west. "It almost seems like a miracle to have the two of you find each other, don't you think? Fate, perhaps? How utterly romantic!"

"You're letting Kaeya influence you too much," Diluc retorts, much to Lisa's amusement.

"Maybe so," she says, sighing, "but even if it was fate, you wouldn't have cherished them any less." She gives Diluc a pointed look even he cannot deny. "Isn't that right, Master Diluc?"

Diluc huffs, walking past her to head down the stairs. "Asking that, I'm sure you already know my answer," he tells her, and he lets his mouth twitch in a semblance of a smile when he hears her complain about his tight-lipped attitude. It blossoms into a full-blown smile when he starts heading back to the winery.

When he comes back, you are waiting for him among the grapevines as the winery is basked in orange light.

He's home.

Diluc sleeps early and wakes up before the crack of dawn and takes you up the clifftop overlooking the winery. He had told you that there was something he wanted to do and left it at that. Not that you minded-- you were happy to follow him, blocking out any sharp rocks so he wouldn’t grab ahold of them as he climbed and scaring off any elemental wisps that came your way.

When the two of you reach the clifftop, the sky begins to grow brighter as the sun peeks over the horizon. The color change from blue to yellow then orange is truly beautiful, and you are almost mesmerized as Diluc takes a seat down next to you, watching the sunrise.

“...It’s almost been a year now,” Diluc says, “since we first met.”

Happy Anniversary? You squeak in confusion, only to whip your body to face him when you realize why you’re here with him at dawn to watch the beautiful scene unfold before you. You squeak rapidly, stumbling over your words that he cannot hear but can understand anyhow. You hadn’t realized-- You were an idiot for not planning anything either, not that you could-- What kind of ore could you go find to bring to him as a present--?

“Thank you,” Diluc tells you, “for the past year.” In the backdrop of the rising sun, you think he is almost too bright to watch with that gentle smile of his. The thought is only exacerbated when he cups you in his hands as softly as he has always done. “Let’s see what this year has in store for us together.”

You trill softly, floating in the air to situate yourself on top of his head to watch the ocean shine brighter with the rising sun.

It is not the New Year for any country nor culture, but you look into the horizon and make a wish that no one can hear. One year has passed, many things have changed, but you find that the one thing that has not is your adoration for Diluc.

"Let's go back home," he tells you, not for the first time, when the sun rises substantially above the horizon. Obediently, you float down into his sights where you twirl playfully in the air in thanks for the view. He chuckles. "No problem," he says, and he leans down just enough to place a quick kiss in between your ears.

(In hindsight, perhaps you should have wished for more kisses in the following year if you thought that was actually something you could wish for.)

Like the beginnings of a new arc, you lead Diluc onto the start of another campaign that lasts longer than normal and ties in with the previous adventures you have had with Diluc.

You find Aether on the shores east of Mondstadt. Diluc can only look at you curiously when Aether reveals his visionless powers and his desire to find his sister, for if there were ever any need for corroborating evidence on your talent or ability, Aether is living proof of it.

With the traveler, you resolve many of the things that neither you nor Diluc could comprehend. The red, crystalline tears are purified, the winds calm down with Dvalin’s defeat, and Venti-- or should you say, Barbatos-- as usual, disappears in a wisp of dandelions to leave the City of Freedom to its autonomy. In the breezes of Mondstadt, you can feel his protective gaze upon the city, and more often than not, you find him wandering in the tavern, looking for a quick drink that Diluc offers ‘reluctantly.’ (You know him better now; Diluc would rather hug Kaeya than admit that he cares for the people in his life more than he shows, and Venti is one of the people he can find a fondness for. You still find yourself abashed to know that you are the only one Diluc can say unashamedly and wholeheartedly that he adores you-- in his own way.)

Aether’s presence in Mondstadt is a breath of fresh air, considering how compassionate he is and how willing he is to help with the common troubles of those in the city. He is led along by Kaeya, tugged onto an impromptu date by Lisa, and given a mask to go undercover with Diluc and help him in ways that you cannot. The tug of jealousy is unfamiliar, but you are more glad than anything that Aether can be his partner during the most dangerous of missions. You tag along as moral support and as a guiding post-- and for that, you find yourself most similar to Paimon, who, for some reason, keeps being compared to emergency food.

“You’re my companion,” Diluc tells you with finality when you look up at him, barely forming the thought in your head about being his emergency food. “Don’t doubt that.”

Turns out, people can not breathe when you are covering their entire face with your translucent body.

When the dust settles, you never think of turning Aether down when he asks you if you can sense whether his sister is in Mondstadt.

You leave with Aether and Paimon with the promise that you return to Diluc at the winery. You guide the two of them to Stormterror’s Lair, a place you have gotten far more acquainted with in the past month, and head up to the cliffside where a ruin guard’s footprints remain next to a dandelion. You can sense something here, though you are unsure of what, and you are about to apologize for finding nothing when Aether looks over to you with wet eyes.

You coo up at him comfortingly as he sighs with a mixture of relief and sadness. “Thank you,” he tells you, holding out his hand. You press against it, and you hope he knows that the best you can do to imitate a comforting hand-hold. “At least now I know for sure she’s here in this world.” He smiles at you. “This gives me a lot of hope that I’ll find her, so… thank you, really.”

Aether leaves for Liyue in the next few days, and if you had known he would leave so soon you would have done more than held his hand. You wish you could comfort him, reassure him that his sister, too, must be looking for him just as hard as he was. (Even if this was not the truth, you think if you wish hard enough, you could maybe manifest it for him.) You have so many words within you and yet none of them are conveyed, and Aether’s sad smile stays.

It gets hard sometimes, knowing how little you can do, and how much you could have done before-- and this is one of those moments. It is rare for you to feel melancholy over the things you no longer have, but they come and go like the waves on Falcon Coast. Without a word, Diluc can tell when you are feeling down, holding you when you fall into his hands.

His kisses come more often now, and he places one between your ears when you are with him during your lower moods. You think your day improves almost immediately when he does so, but it helps tremendously also that Diluc never forgets to reassure you.

“If you want me to help you with anything,” he says, “you only need to ask."

You coo again, twirling once, nudging at his cheek before backing away just enough to look at him. If you had a heart (and you sometimes suspect you do), it would be beating quickly as you wait for him to decipher your actions.

“...Ah,” he says, picking you up again. You think for a moment he looks as embarrassed as you feel, but then he asks, “...Another one?” and places a second kiss onto your head.

You trill, pleased that you are spoiled by Diluc and even happier that Diluc only joins you in your mirth when he huffs in laughter.

“What an honest seelie,” he says, and you could not be more content with how fond he sounds of you and how, again and again, he continues to be patient with you even when you cannot be patient with yourself.

Sometimes when the moon is high and Diluc is fast asleep, you find yourself at the place you first came to fruition as a seelie. The lake by the Winery and this exact scenery may as well be your birthplace. When you look into the reflection you see your orb-like features, viscous yet watery all at once, emitting light.

But sometimes, when the only light is coming from the fireflies that glow beside you, you look into the lake and see a familiar face staring back at you. They have your face-- your eyes, your nose, your mouth, and your brows of a time when you were not a seelie. It’s the only time you get to see this image of your past self, reminding you of what you were before. Sometimes, you think you can hear your voice being carried over by the winds of another world, of another time.

These moments are the only thing you have kept to yourself.

After all, what’s the point of holding onto something that you no longer have? The man you’ve grown to care for-- grown to love-- is someone who has his eyes set forward toward the future, and you’re going to be there with him no matter what.

Although seelies cannot dream, you dream of carrying over the tray of tankards and washing the dishes in the tavern, of carrying Klee over your shoulders as you lead her to Albedo, of bumping elbows with Kaeya jokingly or placing a blanket over Jean’s shoulders when she falls asleep in her office again.

You dream of lacing your hands with Diluc’s, pressing your lips upon his temple, and hearing his heartbeat against his chest with a steady, grounding rhythm that reminds you you are home.

And sometimes, just dreaming is enough.

(And sometimes, it is not.)

Life goes on. You see more of Mondstadt and begin to know the land like the back of Diluc’s hand. Knights and adventurers alike know you as the little seelie, and whether they think you follow Diluc or Diluc follows you is up to each person’s interpretation. (Regardless, none of them are wrong.)

You accompany Diluc when he trains Razor in Wolvendom, and you invite Bennett to adventure sometimes with the two of you. (The boy may be unlucky, but you’re a magnet of trouble, so you think you have some things in common. A lot more things explode when he accompanies you but Diluc can handle it.) You make sure Jean gets some rest (“Your seelie is, um… very…” “Stubborn?” “I was going to say determined.”) and follow Lisa around on her expired library book expeditions. (“You think she’s beautiful, don’t you?” Diluc says to you, and you wonder why you babble excuses to him-- You’re more beautiful!-- while he looks at you in amusement.)

You and Diluc spend more time with other people in comparison to before, but you still have quiet moments with just the two of you when the days are slow. You’ve been learning how to move small things even better than before, among other things, but with this skill in particular, you can actually slide the pieces on the chessboard when you play against Diluc, who looks on (fondly) as you do your best to carefully push the pieces with your body.

You always end up knocking some down, but when you finally get a handle of it, you do it with such concentration that Diluc doesn't have the heart to offer help. He does, however, end up polishing the board so the pieces slide more easily. You notice it’s shinier but he doesn’t let you pay it any mind.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says to you, and you think the words I love you come to mind more often than not recently.

Thank you, you trill instead, and you ache with a want that pulses ever so often when you want so much more than you have when Diluc reaches out to caress your head.

“Like I said,” Diluc says softly. “Don’t pay it any mind. It’s your move still, you know.”

And you move the pieces. And you pick the grapes in his vineyard. And you find artifacts of crimson for him. And you kiss the scars from the many years he has battled (with or without you).

He gains another in the next, final battle with you as his seelie.

Diluc has gotten hurt before. It’s inevitable with the number of enemies he faces, the number of times you run into enemy territory, but it has never been a problem for him to stand back up and fight. His fire burns brightly-- shine true is his motto, and Diluc lives those words as though they have been etched onto his soul.

Much like fire, Diluc is relentless, and you can only follow him as he pushes through enemies, listens to his connections, and finds a den of thieves that have been terrorizing Springvale for months. The two of you should have known that their efficiency was because they were led on by the Fatui, but you fail to notice until they have you surrounded.

You have every faith in Diluc to come out safe and sound, but it takes only one mistake for you to be reminded that there is a limit to everything.

The blade slices through so quickly you aren’t sure what happened, but when Diluc pulls his hand back from the cut on his side to have it painted with blood, your heart drops.

“A little out of depth, don’t you think, Darknight Hero?”

“I’d keep my tongue in my mouth if I were you,” Diluc growls, and you can only tremble in mid-air as your mind races with the things you can do-- only to think of all the things you cannot do. You almost miss what Diluc tells you with the way your hearing fuzzes. “Go back to Mondstadt and tell the Knights where these bandits are,” Diluc says, and you know it’s serious when Diluc thinks about reaching out to the knights. (This is partly true, you would realize later, that despite Diluc’s hesitance on being associated with the knights, he knows you would reach out to Kaeya or Jean if needed-- if not for him but so you would be taken care of.)

You should have told Jean or Kaeya or Amber or even Lisa where the two of you had gone just in case things go awry. The thought never crossed your mind things could go wrong when you had Diliuc with you.

“You’ll find me again,” Diluc tells you softly when you hesitate, and you wonder how he can lie to you like that when his gloves are too bloodied to even hold you. “I promise.”

How could you ask me to do that? You plead, feeling tears well up again. How could you ask me to leave you?

“It’s okay,” Diluc tells you, and his bare hands are warm. “It’s fine.”

You are ripped out of Diluc’s hands when someone throws an electro grenade in the fire below Diluc’s feet. He’s still standing even after this, but a throwing knife hits him on the shoulder, another grenade to his left. You can do nothing but watch as Diluc is hurt, falling onto the ground.

If there was ever a moment you wanted something so badly, you would have done anything to get it, it would be right here-- right now.

You are the last thing he sees.

“You whose strength stems from your devotion, I shall lend you my power.”

You don’t know whose voice you heard or how somehow you have the hands to hold onto the Vision framed with Mondstadt wings in your hands, but you’ve learned not to question the good things in life-- one of them being your life at Diluc’s side.

Your voice is loud, you realize, when you shout at the bandits to leave. And your powers are strong-- strong enough to protect the person that matters most.

The bandits run at the fight sign of trouble, and the Fatui agent is unconscious. (You checked.)

You hold Diluc as he lies on your lap, breathing heavily but still breathing-- thank the archons. You quickly brush his hair away from his face and press on his wound, wincing when he lets out a grunt of pain even unconscious. I won’t let them hurt you, you think, taking one of his hands to brush your lips over his knuckles. (His hands are rough and calloused, but you love them just the same for how gently they held you when you were just a seelie.) If they come back, they’ll have to get through me.

“Hello, mini seelie.”

You look up from Diluc just in time to see a hand reach down to softly rustle your hair, much to your dismay. The initial reaction gives way to surprise when you recognize that the voice comes from none other than Kaeya. He grins down at you with his sword by his hip, and you frantically look around to see if the bandits had come back.

How did you--?

“Nice wings you got there,” Kaeya teases you, making you look back and find that oh, when did those get there? “Didn’t even notice them because you were too worried about Diluc, huh?” When you nod, he softens his gaze. “Why don’t you let us take care of things around here, hm?” He glances down at Diluc who has been sleeping soundly in your lap. “Let’s get him back home.”

When a few knights come with a cart to ambulate Diluc back to Mondstadt instead of the winery (you couldn’t argue with Jean even if you did choose to speak; she’s stubborn when the people she cares about are hurt), you feel the tension leave your body all at once, and for the first time in what feels like an eternity, you actually feel sleepy.

“I’m glad we arrived right in the nick of time.” You turn to Kaeya who had been working behind the scenes, directing the knights. “You did good work, chasing them out of here so we could catch them easily,” he says, “I-- oof!”

You tackle Kaeya into a grateful hug, and it takes him a few moments to respond by placing his hands onto your back and giving it a few pats. “There, there,” Kaeya drawls, but you can hear the smile in his voice anyways. “Better not hug too long; Diluc might be jealous that I’m the person you hug first, you know.”

You let go slowly, grinning up at him as though you agree, and you dodge Kaeya before he can mess with your hair again. On the way out of the camp, Jean gives you a smile, Amber waves excitedly at you before rounding up a few more bandits, and your cheeks hurt a little from the way Lisa pinched it. You go find Diluc where he’s being taken back in a horse-drawn cart and hold his hand until you’ve fallen asleep by his side.

(In his sleep, Diluc holds onto you.)

Diluc wakes up twice. Once, very briefly, when your wings are expansive and when the Vision at your waist shines brightly with power. Before he wakes up the second time, you can already feel the power fade from both you and the Vision.

You knew that your transformation was temporary; powers do not always last forever, especially since the glow of your Vision seems contingent on the cycles of the moon-- particularly the moon that you were born on. You think that you should feel more disappointed, but you don’t. You get to hold onto Diluc’s hand in yours and wipe away the sweat from his forehead as he sleeps, and you think that if you only get this one chance to do these things, then you will take what you can get.

You will love Diluc as you are, no matter what form you take. Your transformation wasn’t necessary. Your powers were a bonus, but even if you weren’t granted a miracle, Diluc would have been safe, as a courtesy of Kaeya who had been trailing behind the two of you since you from the start. (Kaeya and Diluc's connections had the same info this time around, so they were bound to intersect at some point.) What you’ve been given was not the power to save Diluc, but the chance to love him in a way you have always dreamed of doing.

