#also sets up the feeling of virgil already feeling isolated since all his friends are away or way too busy to hang out

[crypt1dcorv1dae]

Ok. All caught up on shadows of dakota now and Jesus. Fuck. God. It's so good it's so so so good

[eliemo]

Love Our Way

Summary: Virgil knew he should have said something right there. But he didn’t, because he knew that would be the end.

Notes: Ace Virgil fic with romantic LAMP

TWs: Mentions of sex but no details. A little bit of internalized acephobia but barely, Virgil just has negative self esteem.

They’d been together a few months now and it had been, without a doubt, the best few months of Virgil’s life. 

It’d been a bit nerve wracking in the beginning, those first couple of weeks, as excited and thrilled as he was, Virgil had been extra paranoid about doing something wrong, about giving them any reason to lose feelings for him. 

He honestly hadn’t thought it could work at first. Relationships rarely worked out with two people, let alone four. Eventually they would fight, or lose feelings, or decide it was all too complicated. And things would get awkward and they could all end up hating each other and who knew what it would do to Thomas if they could no longer stand to be in the same room—

But they didn’t. By some miracle, that never happened.

Things were...things were perfect, as scared as Virgil had been to use the word. They’d been amazing ever since the anxious side was allowed to join their family, the love and warmth a wonderful kind of overwhelming he’d never felt before, but actually dating the people he loved more than anything, no longer needing to be afraid to express his feelings…

It was more than he’d ever thought he would get. More than he ever thought could be possible. Sometimes he still couldn’t believe it was real. 

They fit together like puzzle pieces, making each other stronger, pushing each other to be better, gentle and encouraging, coexisting in peaceful harmony. 

Virgil had never felt so welcomed, so surrounded by unconditional support and affection. They showed him just how much he had to offer. For the first time he’d actually felt like he wasn’t just a burden. 

It was hard, especially when it took a while to convince himself that he wasn’t invited into the relationship out of convenience, but because they actually wanted him. 

But they loved him. He knew that now. They all loved each other, flaws and all. 

And, well...Virgil should have known it wouldn't last forever. 

Not for him. Because...because that was just the way things were, wasn’t it? He’d made progress, he wasn’t the bad guy anymore, but he was still Anxiety. Things were just destined to go wrong. 

He really hadn’t given a single thought. It never crossed his mind as something that could ever be a problem, even when they had initially gotten together. No one else seemed intent on bringing it up, so Virgil had figured they never would. 

But then it had. Logan had brought the topic up about a week ago, somewhat awkward but still painfully casual, the conversation simply to discuss everyone’s level of comfort when it came to intimacy. 

Which...yeah, Virgil guessed it made sense. They were dating, the four of them happy and comfortable with their relationship, and had been for months now. So obviously sex was going to get brought up eventually. Boundaries needed to be set before...anything actually happened. It was routine for a healthy relationship. 

Except Virgil hadn’t actually thought they would ever talk about it. Because he’d known for a long time that he was asexual and he’d just...kind of assumed the others were too.

Which in retrospect, was a stupid conclusion to jump to. 

Virgil had known for years now, long before befriending the others. It had taken him a while to be sure, lots of research and panic and overthinking, but he’d eventually grown comfortable with the label. It was just another part of who he was. 

But he’d also never really understood why. Thomas wasn’t asexual so it didn’t make any sense for Virgil to have a separate identity. 

Unless it was just something all the sides experienced, none of them able to feel that kind of attraction.

But he’d never actually gotten around to asking. No one brought it up, and before the...development in their relationship it never seemed like something that would be an issue. So he’d just assumed, and ran with it. 

But clearly that wasn’t the case. Not when Roman and Patton were responding to Logan’s question with varying levels of eagerness and approval, comfortable and willing to take the next step when they were all ready.  

And Virgil knew he should have said something right there. They had given him the perfect opportunity to come out, quick and easy, and avoid anything uncomfortable in the future. 

But he didn’t. Because...because that would be the end, wouldn’t it? 

They would be sweet about it, of course. Thank him for being honest. But if he was the only one who didn’t want that...well, what was the point of him being a part of things? 

It was a cruel thing to assume, he knew that. None of them were shallow enough to see sex as something necessary, and he knew they would never force him into anything. 

But...but he already offered so little. They already had to jump through so many hoops to accommodate his anxiety, and it wasn’t like he was particularly loving or good at romance, as hard as he tried. As loving and amazing as they were, this could simply be the final straw. 

He wanted to be with them. He wanted them in every other way. He loved them more than anything. But he wouldn’t fight it when they ended up distancing themselves from him. 

Virgil just wasn’t ready for that heartbreak yet. So he plastered on a fake smile, and nodded along with the others.

 He’d tell them tomorrow. The longer he waited, the worse it would be. 

_

“Movie night!” Patton declared, skipping into the living room where Virgil was scrolling aimlessly on his phone. “And don’t think you’re getting out of it this time, Virge!”

Virgil tried to ignore the way his stomach twisted at the phrasing, swallowing against rising panic and sending Patton a smile. It was just movie night, same as every Friday. 

It had been two weeks now, and he still hadn’t told them. He’d managed to avoid last week’s movie night with the excuse of an upset stomach, desperately trying not to think about what they could be doing without him. 

And now...now he’d have to tell. They’d already be upset he waited this long, he couldn’t put it off any longer. 

Besides, they’d all be in the same bed all night, as they often were, relaxed and happy and enjoying each other’s company. They wouldn’t ever force him into something he wasn’t comfortable with, even if they wanted nothing to do with him after he came out. 

He’d lied, after all. He should have told them right away. 

“I'll be right there,” he said, forcing a smile as Patton made his way upstairs to his bedroom where the others were likely waiting. “Just...give me a second.” 

This was it, then. Hopefully afterwards, it wouldn’t be too awkward. Hopefully they would still be willing to keep him around as a friend. 

They were all waiting for him by the time he made it to Roman’s room, the three of them sprawled out on the bed in a pile of laughs and smiles, and Virgil’s heart felt like it was trying to break through his chest. 

He loved them so much. He wanted nothing more than to forget all of this and be held in their arms, content and warm until the sun came up. 

But putting it off wasn’t fair to them. And it wasn’t fair to him either. 

“Virgil!” Roman exclaimed, and Virgil felt lightheaded at the fond, excited looks he was being given. “Come help us choose a movie!” 

He almost chickened out again, just for a second. But he couldn’t panic. Not until it was out in the open and he could deal with the consequences. 

After tonight, he could very well end up alone again. Isolated like a villain. 

Why did he have to keep turning out to be different? Why was he always meant to end up alone? 

“In a second,” he said, stopping just inside the doorway. “I...I need to say something first, if that’s ok.”

Their smiles dropped slightly, but their gentle, welcoming expressions never wavered. The three of them sat up in bed, scooting forward as Patton nodded. 

“Of course, honey,” he said. “What’s on your mind?” 

He was actually doing this. He just...had to figure out how to start. 

Virgil took a breath and stuffed his hands in his pockets to hide how they’d begun to shake. “Just to- just to get it out there to make it easier for you guys...I- I get it if you want to break up with me after this.”  

That got their attention, their heads snapping up with wide, wary eyes. Virgil couldn’t quite bring himself to look at them anymore. 

“I’m just saying,” he muttered, and god he was shaking so bad. “I’ll understand.” 

The silence only stretched on another few seconds before Logan cleared his throat. “We’re listening, Virgil.” 

Ok. Ok he could do this. He...really should have planned out what he was going to say first. 

“I should have told you right away,” he started. “I know I should have. It’s not fair to you guys and I’m...I’m really sorry that I didn’t. I wasn’t trying to...to lie or- or lead you on or anything, I just...love you guys. A lot. I’ve loved being with you and I wasn’t ready to...you know...ruin that.” 

“Virge? What...what did you do, darling?” 

It was passed off as a joke, the Prince forcing a small smile, but there was serious concern behind it. 

Virgil quickly shook his head. “It’s not...I didn’t realize that it would be, you know, an issue. But you guys want...you want someone who’s not...me. Because- because I’m…” 

Say it, just say it. 

“I’m asexual. And you guys...I shouldn’t have kept that from you. I’m sorry. I’m just...sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” 

And that was...it. That was it. They knew now. 

They knew, and they could react how they wanted. If they were angry, Virgil wouldn’t blame him. If they were disgusted and demanded he leave...Virgil wouldn’t fight it, no matter how badly it hurt. 

He knew them better than to truly assume that would be the case, but the thought was still there. 

Furious or not, there was no way they’d trust him enough to keep him in the relationship. 

But he had to hold it together until the end of the conversation. He’d escape as soon as they let him, and then...and then he’d readjust to being alone. 

Unfortunately, none of them seemed particularly inclined to answer, the silence stretching on a moment too long. He risked a glance up from the floor, hunching his shoulders when he caught Logan’s eye. 

“Virgil,” the logical side said. “Come sit down, please.”

He quickly shook his head, taking a step back. He didn’t need a long, drawn out ending to this. He wouldn’t be able to hold it together that long. 

“You...you guys don’t have to--” 

“Virgil,” Patton cut him off, scooting aside to make room. “Come over here and talk to us.” 

And he’d never be able to deny Patton anything, would he? Not when he sounded so desperate. 

Virgil moved forward on shaky legs, focusing solely on his breathing to keep himself from crying, ending up seated in between Patton and Logan, Roman pressed up against the moral side. 

“This doesn’t need to be a conversation,” he said, just wanting to get out. “I...I said I would understand.” 

Virgil jumped when there was a hand against his cheek, Logan suddenly cupping his jaw and turning his head until they were face to face, the logical side’s eyes piercing behind his glasses. 

“Virgil,” Logan started, sounding almost breathless. “How...on earth could you think this would end in a break up?” 

Virgil blinked, wondering if this was some kind of trick question. “What? I don’t--” 

“Darling,” Roman said, and the Prince was suddenly scooting over to sit in front of Virgil, the three of them surrounding him. “You thought we would leave if you came out as Ace?” 

Virgil shook his head because no, that...that wasn’t the problem. Not entirely, anyway. “It’s not...guys I lied. You asked me to be in a relationship with you and I didn’t say anything.” 

“You did not lie,” Logan said, never dropping his hand from Virgil’s face. “You just were not ready to come out yet. You and I both know there is a substantial difference.” 

There was a hand suddenly slipping into his own, and Virgil startled when he realized it was Patton’s, the moral side’s free hand now running fingers through his hair. 

“You weren’t comfortable sharing that part of yourself,” he said. “That’s totally ok, sweetheart. No one’s mad at you. I’m just glad you said something before something...happened.” 

Logan’s hand suddenly dropped, his eyes big and painfully worried, and Virgil had to force himself not to look away. 

“Virgil,” he said slowly. “You do not...owe us anything. Especially not something like sex. If we made you feel like--” 

“What? Jesus- no.” Virgil moved his hand away from Patton, pulling his knees up to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut to try to get a hold of himself. “It wasn’t...I just thought...it would be too...t-too much to deal with, you know?” 

They weren’t breaking up with him. They weren’t. He’d been stupid to think that. There was no reason he should still be so upset. 

He couldn’t make them feel guilty. He couldn’t make them think they’d been the ones to do something wrong when they’d been nothing but perfect. He couldn’t--

“Oh Virgil.” 

Too late he realized the tears had started to spill over, his face burning as he pressed a hand against his mouth to try and muffle any treacherous sobs. 

There was a pair of arms around him, warm and grounding, and it took Virgil a moment to realize it was Roman, gently guiding him into the embrace. He didn’t fight it, falling limp against the Prince’s chest with a pathetic choking noise. 

“S-sorry,” he managed in between sobs. “I’m sorry, I- I don’t know why I’m...I sh-should have told you, I- I thought you’d...I thought you’d run out of reasons to- to want me.” 

“We could never,” Roman whispered, holding him tight. Patton moved forward to rub circles along his back, Logan reaching out to squeeze his hand. “You’re beautiful, Virgil. And this doesn’t change a thing.”

It didn’t make sense. None of it made any sense. If one of them had come out, it would be different. But with him...there was already so much to deal with, so much they were forced to handle. 

Eventually, it had to get to be too much, right? He’d already figured they’d get fed up with the extra steps they had to take to respect his boundaries, Virgil always a little more wary when it came to being vulnerable. 

But they all sounded so...genuine. Princey hadn’t once loosened his hold, still whispering quiet reassurances, Patton was back to running his fingers through Virgil’s hair, pressing kisses to his free hand. 

And Logan still held on tight, counting out familiar breathing exercises just loud enough for Virgil to hear, always knowing how to calm him down. 

When he finally managed to calm down, taking in deep, shuddering breaths, he reluctantly pulled away from Roman, wiping at his eyes as he stared down at his lap. 

“Sorry,” he muttered. “I never thought...I wouldn’t have let you guys do anything. I was always gonna tell you eventually I just...kept putting it off.” 

“That is quite alright,” Logan said, sounding oddly hesitant. “But I...don’t think I could forgive myself if we had taken the next step without realizing you would not enjoy it.” 

Virgil nodded, forcefully pushing down the sickening panic at the thought. “I know. I wouldn’t have let that happen. I promise.” 

Patton and Logan both squeezed his hands, Patton tilting forward to press a kiss to his temple before leaning his forehead on Virgil’s shoulder. He allowed himself to lean into the touch, taking another shaky breath before continuing. 

“I’m...I am sorry though. If this complicates things.” 

Roman cocked his head slightly, frowning. “Complicates things?” 

“Yeah,” Virgil said, hoping he wasn’t about to refute every wonderful thing that had just been said. “We’re...in a relationship. And you all want...I mean, Roman you’re pretty much all romance, so I know you want--” 

He cut himself off, caught completely off guard when Roman started laughing. 

“Sorry,” the Prince said quickly, smiling at the exasperated looks Virgil realized the others were giving him. “Sorry, I just...gosh, Virgil can I kiss you?” 

Virgil blinked, mind suddenly completely blank. “I...uh, sure?” 

True to his word, Roman was suddenly cupping Virgil’s face in both his hands, gently pressing their lips together, and just like always Virgil melted against the touch, completely safe for just a single, blissful moment. 

When Roman pulled back, he met Virgil’s gaze, brimming with nothing but adoration and love. “Virgil, darling, you really think I see something as trivial as sex romantic?”

“I mean...yeah?” 

“Virgil, I love you. You, not...not what you have to offer. I love seeing you in the mornings, and holding you...I love hearing your voice. I want to cook you dinners and pick you flowers and sing for you. That’s romantic, Virge. Not...not something as small as sex. That’s not what’s important. Not to me.” 

“I, for once, am in agreement with Roman,” Logan said. “Sexual intimacy has never been of importance to me. It certainly does not hold enough power to damage our relationship in any way if you do not desire it. And it certainly has no power over my feelings for you.” 

Virgil was suddenly dangerously close to crying again. “I--” 

“Besides, there is no logical reason for us to engage in sexual intercourse. We are not human, so the need to reproduce does not--” 

Roman thankfully cut him off with a kiss, Logan making a noise somewhere between surprise and annoyance, but reciprocated without further complaint. 

Patton was suddenly taking both of Virgil’s hands, their fingers laced together, and Virgil suddenly wasn't quite so scared to meet the moral side’s eyes. 

“I don’t care about something silly like that,” Patton said. “I just care about you, honey. The four of us being safe and happy and together. If we all just cuddle and tell each other how much we love each other...nothing else could ever make me that happy. So don’t you worry about a thing, ok?” 

Virgil wasn’t sure whether he laughed or sobbed, but he was smiling back at Patton, at the people who surrounded him with unconditional love, and he nodded. 

“Ok,” he agreed, feeling lighter than he thought he ever had. “Thank you. All of you. I...I love you all. So much.” 

Within moments they were all tangled up in each other, the television playing an old comfort movie, Virgil wrapped up in Logan’s arms with his head against Roman’s chest, Patton leaned against his legs. 

It was still perfect, and Virgil had a funny feeling it always would be. He loved them, more than anything in the entire world, and there wasn’t a doubt in his mind they felt the same way.

[vasiktomis]

The Father’s Grooming of Faith Seed

That’s right, it’s an analysis in defence of (the late current) Faith, mostly in her younger years. Please scroll past if you’re not interested in this take. Please also keep in mind that these are personal opinions that I’m pulling based on game backstory and character portrayal, but I’m not without my biases. I wholly support members of the fandom who enjoy Faith being empowered in her evil, but it’s just not for me. I’m writing from the perspective of a former homeless youth, and while most of my thoughts are a personal interpretation of gameplay and conjecture from lazy writing limited information, I believe that I do have some insight into what Rachel may have gone through in terms of her attraction to Joseph and her recruitment into the Project at Eden’s Gate. Warnings under the cut: Mentions of child grooming, drug use and misuse, indoctrination, abuse, religious trauma. It’s Far Cry.

Yes, she’s flawed and she’s an absolute shite of a person. She’s a cultist. She’s a liar. She’s just as forceful and twisted in her indoctrination as Jacob and John are. Her methods are awful, and she’s complicit when it comes to Joseph’s orders and his corruption.  No Seed sibling is anything short of a monster, and Faith is no exception.

At the end of the day, though, she WAS a kid when she was recruited by the cult. Before Joseph found Jacob, he’d already committed atrocities. Before he found John, the lawyer was a corrupt executive and a sadist.  Rachel was a rough-sleeping teenager with one friend. She absolutely grew into the monster that she would become in her 20′s and there’s no excuse for her actions as an adult, but just as Jacob and John’s traumas were used against them in fostering their dependence on Joseph, so was hers.  What makes Joseph’s influence over his adopted sister so much more insidious is that he couldn’t rely on family sentiment in recruiting her initially. Instead, he found a lost child and manipulated her naivety and her desperation for acceptance.

Rachel was a minor who was groomed by a strange man in his 30′s, and no resident adult stepped in to prevent this from happening.

I realise there are many fans who disagree with the point I’m making here about the vulnerability of Rachel’s youth, but your brain has not even developed fully by 25, let alone 17. She was a minor, and no matter the claims that she was happy to go along with the cult from the start, I believe her when she says that she was drugged by Joseph and forced to take on her role as Faith Seed.

The earliest information we have on Faith is tidbits from her teenage years. In-game dialogue from locals like Tracey and Virgil.

Disregarding the argument over whether she is or isn’t Rachel Jessop, Faith’s overall sentiment remains the same: She was a child without a community of adult role models. She and Tracey were drawn to commune-style living in their teen years before the Seed brothers arrived in Hope County. They had both turned to drugs, and were ostracised by the locals. Rachel grew up in absence of a safe space. She had little guidance, and those she could depend on and confide in were, well...pretty much just Tracey.  Neither had healthy guardians to steer them in the right direction. They were on their own, and despite being of an age where (in an optimistic setting) their developmental needs should have been met by responsible adults, they were instead brought up without aid, and without acceptance.

Tracey mentions Rachel’s people-pleasing habits from way back in their childhood, even in the days where they hadn’t started living with the Project. She avoided conflict and wanted to be liked. She didn’t understand that acting as if everything was fine didn’t necessarily make it so.  I applaud Tracey’s scepticism of Joseph, and her ability to see through what was happening early on when the two of them first joined the Project, but I don’t blame Faith for her blindness to it.  She’s not even old enough to graduate high-school at this point. She’s been ostracised from an early age. She’s been swept under the rug. She’s got suicidal ideation and no one in this world loves her. What wisdom is she supposed to have gained? Tracey might be strong enough to carry on with the ‘us against the world’ mantra, but Rachel doesn’t want conflict. She wants a community to take part in, and to be understood and accepted. One day, the enigmatic leader of their church shows up. Everyone in the Project worships him. His importance is in their very scripture. He’s their Prophet. He, of all people, takes a liking to Rachel.  It’s easy to point the finger and judge her naivety, but when you’re a displaced kid and a cool adult takes a shining to you, it’s very fucking difficult to resist keeping away from them. It’s very fucking easy to get star-struck by what appears to be a healthy role model, even if your friend knows better than to buy into it.

I grew up with a lot of friends who dated college guys when we were in high-school, and the argument was pretty similar. Most of us were able to see how insidious it was from the outside, but when you’re the minor in that scenario, it’s not the adult whose attention and affection and praise of you is wrong; it’s the other kids. They don’t understand. They’re jealous. You’re special. You’re mature beyond your years. Smarter than them. That’s why you’re hanging around adults and they aren’t. Reading Rachel’s letters to Tracey at the church, in which she implies Tracey’s envy over her spending more time with the cult than with her, I felt that Rachel’s lens had by this point been entirely clouded by Joseph’s influence. She cared about her friend and wanted to keep her by her side, but she’s entirely unable to compromise the feeling of acceptance that she’s found with Joseph.  He’s all-knowing and all-loving. He understands and forgives. Everyone loves him, and because he puts Rachel on a pedestal, they love her too. Tracey disrupts this. Tracey doesn’t fucking get it. Tracey is the poison. 

Rachel was Joseph’s best prospect for a new Faith. She was a blank slate and she’d obey him in earnest. She wouldn’t doubt him, because she never knew any better. She was legitimately happier in the Project than she was on the outside, and her honest belief helped to quell arguments of corruption and ulterior motive. She was pretty. She could sing and dance, and once they cleaned her up a little, she’d make for a perfect Siren.  Typical of an abuser, Joseph successfully isolated Rachel from her circle. By now, he was likely her only voice of guidance. He and his terrifying older brother who has sworn to protect them no matter the cost, and his charismatic younger brother who gives her pep talks and knows what it feels like to suffer from drug misuse. Joseph helped Jacob bounce back from post-traumatic dissociation. He saved John from self-imposed hell. He could help Rachel, too. I believe that Rachel was invited to take the role of Faith, and instructed to get clean in order to do so. That at some point amongst her attempts to stop using, when she was totally alone and suffering from withdrawal, her invitation wasn’t nearly as loving as it once was. It became an ultimatum.  I believe Rachel was given a heavier dose of scopolamine than Joseph claims they gave her. That in her lowest moments, her role model fed her the fear of banishment should she turn back. With the added aid of a powerful drug that massively affects decision-making and short-term memory, Joseph forced Rachel to destroy her identity and assume the role of Faith Seed. Whether or not she recalls this due to being under the influence at the time, I’m not sure, but the Bliss has set her free, and she’s now the Herald who will help recruits take the same leap she did. She’s in Joseph’s inner circle now. She’s trusted enough to be exposed to the ugly side of the Project, and while the view from the top isn’t nearly so wonderful as it once sounded, Faith Seed has no life to return to. She only has Joseph, and he knows it. She’s just as dependent on him now as his brothers are, and if she doesn’t please him, she won’t just lose that sense of acceptance she’s been chasing since she was a teenager. She’s too close to him now to know that the other Faiths didn’t just quit. They were disposed of. Once upon a time, Rachel wanted to die. Now she’s terrified that she just might.

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

if anon hasn't swung by yet, i'm here to ask what happens when remy realizes when he's in love with patton

Yes hello!! Welcome to: so you’re a gay bastard who’s just met a literal ray of sunshine who’s as fluffy and soft and sugary sweet as a marshmallow. falling in love’s inevitable, but how does the gay bastard recognize when it’s happened to him??? come find out!

set in the Mindscape because I Said So

Remy exists as a function of Thomas

Most functions just live in the Imagination but he’s active enough he gets his own room with the sides

(Technically it’s just a guest bedroom that’s in Thomas’s house- Remy took the memory of it and put it in the mindscape to use, which is why Thomas can never accurately remember the room or its layout when he’s not in it sjdbfhjsd)

That’s not super important but I wanted to say it

Anyways

Remy interacts with the other sides, of course

He doesn’t always get on amazingly with all of them, though

As a technical ward of the Imagination, Remy feels… slightly awkward dealing with Roman or Remus extensively. It’s not like he can’t, it just feels off

He and Virgil can be snarky and sassy together but they also clash a good amount when it comes to bedtime for Thomas

He’s not really ever up against Logan or Deceit, and they get on well enough, but it’s not like they click like natural friends or anything (shocking, I know, given my losleep agenda, but shhhh I haven’t gotten to the good part of this bullet fic)

Patton, however, is the exception

Sure, Remy may not be a happy-pappy optimist like Patton is, but surprisingly enough… he appreciates Patton’s brightness, his sunny outlook, his big smiles and sweet offers

And Patton is surprisingly accepting of Remy’s snark and sass and snap. He finds them amusing, enjoys entertaining his quips and returning them with puns and wordplay and giggles

Their friendship’s a quick-formed one, one that’s usually found chatting in the kitchen while Remy abuses the coffee machine and Patton bakes, but also in the Commons watching various shows you’d never expect them to watch, and in each other’s rooms when it’s late and they should be sleeping but they can’t for one reason or another so they waste the time sipping hot cocoa and talking together instead, and more

It’s good. They’re good.

