#also she said my plans and outlook on life are really fucking good ?? i was right abt nearly everything and my parents weren't. oh my

[radio-sepia]

okay fine i'll go to a mediocre art school so i'm actually forced to draw and create. boom. i gain skills. i try to figure myself out and also gain more confidence in expressing myself through art. i do that for a year and we'll see what next

[detectivenyx]

2023 In Review

for me, 2023 just kind of... came and went. very quickly. i kind of wish it didn't.

there's been some horrific mental-health stuff, not aided by what's going on, both in my little corner of the world and across the world in general. i'll start with the negatives, so we can end on a positive note - that seems like a good outlook for the year.

there's obviously the horrendous situation with the writers and actors strike, where garbage studios think paying people for their hard-made art is very much an optional thing rather than fucking mandatory. yet in this year, warner bros, the company who's the most mask-off with their transphobia (still releasing HP stuff and hiring a TERF and sandy hook truther to voice one of the most well-known female characters in mortal kombat), releases a 2 hour toy commercial and gets heralded a Feminist Masterpiece for the same messages that Mean Girls and Legally Blonde had shovelled out two decades earlier. there's also just the countless fucking genocides. i'm hoping and praying that the victims of those genocides are not wiped out, even if i've acknowledged i cannot help directly.

but in addition, i think this year just sealed the deal for me about the cosplay community. i'm still routinely dragged to cosplay events - it's either that or be socially isolated for two whole months as it's all that gets talked about - and the local 'in-crowd' community is as garbage as ever. someone a close friend wanted to hitch a ride back towards the city with just. randomly started spouting anti-trans sports propaganda to us? she started complaining about trans women 'having a biological advantage' by being taller or whatever. the absolute second that this person was away from a transmasc friend and with two people she didn't fully know, she just assumed we were both cis and went full mask-off with transphobia, and that indicates to me that things have gotten worse since i left. i want to return to cosplay badly, but the fucking community just keeps letting shit like that slide, going to a con run by a neonazi and excusing it with 'it lets me see my friends!' like they've never learned how to plan an outing more than two weeks in advance before. ultimately it makes cosplaying barely worth it; it's an expensive hobby that now only for my own validation. there's no leftist cosplayers in queensland - only people cosplaying as leftists.

it also doesn't help that, off-topic, i am pretty sure i know my dad's care for me is hollow now; something happened in september to prove it to me. there's also the fact that this year introduced me to now having chronic back pain thanks to his neglect, and i don't think i'll ever get any sort of apology from him. and while probably the least-bad thing in the list, one of the more charismatic members of a channel i'd just got introduced to had sexually harassed a semi-guest of the channel.

that said: in newer spaces, and in general, i think things are looking up. the aforementioned channel kicked the sexual harasser, and re-structured so that it was unlikely to ever happen again. i joined up with a new group of people to play Blood on the Clock Tower in-person every month and online a few times a week - and quite frankly i would trust those people with my life. i think just having something to do that isn't a popularity contest has been healing. i'm not super close to the people there yet (or maybe im misjudging it? i don't know how healthy relationships irl work if i'm honest). sewing has been fun, as has finding out an interest in vintage patterns - i'm hoping in 2024 to actually make some of them. finding resources for free patterns (via mood.com - a really good resource, i've found) and having fun with the creation has also been fun, though my fabric stash is getting pretty full now thanks to my many trips to a second-hand fabric store. the last con of the year also wasn't all bad; really only cementing my decision to remove myself at the very end of the con day. i wouldn't have considered coming back at all if the con hadn't been a fun time; even getting to meet someone who was a fan of my youtube channel. a recent bout of hostility for a two-year-old video because someone decided to grift off it had given me doubts about my channel; bad or not, those videos are still fully mine, more than, say, somerton- sorry, i mean someone can say. but i think just being able to see someone, physically, who liked my videos, made it a lot better. (and i purchased a pronoun pin from them and the pin is super duper cute and they gave me a really cute sticker oh my god--)

so, rather than setting resolutions, i tend to set themes for years after seeing this video by SCP Grey that offers it as an alternative. this year was the Year of Education - a year where i did my best to focus on my learning and educational pursuits. at the start of the year i set myself three semi-goals that could change; to do my Master's in Arts, to keep learning Japanese, and to learn corsetmaking techniques.

i wound up re-joining my university in the middle of the year to do my Honours in Creative Industries, focusing on adapting social deduction games and their game theories into the design of a narrative. i'm a little behind on the narrative itself, but the articles i've read and the definitely-research-and-not-a-thinly-veiled-excuse-to-play-games have both been fascinating for me, both in how much theory is kind of just ableist bonkers nonsense and what thin bits of truth are actually present (in all people, deception requires more cognitive thought; there's usually either scriptedness or a very slight delay when someone's trying to deceive - which proved useful when i finally watched roblox_oof.mp3 and noticed both in mister tallarico's behaviour).

my education with japanese fell by the wayside - i got burned out trying to keep up my streak with moving house yet again, and just kind of did the bare minimum to keep up the streak and stay in the diamond league. i think some of my basics have gotten a bit stronger, but that's all.

with that said, i learned a lot more about making clothes over the course of the year! admittedly, i still struggle with making a skirt fit correctly (it is either severely too big for me even with elastic in the back, or just small enough to be uncomfortable in day-to-day wear) but i think i've created a bodice block that fits close enough. i've also kind of fallen in love with a second hand place sort-of near my house that sells a lot of vintage and second-hand fabrics for cheap, which is really useful as a seamstress living on unemployment who'd like to make All Of The Things. i did also make a corset this year, but aside from the busk, it used some really shoddy materials - i accidentally made the lining layer out of broadcloth rather than twill or herringbone and the outer layer was a polyester brocade and a polyester waist tape, meaning the entire thing was just. the itchiest fucking thing in the universe. (and i was wearing an underlayer, it didn't do much to help). i have materials to remake it, i've just been unsure how to go about it.

so that's been my year (alongside obscene amounts of baldur's gate 3). onto 2024 and the goals there!

[maygrcnt]

Let’s see the Olivia 911 song list

thank youuuuu for asking i love you!! i know i said five but i didn’t want to stop at five so i did ten. also im gonna try and refrain myself from just saying every song is a buck song but it’s hard

1. Brutal- seasons 1-3 May. I feel like we as a collective don’t talk about the early seasons of may grant enough. she was just a kid! and she was being bullied so bad she thought she didn’t have any way out of it, it’s so heartbreaking. and then she just kept going through stuff in her family life and… i just care for her so much and this is HER song fr.

2. Deja Vu- Buddie. there’s no like actual moment of buddie for deja vu but i just feel like this is what’s going through both of their heads every single time the other person has a date with someone else. like this is the one and only buddie jealousy song to me!

3. Vampire- Buck/abby. like i’m sorry you can’t convince me buck abby was an ethical relationship and im NOT talking about the age gap even though that’s the main point of this song. like she got his info in a sketchy way and then basically used him to help her heal until she was ready to move on but then didn’t even have the guts to do an actual breakup and left the kid hanging for months. call me a bitch but i feel very comfortable saying she sucked so much of his energy and life. it took two full seasons for him to fully find closure from that while she had started a whole new life! :/

4. Stranger- Buck/abby again lol. this is like the other side of that argument where it’s like, buck was totally crushed but now in season seven who the fuck cares about her! she’s just a stranger now! and the lyric “you are the best thing i keep so far out of my life” is very them. because she did change his outlook on life in MANY ways but his healing from her was the best thing he could have ever done.

5. logical & enough for you- maddie. my heart breaks listening to these songs from a maddie perspective. thinking about how long she suffered and dealt with so much she didn’t deserve,,, these are the best songs for her imo especially the lyric “one day i’ll be everything for somebody else” because she is she really is! and she’s getting married to the person who looks at her like she hung the moon and i love her!!!

6. Making the bed- eddie, specifically pre canon eddie. idk how to explain this one but it’s very much just the idea of him getting back to his son realizing how shit things are and being like … i had a part in making this problem and now i need to fix my shit. and then he did!

7. 1sf3sb- henren in the early seasons/precanon. the cheating storyline is one of my least favs but i love how they showed them rebuilding from it and coming back even stronger. but in the midst of it all this song is truly very them from karen’s perspective. she was valid for everything during that time btw karen is a literal saint for her patience.

8. boahsg- ravi, our little clumsy socially awkward darling

9. Love is embarrassing- Bisexual buck!!!!!! this is my fav liv song and it’s so buck it’s not even funny. the anthem for the give more than they get hopeless romantics oh god i love him and it became way way more buck when he kissed a man who’s kind of a loser. i bet he’s planning out his wedding with a guy he’s never marrying right now!

10. finally, the newest addition to my list and the most important in my mind: Scared of my guitar the most buddie song to ever buddie (other than good luck babe). I love this song so much coming from the perspective of them literally not being able to lie to each other but they can lie to significant others like it’s nothing. oh there’s so much good stuff in there it’s amazing.

thank you for letting me do this anon ily

[slurrmp]

I posted 926 times in 2022

45 posts created (5%)

881 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@phoebehalliwell

@timelordgifs

@endlessinspos

@sundayrubyss

@iced-tea-possibly

I tagged 915 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#0 - 63 posts

#dw - 132 posts

#dw spoilers - 72 posts

#sw - 52 posts

#snw - 36 posts

#m. ramona reed. - 32 posts

#the master - 29 posts

#starscream - 28 posts

#s. ellie & starscream. - 28 posts

#m. elenore white. - 20 posts

Longest Tag: 92 characters

#look this was a piece i had written ages ago abt a different oc & a slightly different plot.

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

gdi please like this if you see it on dash &/or in the tag. I feel like I’m shadowbanned.

21 notes - Posted April 19, 2022

#4

oh no the urge to write, reader is in love with the doctor but they don’t tell them and it’s too late because yaz is as well -

31 notes - Posted January 2, 2022

#3

See the full post

40 notes - Posted November 20, 2022

#2

unrequited ✰ 13th doctor x reader. part one.

a/n: based on this little prompt i wrote back during the new years special. have fun with the angst because that apparently is all i can do now. also two fics in the span of at least six weeks? ahahahahahahaha, i just up and vanished again - really hope my writing funk disappears soon but like ... wygd. so this is part one, because i assignments i need to do and i just wanted to get this out there after a solid four month hiatus.

Have you ever had a crush on someone but you knew that it was almost impossible for you to do anything about it? Every time you saw them, those stupid, awful butterflies would form in the pit of your stomach and would proceed to fly all over the place and you felt like you would throw up? That your body would gravitate towards them without you even realising it, that everything they did you wanted to do as well? Well - that’s how you felt about the Doctor. You strongly knew you shouldn’t because of the whole being an alien and a gajillion years old thing  but it was just one big fucking mess. 

To say the least.

However, your little human heart couldn’t help it. Your human emotions would always get the better of you. Something the Master had relentlessly teased you about because he saw it before YOU even did. How that rat of a Time Lord saw it always confused you - he had said that it was in your eyes, but the man lied on a good day, so you never wanted to take his word for it. But - you had ended up trying your best to keep your emotions off your face after that. Though, that wasn’t even the most depressing part of the story. Your eyes would always lock on to her frame as she entered a room, watch as she’d float around the console. Your heart would speed up when she would explain plans with her hands and monologue about universes and tell stories (especially about that time she was struck by lightening having fun with Benjamin Franklin.) 

To be quite frank with yourself, you were disgusted by the way she made you feel. You had never really been big on having a partner. Never really wanted to be in a relationship - you liked being by yourself too much, hanging out with your family and friends and then coming home at the end of the night to peace and quiet - sleeping in a big bed only shared by your pet. Some would consider that sad, but you always knew that you preferred your own company to that of anyone else's. But traveling with the Doctor for more than a couple of months now, that all seemed to have changed. Your outlook on life had drastically shifted gear, considering the fact that you could probably DIE on these certain adventures - that anytime you stepped FOOT out of the TARDIS, your life was in the Doctor’s hands. You ended up making a will after the first near death experience with the Doctor you ever had. 

She made you feel like you could do anything, that you were invincible, that you couldn’t be hurt or touched - that you were under her protection. Then came the touches, the hugs, the hanging off you when telling a story. Holding hands and sharing clothes, being used as a human notepad. It was a really really bad crush (even as much as you tried to fool yourself). You had thought about telling her countless times but it never seemed like the right moment. The way she would look at you when you asked to speak to her but that all changed when Yaz entered the picture.

Yaz would always come and ruin it.

You loved Yaz, you promised you really did - it was the green eyed little alien that lived in the back of your head that made you hate to see her. They would always partner up when you were on a new planet. They would always be the first to have a moment. They would always be the ones to stay up late having tea and talking about the day.

It sucked. Majorly.

You would mumbled under your breath and just stay at the back of the pack. Graham and Ryan hardly noticed - they were too busy with their own lives to worry about yours. It was a shame that the Master was the only one to notice - that was until Dan came along. That’s when everything drastically changed. 

“You should tell her you know.” His voice had caused you to jump. You had been standing in the doorway to the console room - head peeking around the corner, watching the Doctor talk to Yaz about something. They were barely a foot apart, heads pressed together almost - looking down at the console.

“Jesus Daniel.” You complained hand coming to rest over your heart. His eyes narrowed at the name, he still hadn’t told you if that was his real name or not (you had been trying to guess his birth name for the last couple of weeks), but a smirk pulled at the corner of his lips, before his own arms crossed over his chest. 

“I’m just saying...” Your FULL name fell from his lips and a whine escaped your own. “You’re going to lose your chance.” head tilted in the direction of the console room. 

“I never had a chance.” Came the pitiful reply. Dan’s eyes narrowed again. He hadn’t been with the three of you for very long, but in the short spam of time, he had witnessed your TERRIBLE pining. Your longing looks and awful stuttering whenever you got too flustered. The older man snorted before patting you on the back. 

“You never know.” He pulled away stepping over the threshold of the console room with a wink, before he turned around and made his way up the stairs. You would as Yaz beamed at him and then drastically started retelling the story the Doctor had just told her. A groan left you, as you fell forward onto the wall once more, your head banging against it for a couple of seconds. Pulling away, you peeked around once more and watched the three of them. Eyes focusing on the Doctor. Her eyes had never once strayed from Yaz’s face, and that god awful heavy feeling in your chest reappeared. This is why you never did romance, never did love - never made yourself openly available to over people. You always ended up getting hurt. 

“Where’s...” Yaz lingered off as her dark eyes spotted you just down the stairs. Her smile reappeared (you hated that she made you feel ... comfortable) and the Doctor turned around, her own smile plastered over her pale skin. Then it disappeared and that heavy feeling got heavier. 

Oh god, don’t notice. 

You thought to yourself, Yaz had waved you up, calling your name followed by “You’ll never bloody believe what this thing does” and you had no choice but to comply. Hands twisted with each other, your eyes now avoiding the Doctor’s, as you came to stand next to Yaz - you forced a smile. 

                                                    -x-

The planet was cold. Your face had scrunched up at the sudden blast of freezing air once the TARDIS doors opened. You stood just inside the time machine, arms wrapped around your stomach and your chin buried into the fabric of your scarf. You really didn’t want to go out there - you just wanted to go back to bed. Cry about your sorrows and watch Love Actually. Mmm maybe not, that - it might make you feel worse. 

The Doctor on the other hand had been ecstatic. Started to blab about the last time she had been on a planet completely frozen, something to do with the Ood and a giant brain. Yaz and Dan however, held almost the same exact facial expression as you - they weren’t too keen about this weather, but Yaz was the first companion off the ship. Of course she bloody was. Your eyes focused on the back of her head, trying to ignore the fact that the Doctor had grasped onto the other woman’s hand immediately and they were off down the hill. Dan looked back at you with a sympathetic look. 

“Come on, love, it won’t be that bad.” He tried to comfort you. “You can partner up with me?” Bless him, he really was trying to distract you. So you gave a soft smile, only nodding your head in the direction of the others. You’d follow after - but Dan gave a look as if he didn’t believe you. Eventually when the others had started to notice that you weren’t following them they stopped. Dan still focused on your face. “Oh love...” He sighed before a hand squeezed your bicep. A choked laugh left you, shaking your head quickly you ducked to look at the floor.

“You’re going to make me cry, Daniel.” You muttered.

“Oi, you two!” The Doctor shouted back at you and Dan. Lifting your head slightly, you could see her looking back, while her hand which was still in Yaz’s, was extended. “You can’t just stay in the TARDIS all day!” You let your gaze fall back on Dan. The both of you just stood there for a couple of seconds, before he sighed and let you go.

“Don’t take too long,” He said before he stepped out fully into the cold. “She’ll start to wonder where you’ve gone.”

“Promise,” You mumbled. “Just - need to get some gloves.” You lied. Dan sighed before he turned around and trailed after the others. Taking a deep breath in, you buried your hands into the pockets of your massive jacket. “I hate this,” You mumbled, turning around you came to a sudden jolt when right in front of you was a coat rack, but instead of coats, there were a pair of gloves. A soft smile spread across yours lips, you looked up at the ceiling of the TARDIS. “Thanks old girl.” Grabbing the gloves, you slipped them on before you turned around again and followed after the others - wrapping your scarf and jacket closer to your body.

You took your spot at the back of the group - the three of them all walked in a line, that was until the Doctor had noticed. “What are you doing back there?” The question almost made you jump, looking up, the Doctor had stopped - turned around and gave you a pointed look. Your name fell from her lips, before she leaned forward, grabbed a hold of your hand and pulled you next to her. “No one is to walk at the back.” She gave you a pointed look and you couldn’t help the blush that rushed to your cheeks - you were glad that it was a SNOW planet, can just blame the weather for that one. You fell into step with her.

Her hand was about the same size as yours, which made holding it easy. Looking down at your hands, fingers laced between yours. “Don’t want to lose anyone.” The Doctor finished her voice sounding so close to your ear.

How could you tell this crush of yours to fuck off.

See the full post

45 notes - Posted August 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

stargazing ✰ 13th doctor x reader

a/n: uwu what's this? i live?

holy shit - i'm so sorry for leaving you all for like eight months. just i hit writer's block and the lack of doctor who made it hard for me to get any sort of writing done. anyway, the easter special awoke my urge to write and this came out of it. definitely not really up to parr - but i hope y'all enjoy it. just some soft fluffy moments.

slight spoilers for the special. But not heavy.

posted on my ao3 | wattpad.

“Don’t say a word.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything!”

There’s a smirk that slowly forms at the corner of your lips. Your eyes remained closed and your hands were clasped together, resting on your stomach. The breeze was cool against your face, a nice change from the whole running in the middle of the desert thing all four of you did earlier that day. The sound of waves crashing against the rocks was almost enough to lull you into a deep sleep. Your body was sore and the bandage around your rib cage was uncomfortable, but that was the price you paid when you did stupid things. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Yaz and Dan had decided to go into the village to find something for the humans of the group to eat - you had a strong craving for seafood, considering where you were staying for the night, but you had no idea what type of food you could even get on this planet. There had been a couple of places that you just could not stomach the food that had been offered to you - worms and something that looked like snails had been the last place you visited, you couldn't keep them in your stomach - throwing them back up, which meant that you didn't eat at all until you were back on the TARDIS, which had been a full twelve hours. You knew that you should probably eat something today if you didn't want the Doctor on your ass again. You had almost fainted from the lack of food on the last trip, and you had been injured this time around - running back to your little air bnb like place didn't help your injuries whatsoever. Having been forced into the bathroom, the Doctor had applied the fast healing cream onto your rib cage and also forced you on bed rest for the rest of the evening, that didn't stop you, however, from utilizing the cute little balcony thing up on the roof.

It was about twenty minutes later that the Doctor had come to join you. Nudging you slightly, so that both of you could fit on the one lounge chair together.

“I was just going to point out the constellations for you.” She continued. A sigh escaped you, as your eyes cracked open. You stared up into the spotted blackness of the sky. The planet had TWO moons, making the evening appear to be brighter than home. The multitude of stars made your head spin - it was almost like there were more stars on this side of the galaxy than at home. “But if you would rather sit here in silence, that's okay as well.”

Turning your head to look at the Time Lord - whose shoulder rested against your own - you couldn’t help the laugh that left you. “Of course you can point out the constellations for me.” You had almost been worried that the Doctor would chew you out again for your reckless behaviour today. But hearing that she only wanted to tell you about the stars, made your entire body feel light for once. The Doctor turned her head towards you - your breath sudden caught at the back of your throat. She was higher up on the recliner than you, causing her nose to brush against your forehead slightly. There had been this ... THING lingering between both of you for a while now. Ever since New Year's and the ever occurring time loop, Dan had figured it out - even Yaz and you didn’t know whether that was a good thing or not. They kept trying to nudge you in the right direction but - after dealing with the Sea Devils and the pirates, after hearing the fact that the Doctor couldn't fix herself to anyone - you backed off.

It was hard to do. Very hard to do. It almost felt like you had shut off a part of yourself, but you didn't want to make the centuries-old alien uncomfortable.

“Are you sure?” She questioned you. Tilting your head up ever so slightly, you rolled your eyes at her. She nudged your arm. “Oi, I just want to make sure - don’t want you going to Yaz and complaining about me.” A fake gasp escaped your lips as you sat up. Your right leg fell off the chair, and you twisted around to look back at the blonde.

“I do not go to Yaz to bitch thank you very much.” The Doctor laughed - causing your smile to grow wider. Slender fingers wrapped around your wrist, pulling you back down on the recliner - but the angel was wrong, causing you to stretch your ribs too far. Your face scrunched up. Why was it whenever you got into a fight, your body would meet a solid object almost every time. Your ribs hurt like a bitch, but the cream that the Doctor had put over your rib cage was slowly starting to take effect. “Besides, it’s really Dan that I go and complain to.” The Doctor snorted as you laid your head against her chest - the sound of twin heartbeats luring you in closer. Your arm slung across her stomach.

