#also she yelled at anyone who was using my deadname and told them to stop using it

[a1sart]

one of my coworkers scratched out my deadname from something at work and replaced it with my name. I didn't even say anything she just did that I wasn't even there when she did that

anyway WHAT IF I CRIED??? OUGJHAHFUHDNS

[enbeemagical]

I need need need to know about Destiny please 🥹🥹

AIIII OKIE buckle in it's a bit of a ride

(the second one of those is them as a little kid, the other two they're more grown up)

They're human, fully an ordinary human up until they're not. Ordinary, I mean

They realized at about 13 that they were queer, and absolutely did not tell anyone and also tried to repress it bc they were raised to believe queer was Bad and Evil and blah blah blah (this is the emperor's fault and one of many reasons to hate him. he likes conformity and everyone doing what he says). That secrecy led to them also keeping their magic very very secret when it came in at 14.

Four years later they met a pretty faerie and kissed her. She was the first queer person they'd met, and they promptly ran away with her (this is when they choose the name Destiny) and got adopted into the same werewolf pack that'd taken her in. They are still keeping their magic secret, but now that they're dating a girl they start slipping more into their true self-- first a haircut, then 'pretending' to be a boy, to actually being a boy for a bit...

...to meeting a crow with no concept of human gender and figuring out they like 'they' best

Also by then they've half-accidentally revealed their magic. which is like. really fuckin powerful and also super rare bc everyone else with it gets taken away by the Emperor of the world and no one ever hears from them again

also the werewolves who adopted Destiny? are working with a network of rebels who are trying to take down the emperor. and they want Destiny's help. Des agrees, mainly bc they don't want to live in a world where they can't be true to themself, and they can help make things better

Annyyyways there is now a song about them (which I had to write, help (and then my friend is writing music for bc aaaaaa)) (in-story Vida wrote it)

their powers include: teleportation, elemental control (mainly fire bc they have a fire demon teacher, but they've also done earth and ice), transformation (another of their teachers is a werewolf), illusion, communication with their familiar, Nayan (the aforementioned crow- whose concept of gender is 'some of us lay eggs idk'), healing people, magically cleaning things (they used to always do the dishes this way), and yelling at people in power (Nayan calls this a threat display. Destiny calls it stop screwing with me Nox).

Other fun little things!

-given the language that we use, Des would probably id as nonbinary and bi/pansexual (partly depends on When storywise bc rn they're the only enby they know). as is they id as "I'm not a boy or a girl I'm a they" and "idk there are pretty people but the prettiest is Vida"

-their newest nickname for their girlfriend, Vida, is "meri jaan", or "my life". the first time they call her that is after Vida gets arrested for singing about Destiny. bc singing about how the king of the world is "a coward and a fucking fraud" and is going to get beaten by a young upstart mage is treason, who knew

-(they're so absolutely furious about this btw. it's very sweet)

-Destiny keeps being impulsive but it keeps working out so

-:)))

-I've said this before and I'll say it again: I love how Destiny was raised being told "don't give your name to strangers bc faeries can use it to steal you away" and then the first faerie they meet they try TWICE to give her their name and she says no (it's their deadname but it wasn't at that point)

-in a modern AU Des would be Indian or Indian-American and an activist, but I haven't figured out for exactly what. probably for queer rights, at least at first

-Destiny is 19 at the point I am in writing

-Nayan likes to call them "my Destiny" and when they speak out loud (as crows can do) they always choose Destiny's voice to speak with

-they like having long hair, but they do NOT like getting mistaken for a girl. After The Haircut that helps them realize some gendery stuff, they grow their hair out again even longer than before

-@plumblueflower had a part in making Des the way they are. specifically the Indian-coding bit <3

picrews

1: https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/69653

2: https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/186583

3: https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/1944831

[epicene-humanoid]

some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times. 

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through). 

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

 and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode. 

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that. 

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous. 

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

[axemetaphor]

im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight” celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

[writterings]

hey, just so ur reply to the ghost question and...

would u mind sharing some of ur paranormal experiences?? i'm a sucker for those even tho i myself don't really believe in them.

it's okay if u dont wanna share, i'm just curious!

have a great week :)

yeah totally

here are my top paranormal experiences:

when i was like 3, the house down the street from me burned down and unfortunately, two little kids around my age died in it. i didn’t know anyone in my town since my parents sent me to private school and everyone else went to public school, so i didn’t know these kids at all. however, like a few days after this happened, my mom found me in the “scary room” of my house (aka the guest bedroom i never go in because of the bad vibes) and i was playing with some “imaginary friends” who just happened to have the same exact names as the kids who died in the fire. it made my mom cry and she told me to tell them to “go home” so i did and i never saw them again. 

i remember arguing with my grandfather around 6 years old because he kept calling me a “goo-goo” which is what he always called little kids. i remember being so MAD and getting upset that my parents never stood up for me. well, turns out, he died when i was 3 and i had no clue i was arguing with a dead guy.

this one might sound a bit more “out there” but my house is pre-civil war and right next to a river. the house across the street from me was a stagecoach stop and there’s also railroad stop down the street from me. all of this has been here since like the 1800s. there’s also been records that some people escaping on the underground railroad passed through the town, since it was big on travel and because we’re in the north somewhat close to NYC. i remember being a little kid (like 4?) and this guy around 14 years old walked up to my porch and asked if my mom could spare any food. i remember he was dressed “weird” but i don’t exactly recall any specific clothing items. he happened to be black, and i could see people i assumed were his family standing in the woods outside my house, waiting for him. i told him, sure! and then when i went to get my mom she kept telling me she didn’t see anyone and was getting really concerned. the guy then said my mom had spat on him and called him a “nasty name” and i started yelling at my mom. she was SUPER confused and he started getting concerned too and told me not to get mad at her, and that he had accidentally thought she was someone else and could see we weren’t the people he had “originally spoken to”. he then walked away and i never saw him again. 

my cousin got involved with some really toxic people, who happened to practice a form of witchcraft - specifically the summoning of spirits and using ouiji boards and all that. i was hanging with my cousin once when we were both 13 and she told me she was “dating” one of these spirits her friends summoned for her. i asked to meet him and damn....i’m not usually afraid of spirits or whatever, but i was scared of this thing. i couldn’t actually see it, but when i closed my eyes, i had a picture in my mind. when i told my cousin what i “saw” she said “yeah! that’s what he looks like”. whatever that thing was, however, it later ended up hitting her and scratching her and giving her nightmares, among other things. i don’t know HOW she got rid of it and she refuses to talk about it with me now. 

this one was just last year - i was friends with some people who happened to practice santeria culturally and the one guy was actually training with an elder in the religion to “strengthen” his powers (also just a sidenote - i am white and don’t know the ins and outs of santeria since it’s a closed practice, apologies if i phrased anything wrong). i was going through a really rough time mentally so he gave me a reading. he was able to talk to my grandmother, who had passed a few years ago. and when i say “talked” i mean he really TALKED....like i was just getting to know this guy, we were aquiantances at best, but he was telling me DEEP personal shit. like, he even said my deadname at one point as in like “your grandmother is telling me your name used to be ___? interesting” - and he didn’t even know i was trans. like, he really told me a LOT and i was able to talk directly to my grandmother through him. it was WILD

and now i have more experiences but i think that’ll be it for now!

[night-dragon937]

I need to share my experience from a few hours ago (writing this at 2 am aug 24 2020) yesterday but first I'm going to slap a huge tw: abuse, Christianity/gay stuff, anxiety attacks, and yelling/screaming, transphobia/homophobia, self harm/cutting and a lot of cussing/swearing onto this. Like this is deeply religious and I'd rather not have discourse on my beliefs.

That should cover it...

Okay so it started out fine, my mom and i were just talking. She was drunk, and attempting to convince me that my asexuality meant that i was straight... But since she was drunk, I'mma give her that. There was a lot of aphobia but that's not what this is about She started telling me about her experience, and best i can describe it, she's a closeted demisexual biromantic lady with a preference for girls and a shit ton of internalized homophobia ("being sexually attracted to women's bodies more than men's doesn't make me lesbian, I'm still straight")

It was a mostly civil conversation, but it was adding onto my bad feelings from my dad the past several weeks making snide hurtful remarks about our religion and my sexuality and gender. Also using the f-slur against me when i had explained to him in the past how badly that word hurts me, to which he apologized profusely and said he'd never have used that word if he knew how it affected me. Obviously a lie, because he's still using it with full knowledge of the effects.

Back to my mom. She started getting into the religious side of it, but we managed to keep it civil, until the very end when she said she'd be praying for me and i said I'd be praying to help figure out who exactly i am, and she remarked "make sure you're praying to the right person" with a really threatening tone to her voice. At that point, i lost it, let her know that her saying that made me want to go back to cutting (in case she wasn't aware) and said that i needed a moment alone (or something along those lines, i was thrown head first into an anxiety attack and can't quite remember very well).

