#also my anxiety is being annoying but thats like. normal lol

[semiotomatics]

woke up like 2 hours after i went to sleep in pain and starving :/ i had such high hopes for tonight too

[bonezonejpg]

୨୧ : INTRODUCING MY INK VARIANT INX

Based off of my personal experiences. A year ago I was in a pretty bad headspace and had created him to help cope with my situation. Came upon him again and decided to make a ref+ revamp !! Anyways !! Some info about him <3 Inx deals with Chronic anxiety and Derealization. Despite the fact that knows the world around him is real, he struggles to fight with those irrational thoughts that its in fact not real. He feels like he's in a dream while existing which causes him to panic, and will get intrusive thoughts about him or others around him not being real. These intrusive thoughts can trigger panic attacks which happen to him frequently. Instead of using close range attacks, he specifically sticks with using long range attack as much as possible. Getting close to his targets causes him to panic, and most of the time he's not in a calm enough headspace to react on time and make strategic battle decisions. He tries his best to support Dream and Blue from the sidelines. He shrunk from stress.. LOL Dream is one of his comfort people. The two of them now live together and he spends most if not all of his time with Dream. When not around the other he can panic or go into spirals which take a very severe toll on his mental health. Because of this Dream makes sure to stay close to him and tries his best to accommodate him. He does have medication he uses sometimes, but he only uses it when having severe panic attacks. The viles are extremely hard to continuously manufacture so he has instead developed coping skills to deal with his issues best he can instead of taking his "medication" 24/7. The viles basically help him calm down and sort of reset his magic nervous system or whatever it would be so his panicking starts to cease. It doesn't last forever, but its a really good feeling when he takes it and it reminds him of how he used to be before dealing with all of this. These issues completely popped out of nowhere and the root cause is unknown by him and others around him. He had a thought that the world "wasn't real" and then got triggered into his first panic attack which then spread out into the issues he now has. [Literally exactly what happened to me except I'm okay now! Well sort of, not the same but def a LOT better :3] His eye will flash a bunch of different colors when he's about to have a panic attack or having one. This is a telltale sign that his stress has pretty much reached his limit and he's at his breaking point. He will leak and spill Ink from his mouth when trying to express the thoughts going on in his mind or his emotions. This is because his anxiety causes him to assume others will think he is annoying or attention seeking so he literally becomes choked up on his own words. Inx deals with constant paranoia that no one likes him and everyone finds him to be a burden. Despite others and himself trying to reassure himself, the sinking feeling that no one truly loves him also resides deep inside his bones. He doesn't get a lot of his sleep because of his derealization and anxiety. Constantly being in a state of panic makes it quite hard for him to rest because his body can't calm down enough to actually relax so he can fall asleep. He usually can only rest when with another person with some TV playing, or when he is so exhausted he literally cannot stay awake anymore.

Inx still enjoys to draw and visit AUs, it just has become quite difficult now because of the amount of stress he deals with. Obviously this has caused him to become pretty depressed so he has a really hard time picking up his hobbies, but he still attempts to use them as coping mechanisms even if he can't really make anything detailed anymore. Inx will constantly think about how he used to be before all of this and will wish that he could go back in time and just be normal again because he's so exhausted from everything.

Alrighty... For now thats all I can really think about!! I probably will look back at this and be like "awh dang why didn't I add this.." So expect me to most likely edit this little post at some point !! Also, all of these facts are 100% based off of experiences that I have went through. If you have any questions then feel free to send me an ask and I'll totally answer !! Plus some old art from when I first made him in 2023 when I was having that EP

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy reading all this despite it being super long... heh.. I'LL SEE U LATUR !!

[vorpalfae]

ive been living with sensory issues my whole life, i freak out when someone makes small changes to my routine, like i hate doing spontaneous things, most of the time i hate physical affection, & i have such a hard time socializing & making friends. i have bipolar disorder and other disorders like anxiety, etc. but my treatment for those things doesn't help with these other issues i have. i hate being like this and i want to work toward change but i don't know what to do to work toward it. 😞

like i said i have trouble making friends and i always have since i was a kid. i've always felt like an alien compared to other ppl. and that's fine because i prefer being alone. but i hate that i can't act normal in social situations and ppl always think im rude or weird when im not trying to be 😢 and it sucks because i kinda have to be in social settings sometimes because i have children. and i dread it for these reasons every time. nobody is interested in the same things as me. and when i talk about my interests ppl tell me im too obsessed with something or tell me its weird altogether. which hurts. and when i am able to make "friends" i always get taken advantage of because i can never tell when someone is taking advantage of me and my kindness or if they have malicious intentions with me. and i feel stupid every time because my bf will tell me they are "obviously playing you" or my mom will say stuff like "can't you tell that they aren't interested?" or the one i always get is "why can't you see that this guy is flirting with you/trying to sleep with you."

idk if im just having a panic attack or a mental breakdown or what. but this has been building up inside of me for years. i feel so stupid and weird. i have to carry lotion around with me because if my hands don't have moisture on them at all times i literally sit there with chills going up my spine and i can't touch anything. certain clothes make me want to rip my skin off. and my family gets annoyed every time i have to run back in the house because i forgot to grab it. which just adds to the guilt i feel for being this way and i can't control these issues no matter how hard i try.

i've literally made so many lists and "rules" for myself on how to act around ppl and i try so hard to follow them just to get through whatever event is going on.

i think thats why i throw myself into my interests and use them to escape reality so much. once i find something i like i become obsessed with it forever and i talk about it so much to the point where my bf tells me its too much. certain characters and shows are the only thing that brings me comfort sometimes. i have so many unnecessary lists and categories for my interests. i know its very time consuming and pointless but just having them makes me feel better. like pinterest for example is my best friend lol. making these lists and stuff just soothes me in a way. as stupid as that sounds. but even tho it comforts me it still makes me feel stupid because ive never met anyone else who does that.

i've never ever spoken about this stuff online/publicly before. mainly because of embarrassment and fear of being bullied for it since ive already been relentlessly harassed for a million other things. i just have so much anxiety all the time. and doing pointless things helps with it but i want to stop feeling this way. or at least have answers as to why i am this way so maybe i can fix it. im tired of feeling awkward or different from other ppl. i want to be normal and pleasant to be around. i want to get along with the other parents at school functions instead of being scared to talk to ppl. i can't even make eye contact with anyone i talk to. ive tried since i was LITERALLY a child and no matter what i always get scared or nervous and look away. and its really noticeable to other ppl because they've mentioned it to me.

i'm posting this to vent but also maybe someone reading this has gone through the same thing or can help me. because i feel so hopeless and im scared im going to be this way forever. ive only been able to find info on the sensory thing and ive found that there is no way to get rid of it. ive tried everything and ive given up on that. but i know i can change my actions and how i interact with ppl if i can just figure out WHY i am like this.

pls don't laugh at me or say anything mean if you choose to comment on this post. i already have so much anxiety and fear about posting it. i don't want sympathy or anything like that. i just need help 😞🥺😢

i have an appointment booked for seeing a psychiatrist but that isn't until november i haven't seen one since i was a little kid. so i'm hoping to maybe get some answers in the meantime.

i already can't work and im getting disability soon because my bipolar is so crippling. it affects my ability to function so much. and i have these other problems on top of it. the fact that i can't even make a living like "normal" ppl makes me feel bad about myself already. and since i can't get a job or a career i want i just want to feel normal in my everyday life and around ppl AT THE VERY LEAST.

[yuukei-yikes]

can we get uhhhhhh some hibiya thoughts

yes. yes. yes. i fucking love hibiya. he's LITERALLY A LITTLE GUY when i got into kagepro he was one of my faves actually cuz he was the closest to my age at the time. i was 13… im 22 now! lol thats not weird at all *eye twitch* sry ive been weird abt the passage of time lately. erm wait this isnt my therapy session <- doesnt go to therapy

HIBIYA. LITTLE GUY. my thoughts on him………honestly, i recently reread all the novels and god his intro chapters were HARD to read. all the creepy stuff abt hiyori yknow. i was cringing so hard. i kinda wanna ignore it bc i'd rather do that with the weird bits kagepro has to offer, but not to get rid of it completely. like id take away hibiyas whole thing abt a collection of hiyori pics but still keep the aspect of him that worships her. and how that dynamic would COMPLETELY go away post str.

post str hibiya is VERY different from how he started out. i mean. 10 year old timeloop…. he hasn't grown at all mentally like he has to process all this with his 12 year old brain, but going through all he did he just kinda looks at things rly differently now. not obsessed with hiyori, for one…. and she's also different to him. their relationship changes drastically bc now they both respect each other LOL listen i know im annoying with my codependent relationship headcanons but… eyes hibiya and hiyori

these bitches are 12. spent 10 years watching each other die over and over and literally die for each other. AND THEN THEY GET EACH OTHER BACK? ERM. yeah theyre NOT letting go of each other. its not so much codependency as much as it is awful awful awful separation anxiety. god are there any fics of hibiya and hiyori going back home and having a breakdown at having to separate and go to their own houses (bc in the city they were living together so it doesnt hit that they need to separate until they go home)???