“You three...” Her voice was soft, as her fingers started to brush through your hair. “Humans, never cease to amaze me.” A huff left you. “You are so very fragile but you never back down from a fight.” Your nose scrunched once again - of course, she had to make mention of your failed fight. “And when you get hurt and knocked down, you get back up. You’ve spread across the entire galaxy and you continue to live your lives.” You tilted your head back slightly, looking up at the Time Lord. “You have such a short life span, but you do so much within the confinements of those years.”

“To you, we must seem so young.” You replied. Hazel eyes caught yours then. It was quiet for a couple of seconds, before the Doctor leaned forward and pressed a kiss to your forehead. Swallowing, you buried your head into her side. She was bad for your health. Very bad. The things that you would do for this alien were almost sinful. Your mother would never have approved of this relationship - which was why you never told your parents about the things you had been doing for the last three years.

“So very young, which is why I have to keep saving you a lot.” Fingers resumed their petting of your head. “But I never get tired of it.” You could feel the Doctor’s gaze staring down at the side of your face before she tightened her arms around you, pulling you closer to her. Pulling your head out from her side, you let your gaze focus on the night sky.

It was quiet for a couple of minutes - the only noise that could be heard by both of you was the waves. Then suddenly there was a flash in the sky (accompanied by a low rumble). Your arm shot out above you, pointing to the streak of light. “What’s that? A shooting star?” You questioned, you could feel the Doctor move underneath you - her arm coming to join yours. Her index finger pointed at it and you could almost picture her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth and one eye closed. Hand traveled the direction that the “star” had come from, only for it to land on the horizon.  

“The nine-fifteen shuttle to Orion.” The Doctor answered. The prideful tone in her voice made you sit up once again and look down at her.

“The shuttle?” You questioned.

"Leaves every couple of days." A huff left you and your smile was back. "Now, come on - lie back down and I'll tell you all about these clusters of stars." And so you did, finding your position again, snuggled into the Doctor's side. Head rested against her chest, as you watched her finger dance between the shiny dots. You were going to miss this.

89 notes - Posted April 18, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[finelinevogue]

he’s so vogue

Description - you are the journalist for the new Harry Styles December Vogue Issue

A/N - how is everyone doing? hope you enjoy! if you have any requests please feel free to ask. love you all and have a lovely rest of the week!

warnings: swearing

[masterlist]

Being a journalist for Vogue was probably the biggest flex you could ever make.

After 3 years of studying English Literature at Surrey University, you never thought, only a year after, you'd be working as an apprentice at Vogue UK. If it weren't for your Aunty, who worked in the fashion design section at Vogue HQ, then you'd no doubt still be a broke-ass, single, lonely student. Ok, lonely you still were but your job was so full-on that you didn't have time for a relationship.

Two years into your apprenticeship you were promoted to an official member of the team, and then another two years later you got promoted to team leader in your department of journalism, and editing; The Media - or as you like to call it - "The Celeb Goss". You were beyond happy with your job and found such passion in every article your wrote. Whether it be about a new celebrity romance or the collapse of one, you found a way to story-tell in such a meditated way that everyone loved your pieces.

That's why the Harry Styles had requested you to be the one to interview him.

Of course you'd written about A-list celebrities in the past, producing articles on pregnancy rumours, or engagements, or breakups, but you'd never met them before authoring an article. You'd met plenty of D-list celebrities who thought they were mega famous, but if you mentioned their names people would turn around and ask "who?".

This is why interviewing Harry Styles was a massive thing for you.

Not very often did you get to do work out in the field, especially in these covid infested days, but nevertheless it was your favourite part of the job. Getting to meet the people you were writing about was completely refreshing, allowing you to obtain a clearer outlook on which direction to take on your journal piece.

You were asked to go to Stonehenge, where the photoshoot was being filmed, as your office of interview. Even though you'd lived in the UK all your life, you'd never actually been to Stonehenge. It wasn't really on your bucket-list, but it was a pleasure to get to see it all the same.

Being the prepared interviewer you were, you'd prepared an array of questions that you were set on asking Harry. You'd never met him before, but after much googling and youtubing of him prior to meeting him today you would already be confident in saying he's the most brilliant man to ever exist. You were really nervous that you were going to screw this interview up and make a terrible mess in front of Harry Styles.

"Lisa! What if I accidentally say something I shouldn't?" You ran your stressed hands through your hair.

This whole morning had been frantic. It had started off by you waking up late, no thanks to Lisa, your best-friend and co-worker, pressing snooze on the alarm. You wanted to look professional today so you'd put on your best shirt - only to spill coffee down it ten minutes later. So now, you smelt of coffee and were wearing what was left in your wardrobe - and it wasn't much. The only things left clean were a pair of pink corduroy flares and some, pastel coloured, graphic t-shirt to go with it.    

"You won't. Stop being so negative." Lisa rolled her eyes, probably fed up with the amount of winging she'd heard from you this morning - and you'd only been awake an hour.

"My outfit is hardly professional either." You huffed, pouring the rest of your, second, coffee down the drain.

"Well I think you look gorgeous." Lisa stated, whilst putting her breakfast bar wrapper in the bin.

You and Lisa were back and forth about you stressing, and such, for about half an hour before you had to leave. You had a great panic about losing your glasses too. You could see without them up close, but for long distance viewing and reading you were practically blind. You were taking Lisa's car, since she didn't think you were emotionally stable enough to drive. Lisa was the creative director on the set, and thank goodness she was so you could at least ramble to someone.

After a two hour drive up from London, you arrived at Stonehenge and it was freezing. Although the sun was out, it did nothing to keep your body heated. The journey up had been nice because you sat in your nicely heated car, chatting away with Lisa and blasting some Harry Styles out of the speaker. You'd made it through the first album, and the second one up to Canyon Moon before reaching your destination.

Upon arriving you could just about, without glasses, make out about 15 other cars, arranged at the bottom of a hill. There was an array of Audis and BMWs, a few Range Rovers, which you placed your bets on one was Harrys, and a green, vintage, Jaguar which was most likely belonging to the fashion editor or something. There was also a modern barn, perched at the foot of the hill, which was where Harry would be getting changed in to his various different outfits.

It took you a moment to register that Lisa had parked and was already clambering out of the car, making you look a little idiotic still blankly staring at the beautiful scenes in front, and around, of you.

But it was still bloody freezing.

You jogged a little to the boot and whipped out your white cardigan. Originally you'd thought that this would've been enough to keep you warm, but now you were starting to think otherwise.

The atmosphere here was amazing. People were rushing around left, right and centre loading, and unloading, various pieces of equipment and clothes. You caught sight of brightly coloured fabrics being carried to and from various places. There were the camera crew, and presumably director, all chatting amongst themselves. The smell of the very fresh air was so lush that you'd forgotten what it smelt like - especially after years in London.

You grabbed your bag from the boot, which had your notes, recording kit and laptop stuffed inside, before locking the car and following Lisa in to the barn.

It was lovely and warm inside - a completely different climate to than the outside. It was as if it was Bali inside and Antarctica outside. Better Bali than Antarctica though.

"Ok. Let's put our stuff down over here and then go find people we need to meet and such." Lisa instructed, you still too in awe of the place to fully comprehend what was going on.

You followed Lisa and you two ended up dropping off your stuff next to some other bags. You took a liking to the purse next to your stuff. Next to your bag, it made yours seem ancient - like it was worth nothing more than a penny. It was luscious and a beautiful baby blue colour. You softly ran your hands over it, finding satisfaction in how smooth and subtle it was.

"Hope you're not planning on stealing that, love." A manly voice appeared from behind you. You whipped around to see who's bag you'd been messing with, and it was just your luck that it was to be Harry Styles'. Of all the people's it could've been it had to be his. 

Perfect.

He looked dashing. He was in black flares and his iconic 'But daddy i love him', t-shirt, along with a huge green anorak. His hair was prettily clipped back with a pink clip, presumably placed there to gave his curls greater volume. In his hand he had a pink toothbrush and you guessed he'd come back over to put it away in his bag - only to find you caressing it instead.

"Oh - no, no. Not at all. I - uh - I just thought it was beautiful." You stammered over your words, choosing them carefully to try and make you look less like an active criminal.

"Mhm." Harry nodded whilst looking you up and down, most likely judging why a peasant like you, in comparison to him, was touching his expensive property. "Well, I love your flares darlin'." Harry looked down at your trousers, his compliment making you blush a little.

"Thank you. That wasn't professional, and neither is my outfit, I know, and I apologise." You added, because you knew that if your boss knew you turned up today the way you did she would give you a right bollocking - and potentially even fire you.

"Never apologise for flares. You look amazing." Gemma perked up, making you feel more self conscious surrounded by all these other beautiful women. Gemma was in a slouchy, knitted, jumper and basic jeans - no doubt all from shops beyond your budget - and yet she looked like a model fit for the runway for Vogue.

"Okay, sorry." You apologised again, to which you, creepily, got the exact same, stern, look from the Styles siblings at the same time.

"My stylist, Harry, introduced me to big pants. He offered whether I wanted to try a pair of flares, and I was like, 'Flares? That's fucking crazy'!" Harry laughed as he told his story, earning a laugh out of you too. "Now they're my favourite item of clothing. Have a whole wardrobe dedicated to them."

"I wish he was joking." Gemma laughed at her brother and his flare obsession.

"Well you do look handsome in them, so I understand why." Your words rolls off your tongue before you could even comprehend what you were saying. Only after you finished your sentence did you completely intake what you'd just said.

"Good start." Lisa giggled to you, before turning to walk over to the coffee station. It was a help-yourself coffee bar and you knew that you were going to bed at least five cups to get over the last five minutes alone. You'd probably drain the station before letting anyone else have any.

"Oh god." You awkwardly mumbled, not daring to see how weirdly Harry would be looking at you, before walking off outside.

You had spent less than 10 minutes here and yet you'd never felt like a bigger clown. Joining the circus had never been so easy.

The outside wind hit you like a powerful leaf blower, and your hair blew around like crazy - most likely compiling into a birds nest on the top of your head.

Today was supposed to be the start of something great. Your hopes were set on a promotion from your written masterpiece, whilst enjoying the company of one of the most handsome, most lovely, most talented men of this century. Those hopes seemed a little too distant now. They seemed to mock you, as if to laugh at how you ever thought you were going to be any more successful. You'd completely, in more ways than one, made a fool of yourself in front of your interviewee, you were so underdressed, you were caught fondling his Gucci purse and you were still bloody cold.

It all felt too unprofessional for a job where professional was practically the driving force of the company.

You leaned against the barn, taking a deep breath to try and calm yourself. You were a master in over-thinking, but unfortunately that wasn't something you could add to your resumé. You let your eyes close and the other senses come alive for a few moments. The sounds of distant sheep and the smell of the cold wind were just two of the senses that allowed you to take a step back for a minute, and breathe.

"Thank you." A voice interrupted you from your attempt of quick meditation. You looked to your left and noticed Harry standing there, still in the same outfit as before.

"I'm sorry?" You asked confused, taking a step away from the barn to considerately pay more attention to him.

"Thank you - for saying I look handsome in flares." He repeated, smirking when he added the second part.

"Oh." Was all you could respond, feeling too embarrassed to take the conversation any further. "I should—" You pointed back to the barn, using it as an excuse to leave before yet screwed up anymore.

"Lisa told me you're the interviewer." Harry added, and it only occurred to you that you'd never actually introduced yourself. "So it's lovely to finally meet you Y/N." He stuck out his hand for your to shake, which you did willingly. His hands were a lot softer than you'd expected.

"Ho... You know my name?" You asked surprised.

"Of course. I also know you're the best writer in Vogue right now." He flattered you, which made you blush. You had a feeling he'd make you do that a lot today.

"Sure." You rolled your eyes as you spoke sarcastically.

"Well I chose you for a reason, didn't I?" He rhetorically asked.

"I mean.. I, well.. I don't know?" You stumbled over your words, making yourself look like a larger fool than you did already. Today was just turning out to be exactly what you didn't want it to be. "Sorry."

"Stop apologising. You do it too often." He told you, nearly making you apologise again but he gave you a jokingly stern look, as if he knew what you were going to say, and so you decided otherwise.

"Harry!" You both turned to see there was a man waving towards you both, but specifically to Harry. "Come get changed!" The same man shouted. Harry lifted his thumbs up, as if to signal he'd be there shortly.

Harry turned back to you and noticed you shiver a little.

"I'll start the interview after I come back from the dressing rooms, yeah?" Harry asked, taking off his, khaki green, trench-coat in the process. He handed it to you before you could oblige against it.

"Wait what?" You confusedly looked down at the coat and back up to Harry.

"Gives me a piece of mind knowing my interviewer isn't going to die of hypothermia before actually interviewing me." He smiled, obviously attempting to crack a joke and you have to admit you did laugh.

"Thank you." You say, before he runs off to where he's being called to.

                                                            ••••

You'd been sat inside for a little while, waiting for Harry to come back. It gave you time to perfect your questions though.

Thinking up questions to ask Harry had been a challenging task, but one that you'd been fully invested in. You loved creating questions to ask him that were going to get to understand him on a deeper level. He was a very private man, and you completely respected that. If you crossed any boundaries, with the questions you'd ask, you would write them out of the interview. You liked to think you hadn't thought up a question that would make him feel uncomfortable though.

Pissing off Harry would be on another level of shame.

"Coat kept you warm?" Harrys voice disengaged you from your notebook.

"Hm?" You asked then replayed what he'd just asked in your mind. "Oh, yes. Thank you very much." You stood up, from where you'd been perched on the floor, picking up your nearly finished green tea as you did so.

Only when you stood up did it come to your realisation that Harry was now in costume. He was dressed in luxury. Each item looked like it cost more than your rent, and that was saddening. He looked rich and luxurious. To be quite honest, you were finding it rather difficult to take your eyes off him.

"You think the outfit is Vogue enough?" Harry asked, striking a few poses, which made you laugh. It was refreshing to see him act so relaxed and carefree, rather than a stuck-up-prick you knew some celebrities to be.

"Completely. I love it!" You exclaimed, appreciating the twirl he did for you.

He was wearing a kilt-like skirt and he looked beyond beautiful in it. Fuck toxic masculinity. Fuck being a manly man - like what does that even mean? Harry was embracing gender fluidity and experimenting the ways in which there was no definitive line between men and women's clothes anymore, and you thought it was marvellous. Revolutionary, for times as politically and socially troubled as these.

You started removing the coat in attempt to give it back to him, but he refrained you from doing so by holding on to your forearm.

"Keep it. I thought we could go outside to start the interview, so you'll be needing that." Harry told you, and you agreed - however reluctantly that was. You couldn't really complain though, because the coat did kept you warm and, what's better, it smelt divine - just like you'd imagine Harry to smell.

"Okay. Thank you. Do you want to go now?" You asked hesitantly, not knowing whether he was busy for someone else right now.

"Whenever you're ready, love." He answered, making you feel more relaxed. He was going at your pace and was making you feel settled - he was even more of a gentleman than people described him to be.

The two of you had walked around the backside of the barn in silence, enjoying the comfort of each other's presence. Well, at least you were. It was a blessing no one was back here. It was just you, Harry and the scenery that surrounded Stonehenge.

You approached a bench and you plopped yourself down on one end, whilst Harry sat on the other. He respected the fact that there was a pandemic going on, and didn't want to make you uncomfortable in any way. You still had your mask on, so Harry had taken that as you were very conscious about the virus - which he admired.

You pulled out your glasses, from the depths of one of the coat pockets, and placed them on your face, probably making yourself look even geekier than you already felt. Today was just one of those days you wished you had good eyes...

You opened your spent notebook, musty pages practically falling apart, and turned to the section of questions you needed for that interview. You were so nervous already and you hadn't even asked anything yet, all because of the previous interactions with Harry today. Your shaky hands shuffled through the pages and you cursed under your breath when you struggled to find what you needed.

"Shoot. Come on." You mumbled quietly under your breath, hoping it would make this terrible situation end faster. You mustn't have been as quiet as you thought though.

"Y/N." Harry's name broke through your clouded mind of self-disappointment.

You looked up at him to see him softly smiling at you, blowing all worries away from you away with the wind. "Yes?" You timidly asked, pushing your wind-swept hair out of glasses - where it'd gotten caught.

"You’re alright, love. You don't have to be professional around me, alright? We're just two strangers having a conversation, to get to know each other, okay?" If his words didn't calm you enough, the soothing sound of his husky voice certainly did.

"But that would mean you asking me stuff too?" You replied, confused at his implications of the phrasing 'getting to know each other'.

"Mhm." Harry nodded his head.

"Oh I don't know Mr Styles, i'm not a very interesting person." You answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, pushing your glasses back up the bridge of your nose from where they'd fallen.

"I refuse to believe that." Harry chuckled, making a quick smile appear on your face. "And please call me Harry. Just Harry." He begged, obviously finding it weird you calling him by his professional title. All you wanted, ever, was for your interviewee's to feel comfortable and safe, so if Harry wanted you to call him Harry then so be it.

"Ok, Harry," you sarcastically said, earning a shake of the head on his behalf, "you can ask me a few questions throughout the day." You told him, but you knew he'd struggle to find even two questions when he realises how bland you are.

"Does that mean you only get to ask me a few as well?" Harry smirked, already knowing the answer to that question. Unlike Harry, you had to write an article about today when you got home and so he knew that you'd have to dig as much dirt as possible from him.

"No, sorry. I don't particularly want to lose my job." You paused to look down at your notes, squinting a little as you did to see better. "Okay. Tell me your experience with corona virus."

"Sorry I didn't quite catch that, love." Harry apologised, leaning in slightly to see if he could hear you a second time around.

"Sorry." You looked down to fiddle with your fingers - a habit you'd undertaken when you're embarrassed. "Um..," you cleared your throat, "would you mind if I took off my mask?"

Your timid voice sent tingle down Harrys spine. He didn't think anyone could ever be this sweet. "Not at all, ‘course you can." He replied, again, wanting to make you feel as comfortable as possible.

You hesitantly took off your face mask, feeling like you were in some dramatic movie where they face revealed someone. You kind of liked having the mask on, because, for one, it kept you warm, and for two, you were a little self conscious with how you looked compared to all the other women here today. You shoved the mask in your pocket, with trembling fingers, before looking back down to your notes.

"Woah." You heard Harrys voice being mumbled under the wind. You eyes shot up to his and you noticed him staring right back at you.

"W-what? Is my acne playing up? I knew I should've—" You self-consciously run your hands over the areas you know you got acne. The masks really didn't help when it came to skin care.

"Hey, stop. No. You just... You look beautiful." Harry complimented you, and a roaring blush arose on to your cheeks. You'd never been called beautiful before, and so you were taking the compliment like such a 13-year old.

"Oh, uh, thank you." You awkwardly answered, not really having any other words come to mind in that moment. Harry chuckled under his breath, still keeping eyes on you for some reason.

"Would you mind repeating your last question, I didn't quite catch it?" Harry asked politely.

"Sure. Um, tell me how you've experienced corona virus." You repeated for him, gripping ahold of your pen to start copying what he says and pressing start on your recording device in case you needed it later.

"Well, it's been tedious that's for sure. However, I just want people to be safe and for life to return back to normal, so therefore i've been very MIA for a lot of the time. Keeping to myself mostly. I only went out for hikes or bike rides. All my meetings were online, so it's been very lonely." Harry kept eye contact with your figure the entire time, and if it weren't for you concentrating on writing what he was saying then you'd probably melt away under his gaze.

For such soft eyes he sure was intimidating.

"I presume the loneliness sent you crazy at times." You laughed, because you sure felt that way through lockdown. Curse being single.

"You have no idea." Harry laughed along with you, making you, slowly, feel more at ease.

"Actually, you'd be surprised." You looked at him unsure, before returning down to your notebook.

"Okay then, first question from me," Harrys words made your head shoot up, "How can someone as amazing as yourself be lonely?" He asked and you made a mental tally of how many questions he'd asked.

"Could ask you the very same question, Harry." You slyly replied, avoiding the question by answering with another question. It was a tactic you'd learnt, throughout your years of journalism, when you wanted to dismiss something .

"That's cheating." Harry pointed at you and raised his eyebrows, but you couldn't take your eyes off the big, cheeky, smile perched on his face. You shrugged you're shoulders in defence and returned to your questions. "But you did just call me amazing, so I think i'll let it slide this one time." You blushed, again, when you understood what he meant.

He was amazing though - that was the truth.

"You were in L.A. for the majority of quarantine, am I right to say?" You already knew the answer but your manager had just wanted confirmation.

"Yeah, but L.A. feels like holiday, whereas London feels like home." He answered, which you appreciated. He hasn't got lost in the way that Hollywood could let people. He'd stayed grounded.

"So what did you entertain yourself with during quarantine?" You asked curiously, slightly side-tracking from your pre-written questions - just because you were intrigued (nosey).

"Not much, not to be boring. I ate a lot of bread. I worked out pretty much every day. I wrote quite a bit actually." He used his fingers to pinch his bottom lip, something you'd noticed he did in interviews.

"Does that mean a new album on the way?" Your inner fangirl was screaming at the thought of HS3.

"Can neither confirm nor deny." Harry smirked to himself, like the cheeky bugger he is.

"That's a yes then." You joked, pretending to write it down in your notes.

"You're impossible, you." Harry laughed and shook his head. It made you feel all funny the way you could make him smile like that. You were the source of his happiness for just that moment, and that was enough to make you feel happy for a lifetime - not that he felt the same.

"Next question," you stated, moving swiftly on because you knew you had limited time, "How's your experience with Vogue been so far?"

"Wonderful. Everyone has been so welcoming and that makes it so much easier for me to have fun. It's daunting going at things alone, but i'm getting slowly used to it now." Harry sniffled a little, probably due to the freezing cold weather here.

"Must be strange, not having four best friends around you, all the time, anymore." You stated rather than asked him, sure that he was missing his bandmates. I mean, you were - so he definitely would be.

"Brothers." Harry replied, making you look up at him confused.

"I'm sorry?" You asked, giving him your full attention.

