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chido2001 · 5 months ago

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A long post about Filial piety from my point of view (Part 1)

First of all, I think I need to make things clear: this is not a philosophical post nor sth religious, political etc. This is just a post for me to talk about something that is happening to me involving household problems, parental problem, and some of principal Filial piety that making me thinking, cause Idk how long can I carry on without letting things off my chest. Yes, I should have came up with a more close-to-the-ground title, but it's 2 a.m now and I don't have enough energy for brainstorming. Also pardon me if you find this post somewhat hard to follow. I just write down things that came up in my mind, I will edit them later if conditions are met. English is also not my native language, so excuse my grammar and vocabs.

I came from a common family. When I said "common family", I meant it. My parents are both blue collar workers. Both growing up in the time of Vietnam concentrated economy, both dropped out of school as soon as they were able to earn money. So, yeah, not really coming from a long line of artist or scholar lineage. And heck we definite don't have a penny to our name

Mom used to work in a clothes factory as long as I could remember, until the paycheck no longer be able to cover the expense. She retired, .Even now she's still doing the same thing, picking up orders from shop owners, doing her parts, and delivering the products back. She's the one responsible for the tuition fee of me and my brother, and so far , she's the one putting me through college. Tbh, though I'm helping her as much as I can , I am not really fond of her job. Back in the freshman year, I many time found myself felling desperate while helping her ironing the details.

Dad works many years as a security guard for a real estate corporation, in which my uncle works as a desk-job-worker (idk what's his position, but he definitely helped my dad landing his job). He used to be assigned to some of the comp establishment, until finally rooting in a wet market near house. Back in the day, he also worked as a somewhat motorcycle tavi driver (it's like Uber drive, but for bike, and before the apps), but as time went, he got older, and Idk if he is still doing this, but it's less likely, since he's really adapting to the modern technology (but to somewhat degree, it's still causing troubles, but I will get to that).

We lived as a nuclear family (4 members, recently adopted a dog, so 5), but my fatherside relatives literally live next door, and we all live in smalls houses in a small alleys, pretty much counted as an extended family. So, yeah, I grew up from a typical-minimum-wage common Asian nuclear-extended family. To be frank, the minimum wage is only achieved some what when I was in the secondary school. I remember many time my aunt have to bring over food for my dinner cause there's nothing on the table beside white rice, fish sauce, boiled vegetable and water of it. And especially as an Asian family, we are still very much influenced by traditions and customs, and undoubtedly, Asian generational bad habbit.

Let's start with the less problematic one, my Mom. As a child raised by an 100% pure-blood, out-of-mold Asian mom, I can assure you that those memes on the internet about them is very much true, more or less. Cause growing up, there's two things I can be sure my mom has for me: expectation, and strict parenting. As far as I can remember, the first essay I wrote at school was "Write a letter to a friend and talk about your dream job", and I pretty sure I wrote that I "...want to be rich, and to achieve that dream, I will go for financial college...". I was 7-8 then. I liked super heroes, I liked games, I like toys like other boys...and for some reason, that idea has been implanted into my mind since childhood, and I'm pretty sure I didn't get that from my dad.

"...But she's your mom. It's normal for her to have high hopes for her kids..." . Yes, I'm not blaming her for that. And to be honest, compare to many other typical Asian moms, her expectation for us is much more simple: all she wants is a house in Dalat to enjoy her old age there alone.

(For those who don't know, Dalat is like a resort city in my country. Located in the highland region, heavily influenced by French architecture, well known for its fauna diversity, it's like those European travel destinations, but in Vietnam.)

In short, she wanted to have a problem-free, carefree future, and sure, that's the least thing I can do for her, since she's the one that looks after me all the time. One thing about Asian household is that it's heavily matriarch, and mine is no exception. My mom is the one taking care of our needs (she bought clothes, toys, anything we want that appropriate), our academic performances (she paid the tuition fees, and she spent everything she had just to give us the best education) and especially our health. I was born with some physical flawns, the "God perfected, and I defected/ I was made wrong" problems, especially with the testicles, and many time in my growing, my mom had to be the one paying my medical bills AND taking care of my sick little body. I remember when I was in the age of ten, I went through a major operation, it was mom who had to go around, borrow money from every person she knew to pay for the operation and medicines, and it took her quite a while to pay it all back. Even now, whenever I feel under the weather, it's still my mom that I go for to tell about my condition.

But back to the main point, she takes care of us, it's obviously we have to take a good care of her, no doubt. But growing up under her wings, there's one thing that really holding her from being a perfect mother (I know I sound like a dick here, but tbh, I haven't found a way to address this differently), at least in my view: overcomparison, both herself and others in her household to other. See, in our Vietnamese culture, there's this thing called "con nhà người ta" (the other kids). Growing up, you will be constantly be compared to those other kids. You didn't get a good mark in the exam? "Those other kids could make it, why couldn't you". You said that the other kids couldn't do better? "That's the other kids problems. It's YOU problem". In short, the perfect comparison/ excuse to be yelled at.

And in my case, it's somewhat worse.

Cause to me, that other kid did exist.

And she was my aunt.

She was two year older. And unlike me, her household is much more stable. She went to prestige schools, and her academic performances is way better. She's also well behaved and hard working, etc.

In short, the perfect Golden Child

Don't get me wrong. I love my aunt (that sounds a little bit wrong, but yes, I do love her). We are really close (probably somewhat due to our small age gap). She's always like a sister to me. And nowadays, I usually come to her when I need advice at all sort of stuffs (We're also major in I.T, so yeah, a lot of advices needed).

But growing up being compared to her is not a pleasant memories, though I don't really have much problem with that.. Mostly when my mom made those comparisons, it's after the parent-teacher meetings, and usually in those meeting, I was said to be "troublesome", more or less. But tbh, before high school, I wasn't sure if I was such a headache. A little bit talkative in elementary, mostly bad hand writing in junior high, nothing serious. Yes I admit I was full blown awful in high school: late attendance, skipping class( due to being late), dozing off in class, etc. And nowadays, hearing my mom recalled those meeting, I don't think the problem was as big as an elephant like it seemed to be.

I cannot be objective about this, cause now looking back, I'm not sure if I was a well-behaving. You see, as a tailor, my mom used stick and ruler a lot. She used to had this one particular stick that was like carved from a intact wood body. So slim, yet so thick that every time you swang it, you could here the sound of the air splitted, and when it hit the flesh with enough force, it would leave a mark that lasted for days.She used to use that stick to spank us, disciplined us when we're not well behaving. And unfortunately, I'm the elder one. I grew up with smacks on my bottom, so much that one of my aunt had to warn my brother to behave cause "You didn't get smacked in the butt as much as your brother did". And usually the reason I got smacked, as I can recall, was probably because I was lying, or I ripped pages out of my notebook. My brother was lucky that it got lost somewhere.

But the worst case of my disciplining didn't involve the stick. It was when I in the 2nd grade. Mom was still a factory worker, Dad usually home so he made lunch for me. I used to walk home during noon time, and go back to school at the begining of the afternoon. There're those shops near school that sold toys and candies which many times caught my attention. As a kid, I didn't have much allowance. So, when I saw some cash lying around, being on the altar for spiritual reason, or around for some reason, I constantly took some of them. Things got worse, to the point I started pick pocketing my parent's wallet. Soon after that, no doubt that my mom caught me red handed. And comes one of my biggest childhood trauma moment: my mom walking into the bedroom, with a knife. And I can still remember she saying "It's you or me. Your choice". It seems that my dad had a bad habit of stealing money from my mom, even before I was born. So seeing her kids following that footstep is not an option.

Another time I broke her heart is nack in junior high. I usually hang out at the internet cafe (it's like the arcade center, but with computers) near my school which was conveniently near my house. My mom was already having a bad impression about those places, deeming them as "nests of bad habit", plus the senior year of junior high was considered more important than the highschools, due to the entry exam that you can only participate once in a lifetime. You could say that she was more or less sitting on the fire then. And because I went to a local school, she got a pretty tight grip of my schedule. I was caught red handed being in those place no less than five time. The worst time was when she decided to smashed that one usb I used to download film into so that I could watch them at home (we didn't have wifi nor pc at home back then). I did recall it clearly that I said "Why don't you just unalive me already?". I didn't really remember what happened after that, but I'm pretty sure we didn't see eyes to eyes for at least a week. And yeah, back then my concept of life and stuffs was pretty twisted, probably affected by things considered "edgy". And that's definitely the most stupid thing I have ever said. Nowaday, I don't even dare to address any problem that unthoughtfully. But yeah, words for future parents: brace yourself for the tween/ teenage, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

But well, as I getting older, I realized that all of those high expectations and strict parenting was so that my brother and I can grow up to be "decent people". She has sacrificed most of her life to this family, to us. So much that even when considering thing from a respective point of view, even I couldn't ask for more (and it will be ungrateful if I ever let those thoughts out loud). Even though I used to think that her hopes and dreams for me was strangling me, or still I think that putting all your hopes and dream on the shoulder of your kids to carry is not the most suitable things, I can't deny that everything she has done is for our best, and so I try to meet some of her expectations. I got into university, "The top university of engineering of the whole nation" more precisely (it's like MIT in comparison), so at least she has sth to be proud of so far. I had this job as a English tutor in my first few years in college, when I always use my paycheck from that to help her with the bills. And yeah, I am still going to hold my end of bargain, I will tried to help her get her dream house, sooner or later.

And for my money problem, tbh nowadays, I don't even want to ask money from my parents (only when I need to refill the bike, and the account is lower than the minimum withdrawn threshold), let alone steal it.

But, as all things in life connect to each other one way or another. My mom habit of comparing somehow affects to the major problem in my household: my Dad.

--To be continued--

P/s: I intended to make it all into one post, but yeah so much things to say that I have to consider. And because my Dad is , in my pov, more of a problem than my mom has ever been, I think I have to deliver this carefully.

Thank you, Mom, for everything. It's my sins that I will never says "Thank you" or "I love you" enough.

#Filial piety #thoughts #mental health #sharing #parents #mom #mother

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bramblewatchescharmed · 11 months ago

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s1e8 "Bug a Boo"

Thoughts after watching Charmed (2018) s1e8 "Bug a Boo":

For a show whose marketing was very pointed about Mel being a lesbian, it is, uh . . . Not a Good Look when it kills off a white gay man in an interracial relationship as the Victim of the Week.

It's also not a good look that all the cicada demons in this episode are played by Asian actors. Yes, there's a point to be made given the demons are running a dating app and one of them makes the comment on his date with Macy about Asian guys being statistically underrepresented and less likely to be chosen, but uh... that seems undercut with the reveal that he's, y'know, an insect demon.

Gods, the CGI for these bug demons makes them look absolutely disgusting and I am not here for it. Yeah the original had some questionable choices for demons and dodgy CGI, but Masselin was absolutely terrifying. Here, I'm just majorly grossed out.

Yeah, Parker and Maggie have been dating for five minutes so why is she talking about spending the summer with him?

Also, again, they've been dating for five minutes and he asks her for a plasma donation? (I know it's because she saw him shooting up and went with his cover story that it's a rare autoimmune disorder, which . . . I mean, yeah, you could say that, but ???).

Jada and Macy are the only likeable characters in this whole show, tbh. Jada's cool as fuck with her witchlighter powers.

Though it's kind of hard to take Jada seriously when she goes so very hard on the Mysterious Witchy Goth thing.

The Sarcana coven all in black, the Elder witches all in white . . . yeah, I'm saying it now: they're both very different types of cults, and Mel is a dumbass and manages to completely misunderstand both of them.

LMFAO at Mel walking into the Sarcana's lair and immediately being whacked upside the head with a wooden plank bc she walked in like a total noob. (She really is a dumbass, holy cow.)

I sorted at Galvin being hit by a car out of literally nowhere and that's how the episode ends.

Oh, for a rewrite of this whole season where the Veras have to figure shit out on their own and didn't go running to Harry and the Elders for every fucking little thing.

Though gods, as someone who is very gladly single, this episode makes me never want to use dating apps ever.

There is also way too much going on in this whole season thus far. I mean, you've got Mel still trying to figure out her mom's murder, the Elders vs the Sarcana, Fiona (Charity's sister), Maggie doing... whatever with her college campus and sorority, and Macy's subplots with Galvin and the university's genetics lab.

Actually, wait, I thought Macy worked for Hilltowne University as part of its genetics research lab? So why and how would a third-party company (Morningstar Biotech) move in and completely take over the lab? I don't remember if this was ever explained or not. (Yeah, the Vera-Vaughns vanquished the previous head of the lab/department, but still.)

"We all know you and Charity used to date," Mel tells Harry, except uh . . . outside of this episode it was never obvious that they used to be a couple, and the one time Harry/Charity do have a moment, it's when they're alone and the Vera-Vaughns are nowhere to be found. So how the hell does Mel know that Charity and Harry used to bang?

It's also never really made clear in this universe why witch/Whitelighter relationships are forbidden, but damn at Jada saying the Elders called her an abomination simply for being born.

Again, the Elders in this show are even worse than the Elder Whitelighters in the OG, and that is saying something, considering these Elders are all cis women / female witches.

I snickered at Hunter calling his and Parker's demonic dad "a three-thousand year old douche". This whole demon family is.... oooh boy, but at least Hunter sticks up for his younger brother.

"I'm still getting over my ex," Mel says while infiltrating the dating-app building on campus. Uh-huh, I'd have a better time believing that if she didn't literally only grieve for Niko for, like, five minutes.

#( Bramble watches Charmed 2018. )#anti Charmed 2018 #s1e8 Bug a Boo

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crristinaa-level6 · 1 year ago

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Specialist practice

Answer part 2

Aiman

She started learning Urdu when she was in school back in my country and learned English when she moved to England to study where I must speak English. It took me two years to learn the language.

She uses both of the languages in my daily routine at home. She does speak with you, but when she is outside working or going to university, She doesn’t have to speak English because everyone here speaks English and no one understands Urdu. She would like to know more languages. In that way, you can get to know the other cultures as well. What they do about the culture is about a traditional festival, which motivates me to learn another language. In that way, she got to know their culture more.

To be honest, sometimes she does think that there is one language that everyone can speak, like every Asian country, so we do not have to learn another language, for example, during the summer holiday. As well she went on my trip to Greece in Spain, where she didn’t know their language, so it was hard for her to ask them. Where is that location or where is this hotel? All there is is the market I’m looking for. Where can she go to find the food that she can eat because they would not understand me and I would not understand them. She wishes there was one language around the world. Then we can all understand each other, even though nowadays they would like Google or the app where you can translate the language, but still, if there is one language you are speaking, which will be better than travelling to another country easily and getting to know their culture better.

On her daily base, She speaks both languages every day because oh her mom cannot speak English with her, she has to speak her own language. She also doesn't like me speaking English at home because she thinks she will forget her language. Sometimes it's hard to keep the balance between both languages because when I go back to my country, She speaks her language and then comes back to England, it takes her about a month to get back on track to speak the proper language. Our minds are still struggling with the two languages

She first started learning English by reading books and watching series to help me start. Then, she started to have a small conversation with a group of people she started learning English at the age of 12. One was my home town language and English was my second language so she needed to learn it for my study. Her journey at the beginning was a bit of a struggle, but at the same time, it was a fun and wonderful experience. Now, she uses both languages in my daily life, for work and study. She thinks English is an important language and we all should learn it because nowadays you can use English in every country. So it was worth learning it.

Natalia

Playing video games

She was exposed to my second language early on in life as she had to immigrate to a different country

Because she moved to England she needed to learn the language

She doesn't remember her journey very well as it happened when she was very young but she was relentlessly teased for her poor English making her insecure about communicating as much, eventually, she managed to absorb the language whether she wanted it or not.

She only speaks Spanish exclusively to my relatives and friends, as she knows most people wouldn’t understand me in the UK

Both languages come very naturally to me so I rarely ever notice any changes in expressions.

She would prefer to speak Spanish if she witnessed someone else who both speaks it and is struggling to communicate in English, as it would make their life easier.

Being bilingual has made me open to making new friends and hearing about completely different perspectives and cultures which is something she will always be grateful for.

It comes extremely easily to me and thus I don’t struggle to have to switch language in a mere second.

If she had to be honest she probably became more fluent in English while playing video games and watching content exclusively in this language.

By constantly keeping up to date with my relatives from Spain by visiting them as often as she can, at the end of the day she will always feel more related to my original culture than the English one

#specialist practice #primary research #visual communication

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purplesurveys · 1 year ago

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1701

survey by --rainboweyes-- which is meant to be answered in future tense but i’m making it a recap instead because travel hangover is real :) :) :)

Firstly, what's your name? Robyn.

Secondly, what is your age? I’m 25.

Thirdly, where do you live? The Philippines.

You & Your Trip

Where are you going to? I went to Bangkok and Kuala Lumpur, consecutively.