hiyori would still be kinda bitchy and bossy but definitely not horrible to hibiya. and also her attitude hits different when she's also always holding his hand and refusing to go anywhere without him and throwing tantrums when any of the dan members even imply any activity that would require to separate them. and she wouldnt rly be embarrassed abt it i think hiyori would be super open and vocal abt HIBIYA HAS TO BE WITH ME ALL THE TIME !!!!!! and hibiya isnt even flustered hes just like *NODDING NODDING NODDING* bc he's the same with her. girl… SEPARATION ANXIETY HIBIHIYO<3 mekadan so sick in the head <3 they have 78 undiagnosed mental illnesses <3

not to make it abt my future headcanons of psych major hibiya but. new generations man. hibiya is 10000% the one in the dan going like GUYS WHAT HAPPENED TO US WAS SOOOO MESSED UP and everyone's like lol yeah !!!! and he's like DONT LOL ABOUT THIS IM FUCKING SERIOUS??? especially since he's such a fucking outsider to everything like everyone else's been experiencing all these tragedies since they were born and he just kinda. had a normal life before? and like i said NEW GENERATIONS MAN THEYRE PSYCHOANALYSING THEMSELVES AND EVERYONE AROUND THEM…. the dan is so used to this shit that they kinda lmao rock and roll thru it and hibiyas like NO. NO. NO. EVERYONE. THERAPY. NOW!!!!!! it becomes his special interest he starts getting all into psychology and when he comes back to the city for his visits suddenly he's diagnosing everyone with stuff and the dans like *shaking* MAKE THE KID SHUT UP also realises he has separation anxiety with hiyori and works on it. hiyori is surprisingly the one most terrified of letting go. and like i said…. 10 year long time loop being processed in a 12/13 year old brain.. hibiya is SUPER self aware. he makes sure of it

ok and. heh. haruka. THE WHOLE HIBIYA HIYORI AND HARUKA THING COULD BE ITS OWN POST… SO… IM LEAVING IT HERE CUZ THIS IS ALREADY SUPER LONG but im just gonna say. hibiya's IN DENIAL of konoha being gone. he keeps expecting haruka to go away. hibiya THINKS he's super mature, and he is for his age bc of all this shit and his willingness to understand his problems and everyone else's. and everyone else also think he is mature, but this is just something he can't stop being a 12 year old about. his friend is gone! WHY does it have to be gone!?!? especially in an ending where hiyori is back. if she wasnt, then he'd be more accepting of the losses bc there were 2 both konoha and hiyori and like it becomes another whole thing abt letting go and mourning but if she is back…everything is supposed to be perfect!! everyone made it back!! why couldn't konoha? why does it have to be gone? its not fair! he doesnt care this haruka was the body's true owner!! konoha was his friend! it also deserved to live as much as this haruka guy!!! why is HE more important!!!?!?!?!? and he just. he's just insanely immature abt it. and he knows he is but truth is he's just really fucking sad and regretful about konoha being gone. i could also talk about hiyori and harukas feelings abt it but heheh yeah this is super long. erm. hibiyita el chiquito <3 hibiya throwing a tantrum in front of the whole dan abt how it isnt fair and how he wishes haruka would just die. LMAO. he is 12. if anyone has fic commissions open Eye eye

also erm wholesome one before i end it. he makes little miniature dolls of the whole dan<3 he's BAD at typing on his new smartphone but since he lives away hes always texting in the gc<3 he gets super into mobile games<3 amongus fan hibiya asking all his grownup friends with jobs and no time for amongus if anyone can play with him<3 they do bc theyre busy but there will always be time to amongus with friends<3

[whumpshaped]

that last ask got me thinking (and obviously you in no way have to answer this if you don't want to)

use this as an excuse to talk about your disorders/illnesses:)) educate, rant, list them all down or trauma dump if you'd like - i give you full permission to talk about whatever you want

ily and your work by the way<3

putting it under a cut bc meh. but also im glad u like my work :)

i do that enough to my friends tbh. im not a professional. + i kinda feel like by disclosing i have npd to defend my portrayal of it was already counterproductive bc no one should have to do that just to write some random short story on tumblr dot com. i just get defensive and paranoid abt being attacked lol its silly. when in the story its never even mentioned that seth has it its just smth i feel he does have. and hes my oc SO-

if anything honestly i just wanna say ppl can be good or bad regardless of mental state. ppl can exhibit traits of mental illness without having the mental illness. most disorders r literally just... normal feelings or stuff thats amplified to the point it interferes w ur life. like anxiety. everyone has felt anxious before. not everyone finds it difficult to leave the house and go to school bc of full blown anxiety attacks. i think thats what my environment never rly understood and i wish more ppl would. u Might experience some of it but like... yeah. its not the same scale or same frequency. and abt pds, they SUCK to experience. if u ever feel like its annoying to be around someone w a pd, please remember, IT SUCKS TO HAVE THEM SOMETIMES. LOTS OF TIMES. IT SUCKS FOR ME AT LEAST. its exhausting sometimes and painful and annoying and hinders stuff and its not a fun time especially when other ppl wanna put fuel on the fire and say ur also a Bad Person and Hard To Be Around

[put-me-in-a-movie-mp3]

Hey! Could you pair me with someone from stranger things or harry potter or IT? Also love your writing ! Im a female and pref boys <3 Also for Harry potter im a hufflepuff!

LOOKS-I am pretty short 4'11. I have black shaggy medium length hair with side bangs. Im pretty petite and have very pale skin, i also wear golden round glasses cause i cant see for shit. I have a pretty small ahem chest area. Also a Pisces.

CLOTHING-I normally wear baggy clothes like big sweaters and baggy jeans. Always wearing my converse or white airforces (I know basic dont come at me i swear i have good style somtimes lol)with my outfits. No makeup on this face except cherry chapstick and clear mascara.

PERSONALITY- I can be very shy and quiet especially around new people or alot of people. I have major social anxiety and also ADHD. But getting to know me i can be funny and a bit odd. I'm also very awkward at times even with people im close with im very cut off and not open to sharing things alot. i try not being to annoying or bother some so thats why sometimes im distant. I tend to over think things and my relationships with people. Im not as hyper anymore like i was as a kid but still i space off, get distracted, forget alot of things, and cant sit still sometimes. Im a INTP.

EXTRA-I have many scars and bruises from being clumsy or just a dumb ass. In school i can be a target for bullying or just ignoring me overall. Can be oblivious and childish. I get flustered very easily. Some of the things i like to do is drawing and painting. I also play video games a lot. I love listening to music you can always find me with earbuds in. I love reading poetry. I love gardening well most of the time. I see myself sometimes to be such a hopeless romantic sometimes in my opinion daydreaming about my crush or people. I would be the type of partner to draw you stuff or make a playlist for you. I love cuddling, hugs, hand holding, and drawing on your hand if you let me. I always thinking of gifts to give my partner when i have one.

Of course! Hope you enjoy! :)

Stranger Things: Mike Wheeler

I think you and Mike would get along really well together. You were apart of hellfire, which is how you guys met. In school you were either bullied or ignored, which is something Mike completely understood because the same thing happened to him. He loves reading your writings and you guys bond over the music you listen too. He helps you with your social anxiety a lot by either holding your hand or having an arm around just to let you know that everything is okay. He always wants to make sure you're alright and that nothing is going to happen to you. He doesn't want to lose you as you are very important to him. More important than you think.

Harry Potter: Harry Potter

I think you and Harry Potter would be perfect for each other. First he notices you getting bullied by Draco, which is something that happens to him so he felt like he needed to stand up for you. He didn't want Draco making fun of you because he knows how hurtful it was. You were really quiet around Harry at first because he's "the chosen one" and you were a bit apprehensive about it. You just didn't think it was possible that he would have stuck up for you. After that incident it was just smiles at each other through the hallways, but then when you both get paired in a class for a group project you start to learn a lot more about each other. And some would say you spent too much time on this project and most of the time you guys were have deep conversations and getting to know each other better. Then you both started to fall for each other.

I think he would love your artistic side with your writings, paintings, and drawings. He loves you and he feels like he needs to protect you from all the evil in the world, which makes him want to defeat Voldemort even more.

IT: Bill Denbrough

You and Bill would be perfect for each other. You both are really interested in writing and thats something you guys really bond over. You have always been apart of the group and even though Bill had been head over heels for Beverly he got over her once he met you. You had a lot more in common and you were a bit more of a mystery to Ben then Beverly was. He got bullied a lot as a kid and had a stuttering problem, which made him have extreme social anxiety. You guys bond a lot over your problems and what you deal with. You end up finding out you have a lot more in common than you guys thought. You also make him want to defeat Pennywise even more because he wants to protect you.

[shipping-is-the-shit]

My Loud House Sin kids AU

(Sin Kids meaning- a fandom term for fictional sibling x sibling ship kids or fictional adult/minor ship kids)

So I’ve been getting into the loud house fandom lately and i found out the “sin kids” concept/AU where Lincoln has kids with his sisters and stuff, so yeah you know how that is, anyway i decided to create my own sin kids but between Bobby x Lincoln. The ship was first inspired by @samsuchan​ and by then i hadn’t really thought of the idea of bobby x lincoln but when I actually thought about it it sounded cute so decided to draw their sin kids

(yes i am aware that bobby looks different here, i just don’t really like his headshape plus this is easier to draw)

So this is how my AU goes, It all started normally till after the episode where Lincoln and Bobby hang out,Lincoln finds out that he unfortunately has a crush on Bobby and tries to surpress the feelings because of the age gap and cause he’s dating Lori so later on they find out they have feelings for each other and then start having their secret relationship, it’s all fine and good till one day Bobby drinks Lisa’s potion and then one day unknowingly has a kid, he had no idea about it cause his stomach didn’t even swell and he wasn’t even showing the usual pregnancy symptoms, he just went to take a dump one day and found a fucking baby that looked identical to him and Lincoln, Bobby asks to move out and tries to keep the birth of the kid a secret from everyone except Lincoln, they keep unknowingly having more kids, thinking the effects of the potion would’ve worn off but it didn’t till their seventh kid, when Lincoln turned eighteen he moved out to go live with bobby and the kids but it didn’t take long for everyone to find out what was going on and be surprised and furious, well furious mostly referring to Mr and Mrs Loud, Lori,Ronnie Anne and the Casagrandes of course. They currently have seven kids though i’m still struggling with whether or not this takes place in the original sin kids AU of the loud house especially since Bobby is supposed to be dead in that AU, Well anyways time to introduce the kids!

LUISA   LOUD, 16 years old

She is sixteen years old but mature for her age. She has a studious, serious and formal personality. She dislikes her buck teeth because she thinks less people might take her seriously because of it. She does smile but it doesn’t happen much. She loves reading adventure/mystery novels and is neat and organized like her father Bobby. She is responsible so she gets easily annoyed with her other sisters’s irresponsibility and she always does her best to please people and abide by rules.

  LILIANA LOUD, 15 years old

A total comic book enthusiast,she does play video games but spends most of her time drawing comics and manga and watching anime. She has anxiety and stutters with her words. She can be kind and sweet but likes saying humorous depressed and suicidal lines from time to time which can most times annoy or creep out her sisters and parents. She is an anti-social shut in with no friends and just like her dad Bobby she is very clingy to people she’s close to. She can’t even imagine a single day without her dads and is very clearly not independent on her own. Her favorite comic book series is Ace Savvy which she likes to read with her dad Lincoln plus she also has a hobby of drawing hentai which she tries to hide from everyone.