"You said four best friends. Well, actually they're my brothers." His words actually caused a rift in your heart. You could feel it being pulled apart and torn in to two. If you wrote this in to the magazine the fans would have a worldwide passing-away-party.

"Harry." You said softly, slightly tearing up at his words. "God, I swear i'm not normally this emotional." You chest your throat and try to establish your dignity - however there wasn't that much left anymore.

"Oh shut up." Harry looked away obviously trying to hide the fact that he was tearing up too. You laughed at him but didn't draw any more attention to it than you guessed he would've wanted.

"They mean a lot to you then?" You asked, hopefully not treading on any unwanted territories.

"Much more than a lot, yeah." Harry nodded his head, turning it back to face you. He could tell this conversation was now off-the-record because of your closed notebook, your undivided attention towards him and the fact you’d turned off the recording device. He liked being able to look at you, rather than the top of your head. He swore you were the prettiest girl he'd ever seen.

"You still see them often?" 

"Not as often as i'd like. Niall did come around the other week to drop off some old guitars he didn't want anymore, and then we ended up playing around with some music for a bit." He admitted, which stitched your heart back together.

"So does that mean a Narry collab?" You teased, biting your bottom lip in anticipation.

"Narry? You so are a directioner." He laughed along with you.

"And you just avoided my question, therefore there is a song out there written only by you and Niall." You concluded, which shut him up.

This conversation was going a lot better than expected. Certainly a lot better than earlier. You will be permanently scarred by the way you spoke to him and handled his belongings. It was going to haunt you forever - and yet he'd forget about it by tomorrow. Or maybe he wouldn't, which is why you felt the need to apologise.

"Harry?" You asked, clearly indicating this was still a conversation away from the interview.

"Yes Y/N?" He watched you intently, listening to your every word.

"I, um, just wanted to apologise for my behaviour earlier. I was just really nervous to meet you, and to be honest still am. I didn't mean to touch your stuff without your consent and I certainly didn't mean to make you uncomfortable with any of my comments. So, i'm sorry. I can only imagine the awful, yet true, things you must think of me." You rambled really quickly, that you were uncertain whether Harry even caught one word of what you'd says.

"Do you know why I asked for you to interview me Y/N?" Harry asked, which wasn't the first thing you expected him to say after your apology.

"No. I...well Lisa told me it was because I can write well or something." You suggested, not wanting to sound egotistical.

"I mean you do write perfectly, but no." You were intrigued now. "I asked for you because I, and this is not for your magazine, have a secret - but not-so-secret - crush on you." This time it was Harrys turn to blush.

"Harry... you don't have to say that to—"

"I'm not saying it for anything. I sincerely think you are the most delightful, most prettiest, most fucking sweetest person i've ever met." Harry exclaimed, which you were taken aback by. Never, ever, did you think that Harry Styles would proclaim his likeness towards you. Ever.

"Harry don't mess with me, please." You shyly spoke, tilting your head down in disbelief that the Harry Styles was smitten about you.

He shuffled along the bench, stopping a little way from you but close enough to reach out for you. Your heartbeat increased when you noticed his hand move closer towards you. It didn't stop till he reached your face. He took his time, courteously, pushing your hair behind your ear before removing you of your glasses. He held the right-eye frame and slowly pulled the glasses off your face.

Once he'd successfully taken them off he folded them up and placed them alongside your closed notebook.

"Can see those pretty eyes now." He whispered quietly, but loud enough for you to hear.

"Don't lie. They're so dull." You mumbled, lifting your head up slightly. His face was still away from you.

"Not to me they're not." He retaliated, looking deep into your eyes as you did his. "I hate this corona virus."

"Why?" His words were so out of the blue sometimes, it gave you whiplash.

"Because I can't be as near to you as I want to be." Harry told you. And yeah, you hated corona too. It was getting a little laborious now.

"Smooth, Styles." You chuckled. You wondered how many new and weird pick-up lines could be made from covid. 

"I know." He winked, which honestly would have made you throw up if it were any other man on the planet. Somehow, though, Harry just made it seem attractive - along with every other thing that man ever did. "After this, would you like to come back to my house for a cuppa tea?" He asked sweetly, like a five year old asking whether you wanted to play together.

"Okay. Lisa was my ride though." You said more to yourself than anything else, debating on how you'd even get to Harrys. Uber? Taxi? Lisa? Walk?

"I'll drive us, it's fine. I have to drop Gem off, but i'd be more than happy to chauffeur you." Harry kindly offered, to which you were internally screaming about. You were literally, and metaphorically, having a field-day with all this Harry content and interview.

"Are you sure? I don't want to be a burden." You question politely, not wanting to overstep any boundaries - especially in these covid infested times.

"Of course. I wouldn't have offered otherwise." He protested, waving his hand at if to say it was no bother. You were already trying to work out, in your head, how much petrol money you were going to owe him.

"Then i'd be honoured to have a brew with you Harry." You giggled at how cringe you were being, even if this was just your normal self speaking.

"Great." Harry genuinely smiled, teeth and all. "My shoot should take a couple of hours, but feel free to continue to write and journal. I'm looking forward to reading this particular article." He winked at you before standing up.

"Wonder why?" You sarcastically asked, knowing full-well it was due to his exposure of his own feelings towards you. Even though you'd never says anything back you were quite in agreement on how you felt about him, like he did you. He would be a narcissist to say he knew you liked him the same, out loud, but he knew. And you knew that he knew.

"Wonder why indeed." He gave you one last smile before he'd disappeared for the rest of the afternoon, leaving you to digest and relive the past half an hour or so.

Being Harry Styles' crush was probably the biggest flex you could ever make.

                                                          ••••

After Harry had finished up his shoot he was quick to come find you again.

You'd watched parts of his shoot and he looked magnificent. There wasn't a good enough word to describe how amazing he looked. Harry, his stylist, was probably the best stylist out there. His fashion choices were unmatched and you wanted him to be yours. You were not rich enough nor fashionable enough, ironic for working in a a fashion company, to hire a stylist, but you would if you could.

You were so proud to see what he was achieving now as the person that he was. Harry was just being Harry, without the devilish control of shitty managements or ridiculous amounts of PR stunts. Harry was more free than ever, and it definitely showed just how much he was enjoying it.

You were certain that this Vogue magazine would break the internet - his fans were good at doing that. This could be a turning point for many people, with their outdated and ignorant views. There was no room for people with racist or homophobic or transphobic or xenophobic - and the list does go on - views anymore.

You were waiting by the front door of the barn, to catch Harry as he walked past. You caught sight of him in a white robe, presumably to get changed back into his everyday clothes. He looked really pretty in the robe - very domestic actually.

Today had been a good day.

Harry asked you to send over the more specific Vogue questions to him via email, so he could devote more time in to answering them in a lot more depth. You thought he meant you'd be sending them to some PA in his team, but you were shocked to understand he'd given you his personal email.

People were walking back to their cars and packing away the filming kit. You saw Lisa and the director talking to one another, no doubt discussing some in-work gossip.

"You ready?" Harrys voice reminded you that you'd been waiting for him. You looked to see he was back in the same clothes as this morning, only this time without his coat.

"Here?" You offered, having him over the coat once again but he declined.

"Looks better on you anyways." He winked at you, before walking through the car park and to his car. You were very surprised when you found out Harry was the one to own the green Jaguar. You assumed all celebrities drove the Range Rover, but no. The vintage car added to Harrys immaculate vibe and just made him that little bit more hot.

Harry properly introduced you to Gemma, who was equally as lovely as Harry. They were both amazing people and they were crazily alike. From the way they looked, down to the way they phrased their words, they were mistakingly twins. Gemma explained how Anne, their mum, didn't know they were doing this photoshoot and that it was going to be a surprise, which you thought was so cute.

Gemma spilt a lot of gossip on Harry, to which he got very embarrassed over. You learnt that Harrys first word was Cat. You learnt that Harry is godfather to multiple children, which you found heartwarming. You learnt Harry used to be a baker - which was something he elaborated on for a good half an hour. Harry was just a fountain of memories and Gemma was the one sharing them all with you.

The drive back to London was relaxed. You sat in the back, listening to Harry and Gemma pointlessly argue whilst an Arctic Monkeys album played in the background. You forgot that people like Harry drove, and listened to music, just like other regular people. You often misplaced celebrities in society, thinking they had everything done for them but in reality that (often) wasn't the case - at least not for Harry.

Gemma was dropped off quickly before Harry drove to his. It was no surprise that the Styles siblings didn't live too far away from each other. Harrys house was beautiful. Bigger than anything you could ever dream of buying. It was a palace compared to your cupboard-sized house. You were unbelievably jealous. He gave you the tour of the house, showing you where the toilets were, and even his panic room if necessary.

You migrated to the kitchen for a bit, talking about anything and everything. Getting to know the minuscule pieces of information that no-one else was trusted with, made you feel special. Harry made you feel special - even if he weren't meaning to.

Every moment held a spark. Every touch set off a firework. Every laugh was an electric burst. He made you feel so alive.

"We can go to the living room after this has boiled." Harry said, pointing towards the streaming kettle. He wanted to show off his fancy tea collection he had, and let you have a try if you wanted to. Harry was boring and chose the basic green tea, but, after much deliberation, you chose the cranberry green tea. It intrigued you and it sounded delicious.

"Why the extensive tea collection?" Not even you, a certified caffeine addict, had this much tea in your house. Coffee was a different story and one in which you didn't want to talk about.

"They help me with my meditation." He took the teabags and placed them in his glass mugs. They had a delicate Gucci stamp on them, and you just imagined that they probably worth the same amount as your daily salary.

"You meditate?" You were slightly surprised that he did.

"I try to yeah." Harry nodded, focusing on pouring in the boiling water into the mugs. "I've got very tight hamstrings and so it helps if I meditate twice a day."

Harry finished making the tea, in the light-filled kitchen, before showing you around to the open-lounge area. Everything was modern and chic. It was exactly how you imagined it, but better. The open, red-brick, wall was a beautiful feature and one that you were a whore for! It reminded you of New York and the memories you'd made there one summer.

The sofa was a beautiful velvet, green, sofa. It was soft and gentle, a lot like Harry when you thought about it. The whole house was an architectural masterpiece and you'd be lying if you said you weren't jealous. You sat on one end and Harry went to go and sit on the other end.

"I don't bite you know?" You joked, self-consciously wondering whether he didn't want to be sat near you.

"I know, I just don't want to step on any of your covid boundaries - which is perfectly fine by the way." He added, apprehensively taking the spot next to you.

"No, not at all." You ushered him to sit next to you, as you took a sip from your steaming hot cup of fruity tea. "If I smell though, do tell me!"

"Yeah, you smell bloody awful!" Harry sarcastically remarked, but laughing afterwards to assure you he was joking. The atmosphere went quiet for a minute, only the sounds of passing cars and deep breaths being heard.

"Y/N can I ask you something?" Harry turned the tone of the conversation. It sounded like he wanted to be more serious than you two were being beforehand.

"Anything." You encouraged him to continue. You placed the cup of tea down on the table, deciding it was too hot to drink right now, and gave him your full attention.

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" Harry questioned. You didn't think you'd be having a conversation this intense - especially if you had different opinions - on your first day of knowing each other, but here you were.

"I believe you can love someone at first sight. I don't believe you can be in love with someone at first sight. Why?" You were curious as to how his brain had journeyed to this particular topic. You'd never really had this conversation with anyone before, mainly because you were unaware of the true power, and meaning, of love.

"It uh... It doesn't matter." Harry shook his head and you could tell by his body language that he was shutting you out. Maybe you'd made him uncomfortable.

"Sorry I didn't mean to—"

"No, no. Please don't apologise. It's just - I like you a lot more than you may think." Harry shyly told you, which made you all soft inside. He was being vulnerable and that was something you admired in a partner. You didn't just need love, affection and trust in a relationship. No. You needed vulnerability and heartbreak too, and Harry was revealing that part of him to you.

"I like you a lot more than you think too." You repeated, not because you felt bad for him but because you truly did like him a whole lot. Love was a weird yet wonderful thing, and if you were to hazard a guess you'd say you loved Harry. 

You couldn't wait to be in love with him.

"Does that mean I get to crown you my girlfriend?" Harry excitedly asked. Harry happy was something that should be made a constant, and you were more than happy to be in control of that.

"At least take me out first." You bargained, wishing for nothing more than to go on a date with Harry. Where you'd go, you had no idea. Everything was closed right now and there was still the chance of becoming sick with corona, but no doubt Harry would think of something not only clever, but special.

Of course you'd love to be Harrys girlfriend. However, you wanted one more, official, opportunity to really get to know him - unprofessionally. You wanted to make sure that you knew, and he knew, that you wanted to be with him because he was the charming Harry you've come to love, not because he was Harry Styles.

"So you're allowing me to take you on a date?" Harry smirked like a little child, your heart fluttering at how excited he was to be able to treat you to dinner.

"Yes, Harry. Yes I am." You answered sweetly, offering him the cutest smile you could.

You can't believe what a turn of events today has been. You've gone from nearly writing yourself on Harrys enemy list to writing yourself on to his 'people he's dated' list. Who knows what the future would offer you. At the start of the day you had wished this whole day to end and for the ground to just swallow you up, now you never wanted it to end. It was too perfect to be true and yet it was.

Harry was the most wonderful human to exist and you were beyond surprised to be the one to catch his attention. You didn't understand why you were so special, but it was nice to feel like this for a change. It was nice to feel wanted.

                                                             ••••

A few months later and you were officially Harrys girlfriend.

It had been such a crazy few months. Harry religiously took you out on dates every week. Whether it be to grab a hotdog at a local diner, a coffee from a quaint cafe, a walk in Hyde Park or a late-night drive around London - which normally ended up with you falling asleep before you could make it back to yours. On sleepless jet-lagged nights he'll still drive through London's quiet streets, seeing neighborhoods in a new way, just as an excuse to spend time with you.

Harry often stayed over at yours. Even though you looked like you lived in a shoebox compared to Harry, he liked it. He liked the subtly and normality of it all. He wanted your life to remain as normal as possible and, apart from the occasional paparazzi incident, it did. You never had anything to complain about. Of course the online bullying created emotional wounds, at the start of your relationship, but it was nothing that Harry couldn't repair with a bit of love.

Lisa has nominated herself to be maid-of-honour when the day comes - if the day comes. Harry has already pinky sworn that you are it for him. The one, as some may say. You were utterly flattered, but you certainly unsure of what the future help for you both.

You loved Harry, you do love Harry and you will forever always love Harry.

It was ridiculous to think that all this stemmed from you working at Vogue. From you studying English Literature in a city away from London. From you dedicating you extra hours gaining work experience and money to be able get in and afford university. So many moments in life have you stopped and said 'i wish i hadn't have done that', but now you were convinced that they were the best things to have happened to you - because they lead you, all, to Harry.

And, being Harry Styles girlfriend was probably the biggest flex you could ever make.

[band--psycho]

Klaus Mikaelson x Reader-If Only You Didn’t Have To Forget

Written for the amazing @sweeterthanthis! Congratulations on hitting such a huge milestone! You totally deserve it!🥳  my prompt was ~You’re beautiful to me because you’re human. Your frailty. Your short years. Your heart. All that suddenly seems more precious than anything I’ve ever known~ (Find it in bold)

I also paired it with this request from @devilsbooksworld

I hope you all enjoy this!💛

TVD Masterlist / Klaus Mikaelson Masterlist

Warnings: Toxic relationship, mentions of death, hints of depression

“We’re done, Sean…” Y/n said, desperately trying to keep herself together as she walked away from the man she’d spent years loving.

“You can’t be serious!” Sean shouted, running after her. He grabbed her by the hand roughly, pulling her back to him.

“I can’t be serious? I walked into that party to see your tongue down some random girls throat!” She retorted back, her throat burning as the words left her mouth, her eyes lingering on the corner of his mouth where the red lipstick stain from the other girl was. The rage in Sean’s eyes was undeniable as he moved closer towards her, “I was drunk and if you’d come with me like I asked I would’ve been kissing you instead!” He seethed, his grip on her hand growing tighter.

“That’s such a fucked up thing to think let alone say! I’m your-” with a quivering breath Y/n corrected herself, “I was your girlfriend, that’s not something you do when you’re in a relationship with someone!”

Somehow she’d found the strength to pull out of his tight grip. As she pulled away she saw her ring fall from her hand but at that moment she didn’t care. There were too many emotions filling her head. She wanted to slap him, shout at him, make him feel how he’d made her feel. But as she looked at him, she realised everything her friends had told her about him was true. She’d stood up for him so many times but now she was done. He wasn’t worth it. She needed to get away from him, so with that thought in mind she made her way away from him.

“Where are you going?” Sean shouted after her.

“Home” Y/n replied bluntly, her pace increasing as she heard his footsteps following after her.

“Yknow, no one else is ever gonna want you after this! You’re not even that pretty” Sean hollered after her, “You were lucky to be with me Y/n/n. No ones ever gonna want you when I say what I’ve got to say,” he continued, storming after her as she ran down the road, trying to get away from him.

“I’m gonna make your life a-”

Y/n expected to hear an end to that sentence, but when she turned round, he was gone. Just like that he’d vanished. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she tried to work out where he’d gone but she couldn’t deny the relief that washed over her body knowing he wasn’t chasing after her anymore. She ran a hand through her y/e/c hair before turning round to continue her walk home but as she turned round she saw a figure on the dimly lit street . At first she thought it was Sean but as the figure moved closer towards her, she realised it wasn’t Sean.

“Hello, Y/n,” the man said, his British accent catching her off guard. Her eyebrows furrowed again as she tried to work out who he was and  how he knew her name. She knew she wouldn’t forget someone as good looking as the man in front of her.

“Don’t worry, love, he won’t be bothering you again,” he soothed, his thumb wiping away a red mark from the side of his mouth. The way the nickname rolled off his tongue was enough to distract Y/n for a few seconds but then she realised that that mark on the corner of his mouth was blood. She mentally cursed herself as realisation dawned on her, this man was a vampire. A vampire who probably just killed her now ex boyfriend...

“Who are you?” Y/n asked, avoiding all eye contact with the man in front of her. Of course the one night she

“Oh yes, you haven’t seen me like this,” he paused for a second as a small smirk tugged at the side of his mouth, “I’m Klaus Mikaelson.”

Shit. That’s what Y/n thought when she heard the name fall from his lips. Her eyes darted to her hand before she remembered that she’d left her ring at the party. Typical. She thought to herself a small sigh falling from lips. She’d heard of Klaus. He was an original vampire...who wanted to kill Elena for some sort of weird  sacrifice.

“You’re the original vampire that wants to kill my friends…” Y/n stated, Klaus’ eyes almost beamed with pride as she said those words, “Where’s Sean?”

His eyes widened slightly, surprised by the concern that was on her voice, “Your pathetic ex is perfectly fine, I just needed a snack,” he began, his tongue slipping out of his mouth to lick his lower lip. It was such a simple action yet Y/n couldn’t deny the way her core ached when he did it. She managed to keep her composure as he continued to talk,”And as for your first point...there’s a reason I want to kill the doppelgänger,”

“Oh I’m well aware of your reasons,” Y/n scoffed, trying to brush off her growing arousal for the man in front of her.

“So what are you gonna do to me?” She asked, her voice strong and unwavering.

“Pardon?” A confused look was visible in both of their eyes.

“Well considering who you are and who my friends are I assume you’re gonna do something to me,”

“So what’re you gonna do? Kill me, compel me to hurt or kill my friends, turn me into a vampire?” She asked, noticing the look of confusion that was growing in Klaus’ eyes as he stared at her, “Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Because you’ve listed things that would terrify a normal human, yet you don’t seem scared at all,” Klaus replied, the confusion in his eyes turning into something else. A look of both adoration and worry. He couldn’t help but admire how brave she was. But it also saddened him slightly, she was so young and nothing that she listed seemed to scare her. He couldn’t help but wonder what her life had been like, had she always been this courageous or was it something that had happened recently.

“One of my best friends is dating a vampire, who also has a vampire brother, my other best friend is a vampire, the other is a witch and I’m human. Sooner or later something like this was bound to happen,” Y/n explained, snapping him out of his thoughts. He sent her a small smile,  “I’m not going to hurt you, I think you’ve been through enough tonight,” he soothed, reaching out to put a strand of her y/c/h behind her ear.

Y/n shuffled quickly away from his touch but his fingertips managed to brush against her skin, making her blush slightly. She shook her head, snapping herself back to reality now.

“Like you even care, you’re a psychotic original vampire, why would you care about me and what I’ve been through?”

“Because despite what most people think, I have a heart,” he answered back and when Y/n looked into his eyes all she saw was honesty, of course that could all be apart of his facade, “I see the pain in your eyes...it’s almost like you want to die,”

“I don’t want to, I’m just not scared of dying. It’s gonna happen one day,” she answered candidly and although her answer took her by surprise, it was the truth. Y/n wasn’t stupid. She knew the risks of being friends with who she’s friends with. It put a target on her back and unlike the majority of people in the group she had no way to defend herself nor anyone to really protect her. She was one of the least important people in the group and she knew it, she’d accepted her fate a long time ago. It was just a matter of time.

“That is a dark outlook for someone as beautiful as you to have on life,”

“It’s a realistic outlook to have given the world I’m living in, and I’m not beautiful,” She snapped, pushing past him slightly in an attempt to hide the blush that was frowning on her cheeks.

“You are,” he cooed, grabbing her hand lightly unlike Sean had.

“You’re beautiful,” he repeated, moving closer towards her, his hand stroking soothing circles on her knuckles.

“How could a vampire who’s a thousand years old think that I’m beautiful? I’m a human-“ Y/n began, trying not to think about how his touch made the butterflies in her stomach swarm and made her heart do somersaults.  