I ran upstairs as she tried to grab me and pull me back, but i managed to make it to my room. I went into a fetal position, because safe, but she came in and all i remember is her screaming repeating some question, i think, at me, me not being able to breathe, her hands squeezing my wrists way too tight, my wrist pinned to the carpet with her knee, the other with her hand as she tried to grab my jaw and force me to look at her.

Her touching me made the attack worse (hours later i still have marks and scratches) and i couldn't talk, think, or breathe. Somehow i was able to choke out repeated pleas for her to stop touching me because it was making everything worse. I don't know how long that lasted. But at some point she stopped grabbing me and just placed her hands on me and started praying in tongues. Like i was fucking demon possessed. Because i had an anxiety attack. Which my parents have been triggering in me for as long as i can remember.

I managed to sit up and get her to stop touching me, but she refused to be less than a foot away from me, even though i was going through a sensory overload and needed personal space. She finally trapped me into a corner of my room and put her arms on either side of me, one of them holding the door closed. She was screaming in my face and i was yelling over her, asking her to give me personal space and stop being so loud so that i could calm down, which she refused. I ended up very trapped and very uncomfortable and doing my best to not have another anxiety attack while replying to the most outlandish of her accusations, but mostly keeping my mouth shut in an attempt to get her to do the same.

She kept using my deadname, like usual, but it was worse for me for some reason at this point. I mentioned that and got yelled at more. I mentioned her pinning my wrists to the ground and got called a liar and she tried to make it so that i couldn't leave and grab a Kleenex until i admitted she was right and that i pinned myself to the ground (???). So i just started describing what i remembered until she got sick of it and let me go wipe my nose. She must have closed my door when she first came in. My dad (stepdad) was standing outside the door, eavesdropping, apparently.

I got a Kleenex but then my mom started yelling at me again, but i mostly just pretended to listen because i didn't want to have another anxiety attack. My dad started piping in and making me feel so much worse. He ended with saying "you're not a Christian. You don't believe in God. Even the devil believes in God." (Implying that I'm worse than the devil). At which point i started breaking down crying. And then i ran outside to have another anxiety attack but this time my mom just stood on the porch because the grass was wet and she was barefoot, but i curled up under the stars for who knows how long as i forced myself to do breathing techniques, and stim by rubbing the wet grass, which really helped ground me.

I went back inside when i was feeling better and got a drink of water and a Kleenex. And they started telling me how much they loved me and that i might not see it, but they were doing this out of love, because they were concerned for my eternity. I kept pointing out things they were doing that hurt me and better ways to do it (constructive criticism, so they know what's bad for me) and they repeatedly told me how much worse they could make it for me and that i should be glad they didn't make it worse. I pointed out that this didn't make their actions better and they said "doesn't make them wrong, either." Which ????? Victim blaming, abuse, what?

I brought up the times I've cried out to God for answers and the few times He's responded, (refusing my request for Him to kill me, telling me I'm not going to Hell for being gay/queer) bc they kept bringing up a few dubiously translated verses of the Bible and they told me that i was listening to the wrong person. That i was worshipping the wrong one. They heavily implied that i pray and worship the devil (disclaimer: i don't judge those who do, that's your life, I'm not gonna try and decide it for you, also i can admit that the church of Satan makes valid points and treats people right, from what I've seen, this is just a huge insult for them to throw at me specifically because of what I've been taught my whole life). Also invalidating my whole experience just because they don't like it.

They keep bringing up me being involved in the community (following queer people on social media, having one queer shirt, going to gsa-which they told me I'm not allowed to be a part of anymore-, having queer friends) as me seeking validation and attention, and that i shouldn't need validation and it shouldn't be about validation if I really think that this is who i am. Aka, because i am human and seek human things, i must be a total fake and fraud about all I've told them (very little). Meanwhile they do the exact same thing with their friends and social media and each other and everything.

My dad kept piping up with totally unrelated, totally unhelpful comments and tangents while my mom recited the same 5 min spiel for at least half an hour. My dad was saying how my grandparents aren't actually Christians because they agree with me that the world isn't black and white and there are some shades of gray, and because they believe once saved, always saved. That there is nothing you can do, as an imperfect human, to remove yourself from the infinite and unconscious love of God. (... I can't believe he fucking believes that humans have the ability to overrule God because it makes it easier for him to blame and condemn people he sees...)

These are the grandparents who have loved me regardless of my sexuality and gender, even tho they don't agree, and made me feel loved and gave me a place to go when i need to escape from my parents. They're the reason I'm keeping my mom's maiden name (since it hasn't been legally changed) because it's their last name, and it's them i want to honor, not my abusive shitty hateful stepdad. Unfortunately they are moving into assisted living because my papa is in a wheelchair, so i can't move in with them.

He ended that tangent with repeatedly telling me that i was not saved. That i was not a Christian. That i didn't believe in God. And that i was going to Hell. Repeatedly.

My mom made me hug her and made me tell her i love her. I ended up exercising to stop myself from becoming suicidal. I don't know if I'll tell anyone irl apart from the one irl friend i have on here. I'm not sure if I'm going to tell my therapist or not. I reached out to two of my christian friends after everything but they were both asleep. I needed to write this all down and put it somewhere public, just to be safe. I'm not safe in my own home and i can't move out because I'm a. Under 18 and b. Broke as hell

There was a lot more that happened, this lasted several hours, but i honestly can't remember all of the details besides what i typed out. Anyway so yeah i kinda wish i were dead but i also wanna stay alive for spite and show them that i can be a fabulous queer Christian and that the world is colorful, and you can't reduce that to monochrome and expect to have an even partially accurate view of the world. I want to help others like me, and help them feel better about myself.

I'm setting this as a queue so that if my parents take my phone away, they can't stop me from posting it (they have no clue how to look at queued posts) and also so that i can go to bed now and look at it again later and edit it

[dragon-writes-sometimes]

I Hate Me More!

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Characters: Virgil, Roman.

Relationships: Prinxiety

Summary: Virgil has had the worst day of his life. Well, it's up that alley anyway. Roman isn't helping with being as extra as he is, but they eventually get to talking about what's going on. And it makes Roman start to think that, just this once, violence and murder was the way to go.

Word count: 2254

A/N: PLEASE!!! Read the tags!! This is very angsty (for me, and I wrote it)! I had to take many breaks from writing this due to the sheer amount of angst and crying! I don't know how angst writers do this every day!

This was inspired by an incorrect quote made by @MusicalsAndLove on Twitter.

Please stay safe my lovelies!

(This was also written on Virgil’s birthday... so happy birthday, Virgil?)

AO3 link

I Hate Me More!

Virgil was having a bad day. Well, all days were bad days, but this one was even worse. He’d been kicked out of his parents’ house a month ago for being himself. Like, come on. It was almost 2020. Get with the times already. Being trans and gay was nothing new at this point.

He’d moved in with his childhood friend and present boyfriend, Roman Green, after that. Roman Green he was going to kill! He loved Roman, don’t get him wrong. He really loved Roman. But sometimes he could be too much. Especially on his really bad days.

Roman was currently singing at the top of his lungs in the small apartment's living room. Being too extra about it, as well. Princey-style. He’d just come back from his last lecture of the day, Virgil had been home for a few hours at that point. And was just recovering from a panic attack.

Virgil stomped down to the living room from their shared bedroom down the hall. “Could you shut up for just one minute, Princey?!” Virgil asked, irritated. Roman stopped belting out songs as soon as he heard Virgil’s voice.

“Greetings to you too, my lovely Stormcloud. And nay to your question. Otherwise, how would I be able to serenade the most beautiful man in the world?” Roman smirked, turning around to look at Virgil.

“Stop already! You’re so infuriating sometimes! ARGH!” Virgil went to grab at his hair but stopped himself last second.

Roman dropped his smirk into a frown. Something was off. This wasn’t their usual daily after-class banter. “Are you alright, Virgil? What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” he asked. He shouldn’t have.

Virgil metaphorically exploded at being called pretty. He usually didn’t mind it, but after today’s events, it was the worst thing Roman could’ve chosen to say to him. “PRETTY?!” he all but screeched. “Is that all I am to you? Just a pretty face?! Someone to pity and show off? To show what a saint you are?! Ooh, look! It’s poor little Virgil who can’t figure himself out! He was kicked out of his own house because he was so fucked up! Let’s help him to show the world what a good person I am!”

Something was definitely off, but Roman’s mind only fixated on Virgil’s words. His statements. Roman saw red. How dare he insinuate that! “What’s wrong with you, Virgil?! How can you even think that?!”

“I’m right, aren’t I? I’m just a pity-project!” Virgil shouted.

“No! No, you’re not! God, what do you want from me?!” Roman yelled back.

“Nothing!! Absolutely nothing! I want nothing to do with you!” Virgil all but roared. It stirred Roman further into his red set of mind.

Before he could think about what to say next, he heard himself say the biggest falsehood in his life, one that was spurred on by the heat of the moment.

“Oh, my g- I hate you!” And Roman went silent. Had he just said that? Why did he say that? He loved Virgil! More than anything and anyone!

Virgil went silent as well. Tears in his eyes. And the wheels in Roman’s brain started turning again. “Yeah, well I hate me more.” His voice went quiet, and Roman almost didn’t hear him. “I hate me more.”

