#also me: takes any opportunity to romanticize everything

[macfrog]

I would just like to say that clm is one of my top favorite reads on this app ever, and discovering you and your work has been a blessing during this time in my life. I just graduated college and am struggling with feeling so lost, confused, and absolutely bored to tears, but your writing has reignited my own love for writing. I’ve worked on pieces before but I’ve never had the courage to post them, let alone finish them. Because of you, I have actually taken up rewriting a few of my stories. I’m thinking about posting my writing for the first time soon as well :) who knew a fandom could lead to something as magical as this? ily max! keep being amazing <3

wooop congrats on graduating!!! that’s an amazing achievement, and you should be super proud of yourself. i’m proud of ya, kid 😘

the period immediately after graduating is really fucking weird, because you’ve just spent all this time and energy focusing on this one goal, then it’s just…all over and done with. in the blink of an eye. all of a sudden you're pushed off into the world and you have all this potential and all these possibilities and you’re expected to know what to do with it all - instantly. but it’s okay to not know!

try to see it like that scene from night at the museum - you know when ben stiller’s like i have no idea what i’m gonna do tomorrow and robin williams is like how exciting!!!!! like yeah, dude. revel in the confusion. enjoy the freedom of not knowing what to do. lean into the boredom and figure out what you really want, then go fuckin get it. be poetic about it lol

and yay for picking writing back up!!! have fun with it! i hope i see something you’ve written on here sometime soon 🩵

[piglet26]

Reylo. The Perfect Star Wars Fairytale.

"What if your sort of soulmate in the force was your enemy? Circumstance pits them against each other, but the force bonds them together. They understand each other almost from a point of view of fate and yet fate has made them enemies"

Reylo isn't the classic fairytale, but that's a good thing! The two of them display something unique about love and connection. They both provide the other one with an opportunity to move past their trauma and heal their pain by relating to someone, being accepted, being forgiven; ultimately having a true connection which makes you a better person. That's Star Wars! Yes, Star Wars is about friendship, adventure and the hero's arc, but's also about the power of love. That's what drove Anakin to the dark side and what brought him back to the light. Embracing love and attachment was the lesson Luke had to teach the Jedi. Romanticism isn't a mistake of horny Reylo fans, it's a rejection of the lessons Star War had to teach by young and old men who claim to want to protect it the most.

Kylo Ren is aware of Rey before Rey is aware of Kylo Ren, but both recognize the other one immediately. Rey has dreamed of Ben, when Ben killed the head of The Knights of Ren, Rey felt a chill on Jakku. Kylo Ren feels her awakening in the Force and senses that they are connected somehow. (I wanna know what the full scene was cause he is like studying her)

Reylo is not abusive, but I do understand why people are hesitant to endorse them. However, people tend to project their own problems and situations on other people and that's probably what's going on here. THEY ARE AT WAR! It's not personal. First thing Rey tries to do is shoot him (natural reaction) so he froze her (natural reaction). He's trying to get information for his side of the war and attempts to do this without making her experience too much pain. He pushed her into a tree... she did try to shoot him. Again. She tried to shoot him three times now that I think of it. He invaded her mind! Luke did the same thing to Kylo Ren. Is Luke abusive? Any time any of the Jedi have peaked inside someone's mind has been abusive then. "You know I can take whatever I want." Yes, I can access your mind you know that so why not just give me the information I require....that is what he is saying. People read so much into everything and yet did so with no logic. The only thing I can say is the movie goes out of it's way to show a parallel experience between Rey and Poe in their interrogation. Moving on.

As Ren studies a sleeping Rey he can sense their connected somehow. Rey isn't just some resistance fighter, like Poe, she's more than that.

While Rey is initially fearful of Ren, the moment he reveals himself she just confused, curious and attracted (as we all were). It's significant that the first person he reveals himself to is Rey. Kylo Ren wears the mask to idolize his grandfather and project not only strength but dehumanize himself. He reassures her that he doesn't know where her friends are,

In the sound mix is a heartbeat. You hear a heartbreak when she is connecting with Ren in the Interrogation scene. Rey remember this moment in the novel, "Even as [Kylo] callously rifled through her mind, he had somehow revealed his own. Rey found herself in his mind even as he invaded hers. She felt his rage...But she also felt his hurt, and his loneliness. And his fear...Kylo had retreated at finding Rey in his head - had practically fled from her. But that had not been the end of that strange, sudden connection. She had seen more - far more...It was as if his training had become hers, unlocking and flinging open door after door in her mind"

Reylo is a pairing where both the hero are villain are given a bond where hurting the other is as good as hurting yourself. Even in their duel on the First Order base, Kylo doesn't want to kill her and she's defending herself for the most part.

Meanwhile, Ren’s emotions begin to fixate on Rey. Though they could not predict them, the two begin to gain insights into each other though these strange connections, and Ren lowers his guard. Their forceskypes are a safe space for one another. It's established very quickly that they can't hurt each other. Rey wakes up in her hut on Ahch-to while Kylo is in his own quarter. The Force connects the two and both panic. Rey tries to shoot Kylo, who tries to manipulate Rey via mind trick. They now have to deal with one another in ways that weren't their first instinct. What’s happening here is something extraordinary even within the logic of the Star Wars universe it seems, and Kylo recognizes this. His behavior and observations betray a sense of innocent fascination rather than an ulterior motive.

Feeling somewhat safe with Rey, Ren no longer tries to hide his feelings of pain and misery, and, in turn, their Force-bonding intensifies in strength and rawness. Rey being increasing disillusioned by Luke and his feelings of the Jedi begins to open herself up to understand the person she wants to just hate.

This stylistic choice crops up plenty more times throughout the movie, communicating that they are one half of each other.

Kylo Ren has something to teach Rey as much as he is taking these moments to try to be understood by her. Rey is similarly stuck by her childhood. Stuck in the idea her parents could come back, stuck in the idea that she was wanted or not wanted. As Kylo says to her “Your parents threw you away like garbage.......It’s your greatest weakness," Ren call Rey out in a way no one else can because he's been inside her head. Yes, Ren is harsh, but he wants her to grow up in this scene. His logic is flawed but in pulling away from your past, your identity and your parental figures you can become a fully formed individual. Ren tries to kill it, slash it and cut himself off from it when he needs to make peace with it.

We still crave affection not matter the pain we experience. Kylo’s many years of loneliness and reaching out to an inanimate object show just how desperate he is. He is desperate for a connection. And right now, Darth Vader is all that he has. He's never had a peer.

Rey is resilient, independent, a hard worker, intelligent, passionate, dedicated and yet she too is desperately lonely.

Ben sees apart of himself in Rey and they identify with one another. Rey, in Kylo's mind, is more than just a romantic interest. Rey is a refuge and purpose. Rey is a chance to be unglued...... to progress past his parental figures.

What's interesting though is that Ben/Kylo Ren is nurturing to Rey. When she is at her most vulnerable, listening to Rey’s confession of her greatest weakness, her fear, her attempt to confront this fear, her disappointment in finding no answer and finally her acute loneliness; he just listens to her and then let's her know that he's there.

"Luke should be the one nurturing Rey, and it's actually Kylo that is” - Daisy Ridley

Rey and Kylo are once again in their own carved out, ‘isolated’ auditory space, (and the audience is sucked in with them) while the outside world is again blocked out. In this moment both characters are free from light, dark, war, conflict, sides, enemies and they are safe with one another. When the force theme plays over their connection (as they share visions of one another), they and we the audience, feel that this union is right, desirable and destined.  

What's interesting is when Uncle Luke catches the naughty teenager "having sex" He was no longer just a vision in Rey’s mind eyes. This looks like a beautiful image to the audience and yet Luke’s reactions are disapproval and anger. Rey displaces a lot of her own anger regarding rejection/abandonment onto Luke. She identifies with Kylo and now she's aligning herself with him. It's understanding. I understand your pain, I can actually feel it and now I'm going to defend you from those who hurt you. She get's so much agency in defending someone else. This was step moving past her own trauma.

Rey's belief in Kylo does pay off. Her faith and belief, to the point she puts her life in his hands empower him to finally stand up to his abuser in a way he was never able to do for himself. He kills Snoke not only to only protect her, but protect her from being abused and corrupted as he once was. They both are able to confront the others childhood trauma and find strength in doing so.

Where their scene in the hut is an emotional union which brings a sense of peace, their scene in throne room, when they’re teaming up physically, signifies a sense of power.  The film in so many ways tells us that Rey and Kylo's union creates balance, peace, power and beauty.

What Kylo proposes in the Throne Room is balance, which is what Rey and Kylo/Ben are meant to represent. Neither of them are simply the light or the dark, both have elements of those symbols within them. After he kills Snoke it's like he said, "Right. That's done. Everything I've inherited.... the light vs the dark......everything I've struggled with.......let's just move on."

Kylo knows that he and Rey are different because he has a better understanding of the past and the Force. Kylo knows he and Rey are the future. Adam Driver says this, “The center of this story is Rey and Kylo Ren. They stand on the opposite sides but the boundary in between is very thin. There are light and dark inside both of them. Actually, they are not far apart. They are the other side of each other.”

They are the most powerful two in the universe. He creates an “us vs them” dynamic Ren’s proposal, however, is appealing—and logical. Let's be honest it's a system so dichotomous and one that has never been balanced.