“You’re beautiful to me because you’re human. Your frailty. Your short years. Your heart,” Y/n hadn't noticed how close her and Klaus were until she felt his warm breath on her lips. That alone was enough to make all the words she’d planned on saying vanish from her mind. “All that suddenly seems more precious than anything I’ve ever known,” he continued, his voice barely above a whisper as he glanced down momentarily at Y/ns lips. He could see the fight she was having with herself mentally but he couldn’t resist her any longer. Within seconds his hands were on her waist, pulling her closer to him as he connected their lips. The kiss was much more gentle than Y/n had expected but no less passionate and it set off an explosion in her heart that she’d never felt when she’d kissed someone. It was the type of kiss that she’d only ever read about in stories. Klaus’ lips moulded against hers perfectly, like they were made for her and only her. Although part of her mind was telling how wrong all of this was, she couldn’t help but melt into the kiss. She knew this was wrong. He was the enemy. He was planning on killing her friends. But she couldn’t deny the way her heart burst when he pushed her up against a nearby wall. instinctively she wrapped her arms around the back of his neck, deepening the kiss. Being with him like this felt like nothing she’d ever experienced. It felt so...so right. She felt like she could stay in this moment forever, getting drunk off the taste of his lips.

Neither of them had any idea how long they’d been kissing for but it was long enough to leave both of them panting slightly for air as they pulled away from the kiss, both of their minds caught up with the situation. Klaus knew what was racing through Y/ns mind, it was obvious, but he was also plagued by his own demons. He didn’t want to stop kissing her, he could’ve done it all night long if she’d let him. A small sigh left his lips as he rested his forehead against hers, momentarily glancing into her y/e/c orbs, almost getting lost in them as he imagined all the things that could be between them. But as he closed his eyes, realisation dawned on him. He knew what he had to do. He couldn’t be selfish with her, he was a monster to some but there was something about her that he just wanted to protect and protecting her, meant doing the very thing that would crush his heart. A shaky breath left Klaus’ lips as he pulled away from Y/n slightly, one of his hands moving to her chin, his finger tilting her head up, forcing those y/e/c orbs that first caught his attention to look up at him.

“Now, you are going to go home, call your friends and tell them what happened between you and Sean. You won’t remember talking to me but I truly hope you start to see the beauty in life again, you’re too young to not enjoy everything life has to offer.”  And just like that he vanished so Y/n wouldn’t see him. He watched her as she made her way home, a single tear running down his cheek as he watched her go further and further away from him.

Maybe in another universe, things could be different and he’d be able to show her how beautiful she truly was in his eyes. He’d be able to treat her the way she deserved to be treated. But alas, that was not this world and despite the way she made him feel, she had to forget everything that had happened. Klaus wasn’t stupid, he knew that her friends would use her to get to him and he couldn’t let her go through anymore pain.

Tagging: 

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[loxare]

Ok so it's been a week since I finished Iron Widow and I think my brain has calmed down enough to talk about it without it just being incoherent shrieking

Guys

Guys

Read this book. It is so good. I am not kidding. If you liked Pacific Rim, read this book. (I've never read of seen Handmaid's Tale, but this book is also full of righteous fury about the inbuilt misogyny of the world it's set in, so read it if you like that.) Just do it. Go. And then come scream at me about it cause I wanna hear that

More Thoughts under the cut cause those are a bit spoilery

I have never read a book with such a feral, unhinged protagonist. Wu Zetian is just such an amazing character. Her murder list starts with one person and once it's empty she is very willing to add to it. She really took one look at the patriarchy and said is anyone going to destroy that and then didn't wait for an answer. She is so incredibly bloodthirsty, but as soon as two (2) entire people showed her love and respect and acceptance, she becomes so soft for them, for a given value of soft. Soft for Zetian is still razor sharp for most people. She changes so much over the book but it's her outlook that changes, as she gains more experience. She is rightfully unwilling to forgive the people who try to hurt and use her and once they fuck up their second chance, that's it. They're gone. It is excellent to read

Li Shimin is such a gift too. Poor baby had such a hard life. He can have a little murder, as a treat. And despite everything! He never gets angry for himself!! He could snap a person in half with his bare hands, and would if they threatened Zetian or Yizhi, but not for his own sake! Deserves the world, deserves happiness, deserves some more self esteem. I keep rereading that scene at the end of their first flight because he's just so shocked and tender and I love it. And the more he learns and the more he finds out that what happened to those girls isn't (entirely) his fault, it's the fault of the systems designed to bleed them dry and he's so furious but still manages to be the least bloodthirsty of the trio

And Gao Yizhi. Absolute sweetheart but I am convinced he's secretly a bastard and I am living for it. He's not even doing a good job of hiding it. Boy knows what he wants and he wants to kiss both his sexy roommates. He kinda takes a side seat, both metaphorically and also literally in the Chrysalis, to the other two for this book but in the sequel he is absolutely going to shine, calling it now (sequel announcement when??). He showed a little of that near the end of the book and it is going to be amazing

And the plot is so amazing. Just. Farm girl plans to avenge sister's murder by killing the murderer could be an entire novel by itself, and has been the plot of a few very good books, but the resolution for that comes in the first hundred pages, and there's more plot after than! And there's also giant robots fighting equally giant monsters thrown in! And then the slow progression of Zetian not caring that she was going to die for her actions, to daring people to shoot her because she's valuable now and they can't afford to lose her yet, to doing everything in her power to ensure she and her two boys survive. Survive and also destroy all the systems keeping women down and also maybe the government, another few things which could be entire novels in and of themselves but are so seamlessly woven into this one

I've read a lot of angry literature but this one is the most visceral. It is furious at the state of things and refuses to let them stay as they are. The systems which are inherently unbalanced, designed to be unbalanced, but kept secret so the changes they effect on the female pilots can be written off as natural. "Women aren't as naturally strong. Women don't go into the fields that pay more, or don't do as good of a job, that's why there's a wage gap." The review thingy on the front cover calls this book a primal scream and it is absolutely correct. Reading through it feels like jumping off a cliff, screaming, with a sword pointed at your greatest foe who's on the ground below you, putting not just your entire weight into it but all the force the planet can exert on you, you can't stop, you don't want to stop, and when you land flawlessly you're just breathless with it

Everything I knew about the world I just read changes in the last three or so pages and I am so mad I don't already have the sequel in my hands. I will have to happily settle for rereading this book cover to cover a couple million times until I do. Predictions: Yizhi shows his true bastard side, Shimin gets a fucking break for once in his life, and Zetian kills god

[loverofallthingssarah]

If Flames Could Talk

Part 3

Ellie Staple x Reaper

WARNING: nothing in this chapter

Word Count: 900 +

Part 1 Part 2

A/N: U pdates may be sporadic & sorry if there are errors I’m shit at proofreading my own writing cause I read it how I meant to write it ☹️

A couple of weeks have passed working with Dr. Staple; nothing much has changed in the short amount of time you’ve talked. You keep pushing her for answers, and she keeps telling you it takes time. Time is a luxury you just couldn’t afford. But Dr. staple didn’t seem to understand how much you needed to remember that night. Anything piece to the puzzle that could prove your innocence that could be your alibi.

With each session working together, Ellie would extend the time. You started with one hour sessions, and we’re currently with her for two hours every day. Working on what you felt was completely useless things. You hated sitting there answered and discussing your life’s “trauma” this wasn’t some afterschool special. This was your life. This attitude you were portraying in the halls of Allentown Hospital wasn’t you, you weren’t this dark and melancholy, but you hated it here with your whole fucking chest.

“Alright, Y/n, today I think we are going…,” all you hear is dribble drabble of what she has planned for today, but you’re not in the mood for any introspection bullshit today. Dr. Staple always went on and on about how you should take a step back and look into how you process, but there was no time for that today. It wasn’t helping to pull anything from your memory loss, and to be honest, you couldn’t be bothered with it today. You just wanted fuck around a bit.

“What’s your favorite color?”

“I… um… what?” Ellie cocks her head to the side, clearly confused by your outburst. Since the beginning of your sessions, you barely spoke, and when you did, it was short and concise. No more, no less. Most of the time, she was met with dirty looks and burning eyes filled with disdain. “What’s your favorite color?”

“It’s powder blue, but I don’t see how this has anything to do with-” you cut Dr. Staple off, “My favorite color is a mix between a lilac or a soft yellow. Which really isn’t all interesting, so let’s get down to the nitty gritty. What’s your first name?”

Shock pours from every beautiful line on Ellie’s face. She quickly recovers to her ever neutral facial expressions, “What are you doing, Y/n?”

“I want to know your name,” she looks you dead in the eye, “why?”

You smirk before you reply, “I thought we needed to build trust between us, Dr. Staple,” your voice rises when you say her name, “and how could I ever possibly trust you enough to really open up and commit to any of your psychoanalysis bullshit? Plus, it’s not like your name is some top secret information.”

“It’s Ellie.”

Ellie, such a gorgeous name, meaning bright shining light. It fits such a person as Ellie. She always wanted to find a spin on how anything can be seen in such a positive way. You being here was a way to gain insight into your life; this is what she would always tell you. Not only her outlook as a psychiatrist was bright but also her demeanor. Her hair, her eyes…

“I like that name, so Ellie, how’d you know you were gay?”

Ellie felt a tingle when she heard her name escape your lips, “What? First of all, I think you shouldn’t be calling me Ellie. Call me Dr. Staple. Second of all, why are you asking me that? How can you just assume I’m gay?”

“I can tell. Most gays have gaydar. Mine just happens to be excellent. So, again Ellie,” you said her name in a singsong voice, “how did you know?” Ellie didn’t respond and just stared at you in surprise, “Well, I’ll go first. I realized in middle school when I had a crush on my 6th grade science teacher. I didn’t really know what it was at first, but then it just kind of hit me. I kept it hidden for the longest time because, well, society sucks, as you already know.”

You give her a look to tell her it’s her time to share, she starts to stutter, “Um… I…,” she knows how inappropriate it is to share her personal stories with you, but there’s something about you that she can’t deny, “I was in college, and I had this roommate. She was unlike anyone I had ever met before. We both just fell hard for each other, but it just didn’t work out. We both wanted different things. Which is probably way more than I should have shared, Y/n we should really get back too-,” you found yourself wanting to get to know her better. Wanting to ask her as many questions as you could possibly think of, but you knew where this was heading, and you just couldn’t let that happen. You couldn’t fall for her. She’s your doctor and the only ticket out of this hell hole you were not going to screw that up.

“I’m done for today,” you look away from Ellie.

“Y/n, our session isn’t finished-,” you cut her off yet again, “I’m done for today. You told me if I wasn't comfortable with continuing at any time, we could cut a session short. I would like to go back to my room, now!”

“O-okay,” Ellie reaches for the phone on her desk to call your nurse to escort you back to your room. While you’re waiting for her to return, you avoid any kind of eye contact with Ellie.

Once your nurse arrives, you scurry out of her office and make your trek back to your bubble.

While Ellie sits there and wonders where this session went wrong. She knew she shouldn’t have opened up like that to you. It was appropriate and not to mention unethical. She knew this wasn’t good because she knew what these feelings were. She knew she was developing feelings for you.

sfw taglist: @orchid-fairy @rainbow-hedgehog @twistedpoeticjustice @dreamer-queen @kais-rose-garden @magnificent-paulsonn @mrsdeanhoward @citizenoftheworld-stuff-blog @commanderspeach @in-cordelias-coven @lntlmate

[ohbae-me]

okay so, im about to go ham because i truly stand strong in my shoujo fantasy.

In my opinion, im pretty sure (like 89%) lucifer tells us that whenever mammon breaks off a relationship with someone, they go broke completely after. so hes had previous relationships before, as for the rest of the boys, im pretty sure lucifer has, but nothing serious, he wont let anyone in, MC is literally the only person who has pushed past his walls and seen him for more than pride. satan, 100% he has never had a relationship, levi, has had a couple of fwbs and other relationships but they always fizzle out, never lasting. asmo has never had a serious relationship, always just flings. belphie never had a serious relationship and same with beel. i truly believe MC is their first true loves, i know what youre thinking "theyve been alive for so long, theres no way someone couldnt have been special to them" but the thing is, theyre so different with MC; their entire dynamic and relationships changed with MC, MC saw them for more than their sin and got to know them to their very core, while yes the other relationships never lasted, thats not to say the boys didnt love them; but just not in the way they love MC. i believe MC to be a true love, not just a love, the difference for me is all of the boys would gladly give up chasing MC once she finds herself happy with another brother, instead of forcing them to choose yk? the "as long as youre happy, it kills me everytime i look at you smile at him, but i love you too much to let you be miserable with me" and i dont think any of them have experienced. also, with the whole "new relationship" thing, the honey moon phase, while yes every couple has it, i feel like with MC it would just, last. not to say they wouldnt have fights; ofc they would, but its different with MC, everyday the brothers would wake up and chose the option to love and fall in love all over again, speaking further on that, i dont think any of them would truly get over MC. and i mean that; (i dont think MC is going to die, obey me devs have something planned LOL, plus theyre super powerful, like the other anon said i dont think theyd be able to really function without them, even if they do "get over" mcs death at some point.) after MC dies i feel like the family dynamic wouldnt be the same, the brothers would get quieter and would never truly forget about it? and every relationship would fail because theyre not MC (you dont have to agree but i love reverse harems), like i 100% hc that after MC chooses another brother or after they die, mammon would try and try to find new flings, even after its been decades mammon finds someone whos super similar to MC, their look, personality, etc, but one wrong move and theyre out. (say MC doesnt like pickles, but the replacement for MC does, he would immediately start crying and call mc a stupid human who he shouldnt have fallen for.) anyways in conclusion, i truly dont think MC would ever die canonically in the obey me game, the devs are sneaky (love you devs), but even if they would, i really feel like they would never get truly over it. some part of me truly believes that the brothers would go back to being distant, how they were before. they would sit at the table and eat in silence, asmo would begin partying ten times harder (since we already know he uses his ego to cover up his major insecurity of people not liking him and how he feels about himself) and the brothers would become even more indugled in their sin. also, for every relationship they would have, they would just compare them to MC, and yeah but I cannot see MC dying. the other stuff about what the brothers would be like after MC dies could also be applied to when MC chooses her s/o. i think the brothers would be super fucking hurt, that was their first love, their first understanding who walked out and chose someone who wasnt them. anyways thats all, you dont have to reply i just felt like i needed to get this off of my chest, also im gonna be pretty frequent on your blog ( i love ur writing ) so im gonna call myself cake anon! have a great day! - cake anon

Hello Cake! iluuu! Thanks for this, i really love getting every ones take on these things! And there is defs a lot that i agree with here. 

I agree with the Mammon part. Out of all of the brothers, i feel he is probably the easiest to get emotionally attached in a relationship, so i see him as the one with the most previous relationships. Asmo coming in second, but his being mostly flings or poly/open relationships. I’m sure Mammon has had some serious ones as well as many flings, where Asmo’s have never been overly serious and certainly never long lasting. I’m also sure Luci has had a few, some more serious than others, but he wouldn’t get overly attached emotionally. I’m sure he’d be too busy with Diavolo since arriving, being the workaholic he is. I’m sure not many partners would be willing to deal with that level of non-commitment and emotional unavailability from him.Levi I feel like all his relationships never left that awkward early stage, and his only ‘serious’ relationships would have been strictly online, maybe a couple meetups that made him nope right out of it. Satan, again, has probably just gone on some casual dates but didn’t have much interest in actually dating rather than gaining connections. i feel like Beel is the most likely candidate to have had healthy previous relationships. He is pretty well balanced emotionally and has a good outlook on love and family values. I’m sure he’s had a few serious relationships and has dated his share of people. Belphie gives me vibes of had one or two previous serious relationships that did not end well at all and now he’s a salty sob over it lmao. 

I still don’t feel like MC is necessarily their first true love, but maybe the first different kind of love for them. MC has reached them in ways no one else has, they don’t try to change anything, they fit in well with the whole family, they understand their sins etc. I have loved a few different people in my life, and each one was such a different experience for me. The first guy i loved, i consider to be my first true love. However, it didn’t work. And then i met the man I eventually married, he wasn’t my first true love, but it was a better kind of love, yk? 

And uugghh you ripped my heart out with how the brothers would feel if MC chose a different brother!!!! Because they all would be so heartbroken it’s not them, but they really truly just want mc to be happy and cared for, and they know their brother would keep them safe and provide well. 

A few asks ago, i mentioned that the brothers would move on eventually. I think there is a big difference in moving on and getting over that I maybe didn’t articulate very well. If MC were to die or choose someone else, they would move on eventually, but they might not ever really get over it. My heart hurts just thinking about how they would feel trying to move on. Like you mentioned, the empty, quiet dinner tables, lackluster parties and festivals, it would be like they lost their best friend. (i giggled picturing your mammon scenario with the pickle because that’s exactly how he’d react to something so small lmaooo)

I also agree that i don’t think the devs will kill mc off (again), that just seems like a really crappy way to end the game!! I’m curious to see how they would make different routes go if you can only romance one of them end game, vs you being able to have them all? I wonder if we’d get a choice in the whole becoming immortal thing or not? 

Sorry if this reply was too long and rambly, i absolutely love discussing these kinds of things!! I always welcome these asks!!! 

[everything-laito]

hey,,, i've seen this controversial opinion about laito not being sexually assaulted by cordelia. . .as the only opinion of laito that matters, what are your thoughts on it? i know you've made some posts in the past about cordelia and laito's relationship, but i think that now would be a good time to i guess, remake a post or clarify your thoughts so people could follow along?? i hope you enjoy your day.

*proceeds to crack all my knuckles at once*

This isn't really my own "response" cuz oh boy I'm sick of this petty ass drama lmao. To begin, SKLDJF I'm very flattered that you hold my opinion in that high of regard! I'd say there's others that have interesting interpretations of him too though :) but again, thank you :') glad you enjoy what I have to say!

I know I've already kinda responded to this via a screenshot here, just to hold you––and others reading this––over. As much as this is a great time to talk about a how-to-analysis, I’ll still put that as a separate post eventually, but I still will go over the philosophy of truth and writings etc. But anyways, to answer your initial questions, they’re under the cut!

And no, I’m not specifically calling anyone out here. These are just issues with the fandom that I find as a whole, along with some extremists. Thus, I’m not going to be putting tags for people to easily find this post because I don’t want to be wound up in this drama––once again this is just more commentary on the fandom as a whole, which hopefully you can apply to people you find!

I have a lot of my own thoughts about Cordelia and Laito’s relationship here (just in case if people need it):

1. Goes over potential grooming of Laito, facts about Cordelia and what happened before she did stuff to Laito, and when did she rape Laito for the first time?

2. Stuff about incest and how any relationship out of a parental/child relationship is abuse even if it’s not penetrative sex, more incest stuff, and just more thoughts on their relationship

3. Neuroplasticity, trauma, Karlheinz, and isolation

4. What does sexual trauma look like? And some stuff on Laito’s facade

5. More stuff on his facade, and projection on Yui

6. My thoughts on Laito’s dark fate vampire ending + Conclusion

7. Answering some inbox stuff relating to Cordelia

Sure I realize I might be missing some stuff but that’s just my whole analysis on them. I’ll probably make some follow up posts eventually but I’m not sure when that will be.

But as for this analysis/ramble, I’ll divide it up into sections:

The issue of hypocrisy in the Dialovers fandom:

I- oh dear god. Ok, just saying, there’s a lot of people being like “oh I hate Cordelia because she was abusive” then ??? yo??? Why do you like the boys?? They’re abusive and we see more of them than Cordelia??? I just personally hate hypocrisy. However, it’s okay to hate Cordelia! It’s okay to love Cordelia! It’s okay to hate the boys and it’s okay to love the boys too. But recognizing that you don’t like one or the other just because “they’re abusive” is a fallacy at that point.

The reason why so many people hate Karlheinz/Cordelia/Beatrix/Christa/Richter (or at least start off hating them) is because they are written as the villains of the story! Karl’s the main villain, and the rest (including the diaboys and Yui) are kinda just tragically wound up in his plans. You sympathize more with the boys because you spend more time with them and watch them grow! It’s a whole “us vs them” situation. Since those people were awful to the boys/the boys hate them, you’re like “yeah they’re bad!” But the issue with the whole “us vs them” situation (as in real life) is that people tend to excuse the actions done by the “us” party.

Same thing goes with extreme Karl/Cordelia/Richter fans (I’ve never seen a hardcore Beatrix/Christa fan but they’re probably out there). Some hate the diaboys but love the people in that party. They’ve also done some shitty stuff too! Bro, even Yui has done some terrible stuff! But that’s because she was a product of the events she was thrown into––and same with everyone else.

Karl has been the mastermind of all this, and for me I don’t have any sympathy for him, mainly because we’re not shown anything to sympathize with (except that he just is tired of living but idk why he wants to create a whole new race like lmao science nerd ig, I feel that king). A lot of people like him for his looks, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing––he’s a fictional character, objectify these characters however you want. This is more of a personal opinion of mine though. And maybe people do just sympathize with his outlook on life, that’s totally fine.

But since these characters are all attractive in their own regard, they all get the treatment of “pretty-boy” syndrome (Idek if that’s the exact name for it). Which is just the privilege pretty people get. But again, this is fictional, so it’s not necessarily important in this case. Bro I got into DL cuz of “ooga booga hot vampires” and stayed for the complex lore and characters (especially one complex character, wonder who that could be). I imagine most people got into DL because of that, or out of sheer curiosity.

Ok, I’m throwing out a lot of points but not really connecting them. Lemme give you an example: I don’t like Reiji. His character doesn’t vibe with me most of the time aside from the fact that he’s hilarious. But I just am very neutral/neutral-negative on his character. But I’m not like “oh cuz he’s mean/abusive” cuz LOL EVERYONES MEAN IN THIS GAME. Sure you can still say that, it’s just not a very strong claim. Hypocritical claims tend to be like that. Same with a lot of Yui haters. In this case, they’re more jealous that she’s there and not them, which I’ve explained a lot in this post about toxic femininity and Yui in the fandom etc. But it’s ok to just not like a character! It’s alright! I know someone who just doesn’t vibe with Subaru. She doesn’t know why, she just doesn’t vibe with him. There’s no need to defend it either. But the use of hypocrisy is my main issue, and I’ll get to that in the next section.