Is it just you or is someone else going? Who/come many? Thailand: I was with Angela, Reena, and Hans. Malaysia: I was with my entire immediate family; five people total.

What type of accomodation are you going to be staying in (hotel, cabin etc) Thailand: We stayed in an Airbnb. Lovely, quaint loft in the middle of a super local area where we lived on 7-Eleven and the various food stalls the whole time we were there. Also, we were just a 1-minute walk away from the nearest train station so commuting was super easy! Malaysia: So my mom fucked up the booking for this because we were meant to stay at a hotel for our whole trip, but turns out she only punched in the first two nights...we ended up hurriedly booking an Airbnb for our last two nights. At the end of it all I was SO much happier in the Airbnb. Just less fancy, less pretentious, and it let me appreciate the local life more.

What country/state/area is the place you are staying? Thailand: We specifically stayed in Talat Phlu. Malaysia: Jalan Pinang for the first half, Bukit Ceylon the latter half of the trip.

The place you are staying, what are the most popular 'things to do'? Thailand: The local culture is fan-fucking-tastic and you can do everything from going to museums, restaurant-hopping, binging on local street food, experiencing the night life, and visiting their night markets. I feel like we just barely scratched the surface of what you can possibly do in Bangkok even though our itinerary was packed to the brim and we averaged 10k steps/day. Malaysia: Just shopping and malling, really. But the thing is they don’t have spots where you can shop for cheap like in Bangkok...you can really only do your shopping in KL if you can afford your Louis Vuittons and Rolexes. I did see some nightlife but I think it’s only centered in Changkat Bukit Bintang.

What are YOU planning to do on this trip? Thailand: I remember making it a goal to do three things in Bangkok: see Yoongi, eat tons of street food, and go to a redlight district. I did the first two and we ended up not having time for the third. We also went on a cruise along the Chao Phraya; shopped at Chatuchak; visited the Maeklong Railway market and one of their many floating markets; and visited Wat Pho. On our final day, Reena and I made a stop at the BTS pop-up store that was stopping over at Bangkok at the time. Malaysia: I didn’t exactly have plans for this trip in the beginning. I honestly wasn’t too excited for it either as it was back-to-back with my Bangkok trip and I felt like I was going to be dead exhausted after the latter – and because I kind of had a feeling that I was gonna spend most of my time missing my time in Bangkok with friends. Anyway, it all changed when I found out that Kuala Lumpur is home to a beautiful, gigantic park and I spent nearly every day I had in KL staying in that park and admiring everything about it.

Are you flying, driving or going on a boat to get there? I flew to both countries.

How long will the above journey take? Thailand: By plane, it took a little under three hours. Malaysia: Four hours.

How popular is the destination you are going to? Thailand: As far as I know it’s a major tourist destination all year long. I saw SO MANY non-Asian people in my time there. It just so happens to be a bonus that there was suddenly a large wave of Filipinos there because we were all there to see Yoongi, hahaha. Malaysia: Slightly less popular than Thailand, but I saw lots of tourists nonetheless. It’s particularly a popular destination for Filipinos and I overheard a good amount of Filipino being spoken while I was there.

The Place Itself

Is there a beach nearby? Thailand: As far as I know, no. Malaysia: Definitely not. There was talk within my family of going to the beach, but it was quickly canceled when we realized that the nearest beach was like 400km away.

How far away are the nearest shops? Thailand: We lived in the outskirts of the city center, so the malls were actually a good 30-minute drive away if the traffic was a little forgiving. The cheaper night markets, around 45 minutes to an hour away. Malaysia: When we stayed at Hyatt we were like a 2-minute walk from Suria KLCC, their most popular mall. When we moved to the Airbnb, the nearest shops and malls were around a 20-minute walk away.

Is it a pub/club area? Thailand: Talat Phlu isn’t exactly one, no. It’s a quiet neighborhood. Malaysia: I’d consider it one, yes. We stayed very close to Changkat Bukit Bintang but I never got to experience the nightlife as I was with my family, none of whom drinks. The rest of Kuala Lumpur, honestly a bit disappointing as everything closes by 8 PM hahahaha

What are the locals like/supposed to be like? Thailand: EXTREMELY friendly and helpful. There were only two or three times that locals didn’t try to strike a conversation with us. Everyone is approachable and even most of our Grab drivers were super open to telling us about their country, their culture, how their monarchy works, etc.

I had a wholesome experience with a local coffee stall manned by someone who didn’t speak a word of English. She was trying to ask me how much sugar I wanted and I, not speaking a word of Thai, just told her “many many many” while making this grand motion with my arms. My group and she had a cute chuckle about it and to her credit she did make my drink extremely sweet! Haha. At the Chatuchak night market, too, we saw this kind old man selling handpainted shirts and we ended up having a short talk with him about this hobby of his, when he started, etc. It was awesome. Malaysia: They’re much like Filipinos in that they like to keep to themselves. Nothing bad about it, it’s just that they won’t go out of their way to talk to you and stuff. Only our first Grab driver (who drove us from the airport to the hotel) initiated a conversation with us.

What is the first language of this place? Thailand: Thai. Malaysia: Malay. A bit easier for me this time around as Filipino does have a good number of similarities to Malay, like how ‘masuk’ in Malay means entrance. ‘Pasok’ in Filipino means ‘to go in.’

What about the secondary language? I wanna say it’s English for both? I’m not entirely sure though.

What is the currency that is used? Thailand: Baht. Malaysia: Ringgit.

Is there any fields/woods nearby? Thailand: I didn’t find any, at least. Malaysia: Well they do have a park, so there’s that.

Is this place in the city or is it more rural? Both were urban spaces.

What countries/states/islands surround the place you're visiting? Thailand: If my memory in geography classes serve me well, there’s Myanmar, Laos, and Malaysia. Malaysia: Thailand and Singapore. Indonesia too I think?

What type of food is the most popular there? Thailand: Mango sticky rice, tom yum soup, and pad thai I feel are major pillars of their local cuisine. Malaysia: Nasi lemak and rendang.

Can you smoke/drink/wear a bikini there? Thailand: You can smoke cigarettes and weed, but not vape which was a major struggle for me hah. You can drink, too, and I imagine you can wear a bikini given how accepting the country is as far as freedom of expression. Malaysia: Yeah people were fucking smoking and vaping everywhere. Yes to drinking as well but I imagine it’d be a bit touchy with bikinis considering the women are very conservative.

What religion is the main religion there? Thailand: Buddhism. Malaysia: Islam.

How Many...

Days are you going for? Thailand: I was there for technically 5 days, but it felt like 4 only because our arrival was at 11 PM and we had barely anything to do the first night. Malaysia: 5 days. It was nearly the same situation as Thailand, except we had more to do the first night since we arrived earlier, around 5 PM.

People are going? Thailand: There were four of us. Malaysia: Again, there were five.

Suitcases are being taken? I didn’t bring any extra luggage for both, just my handcarry.

Handbag/extra bags being taken? I just had one small suitcase then my belt bag.

Adults going? Thailand: Four. Malaysia: Five.

Children going? None for both.

Miles away is it from where you live? Thailand: Around 2,200 km. Malaysia: Around 2,400 km.

Stars is the resort if a hotel or motel? Thailand: We were in an Airbnb. Malaysia: 5-star for our first accommodation, then we had an Airbnb for the second half of the trip.

States or country do you have to pass over to get there? We flew.

Colours are in that country’s flag? Thailand: Blue, white, red. Malaysia: Blue, white, red, yellow.

Things you plan to do:

Go swimming? Eh I’m not big on swimming if it’s not on a beach, so I didn’t do any swimming for both trips.

Go on the beach? ^ That.

Go to a bar? We did go to a local bar in Thailand, right after the concert since we wanted to shake off our concert high/adrenaline. Most bars were closed after midnight, but we found this one spot hidden in some building with a local band playing. Music was awesome despite us not understanding a word of their songs. What baffled me though was the lack of seats in the bar. Like we had tables to set our drinks down, sure, but no seats? What a unique experience haha.

Didn’t do any drinking in Malaysia as I was with family.

Go clubbing? Didn’t go clubbing for either trip.

Play a sport such as golf, volleyball etc? We didn’t have time for sports, haha.

Walk around the shops? Definitely. The glaring difference is that I shopped til I dropped in Bangkok, and only went window shopping in Kuala Lumpur also just because I wiped out my shopping budget from Bangkok. This is besides the fact that KL mostly had high-end brands anyway.

Go to a spa? I’m not a fan of spas and massages so no.

Go to a zoo? Zoos are a no-no for me. We had talk of visiting an elephant sanctuary in Bangkok, but the ethical ones were understandably considerably expensive so we had to pass on it.

Go to a museum? I actually was never able to! In Bangkok we simply didn’t have time to do so; although on our last day when our schedule was kind of freer, I did try to visit the Bangkok Art & Culture Centre...only to find out they’re closed on Mondays :( In the end, zero museums were visited for both Thailand and Malaysia.

Go to other sights to see? Thailand: Yeah in Bangkok we went full tourist mode – booked a couple of Klook tours that I already mentioned earlier, and also did a temple visit on our own. Malaysia: It was honestly a bit harder to go sightseeing with family since we don’t share the same stamina. I couldn’t get them to walk as much as I would’ve wanted to or experience the nightlife, but we did try to visit as many spots as we could together. We saw the Petronas Twin Towers (but never went inside), went to Suria KLCC, the KLCC Park, Jalan Alor, Bukit Bintang, and Petaling Street. The four of them also went to Central Market on our penultimate day but I didn’t join in as I worked from Malaysia that day.

Go kayaking/boating? Yes we rode a boat in Thailand as part of our floating market tour :) They took us along the markets and several spots along the river where fireflies would start to light up when the sun goes down.

Go skiing/skating etc? Nope.

Go to a church/temple to pray? In Wat Pho we paid our respects, yes.

Go to a local restaurant? For sure. Our only exception was to try the local McDonald’s in Bangkok for the sole purpose of trying out products that weren’t in the Philippine menu. None of us got what we already have over here.

Others/Extras

Are you going on this trip for a tan, for fun, to explore or what? Thailand: The premise of this trip is endearing to think about now. We definitely wanted to go for the Yoongi concert, but considering how hard it was to secure tickets and how many Filipinos (and even people from neighboring countries!!!) were planning to go, we literally made a vow among ourselves that 1) we were going to try our best to get tickets, and 2) if we didn’t, we were going to treat our trip like a normal, leisure trip and no one is going to be a debbie downer about missing the concert. That said we booked our flight before the tickets, but we were very fortunate to get tickets so the trip turned out to be both for the concert and so that we can finally travel as a group, out of the country, for the very first time. Malaysia: For vacation. Also I think partly because my mom had been jealous of my Bangkok trip so she ended up booking KL on a whim.

You are most looking forward to...? Thailand: It was excitement for both seeing Yoongi and traveling overseas with my closest friends. Malaysia: I was excited to keep going back to the park, as soon as I discovered it for the first time.

What clothes/accessories have you bought especially for this trip? Thailand: You wouldn’t believe the shopping I did for this trip. I got so many new tops, bottoms, even a new pair of sneakers. It’s the first trip I funded entirely on my own, so I wanted it to be special and for the photos to be great. Malaysia: All the clothes I didn’t get to use in Bangkok. Literally didn’t even unpack since there was a lot of leftovers haha.

How long is it until your trip? Thailand: Thailand has been a month ago, now. We flew out June 8th. Malaysia: The trip was around three weeks ago.

Are there any diseases/terror threats you have to be careful of there? As a Filipino, I fear nothing.

Give us an interesting fact about this place: Thailand: I learned from one of our tours that Bangkok was built on a delta. That was very fascinating to hear. Also the fact that weed stores are super common there was a major culture shock. OH you also can’t buy alcohol past midnight; I learned that the hard way when I was barred from buying soju at our local 7-Eleven and was told I can only do so again by 10 AM the next day lol. Malaysia: I didn’t really pick up any fun facts while I was there haha.

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talbottoabbott · 2 years ago

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Shared Home in NYC Chinatown - Cathy Ma

My photography project focuses on the immigrants-runed small businesses in NYC Chinatown, diving into their life in a foreign land so different from where they came from.

I often went to Chinatown for a quick bite after classes, or meet with a few old friends on weekend nights. As an international student, dining at mom-and-pop restaurants makes me feel close to home. Coming to a foreign country, I was forced to grow to be independent, be tough, and work hard, and sometimes I was too busy to forget to eat. For days or weeks, I could not eat Asian food that feel like home. But I know I can always rely on shops in Chinatown for a homecooked congee or dim sum in the morning. Remembering the first time I walked down the street of Chinatown, I saw colorful lanterns in between the buildings, golden roast geese dangling in every restaurant window, street food carts for Chinese barbeque, and Asian pedestrians crowding in the middle of the streets. I accidentally walked into a bakery shop and saw the white sugar sponge cake that I haven’t tasted in years. It immediately reminded me of the time in the farmer’s market with Grandma years ago.

However, Chinatown small shops were greatly impacted because of the Asian hate from COVID-19. Many of the shops were shut down because of financial difficulties. In a competitive market for restaurant businesses like NYC, many restaurants adapted to modern advertising, and fancy websites, and connect with customers using social media. But these things become especially hard for the first-gen immigrant business owners in Chinatown who are already facing cultural and language barriers, or even constantly experiencing racism and xenophobia.

My photography work documented Chinatown as a shared home for all the Asian people in NYC and focused on two specific businesses. The first is the Chinese barbeque restaurant near Bond street station, run by a Chinese elder couple. Their business opens from early in the morning till midnight, and they draw their menu on cardboard in English and Mandarin. Throughout the day, they have to switch roles with each other and rest for a while. But most of the time they stand together to grill the barbeque. I asked if I could take photographs of their faces but they rejected. So I took photos of their card from different angles, their hands grilling the BBQ, their back while standing together, and their foot together. The second one is Taiwan Pork Chop House, which I visited for three times in order to interview the owner. It is a cash-only business for more than 20 years old, run by a Fuzhounese family. At first, I was intimated to talk to the staff, because they are so busy which I think they will reject my request. Later they said they are happy to do so, and suggested 3 pm in the afternoon for me to come by. The owner chatted with me for 40 minutes in Mandarin, and in the end, he encouraged me a lot about what I am doing and told me to try a lot of new things while I am still young. I took photos of their store, the staff at work, and the food, and recorded the interview and the environment sounds in a busy hour.

I’ve carried my video camera and film camera to Chinatown many times. While I was there, I tried to imagine how Corky Lee traveled through Chinatown but took photos whenever he wanted to document some moments. The photo I remember the most from him was the one he compare the modern Chinatown to the old one at the same location, and I also took photos of the street views. If possible, I would love to do a comparison like his maybe decades later. The film I used is all in iso 400, but some of the photos I shot were after sunset or on an overcast day.

-- Cathy Ma

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beautifulpersonpeach · 2 years ago

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BPP, I feel like Hybe hasn’t been taking care of the optics of their business. They’ve been weathering a lot of controversies non stop this year from karmys to iarmys (gp and kpop fand in general too tbh) and now they’ve priced the Proof Collectors ed for almost 300 usd. It feels like any time now, ARMY is going to blow up 😭 like, I don’t know wtf they’re PR/marketing department is doing.

I’m broke so there was never any chance for me to buy this or their other merch but I don’t even think a lot of Armys except for the richest can comfortably drop the money for this, especially since the fotobooks are still ongoing…

Hi Anon,

Let's laugh a little first:

(A $300 repackage of an anthology album. I wonder if anyone reading my blog still remembers my rant about the BE Essential money grab album. It's not random that the byline of this blog is: "A fun place to watch the fandom implode.")

Anon, I agree with you.

I don't want to ramble on in a long-form post filled with links and sources etc, and someone has asked me a similar question before, so I'll repurpose some of that answer into this to explain how (1) on one hand, the nature of most 'controversies' HYBE/Big Hit has weathered this year are such that no amount of PR etc would matter.

Like for example, even for the Vegas concerts when HYBE invited several journalists for the press conference in the US, offering a blanket invitation to every news outlet in Korea so no broadcasters were favoured and HYBE covered transit and other expenses for journalists equally.. The very first thing Juwon Park (a k-journalist with ties to YG) tweeted about it, was a link to an antitrust whistleblower website while 'thinking out loud' that HYBE's actions were illegal (they weren't). She deleted that tweet after two of her own colleagues told her it's not and asked how she as a journalist wouldn't know that and asked why she would pose such an incendiary legal question to fans on Twitter.

This is the same journalist who the first thing she tweeted about Proof was questioning the inclusion of Filter on the album and incorrectly asserting Bobby Jung was solely responsible for writing the song.