   LUPE   LOUD, 14 years old

Lupe is extremely irresponsible, feared by almost all of her sisters and sometimes even her parents!, she is considered to be “that one sibling you just don’t want to fuck with” in the house of the Loud and sees herself as a badass and regularly makes snarky comments . She likes to be on her own with her own private space but is not as anti-social as Lilianna . She gets annoyed easily and regularly yells at her siblings (tho its mostly the younger ones). She is not as petty as to do random shit just to piss people off but she’ll do it if she hates you. She also finds it fun to regularly tease people(not in a sexual way) and also likes to play videogames. Her favorite band is also “SMOOCH” though she can’t play any musical instruments so she just listens to music.She can sometimes be close with her sisters Liliana and Luz.She also regularly swears in spanish.

LUPITA  LOUD, 13 years old

She is as cool as a cucumber and is very level headed and chill like her father and doesn’t really care or get bothered by most things though unlike Bobby she is extremely lazy and mostly spends her time lazing around the house much to Bobby’s disappointment. She sees herself as cool and is also obsessed with being cool . She gets unhappy when she has to do work even if it’s for her own good. Her favorite past time is sleeping, she doesn’t really have any skills and even if she does it’s probably something stupid like being able to make a fart sound with your armpit or being able to get your toe to touch your nose, she also uses the word “dude” in almost every sentence. Her laziness can also annoy her siblings from time to time.

    LUZ     LOUD, 12 years old

(yes she’s inspired from the owl house)

  Luz is the main character of my Lincoln x Bobby AU, she is a very happy go lucky girl and is always optimistic. She is trustworthy of everyone around her which can make her a victim of her sisters’s plans as she is gullible, despite being dimwitted she is very good at making plans to get out of sticky or difficult  situations. She also dreams to be an astronaut when she grows up and likes designing spaceship ideas. Her favorite past time is playing video games with her dad Lincoln though other times she considers Lupa as her gaming partner. Lupa and Luz constantly argue but they have their moments. Luz also reads comics from time to time though only if they have something to do with space.

LORENA   LOUD, 11 years old

Lorena is a very mischeivious girl who is always looking for new ways to piss people off all in the name of getting a reaction, she does this to everybody though her favorite victim is Lupa. She likes to be an annoying asshole to almost everyone and rarely abides by the rules. Her favorite past time is pulling ghost pranks and making fun of people,she finds joy in laughing at others misfortunes,she also makes ghost jokes. She likes reading comics about ghosts and has a big interest for paranormal stuff. She is a big fan of ghostbusters and dreams of being an excorcist when she grows up.She also has a bit of a gothish personality. Just think of her entire personality as that annoying and buggy little sister,yeah thats her.

LUCIANA    LOUD, 10 years old

  Despite her age, her street smarts is on a whole other level. She has a huge interest in business or commerce topics or subjects. She has a calm personality but is most times obnoxious, she also really likes money, especially gaining it. She is known to be a trickster both in the house of the louds and even out in the streets. She helps her dad Bobby to run his store and one day hopes to be a successful businesswoman in the future. Her partner in crime and the one she hangs out the most with is Lorena.

Hope you guys like my idea and the characters!

Content about the characters or my AU will always be appreciated!

The original sin kids AU was inspired by (or atleast i think it was) @liosdoodles , @trillhouse-lh , @patanu102​ , @sadistcshy​ 

This is hands down the most cursed thing i have ever drawn lol.

[vrisrezis]

Hello can i request a matchup for south park? First of all i have short wavy/curly dark brown hair with curtain bangs and brown eyes, tanned skin but not too tanned. I am 5'2 and wear contact lenses. I generally hate typing but i love calling with my friends if im really comfortable with them. I like playing videogames like league of legends, ghostrunner, assassins creed. And i sometimes play vrchat with friends. Im sometimes optimistic and is really into quotes sooo i hope im good at communicating. From what my friends say i can be sassy alot but most of the time its sarcastical well thats what they think. Anyways i play violin in an orchestra im really pro at it. I have two rats and an annoying little sister and a nice mom. My rats are like my children i love them so much and use msot of my money on them. I also generally like kid toys. I like slime a lot. Kid toys are fun to open and sometimes i play barbie with my figures. hehe. I like trolling a lot and pretending to be people. Although just because i seem like i have a normal life i have some cons. I suffer from severe depression & social anxiety + some attention problems. I struggle giving someone attention and listening to a person. Usually people can get mad or sad when i dont listen to them or daydream. I can often forget easily what people tell me due to not being concentrated at it. I also cant listen to someone without moving my hands like cracking them or moving a part of my body. I also usually can ignore someone easily without realising it. I also struggle communicating or socializing with peopple due to my social anxiety :) I got friends and i really open a lot to them but never my problems or anything! I dont wanna be annoying to them LOL. I go to psychology every week. I also go to a place once a month where u meet other people that also got some problems like you! Most of the time i go there so i dont stay in my room and so i can practice communicating with people. dayum bruh i got too emotional writing that. ANYWAYS i get connected to animals REALLY REALLY FAST. You literally cant take me to a pet store and let me look at them or pet them i will love them too fast and start crying for not getting them. I also get attached to people really quickly. I love music A LOT. I like dancepop and love dancing. I also like dressing up pretending im a model and take pictures lol. I like taking photos of beautiful stuff that i see in the streets or city and even nature. I love going camping and i also really like going on vacations. Sleeping is also something i do a lot!! Sometimes when i just wanna go away from everything i tend to go sleep to dream and do stuff in my dreams instead :). Im also a "witch" not really a witch but i tend to do tarot and witchcraft. Ive been studying for it about 3 years so id say im average at it. I also do subliminales and have also been doing it for 3 years! I used to do commissions and get a lot of money from it. I have a part time job at a restauraunt. I try to get as much as money for my rats and myself. :). I have to pay everything for my rats on my own so i need a job for that lol. My fav series are skins, rick n morty, bojack horseman and south park. I also have a smoking addiction im trying to get over :)) but i really think thats it LOL

Hello fellow bojack horseman enjoyer

I ship you with ..

Stan ! !

He would of course enjoy gaming with you, and video chatting if your comfortable. Stan also has a habit of being sarcastic, even without meaning to, so you guys can be sarcastic with eachother a lot. He thinks it’s cool you can play violin and he thinks the amount of care you put into your rats is sweet. He’s a sucker for animals, so this is a given. He kinda shrugs off your love for more childish things, not caring too much but also teases you about it. He totally trolls people online with you, but he doesn’t go too far with it like you might. He doesn’t care that you’re bad at listening too much, since he’s not much of a talker. He has a hard time too sometimes, he usually can just take you back to reality whenever you’re having that issue and he’s quick to realize what’s going on too. He tries to get you to open up more about your problems but understands if you don’t. He can relate to you on feeling attached to animals easily, not so much people though. He can’t say he shares your love for dancepop, but he does enjoy dancing with you regardless.

[ratsoh-writes]

Hihi, this is for the matchups :^D This is my first time ever asking for a matchup, so hopefully this is enough! Sorry for the huge wall of text sfsgfjgjdhs

Personality: I can be quiet and relatively laid back, and I tend to just go with the flow of things. I basically have NPC energy, so I normally won't talk unless addressed first. I'm very goofy when I'm comfortable with someone, and I'm a sucker for puns, memes and generally stupid humor. I can also get loud when I'm excited, but again, only around people I'm comfortable with. I'm kind and considerate of others, and am accepting of all sorts of weird stuff so long as it isn't hurting anyone, I don't judge! I can be really awkward, and sometimes I blurt out garbled nonsense that even I don't understand. I stutter a lot, and I normally need to take time to gather my thoughts so I don't embarrass myself lol

Strengths: I've been told I'm a good listener and that I'm good at comforting people. I'm very patient, too. I tend to stay neutral with things until I hear every perspective, and I'm a bit of a mediator.

Weaknesses: Anxiety and paranoia are a big problem due to some past experiences, so I have trouble going out into public alone. I read tones a lot, so hearing any noticeable shifts towards anger makes me nervous. I get overwhelmed easily, and I don't do well with yelling, either. I'm kinda self conscious about my appearance. I can be forgetful sometimes, too.

Pet Peeves: I absolutely hate it when people bully others for things they can't control. Cringe culture makes me very upset, and I despise when people make others feel bad for harmless things that make them happy. Arrogance and impatience annoy me to no end.

Odd Habits: I'm autistic and have trouble sitting still, so I fidget a lot. Sometimes I just zone out and start walking in big circles while staring into nothing. I flap my hands/arms a lot (though im kinda lowkey about it bc I get self conscious :^[ ) I just stim a bunch lol

Hobbies: drawing, playing video games (mostly rhythm games but I also play other things), listening to music, singing and watching anime/YouTube! I like to listen to podcasts about various topics, too :^]

No-Nos: Being distrusting, disrespecting boundaries and refusing to communicate are big ones. I also will not do well with someone who explodes easily or is loud when angry.

Oh, and one last thing- I'm a sucker for affection, so having someone whose a big cuddler is a must!

I had two guys who were absolutely perfect. The winner winner chicken dinner was RUST (horrorfell sans)!

Rust is very laid back and is one of the biggest teddy bears out there! You’ll get your cuddle fix with him.

He’s also fairly quiet. Ok thats a lie. He’s extremely quiet and even though he’s capable of speech again after his jaw surgery, rust still prefers typing out or signing his responses. When he does speak, its always in low and soft tones. He never yells anymore. So any SO who gets scared by yelling and loud noises should like him. 

Rust is also anxious himself and prefers having a companion when he goes out. He’d never be bothered if you always want him coming with you

dating rust includes:

I said this in another matchup already, but I can say it again. Rust has a lot of potential to become a serious anime nerd. Just give him the right push, and he’ll obsess over all your shows with you.

Rust still has his grumpy old man moments like all the fells, but he’s much more patient than his underfell counterpart. Also working with children has done wonders for getting him to tame his fiery temper. Rust is a skilled comforter and is good at catching you when you’re feeling overwhelmed

he has a big appreciation for art due to his brother noir. Rust would love it if you let him watch you draw!