(There’s a really good post explaining this too but I cannot find it for the life of me. I think it was made by @/abottleofkarlheinz or @/the-madame21)

How opinions of fictional universes left unchecked can effect real life:

I’ve said this a little bit in that Dialover PSA post I’ve made about Yui that I linked a couple paragraphs ago. But the reasons why people say they hate Yui is concerning. If you don’t like Yui, that’s totally fine! Again you don’t need reasons to hate on a character or defend it. But if you do choose to defend those characters, make sure what you’re saying isn’t out of some other place in your heart. Let me explain.

In that “Yui PSA” post I made, I say how your attitudes in being critical of a fictional universe usually does reflect on who you are as a person, at least when you’re making certain claims. In that Yui post, I say that the hatred on Yui is a result of the “other girl” mentality. On top of that, it erases her experience as a survivor. Yes, this is a fictional character, but bringing that into real life can have some dire consequences if you don’t differentiate them. If you have the same attitude of Yui with other survivors if the “abuser is hot” then thaaaaaat’s so fucked up.

For example, there’s people who have crushes on real life serial killers! That- that’s absolutely disgusting! Those real people killed living people and effected so many lives and families. Dude I have fictional crushes on fictional serial killers, and that’s different, because it is a removed universe. It’s why I can still call myself a lesbian but still have crushes on fictional male characters, for a further example (and vice versa! I have straight friends who crush on fictional characters of their same gender! But that doesn’t make them any less straight. And no, I’m not erasing bi people here either, just clarifying in case if you needed that).

Not being able to differentiate your opinions of a fictional universe can get very toxic. Like I love Laito, but I’m not like “omg I wish he was real so he could do that stuff to me uwu” like no!!! UH!!! I wouldn’t want to date anyone like him in real life! That’s literal abuse! And if Laito was here in real life it’s not a controlled environment, he’d literally be able to do anything with you, etc. That’s what makes a fantasy, a fantasy. They’re controlled.

Also vice versa, some people get really triggered by Dialovers, specifically Laito’s route. A lot of non-consensual acts that he does have been experienced by people in real life in any extent, myself included. For me, it’s a personal escape from that, because it is an environment where I am prepared for those events and can control my exposure to it. For some, they are reminded of the reality they had to experience. Fictional universes are inspired by real life, no matter what way you look at it. Real life people are making it, after all.

I feel like I’m going in so many circles, but trust me, I’m getting to the point.

I- I can’t explain this enough but it is most definitely implied that Cordelia had raped and sexually abused Laito. If it was explicit, DL would be an 18+ game, but they cannot do that in Japan. I’m not going to like defend this point because so many people (myself included) have defended this point. It’s implications carry over into Laito’s character and why he’s like this. He’s a textbook sexual abuse survivor. I just,,,, cannot explain this enough. Same thing with overwriting the abuse of Yui. They get jealous of Yui. Sure I’d say a good chunk of people have ravishment fantasies here. At least the 18+ people in the fandom who are into that stuff. But oh my dear god, ravishment fantasies are super super dangerous to enact in real life. It’s possible to do them, but it would take years of building up to that point in kink. That’s a whole other discussion though and I’m not incredibly comfortable talking about it knowing that minors read my blog (I’ll also have to say here: no minors in kink--its alright to educate yourself but pleaaaaaaaaaase don’t enact on any of those activities until you are of age, and even so that still can be dangerous right as you turn 18).

But anyways, saying that Yui should enjoy this because she’s experienced the ravishment fantasy you’ve dreamed of? Oh fucking hell, if you leave that opinion and mentality unchecked and it goes into real life, that’s incredibly awful. Abuse apologists are absolutely terrible people, almost as much as the abusers themselves.

If you twist the narrative that Laito loves Cordelia or Yui loves the boys at the end of the first game, that’s still––ughhhhhhhh. Especially when it’s so obvious that Laito has so many mental issues with Cordelia. His whole monologue and breakdown at the end of Dark Fate definitely tells us that he has had such an issue with Cordelia. And MB+ Laito is still Laito. As for Yui, dude she literally goes through stockholm syndrome in the first game like it is so goddamn apparent idek how to explain this at this point.

Ok dear god lmao wow, uh I think that’s answering the first couple of questions?

The philosophy of truth:

“Truth” has been an incredibly debated topic in philosophy for years. Truth is more of a subjective item rather than objective. Sure you can have personal objective truths, but they may not be the same truths for others. For example, a tomato is red. However, that tomato is red to me, because I am not color blind. A red-green color blind person may see the tomato as being brown or more muted in color. That’s their truth. They can’t really imagine what red is (ok depending on severity of their color blindness), considering they have not experienced the color red in the same way people who don’t have color blindness do. God uh, here’s a whole ass essay about truth, I’m cherry picking some of the things in there that are relevant to this.

Basically what I’m saying is, truth is very subjective. However, there are philosophers arguing a more objective truth. But that’s a whole other discussion. Also, this isn’t to support any political opinion, but I can use that as an example. Let’s go for well... The death penalty. I’m in America, we have the death penalty in some states. Yes, this is a very controversial topic, and no I’m not arguing the ethics of it here. Just hear me out.

If you live in Europe for example (except in Belarus and Russia––ok when I looked it up they consider Russia in Europe and technically it is but also there’s the whole chunk that is not- lmao even the truth of geography can be subjective), you might be like “yeah what the fuck are Americans doing?” (a common sentiment that I also share lmao). But yeah, what the fuck are we doing? Why is the death penalty still in existence? Yes, there’s statistics that prove that it doesn’t deter crime, but even crime rates is caused by a lot of different things too. Even statistics aren’t always accurate, because of many different factors. They’re not objective either, although good statisticians try their best to get good results and not skew the data. (please try to see where your data is coming from and who it is sponsored by––it matters a TON)

I’d say the closest thing we have as an objective truth to argue the death penalty or not is money. Money, although the concept is subjective, is a very objective currency. It’s why artists hate “exposure” compared to “money” as sole currency. The death penalty is very expensive, and not even used that often.

So, although money is currency made by us, and is technically 75% linen and 25% cotton (in America at least) with some funky dudes n numbers printed on it, it doesn’t sound that special. However, it would be considered as a baseline of some type of “objective truth” in ~society~ because people are typically on the same page of what money’s worth. Even so, this baseline of truth is still subjective! If Bill Gates accidentally has a $20 bill fall out of his pocket, that’s nothing to him! But if someone who’s working very hard to make ends meet loses that same amount of money, it could deal a lot of financial damage to that person.

Ok, hopefully you guys kind of get my drift. There are a lot of theories of truth, I’m just explaining one (honestly I forget the name of this theory) because it is the closest to the types of truth we are dealing with. And in this case, it’s called “canon.”

What the fuck is analysis:

The concept of “canon” is the objective truth that we have when analyzing universes. They’re our bread and butter of interpretation and extrapolation. The art of analysis clings to this notion of an objective truth. It needs a baseline. I’m going off of Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle, because that type of analysis I have the most experience with.

This is called rhetorical analysis. Rhetoric is the use of words in a persuasive fashion, and the analysis part is a breakdown of how words are used in order to achieve persuasiveness. I don’t typically use a lot of explicit rhetorical analysis in my personal writings, but I guess a version of it. Which typically has to deal with intention and execution. A lot of analysis on language has to do with this. Language is incredibly subjective. Certain words carry individual meanings to people. I have gone over the difference between real and lexical definitions before, and I’ll do it again.

I’ll just copy and paste what I’ve said before here from this analysis:

To put it simply, lexical definitions are the definitions you find in the dictionary. This is an “official” and “agreed upon” definition. Real definitions (quite a misleading name in my opinion) is the definition that’s more kind of “felt” in a way and how you internally interpret the word in context (these can be through individuals or any niche group). What I mean by this is that when you say a word (for example) to convey a feeling, you usually won’t know the dictionary definition off the top of your head. You say that something’s “savage” for example when you want to describe something violent or gruesomely awesome (it depends if it’s in a slang context or not) but there’s many lexical definitions (and outdated lexical definitions) of the term. But the first definition that usually comes up is “adj (of an animal or force of nature) fierce, violent, and uncontrolled.”

But people typically don’t think of the lexical definition when they learn what a word means; they usually learn the context of it and apply it as such. And that’s what a “real” definition is. Laito has a differing definition of what affection and love is, and that’s his own meaning and what it means to him.

I’ll even add another example to that too. The word “cunt” in english refers to a vagina. That’s just it. It’s lexically synonymous with “vagina,” “pussy,” etc. However, “cunt” has a subjective meaning to it. This is where “real” definitions also come into play. Many people view the word as vulgar and dirty. And that’s cuz we live in a ~society~ lmao. Our use of language has shaped what this word means in a context outside of the dictionary. I’ll do you one more. The Japanese word マンコ (manko) is also vulgar slang that’s kind of like our word “cunt/pussy.” Sometimes I say “cunt” for jokes, but I don’t use it that often to begin with since it’s just a very strong word to most (albeit it’s not that strong of a word for me). However, マンコ is a strong word to many Japanese people, but if I hear it even though I’ve been learning Japanese, it doesn’t have that same effect as hearing “cunt” for me is (which still, idc if I really hear it depending on context) because I haven’t been shaped in a culture that uses Japanese.

Even so, tone, intention, and context is HUGE in this. If someone called me a “useless fucking cunt” when they’re angry at me, I’d be close to crying. If someone told that to me as a joke, I’d be like “lol yeah you right, bitchass” and if someone said that in a consensual sexual context, it would certainly tickle my masochistic heart.

DSLKFJ also sorry if you don’t like hearing that word, I just had to utilize a strong example for this. But anyways, now let’s change the lens to Dialovers.

No, it never explicitly says that Cordelia rapes Laito. It doesn’t. However, there’s this WACKY thing called being able to infer, reading between the lines, and identifying implications. Those are kind of all the same things. However, indirect exposition is used a lot in effective creative writing. The utilization of this type of exposition is more preferred when writing a story, because direct exposition is kind of referred to as “info-dumping” when used excessively. Forgive my jargon: this is just showing vs telling as we’re taught in every writing class. I’m personally very bad at it, which is why I stick to writing these, and stick to reading creative fiction. (NOT SAYING IF YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT THIS TO NOT CONTINUE TO PRACTICE CREATIVE FICTION, I JUST DONT HAVE THE CURRENT MOTIVATION TO GET GOOD AT IT)

Dialovers uses a LOOOOOT of showing. And even so, its “showing” ability is very minimal considering the Japanese language can be vague on its own, it’s medium (visual novel) does not show a lot of things explicitly most of the time (and even when it is shown it doesn’t convey a lot). There’s several CGs of Laito and Yui where it doesn’t show the amount of pain or the dire situation Yui’s in, compared to what she’s saying she’s going through.

When I made my whole breakdown on Laito’s HDB route from Yui’s perspective, I got several comments about how they didn’t realize how bad his route really was. That’s either because people might not have experience with verbal abuse themselves, can’t exactly see Yui’s body language except her head (and even so, her expressions are limited), or don’t know a lot of gaslighting/verbal abuse techniques/have done research into it. Honestly verbal abuse is kind of hard to realize, so I’m not calling anyone dumb here. Despite me knowing a lot of the signs, I didn’t know I went through it––and even so I’ve denied it. And that’s what is so effective about this game though! Especially Laito’s route! Because you’re also sucked in with limited knowledge because you’re seeing this through Yui’s perspective, and on top of that it’s isolating. You can only make so many choices, and I feel like Dialovers is perfect as a visual novel. You get caught up with a lot of shock value things that Laito says, which serves as a perfect distraction for your first time through. But anyways, I’m getting off track.

For example, many people found his Maniac 07 chapter to be very confusing. I broke that one down here as well, and even so I was confused at first (also I was like 14/15, dear god). It tells you SO little, but you know that Laito’s incredibly upset at Richter for some reason, and even so, Yui comments on it a little too. Laito is shown to still hate Richter in DF, but he talks about it a tad more.

Here’s a further example from my writings in that first part of the Cordelia/Laito analysis series but I have bolded the terms I use to convey this rhetoric:

There hasn’t been any flashbacks that specifically show us the first time that happened. However, I believe that there was a flashback in HDB that shows one of the first times. Here’s a scene from Laito’s Dark Epilogue:

Cordelia: ー Laito…Laito… Laito: …Hm? Is something the matter? Cordelia: I have a favor to ask. It just isn’t enough. You can do it, right Laito? Laito: You really are something…So that’s why you came to me again? Cordelia: Fufufu…That’s right, Laito. Come on, quickly… Laito: …Guess it can’t be helped. I’ll love you plenty. Cordelia: Aah…My cute Laito~ I love you. I really do. Laito: I can do it…right? Cordelia: Of course, Laito. Now, quickly…

First of all, ew. Second of all, Laito’s diction implies that this was maybe the second or third time this occurred. He asks a question, and ends it with “again.” We know by this that it is not the first time, but the question also means that Laito might not have expected to occur again. His tone also implies some surprise to it, at least in my ears. His other question, “I can do it, right?” screams hesitance to me. If this scene took place down the line, or after many times he did this with Cordelia, I don’t believe he’d be some level of surprised or hesitance.

That’s what rhetorical analysis is. You take the contextual meaning of the words, the tone they use, and extrapolate what they imply. On top of this, we know that the term “love” here is sexual, implying that they did something sexual. We are not given the details of this, but considering we know that Laito uses “love” before he rapes Yui in the game, we can infer that’s what happened (or something similar) to himself with Cordelia, considering he projects on Yui quite a bit.

I was going to go over what is good/bad analysis, but I think I’ve implied it anyways here. Utilizing separate information from different sources of canon in order to make sense of something is good analysis. That’s our objective truth: canon. I’m not saying I’m the best at analysis, but I am fairly confident in it. It’s how I’m able to attempt to answer some of your “how would Laito react” questions without it being specifically hinted in the game. You cannot cherry pick specific sentences and go off of that alone for analysis. It’s context. It’s reading tone. It’s knowing the characters attitudes towards things, how they speak, etc. There’s a lot going into analysis in general. I know I didn’t elaborate on Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle right now, but that’s for another date I suppose.

Oh dear god I hope I didn’t lose you guys, I know this is a lot of information, but if you have any questions/comments/clarifications, as always, please let me know!

Hope you enjoyed! -Corn

[slurrmp]

unrequited ✰ 13th doctor x reader. part one.

a/n: based on this little prompt i wrote back during the new years special. have fun with the angst because that apparently is all i can do now. also two fics in the span of at least six weeks? ahahahahahahaha, i just up and vanished again - really hope my writing funk disappears soon but like ... wygd. so this is part one, because i assignments i need to do and i just wanted to get this out there after a solid four month hiatus.

Have you ever had a crush on someone but you knew that it was almost impossible for you to do anything about it? Every time you saw them, those stupid, awful butterflies would form in the pit of your stomach and would proceed to fly all over the place and you felt like you would throw up? That your body would gravitate towards them without you even realising it, that everything they did you wanted to do as well? Well - that’s how you felt about the Doctor. You strongly knew you shouldn’t because of the whole being an alien and a gajillion years old thing  but it was just one big fucking mess. 

To say the least.

However, your little human heart couldn’t help it. Your human emotions would always get the better of you. Something the Master had relentlessly teased you about because he saw it before YOU even did. How that rat of a Time Lord saw it always confused you - he had said that it was in your eyes, but the man lied on a good day, so you never wanted to take his word for it. But - you had ended up trying your best to keep your emotions off your face after that. Though, that wasn’t even the most depressing part of the story. Your eyes would always lock on to her frame as she entered a room, watch as she’d float around the console. Your heart would speed up when she would explain plans with her hands and monologue about universes and tell stories (especially about that time she was struck by lightening having fun with Benjamin Franklin.) 

To be quite frank with yourself, you were disgusted by the way she made you feel. You had never really been big on having a partner. Never really wanted to be in a relationship - you liked being by yourself too much, hanging out with your family and friends and then coming home at the end of the night to peace and quiet - sleeping in a big bed only shared by your pet. Some would consider that sad, but you always knew that you preferred your own company to that of anyone else's. But traveling with the Doctor for more than a couple of months now, that all seemed to have changed. Your outlook on life had drastically shifted gear, considering the fact that you could probably DIE on these certain adventures - that anytime you stepped FOOT out of the TARDIS, your life was in the Doctor’s hands. You ended up making a will after the first near death experience with the Doctor you ever had. 

She made you feel like you could do anything, that you were invincible, that you couldn’t be hurt or touched - that you were under her protection. Then came the touches, the hugs, the hanging off you when telling a story. Holding hands and sharing clothes, being used as a human notepad. It was a really really bad crush (even as much as you tried to fool yourself). You had thought about telling her countless times but it never seemed like the right moment. The way she would look at you when you asked to speak to her but that all changed when Yaz entered the picture.

Yaz would always come and ruin it.

You loved Yaz, you promised you really did - it was the green eyed little alien that lived in the back of your head that made you hate to see her. They would always partner up when you were on a new planet. They would always be the first to have a moment. They would always be the ones to stay up late having tea and talking about the day.

It sucked. Majorly.

You would mumbled under your breath and just stay at the back of the pack. Graham and Ryan hardly noticed - they were too busy with their own lives to worry about yours. It was a shame that the Master was the only one to notice - that was until Dan came along. That’s when everything drastically changed. 

“You should tell her you know.” His voice had caused you to jump. You had been standing in the doorway to the console room - head peeking around the corner, watching the Doctor talk to Yaz about something. They were barely a foot apart, heads pressed together almost - looking down at the console.

“Jesus Daniel.” You complained hand coming to rest over your heart. His eyes narrowed at the name, he still hadn’t told you if that was his real name or not (you had been trying to guess his birth name for the last couple of weeks), but a smirk pulled at the corner of his lips, before his own arms crossed over his chest. 

“I’m just saying...” Your FULL name fell from his lips and a whine escaped your own. “You’re going to lose your chance.” head tilted in the direction of the console room. 

“I never had a chance.” Came the pitiful reply. Dan’s eyes narrowed again. He hadn’t been with the three of you for very long, but in the short spam of time, he had witnessed your TERRIBLE pining. Your longing looks and awful stuttering whenever you got too flustered. The older man snorted before patting you on the back. 

“You never know.” He pulled away stepping over the threshold of the console room with a wink, before he turned around and made his way up the stairs. You would as Yaz beamed at him and then drastically started retelling the story the Doctor had just told her. A groan left you, as you fell forward onto the wall once more, your head banging against it for a couple of seconds. Pulling away, you peeked around once more and watched the three of them. Eyes focusing on the Doctor. Her eyes had never once strayed from Yaz’s face, and that god awful heavy feeling in your chest reappeared. This is why you never did romance, never did love - never made yourself openly available to over people. You always ended up getting hurt. 

“Where’s...” Yaz lingered off as her dark eyes spotted you just down the stairs. Her smile reappeared (you hated that she made you feel ... comfortable) and the Doctor turned around, her own smile plastered over her pale skin. Then it disappeared and that heavy feeling got heavier. 

Oh god, don’t notice. 

You thought to yourself, Yaz had waved you up, calling your name followed by “You’ll never bloody believe what this thing does” and you had no choice but to comply. Hands twisted with each other, your eyes now avoiding the Doctor’s, as you came to stand next to Yaz - you forced a smile. 

                                                    -x-

The planet was cold. Your face had scrunched up at the sudden blast of freezing air once the TARDIS doors opened. You stood just inside the time machine, arms wrapped around your stomach and your chin buried into the fabric of your scarf. You really didn’t want to go out there - you just wanted to go back to bed. Cry about your sorrows and watch Love Actually. Mmm maybe not, that - it might make you feel worse. 

The Doctor on the other hand had been ecstatic. Started to blab about the last time she had been on a planet completely frozen, something to do with the Ood and a giant brain. Yaz and Dan however, held almost the same exact facial expression as you - they weren’t too keen about this weather, but Yaz was the first companion off the ship. Of course she bloody was. Your eyes focused on the back of her head, trying to ignore the fact that the Doctor had grasped onto the other woman’s hand immediately and they were off down the hill. Dan looked back at you with a sympathetic look. 

“Come on, love, it won’t be that bad.” He tried to comfort you. “You can partner up with me?” Bless him, he really was trying to distract you. So you gave a soft smile, only nodding your head in the direction of the others. You’d follow after - but Dan gave a look as if he didn’t believe you. Eventually when the others had started to notice that you weren’t following them they stopped. Dan still focused on your face. “Oh love...” He sighed before a hand squeezed your bicep. A choked laugh left you, shaking your head quickly you ducked to look at the floor.

“You’re going to make me cry, Daniel.” You muttered.

“Oi, you two!” The Doctor shouted back at you and Dan. Lifting your head slightly, you could see her looking back, while her hand which was still in Yaz’s, was extended. “You can’t just stay in the TARDIS all day!” You let your gaze fall back on Dan. The both of you just stood there for a couple of seconds, before he sighed and let you go.

“Don’t take too long,” He said before he stepped out fully into the cold. “She’ll start to wonder where you’ve gone.”

“Promise,” You mumbled. “Just - need to get some gloves.” You lied. Dan sighed before he turned around and trailed after the others. Taking a deep breath in, you buried your hands into the pockets of your massive jacket. “I hate this,” You mumbled, turning around you came to a sudden jolt when right in front of you was a coat rack, but instead of coats, there were a pair of gloves. A soft smile spread across yours lips, you looked up at the ceiling of the TARDIS. “Thanks old girl.” Grabbing the gloves, you slipped them on before you turned around again and followed after the others - wrapping your scarf and jacket closer to your body.

You took your spot at the back of the group - the three of them all walked in a line, that was until the Doctor had noticed. “What are you doing back there?” The question almost made you jump, looking up, the Doctor had stopped - turned around and gave you a pointed look. Your name fell from her lips, before she leaned forward, grabbed a hold of your hand and pulled you next to her. “No one is to walk at the back.” She gave you a pointed look and you couldn’t help the blush that rushed to your cheeks - you were glad that it was a SNOW planet, can just blame the weather for that one. You fell into step with her.

