#also personal trauma dump bonus

[eresia-catara]

I really want to make a cavalghieri au where they time travel to our day and guido ends up in a therapist's studio. Fucker needs to be Unpacked.

[dross-the-fish]

I kinda wanna ask what would Adam think of monster high (maybe more specifically about Frankie, as a person, character, both options are interesting) but I also get that wasn't something you were super invested in so maybe that's a tough question to answer 🤔

(yeah, sorry this is a very goofy)

I don't know a whole lot about monster high, what I do know comes from my youngest sibling who really loves them. I feel like if I had been born around the right time I'd have been into them because they are very fun and I love the concept of them.

I see Adam, if he were in a modern setting and seeing these dolls for the first time, kind of enjoying them. He'd appreciate that the world is becoming more accepting of monsters and even to a point embracing them.

As far as Frankie Stein the character goes, I feel like if somehow or another Adam did have a kid that was a homunculus like him he'd probably be very protective of them, maybe to the point of sheltering them too much.

Unfortunately I don't see him being a great parent, I forsee him having very little sense of how a parent/child dynamic functions and a tendency to trauma dump or use his kid as an emotional crutch.

Sorry I don't have a whole lot more for you but here is some art of Frankie I made a while back for my younger sister.

Bonus, my one and only monster high doll. A gift from a friend who won her in a raffle. She's themed off of the creature from the black lagoon and I adore her. She hangs out with the rest of my collection of things I like.

[transmutationisms]

is it unfair for me to hold anger at individuals, or criticize individuals, if covid minimization is not the result of individualized choices but mass messaging and systems at work? im not really sure what to say to leftists who ive spoonfed information who have still decided to “move on” from it, including in their activism. on one hand i understand how they got here, on the other it feels like theyre enacting violence, in the same vein as like misgendering or supporting “blue lives matter” but with the added bonus of them maybe also harming someone directly by refusal to do infection control. i really need to shift my perspective away from a heavily trauma-informed one and start living in the real world where i cant expect anyone to advocate for me, and have to find more systems-based ways to advocate for myself, and releasing some of that anger might need to be a part of moving on from that pov, but a lot of that trauma *is* individualized and resulted from the way people have responded to me, which varies from lukewarm apathy to actively telling me my life isnt worth anything to them. at the same time, it’s impossible for me to feel like i’m not the one in the wrong, when it’s very few people left who care about any of this. sorry for dumping this on *you*, im aware you’re some guy online, but the only ppl i see who still talk about covid are ppl in the same situation as me and are too close to it to assess, or think about it purely on an individual level

i don't think there's anything wrong, bad, or unfair about feeling this type of anger or betrayal. i just also think that this is one of those situations where a (completely understandable) emotional reaction does not form the basis of an effective political platform. both of these things can be true at once; your ethical considerations when navigating interpersonal relationships are not the same as the ethical considerations for someone who wants to style themselves a public health communicator. in an epidemiological sense, a person who reluctantly masks because orgs and public spaces have mask mandates is accomplishing the same thing, materially, as a person who happily masks because they care about their disabled comrades. in that sense there's no need for a public health strategy to focus on 'changing minds' and doing so often just makes people dig in their heels more. but, on a personal level, of course it matters to you whether someone actually cares for you and protects you voluntarily! figuring out how to interact with people in your own life is just not the same as figuring out the most effective mass communication and public policy strategies; what irritates me about many of the twitter-sphere covid communicators is the elision between these two things. having said that, if i can just soapbox for a second:

i try to give these people the benefit of the doubt; i do think many of them mean well and think they are doing what's right. however, the strategy that many of them have coalesced around seems to go something like this: assume that others are not covid-cautious because they are insufficiently frightened; assume this is a failure of individual intelligence-slash-awareness; using the same datasets as the applicable public health agency, interpret all data with any number of assumptions, predictions, and modelling heuristics built in; generate very terrifying infographic, post it, and wring hands when doing so doesn't change anyone's behaviour or state policy.

even in the best of cases i simply think this is ineffective; i would say public attitudes about the seriousness of covid are much more a result of state and public health inaction, ambivalence, and denialism than they are a cause. additionally, interpreting data and making predictions based on them is woolly, and a lack of transparency about their methodology, plus the overconfident desire to present themselves as authorities on the internet, means that this strategy can and does end up producing its own distortions. see, for example, recent 'med twitter' claims that "covid is airborne aids", an attempt to scare people into taking it more seriously that relies on poor and overconfident interpretations of current immunological knowledge; that ends up distorting what we do actually know about covid and the immune system (which is already fucking scary! no lies needed!); and which, as far as i can tell, actually started picking up steam in early 2020 as a right-wing conspiracy theory centred around the claims of dr (not an md) leonard g. horowitz, who argues that covid is a laboratory-engineered virus and uses it in his efforts to sell "resonating silver hydrosol" supplements to you (and your pets!) as "an effective alternative to risky vaccinations and deadly antibiotics".

getting into bed with these people is patently dangerous for obvious reasons. i really do not blame people who are trying to find reliable covid information, and are rightfully wary of state and official sources that have been downplaying this virus for its entire existence, for getting sucked in by twitter doctors when those people are often the only ones who seem to be both posting statistics and taking the virus seriously. however, what i have observed leads me to believe that, firstly, many of these people are motivated by a desire for renown and fame as much as by altruism (welcome to social media). secondly, virtually all of them are fundamentally very liberal in their politics, and this shows in the way they interpret the current state of affairs as a result of individual actions and psychological failures, rather than capitalist policy. this is absurd and leads to absolutely pointless (if not often counterproductive) narrativisation of political action as some kind of magical field where everybody just needs to change their minds and believe in the correct things really hard and then things will change: it's the liberal democratic fantasy that aggregated attitudes create policy out of thin air, no organisation or class analysis or principled communism necessary.

thirdly, a multitude of factors (incl. the paywalling and gatekeeping of knowledge) means that, although state and official interpretations of their datasets are often misleading or outright dishonest because they want to minimise risk, too often the self-styled 'covid communicators' online are not a solution to this and are prone to their own fallacious assumptions, conspiratorial thinking (see again: understanding politics as the product of many individuals believing something really hard, with no analysis of structural factors), poor data analysis, issues with comprehensive data collection in the first place (same as state sources. because they are usually using the same datasets), and a particular rhetorical emphasis on "listening to the science" that often manifests practically as a failure to actually engage with scientific methodology or to questionor improve it where it is lacking, incomplete, or bias-reproducing.

so. these are my issues with the state of covid communication; to me the question of how to navigate interpersonal relationships with people who don't value your life enough to protect it is just very different and the emotional engagement there is also quite different.

[thecircularsystem]

Take 2: Take on Sysmed

I wrote up an entire post (well, half of a post, but it was already over 1k words) on this topic, but that isn't going to be seeing the light of day. Off to the private blog it goes.

Take two. Sorry if my words are a bit disorganized; this is a really... really personal topic for me, and to see it brought up as it is has been hard. I need to get some sort of words out there or I think I'll go insane.

Genuine TL;DR: I used to go by the label pro-endo sysmed. It was stupid, but there were a lot of reasons -- the biggest because I needed to claim some sort of control over the fact that everyone hated me, and at least if I was a bigot, it gave them a reason to hate me. I discuss my experience with kink at pride discourse and how gentle teaching changed my perspectives, but "treating the bigot like the bigot they were" was just triggering and didn't help at all. Lastly, I talk about shame and how the term "sysmed" is largely (if it's ever really used for "activism" at all) attempting to teach through shame, which isn't effective. There's also a bonus screenshot at the end of the spark of this discussion from discord.

Not very long ago, though it feels like eons now, I identified "proudly" as a pro-endo sysmed. I recall saying some bullshit about how it was "reclaiming an insult that was used against me," but I was in denial. Hardcore, heavily traumatized denial.

I was just trying to claim the ostracization as something that was my choice, instead of everyone else's.

It was prideful, foolish, and hurtful, and I still stay up at night thinking about how fucking stupid I was. I've had to do a lot of therapy to look at my younger self and not hate him for who I am now, but moreso, who I was then.

Because with everything in my life, it was what I needed. It was all I had.

...

When I first returned to the pro-endo community, I was met completely with scorn, hatred, and distrust. It's hard to sort out the memories now -- more and more signs that it was heavily traumatic for me -- but I remember a little. "The Respectability Politics Syscourser" who sucked anti-endo dick and licked their boots, apparently. I'm sorry that the first person who validated my struggles -- who treated me like a disordered system in need of medical help -- was an anti-endo. I didn't agree with his beliefs. Not at all! I fucking hated him, honestly, I felt disgusted at having to "play along with the enemy."

I even joined a server, which I later called home and formed an (unhealthy) attachment to, just to "speedrun getting banned" from an anti-endo server. I did this more than once.

I was pro-endo, through and through. And yet...

I was frequently met with the term sysmed, online, despite my pro-endo beliefs. I was harassed for being friends with anti-endos, because "they're the bad guys." I was told that I needed to "look to myself for why I was being harassed" when I explained to a user, with screenshots, exactly who was harassing me and what had been said (slurs and suicide bait, 17 times in a row iirc, across a single day). I was told repeatedly that it was what would happen, since I allowed anti-endos to interact with me, because once an anti-endo, always an anti-endo.

Once a bigot, always a bigot.

...

Each time it happened, I was brought back to my middle and high school years. Literally -- flashbacks are a bitch.

I was raised a Republican. I finally, finally changed my voter registration this year, after being forced into selecting R as a child. I was raised racist, homophobic, transphobic -- any form of bigotry, and I probably was raised with it. I went into detail in my first draft, but genuinely... I don't even know how worth it it is to try to explain to you all how absolutely alienating it is to be everything you were raised to despise, fear, and pray for salvation for.

And the online community didn't fucking make that easier. (In all honesty, neither did the offline communities I was in, but again, the trauma dumping needs to be held back with a goddamn knife at this point).

When I first started saying my opinions online, I received harassment for my bigotry. "STFU Terf." "Christians DNI get the fuck off my post." Nothing as horrific as what I've experienced in my time as a syscourser, but I witnessed far, far worse from far more outspoken individuals. I didn't say much about my bigotry online, as I had already learned, by that point, that every single word out of my mouth was clearly the wrong words, and that I was just a stupid, horrible person for ever believing anything.

And online spaces reinforced these disordered beliefs.

I think the example that stands out the most (and forgive the 18+ content here, but this goes on the main blog for once, I just need this out-) was when I got into Kink at Pride discourse. I was horrified by the idea of kink at pride, as someone who experienced absolutely horrific abuse from kink shit. I couldn't imagine someone in a leather mask at pride because of my trauma. I couldn't... Ah, knife point again, trauma dumping.

Anyways. I went on an entire rant online about it. About how people have triggers, etc etc.

I was met with slurs, harassment, and people spamming my DMs so much with explicit BDSM that I still, to this day, struggle to DM over tumblr with anyone other than my now spouse.

So I went to my friends, complaining about it. Because this just reinforced my beliefs. This reinforced for me that KAP was a bad idea, because all the people who believed it insulted me, harassed me, and triggered me. Clearly, they're the bad guys, right?

I am still so, so grateful for the friend I had at the time who (incredibly gently, incredibly carefully, understanding before I even did just how traumatized I was) explained how kink belonged at pride, and the historical precedent for it, and everything. And I think the most important thing out of that conversation was where they said it's okay that I was wrong.

IT'S OKAY THAT I WAS WRONG.