Rey rejects this because she has healthy attachments. Rey loves Finn, Rey has a connection to Leia/Luke and Rey has romanticized the Resistance since she was a little girl. She feels compelled to fight for these things. Even if she didn't have those attachments, she wants Ben. She wants to stand in the sun with him.

This rejection hurts him, but he's confused by it. He can read her emotions, they're so connected mentally, he knows she wants to take his hand. He doesn't understand why she didn't. He doesn't understand why when he was knocked out she didn't kill him.

Adam Driver -"Then he had been forging this maybe-bond with Rey, and it kind of ends with the question in the air: is he going to pursue that relationship, or when the door of her ship goes up, does that also close that camaraderie that they were maybe forming?"

If anything he doubles down even harder into his sense of belonging with her. What they have he has longed for this since childhood. Rey doesn't give up on him, she makes a point of saying she'll wait for him in the novels. She can't be with him as is. He needs to come to terms with his childhood, work through the trauma and accept it.

Kylo does indeed act out on everyone around him. He is cold, hostile, anti-social and pessimistic. But who does he change for? Rey. She's going to be patient, but she put boundaries on him and it's what he need to grow further. He respects her - this is the key. He admires her and he has compassion for her. 

“That’s all she is, yes. A scavenger from that inconsequential Jakku. Completely untrained, but strong with the Force. Stronger than she knows.” His mask off, Ren replied with what seemed to be his usual assurance. No one else would have sensed a difference. Snoke did.

The Supreme Leader’s voice was flat. “You have compassion for her.”

Rey is forgiving, which is important, she has a kind heart. Don't underestimate the importance of forgiveness - the power of it. Forgiveness is the path away from shame. Because Rey, Leia and Han were able to forgive Kylo Ren, he was able to forgive himself and as such Ben was able to come back.

Let's also be clear Kylo Ren in a relationship.....He would worship her. He would never intentionally hurt her. He would adore her. He is surprisingly patient, calm, and understanding when it comes to their talks. By the end of The Last Jedi he's supreme leader, but it's a hollow victory. It doesn't mean anything to him because Rey isn't with her. However, there would be obsession and possession. Rey on the dark side, would give into her worst impulses with him and her worst impulses usually end violently. It doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with him. She's very hurt that they are not together and that's clear in the novelization.

Kylo wants to tell Rey who she really is – a truth he believes will make her stand by his side and fight with him. That’s been his goal since the end of the last movie, and all he desires is to be with Rey. In his head, the only way that’s possible is if she turns to the Dark. This time she's even more like him; a grandparent on the Dark Side.

Kylo and Rey are the only people in each other’s lives with whom they are fully open and honest all the time. For better or worse, they are each other's home and redemption. Rey is scared of the power inside of her. Rey feels like she has to hide the darkness inside of her - with Kylo she expresses and lashes out at him - he takes it pound for pound.

Ben Solo is back and boy is it good! When Rey healed Ben Solo, she ended up healing the very same scar she gave him. The scar symbolized his scarred heart because of his decision to kill his father. More than that he looks . He faced his past and overcame it. That scar was no longer holding him back, and the healing of his scar is a physical change that shows his transformation and healing.

Adam Driver “He has to let her know that they’re together. But he doesn’t entirely know what’s going to happen from there, nor do I think he cares. As long as he’s with [Rey], he’s on the right path.”

TROS just doesn't stick the landing.

There are beautiful moments, but Ben being chucked off a cliff? Rey dying as a way of opening up a way for Ben to die (when he's only been on screen 5 minute) When he revive her..... it's more than my heart can take. The way Ben looks at Rey is precious: he looks so happy, in love, and treasuring every single second of being with her. Her kiss leaves Ben in wonder as he expected her rejection.

After Ben died (ugh) Ben is still able to communicate with her through the Force and he assures Rey that he'll be always with her, and she is comforted in realizing that in some way he is not actually gone and that they would always be together. Guess that's why she looks unbothered as she flies off.

In the end, their connection, like with Anakin, love was able to bring the person lost home. That's a beautiful lesson the world needs to be reminded of---- not forgotten.

[littledollll]

Missed opportunity

Morpheus x human!reader

A/n: I have that line-

“And you never knew, how much I really liked you, ‘cause I never even told you. Oh and I meant to.” Back to the Old House, The smiths.

Stuck in my head so fuck it, let’s write.

(March 29)

A/n pt.2: guys I actually wrote something for the first time in like a month yesterday and I’m excited, I have started 3 requests started and I think ill actually get them done in at least a week, wish me luck :P

Warnings: Angst!, this takes place before during and after Morpheus’ imprisonment. Reader questions their sanity, unrequited love but not actually, both R and M are idiots in love. R dies:0.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Dream of the endless having friends was rare, them being human even more so. But somehow you managed to befriend him, from the second he stumbled across one of your dreams he was drawn to you.

He sought you out in the waking world, and you were every bit as captivating as he thought you to be and something about you just kept him coming back to you.

Your friendship flourished rather quickly, much to basically everyone’s surprise. Morpheus knew you to be kindhearted and friendly, beyond beautiful and energetic. Just being in your presence was enough to cure any sour mood of his. You became a constant in his life, part of his routine included visiting you for at least a few hours.

It was a scary feeling, to know you’re falling for someone, to not know how they feel about you. Realistically Morpheus could open one of the many books on your life and dreams and simply find the answers he was looking for but that’s not something he wanted. He wanted to learn about you as you revealed yourself to him, to know you person to person, just like any other human.

He felt completed by your very existence, but even the anthropomorphic personification of dreams was riddled by a very human thing, anxiety, overthinking. He wouldn’t risk losing your lovely smile, your charming personality, all for romanticism.

Years and years passed but he never told you. He was with you through new relationships and break ups, he helped you move in to your new apartment, he was with you when you ran into the stray cat you named Star and adopted into your home. Morpheus was a great friend, your best friend.

He wasn’t aware you felt them same for him, or that fear of losing his companionship was also the thing holding you back. In his mind you saw him as a very good friend, and that was it.

In your mind somebody as ethereal as him couldn’t possibly be interested in you. So you settled for his friendship, you both did.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

After so many years of constant visits, Morpheus missing one day seemed like the end of the world. You had no way of contacting him, you never questioned how he just seemed to show up and join you, why would you when you were busy fawning over his dreamy eyes, oh the way they showed every emotion despite his cold exterior, you’d catch it if you just paid enough attention.

Days turned into weeks without sight or word from him. There was nothing or no one that could comfort you about this. It was him. He was your person and suddenly he was gone. Did you do something wrong to somehow push him away? Did you somehow imagine him?

You never got an answer. For the rest of your days you stayed convinced that it was all some sort of dream, or an illusion made up by your lonely mind, one that craved all that attention and well- love. Maybe he was a victim of that new Sleepy sickness, after all he disappeared around the same time it started, but then again, you had no way of knowing.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

One hundred years. Of complete solitude, of weakness and vulnerability, of pain as grief, so much grief.

In the beginning Morpheus had hope, he had Jessamine who would occasionally be seen and attempt to help him out of this glass bubble. He had the hope of getting to see you some day soon. That he’d somehow make it out of here and everything would be as he left it, that hope was torn away bit by bit as the years passed.

He had no way of keeping track, truly he made no attempt to tell the day or time, he knew when night would come and a year would pass, and the years kept coming and coming, painfully slow and too fast all at the same time.

There was only one day that stood out to him, one that felt different from all the rest. This sudden ache in his heart, Despair coming to visit their dear bother once again as Death visited you. And that was it, the last bit of hope.

Making it out of that place proved to be a chore, not only was Morpheus physically weakened, emotionally too. He had duties though. A realm to rebuild and take care of, items to collect and people to meet with.

Distracted by all else it was only when Death approached Dream that he stopped to actually think about you. But he didn’t ask anything, Death knew her brother enough not to need his words.

“They lived a fulfilling life and died of old age. Star grew old with them as well.” A nod. “They say that she’s the only proof they had you existed at all. After you disappeared they were convinced you were fake, a product of loneliness or some weird illness.”

“They’ll never know.” There was no need for further explanations, was there something Death didn’t know anyways? “They knew. I wish you would have seen the relief on their face once we met. Like it answered every question they ever had. Forget how you loved them and how you showed it, they felt loved, I think that’s more than enough.”

[4nn4m14]

Starting a blog bc i have literally always wanted to- anyways:

Stats:

SW: 223

HW:223

LW:122

CW:181

GW:155

UGW:110

Wl so far: 56 lbs

About Me:

•Im 19 years old

•I absolutely loooOoooOovee gardening

•Im probably THE most understanding person you will ever meet.

•im #proformenotforthee

•I will never encourage anyone to ⭐️ve BUT i will be posting my mealspo/ what i eat in a day and anything i find that helps avoid binges/ promotes my weight loss.

•I have Hashimotos disease (hence the starting out obese as fuck but i can’t technically blame that) so it makes it EXTREMELY difficult for me to lose weight; especially as fast as i want to. If i want to lose properly i have to put in double the amount of work, but wanting to lose the way i do and as fast as i do; i gotta quadruple it.

•I love gardening and have an extremely creative mind+ im good at creating a mental image with anything so (not to sound cocky) I’m wondrous at any type of designing

•I also enjoy art:) i can post some and probably will.

•biggest muse: Elton John, Nirvana (Kurt Cobain, mainly).