Her hand was about the same size as yours, which made holding it easy. Looking down at your hands, fingers laced between yours. “Don’t want to lose anyone.” The Doctor finished her voice sounding so close to your ear.

How could you tell this crush of yours to fuck off.

Because this was ... terrible.

[kendrixtermina]

Appreciating the Range of Type 6, or, one stereotypical example, and three that aren’t.

I want to tell you about some type 6 ppl that I know in my personal life.

Exemplar #1: F. B.

Complete Stats

Wing: 5 p or cp: largely phobic – lots of safety worries, outright authoritarian follower personality Instinct: sp/soc Trifix: 613  - 6w5 1w2 3w2 (“The Taskmaster” or “The Middle Manager”) jungian: ISTJ / SLI-Te oldham: Conscientious & Aggressive Essence Type: Mars Temperament: Pure Choleric

What he’s like:

Not pleasant.

Every “strict conservative middle aged guy” stereotype in the book. Control freak, makes a mountain out of every molehill, sees the world as full of axe murderers, judgemental as fuck, horrible temper and yet completely impersonable, all his opinions are copypasted from right-wing news sites. When they say war is good he’s for war, and when they say war is bad he’ll be like “At least Trump did not start any more wars” without perceiving a contradiction. Despite this, he believes is very hot, principled and funny. He is none of these things. He puts people down nonstop. My knowledge of neurochemistry tells me that he must have emotions somewhere or he couldn’t function, but I ain’t ever seen a single one of those emotions. They’re all for his job and a few trusted mentor figures. And his mom. At least he loved her.

If you say anything he doesn’t like, he “throws the sofa out the window” as his wife once put it.

How he’s a Type 6:

Well, he’s pretty much every negative stereotype in a nutshell… other than distrusting his partner. But that might be cause hes sx blind, or cause the wife is big on monogamy & wouldn’t ever cheat.

The one positive trait of 6 that he has is that he does his research. Before moving anywhere he googles the crime rates and if you need a doctor he might find you the best one. But even that can be overriden by ideology (hydroxychloroquine!). And if you don’t take his exact advice, there goes the sofa out the window again…

And I guess the work ethic from all 3 parts of the trifix really comes through – he hasn’t had a single bad grade in his life and always keeps collecting new certifications, and will make sure you hear about it...

Exemplar #2: I.

Complete Stats

Wing: 5 P or cp: pretty much an even mix of phobic and counterphobic Instinct: sp/soc Trifix: 614 - 6w5 1w2 4w3 (Would prolly call herself “The Big Pain” rather than “The Philosopher” ^^°) jungian: INTJ / ILI-Ni oldham: Serious & Conscientious Essence Type: Saturn Temperament: Chlor-Mel

What she’s like:

I’d describe her as serious, mature, discerning, focused and passionate about her friendships, if perhaps somewhat forceful at times, with a dry, sarcastic sense of humor.

Comes across like someone who knows what she’s talking about, with well-articulated points.

Often the Responsible Sibling, Designated Sanity Checker or Bullshit Detector.

Prefers to plan everything in advance in typical Ni dom fashion, even amusement part trips. Gets somewhat anxious without a future plan or shedule.

Often mistaken for a whole lot more sociable and confident that she really feels inside. (even I kinda bought it and got her whole darn trifix wrong on my first typing attempt, though that was when I was new to typology) She can act the boss act temporarily to get the situation over with, but she actually hates making decisions.

She does however have the occasional cute/pure moment where that lower function block comes out.

How she’s a Type 6:

She has saved our family from many a terrible restaurant by making sure to check the reviews. The preparing for all possible dangers is very 6, the acting tough outwardly when youre inwardly anxious, the intellectual problem solving & some tendency towards organization/responsibility/ “logistic” intelligence.

One online test she took gave her 5w6 instead of 6w5 but that’s probably just the ITxx-ness leaking in. I remember this one time we were discussing this artsy-fartsy theater play to which we’d had fascinatingly different reactions, and at one point I half-jokingly said something like “But does anyone ever really feel connected to others, or is that a myth?” to which she wrote, “[Name], what the fuck? Yes I do.” and then immediately deleted it. That’s more of a 6 reaction innit?

Nonetheless the wing does feature in significantly – for example she got very well informed about a lot of topics because she researched them to assuage a random survival-related fear, like, “How to make sure I have enough retirement money”

Exemplar #3: M.

Complete Stats

Wing: 7 p or cp: largely phobic Instinct: sp/sx Trifix: 692 - 6w7 9w1 2w1 (Fortunately very much a “Good Samaritan” rather than “The Stockholm”) jungian: ISFP / SEI-Fi oldham: Sensitive & Devoted Essence Type: Lunar-Venus Temperament: Pure Supine

What she’s like:

Precious! Sweet, nice, good listener, friendly, gives all the best gifts. But also perceptive and good at understanding people, eg. mediating to the parents when one of the younger sisters is having An Emotion™ or winning the trust of problem children.

Unlike I. Who has some soc that helps her keep track of a larger circle of friends despite her introversion, M. tends to enjoy the closeness with her family and have just a few very close friends. Excellent friend material all around! The sx and Se also come out in enjoying art forms involving the body like theatre or dance.

She can be a bit shy, conflict-avoidant and occasionally a lil bit panicky though.

As a small kid she used to be super duper shy but then a wise english teacher encouraged her to play a big role in a play, and since then she’s a lot more confident and doesn’t let ppl push her around without limit, though she’s still a quiet, helpful person. There you see the difference that a good teacher can make.

How she’s a Type 6:

For one thing she moves and emotes faster than a core 9 would, and she fits the body language – big eyes that move around a lot, stands a bit lopsided, talks in a shrill voice on the rare occasions where we exhaust her patience etc. As a xSFx and a w7 she shows mostly the “warm, friendly, likeable” side of type 6. She also has a very 6-ish tendency to very frequently ask people’s opinions & feedback before making decisions. (the other fixes probably add to this)

Alas, she also has a little bit of of the fear/insecurity.

Also she has a social/care job which might be seen as 6-ish desire to serve the community.

Exemplar #4: J.

Complete Stats

Wing: 7 P or cp: largely counterphobic Instinct: sx/soc ?? definitely not sp first. Trifix: 638 - 6w7 3w4 8w9(?) (Shall she be a “Justice Fighter” or a “Kyle”? Only time will tell.) jungian: ISTP / LSI-Se ?? Oldham: ? some Dramatic & Serious, perhaps ? Essence Type: Definitely Mercury Temperament: San-Mel

What she’s like:

The first adjective that usually comes to my mind is ‘cool’. Sassy, energetic & a little bit tough, but also affectionate when she wants to be. (though in admiring way rather than a mushy one)

She says the coolest things, has a certain sly sort of cleverness, and an astonishly good poker face. Bit of an occasional prankster. Hilarious. Knows all sort of cool science facts. Avid gamer. 

Not especially popular or over the top sociable, but she gets sad if no one pays attention to her a while. Will act visibly moody where ppl can see sad or worried and can catastrophize a bit in such situations.

How she’s a Type 6:

I first though we might be getting an ExxP type 7 since she was a pretty energetic child, but once puberty hit and independent thought manifested, she turned out a whole lot too reactive and ‘edgy’ for this, and more on the ‘moderate introvert’ side of things.

Since then the sisterly dynamic has been like one fluffy golden dog and 3 hissing black cats. Hissing Cats #1 and #2 are very proud of her, but cat #1 was forced to conclude that she’s probably not a positive outlook type.

Out of all the reactive types 6 fits best because she does broadcast group identity (like wearing merchandise of her favorite media and wearing buttons in solidarity with ppl she likes.) & has a big case of Big Sibling worship for M, I, and someone else who isn’t on this list due to being a 9. (a 4 or 8 might like their older siblings but probably wouldn’t constantly stress the admiration.), but she can also show lasting, pouty displeasure with authority figures who have slighted her. (Like that one time I went too far in teasing her...)

I’m just assuming the 8 fix because that tends to make 6s more bold, louder & more shameless.

Basically she is the “punk teen” type of 6. She can be a bit dramatic & over-the top but still come to her family on advice (even advice on pranks!) in ways that xSTPs of other enneagrams prolly wouldn’t.

She also tends to use self-deprecating humor in tough situations and deflects compliments to present herself as ‘ordinary’.

...

This may sound like I’m really getting down on my first example (I won’t pretend that I’m not) but the point in bringing him up is that the reason he’s like this is: He was subject to really bad parenting that put a lot of fear into him, there was no good parenting to teach him broader coping strategies, he lived in a crappy environment that crushed his dreams, in a sense ‘confirming’ those fears and making him double down, resulting in a person who is just always rigidly following the same predictable pattern or jumping from one automatic reaction to the next with very little pausing and thinking. That goes for the other types too: A ‘stereotypical’ person is a desperate person ruled by fear, who cant stop or soften up even for an instant cause they constantly feel this fire of threat under their arse.

A lot of descriptions say that 6s ‘Follow authority’ but most would balk at the notion – ‘I do the research!’ they might argue ‘I don’t just trust anyone’ or ‘I’m actually a rebel’. There is of course such a thing as denial  that’s more like the extreme case.

But with a more average, functional 6 it’s not so much ‘obedience’ as that they just like to bounce their ideas off of others to get feedback, or that they feature in other’s viewpoints. So you might get someone who can naturally use feedback (something other ppl may have to learn first) or who is very considerate of others (which others might have to consciously remind themselves to do.)

Those are sometimes pretty good traits actually.

On the other hand this is probably part of what makes decisions hard cause they consider all these possible scenarios of how things might displease or cause harm to everyone involved.

Being able to naturally snap into Action Mode under stress looks a bit enviable from the outside, but I. assures me that it’s actually super stressful & exhausting, even for someone who doesn’t get to a point of just being unreasonably aggro at you.

Though even an extreme case like F.B. would probably claim that he ‘did the research’ even as he’s 1:1 quoting the Pope at you, and then saying that you ‘have to be respectful’ even if you don’t even believe in Christianity. Hence why you get a lot of authoritarians talking about “disrespect”. You didn’t “fail to obey”, you “disrespected the flag” or  “hurt the feelings of the Chinese people”. Because they’re still trying or inwardly thinking that they’re doing the consideritation & considering other’s PoV thing when they’ve long since crossed from respect and consideration into mindless obedience, all while still thinking that they’re very sceptical and discerning cause after all they really distrust the other political party or whatever.  

In a way you get this obsession with ‘mind control’ cause they’re not unaware of & very much looking to guard the blind spot. They’re adults trying to do adult things.

For example, if I voiced an opinion to F. B. which he didn’t like, his reaction was often to ask “who told you that”

That’s just how he seems to think opinions work, somebody tells them to you.

Makes one wonder how he thinks new opinions start.

Yeah - Nobody told me that. I concocted it myself in some corner of my head. And in the interest of objectivity, I should stress that you can also end talking out of your ass that way, if you’re not basing it on enough outside data. Making up new shit has more of a quadratic than a linear learning curve – at least with copying you get something semi-useful right away. In making up your own you might be really off a long time before you stumble on something useful.

Also, I was young at the time and it’s not wholly unreasobale to think that an inexperienced person might be duped. I reacted really badly in part cause he hit my own ego buttons cause I was of course proud of this epiphany that I had concocted by myself, and now he says (or so I perceived it, being sensitive to accusations of incompetence) that I’m too dumb to form an opinion, so of course I launched into full Obnoxious Reddit Dude Mode.

In I. It manifests more on a reasonable useful level like “Oh wait, should [young cousin] be on TikTok? I don’t want him to get sucked into some cultish BS.” which is at least something the parents should have on the radar/ warn him about even if they do let him use TikTok, because for all that it is vital for him to get his experience with independent socializing & experimentig with sel-presentation, people do sometimes get suckered into cults or goaded into unsafe tests of courage.

And in a sense… maybe they overamphasize it but to some extent they’re also simply consciously aware/ mindful of it. The rest of us are not immune to propaganda after all, solong as it’s presented in a way pleasing to our egos. Any type structure can become a ‘hook’ if you’re not careful.

[shkspr]

You know, I'm fucking heartbroken because when Martin first appeared and he was talking about how spiders are cute he immediately became one of my favourite characters, but later I lost interest because I felt that everyone liked him too much, and now I miss caring about him :( If it's not too much trouble, help me fall in love with him again?

absolutely it is my pleasure!!!! consider the following:

martin grew up poor and taking care of his mother and he had to drop out of school to get a job to support the two of them and he never resented her or left her on her own, he always visited and wrote to her and took care of her even when he got nothing in return in the way of parental love or appreciation, he didn’t ever question his loyalty to her even when he knew how she felt about him

he lied on his cv to get a better job for her, for them, put himself through so much stress and anxiety for the sake of making a living, which nobody should have to do but especially not someone as young as he was, dropping everything else in his life to take care of the one person he had

he was always so alone! no siblings. his dad left and his mum hated him. he was so fucking lonely and it made him sad but it never made him turn his back on himself. he held onto his heart and nurtured himself when nobody else would do it!

it is so incredibly difficult to maintain the kind of outlook he has concerning the world and other people. he wants to be happy and he wants to make other people happy and that’s not naive or childish it’s so brave and he is so strong for keeping that attitude despite everything that’s happened to him.

he truly went above and beyond the call of duty in the name of ‘due diligence’ and put himself in mortal danger because he wanted to do it right and he wanted to do a good job! he cares so much!

he was the only person who got through to jon and got him to talk about his fears and his feelings despite jon’s apparent dislike of him, he never gave up and he never abandoned jon, he just kept caring for him!!

he gave jon a jar of ashes to comfort him after the prentiss attack!

he made sure that jon knew that he knew that he was slipping in season 2, stood by him and said i know you’re hiding things from us, i know you’re getting yourself hurt, i know you won’t tell me what’s going on or let me help in the way i really want to, but in the meantime i’m going to make sure you’re eating properly and i’m going to keep bringing you tea because i care about you

he was the only person who stood with jon when everyone else was giving up on him, martin believed in him and defended him and always tried his best to mediate and be the voice of reason

seriously, tim and jon and melanie and basira made it sound like martin was some naive little puppy who stubbornly, optimistically believed that everything would magically be okay, but he was actually a brilliant man who stubbornly, optimistically believed in the ability of himself and his friends to make things work out and to do their best with what they had

martin was smart enough to concoct the plan to take down elias and brave enough to execute it. he put himself in danger and subjected himself to psychological torture and stood firm and courageous in the face of elias’s anger and power, and it worked, and he won! martin blackwood got the better of elias!

he lost everyone he cared about in the span of a few months, he mourned for tim and he mourned for his mother and he mourned for jon, he had nobody, again, and this time it was worse than when he was growing up, because he’d had those close relationships, he’d had people he loved and then he lost them

and still he resisted peter’s grooming and courting for months, and only joined up with him when he had absolutely nothing left to lose and he did have a bit of a death wish but he also wanted to do something, to help people, to get them that little bit of protection from being in with the man in charge

he never fully fell in with peter and the lonely, he always maintained his suspicion and his loyalty to who he was, and when jon came back he tried so hard to balance everything and to keep peter happy without alienating jon entirely - he kept his faith in jon and he kept his hope that they could figure out what game was being played and then win it

and he did, sort of! there were things he could never have known, but he figured out that peter was playing him, he figured out that it was more than what they were telling him, and he figured out how to play his own game in return, how to string peter along and keep everyone else out of danger while the whole thing played out!

he ran away with jon, stuck with him and loved him and helped him deal with the fallout of everything at the panopticon, no resentment and no question, dropped the lonely and chose love instead!

and that didn’t change when jon brought the apocalypse down on them, not one bit! he was never anything but supportive and comforting and reassuring and he advocated for jon when he couldn’t advocate for himself! he reminded jon that it wasn’t his fault and he kept jon from falling entirely into wallowing and self pity!

he kept all that fierce determination even in the face of the literal end of the world! he was prepared to fight from the beginning, prepared to find a way to fix it even when all signs said there was no way to fix it!

but he also was willing to wait for jon to be ready! he was so eager to start swinging and searching for solutions but he understood what jon was going through and he gave him both the space and the support he needed to get to a place where he could imagine hoping for a future!

he learned how to stand up for himself, how to communicate honestly, how to ask for what he needed, how to maintain a loving and healthy relationship in the midst of a nightmarish hellscape, and he has been supportive and understanding and simultaneously unwilling to put up with jon’s bullshit, when that’s what it is

martin blackwood is brilliant and compassionate and pragmatic and hopeful and loving and strong and brave and clever and he’s consistently underestimated by those around him and he’s lost so much and been through so much and he remains a diamond in the rough rather than letting all of that horror destroy him!

[laacunaaaaa]

My favorite to least favorite sun signs and why❤️

1.) Sagittarius: I love my sister sign, you just get me and I love our endless conversations (also my love is a Sagittarius so yes I’m bias) you’re also hilarious, honest (which my Scorpio moon loves) and I’m inspired by your ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude ❤️

2.) Taurus: Most of my family is Taurus and I know how to calm you guys down. I love the steadiness of your nature and know can always count on you! I love that you just want to chill at home cause babies, I hate going out too ❤️

3.) Aquarius: I love that you think outside of the box, your innovative ideas and we can really talk about anything. Also your a fixed sign and I do love that because again I can always count on you guys.

4.) Scorpio: Maybe I’m a bit bias cause I have a Scorpio moon and my best friend of 22 years is a Scorpio, but what the fuck ever. You guys say what needs to be said, yeah you keep a lot of your true feelings hidden, but once you really trust someone you’ll let 90% of it out there 😂 But I love your darker nature, I really connect with it because again, I have a Scorpio moon. I love deep talks and your loyalty, and you guys crack me up❤️

5.)Capricorn: Obviously we all have different aspects in our chart that poses influence on our overall personality, and with Capricorns it’s definitely a hit or miss with me. But one of my favorite people in the world is a Capricorn. You guys have an excellent sense of dark humor, you’re deep thinkers and really take your time planning things out. I’ve had a Capricorn have my back since the time I was born and I can’t ever forget that, so because of that your in my top 5.❤️

6.) Gemini: I’m a gemini sun myself and I like the conversations with my fellow Geminis. I love that we always see two sides to every story. Some people with narrow minded views will see this as us being two faced, but we simply don’t always place importance over personal feelings vs. the truth. We’re very open minded and will always want info on everything before we make a move. And I love that we’re goofy and can talk about anything!

7.) Aries: Don’t know too many of you, but I love the fire in your soul. You’re so passionate about everything you do and you don’t take shit from NOBODY. You’re always ready to have a loved ones back and can talk shit and back it up lol.

8.) Virgo: Again I haven’t met too many of you but I love how your words cut through all the bullshit. You’re on point and witty as hell (my fellow mercurial) and I’m sorry you usually have stomach problems from so much anxiety, I hope you guys have a good day 🥺💕

9.) Pisces: I grew up with a lot of Pisces, I love your sense of humor and appreciate at times your dreamy outlook on life. Unfortunately reality isn’t your favorite place to exist, so you hate to have your bubble popped and I’m usually Edward scissor hands in these situations, so we can only be around each other for so long 😅

10.) Libra: I’m not close to any Libra’s and never have been. Nothing against you guys, we just never really hung out. I’ve hung out with one Libra once at a party and she was super fun and funny! She was very sweet and open about a lot of things so that was very refreshing! But that’s all I got on you guys so far so I’m sorry 😅💕

11.) Leo: I love our conversations and we have a lot of fun together, but that’s as far as it goes. I can’t take the selfishness babies I’m sorry. I love your bad bitch attitudes and your fashion sense is amazing, but I don’t trust you guys and trust is everything for me personally. I’ve had way too many Leo suns down right fuck me over, talk shit, stab me in the back and put my life in danger. I don’t hate any of you, I just know to keep my distance.

12.) Cancer: I love that you guys know how to articulate your feelings (it’s something I struggle with) and that you have a good handle on emotional knowledge, unfortunately sometimes you use that against people. Obviously every cancer will be different based on your chart, but the cancers I have met burned me badly, were slightly obsessive and kinda scary. Also mean as fuck when they didn’t get their way with me. So because of those personal experiences you are my least favorite. But again, not every cancer is like this, so don’t think I hate you guys I just keep my distance❤️

[swiftlymoniquesblog]

I Just Want My Heart Back: Sam Winchester x Reader

A/N: Hello friends! Well, I thought it was time to update my Supernatural masterlist since I’ve been writing so much for Marvel and Harry Potter. It’s been way too long since I wrote something that wasn’t holiday related for Supernatural and after talking to a very good friend, I came up with this! 

BIG shoutout to @calaofnoldor because she gave some wonderful little nudges and suggestions for this and I’m quite proud of how quickly I put this together. The title for this was her idea, as well as this GIF so thank you lovely for all your help!

Warnings: Angst, swearing, breakup, jealous!Sam, mentions of sex, boobs (yep that’s a warning lol) and implied sex but nothing too filthy cause y’all know that’s not how I roll (and I want y’all to use your imaginations too ;))

Word Count: 4,383 

Supernatural Masterlist| Masterlist of all Masterlists

Feedback is greatly appreciated! Tag lists requests are OPEN as well as my inbox!

*Italics are flashbacks and POV*

-Monique

“I don’t think this is working out,” Sam says, coming to you one day after a hunt gone bad.

“What isn’t working out?” You ask, looking up to the taller Winchester.

“Us, you and me. You living and working with us. All of it.” He says, refusing to make eye contact.

“What? What do you mean it’s not working out? What’s the problem? I’ve been living with you and Dean for the last two years! Why is there suddenly an issue?” You question.

“Well lately, (Y/N) you’ve been really reckless on these hunts we’ve been going on,” he answers, still not looking at you.

“What? Reckless? I’m a hunter, Sam. I take chances just like you and Dean do and they don’t always go as planned, like today.”

“Exactly, that was really stupid of you to go in that warehouse by yourself,” he says as you’re taken back to the events of the day.