[smuglemon]

time to vent here because it somehow feels safer then anywhere else 🦎 . it will go into stupid detail cause lol

i just. fucking Hate how. everything has turned out! I hate coming to terms with the fact i have actual trauma . but. it doesnt feel right to say what i went through is trauma even though it was. or maybe it wasnt i dont know but i literally have flashbacks when im feeling weak, i dont KNOW if thats normal. i still just wish things were different i want a different childhood. i know was neglected my whole childhood , i missed months of school my parents fought all the time over drugs i witnessed kittens pass away and i had to deal with that . I know my parents still loved me and tried for me and they are recovered now. but it just hurts so bad still. i coped with everything by having a horrible internet addiction. Which led to me getting insomnia whcih i still suffer from to this day. i wasnt depressed back then but i had horrible anxiety, it wasnt social yet but every time they fought i would break down and i didnt know how to deal with that i still get involuntary shakes whenever i hear yelling from my parents . I wish i could control it but ggahhh fuck. i used escapism to deal with my problems, id just sit and draw and watch my little pony and just look for anything that would be a distraction. I didnt have any friends outside of the internet or school and usualy i wasnt going to school. my parents never wanted to do anything with me and i was always really lonely, id talk to anyone who would talk to me. this led to some good things but a lot of bad things. but all this neglect whether it was trauma inducing or not just led me to not seeing doctors, getting a proper education or learning how to be social . Whcih leads to today!!!!! hahahahahhahahhaha :(

to start I have no friends outside of the internet period anymore. everyone irl left me 2 years ago on a total whim, and i have no reason to believe it was anyone elses but my own fault. I love and appreciate tje friends i still have online, but being suddenly dropped by my old friends left me with really severe abandonment issues with the people im closest with rn :( i need to constantly be with people especially a specific person who my emotions seem to rely on,, i know im the only one who can control how i feel but ggod. it feels like evry emotion they have i have to match it or i will not be good, if im visibly sad when theyre happy i will be left alone agakn and i know that isnt true i know they wouldnt leave me but the fear still exists and i dont know how to get rid of it. i always read too far in nto their tone and worry whether they are mad at me or sad or any other thing, i fear im annoying for constantly asking for reasurance :( and every time they go i fear when they come back they will realise im bad and they will leave me and it feels almost inevitable. i know logically i know i shouldn't but god i have nightmares abt it,, theres so many better people out there. my friends deserve so much better than that.

ive also been diagnosed with ADHD recently ! man as if i didnt have enough problems. its just been really awful to deal with. with a combination of trauma(?) driving me to want to indulge in my childhood fixations and nostalgic things and , like idk if its age regression but just ,, trying to imagine a happier childhood alot. mixed with getting hyperfixated on anything but my school work,, mixed with not having a classroom environment , its lead me to fail 2 semesters of school so far . I feel like I have no future anymore because of that. i feel so lazy and i know im just making excuses for that but despite everything tjat happened i just wanna be a kid again! I want to be raised normally I want to get help for my problems early i wanna not have to worry about anything :( i want to be normal.

[who-peed-in-your-cheerios]

I had my disability reassessment last week. I could barely speak and the woman kept telling me to answer and to speak up and I COULDN'T. She eventually did just speak to my social worker. But UGH she really really wanted me to talk and I felt like she was getting annoyed at me and I feel really stupid for not being able to speak like a normal person. I think she said that we'll continue with disability and also that I'm still pretty much at the start of where I was when I first got to them in terms of my abilities and functioning 😂😂😂😂😂😂 so thats chill.

She wasn't intentionally mean but then seemed annoyed when I couldn't really talk and I left overthinking how she was angry at me, hates me, thinks I was faking and is going to give me 0%. I also feel really frustrsted at myself for not being able to just communicate. BUT LIKE HELLO anxiety is literally my main problem?? If my anxiety had been treated I wouldn't have developed depression or an ED... communication is one of my biggest problems which leaves me unable to navigate this stupid world and that's how my anxiety presents. lol I'm embarrassed of myself 🙃

Anyway I just checked online and I saw it's been extended for 2 years... I am thankful and grateful for what I'm being given. Now that I'm actually in services, they really do a lot for me even though I still just wanna dieiii and that's all I'll ever want lolol

[thefandomsurfer]

Top 10 favorite TG/RE characters? I dont think ive seen a sorta list other than really liking Suzuya. haha.

I’ve actually done a top 20 one for Tokyo ghoul before! However...It changes all the time so its probably a good thing you’re asking me this! Chances are if I get asked this question again in the next month it will all be changed around lol.

 Also I love explaining why I love characters and stuff so Im actually happy to be doing this.

Heres some honorable mentions because there is a chance that if theirs a next time for this-They will be in it because I love them that much:

(Some one I previously didnt care for but now after rereading it like)Furuta-

Ui-

Rize:

Tsukiyama-

Kaneki-

Uta-

Eto Yoshimura(Oof I love her why isnt she in the top 10 wtf me-):

Now onto the list!!

10. Karren von Rosewald

I really...really feel for this character. I dont think shes trans-So I will be using female pronouns and her real name. Karren is someone that I at first had a hard time liking-She was hurting another character I liked after all-But as her arc went on and her character got more fleshed out-I started to like her more and more. Her desire to be loved and just seen by Tsukiyama pulled at my heartstrings and made but just want to hug her. I will forever wish we saw more of her.

9. Hairu Ihei

I really liked her-Even in the very beginning. She was cute and had a funny personality that meshed well with Ui. And then the more intriguing side came out of her-The sorta sadistic and badass side. Hairu was fun to watch fight and I really loved her quinque. And her want to be seen by Arima-It was very similar to Karrens want to be loved-Although not as fleshed out. Over all I wish I had seen her more, especially with Ui because that would have been great and she would probably be higher!

8. Amon Koutarou

Amons someone weve seen since the beginning. He was someone who was really into justice and killing ghouls because that was justice was to him.  However after he was taken and turnt into something he hated most his veiws changed and with that my feelings did-I’ll be honest he was sorta...boring at first. I laughed at his ‘push ups for the dirty minded’ and I also rooted for him and Akira-However there was just something...Missing. And then his return came and that something that was missing was put their. An extra layer and a change of heart! And because of this and his actions in Re: He made it on this list. 

7. Kurona Yasuhisa

I have a soft spot for twins in general-So me loving her was almost decided right off the bat. Her stone cold sass and love she carried for her sister-It made me love her a lot in the first series. And in the second when shes driven by revenge and anger I still loved her and continued to do so. I think her little relationship with Kaneki, Seidou, and Ayato was really cute to! I would have loved to see more as it was both really amusing to watch as well as fun to see the fight scenes with them. Her sass carried onto her later form-maybe to a even greater extent tbh however her character grew to move passed vengeance and even admit jealousy. I just grew to love her even more as time went on.

6. Seidou Takizawa

I wasnt fond of him at first. He was mean to Akira, Annoying to Juuzou, and just overall...bland. So normal and trying to one up other characters then getting bitter because he couldnt. But you see...After rereading the story I realized that he was supposed to be normal. A completely normal guy who never did anything he wasnt supposed to. And thats why when he got taken with Amon and he broke and turned into something completely different it made such a huge impact on the viewers. It was because of how normal he was that his return was so...great. And after that I really, really loved him. Everytime he was on screen and grew I craved for more. And his relationship with Akira and Amon, as well as later on with Kaneki and his little group that teamed up was so interesting and fun to watch. Although it could be just as heartbreaking as fun when it comes to Akira and Amon.

 5. Saiko Yonebayashi

Saiko wasnt someone I liked at first tbh. She was kinda annoying and I wondered why she was their in the first place but then...She developed and got so, so much better. And before I even knew it I realized I was falling in love with her throughout the whole series. Her compassion and want to do the right thing, the actual right thing, made me love her so much. And her love for Urie and Mutsuki-Ow my heart. She was funny and loving and made me smile almost everytime I saw her. And her backstory, although definitely not the saddest in the series, was still enough to make me understand her and pity her. And Something else I loved about her was the fact that it didnt define her. A lot of the other characters got stuck in the past-She didnt. She moved on. And I loved that about her so much.

4. Akira Mado

Akira~Oh geez do I love her. Someone who, in my opinion, is very underrated in the fandom. Shes so wonderfully written as a dominate female character in the show. She is feminine looking wearing skirts, dresses, heels, and having long hair and unlike most shows this doesnt stop her. She is one of the best investigators, rising in rank above a lot of the male ones. Akira has a sharp tongue when need be as well and doesnt take anyones shit. But despite this she inst just strong. Her emotional side is very vulnerable. She cries and makes choices that make her second guess herself. And her journy to forgive Touka and starting to care about Ghouls and their safty-It all made me love her even more. And thats not even getting to the topic of her relationships with Amon, Haise and Seido haha

3. Touka Kirishima

Touka is a wonderfully done character. Her development from a girl who was very angry and hurt to a woman who was understanding but still willing to fight for the people she loves was done great in my opinion. She had to grow into something else then a hateful ghoul and she did. I always loved her. I thought she was a very strong woman that still had depth to her. Her relationship with Ayato and Hinami being the first things that I started to love about her. And when everything started to crumbling for her she mourned but then she got right back up again. She started another Cafe and then she met Haise and got her life on track again. She fought when she had to and protected who she needed to. And overall my love for her grew more and more powerful as the manga went on.

2. Mutsuki Tooru

Now, Once again, I know this character is hated. Like excessively. However I...always loved him. Yes him. Unlike Karren I believe Mutsuki is trans so I will be using male pronouns. Mutsuki in the beginning was just so damn relatable to me. Having Anxiety, being more on the shy side but wanting to do the best you can. That was just...me. I really loved him for that reason and with that came the cuteness he brought. I thought he was really adorable. But then he changed. And the broken parts came out. I...felt so, so bad for him. And Mutsuki is also one of the most interesting characters to me. For me to analyze and watch his actions. And I understood why Mutsuki is the way he is. He was abandoned and hurt, Confused and broken. I felt things for Mutsuki on a different level then I did for almost any other character in the show. And thats why I love him so much.

1. Juuzou Suzuya

Is it really a surprise who my top spot is? Juuzou, My boy. My love. My hope. He is...My favorite character, maybe of all time, for so many reasons. Hes smart, and strong, and so very interesting. His growth into someone who is more intuned to others emotions was so very great to see. He has a squad now and some of my favorite things about him was his relationship with them and their respect and love for him. And juuzou is just so very cute but is also a complete badass. Something I love about him as well is his ability to say such...profound things in such a abstract way. And his love for Shinohara...now dont get me started. I could go on, and on about why I love him. But I’ll save you the trouble haha.

And there you have it!! My New Top 10! It was super fun doing this btw so thanks for that. ^^

Now Im going to go cry over how much I love these characters T.T

[chi-----chi]

This is a post to no one bc idrk if anyone i used to talk to on tumblr or like anyone who follows me is still around but i just wanna share some shit bc this is my blog and i can🤷🏽‍♀️

I joined tumblr when i was like... 13 i think? It wasnt the first online thing i was super involved in. Before that I was on fanpop lol. Anyway, i really got into it bc it was a bunch of people involved in ‘geeky’ stuff and that wasnt normal in my small town. It made me feel really accepted and it was cool. I even made some cool friends (not a lot bc i feared talking to strangers lol) but it kinda fucked me up too?