And the gears clicked. Why Virgil had acted out. His family. “I- I didn’t mean it, Virge. Please, babe,” Roman said with the softest voice Virgil had heard from the other man. And Roman slowly went closer to Virgil. Closer and closer. Until he was only a breath away and embraced him. “We’ve talked about this. You have to tell me when you’re having a bad day.” Virgil was hiding his face in Roman’s chest, sobbing his heart out. “You have to tell me right away when your parents try and get to you. I love you. I won’t let them get to you. I swear it,” he quietly continued as he rubbed soothing circles Virgil’s back.

Roman’s heart broke at the sound of Virgil’s sobs. “I’m s’ry. ‘M s’ s’ry! I-I…” Virgil’s muffled cries came from Roman’s chest. And that sound shattered Roman’s heart.

“Shh, hush, darling. It’s not your fault. I love you so much. But please, tell me what happened. At your own pace. I love you so, so much!” he mumbled as he kissed Virgil’s head.

Virgil nuzzled into Roman’s touch. “Mm, love you too, Ro. I-” Virgil moved a bit to look at Roman. “Can we move to the couch, please?”

Roman’s heart was in danger of bursting from heartbreak at the look in Virgil’s eyes. So pleading and red and hurt almost beyond repair. “Of course, Love.”

After they had settled on the couch, Virgil started crying again. “I’m s- so fucking sor-sorry, Ro-oman! I-I didn’t mean it! I-I just-”

“I know. Love, I know.” Roman kissed Virgil’s hair once more. “But you have to let me know. It doesn’t matter if I’m in class. You tell me right away! Please,” Roman said seriously while looking Virgil in the eye.

Virgil sniffled and rubbed his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it again and hid his face in the crock of Roman’s neck.

“What happened, my darling Stormcloud?” Roman was getting very worried. He’d never seen Virgil like this except for when he stood at Roman’s doorstep a month ago after his parents kicked him out.

Roman moved Virgil so that he was sitting in Roman’s lap. The recently turned 18 art student looked down at Roman’s chest, to scared to look him in the eye after what he said, even though Roman semi figured out what was going on with him.

Virgil softly placed his hands on Roman’s flat chest, one hand starting to softly trace it. God, he wanted a flat chest like his handsome boyfriend. Tears began to blur his vision once more.

“Virgil?” Roman spoke so softly that you couldn’t really blame Virgil for immediately surging up to kiss him. Roman was surprised at first but reciprocated it after only a moment. It was wet and sloppy but passionate.

They broke apart after a minute. “I’m really sorry for saying those things,” Virgil whispered his mouth only a breath away from Roman’s lips. He leaned his forehead on Roman’s before continuing. “My parents-” his voice broke.

“You don’t have to tell me right now. We can just cuddle until you feel a bit better, Love. I’m not pressuring you,” Roman murmured before kissing Virgil again, just a little peck on the lips.

Virgil smiled at the love and affection radiating from Roman and directed at him. “But I want to. I need to.” Virgil sighed, and his smile dropped. “I ran into them today.”

Roman visibly tensed. Virgil could tell he was trying to not show his anger towards them. When Virgil stood in front of Roman’s door on his 18th birthday, Roman had to really control himself so he wouldn’t take off and take out the rightful anger he felt on Virgil’s behalf on his parents.

Roman nodded for Virgil to continue. He wanted to know what the hell they did to his precious Stormcloud!

“They- it was in Remy’s coffee shop. I don’t know when or how they found it. Remy said they’d never been there before. Reina hadn’t seen them before, either. I didn’t see them at first. Was sitting with my back against the door. They-” Virgil’s voice broke again, and he had to swallow past the lump in his throat. “They deadnamed me.”

Roman was seething. Absolutely seething. He considered violence an atrocity but was at that moment planning two murders. Those people knew not what respect was at all!

Virgil hugged himself back into Roman, seeking comfort. “I- they- they said ‘well, i-if it isn’t our p-pretty little daughter, Victoria’. I fr-froze. It didn’t sound l-like they were the by ac-accident,” Virgil said, voice barely above a whisper.

Roman stiffened. “So that’s how I set you off? By saying you’re pretty? I’m so sorry, Virgil! Had I known, I would never have said it! Please forgive me!” Roman hid his face in Virgil’s neck. He was close to tears himself. Stupid! He should’ve noticed Virgil’s mood wasn’t one of banter sooner! Shouldn’t have called him pretty! What was he good for?!

Virgil sniffed out a small laugh. “I know, Ro. You would never do that. You didn’t know, so you don’t need to ask for my forgiveness. But… I forgive you.” Virgil breathed in Roman’s sent. So nice and calming. He smelled like the forest they used to play in when they were younger, with just a hint of lilacs and old books. Bottom line: he smelled Perfect with a capital P.

“What happened then?” Roman asked softly. He had a suspicion but hoped that that was it; what Virgil had told already. Of course, that sadly wasn’t the case.

“They- they started shouting and belittling me, and I didn’t do anything! I just sat there, all frozen.” Virgil was sniffling again, he was very close to tears once more. “If it weren’t for Remy and Reina, I don’t think they would’ve stopped. I might’ve even gotten physical between them and me. I feel so fucking guilty for leaving Ann behind! She has to live with them for two more years! I just wish I could’ve taken her with me out of that hell-hole…” Virgil trailed off, remembering what came next. Roman was going to flip when he told him. Virgil just knew it.

“I love your sister like she’s my own sister, so I get it, Virgil. But we have to stay strong. Maybe we can find something on your parents that’ll make them lose custody over her. I’m sure Remus’ partner, Dee, would be more than happy to help! They could definitely find something we can use against them!” Roman declared, mentally striking a dramatic pose.

Virgil hugged Roman even tighter because he knew what was about to be said was not pretty.

“Hey, what is it, Virgil? Did something else happen?” Roman asked, sensing Virgil’s discomfort. Virgil nuzzled himself closer to Roman in response. ”I’ll take that as a yes. You feel comfortable telling me?”

Virgil took a deep breath. He could do this. He slowly pulled back to look at Roman, tears in his eyes. “Remember how I got a new number after… you know?” Roman nodded. “Yeah, well, I made sure Ann got it so we could keep in touch, as you know.”

Roman didn’t like where this was going. “Yeah? What does that have to do with your parents being assholes to you?” Roman was very worried by the way Virgil avoided his soft gaze.

Virgil fished his phone up from his pocket and shoved it into Roman’s hands. Roman looked quizzically at Virgil.

“When I got back here I-I got a call from Anastacia.” Virgil paused. This was gonna be tough. “Except- except it wasn’t her. Mom and dad they- they got a hold of her phone. They were the ones calling me. I- I thought I’d gotten away from them! And when they called- I didn’t hang up! I let them scream at me over the phone! I- I didn’t say anything, though. So they hung up.” Virgil chanced a glance at Roman’s face, and Roman was no longer contemplating committing murder. He was actually going to do it!

But for now, Roman was going to be there for Virgil. And hear out the rest of Virgil’s story. So if he held him a little tighter? Well, you couldn’t blame him in the slightest.

Virgil nuzzled his head against Roman's chest again and listened to his heartbeat. “Open my phone, and it will tell you the rest,” Virgil sighed. And check it, Roman did.

“What the actual fuck is wrong with them?!” The phone was filled with hateful texts from his parents. Both from their phones, but also from Anastacia’s. And just as he was about to turn back to kiss Virgil, another text message dinged in.

And Virgil froze. “What does it say?” he asked after a lot of internal debating and at least a minute of hesitation.

Roman didn’t really want to indulge Virgil but knew that it was better that he saw it now, together than later when he was alone. Roman felt sick at what it said. ‘Think of what you did, you sinning little faggot. Learn your place in the world!’ is what the text said. “We’re gonna get a hold of Dee right now! I think this’ll help us get at least a restraining order!” Roman practically growled.

“So, worse than the rest,” Virgil whispered. Not a question, but a statement. “Can we- can we stay here for a while? Just. Cuddling? Text Remus, but please just stay?” Virgil asked, voice so quiet and doubting.

“Of course, my beautiful dark angel! I would love nothing more! And I will text him. But for now; cuddles,” Roman whispered back, kissing Virgil’s hair before softly using his hand to tilt his head up to give Virgil a tentative and caring kiss, trying to pour as much love in it as he could muster.

“Mmm, cuddles,” Virgil mumbled as he slowly broke away from the kiss to curl up in Roman’s lap, starting to dose off, the excess anger and anxiety had left him rather tired. This day had just turned from the worst to the not worst. “Cuddles. Cuddles good.”

Endnotes: And if you want to kill Virgil's parents? You're not alone! I wanna kill them, too! All throughout writing this, actually.           

[runearcana]

Reasons I am Terezi:

My soon to be deadname sounds like Terezi.

I have an absurdly long tongue. 

I look and dress like Terezi. [my hair ends up short, and when I straighten it, it always has a curve at the ends like hers. Ive always thought I look like a female version of Karkat and even tried to be more like him.] I primarily wear black t-shirts with nerdy images.