This is also the same journalist who the first thing she tweeted in response to news of BTS visiting the White House to talk about racism and hate crimes towards Asians and Asian Americans, the first thing she said on the matter was assert that BTS had no right to speak on the subject given they have never gone to the Blue House in Korea to advocate against discrimination. She blocked ARMYs carefully responding to her concerns and retweeted ARMYs calling her a Cardi B lyric.

Should we talk about BTS's 2022 Festa Dinner, where Korean journalists had no excuse of 'wrong subtitles' to explain how they blatantly mischaracterized everything BTS said. Because BTS were crystal clear in Korean, they never indicated they’re disbanding, they simply reversed priorities, and yet, k-media managed to get every single point wrong. K-media went on so many tangents my mom called me within hours laughing about the headlines. A lot of the k-media reports were blatant fabrications. It’s why RM’s letter on Weverse the following day was written so strongly - there was naked malicious intent in the way many media reports went, and the schneduafraude towards the group (for something many other groups have announced without incident) was palpable.

The point is, several of the controversies faced by the brand/company are entirely manufactured and maintained by a hostile press environment that's also lucrative. And let's not pretend k-pop stans are fans of anything connected to BTS anyway.

In the case of the 2022 Festa Dinner for example, one criticism I can give to the company is that perhaps HYBE underestimated the need for a written statement or the need to do damage control (because BTS were crystal clear in Korean - nothing needed clarifying for the media and yet), but I’ve written before how k-media is typically uncharitable towards BTS, to the point that media commentators and music critics in Korea including Kim Young-dae, have noticed that trend and talked about it.

There's also the fact that many industry insiders still view HYBE as an outsider that must be dethroned - and that's not an exaggeration but me paraphrasing a real Korean investor research report on k-pop companies. So in addition to typical bad quality control, there’s real business interest in creating the impression of incompetence and all that at HYBE, regardless of what the facts actually are.

The fact is Hybe/BTS do not fully have the privilege their position should in theory afford them, meaning that anything positive they do is underplayed, and any negative thing they do is overblown. Even a decent PR firm would fail in this situation. At the same time the company itself has legitimate (in my opinion at least) issues.

This is all on one hand.

(2) On the second, HYBE in general gives me the impression of a company that has grown too big too quickly. The fact Jimin’s mail was stolen and leaks have only gotten more prevalent since LY Tear, tells me that quality control is a bigger problem now despite the team supposedly having more resources. I understand the business rationale behind the hasty acquisitions in 2020/21, but sometimes, during M&A due diligence, quality control issues slip through the cracks and hurt the acquiring company later on. Not all of HYBE's subsidiaries are run as well as Big Hit with BTS, and many of these companies have legacy k-pop staff and cultures, meaning some of the endemic problems in the industry are more likely to be found in these companies as well.

HYBE also buys into the philosophy that greed is good. A $300 Collectors album is reasonably priced for a group like BTS imo. But, not to repeat my rant about the BE essential album, this particular album is a 'collectors' album... of an anthology album... which is in itself an artist-selected collection album... and it will not count for charts, explicitly at the label's request. Lol.

I've said before I'm not the sort of hobbyist that collects things, so this album never held any appeal for me. I'm also not going to even attempt justifying another person's purchases of fan material (for the people who do buy this album) because that's an absurd thing to do. It's their money - good luck to them. I think people are going to do what they always do: buy it if they want and not buy it if they don't. Despite all the chatter and discourse about fans burdened/pressured to buy merch, everybody just ends up doing what they want anyway. As I said to another anon who asked about HYBE's merch prices, expect more things like this, because BTS is now at a level that these economic choices are possible.

...

I agree an exceptional PR team wouldn't hurt, but so long as the boys themselves are fairly insulated from this, I don't mind seeing corporates put on the spot. I like seeing the bigwigs squirm. HYBE has serious issues they need to fix and should know this is a commonly held opinion.

#fandom behavior #bts army #hybe #bts

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keanureevesisbae · 4 years ago

Text

Coach Cavill - Chapter 9

Summary: Before they go to the autumn market, Amelia, Benji, Isabella and Henry have to talk about what happened the day before.

Coach!Henry Cavill x Amelia Jung (Asian ofc)

Wordcount: 6.3k

Warnings: None

Masterlist // Previous chapter // Next chapter

I wake up before the kids do, as I usually do. I mean, maybe it’s a habit that I adopted back in Korea, because in the first fifteen years of my life, I wasn’t able to function properly before ten in the morning. However, during my trainee days and when I was still in Forever Hope, that meant starting the day at six in the morning. You had to eat breakfast, get ready for the day, dance practice, singing lessons, improving my Korean, going to the gym. By the time I moved back, my biological alarm goes off at six a.m. and I always get up then, since I can’t help but to get up early.

This habit comes in very handy, as I’m a mother now.

I take a quick shower, get myself ready for the day and I catch myself putting in extra effort for my appearance. I put on a little blush, put on some light lipstick and I spend a lot of time on my hair. I descend downstairs, where I make myself a cup of tea, before I plop on the coach. I think I only got one hour of sleep at the end of the night, because I kept worrying. Worrying about what this might to do Benji and Isabella. How the dynamics will change between them and their father.

Oh no, I haven’t even thought about how this will go over in town. I remember when the people in Luna Meadows got ear of what happened between Dean, me and how Mindy Simpleton was involved. However, that barely had anything to do with the kids. To some extent, of course it had something to do with the kids, but it was mostly about me and Dean. This however, is between Dean, Mindy and my kids.

Tears burn in my eyes, the same tears I have been holding every single time I looked over at my kids while they were asleep. Why does everything has to be so complicated? Why did I have to get divorced in this manner? It’s not that I have anything against divorce, but I just wished that it was one where Dean and I just fell out of love, but we still had the kids best interest in mind. That we would work together, just like we did when we were still together.

But that is not the case, not at all.

My phone rings, indicating I have received a message and I look at the screen. My heart starts to race, my hands all of the sudden get really clammy. Henry is already texting me? It’s only seven in the morning…

Henry: I hope I’m not waking you up, but I was wondering what time the Jungs would like their breakfast? 🤗

I let out a small chuckle, as the tears of either sadness or happiness—I don’t know at this point—run over my cheeks again. The fact that he uses an adorable emoji, one that is my favorite too… I don’t even know how this makes me feel.

Amelia: I’m up already, so whenever you want.

Henry: The place opens up at seven thirty. I can come right after I picked it up?

Amelia: Sounds good.

Henry: Want some cappuccino with that as well?

Amelia: You know me too well

Henry: I’ll bring you a cappuccino and I think Benji could use some coffee. How about I also bring some smoothies with me for whoever wants to?

Amelia: Just make sure the smoothie doesn’t have pineapple in it. Isabella is allergic to that.

Henry: Noted

Amelia: Please bring the receipt, so I can pay you back

Henry: You can pay me back with your presence, Amelia. That’s good enough.

Henry: I mean that

I lean back on the sofa, as I let out a deep sigh. Time slowly passes, as I continue to sulk over this. When I just started dating Dean, I never thought about having kids and neither did Dean. When I missed my period, Dean actually went to the store, to buy me some tests. They were all positive and despite being terrified, we both were also over the moon. It felt complete and I was so happy, just like Dean. We were going to be parents and he promised me that he would be there every step of the way.

As I told Henry on our date, I had to recover quite a few years after I had Benji, before I even dared to have another child. I wanted two kids, wanted that my firstborn had a companion, someone that no matter what happened to Dean and I, was there for them. But after two kids, I knew that it was enough for me. I have no desire to expand my family and I thought that even after the divorce, he would keep his promise to me: no more kids for us.

But Dean is doing what he promised me we wouldn’t do. I know that it’s unfair to want him to keep his promise…

I remember his face when Isabella was born. He missed the birth, being unable to get out of his meeting in time. It was rough, it was painful and unexpected and I so wished he was there with me. But he looked so happy, as he was holding Isabella in his arm, sitting down next to me on the hospital bed. ‘I’m so sorry that I wasn’t here,’ he whispered. ‘But thank you for this beautiful human being.’

I leaned against his shoulder, nuzzling my face in his shoulder. ‘I don’t think we should have more kids,’ I told him. ‘Unless you want me dead.’ I couldn’t believe that Eve tried to tell me that the second time giving birth would be easier and worse: that I blindly believed her. ‘Two is enough, don’t you think?’

He softly chuckled, visibly scared to wake her up. ‘I do think that two is enough. I love you, princess,’ he told me, kissing my temple. ‘I’ll forever do that.’

What a fucking liar.

The doorbell rings, snapping me out of my thoughts. I quickly jump up and rush to the door. When I open it, I see Henry with some bags in his hand, Kal—who is excitingly wagging his tail—standing right next to him. ‘Good morning,’ he says with a smile. ‘Kal and I come bearing gifts in the form of breakfast.’

I want to say something, want to be polite or funny or at least grateful, but I can’t seem to find the words.

Except tears.

‘Oh, no,’ Henry says, placing the bags on the porch. ‘Come here.’ He holds out his strong and protective arms and I don’t even think a second letting myself being engulfed in his arms. ‘You look exhausted,’ he notes.

‘I am,’ I mumble. ‘I don’t think I have slept more than an hour last night.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispers. ‘Let’s get breakfast settled, okay? You drink the cappuccino while Kal keeps you company. I can make myself at home and set the table. How about that?’

‘I don’t want you to think that I only invited you so you can serve as my butler or anything.’

He holds onto my shoulders, so he can look me into my eyes and says: ‘I know that is not your intention and nor is that the case here.’

‘Thanks once again,’ I say, placing my hands on his. ‘You’re amazing.’

‘Not a single problem.’

He grabs the bags, before I step to the side to let him and Kal in. We walk to the kitchen and he hands me my cappuccino. This is exactly what I need. I lean against the kitchen island, as Kal presses his cold wet nose against my hand, urging me to pet him. ‘Henry,’ I say, to gain his attention. ‘I’m sorry about yesterday.’

‘Don’t,’ he says, in a tone a lot sterner than I have ever heard him use before and Amelia, I swear, don’t let your mind wander. ‘Don’t you dare feel sorry about it, not even for a second.’

I’m not listening. ‘I’m not just apologizing for last night’s events,’ I say. ‘I’m especially apologizing for that kiss. I shouldn’t have done that.’

‘Why not?’ Henry asks, placing the smoothies on the table, checking the labels again.

I shrug, but he isn’t looking at me, so I add: ‘I don’t know, felt… Wrong. Weird. Too much too soon.’

‘Well, if this eases your mind: I don’t think it felt wrong, weird or too much too soon.’ Henry smiles, causing my stomach to twist in a way that I forgot that was pleasant and I smile back at him. When was the last time I felt like this? ‘And besides, I didn’t mind it one single second.’

Maybe it’s a good thing I hear two sets of footsteps storming down the stairs, so I don’t have to think about an answer for this. ‘Coach!’ Isabella yells, before rushing up to him, wrapping her arms around his neck as he crouched down for her. ‘You’re here! For what?’

‘I brought breakfast,’ he says to her. ‘I have four smoothies and you can pick the first one, how about that?’

She smiles brightly. ‘Really?’

‘Really,’ Henry confirms.

She looks over at me with a hopeful and happy smile on her face. It’s such a change from yesterday. ‘Mom, I get to pick the first smoothie.’

‘Make the choice worth while,’ I say with a smile.

Isabella’s eyes fall on Kal. She jumps a little, as Kal trots over to her, pressing his cold nose against her cheek, causing her to squeal.

Benji carefully approaches. ‘Hi coach,’ he says.

‘Hi Benji, slept well?’

‘I did,’ he answers. ‘Thank you.’ He stands next to me, lets out a long sigh and then says: ‘Good morning, mom.’

‘Good morning honey. I’m glad to hear you slept well.’

He nods. ‘Did you?’ My silence must be his answer. ‘I’m sorry. I think Isabella and I both forgot how this situation must be tough for you too.’

Henry looks over his shoulder, as one corner of his mouth curls up as he looks over at us. I sometimes wonder what I did in life to have two amazing kids, who are very considerate towards me and others for that matter.

‘Don’t you worry about me,’ I tell Benji. ‘I’m all okay. Go help set the table.’

He holds my hand for a brief second, giving it a squeeze, before walking over to his coach to help. My phone beeps, only to tell me that Dean send me a text.

Dean: You up?

Amelia: We don’t want to talk to you yet. If we did, I’d text you, remember?

Dean: I want to talk.

Amelia: Please, just read my previous message and for once think about your kids first, instead of yourself.

Sometimes it stuns me that I was married to him. Was he always this selfish and nearly childlike or did that change the moment he exchanged me for a younger model?

Who he got pregnant. Oh my, I still can’t believe that.

‘Mom, you can pick your smoothie now. I chose the orange with tangerine juice. Benji chose the one with banana, oranges and coconut milk. There is a banana mango one and a strawberry raspberry one left,’ Isabella says, dragging me out of this virtual conversation.

‘Banana mango, sweetie,’ I say, as I walk over to the table, to sit next to her. I look over to Benji and Henry, as they sit across from us. Henry thanks Isabella as she hands him the smoothie that is left and I let out a deep sigh. ‘Okay, we have to talk about the elephant in the room.’

‘We know,’ Benji says, though he looks like he’d rather be somewhere else. I mean, you and me both, kid. If I could, I’d skip this conversation, but if there is one thing motherhood taught me, it’s that the most painful conversations, the ones that deprive you from any sleep, are the ones that are very very important. ‘If there is something that you only want to tell me, maybe only to each other or only to Henry, you can just say so. I won’t judge and neither will anyone else at this table. Is that clear?’

‘Yes mom,’ the two of them say.

I nod. ‘Yesterday it became pretty obvious that you weren’t happy about Mindy’s pregnancy. How did they tell you about this?’

If there is something I have learned over the course of this divorce and trying to make this co-parenting work, is to always ask about the entire situation, so I know all about the wrong things their dad said, so I can make it up to them as we go.

Benji clenches his jaw, as he looks away from us. Isabella looks at me and decides to speak up. ‘We were sitting at the table in the kitchen. Mindy made us cupcakes and it had the text: ‘Congrats big brother’ for Benji on it and ‘Congrats big sister’ for me on it,’ she says. ‘Benji asked if it was a joke and then dad told us it was not and we should be happy about it.’ She looks at her big brother, before she says: ‘That was when Benji got pretty mad.’

Benji scoffs. ‘Well, he can’t fucking force me to be happy, right?’

‘Language,’ I say. Maybe Kal senses that he needs the most support right this moment, because the big dog struts over to Benji, placing his head against his arm. ‘But you are right,’ I say. ‘People can’t force you to feel a certain way. What happened after that?’

‘Well,’ Isabella continues, ‘Benji went upstairs to grab his stuff and came back with mine as well. He told dad that we were going home, that we had to think about this. That’s when dad got very angry. He told us that we should stay here and celebrate this. I told him that I wasn’t feeling very festive. He then said to me that I had to suck it up and fake it.’

When I was still together with Dean, he wasn’t the most well equipped dad, with the greatest parental decisions. I mean, he was a well loved English teacher in high school and to some extent, he is actually good with kids, but only for a certain amount of time (read: a maximum of three hours spread over multiple days). Naturally, he isn’t a good father. But when we were raising Benji and Isabella, he was willing to listen to me, to at least try his best to make the right decision. Though I sometimes wondered what on earth was going through his mind from time to time, I saw that he tried and I loved him for that. He admitted multiple times that he wasn’t naturally a good parent, not in the way I was, but that he was willing to learn from me. It was rough, but it was also doable, since we worked as a team.

The second he moved out of this place to move in with Mindy, it seemed like every parenting tip I had ever given him over the course of fourteen years, was thrown right out of the window.

‘Right,’ I mumble, thinking about Dean’s “fake it” tip. I gave the kids that tip once, when they had to go to parties thrown by kids they both didn’t like. Then it was useful, now it feels depriving our kids from having their own emotions. ‘Okay, then what?’

Isabella looks up at me, taking a sip of her smoothie. ‘Then I said I wanted to go home with Benji, but dad told me that it was too late for me to go home. Benji told him that if I wanted to go home, he was going to take me home, no matter what time it was. He grabbed our things and we went home.’

‘But he followed us in his car, continuing to say how we broke Mindy’s feelings and while that wasn’t my intention,’ Benji continues, ‘I was just mad, because he ruined everything.’

‘What did he exactly ruin?’ I ask him, though I think I might know where he is going.

‘Our family.’ He stares at the muffin in front of him, as I see tears form in his eyes. Henry gently places his hand in the back of Benji’s neck, almost as an encouragement for him to continue talking, but also for letting him know that he is not alone. That we are all here for him. ‘He ruined us. He betrayed you, mom,’ Benji says, his voice breaking in the process, something that on my end breaks my heart. ‘Now… He is betraying us, because he is not a good enough dad for me or for Isabella. How is he going to love another kid, when he doesn’t even love us? What if he loves them more than he loves us? What if that kid is better than us?’