Now im sure people have noticed and i really dont know if this is the case still cause i rlly only follow meme blogs but there eas a desire on this site to just be miserable during the first 3 years i was on here. Everybody wanted to be sad or offended by legitimately everything. It was fucked up but as a young kid (who had no business on this site honestly) this really influenced me. I felt that in order to fit in or just onderstand i kinda needed to be miserable?? I got myself into these deep depressed states and these awful mindsets because thats how the internet said i should be. I became withdrawn and I really think this mindset is really what triggered my social anxiety. (I kinda figured id get normal anxiety cause of genes but not social oof)

At first i had it in my head that i wasnt gonna talk to people bc i live in a small town and theyre ignorant and racist (my town is mostly half breeds and mexicans and i was an asshole). I kinda got this god complex??? Like somehow i was better bc i read a few posts on tumblr about new age issues. This hate kinda grew into fear tho. Like over the years instead of wondering what was wrong with people i started to wonder what was wrong with me? I started to fear anyone i saw laughing or even talking near me bc i assumed it was about me. I wouldnt talk to my friends if they were at a table with strangers bc i feared i would annoy them or they would dislike me. I sat alone during morning break my 9th grade year because i didnt want to disturb my friends at a table with like 2 strangers. I started thinking my friends hated me and even my family and... god i was alone and i didnt feel like this was right anymore?? Like at first i liked relating to all the edgy textposts and memes about hating others and being alone but it got to real.

I started getting breathing pains in 9th grade where i wouldnt be able to breath all the way in and i couldnt get enough air but ot faded. I got kinda good at talking to people again bit i was still scared. I would sit alone in most classes cause none of my friends had the same classes as me but that was cool because my safe haven was band first period and lunch and those two periods just really got me to kinda open up. I ended up becoming a section leader for band and thats a lotta strangers i gotta be in charge of but it was ok until my junior year. I started having the breathing pains again but it was different. I really couldnt get any air and it made me wanna faint. I ended up leaving in the middle of morning rehearsals one day and me and my mom went to the clinic. The dr examined my breathing and what not and determined that I had been having mini panic attacks. We finally got me started on some meds even tho my mom and dad werent sure but god they changed my life.

The rest of my junior year went well and me and my parents noticed a change right awwy. My fears feom before were just like poofed away. My senior year tho was the changer. I did so mich sit and had so much fun. I could just talk to people??? I could go up to someone and just talk to them??? I could call my own appointments or other lines. It was so new but at the same time i didnt even realise i was changing. I stopped getting on tumblr bc it was just bumming me out. I had this new perspective on life and god i was just so sick of being miserable and hating myself.

I love being me now. I love that i can talk and meet new people and go to new places withought fear. I feel so grounded and free to be me. Im not worried about impressing others or caring about if certain people will care what i posted or whatever. I was done worrying and hating and i was ready to be in the moment and be me for once in my life. I was finally feeling confident.

Im in college now and im happy. Im not afraid to stand up for myself anymore and im willing to ask questions in class. I can sit alone in my room for a day without me thinking im alone cause im hated. And i can get on tumblr again and look at funny poctures and reminisce in my old days of a fandom blogger and what not. It wasnt all bad, i made some really great friends and i may not talk to them but I remember them and I remember feeling acceptance from them which ment a lot to me back then. I also got just really informed on what was happening in the world and the issues within peoples lives and thats part of the reason i became and family and child sciences major.

Im happy about the person ive become and im ready for what else is to come. Thanks

[kingasriel]

whats your rank of best WoF books?

shit dude thats such a hard question theyre just. So good

okay okay i think i got this so

1st - darkness of dragons, cause ugh. im gonna have to reread it now cause it fucks me up!! 99% of the book was so fucking good and i LOVE qibli SO MUCH i was just full of sunshine that he had his own book! also despite its shit terrible ending cause i wrote my own that a good portion of the fanbase considers canon over sutherlands so. not to kiss my own ass but its my book now and the best

2nd - darkstalker legends, oF COURSE cause im a huge fucking shithole kinnie!! i love that little bastard child!! and his sister!! and fathom! (clearsight can suck it) anyway that book really hit home hard with my family of abusers and the dynamic between my parents oh lor d! and darkstalker/whiteout are basically like the two sides of my little DID ass back then and i just. man that book made me cry! i gotta shut up before i only talk about this one lol

3rd - talons of power, b=cause i love that little turtle prince hes SO GOOD! he and peril are siblings and i WILL protect them!! also again for purrsonal reasons, im a scalie, and it was the book when darkstalker was first released and m an . i love this fucking little asshole. king of the shitlords. founder of the badly written abuse victims club. and i loved learning more about turtle and his own shit but also hang on EXCUSE Me why are he and kinkajou straight?? tui do you have eyes?

4th - moon rising, honestly this one is also really personal to me because it came out when i was REALLY hittin the depression hard and it was just so. wonderful and ofc i loved darkstalker immediatly lmao but it also introduced the Fun Gang of little gays and i just. love that winglet if anything happened to them id kill everyone in the room including myself (sidenote, sutherland is a fucking coward for not making winter/qibli a thing cause idk if shes reading what im reading cause those dragons are Not Hetero)

5/6th - escaping peril, becua se oh my god that was the arc that peril fucking deserves! i know sutherland has been really fucky with how she writes abuse victims but i felt like that book was good at portraying a mentally ill abuse victim’s recovery like. it was so fucking cathartic to read am so down for this theme of abused kids killing their parents! rest in shit scarlet and arctic!! i just love peril so much and though she deserves better than to be written hetero i hope that some abused kids can read her book and know theyre not the ones at fault?? idk man it was just refreshing

5/6th - the hidden kingdom, cause i LOVE glory so much and honestly this ones tied with perils book cause both are such satasfying arcs for abused characters. glory was a huge CC of mine back in the abused days and i definitely cried when she became queen shes just So Good. AND KINKAJOU!! the absolute #1 little banana! i love her so mUCh and sutherland is once again a coward for nearly killing her then making her straight AND not even giving her a book?? wheres my kinkajou book? wHEr

7th - the dark secret, cause who doesnt fucking love our favorite anxiety librarian !! i hate his weird gross straight crush on sunny (theyre like adopted siblings sutherland what the fuck!!) but aside from bad writing its so good like im so sorry poor dear your family sucks sO MUCH! and fatespeaker is honestly precious, those other children all deserved so much better omg. i jsut loved reading starflight and him overcoming is struggles im so proud ALSO MORROWSEER DIES HAAHHH

8th - the dragonet prophecy, i feel kinda bad putting this so low because i also love the first winglet (except sunny) but especially clay hes. SO good and round! soft and gentle potato! i wish he was my brother holy shit also gotta love that escape from abuse narrative! love those fucking kiddos theyre blessed, i guess id put it down here bc sunnys annoying but the rest of the book makes up for it especially the arena parts were so intense

9th - winter turning, cause even though sometimes he leans too hard on Het Prick i blame again the bad writing and i was still happy to read him experience actual growth and learning about his abuse was ooohghf. jesus christ im glad once again it ended with a change of heart and an abuse victim escaping their shitty relatives like LORD!

10th - the lost heir, and dont get me wrong i love tsunami, this book is mostly down on the bottom because i HATE mothers and her mother is insufferable in this book and reminds me of my own and its just. ugh. all kinds of yuck. coral die challenge. otherwise i love tsunami’s arcs and the sea kingdom was so beautiful and cool and seawing culture is fucking radical i loved the underwater segments sm! tsu, anenome, and auklet deserve better pls protect

11th - the brightest night, cause AAUHGH SUNNY. its weird cause i used to love this book so much and relate to sunny a lot before i realized i related to it because of how hard id been gaslighted and shes actually pretty fucking annoying in pressing her abused siblings into forgiving/loving their abusers and even partaking in the gaslighting herself. of course shes the only one who got a decent mother too! like it wouldve been better if shed gone through a realization like i had but nope! shes terribly written and honestly contributed to my own trauma cause i read that when i was younger and was like oh lol okay thats normal! im sure (abuser) actually means well like ive been thinking all along! idk i dont like her perspective being out there for impressionable abused kids like me. that aside i do really love thorn My Queen and the sandwing kingdom and that ending was fucking awesome

12th - the lost continent, i mean, i havent even read all of this one cause i dont want to pay money for a book that is full of racism apologism holy shit? and using such sensitive topics as slavery and genocide when sutherland isnt black/jewish/native? like from what ive read from the online excerpts and heard from others these things were just used as a plot device and not only that, a really ugly narrative about how hating oppression is bad cause uwu not all in privilege are like that!! blue deserved better than that! and i dont trust or like cricket at all, i wish i could but shit dude! also the racism of that clearsight religion on top of everything just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. i hope sutherland gets her head out of her ass and maybe next time have the help of people who know what theyre writing about in subjects outside of your experience! just give me a book about peacemaker being gay! jesus

im not counting the winglets cause i dont remember them enough ahgjkdh but let it be known that i Fucking Hate deathbringer

[amaralanegra]

Into the Abyss (and back into you)

ao3 link

Chapter 1:  First Day

Pairings: A LOT

Warnings: none atm

Summary: After being rescued, child soldier survivor Bucky Barnes tries his hardest to have a normal, ordinary high school life despite the terrors that still haunt him. One day, he receives an email that he thought would never come -- the private investigator he had hired found his mother. He has to make a plan and act quick if he doesn't want to lose her again. Sam Wilson, aspiring therapist, loves his family and his friends. After his best friend Bucky cuts off communication from their friend group, his sister goes missing. A hashtag, a social media movement, a nationwide search. But there's no trace of her. After finishing high school, Bucky contacts him once more, telling him that he knows where to find his sister. With the help of his friends, they all travel throughout the United States to find Sam's sister and Bucky's mother. And perhaps love in the way, too.

A/N: DONT FORGET TO LIKE COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE

Steve♢ is online

Erik ( ಠ ಠ) is online

Bucky ( ˘-___-) is online

Sammy is online

 Steve ♢: first day of school o(*^▽^*)o

Steve ♢: you guys excited?

Erik ( ಠ ಠ): of course

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): i cant wait to finally step into that hellhole we call school

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): and die.

Bucky ( ˘-__-): ^

Sammy: facts

Steve ♢: you guys…

Steve ♢: we only have this year together!