I love mysteries, solving them, and have a knack for knowing the law on an intuitive level.

I had a best fuckin friend forever that I did everything with. We called ourselves the Greythorne Sisters. I was Wither and she was Malice. [telling much?]

When I broke up with her, I.. used my very strong foresight and saw that there would be issues if we stayed friends. Karkat also encouraged me to do it and was outside when I went through with it. After I told her, she literally crumpled, and I hugged her one last time. She didnt expect it at all. ._.

I went insane with regret and self-hatred afterwards.

My ultimate crush looked, acted, and spoke [yelled] EXACTLY like Karkat.

The reason I got into Homestuck was because I was incredibly shocked at how his likeness was captured in the fan art, and even the official art. EVERYTHING is the same except he has grey-blue eyes, caucasion skin color, lacks horns. Everything else is the same. He sounds most like a more masculine version of Broadway Karkat. Very wicked and masculine voice. Extremely intimidating guy despite his size. [hes not short, just shorter than youd expect someone with a cocky personality like his.]

Karkat even called us the Scourge Sisters. 

He hated Vriska. He was jealous of her as well, as anyone interested in me would have been.

I loved Karkat, more than anyone except Vriska, but my self-esteem was too low to believe he legitimately cared about me. On some level I knew he cared about me, but I was too BLIND to see it.

I didnt know I loved Vriska more than Karkat until I had already lost her. v.v

Vriska and I had a serious BDSM relationship [kismesis] after being moirails a very long time. We should have stayed moiraills. :[ It was really my fault that she acted the way she acted.

I am an empath and I can legitimately taste peoples energies. 

I may as well be blind because my eyesight is useless to me without glasses.

My favorite color isnt red, its TEAL, but I have a crazy fetish for fiery guys.

Libra ascendant, which is funny because A. your ascendant was your sign in a previous life, and B. its the realm of your PERSONALITY. [Sun is about your life path and moon is about emotions. :P]

I am creepy and cute [or was when I identified as female]. I love scaring the shit out of people. >:]

I like 1337, but I refuse to type that way all the time even though quirks are awesome conceptually. I mean if I could program the computer to remember my quirk, itd be different, but that isnt a thing yet. Itd definitely spice the internet up much more. :]

I still play with plushies and whatevers at hand and draw with chalk.

I adore dragons and see myself as one because I was born in the year of the dragon. :P

I like to cosplay, and wear capes pretty often. 

Dave is someone I cared about a great deal. He had a crush on me, but I saw him as a brother. Dirk is a total piece of shit and hurt Dave and Karkat and its why they have so much in common. He IS Daves bro. Dave sort of sticks up for him and Dirk has clueless followers. 

Gamzee was a best friend of mine like Dave and we technically had a kismisitude relationship. Gamzee told me Karkat was his best friend but I didnt know it was mutual. He was very upset that Gamzee and I were kinda together.

One night I was sitting at the end of Vriskas bed, thinking she was asleep, and trying not to wake her up with blowing my nose. She was awake and spooked and said she thought I was cackling like a maniac at the end of the bed like a creep. I thought it was pretty much a good assessment.

Another time she told me that while I was asleep, she saw an *evil* me with a sharp toothed grin and grey skin. It didnt seem improbable to me.

John is my biological brother. Hes a Virgo sun, and hes a nerd. :] Hes the only person beside my dad and aunt I talk to. [lots of friends I have, lol.]

Rose is a c*nt but I was fascinated with her for some reason. Rose hates Homestuck because of the fanbase. [lolll]

Kanaya is her sister, not gf/wife. Shes cool, and a reasonable person and was a friend, but we didnt talk much. I dont know why really.. x.x

Aradia was my best friend before Vriska. She and Sollux are married. I had a crush on her hsband and it was awkward.

Equius is an ex. Longest relationship Ive been in was with him.

Eridan is as much of a insufferable asshat as he is in the series, but not good looking in the slightest. He can be.. surprisingly insightful at times. None of us like him, even us INFPs. [Dave and I.]

I see Aranea as my mother. Talks non-stop, ruins lives.. but I used to look up to her.

Calliope was a fellow dragon lover friend that Dave introduced me to. Her handle was Celestial Serpent and she is even more asexual than I am. :]

My friends saw my and Karkats connection as being more like Karkats and Nepetas. He treated me like I was autistic and mostly ignored me. Probably until I confessed to him, and then after I went crazy because I had lost Vriska, and hoped that I could rely on him to be there for me. but despite all that bravado cockiness of his, hes a total wimp. ._.] Karkat and I had a ridiculously brief unspoken relationship that was only through telepathic communication and I got beyond frustrated and kissed a woman, and it was over like that. No one knows about this but us. Its another thing that I have ruminated on and hated myself for and deeply regretted.

I envy gamer girls who are actually good at games and wish I could be more confident and popular. v.v; [Latula]

I had a character on Gaiaonline with the Chucku Norisu scarf and the winged staff item and people drew freebie art of it for me, and when I looked at my pictures after learning about Homestuck it was pretty crazy.

Vriska [best artist I know] drew a character that looked a lot like Terezi that I had liked a lot.

I was very isolated when I was young. Neglected by my parents for the most part and felt too different from other humans. I always wanted a tree house and bulit my own club house that I hung out in as a kid.

My friends pretty much unfairly looked down on and even despised Vriska except Gamzee.

I love the taste and sight of blood. [Im a sadist.]

Dave made a proposition that he, me and Karkat be in a poly relationship and I turned it down. [I did not want to share Karkles with ANYONE. I know in the comic Dave actually disliked the idea, but the poly thing came up with the three of us. I dont know if Karkat was cool with it or not because he always used Dave as our go-between, but if Dave made the offer it must have been Karkat approved. Asshole. -.-]

Karkat and Dave live together and are more than likely morails. Karkat isnt attracted to Dave, but Dave has said he is attracted to Karkat.

I had a dragon umbrella that looked like a cane that I loved a lot.

Karkat is pretty much the unofficial group leader, or at least he was in my opinion. I could see Sollux saying Id make a better leader, though, because Im more clear-headed and calm about things and people from that group respected me [more than I was aware of].

We are all connected somehow.. but the main group consisted of Dave, Gamzee, Rose, Kanaya, me [Terezi], Karkat, and a few people I didnt see as characters from Homestuck. Vriska was not allowed to hang out with us at first. When she finally got her freedom [with my help] she wouldnt hang with the group, and they saw her as taking me away from them. They thought she treated me poorly, but she really didnt. -.- [Vriska did nothing wrong, theyre all just jerks.]

I dont hang out or talk to any of them anymore except John. Im always finding myself reminiscing and I really just wish I could forget I ever met them so I could start over fresh.

I have a spirit guide that is a DRAGON and teaches me anything Id like to know, especially in esoteric matters. His name is Shadowfall Ryu. Ryu is Japanese for Dragon. [lusus] and I agonize that I dont know him irl. Everyone knows about him. I have drawn so much art of him and talked about him so much. He is my ideal self. [i know the lusus in the comics is female, but whatever. Its still interesting.]

I collect dragon stuff, including plushies. I still play with them and wish others would play with me.

List goes on and on.

I cant make this stuff up.

[ephemeral-afterlight]

Day 9: Shackled

(We’ll scream, we’ll dream.)

Whumptober 2019 Day 9: Shackled

Word Count: 1816

Relationships: Moceit (NOT consensual), Moxiety (past), allusions to Moduke (past)

Warnings: Unsympathetic Patton, childhood kidnapping/growing up in captivity (mentioned), rape (non-explicit but it does happen), abuse (mainly physical), cursing, lots of vulgar/explicit language, misgendering/deadnaming. Please tell me if I’m missing any.

A/N: yeah, this one is pretty heavy too. it also includes non-con, and although it isn’t super graphic/explicit, i highly advise you to stay away if that will make you uncomfortable. sorry it’s an hour late, blah blah blah, this is becoming a habit and it’s not a good one

Virgil can’t stop feeling so goddamn guilty.

He should have paid more attention, over the years he was with Patton. He should have questioned why his boyfriend would disappear into the basement, often for hours at a time, without a single explanation. He should have seen how disturbed Patton was, realized that he needed professional help. He should have seen it, should have known that Dee was down here suffering all this time, but he didn’t. He didn’t, and now Dee is traumatized, and she’s lost so much of her life and her childhood and her personal autonomy, and it’s Virgil’s fault. It’s his fault.

No, no, it’s not. It’s not his fault. He has to stop doing that. He knows that this is just a product of his anxiety, and he’s unrealistically feeling responsible. There wasn’t anything he could have done. Even if he did find out about Dee’s presence earlier, there would be no guarantee he’d have even been able to help her, and it would probably have just sped up the timeline. Who knows, maybe Patton would’ve left him down here with her.

Like now.

Even here, as Dee stands against the wall, open and unashamed with her nudity, there’s something closed-off in the air. Virgil feels an odd, overwhelming sense of insecurity that comes from a place he can’t pinpoint, somewhere ashamed. He knows it’s not his fault. It’s not his fault. It’s Patton’s doing.

