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jadienjaystoriesandart · 4 years ago

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I just got done watching a video that pointed out how a couple in a book series I read is bad for each other. Thus, after that trip and long conversations with my fellow fanders IRL I’m going to be picking apart couples in this web series and why some would work and others wouldn’t.

This will be Part 1

Now keep in mind this is just my personal opinions from what I’ve read and what I’ve seen. Some of it is delving into Fandom area but others will be what we see in Cannon as well. Sometimes couples I like will be ones I pick on because objectively they just aren’t good for each other.

With that in mind let’s get started with the most well known couples.

Prinxiety (Roman/Virgil) - Everyone's favorite couple to either put through so much angst that I think these people either are really moody or have went through alot of shit. Like seriously, the amount of angst you find just is astonishing... And sometimes very unrealistic, but I digress. But, though I like this couple in some instances, I find their relationship to be toxic and unreliable.

Take into account their personalities in the series. Roman often shows his love by belittling or insulting a person. A thing we as fanders know to be because of his own insecurities. Now in comparison to self loathing and hating Virgil, who just takes it and even contributes to it. Regardless of if it’s just Virgil’s sense of humor, that still doesn’t make it right. How many friends do you know that insult you or don’t help you see the good in you. I can’t think of many instances where Roman, like Patton, would pick up Virgil after he tries to self-hate. Patton actively, though in a babying way, at least tries to tell Virgil he’s wrong about his hate. Which as we see takes our anxiety friend by surprise.

Also there is the fact that Roman, as we saw in SvS Redux, really needs someone to be there for him. Virgil however also needs this. And this implies that if they were to be together it’s just be a struggle to get anywhere. Not to say it couldn’t work, but it’d take alot of time. Roman would need to be more confident in himself and not take it out on others. And Virgil would be to be confident also and stop taking harsh words and such lying down. ‘

Though it is clear from the newest asides they do care about each other.

All around a couple that has some issues that would make a romantic relationship hard. Platonic sure, I can see it because it works, but not romantic as neither I feel would suit the others needs.

Logicality (Logan/Patton) - I do actually love this pairing, it’s cute and fluffy at times when the fandom puts them together. Not alot of angst I’ve found despite being popular couple number 2. However, with how the cannon portrays them to each other, they won’t work as a romantic couple in real life.

To explain, Patton is very controlling, we see this through out the series. We know he doesn’t mean to be sometimes, but clearly being the side Thomas listens to the most, means he clearly has alot of power in the mindscape. Logan, by contrast, is very cold at times and very distant when it comes to his feelings or expressing them. Something he needs to work on.

Several times we see Patton trying to force Logan to do things he doesn’t want to. The episode I feel this is highlighted in the most is Learning New Things About Ourselves. Logan isn’t one to just open up about things like how Patton, Roman, even Virgil are. Being these sides deal the most in feelings of many times. Logan himself is a logical side, he things critically and prefers facts to solve problems. Patton however is very open and very feeling. And tries through out the episode to get Logan to express. Logan clearly is reluctant to do so, because it’s not his area and it’s not his thing.

With people like this you can’t force them to open up, you can’t force them to express to you. It’ll just end terribly when you do and can even push them farther away. Which is what I think if happening with Logan. Throughout this episode Logan expresses faintly that he doesn’t want to be see as a ‘Joke’ to them, because after all he’s logic. But the other keep disregarding him. Something it feels they are even guilt tripping him into it. Though we do see that Thomas tells them not to force Logan.

To sum it up, Patton and Logan as a couple would be a rocky one at best because Logan can’t emote well and Patton can’t back off well. Both need to learn this because they could be a couple.

Dukceit (Remus/Janus) - We don’t know alot about their relationship to really go into how they function. But if what Thomas said about the fandom being pretty spot on about their time together, then we can assume that as a couple they are pretty stable at times compared to most. Janus clearly cares about Remus enough to listen to him and take in what he has to say where others won’t. And Remus, by extension, shows his appreciation by ‘gifting’ Janus with things. Possibly Remus seems to just love the attention and loves that someone doesn’t find him gross or immature.

Janus clearly, if we are to go by fandom and Thomas’s words, wants Remus happy and they do seem to share a connection and lots of laughs. I don’t ship these guys though, but if we are to go off of these things they would work rather well as a couple. Unless we find out more, this seems to be the outcome.

Royality (Roman/Patton) - Now I’m not here to argue about how characters in a relationship would treat others around them. Just how they were treat each other. While I am of the opinion this couple would be a bit of a powerhouse to others they do work well together in some sense. Both are peppy and upbeat, Roman easily picks up Patton when he’s in a funk and vice versa. The amount of serotonin between these two dorks is something to marvel at.

Granted in the new episode we see that there is some tension with Patton having really forced his own morals on Roman and this leads to tension when accepting new sides. But, as a couple they would work. I can’t see points that they lead each other one nor points were one tries to control the other, and in terms of words it’s mostly of encouragement. Patton clearly does care about Roman and Roman to Patton. This pairing really works well, has some rocky moments that can easily work through as no couple truly is 100% perfect, as I pointed out with the others.

But out of all of the ones mentioned this one has the least amount of rough patches. They work together and don’t actively put the other down or force them 24/7. This does happen, but not often. And I don’t pair them often, just from time to time.

Analogical (Logan/Virgil) - These two are actually really adorable together and through out the series I can confidently say they would be great for each other. And this isn’t just me saying it, from all the evidence we see Logan and Virgil together just works.

Logan has a calm disposition and is firm when he has to be, never once have I really seen them lash out at each other with harsh words. Only instance that comes to mind is when Virgil calls Logan a ‘Clueless idiot’. But that’s about it, any other time, even during the debate, afterwards they aren’t at each others throats and both seem to be rather comfortable around each other. Logan could easily be the rock Virgil needs to stand on his own but in his own time.

Virgil however is a good push for Logan, as he himself knows the value of taking your time. I can’t seem Virgil in the cannon ever forcing Logan, even in LNTAO Virgil was the only side that didn’t belittle Logan that much. Virgil was even reluctant, even if he was pressured into it in the end, and I can only think of once in which he did say something harsh to Logan... which was after Logan lashed out at Roman. (With semi good reason). Virgil easily could be that silent partner that Logan needs to feel something but within his own time.

Granted it’d be a long courtship and time for them to learn each others cues as Logan is hard to give out love. But once he does open up he’s a mess that needs to be loved back. Same goes for Virgil, but where they work and Prinxiety doesn’t is that they are both used to giving gestures and reading the air. Where we have established Roman isn’t really good at. Virgil could pick up easily when Logan is having problems and when to approached. And Logan is good at understanding when people need space and isn’t afraid to just talk about it rather than let things linger.

They’d still have their problems, what couple doesn’t. But it wouldn’t be near as bad as some of the others.

Moxiety (Patton/Virgil) - Where to start with this... I mean, it’s not a bad pairing but it’s also not a great pairing. Not for reasons some think. Honestly I could care less about the argument of ‘Son/Father’ shit that is peddled. It’s been established that Patton thinks of all the sides as ‘Kiddos’ even Thomas, even if none of it is true and Virgil and Patton are technically the same fucking age as Thomas is. Patton just is the group ‘dad’ and truly believes this.

I digress, as for how they work as a couple it could be good or bad. This is one that it really does depend on how you look at the series as a while. Me, I’m on the fence. On the one hand Patton is a good self esteem booster for Virgil when the other needs it. And Virgil is calm and understanding of how much feelings can be. On the other hand Patton can be very forceful with Virgil and sometimes even baby him as we saw in the halloween episode. And Virgil does resent this, stating he is strong enough and doesn’t need to be coddled.

Clearly there is a imbalance of power there also as Patton is possibly and ‘older’ side as in he’s been around with Thomas much longer. Thus is why he’s the one most listened to. While Virgil doesn’t have as much power as the other sides in terms of the amount he’s listened to. It’s getting better though, Patton is trying to baby him less and let him really be heard. He’s listening to Virgil rather than assuming things. It’s slow, but it’s working.

In the end, it’s really on how you see it. This could either be a really good couple or really bad couple depending on how one writes them. Cannonly, it could work with time, but we’ll have to see as the series goes.

Logince (Roman/Logan) - Not sure where to start with this one. Maybe at the fact Roman picks on Logan just as much as he does Patton. Or maybe with how Logan doesn’t take it laying down, most of the time, and does have a sharp tongue to lash back.

These two are at tensions with each other, even after Why We Get Out Of Bed In The Mornings. Heck that was a whole episode about the tensions! And there is still tension as we go. Roman really needs to get a handle on his self esteem issues before pursuing any relationship I feel. Something I think is going to come up as Thomas enters one.

Logan has been seen lashing out verbally and once even psychically at Roman. He felt bad afterwards, but we can’t say it wasn’t justified with how Roman treated him. Having problems with feeling like he’s not listened to, interrupted, and something even insulted. And again Roman’s problems with insulting others to boost his confidence comes back into play. Why it doesn’t affect him with Patton is because with the moral side Roman feels wanted and needed, with the others he lashes out because they make him feel that way.

Logan even did insult some of Roman’s passions, which we know to be a sore spot for the creative side. Roman already has many problems as he’s limited by what is morally right and wrong. He puts time and effort into his things, and it hurts when someone comes along and insults you’re hard work.

Now whether they meant to do this too each other or not is up or debate. You could argue that Roman’s problem is internal and not directed at anyone. You could argue the same for Logan, or argue that the others need to learn that what they are doing is harsh even if they don’t mean it. Regardless this couple would really need to work on these problems before ever getting together. It’s not something small like communication or feeling problems and can be fixed with the right person. This is them both putting the other know, internationally or not. And that’s not a healthy relationship at all.

I’d say after they work through that Roman could be with just about any side. And some goes for Logan with Patton or Roman. With Virgil it’s not a huge problem as Logan never once has taken out his frustration on him, might be due to Virgil’s calmer nature, who knows.

So yeah, that’s the end of part one. I’m not saying none of this would work, I’m saying with how they are NOW they wouldn’t work. We’ll have to see have the series progress how it goes.

#sanders sides #thoughts on pairings #logicality #royality #prinxiety #moxiety #logince #analogical #i think I got them all in this post #lost post #some personal opinions #ts logan #ts virgil #ts roman #ts patton #dukxiety #ts janus #ts deceit #ts remus

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mysticmeadowscamp · 4 years ago

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Analogical but they also are love their bffs

I… dont know what this is, it started as Analogical but also Roman and Patton are there cause I love them and was just going with whatever my fingers typed cause idk how to write? Anyway, here?? Have this?? (BTW Im lowkey headcanoning logan and veevee as demiromantics in this but read it as you wish it to be)

Logan approached Virgil the beginning of their second year of college with a question.

“I mean, full disclosure Lolo- I like you and love you platonically, but I don’t have a crush on you right now. I still think I’d like to date, but just-- uh.” Virgil fiddled with the sleeves of their hoodie nervously. “Full disclosure. That’s… that’s where I’m at.”

Logan smiled, offering a hand and unconsciously letting his face grow into a grin when his gremlin took it and squeezed gently. “That’s fine, Veevee. There's no pressure, and I won’t be angry if we broke it off. But I- I’d like to see where it goes, if you want that too.”

The blush that rose on their Lolo’s cheeks at the confession drew a slightly mischievous smile out of Virgil. They leaned down and planted a kiss on Logan’s cheek before drawing back, both of them now bright red.

“Okay, lets see where it goes, then.”

“Veevee, hand me the spatula will you?”

“No, I still have to make the other pancakes.”

“But what if it falls before we’re done cooking the other ones?”

“We can poison ourselves with ceiling germs some other time Lolo, Roman’s here.”

“I would really rather you two not poison yourselves ever but I do appreciate the sentiment,” Roman, watching two of three of his gremlins as they tried to scrape pancake off the ceiling. Apparently neither of them were very apt at flipping pancakes spatula-less, and this is not the first time this had happened.

“We would never think of inflicting you to the trials we put our own bodies through, Roman,” Logan assures, which really does nothing to assure Roman at all but at this point he only sighs and downs another third of his coffee.

Logan takes the supposed opportunity of Roman’s covered vision to plant a kiss on Virgil’s head, which earns him an affectionate smack on the arm. Logan wobbles dangerously on the chair he climbed on, bent over as he is to reach Virgil, but steadies himself and crouches lower when Virgil beckons to receive a peck on the lips.

Roman sees all of this over the top of his mug, holding back the instinct to run over and keep Logan from falling and the fond chuckle that would alert the nerds to their audience.

The two of them had settled together well the past few months, and while they were still odd with expressing affection too openly in front of the group there were moments that Roman got to witness that made his heart sing for the happiness of his friends. There had been a bit of tension when they had told everyone they were dating, no one quite escaping the awkward feeling that came with change and a bit worried about what might happen if things somehow ended badly.

There hadn’t been reason to worry though, Roman reflected. It seemed the relationship between the gremlins had only strengthened their communication. Watching them move around one another, not quite seamless in the tiny apartment kitchen but with such knowing, such gentle, playful affection, comparing that to the first time Roman had met the both of them--

Roman couldn’t have stopped the delighted grin from forming on his face if he had bothered to try.

He jumped when a dishrag was launched at his face.

“What's with the goofy look?” Logan, his best friend, smiling unconsciously at him, asked and Roman couldn’t help but brighten even more. “If you’re going to look like sunshine incarnate you’ll have to leave my kitchen. It’s too precious, you’ll steal my partner.”

“My kitchen now Lolo,” Virgil poked at their boyfriend’s sides, pushing him out of the kitchen. “Roman can’t steal me anyway, we have aro/ace solidarity. You could never understand how deep our bond is.” Virgil nodded solemnly at Roman, and Roman indulgently nodded back.

“This is betrayal, where is my pan solidarity. I’m wounded, hurt even,” Logan deadpanned, and then when Virgil giggled he melted into such a dopey look that Roman couldn’t hold back his laughter.

“Come over here Logan, get your pan/aro solidarity,” Logan eagerly went to collect Roman hugs.

“Now who’s betraying who?” Virgil pouted, but perked up dramatically and went running for the door when it opened, immediately launching themself at Patton. Patton caught them with ease and the two twirled in their hug before Patton settled them in one of his arms. Virgil very pointedly stuck their tongue out at Logan, who gasped and swooned back against Roman.

“Hey Virgil! Hey Logan, Roman! I brought the blowtorch!” Patton waved the plastic bag holding a suspicious lump inside it and Virgil whooped joyously.

“Oh, sweet! Also, come help me get the pancake off the ceiling.”

Roman dropped his forehead onto Logan’s shoulder and groaned, Logan shaking with laughter at his pain.

Roman wondered what the hell he was supposed to do with a confiscated blowtorch.

This is SO wholesome and goofy im love it sm dhdbdbnd

Dont you love Patton just chillin with a blowtorch

#submission #campfire fics #campfire!vee #campfire!nate #campfire!florian #campfire!patton #cf!navee

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thehereticaldeserthermit · 4 years ago

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𝕆𝕦𝕥 𝕆𝕗 ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕖𝕣 ℚ𝕦𝕖𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤

ROLE PLAYER GET TO KNOW YOU PROMPT

Alright TDC Community It’s time for a task,

and this time we’re all going to get to know each other a little better.

Under the cut, you’ll find forty out of character questions split into two parts: OOC about your muses, and OOC about yourself! Answer what you’d like, add more if you’d like.

When you’re done TAG some of your writing partners and keep FUN going.

-there is no pressure to participate

-IF You Are Reading This And You’d Like To Participate Consider Yourself Tagged My Friend!

Much Love,

TheJesseWhoLurks

I tag @lyr-taxidermist @theghostofharar @hurdygurdyskeksis @urskekyagvi @skekmal-the-hunter @skekso-the-emperor @gourdplayer @hedonistschambers @ulvanmaudra @littlebluezoologist @the-wandering-urru @queenofthetides @juliejewel24 @thecastleurru

OOC About Your Character(s)

1. What do you want to get out of playing this character(s)?

The reason I wanted to write for Gra was to meet fellow fans that loved the world of TDC as much as I do, I wanted to find fellow writers. I wanted to steep myself in the fandom. You can easily consider me skeKSis obsessed but I am growing a fondness for their counterparts -slowly ❤

2. Describe your character(s) with three words.

Passionate | Erratic | Trustworthy

3. What made you decide to write this muse?

Originally I was going to pick up The Ritual Master, he’d been my OG fav from the movie BUT Gra kept ... poking me with his scepter? Like; I live in the desert, you live in the desert, Ima recluse, you’re a recluse =we are simpatico. I think The Heretic picked me because he simply would not leave my mind when I considered him as a possibility.

4. If you could change one event in your muse’s life (in their main or canon verse), what would you change?

Canon. I mean they left us kinda hanging there. We really do not know what happened do we? They are simply, just not there anymore. I do not want them to perish, I want them to make it to the finish line and become urSkek. It breaks my heart to think they did not make it.

5. If you could tell your muse one thing, what would you tell them?

I would not say anything, just hug him REALLY tightly and probably not let go until he gives me a chitter-laugh.

6. If you could give your muse one gift, what would you give them?

I would like to give them...ME.

7. If you had to take one positive thing away from your muse, what would you take away?

I do not want to take a positive thing from the fibers that make up Gra. I feel they are very interwoven in his tale. Removing one would make another untether. If I could take away or diminish a bad trait Id have him not be so stubborn and or impatient but then again he would not be Gra now would he?

8. If you could “borrow” one aspect of your muse and apply it to yourself or your own life, what would you borrow?

His determination, passion. Damn son. You get things done.

9. Do you genuinely want your muse to be happy? What do you think would make them most happy in life?

Yes. He’s gotten his ass handed to him, I think he might be owed a slice of peace and happiness. What makes him most happy? He’s already showed me; his relationships whether its friendship, extended family or a lover those are treasures he holds near and dear to his heart.