Just thinking about that moment makes me cry again. It was okay to be wrong. It was safe to be -- yes -- the bigot in the situation. Because I was! I can recognize that now! But at the time, all I could realize by the end of the conversation was that I had been wrong, and it was absolutely fucking shit-myself-levels of terrifying.

Being wrong isn't safe. Being wrong means I deserved it.

I deserved the harassment. I deserved the hatred. I deserved the pain, and misery, and I deserved the triggers that fed on my SA, and I deserved to be punished.

Because I was a bigot.

But they showed me I didn't deserve pain and insults and hatred just because I didn't know. Just because I couldn't know, until someone taught me the way I needed to be taught.

They took the time to figure out how to tell me the information -- which strangers online had not done -- and they gave me what I needed. They didn't insult me. They didn't fucking crucify me for what I had said.

They weren't polite or sugarcoating, either. They were gentle, but blunt. Firm and kind.

And, because of that, overnight I became less homophobic and less transphobic. I made public posts about it. I was thrilled, at the time, when even a single ounce of praise came down the anonymous inbox.

"I'm glad you're not a stupid bigot anymore."

...

I look at syscourse in the tags.

"I'm not here to make bigots comfortable."

Cool. They'll keep being bigots then.

"I shouldn't have to be polite to people who don't believe in my existence!"

Cool. They'll keep being bigots then.

"If you support sysmeds, you're supporting sysmed rhetoric. If you let one Nazi at the bar, it's a Nazi bar."

Cool antisemitism. They'll keep being bigots then.

If all of your activism for plural rights begins and ends at the word sysmed, you aren't doing anything to combat sysmedical beliefs. You're just keeping the bigots angry.

...

Not long ago, I used the term sysmed for myself. I still look back with disgust at my prior self, and force myself to love him for what he survived, how he did it, even if it was "wrong." Even if we're still "the bad guy" because we love our past self, because we fought to survive and change. Because we had once been bigoted, but we didn't hold that against us.

I still look back at messages sent in a plural server I'm in about how "I honestly both wanna try to figure out what makes them tick and also wanna run in the opposite direction of them" and how they would like to preemptively kick me from their server since I was "so confusing." I doubt that individual remembers saying it, and I don't hold it against them. I would be uncomfortable around me too.

I just also have my own shoes to wear, and my own perspective to see, and looking back now, I know why I used that term. It wasn't... fucking reclaiming, or whatever I said to myself to live in mental health hell denial for a little bit longer.

It was so that, since nobody gave a single fucking shit about me, at least I knew the reason why.

Because I was a bigot. And I deserved every ounce of hate I got.

Right?

...

So, my thoughts on sysmed, and hopefully this'll be the last time I mention this.

The term, as it is used currently in the community, forces those with bigoted mentalities -- mentalities they may or may not even be aware of being bigoted -- to remain bigoted. It slots people into The Bad Guy role effortlessly, allowing people to dehumanize bigotry when the source of bigotry is how people treat others. Dehumanizing bigotry only encourages the spread of it.

I think there are times in discussions where it's used properly. I've seen sysmed used to genuinely discuss an individual's beliefs and how they were, specifically, medicalizing all of the varied forms of systemhood/plurality/multiplicity, and how that was wrong. It's so, so rarely, but I've seen it. I've even used the term in discussion before, though sparingly, as I rarely find use for it in discussion.

But 99.99 times out of 100, it is used to insult someone else.

...

I'm a teacher. I don't know about you, but I never learned -- and I absolutely do not fucking teach -- through shame.

And the term sysmed only shames people into doing what you want them to.

If you want people to learn -- to grow -- then you have to fucking work for it. Not rely on a catchy term.

...

(Below, I'm going to include a screenshot from a discussion I had about this in another server. For context, I had just said that I also feel a lot of discomfort for the terms TERF and transmed. I couldn't find a good way to squeeze in this part of the discussion, so have a bonus.)

[mimallah]

Well it's here

Are you ready for it

The Nathan Essay (and a Bonus Theory)

CW: Child Abuse/Neglect, SA/CSA, Beastiality (because Matt n Trey are losers who think those jokes are funny), substance abuse by minors, ableism

Nathan is a minor antagonist within South Park, his first appearance was the Season 8 (2004) episode 'Up the Down Steroid', his role was minor but kickstarted the main plot, Jimmy abusing steroids that he bought from Nathan to get ahead in competition. From here, he's appeared with a connection to the main plot 8 more times, and once within the game The Fractured But Whole, as a minor antagonist in the Bring the Crunch DLC. His next appearance was 'Crippled Summer', an episode from Season 14 (2010), 6 years since his original debut. His personality had shifted a bit from UTDS, going from soft spoken and laid back yet shifty, to angry, loud, demanding, and psychopathic. Reasons for this behavior wouldn't be presented until the Season 18 (2014) episode 'Handicar', and only 2 minutes at the end cover it. Despite this lack of screentime, and the years between development in his character, he is one of the more complex and realistically tragic characters within the show. In this writing, events that lead and build to his development will be laid out and analyzed. At the end a bonus, less realistic, theory will be explored about an issue within 'Crippled Summer'.

Trauma, and the Result.

Traumatic events aren't a uncommon experience in this show, in fact they're often used just as a joke, a lot of Nathan's own trauma is just an in-joke for the audience to laugh at. The bulk of on screen trauma happens within 'Crippled Summer', showcasing Nathan being shot multiple times all over with arrows twice, bitten by a black mamba (in the middle of the woods where help would most likely take over an hour to get to him), blown up with a pound of C4, and finally, the distasteful start to a long running, horrofic joke with the character, being sexually assaulted twice by a shark. Even though all of this is played as a joke for the audience to laugh at (and they REALY think Nathan being SA'd, espcally by animals, is funny. It happens in the back of Mimsy's Phone Destroyer card too.), it's still, plain and simple,*trauma*. It is revealed later within 'Handicar', that his parents just...don't love him. There's no care for him within them. Sure, his mom kisses him on the head and calls him sweetie, but it's immediately turned around when he begs not to go to Summer camp that year (wonder why he wouldn't want to go back to camp...) and she claims she "can't understand him." She continues to ignore him the entire scene even as he grows more and more frustrated, eventually turning off the lamp on his nightstand despite his protest and leaves, and when she leaves she LOCKS the door behind her. Locks Nathan in his room. He can be heard falling and screaming in pain after, and continuing to yell for his friend Mimsy and run into things behind the conversation his mother has with his father:

___

Nathan's dad

What's he saying?

Nathan's mom

That he doesn't wanna go to summer camp this year, but I'll be damned if he's gonna ruin our Italy trip.

Nathan's dad

Right.

___

So she can understand him, she just chooses to pretend she can't because she doesn't WANT to listen. She doesn't love him, she would rather dump him off at a Summer camp and take her own trip because she believes he'll ruin it. They don't even acknowledge when he gets hurt and is screaming in pain, they just walk off. There's no love for him there, even in this single, 2 minute scene. 'Handicar' is also home to another SA scene used as a joke against Nathan, including him doing a "wacky" quip about "and I thought a shark was bad". He is also laughed at about the shark incident in this episode by Mimsy, the only friend he seems to have. Throughout the episode, Mimsy brings up Nathan just talking to his parents, and it's been established what happens when he does,so he shuts it down every time. 'Handicar' is just about a hurt, traumatized child trying to get away from a camp full of painful memories, only to get more hurt in the process...and to go home and recieve more neglect.

Nathan's response to the trauma he has experienced is, like the trauma itself, played as a joke. He hits people, he's angry all the time, he screams and yells and gets violent. He is SO HURT, he only knows HOW TO HURT BACK. In recent appearances, he's taken to usual vices. Substance abuse in the child characters in this show isn't uncommon. In fact, sometimes it's handled pretty well. Stan's alcoholism is played relatively straight, the tone remaining cold and somber for most of the scenes and even when played as a "joke" it maintains a serious, heavy air. Tweek is canonically addicted to meth without even knowing it, being made to work within his parents coffee shop, the parents lacing the coffee with meth to get people addicted and coming back. Tweek drinks this when his parents make him "taste test" it, and it has been shown that they keep him steady on it, obviously not wanting him to go into withdrawals.

Within Basic Cable, Nathan accepts Scott Malkinson's insulin as a trade for a Dosney+ account, using it himself before he handed over the account information. In the most recent special, 'Not Suitable for Children', he is shown smoking. His coping has gotten more unsafe and unhealthy.

Nathan and Friend(s)

Within South Park, characters tend to be broken off into groups of friends. The main five, Craig's gang, the Goth Kids, the Girls, all examples. There's also the Spec Ed Kids, though that is more a distinction of characters in a second class. Timmy and Jimmy are in this group, but are also within Craig's gang. Nathan's status within friend groups is..nonexistent. He's pretty much alone. He has Mimsy, and Frances is friendly towards him on occasion, but overall, he's alone. He hasn't even hung out with Mimsy since the Season 21 (2017) episode Moss Piglets. Likely, he is ostracized for his violent outbursts linked to his trauma. No one wants to hang out with the kid that hits and yells, who would? It's this reason, I feel, that Nathan IS so jealous of Jimmy. He's one of the popular kids, he's loved and friends with everyone. He has everything Nathan doesn't. Jimmy's parents are. Messy. Ableist at worst...but they still love him. They still care for him and his safety. At least more than Nathan's own. Jimmy has everything to Nathan, and he is so hurt and jealous. Everything Nathan does is for attention, because he has nothing. He wants to win the science fair because he wants people to pay attention to him, he WANTS to win the camp competition despite how much he hates camp because he gets to perform a song if he does and then people will be PAYING ATTENTION TO HIM. That's all he wants. That's why he's continued his original gimmick of being a dealer despite how many episodes center around him just being Jimmy's antagonist. If he's the guy that has anything you need or want, then he'll get attention. He'll be needed.

Nathan isn't the most tragic, yes, but he's up there for me, his whole existence built up on cries for attention and a want to belong. A character build on failures and traumas no one, especially not a child, should endure, just because it's "funny". Maybe one day we'll see him get his redemption arc, get friends and help. Get love.

BONUS: Cthulhu Theory

This is just a fun bonus because I don't really know where to put it, but I have a theory/headcanon that I enjoy thinking about a lot based on the impossibility of Crippled Summer.

South Park doesn't really shy away from killing characters off, they do it pretty often and pretty brutally. Even long running staple characters like Miss Crabtree and Chef weren't safe from being brutally murdered. So why is it that Nathan went through everything from being shot to crushed in 'Crippled Summer'?

I believe and theorize he's also cursed by Cthulhu like Kenny, unable to die permanently. He took several fatal injuries throughout the entire episode and just...walked em off immediately! Not to mention the episode ends with him being exploded by a POUND of C4, bit by a black mamba (which if not treated right away has a literally 100% fatality rate, and then a rapid fire of every other injury he got that episode repeated (Yes. Including the shark.). He should be dead, yet, he came back, for 6 more episodes and counting. I believe wholeheartedly he is also under Cthulhu's immortality curse, affecting him differently than Kenny. Personal headcanon being that since Kenny's parents just randomly stumbled into the ritual his curse requires a full death to be revived, whereas I headcanon Nathan's parents actually did a ritual as a joke leading to Nathan being just unable to die even temporarily.