No ‘recently divorced’-blog prepared me for this, at least not the ones that I have been reading. Fuck, how do I respond to this? I mean, his worries are obvious and valid, but as his mom, there is something that I can say that will help him in understanding and dealing with this situation. I clear my throat, as I look over to Henry. He bites his lip, as he seems to be at a loss for words as well. I really have to figure this one out all by myself. I wished Johnny and Eve were here as well. Or even my parents for that matter.

‘He did ruin our family,’ I eventually say. ‘He did betray me and I don’t understand why he is starting a new family, when he indeed has shown that he wasn’t the greatest dad to either of you.’

‘You are going to say but, aren’t you?’ Benji asks.

I look at my smoothie. ‘Maybe,’ I say. I take a sip of my smoothie and say: ‘I will let you decide what the two of you are going to do with this. But I’m going to tell you something that you have to keep in mind, okay?’

The two of them look at me, both with a nearly identical frown, a trait they inherited from their dad. ‘Okay.’

‘This is going to be a very happy time for Mindy.’

‘How do you know?’ Isabella asks. ‘You weren’t even there.’

‘True, but I have been pregnant two times. Knowing that I was expecting you two, were the two best moments of my life. Mindy will have a kid of her own and that is very exciting. Being a first time mom, or a second time mom, third time, whatever, for most people it’s wonderful. Hearing that she went out of her way to tell you guys, means she is very happy.’

Benji frowns and Isabella doesn’t seem too sure of what I’m trying to do here. I don’t really know how to continue this, if I’m being totally honest.

‘What your mom is trying to say,’ Henry decides to butt in and I’m so thankful for that, ‘is that you don’t have to go your dad anymore, but that you can send a card for example, to wish Mindy well. You can write that in a card, with something for their new baby.’

‘Why would we do that?’ Isabella asks.

‘Because that is the mature thing to do,’ I explain to them. ‘I mean, there are a million things I would rather do, but I am mature and will not do that.’

Benji sighs. ‘But if we do that, we don’t have to go anymore?’

‘Well, you don’t have to go in the first place,’ I say, ‘but if you do this, there isn’t any reason for your dad to be angry at you. He probably will be, but we didn’t hand it to him on a silver platter.’

Isabella nods. ‘We can buy something for the baby,’ she says. ‘And we can write a card. Maybe you two can help us.’ She points to me and Henry. ‘You are actual adults, so you probably know what to say.’

‘Henry can help us with that,’ I say. ‘He was born in England and he might be a little bit more polite than I am.’

Benji chuckles. ‘Because you might be very mature about this, but you actually want to tell them that this is a bad idea?’

I let out a laugh, but I also have to hold in my tears, because… That is exactly what I want to do. While I’m not the biggest fan of Mindy at the moment (or ever will be for that matter), she is a young woman and from the looks of it, she is not very happy in the life that she rolled into from the last few times I saw her, so… This is a bad idea, for both parties involved.

But I’m not interfering with other people’s love life, especially not in theirs, since it is not my place to do that.

‘Is there anything else that you want to tell me?’ I ask.

‘Well,’ Benji says, ‘just one thing, to all of you: I’m sorry for yesterday. I know that I scared Isabella, I know that I broke some things here and I know that I hit coach.’

‘It’s all good, kid,’ Henry says. ‘Don’t you worry about it.’

‘You know I don’t care about those types of things,’ I say to him. ‘As long as no one is injured, we’re all good.’

Benji looks at his sister, who blinks her eyes. I can already tell that for dramatical sake, she keeps quiet. ‘Well,’ she says, looking at her smoothie, ‘you did scare me a little bit.’ Isabella, honey, for your brother’s sake, don’t drag this out… ‘But I understand that you get mad from time to time, so I’m not mad at you. I forgive you.’

Benji is visibly relieved and nods. ‘Well, good then.’ He takes a bite of his muffin and Isabella copies his movements.

‘That’s it?’ I ask, a little bit confused.

‘That’s it,’ Isabella confirms. ‘Benji and I are going to be mature.’

‘Okay…’ I have no idea what I have to say to them now. ‘Remember, if you change your minds, that’s okay. You can always think about it again and if you want to you can always talk to me or Henry or Eve and Johnny about it.’

‘We know,’ they say in unison, both taking another bite from their respective muffins.

Have I done parenting exceptionally good? Was sleeping on it for a night, enough to digest this easier? Am I a successful parent? Should I write a book or something, to share my apparent wisdom with others?

I look over to Henry, who has a smile on his face as he nods approvingly. We eat our breakfast and Isabella is the ever drama queen, while Benji continues to seek approval from his coach, something that will forever warm my heart.

I tell them that we’re going to the autumn market and that they should get dressed. The two rush upstairs, already fighting who can shower first, and I lean back in the chair. Kal sits next to Henry on the floor, his head against his arm. It must be nice, to have a companion like that. ‘Answer this for me: have I found the perfect formula for parenting?’

Henry smiles. ‘I think you might have,’ he says, finishing up his smoothie. ‘How are you?’

‘I think I’m good,’ I whisper.

‘Come here,’ he says, as he pulls back the chair where Benji was sitting on a few moments ago, patting on the seat. I walk over to him, plopping on the seat. Henry pulls the chair closer to his and honestly, that is the biggest power move I have ever seen someone of the opposite sex do.

Before he can say anything to me, I ask: ‘I’m doing good, right? It was the right thing for me to tell them to be mature?’

‘It was,’ he says. ‘You are an excellent mother.’

Oh no, this shouldn’t make me cry. I bite my lip, before I let out a soft sob. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘No, no, no,’ Henry says, ‘This is all totally understandable. This is a lot of change and quite the stressful time for you, Dean and your kids. But remember, you are doing good.’ Just as he did with Benji, he places his hand in the back of my neck and smiles. ‘When we’re at the autumn market, we should not only buy something for their new baby, but maybe, if you allow me, I can buy something for the kids. Something they want.’

I let out a chuckle, wiping away my tears. ‘You are a very interesting man, mister Cavill,’ I say to him. ‘Very smart too, working your way into my heart, by being kind to me and my kids. Men around the world should take notes.’

He smiles, as his cheeks turn red. For a second I wonder why on earth he does this. The fact that I have kids is not scaring him away. My ex-husband and the way he and his new fiancée are involved in my life, doesn’t make him leave.

This man is the jackpot.

‘Henry, I’m sorry you rolled into this whole family mess,’ I say.

‘What did I tell you about apologizing?’ he asks me.

I smile, as I shake my head. ‘I should save it, I know, I know. Let me say this instead: Thank you for staying. I know many others wouldn’t have done that.’

Henry smiles, but he can’t say anything to it, because we are brutally interrupted. ‘Mom!’ Isabella yells, ‘Benji won’t let me in the bathroom.’

I chuckle. ‘Duty calls.’

✰ ✰ ✰

‘Dear Mindy,’ Isabella reads from the card, ‘congratulations on your baby. We are very happy for you. However, co- consi- Benji, what is this again?’

Benji scoots closer to his sister, reading the card. ‘However,’ he continues, ‘considering the circumstances, we find it very difficult to celebrate with you. Please accept this gift for your new baby and we wish you nothing but the best. We hope that we are welcome when we want to come over. Lots of love, Benji and Isabella.’

We are sitting at a large picnic table, with some hot chocolate and extra whipped cream, specifically asked for by Isabella and me. Henry, who sits next to me, has placed his hand on my leg and that is exactly the kind of support I need. I have wrapped my arm around his, to place my hand on his. My fingers play with his. ‘You agree with this?’ I ask the two of them.

‘I do,’ Isabella starts. ‘It sounds very mature, don’t you think, Benji?’

‘It does,’ he agrees. ‘Thank you, mom, coach… I feel better already.’

‘Want to drop it by or send it to them?’ Henry asks. ‘If you want, I can drop it off, if none of you want to bring it.’

We Jungs all agree a little too quick.

This causes Henry to smile. ‘Well, I’ll do that and before you worry, Amelia, it’s all good. I don’t mind.’

‘Coach,’ Isabella says, ‘you like my mom, don’t you?’

Henry nods. ‘I do like her and I sure hope she likes me too.’

‘She does,’ she confirms for me. Am I that obvious? ‘Do you like us?’

‘Very much, so,’ Henry says. ‘And Kal really likes you too.’ Kal sits next to Isabella, licking her cheek. ‘I really like spending time with the Jung family. Makes me feel less alone.’

‘Do you miss your family?’ she asks.

He shrugs. ‘Maybe a bit, but not a lot.’

Isabella nods, before she says: ‘We like it too when you are around.’

‘That’s wonderful to hear,’ Henry says and it almost sounds like he is touched by it.

She looks at her brother and coerces him to say something, with just her eyes. Since Benji has a very hard time saying no to her—ever—he nods and adds: ‘We like it that you make our mom happy.’

‘Oh guys, that is really not necessary,’ I say, hoping they would stop, but Isabella won’t zip it, because she adds: ‘Our mom deserves someone. She always tells us that we are her greatest treasures and while we believe that, it’s nice to see someone who cares.’

‘Okay, now you really need to stop talking,’ I laugh, ‘because I’m going to cry if you keep going.’

Henry squeezes my leg, before he admits: ‘You have wonderful kids, Amelia. Both of them.’ And that on their end, causes Benji and even Isabella to blush.

I nod. ‘Yeah, I sure do. Now, enjoy your hot chocolate, before it is cold.’

‘Can we go into the ferris wheel?’ Isabella asks, licking some of the whipped cream of her drink. ‘Please, mom?’

‘Of course,’ I answer.

‘Will you come with us?’ she pushes.

Benji nudges his sister. ‘Bella, remember that mom is afraid of heights.’

‘You’re afraid of heights?’ Henry asks, sounding genuinely surprised.

‘Maybe a bit,’ I confess, ‘but the last time we went was three years ago and I think I have grown. Besides, we have a wonderful dog and a Henry with us. I think I can manage.’

Henry starts to laugh, as well as Benji and Isabella, who give each other a high five, because we’re going in a cart together. ‘Coach,’ Benji starts, but Henry shakes his head.

‘When we’re not training, you can call me Henry,’ he tells them. ‘Both of you.’

‘Really?’ Isabella asks, her eyes starting to sparkle with hope.

He nods. ‘Really. I might be Benji’s coach, but when I’m at your place, I’m not. I’m just Henry, okay?’

‘Copy that,’ Benji chuckles, before taking a sip of his hot chocolate. ‘Henry.’

When we finished our hot chocolate, we get in line to go in the ferris wheel. Thankfully for my kids, dogs are allowed, otherwise I’d happily stay behind on the ground with Kal. We get in and I sit next to Henry, as Benji, Isabella and Kal sit across from us. ‘This is okay,’ I say, looking around me.

‘Mom,’ Isabella laughs, ‘we’re still on the ground. Don’t be ridiculous.’

Benji holds back a laugh. ‘You can still get out now.’

‘I’m totally fine,’ I say, but that’s such a lie. I breath in deeply, before slowly breathing out, hoping to calm my breathing a bit. The cart moves and I let out I high pitched scream. Thankfully the cart is closed and no one can hear me, except everyone here. My two kids start to chuckle and I scrunch up my nose. ‘Is it too late to get out?’ I ask.

‘It is now,’ Henry laughs. ‘You two are being awfully mean to your mother, laughing at her like that.’

‘One time, coach— I mean, Henry, mom, dad, Benji and I went to California and we also sat in a rollercoaster that stops for a while at the top. Mom was crying.’

‘Don’t share those stories with him,’ I say. ‘That is not… Oh no, we’re so high! I don’t like this.’ I close my eyes, as my shoulder tense up and are near my ears.

I can feel Henry laughing silently next to me, before he wraps an arm around my shoulders.

‘Are we nearly down yet?’ I ask.

Benji laughs. ‘No, mom, we’re almost at the top.’ The cart shakes as we come to a halt and I nearly puke from the sudden movement. ‘We can see our house from here.’

‘Mom, open up your eyes,’ Isabella says. ‘Please, mom, just look. For us.’

For us. She knows exactly what buttons to push. I open one eye, wince at the sight of the entire town, before opening the other one too. ‘Maybe you should breath,’ Henry chuckles.

‘Shut up,’ I chuckle nervously. ‘Oh, we can indeed see our house.’

Isabella stands up and I nearly yell at her that she should sit down, but this cart can handle movement. Besides, I don’t want to come across as that kind of mother. ‘Henry, can we see your house?’

He nods. ‘Right there, with the orange garage.’

‘You live in Miss Bonny’s old house?’ Benji asks. ‘They say her spirit still lives there and she eats little kids.’

Henry smiles. ‘Well, I’m all alone with Kal there. No spirit of Miss Bonny. It’s still a bit bland though.’

‘You want me to make something for you?’ Isabella asks. ‘Or maybe we can help you decorate it. Mom is really good at decorating. When dad moved out, the three of us completely redid our living room. We can paint, we can hang up wallpaper and we can find decorations.’

‘I would love that,’ he says with a smile. ‘Besides, I could use some help. I’m utterly useless when it comes to decorating.’

Benji smiles. ‘Then we really should help.’

✰ ✰ ✰

Henry and I watch as Benji and Isabella are in the arcade, playing away after Henry gave them like a billion quarters. We sip on our tea, with some cookies in the middle of us, as we sit across from each other. ‘So, how do you like the Luna Meadows autumn market so far?’ I ask him.

‘I absolutely love it,’ he admits. ‘This is such a lovely town. I’m happy I moved here and I’d like to take you guys up on that offer, of the three of you helping me decorate my place. I have been postponing it since the moment I arrived.’

‘Of course, let that be our way of thanking you for today. I honestly did not expect you to buy all of us matching pajamas, including a pair for yourself,’ I laugh. ‘And you’re sure you don’t mind bringing that package? I mean, I can send it to them or ask someone else to drop it off…’

‘I can just place it on their doorstep, right?’

‘You can, but… Don’t you think that it’s weird? Considering that there is something going on between the two of us.’

He shakes his head. ‘I want what is best for the kids and you. Really, I honestly don’t care about what your ex husband might think of it, what Mindy might think of it or the entire town for that matter.’

‘Gosh, you have such thick skin, Cavill. It’s admirable, really.’

He shrugs. ‘Barely.’ Henry holds out his hand for me to take and I hesitantly place mine in his. His thumb gently caresses my fingers. It feels so familiar, as if we have done this forever. For a second I’m afraid that people might see, but on the other hand: I don’t care. I’m happy right now.

I look up. ‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Go for it.’

‘Why did you marry your ex in the first place?’

Even if he was taken by surprise, he doesn’t show it. This man has an incredible pokerface and maybe it’s a blessing that I can’t even play poker; my face is an open book and Henry seems to read it with ease. ‘My parents thought we were a good match,’ he says. ‘I mean, I’ve known her since high school and I liked her as a friend, but… The both of us, we were never a match. However, she started dating my best friend behind my back, we finally got our divorce and I never saw her again. That’s the short, less pathetic version.’

‘Oh my, Henry, I’m so sorry. Did you date after that?’

‘I did, but it never felt good,’ he confesses. Henry tilts his head and smiles. ‘It never felt like how I feel about you. The second I lifted up that tampon box and looked into your eyes, it just clicked.’

‘Shut your face about the tampon box. When someone asks us how we met, we’ll just stick with the ‘you’re Benji’s new coach’-story.’

Henry smiles, while I am at a loss for words, since I’m drowning in his beautiful eyes. I don’t really understand why some parents would force their kids to marry someone, they don’t feel comfortable with. I still feel like there is so much more to the story then what he has told me, but I’m not going to pry. The fact that I completely tell him my entire life story, doesn’t mean that he has to.

‘Mom, Henry, look!’ Isabella yells, as she rushes back to us. She sits next to Henry and holds up her lion stuffed animal. ‘Benji won it for me.’

Benji sits down next to me, as I pull my hand back from Henry’s. ‘I don’t have any quarters left.’

‘We gave you tons of quarters,’ I chuckle.

‘Yeah, it may have cost me all of the quarters to win two,’ he confesses.

‘Two?’ I ask him, since Isabella is only holding one.

He holds up a little bear, twice as little as Isabella’s lion. ‘For Mindy’s baby,’ he says, causing Henry to look up as well. ‘Make sure it’s in the package,’ he tells his coach.

‘You’re a good kid,’ Henry says, taking over the bear from Benji. ‘You’re really going places, mark my words.’

✰ ✰ ✰

Dean: Your new boyfriend brought over the gift.

Dean: I honestly don’t get what the big deal is.

Dean: That you don’t like this, whatever, but the kids should at least have the human decency to bring over the package themselves.

Dean: The kids are coming over next week again.

Amelia: If they want to.

Amelia: And by the way: you’re welcome.

Dean: For what?

Amelia: The gift the kids prepared for Mindy.