10. Do you enjoy putting your muse through angst? What do you think would break their heart the most?

Usually I prefer to plot out angst rather then let it completely run a-muck because you never know what your partner is comfortable with, what might trigger them in a detrimental way and simply set fire to a plot unintentionally.

I already know; it literally is ... break his heart.

11. What do you love about your muse?

His dynamic energy, the wild fire, the mystical chaos, the creativity is off the charts. His sharp distinguished features, the way he looks shamanistically feral as compared to his brethren and their Garthic garb. His use of the color red. His scratchy rasp of a voice. His laugh.

12. What do you hate about your muse?

He is a high maintenance muse, he is demanding and screeches loudly for what he wants.

13. What about your muse amuses you?

The fact that he is a skeKSis. This brings a whole slew of challenges to the table for a writer. Case in point, I was writing a reply one day and I went to put something in along the lines of ‘he arched his brow and blah blah’ THEN he hit me! He has no eyebrows to arch, ahhh! I have to stop and think about how to write out expressive traits or reactions that are not of the usual human reaction tone.

14. What about your muse makes you sad?

How fragile his heart really is after all the shit he’s endeared.

15. How would you describe your muse to someone about to meet them, in person, for the first time?

Get Ready For A Wild SURPRISE!

16. Would you like your muse as a person if you met them in real life?

Yes, I like creative souls. I cherish them.

17. In what ways are you better than your muse? In what ways are they better than you?

I do not think I am or he is better than the other.

But I will say he is a handsome devil, for a skeKSis.

18. Why do you think you connect to your muse?

Creative. Outcast.

19. What aspect of your muse’s personality is most important to you? What aspect of your muse’s personality do you think is most important to them? Is it the same? Why or why not?

His passion and drive. I’d say its the same answer for us both. All of the accomplishments he tackled probably had their stacks of obstacles with each to-do. You’d have to have an unending supply of passion and drive to keep going, to complete all. He really is a work-a-holic and a busy body skek.

20. Has your character(s) changed over the time that you have been playing them? How have they changed?

Not yet but I am sure he will, creative liberties will be taken since I only have a a episode or two to work with -am I right?

About You!

1. What is your name?

Jesse.

2. What is your profession?

secret shit.

3. What do you do to relax?

I write. Play video games. Naps are divine. Hot coffee and watch YT videos. DOodle. Desert combing walks. Long hot baths. Organize things xD

4. What is your favorite treat (desert)?

All kinds, I’m not picky. I love me some chocolate lately.

5. Favorite movie

Too many to list. Its October right now. All I want is Hocus Pocus, some Harry Potter and Practical Magick at the moment. Tis the season.

6. Favorite book

I do not think I have a favorite. BUT I will admit that I have a copy of The Dark Crystal that I STOLE FROM A LIBRARY YEARS AGO! I have kept it all this time, its falling apart and its aged with beauty and I adore it ❤ I also have a Jim Henson book about puppetry and his works, there is a page from TDC and if my memory serves me right it has the concept art of skekGra in it sooo sooo I was looking at skekGra YEARS AGO AND HAD NO CLUE the conjunction that would line up in the future! I really neeed to go find this book but its in a storage shed that will be a fresh hell to get to =[ *

7. Favorite vacation spot

Anywhere where its either very green and or by some body of water. Ocean, river, lake. Yes, good. -not very many humans around save for present company reading thiiiis.

8. Favorite Disney movie

Are you kidding me? Too many to list, although I will say The Sword In The Stone did play a part in Gra’s Crystal Skimmer named Archimedes after the grouchy old owl.

9. How did you first get into role playing?

Years ago. I started writing on face book. I wrote for a pirate believe it or not, he was my first muse and he holds special place in my black heart and probably always will. But I am disinclined to acquiesce the gift of further details about this scurvy cursed muse, Ha!

10. What was your first platform? If it was something other than Tumblr, what made you get into Tumblr?

It was face book, before they got all crazy about accounts and security. I moved over to tumblr because writers were incredibly rude and rapid fire RP-ers. One liner sentences and I’m like NOPE I need a novel length.

11. What’s a grammar rule you find yourself breaking or ignoring a lot?

Sometimes I have a touch of dyslexia, sometimes I typo, sometimes I am too tired to proof read, sometimes I make blunders. But I tend to focus on my mistakes rather then other peoples. I just go with the flow, I just write no matter what their level of ‘proper grammar’ IS because I’d like to think that maybe they are just starting out, maybe they will fall in love with writing and maybe they will be the next author who creates a world we all fall in love with and want to immerse ourselves in.

12. Are there any languages besides English in which you think you could comfortably roleplay?

I do not RP in other languages. However I did have a muse at one time who was French, I would throw in little phrases but it was never entirely done in French and I do have a British muse at the moment, so again I will use slang and little sayings to make them well rounded as best as I can. Those are just little details I like to include that many others might skip on but I thrive for deets.

I do however have role play writing partners that are from ALL over the world which is amazing to me.

13. Do you listen to music while your write?

ALOT. I have tracks specifically for skekGra, that take me to his frame of mind. Even TDC soundtrack at times, the puppet show song and the blue flame part 2 are on replay a lot.

14. Are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer?

I am all over the place. My life is very hectic. I’d like to say its usually in the afternoon of evening for me, the house is settled down and things are silent but thats not always how it works out. Oftentimes I will sit down and write a reply or two, then dip to do mundane human things that adults do, then return back for a few more replies.

15. How does tiredness affect your writing?

Kills it. The weekends I work long hours therefor my brain is like WHAAAT.

16. What is your biggest obstacle to writing every day, if time doesn’t count?

It is always TIME. Sometimes stress levels can be an obstacle too, no lie. If something major is going on, I just throw my hands up like ‘I got nothin’’ and thats that.

17. How many drafts is a paralyzing amount?

Oh damn. Been there done that. I am much more picky about it nowadays. I try to limit skekGra to a certain number of replies because he also has to allow room for other muses.

Currently: Gra has ten replies on tumblr -no actually 11 &&& 4 on discord. I am two shakes away from cutting HIM OFF! lol.

18. Is there anything character-wise or writing style-wise that you can’t stand?

I’m open to different characters, I have written with a lot. I love a writer who has style, I appreciate the effort.

Etiquette, manners and consideration are oftentimes LACKING as of late.

19. What kind of anonymous questions are your favorite?

ANYTHING as long as it is not anon HATE.

20. What is your weakest point in writing? Angst, fluff, dialogue, etc.?

T I M E not having enough time to write the angst fluff and dialogue, smut too lets be real. It really is a bummer to me when I do not have the time, I work, I have a a lotta responsibilities, my life is like a hurricane a lot of the time so TIME is my weakness, oftentimes I am super J E L L O of people who are online all day, every day, always there I’m envious and I get writers FOMO which makes me laugh but its so damn true I could ugly laugh cry about it.

#OOC: Post Is Out Of Character #||| Just a lil get to know me thingy |||#the dark crystal #tdc age of resistance #skeksis #skekgra #skekgra the conqueror #skekgra the heretic

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iredreamer · 5 years ago

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Thank you so much for your insights on Anne's life and the details of social norms back then! I really enjoyed reading your posts, and it's absolutely fascinating! I have seen some controversy around her relationship with Ann. Aside from the show of course, what is your perspective on their relationship?(I have read in a couple of places that Anne kind of just "settled" for Ann and her heart really lied with Mariana) So I was wondering, as someone who read about both the Ann(e)s what you think?

hey :) I’m finally answering you! Thank you so much, I’m happy you’re enjoying the history facts haha.

Okay, this turned out to be waaaay longer than I thought, so grab a cup of coffee (or tea I guess) and sit comfortably!

First of all, I think this is a difficult answer because I do feel like everyone could elaborate their own opinion on the matter, and at the end we would never know were the truth really lies. To have some kind of unbiased opinion one should read every single entry of Anne’s diary about Miss Walker and Mariana and compare how she acts with both of them and how she writes about them, and of course that can’t be done (at least for now) so…this is my opinion and it’s of course based on what I have read (my sources: Gentleman Jack: The Real Anne Lister; Presenting the past: Anne Lister of Halifax, 1791-1840; Nature’s Domain: Anne Lister and the Landscape of Desire and Female Fortune: Land, Gender and Authority: The Anne Lister Diaries and Other writings). We should also consider that these two women [Walker and M] were really different from each other and Anne meets them in two very different moments of her life, when she meets Mariana she’s in her 20s and when she meets Ann she’s 41, in twenty years a person changes, their priorities change and even the way of showing love and affection changes.

Okay, now, about the Mariana-Anne-Ann thing…I already wrote something about the matter and you can find it here, it summarizes a little what I think about Anne & Ann’s relationship and also has some facts about how things went between them and with Mariana.

I also posted some extracts from Anne’s 1832 diary in which she says more than once that she feels like she’s falling in love with Miss Walker and that: “I really am getting much more in love than I expected to be again”. So let’s debunk the myth that she didn’t give a flying fuck about Ann Walker.

Now, let’s dive in, I have many thoughts about all of this and I tried to organize them as best as I could but I probably failed, so this might be a bit of a rant and all over the place, I hope you enjoy reading it anyway! And, one more thing, most of this long rant focuses on the Ann(e)s relationship and what are (some of) the things and facts that make me think that they did love each other and that Anne Lister did care about Miss Walker. Here we go…

Anne Lister wanted a wife. She says it many many times. She’s always writing how she wants someone to spend her life with, and when she comes back to Shibden at 41 she wants to settle down. She’s tired of all those women who used her for sex, company and sometimes even money without seriously committing to her (and yes, Mariana is one of those women). I love when at the beginning of Nature’s Domain Liddington writes that Anne Lister could have adapted the opening of Pride and Prejudice: “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in need of a good fortune must be in want of a wife”. So, she was in search of a wife…

In 19th century marriage was a “legal agreement”, you didn’t marry for love but for money, so, yes, that’s what Anne was looking for in a woman: money and status, but also the desire of a happy life together. When she meets Ann and decides to court her she writes many times how she likes her company and how she wants to make her happy and how happy that would make her in return: “I really think I can make her happy & myself too”. And: “She [Miss Walker] falls into my views of things admirably. I believe I shall succeed with her - if I do, I will really try to make her happy - & I shall be thankful to heaven for the mercy of bringing me home, having first saved me from Vere, rid me of M-, & set me at liberty.” I think the fact that she was looking for happiness and thought she could really achieve it with Miss Walker is often overlooked and it shouldn’t be, it’s an important fact.

One of the things that struck me while reading Anne’s diary is that, when things don’t go as she planned, she writes again and again how she doesn’t care about Miss Walker, how she doesn’t care how things will turn out in the end, how she doesn’t care if Ann decides to commit to her or not, but her actions and her behavior conflict with all that. It seems as if she’s trying to convince herself that she doesn’t care, to protect herself from going through another heartbreak. This is an example, Ann had to give Anne a final answer about their commitment, Anne writes:

November 2, 1832 / We fretted ourselves to sleep last night - she lay on me as usual to warm her stomach & then lay in my arms – but I was perfectly quiet & never touched her queer – the tears silently trickling from my cheeks down hers. Somehow I was shockingly attendri [softened] tho’ perpetually saying to myself ‘Well, I care not how she decides…’. On awaking found myself as tearful as ever (…) We wept (& kissed) – I thanked her & she left me. (…) Both of us attendries & the tears starting perpetually I said my mind was made up for the worst – she said ‘Well, but she had not given her answer yet’…. She would (& did) mend my gloves – begged me to promise to let her have a night-chemise for a pattern – but she saw I declined promising. She hoped she should do many more things for me – never knew till now how much she was attached to me. I made no reply… she hung upon me & cried & sobbed aloud at parting… ‘Well’, said I to myself as I walked off, ‘a pretty scene we have had, but surely I care not much & shall take my time of suspense very quietly & be easily reconciled either way’.

The most important fact (I think) that gives us some insight on how Anne felt about Miss Walker, is that Anne was the only one who genuinely cared about Ann’s health. Anne Walker’s mental health was really bad but Anne stayed close to Miss Walker and helped her for months, trying to make her feel better, trying to restore her health. At that time the engagement was off, so it’s not like she [Anne Lister] was acting like that because she hoped her kindness would convince Ann Walker to marry her, it’s not like she was doing it for the money, she was doing it because Ann needed her. In her diary she says how the situation is unbearable for her, but still, she doesn’t leave Ann’s side. Why do this? It was all off, she didn’t have any obligation to look after Ann. Why take such responsibility? Why stay in a situation that threatened her happiness and mood if she didn’t care?

Anne Lister writes, again, how she doesn’t care about Miss Walker but then ends up crying when the thought of her crosses her mind: “Seeing her always unhinges me…I was low and in tears at dinner and could not get her out of my head and why? For if I had her what could I do with her?” Come on…it’s hard for me to think that the sadness she felt was only because things didn’t go as she planned, it’s hard for me to think that she cries only for the money. Do we really have to think her that cold? I think Anne couldn’t stay away from her really: “This girl, without really having my esteem or affection, somehow or other unhinges me whenever I see her…“.

When they see each other again, after being away from each other for 10 months (during that time they kept a correspondence even if it wasn’t a direct one), they are very happy to reunite and they end up together again: “Much talk last night till 4 this morning and then not asleep for a long while. She [Miss Wlaker] repented having left me”. Anne Walker starts talking about wanting to commit again and at the end they marry each other. Was their journey an easy one? No. Was it an happy one? Not always. But I do believe they cared for each other.

And I just wanna say, in those 10 months they spent apart, Anne Lister never tried to find a serious partner, she was always flirting and shit because that’s who she was, but she always wrote how she didn’t want to go too far with anyone and she just kept thinking about Ann Walker, even if she didn’t want to think about her, even if it was all off. She worried when letters about Ann Walker stopped coming. I mean, come on…

So, fast forward to their marriage and what happened after it. Mariana tried to tempt Anne but with no luck. Anne went to visit her for Christmas and this is what happened, from Anne Lister’s diary:

December 23, 1834 / I led the conversation to A- [Ann Walker]; said I liked [her], was more than comfortable and whatever might be said, money had nothing to do with it. M- [Mariana] asked if it was true that she has three thousand a year - I said no, but our fortunes would be about equal and that we should have five thousand a year… I was thankful things were as they were, for I was determined to have [some]one and certainly could not have done better.

December 25, 1834 / M- [Mariana] came to me a little before eight and staid till nine in bed with me - rather in the pathetics - she cannot get over her love for me - but I behaved with perfect propriety

Anne comes back home to Ann Walker (they were already living together, Ann Walker moved in at Shibden Hall after their marriage, going against her family) I think they’re cute:

December 26, 1834 / A- [Anne Walker] jumped up & came to me in her dressing gown & clock, delighted to see me back again - had given up in despair. Had tea - the 1st thing we did was to laugh aloud at her droll figure & the bustle I had made - explained, sat talking - told her I myself was astonished how little I had thought of M-, either of going or returning - very glad to be back again - mentioned how I had offered her the use of Shibden in the event of Charles’s death.

Reading her diary entries (from 1833 till 1836) it’s clear that she and Ann talked a lot, their sex life was great, Anne introduced Ann to her social circle, they had fun playing backgammon (fun fact: Ann Walker was really better at it than Anne Lister ahaha), and yeah, they were just like any other married couple. There were also bad things in their marriage: Anne Lister had to be the one introducing Ann Walker to new people, Anne Lister read all Ann Walker’s letters and always suggested how to answer, and more…

So, what’s the point of all this? I do think that Anne Lister cared and loved Ann Walker. For sure the relationship with Ann Walker was not the most romantic one she had, but it was the most serious one, they found each other. Both of them wanted a “traditional marriage” and by traditional marriage I mean a marriage in which the roles were very clear. Ann Walker wanted someone who could take care of the business estate, manage social relationships and basically “play the husband” and Anne Lister was more than happy to take on that role. They were polar opposites but they wanted the same things in life.

For sure their marriage wasn’t perfect, but Anne behaved as she did because she saw their union as a serious one, “she saw absolutely no reason why property should not be as important a consideration for Ann and herself as it would be in any heterosexual alliance.” [J. Liddington, Female Fortune] at the same time we shouldn’t forget that “she did often demonstrate a warm affection and care for Ann” [J. Liddington, Female Fortune].

About her relationship with Mariana, I haven’t read much of Anne’s entries about her, but from the little I’ve read and from various commentaries, I can say that she for sure loved her (and yes Mariana was her first real love and their relationship went on for something like 20 years). Mariana manipulated her and led her on for years. The two always talked about how when M’s husband died they would live together, but from 1830 Anne Lister kinda stops caring about it, she’s tired of the situation and hates to be second to anyone. Their relationship deteriorates with time. She even wrote about Mariana that their passion turned into friendship or something along those lines. If you wanna know more about Anne & Mariana’s relationship I really suggest watching this video of Helena Whitbread talking about it, it really sheds some light on their relationship, their dynamic and how badly Mariana hurt Anne.

What I believe: Anne’s love for Mariana was disinterested and wholeheartedly felt, there’s no doubt about that (I mean, she saw her when she was 19 and fell in love with her right in that moment), if Mariana hadn’t been the bitch she was, Ann Walker would have never came in the picture. But the truth is that Mariana was always ashamed of Anne, used her and kept her close, taking advantage of her love but never committing to her, always and only concerned about her status. So, in conclusion, I’m happy Anne found someone like Ann who was brave enough to be with her and make her as happy as she could, and I think that must have meant something in the end.

I hope this long thing I wrote gives you an idea of the dynamic between Anne and these two women. There’s for sure a lot more to say and to analyze and there are still many Anne Lister’s words that haven’t seen the light of day so, who knows what else is there to know about how she truly felt about these two.

And one more thing, I think we shouldn’t expect Anne Lister to be the romantic heroine we would like her to be, because she wasn’t. She was a flawed, not “very nice” woman who lived in the 19th century and tried to do all she could to be happy.