******

Thank you so much for reading this far if you have, it means a lot to me and it's crazy that people would enjoy reading this, a 1.5k word ramble about an 8 episode background character XD tysm, I love you

[cru5h-cascades]

Outro: the End of the Lofi Bag Saga

After like 5 months of posting, the main story for the Lofi Bag AU has come to an end! To celebrate, I decided to make this lil' behind the scenes post thingy!

The Power of Asks

So when I made the intro post for the AU a few months ago, I mentioned that asks would have some sort of effect on the story. And they did! Also @ruinationz introducing her AU bag man into the AU ended up having an effect on the story as well. With that introduction in mind I had to adjust a few things (I'll get to that in a bit), with one of those things being how interactions with Reverse would affect the AU.

I had 3 endings in mind for the AU:

Good ending (the canon one) - Positive asks received by the musical bag man would positively affect him and he'd end up changing his life for the better. The downward spiral we see the canon bag man go down is averted AND the story gets an epilogue. That's right guys! There will be an epilogue! So it isn't completely joever for Lofi!

Neutral ending - If the musical bag man ended up getting little to no interactions of any kind then he'd kinda just stay how he was in the beginning.

Bad ending - Negative asks and/or Reverse attempting to kill Lofi would have ended up in Lofi going down a similar path to canon except instead of like killing he stalks specific people he sees down in the dumps, eventually gives them a plastic bag full of eggplant flowers (which are poisonous to humans if they eat them!) and, if that person doesn't end up killing themselves with said flowers, honeysuckle flowers. After that he stops stalking them. The specific condition of Reverse attempting to kill Lofi is hella random but those two are pretty damn close and you know Lofi has trauma from having to see both his sister drown and the woman he wanted to propose to get shot. Being almost killed by his closest friend would have definitely pushed him over the edge.

AU Crossovers

So like I mentioned beforehand, I had to adjust a few things due to the introduction of @ruinationz's Reverse Smileman. Also because I introduced the Doll Woman (from another Emio AU I have) I needed to figure out how to explain that cuz Reverse is also around.

Lofi's character is a combo between those posts from the fake Emio twitter account before the AI experiment reveal and of course canon so I didn't have to change too much for him. It was Felix that needed more changing if anything. I decided to not have any of his family members named so it isn't like somehow him and Reverse!Makoto have family members who so happen to have the same names and whatever. As for the Doll Woman in LB AU? Copycat. The Doll Woman in the LB AU faces similar issues to the actual one and is aware of the original Doll Woman and her crimes which did happen in this AU. LB AU Doll Woman (the copycat) is only starting off with her crimes against humanity (so she's like 25 in LB AU) and has a body count of two.

Epilogue and the Future of Lofi Bag

The epilogue will happen eventually (idk when but it'll be at some point in 2025 that's for sure). Asks won't have the likelihood of changing the ending after the end of the main story. Basically it's just Lofi talking about his new life now that he's moved out of Corrine's old apartment and has a job. Maybe he finds out about Reverse murkin' people idk depends on what Flippy wants to do (I'd imagine he'd find out after Reverse is sent to a mental facility) (this would probably be the only exception to the ask rule thing I mentioned before.) I might have like a few more tracks made for the epilogue but I'm still thinking about that. But one thing's for sure it won't be as traumatizing as Emio's bonus chapter lmfaooo

As for what will happen to the blog after the epilogue? I'll leave asks open over there if you guys want to send in anything but other than that I probably might not be posting as much over there. Like maybe every once and a while I'll post something like I do with Felix's posts but the plan is to slow things down a bit. If Flippy is still doing her Reverse Smileman blog then I'll do some interactions with that blog as Lofi too I guess.

Bonus Stuff

Lofi is supposed to be 28 years old in the AU (the concert incident happened when he was 25)

"So if Lofi had his name legally changed to Emio what's his last name?" Honestly I never thought of like an actual last name for him but he did have his last name changed as well. Jokingly I've been using Emio Brightside as his full name but that isn't his actual full name. Y'all can still call him that tho cause I mean come on it's funny.

"Why are the earliest posts in the blog kinda out of character? And what's up with the screaming audio thing?" For the most part I was trying to find my footing with Lofi in the earlier posts and try to figure out his character. As for the screaming track it was based off of that one twitter space from the fake twitter. Tbh idk why I posted that track multiple times but at least I stopped.

Even though I had to adjust a few things because of this, Flippy introducing Reverse into the AU was actually kinda beneficial for the AU! After the introduction, I had somebody other than myself to bounce ideas off of!

[biceratops7]

Izzy's redemption arc pisses me off the longer I think about it.

This is mean as fuck but he's a fake person with no feelings so I don't care. By the time it happened, I was lowkey taking Izzy's death as a consolation prize. MAN did his stupid friggin' arc suck so much fucking time away from things that were actually important, it makes me so mad. That screen time could've been dedicated to, hmm, I don't know... Ed actually bonding with and earning back trust of the crew in a real way, Stede and Ed having an actual adult conversation about their issues and anxieties instead of just smooching it all better, Zheng and Oluwande actually having chemistry, Lucius's trauma being actually addressed and taken seriously instead of everyone telling him to get over it, etc etc ect.

Not to mention that so many characters had to take a back seat or do backflips into wtf territory in order to make it believable. Um no, I didn't just have amnesia about the first season, these choices make no damn sense. Izzy feels like a black hole that just bent the characters around him to suit his progression, or just swallowed them whole. Ed is grappling with knowing his inner freedom and happiness comes at the direct cost of shedding the armor of Blackbeard, getting a taste of what he risks becoming truly vulnerable in his darkest moment? Nope, this is about Izzy now and how a suddenly cartoonishly violent Ed is so darn mean to him.

Stede is continuing his lessons into pirating. Oh great, more flirty bonding time for him and Ed, his lover and very capable teacher! Haha, no silly, Izzy does that now. Wee John pulls the most iconic bombshell drag look on the seven seas? Ooh this would be a perfect time to give him some much needed time to shine, and perhaps pull Frenchie in as his partner in camp crime seeing as they have a strong bond- oh wait never mind here come's Izzy. And as a bonus we get to see him insert himself into an incredibly intimate milestone of Ed and Stede's not once, but twice!

Stede is devastated and confused by Ed suddenly dumping him, so surely he should turn to... let's see, Oluwande, Lucius, or anyone who's actually been there for him in the past when everything was so new. OR we can go with the guy who tried to kill him because he made the mistake of making Ed one of those "namby pamby" gays falling in love with Ed. That's um... That's certainly also a choice...*dies*

[princess-of-the-corner]

how am I having more thoughts on the Cardcaptor!Katsuki thing?

Okay okay some plot notes:

I'm sticking this AU in a weird-ass place! During Katsuki and Izuku's last year of middle school!

So they're not in UA, but this is post-sludge villain so they're a bit weird, Kats is NOT dealing with the trauma well, and Izuku is still training with All Might.

This does mean they're not getting involved in the main plot of bnha yet, but they /can/ run into some characters on the adventures. (Maybe the Heroes are responding to the chaos the Cards make, maybe their future classmates are caught up in said chaos, hell you can toss a villain or two in because some of them might know things about the cards).

Also this is a CC-esque au so similar canon deviations exist. Like Katsuki being transfem but not actually out yet.

Card nonsense kicks off pretty early in.

So I'm imagining that Katsuki is having a Bad Time™ and just wants to be alone for a hot minute. Wanders off during the school day and ends up in some backrooms of the school library. Finds the book with the cards. All the cards except Firey excape(because this one vibes most with her). Kero appears and while Katsuki is like ?????? he gives the plot dump of 'hey! Magic is real! You're destined to deal with this shit!"

Izuku also gets involved because he noticed Katsuki sneaking off, followed like the little fuckin stalker he is, and saw the whole card scattering/Kero infodump thing.

Katsuki and Izuku are in a weird ass place right now because it's post-sludge but pre-ua. So Katsuki is trying to figure out what the fuck is up with Izuku and whether her life is a lie and all that but hasn't really had the push to confront all that. And at first she's pissed at Izuku but Kero is a decent mediator to this situation and it's. it's the first time any kind of adult(as much of an adult as a little cat bear thing is) has kinda. Taken control and firmly but kindly said 'hey knock that shit off' so it's easier for her to really just take a step back and take a breath and actually like. Properly be able to listen to Izuku because again: Kero is saying 'hey the guy was worried about you that's a good thing' instead of 'lmao he's worried about you he thinks you can't handle this show him you can through force!'.

bonus points for Katsuki getting dragged into Izuku's nonsense and finding out 'oh you met mcfucking ALL MIGHT and he's training you as a successor????'. Which. Yeah def spins everything because fuck it All Might is the ultimate authority on right and wrong so if All Might thinks Izuku is a good person worhty of respect Katsuki is switching it up right now. (and feeling guilty for everythig in the past so whoops more of Kero being like 'kid you're FINE!!)

Swinging over to Yue! I mentioned before but he was determined to handle the passing of the torch to a new holder better than the Clow-Sakura transfer he was going in optimistically but GOD he meets Katsuki and is like "THIS??? IS WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH???"

So like. He still does something similar to last time in hiding in plain sight to keep an eye on the new holder. I don't think he'll go full dual personality again because while I love Yukito that's A Lot. But also there's like.... There's not really anyone in Katsuki's life where he could slide in as a 'haha you're not going to question me being here!'.

Which leads to the idea of Yue basically faking being a teacher and is now on the Aldera staff but he's the only sane person in this place and is constantly on the verge of killing his coworkers because holy FUCK how do y'all treat children like this????

All Might gets dragged into this because Izuku has Katsuki meet him and tbh with Izuku helping Katsuki figure out the Card stuff they get into nonsense that's /technically/ vigilantism according to the law but Katsuki is the only one who can deal with the situation.

The actual collecting of the cards happens over that school years so Katsuki has all of them by the time she and Izuku go to UA (and also they're all a bit healthier about things both each other and themselves).

At UA, Katsuki initially tries to keep to just using her Quirk for this shit instead of the cards(though she's become used to using both in tandem). This only works so well beause ofc when bigger threats come out, she's not going to hold back out of some weird 'oh it's not fair to-' no people are in danger she's gonna use everything she has to save them.

So while we don't get someone Eriol-esque crafting situations, the Plot forces her to transform the Cards into her own versions.

[grailfinders]

Grailfinders #321: Kama (Avenger)

yep, we’re finally getting the second half of the summer done. Avenger Kama is an odd duck… er, parrot… but still, she’s the biggest departure from the original build we’ve done all Summer, going from a cleric/fighter to a Draconic Sorcerer and Genie Warlock- the former to give her some water manipulation tactics (or… ice, I guess. both of them are screwed over by WotC’s fire bias, but water even moreso), and the latter for a parrot you can stuff a person into. yes this is an important part of the build.

check out her build breakdown below the cut, or her character sheet over here!

next up: I sea serpent, I ride it

Ancestry & Background

incinerated gods still aren’t typical pcs in D&D, so I guess we’re going with Custom Lineage again. some things never change. this does a little though, since this time you get +2 Charisma instead of wisdom, and the Elemental Adept feat to bump up your cold damage- now your cold spells get at least a 2 on every damage die, and you ignore resistance to cold damage! water is a great insulator, so you really gotta give your spells some juice to punch through that. you still get Darkvision though, that’s not changing either.

speaking of not changing, as a Haunted One you have proficiency in Arcana and Survival. trauma is still trauma, even in the summer.