•My music taste is a wide variety and whatever im listening to defines my personality for the day:) (I can post my Spotify link bc personally i think it’s all immaculate ESPECIALLY if u have a taste for older music)

•I have a girlfriend who, actually, is a cute little love story (we met in school and didn’t know we were little fruit balls then parted ways but still came into relatively close contact with each other throughout the years then later on figured out about each other again and no we are in lovesies 🥰 (so cute) ) Shes my favorite person ever and does not know i have this app or what it is bc shed pRoBaBly admit me into the ward. BUT love her with my entire being.

•I look at the little things and romanticize the shit out of everything. (How else would i enjoy life if I didn’t? Itd be miserable.)

•I also love to cook and its probably one of my favorite things to do; ironically enough.

•I work at a nursing home in the kitchen; and i plan to become a CNA and take all of the free classes i can get then climb the medical chain (not my choice but im doing this until another opportunity comes around. Plus medical field= easy money. Easy money= more money to put towards classes i actually want to take.)

•I FULLY believe that you can do absolutely anything you put your mind towards.

About my blog:

What ill be posting:

•what i eat in a day

•Mealspo

•Rants (they’ll probably be deleted within 24 hours of posting bc im bipolar as shit)

•anything that I please or anything i can think of 🙂

•it’ll get chaotic. I am socially disorganized and all over the place.

Also:

-I have struggled with 4n4 and M14 since i was 13 and experienced b1ng3 3d for two years. If anyone is struggling with any of these I’m willing to try and be a shoulder to lean on 🤍

Im pro for me; not for thee. 3ds are serious and disgusting. Falling into is is not fun, nor quirky. Get help while you can

Ed hotline:

(866)952-6293

[incendio22]

FOR THE HOPE OF IT ALL

Chapter 15: Slytherins and Dungeons

Author's note

First of all, I want to thank each and every single one of you who have taken the time to read this story. I haven't written fanfiction in so many years and I honestly didn't expect anyone to read this story. I smile like a child whenever I see that someone left a like or a comment on a chapter. I appreciate you all so much and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who is down bad for a video game character. Thank you ♡

With that said, I also want to leave a trigger warning on this chapter as the main theme is partying and there is alcohol being consumed in a potentially romanticizing way.

__________________________________________

I follow the crowd to a different dungeon close to our common room. I have never seen this entrance before and I ask Imelda about it.

''Oh, the 7th-years have enchanted it so no one can see it but them. Quite clever, if you ask me.'' She says as we walk down the stairs to a dark, humid dungeon. It has windows facing the Black Lake, some torches on the walls and the decor are Slytherin flags, as well as all the other houses. There are some other people in there, mostly Gryffindors and a handful of Ravenclaws.

Some Slytherin yells that it's time to get the party started. The other people in the dungeon stands up and raises their cups.

''If it isn't the hero of Slytherin herself.'' It's Garreth Weasley who's putting his arm around me and hands me a cup of butterbeer. I laugh at him.

''Oh yes.'' I say in a proud voice. ''Consider yourself lucky I even know your name. I'm getting famous after today's win.''

''Oh, I bet you are.'' He grins at me. ''And trust me, I am lucky. Meeting you in a dungeon like this on a Saturday evening? You don't get that everyday.''

We talk for a good moment and are interrupted by Imelda, who has fire whiskey in her hands. One for each of us. She grins at Garreth.

''It's your lucky day, Weasley. Getting a minute with Y/n and being here for a Slytherin party.'' She cheers and we sweep the whiskey together.

My throat is burning, but I feel more alive than ever. The alcohol is getting to my head and I feel as if I own the world. The music gets louder, the lights get darker and the dungeon is crowded. Some people are dancing, some people are making out on the couch and some people are chatting. I join Garreth again, who is dancing with Imelda and some other people. We are having the time of our lives, dancing as if there's no tomorrow and drinking as if it was our last night in the castle.

Garreth puts his hands on my hips and we move closer. His breath smells of whiskey, but I expect mine is the same since we did have a couple of more shots of whiskey together. I put my arms on his shoulders and we spin around. I am so dizzy and everything feels like a blur. He leans in closer as if he's trying to kiss me, but I pull away. Garreth is sweet, but I don't feel any attraction at all. He looks disappointed and lets go of my hips, we continue dancing but on our own.

As I keep letting loose, dancing as if there's no tomorrow I see someone in a corner of the dungeon. It's Sebastian. He must just have gotten here. Or I was too busy with Garreth and Imelda that I didn't notice sooner. I walk up to him with mixed feelings. Thrilled to see him, mad at him for not talking to me earlier today, excited about how he 'never stops talking about me'.

''When did you get here?'' I ask, having to lean against the window facing the lake in order not to lose my balance.

''Just now. I heard rumours about alcohol and a dungeon. And that you seemed to be the life of the party.'' He says, smirking. ''You couldn't pay me to miss an opportunity like this.''

I pour a shot of fire whiskey down his throat, he grunts and tells me he needs another one before he's ready to dance. I have never seen some look so elegant, yet handsome while taking a shot. It's something about the way his face twists after he swallows the strong liquor.

''Did I see you dancing with Garreth before?'' He asks curiously as he's pouring himself another shot. The look he gives me is intriguing.

My stomach  twists and drops to the floor. He saw us. Not that I have anything to hide from him, but because I feel as if I betrayed him by even letting Garreth think he had a chance at kissing me.

''Didn't I see you with a Ravenclaw hanging on your arm earlier today?'' I argue jokingly.

''You did. But she didn't try to kiss me.'' He replies while raising an eyebrow, burning his eyes into mine. ''I can't blame him. But when it comes to you I'm not really one for sharing.''

''She might as well have...'' I mutter.

''Are you jealous?'' He asks me with a grin on his face, looking incredibly satisfied.

''I'm not the jealous type.'' I lie whilst having flashbacks to him telling me he wasn't the 'jealous kind of guy'. Apparently jealousy runs in both of our personalities.

''Oh, Y/n.'' He tilts his head, burning his eyes into mine. ''We agreed not to lie to each other.''

I avoid answering and pull him to the centre of the dungeon where most people are dancing. It's absolutely crowded. The fire in the torches are getting weaker, making the room darker by the second. We lose ourselves in the music, in the dancing, in the atmosphere. Sebastian pulls me closer and in the darkness we are standing face to face. Lights getting even weaker, forehead to forehead. It feels so intimate. Naturally, I try to lean in for a kiss but his thumb stops me. That stupid thumb.

''Not here.'' He whispers. His warm breath on my ear causes a shiver to rum through my body. ''Trust me, there is not a single thing I want more. But now is not the right place or time.''

I feel rejected, but I stay with my arms around his neck dancing slowly. Accepting the fact that even if this is all I get from him, it's worth it.

''Wanna get out of here?'' He asks, giving me a daring smirk.

Without hesitation he leads me to the astronomy tower. It's cold and dark, but the night is exceptionally crystal clear. You can see every star that is possible with only the eye. We go to one of the small balconies and look out over the castle, the lake and the forest surrounding us. My heart is still beating from the alcohol, the dancing, the dungeon and from his touch.

''I didn't not want to kiss you. Just so you know.'' He says, holding me from behind as we're looking at the stars. Almost as if he feels the need to explain himself, even if there really is no need to.

Of course I was upset. But not because he didn't want to kiss me, but because I must have misread every signal he's given me. Maybe yesterday meant nothing to him, while it meant the world to me.

''It seemed as if you didn't want to.'' I tell him.

After all, he did reject my kiss. In front of everyone. But I understand and cannot blame him. Next to him I must look like a fool, I think to myself. He is the most gorgeous man I have ever laid my eyes on. Even just getting to spend time with him makes me feel like the most special girl in the world. In my head it's almost an honor to exist at the same time at him, even more getting to breathe the same air as him. Of course he doesn't want me. He could have anyone, so why would he choose me out of everyone?

''I just think love is best kept private.'' He says in a low voice, the warmth of his breath making the hairs in my neck stand. ''Not secret, but private. That way, no one can sabotage. No one can talk about it. That way, all that matters is what we're like to each other. How we make each other feel. Because nothing or no one else matters.''

His voice is soft and warming like a summer breeze, making me feel safe. I understand him, but I don't fully agree. I respect his wish to keep it private, and whilst his reasoning makes sense I won't deny that I still wanted to kiss in the dungeon. Not because I wanted to show him off, but because despite all the partying going on around us we would have given them the best spectacle of the evening to look at.