Remy really should have seen this coming

He has a lot of chances to fall in love with Patton

And he takes all these chances very happily

But there’s only one where he realizes that he’s fallen, and fallen HARD

There were many moments that could have been ‘the one’

Like one of the few times he chose to bake instead of just watch with his coffee, him complaining about the mess while Patton laughed and showed him how to do it

They always ended up with something edible smeared on his face- chocolate or frosting or cookie dough, just a touch normally dashed against his chin or cheeks

And that always ended with Patton carefully wiping away the substance (and once or twice, on more memorable substances, kissing it off- normally when it was a smear of Patton’s favorite cookie dough)

One of those times, when Patton and Remy’s faces were stupidly close, Patton tenderly wiping away whatever mess was left on Remy’s face, Remy’s sunglasses useless to hide his gaze when this close, eyes both on each other, would have been a perfect time for Remy to remember that he was very gay and Patton was very cute

But he normally only remembered the ‘very cute’ part without any context, and another day passed with him left in self-ignorance

He could have realized it one of the times a movie marathon of cheesy romcoms (Remy and Patton both loved the cheese for different reasons) ran long and Patton fell asleep against him, head against Remy’s shoulder and body tucked against Remy’s side

He only got closer to Remy the longer he was asleep, but that was okay. Remy knew a sleepy Patton was a cuddly one. He just wrapped his arm over Patton and held him closer

Patton was always mumbling something when he was sleeping, which was cute, Remy had considered, cute how he scrunched up his nose as he thought before spilling out nonsense words and phrases

Cute how he would smile at whatever his sleepy thoughts were

Cute how sometimes he’d just… happy wiggle. Remy wasn’t sure why, but one minute Patton would be pressed against his side and the next he’d be doing a lil wiggly-shake and then he’d be back to trying to meld his body with Remy’s. It was cute.

Eventually, Patton would open his eyes, just a little, looking tired and sleepy, blinking blearily at Remy but not trying to move away from his side

He’d ask what had happened, when he’d fallen asleep, and Remy would just chuckle quietly and run a hand through Patton’s hair and say it’s alright, go back to bed, he’d take care of it

And Patton would just nod and lie his head against Remy again and be asleep almost immediately

And soon enough Remy would slowly, carefully, gently pick Patton up and move him to his bed, staying just long enough for Patton’s blankets and sheets to warm up and mimic his own warmth- hence making Patton willing to release him- before leaving

And if he lingered a moment in the doorway before leaving, wishing he could stay, could curl up with Patton and kiss his forehead and fall asleep with him?

Well… Patton was warm and cute and cuddly. Who wouldn’t want to sleep and cuddle with him? That was a Normal Friendship Thought to have. It didn’t mean anything!

And once more, His Sunglasses Make Him Oblivious Remy strikes again

Incidents similar to the baking ones and the sleepy ones continue to happen

Remy spends a good two hours doing nothing but trading horrible puns with Patton because they make Patton giggle and chuckle and LAUGH and for some reason Remy just realized he could listen to that laugh for weeks and if puns causes it… then puns he shall tell

He learns to do basic sewing because Patton accidentally rips his catigan a lot and yes Patton can sew and he does fix his own tears but Remy likes to sneak in and fix them when Patton’s busy (Patton always gets excited, later, having decided that he’s got some sort of guardian angel looking out for him but unsure who. Patton’s happiness over the whole thing’s enough for Remy- he never admits it’s him)

When Patton’s doing something/is distracted, Remy will sneak up behind him and pick him up and spin him in a half-circle and Patton will giggle and Remy will never feel more alive than he does every time he does it

There’s a lot of moments like these, where Remy turns into an absolute sap over Patton doing something as impressive as Smiling, and yet Remy throughout it all, Remy refuses to just realize ‘oh hey shit I’m in love’

Finally, however, not even Remy’s thick dark sunglasses and mindset of ‘what is love (baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more)’ can stop him from realizing how lost he is on this boi

It all happens one late night

Remy’s sleepless and up and wandering

He notices, eventually, that the light’s on in Patton’s room, and he figures, hey! late-night buddy, let’s say hi

The hi was well-timed, but not for the reasons Remy had hoped

Remy peeks in the crack and finds that, yeah, Patton’s up, but he’s also hugging a body pillow and his eyes are a little red and there’s a tiny bit of sniffling and okay someone’s not having a good night and for once it’s not Thomas as Virgil slowly goes through decades-old memories

Remy had been looking for someone to goofy off with at two am but now it is Comfort The Fluffball time and he is READY for this mission

He doesn’t go in immediately- pulling away and quietly making his way downstairs first, quickly making two mugs of hot cocoa, putting in plenty of mini marshmallows in Patton’s (and bringing the bag of them as well, for when Patton inevitably wants to snack on them)

Then he goes back upstairs, lightly bumping Patton’s door with his foot until he hears a loud sniffle and Patton hastily whisper-shouting to give him a moment

Remy waits, listening to the shuffling noises, well-aware that Patton’s cleaning his face off, trying to hide his self-perceived sin of feeling bad

Eventually, the door opens, Patton’s eyes still red as he refuses to meet Remy’s, aware the function has likely already guessed he’s not doing amazingly

His eyes light up, a bit, however, when he sees the cocoas and the marshmallow bag beneath Remy’s elbow and Remy’s gentle ‘I’m here’ smile, and Remy feels his heart light up at that

Patton lets him in, taking his mug and the bag of marshmallows from Remy as he does so, moving back on to the bed and leaning against the body pillow he had been crying into a moment ago (Remy can tell because the top of it’s damp) and he gestures for Remy to join him

And Remy does, sitting down right next to him, pressing against his side and resting his head against Patton’s

They don’t speak, just sipping their cocoas and being close

They’ve talked about it before, Patton’s tendency to repress his bad emotions and isolate himself from help

And Remy knows Patton’s trying

Patton letting him in is trying

So Remy’s not going to talk about it, because that’s not what Patton needs now. He needs to be able to be safe with someone. To be comfortable, to be un-judged despite the tear tracks on his cheeks

Remy’s halfway done with his cocoa when he lightly bumps Patton’s foot. He’s wearing bright mis-matched socks whereas Remy’s got black ones with coffee cups on them, the steam coming out of them in the shape of z’s (Patton gave them to him, and ever since, Remy’s always worn socks at night)

A smile twitches onto Patton’s face as he bumps Remy’s back

It’s small

It’s important

Eventually, they finish their cocoas

Patton places his mug on his bedside table, automatically accepting Remy’s and moving it there too

He takes the marshmallow bag, then, pulling a few out and squishing them between his fingers as he pops a few in his mouth

Remy smiles, watching Patton amuse himself with the marshmallows for a moment before asking, softly, ‘do you want to watch some tv? or do you think you’re ready to go to bed?’

‘bed’ Patton answers immediately. he knew the question was coming. Remy always asked it on nights like this.

‘of course’ Remy answers easily, beginning to stand up, moving to take the mugs away and part with a few words of reassurance and a reminder that Remy’ll find someone to cover making breakfast in the morning, please, Patton, sleep in

He’s stopped when Patton grabs his arm, just lightly tugging on his arm and pulling Remy back to sitting beside him

‘please stay’ Patton asks, quietly, but still fiercely, as if if his voice wasn’t strong enough, his want for this not there enough, Remy would say no (Remy knew he never would’ve so much as dreamed of saying no)

‘of course’ Remy repeated as the moral side tossed the marshmallow bag onto his bedside table. ‘how long do you want me to stay?’

‘until- I mean- until I fall asleep?’ Patton settled on, hesitantly

Remy frowned as he gently reached out, cupping Patton’s cheek with one hand. he didn’t press, since he knew Patton wouldn’t tell him what he really wanted if pressed. he’d clam up and stick to his lie. he had to be given time.

Patton leaned the slightest into the touch, letting the silence hold for a moment before he said, quietly, ‘I don’t want to be alone’

‘you won’t be’ Remy murmured back, easily coazing Patton into his arms, happy to let the moral side fold into his chest, pressing himself ever closer to Remy as Remy held him ever tighter

He slowly tugged Patton over, pulling Patton’s duvet over the two of them as he settled them down amongst the pillows of Patton’s bed, the lights in his room turning off at Remy’s mental urging

Patton moved with him easily, happy to be held, snuggling close against Remy and tucking his head beneath Remy’s neck and tangling their legs together and more or less enuring that Remy wouldn’t be getting up until he did (not that Remy minded)

Soon enough, they were still, Patton breathing deeply, very quickly falling asleep as Remy rubbed circles into his back

‘hey, Remy?’ Patton asked, words slurring as he fought the call of sleep to say whatever he had to say

‘yeah, babes?’

‘thank you, for... for everything’

Remy smiled, a stupidly sappy smile, safely hidden in the dark. ‘of course, Pat. always happy to help.’

Patton hummed in agreement to that, nodding a bit against Remy’s chest. when he didn’t say anything more, Remy thought he had fallen asleep, until Patton said one last thing,

‘I love you’

It wasn’t that surprising- Patton had said it before, and so had Remy, normally after Remy had complimented Patton’s cookies or after Patton showed a complete lack of shame for a rather terrible pun- but he had never said it like this before, so quietly, so simply, so meaningfully

It took him a moment to collect himself enough to respond, and by then Patton had fallen asleep, but it didn’t matter, because Remy still said it,

‘I love you too’

And that, dear reader, is when Remy realized just how heavy the weight behind those words was

That’s when Remy realizes he’s in love

Anddddd because I’m a bastard (and also tired and said I’d post this today) that’s where this ends, even though I now remember the question was ‘what happens when Remy realizes he’s in love with Patton’ and not ‘how’ he realizes, but shhhhhhh enjoy what I gave you

And like,,,, I’m not saying I’ll give this a part two if y’all want to see what happens after Remy finally comes to terms with the fact that he’s in love with the sun, but like... I def will just hmu sometime sdfjsvfsdf

[cesabutterflywrites]

525,600 Minutes

Summary: Logan meets Patton in a coffee shop after losing his connection to the stars. What follows is a year of their life, and their first seasons of love. Inspired by Seasons of Love from the musical RENT.

Word Count: 15,708

Rating: Strong T for mild cursing, mentions of sexual intimacy

Ship: Logicality

Characters: Logan/Logic, Patton/Morality, Thomas Sanders(brief), Virgil Sanders(brief)

Warnings: Suicide mention, self deprecation, anxiety, alcoholism, arguing

A/N: This was supposed to be 4k words and a little short oneshot. The infamous fic I’ve been complaining about for a while. It was supposed to be a little fluff piece to distract from my Prince in the Storm fic. Well, Patton and Logan had other ideas. I put a lot of effort into this, but it has been a few years since I’ve written anything so it will be a bit rough in some areas. I hope you enjoyed and feedback is encouraged. This is not a multichapter. Also on Ao3. Song Logan sings is Irresistible by One Direction. 

525,600 minutes

Summer

It was a hot August evening. Despite the darkness of the night, the temperature outside was still a good seventy degrees Fahrenheit. There was a hint of a breeze in the air, however, that made it more bearable to go stargaze.

One thing Logan loved about summer nights were the clear skies; perfect for seeing the sky with its navy hues of blue and purple. He also enjoyed how the grass in his backyard wasn’t muddy from rain. It was still soft enough to lay on (with a blanket underneath him, of course).

Summer nights were for relaxing. The heat hardly made it easy to do anything productive. Even less invigorating activities such as reading, sitting at a desk, and taking a shower ended with him still drenched with sweat. While it was grimy, dirty, and made his skin feel uncomfortable...he also loved it. The heat swelling in his face gave him the feeling of life that he had lost over the course of cooler months.

Knowing it was hot outside, he was prepared in adequate attire. He did not want to dirty any presentable clothes with grass stains, so he wore what would be deemed as ‘house wear’. A white tank top that was a bit too small from many times in the dryer, some denim shorts with a belt. It was not his preferred way to dress, in fact he avoided thinking about what would happen if any of his friends saw him in those clothes.

When the blanket was laid down, Logan rested his head in his hands and looked at the stars. Of course, he could name the constellations that were popular. Orion, Ursa Major, et cetera. However when Logan needed a break from recalling fact, when he needed a moment to just exist within himself, he made his own constellations. That was what summer was for. Summer was for retreat. Time away from work, away from stress, away from...people.

That night, however, he struggled to come up with an image. His mind kept swirling with questions about the stars. What would it mean to touch a star? What would it feel like to see the stars in someone’s eyes? Everyone around him in the summer were focused on romantic endeavors. His colleagues would take about their dates to the boardwalk, to an ice cream parlor, to a swimming pool. Summer seemed to be the time where everyone found someone.

Logan took a deep breath in, tasting the hot moisture of the night and letting it stick to his lungs. He was not blind to the fact that he was thirty years old without ever having a...person. Not that he didn’t desire anyone, he just never found someone he ‘clicked’ with. Of course, there was no point in setting himself up for heartbreak when he saw there wasn’t a stable enough connection. Most times it wasn’t bothersome, most times he could be distracted by his work and the stars. For as long as he could remember, the stars were better companions than other species. They listened to his concerns without him ever needing to verbalize them. They heard his deepest wishes, tasted his loneliness when it was unbearable.

So what was different about that night? He could see the stars but it was as if they had hung up on him. It was as if they abandoned him. When all he sought was some relaxation, he was met instead with isolation.

He closed his eyes, hoping that by doing so the galaxies above him would shift just enough for him to pick up the connection.

When he opened them, there was a bright sun and the sky was a light blue. He brought his hand up to shield himself from the sudden burst of light to his eyes. His skin was sweaty, and a bit red. His tank top stuck to him and his shorts chafed against his thighs.

He hadn’t meant to fall asleep. Perhaps the warmth of the night had acted like a blanket and helped him drift off.

With a sigh, he slowly pulled himself off the ground to make his way indoors. He didn’t want to bother with the blanket, what he needed was a cold shower and some aloe vera lotion. After that, an iced coffee.

~~~~

The coffee shop wasn’t very crowded when he arrived. Most everyone had already grabbed their drinks and were enjoying the sun. Logan wasn’t too burned by his outdoor slumber, the only place he felt sore was his face.

When he got to the counter he noticed the barista was new. Chocolate brown locks curling over a tan face with a splatter of freckles along soft cheekbones and a button nose. The man made the standard uniform of white shirt, black pants, and a blue apron seem like something out of a magazine.

Logan felt his face heat up even more. It was uncomfortable to blush under his burn, but not unwelcome.

“Hi there! Welcome to Skye’s Cafe. What would you like to order today?” the barista asked, and Logan nearly fainted. His voice was filled with such enthusiasm. Logan hadn’t thought it possible that he could hear sunlight.

“Uh-I would like a, um,” Logan needed to think. What had he come in for again? Where was he? His skin was on fire from the intense waves of immediate attraction pulling him in.

“Don’t worry, take your time,” the man encouraged, “There’s no one behind you so don’t feel rushed.”

Logan glanced behind him and was brought back to earth. He shook his head as if the feelings that overcame him were nothing more than fleeting thoughts.

Turning back to the handsome figure behind the register, he gave his order as casually as he could, “Iced coffee, light cream and sugar.”

The barista cheerfully nodded as he put the order into the register. Next he grabbed a cup and sharpie, “Name?”

Logan’s throat closed but he managed to get out, “Logan”

“Logan, what a great name. Mine is Patton!”

Another wave of emotion crashed over Logan. Patton. Suddenly he knew the name of God’s most perfect angel. Fire licked at his feet and he struggled to keep his balance.

“Thank you, uh, Patton. Are you new here?” Logan asked, noticing the nervous tone in his own voice.

Patton didn’t seem to notice the edge in Logan's voice. He walked off to start making the drink but he answered, “Yes I am, today is actually my second day out of training.”

Logan didn’t have a response other than ‘hm’. Patton had gotten the drink ready quicker than any of the other baristas had before. Logan grabbed the drink from the counter and indulged in one more glance at Patton’s face. They both exchanged a smile.

“That was the quickest anyone made my drink,” Logan blurted out.

A pink blush crept up underneath the freckles on Patton’s face. “Oh, thank you. Everyone has been saying that today. I guess I’m a quick learner.”

“Well, thank you. I hope to see you more often,” Logan internally chastised himself. He didn’t mean to overstep his bounds.

Patton blushed even harder, “Well, at the end of the week I’ll know what my schedule is for sure. Maybe after that I could tell you.” Patton’s eyes went wide when he realized the implication of what he said, “O-of course, so you can have your drink made quicker!”

Logan smirked at the flustered barista. It was a comfort to know he wasn’t the only one flustered. “Then I’ll hope to see you when you know.”

Patton only nodded in response, then the bell rang signaling another customer walking in. “Well, it was nice talking to you Logan. I hope you enjoy your drink.”

Logan nodded then went to sit down at his usual table in the corner near the window. It was the perfect lighting for reading a book. He took a sip of his drink and jolted a bit.

So this is what heaven tastes like

~~~~

A few weeks went by, August was nearly over, and Logan made it a point to go get coffee 10 minutes before Patton was due for a break. They had gotten to know each other quite well, though Logan realized the man of sunshine could be a bit...eccentric.

“Hey, teach, wanna hear a joke?” Patton asked as he sat across Logan.

Logan sighed. Mostly out of habit, he knew whatever joke came out of those pink lips would fill him with joy. “Sure, go ahead Patton.”

Patton started giggling, barely able to start. Logan’s heart pounded to the rhythm of the sound. “Okay, okay. What,” Patton grinned at Logan with a raised eyebrow, “do you call a pan from mars?”

Logan’s eyebrows scrunched, wondering what the punchline would be. “There are no pans on Mars that we know of.” He responded.

“Marzipan!” Patton shouted before dissolving into a mess of giggles. His arms wrapped around himself in an attempt to hold himself together.

Logan pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “That one didn’t even make sense, Pat.”

It took a few seconds for Patton to compose himself to respond. Logan felt a smile tug at his lips at how absolutely precious the man in front of him was. “It doesn’t have to make sense, that’s why it’s so funny!”

Logan let out a small laugh, “Whatever you say, Sunshine.” Logan’s eyes widened immediately. He hadn’t meant to call Patton Sunshine, it just slipped out.

Patton looked stunned for a minute, before he broke out into a wide grin. “What did you call me?”

“I- I didn’t mean… I hadn’t meant to- I’m so sorry I don’t know where that came from.” Logan put his head in his hands to hide his blush and shame from Patton.

“Hey Logan, look at me,” Patton requested softly. Logan just shook his head in his hands, refusing.

He didn’t hear Patton move, but suddenly there was a warmth sitting next to him. Gentle, soft hands wrapped themselves around Logan’s wrists and tugged them down. Logan was a slave to the request, fire spreading up his veins and causing his heartbeat to fill his head and ears. He looked at Patton to see a light in those puppy brown eyes he had come to quickly fall for.

“It’s okay, I like the nickname. I’m flattered that you think so highly of me, cause...well I…” Patton looked out the window behind Logan, a twinkle in his eyes and red starting to creep up along his cheekbones. “I think pretty highly of you, too.”

Logan couldn’t hear his thoughts, or perhaps he had none. Words had escaped his mouth and mind as they had the first time he laid eyes on Patton. “How much?” he asked. He needed to know if Patton, too, felt the fire. He needed to know if Patton felt the pull as well.

The curly haired, freckled, sunshine man looked into Logan’s eyes. There was the fire. The flames Logan had felt consuming him all these weeks; they came from those eyes.

Patton moved a hand to reach up to Logan’s face. He waited for Logan to nod before making contact. Logan felt himself lean into Patton’s hand. It was almost as if those hands were sculpted to hold him. Or maybe Logan’s face was made to be the clay Patton were to use to his own will. Patton didn’t seem to know it, but he held all of the power over Logan.

“I think you are so smart. You may seem annoyed by my humor, but I can tell that you secretly enjoy it. You have pretty blue eyes that make me feel like I’m in a refreshing pool of water. You seem guarded with everyone except me, and I feel that it is an honor that is rarely given. So, I think very highly of you.” Patton’s voice was low for once, his words sounded as if he had rehearsed what he needed to say.

Logan could no longer bear it. He was too warm, his throat was dry, he needed to do something to release and cease the heat. He grabbed Patton’s face and pulled him in for a kiss.

Fireworks exploded in his stomach as Patton kissed him back. The world disappeared until all that was left was them. Logan’s first kiss, the first kiss he had been skeptical would ever come for thirty years, made all that time worth it. He felt himself smile against the soft lips of his new love. They pulled apart, grinning at each other like fools.

“Sunshine, how do you feel about stargazing?”

525,600 minutes

Autumn

October had come to an end, and Patton was the happiest man on Earth. Autumn was his favorite season. It was the time of year for hot chocolate, warm soup, cozy blankets, and snuggles. The air cooled, breezes picking up orange leaves and scattering them along the ground. They crunched under his feet. Rain fell from gray clouds, making him feel like he needed to dance. Well, maybe his reason to dance was more than just that it was raining.

Things were going great with his new boyfriend, Logan. They had been going steady since the first time they kissed at the end of August. He had been working at Skye’s coffeeshop for about two months and was recently offered a raise for how much business he was bringing in. He wasn’t quite sure what she had meant by that, but he didn’t really mind. Skye was an amazing boss to work with, and started to become an amazing friend. Patton loved making friends. He just loved making people happy.

He had been on his way to Logan’s house when the rain started to really pour. He had forgotten to bring an umbrella with him before he left work, so he started jogging so he could get to the warm embrace of the house and Logan’s arms quicker.

He had reached the door when the downpour had started to turn into a storm. His knuckles knocked on the dark wood door to the house he had come to spend every evening at for a month. He rubbed his arms and bounced in an attempt to warm himself up. Despite the cold and wet, he couldn’t help but feel happy.

Every day he felt laughter bubbling up in his chest as he looked forward to seeing his wonderful boyfriend. All he could think about every day was the way Logan’s lips twitched when he was trying to hide a smile. How he would tip his glasses up and glance away when he felt extra smart. How he would blush whenever he caught Patton staring. He always looked forward to spending what precious moments he could with his most bestest boyfriend ever.

Logan answered the door. Patton’s smile wavered as he took in Logan’s appearance. His hair was disheveled, his glasses were missing, and all he was wearing was a robe and boxers. There were dark bags under his eyes, and his lips were curved down in a frown.

“Oh my God, what happened Logan?” Patton gasped. He had never seen Logan look this unkempt.

Logan looked confused until he seemed to process Patton’s question. “Oh, nothing Patton. What are you doing here?” The whiskey on his breath wafted into Patton’s nostrils. Oh.

Patton didn’t answer as he tried to step past Logan inside. Logan tried to resist him but he stumbled. Patton scanned his eyes across the living room and couldn’t believe what he saw. There were books strewn about as if they had been tossed around. The couch was covered in tissues. There was a whiskey bottle on it’s side resting on the coffee table. Try not to think about it, Patton.

He jumped as Logan slammed the door. “What are you doing here, Pat?” Logan sounded...angry.

Patton turned to look at Logan. His blue eyes were bloodshot and puffy, as if he had been crying. Patton walked closer but Logan backed away. “Don’t.”

Tears formed in Patton’s eyes but he wouldn’t let them fall. He needed to know what was going on, so he kept walking forward until Logan was backed against the wall. He was a little shorter than his boyfriend, but that didn’t make his stare any less intense.

“Logan, Starlight, what’s wrong?” he asked softly. He tried to ignore the sob that was threatening to escape his throat. The cold fear stabbed his heart.

Logan put his hand on Patton’s shoulder to push him away, but he was too weak. His head lolled sideways as he tried to form a response. “Nuffin’” was all that he came up with. He then slid down the wall to sit on the floor. “Standing hard.”

Patton took a deep breath in to calm himself. He knew Logan needed him, so he shoved his worries and temptations aside and sat next to Logan on the floor. Once again he asked, "What happened?"

This time Logan didn't try to push Patton out. He leaned his head onto Patton's shoulders and cried. The sounds rang in Patton's ears like a twisted version of the bells in Logan's laugh. Patton's heart beat erratically in his chest like usual, except this time for much more heartbreaking reasons.

All he could do was put his arm around his love and rub his shoulders for comfort. Logan calmed a bit in response to the touch, as if Patton touching him gave him enough clarity to speak through the burning alcohol in his blood.

"A, uh, a student of mine passed away yesterday." Logan whispered, "Suicide," he choked out.

Patton suddenly saw why Logan seemed destroyed. He was a fairly new teacher, and chose to work at the middle school. He hadn't dealt with a student death before, especially one so young.

Patton felt the ice in his heart melt away from the empathy he held for his love. He unfortunately was very familiar with the beast of suicide.