Ability Scores

this summer we’re going entirely on the offensive, so your Charisma has to be as high as possible. after that, your Dexterity- I’m not sure if you still do archery, but you can. plus you’re fighting in a bikini, so every little bit helps. third up, your Constitution. your bodily existence was already kind of weird, but now you’re an avenger, so your spirit origin is constantly repairing itself on top of being ash in the first place. makes it hard to stamp out your flames, y’know? after that, your Wisdom- it’s not great, but you’re generally good at spotting stuff, even if your insight’s crap. that means our Strength neutral, and we’re dumping Intelligence. it’s the traditional summer writing treatment, please understand.

Class Levels

1. Sorcerer 1: starting off as a sorcerer gives you proficiency in Constitution and Charisma saves, as well as Persuasion and Religion (that last one against your will). for the summer, not only are you half demon and half god, thanks to your Draconic Bloodline you’re also half dragon! you’re more chuuni than Jalter!

we’re picking either a white or silver dragon for your Draconic Ancestor. the color doesn’t quite matter, but either way it matches your hair! this also teaches you draconic (it’s a language), and your dragon-based charisma checks have doubled proficiency.

the more important feature this level is your Draconic Resilience- you get an extra 1 hp per sorcerer level, and while you’re not wearing armor your AC gets a +3 bonus. it’s free mage armor! it doesn’t quite make you a knight class, but you’re definitely better off than assassin you.

speaking of, we still have to talk spells! you cast them with charisma as you’d probably expect from the stat layout. we’ve still got some of your old tricks- Friends and Charm Person, but for summer we’re also grabbing Frostbite and Shape Water for some water Authority, as well as Message to chat with master via parrot, and Disguise Self for your constant outfit swaps at the end of the event.

2. sorcerer 2: at level two you become a font of magic! that means you get sorcery points every day equal to your sorcerer level. right now you can spend points to make new spell slots, and spend slots to make more points. it gets better later on, don’t worry.

you can also shoot birds at people thanks to maaagic missile. it makes missiles, but magic! they instantly hit any target, and though they don’t do a lotta damage, it’s guaranteed damage, which feels very avengery.

3. Sorcerer 3: at third level you can make jokes about how crap the writing in your universe is thanks to Metamagic! it also lets you alter spells you cast by spending sorcery points but w/e. Heightened spells force disadvantage on one target’s save for three points, while seeking spells let you re-roll an attack for two. hey, we’re going all out on the offensive, remember?

speaking of magic though, you learn second level spells this level like Tasha’s Mind Whip, which not only deals psychic damage to your enemy but also stuns them with your beauty if they fail an intelligence save- they can only move, make an action, or make a bonus action the turn after you hit them.

4. Sorcerer 4: there’s not really any other sorcerer cantrips we need, so this level grab Create Bonfire, I guess. despite the water and floaty theming, you do still pack some heat. you can also Alter Self now to go from smol kama to tol kama.

also your first Ability Score Improvement should go towards evening out your Constitution for more health and Charisma for stronger spells.

5. Sorcerer 5: fifth level sorcerers can use Magical Guidance to be even better at everything by spending sorcery points to reroll skill checks. you should probably stick to using this on stuff you’re good at- two insight checks are still more than likely to end up as two failures.

you also get third level spells, and Freedom of the Waves might be third party but it’s also on D&D Beyond? so… whatever, it’s here. it takes one action to cast and makes a 15’ radius 10’ tall cylinder of violent seawater somewhere within 120’ feat of you. each creature in the area makes a strength save or takes 2d8 bludgeoning damage and falls prone. you can even choose a couple creatures in the area to automatically make their saves against the spell, if you’re feeling generous. also, if you’re in the spell’s area, you can teleport to another spot in its area as you cast it. if you’re made of ash it just makes sense you’d be hard to pin down.

6. Sorcerer 6: sixth level white or silver draconic sorcerers have an Elemental Affinity for cold damage, adding their charisma modifier to spells that deal it. plus, whenever you splash someone with a cold spell, you can spend a sorcery point to gain resistance to cold damage.

speaking of spells, we’re grabbing the Haste spell this level. it’s mostly for your floaty later, but being able to run twice as fast is never a bad thing. unless you get stuck somewhere bad when the spell ends and lose a turn recuperating. honestly that kind of feels like your usual luck, huh?

7. Warlock 1: okay, we’re all set on water stuff for now, let’s get ourselves that parrot. to do that, we need to strike up a deal with a Genie, specifically a Marid for that extra watery flavor. kind of like a lacroix.

you get an expanded spell list based on your genie’s type, but we’ll only bring that up when its relevant. the big draw here is the Genie’s Vessel, a random tiny object that acts as your spellcasting focus. while touching the vessel, you can enter your Bottled Respite for a few hours once per long rest. right now it can only fit you, but eventually you can trap- I mean let- master into it as well.

you can also unleash the Genie’s Wrath once a turn, adding some cold damage to any attack roll you make, so now any spell with an attack roll technically deals cold damage as well, so you can add your affinity bonus too! loopholes are fun!

oh, speaking of, we still need spells (which also use your charisma but have a different kind of spell slot that recharges on short rests). Eldritch Blast is another bunch of birds to throw at people, but this one requires an attack roll to hit. hey, we just got something that requires attack rolls to add a ton of damage to a spell, what are the odds?

Green-Flame Blade isn’t as helpful since you need to make the attack yourself, but it can hit two creatures with it. I guess just slap someone upside the head with a chakram if you want to deal fire and cold damage at the same time.

to continue this duality of a fiery god in water, pick up Armor of Agathys and Hellish Rebuke to double down on retaliatory attacks- the former automatically deals cold damage every time you lose its temporary hp, and the latter uses your reaction to blast fire in someone’s face if they hit you with a melee attack. even your defense is offense now!

8. Warlock 2: second level warlocks get two Eldritch Invocations to personalize their summer memories, and for once we’re using both of them right away! Mask of Many Faces lets you cast Disguise Self for free for an unlimited wardrobe, while Devil’s Sight lets your darkvision see through magical darkness so your target cannot escape you.

you can also Distort Value, doubling or halving the effective worth of an item for a short while. you’re the demon of desire, it makes sense you can make stuff more or less desirable.

9. Warlock 3: at third level you finally land on a deal with your Marid buddy, sealing you into the Pact of the Chain. with it, you now get access to the Find Familiar spell, allowing you to summon a parrot to carry your vessel around for you.

you can also cast second level spells like Invisibility to completely let go of your corporeal form for a short while. (obv you can still get hit while invisible, but it’ll be a lot harder.)

10. Sorcerer 7: okay, that’s enough birding up for now, let’s get cooler. you know what’s cooler than being cool? Ice Storm! it makes a stormcloud that hails on people and deals bludgeoning and cold damage, plus it turns the area it hits into difficult terrain for a round. all of those are already things water does, so it’s not hard to reflavor it.

11. Sorcerer 8: Use this ASI to bump up your Dexterity, both for the higher AC and to hopefully hit something with your green-flame blade more often. you can also make a Watery Sphere now that can trap enemies inside of it on a failed strength save. then you can swing the ball around like a big yoyo. there technically isn’t any drawback to being in the sphere aside from the usual drowning, but that’s kind of up to the DM. it’s fun though!

12. Sorcerer 9: ninth level sorcerers get fifth level spells, our main pick here is Animate Objects. for once, your inflatable crocodile can actually be an inflatable crocodile! Unfortunately this uses your concentration, so we can’t haste it to jetski speeds just yet.

13. Warlock 4: use this ASI to max out your Charisma for the strongest spells possible- spells like your new ones this level, Minor Illusion and Enthrall. you’re very lou-I mean distracting, so this spell will give creatures disadvantage on perception checks to notice anyone else for the duration.

14. Warlock 5: fifth level warlocks get third level spells, usually, but instead we’re going for another 2nd level one. Blur from the Marid spell list is just relaxing your ashy body instead of letting it go completely, giving creatures attacking you disadvantage to hit.

you also get another invocation, and the Gift of the Depths is great for the summer- you can now breathe underwater for free, and you get a swim speed to boot! on top of that, you can help out the party and cast water breathing once a day for free.

15. Warlock 6: sixth level genielocks get an upgrade to the draconic elemental buffs, an Elemental Gift if you will, that gives you permanent resistance to cold damage. on top of that, you can give yourself ten minutes of flight speed as a bonus action proficiency times a day. now we don’t have to worry about making you actually ride on a parrot!

you also get more waterpower thanks to a Spirit Shroud. this causes water to swirl around your feet, slowing down nearby enemies and adding cold damage to your short-ranged attacks. you could also make it radiant or necrotic, but that’s not on theme dangit.

16. Warlock 7: seventh level warlocks get fourth level spells, and since you’re buddy-buddy with a Marid you can Control Water to control water. you can make it flood, part the water, splash it around, or even make a whirlpool! it lasts up to ten minutes and you can pick a different option every turn.

you also get another invocation- Bewitching Whispers is pretty old-school Kama, letting you cast Compulsion once a day for free. if the target of your affections fails their wisdom save, you can use your bonus action each turn to tell it which way to move. this might be taking the whole “puppets on strings” metaphor a little too literally, but it’s fun!

17. Warlock 8: use this ASI to bump up your Dexterity once more time for more graceful swimming, and also to get away from your new pool floaty. with Summon Greater Demon, you can bring a CR 5 or lower demon into the material plane for up to an hour. you can command it for free, but it has a chance to break out if it makes a charisma save. that being said, your charisma is maxed out, so the chances of that happening is low. as a plus, they linger around for a few rounds if you’re not concentrating on them while still having to obey your commands, so you can pop that balloon animal for a bit of haste in a pinch!

18. Warlock 9: Ninth level warlocks get fifth level spells, like your last Marid goody, Cone of Cold. it’s a cone of damage, it’s cold. you also have an Eldritch Mind now, so you have advantage on concentration saves. that’s very useful, given how many of your spells can be the only thing between you and a fight breaking out.

19. Warlock 10: tenth level genies have a Sanctuary Vessel, so you can finally drag master back to your parrot with you! unfortunately you can’t leave them in there, but that’s just a good excuse for some alone time. speaking of, you can get a short rest by spending ten minutes in there, with an additional amount of HP added if they spend that rest healing up.

you also get one last cantrip, so… Mage Hand? it’s basically another bird, why not.

20. Warlock 11: our final level of warlock finally nets you a whole new spell level thanks to the Mystic Arcanum letting you cast Tasha’s Otherworldly Guise once a day. and for once, we have a build that works just as well in either direction! if you let your Kama side show, you become immune to radiant and necrotic damage, as well as the charmed condition, while Mara will make you immune to fire and poison damage and the poisoned condition. either way, you also get a flying speed, and boost to your ac. you can make more weapon attacks too- all your weapon attacks now use your charisma, and you can attack twice an action! so, boom! godtier mode for the final fight achieved!

Pros & Cons

Pros:

water-based casters are great at crowd control, and it’s super easy for you to lock down or push away enemies and make fights easier for the rest of your party.

turning invisible already makes you plenty sneaky, but you can also listen in on conversations by hiding in your own vessel and having your familiar fly you around places. a bird carrying a lantern around would be weird, but most people wouldn’t think it’s a spy camera.

your elemental bonuses from your feats and both classes stack up very nicely, adding 11 points of irresistible damage to your magical attacks each turn, plus it works best on Eldritch Blast, which gives you multiple chances to hit with a maxed-out spellcasting modifier. you’ve got a ton of flashier options, but if you ever get tired of those, you’ve got a really solid plan to fall back on. (also secret fourth pro: you should never run out of flashy stuff to do bc you’re a sorcerer/warlock. turn your warlock slots into sorcery points, then turn the points into sorcerer slots. take a short rest to recharge, and you’ve got free spell slots!)