When Diluc opens his eyes the second time around, more aware and more awake, you almost don’t know what to do. It’s a momentary panic when you think he doesn’t know who you are, but he only needs to take one look at you before he raises his hand to caress your cheek as he’s always done.

“It’s okay, I’m here. I’m fine,” he soothes, though his voice is still raspy from disuse. “Don’t cry.”

I can’t believe you wanted me to leave you behind. How could you tell me that?

“...Sorry,” he says, and you raise your head from his bed just enough so he can wipe away the tears on your lashes. “It’s funny but even if you don’t talk, I can still understand you.”

You watch as he slowly takes your hand and presses his palm against yours, lowering his fingers until they’ve interlocked with yours. “My seelie,” he says with all the warmth in the world. You can only nod before you’re wiping away the tears that spring up again. "Even in this form, you'll still lead me, right? Still find me if I get lost?"

You don't know what type of face you're making, but Diluc softens his gaze before shifting slightly in the bed offered to him by the church. "Come here," he whispers, arms outstretched.

You tentatively place your weight onto the bed, arms placed on each of his sides as you gingerly climb into bed with him. When he winces, you put a hand on his chest, alarmed, to stop him from exerting himself.

“I’m fine,” he says immediately, and when he looks at you, he bursts out laughing, only for him to wince again more strongly. “Sorry, your expressions-- they’re exactly how I imagined them.” He chuckles, though you purse your lips at him as you finally settle under the covers next to him. You make a sound of surprise when he leans over just enough to press a kiss onto your forehead. You hear his soft huff of laughter again when you bury your face into his chest out of embarrassment. “Still as easy to read as ever.”

You grab a hold of his shirt with your ears pressed against his sturdy chest. He gently rubs circles on your shoulder as you listen to his heartbeat, which is as steady as you have imagined it to be. It quickens ever-so-slightly, and you look up at Diluc in time to see him gaze down at you tenderly. “You don’t have to speak,” he says, brushing his hand across your cheek. “Nothing has to change at all. But there’s something I want to know.” You raise your hand to caress his hand (and he finds the courage to keep on speaking).

“Do you think you can tell me your name?” Diluc whispers, the most unsure you have ever seen him, and you think you’re so fond of him your heart (not just metaphorical this time) might burst from it.

It takes only a moment for you to decide to scoot yourself up just enough to kiss him on the side of his mouth, and you can't help but grin at the stupefied expression on his face.

And you say your name.

How interesting is it that it's the one thing you cannot convey through trills and twirls, cannot show through hugs and kisses? You never thought that your name could have such significance but you watch as Diluc's eyes widen and you think this moment is the gift the gods have given you.

Diluc takes a moment to taste your name, and he calls out to you for the very first time out of many, many, many times.

Before the sun rises, Diluc wakes up to your bright glow and with your seelie body pressed up against his collarbone. He breathes your name into the quiet infirmary before he closes his eyes to sleep again.

You are found more often than you are lost. For every time Diluc calls your name-- as a seelie or as a human (fairy?)-- your heart soars as high as the anemograms at Brightcrown Mountain.

As a seelie, your life with Diluc stays the same-- for the most part. No one treats you differently and no one loves you differently from when they knew you as just a seelie. If anything, the biggest change has been in Diluc's life where the stares from his admirers are more muted and the swoons reduced, for how could anyone continue to pine over someone that is so evidently preoccupied with someone else? (Even though they've only seen the person who Diluc holds in high regard once every new moon.)

Every adventure still has the same probability to go awry and Diluc still polishes the chessboard to perfection for you. Though on moonless nights, Diluc can hold you close, and you can hold him closer, saying his name (the second word you ever say) and hoping he can never feel quite as lost as before when you are here with him.

FIN

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@creation-magician @inlustris-but-obey-me @lumi-ying @thetwinkims @loveyoutothestars @ninqat @winterptilopsis @nya-vivi @just-noelle @shr3ik

#diluc ragnivindr #diluc/reader #diluc x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact diluc #diluc #genshin diluc #kaeya #albedo #jean #lisa #aether #mini seelie #the amt of times i stopped myself from rambling

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mypoisonedvine · 4 years ago

Text

Seeing Red | bodyguard!Bucky Barnes x reader (part 7)

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5) (part 6)

series summary: bucky used to brag that he didn’t have a celebrity crush, or really care about famous people at all, which is what made him the perfect person to start working for a celebrity like yourself. except, of course, it’s just his luck that he’d fall for you.

word count: 2.5k

warnings: um just implied smut and fluff and a reference to bdsm I guess?? but it's pretty chill overall

Liked by starkcosmetics and others

y/n.y/l/n okay first of all, it takes an act of god to get a picture of this guy smiling, but it’s always worth it. he really changed everything for me and I can’t thank him enough for that. so happy ❤️

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caroldanvers 😍😍😍

flowercrowny/n oh my god this is so sweet i’m gonna cry

1 HOUR AGO

He smiled as he stared down at the post you’d made, remembering how much effort you’d put into finding the perfect picture (in your opinion; he thought he looked kinda dopey in it) as well as writing and re-writing your caption.

The speed at which your post gained likes and comments was inconceivable to him; even more impressive was the speed at which gossip rags were picking up the story. Sure enough, his phone’s alerts to new headlines about you were not only going off like crazy, but had started to include news about himself as well.

Y/N Y/L/N Shocks With Romantic Instagram Post, Confirms Dating Rumors

You’ll Never Guess Which Hollywood Starlet Is Dating Her Driver

Who is James Barnes? Everything We Know About Y/N Y/L/N’s New Beau

Skimming one of the articles, he was impressed at how much information they’d managed to get without actually getting anything from you or him. Born in Brooklyn, disabled Army veteran, worked a list of odd jobs before becoming your driver and bodyguard. ‘No social media presence, prefers to keep a low profile’ one of them said; you can say that again, Bucky chuckled to himself when he read it.

He found another from People and didn’t particularly appreciate that it spent half the time going through all your past exes and rumored partners (turned out ‘rumored’ is a fancy word for ‘a bunch of fans deluded themselves so hard that it somehow turned into news without any proof necessary’). But he still smiled when he got to the part that was actually about you and him.

‘The relationship is pretty new but they’re so happy together,’ a source close to the couple reported.

Close indeed; that statement came from your publicist, who he’d never even meet.

‘He’s a very private guy and she’s got this huge following, so they’re sort of an odd couple in that way, but she knows her fans are respectful and will let them have their own life outside of the spotlight.’

Bucky wasn’t sure that the respectfulness of fans was such a given here, but he hoped you were right. To be fair, they’d been very sweet on your original post insofar.

However, when he scrolled to the bottom of the celebrity magazine articles and realized they had their own comments section, he discovered that they were a little less forgiving than the ones on your Instagram.

Is this the best she thinks she can do? So sad tbh :(

a military guy…. yikes, she could get any guy she wants and she goes for a murderer.

He looks like a hobo that found a coupon for a free haircut lol

I don’t buy it, I know she’ll always love Pietro!

Pietro being your former co-star that so many of your fans were convinced was actually your soulmate. From what he’d heard from you, those speculations had made things so uncomfortable between the two of you that it killed your friendship. Those were nothing, though, compared to the comments about someone you actually had dated.

she’s obviously not over sam… they were so good together

He’d better watch out for her ex, he still likes tweets about her and they have so much chemistry

Wait, she’s not still with Sam Wilson?? I could’ve sworn they’d been dating for, like, five years.

You were scrolling through your phone with a smile as you walked past where he was sitting on the couch, and he just couldn’t help himself from asking even though he knew it wasn’t the best idea. “Do I need to worry about this Sam thing?” he blurted out, trying to play it cool and not sound too anxious. “People are really obsessed with you two…”

“Sam and I…” you sighed, staring off into space for a second. He made himself anxious imagining what you were thinking about in that moment. “I haven’t talked to him in… years? I think it’s just because our relationship was so public that people are still talking about it. And it had a lot of gossip material— we did a movie together, people thought it was sweet that we got together during production, it was great promotion for the picture… and from the outside, we made a lot of sense for each other. But he has his own problems. I loved him, but… he wasn’t ever going to be a one-girl kinda guy.”

“But you’re not just any one girl. You’re… you know, you,” he emphasized.

“You’ve been reading too many headlines,” you shook your head as you sat down beside him. “Please don’t turn into one of those guys who thinks of me as a celebrity first. Before that—” you pointed to your own name where it was bolded on his screen in the trending topics page of Twitter— “was popping up on movie posters and in gossip magazines, it was just my name. And I’m not perfect. Not even close.”

Bucky sighed and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into him and holding you tightly. “And before I knew you were famous, or rich, or incredibly talented, I was totally obsessed with you just for who you are.”

“You’re too fucking amazing,” you sighed as you held his face and gave him a gentle kiss— the kind of kiss that instantly melted his heart and banished his worries. When you pulled back and looked up at him with a smile, it was like everything else just… faded away. “Don’t read the comments, okay? None of them matter.”

He smiled and brushed his thumb over your cheek, overwhelmed by not only the softness of your skin but of your spirit as well. In all his life he’d never been handled so… gently, with so much care. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” he mumbled, not even really realizing he’d said it aloud until you gave him a beaming smile.

“I can’t believe you’re my boyfriend,” you giggled pridefully.

“Seriously? I can… very easily believe it,” he scoffed.

“I just mean… you’re so…” you searched for the words. “You’re actually good to me, that’s the thing. I’m not used to that.”

“You deserve the world,” he assured. “I’m just gonna keep trying to give you as much of it as I can find.”

He watched his hand trail over your face, down your neck and to your chest where he played with the hem of your t-shirt.

"It's odd to know there are millions of people who are jealous of me,” he admitted quietly, remembering some aggressive comments from some very angry dudes who had apparently also watched your nude scene a few too many times.

"Do you like it? Do you like how it feels to know you're making them angry every time you touch me?"

"Couldn't care less," he refuted. "Nobody else matters when I'm touchin' you."

“Do you maybe wanna… touch me a little more about it?” you smirked, opening your legs slightly in invitation.

“Always.”

Bucky had, thankfully, not let the newfound fame get to his head. In fact, he had demanded that the two of you hunker down in the house, since he feared that going out would lead to being recognized. What he apparently hadn’t anticipated was that that might not be enough.

“Will you get that?” you requested when the gate buzzed, too wrapped up in the book you were reading to answer the intercom.

He hopped up and held down the button to communicate with the gate speaker. “Who is it?” he asked.

“I’ve got a delivery from Anjappar Chettinad on 23rd?”

Bucky didn’t even reply before hitting the green button and granting access to the driveway. BEEP BEEP BEEP! you heard the gate signal its opening, and the car pulling around up to the door. Bucky didn’t open it until there was a knock, greeting the delivery guy with a smile and the necessary cash.

“I’ve got a lamb korma, hyderabadi mutton dum biryani and an order of— woah,” the man suddenly stopped, staring at Bucky’s face. “Are you—?’

“Hungry? Yes,” he frowned.

“You’re the guy dating— holy shit, congrats man,” he beamed, smacking Bucky on the shoulder pridefully before leaning in with a mischievous smirk. “Say, is she a freak or what?”

“She is,” you piped up from the couch, making both men turn their heads; but one was chuckling while the other looked mortified. “You better not have forgotten my paneer pakora or I’m gonna chain you up and whip you.”

“Uh, I— no, I got it right here,” he promised weakly, handing the bag over to Bucky and starting to dash away before Bucky grabbed his arm, making the smaller man whimper fearfully.

“You forgot the money,” Bucky reminded him gruffly, stuffing the bills into the driver’s front pocket.

Finally, he let go, and the delivery man instantly pulled away, rubbing his arm and looking a bit like a kicked puppy as he went back to his car and drove away.

“You didn’t need to scare him that bad,” Bucky chuckled.

“I could say the same to you! Grabbing somebody with the metal arm like that will put the fear of God into them pretty fast.”

“I didn’t mean to grab him that hard,” he admitted, examining the prosthetic hand as he came back to the couch with the bag of food, handing it to you while he focused on watching his motorized fingers curl and uncurl. “I think I need to get this thing recalibrated… it’s been bugging out lately.”

“I dunno, it was working just fine last night,” you smiled, remembering how delightfully cool those fingers felt inside you.

Bucky seemed to miss it entirely, though, as he stared off into space. “I can’t believe I got… recognized.”

“You’re a star,” you winked. “And not just with random delivery drivers. I’ve had a lot of press requests, everybody wants to be the first one to get nice pictures of us together— we’ve had a dozen event invites as a couple.”

“Seriously?!” he scoffed, snapping back to reality slightly enough

“Yeah, and look what came in same-day mail this morning!” You leaned over to shuffle through the mail on the side table before finding and handing him a letter in a gold-embossed envelope, watching him read what you knew was inside.

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association extends an invitation to Y/N Y/L/N and James Barnes to the annual Grant Banquet in support of the Young Artists Fund.

“It seems like a good first event for us,” you explained. “Relatively small and low stakes, it’s for a good cause…”

“Are you sure I’m ready to be, you know… seen? By people?”

You scoffed, hardly believing how insecure he could be sometimes. “You look great, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Will I have to talk to anybody other than you?” he asked, grimacing as if that were a form of brutal torture.

“Probably,” you admitted.

His frown deepened. “What if I say the wrong thing?”

“I’m not that worried about you,” you smirked. “You’re a lot better at this stuff than you think you are.”

“I don’t have anything to wear…”

You smirked, a little too proud of yourself, when you remembered the email your publicist had forwarded to you just this morning. “Hugo Boss will pay you $1500 to wear one of their suits on the carpet.”

“They’ll pay me to wear free clothes?” he repeated with wide eyes.

“Yeah, that’s one of the cooler things about fame,” you laughed. “I make a grand every time I wear this watch outside!”

“I guess I should send them my measurements then…” he trailed off. “Any chance I can get in on that watch deal?”

“No, but you can make $50 by getting papped at Jamba Juice.”

He paused for a moment, scratching the back of his neck as he thought. “Is the smoothie comped?”

“I don’t know. Do you want me to ask?”

“...kinda…” he admitted with a shy smile.

“Well, I will, and I’ll RSVP to this invite saying we’ll be there next week,” you decided as you started to open up the food, but Bucky stopped you by reaching for your hands.

“Are we really doing this?” he asked.

“If you want to,” you mitigated.

“Of course I do. I guess I have to accept that you’re actually willing to be seen with me,” he chuckled. “It’s just sort of hard to believe.”

You leaned in and kissed him; it was meant to be a casual, reassuring peck but he held you closer and you melted into him, moaning softly at his touch as you started to climb into his lap.

“The food’s gonna get cold,” he reminded you with a mumble against your lips.

Unfortunately, your literal hunger was a bit too strong to ignore, even with the growing intensity of a metaphorical hunger for Bucky. “Alright,” you relented, getting off of him and returning your attention to the meal on the table. “Just know that I really, really want to be seen together, in public, just in case anybody missed the news about us already. I’m not embarrassed by you or afraid you’re going to do something dumb. I…”

One of those words that can’t be unsaid started to bubble up in your throat and you coughed, banishing the thought.

“I really like you. I think we have something special.”

He smiled gently, giving you one more kiss on the cheek. “I think so, too.”

Since this was slightly less of a big deal than a premiere or press tour, you had managed to convince your styling team to let you dress yourself, which was why he was laying on the bed and talking to you through the bathroom door while you put on your gown.

“Do you want me to hire a new driver?” you prompted him, voice muffled slightly as he imagined your head covered in the fabric, trying to navigate through the dress. “I don’t want you to feel… I don’t know, like a servant?”

“A servant? You’re still paying me,” he reminded you. “You are still paying me, right?”