So maybe that's what gave him the right words to say, "Starlight, you can't hold yourself at fault for the death of another. You did what you could, and in the end you lost a person close to you. However that doesn't lessen the worth of your efforts. Sometimes," tears fell down Patton's face like the rain outside,"Sometimes it feels like we're being swallowed whole. That simple things like getting out of bed in the morning is the same as jogging for six miles with no water or food. No matter the love we receive, sometimes our minds are filled with so much darkness we filter it all out."

Logan looked up at Patton. Even while intoxicated he understood what Patton meant by 'we'."Are you suicidal too?"

The question hung in the air between them. Lighting flashed through the windows and thunder followed suit. The silence between them was amplified by the electricity in the air. Between them a puddle of truth that Patton had to step into in order to reach the next step in their relationship.

"Why aren't you answering me?" Logan pleaded, tears once more flowing. His voice was gravel. He clung Patton's shirt in his fists and pulled himself to sit in front of him.

Patton's eyes were wide. Hiding the pain was always better. Making others smile was the only way to keep from adding more pain in this world. Yet he saw that with each second of silence he was hurting Logan more.

He decided to try a new way of soothing another's pain. "I was, as a child. I had a lot going on. I made an attempt at one point, even. But I survived. And now I’m glad I did, because I have you.”

Neither of them could speak after that, for there were no words. The two of them instead used their bodies to speak. Patton rubbing Logan’s back in small circles said ‘I love you’. Logan nuzzling into Patton’s chest while crying said ‘it hurts too much’. Logan taking Patton’s hand to move to the couch to cuddle meant ‘thank you’. Patton petting Logan’s hair said ‘You’re welcome’.

Logan kissing Patton’s thigh before falling asleep whispered ‘I love you too’.

~~~~

“I want you to accompany me to Thanksgiving dinner with my family.” Logan blurted one cloudy afternoon.

They had decided to go for a walk in the park by the coffee shop. Patton had forgotten his umbrella again, but Logan anticipated this, and brought an extra one. They had been walking in comfortable silence, taking in the image of the trees bare of their leaves. The world looked more toned down, which in a way calmed Patton. He loved the gray tones of the clouds in the sky, he loved the pumpkin patches, he loved the leaves, he loved the smell of rain.

Most of all, he freaking loved Logan in a scarf and jacket.

“Uh, what?”

“I want you to come with me to visit my family for Thanksgiving.” Logan repeated. The blush on his cheeks seemed to be deeper than being from just wind chill.

“Oh, um…” Patton was at a loss for words. Of course he wanted to go, but past experiences had told him that meeting the family wasn’t a good idea. “I don’t know…”

Insecurity crept it’s way into Patton’s mind. His exes had always been interested in him until he interacted with their families. He always told a joke that fell flat, always got too confused, always said something wrong. Always… did something wrong. However, he was a different person now. Plus he loved Logan so much...he just wasn’t ready to lose the love of his life through his own stupidity, or possibility of stupidity.

He obviously had been too quiet, because Logan stopped walking to look at Patton, his head tilting to the side in a way that tugged at Patton’s heart strings. Logan looking inquisitively made Patton feel important. When he puzzled Logan it wasn’t because he was a ditz, it was because Logan found him fascinating. The look on his face made Patton want to double check that his fears were unfounded.

“I mean, are you sure? What if I say something embarrassing?” Patton looked down at his shoes.

Logan lifted Patton’s chin up. Cool blue eyes chilled the heat in his heart. He felt his breathing get steadier with the solidity that was Logan. With one simple touch he felt roots planting into the ground beneath them, intertwining their souls to grow together forever. No wind could shake them. No storm could knock them down. In that moment, Patton knew there was nothing that could make Logan stop loving him. He also knew that he felt the same way.

“Sunshine, nothing you could do would make me unsure of how right you are for me,” Logan confirmed.

He cupped Patton’s cheek with his hand, “Your face was made to fit within my hands, for you are my world.”

His other had wrapped around Patton’s torso, pulling him closer, “Your body was made to be against my own; for you are my support.”

He leaned his forehead against Patton’s, “Your mind is the opposite of mine. Bubbly, bright, and full of light; for you are the sun to my moon.”

Logan’s lips brushed Patton’s, and he whispered, “Your lips were meant to kiss me; for your name is my prayer to the stars.”

Logan then kissed Patton in a way that felt different than their other kisses before. He felt as if he was being pulled back into his body. He embraced his love and they twirled, lips never parting. In that moment the two of them knew what it was to find what fit in the empty space within their souls.

Being grounded within Logan helped push his insecurities, fears, and old demons to the side. Logan’s arms were where he needed to be.

~~~~

Patton felt his nerves were firing up to the point he couldn’t sit still. It was a two hour drive to Logan’s brother’s house. Logan was in the driver’s seat, which was a good thing because Patton was too excited to concentrate. He was wearing his Thursday Best. He had an off-white cardigan on with a light blue polo underneath. He rubbed the palms of his hands over his freshly ironed khakis. It was the only thing he could do to stave off the need to bounce his leg.

“Hey, Starlight?”

“Yes, Sunshine?” Logan’s voice was deeper than normal. When he was concentrating on something else his voice dropped, and it sent butterflies flying in Patton’s stomach every time.

“Does your family know I’m coming with you?” Patton didn’t want to intrude

“They know I am bringing a plus one, yes.” Logan’s response was curt.

“A plus one?” Why did that leave a sick feeling in Patton’s stomach?

Logan sighed, his hands gripping the steering wheel tighter. “I...I never dated anyone before you.”

Patton was stunned. He was Logan’s first boyfriend, first partner...ever? He knew Logan didn’t have much experience with relationships...but he didn’t know ‘not much’ meant ‘none at all’. “Why not?” he couldn’t help but ask. Underneath his question was ‘why me, then?’

Logan took a minute to form a response. The downward curve of his mouth told Patton that his boyfriend was at a loss for words. He waited patiently for the response, choosing to look out the window at the rain falling around them in the daylight.

“I never found anyone who I saw as compatible enough to risk a relationship. I didn’t want to start something that was doomed to fail.” Logan blushed, “I guess you are the one for me, I never questioned my attraction to you. I never had to list the pros and cons of starting a courtship.”

“Awww...Starlight,” Patton cooed, “I love you too. Thank you for taking the risk, because if you hadn’t I don’t think I’d be here.” There was some truth to his statement, they were getting into the time of year when he started feeling…wrong.

“Well, obviously, it’s my car.”

Patton laughed, “Dad joke!”

Logan groaned, “You know I didn’t do it on purpose.”

They both chatted and sat in silence on and off until they pulled up to the house. Anxiety crawled up the back of Patton’s neck like a spider. He shivered. When Logan opened the door for him he didn’t move to get out.

“What’s wrong, my love?” Logan asked, concerned.

“I’m a bit..scared…” Patton admitted with a whisper.

“You’re going to be okay, I promise.” Logan reached his hand out. Patton had no choice but to climb out of the car to grab the steadying hand of his lover.

They walked hand in hand up the path to the house. The sun was starting to set, which set orange and pink hues splattered on the yellow house. If the family inside were as inviting as the outside of their home, Patton would have no problem fitting in.

Logan knocked on the door. His expression was his usual neutral stare. Patton felt Logan grip his hand tighter as the door was opened by a man who looked like Logan, but younger.

The man smiled and pulled Logan into a hug, which Logan stiffened in. “Good to see you, brother! Hey, who’s the friend?”

“Patton, this is my brother Thomas. Thomas this is my-” Logan paused, they hadn’t exactly had a chance to discuss how he’d be introduced. Evidently Logan decided for Patton and boldly proclaimed, “My boyfriend.”

Thomas’ eyebrows raised. “Well, that explains, um, a lot.” He then turned to Patton to shake hands with a bright smile, “It’s nice to have you over, Patton. Welcome, and come on in.”

They entered the house and the inside was even more inviting than the outside. The living room they had walked into had two couches. There was a fireplace in one corner, and in the other corner next to it was an entertainment center. The room’s walls were decorated in family photos, and some awards.

Patton was in awe, it was very different from his family’s home when he was growing up. The lighting was soft, warm and welcome. He loosened his grip on Logan’s hand just a bit. He felt more relaxed.

Not acknowledging the other people in the room, his eyes zoned in to the creature on the floor.

“Cat!” he loudly whispered to Logan.

Logan didn’t have time to form a response because conversations in the room ceased to look at them. Patton noticed that Logan was very uncomfortable, but he couldn’t figure out why. They all seemed like nice people.

An older woman came up to them, her smile was so bright. Patton couldn’t help but smile in return.

She reached out to shake hands. “I’m Matilda, Logan’s mom. Thank you for joining us.” Her voice reminded Patton of warm chocolate chip cookies. Her eyes were blue like Logan’s but more lively, full of stories and experiences only an older person would have.

He shook her hand back, “Nice to meet you, I’m Patton.”

There were a few more members of the family to meet. They formed a bit of a line to make introductions easier. There was Thomas, who owned the home. Matilda, Logan’s mom. One of Logan’s cousins, Jeff, and his teenage son, Virgil. Virgil didn’t introduce himself per se, he just looked up from his phone when he heard his name and waved halfheartedly. Patton didn’t take much offense, he remembered being a teenager once.

Once he had greeted everyone, he kept his eyes on the small cat perched on the windowsill. It was a lovely little long haired calico. Patton loved calicoes. He so badly wanted to go over and pet it, but he hadn’t thought to bring his allergy medication. He was so focused on the cat that he didn’t hear Logan say his name.

“Sunshine, Patton, Patton!”

“Oh, sorry Logan. What were you saying?” he asked, blushing a bit.

“We’re going to the dining room to eat dinner. Are you going to join us or continue staring at the cat?” Logan asked, seeming a bit annoyed.

Patton tried not to notice the edge in Logan’s voice, instead he chose to smile and put his hands on his hips. “I haven’t been introduced to the cat yet, Logan. It’s rude to go eat if I haven’t even met all the residents of the home.”

Logan rolled his eyes, “Sunshine, you’re allergic.” Patton took his hands up to his face to try to give his boyfriend the puppy eyes. He knew Logan couldn’t resist his pleading face for long.

Finally Logan gave in, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Her name is Surefoot.”

Patton turned back to the cat and cooed. “Awe, Surefoot, what a pleasure to meet you. Unfortunately I have to go eat, but it was mice to meet you meow.”

He giggled as Logan groaned. “Can we go eat now?”

Patton nodded and went to join the rest of the family. The dinner was amazing. He got along great with Logan’s family. They were so fun to hang out with. Thomas didn’t bat an eye when Patton denied a glass of wine. Matilda laughed with him over some embarrassing stories of Logan as a child. Even Virgil chimed in a few times.

After Logan had some food, his mood seemed to get a bit better. He also seemed relieved at his family’s easy acceptance of Patton. The two kept making side glances at each other. Thank you, Logan’s eyes seemed to say.

Patton’s kiss on his cheek was his way of saying you’re welcome.

525,600 Minutes

Winter

Logan hated winter.

He hated the snow, he hated driving in the snow, he hated the sun reflecting into his eyes from the snow. He hated the kids shouting around him when he went to work during a snowball fight. He hated when school got canceled last minute because of the snow.

This year was a bit different. Maybe there was one good thing about winter…

Patton wearing a Christmas sweater was adorable as hell.

School had been canceled, so he had decided to sleep in. He wasn’t expecting Patton to be over that day, at least not in the morning. So he was surprised when he had gotten to the bottom of the stairs to see his boyfriend in the kitchen. He smelled bacon, and heard sizzling that suggested pancakes were being made. Christmas music was being played softly from Patton’s phone. Patton was bouncing and doing a little dance while he stood at the stove, back turned to Logan.

Logan saw that Patton was wearing a light blue and white sweater, with cats and dogs on the back. Logan couldn’t help but burst with happiness. He strode to come up behind Patton and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. Patton startled a bit but quickly relaxed against Logan. Logan peeked and saw that pancakes were being made. His stomach grumbled a bit, so he kissed Patton’s cheek and went to grab a piece of bacon.

“This is a nice surprise, Sunshine.” he commented.

Patton shrugged. “Well, I couldn’t sleep well, so I thought I’d bring some groceries over and make you breakfast. Especially since school was canceled.” Logan noticed Patton’s smile was bright but a bit..off.

“Why couldn’t you sleep?” Logan asked, paying extra attention to Patton’s face.

Patton stared down as he flipped the pancakes over. “No reason to be concerned, Starlight. Just couldn’t sleep is all.”

Logan had grown to notice Patton very well. He spent so much time looking at his love’s face. He had memorized every inch of Patton that he could. He knew how his curly hair puffed after waking up, he knew how his freckles nearly disappeared when he blushed, he knew all of Patton’s different smiles.

So obviously he knew when Patton was faking it.

There was a bit of silence between them. Patton put the pancakes on a plate, reached behind Logan for some bacon, and avoided Logan’s stare. He set the food down at the kitchen table and sat down. Smiling up at Logan he asked, “You gonna join me, Starlight?”

Logan frowned as he sat down. He normally enjoyed Patton’s cooking but he felt everything was..off. Odd. He didn’t want to push Patton, but he couldn’t keep his curiosity in for long.

They both ate in silence until Logan had had enough. “Okay, Patton, what’s wrong?”

Patton looked startled. “N-nothing, I just-”

“You couldn’t sleep, I know. But I also know that you like to avoid talking about your negative feelings. Please let’s just avoid the tooth pulling and just tell me.” Logan didn’t mean to sound mad. He was just frustrated.

Patton was flushed with embarrassment and looked down. “I-I just..” he closed his eyes, and Logan noticed a teardrop from Patton’s face, ���I just was feeling really down last night. It was pretty bad, that happens a lot in the winter. I start feeling...bad, for some reason. Wrong.” he pushed his plate away and laid his head in his arms, sobbing, “I’m wrong!”

Logan felt his heart starting to splinter. He hadn’t meant to ruin the mood. He didn’t mean to push, and he certainly hated the idea of being the reason the love of his life was crying.

Logan gently stood up and knelt beside Patton. He didn’t ever imagine what he would do if his love had fallen apart. He laid his hand on Patton’s back and felt the wracking sobs vibrate within his own bones. His heart rate increased the the growing sorrow he felt for hurting the one person he needed. With each sob from Patton he felt his head spin even more.

“C’mon love, let’s move to the couch for a bit, yeah?” he pleaded. He needed to hold Patton in his arms and take all the burdens of the world away. He needed to hold his love steady enough in order to hold himself together.

Patton nodded and stood up with Logan’s help. Immediately, before Logan could see his face, he was embraced by Patton. The arms around his torso tortured him with their shaking. He held back his own tears and fears as he guided Patton to the sofa in the living room. Patton leaned his head on Logan’s lap and nuzzled. Logan would have found the action adorable if it weren’t for the fact that the reason why was still a mystery.

He didn’t exactly know what to do, so he followed his instincts. He started stroking Patton’s hair. He curled the locks around his fingers, loving the feel of soft chocolate smoothly running through his digits. He gazed down Patton’s body curled up on the couch. Even in the man’s sorrow, he still looked like the human representation of a precious cinnamon roll.

Logan wasn’t much of a singer, however he knew that Patton loved his voice so he started to hum softly,

“Don’t try to make me stay

Or ask if I’m okay

I don’t have the answer,”

Patton stopped shaking. Logan kept going, noticing his partner winding down.

“Don’t make me stay the night

Or ask if I’m alright

I don’t have the answer”

He felt Patton take a deep breath in, no longer sobbing. He noticed his sweatpants were a bit wet from his love’s tears. He didn’t care.

“Heartache doesn’t last forever

I’ll say I’m fine

Midnight ain’t the time for laughin’

When you say goodbye”

Patton turned to look up and Logan, his eyes red from crying. The normal bright stars looked burnt out. In the back of his mind, he noticed that they had left Patton’s glasses on the kitchen table.

“It makes your lips so kissable

And your kiss so missable

Your fingertips so touchable

And your eyes irresistible”

Logan’s heart burst open with light at the sight of Patton’s small smile. “Sorry, Starlight. I didn’t mean to ruin breakfast for you.”

Logan gently motioned for Patton to sit up. Once he had obliged, Logan took the soft hands of the person who had become his world from the moment they’d first met. He looked into the eyes that had held so much sunlight in the days prior. He shoved the questions he had about that to the side as he spoke, “Sunshine, you could never ever ruin anything for me.”

He reached out to cup Patton’s chin. “You are my Sunshine for a reason. You shed so much light in every room you walk into. You are so much stronger than me, you have an understanding of others that I will never have. You…” Logan couldn’t find the words to express how much Patton meant to him, so he thought he’d try a different way to use his lips to express his love.

He held Patton’s cheek and kissed. He tasted the salt and snot from Patton’s crying but he didn’t care. To him it was the way Patton tasted when he fell apart, and he loved every part of this man. He loved his smiles, his laughter, his jokes, his obsession with cats, he loved the light side. He also discovered that morning that he loved the dark side. He loved the tears, the sobs, the shaking, the shallow breathing. Even though the cries pierced his heart, even though he wanted to fall to his knees as freely as Patton’s tears, he still loved. Through the pain and cries, and snot and tears his love for Patton pushed him through his discomforts of emotions.

Patton groaned against his lips, the sound more guttural than he had been used to before. The next thing Logan knew, his lap was full of Patton. He was being straddled by a man in a sweater with animals on it. He was a bit shocked at Patton’s bravado. Normally they didn’t engage in such heated endeavors. They hadn’t gone very far...physically… in their relationship. Logan was never ready, and Patton was so patient.

This time, though, he felt ready. He felt a primal need build up inside of him. His hands slid under Patton’s sweater to feel the hot skin of Patton’s back. He whimpered when Patton moved his lips away from their kiss, then gasped in shock when Patton started to kiss along his neck. He gripped Patton’s hips as teeth nicked against his collarbone.

His head was swimming in desire for the man on top of him. He wanted to take him. He wanted to feel...that feeling. He wanted to take in his love’s touch. He wanted to touch all over Patton’s body and be touched in return. He wanted to feel the fire from the beginning of their courtship. He wanted to be doused in the flames of those chocolate eyes raking over his body. He wanted to melt against the body of the brightest thing he had ever seen. He wanted to go all the way so bad, but he couldn’t.

He listened to the voice of reason in his ear pointing out the possibility that Patton was trying to avoid the mess of the fit. He willed his fingers to pull away from Patton’s skin. He used all of his strength to gently push Patton away from his neck.

“Starlight, please,” Patton whined. Logan almost felt himself give in.

“No.” Logan denied. He noticed his voice was deeper than usual.

“Why not? I thought- I thought you wanted-” Patton’s eyes started to fill with rejection.

“I do!” Logan said quickly, not wanting to give the wrong impression, “I want it so bad. But not like this. Not under these circumstances.” He reached out to touch his love’s cheek, but was denied by Patton standing up.

“What, like you haven’t before?” Patton refused to look at him. Logan just sat on the couch stunned.

He needed Patton to look at him. “Sunshine, please, listen to me, come sit back down.”

Patton huffed, then sat back down, wrapping his arms around his knees. “Why not?”

Logan sighed, he hadn’t told Patton explicitly that he was a virgin. He had only mentioned that he hadn’t dated before. “I...I know you could tell that I don’t have much experience with intimacy. I know I’ve told you that there have been no others, but I meant it in all of the ways.”

An “Oh.” fell from Patton’s lips. “I’m sorry.”

 Logan smiled. “It’s okay. I still want to, and I know I’m ready, but I need to know first…” Patton looked away, “What happened?”

His love sighed, “I...I told you a while ago that I had been suicidal as a kid, after your student passed away.” Logan flinched at the memory. He wasn’t proud of the way he responded to the death, and he didn’t exactly want the reminder of the empty desk at the back of his classroom. However he let Patton continue.

“I have seasonal depression. In the winter I can get a bit… down,” Logan nodded, understanding what Patton was saying, “Normally I have been able to handle it. For about two years I’ve been managing...but this winter is especially hard for some reason.”

Logan scooted closer to put his hand on Patton’s knee, encouraging him to continue, “I guess I really missed you last night, you know?” Oh, how Logan did know, “But I didn’t want to disturb your sleep last night. So I just pushed through it. I tried to stuff it down. I felt icky and gross, kinda like I do now.”

Logan smiled softly and said, “You’re still glorious to me.”

Patton smiled and let out a laugh, “Thank you. I needed to hear that.”

The conversation would have continued, if it weren’t for both of their stomachs growling for breakfast. They both laughed.

“Let’s try to have second breakfast, yeah?” Patton asked while standing up.

All Logan did was gaze after the retreating form of his partner, admiring the animals on his cute sweater.

~~~~

It was December 24th. Logan and Patton had decided to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning together. Patton was acting so bouncy it was nearly intoxicating. Logan wasn’t one to celebrate Christmas much, outside of going to his brother’s house for a family dinner. He never decorated outside of a small tree in the front window to give a feeling of participation with his neighbors for the holiday.

So it was a bit of a shock to come home to his living room resembling Santa’s workshop.

He had walked into the sight of garland strung along the staircase. There were figurines of angels, elves, santa claus, reindeer, and on the center of the coffee table was a small nativity scene.

The biggest shock of all was the tree in the window.

Patton was humming along to the music he had put on, and was stringing the lights along the bottom of the real, giant green tree. Patton was too distracted to notice that Logan had come in, which was a blessing because it meant that Logan could watch Patton shimmy around the tree, being his adorable self.

Patton swayed his hips while he sang. Once the lights were set, he reached into the box behind him and pulled out more garland. He had a smile on his face, and the soft glow on his face from the colored lights made it all the more miraculous.

He noticed the song Patton was singing along was a bit...well, it was certainly outdated.

“I really can’t stay,” Patton sang

“But baby it’s cold outside”, the singer on the music player responded.

Logan smirked as he quietly snuck up behind his love.

“I’ve got to go away,” Patton continued, oblivious to Logan’s presence behind him.

“But baby it’s cold outside,” Logan crooned deeply while wrapping his arms around Patton.

Patton yelped, and would have jumped if it hadn’t been for Logan’s strong grip around his waist. “Oh, Starlight, you scared me,” he let out a relieved giggle.

Logan rested his chin on Patton’s shoulder, giving a kiss onto the man’s neck. Patton must have been baking, cause he smelled like gingerbread. He was wearing the blue sweater again, the material soft on Logan’s face. Logan couldn’t help but run his nose up and down the smooth flesh. He left kisses wherever he could. Patton doing this grand gesture for him only reinforced his need.

He had a craving for every bit of light Patton exude. Patton’s laughter was his drug, he was in bliss at the sight of that crooked smile. The freckles were constellations in shapes Logan could never imagine to exist. The stars had disconnected from him that summer evening because they knew their time was up. Their beauty was no match for the man now squirming in his grip.

“I’m going to pull you away from your decorating for a bit, is that satisfactory?” Logan whispered. He took the pleased whimper in response as a yes.

He turned Patton around and gave the most passionate kiss he could muster. He was ready. He was ready and the lights were perfect. The love was in the air, so thick he was drowning. They nearly knocked some of the decoration boxes down trying to make it up the stairs. Logan didn’t know where his new bravado was coming from. It was as if he were under a spell. The fire was back in his veins, roaring louder and hotter than he could bear.

The cold outside was no match for the heat in his cheeks as he pulled Patton onto his bed with him. They had both slept next to each other before. He knew that this time was different. This was more. This was further than he had ever thought he would go in his life.

Before Patton, he was content. Before Patton, he was fine without having a companionship outside of friendship. Before Patton, he could breathe on his own. Before Patton, he had only the bare minimum to get through life. Before Patton, he only needed the stars in his eyes in order to stave off loneliness. Before Patton, he was incomplete.

With Patton, he knew what it was like to step into the sunlight. With Patton, he was never alone. With Patton, he had warmth in his bed for the winter. With Patton, even his home reflected the utter joy he felt every second he spent thinking about his love. With Patton, he didn’t need the stars. With Patton, he wasn’t alone. With Patton, he was in love.

They spent that night blending their bodies into each other. Logan had no idea how he had got on without those feelings in the past. With each new touch he put on Patton, he forgot his before. Patton kissed all the cold away from every inch of his skin. They both knew what warmth in the winter felt like, and Logan never wanted to leave his love’s side ever again. They had reached a level of pure intimacy that he knew would destroy his soul if it disappeared.

After he reached the highest of heights, Patton pulled him back down to earth to lay on his shoulder. They stayed in bed for a while, tracing their fingers over each other’s bodies. He gazed at the sweaty brown curls resting on his chest. They laid in peaceful quiet, taking in the first breaths of fresh air since their first kiss.

“I never finished decorating the tree, Starlight, and tomorrow’s Christmas.” Patton whispered, looking up at Logan.

Logan couldn’t help but grin at the concern on his, now lover’s face. “Well, there’s always next year to have the chance to finish.”

Patton sighed with a dreamy smile, sitting up to peck a kiss on Logan’s nose. “Well, then I’m going to head to the shower to get cleaned up, wanna join me?”

Logan shook his head, “I need some water before I can even consider leaving the bed.”

Patton brought him a glass of water, then walked to the door before looking over his shoulder to get one last glance at Logan, “Merry Christmas, Starlight.”

“Merry Christmas Sunshine.”