Steve ♢: we gotta enjoy it!

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): oh ill enjoy it alright

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): im always happy whenever i get home from school u know

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): its a good change from the crippling depression i feel whenever i step into those shitty gates of hell

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): did i also mention i get diabetes type fuck-school whenever i enter school

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): its life-threatening steve

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): i could die

Sammy: tick tock then bitch

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): shut up sam

Steve ♢: come ooooon

Steve ♢: you'll be ok! You have me, Sam and Bucky!

Steve ♢: i honestly think this year will be great! Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): yeah

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): i hope so too

Sammy: Alright Steve we'll see you at school

Sammy: I’m about to start driving now

Steve ♢: ok, see you guys! Bucky ( ˘-___-): Oh hey btw

Bucky ( ˘-___-): Don't forget to eat

Bucky ( ˘-___-): You always skip breakfast...

Bucky ( ˘-___-): At least drink orange juice

Bucky ( ˘-___-): That should help a bit

Steve ♢: yep!

Steve ♢: i won’t forget (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ

Bucky ( ˘-___-): Good!

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): gay

Bucky ( ˘-___-): I meant that in the most heterosexual way possible

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): when do you ever

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): remember that time you pulled down Steve’s pants while we were at the pool high af

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): because i do

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): and his ass...

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): it haunts me

Steve ♢: i tend to have that effect on people.

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): i haven’t been able to sleep since then Steve

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): you monster

Bucky ( ˘-___-): Erik hurry up we’re already waiting outside

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): dont you fucking try to change the subject

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): remember that time you pole danced and strip teased when you were drunk out of your mind

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): because i do

Steve ♢: but that happened last month

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): and yet it feels like an eternity

Bucky ( ˘-___-): Why can’t you guys forget the embarrassing shit I do for like once in your lives.

Sammy: cuz it was fucking hilarious thats why LMFAO I think I still have those polaroid pics somewhere

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): n cuz that’s what friends do

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): and apparently for you friendship is also traumatizing me with steves bare ass and your slutty pole dancing

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): i’ve had night terrors ever since

Steve ♢: lol

Bucky ( ˘-___-): Erik. hurry up. before I go in there. and beat you. in the face and ass.

Bucky ( ˘-___-): We’re already late. Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): aw

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): come on you know that my hair takes long

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): shit i should be a model for l'oreal

Sammy: we’re leaving

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): okokokok im going out

Steve ♢: lol be careful

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): we will try

Bucky ( ˘-___-): See you Steve!

Steve ♢: byeee

 Steve ♢ is offline

Bucky ( ˘-___-) is offline

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ) is offline

Sammy is offline

 “About time,” Bucky says as he reclines in his seat and pulls down his beanie with a huff, almost fully covering his eyebrows. Sam looks at the backseat through the rearview mirror as Erik lazily opens the door and sits on the middle of the backseat with a groan, his black hoodie still pulled up and hiding half his face.

“Sorry.” Erik says, sounding annoyed and not sorry at all. Both boys can hear the loud trap music coming from one bud of his gold earphones while the other hangs low down his neck. He leans back and closes his eyes, already looking drained of energy before the day even starts. “There was a problem.”

Sam starts his car while keeping both of his hands on the steering wheel, “What happened?” he asks.

“Is Valentina okay?” Bucky also asks, peeking at him over his shoulder.

Erik rolls his eyes at him. “The goddamn cat is fine.” He sighs and sinks further into his seat. “Nah. Do y'all remember my cousin?” Erik taps Bucky’s shoulder to make him fully turn around, as though he wants him to see the pain in his eyes as he speaks. “The one in Wakanda? Annoying, quiet, and thinks he’s better than everybody else?”

Bucky wrinkles his nose in confusion and looks to the side as he tries to remember, but comes up empty. He shrugs.

“Ah,” Sam says, nodding. “Yes, I remember you fondly telling us about him.”

“Well,” Erik says, putting extra emphasis on the word by rolling his eyes once again. “He moved here. Has been at my house all summer. And I have to share my room with him.”

Bucky nods in silent understanding and Sam keeps driving in silence, expecting Erik to continue talking about how his life is full of struggles. But instead Erik sits there with his arms crossed, his eyebrows knitted together and his lips forming a pout like a child. Bucky would call him cute, but starting his morning with a black eye isn’t on his to-do list.

“And um,” Bucky starts, uncertainty in his voice. “That's it?”

“That is it.” Erik scoffs, sliding further into his seat. “I don't want to share my room with him. Shit, I don't want to share it with anyone! Both him and my little cousin, Shuri, are here. They are filthy fucking rich, I don’t get why they gotta live with us.”

Bucky frowns and nods, trying to understand his unique situation. Sam instead feels the need to nervously scratch the back of his neck, but he doesn't want to let go of the steering wheel thanks to his road anxiety preventing him from even looking away. They know that Erik’s mom has been in a… feud of sorts with Erik’s paternal uncle. Erik wasn’t too specific of course, but they remember it made him upset enough to cry. And while they know he’s a soft guy under all the tough facade he puts on – he can’t say he doesn’t cry when watching the pet adoption commercials (“they are all alone, and sad, and the music doesn’t help, you assholes! Stop laughing!”) or that he doesn’t sing his heart out to the opening of his favorite anime – they also know that Erik loves his father, and he loves his mother, but one of them is gone and he has been too overprotective over the only one left. Erik’s hatred for his uncle has not stopped growing since that fight with his mom.

Remembering this, both boys feel an ache in their chest for their friend, wanting nothing more but to make him smile again.

Bucky is not much of a touchy person, so when he stretches to place his hand on Erik’s knee and shakes it in silent comfort, it doesn’t go overlooked. Erik smiles at him, and when he looks to the side of Bucky he sees Sam looking at him intensely.

“What?” He spats out on impulse under the sharp scrutiny.

Sam blinks once, twice, and finally he speaks. “You’re a better person than that old man is, you know.” He slowly says in that therapeutic, soothing voice of his, causing Erik to pause. “You’re a better person than your cousin, who didn’t stand up for you or your dad. You're kind, and you care so much. You— you're not afraid to fight for what's right. You’re way better than them, Erik, don’t you forget that, okay?”

Looking at him with wide eyes, Erik then slowly smiles, thankful for his best friend’s words. It might not fix it all, but it helps, even if just a little bit. He will be caught dead before he ever admits that, though, so instead he says ‘that’s kinda gay’ and laughs when Sam tells him to get the hell out of his car.

“We're here anyways!” He yells out, laughter still present in his voice.

Sam frantically locks his car and rushes to catch up with Erik and Bucky as both argue excitedly about an anime episode that streamed the night before. “Can one of y’all speak English, please?” He pushes them apart to be in the middle of them. “Or Patwah? Me kno ou to speak dat at least.”

Erik playfully elbows him and answers him with that smugness his teachers hate. “Amabini anokudlala oko umdlalo, uyazi,” he answers back, which makes Sam smile brightly and whisper ‘alright, okay, alright’ while elbowing him back.

Bucky, though, smiles and just watches their friendly bickering, finally feeling at home. He missed this feeling. He missed them both so much.

Somehow, they're already in front of their lockers, all three of them stopping together in order starting from Bucky to Sam to Erik. In fact, that’s how they met in middle school. They happened to have been assigned lockers right next to each other when school first started; Erik arrived first and mistook his locker for Sam’s, and when Sam got there Erik wouldn’t let him get close to it. They almost got into a fistfight until they both saw Bucky trying to open the locker they were both fighting for.

Of course, after all three of them were sent to the principal's office, they’ve been best friends ever since.

Erik starts to fumble with his lock, reciting the combination under his breath like he always does with important things he has to remember, until he hears Bucky whisper to Sam to turn around and look.

“Okoye! Koko!” The voice of some girl catches their attention. They turn their eyes to the row of lockers in front of them to see Okoye ‘Koko’ Milaje turn to her girlfriend just in time to catch her as she throws herself at her. Her girlfriend, Nakia, excitedly throws her arms around her middle, burying her face in her girlfriend’s chest. She says something that only Okoye can hear because she laughs brightly, leans down, and presses a kiss to her forehead.

Sam smiles at Bucky, who smiles back at him and says “girls” as though that explains everything and turns to focus on opening his locker. From the corner of his eye he quickly realizes that only two people stop to stare at the couple, and only one looks like they’re disgusted… though they don’t do anything about it, instead opting to turn away from them. Good, Sam thinks. He doesn't have the time for that bullshit so early in the morning. He turns to mention it to Erik, and his friend’s expression is not the annoyed one he expected for witnessing the kiss since he says to hate ‘corny romantic bullshit’ (which is a lie, because he once caught him intensely watching a telenovela in the middle of history class) but instead his expression is just one of...pain.

Sam frowns, confused. Pain...?

“So that’s why he’s here…” Erik whispers, looking away from them.

Bucky peeks over his shoulder and turns to Erik while Sam orderly puts his belongings inside his locker, who is still looking at Erik from the corner of his eye. “Who?” Bucky asks.

“Huh?” Erik stops harshly throwing his books inside his locker to look at him askew. He comes back to himself soon enough though, and he quickly closes his eyes, shaking his head with a sigh. “No, nothing. I was just talking to myself.”

Both Bucky and Sam look at each other, and suddenly, they feel the need to ask him about it again because the troubled look on their friend’s face bothers them, but the ring of the school bell interrupts before either of them can say anything.

“Well, gotta go.” Erik sighs irritably, slamming his locker door closed. “See y’all later – ah, wait. Both of you have art first period, right? With, uh, Ms. Minako?” He asks.

Sam nods. “Yeah, why?”

“Okay, so, my cousin.” Erik says, adding an eyeroll for extra measure. “He’s coming to our school.” Sam and Bucky both raise their eyebrows in surprise, and Erik nods. “Yeah, he’s gonna come to school here, sadly. For some fucking reason. Anyways, he’s probably going to be late since his dumb ass didn’t wake up on time ‘cuz he was busy moping around and I wasn't going to wait for him. He’s in the same class as y’all, I believe, so if y'all could, you know, show him around… or whatever… I’d be… uh,” he coughs into his fist. “I, uh, I’d appreciate it. Seriously.” His voice turns quieter and softer as he finishes, eyes cast away. He leans from one side to another on his heels like he always does when he’s impatient or nervous.

Bucky raises an eyebrow and decides to tease him. “Hold up,” he quickly leans over him, causing Erik to step back. “You’re asking us for a favor?”