[plctwists]

HAN SOHEE  23  FEMALE  SHE/HER — ; where do you get your inspiration, KIM MINA ? you’re so INTUITIVE , i can’t help but think of DYING ROSES , DRINKING EXPENSIVE WINE FROM THE BOTTLE AT DAWN , A MESS OF CIGARETTE BUTTS , WET BRUSHES AND CRUMBLED PIECES OF PAPER when i hear your name . your friends tell me you can be FLIGHTY sometimes . i guess it’s understandable given the circumstances. besides , i can’t even imagine how stressful PAINTING classes must be — not to mention you’re also in THE RED AND GREEN CLUB ! you’re a NEWCOMER , right ? yeah, i thought so . either way , welcome to mugunghwa ! 

hi all! i’m max, she/her, 21+ and super excited to be here! ‪♡‬ my new years resolution is to be active for the next 3 months so i can find out who k*lled jisoo :D anyways, this is my little manic pixie dream girl, flighty escapist painter miss kim mina! she’s still very much a wip and it’s my first time writing a character like her, so please do excuse any messiness and characterization issues thank u 

(also do like this post if you would like to plot!!) 

and more info about her can be found in her about page here ‪♡‬

basics

scorpio sun, cancer moon, scorpio rising

born 12 november 1999 in seoul 

lived in berlin for seven years when she was eight 

currently a second year painting major, specializes in oil painting & dabbles in watercolor. was previously at seoul national university

personality n vibes

infp

positive traits: caring, intuitive, creative, self-aware

negative traits: self-centered, escapist, dishonest, flighty

neutral traits: imaginative, secretive

character inspirations: the white lotus s2’s daphne, nevertheless’ jae eon, looking for alaska’s alaska young, if we were villains’ meredith, industry’s yasmin

archetypes the hedonist, the hopeless romantic

associated aesthetics: dying roses, messy rooms and messier lives, running away when things get hard, cigarettes butts and wet brushes carelessly strewn into an empty bottle of expensive wine, sharing knowing smiles in crowded rooms, vintage chanel bags stained with paint

trivia

best way to describe her: sweet but incredibly unreliable. soft-spoken with an air of mystery around her. the type to give you a vague, non-descript answer.

distances herself from reality because a. she doesn’t want to confront her trauma and b. it’s more fun romanticizing and dramatizing everything anyways

the kind to pretend that bad things don’t happen (she lives by the motto: “do whatever you have to do to not feel like a victim of life.”)

morally gray compass. will always find excuses for herself whenever she does something objectively wrong.

a manic pixie dream girl because she wants to be. deep down she knows that she’s fucked up and everything’s fucked up but would rather avoid a crushing reality than face it bc she has the opportunity to choose to ignore it. she may be self-centered and an escapist, but she’s not that stupid and not that unaware. she’s just wilfully ignorant rly

desperate for love, given her lack of love during her childhood, sort of a pushover but see below: will hurt u behind your back

she would never hurt someone, she says. but she is perfectly fine with doing it behind her backs and finding some justification on why it wasn’t that wrong anyways (shes a gaslighting queen)

she’s a fucking liar - misremembers events (wanting to dramatize them? just lives in a world of her own? no one fucking knows), saying whatever it takes to incite the reaction she wants, telling one thing to one person and another to someone else, always refusing to admit that she has lied

if you ask if she loved jisoo... she wouldn’t really have an answer. but she did love the idea of jisoo - the knight in shining armor, the boy who swept her off her feet away from shitty seoul

after jisoo’s death, nothing has really changed about mina which has led to a lot of talk about her “suspicious behaviour” but in reality, mina is detaching from the situation (as with what she did with her sister)

she’s numb about it, hasn’t really allowed herself to process - instead, throws herself into painting, buying expensive shit, dying her hair, speaking about him in present tense

background (tw death) 

summarising to things u need to know: parents dgaf about her, older sister died when she was six and she started building her own world, sent to berlin to study, came back to korea, cheated on her then-bf with her best friend’s boyfriend so she ran away with jisoo to mgh 

youngest only child of the kim family (tbc on what they do but they are rich but they are not in art world)

family lacked love, as with most rich families. hers never even tried - mum was a socialite, too busy chasing her youth with champagne flutes and mercurial highs to give a shit about her. dad just gave a shit about work more. maybe they never wanted children? maybe it was just part of their societal duties? mina has never tried to understand it and perhaps, never wants to

had an elder sister who she was quite close to

but when she was six, her sister passed away in a freak accident 

mina’s escapist tendencies intensified

made up stories about adventures of her and her deceased elder sister, started drawing and painting disturbing material to the point that her nanny, concerned over mina’s development, begged her parents to send mina for a psychological checkup

they found nothing wrong but her parents distanced themselves even further. she’s not sure whether it was because they couldn’t handle the loss of her older sister, or she scared them, or that they realized that there was no point even trying anymore

one of her parents’ friends and a teacher at her prestigious school saw that she had a gift for art, told her parents mina had potential 

she was then shipped off to berlin to hone her art in a prestigious art school

when she was fifteen, her grandparents threatened to cut her parents out of their will if mina didn’t come home, and so, she was sent back to korea for her high school years, where she did struggle to fit in but it wasn’t like mina really tried. continued painting, went on frequent overseas trips to europe, stirred a lot of shit and ruined many friendships

got into seoul national uni - started sleeping with her best friend’s boyfriend, even though she was taken herself (why? for the shits and giggles? for the inspiration? just because mina wanted to? because he looked at her drunk one night and said, “you’re really pretty” and she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so she did it behind her best friend AND boyfriend’s back, just to get the brief affection of someone who doesn’t even matter now? who the fuck knows)

essentially fucked her entire social life over and that was when mina realized she fucked up because seoul wasn’t like berlin where she could just run away and never return

around that time as well, she’d been talking to jisoo and when he (deeply in love with her at that point, and unaware of what had transpired) suggested she transferred over to mugunghwa, mina felt that it was the best possible option given the whole dramatic mess of her life.

over at mugunghwa, no one really knows what happened in seoul or why mina transferred. there are rumours about it though 

wanted connections

thank you if you made it this far! she only recently transferred to mgh during the spring semester so i don’t really have that many wanted connections!! always open to brainstorm :)

someone who has an inkling of what went down in seoul and is/was deeply suspicious of her relationship with jisoo

someone who puts her on a pedestal, and truly believes she is as great as they say her to be 

someone who keeps her grounded? or as grounded as possible? 

someone she does not like because they were mean to her face lol 

painting classmate friendships ‪♡‬ 

[creativecunt]

The winner vents it all.

Part 1:

Three years under an nda have left me with less time less patience, less empathy and even less friends. It’s finally time to air some honest grievances that I have tried to muddle down to nothing given that I get to paint objects as my job. I thought if I just mowed everything over and kept pursuing my dream that things would make them selves right. I was wrong for thinking anyone would truly understand what was going on in this room with the perfect view. A city Skyline to romanticize over with some quirks closer by to make you laugh off the stress of the situation. Their were many reasons I remained silent. If you were to ask me after reading any of this why would you stay? I would tell you I was being told I would be the next manager daily. Now that she’s gone… I was wrong for thinking they’d just put me in her place but instead they are now using me until I don’t matter any more. I’m sitting in my room with covid after 2 years of desperately avoiding it. I can’t help but feel wounded after this year. This year left me a multitude of issues that physically changed things for me but also emotionally fucked me up. I’m not saying their were no good moments from the year but this post is going to be about the 3 years of hell I’ve been enduring at my current work place.

If I could start anywhere I’d start at the beginning. I had driven out to queens for a job application seeking a scenic artist. Since I had been running a very small and new business but needed more steady income I figured wow this is probably the best option for me considering their are very few opportunities for painters in the commercial realm. The pay for me was good to get me started this was right before the pandemic I did not predict the sudden mass inflation we all know today. If I think about it I wish I had looked into how much people make in nyc sooner. The average is around $100,000 and trust me I was jumping into this job at what felt like maybe 1/4 of that which is bad it would determine that I’d never be able to afford rent in NY alone. So when they asked me to come on board for $20 an hour I didn’t jump but when they offered $22 I was like “it seems like they need me” coming to find out for what ever shallow reason. When I started the department was brand new and featured a lovely window to gaze out toward the city. Their was a tv with Netflix Hulu etc and I found out I’d be painting guns, swords, axes, computers, 3d prints anything a prop master could dream up I was chosen to make it match or to make it look good. So I was going to help as best I could I know a lot of things about creating a successful project and i was going to make it known! Or so I thought.

Introducing the “manager” a small blonde girl wearing a science lab coat. She was eager to show me her sculpture that she made a number of large castings of. Very detailed. She was at first kind and told me that she loved that cute little Japanese egg character the one that looks like this…

But isn’t that… lol

Anyway she’s the villain here so pay attention people because I found out every time she tried to assaniate my character, said something to me that was suspicious, said something rude under her breath, tried to make me feel bad about anything or when she would flat out tell me to my face to fuck off if I disagreed all, of those moments I found out were genuinely true because they were moments coming from someone who was jealous of me and a control freak. Finally 3 years later this chapter is over because she quit after getting written up twice and now she has a house in Jersey. I also forgot to mention it was far worse than just abuse she was also taking credit for my work while I had a fractured tibia.

Their is so much more I’m going to say but covid has me winded so I need to take a break. But I’ll be back for part 2

[gabenvrhappened]

MusicOr... That's So True, I Told You Things, Let It Happen, I Knew It I Know You and Free Now by Gracie Abrams

Favorite Lyric (That's So True): Made it out alive, but I think I lost it ⬩ Said that I was fine, said it from my coffin ⬩ Remember how I died when you started walking? ⬩ That's my life, that's my life ⬩ I put up a fight, taking out my earrings ⬩ Don't you know the vibe? ⬩ Don't you know the feeling? ⬩ You should spend the night, catch me on your ceiling ⬩ That's your price, that's your price, well;

Favorite Lyric (I Told You Things): Hey, wait, guess what yesterday ⬩ I stopped and played it safe ⬩ Instead of walking straight to you to say "Stay" ⬩⬩ Hallucination, shame, guilt, pain, more pain ⬩ Don't let them know we're in pain;

This post will be my commitment to never letting myself down for any boy again. Let’s recap for a bit of context. This week, I’m out of college for what is called “reading week,” and it's been the perfect opportunity for me to sleep a lot and… do things I shouldn’t do. By now, my fixation with Gracie Abrams should not a surprise, but something to be studied. I remember watching the video for Mess It Up somewhere last year and being so mad at her for wasting all those cakes that I may have been avoiding her songs out of spite because of that (stupid, I know). But then she released more songs for the deluxe version of her latest album, The Secret of Us, and I decided to see what the fuss was all about (after all, I've been addicted to I Love You, I'm Sorry as I already pointed out here). Let’s just say that allowing myself to dive deep into the album again was both a blessing and a curse. Right now, it's my whole personality, and that’s worrisome because the lyrics are… well… worrisome.