~~~~

Logan never understood the meaning behind the phrase ‘time flies when you’re having fun’. Frankly, he never was able to imagine how time would feel differently passing depending on the activities. Did time move slower for others when they were sad? Did the seconds on the clock tick at a greater speed than he was able to hear? Had everyone been privy to a secret of the way time worked that he was being kept in the dark of? Evidently, yes, because he was surprised that the New Year was just one day away.

Patton had made the plans for the holiday, but was keeping them a secret. It was a miracle he was able to hold it in, because he was so excited every time Logan brought it up. As New Year’s Eve drew closer, it was like Patton was literally vibrating constantly. Though it was endearing the first few days, eventually it was pushing a button on Logan that he didn’t understand. Perhaps it was because he did not like being kept in the dark.

“Hey, Starlight! You ready for tomorrow night?” Patton called as he walked into the door of Logan’s house.

“I don’t know how I could be ready, since I don’t know what our plans are.” Logan snarked.

Patton laughed. “Well, someone is a grumpy gus. Don’t worry, I know you’ll love it.”

Logan just rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone, hoping for a distraction from his heightened annoyance. He didn’t want to hurt Patton’s feelings, he genuinely wanted to be excited, but surprises were hard for him to come to grips with. His family had stopped bothering to surprise him with birthday parties by the time he was five because he would always figure it out.

So why couldn’t he think of a possible way Patton would surprise him?

His boyfriend was such a wild card, he noticed with the seasonal depression being intense it meant that Patton was even more...emotional. Not that he minded, it was just a bit too much for him sometimes. He felt so guilty. He knew it wasn’t Patton’s fault, and truth be told he noticed the vitamin D supplements he gave to his love for Christmas were starting to make a difference.

Patton sat next to him, a dreamy smile on his face. “All I could think about at work was your handsome face.”

Logan huffed, “I hope it didn’t hinder your work.”

“No, it didn’t…” Patton trailed off, “Is something bothering you, Logan?”

Logan put his phone on the coffee table and sighed to himself. It was probably a good idea to get his feelings off of his chest in case it interfered with his reaction to the surprise in store for him. He leaned back to look at Patton, who seemed really nervous. That made it more difficult to form the words he needed.

“I love you, you know this, right?” Patton nodded. “I have been feeling...more irritable lately.”

“Why?” Patton’s eyes were watery already.

“Nothing you’ve done, per se. I just don’t really like surprises, so when you’re reminding me of it constantly it’s been a bit, well, grating on my patience.” He eyed Patton warily, waiting for an emotional response.

Instead, Patton just deflated. “I’m sorry,” he put his face in his hands, “I just wanted to give you a good New Year’s, but the plans weren’t set in stone, and so it was a surprise so I didn’t get your hopes up. I only just got confirmation today...and, and, and,” Patton curled up in a ball, still hiding his face. Though Logan didn’t need to see his lover’s face in order to tell he had started crying.

He took a deep breath, trying to ignore the urge to roll his eyes. He gently laid a hand on Patton’s knee. He reminded himself that winter would be almost over, this season would pass, and he shouldn't be so selfish to ignore his lover’s mental health problems.

“Sunshine, I’m sorry,” he truly was, “I guess I was wrong to assume you were trying to annoy me.”

“Annoy you?!” Patton’s head jerked up, heartbreak starting to form in his eyes.

“No! No, that's not what I-” Logan tried to say.

Patton stood up quickly, backing away. Betrayal took over his face like the dark shadow of an eclipse. Immediately Logan felt colder. Freezing. He knew what was happening. He was going to be put in the dark if he made one wrong move.

This moment came in every couple’s life. The highs crash into a low. The clear skies were replaced with stormy pain. It was the first test to see if they would make it.

“Patton, Sunshine, please sit down, I’m sorry,” he pleaded.

Patton smiled, but it was empty. He shook his head, dismissing Logan’s apology. “I should have known. I should have known you were no different from the others.”

Logan stood up. “Please don’t say that,” he whispered, “please don’t.”

His lover wiped the tears off of his face. “I’m sorry. I guess I thought I was better with you. I guess I thought I could be different with you. I guess I thought,” he tried to close his eyes to stop the tears, “I guess I thought I’d get to do what I wanted tomorrow night.”

Patton made his way to the door. Logan moved as quickly as he could. His tears fogged up his glasses but he didn’t care. He caught Patton’s sleeve and he got down on his knees. I can’t lose him, he thought to himself.

“I can’t lose you Sunshine. Please don’t leave. Please, I’m sorry I used the wrong word. I promise you weren’t-” he let the tears fall, exposing his heart, “I love you.”

Patton looked down at him. The fire in his eyes that Logan was used to was burning him, and for once it was painful. It wasn’t the comforting warmth he was used to, it wasn’t the fiery passion he needed. It was painful. His skin was burning and it was at the hands of Patton.

He leaned his forehead against his lover’s hand. “Please. I’m sorry. Please. I’m sorry.” he repeated over and over, a prayer for mercy.

Patton opened the door, took his hand from Logan, and pulled something out of his jacket pocket. “I’m going to go for a walk. Here’s your stupid... annoying, surprise.” he tossed a small box into Logan’s hands and slammed the door.

The small item burned a hole through his hands. He stayed there, on his knees, waiting for Patton to return like the loyal dog he was. He couldn’t believe what he’d done. One slip up, one misspoken word, one poorly timed comment- and his heart was shattered.

Tears were flowing freely from his face. This was the pain he had tried to avoid for thirty years. For years, he avoided attraction and courtship, in fear of what he was feeling. Kneeling at the door, waiting for Patton’s return.

He looked down at the box. It was a small black box wrapped in dark blue ribbon. He undid the ribbon, lifted the lid, and put a hand to his mouth to keep himself from screaming.

Inside the container was another box, obviously from a jeweler. Logan knew it’s contents before he opened it. He still needed to know. He needed Patton’s love and this was the closest he could get. Holding his breath in, he lifted the lid of the jewelers box. Inside was the most beautiful ring he had ever seen. Three deep blue sapphires set against a sterling silver band.

All thoughts of how early it was in their relationship never came. Just barely over four months seemed perfect to him in that moment. This ring gave him hope-hope that Patton would return to him to hear his answer. He lifted it out of the box with shaky, pale fingers. There was an inscription.

My Starlight

Logan tried to put the ring on his ring finger, it was a bit too loose, of course, Patton didn’t know his ring size. So he put it on his middle finger. It fit just fine. So close, but so so far.

He moved himself to the couch, still staring at the ring. He whispered a prayer to any of the stars above that Patton would return.

The stars must have burnt out in the night, because he never did. That night, or the next. So with new heartbreak came a new year.

525,600 Minutes

Spring

Springtime was usually a sign to Patton that the dark days were over. The sun making its way out of the storm clouds was the message to him that he survived. Every flower bud told him he made it past the winter. This year, however, he didn’t respond. The season coming in was a lie.

It was just another early spring sunrise peeking into his window. It was February 7th. One more week until Valentine’s day. If he had just not been so quick to overreact, he’d be where he belonged. Waking up to the bare bit of sun with the only person who would enjoy it enough. Instead, he woke up in his apartment. His dark, messy, lonely apartment.

Like he had done every morning since the mistake, he went to his fridge to search for a beer. He had been sober for two years when he had met...him. He had finally gotten a job that he was good enough at to stick with. He had finally had all the pieces of the puzzle complete. Perhaps he jinxed himself by trying to rush into the next step of his life. Maybe by buying the ring so soon, he had set in stone the doom he knew would come.

That’s why he walked out. He knew he had already corrupted the only good thing in his life. He was so disgusted with himself. So...icky. He felt wrong. That day he cemented that fact with slipping up. Without Logan, without his steady presence, he kept slipping further down the rabbit hole.

Work had stopped calling him to come in, and after two weeks he got an email saying that he had been terminated, and to come in to collect his last paycheck. He never did. Let Skye keep her money.

However, he was disappointed when he was confronted with an empty fridge. He used the last little bit of his savings to cover rent. He felt anxiety grip his chest. He knew he needed to go pick up that check after all.

He didn’t bother changing into suitable clothes. His clothes were all dirty anyways. He just put his cardigan on over his pajamas. Grabbing his wallet and phone, he left.

The light outside was too bright. The false reminder that hope was right around the corner. He put his hand up to block the sun. To block the truth. To block the facts that he was screwing up royally.

He always walked as much as he could. He did have a car, he just chose to walk whenever he could. When he was in the rehab program a year ago, they had told him walking was a good way to distract from the troubles that tempted him to drink. What an irony that he was now using that to go get what he needed to keep going down the rabbit hole. He wondered to himself if he ever did tell Logan that he was an alcoholic. Probably not. He had been too open already, and he didn’t need Logan to pretend to worry about him more.

He frowned as he came up to the coffee shop. There was a reason he avoided the place. It was a harsh reminder to what once was. What was a building full of new opportunities became a building of false hope. He planned to go in as quick as possible then leave as soon as the money was in his hands.

The bell rang above his head as he entered. He remembered the way it rang when Logan had walked through the door. Now, the ring was a shout ringing in his head about how wrong he was.

He walked up to the counter to see Skye, the owner herself, running the counter. Worry filled her eyes as she took in Patton’s appearance. “Wow, Patton, are you okay?” she asked, concern lacing her voice like a thick fog.

He smiled, feeling more hollow, “Yeah, just a lazy day. I’m here for the check.”

She didn’t seem convinced, and he couldn’t blame her. “Yeah, I’ll get it in about fifteen minutes when it’s my turn for break. Why don’t you sit down and wait?”

Patton just shrugged and sat at the table in the corner by the window. Their table. He was a masochist. Maybe the promise of this spring was the promise to remind him of his failures. Failure to stay sober. Failure to to dress himself properly. Failure to keep a job. Failure to keep-

Almost as if the universe were out to punish him further, the bell above the door rang. He saw the slicked back black hair and quickly turned his back to the counter. Please, please don’t see me like this.

He heard the usual order come from Logan. He almost felt the twitch in his fingers to put the order in the register.

He barely heard Skye say something else to Logan. Hoping to himself that she wasn’t pointing him out. He knew this was not going to be the case. Skye cared about them both. She wanted to make sure her friends were okay.

He didn’t want Logan to see him like this. Broken, small, a failure. He curled up in the booth, painfully aware that he and Logan were the only ‘customers’. He knew the moment Logan saw him because he could feel that familiar warmth of his gaze on his shoulder. He closed his eyes. He didn’t need to cry. It was over. He didn’t need to cry. It was over. That’s why he needed to cry, though. It was over.

“Hello, Patton.” Logan greeted.

Patton turned to see Logan standing above him. Logan looked very put together. He looked normal. His clothes were neat, his hair was tidy, and he was carrying his iced coffee like when they first met. It was like being taken back to the past. However, it was a dulled reflection. Logan’s blue eyes weren’t lit up with curiosity, they were iced over. His mouth wasn’t twitching up into a smile, his face was extremely neutral. While Patton’s appearance screamed and outed his heartbreak, Logan’s heartbreak was just a whisper.

“Hi.” It took everything in his power to not call him Starlight.

Logan gestured to the booth, silently questioning if he would sit. Patton just nodded.

Logan sat across from him, a sigh escaped from their lips both. Patton had already started to feel Logan’s grounding presence. For the first time in over a month, he felt hope. Was this the promise of spring?

“I’d ask how you are doing, but I can tell by the silence between us after you left, and your appearance, you are not doing well.” Logan remarked with no tact.

Patton looked out the window. There were couples walking by, children walking with parents. Every single one had a smile on their face, glancing up at the sky. Patton saw that spring had blessed them with kept promises.

“I’m not. I’m not okay one bit,” Patton started, “I don’t have any excuse, or reason, and frankly I’m still a bit drunk from last night so I’m not sober enough to talk about this.” He cringed at that last remark. Logan didn’t know. They had so little time he never told. He didn’t have enough time to tell him everything.

He risked a glance to see Logan nodding with pursed lips. There was a moment of intense silence before Logan started to talk, “I don’t blame you, you know. I don’t hate you, either, and looking at you now after the month that’s passed just shows me that you hold as much pain as I do.”

Patton closed his eyes, “You clearly don’t seem to be in as much pain as me.”

Logan slammed his fist on the table, causing Patton to jump. “Bullshit, Patton.” Patton took in a breath. The ice cold exterior had broken and Logan was spilling over his raging river of anger. “Do you know how long I waited by the door? Do you know how long I stayed home, waiting for you? Do you know how often I called? I may not hate or blame you, because with all this pain I still love you, but I sure as hell am pissed.” Logan’s stare was more intoxicating than anything Patton had consumed.

“I know,” Patton said simply. “Where’s the ring?” he asked, looking at Logan’s bare hands. He hadn’t held any expectations, but it still hurt to see the reminder of what he threw away.

Logan loosened his tie and pulled out a chain, and on it the ring. “It didn’t fit, and I wanted to wait to resize it until you came back.”

He could no longer hold back his tears. Seeing that Logan still held onto hope while Patton threw all of his away showed him just how far he had strayed. He wished so badly he was redeemable enough to go back to the way it was before. He felt so wrong. He leaned his head in his hands. The fog cleared his mind with every sob that escaped from him. He saw the mess he had created. He saw his overreaction to everything. He saw that Logan still carried hope, possibly for them both.

He noticed when Logan had reached over and started to stroke his hair. The way his curls fit around Logan’s fingers made him feel homesick. He used one of his hands to reach across the table, and with no hesitance Logan grasped him. “I’m so sorry, Logan.” he got out.

“I forgive you, Sunshine.” Logan said gruffly. Patton looked up to see Logan was also crying, just more quietly than him. “Please tell me what happened? Please tell me where you went? Just tell me why you never came back.”

The pleas actually reached Patton’s heart. The storm clouds had parted in his mind. He calmed himself down and sat up.

Before he could start to explain, Skye came up to them with an envelope in her hands. She just set it on the table and patted Patton’s shoulder. Her green eyes were filled with pity, and he noticed her go to the door and switch the sign to ‘CLOSED’. He was silently grateful for the privacy she was giving them. He didn’t deserve her kindness after the way he treated the job she had given him.

“Okay,” he breathed out, “Okay.”

Logan sat there, waiting for a response. “I guess,” he started, “I guess I was afraid. I was afraid that I had messed it all up. I didn’t want to give you that ring in the way I did. I was afraid, so I slipped up when I left. I went to the bar,” he closed his eyes in shame, “I went to the bar after two years of being sober. Then when I woke up the next day, not knowing where I was, just in some abandoned house...I hadn’t been that low in years.

I didn’t want to face you after that. We hadn’t even talked much about who I was before you. I couldn’t tell you like that. I couldn’t show you my dark side like...that. So I didn’t. I didn’t, then I just stopped trying to get through it all. I stopped caring,” he choked, “I stopped caring about the progress I threw away. So I threw the hope I held for our future away too.”

He stopped when Logan grasped both of his hands. Logan’s eyes weren’t full of judgment, or pity, or even anger. He still looked so in love it hurt Patton even more. He wanted Logan to be angry with him. “Why aren’t you angry with me yet?”

“Why should I be?” Logan asked, “Why should I punish you more than you’ve already punished yourself?”

Patton shrugged, not knowing how to respond to that logic. He sighed. He didn’t know what to do, he never thought he’d be this close to Logan ever again.

Logan started rubbing his thumbs over Patton’s hands. “Come home with me, Sunshine. I can’t- I can’t bear to see you like this. Please.” It wasn’t a question. It was near a demand.

Patton smiled softly at the man in front of him. He was nowhere near okay, but the promise of spring was that they will both be there someday.

He agreed, “Okay, Starlight.”

Logan hung his head in relief. “It’s so good to hear you say that, Patton.”

~~~~

Patton woke up shaking. He hadn’t been able to stop shaking for three days. He did not miss the withdrawal. He was shaky, he was anxious, and he had been vomiting non stop. His body ached, and he was on day 6 of being sober.

Logan had to go back to work after the first two days since Patton had come back to his house. He left the school’s number on the coffee table, bathroom mirror, fridge, and bedroom door. Reminders that he wasn’t alone. He didn’t want to be an annoyance again, but Logan insisted that he wasn’t. There was a strain in his voice whenever he reminded Patton of this.

Patton tried to stand to head to the bathroom, but he wobbled. Dizziness came in waves along with the headache. He rubbed his cheek to get some feeling in his face. He felt numb. He kept going in between numbness, and extreme emotions. He felt like he was going crazy. He stumbled toward the black curtains. He peeked outside to see it was raining. He sighed, the weather was matching his mood.

He grabbed some of his clothes from the floor. Getting dressed sent pins and needles up his legs. He felt so miserable, and without Logan there, he felt cold. Taking baby steps hurt. It was definitely a fitting punishment for him.

He made it downstairs with no problem. He wanted to check the kitchen for food since he was hungry, but he knew it was pointless. He saw the spot on the kitchen floor where he had thrown up the chicken noodle soup Logan had made for him the night before. There was no indication of his sickness, Logan had been cleaning up for him with infinite patience. Patton felt a pang of guilt as he walked into the living room.

He sat on the couch, reaching for the now clean puke bowl Logan assigned to him. On the coffee table next to the sticky note of the phone number, was another note.

Please don’t hesitate to call me if you need. Also, if you can, please consider what you would like to do for Valentine’s Day tomorrow.

Patton started to tear up. Just last week he hadn’t thought he’d be spending Valentine’s day with his boyfriend. He thought he’d be back at the bar, probably hooking up with someone else to curb the loneliness he had felt. Instead, he was shivering, drowsy, and anxious. He was back at the beginning of recovery. This time, though, it was different.

Spring had brought him the promise that he didn’t need to be alone anymore. The rain outside was a healing one, washing away the wounds of his past to strengthen the budding future between him and Logan. He thought about what he wanted to do tomorrow. He didn’t want to go out, while so far that morning he was a bit stronger, he wasn’t strong enough to handle an outing. He thought about maybe staying in and watching a movie. It was boring, but he hoped Logan didn’t mind.

Logan, who didn’t deserve any of what Patton had given him since the new year. Logan, who had become so soft, so much more sensitive because of Patton. Logan, who he heard crying in bed when he thought Patton was asleep. Logan, who looked at Patton like he was a dream. Logan, who left sticky notes and was willing to be bothered at work than have Patton leave again.

It was too much, Patton thought to himself. Too much to think of by himself. He hadn’t been able to thank Logan properly, or talk properly, since the withdrawal had started. Logan had gone to his apartment to gather his things, and made sure Patton’s car was still safe in the building’s garage. Patton didn’t even ask to move in, he had just stayed because he was too weak to go back to his place. Logan didn’t seem to mind.

Sweet Logan. His comfort. His boyfriend. Was he? Were they back together? Doubt crept into his mind again. What if Logan was letting him stay there because he felt bad for him? What if Logan was crying at night because he was too hurt to have Patton lay in his bed with him?

Before he knew it, he had dialed the work phone number in his cell to call. He was shaking really bad. He wasn’t throwing up, and he could technically move on his own, but he didn’t want to be alone. He couldn’t be alone. He needed Logan to reassure him that it was going to be okay. He needed Logan to remind him of the promise of spring.

The office had connected him to Logan’s classroom phone. A student picked up, “Room 48, who is it?”

Patton tried to speak through the shakes, “A family f-f-friend. It’s an emergency, c-c-c-can I sp-sp-speak to L-Logan?”

The student didn’t verbally answer, but two seconds later he heard his voice on the line. His shakes started to subside a tiny bit as he took in Logan’s soothing voice. “What’s wrong?”

“I c-can’t st-stop shak-k-king” he stuttered out. He was trying to curl up in a ball as his stomach churned. “C-could y-you come hom-m-me early?”

Logan sighed on the line, and Patton’s anxiety skyrocketed. He caught Logan at a bad time. He was going to be bothered and cranky and-

“Give me thirty minutes, is that sufficient or do you need someone there sooner?” Logan didn’t sound annoyed, just concerned.

“Thirty is f-fine,” Patton whispered into the phone.

“I’ll see you then.” Logan promised, then promptly hung up the phone.

Patton just laid there on the couch and let the tears stream down his face. He was too tired and cold to sob. He reached for a blanket and pulled it over his head. He closed his eyes, and next thing he knew he was asleep again.

He woke up a bit later to Logan shaking his shoulder. “Patton. Patton, could you wake up for me?” Concern was lacing his voice which encouraged Patton to try to respond.

“Yes, Logan?” he responded sleepily. He was so tired, he wanted to go back to sleep. He couldn’t help himself and fell back asleep despite Logan’s protests. His voice was like a fading echo as Patton drifted off. Sleeping kept the headache at bay.

His eyes fluttered open to the sound of heavy boots walking toward him, and there was a flashlight in his face. He noticed on the ceiling there were blue and red lights, and a radio was playing a ton of voices. In the back of his mind he knew there was an ambulance.

He wanted to say something, but instead fell back asleep. Or was it sleep? Was the sleep actually him passing out? It might have been.

Next time he woke up there was a pain in his elbow. He opened his eyes slowly, and he definitely was not on the couch. He didn’t need to ask anyone to know he was in the ER. It wasn’t his first time. He saw the pain in his elbow was an IV, probably fluids. He looked to the other side of his bed to see Logan scrolling on his phone with one hand, and holding Patton’s hand in the other.

Logan heard Patton’s head turn, and looked up. Without a word he stood up and kissed Patton with such passion he might have passed out again just from the butterflies in his stomach. He tasted the salt in Logan’s tears. He was suddenly aware of how dry his own lips were, and his tongue, and his throat.

Logan broke the kiss to lean his forehead on Patton’s. “Thank you so much for calling me home, though I would like for you to refrain from giving me anymore heart attacks this year.”

They both dissolved into hysterical giggles. Logan kept kissing Patton all over his face. Patton couldn’t help but laugh. They continued the playfulness until a nurse walked in.

“Good to see you awake, sir. Could you tell me what you remember?” the nurse asked while swiping a card in a scanner by the computer.

Patton told him of how he had stopped drinking the week prior, how he had been having some pretty bad withdrawal, and how he had managed to call Logan before ‘falling asleep’. Logan held his hand through it all, encouraging him to continue when he was too embarrassed. Once he was done, the nurse checked his vitals and walked out.

Patton looked at Logan, blushing. “Sorry for all the trouble, Starlight.”

“Don’t despair Sunshine,” Logan raised a brow, “However, when I requested you consider where you wanted to go for Valentine’s day, this was not what I had in mind.”

Patton furrowed his brow until Logan showed him the time; twelve fifteen am.

Patton giggled again, ignoring the way his abs clenched in pain. “Oops, happy Valentine’s Day I guess.”

Logan just chuckled and shook his head. They both kissed one more time, not caring about the setting they were in. They were together again.

~~~~

May had come, and Patton was happy. The spring rains had stopped so the flowers were blooming everywhere. He loved seeing the flowers in the park open. The world was back to being full of bold colors. The promise of spring had been fulfilled. He was okay again.

He had just finished his interview with Skye. Skye, the ever so patient and caring friend, told him that once he made it to six months sober he could have his job back. Patton readily agreed to the deal. It was more than what he thought he would get.

He was on his way to his usual Thursday 3:15pm appointment. He had an exercise he’d been trying out to see if it helped his mood. On his way to the clinic, he’d make a mental list of three things that held beauty. It could not be the same three things each week. It had been working, and it made him more observant overall.

This week’s three things were: the last flower on the rose bush outside of Logan’s house was blooming, the bookstore had a new display in the window, and there was a golden retriever tied to a bike rack outside the barber shop. The dog had greeted him excitedly, and looking at his watch he had a few minutes to talk to the dog.

“Aw, you’re so gorgeous. I wish I could say hi longer, but I have an appointment to get to. You are adorable, and I hope you also have a good day.” He spent some more seconds petting the dog, and when he made to stand up the dog licked his hand. Bonus beautiful thing.

He made it to the building at 3:05 pm. It was a smaller, green building that sat between a thrift store and sushi bar. Patton wasn’t one for fish, but he knew Logan was. He wanted to take Logan to sushi, but he was going to wait until his first paycheck after returning to work. It was one more thing to motivate him to keep moving forward.

When he was called back to the office, he couldn’t stop grinning to himself. The room was decorated with all of his favorite cartoon characters. When he had first started coming to therapy, he was pretty shy. He had been through it before, and after a while it had gotten too predictable. He knew what he was supposed to do, and when he reached a year sober he wanted to try on his own.