Cons:

those elemental bonuses I just talked about work together only on spells with attack rolls, which you have exactly one of. everything else is either an aoe spell, some kind of support spell, or one that relies on you making attack rolls. the combo’s nice, but you’re probably only going to see it when pushed to your limit anyway.

we really had to stretch to make that fast floaty happen, and I don’t think I need to tell most of you that playing with demons is a bad idea. or maybe I do, you’re reading a kama build after all. still, even with your maxed out charisma they always have a chance to turn on you, plus just trying to summon one requires you to kill a person beforehand, which comes with its own risks.

quite a few of your abilities are just plain redundant. Mask of Many faces is Disguise Self but over and over, blur and invisibility serve about the same purpose, half of your Elemental Gift is something we could already do with your Elemental Affinity, and so on. it’s not terrible, and it definitely gives the build a more cohesive feeling of getting better at a few particular things, but it’ll suck if you get stuck in a campaign with a bunch of cold-immune monsters.

[emotionallychargedtowel]

I’m seeing various reactions to the “spinoff” bonus episode of Bokura no Shokutaku/Our Dining Table and it made me want to write about how I see the episode as a very logical continuation of the two leads’ character arcs.

I’ll talk about Yutaka first because his explanation is a bit simpler, although the feelings involved are intense as hell. Yutaka is so afraid that he’ll lose the people he loves most that the fear can become a defeatist belief: “I will lose the people I love most.” I wrote about this in some of my posts about The Eighth Sense. Human beings have a capacity to believe distorted things after trauma and loss. Especially negative beliefs about ourselves or pessimistic beliefs about our prospects in life.

Yutaka doesn’t fully believe this all of the time. But I would expect, based on his experiences and the fears he showed in the last episode of the main series, that a fear of this sort gets activated in Yutaka sometimes. Sometimes fears show up as highly negative, maladaptive beliefs that we try to test and hope to disprove but continue to find compelling (I have an unfinished novel-length Utsukare post that gets into this idea more). So, yeah. Yutaka has been primed for this fear of abandonment for a very long time.

What about Minoru? He’s never been jealous before. But what was his biggest stumbling block in getting together with Yutaka? Internalized homophobia. And it didn’t magically disappear when they got together (though over time and under the right circumstances their relationship could play a part in helping him to heal from it).

When Minoru first kisses Yutaka, he assumes immediately afterward that it was unwelcome. It seems like anything short of Yutaka grabbing him and kissing him back enthusiastically right away was going to be interpreted as a rejection. He doesn’t ask Yutaka how he feels about him or if he's interested in a relationship when they meet at the cafe. It would have helped if Yutaka could have been more forthcoming that night. But Minoru basically rejects himself on Yutaka’s behalf without checking with him at all. And though Yutaka isn't clear about returning Minoru's feelings, he does give some subtle signals. And he definitely never says he doesn't return them. It’s absolutely heartrending to watch. Worse, Minoru doesn’t just assume Yutaka doesn’t return his feelings. He assumes that the kiss was upsetting to him and that Yutaka will never want him to touch him again.

Why does he do this? It’s never stated directly, but I think it’s pretty obvious that it’s because of internalized homophobia. Similar things happen in other BLs. Take Togawa’s abject apology after kissing Nozue in Old Fashion Cupcake, for example, which makes the internalized homophobia piece more explicit through his various references to what’s “common sense” or “normal.” Plenty of LGBT+ folks also have personal experience with this, of course. Internalized homophobia makes it seem as if our feelings, overtures, etc. are bound to be unwelcome and even repulsive to the other person. And this isn't just, like, irrational insecurity. Often it's informed by actual experiences with rejection that have the added knife-twist of expressing stigma or disgust. But you don't have to have gone through that kind of rejection to have a vivid mental image of what it would be like and to convince yourself it's likely to happen to you.

When Minoru sees Ohata’s text on Yutaka’s phone, there's a reason that the idea that Yutaka would two-time him with his coworker and eventually dump him for her seems likely. It's not because Minoru distrusts Yutaka. It's not because of anything about Ohata (well, not unless you count her gender). There may be some garden-variety insecurity at play, like thinking he won't be able to hold on to Yutaka because he isn't good enough or something. But the biggest factor, I'm pretty certain, is that same type of internalized homophobia. After hearing from Yutaka that he likes him back, wants to date him, wants to be with him forever and be a part of his family, after kissing each other and cuddling all night and whatever else has happened between them in the interim, it still seems plausible to him that Yutaka might split the moment he gets a chance to be with a woman. I don't know what's sadder, the fact that he feels this way and a lot of viewers will be able to relate, or the fact that he's not entirely unjustified because there are people who totally behave that way.

Add to all this the fact that just when each of them is feeling insecure in their particular way, the other one starts acting tweaky, and the misunderstanding makes a good bit of sense. I think for a lot of folks this aspect of the episode is uncomfortable. And that's just part of seeing this couple we've been rooting for have this rocky interaction on what ought to be a special day. But I also wonder if some of the bigger sources of pain that these fears touch on--fear of loss (with unresolved mourning for past losses) and internalized homophobia (with all of the deep-down self-hatred that implies)--come through in one way or another and are really hard to sit with.

But I think the fact that they are able to work through it matters. It shows that while these problems didn't go away just because they got together (which wouldn't be satisfying anyway because it would be unrealistic), but there is good reason to hope that they will get better if they keep communicating and supporting each other. That's very consistent with the style the show has had from the beginning, and that so many of us love.

[persephinae]

.

Kinda feel like shit, I'm tired from the conference and my flight home, but also they had a guest speaker this morning that had people trauma dump as a way to be vulnerable and be better people and show that every person is fighting invisible battles so we should all be kinder etc

And like a) that's not effective in front of 700+ people b) its voyeuristic, and c) it's triggering for people who have trauma bonus d) these people are all rich fucks who don't care about the peons under them (so again voyeuristic)

I didn't get called up, but again, it stirred up a lot of memories

So anyway, been thinking about my trauma all day

[kcgarashi]

4 Pros + 1 Con, please!

Send "Pro" or "Con" and I'll share one Pro or Con of Dating my Muse.

Pros: Dating Rera comes with a built-in family, honestly, her parents and little brother Bikki have this habit of getting attached to her significant others, her grandmothers? Not so much because they're both traditional in very different ways and believe she should be married by now. But usually, her family are pretty easygoing and has an 'if they make you happy, that makes us happy' mentality. Free food, probably for life.

Very easy-going, if you're serious about being together, she's serious about being together. If you just want to see where things go? That's fine too, no pressure, things go at her partner's pace and she's comfortable with that. If they want to take baby steps, that's fine and she'll voice that. Rera might tease someone for getting straight to the point, but it's all said in good spirits.

Open with communication, if something has annoyed her then she'll be upfront about it but at the same time she has a habit of accidentally trauma dumping, which would be fine if it didn't come out of the blue halfway between a cute date she's set up.I mean - has cool tattoos.

If her significant other is also a shinobi then she tends to wait for them at the gate, lunch for them and potential teammates with her. It's kind of wholesome if you're into that thing. Also, she's an academy teacher so slightly less chance of her dying horribly on a mission, so bonus?

Cons: Rera overthinks every little thing, and is secretly pretty insecure in everything she does that involves another person, making her hesitant. And because of that sad little flaw, early on in any kind of relationship, someone will inevitably feel like they're playing second fiddle to the guy who's like her sixth cousin four times removed and her ex that she's surprisingly friendly with? In reality, she's just unwilling to be anything other than perfect with a significant other but happy to be silly with her former teammates. It's weird.

Extra con because I thought of it two seconds before I posted, Shinbei is very invested in her being happy and it's just like 'wtf dude you broke her heart first'.

[dfnkt]

Oh my GOD stop qualifying why it's "ok" for you to rp the subject. It's fiction. It's either ok or it isn't and the reasons don't matter. Once again, personal information that is completely unnecessary.

Bonus points for saying "I'm coping by being horny over the slow takeover of fascism in America and abroad which is using trans people as a culture war scapegoat." Literally entirely unnecessary and in notably bad taste. I don't care. I don't need to know that and neither does anyone else. You don't. Have to qualify. Your right or "credentials" to roleplay fiction. It's also anonymous and people can say anything about who they are to "qualify" them so it doesn't even matter! I'm sorry but this is such a clear example of how people like this have no idea how weird this shit is because they have virtually zero social boundaries online.

The only time i understand mentioning that you're trans is if you want to clarify that your perspective is trans informed and therefore less likely to throw out some random unironic transphobia like calling people "transgendered" or whatever. Even then there are so many ways to communicate that that don't rely on 1. Personal information 2. Identity qualifiers. I've seen plenty other trans people say the dumbest shit so saying "I'm trans" doesn't mean nearly as much as saying "be respectful and competent with trans stuff even though there may be themes about transhobia!" Like, Buck Angel is trans too and no one should be listening to him and he says stupid shit exclusively lmao.

Idk! This isn't the most egregious example to be fair but in general no one needs your personal information in any way to interact with your prompt, outside of the site being 18+ only and that's a given in these interactions. These are anonymous roleplay prompts not social media bios.

I dont think this specific example should be against the rules but I 100000% think it should be absolutely banned to say shit like "this prompt helps me cope with my trauma" or "I dont condone these kinks it just helps me with my absue" or whatever. That's trauma dumping on random strangers, you're weird, please have boundaries.

[valsblog1]

People who are like "I listen to everyone's problems no one listens to me" why do you always need something in return? People talk to you because you're good at comfort. that doesn't necessarily mean that they are good at it too. Obviously they could also be using you but most of the time people who use you as a trauma dump/ vent don't actually realize that. If someone feels comfortable around you enough to talk to you about their problems and be vulnerable to you i don't think that you should think they're using you. If it really bothers you, you could easily just stop being there for them. Personally i listen to people either because I'm interested in the situation or I'm forced to. Or I'm conducting a personal social experiment on how people see things/ react to them. I'm going into it for my own benefit. Bonus points if you are happy about my judgement. I don't expect you to return it at all. Please. I'll vent about different things to different people. I decide who will give me the best judgement before telling them.

[4evernerdyy]

One story that I’ve been wanting to write is the story of how I became a girl mom/ bonus mom to the most amazing young lady. However, I knew it would take a lot of time to do it justice, so I have waited until the right time to sit down to begin.

I won’t write about what happened to bring it about, because it is not my place to write the business of other’s like that. I was so involved, yes, but others are as well. If there if anything my husband’s ex has taught me, it is to know when something is my place to express and not to, especially online.

I would NEVER want to tell a child’s business or a person the child loves’ business like that, either.

So, a massive long story short is- I became certified in adoption and for 15 months was the foster parent to our niece who we were after court ordered every other weekend visitations.

It was no joke one of the hardest things we have ever done, but it was also one of the most rewarding things we have ever done. In our hearts and hers, no one could ever break the bond we created and continue to water and nurture overtime. Those 15 months she lived with us were so, so many different things.

She could never understand how much we love her and are thankful for her. She could never understand what it meant to us when she petitioned and filed her own paperwork to live with us. It sucked when she did not win, but the point of foster care is to go back home to a much better home. She got to, and she gained us as a bonus. It worked out so well.