It all started when I hit play on That's So True and got hooked from the very start. All I can say is that I'm currently infatuated with a boy who might have blue eyes (honestly, I've been meaning to confirm this, but don't know if I should), and if a song talks about being in love with a guy that has that feature, let's just say that I don’t have any other choice but to stan. Especially when the lyrics talk about making eye contact from across the room and doing things that make me cry while I smile through it all because, well, that’s, indeed, my life currently. It also doesn’t help that the bridge is so angry, which I love. Amongst the new songs, we also have Cool, and I swear to God, at this point, it just feels like Gracie is living my life (which I'm so sorry) because she talks about a guy who said he would call, but didn’t, and how that makes her a fool. Honestly, this hits close to home. I remember saying goodbye to this guy, and he would always say, “I’ll text you, okay?” and then he would never do it. It seems silly, but all those little things add up to the big picture. And, of course, I won’t lie and say that I didn’t see things where there weren’t, but it still hurts.

However, the biggest hurt comes from I Told You Things. The way this whole mess started for me was because one day we decided that we would share things with each other, and on that day, I felt like it was good that we were doing that. But now I regret opening up because I didn’t know I wouldn’t be able to handle what I was about to uncover. And it makes me feel so sad that I betrayed his trust by thinking that the things we shared meant more than they actually did. So, at least until yesterday, I could proudly say that, just like the bridge, I played it safe and didn’t try to reach out to him, because I know it won’t work out between us. But then yesterday came, and with a few drinks and puffs, I sent him a message, and being the master of wanting everything to happen as fast as the speed of light, when it didn’t, I cursed myself for being so weak when it comes to love. I tend to romanticize being obsessed and always in love with someone, and that might be cute, but only if you know how to manage it, which I clearly still don’t know how to do.

Favorite Lyric (Let It Happen): No, I know ⬩ I'm a walking contradiction and it shows ⬩ Got a history of being in control ⬩ I'm aware that I could end up here alone ⬩⬩  I bet all my money that I will lose to you and hand you my life ⬩ Here's to hoping you're worth all my time ⬩ And I might barely know you, but still ⬩ Don't love you yet, but probably will ⬩ Turn me into something tragic ⬩ Just for you, I let it happen;

Favorite Lyric (I Knew It, I Know You): It all changed for me and I told you ⬩ You had the wrong idea about me ⬩ And all I ever did was consider you ⬩ Till all I could do was consider me ⬩ I was your entertainment from a dark place ⬩ You don't know how to step outside yourself ⬩ It's not my fault you can't sit with the hard thing ⬩ You really thought you would get what you wanted;

Favorite Lyric (Free Now): You were straight up with me, you were so kind ⬩ But I knew what you knew. "Honey great minds" ⬩ It was harsh cause I lost what I wanted ⬩ I was brave when I kissed you in London ⬩ We're collateral here, man, and we got it ⬩ Hope you find somewhere safe for your baggage ⬩ Every page that I wrote, you were on it ⬩⬩ If you find yourself out, if there is a right time ⬩ Chances are, I'll be here, we could share a lifeline ⬩ If you feel like falling, catch me on the way down ⬩ Never been less empty, all I feel is free now;

Since I was far enough inside the quicksand of troubled feelings with this record, I decided to go back to the original songs and give them another chance because, when the album was first released, a lot of them didn’t make the cut for my library. No surprise at all to say I found new passions for many songs from the standard edition. The first that comes to mind is I Knew It, I Know You. I hate how this album is going to shape not only my stay in Paris but also this new crush. When the song comes to its ending, it’s like Gracie scavenged into my brain and grabbed the thoughts I had deep inside me but didn’t know how to articulate. Because ever since this guy and I shared things about our lives, everything changed, and I told him that. And I’m pretty sure he had the wrong idea of how I would react when he told me what he told me, thinking he would get some type of action from me that I’m definitely not willing to do. And even though I have this feeling that he only told me those things because he wanted to be entertained and get attention from me, which he was wrong about, I can’t say that I see him as the villain in this story. Because, even though I’m always doing my share of wrong things, he’s always in the back of my mind. I’m trying my best to consider him and not make him suffer, God knows why.

Another highlight is Let It Happen, which is a song that makes me feel seen. I have this thing about turning every message into something straight out of a movie scene, and consequently, falling for things that were never real. So, seeing that someone has the same feelings as me, that someone will give up their sanity and become a tragedy for the sake of love, is somewhat freeing. The reason for that is that I love how this song shows the delusion of falling in love with a person who didn’t fall in love back, and I like to scream the words from the chorus as a testimony that being half-witted is normal, I mean, after all, at least Gracie is.

Finally, another song that I feel like I should mention as a new discovery from this treasure box is Free Now. Once again, my whole situation is poured into the song like the glass of a cosmopolitan drink I had yesterday that made me go to sleep feeling dejected. Which is something funny because I actually ended up feeling free when I woke up today. That’s why I started this post by making a promise to myself, because that’s how I’m supposed to feel all my life. I just had a large cup of latte for free because now I work at a coffee shop, and I just bought new clothes with the money I’m working so hard to earn. So everything is how it’s supposed to be, and I have the strength to be loved by this whole wide world and to have this whole wide world for me. So why do I act like I don’t have it? I’m tired of underestimating myself. I mean, it was only this week that I flirted hard with a guy from a band that was playing at the Coca-Cola Coliseum, and it was pretty evident to everyone in the room, the tension between us which was so funny to talk about later on.

That’s why I feel like it might make some sense why I’m writing all this, especially because I have this weird way of describing situations in my life that might not be interesting or feel like they're worth sharing. But at least for me, I know that one day I’ll come back to these writings from a place of healing and remember what I healed from. Or maybe I’ll come back to this with another heartache but be cured from this specific one, so I’ll remind myself that the pain never lasts. I don’t know. Maybe no one will read this, or maybe someone will and finish by saying, “Damn, Gabe”. Either way, I’m glad to be able to be honest with my feelings somewhere, since I can’t be with this guy (which is something I'm constantly thinking now: why do we say things, almost in a lying way, when we have the truth of our feelings in the tip of our tongues? But that's a theme for another post).

[charlesangels03]

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

A play of this very quote found in the later parts of the novel "The Alchemist: by Paulo Coelho to reference it, “When you really want something, the universe always conspires in your favor,” is the particular variation I’m acquainted with. It is one that I have since lived by when I first stumbled upon it years ago on social media - Pinterest or Instagram, I no longer remember. It became a grounding of my faith in myself and the forces that bend the whims of reality to have the stars wink at me.

I’d like to believe that I am a person with thousands of possibilities; some of which I’m already living. However, rainbows are not for everyday ventures as there are times that I doubt my capacity to fulfill my aspirations and give myself the life I want. I am not special in experiencing this dilemma, but its impact of rendering me stunned and unable to act flags an implication of its potential to ruin my momentum - to hinder me from realizing my visions.

The line, therefore, is a personal favorite on two accounts: familiarity and comfort.

As stipulated above, I am acquainted with the quote but only very recently traced its origins to the novel. With years of exposure, I feel more affinity to it than with the other philosophies found within the pages of the story. It has shared moments with me, becoming a source of encouragement, simply because I know of it and I have already understood it.

This does not mean that I closed off my agency to resonate with new input, but time surely has influenced the solidification of my stance. I’ve internalized its message and built a connection in which this ideology is where my mind circles back every time something goes right. Referencing back and remembering embedded the words above in my heart, carving a cozy little spot where it would snuggle there forever.

Moreover, there is comfort in believing that you are not alone. Whether this belief may be manifested through prayers and requests to a higher being, following superstitions, or simply hoping that the stars align and grant you that one special wish is fine. It is comfort, regardless of whether it materializes in a physical vessel.

It is no secret that life has a tendency to play tricks on people, rendering us to feel powerless and at its mercy. In dark cases of my life where I am struck with fear and freeze, the quote has always lent me the courage to break free from the shackles that meant nothing but to hold me down and to chase my dreams despite the vision becoming murky at times. It is its ability to feel like a hug, reassuring and encouraging, that has kept me going to several degrees.

With the dramatic changes in my life from the moment I entered college, there was not a single thing I asked for that wasn’t given to me. To clarify, my life is not perfect and I commit mistakes just as any person does, but this is a prominent observation from me. I do not understand how or why, but if I don’t get what I silently wish for in its exact form, a similar opportunity presents itself as an alternative.

It would be an act of wearing rose-colored glasses to say that this was all a product of hours and hours on end romanticizing my life and manifesting for things to go my way. In reality, it’s a combination of that and my own perseverance to take the necessary steps for things to come into fruition. It was never just the quote and belief. I also tend to pair the line with another that I’ve learned somewhere in the depths of the internet rabbit hole as well. It goes somewhere along the lines of, “If good things really want to come into your life, you have to make space for it.”