Logan had brought up therapy as an idea, just to help with recovery since relapsing. The doctor was apparently a volunteer at the middle school, after being a grief counselor for the students after their classmate’s death in November. Logan had talked with the doctor when Patton had left. Naturally, Patton was hesitant at first. After a week of Logan talking incessantly about him needing therapy, he gave in. He couldn’t resist his boyfriend’s pleas for long. He learned that the hard way.

He sat on the black sofa, smiling at the Finding Dory poster behind the doctor’s desk. It was only a moment later when the doctor came in.

“Hello, Patton! Do you how do?” the man cheerfully greeted.

Patton grinned in response. They had only had four sessions together, but the rapport was such a good fit. “Hi Dr. Picani, I’m alright. I saw a dog on my way here.”

The therapist gasped, “Was it adorable?”

“Aren’t all dogs?” Patton posed. They both started laughing.

Dr. Picani sighed in relief. “So, what are your threes?”

“Well, the dog I met today. There was also a new display in the bookstore. The last one is that the rose bush in our yard bloomed the last bud.” Patton sighed dreamily, he had taken to tending to the yards since he had the time on his hands. He wasn’t very experienced, but the last rosebud blooming helped boost his confidence.

The therapist couldn’t stop smiling. “Would you like to explore those, or would you like to talk about something else?”

“Well,” Patton squirmed, “Kinda both? I noticed something when thinking about the rose bush.”

“Alright, I’m listening.” Picani grabbed his pencil and notepad.

“In February, when I was at my low point, I had told myself that springtime’s promises of new hope were lies. I had messed up something I loved, I had thrown away two years of sobriety, I mean,” he tried to correct himself. His last session they had worked on the reminder that relapse is a part of recovery. It just meant he had a new goal to reach, and did not discount the proof that he was capable. “That’s what I had thought.”

“When I was in high school, the only reason I tried to push through my struggles in winter was that lovely reminder that I was one day closer to Spring’s Promise,” he smiled to himself, “I’d get to see the flowers bloom.”

“I see,” the therapist nodded, “So the rose budding was a reminder that you had survived another cold winter?”

“Yes!” Patton exclaimed. It was nice to have a therapist who understood him this well.

Dr. Picani scribbled some notes on his pad, then looked up at Patton. “What was this spring’s specific promise? What made you think that this year the promise was a lie?”

Patton looked down at his lap. He had trouble finding the words he needed, and the doctor waited patiently. “I suppose...well I suppose this year the promise was that I was one step closer to, to, well…” Patton rubbed his face and chuckled nervously, “Sorry, I don’t know why I can’t say it.”

“It’s okay, Patton,” Dr. Picani assured softly, “You are safe here.”

Patton nodded. He was safe. He was safe, and he was okay, and he was alive. “That was the promise.”

All the man across from him could muster was an eyebrow raise.

“The promise was I would be safe. I would be secure. Secure in my relationship, in my job, in my sobriety- the promise of this spring was that I was safe. Then…” he trailed off, tears starting to form when the bad feelings in his chest started to resurface when he thought about it. He took the box of tissues Dr. Picani offered. “Thank you. Then I made one mistake and all of that safety was thrown away. The worst part is that I was the one who did the throwing.”

Dr. Picani nodded, adding some more notes on his pad. “Have you ever heard of self-sabotage?”

Patton scoffed, “Yeah, it’s probably the most popular phrase in rehab centers.”

“Hm. Do you know why that is?” Patton shook his head no, so the doctor elaborated, “A lot of people with addictions tend to self sabotage. When someone who gets the life they had always dreamed of, well they tend to have doubts about whether they really deserve it. Does that sound familiar to you?”

Patton nodded, starting to make connections, “So when the doubt comes in, it can be easy to blow one small bad thing into something huge?” He asked.

“Exactly! So when an inevitable, minor miscommunication happens, it can reaffirm that doubt. What is your first instinct when you feel afraid?”

Patton scrunched his eyebrows in deep thought. What was his first reaction? Obviously he ran away, but that was his first action. What was his first response when afraid?

“Hide. I want to hide, and I want to escape. I want to avoid it,” he answered.

“Why is that, do you think?” the therapist tapped his pencil against his chin in thought.

“Hm. I guess because it’s less painful. Drinking was my escape for a while...but then it didn’t last. It just caused more pain.” Patton looked the doctor in the eyes. “Is that why I ran from Logan that day?”

“I don’t know, you tell me,” the other man responded, in classic therapist fashion.

Patton laughed a bit at that trope. Shaking the thought out of his head, he focused back on answering the question. “It is. I wanted to hide from the pain of our first real fight.”

Patton felt a release off of his shoulders when he made the confession. Realizing that the promise of spring was never broken, it was just delayed. He had been seeking security in all of the wrong places. He felt the final piece of the puzzle fall into place. Spring’s promise had been kept.

He came home right after Logan. Without hesitance he pounced onto his love and planted a kiss on the man’s lips. He held the man in his arms and felt the roots from autumn continue to grow beneath them. He was no longer scared of ruining it all. He felt secure in himself to be able to handle whatever challenges came his way.

Logan pulled back, a puzzled smile on his face, “It’s nice to see you too, Sunshine. What was that for though?”

Patton laughed and wrapped his arms around Logan. “I feel safe with you. Thank you for being my constant. Today I realized you’re as steady and eternal as the stars,” He planted another kiss, “Hm, maybe that’s why I call you my Starlight.”

Logan smirked against his lips. “I hate to break it to you, but the light of the stars we see are probably a result of the distance the light traveled. Some believe the stars we see have actually died.”

Patton giggled and playfully slapped Logan’s shoulder. “Shut up and let me be romantic.”

They kissed once more, smiling the whole time.

525,600 Minutes

August was almost over. Logan was very aware of what day it was for him and Patton. He couldn’t stop pacing in the living room while he waited for Patton to return from work. He had everything set up just right. There were candles flickering in the living room with the lights dimmed. He had gotten over his fears of what he had planned, mostly.

He and Patton had never fully discussed what his ring meant. At the time, it was meant to be an engagement ring. The reasoning being a bit extreme for Logan, and the fallout after, made him hesitant to accept an engagement. He still wore the ring on his neck. It was a reminder. It was a promise. He never took it off, up until that moment.

He was still pacing when Patton walked in. Patton’s brown eyes widened in astonishment at the setup. “Logan, Starlight, this is-this is magical.”

Logan cleared his throat nervously, and adjusted his glasses. “I uh, I have something I need to tell you. Let us sit on the couch?”

Patton nodded and sat down obediently. Logan wanted to sit, but he decided at the last minute it was better to stand and pace. It helped bring his thoughts together. “Patton, on this day last year I took a chance. I kissed you, and I have kissed you many times since.”

Patton nodded, “Yeah, that’s kind of what boyfriends do.”

Logan blushed, and stopped pacing to look at Patton. Looking at Patton, his lover, his light, his everything. If he had doubts before, he didn’t then. Patton’s curls in the candlelight made him see more clearly than he had a year prior. What was only mere suspicion was now a proven fact. He was ready.

Logan hesitantly, slowly knelt before Patton. A gasp escaped from the lips of the angel. The angel that was once a mystery. His beautiful, wonderful Sunshine. “In December, when you ran, I wasn’t ready. After we rejoined in February, you weren’t ready. Neither was I, truth be told. However, now I see you. You’re thriving. You’re shining brighter every day.”

Logan pulled his ring, the ring Patton had given him, out of his pocket and put it on his own ring finger.

Patton had tears streaming down his face. Rivers covering the freckles on his face. “It- it fits now?”

Logan nodded. “I had it resized, the same day I purchased this,” he pulled a ring box out of his other pocket. It was identical to the one he had received all those months ago from Patton.

Patton covered his mouth to quiet his happy sobs. Logan cleared his throat once more. He wanted to speak clearly. “You said one year ago that my affection was a rare honor that I had given to you. Would you be so kind as to return that honor, and marry me?”

Logan opened the ring box, showing a ring nearly identical to his. However, the sapphires were replaced with yellow topaz. Patton wiped the tears from his eyes, revealing a smile. He reached for the box to pull out the ring. He put it up to read the inscription.

“My Sunshine.” they spoke in unison.

Patton put the ring on, “How did you know to get the right size?” he asked.

Logan chuckled. “I had figured that you used your own finger as a measurement for mine.” They shared a laugh before Logan hesitantly asked, “So is this a…?”

Patton launched himself at Logan, knocking him over so they ended up tangled on the floor. Logan let out a grunt of surprise that seemed quiet compared to Patton’s scream of “Yes! Yes, yes, yes my Starlight!”

They embraced, laying on the floor in the candle light. They kissed each other all over. The two, Logan and Patton, the lights of the stars and the sun, had finally seen each other clearly.

They both laid there, staring at their hands, both wearing their matching rings. A fitting finale to their first seasons of love, and a fitting beginning to the rest of their years together.

Let me know if you wanna be added to the taglist of any of my ships!

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

Communication Issues (AT:TTSIMBCMEOAYSFIL)- Chapter Two

Ao3,   MasterPost,   Chapter One, Chapter Three

Relationships: (eventual) Romantic Analogince

I’m finally back from my impromptu hiatus!!! My laptop, like, just fuckin broke... but now I’ve got a new one so it’s okay!!! And the first thing I did with it was make these little characters Hurt.

Warnings: Repressing Emotions (k i n d a), food mention, self-isolation/avoiding one’s friends, general angst, cursing, unreliable narrator (maybe??? by that I mean Logan is stupid and has no idea what’s actually going on.) 

Word Count: 5,244

To the best of your knowledge, the three of you are close. To see the facts: you, Roman, and Virgil spend the majority of your time together, partaking in a number of activities that all of you find fun. Comparing your time with them to how much you see, say, a friend like Janus- it becomes apparent that the three of you ought to be considered ‘best friends’. 

However, you had preferred to be 100% certain of this, as you like to be with all things. It was a few weeks after Roman’s New Idea when you finally gave in to this preference (more of a need, really). You asked outright the nature of your dynamic with them.

Roman laughed at you. The abashment you felt was, unfortunately, a very familiar thing.

‘Is the idea of us being best friends really so humorous?’ you challenged, masking the sting you felt with indignation. Virgil had elbowed Roman sharply, explaining to him that you were seriously asking. His laughter stopped at once. ‘Of course we are,’ he’d said. ‘I thought you were kidding, because it seemed so obvious,’ he’d continued. 

All you could manage was a small ‘Oh’. 

So, yes, you’ve determined that your bond is more meaningful than on average. That hardly irks you; it’s a positive thing, in fact. It’s been good for you to have some kind of affection, even if the thought still makes you want to roll your eyes. It’s what’s just beyond that affection that’s causing an itching beneath your skin when the three of you ‘hang out’, as you so often do. That itching, those crawling little mites figuratively burrowed under your skin- it’s all been prevalent in your interactions over the past weeks.

Go over the facts, then, Logan. 

Fact one: You aren’t used to intimate friendships.

Fact two: You have established an intimate friendship with Roman and Virgil

Fact(?) three: Roman and Virgil’s intimacy with each other is quickly turning away from ‘friendship’.

This brings you to the evidence, which gets a little fuzzier; some conclusions might have been jumped to, but you find that irrelevant.

Evidence (?): They share these Looks. A Look when Roman says something abhorrently stupid, but when Virgil jumps to insult him he sounds nothing but adoring. A Look when Virgil comes up with a particularly creative biting remark, and while Roman is just as quick to fire back with a playful tease of his own, there’s that obvious elated expression of pride that he holds just for the anxious trait. 

That on it’s own wouldn’t amount to much, you’ll admit, but you’ve always been a careful observer of body language (out of necessity, given how words fail you when there’s subtext to be found). Their hands brush frequently, to the point where it cannot possibly be incidental. They not-so-subtly lean into each other when they probably think you aren’t looking- though perhaps you shouldn’t be looking anyway. While you are well-accustomed to platonic physical affection in not only your relationships with the two of them, but with all of your ‘coworkers’ (the bulk of it coming from Patton and Remus, predictably), Virgil and Roman’s physical affection exudes such romantic tension that you’re surprised Roman himself isn’t going haywire, because of the overload of feelings that fall into his area of expertise.

Your third piece of evidence comes from just last night. You’d returned from the kitchen, arms loaded with snacks for you all to share, only to find Roman threading his fingers through Virgil’s hair while the embodiment of anxiety carefully sketched on a folded sheet of paper. Virgil’s eyes had flicked up briefly, widening when he saw you as though you hadn’t only left the room for seven minutes and twenty-three seconds.

“Oh, hey,” he greeted with a tiny wave. Something odd and envious and just a bit bitter simmered in your chest, but you denied it whatever it seemed to be hissing for. You gave your friend a nod, setting down the food you’d brought onto the coffee table and seating yourself a good few feet from him and Roman on the couch. 

“V and I got bored waiting,” Roman explained, “So we’re doing a little art collaboration. The rule is that we aren’t allowed to see what the other one draws until it’s done!” He seemed enthusiastic about the game, and Virgil was clearly invested in his work. You saw no reason to interrupt them, quietly deeming your original plan to watch blue planet together defunct. But you could still contribute to this new activity! You knew plenty of art history, thankfully.

“There’s actually a name for that- it’s called Exquisite Corpse. The term was coined by surrealist artists in 1925.”

Roman waved his hand, almost dismissive, and your heart- figuratively- sank. 

“Yeah, yeah, in Paris, I already know. Yves Tanguy, Marcel Duchamp, et cetera et cetera. Art’s my whole thing, remember? Do you wanna play or not?”

“Oh, I- I don’t care for drawing,” you have never understood and will likely never understand most forms of visual art. 

Roman shrugged, but before he could respond Virgil was folding up the piece of paper and handing it to him, blank side up. The vigilant trait pushed his bangs back and shook out his shaggy hair, which stuck up at odd angles due to Roman’s tangling.

“Whatever you want, L. You can put on that documentary you were talking about now,” Virgil said, reaching for the food piled up on the table. Your first instinct had been to agree, of course, and get back to the original plan for the day. As you took the remote, however, you couldn’t help but notice just how close they sat, plenty apart from you. It felt like a fitting analogy- and you’ve always had distaste for analogies.

“That’s alright,” a lie, “I’m feeling rather restless now- I think it would be best if I got some work done with this energy,” a half-truth. 

You’d left before they could respond, trying to ignore the envy seething under your skin. It didn’t even make sense- you hated having your hair touched! While the history was interesting, Surrealist art did nothing but frustrate you! You don’t like drawing games, or people’s hands on your face, for goodness’ sake. 

Presently, you stare up at your ceiling and reflect on your friendship, feeling it all start to click. You do not want it to click. You push your glasses up on your forehead and press the heels of your hands against your eyelids, soaking in the ache that results from the pressure. You’re so fucking sick of thinking, thinking, thinking- but the other option is leaving your room- which you’ll have to do very soon anyway- and interacting with other people.

It’s easier to handle with everyone else around to distract you, rather than just Virgil and Roman. Easier, but not easy. You groan, pushing yourself into a sitting position and letting your glasses fall back into place. You cannot just stew here forever, much as you’d like to.

Yet- It doesn’t make sense. You don’t want to see Virgil and Roman, sitting as close as they do now, dancing around each other so frustratingly. But you want to be around them so much that you feel you can’t help it, desperate to be caught between them like usual. But, no, you don’t!

You wish they could figure themselves out and actually get together, to save everyone the headache- but is that even really what you want? For them to officially be romantically involved, thereby distancing themselves from you even further? And then you’ll truly be the ‘third wheel’, as it were? 

What do you want, you ask yourself repeatedly.

  For things to go back to normal, you answer yourself. 

You shake your head, no, because what does that even mean? Do you want them to not have feelings for each other, just so they’ll pay more attention to you? Now that doesn’t add up at all, because first and foremost you want them to be happy. Happy, and also spending time with you as much as each other. Yes, that’s closer to the point, you think. You want that closeness to be equal between the three of you, that makes perfect sense. So, logically, it follows that what you want is-

What you want is… 

God, no, God, your eyes widen and your fists clench and, fuck, you almost shake as you try to hold back the encroaching realization.

You want-

There’s a knock at the door. 

You breathe shakily, your hands tensing and untensing. There’s a knock at the door. The door of your room, because you are in your room, sitting on your bed. You’re here, and now, and you can breathe.

Dazedly, you stand, moving as though you’re wading through honey. You swallow back whatever feelings had been building in you only for the moment. You aren't willing to actually harm yourself by repressing them, merely holding them at the reigns in order to actually function enough to talk to whoever’s come knocking.

You click the door open, pulling it back to see a worried Patton. You are immeasurably relieved that it is him specifically.

“Heya, Kiddo. It’s been a while since any of us saw you today. I was just coming by to let you know we’re about to start picking a movie for tonight. Do ya feel up to joining us?”

That’s something you appreciate about Patton: he keeps in tune with others’ emotions with almost supernatural accuracy. Remarkably high-empathy being a power granted to him by his aspect, he knew when things were off, and he knew when someone did or did not want to talk about it. He didn’t barge up to your room and throw the door open with the enthusiasm he might usually express if he saw how you were uneasy, knowing that such an action could be overwhelming. Rather, he was checking in, quietly offering you an out if you needed it. 

But you’re about to directly contradict yourself about that appreciation! Because this means that you have to decide what you do; because you maybe kind of want to be forced to see your friends, rather than forcing yourself to avoid them. You aren’t exactly sure you have the strength to be around them on your own, but you can’t imagine a fate worse than isolation in the wake of this emotional discovery that you totally aren’t focusing on right now dammit answer Patton.

“Yes, I must have been a tad preoccupied today. I’ll be down in a moment,” the answer’s out before you think about it. You regret it, and also you don’t. 

Patton grins warmly at you, obviously relieved, and promises to wait for you to head down before they start. He disappears back through the hall and down the staircase in an instant, humming tunelessly as he walks.

It’s only after arriving downstairs that you become entirely sure that you’ve made the wrong choice. Roman is practically in Virgil’s lap, his head tilted into the facet’s neck while they playfully bicker with each other. When he spots you, his head shoots up, and he waves you over. In an amazing example of self-control, you sit one cushion away from the pair.

Throughout the night, you keep your eyes trained to the screen, trying to ignore however sappy Roman and Virgil get. You need space to think about this issue and find a way to solve it, and they need more space from their little tricycle anyway. 

The movies pass in a blur. You think Virgil tries to say something to you before you go upstairs, but you don’t catch it. Your ears are ringing.

<<<???>>><<<???>>><<<???>>>

It’s predictable as hell, considering his semi-self-isolation before The Incident, that Roman is desperate for attention. He’s, in the simplest terms, clingy as fucking fuck. Something that’s mildly less expected than that is just how little you mind it. If you’re honest, with all the hugs and brushes and small comforts, it kinda rocks. Which might be an odd way to describe emotionally and physically intimate friendship, but hey. Shut up. 

You and Roman’ve become a little attached at the hip because of this- though you hold tightly onto the excuse that it’s just cuz you want Roman to get the attention he needs, and totally not because you actually like the affection, too. You know the truth, though. The truth that it all… fulfills something in you, something that’s been craving attention that you didn’t even know about. It’s weird. Not bad, just weird.

You digress; the point is that you and Roman have a Thing With Touching, and that’s not exactly a shocker. Something you’re only recently coming to notice, however, is that this preference is one shared by your other closest friend, Logan. You could’ve sworn he’d be touch averse, and while he definitely has very specific boundaries (he wouldn’t tolerate touches to his hair, neck, or most parts of his legs), he’s exactly the opposite of averse, he’s just way too stubborn to initiate anything or admit it.

Who knew that only knowing a grand total of six other beings for your entire life- most of said beings disliking each other for a good portion of that life- would leave everyone involved more than a little touch-starved? 

Oh well. No time like the present to fix that, you figure. This is all just your long-winded way of saying that whenever you’re in the room with Logic or Creativity, you’re 99% guaranteed to have at least one point of contact with them. 

Which totally wouldn’t be a problem, if you weren’t falling irrevocably in love with both of them. But, unfortunately, you totally are. 

When everything started, it was just Logan. He was too considerate and too goddamn caring not to make you feel things, the bastard. He understands you, almost perfectly, all the time- even though people understanding you completely goes against your aesthetic- and you feel like you get him all the same. In a way, your love for him makes sense. It always has, really, all the way back when he gave you that first glimpse of friendship. It’s always been Logan.

And that all would be horrible enough on its own, but then Roman blind-sided you with his teary eyes and deeply-rooted insecurity. Neither of these are technically ‘attractive’ traits, but dammit if you didn’t find yourself sympathizing to a painful extent. You not only comprehended his (gradually lessening) pain, you’re also surprised to note just how badly you want to help him through it, if only because you knew that you really could help. You can’t bear to watch Roman suffer, because the both of you, despite all the differences, are exactly alike. You find sympathy in his sadness, and affection in his joy. 

It’s disgusting.

The plan was simple; you’d keep all the feelings inside, and then one day you’d die. You’d hold them all at bay and let the infatuation fade to a dull ache against your ribcage, settling into a bittersweet friendship with the two temperamental traits. It’s easy to push down when all six of you spend family time together, hell, you hardly break a sweat when it’s just the three of you, because you can just use one to deflect off the other! You are a fucking pro at ignoring your emotions.

Then movie night happened. You have no clue what specifically did happen, but you’ve managed to track the weird behavior back to that evening. Logan was stiff as a board all night, sitting as far as he could from you and Ro. He didn’t even look back at you when you tried to talk to him before he left. He didn’t answer the door when you tried to check on him later. 

To say that Logan hadn’t left his room since would be a gross oversimplification. Oh, he’s venturing out, alright, but strategically. He comes down for meals. He comes down when Patton, Remus, or occasionally Janus ask for him, indulging them without complaint. Sure, he’s conveniently busy whenever it’s you or Roman knocking, but he’s already done so much with everybody else that day. No one could be concerned, because clearly Logan wasn’t avoiding anything.

Yeah, bullshit. He’s just diverting everybody else’s suspicions, but you know him too well for that.

He doesn’t work in the commons anymore. He doesn’t rise up in the living room, accompanied with a laptop or a kindle or what have you, just to have the quiet company of someone else while he works. He doesn’t seek you out to explain something he read on Tumblr, and from the looks of it, he doesn’t attempt to infodump about poetry with Roman anymore. And the nail in this coffin is this: when you attempt to confront him, he plays dumb. Logan plays dumb.

Logan avoiding you means two things: 1. one of your most trusted friends who you’re absolutely besotted with won’t talk to you, which is its own special kind of agony- and 2. you spend the majority of your time totally alone with the other friend that you are in love with, which is obviously not ideal.

By this point, you are well-acquainted with the various personal problems of your ‘co-workers’. Statistically, at any given point at least one side is having some kind of an emotional crisis. You figure that it’s best to get a headstart on solving this one, before you can talk yourself out of it. 

But obviously you can’t do it alone.

“Roman.”

The side in question shrieks, spinning around hastily with wide eyes. You don’t even blink, staring him down from the kitchen doorway until he has the sense to stop screaming. He cuts himself off with a cough, clearing his throat and returning to whatever it was that he was doing. After an appropriate awkward silence, he shoots you a sheepish smile. 

“Oh, ha- I- I didn’t see you there, Virgil,” he huffs a tiny laugh, his mouth twitching. It’s such a soft little expression, a bit embarrassed but mostly- Dammit, Virgil, you’re here for a reason! Keep it together, you useless homosexual.

“I guessed that, yeah,” you trudge into the room, lifting yourself up onto the counter beside the stove. “How are you?”

He pauses for a moment. It’s a simple question, but the both of you understand its true significance. You’re expecting an honest, no-nonsense answer as to how he’s been feeling. It’s sort of a system, to help prevent all that bottling up of emotions that you’re all so used to. 

“I suppose I’m… a little out of it. I got rather caught up in sculpting for a good few hours,” as he explains, you notice him absently digging clay out from under his nails, “So I figured it was time for a lunch break.”

“Good,” you tell him, because it’s important that he hears things like that. He’s staring vacantly into the water that’s beginning to bubble on the stove, but you know he will return the check-in question to you in his own time. Technically, you could have just walked in and began with what you really wanted to talk about, but this method gives the conversation a more clear-cut structure. Greeting, followed by question-response, followed by question-response; it’s properly outlined. 

“What’s going on with you, then?”

“I feel like garbage,” you see him blink in surprise, but he waits politely for you to continue. “I’m worried. I mean- I'm usually worried, but in this specific circumstance, I’m worried about-”

“Logan?” He looks up when he says it, his gaze searching. 

“Yeah- um, yes. You noticed it, too?”