“Yes,” you laughed, “but still, I would hate it if you felt like staff. You’re my boyfriend!”

(His heart still fluttered every time you said it.)

“No new driver,” he decided. “I can drive just fine, and considering how things went between us… let’s not open the door for anybody else,” he smirked, making you laugh in that way you did when he made a stupid joke but you still liked it somehow.

“Okay, sure, but what about being my bodyguard? Is that too weird?” you continued.

“God no,” he scoffed, “if anything I’m gonna be better at my job than ever. As your boyfriend, keeping you safe is my job, but since keeping you safe was already my job… it’s, like, doubled-up now.”

He lost his train of thought when you opened the door.

“How do I look?” you asked as you stepped in and gave him a spin in your new dress. Your whole body was draped in red silk, with the exception of your back which was almost entirely exposed, as if it were begging him to run his fingers down your spine.

“Like everything I ever wanted,” he blurted out before he could stop himself.

And it was so odd that you questioned his desire to drive you, because those moments where he could steer with one hand and rest the other on your thigh, when he could catch a glimpse of you looking out the window at the city rolling by, when he got to listen to you ramble about something to kill the time during a drive; those were his favorite moments, and he wouldn’t trade them for anything.

After a relatively brief trip, you arrived at the venue, and all of a sudden he was doing what he’d fantasized about more than he’d like to admit: escorting you down a red carpet. It was almost overwhelming— yelling, chattering, reporters speaking into camera, flashes going off in every direction—

“Hey,” you whispered, bringing your hand up to his cheek and instantly taking all his attention.

“Hey,” he returned.

“Just follow my lead,” you instructed.

“That was the plan.”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes au #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n

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fa-by · 3 years ago

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Hey babies and dear Anons 👋🏼🤗. Welcome to a new ‘Q&A’ post. I finally answered all (37) asks in my inbox. Many of them are old and for this, I apologize because it took me a long time for the AMA's 2018 post as you know. But now here we are, and I hope you can forgive me for the delay. Enjoy 🙃.

And you believe them just like that? Where's the proof of that? My dear Anon, a piece of advice from my heart? Don't believe anything until you see it, and when you do see it, always personally check that information for authenticity. This also applies to the things that all those people, the fake insiders, out there say.

As for your question, I've already answered it a lot of times. And like the many previous times, I'll copy and paste for you the same answer I gave to an Anon some time ago: “And to answer the rest of your questions, dear, I’ll sum it all up by telling you that when they’re not together, or they’re on a break, they have a different way of acting than when they’re together. And I speak in general. It shows in the way they behave in general. Now it’s much harder to see since they’re no longer in the group and you could clearly see when it happened, and it’s also hard since the pandemic, but there are patterns. I’ve spent so much time analyzing them that they’re quite predictable in my eyes 🤣”.

I'll also copy this other part of the same answer to another Anon: “As Lauren herself tweeted, pay attention. That’s all I’m gonna say, dear. See this mine not giving you more details than these as my way to protect them.”

I'm sorry, dear Anon, it's not for you. Maybe you're new to my blog, but I hope this is the last time I have to copy the same answer because my answer won't change anyway.

You sent me this ask the same night as Colors was released, so I think you now know that the reason was because Laur's independent, dear Anon. It was up to her to advertise it.

Songs: Curious (penultimate ask) and Bad Kind of Butterflies. And posts: fourth question, first four questions, sixth question, and second, third, and fifth questions.

It’s okay. Don't worry, dear Anon 😄.

1) Her contract with Sony isn’t over, dear Anon. Even AWAL is owned by Sony Music Entertainment.

2) The rules haven't changed.

3) Nope, as you may have noticed (regarding yogurt majesty). They'll continue to alternate as they always have.

My answer would've been yes even before the good news, dear Anon.

Already done 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

Who told you they don't travel or go to each other's house or other things like that, dear Anon? I agree on the difficulty of not being able to have any public interaction, but not on the rest. We only see 5/10% of their life, and of that 5/10%, we only see what they want to show us. And yes, that includes stunts and paparazzi pics.

I also agree when you say that it's hard to maintain a relationship in that way, and believe me, told by someone who's in a long-distance relationship and therefore worse than theirs, I can assure you that it is. But it's worth it, and it's up to the two people in the couple to stay strong until a better solution/situation 💪🏼.

We think the same way, dear Anon 😏. And yes, we all love Thunder content 🤩, but don't forget Eugene and Leo. I know Thunder is her favorite, but every time she leaves the newest comer (Eugene, not Tarzan who, sadly, was adopted more for PR than anything else) and the oldest (Leo) out, I feel sorry for them 🥺.

It will depend on how things are going to be in the future, dear Anon. If they can do everything in the right way, then yes. But the point is, we don't even know if they'll want to do it 🤷🏻‍♀️. I'll copy a piece of an old answer (penultimate question) I gave to an Anon about Mila's coming out to make you understand better what I mean and how I think about it:

“Not to mention that her coming out would confirm Camren even more, even if she doesn’t confirm it herself. It’s automatic. Let’s leave for a moment out us CS who know this and focus on the general public. After years and years of speculation from fans and the press, even the GP would automatically associate them. The fact in itself that both sides are queer, would automatically make the GP think, so to people who know little or nothing about them, that they were actually real and were just trying to hide it. And that, as fine as it might be for us, wouldn’t be fine for them.

If they don’t want to come out as a couple, if they don’t even want to admit that they were in the past, then that wouldn’t be fine for them at all. It would be even more difficult to hide and deny it. They would be harassed even more by fans, by the media, and not only their music would take a back seat, but even themselves. The couple, Camren, would be in the foreground. They would no longer be two individual persons, but one entity. Have you ever thought about it? Because as much as I myself want both of them free, as much as I myself want them free and free to be together, I know that if they want to have a career, then this won’t happen for SEVERAL years. Fifteen years could go by, and if they ever really admit it, they might not even be together by then.

I’m sorry to ruin you guys’ fantasies, but I’m just trying to be objective and realistic here. This is not a fanfiction. This is their life. Their careers are at stake here. And as much as I love them, I’d rather see Camila out of the closet, but not associated with Lauren and vice versa if it means dooming their careers. As much as I love them, I’d rather see them both free from their contracts, free to do what they love without pressure, and to know that they’re together and happy in PRIVATE”.

1) She could use it even before if she wanted to, dear Anon. The fact that she's independent now has absolutely nothing to do with it. And yeah, that excuse was bullshit, but the reason she stopped using it, both of them actually, is because everyone knew what their account names were. They signed up when they weren't famous yet, but even after that, it was a ‘private’ place (outside of being famous) for them in which to be themselves and express their feelings through re-blogs. It was no longer private by then and therefore they simply stopped using it.

2) Maybe she created another account that year, but I honestly doubt it because she just doesn't use it (both of them). And no, they don't check CS blogs. When they have to check something, if they still do it, they do it on Twitter, IG, and now that's the new trend, TikTok. Tumblr is basically non-existent for that purpose if not the last place on the list, and for years now.

3) I miss them too, but they won't do that because they know we’re waiting for nothing else.

Hello, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. Neither. They were very confused because that year more than ever, they had a very constant on-again, off-again. They were together in hops through time. Like, they broke up even just for a few days 😅. Not to mention they didn't communicate at all, and Tumblr, was one of their indirect ways of doing it.

Have a great day too, dear 😊.

Hi to you too, baby CS Anon 👋🏼. Welcome 😄. And yes, they are, dear.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 all for you, dear Anon.

🎤📢🎶 Boy, nothing real can be threatened 🎶 True love breathes salvation back into me 🎶 With every tear came redemption 🎶 And my torturer became my remedy 🎶

I love Beyoncé 🤩. Hi to you, my dear 👋🏼😄. And yes, same because, among all the lyrics of the songs in Lemonade, they tweeted oh so coincidentally the same ones 🤣 *shaking my head*

Hi, dear Anon 👋🏼😄 Suppp to u, bud 🤜🏼🤛🏼. They were still together and here, bud, I already answered here (tenth question). [This is the Anon link for those who want to see]

Hi to you, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. Here, dear. I talked about it here, and here.

And, my dear? Even though Laur's independent now, it doesn't mean she has the freedom to do whatever she wants on every front. She’s not PRs-free, and she certainly doesn't have the freedom to say those relationships were fake. It would affect the people involved, the teams, the whole music industry as a big picture, and herself because she’d lose credibility on everything she said and continues to say (her narratives on everything including the songs). That would mean having to look for new justifications that would even involve Camila, and that, is something that absolutely cannot happen. Not to mention that she signed contracts involving NDAs which she is and will continue to be required to comply with.

Hi to you, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. The pandemic changed 80% of the plans, dear. It shouldn't have been like that. Unfortunately, we'll never have confirmation, and honestly, I don't even care because the important thing is that it's over 🥳.

Hello, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. I could be better 😅, but I hope you're well 😊.

For both questions: it depends on the time concerned, dear. They both did both, so, it really does depend. Like, for example, Mila was the one who broke up with Laur in mid-December 2016, and it was still Mila who started the reconciliation in February 2017.

Hey hey to you, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. English isn’t my first language either, dear, so don't worry 😊.

I agree with you that every now and then she checks what happens, but there are more the times when she doesn't. It actually always happens when it's a good period for her mentally speaking, but she then regrets it because of all the hatred she receives for even the stupidest things. As for the “Don't Go Yet” Official Lyrics & Meaning with Genius, I genuinely think she was following the script and she messed up the narrative just because it's all bullshit and she doesn't always remember everything perfectly 🤣. It happened several times and this time, she even had to improvise a lot to try to fix it, but she only made things worse 🤭🤣. Poor baby 🙈. That's Camila being Camila 🤩 and I was honestly happy to see several glimpses of her old self and that she talked about Laur in an obviously subtle and implied way.

Hello to you too, dear Anon 👋🏼😄.

1) They're still planting the seeds; I highly doubt it's Mila.

2) Yep.

3) Because even though Laur's free on certain aspects of her career, Mila is not, and there are rules to follow. Plans to follow.

Don't we all love Mila the ‘stalker’? 🤣. No, but jokes aside. This will be put aside as soon as they can finally unarchive their hidden follow 🥳.

It's frustrating at times, yeah 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 they did were actually together, dear Anon. I'm really glad you noticed it, but out of curiosity, did you understand it only because they disappeared from the radars and for the latergrams, or even for something else that you don't wanna say to protect them as I do? I don't need to know what, I'm just curious to know if you did it or not.

As for the fans who don't understand, it's unfortunately because they're too blinded to see the truth through the narratives that are set. Many don't even care about the truth because it doesn't validate what they believe.

Their coming out as a couple I think is a hope for all of us 😍, but it's a little too early for that. It'll be a while before they can do this in a friendly way, so let alone as a couple.

Oh and, I agree on their privacy 🙃.

Hi to you, dear Anon 👋🏼😄.

1) If you mean with Shrunken, it's already over as you well know 🥳 / If you mean as a couple, then you have to wait for a veeery long time.

2) I don't think she's signed a new contract at all, dear.

3) 2022.

I think now you know because it's been a while since your ask and because Prelude came out and now you have the lyrics, dear Anon. But in any case, I'm telling you the same because one never knows. The ones you wrote, are incorrect lyrics. The right ones are these: “as you drag your hand to my waist down my back”. It makes more sense now, doesn't it? 🙃

Hi to you too, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. I could be better actually 😅. What about you? I hope you're well 🤗.

Super recap: the mystery girl was basically the one with whom Mila was together before taking Laur back by becoming official in April 2014. You can check out all the links I wrote in response to that other Anon before in the third ask to see also other answers I gave on the subject 🙃.

Don't thank me, dear, it's always a pleasure for me to help as I can 😊.

Hi to you too, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. The mystery girl didn't help her forget Lauren because as soon as Laur finally got her head out of her ass (🤣), Mila broke up with the mystery girl and took Lo back. Mila tried to move on when Laur still couldn't give her what she wanted (a relationship), but she didn't succeed 🤷🏻‍♀️. *I'm sorry for the girl, but 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼* And yeah, in a way, the mystery girl appeared at just the right moment for Mila.

Hi to you too, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. I don't know if she expressly asked her to be her girlfriend, I mean, I wasn't there 🤣. I just know that the Like Friends Do situation was no longer okay for her, and as a result of that, as you said too, Lauren felt pressured at the idea. Our Lolo wasn't ready yet.

And that's okay. That's your opinion. You'd already explained it and I explained to you that it's not like that for me because for me, the song is based on the sex and the friendship with benefits they've had.

Hi to you again, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. He didn't have a big impact on her life afterwards, in her life in general, for sure, but he did have it when it happened. We know Laur is an empath, so if she said she was devastated after the breakup because she couldn't even eat and sleep, I really believe it. Especially because she was that young and it was her first breakup. I believe it even more because I know what it means to face the first real breakup at that young age.

But as I also said to the previous Anon, it's okay if you think differently. We're all different in the world and we perceive things in a different way. That’s also the beauty of it 😊. Not so good but I hope you’re doing well instead, dear, and have a nice day 🙃.

Hi to you too, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. And yes, you’re absolutely right. When I wrote the Prelude's answers, Prelude wasn't out yet and I'd only watched the live performance, so I didn't know all the lyrics perfectly yet. Now I think we all know them, but thank you very much for taking some of your time to point that out by sending me the ask, my dear 🤗.

Hi to you too, baby CS Anon 👋🏼😄. I will, dear. I will clarify everything once and for all by making a separate post for your ask exactly as I did with the AMA's one because people in our fandom and not, still believe that the leaked things were true. Exactly as with the AMA’s post, I ask you and all you babies who are reading this, to respect my decision on not wanting my stuff outside of Tumblr and if you really have the need to publish it elsewhere, then please ASK ME before doing so (including even just the proofs). Please and thanks in advance 🙏🏼. Having said that, you'll have it soon, dear 😉.

Hi to you too, dear Anon 👋🏼😄! Sorry, dear, I'm genuinely confused here 😅. Why would you want me to analyze a song she didn't write? It's like you're asking me to give you my interpretation of Diane's point of view/life. Unlike Mila who acted as a ghostwriter after giving Anyone to Justin, Laur didn't write a single word of Not Prepared For You unlike other previous collaborations she did. She just interpreted it. I mean, you said it yourself, and both Lo and Diane said it during that interview. So, I'm genuinely confused for real. Although it could fit the girls, and I'm sure it was that and the fact that THE Diane Warren wrote it the main reasons why Lo agreed to sing it, what would be the point of analyzing the song if it's not her words, dear?

HI to you too, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. Yeah, I noticed what you did there, dear, and thank you 😁. I really appreciate it 🤗. I prefer to think that those who don't greet before the question, do so because they're new to my blog and therefore don't know that I get a little disappointed when they don't. Besides being a matter of manners, it's also a matter of respect. People tend to ignore this and take it for granted, but you never know what the other person is going through behind the screen. You can't even know what their mood is at that moment, and if it's bad, I assure you that some asks at that moment tend to even seem demands. It’s kinda like those people who walk into a coffee shop or a restaurant and say what they want without even greeting the workers and sometimes even banging the money on the counter/table, you know what I mean? I hate those kinds of people 😒.

So, yeah, as I believe you know, I'm a person who always tries to treat everyone with respect and kindness, and that's why I expect the same in return. You can also notice the difference in my answers by comparing them to who greets and who doesn't because, again, it's a matter of mutual manners and respect. And if it happens that I haven't been that nice to someone, then it's because they weren't to me in the first place. People tend to, I don't know, perhaps forget that on the other side of the screen there's an actual human being like them, and they should wake up for a moment and be aware of it because this is something I've been seeing all over the internet for years. But anyway. Be nice, guys, and be aware of what you type and how you address others, please. Being nice costs you nothing, and something like that, can make a difference in someone’s life who's going through a bad period 🙏🏼.