#ask #anon #gentleman jack #anne lister #ann walker #mariana lawton #me screaming about gentleman jack #this is long af #sorry #real people: anne lister #real people: ann walker #real people: mariana lawton #AL and AW: courtship #AL and AW: married life

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motherhenna · 5 years ago

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Writers Rants: Backstory

How to Smoothly Integrate a Character’s Past into the Narrative

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If you are even remotely interested in the process of writing, then you’ve probably heard this phrase at least a hundred times over: show, don’t tell. Such a vague sentiment, but hell if it doesn’t pack a punch. In fact, it’s probably one of the only “rules” of storytelling that ought to be followed as closely as possible and as often as possible—at least in my opinion. But what, exactly, does it mean? In layman’s terms, show don’t tell is a simple recommendation: that authors should actively illustrate a concept rather than passively explain it. Why? Simple. One leaves the reader more room for interpretation and draws them deeper into the action at hand, and the other just…well, tells them what to see and what to feel in the same way a set of DIY instructions describe how to make a quirky set of kitchen lights out of mason jars. While yes, you got a straightforward idea of what to expect, did you actually have fun reading it?

These basic concepts are important to understand if you consider yourself a writer of any kind, as they function as the foundation for a) improving your prose, b) strengthening your characters, and c) forming a flowing narrative that will catch and keep readers’ attention. And naturally, this also applies to the art of exposition.

Most people with even a cursory knowledge of telling a story know that characters should never be blank slates. If you have any desire to portray even a facsimile of real life, you have to put at least some effort into fleshing out the main characters. And when I say ‘flesh out’, I mean do more than just describing what they look like, a laundry list of personality traits, and what they’re wearing. I’m not going to go into this process deeply, as that’s a matter for another think-piece entirely, but it’s a starting point for the more convoluted parts to come. What I’m building up to is that your characters need a backstory, especially if they’re the one(s) through whom we, as readers, experience the story, i.e., the point of view (POV) character. This applies to both first- and third-person limited narratives, unless you’re going for a more anonymous / incidental narrator, like Mr. Lockwood in Wuthering Heights.

Now, these backstories don’t have to be a strict, detailed, chronological transcription of every year in that character’s life (though doing so certainly doesn’t hurt!) Rather, you should write it much like you would describe your own life if you had to plot it out on a timeline. At first, just stick with the most essential elements: where and when in history they were born, whether they have siblings or present family, and a simple list of significant events from various periods in their life. What specific things have most influenced who they are as a person, for good or ill? Next, it’s time to look at the family, since nothing impacts an individual more than how they were raised and how they were treated during their formative years. Were their parents present during their childhood? What was their parents’ relationship like before and after your character’s birth? Are they natives of the country in which the story is set, or did they immigrate—and if they immigrated, why did they do so? All of these and more are, to me at least, vital to developing a well-rounded and realistic character. I’ve even gone so far as to type out entire timelines for each character as well as their parents. Personalities, quirks, trauma—these are all just as hereditary as one’s genes, though this doesn’t mean that this inheritance has to be through blood. Nature vs. Nurture: they’re both equally important in the formation of an individual.

…So, what to do when you’ve finished all that? Do you dutifully transcribe it into the first chapter of your story? Absolutely not. Copy it into a separate document window and keep it there. A large chunk of this is for your benefit: most likely, less than half of it will make it into the written canon of the novel, and for good reason. All of that detailed history isn’t for the reader, it’s for you to use as a framework. Some of the most powerful elements to realistic characters are the unseen, the implied: all the hidden little things that lie just under the surface, but are never fully visible to the naked eye.

What a lot of inexperienced writers may not realize is that everything doesn’t always have to be stated unequivocally through dialogue or info-dumps. How often, in real life, do acquaintances explain upfront that this specific behavior they often exhibit is a result of how they were abandoned by their father and raised by an emotionally distant mother? Most people don’t psychoanalyze everything, nor do we ourselves do it to others—at least not often! Plus, it’s boring. Getting to know characters over the course of a story should be comparable to meeting a new friend. You find out the surface things at first, but pick up bits and pieces along the way that hint at what lies deeper inside. Little by little, you learn about their family, their hopes, dreams, fears…not always directly, and sometimes even in spite of their desire to keep up a front of normalcy.

With all this said, I think it’s become clear where I stand on backstory: it should be subtle, woven gradually into the narrative rather than stated by the character themselves or described by an omniscient narrator. Not only does this make the process of reading about it flow better and progress more naturally, it’s also far more interactive. Instead of being told why a character acts the way they do, the reader can catalogue said character’s actions, motivations, dialogue, and the way they interact with their surroundings, gradually putting the puzzle pieces together for themselves. In a sense, it’s almost a reward for those who read with a careful, inquisitive eye, and can be just as satisfying as solving a mystery before the detective does in a murder mystery.

I’ve used—and will continue to use—a lot of metaphors in this section because it’s the most thorough way I can to explain this process and why it’s so important. That being said, I approach backstory in the same way I might organize a scavenger hunt. It’s not about a treasure map, but rather an ongoing set of little discoveries without which the ultimate prize can never be found. But in keeping with this analogy, why would anyone want to take part in this if a) they’re just given the prize’s location outright, or b) don’t really care about the prize anyway?

When you’re straight-up told about character’s backstory within the first few chapters, there’s no groundwork for investment. Why should I care about this character’s history if I don’t even know them yet? Investment is a gradual process, and ought to be an interactive process too. One of the best strategies of implying backstory without stating it directly is illustrating how a character reacts to specific triggers. Yes, you can tell the reader in the character’s introductory paragraph that he was almost killed in a house fire as a child, which still haunts him to this day—but how else can you impart this information more effectively and poignantly? For some examples, he might…

Be too frightened to turn on the stove.

Avoid any type of matches or aerosol at all costs.

Get anxious when filling up his car at gas stations.

Constantly check and re-check the smoke detectors throughout his apartment

Panic when he smells her neighbor’s lit fireplace.

Why would we need to explain to readers what made him this way when we have all the evidence we need to figure it out for ourselves? Of course, there’s nothing wrong with, later on down the line, this character actively opening up about this trauma to a friend or therapist, as this is only natural and also supplies us with details we would have never known otherwise. This just shouldn’t be the first way we find it out.

Another efficient and interesting approach to gradual backstory incorporation is through dialogue. The way a character responds to nosy questions, criticisms, or simple observations tell a lot about the kind of people they are and how they’re coping (or not coping) with potentially painful parts of their personal histories / insecurities. For example, Character A can ask Character B, “Why don’t you want to go out tonight?” In truth, B is trying to back out of these plans because she can’t fit into a dress she was supposed to wear for the party, and is trying desperately not fall back into the pit dug by the various eating disorders she has suffered from since adolescence. She is afraid her friends will want to take group pictures, or remark on what’s she’s eating or not eating, or notice the extra pudge in her stomach. She remembers how her mother would chide her for eating second helpings when she was young, or all the times her ex called her fat. But B is not going to be capable of explaining all of this to her partner. So how does she respond?

1. “I just…feel tired all of a sudden…but don’t let me keep you from going. I don’t want to spoil your night.” Implication: saving face—she doesn’t want to reveal her real insecurities, so she uses a physical illness as a cover story.

2. “What’s it to you? If this stupid party so important to you, then you can just go without me!” Implication: defensiveness—she is uncomfortable being vulnerable, and lashes out instead.

Now obviously these are just two examples of a plethora of different responses a person might have to a question like this. But what matters is that each answer should give the reader some sort of information as to why said character reacts the way they do. And these reactions don’t have to have traumatic roots, either! Perhaps, because Character C’s older sister always encouraged them to stick up for and respect themselves, C is able to take that positive reinforcement and pay it forward, inspired to protect others who may not know how to protect themselves. Positive change ripples and spreads just as much as negativity, and should never be discounted just because a character has gone through their fair share of tragedy, too.

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In short, there is nothing simple or easy about creative writing—there is so much nuance involved in every aspect, though that shouldn’t discourage newcomers from experimenting and taking everything step by step. There are no absolutes in writing, and every rule can be challenged, so take what I say with a grain of salt. But still, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of backstory when developing strong characters, nor how much more natural a narrative will feel when these things are integrated with subtlety and grace. Your characters should never be objects, concepts, or a means to an end: if you want to make them seem real to your readers, then they must first seem real to you.

...And real people all have their own stories: to find them, all you have to do is watch and listen.

#writing tips #creative writing #writing advice #I wrote this like six months ago but forgot to post it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#motherhenna

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hydra-collector · 4 years ago

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Let Me Go (Special)

AO3

Let Me Go

Pairings: Intrulogical, platonic Analogical

Characters: Logan Sanders, Remus Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Janus Sanders (small character)

TW: lots of self-deprecation, sex mention

Words: 1838

Summary: Backstory to Logan and Remus’s relationship in sophomore year.

Note: I wanted to write this for a while, but I mostly wrote it now because I needed an excuse to make a series out of this and boost it on AO3. Still not sure if it’s gonna work.

They just look so soft.

Logan desperately wanted to be with them. It wasn’t like anything he’d felt before. Sure, he’d had crushes, but Remus was on another level. It was odd, really, that he could be this infatuated with someone. Virgil had been trying to convince him to ask them out, but he couldn’t see why they’d want to date him. He was annoying, dumb, and ugly.

“C’mon, Logan. Do it.”

“Why would they accept?”

“Why do you think? They blush every time they see you. Y’all can’t even talk to each other anymore, you’re so in love.”

Logan and Remus had met last year, freshman. They’d argued back to the teacher, who decided to give them detention. Logan, however, believed that they’d made a strong point about the content of their learning in school (even though they suggested some… odd topics instead,) and he argued against the teacher as well.

That was the first time Logan Berry had gotten detention.

The second time was also for their sake, or rather, it was their fault. They’d passed a note to Logan, which simply read, “See you after school.” He obviously hadn’t understood what they meant until they started talking to him, out loud, randomly.

That was the second time the pair of them got detention.

Logan’s had been excused afterwards due to his explained circumstances, but that moment had released a bit of freedom in him. He’d gotten detention. He hadn’t followed the rules.

When he looked back, sitting in the middle of a nearly empty class with Remus next to him, their pretty face smiling, even in the crappy classroom’s lighting, just seeing the eyes and the person and the lips that had brought him here-

He fell in love.

Remus and Logan became friends, and everything changed. They taught him risks and adventure, that life didn’t revolve around being perfect and doing things right. They’d gotten him out of the, so far, darkest point of his life. They’d taught him creativity and experimentation, that he could do more than what school said, or history said, or anything did. He could experiment with how many water balloons you could pile on top of one another before they popped. None of the experiments were perfect or particularly scientific, but god did he have fun.

He started going outside, taking trips to old record shops, thrift stores, and malls, just to see everything. Remus had even convinced him to break into some old mansions and trespass on abandoned train tracks together. He never once took a picture. It was all for his memory.

They’d been each other’s compliment, and listened to each other when no one else cared what they had to say. They could talk and talk and never get bored of each other, just keep listening or adding on to what the other was saying. Sometimes they wondered where all these conversations came from, when all the topics in the world seemed to have run out, but still there was something to say.

Disagreements were never fights. Never. It was always a discussion, talking about how “I’m right and this is why,” while the other tried to change their mind. No one’s ever was, but disagreement is what kept them from doing many stupid things.

And it didn’t last forever, as nothing does. But those were some of the happiest times of his teenage years.

Logan hadn’t realized until Janus had told him that he was in fact, in love.

Remus had realized the moment they laid eyes on Logan and savored every minute they spent together after. They didn’t want to ruin the wonderful platonic relationship they had. And besides, Logan had friends who would convince him to confess if he felt the same way.

Virgil was right about barely being able to talk to each other. Ever since Janus had pointed out his obvious feelings, he’d been especially awkward. He hated it. He knew he should confess in order to retain a steady relationship, platonic or romantic.

But how?

“How do you suggest I go about doing it? I’d like to retain a bit of… me, but being in love is probably a very unlike me kind of thing.”

“No, it is not, Logan. You’ve had crushes on like, six people since I met you.”

“It’s different, though.”

“Why not just tell them ‘I love you?’ It’s simple and obvious and fits your style.”

“What if they take it the wrong way, assume it’s platonic?”

“I guess that could happen. What’s something that’s obviously romantic? ‘I wanna date you?’”

“It sounds odd, though.”

“Wow, picky?”

“I mean, it could work, but I’d rather something more memorable or meaningful.”

“I wanna fuck you?”

Logan tensed. “Ah, um, I’d rather, no.”

“Okay, okay. Do you want to kiss them?”

He thought for a moment, imagining their face, and the love he felt for them, their beautiful eyes and soft cheeks, squishy belly he wished he had the permission to cuddle. The arms that made him nearly collapse because of the wonderful feeling their hugs brought him, their short stature compared to his, and their beautiful lips, out of which so many wonderful ideas and opinions spewed out. He wanted to kiss those lips.

“...Yes.”

“You could use that.”

“I think… maybe I will.”

Today.

Today he was going to tell them.

He’d invited them over to his house, where he imagined over and over telling them, all the ways they might react, especially the negative ways.

He could barely talk to Remus as they walked to his house together, just listening to the endless ideas they came up with. Each word made him love them more and more. Endless possibilities for how the scene may play out repeated over and over in his mind as he panicked internally, hoping they didn’t actually hate him like his brain said they did.

The cold air nipped at his nose and fingers, so he rubbed his hands together in a sad attempt to warm up.

“Cold hands, Lo?”

They took his hands and held them in previously gloved ones, which were still warm. They held them there, trading positions to better warm different fingers every few seconds. Logan felt the heat in his cheeks as well.

When they got inside, Remus went to Logan’s cupboard to grab and make two hot cocoa packets.

“That’s extremely unhealthy.”

Remus said nothing, simply adding another packet to their cup, watching Logan.

“Remus-”

He sighed and let it happen. That was the least of his worries now.

Logan’s heart beat as Remus brought their hot cocoas upstairs to his living room, where he’d planned to confess. They sat down on the couch, putting their arm around him when he did as well.

“Remus, I’ve been meaning to tell you about something.”

“Once you do, do you wanna talk about ancient sea creatures? I read a really good article. Hey, are you alright?”

Logan was shaking with fear, excitement, anticipation, anxiety, everything one could be shaking with.

“Y-yeah.”

“Tell me what you were gonna say. I’m curious.”

What if they hate you? What if they don’t want to be your friend anymore? What if they think it’s weird to date if your asexual? How could they even love you when you are who you are?

He took a deep breath, hoping for the best.

“I want to kiss you.”

“Say no more.”

And Logan had been kissed.

Whatever scenarios ran through his head, this wasn’t one of them. There was one where they’d talked about relationships, one where they agreed and awkwardly asked to and then kissed, one where he was flat-out rejected, one where they thought it was a joke, but nothing like this. Where they just kiss him. He was glad it happened that way.

Logan had expected some kind of verbal reaction, at least. Something like “me too,” or a flirt, at least. But no, just “say no more.” And now he was kissing Remus.

He hadn’t expected to ever reach this point. To be kissing someone he really liked. He wished it would last longer than he knew it would.

He could always kiss them again.

After the few seconds their first kiss had been, both were blushing severely, broken apart. Neither of them said anything, so Logan took his chance to kiss them again. Remus wouldn’t have taken them for someone to initiate a kiss. They weren’t mad, though.

“Thanks.”

What?

“You’re welcome, I guess.”

They laughed it off and spent the next hour discussing the relationships of sea creatures. Probably to avoid talking about their own.

At first, nothing changed much. They still went out on ‘adventures’ together, had the same conversations, interacted with their other friends the same way, and more or less thought of each other the same as they had before.

Logan asked Remus on their first date.

They couldn’t ignore what’d happened forever, and while they weren’t against discussing it, it hadn’t come up naturally. Logan proposed it as a chance to talk about what was to become of their relationship.

“Would you like to consistently date, Remus?”

“I’d enjoy that.”

“My being asexual isn’t a problem?”

“Nah,” they sipped their coffee, “I fell in love with you anyway.”

That was a relief.

“What should we call ourselves, if anything?”

“At somepoint, probably partners. In crime.”

“Don’t remind me that that’s true.”

“I don’t know how I managed to get a date. ‘Specially with you. You’re so cute and all I do is talk about organs and weird creatures and make sex jokes.”

“I do that too, Remus. Usually not sex jokes, though. And I disagree, I’m quite ugly and frankly obnoxious to most people I meet. You’re pretty and lovable.”

“I suppose I’m not most people you meet, then. And I can’t even begin to explain how cute you are. Your glasses make it perfect.”

Logan asked Remus on most of the dates, mostly because wherever they would ask him was illegal or paid, often museums. Logan savored these days.

As they went on more dates, kissed more openly, cuddled more often, the consideration of each other changed from ‘dating’ to ‘partner’ and ‘boyfriend.’ The first time Remus gave Logan a pet name, he was initially adverse to it, but warmed up to them as they kept saying them. After a while, they probably used it more than his real name. He still refused to return affection in this form, however. Remus was sure he someday would (he denied it.)

They were happy together. Janus was glad to see Logan had expressed his emotions, for once, and it led to a lot more happiness. It wasn’t always going to be as happy as it was that year, but he had someone as close as a romantic partner to help him through it. A few years later, he would make decisions he’d later regret, but there was no regret for confessing his love that day.

And sophomore year, those two best friends became partners.