She has no kind of father figure in her life, so she and my husband have really bonded. She tells me all her secrets, but she goes to Steven when someone at school upsets her. She says I’ll get mad. Hahaha.

Lincoln loved having her with us, and he still calls her sissy a lot.

What’s biggest for me and the most important reason for the backstory, is what she did to my that altered my life and changed me forever. It is so hard to wrap my head around sometimes, so I really wanted to write it out. The entire situation helped me and allowed me to let go of so much and to understand so many things. I am beyond grateful.

I grew up in a not so good home situation full of yelling and screaming where I (the littlest in the house) was used as a punching bag by our father who apparently had no better way to get his anger out. That’s a whole other story in itself. I had so many feelings about that for years, until I grew old enough to leave for college. It was in my early twenties that I settled into an understanding with myself about dad.

However, it was in my mid twenties that I had to deal with infertility.

Infertility gave me a whole new trauma to get past that was unbearably hard to get over, even after having my own child. I was angry over all the things I had to go through to get him here (angry at God/life, not my son). I could not understand why I couldn’t have children. It took more than a miracle for Lincoln to get here, and the amount of physical and emotional pain was unbelievable. I plan to write an entire trauma dump on the amount of physical pain I have endured alone. It did not help when my baby was colic. I had more questions about life for God.

Then, starting Memorial Day Weekend of 2022, little did I know, all my prayers and questions were about to come hurtling full force through my door in the form of the most lively, vibrant, and beautiful 13 year old little girl.

Little did I know I was going to become a bonus mom for life.

Little did I know I was about to build a special bond like no other.

I am so blessed.

My husband and I watched The Chosen which has an episode where Jesus is asked why he hasn’t healed a crippled disciple. Jesus tells him that no one else could be trusted to praise God even through his suffering. That though his suffering on Earth is great, his reward in Heaven will be greater. She was still living with us at the time. I wept. I cried and cried. My husband cried. We had to rewatch the scene to make sure we both heard it all.

My husband gets me. He didn’t need me to explain what the scene meant to me as someone “unhealed” physically. We cried together, and it was beautiful.

I am unhealed because I was trusted to do God’s work and endure. No one else could be trusted with this burden. No one else could have endured my journey. I understand now and am honored.

And OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL STORY I REALIZE IT IS. AMEN. 😭

I had to grow up in the house I grew up in to be there later for a kid who would need me.

I needed to understand what it felt like to be left out for a kid who would later feel lonely.

I needed to understand what it was like for my aunt & uncle to be parental figures for me so that my husband and I could cross from aunt and uncle to parental figures.

I needed to not have a full womb because I needed an empty bedroom for someone that would need it.

I needed to understand all the pain I went through, because later on I’d meet a little girl who would know the same exact pains distributed in her own unique ways.

I needed the journey I walked so that I could help someone else walk through theirs.

It all makes so much sense now.

I know for a fact that she and I were meant for each other in this lifetime, and she said it too.

I cry thinking of how blessed she has made us/me. If she could only understand. My heart beats for her, Link, and Steven.

Family is made 🫶🏻

Also, want to end on this note- getting a full grown teenager as a 1000% surprise overnight.. WHEW😅😅😅😅😅😅

Was not ready.

Do not recommend. (Jk foster care needs people to home teens all the time.)

[thatonewriter15]

This one was a doozy, but it was so lovely, too. <3

Not Georrrrrge. </3 I will miss his character, but I'm glad to know he will still be honored in the rest of the series. And, of course, from a writer's POV, I understand the need for and weight of his fate.

“You can lean on me when you need to.” “I haven’t had that in a long time,” you admitted. “Part of me doesn’t know how to lean.”

This exchange. This one right here. I'm not gonna trauma dump, but between these words and Dean being there for her at the hospital and beyond--man.

"If nothing else, I’ve got a strong pair of shoulders.”

He is just so wonderful. xD<33

George's secret. The line.

“I’m ready to smile like that again.”

...That may be the best in the series for me. Something about it is magic. Got my tear ducts goin'.

Seeing Andréa putting the reader on the back burner--especially compared to Dean busting his ass--was tough. I'm glad those issues finally came to a head, even if I absolutely fear confrontation in real life. xD

I loved that Meg and Ellen stepped up to the plate for her. <3

“The house is yours. But if that’s too hard for you, just sell it,” he said, heaving a deep breath. “It’s just the bones. You’re the heart. And you always have been.”

Seriously, ma'am? Seriously? You are just so friggin' good. Holy crap. <3

George and Dean's agreement essentially being the last thing George did held a lotta weight, and it reactivated those tear ducts.

The kitchen scene. Both of them exhausted and hurting--my hearrrrt. But Dean really stepped up to the friggin' plate, and I loved that so much. Also appreciated him mentioning all the badass women in his life. That was a nice bonus. [Edit] Oh, my gosh, I cannot believe I forgot to mention this part:

“I’m not leaving you with this.” Your gaze met his, though you desperately tried to keep your heart from rising into your throat.  “I’m not leaving you,” Dean said. His tone, his eyes, his hold on your hand was firm. For a moment, you stared at him, unblinking, even as tears swam in your eyes.  He’s not leaving you. 

When you commented on my fic The Real Thing that you'd written something similar to some of my lines, you weren't kidding! That is uncanny! I cannot believe we wrote something so similar without having known about the other's words! [End of edit]

Lastly, I wanted to say that I'm sorry for your personal losses. </3

Smoke Eater - Part 11

Pairing: Firefighter!Dean Winchester x F. Reader 

Summary: Dean Winchester is the cocky, but well-respected Lieutenant at Firehouse 25. He leads by example, but he’s also known to break a few hearts. He’s starting to crave something he’s never had, though. Something stable. Something real. 

That’s when he meets you, on a truly terrible day, trapped in a rickety old elevator.   

🔥Series Masterlist

Word Count: 5,400 Tags/Warnings: Major angst warning. But also major hurt/comfort.

Part 11: “Heart of the Home”

You sat very still.

Your hands were gripped together in your lap when the doctor entered. He was tall and lean and blonde, and he would’ve reminded you of your boss, except this man had a kinder face.

You were sitting on the edge of your grandfather’s bed, hoping the doctor would say the bloodwork and scans came back fine. That they wouldn’t need to admit George into the hospital for further testing. That he could go home in the morning.

But your life had never been quite that easy.

“Okay, George. I’m sorry, but we need to admit you,” said the doctor.

He explained that while the malignant tumor of his cancer had been removed last year, the scans that had been done last month hadn’t been able to detect the bright spots now formed on George’s lungs and lymph nodes.

The oncologist would have to confirm, but you all knew where this was headed. Likely those “bright spots” were tumors.

George nodded slowly at first, taking it all in. He asked what his options were, as far as treatment.

“Your oncologist will go over those options with you,” the doctor replied. “We’re going to move you up to Oncology shortly.”

George thanked him.

And you sat very still. 

A hand fell on your arm, finally earning your gaze. George’s face was oddly calm, though the worry in his eyes was for you. You realized that he’d gently called your name, though you hadn’t heard him. Your ears were ringing.

His mouth parted to tell you something, but nothing came out. So instead, he tugged you into his arms, and he heaved a long sigh.

“I guess we’re here again,” he admitted. He let out a chuckle. “The Lord does like his tests…but maybe that car accident was a blessing in disguise, huh?”

You heard his voice, but your mind was buzzing—mainly with the doctor’s words, and with a bone-deep feeling that threatened to consume you.

Your car, your fault. Options, again. Here again.

Your fault.

When you didn’t answer, George pulled away a bit to give you a questioning look.

“Sweetheart?” he tried. You laid a hand on his arm.

“You still haven’t eaten dinner, have you?” you asked. Neither had you, for that matter. “I’ll get us something that isn’t rubbery turkey.”

George blinked at you, confused, with a growing edge of worry.

“Isn’t Dean getting your meds? Why don’t you wait for him to—”

“I’m fine,” you said, already getting up to grab your purse. “I’ll be back.”

George called your name again, but the ringing in your ears was now pulsing in time with your heartbeat.

You made your way down the hall to the lobby at a brusque clip, even with your neck brace on. You didn’t see Dean, but he certainly saw you as he was walking back into the hospital. Frowning, he followed and called out to you.

You slowed when you saw him, and he soon caught up with you. He rested a hand on your back.

“Hey, where you goin’?" he asked.

“We haven’t eaten in a while. I’m going to the cafeteria,” you said. Though you seemed distracted, your eyes meeting his only briefly. It triggered a small spidey sense running up Dean’s spine.

He gave you your prescription pain medication, which you took with a small “thank you.”

“Everything okay?” he asked. “How’s George doing?”

“Fine. He’s resting,” you said. And by the look of you, that seemed to be true. But he spotted the tremble in your hands when you took the pill bottle package from him. It made him stop you when you tried to keep walking down to the cafeteria.

“Okay, you wanna run that by me again?” Dean asked.

You frowned, and your brows knit together. “What?”

“Is there something going on?” he pressed.

You sighed, but you didn’t answer him. You looked exhausted, and like you’d rather swallow your own tongue than speak. You shook your head and laid a hand on his wrist.

“I’m fine. Dean, thank you for everything you did tonight, but you still have to work tomorrow. Go home, get some rest,” you said.

You turned from him again. That was your first mistake. He reached out and grasped your hand to stop you.

“Hey, wait a minute,” he said.

“What?” you said in irritation. Your second mistake was not being able to look at him.

Dean was frowning in earnest now. Worry clawed in his gut, which was also telling him not to let you walk away from him. His grip shifted to hold both of your arms and move directly in front of you. He dipped his chin, trying to get you to meet his eyes.

“Come on, sweetheart,” he said gently. “I need you to talk to me.”

You inhaled a shuddering breath. A wave was rising inside you, threatening to pull you into its undertow. Your eyes burned, red and shining. Dean finally saw it when you raised your head, what little you could. Your mouth began to quiver, looking into his eyes. And it was done.

You could no longer be still.

Dean held you when you fell apart in the hallway.

Dean called out of work the next day to stay with you and George. Gordon would be acting Lieutenant until his next shift, and Dean was sure the man would take full enjoyment out of it.

He couldn’t care about that right now though. He felt that his place was here, being your quiet wall of support while you and George and the oncologist talked about treatment options.

“Normally, at the stage we’re in, I would be recommending chemotherapy,” said Dr. Benton.

“Normally?” you echoed.

“At the rate this is progressing, the treatment would have to be aggressive,” he said. His gaze focused on George. “However, at your age, and the current state of your overall health…at this point, I don’t think the rigors of treatment would be worth diminishing your quality of life.”

“What are you saying?” you asked. Your voice cut like a whip, earning the other men’s gazes.

George was the first one to lay a hand on your arm. “You know what it means, honey…he’s saying it ain’t worth it.”

“Of course, it’s worth it,” you retorted. With your brows furrowed and lips pursed, your eyes went from him to the doctor. “Just because he’s older, we shouldn’t even try? Is that what you’re saying, doctor?”

At that, even Dean drew closer to lay a hand on your back. Meanwhile, George squeezed your arm.

Benton shook his head gravely. “That’s certainly not what I’m saying.”

“How much time would I get, if I started treatment,” George asked, before you could volley further with the doctor.

Benton met the other man’s gaze.

“I’m going to be honest with you, George. You may get a few more weeks, or even a few months. But that is a best-case scenario.”