Now about your questions, my dear, it's totally okay for me to answer 🙃. Even in the future, if you have any other personal questions, or you want advice, or you want to vent, or anything else, I'm here. I'm available to answer without any problem 😊.

1) Fluently, Italian of course because it's my mother tongue, and English. I also studied Spanish and French in high school. I understand almost everything when I listen to Spanish and I can also read it. Write it, I'd say meh, and speak it, well, let's say I can manage. When I went to Barcelona (twice) I did quite well, and with my love, I speak it every now and then (a few words or phrases). With French instead, much less in everything. I remember the basics, but besides those? Nah. The last time I was in France (because I've been there several times in different cities) it was a mix of French and English 🤭.

2) We text a lot every day. We send each other audios, videos, pics, and when we can, we video call each other and we spend hours and hours talking. Sometimes if we each have something to do, we do it anyway by staying on video call because it's as if we're together in the same room. With distance, communication is basically all we have, so that's what we do. We talk. About anything. From what we've done during the day and therefore everyday life, to more stupid things, deeper things, our fears, our feelings, our passions, etc., etc. Really about anything. There are no secrets between us.

It's really hard not to be able to see her, not gonna lie. There are days when it's really unbearable not to be able to have her with me, but I resist. We both do and stay strong. And, actually, we're counting the days because we'll see each other 😍. If everything goes well, we’ll see each other next year, and I can't fucking wait 🥳.

3) It will depend on their schedules, but I believe they'll be able to see each other.

4) Mila in 2022 for sure, while Laur, even though she said it will be in 2022, I never blindly trust the dates she says given her past with them 🤣. I hope it will be in 2022 for real as she said, otherwise it will be in 2023.

Not super healthy at the moment but okay. I'm glad you liked it, and thank you so much for the kind words 🙈; that was really very nice of you 🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰. You're the awesome one 😉! And please, don't thank me because it's really a pleasure for me to help in any way I can 😊. I hope you're healthy and have a good day too, my dear Anon, and I love you too 😘. Oh and, about that babe? Run 🤣🤣🤣.

Hi to you too, dear Anon 👋🏼😄.

1) Yes, I do. I don't know why you have doubts about it, dear, but it's an injustice because, as a bisexual girl myself, we're always questioned about it. When a person says they're bisexual, then they're actually a selfish person, a liar, indecisive because they'll have to choose a side in the end, easy, and even greedy because they're attracted to both genders. They're not a ‘good dating material’ because they're ‘scared of commitment’, and they're just confused and looking for attention. If a guy says he's bi, then he's actually gay, and if a girl says she's bisexual, then either she's actually a lesbian but declares herself bi because she's not ready to admit it, or she's actually straight and hers is just a phase and that therefore will end up with a guy anyway. Like.. no. That's not how it works. My sexuality doesn't change based on who I'm with, I'm monogamous, not polygamous, and I don't choose who to be attracted to because unlike actions, it's not something you can control, and it's totally natural and normal.

There are people who are attracted both emotionally and sexually to both genders. There are those who are sexually bi but who are romantically straight, that is that they would sleep with both girls and guys because they're sexually attracted to both of them, but that would have a romantic relationship only with the opposite gender. There are those who are sexually pan but romantically gay, that is that they would sleep with someone no matter what gender they are as long as they're sexually attracted to them, but that would have a romantic relationship only with the same gender. There are billions of examples I could give you because sexuality is very fluid and can change over the course of life. I mean, it's such a wide spectrum 🤷🏻‍♀️. There are people who already know their sexuality right away. There are those who know it, but who have never acted on it because there hasn't yet been an opportunity and others perhaps out of fear. There are those confused who still don't know, etc., etc., and that's okay.

Lauren went through various stages in her life. From denial and internalized homophobia, to welcoming and acceptance of herself. Bisexuality, and then for some years now, a bit of confusion between bisexuality and pansexuality because she didn't know what the latter was before. And that's totally fine and that's normal because as I said before, sexuality in general is very fluid and can change over the course of life. There's no need to put all this pressure on having a defined label at all costs. So, dear Anon, back to your question, yes, I do. I truly believe that.

2) Nope. Luckily, not everything in her life is (🤣).

3) Yeeeep.

Yeah, we have confirmation of that, dear Anon. But no, don't put Mila in the middle of this because their careers and choices are different. Laur didn't need Mila's connections or money to create Attunement Records.

A small standard independent record label like hers, can easily be started with little, anywhere between $20.000 and $50.000. This type of label is like a micro-company with which she can manage the money flow and the rights administration. By creating it, she opened a company in her name and transferred the master rights to that record label, which is herself. The AWAL Recordings America, Inc. [AWAL: Artists Without A Label], is a music distribution company owned by Sony Music Entertainment, which offers indeed, distribution and other services to independent artists and labels. Thanks to signing with them, Laur also owns the publication. This means that she owns her masters and her publishing, that she has more profits on distribution and publishing, and that she can also handle the functions of the actual label since, I mean, it's hers. Physical and digital distribution are AWAL's duties, but everything else like for example the money investment, advertising, marketing, promotional, legal costs, video production, tour support, etc., belong to her. [If you're interested in understanding more of what I'm talking about and what the girls went through, I wrote a post on How the music world works]

I understand the fantasy of the two of them fighting those people and creating their own empire on a rainbow, but despite being a beautiful image, it's not the reality. By that, I mean that I don't believe and that I very much doubt that Mila will become independent. They both have different visions for their careers. Different plans and different goals. Not to mention that they both have income for different things and both have a lot of connections, which yes, very linked to one another because, at the end of the day, that's the music industry. But they're both businesswomen. They can help each other if they want, but they don't need it. I don't know if I explained myself with this.

And don't get me wrong, of course their plans are intertwined. Besides being connected forever by their past with the group, they are in the present as a couple, and they'll surely have plans for the future (like all couples). This, however, doesn't mean that they'll face the same path. Think of it as a couple of doctors. They both work in the same hospital, but they don't carry out the same tasks because they're both specialize in two different things, and at the end of the day, they return to the same house anyway to enjoy their life together.

So according to this person, Lauren's not creative, she doesn't go with the flow, she's not intuitive, she's not a nurturing person, she's not a healer, she doesn't listen, she’s not an open-minded and flexible person, she's not gentle, she's not wise, she's not patient, she's not a people pleaser, she's not empathetic, and she doesn't express her feelings, right? Yeah, no, sure, because, this little list I just gave you? Represents the traits of the divine feminine energy 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️.

As I think you've understood, I strongly disagree, dear Anon. And not because I think Laur is divine feminine energy, but because she's both! Whoever wrote that, must have forgotten (or doesn't know it at all) that we all have a mix of both, and that the divine masculine and feminine energies are connected to each other. One cannot exist without the other. The yin and the yang? Same thing. Nothing can be completely yin or completely yang. We also have many other opposites that coexist with each other, such as for example life and death, good and evil, summer and winter, heat and cold, day and night, light and darkness. The latter reminded me of one of my favorite quotes from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Sirius Black: “The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are”. Sorry, but I had to 🤭.

If that’s why, it's the same thing we can find in the hemispheres of our brain:

Left side/hemisphere: the technical, more logical, and analytical one. For example, when we do a mathematical calculation, we read, write, or simply speak. This side's associated with verbal communication and reasoning, and in the divine energies, it's associated with the masculine one.

Right side/hemisphere: the visual, more artistic, and spiritual one. For example, when we draw, sing, dance, or anyway unleash creativity and artistic skills. This side's associated with emotional (and non-verbal) communications and emotionality, and in the divine energies, it’s associated with the feminine one.

What does that mean? That one part of the brain shuts down or goes on vacation while the other's working 🤣? No. They always work in sync. For instance. I can sing while listening to music (right hemisphere) and, at the same time, write, and think and reason (left hemisphere) about what I'm writing. You can dance (right hemisphere) and talk (left hemisphere) at the same time. Just as one day you can be undecided (feminine energy trait) about what to eat and let someone else decide, but at the same time, you're a bit controlling (masculine energy trait) with them because you want that what they've decided is being cooked in a certain way. Then the next day, you not only have it very clear (masculine energy trait) what you want, but you're also quite creative (feminine energy trait) in preparing something for the both of you.

So, as you've seen, the divine masculine and feminine energies are complementary. You may have more traits of one than the other or it may depend on your mood or the day you're having, but they're interconnected. And we all have them. You can even think of a scale and how the traits of the two divine energies are on the two pans of it. Sometimes the weight is more on one pan than on the other. And when the weight is completely unbalanced, therefore the divine energies are out of balance, people like Laur who are very spiritual, try to fix it even with external aids like healing crystals, meditation, and being in nature. Three types of alternative therapy. Doesn't that ring a bell?

Besides, “Lauren is the Divine Masculine confirmed”. Confirmed? Pfft, confirmed by whom? Confirmed by themselves who apparently don't even know the traits of the divine energies? Ah, okay then 🤷🏻‍♀️ *I'm sorry if I looked a little bit mean here, but I don't understand the point of talking just to talk without knowing. Plus, I'm very protective of the girls as I think is noticeable*

“She’s the runner, she’s the track star and that’s exactly why This Love was born.”

Aaand I disagree on this as well. Lauren was the runner. She was the runner at the beginning. When they were just fuckbuddies and she wasn't ready to accept herself yet. Camila was also the runner. They've both been during their relationship at different times and for different reasons. This Love was absolutely not born for that. It doesn't even talk about that. I'll copy two parts of my interpretation (last ask):

““In your opinion, what inspired it?”. Well, in my opinion, their toxic, co-dependent relationship. Many of their songs are about this, and This Love is no less. This Love talks about the instability that their relationship had and the repetition of their actions that led them more and more to fall into that toxicity. They were addicted to each other, and therefore couldn’t let each other go. In one way or another, their unhealthy way of acting led them to always be stuck in the same limbo (until they finally got out of it).” + “In addition to what I’ve already explained to you at the beginning and during my interpretation, I’d like to add that This Love is a manifestation of the frustration that Mila went through. A scream to say “enough, I can’t take it anymore”, and at the same time, the surrender on falling back into the same cycle because she couldn’t lose her. In a nutshell, with this, we witnessed the contrast, the struggle, and the contradiction of her own behavior.”

Yeah, I can, dear Anon. No problem 😄.

So. As I explained in a very old post from which I’ll copy and paste pieces, “Consequences was initially written by Emily Weisband, Amy Wadge, and Nicolle Galyon. Emily already knew both of them, while Amy and Nicolle met that same day during the session that took place in December 2016. The idea of Consequences was born because of what had happened to Emily the day before. It was her experience that brought the song to life.” As you can see in this video.

“Amy and Ed Sheeran had been friends for years and had already worked together in the past. It was indeed Ed who introduced Amy and Camila. After getting permission from Emily and Nicolle, Amy took the song to Camila (on January 5 or 6). Camila then, as she always did with EVERY SONG, rewrote part of the lyrics, by also working on it with Frank himself and Bart Schoudel, and on January 8, 2017, they finished recording it.” Mila herself explained everything briefly at 33:18 here. And this; the screenshot of the video she posted on the 8th:

Consequences was Mila's breaking point (it happened in the period before making the final decision to break up with Laur). That cycle and toxic relationship with Laur was hitting her too hard, and along with all the other things she was going through in that period (last months of 2016) [which I'll explain in the interpretation], Mila realized she couldn't take it anymore. All those consequences had a too powerful impact that even affected her mental and physical health.

In the musical timeline, Consequences comes before Let Me Know and Something’s Gotta Give. In Consequences, Mila realized she couldn't take it anymore. In Let Me Know, Laur, who was also tired of the cycle going on for years, asked Mila to let her know if she wanted to fix their problems and have a healthier relationship. And in Something’s Gotta Give (song not only centered on Lauren), Mila made the decision to leave everything behind; so let's say the answer to Let Me Know. Oh and, the effects of the Consequences lasted even after Something’s Gotta Give, therefore even after they broke up.

Let's move on to the interpretation now 🙃.

Verse 1:

“Dirty tissues, trust issues

Glasses on the sink, they didn't fix you”

The way I see it, Mila wasn't talking about herself in the first verse as everyone thought, but she was describing what she saw and felt. I'll use an example to explain. I want you to imagine a scenario. In this case, the same one that Expectations talks about because to me, they're actually the same song (Consequences & Expectations). In the sense that they're the different points of view of the girls based on the same situation.

Mila returned to their hotel room after being out well beyond the time she'd told Laur, who had been up in bed, all alone, waiting there all night for her. The first thing Mila saw upon entering, were the dirty tissues on the bedside table next to the bed (where Laur was) and the glasses on the sink in the bathroom. Why's that? Because I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but most hotels have bathrooms located near the entrance door (for a matter of separation of spaces and pipes which are all connected to each other in the hotel, and in cities affected by earthquakes, also for a matter of survival because it's the best place to hide), so from the entrance, you can see both the bathroom, either on the left or on the right (but usually on the left), and the bed (and the view).

The dirty tissues are obviously an indication of crying, and the glasses on the sink, of alcohol. Why alcohol? Because she said “they didn't fix you”, and she certainly wasn't talking about water. People drink in a fun situation like a party, in happy hours and brunches, lunches and dinners, sometimes just to relax after a long day, and sometimes, when they're going through a difficult time in their life. But alcohol doesn't help to forget. It doesn't make the pain go away. And it certainly doesn't solve life's problems. This is what Mila meant by fix. Drinking could be an escape and a distraction, but it couldn't fix Laur and their toxic, non-communicative situation.

The dirty tissues and the glasses on the sink were even behavioral elements of the trust issues that Laur had and that Mila added. Laur's trust issues were caused by several things: her emotional fatigue, her emotional distance, her anxiety, her depression, their communication problems, conflict dynamics (and not just those with Mila), hostile environments and people (sharks and fake people), and much more. All those years in which, as she also said in the 8th episode of her Attunements (dark diary), she felt nothing and everything at the same time.

Oh and, if that wasn't enough, Trust Issue is also the title of an unreleased song by Laur.

“Lonely pillows in a stranger's bed

Little voices in my head”

Mila continued to describe what was happening and what she was feeling.

“Lonely pillows” because Laur was alone in that big bed, and the second pillow wasn't occupied by her. “in a stranger's bed” because obviously by traveling, they were in hotels most of the time.

By “Little voices in my head” she was referring to the intrusive thoughts of her OCD. Have you ever noticed that when we read, when we write, and when we think, it's our own voice the one we hear in our head? Well, it's the same thing that happens with OCD, and Mila was listening to intrusive thoughts whispering to her, or talking to her, or even screaming to her in her mental voice just as it would happen to all of us with any other thought.

We know how strong her OCD was in the last months of 2016 (Sep to Dec 2016/early Jan 2017 to be more precise). Stress and emotional suffering are two reasons that trigger intrusive thoughts, and in that case, returning to that hotel room and seeing Laur in that way, caused her both stress and suffering which consequently triggered the intrusive thoughts.

But intrusive thoughts about what? On other of the many things that were causing her stress, anguish, and anxiety in that period:

“Secret keeping, stop the bleeding

Lost a little weight because I wasn't eating

All the souls that I can't listen to, to tell the truth”

“Secret keeping, stop the bleeding” and “All the souls that I can't listen to, to tell the truth” go together.

Secret keeping: her sexuality, their relationship, Laur's PR with Luggage, her eventual exit from the group, and all the different hidden truths that she can't tell yet.

stop the bleeding: bleeding has several metaphors, but for this case, we're interested in two. We have 1) feeling emotional pain, and we have 2) reveal/unveil. Both are fine because 1) stop the pain, and 2) reveal/unveil the truth, in this case, the hidden truths.