Just like Santiago, the story's main character, and the novel, it was a matter of knowing when and where to look for me, complemented by my hard work in letting the universe to, in fact, conspire in my favor. This belief, no matter how idyllic, that the cosmic forces will do everything in their power to grant me what I asked for brings this sense of warm comfort that I will never be denied my dreams should I invest in them. Ergo, the line not only causes me to think of circumstances at play but calls me to action to persist in realizing my aspirations, knowing that in the end even if I fail, I am never denied but only redirected.

--

Charles' Fifth Week Blogging Entry - Skill-based

[butternutrisotto]

1/30

Okay…. This post may seem a bit different with the one I used to write before. I kinda feel like I need to do something new as a fresh start in this blog. So, I started thinking to start 30 days writing challenge as a reminder for me to keep writing and sharing what’s been on my mind lately. Besides that, I also kinda miss writing in full English like this and I guess it’s better late than never, right? :)

Today’s sharing will be discussing about things I’m grateful for. You know it helps me to release any kind of emotion inside my mind when I do mindful living like practicing gratitude. And without further ado, let’s begin!

I’m so grateful that I’m still breathing until now. I know it sounds so cliché like of course we still do but when I wake up in the morning and I realize I’m still breathing, I know that I’m still having tons of opportunity to do something better. After that, I started praying for a whole day to get better than yesterday. In my opinion, people tend to keep forgetting the tiniest detail in their life like this. For a person who has a panic attack sometimes, it’s so good to take a deep breath slowly and feel the air comes through your lungs. It calms my mind too when I do this. So I just feel like breathing is something essential beyond everything.

I’m grateful that I’m healthy inside and outside. I have story that I think I must write it down here. I have once worked in a small cafe. At first I think I’ll be getting excited cause I’ll meet a lot of people coming to the store. As the day goes by, I felt my body was really numb and I got a headache like I don’t know why. I’ve eaten some food before I went to work and drank enough water. Then, I felt like I got a sore throat and I couldn’t feel anything when I ate something. So, I checked up to nearest clinic near my house and the doctor told me that I need a rest. It didn’t make any sense like I felt really okay and then she told me to get enough rest before I came back to work. And later on, I had 2 days rest. I still had this on my mind: maybe it was because of the weather and pollution so it made me sick like this. After I got better, 2 weeks later or a month later if I’m not mistaken, I got sick again — with the same pattern before. Then I’ve come to realized that my body has been giving a clear signal that I didn’t belong to that workplace and I also knew that it wasn’t a healthy company cause every day I’m so stressed with the boss and they never appreciated things that I did. I was being ignored when I asked for a help since they didn’t want me to compete with them as they know I have a background working in the US. So I had made a clear decision to resign from that place. And you know what? I’m getting better and I’m doing a healthy habit until now to remind myself that my well being is more than anything. Eventually, I realize that health is sooo important for me, not just from the outside but also from the inside. That’s the reason I keep managing my body to do the exercise, do the mindful life, and also manage my stress.

Last but not the least, I’m grateful for everything that I have in my life. My body, my mind, my sister, my lovely friends, my beloved workplace and team mate, and my life. I’m just so grateful for them and I couldn’t have thanked enough cause they exist. What’s life gonna be without them all? So I am reminding myself over and over again to always appreciate everything while it lasts and never take anything for granted.

Deep inside my heart, I love paying attention to every single details that surround me. Like how’s the weather today, how’s my body today, I feel healthier day by day, what food I eat today, what kind of exercise do I need for today and how it all seems so interesting to keep romanticizing my life like that. <3

[hiriajuu-suffering]

I still have no idea if you're worth the choice

Steph. Oh I didn't think 2 weeks later after we lost any method of communication I'd still be pulling my hair out over a missed opportunity in my thirties, but here we are.

Intrigued. That's the word that always gets me. I can get a woman's intrigue but then I repulse her just as easily, like I did you. Intersectionality is always a difficult thing to be tasteful about when it invites dissent.

I thought you were better. You were so quick to sacrifice your ideals when something looked promising, that it would allow you to grasp at a strand of happiness when, without principle, those manifestations are, at best, fleeting. I'm not sure what I began resenting you for first - that you gave up your ideals on romanticizing against them or you were quick to see me as hostile when you knew you compromised our potential for it.

I never thought I'd say it, since we barely had more than a conversation or two, but

I miss you.

I didn't think it would happen to me. I wanted to do everything in my power to let the place you made for yourself in my heart fade away and eventually be gentrified, but it's not going away.

But this one's different. Different because we never met, did we? Our hearts connected then our minds clashed, but we never actually got to see each other eye-to-eye. You're the only reason I was even considering trying to break into Anime Boston, just Gatsby my polyamory panel hoping for a reinvigoration in your intrigue over me.

Maybe I didn't want to be right, but that's why the one means of connection we had left collapsed. I also know you'll never really see that. The minute an ugly, straight, cisgendered man says things provocative enough to garner hostility towards a few women, that was enough, wasn't it?

It wasn't worth it. Nothing was worth losing the tiny sparks we had despite never directly interacting meaningfully. I hate that I let myself watch and even be creepy at all, see you through some highs and lows not to stalk you but just to feel alright that you were doing okay. And you weren't a lot of the time. I wish you I could say for certain you're better off without me, because you certainly believe it.

I don't even need you to apologize for demonizing me, I'd still take you back in a heartbeat. I saw enough beauty behind your intentions that you burning a bridge means I'd just have to climb and swim.

The last thing I learned in undergrad was Goetheing my missed opportunities just led me down a path of envy and resentment. I look at my past self with a bit of disgust with just how much I denied myself on self-righteousness alone. I find myself making the same mistake again. With you. So as much as I'm apologizing to you, I'm apologizing to myself, as well.

If Steph is to slip me by - like Ash, like Fari, like Z.C., like L.L., like H.B., like J.P., like K.S., like N.V., like A.J., like V.E., like A.T., like B.R., like S.S., like S.V. - that's 15 lives I could've had: a slew of possibilities I refused to acknowledge until I actually let my personality disorder(s) fester in their energy.

Living the same regret, the fifteenth time, it's tough to bear. Even if they would pick the bear.

I don't want to let tokki represent that for me because I didn't give her the kind of shot I gave the last four: one of kindness and vulnerability. I decided to boast and flex, not put something out to show her she was a priority. Letting this go without taking every potshot I can feels wrong.

Maybe I'll find a way to reach her, one day. Until that day, another amazing and wonderful soul to drink over how I failed her. To spend moments alone on how it should be us keeping up.

I'm an idiot. If only because my anger over the normative ethics in the world forces my mind to wallow in melancholy instead of see just that many more steps ahead. I'm guarded to a fault.

But, for her, I wanted to let myself go again.

I can always romanticize the idea

but I know she'll never care to look that far into my heart.

That's the sadness I'll be feeling.

I really started searching for a convention girlfriend 2 years ago?

Fuck, does polyamory have its ways of humbling you.

Delta H Con, AnimeFest, Colossalcon Texas, San Japan

I got four more straws

Surely they can't all be duds...

aha..

:/

[deathlonging]

hey reid, it's bee brotherconstant! if you're still doing it... your least favorite way of travelling + texture + literary trope? 💕

hiii ty for dialing in! 1. least fav way of traveling is airplanes. a journey that takes 6h approximately for instance should not have over half that time taken up by various engaging yet violating processes leaving you unable to read a book or watch a movie while you are so so bored. not to mention the general air of melancholy in airports......planes do love to rob you of any opportunity to romanticize travel. also abolish security patdowns five ever

2. texture: its fairly obvious but like most ppl i despise feeling tags feel me up thru the back of a shirt/waistband. also nylon

3. literary trope: unfortunately i simply despise it when writers blow up a story that was initially abt one character/dynamic and suddenly have it be abt the fate of the world......w the exception of tamsyn muir i guess. bc everything else abt the locked tomb is too captivating to focus on how you usually would hate the way shes chosen to do it....most unfortunate when this dislike puts you off a series like baru but oh well. maybe when fantasy girl fall rolls around once more ill change my mind this year

[kaibascorpse]

trying to figure out a way to articulate my thoughts on autism and being autistic without coming across like im glorifying or romanticizing it in some way but its tricky. like okay i know its wrong to romanticize a disability but 1) i genuinely believe that autism (at least in my case) is ONLY a disability because we live in a society that only values neurotypicality so like. removed from that context (which is rly only possible in theory atm, not in practice) autism ISNT a disability it’s just like. a Particular Way of Being a Person and 2) i fucking!! LOVE being autistic!! like, theoretically removing all the difficulties of being autistic that, again, only arise because of arbitrary structures built against me, everything about being autistic is pretty fucking cool imo!! i love my autistic traits!! and maybe it’s just because i can’t imagine any other way of being, but given the opportunity to magically become neurotypical i would not fucking take it!!

like to me being autistic feels like i was born with an innate understanding that human beings are literally just animals and all the things that are a part of typical human society like money, jobs, gender, social expectations and etc. are just like. made up, yknow? and thats not to say that those things aren’t real just because they’re constructed, and they’re also not devoid of value or meaningful function, but like. ime neurotypical ppl just seem to treat these things as Fundamental and Unchanging Facets of Reality. and again, constructs are real and do serve a purpose, but i also dont think you can underestimate the value of being able to peer behind the curtain and say that “Hey these things are made up and therefor we can change them if we want to.”