#sanders sides #sanders side fic #logan sanders #remus sanders #intrulogical #ts logan #ts remus #sanders sides fanfiction #ts sides fanfiction #tw sex mention #lmao the first part isnt bad and then it all went to shit #tw self deprecation #kissing #idfk waht im doing anymroe #platonic analogical #grays fics #let me go #tw cussing

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meanderingthoughts · 4 years ago

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Our relationship with social media and the internet

Social media is something that has made a huge impact on every single one of us from the days of Myspace to the recent surge of people using platforms like tiktok and Instagram. People have used it for good and have used it for bad. We use it to find out the latest events being held in our towns, to make friends, to reconnect with old friends, to find partners and to learn new skills. We have also used it to belittle other people, to argue, to make underhanded remarks and sometimes just to be nasty because we can. I use ‘we’ as a general we as I know many people that don’t use it for the latter. Perhaps without even knowing it we have made ourselves feel bad, we see someone we once knew posting about their wedding, house, job and new baby (I have been guilty of this) and have the rising jealousy overtake me, I know I should feel happy about my old friend doing so well but I can’t help that little green monster creeping up on me telling me that it’s simply not fair. Perhaps those people may look at my Facebook and think ‘wow look at all the holidays she goes on she has an amazing life’ without ever seeing the story behind it. I for one have lost friends through social media, an argument that escalates (you know the ones) friends take sides and messages are exchanged without ever leaving the living room or seeing each other face to face. I’ve even seen relationships fall apart on social media. On Instagram people are using it to compare lives, bodies, who has the best house, who travels to the best places. On twitter people use it to argue with each other or to troll someone because it’s easy to do that kind of thing behind the computer. Yes social media can be used for good but it can also be used for bad to. There’s a love/ hate relationship we must balance when it comes to our use of the internet and our time spent using it. I have never balanced the line of using it myself and with the current crisis, more than ever I am using it in a way that is triggering my anxiety. I am continuously checking twitter for updates on covid-19 or news websites. For every positive news I hear about the reducing number of deaths or the news about the vaccine I search for bad news about how many people my age have died or that the vaccine trial has not been successful. Of course comes the curse of unverified news and ‘fake’ news. Only the other day I saw an article stating that the Oxford vaccine trials were unsuccessful or that the first participant had died. In fact neither were true. The participant is still alive and although the trials of the vaccine didn’t prevent the monkeys developing covid it did in fact prevent pneumonia and reduced the worst of the symptoms greatly which is a success in itself. In fact they are now moving onto the next trials and have done a deal with a major pharmaceutical company. Social media and ‘false’ news can greatly damage our mental health. I recently watched a video by youtuber Matt D’Avella about his use of social media. Unlike Matt I haven’t got a problem using sites like Instagram, in fact Instagram reduces my anxiety as I scroll through travel photos and post my own photos. I’ve never had a jealous mentality whilst using it. Another site that has helped me has been YouTube, I don’t think I would have never come out if it wasn’t for lgbt+ youtubers. Facebook is love/hate for me, I have deleted most negative people on there and now mainly uses it to keep in contact with people. Twitter on the other hand have provided countless anxiety from seeing post about the current covid situation to people arguing, I have even been trolled on there. So like Matt I will try for a week to stop using the internet to look for news and scrolling through twitter. I will try and cut time down on Facebook but will keep messenger, Instagram and YouTube as my main source of internet usage. It will be interesting to see if my anxiety gets better or worse. Maybe you can try and cut down on the parts of the internet that make you feel worse. Why don’t you take the challenge? 1 week without one site or social media that makes you feel worse. Vicky // Meandering thoughts Find me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/MeanderingVicky and Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/_meanderingthoughts_/ Find Matts video here:

youtube

#anxiety #depression #social media #matt d'avella #youtube #facebook #news #fake news #mental health

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heartsofstrangers · 5 years ago

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What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“I think it’s right now living here in America, far away from my family, my boyfriend, my country, from everything I used to live for my past twenty-three years. I am here in a new world, only for a month. It’s hard because I have to spend a full year here. I’m trying to make it easy, if I can say that.”

What brought you to the United States?

“I came here because I graduated in May and they asked me if I wanted to work at Yale School of Medicine. I said yes because I thought it was a good opportunity for me—this job—for my cultural development. I am currently working as a researcher.”

What was that point like in your life when you were deciding to come to the United States for a year?

“I was excited because in my mind I only saw the United States in pictures and videos. It’s all like heaven here; I don’t know why they think that. I was scared because I would be alone, and I knew that, but I wanted to try because if I didn’t try I couldn’t say I liked it or I didn’t like it. If I never came here, maybe at some point in my life, I would regret it. I preferred to not be happy at the end, but at least I did it, and not coming here, feeling worse because I never came here. Does that make sense?”

You must have had to have conversations with your friends and family.

“I decided by myself and said yes. I talked to everybody because it’s a great opportunity that would come once in a life to work at Yale. I said yes because of the big opportunity. I knew in my mind that my family and everyone who knows me would be okay with the decision, so I wasn’t afraid to say yes.”

What was your biggest fear coming to the United States for a year?

“It was to be getting shot, because everyone is allowed to have a gun here. In Italy, it’s not allowed. Everyone told me not to go in that part of the city because it’s dangerous because everyone has a gun, but I know the limits to where I can and can’t walk. If I walk in a dangerous part of Rome or Milan, I am safe 100 percent because I know for sure they don’t have a gun. If they are crazy or aggressive, I can protect myself better because they are harmless. I think giving guns to people is increasing the dangers, even in a small way. Everyone has the same power to kill somebody and it is scary for me. Every time I walk around, I am looking with like fifty eyes behind and ahead. I just walk and don’t annoy anyone because I’m afraid. It’s sad to say, but it’s the idea I have because they told me that New Haven is a dangerous place to stay and I idealized in my mind because everyone has a gun and everyone is able to damage people.”

I’m sure you must have seen news coverage of all the shootings, not just in New Haven, but all over the US.

“Yeah, I know.”

Shooters coming into schools, movie theaters, and concerts. How is that looked at from your standpoint being from Italy?

“It’s something that, I don’t know, because in Italy and in all of Europe, it’s not something you think about at all. Of course, there is terrorism and stuff like that. It’s one mad person in one thousand people. Here, you can give a gun to anybody, so everybody can have a gun. It makes no sense because if you shoot a person, you go to jail, but you are allowed to have a gun at home, for what? To defend yourself? From who? Anyone who has a gun? Just don’t give a gun and everyone will live in a safe way, and no one will worry about going out of their house and going out to have fun with their friends.”

Is your family concerned for your safety with you being here?

“Yes, they are very worried, but I told them that it’s all okay. I only go out of my house during the week to go to work. I hope I’m not in danger. I hope for me, for them, and everybody that knows me.”

Where did you grow up in Europe?

“In Italy, in Sardinia. It’s an island. It’s the second island of Italy. I lived in Sardinia. It is a quiet place to stay. It’s different from the rest of Italy because it’s isolated, so we are in a little world to ourselves. We are surrounded by beaches and the sea. We are a summer paradise for the full year, even when it’s winter. We are more quiet people. There are no big cities. Compared to the big cities in Italy, it’s a small world. It’s a quiet island. Maybe because I grew up there, I see everything bigger and everything is too much.”

How old were you when you left that town or that place?

“It was last month.”

Oh, it was last month. So, you grew up there and stayed there?

“Yes. I stayed for five years in the main city, but I’m from a little town on the west coast of Sardinia.”

Do you have brothers and sisters?

“No, I’m an only child. Maybe that’s why my family is so worried about me.”

What was growing up like for you?

“I grew up okay.”

What do your parents do?

“My dad drives trucks all around the island for shops. My mom is a, how do you say it? Not an architect, but like an architect.”

Is she a designer?

“The people who draw all the plans for houses and buildings, but not an architect. The one who only draws.”

A draftsman? A quantity surveyor . . . hmm. She draws the blueprints for architects.

“Yes.”

That’s an important job.

“I think it was most important in the past, but not now.”

Is she doing it on the computer now?

“No, I think she’s not doing it anymore because she left that job, and now she stays home.”

So, you’re in a relationship, right? You were in a relationship before you came here. What is his name?

“Luca.”

How did you meet Luca?

“In the library at my university where we were studying. We became friends first, then we stayed together, and now it’s been two and one-half years.”

What attracted you to Luca?

“His kindness. His eyes. His face. Everything. His body. His soul. His heart. Everything that makes me understand that he loves me. Everything.”

Did you talk to him first or did he talk to you first?

“I don’t’ remember, but I think we saw each other and said hi at the same time, and then we began to talk. It was kind of a natural thing to know people. At first, he was not my boyfriend, he was just my friend. I wasn’t thinking about it. It was easier to know a new boy at the beginning.”

Had you had boyfriends before that?

“Yes, but not serious ones.”

Do your parents know that you’re homosexual?

“Yes.”

What was that like, having that conversation?

“My mom always knew. She wanted to force it out of me and she would say, you have something to say, feel free to say it, and I said that I had nothing to say. I never spoke about it with my dad, but he knows and I know he loves me. He’s a quiet person and doesn’t talk too much. My mom just loves me. They know my boyfriend, so it’s okay.”

It must have been difficult to be in a relationship for that amount of time and then to put it on pause, put many miles between it, at least.

“It’s not on pause. We call each other every day and we text all day, every day. If I don’t think about the distance, it’s not so difficult to accept. The worst thing to accept is the lack of time because there is a six-hour difference. When I get out of work and I want to call him, I can’t because he’s already sleeping, because it’s too late there and we aren’t on the same time. So, that’s the most difficult thing I guess, not only the distance. We have to organize it to call each other. Sometimes he’s busy and I’m free, or I’m busy and he’s free, so there’s no common time. If we were on the same time, we would be free at the same hours and it would be easier.”

Are you able to Facetime?

“Yes. Facetime, Skype, Whatsapp, everything.”

Do you have any fears about your relationship withstanding a year apart?

“No, because I trust him and he trusts me. So, no, but it’s not a year. I will go back to Italy for Christmas. It will be like a deep breath inside the waiting room. I want to spend many days over the holidays because I want to spend most of them with him. Of course, with my family also, but my first thought is him.”

So, you’re not scared because you trust each other. Did you just naturally trust him or was it something the two of you built together somehow?

“Both. We tell each other everything and, at the beginning, of course, it was different than now. I can say that I love him more than yesterday and I trust him more than yesterday, and tomorrow maybe I will love and trust him more than today. It’s something that’s growing, and you have to build it together, not in one direction because it would be useless without an endpoint. I can say that I’m happy with him and we are both waiting to be together again. After, we will be stronger together for sure, and our relationship will be more beautiful than now. That is my wish and what I hope.”

What do you think the secret is to building trust?

“Not to have secrets between you and your partner. Just tell them everything and if you want to say something, just be honest and ask, and try to find a compromise if there is . . . maybe you have opposite thoughts. It’s not a yes or a no, but you have to find a maybe. It’s not black or white. You have to find your gray. The important thing is that you both have to stay happy. If one is not happy, you don’t do anything and everything, because it’s useless and it will affect your relationship because it’s only one way. You have to be secure, both of you, and be happy at the same level, not one more than the other.”

Do you think it’s your responsibility to make the other person happy in a relationship?

“Yes, he’s happy because I am what I am. I’m not doing anything special. I feel flattered at the same time and I feel free to be me because I know that he’s happy and he always tells me.”

So, just being yourself and making sure that you’re happy benefits your relationship.

“Yes.”

That makes sense.

“Otherwise he will not be in love with me, but with someone else.”

If you stop being true to yourself and doing what makes you happy, you’ll be unhappy, which will make the relationship not balanced, and then the other person will not be attracted to what they were initially attracted to.

“Yes.”

That makes sense. So, you came here to the States. How long have you been here so far?

“A month.”

What’s one of the most difficult things that you’re finding in this first month of being here?

“Food”.

What do you mean?

“I can’t find some foods here that I easily find in Italy. If I find them, they have a different taste. They are not the same. Maybe the lack of friends, cultural things, like when you go out for the weekend, you do something that you don’t do in Italy because you think it may be in the afternoon, not in the night. It’s a cultural thing. It’s hard to explain. I have to find out this thing because it’s only a month. Maybe I will discover more, if I stay more. The impression of a small town. Maybe if I go to New York City, it will be totally different on the weekends and during the nights. Maybe there are more opportunities that I don’t find in a small town.”

Are you finding it challenging to make friends here? What is that experience like for you?

“Yeah. I am trying to make friends. Unfortunately, I have to go through the app because it’s the fastest way to find someone that has your interests, but I have to say that there are more people interested in dates than finding someone to hang out with. They want to hook up and not make friends, and if you say I am looking for friends, they will not respond to you because it’s not for that app. You have to say okay, whatever, next. It’s a sad way to make friends, because you are choosing the people you want to be your friends only for the esthetics. If you want to make friends, you have to give everybody a chance, but it’s difficult. I hope maybe I will be introduced to someone through one person and then it will go easy. It’s what I hope for me. I want to meet someone I can trust, and then he will introduce me to his friends, and then I will meet people in a sure way. It’s the common way to know people.”

What are some of the ways you cope with going through this transition in your life when you may be feeling lonely or homesick? How do you cope with that?

“How can I avoid this?”

How do you make yourself feel better when you’re experiencing that?

“I just call my boyfriend. I put some music in my ears. I go to YouTube and search for funny videos, and I sleep. Maybe I go to work and just think about the work, but it can be okay for the week. On the weekend, when you’re not seeing anyone at work and you’re alone at your house, your thoughts speak for you and it’s too much to handle, so you have to be more strong when you’re lonely. I think you have to fight back.”

What advice would you offer to somebody else who may be going through a big change in their life or about to make a big change in their life, say to move to another state, to a new country, or to take a new opportunity? If someone you knew was about to experience a big change, what would you suggest to them?

“To be strong. To cry when he or she wants to cry because it’s liberating. Accept the new life, take and find all the positive things you are able to find. Live your new life and enjoy everything. If you feel sad, listen to your favorite music, go for a walk, or maybe go to the gym or run to avoid bad thoughts and focus on something you like. I think it will be only the first period, and it will get easier, and you will not realize that you are staying in the new country. The time just flies away.”

You mentioned music a few times. Is there a particular kind of music that comforts you?

“Yes.”

What is it?

“Pop music.”

Pop music? Any artist in particular?

“Yes. Lady Gaga.”

Why Lady Gaga?

“Because if you look at the lyrics of her songs, they are meaningful, liberating, and they set you free every time you hear her songs. I can hear her songs a thousand times, and I cannot be tired ever. I watch her videos, concerts, and DVDs, and I am more happy than before. I think she’s a great artist, and she doesn’t realize it. Maybe she thinks she’s only doing music, but she’s not. I can be thankful to her because it’s good to have someone who doesn’t know you and is doing a lot for you, and doesn’t even know it, doing a thing that is natural for her—singing, I mean. It’s something that can make your bad thoughts go away. I can be thankful to her for that. Music, in general, every kind of music, can set you free, and you can be more confident with your new life and situation.”

Do you think music can help you connect to your feelings and emotions?

“Yes, of course.”

Are you learning anything about yourself over this past month or so?

“Yes. In my person, I can say that yes, maybe I have to be more patient, more strong, and I am learning that life is not easy. I am experiencing maybe not the worst, but the most difficult way to live a new life. I mean, I just graduated, I’m away from my family, working a job away from my country, and living alone here. If I ever found a job in Italy, maybe it would be easier, even if it was far away from my family, because it would only be a one-hour flight from home. But, I’m on the opposite side of the world and, if I want to go home, if I want to go tomorrow, I can’t because it’s too expensive and you need more organization to do that. You have to think about when you want to go and, of course, you can’t go when you want because you are working here, so you have your standard days so you can’t just go away from work. I want this work and I don’t want to mess up things because I want to go home. The time will come when I can go home. It’s not too much time, it’s just five months. The first month just passed. I am staying for a year and I want to break this year into two, going back to Italy for Christmas. I can handle it; it’s not forever.”

It’s a good way to look at it.

“Yeah.”

It sounds like you will appreciate being back home even more so, having done this.

“Yes, maybe I will miss something that I don’t have here and I have every time there and I didn’t realize it. Maybe I will look at something I’m just not giving the right attention to. I think it will happen.”

Do you have a favorite song lyric from one of Lady Gaga’s songs that is meaningful to you?

“Yes. Maybe at this time in this period, the song, Marry in the Night, because it’s difficult to accept your dark times and you just have to marry them. One lyric says ‘I’m a soldier to my own emptiness. I am a winner.’ It gives you power. If Gaga did that or maybe she passed through it before me, maybe it concerned her, I don’t know. I can translate these lyrics in my situation and just fight for that, and my darkness and my night. I will do it. Maybe, I’ll be more powerful than now.”

So, there’s strength in embracing your darkness.

“Yes. Not only be surrounded by the darkness, but accept it and make your own light if you accept it. I think you have to find your own light inside and fight back this darkness. It’s not a darkness . . . I’m speaking like it’s a bad thing, but it’s a different thing that scares me. I want to fight back and become a winner, and be more confident the next time I come to the USA about the life here and everything. Now, I am looking because I’m surrounded by feelings, and it’s not so bad at all. I have to discover things, yes, to improve myself.”

How has it felt to share these thoughts and feelings with me today?

“Liberating, yes.”

Do you think that by sharing these thoughts and feelings with me today, knowing that someone else may read or hear this, you could be bringing someone else some hope or inspiration?

“I hope for them, yes, and I am thankful if I can, yes. I hope.”

#sexulaity #loneliness #connection #foreign

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onisionhurtspeople · 6 years ago

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The Spiral of Narcissistic Abuse: Onision Edition

I originally wrote this post in April 2017, but in the year and a half since it’s been published, there have been literally dozens of new victims targeted by Greg (Onision) and his wife Lainey (Laineybot) that I felt were severe enough to warrant inclusion; and so here I am to re-write this post to include this new information.

1. “Love Bombing”: Display of excessive attention and professions of deep love. “Soul mate.”

Love bombing is the practice of overwhelming a person in a new relationship with signs of adoration and attraction in the form of gifts, compliments, meaningful gestures, discussions revolving around long-term future plans (marriage, children, vacations, etc), and professions of true love. The difference between love bombing and genuine love is that real love is earned over time through intimacy, trust, and consistency, whereas love bombing creates artificial feelings of intimacy that have not yet been earned.