Imagine those hidden truths like a cut on your arm. A small open wound. The more time goes by and those truths remain hidden, the more the wound grows and bleeds. Everyone can see that bloodstain now because, even though it's covered by the clothes, the wound is too big and has stained the sleeve. Especially at that time, she needed to stop it. She needed to stop the pain and make sure she didn't show it. Hiding it as another hidden truth with a large band-aid so that the clothes wouldn’t stain and that blood wouldn’t be shown. That way, no one could see it but it was still down there anyway.

All the souls that I can't listen to: people who loved/love her, who wanted/want her free. Friends, family, and yes, even us fans. All the people she couldn't/can't listen to, to tell the truth: the connection with what I said before, that is, the different hidden truths that she still can't tell.

Lost a little weight because I wasn't eating: OCD, depression, and severe anxiety cause a loss of appetite or an increase in appetite because the body tries to help deal with the pressure. Mila's experienced both. In the past it was the loss of it, from 2018 instead, the increase of it. C: “I have this pattern of eating a lot when I’m anxious or uncomfortable. It’s a comfort thing for me. I’ll just kind of become unconscious and zombie-eat a lot, and then I’ll feel sick.”

Chorus:

“Loving you was young, and wild, and free

Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet

Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound

A steady place to let down my defenses”

This describes the initial honeymoon phase perfectly. Wild, cool, hot, sweet, young because they really were, free, safe and sound, a steady place to let down my defenses. A beautiful list of things Laur made her feel. Plus the link with sunshine. If you've read my ‘Inauguration’ post some time ago, then you know Laur is the sun in their story.

“But loving you had consequences”

But loving her also had consequences. I'll elaborate on this more at the end of the song.

Oh and, here there is the reference that we also find in Must Be Love: “I guess everything has a consequence”.

Verse 2:

“Hesitation, awkward conversation

Running on low expectation”

If they weren't arguing, if they weren't ignoring each other, and if they weren't having sex, then they were trying to have a ‘normal’ conversation. But given their communication problems, which we know how big they were, there was that awkwardness and that hesitation in doing so. There was insecurity. Because in one way or another, they were afraid to even talk to each other. Afraid of saying something wrong when they did. Something that would've made their situation even worse, and that, plus other factors, automatically led to low expectations.

Oh and, by the way, say hi to the reference with that last lil word:

“Every siren that I was ignoring

I'm payin' for it”

The siren is a warning. She used that slightly different way of saying that she ignored those sirens, those alarms, those signs, out of love. Toxic love that brought consequences for which she had to pay for a long time (both of them did). The present continuous also lets us understand how she continued to pay for them even after it was over (at the time) between them.

Then we have the chorus again, and to follow, the bridge where even here, as I explained in my This Love interpretation (last ask), she didn't use the no's as words to keep the rhythm, but as a way to express denial.

Different chorus:

“Loving you was dumb, dark, and cheap”

As in the original chorus, here too we have a list, but careful. She wasn't talking about how Laur the person made her feel, but how that toxic situation she was in with Laur made her feel.

“Loving you will still take shots at me”

As with the present continuous as before, even the still from here lets us understand how she continued to pay the consequences even after it was over (at the time).

“Found loving you was sunshine, but then it poured”

Because, again, the situation had changed. It was toxic. It was no longer the initial honeymoon phase. This was the end.

“And I lost so much more than my senses”

When you think about the senses, you think mostly about the 5 most important ones, right? But sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste are not the only ones we have. We have the sense of thermoception with which we're able to perceive hot and cold temperatures. We have the sense of pressure with which we're able to perceive pressure on a specific area of the body. We have the one of proprioception with which we're able to perceive the movement of the limbs and of our body. We have the sense of balance. We have the sense of tension (muscles tension and contraction). We have the sense of pain. We have the sense of time. We have the one of itching, the one of hunger, the one of thirst, and I mean, you get it, right?

And what if we lose more than one or all of them? We'd be completely lost. But is this what Mila meant by I lost so much more than my senses? Yes and no. Let's focus on the meanings of losing senses now. We have: 1) fainting, 2) losing one's mind, 3) unable to be found or recovered, 4) unable to find one’s way or ascertain one’s whereabouts, 5) confused, bewildered, or helpless, 5) morally fallen, and 6) destroyed physically.

So yeah. Mila meant that she was completely lost, but it was also more than that, as you could see from the various meanings. Her anxiety, her depression, her OCD, the eventual exit from the group, the sharks, the toxicity of the relationship with Laur, all the secrets, the pressure, the subterfuges, and everything she was going through at that time in 2016, led her to a point of total bewilderment and break. And I lost so much more than my senses: she’d lost herself and her mental and physical health.

“’Cause loving you had consequences

+ Outro:

Yeah, loving you”

Consequences are the results or unpleasant outcomes of an action; of something being done. Despite this, however, the song isn't just about that. It doesn't just talk about the bad and the ugly. It doesn't just talk about the consequences. It also talks of the good and the beautiful that was before, and this, is an indication that there was no repentance or regret. The toxicity of their story at the time was part of those consequences that Mila suffered, for sure, but at the same time, she didn't feel regret about how things had gone. Mila herself said it in the Zach Sang Show interview:

Zach: “When you love so deep and you love so hard, whoever may be, a friend, or a relative, a significant other, there are consequences. There's baggage that comes along with that”.

Camila: “Mm-hmm *agreement*. But I love how in that song, there’s no regret in it”.

Zach: “Yes”.

Mila: “You know? It’s kind of just like acknowledging ‘yeah, now I’m dealing with the aftermath, but it’s not like I should’ve never—’. It was kind of like ‘this was so intense and crazy and now it sucks but, it was still- it was still worth it’”.

And that's it, dear Anon 😊. In life, most things aren't all good or all bad. It's up to us to decide whether the good ones outweigh the bad ones or vice versa, and for Mila, even though being with Laur had also brought bad consequences, the love and the rest of the good things have always prevailed.

As I said in my Always Love interpretation (penultimate ask): “Mila used to say “I know I’d do it again if I could” every time she introduced Never Be the Same in the beginning (mostly in 2017), and Laur here is basically saying that having hurt each other more than once, in a way and in quotes, ‘it was fine’. ‘It was fine’ because, despite the pain in everything they’ve been through, theirs was love with a capital L. Without that pain, they wouldn’t have learned from their mistakes, and they wouldn’t have grown into themselves by helping each other and eventually meeting halfway to make their relationship work better. Everything, EVERYTHING, was worth it”.

Have a nice day too, dear 🤗.

For my favorite Romance song along with This Love? Of course 😄. With pleasure, dear Anon 😊.

Let's start with clarifying for those who don't know when Shameless was made. It wasn't made in June after Señorita (not even Señorita was made in June if that's why). Shameless was made on May 15, 2019. The stupid narrative is just that, stupid, and full of holes. I think you guys have realized by now that you never have to trust it, especially if Shitto was the one spreading it since he was the main protagonist of that PR.

Let's move on to the facts:

Camila was with Matchbox from May 7 to 11, 2019, for the trip to Italy. From Los Angeles, California, to Venice, Italy, it takes 13/14 hours of flight, but it can also be 20/23 flight hours because it depends on how many stopovers there are. So she left on the 7th. The 8th:

and part of the 9th she was in Venice, and she went to Rome (from Venice to Rome it's only about an hour's flight) on the same day. She spent the whole day of the 10th in Rome, and the same evening or the next morning, she took the plane to Los Angeles by arriving on the 11th:

On May 13, 2019, was the last time they were photographed together (goodbye, Matryoshka 👋🏼):

On May 14, 2019, Mila was back in the studio, and that was the day she created Liar. When she finished Liar, and only 30 minutes before leaving the studio, she did the melody for the chorus of Shameless. The next day, which was May 15, 2019, she completed it. The date was further confirmed thanks to the behind of scenes of the song she posted on September 17, 2019, which showed that Mila was wearing the same clothes as the Insta-story posted on May 15:

One of the versions that Mila gave (you can see here min 0:55), was that Liar and Shameless were written on the same day just before the rehearsal of the Señorita music video, but she was lying through her teeth. You can tell from her body language. How she changed after saying left. “And I left”, she looked at the camera normally, “'cause I had to go to rehearsal”, she moved her gaze and raised her eyebrows; ergo, big lie. You can use the 0.25 playback speed to notice it even more. And as if that wasn't enough, we have the dates. The narrative says that Señorita was made fast in June and that the music video was shot even faster that same month, but that's absolutely not true. Rehearsals took place on May 21 and 22, 2019, and the video was shot on May 23 and 24, 2019. On the last day of shooting (the 24th), Camila even posted an Insta-story by showing Sara Bivens (Mila’s friend and choreographer) while dancing in the clothes that corresponded to the last day of the behind-the-scene shooting:

Moving on, on September 5, 2019, which is the same day Liar and Shameless came out, Mila did that Insta-live in which she explained that she wrote both songs a week before shooting the Señorita music video. Here (min 1:05), she wasn't lying. She asked Sinu for help initially because she didn't want to mess up. I mean, you can see the panic all over her face 🤣. Sinu went with the narrative version by saying “after rehearsal”. Mila: “Umm. They were written right before—” ; Sinu by trying to correct her: “Right after” ; Mila by messing up anyway: “Right after- Right before, umm. Like a week before we filmed the Señorita video”. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. The smile she made after telling the truth was priceless 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣.

As you've seen already before, Camila actually finished recording Shameless on May 15th, and a week later precisely, on May 22nd, it was the day the rehearsal for the Señorita video ended, and the shooting started the next day. So it was the truth that time. The lie wasn't on that date, but in saying they recorded Señorita in June for the narrative.

Before starting with my interpretation, I’d like to point something else out. The song was about Shallow for the narrative. They even put a guy from behind in the music video that was supposed to represent him. And what else did they do to confirm that even more? On the same day of the release, Shaky first posted the Insta-story of the song:

And then the pic below thanks to which obviously the shitmila shippers went to make the comparison with the music video:

Well, we know it's bullshit regardless, but the phrase ‘My kisses are history, they go back a long time’ confirms it even more. I mean, as I said before, the first bullshit Mila said was that she wrote Shameless before the rehearsal of the Señorita music video in June, but nothing had happened between them yet until July 4th, 2019, according to their own narrative! Soooo, what kisses that were history are we talking about exactly? 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🥱(🤭🤣). But anyway. This is not what I wanted to point out. That was just the obvious 🤣.

Camila wanted us to believe that the song was about her inner battle between, first hiding and denying her feelings, and then being cheeky and shameless about it. Still according to the narrative, this was supposed to be the ‘I want him, then I don't want him’ friendzone crap we've heard even up until recently, you know? But let's put aside Shrimp who doesn't have a shit to do with it, and let's think about the real muse behind the song. By still keeping in mind what I said at the beginning (Camila wanted us to believe that the song was about her inner battle between, first hiding and denying her feelings, and then being cheeky and shameless about it), the first verse, at least at first impact, suggests that Mila was talking to herself about her feelings for Laur at the beginning of their story. But with the second verse, I realized that it wasn't like that. I mean, it can be a way of interpreting the song. That Mila first talked about the past in the first verse and then about the present (that is the period on which the song is based: 2017) in the second verse as she did with Liar (although the order is more of a mix there), but with the hidden connections she created and the information on the facts, at least in my opinion, is not like that.

Let's start with the interpretation, but it’s gonna be slightly different from what I usually do, okay? Let's go 🙌🏼.

These are the two verses as we know them:

Verse 1:

“Don't speak, no, don't try

It's been a secret for the longest time

Don't run (oh), no, don't hide

Been running from it for the longest time”

Verse 2:

“So we're there, now it's real

Now that you have me, do you want me still?

My kisses are history, they go back a long time, uh

And I'm tired of loving somebody that's not mine, no”

Now I'm gonna put them in a single sentence in a different way from the real order, and then I'm gonna give you the interpretation. I advise you to try to read without singing the words in your head because you might get confused otherwise 🤣: Don't speak, no, don't try. Don't run, no, don't hide. Been running from it for the longest time. It's been a secret for the longest time. So we're there, now it's real. Now that you have me, do you want me still? My kisses are history, they go back a long time. And I'm tired of loving somebody that's not mine.

“Don't speak, no, don't try”

Because this is the time to listen.

It was time for Laur to listen to her and not use distractions, facades (one of the things she talks about in In the Dark, reference to ‘So why can't you show me? Who are you in the dark?’), or excuses to avoid the subject, or run away (this is connected with the next two sentences).

“Don't run (oh), no, don't hide

Been running from it for the longest time”

Okay, very short timeline summary with just the things we need to know in this case. Mila broke up with Laur in mid-December 2016. She unexpectedly met her on February 6, 2017, and all of her feelings resurfaced. Bam, All These Years (interpretation here, last ask). She saw her again on February 12, 2017, at the Grammys' after-party, and bam, In the Dark (interpretation here, last ask).

This whole piece (Don't run (oh), no, don't hide. Been running from it for the longest time) is connected with “You’re runnin’, runnin’, runnin’, runnin’ (oh) - Runnin’, runnin’ away from it (away)” by In the Dark. There's the reference and the connection with exactly what Mila explained happened that night. (In the Dark) Runnin’, runnin’ away from it = Been running from it (Shameless). You’ve been running from it for the longest time. Now, why for the longest time? Well, because in In the Dark, Mila promised her that she would've stayed and that she was ready. That was the first step. It's a connection that we also find with Find U Again and later with Havana because Mila was ready even back then. She told her face-to-face that she was ready the first time in In the Dark, but she was ready even before that. If that's why, Mila was ready since All These Years already. So you have to keep in mind the time passed before getting to Shameless (which was the last step before they got back together), and for our exaggerated queen especially in songs, that was the longest time 🤣.

No, I'm just kidding no, I'm not 🤣. She used the longest time even as a reference to the past of the beginning of their story. Same reference and connection as we find in the next sentence:

“It's been a secret for the longest time”

I mean, hello???? 🎶 The greatest love story that's never been told 🎶 Duh!

“So we're there, now it's real

Now that you have me, do you want me still?”

Mila was basically saying: ‘After everything we've been through, we're here now. I'm standing here in front of you, and this, us, is more real than ever (and I think the real part was also an indirect made on purpose for the fans, for us). I'm here to tell you fearlessly and shamelessly (because the chorus had already happened since this is the second verse) that you have me. I promised you I'm here to stay (reference with ‘I promise that I won't run’ by In the Dark). I'm yours. I'm ready and I wanna try again (reference with ‘But if you say try again, I'd be ready. I'm ready’ by Find U Again). But now the question is, do you want to? Do you still want me? Now that you know, now that you have me, do you still want me?’.

“My kisses are history, they go back a long time, uh

And I'm tired of loving somebody that's not mine, no”

My kisses are history, they go back a long time. Again as before, duh 😉🤭. They date back to the times of the X-Factor elevator (although that one was more a playful one and not as serious as the New Year's one). That phrase was a way like if to say ‘we've known each other for a long time’ which connects to And I'm tired of loving somebody that's not mine. Mila explained what this actually means:

Therefore, with these two sentences, she's saying: ‘ we've known each other for a long time. We've been through this before and I'm tired of loving you from afar without being able to act on it. I'm tired of loving you without being able to be with you for real’. Not to mention the fact that she's never been able to do it properly. She's never been able to be with her in a free way since they're two queer female celebrities, and I can't imagine how exhausting THAT can be.