“Dee, I don’t… I don’t know if he’s gonna come down here again, and I’ll try my best to make sure nothing happens to you if he does, but… I’m chained up like you are. I’ll-- I’ll get us out, but I might… I might need a little more time, okay? Not long, but…” Virgil trails off, low, strained voice echoing off the concrete walls of the basement. Delilah’s eyelashes flutter as she snaps to attention, jolts her head up to look for danger, and then relaxes minutely when she processes the statement. Virgil hates Patton. He hates him.

“Y’h… Been down here a long time anyway. Used to it. I c’n wait,” Dee murmurs, eyes trained at her bare feet, and Virgil feels his fury sharpen like a knife. She shouldn’t have to wait, shouldn’t be used to it. She should have had a good childhood, grown up properly. She should have been able to go to sports games with her friends, ordered pizzas and played video games, felt the pride of graduating from high school. She should have been able to feel the joy of her friends using the right name, to buy her first skirt, to have girl’s nights and sleepovers. She should have had a life. A real life. Not this.

Things get quiet again. They’ve been going in and out of bouts of silence for a while, have been lost in their own thoughts. There is a bit of light coming from upstairs, but it’s not exactly enough to see well by, and there isn’t really anything to do but wait. Virgil’s already tried to yank at the shackles, see if they could break if he pulled hard enough, but it was to no avail. So. Now he just… waits.

The creak of the basement door is a sound that is all too familiar to Virgil, one that he heard so many times while rarely ever questioning it. Patton told him he was making friendship jewelry. Virgil should have seen through his bullshit. Aside from the fact that the memories of Patton disappearing down here over and over and over without any repercussions or suspicion through the years are probably going to be ones that will haunt Virgil for the rest of his life, he knows he needs to focus on now, focus on Dee, and focus on keeping Patton busy.

And Patton’s down here in their presence again, rambling on about something that goes completely over Virgil’s head. It’s some shit about how great he slept last night with Virgil not there, how he had the bed all to himself, and Virgil couldn’t give a single fuck about his attempt to make Virgil angry. He’s already angry, and if he really wants to infuriate him, he’s gonna have to do better than that.

“Why, hello, Ethan. You’re looking ugly today,” Patton greets cheerfully, doesn’t notice the way Dee flinches when he says the wrong name. Virgil doesn’t blame her for not telling him. It’s none of his goddamn business to know. Even so, Virgil still feels bad for her, because it’s not like growing up in captivity has really allowed her to do any personal searching, have creative expression, or experiment with herself. Virgil’s parents were similarly strict, and although his situation was never anywhere close to being as bad as Delilah’s is, he sorta gets it.

“Y’know, if you weren’t such a disgusting excuse of a human being, I might have made you my boyfriend. Would you like that? D’you want to be my pretty, docile little housewife? Wanna be my cute little fucktoy, bend over whenever I tell you?” Patton asks, tone high as if he’s talking to a child, or a dog, and that’s probably not far from how he views her. Patton’s narcissistic demeanour is one of the most infuriating things Virgil has ever had the misfortune of witnessing, but he can’t lose control. He needs to reign in his vexation, stay in control of the situation. It’s for Delilah’s sake.

“You couldn’t get with someone you wanted even if you tried. Nobody wants your small dick,” Virgil spits, pulls against his chains again in frustration even as the rest of his body remains still. He’s pleasantly surprised that he’s able to keep the urgency out of his voice, since it’s imperative to not show Patton weakness right now. As soon as he finds a crack in the wall, a break in the code, he’ll latch onto it and exploit it. Virgil can’t let that happen.

“Hmph, really? You seemed to be enjoying my ‘small dick’ all those times I fucked you so good you couldn’t even speak. But maybe that was a different Virgil?” Patton muses, sneers from the side as he strokes Delilah’s trembling face with the backs of his fingers. Virgil wants to yell, and scream, and punch Patton so hard it knocks him straight into hell, but he can’t. He can’t show emotion, can’t show fear. He has to make him angry.

“Oh, please, are you that delusional? I didn’t speak because there was nothing to say. It was boring. I wanted to yawn every single time we had sex, but I guess my plan to stroke your ego and make you think I wanted you worked, didn’t it? The only reason I stayed with you was for your house and money. You cooked for me every night, gave me a bed and a roof, and that’s honestly all I really got out of this. You couldn’t fuck someone into speechlessness if your life depended on it, you’re too boring and vanilla to attract anyone else, and I could easily have up and left a three for a ten. Sorry, bud, but you never had me.” Virgil finishes his rant with a loud scoff, a flourish to really hammer his point home. He can see how furious it makes him. He can relish in the way Patton’s brows pull down with his enragement, even as he senses a whisper of guilt work its way into his chest. Virgil hates that he feels bad, hates that he’s outright lying. He wishes that it were true, but it’s not. And at least he gets Patton’s attention, but then Patton doesn’t look very mad anymore.

“Oh, I see what’s going on here,” Patton says, tone mocking. He looks nonplussed as he turns to Virgil, huffs a laugh as he stalks toward him. Virgil isn’t afraid. He wants to punch him. “You’re trying to distract me.”

“What, like you were too distracted by that pretty young secretary Abby to keep Remus from leaving you?” Virgil retorts scathingly, and even as a flash of anger slices through Patton’s eyes, even as a fist slams into his stomach and he chokes out a whine, he knows he’s won. He knows that Patton knows, too.

“How did you know about Remus?” Patton hisses, yanks Virgil’s head up by the chin when he lolls forward. Virgil stays silent, just apathetically stares Patton down, and the latter of the two growls and whips the palm of his hand across a bruised cheek. The cough that comes out is rough, but he doesn’t yell out, and that just incenses Patton more. “Answer me!”

Virgil breathes slowly out through his nose. He can see Dee cowering in the corner, terrified as she watches them dance, and Virgil slowly raises his head up. His eyes meet Patton’s once more, narrow in the tense silence, and then he spits blood directly in Patton’s face. “Go fuck yourself.”

And he looks furious, madder than Virgil has ever seen him. It’s almost funny, how Patton reels his arm back, prepares to send another blow rocketing into Virgil’s already weak body. But then Patton’s anger bleeds from his face, is replaced by cold amusement and a malicious grin, and Virgil feels dread sink into his stomach. Something is wrong. He’s supposed to be pissed, but he’s not, so what is he planning?

But then Patton spins around, stomps toward an increasingly more horrified Delilah, and Virgil doesn’t bother swallowing down the shout that bursts from his throat. And Virgil can’t do anything, can’t move as Patton slaps away Dee’s defensive hands, can’t break the chains as he pushes her up against the wall. He can’t help her when she shakes her head back and forth violently, can’t stop him when Patton rips an anguished cry from the defenseless girl, and Virgil is going to throw up.

He can’t watch. He can’t watch her terror morph into apathy, watch her face slowly shift from severely distressed to droopy neutrality. He can’t watch her become quiet, watch her arm fall like dead weight to hang at her side. He can’t watch, so he squeezes his eyes shut and blocks it out.

No.

He promised! He fucking promised he would get her out, that he wouldn’t let Patton keep causing her to suffer. He said he would stop the torture, and as soon as he’s being tested, he curls up and cries like a baby? No. No. He isn’t going to break his promise to her. He can’t let her down, betray the meager trust she’s already been kind enough to give to him. She’s gone through so much already, and Virgil gave her hope, and he can’t abandon that. Fuck this. Fuck Patton and every deranged thing he’s ever done.

Virgil opens his eyes, and his vision is tinged in red.

[slowlyshytheorist]

I wanna tell my story

This is gonna be a long post and I don’t know who will read this and maybe those of you who do will already know most of it, but for the first time i will tell the whole story in one stretch.