“And does that mean you actually care about your cousin?” Sam asks, wrapping his arm around Erik’s shoulder to join in on teasing him too.

Of course, it’s a trick question. Both Bucky and Sam already know that Erik cares a lot about his family (except for his uncle) and that includes his so called ‘frigid ass cousin’, despite… current events. Erik is simply not an openly affectionate person and he would never admit that he’s not the ‘cold-hearted ass bitch’ he claims to be. He would rather dump all of his anime-inspired clothing than admit to having any sort of normal human feelings whatsoever.

“Fuck off!” He yells, pushing Sam off him as Sam laughs at his little tantrum, and Erik is suddenly thankful that his brown skin masks the heat rising to his cheeks. “Just – will you do it or not?!”

“Sure,” Bucky smiles. “He’s uh, quiet—”

“Full of himself—” Sam adds.

“Aaaand he’s annoying. Not hard to spot.” Erik scoffs.

Sam laughs and waves him goodbye. “Okay, you should go before you’re late.”

The smaller teen nods and turns around to head to his class, the sound of his boot heels echoing in the empty halls. While they walk towards their art class, Sam wonders what kind of person Erik’s cousin is and if he's as much of a jerk as Erik makes him out to be. Is he just as grumpy as Erik? Just as smart? Does he also say what’s on his mind without a filter? Does he smile? Is he just as direct? Does he care as deeply, but doesn’t show it? Is he just as soft when he wants to be?

… And is he straight?

“Good morning, Sam! Hello, James!” Ms. Minako welcomes them as they enter her room. “You guys are late.” She’s sitting on the same table as the rest of the students there, with a bunch of different colorful objects laid on it.

“Good morning, ma’am.” Sam greets her, Bucky greeting her too with a wave of his own as they make their way to the farthest seats at the other end of the table. Sam sets his backpack to his right with a pleased hum, while his best friend sits to his left and he takes comfort in the fact that nobody will sit by his right side. There’s plenty of other empty seats around so maybe he’ll have some peace of mind this year (last year he had the misfortune of being seated next to Tony fucking Stark). Besides, it’s not like anyone would decide to sit next to Bucky either, because last year the girl that did so ended up being his designated art partner… and let’s just say… not that many people can handle Bucky’s emotional outbursts. So, it’s a win-win that he gets to be with his best friend. Bucky can be a little weird, he won’t lie. But he knows his friend, he knows who he is, he knows his life and he knows what really happened during those years (news media be damned), so he's more than happy to deal with this so called 'trouble kid’ of the school. They don't know him like he does.

Ms. Minako checks them off the attendance list with a smile and counts the class again. It seems there’s students missing, judging from her confused face and her nervous pencil tapping. “Well, I guess most of you are here. Only two students are absent—”

As if on cue there’s a knock on the door, suddenly halting all talk.

“Oh! Must be the new student!” Ms. Minako declares cheerfully. Sam twists anxiously in his seat, leaning over to see who it is. Is it him…? “Open the door for him, please.”

One of the students next to her stands up and opens the door, returning to her seat quietly. From his spot, Sam can see him stride in.

The first thing he notices is his hair, his short fro perfectly shaped and adorning his face like a crown. His clothes look like they are from a quality brand -- elegant, but simple. Sam’s eyes go back up to his face and he finds warm brown eyes staring right back at him. He jumps slightly in his seat and feels his face warm up at getting caught staring, but Erik’s cousin doesn’t seem to mind because he smiles instead, winking at Sam with a tilt of his head.

Sam swiftly turns his eyes to his lap, repeating in his mind ‘STARE AT THE TABLE STARE AT THE TABLE STARE AT THE TABLE’ as he fidgets with a strand of his shirt. This definitely wasn’t on his to-do list either.

He winked at me?!

“Yo,” Bucky whispers to him. “Was it just me or did he wink at me?”

Sam blinks. “I thought he winked at me,” he whispers back.

“... Maybe at both of us? Probably you, though. I’m a mess.” He sighs, laying his head down on the table.

Sam snickers, playfully dragging Bucky’s long wavy hair to cover his face. “You wouldn’t look a mess if you used a damn brush, you lightskin 2-b Rapunzel.”

Bucky flips him off.

From across their seats he hears a couple of girls commenting on the new student’s appearance, one in particular making colorful comments in Spanish to her twin. Sam can recognize her voice without looking. Her name’s Chal, and her sister’s name is Ime. They all hang out together occasionally since their mom is good friends with his mom. They usually play video games when good ones come out and sometimes decide to have some impromptu language classes – the twins teach him Spanish, and Sam tries to teach them Patois, and they more or less manage to learn a couple of words since they use most of their learning time laughing hysterically at each other’s accents instead.

“El diablo,” Chal whispers to Ime. “Papasito… que guapo, no?”

Handsome. Sam hates that he understood that. Seems like those Spanish classes they gave him paid off.

Ime laughs and nods, saying something else to her sister’s ear. Chal giggles in response, patting Ime’s puffy hair bun until her sister pushes her hands away with a smile. Suddenly, Sam wishes he had a close relationship like that with his own sister, but he shakes the thought off as soon as the teacher speaks. Let’s not start the day with a gloomy thought.

“Hi!” Ms. Minako says. “You’re T.… challa... Uda… koh…?”

“T’Challa Udaku.” T'Challa smiles. “It’s okay.  Just T’Challa is fine.”

“T’Challa?” Ms. Minako tries again, with a concentrated face.

T'Challa smiles again, and nods. “That’s right.”

Chal elbows her sister, whispering loud enough for Sam to hear. “Suena Africano, no? O quizás del caribe?”

“Africano, me parece.” Ime whispers back.

“Nah, es caribeño.” Chal shakes her head.

“Africano.”

“Caribeño, coño.”

“You have a slight accent.” Ms. Minako asks T'Challa, interested. “Where are you from?”

“I am from Wakanda.” He answers.

A tiny ‘fuck!’ is heard from Chal, but only Ime and Sam seem to notice. He tries not to laugh as Ime elbows her sister in the stomach. These girls.

“New to the country or the town?”

“Both.” T'Challa laughs. “It’s a lovely town.”

If only you knew, Sam thinks, you wouldn’t be saying that. But he shakes the thought off, again, trying not to be negative… again. It’s hard to not to be a pessimist. But enough is enough. He wants to be a therapist when he grows up, goddamn it, so he needs to get it together.

“Well, T'Challa, welcome to the country! Come on, choose a seat. Let’s start the class!” Ms. Minako gestures towards all the empty seats as she checks him off the attendance sheet. T'Challa turns over where a group of loud white boys are seated together, but his eyes pass right over them. He looks at the seat next to Ime and Chal (the latter batting her eyelashes dramatically, making T'Challa smile) and considers it, until he looks over at the end of the table where Sam is.

There’s one empty seat right next to his.

He looks decided then, walking past everyone and stopping right next to Sam with a click of his heels. Not quite believing what’s happening, Sam can only stare at his own hands and ask to whichever god is listening to make T'Challa sit somewhere else. Next to Bucky, even. He’ll do anything. Hell, he’ll stop eating his gran’s mac and cheese! But please, god, don’t let him sit next to him. T'Challa’s too… too…

“Is this seat taken?” T'Challa’s soft voice comes from his right, and Sam makes the mistake of turning his head towards him.

… Too pretty.

T'Challa’s eyes shine like the sun, his hand resting on the table. Sam’s breath hitches as dark brown eyes lock on his. His face is a little too close for his comfort, so Sam scoots back. T’Challa tilts his head to one side in confusion, waiting for him to answer but Sam can only focus on those lovely brown eyes of his, not even caring that the silence is getting a little bit too awkward, but he just doesn’t know what to say because T'Challa’s way too close and—

Bucky elbows him in the ribs, bringing him back to earth.

“Are you feeling alright?” T'Challa’s face turns to one of worry, somehow inching even closer to Sam. “You look—”

“I’m okay!” He blurts out, laughing nervously. He looks at Bucky from the corner of his eye and sees the bastard stifling a smile. Fucker.

T'Challa’s eyes widen in surprise, waiting for him to continue. “I’m—um, the seat isn’t taken, so…” Sam's eyes slide down to the empty chair while fake coughing and pressing his lips into a thin line, trying to play it cool. Oh my god this is too embarrassing why am I acting like this.

“Alright, thank you.” T'Challa’s face lights up and Sam can’t help but smile as well, despite how nervous he feels. T'Challa drops his bag to his side and sits down gracefully on the chair with a smile. “Nice to meet you,” he says with a radiant smile, while offering his hand to him like a proper gentleman.

Sam’s brain has the decency to remember to dry his anxiously-damp hand on his jeans before he shakes T’Challa’s with an equally anxious smile. It’s kind of odd, it almost feels like they’re finishing a business meeting. Why yes, sir, I’m glad we’ve come to the mutual agreement that I’m awkward as hell, let’s shake on it. But it could be a Wakandan thing, who knows. T'Challa has a strong grip on his hand as soon as they touch, and he shakes Sam’s hand with confidence, taking Sam by surprise as the strong shake dips him forward. He has no time to be embarrassed because T'Challa smiles at him and the guy giggles as though stumbling into someone else’s personal space is charming. He lets go of Sam and instead rests his face on his hand, two fingers up to support the crown of his head.  

“What’s your name?” T'Challa asks, eyes filled with curiosity.

And it’s at this moment when there’s another knock on the door, catching everyone’s attention.

“Oh!” The teacher exclaims. “Must be the other missing student.” This time it’s her who stands up to open the door, blocking the view of Sam’s eyes to see who it is.

“You’re a bit late, mister.” She reprimands the student. “But it’s the first day, so I’ll let it slide this time, alright?”

“I appreciate it.” Says a deep, and… quite attractive masculine voice.

Ms. Minako stands to the side and shows him the way. “Come on in!”

As soon as the student enters the room he can see exactly who it is. M’Baku walks into the classroom with that confidence Sam is so jealous of, looking as handsome as ever. His dark brown skin glows despite the unflattering light of the classroom, as though M’Baku is the exception to little things like physics. His clothes, of course, always carry a Wakandan theme, showing off the beautiful African patterns and combination of colors.

Sam looks over to the twins and finds Chal fanning herself while looking at M’Baku, who suddenly has a distasteful look on his face when his eyes fall on the only acceptable empty seats in the room. The one next to Bucky, and the one next to the twins. His eyes soon fall on T’Challa, and he falters. He recovers quickly though and walks around the table to sit down right across from him – next to Bucky’s seat.