Greg routinely engages in love-bombing when it comes to either a) trying to lure in new victims, or b) making attempts to reel in previous victims (such as exes), or current victims who are becoming disillusioned with him and beginning to pull away. In 2015, after Greg had convinced his wife Lainey to “explore her bisexuality” by getting a girlfriend, she had settled on an 18-year-old YouTube personality and makeup guru named Billie, and flew her down to their house for a visit. What Greg neglected to tell Lainey was that he had ulterior motives for pushing her to get a girlfriend, and this was because he wanted to convince Lainey and whoever her girlfriend was to enter a three-way, polyamorous triad with him. While Billie was there, in an attempt to draw her in, Greg showered her with gifts, compliments, and an excessive amount of attention and admiration; according to him, he paid her $1800 a month to manage his social media accounts, spent thousands of dollars buying her gifts of makeup and clothing, and his videos were full of glowing compliments towards Billie.

He tweeted this at Billie after she managed to “fix” a broken camera lens by throwing it on the ground. He screams at his own children just for losing at Mario Kart, could you imagine Onision having this reaction to anybody else treating his expensive equipment that way?

Every time he and Lainey broke up with Billie (usually because she refused to go along with their bizarrely strict and controlling expectations for her behavioral conduct, such as having to ask their permission before smoking weed - and yes, you read that correctly; the problem was not that she was smoking weed because it was illegal (as Greg and Lainey had originally claimed), the problem was that she didn’t ask their permission before doing it), Greg would begin to reel Lainey back in by trying to love bomb her again. This comment was made just two days after he’d cheated on Lainey with Billie, while she was pregnant with their second child:

…and every time they get back together, he begins love bombing Billie again, and ignoring Lainey. He is careful not to do this overtly on Twitter or Instagram like he does with Lainey, but during this time, he expends much more effort into communicating with Billie over Twitter and in videos than he does with Lainey. He is also very clearly more physically affectionate towards Billie in videos where the three of them appear together than he is with his own wife.

(And maybe this is just my unprofessional opinion, but the manner in which he compliments Lainey rings much more hollow and inauthentic to me than the compliments he used to give to Billie. It comes off as very rote and robotic, not genuine or sincere.)

2. Over-protection and isolation in the name of love. “We only need each other.”

One of the most common tactics that abusers use to control their victims is by isolating them from friends and family. They do this so that it’s harder for them to escape or see the truth of what’s happening to them. This behavior is manifested in ways such as convincing the victim to stay at home and not have a job, by controlling all of the money that flows through the household (including the victim’s money, if they DO have a job), and by slowly convincing the victim to stop talking to their friends and family members, because the narcissist “doesn’t think they’re good for [them]”. Without a sense of perspective or anybody from whom to gain a third-party point of view, it’s extremely difficult for the victim to objectively analyze the severity of the situation.

Throughout the history of his relationships, Greg follows this pattern with all of his partners to the tee. He makes repeated attempts to convince Billie to stop flying home to spend time with her friends and family members, who she is extremely close with.

Unbelievably, he attempts to manipulate her by bragging about how he’d already managed to successfully convince Lainey to not visit her own family more than once a year. In a livestream, Lainey once admitted that earlier this month (October 2018) was the first time she’s attended a family funeral in over five years, because Greg wouldn’t give her permission to go to any of the other ones. He also frequently attacks Lainey’s family on social media, as well as diminishing them in Lainey’s eyes by making his disapproval of them quite clear:

This is what he said about Lainey’s sister:

He especially does this to Lainey’s father, who saw through Greg from the very beginning, and desperately tried to stop his 17-year-old daughter from marrying him:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sAjnkASwOo

He also did this with Skye while they were still married, restricting her from seeing anybody but members of his own family, and members of her family that he approved of (which was basically just her younger sister, a 15-year-old girl who Greg admitted to fantasizing about having sex with, including (more than once) accidentally moaning her name while being intimate with Skye). A quote from his website at the time:

January 24th, 2007

Alright, so it has been a few days since Skye and I hung out with another couple… judging from the fact that these people were the only ones we knew that had a lifestyle that wasn’t drugged out, beered out (also known as drugged out), smoked out, ethically lacking, rude etc. and we can’t even enjoy ourselves around them as much as we do each other… I just really don’t see myself and Skye spending time with anyone in the future other than family…

It seems that everyone who isn’t blood related has something extremely wrong with them… it may not be apparent at first, like a used car, but when you get on the road with them, and get to know them, the clanks and pings begin to show, maybe not after the first few miles, but definitely after the second or third ride.

(Source)

This isolation of Skye got so bad that eventually, two of their friends actually tried to convince her to leave Greg:

January 27th, 2007

I was going to post something extremely long about how upset I am with two people I know, within my personal life - who are continuously trying to break my wife and I apart psychically and vocally… but I’m not going to as I believe it can only cause a greater level of drama, which is exactly what they feed on.

In fact, they probably know I’m talking about them right now, and are dialing my number just to tell me/others how wrong I am for my wife, and somehow by saying I love her every hour of the day, feeding her full of yummy food, trying to make her happy emotionally/other ways, putting a roof over her head, that in result of that I’m a bad husband.

(Source)

A former classmate of Greg, who had gone to high school with both he and Skye, also gave an interview with someguy827, in which he detailed his observations of Greg slowly but surely isolating Skye from all of her friends and family members:

You can read the interview here. (Source)

And read the comment that he made on lolcow here. (Source)

3. Power gained by social isolation and artificially inflated self-esteem. “I feel like a better person with I am with them.”

Greg has claimed this about every single one of his exes. I can’t track down photographic examples of him claiming this about all of them never mind, I managed to find examples of him saying this to at least three different women. Here’s an example of when he said it to ex-girlfriend Adrienne:

Keep in mind that they had been dating for a grand total of two weeks when he made the claim to her that she had helped him grow into a better person in the short amount of time they’d been together.

He made the same claim about a high school girlfriend, Tanya, whom - again - he had known for only a couple of weeks; and they were not even officially dating when he said this to her:

Here is another example of him saying this about his first wife, Skye - again, only weeks into their relationship. The journal entry this screenshot was lifted from is much longer and I was having trouble pasting it into the body of this text in a way that was readable, so here’s a very short, cropped version of what he said. You can find the source for this quote here. (Source)

At the end of his relationship with Adrienne - while they were in the process of breaking up - he called her repeatedly while she was at work, leaving her over a dozen voicemails in less than a day. During this time, Adrienne managed to get in touch with Shiloh, another of Greg’s exes, to compare notes about the similarities in their relationship. When Shiloh listened to the voicemails that Greg had sent to Adrienne, she posted this comment on Facebook:

He had been telling the two women, only hours apart from each other, about how special and meaningful they were to him. The saddest thing about this is that at the same time, he was also calling Skye; and this exchange between himself, Shiloh, and Adrienne occurred only days before he started talking to Lainey.

4. Creation of a feeling of dependency; induction of fear of the loss of relationship.

One of the ways that Greg likes to induce feelings of psychological dependence on him is through a tactic called “manipulation break-ups”. The phenomenon is explained here by dwayners13:

One of the most common tactics used by manipulative & emotionally abusive individuals is the ‘manipulation breakup’. This is simply when a person repeatedly breaks up with their partner, not because they truly want to end their relationship, but rather to gain power & control over their partner & the relationship in general. There are a variety of issues & events that can cause a manipulation breakup (far too many to list here), but it can range from their partner doing something they don’t like/approve of to the emotionally abusive person being confronted on their abusive/manipulative behavior (by their partner &/or their partner’s family/friends). [...] Instead of taking the time to discuss or even arguing about the issue in an attempt to resolve it, the person will just break up with them, knowing that their partner doesn’t want to break up. They will then refuse to speak with them about the issue (& the relationship in general), essentially shunning or ignoring their attempts. This can include ignoring phone calls, text messages, VMs etc.., If the couple live together, they will simply refuse to speak with their partner (aka the silent treatment). Their intention is to make it seem like the relationship is over, so that the person will practically beg & plead with their partner & be willing to agree to anything in order to get back together.

(Source)

Greg and Lainey both admitted to him doing this multiple times throughout their relationship; and still, to this day, they admit that he attempts to break up with her every single time they argue, even though they’re married and have been for over seven years. It is extremely abnormal for a 34-year-old father of two who has been married for seven years to threaten to “break up” with his wife every time they get into an argument. These attempts at manipulation on Greg’s part terrify Lainey so much that she readily complies with whatever he wants in order to convince him not to leave her. This pattern could not be more apparent than how this manipulation tactic played out in their relationship with Billie.

During the time when Greg and Lainey were in a polyamorous relationship with Billie, Lainey expressed repeated discomfort about Greg and Billie spending so much time together while she was excluded by having to spend so much time cooking, cleaning, looking after their their son (she was pregnant with their daughter at the time), and managing their household (which we now know, thanks to Maya, that Greg does not help out with at all, meaning that Lainey spent the vast majority of her day doing these things while Greg and Billie were in another room playing games, making videos, and hanging out). She felt that Billie was only there for Greg, and was not comfortable with them being sexually intimate together, even when it was all three of them together. After a while of this - despite Lainey’s continued discomfort, disapproval, and lack of consent (which is vital for any healthy, functioning polyamorous triad) - Greg told Lainey that there would be more more boundaries, no more jealousy, and that he and Billie were going to do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted; and that if Lainey didn’t like it, then he was going to divorce her.

Naturally, terrified of losing her husband, her family, her home, her source of income, and the only lifestyle that she’d ever known - with a three-year-old in tow, and pregnant with their second child - Lainey felt forced to remain in the three-way relationship that she didn’t even want to begin with.

A quote from his video, “Onision’s Break Up Story”:

“I told my wife that there would be no more rules in the relationship. That there would be no more boundaries, no more jealousy, and that I would do what I want.”

(Source)

After this quote, Greg goes on to explain that he reassured his wife that he had no intention of leaving her; however, how could Lainey believe this, when just a few months before he had attempted to leave her for Billie, which only didn’t end up happening because Billie told him that she didn’t feel right about it? When he had threatened to leave her so many times before over much smaller and less significant things? He goes on to say this:

“Regardless, it is important to note that Billie did tell me that she thought Lainey might be upset if she and I slept together, but every time she indicated she was worried, I would remind her of the conversation I had with Lainey where I repeatedly told her there would be no more boundaries, we would all have balanced relationships, and that there would be no jealousy.”

This is an ultimatum. The reason why Lainey went to Billie to ask her not to sleep with Greg is because she already knew that he would shut her down if she tried. Ask yourself this question: for what reason would a woman feel more comfortable asking other women not to sleep with her husband, instead of just going straight to the source and simply asking her husband not to sleep with other women instead? The answer is that it’s because she already knew that he would say no and try to divorce her if she kept bringing it up. It is not unreasonable for Lainey to believe Greg capable of doing this, considering that he has admitted in the past to leaving one woman for another (when he left Skye for Shiloh in 2011):

Greg doesn’t just do this to Lainey, however; he has done this, to my knowledge, with every other woman he’s ever dated. The following is a screenshot of a portion of the letter written by Adrienne - the 26-year-old that Greg dated for three weeks just before he met Lainey - describing how Greg attempted to manipulate her through making her fear the loss of the relationship:

Later on in the same letter:

The entirety of the letter written by Adrienne can be read here. If you’re interested in understanding how Greg’s mind works, I highly recommend reading it - it is extremely insightful, analytical, and well-written.

5. Restrictive control of resources and activities enforced by induction of guilt, or fear of anger.

It’s no secret that Greg attempts to restrict the activities that his girlfriends are allowed to participate in. This ranges from the aforementioned control over how often they’re allowed to visit their families, to whether or not they’re allowed to have a job (a tactic reported by several of his exes and by Greg himself), to how often they’re allowed to go out with their friends, and even to what they are and are not allowed to eat.

In the following screenshot, a blog post by Shiloh months after they’d broken up, she details how he not only manipulated her into cutting off contact with her friends and family back home, but also convinced her to put her music career on hold so that they could be together all the time:

(You can read the full post here.)

He also talked Skye into quitting her job once he began making enough money off YouTube, with the reasoning that couples should be spending at least 50% of their time together. (I’m having trouble finding the screenshot for this, but it’s out there somewhere - I’ve seen it before.) Here is a similar screenshot, however:

He would also become extremely angry with Adrienne when she wanted to go out with her friends…

...and tried to manipulate her into quitting her job, moving in with him, and depending entirely on him as her source of income, all within three weeks of meeting her.

6. Gaslighting causes victim to doubt what they see or hear. Inability to trust own thoughts and reasoning.

When Lainey first broke up with Greg and was considering divorce after he cheated on her with Billie, she admitted that she had never even wanted a girlfriend to begin with, and that it had been Greg who was pressuring her into it…

…but later, when Lainey recounted her side of the story in a response video to the one that Billie released, she adamantly maintained that it was she who had wanted to experiment with her bisexuality - evidence that Greg had been gaslighting her into believing that he was not at fault, yet again, and that it was Lainey who had desired to keep bringing back Billie over and over again. The tweet posted in first part of this screenshot was taken only six months after the tweet in the second part:

In addition - despite having told Lainey that it was his decision to sleep with Billie, and despite having literally admitted in a video that he published on YouTube to Billie having repeatedly brought up her discomfort with going behind Lainey’s back in order to be intimate with Greg - he still managed to convince Lainey to doubt her own perceptions enough to the point where she now, to this day - over two years later - still considers Billie to be the homewrecker, and that it was Billie who cheated on her with Greg, not Greg who cheated on her with Billie. That is how manipulative he is.

During one of the periods in time when Greg and Lainey had broken up with Billie yet again, Lainey began talking to a new girl named Hailey (known online as Luxymoo). At first, Hailey believed that her relationship with Lainey would be exclusive; but after Greg informed her that the relationship would actually be an open polyamorous one, she realized that she was uncomfortable with the arrangement and decided to pull out. Despite the fact that she had every right to choose not to go through with it, Greg then attempted to gaslight her and invalidate her feelings:

After that I started doing research on what it meant to be in a three way relationship, I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t for me. Which killed me, because all I wanted to do was be with Lainey. I wanted to try for them, but at the end of the day, I had to consider my personal feelings on the matter. I knew I couldn’t be what they wanted, because I wanted Lainey.

I told Lainey as soon as I came to that conclusion. I wanted to be honest. I didn’t want to drag it out. Lainey didn’t respond to me.. but Greg did. He said that if he were in my position, he would do whatever it takes to be with Lainey. He said that I didn’t really care about Lainey, that all I was looking for was friendship. He said that he thought my mind was broken. He said he thought I may be sexually dormant. He then would say that he thinks i’m a good person and that i’m the safer alternative. He called me a good distraction.

He wanted me to still come up. But that was a fleeting thought. He said friendship would be hard, and that I was doing everything I could to avoid a relationship with Lainey. Then he pitched the idea of me being with Lainey exclusively, while he’s with Lainey exclusively. Like we wouldn’t be doing sexual things together. I still declined because 1. he had spent so much time invalidating MY feelings on the matter, attacking my personality, pressuring me, etc. and 2. I also knew that that wasn’t what they wanted, and I told him that we would still hit that road block of me wanting exclusiveness. He had said in a previous conversation that it was like him and Lainey were on an island and I had a boat, but I wouldn’t throw them a life line because I wasn’t the right boat.

(The full conversation and screenshot can be seen here.)

He also tried to use this tactic on Maya - a girl who dated Lainey very briefly in late 2017 - in an attempt to preemptively gaslight her and discredit her, should she choose to come forward with her story about what he did to her:

Which he did, in fact, try to do later on, by attempting to accuse Maya of being a “homewrecker” for “wiggling while she was sitting on his lap” (despite not mentioning that he was the one who had placed her there, which she did not consent to, and only went along with because she felt so uncomfortable). The posts detailing her full account can be found here and here.

7. Increased emotional and psychological dependence of victim on abuser.

Greg has already succeeded in doing this with Lainey and many other girlfriends in the past, and has attempted to do this to several more. When married to Skye, Greg insisted that she not have a job outside of the home because he believes that a couple should spend most of their time together (despite later claiming that spouses who do not have a job outside the home, or at least have children, are useless). After meeting Shiloh, despite the fact that she was a celebrity in Canada at the time they met, he forced her to quit her singing career and move in with him to work for and with him full-time; to this day, over seven years later, her singing career still has not recovered. Upon breaking up with Shiloh, he dated a woman named Adrienne, who he attempted to manipulate into moving in with him within three weeks of the start of their relationship - and she almost did. And likewise, when he began dating Lainey, within a month of meeting her, he had proposed to her, rented a house in the state where she lived so that she could finish high school, and then married and impregnated her within the year, so that he could groom her and keep tabs on her until she was old enough to marry.

Lainey does not have a job, and is completely financially and psychologically dependent upon Greg for not just survival, but her very sense of identity and self-worth as a person. In fact, she is so dependent on Greg as a source of ego regulation that I wrote an entire post breaking down and analyzing my impression of Lainey’s personality matrix because I was so baffled by the extent of her psychological dependency on him. You can read it here, if you’re curious (and have a lot of spare time).

8. Punishment through anger, verbal abuse, forced isolation, character assassination, etc.

When angry with ex-girlfriend Shiloh, he pushed her into a door frame, causing her to miscarry (although some people do not believe that she was pregnant, since she and Greg had once faked a pregnancy and stillbirth):

He also forced her to shave her head bald, calling her a “whore”, “his property”, and “a good bitch”:

When Billie lied to him about smoking weed, he attempted to punish her by forcing her to dye her eyebrows green, shave off her hair (the third time he has attempted to, or succeeded in, manipulating a girlfriend to shave her hair off), get an ugly tan, be chained to his basement wall for a week wearing a sign saying “I’m sorry for lying Lainey” around her neck, and tattoo “I’m a liar” in the small of her back:

When he breaks up with exes, he also slanders and demeans their character on social media. He even does this with friends, other YouTubers, and sometimes just with people - usually women - that he doesn’t like. Including myself, by the way:

Proud moment. :’)

He made a video criticizing his ex (Adrienne) for the number of sexual partners she’s had, as well as implying that her vaginal hygiene was poor, and even made a series of videos in which he went and got himself tested for various STDs in order to imply that she was so promiscuous that she could have given him one (a video which later got deleted off YouTube when he realized how many downvotes it was getting); however, you can see her reference the video in her letter here:

When he and Skye divorced, he slandered her by calling her a thief and a liar, and continued to milk sympathy from his fans by implying that he was unfairly being forced to pay alimony, even though he agreed to the amount in the settlement, and she was rightly owed that money for her part in producing his early Onision videos.