So. After analyzing the first two verses in this way, we get: Don't speak, no, don't try. It’s time for you to listen to me, and don't run, no, don't hide. You've been running from it for the longest time (from the All These Years' meeting). This, ours, it's been a secret for the longest time. So we're there, now it's real. I'm standing here in front of you, and it's more real than ever. Now that you have me, do you want me still? My kisses are history, they go back a long time (we've known each other for a long time) and I'm tired of loving somebody that's not mine (I'm tired of loving you from afar without being able to act on it. I'm tired of loving you without being able to be with you for real).

Now it's clearer why I don't think that Mila first talked about the past in the first verse and then about the present in the second one, but that she always talked about the present (at the time 2017)? I hope it was, and I hope this part of the interpretation wasn't too messed up 😅. I'll continue with the usual way now.

Pre-Chorus:

“So many mornings I woke up confused

In my dreams, I do anything I want to you

My emotions are naked, they're taking me out of my mind”

🤤🤤🤤🥵🥵🥵 Ahem-ahem. *throat clearing*

So basically, she was able to be with Laur during her sleep (In my dreams, I do anything I want to you), in every sense (😏), but every time she woke up the next morning, she was confused (So many mornings I woke up confused). The more it happened, the more the confusion turned into frustration and impatience because what was happening in her dreams wasn't happening in the reality. And the more that happened, the more unbearable it became for her to repress and control her emotions that were driving her crazy (they're taking me out of my mind). Until she then exploded, and finally told her everything by expressing those emotions (My emotions are naked), which were by then also evident without the need to express them (but she did anyway).

Chorus:

“Right now, I'm shameless”

The rasp here......... The. Rasp. Here. 🔥!!!!! By hearing that part, I was like: 🎶 Right now I'm deeeaad 🎶 I'm just saying 💁🏻‍♀️🤣.

“Screamin' my lungs out for ya

Not afraid to face it

I need you more than I want to

Need you more than I want to”

Aaand these were the emotions I was talking about earlier. Mila who told her fearlessly and shamelessly how much she wanted her. She told her how much she needed her (I need you more than I want to) and that she wasn't afraid to face it; the opposite of what Laur was doing ‘Been running from it’ that we find in the first verse. She felt neither ashamed nor afraid to admit all her feelings to such an extent that she would've been willing to even metaphorically scream it out (screamin' my lungs out for ya).

“Show me you're shameless”

Here she asked her to be as shameless as she was. Not to be afraid to admit her feelings like she was doing, and basically jump together; give themselves another chance.

“Write it on my neck, why don't ya?

And I won't erase it”

This is another powerful way to tell her she was hers. She was like: ‘you can even write on my neck who I belong to. Mark me’ (even with, you know, the mark of a bite or a hickey 😉). Another metaphor that lets us understand how like, almost desperate Mila was. How completely at her mercy she was.

Oh and, let's not forget the promo clip for the song. I mean, there's the front part of the neck, there are the side ones, but no. What did she choose? The back of it.

Aaand the new entry:

☝🏼 And that's the devil talking!! 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry guys, but that was just a joke since the one in the GIF is the actor who plays Lucifer in Supernatural 🙃.

“I need you more than I want to

Need you more than I want to”

And the repetition of how much she needed her. How much she wanted her.

Post-Chorus:

“No-oh, uh-uh, don't wanna do this now

No-oh, uh-uh, don't wanna do this now

No-oh, uh-uh, don't wanna do this now”

And this brings us back to what I explained earlier. How tired Mila was and how unbearable it was for her to repress and control her emotions. She didn't want to do it. She didn't want to repress anything anymore, and indeed, she didn't. She was shameless about it.

Bridge:

“Distance, inches in between us

I want you to give in, I want you to give in, oh

Weakness, tension in between us

I just wanna give in

And I don't care if I'm forgiven”

This part is much more physical and connects with the dreams one she was having. Only that this was the reality and not a dream of hers. The sexual tension was all there. As usual by the way, because that's something that has never changed between them. She wanted Laur to give in the same way she was giving in, and at that moment, the desire was so strong and powerful that she didn't even care if Laur forgave her. They would've thought about forgiveness and talked about everything after... If you know what I mean 😏.

And that's it, dear Anon 😊. This underrated masterpiece is precisely about, indeed, being shameless. Shameless is about taking action on repressed emotions. It's about being bold and shooting your shot. And as Mila herself said, it's about “loving with your heart open and not being afraid of it”.

🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍

Aaand I'm done 😜. Thank you all for your asks and I hope I've been helpful this time too 🙃. As usual, I'm always available for those who have questions, so ask away 😄.

Remember to be nice. Always. Both with others and with yourselves. Be a good example. Be patient. Be safe and take care of yourselves. Don't let our ship sink. Keep shipping them, but please respectfully 🙏🏼. Sending you virtual love and hugs 🤗🤗🤗. I love you, babies. Always with love, F ❤️.

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the-chicken-or-the-banana · 4 years ago

Text

part 1 of the andreil coming out thing here

ok, so andrew and neil aren't the most openly affectionate

there's no hints to the public that they could possibly be together, considering their little... rivalry

however, with andrew out now, a few people like to believe that andrew and neil could have an "enemies-to-lovers" situation

some people even think that they're already together

nevertheless, this is a very small population in the grand scheme of exy, and most of this is indulging in fantasies anyways — few people really believe in these theories

and as months pass after andrew's coming out, people stop pestering him every 0.2 seconds about who his boyfriend is

andrew and neil think they're finally free of all the annoying paparazzi and slightly overbearing fans

and it's under this false sense of security that shit hits the roof

it's a random september night when it happens, nothing terribly significant

but the whole week, andrew had been craving a closeness with neil, the kind that comes with not seeing your person for weeks

so he booked a flight to where neil was, realizing that had this occurred a few years back, andrew probably wouldn't have even acknowledged that he missed neil, let alone made steps to actually see him again

on a flight.

(he thinks bee would be proud)

anyway, he reached neil's apartment with minimal damage and proceeded to be drowned in kisses

it's a good few days.

and then, on that fateful september night, andrew is hit with the urge to take neil out

(not like murder. more like... a date?)

they don't usually go out on those, but it's not like they've never done so before

so andrew books a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant, fully intending to take his man out on a nice. fancy. relaxing. drama-free. date.

of course, the universe has other plans

andrew and neil arrive at the restaurant (a little late but neil's lips were a good distraction for a few hours, okay? (they may have left the kitchen in disarray from lunch, but that's irrelevant))

their table is a secluded corner where they're pretty much hidden from view, save for one or two tables, and the seemingly solid privacy relaxes andrew and neil

their dinner goes by relatively uneventfully

(excluding when andrew gave a small smile to one of neil's dumb jokes, who proceeded to dump marinara sauce into his water instead of next to his garlic bread while staring dreamily at andrew, and then nearly choked when he took his next sip from the glass)

(also excluding when neil gave a not-so-innocent suck on his fork and andrew, frustrated over laws about public indecency, stabbed his brussel sprouts aggressively, causing one to fly up and hit and burn his eye)

(also also excluding— )

ok, so maybe it was more of a mess than andrew was ready to admit

but andrew dug into his panna cotta feeling lighter than he had in weeks as neil teased him about his sugar addiction and held his hand under the table

it was as andrew leaned over and kissed some cream off the side of neil's lips that he got the feeling of being watched

he whirled around, hair nearly hitting neil's face, as his gaze landed on a cell phone camera pointed at them

he caught the eye of a very guilty looking man, made even more errant when said man proceeded to leap out of his chair and run out of the restaurant

andrew was half-out of his chair to follow him when neil tugged on his shirt sleeve, an instigative glint in his eye

"neil. do you want to see this on every gossip magazine in the next few hours?"

"well no, but that fuckwad is always going to have those pictures. we, however, can make sure he doesn't get the headline he wants"

"... i'm listening"

about 40 minutes later, back at neil's apartment, neil posts a picture of his extremely messy kitchen on twitter

@neil_josten_official: well fuck me 🥴

@03andrewminyard: if you insist

~ 30 minutes later ~

@neil_josten_official: *image attached: andrew is laying his head in the crook of neil's neck as neil kisses him on the top of his head, andrew's fingers running through neil's hair. they both appear to be shirtless*

@neil_josten_official: BREAKING NEWS: just had sex with my (very hot) boyfriend to get revenge on unfulfilled gossip "journalists." life really couldn't be better :)

@neil_josten_official: ok but really, stop trying to out closeted celebrities (and people in general). it's not cool. it's not trendy. our lives aren't a scandal to report on. you're all just assholes and fuck you

@neil_josten_official: but not literally. a metaphorical fuck, if you will

@exykevinday.official: I'm proud of you for coming out and finally ending your ridiculous rivalry @neil_josten_official and @03andrewminyard, but was there really no other way you could have done so without informing me about your sex life?

@03andrewminyard: haha. no.

needless to say, the internet erupts in shock at neil's tweets

theories emerge left and right about how, when, why andrew and neil got together

the two of them get requests for so many interviews, talk shows, panels, magazines, all of which they turn down

of course, there's the occasional question in a post-game or team interview that's hard to avoid, and for the most part, these rare moments provide the only things the public knows about what they affectionately call "andreil"

but apparently when you're in a very public relationship, there are certain expectations fans have about how much of it you disclose

and while andrew doesn't necessarily want to divulge their private life to millions of people, he also can't help but be reminded of how seeing nicky and erik's comfortable relationship in his late teenage years solidified to him that him liking guys wasn't a bad thing

and it's with that in mind that he posts a picture on his instagram from earlier in june of him and neil curled up on the sofa, a massive rainbow flag draped around them with neil kissing his cheek

it's one of the few pictures he posts of the two of them (photos are more of neil's thing (when the hell did he take such model-esque photos of andrew?))

but andrew constantly @'s neil on twitter for literally anything

@03andrewminyard: don't forget the cat food the spoiled idiots take the most expensive stuff @neil_josten_official

@03andrewminyard: hey @neil_josten_official get me the mega stuff oreos from the store ok bye

@03andrewminyard: i- @neil_josten_official. why. is. there. neon. orange. paint. all. over. my. socks.

needless to say, neil's retaliation of posting gorgeous photos of andrew always flusters andrew

and if andrew needs to press soft kisses to his lips to stop neil's gleeful laughter and his own flightful smile, well, that's no one's business

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uelden · 4 years ago

Text

Vanity Fair interview translated

Just a side note before the actual translation; I don't know why, but instead of reporting the full questions and answers in full as she should, the journalist decided to report only summarized fragments of what Måneskin said and patch these fragments up into messy clusters. She also worded a couple phrases in a very confusing way (and yes, she's fully Italian). In short, she did quite a poor job, so the final shape of the interview is not that good. I didn't expect top-tier journalism from Vanity Fair but ffs. You'll see what I mean.

I translated it as it is, adding just a couple footnotes to give you insight on Italian pop culture references.

Translation under the cut

Måneskin: "Different from whom?"

by Lavinia Farnese, 09 June 2021

"True justice is being judged for what you do and not for what you are." The ones who are convinced of this are Damiano, Victoria, Ethan and Thomas who, by being the emblem of a generation that is finally free, refuse labels and conformism. In life, in love and on the stage. Where, maybe precisely because of this, they're winning everything

With the still unexpected (first place at Sanremo Festival) and the incredible (triumph at Eurovision) in their eyes, Måneskin are on the sofa of the house-studio they rented - to resume writing songs and rehearsing them - like you are after a won battle: lying in a calm and unreal silence, alert and a bit irreverent, happy.

In the garden there's the tennis table and the pool, the light of summer when it's starting and calming the country all around, and it filters inside from the large windows, and it goes onto the shining black of Ethan's hair, which blends with Thomas' eye shadow and the butterfly he has tattooed oh his naked forearm, which completes the picture of Victoria's golden crucifix hanging between neck and tank top and ends on the black nail polish of Damiano's stretched hands.

It's a human fresco, a Theatre of wrath [translator's note: "Teatro d'ira"] - to call it with the title of their latest album, a platinum record already - where their flaunted 20 years of age, their irregular femininity and virility are grown into proud and challenging custom, a pop glam rock generational manifesto of hard-earned liberties in a finally-unconditional expression of the self.

To watch them from any angle and from another age is to think that a great love will be born in those who'll understand: this new way of being in the world, the true and sovereign realm they hold where "diversity=exceptionality", the power of the artistic and cultural revolution of which they are healthy carriers in establishing in all lyrics and gestures the right to live according to one's own nature past the "people (who) talk, the people (who) unfortunately talk, and don't know what the fuck they're talking about." [tn: "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

We go where we're afloat, where the air isn't gone. [tn: journalist's own variation on "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

Miley Cyrus says hi – The numbers of a phenomenon

"The streams of Zitti e buoni are growing by the second, and they bring us above Muse, at the top of English charts, twelfth in the Spotify Global Chart. Followers almost tripled, in the post-Rotterdam period (from 1,4 to 3,3 millions, ed.) Contagious and universal folly: t-shirts and merchandising sold out in 10 minutes. Like the records, the tickets for a tour that keeps adding dates and expanding over geographic maps. They're contacting us even from some festivals were The Rolling Stones went." Thomas

"After the pretextual controversy over cocaine that France built against us, later disproven by my drug test, some graffiti popped up in Spain depicting me as a “No drugs” poster guy. Some tweets made us laugh: "Congratulations, Italy! I've never been more certain that four people have had sex with each other." Miley Cyrus started following us -You're great. -You guys are greater." Damiano

From the garage to the stars – Story of a flight

"It was only 2016, and we played in restaurants, in the streets, in via del Corso. Damiano without even a microphone, Thomas' guitar with wonky strings, Ethan was drumming on a cajón. During Rome highschools' sit-ins (Kennedy, Virgilio, Mamiani) we had our first confirmations and half-hours of celebrity, playing among those who criticized us and those who went "wow they're really cool." One of the rare times when they would have paid us – 50 euros each – we gave the money to the next band in the lineup so that they would make us play in their spot, later in the day, when there would have been more people. We had already realized how things worked. Visibility mattered more than money. And we still think that." Victoria

The intimacy of rock – Choice of a genre

"Music allows us the miracle of extending to others some very personal and private topics, sometimes even difficult and thorny ones. They are and they remain deeply your own, but at the same time they become a confession that reaches a wider audience, and in this passage that is alike a delivery, they find a place in you as well, a processing of them. You overcome them, you accept them. One second it's something aggressive, the next it's a ballad. Cathartic». Damiano

Against panic – The stage as therapy

"I've suffered a lot from anxiety and panic attacks, it's an issue I've worked on thanks to a psychotherapy course, my friends and my family. Playing helped me in not letting myself be paralyzed by my fears, not making myself limited in my private and professional life. I've learned to accept, to live with this side of myself. I don't hide it. I don't feel ashamed of it." Victoria

Analysis as necessity – Relying on someone saves you

"This belief that only madmen go to the psychologist is a widespread ignorance. No-one's born learned. [tn: common Italian saying] And it's often hard to understand the very reason why we're here, let alone the origin and direction of our desires. It's a long and legitimate journey towards lucidity, a kind of backing to become transparent." Damiano

Being out of our minds – But different from them [tn: "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

"When you feel a strong passion towards something that is not a canonical job but an artistic language, that already puts you on a level of anomaly, which is not superior or inferior to other people, but it puts you in the position of the one who breaks the mold and also works at a loss, the one who sustains great risks while trying to do something that who knows if it will take you anywhere. "Why do it if it doesn't pay?". You want to give this dream of yours an aesthetic, but it becomes "You're dressing so weird! You must be gay!" - now that I'm 22 I laugh about it, but when I was 17 it had an effect on me, too." Damiano

The beauty of uniqueness – Of believing in it and defending it

"And I mean, at the end of the day if we're all different it's not because we want be alternative but because, really, no-one is the same. Justice is being judged on what you do and not what you are. Justice is equality, respect, beauty." Ethan