My name is Alex. My name has always been Alex, but i didn’t figure that out till about 6 months ago. To tell this right i gotta go back a little further than that though. I have a friend who just finished her bachelor i psychology and every time I have told her about my family and how i was treated growing up she’d say that it’s a wonder i don’t have a mental illness. The first times I laughed with her at it, but eventually there was this little voice that kept saying “but maybe i do”. A little over a year ago i started noticing it. The symptoms. I was struggling with making it through my every day life. Struggling to get out of bed, to cook, to eat, it was all just too much. But due to the bagage from my childhood, i just kept it to myself and pretended that nothing was wrong. In the middle of this dark period where i could barely survive i did something. I was drinking one night and ended up sleeping with some random dude at my dorm. I barely remember, all i know is that the next day i felt horrible. I thought back to a question that my friend once asked me, about my sexuality, and i found myself googling “How to know if you are asexual”. It took me about a day to build up the courage to text my friend and tell her what had happened. I felt wrong for days after. Not because I’m ace, but because I’m sex negative and I had violated my own boundaries.  A few months passed and i accepted it, I even learned to be proud of my sexuality. It was harder to admit that i’m aromantic as well, because it felt like that was the same as giving up on the notion that i would ever have a SO. I do want that some day, and i know now that i can find that person, my person, as i like to refer to them. I came out to my family and they took it... not bad, but not what i had expected either. My sister’s reaction was the worst. At first she laughed as if it was ridiculous. I tried to explain that i was serious but she kept laughing. It wasn’t until her husband, who was there too, told her that it was real, that she stopped laughing and started listening to me. I thought that was the end of it, but one day she made a homophobic comment and i called her out on it. Her “defense” was that anyone who is not straight is a biological mistake. That there is nothing wrong with it, but that it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a mistake, a flaw in our DNA. She still believes this. The rest of my family just didn’t care. not in a “we don’t care what your sexuality is, we love you anyway” way, more in a “we don’t care about what happens in your life” way. Still it was better that my sister, i suppose.  Through all this, my depression was still undiagnosed, but raging and incapacitating me on a daily basis. Luckily i had found a support system. I found a server of likeminded people. They were becoming my family, since my “real” family had let me down. It wasn’t long till the next big life altering revelation hit me. I’m not cis. And the feeling i have had my entire life relating to my name, has a name. It’s called dysphoria and it explains so much. My server family helped me find my real name, Alex. Well technically Alexandria, but most days are Alex days. It wasn’t long after this that i hit rock bottom, i snapped at the people i care about and acted like a huge jerk because i was miserable. I decided to get help. I got diagnosed with depression and I started treatment almost immediately.  A few months passed where i went by Alex online, but not irl. I felt more and more dysphoric about being deadnamed, so i decided to tell my family that i was changing my name. I kept my gender to myself because i doubt that would be received better than my sexuality was. I got one response, my mom saying that it would be hard. That is all, the rest ignored me. A few more weeks and i got confirmation, my name had officially been changed and i had a full day of euphoria. Which is saying a lot considering i still had a depression. A couple of days later i went to visit my family a weekend for my little brother’s birthday. I made it through a day and a half of being deadnamed and being ignored when i corrected them. My sister would send me annoyed looks though, but that was the most reaction i got until she snapped. She told me straight up that she would never be calling me Alex and that she was furious with me for doing this without consulting with them first. She told me that I was being rude and inconsiderate and forcing this upon them. I was expecting a confrontation, but not one this bad. Even so, I had my reaction ready. I got up and calmly said “Fine, then i will be leaving now” My mom tried to stop me, but she took my sisters side and after some yelling and some tears i ended up storming out of there. i spent the 15 minute walk to the busstop sobbing uncontrollably. I sent a text to my brother, apologising for leaving before his birthday party, but promising to make it up, then i called my dad’s girlfriend, who does accept my name change, and told her what happened. Then i called my friend and told her too, i was crying most of the way to the train station, but by the time i got home (3 hours later) i was out of tears.  I since talked to my mom about it all. She will try to accommodate my name change, but she still hasn’t admitted that she was in the wrong. I fear that our relationship won’t ever be the same. My sister refuses to acknowledge my existence and hasn’t said a word to me in 4 months.  That brings us to the present. My medication is working and i am getting through my depression much better now. I am surrounding myself with people who respect me enough to actually call me my name and letting the rest be. I am learning to stand up for myself. The next step for me is something i have been planning since before my name was officially changed. I am gonna have a funeral for my deadname, i’m gonna bury all my old id cards and some other stuff i have with that name on it. It started as a goof, but I don’t have any more reason to postpone it and suddenly I am anxious about it. I realise that it has come to mean so much more to me and even thinking about it makes me tear up. I can’t put words on my feelings, but my friend did quite a good job guessing: “I am thinking it is because it is all of it at once. It is a farewell to, but also a reminder that, you have been living as something other than yourself for more than 20 years, and the box you have been put in always. It is a manifestation of your entire process where you have figured out who you are. It is a symbol of your entire battle to be allowed to be you and to get others to respect the human you actually are. It is the relief over having figured out why your deadname has always felt weird. It is the joy of actually being named something that feels right and feels like you. It is the symbol of so many fundamental things by you that is finally being allowed to live in the world, and that is a big package of emotions in one action”

So this is my story. I have been through some things. I know many have it worse, but that doesn’t mean my experience wasn’t bad. It doesn’t mean i don’t get to tell my story. I am going to start planning the funeral and i will mark that day in my calendar, like i marked the day i officially became Alex. I will use these two dates as reminders of what i went through. Every year i plan to take a moment and think about where i have been, but more importantly, where i wanna go. I don’t think i will ever come out as nb to my family, but i won’t hide it either. those who see it, may see it, i’m not gonna hide who I am anymore. I am not going back to suppressing myself for anyone. I am going to learn to just be me. 

[time-2-vent]

So. This is a master post about my grandma. Some of this has already been talked about here but I posted this on my private fb and wanted to keep it here too.

.

Okay.. so. This is gonna be a long and detailed one.

Ive never had a space where I could vent about my grandma to more than just people close to me without being blamed or her finding out. The only family I have on here is my mom and im hiding this post from her for various reasons. I understand if many of you can't read all the way through this because its gonna be a lot. I just want the people around me to have a better grasp on exactly why im so depressed.

Before I start im gonna add a trigger list because there is a LOT and im probably going to be very emotional typing this. A lot of it ive never spoken about publicly.

So for a list of TW:

Emotional, physical, sexual, and animal abuse, r*pe, p*dophelia, racism, su*cide, hospitals, ableism, be******ty mention, fatshaming, weight mention, f slur.

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Okay. Im going to start at when I moved in with her. She tricked my mother into signing over custody of me when I was 10. When I was 9 years old I was forced into a mental hospital after being heavily overdosed on medications meant for adults to the point I was "sitting upside down in my chairs unresponsive and talking about tranquilizers" which i have no memory of. The hospital was probably the worst experience in my entire life and I was almost murdered by one of the older kids. After getting out of there I moved in with my grandma.

Throughout my life shes said and done so many horrible things to me. She would always yell and scream about the smallest mistakes. She used to pick me up by my hair. She was just fucking horrible to me.

Around the age of 10-11 when I started going through puberty she would always make fun of the way my genitals looked. She would ask me to stretch my labia out and move it around. Specifically she would ask me to "show me your bat wings". It was fucking disgusting but as a child I thought it was just haha funny joke.

For a while I thought I just imagined that until my mom brought it up to me and how she CAUGHT HER saying that to me multiple times. So I had confirmation that I wasn't just imagining it. I once confronted her about it and she immediately started crying (ive only seen her cry 3 times in my entire life) and told me if I ever said that again she would tell everyone in my family that I was a "prostitute" and would make everyone in my family hate me, and that it was my mother who did that to me.

My mom lived with me and my grandma for a few years but eventually moved out on her own because she couldn't handle my grandmas abuse.

My grandma dated my moms r*pist, which was my moms uncle, and told my mom she never got r*ped, and said my mom only fucked him for "attention and cigarettes". My mom was 12 at the time.

My grandma told me at 15 that the "only reason you think you're trans is because you got diddled as a kid"

My grandma called me a whore when I started becoming sexually active despite her having her first child at 16.

She once told me I was "just like my father" who is a sex offender and abused me as a child. I was also forced to give my at-the-time step brothers head when I was 3-5 and was taught that it was okay.

My grandma has called me every possible name in the book. Anytime she does something wrong its automatically my fault. She told me she would believe that im trans when I showed her my dick (at 16).

Shes incredibly rude and racist, says she hates how she can't understand Asian people. She's said the n word. She's made so many "jokes" about how "aggressive" Black people are. When my cousin found out he had Black in him she said, and I quote, "I always knew he had a n***r ass" which fucking disgusted me. Shes scoffed at my mother for limping. She scoffs at anyone disabled. Always says "you wouldn't catch me looking like that in public." She would tell my mom she was faking her pain. And coincidentally of all 4 of her kids, one was born with physical deformities. she says thats not the reason why, but she gave her up for adoption. She yells at anyone standing in her way who isn't aware. She is incredibly rude when she speaks to people to the point its embarrassing.

When I hung myself earlier this year and a friend came to pick me up she was yelling at me like "Oh so you went and tattled on me didnt you? Did you say oh boo hoo shes so abusiveeee!!" As I had literally just laid passed out in the snow from hanging myself.

When she found out I hung myself she bitched about how I had her snow boots and how she would have had to climb up the hill to find my fucking body as if it were a chore. She asked me if I wanted to be cremated out of nowhere and when I said no she replied "good I didn't want to have to pick your piercings out of your dead body" when I told her she made me want to kill myself she laughed at me and said "well then you'll never survive" my first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. A few weeks ago I started carving at my throat in front of her because im so desperate for her to LISTEN to me for 5 FUCKING SECONDS. I have legitimately cried on my knees and begged her to treat me like a person time and time again. She laughs at me and turns it around to my issues. She guilt trips me and makes me think everything is my fault. She calls me disgusting for having 1 or 2 shirts on the floor. She told me to MY FACE she will never see me as trans. Misgenders me, misgenders my friends. I jokingly told her one of my cis friends was trans, and when she left she asked me "does he really have a penis?" ABOUT A WHOLE ASS CIS WOMAN. She told me she ran over and killed a dog with a broken leg to "put it out of its misery" she would always use glue traps and I told her not to tell me about it so she waits until were in public and says "yknow whenever I catch a live mouse on one of the traps I throw it into a plastic bag and then go do the litter box to suffocate it". Shes threatened to make me pay the hospital bill when I called 911 because she was unconscious. She says horrible things to me EVERY FUCKIJG DAY. She's always making everying my fault all the time and sits and smiles while I'm sobbing and pouring my heart out because im tired of the abuse. Im so fucking tired. It goes on and on and on every day of my life. I literally slit my throat in front of her and she only stopped being mean for about a week. Im so depressed and mentally ill and this is beating on me every moment of my fucking life.