When he broke up with Billie, he said and did several things to demean her character, including calling her a drug addict, imply that she’s “less than” for being a high school dropout who lives with her parents still, and also revealed to his entire fan base that she has an eating disorder, accused her family of being drugs addicts, and that she had been sexually assaulted and had an abortion, a secret which she had previously revealed to only a handful of close friends and family:

After Blaire White called him out for his actions, he made a video calling her so many different vile names, with such vitriolic hatred in his voice, that I actually have trouble watching it all the way through. You can really see his narcissistic rage coming out in this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEVHT6No5Xc

He has exhibited this cycle over and over again with YouTuber Cyr, who he has been friends with off and on for years:

Most recently - meaning since I first wrote this post (about a year and a half ago) - he has continued in this pattern of slandering ex-girlfriends and ex-friends a further three or four times at least; and so this is the part of this sub-heading that will provide new information that was not included in my old post.

After Jaclyn Glenn began dating Richie of SocialRepose, Greg flew off the handle, making a series of insulting comments about Jaclyn’s physical appearance on Twitter and YouTube, including remarking that tall women are gross, and that had she been dating him, he never would have allowed her to get breast implants, because they’re disgusting (and she’s disgusting for having them):

Since she has broken up with Richie, Greg has now reverted to his attempts at love-bombing Jaclyn (and her friend Jessie Paege) on Twitter, hoping to reignite their friendship (and the possibility of bringing her into a new trinity with Lainey, or at least hoping that she’ll be able to give a boost to his YouTube career).

A few months ago, a close friend of both Greg and Lainey - model, actress, and member of the BDSM community Madison DeCambra - made a video with Greg about the DDlg (Daddy Dom/little girl) kink, which was received very poorly by the DDlg community. Feeling responsible for having hurt and contributed to the misrepresentation of the community that she loves so much, Madison posted a video on YouTube apologizing for any pain that her involvement in Greg’s video may have caused. Greg reacted to this by terminating their six-year-long friendship, as well as - predictably - going on a tirade of character assassinations against her on Twitter, including bringing her two-year-old daughter into it despite having previously accused anyone willing to bring a person’s children up during an argument of being trash.

These were the texts he sent to Madison, which he then posted publicly on Twitter in order to discard and defame her:

(Source)

Here is a screenshot of Madison arguing with TomatoBisquette (another former friend of Greg’s whom he has discarded, in his case for being friendly towards MrRepzion, a YouTuber who Greg hates for having called him out in the past), who had tried to make light of how upset she was when Greg posted on Twitter telling her that he was disgusted by her and never considered her a friend:

He also used the opportunity to take another pot-shot at Beck - a former fan of Greg and Lainey before she, too, was ousted from their lives - for defending Madi:

However, the worst part of this interaction is that he chose to bring Madison’s two-year-old daughter into the argument, just because he was angry with her mother. Here was Madison’s (understandably angry and hurt) response:

A recent addition to the roster of the Avaroe’s stable of ex-friends, Maya - a 19-year-old bartender who briefly dated Lainey, and who visited them for about a week over the Christmas holidays in 2017 - described Greg’s behavior towards her as being bizarrely, uncomfortably interested in probing her about her past. She felt that he was pressing her for information to use against her in the future, and described the odd, inappropriate expression of pleasure that would come across his face while he was listening to a person describe some misfortune that had befallen them:

It would take me ages to compile a list of all of the exes, friends, YouTubers, and other randoms that he’s demeaned on social media or in his videos, so instead I’m just going to provide a (probably incomplete, and still-growing) list of people whose characters he has assassinated on Twitter or YouTube:

Exes: Skye, Shiloh, Adrienne, Billie

Friends: Cyr, Andy Biersack (and his father), TomatoBisquette, Maya, Madison DeCambra, Beck, Jaclyn Glenn

YouTubers: Social Repose, Blaire White, Eugenia Cooney, Dan Howell, Keemstar, LeafyIsHere

Other: Ayallah (best friend of Billie, ex-girlfriend of Social Repose), Lainey’s family (father and sister), his own father, Luxymoo (Hailey)

9. Scouting new supply.

Before he had even divorced Skye, he moved on to Shiloh. When Shiloh left him and went back to Canada, he met Adrienne. When he broke up with Adrienne and she refused to take him back, he was texting Shiloh and Skye within 24 hours. When Skye, Shiloh, and Adrienne all refused to take him back, he then moved on to Lainey, who he had met and proposed marriage to within just a few short weeks of meeting. When he got bored of the ultimate power that he exerted over Lainey, he used her as queerbait to pull in Billie. When he and Lainey broke up with Billie - still bored with Lainey - he began auditioning new girls for a spot in his harem (Hailey/Luxymoo, Eryn, Maya, Sam, Beck). Here is a timeline of Greg’s known romantic relationships over the past fifteen years:

If Greg’s high school classmate is to be believed, however, then there are many, many women that Greg has been with that did not make this list.

And finally, here’s a funny, tongue-in-cheek chart chronicling the pattern of what happens when Greg and Lainey bring a new girl into the house:

Lainey doesn’t know it yet, but this entire cycle is going to begin repeating itself sooner or later. It’s just a matter of time. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were lowkey auditioning girls as I write this.

10. Acting as though nothing happened.

Need I say more?

#onision #laineybot #narcissism #npd #abuse #anti onision #anti o

167 notes · View notes

theadmiringbog · 5 years ago

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Adler was one of the original core members of the Vienna Psychoanalytic Society, which was led by Freud. His ideas were counter to Freud’s, and he split from the group and proposed an “individual psychology” based on his own original theories.

Adler was very different from Jung, who revered Freud as a father figure.

...

In Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, much of the content closely resembles Adler’s ideas. In other words, rather than being a strict area of scholarship, Adlerian psychology is accepted as a realization, a culmination of truths and of human understanding. Yet Adler’s ideas are said to have been a hundred years ahead of their time, and even today we have not managed to fully comprehend them. That is how truly groundbreaking they were.

If we focus only on past causes and try to explain things solely through cause and effect, we end up with “determinism.” Because what this says is that our present and our future have already been decided by past occurrences, and are unalterable.

Youth: You’re saying that the past doesn’t matter?

PHILOSOPHER: Yes, that is the standpoint of Adlerian psychology.

Those who take an etiological stance, including most counselors and psychiatrists, would argue that what you were suffering from stemmed from such-and-such cause in the past, and would then end up just consoling you by saying, “So you see, it’s not your fault.” The argument concerning so-called traumas is typical of etiology.

YOUTH: Wait a minute! Are you denying the existence of trauma altogether?

PHILOSOPHER: Yes, I am. Adamantly.

In Adlerian psychology, trauma is definitively denied.

Adler, in denial of the trauma argument, states the following: “No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.”

He is not saying that the experience of a horrible calamity or abuse during childhood or other such incidents have no influence on forming a personality; their influences are strong. But the important thing is that nothing is actually determined by those influences.

Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live.

So you are saying that one should always take the “people can change” premise?

PHILOSOPHER: Of course.

Why are you rushing for answers? You should arrive at answers on your own, not rely upon what you get from someone else. Answers from others are nothing more than stopgap measures; they’re of no value.

Socrates spent his days having public debates with the citizens of Athens, especially the young, and it was his disciple, Plato, who put his philosophy into writing for future generations. Adler, too, showed little interest in literary activities, preferring to engage in personal dialogue at cafés in Vienna, and hold small discussion groups. He was definitely not an armchair intellectual.

Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage.

Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn’t that you lack competence. You just lack courage. One might say you are lacking in the courage to be happy.

He can never find enough time to write novels, and that’s why he can’t complete work and enter it for writing awards. But is that the real reason? No! It’s actually that he wants to leave the possibility of “I can do it if I try” open, by not committing to anything.

He doesn’t want to expose his work to criticism, and he certainly doesn’t want to face the reality that he might produce an inferior piece of writing and face rejection. He wants to live inside that realm of possibilities, where he can say that he could do it if he only had the time,

Adler’s teleology tells us, “No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on.” That you, living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life.

YOUTH: My life is determined at this exact point?

PHILOSOPHER: Yes, because the past does not exist.

What I can do is to get the person first to accept “myself now,” and then regardless of the outcome have the courage to step forward. In Adlerian psychology, this kind of approach is called “encouragement.”

All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.

The pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority are not diseases but stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth.

If it is not used in the wrong way, the feeling of inferiority, too, can promote striving and growth.

You might think, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed. Put the other way around, the reasoning can be, If only I were well educated, I could be really successful.

“In our culture weakness can be quite strong and powerful.”

YOUTH: So weakness is powerful?

PHILOSOPHER: Adler says, “In fact, if we were to ask ourselves who is the strongest person in our culture, the logical answer would be, the baby. The baby rules and cannot be dominated.”

As long as one continues to use one’s misfortune to one’s advantage in order to be “special,” one will always need that misfortune.

A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self.

Instead of treating the child like an adult, or like a child, one must treat him or her like a human being. One interacts with the child with sincerity, as another human being just like oneself.

This is what is so terrifying about competition. Even if you’re not a loser, even if you’re someone who keeps on winning, if you are someone who has placed himself in competition, you will never have a moment’s peace. You don’t want to be a loser. And you always have to keep on winning if you don’t want to be a loser. You can’t trust other people.

Once one is released from the schema of competition, the need to triumph over someone disappears. One is also released from the fear that says, Maybe I will lose. And one becomes able to celebrate other people’s happiness with all one’s heart.

If someone were to abuse me to my face, I would think about the person’s hidden goal.

First, there are two objectives for behavior: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. Then, the two objectives for the psychology that supports these behaviors are the consciousness that I have the ability and the consciousness that people are my comrades.

Adler does not accept restricting one’s partner. If the person seems to be happy, one can frankly celebrate that condition. That is love. Relationships in which people restrict each other eventually fall apart.

When one can think, Whenever I am with this person, I can behave very freely, one can really feel love. One can be in a calm and quite natural state, without having feelings of inferiority or being beset with the need to flaunt one’s superiority. That is what real love is like.

Why is it that people seek recognition from others? In many cases, it is due to the influence of reward-and-punishment education.

YOUTH: Reward-and-punishment education?

PHILOSOPHER: If one takes appropriate action, one receives praise. If one takes inappropriate action, one receives punishment. Adler was very critical of education by reward and punishment. It leads to mistaken lifestyles in which people think, If no one is going to praise me, I won’t take appropriate action and If no one is going to punish me, I’ll engage in inappropriate actions, too.

Wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be “this kind of person.” In other words, you throw away who you really are and live other people’s lives.

And please remember this: If you are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, it follows that other people are not living to satisfy your expectations. Someone might not act the way you want him to, but it doesn’t do to get angry.

In general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks, or having one’s own tasks intruded on. Carrying out the separation of tasks is enough to change one’s interpersonal relationships dramatically.

Think about it this way: Intervening in other people’s tasks and taking on other people’s tasks turns one’s life into something heavy and full of hardship. If you are leading a life of worry and suffering—which stems from interpersonal relationships—learn the boundary of “From here on, that is not my task.” And discard other people’s tasks. That is the first step toward lightening the load and making life simpler.

Why are you worried about other people looking at you, anyway? Adlerian psychology has an easy answer. You haven’t done the separation of tasks yet. You assume that even things that should be other people’s tasks are your own.

Conducting oneself in such a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living, and is also impossible.

YOUTH: Are you free, now?

PHILOSOPHER: Yes. I am free.

YOUTH: You do not want to be disliked, but you don’t mind if you are?

PHILOSOPHER: Yes, that’s right.

The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.

Living in fear of one’s relationships falling apart is an unfree way to live, in which one is living for other people.

Do not cling to the small community right in front of you. There will always be more “you and I,” and more “everyone,” and larger communities that exist.

One must not praise, and one must not rebuke.

In the act of praise, there is the aspect of it being “the passing of judgment by a person of ability on a person of no ability.”

The mother who praises the child by saying things like “You’re such a good helper!” or “Good job!” or “Well, aren’t you something!” is unconsciously creating a hierarchical relationship and seeing the child as beneath her.

Whether we praise or rebuke others, the only difference is one of the carrot or the stick, and the background goal is manipulation. The reason Adlerian psychology is highly critical of reward-and-punishment education is that its intention is to manipulate children.

Yes. The most important thing is to not judge other people. “Judgment” is a word that comes out of vertical relationships. If one is building horizontal relationships, there will be words of more straightforward gratitude and respect and joy.

PHILOSOPHER: On the other hand, if one has managed to build a horizontal relationship with at least one person—if one has been able to build a relationship of equals in the true sense of the term—that is a major lifestyle transformation. With that breakthrough, all one’s interpersonal relations will gradually become horizontal.

We do not lack ability. We just lack courage. It all comes down to courage.

Having a firm grasp on the truth of things—that is resignation.

Think about it this way. We can believe. And we can doubt. But we are aspiring to see others as our comrades. To believe or to doubt—the choice should be clear.

I have discussed self-acceptance, confidence in others, and contribution to others, in that order. However, these three are linked as an indispensable whole, in a sort of circular structure. It is because one accepts oneself just as one is—one self-accepts—that one can have “confidence in others” without the fear of being taken advantage of. And it is because one can place unconditional confidence in others, and feel that people are one’s comrades, that one can engage in “contribution to others.” Further, it is because one contributes to others that one can have the deep awareness that “I am of use to someone” and accept oneself just as one is. One can self-accept.

Adler does not recognize ways of living in which certain aspects are unusually dominant.

“Work” does not mean having a job at a company. Work in the home, child-rearing, contributing to the local society, hobbies, and all manner of other things are work. Companies and such are just one small part of that. A way of living that acknowledges only company work is one that is lacking in harmony of life.

Does one accept oneself on the level of acts, or on the level of being?

In a word, happiness is the feeling of contribution. That is the definition of happiness.

Why is it necessary to be special? Probably because one cannot accept one’s normal self. And it is precisely for this reason that when being especially good becomes a lost cause, one makes the huge leap to being especially bad—the opposite extreme. But is being normal, being ordinary, really such a bad thing? Is it something inferior? Or, in truth, isn’t everybody normal?

You are probably rejecting normality because you equate being normal with being incapable. Being normal is not being incapable. One does not need to flaunt one’s superiority.

But if life were climbing a mountain in order to reach the top, then the greater part of life would end up being “en route.” That is to say, one’s “real life” would begin with one’s trek on the mountainside, and the distance one has traveled up until that point would be a “tentative life” led by a “tentative me.”

People who think of life as being like climbing a mountain are treating their own existences as lines. As if there is a line that started the instant one came into this world, and that continues in all manner of curves of varying sizes until it arrives at the summit, and then at long last reaches its terminus, which is death. This conception, which treats life as a kind of story, is an idea that links with Freudian etiology (the attributing of causes), and is a way of thinking that makes the greater part of life into something that is “en route.”

...

Think of life as a series of dots. If you look through a magnifying glass at a solid line drawn with chalk, you will discover that what you thought was a line is actually a series of small dots. Seemingly linear existence is actually a series of dots; in other words, life is a series of moments.

It is a series of moments called “now.” We can live only in the here and now. Our lives exist only in moments. Adults who do not know this attempt to impose “linear” lives onto young people. Their thinking is that staying on the conventional tracks—good university, big company, stable household—is a happy life. But life is not made up of lines or anything like that.

YOUTH: So there’s no need for life planning or career planning?

PHILOSOPHER: If life were a line, then life planning would be possible. But our lives are only a series of dots. A well-planned life is not something to be treated as necessary or unnecessary, as it is impossible.

Among those who have danced the dance of the violin, there are people who stay the course and become professional musicians. Among those who have danced the dance of the bar examination, there are people who become lawyers. There are people who have danced the dance of writing and become authors. Of course, it also happens that people end up in entirely different places. But none of these lives came to an end “en route.” It is enough if one finds fulfillment in the here and now one is dancing.

Suppose you are going on a journey to Egypt. Would you try to arrive at the Great Pyramid of Giza as efficiently and quickly as possible, and then head straight back home by the shortest route? One would not call that a “journey.” You should be on a journey the moment you step outside your home, and all the moments on the way to your destination should be a journey. Of course, there might be circumstances that prevent you from making it to the pyramid, but that does not mean you didn’t go on a journey. This is “energeial life.”

If the goal of climbing a mountain were to get to the top, that would be a kinetic act. To take it to the extreme, it wouldn’t matter if you went to the mountaintop in a helicopter, stayed there for five minutes or so, and then headed back in the helicopter again. Of course, if you didn’t make it to the mountaintop, that would mean the mountain-climbing expedition was a failure. However, if the goal is mountain climbing itself, and not just getting to the top, one could say it is energeial. In this case, in the end it doesn’t matter whether one makes it to the mountaintop or not.

We should live more earnestly only here and now. The fact that you think you can see the past, or predict the future, is proof that rather than living earnestly here and now, you are living in a dim twilight. Life is a series of moments, and neither the past nor the future exists. You are trying to give yourself a way out by focusing on the past and the future.

When one adopts the point of view of Freudian etiology, one sees life as a kind of great big story based on cause and effect. So then it’s all about where and when I was born, what my childhood was like, the school I attended and the company where I got a job. And that decides who I am now and who I will become.

Whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual. So life in general has no meaning whatsoever. But you can assign meaning to that life. And you are the only one who can assign meaning to your life.

No matter what moments you are living, or if there are people who dislike you, as long as you do not lose sight of the guiding star of “I contribute to others,” you will not lose your way, and you can do whatever you like. Whether you’re disliked or not, you pay it no mind and live free.