Fluid sexuality – Pride is freedom

"Heels for men that like themselves in them, kisses among ourselves, we have an open, extended mind, and we're proud of it. The horizons become vast, past the oppression of conservative families. With the information on the web knowledge becomes greater and with it the possibility that minorities will be less and less minorities, because the majority will be less of a majority. This way we'll make insults and bullying grow quieter. If social media get to a village of 50 souls and reveal to a girl who's afraid of the dark that someone has felt her same fear, then there's no reason to give a name to that fear, to mark it with labels which also limit and restrict. Definitions always had this effect on me. You shouldn't even consider the gender when judging someone, let alone their orientation." Victoria

Sexism – A culture to be dismantled

"Emma [tn: Emma Marrone, Italian singer] drops the bomb: “At Eurovision when I was there they massacred me for a pair of shorts, while they said nothing to Damiano – bare-chested and in heels.” The easy judgment against women is more fierce, constant, debasing (if I have a lot of sex I'm cool while Vic is a whore, where I show myself strong I'm a leader while Vic is despotic and a pain in the ass who reached success because she's hot.) As a male I'm privileged, the abuse I get is not comparable to those a woman has to live through, the comments over my aesthetic are centered only on my aesthetic and don't insinuate anything about my professionalism and my competence, while women are victims of this kind of thought in a systematic way. It happened though to find myself standing with a woman who while pulling me to herself to take a selfie, started licking my face out of the blue... I mean, what the hell do you want? Who asked you? Consent exists, and it's due." Damiano

Grow yourself – The only commandment

"To me conformism is the opposite of education [tn: could also mean "politeness"] and is the asphyxia of expression. I fortunately never endured heavy bullying, heavy enough for the the judgement of others to change me. But the mold of the small crumbs of bullying I got and of the kind of aggression that scars is the same. If I'm a kid who dances and likes dolls you have to let me do what I like. I was a kid who wanted to keep his hair long and played with Barbie. As a teen, my friends looked at my hair: " You have to find a girl with short hair to be at your side." My grandparents took away my dolls: "Stop it, they're not for you." Ethan

"When I was six I was already sick of them, the distinctions between masculine and feminine. I've always had strong ideas about how I wanted to be. I refused things that were typically defined as girly, and all around me they mocked me because I went skateboarding, I played soccer, I didn't wear skirts, I was giving myself the chance to be as I wished. I endured it a little, I suffered a little, but I had courage, and now thanks to that courage I know that I could have gotten even much more hurt, otherwise I would have left to others the most important choice: the one about myself." Victoria

Love in progress – Music, girlfriends

"I've been married to music for the last 20 years. I can't wait to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary." Ethan

"Everyone makes their own experiences, sometimes it goes well, sometimes it goes wrong, but it's always not anybody's business." Thomas

"When I first felt feelings and attraction towards a girl it was a bit disorienting because I had never had the courage of going beyond the limitations I had put for myself. For society being heterosexual is the norm and so you often define yourself in that way automatically, depriving yourself of the freedom to live many shades and faces of love. Once I overcame the initial insecurity of having to call into question my certainties I've lived my sexuality in a very natural and free way, as it should be for everyone." Victoria

"I had paparazzi at my door every day and night. So, after four years of relationship, I revealed her name. I still have paparazzi at my door every day and nigh, but at least I don't have to hide anything anymore." Damiano

The worth of the group – Phenomenology of protection

"The true engagement though, the true family is among ourselves, our band. We've believed in it since day zero, even before we called ourselves Måneskin (Moonlight in Danish), even before Ethan drew a giant moon on the flier for the first concert we ever did. We share everything, even the pain for the tragedy of Seid Visin, who committed suicide at 20 because of racism. [tn: I think the journalist asked them their opinion about Seid Visin's death, which was a current events topic in Italy, and then pasted it syntaxically in the middle of Thomas' answer, which was not a great move] A group is what we all should be: stay united and not back down an inch in the face of oppression that is generated by a distorted view of diversity." Thomas

I'm not of the right age – Like Gigliola [tn: Gigliola Cinquetti won Eurovision with her song "Non ho l'età", which means "I'm not of the right age"]

"Before you the only one who won both Sanremo and Eurovision on the same year was Cinquetti (1964). If there's anything I feel I'm not of the right age for? No, honestly no. Maybe having children. Regarding children I'll be honest: I'm not of the right age." Damiano

Having touched the sky – The fears that remain

"We're more than inside the dream, we're in the conquered dream. When you fly high there's the risk of plummeting and hurting yourself, but we'll work hard not to end up like Icarus, who burns his wings with the sun. Everything is in our hands. And this - a bit pretentiously - reassures us rather than scaring us." Damiano

#maneskin #måneskin #vanity fair #italian #translation

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golbrocklovely · 4 years ago

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remember me // colby brock (pt 2)

A/N: as i mentioned before in a different post, this took me FOREVER to write. i loved writing this story but something about it just made me drag it out for so long. nonetheless, i love this and i'm excited to see what you all think. please lmk what you thought about this. thank you to everyone that has supported me and sent me kind messages. yall are the best ! hope you enjoy :) also lmk if you want another part...

prompt: she's the only one that remembers colby, or so they both thought.

trigger warning: ANGST, heartbreak, AU mention, friendship problems, cursing, happy-ish ending (but not the end...?), kissing

word count: 5526

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Colby was relieved that the waitress, the only one that remembered him, decided to help. The moment she agreed, Colby gave her his number and left. She texted him not too long after, and he realized for a moment she never said her name. He planned to ask her the next day when they decided to meet up at his place.

It was weird to come back to his apartment, knowing that down the hall his best friend, his brother, lived there and didn't know who he was. Usually when Colby felt lonely, he would walk down the hall to Sam's and hang out for a bit. It was always nice to talk to Sam about anything and everything.

But now... he couldn't do that.

Colby tried to sleep during the night, but barely any rest came from it. He tossed and turned, hoping that when he would wake up, this would all just be some weird-ass nightmare.

When his cell phone rang the next morning at 9:34 A.M., it was an unfamiliar ringtone. As he rubbed his eyes awake, he glanced at the caller, the name 'Waitress' appearing on his screen.

I guess this wasn’t a dream after all.

"Yeah?" Colby groaned, squinting his eyes at the sunlight.

Her voice came through cheery, the tone too loud in Colby’s ears. “Let me up to your apartment. I'm here.”

He cleared his throat. “This early?”

“I figured you would want your normal life back as soon as possible, yeah?” She sassed.

He rolled his eyes. “Alright, give me a second. I'll come down and get you.”

Colby stumbled out of bed, running his fingers through his hair as he threw on a random shirt and jeans, slowly trudging down to the lobby of his apartment. She sat on a couch, tapping her foot against the carpeted floors. Her eyes were staring out the door, almost like she was looking at someone. When she heard Colby’s footsteps, her gaze pulled away from outside.

“Did I wake you?” She frowned, grabbing her bag next to her and standing up.

He shook his head. “You can't really be woken up if you barely slept.”

“I'm sorry to hear that.” She lightly bit her lip, following Colby to the elevator.

He shrugged tiredly. “It's okay.”

They both slowly got into the elevator, climbing up to Colby's floor. The loud 'ding' of the elevator broke their silence moments later. They walked to Colby's apartment, and he unlocked his door quickly.

She whistled quietly. “Woah, nice place.”

A half smile spread across Colby’s face. “Thanks.”

“No offense, but how do you pay for this place if you're not a social media person?” She questioned, stepping into the kitchen.

He raised an eyebrow. “That's... a good question. From what my mom told me over the phone yesterday, I worked all throughout high school and college, so maybe it's from that?”

“You only worked at Dairy Queen while you were in high school. You must have gotten a better job in college because there is no way you can afford this place.” She disagreed.

Colby smirked. “How'd you know I worked at Dairy Queen?”

“Well, for starters, my friend told me. And also, I did some research about you. But I'll get to that in a second.” She continued, her voice falling to a serious tone, “So... would you like to hear my theories?”

“Theories?” He puzzled.

“As to why everyone forgot about you.” The waitress explained.

Colby sat down on his barstool, exhaling. “Let's hear it.”

“Okay. For argument sakes, you're gonna have to just go with me on this. Because otherwise, I literally have no way to help you.” She started, already pacing slightly.

He cautioned. “...okay?”

“So last night, I tried to think of a reason why everyone would collectively forget about you. And the only conclusion I could come up with is that you're in an alternative universe.” She hypothesized.

Colby’s eyes widened, bugging out of his head. “A what?”

“An alternative universe. Basically, everything is pretty much the same in your life, except a few minor details,” she revealed. “That’s why you still live in this apartment, but you didn’t get here the same way you did in your other life, your real life.”

“This... it's way too early for this.” He grumbled, astonished.

She sighed, her hands resting on her hips. “The only other option is that this is a very long-winded prank that your friends are still pulling on you. Have you tried talking to any of your other friends besides Sam?”

“No, everyone else’s number is gone in my phone, which I can only assume means they don’t know me either.” Colby retorted. Then he took a deep breath as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “But, this doesn't make sense. How did I end up here if this isn't my life?”

“I’m not sure how you got here, but I think you’re here for a specific reason. I think you’re here to right a wrong that this Colby Brock did. I’m just… not entirely sure what that wrong might be.” She answered, unsure.

He huffed. “Okay… what am I supposed to do then? Stay here and hope we figure that out soon? I don't even know who I am in this universe.”

“And that's where my research comes into play.” She pulled a laptop from her bag quickly, placing it down on the counter and opening it. She scrolled through her browsers until she came across Colby's Facebook, which surprisingly looked active for someone who hadn't been personally on it in years.

I use Facebook? Gross.

“First, I started by seeing if you and Sam were friends on here, but that didn’t amount to much since Sam doesn’t have a Facebook. However, what I found out is that you and Sam did live in the same town, go to the same high school, and played in the same marching band. Sam talked about his early years before he was ‘famous’ in one of the first videos he posted, and I crossed referenced that with your profile and it all matches up.” She informed.

“That's strange,” he mumbled. “What did we do after high school?”

She stated. “You went off to college and majored in Business Management with a minor in Philosophy. You graduated early too.”

Me? Graduating early? I couldn’t even get through math without Sam’s help.

“What did Sam do?” He asked.

The waitress scrolled to another tab, opening it to show a search of Sam. “Well, a very quick Google search shows that he actually went to the same college as you but dropped out once his Vine career started to pick up. Then he went on to Musical.ly when Vine died. He moved out to LA in 2017 and started a YouTube channel after he met Katrina, and slowly met all of his- your, friends that way. He got a bump of followers once he started dating Kat because of her following.”

Colby’s mouth gaped at her words. “That can't be true. He would have never wanted that. I mean, I had to convince him that we should be on social media so that we could spread our message. Plus, he hates those channels that use their relationship for views.”

“Not this version of Sam. Or at least, it doesn't seem like it.” She commented.

He covered his face, groaning into his hands. “What the hell am I here for? What wrong have I done in this universe?”

Her voice low, she replied. “I think it might have to do with Sam.”

“But... he doesn't know me.” He dissented, sitting up.

She nodded. “I thought so too. However, after scrolling through all of your public photos, I found this.”

Colby squinted at the screen, an old photo of him and Sam stared back. They looked super young, probably sophomores in high school. They were both smiling, laughing at something. He vaguely remembered this day.

“So, we did know each other.” He bit his lip softly.

She hummed. “Yeah. And weirdly, it’s the only photo of the two of you on your profile. But it’s not the only strange thing.”

Scrolling to a different tab, she pulled up an old tweet of Sam’s. It read ‘Never thought you would be the one to hurt me. But I guess everyone can be surprising.’

Colby noted the date. “That was back in high school.”

“Yeah, and there’s a bunch like them. He talks about being betrayed and someone hurting him deeply. He never mentions, of course. But his tweets line up with some that you were tweeting at the same time.” She confessed.

The waitress clicked on a different tab and another tweet showed up, one from Colby’s account. He gazed at it, reading the words ‘If you hate me… imagine how I feel about myself.’

Colby’s face dropped. “Wait, what?”

“You don’t tweet that often, but when you do, you talk about righting wrongs and fixing things you fucked up.” She added, “You also hate on yourself a lot.”

He doubted, crossing his arms. “You think they’re connected?”

“I do. I think in this universe you fucked up somehow and hurt Sam. And I think you are here now to fix what the other you did.” She explained.

He ranted. “This is all so fucked! When I saw him yesterday, he acted like he didn’t even know me. How am I supposed to even go about this? What, do I just go down the hall and apologize for something I don’t even remember doing?”

“No. Sam's not in his apartment anyway. I saw him leave while I was waiting for you.” She mentioned nonchalantly.

He grunted. “Great, he could be anywhere in LA right now.”

“I know exactly where he is.” She smirked.

“What? How?” He questioned.

The waitress divulged. “This version of Sam has a favorite restaurant he goes to all the time. A lot of his fans know about it, thus one look through any of his fan accounts and you'll see it. It's called ‘Paradise’.”

“Sounds like a strip club.” Colby deadpanned.

She pouted. “It's not. But he goes there all the time, and I got us a table there last minute.”

“What exactly are we gonna do when we get there?” He crossed his arms.

“I was planning on going up to his table and talking to him, maybe asking him about you, see how he reacts.” She described.

Colby furrowed his brow, confused. “And what about me?”

She slid her laptop into her bag, zipping it up hastily. “Well… I didn’t really think that far ahead. But hopefully, whatever you did is forgivable, and we can just fix it right there.”

He murmured. “That's a lot to hope for.”

“It's better than sitting here and wasting daylight.” She grabbed her stuff and headed for the door. Colby followed suit, grabbing his keys.

He spoke as he locked his door. “What if this doesn’t work?”