“Alright, Sam, you and I will scout out the warehouse, see if we come across any vics. (Y/N) I need you to be on the lookout and alert us if someone’s coming,” Dean said, with Sam next to him, guns aimed and ready to fire. But they looked to you and you were nowhere to be found.

“(Y/N)?” Dean whisper yells for you.

“Dean!” Sam says, panic filling his voice. The youngest brother pointed in the direction of where he was looking straight ahead, seeing you running inside the warehouse.

“Son of a bitch!” Dean yells as he and Sam run after you.

You were too far ahead to hear them running after you until it was too late. An entire pack of vampires had rushed you, trying desperately to sink their teeth into you. A good dozen or more were surrounding you and you began swinging, taking your knife to slice off the heads of the monsters as they grew too close. Screams of the victims could be heard as you fought hard, soon realizing you went alone. Just as one vamp lost its head, another was right behind you and sank its teeth into your shoulder. You scream out in agony; the venom was quickly spreading through your body.

“(Y/N)!” Sam yells to you, watching as you fall to the ground; the pain bringing you to your knees.

“Sam, we can’t stop, there are too many vamps out here!”

“She’s going to turn into one of them if we don’t help her, Dean!”

“Cas! If you can hear us, get your feathery ass down here and save (Y/N)!” Dean yells and then, a fluttering of wings came down in front of you.

“Hello (Y/N), let me take a look at you,” Cas says, kneeling beside you and carefully moving your collar of your shirt away from where you were a bit. You hiss out in pain as the wound was now exposed to the air around you.

“Alright (Y/N) luckily I was able to get here just in time before it got too bad so I can heal you enough now to transport you back to the Bunker but I’ll have to extract the venom from you later. okay?” Cas explained.

“Just, do it!” You cry and a blinding light flashed around you, causing you to lose your sight for just a moment but the sound of vamps being killed was the last thing you heard.

 “Alright, I admit, that wasn’t the best decision I could’ve come up with but I’m okay!”

“Yeah, but today wasn’t the first time you got hurt really bad on a hunt!” Sam yelled, suddenly making himself seem even bigger than he already was.

“What are you saying, Sam? You want me to leave?”

“Yes. I can’t keep worrying about you getting hurt because you’re too damn stubborn to listen to a damn thing Dean or I tell you! We’re more experienced hunters, (Y/N), we know what’s safe and what’s not. We can’t that burden over our heads,” He says.

You felt the tears brimming to the surface of your eyes but with the words he just spoke, you couldn’t let him see you upset.

“Alright, um, I’ll go pack my things and be out of your way.” You say, brushing past your now ex-boyfriend, but making sure to hit him hard as you did so.

When you reached your room, a photo of you and Sam sat on the end-table beside your bed, the smiling faces just mocking you. Grabbing the frame, you throw it across the room and scream at the broken glass now scattered across the floor.

“Fuck you, Sam Winchester!” You yell, hoping to anyone that he was listening.

You and Sam had always been close and just recently started dating. Sure, it was challenging but you thought since you were in the business too, it would be easier to work out any differences you may face; you were clearly mistaken. Taking a duffel bag from out of your closet, you throw all your clothes and toiletries inside, packing up furiously. When you were sure you had everything, you find a scratch piece of paper and write up a note for Dean. You and he were close too; he was like your older brother.

 Dean,

I am so sorry to be writing you this letter but I’ve been informed that I should not be living or hunting with you and Sam anymore. Apparently, I am a burden to you guys and you don’t want to have to worry about my well-being on every case. I guess I am just like you though; stubborn as a mule. I thought that was a good thing but according to Sam, it’s not. I thought he and I could work through anything because I became a hunter too, but I was wrong about that, too.

I’m not sure where he and I went wrong, but today was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I love him, Dean, I really do, but I guess he doesn’t love me enough to keep fighting for a relationship with me. I have a friend who’s a hunter who offered a place for me to stay and is willing to teach me new skills to improve myself as a hunter and who knows, maybe by then, Sam will actually want me around as a partner.

I’m going to miss eating greasy burgers and staying in cheap motels and watching Western’s with you but this is for the best. I can’t be around someone who doesn’t want me around and Sam has made that very clear that he doesn’t care about me anymore.

Here’s my address of where I’ll be staying at for a while; just don’t tell Sam where I’m at. I need to grieve the loss of one of the best things that have ever happened to me. I wish him well though, please tell him that.

I hope to stay in touch with you; you’ve always been like a big brother to me. I love you Dean and I’ll call you when I get to my new home.

Love, (Y/N)

Folding up the paper, you grab your bag and your keys for your car. Walking past Dean’s room, you slide the letter under his door and knock on it, before rushing towards the stairs out when you heard Sam calling for Dean.

“What’s up, Sammy?” Dean asks when he opens his door, noticing the note in front of him.

“I think I found a case for us to work. What’s that?” Sam said, looking at the paper in his brothers’ hand. Just then, the sound of a vehicle starting and driving away interrupted them.

“Who’s leaving?” Dean asked, walking out to the War Room; Sam remaining silent. “What?”

Sam remained quiet for a while until Dean starting growing angry.

“(Y/N) left,” Sam finally said.

“What? What do you mean, (Y/N) left?” Dean asked, still furious with his little brother.

“Where did she go, Sam?”

“I don’t know,” Sam said, avoiding the conversation he just had with (Y/N).

Just then, Dean remembered the letter that was on his bedroom floor. He reached for it from his back pocket and opened it.

Sam watched as Dean’s eyes bounced back and forth across the page; he was starting to feel guilty.

“You told her to leave?” Dean asked, in a calm voice but Sam didn’t peak.

“Answer me, Sammy! Did you tell (Y/N) to leave?!” Dean’s voice escalated.

“Yes,” Sam simply answered.

“Great, you know she’s gone, right? She said we see her as a burden? Did-did you tell her that?!”

“Yes,”

“Oh my God, Sam! That’s just great! You know she was the best thing that ever happened to you and you just push her away like that? Why?”

“She was always getting hurt, Dean? What was I supposed to do? Tell her she was doing a good job at constantly getting hurt?” Sam yelled back to his brother.

“Yes! She was stubborn like we are but she was willing to become a hunter just so she could be with you, Sammy! She loved your dumb ass and what, because she got hurt all the time, you stopped loving her?”

“No, I-I never said I don’t love her anymore,”

“Well, she thinks you don’t love her! And you know what else she said in this letter? She said she needs time to grieve the best thing that ever happened to her!”

Sam was quiet for a minute, letting his brothers’ words sink in. The girl he was in love with, was gone forever, all because he hated how stubborn she was and how she never listened. She was just like him and that bothered him. He didn’t want her to be like him, so broken and hurt, but she was also good. She was beautiful and had a positive outlook on life; always bringing happiness to the brothers when they were down. She was young and full of life, always caring about everyone else before herself and maybe that was why she always got hurt. But she loved Sam and he couldn’t understand why, but he felt lucky to have her. Maybe he was overreacting; he got hurt a lot too. It was part of the job to get hurt saving people’s lives and not everyone could do it but (Y/N)? She was good at it because she cared for people so much, way more than he or Dean even could.

“Did she say where she was going?” Sam suddenly asks, growing worried about where she had gone.

“She did, but she doesn’t want you to know. You really hurt her, Sam,” Dean said.

“I know, I fucked up bad. I thought if she wasn’t here anymore, that she couldn’t get hurt, and then I wouldn’t have to worry about her so much. At least, if she went away, she would be safe, but I don’t even know that to be true,” Sam confesses.

“Your plan just completely backfired on you,”

“Yeah, I made things worse, and for what?”

“Because I thought this was the best way to protect her and when she got hurt, Dean, she was almost always near death. I-I couldn’t stand seeing her like that because I knew there was a better way but she always had to go down the harder and more painful path.”

“Yeah, and you know why she did that?” Dean asked.

“Why?”

“Because she was a Winchester. She was stubborn and hard-headed but she is a fighter and she always believed in the best in people. And what did you do? You tried to penalize her for it,” Dean said.

“I know, I really fucked up here. I gotta try and find her, Dean. Tell her I was wrong,” Sam said, going to grab keys for one of the vehicles the brothers owned.

“Dude, she doesn’t want to see you,” Dean reminded him of the letter.

“Well, she didn’t leave that long ago. She couldn’t have gotten too far; I have to try,” Sam argued back.

“Want me to go with you?” Dean asked but Sam shook his head.

“I need you to stay here just in case she comes back home,” Sam says before realizing the Bunker wasn’t (Y/N)’s home anymore. “Just stay here.”

Sam grabbed a jacket and his phone before rushing off to the garage and jumping in behind the wheel of a car. Just before he sped away, Dean came out to the garage with a set of keys in his hands.

“Here,” he said, tossing the keys to Sam.

“Baby? You’re letting me take her?” Sam questioned, surprised that his brother trusted him with his most prized possession.

“Yeah, she’s pretty reliable and will get you where you need to go. Plus, (Y/N) loves her. If you do end up catching up with her, the least you can do is show up in a good-looking car,” Dean smirked as Sam threw the other keys back to him. 

Throwing the car into drive, Sam sped out of the garage, desperate to find (Y/N) and hoping he wasn’t too far behind her. He wanted to apologize to her, tell her he still loved her, and was only speaking out of frustration. Of course, he wanted her to stay and keep hunting with him and Dean but he worried about her a lot, and seeing her hurt all the time, wasn’t good for anyone. Maybe he was being selfish but he thought he was doing the right thing for everyone when he really was hurting the one person who meant the most to him. He pushed the gas pedal down as hard as he could, not caring about the speed limits, and looking around to see if her vehicle had stopped anywhere, as his mind kept wandering off to the letter she left for Dean. Why didn’t she leave one for him? Did he hurt her that bad? 

Sam’s POV

Damnit, I shouldn’t have told her to go and now, I can’t find her. What if I do find her and she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore? She easily could tell me to go to hell; I mean I did that already but it would be worse hearing it from her. Would she ever let me explain where I was coming from? If she didn’t, I don’t think I would blame her; I wouldn’t let me explain. I hadn’t realized how long I had been driving for but it was starting to get dark. My speed had decreased drastically as I figured I should pull over and rest for the night. It’d be no good for me driving at night when I was this upset over the whole situation. Maybe this still made me seem selfish but I didn’t want to end up dead before I got to her. Seeing a small bar off the side of the road, I go to pull into the parking lot, searching for (Y/N)’s car just in case she had done the same as me. 

Getting out of the car, I lock Baby up and head inside, anxious to see if (Y/N) was there. Looking around the room, I’m met with a bunch of unfamiliar faces. I walk to the bar and order a shot of whiskey. The liquid burned as it went down my throat and temporarily made me feel better but that feeling went away quickly. Just as I was about to order my next shot, I look over out of the corner of my right eye and see that familiar face; the one who had been driving me insane. 

She was sitting at a booth with some guy who couldn’t keep his hands off of her but she didn’t seem to mind. Was she crazy?! This guy is disgusting! How could she be okay with him touching her? I’m the only one who is allowed to touch her. Wait, no, I can’t think like that; I’m the one who broke up with her. But did she have to be looking at him with those big (y/e/c) eyes? And that perfect smile? She used to look at me like that all the time and now? My last memory of her was the look of pure sadness and somber; like I just kicked a puppy or something. No, I just broke her heart. Alright, I hate myself but I need to do something about it instead of just sitting here and watching her fall all over some random guy. I may regret this later but I figure I should go with it and see what happens.

“Hey baby, there you are. I was starting to worry about you,” I say, pulling a chair over to sit on the opposite side of where her “date” was. She looked over at me with a look of disgust but my jealous side told me I was doing the right thing. 

“Go away, I don’t want to talk to you,” she says, turning back to the other guy, so I did the next best thing I thought to do. I stand up and wrap an arm around her waist, hoisting her over my shoulder. She screamed and started cussing me out, causing everyone to look at us. 

“Just our honeymoon is all, she’s a bit nervous,” I lied, looking at the bartender who just nodded his head and smirked; dirty old man. Walking back out to Baby, (Y/N) hits my back several times, telling me I must’ve lost my mind to be treating her like this and she is going to fucking scream when I finally let her down. 

“(Y/N) please, just let me explain,” I say, finally setting her down but still holding onto her arm.

“Why should I Sam? You made it very clear that we were over and that I was a burden to you; why can’t you just let me go? I just want my heart back because you destroyed it,” She says trying to wiggle free from my grasp.

“I can’t let you go,” I say, letting her out of my hold.

“You just did a few hours ago!” She says, growing frustrated with me.

“I didn’t mean anything I said back then; I’m so sorry,” I try to reason with her but I can tell she’s not buying it. 

“Why even say it then?” She scoffs, rolling her eyes at me. 

“I was talking out of my frustration. I hate seeing get hurt; you’ve almost died more than once. I hate that you’re just as much a Winchester as Dean and I are; just as stubborn. But you’re a damn good hunter and we’ve gotten better at this job because of you. I can’t imagine not having you hunt with us anymore; you’re too damn important to me now. I want you to stay; I need you to stay.”

She was quiet for a minute then spoke up, “you told me I was a burden to you, Sam. Do you know how that made me feel? You made me think you didn’t love me anymore. So when you told me to leave, I couldn’t fathom the words that were coming from your mouth. I sat in my car about a mile outside the Bunker and balled my eyes out. Do you not realize what you mean to me? I love you, Sam, but you just tossed me aside like I was nothing.” 

“That wasn’t my intention, (Y/N)! I-I thought I was protecting you!” I yell.

“Okay you really don’t want to be yelling at me right now when you’re already on thin ice here, Winchester,” she warns and I apologize. 

“I promise, that wasn’t what I meant to do. I thought I was protecting you by telling you, you were a burden on us. I knew that if I asked you not to hunt with us for a while, you’d just argue with me about why that’s not fair, so I figured if I told you that it was becoming too difficult for us to always care for you, that you would sit back yourself. And then it spiraled out of control from there and I kept up with the act that I didn’t care about you because I had to make you believe that you weren’t safe hunting. I never told you I didn’t love you; I can’t believe you thought that. I love you more than I’ve loved anyone else and I know that’s a lot to hear because we’ve only really been dating for a short time but we started off as friends first and I knew from that very first day you came to us for help on a case, that I loved you. And then when you told me you had feelings for me too, I was so happy because finally, here’s this amazing woman who understands the business because she does it herself and I love her. But I talked to Dean and he made me realize I probably made the biggest mistake of my life and I am so, so sorry. I only said everything I did because I cared too damn much about your well-being. And I know, it’s dumb and doesn’t make any sense but it’s the truth. I hope you can forgive me and we can go back to just being us. And I am so sorry you cried; I hate when you’re sad. But if you’ll let me, I want to make it up to you.” 

There was silence was settled between us for an agonizing amount of time before she did something I wasn’t expecting. She quickly closed the space between us and grabbed the back of my head to pull me into a kiss. Instantly, I grab onto her hips, holding her into place, while my lips let her know how much I truly missed her. I was growing tired of leaning over so I lifted her to my level, easily able to intensify the kiss. She held onto the back of my shirt like she was afraid she was dreaming and I would disappear at any minute, but I tried to convince her that I wasn’t going anywhere; I was too far invested in this. I broke the kiss for a minute, looking at the beautiful girl in my arms. 

“I have an idea,” I said, setting her down and unlocking the car. She watches me closely as I unlock the door she was standing closest to and open the door to her. 

“Get in,” I say. She does but doesn't understand what I was implying until I grabbed the bottom hemline of my shirt and lifted it over my head. When she realized what my idea was, she followed my lead, lifting her shirt over her head and threw it on the floor of the car. I duck down and make my way inside to the back seat, hovering over her as she lays across the seat. She looked up at me, never breaking eye contact until I kissed her again. My hands traveled down her body, and she reacted to my touch, back arching into me. She pulled away to remove her bra before attaching her lips to mine again. As more and more articles of clothing were being removed, she broke the silence for a minute.

“You know, Dean is going to kill us when he finds out we had sex back here.” 

I laugh, knowing she was telling the truth and thinking what my brother’s reaction was going to be.

“Well, he doesn’t have to know; we’ll get her cleaned before we go back to the Bunker,” I say, trying not to make a big deal out of what we had planned. 

“Oh, I don’t know, plus, how many times has he had sex back here?” She asked and I paused to think about it.

“You know, you’re probably right. I’m sure it’s been numerous times! Wanna just go check into that motel over there?” I suggest, throwing my head to the side to motion to the motel. 

“I mean, that’s tempting but equally as disgusting. You know how questionable those rooms are! If we’re going to have sex, I want it to be special!” She kept her stance on the topic. 

I sigh but realize she was right. I didn’t want to just sleep with her in the backseat of a car or at a dingy motel. As much as I was really wanting to go through with this, I figured we would have a much better time back at the Bunker. 

“Alright, how about we just make out like some crazy teenagers for now and save the rest for later,” I suggested, wiggling my eyebrows at her. She laughs for a moment before reaching down to pick her bra back up but I stopped her.

“Why don’t you just leave that off for now,” I say, eyes trailing down to ger exposed chest before a devilish grin made its way across my face. Her cheeks redden but she throws the bra back and brings me back for another kiss, my hands traveling their way over each breast, savoring the way her skin felt against mine. I missed this feeling; having her with me and exploring every part of each other. And not just for a day or just to ‘scratch an itch,’ but because we loved one another and I needed her to know just how vital she was to my life. Without her, I cannot go on; I know this from experience so I knew I needed to do whatever it took to make her realize that I loved her. 

And after a while and we began our journey home, my hand in hers as she sang along to the cassette tapes Dean had, I knew I finally found the happiness that I thought I couldn’t find because of the life I chose to lead and a life I prayed would never change. It may have been selfish to desire a happiness such as this but I also know I struggled to find peace so now that I have it, it’s like a precious artifact that I will fight to protect at all costs, no matter the risk to my own life, because that I what you do when you love someone. 

Taglist: @tloveswriting @calaofnoldor @thinkinghardhardlythinking @440mxs-wife @angeredcrow @baby1967impala @suckmysupernatural @slutforfics @sam-winchester-admiration-league @awesomesusiebstuff @hobby27 @spnjediavenger @polina-93 @simpleb00x​

[nelllraiser]

those magic changes | eddie & nell

TIMING: before nell was yoinked into the hellscape. LOCATION: gallows grove. PARTIES:  @specterchasing & @nelllraiser. SUMMARY: eddie and nell have some much needed post-highschool catching up while a spawn tries to catch them up. CONTAINS: sucidal ideation (eddie’s general disregard for his life).

The Bend, also known as the bad part of town, also known as Eddie’s favorite part of town, looked particularly derelict the day he and Nell decided to meet up. The sun hung low overhead, threatening to swap places with the moon at any moment. Meanwhile, within the depths of the sewers, an especially hungry vampire awaited the transition with rapidly diminishing patience. His sire botched his shot at immortality, making him a mindless spawn but, what he lacked in brains, he made up for in brutality.

Eddie parked outside a stretch of abandoned homes only a few blocks away from the spawn’s location. He took a sweeping glance at his surroundings, but there was no one in sight. His hand slipped into his back pocket and retrieved his phone before texting Nell in search of an update.

[Text to Nellspawn]: It’s 7:46 and we agreed on meeting at 7:45.

[Text to Nellspawn]: If you hate me, say it to my face, coward. ):

Nell crept up to Eddie’s car like a cat, making not a single sound as she ducked below the side of it- for once grateful that she was shorter than was ideal. Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she smirked as she read the illuminated words on the screen. In the blink of an eye she was jumping from her hiding spot into Eddie’s window, slamming the screen of her phone against the driver’s side window of Eddie’s car as she yelled out. “I got your text!” Hopefully he’d at least jump a little. Or maybe she’d be so lucky as to get a small little scream that she could mock him for. 

Out of nowhere, Nell popped into Eddie’s peripheral vision and his heart leapt into his throat. He jumped in his seat, clutching his chest with wide eyes. “Holy fucking shit,” he breathed. As he gradually calmed down, his expression of terror turned into one of utter disdain. Eddie rolled down the window, glaring up at Nell. “Hey, could you do me a favor and stand in front of my car for a second?” he asked. “I promise I’ll make it quick.”

Nell practically cackled as she watched the fear very possibly shave a few years off Eddie’s life, sticking her tongue out at him through the window. “Surprise! I could tell you’re really happy to see me. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone look like that since the time I saw a toddler witnessing their first boggart going in on the peanut butter aisle of the grocery store.” Just in case he didn’t pick up on what she was insinuating, she made sure to rub it in. “Get it? I’m comparing you to a toddler. A small child.” Rolling her eyes she took a step back from the car door, giving him room should he choose to open it. “As if your car would stand a chance against me. I’m made of steel.” For a moment she flexed her arms in the classic pose, though you couldn’t begin to see anything past the looser sleeves of her jacket. There was simply something about seeing Eddie that made her feel as if she were as careless as the day she’d left White Crest. As if all the terrible things since then hadn’t come to pass. He was clean- a slate that wasn’t marred by being present for any of the atrocities of the past year or so.

Eddie willed himself to continue glaring at her, but the truth was that it felt good to hear her laugh again. Like most, Eddie viewed high school as hell on earth, but drama class with Nell gave him a sliver of hope to hold onto each day. “You’re three feet tall, you don’t get to call me a toddler.” Eddie rolled the window up and stepped out of the car. “It might take a few tries, but you know what they say about wills and ways,” he said, finally giving in to the urge to grin. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw her—graduation, maybe. Those years were more blurs than memories at this point. “Fuck it,” he said before taking a step closer and pulling her into a hug.