but again, we live in a society that Does Not see the value in that perspective, and in fact THRIVES on convincing everyone that this Performance of Humanness is not only Very Real, but also The Only Way It Could Possibly Be, yknow? so they really dont like it when they have to deal with an entire population of people who are constantly pointing out that their precious Rules are arbitrary, and who are unwilling and in some cases literally unable to keep pretending that the performance is real. I feel like an actor who keeps getting scolded for not knowing my lines and breaking the fourth wall, except nobody even gave me the fucking script or told me what the play is about in the first place!!

word salad out of the way though, maybe i’m totally off base and this has nothing to do with being autistic, or it does but i’m missing the perspective of autistic folks other than myself. i only realized i was autistic within the past couple years and i only really understand autism in the way it affects me personally (and even that level of understanding is still limited). its very likely that there are many who will say that their autism would be a disability regardless of the societal environment. maybe other autistic people don’t experience that same feeling of peering behind the screen, or maybe that feeling generalizes to a group that is connected by traits other than autism. im totally willing to admit that i may just be talking nonsense here, but i cant seem to shake the feeling that a good deal of the autistic experience is a feeling of Pretending To Be Human, except this version of Human that we’re pretending to be is so exaggerated in its normalcy that its entirely alienating, and its just so ridiculous because being autistic IS a normal way to be a human being, and we shouldnt have to pretend all the time just to be fucking accepted

[princessmia-tarot]

Feedback: hi, I’m the person who asked for advice about becoming an esthetician. I’ve had time to really think about what you said. And the strong sense of enthusiasm is definitely there, but the differing opinions you’re picking up on might be more than my parents. See when you said it’s important to approach this with a balanced and calculated manner it really got me to evaluate everything. Especially since you said rash decisions might not be in my favor. What I realized is that I’m not sure if this path is truly for me. I think I’m really passionate about changing my life that I’m clinging onto any and every idea. Apart of me wanted to choose this path because it’s similar to my sisters and I thought picking this could help out with her business/salon. But I never took a step back to ask if I want to do this for me. I see people online talk out how great it is to be your own boss with providing wax and lash services. But I also know it’s a lot of marketing and hard work to build a clientele. As well as it’s competitive. Maybe the unmet expectations that you see is me overly romanticizing this career, because I’m trying to convince myself it’s for me. So, I tell myself all of these extreme scenarios, which aren’t realistic. I’m happy that the cards say that I’m confident, passionate, and nurturing. I hope others experience me that way as well. I hope the inner strength that you see helps me find my path and pursue it fully. It’s definitely mental obstacles/doubts that prevent me from thinking I can be good at anything. Everything is foggy and feels impossible. I wish for clarity, because I feel purposeless. Sorry if you feel like I wasted your time. As for the general advice, I really needed it. I lack confidence which leads to me not being able to connect with being determined. I’m going to try to find those parts of myself and use them in whatever path I take. And I’ll try to seek guidance from people who support, even though it’s hard for me to open up/ask for help/advice. I’ll try to remember that my happiness matters deeply. I really need to remember that, as well as that my journey is uniquely mine. Thank you for the well wishes and beautiful advice. Thank you so much- kg🤎🧸

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and reflections. You absolutely did not waste my time; your journey and feelings are important. It's a significant step to take a closer look at your aspirations and motivations, and it's entirely natural to have doubts and uncertainties along the way.

It's great that you're recognizing the importance of pursuing a path that truly resonates with you and aligns with your passions and interests. Remember that your happiness and fulfillment are paramount in any career choice you make.

Building confidence and finding determination can be a journey in itself, but it's a journey worth embarking upon. Seeking support and guidance from those who genuinely care about your well-being can be incredibly beneficial. You are not alone in your journey, and there are people who want to see you succeed and find your unique path.

I'm glad to hear that the advice provided was helpful to you, and I wish you all the clarity and strength you need as you navigate your future endeavors. Your path is indeed uniquely yours, and it's a path filled with opportunities for growth and self-discovery. If you ever have more questions or need further guidance in the future, don't hesitate to reach out. Wishing you all the best on your journey, KG! 🌟🌼

[thecurioustale]

I've been meaning for a few days to reply to this and add my thoughts, but as time passes I'm realizing that it's not likely to happen, so I just want to reblog this with my broad enthusiasm for the thesis laid out here as well as a "most of the way" endorsement of agreement.

I especially especially especially want to underscore this paragraph:

Third, and I think this is probably a lot more important than people give it credit for, secret societies were one of the unacknowledged pillars of male homosocial intimacy, and their gradual disappearance from the landscape over the last seventy or so years has created a much more emotionally barren and hostile world for gender-conforming men.  It’s not unusual for someone to note that men seem really starved for intimacy; articles about men relying entirely on girlfriends and wives for their emotional support and comfort are a dime a dozen.  But consider that participating in a standing conspiracy of fellow-travelers is also an opportunity to practice emotional intimacy with other men, and that these are the perfect conditions in which to share feelings and offer mutual emotional support without contravening masculine norms.  And when participating in one or more such groups is the norm, they can become a load-bearing part of the culture of gender itself; traditional masculinity in the absence of secret societies may simply be less viable, but because nobody can talk about secret societies, it’s equally challenging to diagnose the problem.

I am always searching for further insight into humanity's gender dynamics, and I found this to be a most welcome addition to my own thinking. I think we can all agree that there's clearly something that masculine-identifying males are missing in modern society, but I have tended to be wary of destruction-based fillers for that hole (e.g, "men" are more violent and are being held back by our modern "civilized" society), because in my experience most males don't actually want a violence-based lifestyle; the romanticization of violence common in so many males and practically all (nonradicalized) masculine cultural paradigms is strictly a fantasy.

Secret societies have never super caught my interest, personally, even though I led one of my own for a couple of years called The Imperial Table. Mine at least was not male-exclusive, and if I recall it had about five female members (one trans) and seven or eight male ones (including my agender, male-bodied self), which kind of casts it is an unrelated quantity to what Toggle's Bloggle was talking about in terms of the secret society as a male-bonding modality.

Separately, I also want to single this part out:

And for another, [belonging to a secret society] has a way of surrounding you with an intensely magical world.

This is an important detail too. One thing i have learned with my own life experience and philosophical work is that (most) humans intensely crave the "magical," which might be best understood as the childlike awe and wonder and mystery that comes from experiencing some things in the real world.

One last bit:

It’s the social power that fascinates me as much as anything, I think.  As with everything this powerful, it’s often quite evil; actually it’s far from obvious that secret societies in toto have been a force for good in the world.  But is there some way to cultivate that social potency in a way that’s ordered to the good?  Some lurking alternative to the brute power of statecraft and economics and social norms?  So very enticing…

This is another great take. My own study of human power structures can vouch for the fact that they are much more numerous and diverse and entwined in our lives that our prevailing cultural discourse has any recognition of. The load-bearing filaments of power are everywhere, and secret societies—and non-secret societies—have been and still are a major category type of social power.

It's fascinating, actually—endlessly fascinating to me—just how little of our lives depend on what we often consider the essentials: physical prowess, governing authority, and wealth. Most people do not possess large quantities of any of these "marquee" modes of power. And the way they do it is usually through some of these non-governmental social power structures. I find these kinds of people interesting demonstrations of human nature, and fascinating to explore as fictional characters.

Anyway, to tie off my own thoughts: As a worldbuilder, I think that capturing secret societies in the culture is an important detail to include. I'm pleased to say that I do have a little of this in my existing work, especially in The Curious Tale, but perhaps not enough.

Just Between Us

If we're being honest, I'm really fascinated by secret societies.

This is in part an artifact of my Southern-ish upbringing, maybe? Like, the cultural tradition of (mostly male) secret societies isn't discussed much except as a joke or in the past tense, but they held on much longer in some places than one might naively think, the American South included. I was kinda-sorta invited to join the Masons once (there’s no such thing as an actual invitation; you have to ask.  But if somebody tells you this fact in confidence, they’re kinda asking you), and there are some groups associated with the Boy Scouts that they ran us through as a sort of 'trainer' secret organization. If you hang out in the right places, you'll eventually notice recruitment efforts for less benign versions- typically, right-wing militia groups work this way. And there's the Klan, of course, at the most evil end of the spectrum.

People tend to mark the heyday of the American social conspiracy as being in the first half of the 20th century, but as far as I know the pattern of highly gendered secret societies goes back basically all the way as far as we can track such things.  Much older than any of the societies themselves, anyway. The pattern is surprisingly robust across different cultures, and it’s also a clear precursor to ‘modern’ stuff like the Delta Force in the US military.  Even the famous white hoods adopted by the KKK (the second KKK that is, the resurgence from after Birth of a Nation was filmed) predate that organization by several centuries, and were a common motif in European secret orders going back at least to the late medieval period.

This is probably an under-examined part of why the Red Tribe’s got the weird narrative vulnerabilities that it does; why the odd beliefs so often take the form of conspiracies and ‘inner circles’ where the true evils are unmasked and the true righteous fight takes place.  A lot of them- particularly the older set, who came of age before the web- have direct experience with the world working this way!

I’ve been ruminating on this, lately.  Less because of the societies themselves, and more because of their second-order effects, the kind of unacknowledged changes that the presence and absence of really prominent secret organizations can make in the social fabric.  Think about it- if you know, if you really actually know with confidence, that there are networks of people (in practice, men) out there scouting for potential members, and that these groups have real and undeniable power over your world, then that immediately changes your landscape.  