Sam’s eyes go back to T’Challa, who seems to be… frozen in place while looking at M’Baku. He gets it though. One time, he got to seat behind him in math class and every time the teacher called M’Baku’s name to mark him present, he would stand up and give Sam a great first row view of that—

“So, uh,” Bucky’s voice brings him back to earth. He turns his head towards him and sees him talking to M’Baku, who can’t look less interested. “Guess we’re art partners now, huh?”

M’Baku finally looks at him with a neutral look on his face and says, “I am lactose intolerant.”

Bucky freezes.

Sam completely loses it. He can’t help but laugh out loud, making a spectacle even though he tries his damn best to keep it in. Naturally, he attracts some of his classmates’ eyes, but he just can’t stop. He’s trying so hard, but Jesus. The look on Bucky’s face, he keeps remembering it and can’t help but laugh again.

“Mhm, keep on laughing, man. Just let it all out, you dick.” Bucky tell him as he claps Sam on the back, which only makes it worse.

Ms. Minako finally looks over at him, looking confused and quite annoyed at the noise. “Excuse me, Sam? Are you alright?”

“Yeah, Sam, are you alright?” Bucky repeats, faking the worrying tone in his voice as he scoots closer to Sam to look him right in the eye.

“Y-Yes, miss, I’m— I’m fine,” Sam tries to tell her while desperately trying to ignore Bucky’s stupid face. “Thank you. Sorry about—” and he laughs again.

“Do you need to go to the nurse, Sam?” she asks, sounding annoyed.

“Yeah, Sam, do you need to go to the nurse?” Bucky repeats again with that dumb look on his face and it makes it harder for Sam to stop laughing.

“No! N-No, I’m alright. I’m so sorry, miss, please uh, please carry on.” He coughs and bites his lip, mustering all his energy into having a poker face. It doesn’t work, it just makes him look weird with his bulging eyes, tight lips and puffy cheeks… but the teacher is satisfied enough with it to let it go.

“So, uh,” Sam turns to Bucky, a smile threatening to slip past his lips but still desperately trying to look neutral. “Wanna change seats?”

Bucky licks his lips, also trying not to smile, and nods. “Yeah, that’s— yeah, let’s change seats, man.”

Once they’re at their new seats, Bucky turns to T’Challa. “Soooo, guess we’re—”

“I’m also lactose intolerant.” He tells him with a mastered poker face.

Sam lays his head down and covers his head with his arms to tone down his loud laughter, shaking and softly smacking the table with his first a couple times. Bucky can’t hold it in either, leaning forward on the table and shaking his head as he laughs with Sam. M’Baku joins in with a loud and deep ‘HAH!’ and nothing else. T’Challa smiles ever so slightly, and the sight almost makes Bucky stop, feeling charmed by his smile and the soft crinkles at the corner of his eyes. He couldn’t quite get a look at him at first, but now he understands why Sam froze when T’Challa talked to him.

Sam coughs, and looks towards T’Challa, trying to frown in order to cancel out the dumb smile on his face. “Hey man, um, do you— uh, do you… wanna change seats?” He fake coughs into his fist, and Bucky feel his lips twitch. “Or, uh, or something?” Sam bites his lip again, praying to any god that is listening to make him stop laughing.

“I don’t see why not.” T’Challa calmly answers, picking up his stuff and changing his seat with Sam.

Once they’re finally seated, Sam speaks. “Don’t worry, Buck, I got you man. I, uh, you know, I take them lactaid tablets—”

Bucky whizzes out a small laugh, and nods. “Oh yeah?”

“Yes, sir,” Sam nods as well, patting him on the back. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you ain’t gotta worry about that.”

“Thanks, Sam,” Bucky says, smiling at him. “I know I can always count on you.”

“Nuh-uh, uh!” Sam shakes his finger on his face. “Only as long as I got my lactaid tablets,” he adds, and after a second of dead silence they both laugh loud and hard, Sam leaning on Bucky and Bucky flinching for half a second but relaxing quickly enough against Sam’s warmth.

Sam looks up at him from his shoulder. “Stop making me laugh, man, fuck. My face hurts.”

Bucky shrugs, Sam’s head moving with it. “That’s karma, asshole.”

Sam shakes his head, and closes his eyes, smiling softly. “I hate you.”

Bucky snorts. “And I hate you too, sweetheart.” Sam smacks him for that, whispering ‘gross!’ to which Bucky replies ‘but you like it!’ to which the teacher replies ‘both of you boys better shut up unless you want to be sent to the principal’s office’.

Half way through the class, their phones both vibrate at the same time, and they instantly look at each other. After making sure the teacher isn’t looking at them, they look down to check who texted them from under the table.

 Steve♢ is online

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ) is online

Bucky ( ˘-___-) is online

Sammy is online

 Steve ♢: hey hey hey

Steve ♢: Erik told me about his cousin!

Steve ♢: is he cool?

Sammy: …….maybe

Steve ♢: ヽ(　･∀･)ﾉ i’ll get his number then!

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): steve

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): steve im begging you here

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): please dont fuck my cousin

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): p l e a s e

Steve ♢: you know, i wasn’t thinking about that

Steve ♢: but now that you mention it…

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): steve

Sammy: oh btw Erik your middle school crush is in our class

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): my middle school what now

Bucky ( ˘-___-): M’Baku. or did you forget about him already?

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): fuck off bucks

Steve ♢: wait what

Bucky ( ˘-___-): Erik had like… the biggest crush on him back in middle school

Sammy: it was kinda cute tbh he would like… talk to him about this anime he really liked. which he got m’baku to watch somehow someway

Bucky ( ˘-___-): And there was this couple in the show. Real romantic shit you know? Erik would say how M’Baku is so much like the romantic interest of the hero

Sammy: and also how Erik was so much like the hero himself

Bucky ( ˘-___-): M’Baku never got the hint though. But it was cute to watch. A bit pathetic, sure, but cute!

Sammy: and of course a funny story to tell every person he dates lmao

Steve ♢: aww Erik you sweet thing you!

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): this

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): is the worst day of my life

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): ever

Bucky ( ˘-___-): Hey do you remember that stupid song?

Sammy: which one Sammy: “M’baku and Erik sitting under a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G watching A-N-I-M-E”

Sammy: is it that one

Bucky ( ˘-___-): yeah! cute isn't he?

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): IM BLOCKING YOU

Steve ♢: lol erik that’s so cute

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): IM BLOCKING BOTH OF YOU

Steve ♢: cute cute cute

Sammy: cute lol

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ) is offline

Steve ♢: omg

Sammy: HE ACTUALLY LEFT LMFAOOOO

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ) is online

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): i forgot to say something :)

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ): FUCK YOU ALL

Bucky ( ˘-___-): Damn that’s hot

Steve ♢: i didn't know Erik was this adorable

Sammy: he aight i guess

Erik ( ಠ ಠ ) is offline

 This year is going to be fun.

[upsidedown4-blog1]

Venting about life

I haven’t really “journaled” in detail for a while and I guess a lot has happened in the last couple of months since I last talked about what was going on. Writing allows me to 1. sort out my thoughts and emotions 2. it helps me find some rationale and motivation in what I am experiencing that way I am not a hot mess. 2018 has been 1 hell of a fucking year. I lost half of my income because the gym I worked out of closes, my chiari symptoms have been progressing for the worst, and I found out my dad was having an affair for 3 years. Although I can talk about how horrid 2018 started, it has been full of blessings. 

1. I made some valuable, lifelong friendships with people who I know will be there for me. I cannot believe how many cool people I have met, many of them while sitting by myself at the bar. I did pull away from people who could help me grow but thats no big deal. They say you are the average of the 5 main people you hang with. I will say some of these people are loving and compassionate and they give no fuck about openly expressing themselves. I need to improve in those areas. 

2. I discovered cannabis is God’s magic herb and I hope one day it’s negative stigma is gone. Cannabis is anti-inflammatory, it’s a muscle relaxer, it relieves anxiety/depression, it is NOT ADDICTIVE, etc. Alcohol and sugar are more dangerous than cannabis.  I use it to relieve my pain, to relax, and to help as a post workout. CBD is also great for pain relief and as a pre-workout.

3.After losing half of my income, I was reminded to get back on my toes and keep hustling. My business is now starting to regain momentum for the better. I needed 3 steps backwards to take 5 steps forward. I just need to get back to being productive and following through. I need to get back to being a risk taker.

4. Chiari malformation forced me to become more in-tune with my body. My diet is better and my sleeping habits are better. I am not performing in every area of my life the way I can, but I know after my surgery things will be better. 

5. After my most recent relationship that ended in October, I got into a slump. It’s so hurtful when someone tells you after 7 months that I’m too committed or that I’m too good. I swear every girl except for Maggie has told me that shit. Actually Maggie did too but she took advantage lol. Anyway Im glad she thought that because thats less work I have to put into for someone who finds me to be too much work. fuck that. I know what type of woman I want in my life. I know what I need from a partner. It’s funny because some people assume I need status and all that shit. Nope, I’m not shallow. I need a woman with substance, with passion, who loves whole heartedly, someone I can lean on and who can lean on me, someone who is affectionate and real af (go ahead and tell me I am being dumb or annoying just keep it constructive), someone who’s my best friend, lover, and partner. No egos or jealousy. I need someone who believes in me. It’s rare if I tell someone I’m into them. I’m also kind of afraid to get into anything because I don’t want to get hurt or waste time.

6. I lost touch with who I am ALOT and this is causing some anxiety. My therapist says I need to take a step back and be okay with doing so. She also said I need to stop worrying about my old baseline and to create a new one. My baseline refers to who I am, what I stand for, what i believe in, etc. I’ve made a few impulsive decisions this year that included things I wouldn’t normally do like getting sloppy and having empty sex. I also need to stop being so hard on myself. These are blessings because although we have shit we need to work on, we actually have the opportunity to decide who we want to be. 

7. I actually have gotten to the point that now that my business is getting better, I’m planning trips. Life is to short to limit myself. Shit I could die in 7 days, which is fine, that’s God’s decision, but if I don’t that means he still needs me. I have purpose in this life and I need to enjoy everything he’s given me. 

Yes I’m hurting, yes I am kind of lost, however I still have an idea of where I am going. I know more or less what I want, but I just need to create a new baseline and move forward from there. Fuck it’s crazy how writing makes me feel so much better about life. I get so numb, but I NEVER quit. I always overcome and I know I’m turning into the woman I need to be.