“Oh, please,” there's an obnoxious clanging as Roman idly swings around a slotted spoon, “I may not be as observant as you nerds, but you could stand to give me some credit.”

You settle him with A Look. He huffs.

“Okay fine! I only caught on when he… ugh, it's embarrassing, but we like to write. Together. On Wednesdays. But he’s been ditching.”

You already had a hunch about your friends’ little poetry sessions, as neither are particularly subtle about anything, at all, ever. It's super dorky, but it’s a very them thing to do. This development is concerning, to say the least.

“Wait, then why haven’t you brought it up?” 

Roman squirms a bit, clinking his slotted ladle against the stovetop repetitively. You regret the interrogative tone that found its way into your voice.

“I didn't want to be, you know, needy. He said he was busy- and like, it was a little sketchy when he was only busy when I wanted to hang out- but- I just assumed he’d maybe gotten bored with it. I didn’t want him to get even more distant with me, so I didn’t say anything.”

Well, okay, you totally fail at not being distracted by that. Scooching a little further down the counter, you bump Roman's hip with the side of your foot.

“Hey.”

He doesn't look up. 

“Roman.”

He groans, throwing his head back and glaring up at the cabinets.

“I know! Saying it out loud, alright, I know he wouldn't do something like that- it's just- I forget sometimes, Virge.”

You don't ask him to elaborate. He doesn't need to. He shifts away from the stove and drops his head onto your shoulder, leaning against you. 

“But if you've noticed it too, then something must really be wrong, huh?”

You give a short laugh.

“Yeah. He's upset about something, I can tell. It’s fuzzy, though, that’s the weirdest thing. It's like, I can feel the anxiety from, but it's being overpowered by something else in there. I have no idea what, so it's gotta be out of my jurisdiction.”

He hums curiously. 

“What’s the plan then? Drag him out of his room and make him hang out with us?” Roman's voice rumbles against your shoulder, and it's so comforting that you can't help but hook a leg around his waist to keep him near you.

“Great idea, I'm sure that he’ll really appreciate that,” your sarcasm (hopefully) takes the impact out of your downright cuddly nature. Roman is unfazed.

“That is literally what the both of you did to me mere months ago. I'd say that turned out pretty well, hmm?”

He tilts his head to the side, dragging out the hum with his face pressed against your neck. It's a concerted effort to snark at him instead of purring from the feeling. 

“I doubt that L would appreciate something like that, just because you- Jesus,” you cut yourself off when Roman fucking nuzzles you, ew gross- “Oh my fucking God, can you- prrr- can you st- prrrrr- stop for one second? You're- re- rerrrrrr- distracting me!” You push him off of you, feigning disgust. You don’t want to, but you have to at least try to stay on track.

He just chuckles, dropping away from you if only to take his food off the stove. 

“Sorry, sorry, it's just so hard to resist. You’re a kitten!”

“I know you're God-awful at genuine conversations, so I guess I'll let it slide this time.”

You see the offended look spread across his face, and hastily hold a hand up to interrupt.

“Logan.”

“Right, yes. Logan.”

“I mean, what would he say?” you drag your hand down your face, wracking your brain for any of his advice that you could apply to the situation. “He’d be all ‘the logical course of action would simply be to confront me, Virgil, because I am a stubborn little bitch and I will dance around the issue indefinitely,’” You nod, satisfied with both your impression and the conclusion it brought you to. Roman shoots you a comically wide grin.

“That was scary, how much you sounded like him.”

You shrug, offering a hum.

“So we should just… what? Walk up to his door, knock knock,‘what’s going on with you, man?’, and see what happens?”

“As crazy as it sounds, maybe this would be easier if we didn't prolong it for three weeks and complicate it like we do with everything else?”

There's a clatter as Roman struggles to reach the top cabinet for a bowl. You drop down from the counter, reach over his head, and hand it to him. 

“When you phrase it like that, I suppose it sounds obvious,” he takes the ceramic and fills it up- without a thanks, the bitch.

“Okay. We do that, then.”

“Okay.”

You hover in the kitchen, watching him grab his meal and begin to walk away. He tosses his head over his shoulder, giving you a look that you can't quite place. 

“Are you just going to wait there while I eat my lunch? We’ll go up in a few minutes, but I'd rather not pass out from lack of blood sugar in the middle of what's sure to be a whole production.”

“Oh- right.”

<<<???>>><<<???>>><<<???>>>

At your knock, there is absolutely no response from the other side of Logan’s door. You knock again- not so much as a footstep! You push down your immediate frustration at the nerve of him, knowing that you must keep your cool (but you also know that he has everyone’s knocks memorized; he knows it’s you!). 

You spare a glance to Virgil. He stares back at you, lip worried between his fangs, hands twisting themselves at his sleeves. He’s slouching so much that he looks nearly as short as you. 

“Is it… is it that bad?” your knuckles are still barely pressing against the inky-blue door, lingering. He nods. 

“Fuck, dude, whatever he’s feeling is intense. But, I can’t figure out what the hell it is,” he makes an attempt at whispering, but it sounds more like screeching TV static than anything. 

He’s in there, and Virgil isn’t the only one who can sense it. It’s electric; whatever Virgil isn’t picking up on seems to have fallen into your domain. Unfortunately, it must be one of your non-primary side functions, because you have no idea what the specifics are. You curse the fact that you aren’t nearly as in tune with these things as he, by design, is. 

“We gotta get in there, Roman.”

The use of your proper name startles you. You grind your teeth, turning his suggestion over in your mind a few times before shaking your head sharply.

“You were the one that said we needed a subtle approach, you- Virgil,” you catch yourself before a nickname slips out, trying to share in his sincerity for the moment.

He gives a shaky sigh.

“I- I know what I said, but- Fuck, Ro, it’s bad.”

Now, it may be just because you’re a contrary bitch, but you have flipped on your original stance as well, leaving the both of you at odds. The worse this feels, the more you need to hesitate. If he’s avoiding you- both of you, the mini-him in your head reminds you, mind your mental filtering- then there's a reason for it. A reason to do with anxiety and you, which could easily be the ‘passion’ part of you, and that gives the strong implication that he’s deeply angry and hurt. In which case, you know that you could easily do something to make it much worse. You are very good at saying the wrong thing.

And so. You stare blankly at his door. Immobile.

Virgil elbows you.

You wrap your knuckles against the door and send him a glare. He groans, ramming his shoulder into yours.

“Okay, Roman, out of the way-”

“I’m getting some bad vibes-”

“Yeah, me too, that's kind of the point!”

“Well, there’s no reason to get snippy!”

“I don’t need a reason anyway, now move-” 

At a light shuffling from behind the door, you both snap your mouths shut. It’s dead silent as you wait, more patient than you've ever been before, as the muffled footsteps draw closer to the door. They stop just short of it, and for a moment you don't breathe.

“I can hear you,” came a muffled, barely-audible rasp. 

You fall against the door at once, pressing the side of your face into its cool surface. Virgil appears beside you, his claws suspended just above the knob. They hover like he’d be burned if he touched it. His voice is carefully measured, and he nearly sounds normal when he speaks.

“L, buddy, can you let us in? Can we talk?” 

You nod along, realize that he cannot see you, and then enthusiastically proclaim your agreement with the statement instead.

There's a long pause. You fear that Logan’s left again.

“Is this… necessary?”

“I’d really like to know why you aren't talking to us, so yeah,” you try not to snap, you really do, but you can tell that you’ve failed as soon as the words leave your mouth. You hope he'll understand how you really meant it. 

There's a sigh, and yet another silence. Virgil makes eye-contact with you, face twisted up with concern.

“It was not my intention for you to think me angry with you, if that's what you’re worried about.”

“That’s not it, Lo,” well, Virgil can speak for himself, because you were kind of worried about that. “I know something's going on. I know you.”

“Virgil,” his voice sounds much clearer, closer, as though he's pressed against the doorframe like yourself, “Virgil, your voice.”

“Don't know if you can tell, man, but I'm pretty anxious right now. And I know that not all of it is mine.”

At the next lapse, you don't wait for Logan to speak.

“Specs, hey, listen to me: I don't have a clue what's going on-” you let yourself smile, knowing that he can hear it in your voice, “Which is kind of my usual state, really- but the point is, it doesn't matter. We're here for you, no matter what. The three of us- best friends, right? Bee-eff-effs.”

“Best friends forever,” he mutters.

“Ah! I’m glad you agree!”

“No- it’s- I was correcting you, abbreviations have no place in verbal conversation- especially in place of simple phrases such as that one.”

“There he is,” Virgil chuckles, the distortion finally edging out of his throat. 

Logan sighs. You hear a bump.

“I suppose, if you two are really so concerned,” the lock clicks, “Then it would only be hypocritical of me to refuse to speak with you on this matter, given how I encourage you to do the opposite almost constantly,” the knob twists, pushes forwards an inch, halts abruptly, “Although… I can’t promise you full transparency. I don’t- I don’t think I’m quite ready for that conversation.”

Well that is ominous. But, then again, progress is progress.

You step back, and the door swings open. 

You fail to stifle your gasp.

Logan stands in the doorway, his head up, spine straight, and his hands behind his back- his usual stance. The posturing does nothing, however, to hide just how bloodshot his eyes are behind his glasses. He trembles, almost, when he looks from you to Virgil, and then back again. As soon as you meet his gaze, he glances down to the carpet, tapping his foot on the floor compulsively. It’s a state you’ve seen him in plenty of times, but the knowledge that this time you were somehow responsible for it pushes daggers under your skin. 

“Well,” he falters, “Come in, I suppose.”

[mikes-on-prometheus]

Roman is getting used to his new family. Here are two instances that made him think that he ruined everything he has managed to build with them.

Roman centric for @dragonofthemountain

platonic/familial sides (including dark sides)

Warnings: sympathetic Deceit, sympathetic Remus, former dark side Virgil, sides as family, hurt/comfort, injury, guilt, isolation

Wordcount: about 3200

---

Roman was Creativity. Before, he was Creativity but he wasn’t Roman. Back then he was... well he doesn’t really remember. He doesn’t remember much from before he was Roman. He knows there was Creativity and then there were Roman and Remus and they were both Creativity.

And then his family split and his brother was torn away from him. He stayed with Morality and Logic and they became the Light Sides while Remus joined the Dark Sides. Roman had at that point only really cared about Remus.

Sure he knew Deceit and Anxiety but they were minor nuisances more than anything. He didn’t interact with them much.

And as time passed he and Remus grew more and more apart. Remus’ ideas became more and more absurd and disturbing until Roman was almost scared of his brother. So Roman avoided Remus just as much as he avoided Deceit and Anxiety.

All this changed however, when Anxiety became Virgil and opened the door between the Dark and Light sides. Sure they played up the beef for Thomas’ videos but there were some tensions they had to work out.

It took time but Logan and Patton and Roman became Logan and Patton and Roman and Virgil which soon became Deceit and Logan and Patton and Remus and Roman and Virgil.

They started to work together and grew closer until they were a family again. Sure they were a family before but that was just the Light Sides and the Dark Sides separately.

Roman has always been protective of his family and now his family was double the size it used to be which means there are three more people he has to protect and it’s so unfamiliar. 

He usually had to protect Patton of stray spiders or his own clumsiness and he made sure Logan didn’t overwork himself too much and providing plenty of Crofters jam for the logical side.

Now he provided safe heating opportunities for Deceit since Remus’ creations could be volatile if he didn’t focus on it perfectly which was hard for the Other Creativity.

He acted as a rubber duck for Remus so he could share his ideas in a healthy, productive way instead of bottling it up and ending up with Thomas losing sleep.

He distracted Virgil from his worries and came up with new fidget toys for him.

With all three of the previous Dark Sides he made an effort to include them more in day to day life.

Logan and Patton regularly joined him on his tamer adventures in the Imagination and he was happy to see that Deceit, Remus and Virgil seemed interested in joining him as well though they were hesitant to join with Patton and Logan as well.

Roman understood that. They had lived on their own for years, almost two decades even. It was understandable that they would be a little overwhelmed by their much louder dynamic, even with how loud Remus was by himself.

So they went out on adventures one-on-one. It seemed to make the others more comfortable so Roman was immensely pleased with it.

But then two things happened and he stopped asking any of them to join him on his adventures.

---

The first thing happened on a wednesday. He had invited Virgil out to the Imagination. Just exploring the town and finding ways to fortify it since Virgil enjoyed knowing he helped in keeping people safe.

Roman was right in a way. He had intended to find ways to make it harder for enemies to invade the city. What they ended up doing was finding ways to make living in the town safer.

“You should make the sidewalk a little elevated in comparison to the road, the carriages and wagons could run onto the sidewalk and hurt people or damage houses.” was the first suggestion.

Then “I know you love your medieval cobblestone aesthetic but can you make it more even? There’s a huge difference in height between them, they’re a tripping hazard and horses could get injured by it too, not to mention wagon wheels.”

Of course Roman wrote every tip down on his little notebook, he would make sure to take care of those issues as soon as possible so he could show Virgil next time. Virgil would be happy to know that his concerns had been taken seriously and something had actually been done to prevent the things he worried about happening.

They were taking the stairs down to the town square, chatting as they went.

“These stairs could use redoing. They’re really worn down and slope downwards, people could slip. Also, dude where are the handrails here?” Virgil complained, interrupting Roman quite abruptly.

“Alright. The stairs will be the very first thing I take care of okay, Green Emo?”

“I don’t even listen to Green Day, Roman, do your-” he wasn’t able to finish his sentence. He had turned towards Roman a little as he spoke and didn’t notice how strong the slope of the step he took was, foot slipping off and bringing him out of balance.

Roman, a few steps behind and above Virgil could only watch in horror as his friend’s hand shot to the side where he expected a handrail to steady him. He reached out, trying to at least grab Virgil’s shirt to help him but as his fingertips barely brushed the fabric of that familiar hoodie Roman knew he was too slow.

Virgil landed at the bottom of the stairs in a still heap and Roman was next to him within a heartbeat, falling to his knees by the downed side.

“Ow, fucking hell.” Virgil was already cursing, trying to get up. Luckily it had only been half a dozen steps, they had been almost down.

Roman breathed a sigh of relief. “Are you okay?” his hands were fluttering all over Virgil, unsure whether or not to touch him. His decision was made for him when Virgil hissed in pain and almost fell back down when he put pressure on his arm to push himself up. Roman wrapped his arm across Virgil’s chest to get him up on his knees, from there they got up slowly.

“Shit, my arm hurts. And my leg but it’s not as bad.” he groaned, hanging on to Roman to keep his balance.

“Okay, okay we can do this. We have to get you back home, sides can’t heal as quickly in the Imagination. Can you walk?”

“I think so. I’ll try at least”

They hobbled forward a few paces and Roman was acutely aware that Virgil was in pain, something he never wanted to see in the first place and he hoped he would never have to see it again.

“This is obviously hurting you even more. Please let me pick you up, that way we can get you back sooner.”

Luckily Virgil didn’t put up a fight and let himself be carried home where Patton fussed over him and Logan made sure to check for broken bones before they could grow together wrong. His wrist was badly sprained and bruised and his ankle wasn’t as badly sprained so Logan supplied Virgil with some ice packs and ordered him to stay settled on the couch for the few hours it would take him to heal.

Roman had locked himself up in his room as soon as he knew Virgil would be fine. Sides had very fast healing rates so it wouldn’t take long for Virgil to heal but until then he would be in pain and it was Roman’s fault.

It was his fault Virgil got hurt, it was his fault Virgil was even in the Imagination to get hurt in the first place! And God damn it, Roman would feel guilty about it to the end of days probably.

But he couldn’t just stay in his room and feel sorry for himself. He had to do something!

So he went back to the town he had visited with Virgil and with a bitter taste in his mouth he set about addressing every single issue Virgil had noticed. Roman had seen one person get injured by his careless creation already. He couldn’t bear the weight of the guilt of Virgil getting hurt. He would surely break if anyone else got hurt from his negligence.

---

Roman didn’t end up showing Virgil all those improvements. He didn’t want the other side in there. It was like Roman had turned into Anxiety himself with how anxious he was about Virgil potentially getting hurt again.

He had slowly warmed up to the idea of inviting the others in again when the second incident took place.

Roman had kept the other sides out of the Imagination but he couldn’t keep Remus out since they were both Creativity and both had equal influence over the Imagination.

Where he used to isolate his part of the Imagination from Remus’ part, the borders now blended into each other seamlessly and it was not a surprise to see the Duke in the Prince’s city or wandering the castle.

Whenever one of them got antsy or needed to free his head to figuratively make space for new ideas they would ride out, sometimes just to enjoy the wind on their faces and each other’s company after years of separation.

More often than not though, they went out to look for trouble in the form of a daring quest.

Remus was the only one that Roman told about his guilt over Virgil getting hurt. While it felt good to get it off his chest Remus’ advice didn’t help him much.

“Oh why don’t you get him one of the stones he landed on? You could dig it up! Or you could find him the biggest, most venomous spider in the woods! Virgil loves spiders!”

Yeah, suffice to say that Roman stopped him before he could get any more ideas that would leave him with nightmares.

That idea with the spider sounded kinda good though. Not the biggest or most venomous though. Maybe a tarantula

Luckily their quest to battle the Dragon Witch managed to take Roman’s mind off the matter for a while.

While the Prince and the Duke had been out of the Imagination the Dragon Witch had claimed a spot of land and had leveled the town that had occupied that very land until a few days ago.

They found the Dragon Witch’s lair soon enough and went in, brave and brazen as they always were in quests like this one.

“Dragon Witch! We are here to challenge you! Return the land to the people you stole it from!” Roman declared, sword already drawn as he caught sight of the monstrous figure.

“You dare challenge me, little princeling? With your little Duke because you fear coming alone? So be it. I will not give up this land, it is mine and mine alone.” The Dragon Witch was obviously prepared for them, already armed and in armor.

Of course Roman couldn’t just back down now, he was a prince after all and it wouldn’t be very princely if he turned his tail now that he had already challenged the Dragon Witch.

He saw Remus circle the Witch to the right so he took the left side, that way they’d have the best chance at making this fight a short one.

The twins lunged at him as one and Roman quickly lost himself in the rush of adrenaline the fight provided.  He didn’t even notice any cuts when he didn’t quite move fast enough to dodge the Dragon Witch’s long claws. What he did notice however, was Remus yelping, a thump and then he saw his twin slumped on the ground by the wall he had been thrown against.

Roman jumped back into action, stopping the Dragon Witch from coming after Remus. That way the Duke could take a moment to collect his wits and get back on his feet again.

“You good, Remus?” he called over his shoulder when his brother didn’t join him after a moment.

Silence on Remus’ part and Roman turned around, using his power over the Imagination to freeze the Dragon Witch in that moment of time. He saw Remus still slumped on the floor and now that he took a closer look he saw blood at his temple.

And Roman felt his blood freeze in his veins just like the Dragon Witch was frozen behind him. “Remus!” he yelled, rushing over to him.

Not again. Please not again.

He had let it happen again. He had let one of his loved ones get hurt again. 

He should have been more careful! He should have made the quest less dangerous! He shouldn’t have asked Remus to come out with him in the first place!

Remus didn’t wake up at Roman’s efforts so Roman carefully scooped his twin into his arms so he could take him back to the mindscape or at least back to the castle, away from the Dragon Witch. He could alter the Imagination’s reality at some other point in time to reverse the damage done by him.

Sadly he wouldn’t be able to reverse the damage the Dragon Witch had done to Remus. Only time and first aid could help with that.

---

Remus woke up a while after they got back to the mindscape and Roman hid himself away in his room just as he had done when he had seen Virgil get hurt.

He refused to let anyone back into the Imagination after that. So much so that the others staged an intervention. To his surprise it was Virgil who came to his room and refused to leave without talking to him.

He plastered a smile to his face as he realized that. He opened the door to Virgil, fist raised to knock once again.

“Hello, System of a Downer, how may I help you this magnificent day?” he asked, putting as much bravado into it as he could muster.

“You can drop the act, Princey. You’ve been so anxious I feel it down to the bones.” Virgil was frowning at him, looking displeased and annoyed but it did a bad job concealing his concern. Without even waiting for Roman’s response he squeezed past him into his room. 

Rude.

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about, Verge.” he lied. He didn’t like lying to his family but he liked worrying them even less. He did, however, offer the anxious side a seat on his bed.

“Don’t lie to me or I’m calling Dee. This is about Remus and me getting hurt on your watch isn’t it? You felt anxious when I got hurt and it started up again around the time it happened to Re and it’s been getting worse ever since. Patton also thinks you’re mad at him because you haven’t invited him to the Imagination again.”

Roman looked down, unable to meet the other’s eyes. He hadn’t even considered that Virgil might be able to feel his anxiety and he had not thought about the possibility of Virgil knowing exactly what was bothering him.

“No, it has nothing to do with that at all, what are you talking about? I just had a stroke of genius, the ideas don’t wait for anything!” he tried, still hoping to bring Virgil off the right track.

No such luck. Of course, it would figure that the personification of the fight or flight instinct would be too perceptive to be deceived like that.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

“Uhm did you miss the part where I’m literally Anxiety? Don’t worry is not an option for me. So talk to me. I’m right am i not? This is about us getting hurt and you like- feeling guilty about it? Responsible? I know you too well, I notice when you lie to me.”

Roman sighed and flopped down next to Virgil on the bed. 

“But it is my fault. You were telling me what was wrong, I should have fixed those issues as soon as you told me about them. I shouldn’t have even made those errors! I should have noticed. And I was the one who dragged Remus out on that quest! I should have done better, paid more attention, made the damned quest safer. I got you both hurt and I refuse to let anyone else get hurt.” he ranted, hoping Virgil would be unable to hear him with how he had buried his face in the blankets. 

Hopefully the fabric would muffle his voice, maybe even swallow him whole so he could avoid more talk about feelings. Ugh.

“I know, Ro. But get this - those were accidents, out of your control. I could’ve gotten hurt even if those stairs had been good, I could have tripped and fallen regardless of the state of the stairs. And have you seen Remus? He’s been raving about how cool that quest of yours was. He had fun and didn’t really care about the injury. It wasn’t even bad, you know head wounds usually look much worse than they actually are.”

No such luck apparently. Now he understood why Logan hated admitting to his feelings so much. Emotions were so nasty and messy when they weren’t good ones.

“Still my fault you got hurt.” he told his blanket petulantly, only to squawk when a sudden weight landed on his back. “Wha- get off of me!”

“Nope, can’t, so sorry. You know how this family apparently solves emotional distress. You’re not getting rid of this living weighted blanket.” Virgil shimmied his shoulders a little as if to accentuate how comfy he was making himself on top of Roman’s back.

Roman put up a token fight but didn’t truly mind. To be honest it was quite comfortable. Virgil’s weight on top of him was warm and grounding, comforting.

He hadn’t even noticed how touch starved he had gotten during his self-imposed exile. Having Virgil pressing down on his entire back was a little overwhelming at first but Roman was soon able to relax completely. Patton was right to hug everything out. It did help. A lot.

But Roman would rather burn his sash and melt down his crown than admit it to Virgil. So he just stayed there, silent and comfortable.

He would still blame him for this family getting hurt, those feelings had quite some time to settle and grow roots but with his family there to help he would be able to get over it.

In a few hours he would follow Virgil downstairs and talk to the others about what had been going on in his head. A lot of talking would follow and some more hugs and some of Remus’ usual comments would help lift the weight off his shoulders a little.

But right then Roman had a different kind of weight on his shoulders, the good kind.

And a little nap wouldn’t hurt right?

Exactly. So Roman stayed put and fell asleep, much to Virgil’s amusement. What could he say? Virgil made a great weighted blanket!

It should be a compliment, really.

___

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[nekoabiwrites]

Rain On Me

I re-listened to the Emo the Musical soundtrack today and I just... had to write something. Here’s the song used in the fic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eS2c4pvQNrw 

AU: School  Pairings: Pining Moxiety Words: 2160 Warnings: Bullying, Feelings of Isolation, Swear words. If there’s anything else, let me know.

Summary: Virgil starts a new school, meets a cute boy, but doesn’t know how to deal with it.

Virgil was terrified. He was utterly and completely scared shitless. How had this managed to happen?

The young student sat in his room, his skinny jean-covered legs crossed and almost disappearing into the black sheets. His precious guitar was laying across his lap as he was in the middle of restringing it, but his thoughts had managed to distract him.

His mind was stuck on an event that had happened in the halls at school some weeks ago.

As one of the resident ‘weird, scary kids’, Virgil was used to people knocking into him in the halls. They tended to move in close, so they could knock his shoulders, seemingly in attempts to make him drop his things. Others preferred to dodge out of his way and stare at him as he passed, almost as if he were a dangerous animal that was kept there for them to gawk at whenever they pleased. All because he dressed differently. But whatever, it didn’t matter anymore.