#henry cavill #henry cavill x ofc #henry cavill x oc #henry cavill x asian ofc #henry cavill x amelia jung #asian ofc #amelia jung #henry cavill fandom #Henry cavill fanfic #coach!henry cavill #Coach Cavill

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norcalbruja · 3 years ago

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Things are not ideal for me right now

What’s up, so I had yet another argument with my mom today. I had to go lie down and vent about it to the spirits. I ended up begging them to find SOME way to get my writing off the ground, so I could move into my own place by the end of the year. Then I can finally be alone and not get constantly reminded by people that I'm bad at housework, and remembering stuff, and all those “regular people” things that my mom and sister are just fine with.

Because LUCKY ME, I live in California where a regular fucking 1-to-2-bedroom house can cost a million dollars or MORE now. And while writing and theater has never been easy, it’s been especially bad with the pandemic.

I wore myself out a couple years ago by trying to get my writing noticed the regular way with social-media, and eventually I quit posting much about my work because I barely got any readers AT ALL, let alone people who give me feedback like I kept begging them to. (GUESS HOW MAD I WAS when I found out that literally all of the “standard” marketing advice is bullshit. I spammed Tumblr and Twitter and Facebook for nothing, isn’t that great???)

So yeah, while I vastly advocate trying mundane options before asking the spirits for help, I don’t know how I can get a writing career or earn a million dollars the “mundane” way, especially not in these times.

Which led me, in my “desperate / enraged” double-whammy of a bad mindset, to go and ask Laho the moon-eater for help.

This is not the first time. I asked him in February because I was just fucking TIRED of being stuck at home and having my writing going nowhere, and how asking the other spirits just doesn’t seem to be working.

---

So for context: Laho the Moon-Eater is a dragon in Filipino / Tagalog mythology. He causes eclipses by coming out of the deep ocean and trying to eat the sun/moon. He actively dislikes when I call him a “god” because he insists that the anito/gods have to CARE ABOUT PEOPLE, regardless of power-level, and he is a DRAGON.

He acknowledges that dragons frequently overlap WITH gods, especially in Asian / Filipino mythology, but he told me that it’s a case-by-case thing and sometimes dragons just identify as Level 10 Nature-Spirits. Which is kind of trippy when Laho constantly takes human form and looks/acts almost like Dark Bakura, what with his long white hair, his deathly pale skin, and his dickish and blunt personality. He also has a glowing “aura” that none of the other anito seem to have, even the actual sun and moon deities. I think it's either “deep-sea bio-luminescence” or “side-effects from constantly trying to eat the sun/moon.”

And uh. That comparison to DARK Bakura is not an idle one, because for me, Laho is almost on Loki levels of "Engage With Heavy Caution.” Loki and I barely get along after several years of not being able to stand each other, and after one piece of advice from Loki that went So Damn Badly, he told me we can have a do-over later on. Laho is just damn unpredictable because sometimes he comes over to tell me about stuff, but sometimes he drags me out of my meditation without even asking “hey are you busy??? I found something cool!” first.

On the other hand, Laho is not a proper “Trickster” like Loki is, so he’s not trying to curse me or anything. That involves caring enough about one random, half-trained spirit-worker to like... intentionally damage her, and Laho Does Not Care About People.

Keep in mind that while I am NOT doing formal “magic / spellwork,” thank the gods, general consensus from the other spirits is “Do Not Try This At Home.” Fuck, now that I've calmed down, *I* don’t even like asking Laho for basic goals, but... I don’t know who else I can ask.

The rest of it is behind the “Read More” heading for heavy desperation, depression, and Not Safe For Work subjects.

---

So today after my latest argument with Mom, I went to my room to lie down and get a grip on my Seething Rage And Desperation, but as mentioned before, I just ended up begging the spirits, “GET ME OUT OF HERE, PLEASE. I JUST WANT A HOUSE AND AN ART CAREER. GET ME OUT OF HERE, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU.”

And my attempts to calm down didn’t work so much that Spirit-Me’s heart just... split open from the stress, apparently. The last time that happened was when I was high as hell on a whole weed cookie, and I started thinking the world was going to end. (Long story short, that was Loki’s Extremely Bad Advice. Yes, the spirits remembered that. No, they were not happy that I was sober this time.)

So there’s Spirit-Me, screaming and bleeding all over the damn place while Odin and the other spirits are trying to 1) stitch me back up and 2) assure me that I’m not a TOTAL failure, but I was not in the space to listen, so once I was mostly-not-bleeding, I just ran off to the spirit-ocean and found Laho.

Generally when I’m desperate enough to ask Laho for help, I end up having sex with him as a trade.

Because, at risk of repeating myself, I’m broke. In a lot more ways than “money.” I’m say I’m a half-trained spirit-worker, but if you count FILIPINO spirit-work, it’s even less. I barely even speak Tagalog, so I wouldn’t know any spells or high-end offerings to give the spirits. I don’t know what the fuck else I can trade for help, besides having sex.

I don’t even have an altar to put offerings ON, because my mom’s place has a Catholic altar and I sure as hell won’t leave food meant for pagan spirits there. I share my regular food with the spirits, and then I eat it after a few minutes.

But like... remember how Spirit-Me’s heart just split open from stress, and how I was about to have sex, which is generally Very Strenuous in both worlds? Yeah, not only did my heart split back open, I’m pretty sure me and Laho didn’t do anything resembling “spiritual foreplay” either, because Spirit-Me started bleeding down there, too.

And it’s like, Laho is not a good role model for the MORAL side of “a crying woman is asking me for help and trying to have sex,” but the Filipino spirits are extremely open about sex by itself. Even Laho prides himself on having REALLY good sex if someone comes up to him for it, because humans and involved spirits are the ones who mess shit up with “feelings” and “consent” and “maybe this isn’t a good idea.”

But he knows that humans shouldn’t be leaking gallons of blood, so once that started, he stopped. And then he assured the extremely angry anito that he only knows why I’m bleeding from ONE place, but he didn’t expect that much, and the chest wound is not from him.

Spirit-Me was now slightly WORSE than when I started—my chest hurt and my downstairs half hurt, and while I was flailing in a pool of my own blood, and begging the spirits for a steady income and a basic house, my mouth started bleeding, so now Orifice #3 Is Leaking Too Much Red Stuff.

So, I needed Freyja AND Brighid to come fix it. Brighid says that my issues are manifesting as “spiritual ulcers.” Freyja has gently advised me that given the shit that happened today, I should avoid spirit-intercourse for the next few days and seriously take it easy for other types of sex.

And weirdly enough, once everyone cleared out to give me a break from the events, the Morrigan came up and told me that she loved me, and I could ask her for help if I wasn’t too tired. She also told me that she is the goddess of sovereignty, and I don’t ask her for nearly enough things. So... yeah, I asked her for help with getting an art career and buying my own house, so I could help fix the damn planet by the end of this year, 2021.

See, the Morrigan is my patron goddess and she has been extremely hands-off in the past few years. While she DOES relegate herself to “spiritual bodyguard for the squishy writer,” sometimes she comes up and tells me she loves me, unprompted. Especially when I’m... not in a good space AT ALL, like today.

I wonder if my soul is dying, or in a LOT of trouble. Honestly, I’m not surprised. I told the spirits a while back that my soul will die if I’m stuck in this rut for much longer, where I’m not a successful artist, and so I have to live with my family, who I can’t really get along with.

I'm not good at anything besides art. Either my head just doesn’t fucking work properly for most jobs, or random shit goes wrong with basic tasks, or I end up hating the job and wishing that I could just DO ART FOR A LIVING.

The only way I can see to fix things is get an art career and move into my own place, so I don’t bother anyone and they don’t have to deal with my weirdness. But HOW THE FUCK am I gonna find a million dollars for a basic house, when I can’t even get enough people to read my stuff???

And that, followers, is why I'm up at midnight after exhausting Spirit-World shenanigans.

#spirit-work #Filipino mythology #long post #personal gnosis #unverified personal gnosis #paganism #irish paganism #anito

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thebraingremlinsaremad · 3 years ago

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Daily Blog #15: August 22, 2021

Dollar Tree is honestly pretty fucking awesome 👌👌👌

I set my alarm for like 6:25 this morning, but it took 6 minutes for the "Horsin' Around" theme song instrumental to wake me up. I was pretty tired lol. I just dismissed it and went back to sleep.

I only went back to sleep because I knew I had another alarm set for 7:00. That got me up.

I should mention that this was still in the RV over an hour away from the house.

After I got up, I went to go get a shower, and did so successfully.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten my brush this time and had to do it afterwards after my hair had a bit of time to dry, which did make it a little more difficult lol.

I got dressed and grabbed my stuff, putting it into my car.

I made it a point to see and say "see you later" to my grandparents before I left for the flea market.

My dad insisted that I stayed to say goodbye to my mom, so I left.

I did NOT have cell service up there, as was mentioned in my previous 2 blogs of which I could only post today, so finding my way was a tiny bit difficult until I got some service to ask Google to take me to "...".

It worked and I got there.

On my drive, I listened to 1 by Simple Kid, a CD I had previously purchased at a Dollar Tree location.

I got a call from the guy at the flea market saying that I had some people there waiting for me. He asked how far away I was, to which I said "about 10 minutes." Ironically, that call made me miss my exit, as Google couldn't talk during the call, and added about 3 minutes to my arrival time lmao.

I did sell the Xbox that he said someone was interested in. I got $40 for it. I spent 27¢ on it. Pretty good return if you ask me.

I couldn't sell it with anything other than a power cord because the controller and AV cables I had been using to play it there were for my personal console. I'm just glad I can actually hook my Xbox up and stop having to drag them to the flea market along with a small library of games.

Not too long after I sold the Xbox, someone came in and asked if I wanted to see some electronics he had in his car. I went out with him. It was a pair of 3ft speakers and a Pioneer audio system with dual cassette decks (although neither of them works) and a 25 Disc CD-changer, as well as the standard AM/FM tuner. Additionally, there was a Fisher amplifier and AM/FM tuner as well as a Fisher Direct Drive turntable. He said he wanted $60 for em, but before that he casually, and probably accidentally, dropped that he was just gonna take em to the thrift store.

Big mistake.

I got em for $35 lmao. THERE GOES MOST OF MY PROFIT.

Oh well.

I tested everything. As I mentioned, the cassette decks don't work, but everything else does apart from the turntable needing a new stylus.

I posted some new photos of the shop to Facebook, and someone soon DMed me about a stereo system.

I priced everything, and it turns out I have about $300 worth of equipment from that deal, the Fisher amp and tuner being worth about $150.

The buyer will hopefully show up next weekend, for he wants to buy the Fisher stuff ($185 with the turntable), the 3ft speakers, an 8-track deck, and a Kenwood deck we've had for a week or two.

The speakers are listed for $50 (and are worth around $100-150), the Kenwood Deck for $50 as well, and the 8-track for $35. That makes it about $320 in equipment. Since he's buying so much, I'll knock it down to $270 and essentially give him the speakers or cassette deck for free lol.

Apart from that stuff, not much happened at the flea market. I sold some records, cassettes, CDs and I think 2 DVDs. One person bought a VHS tape? That money was the other guy's though. Oh well xD.

I can't say that I didn't miss my wonderful partner while on the trip. I actually brought along the stuffed animal they gave me (who's name is Greg) and snuggled with him both nights.

I was very happy to hear from them UwU.

They let me rant and I let them rant.

I honestly give them too much responsibility over me xD. I'm like, "Okay, I'm gonna do this. HOLD ME TO IT."

I know I can't hold myself to anything I personally say (this blog being the only exception apparently), but I listen to them pretty well I think 🤔. If they tell me, "No, you don't need that VCR," so long as it's not some weird specialty thing, like a worldwide VCR 🥵, I'll be like "Yeah, you rite bro."

I love you man xD. You control my craziness pretty well. I'm so thankful for you UwU.

#relationshipgoals

So part way through the flea market day, I went over to Dollar Tree to buy some snack, but ended up looking through the CDs to see if there was anything good. I took photos of about 18 CDs and flipped through them online for the remainder of the flea market day.

I deleted the photos of the ones I didn't want and kept those that I liked. Surprisingly, I ended up buying 13 CDs there, but not before dropping them on the floor like the dumbass I am.

Also, sorry for all the nerd shit I spilled on your lap earlier. No one cares about amps and tuners xD.

I'M LISTENING TO ONE OF THE DOLLAR TREE CDS RIGHT NOW THO.

I already transferred over to my online library on iBroadcast and put the disc into my CD changer, which is now holding 164 CDs.

Its max capacity is 300 discs 🥵

WHY AM I NERD

Oh well

I like being a nerd gurl

Also maybe a technosexual 👀

I get really excited over some electronics. Like. REALLY excited.

Some editing VCRs are like "Holy shit that is SEXY. Look at those goddamn VU meters 🥵. And hhhh there are like 7 inputs on this thing and individual controls for left and right audio gain, not to mention Hi-Fi S-VHS recording. Hhhhhhhhhhh please gimme 😭. Why are you so expensive?"

I uh, mean, uh, *cough* look, pretty lights.

Oh yeah, I was gonna say the album I was listening to xD. MAN I GOT SIDETRACKED.

It's 37 Everywhere by Punchline. Def give it a listen; it's pretty heccin good.

Another notable album I picked up was Page One by Steven Page. I very much like the first track, "A New Shore." It's quite catchy and he has a great voice imo.

Also at dollar tree, I bought a regular bag of Fieras and 2 bags of Fieras Sticks, which were marked down to 75¢/bag because they're expiring soon.

I honestly like the generic Dollar Tree version of Takis more than actual Takis. They're a lot more flavorful when it comes to the lime, but also hotter at the same time.

Don't get the hot nacho ones tho. Hot nacho? More like hot pile of shit.

HAH

Goteem.

They're not that good xD.

THE REGULAR ONES ARE FIRE THO

"How do you do fellow kids?"

I got home and started working on putting the CDs onto my computer, and then onto iBroadcast, but not without first adding The Music Man to my digital library, something I had neglected for a month or two. The CD had just been sitting there lol.

I also switched my digital file for "The Black Parade" to that of the uncensored CD, which I had purchased before I event started working over 2 months ago.

MAN I'M LAZY

I eventually get around to shit tho lol. I guess it's just a matter of priority.

What usually takes priority is digging through everything to find something that I forgot about but then remembered, making a mess in the process that I would then have to clean up, at least partially.

I think the album just ended. I've been writing for a while xD. I'ma start "I Made You Something" by The Island of the Misfit Toys.

I'll tell you where that album came from in a minute.

In the meantime, where was I?

I kinda lost my train of thought despite reading up to see where I was. Oh well. On I go.

I ate dinner and kept working on those CDs, eventually putting my clothes from the week into the washer.

I FORGOT TO PUT MY SHAPING UNDERWEAR IN. FUCKING HELL MAN.

I wanted to wash em for this week 😭

No tight pants for Leonna I guess qwq.

Meanwhile, the box of my CD album cases is overflowing. I need another box.

I keep all of the album artworks in a big CD folder. That's almost full.

I wanna fill my entire CD changer. That's one of my big goals in life. Idk why, but I just wanna legitimately fill the entire thing.

My clothes are in the dryer now. I don't think I have the time (or energy) to fold them tonight. I'll leave that for tomorrow morning before work.

And God. Fucking. Damnit. I start school again on Wednesday. NOT looking forward to that, and neither are my 2 coworkers. We already have low enough staff, but only the two of them working is gonna be a pain in the ass.

I'll still work Saturdays.

I need to contact my guidance counselor to get out of the gym class I signed up for. I scheduled this shit before I found out I was trans, and I don't wanna deal with the fucking locker room situation 🙄 I have far more important matters.

Okay so anyway, the album I'm listening to came from a cassette. I bought this cassette a few months ago at the flea market along with a few others. The reason I bought them? They were all newer cassette releases from the 2010's, and they're all actually pretty good music from very indie bands.

Currently getting mad at iBroadcast's compression algorithm. It's unnaturally fucking anything over -10db up. Oh well, there's not really anything I can do about it.

I have like 13GB of music on my phone btw. That's about 3.5k songs on 268 albums.

I'm kind of an audiophile, but I'm too cheap to pay for a lossless service. Oh well.

They do actually have a lossless service on iBroadcast, but once again, too cheap.

Someone just sent me a friend request who legitimately posted that BLM and the democratic party are hate groups.

BLOCK.

Goodbye ho.

I don't get that. They call the democratic party a hate group when they hate people like me, and I, being more of a democrat although not fully because the 2-party system is fucked, think nothing more of them than they're very wrong about certain things, especially, as shown, that black people, as well as asian, Indian, native, and people of all ethnicities and backgrounds, are not equal to white people.

Yeh.

Totally.

You go buddy.