In not done but im shaking and need to stop typing for now

Edit: some other notable things, when my grandpa disowned me and stopped speaking to me for over a year she told me it was probably because of how disgusting I was. And "nobody wants to be around that".

She will ask me specific random questions about specific friends and if I dont know the answer or I forgot, she goes on a tangent about how terrible of a friend I am.

When I was cutting her hair she kept telling me I was doing it wrong, so I did it her way and she hated it and told me she's glad I didn't pursue hair because im terrible at it.

When my cat was dying she originally refused to take him to the vet because he was "just gonna die anyways so I might as well let him", then gave up her cat to the vet because she was peeing but didn't wanna take responsibility for that so she lied to them and said she showed up at her door and didn't tell them her age or even her name and that was so fucking cruel.

When she starts laughing at me sometimes she'll talk to me in a whiny "baby voice" and be like awwww, waaa im so abusedddd *mocks me crying*.

And she always talks in a tone that sounds pissed off and seems confused when I feel like I'm being scolded.

She gets in my face and puts her finger in my face and backs me into corners sometimes and then when I smack her hand out of my face she says she'll put me in jail for abuse.

Oh yea and simetimes when she gets mad at me she'll be like "ok GIRL" in the middle of me talking. Like its annoying and uncalled for.

I cant believe I forgot this holy shit. Years ago (was a minor here as well) I was attacked by my neighbors dog and it knocked me down and when I got home my grandma was accusing me of be******ty and said she was "watching it fuck me" and I was so fucking disgusted and hurt.. I try to block that from my memory because it was my third dog attack and I was traumatized.

She also regularly calls her brother a F@ggot. He is the only lgbt family member (he's gay) that i have.

She regularly fatshames people while only a few feet from them. And will whisper to me about how disgusting they look.

She asks for all of my friends deadnames and gets mad when I dont answer.

"I can't be abusive because I give you a home. I could have let social services take you."

"I cant be racist because my ex husband is Black"

"You must be living in a fantasy world where you make up shit that ive done."

"Id be depressed if I stayed in bed all day too."

"I need to learn to have lower expectations for you."

"I'm starting to resent you. So ill be taking 200$ a month for rent." (She has stopped this thankfully)(edit #2, she started taking it again im gonna be here forever lmao)

When I was underweight she would say things like "you look like an aids patient." And "Are you trying to look like your mother?"

"You're a hoarder"

[torvus-bong]

not asking for money. tw in bold

I just need to vent with some degree of anonymity but still get it out... it’s about my family mostly, I was assaulted last weekend and there’s a lot of ablism and transphobia happening. there’s talk of cancer, self harm, suicide. I don’t really have irl friends and im really lonely. bc i dont really have anyone to talk to i get long winded. so, long post. idk who else to tell. im just shouting into the void and hoping someone hears me. :’( I need loving vibes if you read this.

so if that’s not something you want on ur dash just scroll past.

So, quick background, my mom has brain cancer, her husband is an entitled, sexist asshole, and my brother’s also an asshole. It’s fair to say my mom and I are assholes sometimes, too. I’m mentally ill; I have been formally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar 2, epilepsy, and generalized anxiety. I’ve been on disability for the past four years. My mom has been dealing with her brain tumors and their adverse effects for fifteen years, although the cancer diagnosis is actually very recent. 

I came out as Two-spirit (non-binary) about three months ago. I changed my name and my pronouns. Everyone has been great about it, and by that I mean the miscellaneous acquaintances I sometimes interact with, and my partner & friends on the internet... everyone but my fucking family.

I give my mother a pass. I know she has memory problems and she really tries her best. It’s okay. But her husband and my brother? They don’t even try. In fact, they’ve all (including my mom) very deliberately deadnamed me for the specific purpose of hurting me.

My brother is excessively rude to me and I don’t understand why. He’s 19 and I’m 23.  About a month ago, he walked in the backyard while I was outside vaping, and he tried to hand me my headphones that I’d forgotten in his truck. I can’t pause a vape bowl without wasting a bunch, so I asked him, “Can you throw it on my bed on your way to your room?” (His room is beyond mine in the hallway.) Well, if I didn’t just ask for the whole fucking world. He slammed them down on the concrete and yelled at me that he just came home to do yardwork and he isn’t going inside. Ok. My mood was really low that day and that upset me a lot. When he was done and coming back to the yard I asked him to apologize for yelling for no reason, but he just yelled at me again.

I went inside to clean the kitchen, because cleaning helps me feel better sometimes. He comes inside (omg, I thought he wasn’t?) and starts antagonizing me again when I told him he was being very rude and hurtful. Tells me I was an asshole to him when we were kids and I never said sorry for all the shitty things I did. In actuality, I have apologized for specific wrongs because I grew up and felt guilty about them, yknow? But when I said this all he shouted was, YOU’VE DONE THINGS YOU’RE NOT EVEN AWARE YOU’VE DONE TO ME.

I was holding a sharp knife when he said this. the voice in my head told me I am awful and need to be punished. Long story short, I cut myself too deep. I lost a lot of blood and nearly went into shock. He drove me to the hospital and my mom met us there. since it was after her treatment and she was tired, I told her to go home. I thought that my brother would come back or that my mom would call or text me. Nah, they just left me there by myself, for seven hours, while I waited for stitches in a mental health crisis. Nobody texted me. I got a taxi home. :’( He never apologized.

Now, dave, my mom’s husband... he could get his own post, that’s how much I hate him. he’s been with my mom on and off for 20 years, and they got married 7 years ago. I never liked him. when I was a teenager, he felt it necessary to install a program on all the computers I used that took a screenshot every two seconds and keyloggers. He was supposed to stop when I was 18 but he didn’t. This caused a huge fight... he’s also screamed in my face before. Keeping in mind he is 6ft 4in and 300lbs and I’m barely 5ft 7in and 200lbs. When I was a minor, he’s tried to hit me. He was chasing me into my room, and I closed the door and put my back to it. He threw himself against it three times and broke in. It left a serious, doorknob-shaped bruise on my lower back. He tried to bend me over his knee to flog me with a belt. I was a 16 year old girl.

He’s also turned off the power to my and my brother’s side of the apartment (when we lived in one, we live in a house now). My brother couldn’t fall asleep without the weather channel as a kid, and when I couldn’t sleep I wrote. He would turn it off so I didn’t have lamplight to write by in my insomnia, and upset my brother’s sleep in the process. My mom was pissed when we told her.

I use medicinal cannabis, but before I got my licence, I relied on street stuff, and no one in my household (except for my mom) approved of this. One time, when I was in a really bad crisis, she gave me ten dollars and told my brother to drive me to get a gram. I left my bong and grinder on the balcony, out of sight. When I got back, it wasn’t there, so I checked my backpack thinking maybe I put it away. Wasn’t there. I remembered seeing dave with a garbage bag when I walked in... he never ever ever lifts a finger around here. I put two and two together and go talk to my mom and tell her that I’m pretty sure he’s trying to take my shit. I was in a crisis and gosh, I really fucking needed this bullshit right now. He played stupid at first (”What?! She has drug paraphernalia in the apartment?!”) but when my mom wasn’t buying it, he ran out the apartment with my bong and grinder in the garbage bag. She runs after him and tells him to stop at the end of the hallway. Basically, I got a running start and knocked him over, shattering my bong. I hurt him pretty bad, too. I did get my grinder back though and my mother bought me some papers. This wasn’t the only time when he’s taken and broken my shit.

This asshole has also cheated and lied to my mother multiple times. He believes he is entitled to relationships with other women and that my mother should just get over it. This is not within the boundaries of their marriage. 

My mom is generally a fucking angel and she deserves so much better. He does nothing around the house, everything falls on my shoulders bc mom is ill and my brother is a lazy, entitled shitcouch as well. dave is also never wrong. You literally can’t argue with him because no matter what you say, his response is the correct one. And even if you are right and he can’t deny it, he’ll pretend to think it through/physically work through the problem ‘by himself’ and pretend he came up with the right answer all along. That kind of person.

So he was calling my mom an emotional abuser because she doesn’t trust him, for the reasons in bold above and also because of the things he’s done to me. Wow, right? Apparently, because the cheating and lying happened “years ago” (in reality, the most recent incident was six months ago), she should just get over it and trust him again. You know what? The shit that I did as a teenager happened years ago too. Maybe get over your fucking grudge before you try to tell someone else to get over their very justified “grudge”.