This was a brand-new school, where he’d not yet been categorized so harshly. No one here knew him yet, at least not outside of first impressions. And the best part was that he wasn’t even the only one anymore. There were others like him, who looked like him, liked what he liked, and they’d even adopted him into their group on the first day, which was great. Virgil finally had a sense of belonging.

But then, not even two months into his first semester at this school, something just had to happen.

Virgil had been walking through the halls, his head down as usual. He was used to using the limited view he had and sounds around him in order to avoid running into anyone. This one time though, that hadn’t worked.

Suddenly, Virgil found himself bumping into another body, which made him look up sharply and get ready to apologise as best he could. But his voice caught in his throat.

The boy he’d run into was absolutely gorgeous. He seemed to almost radiate light, with his bright wide eyes and his soft-looking, fluffy hair. Even though he was about a head shorter than Virgil was, the boy had a presence that was larger than Virgil could even imagine having. It wasn’t commanding attention, more just grabbing it by accident with a polite thank you as it did so. When the boy smiled and asked if he was okay in the sunniest voice imaginable, Virgil could feel his stomach doing flips and churning. Virgil had nodded lightly in response, unable to speak. The happy student had then grinned wide and went to say something but was interrupted by a call from some other students down the hall. The boy, who Virgil had not managed to pick up the name of, quickly offered up a small apology and a wish for him to have a good day before shutting his locker door and bounding off down the corridor towards the two who’d called for him.

Virgil had been stuck there for a good few seconds, watching the back of this utterly entrancing boy walk away down the hall. From that day onwards, his face had burned brightly whenever he thought back to that moment. He’d also started to notice the boy throughout the school a lot more often, noticing the pastel colours from the other end of the hallway sometimes.

And then, Virgil found out they shared a class together. Not just any class, but their music class. Where they were going to have to perform and sing. And they were sat next to each other. How Virgil hadn’t noticed before, he would never know.

Throughout the rest of the semester, Virgil managed to deal with this set back fairly well. The boy, who he’d eventually realised was named Patton, was friendly and open with him, which was something new. He’d initiated many conversations with Virgil and been extremely patient with him, which was something that utterly baffled the young musician. Patton had also been so excited when he found out Virgil could play the guitar. It took only a few weeks after that for Patton to officially call him a friend, which both excited and hurt Virgil. He managed to find out through their little conversations that Patton had friends all over the school, was a part of the student council, sometimes worked as a library volunteer and helped out at the primary school across the road when he was asked to. Every little scrap of information just made Virgil fall deeper and deeper for the gorgeous student. He could almost see some return of that interest, by the way Patton seemed to giggle at everything, the way he almost reached for Virgil’s hand or arm constantly. Just all these little things started to add up and Virgil began to feel hope.

It was half way through the semester that he started to get a lose that hope.

His friend group wasn’t exactly the nicest group of people, but they were who Virgil stuck with. They were nice to each other – for the most part – but they did love to shit talk everyone else at school. One day, that attention focused on the student council because they’d had an assembly where it was mentioned that they were trying to get a code of dress introduced to disallow hateful or harmful slogans on clothing. His group seemed convinced it was an attack on them and so, since then, all the hate has been directed towards the student council.

Virgil was now stuck in a hard place. He wanted to be accepted by his friends, but he also wanted to stay close to Patton. But with a couple of his friend group also in the same music class, Virgil was at a rough point.

It almost felt as though he was stuck in a storm of his own making.

The only way he could deal with this was through his only personal outlet.

After finishing up the strings, Virgil positioned his guitar just how he liked it and began to play a gentle song.

Show up on my weather report When I least expect it Scare all my neighbours away Through that emergency exit

Hit me like a storm Blow my walls away Peel off my paintwork Tear up my floorboards Come on and rain on me

Come on and rain on me Come on and rain on me

I like everything about you and I think that you like me so Come on and rain on me

In the background, it had actually begun to rain outside, and quite heavily too. The strong winds whipped the trees around, causing loud rustling and cracking as they made contact with the side of his house. The large raindrops fell with a heavy, constant sound that just calmed him even more. Virgil had already had the window open, so the sounds were louder than they would have been.

Had the student been paying attention, he would have noticed a figure standing out in the rain, staring up at his window. He may have noticed the instantly recognisable colour of the umbrella and how it came closer as he began to sing again.

Chase me to a foreign country I've never heard of before Cut off my friends and family Send me marching to war

Break through my bomb shelter And lift the roof sky high Shower me with your rocks and debris Come on and rain on me

Come on and rain on me Come on and rain on me

I'll be weak enough for you if you'll be strong enough for me Come on rain on me

I like everything about you

Come on, rain on me

Virgil hadn’t realised he’d closed his eyes as he’d been singing to himself. He opened them slow, feeling the calm that had seeped into his extremities. Only music could do that for him and he was so thankful for it, he had a moment where he wasn’t stressed about everything in his life.

“That was so beautiful…” came a soft voice from his doorway.

The student physically jumped and turned sharply to look at his now-open door. His dark eyes were wide as he took in the boy standing there.

“What? How? When?” Virgil croaked out, feeling his throat beginning to close as his heart rate pounded in his ears.

“I heard you outside. Your parents let me in after I said we were friends… Sorry, I-I’ll leave…”

“No!” Virgil dropped the guitar to the side and almost fell off of his bed as he scrambled to get the other to stay, “No, I…” He huffed, trying to figure out his words in a hurry, “Patton, I just… I didn’t expect someone to be there.”

Patton stopped mid-turn and looked up at the other with a slightly guilty look, “I still shouldn’t have come in… I’m sorry.” He began to back away towards the stairs,

Virgil dove and grabbed his arm desperately, “No, no, no! It’s fine!” He frantically searched the other’s face. There was the worry that this would be what ruined everything for him, this could be the end for both of them.

“Are… are you sure?” Patton murmured, his eyes fixed on where Virgil’s hand currently was holding him.

“Yeah, I’m really sure.”

“Really really?”

“Patton.”

That got the shorter of them to giggle gently. “Okay, I believe you…”

Virgil let out his own breathy laugh, relief swallowing him whole. After an awkward few seconds, Virgil realised he was still holding Patton’s arm. He quickly retracted his arm, “Um, do you… wanna come in and, hang out, or something?” He awkwardly coughed.

Patton smiled and clasped his own hands together in front of himself, “Mmhmm.”

The pair avoided bringing up anything about both of their pink-tinged cheeks, both seemingly trying to mentally dodge the idea that it was anything to do with attraction from the other. They settled down in Virgil’s room, both slowly relaxing more as time passed. Patton was allowed to try Virgil’s guitar, as he was extremely interested.

The emo was more than happy to show Patton a few things about playing the guitar. He showed him how to play a few chords, positioning the other student’s fingers which left his own tingling. Patton asked him about strumming and how that worked, and Virgil knew the best way to instruct but wasn’t sure if it was appropriate.

“Uh, I mean, the best way to… show you is to, have me help you?” Virgil said with a soft blush once more.

Patton seemed to understand immediately, as his own cheeks reddened. He continued to smile however, “Would you mind?”

It took a bit of work, but the two of them shifted around so Patton was sat in front of Virgil, who’s legs were resting either side of him. Virgil rested his arms atop Patton’s in order to grasp a hold of his hands, which he did with a slight note of hesitation. It wasn’t until just now that Virgil realised just how much shorter Patton was than him, or just how small he was in general. The emo was able to rest his head comfortably to the side of Patton’s and still not have to peek over his shoulder, his arms were more than able to reach where they needed to be right now. In fact, he could have likely wrapped one of his arms almost three quarters of the way around the other boy.

Virgil tried to not get too distracted by the fact he had his crush so close to him. In a low, gentle voice, he explained what he was getting Patton to do as he strummed with the boy’s hand under his own. After a little bit, the two sat quietly, focusing on the soft sounds of the rhythmic, strumming guitar and rain outside.

“Hey, Virgil?” Patton spoke so softly that Virgil almost missed it.

“Yeah?”

The shorter shook his head, “Uh, nothing.”

Virgil tilted his head around to try and catch a glimpse of Patton’s face, “Tell me.”

Patton pushed himself out of Virgil’s hold and stood, holding the guitar out towards the emo with a heavy blush, “Play that song again?”

Something gnawed at the back of Virgil’s mind that what Patton just asked of him likely wasn’t what was originally going to come out of him, but he left the topic alone. He thought that if it was something Patton really wanted to say, he would say it when he was ready. Virgil took the guitar and set himself up comfortably, giving Patton enough room to sit on the bed along with him. Time passed and the two lost themselves to the calming nature of the gentle music backed up by the beautiful sound of the rain outside. Perhaps they wouldn’t reach a conclusion today, but Virgil really didn’t feel like they needed to, this was enough for now.

------ Next

My other stuff: http://nekoabi.tumblr.com/myworks Mobile Accessible Masterlist: http://nekoabi.tumblr.com/post/181954641376/fic-masterlist

General Tag List: @not-so-innocent-bi-sander @didsomeonesayprince @llamaly @justanotherpurplebutterfly @iaminmultiplefandoms @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @lowkeyvirgilobsessed @louisthewarlock @fangsandrainbows @xxladystarlightxx @sleepyssnail @ao-koshka @notalwaysthevillian @pumpkinminette @doces-e--tuga

[ilovemygaydad]

Friends in Dark Places [ch 9]

pairing: eventual moxiety, eventual logince, background eventual remile, background eventual remy/emile/deceit

WARNINGS: panic attacks, yelling, anger, pranks, roman’s a bit of an asshole but he really doesn’t mean to be, hyperventilation, self hatred, self deprecation, food mentions, possibly something else

tag list: @hufflepuffgirl01 @cocobearthe4th @cas-is-a-hunter @band-be-boss-blog @theunoriginaldaisy

a/n: so i have to repost all of these in a different format! yay fucking me!!!! please consider reblogging these if you’re a fan of this series because it’s all fucked up now

first - previous - next - companions

consider buying me a coffee (please)

-

Uproarious laughter burst out of Patton and Virgil as soon as they saw Logan standing in the driveway, leaning on his car. The usually sharply dressed teen was covered from head to toe in pink glitter; although, the sparkly flakes did nothing to hide the irritated expression and folded arms.

“Yes, I get it,” Logan growled. “I look like a fairy threw up on me, okay? Roman decided that it would be fun to throw a metric ton of glitter onto me.” He glared through the window to glare at the beaming Roman. “Just get in the damn car.”

Patton and Virgil stifled their laughter as they slid into their seats. They all buckled their seatbelts and began their short journey to Westview Park. Roman shifted around and looked at his friends’ “costumes.”

“Patton, you look wonderful! I love the colors! And Jack Skellington, you look very… sparkly today. It suits you,” Roman complimented. He had an equally sparkly look on his face, but his palette was all pinks and golds.

“Aww, kiddo! All the praise should go to Virge, though. He’s the one who did all the work.” Patton gestured to where Virgil was sitting to his left.

“It’s… It’s not really that big of a deal, Pat.” Virgil was glad the foundation he had on covered the light blush that spread across his face. Roman, however, looked extremely affronted.

“Don’t say that, Virgil! Your skills are fantastic!”

Virgil crinkled his nose and turned to look out the window. “What… ever…”

Patton and Roman began a very passionate discussion about how excited they were for the party with Logan interjecting every so often to correct their word usage. Virgil’s mind wandered, going over all of the possible outcomes of the night’s party. He hadn’t actually thought over everything that could happen, and his anxiety had been steadily increasing. The sudden stopping of the car jerked him out of his train of thought, bringing him back to the present.

As soon as Virgil stepped out of the car, a heavy, grainy weight was dumped onto him. Tiny specks of pink glitter rained from his shoulders and down his face.

“Are you kidding me?” Virgil shouted, whirling to his left to give the grinning Roman a frustrated look.

“Oh, come on, Cinderella. It’s just a bit of glitter. It won’t hurt you!” The shorter boy smirked at him, which only added to Virgil’s rage.

“This shit is going to be lining my clothes for weeks! How am I supposed to keep up my ‘don’t talk to me’ look if I have flecks of pink shimmery plastic everywhere?” Virgil stalked away before he could get an answer, deciding a bit of space from Glinda the Good would be helpful for his nerves.

Quickly, though, Patton caught up with the glitter-covered teen. “Hey, kiddo. Are you okay? Ro doesn’t always think things all the way through before he acts.” 

Virgil sighed and shook some of the glitter from his hair. “I’m fine, it’s just… I don’t know. There are a lot of people that are going to be here that I don’t know, and I was already freaking out about what they’ll think of me, and now I’m freaking coated in glitter. My anxiety was already killing me, but now it’s just gotten worse,” he explained. He hated the way his voice shook as he spoke--loathed that it symbolized his blatant weakness.

“Hey, it’ll be okay! Don’t forget that Logan is also very glittery at the moment. Plus, our friends aren’t going to judge you for one of Roman’s pranks! They’ve been on your end, too,” Patton assured as he wrapped his arm around Virgil’s shoulders, giving him a light squeeze.

“Pat! Who’s the new friend? Did Roman throw glitter on them?” a light voice called from ahead.

“Valerie, hey! This is Virgil. He’s the newest addition to the fam I-L-Y,” Patton replied before whispering to Virgil. “I think you’re really going to like her; she’s super bubbly and ni--”

Before Pat could finish his sentence, he was suddenly tackled away from Virgil by a small body with pink and blue hair. “Talyn! Oh my goodness. It's been too long since we’ve hung out. Look at your hair!”

Virgil stood in awe at the commotion all around him. Everyone here seemed like such good friends… And then there was him. All alone and knowing that he didn't truly belong here. God, it had been so stupid to accept the party invitation.

“Hello, Virgil,” Logan greeted as he walked up to Virgil, stopping right next to him in his glitter-covered glory. “I see you're not much for the excitement either.”

“I, uh… yeah. It's a little bit too much for me.” Virgil awkwardly coughed, punctuating his sentence with a sharp nod.

“Don't worry. This will all be over soon, and then we can all get to actually making regular conversation instead of dealing with pleasantries.”

“Uh, yeah…” Virgil said with confused nod, though Logan had already walked away to talk with someone in an orange beanie.

Without any good reason to still be standing in the middle of the grass, Virgil made his way to the nearest pavilion to sit down. He slipped his phone out of his pocket and began to click around, not actually doing anything of meaning. Virgil felt so out of place; the stifling isolation weighed heavily on his shoulders. And then he suddenly couldn't breathe.

This wasn't the normal hyperventilation, this was overpowering and rendered him a gasping mess. Barely any air was entering Virgil’s body, and sharp, fiery pain shot through his lungs. He could feel lis chest tightening, and his heart was pounding, trying desperately to get something to happen.

A set of hands grabbed him lightly, one on his left shoulder and the other laying softly right over his heart. “I need you to follow me. Breathe in through your nose for four counts,” a gentle tapping beat thumped on his chest.

One, two, three, four.

“And hold for seven.”

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

“And release for eight through your mouth.”

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Each breath was dreadfully painful, but after a few cycles, his breathing was back to a fairly normal rate. Talyn--or at least that's what he thought they were called--had been the one to notice him and go through the exercise with him. He was infinitely grateful for them.

“There you go. You did great, Virgil. That was a really bad attack you were having; are you okay? Do I need to get Logan to drive you back home?” Talyn asked, stepping back and dropping their hands at their sides. They had a concerned expression on their face; one that rivaled even Patton’s.

“I, uh… I think I'll be okay.” Each few words were punctuated with a sharp cough. Fuck, that hurt.

Talyn gave him a knowing look, but didn’t press any further. As Talyn walked away, Patton ran up to Virgil and flung himself onto the bench.

“Are you--” a fit of coughs from Virgil cut off Pat’s worrying. “That answers that. Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling anxious? We could’ve gone somewhere away from the crowd for a little to calm you down.”

Virgil ducked his head sheepishly, rubbing at the back of his neck. “You seemed like you were having so much fun with your friends. I didn’t want to bother you.”

“You’d never bother me! Especially not when you’re not feeling great, Virge. I’m not mad at you for not telling me, but I really want you to know that I’ll be willing to help you out if you just ask.” Patton spoke softly, making sure not to overwhelm the anxious teen sitting next to him. Virgil had dealt with enough for one day; he didn’t need an angry Patton on his plate, too.

“I, uh, yeah. I’ll do that,” Virgil mumbled, leaning in gently and resting his head on Patton’s shoulder. They sat like that for a long while, comfortably enjoying the low murmuring of nearby voices, until Virgil finally felt calm.

next

[the-gay-in-the-way]

Hey, romance for once.

Most of my stuff is just platonic but there’s this idea I’ve had for a while now.

I was suddenly reminded of it while listening to this song My Eyes Adored You.

So, the basic idea is that Patton and Virgil become friends, basically, from birth cus they’re parents are friends with each other.

They’re extremely close and stay that way for years.

It even reaches the point that Patton, upon finding out what marriage is, says that they should get married when they’re older.

And Virgil agrees and they promise that they’ll get married one day.

But then, Virgil’s mom dies.

And the only family he has that’s willing to take him in is his uncle and cousin who both live all the way in Alaska.(Patton and Virgil live in florida at the start of this.)

So Virgil has to move super far away and they don’t really have a good way of communicating because, for plot reasons, the town in Alaska he’ll have to move to doesn’t have any sort of easy communication system past the occasional satellite phone call and letters.

So they’re going to end up being separated completely.

And they’re both distraught and terrified of losing each other completely.

So Virgil makes a promise that he would come back and be with Patton again.

That he wouldn’t leave his side again once he did.

And that they would still get married one day.

That, when he returned, he’d propose and they would get married and move into a house together and stay together for the rest of their days.

And Patton accepts the promise and promises that he’ll wait for him.

And then Virgil moves away and they both enter middle school alone, sending letters to each other whenever they can, but otherwise remaining isolated from each other.

Years pass by and Patton gets a couple of good friends at his school that stay with him all the way thru college.

Roman and Logan adore Patton and try their best to be good friends to him.

And Patton eventually ends up telling them about Virgil.

And they both are instantly uncertain about the situation.

Especially as time goes on.

Because Patton refuses to try anything remotely romantic with anyone else.

Even when people ask him out or when he’s given opportunities to be with people he genuinely likes, he never feels any sort of romantic atraction to them and ends up rejecting them.

And Roman hates it because he both wants his friend to find happiness with a good person that cares for him and he wants to set Patton up and celebrate his friend’s romance.

And Logan is bothered by it because he doesn’t think Patton will ever actually reunite with Virgil.

He assumes that Virgil probably has no intention of returning and keeping his promises to Patton.

He also believes that following this promise, despite not seeing each other in person for years and making it when they were children, is an unrealistic thing to do.

Roman and Logan both express their concerns to Patton, but Patton just tells them that he trusts Virgil and would keep his promise to wait for him.

Sometimes Patton will even admit that he made sure to learn certain skills, like cooking and cleaning and sewing and finances, because he and Virgil had both talked about how life would be when they got married and Patton had always wanted to take on the role of the house husband while Virgil worked to support them both.

And in their shared updates to each other, Virgil had told Patton that he was working hard to get physically stronger and more skilled at various tasks so that he could eventually get a good job to support them both, while also trying his best to take on jobs and save up money for them to use on doing things like actually getting married and buying a place to live together.

So Patton would send his own updates, usually with pictures of himself with whatever he’d managed to learn or achieve recently, and they would both continue to work as hard as they could so that they could eventually live together as they’d planned.

And Roman and Logan find this strange and unsettling as well, saying that Patton shouldn’t determine his life by his plan to be with Virgil one day.

They become even more against the arrangement when they find out that Virgil never sends Patton pictures back.

Or, at least, none of himself.

But Patton continuously shuts them down.

He says that he’s the one that always wanted to be a stay at home husband/dad.

That, if anything, Virgil was the one that was changing his plans to accommodate Patton’s own wish.

Because Virgil wanted to be a music artist.

He wanted to create all kinds of music of all kinds of genres and had ever since they were children.

But he was going to put that dream on the backburner until they were together and stable enough financially that he could focus on it.

Patton also defends that Virgil just doesn’t like to be in pictures.

He shows them that the only pictures Virgil had ever been in had been ones where Patton had kept him in the shot or he’d been caught unawares.

He says that he doesn’t mind waiting until they reunited to actually see Virgil.

That he’s fine with the pictures he has and is perfectly happy sending his own instead.

He constantly tells both Roman and Logan that this is something he genuinely wants and that they don’t need to worry.

And, although neither of them really stop worrying about it, they eventually leave him mostly alone about it.

So Patton goes about his middle and high school years sending and receiving letters from Virgil while preparing to one day marry his childhood best friend.

Meanwhile, in Alaska, Virgil does the same.

He makes a couple of friends of his own, but they are much less suspicious and against the idea of him marrying Patton.

In fact, both of them, and the entire small town Virgil lives in, are incredibly supportive of Virgil one day marrying his childhood best friend.

There are many reasons for this.

One being that it’s always been pretty obvious to everyone in town that Virgil absolutely loves Patton.

It wasn’t obvious in that he shouted it from the rooftops, like Patton did.

But, rather, it was obvious in how he talked about the other and how happy he always was to receive one of his letters.

Another reason everyone supported the plan was because of everything they knew about Patton and absolutely adored the other boy, despite never meeting him.

Virgil was always happy to talk about his future husband and could go on for hours about the smallest of things, like Patton’s tiny, almost invisible, freckles on his nose, so they all knew quite a lot about him.

And Virgil was also always happy to show off the pictures Patton sent.(which essentially translates to him always being happy to just show off Patton in general.)

So everyone very quickly gained very high opinions of the other.

A third reason was simply that Virgil was so incredibly determined to be the best husband to Patton that he pushed himself to constantly be better at everything he did.

He worked out regularly to make sure he was strong and fast enough to both do any fun activities Patton might want to do, be able to protect Patton from any sort of harm, and make sure he was physically appealing to the other.

He maintained various beauty regimens(as did Patton for similar reasons)to make sure his skin was clear and soft and his hair was also soft and smooth.

He learned various skills(metal working, bartending, car maintenance, handy work, construction, dancing, and various others)to make sure he could apply for basically any job in the future.

And he spent the majority of his time doing odd jobs around the town so that he could eventually save up enough money to buy a plane ticket to Florida and buy a house for them to live in when he got there.

So it was kind of hard to go against his complete determination to marry the other in the future.

Instead, everyone supported him.

Including Thomas and Deceit(Heckin’ hard to include Dee in AU’s like this since he doesn’t have an actual name and I don’t want to give him one of my own out of concern that I’ll confuse myself later when he finally does get one.)who both honestly believe that Patton and Virgil will definitely meet again and get married one day.

One particular person, the metal smith/jewelry maker whom Virgil works for the most, even offers to give Virgil the materials he needs for whatever kind of ring he wants to give Patton, so long as Virgil makes it himself.

So, in his senior year of high school, Virgil asks for the materials and makes a set of rings for himself and Patton.

And after graduating, alongside Thomas and Deceit, he leaves Alaska and moves back to Florida.

Patton finds out about Virgil coming to Florida and the two exchange cell phone numbers with the intent on simply calling each other when he arrives and quickly meeting right after that.

But Patton ends up losing his phone and getting a new number.

He also forgot Virgil’s number and left the boxes of letters from Virgil, including the one with the phone number on it, back at his childhood home instead of taking it them with him to his shared apartment in a separate city in Florida hours away from home.

So Virgil calls, but gets no answer.

Surprisingly, he isn’t incredibly bothered by it.

When Thomas and Deceit question this, Virgil just tells them that Patton was clumsy sometimes and reminds them that he’d already managed to lose and break three phones in the past year alone.

So he figures that he’ll just have to find Patton the harder way.

Although he’s attending a university within a particular city hours away from his old childhood friend, when he has the time to make the trip, he goes back there and meets up with Patton’s parents.

They recognize him almost instantly and welcome him in easily.

When he asks, they confirm his theory that Patton had simply broken his phone and they tell him that they know Patton is attending a particular university.

And it turns out they’re going to the same place.

Virgil had left Alaska before he could hear about which school Patton decided to go to, so he’s happy to hear that they’re actually so close together.

So he heads back and starts trying to keep an eye out for the other.

But, unfortunately, their schedules manage to keep them from meeting.

A few months go by and it’s agonizing for both of them.

Patton has no way of contacting Virgil anymore and just plans on staying in school and waiting for the other to eventually find him somehow.

Roman and Logan find this plan slightly ridiculous and just try to quietly make him give up on waiting try actually being with other people instead.

Meanwhile, Virgil just continues to search for Patton while Thomas(He’s attending school with Virgil but Deceit is content with just working from home.(I want him to be a game developer. I think he’d enjoy doing something like that.)tries to keep an eye out at well.

But, while Virgil and Patton don’t meet up, everyone else does.