She turned back to him. “It will. It has to.”

~~~

Paradise was a themed restaurant, which Colby thought was strange because his Sam never really liked those types of restaurants. The theme was nice, however, tropical and Hawaiian. It felt like something he, Sam, and a few friends would have gone to after a fun, drunk night.

As Colby and the waitress were escorted to their table, they both kept an eye out for Sam, glancing around nervously for the blonde boy.

“I think the worst thing about this universe version of me is how messy my car is,” Colby joked. “It’s like I live out of it.”

She shrugged, smiling. “It wasn’t that bad.”

“You should see my real car. My honey wagon is spotless.” He expressed, waving his hand.

“Honey wagon?” She queried.

“Long story,” he chuckled. Then abruptly, he gasped. “Holy shit, I just realized I never got your name.”

She cocked her head. “What? I never told you?”

He blinked. “No.”

She started. “It's-”

“Hi, I'm Tony, I'll be your server for today. Can I get you something to drink to start you guys off?” Tony greeted, cutting her off.

“Yeah, sure. A water for me.” She blurted out.

Colby added. “Coke, please.”

Tony smiled. “Okay, coming right up.”

Once Tony left, the waitress started scoping out for Sam again, her eyes widening once she saw him.

Her body stiffened, turning back to Colby. “He's over there, three tables down to your left.”

Colby gazed over his shoulder at his friend. Sam looked lost in thought, staring at his phone as he ate his food.

“Why is he alone?” He muttered.

“From some of the blogs I read, he likes to go out and eat by himself. Also, apparently, him and Kat are on the rocks.” She admitted.

“They love each other so much, it's kinda gross to be around them sometimes,” He quipped, but shook his head. “So to hear that...”

“I'm gonna head over.” She announced quickly.

Before he could speak, she left the booth. Colby watched her walk over to Sam, listening closely to their conversation as he ducked his head down.

“Hey... sorry to bother you, but are you Sam Golbach?” She asked sweetly.

“Yeah I am. Did you want something?” Sam stared blankly at her.

“Um, yeah?” She almost scoffed at his tone. “I’m a huge fan and I know this might be a weird question, but do you know someone named Colby Brock?”

Sam’s face remained stoic, but his eyes intensified. “No, I've never heard of that name before.”

“Are you sure, because I'm pretty certain that you and him are best friends.” She insisted.

He raised an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?”

Colby watched nervously as she pulled out her phone and showed Sam the photo. Sam scrunched up his face, his eyes scanning the image. “Yeah, no. Still don’t know who he is. What was his name again?”

“Colby Brock.” She stated.

“...Sorry. I’ve never heard a name like that before.” He mumbled, almost inaudibly. “Sounds stupid anyway.”

She cocked her head. “Wait, what?”

Colby clenched his fist, unable to hear this conversation any longer. He needed to come face-to-face with Sam. He slid out of his seat, walking hastily over to Sam and the waitress. Sam’s eyes narrowed as he gaped at Colby.

“Sam…” Colby started.

Sam growled. “Are you fucking serious, Colby? Did you really have to get one of my fans involved?”

“What?” Colby puzzled.

Sam jumped out of his seat, grabbing Colby’s arm and pulling him out of the restaurant. The waitress followed behind them, confused just as much as Colby. Sam’s feet stopped behind the back door of the building, turning to Colby without warning.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Sam barked.

Colby stepped back, surprised by Sam’s anger. “...Uh, I don’t know what you mean by that.”

Sam scoffed. “Why the fuck are you here? After all this time?”

“So, you do remember me.” Colby remarked.

“Yeah, I do. When you showed up at my place yesterday, it took me a minute to realize it was you, since you decided to dress up like a Hot Topic employee, but yeah, I knew it was you. Are you really gonna pretend in front of her that we don’t know each other?” Sam teared his eyes away from Colby’s, staring at the waitress suddenly. “Let me guess, he hasn’t told you the whole story, right?”

“I guess not.” She shrugged uncomfortably.

Sam chuckled darkly. “Of course not. If he told the whole story, he would have to admit he was an asshole, and God knows he’s not gonna do that.”

“What are you talking about?” Colby panted.

“Do you not remember? Well, I’ll give you a refresher. You and I became friends freshman year of high school. You were my best friend and I was yours. I trusted you. I trusted you with a lot of shit that I’ve never told anyone. Senior year of high school, right before we were about to graduate, right as we were starting a social media career, suddenly you don’t want anything to do with me; which would have been bad enough, but then I go and find out you and my girlfriend were hooking up behind my back,” Sam snapped, catching his breath for a moment. “So yeah, I remember you, Colby.”

Colby’s mouth fell open, his breathing speeding up.

None of this sounds like me. I would never hurt Sam like that.

“And now, you have the fucking audacity to show up when everything in my life is going great and I’m succeeding. I have fans, friends, and a girlfriend that all love and care about me, and you’re here trying to what? Stir up drama? Get some clout from me?” He demanded.

“If your friends and girlfriend love you, why are you eating all alone?” The waitress jeered.

Sam glared at her, biting his tongue. “And you made one of my fans hate me. Dope, dude.”

“Sam, look; I’m sorry for what I did. But that was years ago. I’m not who I was back then.” Colby choked out.

“I don’t care. I don’t want you in my life. Do you not understand what you did to me?” Sam persisted.

“I know I was an asshole, and I apologize for ever hurting you like that. But I miss you, and I want to work things out. Let me prove to you that I’m better.” He trembled, getting closer to Sam.

Sam backed up, blocking Colby. “No. No! You don’t get to miss me. You don’t get to miss a relationship you fucked up. It took me years to trust again. Hell, I’m still going through it. You don’t get to decide whether or not you’re in my life. Not anymore.”

“Sam… please.” Colby whimpered.

“Don’t show up at my place again. Don’t talk to my fans about me. Don’t act like you care about me. Because I’m done,” Sam stared into Colby’s eyes before going back into the restaurant. “I don’t care about you. Fuck off forever and leave me alone.”

Sam’s words punched Colby hard, taking the breath out of him instantly. He caught himself against the wall, his legs turning to gelatin under his weight.

He stuttered. “I… gotta leave. I-I have to…”

“Colby, relax. It’s gonna be okay.” She grabbed his hand.

He shook off her embrace. “What? No it’s not! Did you not hear what he said? Why would he want to be friends with a piece of shit like me?!”

“You were eighteen when this all happened. Give yourself a break.” She argued.

“No. I’m fucking terrible. This version of me is terrible. Of course he doesn’t want to be friends with me! I don’t even want to be me.” His voice quivered with anger, his body racing away from her.

She furrowed her brows, trying to keep up with him. “Where are you going?”

“I just need to leave. I can’t be here right now!” He grunted, his pace picking up.

She called after him, but Colby didn’t care. His heart slammed against his chest over and over again. Tears weld up into his eyes, blurring his vision as he began to run. He wanted to keep running until his legs gave out, until he couldn’t remember all the words Sam had said to him.

It dawned to Colby how much worse this universe was.

He wasn’t just stuck in a universe where Sam didn’t know him.

He was stuck in a universe where Sam didn’t want to know him.

In a universe where Sam didn’t love him.

And he had no way of escaping.

Colby must have blacked out while he ran, somehow maintaining to stay upright, because once his thoughts started to subside, and his body basically gave out under him, he noticed he was in a part of LA he had never been before. Some random neighborhood that was unfamiliar.

He shoved his body up against a metal telephone pole, sliding down to the ground. He tried catching his breath, gulping back breaths as he forced down the nausea overwhelming his senses. He wiped his face with his sleeve, feeling more tears rush down his cheeks.

His throat and chest burned with each sharp inhale. He whimpered into his hands, covering his face from the slowly retreating sun.

He slid his phone out of his pocket once he caught his breath, calling the only number he knew.

“Hey honey. What’s up?” His mom’s voice rang back sweetly.

Colby’s voice was monotone, exhausted. “You know who Sam is, don’t you?”

The line went quiet for a moment, all Colby could hear was her light breath.

“You told me not to talk about him. After you two stopped being friends, you said you never wanted to hear his name again.” She exhaled deeply, “I was taken aback when you asked about him yesterday.”

“He’s out here… in LA.” He responded.

She gasped lightly. “Did you run into him?”

He laughed bitterly. “You could say that.”

“Oh, Colby. I’m so sorry.” His mother consoled.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, mama. I just…” Colby trailed off, unable to explain.

“Why don’t you come home this weekend?” She offered. “I miss you, you know.”

“I would love to. But…” His chest heaved as hot tears drifted down his cheeks. “That’s not my home.”

“Nonsense. You will always have a home here.” She assured him, her voice almost trembling.

He wiped a fallen tear, a broken smile coming to his face. “That’s good to know. I love you.”

She hummed. “I love you too, baby. Call me again soon.”

“I will. Bye.” He uttered breathlessly.

The sky was getting darker and darker, and Colby remained against the phone pole. He didn’t know how much time had passed, but suddenly his phone vibrated, a new message from ‘Waitress’ asking where he was. He sent his location, and she arrived twenty minutes later in his car. He stood up, stumbling to his passenger door. His legs were weak from the sprinting he had just done. As he got in, the cool AC blasted the sweat and tears off his face.

They didn’t speak, a quiet radio station playing in the background the only sound. She drove through the hills of LA, eventually hitting a peak. She parked the car as it overlooked LA, the lights looking like stars on the horizon.

She got out a minute later, walking over to the hood and leaning against it. He could see something in her hand but didn’t recognize it. Colby sat in the car by himself, not able to physically move his body from how exhausted he felt. Eventually, he achingly stepped out of the car, sitting next to her on the hood.

“I’m fucked.” Colby breathed.

She started. “I don’t think-”

“Please don’t try to make me feel better. I know you mean well, but I am fucked,” he rebutted, his voice dark. “I’m stuck here, in this universe, where Sam hates me. And as if that weren’t bad enough, I did terrible things, things I know I would never do to him. How the fuck am I supposed to apologize for those mistakes? I wouldn’t take him back if the roles were reversed.”

“Read this.” The waitress stated, handing him a journal.

He glanced down at the leather-bound book, slightly faded from years of writing. He unclicked the lock and opened it, looking down at the pages. It was his, a journal full of writings he had done.

“Where did you get this?” He inquired.

“You were right about your car being messy. But you’d be surprised what you fine if you just look.” She teased.

Colby read over the words, the first entry catching his eye. It was dated a year after him and Sam had graduated high school.

Sam is succeeding without me. I knew he would. He was always so smart when it came to business decisions. He just hit 10k followers on Vine. That’s crazy!

“What the hell is this?” Colby questioned.

She answered quickly. “This whole journal was you keeping up with Sam without him knowing. This version of you always paid attention to what he was doing, even if you guys were no longer friends.”

“I’m obsessed with Sam? That’s great.” He deadpanned.

“You’re not obsessed with Sam. Read this entry.” She skipped a handful of pages, finally stopping on one and showing it to him.

I hate myself everyday for the hurt I caused Sam. I can’t believe what an idiot I was back when I was 18. We could have gone so far together… but I had to go and fuck it up.

He scowled. “Am I supposed to be sad for myself?”

“Keep reading.” She pushed.

The night I chose to never speak to Sam again, I knew I made the wrong decision. But I had to. Sam was ready to go on and do bigger and better things. I was just gonna hold him back. I was terrified of failing, not only myself, but him. He deserves success. That’s why I had to ignore him. I have never been as smart as him. I would have ruined our chances of doing something great. And I have been proven right by how far he has gone without me.

“You stopped being his friend because you were scared, not because you didn’t care anymore.” She repeated.

He slid off the car, scoffing. “So what if I was scared to fail? Sam didn’t deserve the hurt I caused just because of that. And what about me cheating with his girlfriend?”

She jumped off the car, striding up to Colby. She grabbed the journal from his hand. “You didn’t cheat, look.”

She pointed at the bottom of the page, his eyes following her finger.

“Me and Lexi were never together! I hate her for telling him that. One night, they had a really big fight and she came over to my house to ask what she should do. I told her to break up with him if she really didn’t care anymore. And then she tried to hit on me. I told her off and threatened to tell Sam, but she got to him first. She must have told him her and I were together.” The waitress read aloud.

“Wait, if I never hooked up with his girlfriend, why wouldn’t I tell him that?” Colby hissed.

“I think at that point, you wanted the friendship to be over, and I think this solidified it.” The waitress responded.

“All this time I could have been friends with Sam, but I ruined it because I was scared? What a fucking idiot.” He spat.

“You weren’t an idiot,” She interjected. “You just disliked yourself so much you didn’t think you deserved happiness. At least now you know that this version of you isn’t as terrible as you thought.”

“Even with that being the case, Sam’s never gonna accept my apology. Why should he?” Colby lamented, “I let him down the worst ways. I broke his trust and loyalty.”

She shook her head, stepping towards him. “Give him some time. You might be surprised."

Before Colby could speak, his phone rang. He took his phone out of his pocket and looked at the number. It looked familiar, but he couldn’t place it.

“Hello?” He answered.

“Did you really mean it when you said you were sorry?” Sam spoke, his tone hesitant, but dry.

His breath hitched at the sound of Sam’s voice. “Of course. I never meant to hurt you, Sam.”

Sam paused for a moment, before breathing out. “I’m giving you one more chance. Tomorrow. Come by my place. You apparently know where I live.”

“Yeah,” Colby laughed awkwardly. “I’ll come by. Thank you… Sam.”

“Don’t thank me yet. I’ll see you later.” Sam stated, hanging up.

Once the call ended, Colby’s eyes stared down at his phone widely. He almost couldn’t believe that happened.

He inhaled sharply. “Sam just called me. He wants to meet me tomorrow.”

“That’s great.” Her voice just above a whisper.

“He wants to hear me out… he wants to give me another chance.” His face dropped with confusion. “How did he get my number?”

It hit Colby like a brick as he gazed up at the waitress, who bit her lip hiding her smile. “You…?”

“You weren’t the first person I showed the journal to,” she explained. “When you ran off, I was gonna go after you. As I got in your car, I saw this journal sticking out from under your seat. I read through it and… I knew I had to show Sam. I went back in and talked to him for an hour, showing him how much you were actually sorry. How much you had beat yourself up over hurting him. And then I gave him your number. I wasn’t sure if he was gonna call but-”

“Oh my God, you’re amazing!” Colby ran up to her, grabbing her by the waist and spinning her around. She gripped his shoulders tightly as they spun, laughing loudly into his ear. As her feet touched the ground, he stared into her eyes, his smile the brightest she had ever seen it. His hands glided up her body to her face, cupping her cheeks quickly. He smashed his lips against hers, his heart pounding as he did. Her hands lowered to his chest, her grasp on his shirt tightened as she felt herself lose her footing and back up into the car.

As they stumbled, he realized what he was doing, pulling away quickly. “Shit… I’m sorry. I-I shouldn’t have-”

“No, it’s okay,” She giggled. “I’m just… surprised.”

He exhaled, letting his arms fall away from her body. “Me too.”

They leaned against the car, keeping a slight distance from each other. A light blush rested on both their faces; however, it was hard to see with the setting sun, something they were both grateful for.

The waitress sighed, breaking the moment of silence. “I think I know why this happened. Why I was the only one who remembered you…”

He raised an eyebrow, slightly side-eyeing her. “Really?”

“I lied to you when we first met. I wanted to seem a bit cooler than I am, but I don’t think I can hide that anymore.” She began, nervously.

Colby’s face relaxed a little, surprised at her words. “Okay.”

“My friend didn’t introduce me to you guys… I introduced her… to you.” She confessed.

A soft grin came to his face. “I had a feeling.”

She rolled her eyes. “No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did! I totally did,” he snickered. “Not every fan knows I worked at Dairy Queen. And… no average fan would have helped me get Sam back the way you did.”

“I think there’s a reason for all of this. I think in your universe, your life… you don’t know me.” Her voice dropped suddenly, making Colby turn to her.

“That’s true, I don’t.” He nodded.

Her eyes met his, a sad glint reflecting in the moonlight. “But I think the reason for that is because… you’re not supposed to.”

“What do you mean?” He replied, his face twisting in confusion.

“I think you and I are only supposed to have met here, in this universe. But not in yours.” She glared up at the sky, “Maybe in some weird way, I’m your guardian or guide or something.”

Colby’s thoughts raced. “So, what you’re saying is-“

“This might be the last time you’ll ever see me. You did what you had to do. You got Sam and you to talk again.” Her voice cracked as she held back tears, “You can go home.”

He grabbed her hands, holding them close to his body. “But… I don’t want to leave if it means I don’t know you.”

A hitched breath fell from her lips, a smile appearing from his words. “If we’re meant to be, we’ll see each other again.”

“That’s not fair.” He shook his head, a deep frown settling on his face.

“I know, but it’s how it has to be.” She whispered.

He rested his forehead against her, breathing deeply. “Can I… get one more kiss?”

She bit her lip softly. “I thought you’d never ask.”

They leaned in, his breath fanning across her lips for a split second before he pulled away.

“Wait…” He shuddered. “I never got your name.”

A soft smile came to her lips. “I’ll tell you after.”

His arms wrapped around her, pressing her body into his as their lips collided. He held onto her for dear life, terrified that the moment he pulled away, she would be gone.

He could feel things around him slow down, almost melting away, but he couldn’t tell if it was from the beauty of their kiss making him dizzy. A whirling silence overcame his senses. A burning sensation sliced through his abdomen; his breath ripped from his lungs.

A heavy darkness overtook his vision and for the briefest of moments, he felt absolutely nothing.

Except her lips.

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