He was accusing her of emotional abuse because of this, and because she got really upset when he disappeared into the basement for a six hour nap. He had only been awake for three (to drive her to radiation), and before that, he slept for a full 14 hour night (7pm to 9am). After that radiation appointment, she slipped into one of her odd episodes where she gets extremely confused and non-verbal, and her body tenses up from the sheer amount of pain she’s in. It’s a really vulnerable state that she doesn’t like to face alone. 

Well shit, she’s an emotional abuser for being upset that he went to nap for 6 hours and left her alone in that state. This resulted in a heated argument. The stress of it all was pushing my mom into another of the episodes described above, the first sign of which is a marked change in her voice - she sounds a little drunk before she goes non-verbal. So that’s happening. And then he’s trying to power play (”I’m going to get you a pill. You don’t want one? I’ll get one anyway. Give me your magic bag.”) but she didn’t want his help. I am listening to this from my bedroom and I can’t take it anymore. Upon entering the living room, my mom is shriveled up in her chair, arms crossed over chest and leaning away from him. he’s standing less than a foot away and leaning over her. I walk up and say, “I don’t like the way you’re talking to and intimidating my mother right now.”

He turned around and says, trying to intimidate me,” No one is intimidating anyone.”

I’ll spare the long-winded details but this lead to a physical altercation. I shoved him away from my mom, then he threw me into a table, threw me to the ground, told me I was “gonna be locked up in a special apartment where special people can take care of [me] for the rest of [my] life”, and punched me in the face before running out the door. My mom is crying at me that he’s gonna kick me out. I have no where to go. She asks me where I’ll go and I just shake my head.

My brother pipes up, “And you’re sitting there shaking your head and I just know you’re gonna making your living situation mom’s problem.” And walks away. Thanks, shitcouch.

I tell my online friends about what happened. I try to get in touch with old friends in the vicinity, to try to get out of the house for a few hours, maybe even a few days. Nobody wanted to help or hang out. They all just told me to call the police, 3 days later, but I didn’t want to. I knew that no charges could be laid and that he’d try to kick me out. But everyone just kept pushing. So I did. You know what happened? I reported it on the non-emergency line. They came here to assess for like 15 minutes. No charges can be laid because it was a mutual fight (eye roll). And he tried to kick me out. 

My mom gave me a month’s notice yesterday morning. 

So thank you, everyone who pressured me into calling the police. Now I will be effectively homeless in a month, because I can’t afford an apartment on my dismal disability budget. Plus I’m at way higher risk for suicide and self-harm when I live alone... 

I’m still trying to find places to go and people to listen... and I’m appalled and broken by the rejection. If someone had come to me with this same problem... I would let them into my home without a doubt. :’( But I’m stuck locking the doorknob on my door to feel relatively safe. I’m thrown into near-panic when I hear him walking by my room. My entire body shivers with hatred when I hear his stupid voice or his awful, cavernous breathing, or the way he eats and drinks like a fucking pig. I can literally hear these things through a closed door. I’m going insane. Suicidal thoughts and plans that have been in place for years swirl in the background noise in my head, and forgive me for being melodramatic... but in light of recent events, I really feel like the end is near...

[hamonnose]

Trans ask game: all the odd numbers up to 11 (also i didn't know you were trans why don't you put it in your bio?)

Lemme answer your question about me being not having my gender in my bio… Honestly it’s probably cus I’m like still figuring things out. I mean I know I’m not cis, and I prefer he/him pronouns most of the time, and I definitely have dysphoria more often than not BUT at the same time some times i’m fine with being called a she, and presenting femininely, and sometimes i even like my body (in relation to the dysphoria… i don’t really have a problem with my body otherwise). So I don’t really want to put genderqueer in my bio cus first of all it feels like a placeholder until i find a label that fits me perfectly (not saying that if you identify as genderqueer that it doesn’t fit you perfectly), and second on my first blog I got yelled at by an anon who said genderfluid/genderqueer people don’t count as trans and that I should stop identifying as trans since I wasn’t clear cut “ftm” (which isn’t really a term i like using). While I personally think that’s bullshit and anyone who isn’t cis can identify with the umbrella term trans if they want i’d like to avoid that happening again. So maybe I’ll put he/him in my blog description but idk if that’ll just cause more confusion? Long story short… Idk I just don’t wanna? Now! On to the questions

Questions from the Trans Ask Game (I’ll be answering all off anon questions privately so if you wanna just talk about this stuff in private that’s cool too)

1. How did you choose your name?Right now I’m going by Joss and that’s just a shortening of my deadname. I started using it in sophomore year when I started going to a new school where no one knew me and I felt ok with choosing a more gender-neutral nickname. Recently though I’ve been thinking of changing it completely since it’s really close to my deadname and sometimes it makes me uncomfortable (I’m thinking Lance [no not because of Voltron thanks] or Lylle).

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?I experience both sadly… But more often than not it’s physical dysphoria cus I have DDs and it’s real hard to pass when sports bras just make me look like i have a monoboob and i can’t afford a binder (I bought a binder a lil bit ago but it’s still hasn’t gotten here).

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?When I first learned what the word meant (7th grade). See my mom raised me kinda without gender roles… Like she was a very pro “girls and boy can do anything they want as long as they’re not hurting anyone” kind of mom. She would also let me shop wherever i wanted and I had a good mix of “boys” and “girls” clothes (my favorite combo was a cute skirt with a pokemon shirt and a cool jacket) so it wasn’t really weird for me to be into traditionally masculine stuff and I never took it as an insult for kids to tell me i acted like a boy cus “yeah so what?”. Also mom was a bartender and that meant she knew all kinds of people including lots of LGBTQ+ people (and since she was the boss’ kid if any of the workers gave them trouble for who they were she’d put those bigots in their place). So I was also raised that “if someone says they’re a boy then they’re a boy, and it’s ok to ask if you don’t know but be polite… And staring till you think you figured it out is not polite.” So I guess I never really thought about gender (or sexuality tbh) till I started middle school and i started feeling uncomfortable being feminine so i stopped wearing “girly” clothes and started wearing jeans and HUGE OVERSIZED (and i mean lil 4′10 me wearing mens size XXL) sweaters that made me shapeless. In 7th grade I made a friend who was on tumblr and when she came out as bi to our friend group it made me start thinking about it and a few days later i said “I think i’m bi too? I mean the only difference between a boy and a girl is their boobs and how they pee right?” She calmly (if slightly irritated at my ignorance) explained that “no that’s not how gender works, there’s a difference between gender and sex.” So that day when I got home I did what any confused millennial would do and googled it. That’s how i found out what transgender, and genderqueer, and genderfluid, etc. etc. meant and when I first suspected I wasn’t cis.

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?When my lil sister calls me brother instead of sister and it makes me feel so loved honestly.

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?Loaded question.... I’m kinda out to some people but not to others? I came out to my mom in the middle of the night crying cus i was so frustrated with my body and she handled it pretty well (Asked if i wanted to be called something other than my deadname, called me son and mijo, told me she supported me) but with my grandparents and friends.... Strangely enough I think I’m like officially out to only one of my friends, like I’ve asked him to use he/him and he does so like shoutout to Neil for being awesome. We didn’t necessarily talk about it but he wished me a happy trans day of visibility so like... I think he knows? Idk if my best friend knows... I mean I’ve told her that i’m like not exactly a girl (long story) but I haven’t asked her to use He/Him or officially came out to her. To be fair neither of us came out to each other as not straight but we figured it out. She’s probably reading this. Hi mattie love you nerdo! As for the rest of my family other than my mom (and my lil sis) I’m really only dropping hints. But like big hints. Like when my uncle says i’m the prettiest girl i will straight up say “But I’m not a girl.” and he’ll ask “Then what are you?” to which i usually respond “I just am.” I’m not afraid to come out to him but if he knows then EVERYBODY knows (our fam loves to gossip tbh). I use masculine pronouns and such for myself so i think most of my immediate fam has figured it out but like I still have yet to sit everybody down and be like “Ay y’all... I’m trans” But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

11. What are your experiences with binding or tucking?Well when I was in 6th grade trying to cosplay (Prussia from hetalia... I was a weeb i know) for the first time i used ace bandages. THAT IS A BIG NO NO!! IT IS A HEALTH CONCERN DON’T USE ACE BANDAGES!! I stopped after like 2-3 times of binding like that because I read online that it was bad and could hurt you big time (and hurt your chances of top surgery in the future). So then I just used sports bras for a while... Which didn’t work all that well (puberty hit early and my boobs were the first things to grow). My mom got me a real binder for my 16th birthday which was great and i used it for both everyday and cosplay stuff. Sadly I outgrew it in like a year since again puberty sucks. I sent it to someone through one of those binder exchange programs. Then I got a cheap binder that didn’t work very well and I won’t lie... A few times I got desperate and put ace bandages over the crappy binder. WHICH IS AN EVEN BIGGER NO NO THAN JUST ACE BANDAGES!!! Mostly it was alone at home just to chase away the dysphoria for a little bit but i went out for quick grocery runs with thaat set up a few times. Now I’m waiting on a new binder that will hopefully work better than the last one (it should get here in about a week and i’m so excited).

Thank you for the questions nonnie ^.^