Anyway, yeah, I can, and do, convert music and video from analog formats to digital files in order for me to archive and listen to whenever and wherever I please. I've actually made a bit of a business out of it, but I don't get too much work from it. At least I'm not overloading myself xD.

I honestly have so much more to say, but I should probably go to sleep soon.

A few final shoutouts to the following people and companies:

-Dollar Tree

-Steven Page

-Broken World Media

-The Island of Misfit Toys

-Simple Kid

-Punchline

-My incredible partner QwQ I love you so much. Thanks for being the best all the time. I hope I can give you the best life ever.

Anyway I suppose this is goodnight. Lmk if you want a full list of the CDs I bought today! I'll link that song by Steven Page here.

And here's a good song from Simple Kid

I really like music lol. Enjoy these pieces.

Anyway, goodnight lol.

Lots of love,

-Leonna.

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travelingbytastebuds · 4 years ago

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CONGOLESE {DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO/REPUBLIC OF CONGO}

WHERE: Homecooked! I don't get to do a lot of field trip now that I'm working through the long list of African countries as there aren't as many African restaurants out there. And the few that ARE out there usually stick to cuisine from Ghana (already crossed that one off my list) or Senegal (which I'm saving for a field trip I can take in Spring) or what I will call just 'miscellaneous West African'. This weekend I got to go on a little tasting field trip though. Yay, getting out of the house! It started with going to the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts for their Congo Masks exhibit. I have been to the VMFA before for their picnics outside but in all my years of living in Virginia I never ventured inside. I always thought it was nothing more than a lot of European 18th century paintings, but I was surprised to see that it took 'art' to mean more creative cultural artifacts than just paintings. There were rooms full of Egyptian artifacts, Roman artifacts, Asian, ect and then some strange modern art fixtures. The Congo Masks exhibit was beautifully done-- lots of masks, movies of their dances, information on the countries that make up the Congolese rainforests. Most of it was from the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The giant map on the wall that showed just how many tribes were in the Congo blew me away. The Democratic Republic of the Congo is ethnically diverse, and more than 200 different ethnic groups have been identified in the region. An estimated 215 native languages are spoken in the country alongside French, which is the official language in the country. When you think about it, that's only one country out of 58 in Africa.. so take that 'hundreds of tribes' number and multiply it over and over and over again... and they all have their own music, food, clothing, religions, masks, art-- it's amazing how much culture is really contained in the continent. Europeans used to like to think that they "civilized" and "culturalized" Africa, but when you stand in front of that map and think about how much art and culture there was it's mind boggling. Especially when I know how hard and intricate some of that art is to make (African food will be the death of my kitchen, I swear). It's humbling.

I got to talking to one of the museum workers who were there about the Traveling By Tastebuds project after she asked me if I liked the exhibit. She was really intrigued and said I should start a blog. I'm working on it, I'm working on it... Then after MANY hours spent in the museum, I decided to see if I could remember where I had seen the package of instant fufu. All the ethnic grocery stores around here are starting to blend together-- I stopped by Europa Food Mart but they had never heard of it before. The lady looked at me completely puzzled and just asked, “Fu... fu...?” That seems to be the most common reaction when I talk to foodies about African cuisine. I go into cooking forums online to ask questions and I swear I can hear crickets. (Hence another reason why African cooking will be the death of my kitchen.) I find it strange that of all the cuisines in the world, African is the only that seems rare and unknown. Anyway, I was so sure Europa Food Mart was the place, but no. So off I went to 2 Fish & 5 Loaves Global Market-- which Google listed as an African grocery store. The store was pretty awesome. All these ingredients that I've been reading about after pursuing all these recipes were right there on the shelf, they weren't just words I thought the recipe writers were just making up anymore, heh. I found some red palm oil and yes, the instant fufu. The owner was very helpful and told me if I had any questions about recipes in the future I could always come back to the store to ask her. She even helped me with some pronunciations after realizing what I was trying to say and then having to correct me. There was also a guy there who was friends with the shop keep. He starred at my pale white ass and asked in a thick West African accent, “Fufu? How you know dis fufu?” I explained a bit about my project to him. “How you know how to make dis fufu when you get home?” He asked, teasing me. “I don't think you know how to make da fufu.” “Well, the instructions are right on the box.” I smirked and teased him back. “I'll just read them.” The shopkeeper started laughing at that and told him in her own thick accent. “She got you. She got you!” Then the guy realized I was serious about trying my hand at trying this meal, so he started talking about how to make it, how it was different if you cooked in a pot or microwaved, how many different flavor fufu came in, some of his memories from back home of his mother making it, what consistency it should be, how I could troubleshoot some cooking problems if they happened-- it really was a very interesting conversation that was practically a half hour long all about “da fufu”. I thanked him for all his advice and told the shopkeeper I'd be back again sometime. They wished me luck. They were really cool. Nice little mom and pop shop.

Once I got home, I made the chicken moambe (which is the national dish of both Congos). The stew came out really good-- full of peanut butter (African cuisine puts peanut butter in EVERYTHING-- never moved here if you have an allergy, lol), tomato and onions. I browned the chicken a bit too long though and the chicken turned out a bit like hockey pucks. Not inedible though, just oddly... crunchy. Lol I also made fufu-- which is eaten in a lot of African countries to sop up stew. I'm not sure if I made it correctly though. The guy in the store said it was supposed to be sticky, but it ended up tasting like yam-flavored putty with the consistency of pizza dough. Eh... I don't think I actually know how to make da fufu. I microwaved it though, next time I'm gonna try it on the stove. I also burned many of my fingers since the directions said to kneed it for a minute after pulling it out of the microwave, but it was so sticky that when I actually pulled it out of the microwave and dug my fingers into it all that happened was getting burning putty stuck to my fingers in a way that I couldn't get it off. I think I burned off quite a few of my fingerprints with that mistake. For dessert, I made a peanut butter (AGAIN with the peanut butter!) mousse dessert from the Republic of Congo-- with coconut and chocolate decorative garnish. It was my first time making mousse and first time using gelatin. I think I used a bit too much gelatin because it ended up really wiggly like Jello when I always thought mousse was supposed to be more of a firm pudding. The taste was good, the texture was weird. All in all-- it was pretty good but I need to learn to execute the recipes better. Again, I say, African cooking will be the death of my kitchen... but hopefully I'll get better with it! There are 54 countries in the continent after all! Chicken Moambe: Recipe Here! Congo Peanut Butter Mousse: Recipe Here! Fufu: Available on Amazon.com

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

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Survey #466

“she is the butcher, she wants the air / she hides the scars under her hair”

Who do you think cares the most about you? My mom. What do you do when you’re pissed off? Isolate and cry. Have you ever had unprotected sex? Good luck catchin' me do that. What did your mother study at university? Social work. What was the last thing you took a video of? I have zero idea. What is your least favorite kind of weather? Hot and humid weather can actually fuck off. What was the last housework you did? Does changing my cat's litter count? Have you ever had famous neighbors? Not to my knowledge. Have you ever lived in a small community where everyone knew each other? Nope. Have you ever actually drank warm milk? NO EW EW EW EW EW Do you talk to your pets? If you don't, are you REALLY a pet parent??????? Who is a famous person you could see yourself reading a biography about? He's always said he doesn't want to but I really hope Mark writes an autobiography one day alskdjklafjw;ejr Are there any numbers you dislike for any reason? No. What skill that you have do you make most use of? idk man Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? Nah. Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? No. Have you ever ate so much you puked? No. Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? Sometimes/some places yes, other times/places, no. Would you rather eat cookies or brownies? It would probably change with what I'm feeling, but I lean towards a nice center piece brownie. :^) If you’re out late, where are you likely to be? This literally never happens. Do you ever visit your mall’s arcade (if it has one)? Our mall is lame as fuck. It definitely doesn't have one. What’s your absolute favorite topic to discuss? Mark, lmao. What is your least favorite topic to discuss? Politics. Have you ever been confined to a wheelchair? "Confined" seems like a strong word, but a nurse did give me one at the doctor's office when I massively tore a ligament in my foot and could barely walk at all. If you have a job, who’s your closest friend at work? Don't remind me that I don't have a job. Have you told anyone you love them today? Not yet, but I'm sure I will later. Have you ever worked in an office? No, but I guess that's what I'm going to wind up going for once I'm ready to job-hunt again... It feels sad that I'm actually aiming for the cubicle life now just because my interaction with people would be much more limited than with most other jobs. Who does the grocery shopping in your house? My mom. Do you prefer margarine or butter, and why? I don't even know if I'd recognize the taste difference. Have you ever been in serious trouble at work or school? No. Do you have any strange fears or phobias that you’re embarrassed of? That I'm embarrassed of, no. Can you smell anything right now? No. Have you ever tried coconut water? No. Which Asian country would you like to visit the most? Idk. Maybe Japan? How old were your parents when they got engaged? I have no idea. Have you ever done a first aid course? No. If so, would you be prepared to perform CPR if necessary? No. Have you ever ‘done it’ in a hotel room? No. Just the idea grosses me out. Where is your next vacation? Couldn't tell ya, buddy. Which are better black or green olives? I'm not a fan of black olives, and I won't even TRY green ones. They just look so fucking disgusting to me. Does your car have a backup camera? Mom's doesn't. Have either of your parents ever been in trouble with the law? No. Do you have a preferred brand of bottled water? Essentia. Is your skin more oily, dry, or combination? It's a combination depending on the location. Where did you meet your current significant other? High school band. What kind of house do you wish you lived in? One that's in the woods. What was the last compliment you received from an old lady? I don't have a clue. Do you know how to cut hair? Properly, no. Have you ever had a classmate die? I believe maybe once? If you have a song stuck in your head, what is it? I recently discovered "Foxy, Foxy" by Rob Zombie and it's Good Stuff. Do you tend to space out a lot? Very much so. What people have changed your life for the better? My parents, my psychiatrist, a PHP therapist, Sara, debatably Jason... Have you ever had any kind of dangerous addiction? What’s this addiction? Caffeine, I guess. Are your parents still married, divorced, or split up? Like this decision? They're divorced, and while it sucks for your parents to split up, it's a decision that I definitely approve of given all they ever did was fight when I was growing up. Them staying together would've been very destructive. Have you ever heard of Hollywood Undead? Do you like them? Well yeah, and I like a large number of songs to where I'd consider myself a fan. I actually had a shirt in high school. Has anyone ever called you a coward before? Who called you that? I don't believe so. Are you a Jeffree Star fan? Or no? Do you think he’s awesome/dumb? Honestly, yes. Like he's done dumb shit, but has more than sufficiently apologized for it in my opinion and changed his behavior for the better. I also - astonishingly - like his music quite a bit. As well, his work ethic is fucking INCREDIBLE, like extremely admirable. Has your grandmother ever made you anything? Not including cookies. I don't think so. I don't even think she ever liked me. Do you disgust anyone? Did they tell you that? Why is this, anyways? Not that I know of. When was the last time you cried, and why (if you want to share)? I don't remember, actually. Probably just about life. Who was the last person who was rude to you? *shrug* Do you have a relationship with God? lol no, and even if I believed in him, I wouldn't have a remotely decent opinion of that entity. Is weed legal in your state? No. Have you ever thrown up in class? In kindergarten, yes. What is something that you used to be ashamed of, but now you’re not? As a kid, being a girl, I was so embarrassed by liking Pokemon. Now, I am literally wearing an Eeveelutions shirt and went out in public lmao. I couldn't care less about loving them cuties. Have you ever walked outside in below zero weather? No; I've never experienced those temperatures. Have you ever held a newborn baby? Yes, but I was sitting down. I would be WAY too scared of dropping a baby otherwise. Are a ton of your Facebook friends getting married and having kids now? I legitimately think most of my friends on there already have kids and/or are married/engaged. It's triggering sometimes and was a massive motivator for me taking a break from there. What’s something you believe in that most people don’t? So uh, I hope this doesn't sound insensitive given how it just passed, but I 100% believe the U.S. government was to some extent involved in 9/11. There is an incredible amount of evidence when you do the research. Is there anyone who’s dear in your heart who’s going down the wrong path? I worry about one of my good friends quite a bit. She is horribly addicted to pot (like, she admits it) in a state where it's not legal, and I'm concerned she'll face legal repercussions eventually. She also dates an absolute lowlife asshole, but they've been together for a very long time, and I just worry about how that might damage her later down the road. Do you get enough sleep? God, it never feels like it. What’s something you wish you would have known sooner? That college wouldn't work for me. Like, I dropped out of three. I do NOT want to know the debt I'm in. What’s the next big project you plan to start? Idk. Possibly something for Girt's birthday because Mom really pissed me off and doesn't want to spend *any*thing to help me get something for him. Is that bad on my end? Like she pointed out he knows I don't work, but like... come on. He's my bf, one of my greatest friends ever, and you can't spare anything? I really don't know if that's selfish or not; it's just that if I get him nothing, I will feel like ACTUAL garbage. So making something may just be my only option. I just dunno what... Do you think you were cute in your baby pictures? omg yes, idk what happened Do you remember pre-school? A lot of it, yes. My long-term memory is pretty damn amazing. Would you allow your children to date prior to 16? Yes. Does your town have a farmer’s market? I think so? Which app on your phone do you tend to get the most notifications from? Pokemon GO, lol. How old were you when you met your current best friend? Around 11. What is something you gave up on after many failed attempts? Photography is coming real fuckin close. I've been trying to go somewhere with that for YEARS. Would you rather read a book, or listen to the audiobook? Physically read. I think my attention would stray listening to an audiobook. Do you think tomorrow will be a better day than today? It's possible, idk. I had a doctor's appointment today that absolutely slaughtered my mood, so I feel fucking horrific, but Girt is also coming over today, and I'm sure he'll cheer me up. I won't see him tomorrow, so that's a bummer. With which friend are you most likely to share a secret? Sara. What is the last thing you complained about? It's hot as shit outside. Is there a show you swear that you will never watch? 13 Reasons Why. What was the last topic that you ranted about? Anti-vax bullshit. Who is the most sensitive person that you know? Bitch, me. Have you ever had a tooth (or teeth) pulled? No. What did you do last Halloween? Literally nothing on the actual holiday. :/ Fire drills: Did you ever wish they were real… just once? ... To get out of school, yes. :x What was the last thing that you felt strongly about? I am still positively livid about Texas' "heartbeat bill." Fuck that place and fuck that law. What is one insecurity you have about your body? Um, everything???? What is one part of your body that you are proud of? Nothing????

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''foxy foxy'' by rob zombie

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patheticwithanem · 4 years ago

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2020 in Retrospect

Hey friend,

I know it’s late, but I HAVE TO DO THIS. I kind of promised myself I’m writing about the year that was. I’m not exactly sure why; maybe it’s to put things in perspective going in to 2021? And today’s my fourth year anniversary with my employer, so I guess it’s perfect timing? (More on that later)

So I was going through my notes (I have this habit of writing down what happens on a daily basis - be it activities, emotions, drama, name it) and one thing’s for sure. 2020 SUCKED. It did. But I’m committing to this no matter what!

First things first: lots of profanities along the way. Well actually, I was about halfway writing the letter when fucking Tumblr decided to refresh and delete what I’ve been writing for about one fucking hour now. So I have to fucking do it all over again. If this is the Lord telling me to stop being sentimental about 2020, fret not my Lord! I’m one stubborn son of a bitch, so I’m carrying on.

Here’s how the rest of the year unfolded. 2020. Let’s go.

JANUARY. Reunions?

January 1. Had a get-together with a few relatives in Malabon. It was fun! I used to be so allergic to family reunions but I guess age creeping in changes you? You value people even more now? This was also the last time we’re able to spend some time with my uncle from Singapore. He brought his family to spend the holidays here. He’s a sweetheart and a great father who’s missed.

January 9. I attended a college dormmate’s wedding. I remember contemplating whether to go or not only to realize I’m actually lucky to be even invited given the fact that I chose to be distant for them for a long while. I also told myself that not showing up is so far from what I’m trying to be. Although I wasn’t there for the whole thing, I’m glad I did come. I was able to bond with my roommates once again whom I treated like brothers ten years ago and that was nice. A not-so-close dormmate even introduced me to his boyfriend and that’s huuuuge. The bride was beautiful too, and I’m glad she’s in the best place right now after all she’s been through. She’s a strong one, that girl.

January 11. Got invited to a birthday pool party of a colleague at work. I have to say I’m actually quite surprised I was invited to this. She’s always had my back though and always kind of looked after me, so I had to go. It was fun but I didn’t get drunk AT ALL.

January 12. AND THIS IS WHERE SHIT STARTED HAPPENING. The Taal Volcano erupted. It was awful especially for everyone living near the area because everything was covered with ash. It was also a day before my brother’s birthday and we thought the ashfall would be worse the next day so we decided to celebrate earlier.

January 19. Went to a fiesta. Did not expect to survive that at all. It was a different kind of neighborhood, but the people were nice.