Dean drove you all home that day, after George decided to formally waive treatment. Both men knew you were angry in your silence, but neither one wanted to press you. Dean was too wary, and George was too tired.

Once he was settled in bed, you hadn’t even left his room yet before you grabbed a notepad off his desk and wandered into the hall. You started to make a list of things you still needed from the grocery store, among other things. Dean took that piece of paper out of your hands.

“Good. I’ll handle this,” he said. “Meanwhile, you can get upstairs, take a shower, take your meds, and get some sleep.” 

You frowned at him. “You haven’t slept either, Dean.”

“I’m used to it,” he said, giving you a wink and a slight smile. Overnight shifts could be a bitch at a firehouse, but Dean was no stranger to having his sleep interrupted.

“Listen to him, honey. He’s speaking sense,” George called from inside his room. The bedroom door was still open. He was settling into his bed while trying to stifle a cough. He sipped at a cup of water you’d brought for him.

Still, you looked reluctant. Dean held your arms and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Come on,” he said. “You were in an accident yesterday. You’ve had one hell of a night. You need your rest, or you’ll be no good to anyone.”

And if you pushed yourself much more, he worried that he’d have to take you right back to the hospital. Dean would rather not have that scare so close to the last one.

He brushed your cheek with gentle fingers. With the limited mobility your neck brace provided, you did your best to look up at him. Your eyes were softer.

“Okay,” you breathed.

“Okay? All right, good,” Dean said. You held onto his jacket for a moment, leaning against him.

“Thank you,” you whispered. You felt the burn of tears behind your closed eyelids. A few of them squeezed past and slipped down your cheeks. Dean held your face, brushing the tears away with his thumbs.

“Hey, I’m here, all right? Just let me help you,” he said. “You can lean on me when you need to.”

“I haven’t had that in a long time,” you admitted. “Part of me doesn’t know how to lean.”

“I get that,” Dean said. But you both knew that there was a long and difficult road ahead. He knew he didn’t have to remind you of it. “Whatever you need, you just tell me, okay? If nothing else, I’ve got a strong pair of shoulders.”

Somehow, you smiled. You pressed your forehead against his chest and inhaled deeply, to steady yourself.

“That you do, Lieutenant.”

You left for your room soon after, but not before you brought him down to you for one more tearful kiss.

Dean then watched you climb up the stairs to your room and nearly went up to help you, but he heard George call his name. Dean ventured back into George’s room and heeded his beckoning hand.

“You hungry? I can scramble some eggs or something before I hit the store. I think I saw two more left in the carton,” Dean said. George shook his head.

“Come ‘ere a sec.”

Dean took the hint and sat on the edge of the bed.

“I just wanna thank you for everything you did yesterday. Everything you’re still doing for us,” George said. He looked exhausted, but whatever he wanted to say was important enough to fight off sleep. He clasped a hand on Dean’s arm.

“You don’t have to,” Dean replied.

George huffed. A smile made his eyes gleam brighter.

“I knew you were a special one, Dean Winchester. Knew it the night I met ya, on your very first date with her.”

Dean blinked, but his pause drifted into a reserved smile.

“How’s that?” he asked.

“Well, I’ll be honest. When I heard that black Chevy rumble like hell’s wheels onto the driveway, I thought I might have to worry about you,” George chuckled.

Dean’s lips quirked.

“But no, it wasn’t that. It wasn’t the pretty flowers, or our mutual love of killer sharks,” George quipped, making Dean’s smile more genuine. “It isn’t your job either, or the fact that you saved her. I just believe that you can see a man’s mettle in his eyes…and I saw it in you when I shook your hand that night.”

Dean took that in for a moment. His hand flexed over his knee. Then he met George’s gaze, though he didn’t know what to say. Sometimes though, honestly was the best bet.

“I’m sorry for what you’re going through,” he said at last. “I can’t imagine…”

George let out a breath through his nose. “I’ll tell you a secret.”

He pointed to a picture frame on his bedside. It was of him and his wife, Sophie, when they were around your age and Dean’s. The couple were sitting on a pier that hung over the edge of the lake in their hometown.

She held him from behind, with her arms wrapped around his neck. Her long hair was being carried by the wind, getting swept into George’s eyes. He was smiling too hard to care.

“I’m ready to smile like that again,” he said. He had tears in his eyes, but he was already lighter at the thought. “I know it’s selfish…but I think I’ve missed her long enough.”

Dean paused. Then he cleared his throat past a small well of something he couldn’t name. He wondered if his dad ever had thoughts like that.

“Well, I’ll let you get your rest,” he said. “I’ll be back.”

George nodded and gave Dean’s arm a squeeze. “All right. Drive safe. Don’t hit any goddamn trees.”

He shot Dean a knowing wink, and it almost had the younger man laughing. George’s sense of humor was something else.

Dean then left George to rest. He made sure he had his wallet, keys, and your grocery list before he left your house and went back to the car. He checked his phone and saw a missed call…from Cas.

Dean was reminded again about Azazel, the kingpin who might’ve ordered a hit on his family. Along with the recent murders and arsons, and the connection from one of the victims to your company, Savage & Co.

Dean returned the call as he climbed into the Impala.

“Dean. Everything all right?” Cas asked. “Sam filled me in about the accident.”

“Yeah, everyone’s okay…well, not really. I’ll explain later,” Dean replied. “Listen, about what we talked about at the bar.”

“Yes.” Cas said gravely. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t go to your father about this yet.”

“Funny, I was thinking the same thing.” Dean sighed. “My girl just got some real bad news. I know you gotta keep digging into Savage & Co., but can you keep her out of it?”

“Is she all right?”

“Yeah, more or less…it’s her grandfather.”

“Ah, I see,” Cas said. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Thanks, man. I’d rather her just focus on what she needs to do right now, you know?”

“I get it. And believe me, we’re keeping the investigation of Nick Savage quiet for now,” Cas said. “But if we find something, or worse, if I can’t…I’ll likely need to question her. She works directly with Savage, and from what I can tell, she’s instrumental in bringing in and maintaining several of his major accounts.”

Dean stopped at a red light and took a moment to rub a hand over his tired face, rubbing his eyes. “You don’t really think she’s got any idea of what that asshole’s into.”

“I’m not saying she does. But in working so closely with him, perhaps she’s noticed things about her boss, and the company. Things she’s kept to herself, out of self-preservation.”

Dean frowned. He didn’t want to think about shit like that. It made his stomach churn at the thought of you working for someone who might be doing business with a crime lord, let alone Azazel.

“Well, when that day comes, give me a heads up, okay?”

“Will do.”

“Thanks, Cas.”

Dean offered to take another day off to help you, but you wouldn’t let him. He needed to go back to work, and you were able to arrange working from home for the next few weeks.

Even Nick couldn’t refuse to accommodate you in a situation like this. He knew very well that if he pushed you too hard, you’d go directly to HR.

So he backed off, and told you to take as much time at home as you needed. It allowed you to put him, and that afternoon in his office, away from your mind to focus on taking care of your grandfather.

Though you called your best friend the day you got home from the hospital, Andréa didn’t come by your house to see you and George until the end of the week. She cited mounting projects at work and some kind of tiff with her cousin Meg, but it all sounded like excuses to you.

However, she was gracious enough to bring dinner for the three of you on a Friday night. She cut up with George like normal, and even got him laughing, until a coughing fit forced him to stop. It also took most of the joy out of the rest of the evening.

While George went up to his room to rest, Andréa later joined you in the kitchen. You were washing the dishes, trying to focus on what you were doing. But your mind was buzzing continuously with future tasks and worries. Always, tasks and worries.

“How are you holding up?” Andréa asked. She rubbed your back, and you gave her a slight smile.

“All I can do is make him comfortable, for as long as possible,” you replied. There were tears in your friend’s eyes, but she dabbed them away with the back of her hand.

“What do you need? Anything, you just tell me,” she said.

It was a little easier for you to contemplate leaning on Andréa. You had been friends with her for years, and she was like another daughter to George.

On the other hand, asking Dean for help always made you hesitate. What you two had was still so new. You worried that this was too much for your relationship, too fast. 

“Well,” you sighed as you wiped your hands dry on a kitchen towel. You didn’t exactly want to talk about it, but there were things you had to start planning, even if you didn’t know the exact timeframe.

However, as soon as you opened your mouth to reply, Andréa’s cell phone rang. She held up a finger to you and checked it. To your surprise, she actually answered it.

“Hey, babe,” she replied with a smile. You heard Benny’s deep voice on the line, asking a question. “Yeah, I’m still here. I’m probably leaving soon though.”

She continued her conversation for a few more minutes, but you didn’t hear anything after that. A tension headache was sharp behind your eyes, while anger (yes, anger) rolled hot under your skin. Your lips pursed. You busied yourself with straightening up the kitchen until she continued her call for another few minutes.

“Sorry about that,” she said, finally turning her attention back to you. “So what do you need?”

You put away the last dry dish and turned to her coolly.

“Nothing.”

Andréa frowned. She knew there was something off with you, but her furrowed brows betrayed her confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing,” you repeated. “Don’t you need to head out, anyway?”

“No, I was just…what’s up with you?” she asked.

“What’s up with me is my grandfather’s dying!” you snapped. You left her in the kitchen, precisely so that she’d follow you out. You grabbed her purse for her and went to the front door, where you stepped out.

Andréa was dismayed and confused as she followed you out onto the porch. She raised her brows at you when you shut the door and crossed your arms at her.

“I know you, and this isn’t just about that. What’s the problem?” she asked.

“You can’t seem to detach from your boyfriend for more than five minutes to just be my friend. That’s the problem,” you replied. “But why should I be surprised? Like always, you’re too wrapped up in yourself to consider anyone else.”

Her brows knitted together; she looked hurt by your words, but also defensive.

“How can you say that when you’ve been exactly the same way?” she accused. “Since you met Dean, I’d be lucky to see you once a week—”

“I call you every week,” you began, counting the list with your fingers. “You’re always busy, but you never give me a day that works for you. And when we do make plans, you usually cancel. Why? Because you’re going sailing with Benny. You’re going to a restaurant, hours away, just to try the new sushi bar beer garden, or whatever the hell. Or you’re going on an impromptu road trip, or you’re planning a summer trip to Greece. Give me fucking break, Dre.”

By now she was frowning angrily, her arms crossed. “You’re mad at me because I have a life?”

“No. I’m happy for you that you found someone. I really am,” you said. “But we clearly live in two different versions of reality. I just don’t have the time or the energy to entertain yours.”

You knew you were being too harsh. You felt incredible guilt as soon as it all left your mouth…but part of you also felt like a weight had been lifted off your chest. The problem was, you still felt heavy. Just in a different way.

Both of you were crying when Andréa left your house.

All too soon, a week became a month. In that time, Dean called you every day to check on you. He spent most of his evenings with you and George when he wasn’t on shift. And when he was, sometimes Meg would drop in.

She understood your argument with Andréa, and she respected you for taking a stand when you needed to. She even confided you that she’d had similar frustrations with her cousin lately.

But Meg wasn’t your only visitor. Ellen had come a few times to bring you lunch and dinner, even breakfast, though you hadn’t asked her to. You realized then how close Dean must be to his friends at the firehouse, along with the Harvelles; Ellen also refused to take any money from you for the food.

By the end of the month, George mainly spent his days sleeping. Pain medication made his days nearly painless, but not without struggle. You were doing your best to care for him while continuing to work full-time from home. You were also exhausted, though you refused to admit it.