YOUTH: If I have the star of contribution to others high in the sky above me, I will always have happiness and comrades by my side.

PHILOSOPHER: Then, let’s dance in earnest the moments of the here and now, and live in earnest. Do not look at the past, and do not look at the future. One lives each complete moment like a dance. There is no need to compete with anyone, and one has no use for destinations.

As long as you are dancing, you will get somewhere.

#The Courage to be Disliked #books

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theycallmebeccawrites · 6 years ago

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Adventures in Parenting - Chris & Nikki Q&A

With Tumblr holding my original writing blog @beccaheartschrisevans captive (aka flagged as explicit), I have made a secondary writing blog and may end up closing the other all together. In the meantime, I am reposting all of my stories on my new blog.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Nikki Evans (OFC) Rating: PG-13 Warnings: language? Summary: A “podcast transcript” of a Q&A with Chris & Nikki set in February 2021.

Adventures in Parenting (Chris & Nikki) Masterlist

Chris & Nikki Q&A (February 2021)

Please note this is written as if it were a blog post with a podcast transcript.

February 17, 2021

Hello my fellow mommies and daddies! I have an extra special treat for you all today! My best friend/sister-in-law, Nikki, and her husband, Chris, have agreed to take part in an extra special podcast right here on my parenting blog!

So what is so special about my fabulous sister- and brother-in-law? Well she is a hot momma of three of the cutest kids on planet earth (joined by my little ones, of course) and he is Captain America…. Or rather, he played Captain America in the Marvel Cinematic Universe for 8 years.

I have been trying to get Nikki to take part in a podcast since I started doing them last year and I finally convinced her to sit down with me this past weekend. Originally it was just going to be the two of us, but then our husbands caught wind of it and decided they wanted to take part as well.

So here is the link to the podcast as well as a link to the transcript in case you can’t download the podcast for whatever reason.

Love Always,

Dana

–Transcript–

Dana: Hello to all my returning listeners and to all my new listeners. Even those of you who are only listening to this podcast because of Chris Evans…

Chris: It’s their loss if they are. You’re awesome and you’re one of the best moms I’ve ever been around.

Mikey: Suck up. [Coughs]

Dana: Thank you Chris. You’re my favorite brother-in-law.

Nikki: [Laughing] Not even a minute into this podcast and we’re already off topic.

Dana: You’re right, Nikki. I meant to start this with introductions. So I will start with myself for those that aren’t familiar with my voice. I am Dana and this is my blog/podcast. Mikey is my husband, we’ve been married for nearly ten years. Say hi, Mikey.

Mikey: Hi Mikey [He and Chris snicker]

Dana: You two are predictable. Moving on… next we have my best friend and partner in crime, Nikki. Who also happens to be Mikey’s step-sister. Say hello to the beautiful listeners Nikki.

Nikki: Hello everyone!

Dana: Last, but certainly not least, I present Nikki’s husband, Chris Evans. Chris say hello.

Chris: [Chuckling] I’m not used to being introduced as Nikki’s husband, I like it…

Nikki: I do too. [Smooching sound]

Mikey: Really? Already with the kissing… you two are gross.

Dana: And this is why this was just supposed to be a podcast with me and Nikki only. I’m going to have so much stuff to edit out.

Nikki: [Laughing] Sorry… I just can’t help myself sometimes. He is just so darn cute!

Chris: Hot… so darn hot!

Dana: Anyway….. Thank you Chris and Nikki for agreeing to take part of this podcast. Mikey and I know how hard you two work to keep your relationship and, especially, your kids, out of the public eye.

Nikki: We love you and we trust you. We know you won’t publish anything too revealing about us and the kids.

Chris: That and we know where you live and we actually have a key to your house and the code to the alarm system… there really isn’t any place you can hide from us…

Mikey: Geez Evans, don’t make me embarrass you by beating you up again. My muscles are just as big as yours.

Chris: Only because I haven’t been busting my as- [clears throat] -er, I mean, only because I haven’t been training as hard as I did when I was playing Cap every six months.

Dana: I told you we should have locked them in the man cave before we started this.

Nikki: [Snickers] Maybe we should just move onto the questions you prepared for us before they start comparing the size of other things…

Chris & Mikey: Nikki!

Dana: Alright, this first question is about how the two of you met. Now, I know Mikey and I already know the answer to this, but our listeners don’t.

Nikki: We met in August 1997, right after my mom and Mikey’s dad got married. I was 12 at the time and Chris was 16.

Chris: Mikey and I have been best friends since we were like 5 years old and we grew up across the street from each other. Our parents actually still live in those same houses. Which makes it very convenient for holidays and such.

Dana: Nikki, you and I have spent a lot of time talking about this. Hell, I’ve known you since before Chris and even Mikey, since we were both the “new girl” at school in 1996. But I’ve never heard Chris’s thoughts about your first meeting.

Chris: Honestly? I didn’t have any. Like Nikki said, she was 12 and I was 16. She was just my best friend’s new kid sister.

Nikki: While I, on the other hand, thought he was the cutest guy I’d ever seen. And I suppose I should mention that I was a month shy of turning 13 when we met.

Dana: So it wasn’t really love at first sight for you guys then.

Mikey: Well Nikki thought she was in love for a while. I found a couple notebooks that had ‘Mrs. Chris Evans’ written in a heart…

Nikki: Chris was the first guy I ever had a crush on, so yeah, I thought I was in love with him. Then he graduated high school and I started liking and, eventually, dating other guys.

Dana: Which leads me directly to how you two got together. And I will start this by informing the listeners that you guys we reintroduced at mine and Mikey’s wedding nearly ten years ago. Nikki was my maid of honor and Chris was Mikey’s best man. So what was it about the other that caught your attention?

Chris: Well, naturally, the first thing I noticed about her was her beauty, especially her smile.

Nikki: And then you realized who I was and you went from flirt mode to protect the bro code mode.

Mikey: Not that he protected it for very long….

Chris: Says the one who married his sister’s best friend….

Dana: Guys… don’t make me put you in time out…

Chris & Mikey: Yes mom

Nikki: [Chuckling] As soon as Chris had a couple beers in him at the rehearsal dinner and found out that Dana and I were best friends, the bro code got tossed out the window

Chris: You’re making me sound like a pig, Nik… I also threw out the code because I saw you interacting with your younger half-sisters and then my family, especially my nephews and something just clicked in my head. I knew you were the one when my nephew put a chocolate hand print on that pink sundress you were wearing and instead of freaking out like girls I had dated in the past, you just laughed it off and gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Nikki: Oh, Chris! [Sniffles] You’ve never told me that before. I didn’t even know you’d witnessed that. Much less knew that night that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me.

Chris: I’ve meant to tell you for a while now, but I guess I never did. Especially, since I had to spend six weeks convincing you that I really wanted to be in a relationship with you.

Mikey: I remember those six weeks. Here I was a newlywed, expecting to get extra loving from my new wife only to find myself in bed alone while Dana was on the phone with Nikki for hours and hours.

Nikki: It was a lot to take in. Chris and I hadn’t seen each other for 13 years and he was a few weeks away from the release of the first Captain America. Plus I was attracted to him, but I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling for him was real and adult or just left over from my youth.

Chris: And she waited until I was in the middle of the promo tour to agree to a date with me. Then after the promo tour and premier was over for the movie, I had to report back to filming for Avengers. So we didn’t have our first date until the middle of August.

Dana: Tell us about your first date.

Nikki: I bought a great dress for it and he got to my apartment and told me to go change into pants because I couldn’t do what we were going to do in a dress.

Chris: I told you to change after I told you how gorgeous you looked and that I would happily change the plans I had made for us.

Nikki: That’s right, you did. But you’d been telling me for weeks over text messages and the phone that you’d planned a great first date for us and I didn’t want you to change anything.

Mikey: You guys went mini golfing right?

Chris: Yeah, I took her out for dinner and then we went mini golfing. She totally beat me.

Nikki: I still don’t believe I beat you without you throwing the game. You love golfing, I don’t. I’m good at sports that don’t require me to hold on to something.

Chris: I didn’t let you win. I was just distracted by your beauty and wishing I had kissed you the minute you’d opened your front door.

Nikki: [Laughing] You are so full of bs.

Mikey: [Groans] Again with the kissing?! Dana ask them another question!

Dana: So Chris said he knew the night you guys were reintroduced that you were the one he wanted to marry. When did you know you wanted to marry Chris, Nikki?

Nikki: I knew by my birthday, which was about a month after our first date. He was in Ohio for most of that time because of filming, but we spent just about every free moment we had talking on the phone or texting.

Chris: I wooed her.

Nikki: You did.

Dana: How long was it before you guys started talking about getting married? I mean, it couldn’t have been long because Chris proposed on New Year’s Eve.

Chris: I think our first conversation about marriage and kids happened when she came to visit me while I was filming in Ohio, which was in like mid to late September.

Nikki: It was just after the Patriot’s game ended. I was due to leave the next morning and I think we stayed up most of the night just talking about where we saw ourselves in ten years.

Chris: And look where we are now. It’s been nearly ten years and everything we dreamed about has come true. We have three amazing kids, two great dogs and a terrible cat.

Nikki: [Laughing] Oh don’t even say that. You love Sadie as much as the rest of us do.

Dana: So where do you guys see yourselves in ten years?

Mikey: Wait! You teased about the proposal, shouldn’t you ask them about that first before moving on to the future?

Dana: Oh, right. Quick recap of the proposal and wedding?

Chris: [Chuckling] Like you said, I proposed to her on New Year’s Eve in 2011. My mom was hosting a party at her house and, like always, Nikki and Mikey’s parents offered her use of their fridge for extra food. So my mom, who was totally in on the whole plan, sent Nikki and I across the street to get more food and I proposed to Nikki in the kitchen where we met back in 1997.

Dana: [Squeals] I know I knew about it ahead of time and I’ve known the story for ten years, but I just get excited whenever I hear one of you guys tell that story! Just gives me all the feels!

Mikey: The feels? Seriously? Are people still saying that? Wasn’t that like soooo five years ago?

Nikki: It gives me the feels too. Especially when you add the fact that we got married nearly 15 years to the day that we first met.

Dana: If only that venue had been available on the August 1st instead of August 4th.

Chris: I think it all worked out perfectly in the end, just the way we wanted it to.

Nikki: It really was perfect. We got married at this fully restored, 100 year old barn about thirty minutes from Sudbury. It was a gorgeous venue.

Chris: And a gorgeous bride.

Nikki: Don’t forget the hot groom who was rocking a sexy suit.

Chris: You know me, I won’t wear a suit that isn’t sexy.

Mikey: Ugh seriously! [Groans] Dana ask them the 10 year question so they stop making out over there

Dana: [Laughing] Alright, for real this time. Where do you two see yourselves in ten years. Both career and family wise.

Chris: Family wise, I think we’re both open to having more kids.

Nikki: I’d love more kids. Whether it be through us having more biological children or adopting from within the United States or even internationally.

Mikey: You’re almost 40, Chris [Grunts in pain] Hey! What was that for!

Chris: For reminding me I’m almost 40, but please continue…

Mikey: Promise not to hit me again?

Chris: You have thirty seconds to spit out whatever you were going to say.

Mikey: [Talks fast] How late into your 40s do you plan on having kids? Because Rachie is almost 4 and you’re going to be 54 when she graduates high school.

Chris: I haven’t really thought about it too much, if I’m being totally honest. I suppose I should though…

Nikki: I think that is totally ok, it’s not like we can change anything after the fact. Some people meet their significant other young and have kids young. We didn’t and that is totally ok, too. So we’ll be old when our youngest babies graduate high school… that’s perfectly fine with me as long as you’re by my side.

Mikey: [Groans] And they’re kissing again, honestly you two!

Dana: What about career wise? You just did your first animated film with Disney, didn’t you Chris?

Chris: I’m not technically allowed to talk about it just yet… but yes, I’m lending my voice to an animated character and it’s not what people would expect from me. But other than that, I’ve enjoyed taking some time off with Nikki and the kids, but I’ve also enjoyed doing some theater and getting behind the camera some more too.

Dana: I suppose we should move onto the parenting questions since this is a parenting blog. However, because we’ve already used up more than two-thirds of our podcast time, we’ll have to be quick with these questions so we can play ‘Who is’

Nikki: Sounds good to me.

Dana: Alright, since we are short on time, I will just inform the listeners that you two have three kids, a 7 year old, a 5 year old and a 3 year old. Do they have set bedtimes?

Chris: We try to keep them on the same schedule as much as possible, but life happens and sometimes you have to roll with the punches.

Nikki: On the weeks we do manage to have all the kids in bed by 8 and asleep by 8:30, we have a family movie night on Friday and we let the kids stay up an extra half hour.

Dana: What a perfect transition to my next question! We grew up without a lot of the technology that is a part of our everyday lives now. There are hundreds of studies about kids and their addictions to phones, iPads, computers and other things even as young as 2 or 3. How are you guys dealing with that?

Chris: Nikki and I both realized how attached we were to our phones when Josh was born and we kind of took a step back from things. Especially when he wanted to hold said phones. But we have set rules in place to help limit their use of technology.

Nikki: We have lots of timers and electronics that turn themselves off and remain off for certain amounts of time. We’ve had to adjust some of Josh’s computer time to allow for the homework assignments that require him to be on the computer, though.

Chris: Nikki and I are both outdoorsy people

Mikey: [Snorts with laughter]

Chris: Ok… so I’m an outdoorsy person and Nikki tolerates it as long as I don’t make her sleep in a tent without an air mattress, go more than two days without showering or using a flushing toilet, and or make her touch a fish.

[All four laughing]

Chris: But like I was saying, our kids love being outdoors as well. The boys love splashing around in the rain and mud in the spring and fall as much as they door running through the sprinkler in the summer. And they love playing outside in the snow.

Nikki: Like father, like sons.

Chris: Exactly. So yes, we try to limit the amount of time they spend using technology, but we understand that it is a part of their future, we just want them to find a happy medium.

MIkey: So we’re all in agreement that our kids and your kids aren’t getting cell phones until they’re teenagers.

Chris: I was thinking more like sixteen. If they prove that they’re responsible enough for one.

Nikki: We really are ancient aren’t we? I’m pretty sure mom and dad got the twins cellphones for their 10th birthday.

Dana: I don’t want to think about how old we are. [Whines] Let’s play ‘Who Is’ instead!

Dana: So I’ll ask a question and you guys either answer with your own name or the other’s name.

Mikey: Am I playing?

Dana: No, just Nik and Chris.

Mikey: I’ll go get another drink then. Chris you want one?

Chris: Sounds good.

Dana: Alright, first question. Who is the cuddle bug?

Nikki: Depends on the situation, we both can be cuddly

Chris: But it’s usually her

Dana: Who is more affectionate?

Chris: This is another ‘depends on the situation’ question

Nikki: What he said

Dana: Who is more protective?

Nikki: Chris

Chris: I don’t know about that one babe, I’ve seen you go momma bear on some people…

Dana: Who reaches for the other’s hand first

Nikki: Depends on the situation. But I like holding his hand…

Chris: And I like holding hers.

Dana: You two are totally cheating in this game, by the way. Though, I’m pretty sure we all know the answer to this next tone. Who gives the silent treatment when they’re mad at the other.

Chris: Nikki

Nikki: [Laughing] Definitely me

Dana: Called it! Alright, how about this one who sneaks into the shower with the other in the morning?

Mikey: [Groans] I don’t want to hear this answer… I came back at the wrong time…

Nikki: [Laughing] I’m up with the sun and he likes to sleep in, so it’s definitely not him

Chris: You’ve snuck into the shower with me a time or two…

Nikki: That’s cause you’re hot and I can’t help myself.

Dana: Alright, well who initiates sexy times the most

Nikki: I’ve never really thought about it…

Chris: Me either…

Dana: Here’s another one that I’m pretty sure I know the answer to. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear at inappropriate times?

Chris: I won’t even attempt to deny this one… though Nikki has said some pretty dirty things to me on red carpets…

Nikki: Only to help you relax…

Dana: I am very proud of you Nik! Alright who sings in the shower?

Nikki: That would be both of us.

Dana: Who takes the longest to get ready?

Nikki: [Snickering] Do you want to answer this one Chris?

Chris: Shut up. It’s not my fault you wake up so beautiful you don’t need to do much…

Nikki: You’re so full of it! [Laughing] But seriously, I’ve just perfect the mom has five minutes to get herself ready for the day look for my everyday life. But when it comes to getting ready for events, I do take much longer than he does… usually because it includes some sort of spa-like pampering.

Chris: It’s cause you deserve it.

Dana: Aww you guys are too cute! Speaking of events, who drags the other out to the dancer floor?

Nikki: I can usually coax him out there for a dance or two..

Chris: She is my weakness…

Dana: Alright, slight shift here to questions about being pregnant or rather when you were pregnant. Who suggested the most ridiculous names?

Chris: That would be me.

Nikki: And your friends. Chris Hemsworth suggested we name our eldest son Thor.

Dana: [Laughing] I had forgotten about that! Alright, who read the most ‘What to Expect’ books?

Chris: That would probably be me, too.

Nikki: Though it probably should have been me. But there were some nights that Chris would read it aloud to me.

Dana: Awwww!!! Gah, I want another baby…

Mikey: I think we’re done with the baby questions…

Dana: Spoil sport. [Clears throat] Alright, here are some travel themed ones. Who always gets the window seat on the planes?

Chris: Me, Nikki doesn’t like sitting by the window

Dana: Who is in charge of the radio during road trips?

Nikki: The driver

Chris: Unless his co-pilot convinces him to let her pick the music during the drive from Boston to Georgia…

Nikki: Oh hush, you loved the mix I put together and you know it.

Dana: Who over packs?

Nikki: That would be me. I overpack for myself and the kids.

Chris: And then she packs extra stuff for me, too.

Nikki: And I’ve saved his butt a couple times for doing so.

Dana: Who, without fail, accidentally leaves something important at home?