January 25. Went to a public market with co-workers to buy clothes, eat chicken wings for dinner and then our regular fix of karaoke. Good times.

Anything else? I was able to book a birthday trip to Yogyakarta, which I eventually canceled because of youknowwhat. Tragic.

February. Blindside!

February 7. Blindside’s a bitch. Yes, that’s what I had written on my notes. I legitimately felt blindsided. So story: I have a friend who I found out was pregnant (let’s call her Ms. Preggy, sorry) and me and her bestfriend (let’s call him Work Son because he was my work son in a lot of ways) decided to hold an intervention for her. The four of us including a friend I’m going to call The-Now-Bestie (kind of a spoiler) whom I had a misunderstanding and was not in speaking terms with will be coming to Work Son’s place. Essentially, the goal was to make Ms. Preggy open up about her pregnancy and her issues with the douchebag father; make her feel that she has us and she doesn’t need to be alone in this. I think it went well, in that regard. However, the whole thing was awkward in epic proportions. It’s as if me and The-Now-Bestie didn’t want to acknowledge each other’s existence, and when we didn’t have a choice, we were sarcastic to each other. I also really felt like an outsider among the four that time; like I wasn’t supposed to be there and wasn’t really contributing to anything. It was a really lonely feeling. I decided to distance myself to them after that.

February 13. WINNERS AT WAR PREMIERE! Words can’t even express how excited I was to see some of my heroes again on screen! Parvati with that “phoenix rising from the ashes” confessional? Damn, girl! Still a fucking legend! It was also nostalgic Yul working his godfather magic once again. I’ve always seen him as a top-tier winner and someone I looked up to for what he represented to the Asian community and the history of Survivor. It was also nice seeing Kim, Tyson, Tony, Sophie, Natalie and Sandra. But I must say I kind of missed Todd. He was my favorite winner and was a great storyteller, a great strategist and a great character with an amazing comeback story. He would’ve been perfect for a season with this caliber of players. And as much as I hate Jeff Probst for shoving him down our throats, I wanted to see Cochran play with these winners! Caramoan’s my first season (a late superfan, yes) and he’s the very reason I got so hooked with the show. I used to think it’s a game where people like me never win. So to see someone like Cochran who’s awkward in every sense of the word (and owning it) win Survivor, it is very inspiring. I like speaking in metaphors and it’s funny how much metaphorical Survivor can be to how I see life now. I see Cochran and if he can win in Survivor, I feel like I can win in life, as silly as that sounds. Cochran sucked his first season, but he then went on to play this dominant game his second try while still managing to be the adorkable underdog that he is. I love that story. Man, I get so worked up when I talk about Survivor! I wish I had that same passion with anything else.

February 19. Mom slipped and had to be rushed to the nearest ER. Good thing there were no fractures and she was fine. I guess we can thank the fats for that? LOL

February 21 ‘til 23. WEEKEND STAYCATION! I needed this! Drinking at the hotel taproom with a live band? YES! Indian for lunch and surf-and-turf buffet for dinner? YES YES YES! That lamb chops, MY LORD. Thank you.

February 29. Leap Day. I started journaling again.

March. FUCKING COVID.

March 16. The Start of the Lockdown we all come to love now (punk, sarcasm).

March 17. Politics is so taboo to discuss especially over dinner. But then BAM. I had a major fight with my dad (and by major, I mean MAJOR in a get-out-of-the-house-in-the-middle-of-the-pandemic kind of major). It was basically about a comment he made that’s so misogynistic (towards the Vice President) that I just knew I can’t just let go. It was sooo bad I got all pissed, and when I’m pissed, I can get scary. Maybe it’s the voice or the eyes or both, but the fight got really heated on the verge of getting physical. Which now that I think about it is stupid just because of fucking different political views. Well, I can never get behind the President and they’re huge fans of him and I’ve come to terms with that but it’s just... bleh. I’m not even gonna try to rationalize it because I can’t. It’s just.. disgusting. Oh fucking well.

April. Wander-fucking-lust.

April 1. I started a 30-day Financial Detox which basically meant no unnecessary expenses. No online shopping, no paying for leisure. None. It was April Fools, but I was dead-set on saving! (Spoiler alert: I failed.)

April 6. Meltdown. I just really couldn’t hold it in anymore.

April 11. Dad’s birthday. After not talking for over a month (which is no easy feat in a tiny condominium unit), we acknowledged each other’s presence. By April 15, it’s like nothing happened anymore. He even gave me a home haircut (which for a beginner, is pretty good). On other news, I started watching The Politician on Netflix and t’was the day I started obsessing on Ben Platt and his music.

April 16. A year ago, I was enjoying sidewalk pho and almost making friends at Cu Chi Tunnels and the Saigon Skydeck of the Bitexco Financial Tower in Ho Chi Minh. Damn, covid.

April 18. That crazy border-crossing from Saigon to Phnom Penh a year ago. That was fulfilling. Damn, covid.

April 19. A year ago, I was experiencing sunrise at Angkor Wat. Wander-fucking-lust UGH.

April 30. That Town Hall shoutout from our company’s President because of reaching my quota from last month. That really felt good. As much as I hate to admit it, I like being validated from time to time. It definitely meant a lot especially coming from her who took a chance on me. I was patting my back.

MAY. Endure. Let Go.

May 14. KING TONY WON. Very well-deserved win. A disappointment of a season if you ask me, but props to the king for dominating an all-winners season. Respect for that. Also Natalie and Michele played great games as well and they should be very proud of themselves. I feel like a proud father to these winners HAHAHA!

May 16. Was pleasantly surprised with Dead to Me. That car scene between Jen and Judy on that ninth episode from the second season? Damn. That’s one of the few moments I teared up because of a TV show. That was powerful. All that tension building up and then that sudden release? I really felt that.

May 26. Why do I always feel all this fucking rage inside of me? I try to think of any triggers but I can’t seem to find one that’s actually reasonable. It’s like the isolation getting the best of me. I initially thought quarantine’s going to be a cakewalk for an introvert like myself, but it wasn’t the case. I feel like I’m losing my shit because I was stripped off of the usual things I have access to whenever I feel uneasy and anxious and angry like this. Endure, let go, I know. But it’s so much easier said than done, right?

JUNE. Breathe.

June 12. So the plan to sell the condo and find a new place is real. We went to this great place in Valenzuela and it was a great house and all but I felt weird. Maybe I was having trouble letting go? Maybe it’s just me being averse to change yet again?

June 15. Slept 6am for that How To Get Away With Murder series finale. That speech. VIOLA. Chills all over my body.

June 18. New phone was delivered. That was fast.

June 27. First time visiting the village we moved to. We were checking a different house this time and was already picturing us living there. Still felt weird, but maybe less.

Looking at it now, I realize almost nothing happened in this stretch of months. Pathetic.

JULY. Change (that’s not necessarily good lol)

July 3. The Anti-Terrorism Bill signed. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT.

July 10. Doomsday. The ABS-CBN renewal disapproved. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT. Also, that first house we checked was bought this day. First heartbreak.

July 22. Decided to donate to one of my elementary teachers to help finance school supplies for his students in the province. That felt good.

July 24. folklore’s goooood. This is the Taylor Swift sound that I love. (I had to write that down because that was a 2020 highlight to be honest)

AUGUST. Getting older. Again.

August 2. Donated to another cause: to help a really close friend’s mom (who’s a school principal) on financing their students’ lesson modules (they needed more paper so the donation was going to be used to buy more paper). That felt good.

August 3. Started obsessing on Dear Evan Hansen. I mean come on. HOW COME I ONLY KNEW OF THIS NOW?!?! The story, the acting, the soundtrack... it felt like I asked the Lord for a musical for me and he gave this on a silver platter.

August 9. Lasagna, baked sushi, lechon belly, pansit, cake. Weird combination, I know, but that’s me!

August 11. Discovered the Slowly app. Changed my life since then! I’m not even exaggerating. I guess it has to do with feeling extremely lonely amid the pandemic and getting this platform where you can talk to literally anyone while still keeping your anonymity. And it strips you off of instant gratification you’re so used to because you actually have to wait for your letters to be sent and to arrive. A great exercise for patience if you ask me! And since you have to wait, you make your letters longer and more worthwhile. It’s a platform free of judgment which relies heavily on building actual mental and emotional connections. It’s a gift, truly. NOT EXAGGERATING; YES I’M THAT LONELY.

August 23. The house search continued. This time, the South!

August 24. It was my first time watching a Korean drama and I gotta say I get the hype now. Korea makes great stories and they take their time when telling these stories. The story centering about mental health was definitely what got me to try watching It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, but the show’s so much more than that. That was a great watch.

SEPTEMBER. Finally some light?

September 1. Second year anniversary. I still really miss her.

September 5. My cat’s 5th birthday! Of course we had to celebrate for her with baked macaroni and burnt cheesecake.

September 11. Lost uncle. He gave a good fight.

September 19. SENSE8. It’s a show that doesn’t need any explaining. It’s the BEST. I love this cast SO MUCH. I remember thinking if I ever get a tattoo (which is unlikely), I’ll maybe have the title of that Sense8 series finale inked on me. AMOR VINCIT OMNIA. Love conquers all.

September 27. After a series of unfortunate events, we were led to this house on the same village we keep going back to, and the moment we saw it, we were sold. This is going to be our house. And it happened.

OCTOBER. Surprises?

October 6. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t.

October 12. Booked a trip for next year because I’M HOPEFUL AS FUCK.

October 21. Had the best conversation I had in a long time.

October 22. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t.

October 28. Organized a digital event for work. I’m still on the fence whether I’m proud of it or not. It was my first event, and I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. While I enjoyed all the preparation that came with it, from making that tactical marketing plan to coordinating with the organizers and my team, I felt like it was bland. There were lapses here and there and I know that we all tried the best we could, but maybe I just pictured it a little better in my mind? It wasn’t a flawless event and maybe I wanted it to be flawless. But it was fun. I never would’ve imagined me hosting an event, but I did.

NOVEMBER. Decisions.

November 14. So news came and we’re finally moving. The buyer of the condo got approved and it was only a matter of weeks to settle documents and payment and we’re good to go. I had mixed feelings about it. It took me back to that time we started looking for houses. I wasn’t exactly ready to let go of the place I grew with for the past five years. And I wasn’t also ready to let go of the convenience, and the relationships I only have started building with friends I found along the way. But at that moment I knew I had to be happy because they were happy. My family was happy. I knew I have to be happy.

November 21. Started all the packing. Packing meant decluttering and reminiscing, so letting go of more things which was overwhelming at first, but inevitable.

November 23. I had something checked in the hospital, and something happened and it wasn’t supposed to go that way but it did and it was so fucking bizarre lol

November 28. HAPPY MOVING DAY. It’s that day of the year. Stress was off the charts because of the time constraint and frankly, the lack of preparedness. Good thing a few people helped us with the rest of the packing. It was an impossible task for me and my sister alone so we were glad we got all the help we needed. I did most of the heavy lifting, so I had bruises all over my body for weeks, but after all was said and done, it felt surreal. Felt like everything coming full circle. That first night in the new home? I’ll never forget that. That was special.

December. The end of an era.

December 2. I went back to the condo to stay for a few more days. Get to feel the place one last time. Also lost a huge deal at work to a competitor. I usually really get depressed with these losses, but for some reason I felt indifferent about it. I guess it was my mind telling me I’ve mentally checked out of work already? That maybe it is really time to move on to something that’ll make me care about what I do again? Make me feel again?

December 4. Met someone (who we can call the Professor) I’ve been talking to for a while now. We’ve had some really great conversations leading to this night; talks at 3AM that’s kind of liberating? I was upfront about the moving and that I only have a few days left in the place which is probably why it happened. Professor was also upfront about leaving the country in a few months for an opportunity to work and do research in Japan for five fucking years. It was awkward at first; but we eventually warmed up to each other and spent the night together.

December 5. Things escalated pretty quickly. The Professor gave me a shower (that was weird but I was feeling it and I thought it was sweet and sexy?). We cuddled until we slept and there was breakfast prepared when I woke up. I don’t usually get to experience this kind of stuff so I really appreciated that. I was feeling it. I thought I can get used to this! I left the place and was invited back again so I stayed over for another night. We’ve had a few more interesting conversations. I was not expecting some of the things we discussed especially the talk about long-distance relationships. The Professor asked me what I think about it and I was honest; I’m not against it but it’s not something I’ll take a chance on if I wasn’t sure about it. Mantra’s always been connection first before commitment. I’m not the “take a leap of faith” kind-of guy; I needed to be sure. Or at the very least be really mentally and emotionally connected with the person. I thought that made perfect sense. I still do.

December 6. So it was finally goodbye. Me and my sister went to the nearest church to donate a few clothes and shoes and to attend a mass. Bid farewell to the Professor too and promised each other to keep in touch. I also had an awkward encounter with my sister’s “friend” who she sneaked in the condo for God knows what for. Pretty sure they did the nasty.

December 13. We went to our old house (the one I spent my younger years in) to get a few stuff for the new house. I only really wanted to get my old bicycle because I want to be biking regularly for the next year. I want to take that fitness journey seriously! So I got the bike and I got to spend some time with some childhood friends. Good stuff.

December 15. A teammate resigned at work. The funny thing is he did it after getting that 13th month bonus HAHAHA! I can’t blame him though after learning about the salary he gets when he’s performing three functions in the team. That’s insane. But it really made me wonder: am I still in this for the long haul? Or do I move on too?

December 17. So I had my work desk and wardrobe delivered. Felt so nice buying things for my room!

December 19. We got a new dog! Another French Bulldog. He’s pretty sweet. Someone’s not happy! (MY MOM)

December 22. And then this happened. We were supposed to meet after my dentist appointment (which I only used as an excuse to meet and I thought that was obvious) but the Professor never showed up. I waited for FIVE FREAKIN HOURS. I had like clothes with me because we agreed I sleepover but FUCK. Good thing a friend kept me company, but that was horrible. I thought YOU NEVER DO THAT TO ANYONE. I deserve better.

December 24. We had our house blessed. It was all super spontaneous; we invited a few friends and relatives over and had an intimate gathering. Mom got emotional (AGAIN).

December 27. So Ms. Preggy (from February - oooh that rhymed) had her son baptized. Since she lives a little father from the city, we decided to have a little staycation with some friends there too. The-Now-Bestie and Work Son was there, and we had beer and homecooked food and a slew of great conversations to cap off the year.

Also December 27. I knew I needed to get something off my chest. And I just had to say it.

“You’re so unfair. You shouldn’t have done that. Gave me false hopes. Gave me a “3-day trial period” only to disappear without any warning. Made promises you never intended to keep. You could’ve just told me you’re not interested anymore and I would’ve been fine with that but instead, you ghosted me. For the past few weeks since that weekend, it never seemed like you wanted to get to know me better. Or even just keep the communication going. It’s been one-sided and I wonder: has it always been this way? Maybe I’m remembering things differently. I told you I like you and I meant that. I’m still wrapping around my head why and how it happened to be honest. Maybe it’s that weekend? Maybe it’s the conversations leading up to when we first met? I don’t know. But things changed after that and I should ask you for an explanation but it’s really not the point. The point is I thought we can work something out and you hurt me. You may feel like you’re running out of time because of Japan but it’s no excuse to do that to anyone, really. You seem so sure about what you want so I hope you get whatever that is. Merry Christmas. Thanks for the memories.”

That was intense.

December 28. The Professor responded. “I apologize... I am getting attached... I had to “ponder on its implications to me in the long run”... I decided to slow down... It hurts... “That weekend that we met felt like I knew you before”... I am afraid... “You have no idea how hard it is to leave everything behind every 4-5 fucking years not because I wanted it but because I have to”... I still hope to continue whatever we have... “I will always remember you. Please don’t forget about me.”... YADA YADA YADA.

I know. You know me. I try to empathize as much as possible. But I mean, come on. These are things I already know. It’s not what I needed to hear.

December 31. I needed to say something one last time. There’s already a lot of uncertainties in the world with COVID and life and everything else. I knew I needed answers; I want the binary. I want the black or white for this one. I’m not taking the gray with me next year. So I asked the following questions:

“What do you want from me? Do you want to be friends? Or we stick with occasional catching up on Viber every once in a while (because that’s what it sounds like to me)?”

“What do you want to get from your last two months here? What are you looking for? Just make the most “fun’? Or look for something that will stick?”

“Have you told me anything you really didn’t mean?”

“That one time we talked about long-distance, were you asking me?”

Fast forward to now: I never got the answer I needed. I guess this is one of those rare occasions where no answer is the answer. And after a few weeks of contemplating about it, I am leaving it behind in 2020.

I’m actually at peace with that.