For one, it passively encourages you to demonstrate the virtues of prominent societies in the hopes of being invited to join them, and you’ll be very self-policing in order to achieve this, because you never know who’s watching.  If those secret societies have a reputation for honesty, fortitude, and generosity, you’ll try to be honest, and enduring, and generous.  If they’re terrorists waging a campaign of racialized violence across America, you’ll be not just emboldened but incentivized to act in more racist ways at all times, for the promise of power and belonging as much as for any deeply felt racism you may feel.

And for another, it has a way of surrounding you with an intensely magical world.  You see your fellow-members in public, and wink, and know; you see others winking, and sharing an understanding, and wonder.  By their very nature, it’s ambiguous what, exactly, a secret society is capable of, how large it is, and so on.  The episode of The Simpsons making fun of the Masons plays on this to great effect, bouncing back and forth between (on the one hand) this huge ancient and wealthy organization controlling the fate of the world, and (on the other hand) the more grounded reality that a secret society in practice is an excuse to have fun hanging out with your friends and drinking a few beers.  But when the ‘secret society density’ hits a certain threshold, the banal realities of any given organization give way to the possibility that you just haven’t found the right secret society yet, the one where all the decisions are really made and all the power is really held.  You start asking a lot more who?-type questions, instead of how?-type questions.

Third, and I think this is probably a lot more important than people give it credit for, secret societies were one of the unacknowledged pillars of male homosocial intimacy, and their gradual disappearance from the landscape over the last seventy or so years has created a much more emotionally barren and hostile world for gender-conforming men.  It’s not unusual for someone to note that men seem really starved for intimacy; articles about men relying entirely on girlfriends and wives for their emotional support and comfort are a dime a dozen.  But consider that participating in a standing conspiracy of fellow-travelers is also an opportunity to practice emotional intimacy with other men, and that these are the perfect conditions in which to share feelings and offer mutual emotional support without contravening masculine norms.  And when participating in one or more such groups is the norm, they can become a load-bearing part of the culture of gender itself; traditional masculinity in the absence of secret societies may simply be less viable, but because nobody can talk about secret societies, it’s equally challenging to diagnose the problem.

I’ve been dancing lightly around one of the more important manifestations of the secret society in the modern era, which is of course being a sex pervert; it’s not the first conspiracy you think of, but it’s one of the forms that survived the internet boom, so it’s a good example.  The Friends of Dorothy were a secret society in every way that mattered, back in the day, and many of their modern successors still are.  As with the Masons, one pretty much has to invite oneself, but they’re usually quite welcoming to new members that show an interest.  Consider the ways that these groups reward and cultivate certain virtues, even outside their perimeter; consider how they re-enchant the world; consider how they open the door to close friendships and emotional intimacy with others.

It’s the social power that fascinates me as much as anything, I think.  As with everything this powerful, it’s often quite evil; actually it’s far from obvious that secret societies in toto have been a force for good in the world.  But is there some way to cultivate that social potency in a way that’s ordered to the good?  Some lurking alternative to the brute power of statecraft and economics and social norms?  So very enticing…

[darkcircles4lyfe]

Death to All Might, Rebirth to Yagi Toshinori

So about All Might. I’ve been extremely wary of talking about what could happen to him because straight up saying “I don’t think he’s gonna die” is asking the universe to spite me. Plus it also feels like a room full of people turning to stare at me as if I said the Sun isn’t a star. Man has death flags everywhere, I know. 

But, okay, *Bill Nye voice* consider the following:

Mr. Yagi here, if he overheard everything, just received the final nail in the coffin on his career. His time as the symbol of peace is not only over, it was in fact partially responsible for the current state of things, since he once did so much on his own that his absence now makes heroes and civilians alike ill-prepared to cope. I think it was very apt for that one guy to be wearing an All Might shirt--he was acting as a mouthpiece for the latent societal problems embedded in All Might’s legacy. 

We know already that he’s been feeling useless. I love this scene and although I’m not gonna talk about it right this second, remember what Aizawa says about just “being here” being enough:

And we know from conversations with Inko that Toshinori is also reframed his purpose around looking after Izuku. But in the end, Izuku rejected his help, and it was his classmates instead who were able to save him. Now the very progress of humanity is rejecting him too. You may me wondering how on Earth I don’t see the logical conclusion of all this being his death. Hold on. It actually has a lot to do with the fact that we’re all expecting it. Nighteye himself saw it, and despite any contrary convictions anyone might have, the plot doesn’t seem to be veering away from that end. All Might Is Gonna Die, says absolutely everything. 

It’s occurring to me that I have previous experience with this kind of plotline that probably little to no one else in this fandom shares, being that I’ve read a certain book series in which the main character is told in no uncertain terms that he will die (no, I’m not talking about hp). The series in question is T*e Und*rland Chronicl*s (censoring so it doesn’t get put in their side of tumblr) and I’m sorry but I’m about to go on a shameless tangent about it and spoil the ending for you.

So in this series there is a prophecy in every book, each one having something to do with war and conflict, and so far all of them have been right. In the last book [mc] finds out that it’s prophesied that he will be killed. Lots of the things in the prophecies are convoluted and metaphorical, but no, this one literally says “when the [mc’s title] has been killed.” He spends the whole book coming to terms with this, and he gives into it, only to find himself waking up in the hospital instead. “Wow, plot twist. /s” you may be thinking, and yeah sure, the mc in a kids book survived, big shocker. But it doesn't end there. After the war, there are peace talks, but they escalate until the two sides are on the verge of declaring war again. And [mc], bless him, has just been caught in the middle of all of this the entire time. He’s sick as shit of fighting, of watching the suffering and death of people he cares about. He draws his sword against both of them angrily, gives a speech saying he won’t take a side, and then promptly breaks his sword across his knee: “There. [mc’s title in the prophecies] is dead. I killed him.” He’s giving a huge middle finger to everyone there, to the man who wrote the prophecies, to the entire fucked up culture of it all. And so something that was taken literally turns out to be metaphorical. That is, if you still believe in the prophecies at all.

Hopefully you’re catching my drift here. What I’m saying is, even though this other series has nothing to do with bnha, it goes to show sometimes it’s the most absolute certainties that are red herrings, and a “death” can consequently be a symbolic one. In All Might’s case, it could be the death of hero society and a rejection of his own past. In other words, character development for Toshinori himself that reflects on the way the world is changing, too. Also there’s the fact that the mc from that other series I’m trying not to name has an honorary title, and I’m imagining that role he occupied “dying” could correspond to something that amounts to, “All Might is dead. I (Yagi Toshinori) killed him.” 

And here’s another thing: we also have to ask ourselves what good a dead Toshinori is to Izuku, narratively speaking. Yes, Izuku has spent his whole life idolizing even the more toxic parts of All Might, and his idealized vision of his hero does need to “die.” But how about Toshinori as a father figure?  Izuku regretting that his last interaction with Toshinori was to reject his help may drive home the fact that he shouldn’t go off on his own, but at this point it’s kinda redundant. If anything it would negate some of the progress that was just made because it’d make him extra paranoid about losing other people too. To be honest, the whole “Uncle Ben” trope, the mentor/father figure who dies and gives the mc a reason to do better, is so tired. Experiencing the death of a loved one really doesn’t deserve to be romanticized like that. I might as well admit that I’m speaking from experience, and let me tell you, losing someone you love suddenly, when you weren’t around, and with unfinished business--it makes you paranoid as hell that it will happen again. It literally gives me nightmares. Y’all, I cannot stress enough that trauma does not equal character development. Granted, just because I know this doesn’t mean Horikoshi does, but in general he does seem to lead his characters toward healing.

Okay, back to the present. Toshinori is turning away from UA. He likely feels useless and rejected. We can infer that what happens next will involve Stain, and we have a couple of extra clues to go with it: Stain considers All Might a true hero, and has stated that he would let All Might kill him. And since Horikoshi loves his parallels, we also have this fight between Endeavor and this random villain who admires him so much that he wants to die by Endeavor’s hand:

This suggests a confrontation in which Stain challenges All Might to live up to himself as he once was, so that as a hero he can vanquish Stain and symbolically overcome society's perversion of that role. But based on what All Might has learned about the system he upheld, Stain is wrong. All Might is not a “true hero” in the sense that the societal issues Stain witnessed exist not in spite of All Might, but (in part) because of him, because he took too much of the responsibility for himself.

Stain probably had no idea about the personal cost of All Might’s lonely burden until after the fact. Maybe he’s seeing it now. So then perhaps the confrontation would be more about Stain claiming he’s just as fake as the rest. Either way, Toshinori has the opportunity to denounce himself and be rid of “All Might,”  to stop living in his own shadow. Nighteye’s vision has been defied before, and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the combination of society shifting + Toshinori’s own conviction is enough to do it again and work fate in his favor.

He is not All Might. He is Yagi Toshinori: quirkless, worn down, and directionless except for his dedication to Izuku. If he survives his interaction with Stain, he can resolve his imperfect mentorship by confessing about his shortcomings and simply supporting Izuku as a part of his family, not as his teacher (as Aizawa said, just “being there”). And that’s how you really get character development, for both of them. I mean, shit, imagine Toshinori straight up telling Izuku to stop calling him All Might.