Chris: Guilty. I’m pretty sure we have a drawer full of extra phone chargers cause I always forget mine.

Dana: Who’s the most spontaneous?

Chris: Probably me, but only because Nikki can be a bit slow at making decisions

Nikki: True story.

Dana: Who is more likely to bring home a new pet

Nikki: Well we have a golden retriever named Boston that Chris found at a shelter while filming the second Captain America movie in Washington D.C.

Chris: His name was Boston! I couldn’t just leave him in D.C., it just wasn’t right! Plus, he is like the sweetest dog ever. But don’t tell Max, our other golden retriever, that, because I don’t want him to get jealous.

Nikki: Speaking of Max, he was a surprise present from Santa for our eldest son’s first Christmas

Chris: That was Mikey’s idea, because they had one puppy left from their dog’s liter

Mikey: Oh no, don’t drag me into this.

Dana: On to the next question!! Who kills the bugs?

Chris: As long as they aren’t spiders, I’ve got it.

Nikki: Though, you have started killing spiders for Rachie

Chris: That’s because she looks at me with her big blue eyes and suddenly the spiders aren’t so scary anymore because I need to protect her…

Dana: Be still my heart. [Sighs happily] Last question, who starts getting into the holidays way before they should?

Nikki: Both of us.

Chris: We never host Thanksgiving so we start decorating for Christmas the day after Halloween

Nikki: Bring on the Christmas carols

Chris: We like Christmas. We do Christmas good.

Mikey: And loud… and bright… how many lights did you have on your house last year, neighbor?

Chris: I don’t even know. But it made the kids smile and that’s all that matters.

Dana: Thank you guys so much for joining me for this podcast. It has been so much fun.

Nikki: Thank you for having us. Or rather, thanks for recording us? We do this all the time in real life.

Chris: Best of all, Mikey and I kept our potty mouths clean! That means we get beers!

Mikey: We get all the beer!

Dana: And on that lovely note, we will say goodbye for this podcast. I will be back again next week.

All Four: Night!

Want to find me off tumblr? I’m @beccatheycallme on twitter. I also post my stories on AO3 and Wattpad.

My tag list is always open, just let me know if you’d like to be added!

#chris evans #theycallmebecca #beccaheartschrisevans #theycallmebeccawrites #chris evans fanfic #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans fan fiction #adventures in parenting #chris and nikki #chris evans x ofc #chris evans as a dad #chris evans x original female character

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thesylviad · 3 years ago

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Devang 4.18.2022

When I first heard my only reaction was that I felt tingly all over and wanted to vomit. I suppressed all feelings the rest of the day until I couldn’t anymore. I initially had this weird feeling that I don’t think I’ll ever have about any one else’s passing: that I am completely at peace with how our relationship ended. I feel like everything that needed to be said or done between us had been, and I have no regrets. That being said, you now consume my thoughts and I keep crying over memories of you.

I still can’t believe it. It’s weird to be in a world without you. Memories of you are so very present to me now.

I can honestly say that we had an incredibly open and honest relationship. In the end, I don’t think anything was left unsaid. And I can’t say that about even a handful of relationships I have had in my life. We talked about everyyyythinggggg. I KNOW I knew shit about your relationships that your girlfriends and partners definitely wouldn’t want me knowing. I know you were a deeply flawed person who made many mistakes and hurt me more than once. And I still loved you. You were human. Your heart always won me back. You would tell me how good of a friend I was to you a lot. I think you compared it to how good you were of a friend to me and anyone else. But I did know I could always depend on you. Remember that time I was scared I thought I heard some violence in my apartment complex and you called 911 for me? Remember when you stood up to your psycho ex-girlfriend after she shoved me and defended your friends to her? Remember all the the things we did in college? All the shit we got into? I’m trying to remember how we even met. Was it through business school? Remember when we stayed up almost all night studying for our finals with our study group trying to teach each other everything? Remember that time I got punched in the nose on accident by someone who was trying to punch YOU?! Remember when we met HelloGoodbye and drank green beer for breakfast?

I just read through our hundreds of email exchanges over the years and I feel like I’m writing this like you’ll really respond to me.

Remember how we helped each other through breakups and gave each other advice like either of us knew better than the other? Remember watching movies in our friend’s dorm rooms freshman year? Remember our first kiss (I don’t actually...I think it was in your dorm room...???). Remember when you had never seen snow so I (imo weirdly) brought you melted snow in a travel shampoo bottle. I also got you some fake snow to play with. You were so gleeful and goofy. Remember that time you ran into me at the club as I was being kicked out for not having X’s on my hands? You took me to the front and made sure I got them and that they would let me back in.

I can’t believe we went through so much. I can’t believe you’re gone. I’m in between not understanding it and understanding it. Because I’ve been that low. And I’ve seen you that low even if we didn’t call it what it was. The last several years grew us apart...I wasn’t close anymore. And from far away you seemed very happy. Pictures can lie. I’m sorry for what you must have been going through. I’m sorry we’ll never have another email exchange again.

I’ll end it with is email I wrote you for your birthday in 2012:

Birthdayyy!!

Nov 19, 2012, 12:15 AM

to Devang

Wellll most of what I would put on the caption for your bday pic was too personal so I decided to write you a birthday email!! Also because I didn't get you an actual birthday present...haha oops

I don't think anyone from the outside looking in could understand our relationship because I don't think we understand it ourselves most of the time haha. Buuuuttt SOMEHOW we have stuck pretty close together for the last 5 years and we've had some crazy runs for sure. If there's one thing I hope you've learned about me in that time is that I don't give up on the people I care about, and I have never given up on you. I have never stopped believing in you, Devang, because I've seen your good heart and there's nothing not to love about it :) You have had your faults but maaaan you obviously know how to compensate if we've gotten this far hahaha. Even if we ever grow apart, you know you will always have a special place in my heart...we've gone through too many important experiences together for that to ever change. But we hold too many secrets between us anyway for me to let you go easily! hahaha

I'm incredibly proud of you and all that you do and how far you've come in your life. You KNOOOWWW you mean a lot to me. We wouldn't have come this far if you didn't :) And I'm sooo happy that I've recently been getting to know your family too since they're the people who shaped you into the Devang I was fortunate enough to meet :)

I'm soo glad we finally did something big for your birthday!!! Because I'm so thankful you're in my life, and I've always believed you should be celebrated!!! It was so much fun!!

You are awesome and I love you and happy happy birthday oldie!!

P.S. I just wished you happy birthday in like every possible cyber way. Booyyy you special!! ;D

Pooka, I hope you found peace in your Starry Night.

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bloggingwithmamabear · 7 years ago

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“Welcome back to another episode of Ada Talks! I’m excited that you guys are enjoying the series so far. So far, I’ve decided that the schedule for this series will be weekly if enough questions are sent in and if not then every two weeks. I hope that’s alright with you guys? There won’t be a specific day set but I’ll try my best to upload around the same time.”

“As I said in the previous episode, I’m likely to invite ‘guests’ to join me for an episode meaning you can also send in questions regarding them and their family as well as myself/my family. In this episode I have my husband, River, joining me! We will both answer the questions to the best of our abilities.”

** The questions below are all that were sent in this week. If you want your question to be answered feel free to send them in and they’ll be answered next time. **

Question 1; What is the most difficult and the most amazing parts of maternity? - @sjmaktub

Ada Answer; “I’d have to say the most amazing part is when you first notice you have a little bump or when the baby starts to kick. It’s amazing knowing you’re carrying life inside of you. The most difficult? Probably the swollen ankles and not being able to move much near the end of your pregnancy.” River Answer; “One-hundred percent, the most amazing part would be feeling them kick. As you don’t have them growing inside you, it’s so astonishing realizing you’re actually going to be a parent. Worst would be dealing with Ada’s mood swings. You couldn’t watch anything together on the TV because she’d just cry at everything.”

Question 2; Not sure if anyone has asked before, but how was your labor experience? - @sjmaktub

Ada Answer; “With both pregnancies, my labor experiences were pretty different. Giving birth to Maddox was one of the hardest things I’ve gone through. Over 9 hours of contractions and labor to give birth to my first baby boy. Meanwhile, Lennon’s birth was super easy compared to most of the stories I heard about and my previous labor experience. I was only in labor with Lennon for an hour and a half, roughly. It’s so worth it though to have your little one in your arms.” River Answer; “Being the father, all I could really do was try to calm and support my wife throughout both labor experiences. I had my hand crushed both times but when I heard their cries I started crying myself. It was amazing.”

Question 3; There are bound to be setbacks in every relationship, but there's always a way of finding common ground and getting through those rough patches together.. What would you say was the turning point in your relationship? Do you feel like any of you has done something that changed the way you perceive relationships and love life in general? Have you grown more understanding of each other? Have you ever had problems accepting the differences? If there are any? - @afterlifesims

River Answer; “I think losing my mum kind of put setbacks in our relationship. I closed Ada off, drank and smoked weed more than I should have allowed myself too. I found myself.. drowning. But it was the day she was crying because she felt like a single mother that changed everything. Seeing the way she looked at me, it was like she was looking right through me. It broke my heart, it tore me apart. I vowed to never go down that path. I’m more understanding, accepting and thoughtful when it comes to my wife.” Ada Answer; “Other than that, I’d have to say that at the beginning of our relationship River was a major part in helping me get over my previous partner. As you may know, I dated Benjen for almost 2 years before I met River again. The relationship ended badly and I suffered a miscarriage in it. There was also another occasion where Benjen had come to my apartment, though I don’t like to speak about that. River was the only person I confided in after the incident. I felt safe and secure with River around. He protected me from him. He helped me through the emotional trauma as well as the physical trauma and stuck by me.”

Question 4; How did you deal with the pregnancies? - @greyfamilyvalues

Ada Answer; “It was a lot smoother with Lennon since I already knew how to handle everything including the labor. River was a major help throughout both pregnancies though, dealing with all my cravings and mood swings.” River Answer; “When I found out Ada was pregnant with Maddox I freaked out a little but I was excited to become a Dad. We had only been together a few months when Ada got pregnant so it all happened very quickly. With Lennon, it was easier due to him being semi-planned. We knew we wanted another baby but didn’t really decide then and there that we were going to try. We just let it happen naturally. I supported her 100% throughout both pregnancies.”

Question 5; What is your best memory together? Where was it? How old are you? - @greyfamilyvalues

Ada Answer; “It’s a tie between our night of skinnydipping in the ocean when we were 20/21 and his proposal a few years later.” River Answer; “Probably seeing her again. I was roughly 21 or so, and I saw her at the party and just.. fell in love again.”

Question 6; Would you ever have Kelsey and I join you? - @greyfamilyvalues Answer; “Of course, I would! You girls are definitely going to be future guests in this series.”

Question 7; How do you deal with being away from your family? - @greyfamilyvalues

Ada Answer; “My family actually moved over to the US a few years ago to be closer to us and their grandchildren, though my brother lives a few hours away with his wife and children. I missed them a lot when I first moved here.” River Answer; “I didn’t deal with it well. It was a strain and made things really difficult.”

Question 8; Who are and how did you meet your closest friends? - Anonymous

Ada Answer; “Minus each other, I’d have to say; Neriah, Bridgett, Kelsey, Damon, Effy, and Val. I met Bridgett, Kelsey, and Damon in high school. Neriah I met through River and Val through modeling, and Effy when I first moved to Brooklyn.” River Answer; “My closest friend would be.. Mike and Dax? Mike and I met through Neriah and Ada. The husband crew, I call us. Dax, I met through Neriag as Zailey is her cousin, of course.”

Question 9; Have you ever thought about having more kids? - @greyfamilyvalues

Answer; “We both have spoken about it in the past and we do want to have more children in the future. We’re currently discussing some issues that will be featured in the next video update.”

Question 10; Who is the better driver? - Anonymous

Ada Answer; “River for sure.” River Answer; “Agreed.”

Question 11; Who is crazier? - Anonymous

River Answer; “Ada indefinitely.” Ada Answer; “Okay, so maybe it is me..”

“That’s all of this week's questions sent in from you guys! Thank you so much for joining me and I really appreciate your feedback in the comments below. Thank you so much for all of your questions and another thank you to my husband, River, for joining me this week! Next week I’ll be doing another solo video announcing some news that we’ve been keeping mainly to ourselves/family friends as well as answering more of your questions. That’s all for this week, Adios!”

#adachats #x:ada #x:river #x:all #rp #simumblr #the sims 3 #sims 3 #ts3 #bloggingwithmamabear #swftwdwsims #riverthedaddy #sjmaktub

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sexandpowerrr · 4 years ago

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A critical component:

Both genders have been affected in this pandemic, but very differently. Women seem to be surviving the virus more than men. "In the US, for example, twice as many men have been dying from the virus as women. Similarly, 69% of all coronavirus deaths across Western Europe have been male. Similar patterns have been seen in China and elsewhere." This is very scary to think about. While most men are the ones who often die first in relationships. Adding this virus is a whole other layer. I am beginning to see a pattern of thinking among the people I am around. It starts at the media scaring those into extreme isolation. Then the people begin to feel more comfortable in the situation we are in. Then comes desperation and boredom. Once this sets in the people start going stir crazy and cling onto anything that feels normal. Then it becomes denial that this is actually going on in the world we live in. And then ignorance sets in to where the people start to try to live like they were before this all started. And now we are having more and more cases everyday. Due to those who choose to ignore the problem instead of trying to fix the problem. While shopping at the grocery store or even just walking around i seem to see more women accepting the fact that this is how it has to be now. Wearing their masks properly over their whole face. While I see many men not wearing masks or wearing them below their noses or even on their chins. "One theory is that women’s immune response to the virus is stronger, says Philip Goulder, professor of immunology at the University of Oxford. “The immune response throughout life to vaccines and infections is typically more aggressive and more effective in females compared to males,” he says."

With this theory claiming women have better immune systems and men seemingly having it worse. Wouldn't you think that that gender would be doing more to stop the spread of the virus? In school and from the time I was small it was always said that women mature faster than men. Maybe this has something to do with. Maybe not. But this virus is not stopping anytime soon and we all need to be on the same page. We all need to stop the spread and do the best we can to make this world were living in a little brighter.

Creative component:

My experience during this pandemic has been nothing close to galmourous. After coming home from chicago due to SAIC shutting its doors it has been one crazy ride. My roommate reing was from Wuhan, China. And when this all started popping up in the media, she started going crazy. Cleaning everything. Wearing her mask and gloves wherever she went. I thought that it was all a bunch of bullshit. This was until our school was shut down. Then everything started to become more and more real. When I moved back home, things began crashing down. I was "homeless". I chose my partner over my overbearing parents and we were living in a fort in our friends back yard made of doors with windows. It was cold and scary and definitely not clean. But after sleeping in my mothers car for so long just to be together. This seemed like the best option. The people around me were acting like the world was ending. Creating a base camp for those who have no where to go. These people clothed me and fed me and made sure I was okay. After this place became too much to handle we moved into his sisters spare bedroom. The life of a hoarder. Stacks and stacks of things everywhere. Piled up so high you couldn't see where to step. We cleaned that room and started to have a little hope on our situation. It was warm and we were safe. Thats all that mattered. During these times I was still doing school online. So having a place to sit inside made it a little easier. This is when the pandemic started taking off. Unemployment thankfully granted me 55 dollars a week. But with the extra 600 a week coming in. It was going to be alright. We scraped and saved and fought and cried until we found a place to move into. A small studio apartment. 400 dollars a month. Utilities included. This place was a fixer upper for sure. When we first walked into see it there was blood on every wall. Broken windows. Shit was everywhere. But we could make it liveable for the time being. And we did. That was until our neighbor offered me heroin in the hallway. Then all hell broke loose. There was an altercation with us and the neighbors. They brought their bats and beat on our door. This is when we left again. Living out of backpacks even though I had spent all my money on rent to live there. We were taken in by friends. Then school started again. We were desperately searching for another place to call home. With no way to prove income and only Unemployment. There were not alot of places that would let us rent to them. We finally found a place to call home. Close to the art building and downtown. And cheapish. If we played our cards right it would be worth it. Isolation then started. Not wanting to leave the house. Running our of money. Unemployment rejecting me. Foodstamps saying I owed them money. And my classes started to pile up more and more. Depression took its hit very hard this time. I was failing more than I was passing. This had never been the case before. I was always on top of everything. Never failed a class in my life. But all this work was making me crazy. I didnt want to get out of bed. I didn't want to eat. I didnt even want to make art. We were fighting everyday. Over money. His kids. Our life. It was hard. And thats when I finally broke. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't fight anymore to survive with this person. So I left. Im leaving. Im looking to better days and hoping this pandemic blows over soon so I can feel alive again. It has taken everything that I loved and smashed it down to nothing. But im willing to build it up again. This time for myself.

Cultural component:

I have seen various emotions come up during this time from many people that I know. Some of whom do not belive that this pandemic is actually happening. Thinking it is all propaganda to get us to be controlled by our government. I have seen people very fearful of the pandemic. Taking total isolation in their houses and not leaving unless absolutely necessary. I have also seen people who think this is population control. As out planet is growing with more people everyday. We are close to the limit of people on the planet. Our resources are running low. I have seen people who think this pandemic is intended to be a biological weapon to be used against us. Its honestly scary seeing all these different perspectives from so many different people. Alot of these perspectives are differentiated by class and race and gender as well. Lots of the less wealthy people I have talked to have had the biological weapon and fake news type of ideas. While those in the middle class are extreme self isolating. Walking their dogs in the road when they see you coming down the sidewalk. Avoiding isles in the grocery store until no one is in them. And the wealthier people I have seen have often thought that this is propaganda to be controlled by the government. All of these cultural differences in all these different people explain why their thought process are different. But if we all can't be on the same page. No matter what class or gender or race we are. Then we ill never be able to pull ourselves together or create a welcoming safe community. And we will never get rid of this virus if there are so many claiming it is not real. We need to show the people how real it is and then they may start believing. You see and you belive. It shouldn't always have to be this way. But it is often true.

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