Today was a better day, however, because George was awake. He was also more aware of his surroundings than usual.

He stopped you from adjusting his pillow so you would sit down on the edge of his bed. He took your hand in his, brushing a thumb over the back of it.

“I’m okay with this, you know,” he said. You pursed your lips, but he stopped you from whatever you were going to say. “I don’t want to leave you. You know that…but I’m so damn proud of you. Your Gram was, and still is…”

Your lower lip wobbled as you tried and failed to keep your tears at bay. They stung in your eyes and slipped past your defenses, down your face.

“The house is yours. But if that’s too hard for you, just sell it,” he said, heaving a deep breath. “It’s just the bones. You’re the heart. And you always have been.”

You opened your mouth to speak, but not a sound would come out. You held his hand with both of yours and stared down at them. Until his voice once again commanded your attention.

“I always thought…moving to the city ruined my daughter. That we should’ve stayed in Lebanon. That maybe I gave her too much freedom, and I failed her somehow along the way,” George said. His eyes were heavy with old heartache. And yet, they soon began to lighten.

“But the day we lost a daughter, we gained one too,” he said. Then, he chuckled a little. “And I know I never failed with you, sweetheart.”

That proved to be too much for you. He pulled you into his arms like you were still a child, and he held you for a long time while you cried yourself out.

Though he eventually spotted Dean hesitating in the doorway. He’d probably let himself in with the spare key you’d given him.

George raised a hand from your back and silently beckoned Dean inside his room. He was getting tired, drifting off thanks to the morphine.

“Hey, lookie there. The boyfriend’s here,” George whispered with a bit of cheek. You sucked in a breath and raised your head, wiping at your eyes before you turned around. Dean met you with an attempt at a smile and a gentle hand on your back.

“Just got out of work?” you asked. He’d been on a 24-hour shift, and you’d missed him. You stood and stepped into his welcoming embrace. He dropped a kiss on your forehead.

“Yeah. I’ve got the next couple of days off,” Dean said. He greeted George next and asked him if he needed anything.

“Just some water,” the older man replied.

“I’ll get it,” you said with a sniff. “Need to start dinner too.”

“I already brought some food. You like Italian, right?” Dean said, with a subtle smile. It earned your sigh and a grateful smile. He knew very well that it was now one of your favorites. Italian meatballs always reminded you both of your first date.

“Thank you,” you said, grasping his hand. He squeezed yours with a nod, before he let you go.

When you were out of earshot, George cleared his throat past a wet cough. Dean reached over and grabbed him a tissue. George took it with a nod. Again, he encouraged Dean to come closer.

“I’m not worried,” George said, between deep breaths. “You know why?”

Dean just stared back for a moment. He genuinely had no idea what the man might say next.

“Tell me,” he said.

“My granddaughter’s strong. Always has been, because she had to be,” said George. “But you’re gonna be there when she’s not.”

Dean considered the weight of that charge. The anxiety in his chest felt familiar; like the day he got his badge at the Fire Academy, knowing then the responsibility he held in his hands.

That’s a lot to put on just three months of knowing this girl, came a more selfish thought. It sounded a lot like the guy he used to be, not too long before he met you.

But when Dean thought about you, and what you’d begun to mean to him…

He realized that he only had one answer.

“Yes, sir. I am,” said Dean.

George gave a tired smile. “Good man.”

And that night, an agreement was made. 

In the morning, your grandfather was gone.

Dean held you through what he thought was the worst of your heartbreak. But after that dour morning, it was like a switch flipped inside you.

In the days after George’s death, your shutters came up. You threw yourself into checklists and task after task—in funeral arrangements and planning and contacting distant relatives and friends.

This was your failsafe. Your version of “autopilot.” And these things needed to get done, after all.

But Dean worried when he no longer saw the softer side of you. Like your heart had been wrung dry. 

He inevitably had to go back to work, but in between the demanding hours of his schedule, he tried to get you to slow down. He saw the warning signs of you running yourself into the ground. He just didn’t know how to help you land.

So Dean picked up slack where he saw it, often without you asking him to. He began fixing the house, one section at a time. He enlisted Benny’s help, since he actually had a small construction business. Dean even paid for the materials himself without you knowing.

And one sunny afternoon, he took a break from repaving part of the cracked and uneven driveway to grab a beer inside. You were sitting at the kitchen table with stacks of papers all around you, your cellphone on speaker as some kind of elevator music continued to ring on a loop.

“Can you believe I’ve been on hold with the funeral director for 20 minutes?” you told him in irritation. But you didn’t truly take sight of him until he came back from the kitchen.

He wore a familiar ensemble of jeans and black undershirt with a plaid shirt, rolled up to his elbows. He was covered in a fine layer of sweat, and his hands were dusty and stained from his work on the driveway. Dean looked tired, and that made you feel guilty.

Meanwhile, he frowned and popped open a beer. “You want one of these? Looks like you could use one.”

You shook your head. With a sigh, you hung up the phone. You’d try calling again later. Instead, you focused on the next item of your checklist for today.

“Food. Because we’re gonna need to eat after the service,” you inclined your head. “Okay, still need to come up with a list of caterers, because I don’t think I can cook for that many people.”

Dean nodded at that. “Let me talk to Ellen. She’ll give you a good price, and her food is good.”

You looked up from your notepad and considered him thoughtfully. You wouldn’t have thought to cater from a bar, but he was right. Ellen had great food at the Roadhouse.

“Okay, I’ll call her,” you said.

“No, I’ll call her,” Dean insisted. He set down the beer on the table and leaned his palms flat on its surface. “Sweetheart, I told you I’d help you with all this. You don’t have to do it by yourself.”

“Dean, you’ve done enough,” you replied. Your brows drew together stubbornly. “You’re paving my driveway right now, for God’s sake! This is my responsibility, not yours.”

Dean frowned, making you sigh. You leaned back in your seat and crossed your arms.

“Look, we’ve only been dating for three months,” you said. And in your mind, a good chunk of that time had been spent in the worst hell of your life. “This right here? It’s a lot. I’m not expecting you to deal with all this…”

You bit your lip, and your gaze fell away from his as your insecurities took hold. The thoughts that had been plaguing you every night since this all began, on the night of the car accident.

“And…if you’d rather take a break from us for a while, I’d understand,” you said.

Your voice was more collected than you felt. But that didn’t make it any easier when Dean stared back at you, mostly incredulous. You even thought you saw a thread of hurt there, and it made your heartache worsen.

Dean came around to your side of the table. He dragged a chair back and sunk into it, facing you directly.

“You think that’s the kind of guy I am?” he asked.

You immediately shook your head. You weren’t trying to upset him, or imply that he wasn’t reliable, or trustworthy, or whatever was running through his head. You were just trying to be realistic.

You’re so pragmatic it hurts, as Andréa had often told you.

“Dean, it’s not that…” you began, a bit helplessly. “I just—”

“Just, nothin’.” His chair scraped toward you as he reached out for your hand. He made sure you looked him in the eyes when he said this next part. 

“I’m not leaving you with this.”

Your gaze met his, though you desperately tried to keep your heart from rising into your throat. 

“I’m not leaving you,” Dean said. His tone, his eyes, his hold on your hand was firm.

For a moment, you stared at him, unblinking, even as tears swam in your eyes. 

He’s not leaving you. 

Not like everyone else in your life.

You were grateful. Too grateful, even, for words.

When you finally broke down into tears, Dean realized what an idiot he’d been. Your wall of stoicism had been just that—a flimsy wall. Now it was shattered, and so were you.

It scared him just how much, as he gathered you onto his lap and into his arms. You didn’t seem to care that he was dirty and covered with sweat. You clung to him strong, and he held you back just as tightly.

“No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough,” you confessed. “You save people all the time. I couldn’t save anyone in my life.”

Dean frowned. He cupped the back of your head, and he felt your tears sliding down his neck. His voice was thick with emotion when he was able to reply.

“Oh, baby. It’s not your fault.”

“I can’t…I can’t do anything. Anything that matters.” Your voice was a broken whisper. It damn near broke his heart. 

“Now you know that’s not true,” he said. “I’m not gonna let you lie to yourself like that.”

You trembled and heaved with sobs, and he continued to hold you.

Just be there, Sam had told him, when Dean had called him from the hospital. Sam reminded him again last week, when George finally passed.

Is that all I’m supposed to do? Dean thought. His brows furrowed, but he tried to hide his frustration.

He was used to people depending on him. He led a team. Before then, he’d looked out for Sam all his life. Dean had never had to help someone get through this kind of grief though. He just wanted to help you, in whatever way he could.

Because he was worrying, just like you. That whatever he did, it wouldn’t be enough.

But he couldn’t leave you. 

I can’t, and I won’t, he thought. So he took a breath, and he said the first true thing that came to mind.

“You’re the strongest woman I know, you know that?” Dean said. He spoke low and steady, but with the conviction he felt. “And that’s a tall order, considering some of the badass ladies I’ve got in my life.”

A smile tugged at his lips when he considered people like Ellen and Jo, Jody and Donna. He might’ve lost his mom, but he and Sam hadn’t lacked when it came to influential women in their lives.

“But I saw it the day we met. I see it every time we’re together,” he continued. “You work hard as hell. You take care of everyone around you…”

You were still quiet, trying to stifle your crying.

Dean let out a breath. “Man, if you only knew how much you’ve been helping me. Keeping my damn feet on the ground with this whole…arsonist mess my dad’s been investigating. Digging up the past, my mom, the whole damn thing.”

With a sniffle, you uncurled from him, just enough to reveal your face. Your grip on his shirt loosened, your palm flattening on his chest. He held your hand there and turned his lips to your forehead. He sensed that you were calming down. That you were listening.

“That matters to me,” he told you.

You nodded and tightened your hand on his. “Me too.”

Your voice was still shaky, but it sounded a little stronger.

“See? You might as well face it.” Dean grinned. “You’re a badass chick with a big heart.”

You snorted in response. Your lips even twitched at a smile. He spied it when he looked down at you. And you rested easier against him as your tears subsided.

“Thank you,” you whispered. He dried your cheek with a brush of his hand. 

“For what?” he asked.

“For staying.”

AN: So first off, I'm sorry for the gritty "reality" of this one. It's just where the story took me, though it serves a purpose narratively and for both the reader and Dean's character development.

But also, I think this has just been on my mind, since both my grandmother and great uncle (brother and sister) died within a year of one another due to different forms of cancer. My great uncle passed in May of this year, and my grandmother two years this past October.

Again, I'm sorry if this one was too heavy, but art does imitate life and this was probably my brain trying to express those emotions I couldn't fully make sense of at the time. George will be missed, but will still be felt in the rest of this story, as I'm sure any of you who've lost close family members will understand. 💙

Next Time:

The identity of Azazel will finally be revealed in Part 12. But first...

You nodded. “By the way, it was nice of Sam and Eileen to come. And Meg and Cas.” 

Dean smiled.

“They can be your people too,” he said. “If you want ‘em to be.”

You couldn’t help it. Your tears brewed and bubbled over. And you moved slowly across the couch to twine your arms around his neck. Dean’s lips tugged at a smile, and he welcomed you with an arm wrapping around your waist.

Both of you were still wearing the same clothes you’d been wearing all day; you in your black dress and Dean in his slacks and white buttoned-down shirt, though by now without the jacket, and the shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

You were infinitely exhausted. But one thing had become clear to you over the past few weeks.

“Thank you. Thank you for today, and for every day since we met,” you said shakily.

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