“I am not!” Nell stomped petulantly against the ground, not entirely helping her case. “I’m just saying if the toddler stroller fits you- who am I to argue?” Nevertheless her own grin was still bright on her lips, feeling lighter by the second the faster she and Eddie fell into old ways. It’d been..shit- it’d been almost six years, but it felt all too easy to pick up where they’d left off. “Yeah- they say Penelope Vural has the strongest will and the best ways, and no car’s ever gonna stop her.” Her laugh was lighter, less sharp as he stepped forward for a hug, and she embraced him back without hesitation. “I can’t believe you’ve gone soft on me, Carridine,” she teased before her gaze flickered over his shoulder to the nearby cemetery. “So you’re still stupidly bent on getting yourself snacked on in there?” One of the things that she and Eddie unfortunately had in common was that they were nearly impossible to sway once they’d made up their minds to do something idiotic. And she wasn’t keen to watch while White Crest swallowed up the friend she’d only just reunited with.

She hadn’t changed, not from what he’d seen so far. It felt like stepping out of a time machine and reliving a period in his life when the most pressing issues he faced revolved around timed tests and peer pressure. “It’s your fault for leaving me, Vural,” Eddie replied, giving her a tight squeeze before stepping back and shoving his hands into his jacket’s pockets. “It’s not stupid if you film it, then it’s art,” he said as he backed up a few steps closer to the rear door of his car. He turned on his heels and pulled the hand before ducking in to grab his filming equipment. “Besides, we might not even run into anything worthwhile,” he said with a shrug as he pulled the bag’s strap onto his shoulder.

The physical scars Nell had gained since seeing Eddie were tucked away under layers of clothing, always prone to the cold. Thankfully it seemed the scars on her soul had seen fit to fade into the background for the moment being as well, leaving her to freely bask in the warmth of Eddie’s company. “Don’t tell me you’re thinking about going to cry in a Subway again,” she joked dryly, folding her arms over her chest. “I’m pretty sure that makes it more stupid, actually.” If this had been six years ago she most likely would have been all for diving headlong into a cemetery, and she’d still do that if it was only her going in. But there was another life at stake here as well, and it wasn’t one she was willing to risk. “Yeah- we’ll see.” She was too jaded at this point to feel optimistic about not running into something lurking in the cemetery, already knowing vampires loved to lurk in their shadows. She’d brought a stake just in case, more than ready for if things went south.

“Don’t knock it ‘till you try it,” Eddie advised in response to her comment about shedding tears in sandwich shops. His hand raised and mimicked a flapping jaw at her next comment. Whether or not his plans were stupid, it wouldn’t stop him. His already poor decision-making continued to deteriorate with each passing day. He told Bex he would be careful but, as much as he didn’t want to disappoint her, he didn’t know the first thing about showing caution. And, frankly, he showed no interest in learning. Eddie’s outlook on life made being alive out to be more of a chore than a priceless gift. 

“You wanna do an intro for the channel?” he asked, digging out his camera. “Or did you somehow become the type of person who values anonymity?” Eddie’s brow raised at Nell as he walked passed her en route to the cemetery. 

“No- I don’t think I’ll be trying it, thanks. I would, but it makes it a little hard since I have something called dignity. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t expect you to be familiar with the concept. I will keep knocking it, though,” Nell teased, that same playful glint still making a home in her eyes. “Wow!” The word was stretched out as long as she could make it last, offense plain to see in the way her eyebrows had raised towards her hairline. “I can’t believe you just admitted you don’t watch any of the TikToks I make for the newspaper. You think I’d be doing that if I valued anonymity?” She still wasn’t sure how she’d managed to land the job, reveling in the pay and benefits for the minimal amount of work she did.

“You’d be lucky to have me in your intro!” In another moment she was parroting the old intro she’d seen on his channel the times she’d tuned in, letting the words fall none too sweetly as she poked fun at him. She was pretty sure the camera wasn’t even out yet- but that didn’t have her hesitating.

“Dignity,” Eddie mused, sounding as if he were trying to dredge up the definition from deep within his memory banks. “You’re right, I’m drawing a blank. Is dignity the reason you got drunk at Hayden Dane’s house party and asked everyone for soap to appease the bathroom demon? Yeah, I don’t think I have that.” He shrugged all the way up to his ears. It didn’t occur to him that a demon actually did take up roost in Hayden’s bathroom, explaining why his house burned down two days later. Eddie knew a lot about ghosts and decidedly less about infernal imps.  

“There’s a pretty big difference between newspaper TikToks and showing your face on a YouTube channel exposing White Crest’s supernatural underbelly,” he replied with a glance. “Most people don’t want to be associated with it. I actually watch your content all the time. It’s… kind of how I learned you were back in town and had been for a while.” A year of radio silence. No point acting like it didn’t sting a little.

At the sound of Nell repeating his old intro back at him, Eddie clutched his chest in despair. “No,” he whined, turning to face her again. “Let it stay dead, Nell. I’m not that person anymore.” The camera in his hand raised in her direction. “Here’s your chance at YouTube fame. If you embarrass me, I’ll get your house haunted.”

Nell rolled her eyes fondly at the memory of the little Bannik that she’d found in Hayden’s bathroom, having been utterly thrilled to stumble across a demon in her drunken state. It had been in the midst of her beginning to acquaint herself with the demon species and portals— so of course she’d been all too eager to find some soap for the little creature. “You’re lucky I was there to appease the bathroom demon. You all would have been long gone if it wasn’t for my quick thinking.” Were Banniks actually all that dangerous? Absolutely not. But Eddie didn’t need to know that. 

“Mhm- White Crest’s supernatural underbelly,” she repeated dryly, still not all that pleased that Eddie had made it his life’s mission to single handedly crack open supernatural secrecy. “You know that’s a great way to get people killed, right? What you’re doing with your videos and stuff?” 

Stepping through the threshold of the cemetery, Nell’s mouth was already propped open to give her next quip of a reply when a chill ran down her spine. Whether it was the product of being attacked from the shadows one too many times, or an actual premonition- she was suddenly quiet. She began to scan the tombstones with a sharp eye, as if something might be lurking behind them. Then...a low snarling sound, and Nell realized she’d been right to have come as Eddie’s personal bodyguard. “Shut up,” she hissed, already trying to pinpoint where the sound was coming from, a hand slipping one of her hidden stakes from its hiding place.

Eddie eyed Nell skeptically. “Uh-huh,” he uttered. The likelihood of Nell being right about the soap-loving fiend was actually pretty high, but Eddie didn’t care to admit that. He much preferred giving her a hard time, and the feeling seemed mutual enough to dissuade any guilt.

“You know what else is a great way to get people killed? Keeping them ignorant,” Eddie retaliated without missing a beat. “So long as I try to avoid outing individuals, I’m pretty sure I’m in the clear.” This was an argument he knew well, the beginning of it anyway. People didn’t usually bother trying to correct him once they knew how firmly he stood his ground. They saw him as a lost cause, he saw them as uninformed.

Nell seemed on-edge, which Eddie didn’t understand. As much time as he spent in graveyards, he never developed a sixth sense for danger. Mostly, out of lack of interest. “Yeah, that’s a great intro,” he deadpanned. The sight of a stake made him lower his camera. “What are you doing? Now’s not the time to showcase your Buffy cosplay.” He didn’t hear the growl over his own voice.

Nell had never backed down from a fight, argument, or otherwise in her entire life, her stubbornness and determination matching Eddie’s in a way that hadn’t been fully explored quite yet. After all, they’d agreed on most things in highschool, but as was often the case with the supernatural— things got far more complicated when it entered the picture, and relationships were no exception. So she was more than ready to fire back a retort before another growl pierced the night air, and she shushed Eddie once again. “I said shu-” But her words didn’t meet and end as the spawn finally leapt from the shadows taking advantage of her momentary distraction to begin its attack.

Rolling in a smooth and practiced maneuver, Nell clutched the stake like a lifeline in her hand staying low to the ground as she readied her magic should she need it. “Don’t move,” she gave Eddie another command as she tried to draw a large circle around the spawn with her footsteps. But the thing had taken one look at the stake in her hand and decided to go for the easier target. In the blink of an eye, the spawn had shifted course, turning towards Eddie with bloodlust in its eyes. 

Eddie let out a startled laugh at the sight of the vampire, his usual reaction to imminent danger. He instinctively raised the camera as Nell momentarily outsmarted the beast. Asking her where she learned a maneuver like that would have to wait.

“Gonna have to deliberately disobey that order,” Eddie said once the spawn locked onto him. A familiar surge of adrenaline flooded his system and Eddie jouked to the right, an outstretched hand commanding a small cross to fly from a nearby grave into his grip. He was lacking in the faith department, but desperate times called for desperate measures. “Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off,” he chanted as he waved it in the spawn’s direction.

The raising of his camera wasn’t lost on Nell, and she shook her head in disbelief as the spawn tore after Eddie. Really? Even now Eddie was trying to get a shot? “You can’t upload a video if you die, dumbass!” Nell yelled, already hot on the spawn’s trail while it flew after Eddie like a bat out of hell. Which...wasn’t actually all that terrible a description of the lesser vampire when Nell thought about it. At least her friend had enough sense to arm himself with some religious memorabilia, though the spawn had yet to spot it while being far too intent on having its next meal.

The creature was faster than Nell could have ever been without a hunter gene or otherwise, but thankfully she had her own tricks up her sleeve. Casting one of her oft-used spells when it came to fighting, her speed was instantly buffed, and she became a blur even quicker than the spawn. The burst was enough to get her on top of the spawn and send herself barreling into the side of it, trying to find purchase with her stake. She was by no means all that large of a projectile standing at only 5’2 and having a slight build, but the momentum she’d gathered was enough to shoot the spawn off its path. The spawn was quick to recover, snapping at the hand that held her wooden point and clamping its jaws down on her wrist. With a curse falling from her lips, the weapon was forced out of her hand. 

“What the fuck?” Eddie exclaimed when a Nell-sized blur collided with the vampire. Questions piled up, giving him a reason to outlast the encounter. The spawn recalibrated with deadly quickness, and blood subsequently flowed from Nell’s wrist. As much as Eddie liked to pretend situations like this fit his laissez faire narrative, he couldn’t stand idly by while someone he cared about bled for his mistakes.

His camera hit the ground while his feet carried him to Nell’s side. With little regard for his own wellbeing, Eddie pressed the cross to the side of the spawn’s head. It sizzled against the wrinkled skin, sending the creature reeling backwards with a shriek.

“You dropped this,” Eddie said breathlessly as he floated the stake to Nell’s uninjured hand, hoping she would take hold of it. He stayed next to her, holding out the cross to hopefully keep the beast at bay long enough for Nell to plan out her next move. But it looked hungry and Eddie couldn’t imagine it had much patience.

Nell grimaced while she did her best to ignore the injured wrist, giving Eddie a grateful nod as she caught the stake he’d floated in her direction. She couldn’t deny that she was enthralled by the encounter with the spawn, and she would have been enjoying herself even more if Eddie hadn’t been involved in the crossfire. Not for the first time, she felt like she was back in the Ring, fighting for her life and the winnings of those who’d bet on her. She couldn’t deny that she missed the rush of battling for her life, and the roar of the crowd. 

The cross move had been smart on Eddie’s part, and Nell supposed she should at least count herself lucky that he knew enough to know what had the ability to ward off vampires. “Just go-” she began to say, unwilling to risk Eddie’s life any further. She didn’t wait to see if he’d obeyed, once again rushing forward with a speed she shouldn’t have possessed. The stake in her good hand plunged forwards through the spawn’s chest, but her efforts were fruitless beyond making the creature even angrier. At the last second it’d darted to the side, shifting just enough for the point to miss its heart.

With a growl of frustration, Nell decided she was done with trying to hit a moving target. She kicked a leg into the air to hook it behind the thing’s head, using her momentum to swing herself up by the crook of her knee until she’d sat herself on the spawn’s shoulders, hands placed on either side of its head. “Just gotta bring the inside out,” she reminded herself as she gripped her magic tight. She could feel it’s sludge-like blood responding to her will as it’s head began to fill with more than it could hold. Pulling her hands from the creature’s head, she tugged on the blood she’d pooled, bursting the spawn’s head in an explosion of brains and viscera. With the remains of the spawn painting her front, she slipped from it’s twitching body, catching her breath while she looked to see where Eddie might have gone. 

Nell told him to go, but Eddie couldn’t look away, let alone move. She climbed the vampire with precision and put a bloody end to it. He went momentarily slack-jawed. “What the fuck?” he breathed, sounding like a broken record. Eddie trudged towards Nell, remembering a final obstacle stood between him and the answers he wanted so badly. He placed the cross in his back pocket, making a mental note to return it to its rightful grave before they left, and reached out for her injured wrist.

“Can I take a look at it?” he asked timidly, wanting to make up for the harm he caused her. “Or do you have some kind of spell for that, too?” He eyed her curiously, fine with either answer. If she had a handle on her blood loss, he would need to figure out a new way to make tonight up to her, but he could work with that. “I think the best I can do is a band-aid, anyway.” He offered her an apologetic shrug.

Nell fixed Eddie with a disapproving look the moment she realized he hadn’t actually moved an inch since she’d told him to leave. “You know- usually the best way not to get killed is to listen to me.” Mindlessly, she let him take her wrist, not entirely having expected him to ask for it, but offering it nonetheless. Her head tilted in amusement as he mentioned spells, realizing he’d already pegged what was going on. “You mean you’re not buying the whole- I just got really buff after highschool or something like that?” To be fair she had gained more muscle, but it was of a leaner make than anything a bodybuilder might have. 

“Well- it’s not really...a spell but-” As he eyed her wrist she willed the blood to clot where the skin had been broken, once again flexing her bloodkinesis as the wound scabbed over. “I can just do that for the most part. I never really learned a lot of healing.” She gave him a smile anyway, coming down from the high of the kill slowly but surely. “You can still put a band-aid on it though, if you want,” she teased, though thankful for his concern.

“Yeah, but where’s the fun in that?” Eddie replied flippantly. For Nell’s sake, he kept his indifference towards death light-hearted. Whichever way the wind blew, Eddie didn’t mind much. Either he lived another day, or he didn’t. In his opinion, both options seemed eerily similar. “We can play pretend, if you want, but I’d rather pick your brain about magic.” He knew another spellcaster, Bex, but she didn’t seem as advanced as Nell. “God, how did it take me this long to figure it out?”

Nell healed herself, in a sense, and Eddie’s eyes widened with delight. “So cool,” he said, catching her gaze again. “You don’t have to coddle me. I get it, you’re all tough and scary now. Way beyond band-aids.” As he spoke, he meandered back to the grave he’d stolen from and returned the cross with a quiet apology. Ghost or not, they deserved more respect than he’d given them. 

Returning to Nell, Eddie knew better than to think they’d walk back to his car without a good lecture. “I’m fully prepared to be scolded now, by the way. Hit me with your best shot.”

Eddie might have thought his jokes about dying were landing decently, but Nell’s face didn’t so much as twitch into a smile as he spoke the words. After the last year...after the last six years she knew that death wasn’t a joke. She supposed it made sense that Eddie would have a skewed vision of it as a medium, but that didn’t mean she had to encourage him. Maybe he’d feel differently if he’d watched someone he loved die, woken up covered in her blood with her headless body lying next to him on the ground. Shaking her head to dispel the dark memory, she simply sent him another stern glare. “No fun in dying, really.” She wasn’t going to entertain his frivolity when it came to his life. But magic was easier to talk about, and something that wasn’t tainted by her trauma. Her voice grew lighter again, curious to know what he himself was curious about. “Sure- what do you wanna know? Or how much do you know already? It probably just took you so long cause you couldn’t see around your giant hair,” she teased, leaning on an old laugh. 

Another little smile crossed her face while she watched his reaction to the magic, always thinking it endearing the reactions of those who were less acquainted with it. “Actually I’ve always been scary and tough, thank you very much,” she joked with a wrinkle of her nose— even though she’d gotten in more than her fair share of fights in highschool. 

Picking up his busted camera from the ground, Nell thumbed some dirt from it’s lens before taking a closer look, trying to figure out if a simple repair spell might have it back in working condition. He’d asked for a lecure, and she was left wondering when she’d become the kind of person who doled them out. “This isn’t a game, Eddie,” she began seriously. She should have known the levity of the start of the evening wouldn’t last. Not in a place like White Crest. “You can’t just waltz into supernatural infested areas without protection. And you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.”

Nell didn’t laugh, but that was nothing new. Eddie understood that most people took death more seriously than he did, and he knew they had their reasons. On the other hand, their solemnity didn’t invalidate his indifference. He preferred not caring, it made life easier. The subject-change suited him just fine, however. “The conditioner I use doesn’t help either, eats at the brain cells, y’know,” he said, going along with her joke. “I’ll be honest, I don’t know much. Magic’s fascinating, but I’ve always been satisfied with the whole telekinesis thing, so I didn’t do much digging. So, feel free to talk to me like I’m an idiot, not that you need my encouragement,” he teased.

“Taking on a vampire is a little different than maiming Cindy S,” he playfully corrected her. Eddie knew Nell had never been a push-over, but this was groundbreaking as far as he was concerned.

As expected, she provided words of warning. He nodded along absently, his eyes fixed on the camera in her hands. If he kept up at this rate, he wouldn’t be filming for much longer, anyway. Lack of equipment meant lack of content. “And, why is that?” he asked curiously when she finished bending his ear. He figured he knew the reason, or at least the jist, but he wanted to give Nell the benefit of the doubt. Maybe, her reasoning wouldn’t be as boring as everyone else’s.

“We both know that’s a lie because you don’t have any brain cells to eat,” Nell commented dryly, wishing they could have stayed in the sun of their earlier conversation, the lightness of it having been reminiscent of simpler days. But these weren’t simpler days anymore, and apparently the spawn and whatever bullshit this town would toss out next hadn’t wanted her to forget that for more than the half an hour it’d taken for her and Eddie to get here and get into the cemetery. “You know telekinesis is basically just another form of magic,” Nell supplied, remembering saying something similar to Blanche. An ache of longing shot through her as she thought of her best friend, wishing they could be physically closer, but knowing that Whtie Crest had essentially sapped the flush from her friend’s cheeks, and the joy that was meant to color them. “It’s cool you can work with it though since not all mediums can.” She assumed he knew as much. “But magic…it’s built on a few core things...intention, will, focus…” She didn’t know if this was the best place for the conversation the more she looked around. For all they knew there could be another spawn lurking, or a fully fledged higher vampire who was thirsty. “We should talk about this somewhere else, though.” 

“Cindy S fucking deserved it,” Nell joked in reply, honestly having half forgotten the way she’d broken the snotty girl’s nose while in highschool until Eddie brought it up. “And she was already halfway to being a bloodsucker with the way she acted.” 

Nell’s annoyance grew as he seemed more preoccupied with the camera than herself. “You’re not even pretending to listen,” she accused, the displeasure plain in her voice. “Because you’re either gonna end up dead or have someone else end up dead or get hurt.” She waved her wrist as a reminder, not above using it in a moment like this. “And maybe you don’t mind being a ghost, but it’s not fucking fun for the people who care about you.”

Hearing Nell refer to something he possessed an innate knack for as ‘magic’ brought a grin to Eddie’s face, a grin that grew larger when she called attention to how rare of a gift it was. Telekinesis wore him out more often than not. Even now, he felt the dull throb of an oncoming headache making itself known. But, despite the pain and exhaustion, Nell’s opinion made him feel proud. “Yeah, it can be a little tricky,” he admitted, thinking back to Willow propelling him across her living room. “Right, right, totally. Time and place, I gotcha.” Eddie wouldn’t have minded loitering in the cemetery until daybreak, but Nell was the one recovering from a vampire bite.

“Yeah, well, all busting her face accomplished was convincing her parents to let her get a nose-job.” Eddie pursed his lips at the resurgence of long-ignored memories. Present day left a lot to be desired, but nothing could convince him to relive high school. 

Eddie opened his mouth to assure Nell he usually went on these adventures alone, but her next comment caused him to immediately slam his jaw shut. His brows knitted together as he considered her. He wanted to argue, to insist that no one cared about him enough for it to matter. He would’ve used her as an example, calling attention to how long it took her to reach out to him. If people cared so much, they would act like it, and he wouldn’t feel so alone. But, admitting to feeling that way would’ve made him sound pathetic.

“I’m not gonna die, don’t be so dramatic,” he said, turning away to start walking towards his car. “I’ll try to be more careful.” Eddie hoped she wouldn’t call his bluff. “Do you need a ride?” he asked over his shoulder, eager to change the subject.

“A new nose job, and the satisfaction of leaving me and my friend alone,” Nell jokingly corrected. Cindy had been one of the ones to make fun of Blanche and the way she seemingly spoke to herself at times when addressing a ghost. She wasn’t necessarily proud of the temper she’d had in highschool, and referring to it as past tense was most likely generous— but she liked to think she’d improved from the even more violent youth she’d been. Besides, she’d break someone’s nose for Blanche any day. 

“You don’t know that,” Nell rebutted instantly, still annoyed at how lightly Eddie seemed to be taking everything. “You know White Crest loves to eat people up and spit them out.” How many people had gone missing or been killed in their highschool class alone? Too fucking many. Perhaps she was leaning a little too hard on her personal feelings when it came to the matter, tired of watching people she cared about die, but if it made Eddie live another day she wasn’t opposed to tough love. “There’s a thousand and one things out there that could kill you, and you’re throwing yourself at all of them. I’m not being dramatic.”

After years of separation, Nell couldn’t tell if his words of being more careful were sincere or something he’d said to placate her, but she figured this was another conversation they shouldn’t have in the middle of the cemetery with beasts potentially lurking in the shadows. “I’m not done with you,” she clarified, not wanting him to think he’d gotten out of this. “But I’ve got my bike that I need to take home. Thanks for the offer, though.”

White Crest’s history didn’t bother Eddie. He coped with his surroundings by romanticizing how capricious the town was rather than fighting against the inevitable. When people questioned him, he often wondered what made them so certain they knew how he should live his life better than he did. Whatever it was had yet to be explained to him in understandable terms. He didn’t want to argue with Nell anymore.

“I said I’ll try to be more careful,” he reiterated.

Eddie stopped when Nell politely turned down his offer and turned to face her. It only felt right to pay proper attention to their goodbye. “Don’t mention it,” he deflected. “It was good seeing you again, Nell. Fingers crossed, next time will be a little cozier.”