So there you have it. The suck-fest that is 2020. The first month of the new year wasn’t so bad. I feel this great energy. This year’s going to be different. I did tell you that this letter’s perfect timing. That’s because I’ve resigned and I’m moving on. A friend told me a while ago that he’s proud of me for finally taking action. The 2018 version of myself wouldn’t have done what I did and he was happy for me. I wanted a clean slate and I took it. That I was finally taking ownership of my life.

I was elated. My friend usually spoils me with compliments and encouragement and my ever reliable negative self-image tend to disagree with him but for the first time in a very long time, it felt right. I’m not usually excited for New Years, but I guess I am?

I say bring it on, 2021.

Until then,

Patheticwithanem

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eallisnwndrlnd · 4 years ago

Text

A Year Like No Other

Well this year certainly made quite an impact in history where no matter where one lived in the world, there was no way they were not affected by one if not many surprises 2020 decided throw our way.

I, like many, saw 2020 as a fresh start. A reset button for a new decade.

But alas, 2020 had other plans.

To annihilate all ours.

My plan, after a year of finalizing documents after graduation and marking off moving checklists, was to have us moved back to my hometown of Los Angeles, California.

We delayed the flight to May rather than February due to the sudden eruption of the Taal volcano. We were holed up in our house due to air quality and forced to wear masks to protect ourselves as travel was limited and flights were canceled for weeks.

All the while, knowledge of an unknown virus was already impacting China. We knew it was only a matter of time before it would reach us and the rest of the world. Little did we know how much wreckage Covid19 would leave in its wake as it traveled to every country and wreaked havoc across the world. It disturbed our normal lives. The way we lived daily was forever changed. Some more than others as people lost jobs, homes, family and friends to this pandemic.

As Covid19 barely rose to the forefront of a world crisis, my mother and I were packing for our move back stateside by May. I was aware of the seriousness of the virus in January as Taiwan and other Asian countries prepared for a possible repeat of the the last SARs outbreak. As the travel limits that stemmed from Taal died away and the alert level was lowered, we retained our mask wearing as we moved about metro Manila and back to Batangas.

Eventually Philippines began to see its first cases of Covid19 in February. The number of cases slowly increased but not quite as widespread as how it tore through my home country, the U.S. I watched the news, frustrated, horrified and embarrassed at how poorly my country decided to handle the virus.

By March 15, the Philippines was in full lockdown under level ECQ which stood for Enhanced Community Quarantine. Many strict guidelines went into place to mitigate the growing cases and death toll. Travel bans and limits were given for domestic and foreign travel. Travel within provinces and cities were limited to essential workers only. Transportation was completely shuttered from tricycles, jeepneys, buses, ferries, trains, etc, making commute for essential workers a daily nightmare. Nonessential businesses, schools and churches were forced to shut down for the time being. The only businesses allowed to continue were government offices at limited capacity, grocery stores and pharmacies, as well as wet markets but also limited capacity. Only those between the ages of 21 to 61 were allowed to leave their house. (This led to having a very cranky mother for over two months straight)

To enter any place of business people were expected to wear a face mask at all times. A guideline that difficult for some in the beginning only due to a shortage of face masks that stemmed from the Taal eruption and when the Philippines initially sent their supply to China in the beginning of the pandemic. About a few weeks later the masks were expected to be worn as soon as one left their house with a hefty fine of P5,000 ($100) if caught without one or a punishment of 6 months in prison. At entrances every person was checked for their temperature. As cases climbed and hospitals were heavily burdened, the guidelines became stricter by enforcing a quarantine pass that was given to each household where only one member of the household that met the age restrictions, was allowed to go out for only essentials. (This role of course went to me) For about two months we were assigned only one day out of the week we were allowed to go out for shopping for what we needed. (I was assigned Tuesdays.) If anyone was caught without their quarantine pass or going out on a different day they were assigned they risked the same punishment as not wearing a mask. (This meant heavy lifting of groceries and multiple trips in one day whilst walking for 5-13 miles on a given day.) After a while our province along with other provinces met the requirements to downgrade our ECQ to Modified ECQ, then to GCQ (which level we currently are still in since June or July) The quarantine pass was changed to being needed only during the week to not needed at all. (Although I still carry it just in case due to guidelines changing every two weeks or so.) Under GCQ, all businesses were allowed to open but with strict enforcement of guidelines and social distancing with restaurants at 50% capacity. Most businesses and all transportation require wearing full face shields aside from face masks. (This becomes a frustrating addition when my shield starts to fog and I can't freaking see) Schools have remained shuttered and gone remote. Movie theaters have yet to open at least that I'm aware of. Places of worship have opened at very limited capacity but have been shuttered again from time to time. Liquor bans were given during multiple periods of the pandemic.

Eventually our flight was canceled in May. Even if it hadn't been we would have canceled it ourselves since travel between cities and provinces were limited to essential personnel only for around two months and more in other areas. As well as the fact that by that time, U.S. was the most negatively affected with growing cases and deaths with many people becoming difficult tempermental raging toddlers in defying guidelines and refusing to wear a mask. We just did not feel it was safe to go back home any time soon. So here we are still where we were last year with only a non definite plan to move back stateside set in April. I hesitate to say that with any confidence whatsoever.

This year was a year of losses for many. So many of my friends and family have lost someone they knew and were dear to them. My dad's brother, uncle Rick, passed away mid year. I lost my nearly four year old cat, my fur baby, Gandalf "the Grey Whitewalker" only a month ago.

Every time I walk to the backyard to our outhouse, I am constantly reminded of him following me and keeping me company. Every time I look at my window near my bed, I remember him meowing at me to feed him. And every time I look out the front window, I see his little grave marker in our yard. He was my first real pet out of multiple fishes, a hamster, a duck, chickens, a mouse, and a turtle that I had the longest and the only pet I had in my adult years. I didn't realize how hard his loss was going to hit me until it did. The idea of him moving on to furry heaven left me very little to no comfort as I am not a person of faith. I just had to tell myself that it was his time to go and that I was blessed with the time that allowed him to be with me as my furry friend, companion, and confidant who followed my every move and meowed mama (as I taught him) when he wanted something. I will miss Gandalf very much.

With the pandemic holding its place as the suckiest thing to happen this year (...this century), other memorable events happened that held significant importance here and around the world.

Aside from the Taal eruption in January, Philippines was met with natural disasters one after another from multiple earthquakes to an onslaught of disastrous typhoons. Just recently on the morning of Christmas day, my province was hit with a 6.3 magnitude earthquake. Thankfully it didn't cause any damages in our immediate area.

Other disasters hitting other countries and multiple wildfires that took a major toll on my homestate. One fire in particular that threatened the home of my dad, step mom and where my sister was living, drew my attention for weeks. Thankfully them, the house and their area remained safe.

As political issues arose here which created tension and conflict, so did it in the U.S. and other countries.

Since I follow multiple global news media outlets, I was kept abreast of the increasing issues in not only my home country but many others. Some mirroring what was occurring in the states like police brutality, riots, authoritarian tendencies among its leaders.

I awaited with bated breath for the U.S. elections results along with much of the world.

At least for that moment, I, like many others, allowed a heavy sigh of relief when the final result was announced.

One silver lining I could find in an otherwise shity year.

Take all that aside, what else did I manage to accomplish with limited movement, limited funds, and limited access...

My freelance work dried up to nada so I put back my energy to the things I could do.

I studied a bit more of Korean.

Started vlogging again.

Submitted more of my photography into contests which garnered a few live digital exhibitions in a few galleries in different countries.

Began drawing and painting after so many years.

Delved into more current events and became more connected and acquainted with other foreign news outlets that far exceeded the quality of many of my country's national news outlets. (This came from my growing disappointment at how my country's news outlets covered the Taal eruption and the pandemic early on)

Got rid of more of my things and organized what will stay here and what I'm taking with me to the states.

Cooked and baked more and added newly learned menus into my forte.

Found joy and comfort in walking for miles in extremely hot weather.

Kdrama and Cdrama binged watched like never before.

There are of course many more things I didn't accomplish that I would have liked to but either couldn't do or couldn't bring myself to bother to do.

Travel. Cuz pandemic guidelines and pera.

Move. Cuz pandemic, and my home city is doing a piss poor job in dealing with it so we're stuck here where I'm not legally allowed to obtain work until my country and the rest of the world minus a few exceptions (I.e. Taiwan, New Zealand, etc) get their shit together.

Get new job. See above.

Lose weight. Cuz I ate through our pandemic food supply like a starved hippo, baked my fat ass to oblivion, and decided to wait until the possible apocalypse happens before I bother to put any effort into excercise. Cuz if the world's gonna end and the choice is between cookies and ab crunches...I'm gonna choose cookies. And ice cream. And cake. And garlic buttered chicken. Might as well go with a BIG FAT BANG and a smile on my face.

Now 2020 is finally coming to an end.

The world with it. A few hours will tell.

But if 2021 manages to happen in two hours and we're all still alive I'm going into the new year with cautious anticipation.

Do I think that everything will suddenly come up roses once the clock strikes 12?

I'm not delusional.

We're still deeply into a dangerous and deadly pandemic now with a mutated version slowly making its rounds across the globe. Millions are still in hospitals with covid. Millions are jobless. Millions are homeless. Millions have lost that and more.

Sure we have a vaccine but with knowing that less than half the world will have access or being willing participants...it most likely will have little effect on the outcome.

Our politicians and governments are inept, corrupt, greedy, insane, just plain stupid to see any real change any time soon. Significant change takes time and a cohesive willingness to make those changes.

Still awaiting for the inauguration of my country's new president or the fall of its democracy once and for all this coming January. Frankly could go either way the way it's been going over there.

As for me and my plans for 2021.

Try to make the plans I made in 2020 happen.

Again I say this with hesitant confidence that I can make it happen. Frankly life has a way of turning those plans into merely contrived goals on a useless resolution.

I meet this new year with hope but prepared for whatever may come be it good or bad.

There's no use to be anxious about not being able to accomplish a list of goals I may have if life has other plans.

I can just call it detours.

Eventually I know whatever goals I want to accomplish, one way or another depending on my willingness to make it happen even if it doesn't meet a set timeline, I'll get it done.

If it takes me as long as it took me to finally graduate college or longer to check off those goals then so be it as long as I manage to find some little moments of happiness and snippets of accomplishments along the way.

Here's to 2021 being an improvement over the last.

May everyone (minus a few people I think of with detestation) have a Happy, healthy, safe, prosperous New Year.

May the world be allowed to heal.

May this pandemic go away.

May the year 2020 go frak itself.

#new year #new years resolution #life goals #life #goals #2020 #fuck 2020 #2021goals

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peace-coast-island · 4 years ago

Text

Diary of a Junebug

Banana leaves and olive branches

Bananas, bananas, and more bananas! The streets of Sapling City have been bustling with activity all weekend as the annual Gone Bananas Market takes over town square by storm. Fellow campers like Nana and Cashmere have their own stands full of banana treats for all to enjoy!

Along with trying all the goodies and helping campers set up, Daisy Jane and I also met up with some old friends. Lotte's back at the market with her fried bananas and that's not all. I was surprised to see her brothers tag along - other than Mitch, I didn't expect to see Adam and an even bigger surprise, Gene.

It's interesting seeing the dynamics of the Clementine siblings. Adam's the authoritative one, a natural leader who knows how to command. He's a lot like his dad, a hard worker who people turn to when they need help. Despite the large age differences - six and a half between him and Mitch, twelve and a half between him and Lotte and Gene - they're all super close. He left Sapling City to travel the world so that's what he's been doing. Since Gene patched things up with their dad in a long overdue reconciliation months ago, Adam's been visiting home more often.

Mitch is what you'd call a gentle giant. He towers over pretty much everyone and he's got a big heart. He's also the mediator of the family, the one who tries to keep the peace but ends up getting strung along his younger siblings's antics. Mitch is also great with plants and animals - I swear he must have some sort of secret power that allows him to communicate with other creatures as he always seems to know exactly what they need.

Then there's Lotte, the only woman in the house. She pretty much has her family wrapped around her finger, whether they want to admit it or not. Lotte is the go-getter of the family, always trying out something new and stringing her brothers along. For almost a decade now Lotte's been running a fried banana stand on and off at the Gone Bananas Market, an old recipe from her mom's family. After Adam moved out, Lotte took on the reins as the leader with Mitch as her partner in crime.

Gene's the one I know the least about. He's the youngest by fifteen minutes, described as a firecracker and a tornado by Mitch and Lotte respectively. The oldest and youngest tend to butt heads often while the middles end up getting caught up in his schemes. He was also known for his high spirits, at least before it was broken by unfortunate circumstances.

Basically, a long time ago an old ex acquaintance of their dad's came to visit. Acquaintance was known to be highly critical and had a bad influence on old Clem, who convinced him that Gene, and to an extent Lotte, were bad seeds because of their mom. Gene, being the troublemaker and baby of the family, was being unfairly punished and criticized for everything. It didn't help that the acquaintance's son manipulated things to make Gene look worse, causing Clem to go in harder on his son despite his misgivings.

Eventually it got to the point where Gene was broken by his dad's harsh treatment and became a shell of what he was. Things were so bad that a couple of Clem's friends threatened to bring a social worker in because they were concerned about Gene, which was enough of a wake up call for him because, yikes. However by then, the damage was already done. Gene wouldn't acknowledge his father and Clem gave up, afraid that by pushing too hard he might worsen things. Adam, Mitch, and Lotte tried to help but that didn't work. As soon as he finished high school Gene took off and no one heard from him for over a year.

Lotte was the first who regained contact with him. He'd been working odd jobs to earn money for college and needed help on adulting stuff. So they went back and forth for a while with Lotte trying to figure out what's going on and Gene going on about random happenings. Eventually he agreed to bring in Mitch and Adam into the loop, with Adam helping him with college applications while Mitch sent him care packages.

As time went on, Gene began keeping in contact on a semi-regular basis. He still wasn't ready to go back home and forgive Clem but he admitted to missing his siblings. To everyone's surprise he graduated summa cum laude and later went on to get a master's. He also went to therapy, which helped him unpack a lot of issues. At this point he still hasn't forgiven his dad completely but he's willing to work things out and move on.

So about six months ago Gene made a visit to Sapling City to finally put the past to rest. Since then he's been visiting home on a regular basis, catching up with his siblings and old friends. He and Clem still have a lot to work out so they're making progress on that. Lotte always spoke fondly of her brother and I can see how much she has brightened up since his return. It's great to finally meet him and see all the Clementine siblings together at last.

Lotte's fried bananas are a special treat. Sweet bananas or plantains fried to perfection with a crispy batter - these bring me back to my childhood! I remember watching relatives making them during cookouts, the time when deep fryers are put to good use for those and egg rolls, another cookout favorite. Though as I got older fried bananas got phased out for something healthier. Sometimes when I go shopping with my mom at one of those small Asian stores she'd buy some fried bananas, but most of the time they aren't fresh so they end up being disappointing.

When was the last time I had a fried banana? It's been a long while! Too bad Lotte doesn't sell these all year round - she probably can but she doesn't have the time and energy for that. And besides, the bananas are best when they're fresh out of the fryer so unless it's a busy day like today, the food's gonna get cold and stale.

As expected, Lotte's banana stand was busy. Lotte and Gene do the cooking, Adam's the cashier, and Mitch brings in supplies while providing an extra hand when needed. This is the first time in three years since Lotte ran the stand so she's a bit rusty and needs all the help she can get. Grad school's been keeping her busy so that's why she wasn't able to attend the market for a couple years. With how popular the stand has gotten over the years, it was getting to the point where Lotte and Mitch can't keep up with the demand themselves. Now they have two volunteers to keep things moving smoothly and it worked out really well - though we're not sure if Adam and Gene are willing to help out next year and as much fun as they were having, I can't blame them because it's a lot of work and they're busy with other stuff.

Around late afternoon Clem and his friends dropped by to see how things are going. They were all chatting and joking around as usual. It was interesting seeing how Gene interacted with everyone - with his siblings he was open and playful, with family friends he was cordial, and with his father he was polite but kept his distance. From what Lotte said, Gene wants to forgive but he can't let himself get hurt again. At least with time, distance, and therapy, he's ready to hand out an olive branch.

I hope things work out between them. Clem's always been a nice guy but he definitely fucked up with how he treated Gene. The guilt weighed heavily on him so much, which was why the others held off on telling him about Gene's whereabouts for a long time. As much as Lotte and Mitch look up to their dad, they can't really forgive him for driving Gene away and I don't blame them.

From Cashmere's peanut butter and jelly banana bread to Nana's chocolate covered banana pops, there seems to be an endless amount of possibilities of what we can do with bananas! I also ended up buying a bunch of bananas and plantains because it's fresh and local, so I want to support them. Thanks to the various food stands, I have a lot of ideas for what we can make with bananas. Maybe I'll try to make fried bananas one day!

#animal crossing #animal crossing pocket camp #Diary of a Junebug #headcanon ramble

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