Thomas ends up in the same performing arts courses as Roman.

Virgil ends up in the same academic courses as Logan.

Patton ends up in some of the same humanities courses as Thomas.

Virgil ends up getting involved with Roman’s performing arts classes because he’s in a wood working course and comes by sometimes to help out backstage.(As more work practice, really.)

So everyone meets and gets closer to each other.

But Roman and Logan don’t realize who Virgil is and Thomas never actually meets Patton during class because it’s an online course where all of the students usually use nicknames when they communicate.

Instead, Logan and Roman befriend Virgil without even knowing who he is.

This happens because everyone simply knows him for his last name, Storm, and Roman and Logan, and even Patton, don’t actually know what he looks like now.

Logan and Virgil become particularly good friends, Roman and Virgil gaining more of a frenemies sort of relationship, and it becomes a game between them for Logan to figure out what Virgil’s first name actually is.

More months go by and it’s almost a full year later when Logan finally figures it out.

By this time, Patton has also started looking for Virgil, having heard from his parents that he was going to the same university, but they’ve still had no luck.

Until Logan and Virgil are sitting in a cafe, Logan taking calculated guesses on what Virgil’s first name is.

Virgil ends up confessing, after Logan asks him several random questions in the hope of getting some kind of hint, that his last name of Storm was actually the one he’d gotten after being adopted by his uncle.

That his original last name was actually Knight.

And, suddenly, Logan realizes who he is and is proven correct when he says the name Virgil and Virgil laughs in surprise at him getting it right so quickly after learning his original last name.

And Logan is freaking out now because this has to be Patton’s Virgil.

Patton had said that he attended the same universtiy.

That the other had dark, almost black, brown hair and purple eyes.

That he was as smart as Logan and was very witty.

That he wanted to create music one day but was currently just striving to be good at enough things to get himself a solid job to support them both with.

And Storm, the classmate he’d been friends with for almost a year now, matched that description perfectly.

Logan feels like an idiot for not realizing it sooner and kind of shuts down while Virgil wonders what broke him, until Logan suddenly admits that Patton is going to be upset with him and then Virgil is up like a shot, questioning him.

And Logan explains that he’s both friends and roommates with the other, alongside Roman, and offers to help them meet up that weekend.

Logan says nothing to Patton but talks about it all with Roman.

And the two end up admitting that they actually think that Virgil was a good match with Patton.

In fact, they’ve been trying to discreetly set the two up for weeks now but with no luck.

So, a few days later, they take Patton to the place they agreed to meet Virgil at and Virgil is waiting there with Thomas.

And Patton knows it’s Virgil as soon as he sees him, sure because of the eyes and the familiar but different face.

And Virgil just doesn’t really know what to do when he finally sees Patton as well and ends up just saying, “Hey, Patty...”.

And Patton just starts running towards him and launches himself at him at full speed.

And Virgil catches him easily and holds him close and they both start crying and rambling about how happy they are to be together and how they’ve missed each other and been waiting so long.

And then Virgil eventually sets Patton down again and gets down on one knee and proposes without hesitation.

And Patton says yes, without hesitation.

And they end up clinging to each other for the rest of the day and already start making plans to find a place of their own to move into, one that’s close so that they can both still finish school together.

And they make more plans to meet up as much as possible when they can and, eventually, they follow thru with those plans.

And, a few years after this, once Patton has graduated with a bachelors in culinary arts and Virgil continues working towards a degree in music production, while working a few various jobs that keep them both afloat in the house they purchased with Virgil’s savings, they finally get married.

And they continue to live a happy life together.

And that’s that.

Whew...

That was a lot.

But I really like this AU, okay?

It’s very romantic and cute, to me.

And I’ve thought about it a lot.

I have a few different versions of it in my head.

This is just one of my favorites.

I ended up rambling about it a bit more than I expected tho, tbh.

Ah well.

Hope nobody minds.

Here’s the gen taglist.

@a-snoway-afternoon @ashrain5 @virgilscat @gumdrop2113@chelama @dragonsight9 @marse-422 @derpiest-unicorn @i-identify-as-a-mango @fearfilledvirgil@lunariadyva-multifandom-blog @blitzgamev

Please tell me if I missed you or if you’d like to be added to either the gen list or any sort of list for this series or just a list for my rambles in general.

(Go here for the actual fic.)

(A Bed of Links:)

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[galaxyacerodoesart]

Me: Oh, I should go back at drawing some more “normal” stuff for the Sanders Sides fandom..i sure miss those guys just by themselves! No AUs, just them! c:

Also Me: I WILL throw my shitty cursed Sanderstuck AU at your guys faces and you all WILL ENJOY IT.

AKA. Homestuck Panel Edits are fun, and i won’t be letting go of my Sanderstuck AU too soon, so ya’ll better be ready for panel edits of this cursed AU in the future, because they certainly are fun to make asfsadjkasdklasj

All of my Sanderstuck sprites can be find HERE AND! Under Read more some background story for what is going on in this picture AND Virgil/Roman relationship in the AU in case anyone is interested in my train of thought during the making of this, BE WARNED THOUGH, it is long. I like to talk and give things details, don’t blame me >:’T

First, without getting too into the story itself of the AU, Virgil and Roman relationship in this AU is simple: 

At the Start, they couldn’t stand each other, their opinions and views on things were pretty much opposites, with Roman always trying to see the bright side of things while Virgil would jump straight to the bad and pessimistic side of things, so basically no matter what Roman would bring up to the table, Virgil would point the bad side of every single one of his ideas, which would lead to their endless rants and fights. They would talk with each other to begin with,mainly because both were friends with Logan and Patton (so they basically were dragged into conversations together by them). When shit hit the fan and Sburb happens, and everyone is dragged to pretty much save the universe, Virgil is obviously TERRIFIED and ready to just die and be the reason the universe ceased to exist in the first place, while Roman is seeing it as all he ever dreamed of (Being the hero?! Saving not only the world, BUT THE UNIVERSE?! Count he in) so again, their views of things clashed against one another, Roman wanting to jump and fight to the “greater good” and Virgil not believing for one second they can pull this through, eventually going with Roman saying Virgil wouldn’t be needed to end the game at all, since everything he did was bring everyone’s spirits down anyway (Which is definitely a lie, as, ironically, both him AND Virgil are the most important players, being a Space and Time players respectively, but obviously Roman isn’t aware of that at the start) this leads to a pretty awful tension in the team, as after hearing that Virgil isn’t talking to anyone for what feels like ages, completely isolating himself until he finally seems to just dissapears. Plot related things happen, with Virgil ending up going Grimdark at some point, just in time for Roman to come to terms and realize (with a lot of explanation and help realizing some shit from Logan, Patton, Thomas and even Remy) HOW WRONG he was about Virgil’s part in their game, and about Virgil as a person in general. His negative view of things weren’t his way to try to bring Roman’s ideas down, but to actually improve them, since pretty much all the time, all the “criticism” he received from Virgil would have improved his ideas if he just stopped to listen. Virgil wasn’t hating on everything Roman did, he actually cared so much about it, that he would try to make sure they were perfect, so everything would go well and no one would get hurt. After realizing that, Roman sets off to try to find and apologize to Virgil, so they can start from zero and actually become friends.

Meanwhile, on Virgil’s side, he literally isolated himself in the void believing everyone would be better without him holding them back like that, that was part of the reason at least, what he would never tell a soul, is that the words Roman threw at him did hit him HARD, since as far as he could remember, Virgil always admired Roman’s way of seeing things, and honestly wished he could see things as positively and passionate as he did, and would be lying to himself if he said he may or may not had develop some sort of crush on the other, but being to scared to do any sort of move, he just kept that little detail to himself, so yeah, Roman words really did hurt him. When Roman and the others FINALLY find Virgil, they all try to reach for him but he was into the void and believing in Roman’s words for so long, that it seemed almost impossible to pull him back, ending with the last person they would think would help to actually solve the issue and bring Virgil out of the void and out of his Grimdark state: Dolian. Sure, he was a Void Player, but no one really imagined he would be willing to help out like that, but since everyone was too busy crying tears of happiness to have Virgil back, they let it slide. When he is able to finally talk with Virgil, Roman tells him all he realized while he was gone, and gives the most sincere apologize he can manage, to which Virgil accepts after understanding Roman’s side of things. 

Time jump  a few weeks, everyone is gathered around the same living-space at this point (Think the meteor in Homestuck where Kanaya, Rose, Karkat, Dave and Terezi stay, it’s pretty much the same thing) Roman does keep his word of trying to understand more Virgil way of thinking, and slow but surely, they get to the point where they can call each other “friends” which while is amazing (Patton is SO proud of his boys omg) things definitely aren’t easy on Virgil’s heart, as the silly crush he had on Roman before Sburb happened only gets stronger now that both are on actual good terms, Virgil only ever told Logan about said crush, as he know the others wouldn’t tell a soul about it, or make a big event of it, so at that point, Logan is Virgil’s “to go talk about this stupid crush” guy.  At one point, already getting enough of all that, Logan just straight up suggests that Virgil just TELLS Roman how he feels, literally going on saying “Realistic, we literally don’t know if we will even survive the events of this game, so you really don’t have anything to lose by telling him how you feel”  to which Virgil panics almost screaming how he “can’t just tell someone how much he loves them” which had Logan responding with “Then just write your feelings down. Not saying you will need to send him a letter saying how you feel, but it might make things easier for you to get all this pressure out of your shoulders” to which Virgil reluctantly agrees.  Unknown to BOTH of them, Roman was hearing the whole conversation (Don’t blame him, the space they are isn’t exactly huge, and neither of them really were using indoor voices anyway) although he doesn’t really know WHO IS the person they are talking about as no name was dropped any time, all Roman knows, is that Virgil has a crush on someone and is struggling to tell them. Which, surprise surprise, low key hurts Roman, who was actually starting to develop a crush on Virgil as well, now that he knew who he really was. And no, of course at no point Roman stops to consider he might be the person Virgil is talking about, he hurt Virgil in the past right?! His words and stupid beliefs almost lead to Virgil being completely lost and left to die in the void, no way Virgil would have a crush on him after all that. Whoever, for the first time in what seems forever, Roman decides to push his own feelings and needs aside, and actually focus on Virgil’s instead. If Virgil needed help confessing to who he loved, he was going to help him! That’s what friends do, he owned him after all he did! He was a hopeless romantic anyway, if there was one thing he knew, was how to confess to someone, so even if it hurt, Roman would make Virgil and whoever he liked be together and happily ever after! It is what Virgil deserves, happiness, right?! Who cares about his own feelings, Roman would be fine. He probably didn’t deserve Virgil anyway, not after all he has done to him. 

And unknown to both, Roman and Virgil, literally everyone in that place knows about their crushes on each other, they are obvious like that. But they all respect their own wishes and are willing to let them tell each other their feelings in their own time. Which sadly seems like it will take a while because, goddammit, those two are slow when they want to.

SOOO YEAH. That’s pretty much how Prinxiety works in this AU. Two idiots who clearly love each other, but one doesn’t know how to tell the other, and the other don’t believe he deserves to be with the other after all he did to him. The idea behind the panel I edited is pretty much a follow of the last details i explained, Virgil writing his feelings down on letters that (if depending on him) will never really be given to Roman, while Roman wants to help Virgil write his heart out, because “he owns him for everything he did in the past”, despite the fact he would want nothing more than be together in a relationship with Virgil at that point, and Virgil obviously trying to push him aside because “HELLO?! HOW CAN I WRITE DOWN ABOUT MY CRUSH FOR YOU IF YOU ARE LITERALLY NEXT TO ME?! NO, STOP! DON’T YOU DARE READ ANYTHING IN THAT PAPER!!!” but Roman isn’t giving up on helping him so he can finally be happy like he deserves to be. 

[dr-gloom]

Coffee Date?

Part 1  Part 2  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7  Part 8  Part 9

Part 3 is here! I had an idea for it but atm it’s not getting me anywhere, so I’m going on this new tangent

Whiiiiich means there may be a future part that takes place between parts 2 and 3 and I am soooo sorry. Of course, I could just leave it out and the story would be fine. I’m taking too much space for this.... just.... if I can write it out, I will, if I can’t, the story won’t suffer for it.

This one is going to start rather slow to some (most) people; it’s Virgil and Roman’s first meeting.

Fandom: Sanders’ Sides

Pairings: the platonic friendly kind

Warnings/Tags: Feelings of depression, Human AU, anxiety, anxiety attack, mentions of abuse, past abusive relationship

Read it on AO3

fic masterlist

like what I do? buy me a coffee or GoFundMe

Virgil spent a lot of time on his own now. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Patton or Logan, in fact they were practically family (Pat more-so than Logan, whom he’d only met a couple years ago through Patton), so he loved them dearly. It was just... having someone around all the time was overwhelming, sometimes. Patton was almost always home when Virgil was awake (he’d be the first to admit his sleeping schedule was... horrendous), and when he wasn’t Logan was usually there. Virgil could cut off his thumb and still count on that one hand the number of times he’s been completely alone in Patton’s- in their apartment. 

Logan didn’t live there, per se. He had his own place, but he spent most of his time outside of work at Patton’s and Virgil’s apartment. Virgil is pretty sure Logan has a crush on Patton, but Patton hasn’t said anything so he figures it’s not his business anyways. So he’d decided to give them some time to themselves and dipped out of the apartment shortly after Logan stopped in. Currently, he was just wandering aimlessly through town; he didn’t care if he got lost. He... didn’t care about a lot of things, anymore. He’d never tell Patton that, though. His friend would be heartbroken to hear that he didn’t care of he lived or died. After everything Patton’s done for him, he couldn’t hurt him like that. Virgil stopped in front of a small coffee shop and went inside. 

The interior is plenty cozy, with warm redwood furniture and soft creme-colored walls. Virgil glances around for a moment before walking up to the counter, glancing at the sunny employee’s smile before looking down at his chest. He didn’t know how to feel about people smiling at him. “Hello there, dark prince. What will you be having this fine afternoon?” Virgil raises an eyebrow at the nickname and looks over the menu before muttering, “Can... Can I uh... hot chocolate?” The employee - Roman, if his name tag is correct - smiles and nods, grabbing the biggest size and writing Virgil’s order. “Will that be all?” Virgil nods. “Alright, your total is $3.37.” Virgil takes a five out of his pocket and hands it over, telling Roman “Keep the change.” before sitting in the furthest, most isolated corner of the coffee shop. Virgil pulls out his phone, quickly exiting out of his texting history without looking and pulling up Tumblr. While he waits, Virgil scrolls through his dash and reblogs/likes whatever he finds funny. After a few minutes of this, a coffee cup is set in front of him and Virgil looks up to see Roman smiling kindly down at him holding his own coffee cup. 

“I’m starting my break right now. Would you mind me joining you?” Virgil shakes his head and tries his best attempt at a smile before picking up his cup and sipping at his hot chocolate. That’s some good shit. Virgil goes back to his phone, ignoring Roman. 

Roman, apparently, has other plans because he tries to strike up a conversation. “Soooo. You never told me your name. You know, that’s usually the custom in coffee shops.” Virgil raises an eyebrow and looks around. “Well, I think it’s accurate to assume that out of a clientele of... 7 people, you could find my face.” Out of curiosity, he looks at what Roman wrote on his cup.

Tall, Dark, and Handsome

Virgil instantly feels his face heat up. He sets the cup down a little too quickly and stuffs his hands in his lap. Roman grins. “So, can I have the name of the prince of my dreams, tonight?” Virgil looks up at Roman, making eye contact for the first time since he’s walked in. “I- I uh-” He wasn’t sure how he felt about all of this, but he didn’t think it was good. Roman leans in with a soft smirk, and Virgil leans back. 

“Or maybe you could tell me over dinner tonight?” He reaches over and takes Virgil’s hand, kissing his knuckles. Virgil shudders and pulls his hand back, feeling sick. “I really-” 

“Or perhaps you need to think on it? That’s alright, take all the time you need.” Virgil’s eyes dart around the small shop. Including the other employees, there were ten other people in the building right now. Ten people to witness if Virgil flipped out and made a scene. Ten people to watch this practical stranger get angry with him because he can’t even turn someone down right. He can still feel Roman’s lips pressed against his hand and it’s making his breathing come out a little funny. He brings a hand up to his chest; has his heart always beat this fast? He looks up at Roman to see the other staring at him. Oh god, he was already making a scene, he was being a nuisance. He clenches his fists in his lap and stares at his knees, shaking slightly, sinking into his bulky black hoodie. 

Roman smiled as a gothic cutie walked in, looking around before coming up to the counter. Roman couldn’t help the little nickname that slipped out as he asked what Virgil wanted, and he wrote the order on the cup before taking the money with a grin. It wasn’t until said cutie was gone that he realized he forgot to get his name. He hums in thought before writing Tall, Dark, and Handsome in sharpie. He briefly debated adding a small heart, or his number, but decided to play it safe and just made the man’s hot chocolate. When he brought it to him, Roman was practically vibrating with nerves as he asked to join. Truthfully, he had actually just clocked out for the day, but cute boys were much more receptive when you were only going to be around for fifteen minutes, not indefinitely. 

When he asked for Dark Angel’s name and got that snarky response about how empty the coffee shop was, he had to hide a laugh behind his hand. When the stranger looked at the cup and turned red, Roman internally cheered. He’s totally into me! He called the other the prince of his dreams. Smooth. When they made eye contact and Roman looked into those beautiful eyes, he couldn’t help but suggest dinner. He was a romantic at heart, this was his... semi-grand gesture. He kissed Dark and Stormy’s hand, feeling suave as hell, until cutie pulls his hand back. He backtracks; don’t want to come on too strong now, Roman. Then he’s looking around, and Roman can see him starting to freak out, and oh god he really screwed this one up didn’t he? 

“I’m really sorry, did I read this wrong? If you’re not into guys you can say so, I’m sorry I overstepped. Are you alright?” 

Virgil barely heard what Roman said, his heart beating loudly in his ears. He stood on slightly shaky legs, stuttering out an excuse to leave as he grabbed his phone and the cup and started heading for the door. He made it outside but didn’t stop, blindly turning and walking down the sidewalk. Was he heading to Patton’s, or away from it? He didn’t care, he just wanted to be away from that coffee place. A hand grabs his shoulder and he spins around; if not for the panic gripping his throat he would have screamed. 

Roman stands before him, face the picture of concern and guilt, hands fidgeting in front of him like he doesn’t know what to do with them. After a moment of silence, he speaks up. “I swear I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable and I’m so sorry for whatever I said and did that made it seem like I had ill intentions. Can... Can I make it up to you? We can go wherever you like, any public place with plenty of witnesses even, and we can just chat. I’d like to be your friend, if that’s okay.” Virgil looks at Roman, studying his face for signs of a lie. But you could never spot them on D-. Virgil nods slowly, shoving his hands deep in his hoodie pockets to hide their trembling. “Yeah... Okay. Let’s go to the park.” Virgil looks around, then turns and starts heading for the park. He hasn’t been over there yet, but he’s seen it when he goes to the store with Patton - they pass right by it. 

He can feel Roman following behind a couple steps back, and he can also feel the waves of guilt and anxiety coming off of him. Maybe Roman wasn’t such a bad guy after all? Maybe Virgil really did just misunderstand him? They reach the park after a few silent minutes of walking and Virgil plops down on the nearest park bench with a small sigh. Roman sits beside him, leaving a good six inches between them, and the two silently people watch.

It seems like hours before Roman finally gathers the courage to open his mouth. “So... If you don’t mind me asking, and if you don’t mind telling a virtual stranger, what happened?” Virgil doesn’t bother asking what he means; he already knows. He sighs slowly, leaning his elbows on his knees and looking at the concrete between his feet. 

“I met Dee back in our Junior year of high school. He had just moved here from like, Texas, I think? So he had no friends. We became close pretty fast, along with my childhood friend Patton.” Virgil rubs his chin with his index finger as he thinks. “He asked me out to Junior prom. Before then, we’d both known we liked the other but were dancing around it. Prom was our first date, I guess.” He has no idea why he’s telling Roman all of this, but he feels like he can trust him. “We started dating after that. He was... a great boyfriend, the best really. So kind and considerate, wanted to protect the people he cared about... When we graduated, he asked me to move in with him, which I did. He went to school and I stayed home. He said if I got a job he’d never get to see me, so I didn’t. He apparently had enough money from his parents that we didn’t have to worry about stuff like rent. 

“When he got closer to finally graduating, I think the stress began to get to him. He started becoming more snappy, he was easily angered, and he didn’t smile or joke as much anymore. By the time he’d finally gotten his degree, he was almost a completely different person.” Virgil closes his eyes briefly. “He wanted me to ask permission before I did anything without him, he didn’t want me going to see certain friends, and even the ones he liked I had to ask about first. He... He’d come home from a bad day at work and. And he’d hit me.” Virgil opens his eyes when a gentle hand settles on his shoulder. “He’d started to do it when I messed something up, or if I argued with him. When I did something without asking. A- a few months ago-...” His voice breaks and he has to take a deep breath before continuing. “A few months ago, he raped me for the first time.” 

This is the first time he’s said it out loud, and the words bring tears to his eyes. “H-he said if I loved him, I’d do this for him, and- and I did, I do, y’know?” He scoffs derisively. “God, how fucked am- am I that I still love him. He hurt me over and over and left me to rot and I still... I miss him.” Roman is silent for a long moment, letting Virgil compose himself before speaking up. “No you don’t.” At the quizzical look Virgil shoots him, he elaborates. “You were used to a certain... way of living. An expectation for how your day, or maybe the rest of your life, would go. Now that he’s not in your life... That expectation is gone. You don’t miss him, you miss the expectation.” He hums and sits back. “Well, maybe you miss him, but I’m sure it’s the old him you miss. That man has been gone for a long time; have you mourned him, yet?”

Virgil looks at Roman, blown away by how the man who’d been goofily hitting on him not even an hour ago was now speaking with such... wisdom. He shakes his head, and Roman nods. “You should. You’ll feel better.” Virgil bites his lip.

“Virgil.” 

Roman looks over at him. “What?” 

“My name’s Virgil.” 

He smiles. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Virgil.”

Virgil hesitates before walking through the front door, trying to relax. It’d be fine. Patton always said the more the merrier, right? As soon as the door shut behind him, he was being nearly bowled over by Patton running over and pulling him into a hug. “Oh my god, kiddo! You had me so worried! Where have you been? Are you okay?” Virgil felt a ball of guilt settle in his stomach and gently hugged Patton back. “Pat, I told you I was going out today, you didn’t have to worry.”

“But you were gone for so long!”

“Patton, we have been over this. Virgil is an adult, he can take care of himself just fine.” Logan comes wandering out of the kitchen, standing a couple feet back from the other two still by the door. Virgil gives him a small wave that he returns. “So, how was your outing?” Virgil swallowed nervously. Here goes. “Pretty good... I even made a friend.” Patton gasps and pulls back, holding Virgil at arm’s length. Patton was the only person Virgil would ever let touch him this much, but right now he really wished he’d stop. “That’s great kiddo! Who are they?” Virgil picks at his cuticles. “Well... his name’s Roman.” 

“Roman?”

“Yeah...”

“And how old is this Roman?” Uh oh. Dad voice. 

“He’s the same age as us, Pat.” Virgil looks from Patton to Logan then back again.

“And you just met him today.” Virgil looks at the carpet. “....Yes.”

“Virge, you know I love you, and trust you with my life, but how well do you really know this guy?”

“Well enough that I told him about Dee.” 

That makes the room go silent, and Virgil pushes on before he loses his nerve. “And we’ve been talking all day and getting to know each other. I actually uh... invited him over... for dinner...?” Patton blinks, trying to fight back a smile. “Really.” 

“Yeah...” 

“Well, where is he then?” Logan takes a step forward. Virgil nods and opens the front door, leaning out into the hallway and calling out. “Hey dude you can come in, they won’t kill you.” Patton opens his mouth to say something when Roman walks into the room and Logan of all people cuts him off. 

“Roman Prince?”

“Logan Barry?”

Patton and Virgil share a confused look. “You know him, Lo?”

Logan nods, still staring at Roman slightly wide-eyed. “He was my college roommate.” 

A grin almost instantly splits Patton’s face. “Well! The more the merrier!” Virgil would bring up the fact that Patton just decided to trust Logan and not him, but honestly he’s just glad this worked out okay. 

“So, what’s for dinner tonight, Padre?” Virgil snrks at the nickname and Patton positively beams.

“Pasta!” 

A/N: Well this one definitely did not write itself.

I blame this on the fact that I waited until midnight to start on it and I’m tired. 

I realize I’m giving you all these little hope nuggets when you already know what’s going to happen, and honestly I’m not sorry at all, I’m horrible.

Hopefully this is okay!

Taglist:  @metaphoricalpluto2 @bunny222